Say It Isn't So (2001)

1. Looking at this picture,

2. I know you might be thinkin',

3. "sure looks like a lonely place to be way up there."

4. if indeed you were, I'd have to disagree.

5. truth is, when you stop to ponder it,

6. there's really no such thing as a lonely place,

7. just lonely people.

8. that's what I believe.

9. you can be lonely anyplace...

10. up on a rooftop, at a big family shindig,

11. in a football stadium with 60,000 other humans all around...

12. or even in a small town like shelbyville, Indiana.

13. now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

14. in fact, loneliness is what ensures the propagation of our species.

15. I think that's why most people get married.

16. because they're lonely, horny or out of money.

17. but mostly 'cause they're just damn lonely.

18. of course, that is one hell of a milquetoast reason...

19. to link up with one person for the rest of your existence.

20. but people do it every day.

21. they give in to their loneliness,

22. and the next thing they know, they're trapped.

23. perhaps I'm being too picky.

24. I talked to this counselor once.

25. he told me that the fact I was raised in an orphanage...

26. has rendered me afraid of abandonment...

27. and therefore fearful of commitment.

28. now, you can tell by my tone I don't think much of his opinion.

29. I'm ready to commit, just as soon as I find...

30. that one woman I can't live without...

31. that one woman that gives me goose bumps all over.

32. I simply refuse to settle for anything less,

33. like most people seem to do.

34. like my boss, Larry.

35. be a sport, will you?

36. I missed ruthie's birthday dinner last night,

37. and she's making my life hell in a handbasket.

38. I know she'll go easier on me if you're there.

39. come on, now, gilly. Do me this.

40. bring her a puppy, Larry. She'll love that.

41. - what the hell is this? - It's a Russian pomeranian, Larry.

42. no, I don't want to put any American dogs out of work.

43. come on, now, gilly. Be a friend. Come on over.

44. - I don't know, Larry. Last time I... - Thanks, buddy.

45. a little slice of family life and some home cookin' will do your heart good.

46. bring some wine coolers. We'll make it a wingding.

47. this is fine cuisine, Mrs. p.

48. it's takeout, gilly,

49. from pizza hut.

50. - Larry hates my cooking. - That's not true, ruthie. You know I...

51. that's why he never comes home for dinner.

52. I'm never home for dinner, 'cause I'm out there busting my ass.

53. if you were busting your ass, how come it's the size of a goddamn beanbag chair?

54. if you'd put out once in a while,

55. maybe I wouldn't be seeking carnal pleasure in food.

56. all right! Call me old-fashioned,

57. but I don't think a child should be made to picture her parents humping.

58. - I don't tell you about my sex life. - You're not having sex.

59. - are you having sex? - Cher, tell daddy you're kidding.

60. she's kidding. She doesn't even have a boyfriend.

61. you don't need to have a boyfriend to be having sex.

62. I'm just saying that a boy doesn't have to be a friend...

63. to be nibbling my package.

64. - what the... are you... - I think she's saying she's a whore, pop.

65. - buddy! - Pervert! I am not!

66. I'm just popular. Like gilly here.

67. he doesn't have a girlfriend, but I bet he's having sex.

68. - well, occasionally, sure, but...

69. well, ultimately, I believe in waiting till one is married before...

70. how come you don't have a girlfriend?

71. my dad says it's because you're confused about your sexuality.

72. - no, I never said that. - I believe the term he used was "fagnostic."

73. - right, fagnostic. - Larry! - That's it!

74. - go to your room! - Why? - What?

75. why? Well, she's just repeating what you said.

76. you're always taking her side. You let her do what she pleases, like getting her ears pierced.

77. - you try to stop her. - I got my ears pierced because I like it, okay?

78. and I got these pierced because I hate you!

79. hey, that was you on the Internet!

80. I am sick of being treated like dirty bathwater.

81. I'm out there chasing poodles all day so she can drive around in a brand-new saturn.

82. fully loaded! The usual, hon. Hi. How's it going?

83. this kind of thing makes a man want to bludgeon his family and go on a three-day drunk.

84. that's pretty serious talk, Larry.

85. maybe you should be speaking to a professional about these things.

86. you mean a hit man?

87. no, no, man. That's the easiest way to get caught.

88. unless you did it.

89. I was talking about a shrink, Larry.

90. get real, man.

91. that's for crazy people. Here you go, hon.

92. hey, ya maggots.

93. hey, Stewart.

94. what the hell happened to your hair?

95. you like it?

96. I just got it cut...

97. by the most beautiful woman on the face of God's green earth.

98. - it looks pretty weird. - Yeah, thanks.

99. she called it a European cut.

100. says it draws attention away from my ears.

101. what did she use, a fuckin' chisel?

102. who the hell cares? I'm tellin' you, she's well worth the price of a hat.

103. she's new over to the mega kutz.

104. I don't know if I can trust the opinion of a guy who scrapes roadkill for a lmng.

105. you can trust me with this one.

106. mmm. Man, has she got the face of an angel.

107. just... i don't know. It gives you goose bumps all over, you know?

108. you like it? Who's next? Yeah.

109. - um, right here. - Come here.

110. so, how do you like it?

111. you know, just, uh...

112. just like it is, only not quite so long.

113. so you want it shorter then?

114. yeah, shorter. I think shorter is the way to go.

115. so, you cut a lot of hair?

116. I guess so.

117. I mean, I've been working here a month or so, ever since I moved back.

118. oh, so you're not from, uh...

119. where are you from? Oh, I'm from here.

120. I was lmng in Oregon for a while... beaver, Oregon...

121. but then I moved back, 'cause I had to help out with my daddy.

122. he had stroke number two, and he's paralyzed now, so...

123. ow. That's a shame. It truly is. It's his own damn fault.

124. he's so tense all the time. Ow.

125. it's like he's got fire ants running through his veins. Aah!

126. oh! I'm sorry. Oh.

127. how's that, um... I'm sorry.

128. what did you say your name was?

129. actually, I didn't.

130. it's gilly.

131. okay, gilly. I'm Jo.

132. could you hold that there for me?

133. how's that for length?

134. beautiful.

135. so, I see you have a cat.

136. well, I had a cat.

137. he ran away two weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

138. oh. He'll be back. You know cats.

139. I've had him since he was a pup.

140. I don't know what I'd do without my little Ringo. Ringo?

141. that must be a pretty popular name for a cat these days.

142. it is? I work down at the animal shelter,

143. and I just took in a cat yesterday named Ringo.

144. too bad this Ringo's missing a tail.

145. - that's my cat!

146. hey, watch the corner. Yeah, yeah.

147. she said put him in E.R. Four!

148. all right, let's go!

149. nurse Lee to O.R. prep.

150. nurse Lee to O.R. prep.

151. gilly! Are you okay?

152. were they able to sew it back on?

153. no, but they told me I'm first in line for an ear donor.

154. you lyin' sack.

155. well, listen, what are you doing tonight?

156. just healing, mostly. Why don't you come over to my house?

157. I'll cook you dinner, and you can bring Ringo. No.

158. listen, Jo. I don't want you to feel like you owe me dinner...

159. just because I found your cat and you cut off my ear.

160. I do owe you dinner. Just say yes or else I just might cut off your other ear.

161. okay. Uh, 6:30?

162. yeah, 6:30's great. Don't worry, 'cause I'm a much better cook than a hairstylist.

163. I just don't know why you're doing this anyway.

164. doing what? Whoo-Whoo.

165. cookin' dinner for this fella. You ought to be fixin' dinner for Jack.

166. you know, a man who wants to marry you,

167. not some dogcatcher who makes 18 grand a year...

168. and comes home smellin' like cat piss every night.

169. promise me you'll be polite. Of course I'll be polite.

170. of course I'll be polite.

171. gosh.

172. Jack called again today.

173. I talked to him for a long time.

174. he asked me why did you leave him.

175. I wish you would tell him, because for the life of me, I can't make any sense out of it.

176. are you listening to me? Oh! Hold on.

177. would you... it's... Put the thing down.

178. you listen to me now.

179. good men are few and far between in this world.

180. when you find yourself a keeper,

181. the way I found your sweet papa out there, then you grab ahold of him,

182. and you treat him the way he wants to be treated.

183. valdine? What?

184. valdine?

185. valdine!

186. what is it, gimpy? I want a beer, God damn it.

187. now, look, you curb your language,

188. or I'm gonna take this voc-a-lator 3000 right back to Wal-Mart.

189. you hear me? Jeez!

190. what in the name of... Oh, my God.

191. - I was watching that. - Yeah, I bet you were.

192. you've just had a stroke. Do you want to have another one?

193. I want you to stay calm. Give me a goddamn beer.

194. gilly! Ringo!

195. oh, Ringo.

196. all the dogs at the animal shelter...

197. chipped in for a little going-away present.

198. well, thank them for me. And thank you.

199. oh, just doin' my job.

200. - how's your ear? - Oh, it's okay.

201. - I got all the pus drained out of it. - Oh.

202. close the goddamn door.

203. you have a robot?

204. um, daddy, I'd like you to meet gilly noble.

205. uh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Wingfield.

206. he's a little shy around strangers.

207. I'm gonna get Ringo some half-and-half.

208. okay.

209. so...

210. oh, golf, huh?

211. seems every time I play, I get tourette's syndrome.

212. you know, "fore! Shit, damn, crap.

213. fore! Shit, damn crap."

214. hey, dork.

215. turn it to channel seven, dipshit.

216. whoa! You can say "dipshit" with that thing.

217. that's neat.

218. come on, have some more. You probably don't eat this well very often on your salary.

219. mama, leave him alone.

220. oh, that's okay, Jo.

221. I'll find room.

222. so, "Willy," what do they pay you down there for gassing strays?

223. uh, no, ma'am, I don't gas them.

224. oh. What do you do, hit them with a bat?

225. no, I meant I'm not the one who actually puts them to sleep.

226. I, uh... i couldn't do that. And, um...

227. well, as for the pay, it's not much,

228. but it plays into my long-term career goal.

229. which is?

230. - I want to be a veterinarian. - You'd be a great vet,

231. Dr. noble.

232. thanks, but it's not gonna be easy.

233. four more years at the junior college,

234. and I'll have my two-year degree.

235. and then I'll transfer over to state,

236. and with a b.A. In general studies,

237. I should be able to get into any vet school in Mexico.

238. - sounds foolproof.

239. if gilly says he's gonna be a vet, then I believe he's gonna be a vet.

240. excuse me a minute.

241. care for a taste of my pie?

242. no, thanks. I'm full.

243. suit yourself. I'm gonna have a slice.

244. easy on the corns, Dr. Doolittle.

245. the lord...

246. our lord...

247. has blessed me with the dmne gifts of tracking,

248. finding and retrieving.

249. come on, Vic. Just tell me what you have so far.

250. I'll tell you what I got.

251. now, I'm about 90 percent on this.

252. but I believe that your birth mother is still alive...

253. and lmng somewhere in a local area,

254. and her name is...

255. suki yamaguchi.

256. that sounds a little, um,

257. japanesey... to me.

258. this detective... Vic vetter... is looking for my family, but so far, no luck.

259. what if you found out you were the son of the guy who invented shoe Polish?

260. you'd be rich. No, I...

261. I wouldn't care if he just shined shoes for a lmng.

262. not having a family's left a big empty space inside of me.

263. it's really important that I find them. You will.

264. this is the first time I've ever been up here with anyone.

265. - you don't like it up here, do you? - No, it's fine. It's fine!

266. just being here reminds me of a bad time.

267. I was seven, and we had to put our dog humpy to sleep.

268. I still haven't gotten over it.

269. it's ridiculous, I know.

270. no, that's not ridiculous at all.

271. every Friday I see animals being put to sleep here.

272. I wish that I could take them all home with me, but I can't.

273. and every time one of those animals dies,

274. I feel like a part of me dies too.

275. about a year ago I wrote this poem...

276. that I recite to all the dogs before they go.

277. it helps me,

278. and I like to think it helps them too.

279. I'd love to hear it.

280. no, it's not very good. I don't care.

281. okay.

282. o noble creature,

283. the time has come...

284. for the two of us to part...

285. and for you to go to a better place...

286. a place deep inside my heart,

287. a place where you'll be free to run...

288. after a car or a bouncing ball.

289. so go, noble creature,

290. through that doggy door...

291. and fetch a stick that's thrown by God...

292. and wag thy tail forevermore...

293. while a friendly voice repeats,

294. "good dog.

295. good dog."

296. so, that's it.

297. and after I read it, I usually fire off a one-gun salute...

298. with a pistol we keep here at the shelter.

299. I know it sounds silly, but...

300. it doesn't sound silly.

301. very funny.

302. this is a great day. This was a good idea.

303. shall we have the champagne? No, uh...

304. let's wait till later. Yeah.

305. the day I cut your ear off, I never would've dreamed we'd be spending six months together.

306. yeah, that is pretty funny.

307. I've had such a good time with you,

308. just hanging out, having fun.

309. - no strings attached.

310. most guys are so possessive.

311. you know, they talk about marriage before the first year is even up.

312. there was this one schmuck...

313. he actually went out and got a plane and a banner.

314. it was so lame. Talk about pressure.

315. I'd love to, gilly. Love to what?

316. I'd love to marry you.

317. that's my Uncle Joe's plane up there.

318. Joseph Wingfield.

319. that's your Uncle. I'm named after him.

320. you know,

321. that probably should've occurred to me.

322. boy, you don't quit, do you?

323. ohh!

324. oh, that's it. That's the spot.

325. hey, don't go back there.

326. we gotta save something for the honeymoon.

327. what are you saying, gilly?

328. uh, nothing. I...

329. I was just messing around with Ringo.

330. hey, Jo?

331. who's Jack? What Jack?

332. you know,

333. the on-your-ass Jack.

334. well, he's my ex-boyfriend from Oregon.

335. I've been meaning to get it removed. You're not jealous, are you?

336. 'cause you're the one with the half-naked Suzanne somers over his bed.

337. come on.

338. now, don't bad-mouth Suzanne.

339. she got me through my awkward teenage years.

340. do you mean you beat off to her?

341. not to brag, but up to five times a day.

342. wow.

343. do you want to try to break that record?

344. - hey, it's gilly. Leave a message.

345. hey, noble. It's Vic.

346. I know it's early, but are you there, buddy?

347. pick up. I got a package in the mail. I love you, Jo.

348. surprise. I found your mother. I love you, gilly.

349. I touched all the bases on this one.

350. I'm 110 percent sure. Your mother's name...

351. is valdine Wingfield.

352. Wingfield. Wingfield.

353. Wingfield. You gotta understand.

354. I had just had little Jo, and we were strapped for cash,

355. and then I found out I was pregnant again...

356. - with you!

357. old r2d2 couldn't keep it in his pants back then.

358. and now he can't even wipe his own ass!

359. I just didn't know how I was gonna feed everybody.

360. and you were such a hungry child.

361. I figured the best thing to do was to give you away,

362. you know, to somebody who wouldn't resent you for your burden.

363. one of you had to go, and Jo was already housebroke.

364. oh, this can't be happening.

365. I know how difficult this must be for you.

366. but just think how lucky you are that you found out before it was too late...

367. before you got married...

368. and consummated this forbidden relationship.

369. sweet lord. You ponied your sister.

370. oh, my God.

371. hey, ya maggot. What are you doin' out here?

372. nothin'. What you got there?

373. well, I'd say cougar. What do you think, Wingfield?

374. it's a coyote, Stewart.

375. there are no cougars in Indiana.

376. yeah, well, I'm talkin' about the car. It looks like cougar tread.

377. I used to work in a tire store, you know. Yeah?

378. well, I used to work at the animal shelter. Hey!

379. gilly, you know I had no choice.

380. you know what it feels like when newspapers call you the boss of a sister fucker?

381. the whole damn town thinks I'm runnin' a "sisterfuckeria."

382. you could've stuck by me, Larry. It's gonna blow over.

383. oh, come on, gilly. Who are you shittin'?

384. man, not that I blame you. I mean, if I had a sister that looked like that...

385. whoa! Wham-bam, thank you, sis!

386. I think you're right about that.

387. you know, I'd say, sister or no,

388. - I'd still like to get a crack at her.

389. well, that is if she ever comes back.

390. she still up in Oregon?

391. as far as I know.

392. all right, maggots, chop, chop!

393. dearest gilly, I'm sorry I left without saying good-bye.

394. I just couldn't face you after everything that's happened.

395. the feelings that once seemed so right...

396. became in an instant so wrong.

397. though it pains me to say it, we must never see each other again.

398. no, we must never forget the love we shared.

399. we must, like noble creatures, move on to another plane.

400. - what? I'm busy. - Put lots of salt on that sandwich.

401. - you want a lot of salt? - Yes.

402. here you are, honey. Nice and salty. Thank you.

403. hey, gilly.

404. how was your day at work?

405. oh, mom, it was pretty slow.

406. just snakes mostly. Oh.

407. well, dinner's almost ready. I made that nice chicken thing you like.

408. hey, dad.

409. I thought you were gonna get a haircut.

410. now, Walter, hush. Gilly's been through a lot.

411. including his own sister.

412. I'm gonna get it.

413. hello.

414. oh, hi, honey. How are you?

415. how's Jack?

416. good. Good.

417. oh, he's fine.

418. he's been through a lot, but he's hanging in there.

419. I know you miss him.

420. but guess what? He's regained the use of both of his arms now.

421. uh-huh. Both of them. You know, they move every which way.

422. all right.

423. okay. Well, what is it?

424. you're getting married.

425. oh, Jo-Jo, that is so wonderful!

426. oh! It's Jo-Jo.

427. she and Jack are getting married! Oh, my God!

428. isn't that wonderful? Sweetheart, I am really, really happy for you.

429. I am. Okay, sure.

430. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

431. yes!

432. yes, sweet Jesus!

433. pervert! Gilly, how's your sister?

434. Jo knew you'd understand why she couldn't possibly invite you.

435. I know. I think you should be happy for your sister.

436. oh, hell. After what you put her through,

437. it's a wonder she didn't quit the sausage and become a "vaginaterian."

438. oh, good God.

439. gilly, listen. Things are really looking up for her.

440. she's got herself a little beauty parlor up there,

441. and she's got herself a guy who's crazy about her.

442. and, quite frankly, a guy who's a millionaire several times over.

443. oh, quit babying the boy, valdine.

444. he banged his own sister, for Christ's sakes.

445. what, do you want to give him a medal?

446. listen to me. This could be a whole new start for us all.

447. so I want you to keep your chin up.

448. do you know what the Bible says about fucking your own sister?

449. don't!

450. hush up, droopy.

451. he's my baby. My precious gift from God.

452. I'll get it.

453. I baked you some gingersnaps. They're cooling on the stove.

454. what do you want?

455. sorry to bother you, Mrs. Wingfield.

456. my name is Leon pitofsky, and... oh, my God.

457. did I come at a bad time? No.

458. it's just you look remarkably like my dear husband...

459. when he was a much younger man.

460. well, that stands to reason, ma'am.

461. look at this.

462. it's all there... blood tests, hospital records, DNA.

463. oh, look, here's your signature gmng up your rights to me.

464. oh, my lord.

465. then it's true. You... You are my son.

466. I finally found you, mama!

467. well, if he's your son, then who the hell is this sack of shit?

468. I'll tell you who he is. He's a grifter!

469. he's a shyster that's been freeloading in this house for a solid year!

470. oh, wait. Mom... i knew it.

471. get out of my house, you goddamn hippie! Hippie?

472. - whoa, hold on. - Walter, get that impostor out of here!

473. dad, relax.

474. hey, buddy, you heard my mama. Now get the hell out!

475. hey. Hey.

476. get your hands off my daddy, you bastard!

477. - oh! Walter. He's having another stroke. - Dad, what's the problem?

478. call 9-1-1! Oh, my God!

479. you! You did this!

480. get the police! I want this grifter arrested!

481. yes, police! Leon, get an ambulance!

482. oh, my God!

483. oh, shit!

484. hey, Mr. Magoo!

485. you knocked my freakin' legs off. Were you even lookin' at the road?

486. I'm sorry! Oh, my God, I've never hit anyone before!

487. I'm glad to be your first. Hope I was gentle.

488. now, be a friend and fetch my getaway sticks, daddy.

489. your what?

490. my legs, captain! My legs!

491. - oh, shit. - Less feces, more fetchin'.

492. get over here and get it, boy.

493. gotta straighten this damn thing.

494. bent all to... hell!

495. watch out. Watch out. "Watch out"?

496. boy, that is a hell of a thing for you to say to me. Shit.

497. well, in all fairness, you were in the middle of the road.

498. how else was I supposed to flag you down?

499. I was a desperate man.

500. another 20 minutes and them bloodthirsty mosquitos would've sucked me dry.

501. how long have you been out here?

502. oh, about two hours.

503. my airplane ran out of gas. I had to land in a clearing.

504. - you're a pilot? - You're goddamn right I'm a pilot.

505. there's my card right there.

506. "the big dig"?

507. that's right. Dig McCaffrey.

508. you make a lot of coins flying those gigs nobody else wants.

509. I take sportsmen out to the bush,

510. fly banners over supermarket openings, some crop Dustin'.

511. hell, I'll fly up your ass if the money's right.

512. hey, that's pretty good. You think I ought to put that on my card?

513. so where am I taking you?

514. as close to beaver as you can get.

515. and a man as sexy and fertile as me likes to stay close to the beaver.

516. that's a good one, huh? That's right where I'm headed.

517. say, you look like you're draggin' there, chief.

518. why don't you let me drive?

519. oh, no, that's fine.

520. I'm wired. Nothin' like gettin' bounced off a bumper to put a cat on full tilt.

521. so, where's your launchpad, kerouac? My what?

522. where you from, baby? Where you from? Oh.

523. I'm from Indiana.

524. you remind me of a fella I knew down in El Paso during my import-export days.

525. - I've never been there. - So, who's the skirt?

526. how did you know that I was...

527. dig knows many things, baby.

528. plus, you got that look of a man with a diamond engagement ring on his pinky.

529. oh, yeah. Well, about a year ago,

530. she was the love of my life,

531. then I found out she was my sister.

532. then about three days ago...

533. dig! Dig!

534. Whoo...

535. hoo!

536. just a little case of the white line fever! That's all, baby!

537. dig just needs a little music. Rock 'n' roll, baby!

538. hey, dig!

539. hey! Are you crazy?

540. I'm wired like a microwave, baby!

541. before we depart,

542. I want you to know two things, El Paso.

543. I am one-eighth chippewa Indian.

544. and when you save the life of a chippewa, it must be paid back tenfold.

545. I owe you big time.

546. that's not necessary, but thank you, dig. No, no, no, no, heap big.

547. heap big, daddy!

548. I appreciate everything you done for me. I do.

549. well, what was the other thing?

550. hmm?

551. you said you wanted me to know two things.

552. no, I don't think I said that.

553. I was sayin', um... Oh! Oh, yeah!

554. when you find that sister of yours, you get out of this town asap.

555. there's some spooky cats around here.

556. what kind of spooky cats?

557. the kind with money and power.

558. that sounds like the kind of guy Jo is with.

559. ooh. Well, good luck flippin' that coin, daddy.

560. I'll see you later, El Paso.

561. oh! Oh, dig, thanks for not suing me.

562. a pleasure bein' hit by a man of your caliber.

563. beaver police. Yes.

564. my name is valdine Wingfield, and I'm calling from shelbyville, Indiana.

565. I'd like to report a sexual predator. His name is Gilbert noble.

566. he assaulted his own sister.

567. I'm afraid he's still very dangerous.

568. he's on his way to beaver right this minute.

569. his own sister, huh?

570. you know, I didn't know Jo Wingfield had a brother. Isn't that sweet?

571. do you have a description of the pervert, ma'am?

572. actually, I can do a lot better than that.

573. I happen to have a mug shot of him taken just last year...

574. when he was arrested protesting for animal rights.

575. boy sounds like a bad apple.

576. that's great, ma'am. Why don't you fax that over to us?

577. listen, I'd rather this didn't get back to Jo.

578. she and Jack have so much on their minds, with the big wedding and everything.

579. I'd appreciate you being discreet about this.

580. absolutely, ma'am. The beaver police are known for their discretion.

581. "what have you done for me lately?"

582. and that's how it ended.

583. are you comfortable, Mrs. hartunian? Yeah.

584. how are you doin'? How's your family? Oh, fine.

585. - would you like the standard bikini wax? - Oh, no.

586. I'm going to Hawaii with my husband. Better landscape the whole yard.

587. so, do you ever miss cutting hair, Jo?

588. oh, no, not really. I mean, my heart wasn't into it like it is with bikini waxing.

589. I guess you could say that some people are cutters, and some people are yankers.

590. and I was just born to yank.

591. gilly?

592. mama, how could not have told me he was heading this way?

593. I... I'm sorry, baby. I know I should have.

594. I just kept praying he'd come to his senses and get over it.

595. poor crazy guy.

596. crazy? What do you mean crazy?

597. oh, Jo, I hate to tell you this.

598. your brother gilly now has an imaginary friend, Leon.

599. he's been going all over town telling everybody he's not your brother,

600. but this fellow Leon is.

601. - poor gilly. - Don't you worry about him.

602. your mama has enough love and compassion for that wounded bird.

603. I guess I should really be worrying about how to break this to Jack.

604. you can't tell Jack. It would break the poor man's heart.

605. rich.

606. hey, rich, wake up.

607. oh. Hi, Jack.

608. I want you to go on over to the hotel.

609. you tell chaney I sent you. He's gonna put it on my account.

610. I don't want to take your money, Jack. Let me tell you something.

611. I got my business and most of my money from my father.

612. it's the least I can do to give something back.

613. no, I'll be fine, Jack. I don't want to put you out.

614. I just need another ten minutes, and I'll be fine. No, come on. Do as I say.

615. all right? Go clean yourself up,

616. come see me in the morning, and we'll talk about getting you a job.

617. thanks, Jack. Hey, give me that. Keep marching.

618. I'll have my brother Jimmy come back and check on you later, all right?

619. hey, Jack.

620. - hey, how you doin', Gina? - I'm great. I'm great.

621. look, I was wondering if maybe, you know,

622. me and you could go to the diner, grab some coffee,

623. you know, like old times.

624. I'd love to.

625. yeah? But as you know,

626. I'm engaged to be married this weekend.

627. I'd hate to do anything that might embarrass my bride-to-be.

628. yeah, well, actually, your bride-to-be was gonna be the topic of conversation.

629. oh?

630. I had this picture on my cell wall.

631. it was my hope for the future.

632. see, everybody else had pictures of their wives and their girlfriends,

633. but this was my reason for gettin' out.

634. you had a picture of a car on your wall?

635. damn, Jimmy. Did you beat off to it?

636. hell, no!

637. I spanked it to that baby right there.

638. this is the only car in the world that makes me flex my love muscle.

639. oh! Jimmy loves you.

640. Jimmy, get off the car.

641. hey, I was just gmn' it a full-body dust.

642. - just try not to spooge on it. - "Spooge on it"?

643. - shut up.

644. - listen, Jimmy.

645. I got a security problem I want you to deal with.

646. his name's Gilbert. It's Jo's brother.

647. oh, I didn't know Jo had a brother.

648. yeah, well, some families have brothers they don't like to talk about.

649. just make sure he disappears, all right?

650. done and done.

651. Jimmy,

652. feel free to rough him up a little bit.

653. excuse me, sir. Hi.

654. a friend of mine has a salon here in town.

655. her name is Jo Wingfield. I don't suppose... oh, yeah!

656. she works at beaver cuts. You just take a left on main.

657. you go down about three blocks on the right.

658. in fact, I just went by there on my lunch break, and I saw Jo in the window.

659. oh, great! Great. Okay, thanks a bunch.

660. sure. Yeah. Say hi to Jo for me. I will for sure.

661. hey, buddy, you know where a fella gets a beer around here?

662. oh, actually, I'm sorry, I'm not from around here.

663. damn right you ain't from around here!

664. come on, Freddy, let's go!

665. hey, Jack.

666. something you want to tell me, Jo?

667. is something bothering you?

668. I know about...

669. I know about you and your brother.

670. oh, God.

671. damn it!

672. - I'm sorry. - Sorry?

673. I'm the one who should be sorry.

674. oh, you poor thing.

675. it's not your fault.

676. you had no way of knowing he was your brother.

677. it's like a Greek tragedy.

678. I think about it, it breaks my heart.

679. oh, God, how devastating it must have been for you.

680. for both of you, I mean.

681. God, the poor guy.

682. I'm sorry, Jo. Oh, Jack.

683. mister.

684. - can I have your peanuts, por favor?

685. Gracias.

686. please pull your seats and drink tables in the upright position...

687. in our preparation for our arrival in Puerto vallarta.

688. I don't get it. Why can't I stay at Jack's house with you?

689. you don't get it? What, did your adoptive mother drop you on your head?

690. no one can see you until after the wedding. Until then,

691. your job is to find gilly noble and keep him out of the way!

692. bye, dad.

693. ow!

694. valdine, slow down.

695. aw, Christ!

696. have fun!

697. Jack? Look at my hard worker.

698. - hey, what are you doing home? - I closed the shop early...

699. so I could get some of the wedding chores done.

700. oh, great. Take that cute little dress off and come on in.

701. no, I gotta get some things done.

702. I'll tell you what. Do me a favor.

703. while you're out there, pick your mom up something nice for her arrival.

704. that's sweet, Jack.

705. now scoot before I pull you in here with me.

706. take your time, why don't you?

707. oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come here.

708. Jack, my future son-in-law!

709. oh! Look at you.

710. oh, my, it's been a long time! Mm-hmm.

711. oh, I'm so excited about the wedding.

712. you know, I thought maybe... Let's go, limp dick.

713. you could use the same vows that Walter and I...

714. ow! Sorry.

715. - watch it, jerk-off.

716. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get both of you.

717. sorry, Walter! Oh, man! Ouch!

718. that must have hurt. Are you all right?

719. I'm gonna kick your ass.

720. what's that, Walter? You say you wanna lick my ass?

721. everything's cool! We got it under control!

722. too bad you got that neck brace on.

723. this is worse than your breath. You could be movin'.

724. I'm gonna get you. Nice tea bag there, Walter.

725. bring him to the guest room. Come on. Right up the stairs.

726. Gracias.

727. - oh, no.

728. no.

729. uh, hi. What's up, buckaroo?

730. I have an appointment with, uh, Jo Wingfield. Jo's not here.

731. okay, do you think that you could give her a note for me?

732. I guess so. Good, um...

733. can I borrow a pen?

734. thanks. Welcome.

735. hey. Hey!

736. you! You are the sick man!

737. "prevert"! Prevert! No... No, wait a minute! No!

738. I'm going to dial 9-11! 9-11! I'm calling.

739. - 9-11!

740. oh, man.

741. all units, subject last seen behind beaver cuts. Please be advised.

742. you thinkin' about '69, ain't you? Hey, dig.

743. what? Stand down, frito bandito. Can't you see I'm playing keno?

744. - four, four, forty-four. - Dig, it's me, gilly.

745. I don't know no goddamn gilly. Hey. El Paso.

746. oh, El Paso!

747. sit on down. You look like you're all grown-up, boy.

748. this is a disguise, dig.

749. apparently there are a bunch of people in this town that don't like me.

750. I need your help. I gotta find my truck so I can...

751. truck. Yeah, trouble.

752. what's the problem? Well,

753. you see, Jack mitchelson had a charity event last night.

754. a dollar a pop to take a whack at the truck with a sledgehammer.

755. shit, had a good time.

756. people paid money to beat the hell out of my truck? Set me back ten bucks.

757. I think I threw out my shoulder with your quarter panels.

758. whacked it once, whacked it again, then it broke.

759. that son of a bitch! I cannot believe Jo is gonna marry that mitchelson creep.

760. mitchelson?

761. she's marrying Jack mitchelson?

762. yes, in two days, dig. I gotta find a way to stop it, and I need your help.

763. whoa, whoa, whoa.

764. slow down, speedy Gonzales.

765. you can count dig out of any plans to Jack up the jig for Jack.

766. Jack mitchelson's a good man, am I right? Good friend of mine.

767. folks like him around here.

768. look, why don't you just leave well enough alone, okay?

769. I mean, let her marry Jack.

770. being with him is like winnin' the husband super lotto.

771. listen,

772. if you really love this girl as much as you say you do,

773. just tell her good-bye and good luck.

774. but I don't know if I can live without her.

775. hello? Hey, zahf. Jo!

776. how's it goin' with... It was the "prevert"!

777. what? He was here at the shop!

778. when? He was dressed like cowboy!

779. oh, my God.

780. - damn bees!

781. shoo.

782. morning, mama. Morning, daddy.

783. morning, Jo. Morning.

784. - where are you headed off to? - Oh, I just got somethin' I have to do.

785. well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll go with you.

786. no, it's just something I have to do on my own.

787. - I could go with you, keep you company. - It's just errands.

788. - it'd be boring. - Not to me, sweetheart.

789. see you later.

790. help. Walter!

791. bees. Oh, my God!

792. stay absolutely still.

793. ouch.

794. I gotta go get my camera.

795. oh, God, this is too great for words! Ouch.

796. thanks for picking me up. I've been walking forever.

797. Jo! Gilly, I've been looking all over for you.

798. mama told me how you been goin' around telling everyone about your imaginary friend Leon.

799. that's what she said? You gotta accept the truth.

800. we can't be together ever.

801. I'm glad that you said that because... um...

802. if you really love this girl as much as you say you do,

803. just tell her good-bye and good luck.

804. you're right.

805. well, then, what are you doing here in beaver?

806. I just wanted to...

807. I... well, I just wanted to say good-bye...

808. and... good luck.

809. I want you to have a good life, Jo. I really do.

810. and, I promise, after today I'll never bother you again.

811. don't make it sound so sad, gilly.

812. we'll still see each other at...

813. family funerals and stuff.

814. good-bye, Jo.

815. I love you.

816. I love you too.

817. hey!

818. damn, what the... Settle down, El Paso.

819. uh, here you go, benjy.

820. now, remember, you promised not to smoke those till you're 12.

821. all right. Right on.

822. you wanna tell me what's going on? He's an evil dude.

823. he is one evil dude. Who is?

824. - mitchelson! - Jack?

825. he's the snarliest cat this town has ever seen, baby.

826. I thought you said he... That was just show business.

827. you gotta tow the line for John q. Public.

828. this town's got elephant ears, baby.

829. damn cryin' shame. You can't trust anybody anymore.

830. come on, El Paso. Slide over to my place.

831. El Paso, you got your work cut out for you, baby.

832. Jack mitchelson got millions from his daddy.

833. he's what we call a multimillionaire.

834. and in my experience women like dead presidents more than broke boyfriends.

835. no romance without finance, daddy.

836. hey, Jo's not like that. Shit.

837. love may be blind, but it can still smell that money, baby.

838. not to mention, there's a lot of cash in selling grass.

839. - what does that mean? - Hey, Sherlock,

840. Jack mitchelson is the biggest marijuana grower in the pacific northwest.

841. mm-hmm.

842. you are not seeing the forest for the weed here, man.

843. this dude's a pot grower, a reefer salesman, a doobie doctor.

844. that's why Jack keeps beaver so squeaky clean.

845. - wanna keep Johnny law from... - Sniffing around.

846. how does he get away with it? Hell, half the town's on the payroll.

847. the rest, scared to death of that wombat.

848. man.

849. - we've gotta figure out a way to get Jo out of there. - Amen to that.

850. what we need, my friend, is a plan.

851. I'll be sitting on down here and study on that for a minute.

852. - aw, that's a nice doggy. - Hell of a watchdog. Nothing gets by him.

853. hello, ladies.

854. you want to dance?

855. Whoo!

856. Whoo!

857. yeah. Come on, buddy. Be gentle with him, boys.

858. come on, sweet cheeks. Come on, buddy.

859. wait a minute. You're coming with us.

860. if you're trying to scare me, you've done a terrific job, okay?

861. fellas, this is uncalled-for.

862. come on.

863. look, this is unfair. All's I want is ten minutes with Jo.

864. hey, who doesn't?

865. - come on, Jimmy. Let's get down to business. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

866. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

867. that's what you get, you dirty little pervert!

868. hit you right on the head! How come you hit streak?

869. what? Maybe you ought to be wearing your glasses.

870. yeah, but they make me look stupid.

871. hey, pervert on the run! Go get him, Freddy!

872. keep away from me!

873. you can't stop me from seeing Jo.

874. - I'm gonna marry her! You'll see!

875. you're just sick, man!

876. - he wants to marry his sister. - He better not come back!

877. yeah, or we'll tie you to a tree, fuck you in the ass while we jerk you off!

878. show you what we really do to perverts around here!

879. you sicko! You keep runnin', boy!

880. oh, man.

881. oh!

882. hey, dig!

883. hey, dig! El Paso, up here!

884. what are you doing up there?

885. what do you mean, what am I doing up here?

886. you ever try jumping off a roof with no legs? It stings!

887. well, what do you want to do about this?

888. ah, don't worry. I got a leg for all seasons.

889. "Jo, I'm not...

890. "your brother.

891. marry me."

892. oh, dig, this is great. Thank you so much.

893. finally, I'm gonna be able to set the record straight here. There are two r's in "marry"?

894. oh, yeah, there's definitely two r's.

895. good enough.

896. listen, dig, you sure you're gonna be able to fly with that thing?

897. I'm dig McCaffrey, boy! I can fly a can of spam like this.

898. how'd you lose those legs anyway?

899. plane crash. Come on. Let's light this firecracker.

900. we're all set. You ready? All right.

901. let's go, dig.

902. they can hug all the trees they want.

903. it's the government we're gonna have to worry about.

904. we're not gonna be able to wipe our ass without a permit. Oh, barkeep.

905. less talk and more vodka.

906. yes, ma'am.

907. Gina?

908. get you a drink while I'm at it? I'll have a nice stiff one.

909. Jack, Jack, Jack!

910. you are in such good shape. How do you stay so fit?

911. El Paso, I got something here that's gonna get their attention.

912. that's my man Wagner. That's good, huh?

913. we'll come in low out of the afternoon sun.

914. is that right?

915. check it out, El Paso.

916. hey, Jo! Check out my banner!

917. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

918. I love you! I missed you!

919. I'm the one, Jo! Oh, my God.

920. the banner, it says it all!

921. that Jack's no good for you, Jo! I'm the one!

922. Jo, I love you!

923. he really is crazy.

924. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

925. I knew that boy was trouble the minute I laid eyes on him.

926. bill. Yeah, chief?

927. we've got a code nine in progress. Mobilize all units.

928. feel pretty good, huh, gilly? Oh, yeah, dig.

929. holy shit!

930. it's beaver 5-0!

931. what's going on, dig? What's goin' on?

932. start eatin'.

933. Gilbert noble, please step out of the airplane with your hands behind your head!

934. well, ship my ass to big red China!

935. they want the white boy.

936. what do they want with me? I didn't do anything.

937. I don't know. See ya, stranger.

938. all right, get your hands up!

939. what's goin' on here?

940. okay, boys, grab him!

941. hey! Hey, take it easy.

942. ah, what's goin' on?

943. oh, this isn't fair! Neither is stalking your sister, son.

944. all right, bill!

945. straight to the nuthouse. Jack mitchelson has offered to pay for his therapy.

946. good morning, gentlemen.

947. today we're discussing why it is wrong to have sex...

948. with someone related to you.

949. my wife was related to me. I had sex with her.

950. that's not the same thing, Mr. Murphy.

951. once a week we'd have sex, till she died.

952. then it was three or four times a week.

953. we're quite familiar with your case, Mr. Murphy.

954. can we have pancakes tomorrow?

955. we had pancakes yesterday, Mr. campisi.

956. today I would like to talk about...

957. how Mr. noble can overcome his unnatural compulsions toward his sister.

958. he could kill her.

959. Mr. chin.

960. can we have pancakes tomorrow?

961. hey. I know you... From before.

962. you hit me with a lead pipe. I didn't hit you.

963. you callin' Jimmy a liar?

964. uh, yeah.

965. I don't want any trouble now, okay? Hey.

966. you got any naked pictures of your sister?

967. - of course not. - Wanna buy some?

968. ten bucks apiece.

969. where'd you get these? Jimmy brung 'em to me.

970. you know, keep me company.

971. not bad, huh?

972. he also brung me these-ums... Jo's panties.

973. used too. Oh, give me those!

974. - hey, ten bucks apiece! - No way! These don't belong to you.

975. that's my future wife we're talking about!

976. you owe me a lot of money for them nakeds!

977. all right. Here's ten dollars. That's all I have. Now leave me alone.

978. pancakes!

979. pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

980. pancakes!

981. gilly!

982. - oh. Is that you?

983. don't worry, buddy. The cavalry's here.

984. come on. It's time for you to make your break.

985. here we go. Oh!

986. dig, what are you doing here?

987. I told you, a cherokee always repays his debt.

988. I thought you were one-eighth chippewa. Right, and one-eighth cherokee.

989. dig's a complex cat, baby.

990. hey, are you the pancake guy?

991. what's he doing here? I went to the wrong room first.

992. come on. Let's get you outta here.

993. Whoo! Whoo!

994. how does it feel to be off the rock, baby?

995. you are out! You are free!

996. oh, it feels great, dig! Thanks a lot!

997. listen! I would've sprung you sooner,

998. but after I ate all that weed, it took me two days...

999. just to pass the stems!

1000. Leon?

1001. holy shit! Dig, follow that car!

1002. there he is! Pull over! Pull over!

1003. ah, yes, the eager beaver.

1004. you know they used to shoot porno pictures there? Did a screening test once.

1005. I never heard anything.

1006. that is Leon. That's him, dig. That's Jo's real brother.

1007. well, he's my proof. Mm-hmm.

1008. now all's I gotta do is get her down here and show her.

1009. well, hell's bells, you better scoot.

1010. according to the paper, that wedding's going off in less than three hours.

1011. here, take my pony.

1012. - no, dig, I couldn't do that. - Take it. Possessions mean nothing to the navajo.

1013. you go down there and get your woman.

1014. I'll make sure whiffle balls stays where he's supposed to be.

1015. and you get your ass off there, campisi. Quickly, quickly! Today, son!

1016. okay, dig, thanks a lot. I'll be back as soon as I can.

1017. good journey.

1018. all right, campisi. We got an assignment.

1019. oh, God. What the hell's this?

1020. all right. Come on. Move along.

1021. move 'em out, little doggies! Let's go!

1022. hep-haw! Come on. Get out of the way.

1023. all right. Now, that's it!

1024. I'm tired of being nice.

1025. now get off the road!

1026. get your smelly ass off the road!

1027. I said get your butt off...

1028. come on.

1029. oh! Okay, come on. Just relax.

1030. come on.

1031. psst! Just where you think you're going, Leon?

1032. who the hell are you? I'm your warden till my friend gilly gets back.

1033. gilly? That's right. I said it.

1034. don't, don't... I'm warnin' ya.

1035. oh! Sumbitch!

1036. get a... get away...

1037. God damn it! Those are my legs!

1038. thief!

1039. hey! Looky there! A cowpuncher!

1040. check the prostate while you're there.

1041. hey, you're turnin' the herd on!

1042. what happened? Did your sister turn you down?

1043. - what? No! - That cow forgot to wipe its ass!

1044. come on. Giddyap! Giddyap!

1045. hey, pervert, why don't you buy her dinner first?

1046. hey, that's pretty funny. Why don't you get on with your life?

1047. hey, pop it.

1048. grab her tits! Come on.

1049. gilly, what are you doing?

1050. nothin'.

1051. what are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be getting married.

1052. I am, in an hour. Zahf was just doing my makeup.

1053. you're supposed to be at the hospital, getting better.

1054. Jo, listen. I got great news.

1055. I, uh... i found Leon.

1056. I found Leon, and I got him dead to rights.

1057. that's great, gilly. Now, why don't you just pull your arm out of Leon's butt,

1058. and we'll take a drive to the hospital.

1059. oh, no. Jo, this isn't Leon.

1060. this is just some cow that...

1061. that my... hand's...

1062. - stuck in.

1063. oh, Jesus!

1064. Jo, Leon's at the eager beaver.

1065. if you come with me, I will prove it to you.

1066. gilly, stop it, please! You can't do this anymore. You have issues.

1067. - but, Jo... - Gilly,

1068. do you remember when you took me up to the roof of the animal shelter the first time...

1069. and you told me how important it was for you to have a family?

1070. of course.

1071. well, it's important to me, too, and that's why...

1072. Jack and I have decided to have a family of our own.

1073. yeah. But, Jo, listen... Gilly,

1074. leave me to have my family.

1075. are those my missing underwear?

1076. no... Jo, I can... I can explain these. I...

1077. I didn't steal them.

1078. I bought 'em off the same scumbag that sold me these naked pictures of you.

1079. - oh! - Oh, Jo!

1080. in my country, for violating a sacred beast,

1081. you get beaten to death with bamboo sticks!

1082. - it could happen to you too. - You're so sick mentally!

1083. prevert!

1084. oh, my God. The ring.

1085. man! That was one evil trip.

1086. Whoo!

1087. well, this is it, daddy, the day every girl dreams about.

1088. you guys are really gonna like lmng up here.

1089. you'll have the best medical care,

1090. and mama won't have to work so hard.

1091. is this what you... want?

1092. what do you mean?

1093. I mean...

1094. are you happy?

1095. why wouldn't I be happy? I mean, this is a great thing, for all of us.

1096. show time, Mr. Wingfield.

1097. hey, pervert.

1098. hey, streak.

1099. what are you doing? Ain't a mental home's been built that'll hold streak.

1100. wait a minute. That's my truck. Get your hands up!

1101. was your truck. Mine now.

1102. oh, it... it looks really nice.

1103. she's my home now.

1104. so, technically, you're standing on my front lawn.

1105. so why don't you back your ass up off my property and into them woods?

1106. okay. O-okay, streak. Just take it easy.

1107. you shouldn't have cheated me on those panties. Now give me back my stuff!

1108. okay. J-just relax. Everything's all right.

1109. the pictures and the underwear and everything. See?

1110. oh, I'll take that too. Wait a minute. That's my ring!

1111. well, it's my ring now, pretty boy! Why don't you turn around?

1112. we're gonna take a little nature walk. Wait, streak. Come on now.

1113. - I gave you everything you wanted.

1114. and do you, Josephine Wingfield,

1115. take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

1116. I do. And do you,

1117. Jack mitchelson, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

1118. I do.

1119. if anyone amongst you...

1120. can show just cause why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony,

1121. speak now, or forever hold your peace.

1122. so, with the power vested in me,

1123. - I now pronou...

1124. sorry. Sorry. It's the machine.

1125. it malfunctions when the battery's low. Just go right ahead.

1126. she's in love...

1127. with... here we go.

1128. problem solved.

1129. there. Just go on. "I now pronounce you" blah, blah, blah.

1130. very well.

1131. I now pronounce you man and wife.

1132. you may kiss the bride.

1133. well, what do we got here? Gilly noble.

1134. look at you. Taste of beauty, you.

1135. you ain't gonna mess up my sister's wedding, you pervert!

1136. - oh!

1137. here's my wedding present, mama!

1138. mom, is daddy all right? Oh, yes. It's just all the excitement.

1139. he's said he'd love to be able to join you. He's just not up to it.

1140. one, two,

1141. three.

1142. - I'd like to propose a toast.

1143. a toast to my baby girl, to little Jo,

1144. who has finally found the man of her dreams,

1145. a man that is not only...

1146. cops? See ya.

1147. what's going on?

1148. sorry to bother you, Jack.

1149. Mrs. mitchelson, I'm afraid we have...

1150. some bad news.

1151. your brother gilly... There's been an accident.

1152. his truck... blew up.

1153. the body was burned beyond recognition, ma'am.

1154. by the time we got to the scene, some coyotes had come by...

1155. and torn off some of the major body parts.

1156. they even ate his... Gina!

1157. I think that's enough description of the deceased for right now.

1158. yeah. Okeydokey.

1159. are you sure? Are you sure that it was gilly?

1160. well... we found this ring on his finger bone...

1161. with your names inscribed on it.

1162. I scooped up what I could, ashes mostly.

1163. put 'em in my thermos.

1164. thought you might like to keep 'em for remembrance.

1165. he killed himself. I know it.

1166. it's all my fault.

1167. no, that is not true, ma'am.

1168. your brother is in that thermos right now...

1169. on account of a fellow I have in custody right here.

1170. all right, boys. Bring him out.

1171. Leon? Did you say "Leon"?

1172. mama, I was just following him. It was an accident.

1173. I didn't mean to bump his car. And then it exploded.

1174. he's your brother, Jo!

1175. Walter! Your real brother.

1176. daddy? We hid the truth from you...

1177. because valdine wanted a crack at Jack's money,

1178. and, lord help me, so did I.

1179. are you saying that gilly was never my brother?

1180. well... how could you do that to me?

1181. we did it for your own good. He was a dogcatcher.

1182. you're crazy! You're just crazy, okay?

1183. - I'm sorry, Jack. - No.

1184. I'm just very confused right now.

1185. no, don't apologize to him. He set the whole thing up.

1186. - that's a lie. - Ask him if the name Vic vetter...

1187. rings a bell.

1188. - shut up, Walter. - Because Jack mailed Vic false information about gilly.

1189. you tell her, valdine. You tell her the truth!

1190. Walter, what the hell are you talking about? You're sick!

1191. you're fucking sick!

1192. - there. Oh, dear, let me see. - I hope you all make one big happy family.

1193. just don't include me.

1194. Walter, you goddamn idiot! Look at you! She deserves a better life.

1195. - how dare you ruin my wedding. - Blow me!

1196. you did this! I'm gonna kill you!

1197. son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you! Mama!

1198. I'm gonna kill you! Mama! Mam...

1199. uh-oh.

1200. ma'am?

1201. mama?

1202. Gina, you better call them ambulance boys, now.

1203. we got a 9-1-1 at the mitchelson estate.

1204. we're gonna need an ambulance asap.

1205. looks like a possible coronary or some sort of jiggling...

1206. oh, my goodness.

1207. holy shit!

1208. it's the ghost of El Paso past. Hi, dig.

1209. "hi, dig," shit. I thought you was barbecue.

1210. so everybody thinks I'm dead?

1211. hell, I thought you were dead myself. Campisi too.

1212. I guess it's probably all for the better.

1213. now Jo can... really get on with her life here.

1214. I have no idea how I'm gonna get home. Dig McCaffrey at your service.

1215. "I'll fly up your ass if the money's right."

1216. I cannot believe you put this on here. It's good, huh?

1217. are you serious, dig? It's the least I can do...

1218. after whaling on your truck with a sledgehammer.

1219. oh, shit. Come on, El Paso.

1220. the bird's out front and all gassed up. Now, what you gonna do?

1221. let's light that firecracker. You bet your ass.

1222. "o noble creature,

1223. " the time has come...

1224. "for the two of us to part...

1225. "and for you to go to a better place,

1226. a place deep inside my heart."

1227. gilly, deep down, I always did believe you.

1228. I know that, Larry, and I do appreciate it.

1229. now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna sneak you in through the back door. Jo?

1230. hey, is that Jo? Oh, my God.

1231. Jo!

1232. Jo!

1233. "... and fetch the stick that's thrown by God."

1234. no!

1235. - gilly? - Jo!

1236. oh, my God.

1237. I was just gmng you the one-gun salute.

1238. I can't believe you're alive.

1239. now, valdine, don't be so sad.

1240. you're not losing a daughter here. You're gaining a son.

1241. blow it out your ass, Walter.

1242. yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hey, gilly.

1243. hey, Jo. First of all, congratulations on your nuptials.

1244. I want to wish you much happiness.

1245. thanks, Vic, but we got guests... I know you got guests,

1246. but I got some good news.

1247. I found your mother, your real mother this time. Thank you.

1248. free of charge. I got signatures. I got documents.

1249. DNA evidence. I don't know, Vic.

1250. listen to me, gilly.

1251. she flew all the way from California to meet you.

1252. my baby!

1253. my precious gift from God!

1254. oh! Oh!

1255. Suzanne somers is my mother?

1256. gilly, didn't you used to...