Saturday the 14th (1981)

1. Where is that real estate lady?

2. She probably meant four o'clock in the afternoon.

3. Four o'clock in the afternoon?

4. When does she sleep?

5. It's what we call a fixer upper.

6. Tell me, are we convenient to the school here?

7. Oh, yes, the school is just two blocks away.

8. And young children will walk past here regularly?

9. Do you two have children?

10. As often as we can.

11. Waldemar?

12. Ask no more questions.

13. We're supposed to be typical people looking for a home.

14. I am looking for a way into this house.

15. You ask normal questions.

16. Tell me, what does the building code

17. say about filling the basement with earth?

18. Well, um, it is a finished basement.

19. Not yet it isn't.

20. Oh, I do love this house.

21. Um, there may be one small problem.

22. It doesn't matter what it cost.

23. Oh, it's not a matter of cost.

24. We must get into this house.

25. We've looked for such a long time.

26. A very, very long time.

27. For just this house.

28. Well, you see, a few days ago right after you called me...

29. "The disposition"

30. "of will shall be entrusted"

31. "to my friend and attorney, T. Armstrong Sedgeway."

32. - Oh. - You know,

33. I don't understand it.

34. Whenever I asked him for anything,

35. he always said, "Leave it to me."

36. So I figured he'd leave something to me.

37. "And to my sister Lucille",

38. "who could always be counted on to borrow anything I had"

39. "and not return it,"

40. "I leave 3,000 overdue library books."

41. That's all?

42. That's all I get for being his sister all these years?

43. He does have one more thing for you.

44. After what everybody else has gotten,

45. I think we're better off he forgot us.

46. "And to my nephew John and his wife, Mary,"

47. "I leave my vast estate in Eerie,"

48. "Pennsylvania." Oh.

49. No.

50. John, our own house.

51. I played in that house when I was a little boy.

52. With all its surrounding land.

53. We'll have a garden.

54. Now we don't have to be afraid

55. to let the children go out and play.

56. That house is mine.

57. "My attorney shall inform John and Mary"

58. "of the curse on the house."

59. Curse?

60. What curse?

61. Yes, well as I understand it...

62. We've inherited a house with a curse.

63. I do not intend to lose this house.

64. How 'bout this one?

65. There was a young girl from Hong Kong...

66. Billy, say goodbye to the nice truck driver.

67. Bye.

68. Oh, it's wonderful.

69. It's a wonderful house.

70. Mary, that's not the house.

71. This is the house?

72. You're gonna love it here.

73. I feel it in my bones.

74. Come on.

75. It's what we call a fixer upper.

76. It's what we call home.

77. I'm sure they won't stay very long.

78. I'm sure they won't.

79. I know they won't.

80. Oh, it even smells like Uncle Henry's house.

81. It's not going to smell like this much longer.

82. I'll be in college before

83. we get rid of this smell.

84. Turn on the lights.

85. Maybe Uncle Henry didn't pay his electric bill.

86. I think this place is creepy.

87. All it needs is a little cleaning up.

88. Where's Rover?

89. Rover, Rover?

90. Come on, Boy.

91. Rover?

92. I wonder what got into Rover?

93. It's this place.

94. It's creepy.

95. Billy, why don't you go out and bring Rover in.

96. Billy?

97. Billy?

98. Billy?

99. Billy?

100. Billy?

101. Billy?

102. He's probably just hiding.

103. Remember when we went

104. to Disneyland and he hid inside Pluto for two hours?

105. Billy, if you're hiding inside a big dog again...

106. I'm not staying here alone.

107. What?

108. This place is so creepy.

109. Who screamed? I heard a scream.

110. Where have you been?

111. Fixing the fuse box.

112. You guys don't wanna send me away

113. to boarding school or something, do you?

114. Everything will be just fine.

115. You'd be amazed at what some nice curtains

116. will do to this house.

117. I'm just worried about what this house

118. is gonna do to me.

119. Hey, they haven't found it yet.

120. You can't be too sure.

121. I, I of all people, I can't be too sure?

122. Of course, I can be sure.

123. They haven't found it because we have to find it.

124. It started out

125. to be an evening just like any other,

126. but before it was over,

127. Millison Hackshaw would find herself in...

128. Was an innocent teenage girl.

129. She had no idea that the terrible events

130. building around her would plunge her...

131. Is that what you call looking at the TV?

132. I've tried every channel and all I get

133. is The Twilight Zone. Her father opened the door

134. and stepped out... Lightning always

135. does that to the TV reception.

136. A dimension of sight

137. and sound and smell.

138. A dimension of Oriental...

139. It'll be alright once the storm is over.

140. A dimension of abandoned lumberyards.

141. A dimension of railway stations

142. that have stopped being grand and are nowhere near central.

143. There's a train leaving from that station,

144. and it's destination is Cincinnati, Ohio.

145. What storm?

146. Mary?

147. Come here, look at this.

148. It's some kind of a note.

149. It's from Uncle Henry before he died.

150. "Don't open the book."

151. What book?

152. He doesn't say.

153. I don't see any book.

154. Maybe it's a cookbook?

155. Oh, why wouldn't he want us to open a cookbook?

156. Well, you know how I am

157. about my apple turnover recipe.

158. We're going to be very happy here.

159. I'm so glad we're here

160. in our very own house.

161. Isn't it about time to go to bed?

162. I got all the dishes to do.

163. They'll still be here in the morning.

164. Well, they've been here a whole day.

165. They've gotta be ready to sell it by now.

166. It wouldn't be nice

167. to wake them,

168. but, maybe somebody's up around the side.

169. Maybe I'll come back later.

170. Maybe not.

171. Oh, no!

172. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

173. What was that?

174. It must have been an owl.

175. You're right.

176. It was an owl.

177. Damn owls.

178. Oops.

179. The monster was here.

180. Calm down, you've just had a nightmare.

181. Come on, everything's gonna be alright.

182. - Except for the monster. - Billy, Billy,

183. there's no monster in here.

184. There is, he's nine feet tall, he has four arms,

185. huge eyes on the top of his head and huge teeth.

186. Billy, act your age.

187. I am acting my age.

188. You're just used to me acting line a grown up.

189. I'm 10 years old,

190. and there's a monster in here.

191. Billy, there's no monster here.

192. Look, do you see a monster in this room?

193. I can't believe that I'm standing here

194. in the middle of night arguing with a 10 year old kid

195. about the existence of monsters.

196. Now just calm down and go to sleep,

197. Everything will be fine in the morning.

198. Except for me, I'll be a faded memory in the morning.

199. I bet you were reading scary books again

200. before you went to bed.

201. I...

202. Goodnight.

203. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

204. He had a nightmare.

205. He thought there was a monster in his room.

206. I guess it's just spending

207. the first night in a strange house.

208. He'll be alright in the morning.

209. Monsters.

210. Mary?

211. Mary?

212. Mary?

213. I was good.

214. I didn't tell.

215. Okay, I told.

216. But he didn't believe me.

217. Mary?

218. Mary?

219. Mary?

220. Are you alright?

221. Yeah, fine.

222. Good.

223. Is Billy okay?

224. Yeah, everything's fine.

225. Wow.

226. Damn owls.

227. They found the book.

228. It's not fair.

229. For 300 years, I've been searching for that book.

230. Well, now you know where it is.

231. That's not the point.

232. Don't you understand?

233. Whoever controls the book, controls the world.

234. And now he's got it.

235. Two days from now there may not be a world.

236. Good morning.

237. Thank you for doing the dishes last night.

238. I didn't do the dishes.

239. Oh?

240. It must have been Debbie.

241. Or maybe there are elves in the house.

242. Elves.

243. I guess they could have used a little more sunlight.

244. Oh, that's better, darling.

245. They don't seem nearly as dead.

246. Well, it may have been

247. noisy last night, but this morning

248. the house feels so comfortable.

249. I don't think I slept 15 minutes all night.

250. Billy woke us up.

251. He had a nightmare.

252. And we kept hearing owls.

253. If you guys think I'm starting school today

254. in this condition, forget it.

255. It'll be much quieter once we get curtains on the windows.

256. If you were so tired, you didn't have to

257. get up early and do the dishes.

258. I didn't do the dishes.

259. - You didn't? - Well then who did?

260. It must have been Billy.

261. Mom, when did you ever know Billy to do a dish?

262. Well, somebody did the dishes,

263. and we're the only ones in this house.

264. If he could get out of the book,

265. there's gotta be a book to tell you how to get them back in.

266. There's something creepy about this place.

267. It was a neighborhood

268. not unlike any other neighborhood,

269. but this was a day unlike any other clay.

270. We're going out to do some shopping.

271. We're going to buy some curtains.

272. Heavy curtains, this place will be quiet as a tomb.

273. Curtains and a few other things.

274. It seems that one of the windows was broken.

275. Yeah, it must have happened during my nightmare.

276. We'll see you in a little while.

277. Oh, Mom.

278. You didn't clean up my room, did ya?

279. I just put a few clothes away.

280. Don't wreck the house while we're gone.

281. See you later.

282. Bye.

283. We'll be back in a little while.

284. Oh, my god, what a bright, beautiful morning.

285. Yes, it is a bright, beautiful morning,

286. and we're in our own home.

287. Yes, we are.

288. Stanley had been before...

289. - Hi. - Hi.

290. Anything the matter? Oh, no.

291. I got to work, I forgot my badge,

292. so I had to come and get it.

293. I couldn't sleep all night.

294. I kept hearing noises.

295. Take care.

296. If you need anything, just scream.

297. It' so reassuring to have a policeman living next door.

298. Billy, can you get that?

299. Hello?

300. This is the telephone company.

301. You got me out of the tub to tell me that?

302. Your telephone is going to be

303. out of service for the next hour.

304. Good, now maybe I can take my bath.

305. This is a recording.

306. Hey, Billy, are you deaf or something?

307. The next one who gets me out of that tub is in big trouble.

308. Help!

309. Billy!

310. Billy!

311. Billy!

312. Billy, there's a fish in the bathtub.

313. There's a giant fish in the bathtub.

314. What?

315. Do something.

316. You're supposed to be the smart one in this family.

317. Will you just do something?

318. What do you want me to do, broil it?

319. How big is this fish?

320. Big.

321. Do something.

322. I gotta get upstairs.

323. Ya gotta keep him busy.

324. What am I supposed to do?

325. Bring out the Monopoly set?

326. Do something.

327. I need time to get up to my room, okay?

328. Oh.

329. You've got to, just keep him away.

330. Debbie, run.

331. Get away.

332. This is what you call hanging up a few clothes?

333. If she moved that book...

334. I need the police, give me the police.

335. The Coast Guard, I need the Coast Guard.

336. I need help.

337. Everything alright in there?

338. No.

339. Help!

340. On my way.

341. Hold it right there, man.

342. Turn around, put your hands against the wall.

343. Help!

344. Stop right there or

345. I'll shoot. No, no!

346. No!

347. I don't want any

348. trouble with you.

349. Kill him, what are you doing?

350. Kill him!

351. Debbie, wake up.

352. You gotta help me find that book

353. before Mom and Dad get back.

354. If they find out that this was my fault, come on.

355. Debbie, wake up.

356. There is another dimension

357. for decent cheeseburgers,

358. to a lost seven year old sits.

359. Where the bluebird of happiness still sings every morning.

360. Where the decent people who live next door

361. could be from another planet.

362. Hi, we're back.

363. How's everything?

364. Oh, just fine, just fine.

365. Where's Debbie?

366. I think she's taking a bath.

367. Ah.

368. Debbie?

369. Debbie? No!

370. It's me, it's your mother.

371. Debbie, are you alright?

372. I guess I fell asleep.

373. Oh, Mom, I had the creepiest dream.

374. Come on, come on.

375. We can make a deal.

376. What do you want?

377. Hey, how about food?

378. What do you like to eat?

379. Bad question.

380. This house is creepy.

381. Ah, there's nothing wrong with this house.

382. Then how come all we get on TV is The Twilight Zone?

383. Some shows are very popular.

384. I once watched television all morning

385. and never say anything but I love Lucy.

386. Mom, this isn't I Love Lucy.

387. This is, there's a dimension of mind.

388. Oh, that's just your imagination.

389. You'll see, everybody will love this house.

390. Everybody?

391. You're the only one who loves it.

392. Everybody at the party.

393. What party?

394. Saturday night.

395. The relatives insisted on coming over,

396. so we had to invite somebody we could stand, too.

397. To balance things out.

398. This Saturday night?

399. The 13th.

400. Mom, Friday's the 13th.

401. The 14th then.

402. Saturday the 14th.

403. I've gotta find that book.

404. Do this mean you want something to eat?

405. No.

406. Billy, you can't just mope around like this.

407. I won't be moping around much longer.

408. I'm glad to hear that.

409. You know, if you've got some problem...

410. Well, if you lost something...

411. Yes?

412. If you lost something and because you lost it

413. the whole world was gonna be destroyed,

414. what would you do?

415. Are you telling me you lost something?

416. Oh, hi, Deb, welcome home,

417. you need some help? Oh, thanks.

418. Remember those people who were trying to buy the house?

419. Yes.

420. Well, they were at the supermarket,

421. and they asked me if we have any antiques we wanted to sell,

422. and also they wanted to know about any old books.

423. Boy are they creepy.

424. You know, Dad, you really ought to sell 'em the house.

425. They'd fit right in.

426. Debbie, what would you do if you lost something

427. and the world was going to be destroyed?

428. I'd call the police.

429. That wasn't the answer.

430. I wonder what Mom wanted this for?

431. She must be getting into European cooking.

432. Hmm.

433. Where is she, anyway?

434. What else, cleaning.

435. Hello?

436. Is anybody in there?

437. Hello?

438. You poor baby.

439. How long have you been up here?

440. Let's get you a bowl of milk.

441. Come on, kitty, kitty, here.

442. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty

443. kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

444. That can't be mice.

445. Not with a cat up here all this time.

446. Kitty?

447. Come on out.

448. Puss?

449. Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

450. Come on out, okay?

451. God, look at all these owls.

452. Hey, take it easy, huh?

453. Stop it, owl.

454. Ah, ah, ow.

455. Go on, I won't let them hurt you now.

456. Go on, my darling.

457. Take a little nap.

458. Electric, electrolysis, elevator, exercise,

459. ah, there it is, exterminator.

460. Who ate my sandwich?

461. Not me.

462. Me, yeah, yeah, it was me.

463. I thought you weren't hungry?

464. Well, you know, excitement.

465. Excitement always makes ya hungry.

466. Excitement, ah, exterminator.

467. Ah, there's a good one.

468. Major Pest Control.

469. Major Pest Control.

470. This is the Major speaking.

471. My name is John Hyatt,

472. and I've got bats in my belfry.

473. I'm an exterminator.

474. My belfry's full of bats.

475. They just attacked my wife.

476. Oh, you got bats in your belfry.

477. - A lot of bats. - Do you know how many?

478. We charge by the bat.

479. I don't care what it costs

480. as long as we get the bats outta here.

481. Yeah, okay, I'll send a man over, say, ah, next Tuesday.

482. No, right away, this minute.

483. I'm at 329 Elm Street.

484. Okay, I'll send him out.

485. Van Helsing?

486. Yeah?

487. Bats.

488. Bats!

489. 329 Elm Street.

490. That sounds so hopeful.

491. So inviting.

492. So did 1827 Maple Street.

493. So did 4386 Brentworst Drive.

494. Sooner or later, my friend,

495. I will find a house where the bats

496. did not come in through the window.

497. Sooner or later I'll be able to end my searching.

498. 329 Elm Street,

499. it doesn't sound like the end of the rainbow.

500. It's not that end of the rainbow that I'm looking for.

501. So, you're the man with bats in his belfry, aye?

502. You're the exterminator?

503. - Yeah. - You don't look

504. like an exterminator.

505. That's to fool the bats.

506. Oh, what have we here?

507. Nothing fires the imagination so much as a fine library.

508. Do you have any old books, any very old books?

509. Maybe you better ask Billy.

510. He's the smart one in the family.

511. No, no, no, old books.

512. I always throw my old books away

513. when I'm finished reading them.

514. Old books can be worth quite a lot of money.

515. Take this to my room.

516. Your room?

517. Well, you don't expect me to get rid of bats overnight.

518. I guess you can use the guestroom.

519. He is really creepy.

520. Down at the exterminator place, we have a little motto.

521. When I leave this house,

522. there will be nothing left here

523. to be afraid of.

524. Ah, this must be your charming wife.

525. What's for dinner?

526. I think Mary bought a roast.

527. Debbie, why don't you start cooking

528. while I show our guest to his room.

529. You know, it sure gets dark early since we've moved here.

530. It's getting creepy.

531. Are you still having nightmares?

532. I don't even have to be asleep.

533. Listen, we've gotta work on Mom and Dad

534. to just sell this place and move.

535. They can't sell it.

536. It's part of Uncle Henry's will.

537. They sell the place,

538. the money goes back to the estate

539. and all those vultures split it up.

540. Oh, so we're stuck here?

541. Not for long.

542. Boy, even my own brother's getting creepy.

543. Dad!

544. Just rest.

545. It'll be alright.

546. I wonder...

547. What?

548. I wonder if I'm pregnant.

549. Help!

550. The man next door...

551. What's the matter?

552. - No, it, it, it, it, - What, what?

553. - It's in the kitchen. - The man next door

554. is in the kitchen?

555. I wonder what he wants?

556. Well, whatever he wanted, he must have found it.

557. He probably just needed a cup of sugar or something.

558. But he was...

559. He...

560. It was an excellent meal.

561. I could stay here forever.

562. Darling, have a little piece.

563. No, thank you very much.

564. Sweetheart, have a taste.

565. You'll love it.

566. Debbie used a lotta garlic.

567. No, no, garlic, keep it away!

568. Thank you very much.

569. Maybe we oughta get you

570. some pickles and ice cream.

571. You have been developing strange eating habits

572. since you've been here, yeah?

573. No, no, that's just a little joke.

574. You know, about being...

575. - About being what? - It's personal.

576. About being pregnant.

577. Oh, you're going to have a baby.

578. Really, Mom?

579. Really?

580. Do you know who's baby it might be?

581. I don't like that kinda talk.

582. You remember Rosemary.

583. She had a baby.

584. I don't even know that I'm having a baby.

585. It may be just a...

586. Just what?

587. A strange feeling.

588. And it started since you came to live here.

589. That book is in this house.

590. Book, what book?

591. What book?

592. The book.

593. Why do you think that you have strange things

594. happening to you?

595. Why do you think you have bats?

596. We have bats because of a book?

597. You have more than bats.

598. You have problems.

599. If anything happens to that book,

600. the whole world has problems.

601. If someone should open that book,

602. his soul will be doomed to eternal hellfire and damnation.

603. Hell!

604. I've followed this book around the world

605. for many, many years.

606. More years than you would care to hear of.

607. And now, at last, I know where it is.

608. Where is it? What?

609. - What? - What?

610. It's gone.

611. You had it?

612. You didn't open it, did you?

613. Oh, boy.

614. I didn't know.

615. Will someone please tell me what this is all about?

616. After all, I am the man of the house here.

617. Your book of evil!

618. Evil?

619. Evil.

620. All the evil that there's ever been.

621. In one book?

622. Boy, a book like that would be a bestseller for sure.

623. All of that evil is loose here in this house.

624. Well, I guess it's time to sell the house.

625. Oh, yeah.

626. Ah, you said you knew some people who wanted to buy it.

627. Let's give that nice real estate lady a call.

628. We are not going to sell this house.

629. But, Mom?

630. This is our home now.

631. We, we belong here.

632. Selling the house now

633. would be like closing the barn door

634. after the horses have eaten your children.

635. So what are we supposed to do?

636. Well, for one thing, we better cancel that party.

637. You're having a party here, now?

638. We were having a few people over tomorrow night.

639. Tomorrow night?

640. Saturday the 14th?

641. Do you know what's gonna be

642. waiting here for those people?

643. Maybe we better just let the relatives come.

644. No, let everybody come.

645. We can use those people.

646. Their energy.

647. And we will triumph.

648. But I have a great deal of work to do in the next 24 hours.

649. And boy, find that book.

650. Mary?

651. Mary?

652. Go where you hid the book

653. and bring it to me.

654. Bring me the book, my darling.

655. Good.

656. Bring me the book,

657. and we'll fly off together.

658. Yes.

659. Yes.

660. The book.

661. Okay, go back to bed.

662. I'll think of another way.

663. Incantations for every occasion.

664. Every occasion but finding that book.

665. Turning bill collectors to stone.

666. Day to day.

667. He is in there and we're out here.

668. He's got that book by now.

669. If he had that book by now,

670. he wouldn't still be in there.

671. But we'd still be out here.

672. - You could go in there. - I could.

673. You always do.

674. You're starting to like that woman, aren't you?

675. She's not my type.

676. She's hundred of years too young for me.

677. I'd like to take a look at her neck.

678. Honey, all I'm after is the book.

679. Maybe I'll go in with you tonight.

680. Well, if you don't trust me after 311 years of marriage...

681. 312.

682. We'll talk about this when I get back.

683. I'm going with you.

684. I wish I'd

685. never learned to do this.

686. It's so unattractive.

687. I'll get that book if it kills us.

688. It doesn't matter where we live,

689. I've always got the longest walk to the bathroom.

690. This isn't the bathroom.

691. This is the kitchen.

692. What am I doing in the kitchen?

693. What are they doing in the kitchen?

694. How am I gonna get out of the kitchen?

695. I'm trying to find that book,

696. and all she can think about is that hooker woman in London.

697. That was a hundred years ago.

698. Oops.

699. Can't take you anywhere.

700. If you weren't immortal, you'd kill yourself.

701. Oh, look.

702. Isn't that that burglar Larry from Budapest?

703. No, that's a fruit bat from the Philippines.

704. I just hope this isn't going

705. to be another little incident like that hooker woman.

706. That was a hundred years ago.

707. I know, you're overdue.

708. Oh, we meet again.

709. I thought I settled your hash last time.

710. I'm stronger now.

711. I know how to deal with your kind.

712. We were here first.

713. I got inside the house first.

714. We tried to buy it.

715. But you didn't, now get out of my house.

716. Not without the book.

717. You will never get it.

718. Do you know what one drop of this will do to you?

719. One drop?

720. Darling, maybe we had better go.

721. But we'll be back.

722. And I'll be ready for you.

723. Some vampires will believe anything.

724. Not bad.

725. Not good, but not bad.

726. I think maybe it's time you all just

727. got outta this house.

728. You think it's that easy?

729. You thinking you can just go waltzing

730. through the front door,

731. and all the evil in the world will just politely fade

732. into the woodwork, yeah?

733. You want to leave?

734. Go ahead, leave.

735. Go on.

736. Walk out the door.

737. Walk out on your family.

738. Forget your sister.

739. Forget your responsibilities, go ahead.

740. I've gotta get outta here.

741. What is it your afraid of?

742. Open the door.

743. Have you had enough?

744. Close it, it's freezing in here.

745. You see?

746. You can't leave.

747. But I've gotta go to school Monday.

748. By Monday, all of this will be over.

749. It'll be over tomorrow night at the party.

750. One way or the other.

751. You know what this kitchen needs

752. is some decoration.

753. You could hang strings of garlic.

754. Mary doesn't seem to be

755. as fond of garlic as she used to.

756. Garlic is very attractive

757. in a kitchen this color.

758. No, thank you.

759. I never drink coffee.

760. I'll take it.

761. Without my first cup of coffee in the morning,

762. I can't see straight.

763. We had a house once in Bavaria.

764. We had so much garlic hanging,

765. we couldn't find the stove.

766. We couldn't even smell the stove.

767. That kitchen made the cover

768. of Better Homes and Garlic.

769. Oh, I've gotta get outta here.

770. There must be something we can do.

771. - Oh, there is. - What?

772. Well you can, you can put out big bowls of potato chips,

773. and you can make a nice onion clip.

774. Potato chips?

775. Onion clip?

776. Is that what monsters eat?

777. No, that's what people eat.

778. I'm not hungry.

779. Well, you're having a party tonight.

780. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

781. You forgot about the party?

782. The whole world is depending upon this party.

783. Now, we need onion dip, we need club soda,

784. we need old Barbara Streisand records.

785. The people at this party

786. have to be as happy as any people ever were.

787. We need all the positive energy

788. that we can get our hands on.

789. Positive energy?

790. We better call the relatives and tell 'em not to come.

791. Why don't you do it?

792. I'm gonna check on your mother.

793. Here, take this coffee.

794. Huh, I can't stand the sight of it.

795. I think the circuits are busy.

796. Yeah, you know, it's cheaper to call before eight o'clock.

797. Circuits are probably just jammed

798. with people trying to save 15 cents.

799. Yeah, right.

800. I'll call again after eight.

801. Mary, are you alright?

802. What's this?

803. What's what?

804. All this dirt?

805. Your whole side of the bed is covered with earth.

806. I, I must have spilled a flower pot.

807. Well, we'll have to get this cleaned up.

808. No, no, thank you, I'll clean it myself later.

809. I have to get some sleep now.

810. Give me a kiss, darling.

811. Oh, let me just see who that is.

812. I'll be back for that kiss.

813. Yeah? Hi, liquor store.

814. No, private residence.

815. - Yeah? - No, no,

816. I am from the liquor store. Ah.

817. - You called last night? - Yeah.

818. Potato chips, club soda,

819. onion dip, Streisand records.

820. Yeah, come in.

821. Put it in the kitchen.

822. I would help you with it,

823. but I, I hurt my back in Crimean War.

824. Maybe it'd be better today if you played inside.

825. I've gotta get out of this house.

826. I'm a 10 year old kid.

827. I'm supposed to be out in the sunshine.

828. You'll never know the contribution you've made

829. for saving the world.

830. Who's that guy?

831. Have a nice day now?

832. Boy, these storms come up all of sudden this time of year.

833. You folks mind if I wait it out here for a few minutes?

834. George and Elizabeth Benson

835. get into their car to go to a party,

836. but this wasn't going to be

837. the kind of party they expected.

838. The guest are about to arrive.

839. Billy, will you turn that thing off?

840. - I did turn it off. - The hors d'oeuvres

841. have been prepared in the...

842. Oh, feed me.

843. Young man, we're gonna have dinner in just a few minutes.

844. There are many ways

845. of fighting evil.

846. Huh, many ways.

847. This could take hours.

848. When are those people coming?

849. I'll get it.

850. - I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.

851. - Uh-oh. - Everybody always gets

852. so excited about the first guests.

853. But, Mom, there's something horrible out there.

854. Ah, you really are living here.

855. You're right, there is something horrible out there.

856. Aunt Lucille.

857. Uncle Bert.

858. Here's a little something from all of us.

859. An electric can opener.

860. Well, the place feels just the same

861. as it did when Uncle Henry died of a...

862. Mary.

863. Mary quite contrary.

864. Quite beautiful.

865. Hey, John...

866. Oh, sweetie.

867. This place could blow up any minute now.

868. I could get you a disaster policy.

869. - Would it go into effect now? - Look how pale he is.

870. Don't you ever let him out? I'm gettin' 10%.

871. - Oh, such a cutie. - Hey, John...

872. - Oh, my little cutie. - Hi, there.

873. I'm Phil, Johnny's cousin.

874. - Want a drink? - You call those

875. hors d'oeuvres?

876. Yeah, I could go for something.

877. - What have they got? - I don't know.

878. This one's got no meat on it.

879. Which way is the bar?

880. What have we here?

881. How long have they been here?

882. - Bring on the food. - Do bring it on.

883. Phil wanted to sell me disaster insurance.

884. - On this house? - Disaster, what is it?

885. That man deserves everything that comes to him.

886. I thought you were going to use these people

887. to get rid of the monsters?

888. - I am. - Aunt Lucille,

889. let me take you coat.

890. Oh, no, no, dear.

891. I'll hang it up myself.

892. Otherwise, how could I look in your closets?

893. Who is that kid on the sofa?

894. I don't know.

895. Terrible place, I would never live in here.

896. Oh, god.

897. Ah, there's the closet.

898. Let's see who's skeleton is in it.

899. Well, the nerve of her.

900. Buying a coat just like mine.

901. Hello?

902. Hi, I'm Annette Muldowney from next door.

903. I hated to come alone,

904. but I haven't seen my husband in two days.

905. Well, he's a policeman.

906. He's probably working overtime.

907. The crime is so terrible these days.

908. They've been getting killed everywhere you look.

909. Well, I'm glad one of you could make it.

910. Come on.

911. I brought you a little something.

912. It's an electric can opener.

913. It's exactly what I needed.

914. - Oh. - Thank you.

915. I'll see if we can use it at the bar.

916. Come in.

917. Banana daiquiri.

918. Banana daiquiri.

919. The world is coming to end and they make me the bartender.

920. Ah, I haven't mixed a drink

921. since that time Attila the Hun

922. got drunk and wrecked Mongolia.

923. Anyone had the banana daiquiri?

924. Ah, Mary, have you seen Lucille?

925. Not since she went to,

926. to hang up her coat.

927. I can't find her hiding ever.

928. How does your garden grow?

929. You have to find somebody else to be bartender.

930. I brought you this can opener.

931. That'll make it easier.

932. I have things to do.

933. People are already disappearing.

934. Where's Billy?

935. I need him for this.

936. He's right...

937. I'll find him.

938. If anything has happened to that boy,

939. we'll be sunk.

940. Mary?

941. Have you seen Billy?

942. Mary, this ice is so old.

943. Have you seen Billy?

944. Yeah, he's ri...

945. Oh, he must have gone upstairs.

946. You know how kids hate grownup parties.

947. Debbie?

948. Have you seen Billy?

949. Find him.

950. Okay.

951. Debbie?

952. Who's that guy?

953. I don't know.

954. You haven't found the boy yet?

955. We haven't even looked yet.

956. Well look, look high and low.

957. It's almost 11:30.

958. If we don't have that boy by midnight,

959. things are going to get extraordinarily unpleasant.

960. People.

961. Everybody.

962. I have an announcement to make.

963. We're going to play a little game.

964. Somewhere in this house is hidden a small boy.

965. Let's see who is the first to find him.

966. What do we win?

967. You win, win, what do you win?

968. Oh, you, you get to keep the boy.

969. - No. - Ah, no, no.

970. Ah, you, you, ah, you get an electric can opener.

971. - Good - Oh.

972. Alright.

973. Billy?

974. Billy?

975. Billy?

976. Billy?

977. The book, it's gone.

978. Beryourhomen, grainen, consacrat.

979. Billy?

980. Billy?

981. Are you here?

982. Billy?

983. Billy?

984. Now this worked on that other little boy.

985. How the hell did it go?

986. You look here,

987. I'll go in here.

988. Holler if you see anything.

989. Right.

990. Billy?

991. Billy?

992. My, god. It's what

993. we call a fixer upper.

994. Oh.

995. Billy?

996. Find your own place to look for him.

997. I think it's real...

998. You haven't seen the little boy, have you?

999. Ernie.

1000. Oh, thank god you're here.

1001. Ernie, do something.

1002. Oh.

1003. Oh, oh, oh.

1004. Bill?

1005. Bill, will you answer me?

1006. Oh, thanks.

1007. I almost broke my neck.

1008. - You found him? - We looked everywhere.

1009. In one minute, terrible things are going to happen.

1010. Less than a minute.

1011. The monsters are taking over the house.

1012. We're all doomed.

1013. Doomed!

1014. Who could that be?

1015. Everybody I'd invited has already shown up.

1016. - And left, I'll get it. - I'll get it.

1017. - I'll get it. - I'll get it.

1018. I believe this what you've been looking for, Van Helsing.

1019. - Billy. - Stop, don't touch that boy.

1020. Give me that book.

1021. Not so fast.

1022. We have no time to lose.

1023. Billy, my boy, will you kindly hand me that book?

1024. Give him the book, Billy.

1025. He's the only one who can get rid of the monsters.

1026. He is the monster.

1027. Give me the book.

1028. I know who you are.

1029. You're in this book.

1030. They showed me.

1031. I can make you very strong.

1032. Never.

1033. Come on, Billy, quit fooling around.

1034. Your powers are nothing compared to mine.

1035. When I get that book, I will rule the world.

1036. Think of it.

1037. Famine, war, death!

1038. Those we've got.

1039. And you will be the first to die.

1040. No one will stop me.

1041. I never liked that lamp.

1042. Why, that was your mother's table.

1043. Was it?

1044. Mm-yeah.

1045. Na, na, na, na, na.

1046. The fireplace, it's burning.

1047. I am your master.

1048. Once the book is destroyed,

1049. you will never be imprisoned again.

1050. The army of night will rule the world.

1051. It can't get any creepier than this.

1052. Help me, please

1053. I know, nobody's gonna be fine.

1054. Let go of this book, boy.

1055. It killed the monsters,

1056. and it'll kill you.

1057. Nothing can kill Me.

1058. No, no!

1059. We won, we won.

1060. It's Rover, Rover's back.

1061. He thought destroying the book would free the monsters.

1062. That wasn't the way it worked.

1063. Thank you for coming.

1064. Thank you.

1065. I had a, um, a, um, swell party.

1066. Have a nice clay.

1067. You too.

1068. We don't know who he is.

1069. Well, at least he's gone.

1070. Come here, boy.

1071. Good boy, Rover.

1072. Good boy.

1073. I think they've had enough of this house.

1074. I think so, too.

1075. It's time they lived happily ever after.

1076. And us, too?

1077. Of course, darling.