1. I'd better get a Kate
Spade bag this year.Copy !req
2. And none of that shopping-mall,
chain-store shit.Copy !req
3. Settle for nothing less
than Prada, girls.Copy !req
4. Gwen! Don't be telling
my kids that.Copy !req
5. I'm trying to teach
them some values.Copy !req
6. You're getting Kate Spade.Copy !req
7. Hey.Copy !req
8. What does Gwenie want
from big ol' Santa?Copy !req
9. Just a faithful husband.Copy !req
10. What's the second
thing she wants?Copy !req
11. You know what I'm
thinking, angel?Copy !req
12. - What, darling?
- I was thinking,Copy !req
13. "Dear God,Copy !req
14. don't let this bird taste like
a shoe like it did last year.Copy !req
15. Let it be tender and
moist just for once."Copy !req
16. Yeah, moist. That
would be nice.Copy !req
17. It's called foreplay.Copy !req
18. I don't wanna screw the
bird. I wanna eat it.Copy !req
19. I swear to you she dehydrated
this turkey from Thanksgiving.Copy !req
20. Come here, Scribbles.Copy !req
21. You try it.Copy !req
22. Scribbles.Copy !req
23. One potato.Copy !req
24. - Ooh, Virginia.
- Two potato.Copy !req
25. Oh, that's a good one.Copy !req
26. Three potato.Copy !req
27. Let's dig in.Copy !req
28. Listen, you half a fag!Copy !req
29. I'll stick this
fork in your eye!Copy !req
30. Why don't you beg Santa
for a pair of balls?Copy !req
31. Beth, say grace.Copy !req
32. Dear Lord,Copy !req
33. thank you for the bountiful food
that you've provided for us,Copy !req
34. and that our loving family can
be together this Christmas.Copy !req
35. Also, thank you for
not making us poorCopy !req
36. or Samoan.Copy !req
37. Thank you for Maxim
Pharmaceuticals,Copy !req
38. the latest M-Class,Copy !req
39. and let those that are less
fortunate work harder.Copy !req
40. Agh! Whoa!Copy !req
41. Oh my God! My stocking!Copy !req
42. Is that...Copy !req
43. Santa?Copy !req
44. Yes, Virginia, there
is a Santa Claus.Copy !req
45. Whoa!Copy !req
46. Daddy!Copy !req
47. Who are you? What
are you doing?Copy !req
48. You want some?Copy !req
49. Help!Copy !req
50. No, Santa! No!Copy !req
51. I've been good!Copy !req
52. What the hell is in
the Holiday Hoagie?Copy !req
53. - Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo.
- What? Slow down!Copy !req
54. And stop smacking on
that damn chewing gum!Copy !req
55. Yeah, uh...Copy !req
56. turkey, Raisinettes,
Cheerios, cranberries,Copy !req
57. gummy bears, Altoids...Copy !req
58. Oh, you're being cute,
you little shit.Copy !req
59. Just give me the roast beef
plain, none of that lean crap.Copy !req
60. You're just as loony as
your crackpot grandfather.Copy !req
61. I hope you haven't inherited that old
codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.Copy !req
62. Tell that boob to put some
Christmas decorations up.Copy !req
63. How're you doing there,
Mrs. Talbot? How are you?Copy !req
64. That's a roast beef
sandwich. That's $4.75.Copy !req
65. - That's with a senior discount?
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
66. What a hustle!Copy !req
67. Would $4.50 make
you any happier?Copy !req
68. $4.50.Copy !req
69. All right.Copy !req
70. Here you go.Copy !req
71. And have a very happy holiday
there, Mrs. Talbot...Copy !req
72. Don't use that political
language shit with me.Copy !req
73. It's Christmas. Wish
me merry Christmas.Copy !req
74. I'm sorry. Merry
Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.Copy !req
75. Thank you, and go fuck yourself.Copy !req
76. What a fuckin' whore!Copy !req
77. What a pleasant lady.Copy !req
78. Move, bitch!Copy !req
79. Get outta the way!Copy !req
80. Suck it!Copy !req
81. Woo haa haa haa
haar haa haa haarCopy !req
82. What you gonna do tonight, you having
Christmas dinner with your grandfather?Copy !req
83. My grandfather isn't a big Christmas guy.
Besides I haven't even seen much of him lately.Copy !req
84. How about you?Copy !req
85. I don't know maybe I'll go over to the twins house for there
annual Look at all the designer presents we got fashion show.Copy !req
86. Unless you know of
anything better.Copy !req
87. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!Copy !req
88. I got you two a little something
to show my appreciationCopy !req
89. for how hard you two work here.Copy !req
90. - Thank you so very much, Mr. Green.
- This is for you, this is for you.Copy !req
91. You're so very
welcome. Open it up.Copy !req
92. Open it, open it, open it!Copy !req
93. - Thank you so much for the snow globe.
- Ha Ha Ha.Copy !req
94. - That's okay.
- Wisconsin?Copy !req
95. Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful
rolling farmlands, see?Copy !req
96. I know how much
of a kick you gotCopy !req
97. out of the Delaware globe I
got you last year, so...Copy !req
98. And what did you get?Copy !req
99. A clock. Thank you.Copy !req
100. It's not just a clock. This
is a Games lllustrated Clock.Copy !req
101. You can tell the time in
all the 25 time zones.Copy !req
102. Look, in Mexico City,Copy !req
103. you got Frankfurt,
you got New Delhi,Copy !req
104. Hartford... a place
called Rik-a-vikia.Copy !req
105. I don't know where that is, but
you can tell the time there.Copy !req
106. That's wonderful and great.
Thanks so much, Mr. Green.Copy !req
107. Go ahead, get outta here. It's
Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.Copy !req
108. - Here, I got it.
- Thank you.Copy !req
109. - Bye-bye.
- Hey Mac, is this yours?Copy !req
110. Mark my words, Nicholas,
you will never get me.Copy !req
111. Thank you, Mr. Green.Copy !req
112. - Merry Chanukah.
- Yeah. Happy Christmas to you too.Copy !req
113. Man, it's cold!Copy !req
114. Do you want a lift home?Copy !req
115. Thank you! No.Copy !req
116. How about now?Copy !req
117. No I'm cool.Copy !req
118. NowCopy !req
119. You've got it tuned
to the Great One!Copy !req
120. 99 FM... Hell's best
hip-hop station.!Copy !req
121. 99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls
for cold, cold, cold temperatures,Copy !req
122. so throw another Yule
log on the fire.Copy !req
123. Near freezing in Hell and pretty
much the same can be expectedCopy !req
124. for those of you planning on
rocking out with Hell's Bells...Copy !req
125. You don't care too much
for Christmas, do you?Copy !req
126. - I've never had much reason to.
- Why?Copy !req
127. I don't know. It's
always disappointing.Copy !req
128. Like I'd want an Optimus
Prime or Castle Grayskull,Copy !req
129. and I'd always end up with a stupid
mini-bake oven or something.Copy !req
130. Grandpa.Copy !req
131. Grandpa, are you home?Copy !req
132. It's Christmas eve so that
can mean only one thing!Copy !req
133. The granddaddy of all the
pre-Christmas balls.Copy !req
134. We have an excellent mach
up for you this eveningCopy !req
135. The fighting insurance salesmen of
south-west North Dakota state University.Copy !req
136. Versus the lowering
state golden shower.Copy !req
137. Its been seven years Karl since the insurance
salesman have had a taste of the golden showers.Copy !req
138. And the key to that mach
up Bill and all the...Copy !req
139. Grandpa?Copy !req
140. Grandpa, is that you?Copy !req
141. - Agh!
- Whoa!Copy !req
142. Doggone it, Nick!Copy !req
143. That's the second box of
bulbs I've dropped tonight.Copy !req
144. What in the hell are you doing?
Why didn't you answer me?Copy !req
145. Don't be throwing the word "hell"
around all willy nilly like that.Copy !req
146. I live in Hell, for
Christ's sake.Copy !req
147. True.Copy !req
148. That's way you dare not use the
Lord's name so indiscriminately.Copy !req
149. One of the lights in
the bunker went out.Copy !req
150. I flipped the switch. You
know, I couldn't rememberCopy !req
151. whether it was on
or off position.Copy !req
152. And so I had to turn the power off
just to change the light bulb.Copy !req
153. Bunker? What are
you talking about?Copy !req
154. Aw, are you kidding me?Copy !req
155. You're not on another one of your
wacko inventing binges, are you?Copy !req
156. Is this why I haven't seen you
for the last couple of days?Copy !req
157. Yeah, I've been busy.Copy !req
158. Nicky come here come here come
here, you got to see my latest!Copy !req
159. Here put this one on first.Copy !req
160. Here you go and then this one.Copy !req
161. Alright There you are then this goes
up and hoo, then you'll need these.Copy !req
162. Chipmunks?Copy !req
163. Oh I left it on 78Copy !req
164. Robert GulayCopy !req
165. Can you put the
Chipmunks back on?Copy !req
166. What exactly am I wearing, I
mean why is this thing so heavy?Copy !req
167. Well I was gonna
call it Record Man!Copy !req
168. But then that seemed so generic, so I
took a page from you Mr Batfarmer.Copy !req
169. I'm gonna call it the Back
Wax Pack. What do you think?Copy !req
170. That name sounds like a problem most
people don't want. I'd shelve it.Copy !req
171. Maybe if it was more compact!Copy !req
172. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
173. Uh, be careful there.
That's a nutcracker.Copy !req
174. I can see that. It just seems
a little Christmassy for you.Copy !req
175. Do you know that the chestnut can
explode if you don't puncture the skinCopy !req
176. - Before it's heated?
- That's fascinating, Grandpa.Copy !req
177. I told you to be careful!Copy !req
178. You could have put your eye out!Copy !req
179. There appears to be a design flaw
that needs to be worked out.Copy !req
180. File that next to brown-colored
toilet paper as a bad idea.Copy !req
181. Now what about that bunker?Copy !req
182. Watch your noodle there.Copy !req
183. Um...Copy !req
184. Grandpa, I... l...Copy !req
185. Any desire to explain?Copy !req
186. I mean, sometimes I think I'm
the only person in this townCopy !req
187. that doesn't believe you're
completely nuts and...Copy !req
188. uh, frankly,Copy !req
189. my belief is dwindling.Copy !req
190. Let them think
whatever they want to.Copy !req
191. This is about survival.
I know what they say.Copy !req
192. I've been hearing
it most of my life,Copy !req
193. but I'd rather be crazy and
alive than ignorant and dead.Copy !req
194. What up, Santa bitch?Copy !req
195. How much Christmas cheer
you got in the pot?Copy !req
196. Is an angel getting his wings Daddy?Copy !req
197. Grandpa!Copy !req
198. Why does Christmas always seem
to bring out the worst in you?Copy !req
199. I mean there are a lot of people that actually
look forward to it, year in year out.Copy !req
200. I mean some people
even celebrate it. And...Copy !req
201. and some families even hold
a gift ceremony and exchange presents.Copy !req
202. Is that what all this whining
like a little ninny is about!Copy !req
203. OK, OK, here here here, take this.Copy !req
204. The only worthwhile gift
is a practical one.Copy !req
205. I... I can't remember the last
time you gave me a gift.Copy !req
206. What are you talking about I gave you
a Lite Brite for your Birthday.Copy !req
207. Yeah, that was like 12 years ago.Copy !req
208. Exactly and when was the last
time you used it... Haa HaCopy !req
209. I just... I don't understandCopy !req
210. What do you have
against Christmas?Copy !req
211. I'm afraid I don't
know what you meanCopy !req
212. Grandpa, I used to think it was because
you were grumpy and a little senile,Copy !req
213. but Mrs. Talbot said you've
always hated Christmas.Copy !req
214. The heck with that old hag!Copy !req
215. I don't see any reason
to commercialize Santa.Copy !req
216. Besides, he hasn't always been that
loveable poster boy for Coca-Cola.Copy !req
217. Oops.Copy !req
218. Sorry.Copy !req
219. Why? What for?Copy !req
220. Oh God!Copy !req
221. - You didn't.
- I said I was sorry.Copy !req
222. Grandpa, I want the
truth about Christmas.Copy !req
223. And no, I'm not asking you to tell
me that Santa Claus isn't real.Copy !req
224. I'm a little too old
for that discussion.Copy !req
225. I'd just be a little careful of
what I ask Santa for this year.Copy !req
226. What, are we Jewish
or something?Copy !req
227. Okay.Copy !req
228. Come on, follow me.Copy !req
229. You're full of
surprises tonight.Copy !req
230. Oh!Copy !req
231. For a lifetime of service?Copy !req
232. Grandpa, I had no idea you
were in the military.Copy !req
233. I wasn't.Copy !req
234. What the hell's that?
The Necronomicon?Copy !req
235. If it's the truth you want,Copy !req
236. then it's the scary truth
you're gonna have. Sit down.Copy !req
237. This is the Book of Klaus.Copy !req
238. Been in the possession of our
family for countless generations.Copy !req
239. What does it say?Copy !req
240. English, Gramp.Copy !req
241. "In the history of man..."Copy !req
242. I don't know why you're afraid
to use your Norse, Nicky.Copy !req
243. If you don't practice it, you'll never
be able to speak it or read it.Copy !req
244. "In the history of man, there have
been only two immaculate conceptions,Copy !req
245. the first being God and the Virgin Mary
and the birth of their son, Jesus.Copy !req
246. The second was Satan
with the Virgin ErickaCopy !req
247. and the birth of
their son, Santa.Copy !req
248. On the anniversary of his birth,Copy !req
249. there were always a great number
of unexplained deaths and murders.Copy !req
250. This day became known
as the Dag of MordCopy !req
251. or the Day of Slayings.Copy !req
252. Eventually, Christianity spread
and when the Dag of Mord arrived,Copy !req
253. the townspeople would have a
Mass of Christ or a Christ-Mass,Copy !req
254. where they would pray to
their Lord for protection.Copy !req
255. In the beginning of
the 11th century,Copy !req
256. one of God's angels
took the form of a man.Copy !req
257. Carolers... I don't want
them singing around here.Copy !req
258. Mary. Nicky, your friend, Mary.Copy !req
259. Come in, come in,
come in, my dear.Copy !req
260. Hi.Copy !req
261. I hope you like wolverine.Copy !req
262. My dad shot it this morning,Copy !req
263. you know, with his
Ammo for Animals club.Copy !req
264. It's so fresh, you can
almost smell its breath.Copy !req
265. Well, thank you.Copy !req
266. I didn't realize I
hadn't eaten a thingCopy !req
267. until just now.Copy !req
268. I don't believe I've ever
had wolverine before.Copy !req
269. Oh, well it looks delicious.Copy !req
270. I just hope it's
not wicked cold.Copy !req
271. What are you doing here?Copy !req
272. Just trying to spread
some holiday cheer.Copy !req
273. - What's this?
- How about you just open it?Copy !req
274. You got me a gun?Copy !req
275. I don't mean to sound ungrateful,
but what, are you fucking retarded?Copy !req
276. No, you jack-off.Copy !req
277. It's more than meets the eye.Copy !req
278. You said you always wanted one.Copy !req
279. I'm as happy as a
Make-a-Wish kid.Copy !req
280. Thanks where did you find it?Copy !req
281. Ah it was in our
basement collecting dustCopy !req
282. You know my Dad, Mr NRA couldn't wait to replace
the crayons in our little hands with guns.Copy !req
283. And when my brother Shaun asked Santa for a Western
Bendall practicaly sucked the life out of him.Copy !req
284. I still don't know how they're so shocked when he came
out, I mean hello he works in the fragrance department.Copy !req
285. Anyway thanks.Copy !req
286. So err what you up to tonight?Copy !req
287. There are some people
who don't believeCopy !req
288. in the spirit of Christmas,
oh, no they don't.Copy !req
289. There are some people who don't believe
Christmas should exist at all,Copy !req
290. that it's become too
commercial, yes, they do.Copy !req
291. There are some people
who don't believeCopy !req
292. in the spirit of Christmas
giving, no, no they don't.Copy !req
293. And there are even some peopleCopy !req
294. who think that charityCopy !req
295. is for the lazy.Copy !req
296. Oh, my friends, charity
is not for the lazy.Copy !req
297. Charity is for the needy.Copy !req
298. Dig deep into your hearts
and deep into your pockets.Copy !req
299. Give them your money and
don't give them coins.Copy !req
300. I see a lot of coins
in that plate.Copy !req
301. Give them bills. Give
the needy bills.Copy !req
302. Show them that you have the
true spirit of ChristmasCopy !req
303. in your hearts, and that
you're ready to show it.Copy !req
304. Let us pray.Copy !req
305. It depends on how
much I get done.Copy !req
306. I'm still at work, okay?
Yeah, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
307. Yeah. Oh, no, no, of course I
know what day it is tomorrow.Copy !req
308. Yes. Well, choir
ran a little late.Copy !req
309. Okay, fine. Love
you, honey. Bye.Copy !req
310. So, how's it tonight, Tim.Copy !req
311. You'll get plenty of attention
tonight. Really dead.Copy !req
312. Christmas Eve.Copy !req
313. Well, a little something
for your stocking.Copy !req
314. You weren't even here, Pastor.Copy !req
315. Oh yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
316. - Hey.
- Nice tits.Copy !req
317. Whoa.Copy !req
318. Whoa!Copy !req
319. Where do you think
you're going, fat boy?Copy !req
320. I thought I'd stuff
some stockings.Copy !req
321. I don't think so.Copy !req
322. Look what just slid down the
chimney. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
323. So anyway, I was talking about,
you know, the gift that keeps on giving.Copy !req
324. That's what Christmas
is all about.Copy !req
325. Ho, ho, hos.Copy !req
326. Time to go.Copy !req
327. You guys, get back.Copy !req
328. Naughty.Copy !req
329. We're having quite a night here
at the 43rd annual Christmas EveCopy !req
330. Smash 'Em and Crash 'Em Derby.Copy !req
331. Now that was the number
five car going out there.Copy !req
332. That's Jacoby. He's done
for the night, I think.Copy !req
333. Well, if I don't get to bed
and get my beauty sleep,Copy !req
334. I'll probably wind up
looking like one of you.Copy !req
335. - Good night, Grandpa.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
336. Now, there's a big hit right there.
Jody Boyd has backed right into...Copy !req
337. I'm sorry. I forgot.Copy !req
338. It's fine.Copy !req
339. You think he's
bananas, don't you?Copy !req
340. No no, not bananas.Copy !req
341. A little odd, but...Copy !req
342. not bananas.Copy !req
343. A little odd?Copy !req
344. You wanna talk about
a little odd?Copy !req
345. Odd is being a member of the
Rifle of the Month Club.Copy !req
346. Odd is when all the available wall
space in your house is coveredCopy !req
347. with the head of an
endangered or extinct animal.Copy !req
348. Odd is someone's father I know.Copy !req
349. I'm sorry, Nicholas.Copy !req
350. I'm sorry I even came
over here tonight.Copy !req
351. Just backed right into him, oh!Copy !req
352. Yeah, you got my number.Copy !req
353. Call me when you're ready for
a more mature relationship.Copy !req
354. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
355. "The townspeople would
have a Mass of Christ,Copy !req
356. or a Christ Mass,Copy !req
357. where they would pray
to their Lord..."Copy !req
358. God, Grandpa.Copy !req
359. Lord save us...Copy !req
360. "Hearing their call,Copy !req
361. God sent down one of his angel
generals from the heavens.Copy !req
362. The angel took the
form of an old man.Copy !req
363. He encountered the young, ill-tempered
Santa not far from his home.Copy !req
364. Santa was ice fishing with
the ornery little people,Copy !req
365. the elves, on a frozen lake.Copy !req
366. Help, please Santa, help.
Help, I don't wanna...Copy !req
367. Knowing the son of Satan
was a gambling sort,Copy !req
368. the angel challenged
him to a contest.Copy !req
369. The contest was a simple one:Copy !req
370. Who could slide a
rock across the lakeCopy !req
371. and land it closest to
the ice fishing holeCopy !req
372. without the rock falling in.Copy !req
373. If Santa won the contest, he would
deliver the confident old manCopy !req
374. to his father for an eternity
of pain and suffering.Copy !req
375. If the old man won the contest,Copy !req
376. Santa would not
only have to ceaseCopy !req
377. the Day of Slayings for
the next 1,000 years,Copy !req
378. but would also have to turn the
Dag of Mord, Day of Slayings,Copy !req
379. into a Dag of Glee, Day of Joy.Copy !req
380. Santa thought this was as close
to a sure wager as could be.Copy !req
381. There was no way a mere
mortal was gonna be ableCopy !req
382. to defeat him at anything.Copy !req
383. Santa was so sure of himself
that he went first.Copy !req
384. Woo hoo! Yay, Santa. Go!Copy !req
385. His rock landed as close
as it could possibly beCopy !req
386. to the hole without going in it.Copy !req
387. Next was the old man's turn.Copy !req
388. - The old man's rock...
- No, no, no!Copy !req
389. Skidded slowly along.Copy !req
390. Oh no!Copy !req
391. And it came to rest
touching Santa's rockCopy !req
392. with just enough momentum to push
Santa's stone over into the hole.Copy !req
393. The old man had won."Copy !req
394. Shit. That was exactly
1,000 years ago.Copy !req
395. The bet's over.Copy !req
396. Hooyaa!Copy !req
397. Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
398. He's nuts.Copy !req
399. Angels, I think Santa has
left you some surprises.Copy !req
400. I can't wait to see
the shit we got.Copy !req
401. Can we open our
motherfucking presents nowCopy !req
402. - Of course.
- Go ahead, kids.Copy !req
403. Let's see what Santa got you.Copy !req
404. Fuck.Copy !req
405. And finally, a moment of silenceCopy !req
406. for the victims of that tragic
fire that took place last nightCopy !req
407. at the community eye
sore, Gold Diggers.Copy !req
408. The house of heathens.Copy !req
409. While these people are
undeniably moral sinners,Copy !req
410. they are nonetheless members
of this community...Copy !req
411. and therefore deserve
our condolences.Copy !req
412. So pray with me, if you
will, for the salvationCopy !req
413. of Crystal Candy...Copy !req
414. Sierra Rains...Copy !req
415. Dixie Wrecked,Copy !req
416. Tess Tickler...Copy !req
417. We're closed.Copy !req
418. Sorry, Santa. We're closed.Copy !req
419. It's Christmas. You should
know that better than anybody.Copy !req
420. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
421. You wanna eat? Thai Chung
across the street.Copy !req
422. A very nice brunch buffet.Copy !req
423. Schmuck.Copy !req
424. You've come to the
wrong deli, fatso.Copy !req
425. Here's some stocking stuffers,Copy !req
426. you just wrecked the store.Copy !req
427. Piece of shit!Copy !req
428. Oy.Copy !req
429. Hi, Nicholas.Copy !req
430. Hey.Copy !req
431. What's up?Copy !req
432. Do you have any gum?Copy !req
433. We're all out. The driver that was
supposed to make the deliveryCopy !req
434. got his butt fried on a stripper
pole over at Gold Diggers.Copy !req
435. Heard it on the police scanner.Copy !req
436. Yikes, that's below average.Copy !req
437. This is all we got left.Copy !req
438. Hmm, I've never heard
of Smokin' Gum.Copy !req
439. What the hell, sounds hot.Copy !req
440. Cool. It's $2.39.Copy !req
441. Out of a five?Copy !req
442. You know, for such a small town,Copy !req
443. I've never seen you before.Copy !req
444. Just moved here, homeboy.Copy !req
445. Too much damn violence
in the 'hood.Copy !req
446. Car two, when you have a chance,
can you go to 313 Main.Copy !req
447. There's been a report
of some vandalism.Copy !req
448. - Oh, you betcha.
- That's Heaven Scent.Copy !req
449. Hey.Copy !req
450. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
451. Nicholas.Copy !req
452. There is a Santa Claus.Copy !req
453. I thought you people didn't
even believe in him.Copy !req
454. You...Copy !req
455. No, no.Copy !req
456. No.Copy !req
457. All right, hold it right there.Copy !req
458. - All right, what are your names?
- Rabinowitz.Copy !req
459. Rabinowitz... Rabin...Copy !req
460. - All right, what about you?
- Shlomo Lipschitz.Copy !req
461. Shlomo? Like the
replay or what?Copy !req
462. What in the hell
do we have here?Copy !req
463. Oh.Copy !req
464. Looks like someone punched out
Mr. Green's festival of lights.Copy !req
465. Hey, Shlomo there says he
saw someone in a Santa suitCopy !req
466. - outside the store.
- A Santa suit?Copy !req
467. - Is that what he said. Are you sure?
- Okay.Copy !req
468. Something just
isn't kosher here.Copy !req
469. We're taking you down to the
station for a little questioning.Copy !req
470. Potts, grab that Amish
group outside, too.Copy !req
471. Come on, kid.Copy !req
472. All right, watch your
head there, Yitzkak.Copy !req
473. - Hello, is Mary there?
- Yeah, hold on.Copy !req
474. - Hello
- Mac.Copy !req
475. - Hey, did you hear about Heaven Scent?
- I know, I was there.Copy !req
476. - What? Where are you now?
- I'm at the police station.Copy !req
477. I've gotta talk to you.
Can you come pick me up?Copy !req
478. - Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Okay, thanks.Copy !req
479. Yuleson. Nicholas Yuleson?Copy !req
480. Captain Caulk will see you now.Copy !req
481. Do you work for Cock or Bush?Copy !req
482. Never worked for Bush only Caulk.Copy !req
483. So you like Cock huh?Copy !req
484. Caulk's terrific.Copy !req
485. So your not a fan of BushCopy !req
486. I wouldn't say I don't like
Bush I just prefer Caulk.Copy !req
487. Cock can be a real pain
in your ass though right.Copy !req
488. Yeah, sometimes.Copy !req
489. Nick send the Yulson kid in.Copy !req
490. Weenus...Copy !req
491. I heard that!Copy !req
492. Don ye now your gay apparel.Copy !req
493. We got an eye-witness account
that a man dressed as Santa ClausCopy !req
494. was seen leaving the store about the
same time you said you arrived.Copy !req
495. Captain, this might be something
that predates all of us.Copy !req
496. Santa Claus is not a
myth or a legend.Copy !req
497. He's real, only he's not bearing
gifts and presents anymore.Copy !req
498. Son, are you saying SantaCopy !req
499. is offing everyone who's
naughty and nice?Copy !req
500. That's exactly what I'm
saying, Captain. Look...Copy !req
501. - Here.
- Gee, Nicholas, that's a swell clock,Copy !req
502. but why should I give a damn what
time is is in "Green-wich?"Copy !req
503. I figure that we have until about 7
p.m. That'd be midnight at the Pole.Copy !req
504. The North Pole's time zone is the
same as the Greenwich Mean Time.Copy !req
505. 7:00 is when all the
madness should end.Copy !req
506. Christmas would be
officially over for Santa.Copy !req
507. Maybe.Copy !req
508. Well, thanks for the
lesson there, sport,Copy !req
509. but I already know
how to tell time.Copy !req
510. Now, I don't wanna hear
any more about Santa.Copy !req
511. Captain, my
grandfather thinks...Copy !req
512. Oh, the grandfather! That's
all I needed to hear.Copy !req
513. - Please, just listen!
- You're as big a nut as he is.Copy !req
514. Thank you for completely
wasting my fucking time!Copy !req
515. I know it sounds crazy, but
you have to believe me.Copy !req
516. Leave now, and I won't
have you committedCopy !req
517. - to the farm at Northville.
- Just wait, all right?Copy !req
518. Fine! You've been warned.Copy !req
519. Looks like the killings form...Copy !req
520. form the shape of
a Christmas tree.Copy !req
521. Maybe his next killingCopy !req
522. will be right here.Copy !req
523. You know, like the
star on the tree.Copy !req
524. Yeah, the Christmas Tree Killer.Copy !req
525. I don't know. No,
no, looks like moreCopy !req
526. like an irregular
polygon, you know.Copy !req
527. It's a geometrical
enclosed shape.Copy !req
528. You see, it's a closed figureCopy !req
529. made up of adjoining
line segments.Copy !req
530. Mac, there's some
crazy shit going on,Copy !req
531. and Mr. Green's death
is just the beginning.Copy !req
532. - What do you mean?
- We have to get to my houseCopy !req
533. and find my grandpa.Copy !req
534. Come in!Copy !req
535. This better be good.Copy !req
536. - Ho ho ho!
- Oh no!Copy !req
537. Because of everything that's happening
and the Book of Klaus, I no longer thinkCopy !req
538. that my grandpa's crazy. He might be
the only sane person in this town.Copy !req
539. According to this,
everything should be overCopy !req
540. in a little more
than... four hours.Copy !req
541. What is it with you and Caulk?Copy !req
542. How ridiculous! He sucks.Copy !req
543. Caulk?Copy !req
544. That's not Captain Caulk.Copy !req
545. Its Santa!Copy !req
546. We gotta get out of
here now! Floor it!Copy !req
547. Okay, under the seat!
Get my father's gun!Copy !req
548. He's gone!Copy !req
549. Oh my God!Copy !req
550. - Bullets! There's no bullets!
- Where is he Where is he?Copy !req
551. - What the hell are you doing?
- Trying to make it harder.Copy !req
552. Yeah? For him or me?Copy !req
553. - Now what?
- Here.Copy !req
554. - Unlock the barrel.
- Huh?Copy !req
555. Just break it open!Copy !req
556. Put the shell into the breech.Copy !req
557. Put the bullet in the hole!Copy !req
558. - "Top Gun"!
- What?Copy !req
559. Slam on the brakes and
let him fly right by.Copy !req
560. Now step on it!Copy !req
561. Damn it!Copy !req
562. Here, hold this.Copy !req
563. Let's go!Copy !req
564. Come on, hurry up.Copy !req
565. Grandpa! Grandpa!Copy !req
566. Mr. Yuleson! Mr. Yuleson!Copy !req
567. Grandpa! Basement,
he's in the basement.Copy !req
568. The Day of Slayings. You
were right, Grandpa.Copy !req
569. - I'm so sorry I doubted you.
- Were the two of you followed here?Copy !req
570. Kids, did Santa Claus
follow you here?Copy !req
571. He tried to pull us overCopy !req
572. and... and Nicholas shot him!Copy !req
573. You shot Santa?Copy !req
574. - What is this place?
- How much time to we have, Grandpa?Copy !req
575. Uh, it'll be
midnight at the PoleCopy !req
576. in three hours and
eight minutes.Copy !req
577. If Santa followed you here,
we're all in great danger.Copy !req
578. I've built this as a
shelter, not a fortress.Copy !req
579. What are those
people doing here?Copy !req
580. - Who carols?
- Especially during the day.Copy !req
581. - I'm gonna go warn them.
- Mary, wait. Nicky...Copy !req
582. I'll go get her.Copy !req
583. Excuse me.Copy !req
584. Downstairs!Copy !req
585. Come on, we have to
get out of here now!Copy !req
586. We're trapped in a
closet on ChristmasCopy !req
587. with Santa trying to murder
us. How fucked up is that?Copy !req
588. Watch your language Nicky.Copy !req
589. Oh your biggest concern
right now is the word fuck?Copy !req
590. I gave this to Shaun
Mackenzie in 87... pfff, queer.Copy !req
591. - What are we gonna do?
- Mary, be a dearCopy !req
592. and fetch me that can
of Tinactin there.Copy !req
593. Oh, genius, we'll use some Tough
Actin' Tinactin on Santa.Copy !req
594. What are the chances of
calming Claus down when weCopy !req
595. - cure him of his athlete's foot?
- Mary, please.Copy !req
596. Okay, you're crazy again.Copy !req
597. - Here.
- What do these do?Copy !req
598. These are gonna do us a
lot of good in here.Copy !req
599. Besides, how are we even
gonna get to the garage?Copy !req
600. Have faith, Nicky,
and follow me.Copy !req
601. Nicholas, I'm scared.Copy !req
602. I know. You're doing a
good job of faking it.Copy !req
603. We only have to make it in
another 2.5 more hours.Copy !req
604. - Then we should be okay.
- I'm still scared.Copy !req
605. Voilà.Copy !req
606. We'll head towards the Hell's Bells
and alert everybody we can find.Copy !req
607. Now, fire up these bad babiesCopy !req
608. and let's get out of here.Copy !req
609. You've really let
yourself go, haven't ya?Copy !req
610. What are you packing around
there? An extra two bills I bet.Copy !req
611. Mrs. Claus, she's
one hell of a cook.Copy !req
612. Not much of a
hairdresser, though.Copy !req
613. Oh, I've waited a long
time for this day.Copy !req
614. Not half as long as I have.Copy !req
615. Unfortunately, your time
is about to expire.Copy !req
616. So you're done spreading joyCopy !req
617. and warming the hearts
of children everywhere?Copy !req
618. I hate children!
For centuries,Copy !req
619. I've received millions
of their letters,Copy !req
620. and now I'm free to hunt downCopy !req
621. every last one of those brats.Copy !req
622. Such a long time and
nothing learned.Copy !req
623. Enough! There's only one thingCopy !req
624. that can make this Dag
of Mort complete.Copy !req
625. - Nicky, go!
- I won't leave you. Get on!Copy !req
626. Grandpa!Copy !req
627. No!Copy !req
628. Aww, grandpa got run
over by a reindeer.Copy !req
629. Get on!Copy !req
630. Up there, up there!Copy !req
631. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
632. - You got to get out of the open.
- Really?Copy !req
633. The woods! Head for the woods.Copy !req
634. Aaah!Copy !req
635. Yeah, we got to get
out of the woods.Copy !req
636. You think?Copy !req
637. Aah!Copy !req
638. Hold on!Copy !req
639. Next time, I'm driving!Copy !req
640. Next time?Copy !req
641. Pull!Copy !req
642. Oh my God!Copy !req
643. - Look out!
- Look out!Copy !req
644. - Sorry!
- Sorry!Copy !req
645. - Run away! Santa's on his way!
- What the...Copy !req
646. - Santa's coming. Get out of here!
- Run for your life!Copy !req
647. - Look out!
- Run for your life!Copy !req
648. - Save yourself!
- Damn kids!Copy !req
649. Minister!Copy !req
650. Sorry, okay, here we go.Copy !req
651. Ready and one and two
and three and...Copy !req
652. What the hell?Copy !req
653. - No!
- Look out, Harry!Copy !req
654. Move, you skanks!Copy !req
655. Holy shit!Copy !req
656. Nicholas, get off the sidewalk!Copy !req
657. Okay!Copy !req
658. Sweet Jesus!Copy !req
659. I see you've met my Hell Deer.Copy !req
660. What in God's name
are you doing?Copy !req
661. Why, I'm just trying to spread
a little Yuletide fear.Copy !req
662. What do we do now?Copy !req
663. We make ourselves scarce
and we hope and we prayCopy !req
664. that the "12 Days of
Christmas" song is bullshit.Copy !req
665. We got to go now!Copy !req
666. Oh.Copy !req
667. Think you better find something
else there, Superman.Copy !req
668. Great, he'll never find us now.Copy !req
669. Okay, shut your hole and
help me through this window.Copy !req
670. All right... you're going
to need to suck it in.Copy !req
671. You're going to need
to push from the top.Copy !req
672. I swear to God, Nicholas!
Am I going to have to makeCopy !req
673. every first move in
this relationship.Copy !req
674. - How much time do we have?
- The clock's in my backpack.Copy !req
675. - What's this?
- It's a nutcracker.Copy !req
676. - You think?
- Don't pull that!Copy !req
677. My grandpa must have
slipped it in there.Copy !req
678. It was the last thing
he was working on.Copy !req
679. Look, there's a tag on it.Copy !req
680. A Christmas present?Copy !req
681. The only worth-while gift
is a practical one.Copy !req
682. He loved you a lot.Copy !req
683. 58 minutes, that's it.Copy !req
684. So what's the plan?
Just hide out and waitCopy !req
685. for Christmas to pass?
He'll be here soon.Copy !req
686. He's just going to keep killing.
We have to try and stop him.Copy !req
687. I don't think he's unstoppable.Copy !req
688. You saw what happened on the
truck, when I shot him.Copy !req
689. We have two choices...
defense or offense.Copy !req
690. We can be defensive and
try and distract himCopy !req
691. until it's midnight when
he's powerless,Copy !req
692. or we can go on the
offense and lead him backCopy !req
693. towards those skeet shooters and
finally put an end to Christmas.Copy !req
694. Let's take a swing.Copy !req
695. Let's get out of here.
This time we use the door.Copy !req
696. - Shit, it's out again.
- Well keep hitting it.Copy !req
697. It's cashed.Copy !req
698. You call this a practical gift?Copy !req
699. A practical gift
would be batteries.Copy !req
700. Yeah, that's really
helpful right now, Mac.Copy !req
701. - That was you, right?
- Mm-mmm.Copy !req
702. Who's your daddy?Copy !req
703. Father Christmas.Copy !req
704. Come on let's go!Copy !req
705. - Where to?
- Anywhere!Copy !req
706. Forget about earlier. Let's go with
the defensive chickenshit plan.Copy !req
707. - Maybe we should split up!
- How cliché of you!Copy !req
708. Oh hell no!Copy !req
709. Let's just hide.Copy !req
710. Sssh.Copy !req
711. Not a creature is stirring?Copy !req
712. Christmas can sure scare
the Dickens out of people.Copy !req
713. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
714. Goddamn it, that really hurt!Copy !req
715. Quit using the Lord's
name in vain, A-hole.Copy !req
716. You sound just like my grandpa,Copy !req
717. except for the A-hole part.Copy !req
718. - Whoa!
- Aaaah!Copy !req
719. You okay, Nicholas?Copy !req
720. My head hurts.Copy !req
721. Oh, come over here,
you baby man.Copy !req
722. I still can't believe that we're being
hunted by Santa of all f-ing people.Copy !req
723. I thought he was
supposed to be jolly?Copy !req
724. Well maybe its the killing
that's making him so jovial.Copy !req
725. Sorry.Copy !req
726. Look we're going to
get through this.Copy !req
727. We'll be home safe soon.Copy !req
728. I just realized
that I have no one.Copy !req
729. I'm so sorry, Nicholas.Copy !req
730. You have me.Copy !req
731. Besides, I know your grandfather
will always be looking after you.Copy !req
732. But whatever happens, I'm
glad that I'm with you.Copy !req
733. I just love how the holidaysCopy !req
734. always seem to bring
people closer together.Copy !req
735. I'm Santa Claus! Not
fucking Dracula!Copy !req
736. Again, the foolish archangel,Copy !req
737. Hellsgate Yuleson.Copy !req
738. The only angel to give up his
immortality for an earthly woman.Copy !req
739. I'm beginning to feel a little
more like my old self again.Copy !req
740. Wicked, your
grandfather's an angel.Copy !req
741. I told you he'd look after you.Copy !req
742. I swear I'll never take the
Lord's name in vain again.Copy !req
743. You're forgiven, Nicholas.Copy !req
744. Sorry I couldn't have made you
death a more painful one.Copy !req
745. How did you know I'd find you?Copy !req
746. You said you'd go to
Hell and back to find meCopy !req
747. once the bet was over.Copy !req
748. So I moved to Hell Township.Copy !req
749. Is your grandfather
always so literal?Copy !req
750. I had to make sureCopy !req
751. you would honour our wager.Copy !req
752. It was easy to find you.Copy !req
753. "Dear Santa,Copy !req
754. I've been a good boy nearly
every day this year.Copy !req
755. I wanted to see you at the mall,Copy !req
756. but my grandfather finished
curling practice too late.Copy !req
757. I don't think he
really wanted to go,Copy !req
758. so I'm writing you this
letter to tell youCopy !req
759. what I would like for Christmas.Copy !req
760. Can I please have
a mini-bake oven?Copy !req
761. Sincerely, Nicholas Yuleson.Copy !req
762. 29 Meadowlark Lane.Copy !req
763. Hell Township."Copy !req
764. Let the boy go. It's
me you really want.Copy !req
765. On the contrary, I knew the boy
would lead me to you and he did.Copy !req
766. Now that he's the last
remaining Yuleson...Copy !req
767. Why don't we settle this, Claus?Copy !req
768. Care to redeem yourself?Copy !req
769. This time,Copy !req
770. I set the stakes.Copy !req
771. If I win, there's no
more Day of Slayings.Copy !req
772. It's back to being
good once and for all.Copy !req
773. - How 'bout it?
- When you lose,Copy !req
774. you will enter that hell holeCopy !req
775. and your soul will be
enslaved for all of eternity.Copy !req
776. - How about that?
- Grandpa!Copy !req
777. Nicky, just remember,Copy !req
778. the only worth-while giftsCopy !req
779. are practical ones.Copy !req
780. Go!Copy !req
781. Damn!Copy !req
782. I hope you enjoyed
your little furlough.Copy !req
783. Now, let's finish this.Copy !req
784. - Grandpa!
- Aaaaah!Copy !req
785. - Yes!
- Grandpa!Copy !req
786. Not to worry. You'll
be joining himCopy !req
787. soon enough.Copy !req
788. The clock just struck
midnight at the Pole.Copy !req
789. Christmas is officially
over for you, Santa.Copy !req
790. You know,Copy !req
791. most people make
the same mistake.Copy !req
792. The correct time at the Pole
is completely discretionaryCopy !req
793. because the Poles are
where all the time zonesCopy !req
794. actually converge.Copy !req
795. He's scary, yet educational.Copy !req
796. So, what I'm saying,Copy !req
797. nitwits,Copy !req
798. is that Christmas is overCopy !req
799. when I say it's over.Copy !req
800. Chest-nut.Copy !req
801. Hello?Copy !req
802. Let's turn up the heat!Copy !req
803. I'm roasting!Copy !req
804. Here, give me your
hand. I got you!Copy !req
805. Pull!Copy !req
806. Merry Christmas to all
and to all good night.Copy !req
807. Remember me?Copy !req
808. Come on! Pull, Mac!Copy !req
809. Get back in line!Copy !req
810. Ha!Copy !req
811. Honey, I had the most
terrible nightmare.Copy !req
812. Visions of sugarplums?Copy !req
813. So, is everyone okay?Copy !req
814. I'm fine, but I think you
have some explaining to do.Copy !req
815. Okay.Copy !req
816. My boy,Copy !req
817. I loved your grandmother
very, very much.Copy !req
818. What powers I had, I
lost all for her.Copy !req
819. I'm telling you, kids,
Santa's bluffing.Copy !req
820. He's powerless now.Copy !req
821. Let's go after him and put an
end to this once and for all.Copy !req
822. What do you say?Copy !req
823. - Okay,
- Yeah!Copy !req
824. We'll go.Copy !req
825. - Grandpa?
- I don't believe I can cross.Copy !req
826. I can't leave you,
Grandpa. Not again.Copy !req
827. I don't recall raising a Sally!Copy !req
828. Now go! I promiseCopy !req
829. I'll be around.Copy !req
830. Time to go on the offense.Copy !req
831. The bears eat salmon.Copy !req
832. They stand there all damn day and
wait for those fish to jump up.Copy !req
833. I wouldn't touch 'em though.Copy !req
834. That time of year, they
look like monsters.Copy !req
835. Their muzzles are all
disgusting and everything.Copy !req
836. Hey. Hey, there's that asshole
who blew by here earlier.Copy !req
837. And my baby sister.Copy !req
838. - Come on, we need your help.
- What?Copy !req
839. Come on, hurry up.Copy !req
840. How would you like to tell
everyone in your park...Copy !req
841. your block, that you have a
bird deer mounted on your wall?Copy !req
842. What do you mean?Copy !req
843. I'm sure half of you guys
have been dreaming about thisCopy !req
844. your entire lives.
Hunting a flying buck?Copy !req
845. And you know where one is?Copy !req
846. Just get ready. I'm going to
give the special bird deer call.Copy !req
847. The little prick was right.Copy !req
848. It's a reindeer.Copy !req
849. - Come on, man.
- Load up, load up.Copy !req
850. You're going downCopy !req
851. in history.Copy !req
852. Here. You can do it.Copy !req
853. - Oh!
- Yeah!Copy !req
854. - Ah!
- Oh!Copy !req
855. Whooo-hoooo!Copy !req
856. Daddy?Copy !req
857. Hi, sweetheart!Copy !req
858. Daddy, where did you
get that bazooka?Copy !req
859. Vinnie gave it to
me for Christmas.Copy !req
860. He'd been saving
up his llama loot.Copy !req
861. Isn't it great?Copy !req
862. It only cost me a lung.Copy !req
863. And your vocal chords.Copy !req
864. That sure looks
like Santa to me.Copy !req
865. I guess Christmas is over.
Santa's stuck on the North Pole.Copy !req
866. Mac!Copy !req
867. It's Pastor Timmons.Copy !req
868. Pastor Timmons is the
psycho Santa guy?Copy !req
869. What a scandal. I was
one of his alter boys.Copy !req
870. What?Copy !req
871. All right, everyone stand back.Copy !req
872. Things are about to
get a little messy.Copy !req
873. And make sure you
include in your reportCopy !req
874. that the light anti-tank
weapon is registered.Copy !req
875. - Thank you.
- Let's go bag the stag.Copy !req
876. Hey, Mary! You
want to come help?Copy !req
877. No, you have fun, Daddy.Copy !req
878. Why didn't you say anything?Copy !req
879. Christmas is over,Copy !req
880. Santa's gone. Why should
they live in fear?Copy !req
881. Maybe he's still out
there I don't know.Copy !req
882. I think my saga's
just beginning.Copy !req
883. Hey, I think your dad left this.Copy !req
884. He'll probably need it.Copy !req
885. I got you.Copy !req
886. Hey, and I got you.Copy !req
887. Yeah, but you hit like a girl.Copy !req
888. Yeah, well you kiss like a guy.Copy !req
889. So... Mr. Satan.Copy !req
890. Actually, that's "Shatan."Copy !req
891. Oh, like the hockey player.Copy !req
892. Well, we have youCopy !req
893. connecting in Winnipeg and...Copy !req
894. continuing on too...Copy !req
895. Borneo Airport, North Pole.Copy !req
896. That's correct.Copy !req
897. How many bags do you
have to check, sir?Copy !req
898. Just one.Copy !req
899. Has your... sackCopy !req
900. been out of your sight at all?Copy !req
901. Well, just have a seat.Copy !req
902. We'll board in 10 minutes.Copy !req
903. Can I help the next
person, please?Copy !req
904. Who's next?Copy !req