1. I'd better get a Kate
Spade bag this year.Copy !req
2. And none of that shopping-mall,
chain-store shit.Copy !req
3. Settle for nothing less
than Prada, girls.Copy !req
4. Gwen! Don't be telling
my kids that.Copy !req
5. I'm trying to teach
them some values.Copy !req
6. You're getting Kate Spade.Copy !req
7. Hey.Copy !req
8. What does Gwenie want
from big ol' Santa?Copy !req
9. Just a faithful husband.Copy !req
10. What's the second
thing she wants?Copy !req
11. You know what I'm
thinking, angel?Copy !req
12. - What, darling?
- I was thinking,Copy !req
13. "Dear God,"Copy !req
14. don't let this bird taste like
a shoe like it did last year.Copy !req
15. "Let it be tender and
moist just for once."Copy !req
16. Yeah, moist. That
would be nice.Copy !req
17. It's called "foreplay."Copy !req
18. I don't wanna screw the
bird. I wanna eat it.Copy !req
19. I swear to you she dehydrated
this turkey from Thanksgiving.Copy !req
20. Come here, Scribbles.Copy !req
21. You try it.Copy !req
22. Scribbles.Copy !req
23. One potato.Copy !req
24. - Ooh, Virginia.
- Two potato.Copy !req
25. Oh, that's a good one.Copy !req
26. Three potato.Copy !req
27. Let's dig in.Copy !req
28. Listen, you half a fag!Copy !req
29. I'll stick this fork in your eye!Copy !req
30. Why don't you beg Santa
for a pair of balls?Copy !req
31. Beth, say grace.Copy !req
32. Dear Lord,Copy !req
33. thank you for the bountiful food
that you've provided for us,Copy !req
34. and that our loving family can
be together this Christmas.Copy !req
35. Also, thank you for
not making us poorCopy !req
36. or Samoan.Copy !req
37. Thank you for Maxim
Pharmaceuticals,Copy !req
38. the latest M-Class,Copy !req
39. and let those that are less
fortunate work harder.Copy !req
40. Agh! Whoa!Copy !req
41. Oh my God! My stocking!Copy !req
42. Is that...Copy !req
43. Santa?Copy !req
44. Yes, Virginia, there
is a Santa Claus.Copy !req
45. Whoa!Copy !req
46. Daddy!Copy !req
47. Who are you? What
are you doing?Copy !req
48. You want some?Copy !req
49. Help!Copy !req
50. No, Santa! No!Copy !req
51. I've been good!Copy !req
52. What the hell is in
the Holiday Hoagie?Copy !req
53. - Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo.
- What? Slow down!Copy !req
54. And stop smacking on
that damn chewing gum!Copy !req
55. Yeah, uh...Copy !req
56. turkey, Raisinettes,
Cheerios, cranberries,Copy !req
57. gummy bears, Altoids...Copy !req
58. Oh, you're being cute,
you little shit.Copy !req
59. Just give me the roast beef
plain, none of that lean crap.Copy !req
60. You're just as loony as
your crackpot grandfather.Copy !req
61. I hope you haven't inherited that old
codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.Copy !req
62. Tell that boob to put some
Christmas decorations up.Copy !req
63. How're you doing there,
Mrs. Talbot? How are you?Copy !req
64. That's a roast beef
sandwich. That's $4.75.Copy !req
65. - That's with a senior discount?
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
66. What a hustle!Copy !req
67. Would $4.50 make
you any happier?Copy !req
68. $4.50.Copy !req
69. All right.Copy !req
70. Here you go.Copy !req
71. And have a very happy holiday
there, Mrs. Talbot...Copy !req
72. Don't use that political
language shit with me.Copy !req
73. It's Christmas. Wish
me merry Christmas.Copy !req
74. I'm sorry. Merry
Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.Copy !req
75. Thank you, and go fuck yourself.Copy !req
76. What a fuckin' whore!Copy !req
77. What a pleasant lady.Copy !req
78. Move, bitch!Copy !req
79. Get outta the way!Copy !req
80. Suck it!Copy !req
81. Woo haa haa haa haar haa haa haarCopy !req
82. What you gonna do tonight, you having
Christmas dinner with your grandfather?Copy !req
83. My grandfather isn't a big Christmas guy.
Besides I haven't even seen much of him lately.Copy !req
84. How about you?Copy !req
85. I don't know maybe I'll go over
to the twins house for thereCopy !req
86. annual Look at all the designer
presents we got fashion show.Copy !req
87. Unless you know of
anything better.Copy !req
88. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!Copy !req
89. I got you two a little something
to show my appreciationCopy !req
90. for how hard you two work here.Copy !req
91. - Thank you so very much, Mr. Green.
- This is for you, this is for you.Copy !req
92. You're so very
welcome. Open it up.Copy !req
93. Open it, open it, open it!Copy !req
94. - Thank you so much for the snow globe.
- Ha Ha Ha.Copy !req
95. - That's okay.
- Wisconsin?Copy !req
96. Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful
rolling farmlands, see?Copy !req
97. I know how much of a kick you gotCopy !req
98. out of the Delaware globe I
got you last year, so...Copy !req
99. And what did you get?Copy !req
100. A clock. Thank you.Copy !req
101. It's not just a clock. This
is a Games Illustrated Clock.Copy !req
102. You can tell the time in
all the 25 time zones.Copy !req
103. Look, in Mexico City,Copy !req
104. you got Frankfurt,
you got New Delhi,Copy !req
105. Hartford... a place
called Rik-a-vikia.Copy !req
106. I don't know where that is, but
you can tell the time there.Copy !req
107. That's wonderful and great.
Thanks so much, Mr. Green.Copy !req
108. Go ahead, get outta here. It's
Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.Copy !req
109. - Here, I got it.
- Thank you.Copy !req
110. - Bye-bye.
- Hey Mac, is this yours?Copy !req
111. Mark my words, Nicholas,
you will never get me.Copy !req
112. Thank you, Mr. Green.Copy !req
113. Do you want a lift home?Copy !req
114. Thank you! No.Copy !req
115. How about now?Copy !req
116. No I'm cool.Copy !req
117. NowCopy !req
118. You've got it tuned
to the Great One!Copy !req
119. 99 FM... Hell's best
hip-hop station!Copy !req
120. 99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls
for cold, cold, cold temperatures,Copy !req
121. so throw another Yule
log on the fire.Copy !req
122. Near freezing in Hell and pretty
much the same can be expectedCopy !req
123. for those of you planning on
rocking out with Hell's Bells...Copy !req
124. You don't care too much
for Christmas, do you?Copy !req
125. - I've never had much reason to.
- Why?Copy !req
126. I don't know. It's
always disappointing.Copy !req
127. Like I'd want an Optimus
Prime or Castle Grayskull,Copy !req
128. and I'd always end up with a stupid
mini-bake oven or something.Copy !req
129. Grandpa.Copy !req
130. Grandpa, are you home?Copy !req
131. It's Christmas eve so that
can mean only one thing!Copy !req
132. The granddaddy of all the
pre-Christmas balls.Copy !req
133. We have an excellent mach
up for you this eveningCopy !req
134. The fighting insurance salesmen of
south-west North Dakota state University.Copy !req
135. Versus the lowering
state golden shower.Copy !req
136. Its been seven years
Karl since the insuranceCopy !req
137. salesman have had a taste
of the golden showers.Copy !req
138. And the key to that mach
up Bill and all the...Copy !req
139. Grandpa?Copy !req
140. Grandpa, is that you?Copy !req
141. - Agh!
- Whoa!Copy !req
142. Doggone it, Nick!Copy !req
143. That's the second box of
bulbs I've dropped tonight.Copy !req
144. What in the hell are you doing?
Why didn't you answer me?Copy !req
145. Don't be throwing the word "hell"
around all willy nilly like that.Copy !req
146. I live in Hell, for
Christ's sake.Copy !req
147. True.Copy !req
148. That's way you dare not use the
Lord's name so indiscriminately.Copy !req
149. One of the lights in
the bunker went out.Copy !req
150. I flipped the switch. You
know, I couldn't rememberCopy !req
151. whether it was on
or off position.Copy !req
152. And so I had to turn the power off
just to change the light bulb.Copy !req
153. Bunker? What are
you talking about?Copy !req
154. Aw, are you kidding me?Copy !req
155. You're not on another one of your
wacko inventing binges, are you?Copy !req
156. Is this why I haven't seen you
for the last couple of days?Copy !req
157. Yeah, I've been busy.Copy !req
158. Nicky come here come here come
here, you got to see my latest!Copy !req
159. Here put this one on first.Copy !req
160. Here you go and then this one.Copy !req
161. Alright There you are then this goes
up and hoo, then you'll need these.Copy !req
162. Chipmunks?Copy !req
163. Oh I left it on 78Copy !req
164. Robert GulayCopy !req
165. Can you put the
Chipmunks back on?Copy !req
166. What exactly an I wearing, I
mean why is this thing so heavy?Copy !req
167. Well I was gonna
call it record man!Copy !req
168. But then that seemed so generic, so I
took a page from you Mr Batfarmer.Copy !req
169. I'm gonna call it the back
wax pack. What do you think?Copy !req
170. That name sounds like a problem most
people don't want. I'd shelve it.Copy !req
171. Maybe if it was more compact!Copy !req
172. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
173. Uh, be careful there.
That's a nutcracker.Copy !req
174. I can see that. It just seems
a little Christmassy for you.Copy !req
175. Do you know that the chestnut can
explode if you don't puncture the skinCopy !req
176. - Before it's heated?
- That's fascinating, Grandpa.Copy !req
177. I told you to be careful!Copy !req
178. You could have put your eye out!Copy !req
179. There appears to be a design flaw
that needs to be worked out.Copy !req
180. File that next to brown-colored
toilet paper as a bad idea.Copy !req
181. Now what about that bunker?Copy !req
182. Watch your noodle there.Copy !req
183. Um...Copy !req
184. Grandpa, I... I...Copy !req
185. Any desire to explain?Copy !req
186. I mean, sometimes I think I'm
the only person in this townCopy !req
187. that doesn't believe you're
completely nuts and...Copy !req
188. uh, frankly,Copy !req
189. my belief is dwindling.Copy !req
190. Let them think
whatever they want to.Copy !req
191. This is about survival.
I know what they say.Copy !req
192. I've been hearing
it most of my life,Copy !req
193. but I'd rather be crazy and
alive than ignorant and dead.Copy !req
194. What up, Santa bitch?Copy !req
195. How much Christmas cheer
you got in the pot?Copy !req
196. Grandpa!Copy !req
197. Why does Christmas always
bring out the worst in you?Copy !req
198. I mean there are allot of people that actually
look forward to it, year in tear out.Copy !req
199. I mean some people even calibrate it.
And someCopy !req
200. families hold a gift ceremony
and exchange presents.Copy !req
201. Is that what all this wining
like a little ninny is about!Copy !req
202. OK OK here here here take this.Copy !req
203. The only worthwhile gift
is a practical one.Copy !req
204. I... I can't remember the last
time you gave me a gift.Copy !req
205. What are you talking about I gave you
a light brake for your Birthday.Copy !req
206. Ye that was like 12 years ago.Copy !req
207. Exactly and when was the last
time you used it... Haa HaCopy !req
208. I just I don't understandCopy !req
209. What do you have
against Christmas?Copy !req
210. I'm afraid I don't
know what you meanCopy !req
211. Grandpa, I used to think it was because
you were grumpy and a little senile,Copy !req
212. but Mrs. Talbot said you've
always hated Christmas.Copy !req
213. The heck with that old hag!Copy !req
214. I don't see any reason
to commercialize Santa.Copy !req
215. Besides, he hasn't always been that
loveable poster boy for Coca-Cola.Copy !req
216. Oops.Copy !req
217. Sorry.Copy !req
218. Why? What for?Copy !req
219. Oh God!Copy !req
220. - You didn't.
- I said I was sorry.Copy !req
221. Grandpa, I want the
truth about Christmas.Copy !req
222. And no, I'm not asking you to tell
me that Santa Claus isn't real.Copy !req
223. I'm a little too old
for that discussion.Copy !req
224. I'd just be a little careful of
what I ask Santa for this year.Copy !req
225. What, are we Jewish or something?Copy !req
226. Okay.Copy !req
227. Come on, follow me.Copy !req
228. You're full of surprises tonight.Copy !req
229. Oh!Copy !req
230. For a lifetime of service?Copy !req
231. Grandpa, I had no idea you
were in the military.Copy !req
232. I wasn't.Copy !req
233. What the hell's that?
The Necronomicon?Copy !req
234. If it's the truth you want,Copy !req
235. then it's the scary truth
you're gonna have. Sit down.Copy !req
236. This is the Book of Claus.Copy !req
237. Been in the possession of our
family for countless generations.Copy !req
238. What does it say?Copy !req
239. English, Gramp.Copy !req
240. "In the history of man..."Copy !req
241. I don't know why you're afraid
to use your Norse, Nicky.Copy !req
242. If you don't practice it, you'll never
be able to speak it or read it.Copy !req
243. "In the history of man, there have
been only two immaculate conceptions,"Copy !req
244. the first being God and the Virgin Mary
and the birth of their son, Jesus.Copy !req
245. The second was Satan
with the Virgin ErickaCopy !req
246. and the birth of
their son, Santa.Copy !req
247. On the anniversary of his birth,Copy !req
248. there were always a great number
of unexplained deaths and murders.Copy !req
249. This day became known
as the Dag of MordCopy !req
250. or the Day of Slayings.Copy !req
251. Eventually, Christianity spread
and when the Dag of Mord arrived,Copy !req
252. the townspeople would have a
Mass of Christ or a Christ-Mass,Copy !req
253. where they would pray to
their Lord for protection.Copy !req
254. In the beginning of
the 11th century,Copy !req
255. "one of God's angels"Copy !req
256. Carolers... I don't want
them singing around here.Copy !req
257. Mary. Nicky, your friend, Mary.Copy !req
258. Come in, come in,
come in, my dear.Copy !req
259. Hi.Copy !req
260. I hope you like wolverine.Copy !req
261. My dad shot it this morning,Copy !req
262. you know, with his
Ammo for Animals club.Copy !req
263. It's so fresh, you can
almost smell its breath.Copy !req
264. Well, thank you.Copy !req
265. I didn't realize I
hadn't eaten a thingCopy !req
266. until just now.Copy !req
267. I don't believe I've ever
had wolverine before.Copy !req
268. Oh, well it looks delicious.Copy !req
269. I just hope it's not wicked cold.Copy !req
270. What are you doing here?Copy !req
271. Just trying to spread
some holiday cheer.Copy !req
272. - What's this?
- How about you just open it?Copy !req
273. You got me a gun?Copy !req
274. I don't mean to sound ungrateful,
but what, are you fucking retarded?Copy !req
275. No, you jack-off.Copy !req
276. It's more than meets the eye.Copy !req
277. You said you always wanted one.Copy !req
278. I'm as happy as a
Make-a-Wish kid.Copy !req
279. Thanks where did you find it?Copy !req
280. Ah it was in our
basement collecting dustCopy !req
281. You know my Dad, Mr NRA
couldn't wait to replaceCopy !req
282. the crayons in our
little hands with gunsCopy !req
283. And when my brother Shaun
asked Santa for a WesternCopy !req
284. Bendall practically sucked
the life out of him.Copy !req
285. I still don't know how they're
so shacked when he cameCopy !req
286. out, I mean hello he works
in the fragrance department.Copy !req
287. Anyway thanks.Copy !req
288. So err what you up to tonight?Copy !req
289. There are some people
who don't believeCopy !req
290. in the spirit of Christmas,
oh, no they don't.Copy !req
291. There are some people who don't believe
Christmas should exist at all,Copy !req
292. that it's become too
commercial, yes, they do.Copy !req
293. There are some people
who don't believeCopy !req
294. in the spirit of Christmas
giving, no, no they don't.Copy !req
295. And there are even some peopleCopy !req
296. who think that charityCopy !req
297. is for the lazy.Copy !req
298. Oh, my friends, charity
is not for the lazy.Copy !req
299. Charity is for the needy.Copy !req
300. Dig deep into your hearts
and deep into your pockets.Copy !req
301. Give them your money and
don't give them coins.Copy !req
302. I see a lot of coins
in that plate.Copy !req
303. Give them bills. Give
the needy bills.Copy !req
304. Show them that you have the
true spirit of ChristmasCopy !req
305. in your hearts, and that
you're ready to show it.Copy !req
306. Let us pray.Copy !req
307. It depends on how
much I get done.Copy !req
308. I'm still at work, okay?
Yeah, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
309. Yeah. Oh, no, no, of course I
know what day it is tomorrow.Copy !req
310. Yes. Well, choir
ran a little late.Copy !req
311. Okay, fine. Love
you, honey. Bye.Copy !req
312. So, how's it tonight, Tim.Copy !req
313. You'll get plenty of attention
tonight. Really dead.Copy !req
314. Christmas Eve.Copy !req
315. Well, a little something
for your stocking.Copy !req
316. You weren't even here, Pastor.Copy !req
317. Oh yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
318. - Hey.
- Nice tits.Copy !req
319. Whoa.Copy !req
320. Whoa!Copy !req
321. Where do you think
you're going, fat boy?Copy !req
322. I thought I'd stuff
some stockings.Copy !req
323. I don't think so.Copy !req
324. Look what just slid down the
chimney. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
325. So anyway, I was talking about
the gift that keeps on giving.Copy !req
326. That's what Christmas
is all about.Copy !req
327. Ho, ho, hos.Copy !req
328. Time to go.Copy !req
329. You guys, get back.Copy !req
330. Naughty.Copy !req
331. We're having quite a night here
at the 43rd annual Christmas EveCopy !req
332. Smash 'Em and Crash 'Em Derby.Copy !req
333. Now that was the number
five car going out there.Copy !req
334. That's Jacoby. He's done
for the night, I think.Copy !req
335. Well, if I don't get to bed
and get my beauty sleep,Copy !req
336. I'll probably end up
looking like one of you.Copy !req
337. - Good night, Grandpa.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
338. Now, there's a big hit right there.
Jody Boyd has backed right into...Copy !req
339. I'm sorry. I forgot.Copy !req
340. It's fine.Copy !req
341. You think he's
bananas, don't you?Copy !req
342. No no, not bananas.Copy !req
343. A little odd, but...Copy !req
344. not bananas.Copy !req
345. A little odd?Copy !req
346. You wanna talk about
a little odd?Copy !req
347. Odd is being a member of the
Rifle of the Month Club.Copy !req
348. Odd is when all the available wall
space in your house is coveredCopy !req
349. with the head of an
endangered or extinct animal.Copy !req
350. Odd is someone's father I know.Copy !req
351. I'm sorry, Nicholas.Copy !req
352. I'm sorry I even came
over here tonight.Copy !req
353. Just backed right into him, oh!Copy !req
354. Yeah, you got my number.Copy !req
355. Call me when you're ready for
a more mature relationship.Copy !req
356. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
357. "The townspeople would
have a Mass of Christ,"Copy !req
358. or a Christ Mass,Copy !req
359. "where they would pray
to their Lord..."Copy !req
360. God, Grandpa.Copy !req
361. Lord save us...Copy !req
362. "Hearing their call,"Copy !req
363. God sent down one of his angel
generals from the heavens.Copy !req
364. The angel took the
form of an old man.Copy !req
365. He encountered the young, ill-tempered
Santa not far from his home.Copy !req
366. Santa was ice fishing with
the ornery little people,Copy !req
367. the elves, on a frozen lake.Copy !req
368. Help, please Santa, help.
Help, I don't wanna...Copy !req
369. Knowing the son of Satan
was a gambling sort,Copy !req
370. the angel challenged
him to a contest.Copy !req
371. The contest was a simple one:Copy !req
372. Who could slide a
rock across the lakeCopy !req
373. and land it closest to
the ice fishing holeCopy !req
374. without the rock falling in.Copy !req
375. If Santa won the contest, he would
deliver the confident old manCopy !req
376. to his father for an eternity
of pain and suffering.Copy !req
377. If the old man won the contest,Copy !req
378. Santa would not
only have to ceaseCopy !req
379. the Day of Slayings for
the next 1,000 years,Copy !req
380. but would also have to turn the
Dag of Mord, Day of Slayings,Copy !req
381. into a Dag of Glee, Day of Joy.Copy !req
382. Santa thought this was as close
to a sure wager as could be.Copy !req
383. There was no way a mere
mortal was gonna be ableCopy !req
384. to defeat him at anything.Copy !req
385. Santa was so sure of himself
that he went first.Copy !req
386. Woo hoo! Yay, Santa. Go!Copy !req
387. His rock landed as close
as it could possibly beCopy !req
388. to the hole without going in it.Copy !req
389. Next was the old man's turn.Copy !req
390. - The old man's rock...
- No, no, no!Copy !req
391. Skidded slowly along.Copy !req
392. Oh no!Copy !req
393. And it came to rest
touching Santa's rockCopy !req
394. with just enough momentum to push
Santa's stone over into the hole.Copy !req
395. "The old man had won."Copy !req
396. Shit. That was exactly
1,000 years ago.Copy !req
397. The bet's over.Copy !req
398. Hooyaa!Copy !req
399. Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
400. He's nuts.Copy !req
401. Angels, I think Santa has
left you some surprises.Copy !req
402. I can't wait to see
the shit we got.Copy !req
403. Can we open our
motherfucking presents now?Copy !req
404. - Of course.
- Go ahead, kids.Copy !req
405. Let's see what Santa got you.Copy !req
406. Fuck.Copy !req
407. And finally, a moment of silenceCopy !req
408. for the victims of that tragic
fire that took place last nightCopy !req
409. at the community eye
sore, Gold Diggers.Copy !req
410. The house of heathens.Copy !req
411. While these people are
undeniably moral sinners,Copy !req
412. they are nonetheless members
of this community...Copy !req
413. and therefore deserve
our condolences.Copy !req
414. So pray with me, if you
will, for the salvationCopy !req
415. of Crystal Candy...Copy !req
416. Sierra Rains...Copy !req
417. Dixie Wrecked,Copy !req
418. Tess Tickler...Copy !req
419. We're closed.Copy !req
420. Sorry, Santa. We're closed.Copy !req
421. It's Christmas. You should
know that better than anybody.Copy !req
422. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
423. You wanna eat? Thai Chung
across the street.Copy !req
424. A very nice brunch buffet.Copy !req
425. Schmuck.Copy !req
426. You've come to the
wrong deli, fatso.Copy !req
427. Here's some stocking stuffers,Copy !req
428. you just wrecked the store.Copy !req
429. Piece of shit!Copy !req
430. Oy.Copy !req
431. Hi, Nicholas.Copy !req
432. Hey.Copy !req
433. What's up?Copy !req
434. Do you have any gum?Copy !req
435. We're all out. The driver that was
supposed to make the deliveryCopy !req
436. got his butt fried on a stripper
pole over at Gold Diggers.Copy !req
437. Heard it on the police scanner.Copy !req
438. Yikes, that's below average.Copy !req
439. This is all we got left.Copy !req
440. Hmm, I've never heard
of Smokin' Gum.Copy !req
441. What the hell, sounds hot.Copy !req
442. Cool. It's $2.39.Copy !req
443. Out of a five?Copy !req
444. You know, for such a small town,Copy !req
445. I've never seen you before.Copy !req
446. Just moved here, homeboy.Copy !req
447. Too much damn violence
in the 'hood.Copy !req
448. Car two, when you have a chance,
can you go to 313 MainCopy !req
449. There's been a report
of some vandalism.Copy !req
450. - Oh, you betcha.
- That's Heaven Scent.Copy !req
451. Hey.Copy !req
452. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
453. Nicholas.Copy !req
454. There is a Santa Claus.Copy !req
455. I thought you people didn't
even believe in him.Copy !req
456. You...Copy !req
457. No, no.Copy !req
458. No.Copy !req
459. All right, hold it right there.Copy !req
460. - All right, what are your names?
- Rabinowitz.Copy !req
461. Rabinowitz Rabin...Copy !req
462. - All right, what about you?
- Shlomo Lipschitz.Copy !req
463. Shlomo? Like the
replay or what?Copy !req
464. What in the hell do we have here?Copy !req
465. Oh.Copy !req
466. Looks like someone punched out
Mr. Green's festival of lights.Copy !req
467. Hey, Shlomo there says he
saw someone in a Santa suitCopy !req
468. outside the store.
- A Santa suit?Copy !req
469. - Is that what he said... Are you sure?
- Okay.Copy !req
470. Something just isn't kosher here.Copy !req
471. We're taking you down to the
station for a little questioning.Copy !req
472. Potts, grab that Amish
group outside, too.Copy !req
473. Come on, kid.Copy !req
474. All right, watch your
head there, Yitzkak.Copy !req
475. - Hello, is Mary there?
- Yeah, hold on.Copy !req
476. - Hello - Mac.Copy !req
477. - Hey, did you hear about Heaven Scent?
- I know, I was there.Copy !req
478. - What? Where are you now?
- I'm at the police station.Copy !req
479. I've gotta talk to you.
Can you come pick me up?Copy !req
480. - Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Okay, thanks.Copy !req
481. Yuleson. Nicholas Yuleson?Copy !req
482. Captain Caulk will see you now.Copy !req
483. Do you work for Cock or Bush?Copy !req
484. Never worked for Bush only Cock.Copy !req
485. So you like Cock, huh...Copy !req
486. Cock's terrific.Copy !req
487. So your not a fan of BushCopy !req
488. I wouldn't say I don't like
Bush I just prefer Cock.Copy !req
489. Cock can be a real pain
in your ass though right.Copy !req
490. Ye sometimes.Copy !req
491. Nick send the Yulson kid in.Copy !req
492. Weenus...Copy !req
493. I heard that!Copy !req
494. Don you now your gay apparel.Copy !req
495. We got an eye-witness account
that a man dressed as Santa ClausCopy !req
496. was seen leaving the store about the
same time you said you arrived.Copy !req
497. Captain, this might be something
that predates all of us.Copy !req
498. Santa Claus is not a
myth or a legend.Copy !req
499. He's real, only he's not bearing
gifts and presents anymore.Copy !req
500. Son, are you saying SantaCopy !req
501. is offing everyone who's
naughty and nice?Copy !req
502. That's exactly what I'm
saying, Captain. Look...Copy !req
503. - Here.
- Gee, Nicholas, that's a swell clock,Copy !req
504. but why should I give a damn what
time is is in "Green-witch?"Copy !req
505. I figure that we have until about 7
p.m. That'd be midnight at the Pole.Copy !req
506. The North Pole's time zone is the
same as the Greenwich Mean Time.Copy !req
507. 7:00 is when all the
madness should end.Copy !req
508. Christmas would be
officially over for Santa.Copy !req
509. Maybe.Copy !req
510. Well, thanks for the
lesson there, sport,Copy !req
511. but I already know
how to tell time.Copy !req
512. Now, I don't wanna hear
any more about Santa.Copy !req
513. Captain, my grandfather thinks...Copy !req
514. Oh, the grandfather! That's
all I needed to hear.Copy !req
515. - Please, just listen!
- You're as big a nut as he is.Copy !req
516. Thank you for completely
wasting my fucking time!Copy !req
517. I know it sounds crazy, but
you have to believe me.Copy !req
518. Leave now, and I won't
have you committedCopy !req
519. - to the farm at Northville.
- Just wait, all right?Copy !req
520. Fine! You've been warned.Copy !req
521. Looks like the killings form...Copy !req
522. form the shape of
a Christmas tree.Copy !req
523. Maybe his next killingCopy !req
524. will be right here.Copy !req
525. You know, like the
star on the tree.Copy !req
526. Yeah, the Christmas tree killer.Copy !req
527. I don't know. No,
no, looks like moreCopy !req
528. like an irregular
polygon, you know.Copy !req
529. It's a geometrical
enclosed shape.Copy !req
530. You see, it's a closed figureCopy !req
531. made up of adjoining
line segments.Copy !req
532. Mac, there's some
crazy shit going on,Copy !req
533. and Mr. Green's death
is just the beginning.Copy !req
534. - What do you mean?
- We have to get to my houseCopy !req
535. and find my grandpa.Copy !req
536. Come in!Copy !req
537. This better be good.Copy !req
538. - Ho ho ho!
- Oh no!Copy !req
539. Because of everything that's happening
and the Book of Claus, I no longer thinkCopy !req
540. that my grandpa's crazy. He might be
the only sane person in this town.Copy !req
541. According to this,
everything should be overCopy !req
542. in a little more
than... four hours.Copy !req
543. What is it with you and CaulkCopy !req
544. How ridiculous! He sucks.Copy !req
545. Caulk?Copy !req
546. That's not Captain Caulk.Copy !req
547. Its Santa!Copy !req
548. We gotta get out of
here now! Floor it!Copy !req
549. Okay, under the seat!
Get my father's gun!Copy !req
550. He's gone!Copy !req
551. Oh my God!Copy !req
552. - Bullets! There's no bullets!
- Where is he Where is he?Copy !req
553. - What the hell are you doing?
- Trying to make it harder.Copy !req
554. Yeah? For him or me?Copy !req
555. - Now what?
- Here.Copy !req
556. - Unlock the barrel.
- Huh?Copy !req
557. Just break it open!Copy !req
558. Put the shell into the breech.Copy !req
559. Put the bullet in the hole!Copy !req
560. - "Top Gun"!
- What?Copy !req
561. Slam on the breaks and
let him fly right by.Copy !req
562. Now step on it!Copy !req
563. Damn it!Copy !req
564. Here, hold this.Copy !req
565. Let's go!Copy !req
566. Come on, hurry up.Copy !req
567. Grandpa! Grandpa!Copy !req
568. Mr. Yuleson! Mr. Yuleson!Copy !req
569. Grandpa! Basement,
he's in the basement.Copy !req
570. The Day of Slayings. You
were right, Grandpa.Copy !req
571. - I'm so sorry I doubted you.
- Were the two of you followed here?Copy !req
572. Kids, did Santa Claus
follow you here?Copy !req
573. He tried to pull us overCopy !req
574. and-and Nicholas shot him!Copy !req
575. You shot Santa?Copy !req
576. - What is this place?
- How much time to we have, Grandpa?Copy !req
577. Uh, it'll be midnight at the PoleCopy !req
578. in three hours and eight minutes.Copy !req
579. If Santa followed you here,
we're all in great danger.Copy !req
580. I've built this as a
shelter, not a fortress.Copy !req
581. What are those people doing here?Copy !req
582. - Who carols?
- Especially during the day.Copy !req
583. - I'm gonna go warn them.
- Mary, wait. Nicky...Copy !req
584. I'll go get her.Copy !req
585. Excuse me.Copy !req
586. Downstairs!Copy !req
587. Come on, we have to
get out of here now!Copy !req
588. We're trapped in a
closet on ChristmasCopy !req
589. with Santa trying to murder
us. How fucked up is that?Copy !req
590. Watch your language Nicky.Copy !req
591. Oh your biggest concern
now is the word fuck?Copy !req
592. I gave this to Shaun
Mackenzie in 87, Shh queerCopy !req
593. - What are we gonna do?
- Mary, be a dearCopy !req
594. and fetch me that can
of Tinactin there.Copy !req
595. Oh, genius, we'll use some Tough
Actin' Tinactin on Santa.Copy !req
596. What are the chances of
calming Claus down when weCopy !req
597. - cure him of his athlete's foot?
- Mary, please.Copy !req
598. Okay, you're crazy again.Copy !req
599. - Here.
- What do these do?Copy !req
600. These are gonna do us a
lot of good in here.Copy !req
601. Besides, how are we even
gonna get to the garage?Copy !req
602. Have faith, Nicky, and follow me.Copy !req
603. Nicholas, I'm scared.Copy !req
604. I know. You're doing a
good job of faking it.Copy !req
605. We only have to make it in
another 2.5 more hours.Copy !req
606. - Then we should be okay.
- I'm still scared.Copy !req
607. Voilà.Copy !req
608. We'll head towards the Hell's Bells
and alert everybody we can find.Copy !req
609. Now, fire up these bad babiesCopy !req
610. and let's get out of here.Copy !req
611. You've really let
yourself go, haven't ya?Copy !req
612. What are you packing around, there?
An extra two bills, I bet.Copy !req
613. Mrs. Claus, she's
one hell of a cook.Copy !req
614. Not much of a
hairdresser, though.Copy !req
615. Oh, I've waited a long
time for this day.Copy !req
616. Not half as long as I have.Copy !req
617. Unfortunately, your time
is about to expire.Copy !req
618. So you're done spreading joyCopy !req
619. and warming the hearts
of children everywhere?Copy !req
620. I hate children!
For centuries,Copy !req
621. I've received millions
of their letters,Copy !req
622. and now I'm free to hunt downCopy !req
623. every last one of those brats.Copy !req
624. Such a long time and
nothing learned.Copy !req
625. Enough! There's only one thingCopy !req
626. that can make this Dag
of Mort complete.Copy !req
627. - Nicky, go!
- I won't leave you. Get on!Copy !req
628. Grandpa!Copy !req
629. No!Copy !req
630. Aww, grandpa got run
over by a reindeer.Copy !req
631. Get on!Copy !req
632. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
633. - You got to get out of the open.
- Really?Copy !req
634. The woods! Head for the woods.Copy !req
635. Aaah!Copy !req
636. Yeah, we got to get
out of the woods.Copy !req
637. You think?Copy !req
638. Aah!Copy !req
639. Hold on!Copy !req
640. Next time, I'm driving!Copy !req
641. Next time?Copy !req
642. Pull!Copy !req
643. Oh my God!Copy !req
644. - Look out!
- Look out!Copy !req
645. Sorry!Copy !req
646. - Run away! Santa's on his way!
- What the...Copy !req
647. - Santa's coming. Get out of here!
- Run for your life!Copy !req
648. - Look out!
- Run for your life!Copy !req
649. - Save yourself!
- Damn kids!Copy !req
650. Minister!Copy !req
651. Sorry, okay, here we go.Copy !req
652. Ready and one and two
and three and...Copy !req
653. What the hell?Copy !req
654. - No!
- Look out, Harry!Copy !req
655. Move, you skanks!Copy !req
656. Holy shit!Copy !req
657. Nicholas, get off the sidewalk!Copy !req
658. Okay!Copy !req
659. Sweet Jesus!Copy !req
660. I see you've met my hell deer.Copy !req
661. What in God's name are you doing?Copy !req
662. Why, I'm just trying to spread
a little Yuletide fear.Copy !req
663. What do we do now?Copy !req
664. We make ourselves scarce
and we hope and we prayCopy !req
665. that the "12 Days of
Christmas" song is bullshit.Copy !req
666. We got to go now!Copy !req
667. Oh.Copy !req
668. Think you better find something
else there, Superman.Copy !req
669. Great, he'll never find us now.Copy !req
670. Okay, shut your hole and
help me through this window.Copy !req
671. All right... you're going
to need to suck it in.Copy !req
672. You're going to need
to push from the top.Copy !req
673. I swear to God, Nicholas!
Am I going to have to makeCopy !req
674. every first move in
this relationship.Copy !req
675. - How much time do we have?
- The clock's in my backpack.Copy !req
676. - What's this?
- It's a nutcracker.Copy !req
677. - You think?
- Don't pull that!Copy !req
678. My grandpa must have
slipped it in there.Copy !req
679. It was the last thing
he was working on.Copy !req
680. Look, there's a tag on it.Copy !req
681. A Christmas present?Copy !req
682. He loved you a lot.Copy !req
683. 58 minutes, that's it.Copy !req
684. So what's the plan?
Just hide out and waitCopy !req
685. for Christmas to pass?
He'll be here soon.Copy !req
686. He's just going to keep killing.
We have to try and stop him.Copy !req
687. I don't think he's unstoppable.Copy !req
688. You saw what happened on the truck,
when I shot him.Copy !req
689. We have two choices...
defense or offense.Copy !req
690. We can be defensive and
try to distract himCopy !req
691. until midnight when
he's powerless,Copy !req
692. or we can go on the
offense and lead him backCopy !req
693. towards those skeet shooters and
finally put an end to Christmas.Copy !req
694. Let's take a swing.Copy !req
695. Let's get out of here.
This time we use the door.Copy !req
696. - Shit, it's out again.
- Well keep hitting it.Copy !req
697. It's cashed.Copy !req
698. You call this a practical gift?Copy !req
699. A practical gift
would be batteries.Copy !req
700. Yeah, that's really
helpful right now, Mac.Copy !req
701. - That was you, right?
- Mm-mmm.Copy !req
702. Who's your daddy?Copy !req
703. Father Christmas.Copy !req
704. Come on let's go!Copy !req
705. - Where to?
- Anywhere!Copy !req
706. Forget about earlier. Let's go
with the defensive chicken plan.Copy !req
707. - Maybe we should split up!
- How cliche of you!Copy !req
708. Oh hell no!Copy !req
709. Let's just hide.Copy !req
710. Sssh.Copy !req
711. Not a creature is stirring?Copy !req
712. Christmas can sure scare
the Dickens out of people.Copy !req
713. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
714. Goddamn it, that really hurt!Copy !req
715. Quit using the Lord's
name in vain, A-hole.Copy !req
716. You sound just like my grandpa,Copy !req
717. except for the A-hole part.Copy !req
718. - Whoa!
- Aaaah!Copy !req
719. You okay, Nicholas?Copy !req
720. My head hurts.Copy !req
721. Oh, come over here, you baby man.Copy !req
722. I still can't believe that we're being
hunted by Santa of all f-ing people.Copy !req
723. I thought he was
supposed to be jolly?Copy !req
724. Well maybe its the killing
that's making him so jovial.Copy !req
725. Sorry.Copy !req
726. Look we're going to
get through this.Copy !req
727. We'll be home safe soon.Copy !req
728. I just realized
that I have no one.Copy !req
729. I'm so sorry, Nicholas.Copy !req
730. You have me.Copy !req
731. Besides, I know your grandfather
will always be looking after you.Copy !req
732. But whatever happens, I'm
glad that I'm with you.Copy !req
733. I just love how the holidaysCopy !req
734. always seem to bring
people closer together.Copy !req
735. I'm Santa Claus! Not
fucking Dracula!Copy !req
736. Again, the foolish archangel,Copy !req
737. Hellsgate Yuleson.Copy !req
738. The only angel to give up his
immortality for an earthly woman.Copy !req
739. I'm beginning to feel a little
more like my old self again.Copy !req
740. Wicked, your
grandfather's an angel.Copy !req
741. I told you he'd look after you.Copy !req
742. I swear I'll never take the
Lord's name in vain again.Copy !req
743. You're forgiven, Nicholas.Copy !req
744. Sorry I couldn't have made you
death a more painful one.Copy !req
745. How did you know I'd find you?Copy !req
746. You said you'd go to
Hell and back to find meCopy !req
747. once the bet was over.Copy !req
748. So I moved to Hell Township.Copy !req
749. Is your grandfather
always so literal?Copy !req
750. I had to make sureCopy !req
751. you would honor our wager.Copy !req
752. It was easy to find you.Copy !req
753. "Dear Santa,"Copy !req
754. I've been a good boy nearly
every day this year.Copy !req
755. I wanted to see you at the mall,Copy !req
756. but my grandfather finished
curling practice too late.Copy !req
757. I don't think he
really wanted to go,Copy !req
758. so I'm writing you this
letter to tell youCopy !req
759. what I would like for Christmas.Copy !req
760. Can I please have
a mini-bake oven?Copy !req
761. "Sincerely, Nicholas Yuleson"Copy !req
762. 29 Meadowlark Lane.Copy !req
763. Hell Township.Copy !req
764. Let the boy go. It's
me you really want.Copy !req
765. On the contrary, I knew the boy
would lead me to you and he did.Copy !req
766. Now that he's the last
remaining Yuleson...Copy !req
767. Why don't we settle this, Claus?Copy !req
768. Care to redeem yourself?Copy !req
769. This time,Copy !req
770. I set the stakes.Copy !req
771. If I win, there's no
more Day of Slayings.Copy !req
772. It's back to being
good once and for all.Copy !req
773. - How 'bout it?
- When you lose,Copy !req
774. you will enter that hell holeCopy !req
775. and your soul will be
enslaved for all of eternity.Copy !req
776. - How about that?
- Grandpa!Copy !req
777. Nicky, just remember,Copy !req
778. the only worth-while giftsCopy !req
779. are practical ones.Copy !req
780. Go!Copy !req
781. Damn!Copy !req
782. I hope you enjoyed
your little furlough.Copy !req
783. Now, let's finish this.Copy !req
784. - Grandpa!
- Aaaaah!Copy !req
785. - Grandpa!
- Yes!Copy !req
786. Not to worry. You'll
be joining himCopy !req
787. soon enough.Copy !req
788. The clock just struck
midnight at the Pole.Copy !req
789. Christmas is officially
over for you, Santa.Copy !req
790. You know,Copy !req
791. most people make
the same mistake.Copy !req
792. The correct time at the Pole
is completely discretionaryCopy !req
793. because the Poles are
where all the time zonesCopy !req
794. actually converge.Copy !req
795. He's scary, yet educational.Copy !req
796. So, what I'm saying,Copy !req
797. nitwits,Copy !req
798. is that Christmas is overCopy !req
799. when I say it's over.Copy !req
800. Chest-nut.Copy !req
801. Hello?Copy !req
802. Let's turn up the heat!Copy !req
803. I'm roasting!Copy !req
804. Here, give me your
hand. I got you!Copy !req
805. Pull!Copy !req
806. Merry Christmas to all
and to all good night.Copy !req
807. Remember me?Copy !req
808. Come on! Pull, Mac!Copy !req
809. Get back in line!Copy !req
810. Ha!Copy !req
811. Honey, I had the most
terrible nightmare.Copy !req
812. Visions of sugarplums?Copy !req
813. So, is everyone okay?Copy !req
814. I'm fine, but I think you
have some explaining to do.Copy !req
815. Okay.Copy !req
816. My boy,Copy !req
817. I loved your grandmother
very, very much.Copy !req
818. What powers I had, I
lost all for her.Copy !req
819. I'm telling you, kids,
Santa's bluffing.Copy !req
820. He's powerless now.Copy !req
821. Let's go after him and put an
end to this once and for all.Copy !req
822. What do you say?Copy !req
823. - Okay, Yeah! We'll go..Copy !req
824. - Grandpa?
- I don't believe I can cross.Copy !req
825. I can't leave you,
Grandpa. Not again.Copy !req
826. I don't recall raising a sally!Copy !req
827. Now go! I promiseCopy !req
828. I'll be around.Copy !req
829. Time to go on the offense.Copy !req
830. The bears eat salmon.Copy !req
831. They stand there all damn day and
wait for those fish to jump up.Copy !req
832. I wouldn't touch 'em though.Copy !req
833. That time of year, they
look like monsters.Copy !req
834. Their muzzles are all
disgusting and everything.Copy !req
835. Hey. Hey, there's that asshole
who blew by here earlier.Copy !req
836. And my baby sister.Copy !req
837. - Come on, we need your help.
- What?Copy !req
838. Come on, hurry up.Copy !req
839. How would you like to tell
everyone in your park...Copy !req
840. your block, that you have a
bird deer mounted on your wall?Copy !req
841. What do you mean?Copy !req
842. I'm sure half of you guys
have been dreaming about thisCopy !req
843. your entire lives.
Hunting a flying buck?Copy !req
844. And you know where one is?Copy !req
845. Just get ready. I'm going to
give the special bird deer call.Copy !req
846. The little prick was right.Copy !req
847. It's a reindeer.Copy !req
848. - Come on, man.
- Load up, load up.Copy !req
849. You're going downCopy !req
850. in history.Copy !req
851. Here. You can do it.Copy !req
852. - Oh!
- Yeah!Copy !req
853. - Ah!
- Oh!Copy !req
854. Whooo-hoooo!Copy !req
855. Daddy?Copy !req
856. Hi, sweetheart!Copy !req
857. Daddy, where did you
get that bazooka?Copy !req
858. Vinnie gave it to
me for Christmas.Copy !req
859. He'd been saving
up his llama loot.Copy !req
860. Isn't it great?Copy !req
861. It only cost me a lung.Copy !req
862. And your vocal chords.Copy !req
863. That sure looks like Santa to me.Copy !req
864. I guess Christmas is over.
Santa's stuck on the North Pole.Copy !req
865. Mac!Copy !req
866. It's Pastor Timmons.Copy !req
867. Pastor Timmons is the
psycho Santa guy?Copy !req
868. What a scandal. I was
one of his alter boys.Copy !req
869. What?Copy !req
870. All right, everyone stand back.Copy !req
871. Things are about to
get a little messy.Copy !req
872. And make sure you
include in your reportCopy !req
873. that the light anti-tank
weapon is registered.Copy !req
874. - Thank you.
- Let's go bag the stag.Copy !req
875. Hey, Mary! You
want to come help?Copy !req
876. No, you have fun, Daddy.Copy !req
877. Why didn't you say anything?Copy !req
878. Christmas is over,Copy !req
879. Santa's gone. Why should
they live in fear?Copy !req
880. Maybe he's still out
there I don't know.Copy !req
881. I think my saga's just beginning.Copy !req
882. Hey, I think your dad left this.Copy !req
883. He'll probably need it.Copy !req
884. I got you.Copy !req
885. Hey, and I got you.Copy !req
886. Yeah, but you hit like a girl.Copy !req
887. Yeah, well you kiss like a guy.Copy !req
888. So... Mr. Satan.Copy !req
889. Actually, that's "Shatan."Copy !req
890. Oh, like the hockey player.Copy !req
891. Well, we have youCopy !req
892. connecting in Winnipeg and...Copy !req
893. continuing on too...Copy !req
894. Borneo Airport, North Pole.Copy !req
895. That's correct.Copy !req
896. How many bags do you
have to check, sir?Copy !req
897. Just one.Copy !req
898. Has your... sackCopy !req
899. been out of your sight at all?Copy !req
900. Well, just have a seat.Copy !req
901. We'll board in 10 minutes.Copy !req
902. Can I help the next
person, please?Copy !req
903. One two three...Copy !req
904. Who's next?Copy !req