Rock 'n' Roll High School (1979)

1. "You are here."

2. I'm where?

3. - Freshman! - Let's get him!

4. Help! Help!

5. Seniors!

6. Freshman.

7. Hey, freshie!

8. We got another freshman! Please, put me down! Help!

9. Please, I'll be late for my first class.

10. What do we do with him? Stuff him in a locker.

11. No, not the locker. Anything but the locker!

12. Hey. Nice game, Tom, even though we lost.

13. Oh, yeah. Ha-ha.

14. Hey. How you doin'?

15. How's the old arm?

16. Well, it's pretty sore.

17. Hi, Tom.

18. "Never before has the school board

19. "seen a student body such as this.

20. "But starting today, things will be different.

21. "May I present to you an administrator

22. "who has promised to carry out her duties

23. "with an iron hand -

24. "the new principal of Vince Lombardi High -

25. Miss Evelyn Togar."

26. Thank you.

27. Thank you.

28. "Members of the board,

29. "as we stand on the threshold of a new decade,

30. "we must face harsh reality.

31. "Our educational system has become far too permissive.

32. "As that famous scholar once said…

33. "'my darling Evelyn,

34. How I long for the feel of your luscious thighs wrapped ar… '"

35. "as you all know, I am here to replace Professor Webb,

36. "who is unable to continue his duties

37. As the chief administrator of this school."

38. And now I would like us all to rise and salute professor Webb

39. For his wonderful, gallant effort.

40. Ludwig van Beethoven,

41. Whom you will be interested to learn,

42. Wrote his greatest symphony

43. At a time when he was completely deaf,

44. A feat which was practically unheard of

45. At the time.

46. I know that most of you are used to listening

47. To a very different kind of music,

48. But I hope that when you hear

49. The immortal strains of Beethoven's fifth symphony,

50. You will realize what a work of genius it really is.

51. I seem to have misplaced the turntable.

52. Hi, everybody.

53. I'm Riff Randell, and this is rock-'n'-roll high school!

54. What are you doing? Have you gone crazy?

55. Stop that! Sit down.

56. Please, these are very dangerous chemicals.

57. Don't dance near the chemicals. In fact, don't dance at all.

58. Asseyez vous.

59. Asseyez vous. Asseyez vous.

60. Whoo!

61. Get down off my desk! Get in your seats.

62. Aah!

63. Riff.

64. Hey, Kate, I'm getting some static.

65. Not as much as you're going to get.

66. So, this is the type of behavior that I can expect.

67. The minute there's not a teacher in the room,

68. The entire school erupts

69. Into a shameless display of adolescent abandon.

70. If it's discipline that you students need,

71. I am the one who can provide it for you.

72. Well, now,

73. I'm not interested in punishing anyone,

74. But I think for the good of the whole school,

75. The person responsible for this deviation from the schedule

76. Should step forward.

77. Kate, what are you doing?

78. What is your name?

79. Kate Rambeau.

80. And who are you?

81. I'm Riff Randell, rock-'n'-roller.

82. Obviously you do not know who I am.

83. I am Miss Togar,

84. And I am the new principal of this school.

85. I want you to go to your classes… Now.

86. This incident is going down on your permanent record,

87. A record that's going to follow you

88. Throughout your entire life.

89. You have managed to upset the entire school

90. With this godforsaken noise.

91. Noise? That's the Ramones' best album.

92. Number one with a bullet.

93. Randell, I want to see both of you in detention center

94. Before the next bell, or else.

95. Oh, Riff, detention center?

96. I've never served a detention before.

97. Oh, don't worry.

98. I've done more detentions than anyone in the school's history.

99. Whoo-hoo! Come on, Kate. Loosen up.

100. Oh, Riff, not that stuff.

101. Oh, come on. It's not the end of the world.

102. Yahoo! Detention. I can't believe you.

103. Oh, boy, detention with my best friend.

104. I don't understand it.

105. I mean, I'm captain of the football team…

106. …My complexion has cleared up,

107. And soon, I'm gonna be going to the college of my choice.

108. Why don't girls go for me?

109. Hi, Tom.

110. Hey, Cheryl, how ya doin'? Ah.

111. Nice weather we been havin', huh?

112. Little dry lately, though,

113. But I hear it's raining cats and dogs in Idaho.

114. Sure, Tom. Be seeing you?

115. All right.

116. What went wrong?

117. Maybe I'm too forward.

118. Hi, Tom.

119. Hey, Shawn, baby, how you doin'?

120. ¿Qué pasa?

121. Nice weather we been havin' lately, huh?

122. It's been a little dry, though.

123. I hear it's been raining cats and dogs in Idaho.

124. Yes!

125. See ya later, Tom.

126. Yes. What happened?

127. What went wrong?

128. O caring football type, captain of the team…

129. I gotta get myself together.

130. I need to improve my self-image.

131. I need to broaden my horizons!

132. Riff Randell.

133. No, not the urinal! This one.

134. Anything but the urinal! No! Please! Watch it! Watch it!

135. Hey, man, where you goin'?

136. End of the line!

137. …Just like everybody else.

138. Hi. Uh, I need to see Eaglebauer.

139. Oh, I'm sorry, but he's tied up at the moment.

140. Why don't you just take a number and have a seat?

141. Miss, you don't understand. See, this is an emergency.

142. Animal, vegetable or mineral?

143. Um… Sexual.

144. Whoo!

145. It's a code nine!

146. He'll see you immediately.

147. Ah, my man, it's good to see ya.

148. Good to see ya. How are ya doin'? Good.

149. Well, have a seat. Have a seat.

150. So what'll it be for the star quarterback of Vince Lombardi High?

151. Fake id? Get you liquor in any state.

152. Uh, no.

153. Hall pass? Test answers?

154. No, no, that's not gonna solve my problem.

155. Shoot. It's been like this all morning,

156. Ever since Togar took office.

157. The whole school's in turmoil! Well, look.

158. Look at this.

159. Fake ids down 50%.

160. Test answers down 60%.

161. Hall passes are fallin" off the board.

162. Let's get back to you.

163. Tell me exactly what you want out of life.

164. I want someone with huge breasts.

165. The sweet stirring of passionate youth.

166. I wanna get laid before I'm 30.

167. Are you a virgin?

168. Uh, do you mean technically?

169. You've come to the right place.

170. Eaglebauer enterprises is a name that stands for quality.

171. I'm gonna get you a date with the most primo lady in this school -

172. Kate Rambeau.

173. Johnny, why don't you tell Tom how happy he'll be with Kate?

174. Right you are, Mr. Bauer.

175. Kate Rambeau, age 17, attends Vince Lombardi High,

176. Where she majors in nuclear physics.

177. This perky gal-on-the-go's hobbies

178. Include splitting protons and checkers.

179. Included in your night to remember

180. - Is a matched set of travelways luggage. - Ooh!

181. That's travelways luggage, the first name in travel for over five years.

182. And now back to you, Mr. E.

183. Thank you, Johnny. There she is, Tom.

184. I had somebody else in mind.

185. Oh, Tom, my files indicate she's perfect for you.

186. I know, I know, but I was kinda hopin'

187. That you'd set me up with Riff Randell.

188. Riff Randell?

189. How about a cheerleader? Nice set of pompoms.

190. No! The only girl I ever dream about at night is Riff,

191. But I always keep waking up just before the good part.

192. Well, how are you set for large amounts of hard cash?

193. I have a major credit card.

194. Uh, Norma, dear?

195. Yes, Mr. Eaglebauer.

196. Yes, would you draw up a contract for Tom Roberts

197. And Riff Randell?

198. What's that thing in your ear, Randell?

199. Um, it's a… a hearing aid.

200. Be careful, Miss Steroid.

201. She's very sensitive about it.

202. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Randell.

203. What?

204. Sorry to hear that, Randell!

205. Fine. How are you?

206. Oh, I'm fine, thank you!

207. Oh, I'd say about a quarter to two.

208. Come on, Riff, let's go.

209. But I just had lunch.

210. So young.

211. That was close.

212. We just got out of trouble. You wanna put us back in?

213. Are you kidding? "What's that thing in your ear?"

214. She doesn't even know the Beatles broke up.

215. I know something is going on behind my back.

216. You two are not doing your jobs.

217. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

218. You're supposed to be my eyes, my ears, my nose.

219. Ahchoo!

220. Thank you.

221. If this school is going to get back on the winning track,

222. We have to start cracking down immediately…

223. And I know just where to begin.

224. OK, you take a note to Mr. McGree,

225. And I want you to take the same note to Coach Steroid.

226. Tell them to meet me immediately

227. In the science lab.

228. The most famous notes in all of the musical literature.

229. Now…

230. "earmail."

231. Ha-ha-ha.

232. Class, I have to go to Miss Togar's office.

233. I'd like you to look over the chapter on Beethoven's Fifth Symphony

234. While I'm gone.

235. Oh, and, class, as soon as I get back,

236. There's going to be a surprise quiz on this material.

237. Aww!

238. Come on.

239. Nice work, Rambeau. I knew you could do it.

240. OK, now come on down.

241. I'm stuck.

242. Nonsense. There's nothing to it.

243. Just go hand over hand,

244. But above all, do not slide.

245. Kate, are you all right?

246. All right, girls, she's ok. You're ok, Rambeau.

247. Get up and walk it off.

248. Come on. Come on, girls.

249. Let's move it. Hey!

250. You fat creep.

251. Yes? Note.

252. "Darling Evelyn, how I long for the feel your luscious thighs…"

253. Oh, wrong note.

254. All right, class…

255. …Listen up.

256. Are you ok? I'm going to be gone for a few minutes.

257. While I'm away, I want you to continue

258. With your exercises for the day.

259. Aww! Ah, none of that.

260. Let's have a little enthusiasm.

261. And a…

262. …a-one and a-two and a-jumping up and down.

263. Come on, girls. That's right.

264. Peppy!

265. Keep that up till I get back.

266. Well, you're probably wondering why I called you here.

267. Me. I know, I know.

268. Me. I know.

269. I know, I know. Me.

270. Go and monitor the halls.

271. Since assuming office this morning,

272. I've noticed a number of peculiar incidents

273. Among the members of the student body,

274. All having to do with rock-'n'-roll music.

275. Miss Togar, I have no particular love for rock-'n'-roll,

276. But it doesn't seem to me that listening to it

277. Actually hurts the students.

278. But that's where you're wrong, Mr. McGree.

279. Recently, I have been doing a study

280. Of mice subjected to rock-'n'-roll music.

281. Here we have a picture of this mouse,

282. A typical member of the genus rattus rodenti,

283. As he appeared before the start of my investigation -

284. Clean, good-natured,

285. Content to scamper playfully about his cage.

286. This is a picture of the same mouse…

287. One week after the introduction of rock-'n'-roll music.

288. I never dreamed.

289. Oh, the results were dramatic.

290. He lost all interest

291. In keeping his cage tidy.

292. How scientific.

293. He played his electric guitar far into the night,

294. Keeping the other test animals awake.

295. He did?

296. And he met this female mouse,

297. And they have been sharing a cage together

298. Out of wedlock.

299. That's fascinating, Miss Togar.

300. Yes, it is.

301. Is she crazy?

302. She's a principal.

303. Monitor the hall, monitor the hall.

304. I am sick of monitoring the hall.

305. Yep.

306. Let's go monitor the freshman. Good idea.

307. Get him.

308. All right, up against the wall.

309. Spread 'em.

310. All right, what the hell do you think you're doing out here?

311. I was just getting my books.

312. Listen, you have a hall pass? Well, no.

313. No hall pass? Hit him, hit him.

314. Guys, I'm allergic to violence. I break out in blood. Hit him anyway.

315. Calm down. Let me see some id. I haven't got all day.

316. I need it for the sock hop tonight.

317. The sock hop. Who'd dance with you?

318. All you have is a buck? I'll have that.

319. Is this you? Well, I take a bad picture.

320. - Tell me about it. - Ugh.

321. Listen, I'm gonna give you a demerit. What's a demerit?

322. If you get enough of 'em, you wind up in Miss Togar's office.

323. Because… …you're ugly.

324. Hit him now. Hit him. Hit him.

325. I have a great idea. Let's go monitor the girls' gym.

326. All right. OK?

327. What are you doing, Riff?

328. Gym class called on account of boredom.

329. Got some of my homework instead.

330. Homework? Yeah, for Mr. McGree's songwriting class.

331. I've written a song for the Ramones.

332. Wait till you hear this.

333. Whoo!

334. Whoo!

335. Next I investigated reports of loss of hearing by individuals

336. Due to the high decibel level involved

337. In playing rock-'n'-roll music.

338. Put on these ear protective devices,

339. As I am going to - Mr. McGree -

340. Play a song by the Ramones

341. At the decibel level consistent with that used

342. In your average concert.

343. Your standard mouse

344. And your standard speakers.

345. Now, back, back.

346. This is the rock-o-meter. Gee.

347. It is used to measure comparative rock-'n'-roll intensity levels.

348. Watch the mouse while I turn it on.

349. Notice the loss of hearing.

350. The gym! Girls!

351. Music! Legs!

352. Dancing! Boobs!

353. Randell… Sex…

354. I think they're trying to tell us something.

355. OK.

356. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

357. …3, 4.

358. 1, 2… 3, 4.

359. 1, 2… 3, 4.

360. 1, 2… 3, 4.

361. 1, 2… 3, 4.

362. 1, 2…

363. 3, 4.

364. 1, 2… 3, 4.

365. 1, 2… 3, 4.

366. 1, 2… 3, 4.

367. 1, 2… 3, 4.

368. 1, 2… 3, 4.

369. 1, 2… 3, 4.

370. 1, 2… 3, 4.

371. 1, 2… 3, 4.

372. 1, 2… 3, 4.

373. 1, 2…

374. They're dancing.

375. Oh, no, Miss Togar, it's calisthenics.

376. Where are their books?

377. This is a gym class.

378. They're exercising their bodies.

379. 1, 2…

380. What these girls need is to exercise their minds.

381. 1, 2… 3, 4.

382. 1, 2…

383. I told you - she's crazy.

384. …3, 4.

385. All right, girls, hit the showers!

386. 1, 2… 3, 4.

387. 1, 2…

388. 1, 2… 3, 4.

389. 1, 2… 3, 4.

390. All right, girls. Come on, let's go.

391. Whoo!

392. Uh, Cheryl, do you think Tom Roberts is cute?

393. Yeah, but he's such a dork.

394. No, he's not. I think he's a fox.

395. A fox?

396. Tom Roberts is so boring, his brother is an only child.

397. He's not half as hot as Joey Ramone.

398. Who's Joey Ramone?

399. Where have you been - Mars?

400. Earth calling Kate.

401. He just happens to be the lead singer of the Ramones.

402. I wish we could see them this Thursday at their concert.

403. So what's stopping you?

404. We can't cut classes to stand in line for tickets.

405. That's right. Oh, please.

406. Ten years from now, no one will care

407. If you've ever been to high school, much less skipped a few classes.

408. You all act as if everything's so important around here.

409. Just because Togar is stuck in the '50s

410. Doesn't mean there isn't life after high school.

411. I've got my own future to think about.

412. I know I can write for the Ramones.

413. All I've gotta do is get my songs to them.

414. They won't be in town for another year,

415. So I've got to see them now.

416. Hey, we wanna go as much as you,

417. But we can't all cut classes.

418. Well, I guess it's up to me, then,

419. But you'll have to cover for me, Kate.

420. I'm gonna take a three-day leave from Camp Lombardi

421. And be first in line.

422. If anyone wants to join me at front-row center,

423. Why, you just let me know.

424. - OK. - Yeah.

425. All right!

426. Hey, keep away with that thing. I don't want any.

427. Scalper.

428. Miss Kissel,

429. Please report to the principal's office.

430. All your classes have been canceled.

431. - A girl! - Everyone, hide!

432. Don't forget the sock hop this evening.

433. Tonight's guest speaker will be Dr. Schulz.

434. Ooh.

435. Red alert.

436. Who is it? Kate Rambeau.

437. Kate, yeah. Come on in.

438. Hello, Mr. Eaglebauer.

439. How are you doing? Great, thank you.

440. Please, sit down, sit down.

441. What can I do for you, Kate?

442. Well, I wanna go out on a date.

443. Say no more. Eaglebauer enterprises has a man for you.

444. Tell me, have you had much experience with boys?

445. Well… Once I played nurse with a boy next door

446. And got sued for malpractice.

447. I wish part of Riff would rub off on me.

448. Everything's so easy for her.

449. Did you have any one particular person in mind?

450. Well, I was kind of hoping

451. That you might fix me up with…

452. With Tom Roberts.

453. Tom Roberts? Yeah.

454. I love him. He's a great guy. I love him.

455. Well, can you do it?

456. This will never work.

457. Tom will never like me. I don't know who I'm kidding.

458. What possible reason could there be

459. To put myself through all this?

460. Sex.

461. I must admit, as far as reasons go,

462. It must be one of the best.

463. Kate, I've known Tom ever since he was a freshman,

464. When I sold him his first touchdown.

465. Believe me, you're just the type of girl he goes for.

466. Tom, my man.

467. How's my would-be Romeo? Eaglebauer, what are we doing up here?

468. I thought we were gonna start training today.

469. This is the perfect spot for it.

470. Most romantic setting in the city.

471. Just you, the skyline and your training partner.

472. Training partner?

473. Hi, Tom.

474. I was kind of expecting Riff Randell.

475. Eaglebauer, I don't know whether I can go through with this.

476. Couldn't I just practice with myself?

477. You done too much of that already. Yeah.

478. Now, for the next three days,

479. You two are gonna have nothing but fun.

480. Now, the first lesson - necking.

481. The place - lovers' Lane.

482. The reason…

483. Well, you're young.

484. Now, what's the first thing you guys do?

485. Aw, no, no, no, no.

486. Now, this next step can either make or break a successful date.

487. One-handed approach to strap unfastening

488. Is a basic skill that must be mastered.

489. Now watch closely as I demonstrate.

490. There's the hook.

491. The snap.

492. There is the double hook.

493. There is the dreaded minihooks.

494. And, if you play your cards right,

495. The easy-open frontal assault.

496. Isn't it sad when a family has to suffer so much?

497. Isn't it.

498. Good morning, Joey.

499. Excuse me, but I think it's obvious

500. I'm first in line.

501. Not anymore.

502. Hey, look, I been waiting here for two days.

503. I'm first in line.

504. So you wanna be ahead of me, huh?

505. I don't wanna be. I am.

506. Apparently you don't know who I am. No.

507. I'm Angel.

508. Angel dust, the Ramones' number one fan?

509. I followed 'em on every stop of their tour from Cleveland to Pittsburgh

510. To Tucson to Charlotte… Ohh, you're a groupie.

511. Yeah, well, I happen to be a songwriter…

512. Honey, you're not a songwriter,

513. You're a cheerleader.

514. I am first in line. I'm first in line.

515. I'm first in line. Hey, what do you think I am - filth?

516. You think I'm just spit on the sidewalk for you to walk on,

517. Scum under your feet?

518. I don't know what you are, but I am first in line.

519. I am first in line. I am first in line.

520. I'm first in line, and if you don't like it,

521. You can put it where the monkey puts the nuts.

522. By the way, who do you like?

523. Oh, I think Joey's kinda cute.

524. Hey, it's the Ramonemobile!

525. - All night! All night!

526. Joey! Cut it out.

527. Joey! Joey! Here's songs!

528. I love you. I love you.

529. Angel, baby, good to see ya.

530. I got a little surprise for you.

531. The boys would love to see ya. Come on. This way.

532. Yeah, this way. Come on, let's go.

533. Goodbye, cheerleader.

534. Ramones forever!

535. Quit shoving, you guys. Come on.

536. Stop cutting in line!

537. Well, you know what they say.

538. These things always happen in threes.

539. Oh, really?

540. I want 100 of your best Ramone tickets, please.

541. $1,000.

542. Here they are… the Ramones tickets.

543. There's many more of them. You'll get one.

544. There you go.

545. All right, I know you want one, too.

546. What's all this commotion?

547. There you go. Excuse me. What's going on here?

548. Here you go. I'm giving out tickets to the concert.

549. The concert? Yeah.

550. I had no idea the students were so interested in music.

551. Wanna go? Complimentary ticket?

552. Why, thank you. I love concerts.

553. But, uh, who are the "Ramoneys"?

554. The Ramones.

555. They're the best group in the world… …Oxygen.

556. So, three members of your family are dead?

557. Oh, we know for a fact that you are lying.

558. Go and show her the proof.

559. What do you have to say for yourself?

560. Hey, got better. Got better nothing.

561. I suppose that her parents are still alive, too.

562. Should I check on it, ma'am? No talking.

563. Kate, I am really surprised at you.

564. I thought you would serve as a model for the rest of the school,

565. Not as an accomplice to delinquency.

566. Well, she's my friend.

567. A friend that will lead you down the road to expulsion.

568. I'm a teenage lobotomy.

569. I have made a full report.

570. Oh, Mr. Monitor, sir, it's the breathing. It's the…

571. "you two girls have done nothing but defy me,

572. You have turned the entire student body against me…"

573. Miss Randell, just what is your problem?

574. All right, who else has tickets to this concert?

575. Uh, just us.

576. We're the only ones.

577. Miss Togar, perhaps we're taking this a bit too far.

578. After all, the concert is on their own time, and it's…

579. Nonsense! They should be made an example for the whole school.

580. All right, give me your tickets. I will give them to Charity.

581. No way! Very well.

582. I'll have my hall monitors take them from you.

583. Body search!

584. Hey, Riff, thank you.

585. Thanks for the tickets, Riff.

586. Hey, Riff, thanks for the ticket.

587. Yeah, we couldn't have gone without you,

588. And everybody's gonna be there.

589. Yeah, we'll see you there. Goodbye.

590. Thanks. Have a good time.

591. We won't.

592. Can't go to the concert…

593. Oh, great…

594. Great day.

595. It may have taken me two million lawns to mow,

596. But it was worth it.

597. Hoo-hoo-hoo.

598. Look at all this stuff!

599. Color TV, stereo, wet bar, waterbed!

600. I'll tell ya, I never knew gettin' laid was so expensive.

601. OK, I hope I can remember everything you taught me, though.

602. Tom, you're nervous.

603. Here, have a drink. It'll calm you down.

604. Thanks.

605. Hey, and whatever you do, don't worry.

606. Since Riff lost her tickets to the concert,

607. You can move right in.

608. She'll be a pushover.

609. Besides, look how far you've come in three days.

610. Yeah, but the question is how far will she go tonight?

611. "If the unknown is 'Y' and the binomial is 'X',

612. what is the function of the equation 'Z'?"

613. Riff.

614. Riff.

615. Riff! Huh? Uh…

616. Oh, uh, the, uh,

617. The, uh, major export of Ecuador is kapok.

618. Very good, but that's geography, and this is calculus.

619. Ooh, sorry.

620. Look at your math book. It looks brand new.

621. I bet you've never even opened it.

622. I only use it on special equations.

623. Oh, I don't feel like studying tonight.

624. Yeah, I've gotta get home, anyway.

625. I'm expecting Tom to call me tonight.

626. You really like him, don't you?

627. Mm-hmm. I've been seeing a lot of him lately.

628. You have? Mm-hmm.

629. Eaglebauer says we were made for one another.

630. Oh, he did?

631. I think tonight could be pretty special.

632. Hello.

633. She's on the line.

634. Great. Just remember what I told you.

635. Yeah. Hello. Hello, Riff?

636. Hi. It's Tom.

637. Tom? Yeah, Tom Roberts. Football player?

638. No.

639. I talk about the weather a lot.

640. Oh, yeah. Hey, Kate, it's Tom Roberts on the phone.

641. Tom? Why would he call me here?

642. So how's it been?

643. Oh.

644. Little dry lately.

645. Yeah, but I hear it's raining cats and dogs in Idaho.

646. Yes. Yes! Oh, man, it's goin' great.

647. Great.

648. Listen, I'm just lying here in my new van,

649. On my beautiful waterbed,

650. Listening to the Ramones' brand-new album

651. On this fantastically expensive stereo

652. Wondering if you'd like to maybe go out tonight and get drunk?

653. All right.

654. Listen, I really wish you'd reconsider… what?

655. Sure, I'll go out with you tonight.

656. You can't do that. He's mine.

657. You will?

658. Just find a date for Kate, ok?

659. Great, I will. Listen, I'll pick you both up in about an hour.

660. We got it!

661. Riff, how can you go out with him?

662. I never thought about Tom until you mentioned him.

663. What?

664. It'd be a change for me, don't you think?

665. I never went in much for the jock type. Oh, cut it out.

666. What about me? What about tonight?

667. Don't worry. You'll be in the back seat with Eaglebauer.

668. He's lots of fun.

669. I don't wanna have fun. I wanna be with Tom.

670. Hey, I'm only kidding, Kate.

671. I wouldn't do that to you, huh?

672. I'll take care of Eaglebauer.

673. You can have Tom all to yourself.

674. Hmm? Shouldn't kid like that, Riff.

675. Shouldn't kid like that.

676. You know how hot I am for him. Hot?

677. Yes, hot. Whoa.

678. "Hot," off the lips of Kate. My goodness. Ha-ha.

679. Ha-ha, we did it! We did it.

680. I got you a date with Kate. Whoo-hoo.

681. Hot equals Joey Ramone.

682. No, hot equals Tom. Ehh.

683. Aw, I can't believe it. I can't believe it was that easy.

684. He looks like a little cherub or something. Looks like he's gonna fly away to Heaven.

685. He's so sweet-looking, kinda like a cream puff.

686. That's why I like him.

687. I like Joey Ramone 'cause he's tall and handsome.

688. He looks like a poem to me. A poem?

689. We get them drunk, we go in the back, we hit the waterbed…

690. We gotta take turns in the back.

691. All he eats is pizza.

692. I just love the way he holds the pizza dripping above his mouth.

693. He slithers and slides it into his mouth.

694. It's so sexy the way it…

695. Gross.

696. This is Screamin' Steve again,

697. And I've got two free tickets to tonight's Ramones concert

698. For the person who can call and tell me

699. What album this song is on…

700. "Questioningly." "Questioningingly."

701. What album? Oh, what album?

702. Oh, what is it? Is it Road to Ruin?

703. Yes, that's it! Oh, Kate, how'd you know?

704. It says it right here on the cassette.

705. Quick, where's a phone? Where's a phone? We've gotta get to a phone!

706. Right over there. Aah!

707. …Very special. What I'm trying to say is, dear, I'd like to ask…

708. This is very difficult. Please don't hang up.

709. I'd like to ask you to-to-to be my wife.

710. Sorry, but you're not my type.

711. Oh, please, God, don't let it be busy.

712. It's ringing.

713. Hello? Yes, the answer is "Road to Ruin."

714. Aah! We won! We won!

715. What? Yes, it's Riff Randell and Kate Rambeau.

716. Of course we'll be there. Yes, thank you. Oh, thank you.

717. Oh, we're going.

718. Oh, Kate, we're going, we're going. Oh, we're going.

719. Aah! What about Tom?

720. Oh, come on. How often do you get to see the Ramones?

721. Oh, but tonight we were gonna be meant for each other.

722. This is my big Chance to get my songs to them. We have to go.

723. You'll have a great time.

724. And the super-lucky winners of the two free tickets

725. for tonight's Ramones concert

726. are Riff Randell and Kate Rambeau.

727. Hello? Hello? Tom?

728. Kate and I can't make it tonight. We've been in a horrible seven-car accident.

729. We've gotta go to the hospital for immediate blood transfusions.

730. We'll see you tomorrow in school. Bye.

731. Aah!

732. I think he took it well. Let's go get dressed.

733. But I am dressed. Yeah, but not for the Ramones.

734. I got clothes that'll make you fit right in.

735. Come on, sexy.

736. The only thing I'll ever lay is a carpet.

737. You can't take this lying down.

738. You gotta crash that concert, grab her up into your arms.

739. Love conquers all.

740. Besides, I'd have to give ya a refund.

741. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.

742. Oh, sorry, Mantovani's down the block.

743. I'm hep, daddy-o. I'm into the Ramones.

744. Sure you are. Got any drugs?

745. Bottles? Cans? Cameras? Let me check ya out here.

746. Anybody got any glue?

747. Who's the geek in the beret?

748. How old's that guy? Look at the way he's dressed.

749. Oh, I'm sorry, we don't let any more mice in here.

750. They've been exploding all over the place.

751. Oh, you got headphones? Great, great.

752. Just don't get too close to the pa. Wait, here's your stub.

753. OK, go on in. Enjoy the show.

754. Get this guy. Is he chic, or what?

755. Really, have you ever seen anyone…

756. - Who's got the carbonas? - That's my songs.

757. Bottles, cans, cameras on ya?

758. No, nothing. Nothing.

759. OK, you're in.

760. Let's see what you got. Oh, this is nice.

761. That won't hurt anyone, will it?

762. Excuse me.

763. Nice ass.

764. Pinched me.

765. I'm lookin" for 'ludes.

766. Feel good? Yeah.

767. Let me see your pupils. You're stoned. This guy doesn't get in.

768. Kate, do you realize they're all really brothers?

769. Imagine being the only sister in the Ramones' family.

770. We want the Ramones!

771. I'm so lovin' it!

772. Come out, please, Joey!

773. We want the Ramones.

774. Hi, gang!

775. This is Screamin' Steve Stevens

776. Steamin' your way over Station 666

777. With the Screamin' Steve Show.

778. Oh, wow!

779. We're comin' at ya, alive and kickin',

780. With the hottest band this side of the iron curtain -

781. The Ramones!

782. You know it, Steve.

783. We love you, Ramones!

784. Dig it.

785. But first, I'd like to introduce the two winners

786. Of the Charity ticket raffle

787. Donated by the principal of Vince Lombardi High!

788. Togar eats it!

789. Sister Maria Teresa and sister Teresa Maria.

790. Now, that's a step in the right direction.

791. And to keep this administration moving forward,

792. I've made a list of new school policy,

793. Which I would like instituted immediately.

794. Take this down.

795. Girls - skirts below their knees

796. And boys' hair above their collar.

797. And I think it would be tidy if they wore neckties.

798. And lunch is to be cut down

799. To half an hour

800. Because I am doubling up on silent study hall.

801. Well, I think that should teach them a lesson in deportment.

802. How do you spell that?

803. D-e-portment.

804. Now I want you to meet the two winners

805. Of the Screamin' Steve ticket contest -

806. Riff Randell and Kate Rambeau!

807. Yay, Riff!

808. You're live on the air, girls.

809. Why don't you say a few words to the folks at home? Go.

810. On behalf of the students from Vince Lombardi High who are here tonight,

811. I'd just like to say one thing -

812. Screw you, principal Togar. We made it to the concert, anyway! Yeah!

813. Who says today's youth has nothin' to say, huh?

814. Those girls have turned the whole school against me.

815. Hansel, Gretel.

816. I want you to crash that concert.

817. I want Randell and Rambeau brought back here immediately.

818. So you're Kate Rambeau, huh? Yeah.

819. I just loved your latest Scientific American.

820. Thanks.

821. Hey, would you two lovely ladies

822. like to see Screamin' Steve in action

823. as he interviews the Ramones?

824. Oh, great. I know just the questions to ask.

825. That's beautiful, 'cause I can't think of a thing.

826. I've waited so long to see them. I know they're gonna love my songs.

827. I can believe it. Ya ready? Here we go.

828. Hey, you wanna keep it down out here?

829. They're tuning up. How'd you get in there?

830. Professional secret. What's this stuff?

831. Stuff is gonna prove to the Ramones that I can write songs for them,

832. So out of my way, dew drop.

833. I'm sorry, but the Ramones' manager,

834. A personal friend of mine,

835. Put me in charge of keeping everyone out.

836. What's all the trouble, Angel, baby, huh?

837. Screamin'. Well…

838. Good to see ya. Long time, right?

839. Uh, who are these two?

840. These are Screamin' Steve's contest winners.

841. Oh, uh, sorry, girls, you'll have to wait outside.

842. Oh, man… Can't we just watch?

843. Angel dearest, why don't you see these sweet young things to their seats?

844. We'll go ourselves, thanks.

845. It's gonna be ok. Yeah.

846. Screamin', I was wondering if you could give us a little more airtime.

847. I'm hittin' it once an hour.

848. You can do a little better.

849. Hey-ho, let's go!

850. Hey-ho, let's go!

851. Hey-ho, let's go!

852. Hey-ho, let's go!

853. Hey-ho, let's go!

854. Hey-ho…

855. Here they are - the Ramones!

856. Joey!

857. Dee dee! 1, 2, 3, 4.

858. That, Mrs. Rambeau, is where your daughter is.

859. My daughter Kate?

860. I thought she was in the basement splitting protons.

861. Oh, just as I thought,

862. Which is why I called a special assembly together tomorrow

863. To deal with this crisis.

864. I'm going to need every parent's help, so…

865. Listen carefully.

866. 1, 2, 3, 4.

867. Kate, she stole my songs.

868. Gimme those back!

869. Excuse me.

870. Hey, Riff!

871. She's got my songs.

872. Tackle her! Tackle?

873. You can catch her, Tom!

874. Oh, shit.

875. Whoa.

876. Thank you, Tom. Oh, thank you for saving my songs.

877. I always knew you were a terrific football player.

878. Yay!

879. Joey, Joey, Joey!

880. Tom? Tom. Tom, are you all right? Speak to me.

881. Riff, my head. Riff?

882. I've just been handed this note. It says, "Dear Ramones,

883. "all my friends from Vince Lombardi High are here tonight.

884. "Even though our principal Miss Togar thinks you make nothin' but noise,

885. I think you're the greatest."

886. Do you mean you signed up with Eaglebauer to be with me?

887. Yes.

888. Listen, I'm glad you're not Riff.

889. What do you say we become friends, anyway?

890. "Please dedicate your next song to my friends Tom and Kate.

891. Love, your number one fan, Riff Randell."

892. OK, this is for Tom and Kate, from our number one fan.

893. Yay!

894. 1, 2, 3, 4.

895. That's me.

896. Back, back.

897. Yay, Joey!

898. I told you you'd have a great time.

899. I am.

900. Maybe that's them in there. Oh, boy, we got 'em now.

901. Have you seen two young high school girls around?

902. Yeah, I got 'em on me.

903. Body search! Aah!

904. Is he all right?

905. Hey, pizza! Great.

906. What are you doing here? These are my songs.

907. I've been trying to get them to you for the longest time.

908. Hey, it's Riff Randell, our number one fan.

909. Oh, wow, you remembered my name.

910. This is the big time, girlie. This is rock-'n'-roll.

911. Yeah, well, this is "rock 'n' roll high school."

912. "rock 'n' roll high school"?

913. Yeah, I wrote it for Mr. McGree's music class,

914. But I really wrote it for you, Joey.

915. Hey, pizza! It's great. Let's dig in.

916. Yeah, I want some. Oh, thanks.

917. How many times do I have to tell you? No pizza for you, Joey.

918. More wheat germ and riboflavin.

919. Yeah, come on, Joey. Eat. Good.

920. I'm gonna eat some myself. Mmm. Mmm.

921. Organic alfalfa sprouts. Come on, Joey.

922. Good. Mmm. Come on, eat, Joey. Good boy. Yeah.

923. Mama'll love ya. You like it, huh? Huh? Good, yeah.

924. Iron, niacin, B12.

925. Grown from the earth. Good…

926. I'll cherish this moment forever.

927. This is how I like to see you, my son.

928. OK. OK, girlie, the boys'll take a look at 'em

929. And get back to you tomorrow, huh?

930. Yeah, we're gonna be in town one more day,

931. And if we like 'em, we'll come pay you and Mr. Mcglibb a visit.

932. Say hi to Vince for us. Oh, wow.

933. This is the happiest day of my life.

934. Gabba gabba, hey.

935. And I say to you parents,

936. This high school is a failure.

937. The past semester has been a black Mark

938. On the proud tradition of Vince Lombardi High.

939. Student Riff Randell alone has disrupted classes…

940. they can't say I haven't contributed anything.

941. …and banded the students against me

942. to attend a concert of the Ramones.

943. Hey, yeah! That's right.

944. …That awful rock and roll music.

945. You see before you my first major step

946. In putting this school back on the winning track.

947. I give you…

948. The Final Solution.

949. Those are our records.

950. Hey, gimme those.

951. And this is what we think of the Ramones…

952. We've gotta stop her!

953. Somebody stop her! She can't do that!

954. Hey!

955. Miss Togar,

956. I cannot stand by and allow you to do this.

957. Then stand aside, Mr. McGree.

958. Let me through.

959. She's burning our records! We gotta stop her!

960. I'll get the hose.

961. Togar!

962. That's the last straw, Randell.

963. Detention… For life!

964. Let's take the school.

965. My darling Evelyn, how I long for the feel of your luscious thighs.

966. See you later, Togar. It's already fifth period.

967. She's gonna call the cops.

968. Hey, come on, you guys. Follow me into the school.

969. I regret that I have only one life to give for rock-'n'-roll.

970. You belong in school with us, Mr. McGree. Come on.

971. Things sure have changed since we got kicked out of high school.

972. Oh. Where are you going? To Mr. McGree's class.

973. Well, I'm happy to see some students still are interested

974. In their studies.

975. We're not students. We're the Ramones.

976. Ramones? You're responsible for making that horrible rock-'n'-roll music?

977. You turned the whole school against me.

978. Do your parents know that you're Ramones?

979. Come on in.

980. Yay, Ramones!

981. Kill the principal!

982. Rock-'n'-roll high school is on the air again.

983. More exciting than study hall.

984. Hoy, hoy, hoy, hey, hey hey.

985. I'm really groovin', baby.

986. They're going to destroy the school.

987. I can't believe it.

988. Whoo!

989. Ooh…

990. Oh, students…

991. Oh, students.

992. What the hell…?

993. We've got ya now.

994. Get down, McGree. Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

995. Surf's up.

996. Call the national guard. They're causing a riot. These kids are…

997. The national guard?

998. But my children are inside that school.

999. Oh, dear.

1000. Get off, you little… God, you weigh…

1001. Whoa!

1002. Hey! Wait! We're in here!

1003. Wait, wait.

1004. You're gonna get it now, fat boys!

1005. Whoo! Nice garters.

1006. Whoo, sexy legs. Whoo, McGree.

1007. Firing line… Apple brown betty.

1008. We were only following the recipes!

1009. Firing line… The Tuesday surprise!

1010. No, no, not the Tuesday surprise.

1011. - Taste treat. - It's delish.

1012. Go get 'em, guys!

1013. Eat it, Vince!

1014. No, no. Oh, what the hell…?

1015. Oh, my God…

1016. Yeah!

1017. Demerit! Demerit!

1018. Demerit! Demerit!

1019. Come on up, and we'll bang your erasers.

1020. So what do you think of my school, guys?

1021. Boy, when you have recess, you really go all out.

1022. Consider yourselves officially enrolled in rock-'n'-roll high school.

1023. The facilities are yours. Do whatever you want.

1024. Go on, get out there! Yeah!

1025. Attention! Give it to me.

1026. Attention, students.

1027. Attention, students.

1028. Hey, quiet! Quiet, everybody! Listen!

1029. This is your principal Miss Evelyn Togar!

1030. I wanna speak to Riff Randell.

1031. Quiet! Come on. Into my office.

1032. I don't think it's working.

1033. I know how to… You don't think it's working?

1034. Start talking, Togar. It's your dime.

1035. OK, Randell. I know we've had our differences in the past,

1036. But I think it's time we tried to understand one another.

1037. I think the problem is clear.

1038. I am a reasonable, well-educated, mature adult member of society,

1039. And you are a spoiled heathen punk who has taken over my school.

1040. So let's make a deal.

1041. I can have you expelled and turned over to the police.

1042. But I'm gonna forget about that

1043. And just put one black Mark on your permanent record

1044. That will follow you throughout the rest of your life…

1045. …If you'll just come out of there right now.

1046. I don't think one more black Mark is gonna make too much of a difference.

1047. Eaglebauer, your partner, comes through again. All right.

1048. Here's what I think about your school records, Togar!

1049. You handled that very well, Miss Togar.

1050. What's that?

1051. I don't know. I…

1052. Miss Togar!

1053. Well, now they've done it. Destroying government property.

1054. I think ya failed, Miss Togar. I think we're gonna have to do it my way.

1055. I think you're right.

1056. Randell, I just talked to the chief of police.

1057. You're not out in five minutes, he's going to Storm the building.

1058. Well, you heard it, folks.

1059. Miss Togar has just given the students of rock-'n'-roll high

1060. An ultimatum.

1061. A classic confrontation between mindless authority

1062. And the rebellious nature of youth.

1063. The moment of truth is at hand. What will these kids do next?

1064. Boy, this sure is rock-'n'-roll high school.

1065. Yeah, we liked it so much, we're gonna play it on our next album.

1066. To show our appreciation, we're gonna make you an honorary Ramone.

1067. Hey, guys, people say that your music is loud

1068. And destructive and lethal to mice,

1069. But I think you're the Beethovens of our time.

1070. That was a good one, Mr. McGree.

1071. Kate, is it a go? It's a go.

1072. All right! Everybody follow me. We're gonna evacuate.

1073. I guess we should rush the building.

1074. Not so fast. Look.

1075. They're coming out.

1076. It's over.

1077. We won.

1078. Ladies and gentlemen, school is out.

1079. It appears as if the final bell has rung for these students.

1080. Has Riff Randell given up?

1081. Has she and her fellow classmates

1082. Failed Miss Togar's final exam?

1083. Is this the end of rock-'n'-roll high?

1084. Just what do you have to say for yourself, young lady?

1085. I have seen the errors of my ways.

1086. I'd just like to say to all students everywhere

1087. That you may think the school is yours for a while,

1088. But it's always run by the principal and her administration.

1089. That's nice.

1090. Vince Lombardi High is…

1091. is your school, Miss Togar,

1092. so you can have it.

1093. Well, I'm very happy to see that you've come to your senses.

1094. And what would you have done with the school, anyway?

1095. Rock the roof off it. Hit it, Marky!

1096. It's so loud.

1097. Those Ramones are peculiar. They're ugly…

1098. Ugly, ugly people.

1099. What can I do for ya?

1100. Yay!

1101. Detention. Detention. Detention. Detention.

1102. Well, that about wraps it up here at rock-'n'-roll high.

1103. Remember, if your principal ever gives you trouble

1104. And you want this to happen at your school,

1105. You just give old Screamin' Steve a call.

1106. I'm in the book under "screamin'"!

1107. …The End…