Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain (2021)

1. It is considered useful

2. and enlightening and therapeutic

3. to think about death for a few minutes a day.

4. What actually happens to my physical remains

5. is of zero interest to me.

6. I don't want anybody seeing my body, I don't want anybody—

7. I don't want a party.

8. "Reported dead."

9. Unless it could provide entertainment value to—

10. I mean, in a perverse or subversive way, you know.

11. I mean, if you could throw me into a wood chipper and punt—

12. you know, spray me into Harrods,

13. - you know, at, uh,

14. you know, middle of the rush hour,

15. that would be pretty epic.

16. I wouldn't mind being remembered in that way.

17. What the fuck am I doing here?

18. I shall explain.

19. One minute I was standing next to a deep fryer,

20. and the next, I was watching the sun set over the Sahara.

21. I realized that one thing led directly to the other.

22. Had I not taken a dead-end dishwashing job,

23. I would not have become a cook.

24. Had I not become a cook, I would never have become a chef.

25. Had I not become a chef, I never would've been able

26. to fuck up so spectacularly.

27. Had I not known what it was like to really fuck up,

28. that obnoxious but wildly successful memoir I wrote

29. wouldn't have been half as interesting.

30. And I'm not gonna tell you here how to live your life.

31. I'm just saying, I guess, that I got very lucky.

32. You're probably gonna find out about it anyway,

33. so here's a little preemptive truth telling.

34. There's no happy ending.

35. He committed suicide, the fucking asshole.

36. How are you gonna make this?

37. Is it— is this gonna— I mean—

38. Of course what you want to talk about,

39. that's kind of where the gossip goes, that's kind of—

40. But it's not really what you want to make.

41. No, I want to make a film about

42. why he was... who he was.

43. You know.

44. I don't know. That's why I'm here.

45. Do you know what I mean?

46. That's why I'm here.

47. Hi. This is Tony at Les Halles, 411 Park Avenue South,

48. for delivery Monday please.

49. I need one Spanish onion, one loose carrot,

50. two shallot unpeeled,

51. one case frozen fava bean and one case miel de provence.

52. That'll do it. Thank you.

53. Where is my fucking fish?

54. I would never be late.

55. My cooks would never be late.

56. How can the fish guy be late?

57. It's why all chefs are drunks.

58. It's because we don't understand

59. why the world doesn't work like our kitchens.

60. - Oh, hold on. If you guys are hun—

61. It's just baba ghanoush. It's—

62. I mean, it's not a very nice display,

63. - I know Tony. Cool.

64. Thanks, baby.

65. - What would you like? - Um...

66. - Apple juice. - Apple juice? Apple juice?

67. Or cranberry. I don't care. Whatever we have more of.

68. Happiness is a fresh pack.

69. First thing in the morning.

70. I mean, before I brush my teeth.

71. I mean, I roll out of bed, light a cigarette,

72. stumble into this room, and, uh, I start,

73. uh, I start writing immediately.

74. I always use language to get out of trouble.

75. You know, I found at an early age,

76. if I made everybody in the class laugh,

77. that was power.

78. I came from a household with a lot of books.

79. In fact, the first book I remember reading was

80. a book called Why Johnny Can't Read,

81. which I stole from my mother.

82. She was anticipating that I would have

83. a difficulty reading because I was already exhibiting

84. antisocial tendencies.

85. Uh, I pinched the book and, uh, basically taught myself

86. to read, uh, by kindergarten.

87. And then, you know, my early heroes

88. were, uh, musicians and-and writers.

89. The idea that you could have adventures,

90. no matter how antisocial, and then make them

91. somehow legitimate by writing something beautiful about them,

92. that concept took an early hold on me.

93. I wasn't serious enough about anything

94. to actually do any writing until '93.

95. But, you know, when I was given the opportunity, I did it,

96. and, you know, kept doing it.

97. The whole business fills me with terror, frankly.

98. Hey.

99. How are you doing, man?

100. - You guys know each other by now. -Yes.

101. Let me see if Rocco's over.

102. What was it about Tony with big knives?

103. They were never sharp enough.

104. You know, he's— he'd just always—

105. When he came over for Thanksgiving, uh,

106. I was gonna carve the turkey, and then he took over.

107. He was very short with me about

108. how I wasn't taking care of my knives.

109. - Hey. -Tony saw you when you were just born.

110. Remember that?

111. My relationship with Tony

112. has always been as a writer.

113. He was such a powerful writer right from the start.

114. He was on business in Tokyo for the first time.

115. And he was writing me a series of emails.

116. He was back in his room, and he-he did

117. one of those bursts.

118. "The jet lag wouldn't let me sleep,

119. "so I crashed late and rose early,

120. "plunging blindly down dark streets at all hours.

121. "The streets were unbelievably dense with pedestrians,

122. "people hanging around, flashing neon,

123. "flapping banners, more screaming signs,

124. "pimpy-looking young men in suits and patent leather shoes

125. "surrounded by dye-blonde Asian women

126. "in thigh-high boots and micro-mini skirts.

127. "No one, and I mean no one, would meet my eye

128. "with a direct gaze.

129. "I was the quiet American, the ugly American,

130. "the hungry ghost, searching and searching

131. for whatever came next."

132. I loved it. I loved it,

133. and my wife Karen, who was a book publisher,

134. was in the living room breastfeeding the baby.

135. I printed out the email

136. and I went, "Karen, you have to read this."

137. Am I allowed to curse?

138. Does anybody curse when they talk about this?

139. I read it and I just went, "That is fucking awesome."

140. I was like, "Okay,

141. I'm gonna make him an offer

142. basically he can't fucking refuse."

143. He came back and then we sat down.

144. I said, "So Joel tells me,

145. you know, you have a lot of stories."

146. And he goes, "I have so many stories.

147. I'm so excited to tell them."

148. He said, "I already have a title for it."

149. I said, "What's the title?"

150. And he said, "Kitchen Confidential."

151. And I said, "I love it. Let's do it."

152. What do you think about Tony Bourdain anyway?

153. Yeah, what do you think about that guy?

154. He's cool. Huh?

155. It was like, "Will you write this book?"

156. "Yes."

157. "Can you write it in eight months?"

158. "You're damn right I will."

159. You know, you should talk

160. to Tony's agent,

161. Kim Witherspoon.

162. I don't think Tony was afraid of failure,

163. and that was hard-wired.

164. He was the kind of person who thought,

165. "Well, you know, what the fuck?

166. Let's just try it and see how it turns out."

167. Anthony Bourdain, who has worked as a chef

168. for 28 years, reveals some surprising and disturbing

169. trade secrets in a new book calledKitchen Confidential.

170. Chef Anthony says the truth

171. about bread in a restaurant,

172. how you should prepare your meat when you order it,

173. and also the truth about fish

174. could make you sick.

175. I was in a cranky mood after my last restaurant closed

176. and, uh, felt no reason not to tell the truth about

177. a business I both love and, uh, have mixed emotions about.

178. Kitchen Confidential is a memoir

179. of Tony's life in the kitchen and the salty adventures

180. that he had with his cooks.

181. It was kind of lawless.

182. You know, a lot was broken, as Tony used to say.

183. Mr. Bourdain is the executive chef at Les Halles.

184. He found success

185. and a full-blown heroin habit at an early age.

186. I had a dope problem, a cocaine problem,

187. but by '88, I pretty much cleaned up my act.

188. The dietary supplement that every chef needs.

189. I take around ten of these a day.

190. It's an aspirin/Tylenol mix.

191. Call 'em crunchies.

192. Let me take you on a notional joyride

193. through our menu tonight.

194. We have grilled salmon with sorrel sauce.

195. Veal kidneys.

196. These kidneys are really good, by the way.

197. Those of you into water sports will find much to love.

198. From the first time I met him, I remember thinking,

199. "Oh, wow, you're, like, tall and handsome and funny.

200. "But you're kind of a big nerd.

201. "You're nerding out on everything,

202. and you're a little awkward,"

203. and I love that about him.

204. "At Les Halles, life goes on as always,

205. "the same crew showing up on time every day.

206. - "Eddy,

207. "Carlos and Omar, Isidoro and Angel.

208. "They're still with me, and I hope they stay with me.

209. "My bosses, however, when they read this,

210. "will really prove themselves patrons of the arts

211. if they don't can me right away."

212. So you didn't fire him?

213. I didn't fire him.

214. I didn't know it was being written.

215. I didn't know it was going to be published.

216. Uh, one day, I arrived at the restaurant,

217. and I just said, "What happened?"

218. You're fucking kidding me.

219. I was told today that on, I guess, the 12th of this month,

220. it'll be number seven on the TimesBest Seller list.

221. 'Cause it was on 20, wasn't it? And then, uh...

222. I mean, I'm getting congratulatory calls,

223. and they're telling me I have a best seller.

224. Uh, really, it's scary.

225. No, it's exciting. It's wonderful.

226. Yeah, I just—

227. Anything that happens beyond that door

228. - I'm suspicious of.

229. He was always behind in the rent,

230. always behind his, you know, payments

231. and-and-and living from paycheck to paycheck,

232. like in a pressure cooker.

233. So when there was this opportunity, he-he was ready.

234. "By the time I was 43,

235. "I really thought that I had had all my great adventures,

236. "that the entertainment and excitement segment

237. of the program was long over."

238. What's up? - Thank you.

239. That was cool.

240. "I was comfortably ensconced

241. "in secure digs with a wife who still remarkably

242. found me to be amusing on occasion."

243. What? What are you doing? You're giving interviews?

244. What are you— you media hoe.

245. "I had a job I loved in

246. "a successful restaurant, and I was alive, for Christ's sakes.

247. I was still around."

248. I don't cook at home.

249. I-I just— I'm too, uh— I would love to tell you,

250. you know, I go home and-and cook

251. fabulous, uh, little snackies for-for my wife.

252. - I would be lying if I told you that.

253. It's more like, "Honey, call out for Chinese."

254. "There are, it turns out, a million ways

255. "to say 'Suck my dick.'

256. "And like all great performances,

257. "it's about timing, tone and delivery,

258. kind of like cooking."

259. - Thanks.

260. - You know, all the TV chefs are

261. so cuddly and adorable, you know.

262. Maybe I'm the— sort of like the antidote or something.

263. - You know? I don't know.

264. For me, it happened overnight.

265. I mean, one minute, I was a cook at a restaurant,

266. and not a particularly great one, and the next,

267. I was an author, and it was literally overnight.

268. It fell in my lap.

269. Joining me now is Anthony Bourdain,

270. author of Kitchen Confidential.

271. Anthony Bourdain...

272. Chef Anthony Bourdain...

273. Here's Anthony Bourdain.

274. What-what do you think about these guys

275. - like Emeril Lagasse and those guys on the Food Network? -Wow.

276. Y-You're asking me to, you know,

277. kick Santa Claus in the crotch on television.

278. - I mean...

279. My life gets more and more ridiculous.

280. Apparently, Brad Pitt will be playing me in a movie.

281. Yeah, guess what's, uh, tomorrow.

282. What's tomorrow? - Oprah.

283. No! You're kidding me!

284. This is Anthony Bourdain.

285. His book Kitchen Confidential

286. is a New York TimesBest Seller.

287. I was born to cook.

288. I loved satisfying people's appetites.

289. Next, I'll be, uh, doing the lambada with Emeril.

290. Bam! Just a little...

291. I'd hate myself.

292. Thanks.

293. Oh! Whoa!

294. - Ah. - Tony Bourdain rocks!

295. What's up, man? Everything good?

296. - Life is good. - Yes, yes.

297. We're celebrating Tony's book.

298. - Come here, girl. Get in here. Hi.

299. - How you doing? - Good.

300. - This is Tony. - Hi.

301. - Howdy. - Oh, congratulations.

302. We're having a good time.

303. Oh, oh, the next one?

304. No, the next one, I'm doing something called

305. A Cook's Tour.

306. Basically, I'm gonna travel around the world,

307. eating exotic food and having adventures in the Far East

308. and Africa and South America...

309. with a crew chasing me.

310. Hey, John, come here.

311. You know, my 15 minutes of

312. quote, unquote "fame," uh, you know, when that's over,

313. uh, I will be perfectly comfortable with that,

314. if not relieved.

315. I think even relieved at this point.

316. When I met him for the first time,

317. he had made a splash with Kitchen Confidential.

318. I had read that he had a contract

319. to write a second book calledA Cook's Tour,

320. and I called him.

321. - Yes? - And I said,

322. - "Hey, I'm a producer." - Doing good.

323. "Would you ever even consider

324. makingCook's Tour into a series?"

325. And he, you know, he was like, you know,

326. "Yeah, uh, whatever."

327. - You know? "Sure." - Sure.

328. He was very nonplussed about the whole idea

329. of doing anything in television.

330. It was not what was on his mind.

331. Bye-bye.

332. A week and a half later,

333. Chris Collins and I

334. went up to Les Halles.

335. We found Tony,

336. shot a demo with him

337. and had a conversation with him.

338. And it became immediately clear he had never traveled.

339. Lydia and I were far greater world travelers

340. than Tony Bourdain.

341. His travels were in his head.

342. You know, I want to go to faraway exotic places

343. with palm trees and where teenagers in army uniforms

344. carry machine guns.

345. Growing up as a kid, you know, I watched The Crimson Pirate.

346. You know, all pirates and bad guys

347. having great adventures.

348. Tony's view of the world

349. emanated from books and from films.

350. Almost in an encyclopedic way,

351. he could grab all these references.

352. And I think he was excited

353. to go on this journey

354. to see if the reality

355. actually matched the imagination.

356. That moment when we set out

357. in December of 2000, it's indelible.

358. Our first journey was, um, for six weeks.

359. And remember, we'd only spent one...

360. one day with Tony leading up to that moment.

361. The image of Tony, I mean, it was, I think,

362. a guy who, at that moment, was very unsure

363. of what was about to happen.

364. This way.

365. You know, I'm looking at

366. a strange and, uh, unpredictable future

367. in a tough business with rules

368. that I'm not com-completely familiar with,

369. and when I become familiar with them, I...

370. you know, I don't know whether I like them that much.

371. We hit the road together,

372. just the three of us.

373. Lydia and I had just gotten married.

374. And then we had Tony, a guy who we barely knew.

375. So it was like three idiots

376. trying to figure each other out.

377. The first shoot was Japan.

378. Like, we didn't know what we were doing.

379. He definitely didn't know what he was doing.

380. And Tony immediately became uncomfortable and awkward.

381. What we would find out very quickly is

382. Tony was actually a very shy human being.

383. And to get him to make eye contact or to interact,

384. it wasn't his natural state.

385. You know, life on the road with Tony Bourdain

386. just isn't all it's cracked up to be.

387. You know what I mean?

388. The man can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes.

389. In fact, I got this cold sore on my lip now,

390. and it's due to stress,

391. stress over Tony's lack of communication.

392. That, compounded by the fact

393. that we were in Japan being sort of led into scenes

394. where there was a lot of, kind of, formality involved,

395. you know, all of those factored into him being

396. quiet,

397. which was like the worst possible thing.

398. Mmm. Oh, wow.

399. Spectacular.

400. I mean, Chris and I went

401. back to the hotel and basically

402. looked at each other and said like...

403. We're fucked.

404. Chris, can— Chris, take a picture of

405. me and Lydia as we come back with the sun behind her,

406. pointing up the mountain towards the farmhouse

407. as we walk up past the yellow triangular sign.

408. Thank you.

409. Okay. Here we go.

410. Okay.

411. I mean, to be honest, I'm not totally alone,

412. 'cause clearly somebody is shooting this.

413. I always love those, like, desert scenes,

414. "I'm alone in the desert."

415. Yeah, but who else's footprints are those?

416. You know, one of those things. But-but look.

417. This is pretty cool.

418. And it does feel pretty cool to be walking—

419. Well, I'll tell you this: I'm having a lot more fun

420. walking forward than the cameraperson is

421. walking backwards, I'm sure.

422. Was that a groan?

423. - Yes, it was.

424. We went from Japan to Vietnam.

425. That's when things started to kick in to a different gear.

426. My good friend Phillipe Lajaunie,

427. uh, pulled in, uh, semi-unexpectedly last night.

428. We're ready for, uh, ready for our adventure?

429. I joined them on that first trip in Vietnam,

430. and he was enjoying himself

431. and being less cynical.

432. Hey.

433. Floating Starbucks over here.

434. I'll have a double latte, uh, mochaccino please.

435. Oh, that's great.

436. Kicks the shit out of Starbucks.

437. "I love Vietnam.

438. "Maybe it's a pheromonic thing, like when you meet

439. "the love of your life for the first time.

440. "She just, somehow,

441. "inexplicably smells and feels right.

442. "You sense that, given the opportunity, this is the woman

443. you want to spend the rest of your life with."

444. We had common desire

445. to spend time in Vietnam, maybe forever.

446. That was our secret bond.

447. And of course, the movie Apocalypse Now

448. was one of his top

449. three movies in his life,

450. uh, because it combined so many things:

451. Vietnam and the war and-and the book, the Heart of Darkness.

452. We just started doing

453. all of this self-indulgent film references,

454. and I suddenly realized, "Wait a minute.

455. This-this filmmaking thing can be fun."

456. You know, it's a big crayon box.

457. We can actually enjoy this.

458. Why am I here? Am I insane?

459. You know, he used to say,

460. "Don't ever let me do TV.

461. Thing is like, if I ever do TV, shoot me."

462. And, you know, at first, it was awful.

463. Where do cooks come from?

464. The answer to this and other questions to follow.

465. And then very quickly—

466. he's such a good student, he's so freaking smart—

467. he, like, figured it out.

468. Chris, Lydia, I love you.

469. You know that, right?

470. But I got one night in Bangkok here, okay?

471. So not even 24 hours we're laying over here.

472. You want to do a whole goddamn show in 24 hours?

473. Fine. Okay?

474. But... forget about blocking out.

475. No plan and you better be fast.

476. I'm gonna have a good time. We're gonna roll.

477. And if you don't get it, you don't get it.

478. Catch it in editing, as we like to say.

479. What started to grow

480. at that moment was this understanding,

481. "Tony, you don't need to tell us everything.

482. "You need to experience this and ask questions.

483. "That's how we're all gonna learn from this place.

484. "It's not you being a travel guide.

485. It's you being open to this experience."

486. Oh, Jesus.

487. Look at this.

488. Look at this thing.

489. Look at the roe just popping out everywhere.

490. Just in— Whoa! Whoa.

491. Come back. Come to papa.

492. If there is any dish

493. that comes closest to perfection,

494. this is it, you know.

495. This is bumping up right up against the walls of heaven.

496. Ah, man.

497. We've reached the mountaintop.

498. And trying to think, you know,

499. "What do I want?"

500. It would be nice to buy something

501. that will fulfill some hollow part of my soul,

502. but I can't think of, you know, anything.

503. Maybe a car will do it. I-I don't know.

504. I mean, shit, my rent is paid.

505. That alone is spectacular.

506. I mean, I-I...

507. I'd like to live like a normal person.

508. That was always my thought, that-that if I get

509. enough money, I'll be able to live like a normal person.

510. But I don't even know what that is anymore.

511. I read Kitchen Confidential at that time,

512. and I call him.

513. And I invite him to have lunch with me

514. because I want to meet the man.

515. And he shows up with a-a TV crew.

516. I thought this was a jackpot.

517. This was one of my idols.

518. I was just absolutely freaked out.

519. Incredibly sophisticated, refined,

520. clean, beautiful,

521. impeccably presented.

522. Eric's food is like

523. the craft performed at its highest level.

524. When I meet him,

525. I don't expect him...

526. to be so articulate.

527. And he has amazing

528. good manners at the table.

529. And I think at the end of the meal,

530. we said we should meet again.

531. And, um, and we did.

532. Served with foie gras mousse and notes of...

533. I think what was not a struggle—

534. I don't know if "struggle" is the right word,

535. but the challenge was to be real,

536. stay real, and at the same time,

537. be the host of a TV show.

538. You have to

539. exaggerate a little bit.

540. This is like driving a Rolls-Royce naked

541. in mink underpants.

542. Just so over-the-top luxurious.

543. I think the person

544. that people experienced on camera was

545. someone who seemingly had this incredible ability

546. to engage with anybody he came across.

547. It's like the un-muscled James Bond

548. who could kind of swan into scenes.

549. There was that persona that was created over time.

550. I am looking for

551. extremes of emotion and experience.

552. I'll try anything. I'll risk everything.

553. I have nothing to lose.

554. The story wasA Cook's Tour

555. was about a guy who smoke and drank

556. and ate his way around the world.

557. That was true.

558. Part of the pitch was,

559. "And he's gonna eat really weird shit, too."

560. Let's-let's do the nasty.

561. They don't seem to have their mise en place together.

562. I have my mise en place together

563. when I'm making steak frites.

564. It seems to me, you know, when you're making live cobra,

565. you know, you should have your operating stuff laid out.

566. You know, where's the cutting board, the knife?

567. Scissors?

568. You know, eating

569. those kind of things was for camera, was for network,

570. was for all the reasons people do that.

571. It's like, you know,

572. it's a little salacious,

573. like he's eating a live, beating cobra heart.

574. Cheers, folks.

575. Feels strong.

576. It kind of pumps on its way down, too.

577. And I think that persona

578. followed him for a number of years, but over time,

579. that burned off and it became Tony.

580. Going back to the ancestral homeland,

581. and maybe we'll discover some things along the way.

582. So this is my father and a little friend in France

583. in a little oyster village in the Gironde.

584. This is one of my favorite pictures, also.

585. Uh, my brother and I in the same spot.

586. We didn't do a lot of travel

587. when we were kids 'cause my parents were not rich.

588. We did go to France a couple of times

589. because my dad had relatives there.

590. I'm nervous.

591. Whoever thought we'd do something this goofy?

592. This isn't goofy.

593. Our childhood as American kids,

594. we really got into Tintin books,

595. which Americans say "Tin-Tin."

596. This was a graphic novel about this young reporter

597. who travels all around the world

598. and ends up with all of these amazing adventures.

599. I think it was actually, in some ways,

600. an inspiration for Tony's life.

601. This is an oyster boat

602. similar to the one on which I had my first oyster.

603. "I blame my first oyster

604. "for everything I did after: my thrill-seeking,

605. all my hideous screwups in pursuit of pleasure."

606. "I was miserable and angry."

607. - Damn! We didn't get those when we were kids.

608. - No, no. - He-he!

609. "I bridled bitterly at

610. "the smothering chokehold of love and normalcy in my house.

611. "Call it a character flaw, of which drugs

612. were simply a manifestation."

613. - Outstanding, Corporal! - Most excellent.

614. "A petulant 'fuck you'

615. "to my bourgeois parents, who'd committed

616. the unpardonable sin of loving me."

617. - I'm really glad we got a chance to do this. -Me, too.

618. We're older and more mature now.

619. Yeah. Okay.

620. - Yeah, let's do another one.

621. - Yeah. - Okay.

622. All right, um, take two.

623. "Two years ago, frequent flyer miles meant nothing to me.

624. Today, miles earned are the pathetic milestones of my..."

625. - Top? - Yeah, start at the top.

626. All right, take three.

627. We would write the voice-over

628. in the beginning.

629. Like, we need context for what we're seeing.

630. We need

631. some summary of the scene.

632. "Later, I'm on another swing through Southeast Asia

633. "with layovers here and there.

634. "First stop, Singapore.

635. A quick business dinner with my editor, Ilangoh T..."

636. "Tanalaban"? "Tanadab—" "Tana—" Is it— No.

637. - Thanabalan. - Thanabalan. Okay.

638. "Later, I'm on a..."

639. Tony would come to the narration,

640. and he'd be like, "What is the shit?"

641. You know what I mean? And so...

642. he would start scratching things out.

643. And, you know, first it started with a word or two here

644. or a sentence or two here.

645. You know, and then he became, like,

646. maniacal about it.

647. "... book tours, the TV show, I travel for a living.

648. "I've committed to memory the SkyMallmagazine.

649. "The electronic watering timer, $49.99.

650. "Duty-free restrictions:

651. one liter alcohol, two cartons of smokes."

652. "Cobbler for dessert? I don't think so.

653. "Airport to airport, city to city,

654. "I'm starting to feel like a modern-day Willy Loman.

655. "Time zone to time zone, country to country,

656. this, it appears, is my life."

657. He really understood, like,

658. "This is an extension of me.

659. "This is an extension of my writing.

660. "I better write in my voice.

661. "You know, otherwise this is gonna sound— I'm gonna sound

662. like a tr-travel television host rather than a writer."

663. "Making TV was becoming

664. "creatively satisfying.

665. "I wrote the book and yet continued filming.

666. "The tail now wagged the dog.

667. "I was hooked on travel, on seeing the world,

668. "and on the terms I was seeing it.

669. "I was on the road for the better part of two years,

670. "during which time everything in my life changed.

671. "I stopped working as a chef, a job whose daily routines

672. "have always been the only thing

673. "that stood between me and chaos.

674. My first marriage began to fall apart."

675. They were together almost 30 years.

676. You know, he was

677. a traditional romantic.

678. He believed that you could

679. meet your high school sweetheart

680. and spend the rest of your life with them.

681. They were like, you know,

682. Sid and Nancy.

683. They were like two people conspiring against the world.

684. It was a love born out of youth and rebellion.

685. Great.

686. Nancy, I hope your divorce lawyer

687. is paying close attention to this footage.

688. Feel free to depose anyone on this crew at any time.

689. This, too, of course, is part of life's glorious mosaic.

690. Nancy had no interest in fame

691. or being tied to fame, but it just

692. was like a rebirth for Tony.

693. It was like he died and-and was reborn.

694. I mean, this was a new person with a new life.

695. "I wrote a crime novel

696. "around that time in which the characters' yearnings

697. "for a white-picket-fence kind of a life reflect my own

698. "far more truthfully than any nonfiction I've ever written.

699. "Shortly after that, I cruelly burned down

700. my previous life in its entirety."

701. That dying glow in the background is, uh,

702. I think the fuel depot from the airport...

703. There we are on the balcony in my room,

704. nervously emptying out the minibar, uh,

705. watching jet fuel cook off at the airport.

706. We had gone there to shoot a show

707. for the Travel Channel about how Beirut was

708. this renaissance of thought, feeling and energy,

709. and we shot two scenes,

710. and then shit went south really fast.

711. There was a border incident with Israel.

712. Hezbollah had kidnapped some Israeli soldiers,

713. and basically, uh, we got caught up in a war.

714. Hold on. Let me, uh...

715. Todd, exactly how disgusted and anxious are you?

716. We're damn lucky to be here.

717. We're spending all this time at the pool,

718. watching helicopters come in and out.

719. It was just a waiting game for us.

720. We had to go in the basement

721. because there was a lot of bombs by us.

722. They knocked down our house.

723. You know, look at us in those scenes.

724. You know, we're sitting around the pool,

725. getting tan,

726. you know, watching a war.

727. If there's a single metaphor in this entire experience,

728. that...

729. you know, that's probably it.

730. Not a flattering one.

731. When they arrived back,

732. the first thing he said was,

733. "We cannot make a show out of this.

734. I refuse to exploit this experience in that way."

735. Needless to say, the network saw it differently.

736. There's just no neat sum-up to the story.

737. He stopped doing the...

738. rosy sum-up of what we just saw.

739. He just stopped.

740. In the few years since I've started

741. to travel this world, I'd found myself changing.

742. I'd begun to believe that the dinner table was

743. the great leveler.

744. Now I'm not so sure.

745. Maybe the world's not like that at all.

746. Maybe in the real world, the one without cameras

747. and happy food and travel shows,

748. everybody, the good and the bad together,

749. are all crushed under the same terrible wheel.

750. I hope—

751. I really hope I'm wrong about that.

752. That ambiguity,

753. that's what he embraced.

754. Fucking open-endedness is where the answers are.

755. It was an embittering experience.

756. It got all of us thinking about, you know,

757. what's important in life.

758. Oh, it's recording.

759. Oh, my God.

760. You look like an idiot.

761. Come on, say something, Mr. Anthony Bourdain.

762. This is, uh, our vacation video,

763. and we're gonna show this to our children.

764. Welcome to my video.

765. Welcome to my first independent film.

766. My spring vacation.

767. Ow, ow, ow!

768. - Come on, I'm driving.

769. How do you say that in English?

770. Is this a bad thing?

771. Tony was single,

772. and Ottavia worked for me.

773. Tony called me and he-he said, "Who is this girl, Ottavia?"

774. And I said, "Well, have fun.

775. You know, don't take it seriously."

776. Eric thought, you know,

777. we were the perfect match for those

778. occasional, you know, rendezvous.

779. You drive like Grandma.

780. What do you mean? Does Grandma drive like this?

781. Oh, here, look, no hands.

782. - [tires squeal, horn honks] - Oh, yeah.

783. I thought he was gonna be this

784. bad boy, a little bit arrogant,

785. and not what I was expecting but endearing nonetheless.

786. Perfetto.

787. But you know what the show's about?

788. - No. - It's about a,

789. about a existential crossroads in my life.

790. You look bored already.

791. I am.

792. You saw they were pretty smitten.

793. I mean, he always has

794. really appreciated very strong women.

795. She would cut him no slack.

796. This is a load of.

797. What are the chances this scene is gonna end up

798. - on the cutting room floor? - Zero.

799. Even if we fight.

800. Now, that would be good television, see?

801. - We should fight.

802. A couple of months later,

803. we are in a restaurant, and she's toasting him

804. at the table, and I see tears in his eyes.

805. Real tears.

806. And we're like, "Oh, my God, he's in love."

807. Okay, let's do some romantic thing.

808. What, like— No.

809. - Get that...

810. Tony was like the teenagers,

811. like, falling in love for the first time.

812. They changed their clothes and the music

813. that they're listening to, and pieces of him that you thought

814. you knew were... shifting.

815. Were you shocked when Tony had a kid?

816. I was shocked.

817. I had asked him

818. how come he didn't have kids, and he's like...

819. "It's just not something I ever see myself doing, ever."

820. For most of my life,

821. I wouldn't have been a good father.

822. Too self-involved, too messed-up on drugs.

823. And also afraid.

824. The thought of being frightened for a child,

825. you know, I was not up to that kind of fear.

826. Any doubts I might have had kind of dissipated

827. when I realized how happy, how happy, excited he was

828. that he was gonna become a father.

829. - No phone. No phone?

830. Okay. Okay. That's okay.

831. - That's okay? - That's okay.

832. - Yeah? It's okay, Dada? - Come on. Come on.

833. - Okay, a little hug? - Come on.

834. Come on, now. Okay, okay.

835. - Okay, okay. - Okay.

836. - Come on. Come on, Appa.

837. - Appa. - Appa? What about your appa?

838. One, two, three.

839. But what does the doctor look like?

840. Well, hello. I'm Dr. Tony.

841. What seems to be the problem here?

842. I'm here to help you get all better.

843. - [whooping, cheering] - Hooray! -Yeah!

844. We should help all people when they need help.

845. Hey, that reminds me, I have to get back.

846. - Bye.

847. This is my life.

848. I wake up.

849. I walk my daughter

850. to her summer camp.

851. You know, I have a few minutes of normal family life,

852. then I, like, take the elevator downstairs,

853. and there's yet another...

854. Yo, Anthony! How you doing, boss?

855. Hey, what's up, man?

856. Are you on the job?

857. Yo, this guy's got the best show on TV.

858. Tony got really famous.

859. Like, every two minutes, it seemed,

860. someone's going up to him.

861. "Hey."

862. You know, "Tony, I'm a huge fan.

863. "Can I take a photo?

864. "Can you talk to me?

865. What are, what-what are some travel tips? Would I—"

866. It-it was just incessant, nonstop barrage.

867. He got a kid and he wanted to be a good husband to Ottavia,

868. and... everything changed, man.

869. For him.

870. I'm food bad boy Tony Bourdain.

871. There's nowhere I won't go and nothing I won't eat,

872. as long as I'm paid in emeralds and my hotel room has

873. a bidet that shoots warm champagne.

874. Ladies and gentlemen, Anthony Bourdain.

875. And that's when I was like,

876. "Tony, like, what the fuck, man?

877. "Like, how do you maintain your cool

878. and your composure and you're nice?"

879. I'll never forget this. He's like, "Listen.

880. "Me being nice to someone and being gracious to them,

881. "if that's my job, it certainly beats

882. being middling line cook at a struggling restaurant."

883. Do you have anything resembling a normal life?

884. No.

885. I'm asking this 'cause the answer for me is no.

886. I want to say no, 'cause I just visited my friends.

887. I haven't seen them in many years.

888. - Right. - And I felt I just—

889. I couldn't relate.

890. - I mean, it's like... - I know, I know.

891. And I-I understand those, but-but, but... yeah.

892. I'm a freak.

893. - They only... - Fucking hell. Jesus.

894. Oh, is this so interesting?

895. - What are we waiting for?

896. Is there...

897. We're always at the ready.

898. I'm about to give birth to a big fucking alien baby

899. at any moment.

900. It's-it's gonna be huge.

901. All right, why don't we take five, then.

902. - Take five. - Holy crap. Jesus.

903. And you're...

904. How many days of straight shooting you have?

905. Don't ask me that.

906. The international narco trafficker

907. Tom Vitale was arrested in Amsterdam just recently.

908. On examination at the local precinct,

909. they found he'd swallowed

910. a record-breaking 90 bolitas of cocaine.

911. What made it into the shows was,

912. as far as I was concerned, the least interesting...

913. parts of the trip.

914. Welcome to another episode of 24-Hour Fuck-over.

915. He was a control freak in a lot of ways.

916. You couldn't win an argument with him.

917. Just because there was an idea, he would challenge it.

918. Do you have any lines for me?

919. Maybe you can feed me something.

920. Rome at dusk. There's really no place like it, is there?

921. Uh, romance is in the air.

922. - Who says that? - We're here for two days.

923. When? When at any point in my life

924. have I ever said that?

925. Occasionally you feel inspired and you say something

926. really nice that makes me tear up.

927. Not today, I guess.

928. Well, I would say his barometer

929. for bullshit in general was extremely sensitive.

930. But if he felt we were bullshitting,

931. I mean, that's like kind of the ultimate sin, right?

932. You're gonna walk down along the canal...

933. You'd have to sort of

934. lead from behind with him.

935. What kind of fascist regime is this?

936. Because when Tony wanted to leave,

937. Tony would leave.

938. I mean, stopping him had to be physical.

939. Like putting my body in between him and the escape route.

940. Keep him away from me.

941. No, no, no.

942. Yeah, I've had enough, man.

943. Too, too fucked-up.

944. Well, my day's ruined.

945. Really? No.

946. All right. Goodbye. - I'm gonna burst into tears.

947. Yeah, that's pretty good, huh?

948. In the beginning, it was just

949. Chris and Lydia shooting with him.

950. They did that for several years

951. and then brought in a whole team of people,

952. many of them who stuck around to the end.

953. This is for you.

954. - Oh!

955. - You might need this later. - Oh, I will.

956. It was pretty much

957. the most formative years of my life.

958. There will be blood.

959. There were these battling

960. sort of teams on the show.

961. Hi, Diane. Diane.

962. Hey! Hey!

963. Zach introduced a little something

964. called the-the lens change.

965. I think Tony liked me

966. for a couple reasons.

967. One was that, you know, I enjoyed fucking with Tony.

968. You know? I mean, it was—

969. Uh, we all sort of fucked with him in our own ways.

970. You know, it was very competitive,

971. and so the bar got pushed every single episode.

972. Tony was in on everything.

973. Every show was something that was important.

974. Every show had his care in it.

975. Every show potentially had his wrath.

976. I mean, how many emails I got,

977. "Tell editor to un-fuck itself."

978. And I had to translate that to the editor.

979. He would say that the greatest sin is mediocrity.

980. "Aspiring to mediocrity.

981. "There is a grim, inevitable

982. "and all too predictable trajectory

983. "to the passage of a good episode of television.

984. "People aren't as stupid as your minions clearly believe.

985. - "They don't need the truth

986. "pounded home with meaningless platitudes

987. "or bland, generic sum-ups.

988. - They'll get it."

989. And it goes on for several pages.

990. "Don't empower these squirrel-balled nerds

991. "by letting them get their way.

992. "They will then nibble this show to death

993. "like hungry ducks.

994. As always, best wishes and respect, Tony."

995. And this was written to somebody

996. he truly liked and respected.

997. It bothered him if everyone liked the show.

998. He was like, "It should create conversation."

999. How old is he?

1000. D-Does he even remember the planes?

1001. He was a child.

1002. He doesn't remember.

1003. Doesn't remember. All these years...

1004. He was a shockingly countercultural voice.

1005. I mean, so many of the countries I worked in with him

1006. were still dealing with the fallout

1007. from whatever America had done.

1008. For him, it's losing everything,

1009. uh, because he's the...

1010. the head of the family, feeding the family.

1011. Um, so after losing

1012. his arms and his legs,

1013. uh, it's-it's a great disaster for his life.

1014. - Uh, he wants to know if you are afraid

1015. - of seeing the-the reality.

1016. Ah. Afraid?

1017. Um, uh, no.

1018. It-it hurts, but I think that's appropriate.

1019. You know, it should. I think Americans—

1020. every American should see the results of war.

1021. I think it's, uh...

1022. the least I can do is to-to see the world with open eyes.

1023. You'll notice that, in general,

1024. I'm not myself.

1025. Where's the snark, the attitude?

1026. Well, what do you say to this?

1027. I honestly don't know.

1028. People are not statistics.

1029. Surely there's value in-in showing the little things.

1030. How's business for her? Uh, can you ask her?

1031. Not re— not really good this time.

1032. - Not good? - No.

1033. I mean, the country's situation,

1034. people don't have any income, any money,

1035. so they can't buy food in the street.

1036. So you can imagine that.

1037. That, see— that why you see a lot of

1038. guys here begging, you know.

1039. "Can you buy me some food? Can you give me something?"

1040. The biggest issue

1041. that we dealt with was trying to be,

1042. you know, the fly on the wall and-and going into a place

1043. and not having an effect.

1044. Like, this episode is a prime example of just trying to help,

1045. and it rearing its ugly head.

1046. We have all this leftover food.

1047. Tony's like, "Let's just give it to the people here."

1048. You know, they're hungry, and of course mayhem ensued.

1049. Larger kids were just, like, throwing younger kids

1050. out of the line, and it was a very ugly scenario.

1051. I think Tony ultimately saw that

1052. it wasn't just food.

1053. There's suffering in this world,

1054. and that seems to be omnipresent.

1055. How do you spend time with people

1056. and-and-and you empathize with their plight—

1057. How does that not change you fundamentally?

1058. Whee. Whee.

1059. You going to outer space?

1060. Yes.

1061. Going higher.

1062. He was traveling 250 days a year,

1063. and, you know, when you come back home,

1064. you have to be a husband, you have to be a father.

1065. With the little time he had,

1066. he was very attentive.

1067. Sandcastles on the beach, all day long.

1068. I think it was a surprise

1069. and shock for him, that late in life,

1070. to experience that kind of love.

1071. Can I use this hand?

1072. That's okay. Use that hand.

1073. We'll pull that out and use that hand for the crumbs.

1074. It's okay.

1075. It moved him to his core.

1076. And I think he was constantly aware

1077. of, like, not wanting to screw it up.

1078. Are you really in this country right now, or is this a mirage?

1079. I-I am my stunt double.

1080. Couldn't you get someone better-looking?

1081. Yeah. Oh!

1082. Fans of the show think he had

1083. the greatest job in the world, but it was one that

1084. there was no way to ever escape from.

1085. Couldn't really go home for a day and not be

1086. Anthony Bourdain.

1087. What kind are you making?

1088. Cookie. What's the best kind?

1089. I don't know. Uh, are you observing child labor laws?

1090. His daughter used to do this joke

1091. where she would get up and say, "I'm Anthony Bourdain."

1092. Hi. My name's Anthony Bourdain.

1093. "You may know me from such TV shows as..."

1094. Maybe you know me from such shows as, uh...

1095. She knew that her father

1096. and Anthony Bourdain were very separate entities.

1097. - You're picking that nose

1098. pretty hard there, young lady.

1099. Oh! God!

1100. "I'm through being cool.

1101. "Or, more accurately, I'm through

1102. "entertaining the notion that anybody could even

1103. "consider the possibility of coolness emanating from

1104. or residing anywhere near me."

1105. Everybody kick to the camera.

1106. Hi-yah!

1107. "The essence of cool, after all,

1108. "is not giving a fuck.

1109. And let's face it, I most definitely give a fuck now."

1110. You know, my whole life,

1111. I was like a kid with my nose pressed against the glass,

1112. like, wondering, you know, "What must it be like to, like,

1113. "have a kid and, you know, a normal family

1114. "and-and stand in the backyard with this silly apron,

1115. you know, barbecuing burgers?"

1116. - So when I find... - Can I get a picture of that?

1117. - ... when I find myself

1118. doing that, I am, like, ridiculously, stupid happy.

1119. Like, I do a lot of pretty cool shit now.

1120. I travel all over the world, I see all these amazing things,

1121. but I'm never happier than when I'm standing in-in the backyard

1122. being, like, TV dad, because...

1123. I-I feel normal.

1124. You know? Whatever the hell that means.

1125. Yeah, what does that mean?

1126. I live a very strange life.

1127. I try to make up for it when I go home

1128. by cooking aggressively.

1129. Like, I try to kill people around me with food.

1130. You know, like, "Eat, eat, you know.

1131. Why aren't you eating? Don't you love me?"

1132. He straddled the world of

1133. being the domestic guy,

1134. but that pull for the experience outside—

1135. you know, like as if it was gonna slip away

1136. if he wasn't there— was equally as great.

1137. He was always rushing.

1138. He was rushing everywhere.

1139. He was rushing to get into the scene.

1140. He was rushing to get out of the scene.

1141. Rushing to get out of the country.

1142. Rushing to go somewhere next, even if he had nowhere to go.

1143. Traveling the Earth alone

1144. is what I'm accustomed to being on a tour.

1145. And as fathers, we bonded over that feeling

1146. and feeling like,

1147. "I'm here to give a piece of myself away."

1148. And, um, as the years go on, that can be difficult.

1149. Close. - The wind. That was the wind.

1150. Right. We got to, we got to, you know, factor that in.

1151. There we go.

1152. And we just hit it off.

1153. What do you call an eternal optimist?

1154. An accordion player with a beeper.

1155. It's hard to make friends.

1156. To be at the tip of the spear,

1157. it's like asking for loneliness.

1158. Oh!

1159. Oh, yeah.

1160. That motherfucker bled out already.

1161. Straight to the jugular.

1162. Yeah. Can you make it three?

1163. - Well, cheers to that. - Cheers.

1164. I always think of, "Yo, ho, ho, a pirate's life for me."

1165. That's-that's what I think.

1166. I mean, that's...

1167. But you've been, you've been touring for...?

1168. Since I was 18, yeah.

1169. You know?

1170. You know, but it's weird.

1171. I-I'm home for— I'm ridiculously happy for a week,

1172. and then I start getting, like, crazy,

1173. like I should be doing something.

1174. I call it the bittersweet curse.

1175. Nothing feels better than going home.

1176. And nothing feels better than leaving home.

1177. - Yeah, you got a point. - You know?

1178. I loved watching him pick up influence

1179. as he went along through life.

1180. He's a great American storyteller,

1181. and he started off as a voyeur.

1182. He's watching these and detailing these great tales

1183. of what you're seeing.

1184. And then, all of a sudden, he's starting to live

1185. those stories that he's telling.

1186. He's starting to look inside.

1187. "I think I said earlier

1188. "that I was gonna tell you the truth.

1189. "This is part of it.

1190. "I was unqualified for the job.

1191. "I was in deep waters and fast-flowing ones at that.

1192. The currents could change at any time without warning."

1193. "Like a lot of travelers, I started to turn inward

1194. "from the view out the window,

1195. "started to see what was going on out there

1196. through an ever-narrowing lens."

1197. It is written that I should be loyal

1198. to the nightmare of my choice.

1199. I think I now understand what that means.

1200. You want to be my pilot?

1201. Yeah.

1202. I don't see what the problem is.

1203. Weather looks fine to me.

1204. I'm sure we'll be fine.

1205. Wow. Nice.

1206. Security situation good, weather not so good.

1207. Are you frightened, by the way?

1208. Yeah, look at him. Look at him. He's scared shitless.

1209. I don't like flying.

1210. I think that the Congo was,

1211. without question,

1212. the most dangerous place we ever made the show.

1213. It was something that couldn't be done.

1214. That was a big part of it, and we're always gonna figure out

1215. a way to do something that couldn't be done.

1216. Everyone gets everything he wants.

1217. I wanted to see the Congo.

1218. And for my sins, they let me.

1219. This is a place I read about as a boy.

1220. InHeart of Darkness, Conrad described it as

1221. a twisting snake with its head in the Atlantic Ocean

1222. and its tail buried deep in Africa's heart.

1223. Congo was a fulfillment

1224. of an enormous dream.

1225. In our little fantasy, we were having

1226. our Apocalypse Nowmoment.

1227. We've rented a trusty vessel,

1228. and I shall dub thee the Captain Willard.

1229. Tony was finding ways

1230. to push himself towards his not just understanding of the world

1231. but understanding of himself.

1232. Are you an assassin?

1233. I'm a soldier.

1234. It's like, which character is he

1235. in that film?

1236. They say my methods are unsound.

1237. Are my methods unsound?

1238. Do you think my methods are unsound?

1239. I haven't seen any method at all, Colonel.

1240. In Congo, he got to be someone

1241. who has pushed himself into the lunacy of a world

1242. without law,

1243. without order, without structure.

1244. He got to stand there

1245. with a three-foot machete

1246. and direct the assassination of chickens.

1247. When you get really deep into travel,

1248. I think there's an itch that you want to scratch

1249. that is out on the edge of that envelope,

1250. where chaos rules.

1251. Because it strips away all of the functional artifice of

1252. how we go through our life,

1253. and it leaves you with just the sensory experience.

1254. Anthony Bourdain,

1255. the renowned chef and best-selling author,

1256. has a new program, Parts Unknown,

1257. and it showcases Bourdain's gift

1258. for finding the essence of a country or a culture.

1259. Is it about the journalism,

1260. or is it about the tourism?

1261. Is it about the people? Is it about the food?

1262. It's a strange combination of

1263. food, politics

1264. and a decisively personal point of view.

1265. His reports from Israel, the Palestinian territories,

1266. Mexico and Lyon, France, were simply superb.

1267. He's traveled roughly

1268. 662,000 miles—

1269. around the globe

1270. 26 times.

1271. Uh, you know, I actually went to Tangier

1272. because you had gone there.

1273. And you've had a big impact on me.

1274. Tony was very aware

1275. of his own ability to promote other people's voices.

1276. But I do think that,

1277. even though we moved to CNN,

1278. he won a Peabody and several Emmys,

1279. he began to question who was benefiting from these shows.

1280. Okay, so we're just gonna set up a shot with the TV.

1281. Me laying on the bed, watching CNN.

1282. Okay. - Libya news.

1283. This is CNN.

1284. It is Friday, January the 25th.

1285. I'm Kristie Lu Stout. This is...

1286. I'm not a news fan.

1287. I'm not a journalist.

1288. I'm not an advocate. I'm not an educator.

1289. I'm not looking to inspire or, uh...

1290. I don't have a political agenda.

1291. If anything, I like very much going to a place

1292. thinking one thing and being completely wrong

1293. about all of it.

1294. He was a journalist and he was political,

1295. but he was a storyteller.

1296. And he didn't realize, I think,

1297. how political he was.

1298. We tend to see places

1299. in the Middle East and Africa in particular—

1300. we only see them when bad things happen.

1301. If you just follow the news, you'll be reminded about

1302. kidnappings in Algeria, unrest in Tunisia,

1303. terrorist cells to the south, deadly riots in Egypt,

1304. and of course Islamic extremist attacks in Benghazi

1305. that killed the U.S. ambassador.

1306. All those things are very real concerns.

1307. But if you only look at what's on the news,

1308. you can miss maybe what's a bigger picture.

1309. You can literally see it

1310. as he goes and travels more and more and more.

1311. It was almost never about food, you know?

1312. I think it was about Tony

1313. learning how to be a better person.

1314. You know, I try to emulate Christ

1315. in small ways every day.

1316. You do?

1317. Yeah.

1318. And I mean that in a,

1319. in a completely non-disrespectful way.

1320. No, no, I can imagine.

1321. I mean, you're trying.

1322. You are inspiring so many people with the show.

1323. You have a good karma.

1324. Can't believe you say that.

1325. - Yeah. - Good karma?

1326. I think so.

1327. Well...

1328. - Doesn't this concern you... - This is a good karma.

1329. as a Buddhist?

1330. - Look we're sitting here in Provence. -Yeah.

1331. - So? - Wait a minute.

1332. - We just had this fantastic meal. -Yeah.

1333. We're moving on to the 2011 after the 2010.

1334. Life, admittedly for you, has been pretty sweet.

1335. Yeah.

1336. - Isn't that worrying to you? - No.

1337. We're sitting in Provence. It's like a wine label.

1338. The next life cannot possibly be better than this.

1339. It's probably gonna suck.

1340. Enjoy every minute of this now, Eric.

1341. And pray.

1342. Pray, pray that this is it,

1343. because if you're right and there is a next life,

1344. we are fucked, my friend.

1345. I may come back as a sea cucumber,

1346. but you're coming back as, like, a Yorkie.

1347. Or, you know, if you're lucky.

1348. I'll take the Yorkie.

1349. At the end of the day, Tony's dark as fuck, man.

1350. Give you an example.

1351. Like, everyone asked Tony's fucking favorite music,

1352. and he would always give the same bullshit answers,

1353. like, uh, uh, "96 Mysterios" or that fucking song.

1354. - He loved that song. "96 Tears."

1355. "96 Tears."

1356. And he loved, um, "Super Fly"

1357. and, um, and Curtis Mayfield's soundtrack.

1358. There's no downers in the fucking bunch.

1359. This was what Tony told me was his favorite song.

1360. He loved this fucking song.

1361. It's a great song.

1362. But it's heroin music.

1363. In the early '70s,

1364. this is where I lived.

1365. You know, back then, if you brought us heroin,

1366. we would've said, "Ah, cool.

1367. I'll totally— I would like to try some of that."

1368. It wasn't like I fell into it or accidentally got addicted

1369. or, you know, "Oh, really, it's addicting?

1370. Gee, how'd that happen?" No, I knew.

1371. He never really dealt with

1372. the insecurity and all the issues

1373. that put him down that road to begin with.

1374. You know, it's a lot easier

1375. when you talk to Choe about this,

1376. 'cause, like, that motherfucker is so dark.

1377. People forget Anthony Bourdain was a junkie.

1378. Like, he's a drug addict,

1379. and I'm also a junkie.

1380. I don't do drugs, but I do everything else.

1381. Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous,

1382. Gamblers Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous,

1383. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

1384. Uh, I-I go to all the meetings.

1385. I'll tell you something

1386. really shameful about myself.

1387. The first time I shot up,

1388. I looked at myself in the mirror with a big grin.

1389. You know, something was missing in me.

1390. Some part of me wanted to be a dope fiend.

1391. My whole life was leading up to that point.

1392. In my mind,

1393. it was my first step towards being an artist.

1394. Do you think a-a certain level of dissatisfaction

1395. or unhappiness is an integral part

1396. of the creative process?

1397. I think even great art can be created

1398. when you're happy, but I think the best art in the universe

1399. is created through intense suffering.

1400. So then, do you put yourself in a situation

1401. where you're constantly in pain?

1402. And the answer to that question is yes.

1403. That's just about everybody I know.

1404. I don't know what this says about me.

1405. I think it was one of

1406. the first conversations I ever had with him.

1407. I was like, "Hey, I know I'm just meeting you,

1408. "but I-I don't know one heroin addict

1409. "that has quit cold turkey besides you.

1410. Tell me how you did it."

1411. I got through, but, you know, my case, it was like

1412. I looked in a mirror and I...

1413. I saw somebody worth saving, um,

1414. or that I wanted to at least try real hard and save.

1415. Um...

1416. you know, nobody...

1417. nobody saved me.

1418. And he goes, "You just work."

1419. When he told me that, I bought into it

1420. when I first met him.

1421. And then as I got to know him more,

1422. I realized it jumped.

1423. The addiction jumped.

1424. When he threw himself into something,

1425. he threw himself completely.

1426. Jujitsu was a good one

1427. because he got super healthy.

1428. He looked great. He stopped smoking.

1429. He felt energized.

1430. He felt powerful.

1431. Oh.

1432. Abort.

1433. I started at 58.

1434. My wife is a fairly high-level competitor

1435. and, uh, trains every...

1436. Higher level than you are?

1437. W-Way, way beyond

1438. - where I'll ever be. - Yeah.

1439. Ottavia wanted to be able

1440. to kill anyone who came at their daughter.

1441. So that's where the initial jujitsu interest

1442. in that family came from, and it was a good thing for Tony

1443. to be obsessed with for a while.

1444. There is this aspect of problem-solving

1445. under pressure that it was really appealing to him.

1446. Step over!

1447. But anyone who gets into jujitsu

1448. becomes, like, impossible to be around.

1449. I know because... from experience.

1450. At a certain point, you're like,

1451. "Dude, come on, stop talking about fucking jujitsu."

1452. I don't know anything about jujitsu.

1453. Like, I can't have this conversation,

1454. and yet I'm on like hour 150 talking to you about jujitsu.

1455. I mean, his attention and focus

1456. was so strong, but there was always a timeline.

1457. I don't think there was anything that would have

1458. lasted forever in his world.

1459. No person, place, thing, interest.

1460. I have to show you first.

1461. Can-can I show you once? Okay.

1462. Then you skip one and you go down.

1463. Then you skip one and you go down.

1464. Then you come back up and...

1465. It always seemed like what he wanted was,

1466. you know, this, uh, idyllic picture of, like, you know,

1467. a family and ordinary life.

1468. No. - Come on, you were doing it...

1469. But then when he got it,

1470. I don't know if it was...

1471. I don't know.

1472. Yeah.

1473. After a while, maybe that wasn't enough anymore.

1474. You devoted your book to family.

1475. Yep.

1476. The joys of being normal.

1477. And now you've-you've split.

1478. - Yep. - So I just, like—

1479. are you rethinking about being normal

1480. - or where's your... - Well, I mean, what is normal?

1481. I think, you know, what does the American family look like?

1482. I mean, I travel 250 days a year.

1483. You know, how normal could I ever hope to be?

1484. Tony and I had been pretty much

1485. living separate under the same roof for...

1486. for quite some time.

1487. You know, even if we didn't work out

1488. as a married couple, you know,

1489. we're still really good friends and our focus was Ariane.

1490. That romantic love kind of dissipated

1491. after he started traveling so intensely,

1492. and then we couldn't follow him.

1493. It flowers once every five years.

1494. That's all.

1495. I'll be back before it flowers again.

1496. Cross my heart.

1497. He was devastated.

1498. He was losing his home base.

1499. And it left him incredibly vulnerable.

1500. I think Tony did blame himself.

1501. And I think it also left him wondering

1502. whether or not he was lovable.

1503. Is it worse to be someplace awful

1504. when you're by yourself or someplace really nice

1505. that you can't share with anyone?

1506. I mean, I have an email that he sent me

1507. that-that haunts me

1508. that was just straight-up...

1509. you know, out of the blue.

1510. "David, this is a crazy thing to ask..."

1511. "... but I'm curious

1512. and my life is sort of shit now."

1513. "You are successful and I am successful.

1514. "And I'm wondering:

1515. are you happy?"

1516. I know how hard that must've been for him

1517. to even write that email.

1518. To-to reach out to someone and be like,

1519. "Hey, man, I'm not doing well."

1520. The era of his life with

1521. his child and Ottavia...

1522. I think it was sort of an interruption of his trajectory.

1523. Did he change course in the last two years?

1524. No, he got back on track,

1525. which was not the greatest track.

1526. Hi, Tony. How are you?

1527. I'm all right. Here?

1528. Outstanding. Good.

1529. That's awesome.

1530. - I even brought a note—

1531. I took notes.

1532. - I was thinking of all my...

1533. all of my ailments and problems.

1534. I haven't done this since

1535. I was, um...

1536. uh, I was a teenager.

1537. My parents caught me with drugs,

1538. and as part of the deal, I saw a therapist briefly.

1539. And what did you feel about it?

1540. It's-it's exhausting.

1541. I mean, I do tend to have

1542. a sort of a manic personality.

1543. Everything is going really, really great

1544. or it's not going great.

1545. It can happen at any time. It's a random thing.

1546. One minute, I'm okay, everything's going all right,

1547. and then suddenly it's— one little thing

1548. just sort of sets me off, and then I find myself,

1549. uh, you know, increasingly, uh, thinking—

1550. I do, I do, I do, I think about, like,

1551. momentary fantasies of harming other people or myself.

1552. Like I want to kill somebody or choke them

1553. or break their arms.

1554. Uh, I think about that a lot.

1555. I'd like to be happier.

1556. I'd like to be able to be calmer.

1557. I'd like to be able to relax.

1558. I'd like to be able to, you know, look out the window

1559. and say, "Yay, life is good."

1560. - And you don't? - No.

1561. Never?

1562. Uh, maybe a few seconds here and there.

1563. There is a line

1564. during your life of loneliness

1565. or-or feeling like "I want to kill somebody."

1566. I think that maybe you should start thinking,

1567. "Do you really want to change anything?"

1568. Do you really want to-to change

1569. the way you feel?

1570. I suspect it's too late.

1571. I love this car.

1572. - I'm having car envy.

1573. We were both, like,

1574. constantly talking about that movieVanishing Point.

1575. He liked fast cars, as well.

1576. I love fast cars.

1577. And then we became pen pals really for years

1578. and, um, talked about everything.

1579. His whole entire personality

1580. was that of a searcher.

1581. I just know that he was definitely searching

1582. for something, and-and...

1583. it was kind of agony for him.

1584. It's this relentless instinct

1585. to fuck up a good thing.

1586. I think it's something that people on TV,

1587. people who write, people who cook, share.

1588. This difficulty in giving love and receiving love—

1589. they just don't quite know how to do it.

1590. A lot of people loved him a lot.

1591. I don't know if he believed it.

1592. So, what do you think?

1593. I mean, in a metaphysical way,

1594. - when you look back on your life... Yeah.

1595. for me, I always feel

1596. this little unease, like, you know...

1597. You feel you haven't suffered enough yet

1598. - or you haven't done enough... - How the fuck did this happen?

1599. - Or yeah. You know?

1600. - How-How'd this happen, you know? -No.

1601. No, I know.

1602. I'm still curious.

1603. You seem like a curious person.

1604. - It's my only virtue. - You're— There you go.

1605. - All right.

1606. Curious is a good thing to be.

1607. Given your life...

1608. what thrills you?

1609. What just thrills the shit out of you now?

1610. Uh, this is very embarrassing, but— It's really embar—

1611. Being loved and actually appreciating

1612. the people that are giving that to me.

1613. Whenever you guys are ready,

1614. - the cameras are rolling. All right.

1615. We're ready to go.

1616. All right, you're up?

1617. So, uh, where are we?

1618. But don't mention the name of the place.

1619. - I mean, turning the napkin over... -No. Why?

1620. Well, we don't— you don't want to blow this place up.

1621. I don't give a shit.

1622. I mean, you've been eating here for how long?

1623. Since I was a, since I was a kid.

1624. So you would come in here and see nothing but Americans?

1625. Nothing but?

1626. - Nothing but? - Well, yeah.

1627. - I mean, just an army of... - Well, yes,

1628. so nobody busts my balls.

1629. Okay, then. We are at the...

1630. So, giving up on that.

1631. Okay. There we go.

1632. H-How many generations of filmmakers in your family?

1633. Mm, a lot.

1634. Cheers.

1635. When Tony met Asia, he's like,

1636. "She's the best. Oh, my God, she's so great."

1637. You know, and, like, when you were in high school

1638. and you got laid for the first time or something.

1639. You know, I'm happiest when life is

1640. kind of like a film.

1641. So, y-you're happy in the illusion.

1642. - 'Cause film is an illusion. - Yes.

1643. Yeah, I am.

1644. No, me, too. I-I understand you.

1645. He seemed really happy with her.

1646. You know, I was like, well,

1647. he found someone he wants to be with.

1648. You know, I'm happy for him.

1649. He told me that she was very insecure

1650. about their relationship, so he just asked me

1651. to stop posting pictures of us on social media.

1652. And-and I think he really thought

1653. he was doing the right thing

1654. to make sure that the person he loved felt secure.

1655. Is that a normal urge?

1656. For humans? I want to be normal?

1657. I want to be like everybody else?

1658. I kind of wanted to be like everybody else

1659. when I was a kid, at least for a while.

1660. I-I didn't understand why I couldn't be.

1661. I think people are happier

1662. when they feel like they belong somewhere.

1663. - I just, I-I... - That's why I'm never happy

1664. because I feel I never belong.

1665. I knew who she was,

1666. but he never would use her name.

1667. He would say "crazy Italian actress" in all the emails.

1668. All I know is that he wrote to me a few times

1669. and said that it was gonna end very, very badly,

1670. and that was way back.

1671. Um, he knew it.

1672. Oh!

1673. I bring you to the best places.

1674. - Fuck Michelin.

1675. Michelin?

1676. His last relationship,

1677. I guess when you look at it, it's not that surprising.

1678. In many ways, it feels elliptical

1679. from the-the very beginning.

1680. Now, some of you might ask,

1681. "How is this food-related?" Fuck if I know.

1682. I guess if I crushed my skull on a rock,

1683. parts of me will become part of the food chain.

1684. It was one that had,

1685. at its center, um, extremes.

1686. It's as if he can't feel in the mid-zone.

1687. You know, life is about

1688. finding a cliff worth jumping off.

1689. I felt he was like,

1690. "I'm gonna look for something feral and wild."

1691. Perhaps that is something to do with age

1692. and all of a sudden finding yourself alone.

1693. This is called, um...

1694. - Are you guys up? - Why are you filming me?

1695. This is called

1696. "Our Wolf Lady of the Wolf Flowers."

1697. Ah, that's great.

1698. You know, I have a-a John Lurie over my bed.

1699. I saw. No, you posted it.

1700. That was nice that you posted that.

1701. No, I love it. It makes me very, very happy.

1702. - Does it? - Yes, it does.

1703. So he had a dark sense of humor.

1704. He wasn't Edgar Allan Poe. You know what I mean? He—

1705. There was a lot of light around him.

1706. There really was.

1707. Bring another one.

1708. No. I mean, especially, like, I'm away and I come back

1709. - and I walk into my room... - There it is, yeah, yeah.

1710. I-It feels— the room vibrates at a frequency

1711. that makes me comfortable and-and happy.

1712. That's cool.

1713. Thank you. Eggs, the perfect food.

1714. - Thank you, sir. - Eat that.

1715. We were supposed to have lunch.

1716. And I said, "I want to go somewhere quiet

1717. where nobody knows us."

1718. And he just sort of stopped in his tracks and said,

1719. "I'm becoming agoraphobic."

1720. And then I saw the pain in his face.

1721. Maybe he needed some time away from it all to reflect a minute

1722. and then start again kind of thing, you know?

1723. I don't...

1724. It seemed like he was about to go on to something else.

1725. His life started to feel smaller and smaller.

1726. He couldn't go as many places.

1727. He couldn't be out in public as much.

1728. I could see him whittle away.

1729. So, places like the empty quarter

1730. of the Arabian Desert started to really resonate for him.

1731. To just sit on the edge of

1732. the largest sand desert in the world and stare out into it...

1733. feeling like it's something

1734. that's bigger than him and not about him.

1735. He often talked about how,

1736. in an ideal world, he wouldn't be in the show.

1737. Uh, it would be his point of view,

1738. like a camera moving through space,

1739. without having to see him at all.

1740. "Travel isn't always pretty.

1741. "You go away. You learn.

1742. "You get scarred, marked, changed in the process.

1743. It even breaks your heart."

1744. He was very stressed

1745. and very weary and very exhausted.

1746. He did talk about quitting.

1747. It happened like a couple of years ago.

1748. He asked to see Chris and I at a bar.

1749. It was very dramatic.

1750. He was like, "I can't live my life like this anymore."

1751. "I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm done with you people.

1752. "Every band comes to an end.

1753. It's time for us to break up and go our separate ways."

1754. "You know, I've broken one family.

1755. "I'm in this other relationship that I care very deeply about

1756. and I want to make it work."

1757. And Lydia looked at Tony and said,

1758. "Then go do it.

1759. "Go do it.

1760. "Don't sit here and talk about it and whine.

1761. "Get up and go. Leave.

1762. "Move to Italy, set up.

1763. We will support you. We will be your friend. Go."

1764. "Like, if you're done with this,

1765. it's okay."

1766. I don't know. Maybe he was expecting us to, like,

1767. grab him and say like, "No, don't go.

1768. It's not over. What can we do?"

1769. He couldn't move.

1770. It's really kind of sad.

1771. It's like,

1772. "Then sit the fuck down and let's talk this thing through."

1773. And we said, "We'll figure out a way to make this thing work,

1774. you know, so it's good for you."

1775. Okay. Here we go.

1776. "Hong Kong.

1777. To fall in love with Asia—"

1778. Oof, Asia.

1779. "To fall in love with Asia is one thing.

1780. "To fall in love in Asia is another.

1781. "Both have happened to me.

1782. "It's a gift, a dream, a curse,

1783. "the best thing, the happiest thing,

1784. "yet also the loneliest thing in the world.

1785. "I've been to Hong Kong many times before,

1786. but not like this."

1787. If I die before I'm 40 years old,

1788. that shoot probably had something to do with it.

1789. At the last second,

1790. the director gets sick.

1791. I had my gallbladder removed.

1792. Michael's gallbladder, I swear to God.

1793. So, obviously I can't go, and then Tony immediately,

1794. like, sees an in.

1795. He gets them to all agree that Asia should direct this.

1796. W-Well, like, okay.

1797. In-in man— in some ways, on this side,

1798. this is giving him some kind of, like, intense resurgence

1799. of, like, creative energy.

1800. And so we-we ran with that.

1801. - Asia? - I think...

1802. Back in one sec.

1803. We're getting too much good stuff...

1804. I know, but...

1805. in too short a period of time.

1806. Let's mo— let's move and-and move. Yeah.

1807. And w-we're getting too much.

1808. It's like, I mean,

1809. at this point, it's like, to everybody, I'm thinking,

1810. "Stop saying so much great stuff."

1811. Oh, my God. - So happy.

1812. - Food's ready.

1813. Asia, the food's ready.

1814. It seemed like so many years of us

1815. shaping and creating this thing, all of a sudden,

1816. was thrown out the window,

1817. and it was just, you know, anything goes.

1818. So what is your...

1819. what is your hope?

1820. What do you hope will happen to change your situation?

1821. To-to be honest, um, I'm not big fan of hope.

1822. Um, hope is...

1823. Hold on one second.

1824. Let me reset.

1825. In the middle of this heartfelt scene

1826. with these two asylum seekers, we're stopping...

1827. I hold my hand or h-hold the thought?

1828. and telling them to hold

1829. their thought and to, like, redo it,

1830. as if we're filming a movie or something.

1831. - Uh, add one. - Three.

1832. 35 milli— uh, centimeters.

1833. You know, breaking the natural,

1834. heartfelt conversations

1835. that are not easy conversations to have,

1836. he would have never, ever done that.

1837. Let's go. Ready to go.

1838. I'm sorry, do it again.

1839. Asia?

1840. What happened in Hong Kong

1841. was— listen.

1842. We-we were trying to help our friend.

1843. And if that meant...

1844. um...

1845. doing... Yeah.

1846. Of everything I've done

1847. in my life, this was probably the professional highlight.

1848. Between, uh, Asia Argento as the director

1849. and Christopher Doyle as the director of photography...

1850. - You're gonna give me a camera? - Hell yeah.

1851. we really did something special.

1852. All right, proceed to smoke weed.

1853. I think I'm happy.

1854. Why? It's so peaceful?

1855. Yeah.

1856. This is the best shot in the movie, by the way.

1857. Wow, this is fucking beautiful.

1858. Wait.

1859. I don't smile a lot on this show, by the way,

1860. but I'm smiling now.

1861. I want to shoot you guys.

1862. So, tell us about your team.

1863. Zach, 12-year veteran.

1864. Zach had madeParts Unknown

1865. one of the most beautiful shows on television.

1866. Tony's admiration for Zach

1867. was just kind of mind-blowing.

1868. In Hong Kong,

1869. Zach had a differing opinion from Asia

1870. on what they were shooting.

1871. And despite having a huge history

1872. and love and friendship, he was gone.

1873. When Tony fired Zach,

1874. it was a huge red flag, because it was like,

1875. if he's gonna do that to someone like him,

1876. I mean, anyone on the inner circle is

1877. essentially, you know, disposable.

1878. Cheers.

1879. There was a very sort of manic nature

1880. to what was going on in that last year,

1881. where the highs were very, very high.

1882. And the lows were very ugly.

1883. He was not the same person.

1884. Something changed and became really heavy.

1885. But he started going to therapy at a certain point,

1886. and I thought,

1887. "I can take a step back.

1888. "I don't have to be, like, you know,

1889. always so, uh, worried about him."

1890. And, uh...

1891. And I feel like that's something that I will always,

1892. you know, felt like...

1893. I should have kept an eye on him more, you know?

1894. He came by less and less.

1895. And we would see him once a month, if we were lucky.

1896. You know, he said some shit to me

1897. that was really— fucking pissed me off.

1898. Um...

1899. You know, fuck it.

1900. You know, Tony said I would never be a good dad.

1901. That fucking hurt.

1902. And I know he wasn't trying to be mean, but...

1903. Was he projecting? - Yeah.

1904. Of course he was projecting.

1905. He did everything he could to be the— a dad.

1906. I think it broke his heart that he couldn't be

1907. the fucking dad he thought he could be,

1908. the romantic version of a dad.

1909. He was such a romantic about life,

1910. about anything, about families, about life as a whole.

1911. Life was a romantic idea, and reality was never gonna

1912. live up to exactly how he pictured it.

1913. He was always gonna sort of

1914. set himself up for disappointment.

1915. Wow.

1916. There's a sense of, um,

1917. vastness that I'm not used to.

1918. Does this remind you of your cowboy movies?

1919. - Uh, a little bit. - Yeah.

1920. Yes, the lone gunman out for vengeance

1921. would be riding in a long shot over there.

1922. At that point, I think

1923. he thought his relationship with Asia

1924. could provide him with an answer.

1925. - But anyway... - You're right, you're right.

1926. You know? His love for her

1927. was completely pure and safe

1928. and helpful and supportive.

1929. Which is essentially what he was looking for from her.

1930. And I think that Tony concluded that

1931. the way to earn her trust

1932. was just to go in with his whole heart.

1933. Please welcome Anthony Bourdain!

1934. One of the more painful and-and

1935. I-I would think interesting journeys

1936. you've taken on your life happened just very recently

1937. with regards to the Me Too movement.

1938. I started speaking about it out of a sense of real rage.

1939. I mean, I'd like to say that I'm— I-I arrived at—

1940. I was always enlightened in some way

1941. or that I am an activist or virtuous.

1942. But, in fact, uh, you know, I have to be honest with myself.

1943. I met one extraordinary woman

1944. with an extraordinary and painful story.

1945. Uh, suddenly it was personal.

1946. I think it surprised a lot of people.

1947. He had never really wanted to stick himself

1948. - out there for a cause.

1949. But Tony was like, "I'm going to make a stand."

1950. A nuclear bomb is gonna fall

1951. on one of my worst enemies.

1952. Everybody's been defending him,

1953. but now he's going fucking down.

1954. He's going down big-fucking-time.

1955. In 1997, I was raped by Harvey Weinstein

1956. here at Cannes.

1957. And even tonight, sitting among you,

1958. there are those who still have to be held accountable

1959. for their conduct against women.

1960. Argento later posting this photo

1961. on Instagram with her fist in the air,

1962. the caption in French translated,

1963. "The battle of women continues."

1964. Asia had just come from Cannes.

1965. And then we're in the Uffizi Gallery

1966. looking at the beheading of Holofernes,

1967. which is literally

1968. the beheading of her rapist,

1969. and it's happening the day that Weinstein gets arrested.

1970. Weinstein has repeatedly

1971. - denied all allegations.

1972. It was extraordinary.

1973. Everybody takes Medusa as the symbol of the evil woman

1974. with snakes in her head, but, uh,

1975. she was, uh, a rape victim.

1976. And she had to protect herself.

1977. You know, powerful, inconvenient women who

1978. piss people off are inevitably caricatured as Medusa.

1979. Yeah.

1980. I'm-I'm next.

1981. - I wasn't gonna say it.

1982. - It's only a matter of time. - Hmm.

1983. It's incredible.

1984. Me Too!

1985. Our stories are true!

1986. We say Me Too!

1987. I mean, at first it was, like,

1988. very noble of him, you know?

1989. And it was a good cause.

1990. But then he became...

1991. yeah, he became obsessed with it.

1992. You're talking about it in a way that many people wouldn't.

1993. To the point where

1994. if a friend said something

1995. five years ago that would maybe...

1996. might be offensive to the Me Too cause,

1997. he would just, like, cut them out of his life.

1998. I'm pretty much Ming the Merciless

1999. - on this issue right now. Right.

2000. Friends and creative partners—

2001. he threw them under the bus without

2002. any sort of consultation or anything.

2003. I mean, there was not much nuance

2004. when it got to that point of his life.

2005. What I saw was him turn

2006. what was a lifelong addictive personality

2007. to another person.

2008. And that was extremely dangerous.

2009. He was acting like a kid who didn't understand

2010. that you're gonna drive someone away

2011. if you just pile on and pile on and pile on.

2012. - Yes. But-but what I... - Really, the top ten

2013. hottest things you've ever done is park in Rome.

2014. What, like— she was like, "You could park here now,

2015. - but in an hour you can't park here." -Yeah.

2016. "We can get away with this now."

2017. I thought, "This is the fucking coolest thing."

2018. He won't stop fucking talking about

2019. her ability to park.

2020. It's like, "You're such a good parker.

2021. "Y-You park so well. You park so well.

2022. You parallel park so well."

2023. And she's like, "Dude, I don't want to be known

2024. for my parking skills."

2025. Like, you can see her pulling back,

2026. and he just won't stop.

2027. We're having so much fun.

2028. Done.

2029. And it was genius, bro.

2030. I'm telling you, see you at the Oscars, yo.

2031. Saying goodbye to him

2032. is the happiest I felt like I had ever seen him.

2033. Huge hugs.

2034. He was like, "I love you.

2035. "I love working with you. We got years ahead of us.

2036. I'm looking forward to it."

2037. You don't want his legacy

2038. to come off as, like, somebody who...

2039. succumbed to, like, this...

2040. darkness.

2041. That wasn't him.

2042. Like, he created something that was so important.

2043. And I want— that really needs to be, like...

2044. That is the legacy of his life.

2045. Not this stupid bullshit act that he did at the end.

2046. How do we come to terms with...

2047. what happened?

2048. Hmm. That's something I don't speak about.

2049. What happened in France.

2050. Um, where to start?

2051. The kind of scenes that we had and what kind of shoot it was—

2052. you know, it was, like, Tony and Eric.

2053. Lighthearted, funny.

2054. Um...

2055. - Wow. Wow.

2056. Listen, man. Listen. And you mocked me.

2057. We're probably like four days in.

2058. Tony arrives, and he is just...

2059. palpably sort of like just angry.

2060. And...

2061. the scene sort of— it takes a dark turn.

2062. Uh, they're talking about dying,

2063. choking on a hot dog or something like that.

2064. He kind of looks back at me,

2065. and we kind of make eye contact.

2066. In-in my memory now, it's very desperate.

2067. I called Helen,

2068. and this tabloid shit's come out

2069. about Asia and this other person.

2070. Tony goes over to this balcony again,

2071. looking over this valley, and he's, like, smoking,

2072. and he's kind of alone.

2073. I go out there, and I'm like,

2074. "Hey, man, how are you doing?

2075. "You know, is this just, like— are these just tabloid people,

2076. "like, fucking with you guys?

2077. Like how, you know— what's happening?"

2078. And then, like, he pauses...

2079. and he just says, "A little fucking discretion."

2080. Right? And I was like, "Hey, man, I'm just..."

2081. He's like, "No, man, not you."

2082. It's like, "I don't want to have to fucking deal

2083. with this— these fucking—"

2084. You know, he's talking about Asia.

2085. He didn't even look at me.

2086. You know, he's just kind of, like, just, you know, smoking

2087. and just sort of looking out and just like, "Fuck."

2088. I wish I had said more to him in that moment.

2089. You know, Tony hasn't been all right

2090. for a long time.

2091. The amount that he joked about the end of his life and—

2092. he's been chasing that shit forever.

2093. Potato chips are stale.

2094. So depressed right now, I feel like killing myself.

2095. He's a fucking runner.

2096. I mean, he ran for a long time,

2097. but you're not gonna outsmart pain.

2098. I'm pretty sure that pole

2099. will support my body weight.

2100. - What? - If I fucking hang myself.

2101. I think it pops into

2102. a lot of people's heads, and it's just like,

2103. since he knew how to do it...

2104. I mean, I don't know.

2105. He's a storyteller for one thing.

2106. How does a storyteller check out without leaving a note?

2107. But I think, in some regard,

2108. he was gonna write his end, which is what he did.

2109. If you look at his last Instagram Story,

2110. he played the title sequence music from this '70s film

2111. Violent City.

2112. And if you've seen the film,

2113. you know that the beginning is

2114. a series of paparazzi photos of this couple.

2115. I mean, it's a revenge film.

2116. It's about this woman who betrays him

2117. and him seeking revenge.

2118. I mean, it's-it's all there.

2119. I'm very cautious

2120. to be like, uh, blame the woman for, like, you know—

2121. or blame the lover or blame the husband.

2122. You know, Tony killed himself.

2123. Tony did it.

2124. My brother committed suicide.

2125. I think if somebody else had been in his room,

2126. it might've been a murder and not a suicide.

2127. I think he was just in an explosive anger

2128. and-and this was the only way out.

2129. When you choose to hang yourself,

2130. it's a torture.

2131. Self-imposed torture.

2132. If he was fucking drunk,

2133. it'd be a lot easier to understand.

2134. The toxicology report was he's clean and sober.

2135. I think it was a clear decision.

2136. It was a momentary lapse,

2137. and I don't think he weighed the pros and cons.

2138. If he had just made it through that night, you know?

2139. We're trying so hard to understand,

2140. because we think if we can understand it,

2141. then we'll be okay with it.

2142. And the fact of the matter is, no,

2143. I don't think we get to know.

2144. We don't get to know.

2145. That's tough.

2146. Well, I don't know where he is

2147. right now, but...

2148. he let me down.

2149. He...

2150. I don't think he was cruel, you know?

2151. And there's, like, a cruelty to that.

2152. What the hell is everyone supposed to do?

2153. It's been over two years

2154. since he took his own life,

2155. and I still experience a range of emotions.

2156. Um...

2157. God.

2158. It's like...

2159. I haven't fucking cut my hair since he died.

2160. Like, I-I...

2161. I just miss him.

2162. I miss a friend, a dear friend.

2163. I think about a lot of happy moments we had together.

2164. Mostly, yeah.

2165. I was in Vietnam on a beautiful day.

2166. I looked at my phone, and there was the news.

2167. And, uh, that's when I decided to move to Vietnam for good.

2168. That was the— it was not even a thought.

2169. It was the door opened and I had to go through it

2170. and start doing something new.

2171. I was listening to this record

2172. that brought me to tears thinking of him.

2173. And, um, both my kids

2174. sort of embraced me.

2175. My son, he's like, "How did Tony die?"

2176. And I was like, "Uh, I— we don't know."

2177. Right?

2178. About 20 seconds pass, and he looked at me and he's like,

2179. "I really would like to know how Tony died."

2180. I have this like hour-long conversation about

2181. Tony to my fucking seven-year-old kid.

2182. And I said, "I think Tony, at the end,

2183. "felt alone and felt he couldn't talk to anybody

2184. about the pain that was going on inside of him."

2185. And I said, "You know you always have someone

2186. to turn to and talk to."

2187. That's the lesson in it for me.

2188. It's plenty to just say I'm hurt.

2189. I haven't worked for two years now.

2190. Really close to the end, we talked, and I said,

2191. "Got to take our girls and lighten the load

2192. "and show them the world, show them who we are,

2193. not just when you come home, but—"

2194. And-and we were both excited about this prospect.

2195. Fuck.

2196. One, two, three.

2197. When I get angry is when I think about

2198. leaving behind a brilliant...

2199. daughter.

2200. You know.

2201. He would have loved to be around now, to see her now.

2202. He'd be so proud of her.

2203. I'm so lucky

2204. 'cause she's the best daughter I-I could hope for.

2205. And I will always be grateful that, you know,

2206. Tony gave her to me, you know?

2207. I mean, I think this is

2208. the last time I'll ever talk publicly about it,

2209. because I— that's not the way I want to remember him.

2210. I want to remember him

2211. when we were together, all the amazing things that we'd done

2212. and the amazing person that he was.

2213. After Tony died,

2214. the restaurant, Les Halles, it just became this shrine.

2215. We didn't realize he meant so much to so many people.

2216. "You inspired me to get out of my comfort zone

2217. and fearlessly immerse myself in the richness of life."

2218. "Advocate for the working classes,

2219. "the immigrants, the poor.

2220. This world didn't deserve you."

2221. And then a few people left poems.

2222. One said, "Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.

2223. "I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell

2224. but just coming to the end of his triumph."

2225. You know, I was an angry young man.

2226. I-I, uh...

2227. I forget what I was angry about, especially looking at this.

2228. What the hell was I so angry about?

2229. This was, you know...

2230. paradise.

2231. Sorry.

2232. Can I say something?

2233. To have him walking down a beach,

2234. it resonates, it's sweet.

2235. And I go, you know, as-as I was upstairs

2236. using the restroom, I was like...

2237. "He would fucking hate that."

2238. Going out in a blaze of glory was so fucking lame.

2239. But we live in this society where every great artist

2240. who kills themselves is on murals

2241. and they're talked about like gods.

2242. Tony's on murals. - Yeah. That's...

2243. Around town, there are a couple of them.

2244. I should go deface them.

2245. He would love it if I did that.

2246. Ooh.

2247. Yeah.