1. Welcome to the University
of Ithaca. This is it, right here.Copy !req
2. I'm gonna give you a good tour today.Copy !req
3. Show you as much as you need to know.Copy !req
4. This is the main area
of the university.Copy !req
5. You'll be getting used to this area.Copy !req
6. This is sort of where you congregate.Copy !req
7. Come in around me. Keep close.Copy !req
8. I've had problems
with stragglers before, OK?Copy !req
9. They get lost in the back
and hit by trucks, OK?Copy !req
10. It's not pretty. This is the...Copy !req
11. By the way, this is the Joseph
H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?Copy !req
12. It was built, uh...
It was built, uh, in the 1600s.Copy !req
13. 1600s? It says 1951.Copy !req
14. That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.Copy !req
15. That's the psychology department.Copy !req
16. You're expected to volunteer for
cutting-edge experimental testing.Copy !req
17. Kind of cool.Copy !req
18. When it's your turn, remember
to wear loose clothes, no metal,Copy !req
19. and be prepared to receive several
heavy doses of electric current.Copy !req
20. They're watching us right now.Copy !req
21. Over there
is the department of English.Copy !req
22. Most of you speak English already
so we can skip that.Copy !req
23. - How long have you been here?
- Eight years.Copy !req
24. You don't seem to know anything.
This is the worst tour ever.Copy !req
25. It's the worst school ever.
Doesn't anything cool happen?Copy !req
26. Yeah, cool stuff happens.Copy !req
27. This university
is the coolest place in the world.Copy !req
28. That's because
he's never been anywhere else.Copy !req
29. Go ahead, laugh all you want.Copy !req
30. But the fact is, this is the setting
for the greatest story ever told.Copy !req
31. OK?Copy !req
32. It's about this guy I knew,
Josh Parker,Copy !req
33. and his girlfriend, Tiffany.Copy !req
34. It's one of the most
fascinating journeys ever.Copy !req
35. 'Josh and Tiffany
were always together,Copy !req
36. 'starting from when they were little.Copy !req
37. 'They did everything as a team.Copy !req
38. 'When Tiffany was 10,
she had her tonsils taken out.Copy !req
39. 'Josh stayed in the hospital
for three days.Copy !req
40. 'They were best friends.Copy !req
41. 'What started out as friendship...Copy !req
42. 'blossomed into some serious French
kissing and lots of heavy petting.Copy !req
43. 'They spent so much time together
that even their dogs started dating.Copy !req
44. 'They seemed destined
to be together forever.Copy !req
45. 'But after high school, they faced
the most challenging challenge ever -Copy !req
46. 'a long-distance relationship.Copy !req
47. 'See, while Josh was enrolled here at
the wonderful University of Ithaca,Copy !req
48. 'Tiffany went off to
veterinary school in Austin, Texas.Copy !req
49. 'But they made a pact,
a promise to stay true to each other,Copy !req
50. 'to talk every day and maintain
an exclusive relationship.'Copy !req
51. That turned out to be more difficult
than either of them ever imagined.Copy !req
52. Tiffany! Hey, baby.Copy !req
53. Oh, my God.
You were amazing last night.Copy !req
54. - I never ever came like that before.
- Come on!Copy !req
55. Seriously! I had to take
two birth control pills today.Copy !req
56. You wanna help me study
again tonight?Copy !req
57. Forget tonight. Come over now.Copy !req
58. Let's blow this class off.Copy !req
59. 'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the
phone but please leave a message.'Copy !req
60. Hey, Tif, it's me... again.Copy !req
61. Just wonderin' where you are.
Still trying to get hold of you.Copy !req
62. Everything's cool, though.
I'll catch you later.Copy !req
63. Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.Copy !req
64. I just wanted to add something
before I sent this video.Copy !req
65. I haven't talked to you
in a few days and...Copy !req
66. I'm thinking you don't like me...
I'm kidding.Copy !req
67. Hey, guys.Copy !req
68. But I am getting a little worried so
gimme a call when you get a chance.Copy !req
69. Barry says hi.Copy !req
70. So gimme a call
as soon as you can. I miss you.Copy !req
71. Call me, OK? Bye.Copy !req
72. - What's up, guys?
- Not much. You?Copy !req
73. I was just finishing my tape to Tif.Copy !req
74. Mitch, what are you doing?
Are you hungry? Huh?Copy !req
75. - You gonna feed him?
- No, I'm checking the temperature.Copy !req
76. Mitch needs an evenly distributed
85 degrees to survive.Copy !req
77. Can I drop a mouse in?Copy !req
78. Mitch only eats once a week,
on Saturdays.Copy !req
79. Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,Copy !req
80. and we could feed him half now
and the other half on Saturday.Copy !req
81. I don't think so.
I thought you had class now?Copy !req
82. What time is it? Oh, shit!Copy !req
83. Do me a favour -
when this is rewound, mail it for me?Copy !req
84. - No problem. Leave it there.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
85. - See you guys later.
- Bye.Copy !req
86. Can we please feed him now?Copy !req
87. No. If you overfeed him he could die.Copy !req
88. So? It'll be worth it.Copy !req
89. - Josh, hey.
- Beth, hey.Copy !req
90. - What's goin' on?
- Not much.Copy !req
91. - Where have you been?
- Nowhere.Copy !req
92. Studying. I'm starting
to question this college thing.Copy !req
93. There's so much reading.Copy !req
94. - Right.
- Yeah.Copy !req
95. - You going to EL's tonight?
- Yeah.Copy !req
96. I gotta run,
class has started.Copy !req
97. - I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
98. So, you have a thing
for that guy now, is that it?Copy !req
99. - It's not your business, Jacob.
- I can tell.Copy !req
100. - I'm not having this conversation.
- What conversation?Copy !req
101. You need to stop this.
We're not a couple.Copy !req
102. We've never been a couple,
and never will.Copy !req
103. This week
I'd like you to think aboutCopy !req
104. Plato's Dialogues
of the middle years.Copy !req
105. "The Republic", "Phaedo",
"Symposium".Copy !req
106. Now, this will all be
on next week's mid-term,Copy !req
107. so I suggest you read up on it.Copy !req
108. Ah, Jacob,
do you have anything to add?Copy !req
109. Just a reminder.Copy !req
110. The mid-term will cover
all of the in-class lecturesCopy !req
111. as well as
all of the assigned readings.Copy !req
112. It will be entirely essay form,
so bring legal pads.Copy !req
113. I prefer yellow.
It's easier on the eyes.Copy !req
114. OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.Copy !req
115. And... see you all next week
for the mid-term.Copy !req
116. - Josh.
- Yes?Copy !req
117. I saw you hitting on Beth.
NOT a good idea.Copy !req
118. - She's spoken for.
- What?Copy !req
119. She'll come back to me.
They always do.Copy !req
120. So... Mr Parker.Copy !req
121. Do you intend
to be ready for this exam?Copy !req
122. - Yes, sir.
- Well, you better be ready.Copy !req
123. Because I was
looking over the books last nightCopy !req
124. and you need a B on this test
just to pass this class.Copy !req
125. Actually,
I double-checked that, Professor.Copy !req
126. He needs a B+.
We can't bend on this.Copy !req
127. I got it.Copy !req
128. - Just copy off someone.
- I can't. It's all essays.Copy !req
129. If I fail this class,
my average is shot.Copy !req
130. I might lose my financial aid
or not be allowed back.Copy !req
131. Well, you're fucked, then.Copy !req
132. So come to my party, hook up
with Beth, and enjoy your last week.Copy !req
133. I'm not hooking up with anyone.
I'm invested in this relationship.Copy !req
134. Invested? Who are you, Charles
Schwab? Listen to yourself!Copy !req
135. I would give my life...Copy !req
136. for one evening
of consensual sex with that girl.Copy !req
137. I've gone this long without cheating.Copy !req
138. You're already cheating!Copy !req
139. Any time you pass up sex
you cheat yourself.Copy !req
140. The window of opportunity
to drink and do drugsCopy !req
141. and take advantage
of young girls is shrinking daily.Copy !req
142. I gotta make a call.Copy !req
143. I'm telling you, you pass this up,
it'll haunt you forever.Copy !req
144. Your dick will never forgive you.Copy !req
145. What do you think, man? Don't you
want to experience something new?Copy !req
146. It ain't easy being Josh's penis.Copy !req
147. We've been here two months,
and I feel like I'm in a coma.Copy !req
148. - Stop it.
- I wish I was your dick, EL.Copy !req
149. If something doesn't happen soon,
I'm gonna leave.Copy !req
150. - Enough.
- 'Hello? 'Copy !req
151. Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother
you, is Tiffany around?Copy !req
152. Tiffany is not here.Copy !req
153. She didn't sleep here
last night... again.Copy !req
154. And it would be great
if for one hour you didn't call.Copy !req
155. - Right.
- If she wanted to talk to youCopy !req
156. she'd call you.Copy !req
157. Deal with it.Copy !req
158. - You bitch!
- Does she sound hot?Copy !req
159. We've never gone this long
without talking. Something's wrong.Copy !req
160. She found someone else,
like you should.Copy !req
161. The clock is ticking. Before you know
it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.Copy !req
162. Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
163. I should really warn you,Copy !req
164. it's been known to affect
your decision-making abilitiesCopy !req
165. and lower your inhibitions.Copy !req
166. Good. That's the plan.Copy !req
167. No, that-that's...
Yes, that is the plan.Copy !req
168. - You bring cash?
- Why?Copy !req
169. - We've got chicks for sale.
- What?Copy !req
170. Trust me. I've been goin'
to this school seven yearsCopy !req
171. and I know the key
to a well-rounded college educationCopy !req
172. is experimentation.Copy !req
173. Let me show you.Copy !req
174. This is an auction. Remember...Copy !req
175. you are not buying the girl,Copy !req
176. only her company, and sale does not
constitute sexual relations.Copy !req
177. I know. Believe me, I've tried.Copy !req
178. Without further ado,
let's introduce our first... person.Copy !req
179. Laura!Copy !req
180. Laura's from Long Island.Copy !req
181. She likes the outdoors
and loves seafood.Copy !req
182. - OK, let's start the bidding at $5!
- $3.50!Copy !req
183. Good God, moneybags,
she's not a Happy Meal.Copy !req
184. - $5.
- OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?Copy !req
185. 10 bucks.Copy !req
186. Who's got 15 bucks
for a lovely evening with Laura?Copy !req
187. OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15?
Going once, going twice...Copy !req
188. Sold... to the captain.Copy !req
189. There you are.Copy !req
190. - Hey, what's going on?
- Not much.Copy !req
191. - You look great.
- Thank you.Copy !req
192. You're welcome.Copy !req
193. Listen, Jacob's here,
and he's a total psycho...Copy !req
194. Can you go outbid him?Copy !req
195. You know what,
I didn't bring that much money.Copy !req
196. You don't understand. He's obsessed.Copy !req
197. See? That's fun, right?Copy !req
198. OK, PK. Now, I want you two
to kiss each other.Copy !req
199. All right, has anyone seen Beth?
There she is!Copy !req
200. Say hi to the crowd, Beth.Copy !req
201. Hi.Copy !req
202. Can I hear a $5 opening bid?Copy !req
203. - $5 right here!
- Who can beat five?Copy !req
204. - Seven.
- $10.Copy !req
205. - $10! Going once. Going twice.
- $15!Copy !req
206. - 20.
- 25!Copy !req
207. 25. Who can beat 25? Going once.Copy !req
208. - Going twice.
- 26.Copy !req
209. - 26, going once.
- 30!Copy !req
210. - OK, can anyone beat $26?
- I just said 30!Copy !req
211. There must be someone
who can beat $26?Copy !req
212. - Me, right here! 30!
- Sold! To my man Josh for $26.Copy !req
213. You heard me.
I bid $30 loud and clear.Copy !req
214. Your bid didn't count.Copy !req
215. - Why?
- Because you're a TA.Copy !req
216. - So?
- This auction is for students.Copy !req
217. Goodbye.Copy !req
218. Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.Copy !req
219. - You owe me more than one.
- Do I?Copy !req
220. Technically.Copy !req
221. Well...Copy !req
222. are you ready to collect?Copy !req
223. I think so. Yeah.Copy !req
224. We're touching.Copy !req
225. It's a lot of fun.Copy !req
226. We're having a good time.Copy !req
227. Who's Tiffany Henderson?Copy !req
228. Just some girl I used to date
since I was, like, five.Copy !req
229. But that's over now. She blew me off.Copy !req
230. Oh, poor baby.Copy !req
231. You must be very hurt.Copy !req
232. Do you need some special attention?Copy !req
233. Well, I am pretty upset.Copy !req
234. Did that help?Copy !req
235. That helped a lot.Copy !req
236. I have an idea.Copy !req
237. What do you say?Copy !req
238. Uh, I don't think so.Copy !req
239. Come on! It'll be fun.Copy !req
240. - I've always wanted to try this.
- No...Copy !req
241. Yes.Copy !req
242. I'm gonna interview you.Copy !req
243. Fine.Copy !req
244. OK.Copy !req
245. - OK, Josh.
- Yes.Copy !req
246. What do you look for in a girl?Copy !req
247. Um, well, let's see.Copy !req
248. She should be smart and funny and...Copy !req
249. That's good, too.Copy !req
250. Do you feel better yet?Copy !req
251. I feel a little bit better.
Yeah. A little...Copy !req
252. What else do you look for?Copy !req
253. She should be attractive and...Copy !req
254. nice and...Copy !req
255. Topless. And topless.Copy !req
256. And she should kiss me.Copy !req
257. What else?Copy !req
258. She shouldn't stop kissing me.Copy !req
259. Why don't you keep doing that?Copy !req
260. What are you so happy about?Copy !req
261. I don't know.
Do I seem happy this morning?Copy !req
262. Well, you're bouncing around here.Copy !req
263. You do seem
unusually light-hearted.Copy !req
264. Maybe it's because I had
the best time of my life last night.Copy !req
265. Twice! And once this morning.Copy !req
266. You and Beth?Copy !req
267. - Oh, yeah.
- Shut up. What happened?Copy !req
268. No way! You're lying.Copy !req
269. I'm not lying.Copy !req
270. You can't make out with someone
then pretend you had sex.Copy !req
271. - That's really uncool.
- I'm not pretending.Copy !req
272. Forget it. I know you're lying.
I guarantee it.Copy !req
273. You wanna bet?Copy !req
274. Great. I'm gonna bet
on something you can't prove.Copy !req
275. You videotaped it!Copy !req
276. No, no, no, I didn't!
Gimme that! Gimme that!Copy !req
277. - No way! This is amazing!
- I was kidding, I was kidding!Copy !req
278. - Gimme the tape.
- Huh? Come on.Copy !req
279. - We're gonna see it sooner or later.
- He's got a point.Copy !req
280. Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
281. Give it to me. No, give it to me.Copy !req
282. - EL, no.
- Josh, please? We need this.Copy !req
283. OK, listen, seriously.
You can't tell anyone you saw this.Copy !req
284. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
285. OK. PK!Copy !req
286. Barry, hit the lights.Copy !req
287. It's boner time!Copy !req
288. 'Hey, Tif. It's me
coming to you live from Ithaca.'Copy !req
289. I thought I asked you
to mail this yesterday?Copy !req
290. Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.Copy !req
291. Fast-forward to the horny stuff.Copy !req
292. Is this the shit
you've been sending Tiffany?Copy !req
293. W-wait a second.Copy !req
294. Tell me you mailed
the Beth tape to Tiffany.Copy !req
295. Did you make a copy?Copy !req
296. If you made a copy,
we could watch the copy.Copy !req
297. Don't answer it!Copy !req
298. 'Hey, it's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'Copy !req
299. 'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.Copy !req
300. 'Sorry we haven't spoken.Copy !req
301. 'Listen, my grandfather passed away.Copy !req
302. 'I've tried calling you
a few times, but no one picked up.Copy !req
303. 'I didn't want to leave
this message on your machineCopy !req
304. 'but by now you're probably
a little worried so...Copy !req
305. 'Anyway, I'm at my parents'
house helping my mom.Copy !req
306. 'She's really a wreck.Copy !req
307. 'If I don't speak with you,
I'll call Monday.Copy !req
308. 'I'll be OK. I just need some time.Copy !req
309. 'Bye. I love you.'Copy !req
310. That's not fair.Copy !req
311. How come she gets to see the tape
and we don't?Copy !req
312. She gets back there Monday.
That leaves three days to get there.Copy !req
313. Get where? Austin?Copy !req
314. - That's like 10,000 miles from here.
- 1,800.Copy !req
315. You wanna drive 1,800 miles
in three days? Just fly.Copy !req
316. Do you have money for a ticket?
I don't.Copy !req
317. - All right, so we're driving.
- You're coming?Copy !req
318. What else am I gonna do,
stay here and learn?Copy !req
319. Road trip.Copy !req
320. Just a minute. Hold on.Copy !req
321. He's probably jackin' off.Copy !req
322. What do you guys want?Copy !req
323. Kyle, this is an emergency.Copy !req
324. Wait. Let me at least
go back and call my dad.Copy !req
325. Call your dad?
Would you listen to yourself?Copy !req
326. You're 19 years old,
and you're a fucking sissy.Copy !req
327. All you ever do is sit
in a library and play Myst.Copy !req
328. It's pathetic.Copy !req
329. He's trying to say that
this is your chance to do something.Copy !req
330. Be a risk-taker. Come with us.Copy !req
331. You're just saying that
because you want my car.Copy !req
332. No! No, we've always liked you.Copy !req
333. Or just give us the car.
That would make him a risk-taker.Copy !req
334. Shut up, all right?
He's coming with us.Copy !req
335. Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun!Copy !req
336. Aren't you even curious
where we're going?Copy !req
337. No.Copy !req
338. OK, we're going to the University
of Austin. Sure you won't come?Copy !req
339. I don't like Massachusetts.Copy !req
340. Austin's in Texas.
You're thinking of Boston.Copy !req
341. You've never left this town,
have you?Copy !req
342. No, not really.Copy !req
343. That could turn
into a debilitating phobia.Copy !req
344. OK.Copy !req
345. - Can I feed Mitch?
- Yes, actually you can.Copy !req
346. There's a brown box of mice
by his cage.Copy !req
347. Give him one tomorrow. Just one.Copy !req
348. - I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow.
- OK.Copy !req
349. You can count on me.
OK? I'm reliable. OK?Copy !req
350. You guys do good.
Have a good trip, safe trip.Copy !req
351. Buckle up your seat belt.
I'm gonna feed the snake!Copy !req
352. I'll feed the snake,
I'll watch the snake.Copy !req
353. 'So off they went.'Copy !req
354. They had 1,800 miles to go,
and only three days to do it.Copy !req
355. It was a killer journey and one
that changed them all forever.Copy !req
356. The end.Copy !req
357. - So we're gonna go look over here.
- Whoa. That's it? This story sucks.Copy !req
358. - What happened with the tape?
- Right. The tape.Copy !req
359. Well, um...Copy !req
360. Well... Like I said,
they were on a race against time.Copy !req
361. Since we didn't get to see the tape,Copy !req
362. - can you at least describe it?
- No.Copy !req
363. Admit that Beth is amazing.Copy !req
364. I admit it, she's amazing.
She's perfect.Copy !req
365. I don't know why you feel so guilty.
Technically you haven't cheated.Copy !req
366. What are you talking about?Copy !req
367. There are these rules that guys have,Copy !req
368. an understanding
as to what constitutes cheating.Copy !req
369. Take your situation, for example.Copy !req
370. It's not cheating.Copy !req
371. Not when you're in a different
area code - not to mention state!Copy !req
372. That makes no sense.Copy !req
373. Don't look at me, Kyle.
I don't make the rules.Copy !req
374. This is legit. I've read an article.Copy !req
375. There's a whole bunch of them,
like loopholes.Copy !req
376. Say you were sleeping with
two girls at the same time,Copy !req
377. it's not cheating
because they cancel each other out.Copy !req
378. - Ahh.
- Exactly!Copy !req
379. Or if you're too wasted
to remember...Copy !req
380. It is not cheating.Copy !req
381. Because if you
can't really remember it,Copy !req
382. it never really took place.Copy !req
383. OK, I've got one. Ready?Copy !req
384. It's OK if you spread peanut butter
on your testiclesCopy !req
385. and let your dog lick it off.Copy !req
386. - Because it's your dog!
- Jesus Christ!Copy !req
387. - You know, because it's your dog!
- We got it.Copy !req
388. Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.Copy !req
389. That's right.
One of you is marked for death.Copy !req
390. And first thing tomorrow morning,Copy !req
391. a chosen one
will experience nature's wrathCopy !req
392. in all its fury.Copy !req
393. Who are you?Copy !req
394. I'm Beth.Copy !req
395. Are you here for the feeding?Copy !req
396. Excuse me?Copy !req
397. You're early. It's not till tomorrow.Copy !req
398. You should come back.Copy !req
399. It's gonna be a bloodbath.Copy !req
400. I think I'll pass.Copy !req
401. Have you seen Josh?Copy !req
402. He went to visit his girlfriend.Copy !req
403. Tiffany?Copy !req
404. I thought they broke up.Copy !req
405. I mean this girl who's a friend
of his. You know what I mean.Copy !req
406. Where did he go?Copy !req
407. Austin?Copy !req
408. Austin, Massachusetts?Copy !req
409. You mean Boston, Massachusetts?Copy !req
410. Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.Copy !req
411. The University of Boston
in Massachusetts.Copy !req
412. He is such an asshole.Copy !req
413. I can't believe
he just lied to my face like that.Copy !req
414. I actually thought he liked me.
How could he do that?Copy !req
415. - She was topless?
- Girls don't stand around naked.Copy !req
416. Yeah, they do. OK? This is my story.
You wanna hear it or not?Copy !req
417. - It just doesn't make any...
- Shh. Please, no interruptions, OK?Copy !req
418. So this other girl walks up,
totally hot. Naked! Really naked!Copy !req
419. I know guys can be jerks.Copy !req
420. I guess I just thought
Josh was different. I liked him.Copy !req
421. Sweetie, listen to me.
They're all the same.Copy !req
422. All men are perverted pigs.Copy !req
423. All they care about...
really, all they THINK about is sex.Copy !req
424. - Go to Boston and bust his ass.
- Right.Copy !req
425. Confront him
and his little girlfriend.Copy !req
426. Ooh! These, too.Copy !req
427. Kyle, come here for a second.Copy !req
428. We're a little
short on cash right now,Copy !req
429. so we need to put this
on your credit card.Copy !req
430. We'll give you the cash
when we get back, I promise.Copy !req
431. I can't. It's my dad's.
It's for emergencies only.Copy !req
432. Hello! This IS an emergency.Copy !req
433. We need this stuff.
You want us to sleep in the dirt?Copy !req
434. We're in no-man's-land.Copy !req
435. We've been on this road
for over an hour.Copy !req
436. This is gonna save us five hours,
minimum. Thank me later.Copy !req
437. We should go back to the interstate.Copy !req
438. - We're not goin' back.
- Yeah, have some faith.Copy !req
439. It's a challenge.
That's why it's a short cut.Copy !req
440. If it was easy,
it would just be the way.Copy !req
441. Damn it! Fuck!Copy !req
442. I give us 20 minutes
before our first ass-raping.Copy !req
443. If we turn around we'll lose
five hours backtracking.Copy !req
444. Turn around? Why? Because of this?
We could make it.Copy !req
445. Make it? You mean jump it?Copy !req
446. No. Absolutely not.
No way. We're going back.Copy !req
447. It can be done. This incline
is 30 degrees roughly, right?Copy !req
448. The factory weight
of the car is 1,600lbs.Copy !req
449. Add us, plus cargo...Copy !req
450. - No, no.
- If we hit this at 50mph,Copy !req
451. our trajectory
will clear 10 feet, easy.Copy !req
452. No way. Absolutely not.Copy !req
453. We'll go 60 just to be certain.Copy !req
454. We're goin' back.
It's impossible.Copy !req
455. You sure?Copy !req
456. With physics I'm always sure.Copy !req
457. I'm driving.Copy !req
458. I don't think you guys heard me.Copy !req
459. This is my car
and we're not gonna jump any rivers.Copy !req
460. Kyle, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope
could jump this in a golf cart.Copy !req
461. Look, I can spit across this gap.Copy !req
462. Yeah.Copy !req
463. Well...Copy !req
464. better make it 75.Copy !req
465. - OK. Let's do it.
- Trust me, Kyle, it's science.Copy !req
466. No, you guys. No.
EL, get out of my car.Copy !req
467. Kyle, in the car. Come on.Copy !req
468. We're PK.Copy !req
469. You know we need to hit 60?Copy !req
470. - I'm trying. This car sucks.
- Stop!Copy !req
471. Thank you! Yes!Copy !req
472. What did I tell you?Copy !req
473. Oh, my God.Copy !req
474. Oh, my God!Copy !req
475. My father is gonna kill me
when he finds out about this.Copy !req
476. I only said we'd make it across.Copy !req
477. I never said
the wheels would stay on.Copy !req
478. What the hell are we gonna do now?Copy !req
479. I'm totally screwed!Copy !req
480. I don't have time...
to be walking... through the woods!Copy !req
481. Josh, we'll call a tow truck,
have the axles fixed.Copy !req
482. We'll lose half a day at most.
It's just the wheels.Copy !req
483. The minute I think
I feel something for someone,Copy !req
484. they just turn around
and screw me over.Copy !req
485. Just something about Josh,
he's just different.Copy !req
486. I feel like we had a connection.Copy !req
487. I don't think
I'll ever be able to trust a guy.Copy !req
488. You shouldn't! Honey, the last time
I trusted a man was back in 1985Copy !req
489. and he took off
with my sister and my van.Copy !req
490. It was a regular-size van.
Before that mini-van crap.Copy !req
491. So there's no hope, huh?Copy !req
492. Oh, there's hope.
But it comes with batteries.Copy !req
493. You can keep that.Copy !req
494. God. Crap.Copy !req
495. Listen, guys,
we're gonna have to be more careful.Copy !req
496. We almost died in that explosion.Copy !req
497. - I wish I had died.
- I'm serious. I can't die young.Copy !req
498. Something tells me the people
of Earth are gonna need me.Copy !req
499. I must live.Copy !req
500. Yeah, right. We all must live.Copy !req
501. Before we do that,
we must get back on the road.Copy !req
502. We shouldn't be going
to sleep right now!Copy !req
503. 'Let's just lay
an indication here and there.'Copy !req
504. 'And a whole bunch of colour...'Copy !req
505. Excuse me.Copy !req
506. I'm sorry, do you need to get that?Copy !req
507. Do you need something?Copy !req
508. Yeah.
This is sort of an unusual question.Copy !req
509. But do you have any marijuana
I might buy?Copy !req
510. Our car exploded last night
and I'm practically all out.Copy !req
511. Am I a drug dealer?Copy !req
512. No, I am not.
Thank you for asking, though.Copy !req
513. No? OK, that's OK. Thanks.Copy !req
514. Is there anything else
I can help with?Copy !req
515. Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old
prostitute. We can do that.Copy !req
516. Or maybe we can off someone
for you. Huh?Copy !req
517. I've got it.
Why don't we start small?Copy !req
518. Would you like a fresh towel?Copy !req
519. You could roll that up and smoke it.Copy !req
520. Dick.Copy !req
521. By the way, Cheech,Copy !req
522. that credit card
you guys gave me was maxed out,Copy !req
523. so don't go spending all your cash
on needles and guns just yet.Copy !req
524. Um, Mr Earl Edwards?Copy !req
525. I'm sorry, sir.
This card's over its limit.Copy !req
526. That's not true. Put it through
your little machine again.Copy !req
527. I tried three times, sir. If you
have another card, I'd be happy to...Copy !req
528. Don't give me any attitude.Copy !req
529. You go fix
that little toy back there,Copy !req
530. and charge this friggin' card.Copy !req
531. We've been coming here for 20 years.Copy !req
532. - We've only been open eight years.
- Do it now.Copy !req
533. Relax, it's not a big deal.Copy !req
534. You don't understand,
when Josh finds out he'll freak.Copy !req
535. You can't rent a car without
a credit card. You just can't.Copy !req
536. So, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
537. Tell you what. Stay here.Copy !req
538. Take him out
for breakfast or something.Copy !req
539. I'll go take care of this.Copy !req
540. Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.
Now, brace yourselves.Copy !req
541. The police have found Kyle's car
abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.Copy !req
542. It's been blown to bits.Copy !req
543. We checked with the university -
he's missing.Copy !req
544. Mother of God.Copy !req
545. - Good morning.
- Hello.Copy !req
546. Hi. How can I help you?Copy !req
547. Yeah, hi. I was sent over here
to check out bus 111,Copy !req
548. and I'm afraid I have some bad news.Copy !req
549. You seem to be having problems
with the... rotator splint.Copy !req
550. Engines have rotator splints?Copy !req
551. Yeah.Copy !req
552. She runs good now, but not for long.Copy !req
553. I can have it back to you
as good as new in a week.Copy !req
554. Let's see.
Well, Jared's still in Aliquippa,Copy !req
555. - I take it he called you from there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
556. Five days.
Well, I think we can work that out.Copy !req
557. Would you please not feed my dog?Copy !req
558. I didn't.Copy !req
559. You can't feed
Seeing Eye dogs treats.Copy !req
560. I'd appreciate it
if you left him alone.Copy !req
561. Don't roll your eyes at me.Copy !req
562. French toast.Copy !req
563. Bacon. Good for you.Copy !req
564. - And scrambled eggs.
- Thank you.Copy !req
565. Excuse me, but this has powdered
sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.Copy !req
566. I can't have
too much sugar in the morning.Copy !req
567. Oh, I'm sorry,
you're absolutely right.Copy !req
568. Tell you what, let me take this back
and bring you out a new piece.Copy !req
569. Is everybody good? OK, great.Copy !req
570. Do you know where my possessions are,
because I can't...Copy !req
571. - Wait, no. They were in the car.
- That's... that's hilarious.Copy !req
572. All right,
let me warm that up for you.Copy !req
573. - There you go.
- Thanks.Copy !req
574. Excuse me. And the French toast
will be out in just a minute.Copy !req
575. - OK, thank you.
- OK, great.Copy !req
576. French toast, no sugar.Copy !req
577. - All right? Sorry about that.
- No problem.Copy !req
578. That's a nice guy.Copy !req
579. It's good.Copy !req
580. OK!Copy !req
581. I don't wanna know
how you got this.Copy !req
582. - I stole it from a blind chick.
- I don't wanna know.Copy !req
583. What? I'm gonna give it back.Copy !req
584. Probably.Copy !req
585. Can we please stop soon?
I need to use the bathroom.Copy !req
586. Actually, I don't have to go yet,
so we'll stop in a couple of hours.Copy !req
587. OK.Copy !req
588. I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.Copy !req
589. Jeez, you have to stand up
for yourself. Be more assertive.Copy !req
590. OK.Copy !req
591. What's your deal?
Why are you so worried?Copy !req
592. I don't know. I guess it's my dad.Copy !req
593. He's, like... strict.Copy !req
594. He really is gonna kill me
when he finds out about that car.Copy !req
595. So you screwed up. Big deal.
People make mistakes.Copy !req
596. He'll get over it.
Besides, that car sucked anyways.Copy !req
597. I really do need
to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
598. - We're makin' a pit stop.
- Again?Copy !req
599. You're about to experience
first-hand...Copy !req
600. exactly what it means to be in
the lower region of the food chain.Copy !req
601. Mitch is going to bite into you.Copy !req
602. He's going to squeeze.Copy !req
603. He'll actually start digesting you
while you're still alive.Copy !req
604. But don't be scared.Copy !req
605. No. No, no.Copy !req
606. It'll be a quick death.Copy !req
607. Be brave.Copy !req
608. You'll barely feel it.Copy !req
609. Come on.Copy !req
610. Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him?Copy !req
611. Josh, wait up a second.Copy !req
612. This is supposed to be a road trip.Copy !req
613. All we do is drive the whole time.
It's ridiculous.Copy !req
614. - No one forced you to come.
- We're making great time.Copy !req
615. And if Tiffany saw that tape,
it'd be a good thing.Copy !req
616. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
617. Beth is an angel. She's here
to help you change your life.Copy !req
618. Besides, did Tiffany
ever let you videotape her?Copy !req
619. I think not.Copy !req
620. It's a sign, Josh.Copy !req
621. Hello?Copy !req
622. - 'Professor Anderson? '
- Who's calling?Copy !req
623. Hi, Professor, it's Josh Parker.Copy !req
624. Oh, uh...Copy !req
625. Hello, Josh.
What can I do for you?Copy !req
626. - Well, I was in a car accident.
- 'Oh. Oh, my God.'Copy !req
627. I'm PK.
It's just I'm in kind of a bind.Copy !req
628. All my notes and books
were destroyed.Copy !req
629. Is it possible to get an extension?Copy !req
630. 'Maybe take the mid-term
a couple days later? 'Copy !req
631. Oh, sure.
Yes, it sounds like an emergency.Copy !req
632. How about an extra three days?Copy !req
633. - 'Would that work? '
- Yeah, that would be fantastic!Copy !req
634. - Are you sure?
- 'Just glad you're not hurt.'Copy !req
635. I'm marking it down right now.Copy !req
636. 'That's great, Professor. Thank you.'Copy !req
637. OK, goodbye.Copy !req
638. Who was that?Copy !req
639. Oh, that... that was Josh Parker.Copy !req
640. Oh, yeah? What did he want?Copy !req
641. He was just confirming
the date of the exam. Such a worrier.Copy !req
642. It's gonna be OK. I'll find him.Copy !req
643. And we'll find whoever did this,
I promise. It's gonna be OK.Copy !req
644. If I had to guess, I'd say somebody
was raped and murdered here.Copy !req
645. What the hell gives you that idea?Copy !req
646. I don't know. It's just a feeling.Copy !req
647. - Well?
- Nothing yet.Copy !req
648. Good thing is,
there's no evidence of a struggle.Copy !req
649. No blood or clothing or anything.Copy !req
650. And we haven't found
a single drop of semen yet.Copy !req
651. Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.Copy !req
652. But she doesn't know I'm coming.
It's a surprise.Copy !req
653. How nice. How can I help you?Copy !req
654. I've never been here before.
I don't know where she lives.Copy !req
655. What's her name? I can look it up.Copy !req
656. Oh, OK. Tiffany Henderson.Copy !req
657. Do I know you?Copy !req
658. No, you don't.
Actually, I know your boyfriend.Copy !req
659. OK. Who are you?Copy !req
660. I'm Beth.
Could we just sit down for a minute?Copy !req
661. OK.Copy !req
662. Um, this is really hard for me,Copy !req
663. but it's definitely
something you should hear.Copy !req
664. Your boyfriend is cheating on you...
with me.Copy !req
665. We were together Thursday night.Copy !req
666. Twice.Copy !req
667. And once again Friday morning.Copy !req
668. I thought you should know.Copy !req
669. Sorry.Copy !req
670. Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
671. - Who's that guy?
- That's her boyfriend.Copy !req
672. THAT's her boyfriend?Copy !req
673. Yeah. He's been cheating on her.Copy !req
674. Baby, I love you!Copy !req
675. I- I'm sorry,Copy !req
676. but you have the most beautiful feet.Copy !req
677. Ohh... Would you like
a foot massage?Copy !req
678. No, I would not like a foot massage.Copy !req
679. I would hate
a foot massage!Copy !req
680. OK. I'm sorry. Relax.Copy !req
681. Are there any guys out there
who are just normal? Huh?Copy !req
682. Unleash the fury, Mitch.Copy !req
683. Unleash the fury.Copy !req
684. Come on, Mitch.Copy !req
685. Eat him.Copy !req
686. Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.Copy !req
687. He's right there. Kill him.Copy !req
688. Maim him. Bite him.Copy !req
689. UNLEASH THE FURY!Copy !req
690. Wow, this is cool.Copy !req
691. I've never been in
a fraternity house before.Copy !req
692. Is this gonna work?Copy !req
693. Of course it's gonna work.
I know the handshake.Copy !req
694. Hi.Copy !req
695. - Hi. Can I help you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
696. I'm Rubin Carver,
a Xi Chi brother from Ithaca.Copy !req
697. We're just passing through
and looking for a place to party,Copy !req
698. maybe even a place to crash.Copy !req
699. Xi. Chi. Xi, Chi.
Xi, Xi, Xi.Copy !req
700. Chi.Copy !req
701. Hmph.Copy !req
702. Ahem. Uh, everyone, this is Rubin.Copy !req
703. Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity
brother from our Ithaca chapter.Copy !req
704. These are his friends.Copy !req
705. Listen, uh, we've interrupted
your dinner so we'll just...Copy !req
706. Hey, don't be crazy.Copy !req
707. There's plenty of food to go around.Copy !req
708. You guys are welcome to stay.Copy !req
709. You know, this food's pretty good.Copy !req
710. Hey, you do realise
this is a national black fraternity?Copy !req
711. They know you're not a member.Copy !req
712. I'm sorry. I don't think
about that kind of stuff.Copy !req
713. OK, relax. OK?
They're just messing with us.Copy !req
714. They're pissed because he lied.Copy !req
715. - I say we get out of here.
- Shh, relax.Copy !req
716. Someone's got some explaining to do.Copy !req
717. - Look what we found in his bag.
- What? What is that?Copy !req
718. No, I've never seen that before!Copy !req
719. What are you doin'?
Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?Copy !req
720. - Whoa, whoa. That is not ours.
- That's not mine!Copy !req
721. OK, hold on, th-there's
obviously some explanation.Copy !req
722. Yeah, there is. See, your boy's
an evil bigot and now he's gonna die.Copy !req
723. Justice!Copy !req
724. Kyle. Kyle.Copy !req
725. Kyle!Copy !req
726. There you are. I thought we lost you.Copy !req
727. - Am I in the hospital?
- You passed out.Copy !req
728. They were messin' with us, Kyle.
It was a joke.Copy !req
729. Racist?
But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.Copy !req
730. It was a joke, outtie. A joke!Copy !req
731. I get it.Copy !req
732. Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.Copy !req
733. Yeah. Oh, that's funny.Copy !req
734. Whoa.Copy !req
735. I need a wine cooler.Copy !req
736. - Hey, have mine.
- Thanks.Copy !req
737. Isn't he just
the cutest little thing?Copy !req
738. Oh, yeah, Kyle's the man!Copy !req
739. You mean never? Not even once?Copy !req
740. Well... I mean, I've had sex before.Copy !req
741. Just, um,Copy !req
742. never with a person.Copy !req
743. Right.Copy !req
744. Well, I think that's kinda cool.Copy !req
745. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
746. I mean, you should hold out.
It should be special.Copy !req
747. Wait till you're in love.Copy !req
748. I think I love you.Copy !req
749. You are so cute.Copy !req
750. I take it you don't have a condom?Copy !req
751. Uh... no.Copy !req
752. Um, I guess I'm all out.Copy !req
753. Well, Lawrence probably has some.Copy !req
754. Why don't you try that drawer?Copy !req
755. Next to the Old Spice,
behind the belts.Copy !req
756. Good guess.Copy !req
757. You know what?Copy !req
758. Um, I don't exactly know
what I'm doing and, um...Copy !req
759. I'm... Oof.Copy !req
760. Shhh. Relax, baby.
Let Rhonda handle this.Copy !req
761. - Thanks for a great time.
- Take care.Copy !req
762. Stay cool.Copy !req
763. Hey, Devon.Copy !req
764. What's up?Copy !req
765. Let's go, Kyle.
We want details. What happened?Copy !req
766. Well, we had a few drinks,Copy !req
767. danced a little, and, you know...Copy !req
768. No, we don't know.
Why don't you tell us?Copy !req
769. What the hell is that?Copy !req
770. Did you kill a cheetah?Copy !req
771. What? No. These are her underwear.
She gave 'em to me.Copy !req
772. I boinked her!Copy !req
773. Boinked?Copy !req
774. Yeah, did you just say
the word "boinked? "Copy !req
775. Well, Kyle,Copy !req
776. I hope you got the boinking
out of your system,Copy !req
777. cos we got a lot of driving
to do today.Copy !req
778. Do not get your hopes up
about visiting Graceland,Copy !req
779. cos we're about the mission at hand.Copy !req
780. - Josh.
- What?Copy !req
781. That sounds like a good plan,
except for one little thing.Copy !req
782. - What little thing?
- We're out of money.Copy !req
783. OK, before you fill out these,
I have to ask some questions.Copy !req
784. If you qualify, you can
make a sperm deposit. Understood?Copy !req
785. Mm-hmm. Fire away.Copy !req
786. Tell the truth, because if you don't
the test will and you won't get paid.Copy !req
787. So, first off, have any of you
done any drugs in the past 36 hours?Copy !req
788. And that includes marijuana.Copy !req
789. OK, next.Copy !req
790. Have any of you had sex
or masturbated in the past 24 hours?Copy !req
791. Well, I guess I'm out.Copy !req
792. Because I had sex last night...Copy !req
793. with a girl!Copy !req
794. That's nice.Copy !req
795. You'll find everything you need
in these binders.Copy !req
796. Would you each take a cup.Copy !req
797. - PK.
- And yours.Copy !req
798. I'd appreciate it if you'd
return those after you're finished.Copy !req
799. OK. Uh, thanks.Copy !req
800. Cheers.Copy !req
801. Excuse me. Do you have anything
with Asian women?Copy !req
802. I have this thing for Asian chicks,
and there's none here.Copy !req
803. This isn't Peep World.
Our selection is limited.Copy !req
804. - You're gonna have to make do.
- OK.Copy !req
805. You've been more than helpful.Copy !req
806. Is something wrong?Copy !req
807. Well, no.Copy !req
808. But... I just couldn't help
but notice that...Copy !req
809. Is there something between us?Copy !req
810. I mean, I was thinking
that maybe you might want to...Copy !req
811. I don't know...
help me out with a little...Copy !req
812. professional assistance?Copy !req
813. Do you need some help?Copy !req
814. Yes, I do.Copy !req
815. 'Dr Morris, dial 1-1-8, please.Copy !req
816. 'Dr Morris, please dial 1-1-8.'Copy !req
817. The moment I saw you out there,
I thought you were incredible.Copy !req
818. You're not like most of the girls
I know. You're a woman.Copy !req
819. That's fine. Turn around, drop your
pants, hands flat on the table.Copy !req
820. Oh, my God.Copy !req
821. - This is great. Wow. Like this?
- Exactly.Copy !req
822. I have to admit,
I love you in that uniform.Copy !req
823. Do those nylons go all the way up,
or are they, like thigh high?Copy !req
824. I'm gonna perform a procedure
called milking the prostate.Copy !req
825. It's an anally-induced ejaculation.Copy !req
826. Anal?Copy !req
827. You're gonna feel strong pressure
from inside your rectum.Copy !req
828. Come on, you don't have
to get all scientific, baby.Copy !req
829. I mean, we can just talk...Copy !req
830. Stop! OK, keep doin' it. Yaaah!Copy !req
831. Right there! Ahhh!Copy !req
832. Oh, my God! Ohhh!Copy !req
833. OK. All done.Copy !req
834. That was awesome!Copy !req
835. Wait. Wait. Does that work?Copy !req
836. I mean,
is it even medically possible?Copy !req
837. Oh, yeah, it works.Copy !req
838. It works like a charm.Copy !req
839. But back to our story.Copy !req
840. 'It was Sunday morning
back in Ithaca,Copy !req
841. 'when things suddenly took
an unexpected turn.'Copy !req
842. I'm a mouse.
I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.Copy !req
843. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me.Copy !req
844. Come on.Copy !req
845. You better eat him, Mitch,
before I do.Copy !req
846. He's tasty.Copy !req
847. He's tasty, Mitch. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
848. - Mmm! Mmm!
- Why'd you lie to me?Copy !req
849. I didn't lie.Copy !req
850. You-you told me
that Josh went to Boston.Copy !req
851. - I didn't. I said Austin.
- You said Boston.Copy !req
852. Because of you,
some guy's life is ruined.Copy !req
853. So what? Besides, wherever he went,
he went because of you.Copy !req
854. - What do you mean, because of me?
- Look, it's obvious.Copy !req
855. Josh likes you. It's disgusting.Copy !req
856. I knew you'd come back.Copy !req
857. - What do you want?
- So, how was your getaway with Josh?Copy !req
858. - I wasn't with Josh.
- Sure. Doesn't matter, though.Copy !req
859. Cos Josh won't be back next semester.Copy !req
860. He's about to flunk philosophy.Copy !req
861. - What are you talking about?
- He thinks that he has an extension,Copy !req
862. but thanks to
a... certain someone - me -Copy !req
863. he doesn't.Copy !req
864. - He's an idiot.
- You psycho.Copy !req
865. Oh, my God!Copy !req
866. 'That night I set the guys up
at my grandparents' house.Copy !req
867. 'I haven't been there in a long time.Copy !req
868. 'When I was seven years old
I set their dog on fireCopy !req
869. 'and wasn't invited back.Copy !req
870. 'But I hear it's still real nice.'Copy !req
871. I'm serious. "Please",
"Thank you", "This is delicious"Copy !req
872. are the only words
you're allowed to say.Copy !req
873. What? I'm great with old people.
Grandmas love me.Copy !req
874. Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. "Manilow"?Copy !req
875. - Barry's last name is Manilow?
- Yeah.Copy !req
876. - His name is Barry Manilow?
- Yeah.Copy !req
877. - Hi!
- Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
878. Oh, look at you boys.Copy !req
879. Jack, they're here!Copy !req
880. Jack, Barry's friends are here.
Come and say hi.Copy !req
881. The boys are here.Copy !req
882. - Oh, hey, fellas.
- Hi.Copy !req
883. - Hey, how's it going?
- Wait. Let me get up.Copy !req
884. - I'll give you guys the full tour.
- Oh, honey!Copy !req
885. Careful. Your boner!Copy !req
886. Well, what do you want me to do,
cut it off?Copy !req
887. I'll tell you what, fellas,Copy !req
888. we'll start by showin'
you where you're gonna sleep.Copy !req
889. I'll show you
what we call the guest room.Copy !req
890. Follow me, boys. The guest room...Copy !req
891. Excuse me.Copy !req
892. You remember this kid?Copy !req
893. No, sure don't.Copy !req
894. Fuckin' airhead.Copy !req
895. Let me ask you once more.
Have you seen my son?Copy !req
896. Ow. Now that you mention it,
there were a few guys in.Copy !req
897. If you loosen my arm,
I could get their bill.Copy !req
898. Use your other arm.Copy !req
899. - How many were there?
- A few.Copy !req
900. One of 'em was trying to score drugs.Copy !req
901. Honey, look. They made two calls to
Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.Copy !req
902. Havin' a smoke?Copy !req
903. Uh... yeah, yeah.Copy !req
904. I can't sleep, either.Copy !req
905. Goddam Viagra
gets my heart racing like a lab rat.Copy !req
906. Are you OK?Copy !req
907. - You look kinda goofy.
- No. No, it's nothing.Copy !req
908. - Come on, out with it.
- OK.Copy !req
909. Well... I almost died two days ago.Copy !req
910. - What?
- Our car exploded.Copy !req
911. I could be dead right now.Copy !req
912. And since that happened,
I find myself asking why.Copy !req
913. You know? Like...Copy !req
914. What is my reason for living?Copy !req
915. Are you gonna
pass that doobie, or what?Copy !req
916. Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
917. Uh, thanks.Copy !req
918. You know what your problem is?Copy !req
919. You're all brains.
Not enough cock and balls.Copy !req
920. Actually, uh, people have been
telling me that my whole life.Copy !req
921. In the sixth grade I got so worried
about the situation in Iraq,Copy !req
922. that I was on
an adult dosage of Xanax.Copy !req
923. And by eighth grade,
I was in therapy three times a week.Copy !req
924. And the truth is, weed is the
only thing that could balance me out.Copy !req
925. You know what I mean? Like...Copy !req
926. You PK?Copy !req
927. Hey, old man.Copy !req
928. I got the fuckin' munchies real bad.Copy !req
929. How 'bout you?Copy !req
930. OK, Tiffany,
it's time to stop being so sad.Copy !req
931. Look at all this mail you got!Copy !req
932. Look how many nice people
care about you.Copy !req
933. You even got a package from Josh.Copy !req
934. Really?Copy !req
935. Shall we open it
and see what he says?Copy !req
936. Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.Copy !req
937. - It's a tape.
- Oh.Copy !req
938. Well, pop it in.Copy !req
939. Maybe I should watch this on my own.Copy !req
940. Oh, come on.Copy !req
941. This'll definitely cheer you up.Copy !req
942. 'What do you look for
in a girl? 'Copy !req
943. 'Well, let's see.
She should be smart...'Copy !req
944. 'and, um, funny.Copy !req
945. 'And, uh...Copy !req
946. 'That's good... that's good, too.'Copy !req
947. 'What else do you look for? 'Copy !req
948. 'Um... She should be, uh, attractive.Copy !req
949. 'And, um, topless.Copy !req
950. - 'Uh-huh.'
- 'And she should kiss me.'Copy !req
951. - Bye-bye.
- You boys be good now.Copy !req
952. - Bye-bye.
- I'll tell Barry you said hello.Copy !req
953. Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me
some blueberry pancakes. Now.Copy !req
954. Excuse me. Ahem.Copy !req
955. www. episodetwo/spoilers...Copy !req
956. back slash...Copy !req
957. OK, look.
Some people are hereCopy !req
958. and they are being very rude.Copy !req
959. OK. Call you back.Copy !req
960. I'm sorry, but we need your help.Copy !req
961. - Do you know Tiffany Henderson?
- Room 109.Copy !req
962. Well, her grandfather died,Copy !req
963. and she asked me
to pick up her mail.Copy !req
964. Oh, how sad. Do you have the key?Copy !req
965. Well, she didn't bring it to the
funeral so I was hoping you could...Copy !req
966. Oh, I'm sorry,
but you need the key.Copy !req
967. Don't worry. Her mail will be here,
safe and sound.Copy !req
968. It's not like that, you see?
She needs something.Copy !req
969. - This is an emergency.
- Don't make a big deal out of it.Copy !req
970. Well, it's not a big deal, but
you need the key. Rules are rules.Copy !req
971. No one's asking you to do anything
wrong. Just, you know, look away.Copy !req
972. Go have an Eskimo pie.Copy !req
973. You guys are gonna have to leave.Copy !req
974. We're not leaving without that mail.Copy !req
975. Listen to the man before you get
some Jackie Chan on your face.Copy !req
976. - Come on, let's go.
- That means now, asshole.Copy !req
977. Jesus!Copy !req
978. I think he broke my nose. Oh, God!Copy !req
979. Come on, Susie.Copy !req
980. - You're a wrestler?
- You bet, Mary. You wanna go?Copy !req
981. - Let me see it.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
982. All right.Copy !req
983. - Who's my bitch?
- What?Copy !req
984. That's it. No, no, no!Copy !req
985. OK, everyone, freeze!Copy !req
986. This here is pepper spray,
and we will use it.Copy !req
987. These guys jumped me.
I was just sitting behind my desk!Copy !req
988. Kyle?Copy !req
989. - Dad?
- That's your dad?Copy !req
990. Freeze now! Everybody freeze!Copy !req
991. Put your weapon down now!Copy !req
992. My son was kidnapped!Copy !req
993. Whoa, whoa... Who was kidnapped?Copy !req
994. I wasn't kidnapped.
These are my friends from school.Copy !req
995. What are you talkin' about?Copy !req
996. We all drove down here together.Copy !req
997. What?Copy !req
998. Then explain to me how
the frigging car got blown to hell!Copy !req
999. - Well, see...
- It was stolen.Copy !req
1000. That's right. Tell him, Kyle.Copy !req
1001. Uh-huh. Exactly.Copy !req
1002. Stolen?Copy !req
1003. What about the damned credit card?Copy !req
1004. It was inside,
and that was stolen, too.Copy !req
1005. Bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why
didn't you tell us where you were?Copy !req
1006. Because I knew you'd get mad! See?Copy !req
1007. - I'm not mad! You're going with me.
- Josh?Copy !req
1008. - Tiffany!
- What the... What's going on?Copy !req
1009. - Nothing.
- Damn, dude, she is hot!Copy !req
1010. My girlfriend's pagin' me.
Can we let them go?Copy !req
1011. - Good idea.
- No one is going anywhere!Copy !req
1012. - He's comin' with me.
- Get off of me!Copy !req
1013. I'm going back with these guys.Copy !req
1014. Shut your mouth and don't talk back.Copy !req
1015. Why don't YOU shut up?Copy !req
1016. What the hell did you just say to me?Copy !req
1017. I said, you shut up.Copy !req
1018. You've always told me
to stand up for myself.Copy !req
1019. Well, now I am.
Leave me alone, you jerk!Copy !req
1020. You ungrateful...Copy !req
1021. - What...
- Go this way.Copy !req
1022. Go away! Go away!Copy !req
1023. What was that all about? I mean,
Josh, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1024. I just missed you. That's all.Copy !req
1025. I missed you, too, but it's crazy
for you to drive all the way here.Copy !req
1026. What?
I thought you'd be glad to see me.Copy !req
1027. I am. But Josh, you have your
entire life to live up at school.Copy !req
1028. This isn't healthy. Besides...Copy !req
1029. I realised a few things
this past week.Copy !req
1030. You did? Like what?Copy !req
1031. Like, we're in college.Copy !req
1032. The window of opportunity to go out
and have fun and meet new peopleCopy !req
1033. is getting smaller by the day.Copy !req
1034. - It is?
- Come on, Josh.Copy !req
1035. We've been together forever.Copy !req
1036. I mean... you're pretty much
the only guy I've ever been with.Copy !req
1037. What do you mean,
"pretty much the only guy"?Copy !req
1038. Well, I was 14, and you were away
at camp, but that was years ago.Copy !req
1039. Besides,
we're in different area codes.Copy !req
1040. I've been thinking a lot
about us, too.Copy !req
1041. The real reason I drove down...Copy !req
1042. Hold that thought.Copy !req
1043. Hello?Copy !req
1044. Yeah, he's right here.Copy !req
1045. Who is this?Copy !req
1046. Hold on.Copy !req
1047. It's for you. It's Beth.Copy !req
1048. Who's Beth?Copy !req
1049. Uh...Copy !req
1050. Beth? What are you doing?Copy !req
1051. I'm not sure what's going on between
us but I need to tell you something.Copy !req
1052. I'm actually glad you called,
cos I wanted to tell you something.Copy !req
1053. OK, you first.Copy !req
1054. I can't really talk right now,Copy !req
1055. but I'll explain everything
when I get back.Copy !req
1056. 'OK? Really. I promise.'Copy !req
1057. Uh, I- I gotta get going, OK?Copy !req
1058. - Wait! Do you want to hear mine?
- Right. Sorry.Copy !req
1059. Is it good?Copy !req
1060. Not really. Jacob lied to you.Copy !req
1061. There's no extension
on your mid-term.Copy !req
1062. What?Copy !req
1063. 'He tried to trick you. If you
don't get back you're gonna fail.'Copy !req
1064. Shit!Copy !req
1065. 'She should be smart and funny.'Copy !req
1066. - 'Aren't you glad I called? '
- Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
1067. I'll call you as soon
as I get back, OK? Bye.Copy !req
1068. - Is this for me?
- Hmm?Copy !req
1069. Oh, God, no, no, no! You don't...Copy !req
1070. What the hell is this?Copy !req
1071. 'I can see myself on TV,
I think it must be rewound.'Copy !req
1072. It's Barry.Copy !req
1073. 'Hey, look...Copy !req
1074. 'Look at that. I can see my bum.Copy !req
1075. Why would you send this to me?Copy !req
1076. So wait - you guys broke up,
then you hugged and then you left?Copy !req
1077. Yeah, pretty much.Copy !req
1078. Loser! Always have sex with the girl
one last time before you break up.Copy !req
1079. Everyone knows that!Copy !req
1080. It's not like that. I've known her
my whole life. She's my best friend.Copy !req
1081. So, what do we do now?Copy !req
1082. - Wanna smoke some drugs?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
1083. My mid-term starts in exactly
46 hours so I got to get back.Copy !req
1084. Although I'm gonna fail anyway,
so it doesn't matter but...Copy !req
1085. - Which class was it?
- Ancient Philosophy.Copy !req
1086. I can teach you ancient philosophy
in 46 hours.Copy !req
1087. You can?Copy !req
1088. I can teach a monkey in 46 hours.Copy !req
1089. You just got to find a way
to relate to the material.Copy !req
1090. Like, OK...
You like pro wrestling, don't you?Copy !req
1091. - Who doesn't?
- OK.Copy !req
1092. Socrates was like
the Vince McMahon of philosophy.Copy !req
1093. He started it all.Copy !req
1094. Oh, what was the 20-Man Battle Royal?Copy !req
1095. Participation explains predication.
Aristotle.Copy !req
1096. Right.Copy !req
1097. You know this! You'll be fine.Copy !req
1098. Freeze, right there! Don't move!Copy !req
1099. Is this philosophy?Copy !req
1100. If you hear anything, give me a call.Copy !req
1101. A bomb threat is serious.
Take my card.Copy !req
1102. OK, let's move it.Copy !req
1103. What's goin' on
with this bomb threat?Copy !req
1104. False alarm, people.
Everyone back inside.Copy !req
1105. We're gonna do this thing.
That's right.Copy !req
1106. - Josh.
- Beth!Copy !req
1107. Hey, um... thanks for calling.Copy !req
1108. Uh, it's been a really weird week.Copy !req
1109. So, how'd you do?Copy !req
1110. On the exam? Pretty good, actually.Copy !req
1111. - You did?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1112. Were you surprised?Copy !req
1113. You weren't back
in time for the exam,Copy !req
1114. so I, uh, called in a bomb threat.Copy !req
1115. You did that?Copy !req
1116. That's insane.Copy !req
1117. I wasn't gonna let Jacob
get you kicked out.Copy !req
1118. Besides, I might need you
around next semester.Copy !req
1119. So I did good, right?Copy !req
1120. Good?Copy !req
1121. That's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.Copy !req
1122. Mom?Copy !req
1123. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1124. Mom?Copy !req
1125. I got carried away
with the story there.Copy !req
1126. So, anyway,
Josh got a B+ on his mid-term.Copy !req
1127. He got to stay in college.Copy !req
1128. 'And he and Beth are still together.Copy !req
1129. 'They're still really into
making their... home movies.Copy !req
1130. 'In fact, they have about 70 hours
of unedited amateur video.'Copy !req
1131. It's pretty wild.Copy !req
1132. I know, because I bought some of it.Copy !req
1133. That guy Jacob?Copy !req
1134. 'He left school. He went on to become
the leader of some cult in Iowa.Copy !req
1135. 'He tried organising a mass suicide.Copy !req
1136. 'Only problem is,
he drank the Kool-Aid firstCopy !req
1137. 'and, well, everyone else
just kind of changed their minds.'Copy !req
1138. Too bad.Copy !req
1139. As for Rubin... Remember Rubin?Copy !req
1140. Remember how he claimed that
he was destined for great things?Copy !req
1141. The people of Earth need me.Copy !req
1142. Well, he was right.Copy !req
1143. Rubin used cross-pollination
to develop a strain of marijuanaCopy !req
1144. that is not only remarkably potent...Copy !req
1145. but completely undetectable
by any drug tests.Copy !req
1146. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1147. 'He was named
High Times' man of the year.'Copy !req
1148. As for EL, despite his
swinging philosophy on sexuality,Copy !req
1149. he got serious with some girl he met.Copy !req
1150. And you want me to use two fingers?Copy !req
1151. 'I believe she was pre-med.'Copy !req
1152. Did I say two? Better make it three.Copy !req
1153. Then there's Kyle.Copy !req
1154. 'Kyle and his father
reconciled their differences.'Copy !req
1155. Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1156. 'He brought his girlfriend home.'Copy !req
1157. Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.Copy !req
1158. Dad, this is Rhonda.Copy !req
1159. Merry Christmas, Dad.Copy !req
1160. Come here.Copy !req
1161. That's the end of the tour.Copy !req
1162. I hope you strongly consider becoming
part of the Ithaca tradition,Copy !req
1163. as we lead future generations
of young peopleCopy !req
1164. forward into the new century.Copy !req
1165. Thanks a lot. You were great. Thanks.Copy !req
1166. - Thank you so much.
- No, it was fun.Copy !req
1167. I'll see you in the fall.
Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1168. - OK. Thank you.
- I'd like to say thank you.Copy !req
1169. I mean, uh, that was...Copy !req
1170. really great.Copy !req