Ricky Stanicky (2024)

1. What are you? A dog or a cow?

2. I'm a dog, but not just a dog.

3. I'm a dog with a boner. Check it out!

4. Well, there it is. Is the poop ready?

5. That's a roger on the poop.

6. Oh, holy crap, how big was that dog?

7. Small, but there was seven of them.

8. I'll give you three reasons why this is a bad idea.

9. One, cops. Two, dogs.

10. Three, NRA front door.

11. Quit worrying, Dean. These people deserve it.

12. They never give out candy.

13. Yeah, but remember last time we pulled something like this?

14. Dean got his arm broke.

15. That's because he ran off alone and fell in a ditch.

16. If he just sticks with us, he'll be fine.

17. Come on! Let's do this.

18. Okay...

19. - Go!

20. Ahh, uh-oh...

21. It's getting kinda big-ish.

22. - Come on! - Quick!

23. No!

24. Doo-doo in mouth! Doo-doo in mouth!

25. Let's get out of here!

26. We can't - there's people in there!

27. Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

28. The scarecrow set your house on fire.

29. No one's home. We gotta call 911!

30. Dude! You're seriously overreacting.

31. Call 911!

32. Hey, look! They do give out candy.

33. We're so dead!

34. Oh, my God! My father's going to kill me.

35. Come on, let's go. Let's get out of here.

36. Wait! Wait a second, I got an idea.

37. - Who's got a pen? - Use Wes's dick!

38. Quick! Give me a first name.

39. Zeus!

40. A kid's name!

41. - Ricky! - Okay.

42. Now a last name.

43. I got it! Stanton.

44. Wait, no! What? That's my last name.

45. So? Your first name's not Ricky.

46. - Come on. - Come on.

47. Go!

48. Check this out.

49. Numb-nuts kid caught his jacket on fire during his prank.

50. Here's the best part.

51. His mommy wrote his name on the collar.

52. 'Ricky Stanicky'?

53. Dumb shit.

54. Bad news, Chief. Just heard back.

55. No Stanickys in the school district.

56. Kid must be from out of town.

57. Shit.

58. I can't believe that actually worked.

59. Guys, I think we just made a friend for life.

60. Want to grab a quick drink?

61. Why would you have a quick drink...

62. when you can have the long drink?

63. In Finland, the happiest country on Earth,

64. we invented the long drink...

65. That's it for the beer in the garage.

66. Do we need to run out and get more?

67. No. That's perfect.

68. You sure?

69. - Yeah. The place looks amazing. - Yeah?

70. Maybe this would be a good side hustle for us.

71. Erin and Dean's baby showers.

72. - I like it. - Yeah.

73. And that's when Gilbert Gines realized

74. that the answer to gang violence

75. may be found in the spit-valve of a well-worn trumpet.

76. What is this?

77. Uh, it's a show called 'Hero of the Week'.

78. It's about everyday people who do these incredible things.

79. My producer at Channel 6 wants me to submit for it.

80. He says he has a good contact there.

81. Well, what are you waiting for?

82. Well, if I want MFMBC to notice me,

83. what I need are better assignments,

84. but all I get are these babies-who-Tweet stories.

85. Mm!

86. Speaking of babies,

87. can you please hang these pictures up for me, over there.

88. It's JT and Susan's baby pictures.

89. Jesus, God! Was JT born with adult teeth?

90. Oh, come on, his teeth are cute. Look at that.

91. Cute? He looks like hillbilly Hitler.

92. - You think all babies are cute. - All babies are cute.

93. Yeah, sure.

94. And the remotes are sticky for like 20 years.

95. Well, there are good things

96. about having kids too, you know.

97. - Really? - Yeah.

98. I don't remember my parents feeling that way.

99. You don't think your parents enjoyed having kids?

100. It doesn't matter. What we have is way better.

101. It's what we always talked about.

102. Hmm.

103. I love you.

104. You love me.

105. - We love Paul. - Hmm.

106. - And we don't need anyone else.

107. Oh, my God! JT, leave me alone!

108. It is my baby shower, I'm going to have one drink. One!

109. Dr. Kurihara said it is perfectly fine. Hello.

110. Dr. Kurihara is part of the medical industrial complex,

111. and Midwife Maggie said you're on a strict vegan diet

112. and absolutely no alcohol.

113. Okay, well you are not Midwife Maggie, you are my husband.

114. Yeah, I know, but I'm also Daddy Doula.

115. - That's my job. - You gotta stop saying that.

116. You're going to make the baby throw up.

117. They can't... Can they throw up inside of there?

118. Wait, JT's your doula?

119. Yeah, he also wants to be naked when the baby is born.

120. - Don't you? - I don't want to be naked.

121. I just want my shirt off, okay,

122. for the first embrace, skin to skin.

123. - It's a bonding thing.

124. - Good. - Hey, you better get that.

125. That's the fourth time Ricky called in, like, 20 minutes.

126. Yeah, see what he wants, man.

127. He's been blowing me up all day.

128. - Really? - Yeah.

129. All right.

130. Stanicky! What up, man? How's it going?

131. I'm going to get you a tea, not wine, don't drink.

132. Yeah, hey I'm in the middle of something right now. I just...

133. Are you serious?

134. Uh-huh. Okay.

135. Well, just do me a favor and have someone call me

136. when you get out of surgery, all right?

137. So you're all alone?

138. Shit, man, that sucks.

139. All right, hang in there.

140. We'll all be sending you positive vibes

141. from over here, buddy.

142. Love you too, man.

143. What's going on? What did he say?

144. It's back.

145. What's back?

146. - The cancer. - Oh, God.

147. I thought he was out of the woods.

148. Poor guy.

149. Are they going to have to remove the...

150. other testicle?

151. And can they even do that?

152. I thought you needed at least one to live.

153. What? No! That's kidneys, dumbo.

154. Where is he?

155. He's in a hospital in Albany.

156. Albany? Why is he in Albany?

157. He flew in from Nairobi to meet with some non-profits

158. and he had an attack.

159. They're gonna open him up tonight.

160. Dean, you should drive out there.

161. The poor guy's all alone.

162. I can't go tonight. What about the baby shower?

163. And Summerhayes is going to be here.

164. What? You're worried about your boss?

165. Come on, he's just business.

166. Ricky's been there for you guys your whole lives.

167. Dude, just go. I've got Summerhayes covered.

168. What? No, no, no, no.

169. You should call him

170. and tell him you have a family emergency.

171. You should go with Dean.

172. Are you serious? Babe, we can't both bail on the boss.

173. Yes! Yes, you can.

174. I mean, he'll probably be relieved

175. that he doesn't have to go to a baby shower.

176. Well, looks like we're going to Albany.

177. You were right, man -

178. the Summerhayes thing totally put it over the top.

179. The Devil's in the details, my friend.

180. What the hell took y'all so long?

181. - The flight leaves in an hour. - Oh, sorry.

182. We were doing all the work

183. executing our brilliant last-minute plan.

184. Who made the Stanicky calls?

185. Who cares who did what, Wes? The point is it worked.

186. We got out of a baby shower,

187. and we got tickets to Marc-fucking-Rebillet!

188. - Whoo!

189. - How'd you score those babies? - Yeah, this guy we work with

190. broke one of his ankles last night.

191. He fell out of a tree trying to get his kid's balloon.

192. - Poor guy. - So we got his tickets.

193. Goddamn, y'all so lucky, man!

194. This kind of shit happens to you all the time.

195. Hey! Good things happen to good people.

196. That's right. Atlantic City, here we come.

197. Let's tear New Jersey a new armpit!

198. Whoa!

199. It's not the same but it feels just as good.

200. I mean, you just have to have sex on the side like a walrus.

201. Won't that dent the baby's head?

202. I had a friend named Liam, and his head got all dick-dented.

203. I think maybe his mother had a short vagina.

204. Just looking out for baby Whitaker.

205. So you still going with Whitaker, huh?

206. We are! It's a family name. All right?

207. - Oh, that's nice. - Yeah, thank you.

208. You guys know the rules.

209. Phones off, so we don't get tracked.

210. - Mm-hm. - Yep.

211. - All right. Wes. - I'm Wes.

212. - Bible! - Ooh.

213. All right...

214. What we got?

215. - Ricky's cancer's back. - Oh, no.

216. Emergency surgery in Albany.

217. Oh, that's terrible. Emergency surgery...

218. Hey, why does it have to be cancer?

219. Like, won't everybody get worried?

220. That mean I gotta do chemo again?

221. Yeah, and that's going to take us right into the World Series.

222. - Ahh. - Boom!

223. All right, one final bit of business before we land.

224. Stanicky phone. Let's get this Instagram out of the way.

225. There we go.

226. - "Life is precious." - It is.

227. - "And so is friendship." - Hmm.

228. "Thanks to my boys for being here for me."

229. Good.

230. All right, are we done? Is it get drunk time?

231. - Yeah. - A toast!

232. To Ricky Stanicky.

233. To Ricky Stanicky.

234. The best friend we never had.

235. Yoo!

236. - Woo-hoo-hoo!

237. God, that was good! That was amazing!

238. - Thank you, Ricky Stanicky. - The fucking Loop Daddy!

239. Unbelievable, dude.

240. It makes all that guilt I'm feeling totally worthwhile.

241. Why do we even have to feel guilt?

242. We could have just told them.

243. You know, and cut out that whole angst part.

244. No, because the Rebillet tickets

245. fell into our lap this morning,

246. and the girls have had the baby shower planned for weeks.

247. Yeah. Yeah, but they're strong women.

248. I'm sure they would've gotten over

249. us skipping one little party.

250. It's not one little party. It's my baby shower.

251. Oh, a Jack and Coke.

252. I'll have a Dos Equis, please. Hoo!

253. Do you have, uh... do you have organic vodka?

254. Just any vodka, it's all...

255. - Anything. - Thank you.

256. Speaking of vodka, I'll take a Belvedere, neat,

257. and a plate of your crispiest calamari.

258. No, no, Rod. No! Bad!

259. You keep freeloading off the customers

260. and you're out of here.

261. He loves giving me the business.

262. Just to be clear, I'm anything but a freeloader.

263. Just going to give you guys a little 'squid pro quo'

264. for the calamari.

265. Really? Meaning?

266. Oh, I do a midnight show at the Slot Swamp Casino.

267. I'll get you guys in, half price.

268. - What kind of show? - Ah. Check this out.

269. Boom!

270. Oh, shit! Yo!

271. "Rock Hard Rod -

272. "South Jersey's premier X-rated rock'n'roll impersonator".

273. That's not as crazy as it sounds.

274. I mean, most of the songs are just about masturbation,

275. and we all do that, right?

276. Yeah!

277. Actually, Rod, I don't think we'll be able to make the show,

278. but we'll buy you a drink

279. if you put your jerk-off hand down.

280. You drive a hard bargain, sir.

281. So, you do a bunch of jerk-off songs to make a living?

282. Yeah, I do a whole act.

283. Wall-to-wall, top-to-bottom jizz jams!

284. You'll be surprised at how much material lends itself to it.

285. I mean, 'Beat It', Michael Jackson.

286. 'Wind Beneath My Wings', Bette Midler.

287. - Anything by The Strokes! - Mm.

288. Yeah, and I'm the only one in the world

289. that's figured it out.

290. Yeah, it's almost hard to believe.

291. Oh, Barry, my dear friends here

292. will buy me that drink after all.

293. Oh, yeah, I also do impressions.

294. You name it, I can do it. I'm a trained actor, you know.

295. - I got a good one for you, Rod. - Yeah?

296. Why don't you do the guy that gets the fuck out of here

297. before I call security?

298. No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.

299. I think we'd like to see this.

300. And go ahead and bring him that drink.

301. Ha! And the calamari, Bar-ry!

302. Dickhead! Love that guy.

303. So, who do you guys want me to do?

304. You, er, I don't know, you like Owen Wilson?

305. - Sure. - We love Owen Wilson.

306. - Yeah, that's fine. - I would love some Owen Wilson.

307. Wow!

308. Where in the history of our relationship

309. did you think I couldn't do an impersonation

310. of somebody as adorable as The Big O?

311. That is an excellent Owen Wilson. That's a good Owen.

312. - It's okay. - Wow.

313. - It's not that good. - Thank you. Oh, er...

314. - I'm just... - Calamari's here, man.

315. All right, an oldie but a goodie.

316. Take a look at this tit, kid.

317. Probably the last one you're ever going to see

318. for the rest of your life.

319. Don't drink no more, Momma.

320. You're real mean when you drink stuff.

321. Quit your bitchin', ya sloppy punk.

322. You wanna know how you was hatched?

323. Your old man was basting my rump roast

324. and some of it dribbled into my woolly burger.

325. You know what that makes you?

326. A shit baby!

327. That's right, you're nothing but shit,

328. and you always will be!

329. Is... is that from 'Downton Abbey'?

330. That was, er...

331. just a little skit from my childhood.

332. Er, yeah...

333. I think it's time to hit the tables, boys. Huh?

334. Right on. Where are we going?

335. Copper Bonnet's the only place on the boardwalk

336. with 50-cent tables.

337. Not as many hookers, but they're friendlier -

338. they don't get weirded out

339. when you just wanna brush their hair.

340. Yeah, Rod, I think we're just going to stay around here.

341. Oh, here's great. I'm friends with the bartender, Barry.

342. Hey, Hard-on Ronnie, we are doing our own thing.

343. We got our thing going on,

344. and we're probably just gonna...

345. leave you.

346. Okay, I can take a hint.

347. You guys look at me

348. and you just see another scumbag impersonator, right?

349. Thanks for understanding, man. You're a good dude.

350. - What the hell, man? - What?

351. You didn't have to be so mean about it.

352. What? I wasn't... What did I do?

353. What? Was I being an asshole?

354. Well, you called him 'Hard-on Ronnie'.

355. It's 'Rock Hard Rod'.

356. Ohh, right, I'm so sorry.

357. I didn't know Weird Al Wankovic

358. would be so sensitive.

359. Rod! Hey, Rod!

360. These are mine.

361. I just wanted to say sorry for what happened back there.

362. My friends...

363. they just want it to be some kind of reunion, just us,

364. but that wasn't cool, so...

365. Whatever, I get it. Happens all the time.

366. You guys come in to AC

367. with your Toyota Avalons and your anesthesiologist money.

368. Strutting around like a bunch of big shots.

369. Let me tell you something.

370. We lost Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson

371. because of you fuckers, okay?

372. None of us are anesthesiologists.

373. Not here for the convention?

374. No.

375. Hey, I get it, man.

376. You look at me and see another asshole sideshow freak, right?

377. - Not at all. - I'm more than that.

378. I'm a damn good actor.

379. You'll see.

380. Shit!

381. Who are they?

382. Crazy fans I was trying to avoid.

383. Anyway, I gotta run. Hey, take my card.

384. Remember that name.

385. I promise it's going to mean something to you some day.

386. I would not be surprised.

387. Oh! Jeez.

388. Oh, my God! Yes! Yes!

389. - Give me my money right now! - JT! JT!

390. Not now, Dean. I'm on fire!

391. And for once I'm going to leave Atlantic City a winner!

392. Susan's in labor.

393. This was a bad idea. I knew this was a bad idea.

394. Don't friggin' do that, man.

395. You're 'Monday morning quarterbacking' right now.

396. Who could've figured she'd go into labor six weeks early?

397. Six weeks! My baby's going to be born six weeks early.

398. - Is he going to be okay? - The baby's going to fine.

399. Babies are born six weeks early all the time.

400. I was born six weeks early.

401. Oh, shit! Go, go, go! Go!

402. Susan Levine. What room is she in?

403. - Levine? - Yeah, Levine.

404. Ah, here we are. She and the baby are in 208.

405. She had the baby?

406. Oh, baby Whitaker.

407. This was not the birth plan I had for you.

408. I wanted you born on the shores of Goosewing Beach.

409. You know what my birth plan was?

410. For you to actually be here.

411. Why isn't he wearing a shirt?

412. I'm having skin-to-skin contact with my son, Leona.

413. It's a proven way of regulating a newborn baby's temperature,

414. and it calms him, thank you.

415. Don't blankets do that?

416. Oh, he is such a little peanut.

417. We should call him Shrimpy, he's such a little peanut.

418. Please don't call my grandson 'Shrimpy'.

419. Shrimps are the cockroaches of the sea.

420. 6lbs is pretty good for a month and a half early, right, Mom?

421. Oh, he's perfect. He's perfect.

422. I want to know where the hell you guys were tonight.

423. We called every hospital in Albany

424. and there was no record of a Ricky Stanicky.

425. Yeah, and the last thing you tell me

426. is you got to go see him because he's got...

427. What kind of cancer?

428. Er... anal.

429. I thought it was testicular.

430. It was testicular, but then it spread to his anus.

431. Yeah, they had to remove it.

432. They removed his asshole?

433. Er... just the outer lip part.

434. Outer lip part? What is he, a fucking baboon?

435. Come on, Wes. What's going on here?

436. Where were you?

437. Okay.

438. It was a lie.

439. It's all been a lie.

440. What's a lie?

441. The whole Ricky Stanicky thing.

442. It was, uh...

443. It's bullshit.

444. JT, what's he talking about?

445. Yeah, Dean, what is he talking about?

446. He's saying...

447. Ricky Stanicky lied to us.

448. Okay? There was no cancer.

449. When we got to the hospital, Ricky was standing out front

450. with a bottle of champagne and a limo.

451. Turns out that it was his five-year anniversary

452. being cancer free.

453. So he pretended to have cancer

454. just so he could celebrate not having cancer?

455. I... Yeah.

456. It's typical Rick.

457. You know, he's got such a weird sense of humour.

458. - He does, yep. - Okay...

459. He was in Albany meeting with the Give Green Foundation,

460. and I guess he just wanted to celebrate with us.

461. So he pranked us.

462. The Give Green Foundation?

463. Yeah. You've heard of them, Leona. They're wonderful.

464. Wait, why didn't you call us and tell us that he was okay?

465. And why was your phone off all night?

466. Oh, baby, it was a whirlwind.

467. Ricky took us to a stand-up comedy show

468. and they didn't allow cell phones, so...

469. And after that, the night turned into a blur.

470. You know I wanted to be here for you for this.

471. I wanted this more than you did.

472. Oh, get that baby off that thing

473. and give him to his mother.

474. Oh, that is disgusting!

475. No. It's dangerous to detach. Let him suck it out.

476. Yeah. Good boy.

477. This hippie-dippy crap.

478. Well, I'm certainly going to give Ricky an earful

479. when I see him at the bris next week.

480. What's a bris?

481. It's the circumcision ceremony.

482. Oh! It sounds like a soup.

483. You know, I doubt he's going to be able to be there, sadly.

484. Why not?

485. He has work in Nairobi.

486. No, he doesn't.

487. Wes is helping him out with some fundraiser

488. in Providence on Saturday night.

489. I remember telling... I told you.

490. Yeah.

491. Great. Well, the bris is on Sunday, so he can make it.

492. Yeah, maybe. Unless he's got to fly out early on Sunday.

493. Well, that's ridiculous.

494. Come on, if he's in town on Saturday,

495. why wouldn't he spend an extra day to meet baby Whitaker?

496. Yeah, why wouldn't he?

497. You're absolutely right. He should stay an extra day.

498. In fact, I'm going to make sure of it.

499. What the fuck, Dean?

500. What did you want me to say, man?

501. They were all staring at me.

502. I look at you. You've got baby Whitaker nursing on you.

503. Horrible name, by the way.

504. - I just— - You panicked.

505. I panicked?

506. What are you talk...? You're the one who almost outed us!

507. And you made plans with Stanicky!

508. Ricky Stanicky is not a one-man show. You know that!

509. It's a fragile fabric, man.

510. Ricky Stanicky is only to be used as a three-man team.

511. Huh.

512. So, what about the golf rounds with Ricky

513. that JT charged to your company?

514. - You weren't there. - What?

515. I charged the rounds of golf

516. because you didn't have any money.

517. Seriously, Wes. What happened in there, man?

518. Look.

519. Keith's been on my ass about finding a job,

520. and sleeping all day...

521. and pumicing my foot-skin over the sink.

522. What the fuck does this have to do with Stanicky?

523. I needed a break!

524. Keith can be very oppressive.

525. Sometimes I feel like I'm living

526. in a gay 'Handmaid's Tale'.

527. So I went to a pot farm, where they make cannabis milk.

528. You played the Stanicky card to get pot milk?

529. You never had milk like this before.

530. - No, I haven't. - It's delicious.

531. I hope!

532. They must feed these lucky cows weed all day,

533. because when they milk 'em - boom!

534. Dream cream!

535. What did you just say?

536. Dream cream.

537. Huh!

538. We're fucked. We're majorly fucked.

539. You know, we don't deserve this shit.

540. All we did was tell one lie.

541. Hundreds and hundreds of times over many, many years.

542. Hey, maybe they'll forget

543. that they invited Stanicky to the bris.

544. They'll be so busy with the family and friends,

545. and cutting of penises.

546. They're not going to forget they invited him, Wes.

547. I got it. My boy Jonesy.

548. He works for one of those online obituaries.

549. We could kill Stanicky off.

550. I like that. Let's kill his ass.

551. Put your hands down, shit nuts.

552. Obituaries give details. Friends, family, cemeteries.

553. Plus then everyone's going to want to go to the funeral.

554. Okay, Dean, your negativity is not helping.

555. Or, uh, we could go do my original plan...

556. and tell everybody the truth.

557. Shut your mouth. Shut your stupid mouth.

558. We're not telling the truth.

559. There'll be no truth told, okay?

560. We're going to do the right thing here.

561. Some would argue that telling the truth

562. is the right thing to do.

563. Yeah - assholes!

564. Let me remind you guys of what the truth is, dream cream.

565. Last night, when I was in New Jersey

566. secretly partying my face off at the Marc Rebillet concert,

567. my wife was giving birth to my son.

568. Alone! Okay?

569. And if the truth does come out, my marriage is over.

570. And later, if my son finds out, that's over too.

571. Is that what you want, Wes?

572. You want to destroy an entire family, huh? Huh?

573. - Huh? - Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

574. What if we hire an actor to play Stanicky?

575. We give him the whole run-down.

576. Tell him everything he needs to know.

577. Okay, okay, I like this. Keep going.

578. We could give him the bible, right?

579. He studies it for a few days,

580. and then he comes to the bris for a couple of hours

581. and he plays Ricky Stanicky.

582. Okay, but where are we going to find an actor?

583. Gary Polisner! He's in that Red Robin commercial.

584. - He is? - Yeah.

585. He's that dude that goes, "Seconds on steak fries?

586. "Uh, yeah!"

587. - That's Gary? - That's Gary.

588. - Good for him! - Good for him.

589. I love those commercials.

590. Guys, minor wrinkle -

591. Gary's dating Carly, Erin's cousin.

592. Oh, Cousin It?

593. That girl with the hair that touches the floor?

594. Yeah, but don't worry.

595. I know an actor that nobody knows.

596. Thanks for coming out tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

597. So horny to be here. So horny to be here.

598. Great show, Rod.

599. Good crowd.

600. Hey, Rod. Those guys are out there again.

601. Hey, we need more beer mugs.

602. Rod Rimestead, trained actor. How can I help you?

603. Yeah, Dean, I remember you.

604. A gig?

605. Let me... Er, you know what? Let me just check my schedule.

606. Yeah, man. Looks like I'm free.

607. And so our feathered friend

608. still has not gotten off the golf ball

609. that Dr. Dominic DiPasquale of East Greenwich

610. hit near this greenside bunker six days ago.

611. But you can count on Channel 6 to be here

612. until this exciting saga ends.

613. Or, you can go to Channel6.com and log onto our live duck-cam.

614. Can you believe I spent three years

615. in journalism grad school for this crap?

616. Are you kidding? I love this story. It's fun.

617. Don't patronize me.

618. Okay. It sucks. I'm embarrassed for you.

619. Thank you.

620. You're really sweet to hang out with me, though, honestly.

621. - Are you kidding? - Thank you.

622. Who else gets the chance to watch history unfold?

623. Oh, wait.

624. You know who's looking forward to meeting Ricky tomorrow?

625. Yeah, Leona. I know.

626. Uh-uh. Carly.

627. Carly with the hair?

628. Mm-hm, my cousin, yeah.

629. What happened to Gary Polisner?

630. Oh, you know, they're together,

631. but she follows Ricky on Instagram.

632. - Loves his charity work. - Hmm.

633. That duck's not going anywhere.

634. Let's go get some lunch. Come back in an hour.

635. I would, but I can't. I'm on duck duty for four more hours.

636. Unless she gets up, I'm stuck here.

637. Unless she gets up, huh.

638. No! Paul!

639. Paul! Paul, come back here.

640. Hey, Paul. Paul, get back here.

641. - Paul! - Oh, my God!

642. Paul!

643. Oh, my God!

644. Come on! Paul!

645. Paul! Get out of there!

646. Hold your breath, Paul!

647. Hang in there, buddy!

648. - Bad duck! - Ow!

649. Dean, do something! You have to pull him out of there.

650. Let's take a rain check on the lunch, all right?

651. Sorry.

652. Such an asshole!

653. I just want to go on the record and say

654. this is a really bad idea.

655. Why? He does impersonations of famous people.

656. How hard could it be to impersonate someone

657. - that no one's ever met before? - Yeah.

658. We're going to be fine. This is going to be totally fine.

659. - You gave him the bible, right? - Yeah.

660. - Good. - And the Stanicky phone,

661. everything on it, his Insta.

662. I FaceTimed him. I took him through everything, man.

663. For a sloppy drunk, he's a real pro

664. - when it comes to this stuff. - Fine.

665. Oh, Jesus.

666. Please don't be the trash bag,

667. please don't be the trash bag...

668. It's the trash bag. Oh.

669. - Dude. - What the hell?

670. - Hey, boys. - What are you on?

671. Huh?

672. Don't give me that shit. What drugs are you on?

673. None.

674. Don't lie to us. You're sweating like a tweaker.

675. I'm sweating because I'm not on anything.

676. I've been cold-turkeying the booze for three days.

677. Smashes my world record by three days.

678. What? You can't quit drinking right now, man.

679. We need you in top form!

680. I can't drink. Ricky Stanicky's in the program, remember?

681. Right, yeah, yeah.

682. Ricky's been clean and sober for the past seven years.

683. Who cares? People relapse all the time.

684. - Yeah. - What are you...?

685. What are you doing?

686. Wallet. Mouth.

687. Oh, oh, oh!

688. Yeah, I've seen this on 'Intervention'.

689. He's having withdrawals.

690. The leather will calm him down.

691. - Relax. It's okay. - Yeah.

692. You okay?

693. I had a couple of those in the plane - they pass.

694. The nice fella I walked off the plane with, he helped me.

695. What fella?

696. He was just... he was just here. You didn't see him?

697. Curly eyes. Long blonde lips. He talks with a limp.

698. All right, uh,

699. how about we just take a little whiff of vodka,

700. you know, just to take the edge off?

701. - Yeah. A little bit. - Yeah?

702. No, you hired me to play the role of a sober gentleman.

703. I'm going to do so the only way I know how -

704. with artistic integrity.

705. What is that? Is somebody boiling lobster?

706. Boiling what? Oh, Rod.

707. - Oh.

708. It's not what you think it is.

709. It's just piss.

710. Oh, thank God.

711. I can't believe you guys picked me up in this thing.

712. What?

713. This gas-guzzling, carbon-emitting Earth-killer.

714. If your people see me pull up in this thing,

715. my cover is blown for sure.

716. He's right again. Ricky Stanicky's a tree hugger.

717. We helped him clean up the Chesapeake Bay, remember?

718. The Pats/Ravens game. That was a good game.

719. - Who's that? - Nobody.

720. All right, who's the bank? I want all my cheese up front.

721. SAG minimum - $983 a day, meal penalty after six hours.

722. Dude, there is no way you're in the union.

723. We'll give you half now and half when you're done.

724. That's a no-bueno. I want all my cake up front.

725. It's not negotiable.

726. Okay, then, that's a bueno.

727. Guys, we can't take him to the bris smelling like this.

728. Wes, can you please take Mr. Stanicky

729. over to your place and shower him off

730. and then bring him over to JT's?

731. It's 'Ricky'. Mr. Stanicky is my fake father's name.

732. Um, hey, I don't think that's going to be a good idea.

733. My shower curtains, they're all mouldy and shit.

734. Wes, stop being a douchebag.

735. Erin and I have to get there early and help set up.

736. So we're going to be there way before you. Just...

737. I don't know, do what you can, make him presentable, please.

738. Presentable? How dare you.

739. You guys are supposed to be my best friends.

740. You should be fighting over who gets to hose me down.

741. Hey, grand-mal piss-pants. Shut the fuck up, okay?

742. We wouldn't be in this predicament

743. if you didn't show up smelling like a nursing-home mattress.

744. Wow. This is a hostile set.

745. Thanks for that, man.

746. Starting to feel a little human again.

747. Yeah. Hey, let me ask you something.

748. You're a raging alcoholic, right?

749. Yeah.

750. Well, then how do you stay so ripped?

751. - Roids. Shit-ton of roids. - Hmm.

752. I got addicted to those too.

753. God, they're good.

754. Wow. Gay much?

755. Yeah. I was really feeling it that day.

756. Oh, so this is your, um...

757. Partner, Keith. Mmm.

758. Of course.

759. By the way, I kind of told him that you were bi.

760. What? Why?

761. Because it'd be weird if you weren't...

762. since we dated.

763. We dated? You and me? Was that in the bible?

764. - I missed that. - No, it's not in there.

765. Why the hell wasn't it in the bible?

766. Well, 'cause I couldn't tell the guys. All right?

767. Look, look, I didn't know how things would go

768. on my first date with Keith.

769. So I told him I was seeing this dude named Ricky Stanicky,

770. in case I needed an out.

771. But we hit it off and I told him we broke up.

772. Okay, no problem.

773. Unfortunately, Keith's still a little threatened by you.

774. Okay, spill the beans. I got to know everything.

775. - What did you tell him we did? - What do you mean?

776. Cut the crap. You know what I mean.

777. Did we play Winnie the Pooh finds a honey stick?

778. - What's that? - Munchkins in a cave?

779. Upside-down barber?

780. Shaved biscuits and gravy?

781. - No. - Old faceful?

782. No! We just went on a couple of dates.

783. Oh. I guess I didn't do it for you.

784. You're no trophy either, beagle ears.

785. Hey, what's this?

786. Oh, it's just this... this children's book thing

787. that I've been tinkering with.

788. Hey, there he is! Our mohel, Rabbi Greenberg.

789. You can call me Rabbi Gigglebird.

790. The Rabbi does stand-up sometimes

791. at the Comedy Connection.

792. I may not be able to eat ham, but I can certainly be one!

793. Cheese puffs, anyone?

794. Oh, no, we mohels, we prefer those little weenies.

795. Ba-doomp-pow!

796. Oh, no...

797. Listen. Listen.

798. My services here today are complimentary,

799. just so you know, all right?

800. I consider this a mitzvah. All right?

801. I don't want any money,

802. but I'm keeping the tip!

803. - They just keep on coming, huh? - Yeah, they don't stop.

804. - All right. - You're hungry, I bet.

805. Always.

806. Please. You got to fill up before you... Right?

807. - Go. It's all you, baby. - Yeah, yeah. Go get it. Dig in.

808. Back off the vodka, lady.

809. Oh, Jesus Christ.

810. Can I get a gin and tonic? And let's make it a double.

811. What the fuck is Summerhayes doing here?

812. I invited him.

813. - Oh, my God. - Babe, why would you do that?

814. Because he's your boss.

815. Yeah. I don't want to hang out with my boss.

816. Why not? You invited him to the baby shower, shithead.

817. That's different. This is a cock-cutting ceremony.

818. I don't want him here.

819. Jesus Christ, you're being weird. Just go say hi.

820. Both of you. Go.

821. Great. This is just great.

822. Now if Stanicky shits the bed, we lose our jobs.

823. God, where is he? He should be here by now.

824. Explain it again.

825. It's a children's story about these seeds

826. that are flying in the breeze,

827. and all they want to do is reach the top of this mountain.

828. But there's this one little seed who gets blown back

829. to the bottom of the mountain,

830. and she's all like, "Fuck!"

831. But when it starts to rain, all the water will start

832. to flow down the side of the mountain straight to her.

833. So she'll sprout and she'll grow and grow

834. to be the biggest tree of all,

835. even bigger than the ones on top of the mountain.

836. The message being,

837. you can be great in life, no matter where you start.

838. Hot, wet shit.

839. What-what... what are you talking about?

840. Come on, man, you're not a farmer.

841. What the hell do you know about seeds, right?

842. And the message is absurd.

843. Poor kids turn into trees? It doesn't make any sense.

844. - You're right. - Right?

845. It is stupid. It's stupid!

846. What the fuck was I thinking, man? Yeah.

847. I should just give up.

848. Whoa. No. That's not what I said.

849. I said this is crap,

850. because it's not authentic.

851. Doesn't mean you gotta give up.

852. Let me tell you a story, cowboy.

853. A few years back,

854. I had an X-rated dog show at the Showboat.

855. I had these two mutts that could bang missionary style.

856. Oh, yeah, you heard me right. Missionary!

857. Face-to-face. Real deal.

858. It was kind of touching, actually.

859. Then Atlantic City gets all woke

860. and they won't let 'em pump on stage anymore.

861. I tried doing the show with two guys in dog suits, but...

862. the magic just wasn't there.

863. You know what I mean?

864. - No. - My point is, I failed.

865. But did I give up? Heck no.

866. I just had to ask myself, what do I love?

867. And then it was easy -

868. singing, performing and telling filthy jokes.

869. And that is when Rock Hard Rod was born.

870. You, sir, have just found out

871. your dogs can no longer bang missionary style.

872. Now you got to ask yourself, what do you love?

873. - What do I love? - Yeah.

874. Ah...

875. Yeah, I... I like ceramic owls?

876. Uh... I love fog.

877. I love fog! I love it.

878. Er, is there anything that you like

879. that a regular human being can relate to on any level?

880. - I like Christmas. - Christmas, Christmas!

881. Perfect! Yes! Everybody loves Christmas.

882. Yeah, well, not everybody.

883. Keith is not a big fan of it these days.

884. - He doesn't love Christmas? - Well, he used to love it.

885. But, I mean,

886. ever since his parents found out that we were dating,

887. they haven't really invited him over.

888. - That sucks. - Yeah.

889. Which is their loss, you know.

890. No "Jerky of the Month Club" for them.

891. Ha.

892. I just wish there was a holiday tradition for us.

893. You know, like Christmas is the gayest holiday anyway, man.

894. You know, you bedazzle a tree with tinsel.

895. And why does Santa have to be such a fat shit?

896. Couldn't he be ripped? Couldn't he be jacked? You know?

897. Can the elves have ordered him a Peloton

898. or a yoga mat or something?

899. Ra-pum-pum-pum.

900. Now that is authentic!

901. Yeah. A Christmas story for us.

902. Thanks for coming, Ted.

903. I know a bris isn't exactly your cup of tea.

904. Oh, no, we're happy that you invited us, JT.

905. This is exactly what Ted needed.

906. He's been so obsessed with this World River merger.

907. Yeah.

908. Circumcision parties are my go-to when I need to relax.

909. Where's Gary? I thought he was coming.

910. He has his improv class at Trinity,

911. but I think he'll be here soon.

912. Have you guys seen his new commercial?

913. Yeah. Yeah.

914. - He got off. - Who got off?

915. My big story I'm covering this week.

916. You're covering a trial?

917. No, real reporters get to do that.

918. I'm covering a vicious duck sitting on a golf ball

919. - at Wannamoisett Country Club. - Oh.

920. You're just paying your dues, right?

921. You're going to get a shot at the big story soon.

922. Thanks, babe.

923. He's not coming, is he?

924. - Who would you be referring to? - Oh, don't give me that.

925. Ricky Stanicky. Where the hell is he?

926. Oh, he'll be here. This is just typical Ricky.

927. He's... he's always late.

928. Hmm. Well, I'll believe it when I see it.

929. Leona, come on. Why wouldn't he come?

930. Probably for the same reason

931. that he didn't bother to show up for JT and Susan's wedding.

932. Sorry he didn't think my wedding was more important

933. than digging out hurricane victims in the Bahamas.

934. Ooh.

935. Ha, ha! The old Bahamian hurricane.

936. Jackie, tell me about Ricky Stanicky.

937. I mean, if they were such good friends,

938. you must have met him a bunch when they were kids, right?

939. Oh, sure. I... I met all of JT's friends.

940. Really?

941. Do you have any specific memories of him?

942. Well, I remember he was a handful, that's for sure.

943. I mean, every time this one got in trouble,

944. Stanicky was somehow behind it.

945. He was a... a little devil, that Ricky.

946. - Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Wow!

947. That doesn't sound like the same guy

948. who works for Bono in Africa and builds orphanages in Peru.

949. That's 'cause he's born again.

950. - Ah. - He had that epiphany in rehab.

951. Remember I told you about that?

952. - Mm-hm. - Yeah, people change, Leona.

953. Why are you grilling my mom? She's not on trial.

954. Because I want you to admit

955. that Ricky Stanicky does not exist.

956. Hey, mishpocha!

957. Let's get down to bris-ness!

958. Oh, yes! Yeah-ah!

959. You made it!

960. The boys are back!

961. - All right. - Jackie!

962. Ricky?

963. Oh, you look unbelievable. You're still a MILF.

964. Oh, my God.

965. Look at you. Oh, you haven't changed a bit.

966. The mystery man in the flesh.

967. Well, churn my butter with a slippery stick.

968. I finally get to meet Erin Harford.

969. You're even more beautiful in person

970. than the pictures Dean's always sending me.

971. You send him pictures of me?

972. Oh, tasteful, of course.

973. Even the nudes.

974. Seriously, the guy doesn't shut up about you.

975. What were you saying about her last week?

976. It was, um...

977. Ah! The more I look at her,

978. the more I realize how much there is to see.

979. - Aw. Babe. - And who do we have here?

980. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

981. I'm Carly, I'm Erin's cousin.

982. No need to shout, bullhorn!

983. And I am the woman who had to give birth all alone

984. because you tricked her husband into going to Albany.

985. Oh, my God, Susan, I'm so sorry.

986. You know how much grief your old man's been giving me?

987. For the record, I had no idea it was your baby shower.

988. I just wanted to celebrate my new lease on life

989. with my oldest, dearest friends.

990. Then little Whitaker comes along...

991. God, I love that name.

992. And then I just ruin everything.

993. I just... Again, my sincerest apologies.

994. No, you know, it...

995. It's okay. I know you've been through a lot, so...

996. Hell, yeah, they lopped off one of my nuts, for starters.

997. - Oh, you are still a handful!

998. Well, half a handful.

999. - Ricky...

1000. Okay, Rico! Hey, let's go show you around. Huh?

1001. Aren't you going to Introduce me?

1002. Uh, we'll be right back.

1003. Stay away from that woman at all costs, okay?

1004. That's Susan's mother. She's bad news.

1005. Jesus.

1006. Hey, if anyone asks about the shaking, just say,

1007. "I have low blood sugar and I had a Red Bull."

1008. Stopping you there.

1009. I don't appreciate line readings.

1010. What?

1011. So, I lift up the mosquito net

1012. and, sure enough, Bono's in there.

1013. Plowing Mrs. Bono like a potato field.

1014. Really? The Bono?

1015. Yeah. Givin' the missus the old Irish shillelagh, as it were.

1016. So I'm standing there embarrassed.

1017. And then they go, "It's okay.

1018. "Watch us, we like it."

1019. Is that an Irish thing?

1020. I don't think so. But I wouldn't put it past them.

1021. Hey, the guy saved ten million people from starving.

1022. So, if he wants to let people

1023. watch him corn-beef his wife's cabbage, who am I to stop him?

1024. You know who has the best corn-beef in town? Geoff's.

1025. And it isn't even really a deli.

1026. I don't think that's the kind of corn-beef

1027. he's talking about, Ginny.

1028. Oh, man, all this food talk is making me hungry.

1029. - Ricky, have you eaten yet? - Dean.

1030. You haven't introduced me to Indiana Jones here.

1031. Yeah, of course.

1032. Ted, this is Ricky Stanicky, my good friend.

1033. Uh, Ricky, this is Ted Summerhayes, my boss.

1034. Ted, nice to meet you.

1035. Digging the suit and the seedlings, man.

1036. The seedlings?

1037. The hair plugs. They're new, right?

1038. What?

1039. No. This is my hair.

1040. Ha! Yeah, just like a doll's hair is her hair.

1041. That's good. That's good.

1042. So, Ted, you're one of those big banker guys, eh?

1043. One of those guys out there

1044. helping those billionaires get richer

1045. and then floating around on your big swinging super-yachts,

1046. leaving everybody else struggling to make ends meet

1047. in their little dinghies.

1048. - No. No, no, no. Not at all... - First of all,

1049. we sell financial services to independent investors,

1050. and anyone who's willing to pay for them

1051. is welcome to share in the benefits.

1052. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ebenezer.

1053. Uh, if memory serves me,

1054. Ebenezer Scrooge ends up

1055. becoming the hero of that story.

1056. - It's Ricky, right? - Yeah.

1057. I'm wondering, Ricky, are you always such a bust-out asshole,

1058. right out of the gate?

1059. Only when I'm talking to the type of guy

1060. who can make a real difference in this world.

1061. Ted, Ricky's been working overseas

1062. for the last decade on non-profits.

1063. So at least he walks the walk.

1064. Well, that's nice,

1065. but he's obviously getting his financial information

1066. from 'The Huffington Post'.

1067. No, actually, I've been reading

1068. the 'San Francisco Chronicle' lately.

1069. I've been following

1070. your potential merger with World River.

1071. It's interesting, unexpected.

1072. Okay, hey, uh, there's a ton of people inside

1073. - that still wanna meet you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1074. I'd like to hear this.

1075. Unexpected, how?

1076. Oh, come on.

1077. They're the yin, and you got that big old yang.

1078. It's a perfect fit.

1079. In what way?

1080. Well, you're old school. They're new age.

1081. You got common sense, but they got radical new ideas.

1082. For my money, I'm going common sense

1083. over radical new ideas all day.

1084. I'm sure the people in Portland and San Francisco agree.

1085. And that's what makes you guys great.

1086. But they're pretty good too.

1087. But, together, you guys would be unstoppable.

1088. This merger could make a real difference in this world, Ted.

1089. A real difference.

1090. Yin and yang, huh?

1091. Oh, don't mind if I do. Thanks.

1092. Where the hell did you hear about the World River deal?

1093. They were all over your Twitter.

1094. I just did a little research.

1095. What are you doing on my Twitter?

1096. Dean, I told you I'm an actor.

1097. When I walk into a room,

1098. I want to know exactly where I came from

1099. and what every single person in that room's been doing.

1100. That's what all the greats do.

1101. Matt Damon actually bought a zoo

1102. before he filmed 'We Bought a Zoo'.

1103. I don't think that's true.

1104. You don't believe me? Take it up with Reddit.

1105. Oh, if you'll excuse me,

1106. I got to go have a word with Keith.

1107. What? How do you know Keith?

1108. We're in a weird love-triangle thing.

1109. Look, all I'm saying is I hope there's no hard feelings.

1110. Because let's face it, you won.

1111. But I'm happy for you.

1112. You guys make a fabulous couple.

1113. I'm done with his ass.

1114. Look, I still love the guy,

1115. but I'm tired of working 60 hours a week

1116. while he sits around not doing anything to improve himself.

1117. I just...

1118. I can't be with a person like that anymore.

1119. What... what about his writing? That's work.

1120. What writing?

1121. The book he's working on.

1122. He never told me he was writing a book.

1123. He sure looks a lot older than you guys.

1124. - Really? - Mmm.

1125. Yeah, well, he is, by a couple years.

1126. You know, we were like little brothers to him.

1127. Hmm, no, I mean, like more than a couple of years.

1128. Well, it's because of the drugs - he...

1129. You know, he was a huge partier, back in the day.

1130. I mean, like hard drugs.

1131. Huffing glue. Like, the works.

1132. I mean, that'll suck the youth right out of your face.

1133. It does.

1134. Yeah, that was all before he went on

1135. - the straight and narrow. - Hmm.

1136. Oh, look at them. Look how happy they are.

1137. - I told you. - It's an easy thing.

1138. - I don't see happiness. - What?

1139. I see fear and anxiety.

1140. Fear of what?

1141. Of the responsibility of it all.

1142. What do they even get out of it?

1143. What do they get out of having a family?

1144. - Yeah. - Come on.

1145. I mean, I get it on paper. Sure, right.

1146. But in reality, having a kid is fear and anxiety

1147. with periodic moments of crushing pain.

1148. And then you get bitter and resentful

1149. and eventually just... mean.

1150. At least that's how it was at my house.

1151. You realize that's the most you've ever

1152. told me about your childhood?

1153. Look, he is kind of lost right now,

1154. but just give him a little time, he'll figure it out.

1155. I've given him plenty of time.

1156. I think you need to step back in, Ricky.

1157. Be there for him.

1158. Ease the blow a little when I drop him.

1159. Oh, hey, Keith, slow down.

1160. Take it from me, relationships like yours,

1161. they don't come around that often.

1162. They just don't.

1163. My own mother was married six times.

1164. She never found happiness.

1165. An incredible sex life,

1166. but she was filled up with everything but joy.

1167. You really want to give up on this?

1168. May not come back around.

1169. Ricky!

1170. I understand you spent a lot of time in Kenya

1171. working with the Give Green organization.

1172. Yeah, yeah, good peeps.

1173. Green peeps, yeah.

1174. I'm interested in what your experience was there,

1175. because, you know, I've been reading up on them

1176. and they're a really intriguing organization.

1177. Yeah, you know what?

1178. I was just trying to find one of those cheese-puff trays.

1179. - I'll show you where they are. - Right, but before you do,

1180. can you tell me about Charlie Sennet?

1181. Huh?

1182. Charlie Sennet, the journalist who started Give Green

1183. and is still hands on.

1184. I mean, did you get to meet him?

1185. What do you think of his mission statement?

1186. Is it tenable?

1187. Oh, yeah, of course it's tenable.

1188. Elevenable, twelveable...

1189. I mean, it's infinite really, right?

1190. Ha-ha.

1191. I mean, I'm intrigued by their policy

1192. of direct charitable donations.

1193. You know, personally, I think

1194. donations need to be conditional.

1195. What do you think?

1196. Uh, you know what?

1197. It's group photo time. Group photo time.

1198. Group photo! Come on, let's make some memories!

1199. Yeah. Yeah.

1200. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you, Ricky?

1201. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk shop at a bris, Leona.

1202. Or maybe he's a fraud. Are you a fraud, sir?

1203. I'll tell you what's fraudulent, Leona.

1204. Yeah?

1205. The perception that the program at Give Green

1206. needs to be conditional.

1207. They choose to offer unconditional cash transfers

1208. for two reasons.

1209. First, empowering poor people to make their own choices?

1210. Well, that advances their core value of respect.

1211. Second, imposing conditions requires

1212. expensive monitoring and enforcement structures

1213. that could raise administrative costs as high as 63%.

1214. The existing empirical evidence comparing the impact

1215. of conditional to unconditional cash transfers

1216. shows that these added costs

1217. simply do not produce commensurate benefits.

1218. I wonder where those cheese-puff trays went off to.

1219. Did you want a cheese puff, Leona?

1220. No, thank you.

1221. Huh, so what are these?

1222. Glazed dates stuffed with Asiago cheese

1223. and pickled herring.

1224. Don't mind if I don't.

1225. No problem.

1226. - That was amazing. - Unbelievable.

1227. Where the hell did you learn all that stuff?

1228. Gotta buy the zoo, baby.

1229. What? Who's that...?

1230. Gary Polisner's here.

1231. $8,000. It's on lease, but that's how much it's worth.

1232. Oh.

1233. Hey, Polisner!

1234. Hey! Well you move along, I'll talk to you later on.

1235. Get over here, hey?

1236. Had to park my Cybertruck in the next county.

1237. What, you too cheap for a valet?

1238. - Crap! I know that guy. - What? What guy?

1239. The guy standing with Hairy Krishna.

1240. I saved you a bagel with lox.

1241. I asked for an everything bagel. That's a nothing bagel.

1242. Hey, you got any booze in this place?

1243. Yeah.

1244. Let me guess, it's a cash bar.

1245. Oh, shit!

1246. Go up the stairs. Go into the garage.

1247. Just get in there. Don't come out until I tell you.

1248. All right? Go, go, go, go, go.

1249. Fuck.

1250. And as you can tell, I actually don't sweat...

1251. What the fuck are you saying?

1252. Ricky knows Polisner.

1253. - How? - How the hell do I know?

1254. They're both actors. Maybe they crossed paths somehow.

1255. We got to get Polisner out of here.

1256. He just got here.

1257. Goddamn it.

1258. We could put him in a K-hole.

1259. What's that?

1260. Dose him with ketamine.

1261. Yeah, great idea. I'll just run down to CVS and grab a bottle.

1262. No need.

1263. Why the hell do you have ketamine?

1264. Well, sometimes after a hard day, you...

1265. You K-hole yourself.

1266. I could see that. Where do you get these things?

1267. - My grandmother died. - Guys!

1268. We're not K-holing anyone.

1269. Stop being such a fucking wang, Dean. Okay?

1270. We're going to get him a little drowsy

1271. and then put him in a cab.

1272. Are you guys serious right now?

1273. You want to drug the Red Robin guy?

1274. What other fucking choice do we have?

1275. "Seconds on steak fries? Uh, yeah!"

1276. First take. Everyone applauded. That's the one they used, too.

1277. Fuck it. Let's K-hole the prick.

1278. - This is it. - Yep, let's go. Let's go.

1279. - All right. - No way!

1280. That's right, I hit. That's right, I hit.

1281. - Let's go for two. - He's got you believing.

1282. Come on, baby. Come on!

1283. Bad throw. Bad throw.

1284. Bad throw! Dude, your foot came off the couch.

1285. - Oh, hey, Gare. - Oh, hey, Dean, what's up?

1286. Hey, uh, you guys seen my Red Robin commercial yet?

1287. - We did. Yeah, we did. - Yeah. Shit went national.

1288. Yeah, I love that.

1289. Thinking of getting me a sweet kimono dragon.

1290. Isn't it 'komodo'?

1291. No, not the one I'm getting, right?

1292. - Oh, yeah! - Off market. All cash.

1293. - What are you losers doing? - We're playing a game

1294. where if you catch three peanuts in a row,

1295. you get 20 bucks from each of us.

1296. Why, you want in?

1297. - Fuck yeah! - Oh?

1298. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Okay.

1299. Man, I'll kick all your asses.

1300. Step right up and get behind the hat.

1301. - No cheating. - I got this.

1302. - Here we go. - You focused?

1303. - Whoa! - Whoa! Boom!

1304. Wow!

1305. Relax, Gare. Little bit of luck there.

1306. - Okay. - Get low.

1307. - Ohh! Yeah. - Ohh! Yes!

1308. I'm just as good as Wes at catching nuts in my mouth.

1309. Oh. Right. 'Cause I'm gay.

1310. Yeah.

1311. I'm so happy we're doing this.

1312. Okay, this one's for all the marbles.

1313. All right, Gary, let's go, buddy. You ready?

1314. Ready? One, two...

1315. Three...

1316. Ba-doomp-pow! All net!

1317. I think I ate a bad one.

1318. Bitter.

1319. My sweet boy.

1320. May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.

1321. May God bless you and watch over you.

1322. Shouldn't we be stopping this?

1323. Don't worry, we got about a half hour before it kicks in.

1324. Hey, I figured out how I know him.

1325. He's in those Red Robin commercials.

1326. "Seconds on steak fries? Uh, yeah!"

1327. Dude, that was great. You should be an actor.

1328. So you guys have never met before?

1329. - No, but... - Yeah, just a big fan.

1330. - All right, it's time. - Okay.

1331. Oh...

1332. we're going to need a steak knife.

1333. Ha!

1334. Wow! Is this his bris or his bar mitzvah?

1335. Okay, little vinegar... Whitaker...

1336. has skanctified us with the...

1337. commandiments... com... condiments...

1338. comma... commandments...

1339. With the commander-ments.

1340. With the commandments. Oy...

1341. - He's seems confused.

1342. What the hell? Is he drunk?

1343. I don't know. I saw him eat a peanut earlier.

1344. Maybe he's having a reaction?

1345. - Man, you said half an hour. - I don't know.

1346. I think I might have developed a tolerance.

1347. Okay.

1348. And he hasht given us

1349. the command to...

1350. circumvision!

1351. Hi, fishy-fishy! Oh, to fishy-fishy!

1352. Mommy, I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

1353. Oh, my God!

1354. Oh, my God! He's allergic to peanuts.

1355. What did she say?

1356. She said he's allergic to penis.

1357. Oh, he's certainly in the wrong business.

1358. Ba-doomp-pow!

1359. Oh, my God.

1360. He's only half circumcised.

1361. Take the kid to the hospital.

1362. - Yes, definitely a hospital. - I could call an ambulance.

1363. No, this has to be done now.

1364. Let Ricky finish it.

1365. Ricky? What? No! No. Are you insane?

1366. He used to work for Bono's foundation in Africa,

1367. circumcising adults.

1368. Aw.

1369. Yeah, he did. But that was so long ago.

1370. Plus, it's got to be way easier to circumcise

1371. a gorgeous African penis than a baby penis.

1372. You would think.

1373. I can do it.

1374. Uh, Ricky... Ricky! This is a baby we're talking about.

1375. A real baby. Are you sure?

1376. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like I'm cutting a diamond.

1377. I'm sure I can pull it off. Pun intended.

1378. No. No! We need a certified mohel, right?

1379. - Right. - I'll just look one up on Yelp.

1380. What? No! No Yelping.

1381. No, we already have a mohel. He's already said the tefilah.

1382. We just need to let Ricky finish it off.

1383. Mom, no, I'm going to take him to a hospital,

1384. where doctors work.

1385. Does anyone here care that my grandson

1386. is laying there half circumcised?

1387. And we're done!

1388. Just a little off the ol' Tiparillo.

1389. - Huh. - Who's next?

1390. Summerhayes, get over here so I can snip off that turtleneck.

1391. Stanicky, you are unbelievable.

1392. - All right, this is yours. - No.

1393. Oh, my God, Ricky!

1394. Yes!

1395. Ricky Stanicky, you are even better than advertized.

1396. Ah, Susan, it's just a pleasure to help you out.

1397. By the way, the kid's got a good-looking schmeckel on him.

1398. Real hog barrel. He's going to have some fun with that thing.

1399. - Takes after his papa. - Yeah.

1400. Ricky, do you really have to leave already?

1401. Can't you just stay one more night?

1402. I would love to, Carlsbad...

1403. but I got to go.

1404. Aw...

1405. He's going to Nairobi to help out with the Ebola situation.

1406. - Yeah. - Oh.

1407. Nairobi?

1408. Yeah. I goes where I's needed.

1409. Ricky! Ricky!

1410. Those guys.

1411. Well...

1412. Oh, man.

1413. - Okay, bye, Ricky. - One of a kind.

1414. - I'll see you inside. - I'll see you in a minute.

1415. I'm going to help with the baby.

1416. Okay.

1417. That was amazing. Incredible.

1418. You are a legend.

1419. That was world class, Rod.

1420. It's Ricky.

1421. - Yeah... - Right.

1422. Well, here's your dough.

1423. Uh, we put some extra in there

1424. just 'cause you knocked it out of the park, man.

1425. - Yes you did. - Yeah.

1426. Where did you learn to circumcise?

1427. Oh, had a job peeling shrimp at Beefsteak Charlie's.

1428. Okay.

1429. - Oh, you blowing up, huh?

1430. Are you going to get that, or...?

1431. No. That's just a crazy fan.

1432. Well, now you got three crazy fans.

1433. That's right.

1434. You guys take care.

1435. - You too! - Yeah, you too.

1436. - We'll be fine. You take care. - Yeah, please.

1437. If you're ever in Atlantic City...

1438. - Possibly. - We'll let you know.

1439. We'll definitely let you know.

1440. He's good to go.

1441. - Thanks, Rod. - Thank you.

1442. It's Ricky.

1443. - Whew! - Yeah!

1444. - I'm hungry, man. - Let's feed you.

1445. I can't believe it worked!

1446. I can't believe it actually fucking worked.

1447. As much of a nut job as Rod is...

1448. - Uh, it's Ricky. - Oh, sorry, Ricky.

1449. But he came through. He actually came through.

1450. So that's it, though, right?

1451. - Yep. - No more Ricky Stanicky.

1452. No, we are never mentioning his name ever again.

1453. It was fun while it lasted. Right? Okay.

1454. But it's time to get off that rollercoaster once and for all.

1455. Yep. Ride's over, folks! Please exit to your left!

1456. Please check for your belongings!

1457. You gotta be this tall to ride this ride.

1458. Wes, you always do one too many, man.

1459. Fuck you. Is that one too many?

1460. - Oh, it is. That is too many. - Guys, guys, guys. Guys.

1461. For the very last time, a toast...

1462. To Ricky Stanicky.

1463. To Ricky Stanicky!

1464. Best friend we never had.

1465. - You got some on your arm. - Hoo!

1466. I mean, it's my newborn son, you know,

1467. it's like this bonding thing.

1468. If anybody else had pissed on me,

1469. I'd be totally grossed out.

1470. What about if it was Susan?

1471. Eew!

1472. Hey, guys, grab a cup of coffee and get in here.

1473. Yes!

1474. Yesterday was a real kick.

1475. It was nice spending time with you guys

1476. outside the boiler room.

1477. - Mm-hm. - It is.

1478. Who doesn't love a good bris, right?

1479. Right! We should do it all the time.

1480. - Have a bris? - Hang out. We should hang...

1481. By the way, your wife, Miriam, she's amazing.

1482. - Just fantastic. - A lovely, lovely woman.

1483. Thanks. She liked you guys too.

1484. And she was really taken with your friend Stanicky.

1485. He's got brass balls on him, that guy.

1486. She loved how in my face he was.

1487. Really?

1488. Yeah, he'll give it to you, man, that guy.

1489. - That's Ricky. - Yeah. He'll...

1490. - Just... he's a character. - He is a character.

1491. - A powerful creature, man. - He sure is.

1492. That's why I hired him.

1493. - Mm-hm. - Awesome.

1494. What the fuck did you just say?

1495. What the fuck did you just say?

1496. I just said, "Awesome."

1497. That's awesome.

1498. You just said...

1499. What did you say? Just say it one more time?

1500. Ricky gave me his number and when I got home, I called him.

1501. I got him right before he got on the plane too.

1502. He came over to my place.

1503. We were up till 4 a.m. banging out a deal.

1504. The buff guy?

1505. The guy who wore the safari outfit to my son's bris

1506. and circumcised him with a cigar cutter?

1507. - You banged out a deal? - Yes.

1508. I hired Ricky Stanicky.

1509. Wow! Wow!

1510. But do you think... like, he has the experience

1511. - to be working here? - Yeah, does he, ya think?

1512. Nah, whatever he lacks in experience,

1513. he more than makes up for with piss and vinegar.

1514. I loved his take on the World River deal.

1515. - But that's... - Not his take, really.

1516. Yeah, that's just what he read in the news.

1517. Uh-huh.

1518. You can stop playing games, guys.

1519. I know you've been recruiting him.

1520. You don't think I noticed

1521. that JT expensed three rounds of golf at Carnegie Abbey

1522. in the last couple of months?

1523. That was two rounds, I think...

1524. B-because we were... we were...

1525. - We were recruiting him. - Recruiting him.

1526. And we decided...

1527. - Not... not good. - Not Summerhayes material.

1528. Yeah, he just doesn't...

1529. I don't think he's right for this place.

1530. Hey! Speak of the devil.

1531. Okay.

1532. - Oh, Philip. - Yeah?

1533. I was hoping to see something in a mahogany or a birch.

1534. I believe this is Carolina pine. That's a shit wood.

1535. Okay. Uh... shit wood...

1536. Philip, can we have a sec?

1537. Yes. Please.

1538. Oh, and for these walls,

1539. I'd love to see something in more of a ham color.

1540. Right.

1541. What the fuck do you think you're doing here?

1542. This is unbelievable. How cool is this, right?

1543. And I didn't even have to fill out an application!

1544. Application? This isn't Little Caesar's.

1545. There's no way for you to act your way through this, okay?

1546. There's no script for you to follow here.

1547. Okay, you guys can help me out.

1548. Just like I helped you out in the bris thing, right?

1549. - That's what friends are for. - Friends? We're not friends!

1550. The deal was you come to the gig, then you leave.

1551. You got paid.

1552. - Now go! - Go!

1553. Come on. What was I supposed to do?

1554. Your boss, Summersquash, hits me up

1555. - and he's like, "Hey, man." - 'Summerhayes'?

1556. Yes, that guy.

1557. Offers me 250 large right out of the blue.

1558. - What? - $250,000?

1559. Yeah, but that's for the whole year.

1560. That's more than we make.

1561. Oh, my God!

1562. Well, I did work as a hostage negotiator in Somalia.

1563. So maybe I bring a certain amount of life experience

1564. to the table.

1565. I mean, come on, guys, didn't you read the bible?

1566. - We wrote the fucking bible! - We did that.

1567. Rod, I need you to listen to me very, very carefully.

1568. It's 'Ricky'.

1569. Rod! Listen to me, okay?

1570. There's no way that this ends well. All right?

1571. You don't even know what we do here.

1572. It's like business stuff.

1573. You guys are like... like bookies, right?

1574. We're not bookies.

1575. Well, when you boil it down a little bit, there is...

1576. It's way more complex than that, okay?

1577. Dean, Erin's in your office. She says it's urgent.

1578. Hey.

1579. They hired me!

1580. - Who? - MFMBC!

1581. They want me to produce the 'Hero of the Week' segment.

1582. - MFMBC? - Yes!

1583. Are you kidding me? What?

1584. - Oh, my gosh! Oh.

1585. - Oh, I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

1586. Didn't I tell you you were going to get your big break?

1587. - You did, you did. - You got your big break.

1588. You did. I pushed them the Ricky Stanicky story

1589. and they loved it.

1590. The Ricky what?

1591. The 'Hero of the Week' segment.

1592. I sent them a proposal about the work Ricky does

1593. in Africa, in South America and how he works with Bono...

1594. and helped clean up the oil spill

1595. in the Chesapeake Bay, and they want me to produce it!

1596. - Oh! - "Oh"?

1597. What's wrong with your face?

1598. This is my happy face. I'm so... I'm happy.

1599. I'm ha... I'm happy.

1600. Great. Because we got to get him back here now.

1601. They want me to run it this week.

1602. Right.

1603. I don't know if that's going to be... possible.

1604. I don't... There's just a lot of, uh...

1605. - More of a canned ham. - A lot of moving...

1606. - Very close to spam. - Ricky?

1607. Ricky!

1608. Ricky!

1609. Man of the Year? Wow! That's so cool!

1610. It's not man of the year. It's hero of the week.

1611. And it's not wow. It's a fucking shit show.

1612. And on top of that,

1613. the girls are going bowling with him tonight.

1614. - Do we have to go? - Of course we have to go.

1615. We're the dipshit's best friends, remember?

1616. Plus we can't let that fucker out of our sight.

1617. There's no telling what he'll say.

1618. You know, on the bright side, it is pretty remarkable that,

1619. you know, we invented a man who can win an award like this.

1620. Hey, you think he'll thank us?

1621. Are you fucking serious right now?

1622. Wes! You are smoking way too much weed

1623. if you don't understand how serious this is, okay?

1624. It's not just about us anymore.

1625. This could destroy Erin's career. Wake up!

1626. I don't have a choice.

1627. - I got to tell her the truth. - No fucking way!

1628. - I got to. - Dean, no. Dude!

1629. If you tell Erin, she'll tell Susan. Okay?

1630. Then what do you think is going to happen?

1631. Not only did I miss the birth of my son,

1632. but I let some porno Peter Frampton impersonator

1633. snip his dick with a cigar cutter.

1634. No!

1635. Hey, guys.

1636. Hey, Karnowski.

1637. How was the Rebillet show?

1638. It was great, you piece of shit. Thanks for the tickets.

1639. Thank you!

1640. Shitbag!

1641. He doesn't deserve that. Karnowsk!

1642. Karnowski!

1643. You'll never pick it up.

1644. I like your form.

1645. I mean, look at this guy. Not a care in the world.

1646. If he mentions his salary one more time,

1647. I'm going to hit him in the fucking head.

1648. Well, maybe if you gave him more money

1649. than he's being paid, he'd leave.

1650. He's getting paid $250,000, Wes.

1651. Yeah, but that's for the whole year.

1652. I'll just run to my bank, then.

1653. We got to figure out a way to get rid of him or we're done.

1654. Look, maybe you're worried about nothing, right?

1655. She only has a couple of days to dig up dirt.

1656. If she doesn't dig up dirt, that's worse.

1657. Eventually someone's going to find out the truth.

1658. And then Erin would just be one of those journalists

1659. that makes up fake stories.

1660. Yeah, like Mario Lopez.

1661. Oh.

1662. Well, look who's hitting it off.

1663. I thought she was with Gary Polisner.

1664. Apparently not.

1665. Hey, look, none of my business,

1666. but you should think about chopping that off.

1667. What? A haircut?

1668. No, I don't know, I mean, I'd be afraid to.

1669. Why? With a face like yours, you should have a pixie.

1670. - Really? - Yes! Look at this.

1671. Okay...

1672. Maybe not.

1673. Down to the shoulders, maybe mid back.

1674. Yeah, I mean, yeah...

1675. Honestly, I've kind of been wanting to cut it for a while,

1676. but I just feel like this is like my thing now,

1677. and everyone says that they love it.

1678. They're just being nice.

1679. What, really?

1680. Oh, yeah. Trust me.

1681. But why would they lie to me?

1682. I don't know. People are weird, right?

1683. Maybe it's hard for them to tell you

1684. you look like a freaking loon.

1685. Hey, Carly, whoa.

1686. Look, I love your hair. All right?

1687. What I was trying to say was,

1688. if you want to cut it, you should.

1689. You shouldn't care about what anybody else thinks.

1690. Look at you.

1691. You're smart, you're sweet.

1692. You got that cute little muskrat face.

1693. But all anybody can ever see is your insane...

1694. ly beautiful hair.

1695. Which is like the tenth best thing you got going for you.

1696. - Agh! Ricky! Ricky!

1697. Oh, what's happening? Ricky, Ricky, what's happening?

1698. What's happen...? Ow!

1699. Hey! Stop fucking bowling!

1700. What just happened?

1701. Oh, Carly, that was terrible.

1702. Moron! He almost took her head off.

1703. That's it. He's done.

1704. I'll gladly pay 250, 300, whatever it costs.

1705. I'll get a loan, sell a kidney. Whatever it takes.

1706. He's out of here!

1707. Wait a minute.

1708. What if he didn't have a job that paid him 250 grand a year?

1709. Like, if he got fired.

1710. Let's face facts.

1711. We need this merger with World River,

1712. and they seem to be able to take it or leave it.

1713. Why? Well, I'll tell you why.

1714. Those folks are from San Francisco

1715. and we're an old-money New England company.

1716. They think we're dinosaurs.

1717. They're looking for new,

1718. they're looking for progressive.

1719. So, come on. Let's hear some ideas.

1720. Dean, you're point on this. Why don't you get us started?

1721. Actually, I was thinking that Ricky

1722. should take point on this today.

1723. He's our newest employee and he's an 'eco-hero'.

1724. I like that idea. Ricky, what do you got?

1725. Well, thank you for the vote of confidence, Dean.

1726. You should run the meeting, for sure.

1727. I am just not quite up to speed.

1728. Well, that makes sense.

1729. But Ricky's got something big worked out here.

1730. What'd you call it? Um... game changer, right?

1731. Game changer. Got to love that. Ricky, what do you got?

1732. I, um...

1733. I, er...

1734. Rick, I have a lunch in 23 minutes.

1735. Yeah.

1736. Okay.

1737. Um...

1738. My area of expertize is in non-profit humanitarian work.

1739. In short, I'm a world hugger.

1740. So, you know, why don't we bring my exciting background

1741. to the boring-ass world of investment products?

1742. I mean, you know, ladies and gentlemen,

1743. does for-profit have to be for profit?

1744. Well, that's the general idea.

1745. Correct!

1746. Ten points to the gentleman in the conservative grey suit.

1747. Er, could you please elaborate?

1748. What I was saying...

1749. was, what if we took all the money we made

1750. and gave it away to poor people and shit?

1751. I'm not sure I understand that.

1752. - And shit. - I know I don't.

1753. Well, think about it.

1754. If we became, um, like the Paul-Newman-salad-dressing

1755. of banks,

1756. the whole world would like us.

1757. That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

1758. Well, now, wait a minute.

1759. Read between the lines, Billings.

1760. This is exactly what I've been talking about.

1761. Stanicky's saying we got to shake things up.

1762. Try something different.

1763. No, that's not what he's saying. He's saying...

1764. What about that Tom's company?

1765. Giving away a free pair of shoes for every pair sold.

1766. I bet that sounded like a stupid idea at first.

1767. And what are they clearing?

1768. 170 million in revenue last year.

1769. 170 million. That's impressive.

1770. Now, obviously, we can't give away all our money,

1771. but we could funnel some of it into philanthropic ventures.

1772. And there have got to be tax incentives.

1773. - Yeah! Tax shit. - Yeah.

1774. We could call it, um... Feel-Good Investing.

1775. We'll show people we're a company that cares.

1776. Feel-Good Investing. I like that. Great work, Rick.

1777. Thanks, Ted.

1778. What did you say, Ricky?

1779. Oh... nothing.

1780. I was just saying "fuck you" to that guy.

1781. Yeah, fuck you, Billings!

1782. We're just kidding.

1783. But fuck you, Billings.

1784. Here's what we're going to do.

1785. The World River folks are flying in Wednesday afternoon.

1786. Wednesday? What? Why Wednesday?

1787. Because Wednesday night

1788. we're going to have a little summit over at my club

1789. and watch Ricky's 'Hero of the Week' segment.

1790. Clubs ahoy!

1791. Right.

1792. Now, I want you to bring your families and your A-games.

1793. Wednesday, we're going to show these people who we are.

1794. We're modern, we're fun, we're socially conscious,

1795. and we're American heroes.

1796. - What is happening right now? - I don't know.

1797. I feel like Jason Bateman in every episode of 'Ozark'.

1798. Hey, boss-man? Er, got a minute?

1799. Sure!

1800. Dean! JT! What it do?

1801. What the...? What are you doing here?

1802. Ricky hired me.

1803. - To do what? - I don't know.

1804. Help him out with stuff, I guess.

1805. Yes, I think young Wesley shows great promise

1806. as my attaché.

1807. - Who's your attaché, Dean? - I don't have an attaché.

1808. I'm not a foreign diplomat.

1809. Listen, you and me need to have a chat.

1810. Okay, but before we do, I want to show you something.

1811. First, thank you for having faith

1812. and believing in me today.

1813. I never would've come up with those ideas in the meeting

1814. if you hadn't thrown me into the fire.

1815. Happy to do it, man.

1816. I think I figured out what the problem is.

1817. What problem?

1818. The whole 'not getting the merger' thingy problem.

1819. You went to one staff meeting

1820. and you've got the whole company figured out?

1821. So I filmed this on my phone in the staff meeting this morning

1822. and my attaché put it on the computer.

1823. So, check it out.

1824. - ... San Francisco and we... - See?

1825. - ... old-money New England... - You see?

1826. - They're looking for... - See what?

1827. The guy's a world-class air-dicker.

1828. An air what-er? What are you talking about?

1829. Keep watching.

1830. Every time he tries to make a point,

1831. it's like he puts an invisible penis in his mouth.

1832. Remember when Obama used to power knuckle

1833. to try to make that point?

1834. Well, Summerhayes does the same thing,

1835. but when he does it, it's like he's smoking invisible dongs.

1836. Oh, my God, he is an air-dicker.

1837. There's a time and a place for it,

1838. but it's really hard to get away with it

1839. in a business setting.

1840. Yo, let's make a TikTok out of this!

1841. What do you guys think? Should I tell him?

1842. Tell him what?

1843. That he's a world-class air-dicker.

1844. - Absolutely. - Yeah, you should.

1845. How could you work for him, dude?

1846. We don't need you exploring career opportunities

1847. when he's trying to ruin our lives.

1848. First of all, he's not ruining my life.

1849. He hired me 'cause he actually gives a shit.

1850. If I didn't get off my ass and get a job,

1851. Keith was going to dump me.

1852. By the way, I noticed that my so-called real friends

1853. never offered me a job.

1854. Are you fucking shitting me?

1855. You two!

1856. In here, now!

1857. Come in, sit down.

1858. Show them what you showed me.

1859. I already did, Ted.

1860. You knew about this and you never said anything?

1861. Well, we just thought it was...

1862. It's just a mannerism. It's really not that big of a deal.

1863. Especially in this day and age.

1864. I know it's not a big deal!

1865. Two of my sons are gay, for Christ's sake!

1866. And the third one's just... working it out.

1867. But I can't go into meetings like this.

1868. No wonder they're not interested in the merger.

1869. They're so flippin' distracted,

1870. they haven't heard a word I've said.

1871. We don't know that you've been doing this everywhere. I...

1872. As far as we know, you just did it in today's meeting.

1873. I'd never seen it before.

1874. - Really?

1875. I've got the conference link.

1876. This merger will allow us

1877. to further enhance our capital efficiencies.

1878. - Look at you. - Oh, God...

1879. Air-dicking left and right.

1880. There are companies out there who want to get bigger.

1881. There are companies out there who want to get smaller.

1882. You just air-dicked four times in ten seconds.

1883. Oh, dear God, it's true.

1884. On the other hand, to support everything we do...

1885. Oh, God! Now it looks like I'm cupping the balls.

1886. with knowledge and planning.

1887. Oh!

1888. Hey, you're double-dongin' it.

1889. is the company that can do both.

1890. Oh, God. Get it... Turn it off.

1891. - Some people say...

1892. Okay, from this point forward

1893. Stanicky is in charge of the merger.

1894. What? Ted, come on.

1895. I've been running point on this for nine months.

1896. Yeah, and look where it's gotten us.

1897. He's been here one day and...

1898. - Watch the air-dicking, Ted. - Jesus...!

1899. Here's the bottom line.

1900. Stanicky gives it to me straight,

1901. whether the news is good or bad.

1902. He's in charge. End of discussion.

1903. Oh, Jesus. Okay, just make it go away. Just...

1904. - Yep. - Go to black.

1905. - Oh, er... - Just go to black.

1906. Yeah, I'm pressing it but it's not...

1907. - Give it to me. - Yeah, try...

1908. I don't know how to work this thing.

1909. - No, I know. - Is there an IT guy?

1910. - That's me. - Argh, fuck!

1911. Oh, Dean...

1912. Despite what Ted said back there,

1913. about me being in charge,

1914. I don't pretend to know more about this company than you.

1915. Well, I pretend to know more than you,

1916. but you are clearly

1917. more informed in company matters than me

1918. and right now I need your expertize.

1919. What?

1920. I don't want to forget this. Okay...

1921. How big of a raise should I be asking for?

1922. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

1923. You're quitting! Today!

1924. - What are you talking about? - Show's over, Rod.

1925. It's Ricky.

1926. It's not Ricky, okay? Get it through your head, man.

1927. Ricky Stanicky isn't real.

1928. Yes, he is. Here.

1929. Richard Barbara Stanicky?

1930. That's my grandmother's name.

1931. Where the fuck did you get this?

1932. Officially changed my name.

1933. Paid to expedite it online. They overnighted it.

1934. Oh, my God.

1935. Come on, Dean. See this from my side.

1936. This is the role I was born to play and I'm nailing it.

1937. No, you were hired under false pretences.

1938. You lied to them.

1939. No, as I recall, Dean, you lied to them.

1940. Oh, ha, ha, ha. You got me there.

1941. But you know what? This is different.

1942. You're putting people's careers at risk.

1943. Careers?

1944. I've been here two days and I'm your boss.

1945. I'm talking about Erin's career!

1946. You can fool Summerhayes with this righteous shit.

1947. But I know who you really are.

1948. You're Rock Hard Rod! The drunk.

1949. Yeah.

1950. I was a drunk.

1951. Nobody respected me. My job sucked. I had no friends.

1952. But now I have all those things.

1953. And I'm sober. All right?

1954. And if I leave here, it all goes away.

1955. My whole life, all I've ever been is a shit baby.

1956. And now I get to be somebody people actually like.

1957. Don't take that away from me, man. Please.

1958. Look, this has to end.

1959. What the fuck are you doing? Stop! Stop! Hey, hey!

1960. - Argh! Hey, okay!

1961. If I go back, they'll kill me. If I go back, they'll kill me.

1962. What?

1963. If I go back to Atlantic City, they'll kill me.

1964. - Who? - The Sasquatch

1965. and his Joe Pesce buddy from the casino.

1966. I told you they were crazy fans.

1967. They're crazy. They're not fans.

1968. Why? What did you do?

1969. I don't know.

1970. I used to drink and black out, it could be anything.

1971. One day I woke up after a five-day bender,

1972. I was a manager of an Arby's.

1973. Plus, I owe a lot of bad people a lot of money.

1974. You were right, man.

1975. It's my fault.

1976. It's... it's my fault.

1977. Wow.

1978. I had everything.

1979. I had good friends. I had a great job.

1980. The most kind-hearted,

1981. beautiful person in the whole world loved me.

1982. Erin's the best thing that ever happened to me.

1983. I'm going to lose it all.

1984. I'll never understand why you don't just tell her the truth.

1985. I think it's a little late for that, Wes.

1986. No, it's not.

1987. That was Steve Smith in Washington.

1988. And tomorrow night at 7 p.m.

1989. we present our Hero of the Week.

1990. Seconds on steak fries? Uh, yeah!

1991. Visit your local Red Robin

1992. to try our new bottomless steak fries.

1993. I swear to God, man,

1994. Stanicky's like one of those trick birthday candles -

1995. no matter how hard I try to blow him out,

1996. he just keeps coming back.

1997. Dean, I love you like a brother,

1998. but you got one major flaw.

1999. Hmm?

2000. You lie too much.

2001. I lie too much?

2002. What the...?

2003. You lie just as much as me.

2004. Only 'cause you make me.

2005. I've been trying to tell the truth on this one

2006. from the beginning,

2007. but you said no.

2008. Because I was looking out for JT.

2009. I didn't want JT to get in trouble.

2010. Dude, this has nothing to do with JT.

2011. This has everything to do with you.

2012. Do you realize that Rod had a fake life and he made it real?

2013. You had a real life and you made it fake.

2014. Fuck this, man. I don't need this shit.

2015. You're not making anything better.

2016. Yo, I know you ain't fall in no ditch.

2017. What?

2018. I know you didn't fall in a ditch, that one Halloween.

2019. When you broke your arm.

2020. After we egged that house,

2021. and we all split in different directions,

2022. I went back to your place to see if you was there,

2023. and you were.

2024. And I heard him.

2025. I heard what he did to you.

2026. That was an accident. He was drunk.

2027. See, there you go again. You're lying.

2028. Dude, I understand you grew up in a fucked-up house

2029. and you had a fucked-up father,

2030. and that's why you slept over at me and JT's house,

2031. and that's probably why you started a lie.

2032. To protect yourself.

2033. But you're not that boy anymore,

2034. and you're letting this shitty stuff

2035. turn you into a shitty person, and that's not you.

2036. If you just tell Erin the truth,

2037. she won't hurt you.

2038. Hey. Where were you?

2039. I was worried about you.

2040. I tried to call you.

2041. Listen, Erin...

2042. you can't let them run your story.

2043. Yeah, well, it's a little too late for that.

2044. No, you don't understand.

2045. Is there a way that you can postpone it or pre-empt it?

2046. Is that what they say in your business? 'Pre-empt'?

2047. 'Cause there's a lot of things

2048. that you need to know about Ricky.

2049. You mean Rock Hard Rod?

2050. Don't look so surprised, Dean.

2051. I'm a good reporter, you said so yourself, remember?

2052. Yeah, I know you are.

2053. I figured it out at the bris.

2054. Nairobi?

2055. You said he had to fly back to help fight Ebola,

2056. but there hasn't been an Ebola case

2057. anywhere in the last four years

2058. and definitely never in Nairobi.

2059. They actually have a vaccine now.

2060. That's good.

2061. Ricky showed me your bible.

2062. It's pathetic.

2063. You guys lied so you could

2064. go to the Little League World Series,

2065. the Lebowski Fest, a tiny train museum.

2066. Wes likes trains.

2067. You went to Dollywood, twice!

2068. Why didn't you take me with you? I love Dolly Parton.

2069. I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

2070. What bothers me more than the lies

2071. is why you told them in the first place.

2072. You were running from me.

2073. From us.

2074. No. No, that's not true.

2075. Well, it doesn't matter anymore, Dean.

2076. It's too late.

2077. I just want this day to be over.

2078. Me too.

2079. What if he chickened out? What if he's going to bail on us?

2080. Where is Dean?

2081. He's, uh, on his... He'll be here any minute.

2082. And where is Ricky?

2083. The World River execs want to meet him.

2084. Also on his way. His attaché is here, so...

2085. Hi.

2086. So, where were we?

2087. Hey!

2088. Where the hell have you been?

2089. The show starts in three minutes.

2090. Summerhayes wants Ricky to introduce it.

2091. - Where is this guy? - There's no show.

2092. What?

2093. Ricky was never going to be Hero of the Week.

2094. Erin knew all along.

2095. Knew what?

2096. That Ricky was a fake. She figured it out at the bris.

2097. So she was lying to us?

2098. Well, that's pretty fuckin' low.

2099. Are you an idiot?

2100. What are we going to tell Summerhayes?

2101. The truth.

2102. Dean, come on. Don't do that. Dean!

2103. Good evening, everyone.

2104. Thank you all for coming out. Thank you.

2105. - Thank you.

2106. I see a lot of old friends out here tonight,

2107. and a lot of new friends.

2108. And I see two great companies

2109. that can...

2110. can, uh, do wonderful things.

2111. I was hoping that the man of the hour, Ricky Stanicky,

2112. would be here to introduce this MFMBC Heroes segment.

2113. - Ted, can I say something? - Yes, absolutely. Yes, please.

2114. Dean Stanton,

2115. our Vice President of Investor Relations.

2116. Dean.

2117. Um...

2118. Unfortunately, MFMBC has decided

2119. not to profile Ricky Stanicky as a hero.

2120. - Ha...

2121. The reason being...

2122. that Ricky Stanicky's not a hero.

2123. He's not even a real person.

2124. I made him up.

2125. Motherfucker!

2126. I lied to all of you.

2127. And I have no excuses.

2128. I'm sorry, Ted.

2129. You don't deserve this.

2130. I'd also like to apologize to everyone

2131. who came out here from San Francisco.

2132. Summerhayes Financial is an excellent company.

2133. Please don't let my actions destroy

2134. what could be a great partnership.

2135. What the fuck did he just say?

2136. I don't know what to do.

2137. I told you...

2138. Where is that pumpkin-headed piece of shit?

2139. I don't get it.

2140. If the show wasn't for real,

2141. then why'd the news crew come in?

2142. - What news crew? - Yesterday.

2143. While you were at lunch,

2144. this crew came in and interviewed Ricky.

2145. I helped set the whole thing up.

2146. Dean, don't worry about cleaning out your office.

2147. We'll box it up for ya...

2148. and then burn it.

2149. I'm standing outside the offices

2150. of Summerhayes Financial,

2151. an esteemed institution

2152. in downtown Providence, Rhode Island.

2153. And that is Richard Barbara Stanicky.

2154. Think of us as the bookies and you're the gambler.

2155. We're the nice bookies, not the throw-you-off-the bridge type.

2156. After several years helping the less...

2157. Why the hell is this still on?

2158. charity, he's now the newest

2159. and one of the most highly paid executives

2160. at Summerhayes Financial.

2161. Where's the AV guy?

2162. - Oh, that's me. - I thought you were the IT guy.

2163. I'm both.

2164. But there's something you should know

2165. about this highly successful executive.

2166. He's a complete fraud.

2167. I'm Ted Summerhayes...

2168. That's right.

2169. Ricky Stanicky is actually Rodney Rimestead,

2170. a pornographic rock'n'roll impersonator

2171. from Atlantic City, New Jersey,

2172. who goes by the name of Rock Hard Rod.

2173. We caught up with Mr. Rimestead to find out how he came to be

2174. the businessman 'Ricky Stanicky'.

2175. I was hanging around a casino bar in Atlantic City.

2176. No money, no friends, no respect.

2177. I was an alcoholic.

2178. I am... I am an alcoholic.

2179. And I was doing whatever I could to get by.

2180. Oh, God.

2181. And that night, I met Dean Stanton and his friends.

2182. They bought me food, drink.

2183. They asked me who I was, they really seemed to care.

2184. And as Rod would discover, they did care.

2185. Dean!

2186. You got to see this!

2187. Within days, Dean Stanton and his friends

2188. would reach out again.

2189. I couldn't believe they called.

2190. These are people I met only once

2191. and only for a few minutes,

2192. and here they were offering me the opportunity of a lifetime.

2193. And what was that opportunity?

2194. Simply to become 'Ricky Stanicky'.

2195. They said, "You are no longer Rod Rimestead,

2196. "the loser.

2197. "From here on out, you're Ricky Stanicky, the winner."

2198. That was the first time

2199. somebody had ever believed in me.

2200. After relocating Rod, now Ricky, to Providence,

2201. Dean Stanton and friends set about creating a new identity

2202. for the man who'd once MC'ed an X-rated dog show.

2203. We caution you -

2204. this next video may be disturbing to some viewers.

2205. Oh, my God!

2206. They gave me a book. They called it their bible.

2207. It was like a blueprint for how to live as Ricky Stanicky.

2208. How to live a good life.

2209. How to learn from your errors.

2210. I saw what I could have been.

2211. What I'd missed.

2212. And the more and more I read their bible,

2213. the more I realized

2214. this doesn't have to be just a dream.

2215. And so 'Ricky' stopped drinking

2216. and started respecting himself.

2217. Soon he had a job here at Summerhayes Financial.

2218. Dean introduced me to Ted Summerhayes.

2219. He's one of those rich guys

2220. who's gotta whip out his big swinging super-yacht

2221. - to show you how rich he is. - Oh, God...

2222. But, on the other hand, the guy's got a heart of gold.

2223. We started Feel-Good Investing.

2224. And then, through Dean, I met more and more friends.

2225. I met a beautiful girl, with a beautiful soul.

2226. Aw.

2227. And I had a life.

2228. I became 'Ricky Stanicky'.

2229. And somewhere in the middle of it all,

2230. the line between the mythical and the real had blurred.

2231. And that's how, improbably, a drunken Atlantic City reject

2232. found himself blessed with a new life in the Ocean State.

2233. Hero? Me? No. No.

2234. If there's a hero to this story,

2235. it's the men who saved my life.

2236. Dean Stanton, JT Levine and Wes... something.

2237. A story that started out fraudulently,

2238. somehow, miraculously,

2239. became a tale of redemption, rebirth and love.

2240. Because he believed that anybody at any time

2241. can become the person they want to be,

2242. we choose Ricky Stanicky as our Hero of the Week.

2243. Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

2244. Well...

2245. you came out of this smelling like a rose, didn't ya?

2246. How do you think it makes me look?

2247. Are you kidding me?

2248. Such a wonderful and inspirational story, Ted.

2249. Great job Ted, and you too, Dean.

2250. Oh, I... I didn't do it.

2251. Summerhayes. I like the people you surround yourself with.

2252. I mean, the concept of second chances

2253. and feeling good about your investments -

2254. that's something we're trying to achieve.

2255. Well, that's... what we do.

2256. Truth is, it was Ted who saw the potential in Ricky.

2257. It was also his idea to start partnering

2258. with more charitable organizations.

2259. - I just saw the tax incentives.

2260. You're a humble son of a bitch, aren't ya?

2261. Ah...

2262. So, do we have a deal?

2263. I don't know.

2264. Dean, what do you think?

2265. We have a deal.

2266. - Absolutely, we have a deal. - Yeah, we have a deal.

2267. - Great. - Wonderful.

2268. You let your made-up friend circumcise our child?

2269. Honey, he worked at Beefsteak Charlie's.

2270. Beefsteak...

2271. That is it.

2272. You are camping out in the backyard

2273. for the next six months.

2274. Okay. Okay.

2275. Very reasonable. That's more than fair.

2276. It's going to be great. Thank you.

2277. - Perfect. - Thank you.

2278. I don't understand.

2279. How did this happen?

2280. Well...

2281. When I found out what you did, I was pissed.

2282. I told you I sold the story to MFMBC just to fuck with you.

2283. But when Ricky was hired at Summerhayes, I thought,

2284. wait a minute, maybe there actually is a story here.

2285. So I pitched it to my producer at Channel 6.

2286. They told their friend at MFMBC

2287. and they gave me the green light.

2288. All those lies, Erin...

2289. Can you ever forgive me?

2290. It's definitely not going to be easy.

2291. But...

2292. this helps.

2293. I had everything.

2294. I had good friends. I had a great job.

2295. The most kind-hearted,

2296. beautiful person in the whole world loved me.

2297. Erin's the best thing that ever happened to me.

2298. Ricky sent it to me today.

2299. Here we go, here we go, here we go...

2300. Who's that?

2301. Ricky! Look out!

2302. Did that go how you thought it would, wanker?

2303. Here, Rimestead! You've officially been served.

2304. What the...?

2305. What's this?

2306. This is a cease-and-desist order from Billy Idol.

2307. Yeah?

2308. If you disgrace any of his songs

2309. with your disgusting lyrics ever again,

2310. we'll see you in court.

2311. Huh?

2312. Yeah.

2313. So Billy Idol saw my act?

2314. Fuck off!

2315. Sweet!

2316. More champagne, everyone!

2317. Billy Idol!

2318. Is this Al Green?

2319. It's Otis Redding.

2320. Was Otis Redding blind?

2321. - No. - You sure?

2322. - He sounds blind. - He does sound blind.

2323. He wasn't...

2324. I'll take a... cranberry juice.

2325. Neat. And a plate of your crispiest calamari.

2326. - Epic night, am I right, guys? - Yeah.

2327. Ricky! Get over here.

2328. Oh!

2329. Time to go bump and grind with my fiancée.

2330. You're kidding, right?

2331. Yeah.

2332. But I don't know, who knows, right?

2333. Oh, hey, keep Saturday afternoon open.

2334. We got a ton of work to do.

2335. - Work on a Saturday? - Yeah, I signed us up.

2336. We're going to help clean up Narragansett Bay.

2337. Yeah, man.

2338. I'm not messing with you. We're cleaning that shit up.

2339. Man.

2340. To Ricky Stanicky.

2341. To Ricky Stanicky.

2342. The best friend we ever had.

2343. Before I get to that, I would like to say this.