1. I am Satan,
king of all that is evil.Copy !req
2. In the name of God almighty,
I cast ye back to hell!Copy !req
3. I command thy putrid spirit be
banished from this child's soul.Copy !req
4. Never! The girl is mine!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.Copy !req
5. - Don't you stick your tongue out at me!
- Aw, I'll do what I damn well please.Copy !req
6. - Stop your cursing!
- Make me, slime ball.Copy !req
7. I am a priest!Copy !req
8. Oh, pardon me, your
reverend and holy slime ball.Copy !req
9. - How about these, pops?
- I command you, close your blouse!Copy !req
10. Watch this, bud.Copy !req
11. Put down that crucifix!Copy !req
12. Ohh, I love it!Copy !req
13. Stop it! I command you:
Be gone, Satan!Copy !req
14. Be gone, demon!Copy !req
15. No!Copy !req
16. Mother! Mother!Copy !req
17. Mother!Copy !req
18. Father, is it all over?Copy !req
19. Is Nancy all right?Copy !req
20. Bless you.Copy !req
21. Father, how can I
possibly thank you?Copy !req
22. - Mayii?
- Aah!Copy !req
23. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
24. Aah! Ha, ah, ha!Copy !req
25. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
26. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
27. Ew! Ooh!Copy !req
28. Ooh, ooh! Aah!Copy !req
29. Aah!Copy !req
30. Ooh.Copy !req
31. I'll be back!Copy !req
32. Ooh!Copy !req
33. Oh, shit.Copy !req
34. Ooh.Copy !req
35. - Ah, Adams?
- Here.Copy !req
36. - Blaine?
- Yes, Father.Copy !req
37. - Grigsby?
- Here, Father.Copy !req
38. Good day to you.
I am Father Mayii.Copy !req
39. And I would like to
welcome you to the seminar.Copy !req
40. I am here to discuss an incident
in my life that first destroyed,Copy !req
41. and then renewed my
belief in divine intervention.Copy !req
42. 17 years ago,Copy !req
43. a young girl was a victim of an
episode of demonic possession,Copy !req
44. and I was called in
to rescue her soul.Copy !req
45. Now, that battle left me
broken physically, and mentally.Copy !req
46. But recently, my faith
has been renewed.Copy !req
47. And I believe that even the
most cynical among you hereCopy !req
48. will find this storyCopy !req
49. inspiring.Copy !req
50. Young lady, would you
pull down your dress?Copy !req
51. Sure.Copy !req
52. Up!Copy !req
53. Ooh.Copy !req
54. I had long since lost
track of the child Nancy.Copy !req
55. She had grown to
womanhood and got married,Copy !req
56. and had settled down with her
husband and 2 lovely children,Copy !req
57. in a picturesque neighborhood with
playful children and picket fences,Copy !req
58. and lots of Caucasians.Copy !req
59. So, for the fifth time,
this charity matchCopy !req
60. between the Pro Hockey All-Stars, and Peggy
Hamill's Pals On Ice has turned ugly, Dan.Copy !req
61. Yeah, and it was Rusty The
Rooster who started it all with his-Copy !req
62. ...for another episode of
"Bride's Head Revisited".Copy !req
63. At last.Copy !req
64. My dear, sweet, loving bride!Copy !req
65. Oh, my darling!Copy !req
66. Okay, kids, dinner's
almost ready!Copy !req
67. Turn off the TV!Copy !req
68. What are we having?Copy !req
69. Oh, your favorite...
Prime ribs, sweet potatoes, green beansCopy !req
70. and split pea soup.Copy !req
71. - Not again!
- Oh, mom!Copy !req
72. I hate split pea soup!Copy !req
73. You know we hate it.Copy !req
74. Mom, we hate it!Copy !req
75. I said they were
lovely children.Copy !req
76. At this point, they had
not taken acting lessons.Copy !req
77. Really, mom, I want
to change my name.Copy !req
78. All my girlfriends
think it's dorky.Copy !req
79. Oh, honey, but Frieda
is such a nice name.Copy !req
80. Not my first name.
My last name: Aglet.Copy !req
81. Come on! What's it mean, anyway?Copy !req
82. Well, Frieda, in the old days,Copy !req
83. Aglet meant he who puts those tiny
plastic things on the end of shoelaces.Copy !req
84. See, back then, a man's name
was the same as his occupation.Copy !req
85. Oh, like a man named Fred
Carpenter would build houses?Copy !req
86. - Mm-hmm.
- Or a Thomas Baker made bread?Copy !req
87. - Exactly.
- So, what did John Hancock do?Copy !req
88. Well, there were
some exceptions.Copy !req
89. Here's Ernest and
Fanny Rae Weller.Copy !req
90. Hey, bless you!Copy !req
91. God bless you!Copy !req
92. Welcome to Ernest and
Fanny's Miracle Hour.Copy !req
93. I am Ernest.Copy !req
94. And I'm Fanny.Copy !req
95. Oh, and you all
know little Fufu.Copy !req
96. Hi, Fufu!Copy !req
97. Oh, Fufu says,
"God bless you, everyone."Copy !req
98. Ha, ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
99. We have a terrific line-up of
inspiration for you on this program.Copy !req
100. As usual, we'll be reading some
passages from the good book.Copy !req
101. And just possibly, we will heal some
of our sickly, and/or crippled followers.Copy !req
102. And you know, Ernest, Fufu
just loves when you heal people.Copy !req
103. Fufu is a good dog.Copy !req
104. Why, you little shit!Copy !req
105. Zu. Shih-tzu.Copy !req
106. Ahh.Copy !req
107. - I don't want to watch this!
- No, way!Copy !req
108. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now.Copy !req
109. Okay, okay. I'll change it.Copy !req
110. Why, you little Fufu.Copy !req
111. That's strange.Copy !req
112. I don't know, maybe
the batteries are dead.Copy !req
113. I'll change them myself.Copy !req
114. We're going to defeat
the mightiest evil of all.Copy !req
115. The devil himself!Copy !req
116. Never forget that Satan constantly
surrounds us, with but one goal in mind:Copy !req
117. To steal your soul!Copy !req
118. Silence!Copy !req
119. One more word out of
you little sacks of shit,Copy !req
120. and there'll be no
more TV for you tonight!Copy !req
121. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
122. Ahh.Copy !req
123. Oh! Ooh! Ooh.Copy !req
124. Oh! Oh, kids, I'm so sorry!Copy !req
125. I don't know what came over me!Copy !req
126. Oh!Copy !req
127. 20 bucks says it's P.M.S.Copy !req
128. Make it stop! Make it stop!Copy !req
129. Aah! Make it stop!Copy !req
130. Aah! Make it stop!Copy !req
131. I hate that control.Copy !req
132. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
133. Hey, don't be so
hard on yourself.Copy !req
134. I should've ducked.Copy !req
135. You have this thing checked out
by Dr. Hackett tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
136. Yep. Definitely P.M.S.Copy !req
137. I had no idea that Satan
had entered Nancy's body.Copy !req
138. And seized her soul once again.Copy !req
139. As a matter of fact, at that
time, I was so burned-out.Copy !req
140. As they say in California I couldn't
find my butt with both my hands.Copy !req
141. I took a sabbatical,
and I traveled.Copy !req
142. But no matter where I went, the memory
of that awful night kept haunting me.Copy !req
143. Oh, honey, I forgot
to grab my purse.Copy !req
144. - Let's go back.
- Oh, great.Copy !req
145. Terrific.Copy !req
146. - Ha, ha. Here?
- Yeah.Copy !req
147. - Now?
- Yeah.Copy !req
148. Oh, excuse me.
Are you getting off?Copy !req
149. Dr. Fingers, please
report to proctology.Copy !req
150. - Dr. Fingers.
- Oh, doctor? Dr. Hackett?Copy !req
151. Uh, no. I'm not a doctor.Copy !req
152. But I do play one on television.Copy !req
153. That's why I recommend new
buffer caps for fast-acting, long relief.Copy !req
154. You're lucky, Rick.Copy !req
155. Not many amputees are fortunate
enough to receive a transplanted arm.Copy !req
156. I know, but it's too bad that
wrestler had to die for me to get it.Copy !req
157. Call for Dr. Hackett!Copy !req
158. - Uh-oh. Got to go. See you in rehab.
- Sure doc.Copy !req
159. Ooh!Copy !req
160. - Oh, hello, Dr. Hackett.
- Hello, Nancy. Long time, no see.Copy !req
161. So, uh, what seems
to be your problem?Copy !req
162. Something came
over me last night.Copy !req
163. I just felt such...
incredible anger.Copy !req
164. And then, suddenly,
I vomited on my family.Copy !req
165. Hmm.Copy !req
166. Smooth or chunky?Copy !req
167. Uh, smooth.Copy !req
168. Oh, doctor, what could it be?Copy !req
169. Possibly the flu. I just had a
couple of cases of it come in today.Copy !req
170. I must admit that hospitals
have always frightened me.Copy !req
171. Oh, Nancy, relax. Relax.Copy !req
172. Hmm.Copy !req
173. Hmm.Copy !req
174. Hmm.Copy !req
175. So, what's wrong with me?Copy !req
176. Well, in a nutshell, I took a survey
of all the doctors gathered here.Copy !req
177. When I tallied their
opinions, the survey said:Copy !req
178. Good answer!Copy !req
179. Good answer!Copy !req
180. Good answer!Copy !req
181. Oh, dear Lord, why?Copy !req
182. I mean, after my exorcism, I, I've
strived to lead a good, clean, decent life.Copy !req
183. I haven't done
anything morally wrong.Copy !req
184. Oh, except watch
that Rob Lowe video.Copy !req
185. Just give me a sign.Copy !req
186. Oh, that's it!Copy !req
187. Nancy reached out
for the guidance of God.Copy !req
188. She discovered that
she was not the only oneCopy !req
189. walking the streets in search of
the path of penitence and truth.Copy !req
190. God comforts even
the lowliest of them,Copy !req
191. Even though they lack
any shred of intelligence.Copy !req
192. The name's North, ma'am.Copy !req
193. I have a reservation.Copy !req
194. Let's see. Uh, yes. Mr. North.Copy !req
195. How long has it been
since your last confession?Copy !req
196. I don't recall, counsel.Copy !req
197. Okay, uh, please follow me.Copy !req
198. It was here she met Father Luke
Brophy, a dedicated young priest.Copy !req
199. He who gives of himselfCopy !req
200. to someone other than himselfCopy !req
201. will find that he shall receiveCopy !req
202. from that someone.Copy !req
203. Something that, that,
someone other than he.Copy !req
204. Uh. Wait, um.Copy !req
205. Okay, heCopy !req
206. shall receive that which he gaveCopy !req
207. of himself, which, uhCopy !req
208. I said he was dedicated.Copy !req
209. I did not say he was articulate.Copy !req
210. Look, just be
good to each other.Copy !req
211. Ohh! Ahh!Copy !req
212. With that in mind, I
will now ask our ushersCopy !req
213. to please pass around
the donation basket.Copy !req
214. Our church thanks you.Copy !req
215. Father Brophy was
a man of integrity.Copy !req
216. A man dedicated to his beliefs.Copy !req
217. A man about 5' 10"
in his stocking feet.Copy !req
218. It was Father Luke who would make
me once again come face-to-faceCopy !req
219. with my nightmares, and would introduce
me to some very interesting Armenian food.Copy !req
220. As a matter of fact, it was at the
dinner table that he heard his mother say,Copy !req
221. "Luke, always wipe the rim."Copy !req
222. - Sister Brothers.
- Excuse me, Father.Copy !req
223. While tallying the donations, I came upon
this note with your name written on it.Copy !req
224. Thank you.Copy !req
225. - Father Mayii?
- Yes, yes?Copy !req
226. Is it true that priests and nuns
have orgies in the Vatican?Copy !req
227. What?Copy !req
228. Father Luke suffered from the burden
of self-doubt, always questioning himself.Copy !req
229. Was he good
enough to be a priest?Copy !req
230. Should he have
been a rabbi instead?Copy !req
231. After all, they do
have Sundays off.Copy !req
232. And the question that
nagged him the most:Copy !req
233. Why weren't there any
Japanese players in the NBA?Copy !req
234. Was it the hand of the almighty that
drew Luke to the phone that night?Copy !req
235. Or had he just forgotten to leave
his answering machine on again?Copy !req
236. Hello?Copy !req
237. Father Brophy? Hi, this is Nancy Aglet.
I'm the one that left you that note today.Copy !req
238. That's so strange.
I was just about to phone you.Copy !req
239. I hope I'm not disturbing you.Copy !req
240. I looked your name
up in the phone book.Copy !req
241. That's okay. Now, what's this about
your having a religious problem?Copy !req
242. Honey! Oh, sorry.Copy !req
243. Have you seen my
nose hair clippers?Copy !req
244. Um, they're in the, uh, cabinet.Copy !req
245. Listen, I really can't talk
about this over the phone.Copy !req
246. Is it possible you could come over
tonight, so we could speak privately?Copy !req
247. Uh, well, you see, it's my, uh-Copy !req
248. Please, Father.
It's very, very serious.Copy !req
249. Sure. Where do you live?Copy !req
250. I live at 733 Sex Drive.Copy !req
251. Thank you. Good-bye.Copy !req
252. Good-bye.Copy !req
253. Hey, let's play with the
mystic spirit board, okay?Copy !req
254. Enter, please.Copy !req
255. Well, welcome, Father.
I'm Braydon Aglet.Copy !req
256. - Hello.
- And these are my children Ned and Frieda.Copy !req
257. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
258. Come on, dad, let's play!Copy !req
259. - Okay.
- Come on, dad, please, let's play.Copy !req
260. In a second.Copy !req
261. Now, Nancy said
you'd be dropping by.Copy !req
262. Something about her doing
some work with the church?Copy !req
263. Uh, something like that, yes.Copy !req
264. What should we
ask it first, dad?Copy !req
265. Oh, well, uh. Well, there's
something I've always wanted to ask.Copy !req
266. Will Ted Kennedy
ever become president?Copy !req
267. Ho ho ho! I guess not, eh, kids?Copy !req
268. Braydon,Copy !req
269. I thought we'd spoken about
using that thing in this house.Copy !req
270. I never want to see that
thing in this house again!Copy !req
271. Ohh! Oh, I'm so sorry!Copy !req
272. Ohh.Copy !req
273. Father, maybe we could go in
the other room and speak privately?Copy !req
274. Sure.Copy !req
275. It was, it was very
nice meeting you.Copy !req
276. I assume you don't want
your family knowing about this.Copy !req
277. No, I don't.Copy !req
278. No one knows what
happened to me in my past.Copy !req
279. And what I believe is
happening to me now.Copy !req
280. Okay, and what exactly is that?Copy !req
281. I believe I'm being
possessed by the devil.Copy !req
282. The devil?Copy !req
283. Mrs. Aglet, are you under any
kind of psychiatric care at all?Copy !req
284. I once gave my word never to show
anyone what you are about to see.Copy !req
285. High school debating champion?Copy !req
286. Papal seal of possession?Copy !req
287. Signed by the pope?Copy !req
288. Mrs.-Copy !req
289. Mrs. Aglet, I apologize,
but I guess I've always feltCopy !req
290. that these stories of demonic possession
were nothing more than religious folklore.Copy !req
291. Why did you call me? Why didn't
you contact the exorcist, Father Maggi?Copy !req
292. Mayii. Father Jedediah Mayii.Copy !req
293. Well, they say he retired from
the church right after my exorcism.Copy !req
294. What makes you think that
you're being possessed again?Copy !req
295. Satan's spirit flew right out
of my TV set and into my soul.Copy !req
296. Okay.Copy !req
297. Oh, no, I know it sounds
crazy, but it must be true.Copy !req
298. Father, please help me. Please!Copy !req
299. I'll do whatever I can.Copy !req
300. Here.Copy !req
301. Take this.Copy !req
302. It might help.Copy !req
303. Uh, I, uh.Copy !req
304. I got to go now, okay?Copy !req
305. You're not going
anywhere, scuzzball!Copy !req
306. Ah, ha, ha, ha, halCopy !req
307. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
308. This broad is mine!Copy !req
309. Do you understand?
The broad is mine!Copy !req
310. Dad! Mom's humping the priest!Copy !req
311. Die! Die!Copy !req
312. Holy-Copy !req
313. - Honey!
- Die, you slug!Copy !req
314. Die!Copy !req
315. Here's the, uh, camera,Copy !req
316. and the cassette
recorder that you asked for.Copy !req
317. Thank you.Copy !req
318. Father, what's going on here?Copy !req
319. I mean, we just had to tie
my wife down to the bed.Copy !req
320. I've never done anything
like that before in my life.Copy !req
321. Well, except that one time
when the kids were away at camp.Copy !req
322. Mr. Aglet, I don't know
what's wrong with your wife,Copy !req
323. but I'll certainly do
all I can to find out.Copy !req
324. Hello, Nancy.Copy !req
325. I must say, you certainly don't look
anything like you did a few minutes ago.Copy !req
326. I am the devil!Copy !req
327. Well.Copy !req
328. I guess that means that you and I have
gone from being friends to being enemies.Copy !req
329. I am far more powerful
than you can ever imagine.Copy !req
330. Maybe.Copy !req
331. However, you are but one being.Copy !req
332. I represent the belief
of far more people.Copy !req
333. Did you know that the Christian
religion has over a billion followers?Copy !req
334. Big deal.
So does the wheel of fortune.Copy !req
335. So, don't try to impress
me with numbers.Copy !req
336. I hate all forms of religion.Copy !req
337. And I hate all who do
not bow in my presence,Copy !req
338. no matter if they call
themselves a Baptist,Copy !req
339. a Protestant, a
Catholic, or a Jew!Copy !req
340. - Oh, God bless you.
- Silence!Copy !req
341. Watch yourself, boy.Copy !req
342. The last collar jockey who screwed with
me ended up with a dislocated shoulder.Copy !req
343. You can't frighten me.Copy !req
344. They found it in Baltimore.Copy !req
345. By the way:Copy !req
346. How would you like a little
souvenir from my last conquest?Copy !req
347. Father Brophy,
meet Father Mayii.Copy !req
348. I never thought that
looked like me, I, I-Copy !req
349. Does that look like me?Copy !req
350. I think it looks more
like Phil Donahue.Copy !req
351. You silly, weak fool!Copy !req
352. Putting so much faith in a God
you've never even seen before.Copy !req
353. I don't need to see him, for the Bible
says that God created man in his own image.Copy !req
354. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
355. Then how do you
explain Pee-Wee Herman?Copy !req
356. All right.Copy !req
357. If you really are the devil,
then why don't you prove it?Copy !req
358. How about you do
something supernatural?Copy !req
359. Not impressed, huh?Copy !req
360. Well, how about if ICopy !req
361. make the film break?Copy !req
362. Oh. Of, of course I love you.
Yeah.Copy !req
363. This evening, 8:30.Copy !req
364. Tonight? No, no.Copy !req
365. No feathers.
We'll use the whole chicken.Copy !req
366. Ahem.Copy !req
367. Father Brophy
was very disturbed.Copy !req
368. So, Father, what happened?Copy !req
369. It may sound unbelievable,
but my guess is that Nancy isCopy !req
370. possessed by the devil.Copy !req
371. - Yeah, I knew it!
- He said it's only a guess!Copy !req
372. I still say it's P.M.S.Copy !req
373. As Father Brophy drove
from the Aglet home,Copy !req
374. a great fear welled up
within him like a big sneeze.Copy !req
375. You feel it build,
but you know you can't stop itCopy !req
376. without making your ears plug up
and a bubble come out of your nose.Copy !req
377. How could he, a young,
inexperienced priest,Copy !req
378. do battle alone with
the dark Lord himself?Copy !req
379. Then, it came to him
like a sign from heaven.Copy !req
380. Hey, hey! I can't see nothing!
What are you doing up there?Copy !req
381. - What's going on?
- Is that you? Hey, get up!Copy !req
382. The young priest had read about
the exorcism I had performed in 1973Copy !req
383. as well as my 17-year
decline into oblivion,Copy !req
384. but he tried to call me anyway.Copy !req
385. Strangely, my number
kept ringing busy.Copy !req
386. Was it Satan's trickery at work?Copy !req
387. Or was it just my party line?Copy !req
388. If he had reached me, I would
have told him not to come.Copy !req
389. I was weak and tired,Copy !req
390. listless, out of sorts, andCopy !req
391. my stools were a little loose.Copy !req
392. - Sister, I'm looking for the room of-
- Hold out your hands.Copy !req
393. Excuse me?Copy !req
394. Hold out your hands.Copy !req
395. Ow!Copy !req
396. Don't run in the hallways!Copy !req
397. Now, what do you need?Copy !req
398. Which room is Father
Jedediah Mayii in?Copy !req
399. Upstairs on the left.Copy !req
400. Thank you.Copy !req
401. Ah, ah, ah!Copy !req
402. Ow!Copy !req
403. A fierce tornado smashed its
way through an unpopulated,Copy !req
404. uninhabited stretch
of barren desert today,Copy !req
405. causing no noticeable
damage to an unspecified...Copy !req
406. Yes?Copy !req
407. Who is it?Copy !req
408. Father Mayii?Copy !req
409. Yes, you may.Copy !req
410. Father, I'm Father Luke Brophy
from our lady of the evening.Copy !req
411. I'm terribly sorry for
coming by so late,Copy !req
412. but there's someone who
desperately needs you.Copy !req
413. Someone you helped
a long time ago.Copy !req
414. Someone I helped a long time ago?
Who?Copy !req
415. - Nancy Aglet.
- I don't, uh, recall the name.Copy !req
416. Well, then maybe
you'll recall her exorcism.Copy !req
417. Oh, good Lord.Copy !req
418. Oh!Copy !req
419. Little Nancy Velsmo.Copy !req
420. Oh, that poor child.Copy !req
421. That poor child.Copy !req
422. She barely survived
the exorcism, as did I.Copy !req
423. And you say that
she needs my help?Copy !req
424. I think Nancy has been...Copy !req
425. Repossessed.Copy !req
426. Repossessed?Copy !req
427. Repossessed?Copy !req
428. How can you be sure?Copy !req
429. She's displaying
all the main traits:Copy !req
430. An ungodly voice, maniacal
facial expressions, violent spasms-Copy !req
431. But that doesn't prove a thing.Copy !req
432. She could be
related to Joe Cocker.Copy !req
433. - No.
- Could it be she has P.M.S.?Copy !req
434. Father, I've seen her!Copy !req
435. She's suffering from
something unholy.Copy !req
436. Satan has taken her soul again!
You have to help her!Copy !req
437. - I can't.
- But you must!Copy !req
438. I can't!Copy !req
439. I said it, damn you.Copy !req
440. - Father, are you all right?
- It's my heart.Copy !req
441. It began at Nancy's exorcism.Copy !req
442. That's why I can't help you.Copy !req
443. If Satan should find me
in this weakened condition,Copy !req
444. he could take possession of my
soul and become even stronger.Copy !req
445. - But if you can't help her, who can?
- I don't know.Copy !req
446. I don't.Copy !req
447. I don't.Copy !req
448. But... good Lord, yes!Copy !req
449. You could do it.Copy !req
450. You're young. You're strong.Copy !req
451. Luke...Copy !req
452. It is your destiny.Copy !req
453. There's no way.Copy !req
454. You see, there's something
that I haven't told you.Copy !req
455. I think I've lost my faith.Copy !req
456. Luke!Copy !req
457. I never want to hear you
say anything like that again.Copy !req
458. Now, why...Copy !req
459. Why don't you
look at it like this.Copy !req
460. Maybe this is God's way
of reaffirming your faith.Copy !req
461. While you're saving Nancy's soul, you're
also saving your own soul at the same time.Copy !req
462. After all, God does work in
strange ways, doesn't he?Copy !req
463. Yes. Yes, he does.Copy !req
464. Good.Copy !req
465. You've given me a lot
to think about, Father.Copy !req
466. Good night, and, uh...Copy !req
467. - God bless you.
- God bless you, son.Copy !req
468. Now, you have a
great deal of work to do.Copy !req
469. And Luke...Copy !req
470. May the faith be with you.Copy !req
471. And this just in.Copy !req
472. Father Mayii has once again wormed
his way out of yet another exorcism.Copy !req
473. - Father Mayii.
- Yes?Copy !req
474. Wasn't it hard to live with yourself
after completely wimping outCopy !req
475. and allowing a wuss like Father Luke
to go up against Satan all by himself?Copy !req
476. I mean, didn't you feel
like a complete pieceCopy !req
477. of gutless, spineless,
primordial slime?Copy !req
478. Next question.Copy !req
479. Luke knew little about
the ritual of exorcism,Copy !req
480. so he arranged for a meeting with the
supreme council for exorcism grantings.Copy !req
481. You looking for Father Luke?Copy !req
482. Wrong window.Copy !req
483. He's four windows to your right.Copy !req
484. His stomach was acting
up like a schnauzer in heat.Copy !req
485. Would they believe him?Copy !req
486. Would they mock him?Copy !req
487. Would they validate his parking?Copy !req
488. He turned to the
good book for comfort.Copy !req
489. Father Brophy?Copy !req
490. Please come in.Copy !req
491. Father Brophy,
I am Father Crosby.Copy !req
492. Father Stills,Copy !req
493. Father Nash,Copy !req
494. and Father Young.Copy !req
495. Ho-o!Copy !req
496. Does anyone know where-
Oh, there you are, Ernest.Copy !req
497. I'm sure you know Ernest
and Fanny Rae Weller.Copy !req
498. - Hello.
- Hello!Copy !req
499. Oh, Fufu says hello, too!Copy !req
500. Hi, Fufu!Copy !req
501. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.Copy !req
502. With all due respect, Father,
what are they doing here?Copy !req
503. The Wellers are our guests.Copy !req
504. It's all part of the interfaith exchange
program the church has adopted.Copy !req
505. I see.Copy !req
506. We understand that you
are presenting evidenceCopy !req
507. regarding possible
demonic possession.Copy !req
508. Please begin.Copy !req
509. And for these reasons I
feel an exorcism is warranted.Copy !req
510. Do you have any further information
that we might want to consider?Copy !req
511. Did I mention that Mrs. Aglet
also gave me a little head?Copy !req
512. I pray you grant this exorcism.Copy !req
513. If I may?Copy !req
514. It is my opinion that he has indeed
proved that an exorcism is necessary.Copy !req
515. Furthermore,Copy !req
516. why don't we
televise this exorcism?Copy !req
517. Hmm.Copy !req
518. Come on.Copy !req
519. Well, Mr. financial advisor.Copy !req
520. What do you think of my plan?Copy !req
521. Ever since your little midnight
liaisons with that boy's choir went public,Copy !req
522. the ministry's contributions
have gone down dramatically.Copy !req
523. Your plan better net six
million dollars in two weeks,Copy !req
524. because if it doesn't,
the word on the street is...Copy !req
525. Your ministry is history.Copy !req
526. Aaron, why don't
you just lighten up.Copy !req
527. Come on, now, go get the ball from daddy.
Come on! Ha, ha!Copy !req
528. Oh, no. Oh, oh, Ernest!Copy !req
529. Look what I did to my new dress!Copy !req
530. And do you know how
much this cost our followers?Copy !req
531. Oh, no, just look at this mess.Copy !req
532. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
533. Fufu?Copy !req
534. Fufu?Copy !req
535. Ernie, where's Fufu?Copy !req
536. Bye, Fufu!Copy !req
537. So, Mr. Weller.Copy !req
538. They say you have a
great idea for my network.Copy !req
539. Well, Mr. Tartastein, this special is
called Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight.Copy !req
540. It will be broadcast live throughout
the entire world via satellite.Copy !req
541. It will air continuously
until the final outcome.Copy !req
542. All the commercial
proceeds go to your network.Copy !req
543. And all the phone donations
come to my ministry.Copy !req
544. You don't mind doing business
with the devil, do you, Mr. Tartastein?Copy !req
545. Ha. Are you kidding?Copy !req
546. How do you think Love
Boat got on the air?Copy !req
547. - So, do we have a deal?
- We have a deal.Copy !req
548. May Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight
be this network's biggest ratings bonanza!Copy !req
549. - Father Mayii?
- Yes?Copy !req
550. Have you adhered strictly
to your vow of celibacy?Copy !req
551. Yes, I have.Copy !req
552. Me, too.Copy !req
553. I'm not surprised.Copy !req
554. Mine was by choice.Copy !req
555. Mrs. Aglet?Copy !req
556. Heh, heh.Copy !req
557. Hear my words, demon.Copy !req
558. I will cast thee from
this poor woman's soul,Copy !req
559. because thou art the prince of
darkness, the epitome of all evil.Copy !req
560. Eat shit and die.Copy !req
561. Let's see Geraldo
Rivera top this.Copy !req
562. Wait till they get a load of me.Copy !req
563. I had no way of knowing the forces of
evil were growing ever more powerful.Copy !req
564. But somehow I sensed:Copy !req
565. It was not Nancy
Aglet the devil wanted.Copy !req
566. He wanted me, and,
by God, I had to be ready.Copy !req
567. So I decided to not
only revitalize my faithCopy !req
568. but to restore my
physical strength as well.Copy !req
569. As they say in
Greenwich Village...Copy !req
570. To tighten and tone my buns.Copy !req
571. Excuse me. Uh, I'm Father Mayii.Copy !req
572. - I called-
- Hey, padre! How you doin'?Copy !req
573. I've been expecting you.Copy !req
574. Are you ready for
the workout now?Copy !req
575. What are we gonna work on today?
Pecmans?Copy !req
576. Buttissimo?Copy !req
577. Ah, the old abba dabbas
look a little soft, huh?Copy !req
578. - I beg your pardon...
- First things first.Copy !req
579. - Let's put this on your wrist.
- What is that?Copy !req
580. Okay, this is a
digital heart monitor.Copy !req
581. When your heart rate reaches
a certain stress level, it beeps.Copy !req
582. The harder you pump,
the faster it beeps.Copy !req
583. - Oh.
- Hi there, sailor.Copy !req
584. Heh. Heh. Sailor. You know.Copy !req
585. He must think this
is a naval uniform.Copy !req
586. Oh...Copy !req
587. Hey, your holiness.Copy !req
588. You okay?Copy !req
589. Well, let's rock and roll!
Come on!Copy !req
590. No, no, I don't want to go
to the women's gymnasium.Copy !req
591. Ah, your h-ness,
this is the 90s.Copy !req
592. Everybody's doing it together.
Come on.Copy !req
593. Oh, I, I just remembered.
I have another appointment-Copy !req
594. Padre, listen to me.
First of all, you can't work out in this.Copy !req
595. Let's go put some
real workout clothes on.Copy !req
596. How you doing?
Mind keeping that door closed, please?Copy !req
597. What do you say we
start sweating for the Lord.Copy !req
598. - But I really-
- Come on. Here we go.Copy !req
599. Excuse me.Copy !req
600. Hi, Father.Copy !req
601. Is there a convention in town?Copy !req
602. All right, Father.Copy !req
603. You wanna concentrate now. Back
straight, stomach in nice and tight, okay?Copy !req
604. This is a great exercise
for the inner thigh.Copy !req
605. When I count to three, breathe
normally, and ease out slowly.Copy !req
606. Ready? Come on, now. One.Copy !req
607. - Two.
- Ah!Copy !req
608. Well, hello there.Copy !req
609. How you doing?Copy !req
610. I always wanted to
have a personal trainer.Copy !req
611. Excuse me, I'm
looking for a man.Copy !req
612. Oh, no, you go find one of your own.
This one's already taken.Copy !req
613. Check, please.Copy !req
614. Slowly.Copy !req
615. There you go.Copy !req
616. Let's go for 10, okay?Copy !req
617. Father Mayii, I'm
so glad I found you.Copy !req
618. I went to visit you at the home, but the
sister at the front desk said you're here.Copy !req
619. Luke, you look troubled,
but then, you've always looked troubled.Copy !req
620. The supreme council
has granted the exorcism.Copy !req
621. - Well, thank God.
- There's a catch, I'm afraid.Copy !req
622. Have you heard of Ernest Weller?Copy !req
623. The evangelist with the
wife and matching dog?Copy !req
624. Weller has convinced them
to televise the exorcism.Copy !req
625. What?Copy !req
626. My God!Copy !req
627. That charlatan?Copy !req
628. That hypocrite?Copy !req
629. - Ah!
- Ah!Copy !req
630. There. You see?
Someone else who knows that it's wrong.Copy !req
631. You're a good man, Larry.Copy !req
632. It's a sacrilege.
It's a travesty.Copy !req
633. Televised exorcism?Copy !req
634. I can't believe that
they'd do such a thing!Copy !req
635. Well, they claim that
it will convert millions.Copy !req
636. Millions! In Weller's pocket!Copy !req
637. The man is a thief!
He's a swindler!Copy !req
638. He's a crook posing
as a man of God!Copy !req
639. That's the spirit, Father!
Together, we can do it!Copy !req
640. No, Luke.Copy !req
641. Ah!Copy !req
642. Think of Nancy, Father.
You're the only one with the experience.Copy !req
643. No, Luke, I do not
have the strength.Copy !req
644. You must do it.
Raise up your faith, Luke.Copy !req
645. Make it a giant
sword against Satan.Copy !req
646. Remember:Copy !req
647. Faith can move mountains.Copy !req
648. Yeah!Copy !req
649. Six. Seven.Copy !req
650. Good, let's switch!Copy !req
651. One. Two.Copy !req
652. Three. Four.Copy !req
653. Five. Six.Copy !req
654. Seven. And reach to the side.Copy !req
655. And one! Come on!Copy !req
656. More! Three and four!Copy !req
657. Five. Six. Seven.Copy !req
658. Twist again.Copy !req
659. Feel it, come on, work it!Copy !req
660. Four. Five.Copy !req
661. Six. Seven.Copy !req
662. Now the upper arms reach.Copy !req
663. Come on. Three. Three. Five.Copy !req
664. Six. Forward!Copy !req
665. Forward.Copy !req
666. Two. Three. Faster!Copy !req
667. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
668. Come on, summer's coming!Copy !req
669. Get those butts in gear!Copy !req
670. Two, three, four.Copy !req
671. Let's work with doggy kicks.Copy !req
672. Come on!Copy !req
673. And higher!Copy !req
674. Three. Four.Copy !req
675. Five. Come on!Copy !req
676. Get it up!Copy !req
677. Here we go!Copy !req
678. Eight. Seven.Copy !req
679. Six. Five.Copy !req
680. Four. You've got three!Copy !req
681. Two. One.Copy !req
682. Eight more! Eight. Whoo!Copy !req
683. Seven.Copy !req
684. - I can't do it alone, Father.
- You can, Luke. And you must.Copy !req
685. But I'm afraid to be
defeated in front of millions.Copy !req
686. That didn't stop Mike Tyson.Copy !req
687. Luke, remember: When you fall on
your face, you're still moving forward.Copy !req
688. My heart is weak,
and I'm too old.Copy !req
689. And I will not participate in
this, this sacrilegious circus.Copy !req
690. You see, now I've lost my glasses.
Please, I want you to leave me alone.Copy !req
691. I don't want to hear
any more about it.Copy !req
692. Young man, I was just in the locker room
there, and all my clothes have been stolen.Copy !req
693. And I want you to know,
I think that there'sCopy !req
694. someone here in the gymnasium
has a very serious problem.Copy !req
695. Padre,Copy !req
696. I think it's you with
the serious problem.Copy !req
697. - What?
- Father? Are these your glasses?Copy !req
698. Oh, thank you, my child.Copy !req
699. What problem?
I don't have any problems. I, I.Copy !req
700. Oh...Copy !req
701. - Oh!
- Are you all right, Father?Copy !req
702. Easy, your holiness.Copy !req
703. Easy, man.Copy !req
704. Father?Copy !req
705. Oh, mommy!Copy !req
706. Oh, mommy, no!Copy !req
707. N-n-not my mommy!Copy !req
708. Daddy's magazines-Copy !req
709. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
710. I'm Army Archerd, welcoming you to
the greatest television event of all time.Copy !req
711. Ernest and Fanny's
Exorcism Tonight!Copy !req
712. We have a tremendous audience
here at Global Television Studios,Copy !req
713. waiting in anticipation of the
greatest names in show biz.Copy !req
714. Is it? And look who's there!Copy !req
715. It's Sean Penn!Copy !req
716. Whoa!Copy !req
717. Whoa!Copy !req
718. Whoa!Copy !req
719. And wait a minute!Copy !req
720. Here they are, the courageous
couple who will be dueling with the devil!Copy !req
721. Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!Copy !req
722. Could we get you to come up?
Can we get you to come up? Oh, good.Copy !req
723. - Thank you.
- How are ya?Copy !req
724. - Hi, Ernest.
- Hi! Ha, ha! Hi! Hi, everybody!Copy !req
725. - How are you?
- Just fine. Hello.Copy !req
726. And everybody
say hello to Kit-Kat!Copy !req
727. Hello, Kit-Kat!Copy !req
728. First off, do you have some
words for the group here?Copy !req
729. Oh, yes, I do, I-Copy !req
730. I want you to go home
and tune in the show!Copy !req
731. - You're right. Come on.
- Okay.Copy !req
732. Oh, poo.Copy !req
733. This ensemble just
doesn't look right.Copy !req
734. You mind if I change, honey?Copy !req
735. Just hurry up.
We're on the air in 5 minutes.Copy !req
736. Okay.Copy !req
737. You know, Ernie, I just feel a little
bit nervous about coming face to face,Copy !req
738. you know,
with the devil and all.Copy !req
739. Relax.
Mrs. Aglet is not the devil.Copy !req
740. She is just a nut with a bad
complexion who thinks she is possessed.Copy !req
741. Oh, well, whatever you say.Copy !req
742. Oh, there!Copy !req
743. Now, I'll just look perfect
when I sing my song!Copy !req
744. I can't wait. Heh, heh.Copy !req
745. Remember, now, honey: You promised!
Okay, daddy.Copy !req
746. Ah. Ah.Copy !req
747. Aw.Copy !req
748. Cue.Copy !req
749. Settle down.Copy !req
750. Cue announcer.Copy !req
751. Live from Hollywood, it's Ernest
and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight!Copy !req
752. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!Copy !req
753. God blessCopy !req
754. all of you.Copy !req
755. Every one of you.Copy !req
756. My friends,Copy !req
757. tonightCopy !req
758. is soon to becomeCopy !req
759. the single most important
night in the history of mankindCopy !req
760. because tonightCopy !req
761. millions of youCopy !req
762. will witnessCopy !req
763. as we rid the vile spiritCopy !req
764. of Satan himself from the
soul of Mrs. Nancy Aglet!Copy !req
765. Praise the Lord!Copy !req
766. And assisting us in tonight's
exorcism is Father Luke Brophy.Copy !req
767. And now, believers,Copy !req
768. and non-believersCopy !req
769. from the bowels of hellCopy !req
770. I bring youCopy !req
771. the devil!Copy !req
772. Gee, mom looks terrible!Copy !req
773. Well, they say TV does
add 10 pounds to you.Copy !req
774. With the blessing of the Lord,Copy !req
775. let's start this exorcism.Copy !req
776. I command that thy putrid spirit leave
the holy being of this child of Jesus.Copy !req
777. - I cast thee back to hell.
- To hell!Copy !req
778. - I cast thee back to hell!
- To hell!Copy !req
779. I cast thee back to hell!Copy !req
780. Why don't you leave me a picture and resume
at the door and I'll get back to you, okay?Copy !req
781. Oh, you think you're tough?Copy !req
782. You're so tough?
How come you possessed a woman's body?Copy !req
783. You get off wearing
women's clothing?Copy !req
784. These just arrived for you.
We're back on the air in 10 seconds.Copy !req
785. This is wonderful. Wonderful!Copy !req
786. - What's it say, honey?
- You'll see. You will see.Copy !req
787. Friends,Copy !req
788. Fred Tartastein,
the president of this network,Copy !req
789. has just informed me
that we are being viewedCopy !req
790. by the largest audience
in television history.Copy !req
791. We got no time to celebrate right now,
‘cause we have an exorcism to perform.Copy !req
792. In the name of almighty God.Copy !req
793. Ernie!Copy !req
794. Watch out with
those special effects.Copy !req
795. Those aren't our effects.Copy !req
796. Setting off the
sprinkler system.Copy !req
797. Quiet!Copy !req
798. Do you realize we have
an awful lot in common?Copy !req
799. We both use people and then dump
them when they're no longer of use to us.Copy !req
800. I used you to get the
largest audience in history.Copy !req
801. And now, you're
no longer necessary.Copy !req
802. What do I do with a couple
of jackasses like you?Copy !req
803. Ha, ha, ha! That's it.Copy !req
804. Look! What's over there?Copy !req
805. - Oh!
- What the-Copy !req
806. Aah!Copy !req
807. Walk this way!Copy !req
808. Enough with the water.Copy !req
809. To all the people of
the world, welcome.Copy !req
810. Now that I have your undivided attention,
why don't we all get a little bit closer?Copy !req
811. Ohh.Copy !req
812. That's much better.Copy !req
813. Hello, I'm Barbara Walters,
and this is 20/20.Copy !req
814. Aah. I always wanted to do that.Copy !req
815. Ladies and gentlemen, this is
Father Brophy, we have an emergency.Copy !req
816. I beg of you,
if you're a man of God,Copy !req
817. please rush to the Global Television
Studios in Hollywood, California-Copy !req
818. Oh, sorry for the young
priest's emotional outburst.Copy !req
819. He hasn't done
much TV, you know.Copy !req
820. But I'd like all you viewers at home
now to gather around your TV sets.Copy !req
821. 'Cause I have
something very special-Copy !req
822. Satan's spirit
flew out of the TV!Copy !req
823. Ahh...Copy !req
824. You think you've stopped me,
but think again.Copy !req
825. 'Cause I know another
way to reach those people!Copy !req
826. Satan, stop!Copy !req
827. Where do you
think you're going?!Copy !req
828. I'm going to Disneyland!Copy !req
829. Stop! Or I swear, Father
Mayii will burn in hell forever!Copy !req
830. You can't burn
what you don't have.Copy !req
831. Burn this!Copy !req
832. And that's why producers like blonde,
17-year-old coeds as their assistants.Copy !req
833. Look out!Copy !req
834. Man, I didn't know this
tour had a stunt show!Copy !req
835. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
836. Whoa!Copy !req
837. Wow.Copy !req
838. You guys don't waste any time.Copy !req
839. Come on, let's go!Copy !req
840. Aah! Ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
841. Over there!Copy !req
842. Oh, what'd I do
to deserve this?!Copy !req
843. Stop, you monster!Copy !req
844. Ah, what's the matter?Copy !req
845. Can't take the heat, rookie?
Ha, ha, halCopy !req
846. Ahh!Copy !req
847. I, the all-powerful
prince of darkness,Copy !req
848. command all that is evil to unite
as one in my presence... Now!Copy !req
849. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
850. Ah, yes!Copy !req
851. Not bad, eh?Copy !req
852. Now watch, through the
use of modern electronics,Copy !req
853. as I turn millions of your
couch potatoes into my disciples!Copy !req
854. Ha, ha, halCopy !req
855. Yes!Copy !req
856. Freeze, pukeface!Copy !req
857. Think you're man enough
for a real challenge?Copy !req
858. A challenge? From you?Copy !req
859. Oh, don't make me laugh.
My skin will crack.Copy !req
860. Not me... Mayii.Copy !req
861. Mayii?! Oh, that old geezer
stopped slinging holy water years ago.Copy !req
862. Not before he
kicked your slimy butt.Copy !req
863. No way!Copy !req
864. I could've taken him.Copy !req
865. The fight was fixed.Copy !req
866. I want a rematch!Copy !req
867. You got it.Copy !req
868. Ha, ha, halCopy !req
869. This is it, America!Copy !req
870. The event you've
all been waiting for.Copy !req
871. Hi, I'm Mean Gene Okerlund,
along with Jesse "The Body" Ventura,Copy !req
872. bringing you the ultimate
confrontation of good against evil.Copy !req
873. Now, there's a man out there,Copy !req
874. who many years ago banished
me from the very soul I now possess.Copy !req
875. He humiliated me!Copy !req
876. And now, I've come
back to settle matters.Copy !req
877. And I'm not leaving until I
have his stinking, rotten soul.Copy !req
878. Father Mayii!Copy !req
879. Where are you?Copy !req
880. I know you're watching.Copy !req
881. Because this is Wednesday night,Copy !req
882. and everybody knows the other
networks don't have dick to watch tonight.Copy !req
883. So, do we do battle again?Copy !req
884. Or do you cherry out and
let me keep this soul forever?Copy !req
885. What do you say, Mayii?Copy !req
886. No...Copy !req
887. No!Copy !req
888. By God, you may not!Copy !req
889. The belle from hell
versus the dove from aboveCopy !req
890. in a one-soul, anything
goes match-up, Jess.Copy !req
891. It doesn't get any better
than this, Mean Gene,Copy !req
892. but everyone knows
Mayii's got a bad ticker.Copy !req
893. So Las Vegas oddsmakers have
listed him as a 25 to 1 underdog.Copy !req
894. You call this a tip,
you cheap bastard?!Copy !req
895. He doesn't stand a shot in hell!Copy !req
896. Father Brophy! Luke!Copy !req
897. - Luke!
- Father, what are you-Copy !req
898. - Oh, were you watching on TV?
- Yes. I had to come. I had no choice.Copy !req
899. Well, what about your heart?Copy !req
900. Don't worry about that.
I brought it with me.Copy !req
901. Father, this could kill you.Copy !req
902. Yes. Yes, but that's irrelevant.Copy !req
903. Satan is fighting
to take control here.Copy !req
904. Well, I'm not so sure.Copy !req
905. Remember,
his opponent is a woman.Copy !req
906. Nice tits, sure, but a face I
wouldn't want to wipe my feet on.Copy !req
907. - Ever hear of a paper bag?
- My money's on Mayii.Copy !req
908. Mayii!Copy !req
909. And they wonder why
priests never get married.Copy !req
910. Now, Luke, I'm going
to need your assistance,Copy !req
911. but if you are still lacking in faith,
you may be more harm than good.Copy !req
912. - Are you?
- No way.Copy !req
913. - You can count on me.
- Good.Copy !req
914. Now, just remember one thing:Copy !req
915. The devil is always trying
to take over your mind.Copy !req
916. He'll lie to you, he will deceive you.
He will totally try to manipulate you.Copy !req
917. So do not listen to
anything that he has to say.Copy !req
918. He's worse than
a studio executive.Copy !req
919. - Understood?
- Understood.Copy !req
920. Worse than a real estate
agent, a divorce attorney-Copy !req
921. - I got it.
- Right.Copy !req
922. All right, then.Copy !req
923. Let's go.Copy !req
924. They're here...Copy !req
925. Ah!Copy !req
926. I see it pays to
advertise on television.Copy !req
927. I think a little mood
lighting is appropriate.Copy !req
928. Don't you?Copy !req
929. There.Copy !req
930. Have no fear, my son.Copy !req
931. We have the Bible,
we have our faith.Copy !req
932. And as a back-up,
these beauties.Copy !req
933. That's an illegal
foreign object!Copy !req
934. Jesse, what do you
know about fairness?Copy !req
935. I'll show you fairness!Copy !req
936. Are you just about finished?Copy !req
937. It's been a long time, Mayii.Copy !req
938. I've waited an
eternity to do to youCopy !req
939. what you did to me
all those years ago.Copy !req
940. Before I do, I've got
something special for you.Copy !req
941. Oh, that is disgusting,
Mean Gene!Copy !req
942. I have never seen a move like
that in all my years of wrestling!Copy !req
943. Whew!Copy !req
944. So,Copy !req
945. how do you like it?Copy !req
946. Oh, you'll pay for that,
you bucket of cow dung.Copy !req
947. How dare you, you-Copy !req
948. How long has she
been in this condition?Copy !req
949. A few days. How does she look?Copy !req
950. Not too good. She looks like she's
been existing solely on airline food.Copy !req
951. Your Father wears tight underwear!
And I can't stand your mother!Copy !req
952. Will you put a sock in it?!Copy !req
953. Jeez, what crawled
up your butt and died?Copy !req
954. Every night I prayed to never
again gaze on your grotesque face,Copy !req
955. listen to your venomous voice,
but with you right in front of me now,Copy !req
956. I thank God that I have the opportunity
to boot your stinking carcass back to hell,Copy !req
957. you worthless, you
rotting, you vulgar spirit.Copy !req
958. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
959. Where does it say you
can talk to me like that?Copy !req
960. Right here.Copy !req
961. Oh, sure, you may feel
pretty cocky right now,Copy !req
962. but you'll soon realize that I
am far too powerful for you.Copy !req
963. And I am a man of God.Copy !req
964. And I fear no one, especially an
unholy spirit from an unsavory world.Copy !req
965. Unsavory? Aw, come on.Copy !req
966. You've got just as many
unsavory types here.Copy !req
967. From those Domino's Pizza delivery
boys to that idiot in the back rowCopy !req
968. who won't shut up
during the movie.Copy !req
969. Enough!Copy !req
970. This is meandering.Copy !req
971. Father, my lunch bucket.Copy !req
972. Holy water.Copy !req
973. The church was closed, um,
the only place open was a 7-11.Copy !req
974. Ahh, thank you, you've
been a lovely audience.Copy !req
975. And next, I'd like to do my
impression of comedian Don Adams.Copy !req
976. Where's the chief, 99?Copy !req
977. Do not get smart with me!Copy !req
978. On a visit to the little town of Bethlehem,
a young Shepherd came upon Jesus,Copy !req
979. accepted him Lord-Copy !req
980. Lick me! Lick me!Copy !req
981. Lick me!Copy !req
982. Oh, is this cool or what?Copy !req
983. It's the cone-ilingus move.Copy !req
984. Why don't you take a lick of this candy
stick, you sissy boys! Hee hee hee!Copy !req
985. That's disgusting!Copy !req
986. And the living
Jesus said unto him,Copy !req
987. "He who is strong in his belief of
God shall have his sins forgiven."Copy !req
988. What a levitation move!Copy !req
989. Jesus said unto him-Copy !req
990. Father, Luke, do not believe what
you are seeing. It is merely an illusion.Copy !req
991. You sound like George
Bush on the deficit!Copy !req
992. But she's floating in midair.Copy !req
993. Hey!
What are you doing with those scissors?Copy !req
994. Hey!Copy !req
995. Ohh!Copy !req
996. - Ouch!
- Oh!Copy !req
997. That was the anti
gravity backdrop, wow!Copy !req
998. lllegal, Man Gene!Copy !req
999. As I said, itis
merely an illusion.Copy !req
1000. Oh, yes.
That may have been an illusion.Copy !req
1001. But I know something
that's very real.Copy !req
1002. Your heart condition!Copy !req
1003. Oh, but don't worry.Copy !req
1004. Far be it from me
to want to rattle you.Copy !req
1005. Ah! Oh!Copy !req
1006. Say your prayers, Mayii.Copy !req
1007. Because soon you'll be history.Copy !req
1008. That's enough!Copy !req
1009. In the name of God,
I demand you stop this charade!Copy !req
1010. You... demand?Copy !req
1011. You're not in a position
to demand dick, altar boy!Copy !req
1012. See, I know all about you.Copy !req
1013. And why you really
joined the church.Copy !req
1014. Oh, sure.
They have a terrific dental plan.Copy !req
1015. - But that wasn't why.
- Be quiet.Copy !req
1016. Ignore that beast, Luke.Copy !req
1017. You joined the church because
you had no talents, no skills,Copy !req
1018. were totally untrainable,
and your S.A.T. score was under 400.Copy !req
1019. - Shut up!
- Don't listen!Copy !req
1020. So, you had two choices.Copy !req
1021. Either working in the church,
or the U.S. senate.Copy !req
1022. I said, shut up, damn you!
Shut up!Copy !req
1023. Don't listen, Luke!Copy !req
1024. I just want to thank you
for joining the church.Copy !req
1025. Because of you, I'll be able to
keep this woman's soul forever.Copy !req
1026. I have no right
calling myself a priest.Copy !req
1027. Luke, I have to
ask you to leave.Copy !req
1028. Aw, please, dad, can't he stay?
Tomorrow's not a school day. Please?Copy !req
1029. Damn you!Copy !req
1030. I'll kill you with
my bare hands.Copy !req
1031. Aw, you take your
best shot, you old fart.Copy !req
1032. Now, don't take a look at this picture with
your mother in bed with Manuel Noriega.Copy !req
1033. Aah!Copy !req
1034. Aah!Copy !req
1035. Luke!Copy !req
1036. He's down! He's out!Copy !req
1037. It's a heart attack, Mean Gene!Copy !req
1038. Massive cardiac.Copy !req
1039. - What a wuss!
- Father.Copy !req
1040. Uh!Copy !req
1041. He's coming back, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh!Copy !req
1042. What a comeback, Jesse Ventura!Copy !req
1043. I don't believe it!
He was down and out and finished!Copy !req
1044. So, you're a hard man to Kill.Copy !req
1045. It might be easier if
you were a woman.Copy !req
1046. Sister Mayii!Copy !req
1047. That guy even scares me,
Mean Gene.Copy !req
1048. Hi, ya, ya, ya!Copy !req
1049. Well, it ain't Star Search,
but I got a million of these.Copy !req
1050. This is the craziest
exorcism I've ever performed.Copy !req
1051. Hey! Who are you?Copy !req
1052. I'm your worst nightmare.Copy !req
1053. Something's wrong.Copy !req
1054. Ahh! Who needs steroids?Copy !req
1055. Steroids aren't used
in wrestling anymore.Copy !req
1056. Or any less.Copy !req
1057. And we are here to pumpCopy !req
1058. you up!Copy !req
1059. Hey!Copy !req
1060. You're nothing but
a little girly devil.Copy !req
1061. Satan!Copy !req
1062. Satan, you got him on the run.
What move you gonna use next?Copy !req
1063. Next, I'm gonna grab
a wrestler by his neck,Copy !req
1064. suck out his eyeballs,
and spit 'em down his throat!Copy !req
1065. What did she say?Copy !req
1066. She's talking to you, Mean Gene.Copy !req
1067. Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
1068. In the name of the holy Father,Copy !req
1069. I anoint this woman's body with
the symbol of God's goodness.Copy !req
1070. Ha, ha! You missed!Copy !req
1071. You swine!Copy !req
1072. Ooh!Copy !req
1073. Your tricks have
no effect on me!Copy !req
1074. Father.Copy !req
1075. I'm seeing a pattern here.Copy !req
1076. You fiend!Copy !req
1077. - Why am I a fiend?
- I was talking to her.Copy !req
1078. - You were looking at me.
- Well, you know!Copy !req
1079. I had nothing to
do with the water.Copy !req
1080. It came from over there
and it came from up there.Copy !req
1081. Luke!Copy !req
1082. - Luke!
- Leave her body!Copy !req
1083. Enter mine! Enter mine!Copy !req
1084. Luke!Copy !req
1085. Oh, no!Copy !req
1086. He's innocent.Copy !req
1087. It's my body you want.Copy !req
1088. Enter me!Copy !req
1089. Enter me!Copy !req
1090. Enter me!Copy !req
1091. Enter me!Copy !req
1092. Father Mayii?Copy !req
1093. Yes?Copy !req
1094. You may!Copy !req
1095. Father, don't!Copy !req
1096. You talk about
your action, Jesse!Copy !req
1097. It looks like a
transvestite battle royal!Copy !req
1098. Ooh...Copy !req
1099. Well, we almost had it
there for a second, didn't we?Copy !req
1100. - Nice goin'.
- Face it, you guys can't beat me.Copy !req
1101. You're losers.Copy !req
1102. No one can destroy what
the devil has created. Nah!Copy !req
1103. If it takes my last breath,
I'll prove you wrong.Copy !req
1104. What are we gonna do? We tried
everything, everything the devil hates.Copy !req
1105. Prayers, holy water, sex,
drugs, and rock and roll.Copy !req
1106. Rock and roll?Copy !req
1107. Rock and roll?
We never tried that.Copy !req
1108. I hate rock and roll.Copy !req
1109. Oh, you hate rock and roll?Copy !req
1110. Well, wait till you
get a load of me!Copy !req
1111. Hello, 911? This is the devil.Copy !req
1112. I'm being driven back to
hell by loud music. Could you-Copy !req
1113. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
1114. No!Copy !req
1115. There's no place like home.Copy !req
1116. There's no place like home.Copy !req
1117. - Nancy.
- There's no place-Copy !req
1118. It's all over now.Copy !req
1119. Ooh!Copy !req
1120. Ooh!Copy !req
1121. Oh, Father Mayii!Copy !req
1122. You saved me once again!
How can I ever thank you?Copy !req
1123. Ooh!Copy !req
1124. Nancy, saving your
soul is thanks enough.Copy !req
1125. Good will always
triumph over evil.Copy !req
1126. But I'm confident now that we
have seen the last of this vile demon.Copy !req
1127. Mayii!Copy !req
1128. I'll be back!Copy !req
1129. Ohh, shit.Copy !req
1130. So, it happened.Copy !req
1131. Victory over the devil.Copy !req
1132. A great day for mankind.Copy !req
1133. And a pretty good
day for split pea soup.Copy !req
1134. Nancy and Braydon are a happy
couple again, and the kids are just fine.Copy !req
1135. But now they're
taking acting lessons.Copy !req
1136. But that's not important right now.
I have a very special guest here for you.Copy !req
1137. Nancy Aglet.Copy !req
1138. Now, I'm sure many of you
have questions you'd like to ask.Copy !req
1139. Yes?Copy !req
1140. How do you feel
after all of this?Copy !req
1141. I feel wonderful.
Thanks for asking.Copy !req
1142. Uh, uh.Copy !req
1143. Yes?Copy !req
1144. No offense, but I think you're
insulting our intelligence.Copy !req
1145. I mean, honestly, do you
expect us to swallow this bullshit?Copy !req