Rat Race (2001)

1. Well, I wake up in the morning Each and every day

2. And I sit down at the table And I hear my daddy say

3. Life is nothing It's a nothing

4. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

5. Life is nothing It's a nothing

6. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

7. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

8. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

9. Every night I have a dream That you're taking off your dress

10. The only thing you're wearing Is a button on your chest

11. And the button It says nothing

12. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

13. Life is nothing It's a nothing

14. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

15. What is life?

16. What is life?

17. - A rat race - A rat race

18. What is life?

19. What is life?

20. - A rat race - A rat race

21. - A rat race - A rat, rat race

22. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

23. Oh, yeah, yeah

24. It's a jungle out there And I know I don't belong

25. So all night long I just sing my stupid song

26. Get a body out in the rat In the race

27. Get a body out in the rat In the race

28. Get a body out in the rat...

29. Jam to the sound of the storm

30. Coming strictly from The B-A-H-A-M-A-S

31. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

32. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

33. Oh, yeah, yeah

34. Life ain't nothing but a big rat race

35. Life ain't nothing but a big rat race

36. Life is nothing It's a nothing

37. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

38. Life is nothing It's a nothing

39. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

40. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

41. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

42. Oh, yeah, yeah

43. Hi. I'm checking out. 14322.

44. - Mr. Schaffer? - That's me.

45. I have your bill right here.

46. Great. Thank you.

47. So, how was your luck last night?

48. Oh, I don't, uh— I didn't gamble.

49. I was just here for a friend's bachelor party.

50. I guess he's the gambler.

51. Excuse me. Uh, what's this $110?

52. Uh, those are your in-room movies.

53. No, I didn't watch any movies.

54. Okay. Let's see.

55. Afro Whores.

56. Afro Whores?

57. You watched it. Let's see. Uh, 11 times.

58. No. No, no, no, wait—

59. Afro Whores, 2:30.

60. Afro Whores, 4:00.

61. - Afro Whores, 5:30. - Okay.

62. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes,

63. and then switched back over to Afro Whores.

64. I— I swear, I didn't watch it.

65. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there.

66. You can ask any of them. You have— You have to take that off my record.

67. - This is not a record, sir. - I...

68. - You have to delete that. - Okay. Fine.

69. How many times did you watch it?

70. None. I didn't watch it.

71. Are you sure?

72. "Sizzling three-way back door action featuring two sexy soul sisters"?

73. No. I don't need to know what it's about. I did not watch it!

74. I didn't.

75. Drove 500, and Chipper Jones struck out

76. as we saw in that key situation.

77. This month, he has a one-game winning streak...

78. Miss?

79. Miss, can I have another one of these, please?

80. Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman.

81. I am a woman.

82. You know, you look kind of familiar.

83. Yeah, you do.

84. You know, I get that all the time.

85. I guess I just have one of those faces.

86. And now, for our "Loser of the Week."

87. This week, it's a no-brainer.

88. Referee, Owen Templeton, made the biggest bonehead call

89. in the history of football.

90. I think everyone remembers.

91. It happened last Sunday at Dallas, with the score tied at ten.

92. They were headed towards overtime, everything was cool,

93. they were about to toss the coin to see who would kick off.

94. - Dallas, call it in the air! - Tails.

95. - Oh, that's heads. - It was tails!

96. - No, no, no, it's, uh... - That was tails!

97. No. Wait! Hang on! It's, uh...

98. - It's head. - Now, what did I say?

99. It's tails.

100. - It's heads. - What are you doing?

101. Okay, little brother, just be cool. Just be cool.

102. Okay. This is it. See that glass?

103. Walk across the lobby,

104. slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.

105. I may break my neck.

106. It's true, you could break your neck.

107. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

108. Why don't you do it?

109. Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim,

110. and one of us needs to be the witness.

111. What kind of witness would you make?

112. I'm your own brother. I don't know what the hell you're saying.

113. How's your tongue? Let me see it.

114. How does it look?

115. It looks good. It looks much better.

116. - Oh... - Okay. Here we go.

117. Remember, we're on Candid Camera, so, uh, make it look good.

118. Excuse me. I'm a lawyer, Gloria Allred.

119. - What the hell happened here? - She slipped on that glass.

120. Those arrogant jerks! They're going to pay for this.

121. They're gonna pay through the nose.

122. How's your neck? I've never seen such negligence.

123. This is going to be huge.

124. - She's an angel. - What a cute little face.

125. - Would you look at those cheeks! - Oh, my gosh.

126. - She's absolutely beautiful. - She has your eyes.

127. It's the only picture I have of her.

128. It's all worn out because I'm always looking at it.

129. And you haven't seen her for 27 years?

130. No, not till today.

131. - She just called you out of the blue? - No, no. I found her.

132. I hired a detective. I spent all my money and, uh,

133. now, we're going to meet.

134. - That's so wonderful. - You think she'll recognize me?

135. Of course, she will, won't she?

136. - Yeah. - She will.

137. Vera Baker.

138. My baby!

139. I'm just—

140. Excuse me. I have to take this.

141. This is Merrill.

142. No! That's unacceptable!

143. Listen, tell Warren if we don't ship by Tuesday,

144. we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day, and that's unacceptable!

145. So don't give me any excuses and do it!

146. Do it! Just shut up and get it done!

147. Oh, honey, you broke your phone.

148. It's okay. I carry extras.

149. - Why don't we sit down? - Yes.

150. You probably have a thousand questions for me.

151. - No. - I was young.

152. I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant.

153. And I felt...

154. I could handle it at the time.

155. Hi.

156. Do you think you gals could just

157. pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?

158. - Oh. - Yeah.

159. - Sure. - Sure. But what would you like?

160. Mimosa.

161. They both want a Mimosa.

162. So... you sell cosmetics?

163. Yeah. I have my own company.

164. - Oh. - And we're going public.

165. And you're not married?

166. - Lucy Ann said you wouldn't. - Who?

167. Lucy Ann, she's my psychic.

168. She's the one who told me to come look for you.

169. She said you needed me.

170. She did?

171. She said you were lonely,

172. and that you were worried about money, and that you had trouble sleeping.

173. Who the hell isn't?

174. See? I told you we didn't need a bell man.

175. Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy.

176. You've avoided another tip. Thank you.

177. Well, those nickels and dimes add up, Beverly.

178. - I call this bed! - Hey, no fair!

179. - You gotta pick last night. - Go to hell, Jason.

180. - Make me, nimrod. - Hey, language, please.

181. - Bev, his and her bathrobes. - Yes.

182. Oh, look at that view.

183. Yeah, nice view.

184. Okay, honey, well, uh...

185. - Hey, why don't you unpack? - Okay.

186. And I'm just gonna go look around.

187. Wait, wait, wait.

188. You're not going to the casino?

189. No, no. Of course not. Uh...

190. You know, I just drove from the Grand Canyon.

191. Gotta stretch my legs.

192. You swore to me on your mother's eyes! We are here to see David Copperfield.

193. No gambling!

194. No gambling, I'm just looking around.

195. In fact, I'm, uh, I'm gonna go to the gift shop.

196. I can jump farther than you.

197. - Hey, uh, I'll see you guys later. - No way. Watch.

198. Oh. That's got to hurt.

199. Honey! Kids need you.

200. - Hey, Nick! Nicky! - Hey.

201. You're not leaving?

202. - I'm in court on Tuesday. - No, you're not.

203. Well, I work for people who are in court on Tuesday.

204. You pussy! You can't leave, Nick. It's still going on up there.

205. Richie, I have to. I've had two hours' sleep.

206. Steve Cunningham just got another stripper, Nicky.

207. You gotta see this one. She's incredible!

208. - No, I can't, I gotta get back. - No, you don't, Nick.

209. I know you, man, you're scared.

210. You're scared that it's gonna get out of control up there,

211. someday you'll be up for attorney general, it'll come back to haunt you.

212. I'm not having this conversation.

213. Nick, you didn't even gamble, man.

214. Not one quarter. That's no way to live, buddy.

215. In fact, that ain't even living.

216. - It's hiding. - Okay, I'm not hiding from anything.

217. - Oh, no? - No.

218. Okay. Then prove it, Nick.

219. Do something. Anything. I mean, break one rule.

220. Uh, here, look. Nick.

221. A paper. Come on, take it.

222. Take it. Come on, Nick. Take it.

223. I have a plane to catch, okay? I'll see you in Chicago.

224. Oh, my God, I won! I won!

225. Look at all that money coming down.

226. Oh. Look, look, look, look! What's— What's—

227. "You're a winner. See Guest Services."

228. What? A dollar?

229. Come on, baby! Come on!

230. Yahoo!

231. - Oh. - Come on.

232. We won!

233. - We won one. - What is this?

234. This isn't money.

235. That's the prize? A free buffet?

236. Oh, well. No, actually, it's not a buffet.

237. It's a special reception at ten o'clock in the penthouse conference room...

238. - Oh. - ... where, "A spectacular,

239. once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaits you."

240. And, uh, that's all I know.

241. - What do you think? - I think it's some kind of scam.

242. Oh, good, a scam! We'll do it.

243. All right, great. I'll need to see some ID then.

244. Oh, okay.

245. There! I gambled.

246. Family vacation, huh?

247. These are the moments you gotta savor, am I right?

248. They will never come around again.

249. - Exactly. - There you go, sir.

250. Excuse me, do you know what's going on?

251. Yeah. Free grub, that's what's going on.

252. This room is fabulous!

253. Excuse me. Does anybody know what we're doing here?

254. Beats me.

255. Oh, my God! You should sue somebody.

256. I did it myself.

257. - What? - He said he did it himself.

258. He sent away for a kit.

259. I knew I recognized you.

260. You're the referee, the bonehead.

261. Oh, you know, it's just the media blowing it out of proportion.

262. Well, my hairdresser's husband lost $800 because of you.

263. - Everybody thinks we flip quarters. - Can I have a picture with you?

264. It's really a commemorative coin. Look.

265. - Smile! - You—

266. Am I too late?

267. Look, I won a coin. A gold coin.

268. Ah. Isn't this wonderful?

269. Look at this room.

270. What a beautiful room!

271. Have you seen this room?

272. Yes. We're in it.

273. I am Enrico Pollini.

274. Now, I know what you are thinking.

275. - Enrico is a girl's name. - No, I wasn't.

276. No pun intended.

277. What— What pun is that?

278. Food! Look at all this food.

279. What a beautiful party!

280. Little cock doggies.

281. They're called cocktail weenies.

282. Weenies.

283. I'm so sorry. My English is not so good, but I'm learning.

284. - Hmm. - That's it!

285. Vera, come on. We're out of here.

286. Wait! Let me say goodbye.

287. - Bye, y'all. - Excuse me.

288. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair. I own this hotel.

289. We don't have much time.

290. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina

291. heading straight for Earth.

292. The impact is going to kill everything and everyone on this planet.

293. I built a bunker in the basement of this casino

294. strong enough to withstand the blast.

295. There's room for eight people. I've chosen the seven of you, plus me.

296. When this is over, it will be up to us to re-populate and re-civilize the planet.

297. I couldn't resist!

298. I'm sorry.

299. A joke.

300. - He made a joke. - Do sit down. Please.

301. Uh, Merrill, you and your mother can sit over here.

302. How do you know she's my mother?

303. Alas, there are no secrets anymore, Merrill.

304. Actually, that's not quite true. There is one secret.

305. One last secret.

306. And it involves all of you.

307. I'm getting goose pimples.

308. Ah, Mr. Schaffer!

309. Curiosity got the better of you, eh?

310. Come and sit down.

311. Um, I'm— I'm fine, thanks.

312. Well, you haven't missed anything. We were just cutting to the chase.

313. "Cutting to the chase."

314. Well, you'll laugh later. Now, as you know,

315. the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs

316. or hitting the state lottery are astronomical.

317. I mean, millions to one. A serious person doesn't even bother.

318. But today...

319. you have the chance of playing a game

320. where the odds of winning are one in six.

321. One in six!

322. That's one throw...

323. of the dice.

324. Ah, this is my attorney, Mr. Grisham,

325. tragically was born without a personality.

326. Ah, Mr. Grisham is insisting that anyone who wishes to participate

327. in our little experiment should sign this waiver

328. absolving the casino from any responsibility

329. for damages, personal liability, blah, blah, blah.

330. So, who do you like, Claude?

331. The young woman in the black coat. She looks desperate.

332. Yes. But she has her mother with her.

333. That could slow her down, hmm?

334. - Perhaps. - Now...

335. 563 miles from here

336. is a little town called Silver City, New Mexico.

337. - Gold rush. - Quite right, Nick.

338. Yes, they struck gold there in 1860.

339. It was the second largest gold rush in American history.

340. Very good, Nick.

341. I think Nick should be our captain.

342. In downtown Silver City, there's a train station. You can't miss it.

343. As you go in the front door, there are some lockers on the right.

344. Mr. Grisham, do you have the keys?

345. Six identical keys.

346. They all open the same locker. That's locker 001.

347. Inside the locker is a red duffel bag.

348. Inside the red duffel bag is two million dollars.

349. In cash. Fifties and hundreds makes a pile about...

350. so big.

351. First one there... keeps it all.

352. Cool.

353. Oh, and I've put little transmitting, uh, devices in your key rings,

354. so I can keep track of you.

355. And, uh, that's it.

356. Go!

357. You— You can't just pick people at random!

358. I can do anything I like, Owen. I'm eccentric.

359. - Go! - Wait, wait, wait.

360. So, it— it's like a race?

361. A race? It's a race! I hope I win.

362. - Um, what are the, uh, rules? - There's only one rule.

363. Are you ready? Here it is:

364. There are no rules. Go!

365. - Go! - So now,

366. when you say go, you mean, just go?

367. Ah. Be— Begin, commence, uh, s— start moving.

368. You see, theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds.

369. And so far, Mr. Schaffer is winning

370. because he's nearest to the door.

371. You're crazy!

372. It's a race! A race!

373. You have to pace yourself.

374. Carbohydrate is important. Pasta is good.

375. Breathing... is important.

376. Scusi.

377. One, two, three...

378. It's some sort of joke.

379. - It has to be. - Yeah.

380. What kind of jackass just gives away two million dollars?

381. Well, maybe it's a publicity stunt.

382. What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.

383. Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.

384. A secret publicity stunt?

385. Yes.

386. I don't know what his angle is, but there's always an angle.

387. Donald Sinclair, people like him

388. make millions of dollars every day playing people like us for chumps.

389. - I'm nobody's chump. - So, you don't believe him.

390. 11:30 nonstop to Chicago. I'm gonna be on it.

391. You know what, he's right.

392. I'm not cutting short my first family vacation in three years

393. to go on some half-assed wild goose chase.

394. Okay. So... you're not going for it?

395. - No. - No.

396. I don't think so!

397. Not me. No.

398. No, great.

399. - Well, I guess that's that, huh? - Great.

400. Well, it was nice meeting you all. I'm going to take the stairs.

401. My room's just two floors down, so, nice meeting you.

402. Hey, have a nice vacation.

403. You know, it's probably stuck.

404. I think I'm gonna take the stairs too.

405. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

406. Come on, Vera!

407. Watch it!

408. Coming through.

409. Hold the door, please?

410. Take your time. No rush.

411. - Get up! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

412. This is crazy.

413. Listen, if we're all gonna go for it, why don't we go for it together?

414. You know, like, split the money 50-50?

415. Fifty-fifty?

416. Oh, you know, I mean 50-50. Whatever, whatever.

417. Yes, yes, yes, that's a good plan.

418. It's a race, it's a race!

419. I'm winning, I'm winning!

420. And they're off!

421. No one, gentlemen, no one...

422. is offering you action like this.

423. A horse race with animals that can think and plan and lie

424. and cheat... and play dirty?

425. It's the gambling experience of a lifetime,

426. and it's my way of saying...

427. I understand men like you.

428. I know what you want. I know what you need.

429. This casino, my casino... is where you belong.

430. My cab!

431. Excuse me.

432. - To the airport. - You got it.

433. We're out the door. I don't see you. Where are you?

434. I forgot to tip the maid. I always tip the maid.

435. - Forget about the maid, Vera. - Okay.

436. - There he is! Come on! - Oh, oh.

437. - Okay, okay, okay. - Let's— Let's go.

438. Bev, this is a real job. I swear!

439. What is it?

440. - Huh? - The job? What's the job?

441. Ink. For fountain pens.

442. And they're in New Mexico?

443. Silver City, New Mexico.

444. But I— I love New Mexico. Honey, we'll go with you.

445. - No! - Why not?

446. Because we've already paid for the room.

447. - Ah! Now, look who's wasting money! - No, no, no, no.

448. This was your idea to stop here.

449. I don't care about David Copperfield. This is our family vacation.

450. - We'll go with you. - But you don't understand.

451. We will go with you!

452. The—

453. - Fine. - Yes!

454. Fine. Here. Call the bellman, have him bring the van around.

455. Okay? Happy? Happy?

456. Scusi. Scusi. I'm in a race. Scusi.

457. Mmm. Scusi. It's a race.

458. - What is he doing? - I think he's sleeping.

459. - Slee— sleeping? - Well, he must be narcoleptic.

460. It's a— a rare sleeping disorder.

461. - But— but I— I bet on him! - So did I. Two million dollars.

462. I'm sorry, gentlemen. All the bets are locked in.

463. Sleeping! Sleeping!

464. - Look out! - Don't tell me how to drive!

465. It's only yellow. Run it!

466. Where's my video game?

467. Seat belts, seat belts, everyone.

468. - Honey, what is the rush? - I don't want to be late.

469. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

470. You're not just a travel agent, Roger. You're an angel.

471. There's one charter plane available in Las Vegas,

472. - and we just bagged it. - Oh.

473. - Back to pass. - Get rid of it.

474. - Looks to his left... - Get rid of it.

475. Throw the ball!

476. That's why you're not gonna get drafted!

477. You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona!

478. - You like football? - Sure.

479. Did you happen to catch that, uh, Dallas game last week?

480. Uh, you can't really call it a game, eh?

481. It was an obscenity. It was a crime against football.

482. I lost 20 grand on that game! And they would have won!

483. Now I've got to work two shifts because of that idiot.

484. I mean, Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game.

485. Where the hell's the airport?

486. One lousy flip of the coin

487. and the whole franchise goes straight down the crapper.

488. - That will be ten-fifty, buddy. - Okay, keep the change.

489. Hey, hey, hey! Thanks a lot. You have a nice flight!

490. Yeah! Whoo!

491. - Hey, do you know who that was? - Nah.

492. That was the ref.

493. The guy from the game. The coin toss.

494. Oh, my God, you're right!

495. That was him! I had him in the cab and I let him go!

496. - Where are we going? - We gotta go. Come on.

497. Just go. Go, go, go, go, go.

498. Chumps!

499. Excuse me. Hi.

500. - I'm not a creep or anything. - I don't have any quarters.

501. Oh, no. Um, no. I— I never do this,

502. but I'm reading the same book you are. Look.

503. - See? Lindbergh. - Mmm.

504. - It's fantastic, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.

505. What part are you on?

506. He just had a sex change.

507. - Who did? Lindbergh? - Mm-hmm.

508. - A sex change? - Oh, yeah. Hmm.

509. - That's funny. - I thought so.

510. That's funny. I wouldn't be too proud of yourself, though.

511. See, I'm the most gullible guy in Chicago.

512. - Can I buy you a drink? - I can't. I'm flying.

513. - Oh, it'll relax you. - No, no. I mean, I'm flying.

514. I'm a pilot.

515. Pilot? Are there a lot of female pilots?

516. There's at least one.

517. As soon as I walk away, I'm gonna think of something great to say to that.

518. Good.

519. Mail it to me.

520. Flight 115 to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

521. - Thank you. - You'd better hurry.

522. Yeah, four tickets to Albuquerque. Please.

523. Near the front of the plane. Please.

524. - Let's see here. - Come on!

525. This is so exciting!

526. I've never been on a private plane before. This is bigger than my condo.

527. Gentlemen, what's our ETA?

528. Uh, one hour and ten minutes.

529. If you can do it in less than an hour, I'll buy you both dinner.

530. You're on!

531. Watch it! Move! Excuse me.

532. Move! Move! Out of the way!

533. - Who was next? - I was.

534. - I was! - I was!

535. - What? You were not next! - Are you calling me a liar?

536. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.

537. We've been in line back here over 20 minutes.

538. Okay. Hold on. Is that the correct time?

539. Yes, it is.

540. - Who's next? - They were, right there.

541. Two tickets to Albuquerque.

542. Sorry. Ouch. We're completely booked.

543. There's nothing.

544. Oh, there's a 4:30, but you have to switch in Dallas.

545. All right. That's it.

546. What do you mean, "That's it"? I'm not giving up.

547. And neither are you. And neither am I.

548. I'll tell you something, brother.

549. If we're not flying out of here, nobody's flying out of here.

550. Okay!

551. Well, that can't be good.

552. Duane!

553. No!

554. Blaine! Blaine!

555. Oh. Oh. No! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Ah!

556. - Oh! - Blaine!

557. Shit!

558. Let it go!

559. Duane, are you all right?

560. Get out! Duane, stop the car!

561. I can't!

562. Duane, what are you doing?

563. - I got nowhere to go! - Move!

564. Trying to kill me?

565. Duane, stop the car!

566. Stop the car!

567. - Oh, no. No. - No.

568. Blaine, Blaine.

569. Now freeze everything, every flight.

570. Get me Central Operations.

571. Attention, all passengers!

572. Due to a technical problem with our radar tracking system,

573. all flights are postponed until further notice.

574. We apologize for any inconvenience.

575. Come on, we gotta go! We gotta go!

576. - Hurry up! Let's go. - Wait, Dad.

577. Forget the bags. Let's go!

578. Coming through!

579. - This is your license? - Yes, it is.

580. - Where was it issued? - In Guam.

581. Just head east. And I'm in a hurry!

582. Hello, again.

583. East it is.

584. We have a, uh, mid-sized Caprice.

585. - What color is it? - We don't care about color.

586. Just give us whatever car is parked closest to the door.

587. Ask about insurance.

588. Would you be interested in purchasing liability insurance?

589. How much is it?

590. It doesn't matter. We'll take it. Just hurry.

591. Hit enter.

592. Now shift.

593. Shift key, right there.

594. Hey, watch it!

595. Bus! White people!

596. - Oh! - Idiot!

597. Okay. I've got one.

598. - What? - A great comeback.

599. - Oh, okay. - Okay.

600. I said, "Are there a lot of female pilots?"

601. And you said, "There's at least one."

602. I should have said, "Two, if you count Lindbergh."

603. Because you said he had a sex change.

604. - It's a work in progress. - Okay.

605. - I'm Nick Schaffer. - Tracy Faucet.

606. So, I guess you can have that drink now.

607. No. I told you I'm flying. I'm— I'm leaving for Roswell in five minutes.

608. Oh, didn't you hear? Everybody's grounded.

609. Oh, no. That's only for fixed wing.

610. I'm in a chopper, we use a different system.

611. - Roswell, New Mexico? - Uh-huh.

612. You're flying to New Mexico?

613. Yeah. We've been flying down all week.

614. They're repainting the whole fleet.

615. You can fly. Nobody else can fly.

616. But you can fly.

617. - And you're flying to New Mexico. - Yeah.

618. - But nobody else can fly. - Yeah.

619. Do you need a ride?

620. Come on!

621. - Coconut. - Coconut.

622. Who had coconut?

623. - I did. - Oh.

624. Ah, Phil.

625. That's the kind of car that I'm getting.

626. - Yeah? Don't count on it. - Why not?

627. Because the Volkswagen Beetle was used by the Nazis.

628. I would not be comfortable driving around in one.

629. So, don't drive it. I will.

630. - Dad, I have to go. - No, you don't.

631. - Yes, I do. I really do. - We just stopped!

632. I couldn't go. The bathroom was too gross.

633. - Well, can't you hold it in? - I can't. It's an emergency!

634. - Honey, there's a restaurant. - No, that's three miles off the road.

635. And then three miles back. We lose ten minutes.

636. So what? Your daughter has to go to the bathroom.

637. - Please stop, Dad... - All right, all right.

638. Jason, just look back there for an empty jar.

639. A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.

640. Oh, all right, sorry.

641. Jason, we're going to need a jar and a funnel.

642. Dad, I don't have to pee. It's number two!

643. Sorry, I can't stop.

644. Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it.

645. What the hell does that mean?

646. You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.

647. - I do not wanna picture that! - Uh, no!

648. Yes, sir. Silver City it is, buddy.

649. It's about 700 miles. You don't mind, do you?

650. Oh, no. No, no, no, I don't mind.

651. A job, it's just another job for me.

652. About how much do you think that's gonna cost?

653. I wouldn't worry about it.

654. Tell you what...

655. you just pay me whatever you think is fair.

656. Because... I trust your judgment.

657. - I hate you! I hate you! - All right. Nobody look.

658. I'm gonna turn on the radio, honey, so nobody can hear you.

659. I'll never forget this.

660. I hate you.

661. Okay, nobody can hear you, honey. Push away.

662. I'm gonna drop you off right there.

663. - There's a parking lot near the hospital. - Great. Great.

664. So, what's wrong with her?

665. - Who? - Your sister. You said it was serious.

666. Oh, uh, yeah. Shark bite.

667. - A shark bite? - Yeah.

668. They took her to Silver City?

669. Yeah. Well, they have a really good shark attack unit there.

670. How fast was I going?

671. Where are we?

672. Oh, it's a— it's a shortcut I know.

673. Well, maybe we should stick to the highway.

674. Huh, there's a thought.

675. You say we should stick to the highway,

676. I say we should take my shortcut.

677. Why don't we just flip a coin?

678. - No! It's not what you think! - Come here you...

679. - No, wait! Stop it! - ... blind son of a bitch!

680. - Where's that whistle? - Hey! Wait! Wait!

681. I'm gonna shove it up your ass!

682. - Come back here! - Arrivederci.

683. Oh, sh— Oh, shit! Oh! Ah. Oh.

684. Oh, ah. I'll kill him!

685. Squirrel?

686. No, thank you. We're looking for the interstate.

687. Uh, I get that a lot because of the detour.

688. Now they've lost their way.

689. Now they can't go home.

690. - You're sure you don't want one? - We're sure. Thank you.

691. Oh, they make crackerjack pets.

692. I taught this one to shake hands.

693. He's not for sale, though.

694. Hey, who wants to go home with the nice ladies, huh?

695. "Ooh, Pick me! Pick me!

696. Oh, don't be afraid, I don't bite.

697. What's your name, pretty lady?"

698. Vera.

699. Ma'am, uh, really, we're not interested.

700. Well, I'm not talking to you, am I? I'm talking to Vera.

701. What about Bucky here?

702. He just loves to climb the trees and eat the nuts.

703. Ma'am! We do not want a squirrel!

704. Now, do you or do you not know where the interstate is?

705. Of course, I do. I'm not retarded.

706. "Tell them about the shortcut."

707. Oh... Thank you, Bucky.

708. I almost forgot. There's a dandy shortcut

709. that will bring you right to Exit 14. It'll save you 30 miles.

710. - Oh. - Now, listen carefully.

711. You wanna go straight down here exactly 1.8 miles.

712. 1.8.

713. And you make a left at the Totem Pole Ranch.

714. Go 5.4 miles, and you're gonna go up a big hill.

715. And you'll see a big yellow sign with some graffiti on it.

716. There's a little dirt road. Take that on the right.

717. It'll take you right to the interstate.

718. Thank you very much.

719. Oh, wait a minute.

720. Take some nuts with you, just in case you see a squirrel.

721. Okay? All right.

722. "Bye. Bye.

723. Oh, you could have bought me."

724. You'll make it. You'll make it.

725. Where am I?

726. Wow! A Barbie museum! Can we stop?

727. Sorry, Kimmy. We have a plan.

728. And we're going to stick to the plan.

729. Please, Daddy. Please, please, please...

730. It's not fair. We never get to stop anywhere I want to.

731. I'm sure Jason doesn't wanna go to the Barbie museum.

732. Are you kidding? I'll stop anywhere.

733. - I'm wigging out back here. - You know, okay, honey.

734. You really need to pull over and stop to give the kids a break.

735. - Yeah, okay, maybe on the way back. - No, no, no. Stop the car.

736. - Uh, no, I can't do that. - We all need to stop the car.

737. - No can do. - No. You need to stop the car.

738. - No! - Can you please—

739. Stop the car!

740. Okay, fine, but ten minutes.

741. Wow! The Barbie museum!

742. Klaus Barbie, sometimes known as the Butcher of Lyon.

743. Let the Jew revisionists talk about their death camps

744. and so-called crimes against humanity.

745. This museum is lovingly dedicated

746. to the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.

747. The husband, the devoted father, the wine connoisseur,

748. and three-time ballroom dancing champion.

749. Hey, hey, there's that guy, the pudgy one.

750. Barbie joined the SS in 1935,

751. where he soon became

752. one of the Führer's favorite young officers.

753. Uh, can we go?

754. Here, we see him standing beside Hitler's touring car,

755. the very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard.

756. You're leaving?

757. What?

758. No. What? Yes.

759. Well, we— we have a— a 4:30 book burning and then— and then we have a...

760. - Uh, a christening. - Yes, a christening.

761. For one of our many, uh, white Christian,

762. - non-Jewish, uh, fri— friends. - Family.

763. - Family. Relatives. - Blood relatives.

764. The Him— Himmler Hessin Von... Sturichberg...

765. - Okay. Thank you so much. - Yes, love— love your do.

766. - Bye. - Thank you.

767. It's beautiful. We had a great time.

768. - Wow! Oh, a gift shop! - Yes, I know, honey.

769. Next time. Next time, I promise. I really do.

770. Just go. Just go.

771. What's? What is— Oh, my God!

772. - We've been cut. - How?

773. What do we do now?

774. - I say we take the interstate. - No. Take Highway 12.

775. - That's a shortcut. - But you don't know what the shortcut is.

776. It could be anything. It could be a dirt road.

777. You know what? There's two of us.

778. Why don't we just separate?

779. - What? - There's two of us.

780. Maybe we should just separate.

781. You're right. You're a genius.

782. There's two of us. If we separate and you steal a car,

783. we can both go our own way and double our chances of getting there first.

784. All right. You take the—

785. We've only got one key!

786. Oh, look! There it is. Totem Pole Ranch, turn left.

787. 1.8 miles exactly. All right, squirrel lady!

788. I can't believe it, Dad.

789. You just stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes Benz!

790. Well, Hitler had it coming.

791. What goes around, comes around.

792. Man, they're going to be pissed.

793. Uh, they're always pissed, honey.

794. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.

795. Hey, honey, when we get to Silver City...

796. We'll call them. We'll work something out.

797. - North? - A little detour.

798. It'll just take a minute.

799. I just wanted to say hi to my boyfriend.

800. I can't believe it.

801. That son of a bitch!

802. That's— That's Charlene's car!

803. Charlene?

804. His ex-girlfriend. Or so I thought.

805. Come on, now. I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

806. She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or...

807. Nice and warm.

808. Okay.

809. What the— No!

810. - Oh. - Get down!

811. Did I come at a bad time, asshole?

812. I'll ram this helicopter right down your throat!

813. No! Whoa!

814. - Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? - Don't worry about me.

815. My father's a navy pilot. I've been flying since I was 15!

816. No. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me.

817. Shawn, you have a minute?

818. I wanna talk about our relationship!

819. Suck on that, creep!

820. That's—

821. Not the truck!

822. No! Oh, my God!

823. Come on, help me. Open it.

824. Uh, you know what, Tracy, I'm actually not comfortable—

825. - Open it! - Okay.

826. She's gonna kill me.

827. We should get out of here.

828. - Not yet! - Okay.

829. You two-timing, backstabbing sneak!

830. You worm! You turd!

831. My God! What was I thinking? I want my five months back!

832. I'm getting the tattoo removed!

833. Hey! Stop hitting me!

834. Where are you going, baby? Wait for me!

835. Let go!

836. No! No, no!

837. No!

838. I think we just killed him.

839. You can't kill him! He's like a cockroach.

840. No, no, no! No, uh-oh! No. Fix the "uh-oh!"

841. No!

842. Should we be this low?

843. Come on, let's keep going.

844. Come on.

845. We just violated about 115 federal laws.

846. - "We"? - I'm getting out of here. Are you coming?

847. No.

848. No, no, no. I know things look bad—

849. Nice meeting you.

850. Get out of the truck, Shawn.

851. That's it, Tracy. You and I are through!

852. Tracy, wait!

853. Tracy!

854. That's the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.

855. How does it feel?

856. Well, I'm shaking, but that could be from the helicopter crash.

857. Get out of my truck, Tracy!

858. It's my truck, Shawn! I paid for it!

859. - And who is this? - Oh, I'm nobody.

860. - Yeah, you are nobody. - Yeah. Nobody.

861. You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of living.

862. You know what I'm—

863. Oh, Shawn, while you're here, do me a favor.

864. Charlene left a bra in the truck.

865. Can you make sure she gets it?

866. Thanks, honey.

867. Help!

868. So where's the driver?

869. He's in the powder room.

870. Hell's bells. We're never gonna get to Santa Fe by three o'clock.

871. - It's ridiculous! - Ridiculous.

872. I really wish he'd hurry.

873. It just seems very unprofessional.

874. Oh, mister, you gotta help me. My wife— She's—

875. She's out back. She's having a baby.

876. - She's having a what? - A baby!

877. - She's having a baby? - And it's halfway out!

878. - Ah. - I can see the head!

879. - I need your jacket. - Why?

880. For her amniotic sac!

881. - Oh. - Yeah, her amniotic fluid—

882. - It's all— It's gushing out. - Gushing?

883. - The jacket! The jacket! - Oh!

884. Give me the jacket. And your pants.

885. - My pants? - Your pants.

886. Yeah, for her, you know, her placenta.

887. You know, and her labia, and...

888. cervical...

889. And mucus gushing— It's gushing.

890. It's just a hole— It's—

891. - It's like... - Oh, oh, yeah.

892. - Quick, the pants! - Okay.

893. - And the hat. - Uh, my hat? Why? Why my hat?

894. Uh. For her, uh...

895. vagina.

896. Let's go, ladies. All aboard. We're on our way.

897. - What happened to Marty? - Uh, Marty? Family emergency.

898. His wife's having a baby.

899. - A baby? - Yes.

900. I'm Owen. I'm your new driver. Let's go.

901. Shh. Quiet.

902. Quiet, everybody. Simmer down.

903. We're going to be under way in just a minute.

904. This is Owen.

905. He's our new driver.

906. Everyone say hello.

907. Hello, Owen!

908. Our next stop is the Third Annual I Love Lucy Convention

909. in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

910. What do you say?

911. Ba-ba-loo!

912. - Is he dead? - Hey, mister, are you dead?

913. It's a race, it's a race, it's a race.

914. Run. Run, like greased lightning!

915. Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

916. Taxi!

917. Not good. Not good.

918. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

919. Don't move! Stay there! I saw the whole thing. I'll be right down.

920. Oh, shit! Gloria Allred.

921. Hey, buddy? Buddy, you okay? You okay?

922. You're fine! And you look great.

923. You don't want to report this, do you?

924. - Taxi! - You don't need a taxi. Come on.

925. Come on, uh, where are you going? Maybe I can drop you off.

926. Silver City, New Mexico. I am in a race.

927. - Silver City? - Mmm.

928. This is your lucky day.

929. - No. - I'm going to El Paso.

930. It's right on the way!

931. Come on. Oh, but, uh, look, I gotta be there by seven o'clock tonight,

932. so I'm gonna be driving very fast.

933. - Great! - Yeah!

934. You just want one copy,

935. 'cause you get an extra one for half price?

936. Just one. And hurry.

937. That's the best idea you ever had.

938. We split up, we take two keys, we double our chances of winning.

939. - It can't fail. - You remember where we're going?

940. Silver City, New Mexico.

941. Right. Train station locker 001.

942. Zero, zero, one.

943. Rule number one, discretion.

944. Don't talk to anybody.

945. - I won't, I promise. - I'm serious.

946. We're talking about two million dollars in cash.

947. People would just kill us to get their hands on that key.

948. I love you.

949. All right, little brother, you steal a car.

950. I'm gonna try to steal that Corvette right there.

951. I don't care what you get as long as it's fast.

952. I'll meet you in Silver City. Don't forget your key.

953. That mother-fucking bastard!

954. I'll kill him! I'm gonna—

955. There he is.

956. Go! Go! Go!

957. Okay. We're at 2.4 miles.

958. There's the yellow sign with the graffiti.

959. - Turn right. - I see it.

960. - You see it? - I see it.

961. Oh, I just love this! This is like a treasure hunt.

962. - Slow down! - I can't!

963. Help!

964. But I guess my favorite episode, if I had to pick a favorite,

965. would be episode 34.

966. Ladies! Lucys! Lucys!

967. Stay behind the line, please.

968. Remember that one when Ricky wouldn't take his hat off?

969. No, no, I don't remember that one. It sounds...

970. like a masterpiece.

971. How about the one where she got caught in the freezer?

972. Ma'am? Lucy!

973. You have to put that out, please.

974. Lucy, your hair!

975. Oh, thank you. You know, I couldn't decide

976. whether to keep it up...

977. - or try something new. - No. It's on fire!

978. - Stop the bus! - We're not stopping!

979. Just put it out! Just put it out!

980. - We're not stopping! - Stop!

981. The bathroom!

982. Two million dollars, two million dollars.

983. Two million dollars.

984. Two million dollars, two million dollars.

985. Two million dollars.

986. The Donald Sinclair, the billionaire?

987. It sounds crazy, I know. But I think it's on the level.

988. Look, here's the thing. We have to decide yes or no right now.

989. Look. Okay, we're here.

990. If everybody else had to drive the whole way,

991. I figure we still— We have a three-hour head start.

992. So, you're proposing—

993. We form a corporation. Faucet and Schaffer Inc.

994. If we win, we split everything 50-50.

995. Here. You can even hold the key.

996. What do you think?

997. I don't know what to think. I'm in shock.

998. Three hours ago, I was sitting in the airport.

999. I had a job. I was reading a book.

1000. My grandfather used to say, "Good things take time.

1001. Great things happen all at once."

1002. Jason, where did you get that?

1003. - I found it under the seat. - Wait—

1004. Jason, give it to me right now.

1005. - Come on. You can't play that. - Why not?

1006. Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.

1007. You're driving his car.

1008. Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth.

1009. I'm not sucking on the dashboard.

1010. I'm not getting his germs.

1011. Dad, look what I found.

1012. - Hey, where did you get those? - The floor.

1013. - Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler. - All right.

1014. - Take those off right now. - Hey, look at this.

1015. It's a lipstick, huh?

1016. Oh, it's dark.

1017. That Eva Braun had style, didn't she?

1018. Bev, she was Hitler's girlfriend.

1019. - Give us a kiss. - Oh! It's not funny. Give me that.

1020. - No, no, no. Come on. - Give me that.

1021. - Honey! - Oh. I got it all over my hand.

1022. Oh... Randy.

1023. - Chain, chain... - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

1024. Find out what it means to me Respect

1025. - Just a little bit... - Chain, chain, chain...

1026. - Just a little bit... - Chain, chain, chain—

1027. Just...

1028. Look at us go. We are zooming!

1029. I told you. We're hauling ass.

1030. We're hauling ass. All righty!

1031. Guess what I got back there.

1032. You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!

1033. No, no, no. That's just an expression.

1034. It's a heart.

1035. - A heart? - A human heart.

1036. Some lucky bastard in El Paso is waiting for it.

1037. Yeah, normally they put it on a plane, but, you know,

1038. the airport's all closed down, so...

1039. You want to see it?

1040. - See what? - Look.

1041. Are we allowed?

1042. We'll just take a peek. One peek. What could happen?

1043. It's a heart. It needs fresh air.

1044. It's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours.

1045. - It's, uh... Whoa! - Oh. Whoa.

1046. - Upsy-daisy. - Oh, shit! Oh, please!

1047. I get it. I get it.

1048. - Don't step on it! - Okay, I think I found it.

1049. No, that's a caramel apple.

1050. This is wrong.

1051. - This is so wrong. - Shh.

1052. God is going to smote us.

1053. - We're gonna get smote. - Shh.

1054. Come on. We're siphoning gas.

1055. - It's not a smoting offense. - What?

1056. It shouldn't be turning me on, should it?

1057. - Hey! - Hi.

1058. What are you doing?

1059. Seventeen cups of coffee.

1060. - I guess, uh... I guess that's it. - Oh.

1061. Whoa! Uh, I guess not.

1062. Whoa. How do you turn this thing off, huh?

1063. Son of a bitch!

1064. - Man! - Oh, damn it.

1065. - Damn it! - Keep going. Go! Go! Go!

1066. He's stopping.

1067. 'Cause he knows, don't mess with us.

1068. We gotta wait. There's too much wind.

1069. Guys! Guys! Guys! I need this balloon!

1070. Hey, hey. What are you doing?

1071. Hey, man! What—

1072. - That's— Hey, hey! - I know what I'm doing!

1073. - I'm coming to get you! - Move.

1074. - Get back here! - Oh, we got you now.

1075. I'm gonna get you, stupid hardware guy!

1076. - Go! Go! - Stand up.

1077. - We got you now. - Grab the rope!

1078. - We got you now. Higher. - I'm going to get you!

1079. - Stand up. Ready? Grab it. - Just go ahead.

1080. - You missed it! - Oh.

1081. Duane!

1082. - Duane, stop the car! - Hang on, buddy!

1083. Please! Please stop!

1084. - Duane! - I got it! I got it!

1085. Just hang on!

1086. Duane!

1087. - Stop it! - Blaine!

1088. - Blaine! - You're gonna kill...

1089. Blaine!

1090. I'm gonna die.

1091. Move!

1092. Watch out!

1093. Oh. Look, look, look.

1094. Shit.

1095. Duane! Help!

1096. Duane!

1097. No! Oh. Oh, God!

1098. Help!

1099. H— Hey.

1100. - Give me my key! - What are you talking about?

1101. - Give me back my key! - What key?

1102. Give me the key!

1103. Yes!

1104. No!

1105. Blaine! Blaine!

1106. - It's me! - Duane!

1107. Oh, my God!

1108. I got out of that thing!

1109. I got the key.

1110. How's it going, Captain?

1111. So far, so good.

1112. How about a pit stop?

1113. Sorry, this is a one-way flight.

1114. There's a bathroom in the back.

1115. The latch is broken.

1116. - Anybody could just come in. - So what?

1117. You ain't got nothing the other Lucys haven't seen already.

1118. Not necessarily.

1119. Please, would you stop screaming?

1120. Damn!

1121. Help me! For God's sake! Help me!

1122. Oh, shit!

1123. Owen!

1124. Owen, what are you doing?

1125. It's a flat tire. Please stay on the bus.

1126. Well, you're turning it the wrong way.

1127. I know what I'm doing. Please get on the bus.

1128. - Maybe we should check the oil. - Lucys. Wait, wait, wait!

1129. You're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12,000 miles.

1130. - I can fix it. - Give me that!

1131. Quick, somebody do the Heimlich maneuver!

1132. Wait! No, that's the spare!

1133. No!

1134. Hey. Ooh. Wait up!

1135. - Oh, no. - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

1136. Oh, no.

1137. We'll still catch it.

1138. Try it, try it!

1139. No, no, no. Turn it around. Turn— Just turn it around.

1140. Please be careful.

1141. Wait, wait, wait. What is that?

1142. It's a nickel.

1143. Would you please put it in the bag?

1144. Why— Why don't you check over there? Maybe it bounced.

1145. I'm a dead man!

1146. Don't worry, my friend. We will find the heart.

1147. I have lost my heart many times before.

1148. I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.

1149. I don't think it got this far.

1150. Let's check down by the road.

1151. Oh. Hello! A doggy! Hello! Hello!

1152. Hello there, little doggy.

1153. Well, isn't he a good doggy?

1154. Come on. Come on.

1155. Fetch. Fetch it.

1156. Look at him go.

1157. - Here, boy! - Doggy!

1158. Good boy! Get him!

1159. - Really is a beautiful car. - Yeah.

1160. - I mean, look at this mahogany. - Gorgeous.

1161. - You just don't see that anymore. - No.

1162. I wonder what this is.

1163. Honey, careful. That's a cigarette lighter.

1164. - I don't think they had those then. - Yes, they did.

1165. Oh, honey, did you burn yourself?

1166. - Yeah! Oh, God! - Oh, I told you.

1167. - No, no, no, sorry. - Oh.

1168. My husband, he burned his finger, ma'am.

1169. Yeah, he was cooling,

1170. - and then he was waving— - Bev, not helping.

1171. - Oh, oh. Sorry. - Not helping.

1172. - Hi. - Hi.

1173. I really like your dike— Bike.

1174. It's nice.

1175. Cut them off! Get in front!

1176. Oh, my—

1177. - Hey! What are you, nuts? - Get down!

1178. Kids, stay down! This thing won't go any faster!

1179. Stop it! The headlights! The headlight!

1180. Are you insane?

1181. This is Hitler's car!

1182. Oh! Why?

1183. Honey, go and ask them for help.

1184. Tell them everything that happened.

1185. And ask them to call the police and a tow truck!

1186. - Hello. - Hello.

1187. - Are you Harold? - Yes.

1188. I'm Vicky.

1189. Are you going to invite me in, Harry?

1190. Or would you rather party out here in the hallway?

1191. Please, come in.

1192. Not too shabby.

1193. - Where are you from, Harry? - From here.

1194. - Las Vegas. - Oh, local boy makes good.

1195. So, Harry, what can I do for you?

1196. Okay. Here's what I want.

1197. First, we both get naked.

1198. Mmm, so far so good.

1199. Only we're wearing sailor hats.

1200. - Hmm. - And then...

1201. we get into a Jacuzzi...

1202. filled with Pepto-Bismol.

1203. And...

1204. I cl— clip your toenails

1205. and you shave my buttocks.

1206. Pardon me?

1207. Okay. Um, naked, um, Jacuzzi,

1208. Pepto-Bismol, toenails,

1209. shave my buttocks.

1210. How much would that cost?

1211. Jeez!

1212. Honey, you have quite an imagination.

1213. How much would it cost?

1214. Well, let's see.

1215. A party like that...

1216. Three thousand dollars.

1217. Okay! Three thousand is the rate. Who had three thousand?

1218. Uh, Carlton had 2,800. He's the closest.

1219. Good for you.

1220. I— I— I— I think it's okay.

1221. What do you think?

1222. What? Oh. What about those little holes?

1223. - Are they bite marks? - No, no, no, no, no.

1224. No, that's...

1225. That's how it was. I'm— I'm— I'm pretty sure.

1226. What am I doing?

1227. I can't go to El Paso with this.

1228. Look at it! It's going to leak like a sieve.

1229. The guy's going to be alive for two minutes and then...

1230. A drifter.

1231. A drifter?

1232. We... We find a drifter...

1233. kill him, cut out his heart.

1234. Nobody's going to miss him, right? I mean, he's a drifter.

1235. He's an invisible man. It's a perfect plan.

1236. Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak out.

1237. Give me a second.

1238. Where— Where do I find a drifter?

1239. I mean, I'm in the... I don't have... That's...

1240. - Enrico. - Hmm.

1241. Where did you say you were from?

1242. Me? I am from Napoli.

1243. Oh. And— And, uh, and your family?

1244. They're— They're back there?

1245. No. No, my papa, he is dead.

1246. And my mama.

1247. All gone.

1248. A— Any family? Kids?

1249. No. No.

1250. I am completely alone.

1251. Why, uh... Why— Why do you...

1252. Look! A drifter. Let's kill him.

1253. Son of a— Come back here!

1254. What have I...

1255. Whatever! Listen, sugar. You're not going anywhere today.

1256. You've got a crack in your radiator.

1257. That's this big tank in front of this big engine.

1258. Yeah, I know what a radiator is.

1259. Okay. Is there a place we can rent a car?

1260. - Albuquerque. - Okay. Look, all right.

1261. We'll just have to patch it. A quick fix.

1262. Patch it? Patch it with what?

1263. Sand and tire sealant. You mix the two together,

1264. it forms an adhesive.

1265. It should last a couple of hours.

1266. - We only have 30 miles to go. - Yeah.

1267. Darling, uh, we don't have any sand.

1268. Hello! We're in the desert!

1269. We should have bought a squirrel.

1270. Mother of mercy!

1271. Where did you come from? Car trouble?

1272. Here. Sit down. You two look exhausted.

1273. How long have you been out there? Here. Have something to drink.

1274. Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press...

1275. What's going on?

1276. Oh, a bunch of rocket scientists from LA.

1277. They are trying to break the land speed record.

1278. which is a unique combination of automotive and aerodynamic innovation.

1279. The vehicle, which we call Lightning II, represents three years of R&D.

1280. Which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology.

1281. The design team was led by Professor Ken Friedman

1282. and Dr. Richard Kramer.

1283. We believe that, uh, aerodynamically,

1284. this is the most perfect vehicle ever designed.

1285. The entire vehicle weighs less than 1,850 pounds.

1286. The body is a one-piece Kevlar composite.

1287. The wheels are solid billet aluminum.

1288. And she's powered by twin JE-79 turbojet engines,

1289. the same engines that are in the F-4 Phantom jet.

1290. Are there any questions?

1291. Mr. Calvert, what is the current land speed record?

1292. That'd be 742 miles per hour,

1293. but we hope to have a new record today.

1294. Anyone else?

1295. - How do you start it? - Ah. Good question.

1296. There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel in the cockpit,

1297. which engages the primary thruster, igniting the JE—

1298. - Seven-forty, 745! - That's a record!

1299. They're gonna break the sound barrier!

1300. Well, that's it.

1301. - I still don't think she's going to hold. - What do we owe you?

1302. Five hundred bucks.

1303. - What? - For what?

1304. For two quarts of sealant?

1305. No way. That's 20 bucks, tops.

1306. Yeah. Okay. Here's $40, that's double what it's worth, okay?

1307. Come on, Nick. Let's go.

1308. Hold it.

1309. Another little tool no mechanic should be without.

1310. Oh, my... All right. Fine.

1311. Here you go. Here's your $500.

1312. But you know what, Billy Ray? What goes around, comes around.

1313. This is so unchristian!

1314. Unchristian?

1315. Well, if the good Lord don't like the way I conduct business,

1316. let him say something. Let him give me a sign.

1317. Oh, Lord! I'm here and I'm listening!

1318. Hello!

1319. - Mach one! - We did it! We did it!

1320. Hey, everybody okay? You all right? Yeah?

1321. Randy, you okay?

1322. There's no Ink Inc.

1323. - What? - There's no job. No.

1324. It's a race. We're racing.

1325. Donald Sinclair put two million dollars in a locker.

1326. And I want to get there first.

1327. I do not want to work at Home Depot!

1328. Okay, people. Back on the bus.

1329. George, don't eat that.

1330. Back on the bus. Come on. Back on the bus.

1331. Simon, put that down.

1332. You two. Back on the bus. Come on, everyone.

1333. We don't want to miss dinner. It's macaroni night.

1334. Come on.

1335. - We came in a rocket car. - Oh!

1336. A rocket car? Let's hear all about that on the bus.

1337. All right? So, we can still win,

1338. but we have to leave now. All right? So, come on!

1339. Dad... it's been a living hell.

1340. Bev, it's— it's two million dollars.

1341. That's a lifetime's supply of hummus.

1342. - Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'm— - Finally.

1343. I'm being selfish. I understand. I'm—

1344. I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1345. I'm sorry.

1346. Almost got us killed.

1347. Thank you.

1348. - Hi, everybody. Miss me? - Ah. Hey.

1349. Just to show there's no hard feelings, chocolate shakes all around!

1350. - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

1351. I'm a little disappointed, but I'm an adult.

1352. So, drink these up,

1353. and then we'll return the Nazi-mobile, we'll get that van fixed

1354. then we'll go back to Vegas and see David Copperfield.

1355. Yay! Okay. Drink up, buddy.

1356. - Is it good? - Hmm. Mm-hmm.

1357. Drink it up, honey.

1358. Oh, don't feel bad.

1359. It's not your fault. We'll tell the company.

1360. - We won't let them fire you. - No.

1361. - I'm no bus driver. - Don't say that.

1362. No, I'm not. I'm not a bus driver.

1363. Oh, you mustn't be so hard on yourself.

1364. Hey, everybody! Who's the world's greatest bus driver?

1365. Owen! Owen! Owen!

1366. Owen! Owen! Owen!

1367. - No, no, no, no, no. Listen. - Owen! Owen! Owen!

1368. Listen! No. Listen, listen.

1369. No! No! No! Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches! Shut up!

1370. Owen! Ow— Ooh!

1371. I am not a bus driver!

1372. I do not work for the bus company!

1373. All right, I— I— I needed a ride to New Mexico,

1374. so— so I stole this uniform.

1375. See this jacket? This is not my jacket!

1376. Remember Marty, the bus driver, huh?

1377. This is his shirt! I stole it!

1378. And these pants?

1379. Do you think I'd wear these pants? These aren't my pants!

1380. These are Marty's pants. I—

1381. I stole them.

1382. I am not... a bus driver!

1383. You're not a real bus driver?

1384. You lied to us!

1385. He ruined our whole vacation!

1386. Here they come.

1387. - They're all within 50 miles. - It's the final lap.

1388. Mr. Grisham!

1389. Now, the airport's back online.

1390. So, I want you to take the Learjet, scoot on down to Silver City

1391. and give us a play by play from the finish line.

1392. Yes, sir.

1393. Yes!

1394. Let's go back to Vegas.

1395. Oh, Bev, Bev, wake— Come on, wake up! Wake up! Bev.

1396. - Bev, wake up. Third Reich's here! - Huh.

1397. Come on, head down. You want to have a nice life. Okay.

1398. Okay, think! Think!

1399. SS in the parking lot! Not good! Not good! Think!

1400. Hi, honey.

1401. They're gonna be all right?

1402. Friend, uh, I don't—

1403. - I don't think there's room. - No. No.

1404. This one's little.

1405. - There it is! - Silver City!

1406. - We're almost there. - Yeah!

1407. - Go! - Whoo-hoo!

1408. I believe in miracles

1409. Where you from

1410. You sexy thing Sexy thing you

1411. I believe in miracles

1412. Since you came along

1413. You sexy thing...

1414. Where did you come from, baby?

1415. How did you know I needed you so badly?

1416. You sexy thing You sexy thing

1417. You sexy thing You sexy thing

1418. No. Slow down.

1419. No, uh.

1420. Oh, no!

1421. Where the fuck are we?

1422. Fuck that!

1423. There were two guys in there. Where did they go?

1424. - Hey! - Thanks for the truck, buddy!

1425. I think you...

1426. Yeah.

1427. Silver City. Next stop, Silver City.

1428. Silver City? It is the finish line.

1429. I made it! I made it!

1430. The key. Oh, where is the key?

1431. Where did that go? What have you—

1432. - Where is the key, my little baby? - Excuse me.

1433. I think I am touching it.

1434. - Yes, I am. - Get away from him!

1435. - I can feel it. I can feel it. - Hey!

1436. It's very small.

1437. I'm calling the conductor!

1438. I have it! I got— I got it!

1439. Wait! Wait! Come back! Don't leave me!

1440. Come on! Come on, baby!

1441. Giddyap!

1442. Come on, baby. Just one more mile.

1443. - Just one mile! Come on! - Come on.

1444. Randy?

1445. Uh, hey, honey. How did you sleep?

1446. - Pass. Pass him. - I can't. We're too big.

1447. There's Silver City. We're here. Move!

1448. - They've stopped. - No.

1449. They're moving. Look.

1450. - Go, Dad! - Come on, Dad!

1451. Go!

1452. I can smell it!

1453. Daisy, Daisy

1454. Give me your answer true

1455. - Hey! Hey! Stop the bus! - Stop the bus!

1456. Stop the bus! We got to get off!

1457. Whoa! Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know the rules.

1458. We're not crazy, lady.

1459. We should've bought a squirrel. We didn't buy a squirrel.

1460. Which is why we stole the rocket car.

1461. And we can still win.

1462. If you won't tell that driver to open the door,

1463. I'm gonna crush you like a cockroach in the night!

1464. Open the door! Tell him!

1465. Tell him!

1466. - Open the door. - Good girl.

1467. How you do it?

1468. It's Pollini.

1469. Enrico Pollini on a train.

1470. He just rolled into the station.

1471. Well, what do you know? Rip van Winkle pulled it off.

1472. You've got to love a long shot.

1473. Is here, is here, is here.

1474. - Here he comes. - It's you.

1475. - He's holding the key. - Oh. Uh. See.

1476. - You see. - And he's going to the locker.

1477. Mr. Pollini, well done, sir. And congratulations.

1478. On behalf of Mr. Donald Sinclair, the Venetian Hotel and Casino...

1479. Mr. Grisham, is it over?

1480. - Get out of the way! - Open it!

1481. He's sleeping!

1482. Did I win?

1483. What?

1484. Vicky, you let go of this bag or I swear, I swear to God,

1485. I'll report you to the escort service.

1486. Uh, Mr. Grisham, what's going on?

1487. The hooker! The hooker!

1488. The hooker is taking the money!

1489. Wh— What hooker?

1490. Vicky, from the hotel.

1491. Pepto-Bismol?

1492. Vicky, I told you to wait in the car!

1493. What the hell is she doing there?

1494. I brought her. I— I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair.

1495. She said she liked me.

1496. But I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!

1497. - Come with me. - I'll drive.

1498. So long, suckers! Whoo!

1499. The bus! The bus!

1500. - You want to steal a bus? - Yes, I do.

1501. Oh, my God, what have I done?

1502. Help! Somebody help me! Ahh!

1503. This thing has got a mind of its own!

1504. He's getting away. Go!

1505. - Finders keepers, pal. - That's mine!

1506. I see it! I see it! Relax!

1507. - Oh! No! - Oh, no!

1508. No!

1509. It means it's a scratch. Nobody wins.

1510. Bullshit! I'll tell you what it means. It means, we're going into extra innings.

1511. Carla, call the airport.

1512. Tell them to get my other Lear ready.

1513. Gordon, you stay here. Keep your eye on the board.

1514. Tell us where they're going.

1515. Gentlemen, grab your drinks. We're going to Silver City.

1516. - Is that it? - That's it.

1517. Thank the pilot. Tell him to level off.

1518. All right, who had Mr. Kamichi?

1519. It was me.

1520. Well done. Congratulations!

1521. Very good.

1522. - Keep going! - Come on!

1523. There it is. It's coming down. It's coming down right there.

1524. Oh, my God, I see it.

1525. - Oh, my God! - Where's my money?

1526. - Where is it? - There it is!

1527. - Go! - Get it!

1528. - Get it! Get it! - Grab that money!

1529. - Get it down! - Here we take it.

1530. Open it! Open it!

1531. Now, that is one hell of an entrance!

1532. Whoa! It's Smash Mouth!

1533. What's going on over here?

1534. What's this?

1535. - Money. - Jesus, how much is this?

1536. Two million dollars.

1537. Two— Two million...

1538. Two million dollars, everybody!

1539. Two million dollars!

1540. On the bus, we talked about it.

1541. And we decide to share all the money.

1542. They're gonna share all the money, everybody!

1543. Oh, man!

1544. Give these guys some jackets.

1545. Get these jack— Get these jackets over here.

1546. So, what's the story, man?

1547. You guys some kind of organization? What's going on?

1548. No, no. We— We just met this— this morning.

1549. They just met this morning, everybody!

1550. Oh, my God!

1551. I almost didn't come along, but, uh, then I— I met Tracy and...

1552. Well, great things happen all at once.

1553. Oh, this is beautiful, baby!

1554. This is beautiful! Oh!

1555. Great things happen. I don't know.

1556. Feed the Earth, baby. Feed the Earth.

1557. We're gonna go ahead and check the tote board right now

1558. and see where we're at. Okay?

1559. Come on, baby. Let it roll.

1560. Come on, baby.

1561. No!

1562. No, no, no!

1563. You don't understand.

1564. The money is going with us.

1565. Excuse me, we work for Feed the Earth.

1566. And these are some of our children.

1567. I don't know who you people are, or— or where you came from, but...

1568. God bless you.

1569. Tonight, you've given to these kids

1570. and their brothers and sisters all over the world

1571. more than money.

1572. You've given them back their faith.

1573. Their faith in the goodness of people.

1574. She said, "You are just like the 12 disciples."

1575. Thank you.

1576. Yeah.

1577. Yeah.

1578. Forget it!

1579. Look, all these other disciples can do whatever they want with their share.

1580. But this money is going home with us.

1581. - What? - Period. End of story.

1582. - Come on. - Put the money in the bag, carrot!

1583. You don't know me, man.

1584. Come here.

1585. It's you!

1586. I'm so proud of you. Giving away all your money?

1587. Come on.

1588. - Duane. - No, no. No.

1589. Mama is watching us from Heaven right now.

1590. What would she do?

1591. It's for starving children, Duane.

1592. Do it for Mom.

1593. Yeah!

1594. Whoo! Yeah!

1595. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, um...

1596. I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight's show.

1597. I can honestly say that none of us would be here tonight

1598. if it wasn't for this man.

1599. He's the man with the plan,

1600. - Mr. Donald Sinclair! - Whoo!

1601. - What? Hi. - One of the wealthiest men in the world!

1602. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald Sinclair!

1603. You are the man.

1604. Get a camera on him. There you go. Nice shot.

1605. - There he is. - Hi. Hello.

1606. These men, they didn't have to be here tonight.

1607. No, they could be off kicking back in the Riviera,

1608. or in Vegas blowing their money on some meaningless idiotic bet.

1609. They couldn't do that,

1610. not when there were children going to bed hungry every night.

1611. Isn't that right, fellas?

1612. Whatever.

1613. Mr. Donald Sinclair, and his partners

1614. want you, and the millions of people watching at home,

1615. to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight,

1616. dollar for dollar!

1617. - Dollar for dollar! - Dollar for dollar!

1618. A matching fund, everybody!

1619. Hey, let's hit the phones out there and crank it up

1620. because we're gonna feed the whole world tonight!

1621. Somebody once told me The world is gonna roll me

1622. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

1623. And she was looking kind of dumb

1624. With her finger and her thumb

1625. In the shape of an L

1626. On her forehead...

1627. Well, the years start coming And they don't stop coming

1628. Fed to the rules And I hit the ground running

1629. Didn't make sense Not to live for fun...

1630. Mommy!

1631. So much to do, so much to see

1632. So what's wrong With taking the back streets?

1633. You'll never know If you don't go

1634. You'll never shine If you don't glow

1635. Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play

1636. Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid

1637. All that glitters is gold

1638. Only shooting stars Break the mold

1639. It's a cool place And they say it gets colder

1640. You're bundled up now Wait till you get older

1641. But the meteor men Beg to differ

1642. Judging by the hole In the satellite picture

1643. The ice we skate Is getting pretty thin

1644. The water's getting warm So you might as well swim

1645. My world's on fire How about yours?

1646. And that's the way I like it And I'll never get bored

1647. Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play

1648. Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid

1649. All that glitters is gold

1650. Only shooting stars Break the mold

1651. Go for the moon

1652. Go, go, go, go, go Go for the moon

1653. Go for the moon

1654. Go, go, go, oh, yeah Go for the moon

1655. Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play

1656. Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid

1657. All that glitters is gold

1658. - Only shooting stars... - Whoo!

1659. Somebody once asked

1660. Could I spare some change for gas?

1661. I need to get myself away From this place...

1662. I said "Yep," what a concept

1663. I could use a little fuel myself

1664. And we could all use A little change

1665. Well, the years start coming...

1666. All right!

1667. Yeah!

1668. You'll never know If you don't go! Go!

1669. You'll never shine If you don't glow

1670. Hey now, you're an all-star...

1671. Yeah! Whoo!

1672. Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid

1673. All that glitters is gold

1674. Only shooting stars...

1675. All that glitters is gold

1676. Only shooting stars Break the mold

1677. Thank you! Good night!

1678. Well, I wake up in the morning Each and every day

1679. And I sit down at the table And I hear my daddy say

1680. Life is nothing It's a nothing

1681. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

1682. Life is nothing It's a nothing

1683. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

1684. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1685. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1686. Every night I have a dream That you're taking off your dress

1687. The only thing you're wearing Is a button on your chest

1688. And the button It says nothing

1689. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

1690. Life is nothing It's a nothing

1691. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

1692. What is life?

1693. What is life?

1694. - A rat race - A rat race

1695. What is life?

1696. What is life?

1697. - A rat race - A rat race

1698. - A rat race - A rat, rat race

1699. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1700. Oh, yeah, yeah

1701. It's a jungle out there And I know I don't belong

1702. So all night long I just sing my stupid song

1703. Get a body out in the rat In the race

1704. Get a body out in the rat In the race

1705. Get a body out in the rat...

1706. Jam to the sound of the storm

1707. Coming strictly from The B-A-H-A-M-A-S

1708. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1709. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1710. Life ain't nothing but a big rat race

1711. Life ain't nothing but a big rat race

1712. Life is nothing It's a nothing

1713. Life is nothing But a slap in the face

1714. Life is nothing It's a nothing

1715. Life is nothing But a fat rat race

1716. What is life?

1717. What is life?

1718. - A rat race - A rat race

1719. What is life?

1720. What is life?

1721. - A rat race - A rat, rat race

1722. - A rat race - A rat, rat race

1723. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1724. Oh, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah

1725. Oh, yeah, yeah

1726. Get a body out in the rat In the race

1727. Get a body out in the rat In the race

1728. Get a body out in the rat In the race

1729. Get a body out in the rat In the race