1. We are gathered here today
to immortalise in songCopy !req
2. the life and untimely
death of a great legend.Copy !req
3. - Rango.
- So sit back, relax,Copy !req
4. and enjoy your low-calorie
popcorn and assorted confectionsCopy !req
5. while we tell you the strange
and bewildering tale of a heroCopy !req
6. who has yet to enter his own story.Copy !req
7. Crunchy, creamy, cookie, candy, cupcake.Copy !req
8. Okay, everybody, let's
take it from the top.Copy !req
9. The stage is set, the night
moist with apprehension.Copy !req
10. Alone in her chamber, the princess
prepares to take her own life.Copy !req
11. "It is far better to nourish
worms than to live without love."Copy !req
12. She reaches for the poisoned chalice.Copy !req
13. Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio
plots his ascension to the throneCopy !req
14. while her ageing
father lies gravely ill.Copy !req
15. "Yes, I am gravely ill."Copy !req
16. "Hark, who goes there?"Copy !req
17. 'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero,Copy !req
18. returning to rescue his
emotionally unstable maiden!Copy !req
19. Unhand her, you jailers of virtue,Copy !req
20. or taste the bitter
sting of my vengeance!Copy !req
21. The sting of my...Copy !req
22. Dr Marx?Copy !req
23. Dr Marx, I'm not getting
anything from you.Copy !req
24. People, we've talked about
this. Acting is reacting.Copy !req
25. Victor, you were
wooden! There, I said it.Copy !req
26. Mr Timms? You were good.Copy !req
27. Perhaps a little too good.Copy !req
28. What's that, Victor? My character's
undefined? That's absurd.Copy !req
29. I know who I am. I'm the guy,
the protagonist, the hero.Copy !req
30. Every story needs a hero. I
mean, who else is better qualifiedCopy !req
31. to bask in the adulation
of his numerous companions?Copy !req
32. The stage is waiting.Copy !req
33. The audience thirsts for adventure.Copy !req
34. Who am I?Copy !req
35. I could be anyone.Copy !req
36. I could be the sea cap'n
returning from a mighty voyageCopy !req
37. to reclaim his mechanical arm!Copy !req
38. Or I could be the rogue anthropologist,
battling pythons down in the Congo!Copy !req
39. Down, Chongo, down!Copy !req
40. And if you desire romance,Copy !req
41. I will become the greatest
lover the world has ever known!Copy !req
42. I couldn't help but notice
you noticing me noticing you.Copy !req
43. You know, the womens find me
uncomfortably good looking.Copy !req
44. But you seem remarkably at ease.Copy !req
45. Stop it. No, really.Copy !req
46. Well, if you must. What are you doing?Copy !req
47. That tickles. Are those real?Copy !req
48. That's it! Conflict.Copy !req
49. Victor, you were right.
I have been undefined.Copy !req
50. People, I've had an epiphany.
The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!Copy !req
51. What our story needs is
an ironic, unexpected eventCopy !req
52. that will propel the hero into conflict!Copy !req
53. Mr Timms?Copy !req
54. That's right! You!Copy !req
55. Don't be shy. Come on.Copy !req
56. It's okay.Copy !req
57. That's it, a little closer.Copy !req
58. Good.Copy !req
59. I won't bite you.Copy !req
60. I need a little help here.Copy !req
61. Are you okay?Copy !req
62. I must get to the other side.Copy !req
63. The other side? You mean, just
now, that was you crossing the road?Copy !req
64. That's why the...Copy !req
65. Why'd you do that?Copy !req
66. This is my quest. He waits for me.Copy !req
67. What? Who?Copy !req
68. The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one.Copy !req
69. They say he rides an alabaster carriage
with golden guardians to protect him.Copy !req
70. What are you talking about?Copy !req
71. Enlightenment. We are
nothing without it.Copy !req
72. Nothing? Your delusional
quest just ruined my life!Copy !req
73. I had an incredibly complex
social network going!Copy !req
74. Highly sophisticated
friends! I was very popular!Copy !req
75. Friends? I don't see no friends.Copy !req
76. You are a very lonely lizard.Copy !req
77. Look, I need water, hydration.
My teeth are chapped.Copy !req
78. I need lotion. I'm down to
one layer of skin already.Copy !req
79. Pretty soon, I'm going to
start seeing my insides.Copy !req
80. Not unlike what you've got going there.Copy !req
81. Listen, I can't survive
in the desert, okay?Copy !req
82. I... I don't belong here.Copy !req
83. That may be true, but here you are.Copy !req
84. Now help me up and I will
help you find what you seek.Copy !req
85. - You will?
- And perhaps more.Copy !req
86. Quickly. I must get back to my quest.Copy !req
87. - You mean you've done this before?
- Yes. Many times.Copy !req
88. Come, come. That's it, pull my finger.Copy !req
89. The Spirit is waiting for me.Copy !req
90. Okay, okay.Copy !req
91. Okay. That's not going to work.Copy !req
92. I must get to the other side.Copy !req
93. Why don't you just wait until
there are no cars coming?Copy !req
94. It's not so easy as it looks.Copy !req
95. What?Copy !req
96. Is a metaphor.Copy !req
97. There's another one!Copy !req
98. I knew it.Copy !req
99. You need a little help, amigo?Copy !req
100. I think the metaphor broke my spleen.Copy !req
101. The path to knowledge is
fraught with consequence.Copy !req
102. I'm just looking for the path to water.Copy !req
103. If you want to find water,
you must first find Dirt.Copy !req
104. Dirt.Copy !req
105. Destiny, she is kind to you.Copy !req
106. Tomorrow is Wednesday. The water comes.Copy !req
107. At noon, the townspeople
gather for a mysterious ritual.Copy !req
108. A town? You mean, with real
people and everything? Where?Copy !req
109. A day's journey. Follow your shadow.Copy !req
110. You want me to just
walk out into the desert?Copy !req
111. That's the way.Copy !req
112. Okay. So you're sayingCopy !req
113. there's a town, a real
town, not a metaphor town.Copy !req
114. Go on. It's okay.Copy !req
115. Okay.Copy !req
116. Well, then, I'm going.Copy !req
117. I am leaving the road now!Copy !req
118. I'm walking into the desert!Copy !req
119. Alone!Copy !req
120. We all have our journeys to make!Copy !req
121. I will see you on the other side.Copy !req
122. Welcome, amigoCopy !req
123. To the land without endCopy !req
124. The desert and deathCopy !req
125. Are the closest of friendsCopy !req
126. We sing of his courageCopy !req
127. In magnificent songCopy !req
128. But pay close attentionCopy !req
129. He won't be here longCopy !req
130. As the birds pluck his eyes
The sun bleaches his bonesCopy !req
131. See his entrails get scattered
Watch him lose his cojonesCopy !req
132. Here in the Mojave Desert,Copy !req
133. animals have had millions of years
to adapt to the harsh environment.Copy !req
134. But the lizard? He is going to die.Copy !req
135. "Four score and seven
years ago, our fathers..."Copy !req
136. - Don't move.
- What?Copy !req
137. - Don't move!
- Not moving.Copy !req
138. Not moving.Copy !req
139. Try to blend in.Copy !req
140. Blend in? What do you mean?Copy !req
141. Blend in.Copy !req
142. What are you saying?Copy !req
143. - Too late.
- No, no. It's not too late!Copy !req
144. I'm blending! I'm a blender!Copy !req
145. Hey, calm down! What are you doing?Copy !req
146. Stop moving!Copy !req
147. Try not to look conspicuous.Copy !req
148. - What are you doing?
- I'm blending.Copy !req
149. - Go blend somewhere else.
- Don't distract me.Copy !req
150. - No room at the inn.
- It's an art, not a science.Copy !req
151. - Find your own hiding place.
- No, this is good.Copy !req
152. Here she comes!Copy !req
153. You better run, Mojito!Copy !req
154. - What? I thought you said, "Don't move."
- That was before. Now, you run.Copy !req
155. Oh, hey. Proboscis.Copy !req
156. Testy.Copy !req
157. Please, no, please. I have
vertigo! My glands are swelling!Copy !req
158. Please, no.Copy !req
159. You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard!Copy !req
160. Get out of there.
I'm going to strangle your huevos!Copy !req
161. Big bird! Big bird!Copy !req
162. No, wait! Come back!
I was just kidding!Copy !req
163. - Come on, we're friends, right?
- I don't know you!Copy !req
164. - Lizards, frogs...
- Find your own hiding place!Copy !req
165. - We're practically related!
- No room at the inn!Copy !req
166. - Come on, move over!
- You're not my friend!Copy !req
167. I'll let you kiss my sister!Copy !req
168. You son of a...Copy !req
169. Where are your friends now, amigo?Copy !req
170. Get your slimy-webbed
phalanges off my boots!Copy !req
171. Sorry.Copy !req
172. I got a bead on you, stranger.
So you get up real slowCopy !req
173. lessen you want to spend the better partCopy !req
174. of the afternoon putting
your face back together!Copy !req
175. - No, ma'am, I don't.
- Who are you?Copy !req
176. - Who am I?
- I'm asking the questions here!Copy !req
177. Our town is drying up. We're
in the middle of a drought.Copy !req
178. Now someone's dumping
water in the desert!Copy !req
179. It's a puzzle of undeterminable
size and dimension,Copy !req
180. but I intend to find out what
role you playing in all this.Copy !req
181. - Role?
- What are you involved in?Copy !req
182. Well, I'm glad you asked.Copy !req
183. I've got two one-acts, a mystery
and a musical I've been gestating.Copy !req
184. I got the words, I'm just working on
the melody right now. It's like a...Copy !req
185. I think it's gonna be a western.Copy !req
186. A monkey got a cracker
His mother was a slapperCopy !req
187. She'll be coming 'round
the mountain in the rainCopy !req
188. You ain't from around here, are you?Copy !req
189. I'm still working on it.Copy !req
190. So, what's your name?Copy !req
191. - Beans.
- That's a funny kind of name.Copy !req
192. What can I say? My daddy
plumb loved baked beans.Copy !req
193. Well, you're lucky he
didn't plumb love asparagus.Copy !req
194. What are you saying?Copy !req
195. I mean, I enjoy a
hearty puttanesca myself,Copy !req
196. but I'm not sure that a child
would appreciate the moniker.Copy !req
197. My daddy was a great man, even if he
did exhibit a proclivity for legumes.Copy !req
198. - Spicy.
- You're eating his ashes!Copy !req
199. You carry his remains?Copy !req
200. No, his ashes. He loved to
smoke. They never found the body.Copy !req
201. Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.Copy !req
202. - What are you implying?
- Nothing.Copy !req
203. My daddy was never near that mine shaft.Copy !req
204. He'd been sober for over a month!Copy !req
205. And for you to insinuate that he would
abandon his parental responsibilitiesCopy !req
206. at a delicate time in my personal
development is an affront to my sense...Copy !req
207. Miss Beans?Copy !req
208. Miss Beans? Hello?Copy !req
209. Hello?Copy !req
210. And until the people of Andromeda FiveCopy !req
211. return him safe and sound,
I will not sell my ranch!Copy !req
212. - What... What are you doing?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
213. - What am I doing?
- You're cuddling me.Copy !req
214. - You were frozen.
- I was not.Copy !req
215. Yes, you were. You stopped talking.Copy !req
216. It's a defence mechanism.
Actually, lots of lizards have it.Copy !req
217. You're making that up.Copy !req
218. So, you gonna die out here,
or you want a ride into town?Copy !req
219. No, no, no. Yeah. No. Yes,
please. Thank you. Sorry.Copy !req
220. Today's Wednesday. Wednesday's
when we all get to it.Copy !req
221. So who are you, really?Copy !req
222. Well, I'm a man of many epithets.Copy !req
223. There's my stage name,
my pen name, my avatar.Copy !req
224. I had a pseudonym once,
but I had it legally changed.Copy !req
225. And so the stranger,
seeking companionship,Copy !req
226. finds the woman, much like
the sirens of ancient timesCopy !req
227. luring him to his certain demise.Copy !req
228. nom de plume, I have a CB handle.Copy !req
229. I'm actually one of the
few men with a maiden name.Copy !req
230. Well, here we are.Copy !req
231. Right.Copy !req
232. Well, I sure do appreciate
this, Miss Beans,Copy !req
233. - and if there's ever anything that I...
- Get on up!Copy !req
234. Okay, then!Copy !req
235. See you, Beans.Copy !req
236. You heading out, Jim?Copy !req
237. Well, we gave it our best
shot. We had to sell out.Copy !req
238. Can't grow no crops without no water.Copy !req
239. Bye, now!Copy !req
240. What is it?Copy !req
241. What was that for?Copy !req
242. You're funny looking.Copy !req
243. Oh, yeah? Well, you're
funny looking, too.Copy !req
244. - That's a funny-looking shirt.
- That's a funny-looking dress.Copy !req
245. - You got funny-looking eyes!
- You got a funny-looking face!Copy !req
246. You're a stranger. Strangers
don't last long here.Copy !req
247. Here's your beans, Beans.Copy !req
248. I'm gonna need some
more feed, too, Willie.Copy !req
249. Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts
already. I can't give you more credit.Copy !req
250. But I'll have what I owe you at noon.Copy !req
251. You don't understand. It's Mr Merrimack
down at the bank. He cut off all credit.Copy !req
252. Hey, Beans! Beans!Copy !req
253. You know that there fella?Copy !req
254. Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!Copy !req
255. Nope.Copy !req
256. Hey, Beans!Copy !req
257. Hey.Copy !req
258. Right. Blend in. Yeah, blend in.Copy !req
259. I'd like a glass of water.Copy !req
260. He wants a glass of water!Copy !req
261. Make it a double!Copy !req
262. Give him the spittoon!Copy !req
263. Cactus juice. That's what we got.Copy !req
264. Hey, there, fruit cup.Copy !req
265. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?Copy !req
266. Who exactly are you?Copy !req
267. Who am I?Copy !req
268. I could be anyone.Copy !req
269. What's the matter?Copy !req
270. You missing your mommy's mangos?Copy !req
271. As a matter of fact, I am.Copy !req
272. But not as much as
your daddy's cooking!Copy !req
273. Exactly where
did you say you were from?Copy !req
274. Me? I'm from the West.Copy !req
275. Out there, beyond the horizon.Copy !req
276. Past the sunset.Copy !req
277. The Far West.Copy !req
278. Yeah, that's right, hombres.Copy !req
279. The place I come from,
we kill a man before breakfastCopy !req
280. just to work up an appetite.Copy !req
281. Then we salt him,
and we pepper him.Copy !req
282. Then we braise him
in clarified butter.Copy !req
283. And then we eat him.Copy !req
284. - You eat him?
- That's what I said!Copy !req
285. Hell, I seen things make a grown man
lose control of his glandular functions!Copy !req
286. You spend three days
in a horse carcass,Copy !req
287. living off your own juices.Copy !req
288. It'll change a man. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
289. Had a few extra aces in this deck,
gents. Just the way I like it.Copy !req
290. So, no,
my hirsute little rodent friend,Copy !req
291. I am not from
around these parts.Copy !req
292. You might say I'm from
everywhere there's trouble brewingCopy !req
293. and hell waiting to be raised.Copy !req
294. You might say I'm what
hell's already raised up.Copy !req
295. Name'sCopy !req
296. Rango.Copy !req
297. Are you the fella that
killed them Jenkins brothers?Copy !req
298. Killed them with one bullet.Copy !req
299. Don't get no deader.Copy !req
300. All seven of them?Copy !req
301. That's right.Copy !req
302. All seven of them.Copy !req
303. Exactly how you do that, Mr Rango?Copy !req
304. You know, I'm glad you asked me that.Copy !req
305. And I will be happy to tell you how.
But you're all gonna have to listen up!Copy !req
306. Because this is where it getsCopy !req
307. complicated.Copy !req
308. That'll close out your account,
Mrs Oats, two gulps and a swig.Copy !req
309. Hands off, Mordecai!Copy !req
310. That's what's left of
your college education!Copy !req
311. I don't rightly have
no other choice, Beans.Copy !req
312. Times being so hard, we just
can't give no more credit.Copy !req
313. But this here is a bank. This
is where you keep the water.Copy !req
314. Beans, you've been like a niece
to me ever since your daddyCopy !req
315. did not fall drunk down a mine shaft.Copy !req
316. I've tried to protect you and
others from certain realities.Copy !req
317. But that... Well...Copy !req
318. - Mr Merrimack?
- Realities are bearing down.Copy !req
319. Mr Merrimack!Copy !req
320. Are you all right?Copy !req
321. Beans, I need to show you something.Copy !req
322. - That's all that's left?
- And this here is the reserve!Copy !req
323. I don't know if you've noticed,Copy !req
324. but folks just ain't making
deposits on a Wednesday no more!Copy !req
325. Mr Merrimack, if I don't get some
water, I'm gonna lose my ranchCopy !req
326. and you're telling me that's all
that's left in the whole town?Copy !req
327. Now that just don't make
no sense. Now, listen.Copy !req
328. Someone is dumping water in the desert.Copy !req
329. I seen it with my own eyes.Copy !req
330. Water in the desert?Copy !req
331. Was this during one
of your special times?Copy !req
332. No.Copy !req
333. Well, we can all dream,
but this is the reality.Copy !req
334. Why do you think so many people are
selling out? They just can't make it.Copy !req
335. Well, what am I supposed to do?Copy !req
336. Well, I suppose we
could talk to the Mayor.Copy !req
337. I hear he's been helping people
out in this time of crisis.Copy !req
338. The Mayor?Copy !req
339. He may be our only hope.Copy !req
340. Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets
back towards number three,Copy !req
341. and that's when the roof caved in,Copy !req
342. igniting the thermos
of pure grain alcoholCopy !req
343. instantly vapourising his bodily form,
leaving nothing but a charcoal statueCopy !req
344. and a high-pitched squeal.Copy !req
345. Hold on, there. That's only six.
What happened to number seven?Copy !req
346. Number seven?Copy !req
347. Hell, he died of infection.Copy !req
348. - Seven men!
- One bullet!Copy !req
349. Drinks all around!Copy !req
350. Dance for me, Sod Buster!Copy !req
351. - Yes, dance like a chicken!
- That's right! Dance!Copy !req
352. You got corn in your ears, mate?Copy !req
353. You don't pay the mortgage,
you don't own the land!Copy !req
354. - That's basic real estate law, my friend.
- Quid pro quo!Copy !req
355. If I see your face in this town again,Copy !req
356. I'm gonna slice it off and use
it to wipe my unmentionables.Copy !req
357. Mind the beak.Copy !req
358. And don't come back!Copy !req
359. What are you all gawping at?Copy !req
360. Hey, Bad Bill, there's
something I got to tell you!Copy !req
361. What is this?Copy !req
362. You know who that is,
Bill? That there's Rango!Copy !req
363. Yeah, he ain't afraid of you!
He ain't afraid of none of you.Copy !req
364. Killed them Jenkins brothers.Copy !req
365. - Done it with one bullet, Bill.
- All seven of them!Copy !req
366. Is that right?Copy !req
367. Let me get that before you...Copy !req
368. No. Oh, I know. Here.Copy !req
369. Just take care of that for you.Copy !req
370. There. All better.Copy !req
371. T.O. T.O. Just a second.Copy !req
372. All right, now listen!Copy !req
373. I'm going to give you fellas
one last chance to reconsider!Copy !req
374. And if you don't want to reconsiderCopy !req
375. I might consider reconsidering myself.Copy !req
376. Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.Copy !req
377. All right, now listen up!Copy !req
378. Things are going to be different
around here now that Rango's in town.Copy !req
379. Got some new rules! I want
my shoes shined every morning,Copy !req
380. my coffee hot, Danish on the side.Copy !req
381. Whatever you do, don't
look me in the eye.Copy !req
382. Stay out of my peripheral vision!Copy !req
383. - It's Rango.
- What's he up to?Copy !req
384. He ain't afraid of nobody. He's
telling that bird what's for!Copy !req
385. And when you see me coming, stand aside.Copy !req
386. I take large steps and I
don't want none of you hayseedsCopy !req
387. getting your bodily fluids on my boots!Copy !req
388. Of course, there is
no need for violence,Copy !req
389. as long as we stick
together, work as a team.Copy !req
390. So I want you all to come outside
now and line up single fileCopy !req
391. while I take a brief intermission!Copy !req
392. What's he doing now?Copy !req
393. I think it's a number two.Copy !req
394. Never mind.Copy !req
395. Take a look-see over here!Copy !req
396. Well, look at him now!Copy !req
397. He's chasing after that hawk!Copy !req
398. Give him hell, Rango!Copy !req
399. - Did you see that?
- He killed that thing!Copy !req
400. What do you think, Doc?Copy !req
401. This hawk is dead!Copy !req
402. Shoot, I say we cook that right up.Copy !req
403. He did it with one bullet!Copy !req
404. Just like he said!Copy !req
405. It's about time we
had a hero around here.Copy !req
406. One who ain't in a pine box.Copy !req
407. I think it's time he met the Mayor.Copy !req
408. You hear that, Rango? You're
going to meet the Mayor!Copy !req
409. Let's hear it for Rango!Copy !req
410. And so the stranger basksCopy !req
411. in the adulation of his new friends,Copy !req
412. sinking deeper into the
guacamole of his own deception.Copy !req
413. When is he going to die?Copy !req
414. Soon, compadre. Soon.Copy !req
415. My land is not for sale!Copy !req
416. I came here to save
my land, not sell it!Copy !req
417. I'm sure there's something reasonable
we can work out if you just talk to him!Copy !req
418. Beans! Where are you going? Beans?Copy !req
419. The Mayor will see you now.Copy !req
420. Water, Mr Rango, water.Copy !req
421. Without it, there's
nothing but dust and decay.Copy !req
422. But with water there's life.Copy !req
423. Look at them, so desperate to
live, they'll follow it anywhere.Copy !req
424. That's the immutable law of the desert.Copy !req
425. Control the water and
you control everything.Copy !req
426. But I don't have to tell you that being
a true man of the West, as you are.Copy !req
427. Oh, yeah. The West is the best.Copy !req
428. This is from my private stock.Copy !req
429. Vintage rainwater from the Great Deluge.Copy !req
430. Not Noah's deluge. Good
heavens, I'm not that old.Copy !req
431. I guess power has its privileges.Copy !req
432. You make a good point, son.Copy !req
433. But with privilege comes responsibility.Copy !req
434. Hell, I was mayor here
before there was a Dirt!Copy !req
435. And I may be just a
sentimental old turtleCopy !req
436. but I think there's a future for this
town. And I hope you'll be part of it.Copy !req
437. - To Dirt!
- To Dirt.Copy !req
438. You see them, Mr Rango? All
my friends and neighbours?Copy !req
439. It's a hard life here. Very hard.Copy !req
440. Do you know how they make it
through each and every day?Copy !req
441. They believe.Copy !req
442. They believe it's going to be better.Copy !req
443. They believe that the water will come.Copy !req
444. They believe against
all odds and all evidenceCopy !req
445. that tomorrow will be better than today.Copy !req
446. People have to believe in something.Copy !req
447. Right now, they believe in you.Copy !req
448. Pick it up, Mr Rango.
Your destiny awaits.Copy !req
449. People have to believe in something.Copy !req
450. It's almost noon. Is everything ready?Copy !req
451. Yeah. But he might be a problem.Copy !req
452. He's not a problem,
William. He's a solution.Copy !req
453. It just don't make no sense.Copy !req
454. This whole town is drying up,Copy !req
455. and the Mayor is the only one
who don't seem to be affected.Copy !req
456. Doesn't that make you
just a wee bit suspicious?Copy !req
457. And what about that water
I saw out in the desert?Copy !req
458. All right! No need to incite
anxiety. I'll inquire about the Mayor.Copy !req
459. But if you really feel there's
some conspiracy occurring,Copy !req
460. I suggest you take it
up with the new sheriff.Copy !req
461. This is going to be good.
Hey! Watch that needle there.Copy !req
462. Not too tight. I want to
leave room for some pucker!Copy !req
463. That's good.Copy !req
464. Oh, easy there, tiger.Copy !req
465. - A little up and back?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
466. Have you got French cuffs with that?Copy !req
467. Excuse me, Sheriff Rango.
I want to talk to you.Copy !req
468. Hey, Beans, what do you
think of the new duds?Copy !req
469. I got a 10-gallon hat
marked down from 15.Copy !req
470. - That's nice.
- Have you met Angelique?Copy !req
471. - Hello, Beans.
- Hello, Angelique.Copy !req
472. - Tart.
- Floozy.Copy !req
473. - Trollop.
- Excuse me, Mr Rango.Copy !req
474. I will blow that ugly
right off your face!Copy !req
475. I was just thinking that...Copy !req
476. You want the old John Hancock, do you?Copy !req
477. - Well, here. Hold this.
- Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.Copy !req
478. There's a bullet in there.Copy !req
479. I know about the shindig this afternoon.Copy !req
480. - I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
- Sheriff, I'd like to file a...Copy !req
481. - Mr Rango!
- Oh, you, too? No problem.Copy !req
482. - Here, let me just...
- I need you to investigate...Copy !req
483. You know, Beans, I bet you clean up real
nice, you put a little effort into it.Copy !req
484. - What?
- Now, remember, son,Copy !req
485. stay in school, eat your veggies,
burn everything but Shakespeare.Copy !req
486. - Who's Shakespeare?
- Sheriff Rango,Copy !req
487. if that is your real name.Copy !req
488. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch,Copy !req
489. which is on the verge of
an agricultural meltdownCopy !req
490. while you're playing patty-cake
with this here trollop!Copy !req
491. Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.Copy !req
492. Why does she do that?Copy !req
493. - It's a survival reflex.
- Her switch is just broken.Copy !req
494. Well, that's an inconvenience.Copy !req
495. It is not a rash! It is a birthmark!Copy !req
496. I did it again, didn't I?Copy !req
497. Did what?Copy !req
498. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
499. Did anybody here mention what
happened to our last sheriff?Copy !req
500. Pardon, but may I ask you...
Excuse me, may I ask you...Copy !req
501. The last sheriff... Pardon
me. Where is everybody going?Copy !req
502. What exactly happened to the...Copy !req
503. All dayCopy !req
504. I've faced the barren wasteCopy !req
505. Without the taste of waterCopy !req
506. Cool waterCopy !req
507. Old Dan and ICopy !req
508. With throats burned dryCopy !req
509. And souls that cryCopy !req
510. For waterCopy !req
511. CoolCopy !req
512. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
513. Clear waterCopy !req
514. This is a heck of a
hoedown you got going.Copy !req
515. Still working out those steps.Copy !req
516. So, is this considered
normal civic behaviour?Copy !req
517. Every Wednesday, just like clockwork.Copy !req
518. You kill bird.Copy !req
519. Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.Copy !req
520. Bird dead. Snake come.Copy !req
521. Snake?Copy !req
522. He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr Rango.Copy !req
523. He never comes to town 'cause
he's scared of that hawk.Copy !req
524. But he might come now.Copy !req
525. Can I have your boots when you're dead?Copy !req
526. No!Copy !req
527. And I ain't got no problem
with this Rattlesnake Jake.Copy !req
528. That's just what Amos said.Copy !req
529. Amos?Copy !req
530. You got any gold fillings?Copy !req
531. My fellow Dirtonians.Copy !req
532. I welcome you to our great
day of deliverance. Hallelujah.Copy !req
533. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
534. Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!Copy !req
535. We have a newcomer amongst
us today, my friends.Copy !req
536. A man I think needs
little introduction to youCopy !req
537. so bold has been his entry
into our fair society.Copy !req
538. Mr Rango, would you step forward?Copy !req
539. The time has come, my friends.
The time that was foretold!Copy !req
540. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
541. The sacred time!Copy !req
542. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
543. The time of destiny!Copy !req
544. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
545. The time of deliverance!Copy !req
546. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
547. It is the time of hydration!Copy !req
548. - It's his fault!
- It's the newcomer!Copy !req
549. - Burn him!
- He's a witch!Copy !req
550. I get his boots!Copy !req
551. My friends, my friends!
Temper your frustrations.Copy !req
552. Times will be tough from now on.
Sacrifices will have to be made.Copy !req
553. But if I can help in any way,
please know that my door is always...Copy !req
554. Hold it, hold it!Copy !req
555. Now, this whole thing
stinks three ways to Sunday.Copy !req
556. First the bank's run dry
and now this here spigot?Copy !req
557. The bank's run dry?Copy !req
558. - What's she talking about?
- She said there's no water in the bank!Copy !req
559. This is all we have! We
can't give it all out!Copy !req
560. That was my rehydration account!Copy !req
561. None of that civil disobedience
in my town, thank you very much.Copy !req
562. Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff.
Things were getting out of hand.Copy !req
563. Come right in.Copy !req
564. Let me have a gander at the source
of the societal discontentment here.Copy !req
565. Mercy.Copy !req
566. All right, listen up! I've been thinkingCopy !req
567. and I believe I've
figured something out.Copy !req
568. You folks have a water problem!Copy !req
569. Now just pay attention, everybody.
I'm trying to make a point here.Copy !req
570. Let's say this fella here
were to take a drink of water.Copy !req
571. Just one little drink.
No harm, no foul, right?Copy !req
572. And you!Copy !req
573. You're just as dried up and
parched as a jackrabbit in July.Copy !req
574. So you belly on up and
take you a double shot!Copy !req
575. Stay with me.Copy !req
576. What do you think happens
then? Why we'd all be drinking!Copy !req
577. And before you know it, there
wouldn't be any more water.Copy !req
578. And then where would we be?Copy !req
579. We'd be thirsty.Copy !req
580. Real thirsty.Copy !req
581. We'd turn on each other
like a bunch of animals!Copy !req
582. Now look here. We have
got six days of water.Copy !req
583. We have got five days...Copy !req
584. As long as we've got water,
we've got ourselves a town.Copy !req
585. Sheriff Rango is right.Copy !req
586. As long as we have this
water, we have some hope.Copy !req
587. And you can all take it from me.Copy !req
588. My 100% full-time
employment from this moment onCopy !req
589. will be to protect our
precious natural resource.Copy !req
590. Ain't no one gonna tango with the Rango.Copy !req
591. Evening, ladies.Copy !req
592. Evening, Sheriff.Copy !req
593. And don't you come back!Copy !req
594. Hold on there, Gordy. You get back
in there and you assert yourself,Copy !req
595. and I think you'll find the people of this
here town to be surprisingly hospitable.Copy !req
596. Thank you, Sheriff.Copy !req
597. What? Not you again!Copy !req
598. I stand corrected.Copy !req
599. - This ain't the bank.
- I told you, Jedidiah!Copy !req
600. Hold it right there!Copy !req
601. - Who's that?
- It's the Sheriff!Copy !req
602. Get them hands up where I can see them!Copy !req
603. Just as I suspected.Copy !req
604. Prospecting without the authorised
equipment. Don't move a muscle.Copy !req
605. Prospecting?Copy !req
606. Now, you got your shovel,
pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah,Copy !req
607. assorted snacks, some puzzle books
and you're gonna need a permit.Copy !req
608. - Loofah.
- Ezekiel, Jedidiah!Copy !req
609. What the Sam Hill's going on up there?Copy !req
610. I've had polyps removed
smarter than the two of you!Copy !req
611. Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!Copy !req
612. Pappy, the Sheriff is standing
right here, helping us out.Copy !req
613. Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.Copy !req
614. That's right, sir. Just doing my duty.Copy !req
615. The lonely constable on his rounds,Copy !req
616. keeping an eagle eye out
for mayhem and malfeasance.Copy !req
617. Does he look like he sounds?Copy !req
618. Well, Sheriff, if we was
to hit the mother lode,Copy !req
619. being prospectors and such,Copy !req
620. where would we deposit said annuity?Copy !req
621. Here in the town of
Dirt, we happen to haveCopy !req
622. the finest financial institution
this side of the Missouri.Copy !req
623. Protected morning, noon
and night by yours truly.Copy !req
624. Much obliged.Copy !req
625. The bank's been robbed!
The bank's been robbed!Copy !req
626. Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!Copy !req
627. What's going on?Copy !req
628. - It's gone! The water's all gone!
- What'd he say?Copy !req
629. He said the bank's been robbed!Copy !req
630. Dr Marx! I'm on fire! Embrace me!Copy !req
631. The bank's been robbed, the town is dry
"We'll die of thirst," the people cryCopy !req
632. He promised to protect the vault
The water's gone, it's all his faultCopy !req
633. All right, folks, stand
back, clear the area.Copy !req
634. This is a crime scene now.Copy !req
635. Secure the perimeter,
dust for prints,Copy !req
636. check for fibres,
scan for DNA.Copy !req
637. I want a urine sample
from everyone.Copy !req
638. And get me a latte.Copy !req
639. And don't mix up the two.Copy !req
640. What's this?Copy !req
641. "Prospecting Permit."Copy !req
642. I'll take that. Material evidence.Copy !req
643. What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?Copy !req
644. - We need that water.
- We're all going to die!Copy !req
645. My friends, we all know
what we have to do now.Copy !req
646. That's right. We all know
what we have to do now.Copy !req
647. - And that would be?
- Form a posse.Copy !req
648. Form a possum!Copy !req
649. A posse.Copy !req
650. Now, we're gonna be doing
this in an orderly fashion.Copy !req
651. First off, does anybody here know
how to use a firearm of any kind?Copy !req
652. All right, then.Copy !req
653. What do we do now, Sheriff?Copy !req
654. Now we ride!Copy !req
655. Where are we going?Copy !req
656. What?Copy !req
657. Where are we going?Copy !req
658. Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge
of all tracking and finding of villains,Copy !req
659. utilising your well-developed
Injun-uity, no offence taken.Copy !req
660. So which way
do you think they went?Copy !req
661. You want to sniff the air or
commune with a buffalo or something?Copy !req
662. Oh, you're good.Copy !req
663. I'm depending on you, Spoons.Copy !req
664. You got a little tobaccy
in the beard there.Copy !req
665. Always good to have a
medical man along, Doc.Copy !req
666. Reptiles got to stick
together, right, my brother?Copy !req
667. I'm an amphibian.Copy !req
668. Ain't no shame in that.Copy !req
669. You sure you're fit
for duty there, soldier?Copy !req
670. Well, you got a little
something in your eye there.Copy !req
671. Oh, that? That there's
conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.Copy !req
672. Well, I'm glad to hear
it's not contagious.Copy !req
673. Now, just wait a cotton-picking
minute! A posse ain't no place for a...Copy !req
674. Never mind.Copy !req
675. Hold on there, little sister.Copy !req
676. Someone's gonna have to look
after the town while I'm gone.Copy !req
677. Can I gut-shoot someone?Copy !req
678. Let's put a pin in that.Copy !req
679. Sheriff, you're going to bring
that water back, aren't you?Copy !req
680. Count on it, little sister.Copy !req
681. - Which way do we go, Sheriff?
- There's tunnels everywhere.Copy !req
682. Whole town's perforated with them.Copy !req
683. She got more holes in her than
a painted lady on a porcupine.Copy !req
684. Hey, my daddy took me to her place.Copy !req
685. Not what I expected.Copy !req
686. How'd them fellers
find the bank, anyway?Copy !req
687. Gentlemen, if we can
just stay on task here.Copy !req
688. Sheriff! Over here!Copy !req
689. - Would you look at that?
- Like seeing the face of God.Copy !req
690. Amen, brother.Copy !req
691. I remember when it used
to flow every Wednesday.Copy !req
692. Those were the halcyon days.Copy !req
693. Must be a reason she quit on us.Copy !req
694. Whatever the reason, something
is controlling this here water.Copy !req
695. What do you say, Sheriff?Copy !req
696. Clearly, the robbers
came from this direction.Copy !req
697. I say we track this pipe
back to its hydraulic originCopy !req
698. and apprehend the culprits
behind this aquatic conundrum.Copy !req
699. - What'd he say?
- I think he said follow the pipe.Copy !req
700. - He said follow the pipe.
- He said follow the pipe.Copy !req
701. Sure is humid down here.Copy !req
702. Yeah, it's activating my piles.Copy !req
703. I had a goitre removed once.Copy !req
704. Looked like Tony Bennett
stepping out of the shower.Copy !req
705. Shoot, I put that on a tortilla.Copy !req
706. Whatever you do, do not look down.Copy !req
707. - What is this place?
- It's an aquifer.Copy !req
708. What's an aquifer?Copy !req
709. Well, it's for aqua.Copy !req
710. Well, it's empty now.Copy !req
711. That's a big one.Copy !req
712. - It's the end of the line.
- Don't go no further.Copy !req
713. Well, now that there is a pipe. It's
got to be connected to something.Copy !req
714. You talk too much. Why
don't you put a cork in it?Copy !req
715. Why don't you put a cork... Tell
you where the sun don't shine.Copy !req
716. Your mama did. I'll cook her right up.Copy !req
717. You two just don't get it, do you?Copy !req
718. Someone or something is
messing with our hydrationCopy !req
719. and that pipe has got
something to do with it.Copy !req
720. I thought we was following bank robbers!Copy !req
721. We're experiencing a paradigm shift.Copy !req
722. I'm gonna shift the features on
your face if you don't shut up!Copy !req
723. Go ahead and try!Copy !req
724. Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling.
You're affecting my cogitation.Copy !req
725. I got it. Snuff out them torches.Copy !req
726. Sure enough.Copy !req
727. Smart thinking there, feller.Copy !req
728. - Start climbing.
- Get your foot out of my face!Copy !req
729. Not bad, huh, Beans?Copy !req
730. You keep thinking like that,
your hat's gonna catch on fire.Copy !req
731. Well, you know, you get
on a roll, you just...Copy !req
732. Hot, hot! Burn.Copy !req
733. Poor things. All they
wanted was a little water.Copy !req
734. Cactus dying of thirst.
It don't bode well.Copy !req
735. - Hey, look what I found!
- What you got there?Copy !req
736. - I saw that first!
- Hey, that's mine!Copy !req
737. Give me that!Copy !req
738. It's empty anyway.Copy !req
739. I knew that.Copy !req
740. Where'd you find that?Copy !req
741. Sheriff! You're going
to want to see this!Copy !req
742. It's Mr Merrimack from the bank.Copy !req
743. What's he doing here?Copy !req
744. - Everybody stand back.
- All right, let me see.Copy !req
745. Looks like them varmints
shot him in the back.Copy !req
746. No, this man wasn't
shot. He was drowned!Copy !req
747. - Drowned?
- In the middle of the desert?Copy !req
748. What a way to go.Copy !req
749. Well, now, whose boot prints are those?Copy !req
750. That's interesting.
The ground's still wet.Copy !req
751. I suppose we should bury him.Copy !req
752. I don't know. Birds got to eat, too.Copy !req
753. Circle of life!Copy !req
754. Sheriff.Copy !req
755. Will you say a few words?Copy !req
756. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
757. Dearly beloved.Copy !req
758. We are gathered here
today to honour this man.Copy !req
759. Mr Merrimack,Copy !req
760. you have the right to remain silent.Copy !req
761. Speak now or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
762. Amen.Copy !req
763. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
764. Hey!Copy !req
765. What's that dad-gum Indian doing?Copy !req
766. I see you're consulting
with the spirits.Copy !req
767. No, I'm moulting.
Means I'm ready to mate.Copy !req
768. I'll keep that in mind.Copy !req
769. Cactus fruit.Copy !req
770. Yes. The ancient cactus fruit.Copy !req
771. I believe your people
use it as seasoningCopy !req
772. when preparing your native dishes.Copy !req
773. Also natural laxative.Copy !req
774. Pick up trail.Copy !req
775. Three men heading west.
One blind, one withCopy !req
776. enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.Copy !req
777. - What did he say?
- They're riding sidesaddle.Copy !req
778. - We're whispering.
- What'd he say?Copy !req
779. Someone's got a bad valve.Copy !req
780. All right, which one of you
fellers needs a check-up?Copy !req
781. Awkward.Copy !req
782. What exactly are we going to do now?Copy !req
783. Now we ride!Copy !req
784. That means we're
riding now! This moment.Copy !req
785. Marshmallows remind me of
going camping with my daddy.Copy !req
786. I could eat them all night long.Copy !req
787. Of course he did make me cough
them back up again for breakfast.Copy !req
788. This one time, I coughed
up an entire Dalmatian.Copy !req
789. That ain't nothing. I coughed
up a whole tribe of pygmies.Copy !req
790. They started looking at me weird.Copy !req
791. I remember them. They
was quite friendly.Copy !req
792. I found a human spinal column
in my fecal matter once.Copy !req
793. You might want to get that looked at.Copy !req
794. Pass the beans, Beans.Copy !req
795. - Sheriff?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
796. Mr Rango? Can you tell us
about the Spirit of the West?Copy !req
797. - Yeah, tell us about that.
- Is it true what they say?Copy !req
798. Yes, the Spirit of the West!Copy !req
799. The eternally unattainable ideal.Copy !req
800. They say he rides in
an alabaster carriageCopy !req
801. with golden guardians to protect him.Copy !req
802. But he only appears to those who
have undertaken an epic quest!Copy !req
803. And have made itCopy !req
804. to the other side.Copy !req
805. The other side of what?Copy !req
806. It's a metaphor.Copy !req
807. My eye!Copy !req
808. That's gonna heal right up.Copy !req
809. Sheriff? What are you going
to do about Rattlesnake Jake?Copy !req
810. What? Where?Copy !req
811. Sorry about that. Word is you
come against him once or twice.Copy !req
812. Yeah.Copy !req
813. Jake. You mean my brother.Copy !req
814. - Your brother?
- That's what I said!Copy !req
815. But he's a snake and you're a lizard.Copy !req
816. Well, Momma had an active social life.Copy !req
817. Did he ever bite you?Copy !req
818. Sure enough did. Look at that
baby. Go ahead, you can touch it.Copy !req
819. That's interesting. That
there's a belly button.Copy !req
820. Luckily, I'm immune to his venom.Copy !req
821. Put some in my coffee just
to give it a little tang.Copy !req
822. Is it true he's only
scared of them hawks?Copy !req
823. Them's what we call
his natural predator.Copy !req
824. All this talk of that serpentine
devil is putting my quills on edge!Copy !req
825. I ain't sleeping tonight. No, sir.Copy !req
826. Don't you all worry about a thing.
Come tomorrow, we'll locate that waterCopy !req
827. and return to a hero's welcome.Copy !req
828. Friends, before we bunk downCopy !req
829. I'd like us all to
join hands for a moment,Copy !req
830. say a few words to
the Spirit of the West.Copy !req
831. That's a good idea.Copy !req
832. Ain't always spoken rightly
to you, Spirit of the West.Copy !req
833. But tonight I want to thank you for
bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.Copy !req
834. It's a hard life we got.Copy !req
835. Sometimes I don't know
how we're gonna make it.Copy !req
836. But somehow, Sheriff Rango
makes me think we will.Copy !req
837. We needed a brave man
and you sent us one.Copy !req
838. Nice to have someone
to believe in again.Copy !req
839. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.Copy !req
840. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
841. Just checking.Copy !req
842. - It's a little cold tonight.
- Thank you.Copy !req
843. You ever feel like those
things are looking at you?Copy !req
844. That's a Spanish dagger.Copy !req
845. But around here, we just
call them the Walking Cactus.Copy !req
846. Walking?Copy !req
847. There's an old legend they actually
walk across the desert to find water.Copy !req
848. When I was a little girl, I'd stay up
late watching them, to see if they'd move.Copy !req
849. I thought if I could follow them,
they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.Copy !req
850. Someplace with enough
water for everyone.Copy !req
851. Night after night, I watched
them. I never saw them move.Copy !req
852. But you're still watching.Copy !req
853. Who doesn't want to
find someplace wonderful?Copy !req
854. We'll find the water,
Beans. I promise you.Copy !req
855. That's such a lonely sound.Copy !req
856. You ever get lonely?Copy !req
857. Sometimes.Copy !req
858. I can't imagine it. You're such a
charmer and everyone likes you so much.Copy !req
859. - I never made friends easy like that.
- No?Copy !req
860. No, we're pretty isolated
out there on the ranch,Copy !req
861. sort of like being
sealed up in a little box.Copy !req
862. Don't really see a lot of folks.Copy !req
863. I wouldn't know what that's like.Copy !req
864. There someone special
in your life, Rango?Copy !req
865. There used to be. But she
couldn't keep her head.Copy !req
866. Besides, my life's too
dangerous for that kind of thing.Copy !req
867. You know, it's an awful solitary
existence out there on the prairie.Copy !req
868. Riding the ranges and the suchlike.Copy !req
869. Beans?Copy !req
870. I'm gonna skin you alive, boy! I'm gonna
whup you like a red-headed stepchild!Copy !req
871. Choleric varmints, ain't they?Copy !req
872. Dysfunctional family. Need intervention.Copy !req
873. What's that coming?Copy !req
874. It's the water.Copy !req
875. I have a plan, and each and every
one of you has a part to play.Copy !req
876. What do I do?Copy !req
877. Spoons, you got the most
important job of all.Copy !req
878. You stay up here on the ridge,
and if anything goes wrong,Copy !req
879. you give the signal.Copy !req
880. Hey, Beans. What size dress you wearing?Copy !req
881. - He got it!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
882. - He found the water!
- You did it, son.Copy !req
883. Well, actually...Copy !req
884. Why can't you be all
brainy like your brother?Copy !req
885. Pappy, about that water.Copy !req
886. There's something
I gots to tell you.Copy !req
887. Hush up, now. Somebody's coming.Copy !req
888. Good sirs, gracious good afternoon
to thee and thee and thee.Copy !req
889. May I present Madame Lupone'sCopy !req
890. Terpsichorean Troupe
of Travelling Thespians!Copy !req
891. - What is that?
- I think they's thespians.Copy !req
892. Thespians?
That's illegal in seven states!Copy !req
893. The stage is set.Copy !req
894. The princess prepares
to take her own life.Copy !req
895. I yearn for love.Copy !req
896. Meanwhile, the lone sentry
stands watch at the castle gate.Copy !req
897. Stands watch at the castle gate...Copy !req
898. Hark! Who goes there?Copy !req
899. This plot is highly predictable.Copy !req
900. Quiet! This is my favourite part.Copy !req
901. Arriving to great fanfare
'twas her aged father,Copy !req
902. strucketh by Cupid.Copy !req
903. Prithee, unhand my fair daughterCopy !req
904. and reach for the...Copy !req
905. - Line?
- "Reach for the sky!"Copy !req
906. What was that?Copy !req
907. Must be that immersive theatre.Copy !req
908. We got you surrounded!Copy !req
909. You and your entire family get
your hands up where I can see them.Copy !req
910. My entire family?Copy !req
911. Grits and spit and collard greensCopy !req
912. Waffle chitlins, monkey brainsCopy !req
913. Refried bones and booger bloodCopy !req
914. Pickled eggs and flaps of mudCopy !req
915. it's a full house.Copy !req
916. Looks like we're gonna have ourselves
a good old-fashioned standoff.Copy !req
917. I'll have you know, you're not
looking at our entire contingent.Copy !req
918. What's that supposed to be?Copy !req
919. That's the signal.Copy !req
920. That's the signal! Something
must have gone wrong!Copy !req
921. So something's supposed to happen?Copy !req
922. I am open to suggestions.Copy !req
923. Run!Copy !req
924. Get on the wagon!Copy !req
925. Should we have ourselves
some sport, chill'ens?Copy !req
926. I likes it when they run.Copy !req
927. Maybelle, give the holler!Copy !req
928. Looks like we made it!Copy !req
929. That audience was quite responsive.Copy !req
930. Yeah, well, I think that
chromosome pool is about dried up.Copy !req
931. We got bats!Copy !req
932. Here! You drive.Copy !req
933. Looks like there's
gonna be soup tonight!Copy !req
934. Come on, let's get some!Copy !req
935. What in tarnation?
Don't shoot the water!Copy !req
936. Jedidiah! It's time for
the Alabama squeeze box!Copy !req
937. Okay, Pa!Copy !req
938. I am sensing hostility.Copy !req
939. Incoming!Copy !req
940. Hello!Copy !req
941. Goodbye!Copy !req
942. Lasso that swine!Copy !req
943. I suggest we take evasive action!Copy !req
944. I suggest you shut up and shoot!Copy !req
945. - What happened to the Sheriff?
- He had a previous engagement!Copy !req
946. Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!Copy !req
947. What was that? Go check it out!Copy !req
948. What is it? Is there a problem?Copy !req
949. You could call it that.Copy !req
950. Headache.Copy !req
951. Is that all you got?Copy !req
952. That wasn't altogether unpleasant!Copy !req
953. Eat lead!Copy !req
954. Here, hold these.Copy !req
955. Get your hands off me!Copy !req
956. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
957. Jump!Copy !req
958. It's impossible.Copy !req
959. It can't be. It's empty.Copy !req
960. There's no water!Copy !req
961. No water? Then what the
hell we been fighting for?Copy !req
962. Sir, you have defiled and desecrated
the very sustenance of our livelihood!Copy !req
963. I think that there fella in
the purty dress is the Sheriff.Copy !req
964. That's the same fellow what
give us a prospecting permit?Copy !req
965. - A what?
- Irrelevant! Obfuscation.Copy !req
966. You and your kin are under
arrest for bank robberyCopy !req
967. and the murder of our
beloved financial advisorCopy !req
968. Johannes Merrimack the Third,
AKA, Fluffy Joe.Copy !req
969. Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody.Copy !req
970. We done tunnelled into that vault,
but there weren't nothing in it.Copy !req
971. Somebody done robbed that
bank before we robbed it.Copy !req
972. Then where'd you get this here jug?Copy !req
973. That's what I been
trying to tell you, Pappy.Copy !req
974. I found it in the desert.Copy !req
975. Then why in tarnation
did you bring it here?Copy !req
976. Hold on! You're saying this here
jug was empty when you found it?Copy !req
977. That's right.Copy !req
978. I don't believe a word of it.Copy !req
979. - Let's hang them, Sheriff!
- String them up!Copy !req
980. Who'd dump water in the desert?Copy !req
981. Wouldn't be the first time.Copy !req
982. It's a puzzle!
It's like a big old mammogram!Copy !req
983. What's going on, Sheriff?Copy !req
984. I don't know.Copy !req
985. But I'm going to strip away this
mystery and expose its private parts.Copy !req
986. You and your kin are coming with me.Copy !req
987. They're coming!Copy !req
988. Here they come!Copy !req
989. Looks like they got them robbers.Copy !req
990. Where's the water?Copy !req
991. There weren't no water.Copy !req
992. Where is he going?Copy !req
993. He's going to see the Mayor.Copy !req
994. He's got to be pleased with that.Copy !req
995. That's a good one, boss!Copy !req
996. That's interesting.Copy !req
997. I do apologise for the shoes, Mr Rango,Copy !req
998. but there's a certain protocol
to this game, you understand.Copy !req
999. I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.Copy !req
1000. Well, that's good, 'cause you
got a few questions to answerCopy !req
1001. and I've got my own protocol.Copy !req
1002. But why would anyone dump
water in the blooming desert?Copy !req
1003. It does seem a bit naive,
taking the word of admitted bank robbers.Copy !req
1004. Besides, once they hang,
your job is done.Copy !req
1005. - Bravo!
- Job well done.Copy !req
1006. But what if somebody did rob
the bank before they got there?Copy !req
1007. And who would do that, Mr Rango?Copy !req
1008. I was hoping you could tell me.Copy !req
1009. That sounds marginally
near to an accusation.Copy !req
1010. Take it any way you like.Copy !req
1011. Something you said keeps rattling
around in my frontal lobe.Copy !req
1012. What's that?Copy !req
1013. "Control the water and
you control everything."Copy !req
1014. Come now, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1015. You attribute divine power to me.Copy !req
1016. How on earth could I
possibly control the water?Copy !req
1017. You've obviously mastered this game.Copy !req
1018. Well, I've been playing
it for many years, sir.Copy !req
1019. I was here before the highway
split this great valley.Copy !req
1020. I watched the march of progress,Copy !req
1021. and I learned a thing or two.Copy !req
1022. Perhaps it's time you
started to take the long view,Copy !req
1023. begin to appreciate the
broad sweep of history.Copy !req
1024. Look out there, son.Copy !req
1025. You can almost see time passing.Copy !req
1026. What are you building out here?Copy !req
1027. The future, Mr Rango, the future.Copy !req
1028. One day soon, all this is
going to fade into myth,Copy !req
1029. the frontier town, the
lawman, the gunslinger.Copy !req
1030. There's just no place for them any more.Copy !req
1031. - We're civilised now.
- That's right, civilised.Copy !req
1032. That's what the future holds.Copy !req
1033. You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.Copy !req
1034. Is that what happened
to Mr Merrimack?Copy !req
1035. Did he get left behind?Copy !req
1036. Careful, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1037. You seem to forget
you're just one little lizard.Copy !req
1038. You seem to forget I'm
the law around these parts.Copy !req
1039. Our new sheriff has been
playing the hero for so long,Copy !req
1040. he's actually starting
to believe it.Copy !req
1041. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.Copy !req
1042. But Jake's the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1043. He never leaves without
taking a blooming soul.Copy !req
1044. Do it!Copy !req
1045. Now be still.Copy !req
1046. You gotta look presentable
to meet your maker.Copy !req
1047. Death has arrivedCopy !req
1048. How will the hero survive?Copy !req
1049. The Mayor has bought up
all the land in the valley,Copy !req
1050. except for your ranch, Miss Beans.Copy !req
1051. That just don't
make no sense.Copy !req
1052. Without water,
that land is useless.Copy !req
1053. Unless he controls the water.Copy !req
1054. Like a monkey's bladder!Copy !req
1055. Then he could bring it back
once he's bought up all the land.Copy !req
1056. But how does he control the water?Copy !req
1057. Well, you gotta spend
some time and train them.Copy !req
1058. 'Cause you know monkeys,
when they do go,Copy !req
1059. you rub their nose in it.Copy !req
1060. Sheriff, we got a problem.Copy !req
1061. Hold on, Beans. That won't be necessary.Copy !req
1062. - Hang him till his head turns blue!
- Give us them robbers!Copy !req
1063. Hold on!
Calm down, everyone!Copy !req
1064. Let me talk!Copy !req
1065. - Nail them to the courthouse!
- Now, calm down, everybody.Copy !req
1066. Get them out here so we
can cut off their giblets!Copy !req
1067. You, too, Spoons?Copy !req
1068. They done taken that water.
They taken everything we got!Copy !req
1069. No one's stringing anyone
up. Not while I'm sheriff.Copy !req
1070. But this is all his fault!Copy !req
1071. You said you's gonna
bring the water back.Copy !req
1072. It's just, we got no
hope without that water.Copy !req
1073. We got nothing left to believe in.Copy !req
1074. You see that sign up there?Copy !req
1075. As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"Copy !req
1076. you can believe that there's
law and order in this town.Copy !req
1077. But without law and order,
ruminate on that. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1078. Starts out slow, like a fungus.Copy !req
1079. Somebody says a cross word.
Accusations start flying.Copy !req
1080. Neighbour turns on neighbour. Pretty
soon, we're eating our children!Copy !req
1081. And then dogs and cats
are getting togetherCopy !req
1082. to create all sorts of
unnatural mutant aberrations!Copy !req
1083. So, you want something
to believe in, Spoons?Copy !req
1084. Believe in me.Copy !req
1085. Believe in that there sign.Copy !req
1086. For as long as it hangs
there, we got hope.Copy !req
1087. Hello, brother.Copy !req
1088. Thirsty?Copy !req
1089. Long time, brother.
How you been keeping?Copy !req
1090. Well, you know...Copy !req
1091. I hear you been telling about how
you killed all them Jenkins brothers.Copy !req
1092. With one bullet, wasn't it?Copy !req
1093. Isn't that right?Copy !req
1094. All these good folks here believe
your little stories, don't they?Copy !req
1095. Why, they believe you're just
a stone killer, don't they?Copy !req
1096. Seems these folks trust you.Copy !req
1097. They think you're gonna
save their little town.Copy !req
1098. They think you're gonna
save their little souls!Copy !req
1099. But we know better, don't we?Copy !req
1100. So why don't you show your
friends here what you're made of?Copy !req
1101. Show them who you really are.Copy !req
1102. Why don't you just pull
your gun and shoot me?Copy !req
1103. But, of course, you
won't need all these.Copy !req
1104. Just one, right?Copy !req
1105. Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.Copy !req
1106. You got killer in your eyes, son?Copy !req
1107. I don't see it.Copy !req
1108. You didn't do any of them
things you said, did you?Copy !req
1109. You didn't kill them Jenkins
brothers. You ain't even from the West!Copy !req
1110. Are you?Copy !req
1111. - Say it!
- No.Copy !req
1112. Speak up. I don't think
your friends here heard you.Copy !req
1113. No.Copy !req
1114. All you've done is lie
to these good people.Copy !req
1115. You ain't nothing but a fake
and a coward. Isn't that right?Copy !req
1116. Yes.Copy !req
1117. - Louder!
- Yes.Copy !req
1118. Listen close, you pathetic fraud.Copy !req
1119. This is my town now.Copy !req
1120. If I ever see you again, I will
take your soul straight down to hell!Copy !req
1121. Who are you?Copy !req
1122. Who am I?Copy !req
1123. I'm nobody.Copy !req
1124. Golden guardians.Copy !req
1125. The alabaster carriage.Copy !req
1126. The Spirit of the West.Copy !req
1127. Excuse me? Mister Spirit, sir?Copy !req
1128. There's a beaut. Sometimes you got to
dig deep to find what you're looking for.Copy !req
1129. So you made it.Copy !req
1130. Is this heaven?Copy !req
1131. If it were, we'd be eating
Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak.Copy !req
1132. Yeah.Copy !req
1133. No kidding. What are you doing out here?Copy !req
1134. Searching, same as you.Copy !req
1135. I don't even know what
I'm looking for any more.Copy !req
1136. I don't even know who I am.Copy !req
1137. They used to call you
the Man with No Name.Copy !req
1138. These days they got a name
for just about everything.Copy !req
1139. Doesn't matter what they call you.
It's the deeds make the man.Copy !req
1140. Yeah, but my deeds just made things
worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney!Copy !req
1141. My friends believed in me, but
they need some kind of hero.Copy !req
1142. Then be a hero.Copy !req
1143. No. No, no, you don't understand.
I'm not even supposed to be here.Copy !req
1144. That's right. You came a long way to
find something that isn't out here.Copy !req
1145. Don't you see?
It's not about you.Copy !req
1146. It's about them.Copy !req
1147. But I can't go back.Copy !req
1148. Don't know that you got a choice, son.Copy !req
1149. No man can walk out on his own story.Copy !req
1150. So you made it.Copy !req
1151. That's right, amigo. The
other side of the road.Copy !req
1152. Did you just see that?Copy !req
1153. We each see what we need to see.Copy !req
1154. Beautiful, isn't it?Copy !req
1155. Yeah.Copy !req
1156. It is.Copy !req
1157. Come, my friend. I want
to show you something.Copy !req
1158. Many years ago, this entire
valley was covered in agua.Copy !req
1159. Now only one question remains.Copy !req
1160. Where did it go?Copy !req
1161. They follow the water.Copy !req
1162. They follow the water! Come on!Copy !req
1163. That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.Copy !req
1164. What are you building out here?Copy !req
1165. The future, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1166. You can either be part of
it, or you can be left behind.Copy !req
1167. I was here before the highway
split this great valley.Copy !req
1168. I watched the march of progressCopy !req
1169. and I learned a thing or two.Copy !req
1170. Control the waterCopy !req
1171. and you control everything.Copy !req
1172. Come now, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1173. You attribute divine power to me.Copy !req
1174. How on earth could I
possibly control the water?Copy !req
1175. What now, amigo?Copy !req
1176. No man can walk out on his own story.Copy !req
1177. I'm going back.Copy !req
1178. But why?Copy !req
1179. Because that's who I am.Copy !req
1180. You got a lot of nerve showing up
here, lawman. What is it you want?Copy !req
1181. Your pappy and them boys are about
to hang for something they didn't do.Copy !req
1182. But I've got a plan.Copy !req
1183. I appreciate how difficult
this is for you, Beans.Copy !req
1184. But you're making a practical decision.Copy !req
1185. Decisions, decisions.Copy !req
1186. There's no need for any more suffering.Copy !req
1187. Your family's ranch is
nothing but a wasteland now.Copy !req
1188. Sign the deed and relieve
yourself of your father's burden.Copy !req
1189. My daddy was not a burden!Copy !req
1190. Keep your blood money
and I'll keep my land!Copy !req
1191. Do what he says or, by all
the fires of the black pit,Copy !req
1192. I'll squeeze them pretty
brown eyes out of your skull!Copy !req
1193. Now, hold on, Jake.
There's no need to...Copy !req
1194. Let me do my job! You brought me in.Copy !req
1195. Now we're gonna play
this thing out to the end!Copy !req
1196. Sign the damn paper, woman!Copy !req
1197. Go to hell!Copy !req
1198. Where do you think I come from?Copy !req
1199. Look into my eyes.Copy !req
1200. I want to see you die.Copy !req
1201. Jake!Copy !req
1202. I'm calling you out!Copy !req
1203. Jake!Copy !req
1204. This day just got a
little more interesting.Copy !req
1205. Put her down.Copy !req
1206. Or what, little man?
You going to kill me?Copy !req
1207. That's just about the size of it.Copy !req
1208. - Get your filthy paws off me!
- Shut your gob!Copy !req
1209. All right, Sheriff, make your move.Copy !req
1210. Now amigos!Copy !req
1211. - Heave! Heave!
- Heave! Heave!Copy !req
1212. That was a bad idea.Copy !req
1213. Thirsty, brother?Copy !req
1214. Here it comes!Copy !req
1215. No. No!Copy !req
1216. It's a miracle!Copy !req
1217. Look out!Copy !req
1218. - Lookee there!
- What is that?Copy !req
1219. It's our salvation, Pa!Copy !req
1220. It's a jailbreak,
boys! We're busting out!Copy !req
1221. I'm gonna blow
so many holes in you,Copy !req
1222. your guts'll be leaking lead!Copy !req
1223. Well, then it's a good
thing I brought some backup.Copy !req
1224. What?Copy !req
1225. Ain't no hawk.Copy !req
1226. Ain't nothing but bats!Copy !req
1227. Stick to the plan, boys!
Let's bleed that devil dry!Copy !req
1228. It only takes one bullet.Copy !req
1229. You ain't got the nerve.Copy !req
1230. Try me.Copy !req
1231. Oh, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1232. Aren't you forgetting something?Copy !req
1233. Hand me your gun, Sheriff.Copy !req
1234. Now, Mr Rango.Copy !req
1235. Beans! Hold on. Don't
worry, I got a plan.Copy !req
1236. Help!Copy !req
1237. Open the door!Copy !req
1238. Okay, plan B.Copy !req
1239. Beans, you're mumbling.Copy !req
1240. All my problems taken
care of except for one.Copy !req
1241. It's a new West, Jake.Copy !req
1242. There's no room for gunslingers
any more. We're businessmen now.Copy !req
1243. Yeah, we got new hats.Copy !req
1244. Where I come from, we
call this improvisation.Copy !req
1245. You came back.Copy !req
1246. What was that?Copy !req
1247. No need to panic, but I think
you just swallowed plan B.Copy !req
1248. What?Copy !req
1249. Okay, panic time.Copy !req
1250. You and the Sheriff are
more alike than you think.Copy !req
1251. You're nothing but legends.Copy !req
1252. Pretty soon, no one will
believe you even existed.Copy !req
1253. One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.Copy !req
1254. How fitting.Copy !req
1255. Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together,Copy !req
1256. we can reach a mutually beneficial
solution to our current situation.Copy !req
1257. You better take it up with him.Copy !req
1258. One bullet.Copy !req
1259. I tip my hat to you,Copy !req
1260. one legend to another.Copy !req
1261. What was that you said?Copy !req
1262. "Pretty soon, no one will
believe you even existed."Copy !req
1263. No, Jake! No!Copy !req
1264. Rango!Copy !req
1265. You brought the water back,
just like you promised.Copy !req
1266. You really are a hero.Copy !req
1267. Well, the thing about
heroes is, whenever you...Copy !req
1268. Don't spoil it.Copy !req
1269. Right.Copy !req
1270. Well, I don't know about you all,
but I could sure go for a dip.Copy !req
1271. And so the lizard completes his journeyCopy !req
1272. from humble beginnings to
the legend we sing of today.Copy !req
1273. And although he is certain to die,
perhaps from a household accident,Copy !req
1274. which account for 65%
of all unnatural deaths,Copy !req
1275. the people of the village
will honour his memoryCopy !req
1276. even as they abandon their dignity.Copy !req
1277. - I'm going in.
- How about a cold one, there?Copy !req
1278. Water ain't money. Money is money.Copy !req
1279. - Well, I ain't got no...
- We're talking hard cash.Copy !req
1280. We have a problem.Copy !req
1281. Who let Snuggles in the pool again?Copy !req
1282. I really think you complete me.Copy !req
1283. Prithee, unhand my fair maiden.Copy !req
1284. - Cut. Cut. Everybody, take five.
- How can you keep missing your mark?Copy !req
1285. What's my motivation?Copy !req
1286. Oh, you kids.Copy !req
1287. What did you do that for?Copy !req
1288. I was just checking.Copy !req
1289. I hear if you get too sunburnt,Copy !req
1290. you can peel a man's face right off.Copy !req
1291. - What is it?
- That there's some human spleen.Copy !req
1292. Don't touch it.Copy !req
1293. That's the second time
that's happened to me.Copy !req
1294. This water thing's great.Copy !req
1295. I'm urinating right now.Copy !req
1296. Adult swim, next five minutes.Copy !req
1297. Stay between the buoys.Copy !req
1298. I packed your lunch. Danish is in thereCopy !req
1299. and I picked the raisins
out just the way you like it.Copy !req
1300. Don't forget, your nasal
spray is in your saddle-bag...Copy !req
1301. - Beans!
- ... and your moisturising lotion...Copy !req
1302. - Now, Beans! We've talked about this.
- Lotion?Copy !req
1303. That's for my gun.
That's gun lotion.Copy !req
1304. Sheriff, where are you headed?Copy !req
1305. There's trouble
down a dry creek.Copy !req
1306. Bad Bill's been acting up again.Copy !req
1307. Now, honey,
you come back with all your digits.Copy !req
1308. And don't go trying to be a hero.Copy !req
1309. Beans, you are missing the point.Copy !req
1310. I got an image to protect now.Copy !req
1311. Where's my Tic Tacs?Copy !req
1312. - I found them.
- What's going on?Copy !req
1313. Well, in order to satisfy
the needs of the collective,Copy !req
1314. the hero must abandon the selfCopy !req
1315. and solidify his image as an icon
that will forever be remembered.Copy !req
1316. So, this is the sunset shot.Copy !req
1317. Give them a good one, amigo.Copy !req
1318. Ready, Excelsior?Copy !req
1319. My fellow comrades.Copy !req
1320. There will be times
when you doubt yourself.Copy !req
1321. When you feel pummelled
by the cataclysms of life,Copy !req
1322. remember this moment. Remember me.Copy !req
1323. Know that I will be there watching you,Copy !req
1324. sometimes at inappropriate moments.Copy !req
1325. That's part of the deal.Copy !req
1326. And remember, within all of us residesCopy !req
1327. the true Spirit of the...Copy !req
1328. Let's take it from the top.Copy !req