1. We are gathered here today
to immortalize in song
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2. the life and untimely death
of a great legend.
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3. - Rango.
- So sit back, relax,
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4. and enjoy your low-calorie popcorn
and assorted confections
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5. while we tell you the strange
and bewildering tale of a hero
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6. who has yet to enter his own story.
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7. Crunchy, creamy, cookie,
candy, cupcake.
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8. Okay, everybody,
let's take it from the top.
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9. The stage is set,
the night moist with apprehension.
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10. Alone in her chamber, the princess
prepares to take her own life.
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11. "It is far better to nourish worms
than to live without love."
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12. She reaches for the poisoned chalice.
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13. Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio
plots his ascension to the throne
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14. while her ageing father lies gravely ill.
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15. "Yes, I am gravely ill."
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16. "Hark, who goes there?"
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17. 'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero,
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18. returning to rescue
his emotionally unstable maiden!
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19. Unhand her, you jailers of virtue,
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20. or taste the bitter sting
of my vengeance!
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21. The sting of my...
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22. Dr. Marx?
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23. Dr. Marx,
I'm not getting anything from you.
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24. People, we've talked about this.
Acting is reacting.
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25. Victor, you were wooden!
There, I said it.
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26. Mr. Timms? You were good.
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27. Perhaps a little too good.
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28. What's that, Victor? My character's
undefined? That's absurd.
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29. I know who I am.
I'm the guy, the protagonist, the hero.
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30. Every story needs a hero.
I mean, who else is better qualified
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31. to bask in the adulation
of his numerous companions?
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32. The stage is waiting.
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33. The audience thirsts for adventure.
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34. Who am I?
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35. I could be anyone.
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36. I could be the sea cap'n
returning from a mighty voyage
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37. to reclaim his mechanical arm!
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38. Or I could be the rogue anthropologist,
battling pythons down in the Congo!
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39. Down, Chongo, down!
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40. And if you desire romance,
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41. I will become the greatest lover
the world has ever known!
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42. I couldn't help but notice you
noticing me noticing you.
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43. You know, the womens find me
uncomfortably good looking.
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44. But you seem remarkably at ease.
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45. Stop it. No, really.
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46. Well, if you must. What are you doing?
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47. That tickles. Are those real?
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48. That's it! Conflict.
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49. Victor, you were right.
I have been undefined.
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50. People, I've had an epiphany.
The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!
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51. What our story needs is an ironic,
unexpected event
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52. that will propel the hero into conflict!
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53. Mr. Timms?
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54. That's right! You!
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55. Don't be shy. Come on.
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56. It's okay.
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57. That's it, a little closer.
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58. Good.
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59. I won't bite you.
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60. I need a little help here.
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61. Are you okay?
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62. I must get to the other side.
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63. The other side? You mean, just now,
that was you crossing the road?
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64. That's why the...
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65. Why'd you do that?
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66. This is my quest. He waits for me.
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67. What? Who?
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68. The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one.
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69. They say he rides an alabaster carriage
with golden guardians to protect him.
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70. What are you talking about?
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71. Enlightenment.
We are nothing without it.
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72. Nothing? Your delusional quest
just ruined my life!
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73. I had an incredibly complex
social network going!
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74. Highly sophisticated friends!
I was very popular!
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75. Friends? I don't see no friends.
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76. You are a very lonely lizard.
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77. Look, I need water, hydration.
My teeth are chapped.
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78. I need lotion.
I'm down to one layer of skin already.
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79. Pretty soon,
I'm going to start seeing my insides.
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80. Not unlike what you've got going there.
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81. Listen, I can't survive
in the desert, okay?
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82. I... I don't belong here.
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83. That may be true, but here you are.
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84. Now help me up
and I will help you find what you seek.
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85. - You will?
- And perhaps more.
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86. Quickly. I must get back to my quest.
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87. - You mean you've done this before?
- Yes. Many times.
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88. Come, come. That's it, pull my finger.
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89. The Spirit is waiting for me.
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90. Okay, okay.
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91. Okay. That's not going to work.
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92. I must get to the other side.
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93. Why don't you just wait
until there are no cars coming?
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94. It's not so easy as it looks.
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95. What?
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96. Is a metaphor.
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97. There's another one!
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98. I knew it.
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99. You need a little help, amigo?
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100. I think the metaphor broke my spleen.
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101. The path to knowledge
is fraught with consequence.
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102. I'm just looking for the path to water.
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103. If you want to find water,
you must first find Dirt.
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104. Dirt.
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105. Destiny, she is kind to you.
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106. Tomorrow is Wednesday.
The water comes.
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107. At noon, the townspeople gather
for a mysterious ritual.
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108. A town? You mean, with real people
and everything? Where?
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109. A day's journey. Follow your shadow.
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110. You want me to just walk out
into the desert?
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111. That's the way.
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112. Okay. So you're saying
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113. there's a town, a real town,
not a metaphor town.
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114. Go on. It's okay.
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115. Okay.
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116. Well, then, I'm going.
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117. I am leaving the road now!
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118. I'm walking into the desert!
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119. Alone!
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120. We all have our journeys to make!
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121. I will see you on the other side.
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122. Welcome, amigo
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123. To the land without end
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124. The desert and death
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125. Are the closest of friends
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126. We sing of his courage
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127. In magnificent song
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128. But pay close attention
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129. He won't be here long
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130. As the birds pluck his eyes
The sun bleaches his bones
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131. See his entrails get scattered
Watch him lose his cojones
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132. Here in the Mojave Desert,
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133. animals have had millions of years
to adapt to the harsh environment.
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134. But the lizard? He is going to die.
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135. "Four score and seven years ago,
our fathers..."
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136. - Don't move.
- What?
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137. - Don't move!
- Not moving.
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138. Not moving.
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139. Try to blend in.
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140. Blend in? What do you mean?
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141. Blend in.
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142. What are you saying?
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143. - Too late.
- No, no. It's not too late!
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144. I'm blending! I'm a blender!
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145. Hey, calm down! What are you doing?
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146. Stop moving!
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147. Try not to look conspicuous.
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148. - What are you doing?
- I'm blending.
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149. - Go blend somewhere else.
- Don't distract me.
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150. - No room at the inn.
- It's an art, not a science.
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151. - Find your own hiding place.
- No, this is good.
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152. Here she comes! You better run, Mojito!
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153. - What? I thought you said, "Don't move."
- That was before. Now, you run.
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154. Oh, hey. Proboscis.
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155. Testy.
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156. Please, no, please. I have vertigo!
My glands are swelling!
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157. Please, no.
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158. You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard!
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159. Get out of there.
I'm going to strangle your huevos!
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160. Big bird! Big bird!
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161. No, wait! Come back! I was just kidding!
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162. - Come on, we're friends, right?
- I don't know you!
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163. - Lizards, frogs...
- Find your own hiding place!
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164. - We're practically related!
- No room at the inn!
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165. - Come on, move over!
- You're not my friend!
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166. I'll let you kiss my sister!
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167. You son of a...
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168. Where are your friends now, amigo?
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169. Get your slimy-webbed phalanges
off my boots!
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170. Sorry.
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171. I got a bead on you, stranger.
So you get up real slow
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172. lessen you want to spend the better part
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173. of the afternoon
putting your face back together!
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174. - No, ma'am, I don't.
- Who are you?
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175. - Who am I?
- I'm asking the questions here!
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176. Our town is drying up.
We're in the middle of a drought.
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177. Now someone's dumping water
in the desert!
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178. It's a puzzle of undeterminable size
and dimension,
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179. but I intend to find out
what role you playing in all this.
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180. - Role?
- What are you involved in?
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181. Well, I'm glad you asked.
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182. I've got two one-acts, a mystery
and a musical I've been gestating.
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183. I got the words, I'm just working on
the melody right now. It's like a...
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184. I think it's gonna be a western.
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185. A monkey got a cracker
His mother was a slapper
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186. She'll be coming 'round the mountain
in the rain
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187. You ain't from around here, are you?
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188. I'm still working on it.
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189. So, what's your name?
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190. - Beans.
- That's a funny kind of name.
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191. What can I say?
My daddy plumb loved baked beans.
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192. Well, you're lucky
he didn't plumb love asparagus.
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193. What are you saying?
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194. I mean,
I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself,
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195. but I'm not sure that a child
would appreciate the moniker.
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196. My daddy was a great man, even if
he did exhibit a proclivity for legumes.
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197. - Spicy.
- You're eating his ashes!
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198. You carry his remains?
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199. No, his ashes. He loved to smoke.
They never found the body.
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200. Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
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201. - What are you implying?
- Nothing.
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202. My daddy was never near
that mine shaft.
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203. He'd been sober for over a month!
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204. And for you to insinuate that he would
abandon his parental responsibilities
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205. at a delicate time in my personal
development is an affront to my sense...
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206. Miss Beans?
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207. Miss Beans? Hello?
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208. Hello?
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209. And until the people of Andromeda Five
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210. return him safe and sound,
I will not sell my ranch!
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211. - What... What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
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212. - What am I doing?
- You're cuddling me.
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213. - You were frozen.
- I was not.
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214. Yes, you were. You stopped talking.
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215. It's a defense mechanism.
Actually, lots of lizards have it.
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216. You're making that up.
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217. So, you gonna die out here,
or you want a ride into town?
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218. No, no, no. Yeah. No. Yes, please.
Thank you. Sorry.
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219. Today's Wednesday.
Wednesday's when we all get to it.
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220. So who are you, really?
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221. Well, I'm a man of many epithets.
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222. There's my stage name, my pen name,
my avatar.
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223. I had a pseudonym once,
but I had it legally changed.
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224. And so the stranger,
seeking companionship,
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225. finds the woman,
much like the sirens of ancient times
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226. luring him to his certain demise.
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227. nom de plume, I have a CB handle.
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228. I'm actually one of the few men
with a maiden name.
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229. Whoa! Well, here we are.
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230. Right.
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231. Well, I sure do appreciate this,
Miss Beans,
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232. - and if there's ever anything that I...
- Get on up!
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233. Okay, then!
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234. See you, Beans.
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235. You heading out, Jim?
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236. Well, we gave it our best shot.
We had to sell out.
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237. Can't grow no crops without no water.
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238. Bye, now!
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239. What is it?
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240. What was that for?
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241. You're funny looking.
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242. Oh, yeah?
Well, you're funny looking, too.
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243. - That's a funny-looking shirt.
- That's a funny-looking dress.
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244. - You got funny-looking eyes!
- You got a funny-looking face!
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245. You're a stranger.
Strangers don't last long here.
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246. Here's your beans, Beans.
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247. I'm gonna need some more feed, too,
Willie.
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248. Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts
already. I can't give you more credit.
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249. But I'll have what I owe you at noon.
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250. You don't understand. It's Mr. Merrimack
down at the bank. He cut off all credit.
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251. Hey, Beans! Beans!
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252. You know that there fella?
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253. Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!
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254. Nope.
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255. Hey, Beans!
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256. Hey.
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257. Right. Blend in. Yeah, blend in.
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258. I'd like a glass of water.
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259. He wants a glass of water!
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260. Make it a double!
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261. Give him the spittoon!
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262. Cactus juice. That's what we got.
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263. Hey, there, fruit cup.
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264. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?
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265. Who exactly are you?
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266. Who am I?
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267. I could be anyone.
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268. What's the matter?
You missing your mommy's mangos?
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269. As a matter of fact, I am.
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270. But not as much as
your daddy's cooking!
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271. Exactly where did you say
you were from?
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272. Me? I'm from the West.
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273. Out there, beyond the horizon.
Past the sunset.
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274. The Far West.
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275. Yeah, that's right, hombres.
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276. The place I come from,
we kill a man before breakfast
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277. just to work up an appetite.
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278. Then we salt him, and we pepper him.
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279. Then we braise him in clarified butter.
And then we eat him.
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280. - You eat him?
- That's what I said!
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281. Hell, I seen things make a grown man
lose control of his glandular functions!
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282. You spend three days in a horse
carcass, living off your own juices.
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283. It'll change a man. Oh, yeah.
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284. Had a few extra aces in this deck,
gents. Just the way I like it.
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285. So, no, my hirsute little rodent friend,
I am not from around these parts.
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286. You might say I'm from everywhere
there's trouble brewing
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287. and hell waiting to be raised.
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288. You might say
I'm what hell's already raised up.
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289. Name's
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290. Rango.
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291. Are you the fella
that killed them Jenkins brothers?
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292. Killed them with one bullet.
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293. Don't get no deader.
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294. All seven of them?
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295. That's right.
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296. All seven of them.
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297. Exactly how you do that, Mr. Rango?
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298. You know, I'm glad you asked me that.
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299. And I will be happy to tell you how.
But you're all gonna have to listen up!
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300. Because this is where it gets
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301. complicated.
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302. That'll close out your account,
Mrs. Oats, two gulps and a swig.
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303. Hands off, Mordecai! That's what's left
of your college education!
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304. I don't rightly have
no other choice, Beans.
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305. Times being so hard,
we just can't give no more credit.
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306. But this here is a bank.
This is where you keep the water.
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307. Beans, you've been like a niece to me
ever since your daddy
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308. did not fall drunk down a mine shaft.
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309. I've tried to protect you and others
from certain realities.
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310. But that... Well...
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311. - Mr. Merrimack?
- Realities are bearing down.
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312. Mr. Merrimack!
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313. Are you all right?
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314. Beans, I need to show you something.
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315. - That's all that's left?
- And this here is the reserve!
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316. I don't know if you've noticed,
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317. but folks just ain't making deposits
on a Wednesday no more!
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318. Mr. Merrimack, if I don't get some water,
I'm gonna lose my ranch
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319. and you're telling me
that's all that's left in the whole town?
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320. Now that just don't make no sense.
Now, listen.
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321. Someone is dumping water
in the desert.
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322. I seen it with my own eyes.
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323. Water in the desert?
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324. Was this during
one of your special times?
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325. No.
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326. Well, we can all dream,
but this is the reality.
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327. Why do you think so many people
are selling out? They just can't make it.
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328. Well, what am I supposed to do?
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329. Well, I suppose
we could talk to the Mayor.
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330. I hear he's been helping people out
in this time of crisis.
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331. The Mayor?
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332. He may be our only hope.
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333. Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets back
towards number three,
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334. and that's when the roof caved in,
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335. igniting the thermos
of pure grain alcohol
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336. instantly vaporizing his bodily form,
leaving nothing but a charcoal statue
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337. and a high-pitched squeal.
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338. Hold on, there. That's only six.
What happened to number seven?
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339. Number seven?
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340. Hell, he died of infection.
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341. - Seven men!
- One bullet!
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342. Drinks all around!
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343. Dance for me, Sod Buster!
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344. - Yes, dance like a chicken!
- That's right! Dance!
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345. You got corn in your ears, mate?
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346. You don't pay the mortgage,
you don't own the land!
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347. - That's basic real estate law, my friend.
- Quid pro quo!
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348. If I see your face in this town again,
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349. I'm gonna slice it off and use it
to wipe my unmentionables.
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350. Mind the beak.
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351. And don't come back!
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352. What are you all gawping at?
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353. Hey, Bad Bill,
there's something I got to tell you!
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354. What is this?
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355. You know who that is, Bill?
That there's Rango!
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356. Yeah, he ain't afraid of you!
He ain't afraid of none of you.
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357. Killed them Jenkins brothers.
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358. - Done it with one bullet, Bill.
- All seven of them!
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359. Is that right?
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360. Let me get that before you...
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361. No. Oh, I know. Here.
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362. Just take care of that for you.
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363. There. All better.
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364. T.O. T.O. Just a second.
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365. All right, now listen!
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366. I'm going to give you fellas
one last chance to reconsider!
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367. And if you don't want to reconsider
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368. I might consider reconsidering myself.
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369. Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.
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370. All right, now listen up!
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371. Things are going to be different
around here now that Rango's in town.
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372. Got some new rules!
I want my shoes shined every morning,
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373. my coffee hot, Danish on the side.
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374. Whatever you do,
don't look me in the eye.
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375. Stay out of my peripheral vision!
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376. - It's Rango.
- What's he up to?
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377. He ain't afraid of nobody.
He's telling that bird what's for!
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378. And when you see me coming,
stand aside.
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379. I take large steps and I don't want
none of you hayseeds
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380. getting your bodily fluids on my boots!
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381. Of course, there is no need for violence,
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382. as long as we stick together,
work as a team.
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383. So I want you all to come outside now
and line up single file
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384. while I take a brief intermission!
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385. What's he doing now?
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386. I think it's a number two.
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387. Never mind.
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388. Take a look-see over here!
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389. Well, look at him now!
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390. He's chasing after that hawk!
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391. Give him hell, Rango!
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392. - Did you see that?
- He killed that thing!
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393. What do you think, Doc?
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394. This hawk is dead!
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395. Shoot, I say we cook that right up.
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396. He did it with one bullet!
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397. Just like he said!
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398. It's about time
we had a hero around here.
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399. One who ain't in a pine box.
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400. I think it's time he met the Mayor.
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401. You hear that, Rango?
You're going to meet the Mayor!
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402. Let's hear it for Rango!
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403. And so the stranger basks
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404. in the adulation of his new friends,
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405. sinking deeper into the guacamole
of his own deception.
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406. When is he going to die?
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407. Soon, compadre. Soon.
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408. My land is not for sale!
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409. I came here to save my land, not sell it!
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410. I'm sure there's something reasonable
we can work out if you just talk to him!
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411. Beans! Where are you going? Beans?
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412. The Mayor will see you now.
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413. Water, Mr. Rango, water.
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414. Without it,
there's nothing but dust and decay.
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415. But with water there's life.
Copy !req
416. Look at them, so desperate to live,
they'll follow it anywhere.
Copy !req
417. That's the immutable law of the desert.
Copy !req
418. Control the water
and you control everything.
Copy !req
419. But I don't have to tell you that being
a true man of the West, as you are.
Copy !req
420. Oh, yeah. The West is the best.
Copy !req
421. This is from my private stock.
Copy !req
422. Vintage rainwater
from the Great Deluge.
Copy !req
423. Not Noah's deluge.
Good heavens, I'm not that old.
Copy !req
424. I guess power has its privileges.
Copy !req
425. You make a good point, son.
Copy !req
426. But with privilege comes responsibility.
Copy !req
427. Hell, I was mayor here
before there was a Dirt!
Copy !req
428. And I may be
just a sentimental old turtle
Copy !req
429. but I think there's a future for this town.
And I hope you'll be part of it.
Copy !req
430. - To Dirt!
- To Dirt.
Copy !req
431. You see them, Mr. Rango?
All my friends and neighbors?
Copy !req
432. It's a hard life here. Very hard.
Copy !req
433. Do you know how they make it through
each and every day?
Copy !req
434. They believe.
Copy !req
435. They believe it's going to be better.
Copy !req
436. They believe that the water will come.
Copy !req
437. They believe against all odds
and all evidence
Copy !req
438. that tomorrow will be better than today.
Copy !req
439. People have to believe in something.
Copy !req
440. Right now, they believe in you.
Copy !req
441. Pick it up, Mr. Rango.
Your destiny awaits.
Copy !req
442. People have to believe in something.
Copy !req
443. It's almost noon. Is everything ready?
Copy !req
444. Yeah. But he might be a problem.
Copy !req
445. He's not a problem, William.
He's a solution.
Copy !req
446. It just don't make no sense.
Copy !req
447. This whole town is drying up,
Copy !req
448. and the Mayor is the only one
who don't seem to be affected.
Copy !req
449. Doesn't that make you
just a wee bit suspicious?
Copy !req
450. And what about that water
I saw out in the desert?
Copy !req
451. All right! No need to incite anxiety.
I'll inquire about the Mayor.
Copy !req
452. But if you really feel
there's some conspiracy occurring,
Copy !req
453. I suggest you take it up
with the new sheriff.
Copy !req
454. This is going to be good. Hey!
Watch that needle there.
Copy !req
455. Not too tight.
I want to leave room for some pucker!
Copy !req
456. That's good.
Copy !req
457. Oh, easy there, tiger.
Copy !req
458. - A little up and back?
- I don't think so.
Copy !req
459. Have you got French cuffs with that?
Copy !req
460. Excuse me, Sheriff Rango.
I want to talk to you.
Copy !req
461. Hey, Beans,
what do you think of the new duds?
Copy !req
462. I got a 10-gallon hat
marked down from 15.
Copy !req
463. - That's nice.
- Have you met Angelique?
Copy !req
464. - Hello, Beans.
- Hello, Angelique.
Copy !req
465. - Tart.
- Floozy.
Copy !req
466. - Trollop.
- Excuse me, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
467. I will blow that ugly right off your face!
Copy !req
468. I was just thinking that...
Copy !req
469. You want the old John Hancock,
do you?
Copy !req
470. - Well, here. Hold this.
- Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.
Copy !req
471. There's a bullet in there.
Copy !req
472. I know about the shindig this afternoon.
Copy !req
473. - I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
- Sheriff, I'd like to file a...
Copy !req
474. - Mr. Rango!
- Oh, you, too? No problem.
Copy !req
475. - Here, let me just...
- I need you to investigate...
Copy !req
476. You know, Beans, I bet you clean up
real nice, you put a little effort into it.
Copy !req
477. - What?
- Now, remember, son,
Copy !req
478. stay in school, eat your veggies,
burn everything but Shakespeare.
Copy !req
479. - Who's Shakespeare?
- Sheriff Rango,
Copy !req
480. if that is your real name.
Copy !req
481. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch,
Copy !req
482. which is on the verge
of an agricultural meltdown
Copy !req
483. while you're playing patty-cake
with this here trollop!
Copy !req
484. Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.
Copy !req
485. Why does she do that?
Copy !req
486. - It's a survival reflex.
- Her switch is just broken.
Copy !req
487. Well, that's an inconvenience.
Copy !req
488. It is not a rash! It is a birthmark!
Copy !req
489. I did it again, didn't I?
Copy !req
490. Did what?
Copy !req
491. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
492. Did anybody here mention
what happened to our last sheriff?
Copy !req
493. Pardon, but may I ask you...
Excuse me, may I ask you...
Copy !req
494. The last sheriff... Pardon me.
Where is everybody going?
Copy !req
495. What exactly happened to the...
Copy !req
496. All day
Copy !req
497. I've faced the barren waste
Copy !req
498. Without the taste of water
Copy !req
499. Cool water
Copy !req
500. Old Dan and I
Copy !req
501. With throats burned dry
Copy !req
502. And souls that cry
Copy !req
503. For water
Copy !req
504. Cool
Copy !req
505. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
506. Clear water
Copy !req
507. This is a heck of a hoedown
you got going.
Copy !req
508. Still working out those steps.
Copy !req
509. So, is this considered
normal civic behavior?
Copy !req
510. Every Wednesday, just like clockwork.
Copy !req
511. You kill bird.
Copy !req
512. Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.
Copy !req
513. Bird dead. Snake come.
Copy !req
514. Snake?
Copy !req
515. He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
516. He never comes to town 'cause
he's scared of that hawk.
Copy !req
517. But he might come now.
Copy !req
518. Can I have your boots
when you're dead?
Copy !req
519. No!
Copy !req
520. And I ain't got no problem
with this Rattlesnake Jake.
Copy !req
521. That's just what Amos said.
Copy !req
522. Amos?
Copy !req
523. You got any gold fillings?
Copy !req
524. My fellow Dirtonians.
Copy !req
525. I welcome you to our great day
of deliverance. Hallelujah.
Copy !req
526. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
527. Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!
Copy !req
528. We have a newcomer
amongst us today, my friends.
Copy !req
529. A man I think needs
little introduction to you
Copy !req
530. so bold has been his entry
into our fair society.
Copy !req
531. Mr. Rango, would you step forward?
Copy !req
532. The time has come, my friends.
The time that was foretold!
Copy !req
533. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
534. The sacred time!
Copy !req
535. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
536. The time of destiny!
Copy !req
537. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
538. The time of deliverance!
Copy !req
539. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
540. It is the time of hydration!
Copy !req
541. - It's his fault!
- It's the newcomer!
Copy !req
542. - Burn him!
- He's a witch!
Copy !req
543. I get his boots!
Copy !req
544. My friends, my friends!
Temper your frustrations.
Copy !req
545. Times will be tough from now on.
Sacrifices will have to be made.
Copy !req
546. But if I can help in any way,
please know that my door is always...
Copy !req
547. Hold it, hold it!
Copy !req
548. Now, this whole thing
stinks three ways to Sunday.
Copy !req
549. First the bank's run dry
and now this here spigot?
Copy !req
550. The bank's run dry?
Copy !req
551. - What's she talking about?
- She said there's no water in the bank!
Copy !req
552. This is all we have!
We can't give it all out!
Copy !req
553. That was my rehydration account!
Copy !req
554. None of that civil disobedience
in my town, thank you very much.
Copy !req
555. Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff.
Things were getting out of hand.
Copy !req
556. Come right in.
Copy !req
557. Let me have a gander at the source
of the societal discontentment here.
Copy !req
558. Mercy.
Copy !req
559. All right, listen up! I've been thinking
Copy !req
560. and I believe I've figured something out.
Copy !req
561. You folks have a water problem!
Copy !req
562. Now just pay attention, everybody.
I'm trying to make a point here.
Copy !req
563. Let's say this fella here
were to take a drink of water.
Copy !req
564. Just one little drink.
No harm, no foul, right?
Copy !req
565. And you!
Copy !req
566. You're just as dried up and parched
as a jackrabbit in July.
Copy !req
567. So you belly on up
and take you a double shot!
Copy !req
568. Stay with me.
Copy !req
569. What do you think happens then?
Why we'd all be drinking!
Copy !req
570. And before you know it,
there wouldn't be any more water.
Copy !req
571. And then where would we be?
Copy !req
572. We'd be thirsty.
Copy !req
573. Real thirsty.
Copy !req
574. We'd turn on each other
like a bunch of animals!
Copy !req
575. Now look here.
We have got six days of water.
Copy !req
576. We have got five days...
Copy !req
577. As long as we've got water,
we've got ourselves a town.
Copy !req
578. Sheriff Rango is right.
Copy !req
579. As long as we have this water,
we have some hope.
Copy !req
580. And you can all take it from me.
Copy !req
581. My 100% full-time employment
from this moment on
Copy !req
582. will be to protect
our precious natural resource.
Copy !req
583. Ain't no one gonna tango
with the Rango.
Copy !req
584. Evening, ladies.
Copy !req
585. Evening, Sheriff.
Copy !req
586. And don't you come back!
Copy !req
587. Hold on there, Gordy. You get back
in there and you assert yourself,
Copy !req
588. and I think you'll find the people of this
here town to be surprisingly hospitable.
Copy !req
589. Thank you, Sheriff.
Copy !req
590. What? Not you again!
Copy !req
591. I stand corrected.
Copy !req
592. - This ain't the bank.
- I told you, Jedidiah!
Copy !req
593. Hold it right there!
Copy !req
594. - Who's that?
- It's the Sheriff!
Copy !req
595. Get them hands up
where I can see them!
Copy !req
596. Just as I suspected.
Copy !req
597. Prospecting without the authorized
equipment. Don't move a muscle.
Copy !req
598. Prospecting?
Copy !req
599. Now, you got your shovel,
pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah,
Copy !req
600. assorted snacks, some puzzle books
and you're gonna need a permit.
Copy !req
601. - Loofah.
- Ezekiel, Jedidiah!
Copy !req
602. What the Sam Hill's going on up there?
Copy !req
603. I've had polyps removed
smarter than the two of you!
Copy !req
604. Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!
Copy !req
605. Pappy, the Sheriff is standing right here,
helping us out.
Copy !req
606. Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.
Copy !req
607. That's right, sir. Just doing my duty.
Copy !req
608. The lonely constable on his rounds,
Copy !req
609. keeping an eagle eye out
for mayhem and malfeasance.
Copy !req
610. Does he look like he sounds?
Copy !req
611. Well, Sheriff,
if we was to hit the mother lode,
Copy !req
612. being prospectors and such,
Copy !req
613. where would we deposit said annuity?
Copy !req
614. Here in the town of Dirt,
we happen to have
Copy !req
615. the finest financial institution
this side of the Missouri.
Copy !req
616. Protected morning, noon and night
by yours truly.
Copy !req
617. Much obliged.
Copy !req
618. The bank's been robbed!
The bank's been robbed!
Copy !req
619. Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!
Copy !req
620. What's going on?
Copy !req
621. - It's gone! The water's all gone!
- What'd he say?
Copy !req
622. He said the bank's been robbed!
Copy !req
623. Dr. Marx! I'm on fire! Embrace me!
Copy !req
624. The bank's been robbed, the town is dry
"We'll die of thirst," the people cry
Copy !req
625. He promised to protect the vault
The water's gone, it's all his fault
Copy !req
626. All right, folks, stand back,
clear the area.
Copy !req
627. This is a crime scene now.
Copy !req
628. Secure the perimeter, dust for prints,
check for fibers, scan for DNA.
Copy !req
629. I want a urine sample from everyone.
And get me a latte.
Copy !req
630. And don't mix up the two.
Copy !req
631. What's this?
Copy !req
632. "Prospecting Permit."
Copy !req
633. I'll take that. Material evidence.
Copy !req
634. What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?
Copy !req
635. - We need that water.
- We're all going to die!
Copy !req
636. My friends, we all know
what we have to do now.
Copy !req
637. That's right.
We all know what we have to do now.
Copy !req
638. - And that would be?
- Form a posse.
Copy !req
639. Form a possum!
Copy !req
640. A posse.
Copy !req
641. Now, we're gonna be doing this
in an orderly fashion.
Copy !req
642. First off, does anybody here know
how to use a firearm of any kind?
Copy !req
643. All right, then.
Copy !req
644. What do we do now, Sheriff?
Copy !req
645. Now we ride!
Copy !req
646. Where are we going?
Copy !req
647. What?
Copy !req
648. Where are we going?
Copy !req
649. Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge
of all tracking and finding of villains,
Copy !req
650. utilizing your well-developed
Injun-uity, no offence taken.
Copy !req
651. So which way do you think they went?
Copy !req
652. You want to sniff the air or commune
with a buffalo or something?
Copy !req
653. Oh, you're good.
Copy !req
654. I'm depending on you, Spoons.
Copy !req
655. You got a little tobaccy
in the beard there.
Copy !req
656. Always good to have a medical man
along, Doc.
Copy !req
657. Reptiles got to stick together, right,
my brother?
Copy !req
658. I'm an amphibian.
Copy !req
659. Ain't no shame in that.
Copy !req
660. You sure you're
fit for duty there, soldier?
Copy !req
661. Well, you got a little something
in your eye there.
Copy !req
662. Oh, that? That there's conjunctivitis, sir.
It's hereditary.
Copy !req
663. Well, I'm glad to hear
it's not contagious.
Copy !req
664. Now, just wait a cotton-picking minute!
A posse ain't no place for a...
Copy !req
665. Never mind.
Copy !req
666. Hold on there, little sister.
Copy !req
667. Someone's gonna have
to look after the town while I'm gone.
Copy !req
668. Can I gut-shoot someone?
Copy !req
669. Let's put a pin in that.
Copy !req
670. Sheriff, you're going to bring
that water back, aren't you?
Copy !req
671. Count on it, little sister.
Copy !req
672. - Which way do we go, Sheriff?
- There's tunnels everywhere.
Copy !req
673. Whole town's perforated with them.
Copy !req
674. She got more holes in her
than a painted lady on a porcupine.
Copy !req
675. Hey, my daddy took me to her place.
Copy !req
676. Not what I expected.
Copy !req
677. How'd them fellers
find the bank, anyway?
Copy !req
678. Gentlemen, if we can just
stay on task here.
Copy !req
679. Sheriff! Over here!
Copy !req
680. - Would you look at that?
- Like seeing the face of God.
Copy !req
681. Amen, brother.
Copy !req
682. I remember when it used to flow
every Wednesday.
Copy !req
683. Those were the halcyon days.
Copy !req
684. Must be a reason she quit on us.
Copy !req
685. Whatever the reason,
something is controlling this here water.
Copy !req
686. What do you say, Sheriff?
Copy !req
687. Clearly, the robbers came
from this direction.
Copy !req
688. I say we track this pipe
back to its hydraulic origin
Copy !req
689. and apprehend the culprits
behind this aquatic conundrum.
Copy !req
690. - What'd he say?
- I think he said follow the pipe.
Copy !req
691. - He said follow the pipe.
- He said follow the pipe.
Copy !req
692. Sure is humid down here.
Copy !req
693. Yeah, it's activating my piles.
Copy !req
694. I had a goiter removed once.
Copy !req
695. Looked like Tony Bennett
stepping out of the shower.
Copy !req
696. Shoot, I put that on a tortilla.
Copy !req
697. Whatever you do, do not look down.
Copy !req
698. - What is this place?
- It's an aquifer.
Copy !req
699. What's an aquifer?
Copy !req
700. Well, it's for aqua.
Copy !req
701. Well, it's empty now.
Copy !req
702. That's a big one.
Copy !req
703. - It's the end of the line.
- Don't go no further.
Copy !req
704. Well, now that there is a pipe.
It's got to be connected to something.
Copy !req
705. You talk too much.
Why don't you put a cork in it?
Copy !req
706. Why don't you put a cork...
Tell you where the sun don't shine.
Copy !req
707. Your mama did.
I'll cook her right up.
Copy !req
708. You two just don't get it, do you?
Copy !req
709. Someone or something
is messing with our hydration
Copy !req
710. and that pipe
has got something to do with it.
Copy !req
711. I thought
we was following bank robbers!
Copy !req
712. We're experiencing a paradigm shift.
Copy !req
713. I'm gonna shift the features on your face
if you don't shut up!
Copy !req
714. Go ahead and try!
Copy !req
715. Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling.
You're affecting my cogitation.
Copy !req
716. Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches.
Copy !req
717. Sure enough.
Copy !req
718. Smart thinking there, feller.
Copy !req
719. - Start climbing.
- Get your foot out of my face!
Copy !req
720. Not bad, huh, Beans?
Copy !req
721. You keep thinking like that,
your hat's gonna catch on fire.
Copy !req
722. Well, you know, you get on a roll,
you just...
Copy !req
723. Hot, hot! Burn.
Copy !req
724. Poor things.
All they wanted was a little water.
Copy !req
725. Cactus dying of thirst. It don't bode well.
Copy !req
726. - Hey, look what I found!
- What you got there?
Copy !req
727. - I saw that first!
- Hey, that's mine!
Copy !req
728. Give me that!
Copy !req
729. It's empty anyway.
Copy !req
730. I knew that.
Copy !req
731. Where'd you find that?
Copy !req
732. Sheriff! You're going to want to see this!
Copy !req
733. It's Mr. Merrimack from the bank.
Copy !req
734. What's he doing here?
Copy !req
735. - Everybody stand back.
- All right, let me see.
Copy !req
736. Looks like them varmints shot him
in the back.
Copy !req
737. No, this man wasn't shot.
He was drowned!
Copy !req
738. - Drowned?
- In the middle of the desert?
Copy !req
739. What a way to go.
Copy !req
740. Well, now, whose boot prints are those?
Copy !req
741. That's interesting.
The ground's still wet.
Copy !req
742. I suppose we should bury him.
Copy !req
743. I don't know. Birds got to eat, too.
Copy !req
744. Circle of life!
Copy !req
745. Sheriff.
Copy !req
746. Will you say a few words?
Copy !req
747. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
748. Dearly beloved.
Copy !req
749. We are gathered here today
to honor this man.
Copy !req
750. Mr. Merrimack,
Copy !req
751. you have the right to remain silent.
Copy !req
752. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Copy !req
753. Amen.
Copy !req
754. - Amen.
- Amen.
Copy !req
755. Hey! What's that dad-gum Indian doing?
Copy !req
756. I see you're consulting with the spirits.
Copy !req
757. No, I'm molting.
Means I'm ready to mate.
Copy !req
758. I'll keep that in mind.
Copy !req
759. Cactus fruit.
Copy !req
760. Ah, yes. The ancient cactus fruit.
Copy !req
761. I believe your people use it
as seasoning
Copy !req
762. when preparing your native dishes.
Copy !req
763. Also natural laxative.
Copy !req
764. Pick up trail.
Copy !req
765. Three men heading west.
One blind, one with
Copy !req
766. enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.
Copy !req
767. - What did he say?
- They're riding sidesaddle.
Copy !req
768. - We're whispering.
- What'd he say?
Copy !req
769. Someone's got a bad valve.
Copy !req
770. All right, which one of you fellers
needs a check-up?
Copy !req
771. Awkward.
Copy !req
772. What exactly are we going to do now?
Copy !req
773. Now we ride!
Copy !req
774. That means we're riding now!
This moment.
Copy !req
775. Marshmallows remind me
of going camping with my daddy.
Copy !req
776. I could eat them all night long.
Copy !req
777. Of course he did make me cough them
back up again for breakfast.
Copy !req
778. This one time,
I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
Copy !req
779. That ain't nothing.
I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies.
Copy !req
780. They started looking at me weird.
Copy !req
781. I remember them.
They was quite friendly.
Copy !req
782. I found a human spinal column
in my fecal matter once.
Copy !req
783. You might want to get that looked at.
Copy !req
784. Pass the beans, Beans.
Copy !req
785. - Sheriff?
- No, thanks.
Copy !req
786. Mr. Rango? Can you tell us
about the Spirit of the West?
Copy !req
787. - Yeah, tell us about that.
- Is it true what they say?
Copy !req
788. Yes, the Spirit of the West!
Copy !req
789. The eternally unattainable ideal.
Copy !req
790. They say he rides in
an alabaster carriage
Copy !req
791. with golden guardians to protect him.
Copy !req
792. But he only appears to those
who have undertaken an epic quest!
Copy !req
793. And have made it
Copy !req
794. to the other side.
Copy !req
795. The other side of what?
Copy !req
796. It's a metaphor.
Copy !req
797. My eye!
Copy !req
798. That's gonna heal right up.
Copy !req
799. Sheriff? What are you going to do
about Rattlesnake Jake?
Copy !req
800. What? Where?
Copy !req
801. Sorry about that. Word is
you come against him once or twice.
Copy !req
802. Yeah.
Copy !req
803. Jake. You mean my brother.
Copy !req
804. - Your brother?
- That's what I said!
Copy !req
805. But he's a snake and you're a lizard.
Copy !req
806. Well, Momma had an active social life.
Copy !req
807. Did he ever bite you?
Copy !req
808. Sure enough did. Look at that baby.
Go ahead, you can touch it.
Copy !req
809. That's interesting.
That there's a belly button.
Copy !req
810. Luckily, I'm immune to his venom.
Copy !req
811. Put some in my coffee
just to give it a little tang.
Copy !req
812. Is it true he's only scared
of them hawks?
Copy !req
813. Them's what we call
his natural predator.
Copy !req
814. All this talk of that serpentine devil
is putting my quills on edge!
Copy !req
815. I ain't sleeping tonight. No, sir.
Copy !req
816. Don't you all worry about a thing.
Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water
Copy !req
817. and return to a hero's welcome.
Copy !req
818. Friends, before we bunk down
Copy !req
819. I'd like us all to join hands
for a moment,
Copy !req
820. say a few words
to the Spirit of the West.
Copy !req
821. That's a good idea.
Copy !req
822. Ain't always spoken rightly to you,
Spirit of the West.
Copy !req
823. But tonight I want to thank you for
bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.
Copy !req
824. It's a hard life we got.
Copy !req
825. Sometimes I don't know how
we're gonna make it.
Copy !req
826. But somehow, Sheriff Rango
makes me think we will.
Copy !req
827. We needed a brave man
and you sent us one.
Copy !req
828. Nice to have someone
to believe in again.
Copy !req
829. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.
Copy !req
830. - Amen.
- Amen.
Copy !req
831. Just checking.
Copy !req
832. - It's a little cold tonight.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
833. You ever feel like those things
are looking at you?
Copy !req
834. That's a Spanish dagger.
Copy !req
835. But around here,
we just call them the Walking Cactus.
Copy !req
836. Walking?
Copy !req
837. There's an old legend they actually
walk across the desert to find water.
Copy !req
838. When I was a little girl, I'd stay up late
watching them, to see if they'd move.
Copy !req
839. I thought if I could follow them,
they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.
Copy !req
840. Someplace with enough water
for everyone.
Copy !req
841. Night after night, I watched them.
I never saw them move.
Copy !req
842. But you're still watching.
Copy !req
843. Who doesn't want to find
someplace wonderful?
Copy !req
844. We'll find the water, Beans.
I promise you.
Copy !req
845. That's such a lonely sound.
Copy !req
846. You ever get lonely?
Copy !req
847. Sometimes.
Copy !req
848. I can't imagine it. You're such a charmer
and everyone likes you so much.
Copy !req
849. - I never made friends easy like that.
- No?
Copy !req
850. No, we're pretty isolated
out there on the ranch,
Copy !req
851. sort of like being sealed up
in a little box.
Copy !req
852. Don't really see a lot of folks.
Copy !req
853. I wouldn't know what that's like.
Copy !req
854. There someone special
in your life, Rango?
Copy !req
855. There used to be.
But she couldn't keep her head.
Copy !req
856. Besides, my life's too dangerous
for that kind of thing.
Copy !req
857. You know, it's an awful solitary
existence out there on the prairie.
Copy !req
858. Riding the ranges and the suchlike.
Copy !req
859. Beans?
Copy !req
860. I'm gonna skin you alive, boy! I'm gonna
whup you like a red-headed stepchild!
Copy !req
861. Choleric varmints, ain't they?
Copy !req
862. Dysfunctional family. Need intervention.
Copy !req
863. What's that coming?
Copy !req
864. It's the water.
Copy !req
865. I have a plan, and each and every one
of you has a part to play.
Copy !req
866. What do I do?
Copy !req
867. Spoons, you got
the most important job of all.
Copy !req
868. You stay up here on the ridge,
and if anything goes wrong,
Copy !req
869. you give the signal.
Copy !req
870. Hey, Beans.
What size dress you wearing?
Copy !req
871. - He got it!
- Hallelujah!
Copy !req
872. - He found the water!
- You did it, son.
Copy !req
873. Well, actually...
Copy !req
874. Why can't you be all brainy
like your brother?
Copy !req
875. Pappy, about that water.
There's something I gots to tell you.
Copy !req
876. Hush up, now. Somebody's coming.
Copy !req
877. Good sirs, gracious good afternoon
to thee and thee and thee.
Copy !req
878. May I present Madame Lupone's
Copy !req
879. Terpsichorean Troupe
of Travelling Thespians!
Copy !req
880. - What is that?
- I think they's thespians.
Copy !req
881. Thespians?
That's illegal in seven states!
Copy !req
882. The stage is set. The princess
prepares to take her own life.
Copy !req
883. I yearn for love.
Copy !req
884. Meanwhile, the lone sentry
stands watch at the castle gate.
Copy !req
885. Stands watch at the castle gate...
Copy !req
886. Hark! Who goes there?
Copy !req
887. This plot is highly predictable.
Copy !req
888. Quiet! This is my favorite part.
Copy !req
889. Arriving to great fanfare
'twas her aged father,
Copy !req
890. strucketh by Cupid.
Copy !req
891. Prithee, unhand my fair daughter
Copy !req
892. and reach for the...
Copy !req
893. - Line?
- "Reach for the sky!"
Copy !req
894. What was that?
Copy !req
895. Must be that immersive theatre.
Copy !req
896. We got you surrounded!
Copy !req
897. You and your entire family get
your hands up where I can see them.
Copy !req
898. My entire family?
Copy !req
899. Grits and spit and collard greens
Copy !req
900. Waffle chitlins, monkey brains
Copy !req
901. Refried bones and booger blood
Copy !req
902. Pickled eggs and flaps of mud
Copy !req
903. It's a full house.
Copy !req
904. Looks like we're gonna have ourselves
a good old-fashioned standoff.
Copy !req
905. I'll have you know, you're not looking
at our entire contingent.
Copy !req
906. What's that supposed to be?
Copy !req
907. That's the signal.
Copy !req
908. That's the signal!
Something must have gone wrong!
Copy !req
909. So something's supposed to happen?
Copy !req
910. I am open to suggestions.
Copy !req
911. Run!
Copy !req
912. Get on the wagon!
Copy !req
913. Should we have ourselves
some sport, chill'ens?
Copy !req
914. I likes it when they run.
Copy !req
915. Maybelle, give the holler!
Copy !req
916. Looks like we made it!
Copy !req
917. That audience was quite responsive.
Copy !req
918. Yeah, well, I think that
chromosome pool is about dried up.
Copy !req
919. We got bats!
Copy !req
920. Here! You drive.
Copy !req
921. Looks like there's gonna be
soup tonight!
Copy !req
922. Come on, let's get some!
Copy !req
923. What in tarnation?
Don't shoot the water!
Copy !req
924. Jedidiah! It's time for
the Alabama squeeze box!
Copy !req
925. Okay, Pa!
Copy !req
926. I am sensing hostility.
Copy !req
927. Incoming!
Copy !req
928. Hello!
Copy !req
929. Goodbye!
Copy !req
930. Lasso that swine!
Copy !req
931. I suggest we take evasive action!
Copy !req
932. I suggest you shut up and shoot!
Copy !req
933. - What happened to the Sheriff?
- He had a previous engagement!
Copy !req
934. Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!
Copy !req
935. What was that? Go check it out!
Copy !req
936. What is it? Is there a problem?
Copy !req
937. You could call it that.
Copy !req
938. Headache.
Copy !req
939. Is that all you got?
Copy !req
940. That wasn't altogether unpleasant!
Copy !req
941. Eat lead!
Copy !req
942. Here, hold these.
Copy !req
943. Get your hands off me!
Copy !req
944. Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
945. Jump!
Copy !req
946. It's impossible.
Copy !req
947. It can't be. It's empty.
Copy !req
948. There's no water!
Copy !req
949. No water?
Then what the hell we been fighting for?
Copy !req
950. Sir, you have defiled and desecrated
the very sustenance of our livelihood!
Copy !req
951. I think that there fella in the purty dress
is the Sheriff.
Copy !req
952. That's the same fellow what give us
a prospecting permit?
Copy !req
953. - A what?
- Irrelevant! Obfuscation.
Copy !req
954. You and your kin are under arrest
for bank robbery
Copy !req
955. and the murder
of our beloved financial advisor
Copy !req
956. Johannes Merrimack the Third,
AKA, Fluffy Joe.
Copy !req
957. Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody.
Copy !req
958. We done tunneled into that vault,
but there weren't nothing in it.
Copy !req
959. Somebody done robbed that bank
before we robbed it.
Copy !req
960. Then where'd you get this here jug?
Copy !req
961. That's what I been trying
to tell you, Pappy.
Copy !req
962. I found it in the desert.
Copy !req
963. Then why in tarnation
did you bring it here?
Copy !req
964. Hold on! You're saying this here jug
was empty when you found it?
Copy !req
965. That's right.
Copy !req
966. I don't believe a word of it.
Copy !req
967. - Let's hang them, Sheriff!
- String them up!
Copy !req
968. Who'd dump water in the desert?
Copy !req
969. Wouldn't be the first time.
Copy !req
970. It's a puzzle!
It's like a big old mammogram!
Copy !req
971. What's going on, Sheriff?
Copy !req
972. I don't know.
Copy !req
973. But I'm going to strip away this mystery
and expose its private parts.
Copy !req
974. You and your kin are coming with me.
Copy !req
975. They're coming!
Copy !req
976. Here they come!
Copy !req
977. Looks like they got them robbers.
Copy !req
978. Where's the water?
Copy !req
979. There weren't no water.
Copy !req
980. Where is he going?
Copy !req
981. He's going to see the Mayor.
Copy !req
982. He's got to be pleased with that.
Copy !req
983. That's a good one, boss!
Copy !req
984. That's interesting.
Copy !req
985. I do apologize for the shoes, Mr. Rango,
Copy !req
986. but there's a certain protocol
to this game, you understand.
Copy !req
987. I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.
Copy !req
988. Well, that's good, 'cause you got
a few questions to answer
Copy !req
989. and I've got my own protocol.
Copy !req
990. But why would anyone dump water
in the blooming desert?
Copy !req
991. It does seem a bit naïve, taking the word
of admitted bank robbers.
Copy !req
992. Besides, once they hang,
your job is done.
Copy !req
993. - Bravo!
- Job well done.
Copy !req
994. But what if somebody did rob the bank
before they got there?
Copy !req
995. And who would do that, Mr. Rango?
Copy !req
996. I was hoping you could tell me.
Copy !req
997. That sounds marginally
near to an accusation.
Copy !req
998. Take it any way you like.
Copy !req
999. Something you said keeps rattling
around in my frontal lobe.
Copy !req
1000. What's that?
Copy !req
1001. "Control the water
and you control everything."
Copy !req
1002. Come now, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
1003. You attribute divine power to me.
Copy !req
1004. How on earth
could I possibly control the water?
Copy !req
1005. You've obviously mastered this game.
Copy !req
1006. Well, I've been playing it
for many years, sir.
Copy !req
1007. I was here before the highway split
this great valley.
Copy !req
1008. I watched the march of progress,
Copy !req
1009. and I learned a thing or two.
Copy !req
1010. Perhaps it's time you started
to take the long view,
Copy !req
1011. begin to appreciate
the broad sweep of history.
Copy !req
1012. Look out there, son.
Copy !req
1013. You can almost see time passing.
Copy !req
1014. What are you building out here?
Copy !req
1015. The future, Mr. Rango, the future.
Copy !req
1016. One day soon,
all this is going to fade into myth,
Copy !req
1017. the frontier town, the lawman,
the gunslinger.
Copy !req
1018. There's just no place
for them any more.
Copy !req
1019. - We're civilized now.
- That's right, civilized.
Copy !req
1020. That's what the future holds.
Copy !req
1021. You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.
Copy !req
1022. Is that what happened to
Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Copy !req
1023. Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget
you're just one little lizard.
Copy !req
1024. You seem to forget
I'm the law around these parts.
Copy !req
1025. Our new sheriff has been
playing the hero for so long,
Copy !req
1026. he's actually starting to believe it.
Copy !req
1027. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
Copy !req
1028. But Jake's the Grim Reaper.
Copy !req
1029. He never leaves
without taking a blooming soul.
Copy !req
1030. Do it!
Copy !req
1031. Now be still. You gotta look
presentable to meet your maker.
Copy !req
1032. Death has arrived
Copy !req
1033. How will the hero survive?
Copy !req
1034. The Mayor has bought up
all the land in the valley,
Copy !req
1035. except for your ranch, Miss Beans.
Copy !req
1036. That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.
Copy !req
1037. Unless he controls the water.
Copy !req
1038. Like a monkey's bladder!
Copy !req
1039. Then he could bring it back
once he's bought up all the land.
Copy !req
1040. But how does he control the water?
Copy !req
1041. Well, you gotta spend some time
and train them.
Copy !req
1042. 'Cause you know monkeys, when
they do go, you rub their nose in it.
Copy !req
1043. Sheriff, we got a problem.
Copy !req
1044. Hold on, Beans.
That won't be necessary.
Copy !req
1045. - Hang him till his head turns blue!
- Give us them robbers!
Copy !req
1046. Hold on! Calm down, everyone!
Let me talk!
Copy !req
1047. - Nail them to the courthouse!
- Now, calm down, everybody.
Copy !req
1048. Get them out here
so we can cut off their giblets!
Copy !req
1049. You, too, Spoons?
Copy !req
1050. They done taken that water.
They taken everything we got!
Copy !req
1051. No one's stringing anyone up.
Not while I'm sheriff.
Copy !req
1052. But this is all his fault!
Copy !req
1053. You said you's gonna
bring the water back.
Copy !req
1054. It's just, we got no hope
without that water.
Copy !req
1055. We got nothing left to believe in.
Copy !req
1056. You see that sign up there?
Copy !req
1057. As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"
Copy !req
1058. you can believe that there's
law and order in this town.
Copy !req
1059. But without law and order,
ruminate on that. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1060. Starts out slow, like a fungus.
Copy !req
1061. Somebody says a cross word.
Accusations start flying.
Copy !req
1062. Neighbor turns on neighbor.
Pretty soon, we're eating our children!
Copy !req
1063. And then dogs and cats
are getting together
Copy !req
1064. to create all sorts of unnatural
mutant aberrations!
Copy !req
1065. So, you want something
to believe in, Spoons?
Copy !req
1066. Believe in me.
Copy !req
1067. Believe in that there sign.
Copy !req
1068. For as long as it hangs there,
we got hope.
Copy !req
1069. Hello, brother.
Copy !req
1070. Thirsty?
Copy !req
1071. Long time, brother.
How you been keeping?
Copy !req
1072. Well, you know...
Copy !req
1073. I hear you been telling about how
you killed all them Jenkins brothers.
Copy !req
1074. With one bullet, wasn't it?
Copy !req
1075. Isn't that right?
Copy !req
1076. All these good folks here
believe your little stories, don't they?
Copy !req
1077. Why, they believe you're just
a stone killer, don't they?
Copy !req
1078. Seems these folks trust you.
Copy !req
1079. They think you're gonna save
their little town.
Copy !req
1080. They think you're gonna save
their little souls!
Copy !req
1081. But we know better, don't we?
Copy !req
1082. So why don't you show your friends here
what you're made of?
Copy !req
1083. Show them who you really are.
Copy !req
1084. Why don't you just pull your gun
and shoot me?
Copy !req
1085. But, of course, you won't need all these.
Copy !req
1086. Just one, right?
Copy !req
1087. Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.
Copy !req
1088. You got killer in your eyes, son?
Copy !req
1089. I don't see it.
Copy !req
1090. You didn't do any of them things
you said, did you?
Copy !req
1091. You didn't kill them Jenkins brothers.
You ain't even from the West!
Copy !req
1092. Are you?
Copy !req
1093. - Say it!
- No.
Copy !req
1094. Speak up.
I don't think your friends here heard you.
Copy !req
1095. No.
Copy !req
1096. All you've done is lie
to these good people.
Copy !req
1097. You ain't nothing but a fake
and a coward. Isn't that right?
Copy !req
1098. Yes.
Copy !req
1099. - Louder!
- Yes.
Copy !req
1100. Listen close, you pathetic fraud.
Copy !req
1101. This is my town now.
Copy !req
1102. If I ever see you again, I will take
your soul straight down to hell!
Copy !req
1103. Who are you?
Copy !req
1104. Who am I?
Copy !req
1105. I'm nobody.
Copy !req
1106. Golden guardians.
Copy !req
1107. The alabaster carriage.
Copy !req
1108. The Spirit of the West.
Copy !req
1109. Excuse me? Mister Spirit, sir?
Copy !req
1110. There's a beaut. Sometimes you got to
dig deep to find what you're looking for.
Copy !req
1111. So you made it.
Copy !req
1112. Is this heaven?
Copy !req
1113. If it were, we'd be eating Pop-Tarts
with Kim Novak.
Copy !req
1114. Yeah.
Copy !req
1115. No kidding.
What are you doing out here?
Copy !req
1116. Searching, same as you.
Copy !req
1117. I don't even know
what I'm looking for any more.
Copy !req
1118. I don't even know who I am.
Copy !req
1119. They used to call you
the Man with No Name.
Copy !req
1120. These days they got a name
for just about everything.
Copy !req
1121. Doesn't matter what they call you.
It's the deeds make the man.
Copy !req
1122. Yeah, but my deeds just made things
worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney!
Copy !req
1123. My friends believed in me,
but they need some kind of hero.
Copy !req
1124. Then be a hero.
Copy !req
1125. No. No, no, you don't understand.
I'm not even supposed to be here.
Copy !req
1126. That's right. You came a long way
to find something that isn't out here.
Copy !req
1127. Don't you see? It's not about you.
Copy !req
1128. It's about them.
Copy !req
1129. But I can't go back.
Copy !req
1130. Don't know that you got a choice, son.
Copy !req
1131. No man can walk out on his own story.
Copy !req
1132. So you made it.
Copy !req
1133. That's right, amigo.
The other side of the road.
Copy !req
1134. Did you just see that?
Copy !req
1135. We each see what we need to see.
Copy !req
1136. Beautiful, isn't it?
Copy !req
1137. Yeah.
Copy !req
1138. It is.
Copy !req
1139. Come, my friend.
I want to show you something.
Copy !req
1140. Many years ago,
this entire valley was covered in agua.
Copy !req
1141. Now only one question remains.
Copy !req
1142. Where did it go?
Copy !req
1143. They follow the water.
Copy !req
1144. They follow the water! Come on!
Copy !req
1145. That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.
Copy !req
1146. What are you building out here?
Copy !req
1147. The future, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
1148. You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.
Copy !req
1149. I was here before the highway split
this great valley.
Copy !req
1150. I watched the march of progress
Copy !req
1151. and I learned a thing or two.
Copy !req
1152. Control the water
Copy !req
1153. and you control everything.
Copy !req
1154. Come now, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
1155. You attribute divine power to me.
Copy !req
1156. How on earth
could I possibly control the water?
Copy !req
1157. What now, amigo?
Copy !req
1158. No man can walk out on his own story.
Copy !req
1159. I'm going back.
Copy !req
1160. But why?
Copy !req
1161. Because that's who I am.
Copy !req
1162. You got a lot of nerve showing up here,
lawman. What is it you want?
Copy !req
1163. Your pappy and them boys are about
to hang for something they didn't do.
Copy !req
1164. But I've got a plan.
Copy !req
1165. I appreciate how difficult
this is for you, Beans.
Copy !req
1166. But you're making a practical decision.
Copy !req
1167. Decisions, decisions.
Copy !req
1168. There's no need for any more suffering.
Copy !req
1169. Your family's ranch is nothing
but a wasteland now.
Copy !req
1170. Sign the deed and relieve yourself
of your father's burden.
Copy !req
1171. My daddy was not a burden!
Copy !req
1172. Keep your blood money
and I'll keep my land!
Copy !req
1173. Do what he says or,
by all the fires of the black pit,
Copy !req
1174. I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes
out of your skull!
Copy !req
1175. Now, hold on, Jake.
There's no need to...
Copy !req
1176. Let me do my job! You brought me in.
Copy !req
1177. Now we're gonna play this thing
out to the end!
Copy !req
1178. Sign the damn paper, woman!
Copy !req
1179. Go to hell!
Copy !req
1180. Where do you think I come from?
Copy !req
1181. Look into my eyes.
Copy !req
1182. I want to see you die.
Copy !req
1183. Jake!
Copy !req
1184. I'm calling you out!
Copy !req
1185. Jake!
Copy !req
1186. This day
just got a little more interesting.
Copy !req
1187. Put her down.
Copy !req
1188. Or what, little man?
You going to kill me?
Copy !req
1189. That's just about the size of it.
Copy !req
1190. - Get your filthy paws off me!
- Shut your gob!
Copy !req
1191. All right, Sheriff, make your move.
Copy !req
1192. Now, amigos!
Copy !req
1193. - Heave! Heave!
- Heave! Heave!
Copy !req
1194. That was a bad idea.
Copy !req
1195. Thirsty, brother?
Copy !req
1196. Here it comes!
Copy !req
1197. No. No!
Copy !req
1198. It's a miracle!
Copy !req
1199. Look out!
Copy !req
1200. - Lookee there!
- What is that?
Copy !req
1201. It's our salvation, Pa!
Copy !req
1202. It's a jailbreak, boys! We're busting out!
Copy !req
1203. I'm gonna blow so many holes in you,
your guts'll be leaking lead!
Copy !req
1204. Well, then
it's a good thing I brought some backup.
Copy !req
1205. What?
Copy !req
1206. Ain't no hawk.
Copy !req
1207. Ain't nothing but bats!
Copy !req
1208. Stick to the plan, boys!
Let's bleed that devil dry!
Copy !req
1209. It only takes one bullet.
Copy !req
1210. You ain't got the nerve.
Copy !req
1211. Try me.
Copy !req
1212. Oh, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
1213. Aren't you forgetting something?
Copy !req
1214. Hand me your gun, Sheriff.
Copy !req
1215. Now, Mr. Rango.
Copy !req
1216. Beans! Hold on.
Don't worry, I got a plan.
Copy !req
1217. Help!
Copy !req
1218. Open the door!
Copy !req
1219. Okay, plan B.
Copy !req
1220. Beans, you're mumbling.
Copy !req
1221. All my problems taken care of
except for one.
Copy !req
1222. It's a new West, Jake.
Copy !req
1223. There's no room for gunslingers
any more. We're businessmen now.
Copy !req
1224. Yeah, we got new hats.
Copy !req
1225. Where I come from,
we call this improvisation.
Copy !req
1226. You came back.
Copy !req
1227. What was that?
Copy !req
1228. No need to panic,
but I think you just swallowed plan B.
Copy !req
1229. What?
Copy !req
1230. Okay, panic time.
Copy !req
1231. You and the Sheriff are more alike
than you think.
Copy !req
1232. You're nothing but legends.
Copy !req
1233. Pretty soon,
no one will believe you even existed.
Copy !req
1234. One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.
Copy !req
1235. How fitting.
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1236. Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together,
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1237. we can reach a mutually beneficial
solution to our current situation.
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1238. You better take it up with him.
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1239. One bullet.
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1240. I tip my hat to you,
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1241. one legend to another.
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1242. What was that you said?
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1243. "Pretty soon,
no one will believe you even existed."
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1244. No, Jake! No!
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1245. Rango!
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1246. You brought the water back,
just like you promised.
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1247. You really are a hero.
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1248. Well, the thing about heroes is,
whenever you...
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1249. Don't spoil it.
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1250. Right.
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1251. Well, I don't know about you all,
but I could sure go for a dip.
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1252. And so the lizard completes his journey
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1253. from humble beginnings
to the legend we sing of today.
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1254. And although he is certain to die,
perhaps from a household accident,
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1255. which account
for 65% of all unnatural deaths,
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1256. the people of the village
will honor his memory
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1257. even as they abandon their dignity.
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1258. - I'm going in.
- How about a cold one, there?
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1259. Water ain't money. Money is money.
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1260. - Well, I ain't got no...
- We're talking hard cash.
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1261. We have a problem.
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1262. Who let Snuggles in the pool again?
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1263. I really think you complete me.
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1264. Prithee, unhand my fair maiden.
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1265. - Cut. Cut. Everybody, take five.
- How can you keep missing your mark?
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1266. What's my motivation?
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1267. Oh, you kids.
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1268. What did you do that for?
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1269. I was just checking.
I hear if you get too sunburnt,
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1270. you can peel a man's face right off.
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1271. - What is it?
- That there's some human spleen.
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1272. Don't touch it.
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1273. That's the second time
that's happened to me.
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1274. This water thing's great.
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1275. I'm urinating right now.
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1276. Adult swim, next five minutes.
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1277. Stay between the buoys.
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1278. I packed your lunch. Danish is in there
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1279. and I picked the raisins out
just the way you like it.
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1280. Don't forget, your nasal spray is
in your saddle-bag...
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1281. - Beans!
- ... and your moisturizing lotion...
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1282. - Now, Beans! We've talked about this.
- Lotion?
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1283. That's for my gun. That's gun lotion.
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1284. Sheriff, where are you headed?
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1285. There's trouble down a dry creek.
Bad Bill's been acting up again.
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1286. Now, honey, you come back
with all your digits.
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1287. And don't go trying to be a hero.
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1288. Beans, you are missing the point.
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1289. I got an image to protect now.
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1290. Where's my Tic Tacs?
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1291. - I found them.
- What's going on?
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1292. Well, in order to satisfy the needs
of the collective,
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1293. the hero must abandon the self
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1294. and solidify his image as an icon
that will forever be remembered.
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1295. So, this is the sunset shot.
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1296. Give them a good one, amigo.
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1297. Ready, Excelsior?
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1298. My fellow comrades.
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1299. There will be times
when you doubt yourself.
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1300. When you feel pummeled
by the cataclysms of life,
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1301. remember this moment.
Remember me.
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1302. Know that I will be there watching you,
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1303. sometimes at inappropriate moments.
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1304. That's part of the deal.
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1305. And remember, within all of us resides
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1306. the true Spirit of the...
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1307. Let's take it from the top.
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