1. We are gathered here today
to immortalize in songCopy !req
2. the life and untimely death
of a great legend.Copy !req
3. - Rango.
- So sit back, relax,Copy !req
4. and enjoy your low-calorie popcorn
and assorted confectionsCopy !req
5. while we tell you the strange
and bewildering tale of a heroCopy !req
6. who has yet to enter his own story.Copy !req
7. Crunchy, creamy, cookie,
candy, cupcake.Copy !req
8. Okay, everybody,
let's take it from the top.Copy !req
9. The stage is set,
the night moist with apprehension.Copy !req
10. Alone in her chamber, the princess
prepares to take her own life.Copy !req
11. "It is far better to nourish worms
than to live without love."Copy !req
12. She reaches for the poisoned chalice.Copy !req
13. Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio
plots his ascension to the throneCopy !req
14. while her ageing father lies gravely ill.Copy !req
15. "Yes, I am gravely ill."Copy !req
16. "Hark, who goes there?"Copy !req
17. 'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero,Copy !req
18. returning to rescue
his emotionally unstable maiden!Copy !req
19. Unhand her, you jailers of virtue,Copy !req
20. or taste the bitter sting
of my vengeance!Copy !req
21. The sting of my...Copy !req
22. Dr. Marx?Copy !req
23. Dr. Marx,
I'm not getting anything from you.Copy !req
24. People, we've talked about this.
Acting is reacting.Copy !req
25. Victor, you were wooden!
There, I said it.Copy !req
26. Mr. Timms? You were good.Copy !req
27. Perhaps a little too good.Copy !req
28. What's that, Victor? My character's
undefined? That's absurd.Copy !req
29. I know who I am.
I'm the guy, the protagonist, the hero.Copy !req
30. Every story needs a hero.
I mean, who else is better qualifiedCopy !req
31. to bask in the adulation
of his numerous companions?Copy !req
32. The stage is waiting.Copy !req
33. The audience thirsts for adventure.Copy !req
34. Who am I?Copy !req
35. I could be anyone.Copy !req
36. I could be the sea cap'n
returning from a mighty voyageCopy !req
37. to reclaim his mechanical arm!Copy !req
38. Or I could be the rogue anthropologist,
battling pythons down in the Congo!Copy !req
39. Down, Chongo, down!Copy !req
40. And if you desire romance,Copy !req
41. I will become the greatest lover
the world has ever known!Copy !req
42. I couldn't help but notice you
noticing me noticing you.Copy !req
43. You know, the womens find me
uncomfortably good looking.Copy !req
44. But you seem remarkably at ease.Copy !req
45. Stop it. No, really.Copy !req
46. Well, if you must. What are you doing?Copy !req
47. That tickles. Are those real?Copy !req
48. That's it! Conflict.Copy !req
49. Victor, you were right.
I have been undefined.Copy !req
50. People, I've had an epiphany.
The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!Copy !req
51. What our story needs is an ironic,
unexpected eventCopy !req
52. that will propel the hero into conflict!Copy !req
53. Mr. Timms?Copy !req
54. That's right! You!Copy !req
55. Don't be shy. Come on.Copy !req
56. It's okay.Copy !req
57. That's it, a little closer.Copy !req
58. Good.Copy !req
59. I won't bite you.Copy !req
60. I need a little help here.Copy !req
61. Are you okay?Copy !req
62. I must get to the other side.Copy !req
63. The other side? You mean, just now,
that was you crossing the road?Copy !req
64. That's why the...Copy !req
65. Why'd you do that?Copy !req
66. This is my quest. He waits for me.Copy !req
67. What? Who?Copy !req
68. The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one.Copy !req
69. They say he rides an alabaster carriage
with golden guardians to protect him.Copy !req
70. What are you talking about?Copy !req
71. Enlightenment.
We are nothing without it.Copy !req
72. Nothing? Your delusional quest
just ruined my life!Copy !req
73. I had an incredibly complex
social network going!Copy !req
74. Highly sophisticated friends!
I was very popular!Copy !req
75. Friends? I don't see no friends.Copy !req
76. You are a very lonely lizard.Copy !req
77. Look, I need water, hydration.
My teeth are chapped.Copy !req
78. I need lotion.
I'm down to one layer of skin already.Copy !req
79. Pretty soon,
I'm going to start seeing my insides.Copy !req
80. Not unlike what you've got going there.Copy !req
81. Listen, I can't survive
in the desert, okay?Copy !req
82. I... I don't belong here.Copy !req
83. That may be true, but here you are.Copy !req
84. Now help me up
and I will help you find what you seek.Copy !req
85. - You will?
- And perhaps more.Copy !req
86. Quickly. I must get back to my quest.Copy !req
87. - You mean you've done this before?
- Yes. Many times.Copy !req
88. Come, come. That's it, pull my finger.Copy !req
89. The Spirit is waiting for me.Copy !req
90. Okay, okay.Copy !req
91. Okay. That's not going to work.Copy !req
92. I must get to the other side.Copy !req
93. Why don't you just wait
until there are no cars coming?Copy !req
94. It's not so easy as it looks.Copy !req
95. What?Copy !req
96. Is a metaphor.Copy !req
97. There's another one!Copy !req
98. I knew it.Copy !req
99. You need a little help, amigo?Copy !req
100. I think the metaphor broke my spleen.Copy !req
101. The path to knowledge
is fraught with consequence.Copy !req
102. I'm just looking for the path to water.Copy !req
103. If you want to find water,
you must first find Dirt.Copy !req
104. Dirt.Copy !req
105. Destiny, she is kind to you.Copy !req
106. Tomorrow is Wednesday.
The water comes.Copy !req
107. At noon, the townspeople gather
for a mysterious ritual.Copy !req
108. A town? You mean, with real people
and everything? Where?Copy !req
109. A day's journey. Follow your shadow.Copy !req
110. You want me to just walk out
into the desert?Copy !req
111. That's the way.Copy !req
112. Okay. So you're sayingCopy !req
113. there's a town, a real town,
not a metaphor town.Copy !req
114. Go on. It's okay.Copy !req
115. Okay.Copy !req
116. Well, then, I'm going.Copy !req
117. I am leaving the road now!Copy !req
118. I'm walking into the desert!Copy !req
119. Alone!Copy !req
120. We all have our journeys to make!Copy !req
121. I will see you on the other side.Copy !req
122. Welcome, amigoCopy !req
123. To the land without endCopy !req
124. The desert and deathCopy !req
125. Are the closest of friendsCopy !req
126. We sing of his courageCopy !req
127. In magnificent songCopy !req
128. But pay close attentionCopy !req
129. He won't be here longCopy !req
130. As the birds pluck his eyes
The sun bleaches his bonesCopy !req
131. See his entrails get scattered
Watch him lose his cojonesCopy !req
132. Here in the Mojave Desert,Copy !req
133. animals have had millions of years
to adapt to the harsh environment.Copy !req
134. But the lizard? He is going to die.Copy !req
135. "Four score and seven years ago,
our fathers..."Copy !req
136. - Don't move.
- What?Copy !req
137. - Don't move!
- Not moving.Copy !req
138. Not moving.Copy !req
139. Try to blend in.Copy !req
140. Blend in? What do you mean?Copy !req
141. Blend in.Copy !req
142. What are you saying?Copy !req
143. - Too late.
- No, no. It's not too late!Copy !req
144. I'm blending! I'm a blender!Copy !req
145. Hey, calm down! What are you doing?Copy !req
146. Stop moving!Copy !req
147. Try not to look conspicuous.Copy !req
148. - What are you doing?
- I'm blending.Copy !req
149. - Go blend somewhere else.
- Don't distract me.Copy !req
150. - No room at the inn.
- It's an art, not a science.Copy !req
151. - Find your own hiding place.
- No, this is good.Copy !req
152. Here she comes! You better run, Mojito!Copy !req
153. - What? I thought you said, "Don't move."
- That was before. Now, you run.Copy !req
154. Oh, hey. Proboscis.Copy !req
155. Testy.Copy !req
156. Please, no, please. I have vertigo!
My glands are swelling!Copy !req
157. Please, no.Copy !req
158. You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard!Copy !req
159. Get out of there.
I'm going to strangle your huevos!Copy !req
160. Big bird! Big bird!Copy !req
161. No, wait! Come back! I was just kidding!Copy !req
162. - Come on, we're friends, right?
- I don't know you!Copy !req
163. - Lizards, frogs...
- Find your own hiding place!Copy !req
164. - We're practically related!
- No room at the inn!Copy !req
165. - Come on, move over!
- You're not my friend!Copy !req
166. I'll let you kiss my sister!Copy !req
167. You son of a...Copy !req
168. Where are your friends now, amigo?Copy !req
169. Get your slimy-webbed phalanges
off my boots!Copy !req
170. Sorry.Copy !req
171. I got a bead on you, stranger.
So you get up real slowCopy !req
172. lessen you want to spend the better partCopy !req
173. of the afternoon
putting your face back together!Copy !req
174. - No, ma'am, I don't.
- Who are you?Copy !req
175. - Who am I?
- I'm asking the questions here!Copy !req
176. Our town is drying up.
We're in the middle of a drought.Copy !req
177. Now someone's dumping water
in the desert!Copy !req
178. It's a puzzle of undeterminable size
and dimension,Copy !req
179. but I intend to find out
what role you playing in all this.Copy !req
180. - Role?
- What are you involved in?Copy !req
181. Well, I'm glad you asked.Copy !req
182. I've got two one-acts, a mystery
and a musical I've been gestating.Copy !req
183. I got the words, I'm just working on
the melody right now. It's like a...Copy !req
184. I think it's gonna be a western.Copy !req
185. A monkey got a cracker
His mother was a slapperCopy !req
186. She'll be coming 'round the mountain
in the rainCopy !req
187. You ain't from around here, are you?Copy !req
188. I'm still working on it.Copy !req
189. So, what's your name?Copy !req
190. - Beans.
- That's a funny kind of name.Copy !req
191. What can I say?
My daddy plumb loved baked beans.Copy !req
192. Well, you're lucky
he didn't plumb love asparagus.Copy !req
193. What are you saying?Copy !req
194. I mean,
I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself,Copy !req
195. but I'm not sure that a child
would appreciate the moniker.Copy !req
196. My daddy was a great man, even if
he did exhibit a proclivity for legumes.Copy !req
197. - Spicy.
- You're eating his ashes!Copy !req
198. You carry his remains?Copy !req
199. No, his ashes. He loved to smoke.
They never found the body.Copy !req
200. Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.Copy !req
201. - What are you implying?
- Nothing.Copy !req
202. My daddy was never near
that mine shaft.Copy !req
203. He'd been sober for over a month!Copy !req
204. And for you to insinuate that he would
abandon his parental responsibilitiesCopy !req
205. at a delicate time in my personal
development is an affront to my sense...Copy !req
206. Miss Beans?Copy !req
207. Miss Beans? Hello?Copy !req
208. Hello?Copy !req
209. And until the people of Andromeda FiveCopy !req
210. return him safe and sound,
I will not sell my ranch!Copy !req
211. - What... What are you doing?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
212. - What am I doing?
- You're cuddling me.Copy !req
213. - You were frozen.
- I was not.Copy !req
214. Yes, you were. You stopped talking.Copy !req
215. It's a defense mechanism.
Actually, lots of lizards have it.Copy !req
216. You're making that up.Copy !req
217. So, you gonna die out here,
or you want a ride into town?Copy !req
218. No, no, no. Yeah. No. Yes, please.
Thank you. Sorry.Copy !req
219. Today's Wednesday.
Wednesday's when we all get to it.Copy !req
220. So who are you, really?Copy !req
221. Well, I'm a man of many epithets.Copy !req
222. There's my stage name, my pen name,
my avatar.Copy !req
223. I had a pseudonym once,
but I had it legally changed.Copy !req
224. And so the stranger,
seeking companionship,Copy !req
225. finds the woman,
much like the sirens of ancient timesCopy !req
226. luring him to his certain demise.Copy !req
227. nom de plume, I have a CB handle.Copy !req
228. I'm actually one of the few men
with a maiden name.Copy !req
229. Whoa! Well, here we are.Copy !req
230. Right.Copy !req
231. Well, I sure do appreciate this,
Miss Beans,Copy !req
232. - and if there's ever anything that I...
- Get on up!Copy !req
233. Okay, then!Copy !req
234. See you, Beans.Copy !req
235. You heading out, Jim?Copy !req
236. Well, we gave it our best shot.
We had to sell out.Copy !req
237. Can't grow no crops without no water.Copy !req
238. Bye, now!Copy !req
239. What is it?Copy !req
240. What was that for?Copy !req
241. You're funny looking.Copy !req
242. Oh, yeah?
Well, you're funny looking, too.Copy !req
243. - That's a funny-looking shirt.
- That's a funny-looking dress.Copy !req
244. - You got funny-looking eyes!
- You got a funny-looking face!Copy !req
245. You're a stranger.
Strangers don't last long here.Copy !req
246. Here's your beans, Beans.Copy !req
247. I'm gonna need some more feed, too,
Willie.Copy !req
248. Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts
already. I can't give you more credit.Copy !req
249. But I'll have what I owe you at noon.Copy !req
250. You don't understand. It's Mr. Merrimack
down at the bank. He cut off all credit.Copy !req
251. Hey, Beans! Beans!Copy !req
252. You know that there fella?Copy !req
253. Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!Copy !req
254. Nope.Copy !req
255. Hey, Beans!Copy !req
256. Hey.Copy !req
257. Right. Blend in. Yeah, blend in.Copy !req
258. I'd like a glass of water.Copy !req
259. He wants a glass of water!Copy !req
260. Make it a double!Copy !req
261. Give him the spittoon!Copy !req
262. Cactus juice. That's what we got.Copy !req
263. Hey, there, fruit cup.Copy !req
264. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?Copy !req
265. Who exactly are you?Copy !req
266. Who am I?Copy !req
267. I could be anyone.Copy !req
268. What's the matter?
You missing your mommy's mangos?Copy !req
269. As a matter of fact, I am.Copy !req
270. But not as much as
your daddy's cooking!Copy !req
271. Exactly where did you say
you were from?Copy !req
272. Me? I'm from the West.Copy !req
273. Out there, beyond the horizon.
Past the sunset.Copy !req
274. The Far West.Copy !req
275. Yeah, that's right, hombres.Copy !req
276. The place I come from,
we kill a man before breakfastCopy !req
277. just to work up an appetite.Copy !req
278. Then we salt him, and we pepper him.Copy !req
279. Then we braise him in clarified butter.
And then we eat him.Copy !req
280. - You eat him?
- That's what I said!Copy !req
281. Hell, I seen things make a grown man
lose control of his glandular functions!Copy !req
282. You spend three days in a horse
carcass, living off your own juices.Copy !req
283. It'll change a man. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
284. Had a few extra aces in this deck,
gents. Just the way I like it.Copy !req
285. So, no, my hirsute little rodent friend,
I am not from around these parts.Copy !req
286. You might say I'm from everywhere
there's trouble brewingCopy !req
287. and hell waiting to be raised.Copy !req
288. You might say
I'm what hell's already raised up.Copy !req
289. Name'sCopy !req
290. Rango.Copy !req
291. Are you the fella
that killed them Jenkins brothers?Copy !req
292. Killed them with one bullet.Copy !req
293. Don't get no deader.Copy !req
294. All seven of them?Copy !req
295. That's right.Copy !req
296. All seven of them.Copy !req
297. Exactly how you do that, Mr. Rango?Copy !req
298. You know, I'm glad you asked me that.Copy !req
299. And I will be happy to tell you how.
But you're all gonna have to listen up!Copy !req
300. Because this is where it getsCopy !req
301. complicated.Copy !req
302. That'll close out your account,
Mrs. Oats, two gulps and a swig.Copy !req
303. Hands off, Mordecai! That's what's left
of your college education!Copy !req
304. I don't rightly have
no other choice, Beans.Copy !req
305. Times being so hard,
we just can't give no more credit.Copy !req
306. But this here is a bank.
This is where you keep the water.Copy !req
307. Beans, you've been like a niece to me
ever since your daddyCopy !req
308. did not fall drunk down a mine shaft.Copy !req
309. I've tried to protect you and others
from certain realities.Copy !req
310. But that... Well...Copy !req
311. - Mr. Merrimack?
- Realities are bearing down.Copy !req
312. Mr. Merrimack!Copy !req
313. Are you all right?Copy !req
314. Beans, I need to show you something.Copy !req
315. - That's all that's left?
- And this here is the reserve!Copy !req
316. I don't know if you've noticed,Copy !req
317. but folks just ain't making deposits
on a Wednesday no more!Copy !req
318. Mr. Merrimack, if I don't get some water,
I'm gonna lose my ranchCopy !req
319. and you're telling me
that's all that's left in the whole town?Copy !req
320. Now that just don't make no sense.
Now, listen.Copy !req
321. Someone is dumping water
in the desert.Copy !req
322. I seen it with my own eyes.Copy !req
323. Water in the desert?Copy !req
324. Was this during
one of your special times?Copy !req
325. No.Copy !req
326. Well, we can all dream,
but this is the reality.Copy !req
327. Why do you think so many people
are selling out? They just can't make it.Copy !req
328. Well, what am I supposed to do?Copy !req
329. Well, I suppose
we could talk to the Mayor.Copy !req
330. I hear he's been helping people out
in this time of crisis.Copy !req
331. The Mayor?Copy !req
332. He may be our only hope.Copy !req
333. Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets back
towards number three,Copy !req
334. and that's when the roof caved in,Copy !req
335. igniting the thermos
of pure grain alcoholCopy !req
336. instantly vaporizing his bodily form,
leaving nothing but a charcoal statueCopy !req
337. and a high-pitched squeal.Copy !req
338. Hold on, there. That's only six.
What happened to number seven?Copy !req
339. Number seven?Copy !req
340. Hell, he died of infection.Copy !req
341. - Seven men!
- One bullet!Copy !req
342. Drinks all around!Copy !req
343. Dance for me, Sod Buster!Copy !req
344. - Yes, dance like a chicken!
- That's right! Dance!Copy !req
345. You got corn in your ears, mate?Copy !req
346. You don't pay the mortgage,
you don't own the land!Copy !req
347. - That's basic real estate law, my friend.
- Quid pro quo!Copy !req
348. If I see your face in this town again,Copy !req
349. I'm gonna slice it off and use it
to wipe my unmentionables.Copy !req
350. Mind the beak.Copy !req
351. And don't come back!Copy !req
352. What are you all gawping at?Copy !req
353. Hey, Bad Bill,
there's something I got to tell you!Copy !req
354. What is this?Copy !req
355. You know who that is, Bill?
That there's Rango!Copy !req
356. Yeah, he ain't afraid of you!
He ain't afraid of none of you.Copy !req
357. Killed them Jenkins brothers.Copy !req
358. - Done it with one bullet, Bill.
- All seven of them!Copy !req
359. Is that right?Copy !req
360. Let me get that before you...Copy !req
361. No. Oh, I know. Here.Copy !req
362. Just take care of that for you.Copy !req
363. There. All better.Copy !req
364. T.O. T.O. Just a second.Copy !req
365. All right, now listen!Copy !req
366. I'm going to give you fellas
one last chance to reconsider!Copy !req
367. And if you don't want to reconsiderCopy !req
368. I might consider reconsidering myself.Copy !req
369. Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.Copy !req
370. All right, now listen up!Copy !req
371. Things are going to be different
around here now that Rango's in town.Copy !req
372. Got some new rules!
I want my shoes shined every morning,Copy !req
373. my coffee hot, Danish on the side.Copy !req
374. Whatever you do,
don't look me in the eye.Copy !req
375. Stay out of my peripheral vision!Copy !req
376. - It's Rango.
- What's he up to?Copy !req
377. He ain't afraid of nobody.
He's telling that bird what's for!Copy !req
378. And when you see me coming,
stand aside.Copy !req
379. I take large steps and I don't want
none of you hayseedsCopy !req
380. getting your bodily fluids on my boots!Copy !req
381. Of course, there is no need for violence,Copy !req
382. as long as we stick together,
work as a team.Copy !req
383. So I want you all to come outside now
and line up single fileCopy !req
384. while I take a brief intermission!Copy !req
385. What's he doing now?Copy !req
386. I think it's a number two.Copy !req
387. Never mind.Copy !req
388. Take a look-see over here!Copy !req
389. Well, look at him now!Copy !req
390. He's chasing after that hawk!Copy !req
391. Give him hell, Rango!Copy !req
392. - Did you see that?
- He killed that thing!Copy !req
393. What do you think, Doc?Copy !req
394. This hawk is dead!Copy !req
395. Shoot, I say we cook that right up.Copy !req
396. He did it with one bullet!Copy !req
397. Just like he said!Copy !req
398. It's about time
we had a hero around here.Copy !req
399. One who ain't in a pine box.Copy !req
400. I think it's time he met the Mayor.Copy !req
401. You hear that, Rango?
You're going to meet the Mayor!Copy !req
402. Let's hear it for Rango!Copy !req
403. And so the stranger basksCopy !req
404. in the adulation of his new friends,Copy !req
405. sinking deeper into the guacamole
of his own deception.Copy !req
406. When is he going to die?Copy !req
407. Soon, compadre. Soon.Copy !req
408. My land is not for sale!Copy !req
409. I came here to save my land, not sell it!Copy !req
410. I'm sure there's something reasonable
we can work out if you just talk to him!Copy !req
411. Beans! Where are you going? Beans?Copy !req
412. The Mayor will see you now.Copy !req
413. Water, Mr. Rango, water.Copy !req
414. Without it,
there's nothing but dust and decay.Copy !req
415. But with water there's life.Copy !req
416. Look at them, so desperate to live,
they'll follow it anywhere.Copy !req
417. That's the immutable law of the desert.Copy !req
418. Control the water
and you control everything.Copy !req
419. But I don't have to tell you that being
a true man of the West, as you are.Copy !req
420. Oh, yeah. The West is the best.Copy !req
421. This is from my private stock.Copy !req
422. Vintage rainwater
from the Great Deluge.Copy !req
423. Not Noah's deluge.
Good heavens, I'm not that old.Copy !req
424. I guess power has its privileges.Copy !req
425. You make a good point, son.Copy !req
426. But with privilege comes responsibility.Copy !req
427. Hell, I was mayor here
before there was a Dirt!Copy !req
428. And I may be
just a sentimental old turtleCopy !req
429. but I think there's a future for this town.
And I hope you'll be part of it.Copy !req
430. - To Dirt!
- To Dirt.Copy !req
431. You see them, Mr. Rango?
All my friends and neighbors?Copy !req
432. It's a hard life here. Very hard.Copy !req
433. Do you know how they make it through
each and every day?Copy !req
434. They believe.Copy !req
435. They believe it's going to be better.Copy !req
436. They believe that the water will come.Copy !req
437. They believe against all odds
and all evidenceCopy !req
438. that tomorrow will be better than today.Copy !req
439. People have to believe in something.Copy !req
440. Right now, they believe in you.Copy !req
441. Pick it up, Mr. Rango.
Your destiny awaits.Copy !req
442. People have to believe in something.Copy !req
443. It's almost noon. Is everything ready?Copy !req
444. Yeah. But he might be a problem.Copy !req
445. He's not a problem, William.
He's a solution.Copy !req
446. It just don't make no sense.Copy !req
447. This whole town is drying up,Copy !req
448. and the Mayor is the only one
who don't seem to be affected.Copy !req
449. Doesn't that make you
just a wee bit suspicious?Copy !req
450. And what about that water
I saw out in the desert?Copy !req
451. All right! No need to incite anxiety.
I'll inquire about the Mayor.Copy !req
452. But if you really feel
there's some conspiracy occurring,Copy !req
453. I suggest you take it up
with the new sheriff.Copy !req
454. This is going to be good. Hey!
Watch that needle there.Copy !req
455. Not too tight.
I want to leave room for some pucker!Copy !req
456. That's good.Copy !req
457. Oh, easy there, tiger.Copy !req
458. - A little up and back?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
459. Have you got French cuffs with that?Copy !req
460. Excuse me, Sheriff Rango.
I want to talk to you.Copy !req
461. Hey, Beans,
what do you think of the new duds?Copy !req
462. I got a 10-gallon hat
marked down from 15.Copy !req
463. - That's nice.
- Have you met Angelique?Copy !req
464. - Hello, Beans.
- Hello, Angelique.Copy !req
465. - Tart.
- Floozy.Copy !req
466. - Trollop.
- Excuse me, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
467. I will blow that ugly right off your face!Copy !req
468. I was just thinking that...Copy !req
469. You want the old John Hancock,
do you?Copy !req
470. - Well, here. Hold this.
- Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.Copy !req
471. There's a bullet in there.Copy !req
472. I know about the shindig this afternoon.Copy !req
473. - I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
- Sheriff, I'd like to file a...Copy !req
474. - Mr. Rango!
- Oh, you, too? No problem.Copy !req
475. - Here, let me just...
- I need you to investigate...Copy !req
476. You know, Beans, I bet you clean up
real nice, you put a little effort into it.Copy !req
477. - What?
- Now, remember, son,Copy !req
478. stay in school, eat your veggies,
burn everything but Shakespeare.Copy !req
479. - Who's Shakespeare?
- Sheriff Rango,Copy !req
480. if that is your real name.Copy !req
481. I am trying to save my daddy's ranch,Copy !req
482. which is on the verge
of an agricultural meltdownCopy !req
483. while you're playing patty-cake
with this here trollop!Copy !req
484. Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.Copy !req
485. Why does she do that?Copy !req
486. - It's a survival reflex.
- Her switch is just broken.Copy !req
487. Well, that's an inconvenience.Copy !req
488. It is not a rash! It is a birthmark!Copy !req
489. I did it again, didn't I?Copy !req
490. Did what?Copy !req
491. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
492. Did anybody here mention
what happened to our last sheriff?Copy !req
493. Pardon, but may I ask you...
Excuse me, may I ask you...Copy !req
494. The last sheriff... Pardon me.
Where is everybody going?Copy !req
495. What exactly happened to the...Copy !req
496. All dayCopy !req
497. I've faced the barren wasteCopy !req
498. Without the taste of waterCopy !req
499. Cool waterCopy !req
500. Old Dan and ICopy !req
501. With throats burned dryCopy !req
502. And souls that cryCopy !req
503. For waterCopy !req
504. CoolCopy !req
505. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
506. Clear waterCopy !req
507. This is a heck of a hoedown
you got going.Copy !req
508. Still working out those steps.Copy !req
509. So, is this considered
normal civic behavior?Copy !req
510. Every Wednesday, just like clockwork.Copy !req
511. You kill bird.Copy !req
512. Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.Copy !req
513. Bird dead. Snake come.Copy !req
514. Snake?Copy !req
515. He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
516. He never comes to town 'cause
he's scared of that hawk.Copy !req
517. But he might come now.Copy !req
518. Can I have your boots
when you're dead?Copy !req
519. No!Copy !req
520. And I ain't got no problem
with this Rattlesnake Jake.Copy !req
521. That's just what Amos said.Copy !req
522. Amos?Copy !req
523. You got any gold fillings?Copy !req
524. My fellow Dirtonians.Copy !req
525. I welcome you to our great day
of deliverance. Hallelujah.Copy !req
526. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
527. Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!Copy !req
528. We have a newcomer
amongst us today, my friends.Copy !req
529. A man I think needs
little introduction to youCopy !req
530. so bold has been his entry
into our fair society.Copy !req
531. Mr. Rango, would you step forward?Copy !req
532. The time has come, my friends.
The time that was foretold!Copy !req
533. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
534. The sacred time!Copy !req
535. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
536. The time of destiny!Copy !req
537. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
538. The time of deliverance!Copy !req
539. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
540. It is the time of hydration!Copy !req
541. - It's his fault!
- It's the newcomer!Copy !req
542. - Burn him!
- He's a witch!Copy !req
543. I get his boots!Copy !req
544. My friends, my friends!
Temper your frustrations.Copy !req
545. Times will be tough from now on.
Sacrifices will have to be made.Copy !req
546. But if I can help in any way,
please know that my door is always...Copy !req
547. Hold it, hold it!Copy !req
548. Now, this whole thing
stinks three ways to Sunday.Copy !req
549. First the bank's run dry
and now this here spigot?Copy !req
550. The bank's run dry?Copy !req
551. - What's she talking about?
- She said there's no water in the bank!Copy !req
552. This is all we have!
We can't give it all out!Copy !req
553. That was my rehydration account!Copy !req
554. None of that civil disobedience
in my town, thank you very much.Copy !req
555. Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff.
Things were getting out of hand.Copy !req
556. Come right in.Copy !req
557. Let me have a gander at the source
of the societal discontentment here.Copy !req
558. Mercy.Copy !req
559. All right, listen up! I've been thinkingCopy !req
560. and I believe I've figured something out.Copy !req
561. You folks have a water problem!Copy !req
562. Now just pay attention, everybody.
I'm trying to make a point here.Copy !req
563. Let's say this fella here
were to take a drink of water.Copy !req
564. Just one little drink.
No harm, no foul, right?Copy !req
565. And you!Copy !req
566. You're just as dried up and parched
as a jackrabbit in July.Copy !req
567. So you belly on up
and take you a double shot!Copy !req
568. Stay with me.Copy !req
569. What do you think happens then?
Why we'd all be drinking!Copy !req
570. And before you know it,
there wouldn't be any more water.Copy !req
571. And then where would we be?Copy !req
572. We'd be thirsty.Copy !req
573. Real thirsty.Copy !req
574. We'd turn on each other
like a bunch of animals!Copy !req
575. Now look here.
We have got six days of water.Copy !req
576. We have got five days...Copy !req
577. As long as we've got water,
we've got ourselves a town.Copy !req
578. Sheriff Rango is right.Copy !req
579. As long as we have this water,
we have some hope.Copy !req
580. And you can all take it from me.Copy !req
581. My 100% full-time employment
from this moment onCopy !req
582. will be to protect
our precious natural resource.Copy !req
583. Ain't no one gonna tango
with the Rango.Copy !req
584. Evening, ladies.Copy !req
585. Evening, Sheriff.Copy !req
586. And don't you come back!Copy !req
587. Hold on there, Gordy. You get back
in there and you assert yourself,Copy !req
588. and I think you'll find the people of this
here town to be surprisingly hospitable.Copy !req
589. Thank you, Sheriff.Copy !req
590. What? Not you again!Copy !req
591. I stand corrected.Copy !req
592. - This ain't the bank.
- I told you, Jedidiah!Copy !req
593. Hold it right there!Copy !req
594. - Who's that?
- It's the Sheriff!Copy !req
595. Get them hands up
where I can see them!Copy !req
596. Just as I suspected.Copy !req
597. Prospecting without the authorized
equipment. Don't move a muscle.Copy !req
598. Prospecting?Copy !req
599. Now, you got your shovel,
pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah,Copy !req
600. assorted snacks, some puzzle books
and you're gonna need a permit.Copy !req
601. - Loofah.
- Ezekiel, Jedidiah!Copy !req
602. What the Sam Hill's going on up there?Copy !req
603. I've had polyps removed
smarter than the two of you!Copy !req
604. Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!Copy !req
605. Pappy, the Sheriff is standing right here,
helping us out.Copy !req
606. Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.Copy !req
607. That's right, sir. Just doing my duty.Copy !req
608. The lonely constable on his rounds,Copy !req
609. keeping an eagle eye out
for mayhem and malfeasance.Copy !req
610. Does he look like he sounds?Copy !req
611. Well, Sheriff,
if we was to hit the mother lode,Copy !req
612. being prospectors and such,Copy !req
613. where would we deposit said annuity?Copy !req
614. Here in the town of Dirt,
we happen to haveCopy !req
615. the finest financial institution
this side of the Missouri.Copy !req
616. Protected morning, noon and night
by yours truly.Copy !req
617. Much obliged.Copy !req
618. The bank's been robbed!
The bank's been robbed!Copy !req
619. Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!Copy !req
620. What's going on?Copy !req
621. - It's gone! The water's all gone!
- What'd he say?Copy !req
622. He said the bank's been robbed!Copy !req
623. Dr. Marx! I'm on fire! Embrace me!Copy !req
624. The bank's been robbed, the town is dry
"We'll die of thirst," the people cryCopy !req
625. He promised to protect the vault
The water's gone, it's all his faultCopy !req
626. All right, folks, stand back,
clear the area.Copy !req
627. This is a crime scene now.Copy !req
628. Secure the perimeter, dust for prints,
check for fibers, scan for DNA.Copy !req
629. I want a urine sample from everyone.
And get me a latte.Copy !req
630. And don't mix up the two.Copy !req
631. What's this?Copy !req
632. "Prospecting Permit."Copy !req
633. I'll take that. Material evidence.Copy !req
634. What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?Copy !req
635. - We need that water.
- We're all going to die!Copy !req
636. My friends, we all know
what we have to do now.Copy !req
637. That's right.
We all know what we have to do now.Copy !req
638. - And that would be?
- Form a posse.Copy !req
639. Form a possum!Copy !req
640. A posse.Copy !req
641. Now, we're gonna be doing this
in an orderly fashion.Copy !req
642. First off, does anybody here know
how to use a firearm of any kind?Copy !req
643. All right, then.Copy !req
644. What do we do now, Sheriff?Copy !req
645. Now we ride!Copy !req
646. Where are we going?Copy !req
647. What?Copy !req
648. Where are we going?Copy !req
649. Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge
of all tracking and finding of villains,Copy !req
650. utilizing your well-developed
Injun-uity, no offence taken.Copy !req
651. So which way do you think they went?Copy !req
652. You want to sniff the air or commune
with a buffalo or something?Copy !req
653. Oh, you're good.Copy !req
654. I'm depending on you, Spoons.Copy !req
655. You got a little tobaccy
in the beard there.Copy !req
656. Always good to have a medical man
along, Doc.Copy !req
657. Reptiles got to stick together, right,
my brother?Copy !req
658. I'm an amphibian.Copy !req
659. Ain't no shame in that.Copy !req
660. You sure you're
fit for duty there, soldier?Copy !req
661. Well, you got a little something
in your eye there.Copy !req
662. Oh, that? That there's conjunctivitis, sir.
It's hereditary.Copy !req
663. Well, I'm glad to hear
it's not contagious.Copy !req
664. Now, just wait a cotton-picking minute!
A posse ain't no place for a...Copy !req
665. Never mind.Copy !req
666. Hold on there, little sister.Copy !req
667. Someone's gonna have
to look after the town while I'm gone.Copy !req
668. Can I gut-shoot someone?Copy !req
669. Let's put a pin in that.Copy !req
670. Sheriff, you're going to bring
that water back, aren't you?Copy !req
671. Count on it, little sister.Copy !req
672. - Which way do we go, Sheriff?
- There's tunnels everywhere.Copy !req
673. Whole town's perforated with them.Copy !req
674. She got more holes in her
than a painted lady on a porcupine.Copy !req
675. Hey, my daddy took me to her place.Copy !req
676. Not what I expected.Copy !req
677. How'd them fellers
find the bank, anyway?Copy !req
678. Gentlemen, if we can just
stay on task here.Copy !req
679. Sheriff! Over here!Copy !req
680. - Would you look at that?
- Like seeing the face of God.Copy !req
681. Amen, brother.Copy !req
682. I remember when it used to flow
every Wednesday.Copy !req
683. Those were the halcyon days.Copy !req
684. Must be a reason she quit on us.Copy !req
685. Whatever the reason,
something is controlling this here water.Copy !req
686. What do you say, Sheriff?Copy !req
687. Clearly, the robbers came
from this direction.Copy !req
688. I say we track this pipe
back to its hydraulic originCopy !req
689. and apprehend the culprits
behind this aquatic conundrum.Copy !req
690. - What'd he say?
- I think he said follow the pipe.Copy !req
691. - He said follow the pipe.
- He said follow the pipe.Copy !req
692. Sure is humid down here.Copy !req
693. Yeah, it's activating my piles.Copy !req
694. I had a goiter removed once.Copy !req
695. Looked like Tony Bennett
stepping out of the shower.Copy !req
696. Shoot, I put that on a tortilla.Copy !req
697. Whatever you do, do not look down.Copy !req
698. - What is this place?
- It's an aquifer.Copy !req
699. What's an aquifer?Copy !req
700. Well, it's for aqua.Copy !req
701. Well, it's empty now.Copy !req
702. That's a big one.Copy !req
703. - It's the end of the line.
- Don't go no further.Copy !req
704. Well, now that there is a pipe.
It's got to be connected to something.Copy !req
705. You talk too much.
Why don't you put a cork in it?Copy !req
706. Why don't you put a cork...
Tell you where the sun don't shine.Copy !req
707. Your mama did.
I'll cook her right up.Copy !req
708. You two just don't get it, do you?Copy !req
709. Someone or something
is messing with our hydrationCopy !req
710. and that pipe
has got something to do with it.Copy !req
711. I thought
we was following bank robbers!Copy !req
712. We're experiencing a paradigm shift.Copy !req
713. I'm gonna shift the features on your face
if you don't shut up!Copy !req
714. Go ahead and try!Copy !req
715. Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling.
You're affecting my cogitation.Copy !req
716. Whoa! I got it. Snuff out them torches.Copy !req
717. Sure enough.Copy !req
718. Smart thinking there, feller.Copy !req
719. - Start climbing.
- Get your foot out of my face!Copy !req
720. Not bad, huh, Beans?Copy !req
721. You keep thinking like that,
your hat's gonna catch on fire.Copy !req
722. Well, you know, you get on a roll,
you just...Copy !req
723. Hot, hot! Burn.Copy !req
724. Poor things.
All they wanted was a little water.Copy !req
725. Cactus dying of thirst. It don't bode well.Copy !req
726. - Hey, look what I found!
- What you got there?Copy !req
727. - I saw that first!
- Hey, that's mine!Copy !req
728. Give me that!Copy !req
729. It's empty anyway.Copy !req
730. I knew that.Copy !req
731. Where'd you find that?Copy !req
732. Sheriff! You're going to want to see this!Copy !req
733. It's Mr. Merrimack from the bank.Copy !req
734. What's he doing here?Copy !req
735. - Everybody stand back.
- All right, let me see.Copy !req
736. Looks like them varmints shot him
in the back.Copy !req
737. No, this man wasn't shot.
He was drowned!Copy !req
738. - Drowned?
- In the middle of the desert?Copy !req
739. What a way to go.Copy !req
740. Well, now, whose boot prints are those?Copy !req
741. That's interesting.
The ground's still wet.Copy !req
742. I suppose we should bury him.Copy !req
743. I don't know. Birds got to eat, too.Copy !req
744. Circle of life!Copy !req
745. Sheriff.Copy !req
746. Will you say a few words?Copy !req
747. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
748. Dearly beloved.Copy !req
749. We are gathered here today
to honor this man.Copy !req
750. Mr. Merrimack,Copy !req
751. you have the right to remain silent.Copy !req
752. Speak now or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
753. Amen.Copy !req
754. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
755. Hey! What's that dad-gum Indian doing?Copy !req
756. I see you're consulting with the spirits.Copy !req
757. No, I'm molting.
Means I'm ready to mate.Copy !req
758. I'll keep that in mind.Copy !req
759. Cactus fruit.Copy !req
760. Ah, yes. The ancient cactus fruit.Copy !req
761. I believe your people use it
as seasoningCopy !req
762. when preparing your native dishes.Copy !req
763. Also natural laxative.Copy !req
764. Pick up trail.Copy !req
765. Three men heading west.
One blind, one withCopy !req
766. enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.Copy !req
767. - What did he say?
- They're riding sidesaddle.Copy !req
768. - We're whispering.
- What'd he say?Copy !req
769. Someone's got a bad valve.Copy !req
770. All right, which one of you fellers
needs a check-up?Copy !req
771. Awkward.Copy !req
772. What exactly are we going to do now?Copy !req
773. Now we ride!Copy !req
774. That means we're riding now!
This moment.Copy !req
775. Marshmallows remind me
of going camping with my daddy.Copy !req
776. I could eat them all night long.Copy !req
777. Of course he did make me cough them
back up again for breakfast.Copy !req
778. This one time,
I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.Copy !req
779. That ain't nothing.
I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies.Copy !req
780. They started looking at me weird.Copy !req
781. I remember them.
They was quite friendly.Copy !req
782. I found a human spinal column
in my fecal matter once.Copy !req
783. You might want to get that looked at.Copy !req
784. Pass the beans, Beans.Copy !req
785. - Sheriff?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
786. Mr. Rango? Can you tell us
about the Spirit of the West?Copy !req
787. - Yeah, tell us about that.
- Is it true what they say?Copy !req
788. Yes, the Spirit of the West!Copy !req
789. The eternally unattainable ideal.Copy !req
790. They say he rides in
an alabaster carriageCopy !req
791. with golden guardians to protect him.Copy !req
792. But he only appears to those
who have undertaken an epic quest!Copy !req
793. And have made itCopy !req
794. to the other side.Copy !req
795. The other side of what?Copy !req
796. It's a metaphor.Copy !req
797. My eye!Copy !req
798. That's gonna heal right up.Copy !req
799. Sheriff? What are you going to do
about Rattlesnake Jake?Copy !req
800. What? Where?Copy !req
801. Sorry about that. Word is
you come against him once or twice.Copy !req
802. Yeah.Copy !req
803. Jake. You mean my brother.Copy !req
804. - Your brother?
- That's what I said!Copy !req
805. But he's a snake and you're a lizard.Copy !req
806. Well, Momma had an active social life.Copy !req
807. Did he ever bite you?Copy !req
808. Sure enough did. Look at that baby.
Go ahead, you can touch it.Copy !req
809. That's interesting.
That there's a belly button.Copy !req
810. Luckily, I'm immune to his venom.Copy !req
811. Put some in my coffee
just to give it a little tang.Copy !req
812. Is it true he's only scared
of them hawks?Copy !req
813. Them's what we call
his natural predator.Copy !req
814. All this talk of that serpentine devil
is putting my quills on edge!Copy !req
815. I ain't sleeping tonight. No, sir.Copy !req
816. Don't you all worry about a thing.
Come tomorrow, we'll locate that waterCopy !req
817. and return to a hero's welcome.Copy !req
818. Friends, before we bunk downCopy !req
819. I'd like us all to join hands
for a moment,Copy !req
820. say a few words
to the Spirit of the West.Copy !req
821. That's a good idea.Copy !req
822. Ain't always spoken rightly to you,
Spirit of the West.Copy !req
823. But tonight I want to thank you for
bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.Copy !req
824. It's a hard life we got.Copy !req
825. Sometimes I don't know how
we're gonna make it.Copy !req
826. But somehow, Sheriff Rango
makes me think we will.Copy !req
827. We needed a brave man
and you sent us one.Copy !req
828. Nice to have someone
to believe in again.Copy !req
829. Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.Copy !req
830. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
831. Just checking.Copy !req
832. - It's a little cold tonight.
- Thank you.Copy !req
833. You ever feel like those things
are looking at you?Copy !req
834. That's a Spanish dagger.Copy !req
835. But around here,
we just call them the Walking Cactus.Copy !req
836. Walking?Copy !req
837. There's an old legend they actually
walk across the desert to find water.Copy !req
838. When I was a little girl, I'd stay up late
watching them, to see if they'd move.Copy !req
839. I thought if I could follow them,
they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.Copy !req
840. Someplace with enough water
for everyone.Copy !req
841. Night after night, I watched them.
I never saw them move.Copy !req
842. But you're still watching.Copy !req
843. Who doesn't want to find
someplace wonderful?Copy !req
844. We'll find the water, Beans.
I promise you.Copy !req
845. That's such a lonely sound.Copy !req
846. You ever get lonely?Copy !req
847. Sometimes.Copy !req
848. I can't imagine it. You're such a charmer
and everyone likes you so much.Copy !req
849. - I never made friends easy like that.
- No?Copy !req
850. No, we're pretty isolated
out there on the ranch,Copy !req
851. sort of like being sealed up
in a little box.Copy !req
852. Don't really see a lot of folks.Copy !req
853. I wouldn't know what that's like.Copy !req
854. There someone special
in your life, Rango?Copy !req
855. There used to be.
But she couldn't keep her head.Copy !req
856. Besides, my life's too dangerous
for that kind of thing.Copy !req
857. You know, it's an awful solitary
existence out there on the prairie.Copy !req
858. Riding the ranges and the suchlike.Copy !req
859. Beans?Copy !req
860. I'm gonna skin you alive, boy! I'm gonna
whup you like a red-headed stepchild!Copy !req
861. Choleric varmints, ain't they?Copy !req
862. Dysfunctional family. Need intervention.Copy !req
863. What's that coming?Copy !req
864. It's the water.Copy !req
865. I have a plan, and each and every one
of you has a part to play.Copy !req
866. What do I do?Copy !req
867. Spoons, you got
the most important job of all.Copy !req
868. You stay up here on the ridge,
and if anything goes wrong,Copy !req
869. you give the signal.Copy !req
870. Hey, Beans.
What size dress you wearing?Copy !req
871. - He got it!
- Hallelujah!Copy !req
872. - He found the water!
- You did it, son.Copy !req
873. Well, actually...Copy !req
874. Why can't you be all brainy
like your brother?Copy !req
875. Pappy, about that water.
There's something I gots to tell you.Copy !req
876. Hush up, now. Somebody's coming.Copy !req
877. Good sirs, gracious good afternoon
to thee and thee and thee.Copy !req
878. May I present Madame Lupone'sCopy !req
879. Terpsichorean Troupe
of Travelling Thespians!Copy !req
880. - What is that?
- I think they's thespians.Copy !req
881. Thespians?
That's illegal in seven states!Copy !req
882. The stage is set. The princess
prepares to take her own life.Copy !req
883. I yearn for love.Copy !req
884. Meanwhile, the lone sentry
stands watch at the castle gate.Copy !req
885. Stands watch at the castle gate...Copy !req
886. Hark! Who goes there?Copy !req
887. This plot is highly predictable.Copy !req
888. Quiet! This is my favorite part.Copy !req
889. Arriving to great fanfare
'twas her aged father,Copy !req
890. strucketh by Cupid.Copy !req
891. Prithee, unhand my fair daughterCopy !req
892. and reach for the...Copy !req
893. - Line?
- "Reach for the sky!"Copy !req
894. What was that?Copy !req
895. Must be that immersive theatre.Copy !req
896. We got you surrounded!Copy !req
897. You and your entire family get
your hands up where I can see them.Copy !req
898. My entire family?Copy !req
899. Grits and spit and collard greensCopy !req
900. Waffle chitlins, monkey brainsCopy !req
901. Refried bones and booger bloodCopy !req
902. Pickled eggs and flaps of mudCopy !req
903. It's a full house.Copy !req
904. Looks like we're gonna have ourselves
a good old-fashioned standoff.Copy !req
905. I'll have you know, you're not looking
at our entire contingent.Copy !req
906. What's that supposed to be?Copy !req
907. That's the signal.Copy !req
908. That's the signal!
Something must have gone wrong!Copy !req
909. So something's supposed to happen?Copy !req
910. I am open to suggestions.Copy !req
911. Run!Copy !req
912. Get on the wagon!Copy !req
913. Should we have ourselves
some sport, chill'ens?Copy !req
914. I likes it when they run.Copy !req
915. Maybelle, give the holler!Copy !req
916. Looks like we made it!Copy !req
917. That audience was quite responsive.Copy !req
918. Yeah, well, I think that
chromosome pool is about dried up.Copy !req
919. We got bats!Copy !req
920. Here! You drive.Copy !req
921. Looks like there's gonna be
soup tonight!Copy !req
922. Come on, let's get some!Copy !req
923. What in tarnation?
Don't shoot the water!Copy !req
924. Jedidiah! It's time for
the Alabama squeeze box!Copy !req
925. Okay, Pa!Copy !req
926. I am sensing hostility.Copy !req
927. Incoming!Copy !req
928. Hello!Copy !req
929. Goodbye!Copy !req
930. Lasso that swine!Copy !req
931. I suggest we take evasive action!Copy !req
932. I suggest you shut up and shoot!Copy !req
933. - What happened to the Sheriff?
- He had a previous engagement!Copy !req
934. Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!Copy !req
935. What was that? Go check it out!Copy !req
936. What is it? Is there a problem?Copy !req
937. You could call it that.Copy !req
938. Headache.Copy !req
939. Is that all you got?Copy !req
940. That wasn't altogether unpleasant!Copy !req
941. Eat lead!Copy !req
942. Here, hold these.Copy !req
943. Get your hands off me!Copy !req
944. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
945. Jump!Copy !req
946. It's impossible.Copy !req
947. It can't be. It's empty.Copy !req
948. There's no water!Copy !req
949. No water?
Then what the hell we been fighting for?Copy !req
950. Sir, you have defiled and desecrated
the very sustenance of our livelihood!Copy !req
951. I think that there fella in the purty dress
is the Sheriff.Copy !req
952. That's the same fellow what give us
a prospecting permit?Copy !req
953. - A what?
- Irrelevant! Obfuscation.Copy !req
954. You and your kin are under arrest
for bank robberyCopy !req
955. and the murder
of our beloved financial advisorCopy !req
956. Johannes Merrimack the Third,
AKA, Fluffy Joe.Copy !req
957. Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody.Copy !req
958. We done tunneled into that vault,
but there weren't nothing in it.Copy !req
959. Somebody done robbed that bank
before we robbed it.Copy !req
960. Then where'd you get this here jug?Copy !req
961. That's what I been trying
to tell you, Pappy.Copy !req
962. I found it in the desert.Copy !req
963. Then why in tarnation
did you bring it here?Copy !req
964. Hold on! You're saying this here jug
was empty when you found it?Copy !req
965. That's right.Copy !req
966. I don't believe a word of it.Copy !req
967. - Let's hang them, Sheriff!
- String them up!Copy !req
968. Who'd dump water in the desert?Copy !req
969. Wouldn't be the first time.Copy !req
970. It's a puzzle!
It's like a big old mammogram!Copy !req
971. What's going on, Sheriff?Copy !req
972. I don't know.Copy !req
973. But I'm going to strip away this mystery
and expose its private parts.Copy !req
974. You and your kin are coming with me.Copy !req
975. They're coming!Copy !req
976. Here they come!Copy !req
977. Looks like they got them robbers.Copy !req
978. Where's the water?Copy !req
979. There weren't no water.Copy !req
980. Where is he going?Copy !req
981. He's going to see the Mayor.Copy !req
982. He's got to be pleased with that.Copy !req
983. That's a good one, boss!Copy !req
984. That's interesting.Copy !req
985. I do apologize for the shoes, Mr. Rango,Copy !req
986. but there's a certain protocol
to this game, you understand.Copy !req
987. I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.Copy !req
988. Well, that's good, 'cause you got
a few questions to answerCopy !req
989. and I've got my own protocol.Copy !req
990. But why would anyone dump water
in the blooming desert?Copy !req
991. It does seem a bit naïve, taking the word
of admitted bank robbers.Copy !req
992. Besides, once they hang,
your job is done.Copy !req
993. - Bravo!
- Job well done.Copy !req
994. But what if somebody did rob the bank
before they got there?Copy !req
995. And who would do that, Mr. Rango?Copy !req
996. I was hoping you could tell me.Copy !req
997. That sounds marginally
near to an accusation.Copy !req
998. Take it any way you like.Copy !req
999. Something you said keeps rattling
around in my frontal lobe.Copy !req
1000. What's that?Copy !req
1001. "Control the water
and you control everything."Copy !req
1002. Come now, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
1003. You attribute divine power to me.Copy !req
1004. How on earth
could I possibly control the water?Copy !req
1005. You've obviously mastered this game.Copy !req
1006. Well, I've been playing it
for many years, sir.Copy !req
1007. I was here before the highway split
this great valley.Copy !req
1008. I watched the march of progress,Copy !req
1009. and I learned a thing or two.Copy !req
1010. Perhaps it's time you started
to take the long view,Copy !req
1011. begin to appreciate
the broad sweep of history.Copy !req
1012. Look out there, son.Copy !req
1013. You can almost see time passing.Copy !req
1014. What are you building out here?Copy !req
1015. The future, Mr. Rango, the future.Copy !req
1016. One day soon,
all this is going to fade into myth,Copy !req
1017. the frontier town, the lawman,
the gunslinger.Copy !req
1018. There's just no place
for them any more.Copy !req
1019. - We're civilized now.
- That's right, civilized.Copy !req
1020. That's what the future holds.Copy !req
1021. You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.Copy !req
1022. Is that what happened to
Mr. Merrimack? Did he get left behind?Copy !req
1023. Careful, Mr. Rango. You seem to forget
you're just one little lizard.Copy !req
1024. You seem to forget
I'm the law around these parts.Copy !req
1025. Our new sheriff has been
playing the hero for so long,Copy !req
1026. he's actually starting to believe it.Copy !req
1027. Call in Rattlesnake Jake.Copy !req
1028. But Jake's the Grim Reaper.Copy !req
1029. He never leaves
without taking a blooming soul.Copy !req
1030. Do it!Copy !req
1031. Now be still. You gotta look
presentable to meet your maker.Copy !req
1032. Death has arrivedCopy !req
1033. How will the hero survive?Copy !req
1034. The Mayor has bought up
all the land in the valley,Copy !req
1035. except for your ranch, Miss Beans.Copy !req
1036. That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.Copy !req
1037. Unless he controls the water.Copy !req
1038. Like a monkey's bladder!Copy !req
1039. Then he could bring it back
once he's bought up all the land.Copy !req
1040. But how does he control the water?Copy !req
1041. Well, you gotta spend some time
and train them.Copy !req
1042. 'Cause you know monkeys, when
they do go, you rub their nose in it.Copy !req
1043. Sheriff, we got a problem.Copy !req
1044. Hold on, Beans.
That won't be necessary.Copy !req
1045. - Hang him till his head turns blue!
- Give us them robbers!Copy !req
1046. Hold on! Calm down, everyone!
Let me talk!Copy !req
1047. - Nail them to the courthouse!
- Now, calm down, everybody.Copy !req
1048. Get them out here
so we can cut off their giblets!Copy !req
1049. You, too, Spoons?Copy !req
1050. They done taken that water.
They taken everything we got!Copy !req
1051. No one's stringing anyone up.
Not while I'm sheriff.Copy !req
1052. But this is all his fault!Copy !req
1053. You said you's gonna
bring the water back.Copy !req
1054. It's just, we got no hope
without that water.Copy !req
1055. We got nothing left to believe in.Copy !req
1056. You see that sign up there?Copy !req
1057. As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"Copy !req
1058. you can believe that there's
law and order in this town.Copy !req
1059. But without law and order,
ruminate on that. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1060. Starts out slow, like a fungus.Copy !req
1061. Somebody says a cross word.
Accusations start flying.Copy !req
1062. Neighbor turns on neighbor.
Pretty soon, we're eating our children!Copy !req
1063. And then dogs and cats
are getting togetherCopy !req
1064. to create all sorts of unnatural
mutant aberrations!Copy !req
1065. So, you want something
to believe in, Spoons?Copy !req
1066. Believe in me.Copy !req
1067. Believe in that there sign.Copy !req
1068. For as long as it hangs there,
we got hope.Copy !req
1069. Hello, brother.Copy !req
1070. Thirsty?Copy !req
1071. Long time, brother.
How you been keeping?Copy !req
1072. Well, you know...Copy !req
1073. I hear you been telling about how
you killed all them Jenkins brothers.Copy !req
1074. With one bullet, wasn't it?Copy !req
1075. Isn't that right?Copy !req
1076. All these good folks here
believe your little stories, don't they?Copy !req
1077. Why, they believe you're just
a stone killer, don't they?Copy !req
1078. Seems these folks trust you.Copy !req
1079. They think you're gonna save
their little town.Copy !req
1080. They think you're gonna save
their little souls!Copy !req
1081. But we know better, don't we?Copy !req
1082. So why don't you show your friends here
what you're made of?Copy !req
1083. Show them who you really are.Copy !req
1084. Why don't you just pull your gun
and shoot me?Copy !req
1085. But, of course, you won't need all these.Copy !req
1086. Just one, right?Copy !req
1087. Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.Copy !req
1088. You got killer in your eyes, son?Copy !req
1089. I don't see it.Copy !req
1090. You didn't do any of them things
you said, did you?Copy !req
1091. You didn't kill them Jenkins brothers.
You ain't even from the West!Copy !req
1092. Are you?Copy !req
1093. - Say it!
- No.Copy !req
1094. Speak up.
I don't think your friends here heard you.Copy !req
1095. No.Copy !req
1096. All you've done is lie
to these good people.Copy !req
1097. You ain't nothing but a fake
and a coward. Isn't that right?Copy !req
1098. Yes.Copy !req
1099. - Louder!
- Yes.Copy !req
1100. Listen close, you pathetic fraud.Copy !req
1101. This is my town now.Copy !req
1102. If I ever see you again, I will take
your soul straight down to hell!Copy !req
1103. Who are you?Copy !req
1104. Who am I?Copy !req
1105. I'm nobody.Copy !req
1106. Golden guardians.Copy !req
1107. The alabaster carriage.Copy !req
1108. The Spirit of the West.Copy !req
1109. Excuse me? Mister Spirit, sir?Copy !req
1110. There's a beaut. Sometimes you got to
dig deep to find what you're looking for.Copy !req
1111. So you made it.Copy !req
1112. Is this heaven?Copy !req
1113. If it were, we'd be eating Pop-Tarts
with Kim Novak.Copy !req
1114. Yeah.Copy !req
1115. No kidding.
What are you doing out here?Copy !req
1116. Searching, same as you.Copy !req
1117. I don't even know
what I'm looking for any more.Copy !req
1118. I don't even know who I am.Copy !req
1119. They used to call you
the Man with No Name.Copy !req
1120. These days they got a name
for just about everything.Copy !req
1121. Doesn't matter what they call you.
It's the deeds make the man.Copy !req
1122. Yeah, but my deeds just made things
worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney!Copy !req
1123. My friends believed in me,
but they need some kind of hero.Copy !req
1124. Then be a hero.Copy !req
1125. No. No, no, you don't understand.
I'm not even supposed to be here.Copy !req
1126. That's right. You came a long way
to find something that isn't out here.Copy !req
1127. Don't you see? It's not about you.Copy !req
1128. It's about them.Copy !req
1129. But I can't go back.Copy !req
1130. Don't know that you got a choice, son.Copy !req
1131. No man can walk out on his own story.Copy !req
1132. So you made it.Copy !req
1133. That's right, amigo.
The other side of the road.Copy !req
1134. Did you just see that?Copy !req
1135. We each see what we need to see.Copy !req
1136. Beautiful, isn't it?Copy !req
1137. Yeah.Copy !req
1138. It is.Copy !req
1139. Come, my friend.
I want to show you something.Copy !req
1140. Many years ago,
this entire valley was covered in agua.Copy !req
1141. Now only one question remains.Copy !req
1142. Where did it go?Copy !req
1143. They follow the water.Copy !req
1144. They follow the water! Come on!Copy !req
1145. That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.Copy !req
1146. What are you building out here?Copy !req
1147. The future, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
1148. You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.Copy !req
1149. I was here before the highway split
this great valley.Copy !req
1150. I watched the march of progressCopy !req
1151. and I learned a thing or two.Copy !req
1152. Control the waterCopy !req
1153. and you control everything.Copy !req
1154. Come now, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
1155. You attribute divine power to me.Copy !req
1156. How on earth
could I possibly control the water?Copy !req
1157. What now, amigo?Copy !req
1158. No man can walk out on his own story.Copy !req
1159. I'm going back.Copy !req
1160. But why?Copy !req
1161. Because that's who I am.Copy !req
1162. You got a lot of nerve showing up here,
lawman. What is it you want?Copy !req
1163. Your pappy and them boys are about
to hang for something they didn't do.Copy !req
1164. But I've got a plan.Copy !req
1165. I appreciate how difficult
this is for you, Beans.Copy !req
1166. But you're making a practical decision.Copy !req
1167. Decisions, decisions.Copy !req
1168. There's no need for any more suffering.Copy !req
1169. Your family's ranch is nothing
but a wasteland now.Copy !req
1170. Sign the deed and relieve yourself
of your father's burden.Copy !req
1171. My daddy was not a burden!Copy !req
1172. Keep your blood money
and I'll keep my land!Copy !req
1173. Do what he says or,
by all the fires of the black pit,Copy !req
1174. I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes
out of your skull!Copy !req
1175. Now, hold on, Jake.
There's no need to...Copy !req
1176. Let me do my job! You brought me in.Copy !req
1177. Now we're gonna play this thing
out to the end!Copy !req
1178. Sign the damn paper, woman!Copy !req
1179. Go to hell!Copy !req
1180. Where do you think I come from?Copy !req
1181. Look into my eyes.Copy !req
1182. I want to see you die.Copy !req
1183. Jake!Copy !req
1184. I'm calling you out!Copy !req
1185. Jake!Copy !req
1186. This day
just got a little more interesting.Copy !req
1187. Put her down.Copy !req
1188. Or what, little man?
You going to kill me?Copy !req
1189. That's just about the size of it.Copy !req
1190. - Get your filthy paws off me!
- Shut your gob!Copy !req
1191. All right, Sheriff, make your move.Copy !req
1192. Now, amigos!Copy !req
1193. - Heave! Heave!
- Heave! Heave!Copy !req
1194. That was a bad idea.Copy !req
1195. Thirsty, brother?Copy !req
1196. Here it comes!Copy !req
1197. No. No!Copy !req
1198. It's a miracle!Copy !req
1199. Look out!Copy !req
1200. - Lookee there!
- What is that?Copy !req
1201. It's our salvation, Pa!Copy !req
1202. It's a jailbreak, boys! We're busting out!Copy !req
1203. I'm gonna blow so many holes in you,
your guts'll be leaking lead!Copy !req
1204. Well, then
it's a good thing I brought some backup.Copy !req
1205. What?Copy !req
1206. Ain't no hawk.Copy !req
1207. Ain't nothing but bats!Copy !req
1208. Stick to the plan, boys!
Let's bleed that devil dry!Copy !req
1209. It only takes one bullet.Copy !req
1210. You ain't got the nerve.Copy !req
1211. Try me.Copy !req
1212. Oh, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
1213. Aren't you forgetting something?Copy !req
1214. Hand me your gun, Sheriff.Copy !req
1215. Now, Mr. Rango.Copy !req
1216. Beans! Hold on.
Don't worry, I got a plan.Copy !req
1217. Help!Copy !req
1218. Open the door!Copy !req
1219. Okay, plan B.Copy !req
1220. Beans, you're mumbling.Copy !req
1221. All my problems taken care of
except for one.Copy !req
1222. It's a new West, Jake.Copy !req
1223. There's no room for gunslingers
any more. We're businessmen now.Copy !req
1224. Yeah, we got new hats.Copy !req
1225. Where I come from,
we call this improvisation.Copy !req
1226. You came back.Copy !req
1227. What was that?Copy !req
1228. No need to panic,
but I think you just swallowed plan B.Copy !req
1229. What?Copy !req
1230. Okay, panic time.Copy !req
1231. You and the Sheriff are more alike
than you think.Copy !req
1232. You're nothing but legends.Copy !req
1233. Pretty soon,
no one will believe you even existed.Copy !req
1234. One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.Copy !req
1235. How fitting.Copy !req
1236. Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together,Copy !req
1237. we can reach a mutually beneficial
solution to our current situation.Copy !req
1238. You better take it up with him.Copy !req
1239. One bullet.Copy !req
1240. I tip my hat to you,Copy !req
1241. one legend to another.Copy !req
1242. What was that you said?Copy !req
1243. "Pretty soon,
no one will believe you even existed."Copy !req
1244. No, Jake! No!Copy !req
1245. Rango!Copy !req
1246. You brought the water back,
just like you promised.Copy !req
1247. You really are a hero.Copy !req
1248. Well, the thing about heroes is,
whenever you...Copy !req
1249. Don't spoil it.Copy !req
1250. Right.Copy !req
1251. Well, I don't know about you all,
but I could sure go for a dip.Copy !req
1252. And so the lizard completes his journeyCopy !req
1253. from humble beginnings
to the legend we sing of today.Copy !req
1254. And although he is certain to die,
perhaps from a household accident,Copy !req
1255. which account
for 65% of all unnatural deaths,Copy !req
1256. the people of the village
will honor his memoryCopy !req
1257. even as they abandon their dignity.Copy !req
1258. - I'm going in.
- How about a cold one, there?Copy !req
1259. Water ain't money. Money is money.Copy !req
1260. - Well, I ain't got no...
- We're talking hard cash.Copy !req
1261. We have a problem.Copy !req
1262. Who let Snuggles in the pool again?Copy !req
1263. I really think you complete me.Copy !req
1264. Prithee, unhand my fair maiden.Copy !req
1265. - Cut. Cut. Everybody, take five.
- How can you keep missing your mark?Copy !req
1266. What's my motivation?Copy !req
1267. Oh, you kids.Copy !req
1268. What did you do that for?Copy !req
1269. I was just checking.
I hear if you get too sunburnt,Copy !req
1270. you can peel a man's face right off.Copy !req
1271. - What is it?
- That there's some human spleen.Copy !req
1272. Don't touch it.Copy !req
1273. That's the second time
that's happened to me.Copy !req
1274. This water thing's great.Copy !req
1275. I'm urinating right now.Copy !req
1276. Adult swim, next five minutes.Copy !req
1277. Stay between the buoys.Copy !req
1278. I packed your lunch. Danish is in thereCopy !req
1279. and I picked the raisins out
just the way you like it.Copy !req
1280. Don't forget, your nasal spray is
in your saddle-bag...Copy !req
1281. - Beans!
- ... and your moisturizing lotion...Copy !req
1282. - Now, Beans! We've talked about this.
- Lotion?Copy !req
1283. That's for my gun. That's gun lotion.Copy !req
1284. Sheriff, where are you headed?Copy !req
1285. There's trouble down a dry creek.
Bad Bill's been acting up again.Copy !req
1286. Now, honey, you come back
with all your digits.Copy !req
1287. And don't go trying to be a hero.Copy !req
1288. Beans, you are missing the point.Copy !req
1289. I got an image to protect now.Copy !req
1290. Where's my Tic Tacs?Copy !req
1291. - I found them.
- What's going on?Copy !req
1292. Well, in order to satisfy the needs
of the collective,Copy !req
1293. the hero must abandon the selfCopy !req
1294. and solidify his image as an icon
that will forever be remembered.Copy !req
1295. So, this is the sunset shot.Copy !req
1296. Give them a good one, amigo.Copy !req
1297. Ready, Excelsior?Copy !req
1298. My fellow comrades.Copy !req
1299. There will be times
when you doubt yourself.Copy !req
1300. When you feel pummeled
by the cataclysms of life,Copy !req
1301. remember this moment.
Remember me.Copy !req
1302. Know that I will be there watching you,Copy !req
1303. sometimes at inappropriate moments.Copy !req
1304. That's part of the deal.Copy !req
1305. And remember, within all of us residesCopy !req
1306. the true Spirit of the...Copy !req
1307. Let's take it from the top.Copy !req