Putney Swope (1969)

1. - Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dr. Alvin Weasely.

2. Dr. Weasely is one of the most respected

3. motivational researchers in the country.

4. Harveys Beer has dropped 84%.

5. So Dr. Weasely will tell us how the American public

6. really feels about beer.

7. Dr. Weasely.

8. - Beer is for men who doubt their masculinity.

9. That's why it's so popular

10. at sporting events and poker games.

11. On a superficial level, a glass of beer

12. is a cool, soothing beverage.

13. But in reality, a glass of beer is pee pee dickey.

14. That's it.

15. - Beautiful.

16. Beautiful.

17. Beautiful.

18. Beautiful.

19. Beautiful.

20. - Pee pee dickey?

21. - We paid for that?

22. - 28,000 and we got off easy.

23. - The man made some very perceptive statements.

24. - I got it!

25. Make it big with Harveys Beer.

26. Big foam.

27. You get a big bang out of it.

28. Big, proud head.

29. It's big and it lasts long...

30. - You know, you're about as subtle as an elephant in heat.

31. - That's great!

32. We'll show an elephant sipping Harveys Beer at the circus.

33. - It's obscene!

34. - Don't moralize, Elias.

35. We're committed to Harveys Beer.

36. - I'm committed to myself.

37. Harveys Beer is worst beer on the market.

38. It's a loser.

39. Get rid of it.

40. - There are no losers.

41. Every product has potential.

42. - It's a stiff.

43. - No, no don't say that.

44. There's no such thing.

45. - You're a stiff.

46. - I'll not tolerate your self-indulgence.

47. When your father comes in,

48. I'm gonna tell him exactly what you've said.

49. - Just because you were here when my old man

50. started this agency, you know,

51. that doesn't alter the facts.

52. You've played so many sides of the fence,

53. you dunno where the fence is anymore.

54. - I know my job!

55. - Oh, that's beautiful!

56. - If it weren't for your father,

57. you'd be on welfare.

58. 60,000 a year and all you can do is wreck the joint.

59. - He's right.

60. He's not creative, but he knows the rules.

61. And you gotta know the rules

62. before you can break the rules.

63. - Right. - There's no respect anymore.

64. - He's right, Nathan.

65. You did your tango 30 years ago.

66. - Fascist!

67. - Duck hunter loses his rifle,

68. walks seven miles to a cathouse, knocks on the door.

69. The door opens, the madam says, "Who sent you?"

70. He says, "In the 40's, it was Judy Canova and Victor Mature.

71. "In the 50's, it was Christine Jorgensen and James Dean.

72. "In the 60's, it was Smith & Wesson."

73. That's it.

74. - He was a nice guy.

75. - Can you lend me five?

76. - Our job is to manipulate the consumer

77. by arousing his desires and then we satisfy

78. those desires for a fixed price.

79. Sounds familiar.

80. - It sounds familiar.

81. - It's called advertising.

82. - Yes?

83. Thank you.

84. Elias Senior just went through the lobby.

85. - Well, let's go!

86. - Let's go, Bissinger.

87. - Our war toy account is up 23% and a third.

88. - Hey Bissinger, you better get hip to reality.

89. By advertising toy guns,

90. you're encouraging kids to enjoy violence.

91. - You're only Music Director around here, Swope.

92. What do you know about the total spectrum?

93. - I know what I feel.

94. - What's that got to do with it?

95. - I think we should drop the account.

96. - How dare you!

97. - Drop the account and show the business community

98. and the public that we're morally and socially responsible.

99. - Groovy, let's do it.

100. - Thank you.

101. - Putney, I've been supervising

102. the war toy account for 12 years.

103. And let me tell you something.

104. Deny a young boy the right to have a toy gun,

105. and you'll suppress his destructive urges

106. and he'll turn out to be a homosexual or worse.

107. - I'd rather have my son be a fag than a killer.

108. - Your son is a fag!

109. - You took him on the picnic hike, I didn't.

110. - Last year at Malibu only Jim was a fag.

111. Two weeks ago, Steve and Ralph came over.

112. Yesterday, Randy came over.

113. There it is.

114. Defrocked priest is on the road, it's three in the morning,

115. he's got a flat tire and it's raining.

116. So he goes up to this farmhouse and says...

117. - We're grossing less than a million a day

118. and you're talking about flat tires and farmhouses?

119. Get out of my life.

120. - Good morning, Mario.

121. - Good afternoon, Mario.

122. - Every consumer has a small box in his head.

123. Everyone has a s-s-s-s-soapbox,

124. a b-breadbox, a-a-a cereal box,

125. a sh-h-h-hampoo box.

126. This box is the target

127. of 46 billion dollars a year in advertising.

128. Now, there's only so much room in each box

129. and if we overload these boxes with too much information,

130. they won't remember anything.

131. But, if we use c-c-c-creative foreplay,

132. Before we PENETRATE!

133. We'll b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...

134. - Benefit?

135. - B-b-b-b-b-

136. - Bypass?

137. - B-b-b-b-b-b...

138. - Looks like.

139. - B-b-b-b-b...

140. - Sounds like.

141. - B-b-b-b-b...

142. - How many syllables, Mario?

143. - B-b-b-b...

144. How many syllables, Mario?

145. - B-b-b-b...

146. - How many syllables, Mario?

147. - B-b-b-b...

148. - How many syllables, Mario?

149. - B-b-b-b!

150. Aaaarrgh!

151. - We'll never know.

152. - I'm going to the track.

153. - Have a ball, baby.

154. - What do you think of those cuff links?

155. - How many syllables, Mario?

156. How many syllables, Mario?

157. How many syllables, Mario?

158. How many syllables, Mario?

159. How many syllables, Mario?

160. How many syllables, Mario?

161. How many syllables, Mario?

162. How many syllables, Mario?

163. - I'm the Senior Vice President,

164. so I'm the new chairman of...

165. - Bullshit.

166. - The corporate bylaws make it very clear that the only way

167. we can determine a new chairman is by democratic process.

168. Paragraph 68 specifically states

169. that nobody can vote for himself.

170. That's what it says, so that's where it's at.

171. - Vote for me and I'll get you into the Knights of Columbus.

172. - Vote for me and I'll give you 10% of the business.

173. - 25.

174. - Vote for me and I'll set you up in Puerto Rico, for life.

175. - I got Puerto Ricans in my building.

176. - Enough caucus, let's get the votes in.

177. - How can we talk about who's gonna be Chairman of the Board

178. when my father's laying dead on the table?

179. Why can't I be Chairman of the Board?

180. - Because you're a nitwit.

181. - My father started this agency.

182. - And you're not going to finish it.

183. - Thank you, Valerie.

184. One for Elias.

185. Swope.

186. One for Bissinger.

187. Swope.

188. Swope.

189. Swope.

190. Swope.

191. Swope.

192. Swope.

193. Swope.

194. Swope.

195. That's it.

196. One vote for Elias, one vote for Bissinger,

197. nine votes for Swope.

198. - Swope!

199. You don't have to accept.

200. It's a terrible job!

201. Don't take it, Swope!

202. - Take it easy, Nathan.

203. I've seen your cardiogram.

204. - It's a mirage!

205. - The man's been elected

206. and you voted for him.

207. - We all voted for him.

208. Because we thought no one else would vote for him.

209. Putney Swope is the new Chairman of this Board.

210. And I will defend that mistake with my life.

211. Congratulations, Putney.

212. - It's going to be a pleasure working with you, Swope.

213. - You're gonna make a great chairman if you stay in line.

214. - My father would've wanted it this way.

215. He dug you very much.

216. - Your father was a horse's ass.

217. - Yeah, but he dug you very much.

218. - The changes I'm going to make will be minimal.

219. I'm not gonna rock the boat.

220. Rocking the boat's a drag.

221. What you do is sink the boat!

222. And there's no sense sinking nothing, unless you can salvage

223. with productive alternatives and brothers,

224. you can't change nothing with rhetoric and slogans

225. because if a man's really got the truth in his pocket,

226. he doesn't talk about it,

227. he hangs it out on a shingle where people can see it.

228. So from now on the name of this agency is Truth and Soul.

229. TS baby, that's right.

230. Don't smoke it!

231. Nathan, you were a good businessman

232. and you're not a cop-out, so I'm going to let you stay.

233. - I wanna contract that guarantees me an expense account,

234. stock options, 22 weeks vacation, a company car,

235. a box at Jay Stadium, a percentage of the gross,

236. total creative freedom, transplant insurance

237. and a no-cut clause.

238. - Nathan, you're corrupt.

239. - Thank you.

240. - I've come all the way from Miles City

241. to ask you to be my woman.

242. - It must be my new depilatory, Superlip.

243. Superlip eliminates peach fuzz and feminine whiskers.

244. Superlip digs deep down into the hair follicle,

245. instead of just lopping it off at the surface.

246. - Cut!

247. - Cut!

248. Cut.

249. - I don't believe it.

250. Again.

251. - There's a bunch of lilies

252. shooting a commercial in our studio.

253. They must not know about the recent transition.

254. - Well, let's go take care of business.

255. - This chick's from nowhere.

256. So it's up to you.

257. Improvise, do something.

258. I've seen you work at Jones Beach with Guy Lombardo.

259. I know you can pull it off.

260. Superlip, shot one.

261. Take 107.

262. - Action.

263. - Action!

264. - Lady Beaver, I've come all the way from Biloxi

265. to ask you to be my woman.

266. - Wayne, you do go on.

267. - I don't feel it.

268. - What did you say?

269. - I am not going to say it.

270. It is stupid.

271. - Cut.

272. Listen sweetie, I could be home writing my novel.

273. You could be playing Lady Macbeth in some basement.

274. We're both here, aren't we?

275. - That's okay.

276. - Let's do it.

277. - Let's do it!

278. - Quittin' time!

279. - Get on out!

280. Yeah, no more taking pictures of no jive cans

281. and jive bottles, and skinny-legged broads

282. with stockings on 'em.

283. Get on out of here!

284. We're gonna have some greasy fingers and some chicken,

285. and all the beautiful things that people have who have it

286. and you ain't got it.

287. So get on out you understand?

288. We're not gonna take any more of your jive.

289. 'Cause we're Truth and Soul, you understand?

290. Truth and Soul, 'cause we got it

291. and we got a brother that's gonna make it right.

292. We got brother Putney.

293. - Okay-

294. Every single account pulled out.

295. - I wish I'd have pulled out.

296. Too many dependents, baby.

297. - It looks bad.

298. - Swope, I think we're still in the ball game.

299. Wing Soney just got off the elevator

300. and he's dying to meet you.

301. - Wing Soney?

302. - Wing Soney.

303. - Wowee.

304. Hey man, what's his thing?

305. Do-it-yourself Pearl Harbor?

306. - He's Chinese, Swope.

307. - I don't care what he is.

308. We're gonna get that account.

309. - Let's go.

310. Wing Soney, say hello to Putney Swope.

311. - Mr. Swope, I'm not a happy chappy.

312. The agency that's currently handling my merchandise,

313. is the biggest nosebleed in town.

314. Now, I have a new item

315. and I dig to launch it with a new outfit.

316. So let me tell you about the Get Out of Here Mousetrap.

317. The Get Out of Here Mousetrap is a unique breakthrough,

318. because after it traps a rodent, it chemically cremates.

319. No flame, no noise, no mouse.

320. I invented it myself.

321. - Mr. Soney, you're not gonna believe this, but...

322. - Then don't tell me.

323. - For the past six minutes I've been working

324. on a whole new approach to mousetraps.

325. Lay it on them, Nathan.

326. - Columbus is on the Santa Maria; the crew's Italian.

327. Columbus walks down the gangplank

328. and waiting at the bottom is a middle-aged Indian.

329. Columbus knocks the Indian on his ass

330. and sticks the Spanish flag in the ground.

331. And out of the bushes comes a 75-year-old squaw

332. with a cleft head and an ax in her back.

333. But the Indian starts to cry,

334. because he knows he's going to be exploited.

335. Columbus puts his arm around the Indian, points to the crew

336. and says, "In exchange for your land,

337. "I'll give you 50 guineas."

338. Cut to a shot of a Get Out of Here Mousetrap,

339. tell him how much it costs, where you buy it, and that's it.

340. - It's a most fantastic thing I ever heard.

341. Who's your shrink?

342. I dig it.

343. I dig it.

344. I dig it.

345. My mousetrap is yours.

346. You've revitalized me, Swope.

347. Let's split.

348. I'm a happy chink.

349. - We did it, Swope.

350. We did it!

351. - You're fired.

352. - Why?

353. - That Columbus thing is the worst thing I ever heard.

354. - I thought it was brilliant.

355. - That's why you takin' the next elevator.

356. Hey, you a messenger for TS?

357. - Yes, sir.

358. - From now on, use the freight elevator.

359. - Yes, sir.

360. - I just heard about the Get Out of Here campaign.

361. It's a trailblazer, Swope.

362. - Your mouse trap conception is a masterpiece.

363. Why, it's already a classic.

364. - As far as I'm concerned, you're my man.

365. - I would like to discuss the possibility

366. of you handling my account.

367. Would you?

368. - I'm with the Audie Murphy Toy Company.

369. We just came out with a Junior Miss Flamethrower,

370. that runs on ordinary lighter fluid,

371. and next week, we're coming out with a heavy-duty model,

372. for the back-to-college group

373. that features an after-burner and five-second reloading,

374. with disposable propane cassettes.

375. - I wanna have nothing to do with war toys or cigarettes,

376. and do something about your breath.

377. - Tell me what you like.

378. I'll go out and make it.

379. I'll produce it, you push it.

380. You and me, Swope.

381. - If you stiffs want TS to do your advertising,

382. it's gonna cost you a million bucks up front, cash.

383. - That's hallway robbery, Swope.

384. - That's an outrage!

385. - The price is right,

386. but I can't come up with a million bucks in cash.

387. - Me neither.

388. - Forget it, baby.

389. - If your sales don't increase by 50%

390. you'll get a complete refund.

391. - I'm in Swope.

392. - Me too.

393. - You and me Swope.

394. - Don't forget me, Pit Stop deodorant.

395. Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

396. - Jim Keranga of Watts, California

397. is eating a bowl of Ethereal Cereal,

398. the heavenly breakfast food.

399. Jim, did you know that Ethereal Cereal

400. has twice as much vitamin B

401. as any other leading cereal?

402. Ethereal also has the added punch,

403. of 0.02 ESP units of pectin.

404. - No shit!

405. - Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

406. - Ground rules: Give us the name of your product,

407. what it's supposed to do, then take a walk.

408. We don't need your ideas.

409. We don't need your advice.

410. And we don't need lames in the hallway.

411. - Lucky Airlines.

412. - Introducing Miss Redneck, New Jersey,

413. Eugenie Ferliger.

414. Eugenie is 23.

415. She's five foot four and weighs 117 pounds.

416. She has blue eyes and blonde hair

417. with matching cuffs and collar.

418. Eugenie is a graduate of the Sawbone T-bone Diner

419. in Redneck, where she majored in philosophy.

420. She's a social worker

421. and her favorite hobby is emasculation.

422. - Eugenie, in 25 words or less,

423. would you tell us what your philosophy is?

424. - Well, I believe that everyone,

425. no matter their race,

426. creed or color, should get a piece of the action.

427. - A piece of the what, Eugenie?

428. - A piece of the pie!

429. - Right!

430. Confidentially folks, I never thought she'd get that line.

431. - Oh fuck off, Bert!

432. - Everybody wants a Dinkleberry Frozen Chicken

433. Pot Pie and they'll do anything to get it.

434. - Who did that?

435. You do that?

436. - Yeah.

437. I didn't do it!

438. - Then what are you doing, taking her temperature?

439. - Boss, don't fire me!

440. I got a wife, three kids and a Shetland pony.

441. - You should've thought of that

442. before you dipped your pen in company ink.

443. - Oh man, gimmie a break, I'm in love.

444. - All right, you get one more chance.

445. But she's got to go.

446. - Whaddaya mean, I gotta go?

447. - That's right.

448. Just 'cause you got a pair of jugs

449. don't mean you rule the world.

450. - That's right!

451. - Mr. Swope?

452. - Clean out your locker.

453. - Up yours.

454. - Um hum, didn't mean to put down your jugs baby,

455. but gotta protect my interest.

456. - Mark Focus is waiting in reception.

457. - Thank you.

458. - Great window cleaner.

459. Don't drip and it don't streak.

460. But it smells bad.

461. Cleans good, but it smells bad.

462. - As a window cleaner, forget it.

463. Put soybeans in it for protein,

464. and we'll push it as a soft drink in the ghetto.

465. Lay a picture of a rhythm and blues singer on it

466. and we'll call it Victrola Cola.

467. - I think we got a winner.

468. - We'd better.

469. Or you and thatjism are gonna be back

470. in that drugstore where I found you.

471. - Yes sir.

472. - I'm okay.

473. - If your lip was hip, you wouldn't need no Jim.

474. The rose that is.

475. - How you son?

476. - I dunno baby, but I'm where I'm starting from.

477. I'm stacked up and I'm gonna stay stacked up.

478. But I wanna know about this Putney dude.

479. And the faggot at the taffy Department.

480. Plus a blonde faggot

481. in the taffy Department.

482. Next time he bends over and pick up the paperclips

483. then I'm gonna sock it to him right in his keister.

484. - Does he like dudes?

485. - I dunno man, but he's got a bossed around ass

486. in them tight bell-bottom pants, I know that.

487. - Well, if you're tripping

488. and you're going that way.

489. - Myjohnson get hard, Jim.

490. It knows no discrimination.

491. - Yeah, discrimination, huh?

492. - No, my johnson get hard, everything goes.

493. - Jism is okay, but you can can the trollops.

494. - Mr. Swope!

495. Mark Focus.

496. I did that for Hertz.

497. That's Colgate.

498. That's Nabisco.

499. That's IBM.

500. - I seen enough, Mark.

501. You're one of the best photographers in the business.

502. - Thank you.

503. - This printout I'm working on is perfect for you.

504. - If it's me, it's 9,000.

505. - 9,000?

506. I just want a picture of a light bulb with lipstick on it.

507. - Make it six.

508. - Hey man, it's going in a newspaper, not an art gallery.

509. - 1,200 is the best I can do.

510. - Forget it.

511. - 350.

512. I'll do it for nothing, I need the work.

513. - I can get anybody for nothing.

514. Take a walk.

515. - Lie la la Mohammed dura su li la, boss.

516. - Who do you think you are, Lawrence of Nigeria?

517. - Least I ain't jive.

518. - Big man.

519. - You wanna have din-din?

520. - Why have dinner?

521. I'm at 1293 Lennox, Apartment 4C.

522. - I got to be straight with you, girl, I'm engaged.

523. - Keep it to yourself.

524. Swope, I'm gonna bend your johnson.

525. - I'm ready.

526. - I'm gonna make you young again.

527. - Where is Lopez?

528. - Where you at, man?

529. - Stratosphere baby, stratosphere.

530. I'm stacked up over La Guardia

531. and I'm not coming down for nobody.

532. Not even you.

533. - Mr. Swope, Mr. Swope.

534. Brothers in the black room.

535. - Putney, Putney!

536. - Brothers in the black room.

537. - Putney, Sonny Williams, our copywriter,

538. just got busted at Radio City.

539. He was sitting in the first row

540. and when the Rockettes came on,

541. he opened and closed his raincoat and exposed himself.

542. - Bad PR.

543. Tell Sonny next time he shows it

544. I'll make him a creative director.

545. - Sonny?

546. If you don't straighten up,

547. we're gonna send you to Hollywood as a choreographer.

548. - Putney, we just sold 17 new accounts

549. and Cowboy says we have 156 million.

550. - Mr. Swope, Brothers in the black room.

551. - Putney, there's trouble in the black room.

552. - Mr. Swope, brothers in the black room.

553. - Just you and me, Swope.

554. You and me.

555. - I deal with housing in the community, bad plumbing,

556. bad heating and bad rats.

557. The only way to set to this thing straight

558. is with self-determination, self-respect and self-defense.

559. - We don't go for Jesus no more.

560. Violence is a cleansing force.

561. We must adjust ourselves to the level of our audience,

562. which is pretty low.

563. - Non-violence has proven to be non-functional.

564. So it's guns, baby.

565. The end result will be our own political,

566. social, economic future.

567. - My organization is pro-integration.

568. We're not hostile like these other groups.

569. - We can't do it legally, we'll do it legitimately.

570. You know, up front.

571. - Tanks, cocktails, guns baby.

572. - The pigs must cease the brutality, destruction

573. and murder of our brothers and sisters.

574. Or they'll suffer the consequences

575. from the armed people of the community.

576. - Bazookas!

577. Tanks!

578. Flamethrowers.

579. - My organization is pro-integration.

580. We're not hostile like these other groups.

581. - Lay some bread on it.

582. - Guns, baby.

583. - A gun is not gonna get you a job.

584. - It'll eliminate the competition.

585. - Who the hell wants a job?

586. You better get yourself a piece.

587. - Lay some bread on it.

588. Lay some bread on it.

589. Lay some bread on it.

590. - My group doesn't need your money, man.

591. But what we can use is your help on another level.

592. I believe that together with your power and my structure,

593. we could create a subliminal tremor throughout the land,

594. by using the advertising that comes out of your toilet.

595. A word here,

596. a phrase there,

597. innuendoes,

598. and subtleties.

599. - Lay some bread on it.

600. - And when the time is right man, we move in for the kill.

601. No mercy, stamp on them!

602. - What about the bread?

603. - Tap City.

604. When my ship comes in, I'll call you.

605. - You're a sham.

606. I'm gonna pull the covers off you.

607. - You ain't pulling the covers off of nobody.

608. - La-li-la-la-Mohammed ur ah su li la.

609. La li la la mixed-media.

610. Ra su li la

611. la la la la la la la la la.

612. Ah li la la Mohammed.

613. Hey man.

614. You're just the cat I wanted to see, man.

615. I was looking all around for you, Jim.

616. Do you know what, man?

617. Like I'm tired, I'm fed up.

618. I can't take no more.

619. I can't stand no more of Putney Swope, man.

620. Like, he's got to go, man.

621. 'Cause this cat is a jive cat, you understand?

622. You know what, man?

623. Like, I have been drubbin' his old lady.

624. Do you dig this?

625. And this cat has never said nothing to me, man.

626. I have called him out many a times

627. in front of all the people around here,

628. who kiss this cat's ass, man.

629. I don't kiss his ass.

630. 'Cause I call it like it is, man.

631. This man caught me with his woman

632. and still, this cat can't get rid of me,

633. 'cause I got the power, you understand?

634. I got the power, I got the talent

635. and I got everything that this cat wants.

636. He keeps me around here

637. because I make him look good, you understand?

638. And I'm tired of making this cat look good.

639. - Are you ready to die?

640. - Man, I'm ready to die.

641. I'm ready to go anywhere, do anything, see anybody,

642. walk, talk, smart, be anything, to do what I got to do, man.

643. And I'm died.

644. Dying means nothing to me, man.

645. You know, I also wanted to get things straight around here,

646. man, 'cause Putney Swope is a jive cat, man.

647. He can't talk.

648. He can't walk.

649. He can't sit.

650. Man, this cat can't do nothing right.

651. He was voted in here on a hummer.

652. - Mr. Swope, I'm tired of doing commercials.

653. I wanna do something more creative.

654. - Pick up your severance pay.

655. - Why?

656. - Did I ask you why when you said you wanted

657. to do something more creative?

658. - Nope.

659. - I feel like an Oreo cookie.

660. - You like a pile of shit.

661. - Are you putting me on?

662. - Where you been, Put?

663. - Mecca.

664. - The man says he's the President of the United States.

665. - Yeah?

666. - [President Of The United States] Putney Swope?

667. - Yeah?

668. - What do you mean, yeah?

669. Be congenial.

670. I want to extend to you my deepest congratulation.

671. It's very, very important to have a boy like you,

672. in such a prominent position.

673. It's good for me.

674. It's good for you.

675. And it might keep the summers cool.

676. I like your style, Swope.

677. So I'm gonna throw some business your way.

678. - I never chase foul balls.

679. - You are lot of laughs.

680. Next time I'm up in Big Town, we'll get together

681. and shoot up or something.

682. - What you want, man?

683. - Mr. Six, the man who owns the Borman Six

684. is a friend of mine.

685. Take care of him, quick!

686. Looks good.

687. He'll come around.

688. - Thank you.

689. Excellent, Mimeo!

690. I like the way you handle yourself on the telephone.

691. You're nobody's fool.

692. Except perhaps, mine.

693. But I'm glad I chose you for this job.

694. You've justified my faith in you.

695. However, Mimeo, there is one question.

696. This business about shooting up in the big town.

697. After all, a man in your position,

698. which is a rather strange position,

699. you have justified my confidence

700. in having chosen such a big man for this assignment.

701. There are however, one or two points

702. I would like to bring up.

703. After all, I'm sure Barnum and Bailey

704. wouldn't mind having you back.

705. So, please, I suggest you be a little more careful.

706. Mrs. Mimeo, you play divinely.

707. Perhaps you would like to play for me sometime.

708. Nice wife you have there, Mimeo.

709. It would be most unfortunate, would it not,

710. if anything should happen to her?

711. - Don't worry, Mr. Six, the Borman Six gonna be okay.

712. - I hope you're right Mimeo, for your sake.

713. But now, we have a moment of joviality.

714. We relax, you, Ruthie and I, we sit down,

715. we partake of a bit of grass, I've got some good shit.

716. Tell me something, Mimeo,

717. do you have the new Maximilian Schell album?

718. I love rock and roll.

719. Perhaps The Electric Pygmy?

720. Ruthie, you're looking lovely as ever my clear.

721. - From now on, if outsiders wanna talk to me,

722. they're gonna talk in my face.

723. No more telephones.

724. Too much communication.

725. - If you take out the phones,

726. how are we going to conduct business?

727. - With your head and your soul.

728. - That's right!

729. - That's unrealistic.

730. - If you want reality,

731. I'm gonna put you back on the streets.

732. - The dude's right.

733. We don't need phones.

734. I can get a message to California

735. quicker than you can make a phone call.

736. - How?

737. - The drum.

738. - Say what?

739. - The drum.

740. - What's that?

741. - Vibrations.

742. - Out O'Dinga, you're finished.

743. - I heard you fired Mr. O'Dinga.

744. - How did you find out?

745. - The drum.

746. - Hey, Lopez says this place is crazy.

747. - Who's Lopez?

748. - He's in my head.

749. - That's right.

750. - I've been running this tree hut

751. just like it was run before.

752. Straight into the ground.

753. I've made a few innovations, but not enough.

754. I have a feeling that there's a lot

755. of untapped talent around here.

756. So beginning right now, I want each and every one of you,

757. to conceive, write, produce and execute your own campaign.

758. If you don't think you can come up with something new,

759. then don't come up with nothing.

760. And if you don't feel that you're the creative type,

761. then pitch in and help somebody else

762. with what they're doing.

763. - Creative juices are flowing my main man.

764. You've liberated my muse.

765. - Picture a foxy chick sitting on a park bench,

766. the camera zooms underneath her dress

767. and you cut to a train coming out of a tunnel.

768. It's a commercial for the Long Island Railroad.

769. Like it's surreal man, surreal.

770. - Are you for surreal?

771. - I don't have any ideas, but it's good to know

772. that if I ever do, I'll be able to try them out.

773. - I just came up with three names for teenage skin creams;

774. No Blem, Squeeze No, and Face Off.

775. - Get rid of him.

776. - Mr. Swope, I think we should

777. do all our commercials in sepia.

778. And instead of having coffee breaks,

779. we should have watermelon breaks.

780. - Get rid of him, too.

781. - Hey, here's a poem I wrote when I was in jail.

782. Life is about a relentless journey to a path

783. with oncoming screeching cars

784. with headlights of boredom

785. and a bumper of social responsibility.

786. - Mr. President, did you hear about the woman

787. who asked her husband to walk out

788. to the garbage can with her?

789. "Are you out of your mind?" replied her husband.

790. "Not at all," replied the wife,

791. "I'd like the neighbors

792. "to know we go out together once in a while."

793. Mr. President, did you hear about the fellow

794. who was nine feet, eight inches tall

795. and wore a size 22 shoe?

796. And do you know what he did for a living?

797. He stamped out forest fires.

798. - Mimeo, what is that?

799. - The game warden wanted me to throw it back.

800. But I put up such a fight that I mounted it.

801. - Mr. President, this fellow who went down to Florida

802. to do a demonstration, a benefit show...

803. - Oh this is a real funny man.

804. Funny man!

805. - In a benefit show and they put up a special platform,

806. with a trap door.

807. - Mimeo, who is this schmuck you have hired,

808. he's babbling in your ear, over and over.

809. - And his...

810. - Mr. President, Mr. President?

811. What banality!

812. - Mr. President, and this fellow's show was so terrible

813. that when the trap door opened...

814. - Ruthie. - If it wasn't for the fact...

815. - If you would like a toke.

816. - That he had a rope around his neck...

817. - Come on put hair on your nose.

818. - He would have broken his legs.

819. And he couldn't kick.

820. Yeah, he is funny!

821. Actually, when I think about it, I knew he was funny.

822. - Mr. President?

823. Mr. President?

824. Mr. President?

825. Mr. President?

826. - Hey, it's cold in here.

827. Throw another Jew on the fire!

828. - Mr. President?

829. Mr. President.

830. There were three women in Florida.

831. Mr. President, there were three women in Florida...

832. - Sock it to me, baby!

833. - Describing what once.

834. Mr. President?

835. Mr. President?

836. - Oy!

837. Mr. President?

838. - I just created a skin cream called Face Off.

839. And I just come up with a whole new concept

840. for the Long Island Railroad.

841. - I love you, baby.

842. - I love you.

843. - I love you, baby.

844. - I love you.

845. - I love you, baby.

846. - I love you.

847. Did you take your pill?

848. - You'll never know.

849. - [President Of The United States] ls Mr. Swope in?

850. - Huh?

851. - This is President Mimeo.

852. - Yeah?

853. - [President Of The United States] Putney?

854. - Yeah.

855. - [President Of The United States] Guess who?

856. - Marcus Garvey.

857. - Nope.

858. Try again.

859. - President Mimeo.

860. - [President Of The United States] How did you guess?

861. - I used to be an exterminator.

862. - You might be saying, I used to have an agency,

863. if you don't get moving on the Borman Six.

864. - Why are you so hung up on the Borman Six?

865. - I'm a stockholder.

866. - Let me sleep on it.

867. - Good night, pal.

868. - Out!

869. - Swope, Mark Focus.

870. - Whadda you want?

871. - Did that for Hertz.

872. That's Colgate,

873. Nabisco...

874. - I seen enough, Mark.

875. You're one of the best photographers in the business.

876. - Thank you.

877. - Take a walk.

878. - Mr. President?

879. Mark Focus.

880. I did this for Kennedy.

881. I did this for Johnson.

882. I did this for Nixon.

883. And this was the Agnew Funeral.

884. - Have you a picture of Raquel Welch?

885. - Would you like to join us?

886. - Did you vote for me?

887. Well, it's okay.

888. - Beach Club Sunday.

889. - Come up with an idea for the Borman Six.

890. - I know nothing about automobiles.

891. - Give me an idea for the Borman Six.

892. - All right, if I ever think of anything, I'll let you know.

893. - Did you think of something?

894. The Borman Six, nitwit.

895. - Listen Swope, if you want me to come up with ideas,

896. get me a license!

897. Take me down to city hall and do what's right.

898. - Forget it.

899. - You forget!

900. - Mr. Swope, congratulations.

901. - What about the Bowman Sm'?

902. - Oh, all right.

903. What are they gonna feature next year?

904. - Defects, pollution, velvet safety belts,

905. strobe headlights, fiberglass windshields...

906. - okay-

907. You gotta get a young girl with soul.

908. - You better get moving on that freight elevator.

909. - Sonny Williams got picked up in the Bronx Holiday Inn,

910. with a 13-year-old girl.

911. - At least he's not superstitious.

912. - Your lawyer, who's his lawyer,

913. wants to be the prosecuting attorney.

914. - Get Sonny Williams in here, now!

915. - Would you like to come over

916. to my house and have some dainties?

917. - I don't exercise.

918. - Don't put me down.

919. I can't sleep because of you.

920. That's why I've got these valises under my eyes.

921. I'm in love with you, Myron X.

922. - My name is Rufus.

923. - I don't care what your name is.

924. You're my man.

925. - I'm not your man.

926. - Yes, you are.

927. - I'm not your man and I never will be.

928. - I don't care what you say to me.

929. You're my biggest fantasy.

930. I dream about you every night.

931. - That's okay.

932. Just don't send me the laundry bill.

933. - Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul!

934. Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul!

935. Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul!

936. Got to have soul!

937. Putney says the Borman Six girl has...

938. - Best shit on me.

939. - Yeah.

940. - Excuse me, Mr. Swope,

941. can I speak to you a minute?

942. - Sure.

943. - Mr. Swope, I do exactly the same job

944. as the other executives.

945. But I don't make as much money as they do.

946. I don't think that's right.

947. - If I give you a raise, everybody's gonna want a raise.

948. And if I give them a raise,

949. they'll still be making more money than you.

950. And we'll be right back where we started.

951. - I'd never thought of it that way.

952. - And that's why you get less money.

953. 'Cause you don't think.

954. - Thank you.

955. - I believe this.

956. This girl, she's got to have soul.

957. Don't you believe this?

958. She's got to have soul.

959. Putney says she's got to have soul, right?

960. See, she's got to have soul.

961. Putney says she's got to have soul.

962. Don't you believe she's got to have soul, Mr. Roth?

963. - Let's go, let's go.

964. Let's go.

965. - You can't eat an air conditioner.

966. - Beautiful, give everyone a 10 buck raise.

967. - What about the messengers?

968. - They charge an arm and a leg in there, but it's worth it.

969. - What's that for?

970. - Worth It Life Insurance.

971. Will the passenger holding,

972. lucky winning ticket 586, repeat, 586,

973. please report to the special lucky prize room,

974. at the rear of the aircraft?

975. Go Lucky Airlines.

976. - Who did that?

977. - You did.

978. It was your idea.

979. - Not bad, not bad.

980. - We'll have 12 more by sundown.

981. - I want these on the air by tomorrow night.

982. - Putney, in my humble opinion,

983. these commercials are tasteless.

984. - Putney, Myron X said you were tasteless.

985. - You said we were gonna do things with integrity and style.

986. What we're doing is worse

987. than anything our predecessors ever done.

988. Damn commercials are literal and they're disgusting.

989. And by advocating such filth,

990. Putney is confusing obscenity with originality.

991. - Let me un-confuse you, baby.

992. - Everybody that was in these commercials, you fired!

993. Ain't one of them around!

994. And I know you a jive cat,

995. 'cause you done made your last mistake

996. you ever gonna make, mister.

997. I seen that nonsense you trying to show us here.

998. You trying to dupe everybody in this joint.

999. Now what is this?

1000. We done taken the last bit of your nonsense, man.

1001. I'm not gonna take all this crap.

1002. Everybody knows you a jive nigger.

1003. You clone pulled all this jive shit.

1004. Your mother had a creative idea when she borne you,

1005. and you had to go and blow that!

1006. Then you gonna come and try to show us all this crap.

1007. A nigger sitting up there eating cornflakes.

1008. Man, you ain't had nothing original since you got here.

1009. You stole the idea about Borman Six.

1010. You got it from your wife!

1011. Are you gonna tell me that's a lie?

1012. One night she told me herself.

1013. And that little nephew who gave you

1014. that idea for that other thing and you got rid of him.

1015. Ain't nobody around who help you in anything.

1016. Everybody has either been shut up, cut up, or been put out.

1017. Can't you see this trash this man is trying to sell us?

1018. Look at you in the highwater pants.

1019. You jive nigger, look at your two-button suit.

1020. Now what kind of suit is that?

1021. You're supposed to be a soul brother.

1022. Look at these brother's here.

1023. Everybody's dressed up like pride and dignity.

1024. You ain't got none.

1025. Now what are you tryin to do?

1026. Ho ho oh ya ya, ya Va ya, yeah, yeah.

1027. This company runs because I'm here.

1028. And I'm gonna hate you if you don't get right.

1029. And you ain't right and I hate you.

1030. I hate you, you understand?

1031. I hate you because you a jive cat.

1032. You ain't got nothing inside!

1033. You got to go.

1034. You got to go or I got to go and I'm not going.

1035. Now how you like that?

1036. He ain't got a thing inside him.

1037. He ain't nothing but a shell.

1038. Hey man, you better let me go!

1039. I'm gonna get him!

1040. Shit!

1041. Get off me!

1042. - Cut!

1043. - Cu“!

1044. - Whatddaya think?

1045. - Keep the money, Swope.

1046. But don't put it on the air, or I'll be out of business.

1047. - What's wrong with it?

1048. - Too much tail-pipe.

1049. - Listen you, you lucky I'm pushing this death trap.

1050. I don't play.

1051. Goes on the air tomorrow night.

1052. - What the hell are you doing?

1053. - Making a delivery.

1054. - Well make it down the stairs

1055. and come back up the freight elevator.

1056. - It's 36 flights.

1057. - I don't care what it is.

1058. - Why do I have to take the freight elevator?

1059. I'm not a package.

1060. - Because it's custom.

1061. It's policy.

1062. - Love you, Walter.

1063. I love you more than anything else in the world.

1064. - I'll see you later.

1065. I love you, Walter.

1066. - I love you too, Mother.

1067. - You know you're not supposed to serve food

1068. without something on your head.

1069. I don't want your hair in my food.

1070. I told you a hundred times.

1071. - All right.

1072. - Get in the kitchen.

1073. - I'm sorry, this is such a...

1074. - Honey, I'm sorry about this sandwich.

1075. That tile man's got the kitchen so stacked high with tiles,

1076. cook can't cook anything.

1077. I'd send the damn tiles back,

1078. but you know we're having a dinner party on Friday.

1079. - How do you like working for Mr. Swope?

1080. - Oh you see, it's terribly difficult

1081. to run such a big house,

1082. but then, I really do think

1083. it's important this house is run well.

1084. And I'm not like, washing windows here.

1085. I'm sort of secretary in a very old-fashioned way.

1086. - Mr. Swope, do you think your approach

1087. to advertising will encourage young people

1088. to go into advertising?

1089. - I hope not.

1090. - Well, do you conceive your creations

1091. under the influence of drugs?

1092. - Hey Swope, whaddaya think of the Panthers?

1093. - They look good against the Bulldogs,

1094. but they need more depth at quarterback.

1095. - Last night between eight and 10 o'clock,

1096. only 14% of the usual amount of people,

1097. left the house to buy newspapers and ice cream.

1098. - Uh huh huh.

1099. - In essence, your commercials were so good

1100. that nobody left the house to buy anything or burn anything.

1101. Uh would you comment on that?

1102. - I think anything I would say would just be redundant.

1103. - Mr. Swope, where have you been all these years?

1104. - Laying in the cut.

1105. - Mr. Putney, did you sleep

1106. with your wife before you married her?

1107. - Not a wink.

1108. - What is your position

1109. on the checkerboard of life?

1110. - Is it true, do you refuse to advertise

1111. war toys, cigarettes and alcoholic beverages?

1112. - You said it.

1113. - Where did you get the name Truth and Soul?

1114. - In the streets.

1115. - Excuse me, Mr. Swopes.

1116. Gourmet magazine says your commercials are tasteless

1117. and that you should be censored.

1118. Now my question is, in what direction are you heading?

1119. - I'm gem' uptown.

1120. Can I give anybody a lift?

1121. - Get off of my short, baby!

1122. - One more question!

1123. - You little bitch!

1124. What are you doing out here?

1125. Get your ass in that house immediately.

1126. Go on, move.

1127. What do you think I have you for anyway?

1128. Come on!

1129. Get in there you motherfucker, get in!

1130. - I believe Mr. Swope asked you to use the freight elevator.

1131. - Since when is that your business?

1132. - Since right now.

1133. And if I catch you using that elevator again,

1134. I'm gonna tell Mr. Swope.

1135. - Is that Mr. Swope?

1136. - That's him, baby.

1137. "Oh!

1138. Mr. Swope?

1139. - Putney.

1140. Putney, Sonny Williams again.

1141. He was a guest on Dating Game and when he didn't win,

1142. he stood up and exposed himself again.

1143. CBS went off the air for seven hours.

1144. - Bail him out and get him in here.

1145. - Oh Mr. Swope, I'm Sister Basilica

1146. and this here is Billy Reilly.

1147. Billy's an orphan and he wants to be your pal.

1148. Now, if you want to be Billy's pal all you have to do

1149. is fill out the necessary papers

1150. and take him out of the settlement once a week.

1151. Oh you know, you can take him out to lunch,

1152. or take him for a ride...

1153. - You're taking me for a ride.

1154. - Oh be a pal!

1155. - Shouldn't you be at school?

1156. - Fuck you and fuck the establishment.

1157. And fuck you people who are trying

1158. to make me part of the unestablished establishment.

1159. - All right, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 11 o'clock.

1160. I'll take you to the zoo, then we'll go to the ball game.

1161. - Why don't you just adopt me and get it over with?

1162. - Don't push me, pal.

1163. - Whatever you decide, don't do it out of guilt.

1164. - Oh Bless you!

1165. If this stiff comes through we have it made.

1166. Come on.

1167. - Brother, you were voted in here on a jive hummer.

1168. Now how, when, are things gonna happen, man?

1169. Your whole cart has been peeped.

1170. When are thing gonna start to change?

1171. Where's the revolution you were talking about?

1172. There ain't nothing happening, there is no revolution

1173. the way you're running this joint, man.

1174. Now, when is something gonna happen?

1175. When are you gonna do it?

1176. When and how, what day?

1177. Gimmie a time, man.

1178. Show me how progress is gonna be made.

1179. There ain't no progress the way this is running now.

1180. - Putney, this is Sonny Williams.

1181. - Whadddya got to say for yourself, Sonny?

1182. - Don't feel bad, it's okay.

1183. Come on.

1184. - Now there's a man who is doing something.

1185. That is a revolution, man, don't you understand?

1186. When are you gonna start?

1187. When are you gonna do something?

1188. - Putney, the President of the United States wants

1189. to see you in three hours.

1190. He says he'll meet you halfway

1191. so it's all set for Philadelphia.

1192. - Mr. Swope?

1193. Mark Focus.

1194. I did this for Hertz, that's Colgate,

1195. that's Nabisco, that's IBM.

1196. Did this for Mr. Swope.

1197. That's Rockefeller.

1198. That's Rockefeller.

1199. - What are you gonna do for me?

1200. - What are you, nuts?

1201. - We made it, Put, it's phenomenal.

1202. We've thrown a tremendous hump into the cooling industry.

1203. - Who told you to open your mouth?

1204. - No one, it just happened.

1205. - All right.

1206. I created Face Off.

1207. I conceived the Borman Six and don't forget the mousetrap.

1208. The rest of you people took old ideas

1209. and broken down concepts and embellished them

1210. with a sense of show business.

1211. But that's not enough.

1212. When I see things that ain't fresh,

1213. I get butterflies in my ulcer.

1214. So from now on, you got to come up

1215. with completely original fantasies.

1216. Stop looking at the tube.

1217. Stop reading magazines and newspapers,

1218. and don't talk to strangers.

1219. And don't...

1220. - Mr. Swope?

1221. - Get on the freight elevator.

1222. - Get rid of him.

1223. - What do want me to do with him?

1224. - Get him a gig with the President.

1225. First day on the job

1226. and you get to meet President Mimeo.

1227. - I'll take him off.

1228. - How do you like my demonstrators, Swope?

1229. I put them in front of your building,

1230. 'cause you won't advertise cigarettes,

1231. war toys, and alcoholic beverages.

1232. And that's discrimination.

1233. I also hear you flipped over the Borman Six.

1234. Bum trip Swope.

1235. If you keep discriminating against those products,

1236. I'm gonna keep up the demonstration.

1237. It's a small world, Swope.

1238. Don't cross me.

1239. Let's move out.

1240. - Say please.

1241. - I said move out!

1242. - Back to welfare, Trigger.

1243. Okay, move out.

1244. - Rent yourself a short, schmuck!

1245. - Hin!

1246. My word, Hing!

1247. Maybe Hingleberry or Hingsaurio.

1248. Hing spells nothing,

1249. begins nothing possible unto Webster.

1250. It is my very, very own Hing!

1251. Hing in the teeth of the wind,

1252. and in the faces of governments and men.

1253. Hing!

1254. Hing uninvited, hing unexcited,

1255. Hing retiring into his own Hinghood!

1256. I built a wooden Hing once and fooled no one.

1257. I painted Hing in oils and ran out of canvas.

1258. But I shall follow wherever Hing lead,

1259. till Hing vanish into darkness.

1260. My word, Hing!

1261. - Get everybody into the conference room.

1262. - Got it.

1263. - Hing!

1264. - Put that out.

1265. - Lunger cigarettes Swope, whaddaya say?

1266. - Daly War Toys.

1267. We just came out with a new game

1268. called Cops and Demonstrators.

1269. - Bull Connor Bourbon.

1270. You name the price, Swope.

1271. - Lunger cigarettes, Swope, what do you say?

1272. - Ethereal Cereal.

1273. You saved me.

1274. - Fill this up.

1275. - Right.

1276. - I want everybody to drop whatever they're doing,

1277. and start thinking up ideas

1278. for Bull Connor Bourbon, Lunger cigarettes

1279. and a new game called Cops and Demonstrators.

1280. - I thought you said we wasn't gonna advertise

1281. that kind of stuff.

1282. - I changed my mind.

1283. - I thought only women changed their mind.

1284. - The man's copping out.

1285. - What you say?

1286. - I said you're a cop-out.

1287. - Get out of here!

1288. And don't come back either.

1289. - Shit.

1290. - You're a punk.

1291. If you wasn't my brother, I'd kill you.

1292. - I want these campaigns ready by five o'clock sharp.

1293. - Are you sure you wanna do this?

1294. - I already done it.

1295. - What do you really wanna do?

1296. Advertise garbage or do what's right?

1297. - Both.

1298. - The man's a genius.

1299. - Good people.

1300. I tested them but they did not cop.

1301. - You mean that whole scene was a put-on?

1302. - That's right.

1303. - There's eight million and change here.

1304. - Figure what's left and divide it up equally.

1305. Forget the messengers and forget the Arab.

1306. - Beautiful, baby, beautiful!

1307. - Putney, if you wanna push cigarettes and booze,

1308. it's all right with me.

1309. - That's right.

1310. - Putney, I don't care what you advertise,

1311. as long as I get my raise.

1312. - Brother, if you wanna advertise crap,

1313. that's your prerogative.

1314. You're my man.

1315. - That's right.

1316. - I'm with you, Put.

1317. Whatever the hell you wanna do, I'm with you.

1318. - You're a genius, Putney.

1319. Do your thing.

1320. - Putney, I hear you're splitting up the money equally.

1321. That's good.

1322. - How did you find out?

1323. - The drum.

1324. - The drum should have told you, you ain't getting a penny.

1325. - If I don't get my piece by sundown, your ass is mine.

1326. Hey, do you have my bread, brother?

1327. - The man says you gets nothing, Arab.

1328. - What?

1329. Man, you better get your story straight.

1330. What you talking about?

1331. The drum says equal shares for everybody.

1332. And everybody means me.

1333. Don't you understand, mister?

1334. So come out your dream world

1335. and get your story straight, man.

1336. Before I get hot here and I have

1337. to tell my cousin Sirhan Saran Wrap.

1338. - The man says you gets nothing.

1339. You gets nothing.

1340. - The man said I get nothing, then I gets nothing.

1341. You got a light?

1342. - Right.

1343. - Bonzai!

1344. Bonzai!