Psycho Goreman (2020)

1. Many moons ago on the distant planet of Gigax,

2. a nameless evil reigned supreme.

3. This ruthless being had amassed power beyond measure

4. and was preparing to strike down all that was good

5. and just in the universe.

6. Before he could fulfill his dark destiny,

7. the forces of light banded together,

8. and in their most desperate hour

9. toppled the dark one from his throne.

10. He was imprisoned in a place far beyond reach,

11. for if he were ever to be released,

12. it would spell certain doom for all existence.

13. Okay, here's the deal, men. Winner is champion of

14. the universe, loser gets buried alive.

15. Got it?

16. That's fair.

17. - Ready? - Set?

18. - Crazy Ball! - Crazy Ball!

19. You're toast, Mimi.

20. Not even close, you dork!

21. Ow, my butt!

22. Yes, five point butt bonus.

23. Swing ball.

24. One...

25. Crazy ball.

26. - Two... - Crazy ball.

27. - Three. - Three of a kind!

28. Four, alright, four points for me.

29. I'll get you at the switcheroo, crumb scum.

30. Just you watch.

31. Buckle up for a dirt sandwich, you little maniac.

32. Aaaah!

33. Switcheroo. Aaah!

34. I win!

35. Start digging, Luke.

36. Damn switcheroo.

37. Keep digging, boy.

38. Hey, hurry up so I can bury you and go to sleep already.

39. I'm gonna bring your bed into my room

40. and make one of those, oh, what do you call it.

41. Oh, super beds.

42. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

43. Is that a coffin?

44. Is this where they buried Grandma?

45. No, I don't think so.

46. Let me see.

47. It's really stuck in there good.

48. Maybe if I press those, it'll do something?

49. No, I'm the Crazy Ball champion so I get all the treasures.

50. Right, of course.

51. Let's see.

52. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

53. Dumb dumb chump, here we go.

54. Wow, first try.

55. Come to mama.

56. Cover it up!

57. Hurry, before mom and dad see.

58. Shovel faster, numnuts.

59. I'm trying.

60. Luke, Mimi, do you kids know what time it is?

61. - 9:00. - 9:00.

62. What happens at 9:00.

63. Get inside. It's time for bed.

64. Dad?

65. You okay, sport?

66. Is there such thing as monsters?

67. Well, here's the thing, Luke.

68. In a lot of ways, humans are the real monsters.

69. So I'd say yes.

70. Okay, what your genius father is trying to say is no,

71. there's no such thing as monsters.

72. What happened to your head?

73. Somebody lost at Crazy Ball.

74. Again?

75. Mimi, I don't want to keep going through this, okay?

76. Remember what we said last time you were playing kookie ball?

77. It's Crazy Ball!

78. Plus, it's not even my fault.

79. Check the tapes. Luke sucks.

80. It doesn't matter, okay?

81. You need to take it easy on your brother.

82. He won't want to play with you anymore.

83. What's the deal with monsters?

84. Are they fake? Are they real? All the above?

85. Yeah, what's with all the monster talk tonight?

86. It's just that, if there are monsters coming to kill us,

87. could you make sure they...

88. could you make sure they kill Luke first?

89. That's harsh. But okay.

90. Mimi, that's a horrible thing to say.

91. Why?

92. Dismissed.

93. Good night, wacko.

94. Dad!

95. Good night.

96. Look at this shit! There's not a pawn shop in town

97. that's going to want this crap!

98. If it's all garbage, why did that old guy put up

99. such a fight when we busted in?

100. I think I sprained my wrist clocking that geezer.

101. Look at this. Why the hell would you even grab this?

102. Suck my dick, asshole! It was dark.

103. And that's a nice frame.

104. Not any more.

105. What the hell did you say, buddy?

106. A variation of the Ironian tongue.

107. How primitive.

108. Let's just get out of here! This guy's on something.

109. Hey, you dickless shit.

110. We already killed one asshole tonight.

111. And we'll gladly do it again!

112. Your flesh is unevolved and weak.

113. Perhaps in a few millennia, you will make worthy adversaries.

114. But not today.

115. Hey, man, please, I don't want to die.

116. Then live forever.

117. This is a really big hole.

118. How did you even dig this? Huh?

119. Alright, first I want to say, great job on the hole, son.

120. - Thanks. - Second I want to say,

121. this is completely unacceptable.

122. - Oh. - Somebody's going to

123. have to fill this in.

124. Anybody.

125. One of you even.

126. - I vote dad. - Me too.

127. Yeah, me three.

128. And if I... when I vote, I will vote for all of

129. you three, as a family. - No, no.

130. Doesn't work that way.

131. Alright. So much for democracy, huh?

132. Do the dishes, Greg.

133. What made these?

134. If I had to guess, I'd say some wino

135. was on his way home from a bender last night.

136. Thought he could Evel Knievel

137. his way over this hole and fell in.

138. - What else could it be really? - Maybe a raccoon.

139. That doesn't make any damn sense.

140. Oh! Oh, oh, my hand.

141. - Are you okay? - Oh, God, my hand.

142. - Well, that didn't take long. - Oh, it hurts so bad, Susan!

143. - Okay, okay. - Oh, my God.

144. - Come on. - Oh, Susan.

145. Ow! Don't even look at it, it hurts.

146. Did you see the size of those freaking claw marks?

147. We need to tell somebody what happened.

148. Maybe we should go to the police.

149. I don't trust cops. Not one bit.

150. We're going to go search ourselves tonight.

151. That's crazy.

152. We don't know what was down there.

153. What's crazy is what a stupid wiener you can be some times.

154. Pull up your diapers because we're going to go find

155. what crawled out of your grave last night

156. like a couple of real American heroes.

157. Can you dig it?

158. Yeah. I dig it.

159. - Hey, man. - Hey, Alistair.

160. You beat Rage Master 64 yet?

161. Yeah, man, medium difficulty.

162. - No way. - Hey, kiddy.

163. You look good in your little outfit there.

164. Why don't you give us a spin, hunky boy?

165. Um, no thanks.

166. Never mind.

167. My math!

168. Is your sister crazy?

169. Mimi, look.

170. That way.

171. There's no way this was a dirty wino bum.

172. Look at how even his footsteps are.

173. Duh. When has dad ever been right about anything?

174. Yeah, good point.

175. I'm not going in there.

176. Here, take this.

177. I call it the Luke killer.

178. It will protect you.

179. How the hell does this work?

180. Ow! The damn thing cut me.

181. You're using it wrong.

182. Don't kill her Mark. I'm going to kill you.

183. Mimi, wait. Oh, crap.

184. Stop jumping at everything!

185. You're jumping, too.

186. I'm jumping because you're jumping!

187. This place is dangerous.

188. Didn't somebody die back when this was a shoe factory?

189. Nobody ever died from making shoes, Luke.

190. That's just crazy.

191. Besides, the most dangerous thing in here...

192. is me.

193. We should get out of here.

194. Hey, creep! We know you're in here.

195. Show yourself or...

196. or I'll break you into a pile of bones?

197. No, that wasn't good.

198. This is super dumb.

199. Let's go.

200. Is that fear I smell? How sweet.

201. Oh, my God.

202. Man, that's what this one called me.

203. Aah!

204. Are you also man?

205. You are much smaller creatures.

206. No matter.

207. You will suffer like the rest.

208. Know that in the sweet release of death

209. you'll be spared the sight of your planet

210. being torn to pieces, watching as everyone

211. you hold dear is drowned in a sea of their own blood.

212. Shut it!

213. No, I am not a man.

214. I am a wo-man.

215. And you're going to let go of my stupid wiener bro right now!

216. Mimi, look.

217. Is this yours?

218. Speak.

219. The gem of Praxidice.

220. This cannot be.

221. Believe it, buster.

222. Stop messing around and explain, scum.

223. The Geminia One, whoever wields it is able to command me

224. for as long as it's in their possession.

225. But know this, child.

226. The power you wield will be short lived.

227. Sure, sure. But first let's test this baby out.

228. Alright, Monster Mash.

229. Pick up my bro and, uh, spin him around a bunch.

230. Hey, come on.

231. Ah.

232. It hurts.

233. Alright, put the cry baby down.

234. Enough! The longer we play these childish games,

235. the more horrifying your deaths will be.

236. This is but a small example of what I am capable of.

237. His eternal pain will take his mind

238. beyond the furthest reaches of madness.

239. Preserved in an endless state of... no!

240. He was my masterpiece!

241. Oh, sorry man.

242. Thank you.

243. Do you have a name, Monster Man?

244. No name can encompass my dark will.

245. Though my enemies will sometimes refer to me

246. as the arch duke of nightmares.

247. Well, that sucks.

248. Never mind. We can workshop this.

249. Luke!

250. - Yeah? - I want names.

251. They've got to be fresh, they've got to be cool.

252. Go.

253. We can't name it. He's going to kill us.

254. Ha! You would pray for something so simple.

255. I will drink your endless screams as I rip...

256. Dinosaurus Flex.

257. That's not bad actually.

258. - Rexothundrax? - Cobrala Khan.

259. Revenge X Bad Lord.

260. - Heartless Creep. - Oh, Rip Lord.

261. How about Shadow Slammer? Or even Merman.

262. Nemesis Grim Night.

263. No, too sinister.

264. How about Dark Lord of Wonderful Smooches?

265. I will never accept such a title.

266. Stop running and clap your hands,

267. you know, for a while at least.

268. How about Psycho Man?

269. Mm, Goreman?

270. That's it.

271. Did I get it?

272. No.

273. Stop that annoying clapping!

274. His name will be...

275. Psycho Goreman!

276. Or PG for short.

277. I don't see how that's better than Archduke of Nightmares.

278. Psycho Goreman, that's great.

279. It's fun, it's hip, it's wow, and it's now.

280. You're making a terrible mistake,

281. you putrid little creature.

282. Soon I'll get the gem back, and when I do...

283. Nice to meet you, PG. I'm Mimi.

284. And I'm Luke.

285. Aaah! I wield powers unimaginable

286. to your simple minds.

287. Soon you will beg me for mercy.

288. But know that you will only receive pain.

289. Knock knock?

290. What?

291. Knock knock?

292. Have you succumbed to madness already?

293. Just say "who's there" already.

294. Geez, what planet are you from?

295. Gigax.

296. Who's there?

297. Me. Crazy Ball champion of the universe.

298. And the champion says...

299. go over there, sit down, shut up,

300. and wait for us to come back in the morning.

301. You dig?

302. Dig what?

303. Go!

304. You will suffer in eternity for this!

305. Yeah, yeah.

306. Bye-e-e-e-e-e!

307. I wonder what it's favorite shows are.

308. Do you think it likes grilled cheeses and tacos?

309. We should bring him some welcome goodies

310. before we take him out on the town.

311. What do you mean take him out on the town?

312. I got to show him off.

313. I'll be the coolest kid in school.

314. He's going to kill everybody if we take him anywhere.

315. No, he won't. Not unless I tell him to.

316. Mimi, I'm pretty good at going along with your crazy ideas.

317. But we need to think about this one.

318. Fine. I should probably teach him some cool tricks anyways.

319. See what kind of slick stuff he can do.

320. Watch out, world, it's Mimi's time to shine.

321. The vasiaults have analyzed the cosmic resonance

322. and confirmed our suspicions.

323. The ultimate evil has awoken.

324. How can this be possible?

325. Who could have deciphered the sequence

326. that released the gem of Praxidice?

327. I approved the sequence myself.

328. Whoever solved it must have intelligence

329. that far surpasses our own.

330. Which is a notion that I find quite preposterous, I must say.

331. - Preposterous? - That's right.

332. Enough!

333. Our mistake was being merciful to that demon

334. instead of wiping him from the galaxy forever.

335. It is clear that the rules of the Gigaxian unity accords

336. have failed us.

337. What do you suggest we do, Templar Pandora?

338. It's time to elect justice through the Templar code.

339. There will be no trial for that abomination.

340. The only verdict is for him to die by my hand.

341. He has single handedly extinguished entire planets

342. from existence.

343. How do you expect to defeat him on your own, hm?

344. I do not fear him.

345. I have faith that the gods will watch over and protect me.

346. Ooh, sounds like a load of superstitious nonsense to me.

347. What was that?

348. - Huh? - Huh?

349. No, no, no. I didn't say anything.

350. - You don't believe me? - I believe you, Templar.

351. It's just, we're boys having a laugh.

352. And...

353. Just a bit of... - Just what?

354. I think it's an excellent plan so why don't we just move on?

355. Lots of things to discuss here.

356. Aah!

357. Do you not believe that it is my destiny to vanquish

358. this darkness from the universe?

359. I... would leave...

360. Never forget that it was we, the Templars,

361. that cleansed your worlds of the dark one's scourge.

362. It was the will of the gods that saved you,

363. and they can just as easily have you all wiped from existence.

364. Remember this.

365. Yes, you're very kind.

366. What are the creatures of this planet?

367. Humans, your holiness.

368. Bring me one of these human things.

369. - Where am I? - Come here, my dear.

370. Don't be afraid.

371. He will not escape us this time.

372. The light of heaven will always extinguish the darkness of evil.

373. May the gods watch over me.

374. And the president said,

375. "But, Mimi, every day's your birthday."

376. Then we started eating the whole cake

377. while they broadcasted it to the whole world.

378. And that's when I woke up.

379. Which really sucked because

380. I wanted to finish that tasty cake.

381. Okay, so who's this guy you have got living

382. in the old shoe factory?

383. You're going to love him, Alistair.

384. He's this big scary monster that wants to kill everybody.

385. Huh?

386. Hey, could one of you guys help me with this?

387. No, thanks.

388. Holy crud.

389. I know, right?

390. PG, wake up!

391. PG, wake up. I want you to meet our friend, Alistair.

392. Wait, were we supposed to feed him?

393. You alive, buddy?

394. Aaah!

395. Stop!

396. Nice try.

397. Anyways, Alistair, this is Psycho Goreman.

398. Or PG for short.

399. - Hi. - Silence!

400. Okay.

401. We've brought you some reading material, PG.

402. And a TV to watch. Did you sleep okay?

403. I'm sorry we didn't bring any pornos.

404. Petty displays of wealth.

405. How can your short life spans allow such narcissism?

406. Yeah, but look at all the hunky boys.

407. I do not care for hunky boys.

408. Or do I?

409. PG, can I ask you something?

410. No!

411. PG, I don't like that attitude.

412. Be nice, please. Luke, ask him again.

413. Can I ask you something?

414. What?

415. What are you?

416. That is a tale bathed in the blood

417. of a million dead memories.

418. I was born in a time before time, on the planet Gigax.

419. A world light years from your own.

420. My entire existence was servitude,

421. under the rule of beings that claimed to serve a higher power

422. that governed over us all.

423. These entities, known as the Templars,

424. had no more divine purpose

425. than the dirt I excavated to help build their churches.

426. But still they were able to crush the people of Gigax

427. beneath their gilded heels.

428. The Templars preached to us their holy scriptures,

429. declaring their rightful ownership of Gigax.

430. To them, we were nothing more than parasites

431. trespassing on hallowed ground.

432. That candy was weird.

433. But then one day every thing changed.

434. I discovered an artifact thought to be lost forever,

435. forged by ancient Gigaxian warlocks out of energy

436. from the darkest corners of the galaxy...

437. the gem of Praxidice.

438. The moment I took the gem in my hand

439. and felt its immense power, my destiny was clear.

440. I would destroy the Templars

441. and anyone else that stood against me.

442. The gem bonded with me

443. and gave me power beyond all other beings.

444. I was able to raise an army led by my loyal generals,

445. the Paladins of Sydion, and take back Gigax.

446. But I didn't stop there.

447. It was clear that my thirst for death would only be

448. satiated if I snuffed out all light in the universe.

449. But I was overthrown and imprisoned

450. by the Templars and their planetary alliance.

451. They stole the gem and, with it, my power.

452. To this day, I do not understand how such weak minded insects

453. could defeat the greatest power in the galaxy.

454. TV's working.

455. Well, that boring dumb story made me tired.

456. Let's go, guys.

457. PG, your homework is to watch more TV

458. and learn how to be more fun.

459. Otherwise...

460. I will have to punish you.

461. Well, it was nice meeting you.

462. It would nicer if you were dead.

463. Alright, bye.

464. Energy runs through this box.

465. It might be enough.

466. Spirits of the electroverse, find my world and alert

467. the Paladins of Sydion that their master walks again.

468. The gem of Praxidice has been taken

469. by two brainless meat children.

470. You must attain the gem even if it has to be pried

471. from their tiny dead hands.

472. Thanks for having me to stay over

473. for dinner, Mrs. Hallenbeck.

474. Glad to have you, Alistair.

475. Yes, very glad to have you.

476. Well, I was busy filling in that hole in the backyard,

477. so unfortunately, Mr. Hallenbeck

478. had the pleasure of playing master chef tonight.

479. How great is this chicken, Alistair?

480. It's my special recipe.

481. It's, uh...

482. It's a little tough, Dad.

483. The microwave will do that.

484. But it sure brings out the flavor.

485. What did you three maniacs get up to?

486. We, um... Ow!

487. We were playing guns in the forest.

488. Guns? Now that sounds like fun.

489. Back when I was in the army, we used to play guns all the time.

490. Except it was called the Iraq War.

491. We played for keeps.

492. Meaning I killed people.

493. Okay, don't listen to GI Joker over here.

494. He's never fired a gun in his life.

495. - Anyways... - Can me and Alistair

496. play video games?

497. Mm-hmm. Just put your plates by the sink, okay, honey?

498. But, Alistair, games are for nerds.

499. Wouldn't you rather go in the driveway

500. and throw basketballs at Luke or something?

501. Oh, uh, yeah, thanks.

502. But I just really want to play some vids.

503. Come on, let's go.

504. Guess I'll play by myself then.

505. Hey, Mimi.

506. Can you come back and finish your broccoli?

507. No, I cannot, because champions don't eat broccoli!

508. Well, she finished my delicious chicken.

509. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?

510. No, she didn't.

511. And then I heard Kyle put all his pubes in a bag

512. and sold them to Mason for five bucks.

513. Isn't that crazy?

514. Dude, what's he going to do with a bag of pubes?

515. What the frig are you doing?

516. - But... - Took you long enough.

517. I don't have all night.

518. Time is a false construct that only exists for

519. primitive beings unable to phase into the ninth dimension.

520. Also I got lost.

521. Mimi, what the heck are you doing?

522. He can't be here.

523. He can be wherever I want him to be.

524. Remember?

525. Heads up, dumpy butt.

526. Bulls eye!

527. This reminds me of an ancient torture technique

528. I learned from the worms of Janus many moons ago.

529. Should I go?

530. This is getting a little weird.

531. Those were good people, those worms.

532. I don't care about your stupid ancient techniques.

533. Unless they can make Alistair stop being such a freaking dork.

534. I once used my dark magic to help the warlord of Zatonia

535. seduce the moon princess.

536. I can do the same for you if you wish.

537. You can make him want to chuck basketballs with me.

538. Alright, I'm going to bounce. Good night, everybody.

539. Do it.

540. So be it.

541. Your wish is my command.

542. Oh, Jesus!

543. Greg, what did you do to the microwave?

544. Cooked a great meal for my family, that's what.

545. You're welcome.

546. It's totally wrecked.

547. You're welcome.

548. That's great.

549. Oh, my God.

550. What did you do to him?

551. Get away from my kids!

552. My lucky bat!

553. Come on!

554. Greg, what the hell are you doing?

555. Aaah!

556. You dare stand against me with such a weak excuse for a weapon?

557. No, I didn't. She did. She did.

558. You asshole!

559. Don't hurt my parents. That's an order.

560. Um, Mom, dad, I want you to meet my new best pal,

561. Psycho Goreman, or PG for short.

562. I don't care what his name is, you need to call the police.

563. Are you kidding me?

564. What's a cop going to do against this thing?

565. - Is he going to kill us? - No way.

566. PG's a big softy.

567. He wouldn't hurt anybody. Right, buddy?

568. My entire existence is built on death and destruction.

569. I will kill you both.

570. No, no, no, no. No, you won't.

571. PG's just being a goof. He's family now. Don't worry.

572. Be worried.

573. When I'm free of your daughter's control,

574. I will bath in your blood.

575. Ha! PG, you're such a whack job!

576. I will kill you.

577. Hey, asshole! Nice Halloween costume!

578. What the fuck, man?

579. So tomorrow we've got a tight schedule.

580. We're bowling at 10:00, and then a light picnic brunch,

581. which we'll have to have around noon

582. so that Mom can take us to the grocery store.

583. I've set aside four hours for baking

584. so hopefully that's enough time to bake all 12 cakes.

585. Wow.

586. I wish my face could do that.

587. What do you eat back at home, PG?

588. Food is not only for sustenance back on Gigax.

589. It's part of an honor code.

590. To be eaten is considered a warriors death.

591. I remember during the battle on the Bridge of Souls.

592. I've got it. Here's the new plan.

593. Six hours for baking,

594. and we push upside down karaoke to Sunday.

595. Boom!

596. Does that... Of course it does.

597. Case closed. Judge Mimi will return after these messages.

598. Don't mind if I do.

599. I was going to eat those.

600. I think you've had enough, fatso.

601. Champion's got to eat.

602. So good.

603. Hello, boy.

604. What is happening right now?

605. You have crossed the dream barrier

606. and are traversing the nightmare realm.

607. It is here where I am able to communicate with your privately.

608. Hidden in your dark thoughts.

609. What do you want?

610. You know what I want.

611. The gem.

612. This sick game must come to an end.

613. Get it for me so that I can be free.

614. I can't do that.

615. Mimi found the gem.

616. It belongs to her now.

617. Finders keepers, that's the law.

618. How long before others learn of my awakening

619. and invade this quiet little planet of yours?

620. Sooner or later, the gem will be mine.

621. Help me now, and I might consider sparing your life.

622. I can't betray my sister like that.

623. Do you think she would grant you the same courtesy?

624. No.

625. I see the way she treats you.

626. These small torments are just the beginning.

627. How long before she puts her life before yours?

628. She would never do that.

629. I think.

630. You know this is the only way.

631. Give me the gem so we can both be free of her madness.

632. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do it.

633. It will lead to bad things if I help you.

634. Fine!

635. You are stronger than I thought.

636. But also incredibly stupid.

637. So... what happens now?

638. We wait for this dream of yours to conclude.

639. Okay.

640. Alright, cats, what I'm about to teach you today is confidential.

641. The government can not, under any circumstances,

642. find out about this game.

643. Got it?

644. Okay, so there's two teams.

645. Each team starts by throwing their balls as far away...

646. So you got to run and get the other teams balls in...

647. Chuck them at your opponents, the other player throws their

648. ball as high as they can... - And then spin around like this.

649. Each Jumping Jack gives you a point.

650. Then whoever gets hit has to take the ball.

651. But only while the opposing player is doing...

652. But there is a special move called the switcheroo.

653. Which happens when two balls collide in mid air.

654. And when that happens, whoever punches their opponent first

655. gets all of the other team's points plus one.

656. Okay, the game ends when you reach 67 points.

657. I have no idea what's going on. Do you?

658. Oh, no.

659. Get away from the kids!

660. Right now!

661. What the hell is that thing?

662. - Just remember your training. - There's no time. Shoot him!

663. I should have let those hit you.

664. Hurry up, PG. We don't have all day.

665. You are protectors of this realm?

666. I was expecting something a bit more impressive.

667. Who are you?

668. Who am I?

669. Let me show you, law dealer.

670. Ahh.

671. I am your master now.

672. Tell your people darkness has fallen.

673. Resist the eclipse of my power again

674. and I will not show you the mercy

675. I've shown your friend.

676. Run.

677. Vince, give me the key!

678. Here, another contestant for your game of nonsense.

679. PG, now I have to start all over again.

680. Okay, so there's two teams.

681. Each team starts by throwing their ball

682. as far away from the other team as possible.

683. Do you get it?

684. See, he gets it.

685. Glad one of you monster boys understands.

686. That soulless husk is just telling you

687. what you want to hear.

688. Whatever, you're dumb, I get it.

689. Let's play.

690. Oh, I get Alistair's done for the day.

691. Bye, Alistair.

692. I'll be right back, you morons. Don't move.

693. Are you okay, buddy?

694. Yeah, it's just...

695. What?

696. Do you think I'll ever be normal again?

697. Probably not. But who cares?

698. I like you just the way you are.

699. Oh, okay.

700. Bye, Alistair! You beautiful blob.

701. So the "F" word works in a lot of different ways.

702. If you stub your toe, you can be like, "Ow, my frigging toe!"

703. Or if you see something weird or crazy,

704. you can be like, "What the frig?"

705. But the best one is when you're telling someone off.

706. You can be like... you tell it to them, Luke.

707. Frig off.

708. Use that on someone you really hate.

709. What is this? Some kind of special card?

710. What is this junk?

711. I told you guys to write me love letters

712. telling me how amazing I was!

713. What a waste of beautiful card.

714. What is love?

715. You know, have you ever felt all warm and fuzzy about somebody?

716. Like when you rip out your enemy's spine

717. and display it to their grieving family?

718. No, not... no, not exactly.

719. Love is...

720. Love is a happy feeling towards somebody you care about.

721. You feel complete.

722. Even if you didn't think you were missing something

723. in the first place.

724. All I feel is anger and hate. I will never be whole.

725. Don't worry about it, PG. Love is for losers anyway.

726. Oh, yeah? I thought you were so in love with Alistair.

727. That doesn't count.

728. We're just friends that are going to get married

729. and be together forever.

730. And fight a lot, like mom and dad do.

731. PG, I don't like the way Luke's making fun of me.

732. Kill him, please.

733. No, please!

734. Stop!

735. Just kidding!

736. Your face. You're such a scaredy cat.

737. And you're just... no!

738. So close.

739. That's it!

740. Now you get to pull the wagon.

741. Faster, you dog.

742. Hey, buddy. You're safe now.

743. It was horrible.

744. His eyes.

745. It's like he was looking into my soul.

746. And Vince.

747. Excuse me, human. I'm searching for a nameless evil

748. that was buried here long ago.

749. He's awoken and has most likely slaughtered

750. half your people already.

751. Have you seen him?

752. No offense, ma'am, but that description is a little vague.

753. I've seen him! That think that killed Vince!

754. Emmett O'Brien, didn't you listen to a thing

755. that this poor man says?

756. No.

757. God, you're a dumb ass.

758. I must find him. Give me everything.

759. Something's coming.

760. What? You got to dump?

761. Welcome back to the land of the living, master.

762. Spare me the theatrics, Dark Scream.

763. What took you so long?

764. We came as soon as we could, my lord.

765. Let me be the first to say

766. that we are all so very glad to see that you're alive.

767. PG, are these silly little guys your friends?

768. Why don't you introduce us?

769. They don't look very friendly.

770. Ah, yes, Paladins, this is Mimi and...

771. her brother.

772. It's Luke.

773. You should know my name by now.

774. They are the humans responsible for freeing me.

775. That's right. You're welcome.

776. Mimi has the Gem of Praxidice.

777. Don't worry. She doesn't know how to use it.

778. You may kill them now.

779. You fool. Why would we do that?

780. Excuse me?

781. We like things the way they are now.

782. You must be joking?

783. Far from it, master.

784. We are quite content with running the fifth moon

785. of Gigax ourselves, sharing the duties equally.

786. We take turns as the appointed leader

787. so everyone gets a fair chance.

788. As you can see, it is currently my turn.

789. Let me guess, you made a deal with those righteous idiots,

790. the Templars.

791. In exchange for your imprisonment,

792. they agreed to spare us any further inconveniences.

793. I put my trust in the worst the galaxy has to offer,

794. and this is how you repay me?

795. I should have known better.

796. Except for you, Cassius 3000.

797. I always knew I couldn't trust you.

798. Huh, come on. We all knew this day was coming.

799. So why don't you lay down and die like a good little boy?

800. Yeah, like a good little boy, yeah.

801. You imbeciles.

802. Pandora's crusade will not stop with me.

803. Her gaze will fall upon your wretched hides soon enough.

804. Your shared crown is nothing but a symbol

805. of your own incompetence.

806. Then we will trade this crown

807. for one made from your shattered skull.

808. Kill him!

809. PG, you jerk!

810. Stop right there!

811. What? No!

812. What are you doing?

813. You told them to kill me!

814. They're going to kill you instead.

815. See how you like it.

816. Ahh.

817. How long is this going to go on for?

818. What do you mean?

819. I mean, shouldn't he apologize or something?

820. No, it's all right. Hey, PG!

821. - What? - Apologize.

822. I'm sorry.

823. Not good enough.

824. Let's try this again, but this time,

825. you got to really mean it.

826. A ruler never apologizes.

827. It's a betrayal of everything I stand for.

828. I would die... Aah!

829. Yes, scream for me.

830. Fine, you don't want to give me a real apology,

831. that's your problem.

832. Come on, Luke. We go.

833. Wait!

834. Wait.

835. Yeah, do you have something you'd like to say?

836. I am truly sorry, little creature.

837. Great. Apology accepted.

838. Now, was that so hard?

839. Go get them, dude.

840. Yes!

841. Ha-ha!

842. Oh, my...

843. Taste of my magic, witch master.

844. No way, lady.

845. You chose this, now live with the consequences.

846. Please spare me.

847. Look into the pool and see the horror that dwells

848. inside true darkness.

849. Do you see? That's where real darkness lies.

850. Within ourselves.

851. I... understand now.

852. Good.

853. Maybe in the afterlife you can be crowned the king of fools.

854. Gloat all you want.

855. Soon enough the Templars will find you.

856. And throw you back in your dark prison forever.

857. Despite being a gibbering idiot, you fought honorably.

858. So I will give you a warriors death.

859. No, please.

860. The horrors you've just witnessed cannot be unseen.

861. Your young minds will carry this

862. until it consumes you in a miserable death.

863. Cool.

864. Can we go home now?

865. Yes.

866. It's time to rest.

867. PG, what's wrong?

868. I'm dying.

869. - What? - What?

870. Of course.

871. They must have saved my blood from the battle

872. of the zone keepers and cursed their blades with it.

873. Clever move, Dark Scream.

874. We can't move him ourselves.

875. We need to call for help.

876. Great idea, dingus!

877. How are we going to do that?

878. Well, I don't know, cowboy cat,

879. what is the difference between a saddle and a can of paint?

880. - You're going to love this one. - What is this? What is that?

881. Oh, yeah. I bought a new TV.

882. In other news, I'm going to take a couple of weeks off work

883. till my hand can heal completely.

884. So you might want to pick up a few extra shifts

885. at the pharmacy.

886. You dumped me for this beauty.

887. - No! - Hey. What the frig?

888. Maybe you should pull up your pants, huh?

889. Just hike them up, pack up your precious TV,

890. get your lazy ass out of this house.

891. Lazy?

892. How dare you!

893. You know how much I hate that word.

894. My parents used it, my teachers used it.

895. And now you?

896. Shame on you, Susan.

897. You're better than that.

898. You know what I hate, Greg?

899. I hate how you will find any excuse you can

900. not to go to work, help with the kids,

901. do anything whatsoever around the house.

902. Oh, I don't do a damn thing, huh?

903. Let's have it. What do you do, huh?

904. I'm waiting.

905. Oh, you think you're frigging better than me, huh?

906. You think you're frigging better than me, huh?

907. Well I have a BA in English.

908. What have you done with your life?

909. Huh? What have you done with your life?

910. I ask you.

911. Find me!

912. Find me or you all die!

913. Aaaah!

914. What the frig?

915. Where am I going?

916. The ravine near highway 11 and Ryerson Avenue!

917. Aaah!

918. Oh! Oh!

919. I don't know where that is.

920. Aaaah!

921. Go south of Prescott Road

922. until you reach the second set of lights!

923. Go!

924. - Come on! - Hurry!

925. Over here! Go faster!

926. Right here!

927. No, no, no.

928. Aaah!

929. I'm sorry, PG.

930. You should be. This is all your doing.

931. Could you move over and make room for my wagon please?

932. Thanks, bud.

933. You think I'm lazy, PG?

934. Who's mom talking to?

935. Kids, kids get out of the truck and come inside.

936. Why? Who's the skirt?

937. She needs to talk to your friend, okay?

938. It isn't safe out here.

939. Come, children.

940. You don't want to be anywhere near that... thing.

941. Pandora.

942. I see you've come to cleanse the universe of me once again.

943. Immaculate timing as always.

944. Drop the disguise and show these humans the face

945. they will bow to once you enslave them

946. into endless servitude.

947. Endless servitude?

948. Sounds like being married to you, Susan.

949. Greg, shut up and get out of the truck.

950. Kids, come inside, okay?

951. Let these two figure their shit out.

952. Dad, don't.

953. Just do what she says, child.

954. I will not ask you again.

955. Uh, excuse me?

956. You don't talk to me like that.

957. Luke, here's my idea.

958. You go beat her up, and we'll drive away.

959. She doesn't look that tough.

960. Do not let her weak human skin fool you.

961. She will strike you down immediately.

962. Good to know. Thanks, PG. Luke, beat her up.

963. But PG just said...

964. Shut up, your wiener, and go fight her like a hero!

965. Do it now!

966. You know what, Mimi?

967. I can't. I just can't.

968. You go beat up that lady right now!

969. I'll bash her brains if you don't.

970. This has gone too far. I've had enough.

971. You can't push me around anymore.

972. Fine! Then you're out of the band!

973. Greg, for once in your lazy ass life,

974. you don't actually have to do anything, okay?

975. Just get out of the truck and come inside.

976. How's this for lazy, Susan?

977. Greg.

978. Hang on, kiddo.

979. Greg, don't even thing about it!

980. Bye!

981. We must act fast before he's able to regenerate.

982. This beast will consume all the light in the universe

983. if we don't stop him.

984. Okay. So what do we do?

985. Follow me.

986. Slowly, slowly.

987. Gonna wrap you up, okay, PG?

988. I feel my life slipping away.

989. Stay with me, PG.

990. I'm not going to let you go.

991. There's only one remedy for this curse.

992. You must give me the gem.

993. What?

994. No, no, you'll kill everybody.

995. It's the only way.

996. The gem is linked to my life force.

997. Once it's in my possession, I will regain my strength.

998. Excuse me.

999. Mr. Goreman.

1000. Can I get a moment alone with my daughter, please?

1001. Thank you.

1002. How you doing?

1003. Dad, I'm sacred.

1004. I don't know what to do.

1005. First off, that's a lie.

1006. I know for a fact you've never been scared

1007. of anything in your life.

1008. That's true.

1009. Look, I know I'm not a good dad or a smart dad.

1010. But I still have some dad wisdom for you.

1011. When I was your age, a weird guy in a van outside my school asked

1012. if I wanted to see his baseball cards.

1013. I said yes without thinking.

1014. And he took me in the back of his van

1015. and showed me his giant collection

1016. of pristine baseball cards.

1017. I had a lot of fun.

1018. And I'm thankful I put my trust in that creepy weirdo.

1019. So I think you should trust your weird murdering monster friend.

1020. It's the grown up thing to do.

1021. Thanks, Dad. That makes a lot of sense.

1022. No problem, kiddo.

1023. I need a bit of a think.

1024. I'll be in my office if you need me.

1025. Your partner made a very poor choice taking the evil one

1026. from us.

1027. Oh, wow!

1028. My mistake was letting him live.

1029. It was selfish of me to want him to suffer forever.

1030. I won't make that mistake again.

1031. Drink it.

1032. It's time for you to stand beside me

1033. and right the wrongs of this universe.

1034. I'll drink that.

1035. Is it gross?

1036. The final battle has begun.

1037. The fate of the universe rests in Pandora's hands.

1038. And what if she fails?

1039. Then there will be no stopping him.

1040. She is our last hope.

1041. Stop hogging these blugels. They're for everyone.

1042. Pass those blugels.

1043. Hi, God.

1044. Now, I know I don't do all the goody two-shoes stuff

1045. you say everybody should do, but I can't help it.

1046. And I'll do whatever the heck I want, okay?

1047. Anyways, I need your advice.

1048. A huge battle between evil and worse evil is about to go down.

1049. And I have a very big decision to make.

1050. What shades should I wear?

1051. That's a trick question.

1052. I know I'm going to wear the zebra ones.

1053. In conclusion, why am I even talking to you?

1054. There's a new God in town, and his name is Psycho Goreman.

1055. And he's coming for you, buddy.

1056. So this TV won't stop bleeding.

1057. Okay, here's the deal, man.

1058. I'll give you the gem so you can kill that mean lady.

1059. But you have to promise that you won't kill us, okay?

1060. I will not kill you, little creature.

1061. Or your family of idiots.

1062. Do you mean it?

1063. Yes.

1064. Wait, what about telling him not to kill everybody else

1065. on the planet?

1066. Oh, yeah. Oops.

1067. Oops is right.

1068. Oh, crud.

1069. What? Where's the gem?

1070. Your time is up, evil one.

1071. Oh, man! Get out of here, lady!

1072. Step aside, Mimi!

1073. Mom?

1074. Susan?

1075. - Hi. - Shut up, thief.

1076. Just walk away, child.

1077. It's time I rid the universe of this cursed thing.

1078. Give me the gem, boy.

1079. No, not until my family is safe.

1080. That's the deal.

1081. You don't get it.

1082. Do you, lady?

1083. Nobody tells me what to do.

1084. Not you, not her, not him.

1085. Yeah.

1086. Not the president. Not anybody!

1087. Mimi, this is serious!

1088. Stop it right now!

1089. Never, ever, ever!

1090. That's some good parenting, honey.

1091. I wish I could help.

1092. I'm just too damn lazy.

1093. You!

1094. Whoa.

1095. Susan.

1096. Think about what you're doing here.

1097. Hey.

1098. Aaaah!

1099. Mimi, stop!

1100. Shut up, you fat traitor!

1101. Killing me won't bring back the thousands of warriors

1102. I've massacred with my bare hands.

1103. No, but ending you will light a new dawn for my people.

1104. And I shall lead the galaxy toward a bright future,

1105. built on a law and order of the Templars.

1106. Go, Pandora! I believe in you. I've always believed in you.

1107. Just couldn't stay away from the TV, could you, Greg?

1108. Susan, I would still forgive you for this

1109. if you stopped right now.

1110. I'll go to therapy now if you want,

1111. if you still want to do that. if that's what you still want.

1112. Come on, yes!

1113. Die!

1114. Please. Don't.

1115. I've been doing a lot of thinking, Greg.

1116. I think you're the cause of all the headaches in my life.

1117. And I think it's payback time!

1118. Susan, you're choking me.

1119. Give me the gem. Don't make me use this, bro.

1120. It's just like Dad said.

1121. People are the real monsters.

1122. And you're one of them.

1123. Is it not part of the Templar code

1124. to allow a defeated foe one last chance for battle, if requested?

1125. The Templar code says lots of things.

1126. You are weak, and we have the gem.

1127. There is no way you could defeat me in battle.

1128. I do not request hand-to-hand combat.

1129. If you are truly the warrior you claim to be,

1130. you will honor this request.

1131. Name your contest.

1132. I will defeat you no matter the circumstance.

1133. Mimi!

1134. Huh?

1135. You will decide the contest.

1136. Okay, you three will be Team Suck.

1137. You two plus me will be Team Hero.

1138. If Team Hero wins, we get the gem.

1139. And if Team Suck wins, you can have PG.

1140. Got it?

1141. Could you explain the switcheroo part again?

1142. Nope. Should have paid attention.

1143. Okay, chumps, let's do this.

1144. Ready...

1145. Set...

1146. Still love you, Susan.

1147. - Crazy Ball! - Crazy Ball!

1148. Ow!

1149. I don't understand sports.

1150. No.

1151. Quick!

1152. Do Jumping Jacks!

1153. Crazy Ball. Crazy Ball.

1154. What are Jumping Jacks again?

1155. Oh, for fuck's sake.

1156. Where are your gods tonight now, Pandora?

1157. Aah!

1158. Yeah!

1159. I win butt bonus.

1160. 66 points.

1161. One more point and Team Suck wins.

1162. Dream on, back stabber.

1163. This is for the time you made me eat my own sand castle.

1164. I was helping you!

1165. Now that beautiful sand castle will be with you forever!

1166. I was so sick I had to miss a week of school.

1167. You're welcome!

1168. The switcheroo.

1169. If they get the switcheroo, they'll win!

1170. Oh, this game is complete nonsense.

1171. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

1172. Dumb dumb chuck, here we go!

1173. Yes!

1174. I win again.

1175. We win!

1176. Aaah!

1177. How does failure taste, Pandora?

1178. Now give me the gem.

1179. I will humor this no longer.

1180. No way!

1181. What are you doing?

1182. The beast must die!

1183. Mimi, get out!

1184. No!

1185. I'll protect you, PG.

1186. Aaah!

1187. Luke, give me the gem!

1188. Please throw it to me, you dork!

1189. I don't know.

1190. You're always so mean to me, and I just wish that you would

1191. say you were sorry for once.

1192. And I'm always there for you when you need me,

1193. but I thought we were a team.

1194. And you're always beating me up and calling me names.

1195. What is this?

1196. Is this love?

1197. Yes, silly.

1198. Sing along.

1199. Frig yourself.

1200. You are not worthy of the gifts I have bestowed upon you.

1201. Susan?

1202. Greg.

1203. Hey.

1204. Yeah, you need to take me to the hospital, okay?

1205. I can't feel my hand. I think it might be broken.

1206. Luke, can you drive?

1207. - No. - The judgment is...

1208. death.

1209. You're toast now, you big metal moron.

1210. Even with your powers restored,

1211. how can you expect to defeat my holy blade?

1212. You are defenseless against me.

1213. Then I'll make my own.

1214. You'll not stand between me and my holy destiny.

1215. Frig off.

1216. I'm not going to say it.

1217. But I have something to tell you.

1218. Not my hunky boys!

1219. Aaaah!

1220. You have no idea what you've done.

1221. The universe as you know it is finished.

1222. Thank you.

1223. I'm proud of you guys.

1224. Finish me, nameless one.

1225. Get this over with so that I can be at peace.

1226. There will never be peace for you.

1227. I've been to the after world,

1228. and it's a place where fools like you suffer the worst.

1229. And my name is...

1230. Psycho Goreman.

1231. That's a beautiful name.

1232. You fought with honor.

1233. It's only fitting I give you a warriors death.

1234. No, not that!

1235. No!

1236. - Let's go. - Oh, no.

1237. What is he doing?

1238. Oh, you don't want to see this.

1239. You know, I remember when this used to be a shoe factory.

1240. Delicious.

1241. Well, what now?

1242. Now I will do what I was meant to do...

1243. destroy everything.

1244. The age of chaos begins anew.

1245. Yes, and?

1246. And I will spare your lives.

1247. Take it.

1248. Really?

1249. I don't need it anymore, little one.

1250. For the first time in centuries I feel whole.

1251. Thanks to your family, I now know that true power

1252. comes from within.

1253. The power of love.

1254. What?

1255. Goodbye, Mimi.

1256. Goodbye, Greg and Susan and...

1257. boy.

1258. It's time for me to take this new found power

1259. and use it to destroy the galaxy.

1260. PG, wait!

1261. Well, we learned a lot today.

1262. About what?

1263. Okay, okay, let's go to the hospital.

1264. Okay, Greg, come on. Come. This way.

1265. Whoa, okay.

1266. Chaos has erupted in downtown Spangler Springs

1267. as police are powerless to stop the rampage

1268. of what can only be described as a giant naked purple man.

1269. Alistair, come on it's time for dinner.

1270. He doesn't know how to find us, does he?

1271. Right. Well, luckily, Cortex has a plan B.

1272. There's always a way out.

1273. So who wants to kill themselves first?