Private Parts (1997)

1. He was offensive.

2. He was obnoxious.

3. He was disgusting.

4. Do you want me to go on?

5. Yes.

6. Once he wanted me to approve a contest

7. where he would give a new toilet

8. to the listener with the largest bowel movement.

9. On the air.

10. I mean, you can imagine the logistics of that.

11. Howard stern: You know, when I look back on this moment in my life,

12. I really wanted it to work.

13. I wanted this to be the biggest moment

14. in the history of entertainment. I'm not kidding.

15. I wanted everyone to wake up the next morning

16. talking about me, Howard stern.

17. That's the kind of thinking, though,

18. that usually gets me into trouble.

19. John stamos: I'm here to introduce the next presenter.

20. Believe me, a lot of people refused to introduce this guy,

21. but, uh...

22. Is this safe?

23. When you drop, don't spin around

24. or the wires get screwed up.

25. radio waves high above America...

26. It's a bird...

27. I'm making such a mistake.

28. It's a plane...

29. No, it's fartman!

30. Behold, I am fartman.

31. Behold, the greatness that is me.

32. The mightiest of superheroes.

33. My ass has power!

34. Screw superman.

35. I am fartman. Fartman rules.

36. Fartman.

37. Fartman!

38. And now, in an extraordinary display of my powers,

39. I will show you something so marvelous.

40. Behold.

41. The lovely and talented fartman, ladies and gentlemen.

42. I got to tell you, with all this carrying on,

43. I mean, the way they were screaming,

44. at first I really thought I'd won them over.

45. I thought I was the Beatles on ed Sullivan or something.

46. Oh, shock...

47. But did my fellow artists appreciate

48. the comedically ironic aspect of my new superhero character?

49. No. They just thought I was an idiot.

50. You know, most of these people are Satan-worshipping junkies.

51. Hey, look, all I want is for my artistic courage

52. to be an inspiration to others.

53. Instead, I'm a joke.

54. Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.

55. Embarrassed.

56. See, that's when I came to a profound realization...

57. everything I do is misunderstood.

58. Haah!

59. Everything I do is misunderstood.

60. I mean, think about what a burden that is.

61. What a thing to go through life with.

62. All I'm trying to do is be funny,

63. and I end up feeling like an asshole.

64. What a fucking jerk.

65. Howard, it was a home run.

66. You think so?

67. Absolutely. And when you said,

68. "all of Hollywood can kiss my ass,"

69. you had every teenager in the country eating out of your hand.

70. My guess is we'll get coverage from 200, maybe 300...

71. Howard.

72. Howard... Here's your ticket.

73. Ok? Now call me as soon as you get to New York, will you?

74. Yo, fartman. Love you, man.

75. Thanks.

76. All right. So getting back to what I was talking about...

77. more than anything, I'd like the public to appreciate me.

78. No, forget that. I want them to love me...

79. not the myth, but the man.

80. The real Howard.

81. Let me demonstrate my point.

82. Thank you.

83. Now, take this woman, for example.

84. She hates me.

85. She doesn't even know me,

86. but it's clear that she's totally disgusted by me.

87. Down the aisle on your right.

88. Excuse me. Yes?

89. You don't possibly have another seat available for me?

90. I'm sorry. We're showing a full load.

91. Right here on your left.

92. Full load.

93. Yes. Sir, may I help you?

94. To your right.

95. Hello.

96. Hello.

97. Is this yours?

98. Yeah. If you want to read it, you can.

99. Thank you.

100. Pfft, I've seen this look before,

101. believe me.

102. It's the look of misunderstanding.

103. She thinks I'm a moron.

104. In fact, all my life, people have told me I was a moron.

105. You're a moron. Now shut up and sit still.

106. So this is my dad Ben stern.

107. He was an engineer at a radio station in Manhattan... whom.

108. Why do we live in Roosevelt when you work in New York?

109. Shut up.

110. We never played catch or went to ball games.

111. The only sport my father liked was yelling.

112. Nothing but crap.

113. Is this one crap? Don't be a moron.

114. huh!

115. my father commuted every day.

116. I guess it was about 40 Miles into Manhattan.

117. He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning, get home around midnight or something.

118. I mean, I never saw the guy.

119. Come on. Come on.

120. Once a year, my old man would break down

121. and take me to work with him.

122. A little quality time.

123. I liked that. A little bonding.

124. Dad and son together.

125. I looked forward to that.

126. Take my hand, Howard,

127. and remember, Howard,

128. I work here, so keep your mouth shut.

129. you spin and you spin and you spin.

130. Records... who gives a damn?

131. Daddy.

132. I told you, shut up.

133. That man's throwing records.

134. No, nobody gives a damn about it.

135. None of it. What the fuck is it?

136. Just fucking records! It's just this fucking place.

137. None of it means anything. It's empty...

138. sid, you're on in 15 seconds.

139. Get a grip on yourself!

140. Ah, what the hell do you know, you bastard?

141. You mieskait!

142. You're gonna play the music for the people? It doesn't...

143. symphony sid!

144. By the powers vested in me

145. by the federal communications commission,

146. I command you

147. to get on the microphone in a serious manner

148. and continue this broadcast.

149. Deep, calm voice: This is "Sunday blues and jazz,"

150. and I'm your host symphony sid.

151. And now... Something for a blue Sunday.

152. From that moment on, I wanted to be on the radio.

153. Show business was definitely for me.

154. For my 12th birthday, my mother bought me some puppets,

155. and pretty soon, I was spreading joy throughout the community.

156. Howard, as the Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.

157. More. More. Ohh!

158. Howard, as the man: You like that, huh?

159. Oh, yes, I love it, baby. Give it to me.

160. Oh, baby, yes! Right there! Ohh!

161. Oh, more! Harder!

162. You want it harder?

163. Oh, yes. Harder. Please give it to me!

164. Please! More!

165. Ohh! Aah! Aah!

166. But why can't I play with my puppets?

167. Shut up! You know why.

168. You know, life is very strange.

169. just about the time my puppet career ended,

170. my whole neighborhood underwent a demographic shift.

171. My parents said we're moving because of those niggers.

172. They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's going to be nothing but niggers.

173. Really? My parents said we're moving

174. because of all the shvartzes.

175. Shvartzes are niggers, idiot.

176. They're the same thing.

177. I don't want to hear any more of this, you hear me?

178. I'm half negro, and Howard's half negro.

179. And anything bad you say about negroes,

180. you're saying about us, you understand?

181. mom, we're half negro?

182. I can't believe the stories he makes up.

183. I mean, I never made him wear my underwear to school,

184. and... and as far as my taking his rectal temperature

185. every day till he was 14...

186. he shouldn't make such a big deal.

187. He still grew up to be a very well-adjusted individual.

188. Absolutely.

189. Roosevelt high school... beautiful.

190. A fully integrated educational institution,

191. which of course meant 6,000 black guys and me.

192. And then I hit puberty.

193. That made things worse

194. because my penis never got any bigger.

195. I mean, I was hung like a 3-year-old.

196. Hey, seriously, these guys had rhinoceros penises... huge.

197. You know, I've heard black men complain

198. that they're unfairly stereotyped.

199. Man, I'd love to have a stereotype like that.

200. Now, because I had such a minuscule schlonger,

201. I turned to drugs.

202. Unfortunately, the drugs really made me paranoid.

203. Howard's mother: Howard, I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?

204. There's no smoke in here.

205. Howard, your father wants to see you downstairs.

206. Howard.

207. Howard, you're graduating from high school this year.

208. You should be making some kind of plan for your future.

209. You need a plan.

210. I want to be on the radio.

211. He wants to be on radio.

212. But to be on the radio, you have to have a voice.

213. You have to have some verbal ability.

214. You hardly ever say a word.

215. This all from a guy who's only told me to shut up about 50,000 times.

216. I talk.

217. You really want to be on the radio?

218. Ok. If you want a shot at radio,

219. the counseling center says there's a communications program

220. at Boston university.

221. Ok, I know what you're saying.

222. You're saying I look a little old to be in college.

223. Well, for this movie, you gotta suspend disbelief.

224. Hey, Lisa.

225. Lisa. Hi, how you doing?

226. Hi.

227. I was wondering if you'd like to go out Friday night.

228. With you?

229. No, thanks.

230. Hi. I was just wondering if you...

231. uh, no.

232. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

233. Excuse me.

234. Would you like to go out Friday night?

235. Friday?

236. No. I have a lot of reading to catch up on,

237. but thank you.

238. So I masterbated a lot... 2-time-a-day habit.

239. I'm not proud of it, but I did it.

240. Senior year... big year for me.

241. I finally got up the courage

242. to go down to the college radio station

243. and get myself on the air.

244. And my name is Howard stern

245. on "the Howard stern experience,"

246. and if you love music, you'll love deep purple on tbu.

247. Ohh!

248. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

249. Ooh!

250. Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God!

251. How do I forget it?

252. It's the single worst moment in radio history.

253. It's not radio.

254. It's college radio.

255. There's nobody listening.

256. Nobody. Maybe, like, 3 guys in a dorm somewhere.

257. Oh, shit.

258. Oh, fuck.

259. I know someone on this block. Let me think.

260. Come on. We're getting wet.

261. Down here. Down here. Down here.

262. Hi, elyse.

263. Hey.

264. So, we were on our way to a rally in support of feminism,

265. and we got caught in the rain.

266. I'm wondering if we can come in and just hang out for awhile.

267. Sure, come on in.

268. Can I use your hair dryer?

269. Yeah, there's one at the end of the hall. Hey, rach.

270. Hi, Ellen. This is Howard.

271. Oh, hi. My hair's wet.

272. Put that there.

273. I'm just going to go dry my hair.

274. Hey, I heard you on the radio today.

275. You heard that?

276. Yeah. What happened?

277. I didn't think anybody even listened to that.

278. Alison, this is Howard. Howard, this is Alison.

279. Alison's one of my roommates.

280. Hey.

281. Howard.

282. Howard.

283. Hair dryer's in the bathroom.

284. Hi. Hi.

285. Hi. I'm Howard.

286. Look at you, man.

287. You can get her. You can get her.

288. She looks hot.

289. How are you?

290. I'm making a film for my film class,

291. and, I mean, it's a legitimate film.

292. You won't... you're not gonna be naked or anything.

293. You'll have your clothes on, you know.

294. What's it about?

295. Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

296. In my, um, psychology class, we're studying b.F. Skinner,

297. and I started to realize that what Skinner says is true...

298. we're all rats trapped in a box,

299. all searching for a piece of cheese.

300. Mm-hmm.

301. And I'm going to shoot it on Saturday.

302. I mean, I can't do it Saturday.

303. I work with an outpatient program for schizophrenics.

304. One of them actually killed himself,

305. so I'm taking the whole group to...

306. to the funeral on Saturday, but...

307. Sorry.

308. You are really perfect.

309. I... all right. What if I reschedule?

310. Beautiful. Beautiful. I don't believe it.

311. Look, I refused to leave the room

312. until she agreed to be in my film.

313. I feel stupid.

314. Seriously, she was the most enchanting woman I'd ever met.

315. I'm telling you, I am looking for the face of an angel.

316. You have the face of an angel.

317. Howard's voice: Save me.

318. Save me.

319. He comes to me.

320. He comes to me.

321. Ahh...

322. Save me.

323. We give the award for best student film

324. to... Mr. Howard stern.

325. I'll tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter

326. than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.

327. This I know.

328. And at this point, I knew I was gonna score.

329. I mean, it was fait accompli.

330. I was in. This was it.

331. I'm a stud. She was liquefied.

332. We did not have sex on our first date,

333. although he was very sexual.

334. Our sex life has always been good.

335. I mean, Howard complains that his penis is too small,

336. but his penis size is fine.

337. Howard exaggerates.

338. Ok. Now hold this and say...

339. hi. Hi, I'm Camille,

340. and, uh, I'm in Westchester, New York, and...

341. this is Howard's first job interview.

342. And this is Howard's first job interview.

343. Well, he's going to his first job interview in New York.

344. All right...

345. One more thing. Yes?

346. Can you take your top off?

347. No. No, I'm serious.

348. I'm serious. That's what they want you to do.

349. No, they do not. Yeah, they do.

350. No way. No, they do.

351. Howard did not tell me...

352. I'm moti, station manager.

353. Howard stern. You want to be a disc jockey?

354. Very much so. I've wanted to be a disc jockey

355. since I was 7 years old.

356. What are you, an idiot?

357. No, sir, I'm not an idiot.

358. I... in fact, I have a communications degree from Boston university,

359. and I would work very hard for this company

360. if given the opportunity to...

361. you wanted to see me?

362. You came late yesterday.

363. You came late today. I don't need you. You're fired.

364. Fuck you.

365. Good. Fuck you.

366. You punk! Fuck you 1,000%!

367. Fuck you till your asshole

368. is perfect donkey asshole!

369. Ok, you start tomorrow.

370. 10 A.M. to 2 p.M, eh?

371. Yes.

372. Pay $96 a week and don't bring me your problems.

373. Ok.

374. I'm not psychiatrist.

375. Thank you very much.

376. I promise you I will not disappoint you.

377. Thank you.

378. And I start tomorrow?

379. Wimpy voice: Westchester 107, wrnw 107.

380. Hi, this is Howard stern, and it's 75 degrees presently,

381. winds out of the northwest.

382. Chance of precipitation, 85% for tonight.

383. Looks like rain.

384. Tomorrow, partly sunny at wrnw, Westchester 107.

385. I was sort of living with Alison

386. while she worked on her master's of social work, which was really great.

387. I was also still living with my parents...

388. Howard's mother: Howard?

389. Which wasn't so great.

390. Yeah. Yeah, ma?

391. I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?

392. No, ma. There's no smoke in here.

393. Wimpy voice: 107 fm, wrnw.

394. I'm Howard stern with you each and every day,

395. and I've got a great two for Tuesday.

396. 107 fm... the ramones... gabba gabba wee,

397. gabba gabba hey, gabba gabba gabba gabba...

398. Howard, you stink.

399. I don't mix words. You will never be a great disc jockey.

400. You have lousy voice, lousy personality, and this will not change.

401. Ok? So on the air is not for you,

402. but you come on time, and you are good worker, huh?

403. So...

404. How about I make you...

405. Program director?

406. Program director?

407. Program... Director.

408. You. You.

409. You run station.

410. You... sit.

411. You pick music.

412. No more $96 a week.

413. Eh. I pay you...

414. You, eh?

415. $250 a week.

416. You be management... Like me.

417. To be quite honest, I didn't really want to be a programmer,

418. but at $250 a week, I could marry Alison,

419. and we'd get a real place together.

420. Oh, look at her. I mean, this was a miracle.

421. Here's this beautiful girl,

422. I mean, a gorgeous woman,

423. willing to spend the rest of her life with me.

424. I just couldn't have been happier.

425. I was the happiest program director in the world.

426. Yeah, me. Program director.

427. Overnight, I become the big boss.

428. Howard stern, executive manager.

429. I had no idea what I was doing,

430. no clue what to do with this job whatsoever,

431. but I did it, and everyone bought into it.

432. They thought I knew what I was doing. This was great.

433. Howard.

434. Oh, hey, moti.

435. Advertising is up. Profit is up.

436. Oh, great.

437. As a disc jockey, you're... you're shit... ha ha ha ha...

438. but you are a great programmer. Here, payday.

439. Thanks, moti.

440. Listen, I want you to fire Dickie Davis.

441. But why?

442. None of your business.

443. The guy's got 3 kids.

444. You want to be management, you fire him, huh?

445. It's good to fire someone. It gives a good message to the others.

446. Just fire him, huh?

447. I don't want to fire him. You fire him.

448. Howard...

449. Disc jockeys are dogs.

450. Your job is to make them fetch, eh?

451. Now, if you want to truly be management,

452. you be a man and fire him.

453. Do it. Be a man.

454. Tell Dickie Davis Howard wants to see him now.

455. How? Howard?

456. Don't look.

457. You ok?

458. Let me ask you something. Would you still love me...

459. If I gave up my programming job

460. and I stayed on the air and I made a lot less money?

461. Yes. I mean, you know, I'd have to leave you,

462. but I'd still love you.

463. Be serious.

464. If I make less money, we wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment.

465. Well, we can't really afford the apartment now,

466. so it doesn't quite matter, really.

467. I guess.

468. Do what you need to do.

469. Come on back here, hold this sign...

470. Right in front of you. Come on back.

471. I want you to say "Howard goes to Hartford

472. and becomes the wacky morning man at wccc."

473. Howard goes to Hartford at ccc.

474. "Howard goes to Hartford and becomes the wacky morning man at wccc."

475. Howard goes to Hartford at w...

476. all right, all right, that's not going to work.

477. Howard comes to Hartford to become the wacky morning man

478. at wccc.

479. Let's see some muscles.

480. How about some back muscles?

481. Was my voice too deep doing that?

482. No. It's very feminine.

483. Wccc, fm 107 and am 1290.

484. My name is Fred Norris, and, uh...

485. Stick around for the new guy Howard stern

486. and the "Howard stern program."

487. Hi.

488. Oh. Oh, my God.

489. Oh, it's so...

490. hi. Howard stern.

491. How you doing? You're Fred.

492. I can't believe how late I am.

493. Who would've thought?

494. I'm on the Berlin turnpike, and I take a left-hand turn,

495. and I've rehearsed this 500 times, getting here, and I somehow got lost.

496. Ohh.

497. I'm sweating.

498. I'm so hot.

499. I'm so tahitzed.

500. I'm hot.

501. I was planning on being on time.

502. Ohh, man.

503. Whoo-oo-oo...

504. 107 fm, am 1290, wccc. Good morning.

505. My name is Howard stern. I'm the new morning man on ccc.

506. Sitting with me, uh, Mr. Ringo...

507. Mr. Ringo starr, and he's here in the studio.

508. Hi, Ringo.

509. How you doin', me love?

510. I wish you'd play us a little "wipeout" this morning,

511. wake everybody up.

512. Oh, yeah, that was great, Ringo.

513. Ccc, am 1290, fm 1o7.

514. This is cheap trick.

515. Ohh. Thank you.

516. Whoa.

517. Hartford ended up being ok, you know.

518. I mean, Fred seemed to really like me.

519. I mean, I think he really liked me.

520. The guy's like wallpaper. Who can get a read on him?

521. And Alison, well, she got a job right away.

522. Now, if you wanted to buy liver for dinner,

523. what would you do?

524. Go to the... Supermarket?

525. That's right. And then what?

526. This afternoon... gray skies,

527. occasional showers, and precipitation.

528. Highs near 75.

529. It's going to be raining like cats...

530. And chickens, I don't think so.

531. And dogs.

532. Wccc also wants to remind you

533. that our new sponsor Stanley sport,

534. um, is a great place to go.

535. You know, I got to tell you something. When I was a child,

536. I used to go to Stanley sport all the time.

537. I loved Stanley sport.

538. My parents would take me through there, and we just had a great time,

539. and we could walk out with tons of stuff

540. even though my parents didn't make a lot of money.

541. Oh.

542. And, uh, "there's only one Stanley sports,

543. "and the grand opening is this weekend.

544. Mark it on your calendar."

545. The grand opening is this...

546. I just realized, uh... That makes no sense what I just said.

547. I just told you I went there as a kid, and now the grand opening...

548. well, I just... I think I was just caught in a lie.

549. Oh, boy. You know what the truth is?

550. I'm a disc jockey who makes $250 a week,

551. and I just want to do the right thing here on the air.

552. I don't want to get fired, so, uh, I guess I lied to you,

553. but, uh, I'll never let that happen again. You know what I mean?

554. Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.

555. Seriously, I heard the show today.

556. I think you're really getting good.

557. What part did you like in particular?

558. Was it the Chinese guy calling in for the doobie brothers tickets?

559. You know when you did that ad, when you were just being yourself?

560. That's what you liked?

561. Yeah.

562. Really?

563. It was funny.

564. Little by little,

565. our ratings actually improved,

566. and before long, I got to interview

567. my first real semifamous celebrity,

568. "b" movie star Brittany Fairchild.

569. While I'm interviewing her,

570. she actually invites me

571. to go to a premiere for her movie.

572. I remember how embarrassing it was

573. because nobody knew who I was.

574. I'm escorting this woman around,

575. and none of these people know who I am.

576. They just think she has some ugly boyfriend, you know?

577. But who cared? I mean, it was exciting.

578. Brittany in movie: Hello?

579. I'm here for the shoot.

580. Anybody there?

581. Hello?

582. Ohh.

583. My back hurts.

584. Would you mind taking me back to my hotel room?

585. I know this director,

586. and he told me that when he was little,

587. his mother killed his sister,

588. but was never charged.

589. Wow.

590. Come in.

591. Come in.

592. It's nice. Sit down.

593. I'll be right back.

594. Ok.

595. Hey, man, free drinks.

596. Ahem.

597. What the hell is she doing?

598. I think she's running a bath.

599. Oh, my God, man, she's taking her clothes off.

600. I guess she forgot to close the door.

601. Well, she's a Hollywood actress.

602. They have a lot on their mind.

603. Oh, my God.

604. Oh, is she cute.

605. Howard? Yes?

606. Could you come here for a second?

607. Oh. Hi.

608. My shoulders tense up when I travel.

609. Would you mind rubbing them for a minute?

610. Works best when I'm in a hot bath.

611. It helps relax the muscles.

612. I don't know if that's ok or not.

613. Please. It really hurts.

614. Look, I don't know that I can do this.

615. I'll tell you what, I'll just kneel over here,

616. and I'll rub your shoulders from back here.

617. No. Sit behind me in the tub.

618. Oh, I can't do that.

619. Why not?

620. Well, for one thing, my clothes are gonna get all wet.

621. Well, then I guess you better take them off.

622. I got to tell you something. You are gorgeous,

623. and... and you're a great actress and everything,

624. but I got a wife at home. I can't cheat on my wife.

625. Then leave your underwear on.

626. What?

627. If you leave your underwear on, then you can't cheat.

628. It's just like going swimming.

629. I don't know what it was,

630. but she started making a lot of sense.

631. I really need your help.

632. My back really hurts.

633. She's right.

634. Could you start with my shoulders?

635. Ahh...

636. Yeah.

637. Mmm.

638. Can you come around my sides?

639. I think I pulled a muscle in my rib cage.

640. Mmm.

641. Howard...

642. I know how to give a man pleasure.

643. Mmm.

644. Feel...

645. Pleasure.

646. Oh. Oh, wow.

647. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

648. Stop that. Stop.

649. Oh, whoa.

650. Oh, man.

651. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my.

652. Thanks. Thanks... thanks for everything.

653. Listen, the premiere and everything.

654. Oh, my God.

655. I just... I just got to go.

656. You know, it was a great interview on the radio.

657. Thanks... thanks... thank you.

658. I really got to go.

659. Good-bye!

660. Hi.

661. Hey. How was it?

662. So bad. So horrible.

663. I just had the worst night of my life.

664. I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how miserable I am.

665. It is so late. I got to get to bed.

666. I mean, no one realizes I got to be up

667. at 4:00 in the morning in that radio station.

668. I can't believe how late it is.

669. Go up and get in... ok.

670. I... I just...

671. I just need to rest. I need to get some sleep.

672. Horrible.

673. God, let me get away with this,

674. and I swear I'll never stray from Alison again. Never.

675. Howard on radio: I just want to thank someone this morning.

676. I want to thank Brittany Fairchild

677. for having myself and Fred

678. out to, uh, her new movie. It was really good.

679. Fred, what'd you think of the movie?

680. I was very moved.

681. I think a lot of us were moved last night.

682. Ccc, am 1290, fm 107...

683. it's the fifth-largest market in the United States,

684. and they want me to start tomorrow,

685. which is a good sign, I think.

686. That means they're, you know,

687. they're really desperate for me, which I like,

688. and they say they're gonna move the building to the best part of the city,

689. which I think is good, too... you know, pump money into the facility...

690. and the station manager says we are gonna be

691. the most aggressive radio station in Detroit.

692. We are gonna dominate the marketplace, which I lo...

693. are these yours?

694. They're wet.

695. Alison's not coming to Detroit.

696. I should have just come home

697. and told my wife everything, admitted the truth,

698. 'cause now my wife doesn't even trust me anymore,

699. and I don't blame her because I don't trust me, either.

700. I'm a stupid idiot. I'm so stupid!

701. What am I gonna do?

702. I don't know.

703. I can always count on you for help, man.

704. Thanks. I appreciate it.

705. Listen, man, as soon as I get to Detroit and things start happenin',

706. I'm gonna get these guys to hire you, all right?

707. Ok.

708. Fred, I'm serious. I'm not gonna forget ya.

709. Bye.

710. Howard. How you doing, man?

711. How you doing, Marvin?

712. Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

713. Hey, Patricia fonfara, meet Howard stern. Your newslady.

714. Hi. I'm really looking forward to working with you.

715. The Duke of rock's just finishing up,

716. and then we're gonna get right inside, so...

717. Hey, Marvin, what happened to the new building?

718. I told you, we're gonna build a new building.

719. First we got to build an audience. Heh.

720. Hey, the Duke of rock's gettin' ready to walk,

721. but I want you to stick around,

722. because we got a brand-new morning man...

723. looks like big bird to me...

724. coming next

725. on w4 106 fm.

726. What's happening, man?

727. Come on in, big bird.

728. How you doing, man? Good to see ya.

729. How's things? What's that? You're gonna do what?

730. Is that ri... well, now, how about that, kiddies?

731. He's gonna have Kermit the frog come in here and sing the alphabet song,

732. isn't that somethin'?

733. Coming up next on "the big bird show."

734. I got to go. See you at midnight tonight.

735. This is the Duke of rock saying,

736. if you can't be good, be bad, baby.

737. Bye.

738. Hi. How you doing?

739. Howard stern. Nice to see you.

740. Listened to your show last night. It was great.

741. Lookin' forward to working with you.

742. Don't hurt yourself, man.

743. Ok, thanks. Thank you.

744. Thank you.

745. What am I thanking him for?

746. So let's review.

747. My life sucked,

748. Alison dumped me,

749. I didn't know if she'd ever come back to me,

750. and now this thick wad is calling me big bird.

751. 106 fm, wwww.

752. I don't know. Something in me just snapped.

753. My name is Howard stern,

754. and welcome to the new morning show,

755. and we have a new feature for you.

756. This is, uh, something special.

757. We have a traffic copter now here at wwww.

758. Let's go up to mama look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter.

759. Mama, you there?

760. Hello? Mama? Uh.

761. Hello?

762. Yes, hello. This is mama look-a boo boo day,

763. the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area,

764. I'm proud to say.

765. Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, mama.

766. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic?

767. First, a political statement, if I may.

768. Kill, kill, kill...

769. The white man,

770. by Eugene mama look-a boo boo day.

771. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen.

772. Ok, here we go.

773. Kill, kill, kill the white man.

774. Kill him until he is dead.

775. Kill the white man.

776. Thank you.

777. Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Alison stern, please?

778. This is her husband Howard.

779. It's Howard.

780. Hello?

781. You talk too much.

782. And very important,

783. I want the time and the temperature

784. 4 times every 15 minutes, not 3. 4.

785. My grandmother died last night.

786. I spent all night with her in the hospital.

787. She... she had a car accident.

788. By the way, uh...

789. It's 6:45. Temperature is, uh, 58 degrees.

790. anyway, her head went through the windshield.

791. You know, it's funny, but her last words...

792. I want you back so bad...

793. I had, like, no listeners,

794. and the couple of listeners I did have

795. would call in and tell me how bad I sucked

796. on a regular basis.

797. Although, I did manage to convince one of them to be my weather lady.

798. Irene... The weather girl.

799. Irene, are you there?

800. It's cold, real cold,

801. but your ass is gonna be plenty hot

802. when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping.

803. Tongue.

804. What do you think about that?

805. Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?

806. Yeah.

807. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.

808. Shut up.

809. We hope to hear from you tomorrow...

810. give us some more weather.

811. Bite me, you loser.

812. You shaved your mustache.

813. Jeez. Alison.

814. It's great to see you.

815. Al, I miss you so much.

816. I'm feelin' so miserable since you left.

817. I am just so uncomfortable in this Detroit. I'm...

818. Howard...

819. I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl.

820. Ok? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person

821. with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept.

822. I deal with abnormality every single day.

823. I don't need everything in my life to be normal,

824. and on the air, you do what you do. That's your job,

825. but off the air, for me to be in this marriage...

826. I need to know I'm the only one,

827. and I'm not saying that to pressure you.

828. I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself.

829. So... If you need more time or whatever...

830. I don't need any more time.

831. I am just so madly in love with you.

832. I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life.

833. I never wanted anyone else in my life.

834. All I want is you.

835. I just want you to forgive me.

836. Thanks for coming back.

837. Wow.

838. Come on, you guys. Right up here looks perfect.

839. Isn't Alison amazing?

840. She's in town, like, two minutes,

841. and already she's got a job working with a bunch of wackos.

842. Excuse me. Mentally challenged.

843. Nice day, huh?

844. What can I do to help here?

845. Well, I'm gonna set up lunch...

846. Ok.

847. And you can play frisbee with the guys.

848. Start again. Here we go.

849. Oh. I'm so sorry.

850. Listen, what you got to do is,

851. you got to put this hand up, ok?

852. And you got to try and catch it, ok?

853. All right, here we go.

854. Ready? Here we go.

855. I'm so sorry.

856. You know what we're gonna do?

857. Just tell me that you're ready. Are you ready?

858. Y-yes.

859. Howard! Howard!

860. Marvin.

861. I was hoping I'd find you here.

862. I have some very exciting news!

863. Oh. Are you all right?

864. Yeah. Yeah.

865. That was good.

866. You just got to wait till somebody looks, ok?

867. Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that Detroit has too many rock stations,

868. so starting tomorrow we're starting a new format,

869. and it'll give us a real great edge.

870. howdy, cowpokes.

871. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song,

872. but I got to tell you something.

873. I know a lot of you out there really love this music,

874. but I just don't get it.

875. Explain it to me,

876. and maybe it's 'cause I went to college,

877. and I never drove a truck

878. and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...

879. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...

880. I don't think I'm the man for this job.

881. So this is your old pal hopalong Howie saying I quit.

882. I... I think I quit.

883. what?

884. Nothing.

885. What is it?

886. I feel like such a loser.

887. It's not your fault. It was a lame station.

888. Yeah, it was my fault.

889. You can't blame a radio station. It's my screwup.

890. In what way?

891. In the way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be.

892. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys

893. that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time.

894. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad.

895. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing.

896. I should be talking about my personal life.

897. I've got to get intimate,

898. and every time I feel like I shouldn't say something,

899. maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know?

900. I just got to let things fly.

901. I got to go all the way.

902. You didn't go all the way before?

903. No. I mean...

904. No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.

905. Then I guess you should go all the way.

906. Hold the sign nice and low.

907. The big smiles look very sexy.

908. This is about Howard coming to Washington.

909. What's going on here?

910. Um, we're shooting a movie.

911. Hey, you got a permit?

912. Uh, no, we don't have a permit,

913. but this is, like, one line,

914. and we'll be done with them in a second and we'll be out of your way.

915. You can't be there, then. You're blocking the median.

916. Come on, you're gonna have to move.

917. Um, this if for the Howard stern movie.

918. Wait a minute. You said Howard stern?

919. Yeah. This is his movie.

920. Is Howard here?

921. No, he's not here today, not in this scene,

922. but this is his movie.

923. Come on. You got to move.

924. Tsk. Give us a break. It'll take a second.

925. Just look right at the camera,

926. and say, "Howard comes to Washington."

927. Howard comes to Washington.

928. Hey, let's go! Come on!

929. Howard's, like, a big fan of the cops.

930. He loves you guys.

931. We could have been done by now.

932. Guess what. You are done.

933. I was hired by an fm rock station, DC 101,

934. and that's when I met the other woman in my life.

935. Howard?

936. Hi. I'm Robin quivers, your newswoman.

937. Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward to working with you.

938. It's great to meet you.

939. Same here.

940. Yeah, this is gonna be great.

941. Ok, I'm just gonna go over here and work on my script.

942. We're almost set.

943. Ooh.

944. Ahem.

945. DC 101. Good morning. This is Howard stern.

946. Welcome to the show.

947. I have a confession to make.

948. I did not get, uh, laid last night.

949. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time.

950. Now, give me a call here at DC 101

951. if you have the same kind of problem.

952. Having trouble with your woman?

953. Give me a call. I'll help you out.

954. Let me introduce, over here to my right,

955. my beautiful new newswoman Robin quivers, who looks so beautiful,

956. I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems,

957. but I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd.

958. I get hornier and hornier.

959. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep.

960. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny.

961. Robin, as a woman, what is it?

962. Do women get horny?

963. Sometimes.

964. Why is he talking to his newsperson?

965. I'll have him stop.

966. What about you specifically, though?

967. When is the last time that you were with a man...

968. Sexually?

969. About a year.

970. You're serious?

971. A year? Yeah.

972. A year, ladies and gentlemen.

973. Someone more pathetic than me.

974. This is good. This is good. We're getting somewhere.

975. This is a good discussion.

976. Uh, you know, I bought a book,

977. "how to score with babes,"

978. and listen to what it says.

979. I think it's rather revealing.

980. "When attempting to score with a babe,

981. "make sure to wear tight pants.

982. "If necessary, stuff a semirigid, large object

983. "into your pants

984. to create the appearance of having a large penis."

985. Women like large penis.

986. Did he say "penis"?

987. I know about this stuff.

988. I have no bulge in my crotch. I have a small penis,

989. and I've never told anyone this before...

990. and I don't think you should start now.

991. Well, I've done it. Now the cat's out of the bag,

992. but this guy wrote a good book.

993. The author has slept with over 16,000 women,

994. and, uh, take it from him.

995. He says wear tight pants.

996. If he slept with 16,000 women,

997. he wouldn't have time to put on pants.

998. That is true, too. I didn't consider that.

999. Why don't you give me a call at DC 101

1000. if you want to talk about this.

1001. We'll be back right after these words.

1002. You're a genius.

1003. That was great.

1004. That was interesting.

1005. Didn't that feel good? That was great.

1006. You say whatever you want.

1007. You have carte blanche.

1008. You and Robin must not talk to each other on the air.

1009. And don't sing along with the music.

1010. And you know what else you could do?

1011. I'd like you to memorize the names of the local high schools.

1012. And don't criticize Washington.

1013. It's not good for ratings.

1014. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to talk to Robin alone for a second.

1015. Wait. I wanted...

1016. you know what I want you to do for me,

1017. is to make up a grid of all your comedy bits

1018. and the corresponding days of the week,

1019. so that I'll know on which day you'll be doing which bit.

1020. I told you I work spontaneously. I think that I...

1021. Robin... Don't encourage him.

1022. He's better when he's toned down.

1023. We need you to be a friend here, Robin.

1024. I'll see what I can do.

1025. Great.

1026. Appreciate it, Robin.

1027. Ok. Thanks.

1028. I think we should separate them.

1029. Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2 last night,

1030. extending the os' winning streak to 7.

1031. And finally, today is Memorial Day.

1032. Sunny skies and warm temperatures for veterans marching in parades

1033. across the metropolitan area.

1034. Highs today in the 70s. It's 58 degrees...

1035. you know, Robin, let me interrupt for a second.

1036. I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day.

1037. I was in Vietnam. I'd like to talk to you about it.

1038. I had 11 kills in Vietnam,

1039. and I'm telling you, I really should've had more.

1040. Officially, I should've had more kills.

1041. Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

1042. I was in a gook village, and I come upon a schoolhouse.

1043. So I grab one of my grenades off my belt,

1044. and I throw it right into the schoolhouse,

1045. and I blow up the whole damn thing.

1046. So I'm out there counting all the bodies.

1047. You threw a grenade into a school?

1048. That's exactly what I'm telling you.

1049. I must've killed, like, 200 kids.

1050. My dickhead lieutenant comes up to me, and he says,

1051. "stern, those are little kids. That counts as one person."

1052. Howard, I was in the military.

1053. I was a captain in the air force. What were you?

1054. What was I?

1055. Yeah, what were you?

1056. What were you again? I was a captain.

1057. That's what I was. I was a captain.

1058. And what were you in?

1059. I was in Vietnam.

1060. Ohh! Army? Navy?

1061. In the army.

1062. Did you have a division?

1063. 103rd.

1064. 103rd what?

1065. I was in the 103rd...

1066. I don't know what I was in, Robin,

1067. but I'm saying I was in the 103rd.

1068. And the point of this whole thing

1069. is that I think a kill is a kill is a kill,

1070. and killing a kid should be just as good as killing an adult.

1071. Well, I suppose even if you're killing children, they should count them.

1072. I got some music for you now at DC 101.

1073. Ha ha!

1074. You're not even old enough to have been in Vietnam.

1075. Duh. Ha ha ha!

1076. I couldn't sit there and not say something.

1077. I knew they had told me not to talk.

1078. I knew that I was going to get into trouble if I did,

1079. but he was really onto something,

1080. and I knew that there was something going on there...

1081. And I just went for it.

1082. Well, this just came from the fcc.

1083. Did you say "testicles" on the air?

1084. Wait a second.

1085. Screw the fcc. We just lost muffler man.

1086. Hold on. We have a real problem here.

1087. I'm just trying to get ratings.

1088. I am just trying to run a radio station.

1089. I understand that, and I'm telling you

1090. that the commercial sponsors are there once you get the ratings.

1091. This is a very big problem.

1092. They're gonna be lining up 10 in a row.

1093. You listen to me, you stupid asshole.

1094. Radio is a business, and you just cost us $40,000.

1095. Wait a second. If I do a lame show, it's never gonna take off.

1096. I'm calm. I am perfectly calm.

1097. D.C. carpet canceled because of him.

1098. Well, I've reached my limit.

1099. I don't know about you, but my back is against the wall.

1100. Will everyone just sit down?

1101. I just want to say one thing.

1102. I really think this show's starting to take off.

1103. There's a buzz on the street about it.

1104. If we just give it a chance, if we just take some time with it,

1105. I think everything's gonna be ok.

1106. Don't push your luck, Howard.

1107. Robin leach: The countdown to our "live life like a millionaire sweepstakes"

1108. is getting closer.

1109. We're going to have winners take...

1110. Hey!

1111. Hi, honey.

1112. Robin leach says we should move to Antigua.

1113. Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up.

1114. Snap to. I'm ovulating.

1115. I'm in the middle of important show research.

1116. Howard, seriously, come on.

1117. You know what? You're getting baby fever here.

1118. And you know, maybe it's a little premature.

1119. I'm about 3 days away from being fired, the way I figure it,

1120. and do you want to know something?

1121. You got to think about the economics of this.

1122. You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio.

1123. At any minute, you're gonna be number one.

1124. Is that so? Yeah! Strip!

1125. Let me tell you something. Look at yourself.

1126. You're completely on fire about having a baby.

1127. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat.

1128. I mean, I have to be romanced.

1129. Oh, yeah. Please.

1130. Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that?

1131. You like this?

1132. Ok. That's it. That's it!

1133. I am making a baby!

1134. It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.

1135. Thank you.

1136. Hold on.

1137. Ok. Now I'm hot.

1138. Now I actually want to have sex.

1139. I didn't before, and now I do.

1140. Robin, watch this.

1141. Look at this.

1142. What am I doing?

1143. Uh, having a seizure?

1144. That's not a seizure. That's me dancing

1145. because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.

1146. Oh! Yeah, I really did.

1147. In fact, it was not for lust.

1148. It was 'cause I was making a kid.

1149. Oh. In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.

1150. They're very, you know, she's getting older.

1151. But my sperm is like supersperm,

1152. so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.

1153. Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.

1154. My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic.

1155. I'm in a good mood. Let's take some phone calls

1156. and see what's doing out there.

1157. Ok. Hi, you're on the air.

1158. Woman caller: Hi. Is this Howard stern?

1159. This is Howard.

1160. Oh, wow. Anyway, I was calling

1161. because I have a really big problem.

1162. What's your problem?

1163. Well, every morning I lie in bed,

1164. and the only thing I can do is think of you.

1165. Really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem.

1166. What do you look like?

1167. Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes,

1168. and my measurements are about 38-24-34.

1169. Some people tell me I look a lot like farrah fawcett.

1170. I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.

1171. You know, we have the most beautiful audience.

1172. We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way.

1173. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem?

1174. I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.

1175. How are we gonna do that?

1176. Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin.

1177. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on?

1178. You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?

1179. I have one of those big sound systems.

1180. Good. Ok.

1181. Could you turn the treble all the way down

1182. and put the bass all the way up?

1183. Ok. The treble's down, and the bass is up.

1184. Take your speaker... you got a big speaker?

1185. Yes, I do.

1186. Lay it flat on the floor.

1187. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.

1188. Howard! Do what?

1189. A woman cannot be aroused in that way.

1190. No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong.

1191. In fact, my father was a radio engineer,

1192. and he proved this theory years ago.

1193. You've got to believe.

1194. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.

1195. I can't believe you really want me to do this.

1196. Come on, do it.

1197. Right up against it so you can feel me.

1198. I'm on.

1199. Oh, I have to ask her a question.

1200. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?

1201. Don't answer that question. Bad question, Robin.

1202. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood.

1203. She might start second-guessing.

1204. Are you ready to have sex?

1205. Caller, giggling: Oh, my God.

1206. Ooh!

1207. Oohh!

1208. Ooh. It kinda tingles.

1209. See? It tingles. She likes it.

1210. Yeah, sure.

1211. Ohh! Oh...

1212. She's full of it.

1213. Aahh!

1214. Ohh! Oh! Oh!

1215. Listen to her, Robin. She's going wild.

1216. You got me moaning.

1217. Oh, my goodness.

1218. Howard!

1219. This is the best sex I ever had.

1220. Ooh! Standing ovation. Thank you.

1221. Oh, boy. Thank you.

1222. Take your bows.

1223. A woman on the air had an orgasm.

1224. Have you lost your mind?

1225. But you got to admit, it was a funny bit.

1226. The audience loved that stuff.

1227. We just lost stereo city.

1228. This is not muffler man. This is stereo fucking city.

1229. Dee Dee, you know there's gonna be other sponsors.

1230. No, there's not, Howard, 'cause your career is over. You're finished.

1231. Come on! How can you say that?

1232. Dee Dee, I don't believe it.

1233. He's up.

1234. He's up?

1235. In the new ratings book, he's up... Two points.

1236. I love you.

1237. Two full points, and pizza shack called.

1238. They want to buy time on the stern show.

1239. I go to pizza shack all the time. Great.

1240. This is a great time to talk

1241. about putting some money into the show.

1242. I know a guy out of Hartford.

1243. He does voices. He does comedy.

1244. Absolutely not. This could be a fluke.

1245. I guarantee you,

1246. we'll go up two full rating points if you hire this guy.

1247. This guy must be hot.

1248. This guy is total personality.

1249. He's electric.

1250. Hey, Rick.

1251. How's tricks, buddy?

1252. Fred, I've been coughing all day.

1253. I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung.

1254. Blecch!

1255. Waaa!

1256. Oh, no! It's Lucy!

1257. Thank you very much.

1258. Once the 3 of us were together, everything felt right.

1259. I mean, things really started to take off.

1260. It was then that I made a startling discovery.

1261. She's a very beautiful girl. You're telling me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?

1262. Lesbians equal ratings.

1263. Now let me say something.

1264. I am the hero of the lesbian community,

1265. am I not, Robin?

1266. I guess you are.

1267. I absolutely am.

1268. All right. Now, let's get into it.

1269. Julie, I want you to tell us about your first lesbianic experience.

1270. Ok.

1271. Tell me about the secret world of lesbian sex.

1272. Well, Howard, I was 18.

1273. Oh, you were so young.

1274. Right, and I was working at a summer camp.

1275. Yes?

1276. And I was lying in my bunk

1277. when the camp director's wife walked in.

1278. Ooh, now, that's hot.

1279. Uh, everyone was asleep,

1280. and I'm lying in my bunk,

1281. and she sees me looking at her.

1282. And then what happens?

1283. She, like, signals for me to go with her.

1284. What are you sleeping in?

1285. 'Cause this is what I picture.

1286. Little cotton panties with a tight little undershirt.

1287. No. I'm wearing, like, little baby-doll pajamas.

1288. Oh, you tease.

1289. So then she takes me into this tent.

1290. When you walk in, lesbians all over the place, right?

1291. I mean, a whole lesbian sex festival, right?

1292. Oh, you know it, Howard.

1293. Howard?

1294. Ohh!

1295. Howard?

1296. Alison on line 3. It is important.

1297. Do you believe this, in the middle of "lesbian dating game,"

1298. my wife calls in?

1299. Maybe she wants to play.

1300. Honey, you want to play? You want a date with Julie?

1301. Am I on the air?

1302. Yes, honey, of course you're on the air.

1303. I told them I wanted to talk to you off the air.

1304. But, honey, you're in the middle of interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.

1305. You've got to tell everyone. My audience wants to know why you're interrupting.

1306. Don't you want to know, Robin?

1307. I think we deserve to.

1308. Yes, honey... uh-oh, Al? I think she's gone.

1309. I'm pregnant.

1310. What?

1311. I'm pregnant.

1312. Congratulations, Howard.

1313. It's my supersperm. I knew my supersperm would do it, Robin.

1314. You are so blessed.

1315. Julie says we're blessed, honey,

1316. and Julie would know these things.

1317. Well, I appreciate her support. Can we talk privately now?

1318. Absolutely, sweetheart.

1319. Wait a minute. Does she know what she's gonna have?

1320. Is it gonna be a lesbian?

1321. Oh, please, Robin! You have gone too far.

1322. No offense, Julie. Please, I don't need this aggravation.

1323. We're gonna take a break. We'll get back to making out with the lesbians

1324. right after these words.

1325. Hi. Hey.

1326. I can't believe it.

1327. I can't believe you made me do that on the air.

1328. It's so exciting. Did you call your mother?

1329. I called, I called. I feel so different.

1330. I know.

1331. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1332. I'm flipping out, too.

1333. I'm somebody's father.

1334. Oh, my God!

1335. Love him or hate him,

1336. unconventional disc jockey Howard stern

1337. jumped to the top of the ratings today,

1338. making him number one in greater Washington.

1339. I took a dump of a radio station and returned it to glory.

1340. I look like Hitler.

1341. I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.

1342. I mean, we were gonna have our first child,

1343. and 6 weeks later, the new ratings came out.

1344. We destroyed every other station in the market.

1345. My life was perfect.

1346. I'm gonna grab this guy's hat,

1347. if they show it.

1348. Howard on TV: I'll tell you another thing...

1349. Look, watch this.

1350. You're gonna miss it.

1351. Come here.

1352. Howard on TV: I am officer Howie,

1353. and there's a new law in town. We're taking over.

1354. How!

1355. I love you.

1356. Al, are you ok?

1357. I think something's wrong.

1358. Even if I put you in the hospital

1359. and I pumped you full of every medication possible,

1360. you still would've lost the pregnancy.

1361. And your body rejected what was going on, and that's so healthy.

1362. It's such a good way to look at it,

1363. and in a couple of months, we're gonna try to have a baby again,

1364. and everything's gonna go great.

1365. You're gonna be totally confident that everything's going good

1366. because you know your body would reject it

1367. if it wasn't going right... You know?

1368. I have to tell my parents.

1369. Not really. We don't have to tell your parents.

1370. You know what you could do?

1371. I didn't want to tell you this,

1372. but I took a polaroid of the toilet.

1373. And we can just mail them a picture of that,

1374. and they can walk around Florida, you know,

1375. and say, "this is our grandchild,"

1376. and your mother will be so happy.

1377. She just wants pictures to show her friends.

1378. No. You know that.

1379. She just wants to be like all the other yentas who walk around.

1380. You know, we could name the baby and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy stern.

1381. She could walk around with your father and little clumpy pictures.

1382. your holiness.

1383. Howard as God: Hello, Howard.

1384. There you are.

1385. I see your wife had a miscarriage.

1386. Aw, don't bring that up, God.

1387. Please, that's way too personal.

1388. You tried to have a baby, and you failed.

1389. Oh, man!

1390. Now the baby is with me!

1391. This is crazy.

1392. Boy, what a loser you are.

1393. Wow! He's getting awfully personal this morning.

1394. Hey, God, me and my wife are trying to have another baby.

1395. A real man would have done it right the first time.

1396. Oh, for God's sake.

1397. It will be pleasant today.

1398. Rain tomorrow.

1399. That's my kid up there.

1400. This is God with the weather on DC 101.

1401. You're all wrong, God.

1402. You're completely out of line this morning.

1403. I don't think we should be talking about this.

1404. I went to the doctor with my wife, and it was an awful experience,

1405. because the doctor walks out, and there's your kid,

1406. your beautiful child,

1407. and he's no bigger than the size of an aspirin.

1408. Howie Jr., no bigger than the size of an aspirin.

1409. Was it a boy?

1410. It was a boy, yes. Little, tiny feet.

1411. And then you look at him, and he's in the formaldehyde jar,

1412. and I said to my wife, "honey, don't be upset

1413. "that Howard Jr.'s in a formaldehyde jar.

1414. "We're gonna take him out of this office, we'll bring him home,

1415. and next week we'll bring him to the zoo in a stroller."

1416. Oh, please!

1417. I don't want to talk about it, Robin.

1418. I really think you need counseling.

1419. I'm gonna play a record. DC 101.

1420. We got some great tunes for you this morning,

1421. and then Robin will analyze me when we get back from this song.

1422. Very sad music.

1423. Not that, Fred. Play something else, please,

1424. for God's sake.

1425. DC 101. Here's rock 'n' roll for you.

1426. Hi. Al, you home?

1427. Hi. How you feeling? You ok?

1428. How could you do that? Do you think that was funny?

1429. You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that?

1430. You're an asshole.

1431. What are you talking about?

1432. Alison, I love you. What are you talking about?

1433. Howard, not everything is for your audience.

1434. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.

1435. I'm on the air 5 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material.

1436. I hate going out.

1437. Too bad!

1438. I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio,

1439. I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.

1440. Howard... come on, last night we were laughing about this.

1441. I just assumed you thought it was funny.

1442. It was funny for us last night.

1443. Privately, for us.

1444. Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...

1445. Shut up. Shut up.

1446. The audience isn't gonna be there.

1447. Shut up! Shut up! I won't make any money.

1448. Shut up! You disgust me!

1449. I can't even look at you, idiot!

1450. It's hard, you know?

1451. When he shares our most personal details of our life together

1452. with, you know, millions of listeners, it's...

1453. I wish that there were more things that could be just ours...

1454. But I think it's right that I go crazy, you know?

1455. You know, I think... I don't know.

1456. It's not simple.

1457. Our entire Washington radio audience has disappeared.

1458. It seems the competition has a disc jockey

1459. that's caused a bit of a shift in the listening patterns.

1460. One disc jockey has wiped out our entire audience?

1461. Can we get him?

1462. I've got such good news. It's gonna blow your mind.

1463. All right. You go first.

1464. Ok. All right, that's rude. You go first.

1465. Go first.

1466. Ok. Listen to this.

1467. I listen to radio. I like show.

1468. But don't make fun of the Chinese people.

1469. Make fun, not funny.

1470. I didn't make fun of the Chinese people, did I?

1471. Probably.

1472. I bring egg rolls.

1473. What is your news? What is it?

1474. It's unbelievable.

1475. I got a job offer today from wnbc in New York.

1476. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain,

1477. $150,000 a year,

1478. and they said if I do really well,

1479. they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country.

1480. This is it. This is everything I want.

1481. It's like... it's the dream, the big apple.

1482. I'm pregnant.

1483. You're pregnant?

1484. Mm-hmm.

1485. Come here.

1486. What?

1487. Come here. Just come here.

1488. Come here.

1489. My God.

1490. Pregnant?

1491. So what's going on? What's gonna happen?

1492. Everything's good.

1493. Yeah?

1494. She's gonna get naked?

1495. Yeah, sure. Of course.

1496. All right. Let's get her out. Let's do it.

1497. She'll get naked?

1498. Yeah. That's why we're here, man. Ok.

1499. Ok, honey.

1500. Hi. How's it going?

1501. Good. This is Gary.

1502. Hi. How you doing?

1503. Good. I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do this,

1504. but I really changed my mind.

1505. I don't want to do it anymore.

1506. Ok. What's, uh, like, what's the problem?

1507. What are you worried about?

1508. I just changed my mind.

1509. What do you mean? You are doing it.

1510. We didn't drive here for you to change your mind.

1511. No. It's just very humiliating to me.

1512. What's humiliating?

1513. It's not that big a deal.

1514. We've done it a lot on the show.

1515. I think Howard would appreciate it if you would do it for us.

1516. No. I changed my mind, and I'm really sorry.

1517. I know I told you that I'd do it, but I don't want to.

1518. I think it's very humiliating.

1519. Honey, this is not humiliating. This is show business.

1520. You got a great body. Let everybody see it.

1521. Yeah. You're beautiful.

1522. You're my husband. Don't make me do something I don't want to do.

1523. I'm proud of you, and I want you to do it.

1524. That's why we drove here from Jersey.

1525. What the hell is this donkey here for?

1526. Nobody told me anything about a donkey.

1527. It's a show business donkey.

1528. The donkey's not part of the act.

1529. It had nothing to do with you.

1530. You'll feel at ease once we go do it.

1531. It'll just take two seconds.

1532. Right now, I need to know, are you doing it or not?

1533. No, I'm not.

1534. Honey, you are doing it.

1535. I changed my mind. And you're my husband. You should support me.

1536. Howard goes to New York.

1537. Thanks for nothing, guys. Gino, let the donkey go.

1538. Come on, guys. Wrap it up. They're not doing it.

1539. What you're about to hear is going to shock you

1540. because it's vulgar and obscene.

1541. It's x-rated radio, barnyard radio.

1542. You mommies and daddies out there who complained to the radio station,

1543. I got something to say to you.

1544. Here.

1545. This is a story with a twist.

1546. While we were producing this report,

1547. Howard stern was lured away from Washington by a New York City station.

1548. That station, you guessed it, is wnbc...

1549. This person is coming here to work at our flagship station?

1550. Yes.

1551. Brad, you gave this trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal

1552. without even hearing him on the air?

1553. Yes, Roger.

1554. He's on the fcc's most-wanted list.

1555. Roger, his rate...

1556. Chuck, will you show him the numbers.

1557. Through the roof.

1558. No, no. Don't bother.

1559. You're fired, all of you. Get out.

1560. Get out!

1561. You know, unless he quits,

1562. it's gonna cost half a million dollars

1563. to buy stern's contract out.

1564. I reject that on principle.

1565. Uh, Mr. erlick, if I may?

1566. Put me in charge of the stern show.

1567. Let me ride herd on him,

1568. and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another don imus.

1569. When I'm through whipping him,

1570. that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass.

1571. You want to tame him?

1572. Well, either I'll tame him,

1573. or I'll make him so crazy he'll quit.

1574. So either way, we win.

1575. I'll tell you, these halls are, like,

1576. you know, uh, legendary.

1577. It's pretty wild.

1578. Kenny. Howard stern.

1579. Hi. Hey, how you doing?

1580. Howard!

1581. Great to meet you.

1582. Oh, it is such a pleasure to meet you, Howard.

1583. What can I say? This is unbelievable, you know.

1584. Kenny is the hottest young programmer in New York City.

1585. Howard, you gotta listen to this man 'cause he's a genius.

1586. Come on, now. Ha ha ha ha.

1587. Play nice.

1588. Thanks, man. God bless.

1589. Good seeing you. I'll see you later.

1590. He's terrific.

1591. Oh, yeah, he's been terrific.

1592. Everyone's been so nice. It's a good feeling.

1593. Howard, how about you have a seat?

1594. Oh, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard.

1595. Howard... The way we work here at nbc...

1596. Is a more professional manner than you're probably used to.

1597. Now, see, I don't care about what you did down in Washington,

1598. 'cause that's chickenshit radio.

1599. Here at nbc, this is real radio,

1600. and the first thing you've gotta do

1601. is say the call letters properly, ok?

1602. Now, I'm gonna teach you how to say them, all right?

1603. And you know, I hope you can get them,

1604. because, see, you don't have a real good voice

1605. like imus or captain Frank or nothing,

1606. so we're gonna have to practice it.

1607. Well...

1608. You mean practice in here now?

1609. You're not going to get bashful on me now, are you, Howard?

1610. Ok, you ready?

1611. The way it's said properly is...

1612. W n... Bc.

1613. This is key.

1614. Come on.

1615. W n... Bc.

1616. No. No.

1617. It's gotta be more like this.

1618. Listen up.

1619. W n... Bc.

1620. You hear that?

1621. Kinda lift, that n... Bc.

1622. W n... Bc.

1623. W n... Bc.

1624. Wider and kind of...

1625. W n... Bc.

1626. One more.

1627. In my mind, I'm hearing...

1628. it sounds like I'm saying exactly what you're saying.

1629. No. Actually...

1630. w n... Bc.

1631. You've gotta listen to imus.

1632. Imus does it perfectly.

1633. Tell you what. I'm gonna take you down to imus' office right now,

1634. and you're gonna hear how he does it. Come on, boy.

1635. You know, I... come on.

1636. I gotta tell you something, Kenny.

1637. I always saw myself sort of something different than imus.

1638. That's why you hired me.

1639. You are original. You are original, but...

1640. You say a lot of offensive things,

1641. and occasionally you are real funny,

1642. but you've got to learn to do what imus does.

1643. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself.

1644. He says it through a character.

1645. Yeah, well, I don't do character...

1646. how about you go on the air 3:00 A.M. this morning,

1647. show us some characters. Ok?

1648. Good. Now, I'm gonna go in there

1649. and just see how he's feeling. You stay here. Ok?

1650. Mr. imus?

1651. Back then,

1652. don imus was the number-one disc jockey in New York,

1653. so I guess I was kind of curious to meet him.

1654. You are interrupting me.

1655. I have, uh, Howard stern outside.

1656. You have who outside?

1657. The young man from Washington that we...

1658. you have Howard stern outside my fucking office?

1659. How did Howard stern get outside my fucking office?

1660. I brought him down...

1661. well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck. He's nothing.

1662. Fuck off!

1663. hello. I'm Robin quivers,

1664. and it's my great pleasure to introduce you

1665. to New York's newest disc jockey.

1666. Howard, lisping: Ooo-ey, that's me.

1667. Hi. I'm Lance eluxina on w n... Bc.

1668. Wnbc.

1669. I'm so excited

1670. because I am New York's first ever gay disc jockey.

1671. Ever!

1672. And now I want to introduce to you...

1673. this is so exciting...

1674. I want to introduce to you

1675. someone so marvelous, so wonderful to me,

1676. someone who has supported me,

1677. is my life mate, my soul mate, my love mate.

1678. He's everything and anything to me, Mr. blackswell.

1679. Willkommen. Bienvenue.

1680. Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely to see you here today.

1681. Hi, Mr. engineer. Hi.

1682. Mmm. Give me a kiss. Mmm!

1683. You two are just adorable together,

1684. and it's a wonderful thing to have you here,

1685. but I understand there's already been a problem?

1686. Yes. You know about this?

1687. I was in the program director's office.

1688. His name is pig vomit.

1689. Yes, because he looks like a pig,

1690. and he makes you want to vomit.

1691. He's pig vomit.

1692. Anyway, pig vomit says to me,

1693. "this is not wnbc.

1694. "It is w n... Bc, w n... Bc,"

1695. and I was not saying the call letters right.

1696. It's a big problem,

1697. so in order to rectify this,

1698. I brought in a cup of blackswell's semen.

1699. Semen?

1700. I squoze it myself.

1701. I hope it's not too tangy.

1702. And what are you gonna do with it?

1703. I'm gonna gargle with this

1704. and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.

1705. You think that'll work?

1706. I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.

1707. Ooga. Ooga. Ooga.

1708. All right, if I could have some music now.

1709. Mr. engineer, please, some music.

1710. Would you, please? Would you give us a record,

1711. por favor?

1712. Ok, thank you.

1713. Now watch and learn.

1714. W n.. Bc.

1715. Thar she blows.

1716. Oh. Can you believe it?

1717. You just swallowed.

1718. I swallowed. Oh, my God.

1719. Waste not, want not, Robin.

1720. Oh!

1721. I wanna say I love w n... Bc.

1722. See? It worked. I can say it.

1723. W n... Bc.

1724. Wnbc, please hold. Wnbc, please hold.

1725. Wnbc, please hold. Wnbc, please hold.

1726. Wnbc, please hold. Wnbc, please hold.

1727. so we gave them some characters, right?

1728. Get in.

1729. You goddamn motherfuckers.

1730. You fucking waltz in here,

1731. and you think you know everything, don't you?

1732. Well, I fucking worked my fucking ass off

1733. to get to New York City,

1734. and you sure as fuck

1735. are not gonna fucking blow it for me!

1736. I was just doing character...

1737. Barry, Jerry,

1738. clarify the situation for him, please.

1739. Page 108, paragraph 3:

1740. "No jokes dealing with flatulence,

1741. "excretion, urination, ejaculation,

1742. or other bodily functions."

1743. Also note paragraph 2:

1744. "No use of the so-called 7 dirty words.

1745. "These are cocksucker, motherfucker,

1746. fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy."

1747. Now, from now on, all your little bits

1748. are gonna be under two minutes in duration,

1749. and all scripts... and I do mean all scripts...

1750. require my personal approval.

1751. Welcome to nbc, Howard.

1752. it's time for "the match game."

1753. And thank you, Mr. announcer.

1754. Hi, everybody. My name is gene sternburn,

1755. and welcome to "match game."

1756. We have a lot of excitement in the air today

1757. because we have some great panelists.

1758. Let me introduce you to everybody.

1759. First of all, I want to introduce all of you

1760. to a very, very charming and beautiful lady,

1761. the very beautiful miss Brett somers.

1762. How are you, baby?

1763. Hi, gene.

1764. Hygiene, that's something I don't think you have.

1765. Hey, back off.

1766. Ok, and let's now go over to somebody who I really admire,

1767. the ex-president of the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.

1768. Hello, everybody. Hello.

1769. I'm very, very honored right now

1770. to introduce to all of you a very special man.

1771. He's come all the way to our show for the first time.

1772. Mr. Jackie "the jokeman" martling.

1773. Well, thank you, gene. That's very nice of you.

1774. Let's play our game now, ok? Shall we?

1775. And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, ok?

1776. Now, I want you to listen carefully.

1777. Our first clue up is...

1778. Blank willow.

1779. Blank willow.

1780. Let's go over to miss Brett somers right now.

1781. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.

1782. The only thing on my mind, gene,

1783. was pussy.

1784. Uh-oh.

1785. Pussy. Hey, all right.

1786. Hey, that's kind of wild.

1787. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said.

1788. All right, let's go over to dick Nixon, former president of the United States.

1789. What did you have? Blank willow.

1790. In any language, pussy.

1791. All right!

1792. Now let's go to our newest member

1793. of the panel,

1794. Mr. Jackie "jokeman" martling. Blank willow.

1795. Well, gene, I didn't write it too neat,

1796. so I have a sloppy pussy.

1797. Sloppy pussy!

1798. We got a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.

1799. Are we talking about Brett again?

1800. All right, now, let's keep going.

1801. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, ok?

1802. Everybody ready?

1803. Blank a-doodle-doo.

1804. Blank a-doodle-doo.

1805. Blank a-doodle-doo.

1806. You think about that while the celebrities are writing.

1807. Here we go. Let's go over to our dick Nixon,

1808. our own ex-president. What do you got there, dick?

1809. Well, it takes a dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote.

1810. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

1811. Now, that's what I would have said.

1812. That seemed like the obvious answer.

1813. Ok, let's go to our own Jackie "the jokeman" martling.

1814. Jackie the jokeman?

1815. Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big.

1816. I have a big cock.

1817. Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio.

1818. I think that's a no-no.

1819. But I just said pussy.

1820. Yeah, she just said pussy.

1821. Yes, pussy is ok. It's the way he says it.

1822. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

1823. So I can't say "big cock,"

1824. but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?

1825. That's correct. That sucks.

1826. Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?

1827. All right, enough of this nonsense.

1828. We gotta move to miss Brett somers.

1829. Just like the boys, gene, I've got cock.

1830. There it is, cock-a-doo... do me a favor

1831. and hold that up so I can see your cock.

1832. Aw, gene, don't have one of your own?

1833. All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock.

1834. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.

1835. I want to thank all of you. Give yourselves a big hand.

1836. Ok, let's have a little music, Phil.

1837. You did not have permission to do that bit.

1838. I never approved that script, goddamn it, Howard!

1839. Wait a second. Calm down, ok, Kenny?

1840. There's a perfectly good explanation.

1841. I'm all ears, Howard. Let's hear it.

1842. I gave the script to Fred.

1843. And I gave it to Robin over there.

1844. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, Kenny.

1845. I forgot to put it in your box.

1846. There you go. Perfectly good explanation.

1847. It'll never happen again, Kenny.

1848. You're goddamn right she's never gonna do it again. You're fired.

1849. What?

1850. Gather your things together, Robin. Let's go.

1851. Wait a second, Kenny. What are you talking about?

1852. She had nothing to do with the bit.

1853. It was all me.

1854. Pack up your shit. I'm not kidding. Let's go.

1855. Kenny, you can't blame someone over one lousy bit.

1856. You can't go firing them.

1857. Oh, yes, I can, Howard.

1858. Robin, get the fuck out!

1859. Listen to me. Listen to me.

1860. If you give me a couple of days,

1861. I know I can get you back on the air.

1862. Forget it.

1863. They're trying to break us apart. They're trying to beat us.

1864. That's the whole point. You and Fred should quit,

1865. and we should go somewhere else.

1866. Quit? If I quit, they win.

1867. Don't you see? I don't want them to win. I can't quit.

1868. You're not gonna quit? No.

1869. You're gonna let 'em throw me out like garbage?

1870. No. I want to beat these guys, stomp them into the ground.

1871. The only way to do that is to stay on the air.

1872. I've gotta stay on the air, Robin.

1873. You're pathetic.

1874. I'm not pathetic.

1875. Just give me a couple of days to make them understand.

1876. I can convince these guys to bring you back.

1877. I know I can do that. I have that ability.

1878. Fuck you.

1879. They're gonna hire you back. How can you say "fuck you"?

1880. Hey, move it, asshole!

1881. She thinks I'm total scum.

1882. She thinks I'm lower than scum.

1883. She thinks you're letting her take the fall.

1884. Well, what do you think?

1885. I think you've been loyal to every person you've ever worked with.

1886. That's the way you are, you know?

1887. You'll find a way to get her back.

1888. In fact, I feel sorry for nbc,

1889. because as soon as you start in on them,

1890. they're gonna be sorry they ever fired her in the first place.

1891. You're right.

1892. I know.

1893. Howard, Fred, I'd like you to meet your new newsman,

1894. Ross Buckingham.

1895. Hi. Pleasure.

1896. I'm looking forward to joining the team.

1897. Now, old Ross here's quite lively,

1898. and I think he'll fit in well

1899. with your special brand of humor.

1900. As a matter of fact,

1901. I'm a bit of an old comedy man myself.

1902. I've done quite a bit of light comedy in my younger years.

1903. Summer stock... Mostly.

1904. Hundreds of people gathered in central park this afternoon

1905. to remember former beatle John Lennon,

1906. who was murdered two years ago today. Lennon's killer...

1907. hey, let me ask you something, Ross.

1908. Were you a Beatles fan?

1909. Uh... Y-yes, I... I was, once.

1910. Lennon's killer, mark David Chapman...

1911. now, mark David Chapman... now, there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.

1912. Mark David Chapman, what do you make of him?

1913. I mean, he's probably in a prison cell right now enjoying himself.

1914. I say electrocute him. You gotta be with that program, huh, Ross?

1915. I hope this was a good idea.

1916. Uh, I think we're supposed

1917. to be having the news now.

1918. Forget that. Just repeat after me, Ross.

1919. I want to kill mark David Chapman.

1920. are we ready in there, Freddy boy?

1921. Ok. We've got our next phone call to Ross.

1922. Guess who's on the phone with us.

1923. I really have no idea.

1924. Just take a wild guess. Do it right off the top of your head.

1925. Um...

1926. This is a good one. It's a good mystery guest.

1927. Um...

1928. What an ad-libber, Ross.

1929. All right, I don't want to put you under too much pressure.

1930. Hi. Is this Betty Jean rushton?

1931. Yes, it is.

1932. Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard stern,

1933. w n... Bc.

1934. I work with your husband Kenny.

1935. Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.

1936. Oh, I bet Kenny has.

1937. The reason I'm calling is because your husband

1938. has been very bitchy around here lately,

1939. and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...

1940. More sex?

1941. Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?

1942. Yes. You know, you might be right about that, Howard.

1943. Oh, really? I think I am right.

1944. Howard!

1945. You ever do that again, I'll kill you.

1946. I need Robin. She's the anchor on the show.

1947. That's what's missing.

1948. You have violated my wife.

1949. I did not.

1950. You soiled the sanctity of my home!

1951. What are you saying? I didn't do anything.

1952. I wouldn't even be doing bits like that

1953. if Robin was with me.

1954. I never would have even called his wife on the air

1955. if I had Robin sitting there.

1956. She's the voice of reason.

1957. You know what? You know what you are, stern?

1958. You're the antichrist.

1959. What? Yes, that's what you are!

1960. You are the motherfucking antichrist!

1961. Kenny, take it easy.

1962. Well, this is an exciting day for us here in the studio

1963. because we have a stage star with us.

1964. This is Donna Porter with us on the show,

1965. and she's here to talk about life in the theater,

1966. and, Donna, I don't know if you know this,

1967. but our own news guy Ross Buckingham

1968. actually has some theater experience as well, don't you, Ross?

1969. Do you want to tell us about that?

1970. Yes. Um... I once did some summer stock.

1971. I know you're very, very proud

1972. of your summer stock experience.

1973. When you went on stage the very first time,

1974. did you ever get nervous?

1975. No, I was... Quite comfortable.

1976. I see. That's very interesting.

1977. Then, in 1926,

1978. general sarnoff formed nbc radio,

1979. America's first network.

1980. I guess you could say I was a little nervous

1981. the first time I was ever on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.

1982. Now, why is that?

1983. Can I show you?

1984. Sure. I think we'd like to see what you have.

1985. Right now, you're getting a look at a live broadcast

1986. of "the Howard stern show."

1987. That's about 13 inches,

1988. and you're licking whipped cream off a kielbasa,

1989. and you're putting it in your mouth,

1990. and you're jamming the kielbasa

1991. all the way down your throat.

1992. Oh, my God. Look at that.

1993. The entire kielbasa is going down.

1994. She has swallowed an entire 13-inch kielbasa.

1995. Look at that. A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.

1996. Wow. You gotta love that, folks.

1997. You gotta love it, don't you, Ross?

1998. Ross Buckingham, have you ever seen a woman

1999. swallow an entire 13-inch kielbasa?

2000. When you were in the theater,

2001. did you ever work with a kielbasa?

2002. What he did to me today

2003. was the most unprofessional and insulting experience of my life.

2004. I hold you and this station personally responsible.

2005. If you want to fire me, fire me. Go ahead,

2006. but I refuse to work with this man one minute longer.

2007. Good day.

2008. Ok, it's 5:35 at w n... Bc.

2009. Time for the news.

2010. I'm not real good at this, I confess,

2011. but I'm trying...

2012. Who the fuck are we gonna get?

2013. Beats me. No one wants to work with him.

2014. Is it Monaco or mon-aco?

2015. Monaco?

2016. That's what I thought. Monaco.

2017. Well, anyway, she's dead.

2018. You know, I'm thinking about...

2019. What about Kelly landers?

2020. Absolutely refuses.

2021. Says she'd rather quit.

2022. I have a theory that he is the one

2023. who cut the brakes on the car.

2024. Now, I could be crazy, but I figure a guy who's been married

2025. as long as prince reindeer is ready for a new wife.

2026. I mean, princess grace... beautiful woman and all that...

2027. but she was losing her looks. Let's be honest.

2028. There were bags under those eyes.

2029. In other news,

2030. one of Italy's highest-ranking police officials,

2031. general Alberto decarlo...

2032. Kenny, we're one of the biggest radio stations in America.

2033. We can't just not do the news.

2034. My program director pig vomit

2035. gets assassinated by sicilians in palermo.

2036. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

2037. I want to pray to God right now.

2038. Jesus Christ, who I love so much,

2039. more than anything in the whole world,

2040. I am begging you, please...

2041. Send a hit man to the United States of America

2042. to kill pig vomit finally.

2043. Thank you. I love you, God.

2044. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.

2045. so if we bring Robin back, you'll behave?

2046. Absolutely. Robin's my anchor.

2047. You can't trust him.

2048. Kenny, that's not fair,

2049. and quite frankly, I'm just a little bit hurt

2050. that you're so incapable of being supportive,

2051. and, vin, please, if you hire Robin back,

2052. I promise you you won't be sorry.

2053. You have my word.

2054. Thank you.

2055. We hate noise. Isn't that right, Jerry?

2056. Yeah. Makes me nuts.

2057. No, it's a very quiet street.

2058. You're gonna like it here.

2059. Excuse me for a second.

2060. You're back. I got you back.

2061. It's a miracle of all miracles.

2062. I can't talk right now.

2063. Oh, hello. How are you?

2064. I even got you an office. You're all set.

2065. I'm showing my apartment now.

2066. You're looking at this apartment?

2067. Let me tell you something. There are roaches the size of dogs here.

2068. I don't advise you living here. Excuse me.

2069. It is disgusting. Take a look behind the fireplace.

2070. You'll see. Excuse me. I'll come back and tell you.

2071. What the hell do you think you're doing?

2072. Robin, you got your job back, so what's the problem?

2073. The problem is that when I needed you,

2074. you didn't stand behind me.

2075. Robin, those guys are assholes. They screwed you,

2076. and they screwed me. We gotta get back in there and beat them.

2077. We were supposed to be a team.

2078. We are a team, for God's sakes.

2079. We're gonna be the greatest team in the history of radio.

2080. Come on. What's the big deal?

2081. Look at me, Robin. Robin...

2082. See this?

2083. Look what I'm doing.

2084. You know what I'm doing? I'm begging you.

2085. I'm begging you.

2086. I'm serious.

2087. Come here. I'm gonna kiss your feet.

2088. Look at these gams.

2089. Look at these feet.

2090. I'm worshipping your foot.

2091. Look at me, Robin.

2092. What are you doing?

2093. People are looking at us.

2094. I'm begging you to... I'm liking it down here.

2095. Hey, Robin,

2096. you love this, don't you?

2097. It gives me great pleasure now

2098. to welcome back on our show

2099. the very beautiful, multitalented...

2100. Uh, vivacious...

2101. Tight-sweatered...

2102. Beautifully big-breasted Robin quivers. I love her.

2103. Thank you.

2104. May I say that you are beautifully big-breasted again?

2105. No.

2106. Thank God you're back, 'cause the show sucked without you.

2107. Actually, I just want to say how much I really missed you and...

2108. Aww.

2109. That I really do love you,

2110. and I'm just so glad you're back.

2111. Ok there, Mr. rushton,

2112. you pick up the phone, and it rings right into my booth.

2113. Good, but don't answer it.

2114. Immediately disconnect stern's microphone,

2115. dump out of the delay, and go straight to a record.

2116. That would be it, sir.

2117. Always have a record ready to go.

2118. Yes, sir.

2119. This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.

2120. Oh, look at this, Robin. This is unbelievable.

2121. Oh, the underpants are coming off.

2122. That is the first naked lady in the history of radio.

2123. Sans panties, sans bra.

2124. I am shocked.

2125. So am I. This is disgraceful.

2126. We should be taken off the air.

2127. You've finally done it.

2128. Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?

2129. Thank you, Howard.

2130. Let me tell you something.

2131. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio,

2132. Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me

2133. and give me a massage while she is nude.

2134. What does a massage have to do with making it into history?

2135. Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas.

2136. I just gotta get touched.

2137. I can't wait, Howard.

2138. You can't wait?

2139. Let me tell you something...

2140. I'm not kidding around... you are beautiful,

2141. and my thoughts are right in the gutter.

2142. You understand what I mean?

2143. This is the tudor, right?

2144. Center-hall plan, very traditional.

2145. Naked I've been thinking about you, too.

2146. Only reason it's for sale is they're divorcing.

2147. Would you believe 80% of my listings are from divorces?

2148. Mmm. For God's sakes.

2149. Now, what do you suggest we do here?

2150. Why don't you come lay over here and get comfortable?

2151. I could do that.

2152. All right.

2153. I can't believe my luck here.

2154. Don't hurt yourself getting over there.

2155. I won't.

2156. All right, hold on a second.

2157. Let me get my cans on.

2158. Ok.

2159. Ooh, you know what? You know... oh, man.

2160. Let me soak you in.

2161. Holy cow, are you naked.

2162. You know what I like about you?

2163. What?

2164. I like that you're the perfect height.

2165. I could have sex with you standing up.

2166. Look at that. Ooh.

2167. Howard! You're married.

2168. I am? I mean, I am.

2169. Well, I'm not really married anymore.

2170. What do you mean?

2171. Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened.

2172. My wife was suffering from cancer... I never told you this...

2173. and she died last night.

2174. I've been single for exactly 6 hours.

2175. Honey, if you're up there now,

2176. I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side,

2177. but I want you to cover your ears and eyes.

2178. Besides, you're married to God now...

2179. Your husband's quite a character.

2180. Only on the radio. It's just an act.

2181. Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever touched me like this before.

2182. Let me ask you something.

2183. You have the look of love in your eyes,

2184. but I'm an ugly man. I know this.

2185. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?

2186. Physically, I am.

2187. I mean, you're smart. You're sexy.

2188. Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...

2189. I didn't say a thing.

2190. Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch.

2191. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.

2192. You're funny.

2193. You know what I would do to you physically?

2194. What would you do?

2195. I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something.

2196. Whatever it is, it would last 3 seconds.

2197. 3 seconds, I'd be finished.

2198. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.

2199. I kind of want to wrap my legs around you.

2200. You do?

2201. The average radio listener listens for 18 minutes.

2202. Mm-hmm.

2203. The average Howard stern fan listens for...

2204. are you ready for this?

2205. An hour and 20 minutes.

2206. How can that be?

2207. Answer most commonly given:

2208. "I want to see what he'll say next."

2209. All right, ok, fine.

2210. But what about the people who hate stern?

2211. Good point. The average stern hater...

2212. Listens for 21/2 hours a day.

2213. Look, but if they hate him,

2214. why do they listen?

2215. Most common answer:

2216. "I want to see what he'll say next."

2217. Kenny. Fucking twisted. What?

2218. You better listen to this.

2219. This is nice. You wanna know something?

2220. This is the God's honest truth.

2221. Come here. I want to tell you closer.

2222. I am fully aroused right now. I am totally engorged.

2223. Oh, my God.

2224. Naked Well, after the show,

2225. why don't we go someplace else and see how it feels?

2226. Really? That's great.

2227. You know why I love you? 'Cause you're smart.

2228. And you're practically a virgin, right?

2229. Practically.

2230. I'm gonna be so honest with you now.

2231. I've never said this before.

2232. I'm telling you, I'm a full 21/2 inches,

2233. and I've never been 21/2... what's the music?

2234. We're off the air.

2235. Are we off the air?

2236. Oh. Would you do me a favor? Just stay right there, ok?

2237. What the hell's going on? What are you doing, man?

2238. Look, rushton told me, this phone...

2239. oh, come on, man. Don't listen to Kenny.

2240. I'm just doing what he told me, that's all.

2241. Shit, man, you don't take me off the air

2242. in the middle of a fucking bit.

2243. Come on. Don't listen to Kenny.

2244. You're supposed to listen to me.

2245. He's the boss.

2246. Forget it. You believe this?

2247. What the hell are they doing?

2248. Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Kenny?

2249. It's Howard over in the air studio.

2250. Just hold the line.

2251. As soon as they get him on,

2252. just keep him on the line.

2253. Fred, get me back on the air.

2254. Just patch the phone call onto the air, ok?

2255. Just put it right through as soon as you can.

2256. Fuck, man.

2257. Patch it in.

2258. I said, patch it in!

2259. Yes, Robin, he's running in right now.

2260. Can I have the phone, please, just for a second?

2261. Hi, Robin. We back on the air?

2262. Yeah. Everybody can hear.

2263. Ok, I'm right outside pig vomit's office.

2264. I'm gonna knock on his door.

2265. All right.

2266. Hey, pig vomit.

2267. Come on, Kenny. Why don't you open up?

2268. I want to know why this guy had to cut my show off.

2269. Come on, pig vomit.

2270. Mr. stern, he's in a meeting.

2271. I'd like to know what meeting

2272. is more important than my show.

2273. He took the show right off the air.

2274. What'd you take the show off the air for, pig vomit? Huh?

2275. This isn't funny, Howard.

2276. Oh, it's not funny?

2277. What are you talking about?

2278. I think it's very funny.

2279. How would you know what's funny, anyway?

2280. You're not bringing that in here, stern.

2281. I don't see anybody in here in a meeting, do you?

2282. You gotta go.

2283. Why would I have to go?

2284. Why don't you explain to my audience

2285. why you had to shut down the show?

2286. I don't answer to you, stern.

2287. Yes, you do, you big idiot scumbag.

2288. I'm your boss. I'm your boss.

2289. Hey, what's this?

2290. Robin, it's everybody's salary on his desk.

2291. Goddamn it, get out of here!

2292. He hit me, Robin. He's hitting me.

2293. Hit him back.

2294. I'm gonna hit you back.

2295. I hit him back. He hit...

2296. you're not getting the phone from me, Kenny.

2297. Gimme the damn phone.

2298. No!

2299. Oh!

2300. Oh, my God, Robin.

2301. Kenny just hit himself in the face. He's bleeding.

2302. Give that to me.

2303. Hey, come on.

2304. Oh!

2305. Oh, goodness, what's going on?

2306. Vince just got hit by Kenny.

2307. Goddamn it, stern!

2308. You look! See that? Blood, stern!

2309. Are you ok? No!

2310. Broke my nose!

2311. It wasn't my fault.

2312. I'll sue your ass!

2313. Get out of here!

2314. Our first guest tonight

2315. is the afternoon drive-time disc jockey

2316. at wnbc radio here in New York City.

2317. Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor.

2318. Please welcome Howard stern.

2319. Howard!

2320. Nice to see you. How are you?

2321. Good. Good.

2322. Right over there. Have a seat.

2323. Now, uh, Howard, you know, uh...

2324. I admire you, you know? I love what you do.

2325. I think you're a pioneer.

2326. You're on the cutting edge of radio entertainment.

2327. You and I both work for nbc.

2328. You have the radio show,

2329. I have the little TV show here.

2330. How do you get along with the folks here?

2331. You enjoying the experience?

2332. I hate it at nbc, Dave.

2333. It's the worst. It sucks. I gotta tell you something.

2334. All the management at nbc...

2335. bunch of creeps, and I'm not afraid to say it right now,

2336. and, you know, it's funny,

2337. because I know you feel the same exact way I do about nbc

2338. because you told me on the phone personally last week

2339. that you feel the same way.

2340. I couldn't be happier. Everything is fine.

2341. I don't understand them at all.

2342. Now, Howard, let's get back to the issue of them being creepy.

2343. Now, when you say they're creep...

2344. he makes us sound like a bunch of idiots on the radio.

2345. He criticizes us on television.

2346. I thought you were going to control this guy.

2347. Oh, well, we are, sir.

2348. In fact, we're designing a more restrictive program

2349. shut up. To make sure...

2350. how are his numbers?

2351. The official ratings don't come out until tomorrow,

2352. but we've got some projections.

2353. Stern... Has gone...

2354. From a 2.9 to a 5.6.

2355. He's number one in the market.

2356. He's the hottest d.J. In New York.

2357. Kind of weird, you know?

2358. I thought there was a mistake or something,

2359. but... Uh-uh... No.

2360. My girlfriends think I'm crazy for letting you behave like that on the air.

2361. What are you talking about?

2362. You know what it is? It's those yentas you hang around with.

2363. They're... they're driving you crazy.

2364. It's not yentas, Howard. It's everybody.

2365. I can't even go... I can't even get my hair done.

2366. I can't even walk in and get my hair done

2367. without people looking at me like, "oh, God, that poor little thing."

2368. Then you know what you gotta do?

2369. You gotta go to a different hair shop or something.

2370. Please. For God's sakes,

2371. if the place is driving you crazy, don't go there.

2372. It's not that! It's not that!

2373. God, no wonder they think you're sleeping around!

2374. Look at me! Look at me!

2375. I'm disgusting! What about you?

2376. You're not disgusting.

2377. I look like a house.

2378. I look like an elephant!

2379. You do not. You look beautiful.

2380. You don't look like an elephant. I do.

2381. You don't look like babar. You look gorgeous.

2382. This is the most beautiful you ever looked.

2383. You're carrying our baby.

2384. Come over here. You want to sit down on this couch?

2385. You know what the problem is? You're tired.

2386. I am tired.

2387. Here.

2388. Look at this. It's our baby.

2389. It's beautiful. You're beautiful.

2390. Beautiful.

2391. Who would come here?

2392. Quiet.

2393. I don't want to get that.

2394. Oh.

2395. Ok. I'll go get the door.

2396. Don't go away. Ok.

2397. Howdy, partner.

2398. How you doing? Oh, hey, Kenny.

2399. Can I come in just for a second?

2400. It's kind of a bad time, ok?

2401. Just real quick, ok? Listen.

2402. I want to tell you something.

2403. You've won.

2404. When the new ratings come out tomorrow,

2405. you are going to be number one.

2406. You understand me? A point and a half higher than imus.

2407. No shit? You've killed him. You've slayed him.

2408. You understand me? Ha ha!

2409. That's great news. Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.

2410. Howard! Howard! Howard!

2411. Listen, I know I've been a real pain in the butt, ok?

2412. But that's all over with now.

2413. Now, you're going to need a friend on the inside.

2414. I'm going to do everything I can for you.

2415. All right? How's that sound, partner?

2416. Fuck you.

2417. People of New York...

2418. People of earth...

2419. We are gathered here today

2420. in praise of me!

2421. Man, this is a great day in my life.

2422. I've been dreaming of this day forever.

2423. Thank you.

2424. Thanks.

2425. You know, when I got to nbc,

2426. they treated me like I was a jerk.

2427. They did everything to sabotage me, but because of you...

2428. Because of you, and only because of you,

2429. I am now the number-one disc jockey in New York,

2430. and I thank you. I love you for that.

2431. I love you!

2432. Thank you!

2433. This is my gift to you, New York...

2434. Ac/do!

2435. how! My water broke!

2436. What?

2437. My water broke!

2438. Howard!

2439. keep it moving!

2440. Howard! Howard!

2441. Owww!

2442. Now, push! Push!

2443. No, no, don't push. Just breathe deeply.

2444. Don't push, honey.

2445. Ice chips.

2446. Fuck ice chips, how!

2447. Listen to me...

2448. We named her Emily. 7 pounds, 8 ounces.

2449. She was incredibly beautiful. Really nice.

2450. Well, you must have felt fabulous.

2451. Yeah, I had everything I ever wanted in life, you know.

2452. You know, I have to admit

2453. that I'm really not a very big fan of yours,

2454. but, in fact, I...

2455. I know. You thought I was a disgusting, sexist, racist pig

2456. who had the maturity level of a 3-year-old, right?

2457. Yeah, exactly.

2458. Yeah. I get that all the time,

2459. but then you know what happens?

2460. What?

2461. I grow on you like a fungus.

2462. I could see that.

2463. You know, I have to tell you...

2464. This has been a really great flight.

2465. Really?

2466. Mm-hmm.

2467. You know, I could get this girl.

2468. I know I could get her,

2469. and this is the hell that's my life.

2470. I mean, think about it.

2471. What would it be like to have sex with her?

2472. It would be amazing,

2473. but I'm not going to act on it.

2474. You know why?

2475. Because I'm a schmuck.

2476. No, because I love Alison.

2477. She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know?

2478. You gotta respect that.

2479. I think you have to respect that.

2480. You have to respect that.

2481. Hey, everybody!

2482. Daddy! Daddy!

2483. Oh, did I miss you!

2484. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

2485. Let's go say hi to mommy. Come on.

2486. Hi. Wait, wait. There we go.

2487. Did you miss me? Mmm!

2488. Hi, honey. I missed you.

2489. Oh, Gloria.

2490. Honey, Gloria. Gloria, honey.

2491. Hi. Hi.

2492. Maybe the two of you would like to have

2493. a little menage a trois, tonight?

2494. Huh. You know what? Maybe some other time.

2495. Just, you know, trying.

2496. Yeah, I know.

2497. Ok. See you, Gloria.

2498. So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public,

2499. and the fcc wants me off the air,

2500. and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts,

2501. and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood.

2502. Hey, after all, being misunderstood

2503. is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

2504. But my life isn't bad at all.

2505. I'm still on the air,

2506. I've got my kids,

2507. and I've got Alison.

2508. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have,

2509. and who knows?

2510. With a little time,

2511. the right energy...

2512. I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

2513. stuttering John: Wait! Wait! Is that it?

2514. What, the movie's over?

2515. Oh, yeah? That's bullshit!

2516. Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm stuttering John.

2517. You know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why.

2518. I've been getting up at 5:00 every morning to work for Howard.

2519. I've been pissing off every publicist,

2520. burning every freaking bridge in the industry,

2521. and y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie!

2522. No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie!

2523. I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his freaking potato!

2524. I've been pissed and smacked around by Morton downey,

2525. punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get?

2526. I get fucking nothing! That's what I get!

2527. I'm not even in this fucking movie!

2528. He's says I'll be in the sequel!

2529. Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks?

2530. Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!

2531. Ladies and gentlemen, Mia farrow.

2532. Thank you.

2533. Thank you.

2534. The nominees for best actor are...

2535. Harrison Ford...

2536. Denzel Washington...

2537. Robert de niro...

2538. Tom Hanks...

2539. Howard stern.

2540. And the winner is...

2541. Howard stern.

2542. It's me!

2543. Aah! Oh! Oh!

2544. Shut up! Sit down!

2545. shut up! Sit down!

2546. I told you not to be stupid, you moron.

2547. I'm just thinking for a minute.

2548. Should I trade half my money for 10 times as much sex?

2549. It's an equation from hell.

2550. Oh, well!

2551. It's an equation from hell.

2552. Oh, well!

2553. I bear no grudge against Howard stern.

2554. He's been very successful, and God bless him.

2555. God bless him.

2556. But I'll tell you something,

2557. I ain't done too badly myself.

2558. Uh, I manage a shopping mall

2559. down in Florence, Alabama.

2560. Yeah. It's the number-one mall in colbert county,

2561. and it's number 4 in the state,

2562. so, it's not too bad, you know?

2563. Uh, I play golf several times a week, you know?

2564. Uh, but I'll tell you,

2565. if Howard would have listened to me,

2566. I'd still be up there in radio.

2567. Still be doing radio, you know.

2568. How about that?

2569. That goddamn motherfucker, you know?

2570. I tried every fucking thing I could fucking think of

2571. to mold him into a proper kind of d.J.,

2572. but that...

2573. I'll tell you... Howard stern, man.

2574. I'll say that with no shame either!

2575. Man's a...

2576. Foul-mouthed, immature...

2577. The man's immature, you know?

2578. He's like a... Child.

2579. I'll tell you this much.

2580. There ain't no God while Howard stern's walking the earth,

2581. I'll tell you that. I gotta go.

2582. How about that? Howard stern, huh?

2583. Howard stern can kiss my ass in hell!