Primetime (2026)

1. I will undress you and you will undress me.

2. I will undress you and you will undress me.

3. I will undress you.

4. I will undress you and you will undress me.

5. For a virgin—

6. For a virgin, for a virgin to have sex...

7. For a virgin to have sex, it hurts.

8. So, I will have to put some...

9. extra lubricant.

10. Lubricant.

11. You see how this looks, right?

12. So sorry, morning tuna

13. is rushing downstream a little early.

14. - How early? - Five minutes.

15. He'll be at the house in two minutes.

16. What the fuck, two minutes?

17. You told me five fucking minutes.

18. - I have ears. - I would never say...

19. Why aren't you downstairs at your station?

20. I have monitors—

21. Ready?

22. Let's go.

23. All cameras are recording.

24. Car, car, car.

25. Visual confirmation

26. on 99 Dodge pickup.

27. Okay, coming down the driveway. Here he is.

28. Takedown team in position.

29. All right.

30. He's not getting out of the car.

31. Copy that.

32. Mitchell, pan camera two. Come on.

33. He appears to be unarmed.

34. Is this the Marine?

35. Yeah.

36. Take your positions.

37. Perimeter breached. He's coming.

38. He's coming.

39. Showtime.

40. Hey, what's up?

41. Hey.

42. How are you— how are you doing?

43. Come on in.

44. Oh.

45. Okay.

46. I just gotta put some stuff in the wash real quick.

47. Oh, okay.

48. I made some cookies. They're on the counter.

49. There's sweet tea, too.

50. I'm excited by the way.

51. Okay.

52. Thank— thank you.

53. Are you sure your parents aren't home?

54. I'm sure.

55. You say you baked these?

56. Yeah.

57. Did you bring any of that stuff we talked about?

58. Yeah, I, um, I have a bunch of beer in the car,

59. but I— I brought the condoms.

60. Big night planned.

61. How you doing?

62. I'm...

63. I'm good.

64. Who, wh— who are you?

65. We'll get to that.

66. Why don't you have a seat right there?

67. I— I'm just here to meet her.

68. Meet who?

69. Your— your daughter.

70. My daughter?

71. What makes you think it's my daughter?

72. Please, sir, I—

73. I'm divorced. I— I— I just got divorced.

74. "I will undress you and you will undress me.

75. For a virgin to have sex, it hurts."

76. I— I wasn't here for any bad reason.

77. "So, I will have to put—"

78. "I will have to put some extra lubricant."

79. "Some extra lubricant."

80. Please, sir, I have a little girl at home.

81. She's only 4.

82. You're here at the house of a 13-year-old girl.

83. Sir, I— I— I was just talking.

84. It— it's— it's just chat.

85. It's not just chat though, is it?

86. You see how this looks, right?

87. What would have happened if I wasn't here?

88. I don't want any of this for you

89. but at the end of the day,

90. a man must be held accountable

91. for the decisions that he makes.

92. Do you agree?

93. Well, good.

94. What do you think should happen to you?

95. Give me... the electric chair?

96. Is that what's gonna happen to me?

97. That's not up to me.

98. Get ready to go in.

99. Do you watch television?

100. Yes.

101. Well, there's something you should know.

102. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.

103. And we're doing a story on...

104. No.

105. adults who try to meet teens online.

106. Please don't put this on TV, please.

107. Please, please.

108. No decisions have been made yet.

109. We don't know which segments will air.

110. - Please. - But I'm gonna

111. need to ask you to leave.

112. Go, go, go, go, go.

113. Let me see your hands!

114. Hands, on the ground!

115. Don't move! On the ground!

116. Okay, that's a cut.

117. State your name.

118. Okay.

119. Uh, hello.

120. My name is Dan Plum.

121. I'm...

122. Directly to c— to camera?

123. - To camera. - Oh, got it.

124. Take two.

125. Hello.

126. My name is Dan Plum.

127. I'm non-union,

128. and I'm not currently represented at this time.

129. Although it's mentioned on my resume,

130. I'd like to highlight

131. I recently completed a commercial or a—

132. a national commercial rather, for Toys "R" Us,

133. which was originally a background part,

134. but became a speaking part.

135. So I'm very excited about that.

136. Should I begin?

137. Hm.

138. Okay, that's enough.

139. Do you know what you're auditioning for?

140. Is it a speaking part?

141. Speaking part.

142. 5 freaking grand per shoot.

143. - What the fuck? - For like, three shoots.

144. - 5 grand? - 5 grand.

145. Fuck you, dude. That's crazy.

146. But there's no like, sing— singing or anything in it?

147. I don't— I think it's largely improvisational.

148. The face, you just put your jaw forward. It's just—

149. - Can you do it now? - Oh, yeah.

150. Would you?

151. I thank God every single day

152. for Inside the Actors Studio.

153. It made me realize that what we do is a craft,

154. like whittling or surgery.

155. Wait, so what's the type of role?

156. Are you— you playing a child?

157. Could be as young as 13.

158. That's cra—

159. So how are you gonna get in character, man?

160. How do you produce the voice?

161. It comes out.

162. Hi.

163. Hi.

164. Well, I reckon what you's are wanting to know is—

165. What I'm doing in here.

166. Hey.

167. Well, anyhow, I reckon that's all you'd need to know.

168. Oh my gosh, hey.

169. It's so good to see you.

170. I like soccer.

171. I'm a soccer player.

172. Hmm.

173. Does it sound like I'm straining

174. or does that feel like a lil'?

175. Weirdly, dude, I think you nailed that.

176. If you wanna do this part justice,

177. you gotta have your body looking right.

178. You need to stay in your lane.

179. Okay?

180. What do you mean? What's my lane?

181. Like, nubile.

182. Hairless.

183. Boy man.

184. I don't think that's it.

185. That's you, man.

186. That's your lane.

187. Psst. Hey.

188. Hey.

189. Yeah?

190. It's you.

191. Chris Hammon, right?

192. - Hansen. - I knew it.

193. Thank you.

194. They double-booked me.

195. I started raising hell and they— they—

196. they changed it to a first-class ticket.

197. Now, who am I to turn down free sky margs?

198. Lucky you.

199. It is so cool to meet a real celebrity.

200. What you're doing matters, like really fucking matters.

201. Thank you so much.

202. I appreciate that.

203. I hope they're treating you right.

204. I hope you're making a million dollars a year.

205. I hope they're giving you everything you want. Cheers.

206. Cheers.

207. You know, at first, no one at the network

208. wanted to listen to us.

209. And they said, "How do I promote this?

210. How do I promote this?"

211. And— and I went to the network

212. and I said, "I'll tell you how to promote it.

213. There's a man with his penis in his hand,

214. and he's on your porch,

215. and he wants to stick it in your daughter."

216. Oh.

217. "Tonight, I'm gonna tell you how to make that not happen."

218. God.

219. - Right? - Yes.

220. And they just said, "Okay."

221. "Green lit."

222. Well, that's what it's about, right?

223. It is. That's the entertainment industry.

224. You gotta tell 'em how to sell it.

225. It's not just about making a show.

226. - You know, Chris. - Hmm.

227. If I was you,

228. I'd just fucking kill those guys.

229. Beat the living shit out of 'em.

230. Bare hands.

231. Ha!

232. I don't think that would fly on NBC.

233. Don't you ever just wanna bleed 'em?

234. Uh, well...

235. I think maybe what I do is a little worse.

236. All right, then.

237. Stay down. Don't move.

238. Stop resisting. Give him your hands.

239. Hands behind your back!

240. Stay down!

241. Our Iraq veteran is all apologies now,

242. but this is the same man saying things to a girl

243. he thought was 13 like...

244. "We can take the shower together.

245. "I will undress you, and you will undress me, okay?"

246. Little did he know,

247. he was chatting with an adult man,

248. Xavier Von Erck, a co-founder

249. of the vigilante group Perverted Justice,

250. whose mission is exposing internet predators.

251. Coming up, driveway. Battle stations.

252. - Battle stations. - I— I just gotta go floss.

253. I— I have something stuck in my teeth.

254. This is Del Harvey, one of our decoys.

255. She can act like a cutesy 13-year-old girl.

256. You're so funny.

257. Or she can put a ball cap on

258. and pose as a boy.

259. Do you know anything about like, skateboarding?

260. Oh, I just whacked my toe on the banister.

261. I'll— I'll be right down.

262. I've worked a lot with victims of sexual abuse.

263. I sort of see what I do here as a form of activism.

264. One year since our first investigation,

265. this national epidemic keeps on growing.

266. - How old are you? - 35.

267. Want to try again?

268. When we come back...

269. Hey, come on in.

270. the parade of men begins,

271. and some of them come bearing gifts.

272. I— I brought the condoms, too.

273. You can have a seat right there.

274. Pores.

275. Ca— c— can we get closer in on his pores?

276. When these guys, they see me emerge,

277. their noses flare.

278. And I— I think it'd be fascinating for an audience

279. to experience that as well.

280. Just...

281. Just... yeah.

282. Can I just try that VO one more time?

283. When we come back, the parade of men begins

284. and some of them come bearing gifts.

285. It's time.

286. Hmm.

287. Okay, let's try that again.

288. When we come back,

289. the parade of men begins

290. and some of them come bearing gifts.

291. That was great. I loved it. That's the one.

292. Okay, just one more time.

293. When we come back...

294. When we come back...

295. When we come back, the parade of men begins

296. and some of them come bearing gifts.

297. Very nice. Mark that take.

298. - Just one more time. - We gotta go.

299. - We gotta go. - All right. Thank you.

300. Thank you so much.

301. Great, great work.

302. Guy thinks he's fucking

303. Mike Wallace.

304. Is this a mistake?

305. The trial will have no jury...

306. five anonymous judges will come to their verdict

307. after hearing witness testimony

308. from behind an opaque screen.

309. I'm Stone Phillips with Dateline NBC.

310. Oh, I forgot something, I'll be back.

311. Fucking shit.

312. I told you you can't call me at work.

313. You never want to see me again?

314. Absolutely not.

315. What?

316. Chris, you said you loved me.

317. No, I'm not talking to you.

318. I'm— I— I'm in a meeting. I, uh—

319. You're not in a goddamn meeting.

320. And I know you're in Fort Myers

321. - next week and... - I'll call you back. Okay?

322. if you don't see me then

323. I'm telling your wife. Goodbye!

324. Yeah, vending services.

325. Hello, this is Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.

326. Your machine has just stolen from me.

327. JZ.

328. Great to see you.

329. Apologies.

330. Apologies for the delay. I, uh—

331. It's okay. We— we were

332. supposed to start a few minutes ago,

333. but it's okay. Have a seat, and try a cookie.

334. So, look, I don't know how else to say this,

335. but I don't really like your show.

336. I don't really understand it.

337. I don't really believe in it, but America loves it.

338. Television's changing.

339. Seinfeldgone.

340. Friendsgone.

341. We've poured hundreds of millions of dollars

342. into beautiful scripted shows.

343. The audience just isn't there.

344. They're not watching. Right now,

345. your show has a special connection with the audience.

346. Every one of our competitors is trying to copy it.

347. ABC will have a functioning facsimile

348. in less than a month.

349. So, I need to move you.

350. It's time that you all play with the big boys.

351. What do we got on Thursday nights?

352. Uh, My Name Is Earl.

353. - No. - Bump Joey.

354. We're not bumping Joey.

355. Let me see.

356. Friday Night Lights. No, my favorite show.

357. Criminal Intent. SVU.

358. No. Dick Wolf. Biggest Loser, reality.

359. Oh, I got it.

360. We're taking on...

361. - Lost? - Lost.

362. Lost.

363. Lostis on at the same time.

364. It's us versus them.

365. And we can kill 'em,

366. but we're gonna need a lot more of those

367. you're not gonna believe who's coming high impact—

368. - Predators. - Yeah.

369. Can you do that?

370. Yes, I can.

371. Schoolgirl

372. fetishizers.

373. Yeah, pizza's my favorite.

374. What kind of flavor do you like?

375. - This thing. - Pepperoni.

376. That thing.

377. We've seen it all before.

378. That's old Predator.

379. Oh my God.

380. You're so pretty.

381. Aw, you're so sweet.

382. We need

383. the spectacular, the best of the best.

384. I want whales.

385. All right, this guy's good.

386. CrazyFrog73.

387. He wants us to cover him with whipped cream

388. and he wants to watch the kid have sex with a cat.

389. We're taking the new schedule

390. - to advertisers next week. - Come again?

391. To Catch a Predator, Wednesdays 9:00 p.m.

392. Primetime.

393. Oh, my God. Chris.

394. I always knew it would happen.

395. Okay.

396. I always knew we could do this.

397. So, we need to, um...

398. How do we, um, uh... high impact predators?

399. You know, it's not like we can hold auditions.

400. You know, we're kind of at the mercy of what each town—

401. I know you can figure it out, Andie.

402. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

403. I believe in you.

404. We're gonna find them

405. and we're gonna be bigger than Lost.

406. We're gonna be bigger than Lost.

407. Hey, Hansen.

408. Breaking news. I'm Stone Phillips.

409. Stone Phillips with Dateline NBC.

410. Great job.

411. I could never do what you do.

412. Good to see you, Stone.

413. Mm. It's thrilling.

414. I'll be watching from Afghanistan.

415. Thank you.

416. Hey, buck.

417. I wanna show you boys something.

418. Hey, what's up?

419. Hey. Come on in.

420. Are you sure your parents aren't home?

421. I'm sure.

422. I have a bunch of beer in the car,

423. but I— I brought the condoms.

424. Big night planned.

425. Why don't you have a seat right there?

426. I— I'm just here to meet her.

427. They're gonna put me on primetime.

428. What makes you think it's my daughter?

429. You boys know what that is?

430. No.

431. Well, it's the time when the most amount of people

432. tune in to watch a program.

433. You see how this looks, right?

434. Oh, that's cool.

435. Yeah.

436. At the end of the day,

437. a man has to be held accountable

438. for the decisions that he makes.

439. Don't you agree?

440. Well, what do you think

441. should happen to you?

442. The electric chair.

443. Is that what's gonna happen to me?

444. Hi.

445. I didn't hear you come in.

446. Did you wake them?

447. Oh no, I was just um—

448. I was just reviewing the new edit

449. and uh, they walked in, yeah.

450. I'm glad they saw you.

451. adults who

452. like to meet young teens online.

453. Please, please, please.

454. Don't put this on TV, please.

455. Mary, I— I need to say something

456. or my head is gonna explode. I...

457. I know that you think you know what kind of man I am,

458. that I'm not upstanding in all the ways

459. you thought I would be when we married.

460. But I just wanna say that here and now...

461. I am guilty of everything you accuse me of.

462. The one thing I am not guilty of

463. is falling out of love with you.

464. And I promise when I return,

465. I will be the man you married.

466. They're moving the show to primetime.

467. Hello?

468. Hello, Mr. Plum.

469. Uh, we have a extra large style

470. dildo for you downstairs.

471. Um, if you could come

472. and get it as soon as possible,

473. that would be amazing.

474. It's me, it's Troy.

475. Hey, Troy.

476. Dude, what's the room like?

477. It's awesome.

478. Uh, I have not one, but two beds, and—

479. and they have these like, cool towel things

480. and a view of like uh, this like cool pool.

481. Have you jerked it yet?

482. I'm just kidding, man.

483. Do you have a coffee machine?

484. Yeah.

485. Does it have like,

486. little packets of coffee, and sugar, and cream?

487. Yeah, why?

488. Dude, that's amazing.

489. That's fucking—

490. I— I wish that was me, man.

491. I'll just say that.

492. You're the king of Fort Myers, man.

493. Uh...

494. You know what would be a huge turn on for me?

495. You know what would be a huge turn on for me?

496. Do you have any pets?

497. Do you have any pets?

498. Do you have any pets?

499. You stick my thing in your mouth.

500. And then I promise...

501. Xavier!

502. Is this for a lying child

503. or an adult thinking about fucking a child?

504. - I— I— - Is this for you?

505. It's so obviously a joke.

506. Where are the rest of the goddamn chat logs?

507. - Did you sanction this? - Harv, come on.

508. It's on our merch site.

509. What is merch site?

510. If this doesn't get taken down,

511. I'm not going out there.

512. - It's just a thong. - What...

513. Andie!

514. No. No, no. No.

515. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

516. What are you do— Whoa, what is this?

517. - I'm not going out there... - Wait, wait, Del. But I— I—

518. until this gets taken down.

519. I— I need you today. Our new decoy did not show.

520. This is on our website.

521. Let me see, don't do this to me—

522. 'Cause we need you to bind up.

523. Hi.

524. Whoa. Who the fuck are you?

525. Oh. Oh, hi.

526. - You're Andie? - Hi.

527. - I'm Dan. - What are you wearing?

528. - What are you wearing? - I, uh—

529. - You need to change. - Bogey.

530. Yo, Crazy Frog is here.

531. Uh, graphic tee and swim trunks.

532. Okay, come on.

533. Okay, Dan.

534. So you are playing a 13-year-old named Peter.

535. Peter.

536. And you have been chatting with this man online.

537. - Okay. - And he likes cats.

538. - Cats. - And he has a sweet tooth.

539. All you need to do—

540. Is get him to the kitchen island.

541. - Okay. - And then Chris will

542. come in and you will go out.

543. - Oh, Jesus. - Chris comes in, I go—

544. - Okay, puka shell— - Out. That— that's it.

545. Puka shell. Puka shell. Puka shell.

546. - We're all out. - No puka shell?

547. Okay. Dan, do you understand?

548. Is there maybe time for a rehearsal?

549. We're gonna shoot the rehearsal.

550. Uh...

551. Come in.

552. Peter?

553. Is that you?

554. Hi.

555. Yeah, it's me.

556. You look different.

557. Way different.

558. Maybe.

559. Sorry, I'm sort of nervous.

560. You're even hotter than your pictures.

561. Did you change your hair or something?

562. I've been out in the sun.

563. - That's cool. - Wanna go over here?

564. - Where? - I guess I thought, um,

565. maybe we could hang out in the kitchen.

566. Okay.

567. Do— do you have any water?

568. I'll see what I can do.

569. By the way...

570. I brought something.

571. Oh, yeah?

572. Wow.

573. Okay.

574. Primetime, baby.

575. He did not disappoint.

576. What's going on here?

577. Why don't you have a seat right there?

578. Wanna explain yourself?

579. Running around, looking for a cat,

580. spraying whipped cream all over yourself.

581. What's going on in your mind?

582. What would've happened

583. if I wasn't here?

584. Something would've happened.

585. Something like?

586. Something along sexual lines.

587. Crazy Frog.

588. Something like

589. you would've had sex with an underage teen?

590. Okay. I don't know if we would've done that.

591. Sir, your penis is already out.

592. Hey.

593. Hey.

594. You were amazing.

595. Oh, thanks.

596. You're a movie star.

597. - Thank you. - Yeah.

598. You are a natural.

599. - Okay. - Yeah.

600. Amazing.

601. Thank you.

602. I get stress migraines. I don't know if you do.

603. Maybe. Maybe.

604. Thank you.

605. You were so good.

606. - Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

607. - Thanks. - Yeah.

608. I mean it.

609. - Yeah. - Yeah.

610. - We're doing a story... - Yeah.

611. on adults

612. who try to meet young teens online.

613. It's okay. It's okay.

614. It happens to us all.

615. Obviously, you're free to go,

616. but please take the cream.

617. I like this new decoy.

618. Didn't freeze up like the last one.

619. Yeah. I think he might walk.

620. Oh, goddamn it, Andie. Not again.

621. Well— I— I need that one.

622. He's perfect for Jersey Shore.

623. Um... I agree, but for his first time, that was a lot,

624. and if we do have to inform the network,

625. the optics are really not good.

626. So can you talk to him?

627. What? No. I have somewhere to be.

628. Uh, in Fort Myers? Where?

629. I have a life, Andie.

630. Okay. Uh, can you talk to him first?

631. I think that reassurance coming from you,

632. maybe at the hotel bar, maybe a nice Macallan,

633. and maybe you expense it. Maybe I don't tell.

634. Dan Plum.

635. Chris Hansen.

636. How're you doing?

637. I'm okay.

638. It's a big day.

639. Do you want some wine, Dan?

640. Uh. Bud Light?

641. Bud Light would be nice.

642. Relax, it's on NBC.

643. B— Budweiser, then.

644. Macallan, neat.

645. How long you been acting, Dan?

646. Uh, four years.

647. Four years professionally,

648. but I've— I've dreamt of it my entire life.

649. Um, musical theater mainly.

650. Uh.

651. Different world.

652. I hate feeling like I'm not up to the task.

653. It— it matters a lot to me to— to do a good job.

654. Look...

655. what were you hoping

656. to achieve from this experience?

657. Uh, something for my reel.

658. More than that um, a credit.

659. - Mm-hmm. - That would be

660. really helpful for getting my union card

661. and representation.

662. Thank you.

663. Dan.

664. Do you know what your credit is on this show?

665. Peter?

666. Peter?

667. Uh, my character from today?

668. No.

669. No.

670. Superhero.

671. That's your credit.

672. Dan, what, what you're doing is more than acting.

673. It's much more.

674. You're— you're here with us, and you're—

675. you're saving children.

676. Yeah.

677. Dan.

678. Daniel.

679. Dan.

680. Danny. Danny, uh, Decoy Dan.

681. - Decoy Dan? - Decoy Dan.

682. - Decoy Dan. - Decoy Dan.

683. That's your credit.

684. Decoy Dan.

685. Decoy Dan.

686. You remind me of my son, but uh, older.

687. Oh.

688. Thanks.

689. Oh, uh...

690. the uh, respectful?

691. Close.

692. Reverent.

693. Reverent.

694. I knew you were a Boy Scout.

695. How long did you do it for?

696. Maybe like two years or something like that.

697. It's a sign of strong character.

698. Goodnight.

699. Sorry, can I just ask, is that an acting totem?

700. What? Your bracelet.

701. Is it—

702. Nothing I do is acting, Dan.

703. - Right. I— - Got it in India, 1996.

704. I was doing a story on child slave labor.

705. It won an Emmy.

706. Predatorhas never earned an Emmy,

707. nor any of the serious recognition it deserves.

708. But I think that's all about to change.

709. All right. All right.

710. All right.

711. I'll see you tomorrow.

712. See you tomorrow.

713. Okay.

714. One down.

715. Hello?

716. Oh, hey, Andie.

717. This is Patty Patterson from ABC.

718. Sorry, am I interrupting something?

719. No.

720. I don't think we've met, but—

721. Oh, uh, we have, actually.

722. The Murrow Awards last year.

723. Right. Ugh, my brain.

724. Anyway, we wanted to congratulate you

725. on the new time slot.

726. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

727. I saw Jeff just pitched it to the ad men.

728. Not— not sure if you're aware,

729. but we've been working on a show

730. for the same night.

731. Uh-huh.

732. And we have been so impressed

733. by your work onPredator,

734. we would love to pick your brain.

735. I was wondering if you'd be free

736. for a drink or a—

737. You know what's better than a drink?

738. A sushi roll.

739. Well, that's not possible.

740. I'm— I'm shooting in Fort Myers.

741. That is crazy.

742. I will be in Florida tomorrow.

743. Uh, not tomorrow?

744. Yeah, sounds great.

745. So I'll see you tomorrow evening.

746. Evening? Uh, hey, okay.

747. Look, I don't mean to upset you, Kristyn,

748. but we can still have a nice dinner as friends.

749. Like...

750. Friends?

751. Hmm.

752. So none of this meant anything to you?

753. Not nothing, no.

754. Uh, Kristyn, I— I— I want to be a part of your life.

755. I do. I truly do, but I can only participate in,

756. uh, obfuscated ways at a distance, you know?

757. But uh...

758. Kristyn, come on.

759. Can I tempt you two with something sweet?

760. Oh my God, you're Chris Hansen.

761. - I'm a huge fan of your show. - Uh.

762. But, I don't want to be in it, but uh—

763. Do— did— did you want anything for dessert?

764. Do you have any cookies?

765. I— I can definitely ask the chef.

766. No, I'm just— just kidding around.

767. Just never mind.

768. No, it was a joke.

769. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah.

770. Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Hansen.

771. Thank you so much.

772. Come on. Look, I have...

773. I have a lot on the line right now.

774. I love my wife.

775. We don't need to make a scene, okay?

776. We don't need to make a scene.

777. Happy face. Happy.

778. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

779. I'm gonna do everything

780. in my power to make this right,

781. I swear to God.

782. Like I said, okay?

783. Okay. Just shh.

784. Shh.

785. Let me— let me get you a cab.

786. Oh. Oh, God.

787. Come on. Let's go.

788. Okay. Okay.

789. Who is it? It's me. Can I come in?

790. - One sec. - Verification call.

791. Check it out.

792. Hey, man.

793. Hey. There you are.

794. I told you I was real.

795. I like real.

796. What do you think we should do next Monday?

797. I don't know.

798. Um, probably be shooting some hoops or something,

799. so if you wanna shower together,

800. that might be nice.

801. Yeah. I can't wait for, uh, the adventure.

802. Cool. It's the uh, last house at the end of the cul-de-sac.

803. You can't miss it. It's boring like the other ones.

804. Well, I can't wait.

805. Cool. Oh, don't forget the weed.

806. Oh, yeah.

807. It's gonna be great. Cool.

808. All right. Later. Bye.

809. Bye.

810. You have to smile,

811. so they can hear it in your voice.

812. Yeah, cool.

813. Thanks.

814. Look, if this is something you really wanna do,

815. you can't treat it like an acting gig, you know?

816. The last decoy made it an episode and a half.

817. Saw a predator who looked like his dad and walked off.

818. You have to find ways to protect yourself.

819. Yeah.

820. Thanks.

821. See you tomorrow.

822. Don't be late.

823. - Hey. - Hey.

824. Come right in, bro. I'm baking cookies.

825. "Come right in, bro."

826. Love your house.

827. "Hey, come right in, bro. I'm baking cookies."

828. "Hey, come right in, bro.

829. I'm baking, I'm baking cookies."

830. Hey, come on in.

831. There's sweet tea on the table.

832. Hey, come on in.

833. There's sweet tea on the table.

834. Did you bring any of that stuff

835. we talked about?

836. Hey, Marco.

837. Did you bring the stuff we talked about?

838. This your house?

839. Uh, well, technically, my mommy and daddy's house.

840. Hey, just hopped out of the shower.

841. Just put a pizza in the oven.

842. Just picture me naked and come on in.

843. I could figure something out.

844. Well, what about a root beer float?

845. - Ooh. - I'll do that.

846. Don't go anywhere.

847. Oh, they're gonna love it.

848. They're gonna love this.

849. How you doing, Stanley?

850. Are you Jeremy?

851. Jeremy's talented tongue?

852. You nervous? That's okay. Me too.

853. What did you think you—

854. Sorry, sorry.

855. Decoy Dan.

856. Yo, Christopher, I need to talk to you.

857. Fat fucking tuna on the hook.

858. Oh, really?

859. Look, come here.

860. Close the door.

861. - Hey. Knock, knock. - Uh, what?

862. - No, no, no. - What's shaking?

863. It's okay. We're just having a...

864. Okay.

865. So we got a fan letter from some flatfoot cop.

866. "Dear Chris Hansen and the good men

867. of the National Broadcasting Corporation."

868. " My name is Michael Chachere."

869. Headquarters, be advised,

870. I locked myself out the unit.

871. "I write to you today to thank you from the bottom

872. of my heart for promoting goodness

873. in this troubled world we live in."

874. Yeah, I'll get the Jared special.

875. "I also want to thank you for promoting respect

876. for law enforcement in your programming.

877. "What this world needs, in my opinion,

878. is a good, hard look in the mirror."

879. We were just talking.

880. "But what is that, but your show?"

881. Sorry.

882. I didn't— I swear I didn't know.

883. "Should you ever find yourself down in Murphy, Texas,

884. please know that you have a friendly face

885. here in our precinct."

886. "In our precinct. Best regards, Michael."

887. Michael Chachere.

888. Chief, this could only look good for election season.

889. What's the name of that program?

890. How to Catch a Predator.

891. Predator?

892. Anyhow. They tried to get in touch with Andie,

893. but when they couldn't, they reached out to me.

894. Uh-uh, I have no missed calls.

895. Whatever. They want us to come shoot in their town,

896. so I start to trawl the area, and it's the same old shit.

897. Factory worker, plumber, loser. Boring.

898. But— but then I catch something

899. that's like nothing

900. I've ever seen.

901. This fish comes along, takes a bite,

902. and then boom, vanishes.

903. He comes back, bites again.

904. But then, poof, gone.

905. I never lose these guys,

906. because they are usually fucking idiots,

907. but this is not your average pedo.

908. He was careful not to give anything away, but boy,

909. did he love to chat.

910. We battled.

911. I tried every trick in the book, Chris.

912. I was reeling him in for hours,

913. but he wouldn't take the bait.

914. I was ready to give up, but then he slipped.

915. A wake in Denton, Texas.

916. So I did some digging.

917. Ah.

918. The only one I could find was a private event

919. for government associates of a dead senator.

920. of a dead senator.

921. The most important suits in Texas.

922. Chris, we've never caught a government operative before,

923. a man on the inside.

924. This, this is it.

925. This guy's got to be CIA, NSA

926. or he is at the highest levels of government.

927. I mean, what are we talking about here?

928. Are we talking about a mayor or a congressman or are we—

929. are we talking about the president?

930. - So Chris— - Hmm.

931. We already have our schedule for the coming months,

932. and the Jersey Shore is after this.

933. Uh, that is a priority for the network.

934. I have a feeling about this guy, Chris.

935. I really do.

936. No. It's not enough information to act.

937. She's right.

938. Keep looking and let me know if you have something more.

939. I like it, psychic ability.

940. Nice work.

941. - Good producing. - Tell me about it.

942. Fucking bitch.

943. Could you show me the last couple of clips?

944. Excuse me. Uh, T minus 10 minutes.

945. Can you bring up the last couple of clips we shot?

946. Oh, they were good.

947. Well, I wa— I'm thinking of trying something new.

948. - I wanna see what I did. - They were good.

949. "You just have to be very clean in your ass."

950. Mm-hmm.

951. Your ass?

952. I think that's too far.

953. Uh, stick to the suck and be sucked stuff.

954. - Okay. - Yeah.

955. Okay. Thank you.

956. God, this is insane.

957. - Chris Hansen. - Hi, Chris.

958. This is Brett Karinsky from theNational Enquirer.

959. - Uh-huh. - We just wanted

960. to give you the opportunity

961. to comment before we run a story about you next week.

962. Uh, and what is the story about?

963. A young woman

964. and your extramarital activities.

965. - Does that ring a bell? - Uh.

966. - If I call NBC— - Uh.

967. What would they say about this?

968. America's favorite pervert catcher

969. sticking fingers where fingers shouldn't be stuck.

970. No.

971. Uh.

972. Hello?

973. Hi, Mary. Chris Hansen.

974. Yes, honey. I know.

975. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Um—

976. Hey, hey, Dad.

977. Hi, boys. Yeah. Hey, Dad.

978. Yeah, I was just calling to uh, talk to you

979. and um, just calling to talk to the boys.

980. Are you gonna come to my baseball game?

981. I'm just in here.

982. Hey.

983. Hi.

984. Trouble finding the place?

985. Not really.

986. Oh, shoot.

987. Spilled soda on my shirt.

988. I'm gonna go change.

989. Be back in a sec.

990. I've been chatting with him online

991. for a month now.

992. He's fucking heinous.

993. How'd it look?

994. You were great.

995. If you guys get me the logs in

996. more advance next time,

997. I could use all of that stuff.

998. I could— I could've kept him in there for 20 minutes.

999. Daniel. Dan, enough.

1000. Actually, do you have a Diet Coke?

1001. Is Pepsi okay?

1002. Why don't you have a seat right there?

1003. Why don't you have a seat?

1004. What are you doing here?

1005. Sit down.

1006. Sit down!

1007. What are you doing here?

1008. Nothing good.

1009. What do you do for a living?

1010. I'm a rabbi.

1011. "I like sucking

1012. - and being sucked." - He's off.

1013. Where's that in the Bible?

1014. The Old Testament or the New Testament?

1015. Look, you're being very hostile to me.

1016. Who gave you permission to do this?

1017. You did this to yourself.

1018. You know you don't have the right to do this.

1019. Who do you think you are?

1020. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC,

1021. and we're doing a story on adults

1022. who meet young teens online.

1023. You're doing this for television?

1024. For television?

1025. Oh. Get him out.

1026. - There he is. - Get him out of here!

1027. There he is. Oh, oh, fuck.

1028. Get— fuck.

1029. Oh, that's amazing.

1030. That is amazing.

1031. - It's gorgeous. - Yeah.

1032. Hey, hey, hey.

1033. He's not a leper.

1034. He just touched you.

1035. Doesn't that disgust you?

1036. Yeah.

1037. Why do you do this, Andie?

1038. 'Cause we're gonna be the number one show on TV.

1039. Yeah?

1040. We're gonna be the number one show on TV.

1041. Ooh.

1042. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

1043. Number one show on TV.

1044. I don't mean to sound harsh...

1045. but if you had children,

1046. you would understand.

1047. Picture this.

1048. You're in an IHOP eating alone,

1049. and you notice a girl kinda hunched over,

1050. and the mother is berating her for overeating pancakes.

1051. She says, "You don't wanna be a fat pig."

1052. And you— you think to yourself,

1053. "Oh God, this is pretty wrong."

1054. And then the mother gets louder, more insulting,

1055. and then finally the girl starts crying.

1056. What would you do?

1057. Um,

1058. I might hand the daughter the number to social services

1059. and tell her to eat whatever she likes.

1060. And

1061. then I might try to hurt the mother in some way.

1062. Not physically, but um—

1063. Honey, that's the name of the show,

1064. What Would You Do?

1065. Oh.

1066. It's a—

1067. It's a hidden, it's a hidden camera show.

1068. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, where we put

1069. strangers in social situations,

1070. but it's feel-good.

1071. Do you know John Quinones?

1072. Hi, sir. I'm John Quinones.

1073. I'm John Quinones.

1074. Shut it up.

1075. He's incredible. He wants you.

1076. Oh.

1077. Well, I'm flattered obviously.

1078. Um, I don't think I'm the kind of producer

1079. that does well with feel-good stuff,

1080. and I also don't think

1081. I'm the kind of producer that has a lot of respect

1082. for people who wanna steal my show.

1083. Okay. Okay. Great.

1084. Look, I dominated a— a— a— a lot of space

1085. at this network. I— I'd say the majority of shows

1086. that have been successful in the last 10 years

1087. I've had a hand in.

1088. I know the feeling, and I know that you think

1089. you're just walking the same path,

1090. but Chris is not the guy to hold hands with.

1091. He is not that guy.

1092. You know, I met Chris once,

1093. and it's weird, he didn't even mention you.

1094. Makes me question if he understands

1095. what you're worth.

1096. I just wanna protect you, you know?

1097. Chris Hansen.

1098. Hey, Chris.

1099. Hi, Jeff.

1100. Do me a favor.

1101. Hmm.

1102. Go to your TV.

1103. Turn on ABC.

1104. Mmm-hmm.

1105. Tell me what you see.

1106. Lost.

1107. It's polar bears.

1108. Yeah. These polar bears

1109. are gonna fucking kill us, Chris.

1110. Uh—

1111. I know people look up to you,

1112. but I'm gonna be frank with you right now.

1113. This new material, it ain't cutting it.

1114. Jeff, we have something very special on the line.

1115. A real "man on the inside" kind of story.

1116. Wait, wh— what? Stone's here?

1117. All right. Just tell him I'll be right there.

1118. Hey, sorry Chris, I gotta run.

1119. Xavier.

1120. - Fuck. - Xavier.

1121. Shit.

1122. Did you find him?

1123. What?

1124. The fish. Did you find him?

1125. - The— the fish? - The fish, in the CIA.

1126. Come in. Fuck.

1127. Give me a second here.

1128. Andie's been so up my

1129. fucking ass. I've been trawling balls deep all day.

1130. Who is he?

1131. So I had him on the hook, right?

1132. But every time I tried to track him, okay,

1133. I kept getting blocked.

1134. Xavier, I need you to guarantee

1135. that he has to be extremely, extremely important.

1136. A hundred percent. This is big.

1137. The biggest.

1138. A whale.

1139. You think it's a whale?

1140. A whale, definitely.

1141. Okay. Okay.

1142. These are the chats.

1143. How can we catch him?

1144. We have to go there and be the bait,

1145. because I can tell you one thing,

1146. he's not coming to the fucking Jersey Shore.

1147. You can't go over my head to relocate shoots, Chris.

1148. Do you realize what that communicates to the network?

1149. It makes me look like I don't know what I am doing.

1150. We had a full docket of guys coming to the Jersey Shore.

1151. The flight is now boarding.

1152. We have no plan.

1153. We are chasing a man without a name.

1154. Guys, the—

1155. sorry to interrupt.

1156. Uh, does the show cover snacks for the flight?

1157. I'd love to grab some gum

1158. if it's not too much of a thing.

1159. Yeah?

1160. Sorry. Thanks, thank you.

1161. Saddam Hussein's verdict

1162. speeds through deliberation.

1163. Political leaders urge for calm in the streets

1164. as Saddam prepares to get what he deserves.

1165. An open-ended curfew...

1166. What's going on with you?

1167. I need to do something big.

1168. Bigger than Lost.

1169. I'm Stone Phillips

1170. and this is Dateline NBC.

1171. In Murphy,

1172. we got more firepower than Satan himself.

1173. M4 carbine,

1174. H&K MP5,

1175. grenade launcher, you name it.

1176. Many of us here served together during Desert Storm.

1177. I can assure you, Mr. Hansen,

1178. you're not gonna find

1179. a police force with more oomph.

1180. And after this show airs on Wednesday night,

1181. no pervert will dare set foot in Murphy again.

1182. After we're done,

1183. this will be the safest town in America.

1184. Now let's have some barbecue.

1185. Chief Gunn?

1186. It's nice to put the face with the face.

1187. I gotta tell you, hoss, they don't wanna give us funding.

1188. That's awful. And this is

1189. really, really gonna help us out a lot.

1190. Thank you so, so much.

1191. - What's your name, hoss? - This is my team.

1192. Xavier Von Erck.

1193. - Xavier. - Yes.

1194. All right. Are you not hot, hoss?

1195. - No, no. - Xavier's the reason

1196. we're all here. This is Dan Plum.

1197. He is one of our operatives.

1198. - Dan Plum. Actor. - Del Harvey. It's an honor.

1199. All right. Honor's all mine.

1200. Now what does that mean, "Nin"?

1201. Uh, it's an industrial metal group,

1202. uh, called, "Nine Inch Nails".

1203. Gator, bring the cuffs.

1204. She's got nine-inch nails on her.

1205. Yeah, that's right.

1206. And hi, I am Andie Bender.

1207. - Andie Bender. - I am a producer,

1208. and it's so wonderful to be here.

1209. - Nice to meet you. - I'm so excited.

1210. I really wanna check out your equipment here.

1211. Well, come on, hoss. Let me show you how this works.

1212. I'd love to meet— kind of meet in private.

1213. I mean, this is really sort of my operation.

1214. Sure. So it'd be really good

1215. to sort of coordinate our efforts.

1216. Yeah, let's coordinate.

1217. So you can sound like a little boy.

1218. Or a little girl.

1219. It depends on what they want me to be.

1220. I'm kind of a mirror to reflect back at them

1221. what they want.

1222. I'm Chris Hansen—

1223. With Dateline NBC, and we're doing a story

1224. on adults who like to meet young teens online.

1225. And next week,

1226. thePredator team is in Fort Myers, Florida.

1227. While you may have thought the stories

1228. this week were unusual.

1229. The story of the man you'll meet next week...

1230. - Peter? - ... is

1231. downright bizarre.

1232. I guess I thought maybe we could hang out in the kitchen.

1233. This potential predator walks into the house...

1234. I brought something.

1235. Oh, yeah? Takes off his clothes

1236. and whips out a common dessert ingredient,

1237. much to the surprise of our decoy...

1238. What's going on here?

1239. who, after this episode,

1240. may never order a hot fudge sundae again.

1241. Yeah! Whoo!

1242. Cheers, buddy. Cherry popped, baby.

1243. Yeah!

1244. - Yeah! - Whoo!

1245. Hello?

1246. Hey. What's up?

1247. I'm— I'm naked.

1248. We met on TV.

1249. I'm that pervert that showed you,

1250. showed you my penis.

1251. And now I'm in prison.

1252. Please let me out.

1253. Dude, it's me. It's Troy.

1254. Don't worry.

1255. You saw my teaser?

1256. Me and Amanda, and fucking Sobo

1257. and Christian, Rajiv, we're all freaking partying.

1258. We just watched it, man.

1259. W— what'd you think? Did you think I was good?

1260. I mean,

1261. yeah, it doesn't matter, right?

1262. What do you mean it doesn't matter?

1263. What kind of answer is that?

1264. Dude, I mean, like,

1265. here's the thing is that you were only on screen

1266. for like, 0.1 seconds.

1267. Being all scared of a predator.

1268. Yeah, that's the character. That— that's the point.

1269. As your friend, I'm proud,

1270. but if I was a random viewer,

1271. I would think absolutely 0.0% about you.

1272. I mean, dude, here's the thing.

1273. You were on TV.

1274. I wish I was on TV.

1275. That would be amazing.

1276. Maybe you're not on TV, 'cause you're a bad actor.

1277. What'd you say?

1278. I know you don't mean that shit, dude—

1279. Hi, you've reached the Hansens.

1280. We're so sorry we can't come to the phone right now,

1281. but please leave a message...

1282. And we hope you have a wonderful day.

1283. Sorry.

1284. Try not to be afraid of the ball.

1285. It's weird seeing myself on TV.

1286. I think also my— my friends don't really understand.

1287. Sorry.

1288. I can get it.

1289. It's all right.

1290. My friends don't really understand

1291. what I'm doing here.

1292. How could they understand, Dan?

1293. Here.

1294. I want you to have this.

1295. I think it's a little big.

1296. You'll grow into it.

1297. Close your eyes.

1298. It's 1996.

1299. You're inPandalam.

1300. It's in India.

1301. At a cottage bar.

1302. A few drinks in, a local approaches you

1303. and asks if you're covering missing children.

1304. You don't know what he's talking about,

1305. so he tells you.

1306. All across the southern state of India,

1307. children are disappearing at night.

1308. It's clinical.

1309. No village ever hit twice.

1310. Nadip?

1311. No suspects.

1312. Nadip?

1313. So the villagers start turning on each other,

1314. and the lynching begins.

1315. In the surrounding jungle,

1316. they find the children in bits.

1317. Chris, can I open my eyes now?

1318. No, not yet.

1319. The authorities

1320. said it was wolves.

1321. But I found a witness.

1322. The young girl who gave me that bracelet,

1323. she told me what she saw.

1324. A darkness

1325. that cannot be understood.

1326. Nadip?

1327. That exists outside of time and space.

1328. Not a man,

1329. a monster.

1330. No one believed this girl,

1331. but I did.

1332. So you can tell your friends

1333. that is what we're doing.

1334. We're cleansing the world of an ancient evil,

1335. and that evil waits for us in Murphy.

1336. The whale?

1337. The whale.

1338. And he's an Indian guy?

1339. Chris Hansen.

1340. Chris. He messaged me, Chris.

1341. He's coming.

1342. We've gotta move.

1343. "Are you playing with it?

1344. "Masturbated today?

1345. "Have you masturbated today?

1346. "Have you masturbated?"

1347. Who— who called you all?

1348. Xavier.

1349. Look, I know that, that we were set to go tomorrow,

1350. - and the bogey's coming now— - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1351. But listen, my hands are tied. I've got four Sonys

1352. - in the living room and I— - Uh-huh, yeah.

1353. Three Sonys. Goddamn it.

1354. Uh, get what you can how you can.

1355. Uh, you two, I need you both on keyboards and anyone

1356. that you had coming tomorrow, get them here tonight.

1357. T-minus, five minutes. Everybody in position.

1358. Brace yourselves.

1359. We have to go.

1360. Hey, is this him?

1361. Is this the whale?

1362. Need to know basis, Andie.

1363. Yeah, I need to know.

1364. Are you playing with it?

1365. Have you masturbated today?

1366. Masturbated today?

1367. Is your dick out?

1368. Do you like to kiss? Cuddle?

1369. Do you like to kiss?

1370. I know you're coming.

1371. Enhance the car.

1372. Enhance.

1373. Frag, tell the cops to get in position.

1374. Got it.

1375. Fuck, it's fucking grainy.

1376. He's not getting out.

1377. Are they in or did they get out?

1378. You have

1379. one new message.

1380. Hey, Chris.

1381. I'm getting the feeling you're ignoring me.

1382. Listen here, champ,

1383. I need sources, and you're not giving me a lot of options.

1384. You don't give me a comment,

1385. I'm gonna get to everyone in your life.

1386. Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

1387. What the fuck is he doing?

1388. What's he doing?

1389. Does anybody hear me? I don't understand.

1390. Could you stop being in my face?

1391. Do you know how much money

1392. this is costing every fucking second?

1393. You don't, because I do the budget.

1394. You don't do my job,

1395. I do my—

1396. What happened?

1397. It's empty.

1398. What do you mean?

1399. The car drove itself?

1400. What the fuck?

1401. What?

1402. Um, guys, they know we're here.

1403. How the hell is this possible?

1404. Hackers.

1405. That doesn't make fucking sense.

1406. We're dealing with forces beyond our control here, Harv.

1407. Okay, okay. We need to change houses.

1408. Okay.

1409. Chris,

1410. we need to change houses.

1411. We're not leaving.

1412. Well, Chris, no one will come to this house

1413. if they know that we are here,

1414. and we are also over a 100K in the hole.

1415. It's not about money for me.

1416. It's— it is about money.

1417. What are you doing? Where are we going?

1418. What are you doing?

1419. Chris.

1420. I'm not leaving till the whale comes.

1421. No, no.

1422. Wait. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

1423. Chris.

1424. We're not leaving.

1425. I swear to fucking God that if you do not get

1426. your shit together,

1427. I will call the network, motherfucker.

1428. Hey, can you hear me?

1429. - Yeah. - Do you understand

1430. what I am saying to you?

1431. I am pulling the plug.

1432. The whale is coming.

1433. WRESTLINGDUDEEASTTEXAS didn't get the memo.

1434. He's pulling up right now.

1435. Chris! The whale.

1436. - Get up! - There's no show

1437. - without the whale. - Chris!

1438. Jesus fucking Christ.

1439. Hey, come on in.

1440. You come here.

1441. No, you come here!

1442. I'm just in here.

1443. Pretty nice place you got here.

1444. Yeah.

1445. So what's up?

1446. Nothing.

1447. Did you bring the razors?

1448. Sure did.

1449. What did you wanna do with them?

1450. I was kinda confused.

1451. Oh.

1452. I'll show you later.

1453. You probably go to a lot of boys' homes, huh?

1454. Nah.

1455. Don't even get out of the house much.

1456. Barely make it off the computer.,

1457. You all right?

1458. Mmm-hmm.

1459. You said,

1460. "I wish I could hug you."

1461. That'd be nice.

1462. Uh, why— why are you reading that?

1463. Then you said, "Can I be your first at sex?"

1464. I mean, if that's what you wanted to do.

1465. What in the world are you doing here?

1466. I'm just hanging out

1467. with you, man.

1468. Hanging out with a 13-year-old?

1469. Look, I'm just gonna leave.

1470. Well, if you wanna leave, you're free to go,

1471. but before you do, you should know I'm not 13.

1472. I'm 23.

1473. My real name is Dan Plum, and you're on TV.

1474. Whoa, wait a second.

1475. I don't wanna be on TV.

1476. I'm a professionally-trained actor...

1477. and I'm helping tell a story on bad guys

1478. who try to meet kids online.

1479. And I hope you remember my face as the face...

1480. that you saw when everything changed.

1481. Look, I— I'm just gonna go.

1482. Police Officer don't move!

1483. Get down! Get down!

1484. You know, in the old days

1485. when people would act so depraved,

1486. they'd drag you down to the town square,

1487. tie you to a post,

1488. and whip you for all to see.

1489. There used to be a pillory in every civilized town.

1490. Now there's a television in every home,

1491. and I'm on it.

1492. So are you, Dan.

1493. Hi, Patty. It's Andie.

1494. Um, gosh, I keep asking myself, "What am I doing?"

1495. Which I guess is a variant of what would you do.

1496. So I think that this is a good sign.

1497. Mr. Quinones, I'd be curious about how we mesh.

1498. Um...

1499. And I'm— I'm hoping you know,

1500. if he really is a— a nice guy,

1501. hey, maybe it'll rub off on me.

1502. The Enquirer is gonna release a story about me.

1503. I'm not worried.

1504. I can fix this.

1505. We just need to get him.

1506. How old is she?

1507. She's 30, Andie.

1508. Bravo.

1509. We can't let him get away.

1510. All I need is for you to believe.

1511. I'm done.

1512. Andie, the whale is coming.

1513. Chris, Chris, Chris!

1514. He's back, and he sent photos!

1515. Don't think that's him.

1516. I think it's pulled from some A&M bio major's profile.

1517. He's randy.

1518. He's given us more in a night than he has in a week.

1519. It's right here.

1520. Come on.

1521. Fuck.

1522. Come on.

1523. Holy fuck!

1524. He couldn't resist me.

1525. Look it up!

1526. Who are you?

1527. Hello,

1528. you've reached District Attorney

1529. Bill Conradt's landline.

1530. If you voted for me for county judge, thank you.

1531. Hey, Will. It's Luke.

1532. Why don't you pick up and we could talk more?

1533. I'm in town for one more day...

1534. Morning, Lewis. to see my aunt.

1535. Hi, Jerry. And um,

1536. she's gonna be gone for the night.

1537. - Morning. - So try me back.

1538. Hey, Cortland.

1539. Hey, Mr. Conradt.

1540. Good morning. It is.

1541. I still got that bourbon.

1542. You know where to find me.

1543. Mmm, I do.

1544. Now, as a district attorney,

1545. I've seen all sorts of horrible behavior,

1546. and I understand how people can see criminals

1547. as other than human.

1548. Despite the child endangerment we have substantiated,

1549. the defendant here is not a monster.

1550. He's a man.

1551. But he has brought a disease to our community,

1552. and by putting this man away we send a message,

1553. a message that we like our slice of Texas just how it is,

1554. and we intend to keep it that way.

1555. "Could I feel your cock?

1556. "How thick are you?

1557. "I like younger.

1558. "Are you gonna fuck me?

1559. "Do I get to fuck you, too?

1560. "Do you like to kiss?

1561. "Cuddle?"

1562. Did you cum a lot when you J slash O question mark?

1563. Fuck! He's back! He's back!

1564. Let's call him, man.

1565. Where's my decoy?

1566. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

1567. That w— that sucked, man. That wasn't cool, man.

1568. Yo, you've reached Troy.

1569. For commercial work, please reach out

1570. - to Sunshine Valley Talent. - Where's my decoy?

1571. For me, just leave a message.

1572. Hey, man.

1573. Um...

1574. Decoy Dan!

1575. Uh.

1576. Decoy Dan!

1577. Hi.

1578. Are you coming over?

1579. I'm uh, thinking about it.

1580. Oh, you haven't left yet?

1581. No.

1582. Well, are you coming over or not?

1583. Well, a little later.

1584. Mmm.

1585. What do you wanna do?

1586. What do you like?

1587. I like musicals.

1588. Maybe we could watch one and hang out.

1589. That would be nice.

1590. Have you ever tried Vegemite?

1591. What's that?

1592. Have you ever been to Australia?

1593. Uh-uh.

1594. Oh, I—

1595. Well, I just uh, I love it.

1596. I've seen the most beautiful things in my life there.

1597. The kangaroos.

1598. Cock.

1599. They're my favorite animals.

1600. That's cool.

1601. Hey, anyway, I get hard like super easy.

1602. Why don't you come over and make it hard?

1603. I uh,

1604. I gotta go.

1605. I worked with that DA for 10 years.

1606. He's met my wife, met my kids.

1607. Christ.

1608. The guy who catches the guys.

1609. That boy-fucking Democrat piece of shit!

1610. I'm gonna gut him.

1611. Form up!

1612. Cortland, I need to see him.

1613. I need to look him in his eyes.

1614. I need to put him on television.

1615. I need to put his head on a stick.

1616. Gator, we need warrants.

1617. - We're going to him? - Yes.

1618. We don't do that. They come to us.

1619. I think we need to— good to stick to protocol.

1620. Ay-yo. All his information's disappearing.

1621. - His MSN, his MySpace. - Protocol.

1622. - Protocol. Protocol. - Andie.

1623. Fuck protocol!

1624. Andie.

1625. But uh, we should really do this, by the book.

1626. By the book—

1627. I need you.

1628. How long's it gonna take?

1629. A week, maybe two.

1630. If we're going up against this man,

1631. we have to dot our I's and cross our t's...

1632. We don't have that kind of time.

1633. While we stand here dawdling,

1634. he will erase his tracks

1635. if we don't get him today,

1636. and then we'll lose him forever.

1637. She's right.

1638. Let's go y'all. Grab everything you need.

1639. Good evening.

1640. Go, go, go, go!

1641. We have not just gathered as law enforcement...

1642. Form up!

1643. Let's harpoon that motherfucker.

1644. You're part of a story

1645. much bigger than yourselves.

1646. Remember, we're here to make a statement.

1647. Pedos are not allowed in Texas.

1648. If you see the camera on you, act natural.

1649. - Yes, sir! - Let's catch us a predator.

1650. Yeah! Hut! Hut!

1651. Mary?

1652. Hello, sir. Thank you for your service. Thank you.

1653. Mary.

1654. Mar— how you doing?

1655. - Thank you. Mary. - Chris.

1656. Mary.

1657. I just received a...

1658. Hello?

1659. Mary, hi.

1660. Hi.

1661. I'm coming home tomorrow.

1662. Yes.

1663. And uh, I'll be there for Thanksgiving.

1664. Chris, they have photos of you...

1665. and some woman.

1666. They're asking me for comment.

1667. What do you suggest I say?

1668. It's a hatchet job. There's a—

1669. they just know I'm gonna be on— on, on national news,

1670. and uh, you know, it's par for the course.

1671. You're gonna be so proud of me, Mary.

1672. I love you, Mary.

1673. Love the boys.

1674. Hey, Chris.

1675. Chris, excuse me. Excuse me.

1676. Mind if we get a photo real quick?

1677. Sure.

1678. Oh, awesome. Thanks, man.

1679. I'm a big fan.

1680. You're doing the Lord's work. You know that, right?

1681. All right. Big smiles.

1682. Big smiles, Melvin. Big smiles.

1683. All right, y'all, we got him trapped like a rat.

1684. Let's get some justice on camera.

1685. I don't think the DA's gonna come out

1686. with all this visible hardware.

1687. So then how am I gonna get my interview?

1688. I can have a tac team make a forced entry...

1689. it's y'all's call on that one.

1690. If we do that, I want cameras on your guns.

1691. I don't even know if that's possible.

1692. Let's make it possible.

1693. Mitchell, cameras on guns!

1694. I mean, how am I gonna get my fucking interview?

1695. Patty, hi.

1696. Finally got that offer written up for you.

1697. Sorry, I can't hear you that well.

1698. Oh, we are so, so excited—

1699. - Yeah. - That you're

1700. - coming to the cool network. - I was thinking about it

1701. and uh...

1702. I don't want to.

1703. Sorry? What do you mean?

1704. No, I don't want to.

1705. Oh God, Andie.

1706. I stuck my neck out for you.

1707. Well, I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

1708. Why don't you take a week

1709. - to think about it? - No.

1710. I think you're making a big mista—

1711. I just need you to talk to him.

1712. Get him outside.

1713. I'll get the interview,

1714. and you'll be a part of television history.

1715. I can't go out there.

1716. You're either with me or you're with him.

1717. I don't wanna be a bad person.

1718. Son...

1719. your definition of bad and my definition of bad

1720. are vastly different.

1721. Moving in now.

1722. Showtime.

1723. Let's go. Let's go.

1724. Whoa! Whoa!

1725. Cameras!

1726. Will?

1727. I know you're in there.

1728. Just come outside.

1729. It'll be safer if you come outside.

1730. I just,

1731. I just wanted to watch musicals with you.

1732. Yeah, I know.

1733. Which one was it again?

1734. Rent.

1735. I think I'm in the minority of people who actually think

1736. the film is better than the stage production.

1737. That's funny.

1738. All cameras are recording.

1739. Hold your positions.

1740. Shit!

1741. 10-56, over.

1742. Fire patrol's on the way.

1743. Confirming we have

1744. a civilian casualty.

1745. I think I can make this work.

1746. Medics, two minutes out.

1747. Find some police to interview.

1748. I like younger.

1749. Do you have your dick out?

1750. Are you playing with it?

1751. Do you have your dick out? Are you playing with it?

1752. Have you masturbated today?

1753. Do you like to kiss, cuddle?

1754. Can I feel your cock?

1755. How thick are you?

1756. Are you gonna fuck me?

1757. Do I get to fuck you, too?

1758. Do you have your dick out?

1759. Are you playing with it?

1760. Have you masturbated today?

1761. Do you like to kiss, cuddle?

1762. What would have happened if I wasn't here?

1763. Hey. Sorry.

1764. Are you uh, you Daniel Plum?

1765. Mmm-hmm. Oh, man,

1766. I think I have your mail.

1767. Yeah, I'm, uh, 202 and a half, not 202 and a quarter.

1768. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you.

1769. No worries. No worries. There you go.

1770. - Thank you. - You know,

1771. at this point, I swear you should just like,

1772. put my name down on the mail, 'cause the last three tenants

1773. who have lived here, I've gotten all of their mail.

1774. - Huh. - It's insane, dude.

1775. - Okay. - It's like no matter

1776. what I do, I cannot get them to stop putting it in my box,

1777. and it says 202 and a quarter, and they're still doing it.

1778. - You know what I mean? - Right. Thanks.

1779. Oh, you know what? I have another package.

1780. I'll grab it for you, okay?

1781. All right, brother man.

1782. There you go.

1783. Overnight priority, Mr. Fancy Pants.

1784. Hey, what's in the box?

1785. What's in the box?

1786. Oh, shit. Are you an actor?

1787. You uh... you an actor?