Premature (2014)

1. All right, so here's how you can tell, in order of weirdness, that this is a dream.

2. First off, I'm having sex.

3. Second, I'm on a heart-shaped bed with red rubber sheets.

4. Nice. Are those beakers?

5. Yep, I'm in my chemistry class. That's third.

6. And this woman is just perfect. I mean, look at her.

7. Those eyes... those lips...

8. Those three tits.

9. I would tell you the fifth, but this is about the time where I...

10. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

11. It's okay. She's in the laundry room. Sit down.

12. I should probably be going to school, so...

13. We both know how important today's interview is.

14. Dad, I really don't need another pep talk.

15. When you were benched in little league and your team played with eight players,

16. I said nothing. When you were bullied by Sally Levinson...

17. I said nothing.

18. When you lost the class presidency to a raccoon...

19. He was the school mascot.

20. I said nothing.

21. But this is too important to me to just sit idly by and say nothing.

22. - So, come on. Please. - Okay. Fine.

23. I want you to wear this during the interview.

24. This is my old headband from when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

25. But... I don't row crew.

26. Oh, God. This smells like crotch.

27. That's the smell of a champion.

28. Today you have a huge opportunity.

29. Today you'll make me proud.

30. It would save me time if I would just put down newspaper on his... bed.

31. Cute dress!

32. Hello, Lisa.

33. Why is he near us?

34. Have a good day at school.

35. Rob! Yo, Rob!

36. Ah!

37. Oh.

38. - Hey, are you okay? - Shh.

39. So, I'm about to blow my load when Lisa says, "wait."

40. She then stands up, gets dressed, turns to me and says,

41. "Okay. Come now."

42. And boom. I came.

43. - Huh. - How does a high school chick

44. learn mind control like that?

45. Maybe some sort of magnet school for the sexually advanced?

46. You're gonna love sex. It's like jerking off with the best sock on the planet.

47. - Wait. - What?

48. Why are you dressed like Ellen Degeneres?

49. I have my interview today.

50. I'm not dressed like Ellen.

51. So, what are you gonna do if you don't get in?

52. Hey. No. Shut up, okay?

53. I have to get in. Don't jinx me.

54. So I'll kill a chicken. Relax.

55. Hey, man. You want to come over tonight?

56. I'm playing "grand theft auto" online with that kid from the Balkans.

57. You know, he sent me this fucked-up YouTube clip.

58. Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts so hard he shit himself and came.

59. Wow, uh, as much as I'd love to see that, Gabrielle and I are

60. - watching the spelling bee tonight. - Hi, guys.

61. - The dork super bowl? - No, dude, it's, like,

62. trembling kids, terrified of disappointing their watching parents.

63. I mean, it's like watching televised child abuse. It's fucking awesome.

64. They don't get punched, but they do shit themselves.

65. - Huh. - And a good morning to you both.

66. - Hey, Gabs. - Thanks.

67. - Arthur. - What time you flying out, Artie?

68. Funny, Stanley. Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

69. So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is today.

70. Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

71. Want me to put in a good word? They've been on my jock about going there full ride...

72. - since I was in middle school. - Really? Since middle school?

73. It's a lot of pressure for a 7-year-old.

74. - Good morning. - Morning, Mr. Hughes.

75. Arthur, I thought you were going to be here early.

76. Excuse me for a second.

77. Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes. I have your lesson plan,

78. but what I don't have is my money.

79. - It's in my classroom. - Then let's go.

80. I'm sorry, guys. I have to handle this.

81. And, Rob, feel free to drop my name in the interview.

82. I can't believe your pre-pub neighbor sells homework to teachers.

83. Yeah, and how is he so confident?

84. He has one eyebrow and it's thicker than Sam Elliott's mustache.

85. Aw, he can't help the eyebrow.

86. - He's Armenian. - Yeah, poor kid.

87. Poor kid? No, you should mow that thing. It's embarrassing.

88. Says the guy who has been not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

89. It's an athletic supporter. It rides up sometimes.

90. In his defense, Gabrielle, a little discomfort is far better

91. than getting kicked in he balls every day for a semester.

92. That happened in the 9th grade. It hasn't happened since.

93. It's not something one just forgets, Gabrielle. The 9th grade was my ballocaust.

94. Never again.

95. - I got beer for tonight. You excited? - Oh, sweet. How?

96. Just threw it in the cart at the shop 'n save.

97. My mom thought my dad put it in and my dad thought he put it in,

98. so it worked out perfectly.

99. Hey, so, it is your last chance to change your bet,

100. unless you really think that Mona Panchal will take it all.

101. - Um, some stats... - All right.

102. She is a 13-year-old up-and-comer from Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.

103. She placed 12th two years ago, 5th last year. This is her year.

104. Also, it is too late to change your bets because the first round has started.

105. I'm just really excited for Pongsaklek Wonjongkam to eat Mona for L-U-N-C-H.

106. Right. Is Pongsaklek a boy or a girl?

107. - Yeah, I have no idea. - Exactly.

108. But if it can spell its own name, it can spell anything.

109. So, I was thinking we could drink every time

110. somebody asks for alternate pronunciations.

111. Or... or every time someone asks for alternate pronunciations,

112. - we could cut ourselves. - Yeah, sure.

113. Yo, Rob! Y...

114. Hey! Are you kidding me?

115. You're volleyball players. You don't get to pick on people.

116. Set me.

117. No!

118. Ooh! Damn.

119. It's piss. Those assholes pissed on me.

120. Okay. Well, that'll dry by the interview.

121. - Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake. - I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.

122. Okay, guys, I have my test next period. I got to go. Um...

123. Stanley, go to the lost and found, get Rob a new pair of pants.

124. I won't let you down, buddy. Watch out! Pants emergency!

125. Stay calm. All right? Take a deep breath.

126. Keep the recruiter's face away from your junk.

127. - And it's gonna be great. Okay? - Thanks, Gabs.

128. - Just text me with bee updates, okay? - I will.

129. Okay, these aren't ideal, but they didn't have a lot to choose from.

130. - Are these even men's pants? - Try 'em on. Maybe you'll look fabulous.

131. I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

132. Hey, you know I have a test next period, right?

133. Shh. Are all the people you tutor this self-absorbed?

134. Hey, Artie. Can you help this student, please? Rob's falling apart.

135. I know you have a learning disability, Stanley,

136. but can you grasp the fact that I'm already working with someone?

137. How many people know about your arrangement with Mr. Hughes?

138. And I'm presuming there are others.

139. You slow Goat.

140. Don't shout that witch language at me! I'll burn you at the stake.

141. Move. Go.

142. I know what would help. Okay, take a deep breath.

143. - Okay. I am. - Good.

144. Now go to the bathroom, hit a stall, and rub one out to that.

145. It's a scientific fact that your blood pressure drops after you orgasm.

146. It's like your balls are shooting yoga through your veins.

147. Oh, no. Is she coming over here? Yep. She is.

148. Shit. Please stop talking now.

149. Hi, Rob.

150. Hey, Angela.

151. Um, good morning.

152. Excuse me, Angela. I have to update my Wikipedia page.

153. Okay.

154. So, Rob, um, I know our tutoring session isn't supposed to be until Thursday,

155. but I was kind of hoping we could schedule, like, an emergency session.

156. Miss Marconi moved the test up. She's getting a mammogram tomorrow, so...

157. - Did you say mammogram? - Yeah, how'd you make it sound so hot?

158. I was thinking that we could study tonight at my house.

159. Tonight? Um, actually, I don't think I can.

160. - Oh, boo. Really? - No. Not really.

161. Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...

162. I kind of have plans I can't change, so...

163. - Do you? - Yes. I do, have plans.

164. Maybe, uh, you can study with Arthur instead?

165. Oh, you're serious? That's okay. I'll just...

166. - I'll just fail it. - No, Angela, don't worry.

167. Rob will reassess his schedule and get back to you A.S.A. Fing.P.

168. Thanks. By the way, Rob, that coat makes you look so professorial.

169. She wants to fuck you.

170. Her nickname is "after school special" for a reason.

171. I know.

172. Freshman year, she cured Mike Dolan's stutter.

173. - Her pussy inspired The King's Speech. - I just can't just bail on Gabs, you know?

174. I mean, we watch the spelling bee every year. It's our thing.

175. You've been borderline stalking Angela as long as we've been friends.

176. - We've been friends since we were 5. - Not exactly. You took time to grow on me.

177. - I didn't consider you a friend until 61/2. - Wait, seriously?

178. Look, Angela has sex with grown men.

179. She hasn't slept with a high-school student since elementary school.

180. - She's making an exception for you. - This is too much pressure for me today.

181. Okay, well, let me ask you this. Has she ever invited you over to her house before?

182. No, and stop, okay? Please. Because I am panicking,

183. and I cannot shit these gym shorts.

184. The poem tells of a talking raven's mysterious visit to a distraught lover,

185. tracing's the man's slow fall into madness.

186. I'll start reading and then we'll go around the room counterclockwise.

187. Okay. As I recite the poem, look for the repetition of the word "nevermore."

188. "Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,

189. over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore"...

190. You know, I looked at last year's yearbook, and her tits were not that big.

191. There has definitely been a cosmetic enhancement.

192. - At least two of them. - Definitely.

193. When I die, I want to come back as her top button, you know?

194. - Yeah. - Or a guy who's fucking her.

195. - That'd be cool. - That would be cool.

196. Dude, come on.

197. I have something to add.

198. I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

199. Rob.

200. Is that supposed to be the Georgetown mascot? 'Cause you know it's a bulldog.

201. I can't draw bulldogs.

202. "the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

203. filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before."

204. Didn't Stanley go to the lost and found?

205. - They only had Capri pants. - Mm-hmm.

206. - Are you my escort? - At your service.

207. - Oh, I have bad news for you. - What?

208. Pongsaklek Wonjongkam, who is a boy, by the way,

209. misspelled "endoradiosonde" in the second preliminary round.

210. Are you serious?

211. Shit. I did not see either of those coming.

212. Well...

213. Here we are.

214. - You're gonna nail it. I know it. - You think?

215. Yes. I mean, who can resist those legs?

216. - Rob Crabbe? - Yes.

217. Jack Roth, Georgetown admissions. Good to meet you. Please take a seat.

218. Uh, before we begin, allow me to apologize for the shorts.

219. Some of my classmates thought it might be amusing if uhh...

220. Bullies. What was their weapon of choice?

221. A piss-filled water gun. Direct hit.

222. Say no more. I'll pretend they're pants.

223. Look, everything I've read about you is great,

224. so I'm really here just to put a face with the name. Are those your notes?

225. Give them to me.

226. You don't need notes.

227. Just be yourself. And it's okay if you don't know who that is yet.

228. That's what college is for... to figure out who you are.

229. Right? Not what somebody else wants you to be,

230. but who you...

231. really... are.

232. Just answer the questions honestly. You're gonna do fine, all right?

233. Okay.

234. I see that your parents both graduated from Georgetown.

235. Yeah. Both my mom and dad. They met there, actually.

236. Uh, some kids grow up hearing about Oz or Wonderland.

237. All my fairy tales took place in the mythical land of Georgetown.

238. I'm sorry.

239. I met my wife...

240. at Georgetown, too.

241. But then...

242. Lupus.

243. I'm sorry.

244. It feels like it happened yesterday. It was 10 months ago.

245. I'm just having a moment, okay?

246. Yeah, no. Please, take your time.

247. No, no, no. Let's do this. Let's do this.

248. You know who the biggest bully... is?

249. Lupus?

250. No! It's life!

251. Life is the biggest bully of them all.

252. They'll shoot you with a piss-filled water pistol again and again and again.

253. You got to just get up, carry on. Smell like piss.

254. Life is the biggest fucking bully of them all.

255. I am sorry.

256. Whoa! Detour.

257. Oh, lookit here. It says that you were, uh,

258. part of the student-to-student tutoring initiative.

259. Mr. Roth?

260. My wife was my tutor.

261. That is how we met. Oh, God.

262. That's how we met. And now she's gone.

263. Um...

264. I have my dad's headband, so...

265. Thank you.

266. Oh.

267. - How'd it go? - He cried.

268. Somehow I reminded him of the greatest loss of his life.

269. - There goes Georgetown. - It's not the end of the world.

270. It's just your dad talking. There are other schools.

271. Imagine for one second that you had any goals whatsoever,

272. - and then imagine if they didn't happen. - This is exactly why I don't have goals.

273. Look, you can still get into Georgetown. And if you can't,

274. focus on one thing you can still get into... Angela.

275. You're insane. She doesn't want to...

276. You could become a beautiful non-virgin butterfly.

277. Let Angela's crotch be your cocoon.

278. - Hey. Angela. - Rob. Nice shorts.

279. Uh, thanks. Uh, long story. But, um...

280. I can tutor you tonight.

281. - Really? - Yeah.

282. - Oh, Rob you're such a life saver. - Oh, I can help you out with your test,

283. but Miss Marconi is on her own with her... mammogram.

284. Hey. I've been looking all over for you.

285. Hey, how was your, uh...

286. - Really? - Uh, yeah.

287. I, um... I pulled a Wonjongkam.

288. - No. What happened. - I'd rather not relive it.

289. Hey, so, listen, um...

290. I don't think I can make it tonight.

291. I, uh, I'm just not feeling up to it.

292. - You sure? Might cheer you up. - Yeah, you know, another time.

293. Um...

294. - It's just my future's in doubt. - Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.

295. - I don't know why you feel so bad. - Because I just lied to Gabs.

296. - I feel awful. - Good. We can use that.

297. - What? - Well, guilt is a blessing.

298. It'll make you last longer.

299. You can only go four minutes when it's just you and the tissues.

300. Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty of guilt then, too.

301. Well, we'll need something stronger.

302. Remember when I accidentally exposed my baldy?

303. Ugh. Yeah. It looked like my grandpa's elbow.

304. Yeah, use that. That'll ruin things for a little while.

305. That's good.

306. You know what you should do? Buy the magnums, too.

307. Then use the regular-sized condom, but leave behind the Magnum wrapper.

308. What's that gonna do? Besides make her feel like she has a giant vagina.

309. Um, I'll have the trojan ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please.

310. Oh!

311. I'm fine, you asshole!

312. Pussy?

313. - Excuse me? - Are you here for pussy?

314. I'm Angela's tutor. Is she home?

315. I don't know.

316. - Mind if I check? - Do as you wish.

317. - Hey. - Hey.

318. - Uzi, you know you can smoke inside. - Uh, no thank you.

319. Uzi's from Israel. He's staying with us for the rest of the school year, so...

320. Cool.

321. When it's this quiet back home... a café explodes.

322. - Come on in. - Okay.

323. Ka-boom.

324. Uh... so... quadratic equations.

325. Believe me, it is a lot more exciting than it sounds.

326. What are you doing? Sit on the bed.

327. Oh, yeah. Uh, right. Of course.

328. So, would you like some wine? It's white zinfandel.

329. It's my mom's favorite. It's absolutely delish.

330. No, thanks. Math pairs better with a robust red.

331. Is your mom home?

332. No, she works at night. It's just me and Uzi.

333. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

334. Don't worry about it.

335. So, uh... what... what exactly is your test on tomorrow?

336. Can I confess something to you?

337. You don't have a dead wife or anything, do you?

338. - 'Cause I can't take that again today. - No.

339. I don't really have a test tomorrow.

340. - You don't? - No.

341. - I just really like studying with you. - I really like studying with you, too.

342. - Your grades are really improving. - Yeah.

343. The studying sessions are, like, the highlight of my week.

344. - They are? - Yeah.

345. When I'm with you, I don't know. You don't treat me like everyone else.

346. I just feel... I don't know. Safe.

347. I was captain of the safety patrol team in 8th grade.

348. Wait. Maybe we should...

349. Oh, that... that is nice.

350. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

351. What the f...

352. It's okay. She's in the laundry room. Sit down.

353. We both know how important today's interview is.

354. Rob?

355. The interview is today?

356. Don't "f" with me, Robert.

357. When you were benched in little league and your team played with eight players,

358. I said nothing. When you were bullied by Sally Levinson, I said nothing.

359. When you lost the class presidency to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.

360. But this interview is far too important for me to sit idly by and say nothing.

361. I want you to wear this during the interview.

362. The headband.

363. This is my old headband from when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

364. Today's the day you make me proud.

365. It would save me time...

366. if I would just put down newspaper on his... bed.

367. Rob! Yo, Rob! Ah!

368. So, I'm about to blow my load when she says, "wait."

369. She then stands up, gets dressed, and leaves.

370. Before she goes, she turns to me and says, "okay. Come now."

371. And boom. I came.

372. What the fuck are you doing?

373. Why are you dressed like Ellen Degeneres?

374. No, he sent me this fucked-up YouTube clip.

375. Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts so hard he shit himself and came.

376. Hey, you pissed at me or something?

377. What? No. I'm just... really out of it.

378. I don't think I slept so good. I was having a crazy dream.

379. - And a good morning to you both. - Hey, Gabs. Arthur.

380. - What time are you flying out, Artie? - Funny, Stanley.

381. Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

382. So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is today?

383. Does anyone know the warning signs of a stroke?

384. - Good morning. - Hi, Mr. Hughes.

385. Arthur, I thought you were gonna be here early.

386. Excuse me for a second.

387. - You know, I kind of feel bad for him. - Why?

388. Probably because he has one eyebrow.

389. - And it's thicker than... - Sam Elliott's mustache.

390. So, I was thinking every time they ask for alternate pronunciations,

391. - we could drink. - Rob! Yo, Rob!

392. Hey! Are you kidding me?

393. You're volleyball players. You don't get to pick on people.

394. - Set me. - Oh!

395. Ooh! Damn!

396. It's piss.

397. Okay, um... well, that'll dry by the interview, right?

398. Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.

399. I have my test next period, so I got to go. Um...

400. - Stanley, go to the lost and found... - No, it's fine.

401. I'll just wear the shorts in my gym locker.

402. Really? You sure?

403. - Stay calm. Take a deep breath. - No, seriously. I'm good.

404. This was the dream.

405. - You dreamed about today? - Yeah.

406. Lisa's telling you to come. The piss gun.

407. And Angela Yearwood wants to have sex with me.

408. - Bullshit. - Hey. I have a test next period.

409. Are all the people you tutor this self-absorbed?

410. Hi, Rob. So, I know our tutoring session wasn't supposed to be until Thursday,

411. but I was kind of, like, hoping that we could schedule an emergency session.

412. Miss Marconi moved the test up. She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

413. Mammogram.

414. How could you even focus on your interview right now?

415. - In the dream, I bombed it. - Who cares?

416. Angela will make everything in the world right again.

417. - I need Rob Crabbe to the main office. - Rob.

418. You know, I bombed the Angela thing, too.

419. - That's right. - What?

420. Nothing.

421. - Are you ready? - Do I look ready?

422. - The outfit weirdly works for you. - No, it doesn't.

423. Nope. Not at all.

424. Oh, I have bad news for you.

425. Yeah, Pongsaklek Wonjongkam misspelled "endoradiosonde."

426. My wife was my tutor. That's how we met. Oh, God. Jesus.

427. She's gone.

428. So?

429. Don't shut me out!

430. Hey, Rob!

431. - Are you okay? - Yeah. Why?

432. I just thought you'd be more excited to come over tonight. That's all.

433. - You know, if you have other plans. - You know what?

434. - I can tutor you tonight, so... - You're a life saver!

435. Um... help me? I'm sick.

436. - What's wrong? - I have no idea.

437. I'm having déjà vu or, like, a psychotic episode,

438. and I really need your help because I'm falling apart.

439. Okay. Put this under your tongue.

440. That's your timer, Neal.

441. No fever, Neal.

442. You're not sick, honey. You can go back to class.

443. Yeah, you know what? I'll just figure it out.

444. Feel better, Neal.

445. There's never a bad time to get an SRD from Angela Yearwood.

446. Even if she gave you a fatal one, your doctor would still high-five you.

447. Shit. I never canceled with Gabs.

448. Who cares? Angela's about to deflower you. Please smile.

449. Could I have the trojan ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?

450. Oh, shit. This is where... aah!

451. Are you here for pussy?

452. Hey.

453. Can I confess something to you?

454. - I don't really have a test tomorrow. - I know.

455. Oh, no.

456. Just... throw the sheets in the la...

457. Today's the day you make me proud.

458. Rob! Ah!

459. She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

460. - Nevermore. - I have some more bad news for you.

461. Not this time.

462. Pussy?

463. Can I confess something to you?

464. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

465. What the fuck is happening?

466. Is everything okay?

467. Yeah! Yeah. I'll just... I'll throw the sheets in the laundry.

468. Do you want this to end? 'Cause I think you're getting a pretty good deal here.

469. We're having sex. The least you can do is hold my hand in school.

470. Look, the whole reason that this works

471. is because I get to practice for when I meet the right guy in college, okay?

472. 'Cause as far as anyone who really matters is concerned, you don't exist.

473. - The hell are you doing here? - I have something I need to tell you.

474. There is only one explanation. Your virginity is driving you insane.

475. It's like one of those videos we saw in Ms. Depanorizzi's health class.

476. You know, how little Timmy went berserk because he masturbated too much.

477. No, I know. It's just... I swear this all feels too real.

478. - Way too real. - Sounds like a delusional disorder.

479. Unlike hallucinations, your actual belief in these events is clearly pathological.

480. An antipsychotic will help reduce your dopamine levels. You'll be fine.

481. My dad's a psychiatrist.

482. - I know what will help. - What?

483. - A threesome. - With me?

484. Yeah. With you. It's a win-win-win. Look, you get some pre-college practice,

485. Rob has sex and is no longer driven mad by his virginal status,

486. and I bust a nut before 8:00 in the morning. What do you say?

487. Yeah, but what actually happens in a threesome?

488. Does that mean that you and I...

489. Mnh-mnh, Rob, you and I will not be having sex. We'd be boning Lisa.

490. - At the same time? - It all depends.

491. There are different methods. You know, we could take turns...

492. Okay. Do you really think that I would have a threesome with the two of you?

493. - Maybe. - Okay, look. Threesomes are... special.

494. They're specifically reserved for when I find the man that I'm going to marry.

495. And then a friend of his choice, of course.

496. You know, that's how you make marriages work.

497. Oh, and, Stanley, you can come now.

498. You too, Rob.

499. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

500. He's a young man!

501. Are you kidding me with this?

502. It's like he's regressing right before our eyes!

503. He has a big day, probably just needed to relieve some tension.

504. That was a lot of tension! Our son is turning into this pervert!

505. When I was that age, I could fill a bucket.

506. Yeah? Well, sweetie, you can still fill a bucket.

507. - It's just a little squirt. - A little squirt?

508. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

509. So, I went to Angela's house one, two, three times,

510. and then I went and saw Stanley and Lisa.

511. And then we almost had a threesome. And then...

512. - Is that a 48-inch... - Sure is.

513. I'm gonna do my own laundry from now on.

514. Hey!

515. Hey! Gabs!

516. Gabrielle, stop! Gabrielle!

517. Rob? Are you okay? You look insane.

518. - Did you see Gabrielle? - Yeah. She went inside.

519. Dude, I called your phone like a thousand times.

520. The most amazing thing happened to me this morning.

521. I know. Lisa's totally become a master at jizzekinesis!

522. Jizzekinesis!

523. Gabs!

524. Gabs! Hey! Gabs!

525. That's what you're wearing to your interview?

526. Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no.

527. Hey, um, I need to talk to you. It's really important.

528. - Sure. Are you okay? - Not really.

529. Let's go somewhere maybe and...

530. Oh, yeah! You think that's funny? You think that's funny?

531. Whoa!

532. - That wasn't yours to touch. - Rob, I think we should go now.

533. Yeah, you should really listen to your girlfriend.

534. You guys are taller and you're better looking, but that's not enough, is it?

535. I mean, why do you pick on guys like me? You know what I think?

536. I think you're gay and you don't know how to handle it,

537. so you pick on me because, inside, society picks on you.

538. That's not cool. Tommy's gay.

539. - Oh, you are? - Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

540. The guys are super supportive.

541. - Oh, that's so nice. - Yeah.

542. Yeah, I guess it would have been worse if you guys played a real sport, right?

543. That came out wrong.

544. - Gabs, I got to go. - Probably for the best.

545. Get him!

546. Oh, Rob! Can you...

547. No!

548. Where is he?

549. Try that one.

550. Oh, shit! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

551. - Come on! - Get it open!

552. It's stuck! It's stuck!

553. One, two, three!

554. Would you guys just stop banging for like two seconds?

555. Ugh! He's whacking!

556. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

557. Nothing happened.

558. Mm. Good morning.

559. - Sit down. I want to talk to you. - Dad...

560. Why is it so important to you that I go to Georgetown?

561. Well, I guess because that's where I met your mother and my life really began.

562. - And you want that for me? - Yes, of course.

563. Well, what if I don't need Georgetown to get that?

564. You don't want to go to Georgetown?

565. No, I'm... I'm just kidding.

566. No, I just... I don't need a pep talk, that's all. I got this.

567. You know, why don't you just focus on planning your trip to parents' weekend.

568. Okay.

569. All right. Have a good day.

570. I proved the existence of a sex Jedi and you're just speechless and smiling.

571. - Do you think about anything besides sex? - Yeah. I think about a lot of stuff.

572. Like why we're still reliant on foreign oil.

573. What I'd look like with a ponytail. You know?

574. Why the sudden up tick in peanut allergies?

575. You know, there are other things in this world besides sex.

576. Other things to see or do in this world. In this school, even.

577. What the hell are you talking about?

578. I'm talking about living a life without repercussions.

579. - Hi, guys. - Hey, Gabs.

580. Hey, didn't your cousin get admitted to South Oaks?

581. Yeah. He had a psychotic break...

582. and burned down his neighbor's shed. Thank you for bringing that up.

583. Uh-huh. We need to get Rob admitted there stat. He's fucking lost it.

584. You know, I just woke up this morning, and long story short,

585. I feel like I can do anything.

586. Okay. Can we talk about that on the way to class?

587. - Yeah, let's go. I need to make a poo. - Yeah, you guys go.

588. I don't really feel like walking.

589. - Yeah, you're right. He's acting weird. - Yeah. He's like the douchey lama.

590. Stop that golf cart!

591. - Show me your hall pass. - Is there a hall pass for golf carts?

592. I'm gonna have to write you up.

593. You poor soul. You don't know the power that you possess.

594. I mean, you get beaten up every day, and for what?

595. A line on a college résumé? I mean, what if instead of writing people up,

596. you used your position to your advantage, got something out of it.

597. Like, tell me that you won't write me up if I give you the golf cart.

598. - You would do that? - Maybe.

599. Or... Excuse me, Miss? Do you have a hall pass?

600. Shit. No.

601. Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.

602. You see, my friend here is a hall monitor,

603. and it is his job to write up students who roam the halls

604. without the necessary paperwork.

605. Please don't write me up. I'll get suspended if I get written up again.

606. Will you French kiss him?

607. Okay. But he can't tell anyone.

608. Deal.

609. But give him something to remember.

610. - This is what you're doing with your day? - Yeah, totally.

611. - Check this out. - Where'd you get that?

612. You know that creepy janitor? It turns out he's not a pedophile.

613. He's just a drug dealer.

614. - Huh. - Hop in.

615. Should we be out here?

616. Nope.

617. - But that's what makes it fun? - Yep.

618. Mm-hmm. And if we get caught?

619. Don't worry about it.

620. Just trust me. It's like that time that you told me to tell my gym teacher

621. I couldn't run the mile because of my menstrual cramps.

622. - Did I do it? - Yep.

623. Mr. Zizek still calls you "tampon."

624. I didn't say I'm not smoking with you. Come on.

625. Light that thing up. Let us see if it is really a gateway drug.

626. Oh. It is.

627. A gateway to awesome.

628. Oh, thank you.

629. Hey, would you like to hear something that I've never told anyone ever?

630. - Yes. - Freshman year,

631. I thought that parent/teacher night meant that Mrs. Wiley was going to be

632. staying at my house for a night while my parents went away.

633. You would have to bomb your house to get rid of the stench of her perfume.

634. Oh, God.

635. - How did we become friends? - You don't remember?

636. No, it's not that I don't remember, it's just...

637. It feels like you've always been here.

638. Sorry.

639. Weed must make me uncomfortably deep.

640. Uh-huh.

641. Um... I was in the third grade and I was the new girl, the giant, 5'3" new girl.

642. And you were the only one who didn't laugh at me.

643. I was too scared to laugh. You were enormous.

644. Hey. No matter where we end up next year,

645. we have to watch the spelling bee together.

646. Of course we will.

647. I'm really sorry that I blew you off this time.

648. - I'll never do it again. - When did you blow me off?

649. I meant... I meant to say I would never blow you off.

650. Sorry. This stuff must really be killing brain cells.

651. It's nice to get out like this once in a while. You know?

652. - Get out of class, live a little. - Yeah.

653. We should have done something like this sooner.

654. - I always wanted to. - Mm-hmm.

655. You know what?

656. - Come on. - Where are we going?

657. There's something else I've always wanted to do.

658. Here. It's pretty good, but kind of illegal.

659. Oh, God.

660. Hold on!

661. - Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes. - Rob, this is the teachers' lounge.

662. Yeah, I know. Um, hey, you wouldn't happen to have a match or anything, would you?

663. No? All right. Cool. Well, um, I should probably get going.

664. But you should probably flush again, just in case.

665. - What was it like in there? - It was very comfortable.

666. There was a great selection of reading material.

667. I fucking love doughnuts.

668. You know, all I'm saying is that you have an inner strength that one day I hope to have.

669. - Thank you. - Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.

670. Okay? Because I am not important right now.

671. My interview? That is not important.

672. I'm never gonna forget you.

673. I know.

674. Whoa!

675. Hey!

676. Whoo!

677. - What the fuck was that? - Two men. Connecting.

678. Okay, cut the shit. What is up with you today? Gabs and I are worried.

679. - I'm not worried. - Dude, I've told you.

680. - You don't get it. - When did you tell me?

681. Three this mornings ago. It's okay, okay?

682. Because I didn't really get it, either, but I do now. Today is a gift.

683. Come on. I just got an idea.

684. Okay, so, as I told you guys yesterday,

685. tomorrow's quiz will be on chapters 5 through 7,

686. and what you want to look...

687. Mr. Crabbe, your class was two periods ago. You missed it.

688. - I know. I was taking a shit. - Excuse me?

689. - Oh, my God. - What's he doing?

690. They're very firm, Stanley. Like, spongy. Does that mean they're fake?

691. - Oh, my God! - Thank you.

692. Sweet.

693. I think I smoked too much weed. Did he just feel up Ms. Hartnett?

694. - Mm-hmm. I think she called the cops. - It was worth it.

695. Are these seats taken, Sally?

696. It has been a long time.

697. Whoa!

698. That was for the 4th grade!

699. Right?

700. Oh, shit.

701. Save yourself, Rob! Grab her tit!

702. I'm grabbing her tit! I'm grabbing your tit!

703. Squeeze it till milk comes out!

704. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

705. I'm sorry, Sally. I'm a big fan.

706. Sally!

707. Have a seat, Rob.

708. I don't know what to say. You're one of my favorite students.

709. Really? We've barely met.

710. Yeah, exactly. I love the students I don't have to meet.

711. Meeting you guys is the worst part of my job.

712. Do you mind if I eat? It's gonna be awhile before the cops get here.

713. - The cops? - Yes. The cops. Geez.

714. You grabbed Ms. Hartnett's breasts.

715. That's sexual assault. I mean, don't flatter yourself.

716. They're also coming for some moron bus driver who was toking it up

717. in one of the parked vehicles, but you're the main focus.

718. So...

719. I don't mean to be flippant about your situation,

720. but in an overcrowded public school like this,

721. if one of you students wants to flush your future down the crapper

722. and I get to expel you, I am not losing my appetite over that.

723. - Shit. - Fuck.

724. All right, let's run down the hit list.

725. You molested a teacher.

726. You sexually harassed a female freshman student

727. and a male hall monitor. And then...

728. This is funny. You got in a fight with a girl and you lost.

729. She curb-stomped my genitals. With her shoes.

730. Mm-hmm. Then I called your mom. Your mom and dad are on their way, by the way.

731. And she said that she caught you masturbating this morning.

732. It was a wet dream. I wasn't masturbating.

733. Whatever. Seems like to me you're going for a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.

734. - Can I go to the bathroom? - Yeah, in your pants.

735. 'Cause you're not leaving this office.

736. All right. Let's take a look.

737. I can't figure out what would make a boy like you snap.

738. I mean, up to this point, no missteps.

739. What would make a boy like you do what you did?

740. I mean, it's a big question. Is society at fault? Probably.

741. Have you got bad wiring? Were you not hugged enough as a kid?

742. Rob, Rob, Robbie.

743. I mean, what is it? You take Paxil or something?

744. Maybe it's your home life.

745. I don't know. Maybe you have horrible parents.

746. But here is the hard truth that America is not prepared to admit.

747. We're all just... filthy animals.

748. And to expect us to play by the prude rules...

749. that's ri-goddamn-diculous.

750. I mean, what you did to Ms. Hartnett...

751. We were all thinking about it.

752. As long as you don't sell crack or burn the campus down,

753. I really don't care if you play a little ass-grab, but...

754. I mean, hell, if I had the budget, I would build us a windowless room

755. where you perverts could just go in there and poke and grab all day long.

756. And I'd make it all out of cement, you know, so you could hose down all the... fluids.

757. Come on!

758. - Is that semen? - It's just a little mayo.

759. My daughter made me that sandwich!

760. That's a special sandwich, you little pervert!

761. Ohh!

762. - Cops are here. - Yeah, I know.

763. - Dude, you got to get me out of here. - Come on.

764. Uh, you do know that you're in the girls' locker room, don't you?

765. Tell that to your Adam's apple.

766. Uh, sorry.

767. - Hide here until it's safe to leave. - What?

768. Don't go anywhere.

769. Come on!

770. What the fuck is wrong with you?

771. Are you talking to me?

772. No. I was yelling at my dick because it won't get hard.

773. There's a guy in there. I think he's...

774. Molesting himself? It sure sound like it. Do you want to watch?

775. Hey, man. What the fuck are you doing?

776. I really need to jerk off, but it's not working,

777. - and I think I might have broken it. - Wait. Why do you need to jerk off?

778. Dude, I really don't have time to explain right now. Just help me or...

779. get the fuck away.

780. You want sto fuck mistah?

781. I'll fuck you first one free. I'll give you all my holes. Even brown one.

782. - Stanley? - Yeah?

783. - What the fuck are you doing? - I'm trying to help.

784. I went Asian. Asian seems right, you know?

785. Put your egg roll in my sticky bun!

786. Ooh, we do fucky-fucky! Fucky now!

787. - Let's do fucky-fucky! - Shut the hell up.

788. - You shut the hell up! - Stanley, come on. Stop, man.

789. - I really need to focus. - Oh, no. Do me!

790. Do me doggie style, then we eat dog! Woof!

791. Come on, man. Please stop. You're ruining it.

792. No, you stop, Mr. America. Choke me.

793. Choke me! Choke me!

794. You fuck her from the front, "g."

795. I'mma fuck her from the back. Yeah.

796. What the hell is that?

797. It's the only other voice I can do.

798. I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting raped in jail is gonna do the trick.

799. Oh, no.

800. Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

801. You got to be fucking kidding me!

802. What was that, Robert? You got to be fucking kidding me! Look at yourself!

803. I'm sorry, mom.

804. I can't believe this is my fucking life.

805. You're not gonna lock your bike up?

806. Hey, guys.

807. - What time are you flying out, Artie? - Funny, Stanley.

808. Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

809. So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is...

810. Today. And no, I don't want to drop your name.

811. I mean, I could, but, you know, I'd rather not be associated with you.

812. - Rob. What's wrong? - It's not the interview.

813. - You want to talk about it? - I'm good.

814. - Well, it's bee day, right? - Yeah, about that. I have to cancel.

815. - Really? Just like that? - Yes, just like that.

816. Hey!

817. I don't know what's going on here, but promise me

818. you'll turn the darkness off for your interview.

819. - Why? - 'Cause you've worked your ass off for it.

820. And I need to know you're not gonna throw it away.

821. If I have to do the interview with you, I will.

822. Stop fucking around, man. I'm not... I'm not in a good place right now.

823. I'm not fucking around. You're my best friend. I'd do anything for you.

824. - Do you mean that? - Yeah. I mean that.

825. I mean, 'cause you've never really told me that before.

826. Well, I never knew I had to.

827. I don't know, you're just... you're always so vulgar, you know?

828. I bury my emotions. It's a defense mechanism.

829. - I'm gonna hug you now. - I know.

830. - Hey, guys. - Oh.

831. - Hi, Angela. - Hey... Angela. How are you?

832. Why are you guys hugging?

833. It's 2013, Angela. Men hug now, you know? Deal with it.

834. So, Rob. Um, I was gonna come find you later, but since you're here,

835. I know our tutoring session isn't technically supposed to be until Thursday,

836. - but... - Tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.

837. Great. And could we do it at my house?

838. - If we have to. - Perfect. Come over around 7:00.

839. - Great. - Nice hoodie.

840. Tracing the man's slow fall into madness.

841. I'll start reading and then we'll go around the room counterclockwise.

842. Okay, let's get started.

843. Mr. Crabbe, would you mind taking your seat so we can begin?

844. Oh, no, if it's okay, I'm just... I'm gonna stand.

845. No, it's not okay.

846. I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

847. Oh, wow. Aren't you glad I took my seat?

848. As I recite the poem out loud, listen for the repetition of the word "nevermore."

849. Gabs?

850. "while I pondered weak and weary,

851. over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore"...

852. Mr. Crabbe, good to meet you, young man. How's your day going?

853. Not gonna lie. Today has been a never-ending cluster fuck.

854. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. But as I've learned,

855. in the light of some recent difficult events, each day is a gift.

856. Yeah, it is a gift you can't return.

857. You have a very impressive application.

858. Everything on there was designed to solicit that exact response.

859. - What? - I have lived to get into this school.

860. You know I even have a set of perfectly scripted responses

861. to virtually every question that you could ever ask?

862. Hell, at one point, I was so nervous I might have even over-performed.

863. - But not now. - Why? Why not now?

864. Oh, I could tell you, but you'd never believe me.

865. Is it the pressure? Because I can tell you, you're a lock for our school.

866. Is it a girl? Is it a girl? I can tell you, there's gonna be others. There will.

867. And when the right one presents herself... She will...

868. Oh, God. I was really hoping you wouldn't cry this time.

869. - What? - Nothing. Here's the problem.

870. There are certain things that I thought I wanted,

871. like getting in to Georgetown or fucking Angela Yearwood,

872. but then I realized I don't actually want any of those things.

873. - Uh... - Other people just want them for me.

874. Having sex is nothing you should take lightly.

875. I know that. I've had, like, seven orgasms so far today.

876. Holy shit.

877. How'd it go?

878. Look on the bright side. Tonight you get to have sex with Angela Yearwood.

879. No. The worst part is I don't.

880. - Hey. I thought you had to cancel. - Can I come in? I'm not good.

881. And I don't even get to actually have sex. I just...

882. orgasm prematurely and then I wake up back in my room.

883. And then my mom comes in to find me sitting on a massive wet spot.

884. Do you believe me?

885. Only the part about you waking up in a massive wet spot every morning.

886. Gabs, I know that this sounds fucking crazy, but I'm serious.

887. Okay, what am I gonna say now?

888. I don't know. I... I haven't done this part yet.

889. Oh, okay, so every day is not the same. You can do different things.

890. Yes, yes, but... inevitably, I have an orgasm.

891. - Okay. All right. That's... great. - You got to believe me.

892. I don't, but, uh, I'm worried about you now, so...

893. Walk me through this never-ending day?

894. Okay, um... Well, I wake up...

895. - Just... throw the sheets in... - Smell of a champ...

896. - Rob! - Hi, guys.

897. - A mammogram. - Nevermore.

898. - Pongsaklek Wonjongkam. - No.

899. - Can I confess something to you? - Ka-boom.

900. And that's all you can think of?

901. Well, one time Sally Levinson kicked an orgasm out of me, but...

902. - those are the constants. - Right.

903. Look, it's, uh, it's getting late and I have a test tomorrow.

904. Gabs, come on, okay? Please? Please help me.

905. Look, if you're just gonna live this day over again, you got to tell me earlier.

906. Like, third period.

907. And have you not believe me again? Thanks.

908. Okay, look. Just, if you want me to believe you...

909. When you tell me your story, just mention the Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy

910. and I will believe you.

911. Ew. You have an Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy?

912. I had a dream where he...

913. emancipated my g-spot.

914. - It was unforgettable. - Oh, my God.

915. - Okay, do you want my help or not? - Just forget it.

916. We do have one other option.

917. We can talk to the smartest person I know.

918. You've come to me for help. Pardon me while I savor this moment.

919. - Told you this was a bad idea. - Just wait.

920. Arthur, we really need your help.

921. While I applaud your decision to discuss the matter with me,

922. I have little experience with mental illness. Also, he's a dick.

923. You didn't tell me you were having friends over.

924. I didn't know. They just showed up.

925. Nana doesn't like unexpected guests.

926. - But I didn't... - They have to leave!

927. - But... - This is not up for debate!

928. Please calm down.

929. Get them out now before somebody gets hurt!

930. I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you have to leave before my Nana sees you.

931. Why? What's up with your Nana?

932. Mama, no!

933. Aah! Mama!

934. What the fuck?

935. Mama! Mama!

936. Mama?

937. Is she dead?

938. Oh, no!

939. Oh, no! Get her off of me! Get her off of me!

940. Get her off! Get... her... off.

941. Jadoogar.

942. - Where are you going? - School.

943. - Not like that. - It's okay. It get a do-over.

944. Hey, Arthur.

945. - Oh, hey, Rob. I got beer for tonight. - I need to talk to you.

946. - I'm pretty busy. - Are you okay?

947. No. I'm not okay. I'm stuck in the same day,

948. and it's a fucking hell that you can't even fathom, and it just keeps happening.

949. I wake up, life kicks the shit out of me, and then I have an orgasm,

950. and then I live the same day all over again, and I know that that sounds crazy,

951. but it's true, and I think that this little fucker can explain it to me.

952. Wow, I've never seen a midlife crisis before.

953. - He's 17. - I always saw him going young.

954. Drugs or a plane crash. Anyway, hope it works out, Rob.

955. - Whoa, whoa, okay. - Watch it.

956. - These fibers are delicate. - All right, so, he's, like, 5.

957. - Hey, no! - Hey!

958. Get back here! Get back here, you little shit!

959. Arthur!

960. Arthur!

961. Oh, no. Oh.

962. He's in there.

963. I'll give you two minutes, but make it rough on him.

964. I'm talking "slamming balls on the toilet seat" rough.

965. Hey, whoa, whoa. Uh, maintenance. Keep it moving.

966. - But it's an emergency. - I'll fucking kill you.

967. Please stop! Someone just pooped in here! I can smell it!

968. - What does a "jadoogar" mean? - Wait, what?

969. - What does "jadoogar" mean? - "Curse"! I think it means "curse"!

970. - What kind of curse? - Like a jinx!

971. - How do I get rid of one? - How should I know?

972. - Because your grandma put it on me! - That's crazy!

973. - My Nana doesn't even know who you are! - Your Nana put a fucking jadoogar on me!

974. No! No way! Please don't dunk me again.

975. I can feel sores opening up on my lips and in my mouth.

976. Here.

977. If I had a knife, I'd stab you in the fucking throat.

978. - Have you checked your voicemail? - Are you okay?

979. - You're acting kind of weird. - The most amazing thing...

980. - I'm cursed. - What do you mean, you're cursed?

981. That first-generation asshole just told me that I'm cursed

982. and that this fucking shit-storm of a day is just going to keep repeating.

983. - That's ridiculous. - You know what's ridiculous?

984. Is wanting to have sexual intercourse with Abraham Lincoln.

985. How do you know about that?

986. Because I've been through every nook and cranny today has to offer.

987. You told me to say it, at 9:00 tonight yesterday.

988. And then I blew a load on Arthur's mom's ample chest,

989. - and then I woke up back where I started. - Whatever, dude. Listen, this morning...

990. Lisa's a jizz Jedi. Nobody cares right now.

991. - Not like a curse is such a big deal. - Well, if it's not, then solve it for me.

992. Okay, it's pretty simple.

993. A curse is the universe trying to make you right a cosmic wrong.

994. You have to figure out what made the curse start and fix it.

995. - And how do you know that? - Duh... the curse of the Bambino.

996. By some sort of divine intervention, the Boston Red Sox got Babe Ruth,

997. and they traded him to the Yankees.

998. To break the curse, they had to beat the yanks.

999. It took them over 80 fucking years, but they fixed it. The universe is a cruel bitch.

1000. You know, Stanley, you can always say, "I don't know" every once in awhile.

1001. You don't always have to bullshit every time there's a pause in the conversation.

1002. Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why are you still stuck in the same fucking day?

1003. Curses are bullshit. Now say sorry and go conquer that which has been unconquerable.

1004. Angela.

1005. - I got to go. - Hey!

1006. Dude, I'm still waiting for the apology.

1007. Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be out with a substitute and the next day

1008. I'm gonna have a big story to tell you all about my mammogram.

1009. - Uh, Miss Marconi. - Rob?

1010. Angela's wanted down at the main office.

1011. - Do you have a pass? - No.

1012. - Then she can't go with you. - Uh, fine.

1013. Angela, tonight. I am coming over and not for tutoring.

1014. - Rob. - What?

1015. - Spelling bee. - Seriously? Spelling bee?

1016. - You okay with that? - Sure.

1017. You may continue your class now.

1018. Okay, I need you to tell me everything you know about pleasing a woman.

1019. Jesus.

1020. He's like the bill belichick of lady parts.

1021. - Promise me you won't watch. - I can make no such promises.

1022. Aw, motherfucker!

1023. What made you do this?

1024. You know, I wanted to for, like, the longest time,

1025. and it felt like you were finally starting to notice me, you know?

1026. Like, maybe the universe wanted this to happen.

1027. This is really nice. Usually I'm with older guys, so...

1028. Yeah, well, I am more romance, less body hair, so...

1029. You know what could be really fun?

1030. If we stopped studying altogether and just did this.

1031. Okay.

1032. That way, I mean, you just have to, like, hook me up with cheat sheets

1033. and write my papers for me.

1034. But I tutor you.

1035. Yeah, but isn't this better?

1036. I mean, we can fun during our study sessions,

1037. and then you can go home and do my work after.

1038. Okay, but...

1039. You don't ever have to act cool around me.

1040. What?

1041. I thought that's why you like me, that and I make you feel safe.

1042. I never said that.

1043. You are right. Um... Look,

1044. Angela, you are obviously very, very hot, but, you know what? This never works out.

1045. I mean, I have tried to have sex with you like six times, and I'm done.

1046. I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but it is definitely not here.

1047. And I'm sorry... white zinfandel? What are you? Like, 45?

1048. Okay, then you can get the fuck out of here.

1049. Will do.

1050. Dick. White zin's delish.

1051. - That was quick. - Go fuck yourself.

1052. I talked to my buddies in admissions. You don't think I would have found out

1053. - that you blew off the interview? - How'd you even find me?

1054. I went to Gabrielle's to tear you away from the spelling bee.

1055. She told me you went over to "what's-her-slut's"... her words.

1056. Dad, it has been a really long day.

1057. Oh. It's not over yet. Here.

1058. Put this on.

1059. There he is.

1060. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Get your game face on.

1061. Jack Roth?

1062. Yeah?

1063. I'm Jim Crabbe. This is my son, Rob.

1064. We talked on the phone before.

1065. Right. Right.

1066. Have a seat.

1067. Great.

1068. Thanks for seeing us before you left town.

1069. Jim, could you go get us some scotch? Couple scotches?

1070. - Service here is shit. - Oh, sure. Okay.

1071. Um... What'll you have?

1072. Dewar's on the rocks with a twist. Make it a double.

1073. Your dad really wants you to go to Georgetown.

1074. Yeah.

1075. Do you?

1076. What's going through your mind right now?

1077. Just that I can't wait for this day to be over.

1078. You and me both.

1079. My cat shits outside of the box.

1080. Not down the hall or in the basement or in my bed, just right outside of the box.

1081. - It's a big "fuck you." - Yeah, what's up with that?

1082. My wife passed away a few months ago.

1083. And the cat really loved her.

1084. He wishes I had died instead of her. That's what he's saying.

1085. Have you considered that maybe... your cat's just an asshole?

1086. He is an asshole.

1087. Thank you.

1088. There we go.

1089. Jim, I was just asking your son why he wants to go to Georgetown,

1090. but I would like to hear it from you. Why do you want him to go to Georgetown?

1091. Well, my going there was the transformative experience of my life.

1092. And you just assume that what was best for you is also the best for him?

1093. Let me put it this way. I had a choice.

1094. It was either Georgetown or Yale.

1095. Why did you choose Georgetown?

1096. I actually... I didn't choose it.

1097. Georgetown gave me a scholarship.

1098. Sometimes the universe has a way of helping when you're about to make a mistake.

1099. You're on fire tonight. Let's get some more drinks.

1100. - Yeah. I'll get them. I'll get them. - Okay.

1101. - Is it French? - Yes.

1102. - Can I have the definition, please? - "To determine or appoint beforehand."

1103. Can you use it in a sentence, please?

1104. It is debated whether the events of our lives

1105. are foreordained or the product of our own brain."

1106. I don't want to go to Georgetown.

1107. - But all... - Don't... react. Just feel.

1108. Maybe I want to go. Maybe not. It doesn't matter.

1109. I'll go to a good school no matter what, but...

1110. The only thing I know right now is that I really like Gabrielle.

1111. Like, a lot, and, uh...

1112. Every time today plays out, I fuck it up.

1113. And I'm not gonna let it happen again. Gabrielle is my Georgetown.

1114. I have no idea what that means, but I support you.

1115. It's gonna be okay.

1116. Can I have my headband back?

1117. Yeah.

1118. - Looks better on you. - Thanks, Jack.

1119. Let's go get that fucking girl!

1120. - Okeydoke. - Yeah.

1121. Get in!

1122. - Can you drive? - Sure.

1123. - Okay. - Why don't we get some fries, too?

1124. Okay, so what do I do?

1125. - Well, it's too late to knock. - Which one is her window?

1126. The light's still flickering. Okay. Yes!

1127. During your darkest time, why was there only one set of footprints in the sand?

1128. - What? - Because I carried you, brother.

1129. Get over here.

1130. What are we doing?

1131. You're gonna need a boost.

1132. - What are you doing? - I need to talk to you.

1133. I didn't have sex with Angela.

1134. N-o...

1135. - Did you hear me? - Yeah.

1136. You didn't bang the school slut. What a hero.

1137. - Get the fuck out of my room. - Gabs, come on.

1138. Stop it, okay?

1139. - Really? - I'll buy you a new one. Just...

1140. Listen, okay? When I woke up this morning, I expected to be here tonight.

1141. I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't have been, but...

1142. I lost sight of that. But I'm here now, curse or no curse.

1143. Rob! How's it going up there?

1144. - Who's that? - That is my Georgetown interviewer.

1145. Rob, how's it going? With the girl?

1146. What are they doing here?

1147. We had a drink at the hotel. Shit got deep. Just listen, okay?

1148. I thought that I had feelings for Angela.

1149. - Rob, leave. - Well, just let me finish.

1150. - Angela isn't... - Ugh! This isn't about Angela!

1151. Just... get out.

1152. I'm not going anywhere.

1153. Okay. Fine.

1154. I can end this. I just have to finish you off.

1155. Then you're out of my room and you're back in yours. Okay?

1156. - What? - Let's go. Come on.

1157. Whoa! Don't... do that. Hey, whoa! Hold on!

1158. - It'll be over really fast. - Gabs, seriously, stop!

1159. - Don't touch me! - 'Cause that's not hurtful.

1160. Well, if you would just... Gabrielle, what are you doing?

1161. Take off your pants so I can be alone!

1162. Gabrielle!

1163. - Oh, shit. - Hi, Dad.

1164. Oh, thank God, sir.

1165. Please don't leave, because your daughter...

1166. She was trying to take advantage of me, and, uh...

1167. I just want to assure you that I do not wish to do anything physical

1168. with or to her. Right now.

1169. I'd feel a lot better about this if you put your shirt back on... dear.

1170. Yeah. Sure. Here you go.

1171. So... look, I'll leave, if that's what you want, but...

1172. I just want to say, um... I don't know what I'd do without you.

1173. I mean, you're, like, the only way that I can get through the day.

1174. Every night before I go to sleep, I check to see if you texted me.

1175. I mean, you were the one who told me to stop wearing white socks with black pants.

1176. It's not a good look.

1177. You give me raisins in third period so my blood sugar doesn't go low.

1178. You don't eat properly.

1179. You download Hall And Oates songs onto my phone.

1180. That started as a joke, but now I like them.

1181. - Me too. - I love H&O.

1182. Look, today has been terrible, Gabrielle, each version of it,

1183. but it's been worth it because today's the day I finally realized how much I like you.

1184. And now all I want to do is just sit... several feet away from you

1185. and watch the spelling bee.

1186. But I obviously ruined all that, so...

1187. I'm just going to leave the way I came in and hope I get another shot.

1188. Oh, shit. So, um...

1189. you're at that age. You're gonna start having feelings.

1190. Dad, I'd really be more comfortable talking to mom about this.

1191. Great. She'll be home later. Okay.

1192. Okay, just go... go ahead and jump. Just count to three and do it.

1193. Yeah, but you're gonna want to tuck and roll when you hit.

1194. Go for a break, not a sprain. Heals faster.

1195. That's reassuring. Okay, three...

1196. two...

1197. You want to watch the rest of the spelling bee?

1198. Yeah.

1199. Can you help me up now, please?

1200. - Yeah. Yes. I can. - Thank you.

1201. What did I tell you?

1202. Love is alive!

1203. Use it in a sentence?

1204. - This one looks young. - Yeah, yeah. It's his first bee, so...

1205. Is the language of origin French?

1206. Origin. That is a great stall. Don't spell it till you know it.

1207. Oh, no. He's imploding.

1208. - Oh, God. I can't watch. - Oh, don't be such a pussy. Come on.

1209. - Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not gonna watch it. - Come on! Don't be s... oh, wow!

1210. No, okay, you know what? That's really bad.

1211. Unfortunately, you've gone over your allotted time.

1212. You must leave the stage.

1213. Does anyone know where his mother is?

1214. I've liked you since we first met.

1215. - When I had my lisp? - Yes.

1216. I was gonna tell you tonight, and then I was hoping that the beer would help

1217. and not make me burp.

1218. I was always hoping we'd be each other's firsts.

1219. Me too.

1220. What do you think's going on in there?

1221. I think... it feels kind of weird.

1222. Shush. Do you hear that?

1223. This feels awkward.

1224. I feel... I feel unusually comfortable.

1225. Okay.

1226. - Should we? - Yes.

1227. I mean, like, now?

1228. Okay, but you should know I haven't had the best luck with...

1229. Rob, just try and relax.

1230. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.

1231. I... I'm sorry. I'm...

1232. Rob? What happened?

1233. I mean, besides the obvious.

1234. I'm not in my bed.

1235. I'm in your bed.

1236. And my mom's not here.

1237. - Do you need raisins? - No.

1238. I don't need anything.

1239. I am right where I'm supposed to be.

1240. - You know what? - What?

1241. We should have done something like this sooner.

1242. I've always wanted to.

1243. Let's try it again.

1244. That is a wrap! We have a champion!

1245. Yay!

1246. So, why do you want to go to Georgetown?

1247. George who?

1248. Smart. Beautiful. You're exactly what Georgetown needs.

1249. - Are you married? - No. Not anymore.

1250. My wife is dead.

1251. She curb-stomped my genitals. With her shoes.

1252. You should have punched her in the pussy.

1253. - Harder! - Do it!

1254. Give her a tit bruise!

1255. Give her a tit bruise!

1256. Squeeze her tit until milk comes out!

1257. Hi, daddy. Fucking... No, I can do this.

1258. Hi, daddy. Welcome to my pu pu platter.

1259. Fuck.

1260. I'll do anything. Anything.

1261. Put my finger in my butt and make me pump it.

1262. I help you jerk off. I make you explode.

1263. Do me doggie style and then we can eat dog.

1264. I've had, like, seven orgasms so far today.

1265. Seven?

1266. That's three more than me.

1267. Seven?

1268. You have to come to Georgetown.

1269. You can make a lot of money, young man.

1270. That is so... wow. Is that selling it?