1. Congratulations, Nabi.Copy !req
2. We are at the doorstep
of our martyrdom.Copy !req
3. Praise Allah.Copy !req
4. Praise him!Copy !req
5. Soon we will be greeted
by Allah, the one true god,Copy !req
6. and by the cheers
of our forefathersCopy !req
7. and by 99 perfect virginsCopy !req
8. who will worship us
for all eternity!Copy !req
9. I thought it was 100.Copy !req
10. What's that?Copy !req
11. 100 virgins...
They promised me 100.Copy !req
12. 99, 100...
What's the difference?Copy !req
13. If they're telling you one thing
and they're telling me another,Copy !req
14. maybe they don't know for sure.Copy !req
15. Maybe.Copy !req
16. Maybe the exact number
of virgins is not precise.Copy !req
17. I mean, if it's in the 90s,
I can live with that.Copy !req
18. Or 75.Copy !req
19. Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?Copy !req
20. Well...Copy !req
21. What if it's 10, but we have
to split them between us?Copy !req
22. Then you'll have
five more virginsCopy !req
23. than you have right now, right?Copy !req
24. We're talking
about eternity here!Copy !req
25. How long will five virgins
last you... maybe a month?Copy !req
26. They're not going to be virgins
for long, right?Copy !req
27. Look, would it make
you feel betterCopy !req
28. if we called the big guy?Copy !req
29. Yes.Copy !req
30. - Take the stick.
- Okay.Copy !req
31. It's ringing.Copy !req
32. Osama, yes, it's Asif.Copy !req
33. No, we're on it.Copy !req
34. It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?Copy !req
35. What are you going to do?Copy !req
36. Anyway, look,
Nabi has a question.Copy !req
37. Will you talk to him?Copy !req
38. No!Copy !req
39. You do it!Copy !req
40. Hello!Copy !req
41. Yes.Copy !req
42. Uh, it's about the virgins.Copy !req
43. Really?Copy !req
44. It was 100 when I signed up.Copy !req
45. He said
it's not that many anymore.Copy !req
46. Too many martyrs
in the first go-around.Copy !req
47. You've got to be kidding me.
Does he know where we are here?Copy !req
48. Give me the phone.Copy !req
49. Take the stick.Copy !req
50. Osama, it's Asif.Copy !req
51. Right now, can you tell me
the number, absolutely,Copy !req
52. that you can guarantee
Nabi and myself,Copy !req
53. as far as virgins are concerned?Copy !req
54. No, that's fine.Copy !req
55. Do it!Copy !req
56. Come on, man!Copy !req
57. He can't guarantee more than 20.Copy !req
58. Open the goddamn door,
you bastards!Copy !req
59. We're gonna fucking
kill you, you motherfucker!Copy !req
60. Lying pieces of shit!Copy !req
61. - Open the door!
- Open this fucker!Copy !req
62. Screw this, right?Copy !req
63. I'm glad you said it first.Copy !req
64. Okay, get on the intercom
to the passengers.Copy !req
65. We are changing course
for the Bahamas.Copy !req
66. Bahamas!Copy !req
67. We're going to the Bahamas!Copy !req
68. in response to the epidemic
of border crossingCopy !req
69. Arizona governor Custon
in cooperation with the NRACopy !req
70. announced a revolutionary new
weapon in the war on immigrationCopy !req
71. The newly installed immigration
disincentive devices, or IDD's,Copy !req
72. can fire up to 200 rounds of armor-piercing
ammunition in under 10 secondsCopy !req
73. making Arizona's southern border
among the nations safest.Copy !req
74. Liberal judges in MassachusettsCopy !req
75. have again expanded
the definition of marriage,Copy !req
76. this time to include any union
between a man and a woman,Copy !req
77. a man and a man,
a woman and a woman,Copy !req
78. a man and a collie,Copy !req
79. or a woman, a polish sausage,
and a long weekend.Copy !req
80. the standoff with Mr. CruiseCopy !req
81. has now stretched
into its eighth day.Copy !req
82. Cruise continues to insist
that police are violatingCopy !req
83. his parental
and religious freedoms,Copy !req
84. citing human sacrifice
as essential...Copy !req
85. Today on
"Good Morning Paradise,"Copy !req
86. mayoral candidate Eugene WellsCopy !req
87. joins us to talk about
the new political landscape,Copy !req
88. and the newest toy craze
of the year...Copy !req
89. Krotchy dolls.Copy !req
90. Stay tuned. It's gonna be
a super-dupe show.Copy !req
91. Turn down that fucking TV!Copy !req
92. I can't hear my show.Copy !req
93. Yeah, nothing's good on anyway.Copy !req
94. Just, uh, preparing
for my interview.Copy !req
95. Fight!Copy !req
96. Aw, you fight like a pussy.Copy !req
97. No one's gonna hire
your sorry ass.Copy !req
98. Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?Copy !req
99. God damn it!Copy !req
100. What the hell
is going on out there?Copy !req
101. Nothing.Copy !req
102. Make sure you pick up
that welfare check!Copy !req
103. Kiss, kiss, sweetie pie...Copy !req
104. Come on!Copy !req
105. Come on!Copy !req
106. No.Copy !req
107. Bad boy.
Bad boy.Copy !req
108. I told you:
No poopies in our yard.Copy !req
109. No poopies in this yard.Copy !req
110. You only poop in
the next-door neighbor's yard.Copy !req
111. Feces in the yard.Copy !req
112. That's a violationCopy !req
113. of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.Copy !req
114. Stop eating the poop.Copy !req
115. I'll add that to the list.Copy !req
116. The list?Copy !req
117. The list. Great. The list.
What else?Copy !req
118. What else you got on the list?Copy !req
119. Ordinance number 143-11.Copy !req
120. Yesterday around lunchtime.Copy !req
121. Now, I don't care what you two
do in your own bedroom,Copy !req
122. but ordinance number 143-11Copy !req
123. says if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 A.M.,Copy !req
124. I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,Copy !req
125. which is
exactly what I'm gonna do!Copy !req
126. Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
127. Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.Copy !req
128. Oh, for your information,
hillbilly,Copy !req
129. I wasn't even here
yesterday afternoon.Copy !req
130. I hate this town.Copy !req
131. - Matt!
- Whatever!Copy !req
132. This fucking sucks.Copy !req
133. Morning folks!Copy !req
134. Eugene Welles.
Running for mayor, folks.Copy !req
135. Like to share
a few facts with you.Copy !req
136. The world's leading producer
of child pornographyCopy !req
137. is located in the basement
of the Pentagon.Copy !req
138. The big three television networksCopy !req
139. are all owned and operated
by a right-wing church in Atlanta.Copy !req
140. One in every ten people in AmericaCopy !req
141. - ... is on the payroll of the CIA.
- Bullshit.Copy !req
142. How could these things happen
in a freedom loving country you ask?Copy !req
143. Because we have become
a nation of sheep.Copy !req
144. But I am here to give
America a new direction.Copy !req
145. And a new political party.Copy !req
146. The party of Fuck You!Copy !req
147. Damn right!Copy !req
148. Hey, hello?Copy !req
149. You, professor.Copy !req
150. What is this, a reading library?Copy !req
151. Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes, buddy.Copy !req
152. Ah, no "two minutes" now.Copy !req
153. You buy now, or bye-bye.Copy !req
154. Bye-dee now now.Copy !req
155. Ah, go on, bye-bye.
Go on.Copy !req
156. Bye-bye.
You bye-bye.Copy !req
157. - Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Hey.Copy !req
158. Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.Copy !req
159. Daddy, Mohammed says he needs
to talk to you again.Copy !req
160. What about?Copy !req
161. What else?Copy !req
162. Okay, so, what did she say
about me exactly?Copy !req
163. That slut.Copy !req
164. My brother.Copy !req
165. Any police come around today?
Anything suspicious?Copy !req
166. No, nothing, Mohammed.Copy !req
167. Trust me...Copy !req
168. you are safely hidden here
for as long as you want.Copy !req
169. Well, that may not
be for much longer.Copy !req
170. Oh?Copy !req
171. We have news from Afghanistan.Copy !req
172. News? Oh.Copy !req
173. It is all coming together.Copy !req
174. The shipment
left three days ago.Copy !req
175. Oh.Copy !req
176. Praise Allah.Copy !req
177. When, uh, will be it here?Copy !req
178. Tomorrow!Copy !req
179. The time has come for us
to place our swordsCopy !req
180. to the genitals of the infidels.Copy !req
181. I see you noticed the heads...Copy !req
182. Motivational.Copy !req
183. Those are every fucking bastardCopy !req
184. that I had to climb over
to get this job.Copy !req
185. Jesus.Copy !req
186. Foul.
They're paper-mache.Copy !req
187. They're...
He thought they were real.Copy !req
188. Sit down.Copy !req
189. Let's get started.Copy !req
190. So, I hope you don't mi...Copy !req
191. I hope you don't mind
the recording.Copy !req
192. Uh, we're gonna use it
as training later.Copy !req
193. Ready?Copy !req
194. Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's good.Copy !req
195. What the fuck is wrong with you?Copy !req
196. It's, uh...
The chair is actually...Copy !req
197. All right,
we're on a time clock,Copy !req
198. So let's get started, shall we?Copy !req
199. Yes, sir.Copy !req
200. Good.Copy !req
201. Well...Copy !req
202. Um, so, I'm here
for the job, sir.Copy !req
203. Right.
You're a factory worker.Copy !req
204. I was.Copy !req
205. I was a factory worker, but
the factory got closed down,Copy !req
206. so I got laid off, and...Copy !req
207. I've interviewed 15 other people
for this job.Copy !req
208. What makes you think
you're better than them?Copy !req
209. Well, I don't know
if I am better than them.Copy !req
210. Well, god damn it, pal.Copy !req
211. If you want this job, you better
reach out and grab it.Copy !req
212. You better put
those fucking heads on the wall.Copy !req
213. You know what? Fuck it.
Let's go to the questions.Copy !req
214. What is your greatest strength?Copy !req
215. Um...Copy !req
216. I'm a really good team player.Copy !req
217. Wrong.Copy !req
218. What is your biggest weakness?Copy !req
219. Um, I'd say I work too hard.Copy !req
220. Wrong.Copy !req
221. How would you move a
mountain using only a spoon?Copy !req
222. A spoon?Copy !req
223. If you were in a box,
how would you think outside it?Copy !req
224. Uh, it's...
Well, if you're in a...Copy !req
225. Wrong.Copy !req
226. Last question...Copy !req
227. What is
the difference between a duck?Copy !req
228. And?Copy !req
229. What the hell
is wrong with you people?Copy !req
230. A d... a wh... duck?Copy !req
231. I don't...
I came here for a job, a job!Copy !req
232. As far as I know, that jobCopy !req
233. has nothing to do with a
cock sucking, motherfucking duck!Copy !req
234. Remarkable, isn't he?Copy !req
235. Yes.Copy !req
236. Congratulations, pal.Copy !req
237. You're our leading candidate.
How does it feel?Copy !req
238. It feels good.Copy !req
239. No, no, no, no, no.
How's it feel?Copy !req
240. How does it feel?Copy !req
241. I mean, how does it feelCopy !req
242. to put fucking 15 heads
on that wall?Copy !req
243. I'll tell you how it feels.Copy !req
244. It feels fucking great,
doesn't it?Copy !req
245. Fucking great, like...Copy !req
246. So, I got it?
I got the job?Copy !req
247. Oh, hell, no.
No, no, no.Copy !req
248. This was just a like
a getting-to-know-you interview.Copy !req
249. Oh, yeah, no, no, we have...Copy !req
250. - We have a couple of more...
- One hundred and twenty.Copy !req
251. Yeah, we have some, uh, more...
More candidates to talk to.Copy !req
252. But hell of a start, though. Absolutely.Copy !req
253. Last thing before you go...Copy !req
254. I'd like you to sing
the company fight song.Copy !req
255. It's not a flag,
it's a companyCopy !req
256. a high-flying companyCopy !req
257. and it will cheerfully
work you to deathCopy !req
258. by the time you are old,
the pension is soldCopy !req
259. and your cube
will be your casketCopy !req
260. it's a company,
a high-flying companyCopy !req
261. now please get back to workCopy !req
262. We'll get back to you.Copy !req
263. I hate this town.Copy !req
264. Brothers and sisters...Copy !req
265. You have waited.Copy !req
266. You have been tested.Copy !req
267. And now your wishes
have been answered.Copy !req
268. I am proud
to introduce to you the one.Copy !req
269. Hold up your energies
for Uncle Dave!Copy !req
270. Good group, good group.Copy !req
271. Welcome to the Denomination
of Organic Monotheism.Copy !req
272. I congratulate you all on taking
the first step to freedomCopy !req
273. by completing
your training program.Copy !req
274. Obviously, you've come
to the correct conclusionCopy !req
275. that the American dream
is not a dream for you.Copy !req
276. That's right!Copy !req
277. In fact...Copy !req
278. it is a nightmare...Copy !req
279. yeah!Copy !req
280. A nightmare that soon
will be engulfedCopy !req
281. in the all-encompassing flames
of God's damnation!Copy !req
282. Yeah!Copy !req
283. Pious people in the house,
say, "oh!"Copy !req
284. Who loves God?Copy !req
285. - We do!
- We do!Copy !req
286. David?Copy !req
287. Oh, yeah.
Initiation.Copy !req
288. I love this part.Copy !req
289. No, no, Richie, no, no,
this is...Copy !req
290. this is just... this
is just inner-sanctum stuff,Copy !req
291. strictly ritualistic.Copy !req
292. Uh, Uncle Dave, uh,
sorry to bother you,Copy !req
293. but we've got some rather
important business.Copy !req
294. The girls...
They need to go.Copy !req
295. Okay.Copy !req
296. Children, it appears
that Brother Richard hereCopy !req
297. has to, uh, commingle
our... our energies.Copy !req
298. Sweetie... sweetie...Copy !req
299. Let's go.
Come on, ladies, move.Copy !req
300. There we go.Copy !req
301. But I want more communion.Copy !req
302. Oh, we'll do communion,
I promise.Copy !req
303. It's my favorite meal
of the day.Copy !req
304. - Don't worry about it.
- That's nice.Copy !req
305. - Now go.
- Oh, hello.Copy !req
306. God bless it.Copy !req
307. Ah, Richie, what the fuck is it?
What's the problem?Copy !req
308. We're having somethingCopy !req
309. of a cash-flow problem.Copy !req
310. What the fuck
you talking about, Richie?Copy !req
311. Did you see all those recruits
out there today?Copy !req
312. It's true.Copy !req
313. Membership and donations
are at an all-time high,Copy !req
314. and we got more tail running
around here than the...Copy !req
315. Than the Playboy Mansion,
but it's...Copy !req
316. Yeah? So?
Then what's the problem, Rich?Copy !req
317. Well...Copy !req
318. it's the IRS.Copy !req
319. Yeah?
Well, what do they want?Copy !req
320. Uh, it seems we haven't paid
our taxes in three years.Copy !req
321. So what, man?Copy !req
322. I tried to explain, of course,Copy !req
323. that with our continued expectation
of the end of the world,Copy !req
324. it's difficult
to justify contributingCopy !req
325. to long-term programs like
Medicare or Social Security,Copy !req
326. but, um...Copy !req
327. apparently even
a selective tax paymentCopy !req
328. is not an option.Copy !req
329. Oh, come on, Richie, you know
I don't like to micromanage.Copy !req
330. What the fuck do we do
about this, all right?Copy !req
331. - Well...
- Huh?Copy !req
332. What's your plan?Copy !req
333. We pay them or, uh...Copy !req
334. We pay them,
or everything is all over...Copy !req
335. The weenie whacking,
the pantless parties,Copy !req
336. the tacos, everything.Copy !req
337. And you...
you go to jail.Copy !req
338. So, how much do we owe?Copy !req
339. $1.3 million and 79 cents.Copy !req
340. Oh, fuck, Rich.Copy !req
341. Oh, d-d-don't despair,
Uncle Dave.Copy !req
342. When the government
slams the doors shut,Copy !req
343. G-O-D always opens
a window.Copy !req
344. That's a beautifully
retarded sentiment, Richie.Copy !req
345. Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to be alone.Copy !req
346. You want me to call
the girls in?Copy !req
347. - Nah, really alone.
- No?Copy !req
348. Really alone?Copy !req
349. Okay.Copy !req
350. I'll get the porn.Copy !req
351. No. No, no, Richie.Copy !req
352. - Nothing?
- Nothing.Copy !req
353. Really?Copy !req
354. Yeah, I don't want
any kind of sex right now.Copy !req
355. - You won't even let me stay?
- No, Richie. Please get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
356. Alright.Copy !req
357. Well, if you need me,
I'm in the other room.Copy !req
358. It seems pretty unlikely, Rich.Copy !req
359. Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy
dolls can't meet the demand,Copy !req
360. And parents and
children alike have beenCopy !req
361. lining up for weeks to
get their hands on them.Copy !req
362. We'll be back in two minutes.
See you then.Copy !req
363. I prey on the innocentCopy !req
364. living on the grindCopy !req
365. tryin' to get a dollar
out of 15 centsCopy !req
366. Hey, yo, hi.Copy !req
367. Come here.
Help me out with a few bucks.Copy !req
368. Yeah, I... I don't have
any money.Copy !req
369. Come on.
Come on, I'm serious.Copy !req
370. Come over here.Copy !req
371. I need a few bucks to get a bus
to go see my kids.Copy !req
372. I... yo, I don't have...Copy !req
373. - Sorry, I don't have any money.
- Hey, come here.Copy !req
374. Come here.
I want to talk... come here.Copy !req
375. Get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
376. I'm sick and tired
of people like you, you know?Copy !req
377. You got a good job.
You got a big car.Copy !req
378. You got everything,
and I got nothing.Copy !req
379. Well, fuck you,Copy !req
380. And fuck everybody
who even looks like you!Copy !req
381. Get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
382. I'll fucking knock you out, pal.Copy !req
383. It's green.Copy !req
384. Look, you can make the light!Copy !req
385. Hey!Copy !req
386. You can make the light!Copy !req
387. Come on, bitch!Copy !req
388. God damn.Copy !req
389. She could have made
the fucking light.Copy !req
390. She forget her glass.Copy !req
391. - You say "glass"?
- Yes.Copy !req
392. You say "glass," you
frankfurt-eating motherfucker?Copy !req
393. I bought all these goddamn English CD'sCopy !req
394. For you to say fucking "glass"?Copy !req
395. It's "glasses."Copy !req
396. You fucking foreigners
come over here,Copy !req
397. and you fuck up the language,Copy !req
398. and this bitch
is fucking up the traffic!Copy !req
399. - Calm down, Greg.
- You fucking calm down!Copy !req
400. This flat-ass bitch
comes over here,Copy !req
401. she takes over
the convenience stores,Copy !req
402. and they eat up
all our goddamn dogs!Copy !req
403. Go and help her.
Come on.Copy !req
404. You're right.Copy !req
405. I'm trippin'.Copy !req
406. I'll just get out of the car
and make sure she's doing okay.Copy !req
407. She's an old lady.Copy !req
408. I feel bad now.Copy !req
409. Hi.
The light is green.Copy !req
410. The light is green.Copy !req
411. You could have
went through the light.Copy !req
412. The light turned gr...
What did you say?Copy !req
413. What'd you say, bitch?Copy !req
414. Why don't you stir-fry that?Copy !req
415. Holy fuck!Copy !req
416. Damn!Copy !req
417. Yeah, that'll get her moving!Copy !req
418. Man.Copy !req
419. What happened over there?Copy !req
420. I think she called me nigger.Copy !req
421. Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?Copy !req
422. Yeah.Copy !req
423. One date with me,Copy !req
424. she'll look like she's been hit
with a mayonnaise truck.Copy !req
425. That's right, Mr. Stickum.Copy !req
426. Yeah, I hope she comes back.Copy !req
427. - Uhm, hi.
- Hi!Copy !req
428. Yeah, I just ordered this
and there's uh...Copy !req
429. There's vanilla in it.Copy !req
430. Oh, okay. I put vanilla in
because you'd said "put the vanilla in".Copy !req
431. So, you know...Copy !req
432. I hate vanilla.Copy !req
433. Oh weird that you said
that then, I'll just chuck it.Copy !req
434. Do you want something else?
What can I getcha?Copy !req
435. - Yes, please. I would like...
- What's that?Copy !req
436. I'm gonna be ready with you
guys in two seconds.Copy !req
437. Your order's actually up, so...Copy !req
438. You know what? You wanna decide
while I grab their stuff?Copy !req
439. - Uh, yeah. Sure.
- Yeah, let's do that!Copy !req
440. Well, I tried Scientology
and then I tried Kabbalah.Copy !req
441. But it just didn't click
with me, you know?Copy !req
442. I mean, you have a lot more
fun when you're famous.Copy !req
443. So I figured, maybe
I give Muslimism a try.Copy !req
444. See if that fills me up.Copy !req
445. You're all so passionate and...Copy !req
446. Jihad.Copy !req
447. - Thank you.
- Abdul!Copy !req
448. - Oh. Okay, yeah.
- Abdul! Abdul!Copy !req
449. Yeah.Copy !req
450. Thank you.Copy !req
451. Okay.Copy !req
452. - All set?
- Yes.Copy !req
453. - What do you got?
- I will have a medium...Copy !req
454. No, you know what?
I'm gonna have a large.Copy !req
455. I'll have a large mocha.Copy !req
456. - Okay.
- No.Copy !req
457. No, you know what?
Maybe a... maybe a vanilla.Copy !req
458. Okay.Copy !req
459. What do you think
goes better with bagels?Copy !req
460. You had 10 minutes
to make up your fucking mind!Copy !req
461. What is it with you people?
Can somebody please tell me?Copy !req
462. I mean, we sell coffee.
That's it, nothing else.Copy !req
463. You're not buying a car,
I mean, right?Copy !req
464. Make a fucking decision, huh?
How about it?Copy !req
465. I know.
Here we go.Copy !req
466. You're gonna have
a regular coffee.Copy !req
467. Careful... the beverage you're
about to enjoy is extremely hot.Copy !req
468. Next?Copy !req
469. Uh...Copy !req
470. What?Copy !req
471. I, um...Copy !req
472. Two lattes, no foam, please.Copy !req
473. I can't believe this is the first
time you've ever been here.Copy !req
474. I mean, all these fucking idiots
calling me Uncle Dave,Copy !req
475. And here I am...
I actually am your Uncle Dave.Copy !req
476. Yeah.Copy !req
477. So, when was the last time
I saw you?Copy !req
478. The bachelor party,
right before the wedding night.Copy !req
479. Oh, fuck, yeah, right.
That was fun.Copy !req
480. I wonder
if that donkey survived.Copy !req
481. Well, what do you think
of the place?Copy !req
482. Ah, it's... it's amazing.Copy !req
483. Yeah. I kind of owe it
all to you, you know?Copy !req
484. Me?Copy !req
485. Well, we always talkedCopy !req
486. - about running a con like this, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
487. You know,
about how gullible people are,Copy !req
488. how they'll believe anythingCopy !req
489. if you just tell it to them
a couple of times?Copy !req
490. Anyway, I just took all that
talk, put it into action,Copy !req
491. pushed it to the next level,
and...Copy !req
492. here I fucking am.Copy !req
493. Man.Copy !req
494. I just can't believe it,
you know?Copy !req
495. Yeah.Copy !req
496. You know, it's funny you showing
up here like this, you know,Copy !req
497. 'cause I find myself in a...
In a financial situation.Copy !req
498. And I have a plan
for getting out of it,Copy !req
499. But I could use a partner.Copy !req
500. Uh, no.
No, no, no.Copy !req
501. I know where this is going,
Uncle Dave.Copy !req
502. I... I don't do
that type of shit anymore.Copy !req
503. Come on, it'd be like old times.Copy !req
504. Remember when we stole the flag
from the Governor's Mansion?Copy !req
505. Twice.Copy !req
506. Yeah.Copy !req
507. And this plan is foolproof, man.Copy !req
508. I got arrested the second time.Copy !req
509. Well, that plan
wasn't foolproof.Copy !req
510. Yeah, they prosecuted meCopy !req
511. under the new flag protection amendment,Copy !req
512. and with that on my record,Copy !req
513. I couldn't get into a good
college or get a good job or...Copy !req
514. I pretty much just play
by the rules.Copy !req
515. Look, man, nobody plays
by the rules, all right?Copy !req
516. You bend them,
or you break them.Copy !req
517. Anything else
is just slow death.Copy !req
518. Yeah, that's what it feels like.Copy !req
519. Yeah.Copy !req
520. All right, well, fuck it, man.Copy !req
521. I never push you
to do anything, right?Copy !req
522. - I always let you go your own way.
- Yeah.Copy !req
523. Besides, it's working out great
for you, right?Copy !req
524. I mean, you got the beautiful
wife, the nice home.Copy !req
525. If you change your mind, though,
you let me know.Copy !req
526. Here, have a souvenir ashtray.Copy !req
527. Thanks.Copy !req
528. Now, you're gonna get a
welfare check for $168, right?Copy !req
529. Fuck you, man.Copy !req
530. You give me that check,Copy !req
531. I'll give you $250 worth
of food stamps.Copy !req
532. You understand what I'm saying?
Major profit there.Copy !req
533. This is a good deal, pal.
It's a fucking great deal.Copy !req
534. Shit.Copy !req
535. That's $82.Copy !req
536. $82. You're good at math.Copy !req
537. Hey, that's you.
You're next.Copy !req
538. Here, use my pen.Copy !req
539. Use my pen
and don't forget to date it.Copy !req
540. 23-6.Copy !req
541. Hey, have you heard
that since the United StatesCopy !req
542. has closed their borders they're
getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?Copy !req
543. I don't understand you.Copy !req
544. All that scrap copper's
gonna be for sale.Copy !req
545. I don't want copper!
You go away!Copy !req
546. Wrong form.Copy !req
547. What?Copy !req
548. Wrong form!Copy !req
549. Look, I don't care
what form I have, all right?Copy !req
550. I'm not leaving here
until I get my money!Copy !req
551. Buddy, come on.
Hey, buddy, let's go.Copy !req
552. Come on.Copy !req
553. Where's the pen?
Where's my pen?Copy !req
554. Hey, come here.
He's got my pen.Copy !req
555. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
556. Down! Down!
Shit!Copy !req
557. Fuck me!Copy !req
558. Help me!Copy !req
559. Oh, my god!Copy !req
560. Just get down!
Get down!Copy !req
561. That does it!Copy !req
562. Don't do it!
Don't do it!Copy !req
563. Don't do it!
Don't do it!Copy !req
564. Don't do it!Copy !req
565. I need backup!Copy !req
566. Sweet.Copy !req
567. More fucking backup!Copy !req
568. Number 25!Copy !req
569. Right here.Copy !req
570. Here.
Right here.Copy !req
571. Sorry, we're closed.Copy !req
572. My baby!Copy !req
573. Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
574. Oh, yes!Copy !req
575. Come on!Copy !req
576. Give it to me, daddy.Copy !req
577. Give it to your bad girl.Copy !req
578. Oh, yes!
Give it to me!Copy !req
579. Oh, yes!Copy !req
580. I'll be back in a second,
sweet cheeks.Copy !req
581. Hi, neighbor.Copy !req
582. Guess I won't be needing
that grievance after all, huh?Copy !req
583. Okay.Copy !req
584. Got to find the wet spot.Copy !req
585. Leave the welfare check
on the counter.Copy !req
586. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
587. There. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
588. Oh!Copy !req
589. Give it to me, you stud.Copy !req
590. Yes.Copy !req
591. Oh!
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
592. Yes!Copy !req
593. Get me a large bottle
of cooking oil.Copy !req
594. The extra-virgin kind!Copy !req
595. Oh, yes!
Yes!Copy !req
596. Oh, yes!Copy !req
597. Oh!Copy !req
598. Please, Uncle Dave, please,
just a few hundred bucks,Copy !req
599. just... just enough to get me
out of this fuckhole townCopy !req
600. for the rest of my life, please?Copy !req
601. Hey, sport.Copy !req
602. Last chance.
Come on.Copy !req
603. Help me out with a few bucks.Copy !req
604. I don't have anything.Copy !req
605. Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, huh?Copy !req
606. What, do you think I'm stupid
or something, huh?Copy !req
607. Listen, you're not gonna help me
out, I'll help out myself.Copy !req
608. Open up the wallet.Copy !req
609. Dude, who you talking to?Copy !req
610. No.Copy !req
611. Let go of my gun.
What's the matter with you?Copy !req
612. Bro, you still there?Copy !req
613. Hey, bro?Copy !req
614. Hey, while I got you,
I got to ask you...Copy !req
615. What do you think of those...
Those mileage rewards programs?Copy !req
616. - What's the matter with you? Let go.
- No!Copy !req
617. You know, I thought you could
use those miles anytimeCopy !req
618. To get tickets, right?Copy !req
619. But, you know, I tried, and
you can't use them at Christmas.Copy !req
620. - Last chance.
- No.Copy !req
621. - Give me the gun!
- No.Copy !req
622. Aw, shit, sport.Copy !req
623. It's like at every holiday
it's blacked out.Copy !req
624. Like, anytime you want to use the
fucking thing, it's blacked out.Copy !req
625. That's bullshit, isn't it?Copy !req
626. - Dave?
- Yeah?Copy !req
627. I'm in.Copy !req
628. You are?Copy !req
629. Oh, fuck, that's great, man.Copy !req
630. But you know what?Copy !req
631. You caught me at kind of
a busy time right now, so, uh...Copy !req
632. We, the people under Allah,Copy !req
633. give you a new beacon
of strengthCopy !req
634. against the great Satan
of the West.Copy !req
635. They believe we are weakened,Copy !req
636. but in only a few days,Copy !req
637. we will strike a blow against
America so swift and terribleCopy !req
638. that the evil ones will collapse
once and for all.Copy !req
639. We are asking those
of the true faithCopy !req
640. to wait, pray,Copy !req
641. and praise Allah when
the glorious slaughter begins.Copy !req
642. And cut!Copy !req
643. Wonderful scene, Sammy.
Just wonderful!Copy !req
644. You truly outdid yourself
this time.Copy !req
645. You... you hold the screen.Copy !req
646. You... you are forceful,
yet unbelievable.Copy !req
647. I almost cried
in the middle there.Copy !req
648. You have
such a... a star quality.Copy !req
649. You can't put it into words.
You are a true superstar.Copy !req
650. Your voice...Copy !req
651. Your eyes...
They were popping.Copy !req
652. What?Copy !req
653. Don't you know
I'm lactose intolerant?Copy !req
654. Are you trying to kill me?Copy !req
655. Who writes this shit?Copy !req
656. They're not listening anymore,
Mohammed.Copy !req
657. I tell them
about Allah and glory.Copy !req
658. And what do I get?
What do I get every damn time?Copy !req
659. Virgins.Copy !req
660. Ding ding ding ding ding ding.Copy !req
661. Nobody wants to die anymore
unless they get virgins.Copy !req
662. But no one has to die this time.Copy !req
663. That is genius of the shipment.Copy !req
664. Ooh, the shipment!Copy !req
665. Ooh, big whoop!Copy !req
666. What is it this time...
More Anthrax?Copy !req
667. Sammy, Sammy...Copy !req
668. Why do you have to be like that?Copy !req
669. Remember the thing with
the planes a few years back?Copy !req
670. Do you remember that, hmm?Copy !req
671. Do you remember that?
Come on, do you remember that?Copy !req
672. Child's play!Copy !req
673. Tomorrow is
when we really make our mark...Copy !req
674. You, me...Copy !req
675. and the shipment
of Krotchy dolls.Copy !req
676. I'm gonna go watch "Oprah."Copy !req
677. She's looking good these days.Copy !req
678. The diet is working.Copy !req
679. I will do anything it takes to
get the fuck out of Paradise...Copy !req
680. Anything, anything!Copy !req
681. Okay.Copy !req
682. Take me up the ass.Copy !req
683. Just kidding.Copy !req
684. No, no, here, here.Copy !req
685. You know these things?Copy !req
686. - Krotchy dolls?
- Yeah.Copy !req
687. Yeah.Copy !req
688. Biggest show on TV, number one.Copy !req
689. Oh, and the guy
who does the voice for it...Copy !req
690. He's some big
international star, right?Copy !req
691. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.Copy !req
692. All that mattersCopy !req
693. is everybody wants one
of those dolls, right?Copy !req
694. But, sadly...Copy !req
695. the Chinese tanker
bringing them over here sank.Copy !req
696. They were able to save
about 100,000 dolls.Copy !req
697. Unfortunately, none of the crew
was rescued.Copy !req
698. So, what,
there's not enough dolls?Copy !req
699. Check this out, man.Copy !req
700. One of these dolls
sold at auction this morningCopy !req
701. for $4,000.Copy !req
702. Fuck me.Copy !req
703. Yeah.Copy !req
704. And...Copy !req
705. And 2,000 times $4,000
times $4,000 is, uh...Copy !req
706. is 8, uh...Copy !req
707. that's like...
No, it's 800...Copy !req
708. No, it's 8...
Well, you move...Copy !req
709. Well, if it's three zeros h...Copy !req
710. You move the decimal back.Copy !req
711. - I don't think... no, well, wait.
- Or...Copy !req
712. It's a fucking lot of money!Copy !req
713. Oh, it's an ass-load
of money.Copy !req
714. Dude, a couple of asses.Copy !req
715. Yeah.Copy !req
716. Okay.Copy !req
717. Okay.Copy !req
718. So, what do you want out of me?Copy !req
719. Come up with the plan.Copy !req
720. 'Cause if you remember
the whole flag-stealing thing,Copy !req
721. that was my plan.Copy !req
722. That sucked.Copy !req
723. It had certain structural flaws.Copy !req
724. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
725. Okay.Copy !req
726. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
727. What we got to do
is we got to...Copy !req
728. - We got to go to little Germany...
- Yeah.Copy !req
729. And we got to break in there,Copy !req
730. and we got to, uh,
get the dolls,Copy !req
731. and we got to... we got
to bring them back here.Copy !req
732. So, we're gonna need
some sort of a, uh...Copy !req
733. truck.Copy !req
734. Truck.
A truck would be good.Copy !req
735. - Uh, one they can't trace back to us.
- Right.Copy !req
736. Yeah.Copy !req
737. You got an idea?Copy !req
738. I got...
Yeah, I got something.Copy !req
739. No, it's gone.Copy !req
740. All 3000 people who died in the World
Trade Center attacks were not heroes.Copy !req
741. They were bankers.Copy !req
742. People who would let nothing stand
in the way of making a quick buck.Copy !req
743. Why are they heroes?
Because they died?Copy !req
744. What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs
who have died in civil wars since 9-11.Copy !req
745. Is a life only of value if the media
are interested in reporting it?Copy !req
746. And you, sir? How many of you
Iraqis have died in the war?Copy !req
747. Oh, leave me alone already.
I'm a U.S. citizen.Copy !req
748. I have the right to peace
and quiet in my homeland.Copy !req
749. You see, a perfect candidate
for a 'Fuck You!'Copy !req
750. Fuck me? Fuck you!Copy !req
751. - Thank you!
- You're welcome.Copy !req
752. That's the kind of American
citizen I'm talking about!Copy !req
753. He knows too much.Copy !req
754. Mohammed, he's crazy.Copy !req
755. He suspects nothing.Copy !req
756. I'm sorry.Copy !req
757. You are a good man, Habib,Copy !req
758. but we are at a critical point
in the plan,Copy !req
759. and we must take no chances.Copy !req
760. No.Copy !req
761. Goodbye, heaven tarts...Copy !req
762. sugar logs...Copy !req
763. powdered flakes and sweetie o's.Copy !req
764. Goodbye, low-calorie
fudge ice cream.Copy !req
765. Allah!Copy !req
766. How much is this?Copy !req
767. Harry!Copy !req
768. You got my money, Harry.Copy !req
769. What you got
for us today, Harry, huh?Copy !req
770. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
771. Harry, come on.Copy !req
772. Ten dollars?Copy !req
773. You've been out here
for two hours and...Copy !req
774. What did I tell you, huh?Copy !req
775. Fives and tens only.Copy !req
776. What kinda retard are you?Copy !req
777. I feed you, I cut
your hair, I bath you...Copy !req
778. every month and this is how you
fucking treat me you sons a bitch?Copy !req
779. Did you talk at me?Copy !req
780. No bath this month,
you son of a bitch.Copy !req
781. You need more water in your diet.Copy !req
782. And look at this, you
still shit in your pants.Copy !req
783. Just call me when you need
to change your diaper.Copy !req
784. I'm working too hard man.Copy !req
785. Now look, tomorrow's a big day.
I need you to look good.Copy !req
786. Alright?Copy !req
787. Ten dollars ain't gonna do it, Harry.Copy !req
788. You're gonna make me at least
twenty-three dollars tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
789. Can you make papa look good, huh?
Can you make papa look good?Copy !req
790. Alright.Copy !req
791. I put some extra nutrients
in your dinner.Copy !req
792. You're gonna like it.Copy !req
793. Let me see.
Come on.Copy !req
794. Good, isn't it?Copy !req
795. All righty, baby.Copy !req
796. Well, uh, good night.Copy !req
797. Big day tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
798. All right.Copy !req
799. What?Copy !req
800. Oh, I'm trippin'.Copy !req
801. Sorry, buddy.Copy !req
802. It does get cold in my garage
late at night.Copy !req
803. All right.Copy !req
804. Night, Harry.Copy !req
805. Welcome to Little Germany
amusement park,Copy !req
806. Entertainment center
for Paradise city.Copy !req
807. Now, tomorrow the major
media event will happen...Copy !req
808. here at stage,Copy !req
809. celebrating the unveiling
of the Krotchy dolls.Copy !req
810. The huge international star
of "The Krotchy Show"Copy !req
811. will be there.Copy !req
812. And that is when we'll strike!Copy !req
813. Dave and I will be in the truck,Copy !req
814. accessing the employee entrance.Copy !req
815. Are you sure that your insider
will be able to get us inside?Copy !req
816. He's both a high-ranking
parking lot managerCopy !req
817. and a loyal member to the flock.Copy !req
818. Now, I noticed...Copy !req
819. there's a lot of security
between the draw-bridge and the store room.Copy !req
820. Now, how do we get
through unnoticed?Copy !req
821. With a distraction.Copy !req
822. We're gonna fuck with the international
superstar's transportation.Copy !req
823. Yeah, by the time he get's there
he's gonna be so royally pissed, man.Copy !req
824. You know how people jump
on a V.I.P. that's pissed off.Copy !req
825. You are a blessing upon us,
my brother.Copy !req
826. It is as it was foretold
in the good book.Copy !req
827. "And then there will come
one amongst them,Copy !req
828. "an apos-tle
who carries within himCopy !req
829. the holy torch
of righteousness."Copy !req
830. "He will lead us out
of the clutches of consumerism."Copy !req
831. You wrote a fucking bible
for these people?Copy !req
832. Group "C" rappels downCopy !req
833. and takes the dolls
from the storeroom.Copy !req
834. Group "E"
must control the perimeter,Copy !req
835. as our intelligence indicatesCopy !req
836. that another organization
may be after the dolls, as well.Copy !req
837. I'll get that.Copy !req
838. Bin Laden.
Hello? It's your dime.Copy !req
839. Osama, you old fucker.Copy !req
840. It's G.W.Copy !req
841. You know how many innocent
people we've had to tortureCopy !req
842. trying to get a lead on you?Copy !req
843. So?
It's not my fault.Copy !req
844. What is it, Georgie?Copy !req
845. I, uh... kind of busy here.Copy !req
846. You know how pops has those
oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?Copy !req
847. I'm wondering if we ought
to file an insurance claim,Copy !req
848. You know,
after the whole thing blows up.Copy !req
849. All right, well,
drop me an e-mail,Copy !req
850. tell me what pipe
you're talking about,Copy !req
851. and I'll blow it
all the way to Mecca.Copy !req
852. We'd really appreciate it.Copy !req
853. I'll ask Laura
to type that up...Copy !req
854. You know,
me and spelling and all.Copy !req
855. All right, later.Copy !req
856. Jihad!Copy !req
857. First they promise me
a private jet.Copy !req
858. Then they send me
a freakin' bus?Copy !req
859. Don't they know
I'm an international superstar?Copy !req
860. Jesus!Copy !req
861. Aw, Jesus.Copy !req
862. Paradise 8 miles?Copy !req
863. God!Copy !req
864. Motherfuckers.Copy !req
865. Shotgun!Copy !req
866. Let's go!Copy !req
867. I'm telling you, Mohammed.Copy !req
868. I know I've seen that gas station before.
We're lost.Copy !req
869. We are not lost.
All gas stations look alike.Copy !req
870. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
871. Will you just pull over
and ask for directions?Copy !req
872. Get off my back!Copy !req
873. You know,
I'm doing my best here, okay?Copy !req
874. I should be driving.Copy !req
875. What, do you think
you're gonna do everything,Copy !req
876. be the face of the organization
and also do the driving?Copy !req
877. What is wrong with you, man?Copy !req
878. .. and we'll have more on the assassination
of mayoral candidate Wells.Copy !req
879. But first...Copy !req
880. I'm here at the theme park
Little GermanyCopy !req
881. with it's owner and controversial
film director Uwe Boll.Copy !req
882. Uwe, you made your fortune turning
video games into hit movies,Copy !req
883. but this theme park
has always been your passion,Copy !req
884. and today is a big day
for Little Germany.Copy !req
885. Absolutely.
I'm totally happyCopy !req
886. that that freighter
went down from ChinaCopy !req
887. with all the Krotchy dolls,Copy !req
888. So we, as the only people
in North AmericaCopy !req
889. having the Krotchy dolls
exclusively here on sale.Copy !req
890. All right,
what is all this shit, man?Copy !req
891. Stupid.Copy !req
892. And where's the coffee?Copy !req
893. - Here's the coffee
- Oh, I'm sorry. You heard me?Copy !req
894. - I'm sorry. Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
895. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
896. Greg, I've been doing a lot
of research about American morality.Copy !req
897. I'm not sure you're doing
the right thing with Harry here.Copy !req
898. Harry? You know how I met Harry?Copy !req
899. You know how I met Harry?Copy !req
900. Me and my dog were
hiking in the hills.Copy !req
901. This fool comes riding
down the hill on his bicycle,Copy !req
902. hits my dog, flies over
the handlebars, breaks his neck.Copy !req
903. - So you took him to the hospital?
- I took my dog to the hospital.Copy !req
904. Harry, I threw him in the trunk
and took him home.Copy !req
905. I mean the motherfucker
almost killed my dog.Copy !req
906. Three days later I came back,
and Harry was still alive.Copy !req
907. And we've been business
partners ever since.Copy !req
908. Ooh, Harry,
it's time to go to work.Copy !req
909. Get your hat on.
Let me see.Copy !req
910. Yeah!Copy !req
911. Watch this. Watch this.Copy !req
912. Say "will work for food"
in German.Copy !req
913. You the shit.Copy !req
914. All right, go on, now.Copy !req
915. All right, no $1s.Copy !req
916. That's my motherfucker
right there.Copy !req
917. Watch out for the flowers.Copy !req
918. You know, I knew this one girl
who thought sperm was medicine.Copy !req
919. All she wanted to do was suck cock.Copy !req
920. And she got three little children, so
she used to put sperm into their bottles.Copy !req
921. To build up their immune system.Copy !req
922. They all got AIDS.Copy !req
923. You think she was gay?
Or they were?Copy !req
924. The pope wears a dress, doesn't he?Copy !req
925. And I'm also happy to have
today here Verne Troyer.Copy !req
926. Who is the star
of my next movie.Copy !req
927. That's right, and your press release says
that that film is "a new paradigm of cinema,Copy !req
928. an epic romance that interweaves stories
from the past, present and futureCopy !req
929. to relay a tale only the heart
can understand".Copy !req
930. That's sounds amazing, what's it called?Copy !req
931. Pong.Copy !req
932. But, Bob, I want to use the situation
for something else also.Copy !req
933. Because, you know,
there are all the rumors outCopy !req
934. that my movies
are financed with Nazi gold.Copy !req
935. And what should I say?
It's true.Copy !req
936. But somebody must do something
with the money.Copy !req
937. Do you know that my father
died in Auschwitz?Copy !req
938. My grandpa died
also in Auschwitz,Copy !req
939. he fell from a watchtower.Copy !req
940. Alright, okay.
Take her away. So...Copy !req
941. Something wrong, Bob?Copy !req
942. I get a little horny here
onstage sometimes,Copy !req
943. if I see a crowd
and all the children.Copy !req
944. Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
945. Master, allow me.Copy !req
946. What about me?Copy !req
947. Do your job.Copy !req
948. Stupid.Copy !req
949. Oh, what, are you gonna fire me?Copy !req
950. For saying "fuck"?Copy !req
951. Well, fucky-fuck-fuck you, Dan.Copy !req
952. I'm the fucking show.
You mind if I go to work now?Copy !req
953. Thank you.Copy !req
954. Five, four...
I got shit in my teeth?Copy !req
955. Thank you.Copy !req
956. Hi, we're live in Little Germany
in Paradise.Copy !req
957. It's an amazing sight.Copy !req
958. The crowd
is trembling with excitement.Copy !req
959. People have been lining up
for days to be the firstCopy !req
960. to get their hands
on the coveted Krotchy dolls.Copy !req
961. Over to you on the red
carpet, Gayle.Copy !req
962. Thanks, Bob.
It really is incredible here.Copy !req
963. As you know international superstar, Verne
Troyer, will be arriving any moment now.Copy !req
964. He's the voice of Krotchy
in the cartoons and the video game.Copy !req
965. Ladies...Copy !req
966. Today we do God's work,Copy !req
967. so get in there
and give those boys a God job.Copy !req
968. Yes, sir.Copy !req
969. Hi, boys.Copy !req
970. Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.Copy !req
971. Oops.Copy !req
972. Oh, God.Copy !req
973. They're so creepy.Copy !req
974. Yeah, so?Copy !req
975. Come on, boys!Copy !req
976. Can you guys give me a hand?Copy !req
977. Okay.
Let's go.Copy !req
978. Come on, boys.Copy !req
979. Come here.Copy !req
980. Oh, yes!Copy !req
981. Oh, you sexy little
motherfucker.Copy !req
982. Gayle, is that Verne's limo?Copy !req
983. Uh, I can't see, Bob.Copy !req
984. There seems to be a pickup truck
in the way.Copy !req
985. A pickup truck?Copy !req
986. Well, that's classy.Copy !req
987. Yo, man.Copy !req
988. I just can't possibly explain
how... how unbelievably sorryCopy !req
989. we are, Mr. Troyer.Copy !req
990. I personally will take
full responsibilityCopy !req
991. for this confusion
with the pickup.Copy !req
992. I don't want you fired.Copy !req
993. I want your fucking boss fired.Copy !req
994. This is Anne Frank, Go Hitler 2.Copy !req
995. - Copy?
- Ja.Copy !req
996. I'm in position.Copy !req
997. V.I.P. is arriving as we speak.Copy !req
998. Why do you sound all queer?Copy !req
999. I'm using a German
accent, I'm undercover.Copy !req
1000. Stop it!Copy !req
1001. - He's kinda retarded, huh?
- Yeah. He's very loyal.Copy !req
1002. Retards are, really.Copy !req
1003. Ladies.Copy !req
1004. So, what did you
do with the guards?Copy !req
1005. They're all worn out.Copy !req
1006. What happened?Copy !req
1007. What is it?Copy !req
1008. He did a poo-poo in my mouth.Copy !req
1009. Aww, baby. Come here.
Come here, baby. Listen to me.Copy !req
1010. Listen. Listen to me.Copy !req
1011. Don't whine, it's very
unattractive, okay.Copy !req
1012. I tell you this
because I love you.Copy !req
1013. Alright?
There we go, come on.Copy !req
1014. All right.
Okay, ladies.Copy !req
1015. Get to work
on lifting the crates.Copy !req
1016. This is great.
That means that...Copy !req
1017. The whole park is busy
with the pissed-off V.I.P.Copy !req
1018. - That means my plan is genius!
- Yeah.Copy !req
1019. Y'all look very pretty.Copy !req
1020. Come on, cowboy up.
Cowboy up!Copy !req
1021. It's locked.Copy !req
1022. Call the building manager.Copy !req
1023. I don't have his number.
You have his number?Copy !req
1024. I don't have his number?Copy !req
1025. There must be another way in!Copy !req
1026. Where's my money, asswipe?Copy !req
1027. I have even better...Copy !req
1028. Gold teeth.Copy !req
1029. Wait a second,
that one is from Schlomo Wasserstein.Copy !req
1030. I personally took it from him,
I might take it back.Copy !req
1031. Hello, Paradise.Copy !req
1032. Help me, Krotchy.Copy !req
1033. I'm a beautiful lady.
Help me.Copy !req
1034. Well, you know
what the good and noble KrotchyCopy !req
1035. says about people in need.Copy !req
1036. Only my father and
my priest can touch me there.Copy !req
1037. Uncle Dave, look out!Copy !req
1038. What the fuck?Copy !req
1039. Get to the truck.
We'll meet you out front.Copy !req
1040. Come on!Copy !req
1041. Anne Frank, you better have
some chaos out there.Copy !req
1042. We're coming your way!Copy !req
1043. This is Anne Frank.
Abort mission!Copy !req
1044. You come down here,
you'll be arrested in a second!Copy !req
1045. You are the envy
of the entire country.Copy !req
1046. Give us the doll...Copy !req
1047. Anne Frank,
we need a distraction.Copy !req
1048. We need a distraction now!Copy !req
1049. The fat man is at the buffet.Copy !req
1050. What?Copy !req
1051. - Repeat, the fat man is at the buffet.
- What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
1052. The van is here, you idiot.Copy !req
1053. You are the first cityCopy !req
1054. to receive
the officially licensed...Copy !req
1055. Krotchy doll.Copy !req
1056. Oh, powerful lord, hear my plea.Copy !req
1057. Boll, I'm Vince Desi.Copy !req
1058. What the fuck did you do
to my game "Postal"?Copy !req
1059. I don't know
what your fucking problem is.Copy !req
1060. The movie is great.Copy !req
1061. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1062. Officers, you realize there's a huge
fight going on onstage right now?Copy !req
1063. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1064. Okay.Copy !req
1065. Twenty bucks on the ballsack.
Who wants some action?Copy !req
1066. - Yeah, baby!
- I got that.Copy !req
1067. Hold on, wait, wait.Copy !req
1068. Wohlsein!Copy !req
1069. Anne Frank,
we're coming your way now!Copy !req
1070. Party's over.Copy !req
1071. Freaking Nazi motherfucker!Copy !req
1072. Get your hands off me!Copy !req
1073. For video games!Copy !req
1074. No!
He shot Harry!Copy !req
1075. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
1076. Be careful.Copy !req
1077. Harry! I'm gonna come
and help you, baby!Copy !req
1078. I hate video games.Copy !req
1079. Let's get the hell out of here!Copy !req
1080. Get out of the way!Copy !req
1081. Oh! My shit!Copy !req
1082. I'm so sorry!Copy !req
1083. - What are you doing with my shit?
- I'm a huge fan.Copy !req
1084. - Let me give you a hand with that.
- Leave it alone.Copy !req
1085. I had no idea you be c...Copy !req
1086. - A dildo on a stick? That's crazy!
- That's mine.Copy !req
1087. Let me see if I can help
you get everything in!Copy !req
1088. What are you doing?Copy !req
1089. Jesus!Copy !req
1090. What the fuck?Copy !req
1091. God damn!Copy !req
1092. What...Copy !req
1093. God...
I'm in my fucking suitcase.Copy !req
1094. Richard, what the fuck?Copy !req
1095. It's a present.Copy !req
1096. Hey! Assholes!Copy !req
1097. Coffee shop.Copy !req
1098. Lattes, no foam.Copy !req
1099. Yeah.Copy !req
1100. Uh, I got to go.Copy !req
1101. Why did you bring him?Copy !req
1102. Mind your own business
and get us out of here!Copy !req
1103. Shut up, you big crybaby.Copy !req
1104. Wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
1105. Hey!Copy !req
1106. Move, move, move, move, move.
Go, go, go.Copy !req
1107. Let's go, baby.Copy !req
1108. Where is... the damn key?Copy !req
1109. You don't have the keys?Copy !req
1110. I thought you had the keys.Copy !req
1111. It's like when you were a kid.Copy !req
1112. - Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.
- Oh.Copy !req
1113. Mohammed.Copy !req
1114. You're under arrest!Copy !req
1115. You killed Harry!Copy !req
1116. Start shooting, John.
Do something. Shit!Copy !req
1117. Harry wasn't hurting nobody.Copy !req
1118. What the fuck am I gonna do
with all those damn diapers I bought him?Copy !req
1119. Good God!Copy !req
1120. You're stepping on my thing!Copy !req
1121. Brother Tarik knows
one of the offenders female cohorts.Copy !req
1122. Already, he is on his way to their residence
to intercept and capture them.Copy !req
1123. Allah be praised!Copy !req
1124. Now you will give your lives
to avenge this outrage.Copy !req
1125. Or we could just kill
the other guys.Copy !req
1126. Yeah!Copy !req
1127. Jesus Christ,
can you control this thing?Copy !req
1128. Yes!Copy !req
1129. Watch where you're going!Copy !req
1130. Oh, god.Copy !req
1131. It's the moo cow
from the welfare office.Copy !req
1132. "Sorry, we're closed."Copy !req
1133. Bitch!Copy !req
1134. What was that?Copy !req
1135. I thought we had a flat,
but we just ran over some girl.Copy !req
1136. Whew! Thank god.Copy !req
1137. Got a body on maple.Copy !req
1138. Tag 22, please repeat
your location.Copy !req
1139. Maple, like the syrup.Copy !req
1140. Oh, this is fucking fantastic.Copy !req
1141. Oh, my God,
these kids are heavy!Copy !req
1142. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
1143. Gary! Wait.Copy !req
1144. Just wait.
Wait.Copy !req
1145. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1146. Okay.Copy !req
1147. Roll it, Gary.Copy !req
1148. Make me a star.Copy !req
1149. This is Gayle Ravenson reporting
live from Little Germany theme park,Copy !req
1150. on what will forevermoreCopy !req
1151. be known as the place
where the laughter died.Copy !req
1152. Celebrity icon Verne Troyer
is currently missing or presumed dead.Copy !req
1153. The coward responsible
for this massacreCopy !req
1154. has been described as
a rodent-like man with red hairCopy !req
1155. and wearing
a "peace" T-shirt.Copy !req
1156. Back to you, Bob.Copy !req
1157. Oh, that's right.Copy !req
1158. You're dead.Copy !req
1159. These kids
are starting to smell.Copy !req
1160. I can't believe
I took this fucking job.Copy !req
1161. Fucking bullshit.Copy !req
1162. God damn it.Copy !req
1163. This helps.Copy !req
1164. Definitely helps.Copy !req
1165. We need to get him
inside immediately,Copy !req
1166. - along with the merchandise!
- Yes.Copy !req
1167. Jesus titty-fuck,
they're already here.Copy !req
1168. Now what do we do?Copy !req
1169. That was the safest place
in all of Paradise.Copy !req
1170. You guys don't have
like a bomb shelterCopy !req
1171. or a basement or something,
you know,Copy !req
1172. that the Taliban couldn't
have found themselves, right?Copy !req
1173. - No, we don't.
- We do.Copy !req
1174. - What?
- We do.Copy !req
1175. There's a massive underground
shelter beneath the main compound.Copy !req
1176. It's perfect.Copy !req
1177. You know what would be perfect?Copy !req
1178. My foot up your ass.Copy !req
1179. Who the fuck are you people?Copy !req
1180. What the fuck
did you bring him for?Copy !req
1181. You'll see, Uncle Dave.Copy !req
1182. Do you think we can sneak him
past the Taliban without them finding out?Copy !req
1183. We can try, but what would we do
about the truck?Copy !req
1184. I'll take care of the truck.Copy !req
1185. Wait a minute, why don't I know
about this shelter, Richie?Copy !req
1186. And where the fuck are
you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?Copy !req
1187. In plain sight.Copy !req
1188. Somebody grab the little guy.Copy !req
1189. Come on, little guy.Copy !req
1190. What the fuck's going on?Copy !req
1191. Come on.Copy !req
1192. Okay.
Shut up.Copy !req
1193. Come on.Copy !req
1194. Citizens of this great nation...Copy !req
1195. Town...Copy !req
1196. be on the lookout for this
psychopathic, deranged killer,Copy !req
1197. also known as...Copy !req
1198. Postal Dude.Copy !req
1199. Postal Dude.Copy !req
1200. That's the best
we could come up... Postal Dude.Copy !req
1201. He's wanted in conjunction
with the kidnapping,Copy !req
1202. the shooting
at the welfare office...Copy !req
1203. the assassination
of candidate Wells...Copy !req
1204. and killing a Chinese woman.Copy !req
1205. He killed
a poor, innocent Chinese lady.Copy !req
1206. So, if you see him...Copy !req
1207. You ever just have
one of those days?Copy !req
1208. Mm, no.Copy !req
1209. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
1210. The Postal Dude!Copy !req
1211. Get him!Copy !req
1212. Hey, come on!Copy !req
1213. Uh, I don't think that's him.Copy !req
1214. See how his hair flows, though?Copy !req
1215. This guy looks more like Jesus.Copy !req
1216. Shit. Shit.Copy !req
1217. Shit, shit, shit.Copy !req
1218. Let's go!Copy !req
1219. Thank you!Copy !req
1220. Get him!
Come on!Copy !req
1221. Hey, which way did he go?Copy !req
1222. This way!Copy !req
1223. Why did you help him?Copy !req
1224. Want to clean the windows again?Copy !req
1225. Yeah, fuck.Copy !req
1226. Hold it!Copy !req
1227. Up against the wall now!Copy !req
1228. Look like I bagged me
the Postal Dude.Copy !req
1229. God damn!Copy !req
1230. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
1231. I think you busted my nose!Copy !req
1232. Ohh, fuck!Copy !req
1233. You fucking asshole!Copy !req
1234. I'm gonna fuck you up!Copy !req
1235. Sorry.Copy !req
1236. I think he went that way!Copy !req
1237. No wonder cops are crabby.
This weighs a fucking ton.Copy !req
1238. Handcuffs... those are cool.Copy !req
1239. What is that?
Is that like a flashlight?Copy !req
1240. Pepper spray.Copy !req
1241. Pepper spray is neat.Copy !req
1242. Officer!Copy !req
1243. Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood
watchdog group, Chapter 232.Copy !req
1244. Good job, citizen.Copy !req
1245. Did you see the Postal Dude?Copy !req
1246. Yes, uh, yes.Copy !req
1247. He went down thataway.Copy !req
1248. Right.Copy !req
1249. Citizens united,
let's get this fucker!Copy !req
1250. Get him!Copy !req
1251. Wow, a live-action Krotchy movie.Copy !req
1252. That sounds so great.Copy !req
1253. Yeah, it would be if we could
find the right leading lady.Copy !req
1254. I don't suppose any of you
girls could be actresses?Copy !req
1255. - Oh, I am. I am.
- Me, me. Me.Copy !req
1256. I have way more credits
than she does.Copy !req
1257. Nice outfit.Copy !req
1258. Like you couldn't be
more of an ass already.Copy !req
1259. You look like a penguin.Copy !req
1260. So, I dropped the junk off.Copy !req
1261. Now, where is
that underground shelter place?Copy !req
1262. Go through the bedroom.Copy !req
1263. Yeah, the... okay.Copy !req
1264. All right, all right,
I'm going in.Copy !req
1265. All right.Copy !req
1266. All right, I'm going in.
Stay.Copy !req
1267. - Have you heard from Osama?
- No.Copy !req
1268. - Heard from the truck?
- No.Copy !req
1269. - Have you seen the dog?
- No!Copy !req
1270. - Do you know anything?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1271. You are stupid!Copy !req
1272. Mohammed, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1273. Stupid...Copy !req
1274. Lauren Calcutt, insider trading
of over three million dollars.Copy !req
1275. Linda Monteill, kicked
her neighbours dog,Copy !req
1276. we'll have more on my investigationCopy !req
1277. as to why the World Trade
Center victims deserved to die,Copy !req
1278. after the break.Copy !req
1279. Discouraged
by the inability to stem the...Copy !req
1280. prevents the continent
from having any further contactCopy !req
1281. with the rest of the planet.Copy !req
1282. According to leading experts,Copy !req
1283. video games are the number-one
cause of violence in children.Copy !req
1284. Heavy metal music, horror movies
and nipple piercings are also to blame.Copy !req
1285. Psst!
Puss, puss, puss.Copy !req
1286. Here, you stupid cat.Copy !req
1287. Good kitty.Copy !req
1288. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
1289. Stay low.Copy !req
1290. I already am.Copy !req
1291. Go. Go, go, go.Copy !req
1292. Let's go. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.Copy !req
1293. Get him.
Get him. Get him.Copy !req
1294. Line up, my sexies.Copy !req
1295. That includes you, too,
Mr. Troyer.Copy !req
1296. Jenny, would you mind
opening it?Copy !req
1297. My pleasure.Copy !req
1298. Jenny, you, too, huh?Copy !req
1299. Am I the only fucking personCopy !req
1300. who didn't know there was a bomb
shelter underneath my bedroom?Copy !req
1301. It's not a bomb shelter,
Uncle Dave.Copy !req
1302. I can't believe
this fucking shit.Copy !req
1303. It's a god shelter.Copy !req
1304. Richie, what the fuck is this?Copy !req
1305. This is amazing.Copy !req
1306. This is a shithole.Copy !req
1307. What is all this for?Copy !req
1308. Dave's bible,
Chapter 11, Psalm 23...Copy !req
1309. "and in the end,
the fire and the plaguesCopy !req
1310. "will come
at the behest of the Lord,Copy !req
1311. "and the sores and the boils,Copy !req
1312. "and the intestinal ulcers
and testicular tumorsCopy !req
1313. shall befall all of humanity"...Copy !req
1314. except for those who hide
like rabbits below the ground.Copy !req
1315. I can't believe this.Copy !req
1316. You guys build this all by yourself
just because I wrote that shit?Copy !req
1317. I am of true faith, uncle Dave.Copy !req
1318. Even if you are not.Copy !req
1319. Hey, this is pretty sweet.
You ever, uh, fire...Copy !req
1320. Don't touch anything!Copy !req
1321. We will need every bullet
for the end of all things.Copy !req
1322. That's great, Richie. But right now
we've got a problem, all right?Copy !req
1323. My house is full of a bunch
of fucking religious fanaticsCopy !req
1324. who think they're gonna be the
chosen people at the end of the world.Copy !req
1325. - As opposed to...
- Shut the fuck up.Copy !req
1326. Why don't you shut the fuck up?Copy !req
1327. You don't think I'll come over there?
I'll come over there.Copy !req
1328. I'll stick this finger
up your ass.Copy !req
1329. Yeah, you
and what fucking ladder?Copy !req
1330. - I'll get you.
- I'll fucking...Copy !req
1331. Take this.Copy !req
1332. God damn.Copy !req
1333. Richie, the point is...Copy !req
1334. We don't need to be worried
about the end right now, okay?Copy !req
1335. We just need to take those guns,
go upstairs, kill some motherfuckers,Copy !req
1336. get my merchandise back,Copy !req
1337. sell it so we can pay off
the IRS, all right?Copy !req
1338. Not gonna sell the merchandise,
Uncle Dave.Copy !req
1339. What?Copy !req
1340. I am sorry to inform you,Copy !req
1341. but that was never part
of the plan.Copy !req
1342. So, what is the plan?Copy !req
1343. To end the world, of course.Copy !req
1344. You guys have issues, man.Copy !req
1345. Did you know about this?Copy !req
1346. - No, I didn't fucking know about this.
- But he works for you.Copy !req
1347. Apparently not.Copy !req
1348. Dah!
I can hear you.Copy !req
1349. Richie...Copy !req
1350. Richie...Copy !req
1351. Now it is time
for the rest of youCopy !req
1352. to know the full extent
of our plan.Copy !req
1353. This is why we need
the Krotchy dolls.Copy !req
1354. What happens up my ass
stays up my ass.Copy !req
1355. The Avian Bird Flu...Copy !req
1356. The plague for which
the western devil has no cure.Copy !req
1357. If these dollsCopy !req
1358. are to be distributed
throughout the United States,Copy !req
1359. there will be
death and destructionCopy !req
1360. beyond all comprehension!Copy !req
1361. Yeah!Copy !req
1362. That is what I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
1363. Hi, I'm Krotchy, I'm a boner.Copy !req
1364. So, to make a long story short,Copy !req
1365. the Taliban wanted
to get ahold of the flu,Copy !req
1366. and ma-na na-na na-na na-na Na,
and they were gonna spread it.Copy !req
1367. Those fuckers wanna
spread the bird flu!Copy !req
1368. Wait, but how did you know?Copy !req
1369. Oh, wait a minute! Yeah,
I knew I seen you before.Copy !req
1370. You were at the coffee
shop with that Arab dude.Copy !req
1371. Bingo.Copy !req
1372. She was sleeping with the terrorist
to discover their plan.Copy !req
1373. - Undercover reconnaissance.
- With your vagina.Copy !req
1374. - I took one for the team.
- You took a lot more than one, honey.Copy !req
1375. Whatever.
I mean, we stopped them, right?Copy !req
1376. We're good.Copy !req
1377. Exactly!Copy !req
1378. We stopped them...Copy !req
1379. so that we could do it
our own way.Copy !req
1380. What?Copy !req
1381. See, they only wanted to spread
it in the United States,Copy !req
1382. but in order to fulfill
the prophecy in Dave's bible,Copy !req
1383. We must wipe out
the entire planet.Copy !req
1384. He's fucking nuts.Copy !req
1385. Sorry, sweetie.
God's orders.Copy !req
1386. Come on!Copy !req
1387. Yeah, look Richie. I don't
care how fucked up I was.Copy !req
1388. I never wrote anything about killing
everybody with bird flu.Copy !req
1389. Not precisely.Copy !req
1390. But when I read between the lines.Copy !req
1391. I felt confident
that that's what you meant.Copy !req
1392. Which brings us to you,
Mr. Verne Troyer!Copy !req
1393. If he wrote anything about me
in that bible,Copy !req
1394. we're gonna have
some serious problems.Copy !req
1395. "And you shall know when the
final day of reckoning beginsCopy !req
1396. "because on that day,
a tiny entertainerCopy !req
1397. will be raped
by a thousand monkeys!"Copy !req
1398. That's it.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.Copy !req
1399. I'm sorry, little...Copy !req
1400. Enough! Enough! Enough!Copy !req
1401. Stop him!
We must do as God commands!Copy !req
1402. God damn it.Copy !req
1403. Hey, look man. You know what,Copy !req
1404. if it makes you feel better I promise
to never gonna smoke up again.Copy !req
1405. You are about to witness
the beginning of the end.Copy !req
1406. Bring on the monkeys!Copy !req
1407. Oh, not the monkeys.Copy !req
1408. Where'd you get so many monkeys?Copy !req
1409. I don't fucking know.Copy !req
1410. I got nothing to do
with this shit.Copy !req
1411. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1412. Don't fuck the pants up, please.Copy !req
1413. That one looks like Ron Jeremy.Copy !req
1414. All in all, this has really
not been a very pleasant day.Copy !req
1415. - Yeah.
- But...Copy !req
1416. Unfortunately, the desperate
nature of our situationCopy !req
1417. suggests that we may
need another of usCopy !req
1418. to embrace martyrdom as we bring
our fight to the Infidels.Copy !req
1419. Now...Copy !req
1420. Who amongst us,
will take that honor, today?Copy !req
1421. How about you, Mohammed?
You are so worthy.Copy !req
1422. Oh, thank you.
Thank you, very much.Copy !req
1423. And I would love to,
I would love to.Copy !req
1424. Believe me, nobody more
than me would love to.Copy !req
1425. But, unfortunately Osama
told me I couldn't.Copy !req
1426. - Hey, let's go do some drugs.
- How about Abdul?Copy !req
1427. Oh, that is a great idea,
a great idea... genius!Copy !req
1428. Of course,
one must agree willingly.Copy !req
1429. Now, Abdul...Copy !req
1430. If you don't want to be blown
into a tiny million pieces,Copy !req
1431. raise your hand, hop on
one foot, and sing "Free Bird."Copy !req
1432. Abdul it is.Copy !req
1433. Congratulations my brother,
congratulations.Copy !req
1434. Now, if we just had Osama.Copy !req
1435. Does anybody know
where the fuck he is?Copy !req
1436. So, you can see that just
by changing the words you use,Copy !req
1437. you can motivate your employees
in all new ways.Copy !req
1438. If you master my 117 steps
to dominating your employees,Copy !req
1439. I personally guarantee
you will have a teamCopy !req
1440. of little killer bees ready
to live or die at your command.Copy !req
1441. You can make them work
for 72 hours straight at a time,Copy !req
1442. especially if you put
crystal meth in the water.Copy !req
1443. Now, some of you may be asking,
"isn't crystal meth illegal?"Copy !req
1444. Technically, yes,Copy !req
1445. but the U.S. Air force uses it
to fuel their pilotsCopy !req
1446. when they're on night missions
over Afghanistan.Copy !req
1447. So it can't be that illegal
if the U.S. Air force uses it.Copy !req
1448. Now, if you look at page
5 you'll see a cartoon.Copy !req
1449. What's in that cartoon, you say.Copy !req
1450. Well, that's for you
to figure out.Copy !req
1451. Because humor in the workplace
is something else I want you to think about.Copy !req
1452. If you can make your employees laugh
they will be your slaves forever.Copy !req
1453. And you wont have
to use real chains.Copy !req
1454. Now, open up your workbooks
to page 12.Copy !req
1455. "How to create and English accent
to create an aura of authority."Copy !req
1456. Now, altogether now, make
your mouth into the shape of an "O"Copy !req
1457. That's right. That is the perfect
English accent sound.Copy !req
1458. Add "O" to everything you say.Copy !req
1459. "I would like a café latte O"Copy !req
1460. Make your mouth round,
that's what the Queen of England does.Copy !req
1461. In fact, when she goes
to sleep at nightCopy !req
1462. she puts a small tube in her mouth
to give herself a perfect embouchure.Copy !req
1463. Or the "O" shaped
shape of the mouth.Copy !req
1464. That tube is on sale
with my tapes and my CD-RomCopy !req
1465. for an extra special
price of only $9,95.Copy !req
1466. So... what now?Copy !req
1467. So, you're just gonna shoot us?Copy !req
1468. Yeah, you know,
I'm really sorry, man.Copy !req
1469. I mean, obviously, this is
some sort of misunderstanding,Copy !req
1470. But you can see where I kind of have
to go with it at this point.Copy !req
1471. I mean, you're my nephew,
but these are my people.Copy !req
1472. Got to lead them
to the Promised Land.Copy !req
1473. You're a douche.Copy !req
1474. - Not.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1475. Actually, the bible
doesn't say to kill you.Copy !req
1476. What the fuck, Richie?Copy !req
1477. Come on, what?Copy !req
1478. I'm... I'm God on earth,
remember?Copy !req
1479. Read your fucking bible.Copy !req
1480. - Yeah, like I said.
- Right?Copy !req
1481. When you read between the lines,Copy !req
1482. it's remarkable
how the meanings change.Copy !req
1483. Now, the way I read itCopy !req
1484. was God chose you as a pawn
to get this movement going.Copy !req
1485. But now it's time for someone
else to take charge...Copy !req
1486. someone...Copy !req
1487. who truly believes.Copy !req
1488. No, Richie.Copy !req
1489. Fuck!Copy !req
1490. Fuck me!Copy !req
1491. I'm fucking gay!Copy !req
1492. Who the fuck knew?Copy !req
1493. I had no clue, man,
but this explains a lot.Copy !req
1494. Oh, I can finally learn
to love myself for who I am.Copy !req
1495. I'm a fucking chubby chaser,
too!Copy !req
1496. Fuck it, man!Copy !req
1497. This is great.Copy !req
1498. You know what?Copy !req
1499. Today is the start
of my whole new life.Copy !req
1500. Right.Copy !req
1501. Mitzi.Copy !req
1502. Okay, so I'm bi.Copy !req
1503. Yuck!Copy !req
1504. You.Copy !req
1505. You we are grateful to,Copy !req
1506. so we will let you live...Copy !req
1507. Until the bird flu gets you.Copy !req
1508. Or we can put you out of your
misery right now... either way!Copy !req
1509. Actually...Copy !req
1510. Actually...Copy !req
1511. Uh, no.Copy !req
1512. Um, you have
to leave me alive...Copy !req
1513. Richie...Copy !req
1514. if you want to have
your little... Apocalypse.Copy !req
1515. And why is that?Copy !req
1516. Uh, because I am the only guyCopy !req
1517. who knows where the truck
filled with bird flu is parked.Copy !req
1518. Yeah! That's clever!Copy !req
1519. That is clever!Copy !req
1520. But it's not insurmountable.Copy !req
1521. You didn't go far.Copy !req
1522. We'll just find it ourselves,Copy !req
1523. and then we'll kill you!Copy !req
1524. Or not, remember?Copy !req
1525. The bible said that
you didn't have to kill me,Copy !req
1526. And you said
you weren't going to,Copy !req
1527. And you killed Dave.Copy !req
1528. Yeah, but as soon
as I said that, I just...Copy !req
1529. It just was a lousy idea,
so ha-ha.Copy !req
1530. We'll be right back.Copy !req
1531. Get in there!Copy !req
1532. What are you still doing here?Copy !req
1533. We're supposed to wait for Richard
to get back with the truck.Copy !req
1534. And then we eat the poison brownies
and ascend into God's love.Copy !req
1535. Starr couldn't wait.Copy !req
1536. She was on a cleanse.Copy !req
1537. Yeah, that all
sounds like a real good plan.Copy !req
1538. Me...Copy !req
1539. I'm gonna go upstairs...Copy !req
1540. kill me some terrorists...Copy !req
1541. probably die
in a hail of bullets.Copy !req
1542. If by some miracle
I make it out alive,Copy !req
1543. I'm gonna find that fat fuck
of yours, Richard,Copy !req
1544. and stick this machine gun
up his self-righteous ass.Copy !req
1545. Yeah.Copy !req
1546. Decisions, decisions.Copy !req
1547. Mine.Copy !req
1548. Mine.Copy !req
1549. - What?
- Yours.Copy !req
1550. Oh, you are good.Copy !req
1551. - Well, you are better.
- I know.Copy !req
1552. Come on.Copy !req
1553. Let's go.Copy !req
1554. You cunning little bitch.Copy !req
1555. You're not retarded, are you?Copy !req
1556. You've just been faking it.Copy !req
1557. Mine.Copy !req
1558. You cunt!Copy !req
1559. They'll meet us later.Copy !req
1560. All right, ladies.Copy !req
1561. This is where we split up.Copy !req
1562. Go home to your families.Copy !req
1563. Think for yourselves,Copy !req
1564. And no more crazy cultsCopy !req
1565. that look forward
to the end of the world.Copy !req
1566. Don't worry. We've decided
to be Christians from now on.Copy !req
1567. Well...Copy !req
1568. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
1569. Hold on.
Hold on.Copy !req
1570. Why?Copy !req
1571. Because you're married?Copy !req
1572. No, I just want
to give Karen a turn.Copy !req
1573. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1574. Paradise, here I come.Copy !req
1575. Speaking of wild shit,Copy !req
1576. have you seen that guy's wife?Copy !req
1577. Yeah, she's hard to miss.Copy !req
1578. Yeah.Copy !req
1579. She's a good fuck, though.Copy !req
1580. You fucked her?Copy !req
1581. Several times.Copy !req
1582. She's got a clapper
in her trailer.Copy !req
1583. The lights go on and off
and on and off.Copy !req
1584. Makes you feel like a rock star!Copy !req
1585. Let's go to the trailer.Copy !req
1586. Hey, it's the Postal Dude!Copy !req
1587. Get him!Copy !req
1588. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
1589. Come on!Copy !req
1590. Go! Go!Copy !req
1591. - Come on.
- Shoot him!Copy !req
1592. Eat this!Copy !req
1593. I'm sorry!Copy !req
1594. Bye, cowards!Copy !req
1595. You are so hot.Copy !req
1596. And you turned
into a crazy psychopath.Copy !req
1597. There were
some pretty good reasons.Copy !req
1598. That's what they all say.Copy !req
1599. I have to destroy a postal truck
filled with lethal microbesCopy !req
1600. before a doomsday cult
or a terrorist groupCopy !req
1601. gets their hands on it
and destroys the entire world.Copy !req
1602. Yeah, like I believe that.Copy !req
1603. Jihad!Copy !req
1604. - Huh?
- Jihad!Copy !req
1605. Okay.
Uh, where's that truck?Copy !req
1606. Great.Copy !req
1607. Okay.Copy !req
1608. Oh.
I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.Copy !req
1609. It looks like your credit
card's been declined.Copy !req
1610. What?Copy !req
1611. It looks like every
free government on the planetCopy !req
1612. has frozen your assets.Copy !req
1613. Would you take a check?Copy !req
1614. Cash, American.Copy !req
1615. I'm a little short.Copy !req
1616. Sammy, we need you right away.Copy !req
1617. Do you have any cash?Copy !req
1618. No.Copy !req
1619. Run!Copy !req
1620. Freakin' Arabs.Copy !req
1621. Go back to Mecca and run around
your big black box!Copy !req
1622. There you go, Courtney. Hi.Copy !req
1623. Alright, now. Let's run that through.Copy !req
1624. Looks like your money's good,
you're American.Copy !req
1625. Even though you are black.Copy !req
1626. Look out!Copy !req
1627. Fucking hippies!Copy !req
1628. - Oh, god.
- You okay?Copy !req
1629. Yeah, you ever get
like a hangnail?Copy !req
1630. Yeah, it's brutal.Copy !req
1631. What the hell was that?Copy !req
1632. Where are we going?Copy !req
1633. Some place where nobody
will notice a giant explosion.Copy !req
1634. I tell you, Mohammed, "117 steps
to dominating your employees".Copy !req
1635. He talked about how you can get
your employees to kill and die for you.Copy !req
1636. Kill and die for you?Copy !req
1637. And, he talked about how if you make
your employees believe that you are GodCopy !req
1638. you will be God to your employees.Copy !req
1639. That's good, you should
make a note of that.Copy !req
1640. It was amazing, it was just
and amazing seminar.Copy !req
1641. Fuck her, Greg.Copy !req
1642. Ja, come on.
Fuck her, Greg.Copy !req
1643. How's that, huh?Copy !req
1644. A little to the left,
motherfucker.Copy !req
1645. You're right.
You're right.Copy !req
1646. Yes!
Give it to me.Copy !req
1647. Who is that?Copy !req
1648. My soon-to-be-ex-wife.Copy !req
1649. - You like that?
- Yes!Copy !req
1650. Great job!
A little faster.Copy !req
1651. That ought to do it.Copy !req
1652. All right.Copy !req
1653. Here, champ!
Come on, buddy.Copy !req
1654. Champ?Copy !req
1655. Come on!Copy !req
1656. Ah, poop.Copy !req
1657. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
1658. All right.Copy !req
1659. Too late.Copy !req
1660. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
1661. Fucking guy!
We're gonna fucking mess you up!Copy !req
1662. Back! Back!Copy !req
1663. Fucking die!Copy !req
1664. I love you, Greggie.
I love you, too.Copy !req
1665. Go back!
Go back!Copy !req
1666. Okay, before we do this.Copy !req
1667. Let's rememberCopy !req
1668. what we learned from the pamphlets
from the seminar, okay?Copy !req
1669. That true change
starts from within!Copy !req
1670. Okay? Also...Copy !req
1671. We learned from the seminar that true
strength comes in numbers!Copy !req
1672. Okay, also...Copy !req
1673. That if you want something to be
done right, you do it yourself!Copy !req
1674. So, let's do it!
All right!Copy !req
1675. Hey!Copy !req
1676. God damn it!Copy !req
1677. Get the hell off my property!Copy !req
1678. Motherfucking piece of shit!Copy !req
1679. Hand over the Avian Flu,
Infidel!Copy !req
1680. Hello?Copy !req
1681. That's their truck, right?Copy !req
1682. Oh, there he is...Copy !req
1683. the guy who killed Uncle Dave.Copy !req
1684. We must rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!Copy !req
1685. Okay.Copy !req
1686. Fuck this.Copy !req
1687. Bomb!Copy !req
1688. Bomb!Copy !req
1689. Bomb!Copy !req
1690. B-b-b-b-bomb!
Bomb!Copy !req
1691. Hold up!
Fuck!Copy !req
1692. "Big bomb that could take out
a whole city block" bomb.Copy !req
1693. Do I have your attention?Copy !req
1694. Get down here!Copy !req
1695. What is wrong with you people?Copy !req
1696. You're so busy trying to blow up
the world in the name of God.Copy !req
1697. News flash, fucktards...Copy !req
1698. God doesn't need your help.Copy !req
1699. He's God!Copy !req
1700. And he, she, it...Copy !req
1701. They gave you life.Copy !req
1702. And you're wasting it.Copy !req
1703. Look around you.
Look.Copy !req
1704. Look, God damn it!Copy !req
1705. See?Copy !req
1706. We're not that differentCopy !req
1707. 'cause we all come
from the same familyCopy !req
1708. known as humanity.Copy !req
1709. Now, what do families do?Copy !req
1710. Do they fight?Copy !req
1711. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
1712. But they work it out
'cause they love each other,Copy !req
1713. and they know that
they're stuck with each other,Copy !req
1714. just like all of us are,Copy !req
1715. here on the crazy big
mud ball called Earth.Copy !req
1716. So, come on, people.Copy !req
1717. Let's try and find
some common ground, huh?Copy !req
1718. Uh, well, we all hate Jews!Copy !req
1719. Yeah, well, everybody
knows that, yeah.Copy !req
1720. No, no, no, no,
not a hate thing.Copy !req
1721. Ah, sh...Copy !req
1722. A happy thing.Copy !req
1723. I don't get it.Copy !req
1724. I think it's time
to empty our hands of gunsCopy !req
1725. so we can fill our handsCopy !req
1726. with hugs.Copy !req
1727. If you want to waste this
precious gift we call life,Copy !req
1728. I can't stop you.Copy !req
1729. So, go ahead.Copy !req
1730. Shoot.Copy !req
1731. Or...Copy !req
1732. hug.Copy !req
1733. Shoot him.Copy !req
1734. Oh, you motherfuckers!Copy !req
1735. God damn!Copy !req
1736. I'm starting to get pissed.Copy !req
1737. Greggie, I'm still wet, though!Copy !req
1738. Just plug that little thing in.
I'll be there in one second.Copy !req
1739. You've got
to be fucking kidding me.Copy !req
1740. You like that?Copy !req
1741. Hey, Mo,
save some virgins for me.Copy !req
1742. Please insert
an additional 25 centsCopy !req
1743. to complete
your long-distance call.Copy !req
1744. Hello,
this is George W. Bush.Copy !req
1745. It's Osama.Copy !req
1746. I need some help, man!Copy !req
1747. Hi, there, Osama.
How are you?Copy !req
1748. You got to speak up, George.Copy !req
1749. - I can't hear you over the gunfire.
- Hmm?Copy !req
1750. Gunfire. I'm trapped in
a trailer park in Paradise city.Copy !req
1751. I'm here for you, buddy.Copy !req
1752. We got you on satellite.Copy !req
1753. Should I send a couple
cruise missiles down there?Copy !req
1754. No, I...Copy !req
1755. Please insert
an additional 25 centsCopy !req
1756. to continue
your long-distance call.Copy !req
1757. I was thinking maybe
a helicopter to come pick me up.Copy !req
1758. Hey, that... that could work.Copy !req
1759. Uh, there's a field
just south of you.Copy !req
1760. I'll pick you up there.Copy !req
1761. Aw, thanks, Georgie.Copy !req
1762. - I, um...
- Yes?Copy !req
1763. I just wish
I knew how to quit you.Copy !req
1764. Next time get a phone card.Copy !req
1765. No hand-to-hand combat,
no hand-to-hand combat.Copy !req
1766. Hello.Copy !req
1767. Internal Revenue Service,
Frank Dumont.Copy !req
1768. We're here to conduct an audit
on a Mr. David Clark.Copy !req
1769. You are American government?Copy !req
1770. Yes, sir.
Is Mr. Clark at home?Copy !req
1771. Hold on one moment,
government man.Copy !req
1772. I have someone to speak to you.Copy !req
1773. Unauthorized fruit sales.Copy !req
1774. I should have brought that dip.Copy !req
1775. Jihad!
Jihad!Copy !req
1776. Ji... oh, yeah.Copy !req
1777. Jihad, yeah.Copy !req
1778. Abdul!Copy !req
1779. Abdul, where is your belt?Copy !req
1780. You're not wearing
your explosive belt.Copy !req
1781. We're taking the cop car.Copy !req
1782. Abdul.Copy !req
1783. Lorraine, Lorraine...Copy !req
1784. Stop licking
your own asshole, okay?Copy !req
1785. You're my publisher.Copy !req
1786. You tell them
that this is a prime exampleCopy !req
1787. of why everybody
should buy my book,Copy !req
1788. "how to fire an employee
without making him go postal"...Copy !req
1789. Because I'm a f...Copy !req
1790. You ruined everything!Copy !req
1791. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!Copy !req
1792. Don't be a dick...Copy !req
1793. No!Copy !req
1794. Dick.Copy !req
1795. Did you... champ!Copy !req
1796. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
1797. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
1798. I thought I smelled
poo-poo breath.Copy !req
1799. Nice to see you, pal.Copy !req
1800. We're interrupting
our regular broadcastCopy !req
1801. to take you live
for this emergency announcementCopy !req
1802. from the President.Copy !req
1803. This is the PresidentCopy !req
1804. of the United States of America.Copy !req
1805. C.I.A. Intelligence
has confirmedCopy !req
1806. that the governments
of China and IndiaCopy !req
1807. were directly responsible
for the terrorist cellCopy !req
1808. recently uncovered in Paradise.Copy !req
1809. Worse still, they continue to
make T-shirts for well under $1.Copy !req
1810. In response, we've been forcedCopy !req
1811. to destroy both countries
with "nucular" force.Copy !req
1812. China, despite
all our freedom-loving efforts,Copy !req
1813. was able to send
30 atomic warheads our way.Copy !req
1814. They should hit
in a little under two minutes.Copy !req
1815. I wish you all the best of luck
with your future endeavors,Copy !req
1816. and God Bless America.Copy !req
1817. Well?Copy !req
1818. I regret nothing.Copy !req
1819. You know what?
Forget the stuff.Copy !req
1820. - Oh!
- What are you doing?Copy !req
1821. Don't you want me
to get out of here? Come on!Copy !req
1822. Come on!Copy !req
1823. Come on.Copy !req
1824. Go out!Copy !req
1825. They got a Hu...Copy !req
1826. Georgie, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendshipCopy !req
1827. Attention, residents
of the planet earth.Copy !req
1828. Don't miss the sale
of the century.Copy !req
1829. With the purchase of one clone,Copy !req
1830. get a second clone...Copy !req
1831. for free!Copy !req
1832. Remember...Copy !req
1833. there's no business
like clone business.Copy !req