Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016)

1. E, E, E, E, E.

2. Then I would go to, like, a G.

3. And these are all just power chords.

4. Hey, how you doin'? You're tuned in

5. to Style Boyz Television.

6. - I'm just sparking up. - Style Boyz Radio!

7. - Sparking up this French fry. - Ah! Well, KFFFR.

8. I am French fry guy.

9. - Hello. - No! French fry guy!

10. - I am French fry guy. - Not again!

11. - Yeah! About to be! - Style Boyz.

12. Okay, where to start.

13. Ever since I was born, I was dope.

14. Honey!

15. Oh, my gosh, sweetie!

16. I loved music.

17. And as soon as I could,

18. I started a band with my two best friends,

19. Owen and Lawrence.

20. The Style Boyz.

21. Right away, people noticed us

22. because our lyrics were beautiful

23. and insightful, poetic even.

24. The thing about the Style Boyz

25. is that their chemistry and their friendship

26. was really authentic.

27. You know, you could tell

28. that they were really friends with each other.

29. They were hot. (chuckles)

30. Before you knew it,

31. we signed with a major label

32. and put out our first single,

33. "Karate Guy."

34. "Karate Guy."

35. You kidding me, man?

36. That song changed my life.

37. Kid Contact, he handled the beats and the music.

38. Kid Brain, you know, he did all the lyrics.

39. And then Conner, he was the charismatic one,

40. the one who brought it all together.

41. You-you tell me you didn't see him and say,

42. "Yo, he's the star."

43. Things definitely started to get complicated.

44. I couldn't help it if the world chose me.

45. Take one. - You want me to look here?

46. Pretty funny, right? (laughs)

47. Be original,

48. be fearless.

49. I love my White Butt Jeans.

50. As my star kept burning brighter, some stood by me.

51. Others couldn't take the heat.

52. We broke up the next day.

53. I went solo, and Owen became my DJ.

54. Lawrence quit the music biz altogether.

55. And our DJ Francis moved to Japan to hunt dolphins,

56. like a dickhead.

57. But it turned out all of that

58. was just a blessing in disguise,

59. because it turned me into Conner4Real.

60. I dropped my first album, and what can I say?

61. It was a smash.

62. And I owed it all to my fans,

63. who I share everything with.

64. Yo, brushing my teeth.

65. Yo, I just ate a taco.

66. It's Conner's Confessions: Hoverboard Edition.

67. (chuckles) Oh, fuck!

68. (grunts, whimpers) Dude.

69. Yo, just got my butt waxed.

70. That shit hurt!

71. He's painfully honest with his fans,

72. probably too honest, really.

73. Like, but they love him for it.

74. Yo.

75. Just jacked it.

76. Um, feeling pretty mellow right now.

77. - Doinkdedoink. - Doinkdedoink!

78. Doinkdedoink!

79. - Doinkdedoink! - Doinkdedoink!

80. I think he's incredible.

81. He really is the real deal.

82. My fans and me,

83. we're in love.

84. My songs are love letters.

85. And the arena is our bedroom.

86. The stage...

87. The stage is where we fuck.

88. It's Conner!

89. So expensive!

90. I say that with no ego!

91. "I'm So Humble," I instantly connected with that,

92. because I'm probably the most humble person that I know.

93. Yeah, well, it's a pretty exciting time right now.

94. Conner's second album, his second solo album, CONNquest,

95. is dropping in two weeks.

96. And then we go on the world tour.

97. - Harry, get in here, man. - I've been Conner's manager

98. since back with the Style Boyz.

99. It used to be the four of us riding around in a van,

100. but, uh, with success,

101. our family had to get a little bit bigger.

102. Sure, Conner surrounds himself with people who are agreeable.

103. I wouldn't call them yes men.

104. - Money! - (cheering)

105. - Did it go in? - Swish!

106. Oh, it went in, it went in!

107. You a murderer, son!

108. Well, Conner currently has 32 people

109. on his personal payroll.

110. He has a personal assistant, a party coordinator,

111. an ab trainer, basketball coach,

112. an eyebrow specialist, sneaker jockey,

113. two umbrella wranglers, a weed roller,

114. - a weed holder, - (sirens wailing)

115. a turtle sitter for Maximus, scarf caddy,

116. - a guy who punches him in the nuts. - (groans)

117. - so that he remembers where he came from... - You're right.

118. A perspective manipulator...

119. Oh, that's a guy who's, uh, slightly shorter than Conner

120. who he pays to stand near him at events

121. to make him look taller.

122. You know, back in my high school days,

123. I was in a band.

124. You may heard of them... called Tony! Toni! Toné! TonEe?

125. We broke up over creative differences.

126. Each Tony had an exclamation point after their name,

127. and I thought my name should have a question mark.

128. So it would be Tony! Toni! Toné! TonEe?

129. In hindsight, it was not my best decision.

130. But that led me to Conner.

131. So who's laughing now?

132. There you go, buddy.

133. Ow, dude.

134. You bit me, Max.

135. This is my best friend Maximus.

136. My mom gave him to me when I was nine years old.

137. Like, right after my dad died.

138. I feel like he's, like, the closest thing

139. I've ever had to, like, a little brother or something.

140. If I had, like, a mute brother that was hella scaly.

141. As a hatchling, the doctors said

142. that he had been diagnosed with soggy bones syndrome,

143. and that he was not gonna make it past, like, six months.

144. But that was 20 years ago.

145. You're my best friend.

146. (whispers): Don't tell Owen.

147. Come on up here. This is Owen's world right here.

148. This is where I keep all my gear.

149. This is one of the earliest, uh, synths I ever got.

150. It's a DX7. This is a classic.

151. Oh, in Conner's show? No, no.

152. In Conner's show, I just use this.

153. Uh, it's a iPod.

154. 60 gigs, so, you know, I can fit the entire show,

155. and, uh, plus, like, a bunch of dope audio books.

156. You know?

157. It was year three at Hogwarts,

158. and Harry was worried it would never get any easier.

159. Harry P.

160. You know, a lot of people ask me that.

161. They say, like, "Is it weird"

162. "for you to be playing the background now?

163. 'Cause, you know, you used to be in Style Boyz."

164. And I always say, "No, man, not at all, man,

165. 'cause I-I could never do what Conner does, you know?"

166. Look, I'm a perfectionist.

167. My first album sold four million copies.

168. So this one has to sell more.

169. And that's why I take this so seriously, you know?

170. And I-I live for this music.

171. And... (sighs)

172. It can't go away.

173. That's why I personally wrote every song on this record,

174. and I used over 100 producers for just 17 tracks

175. to guarantee that they're all hits.

176. I made a lot of the beats on the first record,

177. but on this one, Conner said he really wanted to branch out.

178. It's good for him to grow, you know?

179. And, also, I played him a bunch of my beats,

180. and he was like, "No."

181. What's up, y'all?

182. Got a hot new single coming.

183. And it addresses some social issues

184. that I think are being ignored.

185. So keep your eyes peeled for that.

186. We're gonna be surprise releasing it

187. next Thursday at noon.

188. Uh, and that's it.

189. Discrimination.

190. It ain't right.

191. He's writing this song

192. for gay marriage.

193. You know, like it's not allowed.

194. It's allowed now.

195. Usually, I don't like

196. to read reviews, but...

197. I'm just excited.

198. Like, I can't, I can't wait.

199. I want to know how people feel about it,

200. and I want to know how much they love it, so...

201. uh, here we go.

202. Um...

203. Well, it's Pitchfork, it's...

204. They gave it a negative review.

205. No, like, it's a negative four

206. out of ten... positive ten, I assume.

207. Pitchfork can be kind of pretentious though, so...

208. But ooh. What?

209. You ain't gonna knock my hustle.

210. Let's look at another one.

211. Let's pull it up. Rolling Stone.

212. Okay.

213. Um, out of four possible stars,

214. Rolling Stone has given it...

215. the shit emoji.

216. I can only assume it's a, um, a mess-up, you know?

217. They must've had a-a problem with their, um...

218. No, this seems like the right score

219. for how they're saying this.

220. You know what, let's just do a search.

221. - (typing) - CONNquest review.

222. Oh, here we go.

223. Here we go.

224. "a triumph."

225. That's a good one.

226. Let me read this.

227. This is on...

228. The Onion.

229. So, you know, mixed.

230. Let's call it mixed reviews.

231. So first you're in a group.

232. You introduced us to the Style Boyz.

233. And "Donkey Roll," of course, we play the hell out of that.

234. That's a hit for us, man,

235. and then, Conner, you get that breakout moment.

236. You get a phone call from Claudia Cantrell.

237. The one and only.

238. And she asks you for a verse, man,

239. on her song, "Turn Up the Beef."

240. But you take that moment, and instead of just, like,

241. kicking a regular verse... you know what I'm saying...

242. you did something a little different.

243. The "catchphrase verse," as it's now known.

244. Uh-oh, yeah, yeah. Hello.

245. Um, I had been working on a catchphrase,

246. but what had happened was

247. I just thought of so many dope ones

248. that I was like, "What if I put them

249. all into the verse?"

250. Yeah, he said so many words I didn't know.

251. That was a game-changing moment.

252. 50 CENT: There's usually, like, one catchphrase in a hit.

253. He dropped, like, 30 on us in one night. Shit was crazy.

254. Immediately, I said, man, this guy right here,

255. he's gonna make it big.

256. Because when you have a catchphrase,

257. the world is catched by your phrase.

258. You fast-forward. Things start to happen, man.

259. You get the-the Pop Music Award.

260. And now, here comes those offers of a solo contract.

261. Yeah.

262. How did the other Style Boyz feel about that?

263. - You know, they took it fine. - Mm-hmm.

264. Owen is my DJ and my best friend.

265. - That's good, man. - And Lawrence

266. - lives on a farm now, so... - Hold on.

267. Lawrence Dunn is a farmer?

268. My name is Lawrence Dunn.

269. I used to be in the Style Boyz.

270. Now I'm a farmer.

271. Being out here in nature,

272. away from all the people

273. and the trappings of modern life, it's so peaceful.

274. - There's nothing like it. - (groans in pain)

275. - I've never been happier. - (bird screeches)

276. Uh, so yeah, this is, uh,

277. all my woodwork.

278. It's kind of my passion, uh, my hobby.

279. This is a nice piece.

280. It's called "Government in Crisis."

281. For obvious reasons.

282. This one's a mask.

283. Still me.

284. It's a hat.

285. You know, we were going places as a band.

286. We had plans as a band.

287. Style Boyz, that's three guys,

288. not two... it doesn't work with two.

289. You know? It's like a tricycle.

290. You take away one of the wheels, what do you got?

291. Nothin'. A bicycle.

292. Don't use that.

293. Look, we had a good run, you know?

294. We had a few hits.

295. But it had run its course, you know?

296. It was time for us

297. to all move on.

298. Get over it.

299. When the Style Boyz broke up... (sighs)

300. Damn.

301. The only other time I remember being that sad...

302. was when they killed Josh Charles on The Good Wife.

303. Y'all ready for this?

304. - Yeah. - Okay.

305. Welcome to the future, bitches!

306. (laughs): That's Conner's song.

307. - Whoa. - (song stops)

308. Ah!

309. - Oh! - Okay, both sides. Okay.

310. - It's fun, right? - Yeah! - (song resumes)

311. - (whooping) - You know, this is my favorite.

312. I like the freezer one.

313. Listen to this, homies.

314. We can upload your entire album

315. to fridges, washer-dryers,

316. blenders and microwaves across the country.

317. You could do that?

318. Yes, nerd.

319. It's just Wi-Fi jibber-jabber.

320. It's not a big deal.

321. - Nobody doing appliance shit, my nigga. - No.

322. Is that right, my nigger? No one is doing appliance shit.

323. - Yeah. Okay. Went with the hard "R."

324. This is that next, next, next, man.

325. - I told y'all, Deborah's a genius! - Mm.

326. It's true. And it is also pronounced De-bor-ah.

327. De-bor-ah. Oh, that's very cool.

328. - It's exotic. - What's the origin of that?

329. Uh, I believe "Deborah."

330. - That was ridiculous! - Right?

331. Oh, my God, yes, that was insane.

332. I mean, who would want to listen to music that way?

333. - (singsongy): Schwag! - I know it's kind of weird,

334. but Aquaspin's gonna help us get the music out there, man.

335. I mean, so... you don't think people are gonna have a problem

336. when music just appears in their houses?

337. Look, I know it sounds lame, but...

338. there's no such thing as selling out anymore, man.

339. This is how big business works.

340. I mean, nowadays if you don't sell out,

341. people will wonder if nobody asked you to.

342. - Right. - But look, dude,

343. if you're not comfortable with it,

344. we could rethink it.

345. No, man, that's cool, that's cool.

346. All right, cool.

347. Let's get in the car.

348. This jacket's making me sweat my ass off.

349. Yeah, it's fuckin' hot as shit out here.

350. Welcome to the car, Conner.

351. A.C.! - Did you say "Macy's"?

352. - A.C. - Did you say "Macy's"?

353. - Air condition. - Macy's? Macy's?

354. Sometimes Conner just gets an idea

355. and he runs with it, you know?

356. And he's right, like, 99.9% of the time, so...

357. you just got to trust that he knows what he's doing.

358. So I understand why he, you know,

359. did the whole Aquaspin thing.

360. Touring is expensive today.

361. Why you think I do the asap Crunchables?

362. This is Gary Sikes. This is the label photographer.

363. Gentlemen. Gentlemen. All right, there we go.

364. Yeah. All right. Got the two of you. Great.

365. Okay, could I have a little separation, please?

366. Oh, wait, hang on, Gary. You're not trying to break up

367. - the Dream Team, are you? - No, no, no, no.

368. Just trying to get the logo. May I... may I touch you?

369. - Yeah. - Just slide down just a little bit.

370. Scoot you down like that. Little pressure. There we go.

371. I still see your shadow a little bit on him.

372. If you don't mind, could you just...

373. Still in it, you're still in it.

374. - Conner, nice. - Yeah, same thing.

375. Nice! Yeah!

376. - Here you go, Paula. - Thank you.

377. Hey, how's the, uh, Pop Music Award thing coming?

378. Good. I've called producers. I'm waiting to hear back.

379. Please stay on them, because you know

380. how important it is to him.

381. I'd love to get Conner to the point

382. where people forget that he's a musician,

383. where he's just kind of everywhere,

384. like oxygen or gravity or clinical depression.

385. He's just... everywhere.

386. Conner! (laughs) - Hey.

387. Oh!

388. Ashley Wednesday, star of the blockbuster.

389. Cube Theorem franchise,

390. was spotted with pop rapper Conner4Real

391. leaving the exclusive New York City nightclub

392. last night.

393. Okay, let's go, kids.

394. - Huh? - Time to go home in your fun car.

395. Ash and I have been

396. hanging out for about six months now,

397. and I got to say, she's the total package.

398. Well, when I was little, I would spend hours

399. looking at famous couples in magazines...

400. Us Weekly, People... and everybody's speculating,

401. are they a real couple or are they just for publicity?

402. And I knew that when I grew up,

403. I wanted to be one of those couples.

404. Five, four,

405. three, two, one!

406. - ("I'm So Humble" playing) - (crowd cheering)

407. Last night, pop star Conner4Real's

408. new album CONNquest was released...

409. on all Aquaspin appliances.

410. Millions of unsuspecting Americans

411. - turned on their toasters... - You can't do that to people!

412. Yo, Conner4Real, you suck, dude!

413. the president calling the pop star

414. "a real dumb."

415. The only reason he put it in appliances

416. is 'cause no one

417. was gonna buy his shit album.

418. Today on CMZ...

419. He released his record with a dishwashing company?

420. They did this big launch, and it was all wireless

421. or something, I don't know,

422. but it came out of every appliance in my house,

423. and I was just like, "I hate Conner4Real."

424. For real.

425. But seriously, let's be nice to Conner4Real,

426. 'cause he seems like a good guy.

427. Uh, I don't think so.

428. - (laughter) - Uh, I don't think so.

429. Uh, I don't think so.

430. (roaring) Come on!

431. Well, the overnight numbers

432. were not what we were expecting.

433. They were pretty low.

434. But it's still early. (chuckles)

435. Yeah, some people were saying that the Aquaspin thing

436. was an invasion of privacy,

437. so it's just a little bump in the road.

438. Um... he's dealing with it.

439. Conner, you okay, buddy?

440. Maybe the numbers were wrong, you know?

441. Like...

442. BonkoHub had a computer virus or something.

443. You know, you could be right.

444. I'll have Jay look into it.

445. So what are we talking, like, 150, 200 or...?

446. Mm... 65,000.

447. Well, that is not where we wanted to be, but...

448. not bad for the day.

449. Actually, Conner, that's for the week.

450. Estimated.

451. Sixty-five?

452. (quietly): For the week?

453. Can you... can you...?

454. Hey, can you guys give us a second here?

455. It's the first day of tour, baby!

456. - (whooping) Now, I know.

457. Conner's bummin' right now, but his concert is amazing.

458. When this thing goes off and he's out there,

459. I mean, it's just a spectacle. It's enormous.

460. Yeah, my name is, uh, Zippy.

461. I'm the guitar tech on the tour.

462. Shit!

463. Shit.

464. I make sure all the instruments are tip-top.

465. I love the road, you know.

466. This is kind of a perfect job for me,

467. but my favorite free-time thing is flatlining.

468. - Heart rate dropping. - (monitor beeping)

469. Flatlining is when you, uh,

470. technically lower your heart rate

471. until, um... well, you're dead.

472. He's still dropping. - Then you can catch a glimpse

473. of the afterlife.

474. Got the idea from the film Flatliners.

475. Joel Schumacher film shot by Jan de Bont.

476. You know, I try to fit in a F-line sesh

477. at least once a week.

478. - Two, one, hit him! - (monitor flatlining)

479. - Clear! - (electrical thump)

480. Oh, wow.

481. Did I shit my pants?

482. Not this time.

483. (slurring): To Conner!

484. To Conner!

485. My mom means well.

486. She had her own dreams of becoming a star

487. back in the day,

488. and she gave it up to have me,

489. so I really owe her for that.

490. And I'm lucky to have her support.

491. - I'll go first. - Okay, you go first.

492. - (inhales sharply) - Kids first, and then moms.

493. Oh, my God, that is so fun!

494. Hello.

495. My name is Tyrus Quash, and I do

496. the food service on Conner's tours.

497. So, these are carrots, eight different ways.

498. You have your triangles, shave, obelisks, natural,

499. julienne, as the French like to call it.

500. Julienne. I think that's how they say it.

501. Conner's very specific when it comes to food,

502. and it brings me great joy

503. to see him love the treats that I prepare.

504. - (crowd cheering) Yeah, Conner!

505. - Yeah! - Let's go! - (whooping)

506. - (crowd cheering) - (guitar playing gentle intro)

507. Conner's music may not be what I listen to in my free time,

508. but it seems to make so many people money.

509. Y'all have been so amazing.

510. Thank you so much. What a beautiful night.

511. Everybody in the front make some noise!

512. Now everybody on the sides make some noise!

513. Now everybody way up in the upper deck

514. make some noise!

515. Whoo!

516. Conner, I love you! I love you!

517. Whoo!

518. Harry! What the hell?

519. First of all, this is an 18,000-seat arena.

520. Nobody sells this out.

521. You sold 15,000 seats. That's still really good.

522. No, it's not good.

523. Hammerleg sold this place out last week!

524. (sighs) Well, Aquaspin agrees with you.

525. They're concerned about ticket sales.

526. What? But it's an 18,000-seat place.

527. Nobody sells that out.

528. Hammerleg did. Last week.

529. Look, the low record sales are making them nervous.

530. They want to bring on an opening act.

531. What? We have an opening act. Owen deejays.

532. Hey, I'm always saying Style Boyz could be the opener.

533. No, man. Will you stop with that?

534. Dude, people keep blowing up my Twitter

535. about us doing "Donkey Roll."

536. - Oh, they're blowing up your Twitter? - Yeah.

537. How many followers do you have, Owen?

538. - Like, 500,000. - Okay, well, I got 20 million,

539. and no one's asking me to do that shit, so...

540. - (laughter) - Hey-oh!

541. Some of those are probably bots.

542. Okay, look, guys, regardless,

543. we still have to decide on an opening act.

544. Man. (sighs)

545. All right, fine.

546. Does anybody have ideas?

547. One, but you are gonna like it.

548. Wait, did you say "are" or "aren't"?

549. Are.

550. Yeah! (chuckles)

551. You know the motherfucking piece of shit.

552. Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!"

553. Fuck you, Hunter!

554. - Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!" - Fuck you, Hunter!

555. Hunter the Hungry, he's just one of those rappers

556. where he just doesn't give a fuck.

557. People think that he ain't crazy.

558. Nah, he crazy for real. I seen him backstage.

559. He wasn't smoking a blunt, he was just eating it.

560. I mean, Hunter is the youth.

561. You know, he's-he's what's next.

562. Yo!

563. - What up? - Conner4Real?

564. In the flesh? Hey, yo.

565. It's-it's a honor to meet you, man.

566. Yo, CONNquest, Style Boyz.

567. I grew up off that shit, fam.

568. - Thanks, man. - I want to be you, Conner.

569. But not white. Like, black still.

570. 'Cause it's strong... it's a strong color.

571. - For sure, yeah. - Like, you are that dude.

572. Like, have you met you?

573. Have you met you?

574. You! Have you met you?

575. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm saying?

576. - This is crazy. - You be you.

577. Know I'm-a be all that,

578. 'cause I'll tear some shit up. You know how it is!

579. - (laughter) - That is real.

580. Hell yeah!

581. We gonna turn up for sure.

582. Oh, don't hurt me!

583. - (Hunter barking) - (laughter)

584. - You know how it is! - Okay.

585. Seriously, man, I'm-I'm real honored, dawg.

586. Um, I'm not gonna let you down.

587. You're my idol.

588. - Right next to Jesus. - (scoffs)

589. And Morgan Freeman.

590. - Uh-huh. Yeah. - I'll hit you up.

591. Yeah, bitch, what up!

592. I like him.

593. Where'd you get the cayenne?

594. - Get off my basil! - Nah, dawg. That's my basil, too, B!

595. Get off my basil, dude! That's my basil!

596. That's my basil, too!

597. - Come on, dude. - And chives, son.

598. And chives. Watch me kill this deer

599. real quick. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

600. - What? You can do that? - It's deer meat, son.

601. - It's deer meat, bitch. Yo, dude.

602. What is this crazy shit?

603. - Oh, dude, that's your new head! - (laughs)

604. What?

605. I had it specially made for you, man.

606. I took the measurements while you were sleeping.

607. It's, like, on some futuristic EDM shit.

608. We did the research, and EDM is hot.

609. Robots on ecstasy and shit.

610. Daft Punk, deadmau5,

611. DJ Tommy Pizza, Oprah Spinfrey, Vinyl Richie,

612. R2-LSD2,

613. Ecstasy-3PO, LSD-3PO,

614. Elton John.

615. All those dudes are crushing.

616. - Look at all these functions. - Yeah.

617. It's like a Lite-Brite, but it's moving.

618. Oh, and check this out.

619. Oh, wow.

620. - It goes all the way up there. - All the way, man.

621. It's like a beacon to space.

622. And, plus, it makes this sound.

623. Wow!

624. Why would it make that sound?

625. I don't even know, but it's nice to know

626. that it's there if you need it.

627. - You know? - Yeah.

628. Yo, helmet's dope.

629. Looks like the tip of Optimus Prime's dick.

630. See?

631. Don't you want to look like Optimus Prime?

632. His dick?

633. - Fuck yeah! - Fuck yeah!

634. Yeah, man. (chuckles) I don't know.

635. Owen.

636. Please?

637. Please, please, wear the helmet, Owen.

638. Come on, man. The show really needs it.

639. Please, man?

640. - I mean, if it'll help the tour. - Yes!

641. - Yeah. - Dude, we're killing this!

642. Having Hunter aboard has really energized the tour.

643. Tickets are selling.

644. Hunter is the shit.

645. Oh, I love you, too, man.

646. Oh, no, dude.

647. No, get off me, dude!

648. Get off me, dude! Get off me!

649. Putting that helmet

650. on Owen's head... that was a brilliant gimmick.

651. And I wish I'd done that with Zayn.

652. We could've kept him in One Direction for years.

653. Get pranked! Oh!

654. Pranks is where it's at. You know what I'm saying?

655. Like, you got to have fun on tour, yo.

656. Rise and shine, dude!

657. You know, he's got

658. that sense of humor, where it's like,

659. stop now, please stop.

660. Please stop. Please stop doing this.

661. But he keeps on going.

662. - Get your ass in! - Oh, shit!

663. Conner, did you take a shit in the Anne Frank House?

664. Do not go in there!

665. - (camera shutter clicking) - (whooping)

666. (laughs) Ace Ventura!

667. This my new best friend

668. right here!

669. This my nigga!

670. Yeah, that's my friend!

671. All right, listen up, everybody.

672. First of all, I want to say congratulations

673. on a great show tonight!

674. Yeah, yeah!

675. And for the last eight shows,

676. we have been sold out!

677. - (cheering) - Yeah!

678. It's like I was... I feel like it's finally just clicking.

679. - Yeah. - Hey!

680. - We are on a roll, baby. - Yeah!

681. - Yeah. - Is it helping album sales?

682. - It's got to be, right? - You know how it is, you know.

683. Sometimes it takes a while for the marketplace to catch up.

684. - Don't worry. - Definitely helping Hunter.

685. This dude's album just went gold.

686. Gold?

687. - For real. - How is that even...

688. That's a mistake, right?

689. Our shit hasn't even gone gold.

690. Look, he's just having a moment, that's all.

691. Well, how come I'm not having a moment?

692. You've had tons of moments.

693. Don't worry, there's plenty to go around.

694. DJ: Hey, yo!

695. Shout-out to T.I. in the house.

696. - (cheering) - What's up, soulja?

697. What's up, kid? Okay!

698. Uh-oh, y'all.

699. My man Hunter the Hungry's in the house!

700. Yo, make some noise!

701. - Yeah! - What's up, kid? Hey, yo.

702. Y'all want to hear the hottest song in the streets right now?

703. Hey, look, man,

704. Conner got all the way to the top of this business, you know?

705. And the higher you get, the harder you fall.

706. - I mean, ask any coconut. Thing is is that.

707. Conner's never been as good as he was with the Style Boyz.

708. Whatever him and Lawrence were beefing over,

709. they need to figure out a way to squash it.

710. Ever since Style Boyz broke up,

711. Lawrence has been mad at me.

712. He claims he wrote my famous catchphrase verse.

713. He's a jealous-ass hater

714. who's mad that I blew up and he's a farmer

715. out in bum-fuck nowhere.

716. But, you know,

717. we all have our take.

718. Uh, this one here, this is my Poppy.

719. Uh, it's what I got

720. for writing Conner's famous catchphrase verse.

721. If you look close, you'll notice that it's not real,

722. because I didn't get a Poppy or credit of any kind.

723. But there is one person that I absolutely have to thank,

724. and that person is me!

725. Me, myself and I!

726. - I did it all by myself! - (crowd cheering)

727. Nobody helped me!

728. So...

729. Yeah. (sniffs)

730. That's my Poppy.

731. If he's so great,

732. how come he's not making anything, you know?

733. Nothing's stopping him from going out

734. and writing a bunch of hits.

735. After the Style Boyz, I tried some solo projects,

736. but none of them really took off.

737. I didn't really relate to that song,

738. because, you know, I-I had different things in my Jeep

739. than he had in his Jeep.

740. I don't think Conner's living real life.

741. I think he's in a bubble with people

742. telling him what he wants to hear

743. and kissing his ass all day.

744. I heard he's getting into stage gimmicks now.

745. He's got Owen in a helmet, looking dumb.

746. And one where he sings from a toilet.

747. Someone should've told him that shit's wack,

748. but he's so afraid of failure,

749. man, he's just getting desperate.

750. Let's try it again.

751. - (ripping) - Oh! Oh, it snagged!

752. What's up, my confidants?

753. Be sure to come through

754. to my show tonight.

755. I'm trying a brand-new magic trick.

756. You know, they said it couldn't be done,

757. that the trick was designed for a woman,

758. and my junk would get all tangled.

759. But I figured out how to solve it.

760. I think if I just tuck it all back...

761. See ya tonight.

762. Let's go!

763. - (crowd cheering, pop music playing) - Hey!

764. What is this, y'all?

765. I said upscale. You took me to outer space.

766. What do you say we take it back down to Earth?

767. What?

768. This almost looks like

769. something that a cowboy might wear.

770. Are y'all looking at my chaps?

771. But enough horsing around. Let's take things uptown.

772. How about a good old-fashioned tuxedo?

773. There is no substitute.

774. Top of the world!

775. - Oh, shit. Where is it?

776. No, uh, no.

777. It's tucked. I...

778. I shaved for the trick!

779. - Don't post those pics! As they approached

780. - the edge of the Dark Forest... - It's an illusion.

781. It's tucked, I tuck it back.

782. Conner, just hold on.

783. Don't post those. It's a tuck-and-tape!

784. I don't know what to do right now.

785. I want to show y'all my dick, but I can't show you my dick!

786. It's a great conundrum. It's a great conundrum!

787. Holy shit, dude, where the fuck was your dick, dawg?

788. - What happened out there? - (Hunter laughs)

789. What happened to the trick?

790. Conner, don't worry. Nobody saw anything.

791. I wish they had seen something!

792. Now there's 10,000 people that think I got no dick!

793. Wait, you guys know I have a dick, right?

794. - Yeah. It's just... - You do. You-you do.

795. - Yes. - I've always believed you had a dick.

796. R-Right, right, right, but, like, where was it though?

797. Because that motherfucker was gone.

798. We've gone over this. I...

799. You know I got to tuck my shit back

800. so it doesn't get tangled up in the garments.

801. - Yeah, that makes perfect sense. - Of course.

802. Got to put it in between the legs.

803. Conner, don't worry about it.

804. You were up there for, like, ten seconds.

805. Ten seconds is an eternity, Harry!

806. It's a third of the way to Mars!

807. Conner, we've talked about this.

808. 30 Seconds to Mars is the name of a band.

809. It's not a fact.

810. Hey, look, thank you, dawg,

811. because this shit was hilarious, fam!

812. Well, I'm so glad that I could entertain you, Hunter.

813. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

814. Ah. (scoffs) I wish.

815. (scoffs) This is, like, genius prank shit right here.

816. Next level.

817. You would have to be the best prankster of all time

818. to think of something like this.

819. And, well, shit, that's... shit, that's me.

820. Maybe I did do it.

821. Nah, I didn't do it.

822. Or did I?

823. Nah, I didn't.

824. Or maybe I did.

825. Not. Do it.

826. - Did you? - (laughs) I didn't do it.

827. Or I did.

828. Who knows? I don't! (laughs)

829. Conner, don't worry, don't worry.

830. This is not news.

831. - (over TV): Don't post those! - (laughter)

832. What the fuck?

833. The timing of that was crazy!

834. Conner dickless? - They should call him.

835. NoDick4Real.

836. It was tucked, Linda. It's part of the show.

837. - No, no, don't print that! Everywhere I look.

838. This is insane.

839. Now it's on the front page of USA Today,

840. the most respected newspaper in the world?

841. Sweetie, relax.

842. All we need is a different story

843. - to wipe it out of the press cycle. - Mm-hmm.

844. Okay, so what? What do we do?

845. Anything. Uh, release a new single.

846. Get a crazy haircut.

847. Or, uh, take an ugly teenager to the prom.

848. All good ideas.

849. Let's keep thinking about it.

850. And I'm gonna go tweet a picture of my dick.

851. Okay, don't really do that.

852. Ah, man, I just think it's gonna really

853. change people's perception of me

854. in a good, positive way.

855. And also, I'm really glad about the fact

856. that we'll get married, too, 'cause I like her so much.

857. Conner, what's going on?

858. You'll see. - (gentle music playing)

859. Oh, my God, is that music?

860. Yeah.

861. Almost there. And...

862. Uh-huh?

863. - You ready? - Mm-hmm.

864. Are those real wolves?

865. Yeah.

866. Conner!

867. My psychic told me

868. that in my previous life, I was a wolf.

869. Which makes so much sense.

870. But I can't believe that Conner remembered.

871. And you invited the press? (laughs)

872. Yeah.

873. Oh, my God. Is that, is that Seal?

874. Yeah. What is this?

875. What's going on?

876. Ever since I met you, I knew in my heart

877. that you were super bangin'.

878. - (laughs) - (wolves snarling)

879. Hey, uh, dude, you got to kill this music.

880. The wolves are going crazy.

881. I can't stop Seal from singing.

882. Sorry, could we get the wolves to be more quiet?

883. No.

884. Ashley Wednesday...

885. will you marry me?

886. Yes! (laughs) Yes!

887. - The wolves are loose! - (people screaming)

888. - Shit! - Shit! Okay.

889. - Oh, God! - Go, run, now!

890. - (screaming continues) - (gunfire)

891. Run!

892. Jesus Christ!

893. - We got wild animals... - (gunshot)

894. Seal!

895. Seal, come on!

896. - Hurry! - (sighs)

897. - Are you okay? - I'm fine. For a second...

898. - (snarling) - (screaming)

899. - Seal! - Seal!

900. - Shit! Oh! - (neck snaps)

901. - Seal! - Oh, my God! You got him, dude!

902. Don't worry. I've been in this situation before.

903. How do you think I got these scars?

904. - From wolves? - Fucking wolves.

905. - (engine starts) - Now, let's get out of here...

906. - (screaming) - (wolf snarling)

907. What the fuck?

908. - Go! Go! - Go!

909. - (screaming) - We killed Seal!

910. - He's dead! Seal is dead! - He's dead!

911. Conner4Real is being sued by R&B singer Seal for...

912. Why would he do that to Seal?

913. - I don't even know... - Conner4Real is such a joke.

914. He disappointed all of us. I mean...

915. Did you see that proposal? It was so fake.

916. Like, I don't even think they like each other.

917. Why did they do that to Seal?

918. He doesn't even have a dick.

919. I used to like Conner4Real, but now I wish

920. he would just go away.

921. - (crowd cheering) My first guest,

922. Conner4Real!

923. I just want to thank Seal again

924. and wish him a fast recovery.

925. He's gonna be fine.

926. - That's great news. - (applause)

927. That's great news, and congrats again

928. - to you and Ashley. - Thank you, thank you.

929. And, you know, don't forget CONNquest in stores now.

930. - Cop that. - Yeah, absolutely. - (crowd cheering)

931. Absolutely.

932. Can I, can I just fanboy out for a second?

933. Uh, because my-my favorite thing of yours

934. - from-from back in the day, the "Donkey Roll." - Oh.

935. - You guys know... - (crowd cheering)

936. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - For the kids out there,

937. The "Donkey Roll" is from Conner's old group

938. the Style Boyz.

939. - When I... - (crowd cheering)

940. - Yeah. - You know what I'm saying? I don't want to brag,

941. but I used to do a mean "Donkey Roll" back in college.

942. - I'm just saying. - Oh, for real?

943. Some-some said I-I did it better than yours.

944. - Oh. - (crowd oohing)

945. - Come on, now. - No...

946. - Don't do that, Jimmy Fallon. - (laughter)

947. I think I saw Kid Contact backstage.

948. Do you think that we could get him out here and...?

949. I doubt he'd be into it.

950. Y'all set me up?

951. Oh!

952. Okay, I'll be filling in for Kid Brain!

953. Roots, "Donkey Roll" up!

954. I loved the "Donkey Roll."

955. The "Donkey Roll" was the shit.

956. That's the reason why I dance.

957. Every junior high dance

958. had to end with the "Donkey Roll."

959. I dreamed of doing the "Donkey Roll"

960. onstage with them.

961. - (crowd cheering) - Yo, everybody!

962. It's all right! Thank you, buddy.

963. Yo, dude, how fun was that shit?

964. - Are you serious? - Yeah.

965. I wish Lawrence could've been here.

966. Owen, that sucked.

967. I'm trying to sell a record, not stroll down memory lane.

968. That shit made me look like a has-been.

969. (chuckles) Come on, man.

970. The crowd loved it.

971. Whatever, man.

972. All right.

973. Well, look, you have to understand something.

974. Conner's lived a very blessed life.

975. He got very successful very, very young.

976. No, no, no... And because of that,

977. he never really learned to handle adversity

978. in an adult way.

979. How many people here

980. bought my new album, CONNquest?

981. - (crowd cheering) - All y'all liars!

982. I know you didn't buy it!

983. Do you guys even like me anymore?

984. Could've seen this coming.

985. Conner4Real dumped by new fiancée Ashley Wednesday.

986. Hey, Conner!

987. Why did Ashley dump you, brah?

988. - Get the fuck off my ass. - Yo, man!

989. Son of a bitch! - Yo, I could really use you

990. - out here, man. - Mm-hmm.

991. - Yo, w-we're in Denver tomorrow. - (Conner yelling, glass breaks)

992. Come through. I-I'll send a car for you.

993. He really wants to apologize?

994. - Yes, dude. - (goat bleating)

995. Stop. Down.

996. This business can be crazy, man.

997. That's why it's so important

998. to be around people that you trust,

999. that you've grown up with.

1000. - (laughs) I mean... - What is that?

1001. And plus, Lawrence was always

1002. the one who could cheer Conner up.

1003. You know?

1004. - Mm-hmm. - Dude, please.

1005. He really needs his real friends right now.

1006. He needs you.

1007. Yo, what's that sound in the background?

1008. Oh, it's just, uh,

1009. my girlfriend.

1010. I'm having sex with her.

1011. All right, man. Uh, maybe.

1012. You know, maybe. I'll think about it.

1013. So last night, I caught a little bit

1014. of this obscure old movie

1015. called The Parent Trap, right?

1016. And in that movie, these two little redheaded girls,

1017. they get the idea to trick their divorced parents

1018. into falling back in love with each other.

1019. So I was like, yo,

1020. if I just get Lawrence and Conner

1021. in the same room together,

1022. boom, they're gonna realize that they're friends,

1023. and we all can all be buddies again.

1024. Tyrus! Shut up, man!

1025. - We're watching TV. - Quiet, dude!

1026. Leave the singing to the professionals, please. Yeah?

1027. You're right. I-I'm sorry.

1028. And cut softer, dawg.

1029. We were on the road in Spain,

1030. and I noticed that the people there

1031. pronounce the letter "S"

1032. with, like, a T-H, "the," sound.

1033. So instead of saying "Spain,"

1034. they say "Thpain," you know?

1035. And it's like the whole country has a crazy speech impediment.

1036. Um, so I wrote a "thong" about that.

1037. Don't post those pics! Don't post those pics!

1038. - (whooping) - All right!

1039. - Ah, thanks, man. - Man, good shit!

1040. You dropped it perfect right on that one.

1041. - Oh, thanks, man. - Oh, thanks.

1042. Oh, hey, um, I invited Lawrence

1043. to come to the after-party tonight.

1044. - So he might be here. - What? Lawrence is here?

1045. Yeah, man. Oh, you know, I told you

1046. he lives right nearby here, so I just thought

1047. it'd be cool for him to come.

1048. He actually, he wanted to apologize to you...

1049. Owen.

1050. Are you trying to Parent Trap us?

1051. No.

1052. God, he looks like a caveman.

1053. Look at this fool. He's about to murder somebody.

1054. I think it's just the lighting in the limo.

1055. - What? - No, seriously.

1056. I think that... that's just his resting face.

1057. - He's just relaxing. - So what, he just

1058. apologizes to me, and I'm supposed to forgive him,

1059. and then we go back to being a big, happy family?

1060. Something like that.

1061. Yeah.

1062. (sighs) All right.

1063. Style Boyz.

1064. In the house. Right?

1065. - Nah. Fuck this. - No. - No. No.

1066. Fans got through the gate.

1067. - We got to lock up. Let me out, man.

1068. Yo, unlock the doors.

1069. Yeah, you should go, man. Bail... that's your move.

1070. That's not my move. That's your move. You bailed.

1071. I didn't bail. People like me best,

1072. and you couldn't handle it, so I did my own thing.

1073. People like you best 'cause of the shit I wrote.

1074. They don't like your shit, they like my shit,

1075. - and they don't even know it. - Take a look around, Lawrence.

1076. If you were so important to my success,

1077. how come my solo shit's way bigger

1078. than Style Boyz ever was?

1079. You had Owen making all your beats.

1080. And now you ditched him, and your shit's tanking.

1081. Why can't you just give me any credit, man?

1082. Just admit that I'm talented.

1083. Why can't you admit that I wrote the catchphrase verse?

1084. - Oh, this shit again. - None of this garbage out here

1085. - is possible without me. Conner!

1086. - Admit that shit. - I love you!

1087. Man, what the fuck is going on out there?

1088. Conner, sign my tits! - Oh, what, this?

1089. This is just some beautiful-ass titties, man.

1090. My fans ask me to sign them all the time,

1091. because they love me, and I love them, Lawrence.

1092. And you know what? You need to grow up, dude.

1093. Because this right here,

1094. this is what it's all about, my friend.

1095. Making art.

1096. Connecting with people.

1097. This is that rock star life, my man,

1098. and I'm slurping it down like a big old

1099. - fat milkshake. - Hey, Conner?

1100. - Not now, Owen! I'm gonna sign these titties. - I'm just...

1101. So sit back and watch how it's done, my friend.

1102. I'm gonna... Oh, shit! Oh! It's a dick!

1103. That's one of your fans, man. Go for it.

1104. - Ooh! - Can you make it out to Jenna?

1105. - Oh, hello. - That's me.

1106. It's nice to meet you.

1107. - That's my fiancé's penis. - Ah.

1108. Big fan. - Thanks, man. So tight.

1109. Okay, he's inside.

1110. I'm just gonna...

1111. do the old John Hancock.

1112. Are you guys getting back together? Style Boyz?

1113. - No. - No. Right on. - We're thinking about it.

1114. I'm gonna roll the window up now, so just...

1115. Thanks for coming by.

1116. - Great to meet you guys. - I rest my case, Lawrence.

1117. You think you know what's up, but in fact,

1118. you, my friend, have no idea what's going on.

1119. Don't call me again.

1120. Lawrence, dude.

1121. Don't leave like that.

1122. Shit.

1123. We should probably hit the car wash.

1124. Finally heard back from the Poppies.

1125. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. They-they love you.

1126. Um, they just...

1127. they just don't have enough room for you this year.

1128. What? For real?

1129. Yeah, it's a bummer. I know.

1130. I told them to keep us in mind if anything changes.

1131. It could come around.

1132. This business is tough.

1133. The highs are high, and the lows are low.

1134. You know? It's like a wave.

1135. You just got to learn how to ride the wave, you know?

1136. It's up and down, just like that.

1137. Tony! Toni! Toné! TonEe?

1138. Bartending.

1139. Style Boyz.

1140. Conner4Real.

1141. That means I might be going down again soon.

1142. Harry, he's 30 minutes over.

1143. I'm sure he'll be done soon.

1144. I'm never gonna leave this stage!

1145. - I'm gonna die up here! - (crowd cheering)

1146. All right, that's it.

1147. Owen, get your gear.

1148. - Got it. - Frank, cue it up.

1149. Conner, what are you doing?

1150. I'm going on, Harry!

1151. You better get a bedpan!

1152. I'm-a be here all night, bitch!

1153. - (cheering) - Who came here to see Hunter the Hungry, huh?

1154. And who came here to see.

1155. Conner4Real?

1156. What's up, y'all?

1157. - What'd you just say? - (hip-hop music playing)

1158. Contact, skip the intro.

1159. - All right, Harry, we got to talk. - I know.

1160. - That was a mess out there tonight. - Yeah.

1161. We have to get rid of Hunter.

1162. We can't fire Hunter, Conner.

1163. I mean, he's one of the reasons that the tour sold out.

1164. I want him off the tour.

1165. Well, look, he's number one on BonkoHub right now.

1166. Well, what number are we?

1167. Numbers don't matter. Come on, you know that.

1168. - God. - Hey, could we talk about this helmet?

1169. - It's crazy heavy, and it's really hurting my back. - Owen,

1170. why are you talking right now? Why are you in this meeting?

1171. I'm in all of our meetings.

1172. Dude, just leave, all right?

1173. Go have a meeting with Lawrence.

1174. You know, it's not my fault

1175. that the album's not selling, okay?

1176. Don't take it out on me.

1177. Great.

1178. Harry, we have to get rid of Hunter, all right?

1179. I'm not asking, I'm telling.

1180. You represent me, not him.

1181. Okay, look, well, actually...

1182. technically...

1183. Full disclosure: I represent both of you.

1184. What?

1185. Yeah.

1186. You signed him?

1187. Conner, come on.

1188. Are you kidding me, Harry?

1189. It's just business.

1190. It's not to me!

1191. All right, look, decide right now, him or me.

1192. Come on, don't go there.

1193. Look, I got a family to feed.

1194. What? No, you don't!

1195. - I have a niece. - We all have a niece!

1196. You know what?

1197. (laughs) You're fired.

1198. Conner, you... you're just...

1199. you're upset and you're overreacting.

1200. Okay, now I got to collate that.

1201. Great. Have fun collating.

1202. There's no fun in collating!

1203. What's up, my confidants?

1204. Who can you really trust?

1205. I thought I could trust my manager,

1206. but it turned out he was stabbing me in the back

1207. the whole time.

1208. I thought I could trust Seal.

1209. I thought I could trust the Yelp reviews

1210. of PartyWolves.com.

1211. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

1212. Who's out there, scheming behind my back,

1213. trying to take what I built?

1214. I need to find out who I can really trust.

1215. All right, y'all, come and get 'em!

1216. - Conner's fancy flapjacks! Right here! - Whoa!

1217. - (laughs) - Wow! - Thanks, Conn.

1218. Eat up, eat up, eat up, eat up.

1219. - Mm! - Sponge,

1220. you liking those pancakes?

1221. - They're so good. Yeah. - Yeah.

1222. Eddie? Feeling these?

1223. - Okay. - Mm-hmm.

1224. (retches) Dude, I'm sorry.

1225. I can't. Conn, these are terrible, man.

1226. I'm really sorry.

1227. (whispers): Thank you, Owen.

1228. Truly.

1229. - Okay. - And the rest of you liked them?

1230. Yeah.

1231. Yup. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

1232. Well... that's very disappointing,

1233. because they are not good.

1234. - I knew it. - And the reason they're not good

1235. is because I put dog shit in them.

1236. - What? - Aw, dang, dude!

1237. - That's nasty! - Oh, that's... hilarious. - (coughing)

1238. The reason that I did that

1239. is to see who would tell me the truth!

1240. Oh... Conn, that's mad smart!

1241. - Yeah, he's always two steps ahead. No.

1242. No, stop doing that, you guys.

1243. This is what I'm talking about. You can't just agree

1244. - with everything I say. - No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

1245. - It's not helpful. - Got to be honest.

1246. No, you're doing it again, all right? Just stop!

1247. You fed us dog shit?

1248. - What is wrong with you? - Owen, chill out, man.

1249. You're the only one who passed the test. You're good.

1250. How the fuck can you think I was one of your lackeys, dude?

1251. I'm your oldest friend.

1252. - Hey, we're friends! - We're all friends.

1253. I should've told you to fuck off years ago,

1254. but instead I just let you become

1255. - a bigger and bigger dick. - Look, I'm sorry,

1256. but I've kept you on the tour, I keep you paid,

1257. I put food on the table!

1258. With dog shit in it!

1259. It's the thought that counts, man!

1260. Oh, my God, that's it. I quit.

1261. You can't quit.

1262. What do I even do anymore, Conner?

1263. I push play on an iPod in a robot costume.

1264. All right, fine, then.

1265. Go.

1266. Fine.

1267. Fine.

1268. (quietly): Fine.

1269. Maximus?

1270. I'm home, buddy.

1271. (groans) Sometimes he kicks it in here.

1272. Max!

1273. You hear that?

1274. Max?

1275. What are you doing?

1276. What's wrong with you?

1277. - Why are you all white? - (chittering)

1278. Why is he making that sound?

1279. - (retching) - Oh! Oh, fuck!

1280. There's something wrong with Maximus!

1281. His scales are all ashy. Come on!

1282. - (reporters clamoring) - No! Get out of the way!

1283. Move! Come on!

1284. Please, please move! My turtle is sick!

1285. I got to get him to the hospital!

1286. - He's gonna die! - (chittering)

1287. (sobbing): Maximus...!

1288. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

1289. I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.

1290. Maximus was my best friend,

1291. who struggled daily with soggy bone syndrome,

1292. but never complained once.

1293. Conner4Real fighting with Martin Sheen

1294. - gets knocked the "F" out. - The guy from The West Wing?

1295. - Attica! Attica! Attica! - Things going from bad to worse

1296. for Conner4Real, seen unconscious

1297. rolling around town on a hoverboard.

1298. Now go, and join your family

1299. in turtle heaven.

1300. - (crowd cheering) - Fuck yeah!

1301. It's time, man.

1302. You got to know when to go home.

1303. Bro, you got to know when to let go.

1304. The key is don't play yourself. That's it.

1305. Very simple.

1306. Don't play yourself.

1307. Congratulations. You played yourself.

1308. You guys win.

1309. I get the message. I'll go away.

1310. This is Conner4Real signing off.

1311. So, I am back in Sac,

1312. house-sitting for my mom,

1313. - 'cause she's on tour. - Oh, shit.

1314. - With Fallout Boy. - You guys filming me?

1315. - It's been awesome, you know? - (groans): Oh.

1316. Dude, which one of y'all pissed on me?

1317. - Feels really good to reconnect with my hometown. - (sighs)

1318. I've just been really living a very simple life.

1319. Kind of... back to basics.

1320. I've been watching a lot of dressage,

1321. which is a very elevated, uh, competitive form

1322. of horse dancing.

1323. I've been doing a lot of painting

1324. and a lot of sketching.

1325. Um, I'm doing a series on show ponies.

1326. I actually have a lot of trouble with the hooves.

1327. It's hard to get, like, a hoove texture.

1328. This one is, like, pretty accurate, actually.

1329. I'll show you guys the horse that I based it on. Anyway...

1330. It's not my best one.

1331. Um, like, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have used

1332. - that shade of green. - I've even been selling

1333. some of them online,

1334. which has been a cool, new experience.

1335. Ooh! Sold.

1336. - 11.50. - You know, it's not.

1337. Conner4Real numbers, you know?

1338. But in a way it means more.

1339. That's pretty much it, you know?

1340. That's my life now.

1341. Hello.

1342. Hey! What's up, dude?

1343. You guys, Paula's here!

1344. What's going on?

1345. Just wanted to check up on you.

1346. You want a drink?

1347. Uh, no. It's 11:00. It's 11:00 in the morning.

1348. It's 11:30 somewhere.

1349. Go! Touchdown...

1350. Can we please turn this off?

1351. (laughs) Look at those little nerds!

1352. We were very cool for our school district.

1353. My birthday is awesome.

1354. Yeah, man, we used to have fun.

1355. What the fuck happened?

1356. Okay.

1357. Oh, shit.

1358. I think this is the day that my mom gave me Maximus.

1359. Oh.

1360. This one is from... Owen and Lawrence!

1361. - A turtle! A turtle! - (others gasping)

1362. - Oh, my goodness! - Look, Mom! They got me a turtle!

1363. What do you say, sweetie?

1364. Thank you!

1365. You're welcome.

1366. Honey, what are you gonna name it?

1367. I'm gonna name it Maximus.

1368. Get up. We're going out.

1369. What? Oh, no, I'm not going out.

1370. I cannot deal with the public right now.

1371. Conner, it's not a question.

1372. All right, fine.

1373. But if we're going out...

1374. I got to put on my makeup.

1375. Please don't put that on.

1376. This is cool.

1377. Feels good to be out.

1378. - You were right. Yeah. - Good.

1379. I'm glad I did this though.

1380. You know, it makes me feel more comfortable, more at ease.

1381. I feel at ease.

1382. - Yeah, you look really comfortable. - Yeah.

1383. You look like Matthew Modine had a peanut allergy.

1384. All right.

1385. You look like Nazi propaganda.

1386. Okay, that's foul.

1387. - (techno music playing) - (crowd cheering)

1388. - (mellow keyboard intro plays) Wait a minute.

1389. That piano part is incredible!

1390. - (techno beat playing) - (crowd cheering)

1391. Was my last album bad?

1392. I feel like I probably could've handled myself a little better

1393. over the past few months.

1394. It feels so nice to be able to say all this shit,

1395. 'cause the music is so loud no one can hear me!

1396. That equal rights song was offensive!

1397. I feel free!

1398. - (whoops) - (laughs)

1399. - Thanks for coming out, you guys. - (women laugh)

1400. - Means a lot. - Great show, Kid Contact!

1401. Conner?

1402. Aw, man! How'd you recognize me?

1403. What's up, man? What are you doing here?

1404. Had to put on the disguise, right?

1405. Yeah, no, I see that.

1406. Come check out my homie do his thing, man.

1407. - Great show! - (chuckles)

1408. - Thanks, man. - Yeah, yeah.

1409. Oh. Paula brought you?

1410. She did.

1411. And I'm really glad she did.

1412. It was such a great show. You sounded incredible, dude.

1413. - Thanks, man. - Yeah. Yeah.

1414. I mean, my singing's terrible, but, you know.

1415. What? No! No...!

1416. But, I mean, all right, look, may be time

1417. for some vocal lessons, you know? No shame in that.

1418. Yeah, or you know who would sound better on it.

1419. (smacks lips) Clay Aiken.

1420. No. You.

1421. No. No, man. (chuckles)

1422. This is your thing, and I'm hella proud of you, man.

1423. (sighs): And...

1424. fuck, man, I just...

1425. - I want to just say I'm sorry. - Conner, just, I...

1426. like, I love that you're doing this right now,

1427. but it's really hard to take you seriously,

1428. because you just look like Jason Segel right now.

1429. - Oh, Paula said that. - Well, we have great minds.

1430. - Yeah, that's funny. - Yeah, it must, like...

1431. - How is it, like...? - Oh, yeah, it's, like,

1432. - the spitting image of, like... - Is that good? Like...

1433. Yeah, it looks identical to that dude.

1434. Sarah Marshall.

1435. I need to forget about her.

1436. - Yeah, he needs to forget her. - Yeah. Yeah.

1437. - Love that movie. - Yeah.

1438. Thanks, man.

1439. It means a lot that you came out.

1440. I'm glad I came, too. For real.

1441. That's good, man.

1442. Nice.

1443. What the fuck?

1444. One of you guys put this here?

1445. Hey, Lawrence.

1446. Conner.

1447. Owen.

1448. Lawrence.

1449. Conner.

1450. Just... (grunts)

1451. That's for you, man.

1452. To borrow, you know?

1453. Figured...

1454. you could take a bunch of pics of you holding it and stuff,

1455. you could post them or whatever.

1456. All right? So...

1457. now we're cool.

1458. Lawrence!

1459. What the fuck, man?

1460. Now I got to go find that!

1461. What do you want me to say?

1462. That you helped with the catchphrase verse?

1463. Is that what this is still about?

1464. Fine. You helped with the catchphrase verse. All right?

1465. You happy?

1466. All right, and you wrote most of it.

1467. But using my catchphrases.

1468. That you also cowrote.

1469. All right, wrote.

1470. But we were both in the room,

1471. and I dictated all the best stuff.

1472. All right, none of the best stuff, dude,

1473. but I had tons of great ideas

1474. that I still don't even know why you didn't use them.

1475. Because they sucked!

1476. Okay, fine. That's my bad.

1477. But I was there the whole time, man.

1478. I was a little late. I was a little late that day.

1479. There was traffic, and I was a little tardy

1480. on that particular day.

1481. There was no traffic. I lied about that.

1482. I lied about it because I overslept on accident.

1483. It was on purpose. It was a power move.

1484. I was trying to send a message, and that was

1485. a dick move on my part, all right?

1486. However, once I got there... late...

1487. I put in time, okay?

1488. I left a little early, I remember that.

1489. I was never there. Now I remember.

1490. I remember now what happened!

1491. I bailed, and you wrote the whole verse.

1492. You wrote it, and I never gave you credit.

1493. 'Cause guess why.

1494. No one cares who writes shit.

1495. They just care who performs it.

1496. In fact, I think the only person in the whole universe

1497. who cares about the credit for who wrote it is you!

1498. (quietly): Fuck.

1499. I'm sorry.

1500. Boom.

1501. Parent Trap.

1502. What'd you say you grew here again?

1503. You'll see.

1504. Oh, shit!

1505. Lawrence, how much weed do you have?

1506. Hey, everyone, I'm gonna take the rest of the day off

1507. to hang out with my friends.

1508. Keep up the good work, and...

1509. - let's have a great harvest. Okay!

1510. - You guys still smoke? Yeah.

1511. - Cheers, dude. - Cheers.

1512. Witch's Titty, Aqua Butt,

1513. Beethoven's Nightmare, Postpartum Depression,

1514. Frog Jizz, Purple Durban...

1515. - It's really up there, man. - Good shot there, Lawrence.

1516. - All right, one, two, three. - (grunting)

1517. - Oh. - Got it? - Get it.

1518. - Ah! Ha-ha! - Yeah! Yeah!

1519. Yeah.

1520. No way this works.

1521. - Get it. - No. No!

1522. - Yeah. - You smoked the Poppy, dude!

1523. What was that beat that we were messing with once

1524. that was, like...

1525. - Yeah! - What was that?

1526. We should mess with that.

1527. Oh!

1528. - That was it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd it go though?

1529. What were the words though? What were the words?

1530. - That was it! - Yeah! Yeah!

1531. - She was always sick. - Lawrence hooked up with her!

1532. - Aw, come on. - That's right! You hooked up with her!

1533. - Don't do me like that. - (laughter)

1534. Come on, yo.

1535. That was it.

1536. - That was messed up. He wrote that. - Yeah.

1537. Pretty fun in there, man.

1538. I forgot how fun it is.

1539. Kind of makes me think

1540. that I fucking hate farming.

1541. I look at Conner, and I see that

1542. seven-year-old scrub that I grew up with, and...

1543. it's like, how could you be mad at a seven-year-old?

1544. It's crazy I spent so much time thinking about killing him.

1545. You guys see that? (laughs)

1546. You missed me!

1547. (gags) Oh, fuck!

1548. Conner's full of surprises these days, man.

1549. I mean, on our way from the airport,

1550. I actually noticed something crazy.

1551. I looked down, and in his bag he had this book

1552. called How to Be a Better Friend.

1553. It was all dog-eared and scribbled on.

1554. It feels like he's really trying.

1555. And plus, it shows he knows how to read,

1556. which is really heartening.

1557. - (whoops) - I can't believe we remembered that, man.

1558. Paula's calling you.

1559. Yo, there was a whole second verse

1560. - in that, too, remember that? - Yeah, what was it, dude?

1561. - I'm gonna grab it, I'm gonna grab it. - Okay.

1562. - You remember that? - Yeah. - (Conner sighs)

1563. Yo.

1564. Where the hell have you been?

1565. Um, hanging with the guys.

1566. It's actually been super fun, man.

1567. Conner, you just got offered the Poppy Awards.

1568. Wait, what?

1569. The Poppy Awards!

1570. Taylor Swift was arrested for murder.

1571. They want you to close the show.

1572. It is a huge spot.

1573. Six minutes to do whatever you want.

1574. But they need an answer now.

1575. Oh, shit. Um...

1576. This is what we've been waiting for, Conner!

1577. But that was the third verse though.

1578. - I'm talking about the second verse. - Okay.

1579. - Yeah. Yeah. - Like, what was the second verse?

1580. - Yeah, yeah. - Let's record it. - Oh, hell yeah.

1581. - Let me get on the boards. - What did Paula want, man?

1582. Oh, nothing. They wanted me to do the Pop Awards,

1583. but I passed on it.

1584. - Yo, what? - Dude, I don't want

1585. to do that shit. I'm hanging with you guys.

1586. Who fucking cares, dude? That's the Poppies.

1587. All right, but I thought this was, like,

1588. the whole reason you guys were mad at me,

1589. for going and doing all this solo shit.

1590. Dude, you don't have to choose between us and your solo shit.

1591. It's like with Wu-Tang Clan. It's like,

1592. you're Method Man, and he made a solo record,

1593. but he's still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

1594. He never stopped being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

1595. - Right. - Or, like, the GZA.

1596. He was in the Wu-Tang Clan, and then he made a solo record.

1597. He never stopped being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

1598. Yeah. Or you're the RZA,

1599. and you could do your solo shit,

1600. but you're still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

1601. So basically...

1602. we're the Wu-Tang Clan.

1603. Exactly. But better.

1604. Yeah. Well...

1605. As soon as I said it, I was kind of like, uh, maybe not.

1606. It's like we're three Tom Pettys

1607. and we're the Heartbreakers, you know?

1608. You're a Tom Petty,

1609. you're Tom Petty, and I'm Tom Petty,

1610. but together...

1611. - We're Tom Petty. - We're the Heartbreakers.

1612. - Oh, right, no. - We're the Heartbreakers.

1613. - Yeah, I lost it, too. - Yeah.

1614. We know you got to fly.

1615. You're like a beautiful bird... you got to be

1616. out there, you got to see it all,

1617. but we can be right there with you,

1618. as your little bird legs.

1619. So you think I should... do the Pop Awards?

1620. - Fuck yes! - Yeah.

1621. All right, well, I'm not going alone.

1622. Who are you gonna do it with?

1623. - With you guys! - Oh.

1624. - Do you want to come with me? - Oh, shit. - Yeah, yeah.

1625. - That's tight. - I was wondering who you were gonna...

1626. - All right. - We're so high! - That's tight.

1627. And the stars are arriving

1628. for this year's Pop Music Awards, the Poppies.

1629. Good. Let's go. You guys are all set.

1630. They know you're doing one Style Boyz song,

1631. and then we're gonna go into Conner's, uh, new single.

1632. Great.

1633. Oh, shit!

1634. Conner, what up though, dawg?

1635. - Oh. Yeah, what up, Hunter? - Yo, yo, yo, yo.

1636. Say hey to my doc real quick, baby.

1637. - Hi. - Yeah!

1638. Hey, you got a doc, I got a doc.

1639. You know what I'm saying? But now...

1640. like, I'm rolling with all these dudes and with Aquaspin.

1641. Like, I kind of Single White Female'd your ass.

1642. - Yeah, man, that's crazy. - Anyway, though, my man.

1643. Good to see you, man. You looking spiffy, you know?

1644. Yo, yo, this Hunter, dawg. I'm 'bout to get crazy

1645. - on this stage, baby. Oh, no, sorry, not your camera.

1646. - Huh? - We're with Conner.

1647. Oh, shit. My bad. Yo, this Hunter

1648. about to head into the Poppies, you know what I'm saying?

1649. No, sorry. We're with Snoop.

1650. Surprise, mothafucka!

1651. You're watching my brand-new show:

1652. Surprise Mothafucka

1653. with Snoop Dogg.

1654. And, mothafucka, you've been surprised.

1655. - (indistinct chatter) - Excuse me.

1656. - Excuse me, baby. - Hey, hey, okay, hey.

1657. Can somebody move out the...

1658. Hey, Mariah Carey. (sniffs)

1659. Your hair smells and looks great.

1660. Did you know Aquaspin has hair dryers and flatirons?

1661. No, I didn't.

1662. Aquaspin appliances are completely affordable

1663. - for college students. - (crowd booing)

1664. Honey, you're not doing ads now.

1665. - Really? What? - Read the damn prompter.

1666. Yo, you're messing with my money right now.

1667. - What the did you just say to me? - What?

1668. Yo, all y'all, all right?

1669. - And everybody else. - (booing continues)

1670. And Mariah Carey for leaving me up here.

1671. - Yeah, I said her. - Okay, say it again.

1672. No, oh, you still here? I thought you had left.

1673. Style Boyz?

1674. It's time.

1675. Yo, what the fuck was that, Harry?

1676. Why you got me up there saying that bullshit, man?

1677. I told you not to say it. You're the one

1678. who wanted to cash the check.

1679. Yo, you set me up, dude!

1680. You ain't nothing but, like, a fake, sellout, money-hungry

1681. pop, bullshit-ass manager!

1682. You ain't nothing but a Tony! Toni! Toné! reject, bitch!

1683. What the fuck you say to me?

1684. Say that shit again, young blood!

1685. I will eat your head!

1686. I will eat your fucking head!

1687. You better learn some respect!

1688. Yo, all right. Hey, man.

1689. I'm sorry, yo. Chill.

1690. Old-ass motherfucker.

1691. - Oh! - Shit.

1692. Why you hit me like that, dawg?

1693. Get yourself a new manager!

1694. Yo, are you serious?

1695. What the hell, man?

1696. - (whispers): Oh, my God. - (snickering)

1697. That was great, Harry!

1698. - It was insane, wasn't it? - Yeah. - Yeah.

1699. I was like, "Hey, get some respect."

1700. You know.

1701. Wow.

1702. Hey, look, Harry, I just want to say I'm sorry...

1703. No, don't. Don't worry about it.

1704. Just... get out there and have a good time.

1705. Good luck, guys.

1706. Thanks, Harry.

1707. Yeah. (chuckles)

1708. MAN (over P.A.): Hammerleg to stage left.

1709. (exhales) Okay, this is it.

1710. - You nervous? - For sure.

1711. Little bit.

1712. Don't be. We got this.

1713. - All right. See you out there. - See you out there.

1714. MAN (over P.A.): Conner4Real, 45 seconds.

1715. - Please take your seats. Oh, God, Conner.

1716. There you are. Look, the show's going way over,

1717. so you only have three minutes now.

1718. - What? - Yeah, you can only do one song,

1719. so I need to know, are you gonna do Conner4Real

1720. - or Style Boyz? - Uh...

1721. Yeah, no, I asked him.

1722. He's just kind of, like, looking off into space

1723. and, like, really making a meal out of this.

1724. And now I'm just standing here waiting.

1725. He's looking off to, like, contemplate

1726. whether he should, I think,

1727. pick the Style Boyz, 'cause he's, like,

1728. looking in their direction.

1729. So he might be leaning toward that kind of choi...

1730. No, he's looking back.

1731. So I-I'm lost. I'm not sure which one he's gonna go for.

1732. All right. I know what I'm gonna do.

1733. Our final performer tonight is a living legend

1734. and still a superstar.

1735. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only.

1736. Conner4Real!

1737. - Should we tell 'em? - Yeah. - Tell 'em, man.

1738. We made a new song at the farm.

1739. Yeah, we found Lawrence's journals,

1740. and they were just amazing.

1741. Amazing.

1742. Just full of incredible thoughts.

1743. Just, like, ideas and poems and stuff, nothing special.

1744. Yo, and then Conner had the idea to take a piano line

1745. - from my solo shit... - Conner put it all together.

1746. And the Poppies paired us with the craziest special guest

1747. to perform with.

1748. the Style Boyz together on stage again was like...

1749. I lived to see that.

1750. After that, you know, take me away, I'm done.

1751. A$AP ROCKY: Kid Contact, Kid Brain

1752. and Kid Conner all back together...

1753. the motherfucking Style Boyz.

1754. This is just some revolutionary shit, man.

1755. My heart is pounding right now.

1756. All I want to know, who was in that fish costume?

1757. That was amazing.

1758. (quietly): The fish was me!

1759. Tyrus!

1760. - (saxophone playing off-key) Harry!

1761. When it was happening, I was just like,

1762. yo, I cannot believe

1763. I'm here to witness this, man.

1764. - (song ends) - (crowd cheering)

1765. Yes! Yes! Fuck!

1766. Yes! (laughs)

1767. I just performed

1768. the "Donkey Roll" with the Style Boyz.

1769. I was a Style Boy.

1770. When I walked out onstage,

1771. all I could think of was,

1772. I'm so happy.

1773. And I really hope that Tony! Toni! Toné! is watching.

1774. And that they feel like shit.

1775. A wise man once said,

1776. "Everyone's career is on a wave.

1777. "Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.

1778. "But the trick is not to lose yourself along the way.

1779. And when you're up, don't be an asshole about it."

1780. It's like my mom always says...

1781. (laughs): Yo, what the fuck?

1782. That stage manager lady just macked on Lawrence super hard.

1783. Yo, do they even know each other?

1784. (laughs): Oh, my God!

1785. And why is De-bor-ah here?

1786. Anyways, be cool to your friends, right?

1787. That's what I was saying?

1788. Yo, they are gonna fuck!

1789. Damn that is hilarious.

1790. But the point is, be a good person,

1791. and the rest will fall into place.

1792. And that's Conner4Real.

1793. Isn't that right, Maximus 2?

1794. - (laughs) - (chitters)

1795. (high- It sure is, Conner.

1796. What? (laughs)

1797. He wasn't really talking. That was me doing the voice.

1798. - (wolf growls) - (yells)

1799. The Style Boyz are getting back together again!

1800. - (laughter) - Yeah, they broke up,

1801. then they buried the hatchet, and now I guess

1802. - they're working together again. - (laughter)

1803. - They're, like, friends from childhood. - Yeah! - For life!

1804. And they had, like, tough times,

1805. and now they feel good about being back together.

1806. - Yeah. - We're gonna put aside our differences!

1807. And actually do something.

1808. Because sometimes I think about doing that.

1809. - (laughs): Yeah. - I haven't talked to my mom

1810. - in three years. - (laughter stops)

1811. I moved out here, I thought I could get, like,

1812. a commercial agent.

1813. I just wanted to be a longboard model.

1814. I never graduated high school.

1815. I never graduated middle school.

1816. - (chuckles softly) - It'd be a lot of fun

1817. if the four of us hung out outside of the office.

1818. Hey, guys, can I ask you something really...

1819. that I've never really asked you before?

1820. - Yeah. - Do you guys have a photograph

1821. of James Franco leaving a Denny's?

1822. Oh, yeah! Totally! It's right here!

1823. - Let's see it! - Put it up!

1824. - (laughter) - Bring it up! - We got it!

1825. Oh, my God!

1826. This is amazing!

1827. Holy shit!

1828. Fuck yeah!