Playdate (2025)

1. - Stop it! - Dude, how sick is this?

2. We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

3. Oh, mama!

4. Pass the ball!

5. All right, guys, bring it in.

6. All right, come on, come on, come on,

7. Get in here. Huddle up.

8. We got a minute left here, okay? We are tied up.

9. Lucas, whe—where are you?

10. - Lucas, where are you? - I'm right here, Dad.

11. - Go, Lucas! - Get in here.

12. - You're on the team. Let's go. - Come on.

13. You're kidding. He sucks.

14. Nobody covered him in the second quarter.

15. I'm getting triple teamed out there.

16. Well, you know what? Then I'll tell you what. Um—

17. Dude, have you even played lacrosse?

18. Just cold play, loser.

19. Okay, fine. You know what— that's a play.

20. We're gonna get the ball to Lucas.

21. - What, are you high? - Yes, that's the plan.

22. Lucas, you're gonna take the shot.

23. We're gonna win this thing, okay?

24. Let's get in there. What do you say?

25. - I say we're gonna lose. - I don't care.

26. Let's win this thing as a team, guys.

27. - This is bullshit. - Let's go, guys.

28. Let's go. We are heroes.

29. Dad, are you sure about this?

30. I mean, everyone's just gonna be pissed off at me

31. if I mess this up.

32. Maybe I should just go sit on the bench.

33. Sit on the bench?

34. Buddy, you are set up for the hero moment.

35. When we watch those sports movies,

36. and it comes down to those final few seconds,

37. and everything turns to slow motion,

38. that's where the hero emerges.

39. Whoa!

40. Everything slows down, and they make the shot,

41. and it's victory!

42. And they throw 'em on their shoulders,

43. and they're going crazy.

44. The girls are gonna be “Lucas, Lucas!”

45. That's how we win.

46. - All right. - All right?

47. - Let's do it. - Let's make it happen.

48. I love you, Dad.

49. Okay, sshh. Hey, maybe lower.

50. This, this is sports. We don't—

51. we kind of— it's already assumed.

52. It's assumed.

53. Lucas!

54. All right, please, yes.

55. Oh, please.

56. Please, God. Please.

57. Yes!

58. Oh, my God!

59. Lucas, go!

60. Eye of the tiger!

61. What the hell is he doing?

62. Why is he moving in slow motion?

63. I might have told him to.

64. No! He had no right!

65. - No way! - You suck, Lucas.

66. You're okay. He's okay.

67. You just got the wind knocked out of ya.

68. He got the wind knocked out of him.

69. He's fine. Gonna come back quick.

70. Help me.

71. Maybe lacrosse isn't his thing?

72. I mean, maybe he's just not a sports kind of kid at all.

73. Look, playing a sport is important to him.

74. I mean, this is all I know.

75. This is what I did.

76. I—I connected with my father through sports.

77. Oh, honey, I know this whole new stepdad thing can't be easy

78. and I love that you're trying so hard to connect with him.

79. I really, I really am.

80. You and Lucas will find your thing too,

81. but you just gotta give it time.

82. You can't force it.

83. Come here. I love you.

84. I love you.

85. Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em next time, huh, bro?

86. Don't call me “bro,” dude.

87. Don't call me “dude,” son.

88. Don't call me “son,” bitch.

89. - I'm not a bitch, you're a— - Oh my God, stop.

90. You okay?

91. Yeah, fine, it's just...

92. By the way, how long does it take Lucas to take a leak?

93. Oh, can you check on him for me?

94. He gets bladder shy.

95. Yeah.

96. Oh, shit. It's Pukas.

97. What's up, Pukas?

98. Look, I'm sorry if I did anything to piss you guys off.

99. Honestly, I—I just want it to be cool between us.

100. Oh, shit.

101. Hey! Don't touch him.

102. Daddy's here.

103. Let's go, Lucas.

104. Let me tell you something.

105. You touch him again, I come back here,

106. I personally kick every one of your asses.

107. Every one, every ass.

108. I kick it, you understand?

109. Just let's go, Lucas. Come on.

110. Do you understand what you guys almost got into?

111. Do you have any idea the annihilation

112. that would have taken place here?

113. Annihilation. Wait, you want to go?

114. You feeling frisky? You want to go?

115. You know what? I'll go.

116. - Hm? - You want to go?

117. - Let's go. - How old are you?

118. What the hell where'd you come from?

119. - Let's go. - I don't—

120. I'm not saying I don't want to go.

121. I'm just saying we can go.

122. Stop talking shit and just do it, old man.

123. - Hit me. - Bring the voice down.

124. Okay, we're in a locker room. It's a lot of acoustics.

125. You just said you could kick all our asses.

126. I know. I haven't even eaten yet.

127. We have reservations at Benihana.

128. You know where they do the smoking volcano thing

129. with the runyons.

130. It's fine. Let's go, Lucas man.

131. Go. Just... better watch it next time.

132. Yeah.

133. All right.

134. What's that kid's name anyway?

135. - Kurt. - Kurt.

136. Freaking Kurt.

137. Do you realize how... how—how

138. - that would have went down? - Oh, yeah.

139. I would have kicked all their asses.

140. - Yeah, definitely. - Yeah.

141. Now, I should go back there. I'm gonna go back there.

142. - No, no, no, no. - He's probably not there, right?

143. - I mean, I'm gonna— - It's fine, Dad.

144. I should just close this shit out, man.

145. - This is crazy. - No, no, no, no.

146. It's—it's fine, Dad.

147. I'm used to it.

148. What do you mean you're used to it?

149. That's not...

150. see, that's not something you should be used to.

151. How often does this happen?

152. Uh, every day.

153. I mean, there's no way for him to escape.

154. Did you know it was this bad?

155. No. What should we do?

156. Nothing now, because I slammed it down.

157. I shut it, you know? I took care of things.

158. I nipped it in the bud, you know? So—

159. You got to call the school and the principal right away.

160. What? No. You can't do that.

161. Then he's a rat.

162. You saw The Departed. He'll get whacked.

163. Brian, you're his dad now.

164. This is something a dad needs to handle.

165. You're right. You're right.

166. I... Hey, look at me.

167. I promise you I'll never let anything bad happen to him.

168. All right?

169. - All right. - I gotta get back to work.

170. When I get back, we'll take care of this, all right?

171. Hey, no more bullies.

172. Kick his ass!

173. - Please get off! - Oh, oh!

174. Get him, you little bitch!

175. Dude, I got five grand on you!

176. Go, go!

177. C—Claire said you wanted to see me?

178. Hey, buddy.

179. Yeah, come on in.

180. Just, uh, just grab— grab a seat.

181. - Go! Go! - You can do it!

182. Believe in yourself!

183. Yeah! Whoo!

184. Pay up,

185. Hey, so listen.

186. The Pfizer thing.

187. You're gonna straighten out those numbers, right?

188. Well, I mean, the numbers are what the numbers are.

189. First of all, don't yell at me.

190. Okay, then. I didn't think I was yelling.

191. Sounded like yelling.

192. Numbers are a little tight, dawg,

193. so just make them a little loosey-goosey, you know?

194. Well, I mean, if we loosen them up—

195. Hey, calm down.

196. If we loosen them up,

197. then what you're gonna do is you're basically,

198. you're asking me to commit fraud.

199. What?

200. Whoa.

201. Listen, Dad is gonna flip out if he sees these numbers.

202. Bro, you can't let Dad flip out.

203. You can't let Dad flip out.

204. I mean, he's not— he's not my dad.

205. - What? - How dare you!

206. You shut your face!

207. Let me ask you something.

208. How do you think this is going?

209. Well, I thought it was going better when I first—

210. That's not a question.

211. But here's the answer: You're fired!

212. My dad always hated you.

213. Okay.

214. Shake it, girl.

215. So they called you a baby back bitch?

216. Do they do that a lot?

217. No, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is.

218. I had to lay down the law is what I did.

219. But, you know, there's the standards.

220. There's standards. I'm just cut from the cloth

221. of a higher standard, if that makes any sense.

222. I don't know if it does,

223. but that's—you—you get what I'm saying, right?

224. No, you're right.

225. Yeah. You're right.

226. What?

227. You're such a badass.

228. You're not a baby back bitch.

229. We'll just have to cut back on a few things

230. until you find something else.

231. Maybe we pump the brakes on his dance lessons, huh?

232. Mm-hm. Mm, mm.

233. We're paying for that?

234. A lot.

235. You know, I still have that open invitation

236. to rejoin my old firm.

237. I thought you wanted to stay home with Lucas.

238. I do, but we also need an income, right?

239. So maybe you tag in

240. and do the whole stay-at-home dad thing

241. for a bit.

242. You want me to stay at home with—with him all day,

243. just me and him?

244. It would just be temporary.

245. Plus, it'd be so good for you and Lucas.

246. It would give you all this one-on-one time

247. to just like bond.

248. Ugh!

249. Was that good?

250. Very good, sweetie. It was very good.

251. There's really no way to tell, pal.

252. Hey, bud.

253. Aren't you, uh, supposed to be in school?

254. No, it's teacher in service day.

255. The hell is that?

256. It's when teachers learn new techniques

257. to help them with their teaching.

258. And you get a day off for that?

259. Why don't they work that out on their,

260. like, their own time?

261. Well, I don't know, but it's good for us.

262. So what are we gonna do today?

263. We?

264. Boom. There you are. A puzzle.

265. Look at that. Huh?

266. It's 25,000 pieces.

267. Yeah, it is.

268. That's weeks' worth.

269. Maybe even a month. Who knows?

270. - I'm kind of hungry, actually. - Oh.

271. Am I supposed to cook you something,

272. - or— - Sure

273. Is that what your mother would do?

274. - Mm-hmm. - All right. Uh, yeah.

275. Let's, uh, let's get after it.

276. You ever try intermittent fasting, by the way?

277. - Intermittent fasting? - Fasting, yeah.

278. It's amazing for your colon.

279. I'm in with you. Let's both do it.

280. What do you say?

281. Okay, well... I'm sorry.

282. I'm just really hungry.

283. - Okay. - Sorry.

284. All right, uh...

285. Sometimes Mom makes me breakfast sandwiches

286. with the King's Hawaiian rolls.

287. Oh, these are cool.

288. These are really good. I like them.

289. - Yeah. - Yeah.

290. All right, so you know what to do with that,

291. and that's—that's amazing.

292. - That's really cool. - Yeah, I think so.

293. - All right. - Great.

294. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, sure.

295. You want to make them with me or...?

296. No, you're good.

297. All right.

298. You wanna throw the football around?

299. Do a little boxing?

300. - Nah. - We could do, uh—

301. How about this?

302. Or just do weird crap on your own,

303. that's fine too.

304. But you do owe me 50 bucks,

305. I'm not fooling around on that.

306. I'll give you 50 bucks.

307. - Relax. - You relax.

308. I want my fucking money.

309. This dude looks like my AA sponsor.

310. Dude looks like my garbage man.

311. Who are you?

312. I'm Brian.

313. Do you party, Brian?

314. Do I party?

315. Mm-hmm.

316. I mean, in college, I did, I guess.

317. I'm Leslie.

318. This is Ivy, Jess and Marla.

319. We got the Mama Mafia here.

320. - What's up? - What's up?

321. Hello. Nice to meet you, uh... Mama Mafia.

322. Did you take my parking spot, Brian?

323. Oh, is that yours?

324. All the gray Honda Odysseys?

325. All of them, are they all yours?

326. - Yeah. - Safest SUV on the market

327. and gray's least likely to get stolen.

328. Is there a problem?

329. No, no, no, I didn't know.

330. And it was just felt like crazy to me,

331. but crazy sensible.

332. Like you got the exact same color and everything.

333. It's pretty cool.

334. - Snack bag? - Oh, thank you very much.

335. - I appreciate that. - Those are for the kids.

336. Yeah, I know they are.

337. Give it back, Brian.

338. Back, Brian.

339. You've had enough frickin' snacks.

340. So you want to be in?

341. You want to join the mafia?

342. Do I want to join the Mama Mafia?

343. - Yeah. - No.

344. I don't—I don't even know,

345. you know, what the Mama Mafia really is about.

346. It's easy. Weekdays, we're here at 10 AM,

347. we drop the kids, they go apeshit.

348. Yeah, at 12, we caravan down to Chili's, eat lunch,

349. and get ripped up.

350. But mainly to get ripped up!

351. Yeah, you want some wine?

352. I... I don't drink so much during the day, you know?

353. You want coke? Ivy's got speed.

354. No, not now, 'cause I'm watching my, uh, son. Um—

355. You're gonna have to lose the windbreaker, though.

356. - Oh. - You want to get jumped in?

357. - Jumped in? - Yeah.

358. You can keep your clothes on.

359. Uh, not right away. You know what it is?

360. Oh, that's Lucas.

361. Okay, that's my boy.

362. He's a wanderer and my wife got him

363. this wearable GPS tracker.

364. - Did your wife pick your jacket? - She might have.

365. I'll see you later.

366. - Uh— - No, you won't, Brian.

367. - Okay. - You freaking won't.

368. I hope not. All right, Lucas,

369. let's just try to throw a spiral,

370. - you know what I'm saying? - Okay.

371. Spiral. You want to position your hand

372. on the back quarter of the ball.

373. Here you go. It's just a nice, tight spiral.

374. Nice and tight.

375. Okay. All right. Can you pick that one up?

376. - Love you, Dad. - Yeah, no worries.

377. Try to catch those, okay?

378. Makes it so much more fun.

379. That wasn't it.

380. - I'm sorry. - Okay.

381. Sorry. My bad.

382. This is gonna suck.

383. Thread that needle, I see it.

384. Was that good?

385. That's more— that wasn't threaded,

386. that was more crochet.

387. All right.

388. All right, Lucas, let's turn it up a notch.

389. What do you say, okay?

390. See what I'm doin'?

391. Okay, you try to catch those though.

392. That's what you got to do. You take it right in the chest.

393. Hey, give you a little tip.

394. It's these fingers for a spiral.

395. Yeah, I know how to throw a spiral.

396. It's probably because you got tiny hands.

397. It can be tricky with little mitts like that.

398. You just got to adjust your grip like this.

399. You don't, well— I mean a little bit, yeah.

400. Hey, what do you say we play a game?

401. Nah, I'm good. I'm just...

402. You thinking like a little two-on-two?

403. No, I'm not thinking that at all.

404. Okay, fun. CJ, go cover his kid! Here.

405. - I didn't even— - Hike it. Hike the ball.

406. I don't even know what we're doing.

407. Hey, stay tight on him. Stay tight.

408. - That's all we're doing. - Hike it, dude.

409. - I don't even know the rules. - Ready? Ready?

410. Can you just listen? Oh my God!

411. Oh look, they're friends already.

412. Shake it, girl, come and get it.

413. Do you mind, uh, getting off me?

414. Fatherhood, huh?

415. Come on.

416. Okay.

417. Okay.

418. Oh, look, your kid's catching a bug with my little bugger.

419. Oh, that should keep them busy for a while.

420. I stand corrected.

421. CJ, let it go!

422. No! Drop it!

423. Hmm.

424. Dude's always putting stuff in his mouth.

425. Your kid ever go through that phase?

426. Maybe when he was one.

427. Yeah, we're taking a little longer.

428. Name's Jeff.

429. Uh, Brian.

430. Outstanding.

431. You ever go by “Bri-Bri”?

432. - No. - Oh, come on.

433. Bri-Bri is a badass name, dude.

434. I knew a Bri-Bri in the army once.

435. Bri-Bri once used a severed arm of a Taliban

436. to diffuse an IED in a sewer.

437. I miss Bri-Bri.

438. Was he killed in action?

439. No, got crushed by a van leaving Chipotle.

440. What about one Bri? Is that cool?

441. - Sure. - Okay, Bri...

442. Bri.

443. Okay. Uh, Lucas. Let's get going, bud.

444. - What do you say, you know? - Already?

445. - Yeah. - We just got here.

446. Yeah, I know but your mother wanted us back

447. for dinner and things.

448. We got to get ready.

449. - Dad, it's 10 in the morning. - I...

450. But CJ invited me over his house.

451. He just moved here

452. and he said there's a tree in his backyard

453. that looks just like Mark Ruffalo.

454. Freakin' uncanny.

455. It's why we rented the place.

456. So can we go over their house, please?

457. CJ's cool.

458. He said my hoodie's dope.

459. It is a pretty dope ass hoodie.

460. Please?

461. Sure, sure. All right. Why not.

462. - Hell yeah, dude! - Yeah, okay.

463. Fuck yeah!

464. CJ, game on!

465. They're coming to our place, bro.

466. Up high.

467. - Whoa. - Mm.

468. Doesn't totally get high fives.

469. You wanna dance?

470. I said submit!

471. Submit!

472. No, CJ! No! Release.

473. CJ, stand down!

474. CJ, stop it!

475. Little dude's super strong.

476. Oh, yeah.

477. You guys go on ahead while I put him out real quick.

478. - Okay, yeah. - Okay, yeah.

479. - Go to sleep. Sleep. - We're gonna go.

480. I'm so excited to be here.

481. Yeah, don't get too comfortable, all right?

482. I texted your mom our location, you know, just in case.

483. Well, just in case what?

484. In case the guy murders us.

485. - Hey! - Hey.

486. - Come in, come in. - Hey, CJ. What's up?

487. - Okay. - Don't let go.

488. All right.

489. - There we go. - Yeah.

490. Hey, I'm good.

491. - Missed you, buddy. - Yeah, nice to see you.

492. We're still unpacking,

493. but I did clean the place up for you.

494. Sorry. I'm beat, man.

495. - Yeah. - CJ barely sleeps.

496. Lucky if he gets two hours a night.

497. Two hours? That can't be healthy.

498. Yeah, it's fine.

499. What's that old saying?

500. Kids are like horses?

501. No, no one's ever said that at all.

502. Wow. Were you in the Army?

503. I was.

504. Well, that's Bri-Bri with Commander Colonel Kurtz.

505. First Special Forces Operational Detachment.

506. Delta Force.

507. Whoa. Delta Force?

508. Yeah. You know, one time,

509. I saw two guys get their heads blown off.

510. One guy bled out in my arms

511. while I slowly watched him die.

512. Sick, right?

513. - Right? - Mm-hmm.

514. - Jesus. - Wow.

515. Pretty crazy story.

516. I'm sure you got a lot more, but if you tell me,

517. you're gonna have to kill me, right?

518. I am gonna have to kill you.

519. Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy!

520. Hey!

521. Oh, shit.

522. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. There was some left in there.

523. Oh, God.

524. It's a ketchup dispenser.

525. Came with a matching mustard gun.

526. Isn't that fun?

527. Let me get you a paper towel.

528. Hey, Dad. Dad.

529. Isn't Jeff super cool and strong,

530. and look how big he is.

531. Yeah, he's big, but it's— it's genetics, you know?

532. I mean, I'm sure his dad was very big,

533. and his mother was an American bison.

534. Plus, when you get that big, you don't live that long.

535. Okay, whatever.

536. Uh, CJ, want to go outside

537. so I can show you some more dance moves?

538. Hell yeah!

539. Oh, you're okay with him cursing like that?

540. Yeah, words can't hurt anyone.

541. Worst case, I tell him to go to bed,

542. he calls me a buck-tooth bitch.

543. All right.

544. If you don't mind me asking, I mean, where's CJ's mom?

545. Oh, she passed away a few months ago.

546. Yeah, she was real sick.

547. Sorry to hear about that.

548. That's all right. She was gonna die anyway.

549. That's why we moved to a new town.

550. Make a fresh start, you know?

551. Had some money saved up from a security gig.

552. Thought I'd do the stay-at-home-dad thing

553. while CJ gets acclimated.

554. What about you?

555. Your wife croak too?

556. No. She's alive and well at work.

557. - Oh. - Yeah.

558. She's a lawyer. I'm a forensic accountant.

559. Oh, forensics?

560. Like autopsies and stuff?

561. Forensic accountant.

562. Oh, that's boring.

563. So what does CJ stand for anyway?

564. Christopher Jif.

565. - Like the peanut butter? - Uh-huh.

566. Like this peanut butter?

567. The one you looked at right before you said Jif?

568. Yeah, I looked at the peanut butter

569. because I was thinking of making us

570. some peanut butter sandwiches,

571. which was CJ's mom's favorite food,

572. which is why his middle name is Jif.

573. Oh, hey, look at that fun list of stuff I did for me and CJ

574. to do now that his mom went tits-up.

575. - One, make new friends. - Check.

576. - Go to Buckee Cheese. - Oh, love Buckee Cheese.

577. Do ayahuasca in the desert.

578. He's gonna love that.

579. Freak out the fat lady across the street.

580. Dad? Dad?

581. There's a guy in the backyard watching us.

582. Where?

583. Lucas is just kidding.

584. No, I'm not. I'm serious.

585. There's a guy out there.

586. - He's just staring at us. - Come on, Lucas.

587. Hey, I got an idea.

588. Why don't we go get lunch?

589. - You guys like Buckee Cheese? - Sure.

590. You can help us cross it off the list.

591. - Can we, Dad? - Of course we can.

592. Uh, you know, he's got a dance lesson.

593. No, I don't.

594. Hope no one's allergic to fun.

595. I know I'm not.

596. Okay. Pile in, boys.

597. What the hell is with all the gray Odysseys?

598. This is awesome, right?

599. - You suck. - Creeper.

600. Man, that kid is fearless.

601. Look at him hanging upside down from—

602. what's he hanging upside down on?

603. That would be the sprinkler system.

604. Oh. Well, you know what they say.

605. A kid falls and cracks his skull,

606. - that's how they learn, right? - Mm, no.

607. No, that's not how they—

608. no one's ever said that.

609. Look at how happy he is.

610. You know, this is the first time

611. I've ever seen him smile.

612. You never—you never seen your kid smile?

613. Since his mom died.

614. Yeah, like, I'm—I'm—I'm sorry.

615. You know, I can't imagine what you guys—

616. Man, God is so good.

617. You know, the first day my son meets his new best friend,

618. so did I.

619. Fathead.

620. - Do you want to start a band? - No.

621. Um, well, you know, uh—Jeff, look, I—I—

622. First of all, this is—this is great.

623. - I know. - Yeah, and you...

624. you just seem like a great guy.

625. You do. You got the thing.

626. And—and things are moving kind of fast with this whole thing.

627. Like, a lot is going on in my life right now

628. and it feels like, you know, you're asking a lot, you know?

629. So first of all, I want to tell you about myself.

630. I've recently got married.

631. It just feels like I gotta concentrate on that.

632. You really can't be best friends

633. with somebody when things are moving so fast

634. when you don't know someone so well.

635. I mean—Oh, no, no.

636. Listen, I didn't mean— I didn't mean it like that.

637. Hello, miss.

638. Can I get the super socks for 500 tickets, please?

639. Thanks.

640. Whoa.

641. Holy shit!

642. - Dude, what the hell? - You broke his face!

643. Sorry, I thought he was a friend of mine.

644. Holy shit!

645. No, no, no, no! Aahhh!

646. Well, hello.

647. Play with me, camper.

648. No.

649. Oh, my God!

650. Holy shit! Is this real?

651. Somebody help us!

652. Get your hands off me.

653. Give me a hug!

654. - No, no hug. - Love me!

655. Get the hell away from me, you freaking weirdo.

656. Aahh! Please stop!

657. Oh my God. Mommy!

658. Hey, give me—hey!

659. Ooh, shiny.

660. Stupid!

661. Who wants to be tickled?

662. - That's enough. - Dude.

663. Just give me a hug, man.

664. You just grabbed love handles.

665. You don't do that.

666. No, no, no!

667. Don't be such a baby!

668. Give me a hug, man!

669. What's your problem?

670. - Smile! - Take the photo!

671. - Smile! - Take the photo, man!

672. Just relax!

673. - I'm not paying for that. - Yes, you are.

674. - Thanks, Lucy! - Stop it.

675. Ow! Asshole!

676. Welcome to the jungle, bitch!

677. I'm gonna kick your ass!

678. How'd you find me?

679. How'd you—?

680. All right, shooters...

681. hoedown.

682. moves, shoot it! Let them critters have it!

683. Come on, big bitch!

684. - Okay. - Yippee ki-yay, mother—!

685. - Hey, Dad! - Hey, guys.

686. Guess you missed freakin' Buckee.

687. What a freakin'--

688. Hey, look at that, pizza's here.

689. Thank you so much.

690. All right, guys, dig in.

691. What's that?

692. What is what?

693. Haven't you ever had pizza before?

694. No.

695. Your—your dad's never taken you for pizza?

696. Jeff's not my dad.

697. Jeff's not your dad?

698. No.

699. Who... who is he?

700. I don't know.

701. He just took me.

702. All right, that's it. I knew something was wrong.

703. Everybody get up, get up. Get up right now.

704. Come with me.

705. Let's go.

706. Look, ma'am, this is an emergency, okay?

707. His wristband doesn't match yours.

708. Okay, you're—you're okay with a kid

709. dangling from a sprinkler system,

710. but all of a sudden an adult wants to leave

711. with a kid that's not his,

712. and you have a problem with that?

713. That didn't come out right, but look—look,

714. do I—do I look like a predator?

715. Yeah.

716. Is it the windbreaker?

717. Yeah.

718. No!

719. Slow down!

720. - Sorry. - Look, do you know this man?

721. No. I don't know any of these people.

722. That's a lie. That's a lie right there.

723. You lie. We met today at the park.

724. - You don't remember meeting us— - Buckee, thank you.

725. - Please. - What's up, pal?

726. - Okay. - You're a tough guy now?

727. We've been through this already.

728. - Buckee, look out! - Oh, shit.

729. Buckee! Holy shit!

730. Come here, man.

731. You guys stay with me. Stay with me.

732. Hey, Lucas, stop.

733. Hey, trust me, you don't have a choice.

734. Hop in, boys. Seat belts.

735. Hey, why did CJ tell us you're not his dad?

736. Because I'm not.

737. Okay. Lucas, get out of the van.

738. I can't.

739. I'm sick of this shit.

740. Bring it, bitch.

741. Who the hell are you?

742. Who's that guy?

743. A guy who wants to kill you.

744. - Who are they? - They want to kill you, too.

745. - Why? - Because they think you know.

746. Know what?

747. Get in, Bri!

748. Shit! Man!

749. I don't know anything.

750. Why would they think I know?

751. - Dad, what's going on? - Nothing.

752. We're just having a little fun.

753. It's just some fun, right guys?

754. - You guys having fun? - Not really.

755. Okay, get those seat belts on now!

756. He's got a gun!

757. No, no. What the hell is that?

758. What are you doing?

759. We're on a freeway.

760. Just tell me what the hell is going on.

761. Hey buddies, put some headphones on

762. and throw in one of my DVDs back there.

763. Doctor Hannibal Lecter.

764. Can you just tell me?

765. Look, they're not after me.

766. They're after CJ.

767. CJ? Why are they after him?

768. Because I rescued him from some very bad people.

769. What—what kind of bad people?

770. - I don't know, bad people. - Okay, that's it.

771. Do me a favor, pull—pull over right now.

772. - Let us out. - Oh, no way.

773. You've got one too.

774. What the hell? Are you kidding me?

775. Oh, your child abduction photo

776. is way better than mine.

777. Amber Bros.

778. Okay, pull the car over right now.

779. I'm calling the cops. That's it, you're done.

780. Probably not a good idea

781. with the whole Amber alert and all, huh?

782. The hell's my phone?

783. Fuck!

784. I left it at Buckee Cheese.

785. I'm not turning around, Bri-Bri.

786. The hostess at Buckee Cheese thought I was,

787. you know, kidnapping the kids.

788. Do I look like a child predator?

789. It's the windbreaker.

790. Incoming call from Emily.

791. Dad, why is Mom calling Jeff?

792. Oh, uh, because I gave Mom Jeff's contact info

793. - in case— - In case what?

794. In case things went really well,

795. and then we became, like, best friends.

796. We're all just, like, hanging out together.

797. It's like, hey—

798. Well, we don't want to disappoint her.

799. No, no, no, no.

800. Emily! Hey, how you doing sweetie?

801. Oh, hi. Um, is this Jeff?

802. Hit me with it girl.

803. I can't wait to meet you in person.

804. I've heard so many good things.

805. - Okay, hey— - Brian won't shut up about you.

806. - Hey, Em. - Hey.

807. Jeff sounds so nice.

808. You said he was some kind of like dumb-ass weirdo.

809. No, no, no, no. He's not a weirdo.

810. No, no, no. I said he's like a speirdo.

811. He carries a lot of spirit and funness.

812. Oh, a speirdo?

813. Well, look at you making friends.

814. Oh, wow.

815. Are you guys in like a high speed chase or something?

816. Second one today.

817. Crazy shit, right?

818. It's insane indeed.

819. Hey, how's that conference going?

820. Pretty eventful, actually.

821. You'll never guess who I ran into.

822. That's awesome. Say hi for me.

823. Buckle in, boys.

824. What are you doing?

825. Relax, Bri.

826. Just let me do my thing.

827. Hey, hey. Slow down.

828. You're gonna kill someone.

829. Hey, hey, hey!

830. What are you crazy?

831. Oh, my God.

832. Whoa.

833. Hey, stop!

834. - Stop! - No, no, no.

835. - Move. - No, no, no.

836. Move.

837. - Move. - No!

838. Move.

839. Read the signs!

840. They're suggestions.

841. Hands on the wheel! Hands on the wheel!

842. Oh my God!

843. Go, go, go!

844. No! Holy shit!

845. - Hey, there's a baby! - Baby.

846. There's a baby!

847. Run!

848. Are you purposely trying to hit people?

849. - Uh-uh. Oh, shit. - No!

850. Ha-ha.

851. - No! - It's on you.

852. Take the wheel. All right.

853. - Whoo! - Keep going.

854. Look out! Oh, my God.

855. We got a problem here?

856. We got a problem here?

857. We got a problem?

858. Oh, shit.

859. Dad, the police.

860. Oh my god! Are you serious?

861. Still want me to pull over?

862. Remember, you're a child abductor.

863. You're a child abductor, Dad?

864. - Put your headphones on. - He is.

865. Man, what are we gonna do?

866. Boom! That was cool of them, right?

867. Look at this.

868. It's like our tribe.

869. The Mama Mafia.

870. A bunch of drunk ass soccer moms.

871. Probably on their way to have lunch.

872. What kind of food?

873. Oh, shit.

874. A fricking pedo drives one of ours.

875. What—what are you doing?

876. Blending in, Bri. Watch this shit.

877. Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa!

878. What the hell's she doing?

879. - What the hell are you doing? - Look, I can't be seen.

880. You got an Amber alert on you, bro.

881. I think we're way past that.

882. Ladies, our day has finally come.

883. Pedo on the parkway, and he's right behind me.

884. Oh my god, Leslie. What do we do?

885. Assume the diamond formation.

886. This is what we train for, ladies.

887. Roger that. I'm going in.

888. Watch my six, Marla.

889. Let's castrate this mother—

890. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, hey. Why are you slowing down?

891. Cuz your girlfriends are boxing me in.

892. It's on, Bri.

893. I'm gonna ram the shit out of 'em.

894. Yeah, ram 'em.

895. No, do not ram them.

896. Oh, shit.

897. - She's hot, bro. - Don't start with her.

898. Dude, she's a firecracker.

899. I don't think I can kill this one.

900. What?

901. Whoa. Shit.

902. What up, bitch?

903. Oh, I'm the bitch?

904. I'm the bitch?

905. Can we not try and kill her, please?

906. Eli! Eli, take your earphones out.

907. Get Mama's taser from her purse.

908. No, not that one, the other taser.

909. Yeah, you're gonna put your Fortnite skills to use, sweetie.

910. See that dickface in the front seat?

911. No.

912. That's man's a pervert.

913. What do we do to perverts, honey?

914. We zap him in the ball sack.

915. Face works too, honey.

916. Make Mama proud.

917. Little minion's trying to execute me, dude.

918. Just shut the window.

919. I'm not backing down, Brian.

920. - He's the enemy. - He's 12!

921. Exactly!

922. Eli, what the hell are you waiting for?

923. Take him down!

924. You ain't gonna do it. You ain't shit, bro.

925. You ain't shit!

926. Oh my god!

927. Did you just see that?

928. Dad, they're not stopping!

929. What are we gonna do?

930. Relax, Bri.

931. These things have a way of working themselves out.

932. Ooh.

933. You see what I'm saying, Bri?

934. Woo! Yes!

935. Oh my, pound it, dude!

936. - Pound it! - No!

937. I'm not pounding it!

938. - Whoo! - Whoo!

939. All right, that's it. We're out of here.

940. Totally.

941. Let's take a breather, Bri-Bri.

942. Stop calling me Bri-Bri, okay?

943. We're not friends.

944. Wow.

945. What the hell is that?

946. Thanks to your creepy Amber alert,

947. we got to steal another one.

948. You stole that?

949. You think I bought some bitch-ass minivan?

950. That's it. CJ, Lucas, we are going.

951. We're out of here.

952. You're not taking CJ.

953. Oh, I absolutely am.

954. - Where are you gonna go? - Home.

955. Out of here.

956. Away from this freaking insanity.

957. Yeah.

958. Oh, my God!

959. Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.

960. Really? Why not?

961. 'Cause they're gonna find you and your family

962. and murder the shit out of every last one of you.

963. What's your problem?

964. Hey, Lucas, stay in eyesight, huh?

965. How are they gonna find me, huh?

966. Cause they found me, Bri.

967. And I drove 200 miles to escape 'em.

968. Ugh.

969. Okay.

970. Wait.

971. Okay, if I tell you the story, you gotta promise

972. to keep an open mind.

973. You don't look like you're gonna keep an open mind.

974. I will keep an open mind. Can you just go?

975. So remember that security gig I took when I left the army?

976. Well, it was at this top secret building.

977. I didn't know who owned it or what went on in there

978. because I was never allowed inside.

979. The job was pretty strenuous.

980. Lots of problem solving.

981. And I got to pretend I was Kung Fu freaking Panda,

982. which was pretty freaking awesome.

983. Hiya!

984. So all I was told to do was patrol the area

985. and submit to random drug tests, Ow.

986. which I have no idea how I passed,

987. 'cause there's like literally no chance I passed.

988. Anyway, so when I was working this top secret building,

989. the only other employee I ever saw there

990. was this bearded dude

991. who looked just like Zach Galifianakis.

992. But it wasn't him, 'cause I asked him once and he said,

993. "No, but I get that all the time."

994. You see, we were never allowed to give our real names.

995. So I just called him Galifianak-ish.

996. So a few weeks ago,

997. this truck pulls up to the warehouse with a package,

998. which was super weird

999. because I don't even have an Amazon account.

1000. I didn't want to leave it outside all night

1001. in case it was something super important,

1002. like the Ark of the Covenant.

1003. So I brought it in.

1004. And that's when I heard it.

1005. Oh, shit.

1006. You're surrounded, asshole!

1007. We're—we're all gonna blow your head off.

1008. Oh my god. Who's there?

1009. I'm in here.

1010. So I busted through the door

1011. because I'm big and freaking awesome.

1012. And then what did I do?

1013. I rescued him like a rescuer.

1014. Like the Yellowstone guy from The Bodyguard,

1015. but way more badass and cool.

1016. And there you have it.

1017. - There you have it? - Yeah.

1018. You are gorilla-ass crazy.

1019. Do you understand that?

1020. Agh!

1021. Liquid Psycho.

1022. This stuff's amazing, huh?

1023. A thousand milligrams of caffeine.

1024. Is that a lot?

1025. I mean, I feel like I'm on fire.

1026. Like I'm riding a dragon, like, like I'm white lightning!

1027. Kids! Kids!

1028. Oh my god! Calm down!

1029. Now, who are these guys?

1030. Why don't we just go to the cops?

1031. Well, there was a little misunderstanding.

1032. What type of misunderstanding?

1033. Good morning. So here's the deal.

1034. He's not my kid, but he's definitely someone's kid,

1035. so I had to steal him away.

1036. But now that I stole him,

1037. I think someone's coming after us trying to kill us.

1038. You guys know what I'm saying, right?

1039. That is quite a misunderstanding.

1040. Right?

1041. So cops are kind of out of the question now.

1042. What?

1043. Is he coming?

1044. Check it. I stole these.

1045. No freakin' way.

1046. Pukas.

1047. What's up, Pukas?

1048. Is this your new girlfriend?

1049. We got a problem here?

1050. We got a problem here, punk ass?

1051. Oh, shit.

1052. You're frickin' dead.

1053. So nothing you've told me is true.

1054. There's no dead wife.

1055. Well, that's good news, right?

1056. Okay. So let me get this straight.

1057. There's a group of hardcore guys out there that wanna kill me

1058. and my entire family, all because you stole CJ

1059. from some secret facility.

1060. - Is that it? - Yeah.

1061. Anything else you lied about?

1062. Actually, I might have lied

1063. about something else.

1064. Yeah, I'm feeling that.

1065. CJ's name isn't Christopher Jif.

1066. It's not?

1067. That's a peanut butter.

1068. I don't know what it stands for.

1069. So, you're right, Bri.

1070. All we have is each other now.

1071. I never said that.

1072. Lucas, CJ, let's go.

1073. Where the hell are they?

1074. Lucas! CJ!

1075. CJ!

1076. Oh, my God!

1077. They found us.

1078. What are you doing?

1079. Stealing a car.

1080. Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.

1081. Now is this meant to be or is this meant to be?

1082. - I'm gonna get my kid. - Bri-Bri!

1083. Damn it.

1084. Lucas!

1085. Lucas!

1086. - What's happening? - Lucas!

1087. She brought a casserole. It was awful.

1088. - Lucas! - What's going on?

1089. Lucas!

1090. Oh, my God!

1091. Lucas!

1092. Lucas!

1093. It's okay. It's okay.

1094. I got you, all right?

1095. - You're safe, you're safe. - No, no. Where's Jeff?

1096. We don't need Jeff, okay?

1097. No, we gotta find Jeff.

1098. He needs to protect us, Dad.

1099. We gotta find him.

1100. No, no, no!

1101. No!

1102. No! No, no, no! No!

1103. You see that?

1104. Sick, right?

1105. God, I'm good!

1106. Okay, not bad.

1107. Dad, they're still coming.

1108. Go, go, go, go!

1109. Are they coming?

1110. How do they keep finding us?

1111. You thinking Treadstone?

1112. Okay, that's a movie. That's not real.

1113. You know, the way they track Matt Damon.

1114. You know, everything on us is traceable.

1115. That's it. They have my phone.

1116. They're—they're tracking Lucas with my phone.

1117. Okay, Lucas, take your GPS button

1118. and turn it off, okay?

1119. And keep it off.

1120. Yeah, keep it off, Lucas.

1121. This is all your fault.

1122. I'm kidding, dude.

1123. I'm kidding.

1124. It's mostly your fault, but not all your fault.

1125. Thanks for what you did back there.

1126. That was really cool of you.

1127. Cool.

1128. Ow.

1129. Huh, this is crazy.

1130. I don't even know what I'm thinking, man.

1131. - What? - Can't even be a good dad.

1132. What are you talking about?

1133. You're the one who saved him, Bri.

1134. You're a great dad.

1135. And you got a great kid.

1136. Kid who loves you.

1137. I don't know about that.

1138. You know... I gotta tell you being a stepdad is...

1139. I thought I'd have kids in my 20s or 30s.

1140. That didn't happen.

1141. I was okay with that.

1142. But then they put Emily in my life

1143. and I was like, wow, you know, this amazing woman

1144. who's kind of out of my league.

1145. Totally out of your league. Like way, way out.

1146. - Okay. - Like looks.

1147. - Yeah, that. - Personality.

1148. Pretty much every way possible.

1149. I got it. I got what you're saying.

1150. And she came with this kid...

1151. and he started calling me Dad and I was like, “Oh, man.”

1152. You know, I don't know how to do this stuff, you know?

1153. And I thought I didn't even deserve to be called Dad.

1154. I started feeling bad for him, you know?

1155. He got saddled with an old guy like me.

1156. What are you, a cool guy like you?

1157. Bri, you're a great guy.

1158. Like, I'd kill to have a dad like you.

1159. And the way you take care of him is so cool.

1160. We gotta get them some place safe, okay?

1161. Some place completely off the grid.

1162. I know just the place.

1163. They'll never find us.

1164. This is where we're hiding out?

1165. Sick, right?

1166. - Look at you. - Gordon, I'm naked!

1167. - Jeff? - Hey, Gordon.

1168. Hey.

1169. Brian, this is Gordon,

1170. - my estranged deadbeat dad. - Pleasure.

1171. That's Lucas, Brian's son, and this here is CJ.

1172. Ah, you never told me you had a kid.

1173. I don't have a kid.

1174. Are you blind?

1175. He's the spitting image of you when you were his age.

1176. I think.

1177. Did, uh, Jeff mention I abandoned him

1178. when he was four?

1179. Not yet, no, no.

1180. Good. Good.

1181. Well, come on in.

1182. Let's go.

1183. Hey, can you believe he's still mad at me

1184. for something that happened 30 years ago?

1185. You dropped me off in an orphanage for girls.

1186. And you're welcome.

1187. Brian, when—when his mom died,

1188. I mean, I just—I panicked.

1189. It was just me.

1190. I was young, stupid.

1191. I was afraid I was in over my head being a dad,

1192. but kept tabs on you, didn't I?

1193. Here we go. This is what I want to show you.

1194. Here we go.

1195. See, you two are dead ringers.

1196. Oh, look at my little Jeffy with all his foster families.

1197. You're a lucky bastard.

1198. Well...

1199. He's not wrong.

1200. He looks just like you.

1201. CJ's my son?

1202. What's going on here?

1203. How's that even possible?

1204. Do you even know who his mom is?

1205. Due to my deep-seated emotional issues,

1206. I've easily slept with thousands and thousands

1207. and thousands of women.

1208. You're welcome.

1209. How many women have you slept with, Dad?

1210. That's not your business. That's none of your business.

1211. So you're my son, little man.

1212. No wonder you're so handsome and awesome.

1213. Hell yeah.

1214. We're gonna make such a good team.

1215. We're gonna have so much fun together.

1216. Up high.

1217. Hey, Jeff.

1218. - Hey, Gordon. - Yeah.

1219. Can I talk to you for a second?

1220. Look, um...

1221. we need a favor.

1222. These guys keep coming after us.

1223. It's not safe for the kids.

1224. Can we leave them here for a bit?

1225. We're hoping you can look after them for a while

1226. until we figure all this out.

1227. Yeah, um...

1228. Will you help me, Dad?

1229. I can't. Sorry...

1230. I'm just not that... guy.

1231. Oh, my God.

1232. You okay?

1233. Man, we gotta find out why they did this to you.

1234. You know, why would anyone want a kid from me?

1235. Why should I be a dad?

1236. You saw mine.

1237. That's why I enlisted.

1238. You know, I had my own team.

1239. Finally had a family.

1240. And I couldn't even do that right.

1241. Sarge, what are you doing?

1242. Take him out!

1243. I couldn't do it,

1244. so they court-martialed me.

1245. You're still my perfect soldier, Jeff.

1246. I wish I had more of you.

1247. Perfect soldier, my ass.

1248. That's not a flaw, man, at all.

1249. I gotta be honest, it sounds like that colonel guy,

1250. like he really liked you.

1251. Yeah, Colonel Kurtz.

1252. He always had my back.

1253. That's what it's all about, see?

1254. Letting them know that we have their backs.

1255. Wow, yeah.

1256. He's definitely your son.

1257. What are you doing?

1258. Uh, nothing. I mean, we just...

1259. It's kind of like we eat the same thing.

1260. It's like, you know, just like when you...

1261. You were eating.

1262. We gotta figure out why they did this to you.

1263. You don't know anyone in that top secret...

1264. whatever?

1265. - Zach Galifianak-ish. - Whoa, whoa.

1266. Easy, easy, easy.

1267. I'm good.

1268. How in the world are we gonna find this guy?

1269. We're gonna pretend to bang him.

1270. What?

1271. Zach couldn't get women

1272. so he'd come to me to help him with all his dating apps.

1273. Zach had no game.

1274. - Obviously, I do. - Mm.

1275. So I'd pretend to be him and text all these girls for him

1276. and I was amazing at it.

1277. Whoo-hoo!

1278. Daddy's back in business.

1279. Oh boy.

1280. This is the one.

1281. I can get this one.

1282. Why is that?

1283. Because she's half blind!

1284. She can't even see me.

1285. That's pretty sweet.

1286. Dude, is that my body?

1287. Yeah, yeah. I should have asked.

1288. I got excited.

1289. And that's the plan.

1290. We're gonna catfish this bag of shit.

1291. We don't need to find him.

1292. We're gonna bring him to us.

1293. And our fake profile name will be... Candi.

1294. Candi?

1295. What, you want to call her Karen?

1296. - I like Candi, Dad. - Would you just—

1297. Hey, just put your headphones on and stop listening.

1298. You sit back.

1299. Let a master do the work.

1300. Okay.

1301. Well, hello, handsome sailor.

1302. Well, hello handsome sailor.

1303. Ugh, here we go again.

1304. I just got into town and you are hot.

1305. Russian bots. Nice try, Putin.

1306. Blocked.

1307. This user has blocked you.

1308. What?

1309. All right, just give me the phone.

1310. - Give it to me, all right? - Relax, Bri.

1311. Look, maybe this time you just come in a little slower.

1312. Listen, you wanna get smashed or what?

1313. Ugh.

1314. Report.

1315. This user has reported you.

1316. What is his problem?

1317. Give me this thing. You're done.

1318. What are you gonna do?

1319. I'm telling you what I'm gonna do.

1320. I'm gonna come in nice and slow, but steady.

1321. Hi, I'm Emily.

1322. Nice to meet you.

1323. Oh, I'm on fire tonight.

1324. I just read your profile.

1325. I, too, am interested in... Pterodactyls, bulimia,

1326. Love is Blind, and the Mormon culture.

1327. Oh, this is so annoying.

1328. Yes, it seems like we have much in common,

1329. but now who's your favorite Mormon?

1330. Favorite Mormon?

1331. Favorite Mormon. Uh...

1332. Top Gun Maverick.

1333. Not even a person.

1334. Jay-Z.

1335. My favorite Mormon is, of course, Jay-Z.

1336. Oh, she's the one.

1337. It is so nice to talk with someone actually normal here.

1338. I hate when people come across so disgusting and aggressive.

1339. Get your grubby thoughts off of me, you know?

1340. Totally.

1341. So do you want to get smashed or not?

1342. Yeah.

1343. You see what I'm saying, Bri?

1344. You want to know what really turns me on?

1345. - Oh, no. - Mm-hm.

1346. Oh, not again.

1347. - Sup, bitch? - Got you, fool.

1348. Mmm, not going to jail.

1349. Eat shit,

1350. Okay.

1351. You and I are gonna have a very calm conversation.

1352. What did you do to my son?

1353. Dude, just please take the hood off.

1354. I already know who you are, dumb-ass.

1355. Oh, shit. Really?

1356. Yeah, Jeff.

1357. You're a pretty specific looking guy.

1358. Damn it!

1359. I want answers.

1360. Now.

1361. Start talking, bro.

1362. Uh-uh.

1363. Oh, you want to get waterboarded?

1364. What?

1365. You asked for it.

1366. How are you gonna...?

1367. That's not how you waterboard, Jeff.

1368. That's right.

1369. What are you, making me a protein shake?

1370. Be prepared to talk, bitch.

1371. - Not—Oh, come on. - Are you thirsty?

1372. Yeah, how do you like them apples?

1373. Okay.

1374. Can I talk to you for a second?

1375. I was about to break him.

1376. Get over here.

1377. Ugh.

1378. Yes, Mom?

1379. Yeah, well, what's going on over here,

1380. it's just not working, okay?

1381. What? When I almost killed him?

1382. You moisturized him is what you did.

1383. Okay, so you're bad cop?

1384. - I can be bad cop. - Okay.

1385. - You can do it, Dad. - Yeah, I know.

1386. - Go get it out of him. - I'll do it right now.

1387. What are we gonna do?

1388. What's that for?

1389. Torture his ass.

1390. Reservoir Dogs.

1391. All right. Yeah, all right.

1392. I can't wait to see this.

1393. - Reservoir Dogs style. - Yeah.

1394. Oh, God.

1395. Who's laughing now, bitch?

1396. You look like Chris Christie is on Dancing with the Stars.

1397. He's not—he's not scared.

1398. - He's not afraid. - Don't be a quitter.

1399. Get back in there.

1400. Guess what?

1401. Playtime is over.

1402. Oh.

1403. That's like a traveling cosmetic kit.

1404. You bet it is.

1405. Pick your weapon, my friend.

1406. Uh, the toothbrush?

1407. Do you want this in you?

1408. Man, what?

1409. I'll start this way. I don't care.

1410. Oh, my God, stab him already.

1411. Look, the two boys over there

1412. would probably do a better job interrogating me.

1413. Why don't you swap places with them?

1414. Hey, look at me.

1415. You're making me look pathetic in front of my kid, okay?

1416. I'm not gonna tell you anything, okay?

1417. It doesn't matter what you offer me.

1418. It doesn't matter what you do to me.

1419. I'm not gonna tell you what happened.

1420. Here's exactly what happened.

1421. So, how do I put this?

1422. That—that kid over there, that's—that's not your son.

1423. Who somehow looks a lot like you

1424. is because he is a genetic analog of you.

1425. Genetic analog?

1426. You mean like a clone?

1427. Yeah. Smart kid.

1428. Clone.

1429. He's a genetic analog. A clone.

1430. His name's CJ.

1431. That literally means “Clone Jeff.”

1432. So he's exactly like me?

1433. Well, modified version of you.

1434. See, he's faster, stronger,

1435. and way smarter than you, okay.

1436. He's a better version of you.

1437. You are community college.

1438. He is Harvard plus.

1439. Why would you do this?

1440. No, I didn't clone anyone.

1441. I'm just like a babysitter.

1442. Then who did this?

1443. I—I—I can't tell you.

1444. All I got is a name and I'm not telling you

1445. because they—ah, okay!

1446. It's Simon Maddox.

1447. Simon Maddox.

1448. Put down the lamp. Simon Maddox.

1449. Who the hell is Simon Maddox?

1450. Oh, wow.

1451. You guys have no idea what you just stepped into.

1452. Okay. Who is Simon Maddox?

1453. And why the hell would he clone Jeff?

1454. Ergh. Aaagh!

1455. Hah.

1456. Wow, this guy's a genius.

1457. Oh man, super genius.

1458. Mm, mm, mm!

1459. Get that fight in there. Mm, mm, mm!

1460. Oof. Okay. Also super creepy.

1461. Whoa.

1462. You can read my mind?

1463. Yes. Crazy.

1464. Hah! Hah!

1465. Wait, I got an idea.

1466. Alexa, play some old-school hip-hop.

1467. Sick.

1468. Crap.

1469. Hey, Em, we're running a little bit late.

1470. That's all, hon.

1471. Em?

1472. Em?

1473. Look at your screen.

1474. Would you like us to follow Emily home?

1475. Pay her a little visit?

1476. No. Would not like that.

1477. Then you bring the boy to us.

1478. Drive to the coordinates that we send to you.

1479. Otherwise, we will visit your wife.

1480. You see, Bri-Bri?

1481. How much fun are you having right now?

1482. Whooh! God, you're good.

1483. So how'd you track down this Simon Maddox?

1484. You do your forensic accounting?

1485. Hm.

1486. Bri-Bri? You okay?

1487. Oh, yeah, yeah.

1488. Okay.

1489. Man, it's finally happening.

1490. CJ and I are finally connecting.

1491. Isn't this incredible?

1492. It is, yeah.

1493. Hey, I gotta thank you for that little talk earlier.

1494. I think you're right.

1495. I really am gonna be the best dad.

1496. He's got a gun!

1497. Oh, my God! They're gonna kill her!

1498. So how much further, Bri-Bri?

1499. No, no, not—not much.

1500. Man, I can't wait to see this ass-hat face-to-face.

1501. Right, CJ?

1502. Right.

1503. Huh, this can't be right.

1504. Pictured it more of like an Area 51 type place.

1505. Maybe you did your forensicing wrong.

1506. - Lucas, get in the van. - Why?

1507. Get in the van right now, please.

1508. Bri? What's going on?

1509. Jeff, I'm so sorry.

1510. For what?

1511. Get down!

1512. Freeze! Don't you move!

1513. Dude, they were coming after Emily, all right?

1514. They were firing guns and—and everything, man.

1515. I—I—I didn't know what to do.

1516. Who the hell are you?

1517. Oh, you already know my name.

1518. What's that? Captain Dickface?

1519. No.

1520. This is Simon Maddox.

1521. Hey, you touch him and I'll kill you!

1522. Don't touch him!

1523. Why are you doing this?

1524. Why are you doing this anyway?

1525. He's just a kid.

1526. He is not just a kid.

1527. Why me?

1528. Why'd you do this to me?

1529. I'm not the one who can answer that.

1530. Come on, CJ.

1531. Wait, hold on.

1532. Hold on.

1533. Let me at least say goodbye to him.

1534. Trust me, this is harder for you than it is for him.

1535. CJ isn't capable of making any emotional connections.

1536. It's literally not in his DNA.

1537. Well, that's bullshit.

1538. I'll prove it.

1539. Hey.

1540. I love you, little man.

1541. And I know you love me, too.

1542. I don't know what you mean.

1543. What does love mean?

1544. It's in your heart.

1545. Don't you feel anything in your heart?

1546. No?

1547. Do you feel anything at all?

1548. No.

1549. I don't believe that.

1550. So this isn't goodbye, okay?

1551. I'll see you again real soon.

1552. Up high.

1553. Ah, come on.

1554. Don't leave me hanging, dude.

1555. Not now.

1556. Please.

1557. CJ!

1558. Lu—Lucas.

1559. Lucas, let's go.

1560. Lucas, get in the van.

1561. How do you like me now?

1562. Ooh! Ooh!

1563. Oh, did I get him?

1564. Did... did I look cool?

1565. No.

1566. But you distracted him, and then Jeff took him out.

1567. Oh.

1568. Hey, Lucas, I'm sorry.

1569. Look, I'm just...

1570. I just may not be the dad you... you need or you...

1571. I mean, the one you really want.

1572. What do you mean?

1573. I'm not young.

1574. You know, I'm not badass.

1575. I'm just not a...

1576. You are my dad.

1577. I don't want you to change at all.

1578. You don't?

1579. No.

1580. I have you, right?

1581. Right.

1582. Hey, Jeff, should I tie him up and torture his ass

1583. like we did with the fat leprechaun?

1584. Would you?

1585. I need a moment to recover

1586. from your dad's gut-wrenching betrayal.

1587. I'm—I'm really sorry, all right?

1588. Doesn't matter.

1589. I failed.

1590. You—you didn't fail him.

1591. We gotta go get him.

1592. Didn't you hear what he said?

1593. He doesn't care about me.

1594. Okay, so that's it.

1595. After all we've been through?

1596. Whatever.

1597. He doesn't want me to come get him.

1598. Of course he wants you to come.

1599. Listen to me. Hey! Listen to me!

1600. You're not your dad. Okay?

1601. You know how I know this?

1602. I know you got heart.

1603. Careful, Bri.

1604. You're starting to talk like we're best friends.

1605. Nah, closer but...

1606. It's your phone.

1607. Lucas, w—where's the tracker?

1608. Well, it's in my hood—

1609. CJ has it.

1610. I thought you shut it off?

1611. I did.

1612. You know what this means?

1613. - What? - Why don't you tell him, Luke?

1614. It means he turned the tracker on

1615. because he wants you to go save him.

1616. How do we know that's what he wants?

1617. Because you're his dad.

1618. Damn right, I am.

1619. Oh, this is where you worked?

1620. - Mm-hm. - It's like a lab.

1621. Why would they bring him back here?

1622. This guy's a freaking nerd.

1623. Lucas, I need you to stay in the van

1624. and lock the door, okay?

1625. Lucas, I want to keep you safe, all right?

1626. That's the most important thing to me, okay?

1627. Okay, but you're gonna come back, though, right?

1628. Of course we're coming back.

1629. Right, Jeff?

1630. Both of us?

1631. Sure.

1632. Let's do this.

1633. Oh.

1634. Really?

1635. Quit screwing around.

1636. Hey, why—why is the door open?

1637. It's like they're expecting us.

1638. I don't know. What are you doing?

1639. Split up and cover more ground.

1640. You gotta say that to me, okay?

1641. That's what I just said. I was—

1642. You didn't. with your freaking hands.

1643. - I did not— - Stop with the hands.

1644. - Oh, my God! - Hi.

1645. CJ, you scared the crap out of me.

1646. That's a weird outfit.

1647. Well, that's easier than I thought.

1648. Let's call your dad.

1649. - Hey, what's up? - Found CJ, huh?

1650. How about that, huh?

1651. - How's that possible? - What are you talking about?

1652. What, you think you're the only one that could be the, uh...

1653. hero?

1654. Wait, there's two CJs?

1655. This is insane.

1656. Which one's ours?

1657. I don't know.

1658. Hey, little dudes.

1659. Which one of you two is my little guy?

1660. Whoa, whoa, hey! Guys! Guys!

1661. Hey, chill!

1662. Bitch!

1663. That was a little excessive, huh?

1664. It was self-defense!

1665. What are they, possessed?

1666. No, no, I'm not...

1667. I don't like where this is going.

1668. I'm out.

1669. Oh, gosh.

1670. What the hell.

1671. Oh, come on.

1672. - Okay. - Nope.

1673. No. No. No.

1674. What the hell is going on here?

1675. All right, everyone needs to just relax.

1676. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Relax! Relax.

1677. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

1678. Go, go, go, go!

1679. - No! - Sorry.

1680. Ah, you gotta help me!

1681. - Sorry. - He's biting me.

1682. Jeff, I can't see. Get him off!

1683. I'm so sorry.

1684. Why are you apologizing?

1685. For beating the shit out of little versions of me.

1686. I have no one to talk to about it.

1687. Stop it! Stop it! I don't like that.

1688. Just punch him and apologize.

1689. I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry.

1690. Oh, God.

1691. I can't believe they cloned that many.

1692. What assholes.

1693. There's a lot of them.

1694. You, uh...

1695. You hear that?

1696. Yeah.

1697. What is that?

1698. I don't know.

1699. A T-rex?

1700. Oh... Oh... Oh, my God!

1701. Get some! Get some!

1702. Oh, shit.

1703. No, no, no, no!

1704. Thelma and Louise?

1705. We have to hold hands?

1706. Yeah, we gotta hold hands.

1707. What the hell.

1708. It's like they got dog collars on, look at...

1709. Look at them.

1710. It's an electric fence. They can't get past here.

1711. It's incredible.

1712. Yes!

1713. Idiots! What's up now?

1714. - Yeah, now! - What's up now?

1715. What's up now?

1716. - Suck it! - Yeah! That's what he said!

1717. Okay, okay.

1718. Hey, Bri.

1719. Remember what Jenny said to Forrest

1720. when he was gimping around

1721. with those metal things on his legs?

1722. No.

1723. Run, Forrest! Run!

1724. God.

1725. Ugh.

1726. 'Sup dawg?

1727. Hello, Jeff.

1728. Lucas! Lucas!

1729. - We gotta go! - Dad!

1730. - We gotta go! - Wh—what's happening?

1731. Where's Jeff?

1732. Colonel?

1733. What are you doing with this freakin' nerd?

1734. Why don't you just shut your face, you loser.

1735. I own a Bugatti, okay?

1736. I get tons of hot chicks now.

1737. I see you two have become pals.

1738. What the hell's going on here?

1739. Well, after all you've done for us, Jeff,

1740. you deserve some answers now.

1741. Yeah. Why'd you do this to me?

1742. Because you were my perfect soldier.

1743. A true physical specimen.

1744. But do you know what your kryptonite is?

1745. Gefilte fish?

1746. You have too much... empathy.

1747. CJ. You okay?

1748. See, son, you weren't the only soldier

1749. to let your country down in the field.

1750. Soldiers get tired.

1751. They get afraid and start to have feelings.

1752. Well, I needed to fix that problem.

1753. So when I stumbled upon Simon's genius here...

1754. Genius, bitch.

1755. Even Simon didn't realize what his technology could create.

1756. It could create the perfect genetic soldier.

1757. All we needed was your superior DNA.

1758. Random drug tests.

1759. You were our ideal candidate, Jeff.

1760. So you're telling me all those little guys out there

1761. are going to be super soldiers?

1762. Each one designed to never get tired.

1763. And now for one final test.

1764. Go ahead, CJ.

1765. Do what you were trained to do.

1766. Sergeant Eamon, thank you for your service.

1767. CJ... listen, man.

1768. Yeah, I...

1769. you're not a machine.

1770. You know how I know that?

1771. Because if we're the same,

1772. it means we got the same heart.

1773. Fuck!

1774. You broke my heart.

1775. Ha-ha. How do you like me now?

1776. Ooh!

1777. Did I get him?

1778. Ooh.

1779. How'd I do?

1780. Did I look cool?

1781. You did, Dad.

1782. And you looked badass.

1783. Yeah, I did.

1784. We did it, little guy.

1785. Up high.

1786. Best friends, Bri?

1787. Best friends, Bri-Bri.

1788. How are we gonna get home?

1789. We don't have a car.

1790. I guess we'll just have to steal another one, huh?

1791. Attaboy, Bri.

1792. Hey, one second.

1793. What are we gonna do with all those

1794. psycho killing machines in there?

1795. Kaboom, bitch!

1796. Hey.

1797. Butthead.

1798. I've been meaning to ask you.

1799. I'm so sorry.

1800. You know what they say?

1801. Sorry.

1802. I'm not back in town, Bri!

1803. He's a very dangerous 12-year-old.

1804. - All right. - Yeah.

1805. Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.

1806. Hey, what's up?

1807. What?

1808. - I'm sorry. - Damn it!

1809. - Are you insane? - Am I insane?

1810. You're absolutely back crap—!

1811. - I'm back crap? - You're back crap.

1812. Like what?

1813. Well, first of all, how about tanning cream

1814. and bikini underwear?

1815. That's another problem.

1816. Hold up.

1817. What are you gonna do about all those psycho family?

1818. What are those names called? What are they called?

1819. - Psycho family. - What are they?

1820. Hold up.

1821. What are you gonna do ?

1822. Can you believe he's still mad at me

1823. for something that happened 30 years ago?

1824. Did you take my parking spot, Brian?

1825. Beep!

1826. Guys, I made my own beep sound.

1827. That's an all-time low, even for my acting.

1828. You cool with just one Bri?

1829. What is it? You cool if I just call you...

1830. Damn it.

1831. You co... You co... You...

1832. How about just one Bri? How about just one Bri?

1833. Cool? How about just one Bri?

1834. Cool? Yeah, okay.

1835. Ugh.

1836. Oh, hey!

1837. Look at that list of super fun stuff I made for me.

1838. It's CJ and me to do now that CJ's mom went tits-up.

1839. Damn it, man.

1840. Buckle in, boys.

1841. Hey, what are you doing?

1842. There's different kids back there.

1843. Now we're really screwed.

1844. We got different kids all this time.

1845. You keep forgetting the kids!

1846. Hold up.

1847. What are we gonna do about all those

1848. psycho killing machines in there?

1849. You have the same problem I do.

1850. Oh, I almost dropped this.

1851. Clear! Clear!

1852. Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em next time, huh, bro?

1853. Don't call me “bro,” dude.

1854. Don't call me “bro,” son.

1855. One guy died in my arms

1856. while I slowly watched him bleed out.

1857. Sick, right?

1858. I hate that.

1859. Hiya!

1860. I missed the door.

1861. Sorry.

1862. God.

1863. Emily! Hey, how you doing, sweetie?

1864. Oh, hi. Is this Jeff?

1865. In the... flesh.

1866. Hi, Em. Is that me?

1867. I'm waiting. I don't want to...

1868. - I screwed it up. - I don't want to get—all right.

1869. I was trying to come up with something else.

1870. Okay, get off. I smell your ass in a raccoon hat.

1871. I didn't know where to put my legs.

1872. That was a very weird one, man.

1873. Ow!

1874. So? Tell me about the playdate.

1875. Lucas said it was, like,

1876. literally the best day of his whole entire life.

1877. Well, it was definitely something.

1878. Bri-Bri!

1879. Jeff, what the hell are you doing?

1880. It's two o'clock in the morning.

1881. You didn't give me an address,

1882. so I had to knock on a lot of doors.

1883. You're never gonna guess what happened.

1884. I don't feel like guessing.

1885. - Oh, guess. - I don't want to guess.

1886. - Oh, just guess. - I'm not—

1887. - I'm not guessing. - Guess.

1888. You stole another minivan.

1889. What?

1890. That's a stupid guess. No.

1891. They burned our house down.

1892. Who, Maddox?

1893. No, totally different group of bad people.

1894. I'll tell you all about it.

1895. Let's go, CJ.

1896. I call top bunk.

1897. Bottom.