Pink Flamingos (1972)

1. Hello, moviegoers.

2. This is Mr. J speaking to you for Dreamland Studios.

3. This beautiful mobile home you see before you

4. is the current hideout of the notorious beauty Divine,

5. the filthiest person alive.

6. Because of this cover story in one of your sleazier national "tabuloids, "

7. she has been forced to go underground,

8. disguising her appearance and adopting the alias of Babs Johnson.

9. With her live her trusted traveling companion Cotton,

10. her delinquent son Crackers

11. and her mentally ill mother Miss Edie.

12. Let's take a peek inside!

13. It's 10:30. Babs! Babs!

14. Why isn't the egg man here? I'm starving to death for some eggs.

15. Please, Babs, come in and give me some eggs.

16. I'm coming, Mama. I'm coming.

17. You can hold on.

18. Cotton! Cotton!

19. Babs won't give me my eggs.

20. Cotton, please come in here and give me my eggs.

21. Be in in a minute, Edie. Don't you worry. I'll fry you up some, honey.

22. Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

23. Good morning, Mama. I bet you're hungry.

24. Oh, Babs, I'm starving to death.

25. Hasn't that egg man come yet?

26. I love that egg man so much.

27. No, he hasn't come yet, Mama, but we still have some eggs.

28. I'll put some on for you.

29. Did you sleep well?

30. Oh, Babs, I slept so well.

31. Where did you get this train?

32. Did you sleep in the caboose last night?

33. How did you know I love trains?

34. Oh, it's not a train, Mama.

35. It's our new mobile home, and I sleep in the other room.

36. We all have our own rooms this time —

37. me, you and Cotton.

38. And Crackers has that nice little shed right out back

39. so he can have his friends in whenever he likes without waking us up.

40. Isn't it wonderful?

41. Now, you just sit tight

42. and I'll fry you up some big, Grade A treats.

43. Over light today, Mama?

44. Oh, no, Babs, no.

45. It's sunny out today.

46. I want them sunny-side up.

47. You know how I like them, Babs. You know how I like them.

48. I know how you like 'em, Mama. I'll be right back.

49. Across town, located in the teeming metropolis

50. known as downtown Baltimore,

51. live Connie and Raymond Marble,

52. two jealous perverts that hate Divine's fame and notoriety

53. more than anything in the whole world.

54. For Connie and Raymond Marble, it was the beginning of the end.

55. Well, Miss Sandstone,

56. after looking over your qualifications,

57. my husband and I have decided

58. that you're not exactly what we had in mind for the job.

59. Not only have you never heard of Divine,

60. which is one of the key elements for this particular job,

61. but you also seem to show a lack of general experience.

62. And to be honest, we feel you are sort of a dullard.

63. Well, why do you say that? I did everything you asked.

64. I even found out who this Divine was.

65. Too late, too late.

66. And, naturally, you did everything I asked, my dear.

67. You would never have gotten to this plateau of the job placement test.

68. I mean, surely, you can see our point.

69. We're not in a position to just take anyone.

70. This is a high-security job, as you can well imagine,

71. and we personally just don't feel that you meet our —

72. Oh, how should I say?

73. Our admittedly sometimes stringent screening process.

74. Well, why did you hold me up for so long? Why did you keep asking me to come back?

75. I had another job I could've taken.

76. How could I have gotten information about this Divine you talk of?

77. I don't know her. You could've given me some lead

78. as to how I could've gathered this data you wanted about her.

79. You led me to believe I had this job.

80. Well, Miss Sandstone —

81. Miss, uh, Sandy Sandstone —

82. you just must've been wrong in your assumptions, weren't you?

83. I mean, surely you've heard the expression "Don't count your chickens."

84. Well, apply it!

85. I never gave you a final answer on this whole thing,

86. and as far as you believing that you had the job,

87. well, I've never even considered

88. that you would be the applicant that we would choose.

89. You don't know enough.

90. I mean, I wish everyone was like you and had never heard of Divine,

91. but, unfortunately, it just isn't like that.

92. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I do have a busy day ahead of me.

93. - There's really nothing left to discuss. - Well, what am I supposed to do now?

94. That's what I'd like to know.

95. You can eat shit for all I care, Miss Sandstone,

96. or eat anything that you like or do anything that you like.

97. Just don't assume that I want to know your troubles.

98. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I'm a busy woman

99. with a full day's work ahead of me.

100. Please remove yourself from my office.

101. You're a real cunt! Do you know that? A real fucking cunt!

102. How can you be so shitty to people?

103. How can you stand yourself?

104. I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone —

105. my kind of people and assholes.

106. It's rather obvious which category you fit into.

107. Have a nice day.

108. Eat the bird, bitch!

109. You ready, Ma? You ready yet?

110. I'm ready, darling. Just let me say goodbye to Mama and Cotton.

111. I'll be out in a minute, honey.

112. Okay, Ma, but get the lead out of your ass or I'll be late for my date.

113. - All right. - Yes, won't I be late for my date?

114. You are gonna love my date. You'll like her as much as I do.

115. I'm going to bring her back real soon for you all to enjoy.

116. What do you mean, Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

117. How could a person be an egg, Cotton?

118. How could a person be an egg?

119. Well, he had little legs and little arms

120. and he could walk and talk and all just like a person.

121. Only he was an egg — a little egg, all dressed up.

122. Tell it to me again, Cotton.

123. You should be learning it by now, Edie. Now, listen carefully.

124. "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

125. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

126. All the king's horses and all the king's men

127. couldn't put Humpty together again."

128. Do you get it, Edie? Do you understand?

129. Tell me some more egg stories, Cotton.

130. Please tell me some more stories.

131. I'm on my way.

132. You sure are dressed up, Babs. You look real pretty.

133. Oh, thank you, Cotton.

134. Why, a girl can never tell who she might run into when she's downtown.

135. Why, I'm all dressed up and ready to fall in love.

136. I kind of wish I was going out too,

137. but I think Crackers is bringing his lady friend out here

138. and I don't want to miss that.

139. It's usually a pretty good show.

140. Oh, I know. You can go into town the next time I go.

141. It's just those errands I have to run.

142. Besides, you and Crackers will have a pretty good time right here.

143. - That little shed's just perfect. - I know it, Babs.

144. It'll be the first time we've had anyone out here

145. and I can't wait to see how it works.

146. I hope she doesn't give us any trouble.

147. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

148. Crackers has a pretty good eye for what he likes.

149. Just say a little prayer that I find a little something.

150. Why, I haven't fallen in love for three whole days.

151. I'm just itching to find somebody with a little imagination.

152. Bye-bye, Babs. Bye-bye, Babs.

153. Bye-bye, Babs. Bye-bye!

154. Mother, you do not have to raise your voice and you don't have to yell.

155. We're all right here. We can all hear you.

156. Oh…

157. I do have to yell.

158. I'm starving to death and that egg man ain't going to come

159. and I know it.

160. You know he never comes until later, Mother.

161. She'll be all right.

162. - Go on, Babs. - All right.

163. She'll be all right. Won't you, Mama?

164. You want some hard-boiled eggs to nibble on while you're waiting?

165. - Yes. - Yes, I bet you do.

166. Bye, Babs. And don't forget the party food.

167. Okay!

168. Crackers, I'm ready!

169. Let's go, Mama. I'm late for my date.

170. But, honey, how will you ever get back out here from downtown?

171. We'll hitch probably then, Ma. It ain't hard.

172. Just let me off at the Etta Gown Shop.

173. That's where I'm supposed to meet the little lady. We'll get back somehow.

174. I just hope she's ready for a little action.

175. Oh, honey, I know what you mean.

176. Why, I wouldn't mind finding a little action myself.

177. But then, you shouldn't have too much trouble with your date —

178. - that is, if she has anything on the ball. - Mm-hmm.

179. Just hope she likes to experiment. You know what I mean?

180. A little sweet-talking goes a long, long way.

181. Give me your hand, honey.

182. Channing!

183. Jesus Christ.

184. - Are they here yet? - Yes. They've been waiting.

185. Well, show them in.

186. Mrs. Marble will see you now.

187. - Come on, Merle. She's ready to see us. - I'm coming. I'm coming.

188. - Hello. - Hi, Miss Marble.

189. We've been so excited about this all week, me and Merle.

190. We can hardly sleep at night, just waiting to see little Noodles' face.

191. And, shit, we usually sleep pretty good.

192. Me and Etta's really gonna have to settle down once we get Noodles home.

193. It's going to be a lot different with a baby around.

194. Yes, well, as I said,

195. Mr. Marble and I are about 90% certain that you will get Noodles.

196. But, first, have a seat so I can just briefly recheck your application.

197. Don't say anything, all right? Just don't say a word.

198. When are you going to get her out of here?

199. Come on, little Noodles. You just found a new home.

200. Oh, that's real nice!

201. Poor fucking Alice dies giving birth.

202. You can't even bother to move the body.

203. And now the bitch has sold the kid!

204. Poor baby.

205. And you, you little suckling, can't even get me my tranquilizers!

206. You shithead. Where are my pills?

207. That bitch can afford it.

208. She's got another couple grand coming for this one.

209. Can't she at least give me my fucking pills?

210. I said don't talk to me when I come down here.

211. I don't give a fuck what you said, you fucking pig!

212. Get this body out of here! It's making me sick!

213. When are they gonna get another one? What poor girl will they get next?

214. I know they're gonna get another one.

215. Just like when I came here, I replaced somebody, didn't I?

216. You fucking little dingleberry!

217. That's what you're like, you fucking ball of shit!

218. I said shut up! Just shut up and don't talk to me when I come down here!

219. Oh, look how pretty she is.

220. Aw!

221. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Connie, do they get this?

222. Yes, they do, Chan.

223. - Aw. - Aw, look how pretty she is.

224. Oh, Merle, I'm so happy.

225. And, baby, if you're happy, I'm happy 'cause that's what I'm living for —

226. you, me, and now little Noodles.

227. Thank you, Miss Marble. Without you, we never would've been this happy.

228. You are a wonderful, wonderful person.

229. - Thank you. - Thank you.

230. Well, thank you, ladies.

231. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this business.

232. And that's all I care about, is satisfying my customers

233. and making sure that the babies are placed in good homes.

234. - Thank you. - Thank you.

235. - Bye-bye, now. - Bye.

236. We'll see who's the filthiest person alive.

237. We'll just see!

238. And where is that Raymond?

239. Where is he?

240. How could he leave me alone when there's so much to be taken care of?

241. Oh, please come home, Raymond.

242. I need you so badly.

243. Can you hurry, driver? I'll be late for my appointment.

244. I'm going as fast as I can, lady, without breaking the law.

245. 3800 Greymeadow, right?

246. That's what I said, wasn't it?

247. 2.30.

248. You can shove 2.30, hack!

249. Hey!

250. Why, hello, Cookie. I do hope you're hungry.

251. Oh, I could go for a sandwich.

252. Mmm! Baloney!

253. Well, I'll get right to the point.

254. I can get you information about Divine.

255. Lots of information, I think, if things go well today.

256. I have a date with her son Crackers.

257. Well, this is, of course, an encouraging development.

258. This is an important assignment, Cookie.

259. We could all benefit —

260. you financially,

261. and Raymond and I,

262. well, our social standing is involved to a great degree.

263. I may have to degrade myself in front of Divine's son.

264. He's into a very strange sex scene.

265. I'm going to have to put up with unheard-of atrocities

266. in order to pump the information you need out of him.

267. But, first, I have to know exactly what you want to know

268. because my so-called date is this afternoon.

269. Well, Cookie, as you know,

270. Divine has achieved a sort of fame lately, both locally and on the national level.

271. You may have heard the term "the filthiest person alive"?

272. I have heard the term, yes.

273. The papers call her that, and she is known as that to a limited extent

274. in your more crime-conscious sections of the city.

275. Well, we feel this to be an untrue statement.

276. We feel that Raymond and I far surpass her in every aspect of the term "filth."

277. As you know, we run a baby ring.

278. Oh, it's really a very simple process.

279. We keep two girls at all times

280. who are impregnated by Channing, our rather fertile servant.

281. We sell the babies to lesbian couples,

282. and then we invest the money in various businesses around town.

283. We own a few pornography shops,

284. plus, we front money to a chain of heroin pushers

285. in the inner city elementary schools.

286. We feel that the attention that's been focused on Divine lately is most unfair.

287. She is merely a common thief and murderer.

288. Unfortunately, for us, our line of work

289. limits our chances for publicity and travel.

290. But this does not mean that we wish to go unnoticed.

291. After all, we've not worked all these years

292. in order to be upstaged by this fat hog that calls herself Divine.

293. So we must catch her off guard, you see, before she realizes she is being attacked.

294. We need information as to how they live,

295. where they live, how many people, their names,

296. their daily schedules for the week.

297. In other words, we want to know how we can plague her the most,

298. how we can make her life as miserable as possible,

299. how we can prove to her that she is shit compared to us —

300. shit compared to the filth that we have in our minds,

301. shit compared to what we know to be the filthiest life.

302. Little does Crackers know that his so-called date

303. is actually a spy sent by the Marbles.

304. This is my grandma Edie.

305. What's — What's the matter with her?

306. What's the matter with her? There ain't nothing the matter with her.

307. She's just my grandma, that's all.

308. - Why are those eggs all over her face? - I guess she was just hungry, that's all.

309. You see, she sort of has some problems. Nothing serious, but, you know —

310. I mean, she just loves eggs, always has.

311. Sit tight. I'll go see if Miss Cotton's up yet.

312. She's here, Miss Cotton, she's here.

313. It shouldn't be long now before I get it going.

314. That is, if she cooperates, and she will.

315. Oh, Crackers, I'm so excited.

316. I've just been sitting right here ever since you left.

317. What's she like? Does she have a nice body?

318. What are you going to do for me today, honey?

319. Something I haven't seen, I hope.

320. Miss Cotton, I got something in mind today I never, ever tried before,

321. something very exciting for me.

322. My little chicken's gonna be in the show today, Cotton —

323. me and some nice, juicy, plump chickens.

324. I need this so bad, Crackers. Make it better than you did last time.

325. What was the matter with that one? You said you liked that show.

326. Oh, I did. I did.

327. It's just that you were so fucking beautiful in that one

328. that now I want more.

329. I gotta see more, Crackers — more than what I've already seen.

330. Can we have some blood in this one? Just a little bit?

331. And take your clothes off slower, slower. And don't let her ruin it!

332. Miss Cotton, you're gonna dig this one.

333. It's gonna be better than anything I ever did before.

334. I can feel my blood all through my body.

335. You know I only do it for you.

336. It's only you watching that gets me off. You know that.

337. I'll make it special today, I promise.

338. Please be careful not to touch me. Please be careful.

339. I ain't touching you! I ain't touching you!

340. Oh, hi, pretty little face.

341. Pretty little face you got there.

342. Oh. Hello, I'm Cookie.

343. I understand you're Edie, Crackers's grandmother.

344. Edie, Smeedie, Heedie.

345. Is Babs back from shopping for the birthday party?

346. I'm gonna go. I got a party dress, you know.

347. When is the party?

348. Oh, Babs's birthday.

349. Are you the egg man?

350. Well, no. No, I'm not.

351. Where's Crackers's mother?

352. Oh, she's calling all the people to invite them to the party,

353. and I'm gonna go.

354. Well, I see you're up, Granny.

355. Miss Cookie, this is Miss Cotton. She's one of my roommates here.

356. Charmed, I'm sure.

357. Hello, Cookie. You sure are a fine-looking young woman.

358. Crackers has told me about you.

359. Why don't you show her the shed? You'll like it out there. It's so private.

360. Oh, I'd love to see it. Do you sleep in here, Cotton?

361. Of course I do, next to Babs. I couldn't sleep anywhere else.

362. Come on, Cookie. I'll go show you my chickens.

363. Oh, you have chickens?

364. I love little chickies.

365. Hold it!

366. No!

367. Chicken —

368. No!

369. Hold it! Right there!

370. - No! - Hold it!

371. Hold these goddamned chickens!

372. Chickens! God!

373. Don't!

374. Chickens! All these chickens!

375. Fucking chickens hurt!

376. These fucking things hurt!

377. These —

378. Oh, God! You're crazy.

379. Egg man! Egg man! Anybody home?

380. Cotton! Cotton! I'm in here! I hear the egg man!

381. In here! In here, Mr. Egg Man!

382. Eggs! Eggs!

383. Oh, help! God! God!

384. In here! In here! In here, Mr. Egg Man!

385. - We're coming, we're coming. - Here I am! Oh, come on!

386. Oh, oh, the egg man! The egg man! Oh!

387. Hello, Edie. How's my little princess today?

388. Oh, Mr. Egg Man! Oh!

389. Mr. Egg Man, we're having a party for Babs on Thursday,

390. and we'd like you to come as Edie's date.

391. Well, I would be honored to attend, especially with such a beautiful date.

392. And now, Edie, what will it be today?

393. I have Grade A extra large.

394. I have Grade A large. I have medium. I have small.

395. I have brown, and I have white.

396. Why, look. Just look at these.

397. So fresh, you could hardly believe it.

398. Why, they're just begging to be scrambled or fried

399. or poached or hard-boiled

400. or all-around ready to be thrown into a big, fat, juicy omelet.

401. How about it, Edie?

402. What'll it be for the lady that the eggs like the most?

403. I want them all!

404. I'll have the brown ones and those great big white ones

405. and I'll have those over there.

406. And I want some for frying and for scrambling

407. and, oh, for hard-boiled for snacks.

408. Oh, God, and I'll have those over there.

409. All right, Edie, we'll buy 'em all for you.

410. How's that? We'll buy 'em all.

411. Oh, Cotton, you make me so happy, you and the egg man.

412. Please, Mr. Egg Man, please don't ever quit your job.

413. I'll always need — want eggs, always and always and always.

414. Miss Edie, as long as there are chickens laying

415. and trucks driving and my feet walking,

416. you can be sure that I will bring you the finest of the fine,

417. the largest of the large and the whitest of the white.

418. In other words, that thin-shelled ovum of the domestic fowl will never be safe

419. as long as there are chickens laying and I'm alive,

420. because I am your egg man, and there ain't a better one in town.

421. Oh, Mr. Egg Man.

422. Nothing but these fucking jerk-off hippies on the road today.

423. Oh, where are their little pig girlfriends?

424. God, I get so tired of just driving around, driving around.

425. - Here's one up ahead. - Well, pull over!

426. - Yeah. She looks real good. - She'll do just fine.

427. Thanks.

428. - Have a seat. - Oh, thank you.

429. Hi. Wow, where'd you get this beautiful car?

430. - At a car dealer. Where did you think? - Where you going?

431. Just downtown. Anywhere near Howard Street.

432. Oh? Meeting someone?

433. - Yeah. - Who?

434. My boyfriend and a couple other guys. Why?

435. - Going to a gang bang or something? - What? Hey, what's with you two?

436. We just wondered where you were planning to spread your VD today,

437. that's all, hussy.

438. - Hey, I don't think that's necessary. - Oh, you don't, huh?

439. Well, how would you like to fuck my chauffeur?

440. He's got a real horse dick on him.

441. - Hey, Connie. - Hey, come on. Just let me out here.

442. This is fine right up here.

443. Why do you want to get out here? This isn't downtown.

444. - Just let me out. - We're nowhere near downtown.

445. What's the matter? You afraid it ain't big enough for you?

446. Cut it out! Just let me out here, please!

447. - You'd better sit back. Give me the rag. - Get the fuck off of me! Please!

448. There. She's out now.

449. I have a new friend for you.

450. Already? You got one already?

451. Why is she asleep? Or is she dead?

452. Did you just kill her? Where did they get her?

453. Where'd they get this one?

454. Hitchhiking, just like you were.

455. Doesn't pay to hitchhike these days, does it?

456. And I guess you're gonna fuck her now, is that it? Right in front of me.

457. The poor girl. The poor girl that has to fuck you.

458. Thank God I don't remember it. Thank God you spared me at least that.

459. I have a surprise for you this time. I don't even have to touch her.

460. How'd you get out of that part of the job?

461. Did your boss finally decide someone else would do it?

462. Who? Her slimy boyfriend?

463. Is she going to let that fag do it in front of me? That whore!

464. Oh, no. This is a surprise for Connie and Raymond too.

465. I have it all figured out this time. I don't even have to touch her.

466. Why did you have to touch me? How could I have a child by you?

467. What a repulsive thought!

468. Oh, you pig, you animal!

469. How could you keep doing this?

470. Oh, my God! What are you doing?

471. Why are you doing that in front of me? Stop it, you asshole!

472. Oh, how vile can you be?

473. Shut up! Shut up!

474. You'll see. Just shut up.

475. I swear I'm gonna throw up on you, Chan.

476. I swear I'm gonna puke if you don't stop doing that!

477. Turn your head if it makes you sick. Don't watch.

478. Look at how sick it made me to touch you.

479. And now this one…

480. - Ugh. - You repulsive pig!

481. You hate her so much, you get her pregnant this way?

482. Oh, my God! Stop it!

483. Stop it, you filthy animal!

484. Stop it!

485. Shit. I'll get it.

486. Just let me finish you off.

487. It may be Cookie.

488. Come on, you're almost there!

489. But it's probably Cookie with the information.

490. Answer it, then. Answer it!

491. - Marbles ' residence. - Mr. Marble? This is Cookie.

492. No, no. I'm all right.

493. I'm back at my mother's.

494. I was afraid to come directly there. I thought maybe they'd be following me.

495. Look, I have to have my money immediately.

496. Of course you'll get your stool pigeon money.

497. Why on earth are you so suspicious?

498. Well, naturally I'm going to question you about the money.

499. You've no idea of what I went through today

500. to get you that information.

501. And you did call yourselves "the filthiest people alive."

502. Well, what kind of credit rating do you think that is?

503. We need that information immediately

504. so that we can prepare our little surprise for that slut.

505. Hold on a minute, Cookie.

506. She's afraid we won't pay her if she tells us now.

507. Why? Isn't she coming here like she said she would?

508. Let me talk to her.

509. Cookie, this is Mrs. Marble.

510. What is this nonsense about the money? Of course we will pay you.

511. Look, I'll tell you everything,

512. but you have to meet me right away with the money,

513. all 2,000 of it in $20 bills.

514. We'll meet you at Harry Little sub shop on 25th Street.

515. You name the time.

516. All right, Cookie, now give us the information immediately.

517. - How do we even know you were there? - Oh, I was there all right, Mr. Marble.

518. Divine is living under the name of Babs Johnson.

519. Babs Johnson.

520. Babs Johnson. Oh, what a stupid fucking name.

521. She sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing.

522. She's living in a trailer in Phoenix, Maryland.

523. Who does she live with? Her mother.

524. She lives with her mother and her mother sleeps in a playpen.

525. Like a baby? Oh, God, how heartwarming.

526. And her son and her traveling companion.

527. Birthday? A party? When?

528. Oh, how perfect.

529. Oh, that pig will never get away with it. Never, never, never.

530. It'll be her most embarrassing birthday yet.

531. Mr. Marble, I should be there in about 20 minutes.

532. You'd better be there or I'm gonna tell Crackers everything about you two.

533. Thank you, Cookie.

534. At last, our plan can begin.

535. Are you ready for phase one, Raymond?

536. Oh, God. At last, we can show her.

537. At last, we can put our plan into effect.

538. I only wish I could see her face, her fat little face,

539. when she realizes that there is indeed someone filthier than her.

540. Oh, she can eat the cover of Midnight.

541. She can eat all her publicity in front of her rotten little party guests.

542. - Is her present ready? - Oh!

543. Yes. I've had it for several months now, Connie.

544. Oh, look. Here it is.

545. Oh, I've had it for almost a year now, all ready.

546. Special delivery.

547. Phase one: the filthiest gesture in the world.

548. Oh, her little surprise package.

549. Do you think she'll like our little gesture, Connie?

550. Do you think she'll appreciate our little gift?

551. Oh, for over a year now this has been only a dream, only a prayer.

552. But we have her address now. It is a reality.

553. She will realize soon. She will know soon.

554. Oh, Connie, at last the battle of filth shall begin!

555. Oh!

556. Oh, I love you, Raymond.

557. I love you more than anything in this whole world.

558. I love you even more than my own filthiness.

559. More than my hair color.

560. Oh, God.

561. I love you more than the sound of bones breaking,

562. the sound of the death rattle.

563. Even — Even more than my own shit do I love you, Raymond!

564. And — And I, Connie, also love you

565. more than anything that I could ever imagine.

566. More than my hair color.

567. More than the sound of babies crying,

568. of dogs dying.

569. Even more than the thought of original sin itself.

570. I am yours, Connie, eternally united to you

571. through an invisible cord of finely woven filth

572. that even God himself could never, ever break.

573. Cotton, dinner's on!

574. Crackers! Dinner's ready!

575. Well! You're looking pretty chipper, Mama.

576. How was that egg man today?

577. Oh, Babs, he's gonna come to the party as my date.

578. And Cotton bought me so many eggs today.

579. - Oh! - Look at these.

580. So many little eggies. And I'm still starving.

581. And I'm going to eat them all before I go to sleepy.

582. Oh, good.

583. Mmm! Smells delicious, Babs!

584. Oh, thank you, Cotton. It should.

585. I warmed it up when I was downtown today in my own little oven.

586. Babs, where do eggs come from?

587. From little chickens, Mama. They lay them, and we eat them.

588. But suppose someday there weren't any chickens.

589. Would that mean there wouldn't be any eggs?

590. Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that, Mama.

591. But — But is it true, Babs?

592. If there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs?

593. Is that true?

594. I suppose so, Mama, but there will always be chickens.

595. You can be sure of that.

596. But suppose someday it happens.

597. Suppose someday there weren't any chickens.

598. Oh, Babs, what could I possibly do?

599. And then the egg man wouldn't have —

600. he wouldn't have a job.

601. It might happen, Babs.

602. What could I do?

603. Now, Mama, that's just egg paranoia.

604. I think you're being very silly.

605. There will always be chickens.

606. Why, there are so many chickens now

607. that we can eat some and let some of them live

608. in order to supply us with eggs.

609. Chickens are plentiful, Mama.

610. The world will never be without chickens.

611. You can be sure of that.

612. - Afternoon, Ma. - Hi, honey.

613. - Mmm. - Aren't they good?

614. Who could that be?

615. I'll be right behind you, Ma. Answer it. It might not be nothing.

616. It's a fucking mailman.

617. A mailman? What kind of shit is that? There ain't no address here.

618. I'll take care of him. Mother, shut up.

619. - Crackers, cover me. - Okay, Mama.

620. Cotton, take that gun. You know how to use it if you have to. Right between the eyes.

621. - Yes? - Miss Babs Johnson?

622. - Yes, I'm Babs Johnson. - Special delivery package, ma'am.

623. Sign here, please.

624. What do you mean, special delivery package?

625. There's no address here.

626. Says right here: "Babs Johnson, a trailer, Phoenix, Maryland."

627. And you are Babs Johnson, aren't you?

628. Of course, I'm Babs Johnson. I just told you that.

629. But there is no address here.

630. This is not on any road, route or street,

631. and I don't want people on my property, so don't ever bring mail here again.

632. Do you understand?

633. And the next package you bring me

634. is getting shoved right up your little ass.

635. Can you comprehend that?

636. I understand. I comprehend. I understand.

637. Now you've received some new training, as you call it,

638. and you'd better remember it.

639. You have exactly 15 seconds to get off of my property, motherfucker,

640. before I break your goddamn neck.

641. One, 1,000.

642. Two, 1,000.

643. Three, 1,000.

644. Four, 1,000.

645. Run, you bastard! Run!

646. Good work, Babs. He ran just like a jackrabbit.

647. That was a person, Ma. I'm sure of that.

648. At least it wasn't no porker. I thought for sure it was the cops.

649. Who could've sent me this package?

650. Who would dare send me a package like this?

651. The return address is "The Filthiest People Alive."

652. Who would dare use that title? Who would dare?

653. It's wrapped all fancy. It's just a birthday present, Babs.

654. No, it's no birthday present, Cotton.

655. I smell deep, dark trouble.

656. Oh, my God almighty!

657. Someone has sent me a bowel movement!

658. - Oh, Babs! - A turd, Mama, a turd!

659. - Who could've sent this? - Aah! A turd?

660. Oh, a turd! Oh, Babs!

661. This is a direct attack on my divinity,

662. a direct attack on the peace and harmony of our last few weeks here,

663. an outrageous attempt to humiliate and disgrace my private life.

664. Someone will pay for this!

665. Someone will pay with their life for this grossly offensive act!

666. Mama, nobody sends you a turd and expects to live. Nobody!

667. Why would anybody do this to us? Why?

668. Look. Look, here's a card.

669. Read it, Cotton.

670. It's a birthday card. A fucking birthday card!

671. Well, what does it say? What does it say?

672. Oh, God, Babs.

673. "Happy birthday, fatso."

674. Oh!

675. "You are no longer the filthiest person alive. We are."

676. - Oh! - Signed, "The Filthiest People Alive."

677. Oh, just as I thought.

678. And a deliberate attempt to seize my title!

679. Egg man didn't do it, Babs.

680. I know the egg man didn't do it.

681. Oh, I don't think he did either, Mother. Now, shut up and let me think, will you?

682. That Cookie was asking questions, Crackers.

683. - I heard her. - She's right, Ma. She's right.

684. But why would she send us a turd?

685. Who knows? Who knows?

686. These are obviously jealous people —

687. jealous of our careers, of all of our press.

688. Why else would they sign that "The Filthiest People Alive"?

689. Everyone knows that that title has become my trademark.

690. Why, to use it in this way is only to insinuate that they are filthier than I.

691. How could anyone seriously believe that?

692. How could anyone be filthier than Divine?

693. I'm afraid our little vacation must come to an end.

694. This must be nipped in the bud. It's already out of hand.

695. Now we must out-filth the asshole or assholes that sent this.

696. And then they must die!

697. Connie and Raymond Marble,

698. while you are away, the servants will play.

699. Well, Miss Sandstone, after going over your qualifications,

700. Mr. Marble and I feel that you are not exactly

701. what we had in mind for the job.

702. Not only have you never heard of Divine,

703. which is one of the key elements for this particular job,

704. but you also seem to show a lack of general experience.

705. And to be perfectly honest, we feel that you are sort of a dullard.

706. Why isn't Channing here to take off my coat?

707. He's getting lazier and lazier as each day ends, Raymond.

708. I'll speak to him.

709. We must remember that Channing isn't as intelligent as you or I.

710. This is a high-security job, as you can well imagine,

711. and we personally just don't feel that you meet our —

712. Oh, how should I say?

713. Our admittedly sometimes stringent screening process.

714. - Who on earth is that? - It sounds like Channing.

715. Well, doing what, I'd like to know.

716. Shh!

717. I love you, Raymond.

718. I love you more than anything in this world.

719. I love you more than my own filthiness, even more than my own hair color.

720. More than the sound of bones breaking,

721. the sound of the death rattle.

722. Oh! Oh, my.

723. And I, Connie,

724. I, Connie, also love you

725. more than anything I could ever imagine,

726. more than my own hair color,

727. more than the sound of babies screaming,

728. the sound of dogs dying.

729. What do you think you're doing?

730. What is the meaning of this outrage?

731. Let me at him! I've been waiting to do this for a lifetime!

732. No, Connie, no!

733. How do you dare to be dressed as you are?

734. How do you dare to be saying the things we heard you say?

735. No! Please, listen!

736. I didn't mean any harm. Oh, let me go, Connie!

737. You little asshole, you'd better start explaining.

738. How dare you go into my personal clothes closet and get my suit!

739. And that's my makeup you have on, isn't it?

740. You sneaky little drag queen!

741. You've been spying on us, haven't you?

742. Huh? Haven't you, aerial ears?

743. Mimicking my wife's hard work and her beautiful appearance.

744. And having the gall to repeat words that Connie and I spoke confidentially,

745. words that are guarded by the holy seal of matrimony.

746. Oh, I can't help it!

747. I didn't mean any harm! It was just playing!

748. "Playing"? Is that what you call it, Channing?

749. Or should I start calling you "Connie" now?

750. Is that what you'd like?

751. No, Connie! Stop hitting me!

752. I didn't do anything to you!

753. I was just here by myself and I get feeling funny when I'm alone.

754. Those girls are down there, don't forget.

755. And I can't stand being in the same house with them.

756. If I sit downstairs, I can hear them screaming,

757. screaming and crying, and then I get all nervous.

758. Then I get these spells. I don't plan it.

759. It just happens.

760. Then, well, I think about my position, my social standing,

761. just like you two do, and I just play.

762. I just make believe that I am you.

763. I know it isn't reality. I know that I'm really me.

764. Haven't I been a faithful servant for two years now?

765. Haven't I given you my all in this job?

766. Oh, you've been faithful, all right.

767. Faithful in your stupidity, faithful in your laziness,

768. faithful in your incompetent lame-brained attitude.

769. And now this shockingly flagrant breach of contract.

770. We can no longer employ you here at 3900, Channing.

771. That is obvious.

772. There will be a complete inspection of all your bags, Channing,

773. so do not attempt to take any of my clothing with you.

774. I will also take a complete inventory of all my belongings,

775. from makeup —

776. Oh, God! Right on down to panties!

777. And, of course, have everything sent to the cleaners immediately.

778. God knows what you could've gotten on my clothes.

779. Now, go to your room, Channing, and stay there until we summon you!

780. Oh, please change your minds!

781. It was only playing! I won't ever —

782. Stop that yammering and move.

783. And don't try anything funny

784. or you'll be right down there with Suzie and Linda.

785. How would you like that?

786. Had we known,

787. we would've given you a maid's uniform to wear instead of a butler's!

788. Just playing. Just playing.

789. Oh, I know I'm not you, Connie.

790. It was just playing.

791. I didn't mean any harm. Oh, Raymond, I wasn't really spying.

792. It was just playing. Oh, what will they do with me?

793. Oh, God, please make them let me stay.

794. I'm afraid. Oh, God, have mercy on me.

795. Now what are you saying?

796. Nothing, Raymond! Oh, God, nothing! I wasn't saying anything.

797. Connie and I have to go out for a while.

798. We want to be sure you stay in your room, so we're going to lock you in.

799. Lock me in? I won't go anywhere, Raymond. Please.

800. You shouldn't mind staying in here, Channing.

801. It's rather obvious that you are, to use vulgar slang,

802. a closet queen, as they call it.

803. Oh, no, Raymond, please!

804. Don't lock me in. Please, I won't go anywhere.

805. I'll just stay here and be me when you're gone.

806. I won't even think about being you! Oh, please!

807. With the shock of the obscene parcel still fresh in their minds,

808. the trailer residents bravely go ahead with their birthday celebration

809. and the egg man lets his true feelings be known to Edie.

810. Oh, happy day!

811. Edie has accepted the egg man's offer of marriage.

812. And you mean you'll bring me 50 eggs a day?

813. Mm-hmm.

814. And I can come and visit Babs and Cotton and Crackers?

815. And you'll buy me a new girdle and bra and pretty underthings?

816. Yes, Edie. Yes, yes, yes.

817. I'll make you the happiest egg lady ever. Don't you worry about that.

818. I love you. I love you more than anything in this whole world.

819. And right after the party's over,

820. you and I are gonna take our first little trip together.

821. I'm gonna take you to the largest poultry factory on the East Coast.

822. And then you can eat and eat and eat all the eggs you ever want.

823. A hundred eggs a day?

824. You mean I can eat a hundred eggs?

825. A thousand if you want 'em.

826. Oh, I do love you, Mr. Egg Man,

827. even though I do love my little eggies just a little bit better.

828. But I do love you, Mr. Egg Man, more than any man I have ever known.

829. And I, Edie, love you more than any woman I have ever laid eyes on.

830. And if you love me just half as much as you love them eggs,

831. then our marriage will be just as good as sealed in heaven.

832. Yeah!

833. Yeah!

834. Yeah!

835. Yeah!

836. Operator, give me the police office, please.

837. - County headquarters. - Phase three, Raymond. Phase three.

838. Hello. I'd like to report a lewd and disorderly party.

839. No. I'm a neighbor, and it's making me sick.

840. The sight of such perverts

841. guzzling wine and taking dope right out in the open.

842. Tell them where it is.

843. It's on Philpot Road, first driveway on the left.

844. Walk up into the woods and it's taking place in a trailer.

845. Yes, I believe a woman does live there, if you can call her a woman.

846. She is a whore, Officer.

847. Yes, well, I feel when I see these things going on that it's my duty to report them.

848. Even with the hectic events of the day,

849. Raymond Marble still finds time to satisfy his perverted urges.

850. Watch as he not only commits another act of indecent exposure

851. but adds to this social horror by making his wife wait in the car.

852. Is there no shame?

853. That is not the only shock you have before you, Raymond Marble,

854. because at this exact moment

855. Divine has learned of your jealous scheme from the local town gossip.

856. She also has your address, asshole!

857. Connie! Raymond!

858. They're probably hiding their asses.

859. It'd be a prudent move on their part if they were,

860. but I could smell them if they were here.

861. Come on, let's go upstairs.

862. - Connie, you have company. - We got something here for you.

863. Ew! Their bedroom.

864. Their fuck chamber itself.

865. Oh, this is where they mate, Crackers, right here on this very bed.

866. This is where they touch their uninspired little organs together,

867. vainly trying to recharge their worn-out battery of filthiness,

868. thrashing and moaning in the still of the night.

869. What kind of shit turns them on, Mama? What do they do in here?

870. All sorts of disgusting positions, I would imagine, Crackers.

871. Connie probably takes Raymond's little peanut of a cock

872. between her brittle, chapped lips

873. and then scrapes her ugly, decayed teeth up and down on it,

874. while asshole Raymond thinks he's getting the best head on the East Coast.

875. Then they probably sit here and stare at each other's blue and red hair

876. while they goose each other and say dirty words.

877. Oh, get everything real good, honey.

878. Oh, Crackers, get this couch real good.

879. They probably sit here and say all sorts of banal things to one another.

880. Why, they may have even decided to send us that turd on this very sofa.

881. I'm getting it all, Mama. Don't you worry.

882. They think they're filthy.

883. We'll just see what the furniture thinks. Right, Mama? Am I right?

884. Yes, Crackers, yes. Don't miss anything.

885. Should I shit on the floor, Mama? Right here in the living room?

886. No, Crackers, no. Don't do anything yet.

887. Oh! Just get your saliva glands going.

888. Real good.

889. Juicy.

890. But is it enough, Mama? Will it be enough?

891. Shouldn't we do something a little filthier, a little heavier,

892. just to be sure?

893. Oh, we still have other rooms to go.

894. The dining room!

895. Oh, this is where they eat, Crackers.

896. This is where they shove dirty little portions of bacteria

897. down their weaselly little throats.

898. This is where they spread germs, disease and infection,

899. gobbling obscene fruits and vegetables all in the name of health.

900. How disgusting!

901. Get this table soaking wet.

902. Oh, Mama, Mama, this is gonna work.

903. Our divinity will show through.

904. It'll show through all the bullshit crammed in this little dwelling.

905. The house will react, Mama. It's gonna react real good.

906. Oh, Crackers. Oh, Crackers, my baby Crackers.

907. No house could stand the two of our venoms.

908. Our saliva —

909. Oh, Crackers, it will work.

910. Without you, it wouldn't have been enough. Oh, my only son, Crackers.

911. Oh, Mama, Mama.

912. I just thank God above I was lucky enough to be the soul

913. that was placed in my body,

914. the body of Divine's son,

915. the body and blood of another generation of divinity.

916. Oh, Crackers! Crackers. My only baby, Crackers.

917. My own flesh and blood.

918. My own heritage. My own genes.

919. Oh, Crackers, let Mama receive you like communion.

920. Let Mama make a gift to you, a gift that only a mother can make,

921. a gift so special it will curse this house for years after we're gone.

922. Oh, Crackers, a gift of supreme motherhood!

923. A gift of divinity!

924. Oh, Mama!

925. Oh, Mama!

926. Oh, Mama, I want to accept your gift.

927. Oh, Mama, accept it as a loving son should, Mama.

928. Oh, Mama, a son that would kill for you,

929. steal for you, even die for you, Mama!

930. Oh, yes, Mama! I accept your gift!

931. I accept it as a loving son should, Mama.

932. Yes, Mama, I'm yours, completely yours.

933. Oh, Crackers, prepare to receive the most divine gift a mother can give.

934. Oh! Oh, Mama!

935. Mama! Oh, this will clinch it.

936. This will ruin this house forever.

937. Oh, Mama! That's it. That's it.

938. Do my balls, Mama!

939. That's it! Ah!

940. Farther! Farther down!

941. Oh, Mama! Oh!

942. You're the best! The best ever!

943. I should have known you'd be better than anyone.

944. Help! Let me out!

945. - Oh, Crackers! Somebody else is in here. - But, Mama! Mama!

946. - Oh, quit that! - Goddamn it, Mama!

947. Get your pants up! Somebody else is in the house!

948. Goddamn it!

949. This place oughta go up like a tinderbox.

950. Let's spread it everywhere.

951. God, I love the smell of gasoline, Raymond.

952. We are the filthiest people alive.

953. As we have always been, Connie.

954. Oh, revenge, sweet revenge.

955. I wonder how that fat cow likes prison.

956. Probably couldn't fit the sow into a cell with anybody else.

957. I wonder how her party guests like her now.

958. I wonder how — if she had a happy birthday.

959. Let's hurry up and get out of here. You know how fire makes me nervous.

960. Nonsense, Raymond.

961. Fire is beautiful, licking and scorching everything it touches.

962. Get some more on here. Get their bedrooms good.

963. Who else is in this house? Where is everyone else hiding?

964. Just the girls. Please don't hurt me. I won't call the police.

965. You're goddamn right you won't! Now, where are Connie and Raymond Marble?

966. They're out. I swear they went out.

967. Just the girls are here. Just the girls in the cellar.

968. What girls?

969. The girls they keep locked up in the cellar.

970. Please let me go. Just let me out of this house.

971. You can do anything you like. Just please let me out of this house.

972. When will the Marbles be back? Tell us!

973. I don't know. I swear I don't know.

974. They locked me in here this morning. They fired me.

975. Just let me out of this house. Please, just let me out of this house.

976. Come on. We'll go see about these girls you keep talking about.

977. Oh, please help us.

978. Oh, please.

979. What is — What is this?

980. Oh, please, please help us.

981. Call the police. Contact my parents.

982. Please take this note. The address is on the back.

983. What's happened? Please, tell us what's happened.

984. Where are Connie and Raymond Marble?

985. - What is this shit? - How could I know?

986. I've been locked up here.

987. I never saw them except for the day they kidnapped me.

988. We never see them. Only Channing.

989. Please help us to escape.

990. Oh, Miss Lady, whoever you are,

991. I beg of you to free Linda and I from here.

992. Please, so I can have an abortion before it's too late.

993. If you free us, we will do anything.

994. Did the Marbles lock you down here? Did they do this to you?

995. Yes. I've been down here for months —

996. endless, horror-filled months in this damned pit,

997. chained like a starving animal,

998. only hoping that I would be killed rather than continue living like this.

999. You never see the Marbles? Never?

1000. No, only Chan,

1001. this repulsive pervert you have tied up.

1002. Please! He raped us both so we'd become pregnant!

1003. The Marbles just sit up there waiting for us to die in childbirth

1004. and then they sell the poor babies.

1005. It's been a nightmare.

1006. If you don't free us, we will die and rot in this pit.

1007. They have no mercy.

1008. Free them, Crackers. I'll hold him.

1009. Chan's got the key in his pocket.

1010. No! Let me go! I didn't do anything.

1011. Shut up, you filthy bastard.

1012. Oh, Miss Lady, whoever you are, don't let him go. Please.

1013. He is our keeper.

1014. He has beaten me many times and caused me untold misery.

1015. He's one of them! Don't let him go!

1016. He works for the Marbles!

1017. No. I was only doing my job.

1018. I have no malice toward either of you.

1019. - There you go, honey. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.

1020. Oh, God, I can go home again.

1021. Keep him tied.

1022. There you go, missy, free as a bird.

1023. Oh, thank you so very much.

1024. Could we chain him?

1025. Oh, do whatever you like. You can even kill him if you want to.

1026. Either you do it, or we will, whichever you prefer.

1027. - Oh, let us! Let us! - Let us!

1028. Well, Chan, the tables turn, don't they?

1029. No, please, Suzie, I couldn't free you.

1030. I was only doing my job. Have mercy on me!

1031. Bullshit, Chan! You could've freed us.

1032. Why didn't you help us escape if you felt no malice towards us?

1033. Bullshit! You kept us locked up like slaves, bastard!

1034. And you're gonna pay for it.

1035. I'm gonna cut that big, fat worm right off you.

1036. Oh, no! Oh, God, not that!

1037. Wanna jerk off just one more time, stud? Just one more time?

1038. - No! - Hold him.

1039. There. I've got it.

1040. - Cut it! - No! No!

1041. Light it, my darling.

1042. We are the filthiest people alive.

1043. - Oh! - Fire, fire, burn it down.

1044. Fire, fire, to the ground.

1045. Burn, you fucker! Burn!

1046. Let's hurry and get out of here before someone sees the smoke.

1047. The smoke, Connie. It's done. The battle of filth has been won.

1048. We are the filthiest people alive!

1049. Run, Connie, run!

1050. Oh! The filthiest!

1051. - Those goddamn Marbles. - We'll take care of 'em, Mama.

1052. - We'll get those assholes later. - Mama, look! There's smoke!

1053. - Oh, my God! - Oh, the trailer!

1054. - Oh, no! No! - No!

1055. - Oh, God, no! - Oh, no! No!

1056. My gorgeous hideaway!

1057. Oh, no! No! No!

1058. - Oh, God! - And Franklin's theatrical wardrobe!

1059. They did it. Them fucking Marbles did it.

1060. Back! Back! Back to the Marbles!

1061. A press conference!

1062. Back to the Marbles and seize those fuckers!

1063. I'll kill 'em! I'll kill 'em!

1064. At last it is over, Raymond.

1065. The battle of filth has been won.

1066. This calls for a celebration.

1067. In certainly does. A victory celebration.

1068. Oh, Jesus! God, I love you, Raymond.

1069. Are you happy with our filthiness, my darling?

1070. Are you glad that your wife is here beside you,

1071. sharing with you this bond of filth?

1072. This has been the most important day of my life, Connie.

1073. Filthiness is a reality.

1074. After all these years of nagging uncertainty,

1075. I know now that we are indeed the filthiest couple alive.

1076. Come to me, my darling.

1077. Come receive what was promised you in the holy vows of matrimony.

1078. I am yours, Raymond, all yours, my beautiful darling.

1079. Connie!

1080. - Connie, are you all right? - What happened, Raymond? What happened?

1081. The couch! It rejected you!

1082. Something's wrong, Raymond. Something's terribly wrong.

1083. Well, it's just out of order. You're all right, Connie. Get up.

1084. I'm afraid to, honey. How can a couch be out of order?

1085. Something just went wrong with it, Connie. You're all right. See? This chair is okay.

1086. - It's all right. - But that couch threw me, Raymond.

1087. Nothing can be the matter with that couch. We just got it.

1088. - Oh! - Raymond!

1089. I'm all right, Connie. I'm not hurt.

1090. Something is the matter with this house. Channing must have done something.

1091. He'll know something. We'll beat it out of him.

1092. He's gone, Connie. Channing has escaped.

1093. How could he have escaped?

1094. Raymond, check the pit. He may have let the girls go.

1095. They'll call the police, Connie! The police!

1096. Oh, my God! The police!

1097. The police!

1098. Oh!

1099. He's been castrated!

1100. His penis is gone!

1101. The girls have escaped! The girls have escaped!

1102. They'll call the police. Hurry. Let's get out of here.

1103. Raymond, I'm afraid!

1104. Hurry, Connie. Hurry.

1105. Connie and Raymond Marble!

1106. - Oh, no! - No, stop it! Stop it!

1107. You're gonna get it good, bitch.

1108. No, leave us —

1109. Well, well, well.

1110. Connie and Raymond Marble.

1111. I've been looking forward to meeting you. It's a real pleasure.

1112. And you're even bigger assholes than I imagined.

1113. You burned my house down!

1114. No, please. Who are you? We don't know you.

1115. - Make it too tight. - You know who I am, bitch!

1116. I'm the filthiest person alive! That's who I am!

1117. No, please, you must be mistaken. Our name is Waldo. Harry and Jean Waldo.

1118. Shut up! Just shut up! Gag him before I kill him!

1119. Wait for the newsmen, Ma. Wait for the newsmen.

1120. Wait till they get here.

1121. That ought to shut him up.

1122. Hey, Raymond, you must think we're awful fucking stupid, huh?

1123. Huh? Well, here's a little something for you.

1124. Burn down our house, will you?

1125. Who are you? You have the wrong people!

1126. Shut up, Connie! Shut up!

1127. You know who we are! Cut the hogwash!

1128. Save it for the papers.

1129. You're Connie Marble and you're gonna pay for being Connie Marble.

1130. No! No!

1131. And you're going to pay royally, bitch.

1132. Let this be a lesson to you, just in case there is reincarnation.

1133. It's virtually impossible to be filthier than Divine.

1134. I didn't get my reputation for nothing, you know.

1135. But you found out too late, Connie. Yeah, too late.

1136. 'Cause you and shithead here aren't going to be around tomorrow.

1137. No, you're not going to be around to put your newfound knowledge to use.

1138. 'Cause you're gonna be dead, Connie!

1139. Dead! Yes, dead!

1140. That's tight, Crackers. It's so tight it makes their blood hurt.

1141. Oh, just make sure they don't make another sound,

1142. because I don't think I'd be able

1143. to control myself if they made any more noise.

1144. I'd just have to kill them right now! I just won't be able to wait!

1145. I know what you mean, Babs. I feel like ripping them apart myself.

1146. They ain't gonna be doing much talking, are you?

1147. Come on, children. We can't keep the photographers waiting.

1148. And we're going to give them a story that will knock the news day

1149. right off its fucking boring little ass.

1150. Come on, Connie and Raymond. You have a personal appearance to make.

1151. John Vader of the Midnight here,

1152. looking for Divine somewhere in Phoenix, Maryland.

1153. Divine, you're looking fantastic.

1154. Why, thank you, Mr. Vader. I'm so glad you could come.

1155. Nat Curzan here from The Tattler.

1156. - Well, good afternoon, Mr. Curzan. - Hello.

1157. Gentlemen, get ready,

1158. 'cause you're about to witness the trial of these two unfortunates,

1159. commonly known as Connie and Raymond Marble.

1160. Their trial will take place in front of your very eyes

1161. and their execution will follow.

1162. - We're gonna witness an actual murder? - A live homicide?

1163. That is right, gentlemen.

1164. Goldstein. Larry Goldstein.

1165. Very tempting.

1166. And I have a question for you, Miss… Cotton.

1167. - Is that correct? "Cotton"? - Yes, it is.

1168. Are you a willing accomplice to these murders that are about to take place?

1169. This is not exactly a murder, Mr. Goldstein.

1170. This is a court, a kangaroo court, as the headlines could scream.

1171. Not a mere murder as you would call it.

1172. If we were involved in merely another murder,

1173. it could hardly be headlines.

1174. It's not just the publicity.

1175. My mama couldn't go on her everyday life with this kind of shit going on.

1176. My mama was not the aggressor in this little war we had.

1177. She only did what had to be done. It was suicide on their part.

1178. And, Cotton, I notice a smile on your lips.

1179. Does murder make you happy?

1180. Murder merely relieves tension, Mr. Curzan.

1181. For murder to bring happiness, one must already be happy,

1182. and I am completely at peace with myself, totally happy.

1183. - Give me more questions. - Divine, are you a lesbian?

1184. - Yes. I have done everything. - Does blood turn you on?

1185. It does more than turn me on, Mr. Vader. It makes me come.

1186. And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it.

1187. The taste of hot, freshly killed blood.

1188. Could you give us some of your political beliefs?

1189. Kill everyone now. Condone first-degree murder.

1190. Advocate cannibalism. Eat shit.

1191. Filth are my politics. Filth is my life.

1192. Take whatever you like.

1193. Yes!

1194. How's this for a center spread?

1195. - Whoo! - Eww!

1196. - Jesus. - Christ Almighty!

1197. Okay, Divine, where will you go now?

1198. I'm sure you're aware that after the execution,

1199. you will be the subject of an extensive search.

1200. To another city to set up headquarters once again.

1201. Of course, I cannot reveal to you the exact location.

1202. Patience, Mr. Vader, patience.

1203. Another time, another story. And now for the trial.

1204. - You sit here. - Back here?

1205. Mm-hmm. Sit down.

1206. No pictures during the trial, please. This is a court of law.

1207. I call to the stand Miss Cotton.

1208. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

1209. I do.

1210. - Who burned down our trailer? - Connie and Raymond Marble.

1211. Can you point them out in this court?

1212. There they are right there. The ones that are tied up.

1213. Who sent me a turd in the mail?

1214. Connie and Raymond Marble.

1215. That is all. Is there any cross-examination?

1216. No cross-examination? Very well. You may step down.

1217. I call to the stand Crackers.

1218. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

1219. Sure, Mama. I wouldn't shit you.

1220. How did Connie and Raymond find out where we live?

1221. - They hired a spy. - How did this spy get her information?

1222. By nosing around, asking a lot of questions.

1223. And by fucking me. That's how she got it, that dirty little scag.

1224. Mm-mmm-mmm. Thank you.

1225. Is there any cross-examination?

1226. No? A very strange defense, I must say.

1227. You may step down.

1228. Gentlemen, the verdict is guilty

1229. on all ten counts of first-degree stupidity.

1230. The penalty phase will now begin.

1231. I call Cotton to the stand.

1232. Your oath still remains. I presume you understand this.

1233. Naturally.

1234. In your opinion, what should the penalty in this case be?

1235. - Death. - That is all.

1236. You may step down.

1237. I call Crackers to the stand.

1238. - You realize you are still under oath? - Of course.

1239. In your opinion, should these people be allowed to live?

1240. No.

1241. Thank you.

1242. Gentlemen of the press, the verdict is death.

1243. But first, due to the magnitude of these capital crimes,

1244. these two people must be humiliated in front of the media.

1245. Use these pictures, gentlemen, and use them wisely.

1246. We have an example to set.

1247. Let the good people of this country know that they cannot fuck with Divine

1248. and get away with it.

1249. Let them know that we are indeed the filthiest people alive.

1250. - Mr. Vader. - Yes.

1251. Divine, do you think that there are other filthy people in the world?

1252. I mean, is it now a cult?

1253. It is a very minor cult right now, Mr. Vader,

1254. but one that is growing and growing, growing faster than you could imagine.

1255. I will be queen one day

1256. and my coronation will be celebrated all over the world.

1257. Do not forget. I am Divine.

1258. What a day for an execution.

1259. Off the record, Mama, do we stab them or shoot them?

1260. - Shoot, Crackers, shoot. - Good.

1261. No mess for the Midnight.

1262. - Don't forget The Tattler. - And The Tattler, honey.

1263. - And Confidential. - How could I ever forget the Confidential?

1264. - Come on, gentlemen. Come this way. - Come on.

1265. - Come on, Crackers. Help me with this tar. - Okay, Miss Cotton.

1266. Here, hold them.

1267. Burn my mama's house down, will you?

1268. You goddamn worm. You fucking piece of lousy shit!

1269. And now for the feathers!

1270. Only we're not going to run you out of town.

1271. We're going to kill you.

1272. Kill, kill, kill.

1273. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

1274. Questions and answers!

1275. - Do you believe in God? - I am God.

1276. - You are God! - You are God!

1277. Is there no wrong?

1278. There is right, and there is wrong.

1279. I have never been wrong, Mr. Goldstein.

1280. Do you expect to get new followers with this publicity?

1281. I certainly hope so, Mr. Curzan.

1282. I didn't invite you here to jerk off, you know.

1283. Get this all down. Don't miss one single word.

1284. Suppose we decide not to print this story, Miss Divine. What then?

1285. Mr. Vader!

1286. See them? Does that answer your question?

1287. I have your address, and I know you have a wife and child.

1288. - Is that correct? - Yes.

1289. Well, if nothing is printed, we might be in the mood for a barbecue.

1290. Get what I mean? A human barbecue.

1291. End of question-and-answer period. Proceed with the execution.

1292. They are finished, and a lovely couple they are.

1293. Aren't they?

1294. Gentlemen of the press, get ready,

1295. 'cause you are about to witness the biggest news event of the year.

1296. Live homicide.

1297. Connie and Raymond Marble, you have breathed your last breath.

1298. You have sighed your last sigh.

1299. You are no longer alive.

1300. Connie Marble, you stand convicted of assholism.

1301. The proper punishment will now take place.

1302. Look pretty for the picture, Connie.

1303. That's it.

1304. No further questions. No further pictures.

1305. I have spoken.

1306. Thanks for the scoop, Divine. Next month's sales should be booming.

1307. - Thank you for coming. - Do keep in touch.

1308. - I will, Mr. Vader. - Always know where I am.

1309. The readers aren't gonna believe this. Thank you.

1310. Always count on her for a story, I'll tell you that.

1311. She always was a news-conscious woman.

1312. The only problem is — I don't know.

1313. We've been trying to get the Midnight in supermarkets,

1314. and it is a hot story, all right, but it's so squalid.

1315. Well, The Tattler will be in the supermarkets. You can bet on that.

1316. The time has come for flight, my children.

1317. Where to, Mama? Where to?

1318. Let's move to Boise. I always wanted to go there.

1319. Boise, Cotton? Why, that might not be a bad place.

1320. - Were you ever there, Cotton? - Only once.

1321. We robbed a transit bus there. Remember?

1322. I remember. The number 42.

1323. Let's sleep in gas station lavatories this time, Mama.

1324. - Okay. - Fuck permanent residences.

1325. It'll strengthen our filthiness.

1326. Oh, Crackers, that's a wonderful idea.

1327. Gas station lavatories.

1328. What do you say, Babs? Let's move to Boise.

1329. Oh, if that's what you want, my children, then that's what you'll get.

1330. Boise, Idaho, here we come.

1331. I hope Boise's ready for some star residents.

1332. Why, I'll have to change my appearance.

1333. I think I'll dye my hair another color and start dressing like a dyke.

1334. Me, too. I'll get a crew cut.

1335. Maybe it's about time I started dying my hair too.

1336. What color do you want, honey?

1337. I'm gonna make mine hot pink with a DA with Elvis Presley sideburns.

1338. Maybe blond, Mama.

1339. - Do you think I'd look good as a blond? - Uh-huh.

1340. Do you think it'd enhance my filthiness?

1341. Oh, Crackers, you should dye your hair. It would make you look much filthier.

1342. - Oh, won't it be fun? - Won't it?

1343. I'll have a crew cut, you'll have a pink DA

1344. and Crackers will have blond hair,

1345. all in Boise, Idaho.

1346. Oh, then it's settled. Boise, Idaho, get ready.

1347. You are about to receive some migrants of a very special nature,

1348. a nature that defies description.

1349. You are about to receive into your community

1350. the filthiest people alive.

1351. The filthiest people alive?

1352. Well, you think you know somebody filthier?

1353. Watch as Divine proves

1354. that not only is she the filthiest person in the world,

1355. she is also the filthiest actress in the world.

1356. What you are about to see is the real thing.