1. The road of life is always
under construction.
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2. The journey is hard,
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3. but once you reach the top,
the view is amazing.
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4. And that view is even more beautiful
when you have someone to share it with.
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5. Mr. Blart.
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6. For six days.
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7. My beautiful wife of almost a week
let me know by letter
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8. that she had what I like to call
"some regrets."
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9. Her doctor called it
"uncontrollable vomiting."
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10. Honey.
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11. Her lawyer, "Dissolution of marriage. "
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12. That's okay.
I needed a little time to myself.
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13. Like the song says,
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14. "I've been to paradise,
but I've never been to me."
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15. I spent the next two years losing myself
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16. in the sweet escape of keeping
the West Orange Pavilion Mail safe.
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17. At least I still had the one thing
that never seemed to let me down.
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18. Security.
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19. Are you lost son?
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20. Anyway, come with me.
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21. - Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
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22. Andy, now give the fake cop a hug.
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23. We're actually... We're certified, ma'am.
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24. We take a test and everything.
It's pretty vigorous.
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25. All right, hug him, Andy.
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26. Well, it was nice to see you, little man.
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27. You know what, ma'am,
he doesn't want to give me a hug.
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28. - And it's okay.
- No, he wants a hug.
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29. - I don't think he does. Hey.
- Okay, Andy, hug him.
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30. - Honey.
- Want to come in?
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31. - Sweetie. You're embarrassing Mommy.
- He doesn't want...
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32. - No, he's not embarrassing me. He's fine.
- Hug him.
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33. He doesn't have to hug me.
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34. I saw white. I saw white.
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35. I'll get him again, ma'am. I'll find him.
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36. And on the home front, I always had Mom.
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37. There's my paper.
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38. That is, until she got drilled
by a milk truck.
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39. Didn't know they even had those anymore.
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40. I guess I was the last one to get the memo.
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41. Paul Blart had officially peaked.
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42. Or had I?
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43. "Congratulations, Officer Blart.
You have been selected to join..."
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44. "Congratulations.
You have been accepted to UCLA."
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45. Maya! Come down here!
I got some great news!
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46. Me, too!
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47. Honey, we've been invited to
the Security Officers Trade Association Expo
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48. and award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada!
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49. Vegas? Wow.
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50. Yeah, I think I'm finally being recognized for,
you know, getting the mall out of that jam.
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51. Dad, you saved the mall.
They should honor you.
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52. - I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
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53. You know times have been tough,
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54. but no matter what happens,
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55. as long as I have you by my side,
I'm gonna be okay.
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56. But enough about me.
What's your great news?
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57. Yeah, I just remembered that
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58. we have leftover baked ziti.
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59. What a day!
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60. Yeah.
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61. All right.
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62. - Can I help you with your bags, sir?
- No. That's how they get you.
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63. - I'll be fine on my own, thank you.
- No problem, sir.
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64. Lift with the legs. With the legs.
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65. We're moving. Here we go.
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66. Nice little break in the day.
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67. We're going again. We're going again.
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68. Legs.
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69. - Paul Blart?
- Yes, sir.
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70. I thought that was you.
Donna Ericone, Mall of America.
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71. Man, we still talk about
your Black Friday save.
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72. Thank you.
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73. I don't know if you heard.
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74. There's gonna be
a surprise keynote speaker tonight.
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75. Word on the street,
it's gonna be the officer
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76. who's gone above and beyond
the call of duty.
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77. What?
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78. I got to be honest, I had a feeling,
but do you really think that, I mean...
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79. - Who else?
- Yeah.
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80. Unless RoboCop walks into the room.
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81. Yeah, I would definitely
stand down for RoboCop.
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82. - He's not real.
- No, I know he's not real,
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83. but I would stand down for him.
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84. He ain't real.
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85. Just don't tell anybody I told you.
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86. - Told me what?
- About the key...
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87. You got me. You done gone and got me.
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88. That was in the throat.
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89. That was in the throat.
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90. - See you tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
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91. Roger that, Officer Ericone.
That was straight to the throat.
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92. That didn't even glance off the chest.
It went right up.
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93. - May I help the next guest?
- We're next. Here we go. Yes.
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94. - Yello-ha!
- Good afternoon.
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95. - Welcome to the Wynn Resort.
- Checking in.
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96. Absolutely, Mr. Blart.
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97. Mr. Blart.
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98. You're probably thrown by the travel wear.
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99. - Actually, it's "officer"
- Okay, sorry about that.
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100. Yes, Officer Blart.
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101. I see we have you in a
partial mountain view,
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102. and you requested
a bottomless bowl of Peanut M&M's.
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103. Yeah, it's strictly medicinal.
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104. Unfortunately,
I am cursed with hypoglycemia.
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105. Sugar level drops, so do I.
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106. I'm sorry. Your room isn't ready yet.
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107. But you can leave your luggage here,
and I will have it delivered to your room.
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108. Dad, I'm starving.
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109. - Can we just go get some lunch?
- Hold the mayo.
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110. Hold on a second here.
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111. You probably didn't know this, Heath,
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112. but if you check the Grand Ballroom
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113. and see which group
is booked there this evening,
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114. I think your tune may change a wee bit.
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115. - Mini Kiss. The cover band.
- Yeah, I'm not with them.
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116. Is there a manager I could speak with?
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117. You know, she's not available
right now, so...
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118. You're taking my legs out
from under me here.
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119. - Is the Terrace Cafe open for lunch?
- Yes, it is.
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120. I'm out.
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121. Bring it in, Heath.
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122. Little tighter, bring it in. Yes.
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123. Just a little bit closer range.
I can't let this out.
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124. But it seems to be that I'm going to be
delivering the keynote speech tonight
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125. at the security officers' convention.
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126. You know, I think they canceled that.
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127. They didn't.
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128. But it was downsized to Conference Room C.
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129. Nope, F.
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130. - Okay, here's a map of the property.
- Okay.
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131. There you are.
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132. - Thank you.
- No, that's yours to keep.
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133. Don't need it. It's already been scanned.
Locked and loaded.
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134. Thank you. Time for some lunch.
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135. - Sir?
- Yeah?
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136. Your daughter and the restaurant
are that way,
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137. Yeah, you had that upside down
when I scanned it. That's why... It's on you.
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138. - Was I lying about the conch fritters?
- You were not.
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139. They're amazing,
with just the right amount of zip.
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140. - Yeah, you got to love the zip.
- I do. I mean, I was born to zip.
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141. I put my hand upon my hip
When I zip
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142. - You zip
- We zip
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143. I can't believe you know that song.
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144. Hey, sir. You actually forgot
your valet ticket.
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145. - Thank you.
- It's free.
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146. Yeah.
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147. I'm gonna go.
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148. You were born to zip?
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149. Since when do you use the word "zip"?
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150. - I always use the word "zip."
- I don't like it.
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151. Hipster talk Everybody's zipping.
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152. You need to slow it down, young lady.
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153. Look, Dad, you're gonna have to
get used to the fact that I'm a big girl now.
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154. Okay, first of all, we're all big.
We're Blarts.
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155. Wide hips, thick ankles
and a low center of gravity.
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156. That's how the good Lord made us.
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157. That's why we're no good at running hurdles,
and we never will be.
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158. What is that?
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159. This? It's my vibrating fork.
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160. It forces me to eat slower.
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161. You think I eat fast at home?
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162. On vacation, I'm like a cheetah
chasing a faster cheetah.
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163. Okay, see? Look at that right there.
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164. It's just fuel. It's just fuel.
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165. Here you go.
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166. - Mr Blart.
Shanghai!
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167. Sorry. Sorry to startle you, sir.
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168. - That's okay. You just hit the trip wire is all.
- Okay.
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169. Well, I'm Divina Martinez,
the hotel's general manager,
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170. and I wanted to apologize
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171. about the confusion
regarding the convention.
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172. And good news, I upgraded your room.
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173. It has a view of the Strip.
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174. It's ready right now,
and I wanted to give you the keys personally.
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175. Sorry about that.
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176. Although, I must say,
you have very soft hands.
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177. Airbag!
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178. Excuse me?
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179. I sense what you're doing, Divina.
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180. What am I doing?
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181. Truthfully, being a bit transparent.
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182. I'm sorry, I don't follow.
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183. Look, I understand it's the 21st century,
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184. and a woman can go after hers
just like a man.
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185. - Dad, I'm pretty sure she wasn't...
- Tadpole, this is grown-up stuff. Okay?
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186. Look, I know it takes two to tango,
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187. but my dancing shoes
are currently out for repair.
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188. - Sir. I'm sorry if I...
- Apology not needed.
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189. Just know I'm working my way
through a maze of personal fire,
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190. and until the flames of chaos subside,
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191. I'm just not ready for public consumption.
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192. I understand, sir.
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193. Have a great stay.
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194. It's not just me, right?
I mean, she was relentless.
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195. Relentless.
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196. What troubles you, my pet?
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197. I just had the strangest exchange
with that guy over there,
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198. Yeah.
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199. He accused me of hitting on him.
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200. Funny.
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201. They say overweight people
use humor to achieve affection.
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202. You know what, that makes sense.
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203. Excuse me, Ms. Martinez?
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204. - Our VIP guest has arrived.
- Thank you.
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205. Okay.
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206. Welcome back to Wynn Las Vegas, Mr. Sofel.
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207. We have the accommodations
you requested all ready for you.
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208. If you need anything at all, please,
don't hesitate to call either myself
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209. or our head of security, Mr. Furtillo.
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210. You guys took me for
a lot of money on my last visit.
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211. Well, I hope you're able to
turn that around this time.
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212. I plan to.
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213. I got to say, I don't know
how this is an upgrade.
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214. I'll tell you what, Maya, you take the bed.
I will take the rollaway.
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215. Dad, this is your convention.
You can't sleep on the rollaway.
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216. I certainly can, okay?
I once fell asleep raking leaves.
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217. We'll figure it out later.
I got to get going.
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218. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
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219. Thanks for telling me Victoria's secret.
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220. What do you think you're wearing,
young lady?
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221. A bathing suit?
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222. Maybe for an elf.
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223. Decorum. De-cor-um.
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224. - I was just going to hang out by the pool.
- Yeah, well, not in that, you're not.
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225. Fine.
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226. - Then I'm going exploring.
- Hold up.
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227. - You got your extra phone battery?
- Yes.
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228. - Flashlight?
- Always.
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229. - Hot pepper spray?
- Check.
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230. - Pocketknife keychain window smasher?
- I do.
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231. - Baby road flares?
- Yes' I've got it all!
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232. One more second here, There.
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233. I've set it to monitor,
so I can hear everything that's going on.
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234. No way. I already feel like a SWAT unit.
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235. Maya! Security is a mission.
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236. Not an intermission.
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237. Well, let's see if I bankrolled
the right NSA agent.
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238. - How's that?
- So far, so good.
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239. Excuse me guys,
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240. but we have a complaint about the noise.
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241. That's why we have you.
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242. Gotta say, Henk, nice uniform.
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243. Right? Look at that. Smiley.
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244. You don't want to know
what it took to get the real deal.
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245. No, I don't.
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246. Okay.
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247. They've moved several of
the pieces in the last few days.
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248. Here's the new locations of all 13.
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249. Perfect. All right, I want to be in and out
in less than nine hours, people.
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250. Sync up.
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251. Sync.
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252. Let's go!
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253. Yes, shooter, yes! Yeah!
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254. - What's all the hoopla, friend?
- This guy's crushing.
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255. I'm literally running
out of room for my chips.
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256. He's on the greatest run I've ever seen!
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257. Sir, you're gonna have to place a bet
if you want to stand at the table.
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258. I don't know how to play craps,
but I'll tell you what,
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259. Lady Luck's certainly
been in my corner as of late.
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260. So I am in, okay? What do I do?
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261. It's easy. Give me $60.
We'll place the six.
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262. - $60.
- 60 bucks.
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263. Wow, this is exciting.
I got to be honest, very exciting.
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264. Sir, can I get you a drink?
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265. You know what, how much for a root beer?
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266. 'Cause I'm currently very invested
in Mr. Wynn's casino.
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267. - Well, actually, it's complimentary.
Complimentary.
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268. I love it! Root beers around the horn!
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269. What do you... Just one is fine. Just one.
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270. Sir, come on. This table's really hot.
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271. - Give me 20 bucks for the hard six.
- Okay. $20.
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272. - Give me $20 for the hard eight.
- $20.
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273. - Give me $25 for the horn high yo.
- $25.
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274. - Give me $20 on the field.
- That's all I have.
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275. - The field is out there.
- No more bets.
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276. All right! I've never felt more alive!
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277. Shooter, come on! Number...
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278. Seven out. Craps.
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279. - Loser!
- Fat guy ruined it.
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280. - You lost everything.
- You suck!
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281. Get your bets down,
C and E's, horn bets, high-lows.
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282. - Get this game going.
- Your root beer, sir.
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283. Thank you.
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284. Yeah, I would love that.
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285. That's a very good choice. Nice. Gold.
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286. Yeah, exactly. It was him. You guys...
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287. Let's go.
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288. How long have you worked here?
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289. Not too long Is that your dad?
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290. I wish I could say no right now.
I'll be right back.
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291. - Dad?
Hey!
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292. See you later, Tom and Rita.
You guys are awesome. Take care.
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293. I'll see you at the reception.
I'm not gonna go.
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294. I'm not gonna go. I'm not gonna go.
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295. - Dad, are you spying on me?
Spying?
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296. - No. No, no, no. I...
- Dad, you're embarrassing me!
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297. I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'll leave you alone.
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298. Please.
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299. Blart!
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300. Saul Gundermutt,
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301. head of the Security Officers
Trade Association.
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302. - I catch you at a bad time?
- No. No, no. It's a pleasure, sir.
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303. Pleasure's mine.
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304. And I just want you to know
that I got you sitting at my table tonight.
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305. I got to say, sir, I am just so excited.
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306. I'm gonna be honest, I did hear rumblings.
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307. Rumblings?
- About the keynote.
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308. Yeah. Well, with good reason.
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309. Nick Panero's giving it.
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310. Great guy, great guy.
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311. Yeah, Nick Panero.
Those were the rumblings.
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312. That is just terrific.
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313. It really is. That's I'm so happy.
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314. You know, maybe I could
meet him sometime.
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315. - Pick his brawn.
- Here's your chance.
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316. Blart, Officer Nick Panero
and Officer Gino Chizetti.
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317. - Hey, Officer Panero.
- Hold the applesauce, hotshot.
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318. I heard of you Rumor has it you thought
you were giving the keynote tonight.
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319. - He thought he was giving it.
- You thought you were giving it?
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320. - No. You know what, I never said...
- Man, you gotta stop
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321. bringing up that Black Friday thing, Blart.
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322. - It was, like, six years ago.
- You got to let it go.
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323. I never brought up Black Friday.
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324. I heard you're pretty good
on one of those things.
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325. I've been known to dabble.
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326. I... I really shouldn't.
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327. Actually, sir, you can't.
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328. I'll need a valid driver's license
if you want to take it for a test drive.
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329. Yeah, I'm all-access,
if you'll peep the laminate, okay?
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330. Let me just nudge her out of whisper mode.
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331. Okay, well, I see you know
your way around a p133.
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332. I do, I do, but this gal's a bit tired.
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333. I got a modified i2 Commuter myself.
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334. Still gonna need a valid license, though.
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335. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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336. How's that? Is that valid enough for you?
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337. That was pretty valid, huh?
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338. - Yeah.
- Please be careful, sir.
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339. It's about weight distribution.
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340. Make sure both your hands
are firmly on the grips.
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341. I guess you wouldn't want me doing this!
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342. - Yeah!
- Please don't.
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343. Missed.
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344. Blart!
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345. - You see that?
- That's not good.
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346. Still got the laminate.
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347. Dad, are you okay?
You should really get checked out.
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348. Pumpkin, my body's fine.
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349. It's my ego that took a hit.
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350. It turns out I'm not giving
the keynote tonight.
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351. Well, you know what?
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352. You should call a cop,
because you got robbed.
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353. Well, thanks, kitten.
Technically, I don't need a cop.
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354. - It's a figure of speech, Daddy.
- No, no, I know.
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355. I'm just saying, you know,
just that cops think they're all that,
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356. and I don't like it.
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357. I do not like it.
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358. Boy. We got a meet-and-greet in 15.
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359. I was wrong! The body does hurt.
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360. Lactic acid!
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361. Honey, you're not even dressed. Come on.
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362. As exciting as that sounds,
I think I'm just gonna take a bath and a nap.
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363. I'm kind of tired.
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364. Okay, yeah. I mean, no, you should...
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365. You should get some rest.
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366. Well, I'll come back
and get you for dinner at Bartolotta,
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367. 'cause we got reservations at 6:00.
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368. - It's supposed to be the real deal.
- Gotcha.
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369. Hey. Dad?
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370. I'm really sorry about the speech.
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371. I'll see you later.
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372. I got this one guy against the wall.
He's really sweating. He knows it's over.
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373. Then out of the corner of my eye
I see this other guy,
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374. and then I turn to him
and I say, "Hand over the yogurt."
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375. It was over that fast.
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376. - Lights out.
- Lights out.
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377. Hey, how much you pay for that belt?
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378. I don't know. It was a gift
from my daughter.
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379. You got a guy? 'Cause I got a guy.
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380. No, I don't have a belt guy.
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381. - That's crazy. What, you don't got a belt guy?
- No, I don't have a belt guy.
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382. Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
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383. Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
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384. Nice to meet you.
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385. It's been a heck of a day,
and that embrace certainly helped.
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386. So thank you. First one warmed me up,
this one brought it home.
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387. I think you kissed the shoulder.
All right, thank you.
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388. My pleasure.
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389. - Okay.
- It's time to go.
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390. It is. And I think the
doors are open, so...
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391. Whats the latest, friend?
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392. The Big Sticky Mess.
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393. A grenade launcher that shoots glue foam.
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394. Marbles. You can't run
with these under your feet.
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395. You can't even stand.
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396. The Vitru Sonic Taser renders your assailant
incapacitated for five seconds at a time.
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397. - Hey, Paul.
- Hey, Saul. What you got there?
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398. It's getting revealed
tomorrow at the luncheon.
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399. It's a prototype.
I'm not supposed to show anybody,
Copy !req
400. but since you're into
gyro-performance vehicles, take a gander.
Copy !req
401. Things will never be the same.
Copy !req
402. No!
Copy !req
403. Are you kidding me? Great.
Copy !req
404. - Are you okay?
- Thank you so much.
Copy !req
405. - Okay, here we go.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
406. - See you.
- Have a good day.
Copy !req
407. Hey, check it out, guys.
Copy !req
408. When you want them to pay the price,
you reach for The Finisher.
Copy !req
409. The most effective non-lethal
beanbag firearm on the market today.
Copy !req
410. Why don't you give it a spin?
Copy !req
411. - Me?
- Yeah. It's easy.
Copy !req
412. Okay.
Copy !req
413. Laser focus.
Copy !req
414. Exhale, pull the trigger. Predator.
Copy !req
415. The adjustments are off on the sight.
I can tell, it's a little off here.
Copy !req
416. That's the problem.
Copy !req
417. - Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
- Yes, sir?
Copy !req
418. Eduardo Furtillo,
head of security of Wynn Las Vegas.
Copy !req
419. Pleasure to meet a fellow brother-in-arms.
Copy !req
420. You know, a fun fact for you,
you might not notice,
Copy !req
421. but Mr. Furtillo here,
being the head of security,
Copy !req
422. is in a black coat while...
Copy !req
423. - I'm sorry, son, I didn't get your name.
- Jenkins.
Copy !req
424. Jenkins is in a purple coat.
Copy !req
425. See, there's a hierarchy of coat colors
based on their security responsibilities.
Copy !req
426. Black, gray, pine, and then, last, purple.
Copy !req
427. Sorry, no offense.
Copy !req
428. You're wearing a polyester shirt
with Spanx underneath.
Copy !req
429. Yes. Good catch.
Copy !req
430. - I see you admiring the non-lethals.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
431. I guess they don't trust you
with the real stuff?
Copy !req
432. No, they do, but we choose not to.
Copy !req
433. I mean, what are you
really guarding anyway?
Copy !req
434. Cell phone covers and Cinnabon?
Copy !req
435. There's also three ATMs
and a Dave & Buster's
Copy !req
436. that just is off the hook after 9:00.
It just gets crazy.
Copy !req
437. By the way, as a professional courtesy,
Copy !req
438. I'm happy to keep my eyes peeled
for any irregularities while I'm here, so...
Copy !req
439. Hey. Closer.
Copy !req
440. Closer.
Copy !req
441. Since I was named
head of security five years ago,
Copy !req
442. we have not had
so much as a towel go missing.
Copy !req
443. Your mother must be very proud
of your accomplishments.
Copy !req
444. That got real.
Copy !req
445. Wow' that was impressive.
Copy !req
446. Was it me, or did he smell
like tobacco and vanilla?
Copy !req
447. 'Cause I got a...
I don't know if it's cologne...
Copy !req
448. Let's just get some yogurt.
Copy !req
449. Maya?
Copy !req
450. Honey, I've been thinking about the menu,
Copy !req
451. and I don't care,
I'm going double parm. So...
Copy !req
452. Sunshine, you still in the tub?
Copy !req
453. Honey?
Copy !req
454. Get me security!
Copy !req
455. That's so cool' you got into UCLA.
You must be stoked!
Copy !req
456. Not really. I haven't been able
to tell my dad.
Copy !req
457. Why not? That's huge!
Don't you think he'll be excited?
Copy !req
458. I don't think he can handle it.
Copy !req
459. My parents were thrilled when I got my GED.
Copy !req
460. That is so cool your parents
support you like that.
Copy !req
461. Yup. Third time was the charm.
Copy !req
462. I'm not kidding.
Was closer to four, actually.
Copy !req
463. No. I got to go.
I was supposed to meet my dad for dinner.
Copy !req
464. - Okay, cool. Maybe I'll see you later.
- Yeah. I hope so.
Copy !req
465. Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
466. My daughter's missing.
She's not answering her phone.
Copy !req
467. Mr. Blart, I want you to know
that we will get to the bottom of this,
Copy !req
468. despite our differences.
Copy !req
469. Differences?
Copy !req
470. We need to establish motive.
Do you have a lot of money?
Copy !req
471. - Define "a lot." I mean, there's...
- Any.
Copy !req
472. No. Actually, I don't have a lot, no.
Copy !req
473. All right, are you an important man?
Copy !req
474. Well, you know, that depends who you ask.
Copy !req
475. I got to be honest.
Copy !req
476. Could this be some domestic situation?
Copy !req
477. - Your wife got angry?
- I'm not married.
Copy !req
478. - Your girlfriend found out you...
- No girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend.
Copy !req
479. - Does anybody love you?
- Yes. My daughter,
Copy !req
480. and she's been kidnapped.
Copy !req
481. You know, since she's an adult,
Copy !req
482. normally we're not gonna file
a missing persons report
Copy !req
483. till she's gone for at least 24 hours.
Copy !req
484. Well, let me tell you something.
Copy !req
485. I've been in the security game
for over 16 years,
Copy !req
486. and I've seen things
that you would not comprehend.
Copy !req
487. Understand this.
We are pulling the trigger, boys.
Copy !req
488. Now, I need you to establish a perimeter
and lock down the premises.
Copy !req
489. - You going to answer that?
- We're losing precious time!
Copy !req
490. This is Officer Blart.
I need to keep this line...
Copy !req
491. Yep. No, no. Okay. I see.
Copy !req
492. Yes. No, no, I can't... I can't...
Copy !req
493. I can't talk about it right now.
Copy !req
494. Okay, okay, okay. Now, we're gonna talk...
Copy !req
495. We're gonna talk about it later.
We're gonna tam about...
Copy !req
496. I gotta get going. I'm going.
Copy !req
497. Yeah, that was my daughter.
She's calling from the restaurant.
Copy !req
498. She just... She just called.
Copy !req
499. She's good.
Copy !req
500. My agents are highly trained professionals
Copy !req
501. that do not have time to let you play out
Copy !req
502. your little fantasies
about being a real cop, Mr. Blart.
Copy !req
503. Totally understand. I get it.
Yeah, you're right.
Copy !req
504. It is Officer Blart.
Copy !req
505. Hey, Dad. I ordered your favorite.
Copy !req
506. Really? Well, you know what?
I've lost my appetite.
Copy !req
507. What has gotten into you? You lied to me.
Copy !req
508. You said you were taking a nap.
Copy !req
509. - Well, I was going to, but...
- You never called me once.
Copy !req
510. You leave the bath filled,
which could have caused water damage,
Copy !req
511. candles lit, which could have
burnt down Las Vegas, Nevada.
Copy !req
512. I'm sorry. It's just that Lane invited me
to go out to the pool...
Copy !req
513. Lane? Lane?
That's what this betrayal's about?
Copy !req
514. Chicken Chow Lane?
Copy !req
515. Dad, people are looking.
Copy !req
516. What happened to her, Maya?
Copy !req
517. What happened to the pristine girl
who could never tell a lie?
Copy !req
518. What happened to
my little George Washington?
Copy !req
519. - George Washington?
- He could never tell a lie.
Copy !req
520. He was full truth in a powdered wig.
Copy !req
521. - I think you're overreacting.
- Really?
Copy !req
522. And when were you
gonna tell me about that?
Copy !req
523. - Where did you find this?
Please, Maya,
Copy !req
524. I'm a highly trained security specialist.
Copy !req
525. You can't expect to keep secrets from me.
Copy !req
526. I didn't think I'd get in.
Copy !req
527. I didn't even know you applied there.
Copy !req
528. What happened to Central Jersey
Applied Technical Junior College?
Copy !req
529. We're talking about UCLA here.
Copy !req
530. Yeah, I thought
we were talking about CJATJC.
Copy !req
531. Dad, you don't understand.
Copy !req
532. I have a chance to go to California.
Copy !req
533. Maya, California, it's too far away.
Copy !req
534. Well, think about it this way.
Copy !req
535. You could come visit me in the wintertime
when it's really cold in Jersey.
Copy !req
536. Of course I can, if I want some smog
on my earthquake flakes!
Copy !req
537. You know what? I've decided. I'm going.
Copy !req
538. Wait, wait. You just decided?
Copy !req
539. Well, you know what? Decision overruled.
Copy !req
540. Judge Blart now in session!
Copy !req
541. I know you've lost a lot lately,
and you're scared,
Copy !req
542. but what you're doing right now
is so wrong.
Copy !req
543. I'm going to UCLA.
Copy !req
544. Maya. Maya, you get back...
Copy !req
545. Maya.
Copy !req
546. Paul? I catch you at a bad Mme?
Copy !req
547. I want you to meet the wife.
Copy !req
548. - Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
549. - Nice to meet you, yeah.
- Are you here with your wife?
Copy !req
550. - Daughter.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
551. It's our last trip together
before she goes off to college.
Copy !req
552. Crusher.
Copy !req
553. - Gosh, ours just went last year.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
554. It was just as depressing as Idaho.
Copy !req
555. Yeah, the silence was unbearable.
Copy !req
556. I mean, the house was like
a cold tomb of loneliness.
Copy !req
557. Anyway...
Copy !req
558. - I would get so sad.
- Honey.
Copy !req
559. When you would leave for work,
Copy !req
560. I would just fire up the Sarah McLachlan,
walk into her closet
Copy !req
561. and smell the sweaters
that she left behind.
Copy !req
562. Yeah, I smell them. I smell the sweaters.
Copy !req
563. Well, at least I have
this little angel to get me through.
Copy !req
564. I mean, can you imagine
Copy !req
565. - trying to get through it alone?
- No, I couldn't do it.
Copy !req
566. - Could not do it.
- I could never do that alone.
Copy !req
567. - I love you.
- Love you, too.
Copy !req
568. Can't wait to meet your wife.
Copy !req
569. - Yeah, that'd be terrific.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
570. - Vegas, baby!
- Let's hit the tables!
Copy !req
571. Have her call me if you want to
get her nails done or whatever.
Copy !req
572. All right.
Copy !req
573. Problem?
Copy !req
574. They've already upgraded the lock
on Mr. van Gogh to the dual control.
Copy !req
575. You said the upgrades
weren't scheduled till tomorrow.
Copy !req
576. Because that is what the
security e-mail said.
Copy !req
577. Now, I do have a guy on the inside
Copy !req
578. who was supposed to alert me
if the schedule changed.
Copy !req
579. Obviously, he didn't.
Copy !req
580. Options.
Copy !req
581. We disable both controls
at the exact same moment
Copy !req
582. with a thermal lance. Now, it can be done,
Copy !req
583. but that's gonna push us back.
Copy !req
584. Okay. Let's switch out all the other pieces
before the rest get upgraded.
Copy !req
585. Then we can focus on the van Gogh.
Copy !req
586. It's number one on our buyer's list,
and I am not leaving without it.
Copy !req
587. Everybody listen up.
Copy !req
588. We're going now.
Copy !req
589. Now, we're leaving the van Gogh for last,
Copy !req
590. so Nadia will coordinate the new order.
Copy !req
591. They say Las Vegas has
the best security in the world.
Copy !req
592. Well, we're about to find out.
Copy !req
593. Bring me your guy on the inside.
Copy !req
594. - What'd I do?
- You don't get it.
Copy !req
595. - You just do not get it.
- Get what?
Copy !req
596. I said you had nice hair and nice teeth.
Copy !req
597. - Officer needs assistance.
- Don't you get it?
Copy !req
598. You smell like peat moss and curry,
and I think I'm gonna throw up.
Copy !req
599. You don't want to go out with me?
Copy !req
600. Whoa. Seems to me like two nice people
are trying to board the peace train,
Copy !req
601. but she seems to have derailed.
Copy !req
602. Look, this hairy, drunk rent-a-cop
confused "go away" for "hit on me."
Copy !req
603. - Hey...
- Ma'am, Officer Panero here,
Copy !req
604. who, in my professional opinion,
doesn't seem drunk,
Copy !req
605. has at least three years' training
in distress recognition.
Copy !req
606. I'm sure he sensed that
an attractive lady sitting by herself
Copy !req
607. most likely seemed a bit lonely.
Copy !req
608. So before you retreat
behind that wall we all put up,
Copy !req
609. just know that Officer Panero
was here for you.
Copy !req
610. Maybe I overreacted.
Copy !req
611. And he's giving the keynote tonight.
Copy !req
612. - Pleasure to be here.
- He's blotto.
Copy !req
613. Sort of like someone's mother
last Columbus Day.
Copy !req
614. Will you let it go? It was a
half box of wine.
Copy !req
615. She's very patriotic.
Copy !req
616. Well, there's no way Panero can go on.
Copy !req
617. We need a leader right now that can
step up, take the reins and inspire us.
Copy !req
618. I understand.
Copy !req
619. I tried contacting Officer Ferguson from
TSA, but he must have his phone off.
Copy !req
620. I mean, my hands are tied.
Copy !req
621. Paul?
Copy !req
622. Can you step up to the mate and save us?
Copy !req
623. I'm gonna need my dress whites.
Copy !req
624. Come on.
Copy !req
625. - Your uniform, as requested, Officer Blart.
- Thank you very much.
Copy !req
626. Here you go.
Copy !req
627. I am the general manager of this resort,
so I don't take tips.
Copy !req
628. And I don't normally deliver
dry cleaning either,
Copy !req
629. but I just... I wanted to clarify
Copy !req
630. that I was not making advances
towards you earlier,
Copy !req
631. nor would I, ever.
Copy !req
632. Look, I understand you have
no control over this.
Copy !req
633. Integrity is a bewitching gumbo,
Copy !req
634. but I'm preparing now internally,
to give the keynote.
Copy !req
635. So if you don't mind, okay?
Copy !req
636. Look, this is crazy.
Copy !req
637. I'm actually dating someone.
Copy !req
638. Please, ma'am, I practically invented
the fake boyfriend thing.
Copy !req
639. What?
Copy !req
640. Listen, you have no bearing
on my life whatsoever.
Copy !req
641. Your lip is sweating. It's sweating.
Copy !req
642. There is an audience out there
of security professionals
Copy !req
643. that paid good money to hear you speak.
Copy !req
644. They want to hear you.
Copy !req
645. That's not true. They didn't pay anything,
but they do deserve your best.
Copy !req
646. They deserve it. They deserve it.
Copy !req
647. Yeah, come on, man.
Copy !req
648. Just loosen up, baby, loosen up.
Copy !req
649. Coming at you! I'm gonna be coming.
Copy !req
650. Bring it to them, bring it to them.
Copy !req
651. I'm getting tight. I'm getting tight.
Copy !req
652. I can't breathe, man.
Copy !req
653. That's orange chicken.
Copy !req
654. What am I gonna say? What am I gonna say?
Copy !req
655. I got to get air.
I got to get air, I got to get air.
Copy !req
656. I got to get some air.
Copy !req
657. I got to get air, I got to get air.
Copy !req
658. This is nice.
Copy !req
659. And pulse back in range.
Copy !req
660. Okay.
Copy !req
661. Thank you.
Copy !req
662. Get out of here.
Copy !req
663. All right.
Copy !req
664. Hey! Nope, nope, move along.
Copy !req
665. Getaway. Move along.
Copy !req
666. Get away from me. Hefeweizen!
Copy !req
667. Get out of here!
Copy !req
668. Get out of here.
Copy !req
669. Get out!
Copy !req
670. My God!
Copy !req
671. Is there someone you can call?
Copy !req
672. Can you help me? Can you call backup?
Copy !req
673. I hurt my neck, I hurt my neck.
Copy !req
674. Okay.
Copy !req
675. Hey, thanks for all your help.
Copy !req
676. There you are.
Copy !req
677. - We're about to announce you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
678. Come on. Maya.
Copy !req
679. Thanks.
Copy !req
680. Cool party. Whose suite is this?
Copy !req
681. The housekeepers are
all good friends of mine.
Copy !req
682. They let me know when the high rollers
check out early, so...
Copy !req
683. - You okay?
- Yeah. Everything's great.
Copy !req
684. I'll be right back.
I got something for you.
Copy !req
685. I think you're gonna like it.
Copy !req
686. Yeah!
Copy !req
687. Very kind, very kind.
Copy !req
688. Ladies and gentlemen,
I know you're here to see Nick Panero
Copy !req
689. deliver the keynote speech.
Copy !req
690. However, due to circumstances
beyond our control,
Copy !req
691. we've had to bring in
a different speaker tonight.
Copy !req
692. Yeah, I know, I'm disappointed, too.
Copy !req
693. So, instead, how about
a nice, warm Expo welcome
Copy !req
694. for Officer Paul Blart.
Copy !req
695. Thank you, Officer Gundermutt.
Copy !req
696. Is it warm in here,
Copy !req
697. or am I ordering my next uniform
from Rochester Big and Humid?
Copy !req
698. I am honored to be here,
Copy !req
699. in the presence of the
greats from the past.
Copy !req
700. Just looking at these faces reminds me
of the questions so many people ask.
Copy !req
701. Why do we do it?
Copy !req
702. Why walk a beat
knowing that on a typical day
Copy !req
703. you'll get zero pats on the back?
Copy !req
704. But you know what you will get?
Copy !req
705. A whole lot of ridicule.
Copy !req
706. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
707. I thought Mini Kiss was playing.
Copy !req
708. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
709. I get it. We're easy targets.
Copy !req
710. People call us heavy, skinny, lumpy.
Copy !req
711. They point out our bad skin.
Copy !req
712. What is it that we all have in common?
Copy !req
713. In the words of Joseph Conrad,
Copy !req
714. who wrote some really long books
about sailing and stuff,
Copy !req
715. "We live as we dream.
Copy !req
716. "Alone."
Copy !req
717. Turns out I am giving the keynote after all,
Copy !req
718. so it'd mean a lot
if you could be there, peanut.
Copy !req
719. You were supposed to tell me
Copy !req
720. - if the schedule got moved.
- Let's calm down.
Copy !req
721. And no one told me anything.
Copy !req
722. I'm sorry. Bye.
Copy !req
723. Get her.
Copy !req
724. And yet, when people ask me,
"Why do you do it?"
Copy !req
725. I have to laugh.
Copy !req
726. 'Cause they think I have a choice.
Copy !req
727. I don't.
Copy !req
728. I, like you, didn't choose security.
Copy !req
729. Security chose me!
Copy !req
730. Every morning, I pull my pants on
one leg at a time,
Copy !req
731. and I slip on my soft-soled shoes,
Copy !req
732. and I hear the same calling you do.
Copy !req
733. "Help someone today."
Copy !req
734. Come on, Dad.
Copy !req
735. "Help someone today."
Copy !req
736. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
Copy !req
737. But if being a security officer was easy,
anybody could do it.
Copy !req
738. Anyone can do it.
Copy !req
739. Takes a certain breed.
Copy !req
740. Someone who has Spidey-senses
when things are going wrong.
Copy !req
741. Sure, you can meet all kinds of people
in this line of work.
Copy !req
742. Your shoplifters, your pickpockets,
Copy !req
743. your freeloaders
Copy !req
744. stealing a nap in
a Brookstone massage chair.
Copy !req
745. - They're the worst.
- Don't get me started.
Copy !req
746. And there's the old lady
who can't find her car in Parking Level F
Copy !req
747. 'cause she doesn't have a car.
Copy !req
748. And there is no Parking Level F.
Copy !req
749. It only goes up to D.
Copy !req
750. And all of a sudden you're asking yourself,
Copy !req
751. "Why do I do it?"
Copy !req
752. Till the little boy, tears in his eyes,
is tugging on your sleeve.
Copy !req
753. He says to you.
Copy !req
754. "Mister, mister, mister.
Copy !req
755. "Can't find my mommy."
Copy !req
756. That's why you do it.
Copy !req
757. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
758. I will close with this.
Copy !req
759. If you believe the purpose of life
is to only serve yourself,
Copy !req
760. then you have no purpose.
Copy !req
761. Help someone today!
Copy !req
762. Jackpot!
- You nailed it! You nailed it!
Copy !req
763. Way to go, Blart!
Copy !req
764. You go, Paul Blart!
Copy !req
765. Maya, look, I know you're mad at me.
Copy !req
766. - Dad!
- But hear me out.
Copy !req
767. - Look, I feel just terrible.
- I need your help!
Copy !req
768. Yeah, and I need your help.
This is what I'm trying to say.
Copy !req
769. Dad!
I saw something in the Presidential Suite
Copy !req
770. I guess I wasn't supposed to see.
Copy !req
771. - And now they're after me.
- Who?
Copy !req
772. I don't know.
Copy !req
773. Angel please don't worry.
I know exactly what you're dealing with.
Copy !req
774. It was just somebody
trying to intimidate you.
Copy !req
775. Trust me, they're all bark and no bite.
Copy !req
776. They're coming for me!
Copy !req
777. Misread it. Okay, sweetheart.
Copy !req
778. Stay on the phone with me. I'm on my way!
Copy !req
779. Maya, use your pepper spray!
Copy !req
780. Maya, Maya, what's happening?
Copy !req
781. Maya?
Copy !req
782. - Maya!
- Thank you.
Copy !req
783. - Who is this?
- This is Officer Paul Blart
Copy !req
784. from the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Who am I speaking with?
Copy !req
785. Don't you worry about that.
Copy !req
786. Well, that's not fair.
I already told you my name.
Copy !req
787. - Now, where's my daughter?
- Your daughter.
Copy !req
788. Wow, you don't know when to
shut your mouth, do you?
Copy !req
789. Listen, I don't think you have a clue
to who you're messing with.
Copy !req
790. Actually, I don't need a clue.
You just told me.
Copy !req
791. And if you decide to go to the real cops,
Copy !req
792. attempt to track this cell phone
or make any attempt to come after me,
Copy !req
793. boy, I am so crazy.
Copy !req
794. I'll put you and your daughter
in a world of pain.
Copy !req
795. Yeah? Well, here's a few things
you don't know about me.
Copy !req
796. First off, pain is my copilot,
so no problem there.
Copy !req
797. And second off...
Copy !req
798. Hello. Hello?
Copy !req
799. Hello? Hello?
Copy !req
800. Strange. Okay, let's go.
Copy !req
801. Get rid of this.
Copy !req
802. Hey, yo, have you guys seen Maya?
Copy !req
803. - Who's Maya?
- I introduced you to her.
Copy !req
804. She was the girl
I was talking to right over there.
Copy !req
805. Dude, he's hammered.
She was on the phone and went that way.
Copy !req
806. - That way?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
807. Enjoy.
Copy !req
808. Maya?
Copy !req
809. Maya?
Copy !req
810. Maya?
Copy !req
811. Looking for someone?
Copy !req
812. Okay, clear this place out.
Copy !req
813. This location's been compromised.
Copy !req
814. Bring those two to the villa.
Copy !req
815. Sugar.
Copy !req
816. Sugar.
Copy !req
817. Daddy, look at the beautiful flowers.
Can I draw on them?
Copy !req
818. Not now, honey. Daddy's on the phone.
Go with Mommy.
Copy !req
819. Must get sugar.
Copy !req
820. Come on, sugar.
Copy !req
821. - Please, sir, please.
- Just let us out.
Copy !req
822. We're not gonna cause any trouble.
We're not gonna say anything.
Copy !req
823. - Please, sir. Please.
- Sir, please let us out!
Copy !req
824. - What the heck is going on?
- I think they're stealing art from the hotel.
Copy !req
825. - From the what?
- From the hotel.
Copy !req
826. - What is that?
- I got this for you.
Copy !req
827. Here. It's either this or sunblock.
Copy !req
828. Maya.
Copy !req
829. Have sweet mercy! Oh, my!
Copy !req
830. I am so sorry, ma'am.
Copy !req
831. Nope, my fault. I startled you.
Copy !req
832. - I just feel terrible.
- No. I deserved it.
Copy !req
833. Can I help you up
or get you some medical attention?
Copy !req
834. Not necessary.
Copy !req
835. This just shifts the focus
away from my arthritis.
Copy !req
836. - You're sure?
- I'm fine.
Copy !req
837. - Are you gonna want turndown service?
- No, thank you!
Copy !req
838. Officer, how can I help you?
Copy !req
839. I need to know who's staying
in your Presidential Suite.
Copy !req
840. Okay, first of all,
you need to slow things down a bit.
Copy !req
841. And, secondly, that's actually
against resort policy. So...
Copy !req
842. I got this, Heath.
Copy !req
843. Sir, I can help you down here.
Copy !req
844. Well, I guess I've been overruled.
Copy !req
845. Now, what can I do for you?
Copy !req
846. I need information on who's staying
in your Presidential Suite. It's urgent.
Copy !req
847. - What's going on?
- I can't divulge that at this moment.
Copy !req
848. It's top secret stuff, okay? Just...
Copy !req
849. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Blart,
Copy !req
850. but, unfortunately, I won't be able
to give you that information,
Copy !req
851. because it is against protocol.
Copy !req
852. See? I told you
I feel no admiration for you,
Copy !req
853. so sorry, there are no special favors.
Copy !req
854. You're breathing in double time.
Copy !req
855. Just tell me who's staying there.
Copy !req
856. I can't say no to you.
Copy !req
857. He's a high roller who books his rooms
through his company.
Copy !req
858. Norbertine Shipping
out of Hamburg, Germany.
Copy !req
859. Shipping. Thank you.
Copy !req
860. You're so ..
Copy !req
861. Come on. No.
Copy !req
862. I think I can short this
and get us out of here.
Copy !req
863. Or maybe we should just do what they say.
Copy !req
864. We've seen what they look like, Lane.
They're not gonna let us go.
Copy !req
865. - Can I help you?
- Hey.
Copy !req
866. Muhrtelle.
Copy !req
867. It's pronounced like "turtle" or “girdle?”
Copy !req
868. No. Muhrtelle. I got it right away.
I'm pretty good.
Copy !req
869. - Why are you back here?
- No, I'm from shipping, so...
Copy !req
870. - I'm from shipping.
- Yeah, I Know
Copy !req
871. I'm from corporate, so...
Copy !req
872. If you could give me a moment,
I'd like to place a telephone call.
Copy !req
873. No, no, no, no. No need, really.
Copy !req
874. Okay, actually, I'm...
Copy !req
875. I'm from Internal Affairs Shipping. Yeah.
Copy !req
876. Corporate sent me here to check up
on you and your coworkers.
Copy !req
877. Random selection.
No need to get too nervous.
Copy !req
878. - Is it okay I eat my lunch?
- Sure, yeah. You might as well.
Copy !req
879. I'm just gonna fire
some questions at you, though,
Copy !req
880. vis-a-vis this particular shipment here.
Copy !req
881. Now, where exactly did...
Copy !req
882. Wow, that is the brownest banana
I've ever seen.
Copy !req
883. That's borderline black. I wouldn't
eat that if I were you. That's...
Copy !req
884. You're eating it. He's eating it.
Copy !req
885. I'm gonna throw up a little bit, I think.
Copy !req
886. I think that's poison.
Copy !req
887. That's sickening.
Copy !req
888. Where did this ship from?
Copy !req
889. I don't know.
Some man brought a bunch of these down
Copy !req
890. from the Presidential Suite.
Copy !req
891. You mind opening it for me?
Copy !req
892. Internal Affairs, so I just...
Copy !req
893. Do you have any identification?
Copy !req
894. Don't you worry about that, Turtle.
Copy !req
895. - I'll ask the questions here.
- Wait.
Copy !req
896. I want to ask a question.
Copy !req
897. What do you think
you're doing with that crate?
Copy !req
898. I was just simply just checking that...
Copy !req
899. - Someone's messing with the shipment!
- Radio.
Copy !req
900. Unacceptable. Kill him.
Copy !req
901. A mall.
Copy !req
902. Home-court advantage.
Copy !req
903. Bingo.
Copy !req
904. Pain!
Copy !req
905. This is it. I'm going down.
Copy !req
906. Took care of some cop.
Copy !req
907. - For good?
- Don't worry about it. He's gone.
Copy !req
908. He sleeps with the fishes Literally.
Copy !req
909. Excellent.
Copy !req
910. Not today, death! Not today!
Copy !req
911. Sir.
Copy !req
912. We ask that guests dry off
before entering the casino'
Copy !req
913. Absolutely. I should have thought of that.
Copy !req
914. Why don't you come with me, sir.
I'll get you a dry towel.
Copy !req
915. That would be great.
Copy !req
916. On second thought, I think
I'd rather air-dry.
Copy !req
917. Because you're not who you say you are...
Copy !req
918. Ramos.
Copy !req
919. Excuse me?
Copy !req
920. The buttons on your
uniform are rivet brass,
Copy !req
921. made by Cintas uniform supply,
Copy !req
922. which stopped using
that particular type of metal,
Copy !req
923. due to humanitarian reasons, 18 years ago.
Copy !req
924. Since there's no way you're a day over 30,
Copy !req
925. and the Security Association
restricts the hiring
Copy !req
926. of anybody under the age of 18,
Copy !req
927. there is no way you are
a security guard here.
Copy !req
928. You're right.
Copy !req
929. Headbutt!
Copy !req
930. That's a very good defense. One more!
Copy !req
931. I'm definitely done. Not this time!
Copy !req
932. - That was the last one. You have my word.
- All right.
Copy !req
933. Hey. What's going on?
Copy !req
934. - Hey. Sorry. Guy's drunk.
- Well, why'd you let him run off?
Copy !req
935. - I'll make sure I get him back to his room.
- You do that.
Copy !req
936. Security's been breached.
Copy !req
937. Of course.
Copy !req
938. Eduardo's in on it.
Copy !req
939. Fool me once, shame on me.
Copy !req
940. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Copy !req
941. No, that's me twice. That doesn't work.
Copy !req
942. Hey!
Copy !req
943. Gosh. Come on.
Copy !req
944. Hey!
Copy !req
945. That's Paul Blart.
Copy !req
946. - I'd love to see you up there.
- I would if I had a good hamstring.
Copy !req
947. - I don't got a good hamstring.
- It's all right.
Copy !req
948. Who is this guy? What's going on?
Copy !req
949. Sorry. Big man on a rope!
Copy !req
950. Sorry.
Copy !req
951. This whole thing's like a pool inside,
like an indoor pool.
Copy !req
952. - It's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.
Copy !req
953. Take a dip! Yeah!
Copy !req
954. Yeah! Sorry. Tuck and roll.
Copy !req
955. This ain't real.
Copy !req
956. Thank you, Paul!
Copy !req
957. What a guy!
Copy !req
958. Come on, man. I know you're in here.
Copy !req
959. Okay.
Copy !req
960. It looks like we've come
to a fork in the road.
Copy !req
961. What?
Copy !req
962. A little too much club.
Copy !req
963. Okay.
Copy !req
964. There you go.
Copy !req
965. Yeah.
Copy !req
966. - Ramos, it's Henk. Where are you?
- Le Réve theater.
Copy !req
967. Some cop may be onto us.
Copy !req
968. Wait. Big guy? Mustache? Snug pants?
Copy !req
969. - Yeah, that's the one.
- I thought he was dead.
Copy !req
970. - This guy's like a cockroach.
- Where are you?
Copy !req
971. We're about to move the Botero.
Copy !req
972. Roger that.
Copy !req
973. Henk, Ramos, Botero.
Copy !req
974. Who are these guys?
Copy !req
975. Come on, Paul, think for Maya. Think!
Copy !req
976. All this for stupid art.
Copy !req
977. Who is Art?
Copy !req
978. Come on, think.
Copy !req
979. Windershins! It's about the art!
Copy !req
980. They're stealing art from the hotel!
Copy !req
981. Ramos, this is Henk.
Copy !req
982. Did you get the new locations yet?
Copy !req
983. Henk, you didn't tell me where you are.
Copy !req
984. We're in the casino. Stop calling me.
Copy !req
985. - Vincent wants you, out.
- Let the games begin.
Copy !req
986. Found our friend.
Copy !req
987. Didn't see it. Didn't see it.
Copy !req
988. That's clean glass. Okay.
Copy !req
989. - So?
- I'm gonna need about 20 minutes, Vincent.
Copy !req
990. Move as fast as you can.
Copy !req
991. No, no, no!
Copy !req
992. Vincent. Vincent, this is Henk.
Copy !req
993. - Where are you?
- Waiting for the van Gogh. Where are you?
Copy !req
994. I'm on my way.
Copy !req
995. I'm coming for you, Maya.
Copy !req
996. Could you press one, please?
Copy !req
997. - Good crowd tonight?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
998. - Did you guys play Beth?
- No.
Copy !req
999. - Great hair.
- Thanks. It's not mine.
Copy !req
1000. - Told you we should play Beth.
- Not now. Frank!
Copy !req
1001. This hotel is solid.
Copy !req
1002. This gift is adorable, but...
Copy !req
1003. The globe lights up with copper wiring.
Copy !req
1004. My father insists that I keep
an extra phone battery on me.
Copy !req
1005. Stand back.
Copy !req
1006. That should do it.
Copy !req
1007. Come on.
Copy !req
1008. The helicopter is fueled and ready.
Copy !req
1009. Perfect. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1010. From the hotel gift basket.
Copy !req
1011. - What is that in your hand?
- Oatmeal cookie.
Copy !req
1012. I'm deathly allergic.
What are you trying to do to me?
Copy !req
1013. - Sorry.
- Get rid of it.
Copy !req
1014. Double back.
Doubling.
Copy !req
1015. We can't get out through there.
Copy !req
1016. - Pocketknife keychain. Just in case.
- In case what?
Copy !req
1017. I get kidnapped by bad guys
and held hostage.
Copy !req
1018. - It's happened before.
What?
Copy !req
1019. Room 3402. Charge it please.
Copy !req
1020. - Hey! Can you help us?
- Absolutely.
Copy !req
1021. Five more minutes, Vincent,
and then we are done.
Copy !req
1022. Secure the painting and
let's get out of here.
Copy !req
1023. We've got less than three hours
to meet our buyer.
Copy !req
1024. Roger that.
Copy !req
1025. All right, Vincent,
since you took something precious from me,
Copy !req
1026. I'm taking something precious from you.
Copy !req
1027. It's a bad day to be bad people.
Copy !req
1028. Paul, mi amor!
Copy !req
1029. No!
Copy !req
1030. - Van Gogh is traveling.
- Excellent.
Copy !req
1031. I want the truck waiting
in Juérez in one hour.
Copy !req
1032. Yeah!
Copy !req
1033. Enjoy the ride.
Copy !req
1034. See you.
Copy !req
1035. Where's that phone?
Copy !req
1036. Come on.
Copy !req
1037. - Please tell me Blart is dead.
- Yeah, if by dead, you mean
Copy !req
1038. taking out your crew one by one,
Copy !req
1039. and being in possession
of one of your prize paintings.
Copy !req
1040. - Which one?
- I'm gonna say...
Copy !req
1041. - I don't know, sunflowers?
- That's a van Gogh, you idiot.
Copy !req
1042. Yeah, you know what? Well, it's van gone
if you don't ramp down the hurtful words.
Copy !req
1043. - What do you want?
- I want to make a deal.
Copy !req
1044. A swap. A trade.
Copy !req
1045. Suggesting we make an exchange.
Copy !req
1046. - You see, I have the painting...
- I got it.
Copy !req
1047. Meet me at the Grand Hall, alone.
Copy !req
1048. Time to even the playing field.
Copy !req
1049. Come on, man.
Copy !req
1050. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1051. You know what?
Copy !req
1052. I made my decision.
Copy !req
1053. If we live, I'm not going to UCLA.
Copy !req
1054. - Are you sure?
- Yes!
Copy !req
1055. I can't abandon him.
Copy !req
1056. He's never been alone.
Copy !req
1057. We've always lived with my grandma.
Copy !req
1058. Until a milk truck took
her to a better place.
Copy !req
1059. And then there was
those six days of marriage.
Copy !req
1060. I mean, he still sleeps with a night light.
Copy !req
1061. Really?
Copy !req
1062. - Is that bad?
- No.
Copy !req
1063. No, a lot of people are like that.
Copy !req
1064. Yeah, a lot of six-year-olds.
Copy !req
1065. You, come with me.
Copy !req
1066. Have Robinson take him to the helipad.
Copy !req
1067. - Let's go.
Maya.
Copy !req
1068. Let's go!
Copy !req
1069. - That's far enough.
- Maya, you okay?
Copy !req
1070. I'm okay.
Copy !req
1071. Well done, Blart.
Copy !req
1072. You thinned my manpower significantly.
Copy !req
1073. Must be getting pretty...
Copy !req
1074. Lonely out there.
Copy !req
1075. You scared?
Copy !req
1076. Not following you.
Copy !req
1077. Your fear of being alone.
Copy !req
1078. - First your wife dumps you at the altar.
- Wrong.
Copy !req
1079. - She was with me six days.
- Great.
Copy !req
1080. So she got to sample the merchandise
Copy !req
1081. and was glad she kept her receipt.
Copy !req
1082. And then your mom
kisses a bus.
Copy !req
1083. It was a milk truck,
but I'll give you that one.
Copy !req
1084. And now your daughter can't wait
to get away from you.
Copy !req
1085. That's not true, Dad.
Copy !req
1086. Well, she's following her destiny,
and I support it fully.
Copy !req
1087. Flag on the play, sloppy.
Copy !req
1088. She says you can't be alone
Copy !req
1089. and that you're doing everything
in your pathetic power
Copy !req
1090. to keep her under your thumb.
Copy !req
1091. - I didn't say that exactly, Dad.
- It's okay, sweetheart.
Copy !req
1092. See, Vincent, I'm fiercely independent,
Copy !req
1093. yet I'm not a big fan of being alone.
Copy !req
1094. I'm a contradiction.
Copy !req
1095. I told you I was crazy.
Copy !req
1096. And I told you that I'm crazy.
Copy !req
1097. You can't out-crazy me.
Copy !req
1098. My crazy will take your crazy,
shove it in a metal tube,
Copy !req
1099. fill it with rats, then blowtorch it
Copy !req
1100. until the rats have no way to escape
except eating their way through your crazy.
Copy !req
1101. Wow. You are oblivious
to the avalanche of insanity
Copy !req
1102. I am about to unload.
Copy !req
1103. You don't know what I will do to you!
Copy !req
1104. You don't know what I'll do to you!
Copy !req
1105. I will spin around until I throw up on you
and your friends.
Copy !req
1106. I simply don't care!
Copy !req
1107. I'll stick your face in maple syrup
and make you sing gospel!
Copy !req
1108. How does that blow your hair back, Blart?
Copy !req
1109. I will crawl inside you
and lay eggs like a baby spider!
Copy !req
1110. I welcome it!
Copy !req
1111. I've got two different colored eyes!
Copy !req
1112. Shows you how I live my fife!
Copy !req
1113. I will bring a folk guitar to a pumpkin fight,
Copy !req
1114. because that's the way I was brought up!
Copy !req
1115. Okay, you lost me on that last one.
Copy !req
1116. Because that's how crazy I am!
Copy !req
1117. Now, give me back my daughter!
Copy !req
1118. Give me my painting!
Copy !req
1119. Pick it up. Pick it up before he ruins it.
Copy !req
1120. Get back!
Copy !req
1121. Did you honestly think
that I was gonna be thwarted
Copy !req
1122. by some sweaty,
sluggish non-entity like yourself?
Copy !req
1123. "Non-entity."
Copy !req
1124. See, I knew you couldn't be trusted,
so I took out an insurance policy.
Copy !req
1125. Allow me to introduce you
to a few of my associates.
Copy !req
1126. Gino Chizetti,
Copy !req
1127. Staten Island Industrial Complex.
Copy !req
1128. Saul Gundermutt,
Copy !req
1129. Philadelphia Farmers' Market.
Copy !req
1130. Khan Mubi,
Copy !req
1131. King's Landing Walmart.
Copy !req
1132. And last but not least,
Copy !req
1133. Donna Ericone, Mall of freaking America.
Copy !req
1134. You got to... You got to fan out, guys.
Copy !req
1135. He can't see you.
Copy !req
1136. Fan it out, fan it out.
Copy !req
1137. You have your own superhero.
Copy !req
1138. What's with the cape?
Copy !req
1139. Why are you wearing a cape, Khan?
Copy !req
1140. I came straight from a haircut.
Copy !req
1141. Vincent, you just don't get it, do you?
Copy !req
1142. Fool me once, shame on you.
Copy !req
1143. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Copy !req
1144. Are you sure about that?
Copy !req
1145. You see, I have a little
insurance policy of my own.
Copy !req
1146. See, I thought I took all of you out, what...
Copy !req
1147. Non-lethal. I get it now.
Copy !req
1148. Shame on you.
Copy !req
1149. We are trained to detect, deter,
observe, and report.
Copy !req
1150. But one day, six years ago,
a man did more than that.
Copy !req
1151. And I am that man!
Copy !req
1152. We are that man!
Copy !req
1153. And so I say to you, sir...
Copy !req
1154. Foot Locker!
Copy !req
1155. Give me the gun. Finish them. Go!
Copy !req
1156. There's a lip on that carpet.
Copy !req
1157. Someone's gonna have to call that in,
get that changed, okay?
Copy !req
1158. Foot Locker!
Copy !req
1159. Dad!
Copy !req
1160. I'm going to the helipad!
Copy !req
1161. Saul! Help me! Help me!
Copy !req
1162. Get back here.
Copy !req
1163. What? What?
Copy !req
1164. - Oh, no - You couldn't stay
out of the way, could you?
Copy !req
1165. Eduardo. I knew you were part of this.
Copy !req
1166. How is it a man like you
could win the heart
Copy !req
1167. of a woman like Divina?
Copy !req
1168. What are you taking about?
My daughter's been kidnapped!
Copy !req
1169. - Come on, man!
- Look!
Copy !req
1170. We'll never get to them on time.
Copy !req
1171. Hey, Blart.
I heard you need a little backup.
Copy !req
1172. Fun fact for you,
there's no helipad up here.
Copy !req
1173. But there is over there.
Copy !req
1174. Got it.
Copy !req
1175. We don't have much time.
Copy !req
1176. - Thanks, Nick.
- No hard feelings.
Copy !req
1177. Hold on, Paul!
Copy !req
1178. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
1179. Do not look down!
Copy !req
1180. Don't look up, either!
Copy !req
1181. Knot jump!
Copy !req
1182. Coming in hot!
Copy !req
1183. Dad. Come on.
Copy !req
1184. Hey!
Copy !req
1185. You finish loading. I'll finish this.
Copy !req
1186. Up you go, missy.
Copy !req
1187. All right, guys. Who took my show hair?
Copy !req
1188. I think Maya's just seen her future.
Copy !req
1189. Nice punch.
Copy !req
1190. Now, don't move.
Copy !req
1191. You don't move.
Copy !req
1192. Looks like we got ourselves
a sticky situation.
Copy !req
1193. That doesn't sound like something
that can be fixed here.
Copy !req
1194. - You done?
- I am.
Copy !req
1195. Great. So am I.
Copy !req
1196. Oatmeal!
Copy !req
1197. Always bet on Blart.
Copy !req
1198. Dad!
Copy !req
1199. So Paul Blart hadn't
officially peaked after all.
Copy !req
1200. Eduardo and I got past our differences.
Copy !req
1201. I told him that if he ever wanted to go
where the real action was,
Copy !req
1202. there would always be a job for him
at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Copy !req
1203. Officer Blart.
Copy !req
1204. He turned me down immediately.
Copy !req
1205. But I did get to meet the man himself...
Copy !req
1206. Mr Wynn.
Copy !req
1207. who was appreciative
that I saved his art collection.
Copy !req
1208. Very appreciative.
Copy !req
1209. Holy crawfish!
Copy !req
1210. With all things going my way,
I figured it was time to make a decision
Copy !req
1211. that would change my life forever.
Copy !req
1212. Paul?
Copy !req
1213. You...
Copy !req
1214. - Look at me now.
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
1215. You are a fearless man,
Copy !req
1216. a loving father, a strange,
Copy !req
1217. misshapen superhero.
Copy !req
1218. - Thank you.
- And my heart is yours.
Copy !req
1219. Okay, Divina, listen very intently.
Copy !req
1220. Some people think that holding on
is what makes one strong.
Copy !req
1221. But in reality,
Copy !req
1222. our only power is in letting go.
Copy !req
1223. But I love...
Copy !req
1224. That's just it.
Copy !req
1225. See, it's easy to fall in love,
but hard to find someone to catch you.
Copy !req
1226. Besides,
Copy !req
1227. you don't love me.
Copy !req
1228. - But I...
- What you love is the mystery.
Copy !req
1229. That's all I am to you.
Copy !req
1230. You know, I'm a lone cowboy.
Copy !req
1231. A renegade.
Copy !req
1232. A Rocky Mountain steed.
Copy !req
1233. But truth be told, Divina,
I'm none of those things.
Copy !req
1234. I'm a simple man.
Copy !req
1235. Now, the qualities you seek, they're in him.
Copy !req
1236. That man, sitting right over there. That man,
Copy !req
1237. just longing to catch...
He's crying right now, isn't he?
Copy !req
1238. Yep, he's crying.
Copy !req
1239. That's a full-on cry.
Copy !req
1240. But he's the real deal, Divina.
Copy !req
1241. He swung in on a rope
like a knight in shining armor,
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1242. and he rescued my daughter and me,
and he loves you.
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1243. Now, go to him.
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1244. Go.
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1245. You're right.
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1246. But don't kid yourself, Paw Blart.
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1247. You are a Rocky Mountain steed.
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1248. That actually felt really good.
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1249. I might have made a colossal mistake.
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1250. Colossal.
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1251. Ladies and gentlemen,
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1252. to commemorate his long career
of undying loyalty,
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1253. honor, and acts of heroism,
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1254. above and beyond the call of duty,
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1255. twice,
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1256. the Security Officers Trade Association
is proud to bestow on Officer Paul Blart
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1257. its highest
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1258. and, really, only award,
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1259. the Safety Medal of Honor.
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1260. The road of life is hard.
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1261. But once you reach [he top,
the view is amazing.
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1262. Look, I've given it a lot of thought.
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1263. And I'm gonna be really happy
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1264. at Central Jersey Applied
Technical Junior College.
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1265. - Really?
- Yeah.
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1266. So they don't have a football team
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1267. or a campus.
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1268. I mean, who cares?
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1269. The last couple of days
really reracked my priorities.
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1270. Well, if you want to stay home
with me and keep me company,
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1271. maybe for a year or two until I get settled,
then I have to say,
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1272. I think you're crazy.
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1273. You're going to UCLA.
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1274. And, besides...
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1275. Holy crawfish!
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1276. That's exactly what I said. I said that.
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1277. Now, go. Have fun.
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1278. Not too much fun.
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1279. All right.
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1280. But as for this renegade,
some of us are meant to ride alone.
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1281. All by my...
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1282. What do we have here?
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1283. - Hey!
- Sorry.
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1284. You know what you just did?
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1285. You jaywalked in a business district, sir.
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1286. Actually, it's "officer."
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1287. I apologize.
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1288. I should've recognized the steely-eyed gaze
of a fellow brother-in-arms.
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1289. You're still giving me a ticket?
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1290. Nope.
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1291. I'm gonna give you my phone number.
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1292. In case you want to grab a drink sometime.
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1293. I don't drink.
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1294. But I do ride!
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1295. - Are you okay?
- Nope.
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1296. But I've never been better.
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