1. Thank you.Copy !req
2. Thank you.Copy !req
3. Thank you.Copy !req
4. Thank you.Copy !req
5. Thank you.Copy !req
6. I'm thanking one in particular,Copy !req
7. Pair of titties in the front row.Copy !req
8. Thank you so much.Copy !req
9. Thank you, audience coordinator,Copy !req
10. for putting those titties
up in the front row.Copy !req
11. God bless you.Copy !req
12. Those are distracting me.Copy !req
13. I was s'posed to come out,
"Oh, hey, hello."Copy !req
14. Henh. Meh.Copy !req
15. Meh, meh.Copy !req
16. Meh, yeah.Copy !req
17. Oh, y'all here?Copy !req
18. Yeh, huh, meh.Copy !req
19. You look lovely, though,
by the way.Copy !req
20. Yes, you do.Copy !req
21. Congratulations, my friend.
I'm glad y'all here.Copy !req
22. It's very good.Copy !req
23. Yo, congratulations
to you, my friend.Copy !req
24. Look at that white woman
you're with.Copy !req
25. God damn!Copy !req
26. That nigga behind you
going, "Yeah, son,Copy !req
27. I'm wit' my girl,
but yo, for real?"Copy !req
28. That white woman's amazing,
isn't she?Copy !req
29. Tell the truth!Copy !req
30. He's wit' his black girlfriend,Copy !req
31. Like, "Naw, I don't...
I don't know."Copy !req
32. But that, she's high level.Copy !req
33. That's a high level
white woman right there.Copy !req
34. That white woman is...Copy !req
35. That is...
Man, oh, man, oh, man!Copy !req
36. Black woman get mad at that.Copy !req
37. But that is top shelfCopy !req
38. white woman right there.Copy !req
39. You know how you can tellCopy !req
40. how pretty a white woman is?Copy !req
41. The value?Copy !req
42. You look at her,Copy !req
43. and then you wonder how long
they would look for herCopy !req
44. if she was missing.Copy !req
45. Come on, take a look.
Take a look.Copy !req
46. Look at this nigga lookin'.
Look, look, look, look!Copy !req
47. Oo-ooooo.Copy !req
48. I saw you look mad, sweetie.Copy !req
49. How long, if you was missin',Copy !req
50. how long you think they would...Copy !req
51. How long you think... Exac...Copy !req
52. She don't even... She went...Copy !req
53. You know the deal.Copy !req
54. I ain't saying nothin' wrong.Copy !req
55. White woman's life is valuable.Copy !req
56. What's his name,
Joran Van der Sloot?Copy !req
57. Right?Copy !req
58. We found out he was
a serial kill...Copy !req
59. Man, he kills women.
That's what he do.Copy !req
60. He do it well,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
61. We know the girl that he...Copy !req
62. That he, you know,
supposedly had, uh...Copy !req
63. What's the girl in Aruba?Copy !req
64. Natalee Holloway.Copy !req
65. Right?Copy !req
66. But the one...
He just killed a girl in Peru.Copy !req
67. What's her name? Um...Copy !req
68. Exactly.Copy !req
69. Look how fast you said Natalee.Copy !req
70. You said Natalee!Copy !req
71. Y'all said that
like Family Feud.Copy !req
72. A'ight, name a white girl
been missingCopy !req
73. for five years in Aruba.Copy !req
74. Ff... Natalee Holloway!Copy !req
75. Survey says...Copy !req
76. Name a Peruvian girl
that was killed yesterday.Copy !req
77. What is that big-head,Copy !req
78. third world
Peruvian bitch's name?Copy !req
79. Has to be Yorris
or something goofy.Copy !req
80. Don't get mad at yourself.Copy !req
81. I gave it to you.Copy !req
82. You saw how fast
she said Natalee Holloway.Copy !req
83. Diana Ross right here
said Nat...Copy !req
84. She knew her name!Copy !req
85. Ha!Copy !req
86. "That white girlCopy !req
87. was Natalee Holloway!"Copy !req
88. Man, you caught yourself a Whoo!Copy !req
89. God bless you, man.Copy !req
90. That is high level, right there.Copy !req
91. Don't be ashamed
of it, gorgeous.Copy !req
92. She mad as hell.Copy !req
93. "Fuck that white bitch.Copy !req
94. Nuh, nuh, nuh."
You know... come on.Copy !req
95. Come on.Copy !req
96. Ain't nobody lookin' for you.Copy !req
97. I might look for ya.Copy !req
98. But the news ain't. You...Copy !req
99. You think Fox
is reporting you missing?Copy !req
100. Let's be honest.Copy !req
101. Nancy Grace?Copy !req
102. She lead story on Nancy GraceCopy !req
103. for the next six months.Copy !req
104. Look at 'er.
Look, look, look, look.Copy !req
105. I'm lookin' at her
'cause she mad as hell.Copy !req
106. Black woman don't like
that shit.Copy !req
107. But it is what it is.
Let's be...Copy !req
108. Ain't gotta be like that.Copy !req
109. Let's just be honest...Copy !req
110. That little girl
that went missing, um...Copy !req
111. She was sailing?Copy !req
112. Little girl that went sailing,
oh, forgot her damn name.Copy !req
113. But she went sailing
and went missin'Copy !req
114. In the Indian Ocean, okay?Copy !req
115. And they spent...Copy !req
116. Good lord.Copy !req
117. Her mast broke,
and she was floatin' around.Copy !req
118. And she gave out
her little signal,Copy !req
119. her beacon.Copy !req
120. They looked for her...
They spent $500,000,Copy !req
121. like, tax money,
to search for her.Copy !req
122. Now, if that's my daughter,Copy !req
123. I want that to happen too.Copy !req
124. But... but...Copy !req
125. If you go sailing...Copy !req
126. Let's be honest, how
long you think...Copy !req
127. Are they gonna spend
five... C'mon.Copy !req
128. Remember...Copy !req
129. Hey, remember
football players in MiamiCopy !req
130. went missing?Copy !req
131. They went sailing.Copy !req
132. They looked for them
for eight minutes.Copy !req
133. Maybe.Copy !req
134. They just sent somebody
at the edge of the beach.Copy !req
135. "I don't...Copy !req
136. I don't see 'em."Copy !req
137. "We have to call off the searchCopy !req
138. cause there's too much sun."Copy !req
139. "Uh, this sun,Copy !req
140. the conditions
are abnormally...Copy !req
141. Difficult."Copy !req
142. If I go sailing,
I'm taking a white babyCopy !req
143. on a keychain with me.Copy !req
144. Ha, ha!Copy !req
145. If my boat go down,Copy !req
146. they gon' find me.Copy !req
147. I'ma have it hooked
right to the sideCopy !req
148. of my belt.Copy !req
149. And I'ma dress the baby
real white too.Copy !req
150. I'ma, uh, put sweatpants on itCopy !req
151. and a pair of Ugg boots,Copy !req
152. And I'ma... take a picture.Copy !req
153. Look at this white baby.Copy !req
154. You don't come get me,
this white babyCopy !req
155. goin' down with me.Copy !req
156. I hate how much funCopy !req
157. black people can have
racially, man.Copy !req
158. It's just...Copy !req
159. I can say anything
I goddamn want, racially.Copy !req
160. And white people
have to sit there and take it.Copy !req
161. "Yeah, oh, I am evil, yes."Copy !req
162. See, it's like, come on, man.Copy !req
163. I-I don't even say it
'cause of that.Copy !req
164. I, like... I-I-I love...Copy !req
165. I love a little racial...Copy !req
166. Look, man, you know.Copy !req
167. Let's be fair.Copy !req
168. I mean...Copy !req
169. Honesty'd be nicer
with the racial game.Copy !req
170. I mean, it... it... it...Copy !req
171. I like to st... ho...
You know, white peopleCopy !req
172. about being honest
about, uh, Obama.Copy !req
173. You gave it a shot.Copy !req
174. You did.Copy !req
175. You gave it a two-year shot.Copy !req
176. Like, "Oh, yeah, I tried.
I tried to...Copy !req
177. We tried to..."Copy !req
178. But you... It's not...Copy !req
179. It's not... it's just f...
It fell apart.Copy !req
180. It really... It really did.Copy !req
181. And I'ma tell you something
you don't knowCopy !req
182. about black folks.Copy !req
183. We would be on your side,Copy !req
184. uh, you know,
talkin' to white people.Copy !req
185. We would be on your side
a lot moreCopy !req
186. if you would, uh, you know,Copy !req
187. just not ever talk
about how you feelCopy !req
188. about anything racial.Copy !req
189. We'll catch up to you.Copy !req
190. Now, serious.Copy !req
191. 'Cause black people on the edgeCopy !req
192. of going, "What the fuck
is Obama doing?"Copy !req
193. But it's too many white peopleCopy !req
194. outwardly hating him,
so we can't.Copy !req
195. We go, "If you shut the fuck...Copy !req
196. If you shut up,
I'll be your gangsta."Copy !req
197. I'm like, "Stop...
Stop having ralliesCopy !req
198. and all kinds of stuff."Copy !req
199. I'm telling you,
I'm this close to...Copy !req
200. I'm mad at him
'cause I thought I would haveCopy !req
201. a white slave by now.Copy !req
202. I thought...Copy !req
203. I thought it was vengeance day.Copy !req
204. Thought I'd have me
a white family.Copy !req
205. Big ol' fat white girl
gon' warm my bed up.Copy !req
206. "Get upstairs, Susan.Copy !req
207. Warm my bed up.Copy !req
208. Feed my baby
wit' your giant white titties.Copy !req
209. And I'm gonna go outsideCopy !req
210. and stare your husband
in the faceCopy !req
211. and decide whether I'm gonna
sell him or not."Copy !req
212. "Now, you know
your wife's upstairs,Copy !req
213. warmin' up my bed.Copy !req
214. You know that, right?Copy !req
215. Ph... Ph... Phillip."Copy !req
216. That's uncomfortable, isn't it?Copy !req
217. That's uncom...
That's uncomfortable.Copy !req
218. I apologize.Copy !req
219. "Can't we move on?"Copy !req
220. We'll move on.
We'll move on to somethin'.Copy !req
221. They don't even like that
in play.Copy !req
222. That's uncomfortable, right?Copy !req
223. To think about that?Copy !req
224. But you know.Copy !req
225. What you gonna do?Copy !req
226. I like havin'... Look, day...Copy !req
227. My days are numbered.Copy !req
228. So I just wanna have
as much fun as possible,Copy !req
229. I'm... I'm 40, and, uh,Copy !req
230. And that's... that's...Copy !req
231. That's young
in everyone else years.Copy !req
232. But, uh, in black years...Copy !req
233. I got, you know,
high blood pressure.Copy !req
234. Diabetes.Copy !req
235. I am, uh...Copy !req
236. If you do the black-to-white
life ratio,Copy !req
237. I'm a hundred...Copy !req
238. And seventy-seven year old.Copy !req
239. I'm old as a motherfu...Copy !req
240. I'm old.Copy !req
241. And I wanna live,Copy !req
242. but here's where I messed up.Copy !req
243. I messed up my young years.Copy !req
244. And I realized something.Copy !req
245. I'ma tell you,
if you're over 40,Copy !req
246. and you're trying
to better yourself,Copy !req
247. just... just sto...Copy !req
248. I... it's just...Copy !req
249. You're not gonna
better yourself.Copy !req
250. And when I say you're
not gonna better yourself,Copy !req
251. I mean better yourself
like go back to when...Copy !req
252. You try to capture
the things you used to doCopy !req
253. when you supposed to had did it,Copy !req
254. but you didn't do it.Copy !req
255. You feel me?Copy !req
256. So the stuff that you were 18Copy !req
257. and didn't do,Copy !req
258. Now you're 40, and you're going,Copy !req
259. "I'm gonna make a change..."Copy !req
260. It nothin' make me sick
more than somebody 40Copy !req
261. and say they in school.Copy !req
262. Like, "What you doing?"Copy !req
263. "I'm... I'm going to school,
blah, blah, blah."Copy !req
264. "You're never too young to...Copy !req
265. Never too old,
and never too bl-bl-bl."Copy !req
266. Whole bunch of sayings.Copy !req
267. Shut the fu... The fuck upCopy !req
268. wit' your old horse shit.Copy !req
269. 'cause it ain't...Copy !req
270. You're old.Copy !req
271. Your brain don't work.Copy !req
272. Your body don't work.Copy !req
273. You can't change your ethic.Copy !req
274. There might be two of youCopy !req
275. that changed your ethic.Copy !req
276. Like these fat people shows
that are on tv.Copy !req
277. Where they got people,
"Uugggh."Copy !req
278. Soon as that show is over,Copy !req
279. They're fat again.Copy !req
280. Big fat fats.Copy !req
281. Fatty, that's what you are.Copy !req
282. I went to exercise recently,Copy !req
283. and I tried to change my lifeCopy !req
284. and exercise.Copy !req
285. After I finished,
I was saying to myself,Copy !req
286. "I gotta do this tomorrow?"Copy !req
287. Like, nothing changed.Copy !req
288. I still got s... A lump.Copy !req
289. I don't care what it was.Copy !req
290. Something shoulda changed.Copy !req
291. Nothing.Copy !req
292. And I gotta keep doing thisCopy !req
293. until maybe I see a change.Copy !req
294. I just can't.Copy !req
295. I don't have that ethic anymore.Copy !req
296. I shoulda did it
when I was 18 years old.Copy !req
297. Like, I can't type.Copy !req
298. But I didn't realize
how important typing wasCopy !req
299. 'til right now.Copy !req
300. I fucked up
all my good typing yearsCopy !req
301. calling people gayCopy !req
302. who was going to typing class.Copy !req
303. It was, like,Copy !req
304. me and six other dudes, like,Copy !req
305. "what you doing, typ...Copy !req
306. "You wanna be a secretary?
What the...?Copy !req
307. "what kinda pussy...?Copy !req
308. "Man, c'mon man,Copy !req
309. Let's go, uh, steal bread."Copy !req
310. We used to go steal bread
and lunchmeatCopy !req
311. from the supermarketCopy !req
312. and make sandwiches and sell 'emCopy !req
313. during typing class.Copy !req
314. And now I can't type.Copy !req
315. If you can't type,Copy !req
316. and you try to be in a worldCopy !req
317. with people who can,Copy !req
318. You... you...
You feel irrelevant.Copy !req
319. You stop, you know?Copy !req
320. You say hello to some woman
on the internet.Copy !req
321. "Hi."Copy !req
322. And she come back
with the seven-page memo.Copy !req
323. Like, "Hello," whap!Copy !req
324. You be like, really? For real?Copy !req
325. All those words?Copy !req
326. You saw me type, "Hello."Copy !req
327. And I yelled it, evidently.Copy !req
328. I... in big letters,
it was saying hello.Copy !req
329. Really, seriously,
you think I said,Copy !req
330. "Hello! Hiiii, bitch!Copy !req
331. Hiiiii!"Copy !req
332. Is that what you think
I did, for real?Copy !req
333. Yeah, really?Copy !req
334. You just send smiley faces.Copy !req
335. That's all I do.Copy !req
336. I know smiley emoticons.Copy !req
337. I know. I love those.Copy !req
338. Like, I can't spell...Copy !req
339. If I had to spell restaurant,Copy !req
340. to this day, right,Copy !req
341. to save my mama's
life, like, if...Copy !req
342. Like if somebody held
my mama hostageCopy !req
343. and had a gun
to her head, right,Copy !req
344. and says,
"Nigga, spell restaurant.Copy !req
345. "Man, I will...Copy !req
346. I'ma shoot your mother
in the head."Copy !req
347. I'd be like...Copy !req
348. I would look at my mother like,Copy !req
349. "Uh, I love you.Copy !req
350. You better look at me, ma."Copy !req
351. She's crying, "Wahhh."Copy !req
352. "Understand that I...Copy !req
353. I love you with all my heart."Copy !req
354. "Stop stallin', nigga!"Copy !req
355. "Okay, all right, all right.Copy !req
356. "All right!"Copy !req
357. All right, all right,
all right, all right.Copy !req
358. R-e-s-t...Copy !req
359. Oh, my god.
Here's where it gets...Copy !req
360. Oh, Jesus christ.Copy !req
361. Uh...Copy !req
362. There's a ooh...
It's a ooh... uh...Copy !req
363. Rest-ooh.Copy !req
364. Stoooooh-rant.Copy !req
365. Rah-went.Copy !req
366. R-rrrruant.Copy !req
367. Is the... it's an a
or a u, or a u...Copy !req
368. "A'ight, gimme another...Copy !req
369. Gimme another word, man.Copy !req
370. Gimme another word.
One more word.Copy !req
371. Just give my mother
a chance to live."Copy !req
372. "Tomorrow?Copy !req
373. Shit, shit, shit."Copy !req
374. "Probably? God da...Copy !req
375. Banana? A'ight, banana, banana.Copy !req
376. B-a-n...Copy !req
377. B-a-n-n...Copy !req
378. A-n-n-n...Copy !req
379. Is it... ain't there, like,Copy !req
380. seven n's in "banana"?Copy !req
381. B-a-n-n-a-n-n...Copy !req
382. A-n-n...Copy !req
383. A-a-n-a? N-a?"Copy !req
384. I'm, uh, irrelevant.Copy !req
385. How old are you, bro?Copy !req
386. - 35.
- 35, five years.Copy !req
387. Eh. How you feeling?Copy !req
388. You feeling...Copy !req
389. You feeling a'ight?Copy !req
390. You feel like these young guysCopy !req
391. of, you know...
you a football fan?Copy !req
392. All your... your whole life?Copy !req
393. You notice how football's
whack now?Copy !req
394. Things are changing.
It seems like...Copy !req
395. Look, this... this may be
old thinking, okay?Copy !req
396. Now, when I came up...Copy !req
397. You a football fan?Copy !req
398. No?Copy !req
399. That's a... like...Copy !req
400. He's not.
Like, what dude, like...Copy !req
401. That shocked me.Copy !req
402. Like, dudes are football fans.Copy !req
403. "Oh, I don't.Copy !req
404. It's a little too violent."Copy !req
405. Like... Like...Copy !req
406. Football...Copy !req
407. It's not like the game it...Copy !req
408. When I came up, dude,Copy !req
409. football was a gla...
it was gladiators.Copy !req
410. It was angry. It was angry.Copy !req
411. It was just...Copy !req
412. Like, when we hit somebody,
when I played,Copy !req
413. If you hit somebodyCopy !req
414. and he didn't get up,Copy !req
415. Like, we didn't hold hands
with the...Copy !req
416. With the other team and pray.Copy !req
417. Like, hold hands and all...Copy !req
418. Everyone prays for him
to get up.Copy !req
419. We used to do a Indian, like,Copy !req
420. sell a hump dance circle
around him, like,Copy !req
421. "Man, look at you. Uhn, uhn."Copy !req
422. I be like...Copy !req
423. And our crowd's like,Copy !req
424. That's right. Ho, ho, ho!Copy !req
425. We be lookin'
for his mother crying,Copy !req
426. be like, "That's right, lady.Copy !req
427. That's what you get
for lettin' him out hereCopy !req
428. with killers."Copy !req
429. "He can't even wiggle his toes.Copy !req
430. Take his socks.Copy !req
431. Take his socks."Copy !req
432. And we would tie his socks
around our helmetCopy !req
433. for the next week's...
like, the next team.Copy !req
434. They knew,
"Awww, that's the teamCopy !req
435. that be tyin'
paralyzed niggas' socksCopy !req
436. around they helmets
to scare 'em next week."Copy !req
437. And then... it ain't like...Copy !req
438. We were thinking
about harming somebo...Copy !req
439. It's just, that's what we did.Copy !req
440. Right?Copy !req
441. Oh, look at this guy, just...Copy !req
442. Look at this fuckin' crew
right here.Copy !req
443. You guys are hilarious.Copy !req
444. You okay, guy? You all right?Copy !req
445. You late for some test
you're gonna haveCopy !req
446. at 1:00 in the morning?Copy !req
447. Huh, intelligence face?Copy !req
448. Are you a big football fan?Copy !req
449. You like football? Yeah.Copy !req
450. You are? Sorta?Copy !req
451. I don't think so.Copy !req
452. I think you saw me
tease this guy.Copy !req
453. I'm just tryin' to get us
to understand, man,Copy !req
454. that you the future, okay?Copy !req
455. I'm done.Copy !req
456. But they're takin' away...Copy !req
457. I'm a neanderthal, okay?Copy !req
458. They're taking awayCopy !req
459. what I used to just
automatically think and feel,Copy !req
460. and now they're just
taking it away from you,Copy !req
461. so now even you look
at dudes like me,Copy !req
462. like, older dudes,
and go, "Oh, you're..."Copy !req
463. It's like self-policing.Copy !req
464. Men go, "Oh, that's not...
you shouldn't...Copy !req
465. Sss."Copy !req
466. Like, "inappropriate"
is a vaginal word.Copy !req
467. Like, that's not a word...Copy !req
468. "That is inappropriate."Copy !req
469. Like, is that coming
from a man?Copy !req
470. Like, women say that.Copy !req
471. That's women's job, is to say,Copy !req
472. "That's just... that's..."Copy !req
473. Like, that's...Copy !req
474. Men are supposed to do...Copy !req
475. We're here to do foul thingsCopy !req
476. and have you go, "Ohhh!"Copy !req
477. But now what's...
where's the balance?Copy !req
478. See, it's... it's...
It's ying and yang.Copy !req
479. The balance, it...Copy !req
480. You... you gotta liven up.Copy !req
481. You gotta be a little more...Copy !req
482. Is that your woman right there?Copy !req
483. See, see guys?
See how comfortable you are?Copy !req
484. You shouldn't be
as comfortable as you are.Copy !req
485. You just... you can see him
sittin' up,Copy !req
486. Unnngh, straight.Copy !req
487. And you're just lookin'...
he's just like...Copy !req
488. "Huh-huh, hoo-hoo,
whatever you laugh at,Copy !req
489. I'll laugh at."Copy !req
490. It's not a good thing, brother.Copy !req
491. I feel it.
Don't get mad at me now.Copy !req
492. He's like, "Fuck you,
fat f... boy."Copy !req
493. "Can't type or read,
huh, fat man?"Copy !req
494. I'm just sayin', man.Copy !req
495. I don't know how to type,Copy !req
496. but I do know
what I'm telling you.Copy !req
497. I'm just... just... it's, uh...Copy !req
498. Like, ladies, let's discuss.Copy !req
499. I mean, look.Copy !req
500. Let's discuss harassment.Copy !req
501. For a second.Copy !req
502. You feel it a little bit?Copy !req
503. Like, let's just discuss it.Copy !req
504. Why can't...Copy !req
505. I harass you?Copy !req
506. Sometimes.Copy !req
507. Sometimmmmes.Copy !req
508. I can never harass you?Copy !req
509. Never?Copy !req
510. And I'm not talkin' about...Copy !req
511. Arrrgh! Arrrgh!Copy !req
512. Ooga-booga!Copy !req
513. Like, I'm talkin' just...Copy !req
514. At the job.Copy !req
515. It's unfair
that I can't harass youCopy !req
516. at the workplace. Like...Copy !req
517. You lookin' how you lookin',Copy !req
518. and I can't just...
a little somethin'Copy !req
519. that has to do...Copy !req
520. Like, you gotta be careful
just to say,Copy !req
521. "Hey, you look
beautiful today."Copy !req
522. That's how messed up
the game is.Copy !req
523. I think you should be able
to commentCopy !req
524. on any part of the bodyCopy !req
525. that you see. If you...Copy !req
526. I'm serious.Copy !req
527. What's your name?Copy !req
528. Jeannie.
Now, jeannie, no disrespect.Copy !req
529. But if I work with you,Copy !req
530. I should be able
to walk in and go,Copy !req
531. "Oh, jeannie, beautiful, uh,Copy !req
532. titty meat you have there."Copy !req
533. And...Copy !req
534. 'Cause I see that.Copy !req
535. But, whatever
the scientific term is...Copy !req
536. I'm looking at Mr. F...Copy !req
537. Hey, 4.9 grade point average,
what's the...Copy !req
538. What's the science termCopy !req
539. for, uh, t... the titty meat.Copy !req
540. What's the actual...Copy !req
541. And it's not the cleavage.Copy !req
542. I mean, the cleavage is
the space in the middle.Copy !req
543. I'm talking 'bout the meat.Copy !req
544. The meat, the titty part.Copy !req
545. And I'm not bein' foul.Copy !req
546. Just, you know, whoa.Copy !req
547. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
548. Just so I can go
through the rest of the dayCopy !req
549. without pretending...Copy !req
550. That I don't see
what... what you...Copy !req
551. You... you understand
what I'm saying?Copy !req
552. I mean, let's work out a deal.Copy !req
553. Don't get me f-fired.Copy !req
554. Having women work
with men, right,Copy !req
555. is like having a grizzly bear
work with salmon.Copy !req
556. Dipped in honey.Copy !req
557. Like, so...Copy !req
558. Now, you dip the salmon
in the honey, right?Copy !req
559. Grizzly bears...Copy !req
560. And the salmon get
to walk through, comfortable,Copy !req
561. with honey and fish,Copy !req
562. and, "Good morning,
grizzly bears."Copy !req
563. And the grizzly bears is like,Copy !req
564. "Hey."Copy !req
565. It ain't even...
he can't even growl.Copy !req
566. Like, "Raawwwrr! What's
up, fish? Raawwwrr!"Copy !req
567. "Oh, my god, Human Resources!Copy !req
568. The grizzly bear just did
grizzly bear stuff."Copy !req
569. So...Copy !req
570. So...Copy !req
571. Like, I can't even go,
"Hey, good morning.Copy !req
572. "Good morning, fish.
Good morning.Copy !req
573. Ohhh."Copy !req
574. "I can't touch you."Copy !req
575. Like, "Ohhh, look at that.Copy !req
576. Ooh, I'ma just get
a little bit of that fishCopy !req
577. for a little bit.Copy !req
578. Lemme get that honey.Copy !req
579. Oh, my god, mmmm.Copy !req
580. Fish and honey, man.Copy !req
581. That's my favorite.Copy !req
582. Usually I kill fish
and eat 'em and stuff,Copy !req
583. but I just wanted
to just rub that...Copy !req
584. Rub a little bit of that.Copy !req
585. Mmm.Copy !req
586. God damn."Copy !req
587. That's oppressive.Copy !req
588. Like, you shouldn't even...Copy !req
589. And there's cameras everywhere.Copy !req
590. You can't do, like, weird stuffCopy !req
591. behind her back, like...Copy !req
592. Why would it be disrespectful
if I said...Copy !req
593. What's your name?Copy !req
594. Tyrelle.Copy !req
595. If I go, "Hey, Tyrelle,
we work together."Copy !req
596. And I go, "Tyrelle,
hey, do me a favor.Copy !req
597. "Let me know
when you gettin' upCopy !req
598. to go to the bathroomCopy !req
599. so I can sniff your chair."Copy !req
600. That's disrespectful
because it's sexual.Copy !req
601. But that keeps me from being...Copy !req
602. Like, I think... look.Copy !req
603. I think there should be
a holiday.Copy !req
604. For lack of a better word,Copy !req
605. Harassment Day.Copy !req
606. But not... that sounds whatever.Copy !req
607. But I mean a day
where I get to find out...Copy !req
608. Like... because... and this is whyCopy !req
609. it should be Harassment Day,Copy !req
610. because women get to be
inappropriate sexuallyCopy !req
611. all the time.Copy !req
612. You get to be inappropriate.Copy !req
613. And when I say inappropriate,Copy !req
614. I mean say hello to me
too close.Copy !req
615. "Hi!"Copy !req
616. Mmm-meh.Copy !req
617. Or some weird massageCopy !req
618. 'cause you think we're friends,Copy !req
619. and you, "Good Morning,"Copy !req
620. a little kiss,
and he's just like,Copy !req
621. "Ohhh.Copy !req
622. Oh, boy, oh, boy.Copy !req
623. Boy, boy, boy."Copy !req
624. And you think
in your head, man,Copy !req
625. "I wonder if I...Copy !req
626. I wonder if I, you know..."Copy !req
627. But Harassment Day allows youCopy !req
628. to be able to ask.Copy !req
629. All year, I say the Tuesday
before Thanksgiving.Copy !req
630. And it's...
and it's a beautiful day.Copy !req
631. Flowers and everything.Copy !req
632. You buy her flowers,Copy !req
633. You just real cool.Copy !req
634. You walk up, you're respectful.Copy !req
635. You say, "Hey, how are you?"Copy !req
636. You know, Good afternoon to her,Copy !req
637. Happy Harassment Day.Copy !req
638. And you just, like, say,Copy !req
639. "Listen, I was wondering
all yearCopy !req
640. If you would suck my dick
in the broom closet."Copy !req
641. And you just be like,
"No, thank you, I'm not..."Copy !req
642. And you'd be like,
"I'm... thank you.Copy !req
643. Keep the flowers.
I just thought...Copy !req
644. I made a mistake.Copy !req
645. I thought you was a ho
all year.Copy !req
646. I was confused.Copy !req
647. I thought you was a ho,
but you're not."Copy !req
648. Even animals, man.Copy !req
649. Animals smell it on us.Copy !req
650. They do.Copy !req
651. Animals smell
something's wrong.Copy !req
652. Like with the dog whisperer.Copy !req
653. He got animals.Copy !req
654. And I'm a animal... uh...Copy !req
655. Let me say this, man.Copy !req
656. I-I'm a what they c...Copy !req
657. I don't know what the term isCopy !req
658. for, uh, extreme animal lover.Copy !req
659. Like, I-I get sick
when I see animals suffering.Copy !req
660. And I know that's contraryCopy !req
661. to popular belief somehow.Copy !req
662. Somehow it's spread outCopy !req
663. That black people, we...
like, we hate animals.Copy !req
664. Like, we can't stand
dogs and cats.Copy !req
665. And I-I don't get it.Copy !req
666. That's the news doing that.Copy !req
667. 'Cause they only show dudes
that hate dogs.Copy !req
668. Like when the Vick stuff
was happening.Copy !req
669. "What do you think ofCopy !req
670. Michael Vick and the dog?"Copy !req
671. They just show...
Every dude they showCopy !req
672. is like, "Mm, dogs?
Man, fuck dogs.Copy !req
673. "I'll drown a dog
in a bucket right now.Copy !req
674. Gimme a dog.Copy !req
675. Where's a mo...
Where's a dog at?Copy !req
676. I'll kill him.Copy !req
677. I hate dogs. I hate dogs."Copy !req
678. And then they'll show
a white woman, like,Copy !req
679. Tongue-kissing a dog
in the mouth.Copy !req
680. Just to prove
white people love dogs.Copy !req
681. And then they go back to him,
and he's mad,Copy !req
682. Like, "Look at this
dirty white bitch,Copy !req
683. Tongue-kissing... Devil!Copy !req
684. Devil bitch tongue-kissing
a-a jackalCopy !req
685. in the mouth.Copy !req
686. Devil licking jackals!"Copy !req
687. And then she's, like,
shining, like...Copy !req
688. There's some weird war.Copy !req
689. They always want black peopleCopy !req
690. and white peopleCopy !req
691. to be at war, man,
for some reason.Copy !req
692. How can you hate a... I don't...Copy !req
693. People who hate animals...Copy !req
694. Like, I-I don't...
I'm not gonna go,Copy !req
695. "I hate you."Copy !req
696. But it... it would be hard.Copy !req
697. It takes away a piece
of how close we might...Copy !req
698. If you go, "I hate animals."Copy !req
699. Like, somebody look
at a baby seal,Copy !req
700. and go, "Oh, I can't waitCopy !req
701. to hit this motherfucker
in the face."Copy !req
702. "Fuckin' hate baby seals.Copy !req
703. All cute.Copy !req
704. The fuck you lookin' at,
baby seal?"Copy !req
705. Like...Copy !req
706. You ever see them sad
animal commercialsCopy !req
707. that come on, like, during...Copy !req
708. Like, 4:00 in the morning,Copy !req
709. during Three's Company reruns?Copy !req
710. And they catch you
out of nowhere.Copy !req
711. You be watching
Three's Company,Copy !req
712. and then,Copy !req
713. Like...Copy !req
714. And they'll show...Copy !req
715. It be a...Copy !req
716. Like, it'll be a kittenCopy !req
717. and they slow motion
the kitten up,Copy !req
718. and the kitten...Copy !req
719. And it's a...Copy !req
720. Kitten got a pencil
in his head.Copy !req
721. Like, somebody stuck a pencil
in his face.Copy !req
722. Then they put fun facts.Copy !req
723. "15,000 kittens
are stabbed in the headCopy !req
724. with pencils each year."Copy !req
725. You be like,
"Who is stabbing kittensCopy !req
726. in the face with pencils?Copy !req
727. Why?"Copy !req
728. Then they'll show
a bunch of puppiesCopy !req
729. shoved in a-a container
or a cup.Copy !req
730. "Hi, I'm white lady.Copy !req
731. I'm here to say
niggers probably did it."Copy !req
732. Fuck you, bitch,
jackal-kissing ho!Copy !req
733. But I'm not sayingCopy !req
734. that dogs should be
equal citizens, either.Copy !req
735. I love my dogs, man,Copy !req
736. but I-I can't...Copy !req
737. You know, it's wrong
to train 'em.Copy !req
738. And they're outta control,Copy !req
739. And I'm not really
a Cesar Millan understander.Copy !req
740. I try.Copy !req
741. I try with what they...Copy !req
742. But I-I got a westie,
a little westie,Copy !req
743. and a poodle.Copy !req
744. And I love my dogs, man.Copy !req
745. I let... and I let 'em go
to the bathroomCopy !req
746. On the wee-wee pad
in the house, man.Copy !req
747. I don't care.Copy !req
748. And everything's good
when they do that.Copy !req
749. 'Cause they got little baby...Copy !req
750. When they eatin' right,Copy !req
751. The ba... the... the...Copy !req
752. They be nice, little... little...Copy !req
753. You know.Copy !req
754. I don't have...
they don't have to scratch.Copy !req
755. They just, "Ugh,"
do they thing.Copy !req
756. And when they do they thing,
everything's beautiful.Copy !req
757. I go, "good boy,
good girl, bow,"Copy !req
758. And everybody's happy.Copy !req
759. But sometimes they just decideCopy !req
760. they gon' try me and go...Copy !req
761. Like, they have
a meeting and go,Copy !req
762. "You know what?Copy !req
763. Lemme see what happensCopy !req
764. if I piss on this good rug
that he bought.Copy !req
765. Let's see.Copy !req
766. Why don't you...
Wanna piss on his rug?Copy !req
767. Who gonna do it?Copy !req
768. You in?
Come on, one, two, three."Copy !req
769. "A'ight, I'll do it.
I'll do it."Copy !req
770. And then the other one
peekin' around the corner,Copy !req
771. Like, "Okay, okay."Copy !req
772. And just, "Ugggh."Copy !req
773. It's usually the westie.Copy !req
774. 'Cause he got the cutest look.Copy !req
775. The westie got the...
got the sad,Copy !req
776. Like, "what did I do?" face.Copy !req
777. So I be like,
"What are you doing?Copy !req
778. "Oh, come on, man.Copy !req
779. Why would you do that?"Copy !req
780. And he's just, "I'm dumb.Copy !req
781. I don't know."Copy !req
782. I go, "Go ahead, boy.
Come on, man."Copy !req
783. Everybody's happy.Copy !req
784. And then, like,
'cause when I was younger,Copy !req
785. this is how you trained dogs.Copy !req
786. It was no s... it was easy.Copy !req
787. You just put 'em downCopy !req
788. When they first get
in the house.Copy !req
789. And you just hide
around a corner, you know.Copy !req
790. And you just wait.Copy !req
791. You wait till they goCopy !req
792. to the bathroomCopy !req
793. where they ain't supposed to.Copy !req
794. And soon as he crunch upCopy !req
795. and go to the bathroom...Copy !req
796. You gotta wait 'til the first...Copy !req
797. And then you just run.Copy !req
798. "Mother fu... rraagggghh!"Copy !req
799. And you j...
you shove his face in shit.Copy !req
800. "Aaaagh!Copy !req
801. "How's that feel, shitty face?Copy !req
802. Your face stink. How's that?"Copy !req
803. "There, what?"Copy !req
804. He's like, "What?"Copy !req
805. You choke 'em out, and he's...Copy !req
806. He start tappin', like, "Oy."Copy !req
807. You kick him.Copy !req
808. "Don't shit on my rug,
you mother...!"Copy !req
809. And he'll never
shit there again.Copy !req
810. Like, he may go there.Copy !req
811. But here?Copy !req
812. He'll pull a cigarette
out first,Copy !req
813. 'fore he... dear god.Copy !req
814. "Whoo, somethin' happened
to me bad there.Copy !req
815. I'm scared to even
get near there."Copy !req
816. Nigga do heroin,
he get near that spot.Copy !req
817. "I'll kill you.Copy !req
818. That rug cost more
than you, motherfucker!"Copy !req
819. But I'm trying
to save you, man,Copy !req
820. 'cause you are the future,
my friend.Copy !req
821. 'Cause I'm finished.Copy !req
822. I'm stuck.Copy !req
823. In a relationship, done.Copy !req
824. Done.Copy !req
825. This is a man in love.Copy !req
826. Here... here's the face
of a man in love.Copy !req
827. And the face of a woman
in love is like,Copy !req
828. "Yea, yea.Copy !req
829. I'm in love."Copy !req
830. But the face...Copy !req
831. Of a man in like
is like, "Yeah, man.Copy !req
832. I like her."Copy !req
833. And women are like,Copy !req
834. "When are you...Copy !req
835. Where is this going?"Copy !req
836. Why's it have to go somewhere?Copy !req
837. It's just cool
right now, like...Copy !req
838. Here's the best relationship
in the world,Copy !req
839. is when...Copy !req
840. The woman loves you...Copy !req
841. And the man likes her.Copy !req
842. So if I like you,
and you love me,Copy !req
843. That's perfection.Copy !req
844. Because I like like.Copy !req
845. Like is like when...Copy !req
846. That's when he's happy
to see youCopy !req
847. and happy to hear you,Copy !req
848. and you doing thingsCopy !req
849. that don't disrespect
the happy.Copy !req
850. You lie about liking sports,Copy !req
851. And you do all kinda things.Copy !req
852. I know that sounds,
like, ridiculous,Copy !req
853. but I'll put it
in vaginal terms for you.Copy !req
854. 'Cause I see the faces,
like, "Huh?"Copy !req
855. And then guys go,Copy !req
856. "Hey, I don't know
what you're talking about."Copy !req
857. Like, but I-I... but guys do.Copy !req
858. I f... I speak fluent dude, man.Copy !req
859. I-I understand how we are.Copy !req
860. I'ma tell you why...Copy !req
861. Okay, ladies, you...
How many timesCopy !req
862. has there been a guy
in your life, or guys,Copy !req
863. where there's been men
in your lifeCopy !req
864. who want to sleep with you,Copy !req
865. but you didn't want
to sleep with him?Copy !req
866. Zillions. You can't count it.Copy !req
867. So what that means, there's a...Copy !req
868. There's a philosophy there,Copy !req
869. meaning you are sexable.Copy !req
870. He wants to sleep with you.Copy !req
871. But just 'cause you are sexableCopy !req
872. don't mean I'm sexable.Copy !req
873. Right?Copy !req
874. Same thing with love.Copy !req
875. Just 'cause I'm lovable...Copy !req
876. Doesn't mean that
you're lovable too.Copy !req
877. You're just likable to me.Copy !req
878. You didn't do for me
what I did for youCopy !req
879. to feel that way.Copy !req
880. You understand what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
881. It... it... it's very simple.Copy !req
882. So if you just wait for me
to love you,Copy !req
883. Then you... you'll be all right.Copy !req
884. You might have to wait a while.Copy !req
885. But men don't have the optionCopy !req
886. to muscle you
like you muscle us.Copy !req
887. "You know, you've gotta either
shit or get off the pot.Copy !req
888. We've been together
this many months,Copy !req
889. and it's time for us
to discover where..."Copy !req
890. Like, but men don't say
nothin' like thatCopy !req
891. to muscle you, man.
That's... that's, you know...Copy !req
892. I can't go, "Look,
we've been going outCopy !req
893. for a week now.Copy !req
894. It's... it's... it's, uh...Copy !req
895. It's time for you to roll
these panties down 'cause...Copy !req
896. It's been too long
I been buying you drinks,Copy !req
897. and you got to either shit
or get off the pot."Copy !req
898. But when your woman loves you,Copy !req
899. it's very difficult
to get past that, man.Copy !req
900. A woman's love
is so beautiful, man.Copy !req
901. Men's love is not as beautiful.Copy !req
902. It ain't pure,
'cause it's work. It's job.Copy !req
903. I look at my girl laying there,Copy !req
904. I be like, "God! Ohh, man!"Copy !req
905. I want to call out sick
from love.Copy !req
906. I be like, "Damn."Copy !req
907. But she's sleeping right there.Copy !req
908. I be wantin' to give
the call-in-sick voice.Copy !req
909. "I can't make it
to love you today.Copy !req
910. I got a..."Copy !req
911. But when your womanCopy !req
912. love you, man,Copy !req
913. you feel weird.Copy !req
914. I try to start arguments
with my girlCopy !req
915. all the time just
so that she love me less,Copy !req
916. 'cause she just...Copy !req
917. The way she love me,
it's just too much.Copy !req
918. I'm like, "Damn."Copy !req
919. It ain't... it's not necessary.Copy !req
920. But she loves, man.Copy !req
921. And love for a woman
embodies everything.Copy !req
922. It's like...Copy !req
923. She's concerned
about my health.Copy !req
924. Ain't no man in hereCopy !req
925. ever ask how
their woman's health is, ever.Copy !req
926. Look at this nigga laughin'.Copy !req
927. How long y'all been together,
by the way, bro?Copy !req
928. Two years.Copy !req
929. Have you ever asked her
a health question?Copy !req
930. Never. It ain't happenin'.Copy !req
931. He never... we don't know
when she,Copy !req
932. the last time she checked
her titties for...Copy !req
933. For lumps.Copy !req
934. Anybody's man ever askCopy !req
935. if you checked your titties
for fuckin' lumps? No!Copy !req
936. If you take pills,
do your man go,Copy !req
937. "Have you taken your pills?"Copy !req
938. No, we don't give a shit.Copy !req
939. Just knock your pills off the...Copy !req
940. "What's all these pills,
you sick bitch?"Copy !req
941. "Sound like maracas around here.
You're sick."Copy !req
942. And it's not 'cause
we don't care about you.Copy !req
943. It's just the way we careCopy !req
944. is not the way... You know.Copy !req
945. Men don't care about health
in general.Copy !req
946. We don't care about being sick.Copy !req
947. I should be getting
prostate checks every week.Copy !req
948. I should be at least doing
my own prostate check.Copy !req
949. You can... if your prostate's
swelled up,Copy !req
950. you can put your own finger
in your booty, right?Copy !req
951. To see if your prostate
swelled,Copy !req
952. 'cause you can't...Copy !req
953. But look, all of that,
I'll never know,Copy !req
954. 'cause I'm not gonna stick...Copy !req
955. I'll let my prostate
fall out my asshole first.Copy !req
956. I'll be walkin',
it'll fall on the ground.Copy !req
957. I'll be like,
"Is that my prostateCopy !req
958. just fell out my asshole?"Copy !req
959. And I still wouldn't go
to the hospital.Copy !req
960. I'll call one of my friends
on the phone.Copy !req
961. "Hey, man, your prostate
ever fall out your asshole?Copy !req
962. "What'd you do about it?Copy !req
963. Put some duct tape?
All right, put some duct tape."Copy !req
964. It's beautiful, the love.Copy !req
965. I'm telling you.
I'm diabetic, man,Copy !req
966. and... and, you know,Copy !req
967. I'm not gonna find no woman
that gives a... cares...Copy !req
968. Just off the street.Copy !req
969. 'Cause diabetes, look...Copy !req
970. First of all,
I don't support it, all right?Copy !req
971. If I didn't have it,
I could give a...Copy !req
972. It's just... "Whatever, dude, really?Copy !req
973. Can't eat cookies, faggot?
I don't care."Copy !req
974. But I got
that miserable disease.Copy !req
975. It's one of those...Copy !req
976. It's deterio... it's just a...Copy !req
977. It's just a pain in the ass,Copy !req
978. 'cause I can't eat
and drink what I want.Copy !req
979. Like, I can eat as
many vegetables as I want.Copy !req
980. "Patrice, you can have
all the brussels sproutsCopy !req
981. you ever needed."Copy !req
982. It was like, "Oh."Copy !req
983. Why can't I eat pasta and cake?Copy !req
984. But you can't, and it hard.Copy !req
985. It's like being addicted.Copy !req
986. Food is, I'm telling you...Copy !req
987. Food is an everyday, like...Copy !req
988. "Oh, my god, man, food again?"Copy !req
989. I gotta think about...Copy !req
990. Every day, I gotta think.Copy !req
991. I go to sleep
thinking about food.Copy !req
992. Tomorrow, like,
"What am I gonna do?Copy !req
993. A'ight, today,
I had salad and fruit,Copy !req
994. and I... I'm gonna
celebrate tomorrowCopy !req
995. by having a whole...Copy !req
996. lamb leg,Copy !req
997. to celebrate how good
I ate yesterday."Copy !req
998. It's just a suffering...Copy !req
999. And I understand
being addicted.Copy !req
1000. Any smokers?
Smokers here? Anybody?Copy !req
1001. Smoking? See, and that's like...Copy !req
1002. And you a young man,
but you know. You know.Copy !req
1003. It's a... you don't...
you're good people.Copy !req
1004. You don't want to die.Copy !req
1005. Smokers are like...Copy !req
1006. You just know
you're dying, like...Copy !req
1007. "Man, oh, man, dog."Copy !req
1008. And you gonna get cancer,Copy !req
1009. like, you know
you gonna get cancer,Copy !req
1010. and you're giving
other people cancer.Copy !req
1011. You're like...Copy !req
1012. You're like,
"I'm not a bad person,Copy !req
1013. I just can't keep it...Copy !req
1014. I can't keep it, uh...Copy !req
1015. Down in my system here."Copy !req
1016. And then the pack
of cigarettes,Copy !req
1017. they used to say things like,Copy !req
1018. "Uh, cigarettes possibly,Copy !req
1019. might,Copy !req
1020. cause you to be ill
at some point in your life."Copy !req
1021. Now they say it will kill you,Copy !req
1022. and you still...Copy !req
1023. And then you got
the cigarette boxes in Canada.Copy !req
1024. You ever see
Canada's cigarette boxes?Copy !req
1025. They got dead babies
on the box.Copy !req
1026. Like, it just be a dead baby.Copy !req
1027. Can you imagine smoking
and rationalizing?Copy !req
1028. Imagine you tell yourself,Copy !req
1029. "Man, I'm glad I made it
past his age.Copy !req
1030. Goddamn."Copy !req
1031. "How old was he
when he started smoking?Copy !req
1032. A day old?Copy !req
1033. Jesus, slow down, nigga,
use a filter."Copy !req
1034. I saw some white
chocolate-covered Oreos.Copy !req
1035. Oreos dipped in chocolate, man.Copy !req
1036. I wa... I could... it was...Copy !req
1037. I was in tears, like,Copy !req
1038. knowing I shouldn't eat it,Copy !req
1039. but I was in pain, like, going,
"Oh, my god."Copy !req
1040. And I'm talking to myself,Copy !req
1041. "I can't eat
these cookies, man."Copy !req
1042. And they're callin' me,
and I'm praying to god,Copy !req
1043. and I'm... and I'm
lactose intolerant,Copy !req
1044. but, like, if I eat
these cookies,Copy !req
1045. I gotta drink milk too.Copy !req
1046. I'ma go out like a soldier.Copy !req
1047. It's like, whatever.Copy !req
1048. And then you say all kind
of weird stuff to youCopy !req
1049. to rationalize eating them.Copy !req
1050. I be like, you know what,Copy !req
1051. "I don't need both my feet.Copy !req
1052. I'm not a...Copy !req
1053. I'm not a ballerina.Copy !req
1054. All I need is one
so I can drive my car."Copy !req
1055. I'ma tell you
a quick love story, man.Copy !req
1056. This will sum up
how much my girl love me,Copy !req
1057. and it's amazing.Copy !req
1058. Um, you know, like I said,Copy !req
1059. But, um, you know,
it's a true story.Copy !req
1060. When we have sex,Copy !req
1061. we're really, uh...Copy !req
1062. Really dirty, man.Copy !req
1063. We're really dirty.Copy !req
1064. We pee on each other
and the whole...Copy !req
1065. But that's... get past that,
'cause this is true love, so...Copy !req
1066. So I'm...
we're having sex, right?Copy !req
1067. About two years ago
this happened.Copy !req
1068. We're having sex,
and then, uh, afterwards,Copy !req
1069. She's like, "You know,
that was good,Copy !req
1070. but I think we gotta
go to the hospitalCopy !req
1071. and get you checked out."Copy !req
1072. I said, "Why?"Copy !req
1073. She said, "'Cause you're pee
tastes like birthday cake."Copy !req
1074. And...Copy !req
1075. Isn't that love?Copy !req
1076. If you can
get past the pee part,Copy !req
1077. That's love, right?Copy !req
1078. When she's like, "Oh,
your pee is too delicious.Copy !req
1079. I don't like that."Copy !req
1080. She didn't go, "You peed
in my mouth, you nasty..."Copy !req
1081. She's just like, "Oh, my god,
your pee tastes...Copy !req
1082. I don't like the way it tastes.Copy !req
1083. It tastes scrumptious."Copy !req
1084. What I'ma do?Copy !req
1085. You see these three
goofy girls' look,Copy !req
1086. They like,
"If he pee in my mouth,Copy !req
1087. Blah blah blah.Copy !req
1088. Blah blah-blah blah-blah bluh."Copy !req
1089. That means you're
not gonna love meCopy !req
1090. to the degree that I need
to save my life, are you?Copy !req
1091. No.Copy !req
1092. I don't need you.Copy !req
1093. I don't need you if you can'tCopy !req
1094. taste my pee and go,
"Something's wrong.Copy !req
1095. You need to go check yourself."Copy !req
1096. You judge me.Copy !req
1097. That's your woman, bro?Copy !req
1098. How long you guys
been together?Copy !req
1099. Ten years? Wow. Good, good.Copy !req
1100. How long?Copy !req
1101. 2 and a half, 3 years?Copy !req
1102. Y'all goin'... y'all goin' raw?Copy !req
1103. You stick it in raw? You do?Copy !req
1104. Okay, you put it in...
you put it in raw?Copy !req
1105. Look it, she punched him.
You know what?Copy !req
1106. Let me explain,
she just hit him in his arm.Copy !req
1107. I'ma explain something to you.Copy !req
1108. The quicker
that a man goes raw,Copy !req
1109. it makes him look like,
you know, "Go ahead, pimp.Copy !req
1110. You got it in raw."Copy !req
1111. The quicker the woman goes raw,Copy !req
1112. it makes you look...
Yeah, loose.Copy !req
1113. It makes you look bad.Copy !req
1114. 'Cause safe sex is
a woman's responsibility.Copy !req
1115. 'Cause men are trying to do itCopy !req
1116. the first second we meet.Copy !req
1117. Look, my protection is just,
I do this.Copy !req
1118. And I just go...Copy !req
1119. "Just not AIDS, God."Copy !req
1120. "Please don't let me
get sick and die."Copy !req
1121. It is yourCopy !req
1122. responsibility.Copy !req
1123. Yep.Copy !req
1124. When did y'all decide to do it?Copy !req
1125. How long did it take, bro?Copy !req
1126. How long did it take?Copy !req
1127. A while.Copy !req
1128. It took a while?
What's a while?Copy !req
1129. What's a while to you?Copy !req
1130. Hey, did you do
the old bagless trick,Copy !req
1131. where you would just slowly,
like, just try to put it inCopy !req
1132. without...Copy !req
1133. And you just, hopefully,
she stop you?Copy !req
1134. That old trick? Like, "Okay...Copy !req
1135. "All right, it's getting close,Copy !req
1136. and I think I'm gonna...Copy !req
1137. I ain't got nothin' on it yet."Copy !req
1138. And then it start
getting real close.Copy !req
1139. You be like,"No, she
gonna let me...Copy !req
1140. "Ohh!Copy !req
1141. This dirty bitch!"Copy !req
1142. "We both gonna die.Copy !req
1143. You let me put it in?"Copy !req
1144. "Oh, we gonna die!Copy !req
1145. "She just let me go raw!"Copy !req
1146. But we won't stop, though.Copy !req
1147. "Aw, come on! Stop me!"Copy !req
1148. And I can't use
no condom no more.Copy !req
1149. It's over... condom days.Copy !req
1150. I put a trash bag on my shit,Copy !req
1151. It just...Copy !req
1152. I have to see if my balls
can fit in there too.Copy !req
1153. Like, "All right,
how's that, baby?"Copy !req
1154. "They both in there, soft,Copy !req
1155. "but it's balls and dick
is in there.Copy !req
1156. You okay? How's that feel?Copy !req
1157. Filled up? You feel filled up?"Copy !req
1158. I'ma do... I'ma show
you something, ladies, right?Copy !req
1159. I'ma show you something.Copy !req
1160. Here's why you should
be responsible for safe sex.Copy !req
1161. All right, how many guys
in here, honestly,Copy !req
1162. have used a dental dam before?Copy !req
1163. Do you know
what a dental dam is?Copy !req
1164. You do? No one's
ever used on before, huh?Copy !req
1165. See? See what I'm saying?Copy !req
1166. You see what I'm saying
about the condoms?Copy !req
1167. Y'all just like,
"Put that condom on,"Copy !req
1168. But, you know, the dental damCopy !req
1169. is a piece
of a trash bag, right?Copy !req
1170. About as big as a napkin
that you flip out,Copy !req
1171. and you lay it
over a woman's vaginaCopy !req
1172. just in case, you know,
it's... it's poison.Copy !req
1173. To protect us
from imminent danger,Copy !req
1174. But we don't use it
'cause you'll be insulted.Copy !req
1175. If I'm getting ready
to have sex with you,Copy !req
1176. and I pull out
a piece of a trash bag...Copy !req
1177. And you go, "Uh, what is that?"Copy !req
1178. "Oh, I'm just gonna
lay that over your vaginaCopy !req
1179. just in case it kills me."Copy !req
1180. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"Copy !req
1181. And we see that face?
"Nothin', forget it."Copy !req
1182. Don't even... pretend
you didn't see that.Copy !req
1183. I'd rather die than toCopy !req
1184. insult my way
out of some pussy.Copy !req
1185. I'd rather just get
what you got."Copy !req
1186. No offense,Copy !req
1187. but that's us.Copy !req
1188. We are not like you.Copy !req
1189. Understand that.Copy !req
1190. We're good creatures, special...Copy !req
1191. We are, but
we're just not like you.Copy !req
1192. We're not like...
we don't tell the truth,Copy !req
1193. and the reason is
because we cannot.Copy !req
1194. Truth is, uh...
Here's what truth is.Copy !req
1195. Truth is a feeling
that goes from your gutCopy !req
1196. to your mouth instantaneously.Copy !req
1197. Women get to be truthful.Copy !req
1198. You get to say...Copy !req
1199. And you say any kind of foul,Copy !req
1200. 'Cause you don't have
an editing...Copy !req
1201. It just comes up.Copy !req
1202. "I just...
two plus two is seven."Copy !req
1203. Just say it.Copy !req
1204. "I don't care."Copy !req
1205. And you be like,
"It's... it's four."Copy !req
1206. "It ain't.
It's whatever I want it to be!"Copy !req
1207. "I'ma talk
if I feel like it."Copy !req
1208. Men don't do that.Copy !req
1209. We can't be honest with you.Copy !req
1210. Man truth is cruel.Copy !req
1211. If we told you
the truth all the time,Copy !req
1212. that's cruelty.Copy !req
1213. Men... men go from our gut,Copy !req
1214. and then it stops at the heart,Copy !req
1215. where we edit it.Copy !req
1216. We edit what this was.Copy !req
1217. What this was
was gonna be foul,Copy !req
1218. so I'm not gonna say
what this was.Copy !req
1219. And then, it goes
into the brain for further...Copy !req
1220. Touch-ups.Copy !req
1221. You know, analysis.Copy !req
1222. Mmm, okay.
All right, that sounds good.Copy !req
1223. And then you say it.Copy !req
1224. We don't just spew
stuff out, man,Copy !req
1225. because how we really
feel about you,Copy !req
1226. it just... it's not...
it's not coolCopy !req
1227. Like this,
how we feel about you.Copy !req
1228. You said ten years?Copy !req
1229. Let me ask you a question,
honestly.Copy !req
1230. What's your daydream
on how to kill her?Copy !req
1231. You want to get me killed?Copy !req
1232. Here's where you're messing up.Copy !req
1233. I'm gonna tell you
where you're messing up.Copy !req
1234. He goes... he says to me,Copy !req
1235. "Hey, man, you trying
to get me killed?"Copy !req
1236. So you see how
we can't tell the truth?Copy !req
1237. The... the lie, right?Copy !req
1238. That means
that he thinks about it.Copy !req
1239. See? Do you understand
what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
1240. You should say, "I don't think
about killing my woman,"Copy !req
1241. But you go, "You tryin'
to get me killed?Copy !req
1242. "If I tell you
how I'd kill this bitch,Copy !req
1243. She gonna kill me!"Copy !req
1244. So you might as well
get it out now.Copy !req
1245. How do you kill her, man?Copy !req
1246. Just so she know.Copy !req
1247. How do you daydream about it?Copy !req
1248. Spit it out. She's looking at...Copy !req
1249. It's over. Just...Copy !req
1250. Sweetie, I'm trying
to let you understandCopy !req
1251. what you're dealing with.Copy !req
1252. I'm just saying
the fact that you're aliveCopy !req
1253. means he didn't
go through with it.Copy !req
1254. He just...Copy !req
1255. And I'ma tell you why,Copy !req
1256. why guys think about killing
their women.Copy !req
1257. It's 'cause we love you.Copy !req
1258. Because I want you
out of my life,Copy !req
1259. but I don't want to hurt
your feelings.Copy !req
1260. So I'd rather you be dead,Copy !req
1261. than to break your heart.Copy !req
1262. So we think about,
how do we kill this...Copy !req
1263. And get away...
How do you do it, bro?Copy !req
1264. I'll tell you
how I kill my girl.Copy !req
1265. I put a pillow over her headCopy !req
1266. and shoot her twice
with a silencer.Copy !req
1267. And the feathers come up,Copy !req
1268. and I look under the pillow,Copy !req
1269. and her eyes still be open,Copy !req
1270. and I close her eye...
I close her eyes and shit.Copy !req
1271. And I kiss her softly
on her face,Copy !req
1272. but she's dead.Copy !req
1273. You might as well spit it out,Copy !req
1274. 'cause it'll help you now,Copy !req
1275. 'cause you can blame it on all...
The whole situation,Copy !req
1276. instead of later
when she's like,Copy !req
1277. "So, you know..."Copy !req
1278. You're Puerto Rican, right?Copy !req
1279. - Cuban.
- Cuban?Copy !req
1280. Oh, lord have merc...Copy !req
1281. Like, whatever, she's...Copy !req
1282. Whatever accent and whatever
anger she does in Spanish,Copy !req
1283. she's gonna be on you,Copy !req
1284. so you might as
well just say it.Copy !req
1285. Think about it.Copy !req
1286. 'Cause she gonna be on you.Copy !req
1287. What is it?
What do you, you know.Copy !req
1288. And look it, I don't condone
violence against women,Copy !req
1289. but I do condone
thinking about it,Copy !req
1290. because, sometimes it's like,Copy !req
1291. "How do I get you
out of my face?"Copy !req
1292. It's just like, what do you do?Copy !req
1293. When a girl's
in your face, Ahh!Copy !req
1294. Especially black women,
'cause, you know what?Copy !req
1295. This is probably more important
to white women,Copy !req
1296. 'cause white women,
you do stuff to get killed.Copy !req
1297. People kill you.Copy !req
1298. Your husbands kill you.Copy !req
1299. Black women do stuff
to get hit.Copy !req
1300. Like, they make you
want to hit 'em,Copy !req
1301. 'cause they be in your face,Copy !req
1302. like they could whup your ass.Copy !req
1303. "Blah blah blah, blah-blah."Copy !req
1304. You be like,Copy !req
1305. "I'ma put this bitchCopy !req
1306. through a fish tank."Copy !req
1307. Don't get in my face,Copy !req
1308. 'cause I can't even hit you.Copy !req
1309. I can't even poke you hard.Copy !req
1310. Like, don't...Copy !req
1311. Don't press me like that.Copy !req
1312. "What you gonna do?
I wish you was..."Copy !req
1313. Like, "Oh, my god, man,
get out of my face."Copy !req
1314. And I've never hit
a woman, man.Copy !req
1315. I've never needed to.Copy !req
1316. And I been... been, like,
"Wow, man.Copy !req
1317. This would be so much easier
if I could,"Copy !req
1318. But I just... You just...Copy !req
1319. Like, I never even
mushed a woman.Copy !req
1320. Anyone ever get mushed?Copy !req
1321. You ever get mushed?Copy !req
1322. You know what a mushing is?Copy !req
1323. You don't even know
what mushing is.Copy !req
1324. Do you know what mushing is?Copy !req
1325. You do... yeah, see. Look
at the black girl right there.Copy !req
1326. Go ahead, show her. Show her.Copy !req
1327. She put her whole hand
over her face.Copy !req
1328. It's a... it's...
it's a non-violent...Copy !req
1329. Movement...Copy !req
1330. When you're in my face, Aah!Copy !req
1331. And it's just to...
it just moves you...Copy !req
1332. And sometimes a twist.Copy !req
1333. It's just, "Get out of my face,Copy !req
1334. Please."Copy !req
1335. I don't ever want to mush,Copy !req
1336. and I've never done it.Copy !req
1337. I've come close,
but I'm too scared.Copy !req
1338. I don't want to go to jail
over nonsense, man.Copy !req
1339. Jail's...
I don't want to do that.Copy !req
1340. Push... I don't want
to mush a girl.Copy !req
1341. "Get out of here."Copy !req
1342. She stumble back,
crack her head, and...Copy !req
1343. You know, she's laying
on the ground doing the, uh...Copy !req
1344. The Hulk Hogan
from the '80s, like...Copy !req
1345. I'm like, "Oh, my god."Copy !req
1346. I'm lifting her hand up
like the referee.Copy !req
1347. Like, "Oh, come on, bitch.Copy !req
1348. Please get up."Copy !req
1349. And she's just...Copy !req
1350. And on the third one,
I'm hoping she go like this,Copy !req
1351. like, "Oh!"Copy !req
1352. "I'm still livin', brother!"Copy !req
1353. And you're like, "Okay! Okay!Copy !req
1354. "Oh-ho!Copy !req
1355. Oh, she's livin'!"Copy !req
1356. White women, though,Copy !req
1357. I'ma tell you
why you get killed,Copy !req
1358. and this is a f...
I'm from Boston, man.Copy !req
1359. I got a PHD
in white people, man.Copy !req
1360. I grew up around them.Copy !req
1361. White women,
you don't scream at your men.Copy !req
1362. I never seen a white woman
really go "Aah!" at your man.Copy !req
1363. "What? What?"Copy !req
1364. But you do something different.Copy !req
1365. You don't scream,
but you... you, uh...Copy !req
1366. You say, like,
really terrible thingsCopy !req
1367. in his ear
so only he can hear it,Copy !req
1368. and it starts to, like,Copy !req
1369. abrade and whittle
his spirit down.Copy !req
1370. Like really foul stuff,
but nice, like,Copy !req
1371. "You know what,
your mother's breath stinks."Copy !req
1372. You be like...Copy !req
1373. "When'd you get close
enough to my mo..."Copy !req
1374. "I don't have to.Copy !req
1375. It stinks from here.Copy !req
1376. And I'm gonna fuck
your friend Phillip."Copy !req
1377. "I'm gonna fuck Byron
as soon as you go to work."Copy !req
1378. And then, this is over years,Copy !req
1379. and you just... you just...Copy !req
1380. Until all you got left
is murder.Copy !req
1381. You just kill her,Copy !req
1382. 'cause you got
no more spirit left.Copy !req
1383. The spirit is gone.Copy !req
1384. Serious, man.Copy !req
1385. If you want
to understand men, ladies,Copy !req
1386. look, I'm here for you.Copy !req
1387. I'm just telling you
what we are.Copy !req
1388. What we are,
you know, not who we are.Copy !req
1389. What we are.Copy !req
1390. Just like what we are
that makes us struggle.Copy !req
1391. And, really,
men are perfect creatures,Copy !req
1392. except for, you know, one...Copy !req
1393. Like, if most women
would want to be a manCopy !req
1394. if you didn't have to give upCopy !req
1395. that power that you have,Copy !req
1396. Which is our weakness.Copy !req
1397. That's our weakness.Copy !req
1398. It's very difficult.Copy !req
1399. I'm telling you, man.Copy !req
1400. Like, I don't want to want
to be with other women ever.Copy !req
1401. Like, I want to just
walk down the street and go,Copy !req
1402. "I never need to look
at another woman again,Copy !req
1403. 'cause I'm with the last woman
I'm ever gonna be with."Copy !req
1404. And I'm like...
But it ain't real.Copy !req
1405. It's just...Copy !req
1406. Like, no guy wants to cheat
and hurt his woman, man.Copy !req
1407. That hurts.Copy !req
1408. First of all, think aboutCopy !req
1409. what cheating is
for a second, ladies.Copy !req
1410. Cheating is a man,Copy !req
1411. he sneaks out of his own houseCopy !req
1412. to go, like, find some happiness
behind your backCopy !req
1413. So your feelings aren't hurt.Copy !req
1414. Cheating is for you.Copy !req
1415. It's not...Copy !req
1416. It's not for me.Copy !req
1417. We don't want to hurt you.Copy !req
1418. If you gave a lie detector testCopy !req
1419. to a man and a womanCopy !req
1420. and asked them
the same questions, man,Copy !req
1421. We would pass them bothCopy !req
1422. up to a point where
it's like, hey,Copy !req
1423. Ask a woman, "You love your man?
You love your family?Copy !req
1424. You love your home,
you love what you built?"Copy !req
1425. "Yep."Copy !req
1426. "All right, you see Brad Pitt
or Denzel WashingtonCopy !req
1427. or whatever standing there,Copy !req
1428. would you risk everything
you built with your manCopy !req
1429. just to sleep with him?"Copy !req
1430. And women, look, they'll go
"Nah, I wouldn't."Copy !req
1431. And they'll pass the test.Copy !req
1432. They'll be like, "Eh, you know,Copy !req
1433. they look good,
but I wouldn't."Copy !req
1434. Ask guys the same thing,
you know, boom,Copy !req
1435. Love your woman,
the kids, the hou...Copy !req
1436. - "Yeah."
- "All right, you...Copy !req
1437. You see that girl passed out
behind the dumpster?"Copy !req
1438. "Would you risk everythingCopy !req
1439. for a passed-out womanCopy !req
1440. behind a dumpster?"Copy !req
1441. "I don't want to,
but look at herCopy !req
1442. with garbage on... she looks
so cute with garbage on her."Copy !req
1443. You ever discuss
threesomes, gorgeous?Copy !req
1444. You never had
a threesome discussionCopy !req
1445. with your man after ten years?Copy !req
1446. Like, just even talked
to him about it.Copy !req
1447. Just a talk.Copy !req
1448. Like, 'cause it'll make him...Copy !req
1449. Wouldn't just
a nice threesome talkCopy !req
1450. make you feel like,Copy !req
1451. "Oh, man, just cool
that she lets me getCopy !req
1452. a little bit
of that evil out, right?"Copy !req
1453. And by the way, ladies,Copy !req
1454. a threesome
is two girls and a guy.Copy !req
1455. The girls be thinking,
"What about...?"Copy !req
1456. Two guys and a girl is a train.Copy !req
1457. That is...Copy !req
1458. Me and him.Copy !req
1459. I don't even know him.Copy !req
1460. And he better not
look me in the face.Copy !req
1461. Like, what...Copy !req
1462. "Nigga, just get
your dick sucked.Copy !req
1463. Why are you staring at me?"Copy !req
1464. "Let me fuck my half
of the torso."Copy !req
1465. "Catch this nigga
blinkin' at meCopy !req
1466. while I'm trying to
fuck my half of the body.Copy !req
1467. Damn! Damn, man!Copy !req
1468. Nigga don't have
train etiquette."Copy !req
1469. You don't understand
that, right?Copy !req
1470. Women don't relate
to that crap,Copy !req
1471. 'cause you don't understand
how much, uh...Copy !req
1472. To get sex
for a guy, man, it's hard.Copy !req
1473. It's harder to find...Copy !req
1474. It's harder to get sex
than it is to find love.Copy !req
1475. I swear to god.Copy !req
1476. Women hold that... you gotta
be smooth to get...Copy !req
1477. I'm tellin' you,
to get through that,Copy !req
1478. because women are like
the Beef Eaters from, uh, England,Copy !req
1479. with the big hats,
and them dudes be...Copy !req
1480. "Who goes there?"Copy !req
1481. You trying to, like,
charm your way into the palace,Copy !req
1482. and you just be like...Copy !req
1483. "Tickle, tickle, baby.
Tickle, tickle."Copy !req
1484. And she's just, "You're
not gonna get through!"Copy !req
1485. "Oh, come on."Copy !req
1486. And... and that's skill.Copy !req
1487. Women, you don't have it,
'cause you don't need it.Copy !req
1488. You don't have to have swagger
to get some tonight.Copy !req
1489. You don't.Copy !req
1490. You can just point at it.Copy !req
1491. You can look at a guy,
right, catch his eye,Copy !req
1492. and go like this,
and he'll go, "Me?"Copy !req
1493. And then you just
point right at it.Copy !req
1494. And don't be sexy.Copy !req
1495. Don't be like, "Ooh."Copy !req
1496. Just...Copy !req
1497. And he'll look around
for a minute to make sureCopy !req
1498. It ain't a trick, like...Copy !req
1499. Monsters is giving out
pussy, man.Copy !req
1500. What I'ma do?Copy !req
1501. What I'ma do, say no?Copy !req
1502. We're like, uh...Copy !req
1503. I'm trying to, like,
make it so women just, like,Copy !req
1504. understand a little bit,
like, just to sympathize.Copy !req
1505. It's like we're
like sport fishermen.Copy !req
1506. This is what I'm sayin'.Copy !req
1507. That's what men are.Copy !req
1508. We... I mean,
being with one woman...Copy !req
1509. I mean, for real, ladies,Copy !req
1510. if you just said thank you
to your manCopy !req
1511. for being faithful.Copy !req
1512. You just go "Thank you, man.Copy !req
1513. Thank you for fighting."Copy !req
1514. He'd be like, "Damn."Copy !req
1515. And if you...
If he told his friendsCopy !req
1516. that you thanked him
for fighting hardCopy !req
1517. and not cheating,Copy !req
1518. His friends would be like,
"What?"Copy !req
1519. Like, they would look at you
like you was amazing.Copy !req
1520. It's simple.Copy !req
1521. Men like to fish.Copy !req
1522. And sport fishing is differentCopy !req
1523. from catching fish for food.Copy !req
1524. You just get it...Copy !req
1525. You get it, you catch it,Copy !req
1526. And you, you know...Copy !req
1527. You show your friends.Copy !req
1528. 'Cause you want them to know
that you can catch fish.Copy !req
1529. You take a couple of picturesCopy !req
1530. so you can show people the fishCopy !req
1531. that you have
the ability to catch,Copy !req
1532. and then you release it
back into the water.Copy !req
1533. But a lot of women in here,Copy !req
1534. you have boyfriends
or husbands...Copy !req
1535. You were fish that jumped
back on the boat...Copy !req
1536. And just was, like,
flapping, looking at me, like...Copy !req
1537. "Hi.Copy !req
1538. "I was wondering
if you're gonna beCopy !req
1539. fishing here again
next week, like..."Copy !req
1540. "Yeah, for other fish.Copy !req
1541. Get off my boat."Copy !req
1542. "Is that how you treat
all the fish?"Copy !req
1543. You be like, "Oh, goddamn.Copy !req
1544. "Nope, I'm sorry, sweetie,Copy !req
1545. you're the last fish
I ever wanted to be with."Copy !req
1546. Now you're stuck.Copy !req
1547. Stuck with the last fish,Copy !req
1548. who was loving you
and fighting hardCopy !req
1549. to be on your boat,Copy !req
1550. then she got comfortable,Copy !req
1551. and now, instead of doing this,Copy !req
1552. She's like, "So...Copy !req
1553. We've been together
for, like, a year now.Copy !req
1554. Why do you still have a boat?"Copy !req
1555. You be like,Copy !req
1556. "So what you trying to say,
I can't catch fish no more?"Copy !req
1557. "Why do you need
to catch a fish?"Copy !req
1558. "Because if I lose my ability
to catch fish,Copy !req
1559. then you not gonna
find me sexy no more.Copy !req
1560. So you gotta smell fish on meCopy !req
1561. so that you know
I can catch fishCopy !req
1562. so you can act right."Copy !req
1563. That's like, guys,
you meet your girl,Copy !req
1564. she was a ho.Copy !req
1565. Like, had ho...
like she, big ol' bootyCopy !req
1566. and this and that.Copy !req
1567. You gotta let her do that.Copy !req
1568. Don't start trying
to frump her upCopy !req
1569. and get her fat
and get her foul.Copy !req
1570. 'Cause that's why you like her.Copy !req
1571. I don't want no womanCopy !req
1572. that no other guy's
trying to fuck.Copy !req
1573. I don't want a womanCopy !req
1574. that I can send to the store
at 2:00 in the morning,Copy !req
1575. 'cause nobody's gonna
try to rape her.Copy !req
1576. Like, I go,Copy !req
1577. "Go get some bread
at 3:00 in the morning.Copy !req
1578. "Hey, cut through
the alley, bitch, 'cause..."Copy !req
1579. "Girl, I talked to the junkies.Copy !req
1580. They don't want it.
They don't like you."Copy !req
1581. And I'm just...
to be fair to women, um,Copy !req
1582. You know, it's...Copy !req
1583. Look, god has been
very cruel to you.Copy !req
1584. Being a woman as a creature,Copy !req
1585. I think it's just unfair.Copy !req
1586. I wouldn't want to be a woman.Copy !req
1587. It's just... I mean, like, your period,Copy !req
1588. I look at that and...Copy !req
1589. And see what my woman
go throughCopy !req
1590. every month.Copy !req
1591. Like, if my nose bled
every month,Copy !req
1592. I think I would kill myself.Copy !req
1593. I would be like,
"Mother... Oh, my god, man."Copy !req
1594. You gotta stick something
in your noseCopy !req
1595. with a string hanging out.Copy !req
1596. Gotta take that out,
what, every seven secondsCopy !req
1597. or whatever.Copy !req
1598. And five days
before your nose bleeds,Copy !req
1599. It's gonna bleed,Copy !req
1600. but you don't know when,Copy !req
1601. so you just sittin' there like,Copy !req
1602. "When is my noseCopy !req
1603. going to start bleeding?Copy !req
1604. Oh, my god!"Copy !req
1605. And then if your nose don't
bleed when it's supposed to,Copy !req
1606. "Oh, my god!Copy !req
1607. My nose is supposed
to be bleeding by now!"Copy !req
1608. "I'ma go to the hospital
if it's not bleeding soon!"Copy !req
1609. And y'all get hornyCopy !req
1610. My woman gets horny on her...Copy !req
1611. Oh, my god...Copy !req
1612. And I ain't down with that.Copy !req
1613. And I see her face,
like if I would do it one time,Copy !req
1614. it probably
would change her life,Copy !req
1615. like she would be
just so grateful,Copy !req
1616. but I just can't.Copy !req
1617. She's like, "Come on.Copy !req
1618. "You know, come on. Just...Copy !req
1619. Just lay a... come on,
lay a towel or something down."Copy !req
1620. And I was gonna do it one time,Copy !req
1621. and then I googled
the whole cycle.Copy !req
1622. There's all kind of stuff
hap... I don't...Copy !req
1623. I sharpened a mop stick.Copy !req
1624. Every monthCopy !req
1625. I just poke her,Copy !req
1626. I go, "Yah! Get back!Copy !req
1627. Yah! Back! Get in the closet!Copy !req
1628. Get out of here!"Copy !req
1629. Slide her some raw meat
under the door.Copy !req
1630. "Eat that for a week!
Ha! Get back!"Copy !req
1631. It's shocking.Copy !req
1632. Like, I know,
look, like I said, I'm 40.Copy !req
1633. I can feel...Copy !req
1634. I can feel my sex drive, right,Copy !req
1635. I still love women,
but I don't feel like...Copy !req
1636. I don't feel like having sex
like that.Copy !req
1637. But I still love
looking at 'em, like, "Oh."Copy !req
1638. But here's what god
did for men.Copy !req
1639. He turned my horniness
into creepiness.Copy !req
1640. Like, so...Copy !req
1641. I can have a good time
sitting at the mallCopy !req
1642. watching chicks tryin'
on sneakers at the foot locker,Copy !req
1643. with the creepy face, like...Copy !req
1644. Mmm!Copy !req
1645. I'm good for the day.Copy !req
1646. But women,
you don't get creepy.Copy !req
1647. You get hornier
as you get older.Copy !req
1648. It's weird,
you want to do all your sexin'Copy !req
1649. between the ages of 30 and 50.Copy !req
1650. That's when you want it.Copy !req
1651. But here's how sad things are.Copy !req
1652. The value of vagina's only good
from 18 to 29.Copy !req
1653. Pussy get old like bread,
not like wine. It...Copy !req
1654. I don't want the waiter to bring
me a vintage glass of twat.Copy !req
1655. He'd be like, "Would you like aCopy !req
1656. '52 le Stinky VaginaCopy !req
1657. from the Funk-Funk region?"Copy !req
1658. You'd be like, "Ugh!Copy !req
1659. You ain't got a better year
than that?Copy !req
1660. You ain't got a..."Copy !req
1661. Got a '89 down there?
Give me a '89.Copy !req
1662. I don't care what it is.Copy !req
1663. Water? Just '89."Copy !req
1664. I'm not saying
you not sexy if you...Copy !req
1665. If you 40 or whatever.Copy !req
1666. I'm not...
you're beautiful, whatever.Copy !req
1667. I'm just sayin' 20 is just...Copy !req
1668. 20...Copy !req
1669. 20.Copy !req
1670. Who's 20 down here?
How old are you?Copy !req
1671. Older than 20?
I hear it in your voice.Copy !req
1672. You sound like you
chew cigarettes.Copy !req
1673. She's just like...Copy !req
1674. As cute as you are,
you can hear it.Copy !req
1675. "I'm older than 20."Copy !req
1676. 'Cause women who are not 20...Copy !req
1677. Did you see what happened?Copy !req
1678. - She raised her hand fast.
- "20! Yay!"Copy !req
1679. "Ahem, um..."Copy !req
1680. "Older than 20."Copy !req
1681. 20 years... god.Copy !req
1682. I bet you your pussy
tastes like hope.Copy !req
1683. I'm sorry.
That was just ridiculous.Copy !req
1684. But that's the difference.Copy !req
1685. Difference between
40-year-old cooch and 20,Copy !req
1686. it's the amount of time
I wait. That's it.Copy !req
1687. 20, I wait forever.Copy !req
1688. Just wait in the corner,
like, "Oh, it's gonna happen.Copy !req
1689. I am going to wait
for this 20-year-oldness."Copy !req
1690. 40, I... a date.Copy !req
1691. Two dates.Copy !req
1692. Two dates,
and then you gotta startCopy !req
1693. rollin' them old drawers down.Copy !req
1694. From where it is,
pulled up to the bra.Copy !req
1695. I'm not saying you're not sexy
if you're 40...Copy !req
1696. I'm not. I'm just saying,
it's the time, that's it.Copy !req
1697. Like, I want it now.Copy !req
1698. If I'm willing to eat
some stale Cracker Jacks,Copy !req
1699. I'll eat,Copy !req
1700. some stale Cracker Jacks,Copy !req
1701. but I want 'em right now.Copy !req
1702. If I say, "Hand me them stale
Cracker Jacks right there,"Copy !req
1703. and you go, "Come and get 'em,"Copy !req
1704. I'll be, like, "Just throw
'em on the floor.Copy !req
1705. "They old. The box is open.Copy !req
1706. There's no prize in it.Copy !req
1707. Where the magnifying glass?"Copy !req
1708. "One peanut?
Get that... get out of here!"Copy !req
1709. Making me crawl around
for old Cracker Jacks.Copy !req
1710. And you will laugh at that,
ladies, ifCopy !req
1711. you, it's just not fun for you.Copy !req
1712. Nothing's fun.Copy !req
1713. Sex isn't fun.Copy !req
1714. Sex is so much fun for dudes.Copy !req
1715. 'Cause we got a money shot.Copy !req
1716. You don't understandCopy !req
1717. what it's like to see...Copy !req
1718. The... the... feeling.Copy !req
1719. Like, we both have orgasms.Copy !req
1720. Uhh! Uhh!Copy !req
1721. But men have a receipt.Copy !req
1722. Like, we...Copy !req
1723. We see it,Copy !req
1724. and it's a payoff.Copy !req
1725. You be like, "I am satisfied,Copy !req
1726. 'cause that's what it is.
Look at it."Copy !req
1727. You don't think
you'd be happier, ladies,Copy !req
1728. If you could just have a...Copy !req
1729. If you could just shoot
a couple of eggsCopy !req
1730. in a guy's face?Copy !req
1731. You just... Fff! Fff!Copy !req
1732. Right on top of his forehead?Copy !req
1733. You want to be happier?
Get on... fff! Unh!Copy !req
1734. And he's just sitting there.Copy !req
1735. And, Fff!Copy !req
1736. And you go,
"Aw, that felt good!Copy !req
1737. Go in the bathroom
and wash your face."Copy !req
1738. He's walking to the bathroom...Copy !req
1739. "Ohh!"Copy !req
1740. Wiping his eyes.Copy !req
1741. "Why are you so aggressive?"Copy !req
1742. You like,
"Shut up, faggot, and...Copy !req
1743. Hurry up and make me
a grilled cheese sandwich."Copy !req
1744. Call your friends on the phone,Copy !req
1745. "I just egged
on the top of his head."Copy !req
1746. "Don't tell your friends
our business!"Copy !req
1747. "Shut up! She already knowsCopy !req
1748. I egg on the top
of your head already."Copy !req
1749. Hey, I gotta go, man.Copy !req
1750. Y'all take care of yourself.Copy !req
1751. Thank you.Copy !req
1752. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1753. Thank you guys.Copy !req
1754. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1755. Appreciate it.Copy !req
1756. Captioning by captionmax
www.Captionmax.ComCopy !req