Oy Vey! My Son Is Gay! (2010)

1. Rivka, I like the weather this time of year.

2. Do you like the weather this time of year?

3. So, what do you think?

4. You don't want to know.

5. Which one?

6. Umm, the best we have.

7. Because you never know.

8. Right? Okay.

9. Oh, you made cookies.

10. Sweetheart, come here.

11. Look at you.

12. The daughter of one of your father's friends is here,

13. and she just graduated from Hofstra.

14. You're making it a point to tell me this?

15. Oh shush, sweetie, it was just a last minute thing.

16. Yeah, last minute thing like arranged a month ago.

17. Oh, be nice.

18. I did.

19. Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to show up?

20. Oh, Martin, make the introductions.

21. Oh sure, this is my son, Nelson,

22. - and this is... - Celeste Levitz.

23. Hi.

24. Whoa. Okay.

25. Nice to meet you, Celeste Levitz.

26. Oh, it's my pleasure entirely.

27. Dinner is served.

28. Shall we go in the dining room?

29. Let's go eat.

30. Come, Martin.

31. Oh, this is gonna be the dinner from Hell.

32. Honey, what do you really know about this girl?

33. Celeste? She lives in great neck, nice parents,

34. belong to the country club,

35. major contributors to the synagogue, disgustingly rich.

36. Except for the disgustingly rich part,

37. I don't think she's for Nelson.

38. - Notice that, did ya? - I did.

39. So why did you invite her here?

40. What do you mean why did I invite her here?

41. You suggested it.

42. All I said was Larry Levitz' daughter was home from school.

43. You were ready to call the caterers.

44. Dad, what is it with these girls you're introducing me to?

45. I... it's her.

46. I'm not worried about you.

47. Well, you guys should know that there's someone in my life.

48. There is?

49. Really?

50. Mazel, mazel, Mazel Tov.

51. Who is she?

52. I was gonna tell you.

53. Well, what are you waiting for, the Messiah?

54. Is it serious?

55. Yeah. You could say that.

56. Great.

57. I'm so happy.

58. Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov.

59. When are we gonna meet her?

60. Shirley, Shirley, calm down.

61. Nobody's calling the rabbi yet.

62. - Shhh. - Dad's right.

63. I, uh, I'll tell you guys when I'm ready.

64. Okay, but I can be happy.

65. I'm so happy.

66. Angelo, Sybil, I'm sorry I'm late.

67. - Oh, hi. - Hey.

68. - Hey. - How do I look?

69. Deliciously divine.

70. And me?

71. You two make a beautiful couple.

72. Oh!

73. - Tickets. - Let's go.

74. Shirley, you got to leave him alone.

75. He doesn't need you to find women.

76. I'm just concerned.

77. I mean, how many more sons am I gonna have in this life, huh?

78. Um, with me? None.

79. I just want to know who he's with.

80. My son is out there all by himself.

81. He's all alone.

82. Your son is fine.

83. He's a healthy, confident young man.

84. But who is she?

85. We don't know anything about her.

86. I mean, for all we know, she could be my age.

87. Don't be silly.

88. Yeah, well that's what's in today.

89. - Young boys with... - Young boys with what?

90. Well, is she Jewish?

91. I mean, we don't even know if she's Jewish.

92. How could I have forgotten to ask if she's Jewish?

93. How could I do that?

94. I have no idea if she's Jewish.

95. Oy, Oy, Oy. What if she's black?

96. That's all I need is a schwarza running around in my family.

97. I don't care if she's blue, purple or green.

98. Polka dots might bother me.

99. Who are you?

100. I'm Angelo ferraro, and do I have the pleasure?

101. Well, I'm Mrs. Hirsch. I'm Nelson's mother.

102. What? You want to see my ID?

103. No, no, no. Sorry. Excuse me. Please, come in.

104. Thank you.

105. Oh.

106. I thought that Nelson would be home by now.

107. Oh, he just called.

108. Oh, thank you.

109. Yeah, you can probably still reach him at the office.

110. Oh.

111. Have we met?

112. I'm Nelson's decorator.

113. Yeah, just kind of making some suggestions here and there

114. and pray to the almighty that he listens.

115. Well, I've never seen this apartment looking so beautiful.

116. Oh, you really think so?

117. I do.

118. In fact, I wonder if you would come out to my house

119. and give me a little advice.

120. Oh, I would be delighted.

121. I would love that.

122. Sybil?

123. Hi.

124. Hey, Sybil.

125. Sybil, this is Mrs. Hirsch, Nelson's mother.

126. Oh, hi. I'm Sybil Williams.

127. So nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you.

128. Likewise, I assure you.

129. I live downstairs, and your Darling son

130. lets me use his jacuzzi all the time.

131. - Oh, really? Jacuzzi? - Um-hmm.

132. - Sybil? - Uh-huh.

133. May I have a word with you, maybe privately?

134. Oh yeah.

135. I, um, I actually was going to go get some candles

136. for the apartment. All right. Bye.

137. Sybil, I want to talk to you.

138. You know, I'm from California,

139. and these lips refuse to give into the New York weather.

140. Yes, I know.

141. Is there something wrong?

142. No, no, no, no, no.

143. I don't... I mean, I'm fine,

144. and you're fine,

145. and I thank you very much for everything.

146. Oh, sure.

147. I just thought maybe you'd want to, you know?

148. What? Not me. I'm not like that.

149. You don't have to worry about that with me.

150. Well, I'm not worried about it.

151. Have I seen you somewhere before?

152. Sure. Have you read playpen this month, maybe?

153. Oh, playpen, oh.

154. Why, do you have a problem with that, Mrs. Hirsch?

155. Oh, no, no. It's just... It's very interesting.

156. Would you like to join me?

157. I mean, there's room in here for two.

158. No, no, no.

159. Nelson and I always fit.

160. I'm already very clean.

161. Okay.

162. But thank you. You're so kind.

163. Thank you for inviting me.

164. - Okay. - Maybe some other time.

165. Nelson and you take jacuzzis together?

166. Oh, all the time.

167. We love it.

168. Well, you know, we do more than just jacuzzi together.

169. We go to the theater.

170. We go to dance clubs.

171. We like to, you know,

172. - boogie. - Boogie?

173. Yeah, boogie.

174. And he handles my finances

175. because I don't know anything about money.

176. Ah!

177. Bubeleh, I am so happy that you and Nelson are so close.

178. But, please, enjoy your jacuzzi. Carry on.

179. I will.

180. - Sybil? - Mrs. Hirsch?

181. Oh, no, no. Please, just call me Shirley.

182. Sybil, I want to know how you really feel about my son.

183. Nelson is a lovely, caring, wonderful person,

184. so sweet. We have so much fun together.

185. He's very, really, you know, special.

186. Beautiful. Beautiful.

187. Uh, by the way...

188. What college did you say you graduated from?

189. I didn't say, but if it interests you,

190. it was a private institution.

191. A private institution? Oh.

192. Yes, very, very private.

193. Very private? Well good.

194. - Yeah. - Excellent. That is great!

195. Sybil?

196. Is that a Jewish name?

197. I don't think so.

198. Tateleh.

199. Uh, Linda.

200. - Linda, this is... - Oh, hi, Mrs. Hirsch.

201. - Hi! - This is, new. Okay?

202. - Okay. - Take care of that. Thanks.

203. Shirley? What are you...?

204. That my dear, is Nelson's girlfriend.

205. What?

206. - Go in my office. - Okay.

207. Wow. Are you kidding?

208. Nelson is dating a centerfold?

209. No. She is the centerfold of the month,

210. and as I suspected, I think she's a shiksha.

211. Who cares?

212. Martin.

213. How do you know she's not Jewish?

214. Because I just came from his apartment.

215. I met her.

216. - Martin? - Huh?

217. You can put your tongue back into your mouth now.

218. What'd you do? You barged into his house?

219. Right? You shouldn't do that, Shirley.

220. Don't be ridiculous.

221. Mother's barge, and I'm his mother,

222. so I have barging rights.

223. Nelson's 25 years old. He's a grown man.

224. I am still his mother.

225. I don't think you have a right to spy on 'em.

226. Don't tell me about my rights.

227. Look at her, just look at her.

228. You could stop looking at her now.

229. Well, you know. A centerfold fell for my boy. I'm proud of him.

230. You are...

231. - Ah! - Good morning, Shirley.

232. Good morning, uncle Moishe.

233. - You going to the toilet? - No.

234. Come on. It's my magazine, uncle Moishe.

235. - Yours? - Yeah.

236. - Good. - Take it home with you.

237. Don't leave it here if you want your husband to get some work

238. done today so he can feed you and the rest of the family.

239. I thought we were rich enough so that Martin didn't have to work

240. as hard anymore, he could take it a little easy.

241. We're not so rich that he can waste his time reading

242. that cockamamie garbage during working hours.

243. Did you finish the shipment to Japan?

244. Here. If you go out. You'll take a look.

245. You'll see it's almost all done, all right?

246. Hurry, or you'll miss it.

247. I have no idea why I still work for that man.

248. Don't be a schmeggege.

249. You're the only family he's got, and he pays you a lot of money,

250. and one day you're gonna inherit this entire business.

251. One day? Yeah? You think so?

252. I don't think he's ever gonna die.

253. Oh, everybody dies.

254. Not him.

255. He's 80 years old.

256. For him, that's middle-aged.

257. You know, I think I like her.

258. Yeah?

259. I mean, she seemed like a nice girl.

260. Great.

261. Except how do we explain her to him?

262. Who cares? What does it matter?

263. If uncle Moishe ever finds out

264. that your son is marrying a shiksha

265. playpen centerfold of the month,

266. he'll can your ass on the spot.

267. He'll run to his lawyer, and he'll change the will.

268. What do you expect me to do about that, Shirley?

269. Oh, as usual, do what you do best.

270. Do nothing.

271. Marty?

272. Yeah?

273. Why don't you come over here with the real men?

274. I'm over here with the real weights.

275. You got time for some Texas hold 'em?

276. Uh, no. Shirley and I are busy tonight.

277. You gonna hump tonight?

278. I don't think that everybody in the entire gym heard you.

279. Jesus, Max.

280. Not everything is about sex.

281. You are getting old.

282. You got nothing to worry about.

283. Your father lived to be 103 years old,

284. schtooping all the way.

285. Your obsessed with this subject.

286. Just like my uncle Moishe. He's 80.

287. Uncle Moishe still schtoops?

288. - You like that word, huh? - Yeah.

289. Apparently, women like the sound of crackling old bones

290. as long as it comes with the sound of crackling old money.

291. Money can buy you anything.

292. Can't buy love, Max.

293. You just won't spend enough.

294. I'm talking about true love, Max.

295. Marty, it can and will buy anything.

296. What are you saying, that I bought your sister?

297. Are you kidding? She was on special.

298. So how's that nephew, the boychik, Nelson?

299. Is he still making a killing in real estate?

300. Yes. He's doing well, thanks.

301. Schtooping?

302. Uh, yes. I guess he is. I'm sure he is.

303. Like father, like son.

304. I've given this a lot of thought,

305. and I think it's time that you know what's going on in my life.

306. Yes, yes, honey. I know all about her.

307. What? No, no, no. Mom, you're not listening.

308. There is no she in my life.

309. Yes, dear. Martin, where is my

310. super moisturizing Mac day cream?

311. I don't believe your father uses my creams.

312. He thinks they make him look younger.

313. Old men are so stupid.

314. You know they only work on women.

315. Anyway, where the Hell were we, huh?

316. Oh yes, I am warning you

317. that I am going to start a full fledged campaign

318. to get her out here and introduce her

319. to the whole family.

320. Well, maybe not the whole family.

321. Oh, you know what?

322. You could invite her to your cousin's wedding tomorrow.

323. - Mom, I... - Oh, maybe not. I don't know.

324. This is so hard for me to tell you,

325. and you're not making it any easier.

326. Yes dear, yes, yes, yes.

327. I'm gay.

328. God, Andrea, where is my hairbrush?

329. Oh here it is.

330. Andrea, have you been using this brush?

331. This is not my tangled hair in here.

332. - No. Leave alone. - Ugh.

333. Ugh!

334. Mom, please listen to me.

335. You have no idea

336. the IQ level I am dealing with in this household.

337. All right, go on. Go on.

338. Mom, I'm...

339. - Gay. - Oy Vey iz mir.

340. Again, your mother's being tortured.

341. Where are my tweezers?

342. You know, honey, I am so late.

343. I'm hysterical.

344. Let's talk about this tomorrow, okay?

345. I'm sending you love.

346. I'm sending you hugs and kisses and give tootsy face my love,

347. okay?

348. Mm, mm, mm, mwa!

349. I love you. I love you. I love you. Bye bye.

350. Oy yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy.

351. Not bad.

352. Hey.

353. - Hi. - Hi.

354. What's the matter?

355. My mother's the matter.

356. Like I've always said,

357. "if it's not one thing, it's your mother.L"

358. I tried to tell her about us today.

359. And?

360. She's too wrapped up in her own world to listen.

361. Oh, well, it's not the end of the world.

362. When I finally tell her, and she screams gevalt,

363. it will be the end of the world.

364. Hey, like I said, it's no biggie.

365. There's more.

366. She wants to introduce Sybil to the entire Hirsch family.

367. Tomorrow at the wedding.

368. Wait.

369. You're not taking me to the wedding?

370. I didn't say that.

371. Because we agreed to tell both our families before my birthday.

372. Yes, I know, but you...

373. Maybe we should think about this a little differently.

374. Don't you think that we should

375. tell our parents first that we're gay

376. and let that sink in a little bit,

377. and then when they're ready to accept it...

378. Fully accept it...

379. Then we can tell them about us.

380. You know what? I could be a bitch, too.

381. Take Sybil.

382. It's too soon.

383. They're not ready yet.

384. You know, sometimes...

385. Sometimes it feels like the whole damn world isn't ready.

386. Hey, hey, hey.

387. Fucking buckaroo you.

388. It's your birthday soon.

389. What do you want to do?

390. You remembered.

391. You sneaky little bushy fox.

392. I want to go Brennan's for breakfast

393. and then I want to go to Antoine's for dinner

394. and then I want to go to a club,

395. and I want to dance with you until the cows come home.

396. Or, we could have it here.

397. Nice, warm and intimate.

398. In the apartment?

399. Oh, right, in the apartment, where no one can see us.

400. That's... that's great, Nelson.

401. It's not what I meant.

402. Come out, come out, oh Romeo.

403. You shall suffocate thy fine self in there.

404. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, you're out,

405. and you could never go back in.

406. I won't let you.

407. I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow the door down.

408. Angelo?

409. This isn't funny anymore.

410. Open this door immediately.

411. Come on!

412. Okay, okay.

413. You can come with me,

414. tomorrow,

415. to the wedding.

416. Thank you.

417. God, what am I gonna wear?

418. Martin? Come here a minute.

419. Let me see you.

420. What?

421. Oh, you can't wear that shirt, honey.

422. You just wore it last week to aunt Sandy's funeral.

423. Oh.

424. Wedding, funeral, what's the difference?

425. What was that?

426. Huh? Yeah, um, I'm changing the shirt.

427. What are you looking at?

428. The last time you made a decision was getting married.

429. Whatever it is, could it wait until after the wedding?

430. Mom, I'm bringing someone very special with me

431. to the wedding today.

432. That is so exciting.

433. I know everybody's gonna love to meet her.

434. I wish you'd give her a crash course in being Jewish.

435. She'll come to a Jewish wedding.

436. No, Mom, you don't understand.

437. Okay. Don't be late. I love you.

438. Hey, you like me in red?

439. No, no. You love me in red.

440. You're always saying, "let's go, let's go",

441. and as usual you're the one we're waiting for.

442. Hold your horses. I'm coming.

443. I hate weddings.

444. Oh, shush.

445. What are you wearing?

446. I buy you all those beautiful clothes,

447. and you never put them on.

448. Ugh.

449. Gevalt.

450. He's bringing her,

451. which means he wants to introduce her to the family,

452. which means he's serious about her,

453. and if he's serious about her,

454. we have to get serious about her, too.

455. So, I say let's get it out in the open.

456. It almost may be time for him to announce his engagement.

457. This is my son.

458. This is his fiancee.

459. No, she's not Jewish.

460. Yes, she was on the cover of playpen magazine last week.

461. No, not just a centerfold, but the centerfold of the year.

462. My sister-in-law Sophie, she faints.

463. You, pick her up off the floor. Uncle Moishe, he storms out.

464. Next week, you're collecting unemployment.

465. The question is, are we happy?

466. The answer, if Nelson's happy, we're happy.

467. Where's Nelson?

468. Oh, he'll be here any minute.

469. - Hello. - Hello, Max.

470. So? Well?

471. Soon, soon. He'll be here soon.

472. Shirley, you look wonderful. I love that outfit.

473. Thank you, Max.

474. Why don't you buy Sophie a new dress?

475. He just bought me one. This one.

476. I'm sorry.

477. Max, Sophie, I want you to prepare yourself

478. because Nelson is not coming alone.

479. He's bringing somebody very, very special.

480. Mazel Tov.

481. Who's the lucky one?

482. They both are.

483. I hope you took your digitalis this morning.

484. You didn't tell me he was seeing someone.

485. Well, I didn't know.

486. How could you not know?

487. I didn't know, okay?

488. Now, I know, and now you know,

489. and when you know, everybody knows.

490. Her name is Sybil.

491. Sybil? A shiksha?

492. How did you know?

493. What else would a Sybil be? Shiksha.

494. Well, she's on the cover of playpen.

495. - No. - Yes.

496. She is the playpen cover girl centerfold of the decade.

497. - No! - Yes.

498. What does she do for a living?

499. I'm not sure.

500. Nelson, with a centerfold?

501. Where did he find her?

502. I don't know, but I'm glad he found her.

503. Max, what's a playpen center girl fold?

504. Something you will never be.

505. Come on, Max. You talk too much.

506. Always with the talking, talking, talking

507. and after the talking, there's more talking.

508. Max, why don't you buy Sophie a new dress.

509. You don't have any children.

510. What are you gonna do with all your money?

511. Take it with you?

512. Buy your wife a new dress.

513. Max, do you realize that girl is not Jewish?

514. How do you know that?

515. How could a Sybil be Jewish?

516. Doesn't sound Jewish to me?

517. Who's not Jewish?

518. Oh, uncle Moishe.

519. Who is not Jewish?

520. The president.

521. So, where's Nelson? Is he here?

522. No, he's not here yet.

523. What's your problem?

524. No, no.

525. Uncle Moishe, he can turn any day into Yom Kippur.

526. Yeah, and look at my Darling meshugganah sister-in-law.

527. She is telling the whole congregation

528. about Nelson already.

529. Oh, here they are.

530. Who's that with him?

531. Oh, that's his uh, painter, decorator guy.

532. Oh! What's he doing here?

533. How the Hell should I know? I didn't invite him.

534. Hey.

535. Hi.

536. Finally.

537. Hello.

538. Where's, uh...?

539. Hi Mom.

540. Hello, Mrs. Hirsch.

541. Hello.

542. Oh, Dad, you haven't met Angelo.

543. Mom just told me. Decorator?

544. Yes. So great to meet you.

545. Yeah. You, too.

546. Let me show you the Yarmulkes.

547. This is Andrea, Nelson's sister.

548. He would've figured that out, Dad.

549. Okay.

550. - Hi. - Hi.

551. So, I thought you were bringing the centerfold?

552. No, I told you I was bringing someone very special.

553. Sybil's special, but she's not very special.

554. Oh.

555. Well, is she coming?

556. I mean, we've been waiting for her.

557. Who?

558. Sybil.

559. Uh, she couldn't make it.

560. Ladies and gentlemen, baruch hashem,

561. wedding ceremony is about to begin.

562. We better go in, I guess.

563. Well, I'm gonna miss seeing her.

564. I don't know if you have one.

565. You have to put one of these on.

566. Oh, you know what? I actually... I brought one, so thank you.

567. What! Where did you get that?

568. Oh, I made it.

569. Wow. Look at this. You made this?

570. Yeah. You like it?

571. Yeah. I've never seen one like it.

572. Yeah. Thanks.

573. Yeah. Is it on right?

574. Yes. As long as it's on your head, it's perfect.

575. - Yeah? - You could make a killing selling that.

576. - Well, we'll talk about that later. - Mm hmm.

577. Amen.

578. Okay, put it on the right finger.

579. Repeat after me.

580. Mom, I'm gay.

581. Mother, I'm gay.

582. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

583. I'm gay.

584. - Martin. - I'm sorry.

585. Nelson has something to say to you.

586. What?

587. Hey.

588. Dad, I'm gay.

589. Mm, all right. That's good. That's nice.

590. Okay.

591. Your son is a homosexual.

592. What did you just say?

593. He said he's gay.

594. - Dad. - Shhh!

595. Andrea, please.

596. Shhh. The rabbi's gay?

597. Well, yeah, and the pope's Jewish.

598. The rabbi's gay?

599. Shoosh out there!

600. - Marty? - Uh-huh?

601. Nelson just said he's gay.

602. What?

603. He's gay.

604. Your son.

605. What are you, what am I talking about?

606. What are we talking...? He's a homosexual. He's gay.

607. We're in a synagouge...

608. - He said it first. - Said what first?

609. Your son is trying to tell you that he is gay.

610. Mazel Tov!

611. Martin, you're drunk.

612. Well, not quite, but I'm getting there as fast as I can.

613. Pour me some.

614. More.

615. I don't know. It's usually so obvious.

616. I know, isn't it?

617. Like with that um, decorator guy, Angelo.

618. Iit's obvious. But not with our boy, not with Nelson.

619. Have you ever noticed anything?

620. Well, he is so sensitive.

621. Well, he's a lot more than that now.

622. Well, you thought he was gonna marry some bimbo from a sex magazine.

623. You don't have to worry about that anymore.

624. You happy now?

625. Happy? What? Do I look happy?

626. What? Do I sound happy?

627. Am I happy?

628. No, I'm not happy!

629. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

630. Oy Vey my son is gay.

631. All right. That's enough, enough, enough.

632. That's enough! All right. I don't, I don't want to talk about it.

633. What are you doing?

634. I'm getting tired of all this.

635. - Stop it! - Shit!

636. I don't want to think about it anymore.

637. Let's watch football.

638. Ahh, my boys.

639. You know you're crazy.

640. I know.

641. Honey?

642. Football isn't making me happy.

643. According to Fresno state university researcher,

644. Melvin Reardon, 43% of teens in this country

645. now tell pollsters they are gay, lesbian, bisexual

646. or questioning their sexual orientation.

647. Catholic bishops throughout the nation

648. are urging parents of gay children

649. to demonstrate love for their sons and daughters

650. and to recognize that generally homosexual orientation

651. is experienced as given from birth

652. not as something freely chosen.

653. Catholic bishops are saying that?

654. Oh shush, shush, shush!

655. There is widespread evidence that homosexuality is a fad

656. among young people throughout the nation.

657. More from our correspondent, Alice gerble.

658. Here and on college campuses around the nation,

659. the term "gay until graduation", is being used

660. to describe those experimenting with gay sex.

661. Now, recently you changed your name from John to jan.

662. Can you tell us why?

663. I was living a lie.

664. I've given in to who I am.

665. Changing my name from John to jan

666. was just my way of feeling more complete.

667. Well, what about all the controversy surrounding

668. your decision?

669. I haven't felt any negativity.

670. It's all about freedom.

671. Freedom to make choices that bring you happiness.

672. Thanks so much, jan.

673. Well, there ya have it, folks.

674. Gay isn't just becoming okay.

675. It's cool.

676. Reporting live, I'm Alice gerble.

677. What the Hell happened to the world

678. while we were at that wedding?

679. The world didn't change overnight, Marty.

680. It's just we weren't paying attention.

681. I don't get it.

682. How did he get this way?

683. Huh?

684. How, why did he... do you think it was me?

685. - I don't think so. - I don't think so either.

686. I mean, when I was a kid,

687. I wanted to schtoop anything that walked.

688. - Anything that moved. - In a skirt.

689. What if it was in his books, you know?

690. Books? What books?

691. The damn books you wanted me to read standing on my head

692. or if I was upside down, the sumokutro?

693. - Oh, the kamasutra! - Kamasutra, 101 positions.

694. I think we tried them all.

695. What if one night we left the door open by accident,

696. and he came by the door.

697. You think if he saw us, it scared him?

698. It scared me.

699. Oh.

700. What's happening to our boy?

701. I don't know either.

702. Maybe it's you.

703. - Me? - You, yeah, you.

704. - What are you talking about me? - Your side of the family.

705. My side of the family? Oh, please. Don't be ridiculous.

706. My grandmother had 11 children.

707. Somebody was doing the schtooping.

708. I know, but you got to admit

709. that the men on your side of the family

710. are a little wishy washy.

711. Wishy washy? They're not wishy washy.

712. They're successful huge businessmen with big families.

713. Oh really, and half the boys in that family are bald,

714. which is saying something about them.

715. I have no idea what, and the other half are a little iffy.

716. Iffy?

717. - Yeah, like your brother, Max. - Max? Don't you go there.

718. You're crossing into psychotic territory.

719. Exactly.

720. My brother, Max, is a wonderful man.

721. Who is incapable of having children.

722. - True, true. - But he's still a menchy man.

723. He's a menchy man who spends half his life

724. in a men's health club.

725. And so do you.

726. Not for that reason.

727. What about your brother, Eddie?

728. He is 47 years old, and he's not married.

729. My brother, Eddie, is 45 years old.

730. - He is 47. - All right.

731. And what about your cousin, Seymour?

732. - Leave Seymour out of it. - Oh, Seymour is 42 years old.

733. - So? - Never been married.

734. - So? - He lives in San Francisco, and he is an actor.

735. - Yeah. - And that's your family.

736. Don't you talk about my family like that.

737. My father was able to lift 300 pounds.

738. Oh, the most he ever lifted was 300 pounds of his wife's tuchus.

739. At least it was a female tukhus.

740. Oh, please. Just leave me alone.

741. - I'll tell you... - What!

742. I will tell you about the men on my side of the family.

743. My father schtooped himself to death.

744. You forgot how he died?

745. How could I forget, with his 20-year-old secretary.

746. - Exactly! - Yeah!

747. You know that schmuck would've been better off if he was gay.

748. And his brother, my uncle Moishe, 80 years old!

749. Still the biggest womanizer in all of Brooklyn.

750. Yeah, and I wish you were a little bit more like your uncle Moishe.

751. What are you talking about? What?

752. Well, I don't want to hurt your feelings, Marty,

753. but I mean in the last few months,

754. you know, Zitto, noth... Nothing, Zippo.

755. You think I lost it, huh?

756. No, I don't think you lost it. I think it's resting.

757. It's in semi-retirement.

758. Semi-retirement? Hold this.

759. - You hold it. - What are you doing?

760. You want to know about the men on my side of the family?

761. I'll tell you about the men on my side of the family.

762. This is the men on my side of the family.

763. What is this? A threat?

764. Take it however you want it.

765. Whatever will start your motor, honey.

766. Okay, this is my side of the family.

767. You, get your ass up here. Get up here.

768. Should I call 911?

769. Call whoever you want. It's not gonna help you.

770. All right, all right, all right.

771. If I had known this was gonna happen,

772. I wish we'd found out about Nelson sooner.

773. There's not one gay bone in my body, right?

774. No, no, no more. I want more.

775. - What? - I want more.

776. In order to form an opinion, I need more.

777. No, it's not gonna work.

778. Yes, sure, it will. Sure, it will.

779. - My arm. - Move your arm.

780. Come here. Come here.

781. You wanted more. You're getting more.

782. Oh, God!

783. Good afternoon, Mr. Hirsch.

784. Good afternoon.

785. Very colorful.

786. Glad you like it.

787. I didn't say I liked it. I said it was colorful.

788. These clothes are what's in today.

789. Are they?

790. That's terrific.

791. Sorry.

792. Sorry.

793. Why do I have to do this?

794. Because you're homophobic.

795. Why because I didn't like Nudleman's shirt?

796. Come on, honey. Forget Nudleman.

797. You have to go in and face your fears

798. or else you're never gonna be able to handle any of this.

799. Go on.

800. Come on. I love you.

801. If I'm not out of there in ten minutes. Call the police.

802. I promise.

803. All right.

804. Behave.

805. The gentleman on the end said the drink's on him.

806. I don't want to be on him.

807. I don't live far from here.

808. What? Sorry?

809. Like, if you're looking for an engagement ring,

810. - I'm not your guy. - Oh, no.

811. But if you want to make the best of what's left of the night...

812. No, no. I'm... No offense but I'm not like you.

813. That's all right. Opposites attract, and I dig older men.

814. I am not that old.

815. Oh, little sensitive?

816. No. I'm not here for...

817. I'm actually here just to do a little research.

818. Oh, well, sorry professor.

819. Let me know if you need a specimen.

820. I'll be back to check in on you.

821. Can hardly wait.

822. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

823. It was so much better in the old days

824. when courtship was in fashion.

825. Now, it's strictly fast food.

826. My name's Skip.

827. Now, don't ask me where it comes from

828. and it's not short for anything,

829. and neither am I.

830. What's your name?

831. Uh, I'm Martin.

832. - Look... - Do you mind if I call you Marty?

833. Call me whatever you want, skippy.

834. I'm not really...

835. I wouldn't mind being your bicycle seat.

836. Look, I got to be far away from you.

837. Sorry.

838. Martin?

839. Oh, my God.

840. - Martin Hirsch? - I don't know who you are.

841. Oh honey, I don't care if you know the girl or not.

842. You got to stop peeing on me.

843. I'm sorry.

844. It's me, Martin.

845. Martin.

846. Martin Hirsch.

847. I know you're in there.

848. Martin, it's me, Nudleman.

849. Well, let's just leave 'em.

850. Ooh.

851. Careful.

852. Oh, Jesus Christ.

853. Unh, shit!

854. It's raining men, hallelujah...

855. - Drive, fast. - Honey?

856. - Just go. - What's going on?

857. Don't even ask. Just go, go.

858. - Go, go. Let's get the Hell out of here. - Okay, okay. Relax.

859. Are you kidding me with that music?

860. Has the whole world gone gay?

861. What happened in there?

862. - Shirley, I saw Max in there. - You saw Max in there?

863. - These two guys came onto me. - Wait a sec. What?

864. - Incredibly embarrassing. - Just wait a second.

865. - Get back to the Max part. - Well, I saw him in there.

866. - He's there. - Max? My brother?

867. - Yeah. - He's been married for 20 years.

868. A lot of married guys go into bars like that, Shirley.

869. They call them AC/DC.

870. Max AC/DC. Don't be ridiculous.

871. Well, what can I tell ya. He's in there and so is Nudleman.

872. - Nudleman? From the office? - Yes. In a dress.

873. - Oh my God! - And he saw me.

874. Everybody's in there? What about Nelson?

875. And the decorator?

876. No, Nelson is nothing like those guys.

877. He's completely different.

878. Nelson's problem is just... He doesn't understand women

879. or maybe he's never found a woman that understands him.

880. Women just don't understand men altogether.

881. It's probably why this happens to so many of 'em.

882. What? You are making no sense to me at all.

883. Why are there so many gay guys?

884. You should've seen that place, Shirley.

885. It was completely packed, and I think it's because...

886. I don't know it's because of the way treat men.

887. - What? - Yeah.

888. That is the most insane thing I've ever heard you say.

889. You're making me very, very upset and angry.

890. Well, maybe I should've had a drink with skippy.

891. Maybe you should have.

892. Who's skippy?

893. Skippy's the guy that came onto me.

894. - What? Oh my God. - You told me to go in there.

895. - And face my fears, right? - Yeah.

896. So I did, and guess what happened?

897. - What happened? - It was kind of exciting.

898. - What? - It was a little bit...

899. You know, it's forbidden and kind of enticing?

900. Martin, Martin, Martin. Stop it!

901. Ow. It was uncomfortable and weird,

902. but it was also erotic.

903. - Erotic? - Yeah.

904. - Extreme. - You're making me sick.

905. - No, no, no. - Maybe I'm gay.

906. - Maybe you are. - Maybe I am.

907. - Maybe you are. - The whole world is gay.

908. Oh my, God is gay.

909. I'm a gay man. I'm a gay man. I'm gay til I... Oh my God!

910. I'm a gay man. I'll be gay until I die.

911. Marty.

912. I am lost and gone forever cause I'm gay til I...

913. Marty.

914. - I'm a gay man. I'm a gay man. - What are you doing?

915. What? Being gay.

916. Marty, knock it off. You're gonna make me puke.

917. God, help us.

918. - You're a mashugana. - What should we do?

919. You know what? I can't deal with this.

920. - I'm going in the house. - Give us a sign.

921. Anything.

922. Oh.

923. Thank you, God.

924. Our son's life has become one big joke to you.

925. No, no, just...

926. As far as you're concerned,

927. this is all happening to somebody else,

928. and the only way you can deal with it is to make fun of it.

929. I'm not. I'm not.

930. You just can't face it.

931. You know why it's happening to us?

932. Why?

933. In case you forgot, whatever happens to your children

934. happens to you.

935. Now, listen. All right, it's happening to me.

936. It's happening to you,

937. and what do you think we can do about it, huh?

938. First, we can try and find out who our son really is

939. and how he lives his life and who his friends are,

940. and we have to go into his world.

941. Marty, we have to go into his world

942. and try and understand it so we can become a family again.

943. Yeah, I went into his world today,

944. and I think I've had enough for a lifetime.

945. - Marty? - What?

946. If our son is really gay,

947. we have to learn to live with it.

948. I know.

949. Because he is our son.

950. I know.

951. I know.

952. I didn't know.

953. What?

954. You're so sneaky. You little devil, you.

955. Martin?

956. Yeah? Hi.

957. Um, Martin, I'd like you to meet Emmitt Bernstein.

958. What? He is the secretary for an organization called

959. the national society for gay people.

960. The what? The what society?

961. The national society for gay people.

962. May I?

963. Uh, uh yeah.

964. It's a gay organization. We fight for our rights.

965. We print brochures.

966. We even publish our own newspaper.

967. Uh-huh.

968. Hello.

969. Uh, we do this.

970. There ya go.

971. I'm Emmit's friend, Lance Smith.

972. I'm a member of the committee, and chief editor of our paper,

973. the gayzette.

974. - The what? - The gayzette.

975. - Gay... gayzette. - Gayzette.

976. That's cute.

977. Yeah, so nice to meet you. I'm Martin Hirsch.

978. The pleasure's all mine, Marty. May I call you Marty?

979. No, can I call you lancy?

980. Stop.

981. This is Margaret who obviously knew you were coming.

982. Hi fellas.

983. Okay, okay.

984. So, you two are uh...

985. He's very young for an editor wouldn't you say?

986. - And very handsome. - Thank you.

987. - Thank you both very much. - And such a cute face.

988. He's actually 32.

989. He looks 18.

990. And we just celebrated his birthday yesterday.

991. Congratulations.

992. Because he looks barely legal.

993. Like I said, just happy birthday.

994. I like this man. Thank you.

995. So these gentlemen have come here to talk to us today

996. - about what it's like to be... - Okay, I see what you... fine.

997. Why don't you tell us what it's like to be...

998. Go ahead talk to us about what it's like to be...

999. You can say it. Gay.

1000. Yeah, that's the word I was desperately searching for.

1001. - They know about Nelson. - Oh, I'm thrilled.

1002. So, you both know that your son is gay?

1003. Yeah.

1004. And it comes as a bit of a surprise.

1005. A little bit.

1006. It takes a little getting used to.

1007. Kind of.

1008. I remember my parents when I told them.

1009. - They were sick. - I can imagine.

1010. I mean sick. It was as if someone had died.

1011. Died. I know that feeling.

1012. Well, we thought it would be a good idea to find out,

1013. what we should expect, what happens between, you know...?

1014. Margaret, tell Andrea no kids tonight.

1015. - We don't want to be disturbed. - Don't want to be disturbed.

1016. Okay, so this is what you wanted to do, fine.

1017. You want to know how we feel?

1018. We're just gonna lay our cards on the table.

1019. - We feel terrible. - Marty.

1020. - We feel shocked. Disappointed. - No, we don't.

1021. If she was gonna be really honest with you,

1022. she would tell you deep down inside she's horrified.

1023. I'm not horrified.

1024. This is a nightmare for our family.

1025. It's a temporary nightmare.

1026. We really don't even know if Nelson is really...

1027. - Gay, Mrs. Hirsch. - Yes.

1028. Excuse me. You have a guest.

1029. - Who? Oh, my God. - Oh my...

1030. - Oh, my God! - It's God.

1031. I was in the neighborhood.

1032. Am I interrupting?

1033. No, it's perfect.

1034. You couldn't have come at a better time.

1035. - No, I couldn't be happier. - I'm tired.

1036. Why? What's the matter? Welcome him in.

1037. Uncle Moishe! Come sit right here between Emmitt and lancy.

1038. Right here. Who are Shirley's friends by the way.

1039. She's the one that invited them.

1040. Not friends, they're associates.

1041. This is my uncle Moishe, he's my boss.

1042. I hope you're happy now.

1043. These uh, two... they belong to a gay club. Um hmm.

1044. A gay club? See? He has no idea.

1045. They're married, uncle Moishe, so you don't have to...

1046. Uh, Margaret, could you bring me a vodka, please?

1047. Bring her a triple.

1048. So, Mr. Hirsch. What do you think about sex education

1049. in the public schools.

1050. Sex eduation?

1051. I've always wanted to ask him that question.

1052. My feeling is that girls should be encouraged to stay virgins

1053. until they're married. Like in the old days.

1054. I couldn't agree with you more.

1055. But what about boys?

1056. Do you encourage masturbation?

1057. No, no. There's other ways to learn about sex.

1058. Boys should go to whore houses.

1059. Oh, my God. Moishe.

1060. What? You guys didn't do it when you were young?

1061. Not me.

1062. I don't think that they did, uncle Moishe.

1063. They didn't go to a whore house.

1064. Martin, do you have a problem?

1065. Personally, I think hookers are a bit disgusting.

1066. There is nothing healthier than a healthy hooker

1067. for a healthy sex lifestyle.

1068. Don't you think so, Martin?

1069. I'm just doing my best to pretend I'm on another planet.

1070. I'm actually worried about Nelson, okay?

1071. Nelson. Now, there's a healthy kid

1072. and nothing wrong with Nelson's sex education.

1073. Right.

1074. Hello.

1075. Hi.

1076. Please come in.

1077. Thank you.

1078. For you.

1079. Thank you so much. I love orchids.

1080. I'm glad.

1081. Almost as much as I love Nelson.

1082. You know what? Let me take these from you.

1083. Here we go.

1084. Thank you.

1085. There you go. The apartment looks great.

1086. Please come in. Make yourselves at home.

1087. Nelly, your parents are here.

1088. Wow. Wow. My table never looks this nice.

1089. Yeah.

1090. - Hi, honey. - Hi.

1091. Oh, well make yourselves comfortable.

1092. What are you drinking?

1093. Oh, I'll wait 'til dinner.

1094. I'll have some wine with dinner.

1095. I'll have a double scotch, okay.

1096. Marty?

1097. Uh, wine with dinner.

1098. I should warn you.

1099. I tried to cook with as little salt as possible.

1100. That's very smart of you, Angelo.

1101. - Isn't it, Marty? - What? It's brilliant.

1102. Do you use a salt substitute?

1103. No, I don't.

1104. I kind of find it leaves a weird aftertaste in my mouth.

1105. Yeah, I know.

1106. - Would you like? - I'll take one.

1107. Go ahead, Marty. Have a...

1108. Yeah, I'm gonna have one a little bit later.

1109. - No, have one. - I'll have one a little later.

1110. Mmm. Delicious.

1111. Well, I have to tell you how long it takes

1112. to get these catape just right.

1113. For me, literally it takes me just as long to pick out

1114. a cute little outfit for the gym.

1115. I hated it.

1116. Did you hear that thing about the gym?

1117. Marty, yes I did.

1118. Behave yourself, would you, please?

1119. I didn't put a catape in my purse.

1120. Oh, stop it.

1121. - More? - Oh, no thank you.

1122. - Dad? - I wouldn't mind a refill.

1123. He's gonna have a couple of coffee. Okay.

1124. Thank you.

1125. Thanks.

1126. Anyone like any after dinner drinks?

1127. No, thank you.

1128. Okay.

1129. Angelo, it was a terrific meal.

1130. Oh, thank you.

1131. It was very good. Thank you.

1132. Thank you.

1133. Guys,

1134. how can I explain to you

1135. why I am the way I am any better than you can explain

1136. why you are the way you are?

1137. Oh, I think I can explain why I am the way I am.

1138. Marty, Marty. Shoosh, please.

1139. Look, what you need to understand is that

1140. this doesn't have anything to do with you.

1141. I am who I am.

1142. I've been this way ever since I can remember,

1143. probably since I was born.

1144. We understand.

1145. I don't think I understand.

1146. Marty, please, shush. Not now.

1147. What can I say to you that you haven't already read about

1148. or heard or seen?

1149. I'm gay.

1150. I don't steal. I don't do drugs.

1151. I don't kill. I'm just gay.

1152. I don't think that I should have to be dishonest to myself

1153. just so that you two can be comfortable.

1154. I want to be true to myself just like Angelo is true to himself.

1155. Can I say how I feel?

1156. Not now. This is not the time.

1157. No, Mom. This is the time.

1158. Shush.

1159. Mom, let him say what he has to say.

1160. Angelo, could I have a word alone with my son, please?

1161. No, no. Sit down, Angelo.

1162. Mom, I want you to accept Angelo as part of the family.

1163. That's how I feel about him.

1164. Look, I have a suggestion.

1165. Take it slow because you never know.

1166. Mom, I know.

1167. We know.

1168. How do you know?

1169. You've just begun to live.

1170. I mean, how do you know about we?

1171. How do you know about you?

1172. Honey, it's too soon. You...

1173. Just think about it.

1174. Do I have to spell this out for you?

1175. Angelo's not the first one.

1176. There's been more of them?

1177. Huh? Yeah.

1178. - Marty? - Uh...

1179. Marty, are you all right?

1180. No.

1181. Uh, listen, Nelson, why don't you and me take a ride, okay?

1182. Just father and son. Is that okay with you, Angelo?

1183. - Yeah. - What are you doing?

1184. I'm just gonna talk alone to my son. Is that okay with you?

1185. No. It's not all right with me.

1186. It's too bad because I'm gonna do it anyway.

1187. - Where are you going? - I don't know.

1188. I'm just gonna go have a man to man talk with my son.

1189. - I'll be back. - Okay.

1190. - Thank you. - Uh-huh.

1191. Do you have any vodka?

1192. There's a kick by Williams in mid field...

1193. He almost dropped that...

1194. - Dad? - Yeah.

1195. I thought you wanted to have a man to man conversation.

1196. I can barely hear myself think.

1197. You love this place. This is our place.

1198. We always used to come here.

1199. It's the place you and me were always on the same page.

1200. Well, yeah, we were on the same page but of two different books.

1201. What?

1202. You always liked the game, and I always liked the players.

1203. Thanks.

1204. You want your Mom and I

1205. to accept this just like that, right?

1206. Obviously, you didn't accept it just like that

1207. or you would've come to us a lot earlier.

1208. Nelson, maybe if you'd come to me sooner

1209. and together you and I could've fixed this.

1210. Dad, that's exactly why I didn't come to you earlier.

1211. There's nothing to fix. I'm not broken.

1212. You know some of those guys are gay?

1213. Only thing that's broken about them is they can't come out.

1214. Here's the pass. Nice catch. Can he spin? Yes he can.

1215. He's loose, he may go.

1216. Forty eight yard touchdown pass...

1217. Marty, why do we have to do this?

1218. They said this guy is an expert. He's the top of his field.

1219. I think his wisdom and his insight

1220. will help us turn this whole thing around.

1221. All right.

1222. I'll give it a try.

1223. A child is born.

1224. The mother is caring, warm.

1225. She breastfeeds the baby maybe four, five months.

1226. She gives the child love and Serenity,

1227. everything that the child needs.

1228. Suddenly, there's a change in the baby's life.

1229. The mother wants to live again, become productive.

1230. She no longer has the time that she used to for the boy.

1231. The little boy is at a loss.

1232. Gone is the total love and security

1233. that he's been accustomed to.

1234. The mother is no longer there like she was.

1235. So, the boy turns to the father.

1236. With him, he finds the love he lost.

1237. The boy falls in love with his father.

1238. The boy grows up and the boy remembers

1239. it was with another man where he found this contentment.

1240. I'm sorry.

1241. Well doctor, if you ever decide to go back to med school,

1242. I'll pay for it.

1243. Well, this is just one theory we could apply.

1244. I see, but you really don't know for sure.

1245. Nobody does.

1246. What about breastfeeding?

1247. I breastfed my son until he was about three.

1248. Three months?

1249. No three years.

1250. What?

1251. What?

1252. Well, there is evidence that says excessive breastfeeding

1253. can bind a boy so completely

1254. that he can't make a normal relationship with another woman.

1255. Yeah, my mother did say you were a little excessive with him

1256. when he was young.

1257. Your mother said that because she is your mother.

1258. Okay.

1259. This is very interesting, doctor.

1260. Are you telling me that there's a possibility

1261. that I may be responsible for turning my son gay?

1262. Um. Well...

1263. What?

1264. Oh, Dr. Freud, who the Hell do you think you are,

1265. you stupid little prick?

1266. - Okay, Shirley, Shirley. - Oh no, Mr. Penis envy here.

1267. How do you know what a mother's love for her son is?

1268. - Our time might be up. - You have another ten minutes.

1269. I ought to have your license revoked.

1270. Are you sure?

1271. Because she's just gonna keep going like this.

1272. You know what I gave my son?

1273. I've given my son everything.

1274. - Just write him a check. - I've loved him and loved him.

1275. You know what?

1276. I bet you never even slept with a woman. Okay...

1277. You probably don't even have a dick.

1278. - There ya go. - I'll send you the bill.

1279. - Good idea. Sure. - I'm out of here.

1280. I'm coming.

1281. Stupid piece of shit.

1282. Nice talking to you.

1283. I'm here to see Martin Hirsch.

1284. - Martin Hirsch? - Yes.

1285. Second door on your right.

1286. Okay. Thank you.

1287. Oh, hi. Come on in. Hi.

1288. - Hi. - Hi. Come on in. C'mon.

1289. Xo. Thank you, Sybil for coming. Is it okay if I call ya Sybil?

1290. - Of course. - Call me Marty.

1291. Okay, Marty.

1292. Do you want to take off... Um make yourself, take something off.

1293. Oh yeah. Sure.

1294. Oh, by the way, your wife is so sweet and lovely.

1295. Thank you for saying so.

1296. And kind, yeah, and so attractive and sexy.

1297. Yeah, she's a force of nature.

1298. Kind of like a hurricane. Yeah.

1299. - Please sit down. - Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.

1300. Can I get you anything?

1301. - Oh, no thanks, I'm fine. - You're fine?

1302. So you must be wondering why I asked you to come?

1303. Um... Yeah.

1304. I'm trying to figure out exactly how to put this.

1305. Maybe I should just come out and say...

1306. Just having a little trouble figuring out

1307. exactly what I'm gonna say.

1308. Maybe I should just come right out and just say it.

1309. Yeah, just say it.

1310. Would it be possible, do you think,

1311. for you and my son, Nelson, to...

1312. It would be a really great thing if you and my son could...

1313. If you and he somehow...?

1314. You want me to screw Nelson?

1315. Yeah.

1316. I know how it sounds.

1317. Um...

1318. It's just, uh... not gonna happen.

1319. - No? - No.

1320. He's a very good looking boy, don't ya think?

1321. Oh yeah, he's very handsome and charming.

1322. And...

1323. And? And?

1324. Gay.

1325. Yeah. There is that.

1326. I mean, but you knew that, right?

1327. I know that. See, here's what I'm thinking.

1328. Sybil, you are... you are so beautiful.

1329. You are such a sexy, if you don't mind my saying so.

1330. I'd like to see Nelson...

1331. Well, I don't want to see but if you and Nelson could somehow...

1332. Then after that a woman like you

1333. maybe my boy would veer in a different direction.

1334. No I don't... I don't think that's gonna happen.

1335. I mean, we like each other, but you know,

1336. in a friendship, friendship kind of way.

1337. Couldn't your friendship go a little deeper

1338. for 10 or 15 minutes? He's my only son.

1339. Could you imagine how I feel?

1340. I'm just thinking you're the only woman

1341. that's even close to being in his life.

1342. Maybe... I'm begging ya, Sybil,

1343. I'm begging, I'm down on my knees.

1344. If you, ow. Okay.

1345. Are you okay?

1346. Come on.

1347. Oh, sorry.

1348. I'm really sorry.

1349. That's okay.

1350. See, this is exactly what I mean.

1351. If my boy would be as close to you as I am right now,

1352. if his body was up against yours just like mine is right now,

1353. if he touched you, if he was this close,

1354. if he could see your eyes, your skin, your hair,

1355. if he saw your lips, he wouldn't be able to resist.

1356. That's just not gonna happen.

1357. Okay.

1358. - Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine.

1359. Yeah? Thank you very much though for considering him.

1360. Thank you very much.

1361. Thank you.

1362. I'm sorry if I took things the wrong way.

1363. It's okay.

1364. - Bye. - Bye bye.

1365. That went well.

1366. - Oh, excuse me. - It's okay.

1367. Wait a minute. Don't I know you?

1368. I don't think so.

1369. Oh, I've seen you. In the men's room.

1370. No, I've never been in your men's room before.

1371. Trust me.

1372. But your picture doesn't do you justice.

1373. You. You are a vision of God's gift to beauty.

1374. Come here.

1375. Now, that's a real man.

1376. Whew.

1377. Is there coffee yet? Oh, okay.

1378. Good morning, Martin.

1379. I want to meet his parents.

1380. Who's parents?

1381. Angelo's.

1382. I don't think I'm ready for that.

1383. It's time, Martin.

1384. It's time.

1385. I want to get to know his family,

1386. and I'm sure he would like to get to know us a little.

1387. Why? So we can find out which one's the bride

1388. and we'll know who's paying for the wedding?

1389. Martin, it's obvious our son has decided to settle down.

1390. Yeah, well, I don't think it was a match made in Heaven.

1391. Maybe it is.

1392. Maybe it is. And that's the only answer that I

1393. can find acceptable right now.

1394. - I want to meet his parents. - Oh, God.

1395. I am Nelson's mother, and I am entitled.

1396. Maybe you can meet them some time after

1397. I've had a heart attack and dropped dead.

1398. - Martin, please. - We're going. I'm thrilled.

1399. - It's important. - Absolutely.

1400. Happiest day of my life.

1401. I love you, Martin.

1402. Kill me now.

1403. Look, all I'm asking is that you guys just meet them.

1404. No.

1405. I'd like to meet Nelson's mother.

1406. Why?

1407. So I can talk to her.

1408. Maybe share some feelings with her.

1409. I think it was very nice of her to even suggest

1410. that we get together.

1411. It tells me where her heart is.

1412. Come on, pop.

1413. I don't like the way they treated you

1414. and the way they treat their own son.

1415. Come on. I can make a nice dinner right here at the house.

1416. What is this, an engagement party?

1417. If we're gonna meet these people,

1418. it's not gonna be in this house.

1419. Oh, no, no, no, no.

1420. Not in our house and nowhere in our neighborhood either.

1421. Well, where then?

1422. Well, you want to meet them, they're Italian,

1423. what about an Italian restaurant?

1424. An Italian restaurant?

1425. What do you want a contract on my life?

1426. What are you talking about?

1427. Listen, honey, we're sicilian, right?

1428. The boys find out back home, I'm good as dead.

1429. I'm gonna be sleeping with the fishes.

1430. Carmine, stop it.

1431. You're blood pressure's going up,

1432. and you're gonna give us both a heart attack.

1433. Now, we're gonna meet them,

1434. so where do you want to do it?

1435. They're Jewish, right?

1436. Let's go for Chinese food.

1437. Your father would never go into a Chinese restaurant.

1438. They're too many people he could run into.

1439. What about Sushi?

1440. Oh, forget it. The Japanese buy from us. They're out.

1441. And besides that, I hate anything raw.

1442. I say if it's still breathing throw it in the ocean.

1443. While you're at it, forget about the Vietnamese, the Korean

1444. and the thais because they're all Hirsch buyers

1445. so anything Asian is unacceptable,

1446. and these days don't even think French

1447. and Italian is too heavy and Mexican gives me gas.

1448. - Take off your coat. - We're not staying long.

1449. Oh, yes we are.

1450. - Hello. - Oh, hi.

1451. I hope we haven't kept you waiting.

1452. Oh, no. We just got here.

1453. This is my husband, Martin.

1454. - Marty. - Hi, I'm Teresa.

1455. My friends call me Terry.

1456. Well then, I'm gonna call you Terry.

1457. And this is my husband, carmine.

1458. - Nice to meet you. - How do you do, carmine?

1459. My pleasure. Nice to meet you.

1460. - I'm Marty. - How are you?

1461. This is our daughter, Andrea.

1462. She's lovely, and that's our very handsome son, Anthony.

1463. How do you do, very handsome son.

1464. How are you? Nice to meet you.

1465. Well, shall we sit?

1466. Yeah. Yeah.

1467. What is everybody drinking?

1468. - Oh. - Oh boy.

1469. How you doing?

1470. - Go ahead. - Thank you.

1471. Oh, I'd like a glass of white wine, please.

1472. No wine. Only vodka.

1473. Uh, how about a strawberry daiquiri?

1474. No, Ma'am. Only vodka.

1475. Um, I guess I'll have an "only wodka" on the rocks, please.

1476. I'll have an only vodka, too.

1477. I'd like my straight up a little chilled

1478. with two olives on the side.

1479. Okay, only vodka.

1480. I don't think he heard about the olives.

1481. - You Sir? - Me?

1482. Let me have one of those Russian beers.

1483. I'll have a beer, too.

1484. Only vodka.

1485. "Only wodka." "Only wodka."

1486. Sounds like a broken record.

1487. I'll have vodka.

1488. I'll have a vodka.

1489. No, you're gonna have a coke.

1490. No.

1491. I'll have a vodka.

1492. No, she's gonna have what he's having.

1493. No vodka.

1494. You want to get a bottle?

1495. A bottle? Yeah. Let's get a bottle.

1496. Vodka, only vodka.

1497. That brand. What's that brand?

1498. The only brand.

1499. Only vodka.

1500. I hope the food's good.

1501. I want to thank you

1502. for suggesting that we get together like this.

1503. Oh, that's so sweet.

1504. Did you hear that, Martin?

1505. Yes, nice, yeah.

1506. You know, I'm glad in a way that Nelson and Angelo didn't come

1507. so we could talk more openly about, you know,

1508. what we need to talk openly about.

1509. My sentiments as well.

1510. I brought some photos of Angelo when he was growing up.

1511. I did, too.

1512. I brought pictures of Nelson.

1513. - Can we order? - Yeah, let's...

1514. You know, my stomach's growling here.

1515. What's the rush? We've got all night.

1516. - Let's order. What do you say? - Martin, wait. Relax.

1517. Hey, here's Angelo when he was a year old.

1518. Oh, my God!

1519. Is he gorgeous?

1520. Thank you.

1521. Look, Marty, is he gorgeous?

1522. Yeah. He's naked.

1523. How come he's on his belly with his ass in the air?

1524. Oh, stop.

1525. That's how all one-year-old babies are photographed.

1526. This is Nelson at his bar mitzvah.

1527. Oh, he's very handsome.

1528. Oh, carmine, look.

1529. Oh, looks a little pale in all that long hair.

1530. Looks like a girl.

1531. He's only 13.

1532. Boys don't even shave when they're 13.

1533. I started shaving when I was eight.

1534. Started shaving his back when he was eight.

1535. Here's one of Angelo when he was confirmed.

1536. Oh, beautiful.

1537. Oh, here's Nelson in high school.

1538. Oh yes. Isn't he handsome?

1539. Look.

1540. You want to share that thought?

1541. No, I don't think so.

1542. I don't think you want to hear what I have to say.

1543. - No, why don't you just say it. - Say what?

1544. Say there's something wrong with my kid.

1545. I never said there was anything wrong with your kid.

1546. - You said something. - Marty?

1547. - With that little... - I didn't say anything.

1548. Marty, I would love to dance. Let's dance. Come on.

1549. I don't think you can dance like this.

1550. Want to see a picture of my son?

1551. This is Angelo, golden gloves champ,

1552. feather weight.

1553. - Oh yeah. - That's my boy.

1554. That's when you land on your feet, right?

1555. Can I have the vodka, please?

1556. Sure. You want to see my kid. He's a sportsman?

1557. Look at him. See him on skis?

1558. - Yeah. - He's almost olympic.

1559. Almost olympic?

1560. I didn't know they gave out medals for almost olympic.

1561. Well, well, well.

1562. What do we have here?

1563. Your son was a cheerleader, a freaking male cheerleader.

1564. What about this one over here with your kid in a skirt?

1565. It wasn't a skirt. He was acting in a play.

1566. He played Julius Caesar in high school.

1567. - He was a thespian. - Oh, my condolences.

1568. It started in high school.

1569. I'm sorry about that.

1570. What the Hell is your problem?

1571. My kid didn't even know what gay was until he met your kid.

1572. I think your son kind of converted him.

1573. Dad! You don't make people gay like a Dr. Frankenstein thing, or something..

1574. People are either born gay or they're not.

1575. Maybe you should listen to your daughter.

1576. Let me ask you something.

1577. How do you know your son wasn't a finocchio

1578. before my son came along?

1579. - I don't even know what a... - Finocchio.

1580. What the Hell is a finocchio?

1581. It's like a faygala.

1582. It's not a very nice thing to say.

1583. This would probably be perfect for the Jerry springer show.

1584. I mean you might as well make some money while we're at it.

1585. This is better than springer.

1586. Oh yeah.

1587. Shirley, what are you...?

1588. What?

1589. - Shirley. - What do you want?

1590. It's electric. If you want gas, it's down there.

1591. Oh. What? You want me down on my knees?

1592. That's not a bad idea.

1593. Listen, the least you could do,

1594. if you want to kill yourself,

1595. you could at least have taken me with you.

1596. Oh, honey.

1597. Honey.

1598. I wish we could just get on a boat,

1599. sail away, find an island, just be free.

1600. Babe! There are no islands like that.

1601. I mean, there are, they're just like really expensive.

1602. You know what I mean.

1603. Yeah, I do.

1604. Hey, and you are a very sweet man.

1605. Hey, where'd did you go?

1606. What?

1607. I need to know where you stand.

1608. I don't want to hear anymore crap about boats and islands.

1609. We already live on an island, right?

1610. Our love is like our very own island.

1611. We already told our parents.

1612. What more do you want?- Oh.

1613. That's not enough, hotdog.

1614. I love you.

1615. And I want to take the next step.

1616. You know, like we talked about?

1617. Sophie, what channel? Marty, turn on the TV.

1618. They're on TV.

1619. - Who's on TV? - Who? Our boys.

1620. - What? - Channel five. Turn it on.

1621. A gay couple living together making a life together

1622. has just succeeded in tackling one of the most controversial issues

1623. in recent years.

1624. Nelson Hirsch and Angelo ferraro are getting the governor

1625. and the director of the welfare department

1626. for the state of New York to give them an adoption license.

1627. These two young gay men are adopting a child,

1628. which they will raise together in their home.

1629. How do you feel about the opposition on your decision?

1630. You know, we're just so thankful to the lord almighty

1631. that we live in this great and courageous country

1632. that allows us the freedom to live by our individual truths.

1633. We just want the same rights as any other family.

1634. Yeah, and that means having kids.

1635. I mean, the only thing we haven't decided is

1636. whether or not our son's gonna be Jewish or catholic.

1637. He has to be Jewish.

1638. There you have it.

1639. Nelson Hirsch and Angelo ferraro,

1640. a happy father and a happy father.

1641. Turn it off.

1642. Good morning, Mr. Hirsch.

1643. Shirley.

1644. Oh, hello, Sophie.

1645. How have you been? You don't call.

1646. You don't write.

1647. We never get a chance to see you and Marty anymore.

1648. Well, there's a good reason for that, Sophie.

1649. So what's new?

1650. What's new?

1651. Speaking of news, what do you think of the news?

1652. - The news. - You never called me back.

1653. Sophie, you know, I don't watch the news.

1654. I don't know what was on the news.

1655. Congratulations.

1656. Finally, you're a grandmother.

1657. Nelson had a baby, and I didn't even know he was seeing anyone.

1658. Sophie, do you know the yiddish word for fuck off?

1659. Ge kaken af em yam?

1660. That's it, but I like fuck off much better.

1661. - Up yours. - Shirley!

1662. Oh, Sophie, just leave me alone.

1663. Come on, Shirley.

1664. Come on.

1665. Listen, everybody knows about Nelson.

1666. You have to be brave.

1667. You have to face the realities of life.

1668. I don't know.

1669. I don't know why.

1670. Oh, Sophie, you don't understand what I've been going through.

1671. I mean, Martin doesn't understand what's going on

1672. and you don't know the pain I've been in.

1673. I know. I've lived with it for 20 years.

1674. I know.

1675. You know about Max?

1676. I do. I just found out, and I'm so sorry.

1677. I'm sorry.

1678. Well, it's not that bad.

1679. No, stop.

1680. Every now and then, AC/DC.

1681. You know what? I can't believe it.

1682. I just can't believe it's true.

1683. You learn to live with it, and you move on.

1684. Whatever makes people happy is all that matters.

1685. Oh.

1686. I'm sorry.

1687. Every time the phone rings I feel like I'm

1688. in court, giving testimony in my son's defense.

1689. Yeah. I don't answer the phone anymore.

1690. Even when it doesn't ring,

1691. I know there are thousands of people out there

1692. dying to call me.

1693. I'm going to avoid our family for the rest of our lives.

1694. Shirley.

1695. Oh, and I don't want a telephone.

1696. I want all the listed numbers unlisted.

1697. I can't handle this, Marty. I'm not strong enough.

1698. Don't answer it.

1699. Hello.

1700. Oh, Sophie.

1701. Yeah.

1702. They're on?

1703. Marty, they're on.

1704. Thank you, Jack.

1705. This is Christine Anderson reporting live from downtown,

1706. and unfolding behind me is what was, until 30 minutes ago,

1707. a quiet, peaceful demonstration, which escalated very rapidly

1708. into something at the other end of the spectrum.

1709. Now, from what we understand, there has been a police presence

1710. on location all morning, and there are reinforcements

1711. on their way which are quite needed at this point.

1712. At the heart of the controversy is the adoption of a baby

1713. by a gay couple, two young men,

1714. Nelson Hirsch and Angelo ferraro.

1715. Equal rights!

1716. You bunch of fruits.

1717. You're just mad because no one will have a baby with you.

1718. Excuse me, please. I got to find my son.

1719. - Hey! - Here you are.

1720. Hi, sweetheart.

1721. - Hi. - Nelson.

1722. - Oh God, look. - You started this, huh?

1723. Here comes my mashugana sister-in-law.

1724. I saw the boychik on television.

1725. I thought I could maybe lend a hand.

1726. Come on. Come on in.

1727. Oh, look at those people.

1728. God hates gays! God hates gays!

1729. Equal rights!

1730. Excuse us.

1731. Excuse us.

1732. Oh, hi, Terry.

1733. - Are you okay? - Dad, what are you doing here?

1734. What do you think I'm doing here?

1735. - Come on, look at this. - Got a little action here, huh?

1736. You! C'mon.

1737. - Are you ready or what? - To do what?

1738. - No, no, no. - See that asshole over there with the bald head?

1739. The one that looks like a cue ball?

1740. - You gonna take him? - No, he's for you.

1741. - Oh. - Bunch of mooks, huh?

1742. Yeah, it's genetics.

1743. You want a piece of me? C'mon!

1744. God hates gays!

1745. Equal rights!

1746. You don't mean to deal with me, right?

1747. No, no, no. We got Nicky here.

1748. Nick, you ready?

1749. The guys are starving for this man. Let us go.

1750. Come on carmine. Let's do it.

1751. - You want us? - Come on.

1752. - You ready? - Come on.

1753. - Say semper fi. - All right. Semper fi.

1754. Yeah.

1755. Yeah, Nicky. That's it. Hit him.

1756. Get off me, you ape.

1757. Break it up!

1758. Fights over!

1759. Hey, hey! Let me tell you something, melon head.

1760. Stay out of my neighborhood and keep your remarks to yourself.

1761. Hey, I thought you said he was for me?

1762. Oh!

1763. - You all right? - No.

1764. Let me reiterate.

1765. I see you again, me and my buddy here are

1766. gonna send you to sicily on two separate boats.

1767. - Are you hurt? - I'm all right.

1768. - He's okay. He's a trooper. - Okay. I'm all right.

1769. Excuse me, Ma'am. Ma'am?

1770. Are you willing to talk to us for a moment, please?

1771. Well I, my husband's been hurt, and I have to go.

1772. Can you just tell us why you're here today?

1773. Well, I um... just for a minute, okay?

1774. I belong here.

1775. These people here are my family.

1776. And um, I'm Shirley.

1777. I'm Shirley Hirsch,

1778. and I am the proud mother of my son, Nelson.

1779. And I'm the proud grandmother of my grandchild,

1780. the child of Nelson and Angelo,

1781. and I'm just very happy to be here today,

1782. very, very happy!

1783. Is there anything else you'd like our viewers to know today?

1784. Yes.

1785. I want them to know that, um...

1786. They have the right

1787. to love anyone that they so choose to,

1788. that they can love anyone.

1789. Thank you, bye.

1790. - Thank you, I've gotta go. - Thank you for talking to us.

1791. Very moving indeed.

1792. This is Christine Anderson, reporting live from downtown.

1793. Back to you, Jack.

1794. Everybody's coming out.

1795. Good.

1796. Okay, I need both families right here on the steps.

1797. Both families.

1798. Hirsch family over here.

1799. - Congratulations. - He's beautiful.

1800. He's snoring.

1801. Ferraro family over here.

1802. Oh, let me see that beautiful baby.

1803. - Great. - Are we proud or what?

1804. - Okay! - Smile.

1805. That's good.

1806. Now, hold it.

1807. - What are you doing here? - Stop everything.

1808. Nobody move.

1809. This boy will be circumcised.

1810. Who is this lunatic?

1811. This is my uncle Moishe.

1812. - Say hello to uncle Moishe everybody. - Hi, uncle Moishe!

1813. This boy is a member of my family.

1814. He gets circumcised.

1815. What are you gonna circumcise him on the church steps?

1816. Where else? It's perfect.

1817. Why do you want to snip him?

1818. The boy's gonna need every inch.

1819. Look who's talking.

1820. Who's the father of this baby?

1821. He is.

1822. And the mother?

1823. Well, he is.

1824. - What? - Hey, come on Moishe.

1825. Get in the picture here.

1826. Moishe, let me unburden your soul.

1827. I have a unique perspective.

1828. Come on, everybody.

1829. Okay everybody, big happy smile. Here we go!

1830. - Smile, please. - Here we go. Big smiles.

1831. Here we go. One, two...

1832. Cheese, uncle Moishe.