Osmosis Jones (2001)

1. Dad, you have the coolest job.

2. Well, sometimes I think I should be hanging out

3. with a better class of animals.

4. 'Oh, come on.'

5. Hey, have some class, will ya?

6. We got mixed company here.

7. You know, dad, genetically speaking

8. monkeys are our first cousins.

9. You mean, Uncle Bob's kids?

10. Yeah, I suppose I'd agree with that.

11. No, I'm serious.

12. Actually, some scientists say that monkey diets

13. are much more evolved than our own.

14. Oh, this is all about diets again, huh?

15. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt

16. eating more fruits and vegetables.

17. Like, like monkeys do.

18. Honey, the reason that monkeys

19. eat so many fruits and vegetables

20. is because they're not smart enough

21. to butcher a cow.

22. Your mother, God bless her soul

23. didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas

24. about nursing, breast-feeding and all that.

25. Unh-unh. You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby.

26. Now look at you. You're as big as a house.

27. You're as strong as a bull. You smell like a cow.

28. Your cholesterol's probably a little high

29. but you know, they have medicine for that now.

30. You can get an angioplasty, it will all cleared out.

31. You're doin' great, honey.

32. Alright. I'll start workin' out tomorrow.

33. I'll start taking better care of myself, okay?

34. So does that mean you'll go on the school hike with me?

35. First things first.

36. Eat your lunch.

37. We'll talk about it later.

38. Hey, give me that egg, pal.

39. Give me the egg, friendly. Come on!

40. Dad! Dad, stop it! What are you doing?

41. Hey, that's my egg! Give me that..

42. It's just an egg, dad!

43. 'Okay. Now I gotta choke ya.'

44. Ah-ha!

45. Ha!

46. Now who's evolved?

47. What's the matter, buddy?

48. All that salad slow you down?

49. Huh?

50. Dad! That's filthy!

51. Honey, ten-second rule.

52. Hits the ground, you pick it up within ten seconds

53. you can eat it. Mm.

54. Ugh!

55. Mm, mm..

56. 'Saliva One, what do you got?'

57. 'We have a 2-20 on an egg.'

58. 'Echo gamma-gamma. Over.'

59. - 'Any mayo?' - 'Uh, that's affirmative.'

60. 'We'll try and look in the bowels.'

61. 'We need that mayonnaise. Over.'

62. 'Enzyme breakdown in ten. Be careful out there.'

63. 'You know, when I was a rookie cell'

64. 'this place was clean enough to eat out of.'

65. Look at it now! Jeez! What a disgrace.

66. - See anything, kid? - Mmm. I do.

67. 'Nice genes!'

68. You got the chromosomes in all the right places!

69. - 'Jones..' - What?

70. Ain't nothing a toothbrush can't handle.

71. 'I wish you'd take this job'

72. 'a bit more seriously.'

73. Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun?

74. You see this gooey, white

75. sackus, membranous around my personhood?

76. Here we go again.

77. Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here!

78. 'I should be out in the veins fightin' disease'

79. 'not in the mouth on tartar control!'

80. You're lucky you ain't in a scab.

81. Uh-oh. Looks like we got some germs on that egg.

82. Mm, baby, it's Ozzy time!

83. It's probably gingivitis. Don't get carried away.

84. 'Halt. You have entered the city of Frank.'

85. 'Put your hands up and surrender for digestion.'

86. 'Saliva One requesting ground support. Over.'

87. Bicuspid Four. We're in the vicinity.

88. 'We're on it.'

89. 'This is a private organism.'

90. There is no use running.

91. You up spit creek without a paddle.

92. 'You see, don't make me mad'

93. "cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.'

94. Halt. Saliva patrol.

95. Son of a botulism!

96. 'They swiped the patrol car!'

97. - Get outta here! - Oh!

98. Uh-oh, you done, done it now!

99. Holy Frank!

100. 'He's about to yawn!'

101. 'We're getting sucked in!'

102. I told City Hall we need more sleep!

103. - Hold tight, kid. - Oh!

104. Osmosis jones to dispatch. We got multiple germs.

105. 'I repeat, multiple germs coming down the windpipe'

106. 'and if these bad boys hit the bloodstream'

107. 'we're gonna be illin'!'

108. 'I'm talkin' nose drippin"

109. 'chicken soup drinkin', rectal thermometer stickin' illin'!'

110. - 'Request permission..' - Chief, listen to this.

111. Ha-ha, ha-ha!

112. 'So, you got plans for the weekend, kid?'

113. Oh-ho-ho, yeah.

114. Me and my girlfriend are goin' down

115. to the kidneys to see the stones.

116. Good for you. They could pass any day now.

117. 'All units down to the stomach.'

118. 'Be on the lookout for illegal organisms.'

119. Jones! You wanna keep your job?

120. 'Stay where you are and wait for backup.'

121. - But I can get 'em! - 'I said stay put. Over.'

122. 'You heard the chief. We're out of our jurisdiction.'

123. 'It's immunity's problem now.'

124. 'We'd better get back up to the mouth.'

125. What the.. Hey, Jones!

126. Chief, you're gonna thank me for this later.

127. 'Don't even think about it, pal.'

128. 'Aren't you in enough trouble already? Jones!'

129. Oh, oh!

130. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Slow down! Slow down! Oh! Oh!

131. Hey, hey, hey! Wait, wait-a-wha-what the.. Hey!

132. Hey, stretch, shouldn't you be up in the mouth?

133. Aw, come on, guys. This is my bust.

134. I saw 'em first.

135. Whoa!

136. Whoa!

137. Huh!

138. You want Osmosis, you got Osmosis.

139. Whoo-ah!

140. Huh?

141. Aah! Whoa!

142. Whoa!

143. Bye-bye, cop!

144. Sorry, baby, but it's time you take your medicine!

145. zap

146. clink

147. clink

148. Dang! Always pulls to the right!

149. Dad, what's wrong? What's wrong?

150. - Oh! Oh, it's a cramp! - Oh, my God. What's wrong?

151. Oh!

152. thud

153. Officer down!

154. Oh, these stairs are killin' me, honey.

155. We may have to move.

156. But, dad, there's only four steps.

157. Alright.

158. If you love it here

159. I'll build a ramp.

160. 'Whew, I can't believe it.'

161. 'It's been three hours since lunch'

162. 'and we're still cleaning up this egg.'

163. Oh, man, would you look at all that gunk?

164. - Ha-ha-ha. - Seriously.

165. What does this guy do, roll his food around

166. on the ground before he eats it?

167. We need to send a letter to the mayor

168. about washing our hands before we eat.

169. zap

170. Yeah, like he's gonna listen to us.

171. Hey, cells vote, man.

172. Cells vote.

173. Whoa. Ugh!

174. Ugh..

175. Ah-ha-ha. Got you, you little..

176. A-A-Artie?

177. W-w-what's goin' on over there?

178. Artie?

179. Artie?

180. splat

181. Huh!

182. Holy spit!

183. Careful... I'm contagious.

184. Ow.

185. I think I'll turn up the heat in here.

186. - ... is not available. - Hold. One moment.

187. I'm connecting..

188. Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor, do you have a plan

189. to deal with the fat cell housing shortage?

190. I'd like to announce we're beginning construction

191. on a, ha-ha, third chin.

192. Mr. Mayor, we're having jock itch!

193. Any comments on today's cramp?

194. What do you have to say to all the hair cells

195. recently laid off from the scalp?

196. There'll be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.

197. Uh, what do you think of Frank's daughter's request

198. for better nutrition?

199. Eight-five percent of red blood cell children

200. don't even know how to carry oxygen.

201. People, people, you worry too much!

202. The body is in perfect shape.

203. beep beep

204. Ha-ha-ha. And no more questions. Thank you.

205. Ugh.

206. Do they know how hard I work? No. No. Nobody cares.

207. - Mm, mm, hm.. - Mr. Mayor, I—

208. Not now, Leah. I have a body to run.

209. I've got Tom Colonic's new campaign ad.

210. Oh? Let's go. Put it on.

211. Mm

212. 'The following is a paid political announcement.'

213. The bowels.

214. It didn't always smell this way. No.

215. There was a time when eating right and exercise

216. kept this whole area a vital center of activity.

217. 'But during Mayor Phlegmming's term'

218. we've seen rot and stagnation paralyze this neighborhood

219. as well as the colon a-and the sphincter.

220. Well, I think it's time we get things moving again.

221. I'm Tom Colonic.

222. As mayor, I would set long-term goals

223. that include ordering salads and eating bran.

224. 'Mayor Phlegmming may think that things are fine'

225. 'just the way they are.'

226. But I think that if we pull together

227. and put in a little hard work..

228. a new Frank could be right around the corner.

229. Oh, uh.. Mr. Colonic, what's that smell?

230. Heh. Why, that's the smell of change, Billy.

231. That's the smell of change.

232. 'Paid for by Colonic for mayor.'

233. Can you believe those lies?

234. 'Sir, he's got a point.'

235. 'You know, when I came to work for you'

236. you promised you'd concentrate more on health issues.

237. Leah, I want Frank to be healthy

238. but think of the sacrifices, the hard work

239. the lack of potato chips!

240. That's not what the voters want.

241. Then why are you behind in the polls?

242. Don't you worry about the polls.

243. I have a plan that's gonna flush Colonic down the toilet.

244. Honey!

245. Shane!

246. Coming.

247. You okay?

248. - Where does it hurt? - Ugh, l-leg.

249. Is it here?

250. Ugh.. Leg.

251. Here?

252. Leg!

253. - Huh! Oh! Oh, oh. - Le.. Leg!

254. Oh, here.

255. - Le.. - 'Here.'

256. Thank you.

257. I just needed some sodium.

258. I think that's what made me cramp up.

259. Heads up! Chicken goin' down rough!

260. Chicken goin' down rough!

261. Oh, now what?

262. Sir, turn on the optical feed.

263. Let me take a look at that, dad.

264. Open wide.

265. Open wide. Aah..

266. Aah!

267. Could you swallow first, please?

268. Ow!

269. - Aah.. - Aah..

270. Definitely red.

271. Are you.. Are you ordering out?

272. No. Heh, I'm making you an appointment to see the doctor.

273. Sick? We're not getting sick!

274. We have far too much planned!

275. Ooh!

276. 'Sir, you can't go into override'

277. 'without a vote from city council.'

278. 'Yes, my dear.'

279. Voice manual control on.

280. Hey, that's only for emergencies.

281. Leah, this is an emergency.

282. On second thought..

283. On second thought..

284. '... perhaps I'll take a cold pill.'

285. Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.

286. Dr. Watkin's office.

287. Uh, sir..

288. Thank you, Leah. Now get me the chief on the phone.

289. 'There's a good girl.'

290. '"Drixenol."'

291. Yes..

292. Next.

293. Ah, I caught this one

294. with six micrograms

295. of stolen adrenaline.

296. It's not mine.

297. I swear I was holding it for my cousin.

298. Oh, yeah. I never heard that one before.

299. Take him to lockdown. Next!

300. Hey, hey, hey. It's the germinator!

301. Okay, guys, you got me there.

302. Let's save a little for the criminals, alright?

303. Jones, when was the last time you caught anything?

304. Hey, hey. You should've seen this thing.

305. This ain't no ordinary household germ.

306. This thing's bigger than all of us.

307. This thing isn't even from Frank's body.

308. It's like a Al Roker germ, Heavy D-germ!

309. You talkin' about this?

310. 'Oh-ho-ho, yeah alright.'

311. Yeah. Uh... you know, he's slouching right now.

312. Jones! In my office!

313. Chiefy-weefy, what's up?

314. Don't chiefy-weefy me! Have you seen the headlines?

315. The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp

316. since Shane made us try that Tae Bo workout!

317. - Hold on a second— - I told you to stay put.

318. I told you to wait for backup!

319. But once again, you had to do it your own way!

320. Man, I was right there!

321. - I could've done it— - Right!

322. Seventy-eight trillion cells in the body

323. all working together, you're the only one

324. who thinks he can do it alone!

325. 'You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?'

326. 'What? Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor. Heh.'

327. 'Uh, the missus? Oh, she's great.'

328. 'Yes, uh.. Uh, you're kidding, sir.'

329. 'I'll put-I'll put a man right on it, sir.'

330. Ah, yes, sir.

331. Stupid political decisions!

332. 'Now where was I?'

333. Uh, you were just startin'

334. to say how you were giving me a promotion

335. to head of brain security, I believe. Yep.

336. You know what, Jones? You're right.

337. Maybe it is time I give you a case.

338. Talkin' about what, now?

339. We have a situation in the throat

340. and I'm putting you on it.

341. Thank you, chief!

342. Thank you, chief!

343. You won't regret this. You're a good man!

344. You're a fine man.

345. - You're an upstanding man. - Yeah. Whatever you say.

346. You know, it was on the fence for a while.

347. People like, good man, bad man, good man, bad man

348. and now it's official

349. you a good man!

350. You done?

351. Now our pill is getting swallowed as we speak.

352. So I suggest you get your nucleus

353. down to the stomach, pronto!

354. Pill? What pill?

355. You didn't think I was gonna trust you to take care

356. of a sore throat by yourself, did you? Now, get outta here.

357. 'Or I swear to Frank, you'll be on butt-hair patrol'

358. for the next three years!

359. Rinky-dink, stink, pinky pill!

360. 'The white zone is for the ingestion'

361. 'and digestion of gastric passengers only.'

362. 'No parking.'

363. 'Last call.'

364. 'Peanut now boarding'

365. 'for intestinal tracts' and liver

366. 'with direct service to the colon.'

367. 'Now boarding.'

368. No.

369. 'Passengers arriving..'

370. Alright.

371. - Hey! - Whoa.

372. 'Attention.'

373. 'All fat cells proceed directly'

374. 'to the love handles. Thank you.'

375. Oh, yes, Mr. Mayor.

376. No, sir. It hasn't arrived yet.

377. - What the.. - 'Oh, yes. I'm..'

378. Mm! Look out, now!

379. Uh, did you get a chance to look

380. at my notes on your speech?

381. The inbox. Yes.

382. It says "In" right on it, sir.

383. I'll check back later.

384. Alright. Goodbye.

385. Well, well, well!

386. What do we have here?

387. Somebody been workin' out!

388. Leah, you lookin' fine, girl.

389. - Mighty fine. - Oh, Jones.

390. Did they have to assign you to this?

391. Spit. Wasn't my idea, but now I'm starting to like it.

392. Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up?

393. I know this little spot right behind the eye

394. has the perfect view.

395. Perfect for a little rendezvous

396. between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'?

397. Do you know what I'm saying?

398. 'Cause I been saying it a long time.

399. Jones, what in the world

400. makes you think I would ever go out with you?

401. What you talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl!

402. The chicks line up to divide with me!

403. Oh, really?

404. 'Cause to me, you look like the kind of cell

405. who mostly divides with himself.

406. Whoo! Who cut off the heat?

407. Somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here!

408. 'Now arriving with some milk'

409. 'a cold pill with a pleasant fruity flavor.'

410. thud

411. Wow, this is huge!

412. Don't be all impressed

413. 'cause 99 percent of that's just sugar, you know?

414. Yeah? And 99 percent of you is just stupid.

415. 'Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.'

416. What is that cherry stank?

417. Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedramine.

418. - Ooh! - Ooh!

419. Drixenol, the brand that eases

420. your coughs and sneezes.

421. Warning, do not exceed recommended dosage.

422. If symptoms persist, consult a physician.

423. May cause drowsiness.

424. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery.

425. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.

426. Wow. I'm feelin' better already.

427. You can call me Drix.

428. - Welcome to the city of Frank. - Mm-hm.

429. I'd like to examine your irritated areas.

430. Whoo! Never on the first date, Drips.

431. - Drix. - That's what I said.

432. No. I think you said Drips with a "P."

433. - Whatever. - Jones. This ain't working out.

434. I'm gonna call the chief and ask him to assign someone else.

435. Wait. Hold up now.

436. I need this job, Leah.

437. Come on, just give me a shot.

438. Alright.

439. But no screw-ups. You dig?

440. Baby, I promise everything's gonna be fine.

441. 'Not as fine as you, but fine.'

442. Man, what you been eatin'?

443. That's my effervescent propulsion.

444. Alright. But we're driving with the windows open.

445. I don't want none of those fruity bubbles

446. stinkin' up my ride. You got that?

447. Hm..

448. Hey, yo, yo! Aw, man!

449. Look what you're doin' to my baby.

450. 'Hey, hey, hey! Don't touch my radio!'

451. So where you from, tough stuff?

452. I was developed at the University of Chicago

453. where I graduated Phi-Beta capsule.

454. Great. Got me a college boy.

455. I received my FDA certification in cold and flu studies

456. 'as well as a masters in multi-symptom relief.'

457. - 'Where did you study?' - Study?

458. When you grow up on the wrong side

459. of the digestive tract

460. you don't got no money for no fancy schools.

461. - Oh.. - I'm not kidding, man.

462. My high school was Crack Central.

463. - Oh? - No, it was in the Crack!

464. Right in the stanky puckered center!

465. We were so poor, we lived off

466. peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches.

467. You ever try to blow dry your hair with a fart?

468. 'Okay, I get it. You were poor.'

469. 'You bet I was.'

470. You ever try to make a snowman

471. out of toilet paper cling-ons?

472. - 'No.' - Now, that's poor!

473. Okay, please. You're going to make me vomit.

474. Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit.

475. That's for rich folks.

476. 'Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.'

477. 'Aw, you wanna talk about wipin'.'

478. 'No!'

479. Okay, you're all new

480. so follow my lead, right? Now-uh..

481. Yo. Yo! Wait up!

482. Didn't they teach you no manners in that ivy league petri dish?

483. Murphy! It's flarin' up again!

484. Give me a status on the pain relief. Mm?

485. 'Uh, well, we have a report'

486. 'of a foreign substance in upper respiratory system.'

487. Hmm. Inflammation and glandular swelling.

488. We meet again.

489. whirr

490. Dougy-doug, the firebug!

491. My boy is hot!

492. Osmosis Jones.

493. Like I don't have enough problems..

494. You can start redirecting traffic over there.

495. What you talkin' about?

496. Hey, I'm in charge of this sore throat, baby.

497. - You're kidding me. - No.

498. Straight up. Now what we got?

499. It's just a routine sore throat.

500. 'Looks like a saliva boat went haywire and crashed.'

501. - Saliva boat? - Talk to me.

502. - That's pretty unusual. - Knock down that hot spot!

503. Get that ladder team over here!

504. - Step away. - Oh!

505. Tamper-proof seal is there for your protection!

506. - Oh! - 'Ah!'

507. whoosh

508. Huh?

509. Ah-ah. Not my suedes!

510. What the dilly?

511. Oh!

512. - Aiee-hee-aah! - Aah! Aah!

513. Por favor, please man, don't shoot!

514. La muerte, man! Esta aqui!

515. He's going to kill us dead, hombre!

516. No, no! Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.

517. La muerte roja! He's coming, man.

518. I saw him!

519. I, I saw him. I saw him!

520. La muerte roja.. Aah!

521. Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?

522. I'm soothing the irritation.

523. You just soothed my witness into a germsicle!

524. Oh.

525. Oh, gosh. Well, don't worry.

526. He'll be back to normal in a few days.

527. A few days is too late.

528. He might have some important information

529. about what went down here.

530. Officer, nothing went downhere.

531. This is just a common sore throat.

532. This is a crime scene.

533. Yo, you wanna do something useful?

534. Go plug some turtle wax into that thing

535. and wash my car!

536. Now, that's inflammation relief.

537. Later, Doug.

538. Be cool, Oz.

539. Hey, fellas, how's it feel workin'

540. with the two dumbest animals in the zoo?

541. - They're not too bad. - Alright.

542. I'm talking to the camels!

543. We're dumb, and they're talkin' to the camels.

544. Excellent. Uh-huh.

545. Oh, man. I am so psyched for this long weekend.

546. - Getting outta town? - 'Outta town?'

547. (Bob) I'm not getting outta my bathrobe.

548. I'm just gonna wheel a keg into the living room

549. and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV.

550. You know, spend a little quality time

551. with the wife and kids.

552. What's that smell?

553. That's Bruno. His tummy's still upset.

554. No, I'm talking about the nasty, skanky, sweaty smell.

555. Oh, that's my daughter, Shane.

556. She won't buy me deodorant anymore.

557. Says it causes cancer.

558. Did the foot fungus pay up yet?

559. Nah. That guy's gettin' flaky on us.

560. Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him

561. up here in the pit.

562. Now get down there, send him a message.

563. So..

564. this is where the scum of Frank

565. comes to fester.

566. Hey, you lost, pal?

567. This is a private sweat gland.

568. Now, beat it!

569. I'm lookin' for volunteers, yo.

570. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.

571. Yo, red, we run the rackets around here.

572. Take your little hustle someplace else.

573. Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle.

574. This is about the baddest illness

575. any of y'all have ever seen.

576. Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh?

577. Ebola?

578. Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby.

579. Ebola is a case of dandruff

580. compared to me!

581. Alright, pal. You're outta here.

582. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face

583. 'and bury him in a blackhead.'

584. When we're done with you

585. it'll take a Swedish facialist

586. and six steamin' washcloths to get you out!

587. Oh, sounds like a gas, baby.

588. Bring it on.

589. Bruiser, what are you, a sissy Mary?

590. - Hmm.. - 'What you doing?'

591. Che.. What's he doin'..

592. Oh!

593. You ain't so tough, huh?

594. That was nothin'!

595. Whoa!

596. So, uh..

597. what kinda sickness do ya have in mind..

598. boss?

599. Deadly.

600. Hey, dad. Hey, Uncle Bob.

601. - Hello, beautiful. - Hey.

602. 'So dad, I stopped by the camping store'

603. and I got some nuts and berries and stuff

604. for the father-daughter hike.

605. Uh, right, Shane.

606. Uh, on this hike

607. is that teacher of yours gonna be there?

608. Um, yeah. My whole class is.

609. - Why? - I don't know.

610. I was just thinking I might take a rain check.

611. Dad, Mrs. Boyd isn't still mad at you.

612. No, it.. I didn't think so. I was just..

613. We could find something better to do.

614. You know, you know, yesterday, without thinking

615. I did all my hiking for the week.

616. I hiked to the liquor store

617. I hiked to the cigarette warehouse—

618. But, dad, you said—

619. I said I was gonna think about it.

620. It's a holiday weekend.

621. The important thing is that we're together, right?

622. Yeah. I guess you're right.

623. Yeah. Well, I, uh..

624. I have something very special up my sleeve.

625. Um, sweetheart

626. have you ever seen a rattlesnake

627. swallow a football?

628. 'I don't think she has.'

629. Oh, it's fun. Come on.

630. - 'Oh!' - Come on. I'll show you.

631. Thank you, Uncle Bob.

632. Oh, that.. Ha-ha-ha! You're gonna love it!

633. 'What are we wasting time here for?'

634. Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict

635. twelve-hour time release program?

636. First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.

637. Yeah, I got it.

638. Realimportant stuff.

639. Just wait in the car.

640. I got police work to do.

641. Uh, could you give me one glazed

642. and one with a jelly-filled nucleus?

643. Uh-huh.

644. 'Brain memory library.'

645. 'Can I help you?'

646. You got any information

647. on something called..

648. '"... el morry roho?"'

649. Stand by. I'll check.

650. But we're really all about sports statistics here.

651. Ah!

652. - 'Sir?' - Yeah, I'm here. What you got?

653. 'La muerte roja. That's Spanish.'

654. 'It means the red death.'

655. The red death?

656. W-what's that, some kind of taco sauce?

657. 'You have a nice day.'

658. 'Hello?'

659. Oh!

660. 'Yo!'

661. 'Yo, drips!'

662. 'You ever hear of the red death?'

663. Look alive, boys.

664. We got dust at nine o'clock.

665. Eat hot nose juice, dust!

666. Well, we're here. You happy?

667. You hear that?

668. Quick, Jones, the dam is under attack!

669. Hey, chill, pill.

670. It's just some snot guns booger-coating some dust.

671. 'Ah-oh.'

672. Aah!

673. Now... get to work!

674. This is your big plan?

675. A sore throat, a stuffy nose?

676. People're just gonna think you're—

677. A common cold.

678. Until I make my move

679. that's precisely what I want them to think.

680. 'Yo, check it out! We got cops here!'

681. Hey, look.

682. Yo, yo, yo, be careful!

683. That's a pollen pod, man.

684. Frank is totally allergic to this stuff.

685. I didn't know Frank had allergies.

686. Of course you didn't.

687. No useless pill knows nothin'

688. about what goes on in here.

689. Whoops!

690. Uh, Jones..

691. In the words of the immortal James Brown

692. get down!

693. James who?

694. Ah.. Ah.. Ah..

695. - Choo! - Aah!

696. - Hey. Danny. - Hey, Frank.

697. You nitwit!

698. You could have damaged the dam!

699. Relax. This baby was built to last.

700. Solid cartilage.

701. Oh, you're an engineer now. Excuse me.

702. I need to test the mucus viscosity.

703. (Bob) 'Hey, Frank! Frank!'

704. How come you're leaving so early?

705. It's all shoveled out, and the hippo's asleep.

706. I'm gonna take Shane to Docky's for dinner.

707. Oh, yeah? Did you come up with something to do..

708. - With Shane this weekend? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did great.

709. I guarantee you, there ain't nothing

710. 'wrong with this dam.'

711. So, uh, you want me to take care of 'em?

712. No. Hit all the pressure valves.

713. They're about to blow the scene.

714. Oh! What in the name of sweet bleedin' Frank—

715. The membrane is cracking, you..

716. Oh!

717. Whoa!

718. Drips! I think you missed a spot!

719. - Come on, fellas. Go, go, go! - 'Yeah, yeah, yeah..'

720. Yo! Stop!

721. Immunity!

722. What the Frank?

723. Wait a minute!

724. Whoa-oa!

725. Aah! Oh!

726. Aah!

727. Whoa!

728. Nose hairs!

729. Watch out! Oh!

730. We're going to die!

731. - Oh! - Aah!

732. Gee, Frank, I'm standing right here.

733. - Can you use a tissue? - I don't have one.

734. Well, use your imagination.

735. What's that over there?

736. Whoa!

737. - Better? - Much better.

738. - I gotta go get her. - Alright.

739. She'll be excited. She'll probably call ya.

740. (Bob) Good.

741. Oh! Uh!

742. If it wasn't for you, none of this.. Ew..

743. Would have ever happened.

744. Now, if you'll excuse me, I, I..

745. have a nose to dry.

746. 'This is nerve network news, NNN.'

747. Good evening.

748. In an act of selfless bravery

749. a cold tablet stopped

750. a runny nose today.

751. 'The heroic tablet is due to be honored'

752. 'later this afternoon.'

753. 'Trudy?'

754. Well, in lighter news, there was panda-monium

755. 'in the stomach today as some new animal crackers arrived.'

756. They are adorable, aren't they? Hmm.

757. And now we go live to cerebellum hall

758. for a special address from Mayor Phlegmming.

759. Ok, mayor. In five, four, three..

760. Good evening, citizens of Frank.

761. In the past few weeks of the campaign

762. my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words

763. to try to confuse the issues.

764. Words like exercise

765. low-fat, and diet.

766. 'Words designed to scare us'

767. 'into changing what has worked'

768. 'for so many years.'

769. Well, I say let's stay the course.

770. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.

771. What? That's not what I wrote.

772. I propose something that every organism in this city

773. will enjoy.

774. I give you..

775. a dream vacation

776. to the annual chicken wing festival

777. in Buffalo, New York!

778. Final plans have been made

779. and nothing

780. is going to stand in our way!

781. And we're out.

782. Sir, that wasn't the speech we agreed on. I thought..

783. Yes, yes, yes.

784. Where's the little twerp in the wheelchair?

785. Oh, hello, Johnny. How ya doing?

786. Congratulations, boys!

787. Excellent work in the nose today!

788. Come on over here. Let's get some pictures.

789. I want the caption on this one to read

790. "Mayor and pill stop cold... cold."

791. Mr. Mayor, uh, Mr. Mayor

792. excuse me, sir, but we, we have a problem.

793. Ha-ha-ha! What are you talking about, Jones?

794. 'I think whatever it was in the sinuses'

795. is a lot more than a common cold.

796. Sir, don't listen to Jones.

797. His diagnostic skills are remedial at best!

798. You're the little cherry aspirin

799. 'who iced a key witness to a viral attack!'

800. That was an accident!

801. Yeah, the kind of accident only a time-release

802. dipstick like yourself would have.

803. Oh! I am so sick of you! That's it!

804. - I can't work with you! - You can't work with me?

805. - I can't work with you! - Officers, please, please!

806. Jones, what is this, t-this virus that you're talking about?

807. The virus that torched the throat.

808. The virus that caused those half-inch

809. snot crests I was just surfin'!

810. Those snot crests were caused by the sneeze

811. and the sneeze was caused by you!

812. Oh, yeah? Then how come I saw that

813. viral-lookin' mother

814. fleein' the scene of the crime?

815. 'Tell me!'

816. Sir, maybe we should

817. put the city on full alert.

818. You know, liquids, bed rest.

819. You know. Just to be safe.

820. We will do no such thing.

821. 'I'm not going to postpone our trip'

822. 'just because the white blood cell'

823. 'with the worst record in Frank'

824. 'thought he saw something.'

825. Listen, from now on, keep those opinions

826. in that mushy little head of yours

827. or you're gonna find yourself

828. in our next nosebleed.

829. Understood?

830. Son, I apologize for all of this.

831. Now, why don't we find you another

832. more capable officer to work with.

833. Uh, sir, uh..

834. if it's all the same to you

835. I think I'll stay with Jones.

836. Wow.

837. Suit yourself.

838. You know, you didn't have to do that.

839. The last thing I need is your sympathy.

840. This is not about sympathy.

841. I was sent into this body to make it feel better

842. so if this alleged virus

843. has anything to do with that mission

844. I must pursue it.

845. Yeah. Whatever.

846. Hey, Jones, what did the mayor mean

847. when he said you had a record?

848. You did something terrible, didn't you?

849. Drips, sometimes being too careful

850. is all it takes.

851. What do you mean?

852. A couple of years ago

853. I was cruising the digestive tract

854. just minding my own business.

855. Outside, it was Shane's school's science fair

856. and everyone was real excited

857. 'cause the winner was gonna get their picture

858. on the front page of the local paper.

859. Think anyone's gonna like my volcano?

860. Are you kidding?

861. All these other parents are going home sad

862. 'cause their kids' projects

863. are cardboard and glitter paint and science.

864. Shane, yours is art.

865. Wow, what a great tepee.

866. Tepee? Mrs. Delirious, come on.

867. Honey, I'm gonna go check out the competition.

868. Why don't you see if you can learn these people

869. something about volcanoes?

870. Hey, partner. What you got there?

871. These? Oh, these are polluted oysters.

872. Well, well, they, they were polluted.

873. I replanted them six months ago.

874. You know, that's how long the state says

875. you got to do it for.

876. 'And every time the tide came in'

877. it flushed all the, the bad stuff out.

878. Can you eat them?

879. Well, if my hypotenuse is correct

880. sure... you..

881. Well, uh.. Yeah, definitely.

882. You got yourself a sale.

883. Mmm!

884. Alright, you might want to check your math on that one.

885. I was working the kidneys

886. when I heard about a 631 in progress

887. that's incoming shellfish.

888. So I headed down to the stomach just to be safe.

889. 'Unscheduled shellfish'

890. 'now arriving at gate six.'

891. And you must be Shane's dad.

892. - Guilty as charged. - Oh..

893. Frank Detorri.

894. Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you.

895. I am Mrs. Boyd.

896. I am Shane's science and PE teacher.

897. And I just have to tell you, your daughter Shane

898. I am just absolutely crazy about her.

899. She is a doll.

900. Well, if you mean that, I'm gonna keep her.

901. Oh, my Go.. Ha-ha-ha!

902. That was so funny!

903. Oh, my God, I've got the giggles.

904. Ohh!

905. She's a sweetie pie, though.

906. Did she tell you that when she grows up

907. she wants to move to the city

908. and help people?

909. No kidding?

910. You mean, like a concierge or something?

911. No, no, no, no, no. Not.. Uh, like poor people.

912. - Oh, yeah. She told me that. - Yeah.

913. You know, I really just have to say, Frank

914. it's just so wonderful to see Shane participating

915. in the science fair.

916. 'You know, because since her mother passed away'

917. she's had a really hard time sort of

918. being part of the group activities.

919. Yeah. She's gonna be okay.

920. Yeah.

921. And then I saw him.

922. He rode in on the clammiest-looking oyster

923. I'd ever seen.

924. Mr. Detorri?

925. Mr. Detorri?

926. - 'Ohh..' - Are you okay?

927. Ohh..

928. those oysters.

929. The oysters? Oh, yeah. That's Zack's project.

930. He's a little slow.

931. The doctor says that he has a brain

932. the size of a tangerine.

933. - 'Mmm..' - Yeah.

934. So we sort of gave him this project

935. just to sort of push him along.

936. I think he just started it this morning,

937. which is sort of funny.

938. But we're gonna give him an 'A' anyway.

939. Mr. Detorri?

940. Mr. Detorri?

941. Mr. Detorri?

942. There was no time to ask questions

943. so I did what I had to do.

944. Whoa, look at that guy!

945. Ohh!

946. Oh! Oh-ho!

947. 'Ooh! Ooh!'

948. You can probably guess which photo

949. made it to the front page of the paper the next day.

950. Overnight, Frank became the town laughing stock.

951. The photo got picked up and ran in every daily

952. across the country.

953. He even got fired from his job

954. at the pea soup factory.

955. Lucky for us, our old friend Bob

956. hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo.

957. It was a 90 percent cut in pay

958. but it was the best we could do.

959. Needless to say, none of this helped Shane.

960. And as for me, I got suspended

961. for unnecessary force.

962. Since then, not a day has gone by

963. that I haven't wondered, "Did I do the right thing?"

964. You know, Jones, from your description

965. it sounds like you were justified.

966. Excuse me?

967. Oysters are a breeding ground

968. for any number of dangerous bacteria.

969. They are! That's what I been trying to tell everybody!

970. Darn right, they are!

971. I never thought you'd be on my side.

972. I never thought you'd be right.

973. Uh, excuse me, sir, we have a very strict

974. "no shoes, no service" policy.

975. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

976. I beg your pardon, is that how you treat

977. the handicapped in Docky's?

978. Handicapped?

979. I have a chronic ingrown toe condition

980. and doctors say it's only a short time

981. before I won't be able to wear

982. even the roomiest of footwear.

983. I'll bring your menus.

984. Look, would you bring some clam strips

985. and, uh, some steamers when you come, too, please?

986. Thank you.

987. So, dad, what's the big surprise?

988. Well, I know you wanted to go

989. on a trip this weekend, so..

990. Ta-da!

991. - Buffalo? - Buffalo, New York.

992. The buffalo wing festival this weekend.

993. Oh. Yeah, great.

994. So, what's the big surprise?

995. We got tickets!

996. I called a scalper.

997. 'Look!'

998. Ninety-nine kinds of wings.

999. One hundred and twenty-eight different dipping sauces.

1000. You love math.

1001. Crunch the numbers on that

1002. and tell me the possibilities aren't infinite.

1003. 'Look! Look! Here you are.'

1004. 'Miss chicken wing festival.'

1005. See this?

1006. He's the champion.

1007. 'But he won't be for long.'

1008. Because I'm coming.

1009. I'm coming, I'm coming to get you, baby.

1010. Fun? Huh?

1011. Yeah. That's, that's really cool, dad.

1012. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

1013. See? I told you she'd be excited.

1014. 'Now, tidy up, will you? Here we go.'

1015. Okay, Frank, this is your, um

1016. conscience speaking.

1017. Now listen carefully.

1018. 'This hiking trip means the world to her.'

1019. 'Figure out a way to make it work.'

1020. 'Use that charm.'

1021. What's wrong now?

1022. Oh, gee..

1023. Oh, it's this damn toe.

1024. 'Do me a favor, huh?'

1025. Don't you get old.

1026. 'Listen to the toe. Don't you get old.'

1027. Hey, boss, looks like your plan worked.

1028. That's right. I got this city exactly where I want it.

1029. Ha-ha!

1030. So, what about the cop and the pill?

1031. Well, let's just say if they give us a problem

1032. You know money on the wood make the game go good.

1033. Five bucks says size don't matter.

1034. Get him! Come on! Let's do this thing now.

1035. Chicken pock fights.

1036. Get back! Get him!

1037. Yeah! Yeah, that's my baby.

1038. Try the headlock.

1039. Hey, that's a virus. We should arrest him.

1040. No, man that used to be a virus.

1041. Now he's on our side.

1042. 'That's chill. He's a flu shot.'

1043. That's funny. He doesn't look flu-ish.

1044. Why don't you just stay here

1045. and watch the maestro work.

1046. Hey, Chill. Chill!

1047. Don't y'all know pock fighting's against the law?

1048. Hey, hey! Hey, where y'all going? Ah!

1049. Thanks a lot, junior. You just cost me $20.

1050. Money ain't gonna be your biggest problem

1051. if you don't tell me what you know about the sinuses.

1052. Hey, I was injected into this body

1053. to rat on influenza only.

1054. And this don't sound like influenza to me. Now, beat it!

1055. I bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family

1056. will be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.

1057. You can't jack me on that, brother.

1058. I'm in the virus protection program.

1059. Hey! What? Uhh!

1060. 'You, virus.'

1061. I believe children's strength

1062. ought to take care of you.

1063. Uh-oh, you done done it now, Chill.

1064. 'This guy's a psycho cop.'

1065. You had your chance to spill it

1066. but it's too late.

1067. This guy just got off the thorazine.

1068. 'Now he's cuckoo for cocoa puffs!'

1069. He's going el pollo loco on your crazy behind!

1070. 'I can't look. I just can't look.'

1071. 'Alright!'

1072. Aah!

1073. The guy's big time. He goes by the name of Thrax.

1074. Go to that new place, the zit, on the forehead.

1075. 'You can't miss it. It's huge.'

1076. There's a big meeting there tonight.

1077. I'm out! Aah!

1078. 'But you didn't hear that from me.'

1079. 'You didn't hear that from me!'

1080. Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.

1081. You area bad cop.

1082. Yo, who you calling a bad cop?

1083. My, what big zits he has.

1084. How did something like this happen?

1085. You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

1086. 'Alright, you come on in.'

1087. Oh, thank you!

1088. Hey, wait, wait. Hold up, now.

1089. Where do you think you're going?

1090. To get our cootie!

1091. Looking like that? They'll tear you apart.

1092. You got to get spiffy.

1093. Spiffy?

1094. - Oh! - Ah!

1095. Oh, bleh..

1096. Peep this. Check it out.

1097. Hmm. Pliable cellular dynamics.

1098. What an ingenious defense mechanism.

1099. Ooh! Ooh! Let me try.

1100. What do you think?

1101. I think you should guard the car.

1102. Oh, no. This is my mission, too.

1103. I insist on going in with you.

1104. Alright. But we got to get you something to wear.

1105. Are you sure this disguise is working?

1106. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Trust me, it's perfect.

1107. Perfect.

1108. we got company. Be cool.

1109. Now, try to relax. Fit in.

1110. Shake a tail cell or something.

1111. I don't dance. I, I have no left feet.

1112. - You don't dance? - No.

1113. - You don't dance? - No, I—

1114. Come on, now d-d-don't tell me

1115. you ain't never gotten jiggy wit' it.

1116. Uh, I don't believe I have. Uh—

1117. Come on, baby! Give me a little bit of this!

1118. - Oh, alright. - Come on.

1119. - Here you go. - Oh, yeah, baby, that's it!

1120. - Get down! - Shake it up, baby!

1121. Don't let it all settle at the bottom!

1122. Shake that gel cap! Shake it!

1123. Oh, mama. Yo!

1124. You's a big, bad cell. Won't you back that cell up.

1125. You's a fine cell! Won't you..

1126. Aah! Alright, you stay here and practice.

1127. - 'Boy, you need it. Now, look.' - Ow!

1128. If I'm not back here in five

1129. you come looking, okay?

1130. - Aah! - Ooh! Ow!

1131. Mackin' all honeys

1132. up here in the "D," baby!

1133. Ooh!

1134. Yo, barkeep, what you got?

1135. Uhh!

1136. You got a problem with that?

1137. No, no, no!

1138. This is just the way I like it.

1139. Extra disgusting.

1140. Bah!

1141. Blah!

1142. Hmm.

1143. 'My plan is simple.'

1144. 'Three teams will move'

1145. 'through the cranial artery'

1146. 'and one through the nasal passage.'

1147. 'We are going to the brain, baby!'

1148. And we are gonna steal us one of these.

1149. Now this little sucker comes from a place called

1150. the hypothalamus gland.

1151. The hypo-hoppo-what-a-mus?

1152. Hypothalamus.

1153. Hypothalamus.

1154. 'Controls the temperature for the entire body.'

1155. We are gonna march right in there

1156. 'and we are going to take the prize.'

1157. Then my man Frank's gonna heat up

1158. like a sidewalk on a summer day.

1159. I need to talk to you.

1160. What a z-zit.

1161. 'I mean, what is it? What is it?'

1162. What do you want?

1163. I want you to help me.

1164. You want me to call the cops?

1165. Or maybe Shane would like to know

1166. about the 200-yard restraining order

1167. that's still in effect.

1168. Please, we can't do that.

1169. She's been humiliated enough already.

1170. Oh, ho-ho-ho. "Humiliated."

1171. I'll tell you about humiliation.

1172. You turned me into a walking air sickness bag.

1173. My whole family was humiliated.

1174. Do you understand that?

1175. Do you have any idea of the, the teasing

1176. that my little sons Ralph and Chuck

1177. have had to endure?

1178. I know your daughter Hurly had to transfer schools.

1179. Shirley. My daughter's name is Shirley.

1180. Oh, that is much prettier.

1181. - Tom Brokaw called her Hurly. - What?

1182. It was a very cute picture of her, though.

1183. We got to get this water underneath our bridge

1184. as soon as possible, for Shane's sake.

1185. Shane has nothing to do with this.

1186. I would never hold anything against one of my students.

1187. - Alright, that— - Get back to work!

1188. Now all of this is going down tonight

1189. so I want everyone to be prepared.

1190. Tonight? Uh, can't we do it next week?

1191. Me and Madcow got tickets to WrestleMania.

1192. You see this?

1193. This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl

1194. in Riverside, California.

1195. Didn't like to wash her hands.

1196. Took me three whole weeks.

1197. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Motown.

1198. - Six days flat. - 'Oh!'

1199. Then there's this old guy in Philly.

1200. 'I killed him in 72 hours.'

1201. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby

1202. but the problem is, I never set a record!

1203. Until my man Frank, that is.

1204. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours!

1205. Get my own chapter in the medical books.

1206. - Heh-heh. - Yeah. Right.

1207. Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

1208. Uh, I got one more question here.

1209. Is there anything that, say, a white blood cell

1210. could do to stop this evil plan?

1211. You know, hypothetically speaking, that is.

1212. And who are you?

1213. Who am I? Who am I?

1214. A bad, booty-shaking, pickinosis.

1215. - Yeah, that's who I am. - I never heard of you.

1216. That's 'cause you just got here.

1217. But you ask any of these suckers

1218. when it comes to illing

1219. bad, booty-shaking pickinosis

1220. stands above all the rest.

1221. Ow. That hurts.

1222. - Aah! - Hey, that ain't no germ!

1223. 'That's a cop!'

1224. Well, what do we have here?

1225. An officer of Frank's finest.

1226. Somebody lay down a towel.

1227. This is gonna be messy..

1228. Attention, germs. You are surrounded.

1229. Yo, Hammer, you can stop dancing.

1230. Oh.

1231. - Hoo! - Aah!

1232. What kept you?

1233. Muerte rojo.

1234. Aah! You're gonna hurt me! Let me out of here!

1235. I just want you to lift this restraining order

1236. for this weekend, so I can

1237. do this father-daughter trip.

1238. The answer is no, Mr. Detorri.

1239. P-please?

1240. Think about it overnight.

1241. It would make a little girl

1242. very happy.

1243. Only for use against the most stubborn

1244. cold symptoms.

1245. Darn child-proof caps..

1246. Get him!

1247. Aah!

1248. Ooh-ah! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo..

1249. Ooh! Why you hit so hard?

1250. Uh.. Uhh!

1251. Dang it, Drix. I could use a little help here!

1252. Give me that thing!

1253. Oh!

1254. Oh, no. Not again.

1255. Wah!

1256. Y-you have something white on your lips.

1257. 'Other side.'

1258. - 'Uh-oh.' - Ohh..

1259. Ew!

1260. Get out!

1261. Out!

1262. 'The answer is no!'

1263. Absolutely not!

1264. Thanks. You saved my cytoplasm in there.

1265. Mr. Thrax has left the building!

1266. My name is what? My name is who?

1267. - Jones! - My name is, ah!

1268. Osmosis Jones!

1269. Now let's call in for a scab

1270. 'and get back to the precinct.'

1271. Jones, in my office.

1272. Hey, hey! Who died?

1273. Other than Thrax, that is.

1274. Brandy! I mean, Leah! What are you doing here?

1275. You really did it now, Jones.

1276. Mr. Mayor, I didn't see you back there.

1277. Disregarding orders, destruction of public flesh.

1278. Popping a pimple without a permit!

1279. What the heck were you doing up there?

1280. What was I doing?

1281. I was promoting good health, sir.

1282. Oh, is that what you call it?

1283. Sir, he was a lethal virus. If we hadn't stopped him—

1284. We'd be fried eggs off of Frank's dead butt!

1285. Watch your mouth, kid. Talk like that could cause a panic.

1286. At least that would start people thinking

1287. about what's going on in this body

1288. instead of thinking about some stupid trip!

1289. Okay, Jones. You want us to start thinking?

1290. Well, here's a thought.

1291. You're fired!

1292. - Uh, sir— - Mr. Mayor—

1293. I'll need your badge, mister.

1294. Figures.

1295. I finally do something right for Frank, and I get fired.

1296. - Osmosis.. - Please.

1297. Without Jones, Frank could have been in mortal danger.

1298. Oh, mortal danger, hmm?

1299. You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol?

1300. 'Get your name written up in the New England'

1301. 'Journal of Medicine.'

1302. Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm?

1303. "For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with—"

1304. Exactly. Temporary.

1305. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo.

1306. A generic brand, marked down

1307. over-the-counter, useless tic tac.

1308. Now, get out of my body!

1309. 'It appears that continuing cold symptoms'

1310. 'while annoying, will not derail plans for the upcoming trip'

1311. 'to the annual Buffalo chicken wing festival.'

1312. - What's so funny? - I don't know.

1313. They're making this too easy.

1314. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

1315. You know, in all the bodies I've been in,

1316. no one has ever gotten wise to me.

1317. And now, for the first time

1318. an immunity cell has figured out everything

1319. and they don't believe him.

1320. Can you taste the irony in that?

1321. Shut up!

1322. What are you two laughing at?

1323. Alright. Alright, we're back on schedule.

1324. But, boss, we're the only ones left.

1325. Maybe we should incubate for a while?

1326. You incubate.

1327. I said 48 hours, I'm gonna make my deadline.

1328. Ohh.. Ohh..

1329. Medical books aren't written about losers.

1330. I'm not going.

1331. You're not going where, hon?

1332. To Buffalo. I'm not going.

1333. Honey, I'm.. We're all packed.

1334. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.

1335. I'm going camping with my friends.

1336. You're welcome to join us.

1337. Well, I don't think—

1338. I'd really like you to come.

1339. No. No, no. No, no, no, I—

1340. You don't want me huffing and puffing after you.

1341. If you want to go camping, okay, I'll..

1342. I know I can get Uncle Bob to go with me to Buffalo.

1343. I'm tired of this. It's not fair.

1344. I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat.

1345. Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

1346. I think about you all the time.

1347. Were you thinking about me when you packed me

1348. a fried slim-jim sandwich for lunch?

1349. Yeah. It was a turkey slim-jim.

1350. You know, dad..

1351. maybe if you and mom

1352. listened to me a little more

1353. and took better care of yourselves

1354. maybe she'd still be here.

1355. Will you knock off that hamburger talk?

1356. Come here, honey. Hey..

1357. Your mom died..

1358. because she got sick.

1359. And how do you think you get sick?

1360. Germs.

1361. It's the way you eat.

1362. Who's that?

1363. Did you know my great-great-grandpappy

1364. fought the measles?

1365. Yep, there's been a Jones on the force

1366. ever since my ancestors came over

1367. 'on the umbilical cord.'

1368. Until now, that is.

1369. 'Alright, ladies. Wrap it up now.'

1370. Well, I, uh..

1371. I guess I should get going.

1372. Wouldn't want Frank to build up an immunity to me.

1373. Who knows? Maybe next time he takes Drixinol

1374. it'll be able to do him some good.

1375. Goodbye, Drips.

1376. That's Drix.

1377. Whatever.

1378. Alright, alright, people. Let's get started.

1379. I don't need to remind anyone

1380. that today is our trip to Buffalo, New York.

1381. Frank will be up in 20 minutes.

1382. I don't want him so much as losing an eyelash

1383. 'stubbing his toe today.'

1384. Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a free screening?

1385. We've got a live feed here broadcasting dreams all the way

1386. from the subconscious in the brain.

1387. 'You get back to work right now.'

1388. Mmm.

1389. That's right, big boy. You keep on dreaming.

1390. At least you got your health.

1391. Ninety-eight point six.

1392. Ninety-eight point six.

1393. Ninety-eight point six.

1394. Ah-ha! Perfect.

1395. Uh, you can't come in here.

1396. Aah!

1397. 'No! No! Aah!'

1398. Baby, you are looking fine today.

1399. Mmm..

1400. Yes.

1401. Ooh, yeah!

1402. And don't forget that donut seat cushion

1403. we take to the football games.

1404. I don't want the voters in the hemorrhoids

1405. having anything to complain about.

1406. Sir, something freaky

1407. is going on with the weather.

1408. We're probably drinking some hot coffee.

1409. Sir, look at the map.

1410. What if Jones is right?

1411. Jones? Ha-ha-ha!

1412. Funny, funny. Ohh!

1413. You care more about your stupid re-election

1414. than you care about all our lives.

1415. Something's going on, and I'm going

1416. to the hypothalamus to check it out.

1417. Hypo-who-de-what-is-this?

1418. Leah, wait! Who's going to answer the phones?

1419. 'All units be advised.'

1420. 'We have a break-in.'

1421. Sarge?

1422. Nah. Nothing down there but bad dreams.

1423. Huh? Wait, wait.

1424. 'Or maybe Shane would like to know'

1425. 'about the 200-yard restraining order..'

1426. 'Maybe if you and mom'

1427. 'listened to me a little more'

1428. 'and took better care of yourselves'

1429. 'maybe she'd still be here.'

1430. 'Now, get out of here!'

1431. - 'Get out! Ew!' - No. Um..

1432. You get back to work right now.

1433. Huh?

1434. What the heck is that?

1435. Francis Detorri, you stand up right now!

1436. Thrax is alive!

1437. Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!

1438. Oh, great, pal! Spoil the ending!

1439. Hey, buddy, what temperature you got?

1440. 98.6.

1441. Wait a minute, is this thing broken again?

1442. Drix!

1443. You get those skid marks out of my class, mister!

1444. Out the door, out the door.

1445. Out the door!

1446. Whew, this cat was sick

1447. before I even got here.

1448. 'Now, boarding, the 9:37 with non-stop..'

1449. Tickets, please.

1450. 'Keep it movin', let's go.'

1451. - 'Drix! Yo, Drix!' - Jones?

1452. Get your time-release butt off this boat.

1453. Thrax is alive. Come on, let's go.

1454. I-I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.

1455. Excuse me?

1456. I wasn't designed to combat a virus.

1457. Read my label.

1458. You gotta learn to think outside the pillbox, man.

1459. Come on, keep it movin'.

1460. I've known sugar pills who've cured cancer

1461. just because they believed they could.

1462. Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me.

1463. I'm cherry-flavored.

1464. Hey, pal, are you on or off?

1465. Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.

1466. The zipper's down.

1467. 'All ashore that's goin' ashore.'

1468. 'Jones?'

1469. You really know a sugar pill who cured cancer?

1470. Nah.

1471. But it makes for a good pep talk, don't it?

1472. 'Let's go catch a cold.'

1473. Hey, Shane, how about a hug for your Uncle Bob?

1474. Okay, nice talking to you, too.

1475. Hey, muscles!

1476. Well, you don't look so good.

1477. I feel a little fluey.

1478. You know what they say.

1479. Starve a cold..

1480. drown the flu, there you go.

1481. Your body needs fluids now

1482. and lots of 'em.

1483. Is beer fluid?

1484. Oh, of course it's fluid.

1485. What about all that wet stuff in it?

1486. I thought that was the beer.

1487. Oh, come on, no, finish that up.

1488. Come on, we wanna get better.

1489. Come on, there we go, that's it.

1490. That's my good washboard-tummy guy!

1491. There you go!

1492. This is it. Men, go, go, go, go!

1493. Hi, baby.

1494. - Ah! - Hold it, whoa!

1495. What are you waiting for? Shoot him!

1496. If you follow me, she dies!

1497. Let her go! Or I'll shoot!

1498. Hey, this ain't no time to get carsick.

1499. Don't worry about me. I'm one-eighth Dramamine.

1500. It's just this darn heat. Ay!

1501. Just as long as it don't hit 108 degrees

1502. or Frank's daughter's an orphan.

1503. Hey, Shane, look what I brought for you.

1504. They're false eyelashes.

1505. Whatever.

1506. Just close your eye.

1507. There you go. You look good with falsies.

1508. Whoa! Ah!

1509. - What the.. - Let me go! Ah!

1510. (Bob) 'Oh, don't worry about Shane.'

1511. 'Shane will be fine.'

1512. Well, I just want to, you know

1513. put her at ease.

1514. I don't want her to worry.

1515. Listen..

1516. why don't you sit her down and tell her

1517. that if anything ever happens to you

1518. I will take care of her, okay?

1519. I will raise her, I will nurture her

1520. I will love her, and then when she's sixteen

1521. I'll boot her out the door.

1522. Sixteen?

1523. Well, yeah, you know

1524. I'm not gonna mommy her forever, okay?

1525. I mean, sixteen? Sure.

1526. (Bob) 'Frank, are you alright?'

1527. 'All units, all units'

1528. 'we have a hostage situation'

1529. 'involving the mayor's aide.'

1530. Oh, no, Leah, girl, what were you thinking?

1531. And now we go live to a high-speed chase

1532. 'in the superior vena cava expressway.'

1533. 'Reports of a hostage are confirmed.'

1534. - Whoa! - Look out!

1535. 'Suspect is heading towards the uvula.'

1536. 'Repeat, heading towards the uvula.'

1537. What the heck is a u-vala?

1538. It's that little dangly thing

1539. that hangs down in Frank's—

1540. Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!

1541. (Bob) 'Not that little dangly thing!'

1542. The one in his throat!

1543. I knew that, I knew that.

1544. Frank? Are you with me?

1545. Frank, are you.. Frank, are you with me?

1546. - Are you okay? - Yes, I feel fine.

1547. Say it!

1548. Frank, Frank! Hold on here.

1549. Alright, that's it. Hey!

1550. You're going to the hospital. The trip is off.

1551. - Come on, pull it over. - 'The trip is off?'

1552. No!

1553. Shane, isn't that your dad?

1554. 'Oh, my god.'

1555. Stop the bus!

1556. Dad! Uncle Bob! Uncle Bob!

1557. Shane!

1558. Shane, what are you doing here?

1559. - What happened? - It's okay.

1560. - I'm her niece. - What happened?

1561. Um, well, honey, your daddy's had a little accident.

1562. - Is he okay? - Oh, sure, no.

1563. He's gonna be fine.

1564. I hope he's gonna be okay.

1565. Come on.

1566. Let me go! Hey, hey, watch the hands, buddy!

1567. - Hold up. - You better put me down!

1568. - A critical one here! - Let's go.

1569. What's the story on this one?

1570. I don't know, I-I don't know what it is.

1571. - The guy's burning up. - Alright.

1572. Let's move on my mark.

1573. One, two, lift!

1574. What is that nasty smell?

1575. Cherry. Wild cherry.

1576. Now, let her go.

1577. Why? So you can ice me again?

1578. No, so I can!

1579. Virus con dios.

1580. Jones! Oh, thank Frank!

1581. What's his temperature?

1582. - 106.2. - Put him in ice!

1583. 'Let's get some ice in here! We gotta cool this guy down.'

1584. - Go on in. - We need some ice in here!

1585. 'Right, I'll get it.'

1586. - Daddy? - Maggie.

1587. No! No, dad, it's me, Shane.

1588. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

1589. I ain't got time for this.

1590. Argh!

1591. 'This is Frank PD!'

1592. 'We have you surrounded!'

1593. Surrender at once!

1594. Give it up, Thrax. You're busted.

1595. Hand over the bracelet.

1596. Y'all are making this too easy. Ha-ha-ha!

1597. - Pollen? - Check this out.

1598. Oh, no!

1599. Dear mother of Frank!

1600. Enjoy the funeral, boys.

1601. Oh! We're dead!

1602. How's your aim?

1603. A lot better than yours.

1604. Jones, what do you think you're doing?

1605. Savin' Frank. Let's do it.

1606. You want Osmosis?

1607. You've got Osmosis.

1608. You just don't know when to quit

1609. do you, Jones?

1610. You know what, Jones?

1611. You want this chain so bad?

1612. Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it.

1613. Looks good on you, Jones.

1614. You wear it well.

1615. It's a shame you had to come this far from home just to die.

1616. Ha! Who's the germinator now?

1617. It's a falsie. Oh!

1618. Can you feel the heat, Jones?

1619. Too bad you won't be here

1620. to see me break my record

1621. when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.

1622. - She ain't goin' down. - Huh?

1623. - You are. - What? Unh!

1624. Argh! No! No!

1625. Argh! No!

1626. Whoa!

1627. poof

1628. We're losin' him. Breathe!

1629. - Come on, man. - Daddy!

1630. No, I don't want to lose you.

1631. - Take her outside. - Come on, honey.

1632. - There's nothing you can do. - No! No! That's my—

1633. The doctor's doing everything he can!

1634. - That's my dad! Dad! - Come on, honey, come on.

1635. Hey, wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Frank!

1636. Frank!

1637. Things are looking grim

1638. as temperatures rise to dangerous levels.

1639. We have lost all contact with the outer extremities.

1640. NNN will stay on the air as long as possible.

1641. When we come back, ordinary household appliances

1642. that can improve your golf swing.

1643. You, you silly twit!

1644. Don't you get it? We are going to die!

1645. Oh, I knew it, Dan, at the first dark cloud

1646. you fall apart.

1647. - Moron! - Phony!

1648. Gentlemen, playing with you

1649. has been the greatest pleasure of my life.

1650. He's not comin' back. He's not gonna make it.

1651. Come on, come on, he'll be, he'll be..

1652. - That's it. - No, wait!

1653. Hey, daddy!

1654. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that to you.

1655. 'I don't blame you at all for mom's death.'

1656. I didn't mean any of it.

1657. You're the greatest dad in the whole world.

1658. Aah!

1659. splash

1660. Look!

1661. Ozzy!

1662. 'Oh, Jones!'

1663. 'Get that thing to the hypothalamus now!'

1664. Okay, I'm callin' it.

1665. I'm sorry, sweetie. Come on.

1666. Come on, now. Come on.

1667. Wait a minute. He's got a pulse.

1668. He's comin' back.

1669. '107.7..'

1670. '... 107.6..'

1671. Mama says hi.

1672. As sweltering temperatures return to normal

1673. a grateful city salutes Osmosis Jones

1674. the brave officer who saved us all.

1675. Patrolman Jones has just been reinstated

1676. to the immunity force with full privileges.

1677. Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you

1678. to keep Frank in shape?

1679. You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.

1680. I don't know.

1681. You're gonna have to talk to my new partner

1682. if he feels like hangin' around a little while.

1683. But my work visa's expired.

1684. Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid

1685. and get you a good lawyer.

1686. Come here, baby.

1687. I'm still jonesin' for a little more osmosis.

1688. Oh, my God.

1689. Look how beautiful.

1690. Didn't I tell you it'd be worth it?

1691. I didn't think I could break a sweat comin' up here

1692. but I did.

1693. Yeah. It was kind of a long drive.

1694. Carrot?

1695. Hmm. I wonder what this does?

1696. Hmm. Oh!

1697. - Dad! - Was that you?

1698. - Oh. - What the heck?

1699. Out with the old, in with the new.