- 1. This is the best part
of my day, every day.
- 2. I always wanted to be a dad.
It just took 46 years for it to happen.
- 3. When people ask me why,
I tell 'em to fuck off.
- 4. Or I just say
I hadn't met the right woman yet.
- 5. Ah, there she is. Leah.
- 6. Got the second one in the oven,
and she still looks great.
- 7. According to her,
the reason I got such a late start
- 8. is because I had an unhappy childhood.
- 9. But I'm not gonna whine about it.
- 10. That's what vegans do.
- 11. I'm just gonna make sure
my kids are prepared
- 12. for whatever this world has to offer.
- 13. Slow down.
- 14. Unfortunately, I have no idea
what that is anymore.
- 15. For some reason,
I can't leave my kid in the car
- 16. to run into a convenience store,
- 17. but that same store
can sell him food so full of hormones
- 18. he'll be able to grow a beard
by the third grade.
- 19. But nobody gives a shit
- 20. because they're too busy
jerking off to Internet porn.
- 21. Buddy.
- 22. What do you say there, Jackie boy?
- 23. - Oh, you motherfucking—
- You're up.
- 24. Goddamn.
I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
- 25. Hey! Give me the stick!
Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
- 26. Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?
- 27. Colin pushed me.
- 28. Yeah, I know he did.
- 29. I told you if you play rough,
rough things are gonna happen, right?
- 30. - Here, let me see.
- Colin, give me the stick!
- 31. Ah, that's not so bad.
Just rub some dirt on it, buddy.
- 32. There you go.
- 33. You might wanna get him checked
or at least put a little Neosporin on it.
- 34. That thing could get infected.
- 35. - Who are you?
- I'm, uh, Hunter Lewis.
- 36. Lisa's husband.
Just moved in across the street.
- 37. Thanks for having me.
- 38. Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor,
or are you just one of those WebMD guys?
- 39. It's just common knowledge.
You wanna keep the cut clean.
- 40. Oh, is it? Listen, I'm trying to raise
a little man here, not a fucking pussy.
- 41. So I appreciate your concern.
- 42. But why don't you just go back
to your hard seltzer
- 43. and, you know, go on Twitter and go share
the story where you're the hero?
- 44. Okay.
- 45. Daddy, you said a bad word.
- 46. Yeah, I know I did, buddy.
Sometimes you have to, all right?
- 47. Don't tell your mother. She'll kill me.
I love you. Come on. Let's get up.
- 48. Hang on, Jack! Hang on! Hang on!
- 49. Colin's got something
he wants to say to you, kid.
- 50. But, Dad, he pushed me first—
- 51. Hey, no, no, no. I don't care. Okay?
- 52. You don't hit somebody with a stick.
We don't hit our friends.
- 53. Let's apologize now.
Say you're sorry to Nate. Come on.
- 54. No!
- 55. Hey, come on. Don't cry.
- 56. Come on. It's okay, buddy.
Say you're sorry.
- 57. I'm just asking you to apologize.
You don't gotta freak out.
- 58. - Hey, buddy. Ah, shit.
- 59. Okay, okay. What is going on?
Why is he screaming?
- 60. Because he hit Nate with a stick,
and I told him to apologize.
- 61. What you're feeling now
is what you're feeling, okay?
- 62. Let it out.
- 63. - I don't think that—
- I don't need you to think now.
- 64. You need to respect your son's autonomy
- 65. and really let him process
how crossing this boundary
- 66. is affecting his ever-evolving moral code.
- 67. I want my stick!
- 68. Stick, where is it?
- 69. It's...
- 70. Jack. How's Nate doing in school?
- 71. Great, you know. He's comin' along.
Uh, how's your little one doing?
- 72. He's great. He's perfect.
- 73. Yeah?
- 74. Come on, bro. I...
- 75. - No!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- 76. Jesus!
- 77. I'm gonna murder you. I swear to God.
Let's go get a drink. Come on.
- 78. - How fucking sad is that?
- He did it to himself.
- 79. Yes, he did.
- 80. - No!
- Come on, stop it.
- 81. Did you see that? That kid is a maniac.
- 82. Yeah, he's a lunatic.
- 83. I'm gonna say something to Cara.
It's too much.
- 84. No, no, no. Don't say anything.
- 85. I'm not gonna freak out on her.
I'm just gonna talk to her.
- 86. - Like, mom to mom. It's what moms do.
- Mike, should she say something?
- 87. Three cardinal rules of friendship.
- 88. Don't bring up politics.
Don't bring up religion.
- 89. And don't try to tell people
how to raise their kids.
- 90. Oh, I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't realize
you had your own daytime talk show.
- 91. Harvard. Duke.
- 92. Girlfriend, ex-wife.
- 93. - It's kinda airtight, honey.
- Mmm, kind of. Not really.
- 94. What'd she mean by that?
- 95. Uh, she's just breaking your balls.
- 96. Look, we're happy for you guys.
- 97. We're wondering when you're gonna make
an honest woman out of Britney.
- 98. I told you. She doesn't wanna get married.
She doesn't wanna have kids.
- 99. All she wants to do
is fuck me and go to the gym.
- 100. Goddamn, Mike.
You found a fucking unicorn.
- 101. What?
- 102. It's a team sport.
- 103. You okay, buddy?
- 104. This is the company
my friends and I started 23 years ago.
- 105. We make high-end throwback jerseys.
- 106. But I got talked into selling the company
- 107. so I could afford
to send my son to private school,
- 108. where all the kids are dressed
like fucking news anchors.
- 109. Goes against everything I believe in,
but I'd do anything for my kid.
- 110. Dude, what are you doing?
- 111. You look like
you just ran over a dog. Come on.
- 112. It's a great fucking day for us.
- 113. Is it?
- 114. We're about to become
employees of our own company.
- 115. Jack, selling a business
and the owner staying on
- 116. is older than discovering
a country that already has people.
- 117. There you go.
- 118. Not to mention, the time to complain
was before we signed the deal.
- 119. - I did complain about it.
- Yeah, but you complain about everything.
- 120. Oh, I do not.
- 121. Relax. It's gonna be great.
- 122. Well, that's easy for you to say.
You're home free.
- 123. Yeah, that's true.
You got no more child support.
- 124. - You got college taken care of.
- 125. What are gonna do now?
Airbnb your kids' rooms, you cheap prick?
- 126. Laugh now, motherfuckers, but wait
till you see what I got coming next.
- 127. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.
- 128. What's up, party people?
- 129. - Morning, everyone!
- Morning, guys.
- 130. Morning.
- 131. Monica, what's poppin', girl?
- 132. Good morning, Connor.
- 133. Yo, you happen to check
that new joint from Lil Baby
- 134. dropped on Twitter last night?
- 135. - No.
- What? Boom. Come on. Pound it out.
- 136. Ah, it's okay. Thanks.
- 137. - Oh God.
- There he goes again.
- 138. Don't sleep on Lil Baby,
on any of the babies.
- 139. I heard Big Baby got something
coming out too. It's gonna be fire.
- 140. Big Baby?
- 141. Yeah, you... you peep him yet?
- 142. I don't believe I have, no.
- 143. What? He's fleek.
- 144. - Oh.
- Yeah, he's on fleek. Flickity-fleek.
- 145. Connor, come on.
- 146. - Aight. Gotta bounce.
- 147. - One love. One love, girl.
- Okay. Okay.
- 148. One love, y'all.
- 149. You know,
she's never gonna think you're cool.
- 150. I am cool, Jack. I'm sorry
that you feel threatened by that.
- 151. Oh, I think everybody's threatened by it.
- 152. All right, you two, lock it down.
We gotta impress this dude.
- 153. Wait. By "this dude,"
- 154. you mean the douchebag
half our age we now work for?
- 155. I don't know, Jack.
If I were you, I'd give him a chance.
- 156. I hear Aspen has
a real collaborative leadership style.
- 157. That guy?
- 158. He looks like
he's in a musical about janitors.
- 159. Play nice, Jack.
The new owners love him.
- 160. And if we wanna get paid,
we gotta keep our jobs.
- 161. Gentlemen. What an honor.
- 162. Aspen Bell.
- 163. - Mike.
- 164. - Hey! Connor.
- Oh! I'm gonna get some of that? Ah!
- 165. - Jack. Good.
- Hey, how are you? That's all right.
- 166. Okay. Uh, guys.
Yeah, have a seat. Get comfortable.
- 167. Wow! The trifecta behind Trifecta.
- 168. This is some broad shoulders
to stand on, boys.
- 169. Let's get right to it.
- 170. Look, this is your company, right?
- 171. You built it.
- 172. And I want you to know that I respect
the shit out of what you've done here.
- 173. I mean, come on, throwback jerseys?
- 174. You didn't just start the trend.
You perfected it.
- 175. The breathability of this fabric.
- 176. Must have been sewn by the gods.
- 177. Actually, it was sewn together
by some hardworking women in Koreatown.
- 178. But, uh, thank you.
We're, uh, very proud of it.
- 179. And you should be.
- 180. You should be very proud
of everything that you've done here.
- 181. And I want you to know
that my door will always be open to you.
- 182. But I'm gonna break some eggs
because I'm a disruptor.
- 183. It's in my DNA.
- 184. What does that mean?
- 185. It means that we're gonna pivot.
- 186. This company is now a gender-neutral,
- 187. 21st-century lifestyle apparel brand.
- 188. And the first step in that is
to liberate everyone born before 1988.
- 189. For what? All of us?
- 190. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck?
That's, like, half the company.
- 191. - Calm down, man.
- You calm down.
- 192. - Let's go.
- Damien's 35? Goddamn, he looks good.
- 193. Hey, what happened to two weeks' notice?
You can't just kick 'em out.
- 194. Don't touch me.
- 195. These people put their hearts and souls
into this business.
- 196. And we signed them up for Zip Recruiter.
They're gonna have a new job in no time.
- 197. Look, we are living in an exponential era.
- 198. Hmm.
- 199. Jack, change and growth,
these things happen faster than they did
- 200. when you were young.
- 201. I mean, look at me.
- 202. I'm 28 years old, and I've already worked
for 15 different start-ups.
- 203. - Is that something you wanna brag about?
- 204. Success does not care
about the way that you feel.
- 205. I want people to come in here
with a smile on their face,
- 206. but I need them
to have Kevlar in their souls.
- 207. If that's too much to ask,
- 208. then I don't care
how long you've been here.
- 209. You're gonna be out the door.
- 210. Is that a threat?
- 211. No, no. It's just transparent leadership.
- 212. Look, I care about you.
- 213. In fact, there is this woman
I would love for you to go see.
- 214. She's an old friend of my mom.
She has had a lot of success
- 215. helping people in your situation
to restrain their aggressive tendencies.
- 216. You want me to go see a shrink?
- 217. I appreciate you.
- 218. "I appreciate you."I appreciate you."
- 219. Fucking sociopath hipster douche.
- 220. Gonna threaten me
in my own goddamn building?
- 221. I'll fucking knock you out,
throw you in a bag of laundry,
- 222. and they'll never fucking see you again.
- 223. Oh my God!
- 224. Come on! I'm gonna be late.
- 225. Just fucking sitting there.
- 226. Oh, look at this fucking asshole.
- 227. Fucking 30-year-old man riding a kids' toy
right in the middle of the fucking street!
- 228. Get over!
- 229. What's he doing now? Is he freestyling?
Is he making a YouTube video?
- 230. Oh my God!
How fucking self-involved are you?
- 231. Share the road!
- 232. Hey, I agree!
- 233. So, why don't you get up onto
the fucking sidewalk where you belong?
- 234. Oh, is that for me?
Oh, you a tough guy now, huh? Huh?
- 235. Where you going,
you little cocksucker, huh?
- 236. What?
- 237. When was the last time you saw
one of those bastards stop at a stop sign?
- 238. Then they get hit and frost the thing
like some unforeseen tragedy happened.
- 239. Am I wrong?
- 240. Yes.
- 241. Toxic.
- 242. Oh, look at this. Of course.
- 243. Unbelievable.
- 244. 500 people come here every day,
and they got 20 fucking spots.
- 245. How much money do you have to pay
to get a parking lot?
- 246. What does that say?
- 247. I'm not reading all that fucking shit.
- 248. Eh, fuck it. Be in and out.
- 249. So, you are reading
to your kids every night?
- 250. Uh, we do 17—
- 251. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, sir?
- 252. Yeah?
- 253. - You were late for pickup.
- I'm sorry. There was no parking spots.
- 254. - Daddy! Daddy!
- Nate! Hey, little buddy.
- 255. Ah! What's up?
- 256. What's up?
- 257. - I've missed you, man.
- Me too.
- 258. - How was school?
- 259. - You were late for pickup.
- Yeah, I told you I couldn't find a spot.
- 260. I'm sorry. We don't accept excuses.
- 261. Wasn't an excuse. Just what happened.
- 262. Plus, I was only, like,
two minutes late, right, buddy?
- 263. - Have you read the school guidebook?
- 264. What?
- 265. It's a dollar
for every minute you're late.
- 266. Of course it is.
- 267. Okay.
- 268. - Here's five bucks. It's all I got.
- Oh, no. The first violation is free.
- 269. Really? Well, why didn't you tell me that
before I put my kid down?
- 270. Well, if you'd actually read the guidebook
instead of just saying you did,
- 271. I wouldn't have to tell you anything.
- 272. - Is there, like, a problem here, miss?
- Well, actually—
- 273. If you have some issue with me,
- 274. you take me aside in private,
and you talk to me.
- 275. You don't dress me down
in front of my kid.
- 276. I'm paying you to educate my son,
not me, okay?
- 277. Oh. Well, we here
at Little Hearts and Minds
- 278. believe that education
extends into the home.
- 279. Oh, do you? Fantastic.
- 280. And once again, you'd know that
if you'd picked up the guidebook and—
- 281. Jesus Christ!
I read the goddamn fucking guidebook!
- 282. All right, you stumpy little cunt?
- 283. Wow!
- 284. Oh my God.
- 285. Let's go, Nate.
- 286. Daddy, what's a cunt?
- 287. Somebody that gives you shit
for being two seconds late for pickup.
- 288. How you doing?
- 289. Okay, buddy, we're home.
Now what are we gonna do?
- 290. Forget what happened
and finish my ice cream.
- 291. That's right.
- 292. Hey, buddy, was that good?
- 293. Ah, you're the best. Here.
Let's get you cleaned up real quick.
- 294. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
- 295. Yep, okay, cool.
- 296. All right. Nothing but happiness
when we go in there, okay? Awesome.
- 297. Mommy!
- 298. Well, hey! How are you, buddy?
- 299. - Hey, how was your meeting, honey?
- Oh, it was good! How was pickup?
- 300. Oh, it was great,
- 301. Hey, you wanna go watch Puppy Dog Pals?
- 302. - Puppy Dog Pals!
- Puppy Dog Pals. Yay!
- 303. Jack.
- 304. Uneventful? I just got off the phone
with Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner.
- 305. Oh boy.
- 306. What is uneventful about calling
Nate's principal a stumpy "C"?
- 307. If you saw the way she was talking to me,
it was a perfectly normal response.
- 308. - For who?
- Anyone with a shred of dignity.
- 309. Keep it down.
- 310. Anyone with a shred of dignity.
- 311. Okay, she was talking to me
like some deadbeat dad
- 312. for showing up
a minute and a half late for pickup.
- 313. Oh my God!
This has nothing to do with your dignity.
- 314. This has everything
to do with our son's academic future.
- 315. Do you know how powerful
Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner is?
- 316. Her kindergarten recommendation
- 317. makes or breaks
whether he gets into The Meadows.
- 318. Great. So we'll send him
to a different private school.
- 319. She writes the recommendation
no matter where he goes.
- 320. Great! Then it's public school.
That place wasn't that bad, and it's free.
- 321. Are you kidding me?
- 322. That place was that bad.
- 323. - You admitted that—
- 324. That one was that bad.
And you said it was that bad. Okay?
- 325. We have been over this.
We've looked at all the data.
- 326. Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking data!
Your generation and the data.
- 327. - What?
- The data, the data, the data.
- 328. Here's some data for you, okay?
- 329. Not having your every need catered to
is actually a good thing.
- 330. I went to public school.
I turned out fine.
- 331. Where you learned to talk to principals?
- 332. No, it's where I learned
to stick up for myself.
- 333. You need to fix this.
- 334. And you need to talk to someone
about your anger.
- 335. Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking therapy.
Here we go.
- 336. - Great. Fine. Fine!
- Always with the therapy.
- 337. Go ahead, white-knuckle it
through this world.
- 338. But tomorrow,
you're gonna go into that school,
- 339. and you are going to apologize.
- 340. Good, fine. You think I'm afraid of that?
I'll go down there right now.
- 341. Great.
- 342. She's not the first person
I ever called that word.
- 343. Don't worry. I'll smooth it right over.
- 344. Jack, Leah. Thanks so much for coming.
- 345. Thank you so much
for meeting with us, honestly.
- 346. Yes. Doctor Shmieckel-Turner,
I... I just wanted to—
- 347. Uh, please, call me Doctor I.
- 348. - Doctor L, I just wanna say—
- No, no. Save those thoughts.
- 349. - Oh, okay.
- 350. Oh.
- 351. Oh, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
- 352. We're gonna do this
in front of the whole school?
- 353. Um...
- 354. We view this more as a village
than a school.
- 355. And we firmly believe
in the practice of restorative justice,
- 356. or gacaca.
- 357. A common practice in Rwanda
which was especially effective
- 358. in the aftermath of their genocide.
- 359. And please, join the other parents.
- 360. Oh. Okay.
- 361. Okay. Wow!
- 362. That's quite a turnout.
- 363. Um... All right, um...
- 364. I guess, uh, looking back,
- 365. I, uh, let my emotions
get the best of me yesterday,
- 366. and, um, I wish I could have chosen
my words a little bit differently.
- 367. All right?
- 368. And I am sorry that six of you heard this
and then told the other 40.
- 369. And, uh, to any of the children
that heard what I said,
- 370. it's never okay to say those words, okay?
- 371. I... I was very, very wrong. All right?
- 372. So that's it. Have a nice morning
and, uh, keep using those paper straws.
- 373. I know they get soggy, but they're good
for the turtles, evidently.
- 374. - Thank you.
- Okay. No, no. Jack. Jack. Jack.
- 375. Yeah. We... we appreciate the words,
- 376. but the process of healing
has only just begun.
- 377. - Yes, Judy.
- Yes, thank you.
- 378. Um, I would just like to voice
how incredibly hurt I am.
- 379. Mr. Kelly, do you understand
that using the C-word
- 380. is like the N-word but for women?
- 381. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah, I'm... I'm sure... I'm sure it is.
- 382. You know, other than
the 400 years of slavery
- 383. and continued systemic oppression.
- 384. Other than that, I think
you're making a really solid point.
- 385. Yes, Mimi.
- 386. Even though I wasn't there,
- 387. just knowing that language like that
was used in front of the child—
- 388. Oh, Jesus Christ.
- 389. Please. Brian.
- 390. As a parent of a child and someone
with chronically low metabolism,
- 391. but loving my body...
- 392. - Oh. Good for you, Brian.
- 393. your use of the word "stumpy" was
a real trigger to me and my whole family.
- 394. Seriously?
- 395. Yes.
- 396. Any type of body-shaming just reminds me
- 397. of what it feels like to be told
that my body ain't good enough.
- 398. Oh, okay. All right.
- 399. Well, I understand that,
and I'm sorry I made you feel that way.
- 400. And I'd also like to add,
and I think a lot of you would agree,
- 401. we do have a major weight problem
in this country. Do we not, you know?
- 402. And it doesn't just affect
this man and his child.
- 403. I mean, the burden
- 404. that out-of-shape people
put on our healthcare system,
- 405. not to mention the loved ones
they leave behind is...
- 406. it's truly, truly heartbreaking.
- 407. And I... I think, as a community,
we should be able to talk about it.
- 408. Like maybe put a salad bar at drop-off
or something like that.
- 409. Oh man! I would love that.
- 410. All right. Maybe... maybe not now.
- 411. Wrap it up. Thank you.
- 412. Uh, I'd just like to say
- 413. that I am truly sorry
for my actions yesterday.
- 414. They have no place in this community.
Okay? All right.
- 415. I'm sorry. Have a nice morning. Good day.
- 416. Eh, eh. Uh...
- 417. Okay. Okay, let's all thank Jack.
- 418. It's not easy to admit when we are wrong.
- 419. This is going to be
a long... a long journey.
- 420. But I know we will all
be there to support him.
- 421. What the fuck?
What does she mean by "long journey"?
- 422. The journey's over.
I just apologized to her
- 423. and a bunch of weak-kneed people
who weren't even there.
- 424. She doesn't write Nate's recommendation
for another three months.
- 425. - So?
- 426. You have a long time to prove to her
that you are a good dad.
- 427. But why do I need to do that?
- 428. Because this recommendation is as much
about Nate as it is about us as parents.
- 429. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Is it ever over with these people?
- 430. I mean, how many fucking hoops
do you have to jump through?
- 431. I don't know, Jack,
but you created this problem.
- 432. So, are you going to man up and solve it,
or am I registering for two pacifiers?
- 433. - Well?
- All right.
- 434. I will play nice, and I will jump
through all the hoops, okay?
- 435. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Have a good day.
- 436. Hi, baby.
I grilled up some buffalo steaks,
- 437. and there's a Manhattan
waiting for you on the table.
- 438. Goddamn, baby. You look good.
- 439. Follow me.
- 440. Just what I needed tonight.
- 441. Well, I do know
how to take care of my man.
- 442. Go on. Sit down.
- 443. Have a drink. Get all nice and relaxed.
- 444. Why? What happened?
- 445. Nothing.
- 446. No—
- 447. Okay, well,
I do have to tell you something,
- 448. but you have to promise to not get mad.
- 449. I went to too many years of law school
to agree to something like that.
- 450. What's going on?
- 451. Well,
- 452. I'm late.
- 453. There's no way. That's impossible.
- 454. I couldn't believe it either.
- 455. I had a vasectomy, and I pull out.
- 456. I... I know.
I don't know how it happened, but...
- 457. maybe there's a reason.
- 458. Pee again.
- 459. - What?
- Pee again!
- 460. I did. Three times.
- 461. Well, it's not mine, so go take a test.
- 462. I mean, look at it this way.
You got really strong sperm.
- 463. You should be proud.
- 464. Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cum
is usually, like, asthmatic, you know,
- 465. but your shit's, like,
Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.
- 466. Yeah. To plow through
a vasectomy with pre-cum.
- 467. - I mean, that's unheard of.
- Come on.
- 468. That's like some Braveheart- level jizz.
- 469. Yeah, dude.
You're like a Black William Wallace.
- 470. Pre-cum!
- 471. Sorry.
- 472. Mike, this is gonna be great, okay?
And remember, kids keep you young.
- 473. No, they don't.
- 474. My kids almost killed me.
- 475. Oh, come on.
- 476. Don't you remember
the beauty of becoming a dad?
- 477. The smell of a newborn baby's head.
I mean, it's the best.
- 478. They're funny, Mike. They're funny.
- 479. They say funny shit.
They think farts are funny.
- 480. In the morning, he comes running in.
"Pull my finger. Pull my finger."
- 481. Wet one. It's funny.
- 482. It's adorable.
- 483. Another thing, you come home,
they're excited to see you.
- 484. How many places do you walk in,
and people just freak out
- 485. and start running at you,
screaming your name?
- 486. You come home,
you feel like you're famous.
- 487. Yeah, exactly.
They don't die after 12 years.
- 488. - Exactly.
- Like a dog.
- 489. Hopefully.
- 490. Mike, this is gonna be great.
We all get to do it together.
- 491. Yeah.
- 492. Jack, you've aged ten years
since Nate was born.
- 493. Connor, I don't know what's up with you
'cause you don't fucking age.
- 494. - Thanks, buddy.
- It's not a compliment.
- 495. I don't know
what kind of Botox shit you're on,
- 496. but it's gonna kill you.
- 497. All right, dude. Ease up. Okay?
I didn't fucking get you pregnant.
- 498. Just... If you don't want the baby,
just get an abortion.
- 499. Flush it.
- 500. I don't believe in that.
That's some white shit.
- 501. - What's that mean?
- 502. I don't know. I'm emotional.
- 503. She said she didn't wanna have kids.
- 504. What the fuck am I gonna do?
- 505. - I'm having a heart attack.
- You're not.
- 506. - Can we get some water? Just breathe.
- I'm gonna have a heart attack.
- 507. You're not gonna have a heart attack.
You go to the gym.
- 508. Nobody has a heart attack
that goes to the gym.
- 509. Except... Remember that jogging guy?
He died of a heart attack.
- 510. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Remember that guy?
- 511. Good morning, everyone.
- 512. Morning, Doctor I.
- 513. - Oh!
- Hey, buddy.
- 514. I'll see ya. Have fun. Okay?
- 515. Is that for me?
- 516. Oh, it's for the whole community.
Yeah, it's an olive tree.
- 517. Very drought-friendly.
And an eternal symbol of peace.
- 518. I thought it'd be a nice way to cultivate
the kids', uh, social-emotional growth.
- 519. Something we work on a lot
with Nate at home, you know?
- 520. Well, I... I am impressed.
- 521. But this tree is incompatible
with our ecosystem.
- 522. The insects that it would attract
- 523. would be detrimental
to all plant life here.
- 524. This is a funny moment.
- 525. Yeah. You and I are having a—
- 526. What?
- 527. I find it so apropos that you have brought
the plant version of yourself.
- 528. Jack, I appreciate the effort.
- 529. I know how hard this is for you.
- 530. But fortunately, I am here to guide you.
- 531. If you're willing to take my advice.
Is that something you'd be open to?
- 532. - I need a verbal confirmation.
- 533. Walk with me.
- 534. As you can see, this is
such a dynamic and whimsical place.
- 535. A launching pad
for the next generation of great leaders.
- 536. Such as Nate.
- 537. But they'll never reach the stratosphere
without enough fuel.
- 538. Our annual fundraiser is coming up,
- 539. and given your leadership experience
- 540. I think you might make a great chairman.
- 541. - Me?
- What do you think?
- 542. I think I'm beginning
to see how this school works.
- 543. Let's go. You're fucking getting to ten.
- 544. - Let's go!
- Ah! I got it.
- 545. - Are you a pussy?
- 546. - Are you a pussy?
- You're a pussy.
- 547. You're a fucking pussy.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- 548. Come on. What are you, on your period?
Let's go. Look at me. Look at me.
- 549. - Look at me!
- Ah, I'm looking.
- 550. That's it. Let's go.
One more. One more. One more.
- 551. - Come on! That's all you! That's all you!
- 552. All right. Let's go. Down. Down.
- 553. Up high. Twice. Ah! Fuck Pilates!
- 554. - Whoo!
- That was a good set.
- 555. - So, you gonna help me with this thing?
- Fuck, no.
- 556. - Come on. It's just a fundraiser meeting.
- I said no.
- 557. What about that time
I pretended to be your dad
- 558. 'cause you were lying to that chick
about your age, huh?
- 559. I have no recollection of that incident.
- 560. Oh, you don't? You don't?
Isn't that convenient?
- 561. Hey, there's Mike.
- 562. - That Britney's car?
- I don't think so.
- 563. Look at the plates.
Someone went crazy on CarMax.
- 564. You know what? I give you two-to-one
- 565. there's no more baby,
and there's no more Britney.
- 566. - No. You think so?
- Yeah. Fifty bucks.
- 567. Fifty? Hundred.
- 568. - Hundred. C-note?
- 569. - C-note!
- 570. - All right. Be cool.
- All right.
- 571. - Hey!
- Yo, yo, yo.
- 572. - Look who's here. Big Mike!
- What's cracking?
- 573. - Man, how are you?
- What's up, baby?
- 574. - You look good.
- You get a new car?
- 575. Ford Fusion SEL, fully loaded.
- 576. Heated seats, Bluetooth, dual sunroof.
- 577. Delivered straight to my door.
You wanna take it for a spin?
- 578. Me? Nah, I'm good. I'll just rent one
the next time I go to Tampa.
- 579. Hey, so, you and Britney
still having the kid, right?
- 580. Yeah, why wouldn't we be?
- 581. I don't know. Everything you're doing
is suggesting you took a mulligan.
- 582. Why can't I be raising the kid
and have the car of my dreams?
- 583. And pick up
a Boyz II Men pinball machine on eBay.
- 584. People say it's impossible.
- 585. Well, fuck those people
because I'm doing it. Huh?
- 586. All right.
- 587. - Fuck.
- Let's get it in, fellas.
- 588. All right. Pay up, or go to the meeting.
- 589. Motherfucker.
- 590. Okay, I can get the VFW
to give us the space for free.
- 591. My buddy Mitch has
a wholesale liquor company.
- 592. We get the booze at cost, and that just
leaves the entertainment and the auction.
- 593. Uh, but what's the theme?
- 594. What's the theme?
You know, everybody takes an Uber.
- 595. We all get ripped.
Take a night off from our kids.
- 596. You know what? I think she's right.
I think we need a theme.
- 597. - Yeah.
- We definitely need a theme.
- 598. Last year's theme was
the Puerto Rican Day Parade.
- 599. - That was great.
- We had Tito Puente Jr.
- 600. How about an '80s-themed party?
- 601. Now there's an idea.
- 602. - I fucking love the '80s.
- Fucking '80s are the best.
- 603. Tank tops, T-tops, and blow, baby.
- 604. Finger-banging for days. Miami Vice!
- 605. That's what started that whole thing,
sport coats with the T-shirt underneath.
- 606. Yeah. No socks. Remember?
You fold over the pant, roll it up.
- 607. - No... Yeah.
- Boom. Hummer.
- 608. Are we reliving your childhood
or planning a party?
- 609. I'm always down for a party.
- 610. - I am too.
- 611. How about "We Are the World"?
That's an interesting song. Right?
- 612. And, you know, it's inclusive.
- 613. Deals with Africa.
We got a lot of Black kids in the school.
- 614. Uh— Wha— I... I mean,
I guess it is kind of inclusive.
- 615. Inclusive adjacent, but some of us
weren't even born in the '80s.
- 616. So I just think that, like,
why would we be looking backwards?
- 617. You know? Like, our whole vibe here
at this school and this whole community
- 618. is... is looking forward,
and I just don't think it really lines up.
- 619. I've got it.
What about the United States of Gender?
- 620. - There it is. Oh my God. I love that!
- I know. I love it.
- 621. We could have an entirely trans waitstaff.
It'd be great!
- 622. Okay. Wait, guys. There's gonna be a lot
of different people here at this party.
- 623. Maybe we should try to keep it
a little more mainstream.
- 624. Hmm. Define mainstream.
- 625. I don't know, like, you know,
not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.
- 626. - Oh my God!
- Tranny? You cannot say that word!
- 627. What are you supposed to say?
- 628. Trans!
- 629. Oh, all right. Well, I was close.
Trans, tranny. It's like Mike, Mikey.
- 630. Mikey!
- 631. Yeah. I mean, people call me
a ginger. I don't give a fuck.
- 632. I didn't mean anything by it.
All right. Trans.
- 633. I think if we could just peer through
the fog of Jack's antiquated logic,
- 634. we'll all realize that Jack's trying
to bring us together, okay?
- 635. He's trying to move us forward,
not polarize us, okay?
- 636. Can I just... Can I just...
- 637. Is there a reason we always have
- 638. two white men dominating
the discussion in this room?
- 639. Was that directed at us?
- 640. 'Cause if I'm not mistaken,
you're also a white male, buddy.
- 641. Why don't you consult the results
of my 23andMe test?
- 642. Because the 3% of my lineage
that is Sri Lankan
- 643. is really not appreciating
your tone in this moment.
- 644. So I'm gonna need you
to check your privilege.
- 645. - Check my privilege?
- That's right. Check your privilege.
- 646. Okay. Uh, why don't we concentrate
on the silent auction?
- 647. That's not a white guy?
- 648. I'm confused.
- 649. Oh my God! Look at this place.
It just gets more depressing every day.
- 650. What up, party people?
- 651. Ah! What up, fam?
- 652. Yo, y'all check out that TikTok video
of the couple exchanging clothes?
- 653. What?
- 654. Uh, no, I'm not actually on TikTok, man.
- 655. What? What are you on an Android phone?
- 656. - Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am.
- Yeah. Me too.
- 657. It's open-source software.
- 658. - Yes! Yes!
- Right? That's what I'm talking about.
- 659. Fuck.
- 660. Yo. Did you feel that earthquake
this morning? You feel that?
- 661. Don't worry.
- 662. It's just my thoughts.
- 663. Fame.
- 664. It was once only
the provenance of the talented.
- 665. But now we are living in an era
- 666. in which everyone believes
that they deserve to be famous.
- 667. The fame bubble is big, my friends.
And it's about to burst.
- 668. You can already see the cracks.
- 669. Celebrities announcing they're taking
a break from social media
- 670. by taking a selfie
and posting it to social media.
- 671. It's insane.
- 672. And we are going to make
an insane amount of money
- 673. by making not wanting fame the new fame.
- 674. We're gonna find a brand ambassador.
- 675. Someone who earnestly does not crave fame.
- 676. Introducing Ed Cameron.
- 677. He is the LeBron James
of not being famous.
- 678. Lives on a plot
of alopeciad land in New Mexico.
- 679. He is entirely self-sustaining.
- 680. And as far as we know,
he's had little to no human contact,
- 681. not since the late 1980s.
- 682. How did you find him?
- 683. Well, it wasn't easy.
- 684. But in 1976,
- 685. he signed up for a raffle
at a local church.
- 686. That information was sold to Mammoth Mart,
- 687. who then sold it
to Columbia Record and Tape Club,
- 688. who turned right around
and sold it to JPMorgan Chase.
- 689. And then they got hacked,
and it ended up on the dark web,
- 690. so that was a little harder to—
- 691. It's not that important to talk about
how we acquired his personal information.
- 692. Doesn't matter.
- 693. What matters
is how we're gonna bring him in.
- 694. And I got three words for ya.
- 695. Jack, Mike, Connor, the founding fathers.
- 696. Whoa, whoa! What?
- 697. You want all three of us
to go pitch this guy?
- 698. Yeah. Yeah, with my boy, Trav.
- 699. Why is Travis coming?
- 700. Good question, Connor. I appreciate you.
- 701. Hey, hey. This guy chose to live
in the middle of nowhere.
- 702. Yeah.
- 703. So, how the hell are we gonna convince him
to become famous?
- 704. Ah!
- 705. Therein lies the work, Jack.
- 706. Do you think
that Steve Jobs invented things?
- 707. - Yeah. Quite a bit, actually.
- 708. - iPad.
- 709. He said things,
and then other people did them.
- 710. So I've said things today,
- 711. and I want you to go and do those things.
- 712. Jack, what do you think
we're walkin' into here?
- 713. I mean, you think this guy
is even gonna be able to speak English?
- 714. Yeah.
When did he go off the grid?
- 715. Like, 1988.
- 716. - Seriously?
- 717. He's probably still jerkin' off
to Samantha Fox.
- 718. All right, serious question.
- 719. Would you rather
fuck Samantha Fox in her prime,
- 720. but she's wearing a Barbara Bush mask?
- 721. Or fuck Barbara Bush, circa 1988,
- 722. but you get to have Samantha
just lookin' at you,
- 723. full eye contact, and she's naked?
- 724. - Oh, wow! That's a good one.
- Thank you.
- 725. - You always get the left turn.
- 726. I mean, I think
I gotta go with the combo platter.
- 727. I mean, Samantha Fox is smokin' hot,
but if I get both of them...
- 728. You know, I get to look at Samantha.
- 729. And Barbara Bush,
I think she was a clean woman.
- 730. - You know?
- 731. And I've never been that close
to that level of power before.
- 732. Do it in the Oval Office,
- 733. you know, pick up the red phone,
see who's on the other side.
- 734. The oval orifice.
- 735. - Yeah, dude!
- See what I did there?
- 736. Bunch of guys, right?
Just fuckin' hangin' out.
- 737. Trashin' women. Yeah, so cool.
You guys are so dope.
- 738. What, are we offending you?
- 739. No, man, you're not offending me.
- 740. I just think this misogynistic behavior
- 741. amongst groups of men
is a little, uh, little cliché.
- 742. Ah, Jesus Christ.
We got a feminist in the car.
- 743. Look, I'm just looking out
for you guys, okay?
- 744. No offense,
you're just comin' across a little...
- 745. A little old, you know?
A little out of touch.
- 746. We try evolving.
- 747. Evolving? It's a good idea.
Like your generation, right?
- 748. Filmin' yourselves
while you're flippin' over water bottles.
- 749. Incredible progress.
- 750. If I may interject.
- 751. Travis, it sounds like what you're saying
is you feel your generation
- 752. is more evolved than our generation.
- 753. Oh my God, that was a real question?
Yeah, absolutely. Yes.
- 754. Travis, do you like rap music?
- 755. I mean, yeah,
I listen to all kinds of music.
- 756. You go deep, or you listen
to that mumble rap shit?
- 757. No, I go deep.
- 758. Really? How deep?
- 759. You know, the greats.
Wu-Tang, Biggie, Nas, uh, N.W.A.
- 760. N.W.A?
- 761. Okay, my man Travis goes way back.
- 762. Saw the movie. Bought the soundtrack.
- 763. You probably know who Yella Boy is.
- 764. Wow!
- 765. You like to sing along to them in the car?
- 766. Yeah, I rap to them sometimes. Yeah.
- 767. What do you do when they drop the N-word?
- 768. You keep singing along?
- 769. Uh, no, I...
- 770. I...
- 771. I...
- 772. I listen.
- 773. - You just listen?
- Yeah. I do. I... I listen.
- 774. I mean, what, do you got a pause button
in your brain? This is N.W.A.
- 775. You're by yourself. Windows are up.
- 776. Cruisin' down the highway. You feelin' it!
- 777. Are you tellin' me
that you stop your flow?
- 778. - I do.
- Bullshit, motherfucker! Nobody could.
- 779. It's N.W.A.
- 780. - I thought you said you loved them.
- I do.
- 781. - Do you love them?
- Yes, I do!
- 782. - And you stop your flow?
- No, I say it!
- 783. I wanna hear how he says it.
Put on N.W.A "Straight Outta Compton."
- 784. Oh, come on, man. I don't wanna do this.
I don't wanna do this.
- 785. Why not? You say it when I'm not around,
but you won't say it when I am around.
- 786. That makes me feel like you're sayin' it
in a way I wouldn't wanna hear it.
- 787. I just wanna go on record
as saying I don't wanna do this.
- 788. Sing the damn song!
- 789. Okay.
- 790. Just chill out.
- 791. N— No.
- 792. Fuck! I don't wanna say it, man.
I don't wanna say it.
- 793. Good. You shouldn't wanna say it.
- 794. But on behalf of Dr. Dre and company,
- 795. thank you for buying this shit.
- 796. Hey, Mike, for the record,
- 797. whenever I listen to hip-hop,
I never say it, bro.
- 798. Really? When do you say it?
- 799. Uh...
- 800. - Okay, guys. Come on. It's over.
- Jack! Jack!
- 801. - Oh shit.
- 802. - Shit, Jack.
- The fuck was that?
- 803. I don't know, but it's dead.
- 804. What's that guy doin'?
- 805. Holy shit. I think that's him.
- 806. Who?
- 807. - Ed Cameron.
- 808. - You fucking kidding me?
- 809. Where you goin'?
Get back in the car.
- 810. Hi.
- 811. How you doing?
- 812. Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Was that your armadillo?
- 813. It is now.
- 814. - The highway provides.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- 815. This, uh, might seem
like a weird question,
- 816. but you wouldn't happen to be
Ed Cameron, are you?
- 817. Who's askin'?
- 818. Oh. Jack Kelly.
- 819. Uh, we were just coming up here
to talk to you.
- 820. You ain't a bunch of fags, are you?
- 821. Hey, Cara.
- 822. - Yeah.
- 823. - Sorry.
- I'll catch you later.
- 824. - Bye, Joanna.
- Sweetie, let's go.
- 825. I was hoping
I was gonna run into you today.
- 826. How's the second trimester?
- 827. You know?
It's harder than it was with Nate.
- 828. You know what? I could tell.
You're looking a little peaked.
- 829. You still working out?
- 830. Yeah.
- 831. Uh, I was gonna talk to you
about Britney's baby shower.
- 832. And I was thinking we should— Oh!
- 833. Hey, Colin. You have to be careful, okay?
Auntie Leah's got a baby in here.
- 834. Hi, baby!
- 835. Colin! You are not allowed to do that,
do you understand me?
- 836. Hey, hey! He's got a little extra energy.
- 837. That doesn't give you the right
to scream at my child.
- 838. I was just trying to protect myself.
- 839. He's five years old.
He doesn't know any better.
- 840. Don't you think he should?
- 841. Are you calling me a bad mother?
- 842. You could say I think
your parenting techniques are interesting.
- 843. Home birth, no epidural, 4% body fat.
- 844. The proof is in the pudding.
- 845. Maybe if you occasionally ate
some of that pudding,
- 846. you wouldn't have sweat your tits off.
- 847. Yeah.
- 848. I cannot wait to see
the look on Aspen's face
- 849. when he congratulates us
for landing that fucking lunatic.
- 850. Fucker's gonna give us all bedbugs.
- 851. - Hey, Travis.
- 852. Holy shit.
They already got him on a T-shirt?
- 853. Yeah. It's the prototype,
but it's pretty fucking sick, right?
- 854. So, last night, Aspen goes
to this ayahuasca ceremony,
- 855. and he gets this, like, crazy vision.
- 856. Memes, T-shirts, NFTs.
- 857. I don't know what any of that means.
- 858. I mean, dude's a crazy fucking genius.
This campaign is gonna be fire.
- 859. If you say so.
- 860. Hey, sorry I'm late.
- 861. Hey, Connor. You see
they already got this guy on a T-shirt?
- 862. Unbelievable.
- 863. - What are you doin' way over there?
- I can sit wherever I want.
- 864. - There a reason you're not looking at me?
- I don't know. Is there?
- 865. Gentlemen.
- 866. You did it.
You guys crushed it. You really did.
- 867. I mean, I understand now why
this company has been alive for 23 years.
- 868. Yeah, well, guess these old dogs
had a little more bite left in 'em
- 869. than you thought.
- 870. Yeah.
- 871. We're gonna have to talk about
the rental car though.
- 872. Ah, just a scratched bumper.
We have insurance.
- 873. We have insurance for the car.
We don't have insurance for this.
- 874. Hey, let me ask you a question.
Did Caitlyn Jenner keep Bruce's dick?
- 875. - Like in a jar?
- Where'd you get this?
- 876. No, like, she still has it.
- 877. Like, Caitlyn has tits and a dick,
and is that why you say "they"?
- 878. - I get what you're saying.
- Look, I'm not saying I'd bang Caitlyn.
- 879. But, I mean, tell me that's not
a better person to watch a game with.
- 880. That's fucking Bruce Jenner.
- 881. I wonder, like, every four years
when the Summer Olympics come up,
- 882. who's the first one
to call Caitlyn and be like,
- 883. - "You wanna watch the decathlon today?"
- 884. I feel super fucking bad
for all your wives.
- 885. Let me ask you something, Travis.
You ever been married?
- 886. - No, I haven't.
- Well, there you go.
- 887. Why don't you go up to a Marine now
and tell him what it's like in battle?
- 888. Did you set that camera up?
You fucking snitch.
- 889. Whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- 890. Trav had nothing to do with this, okay?
This came from the rental car company.
- 891. They sent it to us in exchange for
all of our users' personal information.
- 892. Are you fucking kidding me?
- 893. It's an information economy.
- 894. They, uh, record everything
for liability and safety, apparently.
- 895. Well, you know, once I saw it...
Guys, my hands are tied.
- 896. Gonna have to liberate you.
- 897. "Liberate" us?
Is he firing us over that bullshit?
- 898. It's a bunch of guys
shootin' the shit in a car.
- 899. There's no way that's fucking legal.
- 900. It is, actually, in New Mexico.
- 901. Okay, fine, so we're terminated.
You still gotta pay us.
- 902. Actually, we don't.
- 903. Because your behavior violated the terms
of your morality clause in your contract.
- 904. Morality clause?
- 905. What... what's he talkin' about?
- 906. So all of your equity has been liquidated,
- 907. and it's been returned
to the general fund.
- 908. What the fuck?
- 909. You have to leave the premises
immediately if you don't mind.
- 910. - Let's go.
- Look. The meter maids are back, huh?
- 911. You hide behind these guys?
Do all your dirty work?
- 912. Yeah, they're good guys.
- 913. Un-fuckin'-believable.
- 914. 120 pounds soakin' wet.
- 915. - You fucking piece of shit.
- 916. - Come on.
- Real nice, man.
- 917. - Travis, can you get that?
- 918. Yikes, right?
- 919. You too, though, Travis. You too.
- 920. What?
- 921. I didn't condone anything
that was goin' on in the car.
- 922. I was being vocally—
- 923. - Is that my apartment?
- 924. Why... why do you have this, Aspen?
- 925. You got a TV with a camera.
Things could happen.
- 926. - Justin.
- Come on, man!
- 927. Oh, Aspen, come on, man.
I was getting hyped, dude.
- 928. I was... I was gettin' ready
to start my fuckin' day.
- 929. I was gettin' ready
to start the day, dude!
- 930. What the hell's a morality clause?
- 931. It's a boilerplate clause
in every corporate contract,
- 932. but I've never heard it
used in the context
- 933. of secretly filming someone
in a rental car in a different state.
- 934. Well, why the fuck
would you have us three knuckleheads
- 935. sign a morality clause
when you know how we are?
- 936. Don't you mean how you are?
Motherfucker, let me tell you somethin'.
- 937. If it wasn't this, it'd be somethin' else.
- 938. And now, thanks to you,
- 939. I'm gonna be working until I'm 85!
- 940. Oh, you're not puttin' this on me, Mike.
You're not puttin' this on me, okay?
- 941. For 23 years,
you didn't miss a goddamn thing,
- 942. but you were so hot to trot
to get your loaded Ford fucking Fusion,
- 943. you left us exposed.
- 944. Are you questioning my competency?
- 945. No, I'm questioning your motivation.
- 946. Guys, come on, okay?
We're all in this together.
- 947. Not anymore.
I'm done with you, Jack.
- 948. You and your big fuckin' mouth.
- 949. Come on, Mike.
- 950. Connor, why aren't you lookin' at me?
- 951. Don't worry about it, okay?
I can look wherever I want.
- 952. - The fuck is goin' on with you?
- Jack, we can't hang out right now, okay?
- 953. Just know that there will come
a time in the future
- 954. when we will be able to hang out again,
but that time is not now, okay?
- 955. It's just... It's too fuckin' weird.
- 956. The fuck are you talkin' about?
- 957. Why don't you ask your wife?
- 958. Hey, babe.
- 959. Did you try to fuck Connor?
- 960. - Huh?
- What? What are you talking about?
- 961. How come Connor said you're the reason
me and him can't hang out?
- 962. - I don't—
- Answer me that, Leah. Answer me that.
- 963. Oh my God.
- 964. Okay. So, Cara and I got into
an argument at pickup, okay?
- 965. I said she was a shitty mom
who couldn't parent her kid.
- 966. - Oh!
- 967. - Well, didn't I tell you not to do that?
- Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- 968. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, but...
- 969. Do you really think
that I would try and fuck Connor?
- 970. - No, that was stupid.
- I mean... Come on, what are you—
- 971. - I'm emotional.
- What's going on?
- 972. I lost my job today.
- 973. - What?
- I lost my job today.
- 974. - What?
- We all did.
- 975. Oh no, honey. Oh no. What happened?
- 976. I don't know. I...
- 977. We said some shit on that road trip,
and it got back to the office.
- 978. What did you say?
- 979. You know, stuff you say in a rental car
when you don't know you're bein' filmed.
- 980. Can I guess?
- 981. I'd appreciate it if you didn't.
- 982. It wasn't that bad.
- 983. Look, the real point is,
you know, I let you and the kids down,
- 984. and now Nate can't go to private school.
- 985. I feel terrible about that.
I'm gonna figure out a way—
- 986. No. You know what?
Nate is gonna go to private school.
- 987. And I don't care if we have four mortgages
on the house and I work every day
- 988. until my water breaks,
but my son is not gonna get left behind
- 989. because his father has
the self-control of a two-year-old.
- 990. It's not self-control.
It's a right-to-privacy issue, but...
- 991. Dear Jack, these last months
have felt like a fuckin' eternity, man.
- 992. I miss you.
- 993. I miss our brotherhood.
- 994. The fighting for a common goal,
the camaraderie, the ball-breaking,
- 995. even though it was often at my expense.
- 996. Jenner into the spin.
Lets it fly.
- 997. Bruce Jenner has won gold!
- 998. You don't have to know what's going on
to be what's going on.
- 999. The Ed Cameron Collection.
- 1000. Mike is hanging in there.
- 1001. You know, he's got a good job
at a mid-level firm,
- 1002. and I think he's really comin' around
to becoming a father again.
- 1003. And he seems happy, but...
Well, you know Mike.
- 1004. He's not a big talker.
- 1005. Being unemployed hasn't been easy.
- 1006. But I've been watching
this guy Joel Osteen a lot.
- 1007. Man, once you get past all the God shit,
the guy's got a pretty positive message.
- 1008. And his hair is bangin'.
- 1009. He told the story
of these three sheepherders—
- 1010. Fuck.
- 1011. Dear Jack,
- 1012. I miss you, man.
- 1013. As you know, I was a neglected child.
- 1014. Lot of time with the Legos,
if you know what I mean, and—
- 1015. What are you doing?
- 1016. Nothing. It's just...
- 1017. It's... it's...
- 1018. Just knockin' off a little haiku. It's...
- 1019. It's stupid. I...
- 1020. Let's go to bed, right, babe?
- 1021. I'm so tired.
- 1022. Uh... It's...
- 1023. Here you are.
- 1024. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- 1025. - Jack!
- 1026. I mean, great party.
Everybody seems to be having a blast.
- 1027. - Oh, thank you.
- I have to commend you.
- 1028. Having the foresight to see
that any party theme decided upon
- 1029. by a predominantly white committee
would be inherently biased...
- 1030. Well, your growth
really makes my heart smile.
- 1031. Oh, well,
I was just listenin' to the group.
- 1032. Hey, who knew throwin' a party celebratin'
white people not hurtin' anyone
- 1033. would actually be a big hit?
- 1034. I'm a little surprised too.
- 1035. Oh, thank you, Doctor I.
- 1036. But remember,
the real metric for the party
- 1037. is what it does for the children.
- 1038. Good luck.
- 1039. Thank you.
- 1040. Godspeed.
- 1041. Hey, hey. You know what?
Don't worry about her.
- 1042. Yeah, you're right.
This next item is gonna sell itself.
- 1043. If it doesn't, we can always auction off
some of our dumb jewelry.
- 1044. Listen, you just need to focus, okay?
- 1045. - Right. Right.
- Think about Nate.
- 1046. You know, turn on that charm
- 1047. I so deeply regret
falling in love with every day.
- 1048. You're gonna bring it home,
like you always do, right?
- 1049. - Right. Right. All right.
- Oh, uh, Connor gave me a note.
- 1050. Actually, he gave someone else a note
to give to me to give to you.
- 1051. I don't know.
- 1052. You're gonna be great. I know it.
- 1053. - I love you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- 1054. Dear Jack, this situation sucks.
But I'm here for you, bro.
- 1055. I'd write more, but these gummies
are starting to kick in.
- 1056. What are you doing?
- 1057. Doin' this, girl. Ah, remember that?
The old days? What? Girls.
- 1058. Oh!
- 1059. All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, just a little quick reminder.
- 1060. There's only 45 minutes left
in our silent auction.
- 1061. That's still plenty of time
to bid on some incredible items,
- 1062. including artwork
created by your own children
- 1063. to raise money for the school.
- 1064. It's not child labor
if it's for a good cause. Am I right?
- 1065. All right. Now, if we look
at the Doctor L-O-Meter,
- 1066. we are inching towards
our goal of $30,000,
- 1067. which brings us to the live auction.
- 1068. The next item we have up for bids
is something very special.
- 1069. I know what you're thinking to yourself.
- 1070. You're thinking, "Jack, how the heck
are you gonna top two floor seats
- 1071. to see Adele at The Forum?"
- 1072. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
- 1073. you better have
those paddles in your hands
- 1074. 'cause I'ma tell you something.
- 1075. We are about ready to bid...
Get ready for this.
- 1076. We're about ready to bid
on two hours of uninterrupted,
- 1077. one-on-one time with the one and only
- 1078. Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner!
- 1079. Yes, there she is!
- 1080. Two hours to glean
an entire lifetime of parental knowledge
- 1081. from one of
Southern California's leading educators.
- 1082. Now, this is crazy to me.
- 1083. They told me
to start this bidding at $1,500.
- 1084. But I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
- 1085. Old Jackie boy is feeling
a little bit crazy tonight.
- 1086. I don't know, but since I'm having
so much fun at this "no theme" theme event
- 1087. that I'm gonna
get a little crazy here, people.
- 1088. I'm not starting
the biddin' off at $1,500.
- 1089. I'm gonna start it off at $2,000, huh?
- 1090. Yeah! So, who's gonna
have fun with me, huh? All right.
- 1091. Do I hear $2,100? Who's got 21?
I got $2,100 right there.
- 1092. $2,100. Do I hear 22? 22! Who's got 22?
- 1093. Brian Dodson! Big Brian.
Not body-shaming. You look fantastic.
- 1094. My God! Ladies, look at this guy.
I know he's married, but you know,
- 1095. little side glance won't hurt you.
- 1096. Do I hear 23? Who's got 23?
- 1097. Joanna Wilkerson, who needs a nanny
who's also a personal assistant,
- 1098. if you can help out.
- 1099. All right, 24. I need 24.
Who's got 24? 24?
- 1100. Brian Dodson! Back to Big Brian.
- 1101. Oh my God!
We've got a dogfight going on here.
- 1102. And I'm jumping right in the middle of it.
- 1103. I'm not going $2,500.
I'm not going 26, 27, 28.
- 1104. I'm taking the elevator up
to the penthouse.
- 1105. I'm going $3,000!
- 1106. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- 1107. $3,000, baby! Who's coming with me?
- 1108. Who's going $3,200?
Let me hear $3,200. 32.
- 1109. Thirty-two. Great number. OJ Simpson.
OJ Simpson scaring the white people.
- 1110. All right. Marcus Allen.
Who's going $3,200? Come on.
- 1111. All right. Old Jack, you got
a little too crazy. How about $3,100?
- 1112. $3,100. Who's got $3,100, huh?
- 1113. $3,100?
- 1114. All right. Come on, people.
I saw a lot of Teslas in the parking lot.
- 1115. Just 'cause your car's quiet
doesn't mean you have to be.
- 1116. $3,100.
- 1117. Really? You're gonna let me
walk with this for $3,000?
- 1118. 'Cause I'll tell you right now.
I'll take it. I will take it.
- 1119. $3,000? $3,000 going once.
$3,000 going twice.
- 1120. $3,000? Final time!
- 1121. Sold to Jack Kelly!
- 1122. I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
- 1123. Hey! Old Jackie!
- 1124. Yeah! Jack Kelly!
- 1125. All right. That concludes
this portion of the auction.
- 1126. We only have a few more items left to bid.
- 1127. Please hold onto those paddles.
We're gonna get to our goal, all right?
- 1128. Have a good time.
Keep drinking those drinks.
- 1129. I'll be back in a few moments
for the last few items.
- 1130. All right. Enjoy yourselves.
- 1131. Jack.
- 1132. I must thank you
for your generous donation.
- 1133. And I'm also quite frankly surprised
you'd want to spend two hours with me.
- 1134. Yeah. Well, I guess
I'm full of surprises, huh?
- 1135. Yes. Yes, you are,
- 1136. considering I heard
that you lost your job and your company.
- 1137. How are you and your family
handling this setback?
- 1138. Just fine.
- 1139. Because we have tons of literature
that will help you
- 1140. through what I know
must be a very trying time.
- 1141. Hey, listen, Doctor L,
- 1142. you can drop the act, okay?
- 1143. Just drop the act.
- 1144. All right, you got my money.
- 1145. So now I guess my kid gets
a good recommendation,
- 1146. and everything's fine.
- 1147. Jack, I hope you aren't insinuating
that your financial commitment
- 1148. is going to buy
your child a recommendation.
- 1149. Oh, I would never do that. No.
- 1150. You know, Jack,
I don't fault you for the way you are.
- 1151. You're just blinded
by a lifetime of privilege.
- 1152. If I was privileged,
I don't think I'd have to spend two hours
- 1153. pretending I wanted to talk to you,
now would I?
- 1154. Excuse me?
- 1155. You heard me.
- 1156. - I guess I did.
- 1157. I will take that into consideration
when I write up Nate's recommendation.
- 1158. Oh, I bet you will. I bet you will, huh?
That's how you operate?
- 1159. Fuck over an innocent child
'cause you have petty bullshit with me?
- 1160. Hey. You two already started talking.
- 1161. I, uh...
- 1162. I hope that doesn't count
against our two hours.
- 1163. Hello, Mrs. Kelly.
- 1164. Good night, Jack.
- 1165. What did you say to her?
- 1166. I didn't do anything. She came over here.
She started twisting the knife, Leah.
- 1167. What did you say to her?
- 1168. Of course. Of course. What did I say?
- 1169. What did Jack say?
Can you ever be in my corner, Leah, huh?
- 1170. I just dropped three grand
that we don't have
- 1171. to spend two hours
with that fucking egomaniac.
- 1172. And you come over with,
"What did Jack say?"
- 1173. You know what I said? I said
what everybody is already thinking
- 1174. but doesn't have the fucking balls to say.
- 1175. Oh, great. Great.
Now you're gonna cry, right?
- 1176. Yeah. Great.
- 1177. You're an asshole.
- 1178. Oh, I'm an asshole?
Then why did I do all of this, huh?
- 1179. What, you're mad? What?
What, Leah? 'Cause I'm honest? Huh?
- 1180. Huh, Leah?
- 1181. What the fuck
are you guys looking at, huh?
- 1182. Yeah, I could be like you guys.
- 1183. Pretending to care. You guys don't care.
- 1184. All you're trying to do
is not get in trouble.
- 1185. That's what the fuck is wrong
with your whole generation.
- 1186. Okay, boomer.
- 1187. Generation X!
- 1188. Slacker.
- 1189. Here you go.
- 1190. Oh, Jesus Christ!
- 1191. Leah.
- 1192. Leah!
- 1193. Leah, open the door.
- 1194. Leah.
- 1195. Leah, come on. Open the door.
- 1196. I know you can hear me.
- 1197. Oh, Jesus Christ!
- 1198. I'll fix that.
- 1199. What the fuck is wrong with you?
- 1200. What the fuck's wrong with me?
You locked me out.
- 1201. I know I did.
So, what are you doing standing here?
- 1202. 'Cause I live here.
- 1203. Oh, Jack. I need you
to not be in this house right now.
- 1204. All right, fine, whatever.
I'll sleep on the couch.
- 1205. No. I have had it.
I have had it with your outbursts.
- 1206. I have had it with your... your inability
to understand your level of anger
- 1207. and the negative effect
it's having on our family.
- 1208. Okay, I'm sorry.
I got a little sideways tonight. I just—
- 1209. No. No. No.
- 1210. You don't get to keep doing this
over and over and over again, okay,
- 1211. and just thinking that an apology
makes it okay, because it doesn't, okay?
- 1212. You fucking humiliated me tonight.
And you humiliated your son.
- 1213. And I am past arguing about it with you!
- 1214. What... what are you saying?
- 1215. I just need you to leave, Jack.
- 1216. Because right now, I don't know
if I even wanna raise my kids with you.
- 1217. - Okay?
- Oh, Jesus! Really?
- 1218. - Yes!
- You're gonna take it to that level?
- 1219. Yes, I'm going
to take it to that fucking level, Jack!
- 1220. - Because of that bullshit down there!
- 1221. That I told you was gonna happen!
I told you!
- 1222. And I'm down there dancing
like a fucking show pony!
- 1223. Pack your bag!
- 1224. - Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
- Hey, buddy.
- 1225. Oh. Come here. Did we wake you up?
- 1226. Mommy, why is Daddy leaving?
- 1227. Daddy's got a lot of work
he's gotta do, buddy.
- 1228. When are you gonna be done, Daddy?
- 1229. Um, yeah, I... I don't know, buddy.
- 1230. Hey. Let's get you back to bed, okay?
- 1231. Okay.
- 1232. Oh shit.
- 1233. I said no onions.
- 1234. Oh, excuse me, sir.
- 1235. You can't smoke out here.
- 1236. Well, what are you doing?
- 1237. Uh, I'm... I'm vaping.
- 1238. What's the difference?
- 1239. The difference is people can't smell
what I'm doing from ten blocks away.
- 1240. All right. Well, I can see
what you're doing. It's called smoking.
- 1241. So, till you put yours out,
I'm not putting mine out. How about that?
- 1242. I don't mean to pull rank here,
but this is my hotel.
- 1243. Motel.
- 1244. - What?
- It's a motel.
- 1245. Open courtyard. A serial killer
can walk right up to my door, man.
- 1246. If this was a hotel,
he'd have to go through a lobby first.
- 1247. It's a motel. So, why don't you
get off your high horse, huh?
- 1248. Hey, quick question.
- 1249. Uh, what the fuck is your problem?
- 1250. What's my problem?
My problem is I live in a world
- 1251. where a guy who's smoking
is telling me I can't smoke, all right?
- 1252. That, in a nutshell, is my problem.
- 1253. Well, in a nutshell, it's not smoking.
- 1254. What makes it smoking, buddy,
- 1255. is the fucking smoke
coming out of your mouth, all right?
- 1256. So, get out of my fucking face
before I throw you in that fucking pool?
- 1257. I don't respond to hyperbole!
- 1258. - Good. I don't know what that means.
- If you want an ass-kicking, keep talking.
- 1259. Oh! "Hyperbole"! I got big hotel words.
- 1260. Ladies, ladies, whoa.
What are we doing here?
- 1261. It's a nice day. Relax. Take in the view.
- 1262. Sweetheart, mind if I ask you a question?
- 1263. Yeah, what's that?
- 1264. Do you think vaping is smoking?
- 1265. Oh, absolutely, yeah.
And it's ruining this country.
- 1266. Thank you. Thank you.
There. I rest my case.
- 1267. Yeah, and so are those fucking immigrants.
- 1268. I mean, how many more
can we let in?
- 1269. Well, that made some room.
- 1270. I'm excited
for this baby shower.
- 1271. Aren't you glad Leah suggested we do coed?
- 1272. - We're gonna have fun, right?
- 1273. Baby, look at me.
- 1274. I know you're scared, okay? So am I.
- 1275. But I can't live in fear anymore.
- 1276. I need you to know what I need,
or this isn't gonna work.
- 1277. I want us to be official.
And not just for the baby but for us.
- 1278. I love you, Mike.
And I want us to get married.
- 1279. And I know you may need
some time to process this, and...
- 1280. Okay.
- 1281. Okay?
- 1282. Yep.
- 1283. Well, can you fucking hug me
or something? Damn!
- 1284. Where are you going?
- 1285. Nowhere.
I'm just gonna go register to vote.
- 1286. Hi! You've reached my mom.
She's not here.
- 1287. - Tell 'em to leave a message.
- Leave a message.
- 1288. - From pastrami with love.
- 1289. Fries extra crispy.
Oreo cookie shake.
- 1290. - And a root beer.
- Thank you.
- 1291. You sure you wanna do this?
- 1292. There's nothing else to do.
- 1293. - Oh God. I miss coke.
- Where the fuck did you get that?
- 1294. Don't worry about that, Jackie boy.
I know a guy.
- 1295. Now let's go
set this neon town on fire!
- 1296. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, huh?
- 1297. Okay, all right.
We're still in Pomona, so pace yourself.
- 1298. You fucking pace yourself, okay?
I got about 90 minutes
- 1299. before my wife gets home
and notices my sister watching the kids.
- 1300. So, you know, this might be
the coke talking, but I don't give a fuck.
- 1301. My man Mikey here is getting married.
- 1302. What was that?
- 1303. It's just us in here, right?
- 1304. Yeah, yeah. We're cool. Just relax, man.
- 1305. - It was a bump in the road. Just the road!
- Whoa! Sh! Sh! Sh!
- 1306. Okay. I'm good.
- 1307. You're watching him this time.
- 1308. Whoo! Whoo!
- 1309. Whoo!
- 1310. Guys, my foot went numb.
- 1311. Dude, I can drive.
Want me to drive?
- 1312. No fucking way.
- 1313. All right, man.
Once this sciatica acts up...
- 1314. - You sure you all right with this?
- Yeah, it's fine.
- 1315. I'm feeling lucky.
- 1316. Ah!
- 1317. Yeah, fuck Vegas.
- 1318. Those casinos are all owned
by the people who started Halliburton.
- 1319. Look at this place. This place is great.
- 1320. If I'm gonna lose money, I'd rather do it
in a Native American casino.
- 1321. I like it. Yeah! Monetary justice.
- 1322. Goddamn, this coke is not good.
I gotta take a shit.
- 1323. - Uh, I'll meet you at the sportsbook?
- Sportsbook. All right. I'll see you.
- 1324. Hey, where the hell's Mike?
- 1325. Britney? It's me.
- 1326. Cara.
- 1327. Don't look so surprised.
- 1328. Britney and I are
actually incredibly close.
- 1329. It's not like that kind of thing where
we have to talk every day to reinforce it.
- 1330. Right. Uh, sure.
- 1331. Um, listen, I'm really sorry
that I criticized your parenting.
- 1332. - That was a total overstep.
- 1333. So, uh, you know, can we just move on?
- 1334. Oh, I did already. I assumed you had too.
- 1335. I just did.
- 1336. Well, come in, come in
because Britney really needs us.
- 1337. Right.
- 1338. Oh no!
- 1339. - No more bets.
- Hey, there he is.
- 1340. Easy, big fella. What are we doing here?
- 1341. Donnie, change me out for five grand.
- 1342. Oh, no, no, no, no. No.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
- 1343. It's okay. I'm due.
- 1344. Mike, you've gambled,
like, four times in your life, okay?
- 1345. How the fuck are you due?
- 1346. All right, Jack.
- 1347. I'm a conservative man.
- 1348. I drive a four-door sedan
with seven airbags.
- 1349. I got a vasectomy.
- 1350. Guess what?
- 1351. She got pregnant anyway.
- 1352. Then I lost my job,
my company, my retirement,
- 1353. all because I decided
to exercise free speech
- 1354. in the back of a goddamn rental car!
- 1355. So, yeah, Jack. I think I'm fucking due!
- 1356. Okay, okay. Sorry.
- 1357. But look. Look around the casino, Mike.
Everybody here thinks they're due.
- 1358. Look at that poor lady.
She looks like she's scuba diving.
- 1359. Hey. Is that Aspen Bell?
- 1360. No fucking way.
- 1361. Holy shit. That is him.
- 1362. - Told you my luck's changing.
- Let's go.
- 1363. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh shit!
- 1364. - Sorry.
- 1365. - Hey!
- Hey, man! What's up?
- 1366. Oh fuck! What the fuck?
- 1367. Yeah, motherfucker!
- 1368. Look at us when we're talking,
corporate piece of shit!
- 1369. You fucked with the wrong dads, ese.
- 1370. What, are you here pissing away the money
you made off the company we built?
- 1371. Did you book a suite, motherfucker?
- 1372. No, no, no, no. Guys, I'm...
I'm here for sensitivity training.
- 1373. You should be.
'Cause you're a fucking dick!
- 1374. Wait a second. Wait a second.
Sensitivity training? What's that?
- 1375. Did you guys know that Native Americans
take offense to the term "spirit animal"?
- 1376. Wait. Did you get in trouble
for selling those Ed Cameron T-shirts?
- 1377. Suspended indefinitely, actually.
- 1378. I think that's millennial for "fired."
- 1379. That's what happens to punk motherfuckers!
- 1380. How ironic!
- 1381. Yeah, how'd it feel to get fired
for absolutely nothing?
- 1382. "I appreciate you!"
- 1383. Oh boy. Oh my God!
- 1384. - What's happening?
- Oh Jesus!
- 1385. Fucking Twitter.
They fucking posted me.
- 1386. All right, relax.
- 1387. They fucking put
my home address on Reddit.
- 1388. And my girlfriend left me.
- 1389. Yeah, but you didn't see
the look on his face.
- 1390. I don't think he wants
to be with me anymore.
- 1391. Trust me. He does.
- 1392. How do you know?
- 1393. Because Connor has that look
on his face all the time.
- 1394. It means nothing.
- 1395. - It has to mean something.
- This is what it means.
- 1396. It means they need us.
They know it. It bothers them.
- 1397. Oh please.
- 1398. Do not look to me for advice, okay?
- 1399. I married an absolute lunatic.
- 1400. Do you know that he tried to fight
an entire row of college kids
- 1401. at the ArcLight Cinema on our second date?
- 1402. And it worked. It totally charmed me.
- 1403. I let him touch my boobs.
- 1404. I guess I was hoping
for something more, but Cara's right.
- 1405. I think, when it comes to guys,
- 1406. there's just not a lot of layers.
- 1407. So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is
- 1408. it's one of the only things in life
that lives up to the hype.
- 1409. I mean, nothing you're gonna achieve
in your career can even touch it,
- 1410. so if you feel that way about Hannah,
you should go and tell her.
- 1411. 'Cause the only thing that matters in life
is if you love someone and they love you.
- 1412. That's all that matters.
That and your kids.
- 1413. Jesus Christ!
Look at the fucking ass on her.
- 1414. Oh my God! Yeah.
- 1415. All right! Let's get
those Tuesday night dollars coming.
- 1416. Come with me.
- 1417. Oh, no, thank you. I'm... I'm good.
- 1418. That's not what your friend told me.
He paid for two dances.
- 1419. What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, baby!
- 1420. We're in Palm Desert, buddy!
- 1421. Your mother's in Palm Desert, you pussy!
- 1422. Yeah! "Your mother's
in Palm Desert, you pussy!"
- 1423. My man! We're not friends.
- 1424. Come on.
- 1425. Hey, you're on deck, haircut!
- 1426. I need you to bring that energy way down.
- 1427. It's okay. Really.
He's cool. He's cool, Randy.
- 1428. Yeah, it's okay, Randy. I'm cool.
- 1429. Give me some.
- 1430. Pound it out!
- 1431. Randy!
- 1432. Aw, I'm sorry about that.
- 1433. Oh, that's okay. I mean, if I were him,
I'd be intimidated by me too.
- 1434. Oh, yeah. You are in great shape.
- 1435. Oh, yeah? Thank you very much.
I work hard at it.
- 1436. You're in great shape too.
You have awesome skin.
- 1437. Thank you.
- 1438. How old are you?
- 1439. Aw, I can't tell you that.
- 1440. How old do you think I am?
- 1441. - Forty-nine.
- 1442. How do you know that?
- 1443. The neck.
- 1444. Tyler "Blam," up on the main stage.
- 1445. How you doing?
- 1446. I think I had a nervous breakdown earlier,
- 1447. but I'm cool now.
- 1448. Aw, that's hella scary.
- 1449. Well, don't worry, Daddy.
- 1450. Just don't call me "Daddy."
- 1451. - What do you want me to call you?
- Call me Mike.
- 1452. That's no fun.
- 1453. I'm gonna call you Hella Mike.
- 1454. Mmm. Hella Mike.
- 1455. Fuck this place, man.
- 1456. I don't look 49. Do I look 49?
- 1457. Forty-seven.
- 1458. Man, fuck you!
- 1459. See that guy over there?
That's a 49-year-old man.
- 1460. Let me tell you something.
- 1461. You have no idea
how awesome I was at your age.
- 1462. I was dating two chicks at the same time,
- 1463. both of them named Amy,
and they knew about each other.
- 1464. And they loved it. Happy to share me.
- 1465. I used to hang out with my boys
whenever I wanted, man.
- 1466. I could eat whatever I wanted,
crush Rolling Rocks all day,
- 1467. slept until I wasn't tired anymore.
- 1468. One time, Julio Iglesias
came up to me in an airport,
- 1469. dead certain I was his son, Enrique.
- 1470. The fucking kind of vibe
I was putting out, bro!
- 1471. And it was effortless.
It was fucking effortless.
- 1472. That's ridiculous.
- 1473. I was ridiculous.
- 1474. Throw those dollars, guys. Come on.
- 1475. I don't know.
- 1476. I have faced a lot of stuff in my life.
- 1477. The fear of losing my family is worse
than anything I've ever faced before.
- 1478. My brain just keeps playing out
this scenario about what could happen.
- 1479. You know, seeing my kid
every other weekend.
- 1480. My wife's gonna be married
to some fucking orthopedist.
- 1481. Levelheaded cocksucker.
- 1482. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe Leah's right.
- 1483. Maybe I'm not cut out for this shit.
- 1484. I mean, I love being a dad and everything.
- 1485. Holy shit, that's her. Shut the fuck up!
- 1486. Leah, hey, hi! Listen, I am so sorry
for everything that I said.
- 1487. What?
- 1488. Wait, who is this?
- 1489. Ha! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Uh!
- 1490. Mike! Mike! Mike! Britney called.
- 1491. Leah's in labor.
- 1492. Thank God!
Man, you scared the shit out of me.
- 1493. - Congratulations!
- Thank you.
- 1494. Ladies, my man Jack here
is about to become a father again.
- 1495. - That's so amazing!
- Oh, thank you.
- 1496. You're gonna be such a great dad.
- 1497. I appreciate that.
- 1498. - I'm so happy for you, man.
- Oh, thanks, buddy.
- 1499. She's a couple of weeks early,
so I'm freaking out.
- 1500. - Let's get the fuck out of here.
- You go ahead. I'm good.
- 1501. The fuck are you talking about?
- 1502. I'm not going back.
- 1503. This is me now. Hella Mike!
- 1504. - Whoo!
- Hella Mike? Who the fuck is Hella Mike?
- 1505. Hella Mike? Mike, you're hella hammered.
- 1506. Uh! Uh!
- 1507. Mike, there's a situation back home
that you can and will deal with
- 1508. because you're a fucking man.
- 1509. Look at me. You're a fucking man.
- 1510. Mike, come on.
- 1511. You're absolutely right, Jack.
- 1512. I love you, man.
- 1513. I love you too, man.
- 1514. Aw!
- 1515. Hey, man.
- 1516. Uh, that's your third gimlet
in, like, five minutes. Are you okay?
- 1517. "Hey, man." Let me tell you something.
- 1518. Don't ever count another man's drinks.
- 1519. And one more thing.
- 1520. Don't ever get fucking married.
- 1521. Connor?
- 1522. Connor, what the fuck? Are you okay?
- 1523. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do I do?
What the fuck? Oh fuck!
- 1524. Shit!
- 1525. - Hey! I told you to fucking relax!
- 1526. - Oh shit!
- What the fuck, man?
- 1527. He's choking! He's choking!
- 1528. - Oh shit!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 1529. - Relax! Relax!
- He's with us.
- 1530. Shit!
- 1531. I'm not with them! I'm not with them!
- 1532. Whoa! Barbara!
- 1533. My wife is in labor!
- 1534. Get off!
- 1535. - Hey, congrats on becoming a father.
- Where the fuck are you going?
- 1536. Ladies are still dancing.
- 1537. Connor!
- 1538. Don't mind that skirmish.
- 1539. I'm not with them! I'm not with them!
Tell them I'm not with you guys!
- 1540. You okay, buddy?
- 1541. - You all right, buddy?
- I'm back!
- 1542. Connor! Oh shit!
- 1543. Hey! Hey!
- 1544. Yeah, that's right!
TikTok LIVE, motherfuckers!
- 1545. Documenting your use of excessive force
on these poor, defenseless dads.
- 1546. Get that fucking camera!
- 1547. Guys, guys, run! Run!
- 1548. Fuck! Shit! Oh God!
I am an innocent bystander here!
- 1549. We gotta go, Mike!
- 1550. Oh no! Please let me go!
Don't touch me! I gotta pee!
- 1551. That's Arabella on stage two.
- 1552. Guys, I'm too hammered.
Can either one of you drive?
- 1553. Oh fuck.
- 1554. - All right.
- One of you guys better be Connor!
- 1555. - You Richie?
- How'd you know my name?
- 1556. - Oh, they say it on the phone.
- The picture's different.
- 1557. Do you mind if we move those golf clubs
out of the back seat?
- 1558. Yeah, I mind.
- 1559. Why?
- 1560. Because they're a full set of Lee Trevino.
- 1561. Wooden heads.
- 1562. So you're gonna shut the fuck up,
sit up here in the front seat,
- 1563. and stop being such a fucking Mary.
- 1564. Are you fucking happy?
- 1565. That's good enough for me.
- 1566. Jesus! Now, let me see
where you guys are sending us.
- 1567. Um... Oh, for Chrissake! Memorial Hospital?
- 1568. That's downtown LA. It's 100 miles, bud.
- 1569. Yeah. Yeah, my wife's in labor.
She's having a baby. Let's go!
- 1570. Wait a second. How old are you?
- 1571. Fifty-one.
- 1572. You still can fire a shot.
- 1573. - =That's very cool. I like that.
- Thank you.
- 1574. Dude, what rideshare did you call?
- 1575. - I could call another driver.
- I speak English.
- 1576. Goddamn it, you fucking whore!
- 1577. Ugh! What a fucking sewer.
- 1578. That's why I left this goddamn city.
- 1579. Every blond-headed dipshit with a dream
has to come all the way down here,
- 1580. suck dick to host
a fucking game show.
- 1581. Richie, I'm gonna miss
the birth of my kid.
- 1582. Oh, who gives a shit, bud?
- 1583. You know where I was
when my rotten kid was born?
- 1584. I was down the street in a bar.
- 1585. Having a beer, eating fried clams,
'cause that's the way it went then.
- 1586. Let's go!
- 1587. Richie, can we make
a fucking U-turn or something here?
- 1588. I've been trying to make U-turns
since I was 36 years old, bud.
- 1589. Can't be done!
- 1590. I'll tell you, the biggest mistake
I ever made in my life was—
- 1591. You fudge-packing asshole!
- 1592. Oh fuck, it's a parade!
Please go right ahead!
- 1593. When is the last time you ever saw
one of those bastards obey a stop sign?
- 1594. Where are you going? Wait.
- 1595. - Hey, Jack! What are you do—
- Jack. Jack.
- 1596. Fuck. Zero stars, Richie. Zero stars!
- 1597. Go dodge a draft, asshole!
- 1598. Oh, that's a good idea.
That's a good idea, Jack.
- 1599. - What do I do?
- Just take the picture.
- 1600. - I took the picture. Am I good?
- You're good.
- 1601. What are they? How do I work these?
- 1602. It's like a fucking skateboard.
Just push it. Go! It's electric!
- 1603. - Get on.
- It's not going!
- 1604. Hit the thing!
- 1605. - What thing?
- Hit the thing!
- 1606. I got it! I got it! I got it!
- 1607. Come on. Let's go!
- 1608. - You know I got a flip phone?
- What the fuck?
- 1609. What? I don't want
motherfuckers tracking me!
- 1610. Man, nobody gives a shit where you are.
Get on! Come on! Come on!
- 1611. Oh shit!
- 1612. Easy!
- 1613. - All right!
- 1614. Whoo! These things are awesome.
These fucking things are awesome!
- 1615. Share the road!
- 1616. - We're gonna lead!
- Whoa! Whoa!
- 1617. Whoo!
- 1618. Go, go, go!
- 1619. Maternity? Maternity?
- 1620. Thank you.
- 1621. Jack?
- 1622. That's a good move.
- 1623. I missed it?
- 1624. I fucking missed it. I missed it.
- 1625. Daddy!
- 1626. Hey, buddy, how are you?
- 1627. Daddy, I have a baby sister.
- 1628. Yes, you do.
- 1629. Are you crying?
- 1630. A little bit.
- 1631. A little bit.
- 1632. Why?
- 1633. 'Cause I messed up, buddy.
I messed up. I messed up.
- 1634. It's okay. Rub some dirt on it.
- 1635. - Yeah, rub some dirt on it, right?
- You're the best, buddy.
- 1636. No, you're the best.
- 1637. Jack, you wanna pull yourself together
and come meet your daughter?
- 1638. Yeah.
- 1639. Hey, I got you these.
- 1640. She's beautiful.
- 1641. Here. Here, princess.
- 1642. Just a second.
No skin-to-skin with the glitter.
- 1643. Oh. Yeah, right.
- 1644. Listen, Leah, I know
you're super pissed at me.
- 1645. And you have every right to be.
- 1646. Okay, but I want you to know
I love you to death.
- 1647. And I'm so sorry I let things
get the way they did between us.
- 1648. I know I have a lot of work to do,
but I want you to know
- 1649. I'm not gonna spread
my anger onto these kids,
- 1650. and you're not gonna have
to deal with it anymore.
- 1651. I'm going to get help, all right?
- 1652. I'm seeking help from a professional.
- 1653. And you came
to this realization at a strip club?
- 1654. Yeah.
- 1655. Yes, I did.
- 1656. Probably another reason
I need to go to therapy.
- 1657. Hmm.
- 1658. For what it's worth,
I got my first appointment on Tuesday.
- 1659. You're really lucky
we make beautiful babies.
- 1660. Yeah. Can I see her?
- 1661. - Yeah.
- 1662. - Meet your daddy.
- Hey, princess. Hey.
- 1663. Am I gonna have to move
the Kleenex to your side of the bed?
- 1664. Yeah, probably.
- 1665. Huh?
- 1666. Look at those eyes.
- 1667. Hey. Oh my God.
- 1668. She's beautiful. Look at you.
- 1669. What are we gonna call her?
- 1670. - I was thinking—
- Where's your fucking ring?
- 1671. Oh yeah. It's probably somewhere,
like, in my lower intestine.
- 1672. Your wedding ring
is inside your body right now?
- 1673. - It's metal. It'll pass.
- 1674. What the fuck, Connor?
- 1675. Okay, okay, okay. Let's take that outside.
- 1676. In fact, anyone who is not
an immediate member of the family, out.
- 1677. Here we go.
- 1678. You guys made a beautiful baby.
- 1679. Thank you, Mike.
- 1680. So...
- 1681. Is there anything you wanna tell me
about your little trip?
- 1682. Nope.
- 1683. I'm good.
- 1684. No more Hella Mike.
- 1685. Who's Hella Mike?
- 1686. I don't really know.
- 1687. But I do know that he made some decisions
over the last 17 hours,
- 1688. and I don't like how things turned out.
- 1689. But just know that I love you and...
- 1690. I mean, you know, there's a lot
of crazy shit going on in the news.
- 1691. And it's not just the booze talking,
but I just fucking...
- 1692. Britney,
- 1693. would you do me the honor
of becoming my bride?
- 1694. Michael Jahim Richards.
- 1695. I am not answering that question
in the middle of a hospital!
- 1696. - My bad.
- Get up! Jesus!
- 1697. Get up! Come on! Take a shower!
Buy a ring! Show some effort!
- 1698. At least take me
to Tony Roma's or something.
- 1699. How about Ruth's Chris?
- 1700. I mean, I do love Ruth's Chris.
- 1701. - I'm just so sick of your fucking excuses.
- What? It's not an excuse, Cara.
- 1702. I'm in actual fucking pain,
which is something you can't relate to
- 1703. because you block it out
with your cold, reptilian mindset.
- 1704. You think I'm cold?
- 1705. Babe, when you open your legs,
- 1706. I can actually hear
the East German National Anthem.
- 1707. Ah!
- 1708. Finally, a little fucking emotion!
- 1709. Are you trying to tell me
you don't wanna be with me anymore?
- 1710. No. No, babe.
- 1711. I'm just telling you that I don't wanna
live my life this way anymore.
- 1712. I would like to be less afraid of you.
- 1713. You know, and maybe not have
every minute of my life scheduled.
- 1714. I would also like to eat carbohydrates
every once in a while.
- 1715. And speakin' of,
- 1716. would an occasional blow job
fuckin' kill you?
- 1717. No cap.
- 1718. Did you fuckin' see that?
- 1719. No cap! No cap! That means...
- 1720. that means that's true!
- 1721. Okay. Okay, Connor.
- 1722. No cap! No cap!
- 1723. For the record, it mean "no lie."
- 1724. That's what I meant!
- 1725. That's what I meant!
- 1726. Oh fuck.
- 1727. This is the best part
of my day, every day. Still.
- 1728. And things are better now.
- 1729. We sent Nate to the local public school
- 1730. and threw a ripper down at the VFW
that raised a shitload of money for it.
- 1731. I'm sure some of the programs
aren't at the private school level,
- 1732. but they still play tackle football,
- 1733. and you can pick your kids up
whenever the fuck you get there.
- 1734. We never did get
our two hours with Doctor Lois.
- 1735. Turns out she was embezzling
all that money we raised for the school
- 1736. to keep her creditors at bay.
- 1737. But at the end of the day,
she's a white woman,
- 1738. so she's not going to jail.
- 1739. She'll probably get a book deal.
- 1740. Meanwhile, that crazy Ed Cameron
finally figured himself out.
- 1741. He came out of the closet
- 1742. and ended up marrying
the cute old guy from Judas Priest.
- 1743. Mike sued the owners of Trifecta
for age discrimination,
- 1744. and we got some of our equity back.
- 1745. Connor blew his share on a neck lift.
- 1746. Nice!
- 1747. Life is good.
And I've been in therapy, doin' the work.
- 1748. Leah says she's seen a noticeable change.
- 1749. I don't let things get to me
the way they used to.
- 1750. Excuse me. Sir.
- 1751. You really think that's smart?
- 1752. Throwin' a ball around like that
with a baby strapped to your chest?
- 1753. You know what?
I didn't even think of that.
- 1754. Thank you for that information.
I appreciate it.
- 1755. Yeah, absolutely.
- 1756. Have a nice day.
- 1757. Fuckin' asshole.
- 1758. Come on, buddy. Nice throw.
- 1759. Holy shit. You all right, buddy?
- 1760. Just walk it off.
- 1761. All right, let's try to get
ten in a row here. That was crazy, huh?
- 1762. Nice throw!
Nice throw! There you go.
- 1763. Another nice throw. Right here.
- 1764. Gets the ball over to first base!
- 1765. Oh, Jesus.