- 1. Mother shitter,
son of an ass—
- 2. You— I'll just—
- 3. I was told— Have you—
- 4. I was told that if I was late again,
I would be summarily dismissed.
- 5. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
- 6. Just a moment.
- 7. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 8. Just a moment.
- 9. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 10. Just a moment.
- 11. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 12. Just a moment.
- 13. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
- 14. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 15. Hello, Peter.
- 16. Uh, we have sort of a problem here.
- 17. Yeah, you apparently didn't put one of
the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports.
- 18. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that.
- 19. Mmm, yeah.
- 20. You see, we're putting the cover sheets on
all T.P.S. reports now before they go out.
- 21. Did you see the memo about this?
- 22. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have the memo right here.
I just, uh, forgot.
- 23. But it's not shipping out till tomorrow,
so there's no problem.
- 24. Yeah.
- 25. Ifyou could just go ahead and make sure you
do that from now on, that would be great.
- 26. And, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get
another copy ofthat memo.
- 27. - Mm-kay? Bye-bye, Peter.
- Yeah, no, I have the memo.
- 28. I've got it. It's right—
- 29. Hello, Phil. What's happening?
- 30. Uh, I came by here yesterday—
- 31. - Milton?
- 32. Hi. Uh, could you turn that down
just a little bit?
- 33. Well, I-I was told that I could
listen to the radio...
- 34. at a reasonable volume
from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.
- 35. Yeah, no, no,
I know you're allowed to. I, uh—
- 36. I was just thinking maybe like,
you know, a personal favor, you—
- 37. Well, I-I told Bill that if-if Sandra's going
to listen to her headphones...
- 38. while she's— while she's filing,
then I should be able to listen...
- 39. - to the radio while I'm collating.
- 40. So, I don't see why I should have
to turn down the radio.
- 41. - Yeah, all right. Okay.
- Because I enjoy listening...
- 42. - at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.
- Thanks, Milton.
- 43. Hi, Peter.
- 44. What's happening? We need to talk
about your T.P.S. reports.
- 45. Yeah, the cover sheet.
I know. I know.
- 46. - Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
- 47. - Did you get that memo?
- Yeah, I got the memo.
- 48. And I understand the policy and the problem
is just that I forgot the one time.
- 49. I've already taken care of it,
so it's not really a problem anymore.
- 50. Ah, yeah. It's just we're putting
new cover sheets...
- 51. on all the T.P.S. reports
before they go out now.
- 52. So, ifyou could go ahead and try to remember
to do that from now on, that'd be great.
- 53. All right!
- 54. - Peter Gibbons.
- Yeah. Peter?
- 55. - Yes.
- Did you get the memo about the T.P.S. reports?
- 56. I have the memo.
- 57. - No, not again.
- 58. Why does it say "paperjam"
when there is no paperjam?
- 59. I swear to God, one of these days,
I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
- 60. You and me both, man.
The thing is lucky I'm not armed.
- 61. - Piece of shit.
- Sam Ire—
- 62. Na— Na—
- 63. - No. Please.
- 64. Michael...
- 65. - Bolton?
- That's me.
- 66. Wow. Is that your real name?
- 67. - Yeah.
- So, are you related to that singer guy?
- 68. - No, it's just a coincidence.
- 69. Yeah, you fuckin' cow.
- 70. No one in this country can ever
pronounce my name right.
- 71. I-It's not that hard— Nagheenanajar.
- 72. Yeah, well, at least your name
isn't Michael Bolton.
- 73. You know, there's nothing wrong
with that name.
- 74. There was nothing wrong with it,
until I was about 12 years old...
- 75. and that no-talent ass clown became famous
and started winning Grammys.
- 76. Hmm. Why don't— Why don't you just, uh,
go by Mike instead of Michael?
- 77. No way. Why should I change?
He's the one who sucks.
- 78. - Hey, guys.
- What's up, G.?
- 79. - Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?
- Oh, it's a little early.
- 80. I gotta get out of here.
I think I'm gonna lose it.
- 81. Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's
got a case of the Mondays.
- 82. Boy, I tell you.
- 83. One ofthese days it's just gonna be like—
- 84. So, can I get you gentlemen something more
to drink, or maybe something to nibble on?
- 85. Some pizza shooters,
shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas?
- 86. Just coffee.
- 87. Okay. Sounds like a case ofthe Mondays.
- 88. What ifwe're still doing this
when we're 50?
- 89. It would be nice to have
that kind ofjob security.
- 90. Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday.
I-I can tell already.
- 91. I'm gonna end up doing it because, uh—
because I'm a big pussy.
- 92. Which is why I work
at Initech to begin with.
- 93. Yeah, well, I work at Initech, and I don't
consider myself a pussy. Okay?
- 94. Yes, I am also not a pussy.
- 95. They're gonna find out
the hard way I'm not a pussy...
- 96. - if they don't start treating
their software people better.
- That's right.
- 97. I don't understand. I could program a virus
that would rip that place off big-time.
- 98. - Yeah.
- 99. - Whoa.
- There she is.
- 100. Peter, you know,
you always talk about this girl.
- 101. Ifyou're so obsessed with her,
why don't you just ask her out?
- 102. No, I can't do that.
I'm just another asshole customer.
- 103. You can't just walk up to a waitress
and ask her out.
- 104. Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.
- 105. Uh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able
to play poker with you guys on Friday.
- 106. - Why not?
- I'm gonna see this, uh...
- 107. occupational hypnotherapist
- 108. - Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?
- Yeah, I know.
- 109. Anne wants me to go.
She thinks it might help. I'm—
- 110. You know,
sometimes I think I—
- 111. I get thinking
that she's cheating on me.
- 112. - Yeah, I know what you mean.
- 113. What is that supposed to mean?
- 114. Nothing.
- 115. Look. Just tell Anne that you're not
into hypnosis and you wanna play poker.
- 116. No, I can't do that.
She'll get all pissed off.
- 117. And, besides, I think that the guy
might actually be able to help.
- 118. I mean, he did help
Anne lose weight.
- 119. Peter, she's anorexic.
- 120. Yeah, I know.
The guy's really good.
- 121. Yeah, well, I don't think any
- 122. is gonna help you solve
any ofyour problems.
- 123. Okay? Hey,
and speaking of problems...
- 124. what's this I hear about you having problems
with your T.P.S. reports?
- 125. Yeah.
Didn't you get that memo?
- 126. - Hey! Hey, guys! Peter!
- Is that Smykowski?
- 127. - Samir!
- What's he doing?
- 128. Oh, probably working
on another heart attack.
- 129. I've been looking all over for you guys.
Have you seen this?
- 130. - I knew it. I knew it.
- What? It's a staff meeting. So what?
- 131. So what? We're all screwed, that's what.
They're gonna downsize Initech.
- 132. What are you talking about, Tom?
How do you know that?
- 133. How do I know? They're bringing in
a consultant, that's how I know.
- 134. That's what this staff meeting
is all about.
- 135. It happened at Initrode last year.
- 136. You have to interview with this consultant.
They call them "efficiency experts."
- 137. But what you're really doing
is interviewing for your own job.
- 138. Every week you say you're going
to lose yourjob, and you're still here.
- 139. Not this time.
I bet I'm the first one laid off.
- 140. The thought of having to go to
the state unemployment office,
to stand in line with scumbags!
- 141. Shit.
- 142. You know, there are people in this world
that don't have to put up with all this shit.
- 143. Like that guy
that invented the Pet Rock?
- 144. You see, that's what you have to do.
- 145. You have to use your mind...
- 146. and come up with
some really great idea like that.
- 147. And you can make millions.
Never have to work again.
- 148. You think the Pet Rock
was a really great idea?
- 149. Sure it was.
The guy made a million dollars.
- 150. You know, I had an idea like that once,
a long time ago.
- 151. Really? What was it, Tom?
- 152. Well, all right.
- 153. It was a "jump to conclusions" mat.
- 154. You see, it would be this mat...
- 155. that you would put on the floor...
- 156. and it would have different
conclusions written on it...
- 157. that you could jump to.
- 158. That is the worst idea
I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
- 159. Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.
- 160. Uh, look, I gotta get outta here.
- 161. I'll see you guys later...
- 162. - if I still have a job.
- 163. Our high school guidance counselor
used to ask us what you would do...
- 164. ifyou had a million dollars,
didn't have to work.
- 165. And, invariably, whatever you'd say,
that was supposed to be your career.
- 166. Ifyou wanted to fix old cars,
then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
- 167. - So what did you say?
- I never had an answer.
- 168. I guess that's why
I'm working at Initech.
- 169. No. You're working at Initech
'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.
- 170. If everyone listened to her,
there'd be no janitors...
- 171. because no one would clean shit up
ifthey had a million dollars.
- 172. You know what I would do
if I had million dollars?
- 173. I would invest half of it
in low-risk mutual funds...
- 174. and then take the other half of it to
my friend Asadulah, who works in securities—
- 175. Samir. Samir, you're missing the point.
The point of the exercise...
- 176. - is that you're supposed to figure out
what you would want to do if-
- 177. "P.C. load letter"?
What the fuck does that mean?
- 178. What the—
- 179. Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9!
- 180. - Check out this chick!
- Damn it, Lawrence.
- 181. Can't you just pretend like we can't
hear each other through the wall?
- 182. Oh, sorry, man!
Anne over there or somethin'?
- 183. No, but... ifyou wanna talk to me,
just come over.
- 184. Hey, man.
Check this out, dude.
- 185. The key is early detection.
Tumors that are detected—
- 186. - Aw, geez, Lawrence.
- I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.
- 187. Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
- 188. Yeah. A little bit. I—
- 189. Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while.
You two still goin' out?
- 190. Yeah. I guess.
I-I don't know.
- 191. Sometimes I get the feeling
like she's cheating on me.
- 192. Yeah. I get that feeling too, man.
- 193. What do you mean by that?
- 194. I don't know, man.
- 195. I just get that feeling
lookin' at her, like...
- 196. she's the type of chick
that would just—
- 197. Oh, I'm sorry, man.
- 198. You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass.
I don't know nothin'.
- 199. Forget it. Don't worry. It's all right.
Just— I had a rough day.
- 200. Tell me about it, man.
- 201. I gotta wake my ass up
at 6:00 a.m. Every day this week...
- 202. drag up to Las Colindas.
- 203. Yeah. I'm doin' the drywall up there
at the new McDonald's.
- 204. Let me ask you something.
- 205. When you come in on Monday
and you're not feelin' real well...
- 206. does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like
someone has a case of the Mondays"?
- 207. No.
- 208. No, man.
- 209. Shit, no, man.
- 210. I believe you'd get your ass kicked,
sayin' somethin' like that, man.
- 211. - Huh.
- We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
- 212. Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me
come in on Saturday. I just know it.
- 213. Well, you can get out
of that easily.
- 214. Yeah? How?
- 215. Well...
- 216. when a boss wants you
to work on a Saturday...
- 217. - he generally asks you at the end ofthe day, right?
- 218. So all you gotta do is avoid him—
That's all right. I got it—
- 219. on the last few hours on Friday,
duck out early...
- 220. turn offyour answering machine,
you should be home free, man.
- 221. That's a really good idea.
- 222. Fuckin'-A, man.
- 223. Lawrence, what would you do
ifyou had a million dollars?
- 224. I'll tell you what I'd do, man.
- 225. Two chicks at the same time, man.
- 226. That's it?
- 227. Ifyou had a million dollars,
y-you'd do two chicks at the same time?
- 228. Damn straight.
I've always wanted to do that, man.
- 229. I think if I were a millionaire,
I could hook that up too.
- 230. - 'Cause chicks dig dudes with money.
- Well, not all chicks.
- 231. Well, the type of chicks that would
double up on a dude like me do.
- 232. - Good point.
- Well, what about you now?
- 233. - What would you do?
- Besides two chicks at the same time?
- 234. - Well, yeah.
- 235. Nothin', huh?
- 236. I would relax.
- 237. I would sit on my ass all day.
- 238. I would do nothing.
- 239. Well, you don't need
a million dollars to do nothin', man.
- 240. Take a look at my cousin.
He's broke, don't do shit.
- 241. Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking. Just a moment.
- 242. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 243. Just a moment.
- 244. Corporate Accounts Payable.
- 245. Just a moment.
- 246. So, you should ask yourself:
- 247. With every decision you make,
is this good for the company?
- 248. - Am I helping with—
- Is that the guy?
- 249. Yeah. We're screwed.
- 250. Okay, then, um—
- 251. I'd like to go ahead and welcome,
uh, a new member to our team here.
- 252. This is, uh, Bob Slydell.
- 253. Yeah. Uh—
- 254. Bob is a consultant.
- 255. Yeah. He's gonna be sort of, uh...
- 256. helping us out a little here...
- 257. asking some questions, maybe seeing
ifthere are some ways...
- 258. we can make things run
a little more smoothly around here.
- 259. Yeah.
Oh, and remember...
- 260. next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day.
- 261. So, you know, ifyou want to,
go ahead and, uh...
- 262. wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
- 263. And I said I don't care
ifthey lay me off, either.
- 264. Because I told Bill that ifthey move
my desk one more time...
- 265. then I'm— I'm quitting—
I'm going to quit.
- 266. And I told Dom too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year.
- 267. And I used to be over
by the window...
- 268. and I could see the squirrels,
and they were married.
- 269. But then they switched from the Swingline
to the Boston stapler.
- 270. But I kept my Swingline stapler
because it didn't bind up as much...
- 271. and I kept the staples
for the Swingline stapler.
- 272. - Okay, Milton.
- And, oh, no, it's not okay...
- 273. because ifthey make me—
ifthey take my stapler...
- 274. then I'll— I'll have to—
I'll set the building on fire.
- 275. Okay, well, that sounds, uh—
that sounds great.
- 276. - Uh, I'll talk to you later, all right? Bye.
- 277. Oh.
- 278. Yeah.
- 279. Good-bye.
- 280. Come on.
- 281. Oh, for cryin'—
- 282. Hello, Peter.
- 283. Um...
I'm gonna need you...
- 284. to go ahead and come in tomorrow.
- 285. So ifyou could be here around...
- 286. 9:00, that would be great.
- 287. Mm-kay?
- 288. Oh, oh, and I almost forgot.
- 289. Uh, I'm also gonna need you
to go ahead and come in...
- 290. on Sunday too, 'kay?
- 291. We, um, lost some people this week...
- 292. and, uh, we need
to sort of play catch-up.
- 293. Thanks.
- 294. So I was sitting
in my cubicle today, and I realized...
- 295. ever since I started working, um...
- 296. every single day of my life
has been worse than...
- 297. the day before it.
- 298. So that means that every single day
that you see me...
- 299. that's on the worst day of my life.
- 300. What about today?
Is today the worst day ofyour life?
- 301. - Yeah.
- Wow. That's messed up.
- 302. I'm sorry. Go on.
- 303. Is there any way
that you could sort of...
- 304. just zonk me out so that, like,
I don't know that I'm at work... in here?
- 305. Could I come home and think that
I've been fishing all day, or something?
- 306. That's... really not
what I do, Peter.
- 307. However...
- 308. the good news is,
I think I can help you.
- 309. I want you to do something
for me, Peter.
- 310. I want you to try and relax.
- 311. I want you to relax
every muscle in your body...
- 312. beginning with your toes
to your fingertips.
- 313. Now, I want you to relax your legs.
- 314. You're beginning to feel
your eyelids getting heavy...
- 315. as you slip deeper and deeper...
- 316. into a state of complete relaxation.
- 317. All your cares and concerns
- 318. Deeper and deeper.
- 319. Your concern about yourjob...
- 320. melts away...
- 321. way, way down.
- 322. Now, when I count
backwards from three...
- 323. you'll be in a state
of complete relaxation.
- 324. Your worries, cares
and inhibitions will be gone...
- 325. and you will remain in that state...
- 326. until I snap my fingers.
- 327. Three.
Deeper and deeper.
- 328. Way, way down.
- 329. Two.
Deeper and deeper.
- 330. W-W-Way down.
- 331. Whu— Whu— One.
- 332. Oh, my God! Doctor Swanson!
- 333. - Ew! Ew!
- Is he breathing?
- 334. - Call 911!
- Oh! Where's the phone?
Where's the goddamn phone?
- 335. Hurry!
- 336. - Peter!
- 337. Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lumbergh.
- 338. It's about... 10:00.
- 339. Yeah. Just, uh,
wondering where you are.
- 340. Yeah. Hi.
It's Bill Lumbergh again.
- 341. Uh, I just wanted to
make sure you knew...
- 342. that we did start at
the, uh, usual time this morning.
- 343. Yeah. It isn't a half day
or anything like that.
- 344. So, ifyou could just go ahead...
- 345. and get here as soon as possible,
that would be terrific.
- 346. Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lum—
- 347. - Yeah. It's—
- Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh—
- 348. Yeah. It's me again.
Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute.
- 349. - Just checking in, in case
you called while I was gone.
- 350. - Hello?
- Peter, what's going on?
- 351. - Huh?
- It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?
- 352. Because I— I— I didn't feel like it.
- 353. Peter, what's gotten into you?
- 354. First, you just sit there
while Dr. Swanson dies.
- 355. Then you just walk out ofthe car
and embarrass me in front of my friends.
- 356. - Don't blame this on hypnosis, either.
That's total bull—
- 357. Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me.
- 358. We're through.
Oh, and one more thing.
- 359. I've been cheating on you!
- 360. So, from now on,
only use the new time sheets...
- 361. ifyou've worked on
two or more job codes in one day...
- 362. and you need the extra
columns to fit it all in.
- 363. - Otherwise, use the old time sheets—
- Where's Peter?
- 364. I heard he didn't
show up this weekend.
- 365. - Uh, I don't know.
- I think this new system
will really, really help us out.
- 366. - Who the hell is that guy?
- So, uh, any questions?
- 367. - Hi. I'm Peter.
- Hi. Can I help you?
- 368. What are you doin' for lunch today?
- 369. Uh, well, our specials today
are blackened chicken.
- 370. And— It's actually right there
on the board. Excuse me.
- 371. Hey, look who's back!
- 372. Table for three to—
- 373. I was askin' what you
were doin' for lunch.
- 374. Would you like to
have lunch with me?
- 375. Are you— Are you serious?
- 376. Yeah.
- 377. Yeah. Um, I don't— I don't think
I'm supposed to do that.
- 378. Oh. Okay.
- 379. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go
next door and get a table.
- 380. And ifyou'd like to join me,
uh, no big deal, all right?
- 381. And if not, that's cool too. Okay?
- 382. - Okay.
- All right.
- 383. When you say, "next door,"
do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?
- 384. Flinger's.
- 385. Okay.
- 386. What you do at Initech is you take
the specifications from the customers...
- 387. and you bring them down
to the software engineers.
- 388. Yes. Y-Yes.
That's— That's right.
- 389. Well, then I just have to ask...
- 390. why couldn't the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?
- 391. Well, I'll tell you why.
- 392. Uh, because... engineers are not good
at dealing with customers.
- 393. Uh-huh.
- 394. So, you physically take the specs
from the customer?
- 395. Well—
- 396. No. My secretary does that,
or they're faxed.
- 397. Huh.
- 398. So then you must physically bring them
to the software people.
- 399. Well... no.
- 400. I mean, sometimes.
- 401. Ah.
- 402. What would you say you do here?
- 403. Well, look, I already told you.
- 404. I deal with the goddamn customers
so the engineers don't have to.
- 405. I have people skills.
I am good at dealing with people!
- 406. Can't you understand that?
What the hell is wrong with you people?
- 407. I—
- 408. Let's see.
- 409. You are Michael...
- 410. - Bolton?
- 411. - Is that your real name?
- 412. Are you any relation
to the pop singer?
- 413. - No, it's— it's just a coincidence.
- I'll be honest with you.
- 414. - I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton fan.
- Me too.
- 415. I don't know if it gets any better than when
he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."
- 416. But you must really
love his music, huh?
- 417. Yeah, he's— he's—
- 418. - He's pretty good, I guess.
- You're goddamn right, he is.
- 419. - Right.
- 420. So, tell me.
What's your favorite song of his?
- 421. Mmm—
- 422. I don't— I don't know.
- 423. I mean, I guess I sort of like them all.
- 424. That's a riot.
I'm the exact same way.
- 425. But it must be twice as hard for you,
being having the same name as him.
- 426. I celebrate the guy's
- 427. Anyway, let's get down
to business, Michael.
- 428. You know, you can just call me Mike.
- 429. - Hi.
- 430. I wonder if I'm allowed
to, uh, wear this in here.
- 431. I think it'll be okay.
Would you like to sit down?
- 432. Okay.
- 433. Wow! This place is really... nice.
- 434. Yeah. Is it?
- 435. Yeah, my God,
compared to Chotchkie's!
- 436. I like the uniforms better, anyway.
- 437. I like yours.
- 438. Ugh!
- 439. - "We're not in Kansas anymore."
- 440. Yeah, really.
- 441. It's on your—
- 442. Ohh! Yeah. That's—
- 443. - That's one of my- my pieces of flair.
- What's a piece of flair?
- 444. Oh, it's, uh, where, you know,
like these suspenders...
- 445. and, uh, the buttons
are all sort of-
- 446. We're actually required to wear,
um, 15 pieces of flair.
- 447. It's really stupid, actually.
- 448. - Do you get to pick 'em yourself?
- Yeah, yeah, we do.
- 449. Although I didn't
actually choose these.
- 450. I just sort of grabbed, you know,
15 buttons and just—
- 451. I don't even know what they say.
You know, I don't really care.
- 452. I don't really like
talking about my flair.
- 453. - Okay.
- 454. - where do you, uh, work, Peter?
- 455. And, yeah, what—
what do you do there?
- 456. I sit in a cubicle...
- 457. and I update bank software
for the 2000 switch.
- 458. - What's that?
- Well, see, they wrote all this bank software...
- 459. and, uh, to save space, they used two digits
for the date instead of four.
- 460. So, like, 98 instead of 1998.
- 461. Uh, so I go through these
thousands of lines of code and, uh—
- 462. It doesn't really matter.
- 463. I, uh— I don't like
myjob, and, uh...
- 464. I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
- 465. - You're just not gonna go?
- 466. - Won't you get fired?
- I don't know.
- 467. But I really don't like it
and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
- 468. What, so you're gonna quit?
- 469. Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh—
I'm just gonna stop going.
- 470. Uh, when did you decide all ofthat?
- 471. - About an hour ago.
- Oh, really.
- 472. - Yeah.
- About an hour ago.
- 473. So you're gonna get anotherjob?
- 474. I don't think I'd like anotherjob.
- 475. Well, what are you going to do
about money and bills and—
- 476. You know, I've never
really liked paying bills.
- 477. I don't think I'm gonna
do that, either.
- 478. Uh, well, so what do you wanna do?
- 479. I wanna take you out to dinner...
- 480. and then I want to go back to my apartment
and watch Kung F.
- 481. Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
- 482. - I love Kung F.
- Channel 39.
- 483. - Totally.
- You should come over
and watch Kung Fu tonight.
- 484. - Okay.
- 485. Okay. Can we order lunch first?
- 486. - Yeah.
- 487. Not working out.
- 488. Took a stapler off my desk—
- 489. Anyway, sounds great, Bob.
See you in a few.
- 490. Hi, Milton.
- 491. - I'm sorry?
- Um, I'm going to have to ask you...
- 492. to go ahead
and move your desk again.
- 493. - Eh— What? No.
- So, ifyou could go ahead...
- 494. and get it as far back against that wall
- 495. - that would be great.
- No, no, because I was—
- 496. - I was told I no longer-
- That way, we'll have some room...
- 497. for some ofthese boxes and things
we need to put in here.
- 498. - There's no room.
- And, uh—
- 499. Oh. Oh, there it is.
- 500. - What?
- Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you.
- 501. - Great.
- 502. - So ifyou could just get to that...
- 503. as soon as possible,
that would be terrific. Mm-kay?
- 504. - Thanks a bunch, Milton. Good-bye.
- 505. Well, okay, but...
- 506. I could set the building on fire.
- 507. - Peter.
- 508. What the hell's going on, man? I thought you
were gonna come in here and start shooting.
- 509. No. I just came to get my address book.
I'm not gonna stay.
- 510. - I got a phone number, Mike,
that I don't wanna lose.
- 511. Peter, you're in deep shit. You were
supposed to come in on Saturday.
- 512. - What were you doing?
- Michael, I did nothing.
- 513. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything
that I thought it could be.
- 514. I hope you have a better story
than that for Lumbergh.
- 515. You're supposed to be having your interview
right now with the consultants.
- 516. - The who?
- The consultants.
- 517. What has gotten into you?
- 518. Oh, yeah. Right.
- 519. Wait, Peter. Peter.
You gotta postpone it, man.
- 520. Tell 'em you've been sick.
Make something up.
- 521. Oh, no way.
No, I feel great.
- 522. It's the best day of my life.
- 523. Next batter looks
like a Peter Gibbons.
- 524. - Uh-huh.
- Ah, there you are.
- 525. We were just talking about you.
You must be Peter Gibbons.
- 526. Uh-huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell.
This is my associate Bob Porter.
- 527. Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.
- 528. Why don't you go ahead and grab a seat
and join us for a minute or two.
- 529. You see, what we're actually trying
to do here is we're just—
- 530. We're trying to get a feel for how
people spend their day at work.
- 531. So, ifyou would, would you walk us through
a typical day for you?
- 532. - Yeah.
- 533. Well, I generally come in
at least 15 minutes late.
- 534. Uh, I use the side door.
- 535. That way Lumbergh can't see me.
- 536. And, uh— And after that...
- 537. I just sort of space out
for about an hour.
- 538. - Uh, "space out"?
- 539. I just stare at my desk,
but it looks like I'm working.
- 540. I do that for, uh, probably another hour
after lunch too.
- 541. I'd say in a given week, I probably
only do about 15 minutes...
- 542. of real, actual work.
- 543. Uh, Peter, would you
be a good sport...
- 544. and indulge us and just...
tell us a little more?
- 545. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something
about T.P.S. reports.
- 546. The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy.
It's that I just don't care.
- 547. Don't— Don't care?
- 548. It's a problem
of motivation, all right?
- 549. Now, if I work my ass off
and Initech ships a few extra units...
- 550. I don't see another dime,
so where's the motivation?
- 551. And here's something else, Bob.
- 552. I have eight different bosses right now.
- 553. - I beg your pardon? Eight?
- Eight bosses. Eight, Bob.
- 554. So that means that
when I make a mistake...
- 555. I have eight different people coming by
to tell me about it.
- 556. That's my only real motivation
is not to be hassled.
- 557. That and the fear of losing myjob.
- 558. But you know, Bob, that'll only make someone
workjust hard enough not to get fired.
- 559. Would you bear with me
forjust a second, please?
- 560. Okay.
- 561. What if- and believe me...
- 562. this is so hypothetical—
- 563. but what ifyou were offered
some kind of a stock option...
- 564. equity-sharing program?
- 565. - Would that do anything for you?
- I don't know. I guess.
- 566. Listen, I'm gonna go. Uh, it's been really nice
talking to both of you guys.
- 567. Absolutely. The pleasure's all
on this side ofthe table, trust me.
- 568. Good luck with your layoffs, all right?
I hope your firings go really well.
- 569. - Okay. Great. Wow.
- Thanks a lot.
- 570. So, Peter, what's happening?
- 571. Listen, uh—
- 572. Joanna, would you come here
a minute, please?
- 573. Yeah.
- 574. I'm sorry I was late,
but I was having lunch and I, uh—
- 575. We need to talk about your flair.
- 576. Really? I-I have 15 pieces on. I also—
- 577. - Well, 15 is the minimum, okay?
- Oh. Okay.
- 578. Now, you know,
it's up to you whether or not...
- 579. you wanna just do
the bare minimum or, uh—
- 580. Well, like Brian, for example,
has 37 pieces of flair on today.
- 581. - And a terrific smile.
- Okay, so you want me to wear more?
- 582. - Look, Joanna—
- 583. People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay?
- 584. They come to Chotchkie's
for the atmosphere and the attitude.
- 585. Okay? That's what the flair's about.
It's about fun.
- 586. Yeah.
Okay, so more then, yeah?
- 587. Look, we want you
to express yourself. Okay?
- 588. Now, ifyou feel that the bare minimum
is enough, then okay.
- 589. But some people choose to wear more
and we encourage that. Okay?
- 590. You do wanna express yourself, don't you?
- 591. - Y-Yeah.
- Okay, great, great.
- 592. That's all I ask.
- 593. Okay.
- 594. Right, so there's three more people
we can easily lose.
- 595. And then there's Tom Smykowski.
- 596. He's useless.
- 597. - Gone.
- Sounds good to me.
- 598. Here's a peculiar-
Uh, Milton Waddams.
- 599. - Who's he?
- You know, squirrely-looking guy.
- 600. - Mumbles a lot.
- Oh, yeah.
- 601. Yeah, we— we can't actually find a record
of him being a current employee here.
- 602. I looked into it more deeply, and I found
that apparently what happened...
- 603. is that he was laid off five years ago,
and no one ever told him about it.
- 604. But through some kind of glitch in
the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
- 605. So we just went ahead
and fixed the glitch.
- 606. - Great.
- So, uh, Milton has been let go.
- 607. Well, just a second there, professor.
- 608. We, uh— We fixed the glitch...
- 609. so he won't be receiving
a paycheck anymore...
- 610. so it'll just work
itself out naturally.
- 611. We always like to avoid confrontation
- 612. The problem is solved from your end.
- 613. Um, I'd like to move us right along
to a Peter Gibbons.
- 614. Now, we had a chance
to meet this young man...
- 615. and, boy, that's
just a straight shooter...
- 616. with upper management
written all over him.
- 617. Ooh.
- 618. Yeah. Um—
- 619. I'm going to have to go ahead
and sort of disagree with you there.
- 620. Yeah, uh, he's been
real flaky lately...
- 621. and I'm just not sure that
he's the caliber person...
- 622. that we would want
for upper management.
- 623. He's also been having some problems
with his T.P.S. reports.
- 624. I'll handle this.
- 625. We feel...
- 626. that the problem isn't with Peter.
- 627. Mm-mmm.
- 628. It's that you haven't challenged him enough
to get him really motivated.
- 629. There it is.
- 630. Yeah, uh, well...
- 631. I'm just not sure
about that right now.
- 632. Yeah, Bill, let me ask you
a real quick question here.
- 633. How much time would you
say you spend each week...
- 634. dealing with these T.P.S. reports?
- 635. Yeah.
- 636. Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9.
- 637. It's the breast exams.
- 638. So, Peter, what's happening?
- 639. Uh, now, are you
going to go ahead...
- 640. and have those T.P.S. reports
for us this afternoon?
- 641. No.
- 642. Ah, yeah.
- 643. So I guess we should probably go ahead
and have a little talk, hmm?
- 644. Not right now, Lumbergh.
I'm— I'm kinda busy.
- 645. In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go
ahead and just come back another time.
- 646. I got a meeting with the Bobs
in a couple minutes.
- 647. Uh, I wasn't aware of
a meeting with them.
- 648. Yeah, they called me at home.
- 649. That sounds good, Peter.
- 650. And, uh, we'll go ahead
and get this all fixed up for you.
- 651. Great.
- 652. Hi, Milton.
- 653. I was— I-I— I didn't receive
my paycheck this week.
- 654. Uh, you're going to have to talk
to Payroll about that.
- 655. I did and they said—
- 656. Milt, we're going to need to go ahead
and move you downstairs into storage "B."
- 657. - No, I-I was told I could not—
- We have some new people coming in...
- 658. - No. There's—
- and we need all the space we can get.
- 659. - But there's no space—
- So ifyou could just go ahead...
- 660. - and pack up your stuff, and move it down there...
- 661. - that would be terrific— mm-kay?
- I was told I could stay—
- 662. Excuse me.
- 663. I believe you have
my stapler, please. Mmm.
- 664. Looks like you've been missing
a lot ofwork lately.
- 665. - I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
- 666. - Good one.
- Oh, that's terrific, Peter.
- 667. I-I'm sure you've— you've
heard some ofthe rumors...
- 668. circulating around the hallways
about how we're going to be doing...
- 669. a little "housecleaning" with
some ofthe software people.
- 670. Well, Bob, I have heard that,
and you gotta do what you gotta do.
- 671. We're gonna be getting rid
ofthese people here.
- 672. First, Mr. Samir Naga—
- 673. - He— He—
- 674. - Naga— Not gonna work here anymore anyway.
- 675. And Mr. Mike Bolton.
Nobody's gonna miss him.
- 676. You're gonna lay off
Samir and Michael?
- 677. Ah, yeah, we're gonna bring in
some entry-level graduates.
- 678. Farm some work out to Singapore.
That's the usual deal.
- 679. - It's standard operating procedure.
- Do they know this yet?
- 680. No. No, of course not.
- 681. We find it's always better
to fire people on a Friday.
- 682. Studies have statistically shown
that there's less chance of an incident...
- 683. ifyou do it at the end of the week.
- 684. Peter, what we'd like to do
is put you into position...
- 685. to have as many as four people
working right underneath you.
- 686. - This is a big promotion, Pete.
- It's huge.
- 687. So you're going to fire Michael and Samir
and you're going to give me more money?
- 688. - Hmm?
- 689. Hmm. Yeah.
- 690. That's exactly what I need.
Uh-huh. Give it to me.
- 691. Come on, you little fucker.
Let's go. That's what I need.
- 692. Let's do that. Let's do exactly that,
you little fuck—
- 693. - Michael.
- 694. Listen to me.
- 695. What are you doing tonight?
- 696. Michael, there comes
a point in a man's life...
- 697. and maybe that time
for you is now...
- 698. when it doesn't hurt
to start thinking about the future.
- 699. Uh, no offense there, Peter,
but speak for yourself there, sport.
- 700. I'm not the one who's been
flakin' out at work.
- 701. I know you had this religious experience
or whatever the hell that was...
- 702. but you'd better snap out of it and get
your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.
- 703. Yeah, and, uh— and I— Listen.
- 704. That virus you're always
talking about, right?
- 705. The one that could rip offthe company
for a bunch of money.
- 706. - Yeah, what about it?
- Well, how does it work?
- 707. It's pretty brilliant.
- 708. What it does is, every time there's a bank
transaction where interest is computed...
- 709. you know, thousands a day,
the computer ends up...
- 710. with these fractions of a cent,
which it usually rounds off.
- 711. What this does is, it takes those
little remainders and puts it into an account.
- 712. - This sounds familiar.
- Yeah, they did it in Superman ///.
- 713. - Right, uh—
- An underrated movie, actually.
- 714. And a bunch of hackers that did it in
the '70s as well. One of them got busted.
- 715. - Well, so they check for this now.
- No, here's the thing.
- 716. Initech's so backed up with all the software
we're updating for the year 2000...
- 717. they'd never notice.
- 718. You're right.
- 719. And even ifthey wanted to,
they couldn't check all that code.
- 720. Thumbs up their asses.
Thumbs up their asses.
- 721. So, Michael, what's to stop you
from doing this?
- 722. It's not worth the risk.
I got a good job.
- 723. What ifyou didn't have a good job?
- 724. Cock-gobblers!
- 725. Samir and I are the best programmers
they got at that place.
- 726. And you, you haven't been showin' up,
and you get to keep yourjob.
- 727. - Actually, I'm being promoted.
- 728. I know, Michael.
It's completely unfair.
- 729. And I realized something today.
- 730. It's notjust about me
and my dream of doing nothing.
- 731. It's about all of us together.
- 732. I don't know what happened
to me at that hypnotherapist...
- 733. and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock
and it's wearing off now...
- 734. but when I saw that fat man
keel over and die—
- 735. Michael, we don't have
a lot oftime on this earth.
- 736. We weren't meant
to spend it this way.
- 737. Human beings were not meant
to sit in little cubicles...
- 738. staring at computer screens all day,
filling out useless forms...
- 739. and listening to eight different bosses
drone on about mission statements.
- 740. I told those fudge-packers
I liked Michael Bolton's music.
- 741. Oh. That is not right, Michael.
- 742. For five years now,
you've worked your ass off at Initech...
- 743. hoping for a promotion or some kind
of profit-sharing or something.
- 744. Five years ofyour mid-20s now gone.
- 745. And you're gonna go in tomorrow,
they're gonna throw you out on the street.
- 746. You know why?
- 747. So that Bill Lumbergh's stock
will go up a quarter of a point.
- 748. Ugh.
- 749. Michael, let's make
that stock go down...
- 750. and let's take enough money
out of that place...
- 751. so that we never ever have to
sit in a cubicle ever again.
- 752. Your software works, right?
- 753. Of course it works.
That's not the point.
- 754. Look, even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't know how to install it.
- 755. I don't know the credit union's software
well enough. Okay?
- 756. Yeah.
- 757. But Samir does.
- 758. - But, Peter, that's not much money.
- That's the beauty of it.
- 759. Each withdrawal, that's a fraction of a cent.
That's too small to notice.
- 760. But a few thousand withdrawals a day,
you space it out over a couple ofyears...
- 761. that's a few hundred
- 762. - It'slike Superman III.
- Superman III—What-
- 763. Look, I have to leave now, okay?
- 764. I have to get my résumé ready.
- 765. Get your résumé ready? For what? For another
job where they can just fire you for no reason?
- 766. That's right!
If I'm lucky!
- 767. I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired
of being pushed around. Aren't you?
- 768. Yes, Peter! But I'm not going
to do anything illegal.
- 769. Illegal?
Samir, this is America!
- 770. Come on. Sit down.
- 771. Come on. This isn't Riyadh.
- 772. They're not gonna
saw your hands off here, all right?
- 773. The worst they would ever do is,
they would put you, for a couple of months...
- 774. into a white-collar,
- 775. Shit, we should be so lucky!
- 776. - Do you know they have conjugal visits there?
- 777. - Yes.
- 778. I'm a free man, I haven't had
a conjugal visit in six months.
- 779. - So, what do you think?
- This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.
- 780. Samir...
- 781. you came here looking for
a land of opportunity...
- 782. and this is the knock
- 783. Tomorrow's your last day at Initech.
- 784. You have two options:
unemployment or early retirement.
- 785. What's it gonna be?
- 786. - I have a question.
- 787. In— In these conjugal visits,
you can have sex with women?
- 788. Yep. You sure can.
- 789. Okay, I'll do it.
- 790. - That's what I'm talking about
when I talk about Amer—
- 791. - How about we discuss the plan?
- Okay, yeah. Good. Right.
- 792. It works like a computer virus.
- 793. All we have to do is load it into the credit
union mainframe, and it'll do the rest.
- 794. Okay. You guys get me that disk,
and I'll take care of it from there.
- 795. But listen, before we go any further,
- 796. we have to swear to God, Allah...
- 797. that nobody knows about this but us.
- 798. All right? No family members,
no girlfriends, nobody.
- 799. - Of course.
- 800. Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone either!
- 801. - What the fuck is that?
- No, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right.
- 802. Here's how I see it all going down.
- 803. Peter, congratulations.
This is one heck of a promotion.
- 804. - Thank you, Bob.
- We'll get some people under you right away.
- 805. - Well, that was easy.
- Yeah, I guess it was.
- 806. What'd you do with the c—
- 807. Hey, man.
- 808. Oh, hey, Drew.
- 809. - You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?
- What, that he got laid off?
- 810. No, man. Check it out.
- 811. Last week, right after he found out
he was getting laid off...
- 812. he goes home and tries to kill himself
by running the car in the garage.
- 813. - Is he dead?
- No, man. Check it out.
- 814. That wife of his comes home early
from work and catches him.
- 815. - So he tries to play it off like nothing happened.
- 816. I was—
having some trouble with the shifter here.
- 817. It's jammed,
and I couldn't get it into drive.
- 818. - I-I-I mean, reverse.
- You okay, Tom?
- 819. - Then, as he's looking at her...
- 820. - he decides he wants to live.
- Yeah, I think I'm okay.
- 821. - Right.
- Seems to be working now.
- 822. See ya later, honey!
- 823. Love ya!
- 824. But then, as soon as
he backs out of his driveway—
- 825. Bam! He gets slammed big-time
by a drunk driver!
- 826. - Is he okay?
- Sort of.
- 827. He broke both his wrists, legs,
couple of ribs, his back.
- 828. But he's gonna get a huge settlement
out of this, like, seven figures.
- 829. He's getting out
of the hospital tomorrow.
- 830. He's gonna throw a party this weekend
to celebrate. We're all invited.
- 831. I'm thinkin' I might take
that new chick from Logistics.
- 832. Things go well, I might be showin' her
my "O" face.
- 833. "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
You know what I'm talkin' about.
- 834. "Oh!"
- 835. Yeah. Right.
See you guys there.
- 836. Wow. Our last day at Initech.
- 837. I can't believe they had Security
escort us out.
- 838. Like we're going to steal something.
- 839. - I stole something.
- Oh, yeah. Guess we all did.
- 840. No, I stole something else.
- 841. What did you steal?
- 842. Call it a going-away present.
- 843. Who's got my keys?
- 844. - I'm driving. Not you.
- Everything is gonna be okay. All right?
- 845. - Peter— Peter—
- Okay? It's fun, and it's exciting.
- 846. - Be serious.
- I gotta go. All right?
- 847. Joanna's coming over.
All right? Don't worry.
- 848. You're worrying. All right?
- 849. Monday morning we're gonna check
the account balance. Everything'll be okay.
- 850. Don't miss Tom's barbecue.
I'll see you there. All right?
- 851. Hey, what were you guys
celebrating last night?
- 852. Uh... I'm not really at liberty
to talk about it.
- 853. I really can't.
- 854. All right, so when the subroutine
compounds the interest...
- 855. it uses all these extra decimal places
thatjust get rounded off.
- 856. So we simplified the whole thing...
- 857. and we just— we round 'em all down
and drop the remainder...
- 858. into an account that we opened.
- 859. So, you're stealing.
- 860. Uh, no.
You don't understand.
- 861. It's, uh— It's very complicated.
- 862. It's, uh— It's aggregate, so I'm talking
about fractions of a penny here.
- 863. And, uh, over time
they add up to a lot.
- 864. Oh, okay. So, you're gonna make
a lot of money, right?
- 865. - Yeah.
- Right? That's not yours?
- 866. - Uh, well, it becomes ours.
- How is that not stealing?
- 867. I don't think, uh— I don't think
that I'm explaining this very well.
- 868. - Um, the 7-Eleven, right?
- 869. You'd take a penny from the tray.
- 870. - From the crippled children?
- No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray.
- 871. The— You know,
the pennies for everybody.
- 872. Oh. For everybod— Okay.
- 873. Yeah, well, those are whole pennies.
- 874. I'm just talking about
fractions of a penny here.
- 875. Okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray
a couple of million times.
- 876. So what's wrong with that?
- 877. - I don't know. Itjust seems wrong.
- It's not wrong.
- 878. Initech is wrong.
Initech is an evil corporation.
- 879. Chotchkie's is wrong.
- 880. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up
in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
- 881. Yeah, but I'm not about to go in
and start taking money from the register.
- 882. Well, maybe you should.
- 883. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair
that they made the Jews wear.
- 884. What?
- 885. Look, we don't— I-I—
- 886. We don't have to
talk about this now.
- 887. - Let's just go to the barbecue.
- 888. Michael! Samir!
How you doin'?
- 889. - Hey, Tom.
- Hello, Tom.
- 890. I'd like you to meet
my lawyer, Rob Newhouse.
- 891. - Rob, Michael, Samir.
- How you doing?
- 892. Peter! How are you?
I'm glad you could make it.
- 893. Tom, hi. This is somebody
I'd like you to meet.
- 894. - This is Joanna.
- Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.
- 895. Uh— Uh, Peter, come here a minute.
I wanna show you something.
- 896. Well, what do you think?
It's a prototype.
- 897. Huh! That's exactly as you described it.
- 898. Uh, listen,
I heard about your settlement.
- 899. - Congratulations.
- Well, thanks, Peter.
- 900. You know, I'm glad you're here
because I wanted to talk to you.
- 901. I know how you get depressed
about yourjob and all.
- 902. I just wanted you to know that I know
how you feel. I used to be the same way.
- 903. - Really?
- 904. Maybe I didn't whine as much,
but I bet I hated myjob even more than you.
- 905. And I've been doing it
for over 30 years.
- 906. - Wow.
- Just remember.
- 907. Ifyou hang in there long enough...
- 908. good things can happen
in this world.
- 909. I mean, look at me.
- 910. Thanks, Tom.
- 911. Oh, sure.
- 912. Conjugal visits?
Not that I know of.
- 913. A minimum-security prison
is no picnic.
- 914. I have a client in there right now.
- 915. He says, the trick is,
kick someone's ass the first day...
- 916. or become someone's bitch.
- 917. Then everything'll be all right.
- 918. Why do you ask, anyway?
- 919. Oh, no, we were just— Sorry. Sorry.
- 920. - Hey, Peter.
- 921. That's somethin'
about ol' Smykowski, huh?
- 922. - Yeah.
- Lucky bastard.
- 923. Hey, isn't that the girl
that works over at Chotchkie's?
- 924. Yeah.
- 925. Who's she here with?
- 926. She's with me.
- 927. - Really?
- 928. All right, Peter.
- 929. - Right on.
- 930. Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
- 931. Why is that, Drew?
- 932. Are you kidding me?
She gets around.
- 933. All right?
- 934. She does, does she?
- 935. Oh, yeah, like a record.
- 936. Like, with who?
- 937. Oh, let's see, uh—
- 938. Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
- 939. Let me see who else.
- 940. Uh, Dick Rennie—
- 941. - Lumbergh?
- Eric Louis—
- 942. So, what if- Oh.
What ifyou get caught?
- 943. I just don't know
ifthis was such a good idea.
- 944. Yeah, well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea
for you to sleep with Lumbergh.
- 945. What?
- 946. What are you—
- 947. Oh, right. Lumbergh.
- 948. Aah!
- 949. Oh, God. Lumbergh.
- 950. Peter, what is wrong with you?
- 951. That was, like, two years ago.
What, did you know him?
- 952. Yeah, I know him.
I know him. He's my boss.
- 953. He's my unholy,
disgusting pig of a boss!
- 954. Oh, he's not that disgusting.
- 955. He represents all
that is soulless and wrong!
- 956. - And you slept with him.
- 957. That is none ofyour business.
- 958. I didn't ask you who you slept with
before we were together.
- 959. - I don't care.
- Well, I didn't think you slept
with guys like Lumbergh!
- 960. Listen to you.
- 961. Who do you think you are?
How dare you judge me.
- 962. I mean, what are you?
Some kind of angel here?
- 963. No, you're just
- 964. wannabe criminal... m-man.
- 965. Yeah, well, that may be...
- 966. but at least
I never slept with Lumbergh.
- 967. Okay, that's— I'm done.
I wanna get out of the car.
- 968. - Fine.
- 969. Just call me when you grow up.
- 970. You know, that's never gonna happen.
So just don't call me.
- 971. Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
- 972. Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
- 973. Lumbergh fucked her.
- 974. Lumbergh... fucked her.
- 975. That's great.
- 976. I mean, she was seein'
the "O" face, for sure!
- 977. Oh! Oh! Oh!
- 978. - Sss. Ooh.
- Ooh! Ooh!
- 979. Ifyou could go ahead and just move
a little bit to the lef- That's it.
- 980. Great.
- 981. Peter! What's happening?
- 982. Um, could you get me
those T.P.S. reports ASAP? Mm-kay?
- 983. - Joanna.
- 984. We need to talk.
- 985. Do you know what this is about?
- 986. My, uh, flair?
- 987. Yeah.
- 988. Or, uh, your lack of flair.
- 989. Because, uh, I'm counting
and I only see 15 pieces.
- 990. Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
- 991. What do you think of a person...
- 992. who only does the bare minimum?
- 993. Huh. What do I thi—
Uh, you know what, Stan?
- 994. Ifyou want me to wear 37 pieces of flair...
- 995. like your pretty boy
over there, Brian...
- 996. why don't you just make the minimum
37 pieces of flair?
- 997. Well, I thought I remembered you saying
that you wanted to express yourself.
- 998. Yeah. You know what?
Yeah, I do.
- 999. I do wanna express myself. Okay?
And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
- 1000. All right?
- 1001. There's my flair. Okay?
- 1002. And this is me expressing myself.
- 1003. Okay?
- 1004. There it is.
- 1005. I hate this job. I hate this goddamn job,
and I don't need it!
- 1006. Oh, shit.
- 1007. - Shit! Shit!
- Oh, shit.
- 1008. Son of a bitch! Shit!
- 1009. - This is a— Fuck! I— I—
- Son of a bitch!
- 1010. - Shit!
- What happened?
- 1011. - You tell me, Michael! It's your software!
- Yes! It's your software!
- 1012. Corporate Accounting is sure as hell
gonna notice $305,3—
- 1013. 26.13, Michael!
- 1014. Oh, shit!
- 1015. They probably won't know it's gone
for another three or four days.
- 1016. Michael, you said the thing
was gonna take two years!
- 1017. What happened? You said the thing
was supposed to work!
- 1018. - Technically, it did work.
- No, it didn't!
- 1019. It did not work, Michael! Okay?
- 1020. Okay, okay!
- 1021. I must've put a decimal point
in the wrong place or something.
- 1022. Shit, I always do that. I always mess up
some mundane detail.
- 1023. Oh! Well, this is not
a mundane detail, Michael!
- 1024. Hey, quit getting pissed
at me, all right?
- 1025. This was all your idea, asshole.
- 1026. All right. Okay.
Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.
- 1027. Let's just try to figure this thing out together.
- 1028. The first thing we gotta do is close that account
before it gets any bigger.
- 1029. Doesn't that look terrific.
- 1030. Mmm!
- 1031. Here, Peg. You wanna get
everybody started there?
- 1032. Mmm!
Oh, that is terrific.
- 1033. - Just terrific. Thanks, everybody.
- Thank you.
- 1034. Really. I really, really appreciate it.
It's very special.
- 1035. Now, Milton!
Don't be greedy!
- 1036. Let's pass it along and make sure
everyone gets a piece.
- 1037. 'Kay, but last time I didn't receive a piece,
and I was told that—
- 1038. - Just pass.
- 1039. But this— this—
If- There— There—
- 1040. I just— See, the cake—
- 1041. There's lots of cake,
- 1042. The ratio of people to cake is—
- 1043. All I want
is a piece of cake—
- 1044. I think there's—
there's a piece of-
- 1045. I could set the building on fire.
- 1046. I-Is there some way
to just give the money back?
- 1047. What, do you mean just hand them a check
for the exact amount they're missing?
- 1048. I think they'd figure that out.
- 1049. Well, we have to do something.
- 1050. Maybe we could launder the money.
- 1051. That's a great idea.
- 1052. - Okay, how do we do that?
- I don't— I don't know.
- 1053. I don't even know what it means.
I was hoping you knew.
- 1054. - I think coke dealers do it.
- All right, do we know any coke dealers?
- 1055. M-My cousin's a cokehead.
- 1056. Fuck.
We're in deep shit.
- 1057. Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.
- 1058. Milton.
- 1059. - Yes?
- What's happening?
- 1060. - I wanted to see you—
- Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?
- 1061. Wh— No.
- 1062. Since you're down here, it would be
really great ifyou could just sort of...
- 1063. take care of the cockroach problem
we've been having in here.
- 1064. No, that's really not myjob, and I—
I haven't received my paycheck—
- 1065. So, for now why don't you
get yourself a flashlight...
- 1066. and a can of pesticide
and crawl back—
- 1067. Bill? We need you
upstairs right away.
- 1068. We got a big problem. Big.
- 1069. Some major glitch in Accounting.
- 1070. - A lot of money missing.
- 1071. We've got an investigator here.
- 1072. - Excuse me?
- 1073. - Excuse me!
- 1074. Well... okay, but...
that's the last straw.
- 1075. Here we go.
Here we go.
- 1076. Uh, "launder."
- 1077. "To clean—" No. "Wash."
- 1078. Here it is:
"To conceal the source of money...
- 1079. as by channeling it
through an intermediary."
- 1080. "To conceal
a source of money—"
- 1081. That doesn't really
help us, Michael.
- 1082. I can't believe what nerds we are...
- 1083. looking up money laundering
in a dictionary.
- 1084. Yeah, well...
- 1085. you guys can both eat my ass, okay?
- 1086. I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
That's what I can't believe.
- 1087. - You didn't know that?
- Yeah. You didn't know that?
- 1088. A couple ofyears ago,
before he moved to Atlanta.
- 1089. You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy?
The young guy?
- 1090. Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill?
- 1091. Fuckin'— Their children
would have hooves.
- 1092. - Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
- 1093. Who's that?
- 1094. All right, nobody panic.
- 1095. Good evening. My name is Steve.
I come from a rough area.
- 1096. I used to be addicted to crack,
but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.
- 1097. - Okay.
- That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
- 1098. - No.
- W-W-Wait a minute.
- 1099. You used to be addicted to crack?
- 1100. Yeah, b—
- 1101. Um, w—
- 1102. Look, I'm very sorry.
- 1103. I do not know anything
about any money laundering.
- 1104. No, we're not asking you
about money laundering.
- 1105. - We need you to hook us up with—
- Michael, he doesn't know anybody.
- 1106. No, wait— wait a minute. Look.
- 1107. You just give us the name of one drug dealer.
I could talk to him.
- 1108. - I have good networking skill—
- I lied.
- 1109. All that stuff I said about being a crackhead
just helps me sell magazines.
- 1110. I'm actually an unemployed
- 1111. - You're a software engineer?
- 1112. Things, uh, must be
very rough for you.
- 1113. Actually, man, I make more money
selling magazine subscriptions...
- 1114. than I ever did at Initrode.
- 1115. At Initrode?
- 1116. Wait a minute. You're not gonna tell
anybody about this stuffwe told you.
- 1117. I mean, we know a lot
of the same people. That's—
- 1118. Actually, um, that all depends.
- 1119. Wh—
- 1120. What am I gonna do
with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
- 1121. We never should have done this.
What were we thinking?
- 1122. You know what I can't figure out?
- 1123. How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal
mafia guys can be so good at crime...
- 1124. and smart guys like us
can suck so badly at it?
- 1125. We're new to it, though.
- 1126. Ifwe had more experience—
- 1127. No, you know what I think?
I think we're screwed.
- 1128. There's enough evidence all over
that building to link us to this.
- 1129. Even ifwe could launder money, I wouldn't
want to. What we've done is bad enough.
- 1130. We get caught laundering money,
we're not going to white-collar resort prison.
- 1131. No, no, no, we're going to
federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
- 1132. I-I-I don't want to go
to any prison!
- 1133. Why the hell did I do this?
- 1134. I've never done anything wrong
in my whole life.
- 1135. We weren't thinking clearly because you told us
we were losing ourjobs.
- 1136. And now we're worried
about going in a prison.
- 1137. Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.
- 1138. - I'm going home.
- Me too.
- 1139. You are a very bad person, Peter.
- 1140. Lawrence, you awake?
- 1141. Yeah.
- 1142. You wanna come over?
- 1143. No, thanks, man.
I don't want you fuckin' up my life too.
- 1144. Goddamn.
- 1145. And in light of the senselessness
of these heinous crimes...
- 1146. that you have committed
- 1147. I hereby sentence you,
- 1148. and Samir Naan—
- 1149. Nanadajibad...
- 1150. to a term of no less
than four years...
- 1151. in a federal
- 1152. Peter Gibbons...
- 1153. you've led a trite
and meaningless life.
- 1154. And you're a very bad person.
- 1155. Hey.
- 1156. You're not working
at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?
- 1157. No. No, I got fired.
- 1158. What happened?
- 1159. I flipped off my boss...
- 1160. some customers—
- 1161. Actually, a line cook, but he just happened
to be standing there, so—
- 1162. I might be going away for a while...
- 1163. uh, to jail.
- 1164. You were right about that computer scam.
That was a bad idea.
- 1165. I'm gonna take the blame for it,
- 1166. I'm on my way now to return the money
and leave a confession...
- 1167. under Lumbergh's door.
- 1168. Joanna, I want to apologize.
- 1169. I had no right to get pissed off at you about
Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem.
- 1170. Wasn't even the right Lumbergh.
- 1171. I don't know why I can't
just go to work and be happy...
- 1172. like I'm supposed to,
like everybody else.
- 1173. Peter, most people
don't like theirjobs.
- 1174. But you go out there and you find
something that makes you happy.
- 1175. Yeah, well...
- 1176. I may never be happy at myjob...
- 1177. but I think that
if I could be with you...
- 1178. that I could be happy with my life.
- 1179. I've been a real asshole.
- 1180. But ifyou could give it
another shot, I promise—
- 1181. Okay, shut up.
- 1182. Whoa! Hey!
What's going on here?
- 1183. Get a room, you two!
- 1184. Nyah-nyah-nyah!
- 1185. I hate that guy.
- 1186. Then Mr. Lumbergh
told me to talk to Payroll...
- 1187. and then Payroll told me
to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
- 1188. I still haven't received my paycheck,
and he took my stapler.
- 1189. He never brought it back.
- 1190. Then they moved by desk to storage room "B"
and there was garbage on it—
- 1191. Why don't you go back down
and sit at your desk.
- 1192. - Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
- I want to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
- 1193. Just go sit at your desk. Okay?
- 1194. Okay, but I— I—
I'm gonna just—
- 1195. I'm telling you right now,
my desk is located in the basement.
- 1196. I'm sure you know where it is.
- 1197. I'm just gonna have to
take my stapler back.
- 1198. Because it's my stapler, and I told Mr.—
It's my— It's—
- 1199. It's my stapler.
It's a Swingline.
- 1200. I've been using it for a long time.
- 1201. It doesn't bind up—
- 1202. Lawrence. You in there?
- 1203. Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.
- 1204. Hey.
- 1205. - So, I might be going away for a while.
- Yeah, I know, man.
- 1206. It's a bummer, dude.
What can I say?
- 1207. Yeah. Uh—
- 1208. Well, time to go face the music.
- 1209. You take care ofyourself
if I don't see you. All right?
- 1210. - You too, man. Take 'er easy, bud.
- All right.
- 1211. All right.
- 1212. - Hey, Peter.
- 1213. Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
- 1214. Okay, Lawrence.
- 1215. Stay clear, now! Stay clear!
- 1216. Holy shit!
- 1217. Excuse me.
- 1218. And, uh— I mean, can I—
I was here first. I have to—
- 1219. Oh, gosh.
- 1220. Wait a minute.
Let me take a look at that.
- 1221. You don't want that, Peter, man.
That's toasted, man.
- 1222. I think I know someone
who might want this.
- 1223. Hey, man!
- 1224. Wanna go to lunch?
- 1225. Brought mine in a pail.
- 1226. Plus, Joanna's supposed
to come by a little later.
- 1227. So, how do you like your newjob?
- 1228. Not too bad.
Not too bad.
- 1229. How's, uh, Penetrode?
- 1230. - Intertrode.
- 1231. - They're all right.
- It's work.
- 1232. Yeah. Yeah.
- 1233. Probably get you a job there
- 1234. No, thanks. I, uh—
I'm doing good here.
- 1235. So, uh...
- 1236. we're gonna be okay, right?
- 1237. Yeah.
- 1238. I think the fire pretty much
took care of everything.
- 1239. I wonder ifthe money burned up.
- 1240. It would be a shame.
- 1241. - Yeah.
- So you're sure you don't want us to get you a job?
- 1242. That's one thing
I'm definitely sure of.
- 1243. - Okay.
- All right, chief.
- 1244. - You guys take care. All right?
- All right.
- 1245. Stay in touch, man.
- 1246. Okay. Will do.
- 1247. This isn't so bad, huh?
- 1248. Making bucks, getting exercise...
- 1249. working outside.
- 1250. Fuckin'-A.
- 1251. Excuse me.
Excuse me, señor.
- 1252. May I speak to you, please?
- 1253. I asked for a mai tai,
and they brought me a piña colada.
- 1254. And I said no salt— no salt for the margarita,
but it had salt on it.
- 1255. - Lo siento mucho, senor.
- Big grains of salt—
- 1256. Ifthis happens again,
I won't be leaving a tip.
- 1257. 'Cause I could—
I could shut this whole resort down.
- 1258. Sir?
- 1259. I could take my traveler's checks
to a competing resort.
- 1260. I could write a letter
to your board oftourism...
- 1261. and I could have
this place condemned.
- 1262. I could put— I could put strychnine
in the guacamole.
- 1263. There was salt on the glass.
Big grains of salt.
- 1264. Give her a ride on
the old bone roller coaster.
- 1265. - Aaaah!
- 1266. Yeah.
- 1267. Hey, don't come back
in a dress, man!
- 1268. You big fag!
- 1269. I'm working at Hooters now,
and it's very cool.