1. Wow, you're all right, okay?
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2. Thanks for coming out.
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3. The great San Francisco,
greatest city, and, uh...
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4. The amazing, uh, Fillmore,
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5. and, uh, you know, it's unbelievable...
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6. It's good to be alive,
you know what I mean?
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7. Isn't it? That's what I say.
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8. That's what I like.
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9. That—I find that
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10. to be the goodest thing there is,
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11. to be alive.
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12. And, uh, the reason it's so good
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13. is because it's so bad to be dead.
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14. It's not like life's so
fucking great, but...
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15. Compared to being smothered in earth.
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16. So I'm just— every day, I'm happy now.
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17. That's my goal in life is not to die.
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18. Everybody need a goal.
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19. And so that's my New Year's
resolution every year.
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20. I go, "I'm not gonna die."
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21. I think, actually, scientists
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22. should kind of look into
that whole death thing,
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23. because, uh,
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24. they seem to focus on diseases,
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25. and, uh, you know,
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26. I don't give a fuck about them,
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27. 'cause, you know, the guy'll go,
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28. "Hey, you got, uh...
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29. "We fixed your, uh, arthritis."
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30. And then you go, "I'm still gonna die?"
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31. They go, "Yeah."
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32. So that, I think, is the biggest problem.
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33. That's why I can't get behind
politicians, you know,
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34. 'cause they're always like,
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35. "Our biggest problem
today is unemployment."
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36. And I'm like, "What about getting old
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37. and sick and dying?"
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38. Then they Usher me out the
back way, you know, but...
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39. Seriously, if there was a
politician ever that said,
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40. "By my second term, there
will be no death."
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41. I'd go, "I'm voting for that fucker."
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42. I'd just give that guy all my money,
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43. and I'd sit on a chair.
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44. Sometimes, I actually think I won't die.
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45. You ever think that?
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46. You go, "Fuck it, I'm not dying."
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47. But in your mind, when,
you know, you analy—
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48. you realize, you know, like—
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49. like, you know, my dad died
and my grandfather died
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50. and my great-grandfather died, you know.
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51. And the guy before him, I don't know.
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52. Probably died.
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53. I think he died.
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54. 'Cause, otherwise, he'd be on, uh, Extra.
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55. No, I...
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56. I come from a long line of death.
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57. That's my point.
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58. That's my point.
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59. And so I fear it, you know.
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60. I fear it a lot.
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61. And I think most of us do, you know,
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62. but it's funny, like, how—
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63. like, what we fear, how we're gonna die.
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64. It's always the ways we don't
die, you know what I mean.
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65. Like we go, "God damn,
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66. I hope a polar bear doesn't eat me,"
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67. or some crazy shit, you know.
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68. Or I hope a airplane.
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69. You know, I got on a airplane today.
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70. Every time you get on an airplane, you go,
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71. "I hope I don't die."
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72. But you never die on an airplane.
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73. Ridiculous.
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74. Or you go, "I hope a terrorist
does not attack and kill me.
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75. I hope that doesn't happen."
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76. You know, you're always afraid of that,
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77. but you think about it, what's the odds
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78. that a terrorist will attack and kill you?
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79. You know, almost zero, you know?
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80. But what are the odds that you
will be attacked and killed
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81. by your own heart?
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82. It's probably 100%, you know, I think.
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83. Heart's not good.
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84. People think it is, but it isn't.
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85. People like hearts.
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86. They go, "Here's a Valentine's—a heart."
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87. You go, oh.
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88. They go, "That guy's got a big heart."
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89. I go, "He better fuckin' watch it then,
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90. "'cause...
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91. "Gonna attack and kill him.
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92. I don't know if he knows that."
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93. That's what got my dad.
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94. His heart attacked and killed him
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95. when he was lying on his bed,
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96. and, boom, dead on the floor.
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97. You know, they said it was instantly.
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98. And my dad, he wasn't expecting it.
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99. He was looking for fuckin' Arabs and shit,
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100. and his heart attacked and killed him.
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101. And he was dead, like, instantaneously.
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102. And, uh, sad.
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103. We were all sad.
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104. When something like that happens,
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105. people just try and make you feel better.
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106. They'll say anything, you know.
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107. One guy said to me, "Don't worry, norm,
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108. "he died in his sleep.
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109. He didn't feel a thing."
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110. And I was like, "Really?
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111. "When his heart attacked and killed him,
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112. he didn't—"
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113. 'cause I wake up, like, if my
cat walks across my belly.
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114. You know that.
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115. I don't know if my dad was
that sound a sleeper.
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116. One guy said, "He's in a better place."
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117. I said, "He's on the floor...
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118. "Dead.
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119. "Earlier, he was alive on the bed.
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120. "Now, with that tempur-pedic pillow
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121. "I bought him for Christmas, I'm...
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122. "I'm no physician,
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123. "but I think that's the
better place over there.
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124. On the, uh... On the bed."
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125. Your only chance if you have a heart attack
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126. is if they get there early enough,
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127. they have these things
called defibrillators,
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128. and what they do is,
they attack your heart.
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129. 'Cause that's all the heart understands
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130. is violence, you know.
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131. And, uh, so they get there early,
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132. they go, "Aah!"
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133. Then your heart's like, "Aah! Wha—?
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134. I wasn't gonna kill him."
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135. "Uh, that's—that's funny
that you thought that.
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136. "I was—I was just worried
he was eating, uh,
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137. too much eggs and shit."
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138. You can actually get defibrillators.
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139. Like, I urge you to get them, you know.
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140. 'Cause you can get 'em—
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141. I order 'em— you get 'em,
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142. and then you can teach your loved ones
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143. how to use them on you.
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144. And they even show how you
use them on yourself,
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145. and, uh, so I sent away for 'em,
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146. and I'm getting 'em, and, uh...
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147. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
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148. As soon as I get the box,
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149. I am going to preemptively attack my heart.
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150. Like, before it does anything,
I'll just be like, "Aah!"
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151. My heart's like, "I didn't do anything!"
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152. You go, "Fucking right, son,
and you're not going to.
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153. "On account of I'm carrying
around these fuckers with me
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154. "wherever I go, so...
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155. "I think I'll go on a
roller coaster now and...
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156. Eat a egg."
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157. But that's all that'll
get you—a heart attack
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158. or a cancer.
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159. That's the other thing, you know.
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160. My uncle Burt, he's my great-uncle,
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161. but we call him uncle Burt.
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162. He got bowel cancer now.
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163. He's, uh... he's dying of it, you know.
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164. And, uh—
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165. or like, uh, some people like to say...
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166. Now they— see, in the old days,
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167. a man could just get
sick and die, you know?
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168. Now they have to wage a battle,
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169. so...
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170. So my uncle Burt is waging a—
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171. a courageous battle,
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172. which I have seen, 'cause
I go and visit him,
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173. and this is the battle.
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174. He's lying in a hospital bed
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175. with a thing in his arm,
watching matlock on the TV.
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176. The state of that battle, I—
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177. I got him the box set of Matlock, and...
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178. But it's not his fault.
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179. What the fuck is he supposed to do?
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180. Go, "I got you!"
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181. It's just a black thing in his bowel.
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182. And the reason I don't like it is
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183. 'cause in the old days, they'd go, "Hey!
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184. That old man died."
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185. Now they go, "Hey!
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186. He—he lost his battle."
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187. That's no way to end your life.
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188. You know, "What a loser that guy was.
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189. Last thing he did was lose."
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190. "He was waging a brave battle,
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191. "but at the end,
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192. "I guess he got kind of
cowardly was what happened.
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193. "And then, the bowel cancer, it got brave.
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194. "You gotta give it to the bowel cancer.
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195. You know, they were in
a battle, and then—"
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196. What the fuck?
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197. And I'm pretty sure— I'm not a doctor,
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198. but I'm pretty sure if the cancer dies—
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199. I mean, if you die, the cancer also dies
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200. at exactly the same time.
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201. So that, to me, is not a loss.
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202. That's a draw.
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203. That's a— you know what I mean?
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204. It's not like fucking
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205. the cancer's gonna jump up and go,
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206. "Aah, I'm fucking uncle Burt's wife.
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207. "Where is he?
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208. "I won fair and square.
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209. "Is this where he works?
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210. "Hi. Name's cancer. Where do I—
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211. "you just show me to my cubicle.
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212. Bowel. First name's bowel."
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213. No, man, I wouldn't have no brave battle
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214. when I'm fuckin' dyin', I'll tell you this,
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215. 'cause I'm not brave.
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216. So when the fuckin' sickle of death
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217. is over my goddamn neck,
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218. I'm gonna be so cowardly.
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219. I'm—you know, I'm afraid
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220. of going on Ferris Wheels and shit.
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221. You know?
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222. I'm not gonna be brave.
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223. I don't care how old I am.
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224. I could be 94.
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225. I'll be like, "Ooh, please, oh!
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226. Take my grandson."
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227. "Oh, he's young and fresh.
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228. "I'd gladly make a deal with the Devil
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229. "if there's any—
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230. "I've read that in literature.
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231. Oh, anything, please."
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232. Now, listen, man, I like the news.
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233. You guys like the news?
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234. I always watch the news.
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235. And I'll tell you something about the news.
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236. I don't understand it.
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237. But for some reason, I watch it.
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238. I don't even know why,
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239. but, uh, I think I'm
supposed to or something,
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240. so I'll watch it, and
then the guy'll come on,
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241. he'll go, "Anyways, today, the deficit..."
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242. And I'll go, "Ah ha ha,
I've heard that word."
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243. And the guy goes,
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244. "Today, the Dow Jones/Nasdaq
composite index is, uh, down,"
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245. and then I go, "Ah, that's not good."
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246. Down.
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247. Up. I like when it's up.
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248. That's my opinion on the...
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249. Seems like there's too much news,
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250. like, you know, 'cause
now they 24-hour news.
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251. Now, when I was a young boy,
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252. the news was half a hour.
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253. That was the whole news, you know,
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254. and a guy would come on,
and he'd have a tie,
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255. you know, and shit, and
he would say the news,
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256. and it was a half a hour long.
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257. Now it's 24 hours long.
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258. Now, it turns out that back in the old days
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259. when it was only half a hour,
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260. they had it about right.
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261. That's about all the news there is.
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262. Even then, there would
always be, like, a story—
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263. some fucking story at the end
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264. about a caribou or some horseshit,
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265. so there wasn't even enough
to fill the half a hour.
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266. But 24 hours, way too long.
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267. So they have to keep repeating the stories
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268. all the time and everything,
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269. and, uh, you know, make
up stories, you know.
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270. They do that a lot, make up
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271. things that aren't really news stories,
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272. but they have to, you know,
fill the 24 hours, you know.
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273. And the one I notice
that they make up a lot,
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274. this is the latest one I've seen.
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275. I see this all the time on the news.
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276. The newsman will come on, he'll go...
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277. He'll go, "Good evening, everybody.
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278. This is the newsman."
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279. Whatever he says. He's not gonna say that.
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280. Then he goes, "Our top story tonight,
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281. a lady has vanished."
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282. That's the story.
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283. And then he goes, "Let's go outside,
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284. where there's another guy."
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285. So then they cut to outside.
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286. And then there's a guy outside,
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287. and he's like, "Hey, listen,
how's it going inside?
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288. "We're outside, and, uh,
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289. "we found out about this
lady that vanished.
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290. "Her name was Janice,
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291. "and they found her car here
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292. "in the taco bell parking lot,
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293. "and, uh, don't worry about the car.
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294. "It's fine, but, uh...
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295. "Can't find hide nor hair of the lady.
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296. Well, back to you."
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297. So then you're watching,
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298. you go, "Well, I don't give a fuck
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299. on account of I never knew
Janice in the first place."
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300. "Matter of fact, I'm kind
of happy it's Janice
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301. and not somebody I know."
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302. But then what they do is,
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303. they start telling you
about Janice, you know?
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304. And they go, "Hey, we got—
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305. we found out some cool
things about Janice."
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306. And you're like, "No, that's cool.
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307. I don't want to hear."
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308. They go, "No, no, you want to hear."
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309. They can't help themselves,
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310. so they go, "Let's go back to Bill.
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311. "He's, uh—he's, uh, still outside.
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312. And, uh, how's it going, Bill?"
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313. And Bill's like, "It's all right.
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314. "It's no inside, but it's cool.
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315. "And, uh...
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316. "Anyways, we found out about Janice.
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317. "Turns out she's a good lady,
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318. "and, uh, we found some friends of hers,
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319. and here they are."
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320. And then, sure enough, they show a lady
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321. and it says, "Friend of Janice."
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322. And, uh, she says,
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323. "I'll tell you something about Janice.
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324. "You want to hear about Janice?
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325. "Janice is the type of lady
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326. "that you could always turn to.
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327. "You know, you ever want
to turn to somebody?
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328. "Like, if you got a problem or something,
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329. and you know how you feel
like you want to turn?"
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330. "You ever do that?
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331. "Or maybe your neck just hurts
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332. "and you want to anyways.
The point of it is
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333. "that once you swiveled
your head over this way,
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334. "the person you'd most want to see
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335. in your eye line would be Janice."
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336. And then they have another friend of Janice
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337. that wasn't the first one, and she'll go,
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338. "I'll tell you Janice, oh, my God.
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339. "She was the type of lady
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340. "that she could walk into a room
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341. "and light up the whole room, you know?
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342. "She didn't have a fucking
light or nothin' like that.
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343. "She would just somehow,
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344. "through sheer tyranny of
will, she could somehow
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345. illuminate a room. I don't know how."
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346. And there'll be Janice's third friend lady
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347. that's not one of the earlier two,
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348. and then she goes,
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349. "I'll tell you about Janice.
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350. "Is that who you're
asking me about, Janice?
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351. "Janice was the type of lady
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352. "that you could be talking
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353. "to your best friend in the whole world,
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354. "and then Janice come in and you go,
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355. 'Fuck you, I'm talking to Janice.'"
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356. "'cause Janice is better than you.
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357. "'Come on, let's face it.
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358. She's better than all of us.'"
Copy !req
359. So anyways, then you're at home,
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360. and you start liking Janice,
you know what I mean?
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361. You start getting invested in her.
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362. You go, "God damn, that
Janice is a cool lady.
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363. "I would like to meet her one day.
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364. "That would be a lot of—
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365. Fuck, I forgot she vanished."
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366. "Ah, just my luck."
Copy !req
367. "They'll find her."
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368. Then you get hope.
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369. That's not good.
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370. I don't give a fuck what Obama says,
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371. hope is never good.
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372. Don't try it. Never works out.
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373. So you go...
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374. You go, "Oh, man, they'll find Janice.
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375. "They're putting pictures up
of her on telephone poles.
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376. "I think that worked once, and..."
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377. And then the news keeps showing you
Copy !req
378. more things about Janice, you know.
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379. And they'll show you,
like, home videos of her.
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380. You're like, "God damn, look at that.
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381. She's eating a pizza."
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382. "I like her hair like that."
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383. "They'll find her."
Copy !req
384. And then you become obsessed with Janice.
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385. It's all you can think of, you know?
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386. You're at work, fucking just can't wait
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387. to get home, agonizing
over Janice, you know,
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388. and thinking about her
eating pizza and shit.
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389. And then you go home,
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390. and your nights are just fevered dreams
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391. of, you know, Janice and
bangs and shit like that.
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392. And all you can do is
turn on the TV and hope,
Copy !req
393. and, you know... And
then one day, you know,
Copy !req
394. they go, "Hey, more news on Janice.
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395. Here's Bill. He still outside."
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396. And then Bill is, like, outside,
Copy !req
397. and he's like, "Here we are.
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398. "Uh, as you can see behind me,
Copy !req
399. "they are scouring the woods.
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400. They're still searching
for Janice," you know.
Copy !req
401. And then, you go, "Oh, fuck, not the woods.
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402. You know, that's not—"
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403. nothing good ever happens in the woods.
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404. I've seen enough of these
fucking stories to know
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405. that Janice ain't coming
bounding out of the woods
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406. any time soon, I'll tell you that.
Copy !req
407. She's like, "Hey! What's
going on, everybody?
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408. I—I was just taking a
stroll through the woods."
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409. "What are you taking my picture for?
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410. "I was just—
Copy !req
411. just decided to take a stroll
through the scraggly woods."
Copy !req
412. No, if they find you in the woods,
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413. they always find you in the same place.
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414. Every time, they will find you
Copy !req
415. in a, uh, shallow grave.
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416. I don't know why they don't just
look there in the first place.
Copy !req
417. That's— if I was the police chief,
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418. I'd go, "Listen, I want every shallow grave
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419. "in the vicinity checked out.
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420. "I want to clear up this case by Tuesday
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421. "on account of
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422. I'm running for d.A., or whatever."
Copy !req
423. But, uh...
Copy !req
424. Doesn't "shallow grave" seem a might rash?
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425. You know, if—
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426. like, these serial killers
are supposed to be so shrewd
Copy !req
427. and cunning and everything, you know.
Copy !req
428. At least according to the
TV movies I've seen.
Copy !req
429. And, uh, but then when it comes time
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430. for the grave,
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431. they get a little hasty, you know.
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432. "Here you go— three twigs and a leaf.
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433. "That ought to do it.
Copy !req
434. "That doesn't look like Janice anymore.
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435. "Don't recall Janice ever wearing
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436. "three leaves and a twig.
Copy !req
437. "Oh, well, guess I'll go home
Copy !req
438. and await the authorities now."
Copy !req
439. You gotta prepare these things, you know?
Copy !req
440. You gotta be a little smarter than that.
Copy !req
441. You know, what I would do,
Copy !req
442. and I would never, ever kill
a lady in cold blood...
Copy !req
443. I wouldn't!
Copy !req
444. I know I say that now. I don't really know.
Copy !req
445. I can't predict the future.
Copy !req
446. But I don't believe I...
Copy !req
447. I know there's no river long enough
Copy !req
448. doesn't contain a bend.
Copy !req
449. But I believe that, right now...
Copy !req
450. And it might just be vanity—
Copy !req
451. I don't think I would, uh,
Copy !req
452. I would kill a woman in cold blood.
Copy !req
453. But if I did, I would plan it
out very carefully, you know?
Copy !req
454. 'Cause there's a lot at stake.
Copy !req
455. You know, you think about it,
you probably, you know...
Copy !req
456. Probably lose your job. I
don't know what happens.
Copy !req
457. That's a blemish on the old C.V., you know?
Copy !req
458. Even in today's enlightened society,
Copy !req
459. there remains a stigma to
being a psycho-sexual sadist.
Copy !req
460. But, uh...
Copy !req
461. What I would do is I would, like,
Copy !req
462. I would look at the la—
I would select a lady,
Copy !req
463. and then I would follow her habits.
Copy !req
464. You understand what I'm saying?
Copy !req
465. Like, I would watch her
very carefully, you know?
Copy !req
466. And I'd go, "Hey! I notice that every day,
Copy !req
467. "she goes to that cheese sandwich shop,
Copy !req
468. "and then she comes out
with a little paper bag.
Copy !req
469. I'll bet you anything there's
cheese sandwiches in there."
Copy !req
470. You know?
Copy !req
471. So then I keep that in
my head, you understand.
Copy !req
472. Then I'd say, "Hey!
Copy !req
473. "I notice every Wednesday evening,
Copy !req
474. "she goes with her other lady friends,
Copy !req
475. "and they go down to the YWCA
Copy !req
476. and they play basketball with each other."
Copy !req
477. Which is fine nowadays. You know?
Copy !req
478. So what I would do is,
Copy !req
479. on Wednesday, I would go down to the YWCA:
Copy !req
480. And what would I be holding
Copy !req
481. in my right hand in the parking lot
Copy !req
482. but a cheese sandwich?
Copy !req
483. So then she would eventually
come out of the YWCA:
Copy !req
484. you know, all sweaty
with her, uh, you know,
Copy !req
485. her ridiculous, three-colored
ball and everything there.
Copy !req
486. You know, and... I'd be standing there.
Copy !req
487. And then she'd go, "Hey,
what's in your right hand?"
Copy !req
488. And I'd go, "Nothin'."
I'd be coy, you know.
Copy !req
489. And she'd go...
Copy !req
490. She'd go, "There's something
in your right hand."
Copy !req
491. I'd go, "Listen, lady...
Copy !req
492. "Who knows more about
what's in their right hand,
Copy !req
493. "you or me? I believe—
Copy !req
494. "Oh, this!
Copy !req
495. "No, this is just a cheese sandwich.
Copy !req
496. "Why, you like 'em or something? What's...
Copy !req
497. "I got a whole fucking van
full of 'em over there.
Copy !req
498. "Right over there.
Copy !req
499. "Yeah. Yeah, that
craziest-lookin' fucking van
Copy !req
500. "you ever saw...
Copy !req
501. That's filled with cheese sandwiches."
Copy !req
502. You don't have to have cheese sandwiches
Copy !req
503. in the Van, by the way, if you're...
Copy !req
504. You know.
Copy !req
505. Unless you want to be known
for your detailed work,
Copy !req
506. it's not...
Copy !req
507. It's not really necessary.
Copy !req
508. Then I would get the lady in the van,
Copy !req
509. and I would drive her to a remote area,
Copy !req
510. an area...
Copy !req
511. Most known for its remoteness.
Copy !req
512. That's what I would look for.
Copy !req
513. And anyways, I'd take
her to the remote area,
Copy !req
514. where I'd constructed a shed,
Copy !req
515. and then I would get her in there,
Copy !req
516. and I would do that thing
that makes me feel like god.
Copy !req
517. And, uh...
Copy !req
518. And then her screams would
just bounce off the walls
Copy !req
519. and echo out into nowhere and never...
Copy !req
520. Touch the ear of civilized man again.
Copy !req
521. And then I would take
her body to the woods,
Copy !req
522. and bury her in a very,
very, very deep grave.
Copy !req
523. That's...
Copy !req
524. That would be most of my preparation.
Copy !req
525. I would start digging the grave
Copy !req
526. before I chose the victim.
Copy !req
527. Couple of years before,
Copy !req
528. I'd be out digging a grave.
Copy !req
529. But, no, listen...
Copy !req
530. Enough of this grimness.
Copy !req
531. Although my buddy— I did
want to say one thing
Copy !req
532. about my buddy Richie, who has a disease.
Copy !req
533. And, uh, but it's—
Copy !req
534. it's an interesting disease he has.
Copy !req
535. He has the disease of alcoholism.
Copy !req
536. Alcoholism.
Copy !req
537. And, uh, he came to me, you know,
Copy !req
538. and he told me, and, uh, I like to look—
Copy !req
539. I'm the kind of guy that likes to look
Copy !req
540. at the bright side of things, you know?
Copy !req
541. So I told him, I said, "Richie, it's true
Copy !req
542. "that you have a disease and everything.
Copy !req
543. But... I think you got the best one."
Copy !req
544. It's the only disease where you
Copy !req
545. get to drink booze all the time.
Copy !req
546. I—I haven't looked at
every medical journal,
Copy !req
547. but I believe...
Copy !req
548. It's the only disease where you
can constantly drink booze.
Copy !req
549. As a matter of fact, that is the disease.
Copy !req
550. You know, and I don't think Richie
Copy !req
551. would think if he had a—
Copy !req
552. like, I don't think Richie
would go to my uncle Burt
Copy !req
553. and go, "Hey, I understand
you got bowel cancer.
Copy !req
554. "Yeah, man, I know how you feel.
Copy !req
555. "I gotta... Drink a lot of booze.
Copy !req
556. "Those diseases...
Copy !req
557. "They're tough, those
diseases, huh, uncle Burt?
Copy !req
558. Hey, what's your symptoms, uncle Burt?"
Copy !req
559. "Well, my bowel, I got blood
pouring out of it all the time.
Copy !req
560. "I got bowel blood pourin'
out, gushin' out of my bowel,
Copy !req
561. "almost nonstop.
Copy !req
562. "And, uh, I got searing, clawing pains,
Copy !req
563. "ripping, tearing, you know.
Copy !req
564. "Uh... mind-screeching... Bowel pains.
Copy !req
565. "And, uh, they're combined
with aching, dull,
Copy !req
566. soul-deadening bowel pain."
Copy !req
567. "Those are basically my symptoms.
How about you?"
Copy !req
568. "I get happy."
Copy !req
569. "And, uh, you know.
Copy !req
570. "I tend to be able to talk
to people easier, I find."
Copy !req
571. "Sometimes, I will meet a lady at a bar,
Copy !req
572. "got the same disease as I do,
Copy !req
573. "and I'll fuck her.
Copy !req
574. "But, uh...
Copy !req
575. "That's in the latter
stages of the disease,
Copy !req
576. "uncle Burt. You ought to realize that.
Copy !req
577. You know what I mean, uncle Burt?"
Copy !req
578. But, uh... No, but, listen, man,
Copy !req
579. I don't minimize what he does, though,
Copy !req
580. 'cause he's... He, you know,
Copy !req
581. he admits that he's a alcoholic
Copy !req
582. and that he's weaker than a bottle,
Copy !req
583. and that ain't easy to do.
Copy !req
584. I couldn't do any of that shit.
Copy !req
585. I'm too proud, you know what I mean.
Copy !req
586. I got too much pride, you know.
Copy !req
587. Like they say in the scriptures,
Copy !req
588. "pride goeth before the fall," you know.
Copy !req
589. And he can somehow...
Copy !req
590. You know, it's a very
beautiful thing he does.
Copy !req
591. He goes to alcoholics anonymous,
Copy !req
592. and he says, right in
front of them, he says—
Copy !req
593. you know, he goes in front of
a whole room full of people,
Copy !req
594. and he says, "I am a alcoholic," you know?
Copy !req
595. Which I know does not sound that anonymous.
Copy !req
596. But...
Copy !req
597. I didn't name the group, but...
Copy !req
598. Sounds like the exact
opposite of anonymous.
Copy !req
599. Whatever.
Copy !req
600. Like, to me, the alcoholics that—
Copy !req
601. you know, the anonymous alcoholics to me
Copy !req
602. would be like you guys. I
don't fucking know, I...
Copy !req
603. I can't tell. You know?
Copy !req
604. But once you tell a whole
church basement full of people,
Copy !req
605. your cover's pretty well blown.
Copy !req
606. But, uh...
Copy !req
607. Anyways, it still requires a lot of...
Copy !req
608. The only thing they seem
to be anonymous about,
Copy !req
609. from the way I can gather it,
Copy !req
610. is they won't tell you their last names.
Copy !req
611. Anything else goes, you know?
Copy !req
612. But, uh, not the last name. Oh, no.
Copy !req
613. Sometimes, they'll say the first—
Copy !req
614. like they'll go, "I am Richie,
and I am a alcoholic."
Copy !req
615. Or the first initial.
Copy !req
616. They'll say, "Hi, my name is Richie K.,
Copy !req
617. and I am a alcoholic."
Copy !req
618. Then anything goes.
Copy !req
619. They're like, "Ah ha ha, one time I, uh,
Copy !req
620. "I remember I was under the
influence of the demon rum,
Copy !req
621. "and, uh...
Copy !req
622. "By god I started punching
my newborn in the face.
Copy !req
623. "Ah ha, yeah, it was...
Copy !req
624. "Then I looked down at my fist,
Copy !req
625. "and it was all bloody with, uh...
Copy !req
626. "I don't know what it was.
Copy !req
627. "It was either from my knuckles
Copy !req
628. "or my son's skull.
Copy !req
629. "Yeah.
Copy !req
630. "I'm not telling you my last name.
Copy !req
631. "That's...
Copy !req
632. "That's none of your beeswax.
Copy !req
633. "As far as I'm concerned,
Copy !req
634. "a man should have a little, you know...
Copy !req
635. "Did I ever tell you about the time
Copy !req
636. "I blew a dog for a pint of gin?
Copy !req
637. "I ever tell you that story?
Copy !req
638. Oh, yeah, I told— I did
tell you that one?"
Copy !req
639. "First initial's 'K,'
I'll give you that much.
Copy !req
640. "Richie K., but I'm not gonna
tell you the last letters.
Copy !req
641. "Plus, you can memorize my face.
Copy !req
642. "But other than that...
Copy !req
643. "I would like to keep this
completely anonymous.
Copy !req
644. If there was just a way I could..."
Copy !req
645. And what better way to keep a secret,
Copy !req
646. when you think about it,
Copy !req
647. than tell a room full of drunks?
Copy !req
648. That's not going anyplace, you know.
Copy !req
649. Soon as the guy has a relapse,
Copy !req
650. "Hey, Richie blew a dog for a pint of gin.
Copy !req
651. He told a whole bunch of us."
Copy !req
652. All right.
Copy !req
653. I mean, I understand, the dog had some gin.
Copy !req
654. What are you gonna do?
Copy !req
655. "Oh, yeah, Richie K. You know Richie K.?"
Copy !req
656. But I don't drink myself, you know.
Copy !req
657. It's not 'cause I'm no
big— I'm just afraid.
Copy !req
658. You know, I fear everything, you know.
Copy !req
659. And, uh, so I'm afraid to and stuff.
Copy !req
660. But, um... I used to.
Copy !req
661. Now I don't drink,
Copy !req
662. and when you're with people that drink,
Copy !req
663. it doesn't work out.
Copy !req
664. That's why that designated driver thing
Copy !req
665. I don't think ever worked out.
Copy !req
666. I see ads for it again,
Copy !req
667. like, you know, trying
to resurrect that idea,
Copy !req
668. but it's kind of a flawed notion, you know?
Copy !req
669. It's like, "Hey, Bill, listen,
Copy !req
670. "we were wondering if
you'd come out with us.
Copy !req
671. Here's the idea."
Copy !req
672. "We want to go out and drink,
Copy !req
673. "and then we were hoping you'd come with us
Copy !req
674. "and not drink.
Copy !req
675. "How's that sound to you?
Copy !req
676. "We're gonna go to a bunch
of different bars and drink,
Copy !req
677. "and then you'd come with us and not drink.
Copy !req
678. "Also, we're not gonna be driving.
Copy !req
679. "You're gonna pick us up
at our different houses,
Copy !req
680. "go to a bunch of bars,
Copy !req
681. "not drink while we drink,
Copy !req
682. "and then drive us all home.
Copy !req
683. "How's that sound to you? How's—
Copy !req
684. how's that catch you?"
Copy !req
685. Guy's like, "I don't
know, what's the catch?
Copy !req
686. It sounds too good."
Copy !req
687. "Is there some sort of..."
Copy !req
688. But I don't drink, and if you don't drink,
Copy !req
689. I'll tell you something,
bars are not a lot of fun,
Copy !req
690. because, you know, when you think about it,
Copy !req
691. fuckin' all— you know, all it is
Copy !req
692. is you're just sitting at a
big oak table for four hours.
Copy !req
693. It's not...
Copy !req
694. That's not fun unless you're drunk.
Copy !req
695. And then everybody else'll be drinking,
Copy !req
696. you know what I mean,
Copy !req
697. so their fun is going up
and up and up, you know.
Copy !req
698. It's rising. Their fun is escalating,
Copy !req
699. while your fun is staying exactly the same.
Copy !req
700. And then by the end of the night,
Copy !req
701. you don't even know what the
fuck they're laughing about.
Copy !req
702. Just everybody's laughing.
Copy !req
703. And then they start resenting you for it.
Copy !req
704. I've seen that, man.
Copy !req
705. Drunk people do not want
a not-drunk guy there.
Copy !req
706. I know that. I've been there so many times.
Copy !req
707. It always ends the same.
Copy !req
708. Guy comes up to you, goes,
Copy !req
709. "Hey, what's the matter with you?
Copy !req
710. "Cheer up.
Copy !req
711. Then you're like, "Oh, now
I'm having a good time, too.
Copy !req
712. "Don't take a wild swing at
me when I'm not looking.
Copy !req
713. "I'll be driving you home later.
Copy !req
714. This is a lot of fun."
Copy !req
715. Worst thing about not drinking is, uh,
Copy !req
716. is—is sex.
Copy !req
717. Because if you're drinking,
Copy !req
718. you can meet a girl, she'd be drunk,
Copy !req
719. and that very night you
can have sex with her,
Copy !req
720. called a one-night stand. Now...
Copy !req
721. If you're not drinking—
Copy !req
722. I don't know if you've
ever had a one-night stand
Copy !req
723. dead, clean sober...
Copy !req
724. But I have.
Copy !req
725. And it's not a lot of fun.
Copy !req
726. Get back to your apartment, you're like,
Copy !req
727. "All right, I guess I'll take my
trousers off now, ma'am, and...
Copy !req
728. "No, I won't. Sorry about that.
Copy !req
729. "Well, good-bye. It was nice to meet you.
Copy !req
730. "I don't know what I was thinking.
Copy !req
731. "We're human beings.
Copy !req
732. "Once again, I apologize
for the trousers incident.
Copy !req
733. Very nice to meet you."
Copy !req
734. Because booze somehow— I
don't know how it works.
Copy !req
735. But it's some magic elixir
Copy !req
736. where it takes away the—
Copy !req
737. it makes you think that sex is not a dirty,
Copy !req
738. filthy, shameful thing.
Copy !req
739. I don't know how it does
it, but it does it.
Copy !req
740. And, uh, in regular life,
Copy !req
741. that's why sex is so tough to get going,
Copy !req
742. because it's so shameful
and filthy, and, uh...
Copy !req
743. Obviously meant only for procreation.
Copy !req
744. So when you get— when you get—
Copy !req
745. when you do it, you know—
Copy !req
746. and my friend was like,
"Oh, there's nothing
Copy !req
747. shameful about sex."
Copy !req
748. But I was like, "Of course there is."
Copy !req
749. On account of I think about
what you do before sex,
Copy !req
750. you know what I mean? Like you—
Copy !req
751. you take the phone off the
hook and everything like that.
Copy !req
752. You make sure the kids
aren't around or whatever.
Copy !req
753. You know? You pull the blinds down, right?
Copy !req
754. What's that? That's shame.
Copy !req
755. That's what blinds were made for.
Copy !req
756. Pull down, shame.
Copy !req
757. You don't pull the blinds down
Copy !req
758. when you're making a nice cherry pie
Copy !req
759. for old widow Hamilton, huh?
Copy !req
760. I notice they stay up for that.
Copy !req
761. Poor old widow Hamilton.
Copy !req
762. Her osteoarthritis now has become so bad—
Copy !req
763. I don't know if you know
widow Hamilton, but, uh...
Copy !req
764. Really, her only joy in the later years
Copy !req
765. has become her pies, and, uh...
Copy !req
766. Her osteoarthritis has become so bad,
Copy !req
767. she can't knead anymore.
Copy !req
768. You know, you have to knead.
Copy !req
769. She's now lost her ability to knead.
Copy !req
770. Anyways...
Copy !req
771. No, I'm just saying, I don't
want to boast or anything,
Copy !req
772. but if it wasn't for me
Copy !req
773. and some of the other
members of the community,
Copy !req
774. I don't know if the old bird
would still be with us.
Copy !req
775. But that's not the point. The point is,
Copy !req
776. sex is a filthy, shameful thing.
Copy !req
777. And...
Copy !req
778. Like, all right, one time, I read this.
Copy !req
779. This is a thing I read,
uh, uh, by a scientist.
Copy !req
780. It was in one of those big
science books, you know?
Copy !req
781. Or else it was one line in USA Today.
Copy !req
782. I can't remember. But...
Copy !req
783. But it said this. It said,
Copy !req
784. "Scientists now say
Copy !req
785. that a man thinks about sex
once every 7.3 seconds."
Copy !req
786. Now...
Copy !req
787. Now, of course, that's horseshit.
Copy !req
788. Like, how could that possibly be, you know?
Copy !req
789. You couldn't walk down the street,
Copy !req
790. "Uh, cock, pussy, ass."
Copy !req
791. You know, you'd blow your fucking head off
Copy !req
792. by the second day.
Copy !req
793. And, also, I am a man.
Copy !req
794. I don't need no scientist
telling me nothin'.
Copy !req
795. I know what I think once every 7.3 seconds.
Copy !req
796. Plus, I don't like when they
use decimals like that.
Copy !req
797. You know, guy could have said
Copy !req
798. once every 10 or 15 seconds.
Copy !req
799. You know, he had to prove
he was a scientist.
Copy !req
800. But anyways,
Copy !req
801. I know what I think once every 7.3 seconds.
Copy !req
802. I'll just be walking down
the street, you know.
Copy !req
803. You just, you know, you're like,
Copy !req
804. "Doodley do. Hey, there's a building.
Copy !req
805. "Doo doo doo dee.
Copy !req
806. "Hey, look at that.
Copy !req
807. "Guy wearing cowboy boots over there.
Copy !req
808. "How 'bout that? Huh.
Copy !req
809. "Doodley doo. Wonder if I
should wear cowboy boots.
Copy !req
810. "Nah, I'm too old for that stuff.
Copy !req
811. "Oh, there's that building again.
Copy !req
812. "Doodley doo.
Copy !req
813. "Hey, my ass is itchy over here.
Copy !req
814. "I can't scratch my ass
out here in the street.
Copy !req
815. "Hey, Willie Nelson still
wears cowboy boots.
Copy !req
816. "Billy Joe Shaver, too.
Copy !req
817. Those fellas must be well
nigh threescore and ten."
Copy !req
818. Anyway, it's just a bunch
of meaningless gibberish.
Copy !req
819. That's my point.
Copy !req
820. But it's not sex.
Copy !req
821. And then, the real time—
Copy !req
822. this is the amount of time
that you think about sex.
Copy !req
823. Every once in a while.
Copy !req
824. Which is... Not a scien—
Copy !req
825. scientists don't like that term.
Copy !req
826. But every once in a while
you think about it,
Copy !req
827. and, uh, you know, like, I think about it
Copy !req
828. every couple days.
Copy !req
829. Or if you're a younger man,
Copy !req
830. you probably think about it more.
Copy !req
831. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
832. But then the problem becomes,
Copy !req
833. when you think about it,
Copy !req
834. it's all you can think about.
Copy !req
835. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
836. It just encompasses your whole brain.
Copy !req
837. You know, you're just like, "Aah!"
Copy !req
838. You're like a—
Copy !req
839. like a fucking werewolf
or something, like...
Copy !req
840. Usually, you're a civilized human being.
Copy !req
841. But then every couple days,
you're like, "Ah hah...
Copy !req
842. Ah hah."
Copy !req
843. And then you gotta close
the blinds, you know?
Copy !req
844. And then...
Copy !req
845. "Ahh, the bedroom. Gotta
go back to the bedroom.
Copy !req
846. Agh, take a lady back there. Agh."
Copy !req
847. And then you go to your bedroom,
Copy !req
848. which normally, I love the bedroom.
Copy !req
849. It's the most beautiful place
where you can, you know,
Copy !req
850. finally escape this hellish joke
we call a life, and just...
Copy !req
851. You know, lie on your tempur-pedic pillow
Copy !req
852. and, uh...
Copy !req
853. Dream of jelly rolls and stuff like that.
Copy !req
854. But not when you're in this
state, you know what I mean?
Copy !req
855. Then you go in, you're like, "Aaghh!"
Copy !req
856. And the things that you
do in that bedroom...
Copy !req
857. Good lord God, it's—
Copy !req
858. it's beyond the imagination
Copy !req
859. of you as a civilized human
being most of the time.
Copy !req
860. You know what I mean? You're
in there, you're like,
Copy !req
861. "Rahr ah hah!
Copy !req
862. Aghh!" your fucking mind's gone.
Copy !req
863. Your mind is gone. That's all I know.
Copy !req
864. You ever actually say
things that you're doing?
Copy !req
865. Your mind's fucking so gone, you're like,
Copy !req
866. "I am fucking you! Aaah!
Copy !req
867. My cock is going— ahh hah!"
Copy !req
868. And the lady's like,
"Yeah, I know, whatever."
Copy !req
869. "You don't have to say it."
Copy !req
870. Ladies don't have that "Aagh" thing.
Copy !req
871. They're— they're more elevated.
Copy !req
872. I don't know what they— I
can't speak for ladies.
Copy !req
873. I don't know what the fuck they do...
Copy !req
874. In the bedroom.
Copy !req
875. I think they just try and make a noise
Copy !req
876. they think you will like, you know?
Copy !req
877. That's about...
Copy !req
878. They're like, uh, "Whoo! How's that?"
Copy !req
879. You're like, "Yeah, that's fine. Aaagh!"
Copy !req
880. But... girls don't have the same thing.
Copy !req
881. You know how you can really know that,
Copy !req
882. is, you ever be having sex
with a lady, the phone rings?
Copy !req
883. Lady can answer the phone.
Copy !req
884. Whilst you're having sex.
Copy !req
885. She's like, "Ooh, yes, that's good.
Copy !req
886. Whatever that is. Ahh."
Copy !req
887. And then the phone rings.
She's like, "Hello?"
Copy !req
888. And you're like, "Aagh."
Copy !req
889. Just... she's like, "oh, hi, Marcie.
Copy !req
890. "What's going on?
Copy !req
891. "Well, you're not gonna get it back.
Copy !req
892. "Because it's Shirley.
Copy !req
893. "Well, don't— no, it's not you, honey.
Copy !req
894. "It's— you're too good, it's...
Copy !req
895. "Don't you remember the blouse?
Copy !req
896. "Look, sweetie, I'm on your side.
Copy !req
897. "I'll talk to you tomorrow.
We'll have a, uh,
Copy !req
898. "we'll go to lunch, have a, uh...
Copy !req
899. Endive salad." Whatever the fuck.
Copy !req
900. I don't know what ladies eat.
Copy !req
901. And then they can go back, you
know, and go, "Go ahead."
Copy !req
902. You know, and you're like, "Agh!"
Copy !req
903. But... the point is, a guy could never—
Copy !req
904. the guy would never answer the phone.
Copy !req
905. It would be impossible, you know?
Copy !req
906. You can be like, "Aah!" The ding-ding.
Copy !req
907. "Ahh! Hello? Ahh!
Copy !req
908. "Oh, yeah. Hey, frank, what's going on?
Copy !req
909. "Yeah, I remember that shirt.
What? I'm about to—
Copy !req
910. I gotta go! Aagh!"
Copy !req
911. You know.
Copy !req
912. Frank's clearly not getting
his shirt back, but...
Copy !req
913. You got no time for it, you know?
Copy !req
914. You got— your head's gone.
Copy !req
915. But I'll tell you when you
know sex is the most shameful,
Copy !req
916. when you feel it the most,
Copy !req
917. is a moment after sex...
Copy !req
918. The moment, the smallest
amount of time in physics,
Copy !req
919. the moment right after sex.
Copy !req
920. That's when you're just a
vessel of shame, you know?
Copy !req
921. It's like... you're just lying there like,
Copy !req
922. "Well, that was odd, huh?"
Copy !req
923. "I guess I'll go get some sour
cream and onion chips now if..."
Copy !req
924. "I'd prefer if we never
spoke of this again.
Copy !req
925. Would that be okay?"
Copy !req
926. That's why I never understood guys
Copy !req
927. that add more shame to it.
Copy !req
928. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
929. As if it's not shameful enough,
Copy !req
930. some people will pile on more
shame, you know what I mean?
Copy !req
931. Like you ever read about
those guys, like they'll...
Copy !req
932. Wear a rubber suit of some fucking thing.
Copy !req
933. And a lady'll whip their balls,
Copy !req
934. or I don't know what the fuck.
Copy !req
935. But... it all ends up the same, you know.
Copy !req
936. You're still like, "Heh heh heh."
Copy !req
937. But now you got a crazy getup on.
Copy !req
938. "All right, then.
Copy !req
939. "Why don't you go turn
on Matlock, and, uh...
Copy !req
940. "I'll take these rubber trousers off and...
Copy !req
941. Put those in the hamper."
Copy !req
942. So I'm very ashamed of sex and everything.
Copy !req
943. Some people are proud of it, though.
Copy !req
944. I have met guys that are
proud of their sexual,
Copy !req
945. like, prowess.
Copy !req
946. You ever hear that word? I read that once.
Copy !req
947. It's, uh, it means like,
how good they are at sex.
Copy !req
948. They'll pra— brag about it.
Copy !req
949. They'll go, "I'll tell
you, man, what I'm good at
Copy !req
950. is, you know, fuckin' and suckin'."
Copy !req
951. Seems like the oddest thing, you know.
Copy !req
952. 'Cause how hard is sex?
Copy !req
953. You know, it's one of the easiest things
Copy !req
954. that you could—
Copy !req
955. it's not like darts or something, you know.
Copy !req
956. Have you ever played darts?
It's like, "Ah, what?
Copy !req
957. "Triple? I can't—
Copy !req
958. I keep getting four."
Copy !req
959. I don't know, but...
Copy !req
960. Sex couldn't be simpler.
Copy !req
961. Hey, there's only like
five things you can do
Copy !req
962. in the whole fucking thing.
Copy !req
963. You know?
Copy !req
964. You ever think you invented a sixth?
Copy !req
965. You're like, "What about this? Aagh!"
Copy !req
966. Then later, you go, "Ah, in all humility,
Copy !req
967. I guess that was pretty
close to number five."
Copy !req
968. You know who's really—
Copy !req
969. you know who's really proud of their sex?
Copy !req
970. You ever hear guys with
small cocks talk about it?
Copy !req
971. Small cock guys. Them guys.
Copy !req
972. Holy lord. Can't talk about it enough.
Copy !req
973. They even got poems. You know, they'll say,
Copy !req
974. "Ah, it's not the motion of the ocean,
Copy !req
975. it's the boat of the lotion."
Copy !req
976. I don't know.
Copy !req
977. I don't know the—I don't
memorize the poems.
Copy !req
978. But...
Copy !req
979. I've even heard variants of the same poem.
Copy !req
980. It's like, "It's not the tree or the size,
Copy !req
981. it's the ax that you whacks."
Copy !req
982. I don't know.
Copy !req
983. But, uh, it's...
Copy !req
984. It's a little sub genre of poetry now
Copy !req
985. that's taught in many of
our finer institutions.
Copy !req
986. Turns out guys with small cocks,
Copy !req
987. nothing they like more
Copy !req
988. than just spoutin' free verse at home
Copy !req
989. about their...
Copy !req
990. And the...
Copy !req
991. The subtext of every one
of these beautiful poems
Copy !req
992. is, uh, it doesn't matter
how big your cock is,
Copy !req
993. it's what you do with it.
Copy !req
994. You know?
Copy !req
995. Like the guy with the giant
cock would have no clue.
Copy !req
996. You know, how would...
Copy !req
997. How would he possibly know?
Copy !req
998. It's like, "What do you do? You
put it in, and then you...
Copy !req
999. "I'm stumped. I don't know."
Copy !req
1000. "It's ironic—everyone wants my giant cock,
Copy !req
1001. "but...
Copy !req
1002. "I don't think I'll ever solve this...
Copy !req
1003. "Rubric. I don't know, I...
Copy !req
1004. "If only it was smaller and
easier to maneuver, I...
Copy !req
1005. "I can't— I can't figure it.
Copy !req
1006. I don't know."
Copy !req
1007. Oh, man.
Copy !req
1008. The fucking camera fucking
taking a picture of...
Copy !req
1009. What the fuck are you doing?
You just like that—
Copy !req
1010. that guy just clearly likes that lady.
Copy !req
1011. He's like a half an inch
away from her vagina
Copy !req
1012. with the camera.
Copy !req
1013. What is that?
Copy !req
1014. We got the TV here.
Copy !req
1015. The TV is with us.
Copy !req
1016. You guys are gonna be on the TV.
Copy !req
1017. Mostly, it's gonna be me talking,
Copy !req
1018. and then somehow, it'll cut to a shot
Copy !req
1019. of this lady's vagina.
Copy !req
1020. Don't quite understand.
Copy !req
1021. Has he given you his business card yet?
Copy !req
1022. No, listen, um...
Copy !req
1023. Hey, it's great to be
here in San Francisco.
Copy !req
1024. Uh, this is the first week
of, uh, the golf, you know,
Copy !req
1025. and Tiger is, uh, my favorite
golfer ever, you know.
Copy !req
1026. And, you know, he went to Stanford.
Copy !req
1027. If you guys don't know
that, which is awesome.
Copy !req
1028. And, uh, I'm hoping this is his year, man,
Copy !req
1029. 'cause I feel bad for the guy, you know.
Copy !req
1030. And, uh, god damn, it's too bad
that happened and everything.
Copy !req
1031. And, uh, you know, whatever.
Copy !req
1032. I just hope he does good,
that's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
1033. It was funny, at the time it happened,
Copy !req
1034. I—you know, you get so, like, naive
Copy !req
1035. about things, you know what I mean?
Copy !req
1036. Like I remember I was, like,
outraged and everything.
Copy !req
1037. I don't know what the fuck
I was thinking, you know?
Copy !req
1038. Like I don't know what I
thought his life was,
Copy !req
1039. but I remember at the time going, "What?
Copy !req
1040. "I don't believe you.
Copy !req
1041. "Are you telling me— you tell—
Copy !req
1042. "are you trying to tell me
Copy !req
1043. "that that guy is worth 6 Billion.
Copy !req
1044. "You're telling me
Copy !req
1045. "that the world's greatest
athlete over there,
Copy !req
1046. "Tiger Woods, you're telling me
Copy !req
1047. "that that guy,
Copy !req
1048. "that super handsome, charismatic dude
Copy !req
1049. "likes to lie down with ladies?
I don't buy it.
Copy !req
1050. "I...
Copy !req
1051. "Don't buy that for one second.
Copy !req
1052. Doesn't make any sense."
Copy !req
1053. And then when it turned out to be true,
Copy !req
1054. I was all, like, outraged
like an idiot, you know.
Copy !req
1055. I was like, "Ahh!
Copy !req
1056. "I don't like hypocrites.
Copy !req
1057. "I don't care for that. I—
Copy !req
1058. "he always presented himself in public
Copy !req
1059. as a golfer."
Copy !req
1060. "I would see him on TV.
Copy !req
1061. "He'd be hitting a golf ball and shit,
Copy !req
1062. "and the golf ball would get near the hole.
Copy !req
1063. "That's what I thought.
Copy !req
1064. "I didn't know he was leading
some kind of double life
Copy !req
1065. "where he was golfing by day
Copy !req
1066. "and laying down with ladies at the night.
Copy !req
1067. "If I'd known that,
Copy !req
1068. "I never would have
bought the fucking Buick
Copy !req
1069. "in the first place, you know.
Copy !req
1070. "Now I'm driving down
the street in my Buick,
Copy !req
1071. people snickering at me."
Copy !req
1072. I don't know.
Copy !req
1073. I don't know what I thought his life was.
Copy !req
1074. I try to remember back, you know?
Copy !req
1075. 'Cause when you look at it,
Copy !req
1076. of course, it makes
complete sense, you know.
Copy !req
1077. What do you think, he's like,
Copy !req
1078. "Hey, I'm Tiger Woods.
Copy !req
1079. "I just won the Tiger slam last—
Copy !req
1080. "I have sipped from the claret jug,
Copy !req
1081. "and I've hoisted the wanamaker trophy.
Copy !req
1082. "Here I am trying on my
second green jacket.
Copy !req
1083. "What should I do tonight?
Copy !req
1084. "I know, I'll go back
to my hotel room alone
Copy !req
1085. "all by myself.
Copy !req
1086. "That'll be fun.
Copy !req
1087. "I understand there's a
card sharks marathon
Copy !req
1088. "on GSN tonight.
Copy !req
1089. "I'll invite Mark Calcavecchia over,
Copy !req
1090. "and we'll have a...
Copy !req
1091. We'll have a grand old time together."
Copy !req
1092. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1093. "I'll just get some room service.
Copy !req
1094. "Hello. Uh, yeah, I'd like, to...
Copy !req
1095. "Oh, hi. What's your name?
Copy !req
1096. "Christine. Christine.
Copy !req
1097. "Yeah, listen, I'd like to get
a chicken breast sandwich.
Copy !req
1098. "No, I don't want a blow
job to end all blow jobs.
Copy !req
1099. "I want...
Copy !req
1100. "A chicken breast sandwich...
Copy !req
1101. "With a pickle. Can I get a pickle with it?
Copy !req
1102. "Can I get an eighth of a pickle?
Copy !req
1103. "Like, lengthwise sliced
so I just have 1/8.
Copy !req
1104. You have anything like that down there?"
Copy !req
1105. But, see, I don't think that he's like a...
Copy !req
1106. People all think of him
Copy !req
1107. as a sexual predator or
something, you know, but—
Copy !req
1108. like in the—like the—
but I don't think that.
Copy !req
1109. I think the girls went after him.
Copy !req
1110. You know, I don't think he's
trolling through Perkins
Copy !req
1111. trying to find waitresses, you know?
Copy !req
1112. I think...
Copy !req
1113. It's like he's in Perkins
with his lovely wife,
Copy !req
1114. enjoying a piece of pie, you know,
Copy !req
1115. and then he leaves,
Copy !req
1116. and then the waitress
runs out and she goes,
Copy !req
1117. "Oh, wait, you forgot this thing,
Copy !req
1118. plus I'll fuck you tomorrow
if you come back."
Copy !req
1119. He's like, "Okay, well, the..."
Copy !req
1120. So he has the, you know,
Copy !req
1121. the temptations of the flesh
all the time, you know,
Copy !req
1122. and so, you know, you gotta
take that into account.
Copy !req
1123. And Tiger, he's not like us.
Copy !req
1124. He's not like a regular guy.
Copy !req
1125. He's like a rock star.
Copy !req
1126. A regular guy, you know what I mean,
Copy !req
1127. he doesn't have that much— how...
Copy !req
1128. Like a guy like me and you,
Copy !req
1129. how many times would we have a chance
Copy !req
1130. to commit adult— in our whole lives,
Copy !req
1131. we might have ten opportunities, you know?
Copy !req
1132. Probably think it's ten.
Copy !req
1133. Probably only six.
Copy !req
1134. But... so let's say it's ten,
Copy !req
1135. so we stray once, that's 10%.
Copy !req
1136. Twice, 20%.
Copy !req
1137. Now, Tiger, maybe he had 60, 70 women.
Copy !req
1138. What about the 3 million
that he didn't fuck
Copy !req
1139. that he could have?
Copy !req
1140. You gotta factor those gals in, you know?
Copy !req
1141. Now, when you do that...
Copy !req
1142. I did it on a little, uh, calculator.
Copy !req
1143. It turns out that Tiger only had sex
Copy !req
1144. with.0000000002%
Copy !req
1145. of the women he could—
Copy !req
1146. now, statistically, that's 0%.
Copy !req
1147. From—from a strictly
mathematical point of view,
Copy !req
1148. Tiger is the most faithful
man who ever lived.
Copy !req
1149. That's my point.
Copy !req
1150. so...
Copy !req
1151. God bless him,
Copy !req
1152. and I hope he does well at the masters,
Copy !req
1153. 'cause, you know, he's got a, uh...
Copy !req
1154. You know, he trying to catch, uh...
Copy !req
1155. Nicklaus and snead and so forth,
Copy !req
1156. and, you know, I've wasted
16 years of my life
Copy !req
1157. watching the fucking guy, and, uh...
Copy !req
1158. He's got a date with destiny,
Copy !req
1159. and I'm not talking about some lady
Copy !req
1160. at the spearmint rhino.
Copy !req
1161. Literal destiny he has a date with.
Copy !req
1162. But anyways.
Copy !req
1163. Oh, so San Francisco, man.
Copy !req
1164. What else—what else is
San Francisco famous for?
Copy !req
1165. Oh, guys sucking and fucking each other.
Copy !req
1166. Forgot about that.
Copy !req
1167. They're equally proud, by the way.
Copy !req
1168. They're just as proud as straight people
Copy !req
1169. of their sucking and fucking.
Copy !req
1170. As a matter of fact, every year,
Copy !req
1171. they're so proud, they
have a parade for it.
Copy !req
1172. It's called the gay pride parade,
Copy !req
1173. and, uh, it's a odd thing to me,
Copy !req
1174. 'cause I'll tell you something,
Copy !req
1175. when I was a boy, you know,
Copy !req
1176. and I'm older than you fellers, but...
Copy !req
1177. When I was— when I was—
Copy !req
1178. when I was six years of age,
Copy !req
1179. I remember my dad showing
me on the television,
Copy !req
1180. there was a parade because
Neil Armstrong and the boys,
Copy !req
1181. why, they had gone to the Moon.
Copy !req
1182. They—here, man had touched the...
Copy !req
1183. The satellite that...
Copy !req
1184. That whirls around our whirling cinder,
Copy !req
1185. and then they came back.
Copy !req
1186. Now, they had a parade for them.
Copy !req
1187. My dad had me watch it
Copy !req
1188. on his little philco TV that
he kept in the kitchen,
Copy !req
1189. and he said— I remember he said,
Copy !req
1190. "Watch this, son," you know.
Copy !req
1191. And Neil Armstrong and the
boys were going down,
Copy !req
1192. ticker tape, Fifth Avenue.
Copy !req
1193. It was like a very majestic moment.
Copy !req
1194. Now, this is how parades have,
Copy !req
1195. in my mind, devolved a little.
Copy !req
1196. Now it's a bunch of guys
Copy !req
1197. who like sucking and fucking each other.
Copy !req
1198. Am I supposed to bring
my kid on my shoulders?
Copy !req
1199. "Hey, look at that!
Copy !req
1200. "Enjoy your cotton candy.
Copy !req
1201. "There's some more guys
Copy !req
1202. who like sucking and fucking each other."
Copy !req
1203. And they like doing it.
Copy !req
1204. I don't think you get a parade
Copy !req
1205. for something you like—
Copy !req
1206. like, if they didn't like,
Copy !req
1207. maybe then I'd show up,
you know what I mean?
Copy !req
1208. If they... if it was
like, "I don't like it,
Copy !req
1209. "but God damn it, I'll
do it for my country.
Copy !req
1210. Then I'd go, "son, that man's a patriot.
Copy !req
1211. "He understands there's
greater than the individual.
Copy !req
1212. There's..."
Copy !req
1213. But there is one very touching moment,
Copy !req
1214. 'cause a guy took me to
this gay pride parade.
Copy !req
1215. And the most touching
moment— makes you cry—
Copy !req
1216. is there's the parents of
the adult gay children,
Copy !req
1217. and they're holding, like,
signs and stuff, you know,
Copy !req
1218. and it's the most moving, uh, part of it,
Copy !req
1219. and, uh, first of all,
Copy !req
1220. they're not dancing around
in leather and shit.
Copy !req
1221. And, uh...
Copy !req
1222. But you see them,
Copy !req
1223. and some of these guys are old fellas,
Copy !req
1224. you could tell, you know,
were in Korea and stuff,
Copy !req
1225. you know what I mean?
Copy !req
1226. And so... and they carry signs that say,
Copy !req
1227. you know, "I am proud that
my son is gay," you know.
Copy !req
1228. And it's so beautiful, but I still...
Copy !req
1229. I think they're choosing the wrong words,
Copy !req
1230. 'cause pride, again... I don't, you know...
Copy !req
1231. Like, there's a difference
between accepting
Copy !req
1232. and loving and everything like that.
Copy !req
1233. But, uh, you know,
Copy !req
1234. I don't think anybody's bragging about it
Copy !req
1235. down at work or anything, you know?
Copy !req
1236. Guy goes, "Hey, guys, come over here, man,
Copy !req
1237. "I want to tell you something
about my youngest son, Bill.
Copy !req
1238. McCluskey, get over here."
Copy !req
1239. "I want to tell you about Bill.
Copy !req
1240. "We're so proud of him.
Copy !req
1241. "He graduated Harvard this
year, top of his class.
Copy !req
1242. "Gonna be a lawyer, what
do you think of that, huh?
Copy !req
1243. "You can use him, McCluskey,
next time you get in trouble.
Copy !req
1244. "Yeah, my son.
Copy !req
1245. "None of us MacPhersons ever
graduated the fifth grade.
Copy !req
1246. "We're all just a bunch of chunks of coal,
Copy !req
1247. "but, aw, it's all gonna change now.
Copy !req
1248. "Our young son, Bill.
Copy !req
1249. "Tell you something else
we're proud of him for.
Copy !req
1250. He..."
Copy !req
1251. "He was on the junior
varsity basketball team,
Copy !req
1252. "and, uh, in a span of seven games,
Copy !req
1253. "he had four triple-doubles
to end the season.
Copy !req
1254. "What do you think of that, huh?
Copy !req
1255. "Unbelievable. Also loves cock.
Copy !req
1256. I don't know the—"
Copy !req
1257. "in his mouth, up his ass,
Copy !req
1258. "this kid, he doesn't care.
Copy !req
1259. "I don't know how he does it.
Copy !req
1260. "I can't do it myself.
Copy !req
1261. Yeah."
Copy !req
1262. "My son, Bill.
Copy !req
1263. "Gonna be a lawyer.
Copy !req
1264. "I got a picture of him.
Copy !req
1265. "He's gonna be articling
in Greenwich next year.
Copy !req
1266. "There he is. He's graduating.
Copy !req
1267. "That's his graduation picture.
Copy !req
1268. "Look at that, with his robes there,
Copy !req
1269. "and the mortarboard, you know, look at—
Copy !req
1270. "it's the hat, McCluskey,
you ignorant bastard!
Copy !req
1271. "They call it that.
Copy !req
1272. "Look at him there, huh?
Copy !req
1273. "What a picture.
Copy !req
1274. "You can't see it in the picture,
Copy !req
1275. "but he's got eight cocks
wedged up his ass.
Copy !req
1276. "And, of course, you can see
Copy !req
1277. "the fine spray of jizz
Copy !req
1278. "arcing over his tongue
Copy !req
1279. "as he greedily laps it up.
Copy !req
1280. Well, well..."
Copy !req
1281. "I feel so much pride
when I see that picture.
Copy !req
1282. Pride is the thing that I most feel."
Copy !req
1283. Anyway...
Copy !req
1284. Listen, folks...
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1285. I just want to say, uh,
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1286. San Francisco's, uh, awesome.
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1287. And, uh, I'm from L.A.
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1288. And, uh, hey, we can't wait
to get your football team.
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1289. We're looking forward to that.
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1290. And, um...
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1291. How's O.J.?
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1292. O.J.?
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1293. Well, I've changed my mind on O.J.
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1294. No, I'll tell you what I feel about O.J.
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1295. It's...
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1296. I feel—as much as I was
indignant about his acquittal,
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1297. I'm equally indignant about his, uh,
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1298. his going to prison for stealing
his fucking own shirts.
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1299. I don't think that's fair.
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1300. I don't think, if you
steal your own shirts,
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1301. you should get 35
consecutive life sentences.
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1302. That doesn't seem fair to me at all.
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1303. And now he's probably saying,
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1304. "I wish I got fucking...
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1305. You know, I wish I was put
up for the other crime."
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1306. Because here's the thing.
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1307. In prison, they have a pecking order.
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1308. Now...
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1309. In the pecking order,
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1310. one of the top people on the pecking order
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1311. are the double murderers.
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1312. They're way up high.
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1313. Very well respected members...
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1314. Of the, uh, old gray bar,
you know, community.
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1315. But... guys who steal their own shirts...
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1316. They're at the lowest on the pecking order.
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1317. And the pecking order involves a
lot of ass fucking, basically.
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1318. And, uh, so I feel sorry for O.J.,
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1319. 'cause I'm sure he's going,
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1320. "Wait, I fucking killed two fucking people.
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1321. I killed a waiter and my wife, savagely."
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1322. And they're like, "We
saw the fucking trial.
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1323. "If the glove don't fit, you can't acquit.
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1324. "You stole a Jersey and nothin' more.
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1325. "Now get your fucking ass over here.
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1326. I have to fuck it."
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1327. No.
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1328. There you go!
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1329. God bless you, folks. I love you very much.
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1330. Thank you so much.
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