Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017)

1. Then people go, "Goddamn, at least he's not a hypocrite."

2. "You've got to give it to him, that's the worst part of it."

3. All right.

4. I ate a pork chop. I don't want to brag or anything like that.

5. But it's in my belly right now as we speak.

6. And I realized that you... you eat at a restaurant

7. different than you eat at home, you know?

8. Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know,

9. and make it nice and hot on one side,

10. then turn it over, make it hot on the other side,

11. and then cut into it and see how it's going in the middle.

12. And then you go, "Man, I'm going to love eating this delicious pork chop.

13. As soon as it's hot enough to eat, I'll eat it.

14. But while I'm waiting,

15. I'm going to eat a big loaf of bread."

16. Who would do that?

17. "With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I'll eat that loaf of bread."

18. "And that will get my appetite sharpened up...

19. for the pork."

20. I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays.

21. When I was young, the waiter would come and go,

22. "What do you want for dessert - cherry pie or apple pie?"

23. And you would go, "I will have a cherry pie."

24. And the guy would bring me... Very simple. You know, things were simple back then.

25. Now desserts - oh, my Lord!

26. The guy shows up and he's got a big tray at a canted angle,

27. and every confection known to man is on it.

28. He's...

29. And I don't like the way he talks,

30. because he doesn't talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more.

31. All of a sudden, for the dessert, he's, like, all the sexual undertones.

32. You know, the...

33. I mean, he's all like, "Ah."

34. "Why are you saying 'ah' like that?" He's like, "Ah."

35. "May I tempt you with something?"

36. "Tempt me?"

37. "Do you like decadent things?"

38. "Well, I don't..."

39. "I hope you left some room in your belly." "OK, listen."

40. "Are we still talking about desserts here? What the... is going on?"

41. "I don't want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something."

42. "I don't want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen...

43. I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and...

44. I don't want to be in the bathroom.

45. Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!"

46. "Hold on here, maestro! I..."

47. "I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something."

48. "I don't care much for you, Captain, I'll tell you that right now."

49. "I'll continue, I'm a man of my word, but I'll say this."

50. "I'll say this, Chief."

51. "Were my word not my bond, then none of this..."

52. "I'm doing it reluctantly. I don't know if you noticed that, but..."

53. Sex to me is...

54. First of all, I'm an old man, you know?

55. I... I'm like uh... threescore and...

56. twelve, or something like that.

57. I'm trying to get "score" going again.

58. I feel that Lincoln,

59. when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go.

60. You know what I mean?

61. Like, his wife was like, "Why don't you just say '87'?"

62. He's like, "Why don't you shut the fuck up?"

63. "Last I checked, I was the orator in the family

64. and you were the fucking insane lady."

65. "When I say fourscore and seven, believe me...

66. 'score' is going to catch on big time."

67. But...

68. it never did.

69. Here's another little presidential thing.

70. You know there's a story about George Washington,

71. and they say, "Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,"

72. when he was a little child.

73. When his parents came home they said, "Who chopped down the cherry tree?"

74. and Little George said, "It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.

75. I cannot tell a lie."

76. And you go, "Wow! What a great story."

77. But then you think about it a little bit, right?

78. Imagine if you drove home to your house, right?

79. And you get there and go, "Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?"

80. "Did somebody chop it down or something?"

81. And then you go inside,

82. and there's your child... with an axe.

83. So you go, "What happened to the cherry tree?"

84. and then he goes,

85. "I chopped down the cherry tree."

86. "I cannot tell a lie."

87. And then you go, "OK."

88. "The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot."

89. "The second part scares the fuck out of me. You..."

90. "You can't tell a lie?"

91. "You're incapable of lying?"

92. That would...

93. That would scare me.

94. Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA.

95. And I go, too, but I'm no good at them.

96. Here's my problem - I have no opinions.

97. You know how people have opinions?

98. I don't got none. I...

99. Like political and...

100. So sometimes before I go to a party, I'll just turn on the TV,

101. and whatever that guy said, I'll say that.

102. But I'm not good...

103. Like, when I go to parties, I don't want serious discussions.

104. I try to find somebody that is at my same level.

105. And I'm good at it. I can...

106. Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar - they can see other gay people?

107. I'm like that with guys at my same level of smartness.

108. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go,

109. "I can keep up with that motherfucker right there."

110. And then I make a beeline for that character.

111. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours...

112. and everything's fine.

113. Sometimes people go, "Why do you even go to these parties

114. if you don't like, you know, talking?"

115. Here's why I go to parties.

116. There's only one reason why I go to parties.

117. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches

118. where they're triangles...

119. and they cut the crusts off,

120. and then they're little equilateral triangles,

121. and they put a little toothpick.

122. And it has, like, golden cellophane...

123. and red cellophane.

124. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers.

125. And you can only get them at parties.

126. Like... I have gone to restaurants and I go,

127. "You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?"

128. And they go, "No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches."

129. I go, "Oh, fuck."

130. And then...

131. I go to, like, a grocery store.

132. I go, "Yes, where is... What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?"

133. They go, "We don't got none."

134. "Have you tried a party?"

135. I go, "I'm trying not to...

136. go to those things."

137. But I don't drink, so I'm no good at parties for that reason.

138. And drugs, I don't do them. Used to.

139. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know?

140. LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did - acid.

141. I don't know if you've ever done acid, but...

142. When I was young, they would tell me,

143. "You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,

144. and then you have a flashback.

145. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass,

146. and then you get a flashback."

147. So I thought, "Well, that sounds like a good deal," you know?

148. I went to my drug dealer Frank.

149. I said, "Frank...

150. is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5...

151. I take the drug, I get high,

152. and then, 20 years later, I get high again?"

153. He said yes.

154. And I think of myself as somebody who's good at stretching his drug dollar.

155. But the point of the whole thing

156. is for me to tell you young folk...

157. that it's not... it's not true at all, you know?

158. Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager.

159. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed.

160. Sadly, 30 years have passed.

161. And still...

162. no flash—

163. What a gyp that turned out to be.

164. I...

165. Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me.

166. I don't want to...

167. I don't want to get too political, but...

168. if you think big acid...

169. cares about you, the little guy...

170. They care about their third-quarter profits.

171. That's what they care about.

172. You know, my friend is a vegetarian.

173. And have you ever been wrong,

174. and you suddenly realize, you know, like...

175. Because she... all her arguments are right about vegetarianism.

176. She'll go, like, "How can you kill an animal

177. when you can get the same from the grass of the field?

178. It makes no sense."

179. And then I go, "I like pork."

180. So...

181. Of course, she's right...

182. and I'm wrong.

183. And it's weird when you realize you have been wrong

184. about everything that you ever believed - about vegetarianism, not everything.

185. Imagine if you woke up and you realized you were wrong about everything.

186. You just woke up and you go,

187. "Goddamn. I have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed."

188. Then it's time to go down to the rope store in my opinion, because...

189. it's not going to get better, you know?

190. Go to the rope store - that's my suggestion to you...

191. and get a hunk of rope about this big...

192. and then go to the rickety-stool store.

193. And, listen, it's no coincidence

194. that the rope store and the rickety-stool store

195. are always right beside each other, right?

196. I don't want to get political or anything like that, but...

197. When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean?

198. People commit suicide and people go, "I don't understand why,"

199. and I go, "You don't?"

200. "What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?"

201. "You don't know about life?"

202. "How it only disappoints and...

203. gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?"

204. "What the fuck?"

205. There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.

206. One is, like we said,

207. to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have.

208. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off.

209. These guys...

210. I don't understand.

211. It's called autoerotic asphyxiation.

212. It's a big, fancy word, but it's a filthy thing.

213. And this is my problem with it.

214. The risk-reward...

215. is not good.

216. And I know of the reward because I read about it.

217. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that,

218. you increase your orgasm

219. until it's one-and-a-half times as powerful

220. as the one you had the Thursday before last.

221. Is that really that important?

222. I mean, we have a lot of things in this country.

223. You know, it's raining in the forest.

224. There's all kinds of shit we have to think about... let alone whacking off.

225. That's our big problem?

226. But the risk - good Lord!

227. People always wonder, "What happens after you die?"

228. No one knows, you know?

229. People pretend to know,

230. but no one knows what happens after you die.

231. But I know what happens to you right after you die.

232. I know what happens directly after you die.

233. You are found.

234. And this is where it gets tricky.

235. And it's always by a loved one.

236. You know?

237. And you don't want your son walking in, going, "Ah! What the fuck?"

238. "What the fuck is Dad... What kind... Huh?"

239. And that's how you'll be remembered forever, you know?

240. It doesn't matter what else you accomplish in life.

241. See, people are under the misapprehension

242. that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such,

243. but it's not.

244. It's just a photograph, you know?

245. A still photograph,

246. and that's unfortunately how it is.

247. But, you know, like,

248. if you think your son will remember you as,

249. "I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,

250. and, by God, he stood in line to get Mickey Mouse's autograph.

251. It took him two hours.

252. It was for me. He knew it wasn't the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have."

253. "It was an unemployed college kid."

254. "And yet he stayed - stayed for me."

255. "Dad."

256. "He had two jobs.

257. You know, to put food on my plate,

258. and my brother's and my mom's."

259. "Two jobs.

260. And I remember one time - I'll never forget it -

261. he came home late at night and I was in bed.

262. I was pretending to be asleep, but I wasn't.

263. And he came in,

264. and he was very quiet, and he came up to me,

265. and he kissed me on that area between my uh...

266. my um... forehead and the bridge of my nose.

267. He kissed me right there,

268. and he said - quietly, so as not to wake me -

269. 'I love you, son,'

270. and then he left.

271. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast table,

272. but he was already out, he was driving hack.

273. That was his second job."

274. "But, my God, my dad..."

275. Anyways, they don't remember that at all. All they remember is...

276. "Ah!"

277. You know? Because...

278. Unfortunately, that's the way human beings are.

279. I think if I were to do it - and I don't think I ever would...

280. But you never know.

281. You can't predict the future.

282. I could wake up one day and go,

283. "I want to have one of them orgasms

284. that's uh...

285. three-over-two times as strong as the..."

286. "I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes,

287. I just did not know when."

288. This is what I would do if it ever happened to me.

289. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide,

290. because then, when I was found,

291. my son wouldn't go, "Ah!"

292. he would go, "Oh! Oh, mysterious."

293. "Dad's a mysterious guy."

294. "This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now."

295. So I would pretend, you know, that it was a... it was a real suicide.

296. Like, I would write a note - a suicide note.

297. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke,

298. if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy?

299. Do you think that would be...

300. Do you know what I mean?

301. You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know?

302. You go, "It was all Ralph Abernathy's fault!"

303. Because you know the police

304. would be compelled to go to Abernathy's barber shop...

305. and go, "Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm Macdonald?"

306. The guy goes, "Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim."

307. "Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you."

308. "He wrote it here in this letter. Would you like to keep the...?"

309. Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his life walking down...

310. Life's hard enough without having to walk...

311. That's not a good practical joke.

312. I should never have... framed that as a good practical joke,

313. because it's probably the worst practical joke...

314. You know?

315. It's the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time.

316. I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada,

317. and when I was at the air...

318. Uh...

319. Where do airplanes go from? Airports.

320. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID,

321. and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation,

322. because "I" is short for "I,"

323. and then "D"...

324. is short for "dentification," so...

325. it seems to me "D" is doing most of the...

326. legwork on that one.

327. But Vegas was cool.

328. They have a motto in Vegas.

329. They got their own slogan for the city.

330. It says: "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

331. Which is not true.

332. You know, you can't kill a guy and then just leave, you know?

333. They'll follow you, they'll find you,

334. they'll bring you back, and they'll try you in front of a jury of your peers.

335. So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know?

336. And I ruminated about it,

337. days and days and nights.

338. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks.

339. And, finally, it occurred to me.

340. It was so simple.

341. It was right in front of my face the entire time.

342. "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,"

343. all it really means is you can go to Vegas,

344. you can have sex with a prostitute...

345. and she will not tell your wife.

346. They're very discreet,

347. the Las Vegas prostitutes.

348. You know?

349. Not like these gossipy,

350. small-town whores back where you live, you know?

351. These fucking blabbermouths.

352. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head,

353. whatever the fuck that is.

354. "Oh, you're Marge Majerson?

355. You're Neil's wife?

356. Well, by God!"

357. "I took a shit on him last night...

358. in exchange for cash."

359. "Nice fella."

360. My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have.

361. You know,

362. not so long ago, phones were not magic.

363. They were just used to telephone people.

364. And uh... they couldn't take pictures.

365. You know?

366. If you wanted to take a picture - this was only, like, 20 years ago -

367. you would have to use a... you couldn't use a phone.

368. I remember I tried.

369. "OK, just hold on there. Just..."

370. People go, "What are you doing?" "Don't worry, it's..."

371. I was kind of ahead of my time, but they thought...

372. No, you had to use a camera,

373. and then you would put film in the camera,

374. and then you would go to a Fotomat.

375. It was wonderful.

376. And you would give it to this old man,

377. and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know?

378. And then you go, "When am I going to see them pictures?" He goes, "I don't know."

379. And then you go...

380. "I'll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?"

381. And then, one day, you got the news your pictures were ready.

382. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed up,

383. and you got that envelope.

384. It was wonderful.

385. And you opened that seal, you know,

386. and then there were the pictures - a whole handful.

387. Like, you would go, "Hey, look at this.

388. It's a picture of Aunt Ida,

389. but her eyes are red like the devil."

390. "Maybe Aunt Ida's the devil."

391. "Hey, look at this!

392. It's a picture of my dog,

393. but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would look like a person."

394. "It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit."

395. "Hey, look, it's a picture of you!

396. But look at your jacket and your hair!

397. Ha!"

398. "Look at the way you used to... Ha!"

399. "Remember that hair?"

400. So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have any resonance.

401. Nowadays, you go,

402. "Hey, would you like to see a picture

403. of you standing right where you are one second ago?"

404. "I got one here."

405. "Your hair is identical."

406. "I guess it would be, huh?"

407. In the real old days,

408. they would take pictures like...

409. At my house I have a picture of my great-grandfather,

410. and I only have one, you know?

411. Back then, they only had one picture of everybody,

412. because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all that shit.

413. And it was just my...

414. Nobody was happy...

415. because it took so long to get your picture taken.

416. So it's just my great-grandfather like...

417. "How long is this going to take, sir?"

418. "Who's going to feed them hogs?"

419. "It damn sure ain't going to be Marjorie, I'll tell you that."

420. Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia.

421. Oh, have you ever used that? That's the best, man.

422. It makes a democracy out of smartness.

423. Everybody's equal now, you know?

424. Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years

425. and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, "Uh..."

426. But now...

427. Now it's all different...

428. because I have got my magic phone in my pocket.

429. So a guy will say to me - he'll go, "Hey, Norm,

430. you ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?"

431. And I go, "Why, of course I have.

432. I got to go to the bathroom."

433. And then I go to the bathroom,

434. and I'm in there 20-25 minutes, and I come back.

435. I go, "Hey, listen, I was just uh...

436. We were talking about Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say

437. that, you know, what I liked about him was his paintings."

438. "I like the way he painted.

439. He was a painter,

440. and I loved how he used the paint to make paintings."

441. And then the guy goes, "Goddamn, Norm!"

442. "I've never been able to stump you in two years."

443. But I looked on my... Because I like learning on my Wikipedia.

444. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame,

445. because it's changed so much, you know?

446. And when I was young it was one thing,

447. and now it's a whole different thing.

448. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon -

449. like, have actually walked on the moon.

450. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out.

451. Only 14 - 13 or 14 - in the entire history of the world.

452. You would think that would make you very, very famous.

453. But no.

454. The last guy who walked...

455. Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be on the moon.

456. His name was Harrison Schmitt.

457. Now, whoever heard of him?

458. Meanwhile, he goes all the way to the moon,

459. hangs around there for a while and comes back.

460. He's not famous,

461. but a girl with a giant ass is famous.

462. Now, when I was young,

463. a man who went to the moon was famous,

464. and a lady with a giant ass, you would go,

465. "Can you stand over there? Because this is..."

466. Harrison Schmitt.

467. So how many people that went to the moon do we even know?

468. There was... We know the first ones.

469. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.

470. They went in Apollo 11 - Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.

471. And even the third is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins.

472. And Michael Collins,

473. in one of the...

474. just most unfair jokes -

475. I don't know what it was -

476. he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on the moon.

477. All the way to the moon,

478. and then, that little rope ladder,

479. he wasn't allowed to go down.

480. He had to stay in the lunar capsule...

481. while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on the moon.

482. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going...

483. "Are those motherfuckers golfing?"

484. "Good God! They're golfing!"

485. "Wait a minute, they... they have got a dune buggy now!"

486. "I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies.

487. This is..."

488. "I have to keep up a good face, I guess."

489. And then Buzz and Neil, I'm sure they were nice guys,

490. they didn't want to hurt Michael Collins, you know?

491. So they probably went back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know,

492. and Michael Collins was like, "What do you think, guys? What was the moon like?"

493. And they were like, "Ah."

494. "It was all right if you like that kind of thing, I guess."

495. "I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I..."

496. "I can't speak for Buzz, but...

497. I really do like the lunar capsule."

498. Because that's what you do. You know, most of your life is mundane.

499. I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life.

500. They said, "Just write about your life," so I said...

501. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

502. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written,

503. but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know?

504. A... An autobiography.

505. So it makes you think, "Well, what is my life?"

506. So I started thinking about it, right?

507. So I said, "OK, I wake up in the morning,

508. and I eat some Count Chocula."

509. And then I watch Sports Center while I'm digesting my Count Chocula,

510. and I phone my friend Fat Freddie.

511. And I go, "Hey.

512. You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something around three o'clock?

513. I... I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest,

514. but how does that settle with you?"

515. He goes, "Yeah, great," so I get together with him.

516. And on my way, I get some groceries to bring home for later,

517. and uh... and then, of course, there's dinner, you know?

518. So most of my life

519. is finding and consuming food.

520. So it doesn't make for a riveting read.

521. It's incredibly repetitious.

522. When you're writing, you learn a lot.

523. I went to a guy who's a big writer guy.

524. He told me about things I didn't know about.

525. Metaphors - have you ever heard of them?

526. He said, "You have got to use metaphors." I'm like, "What's that?"

527. He was like, "That's a thing.

528. So, a metaphor is like,

529. 'You can lead a horse to water,

530. but you can't make it drink.'"

531. I'm like, "What the fuck does that mean?"

532. So he was like,

533. "That means you can take a person, you know,

534. and you can give them all the information and everything,

535. but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself."

536. So I was like, "Well, why the fuck didn't you just say that? Like, what..."

537. "Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what..."

538. "You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what..."

539. "A horse?"

540. "Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,

541. but then the literal part is not true.

542. They will go, like, 'That which does not kill you makes you stronger,' right?

543. Now, metaphorically, that's true,

544. like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know,

545. or life deals you a bad hand.

546. And then the next time you're prepared for it

547. and uh... and it doesn't hurt you as much."

548. "But, literally, it's not true at all.

549. Literally it's, 'That which does not kill you makes you weaker...

550. and will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'"

551. That's why I like - personally -

552. I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true.

553. Like... They say, like, "Beauty is only skin deep."

554. I think that's beautiful, because it is.

555. Like, you know, really,

556. what makes a person attractive is what's inside -

557. their friendship, their conviviality, their goodwill,

558. not this uh... optic trick, you know?

559. And so it has that, but also, literally it's true,

560. because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know?

561. You could have, like, this chiseled jaw

562. and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know?

563. Large shoulders and narrow waist.

564. Are you guys horny?

565. Is it just me, or...?

566. Giant quads, a perfect body.

567. Six percent body fat, you know?

568. But you take that same guy

569. and you skin him.

570. All of a sudden...

571. he is not so easy on the eye.

572. I'm getting old, you know?

573. I asked my doctor... This is interesting, because I wondered...

574. You know, I know the first two causes of death -

575. heart disease and cancer,

576. neck and neck, you know, to kill you.

577. So I said to the doctor, "What's the third most common cause of death?

578. What is the third?"

579. And he said, "Complications."

580. That's... That's like the doctor fucking up.

581. Like, how is that the third?

582. That's the third?

583. You go, "Hey, Doc, I can't help but noticing my father is dead uh...

584. and I remember yesterday you said it was a simple operation."

585. And he was like, "Yeah, we thought it was."

586. "Looked simple in the book, I'll tell you that."

587. "But uh... you cut open a man, by God, it's..."

588. "All this red stringy stuff and everything."

589. "Are you a doctor?" "No."

590. "Ah, you wouldn't have heard.

591. Way too complicated for you."

592. But you worry when you get old, you know?

593. You get concerned, scared.

594. I remember my grandmother, you know,

595. she was like... I think she was like 85 at the time or something,

596. and I looked at her - she was sitting in her chair - and I said, "Hey, Grandma."

597. She had a bruise, right?

598. And it went from her... from her wrist,

599. all the way up her arm, right to her shoulder.

600. A big bruise -

601. purple, green and yellow.

602. A third of each.

603. And I said...

604. I said, "Grandma, where did you get that bruise?"

605. and then my grandmother said, "The wind."

606. I said, "The wind?"

607. And she said, "Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze yesterday?"

608. I was like, "Yeah, I remember."

609. My parents were teachers,

610. which is a noble profession, everyone says.

611. They're fine people. But do you know what's weird?

612. They all say, "Teachers are the real heroes."

613. My folks - not heroic at all.

614. And, as a matter of fact,

615. I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism.

616. And I have known a lot of teachers,

617. because I was a student for years and years.

618. And never once did I go, "Hey, Barney, man,

619. I was just looking at old man Abernathy,

620. you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard,

621. where he put the chalk earlier...

622. and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn't he?"

623. "No? Me neither. I didn't think that, either. I just heard that somewhere."

624. And it's not that hard a job when you think about it. You know what I mean?

625. Like, it's a pretty good...

626. If you have a job where you go to work -

627. like Grade 3 - you go to work,

628. and you're 50 times bigger than everybody else that you work with...

629. that's a pretty good job.

630. Plus, they do all the work.

631. You do nothing.

632. That's...

633. How about the students?

634. How about giving some of them the "heroism"?

635. You know, the...

636. five-year-olds that are working for free.

637. What do you need, really, to be a teacher, anyway?

638. What's the, you know, qualifications?

639. Let's say you're teaching the Third grade.

640. What... What do you need?

641. A Fourth-grade education.

642. Really, anything above that...

643. you're overqualified, really, you know?

644. I didn't like school.

645. I liked before school.

646. Man, do you remember that?

647. Before you had to go to school.

648. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I'll never forget it.

649. Those were my finest days, man.

650. I loved them so much.

651. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay's house,

652. and I would have a stick,

653. and that would be the whole day.

654. I would go, "Shawn, I've got a stick!" He would go, "Goddamn! We'll go play."

655. It was so much fun.

656. And then, one day, suddenly I'm in school.

657. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears and...

658. I'm like, "What the fuck?"

659. There were these windows that made it even...

660. You would look out the window

661. and sometimes you would see the stick, you know?

662. And you would go, "Goddamn!

663. Do these people's cruelty know no offense?"

664. Nowadays, you know, they have the ADD and stuff like that.

665. For kids in class who are like, "Hey, I would like to go out!"

666. they go, "We're going to drug you."

667. "Then you won't want to get out...

668. and run around in the grass and have fun with the stick."

669. "You'll be fine. You'll be good."

670. But, anyways, I'm old now, you know?

671. I was young.

672. Now I am old.

673. Yeah.

674. I learned some things in school.

675. Now that I'm old, things scare me, you know?

676. I think it's the media that does it.

677. Like, they go, "North Korea," you know? And, I don't know, it kind of scares...

678. It doesn't scare me that much, but... it's supposed to scare you.

679. But, like, are you really scared?

680. Have you ever woken up, gone, "Ah!" and your wife says, "What?"

681. "North Korea!"

682. That little, tiny country, way the fuck over somewhere.

683. "I'm scared, honey. I'm scared."

684. I'll tell you,

685. Iraq doesn't scare me, North Korea - none of those countries scare me.

686. There's only one country, really, that scares me in the whole country.

687. Or in the whole...

688. What do you call that's bigger than a country but less than a galaxy?

689. Earth.

690. The entire earth, there's only one country that frightens me -

691. that's the country of Germany.

692. I don't know if you guys are students of history or not, but...

693. for those of you who aren't,

694. Germany,

695. in the previous century - in the early part...

696. they decided to go to war.

697. And who did they choose to go to war with?

698. The world.

699. So you think that would last about five seconds

700. and the world would fucking win, and that would be that.

701. But it was actually close.

702. And then...

703. I don't know how that worked, but...

704. Then 30 years pass,

705. and Germany decides to go to war again.

706. And, once again, they choose as their foe...

707. the world!

708. And now...

709. this time, they really almost win.

710. So at this point you would think the world would go,

711. "Germany, you're fucking not a country any more, all right?"

712. "What the fuck?"

713. "You're not a country because you keep going to war with the world,

714. and... no one does...

715. What do you think you are, Mars?"

716. "Do you think you're Mars or something?"

717. But it's fun to get old, you know?

718. You start watching old things.

719. You know those commercials that are toward old people?

720. I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh...

721. The Six Million Dollar Man, right?

722. And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that.

723. And then, just by luck or coincidence,

724. they went to a commercial,

725. and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors,

726. the Six Million Dollar Man,

727. but as he is today, like an old man.

728. So he's jumping over... And it was for the bionic ear.

729. And it wasn't the real bionic ear from the show,

730. it was a fucking hearing aid.

731. So you see him jumping over the Arc de Triomphe,

732. and then it cuts, and he's in a studio, like,

733. "I can't hear too good out of..."

734. "This one's no good at all.

735. This one's all right."

736. "This one may as well not even be an ear."

737. And you go, "Goddamn."

738. You can't help but feel sorry for a man like that.

739. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know?

740. And he probably had all kinds of hope, you know?

741. He answers, "Hey, Jerome! My God! I haven't heard from you in 30 years."

742. "You've got something for me? Well, let me guess.

743. I bet I know what it is.

744. It's that movie I wrote:

745. The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man...

746. starring Ben Stiller.

747. And then I show up as a judge for two minutes."

748. "Is that the one?"

749. "No? What is it, then?"

750. "It's a...

751. No, not out of this one. No."

752. "Well, what..."

753. "What is that?"

754. "That's a hearing aid?"

755. "Well...

756. how much does something like that pay a fellow?"

757. "It's funny you say that, Jerome,

758. because when you say it,

759. I realize that that's only one tenth

760. of what I used to get from a single episode of...

761. No, I'll keep... I won't... Sorry."

762. "Um...

763. When do they have to know by?"

764. "Oh, within the hour, huh?"

765. "Well uh...

766. I guess, then, I would say um...

767. yes, I'll take that."

768. "Jerome, I have to ask you this.

769. Is there any way in the contract

770. that you can put in that um...

771. I'm sad?"

772. What about those commercials...

773. where the guy just tells you stuff you already know?

774. There's this one with William Devane,

775. and he goes, "Do you like gold?"

776. You're like, "Yes, of course."

777. "You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe."

778. You go, "Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice."

779. "Do you know gold's always been valuable?"

780. "Yes, I know everything you're telling me."

781. "Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid.

782. I know all about how gold is valuable."

783. There's one that I don't understand, but it's kind of...

784. It's called "reverse mortgage."

785. I had never heard of one of these things.

786. It has a guy on it, and he goes,

787. "I'm a guy...

788. and I want to tell you about reverse mortgages.

789. You've probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is."

790. "That's when you and your loved one,

791. you get together a grubstake -

792. you know, a little bit of money -

793. and, by God, you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know?

794. And then, every month, you pay what's called a mortgage, you know?

795. Which is some money to the bank.

796. And then 20 years pass, or 30,

797. and you have a big party with your friends.

798. All your kith and kin come,

799. and you burn the mortgage,

800. and, by God,

801. you own a piece of the American dream."

802. "Anyway, this is the complete opposite."

803. "So uh...

804. we would be glad to send you some brochures.

805. It's uh..."

806. "It's a picture of you with no shelter."

807. You know, I'm trying to be a better person.

808. I don't know if you're religious or not.

809. I'm sort of half religious, half not.

810. I try to uh...

811. obey the commandments.

812. And it's funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey,

813. and some are very difficult.

814. You know what I'm saying? Like, "Thou shalt not kill."

815. Well, it's pretty easy to obey that, you know?

816. But then there's other ones that are really hard to obey,

817. like there's one that says,

818. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox."

819. Now...

820. I have this old scraggly fucking ox.

821. I bought him used - that was my first mistake.

822. And uh... the guy who sold it to me

823. didn't tell me about all the fucking diseases this thing has.

824. So he fucking wanders around.

825. He can't pull anything.

826. And he has a big thing around his neck,

827. like a bell, and that causes him...

828. neck problems, so I have to take that off.

829. And then...

830. Then I walk past my neighbor's house,

831. and I look in his garage,

832. and here stands the most beautiful...

833. like, blue-grey...

834. Belgian ox...

835. that I've ever laid eyes upon.

836. And he's brushing his lustrous...

837. And I'm not supposed to covet it? I...

838. "Thou shalt not bear false witness."

839. That's a tough one.

840. But it's good, you know, not to lie,

841. but it's very, very hard, you know,

842. not lying, because you want people to like you and...

843. Do know what I mean?

844. You want to...

845. All kinds of reasons to lie.

846. I thought of a way of not lying,

847. and I'll... I'll share it with you, if you like?

848. You can tell the truth, word for word,

849. absolutely true, but when you do it...

850. you use a sarcastic accent.

851. So I'll give you an example.

852. Your wife goes, "Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.

853. You're... You're not attracted to my sister, are you?"

854. And then you go,

855. "Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you,

856. I'm attracted to your sister."

857. She's like, "All right, Henry. Never mind."

858. You go, "No. Why? It's true. I want to fuck her. I..."

859. "Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister, right?"

860. She's like, "No, I shouldn't have brought it up."

861. "No! Why wouldn't you bring it up?

862. I mean, you're the victim in this whole thing."

863. "I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,

864. I am going to seduce

865. every member of my wife's family."

866. "Regardless of gender,

867. I'm going to fuck all of them."

868. "Then, afterwards,

869. I'm going to invite them over to the house

870. and set it on fire, killing them all."

871. "And then I'm going to move on to the next town, where I do it again."

872. It's like, "All right, Henry. We don't need to hear it."

873. "You don't have to be like this."

874. "Why? Why?"

875. "You're the good person in this scenario."

876. "I'm the guy that goes from town to town...

877. fucking and murdering entire families...

878. and leaving conflagrations of ashes that used to be human beings."

879. "I'm the most savage

880. and prolific serial killer that ever was...

881. and I've just never been found out yet,

882. that's all."

883. "Just go to sleep."

884. "Yeah, I'll go to sleep,

885. or maybe I'll buy kerosene all night."

886. So, that's just an example.

887. You don't have to do that one.

888. I'm just...

889. I'm just saying, that's all.

890. But, listen, there's important things going on in the world,

891. it's raining in the forest.

892. I don't want to get too political with you,

893. but it's a true fact.

894. Now, I know...

895. You know, I know uh... science,

896. and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went,

897. "Goddamn! It's good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest."

898. "It turned out that's where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit."

899. "It's what started that snake flu that nearly took everybody out."

900. Nobody knows nothing.

901. But, you know, you're supposed to crunch up cans,

902. and I think it's a good thing, you know?

903. You've got the orange and then the green, there's blue.

904. You crunch the cans, and then you put that... And you should do that.

905. I'm not doing it, but you guys...

906. should do it, because it's important, you know?

907. It's always supposed to be for the people from the future.

908. That's how they try to trick you, you know?

909. They always go, "The children are the future,"

910. which is true, but they said that when I was a child.

911. Then I grew up. I was like, "Here I am!" They were like, "Now it's the other kids."

912. I go, "You fucker."

913. "I had a feeling there was something here."

914. "I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one."

915. "And now it's the other children."

916. [cheering and applause

917. Listen, this has all been wonderful.

918. But I will tell you this.

919. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance.

920. I-I find...

921. And it's not just me.

922. I find...

923. Like, most of my act is just,

924. you know...

925. uh...

926. gossip and... and trickery.

927. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know?

928. So, I'll tell you the only thing I know for a fact,

929. and it's something that we all know.

930. Everybody knows it,

931. but it's harder to act on it, it is.

932. But the only really true thing

933. is that...

934. we all must love each other.

935. And it's very difficult, you know?

936. It's very, very hard.

937. Hey, what about this?

938. A dog loves people.

939. Like, you think it's hard to love people - a dog loves everybody.

940. Like, a dog...

941. Like, my dog, right,

942. I've never seen such a...

943. No judgement.

944. Like, my dog, all he does is love me.

945. When I wake up...

946. I think he watches me sleeping,

947. because when I wake up, he's right there,

948. and he's like, "I love you!"

949. He jumps up. He's licking my face.

950. "I love you more than anything! You're the greatest!"

951. I go, "Thanks. You're cool, too. I love you."

952. "I love you more than anything!" "I love you, too."

953. "Remember yesterday when you threw that bone

954. and it turned out to be a rubber bone?"

955. "Yeah, it was a joke. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

956. "I wasn't! I wasn't! I was laughing. It was funny."

957. "Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.

958. This is the greatest thing.

959. I'm just going to kiss you and kiss you forever."

960. I go, "Yes, you can do that." "I'm just going to keep kissing you."

961. Then I go, "OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?"

962. "Just leave me alone, would you?"

963. "I've got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.

964. I've got no time for this...

965. fucking dog stuff."

966. Then my dog goes, "You're right."

967. "I find... You know, I love you,

968. but I... I just push too hard."

969. "I push and I push and I push,

970. and I push you away."

971. "I'm no good."

972. "I'm no damn good."

973. "But what say...

974. what say I just stood here

975. and stared at you...

976. completely quietly...

977. until, finally, you looked at me again...

978. with some look of love,

979. and then I jump up and love you again?"

980. And you go, "Yes, that would be fine."

981. "Do that."

982. They don't judge, dogs.

983. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know?

984. There's no such thing as unconditional love with human beings.

985. But dogs, they don't care.

986. They love...

987. Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that.

988. I'm no fan of Hitler.

989. I never liked him.

990. I didn't like him before it was cool not to like him.

991. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone.

992. He would wake up in the morning and go,

993. "Where's Hitler?"

994. You know?

995. And Göring, or somebody, would go,

996. "He's not here. He's doing some evil stuff."

997. "I've explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff.

998. You can't see him that often."

999. He goes, "OK. Yeah, I know.

1000. I'm not trying to... Listen, Göring, I love you, you know?

1001. I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest.

1002. But it's just Hitler is the greatest man who's ever lived."

1003. This is why we ask that you don't use recording devices.

1004. Just...

1005. I don't want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something.

1006. "Did you say Hitler was the greatest?" And what would be my fucking answer?

1007. I would go, "No, it was a dog."

1008. That wouldn't work. I would be fucked.

1009. But...

1010. I'll be goddamned if I'm going to end a special talking about Hitler.

1011. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do -

1012. end a special...

1013. I'm going to call my special Hitler's Dog.