Neighbors (1981)

1. Stay with us for blood-chilling suspense...

2. blackmail, murder, intrigue and love.

3. Next on Channel 8.

4. - A tourist, on his way visiting a friend, was struck...

5. by a 30-pound cinder block as he walked down the stage-door alley.

6. The cinder block definitely hit me on the flat side...

7. of the block itself, as if it were hurled at me.

8. - When the ferry docked, he was napping.

9. A deck hand woke him and told him to drive off. But Broad Max was in reverse.

10. He went right off the back of the ferry. He drowned.

11. But if you were complaining about the weather this weekend...

12. it could have been worse. A series of floods...

13. - I guess it's that time. - You want any help?

14. There was a terrific recipe for capon in the Times today.

15. Takes two minutes.

16. The National Guard has been called out to stop any looting…

17. and some people may have to go…

18. Enid, someone's moving into the Warren place.

19. So?

20. It's a funny time to be moving.

21. I don't see any kids' stuff.

22. Thank God.

23. Maybe we should ask them over for a drink tonight.

24. - It being their first night and all. - Tomorrow will be fine.

25. Well, tomorrow's not tonight, you know.

26. - And it would be nice. - There's plenty of time to be nice.

27. You don't have to push it.

28. I think they've got a dog.

29. Kalinqashe, the dog spirit, is swift and faithful.

30. I don't care. I don't want him in my garden I don't want him digging up my bulbs.

31. Who would want your bulbs?

32. Hello.

33. - What can I do for you? - Anything you like.

34. The question is, what do you want in return?

35. Hi. I'm Ramona. I just moved in next door.

36. - Oh, really? - Really.

37. Who's this?

38. - Your girlfriend? - No, that's my daughter, Elaine.

39. That's a hot one.

40. By the way, my name is Earl Keese.

41. I was real friendly with a boy named Earl once.

42. Well, twice really.

43. So you're all moved in next door, huh?

44. It's a very good house. I imagine you'll want to freshen it up.

45. Give it a new coat of paint, mow the lawn.

46. Is your wife here?

47. She's in the kitchen.

48. - She's dying to meet you. I'll get her. - No, no, I don't want to meet her.

49. I hope we're gonna be friends.

50. We were very friendly with the Warrens next door.

51. But we weren't that close.

52. I mean, we were next-door close.

53. I didn't mean that kind of close. I mean "close" close.

54. Is your wife making dinner?

55. She's fixing a great capon.

56. It was in the Times today.

57. Would you like to stay for dinner?

58. Are there more of you?

59. Is there a Mr. Ramona?

60. You go ask your wife if it's okay.

61. No, it's no problem, really.

62. Don't argue with me, Earl.

63. You wouldn't want me to have to pull down your pants...

64. and spank your little buns...

65. would you?

66. Don't you go away. I'll be right back.

67. Okay?

68. - How many frozen waffles you want? - Waffles? What happened to the capon?

69. - What capon? - You said you read...

70. an incredible recipe for it. - I didn't say we were having it.

71. Leave it to you to take something for granted.

72. Frozen waffles is all we've got.

73. Weren't you gonna pick up steaks for tomorrow?

74. You're asking for steak?

75. You could have picked up some cheap ones.

76. I will not eat cheap meat.

77. No! No!

78. - May I help you? - Hi, Earl. I'm Vic.

79. I'm sure Ramona's already told you my whole life story.

80. - No, but you must be her... - That's me, like it or not.

81. If you know what I mean. Have a seat.

82. So, what do you say, neighbor?

83. Welcome to the end of the road, I guess.

84. - It's a great house. - Thank you.

85. I mean mine. More rooms than we need, really, but I couldn't resist.

86. It was a steal.

87. What's on the menu, pal? I'm starved.

88. We haven't eaten all day. We could eat a baby's butt through a park bench.

89. I'm afraid I spoke too soon earlier.

90. We haven't got enough. Enid didn't get to her shopping today.

91. Well, no sweat. I'll just go and get some takeout.

92. There's nothing around here except the standard burgers...

93. greasy dogs and a gummy pizza. - I can do better than that.

94. You just leave everything to Captain Vic.

95. Look, friend, if I do the running, I know you'll wanna spring for the tab.

96. Okay.

97. Thirty bucks? For four grown people?

98. Where have you been? It takes 30 bucks just to look at a menu.

99. - This is a $2 bill. - Let me see that.

100. Gee, I thought it was a 20.

101. - Really. - Well, people palm them off that way.

102. You never know who's gonna stick it to you, do you, Earl?

103. Look, if 32 bucks isn't enough, we can always do it some other night.

104. Why don't we do it now. Let's have your car keys, okay?

105. - My car keys? - Yeah, my brakes are shot.

106. Look. Why don't I get the food? I'm the one who's supposed to be neighborly.

107. You stay here and my wife Enid will keep you company.

108. Forget it. If you insist on paying for dinner, the least I can do is go get it.

109. What I don't understand is where you're going.

110. There's no place decent around here.

111. If you must know, it's a new place, opened up on the other side of town.

112. Near the train station. Across from the warehouse.

113. Italian.

114. Vic, I commute, I go by there twice a day, five days a week...

115. and I've never seen a restaurant around there.

116. You calling me a liar?

117. No, I...

118. I'm just not very observant, I guess.

119. I can't blame you. They don't have their sign up yet.

120. But it's got a cute name: Caesar's Garlic Wars.

121. Okay. Why don't you get some ravioli...

122. and some... What do you call those stuffed clams?

123. - Stuffed clams. - Yeah. And some scampi and plenty of garlic.

124. Whatever I get, Earl, I first have to get going.

125. I'll get the keys.

126. Why don't you stay here and make yourself at home. I won't be a second.

127. I'll be right here.

128. Hi.

129. Took a bath. There's a dead rat in our tub over there.

130. Vic said not to move it.

131. Took a pill. Moving always makes me kind of hyper.

132. I hope you don't mind.

133. Yeah. Sure. I don't mind.

134. Oh, you do mind, don't you?

135. Vic's going out for Italian food.

136. You come down and join us whenever you can, okay?

137. What are you so nervous about, Earl?

138. Afraid Vic will think you're up here...

139. chewing me?

140. What are you doing? Robbing me?

141. Looking for a pencil to write down what you want for supper.

142. You got a pencil in your hand.

143. $327. Is that all you had at the end of last month?

144. That's none of your business. Stay out of there, please.

145. - I just wanted to get the order right. - Why don't we go downstairs.

146. Sure.

147. After you.

148. - So, what do you want? - Make it simple.

149. Spaghetti, meatballs, a salad. Whatever you want for you and...

150. What's not simple is how I get to the restaurant.

151. - Use my car. - Has it got a key or a rubber band...

152. you wind up? - Why don't I go with you.

153. Afraid I'll steal your car? That's why I moved in next door?

154. So I could rip off your car and move somewhere else?

155. - There you go. - Back in a flash, pal.

156. Waffles are browning. Always a thrilling sight.

157. Good news, Enid.

158. Italian food is on the way.

159. You arranged it?

160. Well, more or less. I invited the neighbors.

161. Oh, you met them.

162. What did you think?

163. Earl?

164. They're...

165. different.

166. I guess I'll go up and get dressed.

167. Upstairs?

168. What for?

169. You said they were coming over.

170. Well, they're not dressing. They're barely dressed.

171. I mean, you could go in the kitchen and set the table.

172. And turn the waffles off. I'll be there in a minute to help you.

173. You got lots to do down here.

174. Yeah, there is something I forgot to do.

175. That's a boy. You want some steak?

176. Don't tell me, you must be our new neighbor. Come on in.

177. Thanks a lot.

178. Someone's stolen our truck...

179. and I need to use the phone to call the police.

180. Use the phone in the kitchen. What a terrible thing, your first day.

181. It's even worse than just that. Baby was in the back.

182. - Oh, my. - Oh! Oh! Oh!

183. Vic. Your baby's drowning!

184. No chance. Why should my dog be drowning?

185. Dog?

186. I thought "child."

187. We haven't any children. Unless Ramona just pumped one out...

188. and didn't tell me. She calls the dog "Baby."

189. - She calls the dog "Baby"? - Yeah. He's fine.

190. I just saw him around the back there. When I drove up.

191. He's digging up something in your flowerbed.

192. My flowerbed?

193. Hi, Enid.

194. Hi, Vic.

195. Oh, we met hours ago.

196. Earl here was worried about Baby.

197. Oh, he's no trouble at all. He's a perfect gentleman.

198. - Leave him with me any time you want. - Don't worry, I will.

199. They spoil him awfully.

200. I want him to have every advantage I was denied as a young dog.

201. Well, here are your keys, Mr. Keese.

202. Let's dig into this stuff before the sauce turns into penicillin.

203. Why don't you look for Ramona.

204. - Me? - Finders keepers, Earl. After all...

205. I know what goes on out here in the suburbs.

206. That's why we moved here.

207. Oh, Vic.

208. - What do you think, Earl? - Don't do that. You are outrageous.

209. Too bad about Vic's truck, Earl.

210. Well, I was just pushing it into my garage...

211. to hide it from him, you know, kind of a joke.

212. - It was an accident. - It could happen to anybody.

213. I think 1,500 should take care of it.

214. Fifteen hundred? Dollars?

215. It was just a joke. I mean, I'm sure your insurance will cover most of it...

216. and I'll pay the deductible. What is it, 100 or so?

217. For the truck. Keeping me quiet is a little extra.

218. I don't believe it.

219. You're blackmailing me.

220. Hey, what are neighbors for?

221. Oh, make it cash.

222. Hey, come on in, buddy. Help yourself.

223. Well, here we all are.

224. To Vic and Ramona.

225. For bringing a breath of fresh air to our neighborhood.

226. May we have many, many years of your lovely company.

227. Do they have any country fairs here?

228. Where they do things like see which bull has the biggest balls?

229. This isn't really country. It's more a suburban bedroom community.

230. The locals are in service trades. They're not farmers.

231. Maybe we can measure their balls.

232. Or we could start with yours, if you like.

233. Good, is it?

234. - Delicious. - I must call Caesar's...

235. and compliment the chef.

236. Tell me, were they crowded this evening?

237. - What? - Caesar's.

238. Friday night, the only place in town.

239. Bet they were turning them away in droves.

240. Okay, you probably called the place...

241. and found out they're not open for business yet, right?

242. Right.

243. So does that make me a liar?

244. Maybe I got there, saw the place was closed...

245. and went somewhere else to pick up the food.

246. Where? Everything's shut at this hour. Everything.

247. - And the wine? - What's the matter?

248. Vic brings a wonderful dinner and you give him the third degree.

249. I don't mind. There's no mystery about it.

250. You know Valley Field Mall on Route 3? Across from the Cinema Cineplex?

251. There's a small spaghetti and wine dealership there.

252. Next to the Singer Sewing Center.

253. That's where you got it?

254. That's right.

255. Well, to begin with, Valley Field Mall is closed.

256. When it was open, it was on Route 15, not Route 3.

257. And there can't be a small spaghetti dealership...

258. next to the Singer Center across from the Cineplex...

259. because there is no Cineplex and there is no Singer Sewing Center.

260. All right, I can deceive you no longer.

261. Yes, yes, yes, I admit it.

262. It was me who prepared this meal...

263. to share on our first night together as neighbors.

264. This was my crime. Mixing up a special batch of my Aunt Minota's...

265. secret, sacred spaghetti sauce.

266. Sorry I messed up your evening. Right?

267. Right.

268. In light of Earl's feelings, I think it would be best if we left.

269. Oh, no, no. Sit down, sit down. Let's finish this magnificent meal.

270. Don't worry about Earl. He'll get over his feelings.

271. - He spurned my sauce. - No, he loves your sauce.

272. He's just jealous, he can't cook.

273. Earl, isn't it your turn to do a little confessing?

274. - What? - Vic's been man enough to admit...

275. he was the one who cooked supper. You've got nothing to say?

276. I don't think that'll be necessary. We do have an agreement, don't we?

277. I'm talking about what you did outside.

278. Yes, Ramona. I know and I accept the figures you mentioned.

279. "Figures," Earl? What "figures"?

280. Just a little arrangement I have with Ramona.

281. What sort of arrangement?

282. Oh, boy.

283. We're waiting. Or do I have to pound it out of you?

284. Don't speak to me like that in my own house.

285. - Why would I? - You just did.

286. - It's just a something a guy says. - I never say it.

287. - I don't blame you. - Ramona...

288. why don't you be man enough to tell us since Earl isn't.

289. He tried to pork me.

290. Pork you? What?

291. You know you did.

292. I swear, I never touched her.

293. Well, I wasn't born with your hand in my bush.

294. Enid, help me.

295. Tell them I couldn't do something like that.

296. - Let's leave that to the police. - Vic, she's not my type.

297. Enid, you tell Earl he'll have a chance to defend himself.

298. I think you can see why we have to leave.

299. I know you meant well. Didn't you?

300. We might have had a wonderful relationship.

301. But then, as Arthur Bremer once said:

302. "How many things go right in this crazy world?"

303. Ramona, let's go.

304. Come on, before he gets dangerous.

305. - I thought I'd be able to defend myself! - Not so loud, Earl.

306. Afraid we'll disturb the neighbors? These are the goddamn neighbors!

307. Calm yourself, Earl. I'm not gonna take you to court.

308. That would make for bad blood. We don't want any bad blood...

309. especially since we'll be living next door to you for a long, long time.

310. I swear to God, Enid, we may have to move.

311. They're very strange people.

312. You know how after five minutes when you meet someone...

313. you know everything about them?

314. What they do, their last name. We know nothing about them.

315. - So what? - So why didn't you say something?

316. You were in the house the whole time she was here.

317. Besides, you know how long it takes to pork someone?

318. No, how long does it take, Earl?

319. Are you saying you believe her?

320. Enid, I'm the same man you've known for 16 years.

321. I know.

322. What the hell's going on around here?

323. He comes waltzing in and you say, "Hi, Vic."

324. - How did you know his name? - He came over this afternoon.

325. I didn't have a chance to tell you.

326. - You could've told me in the car. - You know we never talk in the car.

327. Today you could've made an exception.

328. That house next door is empty for six months and you meet...

329. the new occupants before I do, and you don't say anything?

330. - Enid, am I being unreasonable? - Pass the wine.

331. Did you tell me everybody you met today?

332. I didn't meet anyone today. I never meet anyone.

333. A new neighbor's a bit different, isn't it?

334. A new neighbor whose unit we can stare at.

335. - I wasn't staring at his unit. - I saw you, Enid.

336. I don't care what other wives do, only the one I'm married to.

337. I know when a woman's checking out a man's unit.

338. - Oh, really? - Yeah, Vic's wife, that Ramona.

339. She did it to me, practically unzipped my fly with her eyes.

340. And you hated it, right?

341. How many stiff nips did you check out at the office today?

342. I know you, Earl, your eyes never sit still for a minute.

343. Why'd you give their dog our steak?

344. I saw you, behind my back.

345. I was afraid you wouldn't approve.

346. You were afraid right, I can tell you that.

347. What could I do?

348. Vic asked me to look after Baby for a while.

349. But steak? Jesus, why didn't you stuff money into his mouth?

350. And 32 bucks for this load of crap?

351. It's his money.

352. Baby! Oh, my God! Baby!

353. Get that thing away from that thing!

354. What happened?

355. Baby was over by that thing taking a leak.

356. Jesus Christ.

357. Come, Baby. Come.

358. Come here. Come here.

359. He's all right.

360. Sweetie, where's the truck?

361. Maybe that thing got our truck like Earl got me.

362. Relax with that stuff. Our boy here has been through enough.

363. We really had you going there. Ramona's such an imp.

364. We were just kind of putting you on at supper. Like a little joke.

365. A joke? You call accusing me of porking Ramona a joke?

366. Oh, what's the matter with you, Earl? Can't you take a joke?

367. Let's go, Ramona, come in the house. It's Friday night. I'll buy you a drink.

368. Yeah, I can take a joke, Enid!

369. - Can you take a joke, Vic? - Any joke you dish up.

370. - Oh, yeah? - Well, try me.

371. - I sank your truck. - What?

372. I didn't mean to. I lost control after I moved the brick from under your tire.

373. You touched my brick? I told you I had no brakes.

374. I borrowed your car for the takeout.

375. - But you didn't go for takeout. - Where's my truck and my airplane?

376. It's down in the swamp. I'll go get my jacket.

377. We'll get your jacket later. You just take me to...

378. the swamp.

379. Give me the light, I'll lead the way.

380. You're pretty lucky, having a swamp next to your house.

381. It didn't always smell this way.

382. When we moved in, it was a freshwater lake with fish and everything.

383. Then the Interstate Chemical began dumping upstream...

384. and weird things started to grow.

385. I haven't been here since the search party a couple years ago.

386. Search party?

387. Yeah.

388. Some guy disappeared down here.

389. A lineman from the power company. Said it was quicksand.

390. Quicksand, this part of the country? No way.

391. That's what I said.

392. Vic!

393. Vic!

394. Vic, help me. Please help me!

395. Do you feel my truck in there?

396. Vic, come on, help me. I'll buy you a new truck.

397. Not like that one. How about my triplane? How you gonna replace that?

398. Help, please. I'm being sucked down.

399. - Maybe it's best that way. - What are you talking about?

400. You're not the ideal neighbor. You sank my truck...

401. you insulted my sauce and you violated Ramona.

402. - You said it was just a joke. - But she was in your bathtub.

403. No, she wasn't. She was in the bed.

404. And that is where you saw her “mammae.”

405. - Her mammal? - Her honkers, Earl.

406. She dropped the towel.

407. Did she drop it, or did you psychically will it to fall?

408. - "Will it to fall"? - Did you will her towel to fall?

409. No.

410. Never. No.

411. Admit it, Earl. They'll go easier on you if you do.

412. Will it to fall? Well... No, I don't think so.

413. Come on, Earl.

414. - Well, maybe a little. - Come on.

415. Yes! Yes!

416. - Okay, I admit it. - Admit what?

417. Yes. I willed the towel to fall!

418. Grab on. Earl Keese, come on up.

419. See, all I wanted was a little honesty in our relationship, buddy.

420. You'd want the same thing, right, pal?

421. Vic.

422. Vic.

423. Don't kid around.

424. Come on up. Vic!

425. Vic, I'm sorry. Vic, come back, Vic!

426. Vic, come back.

427. Forgive me, Vic.

428. Forgive me.

429. Oh, my God.

430. I must be seeing things.

431. So there was this Indian and...

432. Oh, God!

433. Jesus! Get out of here! Get out!

434. Get out of my house!

435. You're certifiable! You and that woman!

436. You're nuts! You're a maniac! Get out!

437. God, does it always shrivel up when you shower?

438. Great.

439. Now it's your turn to annoy me, right?

440. I was looking for Baby. You haven't seen him, have you? He kills chickens.

441. Well, I don't keep chickens in the shower.

442. - This is pretty. - Please don't touch them.

443. Put them back on the shelf.

444. Snippy.

445. Your left ball in the corner pocket.

446. Sorry, Earl.

447. I started collecting them when I was 9 years old.

448. Hey, you kids, keep it down to a dull roar.

449. I'm not cleaning up down there again, Earl.

450. What's happening, gang?

451. Hi, Vic. Come on in and join the party.

452. I gotta go upstairs, be right back.

453. I gotta get a broom to sweep up all this junk.

454. Get a little rough with you, did he?

455. Hey!

456. Earl. Hey, Earl.

457. - Go to hell. You're not getting back in. - You locked them in?

458. They're a couple of cases. They're fruitcakes, lunatics.

459. - Both of them. They're hazardous, Enid. - Enid. You in there, honey?

460. Right here, Captain Vic. You can't keep them prisoners, Earl.

461. I'm gonna call the locksmith. They can let them out the side door.

462. Hello, Chic. It's Earl.

463. - Earl. Earl who? - No jokes, will you?

464. I need the name of that locksmith.

465. I broke a key and I got two lunatics locked in my basement.

466. What? What did you say?

467. - Blow it out your ass. - Is somebody on this line?

468. - Just you and me, asshole. - The bastard's on the phone.

469. - You called me, didn't you? - Not you.

470. - Me. - Get off the line, Vic.

471. - Who's Vic? - He lives next door.

472. - Nobody lives next door. - That's right.

473. - Christ. - Earl, you been drinking?

474. - What the hell is going on? - Never mind, forget it.

475. And don't ever call here again.

476. Oh, really, Earl. Grow up.

477. - Vic, stop! - Please, you promised me. Please.

478. - Your leg. Just one leg. - It's a trick.

479. You are pitiful, Earl. How do you know it's a trick?

480. - You always go limp in a crisis. - It's not a crisis, it's a trick.

481. How do you know Vic isn't an escaped vivisectionist?

482. A vivisectionist!

483. Ramona!

484. Are you still in one piece?

485. Come on, kids.

486. Fun's fun.

487. All right. Game's over.

488. Enid!

489. Enid!

490. Greavy's Garage.

491. I'm sorry to be calling you at this hour.

492. It don't matter. We're open 24 hours. All day, all damn night. What you need?

493. I'm at number 2 Burt Street.

494. I need somebody to let me out of my basement, and I need a tow truck immediately.

495. Ain't that damn truck there yet?

496. I sent my boy Perry out there about five minutes ago.

497. Some fella named Vic called up.

498. You're kidding.

499. Yeah, I'm kidding. I stay up all night so I can wank my crank on the phone.

500. Wait a minute.

501. - He just got here. - That fella Vic...

502. says you run his truck down the swamp.

503. Locked him and his missus in a root cellar.

504. - It was kind of a joke. - A joke?

505. What the hell kind of joke is that? It's as funny as a gutful of pinworms.

506. - Who asked your opinion? - Who the hell has to, you jack-off?

507. Just because I lay under your carpet that's insides...

508. and because I snake your pipes and drain your cesspool...

509. don't make me dirt under your feet. I'm as good as you any day, asshole.

510. If I didn't have to do this crap for a living, I wouldn't sell you my snot.

511. Enid.

512. It's like a peashooter. I saw a guy take three slugs from one of these.

513. - He just kept coming. - I remember that.

514. - Be cool, brothers. - Take it easy, guys.

515. - You too. Good night. - Look who's home.

516. - Our daughter, the outlaw hitchhiker. - Hi, Daddy.

517. - Elaine, what are you doing home? - Got kicked out of school. I'm hungry.

518. We're gonna party with the neighbors. Aren't they neat? I got some vodka.

519. - She got kicked out. - Leave her alone.

520. Vic, what did you say is in a pile driver?

521. Italian Galliano for passion, Irish Mist for love and...

522. Russian vodka for endurance. - Poor baby. Learn to relax.

523. Too much excitement's no good for you.

524. Why don't you go upstairs, take a hot bath, get into bed...

525. and I'll come up to tuck you in and help you go to sleep.

526. That's a good idea.

527. - I'll go in and say good night. - That's a good boy.

528. We used to put 20 of them in there.

529. Activate the speed rollers, turn on the hose circuits and that's it.

530. Vic Zeck's liquid lunch!

531. Good night, everybody.

532. I'm going to bed.

533. I bet you never seen a pair of these before.

534. Take a sniff.

535. - It smells like a peach. - What are those?

536. They're my panties. They're edible.

537. Edible. Hey, wow. The wonders of modern Petro technology.

538. - Where'd you get them? - At school. All the kids have them.

539. - They're tasty. - They come in four flavors.

540. - What a great idea. - Yeah. Four flavors.

541. Earl, want some of your daughter's panties? They come in four flavors.

542. Banana, peach, mint, and, of course, cherry.

543. Good night, ladies.

544. You should have gone up to bed like I said.

545. Nice meeting you. Good night, Enid.

546. - Nice, Earl. Good move. - Guys, it's 2 in the morning.

547. Come on, you need some sleep.

548. Turn off the lights, Earl.

549. Two? 2:00?

550. Is that right? Can that be right?

551. What do you want?

552. Please let me in, Earl. I'll give you a kiss. Anyplace you like.

553. Oh, Christ.

554. You've got no interest in me. Why are you coming on to me?

555. We could have a real good time, Earl. I don't care about your false teeth.

556. - I haven't got false teeth. - I'm sorry. I guess they just look false.

557. Look, what do you want from me?

558. Not just now, the whole thing. You and Vic. Why?

559. Poor baby. I guess no one ever tried to make friends with you before.

560. Here.

561. Earl, if you won't let me come in and play...

562. you come out and play with me. - Earl.

563. - Just for a little while. - Earl.

564. - We can talk. - Earl, are you down there?

565. Coming.

566. Wait. Stay here. I'll be right back.

567. Who were you talking to down there?

568. Talking to? Nobody.

569. Well.

570. I'm gonna take a shower.

571. Whatever you say, Earl.

572. Ramona.

573. Ramona.

574. - Well, that was a huge waste of time. - What do you want?

575. I give your car a good going-over, a real good going-over.

576. And there's nothing wrong with it. Not a damn thing. So I brung it back.

577. I guess you had a good laugh on me, huh?

578. - Pardon? - Making a horse's patoot out of me.

579. - Yeah, huh? - Wait. I didn't ask to have my...

580. car hauled away. Someone played a joke on both of us.

581. You're just full of jokes, aren't you?

582. Well, I think you're a dirty shit sack, how about that?

583. Ramona.

584. Who goes there?

585. Hi. It's Earl Keese.

586. Oh, God!

587. Oh, God.

588. My God, I thought you were a prowler. You all right?

589. - I guess so. - You look bad, Earl.

590. You sure you didn't get hit?

591. I don't know. I've never been shot at before.

592. What were you doing out here? What was that noise?

593. - What are you up to now? - Nothing.

594. Bet you're looking for Ramona, aren't you?

595. - No. - You're rooting around for Ramona.

596. I'm not rooting around. She wanted to talk.

597. She wanted to talk?

598. Well, actually, I wanted to talk to someone.

599. You wanna talk to me?

600. Sure.

601. Come on. Inside.

602. Grab a seat, I'll fix us some coffee.

603. I feel terrible about your eye.

604. Couldn't be helped.

605. What are you doing with all that stuff on?

606. I was gonna take a dive in the swamp, try to locate my truck and airplane.

607. I remember Mrs. Warren used to bake bread in this kitchen.

608. I could smell the bread all the way over at my house.

609. - Instant okay? - Yeah.

610. Better get that fixed.

611. - Strong? - Well, not too.

612. - I gotta rinse this out. - And waste that coffee?

613. I'll just put it someplace until I wash out the cup.

614. Sit down, Earl.

615. - I just want to... - Sit down.

616. Now, just put the coffee powder back in the cup.

617. - Can I wash my hand? - No.

618. I thought you came over here to talk.

619. I like mine tepid and black. How about you?

620. Same.

621. Now you take back that cup you keep switching, Earl. Or it'll be pump city.

622. Well, it makes no difference to me.

623. So.

624. Here we are.

625. It's about your daughter, Elaine, isn't it?

626. I thought so.

627. I'd say you got a real problem there, Earl.

628. What are you talking about? What do you mean?

629. Drugs. I can tell.

630. That spaced-out look.

631. Used to see it in dust cases the state police brought in...

632. when I was Night Custody Chief at Oakville Mental.

633. Yeah, she's got the dries. She always keeps licking her lips.

634. - She was dying for a fix. - She has never taken drugs in her life.

635. - Never! - Well, it was just a wild guess.

636. They think she stole a ring at school. I just can't believe it.

637. Is that all? I thought there was some kind of major catastrophe.

638. She's been expelled, for God's sake.

639. I can think of a problem that's more important...

640. and you, as a parent, are ignoring it.

641. What?

642. What is Elaine doing about sex? Is she getting probed?

643. That was very foolish, Earl. And it could get you snuffed!

644. Why do I keep getting sucked into these degrading conversations?

645. Why should I assume that suddenly you'll turn into a human being?

646. Both you or Ramona.

647. Enid?

648. - Yes, Earl? - Why is this door locked?

649. Is that the dog? Enid, is that goddamn dog in there?

650. It's all right. He's housebroken. Almost.

651. What the hell is going on in there?

652. Enid? Do you realize how this looks?

653. Should have slipped it through the mail slot while you had the chance, Earl.

654. This is going to take explaining, Enid. A helluva lot of explaining.

655. - Daddy, what's the matter? - Nothing.

656. - I was talking to your mother. - Through the door?

657. - It wasn't very important. Go to sleep. - I just got up.

658. Okay, then do that, then.

659. How about this? Beautiful morning, huh?

660. Somebody really did a number on your front end here.

661. Not to worry. I know a gypsy in the city does cheap bodywork.

662. Somebody wrote something here, too. Said "pimp wagon."

663. You know who wrote that.

664. Why would I let anybody write on your car?

665. I gotta use this buggy today, to get us breakfast.

666. - Breakfast? - Yeah.

667. - Just you and me? - Yeah. Right. Who needs the women?

668. You know, personally, I think if it'd just been us guys last night...

669. we wouldn't have had any trouble. - Really?

670. I know women, upside down and backwards...

671. which is not a bad way to know them, huh?

672. I guess so. Say, what does that say on your arm?

673. - "Born to party." - It's the way I live, babe. Have a cigar.

674. You ever seen one of these?

675. Wow.

676. You know what you and I need?

677. - A boys' night out. - Yeah.

678. - You fool around? - Yeah, sure.

679. Good. Keep it under your hat. I'm gonna get us breakfast.

680. I hope you like blueberry pancakes and sausage.

681. - That's what you're getting. - Sounds great.

682. Not the way I fix them.

683. Get your foot off the gas!

684. Well, watch the lever. Put your...!

685. Stop. Pull up, you jerk. Back up.

686. What...?

687. Stop it. Watch where you're going. Stop. Would you stop? You stupid shit!

688. I ought to crush your head with a mallet.

689. The kid's an animal. You got the keys?

690. It's not my truck. The owner went to get breakfast.

691. I hear you got a whore in there.

692. - Who told you that? - I heard.

693. - Well you heard wrong. - Ain't got a whore?

694. - No. - Know where to find one?

695. - Of course not. - If one shows up, you let me know?

696. Careful. That mother freaking snap back between...

697. your legs and lash your whacker off something fierce.

698. Well.

699. It doesn't look too bad, does it? I don't think we'll have to tow it away.

700. Am I right?

701. You the bastard that mouthed off to my Dad last night?

702. He smashed my car and he punched me in the stomach.

703. Oh, yeah?

704. How would you like your nuts nailed to your forehead, huh?

705. Hey. Leave that wart-head alone. Come on, we got cesspools to suck.

706. Okay, Dad.

707. You're lucky.

708. I gotta go help my Dad now. But I'll be back.

709. Hey, Vic. They got your truck.

710. Looks as good as new. Not a scratch on it.

711. Well, where's breakfast?

712. Not a scratch?

713. The rear axle's broken.

714. Well, I'll get it fixed. It's only fair.

715. - Forget it. Give it a decent burial. - You don't want your truck?

716. You don't get it, do you?

717. I'm moving. Away.

718. Moving? What do you mean, moving? You haven't been here 24 hours yet.

719. - What's wrong? - I don't know. That swamp.

720. In the summer, it must be a swing club for mosquitoes.

721. The county sprays once a year. It's no problem.

722. And that thing. Those lines, they're far too close to the house.

723. It's common knowledge they cause hair loss, lumbar ecstimiosis...

724. post cortical lesions and impotency.

725. It's just a myth.

726. The power company wouldn't put them up if they were dangerous.

727. Of course, it's your right to move, I guess.

728. But as far as I'm concerned, I'd honestly like you to stay.

729. You would?

730. Well, to tell you the truth...

731. I haven't got any friends around here.

732. I mean it. As crazy as last night was...

733. even though I hated your guts through most of it...

734. I really had...

735. a good time.

736. Good time.

737. I can't remember a better time on any Friday night I've ever had.

738. Neither can I.

739. I bet Ramona doesn't wanna move, does she?

740. She's not moving. You can have her. She's all paid for.

741. This is another joke. Of course you're gonna take your wife.

742. She might come in handy.

743. - Who says she's my wife? - She's not your wife?

744. - Whose wife is she? - I couldn't care less.

745. If you want her, she's yours. With my compliments.

746. Well, I gotta pack. It's been nice knowing you.

747. Enid. Open this door.

748. It's open.

749. Where's Enid?

750. What the hell's going on in here? Why was that door locked before?

751. Where's my wife?

752. She's your wife.

753. Oh, yeah? Well, you know what Vic just told me?

754. - What? - He's moving.

755. Moving away. And leaving you here.

756. He said I could have you. What do you think about that?

757. - Sounds exciting. - I'm serious.

758. So am I.

759. For God's sake, Ramona, cover yourself.

760. Come on.

761. - People just don't do this kind of thing. - But we could.

762. Don't worry about Enid.

763. She's not around. We won't be disturbed.

764. Come on, before it gets cold.

765. I can't.

766. I know. You're worried about Vic.

767. No, I'm not worried about Vic.

768. - He's next door packing. - All right, baby.

769. - Baby, watch it. All right, sweetheart. - Oh, boy.

770. One time. All right. All right, sweetie.

771. Pull out, babe, pull out. All right.

772. All right. Looking good.

773. Pull out, babe, pull out. All right.

774. Jesus, what a case.

775. Two minutes ago, he said he was moving away.

776. I think Vic was right about you.

777. About what?

778. He said up is definitely not your direction.

779. - Is that what he said? - Yeah.

780. Okay, we'll just see about that.

781. That's my little sweetheart. All right.

782. All right, dive, baby, dive. Let's see a screaming dive. All right.

783. - Hi, neighbor. - Hi.

784. Now, I'm just gonna go under the covers and take a little inventory.

785. - Promise you won't go away. - I promise.

786. What beautiful performance. Beautiful. Watch that mixture, watch that mixture.

787. All right, all right.

788. All right, that's my sweetie. Good, climb, baby, climb.

789. Come on, Earl.

790. I can't concentrate. It's Vic's plane.

791. That's it. Watch it. Watch that mixture, take it easy.

792. Good. He stopped.

793. Earl. Earl, come quick!

794. Where are you, are you upstairs? Earl?

795. - Vic, what happened? - We're losing the house, babe.

796. Vic's house is on fire.

797. Did you call the fire department?

798. My phone's dead. Your phone's dead too.

799. Water, water.

800. Look. Look, there's no fire. It's a trick.

801. Oh, it was terrible.

802. I had her up to 100 feet. Everything was great.

803. Then the controls jammed.

804. I think it was that tower.

805. - My signal couldn't get to the servos. - Poor baby.

806. The motor cut out. I knew it was in the soup.

807. She went into a vertical spin, hit the power lines, bounced up.

808. And then she climbed 300 feet.

809. You should've seen her. She was magnificent.

810. She just sort of stopped and hung there.

811. Then she nosed over and came straight down into my attic.

812. - The fuel pods exploded in seconds. - Jesus.

813. I stamped on the flames, and everything spread so fast.

814. That old house is like a matchbox.

815. If you hadn't had the keys to the car, he could have driven to a phone.

816. - What about his truck? - You broke his rear axle, Daddy.

817. All right, here, then. It works.

818. Go ahead. Call the fire department.

819. You see, he won't even use the phone.

820. This is just another one of his cheap tricks.

821. Isn't that right, Vic?

822. Look at him, Enid.

823. You're fawning all over a fake, a phoney and a fraud.

824. - Hey, brother, how about a beer? - No, thank you.

825. Look at that thing go.

826. - What's wrong with the water? - No pressure. Can't you see?

827. - Well, what can we do about it? - I know what we can do.

828. - What? - Get some marshmallows.

829. Enid. Elaine.

830. Relax. They're all gone. They left in your car.

831. Elaine had a key.

832. Vic made a trade.

833. All of them for me.

834. It's been less than 24 hours since you and Vic moved in next door.

835. - It seems like years. - A lot has happened.

836. You gonna miss Vic?

837. Vic?

838. I don't know.

839. He was fantastic in bed.

840. Until I got in it.

841. You know, it's really great that you can...

842. admit things like that in your relationship.

843. You're really wonderful.

844. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

845. Is it so hard having your fantasies come to life?

846. There's not a single living thing left on this road...

847. except you and me.

848. You know what we're gonna do now, Earl, just you and me?

849. What?

850. Have breakfast. Are you hungry?

851. I'm starving, but there's no food in the house.

852. Well, if you have ketchup and hot water...

853. I could make you tomato soup.

854. Hey.

855. I got a better idea. We'll go to the city. We'll go anyplace you like.

856. What kind of food? French, Spanish, fish?

857. - I like Greek. - Greek. Great.

858. I know a great Greek restaurant.

859. - I'll go get a cab. I'll get ready... - Oh, Earl?

860. Yeah?

861. I know just who I want for dessert.

862. Ramona.

863. Ramona?

864. Ramona?

865. Ramona.

866. Surprise!

867. See, buddy, I got you breakfast.

868. Hey, Daddy, Vic brought my five favorite junk foods.

869. Elaine, get out the china. We'll inhale this poison on the good stuff.

870. - Where's all that plum sauce? - It's in here, it's in here. Wait a second.

871. Would you like some wine, Enid?

872. You know, I've been thinking, Enid.

873. For the past couple of years...

874. things around here have been...

875. stagnant.

876. Not uncomfortable, mind you, but...

877. changeless. Tedious.

878. Except for last night, with Vic and Ramona.

879. They're a sign. They're a revelation.

880. They're squeezing the maximum yield out of life.

881. Let's get back to the world of the living.

882. Let's move back to the city. Or move to the country.

883. I mean, this is neither.

884. What do you say?

885. I understand your restlessness, Earl.

886. But true change comes only from within.

887. - Would you pass the wine? - You feel it too?

888. Not a bit.

889. But I do think the city would be a good idea.

890. For you, in any case.

891. But I meant for both of us.

892. If we had the money...

893. I think I'd go back to school.

894. I'd like to...

895. intensify my Native American art studies.

896. We'll have the money. We'll sell the house.

897. Vic, here, will buy it. He's rolling in dough.

898. Why do you think he crashed his plane into his house and burned it down?

899. Why, Daddy?

900. For the insurance money. Right, Vic?

901. How much you have the old place insured for?

902. He didn't have any insurance.

903. He never does.

904. Of course he had insurance.

905. The bank wouldn't give him a mortgage without insurance.

906. He didn't have a mortgage.

907. You paid cash?

908. You rented?

909. Do you remember when your neighbor, Mrs. Warren...

910. moved to Riverside Nursing Home after her husband died?

911. Well, that's when we met her.

912. Vic used to dress her all the time.

913. Mrs. Warren would always ask for Vic.

914. Well, when she died...

915. the house was empty, so we moved in.

916. Vic said she wouldn't mind.

917. I said it was a steal.

918. This is really something.

919. You two ought to be on 60 Minutes.

920. Yeah, but now we don't have no place to live.

921. Daddy, they could live in my room.

922. Dick's invited me to Florida for a couple of weeks.

923. His mom won't be there. She said it's okay.

924. You stay out of this. You're not going anywhere and Dick is off-limits.

925. Maybe that's not a bad idea that Elaine had.

926. I mean, they could stay in the guest room.

927. I don't know. That room's loaded with a lot of furniture and junk.

928. If we did stay, we'd really need the big room, facing the road.

929. The master bedroom?

930. Hey, don't worry, we'd earn our keep around here.

931. How wonderful.

932. - No heavy yard work, though. - Hernia.

933. Well, I don't know, it is my bedroom.

934. I kind of have a sentimental attachment to it.

935. I'll tell you what.

936. With a scrub-down and some carpentry...

937. we could make conditions livable in the garage.

938. Garage, huh?

939. Right. That's it, then. Ramona, let's hit the road.

940. Please. Look, I was just kidding.

941. I want you to stay. Both of you. You're worth it.

942. Please stay.

943. As my friends.

944. Please.

945. Stay here, in the outer limits of the dead-end zone?

946. Nothing personal, but life at the end of the road...

947. just ain't for Captain Vic and Empress Ramona.

948. Sorry, folks, but you can color us gone.

949. Boy, they were neat.

950. They were beyond neat.

951. They were extraordinary...

952. unique...

953. special.

954. Earl, can you write me a check?

955. I'm gonna need some money this week.

956. - How much? - How much is in the account?

957. I don't know.

958. Where's the checkbook?

959. The checkbook!

960. - I'm hungry again. You wanna eat? - Oh, yeah.

961. Hold it. Hold it right there, folks.

962. All right.

963. Let me have it.

964. What are you talking about now, Earl?

965. My checkbook. Not that there's any money left in my account.

966. That's what you think of me?

967. I take your hospitality, I break bread with your family.

968. You still think I'd rob you?

969. Look, just give me the checkbook.

970. I'm not even gonna talk about the $32 you stole from me last night...

971. when you were supposed to get dinner...

972. and cooked that bogus spaghetti meal instead.

973. Your checkbook.

974. It's on the table in the hall, next to your wallet.

975. My wallet! Enid? Look on the table in the hall.

976. Do you see my wallet and checkbook there?

977. Elaine, get ready to call the police.

978. Oh, Earl.

979. Hey. Kojak.

980. How much is left in the account?

981. There's $310 left in the account.

982. Vic spent $17 on pants and a shirt from Goodwill.

983. And there's a receipt here for $32...

984. from Mr. Fong's Fast Chow.

985. Do you want me to call the National Guard now, Daddy?

986. - Elaine, get the car. - What for?

987. Just do as I ask.

988. Please.

989. Give me the wallet.

990. All right, now...

991. I don't want any argument about this.

992. This is the least I can do after all the trouble I've put you two through.

993. I just hope that someday you can forgive me.

994. - Here. - What's that?

995. It's his vehicle registration.

996. He just signed over his car to us.

997. Really, Earl?

998. Yes. It's all yours.

999. I... I want you to have it...

1000. because, well...

1001. Because I just want you to have it...

1002. and to get safely to wherever you're going.

1003. And, maybe, time and again, you might think about your old neighbors...

1004. here on Burt Street.

1005. What's happening, Daddy?

1006. Your old man just gave me his car, honey.

1007. - I don't know what to say. - Oh, you don't have to say anything.

1008. It doesn't seem enough.

1009. Oh, Earl.

1010. You are the best.

1011. Hey, come on. Take it easy, super stud.

1012. You make me look bad.

1013. So make sure you take care of my little Burt Street beauties.

1014. - I'll try. - All right.

1015. Some time we had, huh?

1016. Don't drive too long. You haven't had much sleep.

1017. Remember those shots I took at you last night?

1018. Yeah, I remember.

1019. Come here.

1020. I knew it was you. That's why I missed.

1021. Thanks, Vic.

1022. Oh, I almost forgot. Check the sticker on the door panel.

1023. She'll need an oil change in about 1000 miles.

1024. Use Wolf's Head Golden 30-weight.

1025. It'll never let you down.

1026. Thanks, buddy.

1027. Okay, pal.

1028. - Bye, folks. - Goodbye.

1029. Oh, we'll miss you. I wish you weren't going.

1030. - Don't forget to write, huh? - Bye.

1031. Be cool, guys.

1032. And now back to our afternoon feature...

1033. Redstone Romance, starring Clive Brecker...

1034. Marjorie Crane and Sky Saxon.

1035. Hey, Dad, thanks. It was far-out. Bye.

1036. - Where you going? - Back to school.

1037. Back to school? I thought you got kicked out of school?

1038. Connie Schiff confessed. They threw her out and cleared me.

1039. Oh, that's my ride. I gotta go or I'll miss the train. Bye, Dad.

1040. - Elaine, I don't want you in that truck! - I can't hear you, Dad.

1041. I'll call you next week. Don't forget to mail my allowance. Bye.

1042. See you later, wart-head.

1043. Bye, Daddy.

1044. Where are you going?

1045. Oh, I have an emergency meeting of my Native American art study circle.

1046. - Where'd that getup come from? - It was a present.

1047. Oh, that must be Mr. Thundersky.

1048. - Mr. Thundersky? - My ride.

1049. - Who the hell is that? - Don't wait up. Bye.

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1051. For over 50 years, West Valley families have trusted Spruce Hill...

1052. with the interment and care of their loved ones.

1053. Now, Spruce Hill Park and Spruce Hill Monuments...

1054. join to offer you a modern concept in funeral aftercare.

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1056. Spruce Hill now introduces an exclusive...

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1058. Spruce Hill's above ground entombment utilizes a method called...

1059. uniform Plexiglas enclosure.

1060. It ensures permanent preservation...

1061. so your loved ones will be able to see clearly and vividly...

1062. the object of their grief, forever.

1063. Visit Spruce Hill's Above ground display chamber.

1064. The time to choose your case is now.

1065. Ramona!

1066. I see you still have the same old wallpaper.

1067. Hey.

1068. You two make a sharp couple.

1069. You wouldn't believe it. It happened at the same time.

1070. Vic stared at me. I stared at him. We both knew it was wrong.

1071. It's just not gonna be any fun without you.

1072. Honest? Does that mean you'll stay?

1073. - We've got plenty of room. - No, no. We're past that.

1074. - You're coming with us. - Really?

1075. Me come with you? No, you don't mean it.

1076. Sure we mean it. It'll be a blast.

1077. Come on, let's go. We're getting old.

1078. - The dishwasher's on. - It'll stay on.

1079. All right, damn it. You're on. Let's do it.

1080. This is crazy, but there's something so right about it. Let's go.

1081. - Hold it. Not so fast, pal. - What?

1082. Don't you think you should leave a note for Enid?

1083. You're right. In fact, I'll leave a little more than just a note.

1084. No, no, no. Up front, right next to Captain Vic.

1085. - Where are we going? - How should I know?

1086. You tell me. I'm just driving.

1087. - Off into the land of the great unknown. - Look.

1088. You weren't kidding. You really are leaving a little more than a note.

1089. Well, Enid never did like to come home to a dark house.