Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult (1994)

Directed by Peter Segal

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Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin • Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer • George Kennedy as Ed Hocken • O.J. Simpson as Nordberg • Fred Ward as Rocco • Kathleen Freeman as Muriel • Anna Nicole Smith as Tanya

Frank Drebin is persuaded out of retirement to go undercover in a state prison. There he has to find out what top terrorist, Rocco, has planned for when he escapes. Adding to his problems, Frank's wife, Jane, is desperate for a baby.....................

United States of America • Comedy • Crime

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1. Hey, look! It's the President!

2. And the Pope!

3. Yee-aah! Yah!

4. Ooh-la-la-la-la-la!

5. Oh, my God! Look! It's disgruntled postal workers!

6. Wait a minute! Give me my baby back!

7. Aah! Aah!

8. - Frank! Are you all right? - I'm soaking wet.

9. - I'll get the talcum powder. - No, I had a nightmare.

10. There was crime all around me. I couldn't stop it.

11. - It was just a dream. - You're right.

12. All I need is a good rest. In the morning everything'll be fine.

13. How's my little boy?

14. Getting along okay, sweetie?

15. As well as a heterosexual can in prison.

16. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

17. - How's Tanya? - Tanya's the same.

18. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips,

19. firm buttocks, ample breasts,

20. ears you want to stick your tongue into.

21. Ma! I'll get guy cramps!

22. Sorry. Rocco, there's somebody here to see you.

23. Papshmir.

24. My people are very upset.

25. They're always upset. They're Arab terrorists.

26. Ma, please.

27. You're supposed to be the best terrorist bomber in the world.

28. Stations, stores, government buildings...

29. The devastation in Florida.

30. - That was Hurricane Andrew. - That's what they told the public.

31. We wanted to embarrass the United States,

32. and you made the police look like international heroes.

33. A first-class job costs 5 million.

34. If you want to step up to the price,

35. I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed.

36. That's a big target, but why should I think anything would be different?

37. $5 million buys me.

38. - I'm breaking out of here. - All right,

39. but fail this time and my people won't be so forgiving.

40. Fail? Show me one man who can stop me.

41. I used to be a renegade

42. I used to fool around

43. But I couldn't take the punishment

44. I had to settle down

45. Now I'm playing it real straight

46. And yes, I cut my hair...

47. PA: Attention shoppers. Be sure to check out our special on aisle 7.

48. It's hip to be square...

49. PA: That's aisle 7.

50. Hey!

51. Give it to me!

52. My purse! Somebody help me!

53. I want the purse, lady. Help me!

54. He's a jolly good fellow

55. For he's a jolly good fellow

56. Which nobody can deny

57. Hear! Hear!

58. Well, we shot a lot of people together. It's been great.

59. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now,

60. it'll have to be within the confines of my own home.

61. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.

62. Well, Ed.

63. - I officially give you my gun. - Aw...

64. And my badge.

65. And...

66. Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir.

67. - Oh, gee... - Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye.

68. It's just I won't ever see you again.

69. Oh, Frank.

70. My purse! Somebody help me!

71. Out of the way.

72. Lieutenant Drebin! Frank! Didn't you see that?

73. What? Oh, yes. Kitty litter.

74. Two bags for a dollar. Great.

75. Order. The jury will disregard that statement. Continue, Counsellor.

76. Alimony had been set by the court. Right, Mr. Clayton?

77. Yes, but...

78. But not once have you paid alimony to my client,

79. repeatedly defying a court order.

80. I lost her address. She moved twice, I couldn't keep up.

81. Don't lie to me. You're under oath.

82. Do you know the penalty for perjury?

83. I'll ask that again.

84. Objection! Your Honor, I... ow, ow.

85. Jeez!

86. - Counsel is leading the witness. - Sustained.

87. Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding when she's in session.

88. Please read the prosecution's last statement.

89. "Don't lie to me. You're under oath."

90. - (BURP) - There.

91. "Do you know the penalty for perjury?"

92. That's all I have, Your Honor.

93. You may continue, Ms. Spencer-Drebin.

94. Er... prosecution rests.

95. Defense, Ms. Davis-Jacob-Steiner-Laszlo?

96. No further questions, Your Honor.

97. Court will recess until after the morning feed.

98. We're gonna win this. I can feel it.

99. Yes. Of course.

100. I married the wrong man.

101. I never thought that was possible.

102. - I beg your pardon? - Oh, nothing.

103. Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man.

104. You just have to work at it.

105. Now, let's see. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right?

106. Now, you two have been married for six months?

107. Yes. We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor.

108. You were recommended by our last therapist.

109. Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.

110. You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot

111. and not get caught up in blame.

112. Now, which one of you is impotent?

113. - That would be him. - Yes, of course.

114. - Why don't you ask who's frigid? - That would be him, also.

115. - How do you know? You're never home. - He resents that I work.

116. He has no idea what a woman wants.

117. You're so insensitive.

118. - Is this the toilet seat thing? - It's babies, Frank.

119. I want to have a baby. Whenever we make love, you get a headache.

120. I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying.

121. I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books,

122. things that vibrate.

123. - Frank! - Maybe it's your fault.

124. Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?

125. I've worn them all. They don't work.

126. Oh.

127. Why don't you want a child?

128. Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year-old Korean girl?

129. Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest.

130. Make tonight a special night.

131. Dinner, wine, romantic music.

132. Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station.

133. Just be Jane and Frank, lovers.

134. We haven't had a night like that in a long time.

135. - Not together. - Frank?

136. Jane...

137. Having a baby is a big responsibility.

138. It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.

139. I'm just frightened.

140. Frank, let's make tonight something special.

141. Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much.

142. My little lover sparrow.

143. My puppy-wuppy wover.

144. My little love biscuit.

145. My little shnooky-wookums.

146. My little lady cheesy puppy.

147. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please. I'm diabetic. I think you should go now.

148. I never thought we'd end this way.

149. How did you think we'd end?

150. I don't know.

151. Some other way.

152. Oh, Jason.

153. Ed! Nordberg! It's been a long time.

154. Hiya, Frank! You look terrific!

155. Thank you. The little woman got me a Thighmaster.

156. Where are my manners? Come on in.

157. How charming!

158. Sit, sit.

159. Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day.

160. I just frosted some cupcakes.

161. - Would you care for one? - Oh, not just now.

162. Frank, we have a problem with a terrorist threat.

163. - Police Squad is certain... - I'd love a cupcake.

164. - That coffee smells great. - I grind my own beans.

165. Frank, the reason we're here is that we need your help.

166. It's great!

167. I hoped you'd like them. Made them from scratch.

168. I'll just get off my feet.

169. We may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt.

170. These were taken by a news photographer.

171. - This girl was the diversion. - We had them enlarged.

172. They look familiar.

173. No, the pin, she's a nurse.

174. Can I keep this one?

175. We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood.

176. - She's Tanya Peters. - Tanya Peters?

177. - You know her? - Don't you remember in the 1970s?

178. The big disco shoot-out.

179. Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

180. I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

181. The music loud, the women warm

182. I've been kicked around since I was born

183. But it's all right, I'm OK

184. You may look the other way

185. We can try to understand...

186. Ed, what's happening, my man?

187. Frank, we missed you last night at the fondue party.

188. I went to see the Village People. They're a stone soul gas, man.

189. - I can dig it. - What have we got here?

190. One dead disco dancer.

191. Bummer. What a mindbender, huh?

192. We think it was a love triangle.

193. This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters.

194. Cigarette?

195. Yes, I know.

196. Well, we'll need a statement from you down at the station.

197. Nordberg!

198. Coming, Lieutenant!

199. I do remember.

200. You were one of the first test cases for minoxidil, weren't you?

201. - What? - I'm glad I could help.

202. Now, I've got some lamb to put in the oven.

203. We need a favor.

204. It's not that big a roast, Nordberg.

205. No, not that, Frank.

206. We need you to go undercover at the clinic.

207. Whoa! I've given up police work, Ed.

208. You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods.

209. - We're in a bind, Frank. - What about Hedges and O'Malley?

210. They're in Hawaii. Together.

211. Well, I can't. Jane and I have a special evening planned.

212. You'll be home in time to make dinner.

213. I'd have to make pork chops.

214. Frank, think of all the crime out there.

215. Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane.

216. You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world.

217. And you haven't shot anybody in months.

218. That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.

219. Might be good to feel that cold, hard steel

220. pressed against my thigh once again.

221. The thrill of the chase, to be a man.

222. After folding the laundry, I went to the Karlson Clinic.

223. It's always important to have a disguise

224. and this operation was no different.

225. I had no idea if Tanya would recognize me,

226. so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses

227. and combed my hair differently.

228. The plan was to get in,

229. get information about Tanya's link with the bombing,

230. and get out as quickly as possible.

231. I figured faking an old football injury would do the trick.

232. - Can I help you? - I'd like to see a doctor, please.

233. Sign in here, please.

234. - Do you have an appointment, Mr... - Er, Smith. No, I don't.

235. Take a number.

236. Six.

237. - What? - Is six taken?

238. Does it have to be between 1 and 10?

239. You'll be called.

240. Thank you.

241. Mr. Smith?

242. We've had a cancellation. We can take you now.

243. Good morning, Mr. Smith. This way.

244. I really appreciate your seeing me like this.

245. I'm sure it won't take too long.

246. When did you notice the problem?

247. Uh, in the back yard with my uncle.

248. In the back yard with your uncle?

249. Yes. When he comes over to visit,

250. we like to go in the back yard, throw it around for a while.

251. What did you and your uncle find out?

252. I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt, especially on the long ones.

253. I can't seem to straighten it out.

254. It has no feeling. It's kind of numb.

255. I may have yanked it too much.

256. - If you would. - For what?

257. - A sperm count. - In here?

258. It's not exactly the back yard, but it'll do.

259. Well...

260. (ZIP)

261. (ZIP)

262. Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork.

263. Sign these at the bottom and leave them with the nurse.

264. - This way, please. - What?

265. - Number 17. - Oh, no.

266. - A problem? - No, no.

267. - This is 17. - Have we met before?

268. If you'll excuse me, I'm next.

269. Ooh! Aah!

270. Agh! Eurgh!

271. - Sir? - Aah!

272. Mr. Smith, how are we doing?

273. I've been busy.

274. - Do you want a videotape to help? - Do you have Dances With Wolves?

275. Rocketeer? Lady And The Tramp?

276. An adult movie.

277. Hmm...

278. Ooh! Aah! Yeow!

279. The tape was very entertaining.

280. Follow me.

281. Do you have Spartacus?

282. PA: Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7.

283. Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7. Stat.

284. - What are you doing? - Just freshening up.

285. You should look your best even though you're by yourself.

286. Are you sure we've never met?

287. Here's my cup. Back to work.

288. - Knocking. - Mr. Smith?

289. - Are you okay in there? - I could use a little help.

290. PA: Dr. Rosenblatt, foreplay in room 7, please.

291. Dr. Rosenblatt.

292. Honey, I've been waiting all day.

293. I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon.

294. Tonight's going to be special.

295. I'm going to make love to you for hours and hours.

296. Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that?

297. - Hours? - Like our first time together.

298. Jane, why don't I soak in the tub for a couple of days?

299. Possibly a week.

300. You're so cute.

301. Let me go get the oysters and clams.

302. Walk my way

303. And a thousand violins

304. Begin to play

305. Or it might be the sound

306. Of your hello

307. That music I hear

308. I get misty

309. The moment you're near

310. You can say

311. That you're leading me on...

312. Here.

313. I'll shave your back like last time.

314. Jane, I really don't think we should. I...

315. Frank! What's this?

316. I fell on a rake.

317. You're lying. Now I know why Ed's been calling.

318. - You're back on a case, aren't you? - No, I swear. It's another woman!

319. In your wildest dreams!

320. It's bad enough not having a baby, but I warned you about Police Squad,

321. you white Anglo male!

322. Jane! Ah! Jane!

323. It was nothing, Jane. I was doing Ed a small favor!

324. Some retirement. I'm leaving, Frank.

325. I never thought you'd go back on your word.

326. - Aren't you being hasty? - I don't think so.

327. - (DOORBELL) - That's my cab. I'll be at Louise's.

328. Oh, Frank, how could you? We need time apart to think about us.

329. I'm not going to think. Why start now? I love you.

330. Look, baby, I am what I am and I do what I do.

331. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod,

332. some make a living neutering animals.

333. - I'm a cop. - Pretty speech, Frank.

334. But my mind is made up. I'm leaving.

335. All right.

336. Then take this with you.

337. You know how my lips feel about things.

338. Goodbye, Frank.

339. You're listening to KSAD, all-depressing, all the time.

340. Here's a dedication to Frank from Jane, who just called from a taxi.

341. "Frank, you lying weasel-weenie.

342. "First you shoot blanks, now you're letting all the heat out... "

343. He said he'd never go back to police work. Once a cop, always a cop.

344. - He's married to his work. - You'll always come in second.

345. There was an article in Cosmo, "Why all men are pigs".

346. "Frank" is just another word for loser.

347. I never want to see him again.

348. I want to get as far away as possible.

349. We'll go to my friend's cabin by the smelting plant.

350. The fresh air will do you good.

351. Go easy. That's your second bottle of Chanel.

352. You're witnessing the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.

353. No more little miss perky, devoting her life to one man.

354. I'm out for the new me.

355. Let's burn rubber.

356. - Didn't forget anything, did you? - I hope not.

357. Just calm down, ma'am. How many bodies did you find in your pool?

358. Sir, killing a gang member's only an $18 fine. Just mail it in.

359. Frank! Glad you could make it!

360. - Welcome, buddy. - Nordberg.

361. Did you find Tanya's address, Frank?

362. I wrote it on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it.

363. - I'm getting a bit rusty. - It could happen to anybody.

364. I brought you some of Frank's never-fail fudge!

365. You go on about your business.

366. I'll stay out of your hair.

367. It'll be...

368. Frank, let me take that. We've got a surprise for you.

369. It's in honor of your 30 years on the force. Nordberg.

370. Oh, boy. This is really great.

371. Thank you, guys.

372. We thought it might cheer you up.

373. We heard about you and Jane.

374. Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.

375. Frank, I feel really bad about all of this.

376. If there's anything you need.

377. Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number?

378. Nordberg, put it together.

379. - Frank, you know we're here for you. - Thanks, Ed.

380. Well, look who's here. Hi, Frank. Nice to see you.

381. - I've got that data on the bomb. - What did you find out?

382. The explosive is a very fine powder.

383. - It tastes like... - That's fertilizer. Another case.

384. This is what I'm talking about.

385. We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerine.

386. - Can you tell us where it came from? - I'd be glad to.

387. Billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

388. Ted, I'm talking about the powder.

389. We don't know about that. Let me take that urine specimen.

390. We found a list of the bomber's plans at the scene.

391. On a hunch, we analyzed the paper.

392. - And you got something? - Yes.

393. The paper's from Statesville Prison.

394. - Are you sure? - Positive. We analyzed the wood fibers

395. and found them to be from the rare Canary Island pine,

396. which grows only in Oregon.

397. Contacting paper mills in that area

398. led us to a distribution centre in Tacoma.

399. Unfortunately, the trail ended there.

400. - How'd you trace it to the prison? - Right here on the letterhead.

401. After comparing handwriting of every known bomber

402. serving a stretch in Statesville,

403. we came up with a suspect. Rocco Dillon.

404. He's masterminding the bombings from inside the prison.

405. There's only one way to find out where Rocco will strike next.

406. We have to send someone in there.

407. - I'll do it. - I wouldn't feel right about that.

408. If Rocco thinks you're a cop, you might end up dead.

409. "You might end up dead" is my middle name.

410. What about Jane?

411. I don't know her middle name. I need the action.

412. I'm going inside the big house.

413. Frank, Ed. I think you might want to see this.

414. We're testing out a prototype for an anti-carjacking device.

415. We'll see how it works.

416. Get out!

417. Don't make me... Argh!

418. We call it the Denver jockstrap.

419. After being retired for six months, I was finally back in action.

420. Faster than saying "spread 'em", I was in Statesville Prison.

421. I was surrounded by pimps, rapists and murderers.

422. It was like being in the stands at an LA Raiders game.

423. It was going to take all my police experience just to stay alive here.

424. After a long and generous cavity search,

425. I reached my destination, Maximum Security

426. home of some of the most violent sociopaths in the country.

427. And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon.

428. All right, in here.

429. Ain't no prison yet could hold me.

430. Attica! Attica!

431. Power to the brothers! Kill whitey!

432. Kill whitey!

433. Knock it off!

434. You're chirping loud for a new canary.

435. Keep flashing the big eyes and I'll rotate your jaw.

436. Hey! You know who you talking to?

437. The man is Rocco Dillon.

438. - Where's your prison number? - It's unlisted.

439. Just call me Nick "The Slasher" McGirk.

440. Look, I'm the muscle in this pen. Just stay out of my way.

441. You just watch your step, McGirk.

442. Take it from me, this place changes a man.

443. Yeah? How?

444. I used to be white.

445. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.

446. Screw with me, he'll make you feel pain like never before.

447. I know. I remember the Osmonds.

448. - Better hit the rack, McGirk. - In a minute.

449. First I'm gonna make a list of who I'm gonna kill in the next few days.

450. Lights out. Lockdown in two minutes.

451. My dearest snooky wookums dumpling buns,

452. I miss you so much.

453. I haven't hurt this bad since the last time I was dumped.

454. I remember it well. Her name was Gabriella.

455. We were supposed to be married,

456. but on the day of our wedding, she never showed up.

457. I was heartbroken. I figured she had fallen for another man,

458. someone who could do to her what I never could.

459. I thought my life was over until that one glorious day.

460. That was the day you became my wife.

461. Our friends gathered to celebrate our love.

462. It seems like only yesterday.

463. We were all so overjoyed.

464. I remember wishing we could take everyone with us.

465. That was the happiest day of my life.

466. I remember the plans we made. Things were going to be so perfect.

467. We got that housekeeper you always wanted.

468. Hi, Mr. D. Hi, Mrs. D.

469. And I knew that eventually our dream would come true.

470. One day we'd have our own Frank Drebin Jr.

471. Shut up. I'm trying to get some sleep.

472. Nah, it's no use. She'll never come back.

473. You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain

474. Too much love drives a man insane

475. You broke my will, but what a thrill

476. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

477. I laughed at love cos I thought it was funny

478. You came along and moved me, honey

479. I changed my mind, this love is fine

480. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

481. Bend over and pick it up for me,

482. would you, lover?

483. No problem.

484. Rocco could tell from my escapade in the shower

485. that I was well-endowed with courage.

486. Now I had to get on the inside.

487. Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

488. (WHISPERS) Tyrone, I got the escape plans right here. Just you and me.

489. - Burnett wants in. - Burnett's one of the guards!

490. I know, but he's unhappy here.

491. All right, all right. Whatever.

492. Got it all worked out right here.

493. What's this? Another letter from your mommy?

494. - That's private! - Let's see what we have.

495. - Give the man back his letter. - Buzz off, butter cheeks.

496. What's so special about a little letter?

497. Wait a minute. An escape plan!

498. This is your ticket to another 20 years, Dillon.

499. If the warden gets one look at this...

500. Hey! You call this slop?

501. Real slop has got chunks in it!

502. This is more like gruel!

503. And this Chateau le Blanc '68

504. is supposed to be served slightly chilled!

505. This is room temperature! What do you think we are, animals?

506. No!

507. What are we?

508. Homo sapiens?

509. You're right! We are men! We are men!

510. We are men!

511. We are men!

512. We are men!

513. We are men!

514. Left hand blue. Whose hand is that?

515. Come on, son. You can do it. Eat some beans!

516. You saved my bacon, McGirk. I'd be in solitary if you hadn't done that.

517. I've been watching you. You handle yourself good.

518. - "Really well". - Whatever.

519. I got something big on the outside. I could use you in my gang.

520. - Dental plan? - Full coverage.

521. - What's the caper? - First we bust out.

522. Thanks to you, we still have our escape plan. Let's have it.

523. - It's a good plan. - I've had better.

524. Listen, I've got a fool-proof plan.

525. They got Tyrone.

526. Can't... Can't we all just get along?

527. Now that Tyrone was in solitary it was just me and Rocco.

528. He had to trust me.

529. 'Shh! Hold on.

530. (WHISPERING) Okay.

531. I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel.

532. It was that or go out in a laundry truck.

533. The thought of lying nose down in skid marks

534. didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

535. Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved

536. early in the construction.

537. Apart from some chafing, we made good progress.

538. We kept digging.

539. Dummies gave the impression we were still in our cell.

540. Lights out.

541. There was more dirt than I thought. Disposing of it was becoming tricky.

542. Safe!

543. Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall

544. If one of those bottles should happen to fall

545. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall

546. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall...

547. Where are you going?

548. - Are you thinking of Frank again? - They're playing our song.

549. I understand. Take your time.

550. - Hello there. - Excuse me.

551. I'm hauling a load of rice cakes to Big D. Coming with me?

552. No.

553. - How about a kiss? - No.

554. When a woman says no, she means yes.

555. - How about that kiss? - Yes.

556. No? I know your type. Come on, baby. We're two of a kind.

557. Oh, my God! You killed him!

558. It was an accident. Call the police.

559. Come to your senses. You killed a man. You're a hero to every woman.

560. We have to call Frank. He'll protect us.

561. Frank is a man. He'll see you locked away forever.

562. Jane, I want to join you, to help you kill as many men as possible.

563. Yipes!

564. Louise, do what you have to do. I'm calling Frank.

565. Oh, boy, did that hurt.

566. Be home, Frank. Answer the phone.

567. - (TELEPHONE PICKS UP) - Frank!

568. Hi, this is Frank. And Jane.

569. We're the Drebins. We're not home right now so leave a message!

570. Which button is it? Not that one!

571. "Tanya"? It was another woman. Frank wasn't lying.

572. "Honeymoon Bay Road." I bet they're alone there now!

573. Frank!

574. Cell inspection.

575. There's been a rumor of a possible breakout.

576. If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape,

577. they will be punished severely.

578. Once word of the escape was out, we headed for the tunnel.

579. The last few feet were dug on the run.

580. Another 47 yards would take us beyond the prison walls.

581. May he rest in peace, in the arms of our... Jesus Christ!

582. Amen.

583. Rocco had arranged for a car to meet us.

584. After making a slight adjustment

585. we arrived at the rendezvous point, a Los Angeles city high school.

586. Hey, that was close.

587. Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag? She take one in the face?

588. She's my mother.

589. Mrs. Dillon. Your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal.

590. - You must be proud of him. - I am.

591. I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" McGirk.

592. There's fresh clothes in the back.

593. Rocco's mom was quiet. I felt she didn't care for me coming along.

594. Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

595. Hey! Stop!

596. Oh, Frank.

597. It wasn't my fault. That cow shouldn't have been in the road.

598. Hurry up. You're letting the flies in.

599. - What do you think? - Great setup.

600. No phone, miles from the nearest town, Playboy channel. Perfect.

601. Nice digs. But I'm here for the action.

602. What is it? Bank, armored car, payroll?

603. You're getting a little bit too nosy, McGirk.

604. Relax, Ma.

605. - She's itching to use her new gun. - I know the feeling.

606. It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier.

607. I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out.

608. If she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf.

609. Come here, sexy.

610. You're all woman. I could tell by looking at you.

611. Hey, she's referring to me.

612. I was talking about your mother.

613. That's no way to be walking around. Get some clothes on.

614. And what are you doing in my bathing suit?

615. Hey, who's the stud?

616. Meet the newest member of our gang.

617. Slasher McGirk, meet Tanya Peters.

618. Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?

619. I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him.

620. I get it all the time. It's the underwear ads.

621. - Are you saying you're not a cop? - Well, yeah.

622. - That's good enough for me. - Me, too.

623. All right. I'm glad that's all cleared up.

624. Ma, why not kiss and make up?

625. Well, all right.

626. Now that's more like it.

627. Uh! Ow.

628. I had to get a message to Police Squad.

629. This was more than I could handle.

630. No phone, miles from civilization,

631. my prospects look bleaker than a gerbil's in a bathhouse.

632. Who's down there? Slasher.

633. Have you seen my pigeon?

634. - Pigeon? What pigeon? - What are you doing?

635. I'm just contemplating my next move.

636. Your bishop is exposed.

637. It's these pants. I usually wear a fuller cut.

638. You're all man. I like that in my men.

639. You're coming on to me big-time, sister,

640. but we got a problem.

641. - You're Jewish? - No. You're Rocco's girl.

642. In my book, that chapter's called "Look, But Don't Touch".

643. I could have two lovers.

644. Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball,

645. one-on-one, with as little dribbling as possible.

646. Oh, you're tense, Slasher.

647. Well, I could relax more if I knew about tomorrow.

648. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

649. All I know is it's downtown and big.

650. That's the way I like it.

651. - What else? - Just this.

652. What are you doing?

653. Thank you for the advice. I'll try that recipe, Miss Peters.

654. How could you?

655. Just shove your tongue in as far as you can.

656. Oh!

657. Quiet. You don't know me here.

658. That's a goodbye kiss, sister.

659. What's all this? Who's the skirt?

660. Just some dizzy dame. Probably broke down. I'll take her to the bus depot.

661. Hey, she's married. What if her husband comes looking?

662. - He must be a great guy. - He breaks promises.

663. Look at you, traipsing all over, just to spite him.

664. - He left me. - You left him.

665. - You should talk. - Listen to you.

666. - Listen to you. - Listen to you.

667. - Listen to you! - Listen to you!

668. Jeez, you two, knock it off!

669. - You'd think you're married! - What'll we do with her?

670. One thing's for sure. There's no room for her here.

671. - I say we bump her off. - Let's plug her here.

672. I've been on a job where I'd have given my eye teeth for a hostage.

673. We know women make the best hostages.

674. They're small, easy to move, eat less, smell nice.

675. Yeah, we got us an insurance policy.

676. Good thinking, kid. Now, let's get some shuteye.

677. We got a big day ahead of us.

678. All right, it's rigged.

679. Watch the tower, Slasher. This is what'll happen tonight.

680. Hey, aren't we far away?

681. Oh!

682. All right, pay attention.

683. On that tower's a device that's gonna net us 5 million bucks.

684. We're gonna detonate it this evening

685. at an event that the whole world will be watching.

686. - Your crowning achievement. - It's for both of us, Ma. All set!

687. Set!

688. Very impressive.

689. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool.

690. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool.

691. America will be brought to its knees by this terrorist act.

692. This will be more embarrassing to the US than Tonya Harding.

693. We're almost there. I don't wanna miss this. Regards to Mrs. Qaddafi.

694. Tell her thanks for the cookies.

695. PA: It's a beautiful night in Los Angeles,

696. and the stars are shining bright for the 66th Academy Awards.

697. Fans are clamoring to see their favorite celebrities.

698. It's Weird Al Yankovic and Vanna White.

699. Put the dame in the trunk. I'll meet you and Ma round back in 10 minutes.

700. Got the passes?

701. If we pull this off, it's 5 million big ones.

702. Not bad!

703. - What's going to happen to me? - I have an idea.

704. Right, Slasher. You know what to do.

705. Check the tires and fluid levels.

706. No, you muffin head, the dame. We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield.

707. PA: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the lifetime achievement award...

708. Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please.

709. Go to three. Ready, four.

710. This year's lifetime achievement award winner's credits

711. include some of the greatest moments on celluloid.

712. Films such as Sandals And Loincloth, 1958,

713. Sweaty Boatmen, 1959,

714. The Leather-clad Centurion, 1960,

715. and his first color feature in 1966,

716. Big Shiny Spears.

717. Okay, there's the man from Bryce Porterhouse.

718. He guards the envelopes until they're handed out. He won't budge.

719. You know what to do. Distract him so I can plant the bomb.

720. PA: Accepting the award for Mr Broncowitz is Margaret Redfeather.

721. That ought to do it.

722. You'll never get away with this.

723. Rocco will kill you, whoever you are.

724. Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

725. - Isn't that a unusual? - It's happened before.

726. - Here's the plan. - You'll never stop Rocco.

727. - Your chances are one in a million. - Better than any state lottery.

728. I'm the good guy. I can't let the bad guys win.

729. Our children can't be raised in fear.

730. They're going to blow that place sky high.

731. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.

732. Come on.

733. Does that radio work?

734. Call Police Squad. Tell them Frank Drebin...

735. Forget it.

736. (UPPER CLASS ACCENT) I wonder what the devil he wanted?

737. - Hold on. - Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

738. - Yeah, and I'm Robert de Niro. - Mr. de Niro, we must get inside.

739. You and 10,000 other people. Move along.

740. - Movie stars only. - Come on.

741. I've got a better idea.

742. Cue talent.

743. PA: To present the award for best supporting actress,

744. Mariel Hemingway and Elliott Gould.

745. Thank you.

746. The nominees for best supporting actress are,

747. Mary Lou Retton, Fatal Affair.

748. One woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat,

749. set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster.

750. Morgan Fairchild, Final Proposal.

751. One courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over bulimia,

752. set during the Donner Party crossing.

753. (POP)

754. Sorry about this, but it's official police business.

755. Shannen Doherty, Basic Analysis.

756. One woman's triumph over a yeast infection,

757. set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bills' season of 1991.

758. Thank you, Sheriff.

759. Still no word of Frank or Rocco's gang.

760. I'm worried. He should have called by now.

761. Let me just check your tickets.

762. - Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip? - Uh-huh.

763. Tim and Erica Brown. Okay, enjoy the show.

764. Let's see, Vanna White and Weird AI Yankovic.

765. Okay, enjoy the awards.

766. And three.

767. And Florence Henderson, Analysis Of A Proposal.

768. - Rocco could be anywhere. - Where could the bomb be?

769. - The winner is... - This is going to be dynamite.

770. - Jane! - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

771. Florence Henderson is going to win!

772. - No! The bomb's in the envelope. - You're right!

773. And the winner is...

774. Argh!

775. Mary Lou Retton for Fatal Affair.

776. Yes! Yes!

777. Sorry. We were rooting for Florence Henderson.

778. We must get those envelopes before they open any more.

779. Yes!

780. I never realized there'd be so many.

781. They added 75 new categories.

782. "Best actor in a Columbus movie"?

783. PA: To present the award for best director,

784. Raquel Welch and the host of his own talk show, Phil Donahue.

785. That might be the envelope with the bomb. Keep looking.

786. One more second, Mr. Donahue.

787. Oh, my God! Look at Donahue!

788. Stop the stairs, Joey!

789. Thank you.

790. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present...

791. What the hell?

792. Jesus! - Go to commercial.

793. Easy, now. Talk to me. What happened, Ma?

794. Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad.

795. That lousy, two-bit, copper punk!

796. I treat him like my brother, the one I didn't kill.

797. - He might find the bomb. - Not if I find him first.

798. PA: Back from commercial in five seconds.

799. Hurry with the mike and cue Donahue.

800. Read the card, moron.

801. "Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening. Phew!

802. "I can barely catch my breath. Turn it over to Raquel.

803. "I'm used to being out of breath... "

804. What the hell?

805. "Hold for laughter and applause. To Phil.

806. "Gets me out of breath just watching. To Raquel... "

807. I read that.

808. "But let's get to the subject at hand. Pick up the envelope. "

809. The nominees for best director are...

810. Sir Richard Attenborough for his musical

811. on the life of Mother Teresa, Mother.

812. Food! I love food

813. And I'm really in the mood

814. For a big corn dog or pupu platter

815. Two ding-dongs, have some tuna helper

816. I'll be racing back for more

817. But don't add any salsa cos I'll blow chunks on the floor

818. Ooh

819. Ooh

820. Yahoo

821. Spike Lee, X II, The Merchandising.

822. Nordberg, look! That's Frank at the Academy Awards.

823. - How'd he get tickets? - Nordberg!

824. That's where Rocco is going to strike next.

825. He's planning to blow up the Academy Awards.

826. - We've got to go. - We're not invited. We're cops.

827. It's for you.

828. Nordberg, Police Squad. Hello? Hello?

829. Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.

830. And now, today's lucky lotto numbers.

831. Get your tickets ready. 12, 22, 18, and 9.

832. And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community

833. Steven Spielberg, Geriatric Park.

834. The winner is...

835. Raquel, just a second. I just had a thought.

836. Christ!

837. This show is being seen all over the world.

838. If we could send good thoughts,

839. transmit them through these cameras, to the leader of China.

840. Wing Wa Woo Tong,

841. so that they might finally be nice.

842. Thank you.

843. And the winner is...

844. Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation.

845. Yet, cat food's full of tuna.

846. I can't help thinking each time I go to the zoo

847. and see those porpoises crammed into tiny tanks,

848. what a waste that is.

849. Butcher half of them now.

850. Hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that could be fed to cats,

851. freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.

852. - And the winner is... - So many are cold,

853. shivering in the night.

854. I say take those cats and skin them.

855. Use their fur to keep hundreds warm.

856. Jesus, Phil!

857. And the winner is...

858. Give me that!

859. Ohh!

860. - Not one move. - That barrel's cold.

861. It's room temperature.

862. It's okay. It's not the bomb.

863. Jane?

864. Jane?

865. Jane?

866. - Silver hair. - About 6'2".

867. Looked like Phil Donahue.

868. - That's the guy! - Get him!

869. PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

870. please welcome internationally renowned singing star, Pia Zadora.

871. You're walkin' along the street

872. Or you're at a party,

873. There he is! Stop him.

874. Excuse me. Isn't that snot on your shoe?

875. I'll stay here. You check the wings.

876. that this could be the start of somethin' big...

877. Oh, no! Not him again? Please, God.

878. Who knows what's written in that magic book?

879. But when a lover you discover

880. At the gate, my friend

881. Invite him in without a second look

882. You're watchin' the sun come up

883. Or countin' your...

884. Grab him!

885. I'm Ed Hocken. This is Officer Nordberg.

886. - We're here to prevent a disaster. - You're too late.

887. You're watchin' the sun...

888. Frank!

889. Or countin' your money

890. Or else in a dim cafe

891. You're orderin' wine

892. Then suddenly there he is

893. You want to be where he is...

894. Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get Frank.

895. the start of somethin'

896. This could be the heart of somethin'

897. This could be the start of somethin'

898. Big

899. Ohh!

900. Jane!

901. Jane!

902. I knew I'd bump into you. I want answers, cherry cakes.

903. - I love you. - Wrong answer.

904. I dropped out of the sap of the month club.

905. Listen, you've got one last chance.

906. And I don't mean a major league baseball Steve Howe last chance.

907. - Where is Jane? - I don't know.

908. - Where's the bomb? - In the Best Picture envelope.

909. Mr. Drebin, I want to go straight.

910. I'm tired of the lies.

911. Kiss me. Please kiss me.

912. I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure.

913. He looked like Phil Donahue, white hair...

914. - That's the guy! - I'll get him.

915. PA: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the Best Picture award,

916. two most distinguished actors,

917. Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones.

918. Lord, what's that?

919. Looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba.

920. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.

921. Thank you. Good evening.

922. It's a privilege for us to present the final award...

923. We've been worried about you. Where's Rocco? Where's Tanya?

924. - Sit down. Take it easy. - Thank God you're all right.

925. Indecent Instincts and Sawdust And Mildew.

926. Every one of these movies was a box office hit, except for one.

927. - What's that? - The Best Picture award.

928. My money's on Sawdust And Mildew.

929. Olympia, would you do the honors?

930. Oh, my God! That's the one!

931. The award for this year's Best Picture goes to...

932. Wait!

933. Oh!

934. Sorry about this. Loved you in Coneheads. You, too.

935. Let me open this.

936. It's the bomb!

937. Freeze and nobody gets hurt!

938. Well, from now on.

939. Back in your seats, you little weasels!

940. This program's been interrupted.

941. Don't panic. Stay with it.

942. Camera 2, move in on the old lady.

943. Better move back.

944. - Don't move! - MA: Now, pay attention!

945. I don't want to kill nobody unless I have to.

946. Drop your guns and kick them over here.

947. That bomb belongs to me. Hand it over, Drebin.

948. You want to kill him, Ma?

949. Blink and I start shooting.

950. Give me that gun!

951. - Oh, my God! - I'm not falling for that, sister.

952. I'm not well! Get this stupid thing off me!

953. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

954. - Ma! - She's a goner, Rocco.

955. Dead. Then that's it.

956. I'm coming with you, Ma!

957. Pull out the bomb or I'll shoot the dame.

958. All right. I'll do what you say.

959. - Frank! - Don't harm her.

960. You pull out the bomb and you'll kill me anyway.

961. - Yeah. No dice! - Then I'll plug her.

962. - Shoot her, I'll empty the envelope. - Frank, think about it.

963. It's all right. You'll be dead.

964. Then you'll kill everyone here.

965. Yeah.

966. I'll shoot if you don't do as I say.

967. Jane?

968. I'd be safe, so would everyone else.

969. - But you'd be dead. - This is complicated, Rocco.

970. Logically, you're psychotic, so you have the envelope, I'll have the gun.

971. - Frank! - I know what I'm doing.

972. All right!

973. Here's your Best Picture! In front of the world, this place is going up.

974. Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy.

975. Wait. Before we're all blown up, can I get my underwear out of my crack?

976. - I got to go comfortable. - Okay, but that's it.

977. - Give it up, Rocco. You're history. - Look, George Hamilton!

978. Come and get me, Drebin!

979. Throw me a gun!

980. Get rid of the bomb!

981. Hold on, sweetheart.

982. Frank, help!

983. - Frank. - I know what I'm doing.

984. I hate heights!

985. Ohh! Oh, no!

986. Move it, sister!

987. Screw the commercials!

988. All right, copper, you killed my ma!

989. I'm taking the dame away from you.

990. You hear me, copper? One push and Mrs. Drebin is linoleum.

991. Get a camera up there. This could be my best work.

992. Any last words before I throw you off?

993. - Yes. Don't do it. - Anything else?

994. Frank, I love you.

995. I want the world to know you're the perfect man.

996. Frank, I hope you can hear me.

997. They said I couldn't do drama.

998. I was wrong. Taking you away from Police Squad was a mistake.

999. I know now that's why you couldn't perform decent sex.

1000. I realize that now, and other things.

1001. Everything's under control.

1002. Nobody move! Any vibration may set this thing off.

1003. Frank, I've learned my lesson. And though it may be too late for me,

1004. I want all you ladies to remember something.

1005. Don't ever take your men for granted,

1006. because good men don't just fall out of the sky.

1007. Aah!

1008. He's caught up in the cable! Do something!

1009. I'm coming, Ma!

1010. Rocco?

1011. Papshmir?

1012. Jane...

1013. - I never want us to be apart again. - Oh, Frank!

1014. You like me. You really like me!

1015. - Frank, slow down! - Hurry up!

1016. Relax. There's time.

1017. - You got the camcorder? - Here. Which room?

1018. Delivery room. This must be it.

1019. Jane, I'm here. Frank is here.

1020. Push! Here it comes now.

1021. Breathe, honey. Breathe, Jane.

1022. One more push. That's it.

1023. Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy!

1024. Nordberg!

1025. You come back here!

1026. - Frank, it's a boy. - I know!

1027. You're walkin' along the street

1028. Or you're at a party

1029. Or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig

1030. You're lookin' in someone's eyes

1031. You suddenly realize

1032. That this could be the start of somethin' big

1033. There's no controllin' the unrollin' of your fate, my friend

1034. Who knows what's written in that magic book?

1035. But when a lover you discover

1036. At the gate, my friend

1037. Invite him in without a second look

1038. You're watchin' the sun come up

1039. Or countin' your money

1040. Or else in a dim cafe

1041. You're orderin' wine

1042. Then suddenly, there he is

1043. You want to be where he is

1044. And this must be the start of somethin'

1045. This could be the heart of somethin'

1046. This could be the start of somethin' big

1047. You're watchin' the sun come up

1048. Or countin' your money

1049. Or else in a dim cafe

1050. You're orderin' wine

1051. Then suddenly there he is

1052. You want to be where he is

1053. And this could be the start of somethin'

1054. This could be the heart of somethin'

1055. This could be the start of somethin'

1056. Big