Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult (1994)

Directed by Peter Segal

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Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin • Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer • George Kennedy as Ed Hocken • O.J. Simpson as Nordberg • Fred Ward as Rocco • Kathleen Freeman as Muriel • Anna Nicole Smith as Tanya

Frank Drebin is persuaded out of retirement to go undercover in a state prison. There he has to find out what top terrorist, Rocco, has planned for when he escapes. Adding to his problems, Frank's wife, Jane, is desperate for a baby.......

United States of America • Comedy • Crime

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3. Hey, look! It's the President!

4. And the Pope!

5. Yee-aah! Yah!

6. Ooh-la-la-la-la-la!

7. Ow!

8. - Waah! - Waah!

9. Oh, my God! Look! It's disgruntled postal workers.

10. Wait a minute! Give me my baby back!

11. Aah! Aah!

12. Frank!

13. Frank, are you all right? I'm soaking wet.

14. I'll get the talcum powder. No, no it's not that.

15. I had a nightmare. There was crime all around me, I couldn't stop it.

16. Oh, Frank, it was just a dream. You're right.

17. All I need is a good night's rest. In the morning everything will be just fine.

18. - Aah! - Aah!

19. - Aah! - Aah!

20. Whoa!

21. Show me what you got!

22. Ow!

23. - Oh! - Oh!

24. - Aah! - Aah!

25. Ah-ha ha ha ha ha!

26. How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie?

27. About as well as a heterosexual can in prison.

28. I don't know how much longer I can take it in here.

29. - Ma, How's Tanya? - Tanya's the same.

30. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks,

31. ample breasts, ears you just love to stick your tongue into...

32. Ma, please I am gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up.

33. Sorry.

34. Rocco, there's somebody here to see you.

35. Pahpshmir!

36. My people are very upset.

37. They're always upset. They're Arab terrorists.

38. Ma, please.

39. You're supposed to be

40. the foremost terrorist bomber in the world...

41. train stations, department stores, government buildings.

42. The devastation in south Florida?

43. That was Hurricane Andrew.

44. That's what they told the public.

45. No matter we wanted to embarrass the United States,

46. Now you've made the police look like international heroes.

47. I told you. A first-class job would cost five million.

48. Now if you want to step up to the price,

49. I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed.

50. That's a pretty big target.

51. but why should I think anything would be different?

52. Because five million dollars buys me!

53. I'm breaking out of here.

54. All right, but fail this time, Mr. Dillon, my people won't be so forgiving.

55. Fail?

56. Show me one man who can stop me.

57. Attention, shoppers.

58. Be sure to check out our special on paper towels

59. on aisle 7.

60. That's aisle 7.

61. Aah!

62. Hey!

63. Help!

64. Give it to me!

65. My purse! Somebody help me!

66. - Let go of the purse, lady! - Hey, help me!

67. Hear! Hear!

68. Well...

69. we shot a lot of people together.

70. It's been great.

71. But today I retire,

72. so if I do any shooting now,

73. it'll have to be within the confines of my own home.

74. Hopefully, it will be an intruder

75. and not an in-law like at my bachelor party.

76. Well, Ed,

77. I officially give you my gun...

78. Oh...

79. And my... my badge...

80. Oh.

81. Oh, I...

82. And, uh...

83. Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs

84. as a souvenir.

85. Oh...

86. Cheer up, Ed. This is not good-bye.

87. It's just "I won't ever see you again."

88. Oh, Frank.

89. My purse!

90. - Somebody help me! - Out of my way!

91. - Lieutenant Drebin! Frank! Didn't you see that? - What? Oh...

92. Yes, kitty litter. Two bags for a dollar. Great!

93. Order in this court.

94. The jury will disregard that last statement.

95. You may continue, Counselor.

96. The alimony had been set by the court, isn't that right, Mr. Clayton?

97. Yes, but...

98. But not once have you paid alimony to my client,

99. in the past two years, repeatedly defying a court order.

100. Isn't that right, Mr. Clayton?

101. I lost her address.

102. She moved twice. I couldn't keep up.

103. Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton.

104. You're under oath.

105. Do you know the penalty for perjury is?

106. I'll ask you that again.

107. Objection!

108. Your Honor, l...

109. Ow, ow.

110. Jeez.

111. Counsel is leading the witness.

112. Sustained.

113. Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding when she's in session.

114. Please read the prosecution's last statement to the court.

115. "Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton. You're under oath."

116. There. That a boy.

117. "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"

118. That's all I have, Your Honor.

119. You may continue, Ms. Spencer-Drebin.

120. Uh... prosecution rests.

121. Defense attorney Ms. Davis-Jacobsteiner-Laszlo?

122. I have no further questions, Your Honor.

123. Court will recess until after the morning feed.

124. We're going to win this. I can feel it.

125. Yes. Of course.

126. I married the wrong man.

127. I never thought that was possible.

128. I beg your pardon?

129. Oh, nothing.

130. Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man.

131. You just have to work at it.

132. Now, let's see. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right?

133. Now, you two have been married for six months?

134. Yes. We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor.

135. You came highly recommended by our last therapist.

136. Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.

137. You know, I feel it's important

138. for a couple to get off on the right foot

139. and not get caught up in blame.

140. - Now, which one of you is impotent? - That would be him.

141. Ah, yes, of course.

142. - Why don't you ask who's frigid? - That would be him also.

143. Oh..

144. - How would you know? You're never home. - He resents the fact that I'm a working woman.

145. In fact he has no idea what a woman wants or needs.

146. - You're so insensitive. - This isn't that toilet seat thing again, is it?

147. It's babies, Frank. I want to have a baby and every time we start to make love,

148. You have a headache.

149. I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying!

150. I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate...

151. - Frank! - Well maybe it's your fault.

152. Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear? A black teddy?

153. - I've tried wearing them all. They don't work. - Oh!

154. Frank, Why don't you want to have a child?

155. Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year old Korean girl?

156. Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest.

157. Make tonight a special night. Dinner, wine, romantic music.

158. Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station. Just be Jane and Frank.

159. Lovers!

160. - Not together. - Frank!

161. Jane, having a baby is a big responsibility.

162. It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.

163. I'm just frightened.

164. Frank, let's make tonight something special.

165. Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much.

166. My little lover sparrow.

167. My puppy wuppy wuvver.

168. My little love biscuit.

169. - My little snookie wookums. - My little lady cheesy puffy.

170. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please, I'm a diabetic. I think you ought to go now.

171. - I never thought we'd end this way. - How did you think we'd end?

172. I don't know. Some other way.

173. Oh, Jason, please...

174. Bobbi...

175. - I've been hurt before. - We have to fight this thing together.

176. Ed, Nordberg! It's been a long time!

177. - Hiya, Frank! Good to see you, buddy. - You look terrific.

178. Thank you, Ed. I'm taking a step class, and the little woman got me a Thighmaster for Christmas.

179. But look at me Where are my manners? Come on in, Come in!

180. - How charming! - Sit, sit sit.

181. Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day. I've just frosted some cupcakes.

182. - Would you care for one? - Oh, not just now.

183. Frank, we're having a little problem with a terrorist threat.

184. - Police Squad is certain that... - I'd love a cupcake.

185. - That coffee smells great. - I grind my own beans.

186. Frank, the reason we're here is we need your help with something.

187. - Oh, it's great! - I'd hoped you'd like them.

188. Made them from scratch. I'll just get off my feet for a second.

189. Frank, we may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt.

190. Have a look

191. These pictures were taken by a news photographer.

192. - We think this girl was used as a diversion. - We've had them enlarged.

193. - They look familiar. - No, no, Frank, the pin. She's a nurse.

194. All right yeah. Can I, I keep this one?

195. We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood. Her name is Tanya Peters.

196. Tanya Peters?

197. - Do you know her? - Don't you remember back in the 1970s?

198. The big disco shoot out.

199. Hey, Ed. What's happening, my man?

200. Frank, we missed you last night at the fondue party.

201. I couldn't make it. Went to see the Village People. They're stone cold gas, man.

202. - Far out, I can dig it! - What have we got here?

203. One dead disco dancer.

204. - Bummer! What a mind bender ah. - We think it was some sort of a love triangle.

205. This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters. I will be right back.

206. - Cigarette? - Yes, I know.

207. Well, we'll need a statement from you down at the station.

208. Nordberg!

209. Coming, Lieutenant!

210. I do remember! You were one of the first test cases for minoxidil, weren't you?

211. - What? - Well I'm glad I could be of help.

212. If you don't mind, now I've got a rump of lamb to put in the oven.

213. - Frank, We need to ask you a favor. - Not that big a rump roast, Nordberg.

214. No no, not that Frank. We need you to go undercover at the clinic today.

215. Hey, whoa.. wait a minute I've given up police work, Ed.

216. No, You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods.

217. I wouldn't ask, but we're in a bind Frank.

218. What about those two new guys Hedges and O'Malley?

219. They're in Hawaii together.

220. Oh, I can't. Jane and I have a special evening planned.

221. Frank, It'll only take a couple of hours. You'll be home in plenty of time to make dinner.

222. I don't know. I'll have to make pork chops.

223. Frank, think of all the crime out there.. Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane.

224. You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world.

225. - Besides, you haven't shot anybody in 6 months. - That's true.

226. Funny how you miss the little things.

227. Might be good to feel cold hard steel pressed against my thigh once again.

228. The thrill of a chase... to be a man!

229. After folding the laundry, I set out for the Karlson clinic.

230. In any police operations it's important to have a foolproof disguise.

231. And this operation was no different.

232. I had no idea if Tanya would still recognize me, so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses.

233. I combed my hair little differently, just in case.

234. The plan was to get in, get any information I could about Tanya's connection with the bombing,

235. and get out as quickly as possible.

236. I figured faking an old football injury would do the trick.

237. - Can I help you? - Yes I'd like to see a doctor please.

238. Sign in here, please. Do you have an appointment, Mr.?

239. Uh, Smith. Uh, no, I don't.

240. - Then take a number. - Six.

241. - What? - Is six taken?

242. Does it have to be between one and ten?

243. - You'll be called. - Thank you.

244. Uh, Mr. Smith?

245. Sir, we've just had a cancellation. We can take you now. Dr. Kohlzak?

246. Good morning, Mr. Smith. Right this way.

247. I really appreciate you seeing me like this. I'm sure it won't take too long.

248. - When did you first notice the problem? - Uh, in the back yard with my uncle.

249. - In the back yard? With your uncle? - Yes, when he comes over to visit,

250. we like to go out in the back yard and throw it around for a while.

251. And what did you and your uncle find out?

252. I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt, especially on the long ones.

253. I, I can't seem to straighten it out. It has no feeling. It, it's kind of numb.

254. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.

255. - If you would... - For what?

256. - A sperm count. - In here?

257. Well, it's not exactly the back yard, but it will do.

258. Well...

259. Oh!

260. Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork.

261. Sign these at the bottom, and leave them with the nurse on your way out.

262. - This way, please. - What?

263. - Number 17. Oh no - A problem?

264. - No, no not at all. - This is 17. You're next.

265. - Have we met before? - If you'll excuse me, I'm next.

266. Ooh! Aah!

267. Aah!

268. Sir...

269. Aah!

270. Mr. Smith, how are we doing?

271. I've been busy, if that's what you mean.

272. Would you like a video tape to assist you?

273. Do you have "Dances With Wolves"? "Rocketeer"? "Lady And The Tramp"?

274. An adult movie.

275. Well...

276. Ooh! Aah!

277. Yeow!

278. Oh! Yes!

279. The tape was very entertaining.

280. Follow me.

281. Do you have "Spartacus"?

282. Maintenance, clean up Room 7. Maintenance, clean up Room 7.

283. Stat.

284. - What are you doing? - Just freshening up.

285. You should always look your best, even though you're by yourself. You know what I mean?

286. Are you sure we've never met?

287. Oh, here's my cup. Back to work.

288. Mr. Smith, are you OK in there?

289. I could use a little help.

290. Dr. Rosenblatt, foreplay in Room 7, please.

291. Dr. Rosenblatt

292. Honey, I've been waiting all day.

293. I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon.

294. Tonight's gonna be special night. I'm gonna make love to you for hours and hours.

295. Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that?

296. - Hours? - Just like we did the first time we were together.

297. Jane, why don't I get ready and soak in the tub for a couple of days?

298. Possibly a week.

299. Oh, you're so cute. Let me go get the oysters and clams.

300. Here. I'll shave your back like last time.

301. Jane, I really don't think we should.

302. - Frank, what's this? - I fell... on a rake.

303. You're lying. Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour.

304. - You've been back on the case haven't you? - No, no. I swear. It's another woman.

305. In your wildest dreams!

306. It's bad enough you won't have a baby. But I warned you what happen if you went back to Police Squad

307. You you, white Anglo male!

308. Jane, Aah.. Jane it was nothing Jane. I was only doing Ed a small favor.

309. Some retirement! I'm leaving Frank. I never thought you'd go back on your word.

310. - Aren't you being a little hasty? - I don't think so.

311. That should be the cab. If you need to You can reach me at Louise's.

312. Oh Frank, how could you? We need some time apart to think about us.

313. Well I'm not going to think. Why should I start now? I love you.

314. Look, baby, I am what I am, and I do what I do.

315. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals.

316. - I am a cop. - Pretty speech Frank.

317. But my mind is made up, I'm leaving!

318. All right, then take this with you.

319. I guess you know how my lips feel about things.

320. Goodbye, Frank.

321. Your listening to K.S.A.D. All depressing, all the time.

322. And now here's a dedication to Frank from Jane who just called from a taxi and it reads

323. Frank, you lying weasel-weenie It's bad enough you're shooting blanks. now you leave the door wide open,

324. letting all the heat out. Were you born in a barn? you stupid

325. He promised he'd never go back to his police work. Once a cop, always a cop.

326. - He's married to his work, not me. - That's the way it is with them - You'll always come in second.

327. There was this great article in Cosmo this month, "Why All Men Are Pigs". You should read it!

328. Frank's just another word for "loser" as far as I am concerned Oh I never want to see him again.

329. I want to get as far away from this town as possible.

330. We'll headed to my friend's cabin it's up by the smelting plant, fresh air will do you good.

331. Jane, go easy! That's your second bottle of Chanel.

332. Louise, You're witnessing the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.

333. No more little Miss Perky who devoted her life to one man.

334. I'm out for the new me. Let's burn rubber!

335. You didn't forget anything, did you? I hope not.

336. Just calm down, ma'am. How many bodies did you find in your swimming pool?

337. No sir, in this state killing a gang member is only an 18 Dollar fine just mail it in.

338. - Frank! Glad you could make it. - Welcome, buddy.

339. - Nordberg, Ed. - Did you happened to find Tanya's address? Frank.

340. Ed, I wrote it down on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it.

341. - I guess I'm getting a bit rusty. - Oh, that's all right. - It could happen to anybody.

342. Anyway I brought you some of "Frank's Never Fail Fudge".

343. - Now you go on go on about your business. - Smells great.

344. Don't mind me I'll stay out of your hair. It'll be just like...

345. Uh, Frank, let me take that. We've got a little surprise for you.

346. It's in honor of your 30 years on the force.

347. Nordberg.

348. - Yay! - Yay!

349. Congratulations, buddy!

350. Oh, boy. This is really great.

351. Thank you, guys.

352. We thought it might cheer you up. We heard about you and Jane.

353. Jane, Jane... The name will always remind me of her.

354. Frank I feel really bad about all of this. If there's anything that you need?

355. - Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number. - Nordberg, put it together!

356. - Frank I want you to know we're here for you. - Thanks Ed.

357. - Well, look who's here. Hi, Frank nice to see you. - Ted.

358. - Ed, I've got that data for you on the bomb. - Good what did you find out?

359. - Well the explosive it self is a very fine powder. - It tastes like...

360. That would be fertilizer, Frank, it's for another case.

361. This is what I'm talking about.

362. - We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerine. - Can you tell us where it came from?

363. I'd be glad to.

364. Billions of years ago, the earth was a molten mass...

365. - Ted, I'm talking about the powder. - Oh, we haven't got a clue about that Ed.

366. Here let me take that urine specimen from you Frank.

367. How ever we found a detailed list of the bomber's plans at the scene.

368. - On a hunch we analyzed the paper. - And you got something?

369. Yes the paper came from Statesville Prison.

370. - Are you sure? - Positive.

371. We analyzed the wood fibers in the paper

372. and found them to be from the rare Canary Island pine

373. which grows only in Oregon.

374. Contacting several paper mills in that area led us to a distribution center in Tacoma.

375. But unfortunately, that's where the trail ended.

376. And how did you trace it to Statesville Prison? Right here on the letterhead, Frank.

377. After comparing the handwriting samples with every known bomber currently serving a stretch in Statesville,

378. we came up with a suspect... Rocco Dillon.

379. He's must be masterminding the bombings from inside the prison.

380. If that's true there's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next.

381. We gonna have to send someone into Statesville Prison. I'll do it.

382. Frank I couldn't, I wouldn't feel right about that.

383. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead.

384. "You might end up dead" is my middle name.

385. What about Jane? I don't know her middle name.

386. But Ed I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.

387. Frank, Ed, I think you might want to see this.

388. We're testing out a prototype for a new anti-carjacking device.

389. You'll get a chance to see how it works.

390. Get out! Get out! No.

391. Don't make me use...

392. Aah!

393. Aah!

394. We call it the Denver Jockstrap.

395. After being retired for six months, I was finally back in action.

396. Faster than you say "Spread 'em!", I was inside the cold, gray walls of Statesville Prison.

397. I was surrounded by pimps, rapists and murderers.

398. It was like being in the stands of an Los Angeles Raiders' game.

399. It was going to take all my police experience just to stay alive in here.

400. After a long and generous cavity search, I finally reached my destination:

401. Maximum security, home of the most violent sociopaths in the country.

402. And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon.

403. All right, in here.

404. Ain't no prison yet could hold me. Attica! Attica! Power to the brothers.

405. Kill whitey, kill whitey!

406. Knock it off!

407. You're chirping awfully loud for a new canary.

408. Keep flashing the big eyes, and I'll personally balance and rotate your jaw.

409. Hey! You know who you're talking to? The man is Rocco Dillon.

410. - Where's your prison number? - It's unlisted.

411. Just call me Nick "The Slasher" Magirk.

412. Look, ham head. I'm the muscle in this pen. You just stay out of my way.

413. Just watch your step, Magirk.

414. Take it from me, this place here changes a man.

415. - Oh, yeah, in what way? - I used to be white.

416. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.

417. Screw with me, he'll make you feel pain like you never felt before.

418. I know, I remember the Osmonds.

419. - Better hit the rack, Magirk. - In a minute.

420. First I wanna to make up a list of the people I'm gonna kill in the next couple of days.

421. Lights out! Lock down in two minutes!

422. My dearest snookie wookums dumpling buns,

423. I miss you so much. I haven't hurt this bad since...

424. since the last time I was dumped.

425. I remember it well. Her name was Gabriella.

426. We were supposed to be marry,

427. but on the day of our wedding day, she never showed up.

428. Aah!

429. I was heartbroken, destroyed. I figured she'd fallen for another man.

430. Someone who could do to her what I never could.

431. I thought my life was over until that one glorious day.

432. That was the day you became my wife. All our friends gathered to celebrated our love.

433. It seemed like only yesterday. We were all so overjoyed.

434. I remember how we wished we could take everyone with us. That was the happiest day of my life.

435. I'll never forget the plans we made for our future. Things were going to be so perfect.

436. We were finally going to get that housekeeper you always wanted.

437. Hi, Mr. D. Hi, Mrs. D.

438. I knew that eventually our dream would come true.

439. One day we'll have our own little Frank Drebin Jr.

440. Shut up, Magirk. I'm trying to to get some sleep.

441. Nah, it's no use. She'll never come back.

442. Bend over and pick it up for me...

443. would you, lover?

444. No problem.

445. Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower that I was well-endowed with courage.

446. Now, I had to get on the inside.

447. Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

448. Tyrone, I've got the escape plans right here. Just you and me.

449. - Burnett wants in, too. - Burnett's one of the guards.

450. - I know, but he's unhappy here. - All right, all right whatever.

451. Got it all worked out right here.

452. What's this? Another letter from your mommy?

453. - Hey, that's private, screw. - Let's see what we have here.

454. - Why don't you give the man back his letter. - Buzz off, butter cheeks.

455. What's so special about a little letter?

456. Wait a minute... an escape plan!

457. This is your ticket to another 20 years, Dillon. If the Warden gets one look at this...

458. Hey!

459. You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it.

460. This is more like gruel!

461. And this Chateau LeBlanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled.

462. This here room temperature.

463. - What do you think we are? Animals? - No!

464. What are we?

465. Homo sapiens?

466. You're right! We are men! We are men!

467. We are men! We are men!

468. Aah!

469. Come on, knock it off!

470. Everybody stop!

471. Whoa!

472. No, no. Stop!

473. Right hand red, left hand blue. Who's got a hand in my pocket?

474. Come on, son. You can do it. Eat some beans.

475. You saved my bacon Magirk. I'd be in solitary right now if you hadn't done that.

476. Listen, I've been watching you McGirk. You handle yourself really good.

477. - Really well. - Yeah, whatever.

478. Look I got something really big coming up on the outside.

479. something really big. I could use someone like you in my gang.

480. - You've got a dental plan? - Full coverage. - What's the caper?

481. Now, first we've got to bust out of this playpen. Thanks to you, We still have our escape plan. Let's have it.

482. - It's a good plan. - I've had better.

483. Listen, I've got a foolproof plan.

484. Oh, my God. They got Tyrone.

485. Can't we all just get along?

486. Now that Tyrone was in solitary, it was just me and Rocco.

487. He had no choice but to trust me... Shh! Hold on!

488. Okay, anyway. I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel.

489. It was either that or go out in a laundry truck.

490. The thought of lying in a pile of underwear nose down and skid marks

491. just didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

492. Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved early in the construction.

493. Outside of some major chaffing, we were making good progress.

494. We kept digging, at night dummies gave the impression we were still on our cell.

495. Lights out, Magirk.

496. There was more dirt than I anticipated. Disposing of it was becoming tricky business.

497. Safe!

498. Where are you going? You're not thinking of Frank again Are you?

499. - They are playing our song. - I understand. Take your time.

500. - Hello, there. - Excuse me.

501. I'm hauling a load of rice cakes down to Big D.

502. - What do you say to coming with me? - No. thank you.

503. - Then how about a kiss? - No!

504. I know When a woman says "No," she really means "Yes." Now, how about that kiss?

505. - Yes. - What do you mean "No"? I know your type.

506. Come on, baby, we're two of a kind.

507. Ow!

508. Aah!

509. Aah!

510. Aah!

511. Oh, my God!

512. You killed him!

513. It was an accident. We have to call the police.

514. Jane, come to your senses. You killed a man. You're a hero to every women in this country.

515. Frank, We have to call Frank. He'll protect us.

516. Frank is a man. He'll see you locked away for the rest of your life.

517. Jane, I wanna join you to help you kill as many men as possible.

518. Yipes!

519. Louise, do what you have to do. I'm calling Frank.

520. Oh, boy, did that hurt.

521. Be home, Frank, please. Answer the phone, snuggie pants.

522. Frank!

523. - Hi, this is Frank. - And Jane. We're the Drebins.

524. We're not home right now. So leave a message.

525. - Oh, which button do I press? - No no not that one.

526. Tanya? It was another woman. Frank was telling the truth.

527. Honeymoon Bay Road, I bet they're all alone there right now. Oh, Frank!

528. Cell inspection!

529. There's been a rumor of a possible break-out.

530. If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape,

531. they will be punished severely.

532. Once word of the escape was out, we had to move quickly so we headed for the tunnel.

533. The last few feet had to be dug on the run.

534. We were sure that another 47 yards would take us well beyond the prison walls.

535. May he rest in peace in the arms of our loving... Jesus Christ!

536. Amen.

537. Rocco had arranged for a getaway car to meet us at our destination.

538. After making a slight adjustment in our direction, we finally arrived at the rendezvous point...

539. a Los Angeles city high school.

540. Hey, that was close. Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag?

541. - She she, take one in the face? - She's my mother!

542. Oh, Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal.

543. - You must be very proud of him. - I am.

544. Ma, I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" Magirk.

545. There are fresh clothes in the back.

546. Rocco's mom was quiet. I had a feeling she didn't care for me coming along.

547. Like a midget at a urinal, I was gonna have to stay on my toes.

548. Hey! Stop! Stop!

549. Oh, Frank!

550. Well, it wasn't my fault. That cow shouldn't have been standing in the middle of the road.

551. Any way, Hurry up, you're letting the flies in!

552. - What do you think, kid? - Sweet setup.

553. No phones. Miles from the nearest town. Playboy Channel. Perfect.

554. Nice digs, but I'm here for the action. What are we going after, banks or armored cars? Dodgers' payroll?

555. - You're getting a little bit too nosy, Magirk. - Relax, Ma.

556. - She's been itching to try out her new gun. - I know the feeling.

557. It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier.

558. I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out.

559. If she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf.

560. - Come here, sexy. - You're all woman. I can tell by just looking at you

561. Hey, she's referring to me.

562. Uh... I was talking about your mother.

563. That's no way to be walking around. Get some clothes on.

564. And what are you doing in my bathing suit?

565. - Hey, who's the stud? - I'd like you to meet the newest member of our gang.

566. Slasher Magirk, meet Tanya Peters.

567. Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?

568. I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him.

569. I get that all the time. The underwear ads played everywhere.

570. Are you saying you're not a cop?

571. Well, yeah.

572. - Well that's good enough for me. - Me, too - I'm fine.

573. All right. I'm glad that's all cleared up.

574. Ma, why don't you two kiss and make up, huh?

575. Well, all right.

576. Now that's more like it.

577. Aah.

578. Ow.

579. I had to get a message to Police Squad.

580. This scene was turning into more than I could handle by myself.

581. No phone and miles from civilization, my prospects looked bleaker than a gerbil's in a bath house.

582. Who's down there?

583. Slasher... have you seen my pigeon?

584. Pigeon? What pigeon?

585. What you doing?

586. I'm... just contemplating my next move.

587. Your bishop is exposed.

588. It's these pants. I usually wear a fuller cut.

589. You're all man. I like that in my men.

590. You're coming on to me big time, sister. you're purring like a kitten with a fresh mouse.

591. - But we got a problem. - You're Jewish?

592. No. You're Rocco's girl.

593. In my book that chapter is called "Look, But Don't Touch".

594. I could have two lovers.

595. Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball,

596. one on one and with as little dribbling as possible.

597. Oh, you're tense, Slasher.

598. Well, I could relax more, if I knew what was going on tomorrow.

599. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

600. All I know is that it's downtown and... big.

601. That's the way I like it. What else?

602. Just this...

603. What are you doing?

604. Uh... well thank you for the advice.

605. I'll.. try that recipe out, Miss Peters.

606. How could you?

607. Well you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.

608. Oh...

609. Quiet. You're not supposed to know me here.

610. That's a goodbye kiss, sister.

611. - What's all this? Who's the skirt? - Uh, just some dizzy dame.

612. Probably her car broke down. I'll take her to the bus depot.

613. Hey, look at this she's married. What if her husband comes looking for her?

614. - He probably will. He must be great a great guy. - He breaks promises.

615. Oh, look at you, traipsing all over the country just to spite a big wonderful guy.

616. - He left me. - More like you left him.

617. - You should talk!

618. - Well listen to you. - Listen to you.

619. - Listen to you. - Listen to you.

620. - Listen to you! - Listen to you!

621. - Listen to you!

622. Jeez, you two, knock it off! You'd think you were married or something.

623. - So. what do you want to do with her Rocco? - Well, one thing is for sure...

624. there's no room for her here. - I say we bump her off.

625. - Let's plug her right here. - No. I've been on jobs where things went hooey

626. I'd have given my eyeteeth for a hostage. Now We all know that, women make the best hostages.

627. They are smaller, easy to take along, eat less, smell nice.

628. Yeah, we got us an insurance policy. Good thinking, kid.

629. Now, let's get some shut-eye. Come on we got a big day ahead of us.

630. All right, it's rigged. Keep your eye on the tower, Slasher.

631. It's what's going to happen tonight.

632. Hey, aren't we awfully far away?

633. Oh!

634. All right, now, pay attention.

635. On the top of that tower is a device that's going to net us five million bucks.

636. It's a little thing I've been working on.

637. We're going to detonate it later this evening

638. at an event the whole world will be watching.

639. - Your crowning achievement. - It's for both of us, Ma.

640. - All set? - Set.

641. Very impressive.

642. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

643. Cool.

644. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

645. Cool.

646. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

647. Yes, America will be brought to its knees by this ultimate terrorist act.

648. That's right this will be more embarrassing to the United States than Tonya Harding.

649. We're almost there.I don't want to miss this. Give my regards to Mrs. Gaddafi.

650. Oh, and tell her thanks for the cookies.

651. It's another beautiful night in Los Angeles,

652. and the stars are shining bright for the 66th annual Academy Awards.

653. Thousands of fans are clamoring to get a glimpse of their favorite celebrities.

654. And here are two of them it's "Weird Al" Yankovic and Vanna White.

655. Slasher, put the dame in the trunk.

656. I'll meet you and Ma around the back in ten minutes.

657. Got the passes?

658. - We pull this up, it's 5 million big ones. - Not bad, Ma.

659. - Frank, what's going to happen to me? - Shh! I have an idea.

660. - All right, Slasher, you know what to do. - Right.

661. Make sure the spare tire and fed it, check all the fluid levels.

662. No, you muffin head, the dame. Keep an eye on her. We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield.

663. Ladies and gentlemen, here now to present the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award

664. is James Simmons. Ready, 3. Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please. Go to 3. Ready, 4.

665. This year's Lifetime Achievement Award winner's credits include some of the greatest moments ever captured on celluloid.

666. Films such as "Sandals and Loincloth", 1958.

667. "Sweaty Boatmen", 1959.

668. "The Leather Clad Centurion", 1960,

669. and his first color feature in 1966, "Big Shiny Spears".

670. Okay, there's the man from Bryce/Porterhouse.

671. He is the guy who guards the envelopes until they're handed out. That pinhead not gonna budge from that table.

672. Now, you know what to do distract him so I can get to the envelope and plant the bomb.

673. Accepting the award for Mr. Bronkowitz is Margaret Red Feather.

674. That ought to do it.

675. You'll never get away with this. Rocco's gonna kill whoever you are.

676. - Frank Drebin, Police Squad. - Frank, isn't that a little unusual?

677. - Not really it happened to me a couple of times. Here's the plan. - Plan, you'll never stop Rocco.

678. - Your chances are one in a million. - That's still better than any state lottery.

679. Look I'm the good guy. I can't let the bad guys win our children can't be raised in fear.

680. Dont you see If we can't stop them, they'll blow that place sky-high. It'll be a tragedy,

681. unless of course, it happens during a dance number. Come on.

682. Does that radio work?

683. Call Police Squad. Tell them Frank Drebin says...

684. Forget it.

685. I wonder what the devil he wanted?

686. - Hold on. - Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad.

687. - Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro. - Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.

688. Aha, You and 10,000 other people. Now move along. Movie stars only.

689. Come on. I've got a better idea.

690. And cue talent.

691. And now to present the award for Best Supporting Actress

692. Are Mariel Hemingway and Elliot Gould.

693. Thank you.

694. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:

695. Mary Lou Retton, "Fatal Affair",

696. one woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat,

697. set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster.

698. Morgan Fairchild, "Final Proposal",

699. one courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over Bulimia,

700. set against the background of the Donner Party Crossing.

701. Ahem. Ahem.

702. Aaah... Aaah... Aaah...

703. Very sorry about this, but it's official police business.

704. Shannen Doherty, "Basic Analysis",

705. one woman's triumph over a yeast infection,

706. set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bill season of 1991.

707. Thank you, sheriff.

708. Still no word of Frank or Rocco and his gang.

709. Frankly, I'm getting worried. Frank should have phoned in by now.

710. Let me check your tickets folks. lovely gown is that Cool Whip?

711. Uh-huh.

712. All right, Tim and Erica Brown. OK, enjoy the show.

713. Let's see. Vanna White and "Weird Al" Yankovic.

714. Okay, enjoy the awards.

715. Ready, 3... and 3.

716. And Florence Henderson, "Analysis of a Proposal"...

717. - Rocco could be anywhere. - He had plenty of time to plant the bomb. Where could it be?

718. - And the winner is... - Boy, this is going to be dynamite.

719. - Jane. - Frank, Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

720. Yes. Florence Henderson is going to win it, it's about time.

721. No, the bomb is in one of those envelopes.

722. You're right!

723. And the winner is...

724. - Aah! - Aah!

725. Mary Lou Retton for "Fatal Affair".

726. Yes! Yes!

727. I'm sorry, we were rooting for Florence Henderson.

728. We've got to get to the envelopes. before they open any more of them.

729. Yes!

730. - I never realized there'd be this many. - They added 75 new categories.

731. "Best Actor in a Columbus movie"?

732. To present the award for Best Director is star of stage and screen Raquel Welch

733. and the distinguish host of his own award-winning talk show Phil Donahue.

734. That might be the envelope for the bomb. Keep looking here.

735. One more second, Mr. Donahue.

736. Ugh!

737. Oh, my God! Look at Donahue.

738. Stop the stairs, Joey. Joey!

739. Whoa!

740. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present the...

741. What the hell?

742. Jesus!

743. Go to commercial.

744. Easy now easy talk to me. What happened, Ma?

745. Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad.

746. Lousy, two-bit copper punk! I treated him like my brother... the one I didn't kill.

747. - He might find the bomb. - Not if I find him first.

748. - Back from commercial in 5 seconds. - Hurry up with the mike. Cue Donahue. in 3, 2...

749. Ahem.

750. Read it, Read it, Read the card, moron.

751. "Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening. Phew!"

752. "I can barely catch my breath. Turn it over to Raquel."

753. "I'm used to being out of breath, working out to my..."

754. What's the hell he doing?

755. "Hold for laughter and applause."

756. "To Phil: 'Gets me out of breath just watching you."'

757. "To Raquel: 'Oh, Phil..."'

758. I'm supposed to read that.

759. But let's get to the subject at hand. Pick up the envelope..."

760. The nominees for best director are: Sir Richard Attenborough

761. for his musical based on the life of Mother Teresa, "Mother".

762. Spike Lee, "X II - The Merchandising"

763. Nordberg, look. That's Frank at the Academy Awards.

764. Hey, how did he get tickets?

765. Nordberg!

766. That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next He's planning on blowing up the Academy Awards.

767. - We have to get there. - But, Captain We're not invited. We're cops.

768. - It's for you.

769. - Nordberg, Police Squad. - [Ed] Men, it's a code red alert!

770. - Hello. Hello. - [Ed] C'mon! There's not a moment to loose.

771. All right, let's go! Hustle!

772. Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.

773. And now, here are today's lucky lotto numbers.

774. Get your tickets ready because here they come: 12, 22, 18 and 9.

775. - Ahh! - Ahh!

776. And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community,

777. Steven Spielberg, "Geriatric Park".

778. - Aah! - Aah!

779. - Aah! - Aah!

780. Ah...

781. Ah...

782. Ah... Ah...

783. Ah... Ah...

784. Ah-choo!

785. And the winner is...

786. Uh,

787. - Raquel, just a second. - Now what?

788. - I just had a thought. - Oh, great.

789. This show is being seen all over the world, I was thinking

790. if we could all just send good thoughts transmit them through these cameras here,

791. to men like the leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong,

792. so that they might finally be nice.

793. Thank you.

794. And the winner is...

795. Uh, Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna.

796. I can't help think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises crammed into those tiny tanks,

797. What a waste that is.

798. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats,

799. freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.

800. - And the winner is... - So many are cold,

801. shivering in the night. So I say, "Take those cats, skin them."

802. Use their fur to keep hundreds warm.

803. Jesus, Phil.

804. And... the winner is...

805. - You! - Give me that!

806. Ohh!

807. Hyah!

808. Not one move.

809. That barrel's cold.

810. It's room temperature. Let's go.

811. It's OK. It's not the bomb.

812. Ohh!

813. Oh, no!

814. Jane?

815. Jane?

816. Big trouble... aah!

817. Jane?

818. Jane?

819. Silver hair...

820. About 6'2"...

821. - Kinda of looked like Phil Donahue. - Yeah

822. Jane...

823. That's the guy!

824. Get him! Get him!

825. Ladies and gentlemen,

826. Please welcome internationally renowned actress and singing star

827. Pia Zadora.

828. There he is!

829. - Excuse me, is that snot on your shoe? - Snot? Where? Ouuh...

830. We've lost him. He gotta be here some place.

831. I'll stay here. You check the wings.

832. Oh, no. Not him again. Please, God.

833. He got away.

834. Grab him! Come on, get off the stage!

835. Aah!

836. I'm Ed Hocken. This is Officer Nordberg, from Police Squad.

837. - We're here to prevent a disaster. - You're too late for that.

838. Hey, it's Frank.

839. Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get to Frank.

840. Aah!

841. Ohh!

842. Jane!

843. Jane!

844. Aha!

845. I knew I'd bump into you around here somewhere. I want answers, cherry cakes.

846. - I love you. - Wrong answer.

847. I've dropped out of the "Sap of the Month" Club long time ago.

848. Now, listen to me angel drawers, you've got one last chance.

849. And I don't mean one of those Major-League- Baseball-Steve-Howe kind of last chances.

850. - Now, where is Jane? - I swear I don't know.

851. - All right then where is the bomb? - It's in the Best Picture envelope.

852. Oh, Mr. Drebin, I want to go straight.

853. I'm tired of the lies. Oh, kiss me. Please, kiss me.

854. I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure.

855. He looked little like Phil Donahue, white hair...

856. That's the guy!

857. Frank?

858. I'll get him, Captain.

859. Ladies and gentlemen,

860. To present the Best Picture Award are two of America's most distinguished actors.

861. Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones.

862. Lord, what's that?

863. Looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba.

864. Someone make a note.

865. I don't think we shouldn't have Phil Donahue back next year.

866. Thank you. Thank you. Good evening.

867. It's a privilege for us to present the final award

868. of tonight's ceremony.

869. (... The nominees for Best Picture are... ) Frank, we've been worried about you.

870. (... Basic Attraction..) Where's Rocco? Where's Tanya?

871. (... Unlawful Affair, Fatal Analysis... ) Come on Frank, sit down. Take it easy.

872. Frank, thank God you're alright.

873. Indecent Instincts, and Sawdust and Mildew.

874. Oddly enough Olympia, Every one of these movies was a box office hit except for one.

875. (... And now... ) - What's that? - It's the Best Picture Award.

876. (... the moment we've all been waiting for... ) Yeah, my money's on Sawdust and Mildew

877. Olympia, would you do the honors, please?

878. Oh, my God!

879. That's the one!

880. The award for this year's Best Picture

881. goes to...

882. Wait!

883. Oh, great.

884. Sorry about this.

885. Loved you in Coneheads. You, too.

886. Let me open this.

887. It's the bomb!

888. - Aah! - Aah!

889. Freeze, and nobody gets hurt!

890. Well, from now on.

891. Back in your seats, you little weasels! the party's over!

892. This program's been permanently interrupted.

893. OK, everybody don't panic. Stay with it.

894. Camera 2, move in on the old lady.

895. Woh... better move back, 2.

896. I said, no one move!

897. Sit down! Now, pay attention!

898. I want to kill nobody unless I have to, you here me.

899. All right, drop your guns and kick them over here.

900. I believe that bomb belongs to me. Hand it over, Drebin.

901. You want to do the honors of killing him, Ma?

902. Blink, and I start shooting.

903. Give me that gun.

904. - Oh, my God! - I'm not falling for that one, sister.

905. Aah!

906. I'm not well!

907. Get this thing off me!

908. Ohh! Great

909. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

910. Ma!

911. She's a goner, Rocco.

912. Dead. Then that's it.

913. I'm coming with you, Ma!

914. Pull out the bomb Drebin. If you don't, I'll shoot the dame

915. All right, Rocco. All right.

916. I'll do what you say.

917. Frank...

918. Just don't harm her.

919. Frank if you pull out the bomb, you'll kill me anyway and everyone else in the theater.

920. Yeah. No dice, Rocco.

921. Then I'll plug her.

922. You shoot her, I'll empty this envelope.

923. Frank, think about it.

924. It's all right, You'll be dead.

925. Then you'll kill yourself and everyone here.

926. Yeah.

927. I'll shoot you Drebin. if you don't do as I say.

928. Jane?

929. I'd be safe so did everyone else,

930. but you'd be dead.

931. This is getting little complicated, Rocco.

932. Let's look at this logically.

933. You're the psychotic. You should have the envelope.

934. I should have the gun.

935. Frank.

936. I know what I'm doing.

937. All right!

938. Here's your Best Picture!

939. In front of the whole world wide audience,

940. this place is going up.

941. Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy.

942. Wait a minute, Rocco. before we're all blown to bits.

943. Mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack? A man's got to go comfortable.

944. All right, but that's it.

945. All right, Give it up, Rocco. You're a history.

946. Look, George Hamilton!

947. Ah ha ha ha!

948. Come and get me, Drebin.

949. Throw me a gun!

950. Nordberg Get rid of the bomb!

951. Hold on, sweetheart.

952. Frank, help me!

953. - Frank! - I know what I'm doing.

954. Aah!

955. I hate heights.

956. Ohh! Oh, no!

957. Move it, sister!

958. Aah!

959. Screw the commercials! We're sticking with this.

960. All right, copper, you killed my ma!

961. I'm taking the dame away from you.

962. You hear me, copper?

963. One push and Mrs. Drebin here becomes linoleum.

964. Get a camera up there. I don't care how. This could be my best work.

965. Any last words sweetheart, before I throw you off this catwalk?

966. Yes. Don't do it.

967. Anything else?

968. Frank, I love you.

969. Yes, I want the world to know you're the perfect man.

970. - Oh, Frank I hope you can hear me. - They told me I couldn't do drama.

971. I was wrong taking you away from Police Squad was a mistake.

972. I know now that's why you couldn't perform decent sex with me.

973. Yes I realize that now Frank and a lot of other things.

974. Everything's under control.

975. Nobody moves! Any vibration might set this thing off.

976. Aaaah...

977. Frank, I've learned my lesson.

978. And even though it may be too late for me, I want all you ladies out there to remember something

979. Don't ever take your men for granted.

980. Because good men don't just fall out of the sky.

981. Aah!

982. Aah!

983. He's caught up in the cable

984. Frank, do something!

985. Hurry.

986. Ohh!

987. I'm coming, Ma!

988. Rocco?

989. Pahpshmir!

990. Jane,

991. I never want us to be apart again.

992. Oh, Frank.

993. You like me. You really like me!

994. Frank, slow down.

995. Hurry up! We're late!

996. Relax Frank We've got plenty of time.

997. You bring the camcorder?

998. Right here. What room's she in?

999. Delivery room. This must be it.

1000. Jane, I'm here. Frank is here now

1001. Push! Bear down now.

1002. Breathe, honey. Breathe, Jane.

1003. One more push. That's it.

1004. Congratulations, Dad, it's a boy.

1005. Nordberg!

1006. You come back here!

1007. Frank, it's a boy.

1008. I know.