My Blue Heaven (1990)

1. Good morning.

2. Watch your back.

3. All right. I see it.

4. Ma'am.

5. This for the living room?

6. Yeah.

7. This is one of the nicest houses

8. we've ever moved anyone like you into.

9. It's got gas heat, air conditioned,

10. harvest gold fixtures in the kitchen.

11. If you like that kind of thing.

12. Hey, Linda, what do you think?

13. I always promised you a nice house.

14. Let's not get carried away, Vinnie.

15. It's going to be a lot easier

16. if you two start calling each other

17. Terry and Tod.

18. It's a nice house, Terry. Okay?

19. You're Terry. He's Tod.

20. Wait for me.

21. Let's take a look inside.

22. Come on.

23. I'll need your social security number

24. so I can process your payment.

25. My what?

26. Your social security number

27. so we can pay you.

28. 2.

29. 2.

30. 1.

31. 1.

32. 5.

33. 5-dash.

34. 6.

35. 6.

36. 9.

37. 9-dash.

38. 8. 8.

39. 2. 2.

40. 1. 1.

41. 2, 5.

42. 2...

43. That's one too many numbers.

44. Take off the 5.

45. If you have any problems,

46. call my office in San Diego.

47. They always know where I am.

48. Truth is, I'm usually there.

49. We'll let you know

50. when we're going to New York to testify.

51. Great. Great.

52. Thanks for everything.

53. You'll like it here.

54. I'd live here if my wife didn't...

55. Hate it. Right?

56. No, no, no.

57. Take my word. She'd hate it.

58. She has to be near town

59. because she works with athletes.

60. If you ever want baseball tickets,

61. give me a call.

62. Great. Baseball.

63. The Padres play the Mets every so often.

64. Though you might be Yankees fans.

65. Most organized crime people are.

66. I love the Yankees.

67. Linda loves the Yankees.

68. So does Terry.

69. Who's Terry?

70. You are.

71. If you have questions, give me a call.

72. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

73. This is my job. I get paid.

74. You don't tip FBI men.

75. Sure, you do.

76. Yo, Frankie.

77. You think this guy's for... hey!

78. There's a 4:00 nonstop out of here.

79. You really going back to New York?

80. You'll find another wife.

81. I know.

82. I could've pulled out months ago.

83. You wouldn't have gotten the house

84. or the extra allowance.

85. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

86. Next time I see you,

87. you'll be eating white bread.

88. It's not bad with egg salad.

89. It's better than the slammer.

90. Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.

91. You might believe it after a while.

92. Stay out of my purse while I'm on the phone.

93. I wasn't in your purse.

94. Yes, you were!

95. You're always accusing me.

96. Put the visa card back in my purse, Vinnie.

97. I'd like a cab at...

98. What the frig is the address here?

99. How should I know? Number 1 happy street.

100. You know what the guy tried to do?

101. No idea. I haven't met a criminal in years.

102. He tried to tip me.

103. How much?

104. $100.

105. $100?

106. That's not the point.

107. He proffered a gratuity.

108. It's against protocol. I can't accept that.

109. Task completed, Coopersmith?

110. Yes, sir.

111. This isn't going to take a lot of my time.

112. This guy is living in the middle of nowhere.

113. Is there anything else I could take on, sir?

114. Coopersmith,

115. this is an important government witness.

116. When you've delivered him to his court appearances,

117. then we'll talk about something else.

118. Not before.

119. Very good, sir.

120. Back to the dangerous world of fha fraud.

121. I don't want to fill out any more forms.

122. I want to go undercover.

123. I want to stake out some son of a bitch

124. and eat a lot of takeout food.

125. I want to wear a windbreaker.

126. Once, when I was undercover,

127. I got to drive a BMW.

128. I know.

129. I can't help it.

130. It was the high point of my life.

131. I'm getting back into undercover work.

132. Forget it, Kirby. It's against regulations.

133. There's overtime.

134. You can't catch criminals in the FBI

135. if there's overtime involved.

136. Something could change.

137. Things change.

138. Yeah. Right.

139. This is San Diego all sports radio.

140. We're talking about last night's game.

141. Another loss by the home team.

142. The pads lost in the ninth

143. when Wally bunting walked in the winning run.

144. What are we going to do about Wally?

145. Barney.

146. Wally. Too bad.

147. Could've happened to anybody, right?

148. Yeah. I guess so.

149. Relief pitching.

150. It's a high risk occupation.

151. Anybody could blow a 7-run lead.

152. 8.

153. Whatever.

154. They're sending me down.

155. To the minors?

156. Wichita.

157. I'm sorry, Wally.

158. I'm going to miss you.

159. Margaret will miss you, too.

160. I mean, therapists aren't supposed to say

161. that they'll miss their patients.

162. So, how do I know?

163. This is the second relief pitcher

164. she's lost to the minors this season.

165. I'm going, too, Barney.

166. Where?

167. To Wichita.

168. Why would you go to Wichita?

169. How old are you?

170. 26.

171. I'm sorry, Barney,

172. but it's just no fun here.

173. You're no fun.

174. What do you mean?

175. You get the oil changed on the second Tuesday,

176. you get the car washed on the fourth Thursday.

177. Your hair cut on the 11th of the month.

178. You never ever get a different cut.

179. Look at how you eat pancakes.

180. What's wrong with it?

181. How does he eat pancakes?

182. He has a system for eating pancakes.

183. So the bottom pancake

184. gets as much syrup as the top one.

185. He has a system for everything.

186. Wally.

187. The losing streak now stands at four in a row.

188. KBAJ now ends its broadcast day.

189. The score again... L.A. 5, San Diego 3.

190. Thank you very much.

191. You're welcome.

192. Have a nice day.

193. Good morning, sir.

194. Would you like to try

195. a vanilla bran oat crunchie?

196. What do you think?

197. Have a nice day.

198. Fuck you!

199. That'll be $12.36.

200. Wow! A hundred.

201. Excuse me, sir.

202. I hope you had

203. a very pleasant shopping experience.

204. Yeah.

205. Good!

206. Here's a form for our suggestion box.

207. If there's anything you want

208. that we don't have,

209. just let us know.

210. Arugula.

211. I haven't had arugula in six weeks.

212. What's that?

213. It's a vegetable.

214. Car 274 to headquarters.

215. Car 274 to headquarters.

216. Male subject apprehended driving stolen green Chrysler.

217. Hannah, we've got

218. a Grand Theft Auto for you.

219. Let me at him.

220. He makes the hairs on the back of my neck

221. stand up.

222. On the back of your neck?

223. Yes.

224. That has never happened to me.

225. I've never been interested in anyone,

226. unless I know...

227. He's a college graduate.

228. Yes.

229. Ok, that probably seems quite comical to you.

230. Fine. Suit yourself.

231. I did... and look where it got me.

232. Tod Wilkinson, I'm Hannah Stubbs.

233. I'm the assistant district attorney.

234. How you two girls doing?

235. What robbery?

236. I borrowed a guy's car.

237. He gave you the keys. Is that correct?

238. He was supposed to leave them in the car.

239. But he didn't.

240. Right. If he'd left them,

241. I wouldn't have had to jump-start it.

242. How do you know how to do that?

243. I learned it in the army.

244. I was in the motor pool,

245. and everyone lost their keys.

246. The entire United States army wouldn't have moved

247. if I hadn't jump-started it.

248. And it came in handy on several occasions...

249. Jump-starting ambulances in order to get invalids

250. to the dialysis machines.

251. What was the name of, um...

252. What was his name?

253. Eddie.

254. Eddie what?

255. I don't know. He drives a blue Nova.

256. You weren't in a blue Nova.

257. It was a green Chrysler.

258. Well, that explains it.

259. I jump-started the wrong car.

260. I was in a hurry.

261. I was on my way to church

262. to say some novenas for Thanksgiving.

263. Thanksgiving isn't a catholic holiday.

264. Thanksgiving is very big with the Italians.

265. Turkey cacciatore, sweet potato parmigian...

266. There is no such thing as Thanksgiving in Italy!

267. It's an American holiday.

268. And I've been to Italy...

269. To Florence, right?

270. Yes.

271. Ever been to Sicily, by any chance?

272. No.

273. Thanksgiving is very big in Sicily

274. on account of the large number of Sicilians

275. who went to America

276. and then got thrown back out.

277. There were two cases of liquor in the back seat.

278. People drink too much.

279. Those two cases of liquor were reported stolen

280. from Kelly's liquor on fifth street

281. earlier today.

282. You're kidding me.

283. I accidentally borrowed the wrong car

284. of a guy who stole some liquor earlier today?

285. The car you stole

286. belongs to the reverend Malcolm Dickenson.

287. He is the minister of the Presbyterian church

288. here in Fryburg!

289. Are you sure he's a minister?

290. One of my best friends makes his living

291. as a completely phony minister.

292. For 2 bucks, I can make you a minister.

293. Some guys steal your money,

294. but these guys, they steal your heart.

295. Now? Can you see him?

296. What's the license number?

297. - Ma'am? - E-n-4...

298. Down the hall,

299. one flight up to your left.

300. - Thank you. - E-n-4.

301. Call me Vinnie.

302. It says here your name's Tod.

303. Barney Coopersmith, FBI.

304. Hannah Stubbs of the district attorney's office.

305. What's going on, Vinnie?

306. You've got phony ministers stealing liquor.

307. Make me a minister.

308. I'll go undercover, infiltrate them.

309. We'll nail all these...

310. What have you got?

311. Grand Theft Auto. Felony theft.

312. Where's the car we gave you?

313. If I knew, I wouldn't have borrowed the other.

314. We're arraigning him.

315. No, you're not.

316. We most certainly are.

317. This man is in the federal witness program.

318. He's under the protection of the FBI.

319. What are you doing?

320. Just looking. Cute kids.

321. Thank you.

322. - Baseball fans? - Yes.

323. That's your husband?

324. Not anymore.

325. Come on, Vinnie. Let's go.

326. You're a good-looking girl,

327. except for those army shoes.

328. No wonder he split.

329. Come on.

330. You ought to get a pair of nice high heels.

331. Spectator pumps, I think they're called.

332. Where are you going?

333. This man is a member

334. of an organized crime family.

335. It's a stereotype, and I resent it.

336. He has to testify at two major mob trials

337. in New York in the immediate future,

338. so therefore you are not going to arraign him

339. for anything tomorrow.

340. Now, wait just a minute.

341. This is not a dump site

342. for the toxic waste of criminal America.

343. That's my last mint.

344. Spit that out!

345. Spit that out and return it to this woman!

346. Bring him back here!

347. This man is much more important

348. than a couple of petty larcenies.

349. That's your opinion. You don't live here.

350. If I did, it would be comforting to know

351. a narrow-minded fanatic

352. is looking out for this community.

353. Really?

354. Really?

355. "Really"?

356. Do better than that.

357. You're going to lose the argument.

358. Stay out of this.

359. How long have you been in this job,

360. two weeks?

361. Go to hell!

362. Just go to hell!

363. Way to go!

364. What if he promises not to do it again?

365. Tell her you won't.

366. I didn't do anything in the first place,

367. which is what I was trying to explain.

368. I am not happy about this!

369. Lady, this is justice department policy.

370. Well, they're wrong.

371. They're wrong, and I'm right.

372. Let me ask you something.

373. Have you ever been wrong about anything?

374. Yes. Once.

375. The shoes, right?

376. The shoes are tragic.

377. Creep.

378. Disgusting, revolting, creep!

379. I thought he was cute.

380. Not that one. The other one.

381. Listen carefully, fluffy,

382. 'cause I'm only saying this once.

383. Tommy and I are going down to grandma's house

384. for Thanksgiving with dad.

385. Remember dad?

386. Yeah, he used to live here.

387. We're going to be back on Sunday night, though.

388. Promise you won't flush him down the toilet?

389. I can't promise anything.

390. Mom!

391. I promise.

392. Come here.

393. You scared me.

394. So what's up?

395. What are you doing today, mom?

396. I'm working. Just as well you're going.

397. I wouldn't be here anyway.

398. Do you still love our dad?

399. No, but I still love you.

400. "And your dad loves you.

401. That's all that really matters."

402. Hey, everybody ready?

403. Hi, dad.

404. Hi.

405. Now go on. Have a good time.

406. We'll talk about this when you get back Sunday.

407. Bye, mom.

408. Bye, mom.

409. Hi, dad.

410. Let's go!

411. Love you, mom!

412. Will?

413. You shouldn't just walk in here

414. like you still live here.

415. I'm supposed to ring the doorbell

416. in my own house?

417. This is not your house anymore.

418. I don't live here, but it's mine.

419. He made me drink.

420. I'm drinking in solitary.

421. Look at me.

422. I-I'm cleaning in solitary.

423. Of course, you always clean in solitary.

424. There's nothing new in that,

425. but still, drinking, muttering to myself,

426. compulsively scrubbing.

427. I don't like this, Kirby. Really.

428. The guy's hanging around a bar.

429. He's looking to buy stolen credit cards.

430. Could be a major criminal conspiracy.

431. I don't know.

432. We go undercover.

433. We blow this thing out of the water.

434. Who made you undercover?

435. I did.

436. It doesn't work that way.

437. This is your big chance.

438. These aren't the good ones.

439. They got a limit.

440. They don't all have limits.

441. They might not be valid.

442. They're good.

443. I just got them from the post office.

444. I work at the post office.

445. I don't know your name, though.

446. My name is Tod Wilkinson.

447. Mrs. Stubbs!

448. Hey, Mrs. Stubbs!

449. We got one!

450. We got us a criminal.

451. No, we don't.

452. We got us a criminal we already had.

453. Mrs. Stubbs!

454. As I live and breathe.

455. It's me, Vinnie.

456. I know who you are. I just met you.

457. Darn it.

458. Brand-new shoes.

459. No, these are old shoes.

460. It's a miracle they lasted

461. as long as they did.

462. There could be a transfer of stolen goods

463. happening before our eyes.

464. Don't be an idiot.

465. What's with you lately?

466. I'll take care of this.

467. Go home to your wife and family.

468. Hey, you can drive away. I won't follow you.

469. I have another errand to run,

470. if you don't mind.

471. I don't mind.

472. It'll give me a chance to thank you

473. for what you did the other day,

474. the worst day of my life.

475. That's hard to believe.

476. It's Thanksgiving.

477. I'm in a community

478. where I know no one but my bartender.

479. My wife, god rest her soul,

480. died three years ago to the day.

481. I'm sorry to hear that,

482. but that's no excuse for criminal behavior.

483. Like your shoes,

484. it's a miracle she lasted as long as she did.

485. Aw, jeez!

486. Look at these guys.

487. Look how cute they are.

488. Look at them frolic like this.

489. I'm sorry, Mrs. Stubbs.

490. I miss my dog, too.

491. They made me leave my dog behind.

492. They wouldn't let you take your dog?

493. He only answered to his name.

494. What was his name?

495. Fungole.

496. Need some help?

497. Yes. I would like a water turtle,

498. and this gentleman is interested in a dog.

499. Look at this guy.

500. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

501. Hey, hey, hey. Boo, boo, boo.

502. I'm not really.

503. It'll be a long time

504. before I can even be with another dog.

505. What are you doing? All right.

506. God.

507. I wish I could remember

508. what the other one looked like.

509. The turtle died,

510. and you're going to pass another turtle off

511. as the dead turtle, right?

512. Right.

513. Trust me.

514. They all look alike.

515. That one.

516. Pretty bird.

517. Pretty bird.

518. Polly want a cracker.

519. It don't say Polly want a cracker.

520. What do it say?

521. You're under arrest.

522. I once knew a guy had a parrot said that.

523. Yeah?

524. $2.04 with tax. Is that correct?

525. Right.

526. Thank you very much.

527. You're under arrest.

528. I'm going to stay and get me a new dog.

529. Excellent. I'm very happy for you.

530. You dirty rat.

531. Snitch!

532. Stool pigeon.

533. Informer.

534. Squealer.

535. You dirty rat.

536. I already said you dirty rat.

537. Yeah, but I say it better.

538. Johnny Bird!

539. I thought you was dead.

540. That was the general idea.

541. Billy Sparrow.

542. Tod Wilkinson.

543. Ooh, that's a good one.

544. Who's the dame?

545. As assistant D.A.

546. I recently made the acquaintance of.

547. They picked you up?

548. Misdemeanor.

549. They don't have misdemeanors here.

550. They just have felonies.

551. Where's Linda?

552. She couldn't take it.

553. Jeez, I'm glad to see you.

554. I was feeling so...

555. Alone.

556. You're not alone.

557. You are really not alone.

558. Toot, toot!

559. Barney! Barney, what a day.

560. What a great day!

561. What are you doing here, Vinnie?

562. What am I doing here?

563. I live here.

564. I live here.

565. We got to talk.

566. What's the matter? You seem down.

567. I'm not down.

568. You look depressed.

569. I'm going to take you and buy you a drink.

570. I'm going to buy you a flying zombo.

571. That'll cheer you up.

572. I got to talk to you.

573. I'm with you.

574. I have a job, ok?

575. I'm with you.

576. My job's to protect and safeguard you

577. so you can testify at two major trials

578. that'll send people to jail

579. who are significantly more important than you.

580. I'm with you.

581. When you testify, they'll attempt

582. to destroy your credibility.

583. Getting into trouble here

584. makes it easier for them to tear you down.

585. I'm with you.

586. You cannot commit credit card fraud.

587. Who says I did?

588. Yo, Tod.

589. Hey, how you doing?

590. We have pictures of it.

591. I'm trying to tell you, I'm with you.

592. When I say I'm with you,

593. I don't mean it like an expression.

594. I mean, I'm with you.

595. I'm with the government.

596. I'm undercover.

597. Who made you undercover?

598. I did.

599. It doesn't work that way.

600. I'm ready to testify. He'll go to jail.

601. I don't want you to testify.

602. I want you to keep your nose clean.

603. Capeece?

604. You trying to say capisce?

605. Yeah.

606. Well, don't do it,

607. because it hurts my ears when you do it.

608. Just out of curiosity, where's your wife?

609. She...

610. Got the chicken pox.

611. It's terrible. She's in the hospital.

612. Really?

613. Did you tell somebody she was dead?

614. Who told you this?

615. Ok, ok. Maybe I said it.

616. She left me, Barney. Walked out the door.

617. Yeah, well, my wife left me, too.

618. When did this happen?

619. In October.

620. That's when mine broke up.

621. What is it about October?

622. I don't know.

623. The pressure of Halloween?

624. You never know what to go as.

625. That cute D.A.

626. That's who I told.

627. Hey, you and her maybe?

628. Better chance of you and her

629. than me and her.

630. No, not my type.

631. I like them a little...

632. I don't know.

633. Kind of dirty or something.

634. You ought to take her out.

635. You ought to marry her.

636. I'm still married.

637. A guy in Reno will marry you

638. even if you're married. I'll arrange it.

639. Don't arrange anything.

640. Don't do anything.

641. Just lay low until we get through New York.

642. Stay out of trouble.

643. I'm with you.

644. What's this?

645. Surprise!

646. Surprise!

647. Rocco Bamonte!

648. Peter Baker.

649. Peter Baker? That's fantastic.

650. Richie Paolucci.

651. No, no, no. Michael Peterson.

652. I was your pallbearer.

653. I appreciate it, Vinnie.

654. Vinnie!

655. Nicky the fish!

656. What are you doing here?

657. It's great to see you, Vin.

658. Hey!

659. Dino! How are you, Dino?

660. Boy, Vinnie, you look good.

661. I can't believe this.

662. What the frig is this?

663. A popover.

664. There's nothing in it.

665. Last week I drove 43 miles to a restaurant

666. I heard had good marinara sauce.

667. How was it?

668. Please.

669. This is where you go when you die.

670. Everything's so clean.

671. Everybody's so nice.

672. Good we're not broke, or we'd be miserable.

673. I'm broke.

674. But you get your check every week

675. from the government, right?

676. How long you think you get your check?

677. Forever.

678. Yeah?

679. Here's to forever.

680. What are you saying?

681. Read the fine print.

682. They only send you the check

683. till you testify.

684. Then they actually expect you

685. to go to work.

686. Bastards.

687. Creeps.

688. What the hell?

689. We should go into business.

690. There's enough of us to start a crime wave.

691. Hold it.

692. Come on, come on. Bring it in.

693. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

694. Hijacking.

695. See you guys later.

696. Good night, Vinnie.

697. Take care, Vin.

698. Have a good one, Vinnie.

699. Now, Vin, remember, no speeding!

700. Watch yourself.

701. Ok, boys, back to work.

702. We are not accusing you of anything but speeding

703. at the moment, Mr. Wilkinson,

704. but I'd like to know

705. about the items in your trunk.

706. Which items?

707. Well, let's start with the cassette players.

708. I don't know anything about cassette players.

709. There were 40 of them in your trunk.

710. A guy I know won those in a contest.

711. They were part of a shipment

712. hijacked four days ago.

713. That's terrible.

714. And the swordfish?

715. I know this guy.

716. His whole life is fishing,

717. but he caught too many fish,

718. so he asked me,

719. would I keep some fish in my freezer,

720. but I don't have room in my freezer

721. on account of another guy I know

722. giving me a side of beef.

723. So he put the fish in my trunk

724. while the weather's cold, unbeknownst to me.

725. Mr. Wilkinson...

726. Put the ball away and sit down!

727. The books.

728. You got something against books?

729. I have nothing against books.

730. I'm curious about the books

731. in your trunk.

732. You see, I was thinking of writing my story,

733. so I bought this book on how to do it.

734. Why do you need 25 copies?

735. In case I want to read it more than once.

736. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you

737. to learn these books were part of a shipment

738. that was hijacked yesterday.

739. No!

740. Yes! Mr. Wilkinson...

741. How's the turtle, Mrs. Stubbs?

742. Fine, thank you.

743. Did your kids figure out you switched turtles?

744. I know it would be a major disappointment

745. for them to find out.

746. Did you have a warrant?

747. Know what this lady did?

748. She whacked the turtle...

749. This man appears to have been

750. in at least three major hijackings,

751. based on what we found in his trunk.

752. Did you have a warrant to search his trunk?

753. No.

754. Didn't even have probable cause.

755. You had no right to search.

756. Probable cause.

757. Jefferson put that in the constitution.

758. Not for you.

759. I'm exactly who he put it in for.

760. I admire your zeal.

761. Don't patronize me.

762. I'm the worst-case scenario of Jefferson's dreams.

763. This way.

764. Presumably, the statute of limitations

765. will not have run out...

766. I've been thinking of advising this man

767. to get involved with you,

768. but I'm afraid I can't,

769. because you're losing

770. your sense of humor.

771. You can't touch him.

772. I can, too.

773. If you ever had a sense of humor.

774. After you testify, all bets are off.

775. Everybody thinks they're humorous,

776. but they're not.

777. You commit so much as a misdemeanor,

778. I'll throw the book at you.

779. Ok, here's a test.

780. What's the difference between a light bulb

781. and a pregnant woman?

782. What?

783. You can unscrew a light bulb.

784. See? No sense of humor whatsoever.

785. Care for something to drink, ma'am?

786. No, thanks.

787. Something to drink, sir?

788. Let me borrow that pen again.

789. What can I get you gentlemen

790. to drink today?

791. Ginger ale for me.

792. Two double scotches, please.

793. We're only allowed to sell you two drinks.

794. Two double scotches would be four drinks.

795. I see.

796. All right, how about this?

797. Sell me my double scotch

798. and my friend his double scotch.

799. Instead of putting his on his tray,

800. put it on mine, and I'll pay for both.

801. You look fantastic in red and blue... Pam.

802. All right, then.

803. That'll be $12.

804. Ok, and...

805. Keep the change, please.

806. We're not allowed to accept tips.

807. Not allowed to accept tips.

808. So your change is $8.00.

809. Thank you.

810. Thank you.

811. Can I get you something, ma'am?

812. Would you like something to drink?

813. Bye.

814. You tip a flight attendant?

815. I tip everybody.

816. That's my philosophy.

817. See, actually, it's not tipping I believe in.

818. It's overtipping.

819. I think this is the kind of thing

820. people would like to know.

821. Give me that pen again.

822. American airlines flight 550

823. for San Francisco is now boarding...

824. Vinnie, tomorrow morning

825. you'll be seeing the prosecutors.

826. Tomorrow morning

827. I have an appointment with my tailor.

828. You're going over testimony.

829. Gaetano's expecting me at 10:00.

830. The next day you'll testify,

831. after which we'll go back.

832. Don't let anyone know who you are

833. or that you're in town.

834. You'll telephone no one.

835. If anyone looks like they know you...

836. Vinnie! Vinnie!

837. Welcome home!

838. We love you, Vinnie!

839. Welcome home, Vinnie!

840. I don't believe this! Are you crazy?

841. Nobody knows I'm here but them.

842. Shh!

843. Shh!

844. Mama.

845. Vincenzo.

846. Undo my cuffs so I can hug my own mother.

847. I can't do that.

848. Don't make me look like a criminal

849. in front of my mother.

850. Mama.

851. Mama.

852. Mama.

853. Mama.

854. Mio bambino.

855. Mama.

856. Barney.

857. Hey, hey, hey, mama, mama, mama.

858. I thought Wankel invented the rotary engine.

859. Vinnie?

860. Vinnie?

861. Vinnie!

862. Vaca.

863. Where the hell where you all night?

864. Vinnie, we're late.

865. We have an appointment downtown.

866. You see what I mean?

867. Tragic.

868. Barney, take a look at the two of us.

869. Take a look.

870. You see, we don't match.

871. You dress like this,

872. you attract attention to me.

873. That's dangerous.

874. Wait till you see this.

875. Wow. The worst.

876. It's a pair of socks.

877. Just try something different.

878. Vinnie, I'm not interested in this.

879. Of course you're not. We know this.

880. If you were interested,

881. we wouldn't be having this conversation.

882. No wonder your wife left you.

883. She didn't leave me because of my socks.

884. The wardrobe is a symbol of how you are.

885. Now what do you think?

886. Barney, listen to me.

887. It's very hard

888. for a human being to change.

889. I am an expert on this.

890. So, sometimes

891. in order for a human being to change,

892. you have to change from the outside in.

893. Wow!

894. You look beautiful.

895. Come on.

896. Tomorrow,

897. as the provolone trial continues,

898. the U.S. attorney's office

899. is expected to call Vincent Antonelli,

900. one of the chief lieutenants to Gazzo

901. until September,

902. when he entered the federal witness protection program.

903. Look how young I look in that picture.

904. What do you want from room service?

905. Nothing.

906. You got to eat something.

907. What I want is Linguini at Bruno's.

908. A little Linguini, a little Scungilli.

909. I'll get you some Italian food.

910. You think I like hotel rooms?

911. I'd like to order room service.

912. Room 606.

913. Do you have any Italian food?

914. What does that Italian dressing

915. come on, salad?

916. Ok, I'll take one.

917. Do you have pasta?

918. Macaroni and cheese.

919. Ok, I'll take one of those.

920. What's this chicken volavent?

921. Can you make that

922. without the silky cream sauce?

923. I just want it in a flaky pastry.

924. Ok, fine. Then...

925. What are you doing?

926. I'm wrinkling your jacket

927. like you're wrinkling your pants.

928. What? Why?

929. You bought a $1,200 suit.

930. You hang up the jacket, but lay around in your pants.

931. You're wrinkling the pants.

932. Give me your pants.

933. I'll hang them up.

934. What happens, the pants go to the dry cleaners

935. more than the jacket.

936. You end up with a suit that doesn't match.

937. I'll use the pressing machine.

938. Order me the macaroni and cheese,

939. and get one of those little bottles of wine.

940. I don't want to drink too much.

941. Will I need change? No. No.

942. They'll have change there.

943. I'll be back in about five minutes, ok?

944. Vinnie!

945. Vinnie!

946. Vinnie!

947. We open up the truck.

948. What is there but 6,000 watches?

949. I think, great, 6,000 watches.

950. What I don't realize

951. is that each watch is worth 10 grand.

952. Now do your multiplication.

953. May I help you, sir?

954. I'm meeting somebody.

955. Vinnie!

956. $60 million would buy the bar.

957. Eddie, make me a drink

958. you made the night Mary was shot.

959. I think it was a bloody Mary.

960. Psst! Vinnie.

961. Who's that?

962. Come here.

963. It's Louie!

964. Louie Vinchenzi from San Francisco.

965. What are you doing here?

966. This man's so fast, he doesn't wear pants.

967. It slows him down. How was she?

968. Give me the suit.

969. I can't believe you did this...

970. A $1,200 suit on my credit card.

971. Do you want to have a good time or sit in the hotel and look at green carpeting?

972. 18% on my credit card.

973. I'll be paying it off the rest of my life.

974. Champagne for everybody?

975. What a fantastic guy.

976. I could've bought a new car.

977. Don't get him mad.

978. I can't believe you did this.

979. Let's go. Right now.

980. This is my territory.

981. Back to the motel.

982. I want to show you something.

983. You see those guys?

984. Yes, I do.

985. If they find out you're FBI,

986. we have a problem.

987. So, what'll it be,

988. the motel and TV

989. or drinking and girls?

990. Know what I noticed about you?

991. You never look them in the eye.

992. Who?

993. Girls. You're a good-looking guy.

994. You're a better-looking guy than I am,

995. but I always look them in the eye.

996. Therefore, I'll always get laid more than you,

997. which is fundamentally unjust, am I right?

998. You're into justice.

999. This argument should appeal to you.

1000. Come here.

1001. What?

1002. Leave your celery.

1003. Hiya, girls. How ya doing?

1004. My name's Vinnie. What's your name?

1005. Angie.

1006. What's your name?

1007. Marie.

1008. Marie, meet my brother-in-law Barney.

1009. He invented that valve doohickey

1010. on the artificial heart.

1011. Don't ask me to explain it.

1012. Barney. What a great name.

1013. They always say that.

1014. Look her right in the eye.

1015. Hi, Marie.

1016. Hi, Barney.

1017. What do you say we all dance?

1018. Vinnie, no. I'd rather not.

1019. I want to dance.

1020. Do a little merengue for us.

1021. Merengue. All right.

1022. Don't take it easy on her. Let's go.

1023. Pull it up. Pump up.

1024. What are you doing?

1025. You're too stiff. You're slouching.

1026. Stand up like this.

1027. Buckle your knees a little.

1028. Move your hips.

1029. Hey, Barney.

1030. Put your hand here like this.

1031. Do it.

1032. Now watch this.

1033. Do it.

1034. Do it.

1035. Vinnie!

1036. Aah! Aah!

1037. Hey, Barney.

1038. Yeah, Vinnie?

1039. Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

1040. In the bureau.

1041. Really?

1042. Yeah.

1043. You saved my life.

1044. You saved my life.

1045. We're in each other's debt forever.

1046. That's so great.

1047. Good night, Vinnie.

1048. Good night, Barney.

1049. And what happened then, Mr. Antonelli?

1050. Mr. Capelli left the room.

1051. Did Mr. Gazzo say anything

1052. at this point?

1053. Mr. Gazzo said, "kill the fart."

1054. I apologize, your honor,

1055. but that's what he said.

1056. To whom was he speaking?

1057. Sonny, Frankie, Richie, Al...

1058. The guys who were there.

1059. Then they had a little eggplant

1060. Benny's mother made.

1061. She puts capers in,

1062. which I think's a mistake.

1063. Then they killed Nicky Capelli.

1064. One behind the ear with a 22.

1065. Richie loved to use 22s.

1066. The bullets are small

1067. and don't come out the other end

1068. like a 45.

1069. A 45 will blow a barn door

1070. out your head.

1071. Lots of dry-cleaning involved.

1072. A 22 will just rattle around

1073. like pac-man until you die.

1074. Thank you, Mr. Antonelli.

1075. You're welcome.

1076. Your witness.

1077. Mr. Antonelli,

1078. where exactly do you live?

1079. Nowhere.

1080. Objection.

1081. Mr. Levine knows perfectly well

1082. the witness is unable to answer that question.

1083. I withdraw the question.

1084. Aren't you currently

1085. in the federal witness protection program?

1086. Yes.

1087. You're living somewhere in America

1088. under government protection.

1089. You agreed to testify against Mr. Gazzo.

1090. In exchange for this testimony,

1091. you've been given immunity,

1092. a nice house, and a weekly paycheck.

1093. That correct?

1094. That's not all I get.

1095. Perhaps you could enlighten the jury

1096. as to what else the government's giving you

1097. in exchange for this testimony.

1098. Sure.

1099. I get to never see my parents again

1100. or my loved ones.

1101. I get to live in a place...

1102. It's ok. Don't get me wrong.

1103. The air is clean.

1104. The people are nice.

1105. But for a guy like me,

1106. who was raised on the sidewalks

1107. of a city that never sleeps,

1108. it's a living hell.

1109. There were times

1110. I thought of giving it up,

1111. particularly when my wife left me.

1112. They gave us a nice house

1113. with flowers in front.

1114. It made her sick.

1115. But I made a deal with the government

1116. to tell the truth.

1117. If you think I'm saying

1118. what I'm saying

1119. about Mr. Gazzo killing Nicky

1120. only because of the deal,

1121. you got a point,

1122. but it's still the truth.

1123. What's the difference between a light bulb

1124. and a pregnant woman?

1125. I don't know.

1126. You can unscrew a light bulb.

1127. Michelle, a drink here for my friend.

1128. I couldn't possibly.

1129. Have a Brandy. Monks make it.

1130. Vinnie, we'll have to work so hard

1131. next time we come to New York

1132. so it won't be a letdown

1133. after this trip.

1134. What a fabulous time I had.

1135. Although I got to admit,

1136. it will be good to get back home.

1137. Barney, I've been thinking.

1138. It doesn't make any sense

1139. for you to have a problem with that D.A.

1140. Get off my back about the D.A.

1141. I'm not talking about romance.

1142. I'm talking in general.

1143. Why make war with the D.A.?

1144. You're out of your mind,

1145. especially in your line of work.

1146. So, when you get back, you oughta

1147. try and make peace with her,

1148. a little gesture to show you're friendly.

1149. Why make war?

1150. I mean, that's my philosophy anyway.

1151. That's my philosophy.

1152. Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.

1153. Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.

1154. Hi, kids. How ya doing?

1155. Hi, Tod.

1156. Hi, Debbie. Hi, Brodie.

1157. What a day for a mow?

1158. Hey, tiger.

1159. Where'd you get that jacket?

1160. You look sharp.

1161. Hey, baby.

1162. Way to go, Coopersmith.

1163. Coopersmith.

1164. Good morning, sir.

1165. You could use a little help yourself.

1166. Who gave me this?

1167. Hi, kids. My name is Tod.

1168. I'm a friend of your mom's

1169. from the office.

1170. I'm Jamie.

1171. I'm Tommy.

1172. What are you doing here?

1173. We have to leave right away.

1174. Otherwise we'll miss batting practice.

1175. Let's go.

1176. Hey, we can't go.

1177. We can't go.

1178. Why not?

1179. Of course you can.

1180. Now parking's always a problem

1181. at the stadium,

1182. so I've taken the Liberty,

1183. if you don't mind,

1184. of hiring a limousine.

1185. A limo! Yes!

1186. Where is it?

1187. Does it have a TV?

1188. Awesome.

1189. Rad.

1190. Yes!

1191. We can't possibly.

1192. Mom.

1193. Why not?

1194. Please, mom.

1195. Yeah, please.

1196. Come on.

1197. Thank you.

1198. Yes!

1199. Hey, mom. Vodka.

1200. Put that away now.

1201. Hey, you got any vodka?

1202. Put your seat belts on.

1203. Hey, you don't have to put them on in this.

1204. Hot dogs!

1205. These good seats or what?

1206. Here's a program for you.

1207. You keep track of everything.

1208. Never take your wallet out at the ball game.

1209. Didn't your mother teach you this?

1210. No.

1211. Put this away.

1212. How many hot dogs do we want, two each?

1213. Real men always have two.

1214. Ok, and two for your mother.

1215. I don't want a hot dog.

1216. She's probably on a diet.

1217. My wife was always on a diet.

1218. My mother used to say,

1219. be careful of women on diets.

1220. They're always in a bad mood.

1221. She was right, too.

1222. My wife walked out on me.

1223. I thought your wife died.

1224. I only wish.

1225. 2, 4, 6 hot dogs, please.

1226. Keep the change.

1227. Remember this section.

1228. Pass one to your mom.

1229. Barney Coopersmith, what a coincidence.

1230. What do you mean?

1231. You invited me.

1232. It's an expression.

1233. You sit next to her.

1234. Everything doesn't have to be a war

1235. with you J. Edgar Hoover types.

1236. Hi.

1237. Hi.

1238. The reason you never take your wallet out

1239. at a ball game or anyplace else

1240. is that someone's gonna steal it from you.

1241. When you wave your wallet around,

1242. they watch where you put it.

1243. When you get up to go to the bathroom,

1244. they follow you in and use a bumper.

1245. They always use a bumper.

1246. Bump into your brother.

1247. This is how it works.

1248. Feel anything? Look at this.

1249. So always protect your wallet.

1250. Play ball!

1251. Yeah.

1252. Play ball.

1253. Padres! Padres!

1254. Padres! Padres!

1255. Padres! Padres!

1256. Padres! Padres!

1257. What?

1258. He was safe.

1259. Nice day?

1260. That's it!

1261. That was awesome.

1262. Yeah, how about that?

1263. You kids play baseball?

1264. We play in the field behind the mall.

1265. I know that field.

1266. It's in bad condition.

1267. Every time it rains, it gets all yucky.

1268. A dome is what you need.

1269. The first little league in America with a dome.

1270. You ought to raise money for it.

1271. It's a cocktail party

1272. for law-enforcement personnel

1273. in the San Diego area.

1274. If you'd like to come with me.

1275. Yes.

1276. I would.

1277. I'll call you.

1278. You know, it's dangerous for you to be here

1279. in the frozen food section.

1280. Why is that?

1281. Because you could melt all this stuff.

1282. By the way,

1283. my name's Shaldeen.

1284. Hiya, Shaldeen.

1285. What's yours?

1286. My name's Tod.

1287. Tod. That's a beautiful name.

1288. It's Italian for...

1289. Extra special.

1290. Hello.

1291. Barney, how ya doing?

1292. What's going on, Vinnie?

1293. I'm in Reno.

1294. I just got married.

1295. Got what?

1296. Married.

1297. Say hello to Shaldeen.

1298. Shaldeen, say hello to Barney.

1299. Hi, Barney.

1300. Hi, Shaldeen.

1301. Put Vinnie back on, please.

1302. Sure, bye.

1303. Love her or what?

1304. I don't understand. You're already married.

1305. I didn't marry her under my real name.

1306. I said, Vinnie, you're already married.

1307. He said, don't worry.

1308. I didn't marry her under my real name.

1309. You're not going to book him for bigamy?

1310. Hannah doesn't find him as funny as I do.

1311. I see that it's funny.

1312. I have a sense of humor.

1313. Of course you have.

1314. Everyone thinks they have,

1315. even people who don't.

1316. You look nice.

1317. Thanks.

1318. Do you want to dance?

1319. I'm a terrible dancer.

1320. So am I,

1321. but I can do the merengue.

1322. They're not playing the merengue.

1323. They will.

1324. Thank you.

1325. 1, 2.

1326. She's a therapist.

1327. He owns a lumberyard.

1328. She left me for one of her patients.

1329. He left me for someone I carpooled with.

1330. Jamie, the 9-year-old, is the serious one.

1331. That's how it is with brothers.

1332. One's serious, the other's funny.

1333. Like with me and my brother.

1334. You're the serious one.

1335. I'm the funny one.

1336. Really.

1337. She moved to Wichita.

1338. I haven't seen her since.

1339. I see him constantly.

1340. He walks into the house without even knocking.

1341. Would you like to come in

1342. for some coffee or something?

1343. Well, if it won't wake up the kids.

1344. The kids are at my mother's.

1345. Your kids are at your mother's?

1346. Good morning!

1347. Guys!

1348. Hiya.

1349. Hey.

1350. You want to come into this house,

1351. you ring the damn bell!

1352. I'm sorry.

1353. Do you mind getting the door, please?

1354. Thank you.

1355. Aah!

1356. Ooh!

1357. You've chosen the right agent, sir.

1358. Barney, I've got you

1359. the assignment of your dreams!

1360. You're going undercover, buddy.

1361. Congratulations.

1362. We're launching a major sting operation tomorrow.

1363. Step into my parlor.

1364. At 1300 hours.

1365. Synchronize your watches, men.

1366. We get to be Canadians!

1367. I still have the witness to look after

1368. until he appears in court.

1369. He has one more court appearance.

1370. When?

1371. In three weeks.

1372. This is a very important assignment.

1373. You'll be out for as long as it takes...

1374. Four weeks, eight weeks, however long.

1375. I'll make sure someone's assigned to your witness.

1376. I assume that he'll stay out of trouble

1377. in the meantime, Coopersmith?

1378. He just fell in love, sir.

1379. You know how it is when you fall in love.

1380. Sir?

1381. Undercover!

1382. Undercover.

1383. You can't even call?

1384. We'll be stashed away.

1385. You can't use the phone

1386. for anything that's not related to the job.

1387. Someone could be tapping the phone.

1388. You could jeopardize the entire investigation.

1389. But you just got here.

1390. Ok, fellas, this is it.

1391. Let's go!

1392. You're Harry Redleaf, and you're Dicky Thorson.

1393. You're from Vancouver,

1394. and you're in town to buy stolen goods

1395. from a major hijacking ring.

1396. They'll contact you

1397. when they're ready to fence their goods.

1398. When will that be?

1399. Not today. It will be whenever it will be.

1400. So, me and Barney just sit here waiting?

1401. That's right.

1402. It will be much easier

1403. if you start calling each other

1404. Harry and dicky.

1405. So, dicky and me just sit here waiting?

1406. I hate that name. I really hate that name!

1407. Have a nice day at the office, honey.

1408. See you later, darling.

1409. Bye, honey.

1410. Jesus, look at this shit!

1411. Look at this rain!

1412. Bring it back here, Epstein!

1413. Back it up!

1414. Pull it a little to the left,

1415. just a little bit!

1416. Take it easy! That's it, hold it!

1417. What the hell is this?

1418. Where are the stereos?

1419. How are we going to fence this shit?

1420. Guys, what do you got?

1421. We got two big spenders in town.

1422. We got nothing to sell them.

1423. What the hell are we supposed to do with these?

1424. How many of these we got?

1425. See, you guys see a problem.

1426. I see potential.

1427. Have a nice day.

1428. How you doing?

1429. Would you mind us

1430. leaving this bottle here

1431. to raise money

1432. for the Fryburg little league?

1433. Not at all.

1434. Have a nice day.

1435. Hiya, kids!

1436. I'll see you next week.

1437. Lost track of how long we've been in here.

1438. Give me some idea.

1439. I don't know what's happening.

1440. We lost contact temporarily.

1441. What are we supposed to do?

1442. I'm wasting the best years of my life.

1443. I got a wife and a family

1444. I'm not with, dicky.

1445. You don't hear me complaining.

1446. You call me dicky one more time,

1447. and I'll kill you.

1448. Thank you.

1449. - Hi, Tod! - Hi, Tod!

1450. Hiya, Tommy. Hiya, Jamie.

1451. What's all that money for?

1452. I don't know.

1453. Race ya!

1454. I'm first, I'm first!

1455. I don't know what kind I'm getting.

1456. What can I do for you?

1457. I don't know yet.

1458. Got to look around.

1459. That looks really good.

1460. Take your time.

1461. I'll get chocolate chip.

1462. Coming up.

1463. Okey-doke.

1464. It's $1.00, right?

1465. 1 dollar.

1466. Chocolate chip.

1467. You want the cone or what?

1468. I changed my mind.

1469. Sorry.

1470. Maybe he'll put in night lights!

1471. No, he'll put in a dome and astroturf.

1472. Mom, you should've seen the money in the bottle.

1473. There's like trillions of dollars.

1474. It was our idea.

1475. Well, not exactly our idea,

1476. but we told him how awful the field was.

1477. He might put in bleachers.

1478. Yeah!

1479. And astroturf again!

1480. And maybe even a dome.

1481. All right.

1482. It's the first time in my life

1483. I try to do something for someone,

1484. repay my debt to society,

1485. and you arrest me for it.

1486. He might be telling the truth.

1487. It was all for the community.

1488. I swear on my mother's life.

1489. Let me do this.

1490. I live here.

1491. This is my home.

1492. For better or for worse.

1493. I love it here.

1494. And you were going to give the money

1495. to the community, weren't you?

1496. Yes. Yes!

1497. He was going to give the money

1498. to the community.

1499. When were you going to give the money

1500. to the community?

1501. When I had all of it, obviously.

1502. Listen, Mrs. Stubbs...

1503. Over here.

1504. Against the wall, sir.

1505. I'm a new man.

1506. This is not the old me.

1507. This is the new me.

1508. He seems like a completely different person.

1509. He seems totally different.

1510. Anyway, I'm not your problem.

1511. You have major crime going on right here

1512. under your nose.

1513. You're wasting your time with me.

1514. I'm nothing.

1515. I'm small potatoes.

1516. What I could tell you

1517. about what's going on around here

1518. if I wanted to,

1519. it's big.

1520. Come on, buddy.

1521. What if he's telling the truth?

1522. At least listen to him.

1523. Ok.

1524. What?

1525. Two of the biggest fences in north America

1526. are sitting right here in Fryburg,

1527. ready to make a deal

1528. on everything in town that isn't nailed down.

1529. They're looking to buy a ton of swag

1530. and ship it out of here in boxcars.

1531. Hannah!

1532. Are you trying to make a deal with me?

1533. I don't know. Am I?

1534. There's no deal if they're not here.

1535. They're here.

1536. If he said they're here, they'll be here.

1537. Yeah. Harry Redleaf and Dicky Thorson.

1538. From Vancouver.

1539. Did I tell you they were from Vancouver,

1540. or did I tell you they were from Vancouver?

1541. Let's go.

1542. First left out the door.

1543. Here you go. Thank you.

1544. They never leave the room.

1545. They just sit there

1546. like they waiting on something.

1547. Did I tell you, or did I tell you?

1548. What about male customers

1549. buying things for their wives?

1550. They all watch Oprah Winfrey.

1551. Police!

1552. Police!

1553. Police! Freeze!

1554. You're under Ar... rest.

1555. Hannah.

1556. Bastard.

1557. You bastard!

1558. I had no idea!

1559. For once in my life, I'm telling...

1560. The deal is off!

1561. I'm arresting you

1562. for a scam moneymaking scheme

1563. to build a little league park.

1564. And furthermore,

1565. I'm indicting you under your real name.

1566. Cuff him!

1567. He has to testify in New York in three days,

1568. but he won't make it

1569. because by tomorrow

1570. this story's in the newspaper

1571. and every hit man in America will be here.

1572. I seriously doubt that.

1573. You want to bet?

1574. I never bet when I'm sure I'm right.

1575. Presumably you haven't done much betting,

1576. since you've only been wrong

1577. once in your life.

1578. Twice.

1579. Hannah.

1580. There you are.

1581. Barney! Thank god!

1582. You got to get me out of this mess!

1583. That's the way it's been your whole life.

1584. You spill your milk,

1585. and somebody else cleans it up.

1586. I'm not cleaning up your mess this time.

1587. Lighten up.

1588. Is that your solution,

1589. that it's somebody else's problem?

1590. You steal a little swordfish,

1591. and Hannah should lighten up?

1592. You pretend to raise money for the little league,

1593. and the community should lighten up?

1594. Hannah turns against me,

1595. and I should lighten up?

1596. Barney... I've upset you. I'm sorry.

1597. What kind of jail is this?

1598. I don't like to use this bathroom,

1599. so they let me use the office bathroom.

1600. Isn't there a guard?

1601. Everything all right, Vinnie?

1602. Jimmy, yeah. No problem. Thanks.

1603. Come on in. Come on in.

1604. Sit down.

1605. You have a pillow

1606. with your name embroidered on it?

1607. Yeah, crystal made that for me.

1608. It's nice, isn't it?

1609. Hey...

1610. At least you never got involved with her.

1611. I can't believe I even suggested it!

1612. Don't you understand, Vinnie?

1613. I'm in love with Hannah.

1614. And now she hates me, and it's all your fault.

1615. I'm so pissed at you! I'm really pissed, ok?

1616. Ok.

1617. Why is it my fault?

1618. Because you are a blight on this community,

1619. and I put you here, so she blames me.

1620. Barney, I am sorry.

1621. Yeah, right.

1622. I am. Really, I am. I owe you.

1623. You saved my life

1624. that night in New York.

1625. I could never shoot at anyone.

1626. I never touched a gun in my life.

1627. It doomed me forever to middle management,

1628. and that's the truth.

1629. I should do something. What could I do?

1630. Vinnie, don't do anything.

1631. Please, stop doing things.

1632. I have to make a phone call.

1633. Now what?

1634. I am entitled to make a phone call,

1635. am I not?

1636. Jailer.

1637. Should I use the office line

1638. or the coffee room line?

1639. Our position, your honor,

1640. is that we be permitted

1641. to hold Mr. Antonelli without bail.

1642. Every day he is on the streets,

1643. he commits a crime.

1644. And while that may be all right

1645. in places like New York

1646. where people are used to it,

1647. here in Fryburg, every citizen is a victim.

1648. Hear, hear!

1649. That's right.

1650. Mr. Coopersmith.

1651. Your honor, speaking

1652. for the federal bureau of investigation,

1653. our position is that Mr. Antonelli

1654. must not spend another night in jail.

1655. He's in danger.

1656. He must be protected so that he can testify.

1657. We ask that you Grant bail

1658. and release him in our custody.

1659. Your honor, this is exactly what the FBI does.

1660. It pretends this man is in danger

1661. when no one cares about him one bit.

1662. There's all this melodrama,

1663. as if cartoon hit men in white-on-white ties

1664. are going to walk in and try to kill him.

1665. Obviously, this is preposterous scenario,

1666. the sort of paranoid fantasy that...

1667. Duck!

1668. Duck!

1669. Hannah!

1670. Get down, get down!

1671. You ok?

1672. Move! Go to the stand!

1673. I got to get out of here.

1674. Follow me.

1675. Get going, Coopersmith!

1676. Vinnie! Where is he? Vinnie!

1677. It's all right, everybody!

1678. They're gone!

1679. Use my car.

1680. Great.

1681. Take my keys.

1682. Thanks.

1683. Take my gun.

1684. Wow.

1685. You saved my life.

1686. I'm in your debt forever.

1687. That's how it works.

1688. Take me!

1689. Get in.

1690. Just pretend I'm your hostage.

1691. I can't believe it.

1692. You're actually building this.

1693. Yo, Vinnie! Yo, look at this!

1694. Hey, Dino, Nicky, Benny!

1695. Looking good! Looking good!

1696. Mom! Guess what he built.

1697. I know. Ok, hold on a sec.

1698. It's so awesome.

1699. Hannah, Hannah! Isn't he wonderful?

1700. Why didn't you say anything

1701. about this ball park when I arrested you?

1702. What, and ruin the surprise?

1703. You didn't say anything about this ball park

1704. because there was nothing to say.

1705. You arranged all this from jail

1706. to avoid prosecution for embezzlement.

1707. Now that hurts.

1708. Because this was my intention

1709. from the very beginning.

1710. The children needed a ball park,

1711. and I responded.

1712. See...

1713. I know how it feels to be disappointed.

1714. When I was 7 years old... No, 8...

1715. All I wanted for Christmas

1716. was a new red bicycle.

1717. My favorite uncle, uncle Alfresco,

1718. swore to me that he would buy me that bicycle.

1719. I counted the days until Christmas.

1720. 5:00, Christmas morning,

1721. I run down...

1722. All right. Nobody move.

1723. This is just between Vinnie and us.

1724. Guys, I'm in the middle of an anecdote.

1725. Come here and nobody gets hurt.

1726. Ok, ok.

1727. Come on, kids, move back.

1728. And everybody just get out of the way!

1729. Take Vincent!

1730. Go, Vinnie!

1731. Aah!

1732. All right, freeze!

1733. Hold it right there!

1734. Nice action.

1735. Thanks.

1736. I thought...

1737. I lied.

1738. Now, where was I? Yes.

1739. 5:00, Christmas morning,

1740. I run downstairs and look under the tree,

1741. and what do I find?

1742. Uncle Alfresco dead on the floor,

1743. shot through the back of the head.

1744. Plus, no bicycle.

1745. It was a disappointing Christmas

1746. on many levels.

1747. So you can accuse me of many things.

1748. But never for one moment

1749. did I intend to rip off these beautiful children.

1750. Isn't that right, Barney?

1751. Yeah. Vinnie told me

1752. about this little league thing months ago.

1753. And the only reason

1754. I didn't say anything about it

1755. was 'cause it was supposed to be a surprise

1756. for the kids.

1757. Do you expect me to believe this?

1758. Yes, I do.

1759. How about it?

1760. Nice.

1761. Very nice.

1762. Hey, hey!

1763. Now, when you guys are laying this sod,

1764. remember,

1765. green side up. Green side up.

1766. Ok.

1767. Hey, crystal, I want to show you this.

1768. Now, what's going to happen here...

1769. Fresh peanuts!

1770. Get ice-cold soda!

1771. Hot dogs!

1772. Car radios!

1773. Peanuts! Peanuts!

1774. Cds!

1775. Get your cannolis, zeppoli,

1776. veal cutlet hero!

1777. Get the new best-seller, how I got here...

1778. Adventures in a life of crime and punishment.

1779. Autographed by the criminal himself.

1780. Are you going to read it or buy it?

1781. I can't believe I'm back in this crummy town.

1782. I must be working out some screwed-up Karma.

1783. Who would've thought

1784. we'd each have two husbands in a row

1785. who were in the federal witness program?

1786. You know, this lawn reminds...

1787. Here, sweetie.

1788. Let's have a good game.

1789. Hey, umpire.

1790. Yeah?

1791. I got a little proposition to make you.

1792. The Fryburg turtles...

1793. They're going to win?

1794. And now, Fryburg city council's

1795. man of the year,

1796. Mr. Vincent Antonelli,

1797. will throw out the first ball.

1798. Hey, all right, all right.

1799. Thank you.

1800. Thank you. Thank you very much.

1801. Hey, come here, kids. Come on, come.

1802. Whoa, look at these guys! Looking good! Whoa!

1803. How about that?

1804. Whoa!

1805. Merengue!

1806. My boy Vinnie!

1807. Good boy!

1808. Hey, yeah!

1809. Ooh!

1810. Yes!

1811. Thank you.

1812. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1813. Hey, crystal, how's our little one?

1814. Turtles all the way!

1815. Play ball!

1816. You know,

1817. sometimes I even amaze myself.

1818. Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

1819. Captioned by the national captioning institute —www.ncicap.org—