1. Sit on my face
and tell me that you love meCopy !req
2. I'll sit on your face
and tell you I love you tooCopy !req
3. I love to hear you oralizeCopy !req
4. When I'm between your thighsCopy !req
5. You blow me awayCopy !req
6. Sit on my face
and let my lips embrace youCopy !req
7. I'll sit on your face
and then I'll love you trulyCopy !req
8. Life can be fine if we both 69Copy !req
9. If we sit on our faces
in all sorts of places and playCopy !req
10. Till we're blown awayCopy !req
11. Hello, good evening
and welcomeCopy !req
12. to the Ronald Reagan
Memorial Bowl,Copy !req
13. here in the pretty little
L.A. suburb of Hollywood,Copy !req
14. where we're about to witness
all in wrestling,Copy !req
15. brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
16. by the makers of Scum,Copy !req
17. the world's first ever
combined hair oil,Copy !req
18. foot ointment,
and salad dressing.Copy !req
19. And the makers of Titan,
the novelty nuclear missile!Copy !req
20. You never know
when it'll go off!Copy !req
21. Surprise your friends,
amuse your enemies,Copy !req
22. start the party with a bang!Copy !req
23. Introducing,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight,Copy !req
24. all the way from
a mud-wrestling tourCopy !req
25. of the OPEC countries,Copy !req
26. in the red corner:
Colin "Bomber" Harris!Copy !req
27. and, ladies and gentlemen,
in the blue corner,Copy !req
28. all the way from
a mud-wrestling tourCopy !req
29. of the OPEC countries,
Colin "Bomber" Harris!Copy !req
30. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the first timeCopy !req
31. that Colin "Bomber" Harris
has met himself.Copy !req
32. A few formalities now,
any moment now,Copy !req
33. we'll be ready
for the start of Round One.Copy !req
34. There goes the bell!Copy !req
35. Colin moves to the middle
of the ring there,Copy !req
36. he's looking for an opening,
going for the handhold.Copy !req
37. He's got it!
Into the head-squeeze.Copy !req
38. A head-squeeze there.Copy !req
39. A favorite move of Colin's
at this opening stage.Copy !req
40. Flying there,Copy !req
41. and already Colin is working
on that weak left knee of his!Copy !req
42. A half nelson.Copy !req
43. A half nelson
and a Philadelphia Half-Lotus,Copy !req
44. and Colin bit himself
on purpose there,Copy !req
45. and he has been given
a public warning by the referee,Copy !req
46. and Colin did not like that
one little bit!Copy !req
47. Forearm.
Double overhead nostril.Copy !req
48. Back-kick,
and into the Boston crayfish—Copy !req
49. no, it's a crawfish,
or is it a langoustine?Copy !req
50. No, it's a langoustine!
A lovely move there!Copy !req
51. He's caught himself by surprise
and that is it,Copy !req
52. the first fall to
Colin "Bomber" Harris!Copy !req
53. Swell! A lovely move there!Copy !req
54. And Colin must be
pretty pleased with himselfCopy !req
55. having caught himself out
with that one!Copy !req
56. And a forearm chop.
A strawberry whip,Copy !req
57. a vanilla whip,
a chocolate whip...Copy !req
58. There it is,
Colin's most famous hold:Copy !req
59. the one-leg-over-shoulder
Gerry Ford,Copy !req
60. and Colin's in real trouble!Copy !req
61. He's just made it to the rope,Copy !req
62. just a little lucky there,
I feel.Copy !req
63. There it is,
a double Eydie Gorme,Copy !req
64. should be able
to twist out of this,Copy !req
65. and he does,
but he's looking pretty groggy.Copy !req
66. And I think
he's caught himself thereCopy !req
67. with two forearm smashes,
and that is it!Copy !req
68. Colin "Bomber" Harris
has knocked himself outCopy !req
69. and so he is the winnerCopy !req
70. and he goes on next week
to meet himself in the final!Copy !req
71. Never be rude to an ArabCopy !req
72. An Israeli or Saudi or JewCopy !req
73. Never be rude to an IrishmanCopy !req
74. No matter what you doCopy !req
75. Never pull fun at a niggerCopy !req
76. A Spic or a Wop or a KrautCopy !req
77. And never poke—Copy !req
78. Michelangelo to see you,
your Holiness.Copy !req
79. Who?Copy !req
80. Michelangelo,
the famous renaissance artistCopy !req
81. whose best known works includeCopy !req
82. the ceiling
of the Sistine Chapel,Copy !req
83. and the celebrated
statue of David.Copy !req
84. Very well.Copy !req
85. In 1514,
he returned to Florence and—Copy !req
86. All right, that's enough,
that's enough,Copy !req
87. they've got it now!Copy !req
88. - Good evening, your Holiness.
- Evening, Michelangelo.Copy !req
89. I want to have a word with you
about this painting of yours,Copy !req
90. "The Last Supper."Copy !req
91. - Oh, yeah?
- I'm not happy about it.Copy !req
92. Oh, dear. It took me hours.Copy !req
93. Not happy at all.Copy !req
94. Is it the Jell-O you don't like?Copy !req
95. No.Copy !req
96. Now they do add a bit of color,
don't they?Copy !req
97. Oh, I know,
you don't like the kangaroo?Copy !req
98. - What kangaroo?
- No problem, I'll paint him out.Copy !req
99. I never saw a kangaroo!Copy !req
100. He's right in the back.
I'll paint him out!Copy !req
101. No sweat,
I'll make him into a disciple.Copy !req
102. - All right?
- That's the problem.Copy !req
103. - What is?
- The disciples.Copy !req
104. Are they too Jewish?Copy !req
105. I made Judas the most Jewish.Copy !req
106. No, it's just that
there are 28 of them.Copy !req
107. Oh, well, another one
will never matter,Copy !req
108. I'll make the kangaroo
into another one.Copy !req
109. No, that's not the point.Copy !req
110. All right.
Well, I'll lose the kangaroo.Copy !req
111. Be honest, I wasn't
perfectly happy with it.Copy !req
112. That's not the point.
There are 28 disciples!Copy !req
113. - Too many?
- Well, of course it's too many!Copy !req
114. Yeah, I know that,Copy !req
115. but I wanted
to give the impressionCopy !req
116. of a real last supper, you know?
Not just any old last supper.Copy !req
117. Not like a last meal
or a final snack.Copy !req
118. But, you know,
I wanted to give the impressionCopy !req
119. of a real mother of a blow-out,
you know?Copy !req
120. There were only 12 disciples
at the last supper.Copy !req
121. Well, maybe some of the
other ones came along after—Copy !req
122. There were only 12 altogether.Copy !req
123. Well, maybe some of their
friends came by, you know?Copy !req
124. Look!
There were just 12 disciplesCopy !req
125. and our Lord at the last supper.
The Bible clearly says so.Copy !req
126. - No friends?
- No friends.Copy !req
127. - Waiters?
- No.Copy !req
128. - Cabaret?
- No!Copy !req
129. You see, I like them, they
help to flesh out the scene,Copy !req
130. - I could lose a few—
- Look!Copy !req
131. There were only 12 disciples—Copy !req
132. I've got it! I've got it!Copy !req
133. We'll call it
"The Last But One Supper"!Copy !req
134. What?Copy !req
135. Well there must have been one,
if there was a last one,Copy !req
136. there must have been
a one before that, so this...Copy !req
137. is the "Penultimate Supper"!Copy !req
138. The Bible doesn't sayCopy !req
139. how many people were there,
now, does it?Copy !req
140. - No—
- Well there you are, then!Copy !req
141. Look! The last supper
is a significant eventCopy !req
142. in the life of our Lord,
the penultimate supper was not!Copy !req
143. Even if they had a conjurer
and a mariachi band.Copy !req
144. Now, a last supper
I commissioned from you,Copy !req
145. and a last supper I want!Copy !req
146. With 12 disciples
and one Christ!Copy !req
147. - One?
- Yes, one!Copy !req
148. Now will you please tell me
what in God's name possessed youCopy !req
149. to paint this
with three Christs in it?Copy !req
150. - It works, mate!
- Works?Copy !req
151. Yeah! It looks great!Copy !req
152. The fat one balances
the two skinny ones.Copy !req
153. There was only one Redeemer!Copy !req
154. I know that, we all know that,Copy !req
155. what about a bit
of artistic license?Copy !req
156. Well one Messiah is what I want!Copy !req
157. I'll tell you what you want,
mate!Copy !req
158. You want a bloody photographer!
That's what you want.Copy !req
159. - Not a bloody creative artist—
- I'll tell you what I want!Copy !req
160. I want a last supper with
one Christ, 12 disciples,Copy !req
161. no kangaroos,
no trampoline acts,Copy !req
162. by Thursday lunch,
or you don't get paid!Copy !req
163. Bloody fascist!Copy !req
164. Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am!Copy !req
165. May not know much about art,
but I know what I like!Copy !req
166. Never be rude to a Pollack—Copy !req
167. Hello, and welcome to Munich,
for the 27th Silly Olympiad,Copy !req
168. an event held traditionally
every 3.7 years,Copy !req
169. which this year
has brought together competitorsCopy !req
170. from over four million
different countries.Copy !req
171. And here we areCopy !req
172. at the start of the first event
of the afternoon:Copy !req
173. the second semifinal
of the 100 yardsCopy !req
174. for people
with no sense of direction.Copy !req
175. I'll just give you
the competitors:Copy !req
176. Lane one, Skolomovski of Poland,
lane two, Zatapatique of France,Copy !req
177. lane three,
Gropovich of the United States.Copy !req
178. Next to him,
Drabble of Trinidad.Copy !req
179. Next to him, Fernandez of Spain,Copy !req
180. and in the outside lane,
Bormann of Brazil.Copy !req
181. Set!Copy !req
182. Well, that was fun, wasn't it?Copy !req
183. And now, over to the other end
of the stadium.Copy !req
184. And here we're just waiting
for the start of the 1500 metersCopy !req
185. for the deaf.Copy !req
186. And they're under
starter's orders.Copy !req
187. Well, we'll be coming back
the moment there's any action.Copy !req
188. And now over to the swimming.Copy !req
189. And you join us here
at the Bundesabsurd poolCopy !req
190. just in time to see the start
of the 200 meters freestyleCopy !req
191. for non-swimmers.Copy !req
192. Watch for the tough Australian
champion, Ron Barnett,Copy !req
193. in the second lane.Copy !req
194. Well, we'll be bringing you
back hereCopy !req
195. the moment they start
fishing the corpses out.Copy !req
196. But now over to Hans Clegg
for the start of the marathonCopy !req
197. for incontinents.Copy !req
198. Well, we've got an enormous
entry for this event.Copy !req
199. Forty-four competitors
from 29 different countries,Copy !req
200. all of them with the most
superbly weak bladders.Copy !req
201. Not a tight sphincter in sight.Copy !req
202. Ready to embark, nevertheless,
on the world's longest race,Copy !req
203. and they're just aching to go!Copy !req
204. On your marks! Get set!Copy !req
205. And they're off! They're off!Copy !req
206. Well, back at the 1500 metersCopy !req
207. and the starter is putting up
a magnificent show!Copy !req
208. We've had volleys, rapid bursts,
scattered random fire,Copy !req
209. fusillades firing,Copy !req
210. well, and still he can't
get the buggers moving.Copy !req
211. It's enough to make you
chew your own foot off!Copy !req
212. And now the high jump!Copy !req
213. Katerina Ovelenski
for the Soviet Union.Copy !req
214. But what a jump! What a jump!
That's got to be a record!Copy !req
215. And here we are
at the 3000 meter steeplechaseCopy !req
216. for people who think
they're chickens!Copy !req
217. There's Samuelsson
of the United States,Copy !req
218. and over there
is Klaus of East Germany!Copy !req
219. He's been a Rhode Island Red now
for the last three Olympics.Copy !req
220. There's the referee
trying to get them going,Copy !req
221. but he's frightened them.Copy !req
222. There's the leader,
Abe Seagull of CanadaCopy !req
223. who went off,
got a very good start,Copy !req
224. then settled down there
on the water jump,Copy !req
225. and has now gone broody.Copy !req
226. Now we're back with the marathon
for incontinents once again.Copy !req
227. There's Polinski of Poland
in the lead,Copy !req
228. and now Brewer of Australia
is taking over!Copy !req
229. There's Laparche of France.Copy !req
230. Brewer has overtaken him,
but he's going to spend a penny.Copy !req
231. There goes Brewer
to spend a penny.Copy !req
232. And there goes König of Austria.Copy !req
233. And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba,Copy !req
234. followed by
the plucky Norwegian, Bors.Copy !req
235. They're in and out like yo-yos,
these boys.Copy !req
236. And there's MacNaughton.
MacNaughton the Scottish lad,Copy !req
237. but he can't hold it.Copy !req
238. It's Machievic,
Machievic of YugoslaviaCopy !req
239. has taken over;
he can't hold it either.Copy !req
240. Well, well, these must be
some of the weakest bladdersCopy !req
241. ever to represent
their countries!Copy !req
242. And now, let's have a look backCopy !req
243. at what's going on
down on stage!Copy !req
244. Good evening, ladies and Bruces!Copy !req
245. - Hello, Bruce.
- G'day, Bruce.Copy !req
246. - How are ya, Bruce?
- What's all this lot, Bruce?Copy !req
247. It's very nice to be here at
the Hollywood Bowl this evening!Copy !req
248. We're all philosophy professorsCopy !req
249. from the University
of Woolamaloa, Australia!Copy !req
250. Australia, Australia, Australia!
God love ya!Copy !req
251. I teach Hegelian philosophy,Copy !req
252. Bruce here
teaches Aristotelian philosophy,Copy !req
253. and Bruce here
is in charge of the sheep dip.Copy !req
254. Bloody difficult work,
I tell ya!Copy !req
255. I'll tell you what,
it's thirsty workCopy !req
256. watching this kind of humor,
Bruce.Copy !req
257. Why don't you stick out a few
of these little free samplesCopy !req
258. - from your Esky and leave—
- What, give these...Copy !req
259. Give these Americans
our precious cans of—Copy !req
260. See how awful they are,
grasping and go-getting.Copy !req
261. Okay, one over there.Copy !req
262. You can feel morally superior
and smug.Copy !req
263. Right, there's one coming
right over there.Copy !req
264. Mind out, Charlies!Copy !req
265. A big one, one big one,
there we go!Copy !req
266. All right! Now, the reason
we do this, ladies and Bruces,Copy !req
267. is frankly over here
we find your American beerCopy !req
268. is a little like making love
in a canoe!Copy !req
269. Making love in a canoe?Copy !req
270. It's fucking close to water!Copy !req
271. Piss!Copy !req
272. Well now, we're going to try
and raise the tone a little hereCopy !req
273. by singing
a nice intellectual songCopy !req
274. for those two or three of you
in the audience...Copy !req
275. Right!Copy !req
276. who understand these things.
So, here we go!Copy !req
277. Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stableCopy !req
278. Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggarCopy !req
279. Who could drink you
under the tableCopy !req
280. David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and HegelCopy !req
281. And Wittgenstein
was a beery swineCopy !req
282. Who was just as sloshed
as SchlegelCopy !req
283. There's nothing Nietszche
couldn't teach yaCopy !req
284. 'Bout the raising of the wristCopy !req
285. Socrates himself
was permanently pissedCopy !req
286. Just a...Copy !req
287. How do you like that? All right!Copy !req
288. Let's hold it a second.
I can see some of these BrucesCopy !req
289. are in a bit of a playful mood
tonight.Copy !req
290. - Right, Bruce?
- Some of them, yeah.Copy !req
291. Some of the ones that don't have
straws up their nose.Copy !req
292. Anyway, why don't we
do something rather fun?Copy !req
293. Why don't we get some of these
guys to sing along with us, OK?Copy !req
294. And some of the Shielas, too.Copy !req
295. Tell them the words then,
please.Copy !req
296. OK,
I've got the words somewhere.Copy !req
297. Right. Ready!Copy !req
298. Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stableCopy !req
299. Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy...Copy !req
300. They're a typical
Hollywood audience!Copy !req
301. All the kids are on drugs,Copy !req
302. and all the adults
are on roller skates!Copy !req
303. Why not?Copy !req
304. Very philosophical, Bruce,
I like it.Copy !req
305. Have we got any...
have we got anything biggerCopy !req
306. to put the words up for these
rather short-sighted people?Copy !req
307. This is Bruce
from the Biology Department.Copy !req
308. All right. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
309. Good morning. I'm sorry
to have kept you waiting,Copy !req
310. but I'm afraid my walk has
become rather sillier recently,Copy !req
311. so it takes me longer
to get to the office.Copy !req
312. Now, what was it again?Copy !req
313. Well sir, I-I-I-I have got
a silly walkCopy !req
314. and I'd like to obtain
government backingCopy !req
315. to help me develop it.Copy !req
316. I see. Well, may I see
this silly walk of yours?Copy !req
317. Yes, certainly.Copy !req
318. Yes, I see,
tha-tha-that's it, is it?Copy !req
319. Well, yes, that's it.Copy !req
320. Yes, yes, yes. It's not
particularly silly, is it?Copy !req
321. I mean, the left leg isn't silly
at all and the right legCopy !req
322. merely does a forward
aerial O'Brien half turnCopy !req
323. every alternate step.Copy !req
324. Yes, but I feel
with a federal grant,Copy !req
325. I could make it
a lot more silly.Copy !req
326. Mr. Stagback, the very real
problem is one of finance.Copy !req
327. You see, there's defense,
education, housing, health,Copy !req
328. social security, silly walks.Copy !req
329. They're all supposed
to get the same.Copy !req
330. But last year, the government
spent less on Silly WalksCopy !req
331. than they did
on industrial reorganization.Copy !req
332. We're supposed to get
348 million pounds a yearCopy !req
333. to cover our entire
Silly Walks program.Copy !req
334. - Coffee?
- Yes, please.Copy !req
335. Hello, Mrs. Twolumps... Could we
have two cups of coffee, please?Copy !req
336. Yes, Mr. Teabag.Copy !req
337. Mad as a hatter.Copy !req
338. You see, the Israelis
already have a manCopy !req
339. who can take his own
left leg off and swallow itCopy !req
340. with every alternate step.
Whereas the Japanese,Copy !req
341. cunning, electronically obsessed
little...Copy !req
342. Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps.Copy !req
343. You're... you're really
interested in silly walks,Copy !req
344. - aren't you?
- Rather!Copy !req
345. Right, well,
take a look at this!Copy !req
346. Oh, I've had a bitch of
a morning in the high court!Copy !req
347. Oh, I could stamp
my little feet,Copy !req
348. the way those counsellors
carry on.Copy !req
349. Oh, don't I know it, love.Copy !req
350. Oh, dear, objection here,
objection there.Copy !req
351. And that nice policeman
giving his evidence so well!Copy !req
352. Beautiful speaking voice.Copy !req
353. And what a body!Copy !req
354. Well, after a bit all I could do
was bang me gavel.Copy !req
355. - You what, love?
- I banged me gavel!Copy !req
356. - Oh, get away!
- I did!Copy !req
357. I did my "silence in court" bit.Copy !req
358. If looks could have killed,Copy !req
359. that prosecuting counsel
would have been in for 30 years.Copy !req
360. How did your summing-up go?Copy !req
361. Actually...Copy !req
362. I did my butch voice,
you know,Copy !req
363. "what the jury must understand",
and they loved it!Copy !req
364. I could see that little
curly-headed foreman of the juryCopy !req
365. - eyeing me!
- Really?Copy !req
366. Oh, yeah. Cheeky devil!Copy !req
367. I finished up with—
I got really strict:Copy !req
368. "The actions
of these vicious menCopy !req
369. are a violent stain
upon the community,Copy !req
370. and the full penalty of the lawCopy !req
371. is scarcely sufficient to deal
with their ghastly crimes!"Copy !req
372. And I waggled me wig!Copy !req
373. - You waggled you what?
- I waggled me wig!Copy !req
374. Really?Copy !req
375. That was the only thing
I waggled.Copy !req
376. Ever so slightly,
stunning effect.Copy !req
377. Anyway, I gave him three years.
He only took ten minutes.Copy !req
378. Well, as I said to Melvin Belly
the other day, you know:Copy !req
379. "You can put it in the hand
of your attorneys,Copy !req
380. but it'll never stand up
in court!"Copy !req
381. Oh, I know what you mean.Copy !req
382. Good evening.
Tonight on World ForumCopy !req
383. we are deeply privileged
to have with us Karl Marx,Copy !req
384. the founder of modern socialismCopy !req
385. and author of
the Communist Manifesto;Copy !req
386. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov,Copy !req
387. better known to the world
as Lenin,Copy !req
388. leader of the
Russian Revolution,Copy !req
389. writer, statesman,
and father of modern socialism;Copy !req
390. Che Guevara,
the Bolivian guerilla leader;Copy !req
391. and Mao Tse-tung,Copy !req
392. chairman of the Chinese
Communist Party since 1949.Copy !req
393. And the first question
is for you, Karl Marx.Copy !req
394. "The Hammers."Copy !req
395. "The Hammers" is the nickname
of what English football team?Copy !req
396. "The Hammers."Copy !req
397. No? Well, bad luck, Karl.
It is, in fact, West Ham United.Copy !req
398. Now, Che Guevara. Che.Copy !req
399. Coventry CityCopy !req
400. last won the English
Football Cup in what year?Copy !req
401. No?
I can throw the question open.Copy !req
402. Anybody else?Copy !req
403. Coventry City last won
the English Football CupCopy !req
404. in what year?Copy !req
405. No, well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.Copy !req
406. It is in fact a trick question.Copy !req
407. Coventry City have never won
the English Football Cup.Copy !req
408. So now with the scores all even,
it's on to Round two,Copy !req
409. and Lenin, your starter
for ten dollars...Copy !req
410. Jerry Lee LewisCopy !req
411. has had over 17 major solid
gold hits in the U.S. of A.Copy !req
412. What's the name of the biggest?Copy !req
413. Jerry Lee Lewis'
solid gold biggie?Copy !req
414. No?Copy !req
415. - Yes, Mao Tse-tung?
- "Great Balls of Fire"?Copy !req
416. Yes, it was indeed!Copy !req
417. Very well challenged.Copy !req
418. Well, now we come on
to our third round.Copy !req
419. Our contestant tonight
is Karl MarxCopy !req
420. and our special prize
is this beautiful lounge suite!Copy !req
421. Karl has elected
to answer questionsCopy !req
422. on workers'
control of factories,Copy !req
423. so here we go with question
number one. You, nervous, Karl?Copy !req
424. Just a little.Copy !req
425. Well never mind, Karl,
have a go!Copy !req
426. The development
of the industrial proletariatCopy !req
427. is conditioned by
what other development?Copy !req
428. The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.Copy !req
429. Good! Yes, it is indeed!
Well done, Karl!Copy !req
430. You're on your way
to a lounge suite!Copy !req
431. Now Karl, number two.Copy !req
432. The struggle of class against
class is a what struggle?Copy !req
433. - A political struggle.
- Good! Yes, it is indeed.Copy !req
434. Well done, Karl!
One final question,Copy !req
435. and that beautiful
non-materialistic lounge suiteCopy !req
436. will be yours!Copy !req
437. Ready, Karl? You're a brave man.
Your final question:Copy !req
438. Who won the English Football Cup
in 1949?Copy !req
439. The workers control
the means of production?Copy !req
440. The struggle
of the urban proletariat?Copy !req
441. No, it was
Wolverhampton WanderersCopy !req
442. who beat Leicester 3-1.Copy !req
443. Oh, shit!Copy !req
444. Get out of here!Copy !req
445. Well, no one leaves this show
empty-handed,Copy !req
446. so we're gonna
cut off his hands.Copy !req
447. Well, now,
it's talent-spotting time,Copy !req
448. ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
449. and please see if you can spot
any talentCopy !req
450. in our next competitors.Copy !req
451. Will you please give a very
big hand and a warm welcomeCopy !req
452. to Carl Weetabix and Rita!Copy !req
453. I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I've got speedCopy !req
454. I've got everything I needCopy !req
455. I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I can flyCopy !req
456. I'm a supersonic guyCopy !req
457. I don't need pleasure,
I don't feel painCopy !req
458. If you were to knock me down,
I'd just get up againCopy !req
459. I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I'm making outCopy !req
460. I'm all aboutCopy !req
461. I wake up every morning
with a smile upon my faceCopy !req
462. My natural exuberance
spills out all over the placeCopy !req
463. I'm the urban spaceman,
I'm intelligent and cleanCopy !req
464. Know what I mean?Copy !req
465. I'm the urban spaceman,
as a lover, second to noneCopy !req
466. It's a lot of funCopy !req
467. I never let my friends down,
I could have made a boobCopy !req
468. I'm a glossy magazine,
an advert on the tubeCopy !req
469. I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
here comes the twistCopy !req
470. I don't existCopy !req
471. - Mr. Hilton?
- Yes.Copy !req
472. You are sole proprietor
and ownerCopy !req
473. of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?Copy !req
474. I am.Copy !req
475. Constable Parrot and I
are from the Hygiene Squad...Copy !req
476. Oh, yes.Copy !req
477. and we'd like to have
a word with youCopy !req
478. about your box of chocolates
entitledCopy !req
479. "The Whizzo Quality Assortment."Copy !req
480. Good, yes.Copy !req
481. If I may begin at the beginning.Copy !req
482. First, there is
the Cherry Fondue.Copy !req
483. Now this is extremely nasty,Copy !req
484. but we can't prosecute you
for that!Copy !req
485. Agreed.Copy !req
486. Next we have number four,
"Crunchy Frog."Copy !req
487. Yes.Copy !req
488. Am I right in thinking
there's a real frog in here?Copy !req
489. Yes, a little one.Copy !req
490. - Is it cooked?
- No.Copy !req
491. What, a raw frog?Copy !req
492. We use only
the finest baby frogs,Copy !req
493. dew picked and flown from Iraq,Copy !req
494. cleansed in the finest quality
spring water, lightly killed,Copy !req
495. and sealed in a succulent
Swiss quintuple-smoothCopy !req
496. full-cream treble
milk chocolate envelope,Copy !req
497. and lovingly frosted
with glucose!Copy !req
498. That's as may be,
but it's still a frog!Copy !req
499. What else would it be?Copy !req
500. Well, don't you even
take the bones out?Copy !req
501. If we took the bones out,Copy !req
502. it wouldn't be crunchy,
would it?Copy !req
503. Constable Parrot
ate one of those!Copy !req
504. Would you excuse me
for a moment, sir?Copy !req
505. Yes.Copy !req
506. Well, it says "Crunchy Frog"
quite clearly.Copy !req
507. Well, never mind that.Copy !req
508. We have to protect the public.
People aren't going to thinkCopy !req
509. there's a real frog
in chocolate.Copy !req
510. The superintendent
thought it was an Almond Whirl.Copy !req
511. They're bound to think
it's some kind of mock frog.Copy !req
512. Mock frog?Copy !req
513. We use no artificial
preservatives or additivesCopy !req
514. of any kind!Copy !req
515. Nevertheless,
I advise you to in futureCopy !req
516. to replace the words
"Crunchy Frog"Copy !req
517. with the legend "Crunchy, raw,
unboned, real, dead frog"Copy !req
518. if you want to avoid
prosecution.Copy !req
519. What about our sales?Copy !req
520. I don't give a damn
about your sales.Copy !req
521. We have to protect the public!Copy !req
522. Now, what was this one?
Number five.Copy !req
523. It was number five, wasn't it?Copy !req
524. Number five:
"Ram's Bladder Cup!"Copy !req
525. Now what kind of confection
is this?Copy !req
526. We use choicest juicy chunks
of fresh Cornish ram's bladder,Copy !req
527. emptied, steamed,
flavored with sesame seeds,Copy !req
528. whipped into a fondue,
and garnished with larks' vomit!Copy !req
529. - Larks' vomit?
- Correct.Copy !req
530. It doesn't say anything
down here about larks' vomit!Copy !req
531. Yes, it does.Copy !req
532. On the bottom of the box,
after monosodium glutamate.Copy !req
533. I hardly think
this is good enough!Copy !req
534. It would be more appropriate
if the box bore a big red label.Copy !req
535. "Larks' Vomit!"Copy !req
536. Our sales would plummet!Copy !req
537. Well, why don't you move intoCopy !req
538. more conventional areas
of confectionery,Copy !req
539. like praline or lime cream,Copy !req
540. a very popular flavor
I'm led to understand,Copy !req
541. or Strawberry Delight?Copy !req
542. I mean, what's this one?Copy !req
543. "Cockroach Cluster"?Copy !req
544. And this, "Anthrax Ripple"?Copy !req
545. And what's this one,
"Spring Surprise"?Copy !req
546. Ah, that's our specialty!Copy !req
547. Covered in darkest,
velvety smooth chocolate,Copy !req
548. when you pop it into your mouth,
stainless steel bolts spring outCopy !req
549. and punch straight through
both cheeks!Copy !req
550. If people pop a nice choccy
in their mouth,Copy !req
551. they don't expect
to get their cheeks pierced!Copy !req
552. In any case, it is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat!Copy !req
553. I shall have to ask you
to accompany me to the station.Copy !req
554. - It's a fair cop.
- And don't talk to the audience!Copy !req
555. Albatross!Copy !req
556. Albatross!Copy !req
557. You're not supposed
to be smoking that!Copy !req
558. Albatross! Don't take them!Copy !req
559. What flavor is it?
What flavor is it?Copy !req
560. Seagullsickle!Copy !req
561. Pelican-bonbon!Copy !req
562. Albatross!Copy !req
563. Could I have... Could I have
two ice creams, please?Copy !req
564. I haven't got any ice creams,
I just got this albatross!Copy !req
565. - Albatross!
- What flavor is it?Copy !req
566. Well, it's an albatross,
isn't it?Copy !req
567. It's not any bloody flavor!Copy !req
568. Albatross!Copy !req
569. There's gotta be some flavor,
I mean everything's got a—Copy !req
570. All right, all right!
It's bloody albatross flavor!Copy !req
571. Bleedin' seabird,
bleedin' flavor! Albatross!Copy !req
572. Do you get wafers with it?Copy !req
573. Of course you don't get fucking
wafers with it, you cunt!Copy !req
574. It's a fucking albatross,
I mean...Copy !req
575. Stop that!
Stop that! It's filthy!Copy !req
576. Hold on! Right now, we need you!Copy !req
577. The one in the black, we need
you for another skit on stage.Copy !req
578. And you, get off! You're not
even a proper woman!Copy !req
579. Don't you oppress me, mate!Copy !req
580. What are you trying to do?
Avoid registration or something?Copy !req
581. Bleedin' sexist!Copy !req
582. Come along,
we need you for a skit!Copy !req
583. No one enjoys a good laugh
more than I do.Copy !req
584. Except perhaps for my wife
and some of her friends.Copy !req
585. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson.
Come to think of it,Copy !req
586. most people enjoy a good laugh
more than I do,Copy !req
587. but that's beside the point.
Right!Copy !req
588. Let's get on with this skit!Copy !req
589. Where's the other person
for this skit?Copy !req
590. Right,
you want to sit in that chair?Copy !req
591. And cue the skit!Copy !req
592. - Evening, squire!
- Good evening.Copy !req
593. Is your... is your wife a goer?Copy !req
594. Eh? Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?Copy !req
595. Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean?
Say no more!Copy !req
596. I... I beg your pardon?Copy !req
597. Your... your wife.
Does she go, eh?Copy !req
598. Does she go, eh? Eh?Copy !req
599. Well, she sometimes has to go,
yes, of course.Copy !req
600. I bet she does! I bet she does!Copy !req
601. Say no more!
Say no more!Copy !req
602. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge!Copy !req
603. I'm afraid
I don't quite follow you.Copy !req
604. Oh, "follow me, follow me"?
That's good, that's very good!Copy !req
605. A nod's as good as a wink
to a blind bat!Copy !req
606. Are you selling something?Copy !req
607. "Selling, selling,"
very good indeed!Copy !req
608. You're wicked, you are, eh?
Wicked, eh?Copy !req
609. Wicked! Say no more!Copy !req
610. So your wife's interested in...
in sport? Eh?Copy !req
611. She likes sport, yes.Copy !req
612. I bet she does! I bet she does!Copy !req
613. As a matter of fact,
she's very fond of cricket.Copy !req
614. She likes "games", eh?
Likes "games"?Copy !req
615. Knew she would,
she's been around a bit, eh?Copy !req
616. She's been around?Copy !req
617. Well, she has travelled, yes.
She's from Glendale.Copy !req
618. Say no more!Copy !req
619. Glendale, squire? Say no more!Copy !req
620. Say no more! Say no more!
Say no more!Copy !req
621. Is your... is your Glendale wife
interested in photography? Eh?Copy !req
622. Photography?Copy !req
623. "Photographs, eh?"
he asked him knowingly!Copy !req
624. Photography?Copy !req
625. Snap, snap,
grin, grin, wink, wink,Copy !req
626. nudge, nudge, say no more!Copy !req
627. Sort of, holiday snaps,
you mean?Copy !req
628. They could be, they could be
taken on holiday, you know!Copy !req
629. Swimming costumes, candid...
you know, "candid" photography?Copy !req
630. No, we don't have a camera!Copy !req
631. Still...Copy !req
632. Look,
are you insinuating something?Copy !req
633. Oh, no, no, no...Copy !req
634. Yes!Copy !req
635. Well?Copy !req
636. Well, I mean, you're a man
of the world, squire,Copy !req
637. you know...
you've been around, you know?Copy !req
638. What do you mean?Copy !req
639. Well, I mean, like, you've...
you know, you, like...Copy !req
640. you've done it, you know...
you've slept... with a lady?Copy !req
641. Yes.Copy !req
642. What's it like?Copy !req
643. Good afternoon, and welcome to
a packed Olympic stadium,Copy !req
644. München, for the second leg
of this exciting final.Copy !req
645. And here come the Germans now,Copy !req
646. led by their skipper
"Nobby" Hegel.Copy !req
647. They must surely start favorites
this afternoon.Copy !req
648. They've certainly attracted the
most attention from the pressCopy !req
649. with their team problems.Copy !req
650. And let's now see their line-up:Copy !req
651. The Germans playing 4-2-4,
Leibniz in goal,Copy !req
652. back four Kant, Hegel,
Schopenhauer, and Schelling,Copy !req
653. front-runners
Schlegel, Wittgenstein,Copy !req
654. Nietzsche and Heidegger,Copy !req
655. and the midfield duo
of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.Copy !req
656. Beckenbauer obviously
a bit of a surprise there.Copy !req
657. And here come the Greeks,Copy !req
658. led out by their veteran
center half Herakleitos.Copy !req
659. Let's look at their team:Copy !req
660. As you'd expect, it's a much
more defensive line-up.Copy !req
661. Plato's in goal,
Socrates a front-runner there,Copy !req
662. and Aristotle as sweeper.Copy !req
663. Aristotle,
very much the man in form.Copy !req
664. One surprise is the inclusion
of Archimedes.Copy !req
665. Well, here comes the referee:Copy !req
666. K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius)
and his two linesmen,Copy !req
667. St Augustine
and St Thomas Aquinas.Copy !req
668. And as the two skippers
come together to shake hands,Copy !req
669. we're ready for the start
of this very exciting final.Copy !req
670. The referee, Mr. Confucius,
checks his sand, and...Copy !req
671. They're off!Copy !req
672. Nietzsche and Hegel there,Copy !req
673. Karl Jaspers number seven
on the outside,Copy !req
674. Wittgenstein there with him.Copy !req
675. There's Beckenbauer,
Schelling's in there,Copy !req
676. Heidegger covering.
Schopenhauer.Copy !req
677. And now it's the Greeks.
Epikuros, Plotinus number six,Copy !req
678. Aristotle, Empedokles of Acraga,
and Demokrites with him.Copy !req
679. There's Archimedes, Socrates,
there he is, Socrates.Copy !req
680. Socrates there going through...Copy !req
681. There's the ball,
there's the ball!Copy !req
682. We'll be bringing you back
to this exciting contestCopy !req
683. the moment anything interesting
happens.Copy !req
684. Very passable, this, eh?
Very passable.Copy !req
685. Nothing like a good glass
of Château de Chasselet,Copy !req
686. - eh, Josiah?
- You're right there, Obadiah.Copy !req
687. Who would have thought,
30 years ago,Copy !req
688. we'd all be sitting here
drinking Château de Chasselet?Copy !req
689. Them days we were glad to have
the price of a cup of tea.Copy !req
690. Aye! A cup of cold tea!Copy !req
691. Without milk or sugar!Copy !req
692. Or tea!Copy !req
693. In a cracked cup and all.Copy !req
694. Oh, we never used to have a cup!Copy !req
695. We used to have to drink
out of a rolled-up newspaper!Copy !req
696. The best we could manage was to
suck on a piece of damp cloth.Copy !req
697. But you know,
we were happy in those days,Copy !req
698. although we were poor.Copy !req
699. Because we were poor!Copy !req
700. My old dad used to say to me:Copy !req
701. "Money doesn't
bring you happiness, son!"Copy !req
702. He was right!Copy !req
703. I was happier then
and I had nothing!Copy !req
704. We used to live in this
tiny old tumble-down houseCopy !req
705. with great big holes
in the roof.Copy !req
706. House! You were lucky
to live in a house!Copy !req
707. We used to live in one room,Copy !req
708. all 26 of us, no furniture,
half the floor was missing,Copy !req
709. we were all huddled together in
one corner for fear of falling.Copy !req
710. You were lucky to have a room!Copy !req
711. We used to have to live
in the corridor!Copy !req
712. Oh, we used to dream
of living in a corridor!Copy !req
713. Would have been a palace to us!Copy !req
714. We used to live in an old
water tank on a rubbish tip.Copy !req
715. We got woke up every morning
by having a load of rotting fishCopy !req
716. dumped all over us!Copy !req
717. House? Huh!Copy !req
718. Well, when I say "house",
it was just a hole in the groundCopy !req
719. covered by a sheet of tarpaulin,
but it was a house to us!Copy !req
720. We were evicted
from our hole in the ground.Copy !req
721. We had to go and live in a lake!Copy !req
722. You were lucky to have a lake!Copy !req
723. There were 150 of us
living in a shoeboxCopy !req
724. in the middle of the road!Copy !req
725. A cardboard box?Copy !req
726. - Aye!
- You were lucky!Copy !req
727. We lived for three months
in a rolled-up newspaperCopy !req
728. in a septic tank!Copy !req
729. We used to have to get up
every morning, at six o'clockCopy !req
730. and clean the newspaper,
go to work down the mill,Copy !req
731. fourteen hours a day,
week in, week out,Copy !req
732. for sixpence a week,
and when we got home,Copy !req
733. our dad would thrash us to sleep
with his belt!Copy !req
734. Luxury!Copy !req
735. We used to have to
get out of the lakeCopy !req
736. at three o'clock in the morning,Copy !req
737. clean the lake,
eat a handful of hot gravel,Copy !req
738. work 20 hours a day at mill
for tuppence a month,Copy !req
739. come home, and dad would
beat us around the headCopy !req
740. and neck with a broken bottle,
if we were lucky!Copy !req
741. Well, of course we had it tough!Copy !req
742. We used to have to get up
out of the shoeboxCopy !req
743. in the middle of the night,Copy !req
744. and lick the road clean
with our tongues!Copy !req
745. We had to eat half a handful
of freezing cold gravel,Copy !req
746. work 24 hours a day at mill
for fourpence every six years,Copy !req
747. and when we got home,Copy !req
748. our dad would slice us in two
with a breadknife!Copy !req
749. Right.Copy !req
750. I had to get up in the morning,
at ten o'clock at night,Copy !req
751. half an hour before
I went to bed,Copy !req
752. eat a lump of cold poison,Copy !req
753. work 29 hours a day
down millCopy !req
754. and pay mill-owner
for permission to come to work,Copy !req
755. and when we got home,Copy !req
756. our dad would kill usCopy !req
757. and dance about on our graves,
singing Hallelujah!Copy !req
758. And you try and tell
the young people of today that,Copy !req
759. and they won't believe you!Copy !req
760. No, no they won't!Copy !req
761. Well, there may be no score,Copy !req
762. but there's certainly no lack
of excitement here.Copy !req
763. As you can see,Copy !req
764. Nietzsche has just been booked
for arguing with the referee.Copy !req
765. He accused Confucius
of having no free will,Copy !req
766. and Confucius, he say,
"Name go in book."Copy !req
767. And this is Nietzsche's
third booking in four games.Copy !req
768. And, who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.Copy !req
769. It looks as though
there's going to beCopy !req
770. a substitution
on the German side.Copy !req
771. Obviously manager,
Martin Luther,Copy !req
772. has decided on all-out attack,
as indeed he must,Copy !req
773. with only two minutes
of the match to go.Copy !req
774. But the big question is:
Who is he going to replace?Copy !req
775. Who is going to come off?
It could be Jaspers,Copy !req
776. Hegel or Schopenhauer.Copy !req
777. But it's Wittgenstein!
Wittgenstein, who saw his auntyCopy !req
778. only last week!
And here's Marx!Copy !req
779. Let's see if he can put some
life into this German attack.Copy !req
780. Evidently not. What a shame.Copy !req
781. Well, now,
with just over a minute left,Copy !req
782. a replay on Tuesday
looks absolutely vital.Copy !req
783. There's Archimedes,
and I think he's had an idea!Copy !req
784. Eureka!Copy !req
785. Archimedes out to Socrates,
Socrates back to Archimedes,Copy !req
786. Archimedes out to Herakleitos,
he beats Hegel,Copy !req
787. Herakleitos, a little flick,
here he comes on the far post,Copy !req
788. Socrates is there!
Socrates heads it in!Copy !req
789. Socrates has scored!Copy !req
790. The Greeks are going mad!Copy !req
791. The Greeks are going mad,
Socrates scores,Copy !req
792. what a beautiful pass
from Archimedes!Copy !req
793. The Germans are disputing it.Copy !req
794. Hegel is arguing that
the realityCopy !req
795. is merely an a priori adjunct
of non-naturalistic ethics;Copy !req
796. Kant,
via the categorical imperative,Copy !req
797. is holding that,
ontologicallyCopy !req
798. it exists only
in the imagination,Copy !req
799. and Marx is claiming
it was offside.Copy !req
800. But Confucius has answered them
with the final whistle!Copy !req
801. It's all over!Copy !req
802. Germany, having trounced
England's famous midfield trioCopy !req
803. of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes
in the semi-final,Copy !req
804. have been beaten
by the odd goal,Copy !req
805. and let's see it again.Copy !req
806. There it is, Socrates—Copy !req
807. Socrates heads in and
Leibniz doesn't have a chance.Copy !req
808. And just look at those
delighted Greeks.Copy !req
809. There they are,
"Chopper" Sophocles,Copy !req
810. Empedokles of Acragus,
what a game he had.Copy !req
811. And Epikuros is there,
and Socrates, the captain,Copy !req
812. who scored what was probably
the most important goalCopy !req
813. of his career.Copy !req
814. Good afternoon, sir.
May I help you?Copy !req
815. Yes, I'd like to have
an argument, please.Copy !req
816. Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?Copy !req
817. No, this is my first time.Copy !req
818. I see. Well, do you want
to have just one argumentCopy !req
819. or were you thinking
of taking a course?Copy !req
820. Well, what is the cost?Copy !req
821. Yes, it's one pound
for a five-minute argument,Copy !req
822. but only eight pounds
for a course of ten.Copy !req
823. Well,
I think I'll just try the oneCopy !req
824. and see how it goes from there.Copy !req
825. Fine. Ah, yes,
try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.Copy !req
826. Thank you very much.Copy !req
827. - What do you want?
- Well, I was told outside—Copy !req
828. Don't give me that,Copy !req
829. you snotty-faced heap
of parrot droppings!Copy !req
830. What?Copy !req
831. Shut your festering gob,
you tit!Copy !req
832. Your type make me puke,Copy !req
833. you vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert!Copy !req
834. Listen,
I came here for an argument!Copy !req
835. Oh, oh, I'm sorry,
but this is Abuse!Copy !req
836. Oh, oh, I see!
Terribly sorry.Copy !req
837. No, you want Room 12A,
next door.Copy !req
838. Oh, I see. Thank you very much.Copy !req
839. Not at all.Copy !req
840. Stupid git.Copy !req
841. Is this the right room
for an argument?Copy !req
842. I've told you once.Copy !req
843. No, you haven't.Copy !req
844. - Yes, I have.
- When?Copy !req
845. - Just now.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
846. - Yes, I did.
- You didn't!Copy !req
847. - I did.
- No, you didn't!Copy !req
848. - I'm telling you I did!
- You most certainly did not!Copy !req
849. One moment,
is this the five-minute argumentCopy !req
850. or the full half hour?Copy !req
851. Oh, oh, I see.
Just the five minutes.Copy !req
852. Just the five minutes...
Right, thank you.Copy !req
853. - Anyway, I did.
- Oh, no, you didn't.Copy !req
854. Now let's get one thing
absolutely clear.Copy !req
855. - I most definitely told you.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
856. - Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
857. - Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
858. - Yes, I did. Yes, I did...
- No you didn't. No you didn't...Copy !req
859. Oh, look,
this isn't an argument!Copy !req
860. Yes, it is!
No, it isn't!Copy !req
861. - It's just contradiction!
- No, it isn't!Copy !req
862. - It is!
- It is not!Copy !req
863. - You just contradicted me!
- I did not!Copy !req
864. - You did!
- No, no, no!Copy !req
865. - You did just then!
- Nonsense!Copy !req
866. Oh, this is futile!Copy !req
867. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
868. I came here for a good argument.Copy !req
869. No, you didn't.
You came here for an argument.Copy !req
870. Yes, but argument
isn't just contradiction!Copy !req
871. Well, can be.Copy !req
872. No, an argument is a connected
series of statementsCopy !req
873. intended to establish
a proposition.Copy !req
874. - No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is!Copy !req
875. It isn't just contradiction!Copy !req
876. Look, if I argue with you,Copy !req
877. I must take up
a contrary position.Copy !req
878. Yes, but that isn't just saying,
"No, it isn't!"Copy !req
879. - Yes, it is!
- No, it isn't!Copy !req
880. - Yes, it is! Yes, it is...
- No, it isn't! No, it isn't...Copy !req
881. Argument
is an intellectual process.Copy !req
882. Contradiction is just
an automatic gain-sayingCopy !req
883. of anything
the other person says!Copy !req
884. - It is not!
- It is!Copy !req
885. - Not at all!
- Now look—Copy !req
886. Thank you! Good morning!Copy !req
887. What?Copy !req
888. That's it! Good morning!Copy !req
889. I was just getting interested!Copy !req
890. I'm sorry,
the five minutes is up!Copy !req
891. That was never five minutes,
just now!Copy !req
892. - I'm afraid it was.
- Oh, no, it wasn't.Copy !req
893. I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not
allowed to argue anymore.Copy !req
894. - What?
- If you want me to go on arguingCopy !req
895. you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.Copy !req
896. But that was never five minutes,
just now!Copy !req
897. Oh, come on!
Oh, this is ridiculous!Copy !req
898. If you want me to go on arguing,Copy !req
899. you'll have to pay
for another five minutes!Copy !req
900. Oh, all right. Here you are.Copy !req
901. Thank you.Copy !req
902. Well?Copy !req
903. Well what?Copy !req
904. That was never five minutes,
just now!Copy !req
905. I told you,
if you want me to go on arguing,Copy !req
906. you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.Copy !req
907. Yes, yes, well, I've just paid!Copy !req
908. No, you didn't!Copy !req
909. - I did!
- You did not!Copy !req
910. - I did!
- You never...Copy !req
911. Look, I don't want to argue
about this.Copy !req
912. Well, I'm very sorry,
but you didn't pay!Copy !req
913. Aha! But if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing?Copy !req
914. Aha! Got you!Copy !req
915. - No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.Copy !req
916. If you're arguing,
I must have paid.Copy !req
917. Not necessarily. I could be
arguing in my spare time.Copy !req
918. - Oh, I've had enough of this!
- No, you haven't!Copy !req
919. Yes, I have!Copy !req
920. - No, you haven't...
- Yes, I have...Copy !req
921. I've got two legs
from my hips to the groundCopy !req
922. And when I lift them
they walk aroundCopy !req
923. And when I lift them
they climb the stairsCopy !req
924. And when I shave them
they ain't got hairsCopy !req
925. How sweet to be an idiotCopy !req
926. As harmless as a cloudCopy !req
927. Too small to hide the sunCopy !req
928. Almost poking funCopy !req
929. At the warm but insecure
untidy crowdCopy !req
930. How sweet to be an idiotCopy !req
931. And dip my brain in joyCopy !req
932. Children laughing at my backCopy !req
933. With no fear of attackCopy !req
934. As much retaliation as a toyCopy !req
935. How sweet to be an idiotCopy !req
936. How sweetCopy !req
937. I tiptoe down the streetCopy !req
938. Smile at everyone I meetCopy !req
939. But suddenly a screamCopy !req
940. Smashes through my dreamCopy !req
941. Fee-fi-fo-fumCopy !req
942. I smell blood of an asylumCopy !req
943. Hey you
You're such a pedantCopy !req
944. You've got as much brain
as a dead antCopy !req
945. As much imagination
as a caravan siteCopy !req
946. But I still love youCopy !req
947. Still love youCopy !req
948. How sweet to be an idiotCopy !req
949. How sweetCopy !req
950. How sweetCopy !req
951. How sweetCopy !req
952. - Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.Copy !req
953. Have you come to arrange
a holidayCopy !req
954. or would you like a blow job?Copy !req
955. I'm sorry?Copy !req
956. Oh, you've come
to arrange a holiday?Copy !req
957. - Yes.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
958. Now, where were you
thinking of going?Copy !req
959. To India.Copy !req
960. One of our adventure
holidays.Copy !req
961. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
962. Well, you'd better see
Mr. Bounder about that.Copy !req
963. Mr. Bounder,
this gentleman is interestedCopy !req
964. in the "India Overland".
And nothing else.Copy !req
965. Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure.Copy !req
966. Oh, hello.
My name is Smoketoomuch.Copy !req
967. What?Copy !req
968. My name is Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Smoketoomuch.Copy !req
969. Well, you'd better
cut down a little then.Copy !req
970. I'm sorry?Copy !req
971. You'd better
cut down a little then.Copy !req
972. Oh, I see! Smoke too muchCopy !req
973. so I'd better cut down
a little then!Copy !req
974. Yes.Copy !req
975. I expect you get people makingCopy !req
976. jokes about your name
all the time, eh?Copy !req
977. No, actually, it never struck me
before. Smoketoomuch...Copy !req
978. Anyway, you're interested
in one of our holidays, are you?Copy !req
979. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
980. I saw your advert
in the blassified ads.Copy !req
981. - The what?
- In The Times Blassified Ads.Copy !req
982. The Times Classified Ads?Copy !req
983. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
984. I'm afraid I have
a speech impediment.Copy !req
985. I can't pronounce the letter B.Copy !req
986. - C?
- Yes, that's right, B.Copy !req
987. It's all due to a trauma
I sufferedCopy !req
988. when I was a sbhoolboy.Copy !req
989. I was attacked by a Siamese bat.Copy !req
990. A Siamese cat.Copy !req
991. No, a Siamese bat.
They're more dangerous.Copy !req
992. Well, listen...
can you say the letter K?Copy !req
993. Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling,
Khomeini, Kellogg's Born Flakes.Copy !req
994. Well, why don't you say
the letter KCopy !req
995. instead of the letter C?Copy !req
996. Well, you mean,
pronounce "blassified" with a K?Copy !req
997. Yes, absolutely!Copy !req
998. - Klassified!
- Good!Copy !req
999. Oh, it's very good!
I never thought of that before.Copy !req
1000. What a silly bunt.Copy !req
1001. Now then,
about the holiday...Copy !req
1002. Yes, well, I've been on
package tours many times before,Copy !req
1003. so your advert
really baught my eye.Copy !req
1004. Good, good, jolly good,
well what we offer is this...Copy !req
1005. You're quite right, what's
the point of going abroad,Copy !req
1006. if you're just going to be
treated like a sheep?Copy !req
1007. Carted around in buses,
surrounded by sweaty,Copy !req
1008. mindless oaves
from Kettering and Boventry.Copy !req
1009. - Absolutely.
- Their bloth bapsCopy !req
1010. and their bardigans
and their transistor radios,Copy !req
1011. bomplaining about the tea:Copy !req
1012. "They don't make it properly,
do they?"Copy !req
1013. And stopping at endless
Majorcan bodegasCopy !req
1014. selling fish and chips
and Watney's Red BarrelCopy !req
1015. and calamaris and two veg.Copy !req
1016. And sitting in their
cotton sun frocks,Copy !req
1017. squirting Timothy Whites
sun creamCopy !req
1018. all over their puffy,
raw, swollen, purulent flesh,Copy !req
1019. 'cos they overdid it
on the first day.Copy !req
1020. Yes, I know just what you mean!
Now, what we offer is—Copy !req
1021. And being herded into endless
Hotel Miramars and Bellevueses,Copy !req
1022. Bontinentals
with their international luxuryCopy !req
1023. - modern roomettes...
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
1024. and swimming pools
full of draught Red BarrelCopy !req
1025. and fat German businessmen,Copy !req
1026. pretending to be acrobats
and forming pyramidsCopy !req
1027. and frightening the children
and barging into the queues.Copy !req
1028. And if you're not at your table
spot on seven,Copy !req
1029. you miss your bowl of Campbell's
Cream of Mushroom Soup,Copy !req
1030. the first item in the menu
of International Cuisine.Copy !req
1031. Absolutely. Now—Copy !req
1032. Every Thursday night there's
bloody cabaret in the barCopy !req
1033. featuring some tiny, emaciated
dago with nine-inch hipsCopy !req
1034. and some fat, bloated tart
with her hair Brylcreemed downCopy !req
1035. and big ass, presenting
Flamenco for Foreigners.Copy !req
1036. Will you be quiet, please?Copy !req
1037. And adenoidal typists
from BirminghamCopy !req
1038. - with flabby white legs...
- Will you be quiet?Copy !req
1039. and diarrhea,
trying to pick up hairy,Copy !req
1040. bandy-legged, wop waitersCopy !req
1041. - called Manuel.
- Be quiet!Copy !req
1042. And once a week
there's an excursionCopy !req
1043. to local Roman remains,
where you can buy CherryadeCopy !req
1044. - and melted ice cream...
- Will you be quiet?Copy !req
1045. and bleedin'
Watney's Red Barrel.Copy !req
1046. - Shut up!
- And one night they take youCopy !req
1047. to a typical restaurant
with local...Copy !req
1048. - Shut up!
- ... atmosphere and color,Copy !req
1049. - and you sit next to a...
- Shut up!Copy !req
1050. party of people from Rhyl
who keep singing:Copy !req
1051. I love the Costa Brava!Copy !req
1052. Shut up!Copy !req
1053. I love the Costa Brava!Copy !req
1054. And you get cornered by some
drunken greengrocer from LutonCopy !req
1055. with an Instamatic camera and
last Tuesday's Daily Express...Copy !req
1056. Please be quiet!
This is the last time...Copy !req
1057. and he drones on and on
and on about how Ian SmithCopy !req
1058. should be running the countryCopy !req
1059. and how many languages
Margaret Powell can speak,Copy !req
1060. and then she throws up
all over the cuba libres.Copy !req
1061. And spending four days
on the tarmac at Luton AirportCopy !req
1062. on a five-day package tourCopy !req
1063. with nothing to eat but dry
British Airways-type sandwiches.Copy !req
1064. Shut up! Please shut up!Copy !req
1065. You can't even get a glass
of Watney's Red BarrelCopy !req
1066. because you're still in England
and the bloody bar closesCopy !req
1067. every time you're thirsty.Copy !req
1068. And the kids are crying
and vomitingCopy !req
1069. and breaking
the plastic ashtrays.Copy !req
1070. They keep telling you
it'll only be another hour,Copy !req
1071. but you know damn well
your plane is still in Iceland,Copy !req
1072. and has to come back
and take a party of...Copy !req
1073. - Shut up!
- ... take a party of SwedesCopy !req
1074. to Yugoslavia,Copy !req
1075. before it can load you up
at 3 a.m. in the morning.Copy !req
1076. And then you sit on the tarmac
for four hoursCopy !req
1077. because of unforeseen
difficulties,Copy !req
1078. i.e. the permanent strike of
air traffic control over Paris.Copy !req
1079. When you finally
get to Malaga airport,Copy !req
1080. everybody's queueing
for the bloody toilet,Copy !req
1081. and queuing for the bloody
armed customs officers,Copy !req
1082. and queuing for the bloody bus
that isn't there,Copy !req
1083. waiting to take you to the hotel
that hasn't yet been built.Copy !req
1084. When you finally get to
the half-built Algerian ruinCopy !req
1085. called the Hotel del Sol,Copy !req
1086. by paying
half your holiday moneyCopy !req
1087. to a licensed bandit in a taxi,Copy !req
1088. there's no water in the pool,
there's no water in the bog,Copy !req
1089. there's no water in the tap,Copy !req
1090. there's only a bleeding lizard
in the bidet,Copy !req
1091. and half the rooms
are double-booked,Copy !req
1092. and you can't sleep anyway,Copy !req
1093. 'cause of the permanent
24-hour drillingCopy !req
1094. of the foundations
of the hotel next door.Copy !req
1095. Meanwhile, the Spanish
National Tourist BoardCopy !req
1096. promises you
the raging cholera epidemicCopy !req
1097. is merely a mild outbreak
of Spanish Tummy,Copy !req
1098. rather like the previous
outbreak in 1616Copy !req
1099. even the bloody rats
are dying from it!Copy !req
1100. As early
as the late 14th century,Copy !req
1101. or indeed as late
as the early 14th century,Copy !req
1102. the earliest forms of jape
were divisible in—Copy !req
1103. Meanwhile, the bloody Guardia
are busy arresting 16-year-oldsCopy !req
1104. for kissing in the streets.Copy !req
1105. And finally, on the last day
in the airport lounge,Copy !req
1106. everybody's buying little
awful horrid donkeysCopy !req
1107. with their names on,Copy !req
1108. and bullfight posters
with their own names on,Copy !req
1109. like Antonio—Copy !req
1110. Mr. Brian Pules of Norwich.Copy !req
1111. And then finally,
when you get to bloody Luton,Copy !req
1112. you're kept around
for another four hours,Copy !req
1113. while they find a plane that can
take you back to Manchester.Copy !req
1114. And when you finally
get to Manchester,Copy !req
1115. there's only another bloody bus
you have to wait 16 hours for...Copy !req
1116. As early as
the late 14th centuryCopy !req
1117. or indeed as late
as the early 14th century,Copy !req
1118. the earliest forms of japeCopy !req
1119. were divisible
into the two categoriesCopy !req
1120. into which I now intend
to divide them.Copy !req
1121. The earliest manifestationCopy !req
1122. of the basic,
simple precipitation jestCopy !req
1123. incurred, as will be seen
from the demonstration,Copy !req
1124. a disproportionate amount
of internal risibilityCopy !req
1125. on the part of the operator.Copy !req
1126. Secondary precipitation occursCopy !req
1127. when both protagonist and dupe
are located indoors.Copy !req
1128. It is true, however,
that this has involvedCopy !req
1129. the development of a special
piece of machinery.Copy !req
1130. But it is still no more
than a simple variationCopy !req
1131. of primary precipitation.Copy !req
1132. The opening up
of the African continentCopy !req
1133. revealed a vast
new source of wealthCopy !req
1134. for humorous exploitation.Copy !req
1135. We are to see demonstratedCopy !req
1136. how this was adapted
to the basic precipitation jape.Copy !req
1137. We now come on to a considera—Copy !req
1138. We now come on
to a considerationCopy !req
1139. of the more sophisticated
transitive mode of japing,Copy !req
1140. in which,
as you will observe,Copy !req
1141. the operator or inceptor
remains totally unawareCopy !req
1142. of the humorous implications
of his action.Copy !req
1143. First, we are to see the
"simple sideswipe" or "whop."Copy !req
1144. Hey, Vance!Copy !req
1145. Next, the "sideswipe
and return."Copy !req
1146. Hey, Vance!Copy !req
1147. And now, the "double
sideswipe and return."Copy !req
1148. Hey, Vance!Copy !req
1149. Popular as this jest
has always been, however,Copy !req
1150. it cannot compare
with the ribald connotationsCopy !req
1151. associated with the dispatch
of an edible missile.Copy !req
1152. First...Copy !req
1153. First the simple straightforward
"offensive deposit."Copy !req
1154. Second...Copy !req
1155. Second, the simple
"sideways offensive deposit."Copy !req
1156. Next, the simple
"surprise deposit."Copy !req
1157. And now, the "foul pie."Copy !req
1158. Could we have new pies, please?Copy !req
1159. Finally...Copy !req
1160. Finally we move on
to the interesting,Copy !req
1161. but little-known variant,Copy !req
1162. nominally designated
the "three-course complex."Copy !req
1163. But... but finally,
we must not forgetCopy !req
1164. the enjoyment, the satisfaction,Copy !req
1165. and the edification
to be derivedCopy !req
1166. from the simple, straightforwardCopy !req
1167. "sideways completely
unexpected deposit."Copy !req
1168. Once upon a time, there was
a little house in a dark forest.Copy !req
1169. In this house lived a humble
woodcutter and his wifeCopy !req
1170. and their pretty daughter,
Little Red Riding Hood.Copy !req
1171. And in the middle of this deep,
dark forest,Copy !req
1172. there lived a vicious wolf!Copy !req
1173. One day, Little Red Riding Hood
set off to take some thingsCopy !req
1174. to her old grandmother
who lived deep in the forest.Copy !req
1175. The vicious wolf
saw Little Red Riding HoodCopy !req
1176. and thought:
"She looks very good to eat!"Copy !req
1177. "Where are you going,
my pretty one?"Copy !req
1178. "Oh, kind sir,
to my grandmother's."Copy !req
1179. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
smirked the wicked wolfCopy !req
1180. and dashed off through the
forest to grandmother's house.Copy !req
1181. "Knock, knock, knock,"
went the wicked wolf.Copy !req
1182. The door opened wide,Copy !req
1183. but it wasn't Grandmother
who opened it.Copy !req
1184. It was Buzz Aldrin,
America's number two spaceman!Copy !req
1185. For this was not
Granny's little house at all,Copy !req
1186. but the headquarters of NASA,Copy !req
1187. the American
space research agency.Copy !req
1188. The wicked wolf
was shot by security guards.Copy !req
1189. So all was quiet
in the forest again.Copy !req
1190. The humble woodcutter
and his wifeCopy !req
1191. sold the their story
to Der SpiegelCopy !req
1192. for 40,000 Deutsche Marks.Copy !req
1193. NASA agreed to limit
the number of nuclear testsCopy !req
1194. in Granny's little houseCopy !req
1195. to two on Thursdays
and one on Saturdays after tea.Copy !req
1196. Liberal rubbish!Copy !req
1197. What do you want
with your jugged fish, Klaus?Copy !req
1198. Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?Copy !req
1199. What do you want
with your jugged fish,Copy !req
1200. you cloth-eared git?Copy !req
1201. Halibut!Copy !req
1202. The jugged fish is halibut!Copy !req
1203. All right. Well, what fish
do you have that is not jugged?Copy !req
1204. Rabbit.Copy !req
1205. What, rabbit fish?Copy !req
1206. Well, it's all covered in fur.Copy !req
1207. Well, is it dead?Copy !req
1208. Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.Copy !req
1209. All right, I'll have the dead,
unjugged rabbit fish.Copy !req
1210. Appalling!Copy !req
1211. Oh, you're always complaining.Copy !req
1212. What's for afterwards?Copy !req
1213. Well, there's rat pie,Copy !req
1214. rat pudding, rat sorbet
or... strawberry tart.Copy !req
1215. Strawberry tart?Copy !req
1216. Well, it's got some rat in it.Copy !req
1217. How much?Copy !req
1218. Six. Rather a lot really.Copy !req
1219. I'll have a slice
without so much rat in it.Copy !req
1220. Appalling!Copy !req
1221. "Moan, moan, moan!"Copy !req
1222. - Hello, mum! Hello, dad!
- Hello, son!Copy !req
1223. There's a dead bishop
on the landing!Copy !req
1224. Where... where's he from?Copy !req
1225. - What do you mean?
- What's his diocese?Copy !req
1226. Well, he looked a bit
Canterburyish to me.Copy !req
1227. I'll go and have a look.Copy !req
1228. I dunno who keeps
bringing them in here.Copy !req
1229. Well, it's not me.Copy !req
1230. I put three out by the trashcans
last weekCopy !req
1231. and the garbage men
won't touch 'em.Copy !req
1232. It's the Bishop of Leicester!Copy !req
1233. How do you know?Copy !req
1234. Tattooed on the back
of his neck!Copy !req
1235. I think I'd better
call the police!Copy !req
1236. - Shouldn't you call the church?
- Call the Church Police!Copy !req
1237. That's a good idea!
The Church Police!Copy !req
1238. 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!Copy !req
1239. What's all this then? Amen!Copy !req
1240. - Are you the Church Police?
- Oh, yes!Copy !req
1241. There's another dead bishop
on the landing, Vicar-Sergeant!Copy !req
1242. Detective Parson, madam!
What is he? R.C. or C. of E.?Copy !req
1243. How should I know?Copy !req
1244. Tattooed on the back
of their neck!Copy !req
1245. Here, is that rat tart?Copy !req
1246. Yes.Copy !req
1247. Disgusting! Right, men!Copy !req
1248. The hunt is on.
Let us kneel in prayer.Copy !req
1249. Oh, Lord...Copy !req
1250. Oh, Lord, we beseech thee,Copy !req
1251. tell us who croaked
the Bishop of Leicester.Copy !req
1252. The one in the braces,
he done it.Copy !req
1253. It's a fair cop,
but society is to blame.Copy !req
1254. Right,
we'll arrest them instead!Copy !req
1255. Come on, you!Copy !req
1256. Are you in society?
Are you in society?Copy !req
1257. All things bright
and beautiful—Copy !req
1258. Right, we'd like to conclude
this arrest with a hymn.Copy !req
1259. All things bright and beautifulCopy !req
1260. All creatures great and smallCopy !req
1261. All things wise and wonderful...Copy !req
1262. I never wanted to be
in such a shambolic sketch.Copy !req
1263. I always wanted...Copy !req
1264. to be a lumberjack!Copy !req
1265. Leaping from tree to tree...Copy !req
1266. as they float down the mighty
rivers of British Columbia!Copy !req
1267. The larch! The redwood!
The mighty sequoia!Copy !req
1268. With my best girl by my side!Copy !req
1269. The giant deadwood!
The spruce!Copy !req
1270. The little Californian
root tree!Copy !req
1271. We'd sing, sing, sing!Copy !req
1272. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OKCopy !req
1273. I sleep all night
and I work all dayCopy !req
1274. He's a lumberjack and he's OKCopy !req
1275. He sleeps all night
and he works all dayCopy !req
1276. I cut down trees
I eat my lunchCopy !req
1277. I go to the lavatoryCopy !req
1278. On Wednesdays I go shoppingCopy !req
1279. and have buttered scones
for teaCopy !req
1280. He cuts down trees
he eats his lunchCopy !req
1281. He goes to the lavatoryCopy !req
1282. On Wednesdays he goes shoppingCopy !req
1283. And has buttered scones for teaCopy !req
1284. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OKCopy !req
1285. I sleep all night
and I work all dayCopy !req
1286. I cut down trees
I skip and jumpCopy !req
1287. I like to press wild flowersCopy !req
1288. I put on women's clothingCopy !req
1289. And hang around in barsCopy !req
1290. He cuts down trees
he skips and jumpsCopy !req
1291. He likes to press wild flowersCopy !req
1292. He puts on women's clothingCopy !req
1293. And hangs around in bars?Copy !req
1294. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OKCopy !req
1295. I sleep all night
and I work all dayCopy !req
1296. I cut down trees
I wear high heelsCopy !req
1297. Suspenders and a braCopy !req
1298. I wish I'd been a girlieCopy !req
1299. Just like my dear papaCopy !req
1300. He cuts down trees
he wears high heelsCopy !req
1301. Suspenders and a bra?Copy !req
1302. What kind of goddam pervert
are you, you lousy commie?Copy !req
1303. Fairy faggot!Copy !req
1304. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OKCopy !req
1305. I sleep all night
and I work all dayCopy !req
1306. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK...Copy !req