1. Whoa, there!Copy !req
2. Halt!Copy !req
3. Who goes there?Copy !req
4. It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon,
from the castle of Camelot.Copy !req
5. King of the Britons,
defeater of the Saxons.Copy !req
6. Sovereign of all England!Copy !req
7. Pull the other one.Copy !req
8. I am, and this is
my trusty servant, Patsy.Copy !req
9. We have ridden the length
of the land in search of knightsCopy !req
10. who will join me in
my court at Camelot.Copy !req
11. I must speak with
your lord and master.Copy !req
12. - What? Ridden on a horse?
- Yes.Copy !req
13. - You're using coconuts!
- What?Copy !req
14. You've got two empty halves of coconut,
and you're banging them together.Copy !req
15. So? We have ridden since the snows
of winter covered this land.Copy !req
16. - Through the Kingdom of Mercia.
- Where did you get the coconuts?Copy !req
17. We found them.Copy !req
18. Found them? In Mercia?
The coconut is tropical.Copy !req
19. - What do you mean?
- Well, this is a temperate zone.Copy !req
20. The swallow may fly south with the sun,
or the house martin or the ploverCopy !req
21. may seek warmer climes in winter,
yet these are not strangers to our land.Copy !req
22. - Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- Not at all. They could be carried.Copy !req
23. - What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
- It could grip it by the husk.Copy !req
24. It's not a question of where he grips it!
It's a simple question of weight ratio.Copy !req
25. A five-ounce bird could not
carry a one-pound coconut.Copy !req
26. It doesn't matter. Go tell your master
that Arthur from Camelot is here.Copy !req
27. In order to maintain air-speed velocity,Copy !req
28. a swallow needs to beat its wings
43 times every second, right?Copy !req
29. - Please!
- Am I right?Copy !req
30. - I'm not interested.
- It could be carried by an African swallow.Copy !req
31. Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe.
Not a European swallow. That's my point.Copy !req
32. I agree with that.Copy !req
33. Will you ask your master if he
wants to join my court at Camelot?Copy !req
34. But then, of course,
African swallows are non-migratory.Copy !req
35. - Oh, yes.
- They couldn't bring a coconut, anyway.Copy !req
36. Wait a minute! Supposing two
swallows carried it together?Copy !req
37. - No, they'd have to have it on a line.
- Simple. They'd use a strand of creeper.Copy !req
38. - Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
- Why not?Copy !req
39. Bring out your dead!Copy !req
40. Ninepence.Copy !req
41. - Bring out your dead.
- Here's one.Copy !req
42. Ninepence.Copy !req
43. - I'm not dead!
- What?Copy !req
44. - Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
- I'm not dead!Copy !req
45. - He says he's not dead.
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
46. - I'm not!
- He isn't?Copy !req
47. - He will be soon. He's very ill.
- I'm getting better!Copy !req
48. You'll be stone dead in a moment.Copy !req
49. I can't take him like that.
It's against regulations.Copy !req
50. - I don't want to go on the cart.
- Don't be such a baby.Copy !req
51. - I can't take him.
- I feel fine.Copy !req
52. - Well, do us a favor.
- I can't.Copy !req
53. Can you hang around a few minutes?
He won't be long.Copy !req
54. Got to go to the Robinsons'.
They've lost nine today.Copy !req
55. - When's your next round?
- Thursday.Copy !req
56. - I think I'll go for a walk.
- You're not fooling anyone, you know.Copy !req
57. - Isn't there something you can do?
- I feel happy.Copy !req
58. - Thanks very much.
- Not at all. See you on Thursday.Copy !req
59. Right.Copy !req
60. - Who's that, then?
- I don't know. Must be a king.Copy !req
61. - Why?
- He hasn't got shit all over him.Copy !req
62. - Old woman!
- Man!Copy !req
63. Man. Sorry. What knight lives
in that castle over there?Copy !req
64. - I'm 37.
- What?Copy !req
65. - I'm 37. I'm not old.
- I can't just call you "man".Copy !req
66. - You could say "Dennis".
- I didn't know you were called Dennis.Copy !req
67. You didn't bother to find out.Copy !req
68. I did say sorry about the
"old woman", but from behind...Copy !req
69. What I object to is that
you treat me like an inferior.Copy !req
70. - Well, I am king.
- King? Very nice.Copy !req
71. How did you get that?
By exploiting the workers!Copy !req
72. By hanging on to outdated
imperialist dogma which perpetuatesCopy !req
73. the economic and social
differences in our society!Copy !req
74. - If there's ever going to be any progress...
- There's some lovely filth down here.Copy !req
75. How do you do?Copy !req
76. How do you do, good lady?
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
77. - Whose castle is that?
- King of the who?Copy !req
78. - The Britons.
- Who are the Britons?Copy !req
79. We all are. We're all Britons.
And I am your king.Copy !req
80. Didn't know we had a king. I thought
we were an autonomous collective.Copy !req
81. You're fooling yourself.
We're living in a dictatorship.Copy !req
82. A self-perpetuating autocracy
in which the working class...Copy !req
83. There you go.
Bringing class into it again.Copy !req
84. - That's what it's all about. If only people...
- Please, good people. I am in haste.Copy !req
85. Who lives in that castle?Copy !req
86. - No one lives there.
- Who is your lord?Copy !req
87. - We don't have a lord.
- What?Copy !req
88. I told you. We're an
anarcho-syndicalist commune.Copy !req
89. We take turns to act as a sort
of executive officer for the week.Copy !req
90. - Yes.
- But all the decisions of that officerCopy !req
91. - are ratified at a biweekly meeting.
- Yes, I see.Copy !req
92. - By a majority in the case of internal affairs.
- Be quiet!Copy !req
93. - By a two-thirds majority in the case of...
- Be quiet! I order you to be quiet.Copy !req
94. "Order". Who does he think he is?Copy !req
95. - I am your king!
- I didn't vote for you.Copy !req
96. - You don't vote for kings.
- How did you become king then?Copy !req
97. The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad
in the purest shimmering samite,Copy !req
98. held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water,Copy !req
99. signifying, by divine providence,
that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.Copy !req
100. That is why I'm your king!Copy !req
101. Listen. Strange women lying in ponds,
distributing swords, is no basisCopy !req
102. for a system of government.
Supreme executive powerCopy !req
103. derives from a mandate from the masses.
Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.Copy !req
104. Be quiet!Copy !req
105. You can't expect to wield
supreme executive powerCopy !req
106. 'cause some watery tart
threw a sword at you.Copy !req
107. - Shut up!
- If I went around saying I was an emperorCopy !req
108. because some moistened bint had lobbed
a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!Copy !req
109. - Will you shut up?
- See the violence inherent in the system.Copy !req
110. - Shut up!
- See the violence inherent in the system!Copy !req
111. - Help, I'm being repressed!
- Bloody peasant!Copy !req
112. What a giveaway. Did you hear that?Copy !req
113. That's what I'm on about.
Did you see him repressing me?Copy !req
114. You fight with the strength
of many men, Sir Knight.Copy !req
115. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
116. I seek the finest and bravest knights
in the land to join me in Camelot.Copy !req
117. You have proved yourself worthy.
Will you join me?Copy !req
118. You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.Copy !req
119. None shall pass.Copy !req
120. - What?
- None shall pass.Copy !req
121. I have no quarrel with you, good
Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.Copy !req
122. Then you shall die.Copy !req
123. I command you, as King of the Britons,
to stand aside.Copy !req
124. I move for no man.Copy !req
125. So be it!Copy !req
126. Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.Copy !req
127. - 'Tis but a scratch.
- "A scratch"? Your arm's off.Copy !req
128. - No, it isn't.
- Well, what's that, then?Copy !req
129. - I've had worse.
- You liar.Copy !req
130. Come on, you pansy!Copy !req
131. Victory is mine.Copy !req
132. We thank thee, Lord, that in thy...Copy !req
133. - Come on, then.
- What?Copy !req
134. Have at you.Copy !req
135. You are brave, Sir Knight,
but the fight is mine.Copy !req
136. Had enough, eh?Copy !req
137. Look, you stupid bastard.
You've got no arms left.Copy !req
138. - Yes, I have.
- Look!Copy !req
139. Just a flesh wound.Copy !req
140. - Look, stop that.
- Chicken!Copy !req
141. I'll have your leg. Right!Copy !req
142. - Right! I'll do you for that.
- You'll what?Copy !req
143. - Come here.
- What are you going to do? Bleed on me?Copy !req
144. - I am invincible!
- You're a loony.Copy !req
145. The Black Knight always triumphs.
Have at you!Copy !req
146. Come on, then.Copy !req
147. All right, we'll call it a draw.Copy !req
148. - Come, Patsy.
- Oh, I see.Copy !req
149. Running away? You yellow bastard!Copy !req
150. Come back here and take what's coming
to you! I'll bite your legs off!Copy !req
151. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
152. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
153. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
154. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
155. - A witch!
- We found a witch.Copy !req
156. - We got a witch!
- We found a witch.Copy !req
157. We've got a witch.Copy !req
158. Burn her!Copy !req
159. - We have found a witch. May we burn her?
- Burn her!Copy !req
160. - How do you know she is a witch?
- She looks like one.Copy !req
161. Bring her forward.Copy !req
162. - I am not a witch.
- But you are dressed as one.Copy !req
163. - They dressed me up like this.
- We didn't!Copy !req
164. And this isn't my nose.
It's a false one.Copy !req
165. - Well?
- Well, we did do the nose.Copy !req
166. - The nose?
- And the hat. But she is a witch.Copy !req
167. Burn her!Copy !req
168. - Did you dress her up like this?
- No. Yes.Copy !req
169. Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.Copy !req
170. - What makes you think she is a witch?
- Well, she turned me into a newt.Copy !req
171. A newt?Copy !req
172. I got better.Copy !req
173. - Burn her anyway.
- Burn her!Copy !req
174. Quiet! There are ways of telling
whether she is a witch.Copy !req
175. - Are there? What are they? Tell us.
- Do they hurt?Copy !req
176. Tell me, what do you do with witches?Copy !req
177. Burn them!Copy !req
178. - What do you burn apart from witches?
- More witches!Copy !req
179. - Wood.
- So, why do witches burn?Copy !req
180. - 'Cause they're made of wood?
- Good.Copy !req
181. So, how do we tell
whether she is made of wood?Copy !req
182. - Build a bridge out of her.
- Can you not also make bridges of stone?Copy !req
183. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
184. Does wood sink in water?Copy !req
185. - No.
- It floats.Copy !req
186. Throw her into the pond!Copy !req
187. - What also floats in water?
- Bread.Copy !req
188. - Apples.
- Very small rocks.Copy !req
189. - Cider. Cherries.
- Gravy. Mud.Copy !req
190. - Churches.
- Lead.Copy !req
191. A duck!Copy !req
192. Exactly.Copy !req
193. So, logically...Copy !req
194. If sheCopy !req
195. weighs the same as a duck...Copy !req
196. She's made of wood.Copy !req
197. And, therefore...Copy !req
198. - A witch!
- A witch!Copy !req
199. We shall use my largest scales.Copy !req
200. Right. Remove the supports!Copy !req
201. - A witch!
- A witch!Copy !req
202. - It's a fair cop.
- Burn her!Copy !req
203. Who are you, who are so wise
in the ways of science?Copy !req
204. - I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
- My liege.Copy !req
205. Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?Copy !req
206. My liege, I would be honored.Copy !req
207. - What is your name?
- Bedevere, my liege.Copy !req
208. Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,Copy !req
209. knight of the Round Table.Copy !req
210. The wise Sir Bedevere was the first
to join King Arthur's knights.Copy !req
211. But other illustrious names
were soon to follow.Copy !req
212. Sir Lancelot the Brave.Copy !req
213. Sir Galahad the Pure.Copy !req
214. And Sir Robin,
the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,Copy !req
215. who had nearly fought
the Dragon of Angnor,Copy !req
216. who had nearly stood up
to the vicious Chicken of Bristol,Copy !req
217. and who had personally wet himself
at the Battle of Badon Hill.Copy !req
218. And the aptly named
Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.Copy !req
219. Together they formed a bandCopy !req
220. whose names and deeds were to be
retold throughout the centuries.Copy !req
221. The Knights of the Round Table.Copy !req
222. That, my liege, is how we know
the Earth to be banana-shaped.Copy !req
223. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere!Copy !req
224. Explain again how sheep's bladders
may be employed to prevent earthquakes.Copy !req
225. - Certainly, sir.
- Look, my liege.Copy !req
226. - Camelot.
- Camelot.Copy !req
227. - Camelot.
- It's only a model.Copy !req
228. Knights, I bid you welcome
to your new home.Copy !req
229. Let us ride to Camelot!Copy !req
230. We're knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're ableCopy !req
231. We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccableCopy !req
232. We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lotCopy !req
233. We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidableCopy !req
234. But many times
We're given rhymesCopy !req
235. That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in CamelotCopy !req
236. We sing from the diaphragm a lotCopy !req
237. In war we're tough and ableCopy !req
238. Quite indefatigableCopy !req
239. Between our quests
We sequin vestsCopy !req
240. And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in CamelotCopy !req
241. I have to push the pram a lotCopy !req
242. No, on second thoughts, let's not
go to Camelot. It is a silly place.Copy !req
243. Right.Copy !req
244. Arthur.Copy !req
245. King of the Britons.Copy !req
246. Don't grovel. If there's one thing
I can't stand, it's people groveling.Copy !req
247. - Sorry.
- And don't apologize.Copy !req
248. Every time I talk to someone it's
"sorry this" and "forgive me that"Copy !req
249. and "I'm not worthy."Copy !req
250. - What are you doing now?
- I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.Copy !req
251. Don't. It's like those miserable psalms.
They're so depressing.Copy !req
252. - Now, knock it off.
- Yes, Lord.Copy !req
253. Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
254. Your knights of the Round Table
shall have a taskCopy !req
255. to make them an example
in these dark times.Copy !req
256. - Good idea, O Lord!
- Course it's a good idea.Copy !req
257. Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.Copy !req
258. Look well, Arthur, for it is
your sacred task to seek this grail.Copy !req
259. That is your purpose, Arthur.Copy !req
260. The quest for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
261. - A blessing from the Lord.
- God be praised!Copy !req
262. Halt!Copy !req
263. Hello!Copy !req
264. Hello. Who is it?Copy !req
265. It is King Arthur, and these are
my knights of the Round Table.Copy !req
266. Whose castle is this?Copy !req
267. This is the castle of my master,
Guy de Loimbard.Copy !req
268. Go and tell your master that
we have been charged by GodCopy !req
269. with a sacred quest. If he will give us
food and shelter for the night,Copy !req
270. he can join us in our quest
for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
271. Well, I'll ask him,
but I don't think he'll be very keen.Copy !req
272. He's already got one, you see.Copy !req
273. - What?
- He says they've already got one!Copy !req
274. - Are you sure he's got one?
- Oh, yes. It's very nice.Copy !req
275. I told him we've already got one.Copy !req
276. - Can we come up and have a look?
- Of course not! You are English-types.Copy !req
277. - Well, what are you then?
- I'm French.Copy !req
278. Why do you think I have
this outrageous accent, you silly king?Copy !req
279. - What are you doing in England?
- Mind your own business.Copy !req
280. If you will not show us the Grail,
we shall take your castle by force.Copy !req
281. You don't frighten us,
English pig-dogs!Copy !req
282. Go and boil your bottoms,
sons of a silly person.Copy !req
283. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur King.Copy !req
284. You and all your silly English knights.Copy !req
285. - What a strange person.
- Now look here, my good man...Copy !req
286. I don't want to talk to you no more,Copy !req
287. you empty-headed,
animal food-trough wiper.Copy !req
288. I fart in your general direction.Copy !req
289. Your mother was a hamster,
and your father smelt of elderberries.Copy !req
290. Is there someone else up there
we could talk to?Copy !req
291. No. Now go away,
or I shall taunt you a second time.Copy !req
292. Now, this is your last chance.
I've been more than reasonable...Copy !req
293. - Fetchez la vache!
- Quoi?Copy !req
294. Fetchez la vache!Copy !req
295. If you do not agree to my commands,
then I shall...Copy !req
296. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
297. Crikey!Copy !req
298. Right! Charge!Copy !req
299. Run away! Run away!Copy !req
300. - Fiends! I'll tear them apart.
- No, no.Copy !req
301. Sir, I have a plan, sir.Copy !req
302. - Un cadeau.
- What?Copy !req
303. - A present.
- Un cadeau.Copy !req
304. Oui, allons-y. Let's go.Copy !req
305. What happens now?Copy !req
306. Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad,
and I wait until nightfall,Copy !req
307. and then leap out of the rabbit,
taking the French by surprise.Copy !req
308. Not only by surprise,
but totally unarmed!Copy !req
309. Who leaps out?Copy !req
310. Lancelot, Galahad, and ICopy !req
311. leap out of the rabbit.Copy !req
312. Look. If we built this large,
wooden badger...Copy !req
313. Run away!Copy !req
314. - History for Schools. Take 8.
- Action!Copy !req
315. Defeat at the castle seems to have
utterly disheartened King Arthur.Copy !req
316. The ferocity of the French taunting
took him completely by surprise.Copy !req
317. Arthur became convinced
that a new strategy was requiredCopy !req
318. if the quest for the Holy Grail were
to be brought to a successful conclusion.Copy !req
319. Arthur, having consulted
his closest knightsCopy !req
320. decided that they should separate,
and search for the Grail individually.Copy !req
321. Now, this is what they did...Copy !req
322. Frank!Copy !req
323. So, each of the knights
went their separate ways.Copy !req
324. Sir Robin rode north,
through the dark forest of Ewing,Copy !req
325. accompanied by his favorite minstrels.Copy !req
326. Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from CamelotCopy !req
327. He was not afraid to die
O, Brave Sir RobinCopy !req
328. He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty waysCopy !req
329. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir RobinCopy !req
330. He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulpCopy !req
331. Or to have his eyes gouged out
And his elbows brokenCopy !req
332. To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned awayCopy !req
333. And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir RobinCopy !req
334. His head smashed in
And his heart cut outCopy !req
335. His liver removed
And his bowels unpluggedCopy !req
336. His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off
And his penis...Copy !req
337. That's enough music for now, lads.Copy !req
338. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.Copy !req
339. Anarcho-syndicalism
is a way of preserving freedom.Copy !req
340. Dennis, forget about freedom.
Don't drop that mud.Copy !req
341. Halt! Who art thou?Copy !req
342. He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...Copy !req
343. Shut up!Copy !req
344. Nobody, really.
I was just passing through.Copy !req
345. What do you want?Copy !req
346. To fight and...Copy !req
347. Shut up!Copy !req
348. Nothing. Nothing, really.Copy !req
349. - Just to pass through, good Sir Knight.
- I'm afraid not.Copy !req
350. - Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table.
- You're a knight of the Round Table?Copy !req
351. I am.Copy !req
352. - In that case, I have to kill you.
- Shall I?Copy !req
353. - I don't think so.
- What do I think?Copy !req
354. - Kill him.
- Let's be nice to him.Copy !req
355. - Shut up.
- But...Copy !req
356. And you!Copy !req
357. Get the sword out.
I want to cut his head off!Copy !req
358. - Cut your own head off.
- Yes, do us all a favor.Copy !req
359. - What?
- Yapping on all the time.Copy !req
360. - You're lucky you're not next to him.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
361. - You snore.
- I don't.Copy !req
362. - You've got bad breath.
- Only because you don't brush my teeth.Copy !req
363. Stop bitching, and let's go and have tea!Copy !req
364. All right! We'll kill him first,
and then have tea and biscuits.Copy !req
365. - Yes.
- Not biscuits.Copy !req
366. All right! Not biscuits.
But let's kill him anyway.Copy !req
367. Right.Copy !req
368. - He's buggered off!
- So he has! He's scarpered.Copy !req
369. Brave Sir Robin ran awayCopy !req
370. No!Copy !req
371. Bravely ran away, awayCopy !req
372. I didn't.Copy !req
373. When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fledCopy !req
374. Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened outCopy !req
375. Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreatCopy !req
376. Bravest of the brave, Sir RobinCopy !req
377. I never!Copy !req
378. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
379. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
380. Open the door.Copy !req
381. In the name of King Arthur,
open the door!Copy !req
382. Hello!Copy !req
383. Welcome, gentle Sir Knight.
Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.Copy !req
384. - The Castle Anthrax?
- Yes.Copy !req
385. It's not a very good name, is it?Copy !req
386. But we are nice, and we will attend
to your every, every need!Copy !req
387. You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?Copy !req
388. - The what?
- The Grail. It is here?Copy !req
389. But you are tired,
and you must rest awhile.Copy !req
390. Midget! Crapper!Copy !req
391. - Yes, O Zoot?
- Prepare a bed for our guest.Copy !req
392. - Thank you, Zoot.
- Thank you.Copy !req
393. Away, away, varletesses!Copy !req
394. The beds here are warm and soft,
and very, very big.Copy !req
395. - Look, I...
- What is your name, handsome knight?Copy !req
396. Sir Galahad the Chaste.Copy !req
397. Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.Copy !req
398. - But come.
- Please, in God's name, show me the Grail.Copy !req
399. You have suffered much.
You are delirious.Copy !req
400. - Look, I have seen it. It is here.
- Sir Galahad!Copy !req
401. You would not be so ungallant
as to refuse our hospitality.Copy !req
402. I'm afraid our life must seem very
dull and quiet, compared to yours.Copy !req
403. We're eight score blondes and brunettes,
all between 16 and 19 and a half,Copy !req
404. cut off in this castle,
with no one to protect us.Copy !req
405. It is a lonely life.Copy !req
406. Bathing, dressing, undressing,
making exciting underwear.Copy !req
407. We are just not used to handsome knights.Copy !req
408. Nay. Come. You may lie here.Copy !req
409. - But you are wounded!
- No, it's nothing!Copy !req
410. You must see the doctors immediately.
Please, lie down.Copy !req
411. - Well, what seems to be the trouble?
- They're doctors?Copy !req
412. They have a basic medical training.Copy !req
413. Come, come, you must try to rest.Copy !req
414. Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston!
Practice your art.Copy !req
415. - Try to relax.
- Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?Copy !req
416. We must examine you.Copy !req
417. - There's nothing wrong with that.
- Please. We are doctors.Copy !req
418. Look, this cannot be.Copy !req
419. - I am sworn to chastity!
- Back to your bed!Copy !req
420. Torment me no longer.
I have seen the Grail!Copy !req
421. - There's no Grail here.
- I have seen it.Copy !req
422. - I have seen...
- Hello.Copy !req
423. Hello.Copy !req
424. - Zoot!
- I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.Copy !req
425. - Where are you going?
- I seek the Grail.Copy !req
426. I have seen it here in this castle!Copy !req
427. Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot!Copy !req
428. - What is it?
- Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!Copy !req
429. She has been setting light to our beacon,
which is Grail-shaped.Copy !req
430. It's not the first time
we've had this problem.Copy !req
431. It's not the real Grail?Copy !req
432. Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot.Copy !req
433. She is a bad person,
and must pay the penalty.Copy !req
434. Do you think this scene
should have been cut?Copy !req
435. We were so worried
when the boys were writing it.Copy !req
436. But now we're glad. It's better
than some previous scenes, I think.Copy !req
437. Ours was better visually.Copy !req
438. Ours was committed.
It wasn't a string of pussy jokes.Copy !req
439. - Get on with it.
- Yes. Get on with it!Copy !req
440. Get on with it!Copy !req
441. - I am enjoying this scene.
- Get on with it!Copy !req
442. Wicked, wicked Zoot!Copy !req
443. She must pay the penalty.Copy !req
444. In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment
for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon.Copy !req
445. You must tie her down on a bed,
and spank her.Copy !req
446. A spanking! A spanking!Copy !req
447. You must spank her, and after you've
spanked her, deal with her as you like.Copy !req
448. - And, then, spank me.
- And me!Copy !req
449. - And me.
- And me.Copy !req
450. Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!Copy !req
451. A spanking!Copy !req
452. - And, after the spanking, the oral sex.
- The oral sex!Copy !req
453. Well, I could stay a bit longer.Copy !req
454. - Sir Galahad!
- Hello.Copy !req
455. - Quick! You are in great peril.
- Why?Copy !req
456. - No, he isn't!
- Silence, foul temptress!Copy !req
457. - She's got a point.
- We'll cover your escape!Copy !req
458. - Look, I'm fine!
- Wait, Sir Galahad!Copy !req
459. - I can tackle this lot single-handed!
- Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!Copy !req
460. No, Sir Galahad. Come!Copy !req
461. Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!Copy !req
462. - Yes, let him handle us easily.
- Go! Quick!Copy !req
463. Wait! Please! I can defeat them!
There's only 150 of them!Copy !req
464. He'll beat us easily.
We haven't a chance.Copy !req
465. Oh, shit!Copy !req
466. - You were in great peril.
- I don't think I was.Copy !req
467. You were in terrible peril.Copy !req
468. - Let me go back, and face the peril.
- No, it's too perilous.Copy !req
469. It's my duty to sample
as much peril as I can.Copy !req
470. We've got to find the Holy Grail.Copy !req
471. - Let me have just a bit of peril?
- No. It's unhealthy.Copy !req
472. - I bet you're gay.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
473. Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad
from almost certain temptation.Copy !req
474. But, they were still no nearer the Grail.Copy !req
475. King Arthur and Sir Bedevere,
not more than a swallow's flight away,Copy !req
476. had discovered something.Copy !req
477. That's an unladen
swallow's flight, obviously.Copy !req
478. They were more than
two laden swallow's flights away.Copy !req
479. Four, with a coconut
on a line between them.Copy !req
480. If the birds were...Copy !req
481. Get on with it!Copy !req
482. Oh, anyway,Copy !req
483. on to scene 24, which is a smashing scene,
with some lovely acting,Copy !req
484. in which Arthur discovers a vital clue.Copy !req
485. There aren't any swallows,
but I think you can hear a...Copy !req
486. And this enchanter of whom you speak,
he has seen the Grail?Copy !req
487. Where does he live?Copy !req
488. Old man, where does he live?Copy !req
489. He knows of a cave.
A cave which no man has entered.Copy !req
490. - And the Grail. The Grail is there?
- There is much danger.Copy !req
491. For beyond the cave
lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,Copy !req
492. which no man has ever crossed.Copy !req
493. But the Grail. Where is the Grail?Copy !req
494. Seek you the Bridge of Death.Copy !req
495. The Bridge of Death?
Which leads to the Grail?Copy !req
496. - Who are you?
- We are the knights who say "Ni"!Copy !req
497. - No! Not the knights who say "Ni"?
- The same!Copy !req
498. - Who are they?
- We are the keepers of the sacred words.Copy !req
499. "Ni", "Peng" and "Neee Wom"!Copy !req
500. Those who hear them
seldom live to tell the tale.Copy !req
501. The knights who say "Ni"
demand a sacrifice.Copy !req
502. Knights of Ni,
we are but simple travelersCopy !req
503. who seek the enchanter
who lives beyond these woods.Copy !req
504. Ni! Ni!Copy !req
505. We shall say "Ni" again to you,
if you do not appease us.Copy !req
506. - What is it you want?
- We wantCopy !req
507. a shrubbery.Copy !req
508. A what?Copy !req
509. - Ni! Ni!
- Please! No more!Copy !req
510. - We will find you a shrubbery.
- You must return with a shrubbery,Copy !req
511. or else you will never pass
through this woodCopy !req
512. alive.Copy !req
513. Knights of Ni, you are just and fair.Copy !req
514. - We will return with a shrubbery.
- One that looks nice.Copy !req
515. - Of course.
- And not too expensive.Copy !req
516. - Yes.
- Now go!Copy !req
517. Stop that! Stop that!Copy !req
518. Go on, clear off! Go away.Copy !req
519. And you, clear off!Copy !req
520. Bloody weather.Copy !req
521. The tale of Sir Lancelot.Copy !req
522. One day, lad, all this will be yours.Copy !req
523. - What, the curtains?
- No, not the curtains.Copy !req
524. All that you can see,
stretched out over the hills and valleys.Copy !req
525. That'll be your kingdom, lad.Copy !req
526. - But, Mother.
- Father, lad.Copy !req
527. - But, Father, I don't want any of that.
- Listen, lad.Copy !req
528. I built this kingdom up from nothing!
When I started here, it was a swamp.Copy !req
529. Other kings said I was daft
to build a castle on the swamp.Copy !req
530. But I built it all the same to show them.Copy !req
531. It sank into the swamp.Copy !req
532. So, I built a second one.
That sank into the swamp.Copy !req
533. So, I built a third one. That burned down,
fell over, then sank in the swamp.Copy !req
534. But the fourth one stayed up.Copy !req
535. And that's what you'll get, lad.Copy !req
536. - The strongest castle in these isles.
- But I don't want any of that.Copy !req
537. - I'd rather...
- Rather what?Copy !req
538. I'd rather justCopy !req
539. - sing.
- Stop that.Copy !req
540. You're not going into a song
while I'm here!Copy !req
541. In 20 minutes, you're marrying a girlCopy !req
542. whose father owns the biggest
tracts of open land in Britain.Copy !req
543. - But I don't want land.
- Listen, Alice.Copy !req
544. - Herbert.
- Herbert.Copy !req
545. We live on a bloody swamp,
we need all the land we can get.Copy !req
546. - But I don't like her.
- Don't like her?Copy !req
547. What's wrong with her?Copy !req
548. She's beautiful, she's rich.
She's got hugeCopy !req
549. tracts of land.Copy !req
550. I know, but I want the girl
that I marry to haveCopy !req
551. a certain special something.Copy !req
552. Cut that out!Copy !req
553. You're marrying Princess Lucky,
so you'd better get used to the idea!Copy !req
554. Guards!Copy !req
555. Make sure the Prince doesn't
leave the room until I get him.Copy !req
556. Not to leave the room,
even if you come and get him.Copy !req
557. No. Until I come and get him.Copy !req
558. Until you come and get him,
we're not to enter the room.Copy !req
559. No, you stay in the room
and make sure he doesn't leave.Copy !req
560. - And you'll come and get him.
- Right.Copy !req
561. We don't need to do anything,
apart from stop him entering the room.Copy !req
562. - No. Leaving the room.
- Leaving the room, yes.Copy !req
563. - All right?
- Right. If...Copy !req
564. - If we're...
- Yes?Copy !req
565. Look, it's quite simple.Copy !req
566. You stay here and make sure
he doesn't leave the room.Copy !req
567. - All right?
- I remember.Copy !req
568. Can he leave the room with us?Copy !req
569. No, you just keep him in here,
and make sure...Copy !req
570. Yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously.Copy !req
571. - But if he had to leave...
- No. Keep him in here!Copy !req
572. - Until you, or anyone...
- Not anyone, just me!Copy !req
573. - Just you...
- Get back.Copy !req
574. - Right?
- Right.Copy !req
575. We'll stay here until you get back.Copy !req
576. - And make sure he doesn't leave.
- What?Copy !req
577. - Make sure he doesn't leave.
- The Prince?Copy !req
578. - Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
- Yes, of course!Copy !req
579. I thought you meant him!Copy !req
580. It seemed a bit daft me having
to guard him when he's a guard.Copy !req
581. - Is that clear?
- Quite clear. No problems.Copy !req
582. Right.Copy !req
583. - Where are you going?
- We're coming with you.Copy !req
584. No, I want you to stay here,
and make sure he doesn't leave.Copy !req
585. I see, right.Copy !req
586. - But, Father...
- Shut it, and get that suit on.Copy !req
587. And no singing!Copy !req
588. Go and get a glass of water!Copy !req
589. - Well taken, Concorde!
- Thank you, sir, most kind.Copy !req
590. And again!Copy !req
591. Over we go! Good, steady!Copy !req
592. Now, the big one!Copy !req
593. Come on, Concorde!Copy !req
594. Message for you, sir.Copy !req
595. Concorde, speak to me!Copy !req
596. "To whoever finds this note.Copy !req
597. "I have been imprisoned by my father,Copy !req
598. "who wishes me to marry against my will.Copy !req
599. "Please, please come and rescue me.Copy !req
600. "I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."Copy !req
601. At last! A call! A cry of distress!Copy !req
602. This could be the sign
that leads us to the Holy Grail!Copy !req
603. Brave Concorde,
you shall not have died in vain!Copy !req
604. I'm not quite dead, sir.Copy !req
605. You shall not have been
mortally wounded in vain!Copy !req
606. I think I could pull through, sir.Copy !req
607. - I see.
- I think I'm all right to come with you.Copy !req
608. No, sweet Concorde! Stay here.Copy !req
609. I will send help as soon as
I have accomplished a daring andCopy !req
610. heroic rescue in my own particular...Copy !req
611. - Idiom, sir?
- Idiom!Copy !req
612. - No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
- Farewell, sweet Concorde!Copy !req
613. I'll just stay here, shall I, sir?Copy !req
614. Yeah.Copy !req
615. - Morning.
- Morning.Copy !req
616. Hey!Copy !req
617. You're not allowed to enter the room...Copy !req
618. Fair one, behold your humble servant,
Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Copy !req
619. - I have come to take... I'm terribly sorry.
- You got my note!Copy !req
620. - I got a note.
- You've come to rescue me?Copy !req
621. - Well, no, you see...
- I knew someone would.Copy !req
622. I knew that somewhere out there,
there must be someone...Copy !req
623. Stop that! Stop it!Copy !req
624. Who are you?Copy !req
625. - I'm your son.
- No, not you.Copy !req
626. - I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
- He's come to rescue me, Father.Copy !req
627. - Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Did you kill all those guards?Copy !req
628. Yes. Sorry.Copy !req
629. - They cost 50 pounds each.
- I'm awfully sorry.Copy !req
630. Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot.
I've got a rope ready.Copy !req
631. You killed eight wedding guests and all!Copy !req
632. Well, you see,
I thought your son was a lady.Copy !req
633. I can understand that.Copy !req
634. - Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
- Shut up!Copy !req
635. - You only killed the bride's father!
- I didn't mean to.Copy !req
636. Didn't mean to?
You put your sword through his head!Copy !req
637. - Oh dear, is he all right?
- You kicked the bride in the chest!Copy !req
638. - It's going to cost me a fortune!
- I can explain.Copy !req
639. I was in the forest, riding north
from Camelot, when I got this note.Copy !req
640. - Are you from Camelot?
- Hurry, Sir Lancelot!Copy !req
641. I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir.Copy !req
642. Very nice castle, Camelot.
Very good pig country.Copy !req
643. - Is it?
- I am ready!Copy !req
644. - Would you like to come have a drink?
- That's awfully nice of you.Copy !req
645. - I am ready!
- I mean, to be so understanding.Copy !req
646. You see, when I'm in this idiom,
I sometimes get a bit carried away.Copy !req
647. Now, this is the main hall.
We'll have all this knocked through...Copy !req
648. - There he is!
- Bloody hell.Copy !req
649. - Hold it, please!
- See what I mean? I get carried away.Copy !req
650. I'm really most awfully sorry.
Sorry, everyone.Copy !req
651. He's killed the best man!Copy !req
652. Hold it, please, hold it!
This is Sir LancelotCopy !req
653. from the Court of Camelot,
a brave and influential knight.Copy !req
654. - And my special guest here today.
- Hello.Copy !req
655. He killed my auntie!Copy !req
656. No, please! This is supposed
to be a happy occasion!Copy !req
657. Let's not bicker and argue
about who killed who.Copy !req
658. We are here today to witness
the union of two young peopleCopy !req
659. in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.Copy !req
660. Unfortunately, one of them,
my son Herbert,Copy !req
661. has just fallen to his death.Copy !req
662. But I don't want to think
I've lost a son, so much asCopy !req
663. gained a daughter.Copy !req
664. For, since the tragic
death of her father...Copy !req
665. He's not quite dead!Copy !req
666. Since the near fatal
wounding of her father...Copy !req
667. He's getting better!Copy !req
668. For, since her own fatherCopy !req
669. who, when he seemed about to recover,Copy !req
670. suddenly felt the icy
hand of death upon him.Copy !req
671. He's died!Copy !req
672. I want his only daughter
to look upon meCopy !req
673. as her own dad, in a very real,
and legally binding sense.Copy !req
674. And I feel sure that the merger,
the union between the PrincessCopy !req
675. and the brave but dangerous
Sir Lancelot of Camelot...Copy !req
676. - What?
- Look, the dead Prince!Copy !req
677. - He's not quite dead!
- I feel much better!Copy !req
678. You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!Copy !req
679. - No, I was saved at the last minute.
- How?Copy !req
680. I'll tell you.Copy !req
681. Not like that! Not like that.Copy !req
682. He's going to tell
He's going to tellCopy !req
683. Quickly, sir, come this way!Copy !req
684. No, it's not right for my idiom.
I must escape more...Copy !req
685. - Dramatically, sir?
- Dramatically.Copy !req
686. Excuse me, could somebody
give me a push, please?Copy !req
687. Old crone!Copy !req
688. Is there anywhere in this town
where we could buy a shrubbery?Copy !req
689. - Who sent you?
- The knights who say "Ni"!Copy !req
690. No! We have no shrubberies here.Copy !req
691. If you do not tell us where we
can buy a shrubbery, my friend and ICopy !req
692. will say...Copy !req
693. We will say "Ni".Copy !req
694. Do your worst!Copy !req
695. Very well. If you will not
assist us voluntarily...Copy !req
696. - Ni!
- No!Copy !req
697. Never. No shrubberies.Copy !req
698. - Ni!
- Noo!Copy !req
699. No, it's not that, it's "Ni".Copy !req
700. No, you're not doing it properly.Copy !req
701. - Ni!
- You've got it.Copy !req
702. - Ni!
- Ni!Copy !req
703. Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?Copy !req
704. Yes.Copy !req
705. What sad times are these when passing
ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies.Copy !req
706. There is a pestilence upon this land.
Nothing is sacred.Copy !req
707. Even those who arrange shrubberies
are under considerable economic stressCopy !req
708. at this period in history.Copy !req
709. - Did you say "shrubberies"?
- Yes.Copy !req
710. Shrubberies are my trade.
I am a shrubber.Copy !req
711. My name is Roger the Shrubber.
I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.Copy !req
712. - Ni!
- No!Copy !req
713. Knights of Ni,
we have brought you your shrubbery.Copy !req
714. - May we go?
- It is a good shrubbery.Copy !req
715. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.Copy !req
716. What is that?Copy !req
717. We are now no longer
the knights who say "Ni".Copy !req
718. We are now the knights who say,Copy !req
719. "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing"!Copy !req
720. Therefore, we must give you a test.Copy !req
721. What is this test,
knights who until recently said "Ni"?Copy !req
722. Firstly, you must findCopy !req
723. another shrubbery!Copy !req
724. Not another shrubbery!Copy !req
725. Then you must bring it here
beside this shrubbery.Copy !req
726. Higher, so you get the two-level effect
with a path going down the middle.Copy !req
727. A path! A path!Copy !req
728. Then, when you have found
the shrubberies,Copy !req
729. you must cut down
the mightiest tree in the forestCopy !req
730. with a herring!Copy !req
731. - We shall do no such thing.
- Please.Copy !req
732. Cut down a tree with a herring?
It can't be done.Copy !req
733. - Don't say that word.
- What word?Copy !req
734. I cannot tell. Suffice to say,Copy !req
735. it's one of the words
the knights of Ni cannot hear.Copy !req
736. How can we not say the word
if you don't tell us what it is?Copy !req
737. - He did it again.
- What? "Is"?Copy !req
738. No, not "is"! You wouldn't get
very far in life not saying "is".Copy !req
739. My liege, it's Robin.Copy !req
740. He's jacking it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering offCopy !req
741. And chickening out and pissing a pot
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the spongeCopy !req
742. - Robin.
- My liege.Copy !req
743. - It's good to see you.
- Now he's said the word!Copy !req
744. You haven't given up your quest
for the Holy Grail?Copy !req
745. He is sneaking away and...Copy !req
746. Shut up!Copy !req
747. - No, far from it.
- You said the word again.Copy !req
748. I was looking for it here in this forest.Copy !req
749. - No, it is far from this place.
- Stop saying the word!Copy !req
750. - The word we cannot hear!
- Stop it!Copy !req
751. - He said "it" again!
- That's it!Copy !req
752. I've said "it". I've said "it".
I've said "it" again!Copy !req
753. That's three "its"!Copy !req
754. And so Arthur and Bedevere and
Sir Robin set out on their search to findCopy !req
755. the enchanter of whom
the old man had spoken in scene 24.Copy !req
756. Beyond the forest
they met Lancelot and Galahad,Copy !req
757. and there was much rejoicing.Copy !req
758. In the frozen land of Nador,Copy !req
759. they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.Copy !req
760. And there was much rejoicing.Copy !req
761. A year passed.Copy !req
762. Winter changed into spring.Copy !req
763. Spring changed into summer.Copy !req
764. Summer changed back into winter,Copy !req
765. and winter gave spring and summer
a miss and went straight on into autumn.Copy !req
766. Until one day.Copy !req
767. Knights,Copy !req
768. forward!Copy !req
769. What manner of man are you
that can summon up fireCopy !req
770. - without flint or tinder?
- I am an enchanter.Copy !req
771. - By what name are you known?
- There are some who call me...Copy !req
772. - Tim.
- Greetings, Tim the enchanter!Copy !req
773. Greetings, King Arthur.Copy !req
774. - You know my name?
- I do.Copy !req
775. You seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
776. That is our quest.
You know much that is hidden, Tim.Copy !req
777. Quite!Copy !req
778. Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
779. - Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
780. - And so we're looking for it.
- Yes, we are.Copy !req
781. - We have been for some time.
- Ages.Copy !req
782. So, anything you could do
to help would beCopy !req
783. veryCopy !req
784. - helpful.
- Look, can you tell us where...Copy !req
785. Fine, I don't want to waste
any more of your time,Copy !req
786. but I don't suppose you could
tell us where we might find a...Copy !req
787. A what?Copy !req
788. A grail?Copy !req
789. Yes, I think so.Copy !req
790. Yes.Copy !req
791. Yes!Copy !req
792. - Thank you.
- Splendid!Copy !req
793. Look, you're a busy man...Copy !req
794. Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.Copy !req
795. To the north, there lies a cave.
The Cave of Caerbannog.Copy !req
796. Wherein, carved in mystic runes,
upon the very living rock,Copy !req
797. the last words of Olfin Bedwere of RhegedCopy !req
798. make plain the last resting place
of the most Holy Grail.Copy !req
799. - Where could we find this cave, Tim?
- Follow!Copy !req
800. But follow only if ye be men of valor.Copy !req
801. For the entrance to this cave
is guarded by a creatureCopy !req
802. so foul, so cruel,Copy !req
803. that no man yet has fought
with it and lived.Copy !req
804. Bones of full 50 men lie strewn
about its lair.Copy !req
805. So, brave knights,
if you do doubt your courageCopy !req
806. or your strength, come no further,Copy !req
807. for death awaits you all
with nasty, big, pointy teeth.Copy !req
808. What an eccentric performance!Copy !req
809. They're nervous, sire.Copy !req
810. Then we'd best leave them here
and carry on, on foot.Copy !req
811. Dismount!Copy !req
812. Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!Copy !req
813. - Right, keep me covered.
- What with?Copy !req
814. - Just keep me covered.
- Too late.Copy !req
815. There he is!Copy !req
816. - Where?
- There.Copy !req
817. - What, behind the rabbit?
- It is the rabbit.Copy !req
818. - You silly sod!
- What?Copy !req
819. You got us all worked up.Copy !req
820. That's no ordinary rabbit.Copy !req
821. That's the most foul, cruel and
bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.Copy !req
822. You tit! I soiled my armor
I was so scared!Copy !req
823. Look, that rabbit's got
a vicious streak a mile wide.Copy !req
824. - It's a killer!
- Get stuffed.Copy !req
825. - He'll do you up a treat, mate!
- Yeah?Copy !req
826. - You manky Scots git!
- I'm warning you.Copy !req
827. - What's he do? Nibble your bum?
- He's got huge, sharp...Copy !req
828. It can leap about...Copy !req
829. - Look at the bones!
- Go on, Bors, chop its head off.Copy !req
830. Right. Silly little bleeder.
One rabbit stew coming right up.Copy !req
831. Look!Copy !req
832. - Jesus Christ!
- I warned you!Copy !req
833. - I've done it again.
- I warned you.Copy !req
834. But did you listen to me?
No, you knew it all, didn't you?Copy !req
835. It's just a harmless little bunny,
isn't it? Well, it's always the same.Copy !req
836. - I always...
- Shut up!Copy !req
837. Charge!Copy !req
838. Run away!Copy !req
839. - How many did we lose?
- Gawain.Copy !req
840. - Ector.
- And Bors. That's five.Copy !req
841. - Three.
- Three.Copy !req
842. We better not risk another frontal assault,
that rabbit's dynamite.Copy !req
843. Would it help to confuse it
if we run away more?Copy !req
844. - Shut up and change your armor.
- Let us taunt it.Copy !req
845. It may become so cross
that it will make a mistake.Copy !req
846. Like what?Copy !req
847. Well...Copy !req
848. - Have we got bows?
- No.Copy !req
849. - We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
- Yes, of course!Copy !req
850. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.Copy !req
851. It's one of the sacred relics
Brother Maynard carries.Copy !req
852. Brother Maynard!
Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.Copy !req
853. How does it...Copy !req
854. How does it work?Copy !req
855. - I know not, my liege.
- Consult the Book of Armaments.Copy !req
856. Armaments 2:9-21.Copy !req
857. "And St. Attila raised the
hand grenade up on high, saying,Copy !req
858. " 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade,
that with it thou mayestCopy !req
859. " 'blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'Copy !req
860. "And the Lord did grin
and the people did feast uponCopy !req
861. "the lambs and sloths and carp
and anchovies and orangutansCopy !req
862. "and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..."Copy !req
863. Skip a bit, Brother.Copy !req
864. "The Lord spake, saying,
'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin,Copy !req
865. " 'then shalt thou count to three,
no more, no less.Copy !req
866. " 'Three shalt be the number
thou shalt count,Copy !req
867. " 'and the number
of the counting shalt be three.Copy !req
868. " 'Four shalt thou not count,
neither count thou two,Copy !req
869. " 'excepting that thou then proceed to three.Copy !req
870. " 'Five is right out.Copy !req
871. " 'Once the number three,
being the third number be reached,Copy !req
872. " 'then lobbest thou
thy Holy Hand Grenade of AntiochCopy !req
873. " 'towards thy foe,
who, being naughty in my sight,Copy !req
874. " 'shall snuff it.' "Copy !req
875. Amen.Copy !req
876. Right.Copy !req
877. One, two, five!Copy !req
878. - Three, sir!
- Three!Copy !req
879. There! Look!Copy !req
880. - What does it say?
- What language is that?Copy !req
881. Brother Maynard, you're our scholar.Copy !req
882. It is Aramaic!Copy !req
883. Of course. Joseph of Arimathea!Copy !req
884. - Of course.
- What does it say?Copy !req
885. It reads, "Here may be foundCopy !req
886. "the last words of Joseph of Arimathea.Copy !req
887. " 'He who is valiant and pure of spiritCopy !req
888. " 'may find the Holy GrailCopy !req
889. " 'in the Castle of Aaargh.' "Copy !req
890. What?Copy !req
891. "The Castle of Aaargh."Copy !req
892. What is that?Copy !req
893. He must have died while carving it.Copy !req
894. - Come on!
- That's what it says.Copy !req
895. Look, if he was dying,
he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh".Copy !req
896. - He'd just say it.
- That's what's carved in the rock.Copy !req
897. - Perhaps he was dictating it.
- Shut up!Copy !req
898. - Does it say anything else?
- No!Copy !req
899. Just "Aaargh".Copy !req
900. Aaargh.Copy !req
901. Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?Copy !req
902. - Where's that?
- In France, I think.Copy !req
903. - Isn't there a St. Aaargh's in Cornwall?
- No, that's St. Ives.Copy !req
904. St. Ives.Copy !req
905. No, "Aaargh". At the back of the throat.Copy !req
906. No, "Ooh," in surprise and alarm!Copy !req
907. - You mean a sort of an "Ah!"
- Yes, that's right.Copy !req
908. My God!Copy !req
909. It's the legendary Black Beast of...Copy !req
910. That's it! Run away!Copy !req
911. Keep running.Copy !req
912. We've lost him.Copy !req
913. As the horrendous Black Beast
lunged forward,Copy !req
914. escape for Arthur
and his knights seemed hopeless.Copy !req
915. When, suddenly, the animator
suffered a fatal heart attack.Copy !req
916. The cartoon peril was no more.Copy !req
917. The quest for the
Holy Grail could continue.Copy !req
918. There it is!Copy !req
919. - The Bridge of Death.
- Great.Copy !req
920. Look! There's the old man from Scene 24.Copy !req
921. - What's he doing here?
- He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.Copy !req
922. He asks each traveler five questions.Copy !req
923. - Three questions.
- Three questions.Copy !req
924. - He who answers the five questions...
- Three questions.Copy !req
925. - ... three questions, may cross in safety.
- What if you get a question wrong?Copy !req
926. Then you are cast
into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.Copy !req
927. - Oh, wacko.
- Who's going to answer the questions?Copy !req
928. Brave Sir Robin, you go.Copy !req
929. I've got a great idea.Copy !req
930. Why doesn't Lancelot go?Copy !req
931. Yes, let me go, my liege.
I will take him single-handed.Copy !req
932. - I shall make a feint to the northeast...
- Hang on!Copy !req
933. - Just answer the five questions...
- Three questions.Copy !req
934. three questions, as best you can.
And we shall watch and pray.Copy !req
935. I understand, my liege.Copy !req
936. Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot.
God be with you.Copy !req
937. Stop!Copy !req
938. Who would cross the Bridge of Death,
must answer me these questions three.Copy !req
939. Ere the other side he see.Copy !req
940. Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.
I'm not afraid.Copy !req
941. - What is your name?
- My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Copy !req
942. What is your quest?Copy !req
943. To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
944. What is your favorite color?Copy !req
945. - Blue.
- Right. Off you go.Copy !req
946. Well, thank you very much.Copy !req
947. That's easy.Copy !req
948. Stop.Copy !req
949. Who approacheth the Bridge of Death,
must answer me these questions three.Copy !req
950. Ere the other side he see.Copy !req
951. Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.
I'm not afraid.Copy !req
952. - What is your name?
- Sir Robin of Camelot.Copy !req
953. - What is your quest?
- To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
954. What is the capital of Assyria?Copy !req
955. I don't know that!Copy !req
956. Stop!Copy !req
957. - What is your name?
- Sir Galahad of Camelot.Copy !req
958. - What is your quest?
- I seek the Grail.Copy !req
959. - What is your favorite color?
- Blue.Copy !req
960. No! Yellow!Copy !req
961. Stop!Copy !req
962. - What is your name?
- It is Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
963. - What is your quest?
- To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
964. What is the air-speed velocity
of an unladen swallow?Copy !req
965. What do you mean?
An African or European swallow?Copy !req
966. I don't know that!Copy !req
967. How do you know so much about swallows?Copy !req
968. You have to know these things
when you're a king.Copy !req
969. Lancelot!Copy !req
970. The Castle Aaargh.
Our quest is at an end.Copy !req
971. God be praised.Copy !req
972. Almighty God,Copy !req
973. we thank thee, that thou hast
vouchsafed to us the most holy...Copy !req
974. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
975. Hello, stuffy English knightsCopy !req
976. and Monsieur Arthur King,
who has the brain of a duck, you know.Copy !req
977. So, we French fellows
outwit you a second time.Copy !req
978. How dare you profane this place
with your presence?Copy !req
979. I command you,
in the name of the knights of Camelot,Copy !req
980. to open the doors of this sacred castle,Copy !req
981. to which God himself has guided us.Copy !req
982. How you English say? One more time,
I unclog my nose in your direction,Copy !req
983. sons of a window-dresser!Copy !req
984. So, you think you could
out-clever us French folkCopy !req
985. with your silly knees-bent,
running about, advancing behavior.Copy !req
986. I wave my private parts at your aunties.Copy !req
987. You cheesy lot of second-hand,
electric donkey-bottom biters!Copy !req
988. In the name of the Lord,Copy !req
989. we demand entrance to this sacred castle!Copy !req
990. No chance, English bed-wetting types.Copy !req
991. I burst my pimples at you, and call your
door-opening request a silly thing!Copy !req
992. You tiny-brained wipers
of other people's bottoms.Copy !req
993. If you'll not open this door,
we shall take this castle by force!Copy !req
994. In the name of God and the glory of our...Copy !req
995. Right! That settles it!Copy !req
996. Depart at this time,
and don't be approaching any more,Copy !req
997. or we fire arrows into your heads,
and make castanets out of your testicles.Copy !req
998. Walk away, just ignore them.Copy !req
999. And now remain gone,
illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!Copy !req
1000. And, if you think you got a nasty
taunting this time, you ain't heardCopy !req
1001. nothing yet, stuffy English knights!Copy !req
1002. - We shall attack at once.
- Yes, my liege.Copy !req
1003. Stand by for attack!Copy !req
1004. French persons!Copy !req
1005. Today the blood of many a valiant
knight shall be avenged.Copy !req
1006. In the name of God,
we shall not stop our fightCopy !req
1007. till each one of you lies dead,
and the Holy GrailCopy !req
1008. returns to those whom God has chosen.Copy !req
1009. Charge!Copy !req
1010. Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure.Copy !req
1011. - Come on.
- Put this man in the van.Copy !req
1012. - Put him in the van.
- Get a blanket over that one.Copy !req
1013. Come on, back! Right back!Copy !req
1014. That's an offensive weapon, that is.Copy !req
1015. All right, sonny, that's enough.
Pack that in.Copy !req