1. Whoa, there!Copy !req
2. Halt!Copy !req
3. Who goes there?Copy !req
4. It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon,
from the castle of Camelot.Copy !req
5. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons.Copy !req
6. Sovereign of all England!Copy !req
7. Pull the other one.Copy !req
8. I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.Copy !req
9. We have ridden the length of the land
in search of knightsCopy !req
10. who will join me in my court at Camelot.
I must speak with your lord and master.Copy !req
11. - What? Ridden on a horse?
- Yes.Copy !req
12. - You're using coconuts!
- What?Copy !req
13. You've got two empty halves of coconut,
and you're banging them together.Copy !req
14. So? We have ridden since
the snows of winter covered this land.Copy !req
15. - Through the Kingdom of Mercia.
- Where did you get the coconuts?Copy !req
16. We found them.Copy !req
17. Found them? In Mercia?
The coconut is tropical.Copy !req
18. - What do you mean?
- Well, this is a temperate zone.Copy !req
19. The swallow may fly south with the sun,
or the house martin or the ploverCopy !req
20. may seek warmer climes in winter,
yet these are not strangers to our land.Copy !req
21. - Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- Not at all. They could be carried.Copy !req
22. - What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
- It could grip it by the husk.Copy !req
23. It's not a question of where he grips it.
It's a simple question of weight ratio.Copy !req
24. A five-ounce bird could not carry
a one-pound coconut.Copy !req
25. It doesn't matter. Go tell your master
that Arthur from Camelot is here.Copy !req
26. In order to maintain air-speed velocity,Copy !req
27. a swallow needs to beat its wings
43 times every second, right?Copy !req
28. - Please!
- Am I right?Copy !req
29. - I'm not interested.
- It could be carried by an African swallow.Copy !req
30. Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe.
Not a European swallow. That's my point.Copy !req
31. I agree with that.Copy !req
32. Will you ask your master
if he wants to join my court at Camelot?Copy !req
33. But then, of course,
African swallows are non-migratory.Copy !req
34. - Oh, yes.
- They couldn't bring a coconut, anyway.Copy !req
35. Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows
carried it together?Copy !req
36. - No, they'd have to have it on a line.
- Simple. They'd use a strand of creeper.Copy !req
37. - Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
- Why not?Copy !req
38. Bring out your dead!Copy !req
39. Ninepence.Copy !req
40. - Bring out your dead.
- Here's one.Copy !req
41. Ninepence.Copy !req
42. - I'm not dead!
- What?Copy !req
43. - Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
- I'm not dead!Copy !req
44. - He says he's not dead.
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
45. - I'm not!
- He isn't?Copy !req
46. - He will be soon. He's very ill.
- I'm getting better!Copy !req
47. You'll be stone dead in a moment.Copy !req
48. I can't take him like that.
It's against regulations.Copy !req
49. - I don't want to go on the cart.
- Don't be such a baby.Copy !req
50. - I can't take him.
- I feel fine.Copy !req
51. - Well, do us a favor.
- I can't.Copy !req
52. Can you hang around a few minutes?
He won't be long.Copy !req
53. Got to go to the Robinsons'.
They've lost nine today.Copy !req
54. - When's your next round?
- Thursday.Copy !req
55. - I think I'll go for a walk.
- You're not fooling anyone, you know.Copy !req
56. - Isn't there something you can do?
- I feel happy.Copy !req
57. - Thanks very much.
- Not at all. See you on Thursday.Copy !req
58. Right.Copy !req
59. - Who's that, then?
- I don't know. Must be a king.Copy !req
60. - Why?
- He hasn't got shit all over him.Copy !req
61. - Old woman!
- Man!Copy !req
62. Man. Sorry.
What knight lives in that castle over there?Copy !req
63. - I'm 37.
- What?Copy !req
64. - I'm 37. I'm not old.
- I can't just call you "man."Copy !req
65. - You could say "Dennis."
- I didn't know you were called Dennis.Copy !req
66. You didn't bother to find out.Copy !req
67. I did say sorry about the "old woman,"
but from behind...Copy !req
68. What I object to
is that you treat me like an inferior.Copy !req
69. - Well, I am king.
- King? Very nice.Copy !req
70. How did you get that?
By exploiting the workers!Copy !req
71. By hanging on to outdated
imperialist dogma which perpetuatesCopy !req
72. the economic and social differences
in our society!Copy !req
73. - If there's ever going to be any progress...
- There's some lovely filth down here.Copy !req
74. How do you do?Copy !req
75. How do you do, good lady?
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
76. - Whose castle is that?
- King of the who?Copy !req
77. - The Britons.
- Who are the Britons?Copy !req
78. We all are. We're all Britons.
And I am your king.Copy !req
79. Didn't know we had a king. I thought
we were an autonomous collective.Copy !req
80. You're fooling yourself.
We're living in a dictatorship.Copy !req
81. A self-perpetuating autocracy
in which the working class...Copy !req
82. There you go. Bringing class into it again.Copy !req
83. - That's what it's all about. If only people...
- Please, good people. I am in haste.Copy !req
84. Who lives in that castle?Copy !req
85. - No one lives there.
- Who is your lord?Copy !req
86. - We don't have a lord.
- What?Copy !req
87. I told you.
We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.Copy !req
88. We take turns to act as
a sort of executive officer for the week.Copy !req
89. - Yes.
- But all the decisions of that officerCopy !req
90. - are ratified at a biweekly meeting.
- Yes, I see.Copy !req
91. - By a majority in the case of internal affairs.
- Be quiet!Copy !req
92. - By a two-thirds majority in the case of...
- Be quiet! I order you to be quiet.Copy !req
93. "Order." Who does he think he is?Copy !req
94. - I am your king!
- I didn't vote for you.Copy !req
95. - You don't vote for kings.
- How did you become king then?Copy !req
96. The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad
in the purest shimmering samite,Copy !req
97. held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water,Copy !req
98. signifying, by divine providence,
that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.Copy !req
99. That is why I'm your king!Copy !req
100. Listen. Strange women lying in ponds,
distributing swords, is no basisCopy !req
101. for a system of government.
Supreme executive powerCopy !req
102. derives from a mandate from the masses.
Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.Copy !req
103. Be quiet!Copy !req
104. You can't expect to wield
supreme executive powerCopy !req
105. 'cause some watery tart
threw a sword at you.Copy !req
106. - Shut up!
- If I went around saying I was an emperorCopy !req
107. because some moistened bint had lobbed
a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!Copy !req
108. - Will you shut up?
- See the violence inherent in the system.Copy !req
109. - Shut up!
- See the violence inherent in the system!Copy !req
110. - Help, I'm being repressed!
- Bloody peasant!Copy !req
111. What a giveaway. Did you hear that?Copy !req
112. That's what I'm on about.
Did you see him repressing me?Copy !req
113. You fight with the strength of many men,
Sir Knight.Copy !req
114. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
115. I seek the finest and bravest knights
in the land to join me in Camelot.Copy !req
116. You have proved yourself worthy.
Will you join me?Copy !req
117. You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.Copy !req
118. None shall pass.Copy !req
119. - What?
- None shall pass.Copy !req
120. I have no quarrel with you, good
Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.Copy !req
121. Then you shall die.Copy !req
122. I command you, as King of the Britons,
to stand aside.Copy !req
123. I move for no man.Copy !req
124. So be it!Copy !req
125. Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.Copy !req
126. - 'Tis but a scratch.
- "A scratch"? Your arm's off.Copy !req
127. - No, it isn't.
- Well, what's that, then?Copy !req
128. - I've had worse.
- You liar.Copy !req
129. Come on, you pansy!Copy !req
130. Victory is mine.Copy !req
131. We thank thee, Lord, that in thy...Copy !req
132. - Come on, then.
- What?Copy !req
133. Have at you.Copy !req
134. You are brave, Sir Knight,
but the fight is mine.Copy !req
135. Had enough, eh?Copy !req
136. Look, you stupid bastard.
You've got no arms left.Copy !req
137. - Yes, I have.
- Look!Copy !req
138. Just a flesh wound.Copy !req
139. - Look, stop that.
- Chicken!Copy !req
140. I'll have your leg. Right!Copy !req
141. - Right! I'll do you for that.
- You'll what?Copy !req
142. - Come here.
- What are you going to do? Bleed on me?Copy !req
143. - I am invincible!
- You're a loony.Copy !req
144. The Black Knight always triumphs.
Have at you!Copy !req
145. Come on, then.Copy !req
146. All right, we'll call it a draw.Copy !req
147. - Come, Patsy.
- Oh, I see.Copy !req
148. Running away? You yellow bastard!Copy !req
149. Come back here and take what's coming
to you! I'll bite your legs off!Copy !req
150. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
151. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
152. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
153. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
154. - A witch!
- We found a witch.Copy !req
155. - We got a witch.
- We found a witch.Copy !req
156. We've got a witch.Copy !req
157. Burn her!Copy !req
158. - We have found a witch. May we burn her?
- Burn her!Copy !req
159. - How do you know she is a witch?
- She looks like one.Copy !req
160. Bring her forward.Copy !req
161. - I am not a witch.
- But you are dressed as one.Copy !req
162. - They dressed me up like this.
- We didn't!Copy !req
163. And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.Copy !req
164. - Well?
- Well, we did do the nose.Copy !req
165. - The nose?
- And the hat. But she is a witch.Copy !req
166. Burn her!Copy !req
167. - Did you dress her up like this?
- No. Yes.Copy !req
168. Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.Copy !req
169. - What makes you think she is a witch?
- Well, she turned me into a newt.Copy !req
170. A newt?Copy !req
171. I got better.Copy !req
172. - Burn her anyway.
- Burn her!Copy !req
173. Quiet! There are ways of telling
whether she is a witch.Copy !req
174. - Are there? What are they? Tell us.
- Do they hurt?Copy !req
175. Tell me, what do you do with witches?Copy !req
176. Burn them!Copy !req
177. - What do you burn apart from witches?
- More witches!Copy !req
178. - Wood.
- So, why do witches burn?Copy !req
179. - 'Cause they're made of wood?
- Good.Copy !req
180. So, how do we tell
whether she is made of wood?Copy !req
181. - Build a bridge out of her.
- Can you not also make bridges of stone?Copy !req
182. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
183. Does wood sink in water?Copy !req
184. - No.
- It floats.Copy !req
185. Throw her into the pond!Copy !req
186. - What also floats in water?
- Bread.Copy !req
187. - Apples.
- Very small rocks.Copy !req
188. - Cider. Cherries.
- Gravy. Mud.Copy !req
189. - Churches.
- Lead.Copy !req
190. A duck!Copy !req
191. Exactly.Copy !req
192. So, logically...Copy !req
193. If sheCopy !req
194. weighs the same as a duck...Copy !req
195. She's made of wood.Copy !req
196. And, therefore...Copy !req
197. - A witch!
- A witch!Copy !req
198. We shall use my largest scales.Copy !req
199. Right. Remove the supports!Copy !req
200. - A witch!
- A witch!Copy !req
201. - It's a fair cop.
- Burn her!Copy !req
202. Who are you,
who are so wise in the ways of science?Copy !req
203. - I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
- My liege.Copy !req
204. Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?Copy !req
205. My liege, I would be honored.Copy !req
206. - What is your name?
- Bedevere, my liege.Copy !req
207. Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,Copy !req
208. knight of the Round Table.Copy !req
209. The wise Sir Bedevere was the first
to join King Arthur's knights.Copy !req
210. But other illustrious names
were soon to follow.Copy !req
211. Sir Lancelot the Brave.Copy !req
212. Sir Galahad the Pure.Copy !req
213. And Sir Robin,
the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,Copy !req
214. who had nearly fought
the Dragon of Angnor,Copy !req
215. who had nearly stood up to
the vicious Chicken of Bristol,Copy !req
216. and who had personally wet himself
at the Battle of Badon Hill.Copy !req
217. And the aptly named
Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.Copy !req
218. Together they formed a bandCopy !req
219. whose names and deeds
were to be retold throughout the centuries.Copy !req
220. The Knights of the Round Table.Copy !req
221. That, my liege, is how we know
the Earth to be banana-shaped.Copy !req
222. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.Copy !req
223. Explain again how sheep's bladders
may be employed to prevent earthquakes.Copy !req
224. - Certainly, sir.
- Look, my liege.Copy !req
225. - Camelot.
- Camelot.Copy !req
226. - Camelot.
- It's only a model.Copy !req
227. Knights, I bid you welcome
to your new home.Copy !req
228. Let us ride to Camelot!Copy !req
229. We're knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're ableCopy !req
230. We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccableCopy !req
231. We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lotCopy !req
232. We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidableCopy !req
233. But many times
We're given rhymesCopy !req
234. That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in CamelotCopy !req
235. We sing from the diaphragm a lotCopy !req
236. In war we're tough and ableCopy !req
237. Quite indefatigableCopy !req
238. Between our quests
We sequin vestsCopy !req
239. And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in CamelotCopy !req
240. I have to push the pram a lotCopy !req
241. No, on second thoughts,
let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.Copy !req
242. Right.Copy !req
243. Arthur.Copy !req
244. King of the Britons.Copy !req
245. Don't grovel. If there's one thing
I can't stand, it's people groveling.Copy !req
246. - Sorry.
- And don't apologize.Copy !req
247. Every time I talk to someone it's
"sorry this," and, "forgive me that,"Copy !req
248. and, "I'm not worthy."Copy !req
249. - What are you doing now?
- I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.Copy !req
250. Don't. It's like those miserable psalms.
They're so depressing.Copy !req
251. - Now, knock it off!
- Yes, Lord.Copy !req
252. Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
253. Your knights of the Round Table
shall have a taskCopy !req
254. to make them an example
in these dark times.Copy !req
255. - Good idea, O Lord!
- Course it's a good idea.Copy !req
256. Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.Copy !req
257. Look well, Arthur,
for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.Copy !req
258. That is your purpose, Arthur.Copy !req
259. The quest for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
260. - A blessing from the Lord.
- God be praised!Copy !req
261. Halt!Copy !req
262. Hello!Copy !req
263. Hello. Who is it?Copy !req
264. It is King Arthur, and these are
my knights of the Round Table.Copy !req
265. Whose castle is this?Copy !req
266. This is the castle of my master,
Guy de Loimbard.Copy !req
267. Go and tell your master
that we have been charged by GodCopy !req
268. with a sacred quest. If he will give us
food and shelter for the night,Copy !req
269. he can join us in our quest
for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
270. Well, I'll ask him,
but I don't think he'll be very keen.Copy !req
271. He's already got one, you see.Copy !req
272. - What?
- He says they've already got one!Copy !req
273. - Are you sure he's got one?
- Oh, yes. It's very nice.Copy !req
274. I told him we've already got one.Copy !req
275. - Can we come up and have a look?
- Of course not! You are English-types.Copy !req
276. - Well, what are you then?
- I'm French.Copy !req
277. Why do you think I have
this outrageous accent, you silly king?Copy !req
278. - What are you doing in England?
- Mind your own business.Copy !req
279. If you will not show us the Grail,
we shall take your castle by force.Copy !req
280. You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!Copy !req
281. Go and boil your bottoms,
sons of a silly person.Copy !req
282. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur King.Copy !req
283. You and all your silly English knights.Copy !req
284. - What a strange person.
- Now look here, my good man...Copy !req
285. I don't want to talk to you no more,Copy !req
286. you empty-headed,
animal food-trough wiper.Copy !req
287. I fart in your general direction.Copy !req
288. Your mother was a hamster,
and your father smelt of elderberries.Copy !req
289. Is there someone else up there
we could talk to?Copy !req
290. No. Now go away,
or I shall taunt you a second time.Copy !req
291. Now, this is your last chance.
I've been more than reasonable...Copy !req
292. - Fetchez la vache!
- Quoi?Copy !req
293. Fetchez la vache!Copy !req
294. If you do not agree to my commands,
then I shall...Copy !req
295. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
296. Crikey!Copy !req
297. Right! Charge!Copy !req
298. Run away! Run away!Copy !req
299. - Fiends! I'll tear them apart.
- No, no.Copy !req
300. Sir, I have a plan, sir.Copy !req
301. - Un cadeau.
- What?Copy !req
302. - A present.
- Un cadeau.Copy !req
303. Oui, allons-y. Let's go.Copy !req
304. What happens now?Copy !req
305. Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad,
and I wait until nightfall,Copy !req
306. and then leap out of the rabbit,
taking the French by surprise.Copy !req
307. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!Copy !req
308. Who leaps out?Copy !req
309. Lancelot, Galahad, and ICopy !req
310. leap out of the rabbit.Copy !req
311. Look. If we built this large,
wooden badger...Copy !req
312. Run away!Copy !req
313. - History for Schools. Take 8.
- Action!Copy !req
314. Defeat at the castle seems to have
utterly disheartened King Arthur.Copy !req
315. The ferocity of the French taunting
took him completely by surprise.Copy !req
316. Arthur became convinced
that a new strategy was requiredCopy !req
317. if the quest for the Holy Grail were
to be brought to a successful conclusion.Copy !req
318. Arthur, having consulted
his closest knightsCopy !req
319. decided that they should separate,
and search for the Grail individually.Copy !req
320. Now, this is what they did...Copy !req
321. Frank!Copy !req
322. So, each of the knights
went their separate ways.Copy !req
323. Sir Robin rode north,
through the dark forest of Ewing,Copy !req
324. accompanied by his favorite minstrels.Copy !req
325. Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from CamelotCopy !req
326. He was not afraid to die
O, Brave Sir RobinCopy !req
327. He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty waysCopy !req
328. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir RobinCopy !req
329. He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulpCopy !req
330. Or to have his eyes gouged out
And his elbows brokenCopy !req
331. To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned awayCopy !req
332. And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir RobinCopy !req
333. His head smashed in
And his heart cut outCopy !req
334. His liver removed
And his bowels unpluggedCopy !req
335. His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off
And his penis...Copy !req
336. That's enough music for now, lads.Copy !req
337. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.Copy !req
338. Anarcho-syndicalism
is a way of preserving freedom.Copy !req
339. Dennis, forget about freedom.
Don't drop that mud.Copy !req
340. Halt! Who art thou?Copy !req
341. He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...Copy !req
342. Shut up!Copy !req
343. Nobody, really. I was just passing through.Copy !req
344. What do you want?Copy !req
345. To fight and...Copy !req
346. Shut up!Copy !req
347. Nothing. Nothing, really.Copy !req
348. - Just to pass through, good Sir Knight.
- I'm afraid not.Copy !req
349. - Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table.
- You're a knight of the Round Table?Copy !req
350. I am.Copy !req
351. - In that case, I have to kill you.
- Shall I?Copy !req
352. - I don't think so.
- What do I think?Copy !req
353. - Kill him.
- Let's be nice to him.Copy !req
354. - Shut up.
- But...Copy !req
355. And you!Copy !req
356. Get the sword out.
I want to cut his head off!Copy !req
357. - Cut your own head off.
- Yes, do us all a favor.Copy !req
358. - What?
- Yapping on all the time.Copy !req
359. - You're lucky you're not next to him.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
360. - You snore.
- I don't.Copy !req
361. - You've got bad breath.
- Only because you don't brush my teeth.Copy !req
362. Stop bitching, and let's go and have tea!Copy !req
363. All right! We'll kill him first,
and then have tea and biscuits.Copy !req
364. - Yes.
- Not biscuits.Copy !req
365. All right! Not biscuits.
But let's kill him anyway.Copy !req
366. Right.Copy !req
367. - He's buggered off!
- So he has! He's scarpered.Copy !req
368. Brave Sir Robin ran awayCopy !req
369. No!Copy !req
370. Bravely ran away, awayCopy !req
371. I didn't.Copy !req
372. When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fledCopy !req
373. Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened outCopy !req
374. Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreatCopy !req
375. Bravest of the brave, Sir RobinCopy !req
376. I never!Copy !req
377. Pie Jesu DomineCopy !req
378. Dona eis requiemCopy !req
379. Open the door.Copy !req
380. In the name of King Arthur, open the door!Copy !req
381. Hello!Copy !req
382. Welcome, gentle Sir Knight.
Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.Copy !req
383. - The Castle Anthrax?
- Yes.Copy !req
384. It's not a very good name, is it?Copy !req
385. But we are nice, and we will attend
to your every, every need!Copy !req
386. You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?Copy !req
387. - The what?
- The Grail. It is here?Copy !req
388. But you are tired, and you must rest awhile.Copy !req
389. Midget! Crapper!Copy !req
390. - Yes, O Zoot?
- Prepare a bed for our guest.Copy !req
391. - Thank you, Zoot.
- Thank you.Copy !req
392. Away, away, varletesses!Copy !req
393. The beds here are warm and soft,
and very, very big.Copy !req
394. - Look, I...
- What is your name, handsome knight?Copy !req
395. Sir Galahad the Chaste.Copy !req
396. Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.Copy !req
397. - But come.
- Please, in God's name, show me the Grail.Copy !req
398. You have suffered much. You are delirious.Copy !req
399. - Look, I have seen it. It is here.
- Sir Galahad!Copy !req
400. You would not be so ungallant
as to refuse our hospitality.Copy !req
401. I'm afraid our life must seem very dull
and quiet, compared to yours.Copy !req
402. We're eight score blondes and brunettes,
all between 16 and 19 and a half,Copy !req
403. cut off in this castle,
with no one to protect us.Copy !req
404. It is a lonely life.Copy !req
405. Bathing, dressing, undressing,
making exciting underwear.Copy !req
406. We are just not used to handsome knights.Copy !req
407. Nay. Come. You may lie here.Copy !req
408. - But you are wounded!
- No, it's nothing!Copy !req
409. You must see the doctors immediately.
Please, lie down.Copy !req
410. - Well, what seems to be the trouble?
- They're doctors?Copy !req
411. They have a basic medical training.Copy !req
412. Come, come, you must try to rest.Copy !req
413. Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art.Copy !req
414. - Try to relax.
- Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?Copy !req
415. We must examine you.Copy !req
416. - There's nothing wrong with that.
- Please. We are doctors.Copy !req
417. Look, this cannot be.Copy !req
418. - I am sworn to chastity!
- Back to your bed!Copy !req
419. Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail.Copy !req
420. - There's no Grail here.
- I have seen it.Copy !req
421. - I have seen...
- Hello.Copy !req
422. Hello.Copy !req
423. - Zoot!
- I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.Copy !req
424. - Where are you going?
- I seek the Grail.Copy !req
425. I have seen it here in this castle!Copy !req
426. Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot!Copy !req
427. - What is it?
- Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!Copy !req
428. She has been setting light to our beacon,
which is Grail-shaped.Copy !req
429. It's not the first time
we've had this problem.Copy !req
430. It's not the real Grail?Copy !req
431. Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot.Copy !req
432. She is a bad person,
and must pay the penalty.Copy !req
433. Do you think this scene
should have been cut?Copy !req
434. We were so worried
when the boys were writing it.Copy !req
435. But now we're glad. It's better
than some previous scenes, I think.Copy !req
436. Ours was better visually.Copy !req
437. Ours was committed.
It wasn't a string of pussy jokes.Copy !req
438. - Get on with it.
- Yes. Get on with it!Copy !req
439. Get on with it!Copy !req
440. - I am enjoying this scene.
- Get on with it!Copy !req
441. Wicked, wicked Zoot!Copy !req
442. She must pay the penalty.Copy !req
443. In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment
for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon.Copy !req
444. You must tie her down on a bed,
and spank her.Copy !req
445. A spanking! A spanking!Copy !req
446. You must spank her, and after you've
spanked her, deal with her as you like.Copy !req
447. - And, then, spank me.
- And me!Copy !req
448. - And me.
- And me.Copy !req
449. Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!Copy !req
450. A spanking!Copy !req
451. - And, after the spanking, the oral sex.
- The oral sex!Copy !req
452. Well, I could stay a bit longer.Copy !req
453. - Sir Galahad!
- Hello.Copy !req
454. - Quick! You are in great peril.
- Why?Copy !req
455. - No, he isn't!
- Silence, foul temptress!Copy !req
456. - She's got a point.
- We'll cover your escape!Copy !req
457. - Look, I'm fine!
- Wait, Sir Galahad!Copy !req
458. - I can tackle this lot single-handed!
- Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!Copy !req
459. No, Sir Galahad. Come!Copy !req
460. Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!Copy !req
461. - Yes, let him handle us easily.
- Go! Quick!Copy !req
462. Wait! Please! I can defeat them!
There's only 150 of them!Copy !req
463. He'll beat us easily. We haven't a chance.Copy !req
464. Oh, shit!Copy !req
465. - You were in great peril.
- I don't think I was.Copy !req
466. You were in terrible peril.Copy !req
467. - Let me go back, and face the peril.
- No, it's too perilous.Copy !req
468. It's my duty to sample as much peril
as I can.Copy !req
469. We've got to find the Holy Grail.Copy !req
470. - Let me have just a bit of peril?
- No. It's unhealthy.Copy !req
471. - I bet you're gay.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
472. Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad
from almost certain temptation.Copy !req
473. But, they were still no nearer the Grail.Copy !req
474. King Arthur and Sir Bedevere,
not more than a swallow's flight away,Copy !req
475. had discovered something.Copy !req
476. That's an unladen swallow's flight,
obviously.Copy !req
477. They were more than
two laden swallow's flights away.Copy !req
478. Four, with a coconut
on a line between them.Copy !req
479. If the birds were...Copy !req
480. Get on with it!Copy !req
481. Oh, anyway,Copy !req
482. on to Scene 24, which is a smashing
scene, with some lovely acting,Copy !req
483. in which Arthur discovers a vital clue.Copy !req
484. There aren't any swallows,
but I think you can hear a...Copy !req
485. And this enchanter of whom you speak,
he has seen the Grail?Copy !req
486. Where does he live?Copy !req
487. Old man, where does he live?Copy !req
488. He knows of a cave.
A cave which no man has entered.Copy !req
489. - And the Grail. The Grail is there?
- There is much danger.Copy !req
490. For beyond the cave
lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,Copy !req
491. which no man has ever crossed.Copy !req
492. But the Grail. Where is the Grail?Copy !req
493. Seek you the Bridge of Death.Copy !req
494. The Bridge of Death?
Which leads to the Grail?Copy !req
495. - Who are you?
- We are the knights who say "Ni"!Copy !req
496. - No! Not the knights who say "Ni"?
- The same!Copy !req
497. - Who are they?
- We are the keepers of the sacred words.Copy !req
498. "Ni,"Peng," and "Neee Wom"!Copy !req
499. Those who hear them
seldom live to tell the tale.Copy !req
500. The knights who say "Ni"
demand a sacrifice.Copy !req
501. Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelersCopy !req
502. who seek the enchanter
who lives beyond these woods.Copy !req
503. Ni! Ni!Copy !req
504. We shall say "Ni" again to you,
if you do not appease us.Copy !req
505. - What is it you want?
- We wantCopy !req
506. a shrubbery.Copy !req
507. A what?Copy !req
508. - Ni! Ni!
- Please! No more!Copy !req
509. - We will find you a shrubbery.
- You must return with a shrubbery,Copy !req
510. or else you will never pass
through this woodCopy !req
511. alive.Copy !req
512. Knights of Ni, you are just and fair.Copy !req
513. - We will return with a shrubbery.
- One that looks nice.Copy !req
514. - Of course.
- And not too expensive.Copy !req
515. - Yes.
- Now go!Copy !req
516. Stop that! Stop that!Copy !req
517. Go on, clear off! Go away.Copy !req
518. And you, clear off!Copy !req
519. Bloody weather.Copy !req
520. The tale of Sir Lancelot.Copy !req
521. One day, lad, all this will be yours.Copy !req
522. - What, the curtains?
- No, not the curtains.Copy !req
523. All that you can see,
stretched out over the hills and valleys.Copy !req
524. That'll be your kingdom, lad.Copy !req
525. - But, Mother.
- Father, lad.Copy !req
526. - But, Father, I don't want any of that.
- Listen, lad.Copy !req
527. I built this kingdom up from nothing.
When I started here, it was a swamp.Copy !req
528. Other kings said I was daft
to build a castle on the swamp.Copy !req
529. But I built it all the same to show them.Copy !req
530. It sank into the swamp.Copy !req
531. So, I built a second one.
That sank into the swamp.Copy !req
532. So, I built a third one. That burned down,
fell over, then sank in the swamp.Copy !req
533. But the fourth one stayed up.Copy !req
534. And that's what you'll get, lad.Copy !req
535. - The strongest castle in these isles.
- But I don't want any of that.Copy !req
536. - I'd rather...
- Rather what?Copy !req
537. I'd rather justCopy !req
538. - sing.
- Stop that.Copy !req
539. You're not going into a song while I'm here!Copy !req
540. In 20 minutes, you're marrying a girlCopy !req
541. whose father owns
the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.Copy !req
542. - But I don't want land.
- Listen, Alice.Copy !req
543. - Herbert.
- Herbert.Copy !req
544. We live on a bloody swamp,
we need all the land we can get.Copy !req
545. - But I don't like her.
- Don't like her?Copy !req
546. What's wrong with her?Copy !req
547. She's beautiful, she's rich. She's got hugeCopy !req
548. tracts of land.Copy !req
549. I know, but I want the girl
that I marry to haveCopy !req
550. a certain special something.Copy !req
551. Cut that out!Copy !req
552. You're marrying Princess Lucky,
so you'd better get used to the idea!Copy !req
553. Guards!Copy !req
554. Make sure the Prince doesn't leave
the room until I get him.Copy !req
555. Not to leave the room,
even if you come and get him.Copy !req
556. No. Until I come and get him.Copy !req
557. Until you come and get him,
we're not to enter the room.Copy !req
558. No, you stay in the room
and make sure he doesn't leave.Copy !req
559. - And you'll come and get him.
- Right.Copy !req
560. We don't need to do anything,
apart from stop him entering the room.Copy !req
561. - No. Leaving the room.
- Leaving the room, yes.Copy !req
562. - All right?
- Right. If...Copy !req
563. - lf we're...
- Yes?Copy !req
564. Look, it's quite simple.Copy !req
565. You stay here and make sure
he doesn't leave the room.Copy !req
566. - All right?
- I remember.Copy !req
567. Can he leave the room with us?Copy !req
568. No, you just keep him in here,
and make sure...Copy !req
569. Yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously.Copy !req
570. - But if he had to leave...
- No. Keep him in here!Copy !req
571. - Until you, or anyone...
- Not anyone, just me.Copy !req
572. - Just you...
- Get back.Copy !req
573. - Right?
- Right.Copy !req
574. We'll stay here until you get back.Copy !req
575. - And make sure he doesn't leave.
- What?Copy !req
576. - Make sure he doesn't leave.
- The Prince?Copy !req
577. - Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
- Yes, of course!Copy !req
578. I thought you meant him!Copy !req
579. It seemed a bit daft
me having to guard him when he's a guard.Copy !req
580. - Is that clear?
- Quite clear. No problems.Copy !req
581. Right.Copy !req
582. - Where are you going?
- We're coming with you.Copy !req
583. No, I want you to stay here,
and make sure he doesn't leave.Copy !req
584. I see, right.Copy !req
585. - But, Father...
- Shut it, and get that suit on.Copy !req
586. And no singing!Copy !req
587. Go and get a glass of water.Copy !req
588. - Well taken, Concorde!
- Thank you, sir, most kind.Copy !req
589. And again!Copy !req
590. Over we go! Good, steady!Copy !req
591. Now, the big one!Copy !req
592. Come on, Concorde!Copy !req
593. Message for you, sir.Copy !req
594. Concorde, speak to me!Copy !req
595. "To whoever finds this note.Copy !req
596. "I have been imprisoned by my father,Copy !req
597. "who wishes me to marry against my will.Copy !req
598. "Please, please come and rescue me.Copy !req
599. "I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."Copy !req
600. At last! A call! A cry of distress!Copy !req
601. This could be the sign
that leads us to the Holy Grail!Copy !req
602. Brave Concorde,
you shall not have died in vain!Copy !req
603. I'm not quite dead, sir.Copy !req
604. You shall not have been mortally wounded
in vain!Copy !req
605. I think I could pull through, sir.Copy !req
606. - I see.
- I think I'm all right to come with you.Copy !req
607. No, sweet Concorde! Stay here.Copy !req
608. I will send help as soon as
I have accomplished a daring andCopy !req
609. heroic rescue in my own particular...Copy !req
610. - Idiom, sir?
- Idiom!Copy !req
611. - No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
- Farewell, sweet Concorde!Copy !req
612. I'll just stay here, shall I, sir?Copy !req
613. Yeah.Copy !req
614. - Morning.
- Morning.Copy !req
615. Hey!Copy !req
616. You're not allowed to enter the room...Copy !req
617. Fair one, behold your humble servant,
Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Copy !req
618. - I have come to take... I'm terribly sorry.
- You got my note!Copy !req
619. - I got a note.
- You've come to rescue me?Copy !req
620. - Well, no, you see...
- I knew someone would.Copy !req
621. I knew that somewhere out there,
there must be someone...Copy !req
622. Stop that! Stop it!Copy !req
623. Who are you?Copy !req
624. - I'm your son.
- No, not you.Copy !req
625. - I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
- He's come to rescue me, Father.Copy !req
626. - Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Did you kill all those guards?Copy !req
627. Yes. Sorry.Copy !req
628. - They cost 50 pounds each.
- I'm awfully sorry.Copy !req
629. Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot.
I've got a rope ready.Copy !req
630. You killed eight wedding guests and all!Copy !req
631. Well, you see,
I thought your son was a lady.Copy !req
632. I can understand that.Copy !req
633. - Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
- Shut up!Copy !req
634. - You only killed the bride's father!
- I didn't mean to.Copy !req
635. Didn't mean to?
You put your sword through his head!Copy !req
636. - Oh dear, is he all right?
- You kicked the bride in the chest!Copy !req
637. - It's going to cost me a fortune!
- I can explain.Copy !req
638. I was in the forest, riding north
from Camelot, when I got this note.Copy !req
639. - Are you from Camelot?
- Hurry, Sir Lancelot!Copy !req
640. I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir.Copy !req
641. Very nice castle, Camelot.
Very good pig country.Copy !req
642. - Is it?
- I am ready!Copy !req
643. - Would you like to come have a drink?
- That's awfully nice of you.Copy !req
644. - I am ready!
- I mean, to be so understanding.Copy !req
645. You see, when I'm in this idiom,
I sometimes get a bit carried away.Copy !req
646. Now, this is the main hall.
We'll have all this knocked through...Copy !req
647. - There he is!
- Bloody hell.Copy !req
648. - Hold it, please!
- See what I mean? I get carried away.Copy !req
649. I'm really most awfully sorry.
Sorry, everyone.Copy !req
650. He's killed the best man!Copy !req
651. Hold it, please, hold it.
This is Sir LancelotCopy !req
652. from the Court of Camelot,
a brave and influential knight.Copy !req
653. - And my special guest here today.
- Hello.Copy !req
654. He killed my auntie!Copy !req
655. No, please!
This is supposed to be a happy occasion!Copy !req
656. Let's not bicker and argue
about who killed who.Copy !req
657. We are here today to witness the union
of two young peopleCopy !req
658. in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.Copy !req
659. Unfortunately, one of them,
my son Herbert,Copy !req
660. has just fallen to his death.Copy !req
661. But I don't want to think I've lost a son,
so much asCopy !req
662. gained a daughter.Copy !req
663. For, since the tragic death of her father...Copy !req
664. He's not quite dead!Copy !req
665. Since the near fatal wounding of her father...Copy !req
666. He's getting better!Copy !req
667. For, since her own fatherCopy !req
668. who, when he seemed about to recover,Copy !req
669. suddenly felt the icy hand of death
upon him.Copy !req
670. He's died!Copy !req
671. I want his only daughter to look upon meCopy !req
672. as her own dad, in a very real,
and legally binding sense.Copy !req
673. And I feel sure that the merger,
the union between the PrincessCopy !req
674. and the brave but dangerous
Sir Lancelot of Camelot...Copy !req
675. - What?
- Look, the dead Prince!Copy !req
676. - He's not quite dead!
- I feel much better.Copy !req
677. You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!Copy !req
678. - No, I was saved at the last minute.
- How?Copy !req
679. I'll tell you.Copy !req
680. Not like that! Not like that.Copy !req
681. He's going to tell
He's going to tellCopy !req
682. Quickly, sir, come this way!Copy !req
683. No, it's not right for my idiom.
I must escape more...Copy !req
684. - Dramatically, sir?
- Dramatically.Copy !req
685. Excuse me,
could somebody give me a push, please?Copy !req
686. Old crone!Copy !req
687. Is there anywhere in this town
where we could buy a shrubbery?Copy !req
688. - Who sent you?
- The knights who say "Ni"!Copy !req
689. No! We have no shrubberies here.Copy !req
690. If you do not tell us where we can buy
a shrubbery, my friend and ICopy !req
691. will say...Copy !req
692. We will say "Ni."Copy !req
693. Do your worst!Copy !req
694. Very well.
If you will not assist us voluntarily...Copy !req
695. - Ni!
- No!Copy !req
696. Never. No shrubberies.Copy !req
697. - Ni!
- Noo!Copy !req
698. No, it's not that, it's "Ni."Copy !req
699. No, you're not doing it properly.Copy !req
700. - Ni.
- You've got it.Copy !req
701. - Ni!
- Ni!Copy !req
702. Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?Copy !req
703. Yes.Copy !req
704. What sad times are these when passing
ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies.Copy !req
705. There is a pestilence upon this land.
Nothing is sacred.Copy !req
706. Even those who arrange shrubberies
are under considerable economic stressCopy !req
707. at this period in history.Copy !req
708. - Did you say "shrubberies"?
- Yes.Copy !req
709. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber.Copy !req
710. My name is Roger the Shrubber.
I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.Copy !req
711. - Ni!
- No!Copy !req
712. Knights of Ni,
we have brought you your shrubbery.Copy !req
713. - May we go?
- It is a good shrubbery.Copy !req
714. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.Copy !req
715. What is that?Copy !req
716. We are now no longer
the knights who say "Ni."Copy !req
717. We are now the knights who say,Copy !req
718. "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing"!Copy !req
719. Therefore, we must give you a test.Copy !req
720. What is this test,
knights who until recently said "Ni"?Copy !req
721. Firstly, you must findCopy !req
722. another shrubbery!Copy !req
723. Not another shrubbery!Copy !req
724. Then you must bring it here
beside this shrubbery.Copy !req
725. Higher, so you get the two-level effect
with a path going down the middle.Copy !req
726. A path! A path!Copy !req
727. Then, when you have found
the shrubberies,Copy !req
728. you must cut down
the mightiest tree in the forestCopy !req
729. with a herring!Copy !req
730. - We shall do no such thing.
- Please.Copy !req
731. Cut down a tree with a herring?
It can't be done.Copy !req
732. - Don't say that word.
- What word?Copy !req
733. I cannot tell. Suffice to say,Copy !req
734. it's one of the words
the knights of Ni cannot hear.Copy !req
735. How can we not say the word
if you don't tell us what it is?Copy !req
736. - He did it again.
- What? "Is"?Copy !req
737. No, not "is"! You wouldn't get
very far in life not saying "is."Copy !req
738. My liege, it's Robin.Copy !req
739. He's jacking it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering offCopy !req
740. And chickening out and pissing a pot
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the spongeCopy !req
741. - Robin.
- My liege.Copy !req
742. - It's good to see you.
- Now he's said the word!Copy !req
743. You haven't given up your quest
for the Holy Grail?Copy !req
744. He is sneaking away and...Copy !req
745. Shut up!Copy !req
746. - No, far from it.
- You said the word again.Copy !req
747. I was looking for it here in this forest.Copy !req
748. - No, it is far from this place.
- Stop saying the word!Copy !req
749. - The word we cannot hear!
- Stop it!Copy !req
750. - He said "it" again!
- That's it!Copy !req
751. I've said "it." I've said "it."
I've said "it" again!Copy !req
752. That's three "its"!Copy !req
753. And so Arthur and Bedevere and
Sir Robin set out on their search to findCopy !req
754. the enchanter of whom
the old man had spoken in Scene 24.Copy !req
755. Beyond the forest
they met Lancelot and Galahad,Copy !req
756. and there was much rejoicing.Copy !req
757. In the frozen land of Nador,Copy !req
758. they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.Copy !req
759. And there was much rejoicing.Copy !req
760. A year passed.Copy !req
761. Winter changed into spring.Copy !req
762. Spring changed into summer.Copy !req
763. Summer changed back into winter,Copy !req
764. and winter gave spring and summer
a miss and went straight on into autumn.Copy !req
765. Until one day.Copy !req
766. Knights,Copy !req
767. forward!Copy !req
768. What manner of man are you
that can summon up fireCopy !req
769. - without flint or tinder?
- I am an enchanter.Copy !req
770. - By what name are you known?
- There are some who call me...Copy !req
771. - Tim.
- Greetings, Tim the enchanter!Copy !req
772. Greetings, King Arthur.Copy !req
773. - You know my name?
- I do.Copy !req
774. You seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
775. That is our quest.
You know much that is hidden, Tim.Copy !req
776. Quite.Copy !req
777. Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail.Copy !req
778. - Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
779. - And so we're looking for it.
- Yes, we are.Copy !req
780. - We have been for some time.
- Ages.Copy !req
781. So, anything you could do to help
would beCopy !req
782. veryCopy !req
783. - helpful.
- Look, can you tell us where...Copy !req
784. Fine, I don't want to waste
any more of your time,Copy !req
785. but I don't suppose you could tell us
where we might find a...Copy !req
786. A what?Copy !req
787. A grail?Copy !req
788. Yes, I think so.Copy !req
789. Yes.Copy !req
790. Yes!Copy !req
791. - Thank you.
- Splendid!Copy !req
792. Look, you're a busy man...Copy !req
793. Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.Copy !req
794. To the north, there lies a cave.
The Cave of Caerbannog.Copy !req
795. Wherein, carved in mystic runes,
upon the very living rock,Copy !req
796. the last words of Olfin Bedwere of RhegedCopy !req
797. make plain the last resting place
of the most Holy Grail.Copy !req
798. - Where could we find this cave, Tim?
- Follow!Copy !req
799. But follow only if ye be men of valor.Copy !req
800. For the entrance to this cave
is guarded by a creatureCopy !req
801. so foul, so cruel,Copy !req
802. that no man yet has fought with it and lived.Copy !req
803. Bones of full 50 men lie strewn
about its lair.Copy !req
804. So, brave knights,
if you do doubt your courageCopy !req
805. or your strength, come no further,Copy !req
806. for death awaits you all
with nasty, big, pointy teeth.Copy !req
807. What an eccentric performance!Copy !req
808. They're nervous, sire.Copy !req
809. Then we'd best leave them here
and carry on, on foot.Copy !req
810. Dismount!Copy !req
811. Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!Copy !req
812. - Right, keep me covered.
- What with?Copy !req
813. - Just keep me covered.
- Too late.Copy !req
814. There he is!Copy !req
815. - Where?
- There.Copy !req
816. - What, behind the rabbit?
- It is the rabbit.Copy !req
817. - You silly sod!
- What?Copy !req
818. You got us all worked up.Copy !req
819. That's no ordinary rabbit.Copy !req
820. That's the most foul, cruel and
bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.Copy !req
821. You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!Copy !req
822. Look, that rabbit's got
a vicious streak a mile wide.Copy !req
823. - It's a killer!
- Get stuffed.Copy !req
824. - He'll do you up a treat, mate!
- Yeah?Copy !req
825. - You manky Scots git!
- I'm warning you.Copy !req
826. - What's he do? Nibble your bum?
- He's got huge, sharp...Copy !req
827. It can leap about...Copy !req
828. - Look at the bones!
- Go on, Bors, chop its head off.Copy !req
829. Right. Silly little bleeder.
One rabbit stew coming right up.Copy !req
830. Look!Copy !req
831. - Jesus Christ!
- I warned you!Copy !req
832. - I've done it again.
- I warned you.Copy !req
833. But did you listen to me?
No, you knew it all, didn't you?Copy !req
834. It's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?
Well, it's always the same.Copy !req
835. - I always...
- Shut up!Copy !req
836. Charge!Copy !req
837. Run away!Copy !req
838. - How many did we lose?
- Gawain.Copy !req
839. - Ector.
- And Bors. That's five.Copy !req
840. - Three.
- Three.Copy !req
841. We better not risk another frontal assault,
that rabbit's dynamite.Copy !req
842. Would it help to confuse it
if we run away more?Copy !req
843. - Shut up and change your armor.
- Let us taunt it.Copy !req
844. It may become so cross
that it will make a mistake.Copy !req
845. Like what?Copy !req
846. Well...Copy !req
847. - Have we got bows?
- No.Copy !req
848. - We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
- Yes, of course!Copy !req
849. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.Copy !req
850. It's one of the sacred relics
Brother Maynard carries.Copy !req
851. Brother Maynard!
Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.Copy !req
852. How does it...Copy !req
853. How does it work?Copy !req
854. - I know not, my liege.
- Consult the Book of Armaments.Copy !req
855. Armaments 2:9-21.Copy !req
856. "And St. Attila raised the hand grenade
up on high, saying,Copy !req
857. "'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade,
that with it thou mayestCopy !req
858. "'blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'Copy !req
859. "And the Lord did grin
and the people did feast uponCopy !req
860. "the lambs and sloths and carp
and anchovies and orangutansCopy !req
861. "and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..."Copy !req
862. Skip a bit, Brother.Copy !req
863. "The Lord spake, saying,
'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin,Copy !req
864. "'then shalt thou count to three,
no more, no less.Copy !req
865. "'Three shalt be the number
thou shalt count,Copy !req
866. "'and the number
of the counting shalt be three.Copy !req
867. "'Four shalt thou not count,
neither count thou two,Copy !req
868. "'excepting that thou then proceed to three.Copy !req
869. "'Five is right out.Copy !req
870. "'Once the number three,
being the third number be reached,Copy !req
871. "'then lobbest thou
thy Holy Hand Grenade of AntiochCopy !req
872. "'towards thy foe,
who, being naughty in my sight,Copy !req
873. "'shall snuff it."'Copy !req
874. Amen.Copy !req
875. Right.Copy !req
876. One, two, five!Copy !req
877. - Three, sir!
- Three!Copy !req
878. There! Look!Copy !req
879. - What does it say?
- What language is that?Copy !req
880. Brother Maynard, you're our scholar.Copy !req
881. It is Aramaic!Copy !req
882. Of course. Joseph of Arimathea!Copy !req
883. - Of course.
- What does it say?Copy !req
884. It reads, "Here may be foundCopy !req
885. "the last words of Joseph of Arimathea.Copy !req
886. "'He who is valiant and pure of spiritCopy !req
887. "'may find the Holy GrailCopy !req
888. "'in the Castle of Aaargh."'Copy !req
889. What?Copy !req
890. "The Castle of Aaargh."Copy !req
891. What is that?Copy !req
892. He must have died while carving it.Copy !req
893. - Come on!
- That's what it says.Copy !req
894. Look, if he was dying,
he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh."Copy !req
895. - He'd just say it.
- That's what's carved in the rock.Copy !req
896. - Perhaps he was dictating it.
- Shut up!Copy !req
897. - Does it say anything else?
- No!Copy !req
898. Just "Aaargh."Copy !req
899. Aaargh.Copy !req
900. Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?Copy !req
901. - Where's that?
- In France, I think.Copy !req
902. - Isn't there a St. Aaargh's in Cornwall?
- No, that's St. Ives.Copy !req
903. St. Ives.Copy !req
904. No, "Aaargh." At the back of the throat.Copy !req
905. No, "Ooh," in surprise and alarm!Copy !req
906. - You mean a sort of an "Ah!"
- Yes, that's right.Copy !req
907. My God!Copy !req
908. It's the legendary Black Beast of...Copy !req
909. That's it! Run away!Copy !req
910. Keep running.Copy !req
911. We've lost him.Copy !req
912. As the horrendous Black Beast
lunged forward,Copy !req
913. escape for Arthur
and his knights seemed hopeless.Copy !req
914. When, suddenly, the animator
suffered a fatal heart attack.Copy !req
915. The cartoon peril was no more.Copy !req
916. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.Copy !req
917. There it is!Copy !req
918. - The Bridge of Death.
- Great.Copy !req
919. Look! There's the old man from Scene 24.Copy !req
920. - What's he doing here?
- He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.Copy !req
921. He asks each traveler five questions.Copy !req
922. - Three questions.
- Three questions.Copy !req
923. - He who answers the five questions...
- Three questions.Copy !req
924. three questions, may cross in safety.
- What if you get a question wrong?Copy !req
925. Then you are cast
into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.Copy !req
926. - Oh, wacko.
- Who's going to answer the questions?Copy !req
927. Brave Sir Robin, you go.Copy !req
928. I've got a great idea.Copy !req
929. Why doesn't Lancelot go?Copy !req
930. Yes, let me go, my liege.
I will take him single-handed.Copy !req
931. - I shall make a feint to the northeast...
- Hang on!Copy !req
932. - Just answer the five questions...
- Three questions.Copy !req
933. three questions, as best you can.
And we shall watch and pray.Copy !req
934. I understand, my liege.Copy !req
935. Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot.
God be with you.Copy !req
936. Stop!Copy !req
937. Who would cross the Bridge of Death,
must answer me these questions three.Copy !req
938. Ere the other side he see.Copy !req
939. Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper.
I'm not afraid.Copy !req
940. - What is your name?
- My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Copy !req
941. What is your quest?Copy !req
942. To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
943. What is your favorite color?Copy !req
944. - Blue.
- Right. Off you go.Copy !req
945. Well, thank you very much.Copy !req
946. That's easy.Copy !req
947. Stop.Copy !req
948. Who approacheth the Bridge of Death,
must answer me these questions three.Copy !req
949. Ere the other side he see.Copy !req
950. Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper.
I'm not afraid.Copy !req
951. - What is your name?
- Sir Robin of Camelot.Copy !req
952. - What is your quest?
- To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
953. What is the capital of Assyria?Copy !req
954. I don't know that!Copy !req
955. Stop!Copy !req
956. - What is your name?
- Sir Galahad of Camelot.Copy !req
957. - What is your quest?
- I seek the Grail.Copy !req
958. - What is your favorite color?
- Blue.Copy !req
959. No! Yellow!Copy !req
960. Stop!Copy !req
961. - What is your name?
- It is Arthur, King of the Britons.Copy !req
962. - What is your quest?
- To seek the Holy Grail.Copy !req
963. What is the air-speed velocity
of an unladen swallow?Copy !req
964. What do you mean?
An African or European swallow?Copy !req
965. I don't know that!Copy !req
966. How do you know so much about swallows?Copy !req
967. You have to know these things
when you're a king.Copy !req
968. Lancelot!Copy !req
969. The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end.Copy !req
970. God be praised.Copy !req
971. Almighty God,Copy !req
972. we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed
to us the most holy...Copy !req
973. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
974. Hello, stuffy English knightsCopy !req
975. and Monsieur Arthur King,
who has the brain of a duck, you know.Copy !req
976. So, we French fellows
outwit you a second time.Copy !req
977. How dare you profane this place
with your presence?Copy !req
978. I command you,
in the name of the knights of Camelot,Copy !req
979. to open the doors of this sacred castle,Copy !req
980. to which God himself has guided us.Copy !req
981. How you English say? One more time,
I unclog my nose in your direction,Copy !req
982. sons of a window-dresser!Copy !req
983. So, you think you could
out-clever us French folkCopy !req
984. with your silly knees-bent,
running about, advancing behavior.Copy !req
985. I wave my private parts at your aunties.Copy !req
986. You cheesy lot of second-hand,
electric donkey-bottom biters!Copy !req
987. In the name of the Lord,Copy !req
988. we demand entrance to this sacred castle!Copy !req
989. No chance, English bed-wetting types.Copy !req
990. I burst my pimples at you, and call your
door-opening request a silly thing!Copy !req
991. You tiny-brained wipers
of other people's bottoms.Copy !req
992. If you'll not open this door,
we shall take this castle by force!Copy !req
993. In the name of God and the glory of our...Copy !req
994. Right! That settles it!Copy !req
995. Depart at this time,
and don't be approaching any more,Copy !req
996. or we fire arrows into your heads,
and make castanets out of your testicles.Copy !req
997. Walk away, just ignore them.Copy !req
998. And now remain gone,
illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!Copy !req
999. And, if you think you got a nasty
taunting this time, you ain't heardCopy !req
1000. nothing yet, stuffy English knights!Copy !req
1001. - We shall attack at once.
- Yes, my liege.Copy !req
1002. Stand by for attack!Copy !req
1003. French persons!Copy !req
1004. Today the blood of many a valiant knight
shall be avenged.Copy !req
1005. In the name of God,
we shall not stop our fightCopy !req
1006. till each one of you lies dead,
and the Holy GrailCopy !req
1007. returns to those whom God has chosen.Copy !req
1008. Charge!Copy !req
1009. Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure.Copy !req
1010. - Come on.
- Put this man in the van.Copy !req
1011. - Put him in the van.
- Get a blanket over that one.Copy !req
1012. Come on, back! Right back!Copy !req
1013. That's an offensive weapon, that is.Copy !req
1014. All right, sonny, that's enough. Pack that in.Copy !req