1. They're fighting again!Copy !req
2. Oh, boy.Copy !req
3. Don't! Wait! Not my homework!Copy !req
4. No! Stop it! No!Copy !req
5. Problem, gentlemen?Copy !req
6. Hey, dork-brain!Copy !req
7. If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.Copy !req
8. You're calling me a girl?Copy !req
9. You called me one!Copy !req
10. You asked for it.Copy !req
11. Ow!Copy !req
12. Now get out of here!Copy !req
13. Forget those guys.Copy !req
14. They're jealous because you're
smart and funny.Copy !req
15. And girls like that.Copy !req
16. What girls?Copy !req
17. Lots of girls.Copy !req
18. I mean... I like you.Copy !req
19. I don't like you. Now everybody
thinks I need a girl to fight for me.Copy !req
20. You are a dork-brain.Copy !req
21. My nose!Copy !req
22. Wimp!Copy !req
23. Moe and Larry in the house.Copy !req
24. Grant, what have we got out back?Copy !req
25. All clear here, sir.Copy !req
26. Matthews, what do you got?Copy !req
27. Returnable cans, sir.Copy !req
28. I think I'm up to 75 cents.Copy !req
29. Hey, we got a cab.Copy !req
30. Here comes Curly.Copy !req
31. Yep, the Three Stooges.Copy !req
32. Check it out, lvan's packing.Copy !req
33. Thank you! We've got a briefcase.Copy !req
34. Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.Copy !req
35. No disc yet.Copy !req
36. Case is opening.Copy !req
37. This woman's ass is in the way.Copy !req
38. Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing.
We need to see the discs.Copy !req
39. This broad's got two asses!
Hart, do something!Copy !req
40. Excuse me.Copy !req
41. You wanting something else?Copy !req
42. Yeah. You know what?
I really love this borscht.Copy !req
43. Or, as they say in Russian:Copy !req
44. - All right, Hart. We got the discs.
- We're moving in!Copy !req
45. FBI! Get down on the ground! Now!Copy !req
46. - Get down on the ground!
- Do it!Copy !req
47. Keep your hands where I can see them!Copy !req
48. No English.Copy !req
49. Hart! Nobody moves until I see
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!Copy !req
50. Sir, he's turning purple!Copy !req
51. Hart, until we secure, you stay.Copy !req
52. - Sir.
- Hart!Copy !req
53. Sir, that is one really, really
purple Russian, sir!Copy !req
54. He's still armed! Nobody moves!Copy !req
55. Hands up! Back off! Back off!Copy !req
56. - No, sir. He's not gonna die.
- Hart!Copy !req
57. He's not good enough for that.Copy !req
58. His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?Copy !req
59. Now you're going down.Copy !req
60. Drop the guns or I'll kill her.Copy !req
61. lvan, out the back.Copy !req
62. You're not killing anyone,
you peanut-eating bastard.Copy !req
63. Step back!Copy !req
64. Move it! Move it!Copy !req
65. Party's over, boys.Copy !req
66. How's your head, my little piroshki?Copy !req
67. This is gonna put you away
for a long time. You know that?Copy !req
68. Let's get that ambulance in here!Copy !req
69. - Shut up!
Stay with me, all right?Copy !req
70. - I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry. You did a great job!Copy !req
71. Nice work. See you back there, okay?Copy !req
72. Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.Copy !req
73. I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.Copy !req
74. Come on, you made a choice.Copy !req
75. It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.Copy !req
76. By the way, you look like hell.Copy !req
77. - Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
- Good morning, Gracie.Copy !req
78. Hart.Copy !req
79. Yes, sir.Copy !req
80. ETA, 20 minutes.Copy !req
81. No problem. Breakdown?Copy !req
82. Yes, sir. Negative.
Do not need assistance.Copy !req
83. Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot.Copy !req
84. Hey, you cannot park...Copy !req
85. It's an emergency. Official business.Copy !req
86. Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you.Copy !req
87. Official business, sir.
Emergency. Step aside.Copy !req
88. Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.Copy !req
89. FBI. You might want
to stay out of this.Copy !req
90. Excuse me.
Sir, ma'am, please back off.Copy !req
91. All right. I need eight double-tall...Copy !req
92. Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.Copy !req
93. Five decaf lattes with a long straw.Copy !req
94. Four caramel macchiattos. Double up
on the cup. I got a long way to go.Copy !req
95. Two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top...Copy !req
96. and one Starbucks compilation CD.Copy !req
97. - No! I would like...
- Oh, jeez.Copy !req
98. What's going on? Where's McDonald?Copy !req
99. Could we put out an APB
on my Frappuccino?Copy !req
100. It's in the bag. Did he say anything
about last night?Copy !req
101. Relax. Don't annoy him.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.Copy !req
102. I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?Copy !req
103. I might have a heated discussion
with somebody.Copy !req
104. Is this you not arguing?
Because you suck at it.Copy !req
105. Morning, everybody.Copy !req
106. Morning, sir. It's...Copy !req
107. Sir.Copy !req
108. Okay, everybody.Copy !req
109. I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.Copy !req
110. So I'm happy to report...Copy !req
111. Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be
out of the hospital in two weeks.Copy !req
112. He says he's expecting lots of gifts.Copy !req
113. Okay, everybody.Copy !req
114. So much for the good news. We got
another letter from the Citizen.Copy !req
115. Arson, explosives, poison...Copy !req
116. this guy never works
the same way twice.Copy !req
117. The only thing we know for sure...Copy !req
118. is, we get these letters full
of incomprehensible riddles...Copy !req
119. he strikes and suddenly
the clues make sense.Copy !req
120. This one is down in Intelligence.Copy !req
121. Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.Copy !req
122. In the meantime...Copy !req
123. Matthews, get a team together.Copy !req
124. Sir, you want me to take point?Copy !req
125. For five years you've wanted it.Copy !req
126. Last night, you earned it.
Pick your team.Copy !req
127. I want preliminaries by 3.
That's it.Copy !req
128. Sir...?Copy !req
129. Who's buying me lunch?Copy !req
130. Sir, I would like to talk
about what happened last night.Copy !req
131. I didn't exactly follow orders...Copy !req
132. "Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.Copy !req
133. You follow orders or you don't.Copy !req
134. No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.Copy !req
135. Until the hearing,
you're out of the field.Copy !req
136. The hearing is totally warranted.Copy !req
137. Wouldn't I be better
on the Citizen case?Copy !req
138. I have a background
in profiling and decoding.Copy !req
139. - No.
- I could contribute.Copy !req
140. Like you contributed last night?Copy !req
141. By putting yourself
and five agents in jeopardy?Copy !req
142. I'll save the rest
for the review board.Copy !req
143. You will bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.Copy !req
144. Discussion is over.Copy !req
145. Mike, give me a pint.Copy !req
146. Rough day?Copy !req
147. The worst.Copy !req
148. Sure you want a whole one?Copy !req
149. Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.Copy !req
150. Hey, Einstein. If you figure out
that Citizen letter, let me know.Copy !req
151. Congratulations on the op.
It's a big shot.Copy !req
152. Thanks.Copy !req
153. How are you doing? You okay?Copy !req
154. I'm good.Copy !req
155. You're starting early today.Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
Want to join me?Copy !req
157. I'd love to, but I have
a pressing social engagement.Copy !req
158. Beth!Copy !req
159. Brownie meeting.Copy !req
160. - Mike, give me a beer and...
- Um...Copy !req
161. Milk. Give her milk.Copy !req
162. White wine spritzer.Copy !req
163. Are most of the people in here agents?Copy !req
164. As a matter of fact, here's
an agent. Gracie Hart.Copy !req
165. Beth Carter.Copy !req
166. Right back to you.Copy !req
167. Beth is an undergrad at Vassar,
doing a paper on law enforcement.Copy !req
168. I'm helping her get an inside look.Copy !req
169. I bet she'll do the same for you.Copy !req
170. Gracie, I would love to get
a woman's point of view.Copy !req
171. You're barking up the wrong tree.
Right, Hart?Copy !req
172. Do all the women have to wear
those really masculine shoes?Copy !req
173. I get these made special by the guy
that put the tattoo on my ass.Copy !req
174. We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry.
Catch you later.Copy !req
175. - Nice meeting you.
- You too.Copy !req
176. Hope you have a good time at the mall.Copy !req
177. Wohop is the place.Copy !req
178. Wohop is good, but if you like
variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.Copy !req
179. Their rice and beans are slamming.Copy !req
180. I don't want variety.
I get pork fried rice every...Copy !req
181. I figured it out! I tried to create
a content-based pattern...Copy !req
182. similar to his previous letters.Copy !req
183. But this time, he used a signifier.Copy !req
184. In this case, the word "miss"...Copy !req
185. in the subsequent letters.
Will you let me finish?Copy !req
186. It's the Miss United States Pageant.Copy !req
187. Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.Copy !req
188. What do we got?Copy !req
189. Miss United States from San Antonio,
Texas, home of the Alamo.Copy !req
190. I forgot the Alamo.Copy !req
191. The pageant lasts three days.
Preliminaries, conferences...Copy !req
192. the live telecast.
It's a logistical nightmare.Copy !req
193. Not just a babe-fest.Copy !req
194. Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.Copy !req
195. Okay, gentlemen.Copy !req
196. Where do we start?Copy !req
197. I got a cousin in Texas.Copy !req
198. You might want to call the network and
pageant people. Set up a meeting.Copy !req
199. Because you'll probably need
their cooperation.Copy !req
200. Yeah.Copy !req
201. Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.Copy !req
202. What about jurisdiction?Copy !req
203. The Citizen has been ours
from the start.Copy !req
204. You might want to call San Antonio.Copy !req
205. Grease some wheels so they like us...Copy !req
206. when we need manpower and tech.Copy !req
207. While I'm at it, let's do that.Copy !req
208. Good idea.Copy !req
209. He loves to make a splash.
His target will be public...Copy !req
210. like one of these outdoor prelims
or a TV broadcast.Copy !req
211. Telecasters at the convention center.Copy !req
212. We're gonna need surveillance
on the interior perimeter.Copy !req
213. We'll need more.
There's a million places...Copy !req
214. only these bikini-stuffers can go:
backstage areas, hotel rooms...Copy !req
215. We need to get somebody in there.Copy !req
216. Yeah! Now I'm thinking...Copy !req
217. undercover.Copy !req
218. Good idea, boss.Copy !req
219. I got just the girl.Copy !req
220. - Huh? Huh?
- All right.Copy !req
221. That's nothing. Check this out.Copy !req
222. Compliments of my daughter:
the "Dress Up Sally" web site.Copy !req
223. What did I tell you? Hot, right?Copy !req
224. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
225. You got a little problem.Copy !req
226. She's perfect!Copy !req
227. Look to the left.Copy !req
228. Down... down...Copy !req
229. There you go.
"On maternity leave"?Copy !req
230. That's not gonna work.Copy !req
231. Not unless it's
"The Miss Lamaze Pageant."Copy !req
232. Can you do a search?Copy !req
233. Female field agents under 35.Copy !req
234. Jensen, Jensen!Copy !req
235. Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it!Copy !req
236. Oh, no!Copy !req
237. That's right, that's right!Copy !req
238. You think that's good?
Check this out.Copy !req
239. I got the winner right here.Copy !req
240. Scorekeepers ready?Copy !req
241. This is the best part.Copy !req
242. Oh!Copy !req
243. He's right behind me, isn't he?Copy !req
244. Not really my color, is it?Copy !req
245. Sir, we were just...Copy !req
246. looking for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.Copy !req
247. And I'm the best we have.Copy !req
248. It doesn't inspire much confidence.Copy !req
249. Get back to work.Copy !req
250. - Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
251. You don't say anything?
Made me look like an idiot.Copy !req
252. Do I have eyes in the back of my head?Copy !req
253. - He was standing right behind me.
- What were we gonna say?Copy !req
254. - What?
This one.Copy !req
255. Are you kidding? It's Hart.Copy !req
256. Cut it off. Let's go back to work.Copy !req
257. Very funny.Copy !req
258. Hold on. That's not bad.Copy !req
259. Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button
because you won't see that again.Copy !req
260. - What do you say?
- No freaking way.Copy !req
261. Why not?Copy !req
262. I won't parade around in a swimsuit
like some bimbo...Copy !req
263. named Gracie Lou Freebush,
and all she wants is world peace.Copy !req
264. It wouldn't be like that.Copy !req
265. You'd be on the undercover team.Copy !req
266. Right. In a thong.Copy !req
267. In a tasteful one-piece!Copy !req
268. You do a few butt-shaping exercises...Copy !req
269. you could pull this off.Copy !req
270. You know what? Pull this off.Copy !req
271. Is it because McDonald hates me?Copy !req
272. Or is it, like, a woman thing?Copy !req
273. Don't kid yourself.
Nobody thinks of you that way.Copy !req
274. He's punishing me, isn't he?Copy !req
275. I had to beg him to let you do this.Copy !req
276. That's right. Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.Copy !req
277. Sit down, sit down.Copy !req
278. I've never been in a beauty pageant.Copy !req
279. I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.Copy !req
280. Ow, Jesus. Oh.Copy !req
281. Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?Copy !req
282. Let's suspend reality for a second...Copy !req
283. and pretend I said yes.Copy !req
284. I got to do everything? Like...Copy !req
285. the whole big hair
and the makeup and...Copy !req
286. Damn right.Copy !req
287. The spinning, the twirling, the
smiling, the cute little tap number.Copy !req
288. Hundred bucks on Matthews.Copy !req
289. I don't know. She's got rage.Copy !req
290. I'll take that bet.Copy !req
291. - That's right. That's right.
- Yeah!Copy !req
292. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
293. So you're saying...Copy !req
294. I have to wear the bathing suit?Copy !req
295. Yeah, you have
to wear the bathing suit.Copy !req
296. Okay.Copy !req
297. You go, girl.Copy !req
298. Where am I gonna put my gun?Copy !req
299. No place I want to know about.Copy !req
300. What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant?Copy !req
301. Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world...Copy !req
302. broaden your horizons...Copy !req
303. So join the Marines. It's like
feminism never even happened.Copy !req
304. Any woman that does this is catering
to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.Copy !req
305. I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.Copy !req
306. Can you really be this superficial?Copy !req
307. Hard to believe, right?Copy !req
308. Here we are.Copy !req
309. Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.Copy !req
310. Am I hearing this correctly?Copy !req
311. Kathy, these people want
to put one of their agents...Copy !req
312. in the pageant.Copy !req
313. They want her to win?Copy !req
314. No, ma'am.Copy !req
315. We will need your help
with the judging...Copy !req
316. so our agent is in the top five...Copy !req
317. to have access to
all the areas at all times.Copy !req
318. - Absolutely not.
Miss Morningside...Copy !req
319. we understand how important
this beauty pageant...Copy !req
320. Excuse me.Copy !req
321. This is not a beauty pageant.Copy !req
322. This is a scholarship program.Copy !req
323. And it has been ever since my reign.Copy !req
324. I fully intend on maintaining
that credo.Copy !req
325. Absolutely, Miss Morningside.Copy !req
326. We're here to protect the girls.
Women.Copy !req
327. Scholarship ladies.Copy !req
328. There's nothing more important to me
than the safety of my girls.Copy !req
329. I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have them blown up.Copy !req
330. Especially without their knowledge.Copy !req
331. We went to the network to cancel,
but they refused.Copy !req
332. We can't force them.Copy !req
333. I'm confused.Copy !req
334. What state is she going to be from?Copy !req
335. All the winners have been chosen.Copy !req
336. We recently discovered some
information about Miss New Jersey.Copy !req
337. And her performance in a little
film called Arma Get It On.Copy !req
338. Was that her?Copy !req
339. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
340. She was gonna drop out pretty soon,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
341. Do you have an agent in mind?Copy !req
342. Sorry.Copy !req
343. Let me get you
Victor Melling's number.Copy !req
344. Frank.Copy !req
345. He's our pageant consultant.Copy !req
346. Frank.Copy !req
347. Maybe he can do something to help.Copy !req
348. Frank!Copy !req
349. Oh! Just one minute.Copy !req
350. This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.Copy !req
351. Hi, everyone.Copy !req
352. Would you get these people
Victor's number, please?Copy !req
353. And get me a spring water.Copy !req
354. And tuck in your shirt.Copy !req
355. That, that was... a water for you...Copy !req
356. and...Copy !req
357. Victor Melling's number.Copy !req
358. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
359. Mr. Melling.Copy !req
360. How are you?Copy !req
361. If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.Copy !req
362. I'm having a bad hair day.Copy !req
363. Bad hair decade, really.Copy !req
364. I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.Copy !req
365. Your hair is perfect.Copy !req
366. However, I can't accept this job.Copy !req
367. There's no way I can make
this woman ready in two days.Copy !req
368. Please, Mr. Melling,
give it a chance. Sit down.Copy !req
369. Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.Copy !req
370. I suppose that would be
the civilized thing to do.Copy !req
371. I'll take a rain check.
I got to take care of some FBI stuff.Copy !req
372. That thing I told you
about that I gotta do.Copy !req
373. But I'll see you later.
We'll hang out. You like caps?Copy !req
374. I'll get you an official FBI cap.Copy !req
375. See you later.Copy !req
376. What a pity.Copy !req
377. - Are you hungry?
- Yeah.Copy !req
378. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
379. It is always "yes,"
never "yeah." Sit down.Copy !req
380. Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.Copy !req
381. Do you understand?Copy !req
382. Watch the hands, garçon.Copy !req
383. - Excuse me.
It's all right.Copy !req
384. I have a feeling we're going to need
a drop cloth later.Copy !req
385. Could I have another
cabernet sauvignon?Copy !req
386. Another keg for you?Copy !req
387. - I'm good, thanks.
That's okay, Philip.Copy !req
388. So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?Copy !req
389. I'm sorry?Copy !req
390. What was the question? I was
distracted by a half-masticated cow...Copy !req
391. rolling around
in your wide-open trap.Copy !req
392. Excuse me? What is your problem?Copy !req
393. - Problem?
- Yeah.Copy !req
394. I mean, yes.
Have I offended you in some way?Copy !req
395. You've been completely antagonistic
to me from the second I walked in.Copy !req
396. I was once the most
sought-after, highly paid...Copy !req
397. consultant in pageant history.Copy !req
398. I had no idea.Copy !req
399. Every season, girls would plead
with me to train them.Copy !req
400. Ten out of 11 years...Copy !req
401. my girls were crowned.Copy !req
402. The year we lost,
the winner was a deaf-mute.Copy !req
403. You can't beat that.Copy !req
404. Then...Copy !req
405. in '96...Copy !req
406. my girl froze like a puddle halfway
through her aria from La Bohème.Copy !req
407. Afterwards, she told
a reporter from Pageant Magazine...Copy !req
408. that I was a perfectionist...Copy !req
409. who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.Copy !req
410. Of course,
after that article came out...Copy !req
411. nobody wanted me.Copy !req
412. Okay. With all due respect here...Copy !req
413. why did Miss Morningside
suggest you?Copy !req
414. Because I am the best.Copy !req
415. Or perhaps it's because everyone else
worth having had a contestant.Copy !req
416. They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.Copy !req
417. Spunky Western cowgirls.Copy !req
418. And I have...Copy !req
419. Dirty Harriet.Copy !req
420. Will you desist?Copy !req
421. Yeah.Copy !req
422. Yes.Copy !req
423. Oh, my God.Copy !req
424. I haven't seen a walk like that
since Jurassic Park.Copy !req
425. It's been working really well for me
for the past 30 years, all right?Copy !req
426. Well, glide, now. Glide.Copy !req
427. Don't look down, don't look down.Copy !req
428. Don't look down, look up. Your chin
should be parallel to the floor.Copy !req
429. Now glide. Glide.Copy !req
430. It's not the bloody Ice Capades.Copy !req
431. Gliding.Copy !req
432. No, no. Don't pick your feet up.
Don't pick your feet up.Copy !req
433. Why are you picking your feet up?Copy !req
434. Because I'm preparing to run away.Copy !req
435. - No, wait. Wait.
- What?Copy !req
436. Watch me.Copy !req
437. Glide. Glide.Copy !req
438. See? Glide.Copy !req
439. It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?Copy !req
440. It takes a very secure man
to walk like that.Copy !req
441. Roll your hips.Copy !req
442. Head up, head up. Keep gliding...Copy !req
443. I'm gliding here!Copy !req
444. What are you, blind?Copy !req
445. Asshole.Copy !req
446. Look how she walks. She's floating.Copy !req
447. Lightly ascending
from cloud to cloud...Copy !req
448. towards heaven.Copy !req
449. He takes one look at that fake rack...Copy !req
450. he's gonna send her right back.Copy !req
451. Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"Copy !req
452. I am somewhat less than amused.Copy !req
453. How's she doing?Copy !req
454. With some intensive work...Copy !req
455. she'll be ready for the world's
finest trailer park.Copy !req
456. Thank you!Copy !req
457. Both painful...Copy !req
458. and grotesque.Copy !req
459. Isn't it?Copy !req
460. Oh, my God!Copy !req
461. Mr. Vic, we got everything
you asked for. Where do we start?Copy !req
462. Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.Copy !req
463. Which one first?Copy !req
464. What are you gonna do to my teeth?Copy !req
465. Hopefully, remove the beer
stains and steak residue.Copy !req
466. Can't I get some Novocain?Copy !req
467. It's only a cleaning.Copy !req
468. Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?Copy !req
469. Your hair should make a statement.Copy !req
470. As long as it's not,
"Thanks for the Country Music Award."Copy !req
471. You'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.Copy !req
472. No mercy.Copy !req
473. Can I borrow that drill?Copy !req
474. Attention. Attention.Copy !req
475. All hair removal units,
wax, electrolysis, laser...Copy !req
476. to commence at 2300 hours.Copy !req
477. Hello. Ah!Copy !req
478. Bikini wax.Copy !req
479. How you doing?Copy !req
480. Ever seen one this big?Copy !req
481. Sandwich, I mean.Copy !req
482. That's a lot of meat.Copy !req
483. Thank you!Copy !req
484. Nobody said this job was easy.Copy !req
485. Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
486. This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies.Copy !req
487. I don't need it. With all this foil,
I'm getting HBO.Copy !req
488. This is a pin camera.Copy !req
489. There's an actual lens in there.Copy !req
490. It provides a digital video
feed to our hookups.Copy !req
491. Here's your new IDs.Copy !req
492. Pageant identity.Copy !req
493. Gracie Lou Freebush?Copy !req
494. I remembered you liked that.Copy !req
495. Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.Copy !req
496. More... fluffy.Copy !req
497. Eyebrows. There should be two.Copy !req
498. Another two coats. And a sealant.Copy !req
499. Unbelievable.Copy !req
500. Where the hell is she? What could
possibly be taking this long?Copy !req
501. Hart, is that you?Copy !req
502. I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
I haven't slept...Copy !req
503. I'm starved and I'm armed.
Don't mess with me.Copy !req
504. Ooh.Copy !req
505. I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.Copy !req
506. Yeah, that's her.
Mr. Vic, nice work!Copy !req
507. Thank you.Copy !req
508. My God, I'm good.Copy !req
509. Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.Copy !req
510. "Operation Thong" has commenced.Copy !req
511. Why don't you stun-gun yourself?Copy !req
512. I knew she'd like that one.Copy !req
513. Victor?Copy !req
514. Try not to speak.Copy !req
515. Victor!Copy !req
516. Miss Morningside, if it's possible...Copy !req
517. you look more radiant than ever.Copy !req
518. Then I guess it's possible.
Hello.Copy !req
519. Hi.Copy !req
520. Miss Hart?Copy !req
521. I mean, Miss Freebush.Copy !req
522. Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.Copy !req
523. You look absolutely perfect.Copy !req
524. And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.Copy !req
525. You'll take the bags to the room?Copy !req
526. It's been a while
since you've been with us...Copy !req
527. but you remember
how everything goes.Copy !req
528. One little mistake
and I'm a bloody bellhop.Copy !req
529. Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!Copy !req
530. Washington. Nice apples.Copy !req
531. Original. You come up with that
all by yourself?Copy !req
532. - Miss Freebush!
- I got it. I got it.Copy !req
533. New Jersey? Welcome.Copy !req
534. Who's she?
Have you seen her before?Copy !req
535. Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.Copy !req
536. Thanks.Copy !req
537. - I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island.
- Hi, I'm...Copy !req
538. Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized
the orientation pamphlet.Copy !req
539. I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.Copy !req
540. Fifty, including myself.Copy !req
541. Your picture wasn't there, so I knew
it was you from your lack of picture.Copy !req
542. How about a little song for the drive?Copy !req
543. I think you know the one I mean.Copy !req
544. From sea to shining seaCopy !req
545. Like Lady LibertyCopy !req
546. She reigns over all she seesCopy !req
547. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
548. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
549. Entering Barbie-town.Copy !req
550. We're up and running.Copy !req
551. I love my job!Copy !req
552. - Not a bad view.
- Not at all.Copy !req
553. There's our table!Copy !req
554. I got here three days early
so I could...Copy !req
555. Look at all the hoochie mama!Copy !req
556. Not the pastry!Copy !req
557. Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.Copy !req
558. Karen Krantz, New York.Copy !req
559. What's up, Jersey?Copy !req
560. - Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.Copy !req
561. Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- Hi.Copy !req
562. - I like that!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
563. Leslie Davis, California.Copy !req
564. Hey, girl.Copy !req
565. And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.Copy !req
566. Aloha.Copy !req
567. Aloha to you too!Copy !req
568. I want you all to know, I believe what
it says on the sign at the Alamodome.Copy !req
569. We are all winners.Copy !req
570. Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?Copy !req
571. Most important, we're getting our
issues out there for people to hear.Copy !req
572. And it's an honor
to have made it this far.Copy !req
573. Especially when you're
from a small state...Copy !req
574. That's so true!Copy !req
575. - Us Rhode Islanders...
- I wasn't finished.Copy !req
576. Did it sound like I was?Copy !req
577. I'm sorry.Copy !req
578. Why are you apologizing to her?Copy !req
579. She's been drinking
too much Coppertone.Copy !req
580. - Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I am.Copy !req
581. In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"
for hello and goodbye?Copy !req
582. So?Copy !req
583. If you're on the phone with
someone who won't stop talking...Copy !req
584. and you say "aloha,"
don't they start again?Copy !req
585. At least she thinks I'm funny.Copy !req
586. Hart? Hart, do you copy?Copy !req
587. - What's up?
- I don't know. It's not working.Copy !req
588. - It worked five minutes ago.
- Who put it together?Copy !req
589. Check one, check one...Copy !req
590. Thank you so much. Thank you.Copy !req
591. For the past 21 years...Copy !req
592. it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.Copy !req
593. And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!Copy !req
594. Couple of geniuses I'm working with.Copy !req
595. After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
you can settle into your rooms.Copy !req
596. Tomorrow we will
begin the preliminaries...Copy !req
597. hosted by our
master of ceremonies...Copy !req
598. an American institution,
Stan Fields.Copy !req
599. Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!Copy !req
600. Let's go! Get it back online!Copy !req
601. We're working on it.
We're trying.Copy !req
602. Thank you, Kathy.Copy !req
603. Isn't she ravishing?Copy !req
604. How does she do it?Copy !req
605. I look in the mirror and say,
"Who's that old man in my pajamas?"Copy !req
606. And even though I'll be
retiring this year...Copy !req
607. Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.Copy !req
608. That's so sad. He's retiring.Copy !req
609. He's not retiring.Copy !req
610. I spoke to him this morning,
and he blurted it out.Copy !req
611. They're firing him, going
for someone newer and younger.Copy !req
612. I hope it's Ricky Martin.Copy !req
613. Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
614. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
615. Oh.Copy !req
616. Oh, I uh...Copy !req
617. I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.Copy !req
618. Dear Jesus, please forgive me...Copy !req
619. for not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.Copy !req
620. Thank you very much.Copy !req
621. Amen.Copy !req
622. - Hi!
- Hi.Copy !req
623. I hope I'm not disturbing you.Copy !req
624. Oh, no, I was just, you know...Copy !req
625. grooming.Copy !req
626. I made some of my famous
hot chocolate.Copy !req
627. Oh, um...Copy !req
628. My roommate's asleep,
or she's starting to mold.Copy !req
629. But do you want to come in?Copy !req
630. I asked some of the other girls...Copy !req
631. but when they heard "chocolate"
they slammed their doors.Copy !req
632. They didn't give me a chance
to say "nonfat."Copy !req
633. Well, here's to...Copy !req
634. world peace.Copy !req
635. World peace.Copy !req
636. Mmm.Copy !req
637. Mm.Copy !req
638. Hot.Copy !req
639. I'm sorry.Copy !req
640. I have to tell you...Copy !req
641. I thought it was really great
how you settled that argument today.Copy !req
642. "Aloha, aloha."Copy !req
643. That's why you're gonna win.Copy !req
644. You're so clever.Copy !req
645. You should tell jokes for your talent.
What is your talent?Copy !req
646. It's... It's kind of like...Copy !req
647. It's, you know,
it's like a surprise.Copy !req
648. - Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
649. But don't worry,
it's nothing embarrassing.Copy !req
650. Not anything like baton twirling
or anything.Copy !req
651. So, what's your talent?Copy !req
652. Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.Copy !req
653. Twirling can be a real art.Copy !req
654. I saw this cheerleader doing it
at a football game.Copy !req
655. She lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance.Copy !req
656. I wish I could do something like that.Copy !req
657. Why can't you?Copy !req
658. My parents don't like
anything ostentatious.Copy !req
659. And they really don't like fire.Copy !req
660. Cheryl, I think you have as good
a chance as anyone to win.Copy !req
661. You believe in yourself
to have gotten this far, right?Copy !req
662. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
663. Wow.Copy !req
664. You're so nice and so smart
and so sensitive.Copy !req
665. You're definitely gonna win.Copy !req
666. That's it.Copy !req
667. Excuse me. I am in the middle
of a REM cycle over here.Copy !req
668. - Sorry.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
669. Yes.Copy !req
670. Not happening.Copy !req
671. - What?
- You took your earpiece out.Copy !req
672. - Vic needs you.
- Now?Copy !req
673. - I haven't slept in two days!
- I'll give you a cookie.Copy !req
674. It better be a big one.Copy !req
675. You don't walk, you float.Copy !req
676. Gently descending,
you don't look down.Copy !req
677. Go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?Copy !req
678. Thighs touching...Copy !req
679. - Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.Copy !req
680. There's a gap between knees and calves,
your calves and your ankles.Copy !req
681. Right now there's a huge gap between
my brain and my spinal cord.Copy !req
682. Here. Take these.Copy !req
683. What, no armored car?Copy !req
684. That would be in my other dress.Copy !req
685. What are you planning to do
for your talent? Sing? Dance?Copy !req
686. Chew with your mouth closed?Copy !req
687. I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.Copy !req
688. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
689. Agent Matthews!Copy !req
690. - This woman has no talent!
- Don't shout it in front of her.Copy !req
691. I wasn't told to provide a talent.
I can't do so in the next five hours!Copy !req
692. Wait a minute.Copy !req
693. What are you talking about?Copy !req
694. She'll be on-stage
with nothing to do...Copy !req
695. but convert oxygen
into carbon dioxide!Copy !req
696. You said you couldn't make her pretty
in two days, but she's gorgeous.Copy !req
697. Compared to the car wreck
she was before.Copy !req
698. My duties are stated in a contract,
and I have fulfilled them.Copy !req
699. - You talent her up by tomorrow or...
- Are you threatening me?Copy !req
700. - Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you cupcake!Copy !req
701. There's something I know how to do.
I haven't done it since high school...Copy !req
702. - You're not having sex on this stage.
- I didn't know it was an option.Copy !req
703. This thing,
I just have to call room service.Copy !req
704. Miss Hart.Copy !req
705. Please.Copy !req
706. Thank you. And the other one.Copy !req
707. Thank you.Copy !req
708. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
709. Happy, you doughnut Nazi?Copy !req
710. Did I tell you Stan Fields
was getting fired?Copy !req
711. I'm on it. You just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right.Copy !req
712. And by the way,
you're doing a great job.Copy !req
713. I thought the evening gown looked...Copy !req
714. - I totally bought it.
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
715. I don't think you're gorgeous.Copy !req
716. You think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
717. You want to kiss me.Copy !req
718. You want to hug me...Copy !req
719. McDonald's more feminine.
I'd rather kiss him.Copy !req
720. - love me.
You want to hug me.Copy !req
721. You want to smooch me.Copy !req
722. Enjoy the rest of your night.Copy !req
723. Gracie, you look so tired.Copy !req
724. Oh, she had a busy night.Copy !req
725. I saw that gentleman stop by the room.Copy !req
726. Gentleman?Copy !req
727. Uh-huh.Copy !req
728. - No men in the room.
- It's different on the mainland.Copy !req
729. Hold on, ladies. Let's hear
her side of the story.Copy !req
730. You sleeping with a judge?Copy !req
731. Oh.Copy !req
732. Oh, that guy? No.Copy !req
733. No, no, I was dating him
for a little while because...Copy !req
734. he said he had
an incurable disease.Copy !req
735. I didn't realize it was stupidity.Copy !req
736. Oh, I know what that's like.
- All right.Copy !req
737. He is such a pathetic loser.Copy !req
738. I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,
but at some point it's like, "Hello!"Copy !req
739. "Move on! Get over yourself!"Copy !req
740. His ego is this big.Copy !req
741. But his equipment is like this big!Copy !req
742. Good cover!
We worked that out together.Copy !req
743. Use it for a needle.Copy !req
744. Back to work.
Get ready for the Alamo.Copy !req
745. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
746. And welcome to
the Miss United States Preliminary...Copy !req
747. here at the beautiful
and historical Alamo!Copy !req
748. Prepare for what promises to be...Copy !req
749. a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.Copy !req
750. And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.Copy !req
751. Oh, yes!Copy !req
752. And now, put it together...Copy !req
753. for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!Copy !req
754. You light up my lifeCopy !req
755. What's her talent, bartending?Copy !req
756. I made it very clear you weren't
responsible for making her credible.Copy !req
757. I wish I could explain...Copy !req
758. but there are no words.Copy !req
759. Eagle-Eye.Copy !req
760. You might want to check out
cowboy at 1:00.Copy !req
761. My 1:00 or your 1:00?Copy !req
762. The one under the white Stetson.Copy !req
763. There's Stetsons everywhere.Copy !req
764. He's moving, he's moving.Copy !req
765. Toward the stage.
- Hold on, we're checking it out.Copy !req
766. Guys.Copy !req
767. Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.Copy !req
768. Who's got the 20 on the shooter?Copy !req
769. I'm taking him out.Copy !req
770. Wait for a visual!Copy !req
771. Gun! Gun! Everybody down!Copy !req
772. Better up to them, don't you think?Copy !req
773. In a bizarre incident at
the Miss United States Preliminaries...Copy !req
774. the contestant from New Jersey
leapt off-stage...Copy !req
775. and tackled a man in the crowd
who was trying to light a cigarette.Copy !req
776. She's here with me right now.Copy !req
777. What were you thinking when you
jumped off the stage?Copy !req
778. All the contestants are actively
involved in ending tobacco dependence.Copy !req
779. I think the gentleman will think twice
before he lights up again.Copy !req
780. I'm sure we all will.Copy !req
781. - Look, he had a gun.
- Of course.Copy !req
782. This is Texas, everyone has a gun.Copy !req
783. My florist has a gun.Copy !req
784. I don't have a gun.Copy !req
785. My ancestors were Quakers.Copy !req
786. Stan, please!Copy !req
787. We assume any man
with a weapon is a suspect.Copy !req
788. We got the DNA results.Copy !req
789. The envelope from the Citizen
was licked by a woman.Copy !req
790. There's never been DNA before.Copy !req
791. He slipped up, or I should say "she."Copy !req
792. This is preposterous.Copy !req
793. You people are completely clueless.Copy !req
794. If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be
holding it in someone's basement!Copy !req
795. Every operation is bound
to have its screwups.Copy !req
796. As far as I can see,
she's still with us.Copy !req
797. Oh, God!Copy !req
798. Could I have a moment alone
with Miss Hart, please?Copy !req
799. Sure.Copy !req
800. Just for a tiny minute.Copy !req
801. We'll just be a moment.
Shop talk.Copy !req
802. Hair, gel, mousse.Copy !req
803. Look, I know I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
804. I've been fighting all my life
against your type.Copy !req
805. The ones who think we're
a bunch of worthless airheads.Copy !req
806. You know who I mean.Copy !req
807. Feminists...Copy !req
808. intellectuals...Copy !req
809. ugly women.Copy !req
810. I refuse to give in to their cynicism.Copy !req
811. That's why I have dedicated
my entire life to this scholarship.Copy !req
812. No one's going to ruin that.Copy !req
813. Not this year.Copy !req
814. You get in my way, I will kill you.Copy !req
815. Do you understand?Copy !req
816. Yeah.Copy !req
817. - Yes!
- Yes.Copy !req
818. Frank!Copy !req
819. The interview is the single most
important part of the pageant.Copy !req
820. It accounts for 30%
of your total score.Copy !req
821. What's the other 70%, cleavage?Copy !req
822. Is this your idea of doing final preps
on the convention center?Copy !req
823. Look. Liberace's got her
in a nice evening gown.Copy !req
824. McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-
smoking commercial. He's on his way.Copy !req
825. Good, perfect. I'd hate for him
to fire me over the phone.Copy !req
826. I can't believe this!Copy !req
827. It'll be ugly.Copy !req
828. No shit.Copy !req
829. I gotta do something.
I'm gonna go do laps.Copy !req
830. We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.Copy !req
831. You got it.Copy !req
832. Hands folded...Copy !req
833. ankles crossed.Copy !req
834. Neck up!Copy !req
835. And remember, smile.Copy !req
836. Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.Copy !req
837. I would so love to hurt you right now.Copy !req
838. As long as you smile.Copy !req
839. Now...Copy !req
840. Why is New Jersey called...Copy !req
841. the Garden State?Copy !req
842. You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical
refinery state" on a license plate?Copy !req
843. I don't appreciate your immaturity...Copy !req
844. when I'm working as hard as I am.Copy !req
845. What's the big deal?
It's fixed, I'm in the top five.Copy !req
846. Congratulations to me.Copy !req
847. Is that enough? Have you no pride
in yourself, in your presentation?Copy !req
848. I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not
a performing monkey in heels.Copy !req
849. You're also a person,
and an incomplete one at that!Copy !req
850. In place of friends and relationships,
you have sarcasm and a gun.Copy !req
851. Oh, I have sarcasm?Copy !req
852. When every word that comes out of your
mouth is dripping with disdain?Copy !req
853. That is because I am a miserable,
grumpy elitist, and that works for me.Copy !req
854. I don't have relationships
because I don't want them.Copy !req
855. And I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.Copy !req
856. And you have no idea why I am
the way that I am.Copy !req
857. As we're practicing interviews,
why are you the way you are?Copy !req
858. None of your damn business.Copy !req
859. The judges probably have
never heard that before.Copy !req
860. We have more to do here.Copy !req
861. No, we are finished.Copy !req
862. Finished.Copy !req
863. - Give me a 20 on Matthews.
- Be advised he's at the pool.Copy !req
864. "How do you feel about gun control?"Copy !req
865. Favorable.Copy !req
866. Thought I'd let you know
I was quitting. Take care.Copy !req
867. Hold on. Wait a minute.Copy !req
868. - What do you mean?
- I mean, you got the wrong girl.Copy !req
869. All right?Copy !req
870. I do not need this now.Copy !req
871. That's what I'm saying!
I'm totally screwing up in there!Copy !req
872. I don't feel
like a real agent anymore.Copy !req
873. I mean, Vic says
this thing that's so...Copy !req
874. I don't care what he said, you know?
I don't care.Copy !req
875. Because I am the job...Copy !req
876. and I'm okay with that.
You're the job?Copy !req
877. Yeah, I'm the job.
We're all the job.Copy !req
878. Then what's wrong with me?Copy !req
879. I date. I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date in 10 years.Copy !req
880. Is that what you think?Copy !req
881. I think you date.Copy !req
882. Damn right I do.Copy !req
883. But both times it was screwed up.Copy !req
884. I don't even care.
All I want to do...Copy !req
885. is my job.Copy !req
886. For the last three days
I feel like I'm completely lost.Copy !req
887. I've been waiting five years
to run my own op.Copy !req
888. - Would I blow it on the wrong girl?
- You picked me...Copy !req
889. because I looked good
and wasn't on maternity leave.Copy !req
890. No, that's why they let me pick you.
Know why?Copy !req
891. - Lost a bet.
- You're smart...Copy !req
892. and funny and you're easy
to talk to when you're unarmed.Copy !req
893. Give yourself a break
and cut Vic some slack.Copy !req
894. Because if they see
what I see, then...Copy !req
895. they'll love you.Copy !req
896. So, what do you say?Copy !req
897. I won't let you down.Copy !req
898. Good, that's what I want to hear.Copy !req
899. In all honesty, I might let you down.Copy !req
900. But I'll try my best not to.Copy !req
901. Do not mess with the dress.Copy !req
902. Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.Copy !req
903. You in big trouble.Copy !req
904. Why? You fell.Copy !req
905. - You look good wet.
- Shut up!Copy !req
906. Whoa, guys, Hart's
in the dressing room. Come on.Copy !req
907. You see the legs on that girl?
Who's your daddy?Copy !req
908. Those better be candy dishes!Copy !req
909. Turn around.Copy !req
910. Open.Copy !req
911. This guy's like an inch from death!Copy !req
912. But what a way to go!Copy !req
913. - Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
914. She's a federal agent.
Come on.Copy !req
915. Guess it's time to apply
at my local Hooters.Copy !req
916. Hemorrhoid ointment? You think
the judges will look that closely?Copy !req
917. It's for the baggies under your eyes.Copy !req
918. Really?Copy !req
919. Good, hair spray.
Finally something I recognize.Copy !req
920. What are you doing?Copy !req
921. It stops the suit from riding up.Copy !req
922. Riding up where?Copy !req
923. Just up!Copy !req
924. That's enough!Copy !req
925. Why do you make things hard?Copy !req
926. I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.Copy !req
927. Why does Georgia get to wear
a one-piece and I have to wear this?Copy !req
928. If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.Copy !req
929. Places, everybody! Let's go!Copy !req
930. The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
for 15% of the total score...Copy !req
931. and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise...Copy !req
932. of each lovely woman.Copy !req
933. The last time I was naked in public,
I came out of a uterus.Copy !req
934. I don't have breasts, my thighs...
I should wear a muumuu.Copy !req
935. I have avoided this experience
all my life.Copy !req
936. And here it is.
You must achieve a Zen-like state.Copy !req
937. Listen to your breathing,
feel your heart...Copy !req
938. think of the Dalai Lama.Copy !req
939. Texas!Copy !req
940. Rhode Island!Copy !req
941. New Jersey!Copy !req
942. Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama...Copy !req
943. New York!Copy !req
944. California!Copy !req
945. I would have to say,
world peace.Copy !req
946. Definitely, world peace.Copy !req
947. That's easy. World peace.Copy !req
948. World peace.Copy !req
949. What is the one most important thing
our society needs?Copy !req
950. That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.Copy !req
951. And, world peace.Copy !req
952. Thank you, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
953. And thank you, Stan.Copy !req
954. Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.Copy !req
955. That was charming. Are you drunk?Copy !req
956. Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,
I have to go unscrew my smile.Copy !req
957. We got a lead.Copy !req
958. - The blood test?
- Photos.Copy !req
959. Cheryl Frasier, with members
of a radical animal rights group...Copy !req
960. involved in bombings.
It's always the quiet ones.Copy !req
961. She fits the profile:
loner, introverted.Copy !req
962. That Cheryl?Copy !req
963. Describe your perfect date.Copy !req
964. That's a tough one.Copy !req
965. I'd have to say April 25th...Copy !req
966. because it's not too hot,
not too cold.Copy !req
967. All you need is a light jacket.Copy !req
968. Now, there is a hardened criminal.Copy !req
969. Maybe she's an accomplice.
Maybe she's his inside connection.Copy !req
970. That's what you gotta find out.Copy !req
971. How?Copy !req
972. Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.Copy !req
973. - Girl talk?
- Yes, girl talk.Copy !req
974. Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.Copy !req
975. Leg waxing, fake orgasms,
the inability of men to commit.Copy !req
976. Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
977. lmagine she's me and you want to know,
but I don't want to talk about it.Copy !req
978. What would you do?Copy !req
979. You want me to beat her?Copy !req
980. Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
981. Okay, forget about it. I will go.Copy !req
982. Put that back in your ear.Copy !req
983. I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.Copy !req
984. I can't even do it with me in my head.Copy !req
985. Girl talk.Copy !req
986. Oh, my God!Copy !req
987. Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?Copy !req
988. How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.Copy !req
989. I was like a female Rain Man.Copy !req
990. Oh, no, it def-def-definitely
wasn't Rain Man.Copy !req
991. Definitely not Rain Man.Copy !req
992. Come and have a midnight snack
with me and some...Copy !req
993. girl talk.Copy !req
994. Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!Copy !req
995. Do you know how many calories
you're talking about?Copy !req
996. It's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.Copy !req
997. Come on.Copy !req
998. Come with. No?Copy !req
999. No takers? No?Copy !req
1000. All right, I'll just...Copy !req
1001. sit here. You guys
go back on your bicycles...Copy !req
1002. and I'll sit here with my
very large, cheesy pizza.Copy !req
1003. Oh, look at all that cheese.Copy !req
1004. Mmm, mm, mm.Copy !req
1005. Cheryl, don't.Copy !req
1006. At least scrape off the toppings.Copy !req
1007. First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons...Copy !req
1008. Let me have some. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1009. I guess we'll be needing more pizza.Copy !req
1010. - I want another drink!
- Okay!Copy !req
1011. We're gonna get a drink.Copy !req
1012. Another round, ladies?Copy !req
1013. - I can't do another one!
Yes, you can!Copy !req
1014. This is so weird!Copy !req
1015. This is my third one
and I don't feel a thing!Copy !req
1016. Really?Copy !req
1017. Like when I did my interview question.Copy !req
1018. Don't worry, we all sucked.Copy !req
1019. You know, I had such a good answer
to that question too.Copy !req
1020. My idea of a perfect date
would be a man...Copy !req
1021. who takes me to a romantic dinner.Copy !req
1022. Then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books...Copy !req
1023. and music and movies!Copy !req
1024. Aw.Copy !req
1025. No wonder you're still a virgin.Copy !req
1026. Time to paint. Come on.Copy !req
1027. No, my contacts.Copy !req
1028. - We'll stay here.
- I want more pizza.Copy !req
1029. We're gonna have more pizza and beer.Copy !req
1030. Have fun!Copy !req
1031. - This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.Copy !req
1032. It's so fun it should be illegal.Copy !req
1033. Speaking of illegal,
have you ever, like...Copy !req
1034. committed a crime?Copy !req
1035. Yes!Copy !req
1036. Yes, I did.Copy !req
1037. Go on.Copy !req
1038. One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.Copy !req
1039. My mother wouldn't buy them!Copy !req
1040. She said they were Satan's panties.Copy !req
1041. - So is that it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1042. Oh, there was
this one thing in college...Copy !req
1043. with my lit professor.Copy !req
1044. One day I came to his office. He said
he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.Copy !req
1045. He wanted to discuss a paper, right?Copy !req
1046. Hey, can I get another
one of these tubie things?Copy !req
1047. Yeah, can we get another tubie?Copy !req
1048. Anyway, he attacked me.Copy !req
1049. Cheryl, did you report him?Copy !req
1050. No, I never told anyone before this.Copy !req
1051. I know that happens all the time.Copy !req
1052. No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.Copy !req
1053. There are so many maneuvers
that I could show you.Copy !req
1054. Really?Copy !req
1055. Yeah! Come on, get up.Copy !req
1056. I want you to firmly plant your feet.Copy !req
1057. I'm gonna move the chair.Copy !req
1058. Now if someone comes at you...Copy !req
1059. She's completely trashed.Copy !req
1060. We should get her back
before Miss Morningside finds out.Copy !req
1061. Kathy's got a boot up her ass
about something.Copy !req
1062. I don't think she ever
got over those rumors.Copy !req
1063. Come again?Copy !req
1064. Her pageant years
she was a runner-up.Copy !req
1065. But then the winner mysteriously
got food poisoning.Copy !req
1066. Bizarro!Copy !req
1067. No, Stan told me she got a letter
a few weeks back from the network...Copy !req
1068. and they're firing her too!Copy !req
1069. She threw a chair out the window!Copy !req
1070. We gotta go. Come on.Copy !req
1071. I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.Copy !req
1072. Don't tell me I don't understand.Copy !req
1073. I hate when I don't see
a wet paint sign.Copy !req
1074. Stop it. Listen.Copy !req
1075. - Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.
- I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.Copy !req
1076. Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.Copy !req
1077. What? Where?Copy !req
1078. It's confirmed.Copy !req
1079. He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.Copy !req
1080. Place had enough C4
to make a new Grand Canyon.Copy !req
1081. Let's pack up and get out of here.Copy !req
1082. Sir, I need to talk to you.
One second of your time.Copy !req
1083. - Hart.
- Hear me out a second.Copy !req
1084. I feel the situation bears further
scrutiny and our continued presence.Copy !req
1085. Do you have paint in your ears?
We caught the guy!Copy !req
1086. I respect what you're saying.
I'd say the same to me...Copy !req
1087. but what if we were wrong?Copy !req
1088. What if the Citizen didn't send it?
What if it was a copycat?Copy !req
1089. The letter didn't follow
the normal pattern.Copy !req
1090. The linguistic scheme
was uncharacteristic...Copy !req
1091. and the DNA said it was a woman!Copy !req
1092. Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.Copy !req
1093. I think we have reason
to monitor Morningside.Copy !req
1094. Why don't you jump on her
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?Copy !req
1095. You're the reason I had
to drag myself down here...Copy !req
1096. and I don't want to hear anymore!Copy !req
1097. You're absolutely right, sir.
Not another damn word.Copy !req
1098. Thank you.Copy !req
1099. But she's getting fired this year,
which she didn't tell us.Copy !req
1100. You're already in enough
trouble with the review board.Copy !req
1101. Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,
the only reason she won was...Copy !req
1102. because the winner got
food poisoning. How bizarro is that?Copy !req
1103. - "Bizarro"?
- Oh! Oh!Copy !req
1104. She threatened me. According to Mary
Jo, she has a history of violence.Copy !req
1105. Who is Mary Jo?Copy !req
1106. Are you getting your information
from a pajama party?Copy !req
1107. Would you shut up?Copy !req
1108. You're shutting up enough
for both of us.Copy !req
1109. - Matthews.
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
1110. Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?Copy !req
1111. No, sir.Copy !req
1112. There.Copy !req
1113. I request permission to stay
with a small contingent.Copy !req
1114. - Denied.
- Then I request permission to stay alone.Copy !req
1115. You know what, I don't care
what you do. You want to stay, stay!Copy !req
1116. But as a private citizen.
Turn in your badge and your gun.Copy !req
1117. Everybody, I suggest we start packing.Copy !req
1118. What?Copy !req
1119. Don't look at me like I betrayed you.Copy !req
1120. Betrayal implies action.
You stood there.Copy !req
1121. You got nothing to go on.Copy !req
1122. I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.Copy !req
1123. But I feel like I'm in the right
place at the right time.Copy !req
1124. I have to protect those girls.
It is my job.Copy !req
1125. Part of it is following orders.Copy !req
1126. The other part is using your brain.
Throw out the rule book...Copy !req
1127. I like the book. I like knowing
what I can and cannot do.Copy !req
1128. You're not the only one who lives
for the job.Copy !req
1129. I want to keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.Copy !req
1130. Jesus, Hart.Copy !req
1131. Give it a rest.Copy !req
1132. Sure, give it a rest.Copy !req
1133. What are you doing?Copy !req
1134. Don't do it.Copy !req
1135. Thank you.Copy !req
1136. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1137. I can't believe it!Copy !req
1138. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
1139. Don't do that!Copy !req
1140. That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.
Your father used to do that.Copy !req
1141. Mom.Copy !req
1142. This isn't gonna work.Copy !req
1143. Honey, of course it's going to work.Copy !req
1144. The feds caught the Citizen.
We have no one to pin it on!Copy !req
1145. Okay, that was bad luck.Copy !req
1146. But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us?Copy !req
1147. "Women's Liberation Front."Copy !req
1148. "Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts
about the swimsuit competition.Copy !req
1149. Any one of these
could have planted a bomb.Copy !req
1150. When did we get those?Copy !req
1151. I just finished writing them.Copy !req
1152. Just like the Citizen letter.Copy !req
1153. You're a genius.Copy !req
1154. No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.Copy !req
1155. Nobody fires me and gets away with it.Copy !req
1156. They want a newer, hotter show...Copy !req
1157. they're gonna get it.Copy !req
1158. Mom, you're a little scary.Copy !req
1159. And you're a little bit sloppy.Copy !req
1160. Tuck your shirt.
I don't want to tell you again.Copy !req
1161. Let's go home, honey.Copy !req
1162. Mom?Copy !req
1163. Oops.Copy !req
1164. What's up?Copy !req
1165. - Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.Copy !req
1166. Okay, Vic. Beautify me.Copy !req
1167. Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever
it is you do. That shiny stuff...Copy !req
1168. Where are you going?Copy !req
1169. Your Agent McDonald insists that I
depart, or I won't be compensated.Copy !req
1170. No. After the top 10!
I am completely on my own.Copy !req
1171. The FBI is gone, it's not fixed.
I need you!Copy !req
1172. Not anymore. The cocoon is open.Copy !req
1173. I've taken a woman
without a smidgen of estrogen...Copy !req
1174. and made her a lady.Copy !req
1175. - Come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.Copy !req
1176. Or...Copy !req
1177. of any girl I have ever coached.Copy !req
1178. You are truly unique.Copy !req
1179. If I ever had a daughter,
I imagine that she would be...Copy !req
1180. something like you.Copy !req
1181. Which is why I never reproduced.Copy !req
1182. I have a really strong feeling
something will happen to these girls.Copy !req
1183. You need to stay for me. Please.Copy !req
1184. I can't.Copy !req
1185. But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.Copy !req
1186. It's your size, I believe.Copy !req
1187. Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1188. It's been a privilege.Copy !req
1189. No insults today?Copy !req
1190. You're a Don Ho.Copy !req
1191. Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't
believe she missed dress rehearsal.Copy !req
1192. Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.Copy !req
1193. We all saw her glasses performance.
She is not making the top 10.Copy !req
1194. I overslept my beauty sleep.Copy !req
1195. - Do you need help?
- No, I'm fine.Copy !req
1196. I wonder which one of these...Copy !req
1197. is lipstick.Copy !req
1198. Ladies!Copy !req
1199. Now, the first thing we need
to deal with...Copy !req
1200. Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving.
Let's go!Copy !req
1201. Looking good, ladies.Copy !req
1202. Will you go back to the mothership?Copy !req
1203. As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.Copy !req
1204. Let's go, Pennsylvania,
New Jersey, Texas...Copy !req
1205. I can't open the goddamn bottle.Copy !req
1206. Frank!Copy !req
1207. Have a good show. You guys excited?Copy !req
1208. Get it.Copy !req
1209. Where are you going?Copy !req
1210. I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.Copy !req
1211. Going live.Copy !req
1212. In five, four, three...Copy !req
1213. It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant...Copy !req
1214. live from San Antonio, Texas!Copy !req
1215. Good. That's the one I use at home.Copy !req
1216. And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!Copy !req
1217. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
1218. And welcome to a night of beauty,
talent and poise.Copy !req
1219. I'm not just talking
about my cohost...Copy !req
1220. Kathy Morningside!Copy !req
1221. - Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.Copy !req
1222. But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence."Copy !req
1223. That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?Copy !req
1224. By helping me to announce
the top 10...Copy !req
1225. chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this week.Copy !req
1226. Here's the envelope.Copy !req
1227. Thank you, Scott.
Ladies, hold your breath.Copy !req
1228. Hawaii!Copy !req
1229. Follow her. Beautiful.
Come in for that reaction.Copy !req
1230. - Go to two.
- Going to two.Copy !req
1231. California!Copy !req
1232. New York!Copy !req
1233. Alaska!Copy !req
1234. Texas!Copy !req
1235. Thank you.Copy !req
1236. New Jersey!Copy !req
1237. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
1238. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1239. That was graceful.Copy !req
1240. That must have hurt.Copy !req
1241. But she's up and at it.Copy !req
1242. And last but not least, Rhode Island.Copy !req
1243. And there they are!
This year's top 10 finalists.Copy !req
1244. Well, the top 10 have been chosen.Copy !req
1245. We'll be right back with tonight's
swimsuit competition.Copy !req
1246. I checked out Kathy Morningside.Copy !req
1247. - Anything?
- Not even a traffic ticket.Copy !req
1248. Model citizen. Beauty contestant,
pageant director, loving mom.Copy !req
1249. - She's married?
- Widow. One son.Copy !req
1250. A sniveling, obsequious
weasel of a human being.Copy !req
1251. - You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.Copy !req
1252. - Her assistant?
- Asshole Frank?Copy !req
1253. One and the same.Copy !req
1254. She never mentioned anything.
Anything come up on the CCH?Copy !req
1255. Nothing on Frank Tobin.Copy !req
1256. There wouldn't be.
His name is Morningside.Copy !req
1257. He changed it to cover
his many indiscretions.Copy !req
1258. Wait. How do you know that?Copy !req
1259. I've been around this pageant
for many years.Copy !req
1260. I could shock you with the intimate
details I'm privy to.Copy !req
1261. Good job! Good jobCopy !req
1262. Keep going, everybody. Keep moving.Copy !req
1263. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1264. I got you something.Copy !req
1265. Oh! Oh.Copy !req
1266. I couldn't...Copy !req
1267. You ate pizza, you stole panties,
you're wild.Copy !req
1268. We worked on this, remember?Copy !req
1269. You're gonna be great.Copy !req
1270. - Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.Copy !req
1271. I'm with him.Copy !req
1272. Gentlemen, you can't go in...Copy !req
1273. Victor!Copy !req
1274. He's with me.Copy !req
1275. Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.Copy !req
1276. Come on, muffin.Copy !req
1277. Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.Copy !req
1278. Now you can wear Satan's panties!Copy !req
1279. Oh, my God, I gotta go on!Copy !req
1280. - Hey, Hart.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
1281. I think you might have been right.
Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.Copy !req
1282. Disgusting, perverted Frank?Copy !req
1283. He cleared under another name.
I ran a new CCH.Copy !req
1284. DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.Copy !req
1285. Are we doing full deployment?Copy !req
1286. McDonald didn't want to hear about it.
It's just us.Copy !req
1287. Interview set change, five minutes.Copy !req
1288. Good show, Mr. Tobin.Copy !req
1289. Get ready.
Interview set change, five minutes.Copy !req
1290. You're up next, New Jersey.Copy !req
1291. I gotta get my glasses.Copy !req
1292. Hey! You're drinking my talent!Copy !req
1293. You got to make it into the top five.Copy !req
1294. - Can you whistle?
- No!Copy !req
1295. - Make hand puppets?
- No!Copy !req
1296. I had a girl who rearranged furniture.Copy !req
1297. You said all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.Copy !req
1298. That and a right hook.Copy !req
1299. And now, the musical stylings
of Gracie Lou Freebush.Copy !req
1300. Good evening.Copy !req
1301. The program says I'm supposed to play
the water glasses for you...Copy !req
1302. but the girls got dehydrated.Copy !req
1303. No water glasses?Copy !req
1304. You want me to go to a commercial?Copy !req
1305. No, stay on her. Go with it.Copy !req
1306. I believe no woman should be without
a basic knowledge of self-defense.Copy !req
1307. So in order to show you this,
I'm gonna need a little help.Copy !req
1308. I would like to bring out
my assistant, Eric Bob.Copy !req
1309. More changes?
Follow her. Stay on her.Copy !req
1310. - how to inflict damage
with the least amount of force.Copy !req
1311. In some cases, your attacker might
come at you in a frontal assault.Copy !req
1312. Use the heel of your hand and thrust.Copy !req
1313. This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...Copy !req
1314. giving you a chance to get away.Copy !req
1315. All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.Copy !req
1316. Attack me!Copy !req
1317. Oh.Copy !req
1318. Little Eric looks a little scared.Copy !req
1319. Maybe he needs a little applause.Copy !req
1320. Yeah! Eric!Copy !req
1321. She's kicking his ass!Copy !req
1322. You were the best queen ever.Copy !req
1323. Thank you, that is so sweet.Copy !req
1324. Ladies, give Lori
some room to breathe.Copy !req
1325. Go on, now.Copy !req
1326. You need some powder.Copy !req
1327. You don't have to hold
the crown all night.Copy !req
1328. My God, that is disgraceful.Copy !req
1329. Frank!Copy !req
1330. Take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to shine.Copy !req
1331. If all else fails, go for the four
sensitive areas of the body.Copy !req
1332. But just remember to "sing."Copy !req
1333. S-l-N-G.Copy !req
1334. Solar plexus, instep...Copy !req
1335. nose, groin!Copy !req
1336. SING.Copy !req
1337. Cue Stan.Copy !req
1338. Whoa.Copy !req
1339. Welcome to the Garden State!Copy !req
1340. When we return, we'll find out
who those lucky final five are.Copy !req
1341. Let's go find Frank.Copy !req
1342. Take left. I'll take this side.Copy !req
1343. No, evening gown. Now.Copy !req
1344. Ladies! In one moment,
five of you...Copy !req
1345. will be one step
closer to the crown.Copy !req
1346. And one of those five...Copy !req
1347. is...Copy !req
1348. California!Copy !req
1349. Leslie Williams is a music major.Copy !req
1350. She believes in the healing power
of music. Loves opera, reggae...Copy !req
1351. and, like any true California girl,
the Beach Boys.Copy !req
1352. Rhode Island!Copy !req
1353. Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
Her field is...Copy !req
1354. nuclear fission with a minor
in elementary particles.Copy !req
1355. Nebraska!Copy !req
1356. For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world is a stage.Copy !req
1357. A theater major...Copy !req
1358. she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.Copy !req
1359. New Jersey!Copy !req
1360. Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
to become a pediatrician.Copy !req
1361. Gracie, it's you. Go!Copy !req
1362. Her hobbies include
figure skating, water ballet...Copy !req
1363. and taking long,
luxurious bubble baths.Copy !req
1364. You go, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1365. And our fifth finalist:Copy !req
1366. Texas!Copy !req
1367. Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.Copy !req
1368. In her spare time,
she works in a homeless shelter...Copy !req
1369. and eats Mexican food.Copy !req
1370. Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.Copy !req
1371. I want all the lesbians to know...Copy !req
1372. if I can make it to the top 10,
so can you!Copy !req
1373. Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!Copy !req
1374. Get her off of there!Copy !req
1375. Go to Stan!Copy !req
1376. Tina, I love you, baby!Copy !req
1377. I love you, Karen!Copy !req
1378. Whoo! Yeah!Copy !req
1379. And we'll be right back with our
final five lesbians. Interviews.Copy !req
1380. Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?Copy !req
1381. You got a problem with that?Copy !req
1382. In a way, America is like a big ship.Copy !req
1383. When we work together
and respect each other...Copy !req
1384. that's when the ship
gets safely home.Copy !req
1385. Terrific answer.Copy !req
1386. Damn it.Copy !req
1387. New Jersey.Copy !req
1388. As you may know,
there are many who consider...Copy !req
1389. the Miss United States pageant
to be outdated and antifeminist.Copy !req
1390. What would you say to them?Copy !req
1391. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1392. I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.Copy !req
1393. And then I came here...Copy !req
1394. and I realized that...Copy !req
1395. these women are smart,
terrific people...Copy !req
1396. who are just trying to make
a difference in the world.Copy !req
1397. We've become really good friends.Copy !req
1398. I know we all secretly hope the other
one will trip and fall on her face...Copy !req
1399. Wait a minute!
I've already done that!Copy !req
1400. For me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding...Copy !req
1401. and liberating experiences
of my life.Copy !req
1402. My God.Copy !req
1403. I did it.Copy !req
1404. And if anyone...Copy !req
1405. anyone...Copy !req
1406. tries to hurt one
of my new friends...Copy !req
1407. I would take them out.Copy !req
1408. I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.Copy !req
1409. And if they ran,
I would hunt them down.Copy !req
1410. Thank you, Kathy.Copy !req
1411. A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.Copy !req
1412. Helps if you pull it out.Copy !req
1413. Good luck, ladies.Copy !req
1414. Where's the crown?
I wanted to rub it for luck.Copy !req
1415. Frank took it to get it polished.Copy !req
1416. I'll have it by the time
they announce the winner.Copy !req
1417. My God! It's the crown!Copy !req
1418. Yes, it is. You can taste it now...Copy !req
1419. No, no, no!Copy !req
1420. It goes Texas, Rhode Island
and New Jersey. Let's go.Copy !req
1421. Not the...
This. In the...Copy !req
1422. Finale positions.Copy !req
1423. Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown.
You are the crown.Copy !req
1424. And now, the moment
of truth and beauty.Copy !req
1425. The envelope, please.Copy !req
1426. What?Copy !req
1427. A lot of tension.Copy !req
1428. The fourth runner-up is...Copy !req
1429. California!Copy !req
1430. The third runner-up is...Copy !req
1431. Nebraska!Copy !req
1432. - Am I in danger here?
- Wait here.Copy !req
1433. The second runner-up is Texas!Copy !req
1434. Drop it!Copy !req
1435. I mean it! Drop it!Copy !req
1436. This is it.Copy !req
1437. The moment.Copy !req
1438. One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.Copy !req
1439. Listen to me!Copy !req
1440. I'm gonna reach for my badge, slow.Copy !req
1441. You do, and you're dead.Copy !req
1442. The first runner-up...Copy !req
1443. who will have to take the winner's
place if, for any reason...Copy !req
1444. she cannot fulfill her duties is:Copy !req
1445. New Jersey! Which means...Copy !req
1446. our new Miss United States is:Copy !req
1447. Don't take the crown.Copy !req
1448. Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!Copy !req
1449. - Don't take the crown. Trust me.
- I can't hear you. What?Copy !req
1450. She reigns over all she seesCopy !req
1451. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
1452. She's queen of 50 states
She's elegance and tasteCopy !req
1453. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
1454. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1455. Go ahead, hold your crown up highCopy !req
1456. Raise it to the skyCopy !req
1457. Jersey's gone berserk!Copy !req
1458. Get her off the stage!Copy !req
1459. Get away! Get away!Copy !req
1460. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1461. Raise it to the skyCopy !req
1462. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1463. She stands for all that's goodCopy !req
1464. She loves her neighborhoodCopy !req
1465. She's friends with everyone she meetsCopy !req
1466. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
1467. She's queen of 50 statesCopy !req
1468. She's elegance and tasteCopy !req
1469. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
1470. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1471. Gracie!Copy !req
1472. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1473. She's Miss United States.Copy !req
1474. Okay.Copy !req
1475. Good show, everybody.Copy !req
1476. - I was right in the middle of my song!
- There she is!Copy !req
1477. You got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.Copy !req
1478. Where you're going, they'd love
to meet a former beauty queen.Copy !req
1479. When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.Copy !req
1480. Miss Hart, you don't understand.Copy !req
1481. All I'm guilty of is trying to make
the world a more beautiful place.Copy !req
1482. Look at yourself.Copy !req
1483. When I met you, Dennis Rodman
looked better in a dress.Copy !req
1484. But now you're a lady! I did that.Copy !req
1485. Vic did that, and a team of highly
specialized federal manicurists...Copy !req
1486. and people who make you beautiful.Copy !req
1487. Get in the car.Copy !req
1488. You think you saved something.Copy !req
1489. All you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over the country.Copy !req
1490. Their dream is to get blown up?Copy !req
1491. You got a good shot
at that insanity plea.Copy !req
1492. I earned it!Copy !req
1493. Years of bitching beauty
queens and what do I get?Copy !req
1494. Fired! They steal my life,
they steal my beauty pageant.Copy !req
1495. Hey! It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.Copy !req
1496. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1497. "Yes."Copy !req
1498. Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!Copy !req
1499. - Get it? The Women's Correctional...
- Hey.Copy !req
1500. That was good work.Copy !req
1501. Right back at you.Copy !req
1502. So, how does it feel?Copy !req
1503. Throwing the rule book
out of the window?Copy !req
1504. Pretty good, actually.Copy !req
1505. I was thinking...Copy !req
1506. when we get back...Copy !req
1507. after we write up our reports
and you get all ugly again...Copy !req
1508. maybe we could have dinner?Copy !req
1509. What? You asking me out on a date?Copy !req
1510. No. Just a casual dinner.Copy !req
1511. If we happen to have sex afterwards,
so be it.Copy !req
1512. You think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
1513. You want to date me...Copy !req
1514. love me and marry me.Copy !req
1515. A part of you is gonna miss this.Copy !req
1516. The heels.
They do something for my posture.Copy !req
1517. I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.Copy !req
1518. - Funny, me too.
- Agent Matthews! Gracie!Copy !req
1519. Thank God you're still here.Copy !req
1520. There's been an emergency.Copy !req
1521. Somebody found some
sort of incendiary device.Copy !req
1522. Come on, quickly!Copy !req
1523. Excuse me. FBI.Copy !req
1524. She saved the pageant,
she saved our lives, and here she is!Copy !req
1525. That's not gonna work for me.Copy !req
1526. I can't go up there!Copy !req
1527. It was his idea, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1528. I'd never get you here unless
you could shoot someone.Copy !req
1529. You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.Copy !req
1530. Come on.Copy !req
1531. Come on!Copy !req
1532. Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!Copy !req
1533. Not so fast!Copy !req
1534. Because even though
you're a federal officer...Copy !req
1535. to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.Copy !req
1536. The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant...Copy !req
1537. and this year's Miss Congeniality!Copy !req
1538. I, uh...Copy !req
1539. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
1540. Except for...Copy !req
1541. I can't wear this at work.Copy !req
1542. I never thought anything like
this would happen to me.Copy !req
1543. I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
But now that it has...Copy !req
1544. I just want to say that...Copy !req
1545. I'm very...Copy !req
1546. very honored.Copy !req
1547. And...Copy !req
1548. moved.Copy !req
1549. And...Copy !req
1550. truly touched.Copy !req
1551. And...Copy !req
1552. I really do want world peace.Copy !req