1. They're fighting again!Copy !req
2. Oh, boy.Copy !req
3. Don't! Wait! Not my homework!Copy !req
4. No! Stop it! No!Copy !req
5. Problem, gentlemen?Copy !req
6. Hey, dork-brain!Copy !req
7. If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.Copy !req
8. You're calling me a girl?Copy !req
9. You called me one!Copy !req
10. You asked for it.Copy !req
11. Ow!Copy !req
12. Now get out of here!Copy !req
13. Forget those guys.Copy !req
14. They're jealous because you're
smart and funny.Copy !req
15. And girls like that.Copy !req
16. What girls?Copy !req
17. Lots of girls.Copy !req
18. I mean... I like you.Copy !req
19. I don't like you. Now everybody
thinks I need a girl to fight for me.Copy !req
20. You are a dork-brain.Copy !req
21. My nose!Copy !req
22. Wimp!Copy !req
23. Moe and Larry in the house.Copy !req
24. Grant, what have we got out back?Copy !req
25. All clear here, sir.Copy !req
26. Matthews, what do you got?Copy !req
27. Returnable cans, sir.Copy !req
28. I think I'm up to 75 cents.Copy !req
29. Hey, we got a cab.Copy !req
30. Here comes Curly.Copy !req
31. Yep, the Three Stooges.Copy !req
32. Check it out, Ivan's packing.Copy !req
33. Thank you! We've got a briefcase.Copy !req
34. Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.Copy !req
35. No disc yet.Copy !req
36. Case is opening.Copy !req
37. This woman's ass is in the way.Copy !req
38. Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing.
We need to see the discs.Copy !req
39. This broad's got two asses!
Hart, do something!Copy !req
40. Excuse me.Copy !req
41. You wanting something else?Copy !req
42. Yeah. You know what?
I really love this borscht.Copy !req
43. Or, as they say in Russian:Copy !req
44. - All right, Hart. We got the discs.
- We're moving in!Copy !req
45. FBI! Get down on the ground! Now!Copy !req
46. - Get down on the ground!
- Do it!Copy !req
47. Keep your hands where I can see them!Copy !req
48. No English.Copy !req
49. Hart! Nobody moves until I see
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!Copy !req
50. Sir, he's turning purple!Copy !req
51. Hart, until we secure, you stay.Copy !req
52. - Sir.
- Hart!Copy !req
53. Sir, that is one really, really
purple Russian, sir!Copy !req
54. He's still armed! Nobody moves!Copy !req
55. Hands up! Back off! Back off!Copy !req
56. - No, sir. He's not gonna die.
- Hart!Copy !req
57. He's not good enough for that.Copy !req
58. His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?Copy !req
59. Now you're going down.Copy !req
60. Drop the guns or I'll kill her.Copy !req
61. Lvan, out the back.Copy !req
62. You're not killing anyone,
you peanut-eating bastard.Copy !req
63. Step back!Copy !req
64. Move it! Move it!Copy !req
65. Party's over, boys.Copy !req
66. How's your head, my little piroshki?Copy !req
67. This is gonna put you away
for a long time. You know that?Copy !req
68. Let's get that ambulance in here!Copy !req
69. - Shut up!
Stay with me, all right?Copy !req
70. - I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry. You did a great job!Copy !req
71. Nice work. See you back there, okay?Copy !req
72. Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.Copy !req
73. I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.Copy !req
74. Come on, you made a choice.Copy !req
75. It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.Copy !req
76. By the way, you look like hell.Copy !req
77. - Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
- Good morning, Gracie.Copy !req
78. Hart.Copy !req
79. Yes, sir.Copy !req
80. ETA, 20 minutes.Copy !req
81. No problem. Breakdown?Copy !req
82. Yes, sir. Negative.
Do not need assistance.Copy !req
83. Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot.Copy !req
84. Hey, you cannot park...Copy !req
85. It's an emergency. Official business.Copy !req
86. Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you.Copy !req
87. Official business, sir.
Emergency. Step aside.Copy !req
88. Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.Copy !req
89. FBI. You might want
to stay out of this.Copy !req
90. Excuse me.
Sir, ma'am, please back off.Copy !req
91. All right. I need eight double-tall...Copy !req
92. Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.Copy !req
93. Five decaf lattes with a long straw.Copy !req
94. Four caramel macchiattos. Double up
on the cup. I got a long way to go.Copy !req
95. Two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top...Copy !req
96. and one Starbucks compilation CD.Copy !req
97. - No! I would like...
- Oh, jeez.Copy !req
98. What's going on? Where's McDonald?Copy !req
99. Could we put out an APB
on my Frappuccino?Copy !req
100. It's in the bag. Did he say anything
about last night?Copy !req
101. Relax. Don't annoy him.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.Copy !req
102. I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?Copy !req
103. I might have a heated discussion
with somebody.Copy !req
104. Is this you not arguing?
Because you suck at it.Copy !req
105. Morning, everybody.Copy !req
106. Morning, sir. It's...Copy !req
107. Sir.Copy !req
108. Okay, everybody.Copy !req
109. I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.Copy !req
110. So I'm happy to report...Copy !req
111. Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be
out of the hospital in two weeks.Copy !req
112. He says he's expecting lots of gifts.Copy !req
113. Okay, everybody.Copy !req
114. So much for the good news. We got
another letter from the Citizen.Copy !req
115. Arson, explosives, poison...Copy !req
116. this guy never works
the same way twice.Copy !req
117. The only thing we know for sure...Copy !req
118. is, we get these letters full
of incomprehensible riddles...Copy !req
119. he strikes and suddenly
the clues make sense.Copy !req
120. This one is down in Intelligence.Copy !req
121. Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.Copy !req
122. In the meantime...Copy !req
123. Matthews, get a team together.Copy !req
124. Sir, you want me to take point?Copy !req
125. For five years you've wanted it.Copy !req
126. Last night, you earned it.
Pick your team.Copy !req
127. I want preliminaries by 3.
That's it.Copy !req
128. Sir...?Copy !req
129. Who's buying me lunch?Copy !req
130. Sir, I would like to talk
about what happened last night.Copy !req
131. I didn't exactly follow orders...Copy !req
132. "Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.Copy !req
133. You follow orders or you don't.Copy !req
134. No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.Copy !req
135. Until the hearing,
you're out of the field.Copy !req
136. The hearing is totally warranted.Copy !req
137. Wouldn't I be better
on the Citizen case?Copy !req
138. I have a background
in profiling and decoding.Copy !req
139. - No.
- I could contribute.Copy !req
140. Like you contributed last night?Copy !req
141. By putting yourself
and five agents in jeopardy?Copy !req
142. I'll save the rest
for the review board.Copy !req
143. You will bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.Copy !req
144. Discussion is over.Copy !req
145. Mike, give me a pint.Copy !req
146. Rough day?Copy !req
147. The worst.Copy !req
148. Sure you want a whole one?Copy !req
149. Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.Copy !req
150. Hey, Einstein. If you figure out
that Citizen letter, let me know.Copy !req
151. Congratulations on the op.
It's a big shot.Copy !req
152. Thanks.Copy !req
153. How are you doing? You okay?Copy !req
154. I'm good.Copy !req
155. You're starting early today.Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
Want to join me?Copy !req
157. I'd love to, but I have
a pressing social engagement.Copy !req
158. Beth!Copy !req
159. Brownie meeting.Copy !req
160. - Mike, give me a beer and...
- Um...Copy !req
161. Milk. Give her milk.Copy !req
162. White wine spritzer.Copy !req
163. Are most of the people in here agents?Copy !req
164. As a matter of fact, here's
an agent. Gracie Hart.Copy !req
165. Beth Carter.Copy !req
166. Right back to you.Copy !req
167. Beth is an undergrad at Vassar,
doing a paper on law enforcement.Copy !req
168. I'm helping her get an inside look.Copy !req
169. I bet she'll do the same for you.Copy !req
170. Gracie, I would love to get
a woman's point of view.Copy !req
171. You're barking up the wrong tree.
Right, Hart?Copy !req
172. Do all the women have to wear
those really masculine shoes?Copy !req
173. I get these made special by the guy
that put the tattoo on my ass.Copy !req
174. We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry.
Catch you later.Copy !req
175. - Nice meeting you.
- You too.Copy !req
176. Hope you have a good time at the mall.Copy !req
177. Wohop is the place.Copy !req
178. Wohop is good, but if you like
variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.Copy !req
179. Their rice and beans are slamming.Copy !req
180. I don't want variety.
I get pork fried rice every...Copy !req
181. I figured it out! I tried to create
a content-based pattern...Copy !req
182. similar to his previous letters.Copy !req
183. But this time, he used a signifier.Copy !req
184. In this case, the word "miss"...Copy !req
185. in the subsequent letters.
Will you let me finish?Copy !req
186. It's the Miss United States Pageant.Copy !req
187. Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.Copy !req
188. What do we got?Copy !req
189. Miss United States from San Antonio,
Texas, home of the Alamo.Copy !req
190. I forgot the Alamo.Copy !req
191. The pageant lasts three days.
Preliminaries, conferences...Copy !req
192. the live telecast.
It's a logistical nightmare.Copy !req
193. Not just a babe-fest.Copy !req
194. Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.Copy !req
195. Okay, gentlemen.Copy !req
196. Where do we start?Copy !req
197. I got a cousin in Texas.Copy !req
198. You might want to call the network and
pageant people. Set up a meeting.Copy !req
199. Because you'll probably need
their cooperation.Copy !req
200. Yeah.Copy !req
201. Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.Copy !req
202. What about jurisdiction?Copy !req
203. The Citizen has been ours
from the start.Copy !req
204. You might want to call San Antonio.Copy !req
205. Grease some wheels so they like us...Copy !req
206. when we need manpower and tech.Copy !req
207. While I'm at it, let's do that.Copy !req
208. Good idea.Copy !req
209. He loves to make a splash.
His target will be public...Copy !req
210. like one of these outdoor prelims
or a TV broadcast.Copy !req
211. Telecasters at the convention center.Copy !req
212. We're gonna need surveillance
on the interior perimeter.Copy !req
213. We'll need more.
There's a million places...Copy !req
214. only these bikini-stuffers can go:
Backstage areas, hotel rooms...Copy !req
215. We need to get somebody in there.Copy !req
216. Yeah! Now I'm thinking...Copy !req
217. undercover.Copy !req
218. Good idea, boss.Copy !req
219. I got just the girl.Copy !req
220. - Huh? Huh?
- All right.Copy !req
221. That's nothing. Check this out.Copy !req
222. Compliments of my daughter:
The "Dress Up Sally" web site.Copy !req
223. What did I tell you? Hot, right?Copy !req
224. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
225. You got a little problem.Copy !req
226. She's perfect!Copy !req
227. Look to the left.Copy !req
228. Down... down...Copy !req
229. There you go.
"On maternity leave"?Copy !req
230. That's not gonna work.Copy !req
231. Not unless it's
"The Miss Lamaze Pageant. "Copy !req
232. Can you do a search?Copy !req
233. Female field agents under 35.Copy !req
234. Jensen, Jensen!Copy !req
235. Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it!Copy !req
236. Oh, no!Copy !req
237. That's right, that's right!Copy !req
238. You think that's good?
Check this out.Copy !req
239. I got the winner right here.Copy !req
240. Scorekeepers ready?Copy !req
241. This is the best part.Copy !req
242. Oh!Copy !req
243. He's right behind me, isn't he?Copy !req
244. Not really my color, is it?Copy !req
245. Sir, we were just...Copy !req
246. looking for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.Copy !req
247. And I'm the best we have.Copy !req
248. It doesn't inspire much confidence.Copy !req
249. Get back to work.Copy !req
250. - Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
251. You don't say anything?
Made me look like an idiot.Copy !req
252. Do I have eyes in the back of my head?Copy !req
253. - He was standing right behind me.
- What were we gonna say?Copy !req
254. - What?
This one.Copy !req
255. Are you kidding? It's Hart.Copy !req
256. Cut it off. Let's go back to work.Copy !req
257. Very funny.Copy !req
258. Hold on. That's not bad.Copy !req
259. Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button
because you won't see that again.Copy !req
260. - What do you say?
- No freaking way.Copy !req
261. Why not?Copy !req
262. I won't parade around in a swimsuit
like some bimbo...Copy !req
263. named Gracie Lou Freebush,
and all she wants is world peace.Copy !req
264. It wouldn't be like that.Copy !req
265. You'd be on the undercover team.Copy !req
266. Right. In a thong.Copy !req
267. In a tasteful one-piece!Copy !req
268. You do a few butt-shaping exercises...Copy !req
269. you could pull this off.Copy !req
270. You know what? Pull this off.Copy !req
271. Is it because McDonald hates me?Copy !req
272. Or is it, like, a woman thing?Copy !req
273. Don't kid yourself.
Nobody thinks of you that way.Copy !req
274. He's punishing me, isn't he?Copy !req
275. I had to beg him to let you do this.Copy !req
276. That's right. Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.Copy !req
277. Sit down, sit down.Copy !req
278. I've never been in a beauty pageant.Copy !req
279. I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.Copy !req
280. Ow, Jesus. Oh.Copy !req
281. Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?Copy !req
282. Let's suspend reality for a second...Copy !req
283. and pretend I said yes.Copy !req
284. I got to do everything? Like...Copy !req
285. the whole big hair
and the makeup and...Copy !req
286. Damn right.Copy !req
287. The spinning, the twirling, the
smiling, the cute little tap number.Copy !req
288. Hundred bucks on Matthews.Copy !req
289. I don't know. She's got rage.Copy !req
290. I'll take that bet.Copy !req
291. - That's right. That's right.
- Yeah!Copy !req
292. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
293. So you're saying...Copy !req
294. I have to wear the bathing suit?Copy !req
295. Yeah, you have
to wear the bathing suit.Copy !req
296. Okay.Copy !req
297. You go, girl.Copy !req
298. Where am I gonna put my gun?Copy !req
299. No place I want to know about.Copy !req
300. What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant?Copy !req
301. Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world...Copy !req
302. broaden your horizons...Copy !req
303. So join the Marines. It's like
feminism never even happened.Copy !req
304. Any woman that does this is catering
to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.Copy !req
305. I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.Copy !req
306. Can you really be this superficial?Copy !req
307. Hard to believe, right?Copy !req
308. Here we are.Copy !req
309. Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.Copy !req
310. Am I hearing this correctly?Copy !req
311. Kathy, these people want
to put one of their agents...Copy !req
312. in the pageant.Copy !req
313. They want her to win?Copy !req
314. No, ma'am.Copy !req
315. We will need your help
with the judging...Copy !req
316. so our agent is in the top five...Copy !req
317. to have access to
all the areas at all times.Copy !req
318. - Absolutely not.
Miss Morningside...Copy !req
319. we understand how important
this beauty pageant...Copy !req
320. Excuse me.Copy !req
321. This is not a beauty pageant.Copy !req
322. This is a scholarship program.Copy !req
323. And it has been ever since my reign.Copy !req
324. I fully intend on maintaining
that credo.Copy !req
325. Absolutely, Miss Morningside.Copy !req
326. We're here to protect the girls.
Women.Copy !req
327. Scholarship ladies.Copy !req
328. There's nothing more important to me
than the safety of my girls.Copy !req
329. I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have them blown up.Copy !req
330. Especially without their knowledge.Copy !req
331. We went to the network to cancel,
but they refused.Copy !req
332. We can't force them.Copy !req
333. I'm confused.Copy !req
334. What state is she going to be from?Copy !req
335. All the winners have been chosen.Copy !req
336. We recently discovered some
information about Miss New Jersey.Copy !req
337. And her performance in a little
film called Arma Get It On.Copy !req
338. Was that her?Copy !req
339. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
340. She was gonna drop out pretty soon,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
341. Do you have an agent in mind?Copy !req
342. Sorry.Copy !req
343. Let me get you
Victor Melling's number.Copy !req
344. Frank.Copy !req
345. He's our pageant consultant.Copy !req
346. Frank.Copy !req
347. Maybe he can do something to help.Copy !req
348. Frank!Copy !req
349. Oh! Just one minute.Copy !req
350. This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.Copy !req
351. Hi, everyone.Copy !req
352. Would you get these people
Victor's number, please?Copy !req
353. And get me a spring water.Copy !req
354. And tuck in your shirt.Copy !req
355. That, that was... a water for you...Copy !req
356. and...Copy !req
357. Victor Melling's number.Copy !req
358. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
359. Mr. Melling.Copy !req
360. How are you?Copy !req
361. If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.Copy !req
362. I'm having a bad hair day.Copy !req
363. Bad hair decade, really.Copy !req
364. I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.Copy !req
365. Your hair is perfect.Copy !req
366. However, I can't accept this job.Copy !req
367. There's no way I can make
this woman ready in two days.Copy !req
368. Please, Mr. Melling,
give it a chance. Sit down.Copy !req
369. Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.Copy !req
370. I suppose that would be
the civilized thing to do.Copy !req
371. I'll take a rain check.
I got to take care of some FBI stuff.Copy !req
372. That thing I told you
about that I gotta do.Copy !req
373. But I'll see you later.
We'll hang out. You like caps?Copy !req
374. I'll get you an official FBI cap.Copy !req
375. See you later.Copy !req
376. What a pity.Copy !req
377. - Are you hungry?
- Yeah.Copy !req
378. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
379. It is always "yes,"
never "yeah. " Sit down.Copy !req
380. Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.Copy !req
381. Do you understand?Copy !req
382. Watch the hands, garçon.Copy !req
383. - Excuse me.
It's all right.Copy !req
384. I have a feeling we're going to need
a drop cloth later.Copy !req
385. Could I have another
cabernet sauvignon?Copy !req
386. Another keg for you?Copy !req
387. - I'm good, thanks.
That's okay, Philip.Copy !req
388. So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?Copy !req
389. I'm sorry?Copy !req
390. What was the question? I was
distracted by a half-masticated cow...Copy !req
391. rolling around
in your wide-open trap.Copy !req
392. Excuse me? What is your problem?Copy !req
393. - Problem?
- Yeah.Copy !req
394. I mean, yes.
Have I offended you in some way?Copy !req
395. You've been completely antagonistic
to me from the second I walked in.Copy !req
396. I was once the most
sought-after, highly paid...Copy !req
397. consultant in pageant history.Copy !req
398. I had no idea.Copy !req
399. Every season, girls would plead
with me to train them.Copy !req
400. Ten out of 11 years...Copy !req
401. my girls were crowned.Copy !req
402. The year we lost,
the winner was a deaf-mute.Copy !req
403. You can't beat that.Copy !req
404. Then...Copy !req
405. in '96...Copy !req
406. my girl froze like a puddle halfway
through her aria from La Bohème.Copy !req
407. Afterwards, she told
a reporter from Pageant Magazine...Copy !req
408. that I was a perfectionist...Copy !req
409. who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.Copy !req
410. Of course,
after that article came out...Copy !req
411. nobody wanted me.Copy !req
412. Okay. With all due respect here...Copy !req
413. why did Miss Morningside
suggest you?Copy !req
414. Because I am the best.Copy !req
415. Or perhaps it's because everyone else
worth having had a contestant.Copy !req
416. They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.Copy !req
417. Spunky Western cowgirls.Copy !req
418. And I have...Copy !req
419. Dirty Harriet.Copy !req
420. Will you desist?Copy !req
421. Yeah.Copy !req
422. Yes.Copy !req
423. Oh, my God.Copy !req
424. I haven't seen a walk like that
since Jurassic Park.Copy !req
425. It's been working really well for me
for the past 30 years, all right?Copy !req
426. Well, glide, now. Glide.Copy !req
427. Don't look down, don't look down.Copy !req
428. Don't look down, look up. Your chin
should be parallel to the floor.Copy !req
429. Now glide. Glide.Copy !req
430. It's not the bloody Ice Capades.Copy !req
431. Gliding.Copy !req
432. No, no. Don't pick your feet up.
Don't pick your feet up.Copy !req
433. Why are you picking your feet up?Copy !req
434. Because I'm preparing to run away.Copy !req
435. - No, wait. Wait.
- What?Copy !req
436. Watch me.Copy !req
437. Glide. Glide.Copy !req
438. See? Glide.Copy !req
439. It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?Copy !req
440. It takes a very secure man
to walk like that.Copy !req
441. Roll your hips.Copy !req
442. Head up, head up. Keep gliding...Copy !req
443. I'm gliding here!Copy !req
444. What are you, blind?Copy !req
445. Asshole.Copy !req
446. Look how she walks. She's floating.Copy !req
447. Lightly ascending
from cloud to cloud...Copy !req
448. towards heaven.Copy !req
449. He takes one look at that fake rack...Copy !req
450. he's gonna send her right back.Copy !req
451. Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"Copy !req
452. I am somewhat less than amused.Copy !req
453. How's she doing?Copy !req
454. With some intensive work...Copy !req
455. she'll be ready for the world's
finest trailer park.Copy !req
456. Thank you!Copy !req
457. Both painful...Copy !req
458. and grotesque.Copy !req
459. Isn't it?Copy !req
460. Oh, my God!Copy !req
461. Mr. Vic, we got everything
you asked for. Where do we start?Copy !req
462. Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.Copy !req
463. Which one first?Copy !req
464. What are you gonna do to my teeth?Copy !req
465. Hopefully, remove the beer
stains and steak residue.Copy !req
466. Can't I get some Novocain?Copy !req
467. It's only a cleaning.Copy !req
468. Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?Copy !req
469. Your hair should make a statement.Copy !req
470. As long as it's not,
"Thanks for the Country Music Award. "Copy !req
471. You'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.Copy !req
472. No mercy.Copy !req
473. Can I borrow that drill?Copy !req
474. Attention. Attention.Copy !req
475. All hair removal units,
wax, electrolysis, laser...Copy !req
476. to commence at 2300 hours.Copy !req
477. Hello. Ah!Copy !req
478. Bikini wax.Copy !req
479. How you doing?Copy !req
480. Ever seen one this big?Copy !req
481. Sandwich, I mean.Copy !req
482. That's a lot of meat.Copy !req
483. Thank you!Copy !req
484. Nobody said this job was easy.Copy !req
485. Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
486. This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies.Copy !req
487. I don't need it. With all this foil,
I'm getting HBO.Copy !req
488. This is a pin camera.Copy !req
489. There's an actual lens in there.Copy !req
490. It provides a digital video
feed to our hookups.Copy !req
491. Here's your new IDs.Copy !req
492. Pageant identity.Copy !req
493. Gracie Lou Freebush?Copy !req
494. I remembered you liked that.Copy !req
495. Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.Copy !req
496. More... fluffy.Copy !req
497. Eyebrows. There should be two.Copy !req
498. Another two coats. And a sealant.Copy !req
499. Unbelievable.Copy !req
500. Where the hell is she? What could
possibly be taking this long?Copy !req
501. Hart, is that you?Copy !req
502. I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
I haven't slept...Copy !req
503. I'm starved and I'm armed.
Don't mess with me.Copy !req
504. Ooh.Copy !req
505. I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.Copy !req
506. Yeah, that's her.
Mr. Vic, nice work!Copy !req
507. Thank you.Copy !req
508. My God, I'm good.Copy !req
509. Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.Copy !req
510. "Operation Thong" has commenced.Copy !req
511. Why don't you stun-gun yourself?Copy !req
512. I knew she'd like that one.Copy !req
513. Victor?Copy !req
514. Try not to speak.Copy !req
515. Victor!Copy !req
516. Miss Morningside, if it's possible...Copy !req
517. you look more radiant than ever.Copy !req
518. Then I guess it's possible.
Hello.Copy !req
519. Hi.Copy !req
520. Miss Hart?Copy !req
521. I mean, Miss Freebush.Copy !req
522. Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.Copy !req
523. You look absolutely perfect.Copy !req
524. And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.Copy !req
525. You'll take the bags to the room?Copy !req
526. It's been a while
since you've been with us...Copy !req
527. but you remember
how everything goes.Copy !req
528. One little mistake
and I'm a bloody bellhop.Copy !req
529. Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!Copy !req
530. Washington. Nice apples.Copy !req
531. Original. You come up with that
all by yourself?Copy !req
532. - Miss Freebush!
- I got it. I got it.Copy !req
533. New Jersey? Welcome.Copy !req
534. Who's she?
Have you seen her before?Copy !req
535. Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.Copy !req
536. Thanks.Copy !req
537. - I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island.
- Hi, I'm...Copy !req
538. Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized
the orientation pamphlet.Copy !req
539. I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.Copy !req
540. Fifty, including myself.Copy !req
541. Your picture wasn't there, so I knew
it was you from your lack of picture.Copy !req
542. How about a little song for the drive?Copy !req
543. I think you know the one I mean.Copy !req
544. From sea to shining seaCopy !req
545. Like Lady LibertyCopy !req
546. She reigns over all she seesCopy !req
547. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
548. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
549. Entering Barbie-town.Copy !req
550. We're up and running.Copy !req
551. I love my job!Copy !req
552. - Not a bad view.
- Not at all.Copy !req
553. There's our table!Copy !req
554. I got here three days early
so I could...Copy !req
555. Look at all the hoochie mama!Copy !req
556. Not the pastry!Copy !req
557. Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.Copy !req
558. Karen Krantz, New York.Copy !req
559. What's up, Jersey?Copy !req
560. - Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.Copy !req
561. Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- Hi.Copy !req
562. - I like that!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
563. Leslie Davis, California.Copy !req
564. Hey, girl.Copy !req
565. And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.Copy !req
566. Aloha.Copy !req
567. Aloha to you too!Copy !req
568. I want you all to know, I believe what
it says on the sign at the Alamodome.Copy !req
569. We are all winners.Copy !req
570. Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?Copy !req
571. Most important, we're getting our
issues out there for people to hear.Copy !req
572. And it's an honor
to have made it this far.Copy !req
573. Especially when you're
from a small state...Copy !req
574. That's so true!Copy !req
575. - Us Rhode Islanders...
- I wasn't finished.Copy !req
576. Did it sound like I was?Copy !req
577. I'm sorry.Copy !req
578. Why are you apologizing to her?Copy !req
579. She's been drinking
too much Coppertone.Copy !req
580. - Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I am.Copy !req
581. In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"
for hello and goodbye?Copy !req
582. So?Copy !req
583. If you're on the phone with
someone who won't stop talking...Copy !req
584. and you say "aloha,"
don't they start again?Copy !req
585. At least she thinks I'm funny.Copy !req
586. Hart? Hart, do you copy?Copy !req
587. - What's up?
- I don't know. It's not working.Copy !req
588. - It worked five minutes ago.
- Who put it together?Copy !req
589. Check one, check one...Copy !req
590. Thank you so much. Thank you.Copy !req
591. For the past 21 years...Copy !req
592. it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.Copy !req
593. And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!Copy !req
594. Couple of geniuses I'm working with.Copy !req
595. After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
you can settle into your rooms.Copy !req
596. Tomorrow we will
begin the preliminaries...Copy !req
597. hosted by our
master of ceremonies...Copy !req
598. an American institution,
Stan Fields.Copy !req
599. Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!Copy !req
600. Let's go! Get it back online!Copy !req
601. We're working on it.
We're trying.Copy !req
602. Thank you, Kathy.Copy !req
603. Isn't she ravishing?Copy !req
604. How does she do it?Copy !req
605. I look in the mirror and say,
"Who's that old man in my pajamas?"Copy !req
606. And even though I'll be
retiring this year...Copy !req
607. Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.Copy !req
608. That's so sad. He's retiring.Copy !req
609. He's not retiring.Copy !req
610. I spoke to him this morning,
and he blurted it out.Copy !req
611. They're firing him, going
for someone newer and younger.Copy !req
612. I hope it's Ricky Martin.Copy !req
613. Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
614. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
615. Oh.Copy !req
616. Oh, I uh...Copy !req
617. I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.Copy !req
618. Dear Jesus, please forgive me...Copy !req
619. for not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.Copy !req
620. Thank you very much.Copy !req
621. Amen.Copy !req
622. - Hi!
- Hi.Copy !req
623. I hope I'm not disturbing you.Copy !req
624. Oh, no, I was just, you know...Copy !req
625. grooming.Copy !req
626. I made some of my famous
hot chocolate.Copy !req
627. Oh, um...Copy !req
628. My roommate's asleep,
or she's starting to mold.Copy !req
629. But do you want to come in?Copy !req
630. I asked some of the other girls...Copy !req
631. but when they heard "chocolate"
they slammed their doors.Copy !req
632. They didn't give me a chance
to say "nonfat. "Copy !req
633. Well, here's to...Copy !req
634. world peace.Copy !req
635. World peace.Copy !req
636. Hot.Copy !req
637. I'm sorry.Copy !req
638. I have to tell you...Copy !req
639. I thought it was really great
how you settled that argument today.Copy !req
640. "Aloha, aloha. "Copy !req
641. That's why you're gonna win.Copy !req
642. You're so clever.Copy !req
643. You should tell jokes for your talent.
What is your talent?Copy !req
644. It's... It's kind of like...Copy !req
645. It's, you know,
it's like a surprise.Copy !req
646. - Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
647. But don't worry,
it's nothing embarrassing.Copy !req
648. Not anything like baton twirling
or anything.Copy !req
649. So, what's your talent?Copy !req
650. Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.Copy !req
651. Twirling can be a real art.Copy !req
652. I saw this cheerleader doing it
at a football game.Copy !req
653. She lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance.Copy !req
654. I wish I could do something like that.Copy !req
655. Why can't you?Copy !req
656. My parents don't like
anything ostentatious.Copy !req
657. And they really don't like fire.Copy !req
658. Cheryl, I think you have as good
a chance as anyone to win.Copy !req
659. You believe in yourself
to have gotten this far, right?Copy !req
660. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
661. You're so nice and so smart
and so sensitive.Copy !req
662. You're definitely gonna win.Copy !req
663. That's it.Copy !req
664. Excuse me. I am in the middle
of a REM cycle over here.Copy !req
665. - Sorry.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
666. Yes.Copy !req
667. Not happening.Copy !req
668. - What?
- You took your earpiece out.Copy !req
669. - Vic needs you.
- Now?Copy !req
670. - I haven't slept in two days!
- I'll give you a cookie.Copy !req
671. It better be a big one.Copy !req
672. You don't walk, you float.Copy !req
673. Gently descending,
you don't look down.Copy !req
674. Go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?Copy !req
675. Thighs touching...Copy !req
676. - Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.Copy !req
677. There's a gap between knees and calves,
your calves and your ankles.Copy !req
678. Right now there's a huge gap between
my brain and my spinal cord.Copy !req
679. Here. Take these.Copy !req
680. What, no armored car?Copy !req
681. That would be in my other dress.Copy !req
682. What are you planning to do
for your talent? Sing? Dance?Copy !req
683. Chew with your mouth closed?Copy !req
684. I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.Copy !req
685. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
686. Agent Matthews!Copy !req
687. - This woman has no talent!
- Don't shout it in front of her.Copy !req
688. I wasn't told to provide a talent.
I can't do so in the next five hours!Copy !req
689. Wait a minute.Copy !req
690. What are you talking about?Copy !req
691. She'll be on-stage
with nothing to do...Copy !req
692. but convert oxygen
into carbon dioxide!Copy !req
693. You said you couldn't make her pretty
in two days, but she's gorgeous.Copy !req
694. Compared to the car wreck
she was before.Copy !req
695. My duties are stated in a contract,
and I have fulfilled them.Copy !req
696. - You talent her up by tomorrow or...
- Are you threatening me?Copy !req
697. - Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you cupcake!Copy !req
698. There's something I know how to do.
I haven't done it since high school...Copy !req
699. - You're not having sex on this stage.
- I didn't know it was an option.Copy !req
700. This thing,
I just have to call room service.Copy !req
701. Miss Hart.Copy !req
702. Please.Copy !req
703. Thank you. And the other one.Copy !req
704. Thank you.Copy !req
705. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
706. Happy, you doughnut Nazi?Copy !req
707. Did I tell you Stan Fields
was getting fired?Copy !req
708. I'm on it. You just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right.Copy !req
709. And by the way,
you're doing a great job.Copy !req
710. I thought the evening gown looked...Copy !req
711. - I totally bought it.
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
712. I don't think you're gorgeous.Copy !req
713. You think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
714. You want to kiss me.Copy !req
715. You want to hug me...Copy !req
716. McDonald's more feminine.
I'd rather kiss him.Copy !req
717. - Love me.
You want to hug me.Copy !req
718. You want to smooch me.Copy !req
719. Enjoy the rest of your night.Copy !req
720. Gracie, you look so tired.Copy !req
721. Oh, she had a busy night.Copy !req
722. I saw that gentleman stop by the room.Copy !req
723. Gentleman?Copy !req
724. - No men in the room.
- It's different on the mainland.Copy !req
725. Hold on, ladies. Let's hear
her side of the story.Copy !req
726. You sleeping with a judge?Copy !req
727. Oh.Copy !req
728. Oh, that guy? No.Copy !req
729. No, no, I was dating him
for a little while because...Copy !req
730. he said he had
an incurable disease.Copy !req
731. I didn't realize it was stupidity.Copy !req
732. Oh, I know what that's like.
- All right.Copy !req
733. He is such a pathetic loser.Copy !req
734. I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,
but at some point it's like, "Hello!"Copy !req
735. "Move on! Get over yourself!"Copy !req
736. His ego is this big.Copy !req
737. But his equipment is like this big!Copy !req
738. Good cover!
We worked that out together.Copy !req
739. Use it for a needle.Copy !req
740. Back to work.
Get ready for the Alamo.Copy !req
741. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
742. And welcome to
the Miss United States Preliminary...Copy !req
743. here at the beautiful
and historical Alamo!Copy !req
744. Prepare for what promises to be...Copy !req
745. a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.Copy !req
746. And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.Copy !req
747. Oh, yes!Copy !req
748. And now, put it together...Copy !req
749. for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!Copy !req
750. You light up my lifeCopy !req
751. What's her talent, bartending?Copy !req
752. I made it very clear you weren't
responsible for making her credible.Copy !req
753. I wish I could explain...Copy !req
754. but there are no words.Copy !req
755. Eagle-Eye.Copy !req
756. You might want to check out
cowboy at 1:00.Copy !req
757. My 1:00 or your 1:00?Copy !req
758. The one under the white Stetson.Copy !req
759. There's Stetsons everywhere.Copy !req
760. He's moving, he's moving.Copy !req
761. Toward the stage.
- Hold on, we're checking it out.Copy !req
762. Guys.Copy !req
763. Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.Copy !req
764. Who's got the 20 on the shooter?Copy !req
765. I'm taking him out.Copy !req
766. Wait for a visual!Copy !req
767. Gun! Gun! Everybody down!Copy !req
768. Better up to them, don't you think?Copy !req
769. In a bizarre incident at
the Miss United States Preliminaries...Copy !req
770. the contestant from New Jersey
leapt off-stage...Copy !req
771. and tackled a man in the crowd
who was trying to light a cigarette.Copy !req
772. She's here with me right now.Copy !req
773. What were you thinking when you
jumped off the stage?Copy !req
774. All the contestants are actively
involved in ending tobacco dependence.Copy !req
775. I think the gentleman will think twice
before he lights up again.Copy !req
776. I'm sure we all will.Copy !req
777. - Look, he had a gun.
- Of course.Copy !req
778. This is Texas, everyone has a gun.Copy !req
779. My florist has a gun.Copy !req
780. I don't have a gun.Copy !req
781. My ancestors were Quakers.Copy !req
782. Stan, please!Copy !req
783. We assume any man
with a weapon is a suspect.Copy !req
784. We got the DNA results.Copy !req
785. The envelope from the Citizen
was licked by a woman.Copy !req
786. There's never been DNA before.Copy !req
787. He slipped up, or I should say "she. "Copy !req
788. This is preposterous.Copy !req
789. You people are completely clueless.Copy !req
790. If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be
holding it in someone's basement!Copy !req
791. Every operation is bound
to have its screwups.Copy !req
792. As far as I can see,
she's still with us.Copy !req
793. Oh, God!Copy !req
794. Could I have a moment alone
with Miss Hart, please?Copy !req
795. Sure.Copy !req
796. Just for a tiny minute.Copy !req
797. We'll just be a moment.
Shop talk.Copy !req
798. Hair, gel, mousse.Copy !req
799. Look, I know I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
800. I've been fighting all my life
against your type.Copy !req
801. The ones who think we're
a bunch of worthless airheads.Copy !req
802. You know who I mean.Copy !req
803. Feminists...Copy !req
804. intellectuals...Copy !req
805. ugly women.Copy !req
806. I refuse to give in to their cynicism.Copy !req
807. That's why I have dedicated
my entire life to this scholarship.Copy !req
808. No one's going to ruin that.Copy !req
809. Not this year.Copy !req
810. You get in my way, I will kill you.Copy !req
811. Do you understand?Copy !req
812. Yeah.Copy !req
813. - Yes!
- Yes.Copy !req
814. Frank!Copy !req
815. The interview is the single most
important part of the pageant.Copy !req
816. It accounts for 30%
of your total score.Copy !req
817. What's the other 70%, cleavage?Copy !req
818. Is this your idea of doing final preps
on the convention center?Copy !req
819. Look. Liberace's got her
in a nice evening gown.Copy !req
820. McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-
smoking commercial. He's on his way.Copy !req
821. Good, perfect. I'd hate for him
to fire me over the phone.Copy !req
822. I can't believe this!Copy !req
823. It'll be ugly.Copy !req
824. No shit.Copy !req
825. I gotta do something.
I'm gonna go do laps.Copy !req
826. We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.Copy !req
827. You got it.Copy !req
828. Hands folded...Copy !req
829. ankles crossed.Copy !req
830. Neck up!Copy !req
831. And remember, smile.Copy !req
832. Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.Copy !req
833. I would so love to hurt you right now.Copy !req
834. As long as you smile.Copy !req
835. Now...Copy !req
836. Why is New Jersey called...Copy !req
837. the Garden State?Copy !req
838. You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical
refinery state" on a license plate?Copy !req
839. I don't appreciate your immaturity...Copy !req
840. when I'm working as hard as I am.Copy !req
841. What's the big deal?
It's fixed, I'm in the top five.Copy !req
842. Congratulations to me.Copy !req
843. Is that enough? Have you no pride
in yourself, in your presentation?Copy !req
844. I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not
a performing monkey in heels.Copy !req
845. You're also a person,
and an incomplete one at that!Copy !req
846. In place of friends and relationships,
you have sarcasm and a gun.Copy !req
847. Oh, I have sarcasm?Copy !req
848. When every word that comes out of your
mouth is dripping with disdain?Copy !req
849. That is because I am a miserable,
grumpy elitist, and that works for me.Copy !req
850. I don't have relationships
because I don't want them.Copy !req
851. And I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.Copy !req
852. And you have no idea why I am
the way that I am.Copy !req
853. As we're practicing interviews,
why are you the way you are?Copy !req
854. None of your damn business.Copy !req
855. The judges probably have
never heard that before.Copy !req
856. We have more to do here.Copy !req
857. No, we are finished.Copy !req
858. Finished.Copy !req
859. - Give me a 20 on Matthews.
- Be advised he's at the pool.Copy !req
860. "How do you feel about gun control?"Copy !req
861. Favorable.Copy !req
862. Thought I'd let you know
I was quitting. Take care.Copy !req
863. Hold on. Wait a minute.Copy !req
864. - What do you mean?
- I mean, you got the wrong girl.Copy !req
865. All right?Copy !req
866. I do not need this now.Copy !req
867. That's what I'm saying!
I'm totally screwing up in there!Copy !req
868. I don't feel
like a real agent anymore.Copy !req
869. I mean, Vic says
this thing that's so...Copy !req
870. I don't care what he said, you know?
I don't care.Copy !req
871. Because I am the job...Copy !req
872. and I'm okay with that.
You're the job?Copy !req
873. Yeah, I'm the job.
We're all the job.Copy !req
874. Then what's wrong with me?Copy !req
875. I date. I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date in 10 years.Copy !req
876. Is that what you think?Copy !req
877. I think you date.Copy !req
878. Damn right I do.Copy !req
879. But both times it was screwed up.Copy !req
880. I don't even care.
All I want to do...Copy !req
881. is my job.Copy !req
882. For the last three days
I feel like I'm completely lost.Copy !req
883. I've been waiting five years
to run my own op.Copy !req
884. - Would I blow it on the wrong girl?
- You picked me...Copy !req
885. because I looked good
and wasn't on maternity leave.Copy !req
886. No, that's why they let me pick you.
Know why?Copy !req
887. - Lost a bet.
- You're smart...Copy !req
888. and funny and you're easy
to talk to when you're unarmed.Copy !req
889. Give yourself a break
and cut Vic some slack.Copy !req
890. Because if they see
what I see, then...Copy !req
891. they'll love you.Copy !req
892. So, what do you say?Copy !req
893. I won't let you down.Copy !req
894. Good, that's what I want to hear.Copy !req
895. In all honesty, I might let you down.Copy !req
896. But I'll try my best not to.Copy !req
897. Do not mess with the dress.Copy !req
898. Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.Copy !req
899. You in big trouble.Copy !req
900. Why? You fell.Copy !req
901. - You look good wet.
- Shut up!Copy !req
902. Whoa, guys, Hart's
in the dressing room. Come on.Copy !req
903. You see the legs on that girl?
Who's your daddy?Copy !req
904. Those better be candy dishes!Copy !req
905. Turn around.Copy !req
906. Open.Copy !req
907. This guy's like an inch from death!Copy !req
908. But what a way to go!Copy !req
909. - Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
910. She's a federal agent.
Come on.Copy !req
911. Guess it's time to apply
at my local Hooters.Copy !req
912. Hemorrhoid ointment? You think
the judges will look that closely?Copy !req
913. It's for the baggies under your eyes.Copy !req
914. Really?Copy !req
915. Good, hair spray.
Finally something I recognize.Copy !req
916. What are you doing?Copy !req
917. It stops the suit from riding up.Copy !req
918. Riding up where?Copy !req
919. Just up!Copy !req
920. That's enough!Copy !req
921. Why do you make things hard?Copy !req
922. I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.Copy !req
923. Why does Georgia get to wear
a one-piece and I have to wear this?Copy !req
924. If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.Copy !req
925. Places, everybody! Let's go!Copy !req
926. The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
for 15% of the total score...Copy !req
927. and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise...Copy !req
928. of each lovely woman.Copy !req
929. The last time I was naked in public,
I came out of a uterus.Copy !req
930. I don't have breasts, my thighs...
I should wear a muumuu.Copy !req
931. I have avoided this experience
all my life.Copy !req
932. And here it is.
You must achieve a Zen-like state.Copy !req
933. Listen to your breathing,
feel your heart...Copy !req
934. think of the Dalai Lama.Copy !req
935. Texas!Copy !req
936. Rhode Island!Copy !req
937. New Jersey!Copy !req
938. Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama...Copy !req
939. New York!Copy !req
940. California!Copy !req
941. I would have to say,
world peace.Copy !req
942. Definitely, world peace.Copy !req
943. That's easy. World peace.Copy !req
944. World peace.Copy !req
945. What is the one most important thing
our society needs?Copy !req
946. That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.Copy !req
947. And, world peace.Copy !req
948. Thank you, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
949. And thank you, Stan.Copy !req
950. Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.Copy !req
951. That was charming. Are you drunk?Copy !req
952. Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,
I have to go unscrew my smile.Copy !req
953. We got a lead.Copy !req
954. - The blood test?
- Photos.Copy !req
955. Cheryl Frasier, with members
of a radical animal rights group...Copy !req
956. involved in bombings.
It's always the quiet ones.Copy !req
957. She fits the profile:
Loner, introverted.Copy !req
958. That Cheryl?Copy !req
959. Describe your perfect date.Copy !req
960. That's a tough one.Copy !req
961. I'd have to say April 25th...Copy !req
962. because it's not too hot,
not too cold.Copy !req
963. All you need is a light jacket.Copy !req
964. Now, there is a hardened criminal.Copy !req
965. Maybe she's an accomplice.
Maybe she's his inside connection.Copy !req
966. That's what you gotta find out.Copy !req
967. How?Copy !req
968. Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.Copy !req
969. - Girl talk?
- Yes, girl talk.Copy !req
970. Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.Copy !req
971. Leg waxing, fake orgasms,
the inability of men to commit.Copy !req
972. Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
973. Lmagine she's me and you want to know,
but I don't want to talk about it.Copy !req
974. What would you do?Copy !req
975. You want me to beat her?Copy !req
976. Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
977. Okay, forget about it. I will go.Copy !req
978. Put that back in your ear.Copy !req
979. I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.Copy !req
980. I can't even do it with me in my head.Copy !req
981. Girl talk.Copy !req
982. Oh, my God!Copy !req
983. Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?Copy !req
984. How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.Copy !req
985. I was like a female Rain Man.Copy !req
986. Oh, no, it def-def-definitely
wasn't Rain Man.Copy !req
987. Definitely not Rain Man.Copy !req
988. Come and have a midnight snack
with me and some...Copy !req
989. girl talk.Copy !req
990. Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!Copy !req
991. Do you know how many calories
you're talking about?Copy !req
992. It's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.Copy !req
993. Come on.Copy !req
994. Come with. No?Copy !req
995. No takers? No?Copy !req
996. All right, I'll just...Copy !req
997. sit here. You guys
go back on your bicycles...Copy !req
998. and I'll sit here with my
very large, cheesy pizza.Copy !req
999. Oh, look at all that cheese.Copy !req
1000. Cheryl, don't.Copy !req
1001. At least scrape off the toppings.Copy !req
1002. First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons...Copy !req
1003. Let me have some. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1004. I guess we'll be needing more pizza.Copy !req
1005. - I want another drink!
- Okay!Copy !req
1006. We're gonna get a drink.Copy !req
1007. Another round, ladies?Copy !req
1008. - I can't do another one!
Yes, you can!Copy !req
1009. This is so weird!Copy !req
1010. This is my third one
and I don't feel a thing!Copy !req
1011. Really?Copy !req
1012. Like when I did my interview question.Copy !req
1013. Don't worry, we all sucked.Copy !req
1014. You know, I had such a good answer
to that question too.Copy !req
1015. My idea of a perfect date
would be a man...Copy !req
1016. who takes me to a romantic dinner.Copy !req
1017. Then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books...Copy !req
1018. and music and movies!Copy !req
1019. Aw.Copy !req
1020. No wonder you're still a virgin.Copy !req
1021. Time to paint. Come on.Copy !req
1022. No, my contacts.Copy !req
1023. - We'll stay here.
- I want more pizza.Copy !req
1024. We're gonna have more pizza and beer.Copy !req
1025. Have fun!Copy !req
1026. - This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.Copy !req
1027. It's so fun it should be illegal.Copy !req
1028. Speaking of illegal,
have you ever, like...Copy !req
1029. committed a crime?Copy !req
1030. Yes!Copy !req
1031. Yes, I did.Copy !req
1032. Go on.Copy !req
1033. One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.Copy !req
1034. My mother wouldn't buy them!Copy !req
1035. She said they were Satan's panties.Copy !req
1036. - So is that it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1037. Oh, there was
this one thing in college...Copy !req
1038. with my lit professor.Copy !req
1039. One day I came to his office. He said
he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.Copy !req
1040. He wanted to discuss a paper, right?Copy !req
1041. Hey, can I get another
one of these tubie things?Copy !req
1042. Yeah, can we get another tubie?Copy !req
1043. Anyway, he attacked me.Copy !req
1044. Cheryl, did you report him?Copy !req
1045. No, I never told anyone before this.Copy !req
1046. I know that happens all the time.Copy !req
1047. No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.Copy !req
1048. There are so many maneuvers
that I could show you.Copy !req
1049. Really?Copy !req
1050. Yeah! Come on, get up.Copy !req
1051. I want you to firmly plant your feet.Copy !req
1052. I'm gonna move the chair.Copy !req
1053. Now if someone comes at you...Copy !req
1054. She's completely trashed.Copy !req
1055. We should get her back
before Miss Morningside finds out.Copy !req
1056. Kathy's got a boot up her ass
about something.Copy !req
1057. I don't think she ever
got over those rumors.Copy !req
1058. Come again?Copy !req
1059. Her pageant years
she was a runner-up.Copy !req
1060. But then the winner mysteriously
got food poisoning.Copy !req
1061. Bizarro!Copy !req
1062. No, Stan told me she got a letter
a few weeks back from the network...Copy !req
1063. and they're firing her too!Copy !req
1064. She threw a chair out the window!Copy !req
1065. We gotta go. Come on.Copy !req
1066. I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.Copy !req
1067. Don't tell me I don't understand.Copy !req
1068. I hate when I don't see
a wet paint sign.Copy !req
1069. Stop it. Listen.Copy !req
1070. - Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.
- I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.Copy !req
1071. Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.Copy !req
1072. What? Where?Copy !req
1073. It's confirmed.Copy !req
1074. He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.Copy !req
1075. Place had enough C4
to make a new Grand Canyon.Copy !req
1076. Let's pack up and get out of here.Copy !req
1077. Sir, I need to talk to you.
One second of your time.Copy !req
1078. - Hart.
- Hear me out a second.Copy !req
1079. I feel the situation bears further
scrutiny and our continued presence.Copy !req
1080. Do you have paint in your ears?
We caught the guy!Copy !req
1081. I respect what you're saying.
I'd say the same to me...Copy !req
1082. but what if we were wrong?Copy !req
1083. What if the Citizen didn't send it?
What if it was a copycat?Copy !req
1084. The letter didn't follow
the normal pattern.Copy !req
1085. The linguistic scheme
was uncharacteristic...Copy !req
1086. and the DNA said it was a woman!Copy !req
1087. Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.Copy !req
1088. I think we have reason
to monitor Morningside.Copy !req
1089. Why don't you jump on her
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?Copy !req
1090. You're the reason I had
to drag myself down here...Copy !req
1091. and I don't want to hear anymore!Copy !req
1092. You're absolutely right, sir.
Not another damn word.Copy !req
1093. Thank you.Copy !req
1094. But she's getting fired this year,
which she didn't tell us.Copy !req
1095. You're already in enough
trouble with the review board.Copy !req
1096. Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,
the only reason she won was...Copy !req
1097. because the winner got
food poisoning. How bizarro is that?Copy !req
1098. - "Bizarro"?
- Oh! Oh!Copy !req
1099. She threatened me. According to Mary
Jo, she has a history of violence.Copy !req
1100. Who is Mary Jo?Copy !req
1101. Are you getting your information
from a pajama party?Copy !req
1102. Would you shut up?Copy !req
1103. You're shutting up enough
for both of us.Copy !req
1104. - Matthews.
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
1105. Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?Copy !req
1106. No, sir.Copy !req
1107. There.Copy !req
1108. I request permission to stay
with a small contingent.Copy !req
1109. - Denied.
- Then I request permission to stay alone.Copy !req
1110. You know what, I don't care
what you do. You want to stay, stay!Copy !req
1111. But as a private citizen.
Turn in your badge and your gun.Copy !req
1112. Everybody, I suggest we start packing.Copy !req
1113. What?Copy !req
1114. Don't look at me like I betrayed you.Copy !req
1115. Betrayal implies action.
You stood there.Copy !req
1116. You got nothing to go on.Copy !req
1117. I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.Copy !req
1118. But I feel like I'm in the right
place at the right time.Copy !req
1119. I have to protect those girls.
It is my job.Copy !req
1120. Part of it is following orders.Copy !req
1121. The other part is using your brain.
Throw out the rule book...Copy !req
1122. I like the book. I like knowing
what I can and cannot do.Copy !req
1123. You're not the only one who lives
for the job.Copy !req
1124. I want to keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.Copy !req
1125. Jesus, Hart.Copy !req
1126. Give it a rest.Copy !req
1127. Sure, give it a rest.Copy !req
1128. What are you doing?Copy !req
1129. Don't do it.Copy !req
1130. Thank you.Copy !req
1131. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1132. I can't believe it!Copy !req
1133. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
1134. Don't do that!Copy !req
1135. That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.
Your father used to do that.Copy !req
1136. Mom.Copy !req
1137. This isn't gonna work.Copy !req
1138. Honey, of course it's going to work.Copy !req
1139. The feds caught the Citizen.
We have no one to pin it on!Copy !req
1140. Okay, that was bad luck.Copy !req
1141. But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us?Copy !req
1142. "Women's Liberation Front. "Copy !req
1143. "Islamic Jihad. " They're not so nuts
about the swimsuit competition.Copy !req
1144. Any one of these
could have planted a bomb.Copy !req
1145. When did we get those?Copy !req
1146. I just finished writing them.Copy !req
1147. Just like the Citizen letter.Copy !req
1148. You're a genius.Copy !req
1149. No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.Copy !req
1150. Nobody fires me and gets away with it.Copy !req
1151. They want a newer, hotter show...Copy !req
1152. they're gonna get it.Copy !req
1153. Mom, you're a little scary.Copy !req
1154. And you're a little bit sloppy.Copy !req
1155. Tuck your shirt.
I don't want to tell you again.Copy !req
1156. Let's go home, honey.Copy !req
1157. Mom?Copy !req
1158. Oops.Copy !req
1159. What's up?Copy !req
1160. - Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.Copy !req
1161. Okay, Vic. Beautify me.Copy !req
1162. Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever
it is you do. That shiny stuff...Copy !req
1163. Where are you going?Copy !req
1164. Your Agent McDonald insists that I
depart, or I won't be compensated.Copy !req
1165. No. After the top 10!
I am completely on my own.Copy !req
1166. The FBI is gone, it's not fixed.
I need you!Copy !req
1167. Not anymore. The cocoon is open.Copy !req
1168. I've taken a woman
without a smidgen of estrogen...Copy !req
1169. and made her a lady.Copy !req
1170. - Come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.Copy !req
1171. Or...Copy !req
1172. of any girl I have ever coached.Copy !req
1173. You are truly unique.Copy !req
1174. If I ever had a daughter,
I imagine that she would be...Copy !req
1175. something like you.Copy !req
1176. Which is why I never reproduced.Copy !req
1177. I have a really strong feeling
something will happen to these girls.Copy !req
1178. You need to stay for me. Please.Copy !req
1179. I can't.Copy !req
1180. But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.Copy !req
1181. It's your size, I believe.Copy !req
1182. Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1183. It's been a privilege.Copy !req
1184. No insults today?Copy !req
1185. You're a Don Ho.Copy !req
1186. Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't
believe she missed dress rehearsal.Copy !req
1187. Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.Copy !req
1188. We all saw her glasses performance.
She is not making the top 10.Copy !req
1189. I overslept my beauty sleep.Copy !req
1190. - Do you need help?
- No, I'm fine.Copy !req
1191. I wonder which one of these...Copy !req
1192. is lipstick.Copy !req
1193. Ladies!Copy !req
1194. Now, the first thing we need
to deal with...Copy !req
1195. Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving.
Let's go!Copy !req
1196. Looking good, ladies.Copy !req
1197. Will you go back to the mothership?Copy !req
1198. As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.Copy !req
1199. Let's go, Pennsylvania,
New Jersey, Texas...Copy !req
1200. I can't open the goddamn bottle.Copy !req
1201. Frank!Copy !req
1202. Have a good show. You guys excited?Copy !req
1203. Get it.Copy !req
1204. Where are you going?Copy !req
1205. I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.Copy !req
1206. Going live.Copy !req
1207. In five, four, three...Copy !req
1208. It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant...Copy !req
1209. live from San Antonio, Texas!Copy !req
1210. Good. That's the one I use at home.Copy !req
1211. And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!Copy !req
1212. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
1213. And welcome to a night of beauty,
talent and poise.Copy !req
1214. I'm not just talking
about my cohost...Copy !req
1215. Kathy Morningside!Copy !req
1216. - Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.Copy !req
1217. But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence. "Copy !req
1218. That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?Copy !req
1219. By helping me to announce
the top 10...Copy !req
1220. chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this week.Copy !req
1221. Here's the envelope.Copy !req
1222. Thank you, Scott.
Ladies, hold your breath.Copy !req
1223. Hawaii!Copy !req
1224. Follow her. Beautiful.
Come in for that reaction.Copy !req
1225. - Go to two.
- Going to two.Copy !req
1226. California!Copy !req
1227. New York!Copy !req
1228. Alaska!Copy !req
1229. Texas!Copy !req
1230. Thank you.Copy !req
1231. New Jersey!Copy !req
1232. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
1233. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1234. That was graceful.Copy !req
1235. That must have hurt.Copy !req
1236. But she's up and at it.Copy !req
1237. And last but not least, Rhode Island.Copy !req
1238. And there they are!
This year's top 10 finalists.Copy !req
1239. Well, the top 10 have been chosen.Copy !req
1240. We'll be right back with tonight's
swimsuit competition.Copy !req
1241. I checked out Kathy Morningside.Copy !req
1242. - Anything?
- Not even a traffic ticket.Copy !req
1243. Model citizen. Beauty contestant,
pageant director, loving mom.Copy !req
1244. - She's married?
- Widow. One son.Copy !req
1245. A sniveling, obsequious
weasel of a human being.Copy !req
1246. - You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.Copy !req
1247. - Her assistant?
- Asshole Frank?Copy !req
1248. One and the same.Copy !req
1249. She never mentioned anything.
Anything come up on the CCH?Copy !req
1250. Nothing on Frank Tobin.Copy !req
1251. There wouldn't be.
His name is Morningside.Copy !req
1252. He changed it to cover
his many indiscretions.Copy !req
1253. Wait. How do you know that?Copy !req
1254. I've been around this pageant
for many years.Copy !req
1255. I could shock you with the intimate
details I'm privy to.Copy !req
1256. Good job! Good jobCopy !req
1257. Keep going, everybody. Keep moving.Copy !req
1258. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1259. I got you something.Copy !req
1260. Oh! Oh.Copy !req
1261. I couldn't...Copy !req
1262. You ate pizza, you stole panties,
you're wild.Copy !req
1263. We worked on this, remember?Copy !req
1264. You're gonna be great.Copy !req
1265. - Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.Copy !req
1266. I'm with him.Copy !req
1267. Gentlemen, you can't go in...Copy !req
1268. Victor!Copy !req
1269. He's with me.Copy !req
1270. Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.Copy !req
1271. Come on, muffin.Copy !req
1272. Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.Copy !req
1273. Now you can wear Satan's panties!Copy !req
1274. Oh, my God, I gotta go on!Copy !req
1275. - Hey, Hart.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
1276. I think you might have been right.
Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.Copy !req
1277. Disgusting, perverted Frank?Copy !req
1278. He cleared under another name.
I ran a new CCH.Copy !req
1279. DUl, assault, even a weapons charge.Copy !req
1280. Are we doing full deployment?Copy !req
1281. McDonald didn't want to hear about it.
It's just us.Copy !req
1282. Interview set change, five minutes.Copy !req
1283. Good show, Mr. Tobin.Copy !req
1284. Get ready.
Interview set change, five minutes.Copy !req
1285. You're up next, New Jersey.Copy !req
1286. I gotta get my glasses.Copy !req
1287. Hey! You're drinking my talent!Copy !req
1288. You got to make it into the top five.Copy !req
1289. - Can you whistle?
- No!Copy !req
1290. - Make hand puppets?
- No!Copy !req
1291. I had a girl who rearranged furniture.Copy !req
1292. You said all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.Copy !req
1293. That and a right hook.Copy !req
1294. And now, the musical stylings
of Gracie Lou Freebush.Copy !req
1295. Good evening.Copy !req
1296. The program says I'm supposed to play
the water glasses for you...Copy !req
1297. but the girls got dehydrated.Copy !req
1298. No water glasses?Copy !req
1299. You want me to go to a commercial?Copy !req
1300. No, stay on her. Go with it.Copy !req
1301. I believe no woman should be without
a basic knowledge of self-defense.Copy !req
1302. So in order to show you this,
I'm gonna need a little help.Copy !req
1303. I would like to bring out
my assistant, Eric Bob.Copy !req
1304. More changes?
Follow her. Stay on her.Copy !req
1305. - How to inflict damage
with the least amount of force.Copy !req
1306. In some cases, your attacker might
come at you in a frontal assault.Copy !req
1307. Use the heel of your hand and thrust.Copy !req
1308. This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...Copy !req
1309. giving you a chance to get away.Copy !req
1310. All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.Copy !req
1311. Attack me!Copy !req
1312. Oh.Copy !req
1313. Little Eric looks a little scared.Copy !req
1314. Maybe he needs a little applause.Copy !req
1315. Yeah! Eric!Copy !req
1316. She's kicking his ass!Copy !req
1317. You were the best queen ever.Copy !req
1318. Thank you, that is so sweet.Copy !req
1319. Ladies, give Lori
some room to breathe.Copy !req
1320. Go on, now.Copy !req
1321. You need some powder.Copy !req
1322. You don't have to hold
the crown all night.Copy !req
1323. My God, that is disgraceful.Copy !req
1324. Frank!Copy !req
1325. Take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to shine.Copy !req
1326. If all else fails, go for the four
sensitive areas of the body.Copy !req
1327. But just remember to "sing. "Copy !req
1328. S- I-N-G.Copy !req
1329. Solar plexus, instep...Copy !req
1330. nose, groin!Copy !req
1331. SING.Copy !req
1332. Cue Stan.Copy !req
1333. Welcome to the Garden State!Copy !req
1334. When we return, we'll find out
who those lucky final five are.Copy !req
1335. Let's go find Frank.Copy !req
1336. Take left. I'll take this side.Copy !req
1337. No, evening gown. Now.Copy !req
1338. Ladies! In one moment,
five of you...Copy !req
1339. will be one step
closer to the crown.Copy !req
1340. And one of those five...Copy !req
1341. is...Copy !req
1342. California!Copy !req
1343. Leslie Williams is a music major.Copy !req
1344. She believes in the healing power
of music. Loves opera, reggae...Copy !req
1345. and, like any true California girl,
the Beach Boys.Copy !req
1346. Rhode Island!Copy !req
1347. Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
Her field is...Copy !req
1348. nuclear fission with a minor
in elementary particles.Copy !req
1349. Nebraska!Copy !req
1350. For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world is a stage.Copy !req
1351. A theater major...Copy !req
1352. she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.Copy !req
1353. New Jersey!Copy !req
1354. Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
to become a pediatrician.Copy !req
1355. Gracie, it's you. Go!Copy !req
1356. Her hobbies include
figure skating, water ballet...Copy !req
1357. and taking long,
luxurious bubble baths.Copy !req
1358. You go, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1359. And our fifth finalist:Copy !req
1360. Texas!Copy !req
1361. Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.Copy !req
1362. In her spare time,
she works in a homeless shelter...Copy !req
1363. and eats Mexican food.Copy !req
1364. Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.Copy !req
1365. I want all the lesbians to know...Copy !req
1366. if I can make it to the top 10,
so can you!Copy !req
1367. Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!Copy !req
1368. Get her off of there!Copy !req
1369. Go to Stan!Copy !req
1370. Tina, I love you, baby!Copy !req
1371. I love you, Karen!Copy !req
1372. Whoo! Yeah!Copy !req
1373. And we'll be right back with our
final five lesbians. Interviews.Copy !req
1374. Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?Copy !req
1375. You got a problem with that?Copy !req
1376. In a way, America is like a big ship.Copy !req
1377. When we work together
and respect each other...Copy !req
1378. that's when the ship
gets safely home.Copy !req
1379. Terrific answer.Copy !req
1380. Damn it.Copy !req
1381. New Jersey.Copy !req
1382. As you may know,
there are many who consider...Copy !req
1383. the Miss United States pageant
to be outdated and antifeminist.Copy !req
1384. What would you say to them?Copy !req
1385. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1386. I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.Copy !req
1387. And then I came here...Copy !req
1388. and I realized that...Copy !req
1389. these women are smart,
terrific people...Copy !req
1390. who are just trying to make
a difference in the world.Copy !req
1391. We've become really good friends.Copy !req
1392. I know we all secretly hope the other
one will trip and fall on her face...Copy !req
1393. Wait a minute!
I've already done that!Copy !req
1394. For me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding...Copy !req
1395. and liberating experiences
of my life.Copy !req
1396. My God.Copy !req
1397. I did it.Copy !req
1398. And if anyone...Copy !req
1399. anyone...Copy !req
1400. tries to hurt one
of my new friends...Copy !req
1401. I would take them out.Copy !req
1402. I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.Copy !req
1403. And if they ran,
I would hunt them down.Copy !req
1404. Thank you, Kathy.Copy !req
1405. A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.Copy !req
1406. Helps if you pull it out.Copy !req
1407. Good luck, ladies.Copy !req
1408. Where's the crown?
I wanted to rub it for luck.Copy !req
1409. Frank took it to get it polished.Copy !req
1410. I'll have it by the time
they announce the winner.Copy !req
1411. My God! It's the crown!Copy !req
1412. Yes, it is. You can taste it now...Copy !req
1413. No, no, no!Copy !req
1414. It goes Texas, Rhode Island
and New Jersey. Let's go.Copy !req
1415. Not the...
This. In the...Copy !req
1416. Finale positions.Copy !req
1417. Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown.
You are the crown.Copy !req
1418. And now, the moment
of truth and beauty.Copy !req
1419. The envelope, please.Copy !req
1420. What?Copy !req
1421. A lot of tension.Copy !req
1422. The fourth runner-up is...Copy !req
1423. California!Copy !req
1424. The third runner-up is...Copy !req
1425. Nebraska!Copy !req
1426. - Am I in danger here?
- Wait here.Copy !req
1427. The second runner-up is Texas!Copy !req
1428. Drop it!Copy !req
1429. I mean it! Drop it!Copy !req
1430. This is it.Copy !req
1431. The moment.Copy !req
1432. One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.Copy !req
1433. Listen to me!Copy !req
1434. I'm gonna reach for my badge, slow.Copy !req
1435. You do, and you're dead.Copy !req
1436. The first runner-up...Copy !req
1437. who will have to take the winner's
place if, for any reason...Copy !req
1438. she cannot fulfill her duties is:Copy !req
1439. New Jersey! Which means...Copy !req
1440. our new Miss United States is:Copy !req
1441. Don't take the crown.Copy !req
1442. Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!Copy !req
1443. - Don't take the crown. Trust me.
- I can't hear you. What?Copy !req
1444. She reigns over all she seesCopy !req
1445. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
1446. She's queen of 50 states
She's elegance and tasteCopy !req
1447. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
1448. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1449. Go ahead, hold your crown up highCopy !req
1450. Raise it to the skyCopy !req
1451. Jersey's gone berserk!Copy !req
1452. Get her off the stage!Copy !req
1453. Get away! Get away!Copy !req
1454. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1455. Raise it to the skyCopy !req
1456. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1457. She stands for all that's goodCopy !req
1458. She loves her neighborhoodCopy !req
1459. She's friends with everyone she meetsCopy !req
1460. She's beauty and she's graceCopy !req
1461. She's queen of 50 statesCopy !req
1462. She's elegance and tasteCopy !req
1463. She's Miss United StatesCopy !req
1464. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1465. Gracie!Copy !req
1466. Hold your crown up highCopy !req
1467. She's Miss United States.Copy !req
1468. Okay.Copy !req
1469. Good show, everybody.Copy !req
1470. - I was right in the middle of my song!
- There she is!Copy !req
1471. You got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.Copy !req
1472. Where you're going, they'd love
to meet a former beauty queen.Copy !req
1473. When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.Copy !req
1474. Miss Hart, you don't understand.Copy !req
1475. All I'm guilty of is trying to make
the world a more beautiful place.Copy !req
1476. Look at yourself.Copy !req
1477. When I met you, Dennis Rodman
looked better in a dress.Copy !req
1478. But now you're a lady! I did that.Copy !req
1479. Vic did that, and a team of highly
specialized federal manicurists...Copy !req
1480. and people who make you beautiful.Copy !req
1481. Get in the car.Copy !req
1482. You think you saved something.Copy !req
1483. All you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over the country.Copy !req
1484. Their dream is to get blown up?Copy !req
1485. You got a good shot
at that insanity plea.Copy !req
1486. I earned it!Copy !req
1487. Years of bitching beauty
queens and what do I get?Copy !req
1488. Fired! They steal my life,
they steal my beauty pageant.Copy !req
1489. Hey! It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.Copy !req
1490. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1491. "Yes. "Copy !req
1492. Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!Copy !req
1493. - Get it? The Women's Correctional...
- Hey.Copy !req
1494. That was good work.Copy !req
1495. Right back at you.Copy !req
1496. So, how does it feel?Copy !req
1497. Throwing the rule book
out of the window?Copy !req
1498. Pretty good, actually.Copy !req
1499. I was thinking...Copy !req
1500. when we get back...Copy !req
1501. after we write up our reports
and you get all ugly again...Copy !req
1502. maybe we could have dinner?Copy !req
1503. What? You asking me out on a date?Copy !req
1504. No. Just a casual dinner.Copy !req
1505. If we happen to have sex afterwards,
so be it.Copy !req
1506. You think I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
1507. You want to date me...Copy !req
1508. love me and marry me.Copy !req
1509. A part of you is gonna miss this.Copy !req
1510. The heels.
They do something for my posture.Copy !req
1511. I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.Copy !req
1512. - Funny, me too.
- Agent Matthews! Gracie!Copy !req
1513. Thank God you're still here.Copy !req
1514. There's been an emergency.Copy !req
1515. Somebody found some
sort of incendiary device.Copy !req
1516. Come on, quickly!Copy !req
1517. Excuse me. FBI.Copy !req
1518. She saved the pageant,
she saved our lives, and here she is!Copy !req
1519. That's not gonna work for me.Copy !req
1520. I can't go up there!Copy !req
1521. It was his idea, Gracie Lou.Copy !req
1522. I'd never get you here unless
you could shoot someone.Copy !req
1523. You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.Copy !req
1524. Come on.Copy !req
1525. Come on!Copy !req
1526. Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!Copy !req
1527. Not so fast!Copy !req
1528. Because even though
you're a federal officer...Copy !req
1529. to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.Copy !req
1530. The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant...Copy !req
1531. and this year's Miss Congeniality!Copy !req
1532. I, uh...Copy !req
1533. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
1534. Except for...Copy !req
1535. I can't wear this at work.Copy !req
1536. I never thought anything like
this would happen to me.Copy !req
1537. I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
But now that it has...Copy !req
1538. I just want to say that...Copy !req
1539. I'm very...Copy !req
1540. very honored.Copy !req
1541. And...Copy !req
1542. moved.Copy !req
1543. And...Copy !req
1544. truly touched.Copy !req
1545. And...Copy !req
1546. I really do want world peace.Copy !req