1. Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.Copy !req
2. Her birthmark, the colour of poo.Copy !req
3. It was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.Copy !req
4. Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.Copy !req
5. Mary's mood ring, which she'd found
in a cereal box, was greyCopy !req
6. which, according to the chart,Copy !req
7. meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.Copy !req
8. Her only friends were "The Noblets"
from her favourite cartoon.Copy !req
9. They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shopsCopy !req
10. but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompomsCopy !req
11. and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.Copy !req
12. She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies -Copy !req
13. potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.Copy !req
14. Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,Copy !req
15. worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.Copy !req
16. At show and tell, she told the classCopy !req
17. he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.Copy !req
18. Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.Copy !req
19. She loved saying "Earl Grey"Copy !req
20. and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.Copy !req
21. They would live
in a castle in Scotland,Copy !req
22. have 9 babies, 2 ducks...Copy !req
23. .. and a dog called Kevin.Copy !req
24. Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys lrish CreamCopy !req
25. and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.Copy !req
26. Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.Copy !req
27. She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.Copy !req
28. Her mother had told her
she was "an accident".Copy !req
29. How could someone be an accident?Copy !req
30. Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberateCopy !req
31. and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.Copy !req
32. Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onionsCopy !req
33. and had been a member of the Frankston
lce Breakers for 51 years.Copy !req
34. Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh!Copy !req
35. They swam in winter to feel alive.Copy !req
36. Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.Copy !req
37. He had died the year before, aged 74,Copy !req
38. and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.Copy !req
39. Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,Copy !req
40. Ralph lived a long life,Copy !req
41. then died of pneumonia.Copy !req
42. Mary missed himCopy !req
43. and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.Copy !req
44. A lot of things puzzled MaryCopy !req
45. especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.Copy !req
46. To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.Copy !req
47. A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!Copy !req
48. Vera liked listening
to the cricket while bakingCopy !req
49. and her main ingredient
was always sherry.Copy !req
50. 3/44. And Thompson 2/15...Copy !req
51. She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-upsCopy !req
52. that needed constant testing.Copy !req
53. Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.Copy !req
54. Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry... way too much.Copy !req
55. Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always "borrowing".Copy !req
56. Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.Copy !req
57. She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.Copy !req
58. Vera was indeed a complicated soul.Copy !req
59. Mary stopped daydreamingCopy !req
60. and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.Copy !req
61. Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freewayCopy !req
62. after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.Copy !req
63. She named him Ethel.Copy !req
64. It was time to watch "The Noblets".
She adored "The Noblets"Copy !req
65. because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapotCopy !req
66. and had oodles of friends.Copy !req
67. There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,Copy !req
68. than the smell of a wet rooster...Copy !req
69. .. the sound of rain on the roofCopy !req
70. and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the canCopy !req
71. while watching your favourite cartoon.Copy !req
72. Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched "The Noblets".Copy !req
73. Max's small television
had picture but no sound.Copy !req
74. His big television, sound but no picture.Copy !req
75. He was 44 and liked "The Noblets"Copy !req
76. as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structureCopy !req
77. with constant adherent conformityCopy !req
78. and also because they had
oodles of friends.Copy !req
79. Max had trouble sleepingCopy !req
80. and had spent the night watching
television and catching fish food.Copy !req
81. He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.Copy !req
82. He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheepCopy !req
83. or have one more chocolate hotdog.Copy !req
84. He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.Copy !req
85. It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes since
Henry VIII had passed away.Copy !req
86. And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.Copy !req
87. It had become asymmetricalCopy !req
88. and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better.Copy !req
89. Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry -Copy !req
90. Henry lX.Copy !req
91. Next.Copy !req
92. It was shopping dayCopy !req
93. and Mary sat patiently while her mother
"borrowed" some envelopes.Copy !req
94. To fill in time, she scanned the roomCopy !req
95. and counted how many things
were brown.Copy !req
96. There was sticky tape, rubber bandsCopy !req
97. and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lakeCopy !req
98. with her hand on fire.Copy !req
99. People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.Copy !req
100. Funny-sounding people called
Rockefeller and Finkelstein.Copy !req
101. She wondered what they looked like,
how old they wereCopy !req
102. and if they were married, wore glasses,
or had found babies in their beer.Copy !req
103. Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.Copy !req
104. They drank a lot of cola.Copy !req
105. Maybe they found them in cans.Copy !req
106. But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.Copy !req
107. Mary had an idea.Copy !req
108. She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.Copy !req
109. She chose a Mr M Horowitz.Copy !req
110. Aarrgh, Mrs Dinkle!Copy !req
111. Come back here, Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!Copy !req
112. Aaarghhhh!Copy !req
113. Dear Mr M Horowitz,Copy !req
114. my name is Mary Daisy DinkleCopy !req
115. and I am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.Copy !req
116. My favourite colour is brownCopy !req
117. and my favourite food
is sweetened condensed milkCopy !req
118. followed closely by chocolate.Copy !req
119. I have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.Copy !req
120. He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.Copy !req
121. My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherryCopy !req
122. and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.Copy !req
123. Where do babies come from
in America?Copy !req
124. Do they come from cola cans?Copy !req
125. In Australia
they are found in beer glasses.Copy !req
126. Here is a drawing of me.Copy !req
127. I can't draw ears proper
but I'm good at teeth.Copy !req
128. It would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.Copy !req
129. Yours "sincerealy", Mary Daisy Dinkle.Copy !req
130. PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.Copy !req
131. It's called a Cherry Ripe.Copy !req
132. Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write.Copy !req
133. Max hated Thursdays -Copy !req
134. the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.Copy !req
135. And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettledCopy !req
136. because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.Copy !req
137. OK, class...Copy !req
138. Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.Copy !req
139. He'd found the night
even more unbearableCopy !req
140. because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.Copy !req
141. Class dismissed.Copy !req
142. Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.Copy !req
143. Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.Copy !req
144. Max found most people very confusing.Copy !req
145. But little did Max realiseCopy !req
146. his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.Copy !req
147. He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally didCopy !req
148. whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.Copy !req
149. Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.Copy !req
150. And after staring out of the window
for 18 hoursCopy !req
151. he finally made a decision.Copy !req
152. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
153. thank you for the letter,
which I opened and read at 9.17pmCopy !req
154. after my Overeaters Anonymous class.Copy !req
155. I am trying to lose weightCopy !req
156. because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,Copy !req
157. says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.Copy !req
158. Ooooh!Copy !req
159. He says my mind is not that healthy.Copy !req
160. Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.Copy !req
161. I have never met anyone from Australia.Copy !req
162. Firstly, I will answer your question.Copy !req
163. Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.Copy !req
164. I asked my mother when I was fourCopy !req
165. and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.Copy !req
166. If you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.Copy !req
167. If you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.Copy !req
168. So this is where babies come from
in America.Copy !req
169. I share my home with a fish,Copy !req
170. some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...Copy !req
171. ..a parakeet called Mr BiscuitCopy !req
172. and, finally, a cat called Hal.Copy !req
173. "Hal" is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.Copy !req
174. He followed me home
after a gang of childrenCopy !req
175. shot his eye out with a beebee gun.Copy !req
176. Do you have a pet kangaroo?Copy !req
177. When I was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.Copy !req
178. She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when I was six.Copy !req
179. Do you like chocolate hotdogs?Copy !req
180. I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.Copy !req
181. When I was young, I invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.Copy !req
182. My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymoreCopy !req
183. so he just sits in the corner and reads.Copy !req
184. Last week I picked up
128 cigarette butts.Copy !req
185. People are always littering in New York.Copy !req
186. I do not understand
why people break laws.Copy !req
187. Butts are bad
because they wash out to seaCopy !req
188. and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.Copy !req
189. I am just joking because, of course,Copy !req
190. it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.Copy !req
191. Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.Copy !req
192. I am 44 years oldCopy !req
193. and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.Copy !req
194. I weigh 352 lb...Copy !req
195. Ooooh!Copy !req
196. .. and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.Copy !req
197. Welcome to the New York Lottery!Copy !req
198. I enjoy entering the lotteryCopy !req
199. and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.Copy !req
200. - Those numbers are 3...
- 1.Copy !req
201. - 5...
- 4.Copy !req
202. - 6...
- 25.Copy !req
203. - 9...
- 2.Copy !req
204. - 11...
- 7.Copy !req
205. - And 12.
- 8.Copy !req
206. Are you a winner?Copy !req
207. Or a loser?Copy !req
208. I have had many different jobs
during my life.Copy !req
209. My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.Copy !req
210. My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher SuppliesCopy !req
211. where I worked at the machine that made
pre-packaged noodle kugels.Copy !req
212. I was born Jewish
and used to believe in GodCopy !req
213. but I've since read many booksCopy !req
214. that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.Copy !req
215. People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questionsCopy !req
216. like where did the universe come from,Copy !req
217. do worms go to heaven...Copy !req
218. .. and why do old ladies have blue hair?Copy !req
219. Even though I'm an atheist,Copy !req
220. I still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.Copy !req
221. My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.Copy !req
222. I worked at the frisbee printing machine.Copy !req
223. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.Copy !req
224. It is like a boomerangCopy !req
225. but it does not come back.Copy !req
226. My fourth job was when
I was called up for jury duty.Copy !req
227. I didn't get paid much
but got free cookies and coffee.Copy !req
228. Jurors are outstanding members
of the communityCopy !req
229. who haven't murdered anybody.Copy !req
230. I made it to the short listCopy !req
231. for a trial where a man
killed all his friendsCopy !req
232. at his own surprise birthday party.Copy !req
233. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
because they found outCopy !req
234. I'd been a mental patient at one point.Copy !req
235. Have you ever been hang gliding?Copy !req
236. My fifth job was as a garbage collector.Copy !req
237. I got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.Copy !req
238. Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot.Copy !req
239. This is 911.
Your call has been placed in a queue.Copy !req
240. One time the police took me in
for questioningCopy !req
241. but let me go when they decided
I wasn't a threat to anybodyCopy !req
242. except myself.Copy !req
243. The sixth job I had
was for the United States ArmyCopy !req
244. in the stationery supply department.Copy !req
245. Because I am good with numbersCopy !req
246. I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.Copy !req
247. One day they did a security checkCopy !req
248. and asked whether I was a member
of any radical groups.Copy !req
249. I told them I was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.Copy !req
250. They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.Copy !req
251. Fortunately, I did not remember
to tell them I was once a communist.Copy !req
252. Have you ever been a communist?Copy !req
253. Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?Copy !req
254. When I was 9, a crow attacked me
on my way to school.Copy !req
255. I had to have three stitchesCopy !req
256. and in spring I now wear a helmet
with eyes I have painted on.Copy !req
257. People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet.Copy !req
258. I'm not sure why.Copy !req
259. People often confuse me
but I try not to let them worry me.Copy !req
260. New York is a very busy
and noisy place.Copy !req
261. I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieterCopy !req
262. like the moon.Copy !req
263. I don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.Copy !req
264. New York has all theseCopy !req
265. especially the smells.Copy !req
266. I often wear nose and ear plugs
when I go outside.Copy !req
267. It helps keep me calm.Copy !req
268. I find humans interesting but I have
trouble understanding them.Copy !req
269. I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.Copy !req
270. You appear very happy and I think
you would smell like a shrimpCopy !req
271. as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.Copy !req
272. Can you speed-read?Copy !req
273. I have taught myself to read
two pages at once -Copy !req
274. one eyeball per page.Copy !req
275. I have to go nowCopy !req
276. even though I have not told you
about my 7th job,Copy !req
277. in a condom factory.Copy !req
278. Write back soon.Copy !req
279. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
280. PS. Please find enclosed
a photo from one of those booths.Copy !req
281. PPS. Thank you for the Cherry RipeCopy !req
282. and I am glad you like chocolate
as much as I do.Copy !req
283. I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milkCopy !req
284. but I will try some this week.Copy !req
285. PPPS. I have never used a condom.Copy !req
286. Gey gezunterheyt.Copy !req
287. Max hoped
Mary would write again.Copy !req
288. He'd always wanted a friend.Copy !req
289. A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.Copy !req
290. He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutesCopy !req
291. it would take his letter
to reach Australia.Copy !req
292. Vera was not impressed...Copy !req
293. .. not impressed at all.Copy !req
294. This nutcase would not be her daughter's
penfriend, she thought.Copy !req
295. There was enough ugliness in the world.Copy !req
296. Mary would be home from school
in an hour -Copy !req
297. enough time for another cup of tea
and a bit of cricket to soothe the nervesCopy !req
298. and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.Copy !req
299. Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150.Copy !req
300. Stop! Wait!Copy !req
301. Hey, fellas, you got room
for one more bag?Copy !req
302. Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in!Copy !req
303. Good one, Kevin!Copy !req
304. Come on, Vera.
We've got some other bags to pick up!Copy !req
305. Mary, is that all the rubbish?Copy !req
306. Yep!Copy !req
307. See ya, Toots!Copy !req
308. Sweet baby Jesus.Copy !req
309. Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,Copy !req
310. Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soupCopy !req
311. and hadn't been this excitedCopy !req
312. since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.Copy !req
313. She wrote back immediatelyCopy !req
314. on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.Copy !req
315. Dear Max,
I'm so excited you've wroted back.Copy !req
316. I don't think my parents like you
so from now onCopy !req
317. send stuff to my neighbour Len HislopCopy !req
318. at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mt Waverley.Copy !req
319. He's old with no legs.Copy !req
320. They got chew'd"ed off
in World War llCopy !req
321. when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.Copy !req
322. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.Copy !req
323. He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.Copy !req
324. He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.Copy !req
325. I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.Copy !req
326. Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?Copy !req
327. Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.Copy !req
328. He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!Copy !req
329. In your letter, you said
you had no friends..Copy !req
330. Well, neither do l.Copy !req
331. Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed
on my spam sandwichCopy !req
332. and called me "poo face"
'cos of my birthmark.Copy !req
333. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid.Copy !req
334. He also laughed
'cos I had no buttons.Copy !req
335. Ethel pecked them offCopy !req
336. and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherryCopy !req
337. so she used pegs instead.Copy !req
338. When I got home, I climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.Copy !req
339. The other kids also laugh at my haircut.Copy !req
340. Dad has to cut my hair
because mum saysCopy !req
341. real hairdressers
sell your hair to ChinamenCopy !req
342. who stuff mattresses.Copy !req
343. My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says I should smile more.Copy !req
344. I told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.Copy !req
345. I don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.Copy !req
346. I better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.Copy !req
347. Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle..Copy !req
348. PS. Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?Copy !req
349. PSS. I've never been hang gliding
before or been a 'commune-ist'Copy !req
350. but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.Copy !req
351. PSSS. I'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom I madeCopy !req
352. and a cake called a lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch.Copy !req
353. Have you ever been teased?Copy !req
354. Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!Copy !req
355. Mary's letter
triggered memoriesCopy !req
356. Max had buried deep down in his shoes.Copy !req
357. We've got him cornered now.
Hey, Jew-boy, you're gonna pay...Copy !req
358. Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.Copy !req
359. And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.Copy !req
360. And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...Copy !req
361. .. and after only two hours sleep,Copy !req
362. Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.Copy !req
363. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
364. thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.Copy !req
365. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended
the bits with milk and icecreamCopy !req
366. and now I am drinking it right now.Copy !req
367. After much thought, I think I have
a solution to your teasing.Copy !req
368. Tell Bernie Clifford
your birthmark is made of chocolate,Copy !req
369. which means when you get to heavenCopy !req
370. you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.Copy !req
371. This of course is a lie -
I do not like lies -Copy !req
372. but in this case
I think it will be of benefit.Copy !req
373. I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolateCopy !req
374. but, of course, I cannot
because of my atheism..Copy !req
375. My neighbour lvy is also an atheist..Copy !req
376. She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.Copy !req
377. She is partly blindCopy !req
378. and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!Copy !req
379. I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be impolite.Copy !req
380. Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights.Copy !req
381. Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,Copy !req
382. Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,Copy !req
383. Wednesdays -
Captain Salty's Fishstix,Copy !req
384. Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy BlintzCopy !req
385. and Fridays - chicken nuggets.Copy !req
386. On Saturday nights
I create my own recipes.Copy !req
387. Last week I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.Copy !req
388. Recipes are like
mathematical equations.Copy !req
389. Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigeratorCopy !req
390. and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.Copy !req
391. I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my headCopy !req
392. but not all at once.Copy !req
393. Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?Copy !req
394. My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be workingCopy !req
395. and just make me tense.Copy !req
396. It would be good
if there was a "Fat Fairy".Copy !req
397. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy
but would suck out your fat.Copy !req
398. Ivy says she is only a "little bit" blind
but I think she is very blind.Copy !req
399. She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.Copy !req
400. She could make the end pointyCopy !req
401. and collect rubbish at the same time.Copy !req
402. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.Copy !req
403. He will be very impressed.Copy !req
404. Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.Copy !req
405. She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.Copy !req
406. She says I smell like liquorice
and old books.Copy !req
407. I think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.Copy !req
408. I have never told her thisCopy !req
409. as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.Copy !req
410. People often think
I am tactless and rude.Copy !req
411. I cannot understand how
being honest can be... improper.Copy !req
412. Maybe this is why
I don't have any friendsCopy !req
413. of course except for you.Copy !req
414. A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.Copy !req
415. The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.Copy !req
416. Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goalsCopy !req
417. but not stupid ones like mine.Copy !req
418. I have now run out of things to tell you.Copy !req
419. Please, write soon.Copy !req
420. Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
421. PS. Do not worry about not smiling.Copy !req
422. My mouth hardly ever smilesCopy !req
423. but it does not mean
I am not smiling inside my brain.Copy !req
424. PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,Copy !req
425. some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,Copy !req
426. and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.Copy !req
427. PPPS. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?Copy !req
428. Dear Max,Copy !req
429. when I told Bernie CliffordCopy !req
430. I'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,Copy !req
431. he cried.Copy !req
432. I also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.Copy !req
433. Your advice was great and
I've got a job delivering pamphletsCopy !req
434. so I can save to come and see you.Copy !req
435. I am sad to hear you are fat.Copy !req
436. Mum says I am fat too
and I'm growing up to be a heifer,Copy !req
437. which I think is a type of cow.Copy !req
438. Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.Copy !req
439. On Mondays you could only eatCopy !req
440. milkshakes, marshmallows
and... mustard.Copy !req
441. Oooh!Copy !req
442. For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake
and Dad gave me a camera.Copy !req
443. I hope you like the photos I sent.Copy !req
444. The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.Copy !req
445. The next one is one of myselfCopy !req
446. after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.Copy !req
447. Next is Len.Copy !req
448. He's still trying hard not to be afraid of
outside and conquer his homophobia.Copy !req
449. The next one is of dad in his shed,Copy !req
450. and then one of the times
I covered mumCopy !req
451. while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.Copy !req
452. Next, when I got my slinky
caught in my hair.Copy !req
453. Then one of the times Sonny
digged up his wife, Cher.Copy !req
454. And, finally, a photo of my other
neighbour Damian Popodopolous.Copy !req
455. He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquidCopy !req
456. and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.Copy !req
457. Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.Copy !req
458. She says you have to hit him
on the back of the headCopy !req
459. to get his words out.Copy !req
460. P-P-P-P... Popodopolous.Copy !req
461. I wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexingCopy !req
462. like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.Copy !req
463. She said it's when two people
go "nuddy"Copy !req
464. and rub on each other to make babies..Copy !req
465. I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toastCopy !req
466. 'cos babies really come
from beer glassesCopy !req
467. and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and "prosti-tubes".Copy !req
468. She said ladies get knocked upCopy !req
469. and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 yearsCopy !req
470. till they spurt out their "vag-eye-ners"
with blood and tinned spaghetti.Copy !req
471. Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?Copy !req
472. Have you done sexing?Copy !req
473. Valentine's Day is soonCopy !req
474. and I want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.Copy !req
475. Can you explain love
and how I can be "lover'd"?Copy !req
476. Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.Copy !req
477. Max knew nothing about love.Copy !req
478. It was as foreign to him as scuba divingCopy !req
479. and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.Copy !req
480. One Valentine's DayCopy !req
481. he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.Copy !req
482. The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bedCopy !req
483. was his hot water bottle.Copy !req
484. Romance and loveCopy !req
485. was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.Copy !req
486. If only Mary had asked
how a toaster worksCopy !req
487. or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.Copy !req
488. If only there was
a mathematical equation for love.Copy !req
489. He kept eating and thinking.Copy !req
490. But love was not like Max's
Rubik's Cube. It could not be solved.Copy !req
491. No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.Copy !req
492. Beat it, creep!Copy !req
493. He felt love but couldn't articulate it.Copy !req
494. Its logic was as foreign to him as...
as a salad sandwich.Copy !req
495. The stars made more sense.Copy !req
496. 12, have you responded
to the call? Over.Copy !req
497. The anxiety and stress were too much.Copy !req
498. The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.Copy !req
499. He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesityCopy !req
500. and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.Copy !req
501. They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugsCopy !req
502. and performed
the usual "therapeutic" procedures.Copy !req
503. Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.Copy !req
504. Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.Copy !req
505. Maybe America had run out of ink.Copy !req
506. Maybe his pets had eaten him.Copy !req
507. Maybe it was her.Copy !req
508. Was she too demanding,
too boring, too... ugly?Copy !req
509. Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,Copy !req
510. Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.Copy !req
511. Max had recovered.Copy !req
512. And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.Copy !req
513. But Mary still lingered in his mind..Copy !req
514. Half of him wanted to write to her
immediately.Copy !req
515. The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.Copy !req
516. At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.Copy !req
517. He was a much safer option.Copy !req
518. He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.Copy !req
519. But she was far from contentCopy !req
520. and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.Copy !req
521. Life went on as usual for MaxCopy !req
522. and even though he opted
for order and stability,Copy !req
523. misfortune was never far away.Copy !req
524. Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissedCopy !req
525. because he was labelled
mentally deficientCopy !req
526. and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...Copy !req
527. Oop.Copy !req
528. .. unlike most people.Copy !req
529. From then on,
Max cooled himself differentlyCopy !req
530. and things went back to normalCopy !req
531. until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.Copy !req
532. Welcome
to the New York LotteryCopy !req
533. and these are tonight's
winning numbers -Copy !req
534. 3, 5,Copy !req
535. 6, 9,Copy !req
536. 11 and 12!Copy !req
537. Max was sensible
with his sudden wealthCopy !req
538. and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolateCopy !req
539. and the complete Noblet collection.Copy !req
540. Two of his life goals had come true.Copy !req
541. But he still had a lot of moneyCopy !req
542. so decided to give it to lvy...Copy !req
543. .. who was also very sensible...Copy !req
544. .. until her own numbers came up.Copy !req
545. Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,Copy !req
546. whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,Copy !req
547. his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.Copy !req
548. Despite achieving all his life's goals,Copy !req
549. Max still felt incomplete..Copy !req
550. Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymoreCopy !req
551. and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.Copy !req
552. Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendshipCopy !req
553. and there was just no comparison.Copy !req
554. She missed him tooCopy !req
555. but no longer saved to see him..Copy !req
556. She now saved
for a different reason.Copy !req
557. One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.Copy !req
558. Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.Copy !req
559. He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,Copy !req
560. not through the eyes,Copy !req
561. and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.Copy !req
562. Max understood.Copy !req
563. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
564. there is something I have to tell youCopy !req
565. which will explain
why I have not written.Copy !req
566. Each time I received one of your letters,
I had a severe anxiety attack.Copy !req
567. This is because recently,
while I was in a mental institution,Copy !req
568. they diagnosed that I have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,Copy !req
569. which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.Copy !req
570. I prefer "Aspie" for short.Copy !req
571. I will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.Copy !req
572. No. 1 - I find the world
very confusing and chaoticCopy !req
573. because my mind
is very literal and logical.Copy !req
574. 2 - I have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.Copy !req
575. When I was younger, I made a book
to help me when I was confused.Copy !req
576. I still have trouble with some people.Copy !req
577. Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinklesCopy !req
578. and because her eyebrows weren't real.Copy !req
579. 3 - I have bad handwriting,Copy !req
580. am hypersensitive...Copy !req
581. .. clumsyCopy !req
582. and can get very concerned.Copy !req
583. 4 - I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing.Copy !req
584. And finally No. 5 -
I have trouble expressing my emotions.Copy !req
585. Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defectiveCopy !req
586. but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.Copy !req
587. I do not like it when he says this.Copy !req
588. I do not feel disabled, defective
or I need to be cured.Copy !req
589. I like being an Aspie.Copy !req
590. It would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.Copy !req
591. There is one thing
I wish I could change, however.Copy !req
592. I wish I could cry properly.Copy !req
593. I squeeze and squeeze
but nothing... comes out.Copy !req
594. I cry when I cut onions
but this does not count.Copy !req
595. Anyway, do you like the word
'cumquat'?Copy !req
596. It is a type of fruit.Copy !req
597. Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?Copy !req
598. My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,Copy !req
599. Vladivostok, bananaCopy !req
600. and testicle.Copy !req
601. I have also invented some new words -Copy !req
602. "confuzzled", which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,Copy !req
603. "'snirt", which is a cross between
snow and dirt,Copy !req
604. and "smushables"...Copy !req
605. .. which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.Copy !req
606. I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary peopleCopy !req
607. asking them to include my wordsCopy !req
608. but I have not heard back.Copy !req
609. It is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.Copy !req
610. There is a woman there
called Marjorie ButtersworthCopy !req
611. who confuzzles me.Copy !req
612. She kisses me without my permissionCopy !req
613. so tonight I have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.Copy !req
614. Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
615. PS. Please find enclosedCopy !req
616. some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.Copy !req
617. PPS. Not much has happened
since I last wroteCopy !req
618. except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and lvy's death.Copy !req
619. Mary was thrilled
Max had finally writtenCopy !req
620. and suddenly had a fabulous idea.Copy !req
621. Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitatedCopy !req
622. and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.Copy !req
623. Inside Max's head
his brain was smiling.Copy !req
624. Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,Copy !req
625. their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.Copy !req
626. Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with cautionCopy !req
627. and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,Copy !req
628. take his medication
and soothe his nerves.Copy !req
629. Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,Copy !req
630. which also soothed his nerves.Copy !req
631. He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like -Copy !req
632. Do sheep shrink when it rains?Copy !req
633. Why do old men
wear their pants so high?Copy !req
634. Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?Copy !req
635. Are there Noblets in heaven?Copy !req
636. And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?Copy !req
637. In turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life -Copy !req
638. how many people
he'd counted littering...Copy !req
639. ..how the latest Henry had died...Copy !req
640. .. and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.Copy !req
641. Each nourished the otherCopy !req
642. and, as Mary grew taller,Copy !req
643. Max grew wider -Copy !req
644. their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.Copy !req
645. Although Max found solace in Mary,Copy !req
646. he still found the rest of the world
bewildering.Copy !req
647. And he couldn't understandCopy !req
648. why he was seen as the odd oneCopy !req
649. while everyone else
was considered normal.Copy !req
650. Humans were endlessly illogical.Copy !req
651. Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in lndia?Copy !req
652. Why did they clear the rainforests
when they needed the oxygen?Copy !req
653. And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?Copy !req
654. He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite -Copy !req
655. the universe and man's stupidity.Copy !req
656. And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence...Copy !req
657. Bullseye!Copy !req
658. .. her world was far from perfect.Copy !req
659. The grip of love had her by the throat.Copy !req
660. At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th 1988...Copy !req
661. .. Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last stringCopy !req
662. and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.Copy !req
663. To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermyCopy !req
664. and taking up metal detecting instead.Copy !req
665. But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.Copy !req
666. In his will, Noel had left Mary
some moneyCopy !req
667. so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,Copy !req
668. yearning to learn more about her friend.Copy !req
669. Mary was as popular at university
as she was at school.Copy !req
670. Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.Copy !req
671. Hi there, M-M-Mary.Copy !req
672. Hi... hello!Copy !req
673. That was damn f-f-funny!Copy !req
674. Hey, Damian,
your mum's roses look fab!Copy !req
675. Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary.Copy !req
676. Um, M-Mary,
can I tell you something?Copy !req
677. Sure, babe!Copy !req
678. Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.Copy !req
679. Dear Max,Copy !req
680. I have been such an idiot.Copy !req
681. I've wasted all my money
on something pointlessCopy !req
682. when I should have been saving
to see you.Copy !req
683. I know love upsets you
so I won't go on about it.Copy !req
684. All I want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.Copy !req
685. I hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.Copy !req
686. Love Mary.Copy !req
687. Oh, you should be ashamed!Copy !req
688. - Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Oh, Mum...Copy !req
689. I told you never to talk to strangers.Copy !req
690. Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guiltCopy !req
691. and she coped
in the only way she knew.Copy !req
692. Dear Max,Copy !req
693. our wedding day was everything
I have ever dreamt,Copy !req
694. making up for the terrible year I've had.Copy !req
695. Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,Copy !req
696. I felt very welcome.Copy !req
697. Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.Copy !req
698. And for our honeymoonCopy !req
699. he took me to Mykonos -
his favourite island in Greece.Copy !req
700. I got to ride a donkeyCopy !req
701. and found the perfect gift for Len.Copy !req
702. Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.Copy !req
703. Aaaaahhhh!Copy !req
704. Damian and I are so similar.Copy !req
705. He even has his own penfriend, who lives
on a sheep farm in New Zealand.Copy !req
706. Mary... M-M-M-Mary.Copy !req
707. Mary was bursting with self-esteemCopy !req
708. and her confidence
was almost unbearable.Copy !req
709. At university, she shoneCopy !req
710. and took it upon herself
to cure the world of mental illness.Copy !req
711. She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndromeCopy !req
712. and used Max as her case study.Copy !req
713. Her professors
were thoroughly impressedCopy !req
714. and her writing praised far and wide.Copy !req
715. Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insightCopy !req
716. and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.Copy !req
717. Dear Max,Copy !req
718. I am very proud to give youCopy !req
719. the very first copy of my book
about your disabilityCopy !req
720. and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.Copy !req
721. Even more excitingCopy !req
722. is that I am finally coming to meet and
celebrate with you in one week's time.Copy !req
723. I'm also going to give you
half the royalties.Copy !req
724. Your loving friend, Mary.Copy !req
725. PS. Please find enclosed
some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.Copy !req
726. Max didn't take the news
very well -Copy !req
727. not very well at all.Copy !req
728. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
729. I cannot express myself
very clearly at this momentCopy !req
730. and so I will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense -Copy !req
731. hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal,
discomfort, distress and wheeziness.Copy !req
732. This last one is not really an emotionCopy !req
733. but I thought you should know about it
anyway.Copy !req
734. With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.Copy !req
735. She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.Copy !req
736. But her excitement
suddenly dribbled awayCopy !req
737. like a chocolate in the sun.Copy !req
738. Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathingCopy !req
739. and cooking sherry.Copy !req
740. The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,Copy !req
741. only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.Copy !req
742. She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in herCopy !req
743. as a horrible apparition began to haunt.Copy !req
744. She started to spend her nights
making pompomsCopy !req
745. and eating two-minute noodles.Copy !req
746. Each day, with strength and shame,Copy !req
747. Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,Copy !req
748. only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.Copy !req
749. My dearest Mary,Copy !req
750. by the time you read this,
I will be on a plane to New ZealandCopy !req
751. to begin a new life.Copy !req
752. You probably haven 't even noticed
I'd packed my bags.Copy !req
753. I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,Copy !req
754. and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.Copy !req
755. It's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.Copy !req
756. Your research into m-m-mental illness
has been admirableCopy !req
757. but your I-idealistic pursuit to remedy it
has been misguided.Copy !req
758. Mary, you have to realise y-you are not
a magic beauty creamCopy !req
759. you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.Copy !req
760. I love you, Mary,Copy !req
761. but I love Desmond more.Copy !req
762. I hope one day your heart will heal
and we can be friends.Copy !req
763. Yours compassionately,
Damian.Copy !req
764. Aaaarghh!Copy !req
765. Dear Mayor Ridiculani,Copy !req
766. on Monday I counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.Copy !req
767. I would like to recommend
the fine be increasedCopy !req
768. to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrentCopy !req
769. and would be happy...Copy !req
770. Thank you.Copy !req
771. Sorry.Copy !req
772. Dear Mary,Copy !req
773. please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collectionCopy !req
774. as a sign that I forgive you.Copy !req
775. When I received your book,
the emotions inside...Copy !req
776. On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.Copy !req
777. He felt complete -Copy !req
778. the world was back in balance.Copy !req
779. Len had saved the day
and after 45 yearsCopy !req
780. he finally conquered his agoraphobia.Copy !req
781. Moron!Copy !req
782. Dear Mary,Copy !req
783. please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collectionCopy !req
784. as a sign that I forgive you.Copy !req
785. When I received your book,
the emotions inside my brainCopy !req
786. felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.Copy !req
787. The hurt felt like when I accidentally
stapled my lips together.Copy !req
788. The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.Copy !req
789. You are imperfect, and so am l.Copy !req
790. All humans are imperfect,Copy !req
791. even the man outside my apartment
who litters.Copy !req
792. When I was young,
I wanted to be anybody but myself.Copy !req
793. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert islandCopy !req
794. then I would have to get used
to my own company -Copy !req
795. just me and the coconuts.Copy !req
796. He said I would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,Copy !req
797. and that we don't get to choose
our warts.Copy !req
798. They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.Copy !req
799. We can, however, choose our friendsCopy !req
800. and I am glad I have chosen you.Copy !req
801. Dr Bernard Hazelhof also saidCopy !req
802. that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.Copy !req
803. Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,Copy !req
804. have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.Copy !req
805. Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.Copy !req
806. Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meetCopy !req
807. and we can share
a can of condensed milk.Copy !req
808. You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.Copy !req
809. Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
810. PS. I have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.Copy !req
811. All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.Copy !req
812. Max?Copy !req
813. Max?Copy !req
814. Max?Copy !req
815. Hello?Copy !req
816. Max, it's us!Copy !req
817. We're here!Copy !req
818. Oh, Max?Copy !req
819. Max had died peacefully
that morningCopy !req
820. after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.Copy !req
821. You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.Copy !req
822. He smelt like liquorice
and old books, she thought to herself,Copy !req
823. as tears rolled from her eyesCopy !req
824. the colour of muddy puddles.Copy !req