1. L'?
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2. L'?
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3. L'?
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4. Male narrator:
Mary Dinkle's eyes
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5. were the color
of muddy puddles;
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6. her birthmark,
the color of poo.
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7. It was Saturday afternoon,
and she was bored.
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8. Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.
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9. Mary's mood ring,
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10. which she'd found
in a cereal box, was gray,
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11. which, according to the chart,
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12. meant she was either pensive,
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13. unconsciously ambitious,
or hungry.
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14. Her only friends
were the Noblets
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15. from her favorite cartoon.
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16. They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops
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17. but fake ones that she had
to make herself
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18. from shells,
gumnuts, pompoms,
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19. and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.
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20. She had to make
all her own toys,
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21. and her favorites
were shrinkies,
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22. potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.
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23. Mary's father,
Noel Norman Dinkle,
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24. worked in a factory attaching
the strings to tea bags.
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25. At show-and-tell,
she told the class
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26. he could get as many
free tea bags as he wanted.
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27. Her favorite tea bag
was Earl Grey.
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28. She loved saying, "Earl Grey,"
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29. and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.
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30. They would live in a castle
in Scotland,
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31. have nine babies,
two ducks,
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32. and a dog called Kevin.
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33. Noel's hobby was to sit
in his shed
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34. and drink
Bailey's Irish Cream
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35. and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.
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36. Mary wished he'd spend
more time with her
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37. and less
with his dead friends.
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38. She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.
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39. Her mother had told her
she was an accident.
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40. How could someone be
an accident?
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41. Grand-Poppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate,
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42. and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.
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43. Grand-Poppy Ralph had smelt
like pickled onions
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44. and had been a member
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45. of the Frankston Ice Breakers
for 51 years.
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46. They swam in winter
to feel alive.
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47. Grand-Poppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.
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48. He had died the year before,
aged 74,
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49. and his best mate, Ken,
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50. had recited a poem
in his honor.
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51. "Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,
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52. Ralph lived a long life,
then died of pneumonia."
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53. Mary missed him
and often wondered
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54. why he had drunk ammonia.
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55. A lot of things puzzled Mary,
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56. especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.
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57. To Mary,
Vera always seemed wobbly.
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58. A pretty vicious pull,
that one.
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59. And he's out!
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60. Vera liked listening
to the cricket while baking,
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61. and her main ingredient
was always sherry.
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62. She told Mary
it was a type of tea
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63. for grown-ups
that needed constant testing.
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64. Slam!
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65. Narrator". Mary thought
her mother tested the sherry...
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66. Way too much.
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67. Mary also
couldn't understand
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68. why Vera was always borrowing.
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69. Yesterday, she borrowed some
fish fingers from aisle six.
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70. She told Mary she put things
up her dress
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71. to save on plastic bags.
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72. Vera was indeed
a complicated soul.
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73. Ooh!
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74. Narrator.
Mary stopped daydreaming
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75. and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.
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76. Her father had found
the rooster
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77. on the side of the freeway
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78. after it had fallen off
the back of a slaughter truck.
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79. She named him Ethel.
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80. It was time to watch
The Noblets.
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81. She adored The Noblets,
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82. because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot,
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83. and had oodles of friends.
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84. There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,
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85. than the smell
of a wet rooster,
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86. the sound
of rain on the roof,
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87. and the taste
of sweetened condensed milk
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88. straight from the can
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89. while watching
your favorite cartoon.
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90. Ah.
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91. L'?
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92. Meanwhile,
a man called Max Horowitz
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93. also watched The Noblets.
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94. Max's small television
had picture but no sound;
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95. his big television, sound
but no picture.
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96. He was 44 and liked the Noblets
because they lived
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97. in a delineated and articulated
social structure
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98. with constant
adherent conformity,
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99. and also because they had
oodles of friends.
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100. Max had trouble sleeping
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101. and had spent the night
watching television
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102. and catching fish food.
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103. He noted to himself
it was the sixth fly
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104. he'd caught this evening.
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105. He wondered if he should go
to bed and count sheep
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106. or have one more
chocolate hot dog.
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107. He thought he'd try both.
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108. But it didn't work.
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109. It had been 6 hours
and 12 minutes
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110. since Henry the Eighth
had passed away.
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111. And Henry's death had thrown
Max's life into disarray.
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112. It had become asymmetrical,
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113. and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better.
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114. Tomorrow he would go
to the pet store
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115. and get another Henry:
Henry the Ninth.
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116. Next.
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117. It was shopping day,
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118. and Mary sat patiently
while her mother...
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119. borrowed some envelopes.
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120. To fill in time,
she scanned the room
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121. and counted how many things
were brown.
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122. There was sticky tape,
rubber bands,
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123. and a phone book
with a picture of a lady
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124. standing in a brown lake
with her hand on fire.
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125. "People had weird names
in America,'
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126. Mary Daisy Dinkle
thought to herself,
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127. funny-sounding people called
Rockefeller and Finkelstein.
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128. She wondered
what they looked like,
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129. how old they were,
and if they were married,
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130. wore glasses, or had found
babies in their beer.
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131. Maybe in America,
people found babies elsewhere.
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132. Hmm.
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133. Narrator". They drank
a lot of cola.
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134. Maybe they found them
in cans.
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135. But no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.
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136. ding!
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137. Mary had an idea.
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138. She would write
to one of the Americans
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139. and ask
where babies came from.
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140. She chose a Mr. M. Horowitz.
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141. Mrs. Dinkle!
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142. Come back here!
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143. Vera Dinkle!
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144. You come back here!
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145. "Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,
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146. "my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle,
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147. "and I am eight years old,
three months, and nine days.
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148. "My favorite color is brown,
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149. "and my favorite food
is sweetened condensed milk,
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150. "followed closely by chocolate.
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151. "I have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.
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152. He doesn't lay eggs
but will one day."
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153. po')!
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154. "My mother likes smoking,
cricket, and sherry,
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155. "and my father likes playing
in his shed with dead birds.
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156. 'Where do babies come from
in America?
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157. "Do they come from cola cans?
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158. "In Australia, they are found
in beer glasses.
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159. "Here is a drawing of me.
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160. "I can't draw ears proper
but am good at teeth.
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161. "It would be great
if you could write back
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162. "and be my friend.
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163. "Yours sin-cereal-y,
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164. "Mary Daisy Dinkle.
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165. "P.S., I hope you like
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166. "the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.
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167. It's called a Cherry Ripe."
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168. Mm-mm-mm.
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169. Good-bye, letter!
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170. Don't forget to write.
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171. Narrator.
Max hated Thursdays,
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172. the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting,
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173. and tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled,
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174. because he'd eaten
two chocolate hot dogs
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175. on his way there.
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176. Okay, class.
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177. Eating chocolate
was breaking the rules.
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178. He'd found the night
even more unbearable
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179. because of Marjorie
Butterworth's strange glances.
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180. Class dismissed.
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181. Max had trouble understanding
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182. nonverbal signals.
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183. Flirting was as foreign
to him as jogging.
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184. Max found most people
very confusing,
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185. but little did Max realize
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186. his night was about to become
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187. even more confusing
and cryptic.
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188. Hmm.
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189. He read
Mary's letter four times...
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190. and then did
what he normally did
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191. whenever confronted with
something new and stressful.
Copy !req
192. Max's fragile existence
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193. had once again become
unsettled.
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194. And after staring
out of the window for 18 hours,
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195. he finally he made a decision.
Copy !req
196. Ding!
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197. Ding!
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198. Ding!
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199. Ding!
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200. Ah!
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201. "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
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202. "thank you for the letter,
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203. "which I opened and read
at 9:17 p.m.,
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204. "after my
Overeaters Anonymous class.
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205. "I am trying to lose weight,
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206. "because my psychiatrist,
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof,
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207. says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind."
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208. Ooh.
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209. "He says my mind
is not that healthy.
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210. "Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.
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211. "I have never met anyone
from Australia.
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212. "Firstly, I will answer
your question.
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213. "Unfortunately,
in America,
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214. "babies are not found
in cola cans.
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215. "I asked my mother
when I was four,
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216. "and she said they came
from eggs laid by rabbis.
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217. "If you aren't Jewish,
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218. "they're laid by Catholic nuns.
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219. "If you're an atheist,
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220. "they're laid by
dirty, lonely prostitutes.
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221. "So this is where babies
come from in America.
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222. "I share my home with a fish,
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223. "some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...
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224. "A parakeet
called Mr. Biscuit,
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225. "and finally,
a cat called Hal.
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226. "Hal is an abbreviation
for halitosis,
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227. "from which he suffers.
Copy !req
228. "He followed me home
after a gang of children
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229. shot his eye out
with a BB gun."
Copy !req
230. "Do you have a pet kangaroo?
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231. "When I was born,
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232. "my father left my mother and me
on a kibbutz.
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233. "She shot herself with
my uncle's gun when I was six.
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234. "Do you like
chocolate hot dogs?
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235. "I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.
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236. "When I was young,
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237. "I invented an invisible friend
called Mr. Ravioli.
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238. "My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymore,
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239. "so he just sits in the corner
and reads.
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240. "Last week, I picked up
128 cigarette butts.
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241. "People are always littering
in New York.
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242. "I do not understand
why people break laws.
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243. "Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea,
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244. "and fish smoke them
and become nicotine-dependent.
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245. "I am just joking,
because, of course,
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246. "it is impossible
for a cigarette
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247. "to remain lit underwater.
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248. "Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.
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249. "I am 44 years old
and have eight tracksuits
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250. "the same color and size.
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251. I weigh 352 pounds..."
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252. Ooh!
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253. "And am as tall
as a six-foot tree."
Copy !req
254. Welcome
to the New York Lottery.
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255. "I enjoy entering the lottery
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256. "and have chosen
the same numbers for nine years.
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257. Those numbers are
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258. 1...
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259. 4...
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260. - "e..."
- 25...
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261. - "9..."
- 2...
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262. - "11..."
- 7.
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263. - "And 12."
- a.
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264. Are you a winner or a loser?
Copy !req
265. "I have had many different
jobs during my life.
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266. "My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.
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267. "My second job was
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268. "at Yiddel's Gourmet
Kosher Supplies,
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269. "where I worked at the machine
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270. "that made prepackaged
noodle kugels.
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271. "I was born Jewish
and used to believe in God
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272. "but have since read many books
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273. "that have proven God is just
a figment of my imagination.
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274. "People like to believe in God
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275. "because it answers
complicated questions
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276. "like, 'Where did the universe
come from?'
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277. "'Do worms go to heaven?'
Copy !req
278. "'And why do old ladies
have blue hair?'
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279. "Even though I'm an atheist,
I still wear my yarmulke,
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280. "as it keeps my brain warm.
Copy !req
281. "My third job was
for a company
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282. "that printed logos
on novelty items.
Copy !req
283. "I worked at
the Frisbee printing machine.
Copy !req
284. "A Frisbee is
a circular plastic disk
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285. "that people throw
at each other.
Copy !req
286. "It is like a boomerang,
but it does not come back.
Copy !req
287. "My fourth job was when I was
called up for jury duty.
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288. "I didn't get paid much
Copy !req
289. "but got free cookies
and coffee.
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290. "Jurors are outstanding members
of the community
Copy !req
291. "who haven't murdered anybody.
Copy !req
292. "I made it to the short list
for a trial
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293. "where a man killed
all his friends
Copy !req
294. "at his own surprise
birthday party.
Copy !req
295. "Unfortunately,
I didn't get selected
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296. "because they found out I'd been
a mental patient at one point.
Copy !req
297. "Have you ever been
hang gliding?
Copy !req
298. "My fifth job was
as a garbage collector.
Copy !req
299. "I got to clean up
after litterbugs
Copy !req
300. "and didn't have
to talk to anybody.
Copy !req
301. Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot."
Copy !req
302. This is 9-1-1.
Copy !req
303. Your call has been placed
in a queue.
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304. "One time, the police
took me in for questioning
Copy !req
305. "but let me go
when they decided
Copy !req
306. "I wasn't a threat to anybody
except myself.
Copy !req
307. "The sixth job I had was
for the United States Army
Copy !req
308. "in the stationery supply
department.
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309. "Because I am good
with numbers,
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310. "I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.
Copy !req
311. "One day they did
a security check
Copy !req
312. "and asked whether I was
a member of any radical groups.
Copy !req
313. "I told them I was a member
Copy !req
314. "of the New York
Science Fiction Fan Club.
Copy !req
315. "They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.
Copy !req
316. "Fortunately,
I did not remember to tell them
Copy !req
317. "I was once a Communist.
Copy !req
318. "Have you ever been
a Communist?
Copy !req
319. "Have you ever been attacked
by a crow
Copy !req
320. "or similar large bird?
Copy !req
321. "When I was nine,
Copy !req
322. "a crow attacked me
on my way to school.
Copy !req
323. "I had to have three stitches,
Copy !req
324. "and in spring,
I now wear a helmet
Copy !req
325. "with eyes I have painted on.
Copy !req
326. "People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet,
Copy !req
327. "but I'm not sure why.
Copy !req
328. "People often confuse me,
Copy !req
329. "but I try not to let them
worry me.
Copy !req
330. "New York is a very busy
and noisy place.
Copy !req
331. "I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter,
Copy !req
332. "like the moon.
Copy !req
333. "I don't like crowds,
Copy !req
334. "bright lights, sudden noises,
or strong smells.
Copy !req
335. "New York has all these,
especially the smells.
Copy !req
336. "I often wear nose and earplugs
when I go outside.
Copy !req
337. "It helps keep me calm.
Copy !req
338. "I find humans interesting,
Copy !req
339. "but I have trouble
understanding them.
Copy !req
340. "I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.
Copy !req
341. "You appear very happy,
Copy !req
342. "and I think you would smell
like a shrimp,
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343. "as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.
Copy !req
344. "Can you speed-read?
Copy !req
345. "I have taught myself to read
two pages at once:
Copy !req
346. "one eyeball per page.
Copy !req
347. "I have to go now,
Copy !req
348. "even though
I have not told you
Copy !req
349. "about my seventh job
in a condom factory.
Copy !req
350. "Write back soon.
Copy !req
351. "Your American friend,
Copy !req
352. "Max Jerry Horowitz.
Copy !req
353. "P.S., please find enclosed
Copy !req
354. "a photo
from one of those booths.
Copy !req
355. "P.P.S., thank you
for the Cherry Ripe,
Copy !req
356. "and I am glad you like
chocolate as much as I do.
Copy !req
357. "I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk,
Copy !req
358. "but I will try some this week.
Copy !req
359. P.P.P.S., I have never
used a condom."
Copy !req
360. Narrator". Max hoped Mary
would write again.
Copy !req
361. He'd always wanted a friend,
Copy !req
362. a friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet, or rubber figurine.
Copy !req
363. He counted the stars
Copy !req
364. and wondered how many days,
hours, minutes
Copy !req
365. it would take his letter
to reach Australia.
Copy !req
366. Vera was not impressed...
Copy !req
367. Narrator.
Not impressed at all.
Copy !req
368. There was no way this nutcase
was going to be
Copy !req
369. her daughter's pen-friend,
she thought to herself.
Copy !req
370. There was enough ugliness
in the world.
Copy !req
371. Mary would be home from school
in an hour,
Copy !req
372. enough time for another cup
of tea and a bit of cricket
Copy !req
373. to soothe the nerves
and dissolve the memory
Copy !req
374. of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.
Copy !req
375. And he's out,
Copy !req
376. found the lead for 14,
England, 7...
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377. L'?
Copy !req
378. " Stop!
Copy !req
379. Wait!
Copy !req
380. Hey, fellas, you got room
for one more bag?
Copy !req
381. Sure, Mrs. Dinkle.
Copy !req
382. HOP in!
Copy !req
383. Good one, Kevin.
Copy !req
384. Oh.
Copy !req
385. Come on, Vera,
Copy !req
386. we've got some other bags
to pick up.
Copy !req
387. Hmm.
Copy !req
388. Hmm.
Copy !req
389. Mmph!
Copy !req
390. Mary, is that all
your rubbish?
Copy !req
391. Yep!
Copy !req
392. See ya, toots!
Copy !req
393. Sweet baby Jesus.
Copy !req
394. Narrator. Even though
Max's letter
Copy !req
395. smelled like fish heads
and orange peel,
Copy !req
396. Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup
Copy !req
397. and hadn't been this excited
since Grand-Poppy Ralph
Copy !req
398. had found a coin up her nose.
Copy !req
399. She wrote back immediately
on some butchefs paper
Copy !req
400. she'd stolen from some chops.
Copy !req
401. "Dear Max, I am so excited
you've wroted back.
Copy !req
402. "I don't think
my parents like you,
Copy !req
403. "so from now on,
Copy !req
404. "send stuff to my neighbor,
Len Hislop,
Copy !req
405. "at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mount Waverley.
Copy !req
406. "He's old with no legs.
Copy !req
407. "They got cheweded off
in World War II
Copy !req
408. when some Japanese peoples kept
him in a cage above piranhas."
Copy !req
409. "Piranhas are goldfish
that have teeth.
Copy !req
410. "He's scared of outside,
Copy !req
411. which is a disease
called homophobia."
Copy !req
412. "He's started giving me 50¢
a week to get his mail.
Copy !req
413. "I'm saving to buy a castle
in Scotland
Copy !req
414. "and marry a man
called Earl Grey.
Copy !req
415. "Do you get The Noblets
in America?
Copy !req
416. 'Well, my favorite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.
Copy !req
417. "He wants to be
everyone's friend,
Copy !req
418. "even the boys!
Copy !req
419. "In your letter,
you said you had no friends.
Copy !req
420. Well, neither do I."
Copy !req
421. - Mm-hmm!
- Ooh!
Copy !req
422. "Yesterday at school,
Copy !req
423. "Bernie Clifford weed
on my Spam sandwich
Copy !req
424. "and called me poo-face
'cause of my birthmark.
Copy !req
425. "I wish I could peel it off
like a Band-Aid.
Copy !req
426. "He also laughed,
'cause I had no buttons.
Copy !req
427. "Ethel pecked them off,
Copy !req
428. "and Mum couldn't thread
a needle,
Copy !req
429. "'cause she'd been testing
the sherry.
Copy !req
430. "So she used pegs instead.
Copy !req
431. "When I got home,
Copy !req
432. "I climbed into my secret place
till dinnertime.
Copy !req
433. "The other kids also laugh
at my haircut.
Copy !req
434. "Dad has to cut my hair,
Copy !req
435. "because Mum says
real hairdressers sell your hair
Copy !req
436. "to Chinamen
who stuff mattresses.
Copy !req
437. "My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast,
says I should smile more.
Copy !req
438. "I told my mum.
Copy !req
439. "And so she drawed
a big smile on me.
Copy !req
440. "I don't think Mrs. Pendergast
likes me anymore.
Copy !req
441. "I better go now.
Copy !req
442. "My tears are smudg-ling
my words.
Copy !req
443. "Your friend in Australia,
Copy !req
444. "Mary Daisy Dinkle.
Copy !req
445. "P.S., have you
ever been teased?
Copy !req
446. "Can you help me?
Copy !req
447. "P.S.S., I've never been
hang gliding before
Copy !req
448. "or been a Commune-mt
Copy !req
449. "but would love a Frisbee
Copy !req
450. "and your recipe
for chocolate hot dogs.
Copy !req
451. "P.S.S.S., I'm sending you
some Australian chocolate,
Copy !req
452. "a pompom I made,
and a cake called a Lamington,
Copy !req
453. which I was meant to eat
for lunch."
Copy !req
454. "Have you ever been teased?"
Copy !req
455. Mary's letter
triggered memories
Copy !req
456. Max had buried deep down
in his shoes.
Copy !req
457. He's going that way.
Copy !req
458. We've got him cornered now!
Copy !req
459. Hey, Jew boy, you're gonna pay.
Copy !req
460. Take this, Jew boy!
Copy !req
461. Jew boy, Jew boy, Jew boy!
Copy !req
462. And as usual,
Copy !req
463. he coped in the only way
he knew.
Copy !req
464. Narrator. And 36
chocolate hot dogs later...
Copy !req
465. And after
only two hours' sleep,
Copy !req
466. Max's meltdown faded away,
Copy !req
467. and an idea popped
into his brain.
Copy !req
468. ding!
Copy !req
469. "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Copy !req
470. "thank you for your letter,
chocolate bar,
Copy !req
471. "Lamington, and pompom.
Copy !req
472. "The chocolate got crushed,
Copy !req
473. "so I blended the bits
with milk and ice cream,
Copy !req
474. "and now I am drinking it
right now.
Copy !req
475. "After much thought,
Copy !req
476. "I think I have a solution
to your teasing.
Copy !req
477. "Tell Bernie Clifford
Copy !req
478. "your birthmark
is made of chocolate,
Copy !req
479. "which means
when you get to heaven,
Copy !req
480. "you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.
Copy !req
481. "This, of course, is a lie.
Copy !req
482. "I do not like lies,
but in this case,
Copy !req
483. "I think it will be
of benefit.
Copy !req
484. "I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolate,
Copy !req
485. "but, of course, I cannot,
because of my atheism.
Copy !req
486. "My neighbor Ivy
is also an atheist.
Copy !req
487. "She doesn't talk much
Copy !req
488. "but makes me very good soup
on Sunday nights.
Copy !req
489. "She is partly blind,
Copy !req
490. and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup."
Copy !req
491. Ew...
Copy !req
492. "I do not tell her,
Copy !req
493. "as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
this would be impolite.
Copy !req
494. "Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights:
Copy !req
495. Glicks Potato Knish;
Copy !req
496. 'Tuesdays:
Yiddel's Noodle Kugel;
Copy !req
497. 'Wednesdays:
Captain Salty's Fishstix;
Copy !req
498. 'Thursdays:
Yentl's Cheezy Blintz;
Copy !req
499. "and Fridays:
Chiken Nuggets.
Copy !req
500. "On Saturday nights,
I create my own recipes.
Copy !req
501. "Last week, I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.
Copy !req
502. "Recipes are like
mathematical equations.
Copy !req
503. "Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me
Copy !req
504. "you should never weigh more
than your refrigerator
Copy !req
505. "and to never eat anything
bigger than your head.
Copy !req
506. "I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head
Copy !req
507. "but not all at once.
Copy !req
508. "Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?
Copy !req
509. "My Overeaters Anonymous
meetings
Copy !req
510. don't seem to be working
and just make me tense."
Copy !req
511. Quip!
Copy !req
512. "It would be good
if there was a fat fairy."
Copy !req
513. "She would be a bit like
the tooth fairy
Copy !req
514. "but would suck out your fat.
Copy !req
515. "Ivy says she is only
a little bit blind,
Copy !req
516. "but I think
she is very blind.
Copy !req
517. "She should get a cane
Copy !req
518. "like other
vision-impaired people.
Copy !req
519. "She could make the end pointy
Copy !req
520. "and collect rubbish
at the same time.
Copy !req
521. "I think I will write a letter
to the mayor and suggest this.
Copy !req
522. "He will be very impressed.
Copy !req
523. "Ivy says
she doesn't need a cane
Copy !req
524. because she has
a good sense of smell."
Copy !req
525. "She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.
Copy !req
526. She says I smell like
licorice and old books."
Copy !req
527. "I think she smells like
cough medicine and urine.
Copy !req
528. "I have never told her this,
Copy !req
529. "as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.
Copy !req
530. "People often think
I am tactless and rude.
Copy !req
531. "I cannot understand how
being honest can be improper.
Copy !req
532. "Maybe this is why
I don't have any friends,
Copy !req
533. "of course, except for you.
Copy !req
534. A real friend has been one
of my three goals in life."
Copy !req
535. Oh!
Copy !req
536. "The other two
are to own every Noblet
Copy !req
537. "and a lifetime supply
of chocolate.
Copy !req
538. "Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals
Copy !req
539. "but not stupid ones
like mine.
Copy !req
540. "I have now run out of things
to tell you.
Copy !req
541. "Please write soon.
Copy !req
542. "Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
Copy !req
543. "P.S., do not worry
about not smiling.
Copy !req
544. "My mouth hardly ever smiles,
Copy !req
545. "but it does not mean
I am not smiling
Copy !req
546. "inside my brain.
Copy !req
547. "P.P.S., please find enclosed
Copy !req
548. "a Frisbee,
some chocolate Pop Rocks,
Copy !req
549. "which you should eat
with cola,
Copy !req
550. "and an illustration
of a turtle
Copy !req
551. "from one
of my National Geographies.
Copy !req
552. "P.P.P.S., did you know
that turtles
Copy !req
553. can breathe
through their anuses?"
Copy !req
554. "Dear Max,
Copy !req
555. "when I told Bernie Clifford
Copy !req
556. "I'll be in charge
of all the chocolate in heaven
Copy !req
557. and he wouldn't get any,
he cried."
Copy !req
558. "I also hided some dog's poo
in his bit of the sand pit.
Copy !req
559. "Your advice was great,
Copy !req
560. "and I have got a job
delivering pamphlets
Copy !req
561. "so I can save
to come and see you.
Copy !req
562. "I am sad to hear
you are fat.
Copy !req
563. "Mum says I am fat too,
Copy !req
564. "and I am growing up
to be a heffa,
Copy !req
565. "which I think
is a type of cow.
Copy !req
566. "Maybe you should
only eat things
Copy !req
567. "beginning with the letter
of each day.
Copy !req
568. "On Mondays,
you could only eat
Copy !req
569. milkshakes, marshmallows,
and mustard."
Copy !req
570. Ooh.
Copy !req
571. "For my birthday,
my mum baked a cake,
Copy !req
572. and Dad gave me a camera."
Copy !req
573. click!
Copy !req
574. "I hope you like
the photos I sent.
Copy !req
575. "The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.
Copy !req
576. "The next one is
of myself
Copy !req
577. "after I ate
the chocolate Pop Rocks
Copy !req
578. "with the cola
like you said.
Copy !req
579. "Next is Len.
Copy !req
580. "He's still trying hard
not to be afraid of outside
Copy !req
581. and conquer his homophobia."
Copy !req
582. Clang!
Copy !req
583. "The next one
is of Dad in his shed
Copy !req
584. and then one of the times..."
Copy !req
585. "I covered Mum
while she was asleep
Copy !req
586. "in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.
Copy !req
587. Next, when I got my Slinky
caught in my hair."
Copy !req
588. Hmm.
Copy !req
589. "Then one of the times Sonny
digged up his wife Cher.
Copy !req
590. "And finally,
a photo of my other neighbor,
Copy !req
591. "Damian Popodopolous.
Copy !req
592. "He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquid,
Copy !req
593. "and his skin is smooth
like the back of a spoon.
Copy !req
594. "Mum says he's a wog
and has a stutter
Copy !req
595. "and can't even say
his own surname.
Copy !req
596. "She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head
Copy !req
597. to get his words out."
Copy !req
598. Popodopolous.
Copy !req
599. "I wish he was my boyfriend,
Copy !req
600. "and we can be in love
and do sexing
Copy !req
601. "like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.
Copy !req
602. "She said
it's when two people go nuddy
Copy !req
603. "and rub on each other
to make babies.
Copy !req
604. "I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell
Copy !req
605. "and burn like toast,
Copy !req
606. "'cause babies really come
from beer glasses
Copy !req
607. "and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and proster-tubes.
Copy !req
608. "She said ladies
get knocked up
Copy !req
609. "and bake babies
in their stomachs for two years
Copy !req
610. "till they spurt
out their vag-eye-nas
Copy !req
611. "with blood
and tinned spaghetti.
Copy !req
612. "Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?
Copy !req
613. "Have you done sexing?
Copy !req
614. "Valen-time's Day is soon,
Copy !req
615. "and I want to give Damian
a present so he can love me.
Copy !req
616. Can you explain love
and how I can be lovered?"
Copy !req
617. Narrator Once again,
Mary's letter
Copy !req
618. had triggered
an anxiety attack.
Copy !req
619. Max knew nothing about love.
Copy !req
620. It was as-
it was as foreign to him
Copy !req
621. as scuba diving,
Copy !req
622. and he'd had
an appalling history
Copy !req
623. of getting it all wrong.
Copy !req
624. One Valentine's Day,
Copy !req
625. he'd given Zelda Glutnik
Copy !req
626. a gift he was sure
was appropriate.
Copy !req
627. The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bed
Copy !req
628. was his hot water bottle.
Copy !req
629. Romance and love
was a mysterious language
Copy !req
630. he'd given up on.
Copy !req
631. If only Mary had asked
how a toaster works
Copy !req
632. or asked for an explanation
of the chaos theory.
Copy !req
633. If only there was
a mathematical equation...
Copy !req
634. for love.
Copy !req
635. He kept eating and thinking.
Copy !req
636. But love was not like
Max's Rubik's Cube.
Copy !req
637. It could not be solved.
Copy !req
638. And no matter from what angle
he analyzed it,
Copy !req
639. the results were negative.
Copy !req
640. Beat it, creep!
Copy !req
641. He felt love
but couldn't articulate it.
Copy !req
642. Its logic was as foreign
to him as-
Copy !req
643. as a salad sandwich.
Copy !req
644. The stars made more sense.
Copy !req
645. Unit 12, have you responded
to the Hubert Street call?
Copy !req
646. The anxiety
and stress were too much.
Copy !req
647. The inscrutability of love
finally won,
Copy !req
648. and Max's brain gave in.
Copy !req
649. Ooh.
Copy !req
650. He was diagnosed
Copy !req
651. with severe depression
and obesity
Copy !req
652. and spent
the next eight months
Copy !req
653. institutionalized
and bedridden.
Copy !req
654. They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs
Copy !req
655. and performed the usual
therapeutic procedures.
Copy !req
656. Meanwhile,
Mary wondered and waited.
Copy !req
657. Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.
Copy !req
658. Maybe America
had run out of ink.
Copy !req
659. Maybe his pets
had eaten him.
Copy !req
660. Maybe it was her.
Copy !req
661. Was she too demanding,
too boring, too ugly?
Copy !req
662. Filled with anger, confusion,
and self-loathing,
Copy !req
663. Mary tried to erase the memory
of her friend forever.
Copy !req
664. Max had recovered,
and life was balanced,
Copy !req
665. safe, and symmetrical
once again.
Copy !req
666. smooch!
Copy !req
667. But Mary still lingered
in his mind.
Copy !req
668. Half of him wanted
to write to her immediately.
Copy !req
669. The other half
didn't want to end up
Copy !req
670. a mental patient again.
Copy !req
671. At least there was always
Mr. Ravioli to be friends with.
Copy !req
672. He was a much safer option.
Copy !req
673. He wondered what Mary
was doing right now.
Copy !req
674. But she was far from content
Copy !req
675. and struggled on by herself,
Copy !req
676. saving her money
for a rainy day.
Copy !req
677. L'?
Copy !req
678. Life went on as usual for Max,
Copy !req
679. and even though he opted
for order and stability,
Copy !req
680. misfortune was never far away.
Copy !req
681. Crash!
Copy !req
682. Luckily, his manslaughter
charges were dismissed
Copy !req
683. because he was labeled
mentally deficient
Copy !req
684. and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...
Copy !req
685. Oop!
Copy !req
686. Narrator.
Unlike most people.
Copy !req
687. From then on,
Max cooled himself differently,
Copy !req
688. and things went back to normal
until after his 48th birthday,
Copy !req
689. when his numbers
finally came up.
Copy !req
690. Welcome
to the New York Lottery,
Copy !req
691. and these are
tonight's winning numbers.
Copy !req
692. 3,
Copy !req
693. 5,
Copy !req
694. 6,
Copy !req
695. 9,
Copy !req
696. 11,
Copy !req
697. and 12.
Copy !req
698. L'?
Copy !req
699. Max was sensible
with his sudden wealth
Copy !req
700. and had bought
a lifetime supply of chocolate
Copy !req
701. and the complete
Noblet collection.
Copy !req
702. Two of his life goals
had come true,
Copy !req
703. but he still had
a lot of money
Copy !req
704. so decided to give it
to Ivy...
Copy !req
705. " Oh!
Copy !req
706. Narrator". Who was also
very sensible...
Copy !req
707. Crash!
Copy !req
708. Until her own numbers came up.
Copy !req
709. L'?
Copy !req
710. Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,
Copy !req
711. whose owner relocated
her kind donation
Copy !req
712. to his bank account,
Copy !req
713. his wife's new breasts,
a Ferrari,
Copy !req
714. and enough fuel
to get to Mexico.
Copy !req
715. Despite achieving
all his life's goals,
Copy !req
716. Max still felt incomplete.
Copy !req
717. Mr. Ravioli
Copy !req
718. just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore
Copy !req
719. and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.
Copy !req
720. Mary had given Max a taste
of real friendship,
Copy !req
721. and there was just
no comparison.
Copy !req
722. She missed him too
but no longer saved to see him.
Copy !req
723. She now saved
for a different reason.
Copy !req
724. One day, Mr. Ravioli got up,
left, and never came back.
Copy !req
725. Max sought
Dr. Hazelhof's advice.
Copy !req
726. He told Max
that true friendship
Copy !req
727. is seen through the heart,
not through the eyes,
Copy !req
728. and that it was time
he wrote to Mary
Copy !req
729. to reveal his true self,
Copy !req
730. warts and all.
Copy !req
731. Max understood.
Copy !req
732. "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Copy !req
733. "there is something
I have to tell you
Copy !req
734. "which will explain why
I have not written.
Copy !req
735. "Each time I received
one of your letters,
Copy !req
736. "I had a severe anxiety attack.
Copy !req
737. "This is because recently,
Copy !req
738. "while I was
in a mental institution,
Copy !req
739. "they diagnosed
that I have a new thing
Copy !req
740. "called Asperger's syndrome,
Copy !req
741. "which is a neurobiological,
Copy !req
742. "pervasive,
developmental disability.
Copy !req
743. "I prefer 'Aspie' for short.
Copy !req
744. "I will now list
some of the traits of an Aspie.
Copy !req
745. "Number one:
Copy !req
746. "I find the world
very confusing and chaotic
Copy !req
747. "because my mind
is very literal and logical.
Copy !req
748. "I have trouble
understanding
Copy !req
749. "the expressions
on people's faces.
Copy !req
750. "When I was younger,
Copy !req
751. I made a book to help me
when I was confused."
Copy !req
752. Smack!
Copy !req
753. "I still have trouble
with some people.
Copy !req
754. "Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles
Copy !req
755. "and because her eyebrows
weren't real.
Copy !req
756. I have bad handwriting,
am hypersensitive..."
Copy !req
757. Ahh!
Copy !req
758. "Clumsy,
Copy !req
759. "and can get
very concerned.
Copy !req
760. "Four
I like solving problems.
Copy !req
761. Ivy said
this is a good thing."
Copy !req
762. "And finally, number five:
Copy !req
763. "I have trouble expressing
my emotions.
Copy !req
764. "Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective,
Copy !req
765. "but one day, there will be
a cure for my disability.
Copy !req
766. "I do not like it
when he says this.
Copy !req
767. "I do not feel disabled,
defective,
Copy !req
768. "or a need to be cured.
Copy !req
769. "I like being an Aspie.
Copy !req
770. "It would be like trying
to change the color of my eyes.
Copy !req
771. "There is one thing I wish
I could change, however.
Copy !req
772. I wish I could cry properly."
Copy !req
773. "I squeeze and squeeze,
but nothing comes out.
Copy !req
774. "I cry when I cut onions,
but this does not count.
Copy !req
775. "Anyway, do you like
the word 'kumquat'?
Copy !req
776. "It is a type of fruit.
Copy !req
777. "Do you have
a favorite-sounding word?
Copy !req
778. "My top five are:
Copy !req
779. "ointment, bumblebee,
Copy !req
780. "Vladivostock, banana,
and testicle.
Copy !req
781. "I have also invented
some new words:
Copy !req
782. "confuzzled, which is being
Copy !req
783. "confused and puzzled
at the same time;
Copy !req
784. "snirt, which is a cross
between snow and dirt,
Copy !req
785. "and smushables...
Copy !req
786. "Which are squashed groceries
Copy !req
787. "you find at the bottom
of the bag.
Copy !req
788. "I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people
Copy !req
789. "asking them
to include my words
Copy !req
790. "but have not heard back.
Copy !req
791. "It is now time
for me to go
Copy !req
792. "to my Overeaters Anonymous
meeting.
Copy !req
793. "There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth
Copy !req
794. "who confuzzles me.
Copy !req
795. Smooch!
Copy !req
796. "She kisses me
without my permission,
Copy !req
797. "so tonight I have decided
to rub onions
Copy !req
798. "under my armpits
to repel her.
Copy !req
799. Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz."
Copy !req
800. Hmm.
Copy !req
801. "P.S., please find enclosed
Copy !req
802. "some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.
Copy !req
803. "P.P.S., not much has happened
since I last wrote,
Copy !req
804. "except for
my manslaughter charges,
Copy !req
805. lotto win,
and lvy's death."
Copy !req
806. Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written
Copy !req
807. and suddenly had
a fabulous idea.
Copy !req
808. ' Aha!
Copy !req
809. Ding!
Copy !req
810. L'?
Copy !req
811. Mary and Max's
friendship was resuscitated,
Copy !req
812. and her tears
were the best gift
Copy !req
813. he'd ever received.
Copy !req
814. Inside Max's head,
his brain was smiling.
Copy !req
815. Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,
Copy !req
816. their letters flew
thick and fast
Copy !req
817. between the continents.
Copy !req
818. Max learned to read
Mary's letters with caution,
Copy !req
819. and at the slightest tingle
of tension,
Copy !req
820. he would stop,
take his medication,
Copy !req
821. and soothe his nerves.
Copy !req
822. Each letter he would iron,
laminate,
Copy !req
823. and file in a special place,
Copy !req
824. which also soothed his nerves.
Copy !req
825. He enjoyed answering
her questions
Copy !req
826. and solving her puzzles like,
Copy !req
827. "Do sheep shrink
when it rains?"
Copy !req
828. "Why do old men
wear their pants so high?"
Copy !req
829. "Do gooses get goose bumps?"
Copy !req
830. 'And why is
belly button lint blue?"
Copy !req
831. "Are there Noblets in heaven?"
Copy !req
832. "And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?"
Copy !req
833. In turn,
Mary simply enjoyed hearing
Copy !req
834. about Max's fascinating life:
Copy !req
835. how many people
he'd counted littering...
Copy !req
836. Crash!
Copy !req
837. How the latest Henry
had died...
Copy !req
838. And new recipes
he'd invented for chicken.
Copy !req
839. Each nourished the other,
Copy !req
840. and as Mary grew taller,
Copy !req
841. Max grew wider,
Copy !req
842. their friendship becoming
stronger than the glue
Copy !req
843. on Mary's Noblets.
Copy !req
844. Although Max found solace
in Mary,
Copy !req
845. he still found the rest
of the world bewildering,
Copy !req
846. and he couldn't understand
Copy !req
847. why he was seen
as the odd one
Copy !req
848. while everyone else
was considered normal.
Copy !req
849. Humans
were endlessly illogical.
Copy !req
850. Why did they throw out food
Copy !req
851. when there were children
starving in India?
Copy !req
852. Why did they clear
the rain forests
Copy !req
853. when they needed the oxygen?
Copy !req
854. And why did they create
bus timetables
Copy !req
855. when they never ran on time?
Copy !req
856. He agreed with
his favorite physicist
Copy !req
857. that there are only
two things infinite:
Copy !req
858. the universe
and man's stupidity.
Copy !req
859. And for Mary, even though Max
filled her with confidence...
Copy !req
860. Bull's-eye!
Copy !req
861. Her world
was far from perfect.
Copy !req
862. Opal
Copy !req
863. The grip of love
had her by the throat.
Copy !req
864. L'?
Copy !req
865. At 4:59 p.m.
Copy !req
866. on the 8th
of the 8th, 1988...
Copy !req
867. Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string,
Copy !req
868. and after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags,
Copy !req
869. he retired.
Copy !req
870. To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy
Copy !req
871. and taking up
metal detecting instead.
Copy !req
872. But sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.
Copy !req
873. L'?
Copy !req
874. L'?
Copy !req
875. narrator. In his will,
Noel had left Mary some money,
Copy !req
876. so she decided
to go to university
Copy !req
877. and study disorders
of the mind,
Copy !req
878. yearning to learn more
about her friend.
Copy !req
879. Mary was as popular
at university
Copy !req
880. as she was at school.
Copy !req
881. Damian went there too,
aching to be a thespian.
Copy !req
882. Hi, there, M-M-Mary.
Copy !req
883. Hi.
Copy !req
884. Hello.
Copy !req
885. Splat!
Copy !req
886. L'?
Copy !req
887. Hey, Damian,
Copy !req
888. your mum's roses look fab!
Copy !req
889. Ah, th-thanks, Mary.
Copy !req
890. Um, Mary, can I tell you
something?
Copy !req
891. Sure, babe!
Copy !req
892. Um-um-
Copy !req
893. you've got d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.
Copy !req
894. "Dear Max, I have been
such an idiot.
Copy !req
895. "I've wasted all my money
on something pointless
Copy !req
896. "when I should have been
saving to see you.
Copy !req
897. "I know love upsets you,
Copy !req
898. "so I won't go on about it.
Copy !req
899. "All I want to say is that
love is obviously not for me.
Copy !req
900. "I hope you are well
Copy !req
901. "and enjoy the chocolate
cigarettes I've enclosed.
Copy !req
902. Love, Mary."
Copy !req
903. Quip!
Copy !req
904. Hmm.
Copy !req
905. Mm.
Copy !req
906. Oh, you should be ashamed!
Copy !req
907. Come on, Bethany, let's go.
Copy !req
908. Oh, Mom!
Copy !req
909. I told you
never to talk to strangers,
Copy !req
910. You naughty girl.
Copy !req
911. Ding!
Copy !req
912. Noel's sudden death
Copy !req
913. had filled Vera
with remorse and guilt,
Copy !req
914. and she coped
in the only way she knew.
Copy !req
915. L'?
Copy !req
916. I'?
Copy !req
917. "Heme from Zorba the Greek]
Copy !req
918. I'?
Copy !req
919. "Dear Max,
Copy !req
920. "our wedding day was everything
that I've ever dreamt,
Copy !req
921. "making up
for the terrible year I've had.
Copy !req
922. "Although all the guests were
Damian's family and friends,
Copy !req
923. "I felt very welcome.
Copy !req
924. Crash!
Copy !req
925. "Damian is so perfect.
Copy !req
926. "He even made my wedding dress.
Copy !req
927. "And for our honeymoon,
Copy !req
928. "he took me to Mykonos,
his favorite island in Greece.
Copy !req
929. "I got to ride a donkey
Copy !req
930. "and found the perfect gift
for Len.
Copy !req
931. "Poor Len.
Copy !req
932. He's still struggling
with his agoraphobia."
Copy !req
933. Crash!
Copy !req
934. "Damian and I are so similar.
Copy !req
935. "He even has
his own pen-friend
Copy !req
936. who lives on a sheep farm
in New Zealand."
Copy !req
937. Mary?
Copy !req
938. M-M-M-Mary?
Copy !req
939. Mary?
Copy !req
940. Narrator". Mary was bursting
with self-esteem,
Copy !req
941. and her confidence
was almost unbearable.
Copy !req
942. At university, she shone
Copy !req
943. and took it upon herself
Copy !req
944. to cure the world
of mental illness.
Copy !req
945. She did her thesis
on Aspergefs syndrome
Copy !req
946. and used Max
as her case study.
Copy !req
947. Her professors
were thoroughly impressed
Copy !req
948. and her writing
praised far and wide.
Copy !req
949. Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight,
Copy !req
950. and by her 25th birthday,
Copy !req
951. thousands of copies
were ready to be shipped.
Copy !req
952. "Dear Max,
Copy !req
953. "I am very proud to give you
the very first copy of my book
Copy !req
954. "about your disability
Copy !req
955. and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it."
Copy !req
956. "Even more exciting is that
I'm finally coming
Copy !req
957. "to meet and celebrate with you
in one week's time.
Copy !req
958. "I'm also gonna give you
half the royalties.
Copy !req
959. "Your loving friend, Mary.
Copy !req
960. P.S., please find enclosed some
chocolate-coated Swiss almonds."
Copy !req
961. Narrator". Max didn't take
the news very well...
Copy !req
962. Not very well at all.
Copy !req
963. "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Copy !req
964. "I cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment,
Copy !req
965. "and so I will list
my emotions
Copy !req
966. "in the order they feel
most intense:
Copy !req
967. "hurt, confuzzledness,
betrayal,
Copy !req
968. "discomfort, distress,
and wheeziness.
Copy !req
969. "This last one
is not really an emotion,
Copy !req
970. but I thought you
should know about it anyway."
Copy !req
971. With her suitcase
packed for New York,
Copy !req
972. Mary said good-bye to Damian.
Copy !req
973. She hadn't been this excited
Copy !req
974. since she'd found a Noblet
in the gutter.
Copy !req
975. But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away
Copy !req
976. like a chocolate in the sun.
Copy !req
977. L'?
Copy !req
978. L'?
Copy !req
979. Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression,
Copy !req
980. self-loathing,
and cooking sherry.
Copy !req
981. The only color left in her life
was her beloved Damian,
Copy !req
982. only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.
Copy !req
983. She lost interest in the world,
and it lost interest in her
Copy !req
984. as a horrible apparition
began to haunt.
Copy !req
985. She started to spend her nights
making pompoms
Copy !req
986. and eating two-minute noodles.
Copy !req
987. L'?
Copy !req
988. Hmm.
Copy !req
989. Each day,
with strength and shame,
Copy !req
990. Mary trudged
to the letterbox in hope,
Copy !req
991. only to swivel, shrivel,
Copy !req
992. and slink back inside.
Copy !req
993. I'?
Copy !req
994. Thud!
Copy !req
995. "My dearest Mary,
Copy !req
996. "by the time you read this,
Copy !req
997. "I will be on a plane
to New Zealand
Copy !req
998. "to begin a new life.
Copy !req
999. "You probably haven't even
noticed I'd packed my bags.
Copy !req
1000. "I have fallen in love with-
with my pen-friend, Desmond.
Copy !req
1001. "And I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.
Copy !req
1002. "It's been hard to watch you
Copy !req
1003. "become a remnant of the person
I once loved.
Copy !req
1004. "Your research
into m-m-mental illness
Copy !req
1005. "has been admirable,
Copy !req
1006. "but your I-I-idealistic pursuit
to remedy it has been misguided.
Copy !req
1007. "Mary, you have to realize,
Copy !req
1008. "you are not some sort
of magic beauty cream
Copy !req
1009. "you can smooth on the world
to rid of its wrinkles.
Copy !req
1010. "I love you, Mary,
Copy !req
1011. "but I love Desmond more.
Copy !req
1012. "I hope one day
your heart will heal,
Copy !req
1013. "and we can be friends.
Copy !req
1014. Yours compassionately,
Damian."
Copy !req
1015. thud!
Copy !req
1016. Aargh!
Copy !req
1017. "Dear Mayor Ridiculani,
Copy !req
1018. "on Monday,
I counted 27 people
Copy !req
1019. "illegally dropping
cigarette butts.
Copy !req
1020. "I would like to recommend
Copy !req
1021. "the fine be increased
to a minimum of $1 million
Copy !req
1022. "as a stronger deterrent,
Copy !req
1023. and would be happy..."
Copy !req
1024. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1025. Sorry.
Copy !req
1026. L'?
Copy !req
1027. "Dear Mary,
Copy !req
1028. "please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection
Copy !req
1029. "as a sign that I forgive you.
Copy !req
1030. When I received your book..."
Copy !req
1031. What?
Copy !req
1032. On the way home,
Copy !req
1033. Max sat to count the stars.
Copy !req
1034. He felt complete.
Copy !req
1035. The world was back in balance.
Copy !req
1036. L'?
Copy !req
1037. L'?
Copy !req
1038. Ah!
Copy !req
1039. Narrator.
Len had saved the day.
Copy !req
1040. And after 45 years,
Copy !req
1041. he finally conquered
his agoraphobia.
Copy !req
1042. Moron!
Copy !req
1043. "Dear Mary,
Copy !req
1044. "please find enclosed
Copy !req
1045. "my entire Noblet collection
Copy !req
1046. "as a sign
that I forgive you.
Copy !req
1047. "When I received your book,
Copy !req
1048. "the emotions inside my brain
Copy !req
1049. "felt like they were
in a tumble dryer,
Copy !req
1050. "smashing into each other.
Copy !req
1051. "The hurt felt like
when I accidentally
Copy !req
1052. "stapled my lips together.
Copy !req
1053. "The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.
Copy !req
1054. "You are imperfect,
and so am I.
Copy !req
1055. "All humans are imperfect,
Copy !req
1056. "even the man outside
my apartment who litters.
Copy !req
1057. "When I was young,
Copy !req
1058. "I wanted to be anybody
but myself.
Copy !req
1059. "Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert island,
Copy !req
1060. "then I would have to
get used to my own company,
Copy !req
1061. "just me and the coconuts.
Copy !req
1062. "He said I would
have to accept myself,
Copy !req
1063. "my warts and all,
Copy !req
1064. "and that we don't get
to choose our warts.
Copy !req
1065. "They are a part of us,
and we have to live with them.
Copy !req
1066. "We can, however,
choose our friends,
Copy !req
1067. "and I am glad
I have chosen you.
Copy !req
1068. "Dr. Bernard Hazelhof
also said that everyone's lives
Copy !req
1069. "are like a very long sidewalk.
Copy !req
1070. "Some are well-paved.
Copy !req
1071. "Others, like mine,
have cracks,
Copy !req
1072. "banana skins,
and cigarette butts.
Copy !req
1073. "Your sidewalk is like mine,
Copy !req
1074. "but probably not
as many cracks.
Copy !req
1075. "Hopefully one day
our sidewalks will meet,
Copy !req
1076. "and we can share
a can of condensed milk.
Copy !req
1077. "You are my best friend.
Copy !req
1078. "You are my only friend.
Copy !req
1079. "Your American pen pal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
Copy !req
1080. "P.S., I have recently found
the perfect job
Copy !req
1081. "with a survey company.
Copy !req
1082. "All I have to do
is eat things
Copy !req
1083. and tick boxes."
Copy !req
1084. L'?
Copy !req
1085. I'?
Copy !req
1086. Max?
Copy !req
1087. Max?
Copy !req
1088. Max?
Copy !req
1089. Hello?
Copy !req
1090. Max, it's us.
Copy !req
1091. We're here.
Copy !req
1092. Max?
Copy !req
1093. L'?
Copy !req
1094. Max had died
peacefully that morning,
Copy !req
1095. after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.
Copy !req
1096. L'?
Copy !req
1097. L'?
Copy !req
1098. You are my best friend.
Copy !req
1099. You are my only friend.
Copy !req
1100. He smelled like
licorice and old books,
Copy !req
1101. she thought to herself,
Copy !req
1102. as tears rolled
from her eyes,
Copy !req
1103. the color of muddy puddles.
Copy !req
1104. I'?
Copy !req
1105. L'?
Copy !req
1106. I'?
Copy !req
1107. I'?
Copy !req