1. Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.Copy !req
2. Her birthmark, the colour of poo.Copy !req
3. It was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.Copy !req
4. Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.Copy !req
5. Mary's mood ring, which she'd
found in a cereal box, was greyCopy !req
6. which, according to the chart,Copy !req
7. meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.Copy !req
8. Her only friends were 'The Noblets'
from her favourite cartoon.Copy !req
9. They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shopsCopy !req
10. but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompomsCopy !req
11. and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.Copy !req
12. She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies...Copy !req
13. potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.Copy !req
14. Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,Copy !req
15. worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.Copy !req
16. At show and tell, she told the classCopy !req
17. he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.Copy !req
18. Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.Copy !req
19. She loved saying 'Earl Grey'Copy !req
20. and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.Copy !req
21. They would live
in a castle in Scotland,Copy !req
22. have 9 babies, 2 ducks...Copy !req
23. and a dog called Kevin.Copy !req
24. Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys Irish CreamCopy !req
25. and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.Copy !req
26. Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.Copy !req
27. She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.Copy !req
28. Her mother had told her
she was 'an accident'.Copy !req
29. How could someone be an accident?Copy !req
30. Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberateCopy !req
31. and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.Copy !req
32. Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onionsCopy !req
33. and had been a member
of the Frankston Ice Breakers for 51 years.Copy !req
34. They swam in winter to feel alive.Copy !req
35. Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.Copy !req
36. He had died the year before, aged 74,Copy !req
37. and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.Copy !req
38. Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia,Copy !req
39. Ralph lived a long life,Copy !req
40. then died of pneumonia.Copy !req
41. Mary missed himCopy !req
42. and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.Copy !req
43. A lot of things puzzled MaryCopy !req
44. especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.Copy !req
45. To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.Copy !req
46. A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!Copy !req
47. Vera liked listening to the cricket
while bakingCopy !req
48. and her main ingredient
was always sherry.Copy !req
49. 3/44. And Thompson 2/15...Copy !req
50. She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-upsCopy !req
51. that needed constant testing.Copy !req
52. Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.Copy !req
53. Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry... way too much.Copy !req
54. Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always 'borrowing'.Copy !req
55. Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.Copy !req
56. She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.Copy !req
57. Vera was indeed a complicated soul.Copy !req
58. Mary stopped daydreamingCopy !req
59. and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.Copy !req
60. Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freewayCopy !req
61. after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.Copy !req
62. She named him Ethel.Copy !req
63. It was time to watch 'The Noblets'.
She adored 'The Noblets'Copy !req
64. because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapotCopy !req
65. and had oodles of friends.Copy !req
66. There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,Copy !req
67. than the smell of a wet rooster...Copy !req
68. the sound of rain on the roofCopy !req
69. and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the canCopy !req
70. while watching your favourite cartoon.Copy !req
71. Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched 'The Noblets'.Copy !req
72. Max's small television
had picture but no sound.Copy !req
73. His big television, sound but no picture.Copy !req
74. He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets'Copy !req
75. as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structureCopy !req
76. with constant adherent conformityCopy !req
77. and also because they
had oodles of friends.Copy !req
78. Max had trouble sleepingCopy !req
79. and had spent the night watching
television and catching fish food.Copy !req
80. He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.Copy !req
81. He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheepCopy !req
82. or have one more chocolate hotdog.Copy !req
83. He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.Copy !req
84. It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes
since Henry VIII had passed away.Copy !req
85. And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.Copy !req
86. It had become asymmetricalCopy !req
87. and the sooner he got
a new fish, the better.Copy !req
88. Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry...Copy !req
89. Henry IX.Copy !req
90. Next.Copy !req
91. It was shopping dayCopy !req
92. and Mary sat patiently while her mother
'borrowed' some envelopes.Copy !req
93. To fill in time, she scanned the roomCopy !req
94. and counted how many things were brown.Copy !req
95. There was sticky tape, rubber bandsCopy !req
96. and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lakeCopy !req
97. with her hand on fire.Copy !req
98. People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.Copy !req
99. Funny-sounding people
called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.Copy !req
100. She wondered what they
looked like, how old they wereCopy !req
101. and if they were married, wore glasses
or had found babies in their beer.Copy !req
102. Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.Copy !req
103. They drank a lot of cola.Copy !req
104. Maybe they found them in cans.Copy !req
105. But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.Copy !req
106. Mary had an idea.Copy !req
107. She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.Copy !req
108. She chose a Mr M Horowitz.Copy !req
109. Mrs Dinkle!Copy !req
110. Come back here, Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!Copy !req
111. Dear Mr M Horowitz,Copy !req
112. my name is Mary Daisy DinkleCopy !req
113. and I am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.Copy !req
114. My favourite colour is brownCopy !req
115. and my favourite food is
sweetened condensed milkCopy !req
116. followed closely by chocolate.Copy !req
117. I have a rooster called Ethel,
that looks like this.Copy !req
118. He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.Copy !req
119. My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherryCopy !req
120. and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.Copy !req
121. Where do babies come from in America?Copy !req
122. Do they come from cola cans?Copy !req
123. In Australia
they are found in beer glasses.Copy !req
124. Here is a drawing of me.Copy !req
125. I can't draw ears proper
but I'm good at teeth.Copy !req
126. It would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.Copy !req
127. Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle.Copy !req
128. PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.Copy !req
129. It's called a Cherry Ripe.Copy !req
130. Goodbye, letter.
Don't forget to write.Copy !req
131. Max hated Thursdays...Copy !req
132. the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.Copy !req
133. And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettledCopy !req
134. because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.Copy !req
135. OK, class...Copy !req
136. Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.Copy !req
137. He'd found the night
even more unbearableCopy !req
138. because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.Copy !req
139. Class dismissed.Copy !req
140. Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.Copy !req
141. Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.Copy !req
142. Max found most people very confusing.Copy !req
143. But little did Max realiseCopy !req
144. his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.Copy !req
145. He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally didCopy !req
146. whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.Copy !req
147. Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.Copy !req
148. And after staring out of the window
for 18 hoursCopy !req
149. he finally made a decision.Copy !req
150. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
151. thank you for the letter,
which I opened and read at 9.17pmCopy !req
152. after my Overeaters Anonymous class.Copy !req
153. I am trying to lose weightCopy !req
154. because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,Copy !req
155. says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.Copy !req
156. He says my mind is not that healthy.Copy !req
157. Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.Copy !req
158. I have never met anyone from Australia.Copy !req
159. Firstly, I will answer your question.Copy !req
160. Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.Copy !req
161. I asked my mother when I was fourCopy !req
162. and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.Copy !req
163. If you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.Copy !req
164. If you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.Copy !req
165. So this is where babies come from
in America.Copy !req
166. I share my home with a fish,Copy !req
167. some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...Copy !req
168. a parakeet called Mr BiscuitCopy !req
169. and, finally, a cat called Hal.Copy !req
170. 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.Copy !req
171. He followed me home
after a gang of childrenCopy !req
172. shot his eye out with a beebee gun.Copy !req
173. Do you have a pet kangaroo?Copy !req
174. When I was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.Copy !req
175. She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when I was six.Copy !req
176. Do you like chocolate hotdogs?Copy !req
177. I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.Copy !req
178. When I was young, I invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.Copy !req
179. My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymoreCopy !req
180. so he just sits in the corner and reads.Copy !req
181. Last week I picked up
128 cigarette butts.Copy !req
182. People are always littering in New York.Copy !req
183. I do not understand
why people break laws.Copy !req
184. Butts are bad
because they wash out to seaCopy !req
185. and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.Copy !req
186. I am just joking because, of course,Copy !req
187. it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.Copy !req
188. Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.Copy !req
189. I am 44 years oldCopy !req
190. and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.Copy !req
191. I weigh 352 lb...Copy !req
192. and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.Copy !req
193. Welcome to the New York Lottery!Copy !req
194. I enjoy entering the lotteryCopy !req
195. and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.Copy !req
196. - Those numbers are 3...
- 1.Copy !req
197. - 5...
- 4.Copy !req
198. - 6...
- 25.Copy !req
199. - 9...
- 2.Copy !req
200. - 11...
- 7.Copy !req
201. - And 12.
- 8.Copy !req
202. Are you a winner?Copy !req
203. Or a loser?Copy !req
204. I have had many different jobs
during my life.Copy !req
205. My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.Copy !req
206. My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher SuppliesCopy !req
207. where I worked at the machine
that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.Copy !req
208. I was born Jewish
and used to believe in GodCopy !req
209. but I've since read many booksCopy !req
210. that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.Copy !req
211. People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questionsCopy !req
212. like where did the universe come from,Copy !req
213. do worms go to heaven...Copy !req
214. do worms go to heaven...Copy !req
215. and why do old ladies have blue hair?Copy !req
216. Even though I'm an atheist,Copy !req
217. I still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.Copy !req
218. My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.Copy !req
219. I worked at the frisbee printing machine.Copy !req
220. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.Copy !req
221. It is like a boomerangCopy !req
222. but it does not come back.Copy !req
223. My fourth job was when
I was called up for jury duty.Copy !req
224. I didn't get paid much but
got free cookies and coffee.Copy !req
225. Jurors are outstanding members
of the communityCopy !req
226. who haven't murdered anybody.Copy !req
227. I made it to the short listCopy !req
228. for a trial where a man
killed all his friendsCopy !req
229. at his own surprise birthday party.Copy !req
230. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
because they found outCopy !req
231. I'd been a mental patient at one point.Copy !req
232. Have you ever been hang gliding?Copy !req
233. My fifth job was as a garbage collector.Copy !req
234. I got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.Copy !req
235. Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot.Copy !req
236. This is 911.
Your call has been placed in a queue.Copy !req
237. One time the police took
me in for questioningCopy !req
238. but let me go when they decided
I wasn't a threat to anybodyCopy !req
239. except myself.Copy !req
240. The sixth job I had
was for the United States ArmyCopy !req
241. in the stationery supply department.Copy !req
242. Because I am good with numbersCopy !req
243. I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.Copy !req
244. One day they did a security checkCopy !req
245. and asked whether I was a member
of any radical groups.Copy !req
246. I told them I was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.Copy !req
247. They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.Copy !req
248. Fortunately, I did not remember
to tell them I was once a communist.Copy !req
249. Have you ever been a communist?Copy !req
250. Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?Copy !req
251. When I was 9, a crow attacked
me on my way to school.Copy !req
252. I had to have three stitchesCopy !req
253. and in spring I now wear a helmet
with eyes I have painted on.Copy !req
254. People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet.Copy !req
255. I'm not sure why.Copy !req
256. People often confuse me
but I try not to let them worry me.Copy !req
257. New York is a very busy
and noisy place.Copy !req
258. I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieterCopy !req
259. like the moon.Copy !req
260. I don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.Copy !req
261. New York has all theseCopy !req
262. especially the smells.Copy !req
263. I often wear nose and ear plugs
when I go outside.Copy !req
264. It helps keep me calm.Copy !req
265. I find humans interesting
but I have trouble understanding them.Copy !req
266. I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.Copy !req
267. You appear very happy and I think
you would smell like a shrimpCopy !req
268. as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.Copy !req
269. Can you speed-read?Copy !req
270. I have taught myself to read
two pages at once...Copy !req
271. one eyeball per page.Copy !req
272. I have to go nowCopy !req
273. even though I have not told you
about my 7th job,Copy !req
274. in a condom factory.Copy !req
275. Write back soon.Copy !req
276. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
277. PS. Please find enclosed a
photo from one of those booths.Copy !req
278. PPS. Thank you for the Cherry RipeCopy !req
279. and I am glad you like chocolate
as much as I do.Copy !req
280. I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milkCopy !req
281. but I will try some this week.Copy !req
282. I have never used a condom.Copy !req
283. Gey gezunterheyt.Copy !req
284. Max hoped Mary would write again.Copy !req
285. He'd always wanted a friend.Copy !req
286. A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.Copy !req
287. He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutesCopy !req
288. it would take his letter
to reach Australia.Copy !req
289. Vera was not impressed...Copy !req
290. not impressed at all.Copy !req
291. This nutcase would not be
her daughter's penfriend, she thought.Copy !req
292. There was enough ugliness in the world.Copy !req
293. Mary would be home
from school in an hour...Copy !req
294. enough time for another cup of tea and
a bit of cricket to soothe the nervesCopy !req
295. and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.Copy !req
296. Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150.Copy !req
297. Stop! Wait!Copy !req
298. Hey, fellas, you got
room for one more bag?Copy !req
299. Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in!Copy !req
300. Good one.
Kevin!Copy !req
301. Come on, Vera.
We've got some other bags to pick up!Copy !req
302. Mary, is that all the rubbish?Copy !req
303. Yep!Copy !req
304. See ya, Toots!Copy !req
305. Sweet baby Jesus.Copy !req
306. Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,Copy !req
307. Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soupCopy !req
308. and hadn't been this excitedCopy !req
309. since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.Copy !req
310. She wrote back immediatelyCopy !req
311. on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.Copy !req
312. Dear Max,
I'm so excited you've wroted back.Copy !req
313. I don't think my parents like you
so from now onCopy !req
314. send stuff to my neighbour Len HislopCopy !req
315. at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley.Copy !req
316. He's old with no legs.Copy !req
317. They got chew'd'ed off in World War llCopy !req
318. when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.Copy !req
319. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.Copy !req
320. He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.Copy !req
321. He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.Copy !req
322. I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.Copy !req
323. Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?Copy !req
324. Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.Copy !req
325. He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!Copy !req
326. In your letter, you said
you had no friends.Copy !req
327. Well, neither do I.Copy !req
328. Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford
weed on my spam sandwichCopy !req
329. and called me 'poo face'
'cos of my birthmark.Copy !req
330. I wish I could peel it off like a band-aid.Copy !req
331. He also laughed 'cos I had no buttons.Copy !req
332. Ethel pecked them offCopy !req
333. and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherryCopy !req
334. so she used pegs instead.Copy !req
335. When I got home, I climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.Copy !req
336. The other kids also laugh at my haircut.Copy !req
337. Dad has to cut my hair because mum saysCopy !req
338. real hairdressers
sell your hair to ChinamenCopy !req
339. who stuff mattresses.Copy !req
340. My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says I should smile more.Copy !req
341. I told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.Copy !req
342. I don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.Copy !req
343. I better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.Copy !req
344. Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.Copy !req
345. PS. Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?Copy !req
346. PSS. I've never been hang gliding
before or been a 'commune-ist'Copy !req
347. but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.Copy !req
348. I'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom I madeCopy !req
349. and a cake called a lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch.Copy !req
350. Have you ever been teased?Copy !req
351. Mary's letter triggered memoriesCopy !req
352. Max had buried deep down in his shoes.Copy !req
353. We've got him cornered now.
Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay...Copy !req
354. Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.Copy !req
355. And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.Copy !req
356. And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...Copy !req
357. and after only two hours sleep,Copy !req
358. Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.Copy !req
359. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
360. thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.Copy !req
361. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended
the bits with milk and ice creamCopy !req
362. and now I am drinking it right now.Copy !req
363. After much thought, I think
I have a solution to your teasing.Copy !req
364. Tell Bernie Clifford your
birthmark is made of chocolate,Copy !req
365. which means when you get to heavenCopy !req
366. you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.Copy !req
367. This of course is a lie -
I do not like lies...Copy !req
368. but in this case
I think it will be of benefit.Copy !req
369. I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolateCopy !req
370. but, of course, I cannot
because of my atheism.Copy !req
371. My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist.Copy !req
372. She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.Copy !req
373. She is partly blindCopy !req
374. and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!Copy !req
375. I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be impolite.Copy !req
376. Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights.Copy !req
377. Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,Copy !req
378. Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,Copy !req
379. Wednesdays -
Captain Salty's Fishstix,Copy !req
380. Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy BlintzCopy !req
381. and Fridays - chicken nuggets.Copy !req
382. On Saturday nights
I create my own recipes.Copy !req
383. Last week I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.Copy !req
384. Recipes are like
mathematical equations.Copy !req
385. Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigeratorCopy !req
386. and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.Copy !req
387. I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my headCopy !req
388. but not all at once.Copy !req
389. Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?Copy !req
390. My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be workingCopy !req
391. and just make me tense.Copy !req
392. It would be good if
there was a 'Fat Fairy'.Copy !req
393. She would be a bit like the Tooth
Fairy but would suck out your fat.Copy !req
394. Ivy says she is only a 'little bit' blind
but I think she is very blind.Copy !req
395. She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.Copy !req
396. She could make the end pointyCopy !req
397. and collect rubbish at the same time.Copy !req
398. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.Copy !req
399. He will be very impressed.Copy !req
400. Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.Copy !req
401. She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.Copy !req
402. She says I smell like
liquorice and old books.Copy !req
403. I think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.Copy !req
404. I have never told her thisCopy !req
405. as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.Copy !req
406. People often think
I am tactless and rude.Copy !req
407. I cannot understand
how being honest can be... improper.Copy !req
408. Maybe this is why
I don't have any friendsCopy !req
409. of course except for you.Copy !req
410. A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.Copy !req
411. The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.Copy !req
412. Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goalsCopy !req
413. but not stupid ones like mine.Copy !req
414. I have now run out of things to tell you.Copy !req
415. Please, write soon.Copy !req
416. Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
417. PS. Do not worry about not smiling.Copy !req
418. My mouth hardly ever smilesCopy !req
419. but it does not mean
I am not smiling inside my brain.Copy !req
420. PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,Copy !req
421. some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,Copy !req
422. and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.Copy !req
423. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?Copy !req
424. Dear Max,Copy !req
425. when I told Bernie CliffordCopy !req
426. I'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,Copy !req
427. he cried.Copy !req
428. I also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.Copy !req
429. Your advice was great
and I've got a job delivering pamphletsCopy !req
430. so I can save to come and see you.Copy !req
431. I am sad to hear you are fat.Copy !req
432. Mum says I am fat too and
I'm growing up to be a heifer,Copy !req
433. which I think is a type of cow.Copy !req
434. Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.Copy !req
435. On Mondays you could only eatCopy !req
436. milkshakes, marshmallows and... mustard.Copy !req
437. For my birthday, my Mum baked a
cake, and Dad gave me a camera.Copy !req
438. I hope you like the photos I sent.Copy !req
439. The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.Copy !req
440. The next one is one of myselfCopy !req
441. after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.Copy !req
442. Next is Len.Copy !req
443. He's still trying hard not to be afraid
of outside and conquer his homophobia.Copy !req
444. The next one is of dad in his shed,Copy !req
445. and then one of the times I covered mumCopy !req
446. while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.Copy !req
447. Next, when I got my slinky
caught in my hair.Copy !req
448. Then one of the times
Sonny digged up his wife, Cher.Copy !req
449. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour
Damian Popodopolous.Copy !req
450. He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dish-washing liquidCopy !req
451. and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.Copy !req
452. Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.Copy !req
453. She says you have to hit him
on the back of the headCopy !req
454. to get his words out.Copy !req
455. Popodopolous.Copy !req
456. I wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexingCopy !req
457. like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.Copy !req
458. She said it's when two people go 'nuddy'Copy !req
459. and rub on each other to make babies.Copy !req
460. I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toastCopy !req
461. 'cos babies really come
from beer glassesCopy !req
462. and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'.Copy !req
463. She said ladies get knocked upCopy !req
464. and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 yearsCopy !req
465. till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners'
with blood and tinned spaghetti.Copy !req
466. Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?Copy !req
467. Have you done sexing?Copy !req
468. Valentine's Day is soonCopy !req
469. and I want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.Copy !req
470. Can you explain love
and how I can be 'lover'd'?Copy !req
471. Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.Copy !req
472. Max knew nothing about love.Copy !req
473. It was as foreign to him as scuba divingCopy !req
474. and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.Copy !req
475. One Valentine's DayCopy !req
476. he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.Copy !req
477. The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bedCopy !req
478. was his hot water bottle.Copy !req
479. Romance and loveCopy !req
480. was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.Copy !req
481. If only Mary had asked
how a toaster worksCopy !req
482. or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.Copy !req
483. If only there was
a mathematical equation for love.Copy !req
484. He kept eating and thinking.Copy !req
485. But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube.
It could not be solved.Copy !req
486. No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.Copy !req
487. Beat it, creep!Copy !req
488. He felt love but couldn't articulate it.Copy !req
489. Its logic was as foreign to him as...
as a salad sandwich.Copy !req
490. The stars made more sense.Copy !req
491. 12, have you responded
to the call? Over.Copy !req
492. The anxiety and stress were too much.Copy !req
493. The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.Copy !req
494. He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesityCopy !req
495. and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.Copy !req
496. They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugsCopy !req
497. and performed
the usual 'therapeutic' procedures.Copy !req
498. Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.Copy !req
499. Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.Copy !req
500. Maybe America had run out of ink.Copy !req
501. Maybe his pets had eaten him.Copy !req
502. Maybe it was her.Copy !req
503. Was she too demanding,
too boring, too... ugly?Copy !req
504. Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,Copy !req
505. Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.Copy !req
506. Max had recovered.Copy !req
507. And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.Copy !req
508. But Mary still lingered in his mind.Copy !req
509. Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.Copy !req
510. The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.Copy !req
511. At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.Copy !req
512. He was a much safer option.Copy !req
513. He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.Copy !req
514. But she was far from contentCopy !req
515. and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.Copy !req
516. Life went on as usual for MaxCopy !req
517. and even though he opted
for order and stability,Copy !req
518. misfortune was never far away.Copy !req
519. Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissedCopy !req
520. because he was labelled
mentally deficientCopy !req
521. and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...Copy !req
522. unlike most people.Copy !req
523. From then on, Max
cooled himself differentlyCopy !req
524. and things went back to normalCopy !req
525. until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.Copy !req
526. Welcome to the New York LotteryCopy !req
527. and these are tonight's
winning numbers...Copy !req
528. 3, 5,Copy !req
529. 6, 9,Copy !req
530. 11 and 12!Copy !req
531. Max was sensible with his sudden wealthCopy !req
532. and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolateCopy !req
533. and the complete Noblet collection.Copy !req
534. Two of his life goals had come true.Copy !req
535. But he still had a lot of moneyCopy !req
536. so decided to give it to Ivy...Copy !req
537. who was also very sensible...Copy !req
538. until her own numbers came up.Copy !req
539. Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,Copy !req
540. whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,Copy !req
541. his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.Copy !req
542. Despite achieving all his life's goals,Copy !req
543. Max still felt incomplete.Copy !req
544. Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymoreCopy !req
545. and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.Copy !req
546. Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendshipCopy !req
547. and there was just no comparison.Copy !req
548. She missed him tooCopy !req
549. but no longer saved to see him.Copy !req
550. She now saved for a different reason.Copy !req
551. One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.Copy !req
552. Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.Copy !req
553. He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,Copy !req
554. not through the eyes,Copy !req
555. and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.Copy !req
556. Max understood.Copy !req
557. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
558. there is something I have to tell youCopy !req
559. which will explain
why I have not written.Copy !req
560. Each time I received one of your letters,
I had a severe anxiety attack.Copy !req
561. This is because recently,
while I was in a mental institution,Copy !req
562. they diagnosed that I have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,Copy !req
563. which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.Copy !req
564. I prefer 'Aspie' for short.Copy !req
565. I will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.Copy !req
566. No.1 - I find the world
very confusing and chaoticCopy !req
567. because my mind
is very literal and logical.Copy !req
568. 2 - I have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.Copy !req
569. When I was younger, I made a book
to help me when I was confused.Copy !req
570. I still have trouble with some people.Copy !req
571. Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinklesCopy !req
572. and because her eyebrows weren't real.Copy !req
573. 3 - I have bad handwriting,Copy !req
574. am hypersensitive...Copy !req
575. clumsyCopy !req
576. and can get very concerned.Copy !req
577. 4 - I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing.Copy !req
578. And finally No.5 -
I have trouble expressing my emotions.Copy !req
579. Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defectiveCopy !req
580. but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.Copy !req
581. I do not like it when he says this.Copy !req
582. I do not feel disabled, defective
or I need to be cured.Copy !req
583. I like being an Aspie.Copy !req
584. It would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.Copy !req
585. There is one thing
I wish I could change, however.Copy !req
586. I wish I could cry properly.Copy !req
587. I squeeze and squeeze
but nothing... comes out.Copy !req
588. I cry when I cut onions
but this does not count.Copy !req
589. Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'?Copy !req
590. It is a type of fruit.Copy !req
591. Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?Copy !req
592. My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,Copy !req
593. Vladivostok, bananaCopy !req
594. and testicle.Copy !req
595. I have also invented some new words...Copy !req
596. 'confuzzled', which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,Copy !req
597. 'snirt', which is a cross between
snow and dirt,Copy !req
598. and 'smushables'...Copy !req
599. which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.Copy !req
600. I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary peopleCopy !req
601. asking them to include my wordsCopy !req
602. but I have not heard back.Copy !req
603. It is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.Copy !req
604. There is a woman there
called Marjorie ButtersworthCopy !req
605. who confuzzles me.Copy !req
606. She kisses me without my permissionCopy !req
607. so tonight I have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.Copy !req
608. Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
609. PS. Please find enclosedCopy !req
610. some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.Copy !req
611. PPS. Not much has happened
since I last wroteCopy !req
612. except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and Ivy's death.Copy !req
613. Mary was thrilled
Max had finally writtenCopy !req
614. and suddenly had a fabulous idea.Copy !req
615. Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitatedCopy !req
616. and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.Copy !req
617. Inside Max's head
his brain was smiling.Copy !req
618. Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,Copy !req
619. their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.Copy !req
620. Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with cautionCopy !req
621. and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,Copy !req
622. take his medication
and soothe his nerves.Copy !req
623. Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,Copy !req
624. which also soothed his nerves.Copy !req
625. He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like...Copy !req
626. Do sheep shrink when it rains?Copy !req
627. Why do old men
wear their pants so high?Copy !req
628. Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?Copy !req
629. Are there Noblets in heaven?Copy !req
630. And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?Copy !req
631. In turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life...Copy !req
632. how many people
he'd counted littering...Copy !req
633. how the latest Henry had died...Copy !req
634. and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.Copy !req
635. Each nourished the otherCopy !req
636. and, as Mary grew taller,Copy !req
637. Max grew wider...Copy !req
638. their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.Copy !req
639. Although Max found solace in Mary,Copy !req
640. he still found the rest
of the world bewildering.Copy !req
641. And he couldn't understandCopy !req
642. why he was seen as the odd oneCopy !req
643. while everyone else
was considered normal.Copy !req
644. Humans were endlessly illogical.Copy !req
645. Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in India?Copy !req
646. Why did they clear the rain-forests
when they needed the oxygen?Copy !req
647. And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?Copy !req
648. He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite...Copy !req
649. the universe and man's stupidity.Copy !req
650. And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence...Copy !req
651. Bullseye!Copy !req
652. her world was far from perfect.Copy !req
653. The grip of love had her by the throat.Copy !req
654. At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1988...Copy !req
655. Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last stringCopy !req
656. and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.Copy !req
657. To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermyCopy !req
658. and taking up metal detecting instead.Copy !req
659. But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.Copy !req
660. In his will, Noel had left Mary
some moneyCopy !req
661. so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,Copy !req
662. yearning to learn more about her friend.Copy !req
663. Mary was as popular at
university as she was at school.Copy !req
664. Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.Copy !req
665. Hi there, Mary.Copy !req
666. Hi... hello!Copy !req
667. That was damn funny!Copy !req
668. Hey, Damian, your mum's roses look fab!Copy !req
669. Thanks, Mary.Copy !req
670. Mary, can I tell you something?Copy !req
671. Sure, babe!Copy !req
672. You've got dog's poo on your shoe.Copy !req
673. Dear Max,Copy !req
674. I have been such an idiot.Copy !req
675. I've wasted all my money
on something pointlessCopy !req
676. when I should have been saving
to see you.Copy !req
677. I know love upsets you
so I won't go on about it.Copy !req
678. All I want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.Copy !req
679. I hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.Copy !req
680. Love Mary.Copy !req
681. You should be ashamed!Copy !req
682. - Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Mum...Copy !req
683. I told you never to talk to strangers.Copy !req
684. Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guiltCopy !req
685. and she coped in the only way she knew.Copy !req
686. Dear Max,Copy !req
687. our wedding day was everything
I have ever dreamt,Copy !req
688. making up for the terrible year I've had.Copy !req
689. Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,Copy !req
690. I felt very welcome.Copy !req
691. Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.Copy !req
692. And for our honeymoonCopy !req
693. he took me to Mykonos -
his favourite island in Greece.Copy !req
694. I got to ride a donkeyCopy !req
695. and found the perfect gift for Len.Copy !req
696. Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.Copy !req
697. Damian and I are so similar.Copy !req
698. He even has his own penfriend,
who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.Copy !req
699. Mary... Mary.Copy !req
700. Mary... Mary.Copy !req
701. Mary was bursting with self-esteemCopy !req
702. and her confidence
was almost unbearable.Copy !req
703. At university, she shoneCopy !req
704. and took it upon herself to
cure the world of mental illness.Copy !req
705. She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndromeCopy !req
706. and used Max as her case study.Copy !req
707. Her professors
were thoroughly impressedCopy !req
708. and her writing praised far and wide.Copy !req
709. Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insightCopy !req
710. and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.Copy !req
711. Dear Max,Copy !req
712. I am very proud to give youCopy !req
713. the very first copy of my
book about your disabilityCopy !req
714. and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.Copy !req
715. Even more excitingCopy !req
716. is that I am finally coming to meet
and celebrate with you in one week's time.Copy !req
717. I'm also going to give you
half the royalties.Copy !req
718. Your loving friend, Mary.Copy !req
719. PS. Please find enclosed some
chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.Copy !req
720. Max didn't take the news very well...Copy !req
721. not very well at all.Copy !req
722. Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,Copy !req
723. I cannot express myself
very clearly at this momentCopy !req
724. and so I will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense...Copy !req
725. hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort,
distress and wheeziness.Copy !req
726. This last one is not really an emotionCopy !req
727. but I thought you should know about it anyway.Copy !req
728. With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.Copy !req
729. She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.Copy !req
730. But her excitement
suddenly dribbled awayCopy !req
731. like a chocolate in the sun.Copy !req
732. Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathingCopy !req
733. and cooking sherry.Copy !req
734. The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,Copy !req
735. only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.Copy !req
736. She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in herCopy !req
737. as a horrible apparition began to haunt.Copy !req
738. She started to spend her nights
making pompomsCopy !req
739. and eating two-minute noodles.Copy !req
740. Each day, with strength and shame,Copy !req
741. Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,Copy !req
742. only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.Copy !req
743. My dearest Mary,Copy !req
744. by the time you read this,
I will be on a plane to New ZealandCopy !req
745. to begin a new life.Copy !req
746. You probably haven't even noticed
I'd packed my bags.Copy !req
747. I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,Copy !req
748. and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.Copy !req
749. It's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.Copy !req
750. Your research into m-m-mental
illness has been admirableCopy !req
751. but your idealistic pursuit to
remedy it has been misguided.Copy !req
752. Mary, you have to realise y-you are not
a magic beauty creamCopy !req
753. you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.Copy !req
754. I love you, Mary,Copy !req
755. but I love Desmond more.Copy !req
756. I hope one day your heart will heal
and we can be friends.Copy !req
757. Yours compassionately, Damian.Copy !req
758. Dear Mayor Ridiculani,Copy !req
759. on Monday I counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.Copy !req
760. I would like to recommend
the fine be increasedCopy !req
761. to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrentCopy !req
762. and would be happy...Copy !req
763. Thank you.Copy !req
764. Sorry.Copy !req
765. Dear Mary,Copy !req
766. please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collectionCopy !req
767. as a sign that I forgive you.Copy !req
768. When I received your book,
the emotions inside...Copy !req
769. On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.Copy !req
770. He felt complete...Copy !req
771. the world was back in balance.Copy !req
772. Len had saved the day
and after 45 yearsCopy !req
773. he finally conquered his agoraphobia.Copy !req
774. Moron!Copy !req
775. Dear Mary,Copy !req
776. please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collectionCopy !req
777. as a sign that I forgive you.Copy !req
778. When I received your book,
the emotions inside my brainCopy !req
779. felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.Copy !req
780. The hurt felt like when I accidentally
stapled my lips together.Copy !req
781. The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.Copy !req
782. You are imperfect, and so am I.Copy !req
783. All humans are imperfect,Copy !req
784. even the man outside my apartment
who litters.Copy !req
785. When I was young,
I wanted to be anybody but myself.Copy !req
786. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert islandCopy !req
787. then I would have to get
used to my own company...Copy !req
788. just me and the coconuts.Copy !req
789. He said I would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,Copy !req
790. and that we don't get
to choose our warts.Copy !req
791. They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.Copy !req
792. We can, however, choose our friendsCopy !req
793. and I am glad I have chosen you.Copy !req
794. Dr Bernard Hazelhof also saidCopy !req
795. that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.Copy !req
796. Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,Copy !req
797. have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.Copy !req
798. Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.Copy !req
799. Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meetCopy !req
800. and we can share
a can of condensed milk.Copy !req
801. You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.Copy !req
802. Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.Copy !req
803. PS. I have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.Copy !req
804. All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.Copy !req
805. Max?Copy !req
806. Hello?Copy !req
807. Max, it's us!Copy !req
808. We're here!Copy !req
809. Max?Copy !req
810. Max had died peacefully that morningCopy !req
811. after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.Copy !req
812. You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.Copy !req
813. He smelt like liquorice and old
books, she thought to herself,Copy !req
814. as tears rolled from her eyesCopy !req
815. the colour of muddy puddles.Copy !req