1. Hey, howdy there, Mr. Lee.Copy !req
2. What is this? Filipino New Year's?Copy !req
3. No. Why you say that?Copy !req
4. Because you're cooking up a feast.Copy !req
5. I can smell it all the way
from the interstate.Copy !req
6. What is that? Barbecue?Copy !req
7. Oh, yeah. But it not coming from here.Copy !req
8. What is that noise?Copy !req
9. Daddy!Copy !req
10. — Daddy!
- Daddy!Copy !req
11. What is your take on this, Jerry?Copy !req
12. The people are gonna love it,
Mr. President.Copy !req
13. Our only conflict is whether we ambush
the 6:00 news or hold out for prime time.Copy !req
14. Screw the press.
This is a need-to-know situation.Copy !req
15. We should make it top secret...Copy !req
16. and move in right away
with DEFCON 4.Copy !req
17. Mr. President, we cannot sit on this.Copy !req
18. General Casey, do you have an opinion?Copy !req
19. Well, sir, do we know they're hostile?Copy !req
20. What do you mean,
"do we know they're hostile?"Copy !req
21. They have our planet surrounded
with thousands of warships.Copy !req
22. Do we know they're warships?Copy !req
23. Professor, what do we know about them?Copy !req
24. We know they're extremely advanced
technologically...Copy !req
25. which suggests, very rightfully so,
that they're peaceful.Copy !req
26. An advanced civilization is,
by definition, not barbaric.Copy !req
27. Mr. President, this is a great day.Copy !req
28. I and all my colleagues
are extremely excited.Copy !req
29. Good.Copy !req
30. Extraterrestrial life.Copy !req
31. You're right, Jerry.Copy !req
32. The people are gonna love it.Copy !req
33. This is a momentous occasion.Copy !req
34. - Mr. President, we have to act—
- We'll go all media on this.Copy !req
35. I'll wear my blue Cerruti suit.
And, Jerry, I'll need a good speech.Copy !req
36. Statesman-like...Copy !req
37. historical and yet warm and neighborly.Copy !req
38. Abraham Lincoln meets Leave It to Beaver.
You know the sort of thing. Heh.Copy !req
39. Yes, sir.Copy !req
40. Are they too old-fashioned?
- Yes.Copy !req
41. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
42. This has got the colors, but no.
I don't think so.Copy !req
43. — Not vivid enough.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
44. - Nancy had this in the library, didn't she?
- Yes, indeed.Copy !req
45. I don't think so.Copy !req
46. I thought perhaps the watered silk.
And this week it's on sale.Copy !req
47. I hardly think I need worry about that.Copy !req
48. My husband is the leader
of the free world.Copy !req
49. What do you think, Taffy?Copy !req
50. Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room
the way the Roosevelts wanted it?Copy !req
51. Because Eleanor Roosevelt
was too fond of chintz. That's why.Copy !req
52. Mother, this isn't your house.Copy !req
53. Taffy, if you're going to be a pest,
I'm going to ignore you.Copy !req
54. - Mrs. Dale?
- Yes?Copy !req
55. - I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69.
- Really?Copy !req
56. - You mean, you were a nun back then?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
57. We've always been fight fans,
haven't we, sisters?Copy !req
58. Byron Williams, telephone.Copy !req
59. - Byron Williams...
- That's me. I gotta go.Copy !req
60. You ladies have a nice time, all right?
Thank you.Copy !req
61. — Yeah?
- Byron?Copy !req
62. Oh, Louise.Copy !req
63. I'm sorry I have to call you at work.Copy !req
64. The boys haven't been home in two nights
and I don't know what to do.Copy !req
65. Listen, you're doing the best you can.Copy !req
66. They're just at that age.Copy !req
67. Louise, the casino manager's
giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go.Copy !req
68. I'll call you later, okay?Copy !req
69. Hey, are you still cool on me
coming to Washington?Copy !req
70. Sure. Of course I am.Copy !req
71. You take care, okay? Bye.Copy !req
72. Ahh...Copy !req
73. Do you have to drink in front of me?Copy !req
74. You're an adult. Just cope.Copy !req
75. It doesn't help me
that all we ever do is sit around in bars.Copy !req
76. Hey. This is work, baby, okay?Copy !req
77. I'm checking the decor,
the lighting, the traffic flow.Copy !req
78. If I'd known you'd turn into a crook,
I never would have married you.Copy !req
79. I'm not a crook.Copy !req
80. I'm ambitious. There's a difference.Copy !req
81. And if you think you can make
a nickel in this town...Copy !req
82. without knowing how to dally
around a few curves, well...Copy !req
83. you don't know doodlysquat
about the gaming industry.Copy !req
84. Oh, Art.Copy !req
85. Galaxy's gonna be
the best hotel in Vegas.Copy !req
86. The best. I promise.Copy !req
87. Don't you realize what you're doing?
Destroying the Earth.Copy !req
88. All this greed. This money system.Copy !req
89. You're destroying everything.Copy !req
90. Okay, okay, Barbara. Okay.Copy !req
91. Keep your voice down.Copy !req
92. I got friends here.Copy !req
93. Sugar. Hit me one more time.Copy !req
94. - Stop flirting with the waitress.
- Oh, God. Here.Copy !req
95. Go on over to the roulette...Copy !req
96. play our anniversary...Copy !req
97. and stay off of black.Copy !req
98. Thanks, honey.Copy !req
99. Yeah?Copy !req
100. Make it quick.
We go out live in 10 minutes.Copy !req
101. What? The actual president?
What do you mean, "cutting in"?Copy !req
102. Budget negotiations may be dead
in the water after this week.Copy !req
103. Hair looks good.Copy !req
104. I like the hair.Copy !req
105. —quote, "factually challenged."
Griffin says...Copy !req
106. Yeah, Stone. Speak.Copy !req
107. Jason, hi, it's me.Copy !req
108. You wearing a bra?Copy !req
109. Listen, this is big. President Dale
is cutting into my show today.Copy !req
110. That's absurd. Why would he stoop
to being on Today in Fashion?Copy !req
111. He's interrupting everybody.Copy !req
112. I don't know, it's some sort of
emergency announcement or something.Copy !req
113. This doesn't make sense.
He should be talking to us.Copy !req
114. White House is coming out live.Copy !req
115. Good evening, my fellow Americans.Copy !req
116. I apologize for interrupting
your regular programs...Copy !req
117. but I have a very important
announcement to make.Copy !req
118. Many important things have happened
to me in my life:Copy !req
119. My graduation from Princeton...Copy !req
120. the day that Marsha said
she would be my wife...Copy !req
121. the birth of our daughter, Taffy.Copy !req
122. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
123. And the news that I have heard today...Copy !req
124. - ... ranks right up there.
- Thank you.Copy !req
125. A powerful memory is in the making.Copy !req
126. Not just for me...Copy !req
127. but for all mankind.Copy !req
128. Today, an extraordinary discovery
was made by the Hubble telescope.Copy !req
129. The data from the Hubble was decoded...Copy !req
130. then analyzed
by the most powerful computers at MIT.Copy !req
131. The images are undeniable.Copy !req
132. We are entering the dawn of a new era.Copy !req
133. Frame enlargements
provide an astonishing sight.Copy !req
134. A fleet of vehicles,
which can best be described as...Copy !req
135. flying saucers.Copy !req
136. Come on. Come on.
Papa needs a new pair of shoes.Copy !req
137. Hey!Copy !req
138. Hey, am I the only one
shooting craps here?Copy !req
139. —we will have
- the opportunity to meet with them.Copy !req
140. I feel this is the perfect summation
to the 20th century...Copy !req
141. Martians.Copy !req
142. This is great.Copy !req
143. Please come to Earth. Please.Copy !req
144. We need you.Copy !req
145. I got people coming in.Copy !req
146. Everybody wants to be a part of this.Copy !req
147. Galaxy's gonna be world-class.Copy !req
148. And soon...Copy !req
149. we will become one solar system.Copy !req
150. What the hell is he talking about?Copy !req
151. These flying saucers
have come from the planet Mars...Copy !req
152. - ... and at their current course and speed...
- Oh. Hey.Copy !req
153. Listen, Hoss. I've been thinking about
Martians when there wasn't no Martians.Copy !req
154. It is profoundly moving
to know there is intelligent life out there.Copy !req
155. Glad they got it somewhere.Copy !req
156. And our world will never feel
quite the same again.Copy !req
157. Good night...Copy !req
158. and God bless you all.Copy !req
159. This...Copy !req
160. is intense.Copy !req
161. Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.Copy !req
162. Shut up.Copy !req
163. Jason Stone.Copy !req
164. It's for you.Copy !req
165. Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.Copy !req
166. That's right. Shh. Good girl. Yeah?Copy !req
167. Yeah. Well, I could be there at...Copy !req
168. I don't know, 11.Copy !req
169. Okay, bye-bye.Copy !req
170. Yes?Copy !req
171. Oh, they want me to go interview
that professor from the White House.Copy !req
172. Kessler?Copy !req
173. - Donald Kessler?
- Yeah, I think that was his name.Copy !req
174. You know, the science guy.Copy !req
175. This is nuts, this is...Copy !req
176. We should have got that guy.Copy !req
177. Well, I can't help it
if your people are too slow.Copy !req
178. Right, Poppy?Copy !req
179. - Finished!
- One minute, 57 seconds.Copy !req
180. - Ha-ha! Didn't I tell you under two minutes?
- You did.Copy !req
181. You did. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
182. - Hey, Ma, you want a doughnut?
- How old are they?Copy !req
183. Fresh-baked Monday.Copy !req
184. Richie, that's six days ago.Copy !req
185. Okay, give me a couple.Copy !req
186. Hey, this Martian thing
is pretty awesome, huh?Copy !req
187. Did any one of you traitors
see my Muffy?Copy !req
188. Your brother's gonna volunteer.Copy !req
189. As soon as I get back to the base.Copy !req
190. - Volunteer for what, Billy Glenn?
- Martian detail.Copy !req
191. - Uh-huh.
- Cool.Copy !req
192. If any of them Martians
come around here...Copy !req
193. I'm gonna kick their butts.
Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
194. Jump!Copy !req
195. Excuse me, folks,
but we gotta make an unscheduled stop.Copy !req
196. It's Mama.Copy !req
197. What are you doing here? Huh?
If you ain't home, why ain't you in class?Copy !req
198. - Mama, class was canceled.
- Class was not canceled.Copy !req
199. - Come here. Come here.
- For what?Copy !req
200. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Now, come here.Copy !req
201. Let go of him.Copy !req
202. Okay. Now, just come here.Copy !req
203. Come here.Copy !req
204. Think it's smart to cut school?Copy !req
205. - What are you doing?
- Do you? Do you? Huh? Huh?Copy !req
206. - No.
- "No, Mama." It's dumb.Copy !req
207. — You're gonna flunk and go to jail.
- No.Copy !req
208. Get your butt on the bus.
Get on that bus, boy.Copy !req
209. I'll be tripping all over you.
Get back there.Copy !req
210. — I don't want to hear another word.
- I hate school.Copy !req
211. I heard that.Copy !req
212. Hi.
- Hi there.Copy !req
213. - Want a date?
— How about it?Copy !req
214. A date?Copy !req
215. Sounds good.Copy !req
216. The stress at work is...Copy !req
217. unbelievable.Copy !req
218. Mr. Bava, can I speak to you in private?Copy !req
219. No, I gotta watch the floor.
What do you want, Byron?Copy !req
220. - I'm supporting my family back East.
- I thought you were divorced.Copy !req
221. Well, I am,
but I still have to take care of them.Copy !req
222. Anyway, look. Things have been
a little lean around here...Copy !req
223. and I was wondering
if I could get a raise?Copy !req
224. - Out of the question.
- Mr. Bava, I'm an asset to this hotel.Copy !req
225. - I mean, they like me around here.
- Byron, you're a nice guy.Copy !req
226. But I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas
for the same money, maybe less.Copy !req
227. You better get moving.
You're on in five minutes.Copy !req
228. This show's gonna get
a hell of a rating.Copy !req
229. It's all yours, Ian.Copy !req
230. —language you choose to employ,
and in certain circumstances...Copy !req
231. the proposition that two and two
equals five...Copy !req
232. is entirely legitimate.Copy !req
233. Call me Nathalie.Copy !req
234. And you, do please call me Donald.Copy !req
235. I've always admired your show.Copy !req
236. Really? You like my work?Copy !req
237. Yes. Very much.Copy !req
238. Why...Copy !req
239. Why, thank you.Copy !req
240. Coming out of commercial.Copy !req
241. In five, four, three, two...Copy !req
242. Welcome back. We're speaking
with Professor Donald Kessler.Copy !req
243. He's the chairman
of the American Academy of Astronautics.Copy !req
244. Professor...Copy !req
245. isn't it weird that we sent
a space probe to Mars...Copy !req
246. and we didn't even find anyone?Copy !req
247. Well, not really, Nathalie...Copy !req
248. because we didn't get into the canals.Copy !req
249. The Martian canals are actually canyons.Copy !req
250. Some of them are over 100 miles deep.Copy !req
251. The Martian civilization
has clearly developed...Copy !req
252. under the surface of the planet.Copy !req
253. Their science and technology
must be absolutely mind-boggling.Copy !req
254. So, what, in your view, Donald Kessler...Copy !req
255. chairman, are some of the things
that the Martians can teach us, professor?Copy !req
256. Quite a lot about Mars, I expect, Nathalie.Copy !req
257. She's flirting with him.Copy !req
258. Ahem. But seriously,
this is tremendously exciting.Copy !req
259. Think of it. The knowledge, new ideas.
It's gonna change everything.Copy !req
260. And we must be open to it.Copy !req
261. Maybe they can tell us
about our universe.Copy !req
262. How it started. Where it's going.Copy !req
263. Perhaps even its purpose.Copy !req
264. It's tremendously exciting.Copy !req
265. This is the most important thing to happen
since Jesus walked in Galilee.Copy !req
266. Oh, Christ. What's wrong with the picture?Copy !req
267. Go to Camera 2!Copy !req
268. I can't. It's busted.Copy !req
269. Well, then go to 1. Go to 4.Copy !req
270. He just copped a feel.Copy !req
271. Now what?Copy !req
272. What's that?Copy !req
273. So that's a Martian.Copy !req
274. That's a Martian?Copy !req
275. - Oh, my God.
- Yikes.Copy !req
276. I'm not gonna have that thing
in my house.Copy !req
277. Sweetie, we may have to. The people
will expect me to meet with them.Copy !req
278. Well, they're not gonna eat off
the Van Buren china.Copy !req
279. Oh, look at that brain.Copy !req
280. He must be real smart.Copy !req
281. It's gross.Copy !req
282. Don't forget, Nathalie...Copy !req
283. that we will look equally gross to him.Copy !req
284. Whoa. He made the international sign
of the doughnut.Copy !req
285. From the limited information available,
I've made three extrapolations.Copy !req
286. One, our Martian friend
is a carbon-based life form.Copy !req
287. Two, he breathes nitrogen.Copy !req
288. And three,
the large cerebrum here indicates...Copy !req
289. telepathic potential.Copy !req
290. You mean they can read our thoughts?Copy !req
291. - Potentially, yes.
- What about their intentions?Copy !req
292. Are they a friendly people?Copy !req
293. Logic dictates that given their extremely
high level of technical development...Copy !req
294. they're an advanced culture...Copy !req
295. therefore, peaceful and enlightened.Copy !req
296. The human race, on the other hand...Copy !req
297. is an aggressively dangerous species.Copy !req
298. Now, I suspect they have
more to fear from us...Copy !req
299. than we from them.Copy !req
300. - Doctor.
- Thank you, professor.Copy !req
301. For many years,
I've been refining a translating computer.Copy !req
302. The results are not perfect...Copy !req
303. but this may answer
some of your questions.Copy !req
304. All green of skin...Copy !req
305. 800 centuries ago.Copy !req
306. Their bodily fluids
include the birth of half-breeds.Copy !req
307. - How many centuries did he say?
- Eight hundred, sir.Copy !req
308. —self-determination of the cosmos.Copy !req
309. For dark is the suede
that mows like a harvest.Copy !req
310. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
311. - Hey, Mitch.
- Good morning, miss.Copy !req
312. I'm sorry, you can't come this way.
There's a tour in progress.Copy !req
313. Oh.Copy !req
314. Hello, my name is Barbara.Copy !req
315. Hello, Barbara.Copy !req
316. I am an alcoholic,
but I haven't had a drink in three months.Copy !req
317. Thank you.Copy !req
318. I'm feeling so optimistic
because of the Martians.Copy !req
319. We're not alone in the universe.Copy !req
320. And it's so perfect...Copy !req
321. that it's happening at the beginning
of the new millennium.Copy !req
322. Our planet was suffering
with the ozone and the rain forest...Copy !req
323. and so many people
unhappy in their lives.Copy !req
324. And then the Martians heard
our global karmic cry for help.Copy !req
325. People say they're ugly...Copy !req
326. but I think they've come
to show us the way.Copy !req
327. I think they've come to save us.Copy !req
328. Thank you.Copy !req
329. Bye-bye.Copy !req
330. You be careful, baby, okay?
Don't get yourself killed.Copy !req
331. Oh, ain't she cute?Copy !req
332. - Son, we're real proud of you.
- Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
333. Let me take this.Copy !req
334. - So long, bro.
- So long, retard.Copy !req
335. Just don't be touching none of my stuff
while I'm gone.Copy !req
336. Bye-bye, Grandma.Copy !req
337. Goodbye, Thomas.Copy !req
338. It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.Copy !req
339. I know. Thomas. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
340. Bye-bye, honey.Copy !req
341. I got to go.Copy !req
342. All right.Copy !req
343. I love you, baby.Copy !req
344. Adios.Copy !req
345. Be careful, boy.Copy !req
346. Bye-bye.Copy !req
347. Well, he'll be all right.Copy !req
348. - I hope so.
- Army trains them good.Copy !req
349. Well, he's gone for a while.Copy !req
350. Oh, Richie, why can't you be more
like your brother?Copy !req
351. Darling, we got plumb lucky
with Billy Glenn.Copy !req
352. Can't expect the same luck twice.Copy !req
353. Richie, want to make yourself
useful for a change?Copy !req
354. - Sure, Dad.
- Take Grandma back to the home.Copy !req
355. Grandma, I bet you never thought you'd
live to see the Martians coming to Earth.Copy !req
356. It's pretty far out, huh?Copy !req
357. Just think of all the crazy stuff
you must have seen in your lifetime.Copy !req
358. I bet people were pretty scared
when they invented the train.Copy !req
359. Come on, kid, I'm not that old.Copy !req
360. Grandma, are you okay?Copy !req
361. I want to see Slim.Copy !req
362. I want to see Slim...Copy !req
363. and Muffy and Richie.Copy !req
364. Grandma, I'm Richie.Copy !req
365. I know, Thomas.Copy !req
366. Richie was always the best one.Copy !req
367. The president is talking
to other world leaders.Copy !req
368. They're preparing a list of issues
of common interest to discuss.Copy !req
369. There is a unilateral, concerted,
diplomatic effort being made.Copy !req
370. - Jason.
- Yeah, Jerry, thanks.Copy !req
371. If the Martians land,
will the press have access?Copy !req
372. Can we do interviews?Copy !req
373. Well, I mean, that depends.Copy !req
374. You know,
we'd have to establish contact...Copy !req
375. work out whatever
communication problems...Copy !req
376. establish a parameter for talks. Then
I guess we just see what happens. Heh-heh.Copy !req
377. Oh, here's the president.Copy !req
378. Good morning.
It's nice to see you all again.Copy !req
379. I just have a few minutes for questions,
so let's get started.Copy !req
380. Mr. President!Copy !req
381. Do the Martians have two sexes,
like we do?Copy !req
382. From Hollywood, we bring
you The Lawrence Welk Show.Copy !req
383. Now, here he is, Mr. Music-Maker himself,
Lawrence Welk.Copy !req
384. This pussycat
is the most beautiful pussycat...Copy !req
385. in the whole world.Copy !req
386. That's my Muffy.Copy !req
387. Mwah.Copy !req
388. Richie, didn't you ever have
a pussycat of your own?Copy !req
389. Sure, Grandma.Copy !req
390. Music.Copy !req
391. - There you go.
- Thank you.Copy !req
392. Hey, Grandma, you gonna be okay?Copy !req
393. If you need anything,
any doughnuts or anything...Copy !req
394. give me a call, all right?Copy !req
395. Bye.Copy !req
396. Will you answer tooCopy !req
397. How do, Byron?Copy !req
398. Looks like you ain't got no wheels.Copy !req
399. Come on, get in.Copy !req
400. I'm gonna do you a favor, Byron.Copy !req
401. I owe you one. I made a ton of money
on your last fight in '73.Copy !req
402. The Quaker in Jamaica.Copy !req
403. Heh. I'm glad somebody did.Copy !req
404. Yeah, I know, I know.Copy !req
405. It's rough on jocks.Copy !req
406. Get to a certain age,
opportunities dry up.Copy !req
407. So here's the deal.Copy !req
408. I got this chump, owes me a lot of money,
needs a wake-up call.Copy !req
409. What I'd like for you to do is...Copy !req
410. use that patented left hook on him.Copy !req
411. Just in the ring, Art, you know?
Just in the ring.Copy !req
412. Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip...Copy !req
413. but I'll give you two grand.Copy !req
414. When you're done...Copy !req
415. all you gotta do is mosey on by the office
and pick up the cash.Copy !req
416. Why you wanna come at me
that way, Art?Copy !req
417. You know I'm trying to
get back with my wife.Copy !req
418. We used to have problems
with that same kind of shit.Copy !req
419. I've changed, man.Copy !req
420. I found Allah, I don't eat pork,
and I'm a better man.Copy !req
421. I faced that demon.
I don't want him coming out again.Copy !req
422. You gave up pork.Copy !req
423. General, they're sending coordinates.Copy !req
424. - Where are they landing?
- Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.Copy !req
425. Yes, sir. I can have my troops there
at 0800 hours, sir.Copy !req
426. Mr. President, we must not send
these people the wrong message.Copy !req
427. We need a welcome mat,
not a row of tanks.Copy !req
428. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
429. You can't have Martians
running all over Nevada!Copy !req
430. - You're right, general.
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
431. The situation needs to be supervised.Copy !req
432. Absolutely, sir.Copy !req
433. General Casey...Copy !req
434. you think you can handle it?Copy !req
435. I'd be proud.Copy !req
436. Good, but keep a lid on it.Copy !req
437. Key media, good cross-section of guests.Copy !req
438. We don't want it
to turn into a zoo out there.Copy !req
439. Yes, sir.Copy !req
440. They don't know what the hell
they're talking about.Copy !req
441. Liberals, intellectuals...Copy !req
442. peacemongers, idiots!Copy !req
443. Would you please keep it down?Copy !req
444. People live here.Copy !req
445. General Casey.Copy !req
446. Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.Copy !req
447. Isn't that great?Copy !req
448. Oh, it's a hell of an honor.Copy !req
449. But didn't I always tell you, honey...Copy !req
450. if I just stayed in place
and never spoke up...Copy !req
451. good things were bound to happen?Copy !req
452. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
453. I want the Martians to be treated
like foreign dignitaries.Copy !req
454. I want your men alert and majestic...Copy !req
455. with a snap in their step.Copy !req
456. This has got to look good.
The whole world is watching.Copy !req
457. Yes, sir.Copy !req
458. Are you positive
this thing is gonna work?Copy !req
459. Positively positive.Copy !req
460. We don't want any slip-ups.Copy !req
461. No, no, no. Not at all. No.Copy !req
462. Hey, Poppy. All these people...Copy !req
463. all of them here to see you.Copy !req
464. Mm-mwah.Copy !req
465. There's Jason, Poppy.Copy !req
466. Hi, Jason!Copy !req
467. Hi.Copy !req
468. Jason.Copy !req
469. Hi. Yoo-hoo.Copy !req
470. All right, let's go.Copy !req
471. The teeming masses have gathered
from who knows how many states...Copy !req
472. waiting and watching.
Why have they come?Copy !req
473. Curiosity? Or is it something more?Copy !req
474. Or is it simply to say, "I was there"?Copy !req
475. "I was there when first man...Copy !req
476. met Martian."Copy !req
477. Jason Stone, GNN, Pahrump.Copy !req
478. Give them room.
That's it. Give them room.Copy !req
479. It is an awesome sight.Copy !req
480. The giant spacecraft glinting...Copy !req
481. in the Nevada sun like a giant...Copy !req
482. hubcap.Copy !req
483. Something's happening.Copy !req
484. Doorway is opening.Copy !req
485. A silver ramp is coming out...Copy !req
486. like a giant tongue. Oh.Copy !req
487. Gee whiz.Copy !req
488. Rusty. Shh.Copy !req
489. Martians.Copy !req
490. Funny little critters, ain't they?Copy !req
491. Well?Copy !req
492. Wait a moment.Copy !req
493. Greetings. I am the Martian ambassador.Copy !req
494. Everything is fixed now, general.
You may speak.Copy !req
495. Greetings. I am General Casey...Copy !req
496. commanding officer of the armed forces
of the United States of America.Copy !req
497. On behalf of the people of Earth,
welcome.Copy !req
498. He did that well.Copy !req
499. We come in peace.Copy !req
500. We come in peace. We come in peace.Copy !req
501. They came in peace.Copy !req
502. We come in peace.Copy !req
503. Open fire!Copy !req
504. Whoa!Copy !req
505. What the hell is this?Copy !req
506. Nathalie!Copy !req
507. Die, you alien shithead!Copy !req
508. Uh-oh.Copy !req
509. I surrender.Copy !req
510. No, that ain't happening.
That didn't happen.Copy !req
511. Nathalie.Copy !req
512. Aah!Copy !req
513. Holy mother of God.Copy !req
514. Did you see that?Copy !req
515. We should hit these assholes
with everything we got, sir.Copy !req
516. Sir, Mr. President,
I know this seems terrible...Copy !req
517. but let's not be too rash.Copy !req
518. We should nuke them now, sir.Copy !req
519. We must establish
a line of communication first.Copy !req
520. Why not set up a town hall?Copy !req
521. We can get the public's opinion.Copy !req
522. What do you think, Marsha?Copy !req
523. Kick the crap out of them.Copy !req
524. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
525. this could be
a cultural misunderstanding.Copy !req
526. Yeah. Maybe to them, doves mean war.Copy !req
527. We all saw how they reacted
to that dove.Copy !req
528. It frightened them.Copy !req
529. He did say that...Copy !req
530. "We come in peace."Copy !req
531. Yes.Copy !req
532. The new computer's ready,
Mr. President.Copy !req
533. Okay, let's do it.Copy !req
534. I know we're making the right decision.Copy !req
535. Ready to transmit.Copy !req
536. This is the president
of the United States.Copy !req
537. I'm speaking to you in the hope...Copy !req
538. that what happened earlier today
in the Nevada desert...Copy !req
539. was a cultural misunderstanding.Copy !req
540. There can be no doubt
that we two peoples...Copy !req
541. have a great deal to offer one another.Copy !req
542. You must be as excited as we...Copy !req
543. to find intelligent life
in the solar system.Copy !req
544. And let me make it clear:Copy !req
545. You have nothing to fear from us.Copy !req
546. Our customs may be strange to you...Copy !req
547. but we mean no harm.Copy !req
548. When the investors fly in...Copy !req
549. I would like for them each
to be met by a limo.Copy !req
550. Top-of-the-line cars...Copy !req
551. leather interiors...Copy !req
552. Corinthian, if they got it.Copy !req
553. Art, are you still spinning your wheels
on that cockamamie hotel?Copy !req
554. - Whoa.
- Hello.Copy !req
555. The Martians have attacked.Copy !req
556. This was no misunderstanding.
I was there. I saw it.Copy !req
557. Look, you're worried about yesterday.Copy !req
558. But I'm worried about tomorrow.Copy !req
559. The Martians land on Earth,
they're gonna need a place to stay.Copy !req
560. Just like everybody else.Copy !req
561. My God.Copy !req
562. Maybe we should all be destroyed.Copy !req
563. The human race doesn't deserve to live.Copy !req
564. Ethel, that reminds me.Copy !req
565. I would like for every limo to be stocked...Copy !req
566. with every kind of alcohol
known to man.Copy !req
567. And top it off
with a bottle of Dom on ice.Copy !req
568. What confounds me most of all,
gentlemen, is the lack of genitalia.Copy !req
569. And of course down here we have the aorta.
Up here we have the sphinx.Copy !req
570. Notice the highly developed
cranial nerve system here.Copy !req
571. This explains, of course,
the cerebral arteries.Copy !req
572. And if we notice down here,
behind the optic chiasm...Copy !req
573. several glands...Copy !req
574. Very curious.Copy !req
575. He who believes in me,
though he die, yet shall he live.Copy !req
576. And whoever lives and believes in me
shall never die.Copy !req
577. Billy Glenn Norris gave his life
defending our country.Copy !req
578. Why did it have to be him?Copy !req
579. Billy Glenn Norris is a true American hero.Copy !req
580. May God rest his soul.Copy !req
581. Ready. Aim.Copy !req
582. Fire.Copy !req
583. Aim. Fire.Copy !req
584. Aim. Fire.Copy !req
585. Hello?Copy !req
586. Byron. Is everything all right?
You still coming tomorrow?Copy !req
587. You just try and stop me.
That plane arrives at 4 p.m.Copy !req
588. - Are the kids there?
- Yeah, hold on.Copy !req
589. Cedric. Neville.Copy !req
590. - Me first.
- No, me.Copy !req
591. - Hey, Dad.
- Who's that? Neville?Copy !req
592. Yeah.
- How you doing?Copy !req
593. - We're going to the White House.
- You're going to the White House?Copy !req
594. Yeah, tomorrow.Copy !req
595. - Man, give it back.
- Leave me alone.Copy !req
596. It's a school thing, like a tour.Copy !req
597. So that means you're still going to school
once in a while?Copy !req
598. Yeah.Copy !req
599. - Give me your ma again, all right?
- All right. Hold on. Mom.Copy !req
600. - You always get to the phone first.
- So what?Copy !req
601. Well, I'm first to the game.Copy !req
602. What are you wasting this phone time for?
We're gonna see you tomorrow.Copy !req
603. Yeah, but there's something
I want to say to you.Copy !req
604. Just because I feel like saying it,
all right?Copy !req
605. Yeah, what's that?Copy !req
606. I love you.Copy !req
607. I love you too, Byron.Copy !req
608. Now stop wasting money.
I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
609. They're responding.Copy !req
610. A message from the Martians.Copy !req
611. - Really?
- They've issued a formal apology.Copy !req
612. This is great.Copy !req
613. Didn't I tell you this would happen?Copy !req
614. The Martian ambassador feels terrible
and asked permission to speak to Congress.Copy !req
615. I mean, that's good, isn't it?Copy !req
616. You bet.Copy !req
617. It's a great victory for our administration.Copy !req
618. Ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
619. This is a proud day for all Americans.Copy !req
620. This is a hell of a photo op, Jerry.Copy !req
621. Are you sure I shouldn't be there?Copy !req
622. For some picky reason, the Secret Service
don't want the executive branch...Copy !req
623. and the legislative branch
in the same room at the same time.Copy !req
624. The Martian ambassador
is gonna say a few words.Copy !req
625. Come on down, Mr. Ambassador.Copy !req
626. Oh.Copy !req
627. Mr. Ambassador, please!Copy !req
628. Mr. Ambassador. What are you doing?
This doesn't make sense!Copy !req
629. It's not logical! It's not—Copy !req
630. Guess it wasn't the dove.Copy !req
631. Fire!Copy !req
632. They blew up Congress.Copy !req
633. What did they do that for?Copy !req
634. Maybe they don't liking
the human being.Copy !req
635. Hello, gentlemen.Copy !req
636. Nice of you to come
on such short notice.Copy !req
637. General Decker,
it seems I owe you an apology.Copy !req
638. Hey, we all make mistakes,
Mr. President.Copy !req
639. Not anymore.Copy !req
640. We're going to take charge of this thing.Copy !req
641. Excellent, sir. I have prepared the order.Copy !req
642. What's this?Copy !req
643. Oh, that's your executive order authorizing
full use of our nuclear deterrent, sir.Copy !req
644. Are you out of your mind?
I'm not going to start a war.Copy !req
645. We're already at war, sir.Copy !req
646. We have to nuke them.
We have to nuke them now!Copy !req
647. General Decker, if you do not shut up...Copy !req
648. I'm going to relieve you
of your command.Copy !req
649. We have to strike now, sir.Copy !req
650. Annihilate. Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
651. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
652. Now...Copy !req
653. I want the people to know...Copy !req
654. that they still have two out of three
branches of government working for them...Copy !req
655. and that ain't bad.Copy !req
656. I want the people to know
that the schools will still be open, okay?Copy !req
657. And I want the people to know...Copy !req
658. that the garbage
will still be carried out.Copy !req
659. And I want a cop on every corner.Copy !req
660. Which, incidentally...Copy !req
661. we would already have...Copy !req
662. if they had listened to me
in the last election.Copy !req
663. Jerry...Copy !req
664. how soon can we go on the air?Copy !req
665. Uh...Copy !req
666. My fellow Americans...Copy !req
667. it is with a heavy heart...Copy !req
668. that I speak to you this afternoon.
As you know...Copy !req
669. earlier today the Martian ambassador
and his confederates...Copy !req
670. attacked and killed many
of your representatives on Capitol Hill.Copy !req
671. I will be conferring with other world leaders
as time goes on.Copy !req
672. And rest assured that,
working together...Copy !req
673. we will soon come out...Copy !req
674. at a very real outcome.Copy !req
675. Thank you.Copy !req
676. Hmm.Copy !req
677. Oh.Copy !req
678. Nathalie?Copy !req
679. Nathalie, is that you?Copy !req
680. Yes. How are you feeling?Copy !req
681. Not terribly good, I'm afraid.Copy !req
682. May I ask you a question?Copy !req
683. Mm. Yes.
Yes, of course you can, Nathalie.Copy !req
684. Were you flirting with me on the show?Copy !req
685. Because if you were...Copy !req
686. I just want you to know that I liked it.Copy !req
687. Ha-ha. You did? Really?Copy !req
688. Because, you know,
I've watched you on TV quite a bit...Copy !req
689. and, well, I've had something
of a schoolboy crush on you for...Copy !req
690. oh, gosh, ages.Copy !req
691. Hi there.
Are you interested in the White House?Copy !req
692. I work there. I'm the press secretary.Copy !req
693. My name's Jerry Ross.Copy !req
694. Maybe you've heard of me?Copy !req
695. You wouldn't believe
the pressure of my job.Copy !req
696. It's nice to see a new face.Copy !req
697. Hey, are you doing anything?Copy !req
698. Because if you want,
I could give you a personalized tour.Copy !req
699. Would you like that?Copy !req
700. Hey, Mitch, it's me. Can you let me in?Copy !req
701. Oh, hello, Mr. Ross. Sure.Copy !req
702. We're a little nervous here,
after what happened.Copy !req
703. Exactly.Copy !req
704. Many great men and women
have passed through here.Copy !req
705. Now we're passing through here.Copy !req
706. Feels good, don't it?Copy !req
707. You're very graceful.Copy !req
708. I like that.Copy !req
709. Come here.Copy !req
710. We call this the Kennedy Room.Copy !req
711. Pretty nifty, huh?Copy !req
712. So how's about a drink?Copy !req
713. Ah. Getting more comfortable, I see.Copy !req
714. Outstanding.Copy !req
715. How's my lady doing?Copy !req
716. Oh, missy, you're hot.Copy !req
717. But could we get that gum
out of your mouth?Copy !req
718. Oh!Copy !req
719. My finger!Copy !req
720. Hello? Hello, operator?
Operator, this is an emergency!Copy !req
721. Help! Please!Copy !req
722. Don't shoot.Copy !req
723. Don't worry, darling.Copy !req
724. Get down!Copy !req
725. - Thank you, Mitch.
- It's my job.Copy !req
726. Jimmy. Aah! Jimmy.Copy !req
727. What's happening?Copy !req
728. They appear to be in a highly agitated state,
Nathalie. And I don't know.Copy !req
729. I honestly don't know, Nathalie.Copy !req
730. I don't know what's going on anymore.
This is frustrating.Copy !req
731. I'm just not feeling myself. Nathalie,
if only I could hold you in my arms.Copy !req
732. Oh, Donald. I'm scared.Copy !req
733. Excuse me.
But you said you wanted to know...Copy !req
734. as soon as we had an analysis
of the gum.Copy !req
735. - What is it?
- It's NO2.Copy !req
736. Highly concentrated.Copy !req
737. Nitrogen.Copy !req
738. So that's how it could breathe
in our atmosphere.Copy !req
739. What's that noise?Copy !req
740. Theodore, I simply do not feel
that Lincoln...Copy !req
741. It's a full-scale invasion. Mr. President,
we're gonna need to get you to safety.Copy !req
742. Can we go this way?Copy !req
743. Sorry, ma'am.
There's a tour going through here.Copy !req
744. The Blue Room is often considered...Copy !req
745. the most beautiful room
in the White House.Copy !req
746. In fact, it is often used by the president
to receive guests.Copy !req
747. It is furnished to represent the period
of James Monroe.Copy !req
748. Hey, what's that?Copy !req
749. That is a portrait of James Monroe.Copy !req
750. Go, go!Copy !req
751. - We lost Taffy.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
752. Mr. President, please. Keep moving.
We have to get you to the back stairs!Copy !req
753. The Nancy Reagan chandelier.Copy !req
754. Marsha!Copy !req
755. Marsha!Copy !req
756. Marsha?Copy !req
757. What are you guys gawking at?
Get that president out of here!Copy !req
758. And I personally guarantee...Copy !req
759. that you will get a complete return
on your investment...Copy !req
760. within five months.Copy !req
761. Mr. Land, excuse me, please.Copy !req
762. Just a second, Sheik Rakmula.Copy !req
763. Now, even in a time of so-called
intergalactic emergency...Copy !req
764. the people still wanna roll
them bones.Copy !req
765. Mr. Land. I believe—Copy !req
766. Just five more minutes, Quinn.Copy !req
767. What I would like
for you gentlemen to do...Copy !req
768. is to view our brand-new,
state-of-the-art show room.Copy !req
769. It is out of sight.Copy !req
770. Gentlemen.Copy !req
771. There is no way that we can lose.Copy !req
772. Whoa!Copy !req
773. It's not unusual to be loved by anyoneCopy !req
774. It's not unusual to have fun with anyoneCopy !req
775. But when I see you hanging about
With anyoneCopy !req
776. It's not unusual to see me cryCopy !req
777. I wanna dieCopy !req
778. I've been trying to call you all day.
The flight's been canceled.Copy !req
779. Byron, there's Martians everywhere.Copy !req
780. - Hello?
- Byron! Byron!Copy !req
781. - I can't hear you!
- Byron!Copy !req
782. I gotta get to Washington.Copy !req
783. Byron?Copy !req
784. Byron? Byron.
Do you know anyone who can fly a plane?Copy !req
785. - Yeah, your husband, Art.
- No, he's dead.Copy !req
786. I told him this was gonna happen.
I even loaded a plane with supplies.Copy !req
787. I want to go to Tahoe, to the Tahoe caves.
It's remote, the Martians won't find it.Copy !req
788. Well, where's the plane?Copy !req
789. Private airfield.
Other side of the freeway.Copy !req
790. - You think they'll fly to Washington, D.C.?
- Why? I wanna go to Tahoe.Copy !req
791. You'll find it happens
All the timeCopy !req
792. Love would never do
What you want it toCopy !req
793. Why can't this crazy loveCopy !req
794. Be mineCopy !req
795. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
796. Girls, get out! Get out!Copy !req
797. Get out! Get out!Copy !req
798. There's a Martian right behind me.Copy !req
799. Hey, you're Tom Jones, right?Copy !req
800. It ain't unusualCopy !req
801. Tom, Tom, can I have an autograph?
Anybody got a pen?Copy !req
802. - Hey, that was a hell of a punch.
- You'd better get that gun.Copy !req
803. - I'm Tom Jones.
- Byron Williams.Copy !req
804. Hey, I saw you fight
in Cardiff, Wales once.Copy !req
805. - Yeah? Hey, Barbara.
- Yeah?Copy !req
806. You all right?Copy !req
807. - I need a drink.
- You and me both, baby.Copy !req
808. - We better get out.
- You know how to fly a plane?Copy !req
809. - Sure. You got one?
- She has.Copy !req
810. Don't run, we are your friends.Copy !req
811. - Martians blew up the shop.
- You're kidding me?Copy !req
812. - Should I get Grandma?
- Forget Grandma.Copy !req
813. She's halfway to outer space already.
Here, lock and load.Copy !req
814. I'll tell you one thing.
They ain't getting the TV.Copy !req
815. The president of France on line two.Copy !req
816. Mr. President, the president of France
is on line two.Copy !req
817. He says it's important.Copy !req
818. Hello, Maurice.Copy !req
819. I have some good news for you.
The Martian ambassador is here.Copy !req
820. And we've negotiated a settlement.Copy !req
821. Maurice, get out of the room.
Get out now.Copy !req
822. Mr. President.Copy !req
823. Mr. President.Copy !req
824. I need you to sign this.Copy !req
825. What is it?Copy !req
826. My last will and testament?Copy !req
827. It is an order to deploy
our nuclear capability, sir.Copy !req
828. Three, two, one, fire.Copy !req
829. What the hell was that?Copy !req
830. Look!Copy !req
831. What was that?Copy !req
832. - Where you going?
- To go get Grandma.Copy !req
833. No, you ain't.
Stay and defend this trailer.Copy !req
834. That's what Billy Glenn would've done.Copy !req
835. - You leave, you're disgracing a hero.
- I don't care. I'm gonna go get Grandma.Copy !req
836. - Boy!
- Richie, come back here!Copy !req
837. What in the hell is that?Copy !req
838. Hey! Cut it out!Copy !req
839. Stop it!Copy !req
840. - This way.
- No, this way.Copy !req
841. Bullshit! The airfield's over there!Copy !req
842. Hey. Hey, just because
you're dressed like King Tut...Copy !req
843. doesn't mean you're our leader.
Look at this. This is wrong!Copy !req
844. We're lost. He led us down a maze.
I'm going back to the hotel.Copy !req
845. - Come on, this way!
- Wait!Copy !req
846. - No, wait! Where are you going?
- Come on, Barbara.Copy !req
847. I like him. I do.Copy !req
848. Assholes. Why did I listen to them?
I should have stayed in the hotel.Copy !req
849. Shit!Copy !req
850. I surrender, okay?Copy !req
851. You understand what that means?
Surrender?Copy !req
852. Lookit. You're intelligent beings.Copy !req
853. Let's cut a deal. I can help you.Copy !req
854. I'm a lawyer.Copy !req
855. You want to conquer the world,
you're gonna need lawyers, right?Copy !req
856. Here.Copy !req
857. You want my watch?Copy !req
858. Take it. Take it. Go on. It's a Rolex.Copy !req
859. Rolex.Copy !req
860. - Nice shot.
- Yeah, pity I was too late.Copy !req
861. Barbara, can I have the gun back, please?
Barbara, give me the gun and come on!Copy !req
862. Grandma!Copy !req
863. Oh, my God.Copy !req
864. When I'm calling youCopy !req
865. Richie, I think these guys are very sick.Copy !req
866. What's happening to them?
What's killing them?Copy !req
867. I think it must be my music.Copy !req
868. Ho! Shh! Shh.Copy !req
869. Quiet.Copy !req
870. You think you can do anything you want.Copy !req
871. Well, you can't.Copy !req
872. You see, because we are human beings.Copy !req
873. And we have the United States Army...Copy !req
874. that'll fight you to the last man.
And we'll never surrender.Copy !req
875. Do you hear me?Copy !req
876. We'll fight you on the beaches.
We'll fight you on the street.Copy !req
877. We will never, never surrender.Copy !req
878. Old Glory will win!
Democracy will survive!Copy !req
879. We will never, ever surrender!Copy !req
880. We will win!
The eagle will be triumphant!Copy !req
881. No.Copy !req
882. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
883. Why?Copy !req
884. Isn't the universe big enough...Copy !req
885. for both of us?Copy !req
886. What is wrong with you people?Copy !req
887. We could work together.Copy !req
888. Why be enemies?Copy !req
889. Because we're different?Copy !req
890. Is that why?Copy !req
891. Think of the things that we could do.Copy !req
892. Think how strong we would be.Copy !req
893. Earth...Copy !req
894. and Mars...Copy !req
895. together.Copy !req
896. There is nothing
that we could not accomplish.Copy !req
897. Think about it.Copy !req
898. Think about it.Copy !req
899. Why destroy...Copy !req
900. when you can create?Copy !req
901. We can have it all...Copy !req
902. or we can smash it all.Copy !req
903. Why can't we work out our differences?Copy !req
904. Why can't we work things out?Copy !req
905. Little people...Copy !req
906. why can't we all just get along?Copy !req
907. What's this?Copy !req
908. Don't run. We are your friends.Copy !req
909. Don't run. We are your friends.Copy !req
910. Next stop, radio station.Copy !req
911. There it is.Copy !req
912. Let's move it!Copy !req
913. Here it is.Copy !req
914. Go get it started.
Barbara, go with him.Copy !req
915. - Okay.
- Cindy, come with me.Copy !req
916. Tom. Are you sure you can fly this?Copy !req
917. Yeah, I think so, yeah.Copy !req
918. Who put that on?Copy !req
919. - It's stuck.
- Cindy, over here.Copy !req
920. Shit.Copy !req
921. They haven't seen us yet. Come here.Copy !req
922. - Cindy. Get in the plane.
- What?Copy !req
923. I'm staying. I'll distract them.Copy !req
924. The first chance you get, you take off.Copy !req
925. - I'm not leaving you.
- Just do it.Copy !req
926. I'll draw them away. Now, go.Copy !req
927. - No.
- I said, go!Copy !req
928. Oh, my God.Copy !req
929. - What's he doing?
- He must have flipped!Copy !req
930. - He's going to throw them off.
- Yeah, but we can't leave him.Copy !req
931. No weapon. No clown outfit.Copy !req
932. Just me!Copy !req
933. Byron Williams...Copy !req
934. heavyweight champion...Copy !req
935. of the world.Copy !req
936. Something's happened.Copy !req
937. Something's happened to Byron.Copy !req
938. When I'm calling youCopy !req
939. Will you answer tooCopy !req
940. That means I offer my loveCopy !req
941. Our love will come trueCopy !req
942. You belong to meCopy !req
943. I belong to youCopy !req
944. Goodbye, my darling.
I wish things could've been different.Copy !req
945. So do I.Copy !req
946. Goodbye.Copy !req
947. - I love you.
- I love you too, Nathalie.Copy !req
948. Florence Norris...Copy !req
949. I hereby present to you
the Congressional Medal of Honor...Copy !req
950. the highest decoration
our nation can bestow.Copy !req
951. Thank you, honey.
But don't you dare let this happen again.Copy !req
952. Richard Norris...Copy !req
953. on behalf of my parents,
who couldn't be here today...Copy !req
954. for saving the world
from the Martians...Copy !req
955. I proudly present to you
the Medal of Honor.Copy !req
956. You don't have to kiss me
if you don't want to.Copy !req
957. I have to.Copy !req
958. I prepared a speech. Is that all right?Copy !req
959. Sure, that's very appropriate.Copy !req
960. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
961. First, I just want to say—Copy !req
962. Can you speak up? We can't hear you.Copy !req
963. Well, I want to say that there's
a lot of people in the world...Copy !req
964. that have, like,
done a lot more than I have...Copy !req
965. and they're the ones
that should be here now getting a medal.Copy !req
966. And I want to thank my grandma
for always being so good to me...Copy !req
967. and for helping save the world
and everything.Copy !req
968. So I guess, like, now we just have to...Copy !req
969. start over and start rebuilding everything,
like our houses.Copy !req
970. But I was thinking, maybe instead
of houses, we could live in tepees...Copy !req
971. because it's better in a lot of ways.Copy !req
972. Okay, that's all I have to say. Thanks.Copy !req
973. - Was that okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
974. Do you got a girlfriend?Copy !req
975. No.Copy !req
976. Guys, come on. Give me a break.
Go on in there and start cleaning your room.Copy !req
977. I can't do all this by myself.
Please? Look at you.Copy !req
978. Yeah.Copy !req