1. Howdy there, Mr. Lee.Copy !req
2. What's this? Filipino New Year's?Copy !req
3. No. Why you say that?Copy !req
4. 'Cause you're cooking a feast.Copy !req
5. I can smell it from the interstate.Copy !req
6. What is that? Barbecue?Copy !req
7. Yeah. But it not coming from here.Copy !req
8. What is that noise?Copy !req
9. What is your take on this, Jerry?Copy !req
10. The people will love it, Mr. President.Copy !req
11. Our conflict is whether we ambush
the 6:00 news or hold out for prime time.Copy !req
12. Screw the press.
This is a need-to-know situation.Copy !req
13. We should make it top secret,
and should move in with Defcon Four.Copy !req
14. We can't sit on this.Copy !req
15. General Casey, do you have an opinion?Copy !req
16. Well, sir...Copy !req
17. do we know they are hostile?Copy !req
18. What do you mean?Copy !req
19. They have the planet surrounded
by thousands of warships!Copy !req
20. Do we know they're warships?Copy !req
21. Professor, what do we know about them?Copy !req
22. They're very advanced technologically.Copy !req
23. Which suggests, rightfully so,
that they're peaceful.Copy !req
24. An advanced civilization is,
by definition, not barbaric.Copy !req
25. Mr. President...Copy !req
26. this is a great day.Copy !req
27. I and all my colleagues...Copy !req
28. are extremely excited.Copy !req
29. Good.Copy !req
30. Extraterrestrial life.Copy !req
31. You're right, Jerry.Copy !req
32. The people are going to love it.Copy !req
33. This is a momentous occasion.Copy !req
34. Mr. President—Copy !req
35. We'll go all media on this.Copy !req
36. I'll wear my Cerruti suit.Copy !req
37. I'll need a good speech.Copy !req
38. Statesman-like...Copy !req
39. historical and yet...Copy !req
40. warm, neighborly.Copy !req
41. Abraham Lincoln meets
Leave it to Beaver, kind of thing.Copy !req
42. Are they too old-fashioned?Copy !req
43. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
44. This has got the colors but, no.
I don't think so.Copy !req
45. Not vivid enough.Copy !req
46. Nancy had this in the library.Copy !req
47. Yes, indeed.Copy !req
48. I don't think so.Copy !req
49. I thought perhaps the watered silk.
This week it's on sale.Copy !req
50. I hardly think I need worry about that.Copy !req
51. My husband is the leader of the free world.Copy !req
52. What do you think?Copy !req
53. Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room
the way the Roosevelts wanted it.Copy !req
54. Because Eleanor Roosevelt was
too fond of chintz. That's why.Copy !req
55. Mother, this isn't your house.Copy !req
56. if you're going to be a pest, I'll ignore you!Copy !req
57. Mrs. Dale?Copy !req
58. I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69.Copy !req
59. Really?Copy !req
60. You were a nun back then?Copy !req
61. We've always been fight fans,
haven't we sisters?Copy !req
62. Byron Williams, telephone.Copy !req
63. I must go.Copy !req
64. You ladies have a nice time.Copy !req
65. Oh, Louise.Copy !req
66. Sorry to call you at work, but...Copy !req
67. the boys haven't been home
in two nights. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
68. You're doing the best you can.Copy !req
69. They're just at that age.Copy !req
70. The casino manager's giving me
the evil eye. I've gotta go.Copy !req
71. I'll call you later, okay?Copy !req
72. Are you still cool on me
coming to Washington?Copy !req
73. 'Course I am.Copy !req
74. You take care, okay? Bye.Copy !req
75. Must you drink in front of me?Copy !req
76. You're an adult. Just cope.Copy !req
77. It doesn't help me
that all we ever do is sit in bars.Copy !req
78. This is work, baby, okay?Copy !req
79. I'm checking the decor,
the lighting, the traffic flow.Copy !req
80. if I'd known you'd turn into a crook,
I wouldn't have married you.Copy !req
81. I'm not a crook.Copy !req
82. I'm ambitious. There's a difference.Copy !req
83. if you think you can make
a nickel in this town...Copy !req
84. without knowing how to dally
around a few curves, well...Copy !req
85. you know nothing
of the gambling industry.Copy !req
86. The Galaxy's going to be
the best hotel in Vegas.Copy !req
87. The best!Copy !req
88. I promise.Copy !req
89. But don't you realize what you're doing?
You're destroying the Earth!Copy !req
90. All this greed! This money system!Copy !req
91. You're destroying everything!Copy !req
92. Okay, Barbara, okay.Copy !req
93. Keep your voice down.Copy !req
94. I got friends here.Copy !req
95. Sugar!Copy !req
96. Hit me one more time.Copy !req
97. Stop flirting with the waitress.Copy !req
98. God. Here.Copy !req
99. Go over to the roulette...Copy !req
100. play our anniversary...Copy !req
101. and stay off of black.Copy !req
102. Thanks.Copy !req
103. Make it quick,
we go out live in ten minutes.Copy !req
104. What? The actual president?Copy !req
105. Cutting in?Copy !req
106. Budget negotiations may be dead
in the water after this week.Copy !req
107. Hair looks good.Copy !req
108. I like the hair.Copy !req
109. quote, "factually-challenged. "Copy !req
110. Yeah, Stone. Speak.Copy !req
111. Jason, hi, it's me.Copy !req
112. You wearing a bra?Copy !req
113. Listen, this is big. President Dale
is cutting into my show today.Copy !req
114. That's absurd. Why would he stoop
to being on "Today in Fashion"?Copy !req
115. He's interrupting everybody.Copy !req
116. I don't know, it's some sort of
an emergency announcement.Copy !req
117. This doesn't make sense.
He should talk to us.Copy !req
118. White House is coming out live.Copy !req
119. Good evening, my fellow Americans.Copy !req
120. I apologize for interrupting
your regular programs...Copy !req
121. but I have a very important
announcement to make.Copy !req
122. Many important things have happened
to me in my life:Copy !req
123. My graduation from Princeton...Copy !req
124. the day that Marsha said
she would be my wife...Copy !req
125. the birth of our daughter Taffy.Copy !req
126. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
127. And the news that I have heard today
ranks right up there.Copy !req
128. A powerful memory is in the making.Copy !req
129. Not just for me...Copy !req
130. but for all mankind.Copy !req
131. Today...Copy !req
132. an extraordinary discovery
was made by the Hubble telescope.Copy !req
133. The data from the Hubble was decoded...Copy !req
134. then analyzed by the most
powerful computers at MIT.Copy !req
135. The images are undeniable.Copy !req
136. We are entering the dawn of a new era.Copy !req
137. Frame enlargements provide
an astonishing sight.Copy !req
138. A fleet of vehicles,
which can best be described as...Copy !req
139. flying saucers.Copy !req
140. Come on! Come on!
Papa needs a new pair of shoes!Copy !req
141. Hey, am I the only one
shooting craps here?Copy !req
142. We hope we will have the chance
to meet with them.Copy !req
143. This is the perfect summation
to the 20th Century...Copy !req
144. Martians.Copy !req
145. This is great.Copy !req
146. Please, come to Earth. Please.Copy !req
147. We need you.Copy !req
148. I got people coming in!Copy !req
149. Everybody wants to be part of this.Copy !req
150. Galaxy's going to be world class.Copy !req
151. And soon...Copy !req
152. we will become one solar system.Copy !req
153. What the hell's he talking about?Copy !req
154. These flying saucers
have come from Mars...Copy !req
155. and at their current course and speed...Copy !req
156. will enter Earth's orbit in 16 hours.Copy !req
157. I've been thinking about Martians
when there weren't any.Copy !req
158. It is profoundly moving to know
there is intelligent life out there.Copy !req
159. Glad it's somewhere.Copy !req
160. Our world
will never feel quite the same again.Copy !req
161. Good night...Copy !req
162. and God bless you all.Copy !req
163. This...Copy !req
164. is intense.Copy !req
165. Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.Copy !req
166. Shut up!Copy !req
167. Jason Stone.Copy !req
168. It's for you.Copy !req
169. Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.Copy !req
170. That's right. Good girl.Copy !req
171. I could be there at...Copy !req
172. I don't know, 11:00.Copy !req
173. They want me to interview
the professor from the White House.Copy !req
174. Kessler?Copy !req
175. Donald Kessler?Copy !req
176. Yeah, I think that was his name.Copy !req
177. You know, the science guy.Copy !req
178. This is nuts, this is...Copy !req
179. We should have got that guy.Copy !req
180. Your people are too slow.Copy !req
181. Right, Poppy?Copy !req
182. Finished!Copy !req
183. One minute, 57 seconds.Copy !req
184. - Didn't I tell you under two minutes?
- You did!Copy !req
185. You did!Copy !req
186. Hot damn.Copy !req
187. Want a doughnut?Copy !req
188. How old are they?Copy !req
189. Fresh baked, Monday.Copy !req
190. Richie, that's six days ago!Copy !req
191. Give me a couple.Copy !req
192. This Martian thing is pretty awesome.Copy !req
193. Did one of you traitors see my Muffy?Copy !req
194. Your brother's volunteering.Copy !req
195. As soon as I get back to the base.Copy !req
196. Volunteer for what?Copy !req
197. Martian detail.Copy !req
198. Cool.Copy !req
199. if any Martians come around here,
I'll kick their butts!Copy !req
200. Jump!Copy !req
201. Folks,
we must make an unscheduled stop!Copy !req
202. It's Mama.Copy !req
203. Why are you here?
if you ain't home, why ain't you in class?Copy !req
204. Class was cancelled.Copy !req
205. It was not!Copy !req
206. - Come here!
- Why?Copy !req
207. I'm not going to hurt you.Copy !req
208. Let go of him.Copy !req
209. Okay. Now just come here.Copy !req
210. Come here.Copy !req
211. Think it's smart to cut school?Copy !req
212. - What are you doing?
- Do you?Copy !req
213. No, it's dumb.Copy !req
214. You'll flunk! Go to jail!Copy !req
215. Get on the bus!Copy !req
216. Get on!Copy !req
217. I'll be tripping on you. Get back there.Copy !req
218. I don't want to hear anymore.Copy !req
219. I hate school.Copy !req
220. I heard that!Copy !req
221. Hi, there.Copy !req
222. Want a date?Copy !req
223. How about it?Copy !req
224. A date?Copy !req
225. It sounds good.Copy !req
226. The stress at work is...Copy !req
227. unbelievable.Copy !req
228. May I speak to you in private?Copy !req
229. No, I must watch the floor.
What do you want?Copy !req
230. - I'm supporting a family back east.
- I thought you were divorced.Copy !req
231. I am, but I still have to take care of them.Copy !req
232. Things have been a little lean around here.Copy !req
233. I was wondering if I could get a raise?Copy !req
234. Out of the question.Copy !req
235. I'm an asset to this hotel.
They like me around here.Copy !req
236. You're a nice guy.Copy !req
237. But I can get Leon Spinks
or Buster Douglas for the same money.Copy !req
238. You better get moving.
You're on in five minutes.Copy !req
239. This show's going to get a great rating.Copy !req
240. It's all yours.Copy !req
241. In certain circumstances the proposition
that two and two equals five...Copy !req
242. is entirely legitimate.Copy !req
243. Call me Nathalie.Copy !req
244. And you, do please call me Donald.Copy !req
245. I admire your show.Copy !req
246. Really? You like my work?Copy !req
247. Yes. Very much.Copy !req
248. Why...Copy !req
249. Thank you.Copy !req
250. Coming out of commercial.Copy !req
251. In five... four...Copy !req
252. three... two...Copy !req
253. Welcome back.
We're with Professor Donald Kessler.Copy !req
254. He's the chairman
of the American Academy...Copy !req
255. of Astronautics.Copy !req
256. Professor...Copy !req
257. isn't it weird that we sent
a space probe to Mars...Copy !req
258. and we didn't even find anyone?Copy !req
259. Well, not really...Copy !req
260. Nathalie.Copy !req
261. We didn't get into the canals.Copy !req
262. The Martian canals are canyons.Copy !req
263. Some are over 100 miles deep.Copy !req
264. The Martian civilization has clearly
developed under the planet's surface.Copy !req
265. Their science and technology
must be absolutely mind-boggling.Copy !req
266. So...Copy !req
267. what in your view, Donald...Copy !req
268. Kessler...Copy !req
269. Chairman, are some of the things
the Martians can teach us, Professor?Copy !req
270. Quite a lot about Mars, Nathalie.Copy !req
271. She's flirting.Copy !req
272. But seriously,
this is tremendously exciting.Copy !req
273. The knowledge, the new ideas:
it'll change everything.Copy !req
274. And we must be open to it.Copy !req
275. Maybe they can tell us about our universe.Copy !req
276. How it started.Copy !req
277. Where it's going.Copy !req
278. Perhaps even its purpose.Copy !req
279. It's tremendously exciting.Copy !req
280. It's the most important event since...Copy !req
281. Jesus walked in Galilee—Copy !req
282. Christ.Copy !req
283. What's wrong?Copy !req
284. Go to Camera Two!Copy !req
285. I can't. It's busted.Copy !req
286. Go to One! Go to Four!Copy !req
287. He copped a feel.Copy !req
288. Now what?Copy !req
289. What's that?Copy !req
290. So that's a Martian.Copy !req
291. That's a Martian?Copy !req
292. Oh, my God!Copy !req
293. Yikes!Copy !req
294. I'm not having that thing in my house.Copy !req
295. Sweetie...Copy !req
296. we may have to.
The people expect me to meet them.Copy !req
297. They're not eating off the Van Buren china.Copy !req
298. Look at that brain.Copy !req
299. He must be real smart.Copy !req
300. It's gross!Copy !req
301. Don't forget, Nathalie...Copy !req
302. that we will look equally gross to him.Copy !req
303. He made the international sign
of the doughnut.Copy !req
304. From the limited information available,
I've made three extrapolations.Copy !req
305. Our Martian friend
is a carbon-based life form.Copy !req
306. He breathes nitrogen.Copy !req
307. And three:Copy !req
308. The large cerebrum here, indicates...Copy !req
309. telepathic potential.Copy !req
310. You mean they can...Copy !req
311. read our thoughts?Copy !req
312. Potentially, yes.Copy !req
313. What about their intentions?Copy !req
314. Are they friendly people?Copy !req
315. Logic dictates that given
their high level of technical development...Copy !req
316. they're an advanced culture.Copy !req
317. Therefore, peaceful and enlightened.Copy !req
318. The human race, on the other hand...Copy !req
319. is an aggressively dangerous species.Copy !req
320. Now I suspect they have
more to fear from us...Copy !req
321. than we from them.Copy !req
322. Doctor.Copy !req
323. Thank you.Copy !req
324. For many years,
I've been refining a translating computer.Copy !req
325. The results are not perfect, but this...Copy !req
326. may answer some of your questions.Copy !req
327. Green skin...Copy !req
328. 800 centuries ago.Copy !req
329. Their bodily fluids...Copy !req
330. include the birth of half-breeds.Copy !req
331. How many centuries did he say?Copy !req
332. Eight hundred, sir.Copy !req
333. Self-determination of the cosmos.Copy !req
334. For dark is the suede that...Copy !req
335. mows...Copy !req
336. like a harvest.Copy !req
337. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
338. Hey, Mitch.Copy !req
339. Good morning.Copy !req
340. I'm sorry, you can't come this way.
There's a tour in progress.Copy !req
341. Hello, my name is Barbara.Copy !req
342. Hello, Barbara.Copy !req
343. I am an alcoholic,
but I haven't had a drink in three months.Copy !req
344. I'm feeling so optimistic
because of the Martians.Copy !req
345. We're not alone in the universe.Copy !req
346. And it's so perfect...Copy !req
347. that it's happening at the beginning
of the new millennium.Copy !req
348. Our planet was suffering...Copy !req
349. with the ozone and the rain forest and...Copy !req
350. so many people unhappy in their lives.Copy !req
351. And then...Copy !req
352. the Martians heard
our global karmic cry for help.Copy !req
353. People say they're ugly...Copy !req
354. but I think they've come
to show us the way.Copy !req
355. I think they've come to save us.Copy !req
356. Thank you.Copy !req
357. Bye-bye.Copy !req
358. You be careful. Don't get yourself killed.Copy !req
359. Ain't she cute?Copy !req
360. - We're real proud of you.
- Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
361. Let me take this.Copy !req
362. So long, retard. Don't touch
any of my stuff while I'm gone.Copy !req
363. Bye-bye, Grandma.Copy !req
364. Good-bye, Thomas.Copy !req
365. It's Billy-Glenn, Grandma.Copy !req
366. I know, Thomas.Copy !req
367. Bye-bye, honey.Copy !req
368. I must go.Copy !req
369. Take care of my boy.Copy !req
370. He'll be all right.Copy !req
371. I hope so.Copy !req
372. Army trains them good.Copy !req
373. He's gone for a while.Copy !req
374. Why can't you be more like your brother?Copy !req
375. We got lucky with Billy-Glenn.
You can't expect the same luck twice.Copy !req
376. Richie, want to make yourself useful
for a change?Copy !req
377. Sure, Dad.Copy !req
378. Take Grandma back to the home.Copy !req
379. I bet you never thought you'd live
to see the Martians come.Copy !req
380. It's pretty far out.Copy !req
381. But think of all the crazy things
you must have seen.Copy !req
382. I bet people were pretty scared
when they invented the train.Copy !req
383. Come on, kid, I'm not that old!Copy !req
384. Are you okay?Copy !req
385. I want to see Slim.Copy !req
386. I want to see...Copy !req
387. Slim...Copy !req
388. and Muffy...Copy !req
389. and Richie.Copy !req
390. Grandma, I'm Richie.Copy !req
391. I know, Thomas.Copy !req
392. Richie was always the best one.Copy !req
393. Right now the president
is talking to other world leaders.Copy !req
394. They're preparing a list of issues
of common interest to discuss.Copy !req
395. There is a unilateral, concerted,
diplomatic effort being made.Copy !req
396. Jason.Copy !req
397. Thanks.Copy !req
398. if the Martians land,
can the press do interviews?Copy !req
399. Well, that depends.Copy !req
400. We must establish contact...Copy !req
401. work out communication problems...Copy !req
402. establish parameters.Copy !req
403. Then I guess we just see what happens.Copy !req
404. Here's the president.Copy !req
405. Good morning.Copy !req
406. It's nice to see you all again.Copy !req
407. I just have a few minutes for questions,
so let's get started.Copy !req
408. Mr. President!Copy !req
409. Do the Martians have two sexes,
like we do?Copy !req
410. From Hollywood...Copy !req
411. we bring you the "Lawrence Welk Show"!Copy !req
412. Here he is, Mr. Music Maker himself,
Lawrence Welk.Copy !req
413. This pussycat
is the most beautiful pussycat...Copy !req
414. in the whole world.Copy !req
415. That's my Muffy.Copy !req
416. Didn't you ever have
a pussycat of your own?Copy !req
417. Sure, Grandma.Copy !req
418. Music!Copy !req
419. There you go.Copy !req
420. You going to be okay?Copy !req
421. if you need anything,
any doughnuts or anything, call me.Copy !req
422. How do?Copy !req
423. Looks like you ain't got no wheels.
Come on...Copy !req
424. get in.Copy !req
425. I'm going to do you a favor.Copy !req
426. I owe you one.Copy !req
427. I made a ton of money
on your last fight in '73.Copy !req
428. The Quaker in Jamaica.Copy !req
429. I'm glad somebody did.Copy !req
430. Yeah, I know, I know.Copy !req
431. It's rough on jocks.Copy !req
432. You get to a certain age...Copy !req
433. opportunities dry up.Copy !req
434. So here's the deal.Copy !req
435. I got this chum, owes me a lot of money,
needs a wake-up call.Copy !req
436. What I'd like you to do is...Copy !req
437. use that patented left hook on him.Copy !req
438. Just in the ring, Art. Just in the ring.Copy !req
439. Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip, but...Copy !req
440. I'll give you two grand.Copy !req
441. When you're done...Copy !req
442. all you must do is mosey on
by the office and get the cash.Copy !req
443. Why do you want to come at me that way?Copy !req
444. I'm trying to get back with my wife.Copy !req
445. We had problems with this kind of shit.Copy !req
446. But I've changed, man.Copy !req
447. I found Allah...Copy !req
448. I don't eat pork, I'm a better man.Copy !req
449. I faced that demon
and I don't want him coming again.Copy !req
450. You gave up pork!Copy !req
451. They're sending coordinates.Copy !req
452. Where are they landing?Copy !req
453. Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.Copy !req
454. I can have my troops there at 0800 hours,
sir.Copy !req
455. We must not send these people
the wrong message.Copy !req
456. We need a welcome mat, not tanks!Copy !req
457. What are you talking about? You can't
have Martians running all over Nevada!Copy !req
458. You're right.Copy !req
459. - Thank you, sir.
- This situation needs to be supervised.Copy !req
460. Absolutely, sir.Copy !req
461. General Casey...Copy !req
462. can you handle it?Copy !req
463. I'd be proud.Copy !req
464. Good, but keep a lid on it.Copy !req
465. Key media, good cross-section of guests.Copy !req
466. We don't want it to turn
into a zoo out there.Copy !req
467. They don't know what
they're talking about!Copy !req
468. Liberals, intellectuals...Copy !req
469. peacemongers, idiots!Copy !req
470. Would you please keep it down?Copy !req
471. People live here!Copy !req
472. General Casey.Copy !req
473. Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.Copy !req
474. Isn't that great?Copy !req
475. Oh, it's a hell of an honor.Copy !req
476. Didn't I always tell you if I stayed
in place and never spoke up...Copy !req
477. good things were bound to happen?Copy !req
478. I want the Martians to be treated
like foreign dignitaries.Copy !req
479. I want your men alert and majestic...Copy !req
480. with a snap in their step.Copy !req
481. This must look good.
The world is watching.Copy !req
482. Yes, sir.Copy !req
483. Are you positive this thing will work?Copy !req
484. Positively positive.Copy !req
485. We don't want any slip-ups.Copy !req
486. No, no, no, no. Not at all.Copy !req
487. Poppy. All these people.Copy !req
488. All of them here to see you.Copy !req
489. There's Jason, Poppy!Copy !req
490. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
491. The teeming masses have gathered
from who knows how many states...Copy !req
492. waiting and watching.Copy !req
493. Why have they come?Copy !req
494. Curiosity? Or is it something more?Copy !req
495. Or simply to say, 'I was there'?Copy !req
496. 'I was there...Copy !req
497. '... when first man...Copy !req
498. '... met Martian.'Copy !req
499. Jason Stone...Copy !req
500. GNN...Copy !req
501. Pahrump.Copy !req
502. Some room.Copy !req
503. Give them room.Copy !req
504. It is an awesome sight.Copy !req
505. The giant spacecraft glinting...Copy !req
506. in the Nevada sun like a...Copy !req
507. giant...Copy !req
508. hubcap.Copy !req
509. Something's happening.Copy !req
510. The doorway...Copy !req
511. is opening.Copy !req
512. A silver ramp...Copy !req
513. is coming out...Copy !req
514. like a giant tongue.Copy !req
515. Gee whiz.Copy !req
516. Martians!Copy !req
517. Funny little critters.Copy !req
518. Well?Copy !req
519. Wait.Copy !req
520. Greetings.Copy !req
521. I am the Martian ambassador.Copy !req
522. Everything is fixed now. You may speak.Copy !req
523. Greetings.Copy !req
524. I am General Casey...Copy !req
525. Commanding Officer of the Armed
Forces of the United States of America.Copy !req
526. On behalf of the people of Earth:Copy !req
527. Welcome.Copy !req
528. He did that well.Copy !req
529. We come in peace.Copy !req
530. We come in peace. We come in peace.Copy !req
531. They came in peace.Copy !req
532. We come in peace.Copy !req
533. Open fire!Copy !req
534. What?Copy !req
535. Die, you alien shithead!Copy !req
536. I surrender!Copy !req
537. No, it ain't happening! It didn't happen!Copy !req
538. Holy Mother of God!Copy !req
539. Did you see that?Copy !req
540. We should hit these assholes
with everything we've got, sir.Copy !req
541. Sir, Mr. President,
I know this seems terrible...Copy !req
542. but let's not be too rash.Copy !req
543. We should nuke them!Copy !req
544. We must establish
a line of communication first.Copy !req
545. Set up a town hall.Copy !req
546. We'll get the public's opinion.Copy !req
547. What do you think?Copy !req
548. Kick the crap out of them.Copy !req
549. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
550. it may be a cultural misunderstanding.Copy !req
551. Maybe to them, doves mean war.Copy !req
552. We all saw how they reacted to that dove.Copy !req
553. It frightened them.Copy !req
554. He did say that...Copy !req
555. "We come in peace."Copy !req
556. The new computer's ready.Copy !req
557. Okay, let's do it.Copy !req
558. I know we're making the right decision.Copy !req
559. Ready to transmit.Copy !req
560. This is the president of the United States.Copy !req
561. I'm speaking in the hope...Copy !req
562. that what happened earlier today
in the Nevada desert...Copy !req
563. was a cultural misunderstanding.Copy !req
564. There can be no doubt
that we two peoples...Copy !req
565. have a great deal to offer one another.Copy !req
566. You must be as excited as we...Copy !req
567. to find intelligent life in the solar system.Copy !req
568. Let me make it clear.Copy !req
569. You have nothing...Copy !req
570. to fear from us.Copy !req
571. Our customs may be strange to you...Copy !req
572. but we mean no harm.Copy !req
573. When the investors fly in...Copy !req
574. I would like for them each to be...Copy !req
575. met by a limo.Copy !req
576. Top of the line cars...Copy !req
577. leather interiors...Copy !req
578. Corinthian, if they got it.Copy !req
579. Are you still spinning your wheels
on that cockamamie hotel?Copy !req
580. Hello!Copy !req
581. The Martians have attacked!Copy !req
582. This was no misunderstanding.
I was there. I saw it.Copy !req
583. Look, you're worried about yesterday.Copy !req
584. I'm worried about tomorrow.Copy !req
585. The Martians land on Earth,
they'll need a place to stay.Copy !req
586. Just like everyone else.Copy !req
587. My God.Copy !req
588. Maybe we should all be destroyed.Copy !req
589. The human race doesn't deserve to live.Copy !req
590. Ethel...Copy !req
591. that reminds me.Copy !req
592. I'd like the limos to be stocked...Copy !req
593. with every kind of alcohol
known to man.Copy !req
594. And top it off with a bottle of Dom...Copy !req
595. on ice.Copy !req
596. What confounds me most of all
is the lack of genitalia.Copy !req
597. Down here is the aorta.Copy !req
598. Up here we have the sphinx.Copy !req
599. Notice the highly developed
nerve system here.Copy !req
600. This explains, of course,
the cerebral arteries.Copy !req
601. And if we notice down here,
behind the optic chiasm...Copy !req
602. several glands...Copy !req
603. Very curious.Copy !req
604. "He who believes in me,
though he die, yet shall he live.Copy !req
605. "And whoever lives and believes in me
shall never die."Copy !req
606. Billy-Glenn Norris gave his life
defending our country.Copy !req
607. Why did it have to be him?Copy !req
608. He's a true American hero.
May God rest his soul.Copy !req
609. Ready! Aim.Copy !req
610. Fire!Copy !req
611. Aim!Copy !req
612. Fire!Copy !req
613. Hello?Copy !req
614. Byron! Is everything all right?
You still coming tomorrow?Copy !req
615. Just try and stop me.
That plane arrives at 4:00 p.m.Copy !req
616. Are the kids there?Copy !req
617. Yeah, hold on.Copy !req
618. - Me first.
- No, me.Copy !req
619. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
620. Who's that? Neville?Copy !req
621. How are you?Copy !req
622. We're going to the White House.Copy !req
623. The White House?Copy !req
624. Yeah, tomorrow.Copy !req
625. - Give it back!
- Leave me alone.Copy !req
626. It's a school thing, like a tour.Copy !req
627. So you're still going to school
once in a while?Copy !req
628. Give me your ma again.Copy !req
629. Hold on.Copy !req
630. Mom.Copy !req
631. - You always get to the phone first.
- So what?Copy !req
632. I'm first to the game.Copy !req
633. Why are you wasting this phone time?
I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
634. But there's something
I want to say to you.Copy !req
635. Just 'cause I feel like saying it.Copy !req
636. What's that?Copy !req
637. I love you.Copy !req
638. I love you too, Byron.Copy !req
639. Now stop wasting money!
I'll see you tomorrow!Copy !req
640. They're responding.Copy !req
641. A message from the Martians.Copy !req
642. Really?Copy !req
643. They've issued a formal apology.Copy !req
644. This is great!Copy !req
645. I told you this would happen.Copy !req
646. The Martian ambassador feels terrible
and wants to speak to Congress.Copy !req
647. That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
648. You bet.Copy !req
649. It's a victory for our administration.Copy !req
650. Ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
651. This is a proud day for all Americans.Copy !req
652. This is a hell of a photo-op, Jerry.Copy !req
653. Are you sure I shouldn't be there?Copy !req
654. The Secret Service don't want
the executive branch...Copy !req
655. and the legislative branch
in the same room.Copy !req
656. The Martian ambassador
is going to say a few words.Copy !req
657. Come on down, Mr. Ambassador!Copy !req
658. Mr. Ambassador, please!Copy !req
659. Please!Copy !req
660. This doesn't make sense!Copy !req
661. It's not logical! It's not—Copy !req
662. Guess it wasn't the dove.Copy !req
663. Fire!Copy !req
664. They blew up Congress!Copy !req
665. Why'd they do that?Copy !req
666. Maybe they don't like the human being.Copy !req
667. Hello, gentlemen.Copy !req
668. Nice of you to come on...Copy !req
669. such short notice.Copy !req
670. General Decker...Copy !req
671. it seems I owe you an apology.Copy !req
672. We all make mistakes, Mr. President.Copy !req
673. Not anymore.Copy !req
674. We're going to take charge of this thing!Copy !req
675. Excellent. I have prepared the order.Copy !req
676. What's this?Copy !req
677. Your executive order for full use
of our nuclear deterrent.Copy !req
678. Are you crazy? I'm not starting a war!Copy !req
679. We're already at war, sir! We have
to nuke them! We must nuke them now!Copy !req
680. General Decker, if you do not shut up...Copy !req
681. I'll relieve you of your command.Copy !req
682. We must strike now, sir!Copy !req
683. Annihilate! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
684. Shut up!Copy !req
685. Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
686. Now...Copy !req
687. I want the people to know...Copy !req
688. that they still have two out of three
branches of government...Copy !req
689. working for them, and that ain't bad.Copy !req
690. I want the people to know
that the schools will still be open, okay?Copy !req
691. And I want the people to know...Copy !req
692. that the garbage will still be carried out.Copy !req
693. And I want a cop...Copy !req
694. on every corner.Copy !req
695. Which, incidentally...Copy !req
696. we would already have...Copy !req
697. if they had listened to me
in the last election.Copy !req
698. Jerry...Copy !req
699. how soon can we go on the air?Copy !req
700. My fellow Americans.Copy !req
701. It is with a heavy heart...Copy !req
702. that I speak to you this afternoon.Copy !req
703. As you know...Copy !req
704. earlier today the Martian ambassador
and his confederates...Copy !req
705. attacked and killed...Copy !req
706. many of your representatives
on Capitol Hill.Copy !req
707. I will be conferring
with other world leaders as time goes on.Copy !req
708. And rest assured that, working together...Copy !req
709. we will soon come out...Copy !req
710. at a very real outcome.Copy !req
711. Thank you.Copy !req
712. Nathalie, is that you?Copy !req
713. Yes.Copy !req
714. How're you?Copy !req
715. Not terribly good, I'm afraid.Copy !req
716. May I ask you a question?Copy !req
717. Of course you can.Copy !req
718. Were you flirting with me on the show?Copy !req
719. Because...Copy !req
720. if you were...Copy !req
721. I just want you to know...Copy !req
722. that I liked it.Copy !req
723. You did?Copy !req
724. Really?Copy !req
725. Because, you know,
I've watched you on TV quite a bit and...Copy !req
726. well, I've...Copy !req
727. had something of
a schoolboycrush on you for...Copy !req
728. oh, gosh...Copy !req
729. ages.Copy !req
730. Hi, there.Copy !req
731. Are you interested in the White House?Copy !req
732. I work there. I'm the press secretary.Copy !req
733. Jerry Ross.Copy !req
734. Have you ever heard of me?Copy !req
735. You wouldn't believe
the pressure of my job.Copy !req
736. It's nice to see a new face.Copy !req
737. Are you doing anything?Copy !req
738. 'Cause if you want, I...Copy !req
739. could give you a personalized tour.Copy !req
740. Would you like that?Copy !req
741. Hey, Mitch, it's me. Can you let me in?Copy !req
742. Hello, Mr. Ross. Sure.Copy !req
743. We're a little nervous here,
after what happened.Copy !req
744. Exactly.Copy !req
745. Many great men and women
have passed through here.Copy !req
746. Now we're passing through here.Copy !req
747. Feels good, don't it?Copy !req
748. You're very graceful.Copy !req
749. I like that.Copy !req
750. Come here.Copy !req
751. We call this the Kennedy Room.Copy !req
752. Pretty nifty, huh?Copy !req
753. So...Copy !req
754. how about a drink?Copy !req
755. Getting more comfortable.Copy !req
756. Outstanding.Copy !req
757. How's my lady doing?Copy !req
758. Oh, missy, you're hot.Copy !req
759. Could we get that gum out of your mouth?Copy !req
760. My finger!Copy !req
761. Hello! Hello, operator?
This is an emergency!Copy !req
762. Help!Copy !req
763. Don't shoot!Copy !req
764. Don't worry, darling.Copy !req
765. Get down!Copy !req
766. Thank you, Mitch.Copy !req
767. It's my job.Copy !req
768. What's happening?Copy !req
769. They appear to be
in a highly agitated state.Copy !req
770. And I, I don't know.Copy !req
771. I honestly don't know.Copy !req
772. I don't know what's going on anymore.
This is frustrating.Copy !req
773. I'm not feeling myself.Copy !req
774. if only I could hold you in my arms!Copy !req
775. Oh, Donald!Copy !req
776. I'm scared!Copy !req
777. Excuse me.Copy !req
778. You said you wanted to know
as soon as possible.Copy !req
779. What is it?Copy !req
780. It's NO2.Copy !req
781. Highly concentrated.Copy !req
782. Nitrogen.Copy !req
783. So...Copy !req
784. that's how it could breathe
in our atmosphere.Copy !req
785. What's that noise?Copy !req
786. But, Theodore,
I simply do not feel that Lincoln...Copy !req
787. It's a full-scale invasion.Copy !req
788. We must get you to safety.Copy !req
789. Not this way?Copy !req
790. I'm sorry, there's a tour going through.Copy !req
791. The Blue Room is often considered
the most beautiful in the White House.Copy !req
792. It is often used by the president
to receive guests.Copy !req
793. It is furnished to represent
the period of James Monroe.Copy !req
794. What's that?Copy !req
795. That...Copy !req
796. is a portrait of James Monroe.Copy !req
797. We lost Taffy!Copy !req
798. Keep moving,
we must get you to the back stairs!Copy !req
799. The Nancy Reagan chandelier!Copy !req
800. What are you gawking at?
Get that president out of here!Copy !req
801. I personally guarantee...Copy !req
802. that you will get a complete return
on your investment...Copy !req
803. within five months.Copy !req
804. Mr. Land, excuse me.Copy !req
805. Just a second, Sheik Rakula.Copy !req
806. Now...Copy !req
807. even in a time of so-called
intergalactic emergency...Copy !req
808. the people...Copy !req
809. still want to roll them bones!Copy !req
810. I believe—Copy !req
811. Just five more minutes.Copy !req
812. What I'd like for you to do is to...Copy !req
813. view our new,
state-of-the-art show room.Copy !req
814. It is out-of-sight!Copy !req
815. Gentlemen.Copy !req
816. There is no way...Copy !req
817. that we can lose.Copy !req
818. "It's not unusual to be loved by anyoneCopy !req
819. "It's not unusual to have fun with anyoneCopy !req
820. "But when I see you hanging
about with anyoneCopy !req
821. "It's not unusual to see me cryCopy !req
822. "I want to die"Copy !req
823. I've called you all day.Copy !req
824. The flight's been canceled.Copy !req
825. Byron, there's Martians everywhere!Copy !req
826. Hello?Copy !req
827. I can't hear you!Copy !req
828. I must get to Washington.Copy !req
829. Do you know anyone who can fly a plane?Copy !req
830. Your husband, Art.Copy !req
831. He's dead.Copy !req
832. I told him this would happen.Copy !req
833. I loaded the plane with supplies.Copy !req
834. I want to go to the Tahoe caves.
It's remote, the Martians won't find it.Copy !req
835. Where's the plane?Copy !req
836. Private airfield. Other side of the freeway.Copy !req
837. Will it fly to Washington?Copy !req
838. I want to go to Tahoe.Copy !req
839. "You find it happensCopy !req
840. "All the timeCopy !req
841. "Love will never doCopy !req
842. "What you want it toCopy !req
843. "Why can't this crazy loveCopy !req
844. "Be mine"Copy !req
845. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
846. Girls, get out!Copy !req
847. There's a Martian right behind me!Copy !req
848. You're Tom Jones! "It Ain't Unusual."Copy !req
849. Autograph?Copy !req
850. Anybody got a pen?Copy !req
851. Great punch.Copy !req
852. You'll need that gun.Copy !req
853. - I'm Tom Jones.
- Byron Williams.Copy !req
854. I saw you fight in Cardiff, Wales.Copy !req
855. You okay?Copy !req
856. - I need a drink.
- You and me both.Copy !req
857. - We better go.
- Can you fly a plane?Copy !req
858. Sure. Got one?Copy !req
859. She has.Copy !req
860. Don't run, we are your friends.Copy !req
861. Martians blew up the shop!Copy !req
862. You're kidding.Copy !req
863. Should I get Grandma?Copy !req
864. Forget her! She's halfway
to outer space already! Here!Copy !req
865. I'll tell you one thing.
They ain't getting the TV!Copy !req
866. The president of France is on line two.Copy !req
867. Mr. President, the president of France
is on line two.Copy !req
868. He says it's important.Copy !req
869. Hello, Maurice.Copy !req
870. I have good news.Copy !req
871. The Martian ambassador is here.Copy !req
872. We've negotiated a settlement.Copy !req
873. Maurice get out of the room.Copy !req
874. Get out, now!Copy !req
875. Mr. President.Copy !req
876. Mr. President.Copy !req
877. I need you to sign this!Copy !req
878. What is it?Copy !req
879. My last will and testament?Copy !req
880. It is an order to deploy
our nuclear capability, sir.Copy !req
881. What the hell was that?Copy !req
882. Look!Copy !req
883. What was that?Copy !req
884. Where you going?Copy !req
885. To get Grandma.Copy !req
886. Stay and defend this trailer!Copy !req
887. That's what Billy-Glenn would do.Copy !req
888. You're disgracing a hero!Copy !req
889. I don't care. I'm gonna go get grandma.Copy !req
890. Come back here!Copy !req
891. What in the hell is that?Copy !req
892. Cut it out!Copy !req
893. Stop it!Copy !req
894. - This way!
- No, this way!Copy !req
895. It's a short cut! The airfield's—Copy !req
896. Bullshit! The airfield's over there!Copy !req
897. Being dressed like King Tut
doesn't make you our leader!Copy !req
898. Look, this is wrong!Copy !req
899. We're lost! He led us down a maze!
I'm going back to the hotel.Copy !req
900. - This way!
- Wait!Copy !req
901. Where are you going?Copy !req
902. Come on.Copy !req
903. But, I like him.Copy !req
904. Assholes! Why'd I listen to them?
I should have stayed in the hotel.Copy !req
905. Shit!Copy !req
906. I surrender, okay?Copy !req
907. You understand what that means?Copy !req
908. Look! You're intelligent beings.Copy !req
909. Let's cut a deal. I can help.Copy !req
910. I'm a lawyer!Copy !req
911. You want to conquer the world,
you'll need lawyers, right?Copy !req
912. Here.Copy !req
913. You want my watch?Copy !req
914. Take it. Take it. It's a Rolex!Copy !req
915. Nice shot!Copy !req
916. Pity I was too late.Copy !req
917. Can I have the gun back?Copy !req
918. Give me the gun and come on!Copy !req
919. Grandma!Copy !req
920. Oh, my God!Copy !req
921. I think these guys are very sick.Copy !req
922. What's happening to them?
What's killing them?Copy !req
923. I think it must be my music.Copy !req
924. Quiet!Copy !req
925. You think you can do anything you want.Copy !req
926. You can't.Copy !req
927. Because...Copy !req
928. we are human...Copy !req
929. beings.Copy !req
930. And we have the United States Army...Copy !req
931. that'll fight you...Copy !req
932. to the last man!
And we'll never surrender!Copy !req
933. Do you hear me?Copy !req
934. We'll fight you on the beaches.
We'll fight you in the streets.Copy !req
935. We will never, never surrender!Copy !req
936. We will win!Copy !req
937. Democracy will survive!Copy !req
938. We will never, ever...Copy !req
939. surrender!Copy !req
940. We will win!Copy !req
941. The eagle will be triumphant!Copy !req
942. Why...Copy !req
943. are you doing this?Copy !req
944. Why?Copy !req
945. isn't the universe big enough...Copy !req
946. for both of us?Copy !req
947. What is wrong with you people?Copy !req
948. We could work together.Copy !req
949. Why be enemies?Copy !req
950. Because we're different?Copy !req
951. Is that why?Copy !req
952. Think of the things that we could do.Copy !req
953. Think how strong we would be!Copy !req
954. Earth...Copy !req
955. and Mars...Copy !req
956. together.Copy !req
957. There is nothing
that we could not accomplish.Copy !req
958. Think about it!Copy !req
959. Think about it!Copy !req
960. Why destroy...Copy !req
961. when you can create?Copy !req
962. We can have it all...Copy !req
963. or we can smash it all!Copy !req
964. Why can't we...Copy !req
965. work out our differences?Copy !req
966. Why can't we...Copy !req
967. work things out?Copy !req
968. Little people...Copy !req
969. why can't we all just...Copy !req
970. get along?Copy !req
971. What's this?Copy !req
972. Don't run. We are your friends.Copy !req
973. Don't run. We are your friends.Copy !req
974. Next stop, radio station.Copy !req
975. There it is!Copy !req
976. Let's move it!Copy !req
977. There it is.Copy !req
978. Go start it. Go with him.Copy !req
979. Cindy, come with me.Copy !req
980. Are you sure you can fly this?Copy !req
981. I think so, yeah.Copy !req
982. Who put that on?Copy !req
983. - It's stuck!
- Cindy, over here.Copy !req
984. Shit!Copy !req
985. They haven't seen us yet. Come here.Copy !req
986. Get in the plane.Copy !req
987. I'll distract them.Copy !req
988. The first chance you get, go.Copy !req
989. - I'm not leaving you!
- Just do it!Copy !req
990. I'll draw them away! Go!Copy !req
991. No!Copy !req
992. I said go!Copy !req
993. Oh, my God!Copy !req
994. What's he doing?Copy !req
995. He's flipped!Copy !req
996. He's going to throw them off
so we can escape.Copy !req
997. We can't leave him!Copy !req
998. No weapon!Copy !req
999. No clown outfit!Copy !req
1000. Just me!Copy !req
1001. Byron Williams...Copy !req
1002. heavyweight champion...Copy !req
1003. of the world!Copy !req
1004. Something's happened.Copy !req
1005. Something's happened to Byron.Copy !req
1006. "When I'm calling youCopy !req
1007. "That means I offer my love to you"Copy !req
1008. Good-bye, my darling.Copy !req
1009. I wish things were different.Copy !req
1010. So do I.Copy !req
1011. Good-bye.Copy !req
1012. I love you.Copy !req
1013. I love you too, Nathalie.Copy !req
1014. Florence Norris...Copy !req
1015. I present to you
the Congressional Medal of Honor...Copy !req
1016. the nation's highest decoration.Copy !req
1017. Thank you,
but don't you dare let this happen again!Copy !req
1018. Richard Norris...Copy !req
1019. on behalf of my parents,
who couldn't be here today...Copy !req
1020. for saving the world from the Martians...Copy !req
1021. I present to you the Medal of Honor.Copy !req
1022. Don't kiss me if you don't want.Copy !req
1023. I have to.Copy !req
1024. I prepared a speech. Is that okay?Copy !req
1025. Sure, that's very appropriate.Copy !req
1026. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
1027. I want to say—Copy !req
1028. Can you speak up? We can't hear you.Copy !req
1029. I want to say that there's
a lot of people in the world...Copy !req
1030. that have done a lot more
than I have, and...Copy !req
1031. they should be here now...Copy !req
1032. getting a medal.Copy !req
1033. And I want to thank my grandma...Copy !req
1034. for always being good to me...Copy !req
1035. and for helping save the world
and everything.Copy !req
1036. So, I guess, like, now we just have to...Copy !req
1037. start over and start rebuilding
everything, like our houses.Copy !req
1038. But I was thinking, maybe instead
of houses we could live in tepees.Copy !req
1039. Because it's better in many ways.Copy !req
1040. That's all I have to say. Thanks.Copy !req
1041. Was that okay?Copy !req
1042. Yeah.Copy !req
1043. Do you got a girlfriend?Copy !req
1044. No.Copy !req
1045. Give me a break.
Go on in there and clean your room.Copy !req
1046. I can't do this all by myself. Look at you.Copy !req