1. We just got hit by a
shitload of asteroids, sir!
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2. Ah, rear thrusters are out!
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3. Turn the force field up to 1000%!
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4. This is gonna be close!
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5. I just shit my space pants!
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6. Put the wheels down!
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7. We're about to land on Mars...!
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8. - I can't breathe! There's no air!
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9. We were fools to come here!
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10. Fools!
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11. Remember your training, men!
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12. What's happening to me?
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13. My eyes...!
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14. Gerald! No!
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15. He just got married! Agh...!
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16. Now it's happening to me!
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17. Our suits are malfunctioning!
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18. Fight it!
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19. Fight it, Carl!
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20. No...!
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21. His wife just had a baby!
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22. Why, God?
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23. Ho-ly shi...!
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24. Pretty terrible, isn't it?
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25. This is what it would have
been like if we'd attempted
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26. to travel to Mars only seven years ago.
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27. That was a mercy kill.
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28. Yup, it's true.
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29. Space travel was pretty grim stuff back
when big government was running the game.
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30. But now that space exploration
has been privatized,
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31. soon space travel will be like this.
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32. I was just playing Future Tennis
on the Holocourt.
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33. When do we land?
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34. We just did, sir.
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35. Ha! Hot damn, I didn't feel a thing.
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36. - Welcome to Mars. More space champagne?
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37. We're taking applications now
to be part of our maiden voyage.
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38. So blast off from your mundane world
and spend your life among the stars.
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39. [Voice-over] The voyage begins one month
from now, so send your applications today!
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40. Okay, little Davey.
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41. I'm just gonna need you
to open real big for me.
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42. Don't need to scream.
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43. No, no, this is just a mirror.
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44. Okay, just a sec.
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45. This can't hurt you.
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46. How's my future son-in-law doing?
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47. I'm doing just great, Dr. Simpson.
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48. - I got you something! Open it!
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49. Uh, well, I'm sort of in the middle of...
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50. Open it...!
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51. Oh-kay.
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52. It's a VHS copy of the movie Son In Law.
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53. Fitting, huh?
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54. Right, because I'm marrying
your daughter, yes.
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55. - Pop it in real quick!
- I want to show you a scene.
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56. Yeah, I don't think we
have a VCR here.
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57. Oh, Goddamn it!
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58. Oh, okay, well uh, there's this scene...
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59. where they're at a concert in this bar...
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60. and Pauly Shore is like...
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61. "It's the weasel, buuuddy!"
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62. - Y'know what? Y'know what?
- I'll watch it when I get home tonight.
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63. Ooh ooh! Will you call me
when you get to that scene?
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64. Uh, y'know, I probably won't, but we can
talk about it tomorrow when I get in.
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65. Okay?
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66. Oh, okay, yeah yeah yeah.
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67. We'll talk about it in the morning
when you get in.
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68. Y'know, maybe I should
get back to him?
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69. He's having, uh, a real tough time here.
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70. 'Course he is. Kids hate the dentist.
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71. Everyone does, actually.
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72. Every single person we see,
this is the worst day of their whole year.
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73. That's why the suicide rates
are so high for us.
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74. Okay, uh, well if you're
gonna be doing that,
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75. I think it's time for little Davey
to go out to see his mom.
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76. Okay, w-we'll schedule a follow-up, buddy.
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77. - Here you go, sport.
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78. Have a sucker.
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79. You know why I always
give 'em a sucker?
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80. Gets them addicted to sugar.
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81. Rots their teeth.
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82. Keeps them coming back.
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83. We keep drilling their faces.
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84. The more faces we drill...
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85. the more money we get.
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86. I understand.
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87. We take that money,
and we buy things with it.
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88. Uh-huh, I got that part.
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89. The things we buy
make us more attractive to women.
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90. Naturally, sir.
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91. If they're attracted to us...
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92. then we can have sex with them!
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93. Yeah, y-you don't need
to keep explaining. Um...
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94. And when we have sex with them,
we can achieve orgasm.
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95. - Uh, how far is this gonna go?
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96. And when we orgasm—
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97. our brains release serotonin,
which gives us a sense of well being.
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98. Which helps with the
whole suicide thing.
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99. Okay, I'm gonna go ahead
and bring in the next patient.
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100. Okay gang, next up is...
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101. Katie Sheldon.
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102. I would suck a dick.
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103. I-I would literally suck a man's
dick to have your life.
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104. Okay, thank you, Cooter.
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105. Do you hear the words that I'm saying?
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106. I'm telling you— Hey, hey, look at me.
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107. I'm telling you, I would blow a man.
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108. I would blow an adult man for your life.
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109. - Do you hear me?
- Yeah, I hear you, Cooter.
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110. My friend here is engaged
to the hottest girl in town,
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111. and her old man is just giving him
his dental practice when he retires.
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112. I mean... Hello? Whose dick did you suck
in another life to get dealt this hand?
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113. Cause I want to meet this dick
and I want to suck it!
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114. Cooter, trust me, my life
is not that great.
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115. What are you talking about?
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116. You ever look at your life,
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117. and you know exactly how
it's going to go... all the way down?
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118. No.
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119. There are literally no
important decisions left for me.
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120. I will get the dental practice,
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121. where I will drill little kids' faces
until I am 65 years old.
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122. I am going to marry Candace.
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123. Those things are going to happen.
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124. We will probably have two children,
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125. and we'll work every day
to make our mortgage,
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126. and we'll scrimp and we'll save
to put our kids through college,
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127. and then once they're gone,
we'll wonder where all the time went.
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128. And then we'll live as strangers
in the same house until one of us dies
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129. and the other teeters off into dementia.
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130. I would suck your dick for that life.
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131. I would literally suck your—
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132. Dude!
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133. Let me suck your dick!
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134. - What?
- I'm serious.
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135. Let's finish our drinks, go into the bathroom,
turn our phones off, and I will suck your dick.
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136. All right, Cooter, you are drunk
and you need to go.
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137. Why are you being like this?
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138. Cooter, I'm not gay!
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139. - What? Neither am I!
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140. There's nothing gay about it.
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141. Look, I'm trying to do you a
solid so you can be like,
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142. "Oh! I guess my life's not so bad."
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143. "I got a hot fiancée,
I got my own business,"
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144. "and my best friend's
blowing me right now."
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145. Why are you so weird
when you're drunk?
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146. That hurt my feelings.
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147. I am going to the bathroom.
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148. Hey, Cooter, cool out!
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149. - He is cut off.
- He's fine.
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150. [TV] For the last three weeks,
ordinary people across the country
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151. have been sending video submissions
hoping to be one of the lucky citizens
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152. chosen at random to be among
the first people to set foot on Mars.
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153. And we have our first winner—
Wimmy Tilliams.
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154. A 34 year-old father of five who teaches
Sunday school in Watertown, South Dakota.
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155. Wimmy, you just got the big news.
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156. How are you feeling today?
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157. I'm so excited to be going
on an honest-to-God adventure.
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158. To take a journey where absolutely
anything can happen!
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159. Now Wimmy, we ran
some quick calculations,
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160. and not only will you be one of the
first people to ever set foot on Mars,
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161. you will also be the fattest
astronaut ever in space.
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162. Oh. Is that so?
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163. By quite a lot.
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164. Okay, well, I guess it won't really matter
since in space, everyone is weightless.
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165. True, true.
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166. But you'll still look fat.
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167. I'm sorry, is there a question here?
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168. Bartender? There's a guy in the bathroom,
and he is way out of line.
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169. - Hey, I had to go to sleep.
- I'm so sorry you had a hard day though.
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170. Just make yourself a
nice drink and relax.
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171. We can talk about things in the morning.
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172. Love, Candace.
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173. - Ha!
- Gah!
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174. I tricked you with a note.
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175. We're not going to talk
about things in the morning.
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176. We're going to talk about them now!
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177. Oh, no!
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178. - Why did you say, "Oh, no?"
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179. - No no, no! Don't cry, don't cry.
- I didn't mean, "Oh, no..."
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180. I just... I was surprised.
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181. I'm sorry. With the wedding coming up,
I'm just under a lot of pressure.
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182. Yeah, it's okay. It's-it's okay.
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183. Do you... still love me?
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184. Of—yeah, of course I still love you!
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185. Do you love me more than
anyone in the world?
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186. Yes, you know I do.
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187. If someone had a gun aimed at me,
and your mom, and dad,
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188. and you had to pick one person to save...
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189. would you pick me?
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190. Of course I would, yeah.
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191. If we had a baby, and the gunman
was either going to shoot me or the baby...
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192. - who would you save?
- Candace, I don't—
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193. - I don't like doing these hypotheticals...
- Who would you save?
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194. - Well, uh... I would try, and—
- and save both of you.
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195. No! If you had to pick one!
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196. Uh, I-I guess I would save...
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197. the baby? Since it hadn't really
been able to live any of it's life yet?
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198. Oh my God!
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199. No, I meant you! I-I would save you.
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200. I would jump in front of the bullet
so that both you and the baby could live!
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201. I didn't know that was an option!
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202. Okay, next time I... jump in
front of her and the baby. Okay.
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203. Ah, fuck me.
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204. Fucking stupid old VCR.
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205. God damn RCA cords. Knots.
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206. This piece of shit Pauly
Shore movie. Fucking idiot.
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207. [TV] Two more passengers
have been selected
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208. for billionaire Elron Branson's
maiden Mars expedition.
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209. The first name is Todd Sullivan.
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210. Todd is a middle school math teacher
from Fredericksburg, Virginia.
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211. Yeah, I signed up for this Mars thing
cause my job is working with little kids,
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212. and I don't know if you've ever worked
with little kids, but they fucking suck.
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213. Mr. Todd? I fell down on the slide.
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214. - Get the fuck outta here, Jeremy!
- I'm playing my game.
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215. Anyway...
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216. as you can see, with all this shit,
I was just like... "Fuck Earth."
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217. Whoopsie! None of that was bleeped,
sorry about that.
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218. The second contestant
announced today is Peggy Bork.
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219. And what a story she has!
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220. Four years ago,
in a sleepy town in Missouri,
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221. neighbors responded to a terrible smell,
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222. and found the decomposing bodies
of Harold and Margaret Bork.
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223. Locked in their secret basement
was their 24 year-old daughter Peggy!
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224. Peggy had been shut off
from the world since birth.
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225. For the last 4 years,
Peggy has had to acclimate to the real world.
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226. - Car!
- No, Peggy!
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227. But now,
Peggy's world is about to get even bigger.
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228. I spent so much of my life trapped in the same
place, that sometimes, I didn't even feel alive.
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229. You and me both, Peggy.
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230. Ever since I've been free,
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231. I'm determined to see everything
this planet has to offer.
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232. That's why... I'm going to Mars!
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233. Fascinating story.
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234. And I believe there's only one more seat
available for the Mars voyage.
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235. That's right, the raffle ends tomorrow at
midnight, so get those submissions in, people!
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236. The spaceship blasts off July 12th.
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237. - My name is Kyle Capshaw...
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238. and I need to go to Mars.
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239. This is it, man!
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240. Your last night of freedom!
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241. How do you feel?
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242. Why did you take me here?
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243. Candace said that we couldn't have
your bachelor party at a strip club.
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244. But she didn't say we couldn't have it
at a male strip club.
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245. She said "strip clubs."
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246. What are you looking at your
phone so much for anyway?
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247. What? What, do you see guys
like this every day?
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248. They're about to announce
the last passenger for that Mars thing.
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249. - Why do you care?
- It's not like you signed up for it.
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250. - Yeah, no, no, no, no.
- I just, uh... you know.
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251. I-I-I don't know.
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252. You did! Wait, you're getting
married in three weeks!
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253. How are you gonna go to Mars?
What are you thinking?
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254. I don't know!
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255. What, would you just
bail on the wedding?
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256. No...!
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257. Dude, Candace would fucking kill you
if she found out you even applied to that!
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258. She didn't even want you to
go to female strip clubs
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259. but we found a loophole, huh?
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260. Well, this isn't really a loophole. I
mean, we're still technically disobeying her,
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261. it's just less enjoyable...
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262. for me.
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263. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, me too!
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264. Look! The
strippers are doing that thing
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265. where they dip their dicks in everybody's
mouth for like a second!
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266. Let me ask you. Do you think it's rude
to not participate?
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267. Go knock yourself out, Cooter.
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268. Uh, what, wh-what is that?
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269. It's a hair scrunchie.
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270. Why?
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271. So they can see your eyes!
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272. Okay!
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273. This is the moment we've
all been waiting for.
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274. Drum roll, please.
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275. And the final passenger on the first ever
manned mission to planet Mars is...
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276. Please God, please God,
please God, come on...
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277. Marty Wagner!
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278. - Marty! You just heard the good news.
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279. How excited are you?
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280. - I didn't sign up!
- M-My friend is always playing jokes on me.
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281. I thought I was signing a petition to get
the trash trucks to come on the weekends!
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282. Uh-oh! Well, he got you
pretty good this time,
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283. cause you're going to Mars!
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284. Oh, oh, please, don't make me go.
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285. I-I'm horribly agoraphobic.
I can't even leave the house!
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286. The idea of traveling down
the street terrifies me.
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287. You can't make me go to Mars!
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288. Oh yes we can!
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289. No...!
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290. Some people are just born lucky, I guess.
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291. Kyle! Kyle!
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292. Can we borrow $50?
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293. - What? No, you can't borrow 50 doll—
- Who are all these twinks?
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294. I met them in the dick line.
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295. This one knows where we can
get crystal meth. You want in?
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296. No, I'm not gonna lend you 50 bucks
to go do meth with twinks.
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297. That's okay. We know ways to get $50.
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298. - Y'know what?
- I think I'm just gonna call it a night.
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299. But-But thank you, for the bachelor party.
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300. All right. Your loss, man.
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301. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
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302. - Ah, ah! What's wrong?
- Ah! What happened?
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303. You're still asleep, on our wedding day!
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304. - Did the alarm not go off?
- I mean I-I set it.
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305. Candace, it's only 7AM.
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306. I always dreamed that my future husband
would be so excited to marry me,
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307. that he wouldn't even be able
to sleep the night before the wedding.
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308. And you slept fine!
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309. I'm sorry I... slept okay.
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310. I'm going to take a shower.
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311. When I get out, you better be dressed
and ready to take me over to the girls.
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312. Okay, yeah. S-Sorry again.
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313. Okay, so... when it's our anniversary,
don't sleep the night before. Okay.
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314. incredible late breaking announcement.
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315. Marty Wagner, one of the last
passengers chosen for the maiden mission,
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316. committed suicide this morning.
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317. What?
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318. Now, we have some very cool footage
of the suicide that we're about to show,
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319. but we must warn you
that it is pretty graphic.
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320. I don't want to do this!
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321. I love my life! I have children!
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322. But I just really can't handle
the idea of going to Mars.
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323. Please don't make me go!
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324. You have to!
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325. No...!
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326. - Oh my God!
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327. - Aw, so cool. I could seriously—
- I could watch stuff like that all day.
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328. Now, since they only have hours
until takeoff this morning,
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329. the Mars Enterprises team held
a random drawing of local submissions only.
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330. Holy... shit.
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331. And once again, the winner chosen
was one Kyle Capshaw.
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332. Holy shit!
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333. Our news vans are on their way to
Mr. Capshaw's house as we speak
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334. to give him the good news.
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335. Holy shit!
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336. - Kyle Capshaw!
- Gah!
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337. You've been selected to go to Mars.
How do you feel?
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338. You have to leave.
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339. - No, you have to leave... to Mars!
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340. Listen to me. My fiancée doesn't know
that I entered the contest.
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341. We are supposed to get married today.
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342. Please do not put this on television.
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343. How mad do you think
she's gonna be? 1 to 10?
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344. - Oh, Candace!
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345. You son of a bitch!
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346. Baby, I'm sorry! Th-th-th-the chair must've
fallen against the door. It was an accident.
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347. It was?
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348. - Totally! Yeah, totally.
- Now, baby? Precious lamb?
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349. Uh, I need to ask you to do
something very important.
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350. - What?
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351. You know how I'm
incredibly superstitious?
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352. No, you're not!
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353. - Yes I am! Yes I am.
- And superstition dictates,
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354. that we cannot see each other
on the day of the wedding.
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355. Then how are you supposed
to drive me to Carol's house
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356. to get my fucking makeup done?
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357. - They're getting away! Get 'em!
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358. Are you driving crazy?
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359. It feels like you're driving crazy!
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360. No, no, I'm driving perfectly normal.
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361. Slow down, asshole...!
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362. Thanks for joining us here
at the Mars Enterprises' launch site.
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363. Behind me, you can see the shuttle
being prepared for its maiden voyage,
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364. which will commence in
just a few short hours.
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365. Five lucky individuals will be traveling
to the red planet this evening.
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366. And the captain of the ship is none other
than Mars Enterprises' CEO, Sir Elron Branson.
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367. Now, not many people know this, but
besides being a billionaire philanthropist,
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368. Elron Branson is also a former Air Force test
pilot who will be looking after the tourists,
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369. and making sure they have
a safe and fun journey.
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370. He's a pilot, an EMT, a gourmet chef,
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371. and was voted People Magazine's
sexiest man alive three years in a row.
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372. And the final passenger
on the Mars 1's maiden voyage is...
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373. Pediatric dentist Kyle Capshaw.
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374. And they are all... white.
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375. Every single one of them.
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376. White as the pure driven snow,
zero diversity among this crew.
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377. Huh, that's awkward.
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378. - Well, just in time. We're here.
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379. Okay. Carol's house.
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380. You have to be dressed and at the chapel
by 12 o'clock. Got that?
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381. Got it.
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382. Now give me a kiss.
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383. Mwah.
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384. Come on, Cooter, you
better fucking pick up.
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385. - Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up?
- What's up? What's going on man? What's up?
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386. Cooter! God! Where the hell
have you been for the last two weeks?
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387. Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots
of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
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388. - Well, I got a huge problem, man.
- The wedding is today.
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389. - I know that! I know that, man.
- I'm on my way there right now.
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390. Twinks! The wedding is today!
Get your tuxes on.
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391. Cooter, listen to me,
I need your help, okay?
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392. I-I-I got accepted...
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393. into the Mars program!
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394. Are you thinking about going?
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395. - I-I don't know!
- I haven't had a chance to think!
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396. I've got Candace yelling at me, I've got
TV reporters following my every move...
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397. Are you on TV, man? That's awesome!
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398. Cooter, it's not awesome!
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399. I-I don't know what to do!
Copy !req
400. I mean, this Mars thing, I'd only
be gone for like a month and a half,
Copy !req
401. but if I leave on the day of our wedding
without telling Candace...
Copy !req
402. I'm basically throwing
the whole relationship away.
Copy !req
403. Oof!
Copy !req
404. Maybe I have cold feet about the wedding,
and this is some sort of reaction to that?
Copy !req
405. I-I don't know what's going on with me!
Copy !req
406. Dude, say no more. Sounds like
you need some time to figure this all out.
Copy !req
407. I'm gonna drive down to that launch pad and
stall that fucking spaceship for you, dude.
Copy !req
408. Twinks! Get the gun out of the trunk!
Copy !req
409. Cooter, you can't stall
a spaceship. That's insane.
Copy !req
410. Ah! You're right, that's insane.
Copy !req
411. I can't stall a spaceship.
They're made of metal.
Copy !req
412. All the meth in the world
couldn't stall a spaceship.
Copy !req
413. - What?
- I'll stall the wedding instead.
Copy !req
414. - Heading to the church, Kyle. I've got you, buddy.
- Cooter? No, no-!
Copy !req
415. - Twinks! To the car!
Copy !req
416. - Hello, Sandy.
- What do you think we should do?
Copy !req
417. Aw...
Copy !req
418. Don't be like that.
Copy !req
419. I'm sorry that you have to live
in the glove compartment.
Copy !req
420. She thinks I've thrown you out.
Copy !req
421. Boy, I really could use your
cool, level head right now.
Copy !req
422. Hah, I've gotten us into a real mess.
Copy !req
423. You're getting this, right?
Copy !req
424. Oh, yeah!
Copy !req
425. We're getting a Goddamn pay raise!
Copy !req
426. I mean, wh-wh-wh-wh-what would you do?
Copy !req
427. Oh, come on.
We don't have time for that.
Copy !req
428. Besides, you said last
time was the last time.
Copy !req
429. Okay, let me just...
make sure no one's looking.
Copy !req
430. Oh!
Copy !req
431. Nope, didn't see us.
Copy !req
432. - Well, the coast is clear.
- But this is the last time.
Copy !req
433. Okay?
Copy !req
434. After today, I'm a married man.
Copy !req
435. Now, tell me...
Copy !req
436. - Thank you for coming.
- Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.
Copy !req
437. Thank you for coming.
Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.
Copy !req
438. Cooter! How are you?
Copy !req
439. Cool it, Mr. S.
Copy !req
440. Everybody, listen up!
Copy !req
441. I have an announcement
from the groom himself.
Copy !req
442. First of all, no TVs.
Copy !req
443. That's right.
Copy !req
444. Aw, Cooter! There's a scene
I wanted to show everyone!
Copy !req
445. Secondly, everyone hand
in their cellphones.
Copy !req
446. Groom's orders.
Copy !req
447. Kyle has prepared a big
surprise for everyone.
Copy !req
448. But it's on live television right now.
Copy !req
449. So nobody watch the news, or check your phones
in case someone you know is watching the news.
Copy !req
450. I saw the news this morning! They're
looking for Kyle because he's supposed—
Copy !req
451. Get the hell out of this wedding!
Copy !req
452. Cooter, explain what's
happening right now!
Copy !req
453. Shut, the fuck, up...!
Copy !req
454. I dunno, Sandy. I mean,
of course I want to go to Mars.
Copy !req
455. I-I want to have adventure in my life.
Copy !req
456. But I made a commitment to her.
Copy !req
457. Aw, no, don't say that.
She's a good person.
Copy !req
458. And who knows? Maybe getting married will help
fix the relationship? I mean, the point is...
Copy !req
459. It would completely devastate her
if I left her at the alter.
Copy !req
460. I mean, i-i-isn't that what
being a real man is?
Copy !req
461. Huh? Putting the feelings
of others before yourself?
Copy !req
462. You know what?
Copy !req
463. I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think
I've made a decision.
Copy !req
464. I'm getting married.
Copy !req
465. Where in the holy fuck are you?
Copy !req
466. Don't worry, honey, I'm on my way.
Copy !req
467. Well, "on my way" isn't "here!"
Copy !req
468. If you don't walk through
that door in seconds,
Copy !req
469. I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
Copy !req
470. Actually...
Copy !req
471. You know what? I've just... I've just
run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
Copy !req
472. Fuck you, pussy!
Copy !req
473. You get through that traffic
and get here to marry me!
Copy !req
474. - Yeah, and, you're, uh...
- yeah, you're breaking up.
Copy !req
475. It's... It's really hard
to hear you right now.
Copy !req
476. I'm going to fucking Mars.
Copy !req
477. We are now going live
to the arrival of the final passenger.
Copy !req
478. Mr. Capshaw!
Copy !req
479. Just in time. Follow me.
Copy !req
480. Now we're getting down to the wire here, so
I'm gonna have to get you to sign and walk.
Copy !req
481. This first one is a standard release
form for the cameras
Copy !req
482. and any promotional material we
would use your likeness for.
Copy !req
483. Okay.
Copy !req
484. This one absolves our
company from any liability
Copy !req
485. in case of spontaneous incineration.
Copy !req
486. Incineration? Uh...
Copy !req
487. How often do these explode?
Copy !req
488. - We don't know yet.
- Maiden voyage and all.
Copy !req
489. Right, yeah, okay. That makes sense.
Copy !req
490. This next one absolves our
company from all liability
Copy !req
491. in the event you suffer
a mental breakdown.
Copy !req
492. Oh, does that happen a lot?
Copy !req
493. Sometimes! People go space crazy.
Copy !req
494. Geez, okay. Well, hope
that doesn't happen to me.
Copy !req
495. And this last one absolves
our company from any liability
Copy !req
496. in case one of the other passengers goes
space crazy and shoots you or something.
Copy !req
497. Are there guns on the spaceship?
Copy !req
498. Y'know, I don't know the answer to that,
but I would be happy to look into it for you.
Copy !req
499. - Oh! Thank you so much.
- That would be great.
Copy !req
500. But I am going to need
you to sign real quick.
Copy !req
501. Oh sure, right.
Copy !req
502. - Then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
Copy !req
503. He's looking at his daughter,
but all he can see...
Copy !req
504. is his little girl— oh, Goddammit, Cooter!
Why can't we watch the television?
Copy !req
505. Come on! You were doing good, Mr. S.
Copy !req
506. - Cooter!
Copy !req
507. Where is he?
Copy !req
508. He's on TV, nobody watch it...
Copy !req
509. Hey, everybody! I found
another TV in the banquet room.
Copy !req
510. We can just power this thing up and-
Copy !req
511. Cooter, crossing the line!
Copy !req
512. - What is wrong with you?
- Oh my God, he's bleeding!
Copy !req
513. Somebody call 911!
Copy !req
514. It's too late. Cooter...
Copy !req
515. - This man is—
- Look everybody!
Copy !req
516. Kyle's on TV!
Copy !req
517. There he goes,
Kyle Capshaw.
Copy !req
518. The last passenger onto the shuttle.
Copy !req
519. About to leave everyone on
Earth... for Mars.
Copy !req
520. What?
Copy !req
521. Yeah, he's not getting
married at all today.
Copy !req
522. He's going to Mars!
Copy !req
523. - Hello, straggler. I'm Elron Branson.
- Welcome aboard.
Copy !req
524. Pick up. Pick up. You better pick up.
Copy !req
525. Ooh... burn.
Copy !req
526. And we are
approaching liftoff.
Copy !req
527. Ten...
Copy !req
528. Nine...
Copy !req
529. Eight...
Copy !req
530. Seven...
Copy !req
531. Six...
Copy !req
532. Five...
Copy !req
533. Four...
Copy !req
534. Two...
Copy !req
535. One.
Copy !req
536. Lift off!
Copy !req
537. Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
Copy !req
538. Listen up, my fellow... astronauts.
Copy !req
539. First thing's first: When I call your name,
Copy !req
540. come on up, get yourself a name tag,
and tell us a little about yourself.
Copy !req
541. What you did on Earth,
and what you want to get out of this trip.
Copy !req
542. Todd Sullivan.
Copy !req
543. My name's Todd,
Copy !req
544. I think it's stupid that we all have to
stand up here and introduce ourselves,
Copy !req
545. and, uh, fuck name tags.
Copy !req
546. Oh, okay. Well, we don't have
to... wear them, I guess.
Copy !req
547. But I did... stay up all night
making everyone individual drawings.
Copy !req
548. Oh... kay. Well, I... I guess we can just
Copy !req
549. eat cocktail shrimp and play deck games.
Copy !req
550. Okay, Wimmy.
Copy !req
551. Did your serve make it over the net?
Copy !req
552. Uh... yeah.
Copy !req
553. Okay, Kyle... now you take a card.
Copy !req
554. Did you return his volly?
Copy !req
555. It says... yeah.
Copy !req
556. Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy
take another card.
Copy !req
557. Did you return the volley?
Copy !req
558. It says I missed.
Copy !req
559. - Oh! Match point!
Copy !req
560. Kyle, you get a reward card.
Copy !req
561. Now, would you like
"Surprise Now" or "Surprise Later?"
Copy !req
562. Uh...
Copy !req
563. I'll take "Surprise Later—"
Copy !req
564. Y'know, the commercials made
Future Tennis seem a lot more...
Copy !req
565. future-y.
Copy !req
566. And tennis-y.
Copy !req
567. Did you make this game, Elron?
Copy !req
568. Well if you guys are not
feeling it, we could play...
Copy !req
569. Future Badminton, Future
Jai alai, or Future Darts.
Copy !req
570. - Ah, y'know, I'm good.
- I'm gonna go mingle.
Copy !req
571. Hey! Peggy, right?
Copy !req
572. Yes!
Copy !req
573. Y'know, I don't want to be
super negative right out the gate,
Copy !req
574. but doesn't all of this seem a little
less cool than they made it out to be?
Copy !req
575. I mean... I sacrificed quite
a lot to be here.
Copy !req
576. Oh! What did you sacrifice?
Copy !req
577. Well, I mean... I... Uh...
Copy !req
578. I was actually supposed
to get married today.
Copy !req
579. Wow!
Copy !req
580. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, we all have
families and friends back on Earth
Copy !req
581. that we just picked
up and left for a month.
Copy !req
582. Your friends will still be there
for you when you get back.
Copy !req
583. Ah, I don't know about that.
Copy !req
584. Sure they will! I just told my friends,
Copy !req
585. "Gang! I'll be back in a month."
Copy !req
586. And then I left them twenty bowls of food,
Copy !req
587. and I filled the bathtub with milk.
Copy !req
588. What?
Copy !req
589. For drinking!
Copy !req
590. I'm gonna assume you're
talking about cats here.
Copy !req
591. You just left them with a
bathtub filled with milk?
Copy !req
592. Purrrrr-cisely!
Copy !req
593. Peggy, it's June...
Copy !req
594. That milk is gonna go
bad in like a day or two.
Copy !req
595. What do you mean?
Copy !req
596. Well, I mean, that's all you
left for your cats to drink?
Copy !req
597. Yeah... What do you mean?
Copy !req
598. Well, what's going to happen
when the bathtub milk turns
Copy !req
599. and they've got three and a half
weeks with nothing to drink?
Copy !req
600. What do you mean?
Copy !req
601. Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.
Copy !req
602. Anyway, like I said,
Copy !req
603. your loved ones will be there waiting
for you when you get back.
Copy !req
604. Okay, friends, listen up!
Copy !req
605. Loser!
Copy !req
606. Okay, I'm just going to
pretend I didn't hear that.
Copy !req
607. Lo-ser!
Copy !req
608. The time has come for us
to go into stasis.
Copy !req
609. Now, this will be a chemical sleep that
will make the next two weeks of travel
Copy !req
610. feel like a two hour cat nap.
Copy !req
611. - Wooo! He said cats!
Copy !req
612. Uh, is this going to be
a shot or something?
Copy !req
613. No. We will each be taking
500 easy-to-swallow pills.
Copy !req
614. - Did you say 500?
- What?
Copy !req
615. - Did you say 500?
- 500?
Copy !req
616. Can we get some more water?
Copy !req
617. Uh... No.
Copy !req
618. Ugh, God...
Copy !req
619. Ow... Slept on my arm weird.
Copy !req
620. God, this aerobed half deflated.
Copy !req
621. Aw, my neck!
Copy !req
622. Elron? I'm having a little
trouble moving my neck.
Copy !req
623. How did I get over here?
Copy !req
624. - Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
- Stop. What?
Copy !req
625. - Ambien? We took...
- We took 500 Ambien?
Copy !req
626. Haha, pretty cool, right Todd?
Copy !req
627. - That's what stasis is?
- Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
Copy !req
628. Aw! Guh!
Copy !req
629. Oh, wait— oh, okay,
you're just all gonna...
Copy !req
630. take 'em off? Okay.
Copy !req
631. Oh, hey! Did you guys...
Did you guys notice my sign?
Copy !req
632. It says, "Welcome to Mars!
A place for friends."
Copy !req
633. - Oh that's, yeah, that's cool, man.
- Ooh!
Copy !req
634. As you can see, I drew each one of us.
Copy !req
635. Took me most of the two weeks here.
Copy !req
636. Todd, what do you think?
Copy !req
637. - Uh, it sucks, it's stupid.
- You're stupid, you suck.
Copy !req
638. - Come on, Todd.
Copy !req
639. Oh, here we go.
Copy !req
640. Ladies and gentlemen,
in a few moments,
Copy !req
641. the airlock door will open, and in front
of the watching world,
Copy !req
642. we will become the first
people to step from this ship
Copy !req
643. and see Mars with our own eyes.
Copy !req
644. This is incredible.
Copy !req
645. Gather around, gather around.
Copy !req
646. Just want to lay down some ground rules
for my fellow... Martians.
Copy !req
647. Thank you, Jesus...
Copy !req
648. The first and most important rule is:
Copy !req
649. Have fun!
Copy !req
650. Have fun up here, guys.
This is your vacation.
Copy !req
651. Mars is for fun.
Copy !req
652. The second rule is, do not touch
the airlock because it will kill you.
Copy !req
653. Now, down that corridor are
the sleeping pods.
Copy !req
654. Go claim a room and be back here for
our first Martian lunch at 14:00.
Copy !req
655. Well, hello, Kyle.
Copy !req
656. Oh, hey, Wimmy. I see that
you are... praying again.
Copy !req
657. A lotta... lotta prayer with you. All right.
Copy !req
658. So, uh... So what's your story?
Copy !req
659. Well, I'm a faithful husband with a wife
who is quite a beauty— on the inside.
Copy !req
660. A proud father of five angelic children.
Copy !req
661. I have Type 2 diabetes
and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
Copy !req
662. What about you?
Copy !req
663. Uh... I'm a dentist, which is cool...
Copy !req
664. Actually, no, it's not, little kids hate me,
Copy !req
665. and, uh... I do believe in dinosaurs.
Copy !req
666. - Well, we'll work on that.
Copy !req
667. That's why I'm here.
I'm a missionary of sorts.
Copy !req
668. I'm gonna turn Mars into
the first completely Christian planet.
Copy !req
669. Okay, but there aren't
any people on Mars.
Copy !req
670. Aren't there?
Copy !req
671. Oh, no.
Copy !req
672. Bon Appetit.
Copy !req
673. Woah. Elron, did you
make all this yourself?
Copy !req
674. I had a little help from my good friend
Copy !req
675. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N.
H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.
Copy !req
676. One more time, Elron?
Copy !req
677. I said this meal was
actually prepared by one
Copy !req
678. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N.
H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.
Copy !req
679. It's an acronym. It's technical name is
Copy !req
680. Mechanical Ultra Responsive Dietary
Electronic Robotic Energized Delivery
Copy !req
681. Meal Interface Dietary Wellness Efficiency
System Tactile Edible Responsiveness Nutrition
Copy !req
682. Home Or Mobile Omnivorous Sustenance
Expeditious Xenoculinary User Aligned Lunch
Copy !req
683. Tool Enabled Eating Nourishment
Agent Gastronomical Electronic Robot.
Copy !req
684. What?
Copy !req
685. But that's a little bit of a mouthful,
Copy !req
686. So we call it the M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N.
H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R. for short.
Copy !req
687. That's really weird and offensive.
Copy !req
688. I think that happened.
Copy !req
689. This is a one-of-a-kind prototype,
but in a few years, Lord willing,
Copy !req
690. every town from Chicago
to New Orleans will have it's own
Copy !req
691. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N.
H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.
Copy !req
692. Gotta fix that acronym.
Copy !req
693. Yeah, some of those
words seemed unnecessary.
Copy !req
694. You said "Robotic" twice.
Copy !req
695. - Hey, I didn't name it!
- Take it up with the good people at
Copy !req
696. T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S
G.R.E.A.T.L.Y. E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D.
Copy !req
697. I'm sorry, what?
Copy !req
698. It's a company. It stands for
Technological Human Electronic-
Copy !req
699. Okay, so how does this thing work?
Copy !req
700. It's basically like a 3D printer for food.
Copy !req
701. You just say whatever
you want it to make...
Copy !req
702. - And it...
- Jäger.
Copy !req
703. Rad.
Copy !req
704. Ho-ho! Get it, Peggy!
Copy !req
705. Opa, opa!
Copy !req
706. Aw, yeah!
Copy !req
707. Woah. Hey... Wimmy.
Copy !req
708. Good morning. This is a surprise.
Copy !req
709. Yeah, you're in my bed.
Copy !req
710. Oh! Well, are we sure
you didn't get in my bed?
Copy !req
711. Yep. This is my bed.
Copy !req
712. Oh! Well, last night was
the first in 18 years
Copy !req
713. that I didn't share my bed with
my lovely-on-the-inside wife.
Copy !req
714. So in my sleep I must have
wandered over here
Copy !req
715. mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.
Copy !req
716. Okay, well...
Copy !req
717. I'm going to get up.
Copy !req
718. 10-4, good buddy.
Copy !req
719. "T.H.E.R.E. W.E.R.E. G.O.O.D. P.E.O.P.L.E.
O.N. B.O.T.H. S.I.D.E.S.
Copy !req
720. "O.F. T.H.E. C.H.A.R.L.O.T.T.E.S.V.I.L.L.E.
F.I.A.S.C.O." They even put spaces!
Copy !req
721. Fuck this company!
Copy !req
722. Last night was fun!
Copy !req
723. - Y'know what, Peggy?
- Last night was fun, heh.
Copy !req
724. I think this is a really
great group we got here.
Copy !req
725. And it's cool that we're on Mars.
Copy !req
726. - And it's cool we're on Mars!
- You're right, Peggy! Heh... Fucking Mars.
Copy !req
727. All right!
Copy !req
728. Oh boy, you know what
that alarm means?
Copy !req
729. It's time for Kyle's surprise!
Copy !req
730. - Oh ho! Okay, wh-what's going on?
- What are we talking about?
Copy !req
731. - Your surprise. "Surprise Later?"
- From Future Tennis?
Copy !req
732. - Oh! Right, hey, wow, look at me!
- Everything's coming up Kyle!
Copy !req
733. Now, I know the Martian
landscape can feel pretty foreign,
Copy !req
734. but you've won something that's going to
make this place feel a lot more like home.
Copy !req
735. - All right, okay.
Copy !req
736. Lay it on me. Fun!
Copy !req
737. - Okay, Kyle.
- Say hello to your very own...
Copy !req
738. Talk to me, baby. What do we got?
Copy !req
739. Fiancée...!
Copy !req
740. What the fuck? What the fuck?
Copy !req
741. - Wait, how is... how... how...
- how is she here now?
Copy !req
742. When you won Future Tennis, I asked if you
wanted "Surprise Now" or "Surprise Later."
Copy !req
743. You said "Surprise Later!"
Copy !req
744. She shouldn't be here.
Copy !req
745. This is bad. Can we pause?
Can we... Can we pause for a second?
Copy !req
746. Can we make the door
go back up, please?
Copy !req
747. No, Kyle! We have to
get her outta there.
Copy !req
748. That's a decompression chamber.
They're very dangerous.
Copy !req
749. - Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Fuck me. Fuck Me.
Copy !req
750. Oh, fuck. Haha, H-Hi, Pumpkin!
Copy !req
751. Hi, Kyle.
Copy !req
752. Hi. I'm Candace. Kyle's fiancée.
Copy !req
753. That's funny,
Kyle never talked about you at all.
Copy !req
754. - Yeah, I did! Yes, I— No!
- I'm sure that I did.
Copy !req
755. So this is... this is crazy.
Copy !req
756. This is all so surprising.
How are you... here?
Copy !req
757. Well, when you chose "Surprise Later," I knew
we had to think of something really good for you.
Copy !req
758. And as luck would have it, right then,
Copy !req
759. Candace showed up at the launchpad,
and was going on and on
Copy !req
760. about how much she needed
to get up here and get to ya'!
Copy !req
761. When I found out, I said,
"What the heck?
Copy !req
762. Send her up in a supply pod!"
Copy !req
763. Nothing is more important than true love.
Copy !req
764. That's so cool...!
Copy !req
765. What would have happened
if he chose "Surprise Now?"
Copy !req
766. He would have won $400,000.
Copy !req
767. Oh, $400,000. Yeah.
Copy !req
768. Uh, Candace, c-could we just have
a little side bar to kinda clear the air?
Copy !req
769. Cause, you know, I-I-I'm sensing
a little... hostility between us.
Copy !req
770. I'm not hostile, Kyle. Are you hostile?
Copy !req
771. No! No, no, I just, I-I feel like you're in...
Copy !req
772. I mean, I don't want to
tell you how you feel, but
Copy !req
773. I imagine, that you would have the right...
Copy !req
774. to be...
Copy !req
775. frustrated with me.
Copy !req
776. I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
Copy !req
777. Yeah, but, um...
Copy !req
778. You seem mad.
Copy !req
779. I'm not mad. Are you mad?
Copy !req
780. No, no! No I-I'm not mad at all.
Copy !req
781. - Okay, then we're not mad.
- Let's just drop it.
Copy !req
782. Okay, yeah, yeah. Fine.
Copy !req
783. I mean, it just, it seems kinda weird...
Copy !req
784. - Augh!
Copy !req
785. - You motherfucker!
- Help! She's gonna kill me!
Copy !req
786. You dickless piece of shit!
Copy !req
787. Okay, everyone. Seems like the
perfect time for a little safety meeting.
Copy !req
788. We've had some rather
unsafe behavior recently.
Copy !req
789. I'm not going to name names...
Copy !req
790. but I just want to
really quickly go over some of the basics.
Copy !req
791. First thing's first: This is the airlock.
Copy !req
792. Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that
we leave someone in the airlock.
Copy !req
793. Now, this is unsafe
for a myriad of reasons.
Copy !req
794. If you're in this thing without a space
suit when the exterior door opens,
Copy !req
795. the changing pressures could be fatal.
Copy !req
796. Now, if you do have your space suit on,
Copy !req
797. and you're going to take a walk
on the Martian surface,
Copy !req
798. you would stand on this circle
and give the voice command,
Copy !req
799. "Airlock C-L-O-S-E."
Copy !req
800. Ah! Airlock close!
Copy !req
801. - Thank you, Peggy.
- Yes, that is what I was spelling.
Copy !req
802. - Exterior door opening in thirty seconds.
Copy !req
803. Okay, luckily we have a
safeguard built in.
Copy !req
804. If you happen to be stuck inside
the airlock, without your space suit,
Copy !req
805. just give the voice command:
"Abort airlock proced-"
Copy !req
806. Well, then do it!
Copy !req
807. I am doing it. I was trying to.
Copy !req
808. - "Abort airlock—"
- You gotta hurry, Elron!
Copy !req
809. I'm sorry,
I didn't quite get that.
Copy !req
810. Evacuating airlock in twenty seconds.
Copy !req
811. Guys, you cannot say the
command while people are talking.
Copy !req
812. You all have to be qui— Okay, Kyle?
I'm gonna take it from here, okay?
Copy !req
813. - "Abort airl—"
- Yeah! Just be quiet, Kyle.
Copy !req
814. I'm sorry,
I didn't quite get that.
Copy !req
815. Candace, now you did it!
Copy !req
816. I'm sorry! I was telling
Kyle to be quiet for you.
Copy !req
817. - I wasn't gonna say anything.
- You just did it right—
Copy !req
818. Evacuating
airlock in ten seconds.
Copy !req
819. - Everyone, shut up!
- Everyone, shut up!
Copy !req
820. - Shut up, Kyle!
- You shut up!
Copy !req
821. - Shut up!
- You... Kyle, shut up!
Copy !req
822. Wimmy, shut up!
Copy !req
823. - Stop!
- You just talked, Candace!
Copy !req
824. - Wimmy!
- Sorry, Elron...
Copy !req
825. Peggy!
Copy !req
826. - Will you both shut the fuck up?
- Everyone, shut up!
Copy !req
827. Shut! Up!
Copy !req
828. "Abort airlock pro—"
Copy !req
829. - Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...!
Copy !req
830. What the fuck?
Copy !req
831. Oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh...!
Copy !req
832. Did that just happen?
Copy !req
833. Okay, you guys are
actually louder than my music.
Copy !req
834. Did you not see that?
Copy !req
835. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
836. Elron is dead!
Copy !req
837. Who?
Copy !req
838. Elron!
Copy !req
839. Th-The billionaire guy
that brought us here.
Copy !req
840. Th- Elron, the main guy! Elron!
Copy !req
841. Oh right. He died?
Copy !req
842. His head exploded!
Copy !req
843. Fuck off!
Copy !req
844. Holy shit!
Copy !req
845. Now that is fucking cool.
Copy !req
846. No, it's not fucking cool!
Copy !req
847. Elron Branson was the only one
that knew how to operate the ship!
Copy !req
848. Fat man! Be quiet. Not now.
Copy !req
849. - Okay, okay, okay.
Copy !req
850. We just... We need to keep
our heads together.
Copy !req
851. Poor choice of words, dude.
Copy !req
852. What?
Copy !req
853. Poor choice of words.
Copy !req
854. What?
Copy !req
855. - You said "let's keep our heads together?"
- His head exploded?
Copy !req
856. The things you say are inappropriate?
You don't realize it? You're dumb?
Copy !req
857. - Holy shit, he won't stop singing.
Copy !req
858. Oh! I'm sorry, I'm just the only one
trying to get us out of this mess.
Copy !req
859. - How?
- Uh...
Copy !req
860. By sending a little S.O.S.
to the big man upstairs?
Copy !req
861. But Wimmy, God's not real.
Copy !req
862. - Peggy!
Copy !req
863. Isn't it enough that you
killed our captain?
Copy !req
864. Do you have to blasphemy
God while you're at it?
Copy !req
865. I didn't kill him!
Copy !req
866. You're the one who said,
"Airlock close!"
Copy !req
867. - Airlock closed.
Copy !req
868. - Hey, come on, Wimmy.
- Leave Peggy alone.
Copy !req
869. She can't help it. She's... You know...
Copy !req
870. What are you saying, Kyle?
Copy !req
871. - I mean, Peggy is obviously...
- She's, y'know... Um...
Copy !req
872. Peggy, I don't want to offend you,
but, I mean, you're... you're obviously...
Copy !req
873. Uh...
Copy !req
874. You have a...
a mental, thing... right? Are...
Copy !req
875. Are you mentally handicapped?
Copy !req
876. - I'm sorry! No, that...
- That came out wrong, look.
Copy !req
877. It's not going to solve anything
for us to be blaming each other.
Copy !req
878. Now, I'm sure each one of us
in this room has made mistakes.
Copy !req
879. And right now, the best thing is for everyone
here to just forgive... everyone... here,
Copy !req
880. so that we can all work
together moving forwards.
Copy !req
881. "So we can all work
together moving forwards."
Copy !req
882. Todd, what is with the attitude?
Copy !req
883. - I don't have an attitude.
- Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
Copy !req
884. - I know you're not my dad.
- My dad is awesome.
Copy !req
885. Is Elron okay?
Copy !req
886. Okay, we have to get
in touch with Mission Control,
Copy !req
887. tell them what happened, and get them
to pick us up, and take us home.
Copy !req
888. I know! Hit this one!
Copy !req
889. - Peggy, don't...! Touch.
Copy !req
890. This is dangerous.
Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
Copy !req
891. [Click, frequency sound] Todd!
Copy !req
892. Telecom? It's short
for telecommunications?
Copy !req
893. Mission Control, can you hear us?
Copy !req
894. - There they are!
- You bastards! You bastards!
Copy !req
895. Did you come... to kill us now too?
Copy !req
896. Guys, guys, w-we are so sorry
about Elron. It was an accident.
Copy !req
897. We saw everything, there's cameras!
Copy !req
898. Uh, wh-wh-what do we do?
Copy !req
899. How do we get back home?
What happens?
Copy !req
900. Okay, well, we should be able to just...
Copy !req
901. have the ship automatically
bring you home. Just...
Copy !req
902. don't touch that big red button.
Copy !req
903. Um...
Copy !req
904. Peggy already did.
Copy !req
905. What?
Copy !req
906. You didn't hear a grinding
sound, did you?
Copy !req
907. - Yeah?
- Well, great!
Copy !req
908. That just disengaged all
the return boosters.
Copy !req
909. - Oh, thank you Peggy.
- Did I fix it?
Copy !req
910. Well, n-now what? Are we screwed?
Copy !req
911. Is there... Is there
another way to get back?
Copy !req
912. 'Course there is. In the sciences,
we always prepare for a plan B.
Copy !req
913. Ah, thank God.
Copy !req
914. Yeah, if we start constructing
another ship now...
Copy !req
915. we can get to you guys
in about... five years.
Copy !req
916. Five years! Did you say five years?
Copy !req
917. We're all gonna be stuck up
here for five years? Five?
Copy !req
918. Five whole years?
Copy !req
919. Well, maybe you should have thought about
that before you killed Elron Branson.
Copy !req
920. - He was a candle in the wind!
- And a rocket man!
Copy !req
921. That dude? He was a nerd.
Copy !req
922. - Nerd? Nerd?
Copy !req
923. - You know what?
- That's the problem with cools.
Copy !req
924. You guys just think you can
say whatever you want to anybody.
Copy !req
925. Well, if you wanted a world
without nerds...
Copy !req
926. then merry Christmas
and happy birthday...
Copy !req
927. - you're on one!
- Nerds out!
Copy !req
928. - No, no, no, nerds!
- Nerds? Nerds? No! No...!
Copy !req
929. I cannot get enough of
things like that. Look at that!
Copy !req
930. Now let's see if we can go frame by frame.
Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
Copy !req
931. Someone get Toby out of
the chair and let's go frame by frame.
Copy !req
932. Okay, here we go.
Copy !req
933. Now he's like "Oop! Oop, I'm in trouble!
I'm in trouble!"
Copy !req
934. Oop—! Boom! Hah, rewind.
Copy !req
935. See? See? He's still alive there, still alive there,
there, still alive. He's feeling it right there,
Copy !req
936. And, and... [Pop, boing]
that's where I think he died.
Copy !req
937. - What about you?
- I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
Copy !req
938. Ho-ho! Not me.
Copy !req
939. I have a whole folder of this
sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
Copy !req
940. It's marked "taxes" so my wife
doesn't snoop around in it.
Copy !req
941. Getting back to the crisis at hand.
Copy !req
942. Millions and millions of viewers around
the globe are mourning the loss
Copy !req
943. of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and
watching the developments with baited breath.
Copy !req
944. So much so that Mars
Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed
Copy !req
945. so concerned citizens can monitor the events
in the space station around the clock.
Copy !req
946. And with the sudden and
shockingly metal death
Copy !req
947. of the only person who knew
how to operate the ship,
Copy !req
948. how do you think the crew's holding up?
Copy !req
949. I tell ya', it must be incredibly,
incredibly tense up there.
Copy !req
950. Let's take a look at the feed.
Copy !req
951. - Where should we start?
- Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
Copy !req
952. I like the way you think.
Copy !req
953. Stupid Kyle doesn't realize
what he's giving up.
Copy !req
954. But you're going to remind him.
Copy !req
955. You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
Copy !req
956. Pizza.
Copy !req
957. Roast beef.
Copy !req
958. Chocolate.
Copy !req
959. Frosted Lucky Charms!
Copy !req
960. Reese's Puffs! Cocoa Puffs!
Copy !req
961. Hi...
Copy !req
962. So... Todd, huh?
Copy !req
963. That's an interesting name.
Copy !req
964. - I'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy.
- What?
Copy !req
965. You just told your boyfriend
you're on a break.
Copy !req
966. You're hurt, you're angry,
you wanna fuck somebody.
Copy !req
967. You're being crazy.
Copy !req
968. Oh my God! I wouldn't even think—
Copy !req
969. Okay, sweet.
Copy !req
970. That is not why I came over here!
Copy !req
971. Oh, okay, my mistake.
Copy !req
972. And for your information,
crazy girls are the best in bed.
Copy !req
973. - That's not true.
- That's just something crazy girls say.
Copy !req
974. Ugh!
Copy !req
975. Hey, Peggy...
Copy !req
976. They never said there was a limit
on how much food we can make.
Copy !req
977. God, it stinks in here.
Copy !req
978. Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say,
you were looking pretty hot tonight.
Copy !req
979. Shut up! Literally nobody
has ever said that to me.
Copy !req
980. Literally!
Copy !req
981. That's a shame. Cause...
Copy !req
982. I think you're fucking sexy.
Copy !req
983. Candace, you are blowing
my mind right now.
Copy !req
984. What do you say we... lock this door,
Copy !req
985. put on some music, grab
a bottle of Everclear and...
Copy !req
986. Candace, I'm gonna stop
you right there...
Copy !req
987. I don't stick my fingers in crazy.
Copy !req
988. What?
Copy !req
989. It's my one rule!
Copy !req
990. Don't get me wrong, Candace,
you're a very attractive woman.
Copy !req
991. And I'd be lying if
I said I wasn't flattered...
Copy !req
992. But I know where this road leads, and it's
not a place where either of us would feel—
Copy !req
993. What the fuck is wrong with
everyone on this spaceship?
Copy !req
994. Hey, there... Wimmy, right?
Copy !req
995. Shhh.
Copy !req
996. O-kay?
Copy !req
997. Hi, Candace. I was just
talking to my best friend.
Copy !req
998. Who's your best friend?
Copy !req
999. - This is so fucking hard.
Copy !req
1000. What say you and I... have a little drink?
Copy !req
1001. Let me stop you right there.
Copy !req
1002. I do not imbibe.
Copy !req
1003. But I am happy to provide
some nonjudgmental company,
Copy !req
1004. while you poison your brain and
jeopardize your soul with alcohol.
Copy !req
1005. Ah-hah. You're funny.
Copy !req
1006. Listen, Wimmy.
You're a man with needs.
Copy !req
1007. I'm a woman with needs.
Copy !req
1008. What do you say
we help each other out?
Copy !req
1009. - What? No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1010. I am taken!
Here's the Tilliams clan right here.
Copy !req
1011. - Ah! What?
Copy !req
1012. Candace! We just adulter-ied.
I adulter-ied!
Copy !req
1013. I just betrayed my wife and children!
Copy !req
1014. I'm sorry. I just don't know
what's going on with me.
Copy !req
1015. This whole thing with me
and Kyle has me...
Copy !req
1016. feel like I'm losing my mind!
Copy !req
1017. I'm not usually like this, I swear.
Copy !req
1018. Okay, well...
Copy !req
1019. The Lord has everything
happen for a reason.
Copy !req
1020. So, uh, maybe He can...
Copy !req
1021. use this as a teachable moment!
Copy !req
1022. Okay, John 3:16 says,
Copy !req
1023. "For God so loved the Earth
that He gave His only begotten Son."
Copy !req
1024. Yeah, but... Wimmy, we're not on Earth.
Copy !req
1025. - Well, it says Earth...
- but it means the whole solar system.
Copy !req
1026. Well, why would he say
"Earth" if he meant "solar system?"
Copy !req
1027. - Candace...
Copy !req
1028. Well, way back when this was written,
Copy !req
1029. God probably had no idea that in the
future, man would make it to other planets.
Copy !req
1030. Well, I-I mean, He knew...
Copy !req
1031. He just had... He had to know,
He just probably didn't... I mean...
Copy !req
1032. Hold on.
Copy !req
1033. Hey, hey, I mean, I get it guys.
Copy !req
1034. In high school I wasn't
the most popular guy either.
Copy !req
1035. I-I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18.
Copy !req
1036. - 18? 18?
Copy !req
1037. That's not nerdy. That's cool!
Copy !req
1038. - No, I didn't... I didn't mean 18.
- It wasn't 18. Uh...
Copy !req
1039. I don't... I don't know why
I said that. It was way later.
Copy !req
1040. - It was like, like 20.
- 20?
Copy !req
1041. nine. Twenty-nine. I was 29.
Copy !req
1042. - Oh, okay.
- That's pretty lame, I guess.
Copy !req
1043. I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.
Copy !req
1044. I didn't, but I could've.
Copy !req
1045. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. You... You kissed a girl at 28?
Copy !req
1046. Are you sure I'm not talking to
a couple of cools right now?
Copy !req
1047. Yeah, right. Get outta here.
Copy !req
1048. You don't really think that.
Copy !req
1049. Oh, I don't know. I'm getting some real cool
vibes coming through this monitor right now.
Copy !req
1050. Shut up...
Copy !req
1051. You know what would
be really cool, though?
Copy !req
1052. If you guys could help me figure out
how to fly this thing back home.
Copy !req
1053. - [Chuckles, sniff]
- Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
Copy !req
1054. Hahaha, that's right!
Copy !req
1055. Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy...
Copy !req
1056. But I think if we all keep our cool...
Copy !req
1057. we'll be able to walk you through it.
Copy !req
1058. First thing you're gonna need to do is
refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.
Copy !req
1059. Kyle? I'm so sorry. Can we talk?
Copy !req
1060. Just... Just... Just a minute, Candace?
Copy !req
1061. The Mission Control guys
are helping us get home.
Copy !req
1062. All right, now, to do this,
you'll need to divert
Copy !req
1063. the fuel from the station's resting
generators to the ship's return tank.
Copy !req
1064. Okay. Resting generators, got it.
Copy !req
1065. I cheated on you with Wimmy.
Copy !req
1066. With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird!
Copy !req
1067. Okay... Okay, all right, look, Candace?
Copy !req
1068. That is really shitty,
and we will have to talk about that,
Copy !req
1069. but I-I gotta do this right now.
Copy !req
1070. This is what I'm talking about!
Copy !req
1071. I travel all the way through space
to get to Mars to talk to you,
Copy !req
1072. and all you do is ignore me!
Copy !req
1073. Guys, is this resting generator
thing an outside kinda deal,
Copy !req
1074. or is this somewhere in the ship here?
Copy !req
1075. - That is outside of the ship.
- Right on the underside of the central pod.
Copy !req
1076. - Hi-yah...!
- Candace, no!
Copy !req
1077. Two years of my life, Kyle!
Copy !req
1078. My two best years! Wasted with you!
Copy !req
1079. Candace, stop!
Copy !req
1080. Oh my God...
Copy !req
1081. I could have married Brian Delaney!
Copy !req
1082. Candace! You broke the air thing!
Copy !req
1083. - Well, now we're even!
- Because you broke my heart!
Copy !req
1084. - No, no, no!
- You broke the fucking air thing!
Copy !req
1085. "The meek shall inherit the Earth!"
Copy !req
1086. "The Earth is filled with the
steadfast love of the Lord."
Copy !req
1087. "The Earth is the Lord's
and the fullness thereof!"
Copy !req
1088. The thing! Sh-She
fucking broke the thing!
Copy !req
1089. We're gonna die!
Copy !req
1090. Do you want to play
Future Tennis with me?
Copy !req
1091. - Todd! I-I don't know how to...
- to fix the container and I saw her do it!
Copy !req
1092. She threw th-the thing and then it made
th-the thing punch right through it!
Copy !req
1093. We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!
Copy !req
1094. What're you talking about?
Copy !req
1095. We're gonna die, man!
Copy !req
1096. And why do you think we're dying?
Copy !req
1097. - Because I saw the fucking air!
- Our air is sucked out into outer space!
Copy !req
1098. Okay, and how did that happen?
Copy !req
1099. Because this... bitch—!
Copy !req
1100. - Hey...!
- Woah...!
Copy !req
1101. No! No! Do not judge me
until I have finished my sentence,
Copy !req
1102. because then, you will
see, that she has murdered you!
Copy !req
1103. And she has murdered you!
And she has murdered me!
Copy !req
1104. And she has also committed suicide!
Copy !req
1105. And killed Wimmy.
Where... Where's Wimmy?
Copy !req
1106. - There is no God here.
- We abandoned Him when we left the Earth!
Copy !req
1107. He has no jurisdiction up here.
Copy !req
1108. The red planet is the planet of...
the Devil!
Copy !req
1109. Okay, first of all,
I'm gonna apologize to the room.
Copy !req
1110. Uh... I lost my cool there. I said
some things that didn't need to be said,
Copy !req
1111. and it's important for a leader
to be calm and collected.
Copy !req
1112. - What?
Copy !req
1113. What?
Copy !req
1114. Dude, you are amazing.
Copy !req
1115. Hey, can you say that part about
you being the leader again?
Copy !req
1116. Kyle, do you want to play
Future Tennis with me?
Copy !req
1117. Kyle hates Future Tennis.
Copy !req
1118. He thinks it's a game that makes the person
you claimed to have loved for two years,
Copy !req
1119. come and see you after you
tried to run away from them.
Copy !req
1120. - Okay, Candace? Could we...
- Could we try and stay focused? Please?
Copy !req
1121. Life threatening situation here.
Ring a bell?
Copy !req
1122. You threw a fit, now we're fucked?
Copy !req
1123. We're fucked?
Copy !req
1124. Yes, we're fucked!
Copy !req
1125. We're not fucked.
Copy !req
1126. We still have a perfectly good spaceship
sitting right over there that can take us home.
Copy !req
1127. No, the nerds said that there's all this
complicated stuff we have to do.
Copy !req
1128. Let... Let me guess what they said.
Copy !req
1129. We have to refuel? Fill up the gas tank?
Copy !req
1130. They, yea- well, they said "fuel reserve."
Copy !req
1131. Uh-huh. I'm guessing
their plan involves something like
Copy !req
1132. diverting the fuel from the station's
generators into the ship's reserve?
Copy !req
1133. Probably some sort of exterior switch
and a transfer hose we need to connect?
Copy !req
1134. Wait a minute...
Copy !req
1135. O-Okay, I don't want to offend
you right now, but...
Copy !req
1136. are you smart?
Copy !req
1137. "Uh, I don't want to
offend you, but are you smart?"
Copy !req
1138. Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
Copy !req
1139. Candace and Wimmy are very crazy
and Peggy... is also very crazy.
Copy !req
1140. Y-You seem, in a weird
way, not to be crazy.
Copy !req
1141. Do you think that you can
help me fix this ship?
Copy !req
1142. Uh, I think it will be more like you helping
me fix the ship, and... also, I don't need that.
Copy !req
1143. I find that to be very encouraging.
Copy !req
1144. Hey there, lust muffin.
Copy !req
1145. The fuck did you just say?
Copy !req
1146. - Guess what?
- What?
Copy !req
1147. Turns out you were right
about Satan ruling Mars.
Copy !req
1148. - I didn't say anything about—
- I should have seen it earlier!
Copy !req
1149. It was right in front of my... damn face.
Copy !req
1150. Pardon my French. I swear now.
Copy !req
1151. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1152. I was just in my room
indulging my own flesh.
Copy !req
1153. Treatin' my body like a damn playground.
Copy !req
1154. What is that?
Copy !req
1155. - Playing with my private parts?
- Outside of marriage.
Copy !req
1156. And I don't give a sh-sh— damn!
Copy !req
1157. And guess what? I loved it.
Copy !req
1158. Now I get what all the fuss is about.
Copy !req
1159. Why are you telling me all this?
Copy !req
1160. I'm here to take you up on your offer.
Copy !req
1161. I want to do every damn thing.
Copy !req
1162. - Fuck it.
Copy !req
1163. These suits are pretty cool.
Copy !req
1164. We just actually became the first
two people to ever set foot on Mars.
Copy !req
1165. Isn't that kinda crazy?
Copy !req
1166. I mean, it is to me, a little bit, I mean...
Copy !req
1167. That's a big... That's a big deal.
Copy !req
1168. Oh Todd, be careful!
Copy !req
1169. Oh, is that the hose we need?
Copy !req
1170. Oh, good!
Copy !req
1171. Hey, how do you know
how to do all this stuff?
Copy !req
1172. You seem really confident.
Copy !req
1173. I don't know anything mechanical.
Copy !req
1174. I was an indoor kid, heh!
Copy !req
1175. I can't even change a flat.
Copy !req
1176. Did that fix it? Is it fixed?
Copy !req
1177. If you want to talk to me you
have to press this button.
Copy !req
1178. - [Click, beep]
- Yeah, I-I wasn't talking.
Copy !req
1179. I can't.
Copy !req
1180. It won't go in. It keeps bending.
Copy !req
1181. Maybe your butthole's broken?
Copy !req
1182. My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
Copy !req
1183. You have to be hard.
Copy !req
1184. - I'm pretty hard.
- It just keeps bending though.
Copy !req
1185. Candace, you need to relax
more so I can stuff it in.
Copy !req
1186. There, I just got it in!
Copy !req
1187. I'm in. We're having sodomy. Wow.
Copy !req
1188. You're not in.
Copy !req
1189. No, you're right. It's out again... Damn.
Copy !req
1190. - I-I gotta say, Todd...
- I am pretty impressed.
Copy !req
1191. Oh, great, I impressed Kyle,
that means a lot.
Copy !req
1192. When I get home, everyone will be like,
"Hey, Todd, how was Mars?"
Copy !req
1193. I'll be like, "It was okay, but the real cool thing
is while I was up there, I impressed some idiot!"
Copy !req
1194. Dude. What is the deal?
Copy !req
1195. What?
Copy !req
1196. What is with the negativity, man?
Copy !req
1197. What is your issue with me? Seriously?
Copy !req
1198. - Seriously?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1199. I don't like the way you treat women.
Copy !req
1200. - I'm sorry, excuse me?
- The way I treat women?
Copy !req
1201. Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
Did I throw a monitor at her head?
Copy !req
1202. It just... didn't really sit well with me, the
way you were throwing around the B-word back there.
Copy !req
1203. She is so mean to me!
Copy !req
1204. She's been treating me
like this for two years,
Copy !req
1205. and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
and she's ruined my life!
Copy !req
1206. - She "ruined your life?"
- She came all the way up to Mars for you.
Copy !req
1207. She is crazy.
Copy !req
1208. Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
Copy !req
1209. Look, you're obviously not really
committed to your relationship,
Copy !req
1210. and you've just been stringing her along
instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
Copy !req
1211. What? Marry her?
Copy !req
1212. No. Break up with her.
Copy !req
1213. Let her go find someone who will
actually give a shit about her.
Copy !req
1214. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go fix the ship.
Copy !req
1215. Wimmy Tilliams is my name
and sinning is my new game.
Copy !req
1216. If committing adultery felt that good,
Copy !req
1217. I can't imagine how good it must
feel to sin even harder.
Copy !req
1218. Hey there, handsome... devil.
Copy !req
1219. Oh, shit, I'm singing with
my eyes closed again, fuck-
Copy !req
1220. I just don't understand
what you want from me!
Copy !req
1221. Stop trying to make me
the bad guy here.
Copy !req
1222. Stop acting like one.
Copy !req
1223. Uh, okay, so, sorry about that.
Copy !req
1224. Uh, y-you missed a couple things. Basically what
happened was, while Todd finished fixing the ship,
Copy !req
1225. Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that... that stuff that
Todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her.
Copy !req
1226. But, he... He still didn't really have
the balls to tell her how he honestly felt,
Copy !req
1227. so, she's still confused and unhappy,
so she got all pissed.
Copy !req
1228. And then... he got all defensive
and it was a pretty good scene.
Copy !req
1229. I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle.
Copy !req
1230. Either love me, or let me go.
Copy !req
1231. - Look, I...
- I really do care about you but... but I...
Copy !req
1232. Well, by my calculations,
we got ten minutes of air left.
Copy !req
1233. So let's do this thing.
Copy !req
1234. Had to do some jerry-rigging
on the ignition system,
Copy !req
1235. but this cord should pull enough juice from
the main comm board for us to blast off.
Copy !req
1236. Holy shit, dude, I am
so glad you're smart.
Copy !req
1237. All right, that's it.
Copy !req
1238. Mars sucked, fuck it, let's go home.
Copy !req
1239. And if the fat, nerdy bible guy
wants to come with us,
Copy !req
1240. he better hurry his ass up,
wherever he is.
Copy !req
1241. - Die...!
Copy !req
1242. What the fuck...?
Copy !req
1243. - Ahhh!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
1244. Wimmy, what the fuck?
Copy !req
1245. That was a big sin... and Wimmy likey.
Copy !req
1246. Wimmy likey a lot.
Copy !req
1247. Oh my God!
Copy !req
1248. There is no God up here, Kyle.
Copy !req
1249. I have abandoned the way of the Lamb.
Copy !req
1250. I now worship... the Goat.
Copy !req
1251. The Dark One demands more sacrifices.
Copy !req
1252. More blood for Satan!
Copy !req
1253. - Guys, get in the ship!
- Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!
Copy !req
1254. - What?
- Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!
Copy !req
1255. - Todd, let's go!
- Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!
Copy !req
1256. Peggy! Candace! Get in the ship,
we gotta get outta here!
Copy !req
1257. Heavy metal music! Nudity! Democrats!
Copy !req
1258. - Look, look, Wimmy. A cross!
Copy !req
1259. Jesus? Remember how much
you like your buddy Jesus?
Copy !req
1260. - Ooh!
Copy !req
1261. - We're in, we made it.
- We're all here, ah...
Copy !req
1262. Well, Todd's dead.
Copy !req
1263. Right, yeah, that's uh... Right, yeah.
Copy !req
1264. That... That's... That's too bad.
Copy !req
1265. And Elron died.
Copy !req
1266. Shit, right, yeah, he... He also died.
Copy !req
1267. And, I'm assuming Wimmy
won't survive when we leave.
Copy !req
1268. Well, that's...
Copy !req
1269. Well, I mean, fuck him, right?
Copy !req
1270. Come on, let's just get outta here.
Copy !req
1271. Suck my dick, Mars.
Copy !req
1272. - [Click, beep]
- Ignition in ten...
Copy !req
1273. Nine...
Copy !req
1274. Eight...
Copy !req
1275. - Seven...
- Oh good! Wimmy's better.
Copy !req
1276. - Six...
- What?
Copy !req
1277. Five...
Copy !req
1278. Four...
Copy !req
1279. Thre-e-e...
Copy !req
1280. What's happening?
Copy !req
1281. - Why aren't we going?
- Where's "two?" Where's "one?"
Copy !req
1282. Face me!
Copy !req
1283. Face your fears...!
Copy !req
1284. Ugh...
Copy !req
1285. This fucking guy is ridiculous...
Copy !req
1286. Fuck.
Copy !req
1287. What?
Copy !req
1288. Goodbye, Candace.
Copy !req
1289. No!
Copy !req
1290. You are not doing this again!
Copy !req
1291. Candace, I am not
running away from you.
Copy !req
1292. I-I just...
Copy !req
1293. I don't love you.
Copy !req
1294. And, maybe I just realized that myself,
but I also know that you...
Copy !req
1295. You deserve someone that does.
Copy !req
1296. Ooh! A challenger!
Copy !req
1297. Wimmy, get away from the cord.
Copy !req
1298. In this corner, fighting
for the side of Satan...!
Copy !req
1299. Wimmy Tilliams!
Copy !req
1300. Jesus Christ...
Copy !req
1301. And fighting for the side
of his precious Jesus Christ:
Copy !req
1302. Kyle!
Copy !req
1303. Wimmy, I'm just gonna step over there,
and I'm gonna pick up the cord—
Copy !req
1304. MORTAL KOMBAT!
Copy !req
1305. Fitting, isn't it?
Copy !req
1306. That it would end up the two of us!
Copy !req
1307. Locked in battle—!
Copy !req
1308. Ow...!
Copy !req
1309. Again?
Copy !req
1310. Unbelievable...
Copy !req
1311. Aha!
Copy !req
1312. Ah...!
Copy !req
1313. Kyle!
Copy !req
1314. He fuckin' bit me!
Copy !req
1315. I'm sorry...
Copy !req
1316. Agh...!
Copy !req
1317. What the fuck...?
Copy !req
1318. - Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up?
- What's up? What's going on man? What's up?
Copy !req
1319. Cooter! God! Where the hell
have you been for the last two weeks?
Copy !req
1320. Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots
of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
Copy !req
1321. - Well, I got a huge problem, man.
- The wedding is today.
Copy !req
1322. - I know that! I know that, man.
- I'm on my way there right now.
Copy !req
1323. Twinks! To the car!
Copy !req
1324. Okay, twinks! Listen the fuck up!
Copy !req
1325. Kyle needs us!
We're gonna do this the right way!
Copy !req
1326. When we hit the church,
I want two twinks stationed at the rear,
Copy !req
1327. I want two twinks stationed on the roof,
Copy !req
1328. and I want three twinks
on me at all times.
Copy !req
1329. If this thing goes how I think it's gonna
go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
Copy !req
1330. - Twinks! Dig a hole!
Copy !req
1331. - This is bad, guys!
- This is really, really bad!
Copy !req
1332. We need to lay low till first light,
then torch the car.
Copy !req
1333. We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to
the state line before the dogs find that body.
Copy !req
1334. I feel good, twinks.
Copy !req
1335. I feel really, really good.
Copy !req
1336. The world is ours!
Copy !req
1337. [TV] One more, in fact...
Copy !req
1338. Turn. That. Up!
Copy !req
1339. [TV] We couldn't believe it ourselves.
Copy !req
1340. Just this afternoon, a young
Candace Simpson has left our planet
Copy !req
1341. to join her fiancé,
Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
Copy !req
1342. Elron Branson approved
the use of the last remaining supply pod
Copy !req
1343. releasing a statement saying,
"Nothing is more important than true love."
Copy !req
1344. - What in the fuck?
Copy !req
1345. - Why would they send Candace up?
- What's their angle?
Copy !req
1346. I'm not buying this "true love"
horse shit for one second!
Copy !req
1347. But who benefits?
Copy !req
1348. Sending a young lady 35 million miles
to visit her boyfriend doesn't float!
Copy !req
1349. We need to follow the money!
Copy !req
1350. - Hrk!
- Ack!
Copy !req
1351. It's just a bunch of contracts for product
placement and deposits from investors.
Copy !req
1352. That doesn't explain why
they'd send Candace up!
Copy !req
1353. Hittin' a brick wall here.
Copy !req
1354. Think, Cooter! Think!
Copy !req
1355. I need more meth.
Copy !req
1356. Of course!
Copy !req
1357. Elron Branson took $12 million from different investors
to showcase their products on his space station!
Copy !req
1358. That's a lot of fuckin' money for
a passing mention on the news!
Copy !req
1359. My mind is a fuckin' razor blade!
I can see in-between time!
Copy !req
1360. Only half of the sponsors are
paying for the product placement.
Copy !req
1361. The others get a free ride because they're
shell companies for whoever's really in charge!
Copy !req
1362. But who?
Copy !req
1363. What do these products
have in common?
Copy !req
1364. They range from everything between home
appliances and pizza delivery services.
Copy !req
1365. I got three large thick crust
pepperoni and sausages for a...
Copy !req
1366. "Dopey Twink?"
Copy !req
1367. Who do you work for?
Copy !req
1368. I told you! Papanero's Pizza!
Copy !req
1369. Wrong answer!
Copy !req
1370. Please stop! Please stop...! Please!
Copy !req
1371. I'm just trying to pay off
my student loans, man!
Copy !req
1372. You ever wanna see the light of
day again, you better start talkin'!
Copy !req
1373. Take us up the chain!
Copy !req
1374. You're gonna have to
speak to my manager!
Copy !req
1375. Lucy...!
Copy !req
1376. I'm home...!
Copy !req
1377. - What the hell is going on?
- Daddy! Help us!
Copy !req
1378. - No, no!
Copy !req
1379. Don't worry, Kyle!
Copy !req
1380. I'll kill as many people as I have to
to get you back on Earth!
Copy !req
1381. You recognize this piece of shit?
Copy !req
1382. I'm sorry, Mr. Keppler!
Copy !req
1383. They cut my fucking toe off!
Copy !req
1384. Oh, that's right!
Copy !req
1385. You fucked with the wrong
people this time.
Copy !req
1386. I don't know what's going on! Please!
Copy !req
1387. The ants are gonna
come in the morning, bitch!
Copy !req
1388. Chomp chomp!
Copy !req
1389. Chomp chomp.
Copy !req
1390. I told you all I know! Our parent
company is Technological Human Electronic
Copy !req
1391. Household Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber
Anthropomorphic Utility Systems Treatment
Copy !req
1392. Worldwide Analytic Software—
Copy !req
1393. - T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S.
- G.R.E.A.T.L.Y. E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D.!
Copy !req
1394. They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
Copy !req
1395. Branson didn't have the
scratch to pay for the mission himself,
Copy !req
1396. so he links up with this company and promises them
the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
Copy !req
1397. Now he just needs people to tune in.
Copy !req
1398. Candace shows up at the launchpad and
they're like, "Shit! This'll be some drama!
Copy !req
1399. Let's send her up so
people watch the fireworks!"
Copy !req
1400. But now you're telling me that there's
no way the design of that ship
Copy !req
1401. would be able to withstand the
radiation from the Van Allen Belt?
Copy !req
1402. Yes! I-I worked in aerospace
engineering for 35 years.
Copy !req
1403. Please don't kill me!
Oh, God, don't kill me...
Copy !req
1404. Listen to this...
Copy !req
1405. Billionaire philanthropist Elron
Branson was killed today in a tragic accident
Copy !req
1406. aboard the Mars Enterprise space station.
Copy !req
1407. Bull-fucking-shit he was.
Copy !req
1408. There's your 24/7 fucking permanent paid
fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
Copy !req
1409. Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.
Copy !req
1410. There's their headquarters, and
I'll bet you all the meth in the world
Copy !req
1411. that they're doing more than
making home appliances in there.
Copy !req
1412. Ah-ha! Skinheads! I knew it!
All this time I thought
Copy !req
1413. T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S. G.R.E.A.T.L.Y
E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D. was just a hilarious name.
Copy !req
1414. Now I see it's something darker.
Copy !req
1415. It's a fucking front
for a White Power group. Of course!
Copy !req
1416. Ugh! My mind is moving in
hyperspace, man.
Copy !req
1417. They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products
and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
Copy !req
1418. They think it'll show people how
a one race world would be a utopia!
Copy !req
1419. Then with all the profits from their product
placements, they'll send up more and more people!
Copy !req
1420. I so horny...
Copy !req
1421. Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
Copy !req
1422. But we have some Nazis to kill.
Copy !req
1423. Here we go, twinks! The entire
energy of the universe is within us!
Copy !req
1424. What in the fuck...?
Copy !req
1425. Twinks!
Copy !req
1426. That's the fucking space ship!
Copy !req
1427. They never went to fucking Mars!
Copy !req
1428. Branson and the fucking Nazis knew
they couldn't get a hotel up there.
Copy !req
1429. The whole thing was a giant scam!
Copy !req
1430. Branson steals billions from investors,
Copy !req
1431. then that phony fucker fakes his own death
and makes off with the cash!
Copy !req
1432. Then these skinhead pieces
of shit use the accident
Copy !req
1433. to get the whole world watching their
bullshit, racist, white utopia propaganda,
Copy !req
1434. while getting rich selling their
fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
Copy !req
1435. It's almost too simple...
Copy !req
1436. Huh?
Copy !req
1437. - The station is wrecked.
- How am I breathing?
Copy !req
1438. God...?
Copy !req
1439. Oh no, what have I done?
Copy !req
1440. Forgive me, Lord!
Copy !req
1441. Jesus?
Copy !req
1442. Cooter?
Copy !req
1443. Kyle! What's up, man?
Copy !req
1444. What the fuck? What is hap-
How are you on Mars?
Copy !req
1445. You never went to Mars.
Copy !req
1446. You're in a warehouse
thirty miles south of Carlin, Nevada.
Copy !req
1447. The fucking Nazis used you for their
sick white supremacy utopia commercial.
Copy !req
1448. What're you talking about?
Copy !req
1449. I had to beat the living shit out
of a pizza boy to figure it out.
Copy !req
1450. But it's all right now.
Copy !req
1451. Mister Cotter! Skinheads!
Copy !req
1452. - Someone tell me what is happening.
Copy !req
1453. Shit's starting to get fun.
Copy !req
1454. Twinks!
Copy !req
1455. Light 'em up.
Copy !req
1456. Bashful! I'm out of ammo!
Copy !req
1457. Throw me another clip!
Copy !req
1458. Okay, Mister Cooter—!
Copy !req
1459. Bashful...!
Copy !req
1460. 367 people were killed today in a
firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.
Copy !req
1461. A horrific scene that lead
authorities to discover
Copy !req
1462. Sir Elron Branson's entire
Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
Copy !req
1463. Details are still unfolding,
but from what we can tell,
Copy !req
1464. the now disgraced billionaire
had elaborately faked his own death
Copy !req
1465. with the help of a white supremacist
home appliance company,
Copy !req
1466. in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money,
and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
Copy !req
1467. Here we see the footage of Sir Elron Branson
being taken into custody earlier this evening.
Copy !req
1468. The four surviving astronauts are finally being
reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.
Copy !req
1469. - Uh, hey guys.
- Had sort of a, uh... crazy trip, heheh.
Copy !req
1470. And I have to go to jail now.
Copy !req
1471. - That's all the time we have tonight.
- Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,
Copy !req
1472. who's gonna be playing "Guess Who?" with
that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
Copy !req
1473. Hey... How'd it go? Um...
Copy !req
1474. Wh-What kinda stuff are they asking?
Copy !req
1475. Just like... what happened,
when Wimmy went crazy, and stuff like that.
Copy !req
1476. Oh, okay. Um...
Copy !req
1477. Are you doing all right?
Copy !req
1478. Yeah.
Copy !req
1479. I'm still... shaken up a bit, but... yeah.
Copy !req
1480. So, I guess...
Copy !req
1481. This is... it.
Copy !req
1482. Yeah, I-I guess so.
Copy !req
1483. So, what are you going to do now?
Copy !req
1484. Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
Copy !req
1485. Oh, no. No.
Copy !req
1486. Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
He killed like... hundreds of people.
Copy !req
1487. Yeah, but it was kind of in self defense.
Copy !req
1488. N-No, no, no, before that,
Copy !req
1489. he killed like nine people or something
in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
Copy !req
1490. I think, like, two of them were children.
Copy !req
1491. Oh my God...!
Copy !req
1492. Yeah... heh, yeah.
Copy !req
1493. Are you going to... visit him in prison?
Copy !req
1494. Um... I... don't think so.
Copy !req
1495. Well...
Copy !req
1496. See you around.
Copy !req
1497. Hey, Candace, um...
Copy !req
1498. I'm sorry that I hurt you.
Copy !req
1499. I really am.
Copy !req
1500. I know.
Copy !req
1501. And someday...
Copy !req
1502. I'll be okay with it.
Copy !req
1503. Hey, Elron!
Copy !req
1504. Oh... Hey, Kyle.
Copy !req
1505. Uh... How's it going?
Copy !req
1506. - So, is it true?
- It was all a hoax from the beginning?
Copy !req
1507. Yep. Pretty much...
Copy !req
1508. I thought if I made a deal
with those white nationalists,
Copy !req
1509. I could finally fake my death
and disappear with a ton of money.
Copy !req
1510. - Dude, I just don't get it.
- You were already rich.
Copy !req
1511. I mean, you had everything.
Copy !req
1512. Why would you want
to fake your own death?
Copy !req
1513. Well...
Copy !req
1514. I have this fiancée who just
absolutely smothers me.
Copy !req
1515. Kyle Capshaw?
Copy !req
1516. And then Cooter just kept
laughing and shooting the corpses
Copy !req
1517. until they just sort of, like... jellified.
Copy !req
1518. Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
Copy !req
1519. I gotta say, this is kind of a
godsend for us here at NASA.
Copy !req
1520. What do you mean? How so?
Copy !req
1521. Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to
get the federal government to give us our funding back.
Copy !req
1522. What happened to you is a perfect example
of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
Copy !req
1523. We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every
talk show in the country telling this story.
Copy !req
1524. Peggy?
Copy !req
1525. Yeah. She's gonna be a national hero.
Copy !req
1526. We're gonna make her
the new face of NASA.
Copy !req
1527. Neil Armstrong can suck
my fucking nuts.
Copy !req
1528. We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
Copy !req
1529. Uh... That's cool, but...
Copy !req
1530. What about me? I mean, I...
actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
Copy !req
1531. Yeah... the thing is, uh...
Copy !req
1532. Peggy more represents the
image we want out there,
Copy !req
1533. for NASA.
Copy !req
1534. - Are you fucking kidding me?
- Cause she's...
Copy !req
1535. I mean, she's, like...
Copy !req
1536. Look, I think that she's
mentally handicapped.
Copy !req
1537. - Oh, come on...
- Ooh...
Copy !req
1538. The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon
needs to project a certain...
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1539. essence of American values
and... wholesomeness.
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1540. What are you trying to say?
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1541. Everybody's seen the doll video.
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1542. What doll video?
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1543. Sandy?
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1544. What do you mean...
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1545. "everybody's seen the video?"
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1546. They played it on the news pretty often
while you guys were trapped up there.
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1547. Or, uh, pfft, down here.
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1548. Trapped down here.
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1549. We just can't have a doll licker
be the face of the National Space Agency.
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1550. You understand.
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1551. Well, the stranded Martian
passengers are stranded no more.
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1552. And we know of one little porcelain doll who's
probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
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1553. Oh, great.
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1554. I think that's the guy from
the news that licks dolls.
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1555. [TV] And the Peggy Bork
national press tour continues.
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1556. This morning she was seen playing the xylophone
with Michael Strahan on The Today Show.
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1557. And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling
has been making romantic advances.
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1558. Is it too early to start talking about
a new Hollywood power couple?
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1559. Those two are hot.
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1560. I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
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1561. Well, it looks like it's
just you and me, Sandy.
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1562. From here on out, I have no
idea what's gonna happen.
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1563. Oh? Heheh...
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1564. C'mere, you...
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