Mars (2026)

1. We just got hit by a shitload of asteroids, sir!

2. Ah, rear thrusters are out!

3. Turn the force field up to 1000%!

4. This is gonna be close!

5. I just shit my space pants!

6. Put the wheels down!

7. We're about to land on Mars...!

8. - I can't breathe! There's no air!

9. We were fools to come here!

10. Fools!

11. Remember your training, men!

12. What's happening to me?

13. My eyes...!

14. Gerald! No!

15. He just got married! Agh...!

16. Now it's happening to me!

17. Our suits are malfunctioning!

18. Fight it!

19. Fight it, Carl!

20. No...!

21. His wife just had a baby!

22. Why, God?

23. Ho-ly shi...!

24. Pretty terrible, isn't it?

25. This is what it would have been like if we'd attempted

26. to travel to Mars only seven years ago.

27. That was a mercy kill.

28. Yup, it's true.

29. Space travel was pretty grim stuff back when big government was running the game.

30. But now that space exploration has been privatized,

31. soon space travel will be like this.

32. I was just playing Future Tennis on the Holocourt.

33. When do we land?

34. We just did, sir.

35. Ha! Hot damn, I didn't feel a thing.

36. - Welcome to Mars. More space champagne?

37. We're taking applications now to be part of our maiden voyage.

38. So blast off from your mundane world and spend your life among the stars.

39. [Voice-over] The voyage begins one month from now, so send your applications today!

40. Okay, little Davey.

41. I'm just gonna need you to open real big for me.

42. Don't need to scream.

43. No, no, this is just a mirror.

44. Okay, just a sec.

45. This can't hurt you.

46. How's my future son-in-law doing?

47. I'm doing just great, Dr. Simpson.

48. - I got you something! Open it!

49. Uh, well, I'm sort of in the middle of...

50. Open it...!

51. Oh-kay.

52. It's a VHS copy of the movie Son In Law.

53. Fitting, huh?

54. Right, because I'm marrying your daughter, yes.

55. - Pop it in real quick! - I want to show you a scene.

56. Yeah, I don't think we have a VCR here.

57. Oh, Goddamn it!

58. Oh, okay, well uh, there's this scene...

59. where they're at a concert in this bar...

60. and Pauly Shore is like...

61. "It's the weasel, buuuddy!"

62. - Y'know what? Y'know what? - I'll watch it when I get home tonight.

63. Ooh ooh! Will you call me when you get to that scene?

64. Uh, y'know, I probably won't, but we can talk about it tomorrow when I get in.

65. Okay?

66. Oh, okay, yeah yeah yeah.

67. We'll talk about it in the morning when you get in.

68. Y'know, maybe I should get back to him?

69. He's having, uh, a real tough time here.

70. 'Course he is. Kids hate the dentist.

71. Everyone does, actually.

72. Every single person we see, this is the worst day of their whole year.

73. That's why the suicide rates are so high for us.

74. Okay, uh, well if you're gonna be doing that,

75. I think it's time for little Davey to go out to see his mom.

76. Okay, w-we'll schedule a follow-up, buddy.

77. - Here you go, sport.

78. Have a sucker.

79. You know why I always give 'em a sucker?

80. Gets them addicted to sugar.

81. Rots their teeth.

82. Keeps them coming back.

83. We keep drilling their faces.

84. The more faces we drill...

85. the more money we get.

86. I understand.

87. We take that money, and we buy things with it.

88. Uh-huh, I got that part.

89. The things we buy make us more attractive to women.

90. Naturally, sir.

91. If they're attracted to us...

92. then we can have sex with them!

93. Yeah, y-you don't need to keep explaining. Um...

94. And when we have sex with them, we can achieve orgasm.

95. - Uh, how far is this gonna go?

96. And when we orgasm—

97. our brains release serotonin, which gives us a sense of well being.

98. Which helps with the whole suicide thing.

99. Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and bring in the next patient.

100. Okay gang, next up is...

101. Katie Sheldon.

102. I would suck a dick.

103. I-I would literally suck a man's dick to have your life.

104. Okay, thank you, Cooter.

105. Do you hear the words that I'm saying?

106. I'm telling you— Hey, hey, look at me.

107. I'm telling you, I would blow a man.

108. I would blow an adult man for your life.

109. - Do you hear me? - Yeah, I hear you, Cooter.

110. My friend here is engaged to the hottest girl in town,

111. and her old man is just giving him his dental practice when he retires.

112. I mean... Hello? Whose dick did you suck in another life to get dealt this hand?

113. Cause I want to meet this dick and I want to suck it!

114. Cooter, trust me, my life is not that great.

115. What are you talking about?

116. You ever look at your life,

117. and you know exactly how it's going to go... all the way down?

118. No.

119. There are literally no important decisions left for me.

120. I will get the dental practice,

121. where I will drill little kids' faces until I am 65 years old.

122. I am going to marry Candace.

123. Those things are going to happen.

124. We will probably have two children,

125. and we'll work every day to make our mortgage,

126. and we'll scrimp and we'll save to put our kids through college,

127. and then once they're gone, we'll wonder where all the time went.

128. And then we'll live as strangers in the same house until one of us dies

129. and the other teeters off into dementia.

130. I would suck your dick for that life.

131. I would literally suck your—

132. Dude!

133. Let me suck your dick!

134. - What? - I'm serious.

135. Let's finish our drinks, go into the bathroom, turn our phones off, and I will suck your dick.

136. All right, Cooter, you are drunk and you need to go.

137. Why are you being like this?

138. Cooter, I'm not gay!

139. - What? Neither am I!

140. There's nothing gay about it.

141. Look, I'm trying to do you a solid so you can be like,

142. "Oh! I guess my life's not so bad."

143. "I got a hot fiancée, I got my own business,"

144. "and my best friend's blowing me right now."

145. Why are you so weird when you're drunk?

146. That hurt my feelings.

147. I am going to the bathroom.

148. Hey, Cooter, cool out!

149. - He is cut off. - He's fine.

150. [TV] For the last three weeks, ordinary people across the country

151. have been sending video submissions hoping to be one of the lucky citizens

152. chosen at random to be among the first people to set foot on Mars.

153. And we have our first winner— Wimmy Tilliams.

154. A 34 year-old father of five who teaches Sunday school in Watertown, South Dakota.

155. Wimmy, you just got the big news.

156. How are you feeling today?

157. I'm so excited to be going on an honest-to-God adventure.

158. To take a journey where absolutely anything can happen!

159. Now Wimmy, we ran some quick calculations,

160. and not only will you be one of the first people to ever set foot on Mars,

161. you will also be the fattest astronaut ever in space.

162. Oh. Is that so?

163. By quite a lot.

164. Okay, well, I guess it won't really matter since in space, everyone is weightless.

165. True, true.

166. But you'll still look fat.

167. I'm sorry, is there a question here?

168. Bartender? There's a guy in the bathroom, and he is way out of line.

169. - Hey, I had to go to sleep. - I'm so sorry you had a hard day though.

170. Just make yourself a nice drink and relax.

171. We can talk about things in the morning.

172. Love, Candace.

173. - Ha! - Gah!

174. I tricked you with a note.

175. We're not going to talk about things in the morning.

176. We're going to talk about them now!

177. Oh, no!

178. - Why did you say, "Oh, no?"

179. - No no, no! Don't cry, don't cry. - I didn't mean, "Oh, no..."

180. I just... I was surprised.

181. I'm sorry. With the wedding coming up, I'm just under a lot of pressure.

182. Yeah, it's okay. It's-it's okay.

183. Do you... still love me?

184. Of—yeah, of course I still love you!

185. Do you love me more than anyone in the world?

186. Yes, you know I do.

187. If someone had a gun aimed at me, and your mom, and dad,

188. and you had to pick one person to save...

189. would you pick me?

190. Of course I would, yeah.

191. If we had a baby, and the gunman was either going to shoot me or the baby...

192. - who would you save? - Candace, I don't—

193. - I don't like doing these hypotheticals... - Who would you save?

194. - Well, uh... I would try, and— - and save both of you.

195. No! If you had to pick one!

196. Uh, I-I guess I would save...

197. the baby? Since it hadn't really been able to live any of it's life yet?

198. Oh my God!

199. No, I meant you! I-I would save you.

200. I would jump in front of the bullet so that both you and the baby could live!

201. I didn't know that was an option!

202. Okay, next time I... jump in front of her and the baby. Okay.

203. Ah, fuck me.

204. Fucking stupid old VCR.

205. God damn RCA cords. Knots.

206. This piece of shit Pauly Shore movie. Fucking idiot.

207. [TV] Two more passengers have been selected

208. for billionaire Elron Branson's maiden Mars expedition.

209. The first name is Todd Sullivan.

210. Todd is a middle school math teacher from Fredericksburg, Virginia.

211. Yeah, I signed up for this Mars thing cause my job is working with little kids,

212. and I don't know if you've ever worked with little kids, but they fucking suck.

213. Mr. Todd? I fell down on the slide.

214. - Get the fuck outta here, Jeremy! - I'm playing my game.

215. Anyway...

216. as you can see, with all this shit, I was just like... "Fuck Earth."

217. Whoopsie! None of that was bleeped, sorry about that.

218. The second contestant announced today is Peggy Bork.

219. And what a story she has!

220. Four years ago, in a sleepy town in Missouri,

221. neighbors responded to a terrible smell,

222. and found the decomposing bodies of Harold and Margaret Bork.

223. Locked in their secret basement was their 24 year-old daughter Peggy!

224. Peggy had been shut off from the world since birth.

225. For the last 4 years, Peggy has had to acclimate to the real world.

226. - Car! - No, Peggy!

227. But now, Peggy's world is about to get even bigger.

228. I spent so much of my life trapped in the same place, that sometimes, I didn't even feel alive.

229. You and me both, Peggy.

230. Ever since I've been free,

231. I'm determined to see everything this planet has to offer.

232. That's why... I'm going to Mars!

233. Fascinating story.

234. And I believe there's only one more seat available for the Mars voyage.

235. That's right, the raffle ends tomorrow at midnight, so get those submissions in, people!

236. The spaceship blasts off July 12th.

237. - My name is Kyle Capshaw...

238. and I need to go to Mars.

239. This is it, man!

240. Your last night of freedom!

241. How do you feel?

242. Why did you take me here?

243. Candace said that we couldn't have your bachelor party at a strip club.

244. But she didn't say we couldn't have it at a male strip club.

245. She said "strip clubs."

246. What are you looking at your phone so much for anyway?

247. What? What, do you see guys like this every day?

248. They're about to announce the last passenger for that Mars thing.

249. - Why do you care? - It's not like you signed up for it.

250. - Yeah, no, no, no, no. - I just, uh... you know.

251. I-I-I don't know.

252. You did! Wait, you're getting married in three weeks!

253. How are you gonna go to Mars? What are you thinking?

254. I don't know!

255. What, would you just bail on the wedding?

256. No...!

257. Dude, Candace would fucking kill you if she found out you even applied to that!

258. She didn't even want you to go to female strip clubs

259. but we found a loophole, huh?

260. Well, this isn't really a loophole. I mean, we're still technically disobeying her,

261. it's just less enjoyable...

262. for me.

263. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, me too!

264. Look! The strippers are doing that thing

265. where they dip their dicks in everybody's mouth for like a second!

266. Let me ask you. Do you think it's rude to not participate?

267. Go knock yourself out, Cooter.

268. Uh, what, wh-what is that?

269. It's a hair scrunchie.

270. Why?

271. So they can see your eyes!

272. Okay!

273. This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

274. Drum roll, please.

275. And the final passenger on the first ever manned mission to planet Mars is...

276. Please God, please God, please God, come on...

277. Marty Wagner!

278. - Marty! You just heard the good news.

279. How excited are you?

280. - I didn't sign up! - M-My friend is always playing jokes on me.

281. I thought I was signing a petition to get the trash trucks to come on the weekends!

282. Uh-oh! Well, he got you pretty good this time,

283. cause you're going to Mars!

284. Oh, oh, please, don't make me go.

285. I-I'm horribly agoraphobic. I can't even leave the house!

286. The idea of traveling down the street terrifies me.

287. You can't make me go to Mars!

288. Oh yes we can!

289. No...!

290. Some people are just born lucky, I guess.

291. Kyle! Kyle!

292. Can we borrow $50?

293. - What? No, you can't borrow 50 doll— - Who are all these twinks?

294. I met them in the dick line.

295. This one knows where we can get crystal meth. You want in?

296. No, I'm not gonna lend you 50 bucks to go do meth with twinks.

297. That's okay. We know ways to get $50.

298. - Y'know what? - I think I'm just gonna call it a night.

299. But-But thank you, for the bachelor party.

300. All right. Your loss, man.

301. You've got to be fucking kidding me!

302. - Ah, ah! What's wrong? - Ah! What happened?

303. You're still asleep, on our wedding day!

304. - Did the alarm not go off? - I mean I-I set it.

305. Candace, it's only 7AM.

306. I always dreamed that my future husband would be so excited to marry me,

307. that he wouldn't even be able to sleep the night before the wedding.

308. And you slept fine!

309. I'm sorry I... slept okay.

310. I'm going to take a shower.

311. When I get out, you better be dressed and ready to take me over to the girls.

312. Okay, yeah. S-Sorry again.

313. Okay, so... when it's our anniversary, don't sleep the night before. Okay.

314. incredible late breaking announcement.

315. Marty Wagner, one of the last passengers chosen for the maiden mission,

316. committed suicide this morning.

317. What?

318. Now, we have some very cool footage of the suicide that we're about to show,

319. but we must warn you that it is pretty graphic.

320. I don't want to do this!

321. I love my life! I have children!

322. But I just really can't handle the idea of going to Mars.

323. Please don't make me go!

324. You have to!

325. No...!

326. - Oh my God!

327. - Aw, so cool. I could seriously— - I could watch stuff like that all day.

328. Now, since they only have hours until takeoff this morning,

329. the Mars Enterprises team held a random drawing of local submissions only.

330. Holy... shit.

331. And once again, the winner chosen was one Kyle Capshaw.

332. Holy shit!

333. Our news vans are on their way to Mr. Capshaw's house as we speak

334. to give him the good news.

335. Holy shit!

336. - Kyle Capshaw! - Gah!

337. You've been selected to go to Mars. How do you feel?

338. You have to leave.

339. - No, you have to leave... to Mars!

340. Listen to me. My fiancée doesn't know that I entered the contest.

341. We are supposed to get married today.

342. Please do not put this on television.

343. How mad do you think she's gonna be? 1 to 10?

344. - Oh, Candace!

345. You son of a bitch!

346. Baby, I'm sorry! Th-th-th-the chair must've fallen against the door. It was an accident.

347. It was?

348. - Totally! Yeah, totally. - Now, baby? Precious lamb?

349. Uh, I need to ask you to do something very important.

350. - What?

351. You know how I'm incredibly superstitious?

352. No, you're not!

353. - Yes I am! Yes I am. - And superstition dictates,

354. that we cannot see each other on the day of the wedding.

355. Then how are you supposed to drive me to Carol's house

356. to get my fucking makeup done?

357. - They're getting away! Get 'em!

358. Are you driving crazy?

359. It feels like you're driving crazy!

360. No, no, I'm driving perfectly normal.

361. Slow down, asshole...!

362. Thanks for joining us here at the Mars Enterprises' launch site.

363. Behind me, you can see the shuttle being prepared for its maiden voyage,

364. which will commence in just a few short hours.

365. Five lucky individuals will be traveling to the red planet this evening.

366. And the captain of the ship is none other than Mars Enterprises' CEO, Sir Elron Branson.

367. Now, not many people know this, but besides being a billionaire philanthropist,

368. Elron Branson is also a former Air Force test pilot who will be looking after the tourists,

369. and making sure they have a safe and fun journey.

370. He's a pilot, an EMT, a gourmet chef,

371. and was voted People Magazine's sexiest man alive three years in a row.

372. And the final passenger on the Mars 1's maiden voyage is...

373. Pediatric dentist Kyle Capshaw.

374. And they are all... white.

375. Every single one of them.

376. White as the pure driven snow, zero diversity among this crew.

377. Huh, that's awkward.

378. - Well, just in time. We're here.

379. Okay. Carol's house.

380. You have to be dressed and at the chapel by 12 o'clock. Got that?

381. Got it.

382. Now give me a kiss.

383. Mwah.

384. Come on, Cooter, you better fucking pick up.

385. - Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up? - What's up? What's going on man? What's up?

386. Cooter! God! Where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?

387. Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.

388. - Well, I got a huge problem, man. - The wedding is today.

389. - I know that! I know that, man. - I'm on my way there right now.

390. Twinks! The wedding is today! Get your tuxes on.

391. Cooter, listen to me, I need your help, okay?

392. I-I-I got accepted...

393. into the Mars program!

394. Are you thinking about going?

395. - I-I don't know! - I haven't had a chance to think!

396. I've got Candace yelling at me, I've got TV reporters following my every move...

397. Are you on TV, man? That's awesome!

398. Cooter, it's not awesome!

399. I-I don't know what to do!

400. I mean, this Mars thing, I'd only be gone for like a month and a half,

401. but if I leave on the day of our wedding without telling Candace...

402. I'm basically throwing the whole relationship away.

403. Oof!

404. Maybe I have cold feet about the wedding, and this is some sort of reaction to that?

405. I-I don't know what's going on with me!

406. Dude, say no more. Sounds like you need some time to figure this all out.

407. I'm gonna drive down to that launch pad and stall that fucking spaceship for you, dude.

408. Twinks! Get the gun out of the trunk!

409. Cooter, you can't stall a spaceship. That's insane.

410. Ah! You're right, that's insane.

411. I can't stall a spaceship. They're made of metal.

412. All the meth in the world couldn't stall a spaceship.

413. - What? - I'll stall the wedding instead.

414. - Heading to the church, Kyle. I've got you, buddy. - Cooter? No, no-!

415. - Twinks! To the car!

416. - Hello, Sandy. - What do you think we should do?

417. Aw...

418. Don't be like that.

419. I'm sorry that you have to live in the glove compartment.

420. She thinks I've thrown you out.

421. Boy, I really could use your cool, level head right now.

422. Hah, I've gotten us into a real mess.

423. You're getting this, right?

424. Oh, yeah!

425. We're getting a Goddamn pay raise!

426. I mean, wh-wh-wh-wh-what would you do?

427. Oh, come on. We don't have time for that.

428. Besides, you said last time was the last time.

429. Okay, let me just... make sure no one's looking.

430. Oh!

431. Nope, didn't see us.

432. - Well, the coast is clear. - But this is the last time.

433. Okay?

434. After today, I'm a married man.

435. Now, tell me...

436. - Thank you for coming. - Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.

437. Thank you for coming. Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.

438. Cooter! How are you?

439. Cool it, Mr. S.

440. Everybody, listen up!

441. I have an announcement from the groom himself.

442. First of all, no TVs.

443. That's right.

444. Aw, Cooter! There's a scene I wanted to show everyone!

445. Secondly, everyone hand in their cellphones.

446. Groom's orders.

447. Kyle has prepared a big surprise for everyone.

448. But it's on live television right now.

449. So nobody watch the news, or check your phones in case someone you know is watching the news.

450. I saw the news this morning! They're looking for Kyle because he's supposed—

451. Get the hell out of this wedding!

452. Cooter, explain what's happening right now!

453. Shut, the fuck, up...!

454. I dunno, Sandy. I mean, of course I want to go to Mars.

455. I-I want to have adventure in my life.

456. But I made a commitment to her.

457. Aw, no, don't say that. She's a good person.

458. And who knows? Maybe getting married will help fix the relationship? I mean, the point is...

459. It would completely devastate her if I left her at the alter.

460. I mean, i-i-isn't that what being a real man is?

461. Huh? Putting the feelings of others before yourself?

462. You know what?

463. I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.

464. I'm getting married.

465. Where in the holy fuck are you?

466. Don't worry, honey, I'm on my way.

467. Well, "on my way" isn't "here!"

468. If you don't walk through that door in seconds,

469. I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.

470. Actually...

471. You know what? I've just... I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.

472. Fuck you, pussy!

473. You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!

474. - Yeah, and, you're, uh... - yeah, you're breaking up.

475. It's... It's really hard to hear you right now.

476. I'm going to fucking Mars.

477. We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.

478. Mr. Capshaw!

479. Just in time. Follow me.

480. Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm gonna have to get you to sign and walk.

481. This first one is a standard release form for the cameras

482. and any promotional material we would use your likeness for.

483. Okay.

484. This one absolves our company from any liability

485. in case of spontaneous incineration.

486. Incineration? Uh...

487. How often do these explode?

488. - We don't know yet. - Maiden voyage and all.

489. Right, yeah, okay. That makes sense.

490. This next one absolves our company from all liability

491. in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.

492. Oh, does that happen a lot?

493. Sometimes! People go space crazy.

494. Geez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.

495. And this last one absolves our company from any liability

496. in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy and shoots you or something.

497. Are there guns on the spaceship?

498. Y'know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.

499. - Oh! Thank you so much. - That would be great.

500. But I am going to need you to sign real quick.

501. Oh sure, right.

502. - Then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.

503. He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see...

504. is his little girl— oh, Goddammit, Cooter! Why can't we watch the television?

505. Come on! You were doing good, Mr. S.

506. - Cooter!

507. Where is he?

508. He's on TV, nobody watch it...

509. Hey, everybody! I found another TV in the banquet room.

510. We can just power this thing up and-

511. Cooter, crossing the line!

512. - What is wrong with you? - Oh my God, he's bleeding!

513. Somebody call 911!

514. It's too late. Cooter...

515. - This man is— - Look everybody!

516. Kyle's on TV!

517. There he goes, Kyle Capshaw.

518. The last passenger onto the shuttle.

519. About to leave everyone on Earth... for Mars.

520. What?

521. Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.

522. He's going to Mars!

523. - Hello, straggler. I'm Elron Branson. - Welcome aboard.

524. Pick up. Pick up. You better pick up.

525. Ooh... burn.

526. And we are approaching liftoff.

527. Ten...

528. Nine...

529. Eight...

530. Seven...

531. Six...

532. Five...

533. Four...

534. Two...

535. One.

536. Lift off!

537. Okay, artificial gravity has set in.

538. Listen up, my fellow... astronauts.

539. First thing's first: When I call your name,

540. come on up, get yourself a name tag, and tell us a little about yourself.

541. What you did on Earth, and what you want to get out of this trip.

542. Todd Sullivan.

543. My name's Todd,

544. I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves,

545. and, uh, fuck name tags.

546. Oh, okay. Well, we don't have to... wear them, I guess.

547. But I did... stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.

548. Oh... kay. Well, I... I guess we can just

549. eat cocktail shrimp and play deck games.

550. Okay, Wimmy.

551. Did your serve make it over the net?

552. Uh... yeah.

553. Okay, Kyle... now you take a card.

554. Did you return his volly?

555. It says... yeah.

556. Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy take another card.

557. Did you return the volley?

558. It says I missed.

559. - Oh! Match point!

560. Kyle, you get a reward card.

561. Now, would you like "Surprise Now" or "Surprise Later?"

562. Uh...

563. I'll take "Surprise Later—"

564. Y'know, the commercials made Future Tennis seem a lot more...

565. future-y.

566. And tennis-y.

567. Did you make this game, Elron?

568. Well if you guys are not feeling it, we could play...

569. Future Badminton, Future Jai alai, or Future Darts.

570. - Ah, y'know, I'm good. - I'm gonna go mingle.

571. Hey! Peggy, right?

572. Yes!

573. Y'know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate,

574. but doesn't all of this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be?

575. I mean... I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.

576. Oh! What did you sacrifice?

577. Well, I mean... I... Uh...

578. I was actually supposed to get married today.

579. Wow!

580. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, we all have families and friends back on Earth

581. that we just picked up and left for a month.

582. Your friends will still be there for you when you get back.

583. Ah, I don't know about that.

584. Sure they will! I just told my friends,

585. "Gang! I'll be back in a month."

586. And then I left them twenty bowls of food,

587. and I filled the bathtub with milk.

588. What?

589. For drinking!

590. I'm gonna assume you're talking about cats here.

591. You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?

592. Purrrrr-cisely!

593. Peggy, it's June...

594. That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.

595. What do you mean?

596. Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink?

597. Yeah... What do you mean?

598. Well, what's going to happen when the bathtub milk turns

599. and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to drink?

600. What do you mean?

601. Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.

602. Anyway, like I said,

603. your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back.

604. Okay, friends, listen up!

605. Loser!

606. Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.

607. Lo-ser!

608. The time has come for us to go into stasis.

609. Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel

610. feel like a two hour cat nap.

611. - Wooo! He said cats!

612. Uh, is this going to be a shot or something?

613. No. We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.

614. - Did you say 500? - What?

615. - Did you say 500? - 500?

616. Can we get some more water?

617. Uh... No.

618. Ugh, God...

619. Ow... Slept on my arm weird.

620. God, this aerobed half deflated.

621. Aw, my neck!

622. Elron? I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.

623. How did I get over here?

624. - Well, after you guys took all those Ambien... - Stop. What?

625. - Ambien? We took... - We took 500 Ambien?

626. Haha, pretty cool, right Todd?

627. - That's what stasis is? - Isn't that how Lil Peep died?

628. Aw! Guh!

629. Oh, wait— oh, okay, you're just all gonna...

630. take 'em off? Okay.

631. Oh, hey! Did you guys... Did you guys notice my sign?

632. It says, "Welcome to Mars! A place for friends."

633. - Oh that's, yeah, that's cool, man. - Ooh!

634. As you can see, I drew each one of us.

635. Took me most of the two weeks here.

636. Todd, what do you think?

637. - Uh, it sucks, it's stupid. - You're stupid, you suck.

638. - Come on, Todd.

639. Oh, here we go.

640. Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments,

641. the airlock door will open, and in front of the watching world,

642. we will become the first people to step from this ship

643. and see Mars with our own eyes.

644. This is incredible.

645. Gather around, gather around.

646. Just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow... Martians.

647. Thank you, Jesus...

648. The first and most important rule is:

649. Have fun!

650. Have fun up here, guys. This is your vacation.

651. Mars is for fun.

652. The second rule is, do not touch the airlock because it will kill you.

653. Now, down that corridor are the sleeping pods.

654. Go claim a room and be back here for our first Martian lunch at 14:00.

655. Well, hello, Kyle.

656. Oh, hey, Wimmy. I see that you are... praying again.

657. A lotta... lotta prayer with you. All right.

658. So, uh... So what's your story?

659. Well, I'm a faithful husband with a wife who is quite a beauty— on the inside.

660. A proud father of five angelic children.

661. I have Type 2 diabetes and I don't believe in dinosaurs.

662. What about you?

663. Uh... I'm a dentist, which is cool...

664. Actually, no, it's not, little kids hate me,

665. and, uh... I do believe in dinosaurs.

666. - Well, we'll work on that.

667. That's why I'm here. I'm a missionary of sorts.

668. I'm gonna turn Mars into the first completely Christian planet.

669. Okay, but there aren't any people on Mars.

670. Aren't there?

671. Oh, no.

672. Bon Appetit.

673. Woah. Elron, did you make all this yourself?

674. I had a little help from my good friend

675. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N. H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.

676. One more time, Elron?

677. I said this meal was actually prepared by one

678. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N. H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.

679. It's an acronym. It's technical name is

680. Mechanical Ultra Responsive Dietary Electronic Robotic Energized Delivery

681. Meal Interface Dietary Wellness Efficiency System Tactile Edible Responsiveness Nutrition

682. Home Or Mobile Omnivorous Sustenance Expeditious Xenoculinary User Aligned Lunch

683. Tool Enabled Eating Nourishment Agent Gastronomical Electronic Robot.

684. What?

685. But that's a little bit of a mouthful,

686. So we call it the M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N. H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R. for short.

687. That's really weird and offensive.

688. I think that happened.

689. This is a one-of-a-kind prototype, but in a few years, Lord willing,

690. every town from Chicago to New Orleans will have it's own

691. M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D. M.I.D.W.E.S.T.E.R.N. H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L. T.E.E.N.A.G.E.R.

692. Gotta fix that acronym.

693. Yeah, some of those words seemed unnecessary.

694. You said "Robotic" twice.

695. - Hey, I didn't name it! - Take it up with the good people at

696. T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S G.R.E.A.T.L.Y. E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D.

697. I'm sorry, what?

698. It's a company. It stands for Technological Human Electronic-

699. Okay, so how does this thing work?

700. It's basically like a 3D printer for food.

701. You just say whatever you want it to make...

702. - And it... - Jäger.

703. Rad.

704. Ho-ho! Get it, Peggy!

705. Opa, opa!

706. Aw, yeah!

707. Woah. Hey... Wimmy.

708. Good morning. This is a surprise.

709. Yeah, you're in my bed.

710. Oh! Well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?

711. Yep. This is my bed.

712. Oh! Well, last night was the first in 18 years

713. that I didn't share my bed with my lovely-on-the-inside wife.

714. So in my sleep I must have wandered over here

715. mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.

716. Okay, well...

717. I'm going to get up.

718. 10-4, good buddy.

719. "T.H.E.R.E. W.E.R.E. G.O.O.D. P.E.O.P.L.E. O.N. B.O.T.H. S.I.D.E.S.

720. "O.F. T.H.E. C.H.A.R.L.O.T.T.E.S.V.I.L.L.E. F.I.A.S.C.O." They even put spaces!

721. Fuck this company!

722. Last night was fun!

723. - Y'know what, Peggy? - Last night was fun, heh.

724. I think this is a really great group we got here.

725. And it's cool that we're on Mars.

726. - And it's cool we're on Mars! - You're right, Peggy! Heh... Fucking Mars.

727. All right!

728. Oh boy, you know what that alarm means?

729. It's time for Kyle's surprise!

730. - Oh ho! Okay, wh-what's going on? - What are we talking about?

731. - Your surprise. "Surprise Later?" - From Future Tennis?

732. - Oh! Right, hey, wow, look at me! - Everything's coming up Kyle!

733. Now, I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign,

734. but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like home.

735. - All right, okay.

736. Lay it on me. Fun!

737. - Okay, Kyle. - Say hello to your very own...

738. Talk to me, baby. What do we got?

739. Fiancée...!

740. What the fuck? What the fuck?

741. - Wait, how is... how... how... - how is she here now?

742. When you won Future Tennis, I asked if you wanted "Surprise Now" or "Surprise Later."

743. You said "Surprise Later!"

744. She shouldn't be here.

745. This is bad. Can we pause? Can we... Can we pause for a second?

746. Can we make the door go back up, please?

747. No, Kyle! We have to get her outta there.

748. That's a decompression chamber. They're very dangerous.

749. - Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. - Fuck me. Fuck Me.

750. Oh, fuck. Haha, H-Hi, Pumpkin!

751. Hi, Kyle.

752. Hi. I'm Candace. Kyle's fiancée.

753. That's funny, Kyle never talked about you at all.

754. - Yeah, I did! Yes, I— No! - I'm sure that I did.

755. So this is... this is crazy.

756. This is all so surprising. How are you... here?

757. Well, when you chose "Surprise Later," I knew we had to think of something really good for you.

758. And as luck would have it, right then,

759. Candace showed up at the launchpad, and was going on and on

760. about how much she needed to get up here and get to ya'!

761. When I found out, I said, "What the heck?

762. Send her up in a supply pod!"

763. Nothing is more important than true love.

764. That's so cool...!

765. What would have happened if he chose "Surprise Now?"

766. He would have won $400,000.

767. Oh, $400,000. Yeah.

768. Uh, Candace, c-could we just have a little side bar to kinda clear the air?

769. Cause, you know, I-I-I'm sensing a little... hostility between us.

770. I'm not hostile, Kyle. Are you hostile?

771. No! No, no, I just, I-I feel like you're in...

772. I mean, I don't want to tell you how you feel, but

773. I imagine, that you would have the right...

774. to be...

775. frustrated with me.

776. I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.

777. Yeah, but, um...

778. You seem mad.

779. I'm not mad. Are you mad?

780. No, no! No I-I'm not mad at all.

781. - Okay, then we're not mad. - Let's just drop it.

782. Okay, yeah, yeah. Fine.

783. I mean, it just, it seems kinda weird...

784. - Augh!

785. - You motherfucker! - Help! She's gonna kill me!

786. You dickless piece of shit!

787. Okay, everyone. Seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting.

788. We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently.

789. I'm not going to name names...

790. but I just want to really quickly go over some of the basics.

791. First thing's first: This is the airlock.

792. Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock.

793. Now, this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons.

794. If you're in this thing without a space suit when the exterior door opens,

795. the changing pressures could be fatal.

796. Now, if you do have your space suit on,

797. and you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface,

798. you would stand on this circle and give the voice command,

799. "Airlock C-L-O-S-E."

800. Ah! Airlock close!

801. - Thank you, Peggy. - Yes, that is what I was spelling.

802. - Exterior door opening in thirty seconds.

803. Okay, luckily we have a safeguard built in.

804. If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock, without your space suit,

805. just give the voice command: "Abort airlock proced-"

806. Well, then do it!

807. I am doing it. I was trying to.

808. - "Abort airlock—" - You gotta hurry, Elron!

809. I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.

810. Evacuating airlock in twenty seconds.

811. Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking.

812. You all have to be qui— Okay, Kyle? I'm gonna take it from here, okay?

813. - "Abort airl—" - Yeah! Just be quiet, Kyle.

814. I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.

815. Candace, now you did it!

816. I'm sorry! I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.

817. - I wasn't gonna say anything. - You just did it right—

818. Evacuating airlock in ten seconds.

819. - Everyone, shut up! - Everyone, shut up!

820. - Shut up, Kyle! - You shut up!

821. - Shut up! - You... Kyle, shut up!

822. Wimmy, shut up!

823. - Stop! - You just talked, Candace!

824. - Wimmy! - Sorry, Elron...

825. Peggy!

826. - Will you both shut the fuck up? - Everyone, shut up!

827. Shut! Up!

828. "Abort airlock pro—"

829. - Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...!

830. What the fuck?

831. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...!

832. Did that just happen?

833. Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.

834. Did you not see that?

835. What are you talking about?

836. Elron is dead!

837. Who?

838. Elron!

839. Th-The billionaire guy that brought us here.

840. Th- Elron, the main guy! Elron!

841. Oh right. He died?

842. His head exploded!

843. Fuck off!

844. Holy shit!

845. Now that is fucking cool.

846. No, it's not fucking cool!

847. Elron Branson was the only one that knew how to operate the ship!

848. Fat man! Be quiet. Not now.

849. - Okay, okay, okay.

850. We just... We need to keep our heads together.

851. Poor choice of words, dude.

852. What?

853. Poor choice of words.

854. What?

855. - You said "let's keep our heads together?" - His head exploded?

856. The things you say are inappropriate? You don't realize it? You're dumb?

857. - Holy shit, he won't stop singing.

858. Oh! I'm sorry, I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.

859. - How? - Uh...

860. By sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs?

861. But Wimmy, God's not real.

862. - Peggy!

863. Isn't it enough that you killed our captain?

864. Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?

865. I didn't kill him!

866. You're the one who said, "Airlock close!"

867. - Airlock closed.

868. - Hey, come on, Wimmy. - Leave Peggy alone.

869. She can't help it. She's... You know...

870. What are you saying, Kyle?

871. - I mean, Peggy is obviously... - She's, y'know... Um...

872. Peggy, I don't want to offend you, but, I mean, you're... you're obviously...

873. Uh...

874. You have a... a mental, thing... right? Are...

875. Are you mentally handicapped?

876. - I'm sorry! No, that... - That came out wrong, look.

877. It's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other.

878. Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes.

879. And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive... everyone... here,

880. so that we can all work together moving forwards.

881. "So we can all work together moving forwards."

882. Todd, what is with the attitude?

883. - I don't have an attitude. - Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.

884. - I know you're not my dad. - My dad is awesome.

885. Is Elron okay?

886. Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control,

887. tell them what happened, and get them to pick us up, and take us home.

888. I know! Hit this one!

889. - Peggy, don't...! Touch.

890. This is dangerous. Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.

891. [Click, frequency sound] Todd!

892. Telecom? It's short for telecommunications?

893. Mission Control, can you hear us?

894. - There they are! - You bastards! You bastards!

895. Did you come... to kill us now too?

896. Guys, guys, w-we are so sorry about Elron. It was an accident.

897. We saw everything, there's cameras!

898. Uh, wh-wh-what do we do?

899. How do we get back home? What happens?

900. Okay, well, we should be able to just...

901. have the ship automatically bring you home. Just...

902. don't touch that big red button.

903. Um...

904. Peggy already did.

905. What?

906. You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?

907. - Yeah? - Well, great!

908. That just disengaged all the return boosters.

909. - Oh, thank you Peggy. - Did I fix it?

910. Well, n-now what? Are we screwed?

911. Is there... Is there another way to get back?

912. 'Course there is. In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.

913. Ah, thank God.

914. Yeah, if we start constructing another ship now...

915. we can get to you guys in about... five years.

916. Five years! Did you say five years?

917. We're all gonna be stuck up here for five years? Five?

918. Five whole years?

919. Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you killed Elron Branson.

920. - He was a candle in the wind! - And a rocket man!

921. That dude? He was a nerd.

922. - Nerd? Nerd?

923. - You know what? - That's the problem with cools.

924. You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.

925. Well, if you wanted a world without nerds...

926. then merry Christmas and happy birthday...

927. - you're on one! - Nerds out!

928. - No, no, no, nerds! - Nerds? Nerds? No! No...!

929. I cannot get enough of things like that. Look at that!

930. Now let's see if we can go frame by frame. Toby, can we go frame by frame here?

931. Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.

932. Okay, here we go.

933. Now he's like "Oop! Oop, I'm in trouble! I'm in trouble!"

934. Oop—! Boom! Hah, rewind.

935. See? See? He's still alive there, still alive there, there, still alive. He's feeling it right there,

936. And, and... [Pop, boing] that's where I think he died.

937. - What about you? - I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.

938. Ho-ho! Not me.

939. I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.

940. It's marked "taxes" so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.

941. Getting back to the crisis at hand.

942. Millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the loss

943. of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and watching the developments with baited breath.

944. So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed

945. so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space station around the clock.

946. And with the sudden and shockingly metal death

947. of the only person who knew how to operate the ship,

948. how do you think the crew's holding up?

949. I tell ya', it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.

950. Let's take a look at the feed.

951. - Where should we start? - Hey, why not the women's bathroom?

952. I like the way you think.

953. Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.

954. But you're going to remind him.

955. You're the hottest bitch on this planet.

956. Pizza.

957. Roast beef.

958. Chocolate.

959. Frosted Lucky Charms!

960. Reese's Puffs! Cocoa Puffs!

961. Hi...

962. So... Todd, huh?

963. That's an interesting name.

964. - I'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy. - What?

965. You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.

966. You're hurt, you're angry, you wanna fuck somebody.

967. You're being crazy.

968. Oh my God! I wouldn't even think—

969. Okay, sweet.

970. That is not why I came over here!

971. Oh, okay, my mistake.

972. And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.

973. - That's not true. - That's just something crazy girls say.

974. Ugh!

975. Hey, Peggy...

976. They never said there was a limit on how much food we can make.

977. God, it stinks in here.

978. Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say, you were looking pretty hot tonight.

979. Shut up! Literally nobody has ever said that to me.

980. Literally!

981. That's a shame. Cause...

982. I think you're fucking sexy.

983. Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.

984. What do you say we... lock this door,

985. put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear and...

986. Candace, I'm gonna stop you right there...

987. I don't stick my fingers in crazy.

988. What?

989. It's my one rule!

990. Don't get me wrong, Candace, you're a very attractive woman.

991. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered...

992. But I know where this road leads, and it's not a place where either of us would feel—

993. What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?

994. Hey, there... Wimmy, right?

995. Shhh.

996. O-kay?

997. Hi, Candace. I was just talking to my best friend.

998. Who's your best friend?

999. - This is so fucking hard.

1000. What say you and I... have a little drink?

1001. Let me stop you right there.

1002. I do not imbibe.

1003. But I am happy to provide some nonjudgmental company,

1004. while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol.

1005. Ah-hah. You're funny.

1006. Listen, Wimmy. You're a man with needs.

1007. I'm a woman with needs.

1008. What do you say we help each other out?

1009. - What? No! - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

1010. I am taken! Here's the Tilliams clan right here.

1011. - Ah! What?

1012. Candace! We just adulter-ied. I adulter-ied!

1013. I just betrayed my wife and children!

1014. I'm sorry. I just don't know what's going on with me.

1015. This whole thing with me and Kyle has me...

1016. feel like I'm losing my mind!

1017. I'm not usually like this, I swear.

1018. Okay, well...

1019. The Lord has everything happen for a reason.

1020. So, uh, maybe He can...

1021. use this as a teachable moment!

1022. Okay, John 3:16 says,

1023. "For God so loved the Earth that He gave His only begotten Son."

1024. Yeah, but... Wimmy, we're not on Earth.

1025. - Well, it says Earth... - but it means the whole solar system.

1026. Well, why would he say "Earth" if he meant "solar system?"

1027. - Candace...

1028. Well, way back when this was written,

1029. God probably had no idea that in the future, man would make it to other planets.

1030. Well, I-I mean, He knew...

1031. He just had... He had to know, He just probably didn't... I mean...

1032. Hold on.

1033. Hey, hey, I mean, I get it guys.

1034. In high school I wasn't the most popular guy either.

1035. I-I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18.

1036. - 18? 18?

1037. That's not nerdy. That's cool!

1038. - No, I didn't... I didn't mean 18. - It wasn't 18. Uh...

1039. I don't... I don't know why I said that. It was way later.

1040. - It was like, like 20. - 20?

1041. nine. Twenty-nine. I was 29.

1042. - Oh, okay. - That's pretty lame, I guess.

1043. I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.

1044. I didn't, but I could've.

1045. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You... You kissed a girl at 28?

1046. Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?

1047. Yeah, right. Get outta here.

1048. You don't really think that.

1049. Oh, I don't know. I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.

1050. Shut up...

1051. You know what would be really cool, though?

1052. If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home.

1053. - [Chuckles, sniff] - Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.

1054. Hahaha, that's right!

1055. Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy...

1056. But I think if we all keep our cool...

1057. we'll be able to walk you through it.

1058. First thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.

1059. Kyle? I'm so sorry. Can we talk?

1060. Just... Just... Just a minute, Candace?

1061. The Mission Control guys are helping us get home.

1062. All right, now, to do this, you'll need to divert

1063. the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank.

1064. Okay. Resting generators, got it.

1065. I cheated on you with Wimmy.

1066. With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird!

1067. Okay... Okay, all right, look, Candace?

1068. That is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that,

1069. but I-I gotta do this right now.

1070. This is what I'm talking about!

1071. I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you,

1072. and all you do is ignore me!

1073. Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kinda deal,

1074. or is this somewhere in the ship here?

1075. - That is outside of the ship. - Right on the underside of the central pod.

1076. - Hi-yah...! - Candace, no!

1077. Two years of my life, Kyle!

1078. My two best years! Wasted with you!

1079. Candace, stop!

1080. Oh my God...

1081. I could have married Brian Delaney!

1082. Candace! You broke the air thing!

1083. - Well, now we're even! - Because you broke my heart!

1084. - No, no, no! - You broke the fucking air thing!

1085. "The meek shall inherit the Earth!"

1086. "The Earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord."

1087. "The Earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof!"

1088. The thing! Sh-She fucking broke the thing!

1089. We're gonna die!

1090. Do you want to play Future Tennis with me?

1091. - Todd! I-I don't know how to... - to fix the container and I saw her do it!

1092. She threw th-the thing and then it made th-the thing punch right through it!

1093. We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

1094. What're you talking about?

1095. We're gonna die, man!

1096. And why do you think we're dying?

1097. - Because I saw the fucking air! - Our air is sucked out into outer space!

1098. Okay, and how did that happen?

1099. Because this... bitch—!

1100. - Hey...! - Woah...!

1101. No! No! Do not judge me until I have finished my sentence,

1102. because then, you will see, that she has murdered you!

1103. And she has murdered you! And she has murdered me!

1104. And she has also committed suicide!

1105. And killed Wimmy. Where... Where's Wimmy?

1106. - There is no God here. - We abandoned Him when we left the Earth!

1107. He has no jurisdiction up here.

1108. The red planet is the planet of... the Devil!

1109. Okay, first of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room.

1110. Uh... I lost my cool there. I said some things that didn't need to be said,

1111. and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected.

1112. - What?

1113. What?

1114. Dude, you are amazing.

1115. Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?

1116. Kyle, do you want to play Future Tennis with me?

1117. Kyle hates Future Tennis.

1118. He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claimed to have loved for two years,

1119. come and see you after you tried to run away from them.

1120. - Okay, Candace? Could we... - Could we try and stay focused? Please?

1121. Life threatening situation here. Ring a bell?

1122. You threw a fit, now we're fucked?

1123. We're fucked?

1124. Yes, we're fucked!

1125. We're not fucked.

1126. We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.

1127. No, the nerds said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.

1128. Let... Let me guess what they said.

1129. We have to refuel? Fill up the gas tank?

1130. They, yea- well, they said "fuel reserve."

1131. Uh-huh. I'm guessing their plan involves something like

1132. diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve?

1133. Probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect?

1134. Wait a minute...

1135. O-Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but...

1136. are you smart?

1137. "Uh, I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?"

1138. Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?

1139. Candace and Wimmy are very crazy and Peggy... is also very crazy.

1140. Y-You seem, in a weird way, not to be crazy.

1141. Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?

1142. Uh, I think it will be more like you helping me fix the ship, and... also, I don't need that.

1143. I find that to be very encouraging.

1144. Hey there, lust muffin.

1145. The fuck did you just say?

1146. - Guess what? - What?

1147. Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.

1148. - I didn't say anything about— - I should have seen it earlier!

1149. It was right in front of my... damn face.

1150. Pardon my French. I swear now.

1151. What are you talking about?

1152. I was just in my room indulging my own flesh.

1153. Treatin' my body like a damn playground.

1154. What is that?

1155. - Playing with my private parts? - Outside of marriage.

1156. And I don't give a sh-sh— damn!

1157. And guess what? I loved it.

1158. Now I get what all the fuss is about.

1159. Why are you telling me all this?

1160. I'm here to take you up on your offer.

1161. I want to do every damn thing.

1162. - Fuck it.

1163. These suits are pretty cool.

1164. We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.

1165. Isn't that kinda crazy?

1166. I mean, it is to me, a little bit, I mean...

1167. That's a big... That's a big deal.

1168. Oh Todd, be careful!

1169. Oh, is that the hose we need?

1170. Oh, good!

1171. Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?

1172. You seem really confident.

1173. I don't know anything mechanical.

1174. I was an indoor kid, heh!

1175. I can't even change a flat.

1176. Did that fix it? Is it fixed?

1177. If you want to talk to me you have to press this button.

1178. - [Click, beep] - Yeah, I-I wasn't talking.

1179. I can't.

1180. It won't go in. It keeps bending.

1181. Maybe your butthole's broken?

1182. My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.

1183. You have to be hard.

1184. - I'm pretty hard. - It just keeps bending though.

1185. Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.

1186. There, I just got it in!

1187. I'm in. We're having sodomy. Wow.

1188. You're not in.

1189. No, you're right. It's out again... Damn.

1190. - I-I gotta say, Todd... - I am pretty impressed.

1191. Oh, great, I impressed Kyle, that means a lot.

1192. When I get home, everyone will be like, "Hey, Todd, how was Mars?"

1193. I'll be like, "It was okay, but the real cool thing is while I was up there, I impressed some idiot!"

1194. Dude. What is the deal?

1195. What?

1196. What is with the negativity, man?

1197. What is your issue with me? Seriously?

1198. - Seriously? - Yeah.

1199. I don't like the way you treat women.

1200. - I'm sorry, excuse me? - The way I treat women?

1201. Did I bash her face in with the lamp? Did I throw a monitor at her head?

1202. It just... didn't really sit well with me, the way you were throwing around the B-word back there.

1203. She is so mean to me!

1204. She's been treating me like this for two years,

1205. and she's wrecked the spaceship now, and she's ruined my life!

1206. - She "ruined your life?" - She came all the way up to Mars for you.

1207. She is crazy.

1208. Yeah, because you've made her crazy.

1209. Look, you're obviously not really committed to your relationship,

1210. and you've just been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing.

1211. What? Marry her?

1212. No. Break up with her.

1213. Let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her.

1214. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fix the ship.

1215. Wimmy Tilliams is my name and sinning is my new game.

1216. If committing adultery felt that good,

1217. I can't imagine how good it must feel to sin even harder.

1218. Hey there, handsome... devil.

1219. Oh, shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again, fuck-

1220. I just don't understand what you want from me!

1221. Stop trying to make me the bad guy here.

1222. Stop acting like one.

1223. Uh, okay, so, sorry about that.

1224. Uh, y-you missed a couple things. Basically what happened was, while Todd finished fixing the ship,

1225. Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that... that stuff that Todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her.

1226. But, he... He still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt,

1227. so, she's still confused and unhappy, so she got all pissed.

1228. And then... he got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene.

1229. I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle.

1230. Either love me, or let me go.

1231. - Look, I... - I really do care about you but... but I...

1232. Well, by my calculations, we got ten minutes of air left.

1233. So let's do this thing.

1234. Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system,

1235. but this cord should pull enough juice from the main comm board for us to blast off.

1236. Holy shit, dude, I am so glad you're smart.

1237. All right, that's it.

1238. Mars sucked, fuck it, let's go home.

1239. And if the fat, nerdy bible guy wants to come with us,

1240. he better hurry his ass up, wherever he is.

1241. - Die...!

1242. What the fuck...?

1243. - Ahhh! - Fuck!

1244. Wimmy, what the fuck?

1245. That was a big sin... and Wimmy likey.

1246. Wimmy likey a lot.

1247. Oh my God!

1248. There is no God up here, Kyle.

1249. I have abandoned the way of the Lamb.

1250. I now worship... the Goat.

1251. The Dark One demands more sacrifices.

1252. More blood for Satan!

1253. - Guys, get in the ship! - Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!

1254. - What? - Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!

1255. - Todd, let's go! - Satan, Satan, Satan! Evil!

1256. Peggy! Candace! Get in the ship, we gotta get outta here!

1257. Heavy metal music! Nudity! Democrats!

1258. - Look, look, Wimmy. A cross!

1259. Jesus? Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?

1260. - Ooh!

1261. - We're in, we made it. - We're all here, ah...

1262. Well, Todd's dead.

1263. Right, yeah, that's uh... Right, yeah.

1264. That... That's... That's too bad.

1265. And Elron died.

1266. Shit, right, yeah, he... He also died.

1267. And, I'm assuming Wimmy won't survive when we leave.

1268. Well, that's...

1269. Well, I mean, fuck him, right?

1270. Come on, let's just get outta here.

1271. Suck my dick, Mars.

1272. - [Click, beep] - Ignition in ten...

1273. Nine...

1274. Eight...

1275. - Seven... - Oh good! Wimmy's better.

1276. - Six... - What?

1277. Five...

1278. Four...

1279. Thre-e-e...

1280. What's happening?

1281. - Why aren't we going? - Where's "two?" Where's "one?"

1282. Face me!

1283. Face your fears...!

1284. Ugh...

1285. This fucking guy is ridiculous...

1286. Fuck.

1287. What?

1288. Goodbye, Candace.

1289. No!

1290. You are not doing this again!

1291. Candace, I am not running away from you.

1292. I-I just...

1293. I don't love you.

1294. And, maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you...

1295. You deserve someone that does.

1296. Ooh! A challenger!

1297. Wimmy, get away from the cord.

1298. In this corner, fighting for the side of Satan...!

1299. Wimmy Tilliams!

1300. Jesus Christ...

1301. And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ:

1302. Kyle!

1303. Wimmy, I'm just gonna step over there, and I'm gonna pick up the cord—

1304. MORTAL KOMBAT!

1305. Fitting, isn't it?

1306. That it would end up the two of us!

1307. Locked in battle—!

1308. Ow...!

1309. Again?

1310. Unbelievable...

1311. Aha!

1312. Ah...!

1313. Kyle!

1314. He fuckin' bit me!

1315. I'm sorry...

1316. Agh...!

1317. What the fuck...?

1318. - Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up? - What's up? What's going on man? What's up?

1319. Cooter! God! Where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?

1320. Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.

1321. - Well, I got a huge problem, man. - The wedding is today.

1322. - I know that! I know that, man. - I'm on my way there right now.

1323. Twinks! To the car!

1324. Okay, twinks! Listen the fuck up!

1325. Kyle needs us! We're gonna do this the right way!

1326. When we hit the church, I want two twinks stationed at the rear,

1327. I want two twinks stationed on the roof,

1328. and I want three twinks on me at all times.

1329. If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.

1330. - Twinks! Dig a hole!

1331. - This is bad, guys! - This is really, really bad!

1332. We need to lay low till first light, then torch the car.

1333. We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that body.

1334. I feel good, twinks.

1335. I feel really, really good.

1336. The world is ours!

1337. [TV] One more, in fact...

1338. Turn. That. Up!

1339. [TV] We couldn't believe it ourselves.

1340. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet

1341. to join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw on Mars.

1342. Elron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod

1343. releasing a statement saying, "Nothing is more important than true love."

1344. - What in the fuck?

1345. - Why would they send Candace up? - What's their angle?

1346. I'm not buying this "true love" horse shit for one second!

1347. But who benefits?

1348. Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float!

1349. We need to follow the money!

1350. - Hrk! - Ack!

1351. It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.

1352. That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up!

1353. Hittin' a brick wall here.

1354. Think, Cooter! Think!

1355. I need more meth.

1356. Of course!

1357. Elron Branson took $12 million from different investors to showcase their products on his space station!

1358. That's a lot of fuckin' money for a passing mention on the news!

1359. My mind is a fuckin' razor blade! I can see in-between time!

1360. Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.

1361. The others get a free ride because they're shell companies for whoever's really in charge!

1362. But who?

1363. What do these products have in common?

1364. They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.

1365. I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a...

1366. "Dopey Twink?"

1367. Who do you work for?

1368. I told you! Papanero's Pizza!

1369. Wrong answer!

1370. Please stop! Please stop...! Please!

1371. I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!

1372. You ever wanna see the light of day again, you better start talkin'!

1373. Take us up the chain!

1374. You're gonna have to speak to my manager!

1375. Lucy...!

1376. I'm home...!

1377. - What the hell is going on? - Daddy! Help us!

1378. - No, no!

1379. Don't worry, Kyle!

1380. I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!

1381. You recognize this piece of shit?

1382. I'm sorry, Mr. Keppler!

1383. They cut my fucking toe off!

1384. Oh, that's right!

1385. You fucked with the wrong people this time.

1386. I don't know what's going on! Please!

1387. The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!

1388. Chomp chomp!

1389. Chomp chomp.

1390. I told you all I know! Our parent company is Technological Human Electronic

1391. Household Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber Anthropomorphic Utility Systems Treatment

1392. Worldwide Analytic Software—

1393. - T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S. - G.R.E.A.T.L.Y. E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D.!

1394. They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!

1395. Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself,

1396. so he links up with this company and promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.

1397. Now he just needs people to tune in.

1398. Candace shows up at the launchpad and they're like, "Shit! This'll be some drama!

1399. Let's send her up so people watch the fireworks!"

1400. But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship

1401. would be able to withstand the radiation from the Van Allen Belt?

1402. Yes! I-I worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years.

1403. Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me...

1404. Listen to this...

1405. Billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident

1406. aboard the Mars Enterprise space station.

1407. Bull-fucking-shit he was.

1408. There's your 24/7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!

1409. Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.

1410. There's their headquarters, and I'll bet you all the meth in the world

1411. that they're doing more than making home appliances in there.

1412. Ah-ha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought

1413. T.H.E. H.O.L.O.C.A.U.S.T. W.A.S. G.R.E.A.T.L.Y E.X.A.G.G.E.R.A.T.E.D. was just a hilarious name.

1414. Now I see it's something darker.

1415. It's a fucking front for a White Power group. Of course!

1416. Ugh! My mind is moving in hyperspace, man.

1417. They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.

1418. They think it'll show people how a one race world would be a utopia!

1419. Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!

1420. I so horny...

1421. Me too, Sleepy. Me too.

1422. But we have some Nazis to kill.

1423. Here we go, twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!

1424. What in the fuck...?

1425. Twinks!

1426. That's the fucking space ship!

1427. They never went to fucking Mars!

1428. Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there.

1429. The whole thing was a giant scam!

1430. Branson steals billions from investors,

1431. then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!

1432. Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accident

1433. to get the whole world watching their bullshit, racist, white utopia propaganda,

1434. while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!

1435. It's almost too simple...

1436. Huh?

1437. - The station is wrecked. - How am I breathing?

1438. God...?

1439. Oh no, what have I done?

1440. Forgive me, Lord!

1441. Jesus?

1442. Cooter?

1443. Kyle! What's up, man?

1444. What the fuck? What is hap- How are you on Mars?

1445. You never went to Mars.

1446. You're in a warehouse thirty miles south of Carlin, Nevada.

1447. The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial.

1448. What're you talking about?

1449. I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out.

1450. But it's all right now.

1451. Mister Cotter! Skinheads!

1452. - Someone tell me what is happening.

1453. Shit's starting to get fun.

1454. Twinks!

1455. Light 'em up.

1456. Bashful! I'm out of ammo!

1457. Throw me another clip!

1458. Okay, Mister Cooter—!

1459. Bashful...!

1460. 367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.

1461. A horrific scene that lead authorities to discover

1462. Sir Elron Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.

1463. Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,

1464. the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death

1465. with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company,

1466. in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money, and sell products with incredibly offensive names.

1467. Here we see the footage of Sir Elron Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.

1468. The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.

1469. - Uh, hey guys. - Had sort of a, uh... crazy trip, heheh.

1470. And I have to go to jail now.

1471. - That's all the time we have tonight. - Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,

1472. who's gonna be playing "Guess Who?" with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.

1473. Hey... How'd it go? Um...

1474. Wh-What kinda stuff are they asking?

1475. Just like... what happened, when Wimmy went crazy, and stuff like that.

1476. Oh, okay. Um...

1477. Are you doing all right?

1478. Yeah.

1479. I'm still... shaken up a bit, but... yeah.

1480. So, I guess...

1481. This is... it.

1482. Yeah, I-I guess so.

1483. So, what are you going to do now?

1484. Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?

1485. Oh, no. No.

1486. Cooter's in a lot of trouble. He killed like... hundreds of people.

1487. Yeah, but it was kind of in self defense.

1488. N-No, no, no, before that,

1489. he killed like nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.

1490. I think, like, two of them were children.

1491. Oh my God...!

1492. Yeah... heh, yeah.

1493. Are you going to... visit him in prison?

1494. Um... I... don't think so.

1495. Well...

1496. See you around.

1497. Hey, Candace, um...

1498. I'm sorry that I hurt you.

1499. I really am.

1500. I know.

1501. And someday...

1502. I'll be okay with it.

1503. Hey, Elron!

1504. Oh... Hey, Kyle.

1505. Uh... How's it going?

1506. - So, is it true? - It was all a hoax from the beginning?

1507. Yep. Pretty much...

1508. I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,

1509. I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.

1510. - Dude, I just don't get it. - You were already rich.

1511. I mean, you had everything.

1512. Why would you want to fake your own death?

1513. Well...

1514. I have this fiancée who just absolutely smothers me.

1515. Kyle Capshaw?

1516. And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses

1517. until they just sort of, like... jellified.

1518. Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.

1519. I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.

1520. What do you mean? How so?

1521. Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding back.

1522. What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.

1523. We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.

1524. Peggy?

1525. Yeah. She's gonna be a national hero.

1526. We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.

1527. Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.

1528. We're in the Peggy Bork business now.

1529. Uh... That's cool, but...

1530. What about me? I mean, I... actually did way more stuff than Peggy.

1531. Yeah... the thing is, uh...

1532. Peggy more represents the image we want out there,

1533. for NASA.

1534. - Are you fucking kidding me? - Cause she's...

1535. I mean, she's, like...

1536. Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.

1537. - Oh, come on... - Ooh...

1538. The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain...

1539. essence of American values and... wholesomeness.

1540. What are you trying to say?

1541. Everybody's seen the doll video.

1542. What doll video?

1543. Sandy?

1544. What do you mean...

1545. "everybody's seen the video?"

1546. They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.

1547. Or, uh, pfft, down here.

1548. Trapped down here.

1549. We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.

1550. You understand.

1551. Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.

1552. And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.

1553. Oh, great.

1554. I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.

1555. [TV] And the Peggy Bork national press tour continues.

1556. This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on The Today Show.

1557. And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.

1558. Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?

1559. Those two are hot.

1560. I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.

1561. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.

1562. From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.

1563. Oh? Heheh...

1564. C'mere, you...