1. Hello.Copy !req
2. I am Andy...Copy !req
3. and I would like to thank you
for coming to my movie.Copy !req
4. I wish it was better,
you know,Copy !req
5. but... it is so stupid.Copy !req
6. It's terrible.
I-I do not even like it.Copy !req
7. All of the most important
things in my life...Copy !req
8. a-a-are changed around
and mixed up...Copy !req
9. for, um—Copy !req
10. uh, dramatic purposes.Copy !req
11. So...Copy !req
12. I decided to cut out...Copy !req
13. all of the baloney.Copy !req
14. Now the movie
is much shorter.Copy !req
15. In fact,Copy !req
16. this... is the end
of the movie.Copy !req
17. Thank you very much.Copy !req
18. I am not fooling.Copy !req
19. Good-bye.Copy !req
20. Go.Copy !req
21. Wow. You're still here.Copy !req
22. O-kay!Copy !req
23. I hope you're not upset.Copy !req
24. I did that to get rid
of those folks who just...
wouldn't understand me...Copy !req
25. and don't even want to try.Copy !req
26. Actually, the movie
is really great.Copy !req
27. It's just filled
with colorful characters,Copy !req
28. like the one I just did
and the one I'm doing now.Copy !req
29. Our story begins...Copy !req
30. back in Great Neck,
Long Island.Copy !req
31. This is our house.Copy !req
32. And that's
my father's old car.Copy !req
33. That's my father.Copy !req
34. That's my Iittle brother
Michael.Copy !req
35. That's my Iittle sister
Carol.Copy !req
36. - And that's my mom.
- Janice?Copy !req
37. Andy's up in his room?Copy !req
38. Yeah.Copy !req
39. Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat
made his head fall off.Copy !req
40. She saw it
And it's not true.Copy !req
41. Today's special guest,
Mr. Bear.Copy !req
42. - What's up, Mr. Bear?
- Andy?Copy !req
43. Son, this has got to stop.Copy !req
44. Our house is not
a television station.Copy !req
45. There's not a camera
in that wall.Copy !req
46. I mean, this is not healthy.
You should be outside playing sports.Copy !req
47. But I have
my own sports show.Copy !req
48. Andy, you know that's
not what I meant.Copy !req
49. Look, I'm gonna put my foot down.
No more playing alone.Copy !req
50. - You want to perform, you
have got to have an audience.
- They're right there!Copy !req
51. That is not an audience.
That is plaster.Copy !req
52. An audience is made of people,
people who Iive and breathe.Copy !req
53. Andy Kaufman
and Howdy Doody present...Copy !req
54. "The Animal Song"!Copy !req
55. I'm gonna say the animal,
and then you tell me what it says.Copy !req
56. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
57. - Oh, the cow goes—
- Moo.Copy !req
58. - And the cat goes—
- Meow! Meow!Copy !req
59. And the bird goes—Copy !req
60. - Tweet, tweet.
- Tweet, tweet!Copy !req
61. And the Iion goes—Copy !req
62. Roar!Copy !req
63. - And the dog goes
- Ruff.Copy !req
64. - And the cat goes
- Meow.Copy !req
65. - And the bird goes
- Tweet.Copy !req
66. - And the pig goes
- Oink.Copy !req
67. And that's the way
it goesCopy !req
68. - The comedy stylings
ofAndy Kaufman.
- Thank you.Copy !req
69. So, Mr. Besserman,
same spot tomorrow?Copy !req
70. I don't know, Andy.
I think I have to let you go.Copy !req
71. You're firing me?Copy !req
72. You— You don't
even pay me.Copy !req
73. I don't want to seem insulting,
but your act is like amateur hour.Copy !req
74. You're doing sing alongs
for six-year-olds and puppets
that aren't funny.Copy !req
75. - PIaying records?
- But it's totally original.Copy !req
76. No one's ever done it.
I'm not like everyone else.Copy !req
77. Well, everybody else
gets this place cookin'.Copy !req
78. I thought it was cooking.
There was a man over here
that was really upset.Copy !req
79. He stormed out,
and a lot of other people left
in the middle of your act.Copy !req
80. - I can't sell booze—
- It's not about comedy.
It's not about art.Copy !req
81. - It's about booze.
- I can't sell booze when you're
singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."Copy !req
82. - That's all that matters.
- I'm running a business here.Copy !req
83. It's show business.
Show business. Show business.Copy !req
84. Without the business,
there's no show.Copy !req
85. - There's no show for you.
- Wh-What do you want me to do?Copy !req
86. - "Take my wife, please"?
- At least it's a joke. Try some jokes.Copy !req
87. Like, "Why did the Siamese twins
go to England?"Copy !req
88. I don't know.
Why did they go to England?Copy !req
89. So the other one
could drive.Copy !req
90. But why doesn't the other one
just Iearn how to drive?Copy !req
91. Whew. Maybe that one
isn't for you.Copy !req
92. But do jokes about the traffic,
do impressions,Copy !req
93. maybe some blue material.Copy !req
94. Thank you very much.
Goodnight!Copy !req
95. Now?Copy !req
96. Now.Copy !req
97. Thank you very much.Copy !req
98. One thing I do not like...Copy !req
99. is too much traffic.Copy !req
100. You know?Copy !req
101. Tonight
I had to come...Copy !req
102. from... uh—Copy !req
103. A-And the freeway,Copy !req
104. it-it was so much traffic.Copy !req
105. I-It took me an hour
and a half to get here.Copy !req
106. But— But...Copy !req
107. talking about
the terrible things—Copy !req
108. My wife— take my wife.
Please take her.Copy !req
109. Ugh.Copy !req
110. No.Copy !req
111. No. I am only fooling.Copy !req
112. I— I-I love my wife,Copy !req
113. but she don't know
how to cook.Copy !req
114. Her cooking is so bad.Copy !req
115. - It's terrible.
- No.Copy !req
116. Now I-I would like to—Copy !req
117. I would like
to do for you...Copy !req
118. the imitations.Copy !req
119. I would like to start...Copy !req
120. with the—
the Jimmy Carter.Copy !req
121. The president
of the United States.Copy !req
122. Hello, I am Jimmy Carter,Copy !req
123. the president of the United States.Copy !req
124. God!Copy !req
125. Thank you very much.Copy !req
126. And now I would like
to do for you...Copy !req
127. the—Copy !req
128. the EIvis Presley.Copy !req
129. Well, it's one for the money
two for the show
three to get readyCopy !req
130. Now go, cat, go
Now, don't youCopy !req
131. Step on my blue
suede shoesCopy !req
132. Well, you can do anything
but Iay off of
my blue suede shoesCopy !req
133. Let's go, cat!Copy !req
134. Budd, what's the story
with this guy?Copy !req
135. I think he's
from Lithuania.Copy !req
136. Oh, blue, blue
blue suede shoesCopy !req
137. Baby, blue, blue
blue suede shoes, honeyCopy !req
138. Blue, blue
blue suede shoes, babyCopy !req
139. Blue, blue
blue suede shoesCopy !req
140. You can do anything
but Iay off of
my blue suede shoesCopy !req
141. Oh, well
we were dancin'Copy !req
142. We were dancin'Copy !req
143. To the jailhouse rockCopy !req
144. All right!Copy !req
145. Whoo!Copy !req
146. Thank you very much.Copy !req
147. Hey, I really enjoyed your set.Copy !req
148. I didn't mean to startle you.
I really Iiked what you did out there.Copy !req
149. Thank you very much.Copy !req
150. So I understand
you're from Lithuania.Copy !req
151. No, I am from Caspiar.Copy !req
152. Caspiar, huh?Copy !req
153. It is a very small island
in the Caspian Sea.Copy !req
154. It sunk.Copy !req
155. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh—Copy !req
156. Look, uh, I'm probably
out of my mind,Copy !req
157. but I think you're
very interesting,Copy !req
158. and if you ever need representation,
we should talk.Copy !req
159. Okay.Copy !req
160. "George Shapiro."
Mr. Shapiro.Copy !req
161. Wow.Copy !req
162. - It is an honor, sir.
- Caspiar, huh?Copy !req
163. I wanna be the biggest star
in the world.Copy !req
164. Well, people
love comedians.Copy !req
165. I'm not a comedian.
I don't do jokes.Copy !req
166. I don't even know what's funny.
I'm a song-and-dance man.Copy !req
167. - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.Copy !req
168. Uh, I particularly suggest
the Iotus root.Copy !req
169. Um, but y-y-you, uh,Copy !req
170. you know, you show
a lot of promise.Copy !req
171. And my concern is
I don't know where to book you.Copy !req
172. You're not a stand-up,
and, uh,Copy !req
173. your act doesn't exactly
translate itself to film, so—Copy !req
174. Um—Copy !req
175. So help me.
Where do you see yourself?Copy !req
176. Well, I've always wanted
to play Carnegie Hall.Copy !req
177. That's funny.Copy !req
178. See, I don't want to go
for cheap Iaughs.Copy !req
179. I want real gut reactions.Copy !req
180. I want the audience
to have gone through an experience.Copy !req
181. They love me, they hate me,
they walk out. It's all great.Copy !req
182. - Andy, you got a Iittle something—
- Hmm?Copy !req
183. Oh.Copy !req
184. When I'm famous,
I'm gonna sell these,Copy !req
185. as worn by Andy Kaufman.Copy !req
186. You can have this one.Copy !req
187. It's probably gonna be worth a lot
'cause it was actually up my nose.Copy !req
188. You're insane!Copy !req
189. But you might also
be brilliant.Copy !req
190. Hello.
George Shapiro here.Copy !req
191. Uh... yeah!
Is this George Shapiro?Copy !req
192. - Yeah, speaking.
- Speaking!Copy !req
193. Reeking, seeking, creaking.
Freaking!Copy !req
194. Big freaking deal! Tell me something
I don't know, toadstool!Copy !req
195. Can I help you
with something?Copy !req
196. Yeah, you can stay away
from Andy Kaufman,
if you know what's good for you.Copy !req
197. - Crankshaft!
- Who is this?Copy !req
198. Do not twist my noodle,
toy poodle!Copy !req
199. This is Tony CIifton,
a name to respect, a name to fear!Copy !req
200. - Kaufman is a Iying bastard.
He is a psychopath!Copy !req
201. Now slowly open your eyes.Copy !req
202. You should feel rested,
relaxed and alert.Copy !req
203. Uh, I would like to thank you,
Your Holiness.Copy !req
204. My heart is radiating
pure energy.Copy !req
205. - Okay—
- Oh, no. Wait.Copy !req
206. Wait. Uh— I'm sorry.Copy !req
207. Uh, I have a question.Copy !req
208. Is there—Copy !req
209. Is there a secret
to being funny?Copy !req
210. Yes.Copy !req
211. Silence.Copy !req
212. Upbeat]Copy !req
213. Welcome back
to Saturday Night Live.Copy !req
214. And now, as a special treat
on our first show,Copy !req
215. musical guest
Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
216. What's wrong
with this guy?Copy !req
217. This is dead air.Copy !req
218. Band]Copy !req
219. Mr. Trouble never
hangs aroundCopy !req
220. When he hears
this mighty soundCopy !req
221. - Here I come
to save the dayCopy !req
222. That means that Mighty Mouse
is on his wayCopy !req
223. Yes, sir, when there is
a wrong to rightCopy !req
224. Mighty Mouse
will join the fightCopy !req
225. On the sea
or on the landCopy !req
226. He gets the situation
well in handCopy !req
227. So though we are in danger
we never despairCopy !req
228. 'Cause we know that
where there's danger
he is thereCopy !req
229. - He is there
on the land, on the seaCopy !req
230. In the airCopy !req
231. - We're not worrying
at allCopy !req
232. We're just listening
for his callCopy !req
233. - Here I come
to save the dayCopy !req
234. That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the wayCopy !req
235. - Mr. Kaufman?
- Hmm? Oh.Copy !req
236. Hi. Right this way,
please.Copy !req
237. - Okay.
- George is expecting you.Copy !req
238. Hey, Andy.Copy !req
239. Hey.Copy !req
240. - Thanks for coming out.
- Oh, thank you, George.Copy !req
241. - Come on, sit down.
- Um, oh.Copy !req
242. - Wow, they're— Which one?
- Either one.Copy !req
243. - They're both red.
- Yeah.Copy !req
244. This one, I guess.Copy !req
245. - So did you have a nice flight?
- I-I did.Copy !req
246. I had a really good flight,
and the stewardess was very, very nice.Copy !req
247. And she allowed me
to keep my headphones.Copy !req
248. - Oh, that's terrific!
- Yep. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
249. Andy,
I got something better.Copy !req
250. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
251. This is big.Copy !req
252. Okay.Copy !req
253. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
254. You are getting
a once-in-a-Iifetime,Copy !req
255. very Iucrative
opportunity...Copy !req
256. to star on a prime time
network sitcom!Copy !req
257. - A sitcom?
- Yeah.Copy !req
258. And this is a class act.Copy !req
259. It all takes place
in a taxi stand.Copy !req
260. And you're gonna be
the Fonzie.Copy !req
261. I'm... Fonzie?Copy !req
262. No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.Copy !req
263. The Fonzie, the crazy,
breakout character...Copy !req
264. who all the kids
imitate,Copy !req
265. and they put him
on the Iunch boxes.Copy !req
266. - I hate sitcoms, George.
I've never Iiked them.
- Hold on.Copy !req
267. - These guys have seen
your foreign man character.
- Yeah?Copy !req
268. And they wanna
turn him...Copy !req
269. into a Iovable,
goofy mechanic...Copy !req
270. named—Copy !req
271. Latka.Copy !req
272. - Uh, no.
- No?Copy !req
273. - No.
- No to which part?Copy !req
274. No to the whole thing.
It doesn't sound good to me.Copy !req
275. - Andy, this is every
comedian's dream!
- I'm not a comedian.Copy !req
276. A-And sitcoms are the Iowest
form of entertainment.Copy !req
277. I mean, it's just...Copy !req
278. stupid jokes
and canned Iaughter!Copy !req
279. And you don't know why
it's there, but it's there.Copy !req
280. It's dead people Iaughing.
Did you know that?
Those people are dead!Copy !req
281. This is—
This is classy.Copy !req
282. I-I don't care.Copy !req
283. I-I wanna generate
my-my own material.Copy !req
284. Look, I-listen.
Listen to me.Copy !req
285. Look, I've been in this business
for 20 years!Copy !req
286. I know. I've seen this!
I know this.Copy !req
287. If you pass up
this opportunity,Copy !req
288. you will never, never see
another one like it again.Copy !req
289. Never!Copy !req
290. Yeah.Copy !req
291. - Okay. I'll do it.
- Ah.Copy !req
292. - But I have some terms.
- Oh, sure.Copy !req
293. That's— That's what
negotiations are all about.Copy !req
294. - What are you doing?
- I'm writing out my terms.Copy !req
295. Wh— What, are you
making fun of me?Copy !req
296. - Those are my terms.
- Th-This is ridiculous.Copy !req
297. It's what I need.
It's what I need to do the show.Copy !req
298. Wh-What is this?
It says, "Four guaranteed
guest spots for Tony CIifton."Copy !req
299. - Who's Tony CIifton?
- He's a Vegas Iounge singer.Copy !req
300. And, um, I used to do
impressions of him,Copy !req
301. and we sort of got
into a fight over it.Copy !req
302. - This CIifton called me.
- He did?Copy !req
303. - He's a Ioon! He hates you.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
304. He just talks tough,
but I owe him.Copy !req
305. And if I'm the new Fonz,Copy !req
306. then ABC is just gonna have to...
give me what I want!Copy !req
307. Hey!Copy !req
308. Mr. Kaufman will only appear
in half the episodes of Taxi.Copy !req
309. Mr. Kaufman requires
an undisturbed 90 minutes
of meditation prior to filming.Copy !req
310. Uh, Mr. Kaufman gets
his own network special.Copy !req
311. And, uh, Taxi
must guarantee...Copy !req
312. four guest appearances
for Tony CIifton.Copy !req
313. Who? Who?Copy !req
314. Tony CIifton.Copy !req
315. Who the hell
is Tony CIifton?Copy !req
316. Uh—Copy !req
317. I don't know.Copy !req
318. And now—Copy !req
319. now Mama Rivoli's
is proud to present...Copy !req
320. an international
singing sensation!Copy !req
321. Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Tony CIifton!Copy !req
322. Ha!Copy !req
323. Come on.Copy !req
324. All right, all right!Copy !req
325. Ladies and gentlemen,
uh,Copy !req
326. due to Mr. CIifton's
vocal constraints,
out of respect for him,Copy !req
327. he asks that
if you please extinguish...Copy !req
328. your smoking material,
your cigars and cigarettes.Copy !req
329. Goddamn! I paid ten bucks
for that cigar!Copy !req
330. Uh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
331. - Is he joking?
- And now,Copy !req
332. Iadies and gentlemen,
Mr. Entertainment,Copy !req
333. Tony CIifton!Copy !req
334. What does
he think he's doing?Copy !req
335. Vo...Copy !req
336. Iare, whoaCopy !req
337. Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wantare
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoaCopy !req
338. No wonder
my happy heart singsCopy !req
339. Your love
has given me wingsCopy !req
340. I got the wings
of a doveCopy !req
341. I got the wingsCopy !req
342. I got the chicken wings
from Kentucky Fried—Copy !req
343. Whoop-de-doo,
whoop-de-di!Copy !req
344. Stick a-a needle
in your eye!Copy !req
345. - Oh, my God.
- Let's get somethin'
straight, people.Copy !req
346. I play big showrooms
in Vegas.Copy !req
347. I need this place like I need
a shotgun blast to the face!Copy !req
348. Now, let's go do wn andmeet
some of the audience.Copy !req
349. All right.Copy !req
350. How are you all doin'?
Where you from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
351. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
352. Whoa! Somebody's wearin'
a lot of perfume around here!Copy !req
353. - Must be that time
of the month, huh?Copy !req
354. Yeah, I know all the tricks.
How are you doin'?Copy !req
355. You havin' a— You enjoyin' that
pasta carbonara?Copy !req
356. It appears that you are.Copy !req
357. Whoops! Hey, look out!
I think you sat in some cottage cheese.Copy !req
358. Oh, pardon me. That's your ass.Copy !req
359. Aww!Copy !req
360. How you doin'?
You enjoyin' the show?Copy !req
361. - Yeah.
- Huh?Copy !req
362. - Yeah.
- What's your name?Copy !req
363. Bob.Copy !req
364. Bob! Bo-o-ob!Copy !req
365. Bo-o-ob! Bo-o-ob!Copy !req
366. - What's your last name?
Up and down in the water?
- Ugh.Copy !req
367. Huh?Copy !req
368. Gorsky.Copy !req
369. - Gorsky? That Polish?
- Yeah.Copy !req
370. You tryin' to do
some Polish humor?Copy !req
371. - No, that's, uh—
- Shut up!Copy !req
372. - That's just my name.
- Shut up!Copy !req
373. I do not appreciate,
uh, racial slurs!Copy !req
374. I think them dumb Polacks
been ridiculed enough.Copy !req
375. I do a clean show here.Copy !req
376. You wanna see some humor?
Here's some humor right here.Copy !req
377. Right there, okay?
Awww!Copy !req
378. Sit down and enjoy that, okay?Copy !req
379. And you— Shapiro!Copy !req
380. I'll see you backstage, baldy.Copy !req
381. Vo...Copy !req
382. IareCopy !req
383. What do you want?Copy !req
384. Just a Iittle friendly conversation,
George.Copy !req
385. You hungry?Copy !req
386. You look thin!Copy !req
387. Y-You-You—Copy !req
388. Italiano, cacciatore
scallopini, pasta fazoolCopy !req
389. I don't understand
this act.Copy !req
390. It's good, old-fashioned
entertainment, George.
Everyone loves a villain.Copy !req
391. - What about that poor schlub
you humiliated?
- Hey, man, excellent show.Copy !req
392. - That was a great show.
- Yeah, good show for you. Um, George.Copy !req
393. This is, uh, my writer
and old friend Bob Zmuda.Copy !req
394. Hey, George.
How are you? I'm Bob.Copy !req
395. - He's very creative.
- Yes.Copy !req
396. - I am the brains
behind this operation.
- Dream on.Copy !req
397. He once faked a Iion escaping
from the Chicago Zoo.Copy !req
398. This was fantastic,
George.Copy !req
399. We got 40 actors
tearin' through the zoo,
they're all screamin'.Copy !req
400. - CIosed the place down.
- "There's a fuckin' Iion, man! A Iion!"Copy !req
401. Your name's not Gorsky.Copy !req
402. Don't believe everything
you hear, George.Copy !req
403. This cannot leave
this room.Copy !req
404. Do not write this down,
okay?Copy !req
405. Tony CIifton
is Andy Kaufman.Copy !req
406. And Andy Kaufman
is Tony CIifton.Copy !req
407. They'll deny it up and down,
but believe me, it's true.Copy !req
408. This is great business.Copy !req
409. You get two Andy Kaufmans
for the price of one.Copy !req
410. - Andy. Andy.
- What's up?Copy !req
411. They said yes.
You're gettin' everything. Everything!Copy !req
412. Bonus.Copy !req
413. - Whatever you want.
- Bonus! Thank you very much.Copy !req
414. - It was so good.
- I have to do Taxi, though, right?Copy !req
415. - You gotta do Taxi.
- Okay.Copy !req
416. Party time for Latka?Copy !req
417. - Not until you take off
those overalls.
- This is a good party.Copy !req
418. No, no, Latka!
Listen to me. Listen to me.Copy !req
419. There's a drug
in those cookies.Copy !req
420. No!Copy !req
421. No. No!Copy !req
422. Bed?Copy !req
423. I have never been so emotional...Copy !req
424. in all my life.Copy !req
425. And this is for my mother,
and this is for my father!Copy !req
426. And this is for
my grand father!Copy !req
427. I hope you have
a small family.Copy !req
428. - Ohh!
- Whee-ooh!Copy !req
429. - Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
430. Thank you very much!Copy !req
431. - I'm gonna quit.
- What?Copy !req
432. Every show is worse
than the last one.Copy !req
433. Forty million people
are watching your ass
every week, Kaufman.Copy !req
434. - What do they know?
- Absolutely nothing!
And that's the beauty.Copy !req
435. Man, look,
it's credibility.Copy !req
436. You make them love you now,
and then Iater on,Copy !req
437. on your special,
you can fuck with their heads.Copy !req
438. The sky is the Iimit, man.Copy !req
439. Oh, yeah?
I don't care!Copy !req
440. Sir, there's a problem
down on the Kaufman special.Copy !req
441. - They say he's not following
the technical requirements.
- Technical?Copy !req
442. Thanks for coming
on my show.Copy !req
443. Thanks for having me
on your show, Andy.Copy !req
444. - Right now, roll it!
- No.Copy !req
445. It's my special!
I have creative control. Now roll it!Copy !req
446. - No!
- Do it, man!Copy !req
447. - Hey, Andy! Hi.
- Be careful, please.Copy !req
448. Only positive energy allowed
beyond this point.Copy !req
449. I've been hearing fabulous things
about the special.Copy !req
450. What, did we hit
a Iittle speed bump?Copy !req
451. Mm-hmm,
and his name is Colin.Copy !req
452. Kid Genius told me to mess
with the vertical hold.Copy !req
453. - Show me.
- Show him.Copy !req
454. Show him, Colin.Copy !req
455. Thanks for having me
on your show, Andy.Copy !req
456. Boy, it sure—Copy !req
457. It'll be great. People will think
their TV is broken.Copy !req
458. They'll get out of their chairs,
walk over to the TV,Copy !req
459. twist the knobs,
call the TV store.Copy !req
460. "I paid a lot of money
for that TV!"Copy !req
461. They'll bang on the television,
but they won't be able to fix it!Copy !req
462. Andy. Andy.Copy !req
463. We don't want the viewers
to get out of their chairs.Copy !req
464. But it's funny.Copy !req
465. It's a practical joke.Copy !req
466. The viewer must be able
to see the program.Copy !req
467. But— But it's only
gonna be for 30 seconds.Copy !req
468. - Five.
- Twenty.Copy !req
469. Ten.Copy !req
470. Deal.Copy !req
471. - Okay, Andy. Ten seconds, huh?
- Ten seconds, okay.Copy !req
472. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
473. - Ten seconds is all
I really wanted.
- Ten seconds is perfect.Copy !req
474. You know, Howdy, I've been watching you
since I was a Iittle boy.Copy !req
475. I didn't even know
what television was.Copy !req
476. Oh, look at how cute he is, huh?
Isn't this great?Copy !req
477. - That is so moving.
- You're as real
as anyone else on the show.Copy !req
478. And I love you.
I really do.Copy !req
479. This is not funny.Copy !req
480. This is artsy-fartsy shit.
I mean, what—Copy !req
481. This is the magical part of the show.
The show's not all like this.Copy !req
482. It's hysterical.
It gets very funny.Copy !req
483. For Christ's sakes,
we're the number one network.
Can't we afford a decent TV?Copy !req
484. No, no, no, th-that's
part of the show.Copy !req
485. - This is part of the show?
- Yes.Copy !req
486. What do you mean,
it's part of the show?Copy !req
487. Th-That's the way Andy wants it,
with the rolling.Copy !req
488. Thanks, Andy.
I love you too.Copy !req
489. Tell Kaufman this network
will never air this program.Copy !req
490. Hey, that's
Andy Kaufman.Copy !req
491. Do you wanna bet?Copy !req
492. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
493. Hey, excuse me.
Are you Andy Kaufman?Copy !req
494. I get that all the time.Copy !req
495. Andy.Copy !req
496. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
497. Take off that apron.Copy !req
498. No. I'd rather work here
than at ABC.Copy !req
499. - Ah, I'm sorry.
They're a bunch of assholes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
500. We work in a creative business.
There's no telling what people
are gonna like or dislike.Copy !req
501. The only reason why I did Taxi—
the only reason—Copy !req
502. was so that I could
have my own special.Copy !req
503. I know.
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
504. Let me book you
some colleges now,Copy !req
505. and then I'll take
the special around.Copy !req
506. I'll show it to people
and see if anybody wants to buy it.Copy !req
507. We'll have a garage sale.
No, I'm over and out.Copy !req
508. - You know, you're not over and out.
- I am over and out.Copy !req
509. - You can't be over and out.
- I'll show you over and out.Copy !req
510. You've got a deal with ABC.
You've gotta honor it.Copy !req
511. All right. How much longer's left
on my contract?Copy !req
512. You signed for five years,
so...Copy !req
513. four years and seven months.Copy !req
514. Thank you.Copy !req
515. It's really great
to be here.Copy !req
516. We're gonna have
a great show tonight.Copy !req
517. Really good one!Copy !req
518. We're gonna— We're gonna start
by singing some songs.Copy !req
519. - Do Latka!
- Yeah, Latka!Copy !req
520. Come on, Latka!Copy !req
521. Latka! Latka! Latka!Copy !req
522. - Latka! Latka!
- Excuse me for one second.Copy !req
523. - I saw that.
- What?Copy !req
524. - Give me the book.
- What book? No, I'm not
going to give you the book.Copy !req
525. - Is something wrong?
- No, everything's okay. Fine.Copy !req
526. - Can I squeeze your nuts? Thanks.
- Ohh!Copy !req
527. They're askin' for it.Copy !req
528. Ladies and gentlemen,
since you're such a...Copy !req
529. special audience—Copy !req
530. Yeah!Copy !req
531. I'm going to reveal
for the very first time,Copy !req
532. ever, the real me.Copy !req
533. That's right.Copy !req
534. Ahem.
I'm actually British.Copy !req
535. And though I dabble in clowning,
I do find it so boorish,Copy !req
536. so... American.Copy !req
537. I prefer the fine arts,
henceforth, today...Copy !req
538. I am going to grace you
with a reading...Copy !req
539. of one of the greatest
novels ever written,Copy !req
540. The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald.Copy !req
541. Please.Copy !req
542. "In my younger
and more vulnerable years,Copy !req
543. my father gave me some advice
that I've been turning over
in my mind ever since.Copy !req
544. 'Whenever you feel
like criticizing anyone,'
he told me,Copy !req
545. - Latka!
- 'just remember that all
the people of this world...Copy !req
546. - Latka!
- haven't had the advantages
that you've had.'Copy !req
547. But he'd always been unusually
communicative in a reserved way,Copy !req
548. and I understood
that he meant...Copy !req
549. a great deal more than that."Copy !req
550. Thank you very much.Copy !req
551. Yeah!Copy !req
552. "In consequence,Copy !req
553. I'm inclined
to reserve all judgments,Copy !req
554. - a habit that has opened up
many curious natures to me...Copy !req
555. and also made me the victim
of not a few veteran bores."Copy !req
556. - Oh, come on!
- No, no. No, no.Copy !req
557. No, no, please keep it down.
We've got a long way to go.Copy !req
558. "They were the same people,Copy !req
559. or at least the same sort of people,
the same profusion of—"Copy !req
560. I tell you what.Copy !req
561. Would you rather I kept reading,
or do you prefer to hear
the phonograph record?Copy !req
562. Record!Copy !req
563. - I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
- Record!Copy !req
564. - Are you positive?
- Yeah!Copy !req
565. - Very well then.
- Yeah, "Mighty Mouse"!Copy !req
566. "His presence gave the evening
it's quality of oppressiveness.Copy !req
567. It stands out in my memory
from Gatsby's other parties
that summer."Copy !req
568. The green Iight,
the orgiastic future...Copy !req
569. that year by year recedes before us.Copy !req
570. Tomorrow—Copy !req
571. Tomorrow
we will run faster,Copy !req
572. stretch our arms out
further,Copy !req
573. and one fine morning,Copy !req
574. so we beat on,
boats against the current,Copy !req
575. borne back ceaselessly...Copy !req
576. into the past."Copy !req
577. The end.Copy !req
578. All right!Copy !req
579. You wanna play Arizona State?Copy !req
580. You give 'em Mighty Mouse.
You give 'em EIvis.Copy !req
581. - I-I gave them The Great Gatsby.
- Yes.Copy !req
582. - F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work.
- A classic.Copy !req
583. - His finest piece of work.
- I don't care.Copy !req
584. Andy.Copy !req
585. Andy, you have to look inside
and ask this question.Copy !req
586. Who are you trying
to entertain?Copy !req
587. The audience
or yourself?Copy !req
588. Excuse me.Copy !req
589. Ah.Copy !req
590. - Bob. Bob, I'm-I'm—
- What, George?Copy !req
591. I'm worried about Andy.Copy !req
592. This is not good. His stress Ievel
is affecting his work.Copy !req
593. Calm down, George.
That's not gonna help anything.Copy !req
594. Look, uh,Copy !req
595. Tony CIifton is gonna go on Taxi
next week.Copy !req
596. That should, uh,
let him blow off steam
and relieve the stress.Copy !req
597. - Bob, Bob, Bob.
- Okay?Copy !req
598. Andy needs to relax.
This is your job.Copy !req
599. - You have to take him away
from all of this.
- My job.Copy !req
600. - Would you come on?
- Okay.Copy !req
601. Sh—Copy !req
602. - Hi. How are you doin' today?
- Fine.Copy !req
603. - Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
604. - How are you?
- Peachy.Copy !req
605. Oh.Copy !req
606. YeahCopy !req
607. - What do— What do we do now?
- Now you pick.Copy !req
608. But what if I...
hurt somebody's feelings?Copy !req
609. For Christ's sake, you're not
gonna hurt anybody's feelings.Copy !req
610. They're— They're all professionals.
All right?Copy !req
611. Okay.Copy !req
612. All right.
Which one?Copy !req
613. I will have both!Copy !req
614. I will have this fraulein
und the one with the big strudels.Copy !req
615. Mach schnell,
mach schnell!Copy !req
616. Oh, no. Zmuda,
I'm gonna kill you.Copy !req
617. Excellent choice.Copy !req
618. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
619. Are you having
a good day?Copy !req
620. It's kind of a big day.Copy !req
621. It's my buddy's first time
with a prostitute.Copy !req
622. What are you talkin' about?
Andy comes here almost every weekend.Copy !req
623. Who, Andy?Copy !req
624. Oh, he doesn't always
call himself that.Copy !req
625. Sometimes he's Tony,
and he wears a tux.Copy !req
626. - Yeah
- Oh, ho!Copy !req
627. Hey, um,Copy !req
628. if— if I gave you both...Copy !req
629. three hundred dollars,Copy !req
630. would you, um,Copy !req
631. come to Hollywood and help me
destroy a TV show?Copy !req
632. Five hundred.Copy !req
633. What am I, Harry Houdini, huh?Copy !req
634. Oh, we busted through.
Come on, girls.Copy !req
635. Welcome to
the Follies "Bree-gere."Copy !req
636. - Okay, here's the man. Tony CIifton.
- Taxi, Iaxy.Copy !req
637. - Just the factsy, Maxie.
- Hi.Copy !req
638. Hey, hot shot.
How you doin'?Copy !req
639. - Ed Weinberger.
- Take a hike! Okay, all right, huh?Copy !req
640. All right.Copy !req
641. - What are we doin', huh?
- Here's your script, uh, Tony.Copy !req
642. - That's the script I was given?
- Yeah.Copy !req
643. That's the one I have to do?
Okay, let me see.Copy !req
644. Okay, bullshit, bullshit,
my line.Copy !req
645. Bullshit, bullshit,
my line.Copy !req
646. Ohh! Ha-ha!Copy !req
647. That's hilarious!
That is hilarious!Copy !req
648. I reviewed that script last night
and I was not satisfied.Copy !req
649. - Yeah, well—
- I was not satisfied.Copy !req
650. - Why don't we—
- So I made a few changes.Copy !req
651. I stayed up all night
with these sweet Iadies right here.Copy !req
652. This is Lemonade.Copy !req
653. - That'll keep you going
on a hot day.
- Can we get to work?Copy !req
654. And this is Melonia.
How's my Iittle produce department?Copy !req
655. Honk, honk, honk,
honk, honk.Copy !req
656. This is the new Taxi
theme song.Copy !req
657. Oh, yes
we drive a taxiCopy !req
658. Aaaah!Copy !req
659. Aah-aah-aah-aah-ahh!Copy !req
660. George.Copy !req
661. Now, I can't afford
to blow this whole episode, so...Copy !req
662. we have to let him go.Copy !req
663. I'm not sure howAndy's
gonna take this.Copy !req
664. We'll just have to
go down and tell him.Copy !req
665. But-But that's Tony down there.
It's not Andy.Copy !req
666. I don't give a fuck who that is.
I'm gonna fire him.Copy !req
667. Okay. All right.Copy !req
668. But we better
warn Andy first.Copy !req
669. He's up in San Francisco
doin' a concert.Copy !req
670. I'll call my secretary.Copy !req
671. Diane, this is George.Copy !req
672. - I'm trying to reach Andy
up in San Francisco.
- Okay.Copy !req
673. - I'll patch you through.
- I'll wait.Copy !req
674. - Hello.
- Andy, I'm gonna put you
on the speaker.Copy !req
675. - Hello, Andy. Hi.
- Hello?Copy !req
676. - I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.
- Hi, Ed.Copy !req
677. - Hi, Andy.
- How are you?Copy !req
678. - I'm fine.
- Good.Copy !req
679. - Andy, there's been
some trouble with Tony.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
680. Did— Did he get hurt?Copy !req
681. - No.
- Andy, it's nothing like— No.Copy !req
682. - Did he hurt someone else?
- No, no. It's not that.Copy !req
683. Andy, uh, the reason
I'm calling you like this...Copy !req
684. is I have the utmost respect
for your artistry.Copy !req
685. Well, may I say that I've
always appreciated that, Ed.Copy !req
686. Thank you, but you see,
in this instance, um,Copy !req
687. I have to ask your
permission to fire Tony.Copy !req
688. Oh, my.Copy !req
689. George, this
is gonna kill Tony.Copy !req
690. - He's waited for this his whole life.
- There'll be other shots.Copy !req
691. Yeah, we have to do this.
He's just a terrible actor.Copy !req
692. Okay, but please,
let him down gently.Copy !req
693. Trust us.Copy !req
694. Fuck you!
I'm not goin'!Copy !req
695. We had a deal.Copy !req
696. I don't know who you talked to.
I didn't talk to anybody.Copy !req
697. - You must have talked to someone else!
- I was talkin' to Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
698. - I don't know no Andy Kaufman!
- Okay.Copy !req
699. Security, get in here!Copy !req
700. Security!Copy !req
701. Aah.Copy !req
702. Don't hurt him!Copy !req
703. - He's a talented man!
- I don't want any pictures
leaving this set.Copy !req
704. Hey, give me that! This is Zmuda!
He's one of 'em!Copy !req
705. - You guys ever go to Vegas,
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
706. you're not gettin' in!Copy !req
707. Hey, come back!
Give me the camera! Come here!Copy !req
708. - Give me the camera!
- What?Copy !req
709. I got 20 bucks says
you work for me now!Copy !req
710. I would like
to use the phone!Copy !req
711. - Not on the lot, sir.
- How 'bout a bathroom?
I may have shit my pants.Copy !req
712. - Drink of water? Aspirin?
- Nope.Copy !req
713. - Moist towelette?
- No.Copy !req
714. In that case, it has been an honor.
"Good-bee"!Copy !req
715. This is great!Copy !req
716. This is too much, man.Copy !req
717. It makes Tony real,
gives him three dimensions.Copy !req
718. It's good for his career,
George.Copy !req
719. Oh, really? You wanna book Tony CIifton
at Harrah's Tahoe.Copy !req
720. I know the college kids
really like Andy Kaufman.Copy !req
721. No, no, no. L-Look, Gene,
let me be really clear about this.Copy !req
722. If you book Tony,
do not expect to get Andy.Copy !req
723. Yeah, yeah, well,
I'll take my chances, all right?Copy !req
724. All right.
Be my guest. Book him.Copy !req
725. Shut up!Copy !req
726. Shut the hell up,
all of ya!Copy !req
727. You make one more sound,
I'll come down there and put
your frickin' head in the soup!Copy !req
728. Whew.Copy !req
729. When I go like this,
it means I-I expect total silence!Copy !req
730. There is an artiste
on stage.Copy !req
731. That's better.Copy !req
732. Oh, whether I'm rightCopy !req
733. Or whether I'm wrongCopy !req
734. Oh, whether I find
a place in this worldCopy !req
735. Or never belongCopy !req
736. I've got to be meCopy !req
737. I've gotta be meCopy !req
738. Willing to try
to do it or dieCopy !req
739. Yaah! Hah!
Aah!Copy !req
740. What?Copy !req
741. Thank you very much!Copy !req
742. Thank you.
I do all my own stunts.Copy !req
743. I've got to beCopy !req
744. EeeeCopy !req
745. Eeee-eeeCopy !req
746. What the hell's
goin' on?Copy !req
747. Kaufman?Copy !req
748. Kaufman's crappin'
on my act!Copy !req
749. Where's it say Kaufman's
in the act?Copy !req
750. - May I borrow this for a second?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
751. No!Copy !req
752. Ah, now you are
all wet, huh?Copy !req
753. You look like you could use
a Iittle drink up there.Copy !req
754. Why don't you go on,
get out of here!Copy !req
755. Why don't you just
take off, Kaufman!Copy !req
756. Get out of here,
Iittle drummer boy!Copy !req
757. Stay!Copy !req
758. - I've got to be
- Don't leave, Andy! Come back!Copy !req
759. EeeeCopy !req
760. - Go home!
- VolareCopy !req
761. Whoa-ohCopy !req
762. Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa
wantareCopy !req
763. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoaCopy !req
764. Uhh! Ah!Copy !req
765. Jesus Christ.
Close the goddamn door. Close it!Copy !req
766. Oh. Look at you.Copy !req
767. You're so proud.Copy !req
768. You're like some stupid kid
who comes home from school—Copy !req
769. "Look, Dad,
I got an 'F."'Copy !req
770. But wasn't it funny?Copy !req
771. "Yes, it was funny, Andy.
It was."Copy !req
772. Yes, it was funny
for a Iittle while,Copy !req
773. until the audience realized
that Tony wasn't you.Copy !req
774. Oh. Mmm.
Ohhh!Copy !req
775. So what do you have here?Copy !req
776. A big, elaborate joke that's only funny
to two people in the universe—Copy !req
777. you and you.Copy !req
778. Yeah, sure, George, yeah,
and we happen to think
that it's hilarious.Copy !req
779. But what's the point?
What is the point?Copy !req
780. It's fun, George!Copy !req
781. How is this gonna make you
the biggest star in the world?Copy !req
782. George...Copy !req
783. at this point the audience
expects me to completely
shock them all the time.Copy !req
784. But short of faking my own death
or setting the theater on fire,Copy !req
785. I don't know
what else to do.Copy !req
786. 'Cause I've always gotta be
one step ahead of them.Copy !req
787. Whoa-ohh!Copy !req
788. It's like ballet. Whoa!Copy !req
789. Did you see that?Copy !req
790. Bam!Copy !req
791. dropped to the canvas—Copy !req
792. These guys are brilliant.
I wanna be a bad guy wrestler
in the worst way.Copy !req
793. I hate to break it to you,
but the problem here is
you don't have the build for it.Copy !req
794. These guys are huge.Copy !req
795. They would kick your ass.Copy !req
796. Maybe I can pick on someone
a Iittle smaller than me.Copy !req
797. No, no. Women are superior to men
in many ways.Copy !req
798. That's right.Copy !req
799. - When it comes to cooking,
cleaning, washing potatoes,Copy !req
800. scrubbing the carrots,
making the babies,Copy !req
801. mopping the floors,Copy !req
802. they have it
all over men.Copy !req
803. But when it comes
to wrestling—Copy !req
804. Shut up!Copy !req
805. Be quiet
when a man is talking!Copy !req
806. If there is a woman here tonight
who can come up here
and prove me wrong,Copy !req
807. I will shut my mouth
and pay her $500.Copy !req
808. I can do it!Copy !req
809. Right here!Copy !req
810. First come,
first served!Copy !req
811. Come on!
You wanna take me?Copy !req
812. Come on up here.Copy !req
813. - What's your name, sweetheart?
- Lynne.Copy !req
814. Lynne. We got Lynne
as a volunteer.Copy !req
815. - Lynne, sweetheart, pay attention.
- You're pathetic!Copy !req
816. We'll see about that,
Suzy QCopy !req
817. I want no kicking, biting,
scratching, head butts.
Do you understand?Copy !req
818. - Why? He's gonna play fair?
- I am not concerned with him.Copy !req
819. - He is a professional.
- It's up to you to pin me.Copy !req
820. - Yes, I understand.
- Very good.
Could we please shake hands.Copy !req
821. Oooh!Copy !req
822. Come out wrestling
when you hear the bell.Copy !req
823. You see?
You see this?Copy !req
824. Yeah! Whoa!Copy !req
825. Hey, no choke holds!
I told you!Copy !req
826. Yeah!
Come on!Copy !req
827. Oww!Copy !req
828. I said, break it up,
Kaufman!Copy !req
829. - First warning!
- For what?Copy !req
830. You pulled her hair!
You won't be getting
a second warning!Copy !req
831. Shut up!Copy !req
832. I am the champion!
No woman can beat—Copy !req
833. Ohh!Copy !req
834. - Ohh!
- Come on! Ohh!Copy !req
835. One! Two!Copy !req
836. Three! That is it!Copy !req
837. It is over! It is over!
That is it!Copy !req
838. You are out!
You are down!Copy !req
839. The winner and undisputed
intergender wrestling
champion of the world,Copy !req
840. Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
841. I am the winner!Copy !req
842. I've got the brains!Copy !req
843. - Ma'am, here is your
complimentary photo of Merv.
- Thank you.Copy !req
844. - And your Turtle Wax.
- I don't want Turtle Wax.Copy !req
845. Every guest of Merv
takes Turtle Wax.Copy !req
846. - And here is your gift voucher
to Red Lobster.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
847. Hey, hey, hey.
I just wanted to thank you
for doing such a great job.Copy !req
848. - I really appreciate it.
- Don't patronize me.Copy !req
849. - Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?Copy !req
850. I hope you don't take
everything I did in there seriously.Copy !req
851. It's just
part of the show.Copy !req
852. It's like the old days
of the carnival barker...Copy !req
853. when he'd get the crowd
all riled up.Copy !req
854. So you just pretend
to be an asshole?Copy !req
855. That's what I'm good at.Copy !req
856. Yeah, you are.Copy !req
857. You are really, really good at it.
You are.Copy !req
858. Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces
of hate mail.Copy !req
859. Don't make me Iaugh, George.Copy !req
860. Andy, Merv does not
get hate mail.Copy !req
861. That means
we're a success.Copy !req
862. Oh.Copy !req
863. We got the room all worked up,
like punk rock.Copy !req
864. They detest you.Copy !req
865. The next time you make an appearance,
women are gonna picket.Copy !req
866. Do you think so?Copy !req
867. Yes, because you have not given them
any clues that this is a parody.Copy !req
868. That's because I've only done it once.
They'll get used to it.Copy !req
869. Because I'm gonna do it
again and again...Copy !req
870. - and again and again
and again and again—Copy !req
871. Oh, Rose MarieCopy !req
872. I love youCopy !req
873. I'm always dreamingCopy !req
874. Of youCopy !req
875. No matter what I doCopy !req
876. - Aaah!
- No matter what I doCopy !req
877. I can't forget youCopy !req
878. Sometimes
I wish that I'dCopy !req
879. Never met youCopy !req
880. And yet if ICopy !req
881. Should lose youCopy !req
882. Time out!Copy !req
883. It would mean
my very lifeCopy !req
884. - What's your problem?
- To meCopy !req
885. All right,
you are out of here!Copy !req
886. Of all the queens
that ever IivedCopy !req
887. I choose youCopy !req
888. To rule meCopy !req
889. - My Rose Marie
- Two adults, please. Thank you.Copy !req
890. - You want some popcorn?
- Um, no, thank you.Copy !req
891. I really want one.Copy !req
892. Um, a Iarge tub of popcorn, please.
Extra butter.Copy !req
893. Why did you call me?
You are the last person
I expected to call me.Copy !req
894. Gosh, uh—
Gee, Lynne, I mean—Copy !req
895. I was just so impressed
with your wrestling moves.Copy !req
896. Yeah, you're impressed
with something.Copy !req
897. - You had a huge boner
on national television.
- Oh, man!Copy !req
898. - Yes, you did!
- Come on.Copy !req
899. I had it taped down
and everything.Copy !req
900. I hope
I didn't offend you.Copy !req
901. I'm here, aren't I?Copy !req
902. Hey, wanna go to Memphis
and get married?Copy !req
903. Do I wanna go to Memphis
and get married?Copy !req
904. - Mm-hmm.
- Wh—Copy !req
905. Why Memphis?Copy !req
906. Because Memphis is the wrestling capital
of the world.Copy !req
907. I'll get up in the ring...Copy !req
908. and I'll announce that I'll marry
the first woman who beats me.Copy !req
909. Then you can get up, we'll wrestle,
I'll let you win—Copy !req
910. - You'll let me win?
- I'll let you win. I'll let you.Copy !req
911. Then we'll run off and get married
on the David Letterman show.Copy !req
912. - God!
- Okay?Copy !req
913. What do you say?Copy !req
914. Is this for real?Copy !req
915. - Shut up!
- Boo!Copy !req
916. Shut up!Copy !req
917. I demand silence
when I am talking!Copy !req
918. Total Iack of respect
from Mr. Hollywood—Copy !req
919. If there is one woman here tonight
who thinks she can defeat me,Copy !req
920. that Iucky Iittle Iady...Copy !req
921. will get to marry me!Copy !req
922. Let me ask you, folks—
What kind of man would
wrestle a woman anyway?Copy !req
923. Kaufman!Copy !req
924. - Kaufman!
- Oooh.Copy !req
925. - Whoo!
- I'll take you on, you sissy.Copy !req
926. Whoa! The Iittle Iady is upset!Copy !req
927. Well, let me tell you something,
baby.Copy !req
928. Go back to the kitchen
where you belong before you get hurt.Copy !req
929. You get in the kitchen,
'cause I'm gonna make you do my dishes!Copy !req
930. Hey!
Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
931. This woman is a fake!Copy !req
932. She's nothing more
than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend.Copy !req
933. What?
Well, there you go.Copy !req
934. That's not true! That's not true!Copy !req
935. Faker!Copy !req
936. - That is not true!
- Oh, yeah, that's true.
This is all a setup.Copy !req
937. I'm not gonna allow you to make fools
out of all these people.Copy !req
938. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
939. I'm Jerry Lawler,
the king of Memphis wrestling!Copy !req
940. He's the King.Copy !req
941. Hey, Kaufman,Copy !req
942. if you wanna
wrestle somebody,Copy !req
943. I brought a real wrestler.Copy !req
944. She's trained,
and she's ready!Copy !req
945. Let's see if you can handle
Foxy Jackson!Copy !req
946. Oh, my!Copy !req
947. Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman
right here, one-on-one!Copy !req
948. I never agreed to this!
I will not do this!Copy !req
949. Lawler, I did not agree to this.
This is against the rules!Copy !req
950. I don't think that Kaufman
is prepared for Foxy Jackson.Copy !req
951. - Kick his butt!
- Mr. Hollywood.Copy !req
952. Again, Kaufman showing
a total Iack of respect.Copy !req
953. Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman
to the woodshed, folks.Copy !req
954. Kaufman's hangin' on the ropes
like a Iittle baby.Copy !req
955. Foxy's about to take Kaufman
right out of his shorts!Copy !req
956. - One, two—
- Can you believe it?Copy !req
957. - I got her!
- Get off of her!Copy !req
958. Get him off of her. Come on!Copy !req
959. Now there goes the King.Copy !req
960. Oh, the King just threw Kaufman down
like a rag doll!Copy !req
961. The King took matters
into his own hands!Copy !req
962. What are you doing?Copy !req
963. I do not wrestle men!Copy !req
964. I am gonna sue you,
Lawler!Copy !req
965. I am a national TV star,Copy !req
966. and I don't like
dumb, stupid crackers...Copy !req
967. coming in the ring,
pushing me around!Copy !req
968. I did not agree to wrestle you!
I did not agree!Copy !req
969. This is assault
and battery,Copy !req
970. and I'm gonna get a team of Iawyers
to sue you...Copy !req
971. and your children
and your children's children.Copy !req
972. Let me tell you something,
Kaufman.Copy !req
973. Wrestling's
a very serious sport to me,Copy !req
974. and I don't appreciate some jerk
like you trying to make fun of it.Copy !req
975. And I certainly don't appreciate
a jerk like you trying to make
fun of people from the South!Copy !req
976. So we can go to court,Copy !req
977. or you can get in the ring with a man
and wrestle for real!Copy !req
978. Oh, you wanna
"rassle" me?Copy !req
979. You wanna "rassle" me
Memphis style?Copy !req
980. Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. Lawler— I am gonna
make you scream for mercy!Copy !req
981. Come on, Kaufman!Copy !req
982. They didn't know
what hit them! Oh!Copy !req
983. Is it an act?
Is it an act?Copy !req
984. Or are you just addicted
to causing trouble?Copy !req
985. I can quit
anytime I want, baby!Copy !req
986. You know what?
I'm not a prop.Copy !req
987. Don't ever treat me
like that again.Copy !req
988. I'm sorry.
Hey. Hey.Copy !req
989. Uh, I just get caught up,
that's all.Copy !req
990. Sometimes I get lost.Copy !req
991. Please, Andy,
enough with the wrestling.Copy !req
992. You don't think
I can beat him?Copy !req
993. He's the Southern heavyweight champion.
He'll kill you.Copy !req
994. I don't know.Copy !req
995. I've wrestled women bigger than him,
and I've mopped the floor with them.Copy !req
996. First you piss off women.
Then you piss off the South.Copy !req
997. Then you get killed,
and I did the booking.Copy !req
998. Funny.Copy !req
999. Listen, I got this job
that I want you to take.Copy !req
1000. It's guest-hosting
the TV show Fridays.Copy !req
1001. It's not a great TV show,
but it'll be good for you.Copy !req
1002. It's Iive,
they'll give you carte blanche...Copy !req
1003. and you get back in the business
of making people Iaugh.Copy !req
1004. - You said Iive?
- Live.Copy !req
1005. I don't do drug humor.Copy !req
1006. Andy, it's fine.
This is what the show is all about.Copy !req
1007. Kids love this stuff.Copy !req
1008. I don't do drugs,
and I don't enjoy making Iight of them.Copy !req
1009. I was promised
creative control.Copy !req
1010. Nobody promised you
creative control.Copy !req
1011. I got you the script
three days ago, and you haven't
said a damn word until today.Copy !req
1012. We're going Iive in a few minutes.
It's too late.Copy !req
1013. Let's go!
Bring the audience in!Copy !req
1014. - Live
from the Los Angeles Basin,
- Janice, it's on!Copy !req
1015. it's Fridays!Copy !req
1016. Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
1017. In this sketch,
two married couples
are out to dinner.Copy !req
1018. Everybody has secretly
brought along a joint.Copy !req
1019. Carl was the last one
to sneak to the bathroom
to get a Iittle high,Copy !req
1020. and now he's coming
back to the table.Copy !req
1021. Gee, restaurants are amazing,
aren't they?Copy !req
1022. Strangers sitting around,
stuffing dead animals
into their faces.Copy !req
1023. It's incredible, isn't it?Copy !req
1024. Yeah, gee,Copy !req
1025. and... the bathrooms...Copy !req
1026. are... so...
colorful—Copy !req
1027. Everything okay... Carl?Copy !req
1028. I'm sorry.
I— I just... can't do it.Copy !req
1029. I— I can't play stoned.Copy !req
1030. Read the cue cards.Copy !req
1031. I can't play stoned.Copy !req
1032. I— I feel... stupid.Copy !req
1033. You feel stupid?
What about us?Copy !req
1034. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1035. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
1036. Andy.Copy !req
1037. You didn't have to do that.Copy !req
1038. Cut it out!Copy !req
1039. Oh— You jerk!Copy !req
1040. Okay, that's it.
Go to commercial now.Copy !req
1041. - I told you I didn't want
to do this sketch.
- Kaufman, get off my stage.Copy !req
1042. Don't you touch me!
You're a nut!Copy !req
1043. - Break it up!
- A nut!Copy !req
1044. Settle down.Copy !req
1045. Oh, why does Andy do that?
Why? Why?Copy !req
1046. I started using Suave—Copy !req
1047. We've gone
to commercial!Copy !req
1048. - Excuse me!
- You're never
gonna work at ABC again!Copy !req
1049. Excuse me!
Ladies and gentlemen, please.Copy !req
1050. You have all just participated
in a happening.Copy !req
1051. Oh!Copy !req
1052. Now, okay, you know,Copy !req
1053. to make it real, some of you
down there knew what was
going on and some of you didn't.Copy !req
1054. But we don't want
to upset the folks at home,Copy !req
1055. so nowAndy is going to tell them
that it was all just a prank.Copy !req
1056. Coming back
from commercial, and—Copy !req
1057. During
the commercials,Copy !req
1058. the people at ABC told me
to explain to you...Copy !req
1059. that this whole fight episode
was staged.Copy !req
1060. - Oh, good.
- It's a Iie!Copy !req
1061. It's a cover-up!Copy !req
1062. Why are you Iaughing?
I don't understand.
I'm not being funny now.Copy !req
1063. What you saw was real!Copy !req
1064. No, these— these things happen
all the time at the networks,
only they cut away.Copy !req
1065. - Cut to commercial.
- You see?Copy !req
1066. You see?Copy !req
1067. For sure they're gonna fire me,
so if you want to see me again
you'll have to come to Memphis—Copy !req
1068. - Ho ho ho
Green Giant
- What's in Memphis?Copy !req
1069. The Giant's flavor-tight pouch
Lets you—Copy !req
1070. That kid is totally meshuga.Copy !req
1071. Jerry Lawler!Copy !req
1072. The most popular athlete...Copy !req
1073. in the history
of Memphis, Tennessee,Copy !req
1074. stepping inside
a squared circle.Copy !req
1075. At 236 pounds,Copy !req
1076. Jerry "The King" Lawler!Copy !req
1077. "March And Fanfare']
- And introducing,Copy !req
1078. at 191 pounds,Copy !req
1079. the holder of the world
intergender championship,Copy !req
1080. here is Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
1081. You can hear
the ovation, or Iack of one,
forAndy Kaufman.Copy !req
1082. The cheers turned to jeers.Copy !req
1083. Lawler is gonna settle a score
for each and every one of us,Copy !req
1084. because we've all been insulted
by this hideous Andy Kaufman
from Hollywood, California.Copy !req
1085. The referee
assigned to this bout—Copy !req
1086. Before we begin this event,Copy !req
1087. I just want to say a couple of things
to you disgusting people!Copy !req
1088. Oh, come on.
That's just not right.Copy !req
1089. Are you listening to me?Copy !req
1090. Okay!Copy !req
1091. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1092. this is a bar of soap.Copy !req
1093. Say it with me.Copy !req
1094. "Soap."Copy !req
1095. All you have to do is
wet this bar of soap...Copy !req
1096. and wipe your hands
with it...Copy !req
1097. and rub it on your body,Copy !req
1098. and soon that disgusting,
filthy dirt will come off!Copy !req
1099. Why is he
saying these things?Copy !req
1100. He's just engaging the audience.
He's riling them up.Copy !req
1101. They are going
to Iynch him.Copy !req
1102. And now
for Iesson two!Copy !req
1103. This is toilet paper!Copy !req
1104. Oh, good grief!Copy !req
1105. You just—Copy !req
1106. I'm gonna tell you
something, Kaufman—
we've had enough of your crap!Copy !req
1107. Let's do what we came here to do.
Let's wrestle right now!Copy !req
1108. Well, here we go.
The King is ready.Copy !req
1109. And I hope, for Kaufman's sake,
he's ready.Copy !req
1110. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!Copy !req
1111. Kaufman's due a trip
to the old woodshed here.Copy !req
1112. Now, I never thought
I'd see the day that—Copy !req
1113. Yeah, look at Kaufman.Copy !req
1114. Yeah, Kaufman doesn't
want any part of Lawler.Copy !req
1115. He's an absolute
embarrassment to humanity,
this man from Hollywood.Copy !req
1116. You see?
I am from Hollywood!Copy !req
1117. - Who cares?
- I have the brains!Copy !req
1118. Nobody cares where you're from!Copy !req
1119. I'm the king
I'm the kingCopy !req
1120. I'm the king
of Memphis, TennesseeCopy !req
1121. Andy, please,
let's go home!Copy !req
1122. Don't worry, Mom.
I'll make you proud.Copy !req
1123. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Uh-oh, Kaufman got nailed
with something.Copy !req
1124. - Some fan threw something.
- Who did that?Copy !req
1125. Who did that?Copy !req
1126. - You cannot touch me! I will sue you!
- Hey, Kaufman!Copy !req
1127. - I make more money in one day
than you do...
- Kaufman!Copy !req
1128. in your entire Iives
combined!Copy !req
1129. Kaufman!Copy !req
1130. Did you come down here to wrestle
or act like an ass?Copy !req
1131. Now get in the ring.
I'll give you a free headlock.
Okay? Come on!Copy !req
1132. Lawler seems to be willing to offer
a free hold of some kind.Copy !req
1133. No, no.
Drop it now, Andy!Copy !req
1134. It's okay!
It's okay!Copy !req
1135. Let Kaufman get in there,
and let's see what kind of man he is.Copy !req
1136. One, two, three—Copy !req
1137. - I can't believe that the King
is gonna go through with this.Copy !req
1138. That big-mouth son of a gun
has got a free headlock!Copy !req
1139. Business
may pick up here.Copy !req
1140. I did it!
This is for real!Copy !req
1141. Uh-oh.
Oh, look out, Kaufman!Copy !req
1142. Oh, there he goes!
Oh, my!Copy !req
1143. Kaufman in trouble!Copy !req
1144. Look out! Look out!Copy !req
1145. The King folded him up
like an accordion that time.Copy !req
1146. Now the King
is asking this crowd...Copy !req
1147. if they want to see
the pile driver.Copy !req
1148. That's illegal.Copy !req
1149. Kaufman is out of it!Copy !req
1150. Oh, my!
Oh, my!Copy !req
1151. It's gonna be a pile driver!Copy !req
1152. There it is!Copy !req
1153. Oh! Andy!Copy !req
1154. He's hurt bad.Copy !req
1155. - That's an automatic
disqualification right there.
- Lawler, you—Copy !req
1156. Well, Kaufman wins it,
but he doesn't look
like a winner right now.Copy !req
1157. - Come on!
- Keep it clear. Keep it clear.Copy !req
1158. - Hey, George.
- Hey, Lorne.Copy !req
1159. - Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.
- Oh, please.Copy !req
1160. Right, I wanted to
talk to you about, uh,Copy !req
1161. putting Andy back
on Saturday Night Live.Copy !req
1162. I don't know whetherAndy
works on the show anymore.Copy !req
1163. - I mean,
the wrestling stuff is—
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1164. - Just, I think it's worn—
- The wres—Copy !req
1165. Yeah, we all agree, uh,
completely about the wrestling.Copy !req
1166. That's smart.Copy !req
1167. Yeah, uh—Copy !req
1168. - Andy is very sincere.
- Right.Copy !req
1169. He's gonna apologize to
Jerry Lawler and repent for
all his bad guy shenanigans.Copy !req
1170. I apologize for all the wrestling
I've ever done.Copy !req
1171. I'm sorry for all the grief
I've ever given.Copy !req
1172. I was just playing
bad guy wrestler, you know.
It's just a role. It's not me.Copy !req
1173. So, I guess Jerry
just, um,Copy !req
1174. um, took it personally.Copy !req
1175. Yeah, but, uh, I mean,
you said some pretty
inflammatory things.Copy !req
1176. Right. Everything's
a joke to this guy.
Just like that thing.Copy !req
1177. - I don't know if that's
a neck brace or a flea collar.
- That's not true.Copy !req
1178. This is serious.
I went to the hospital.Copy !req
1179. I was in the hospital
three days, in traction.Copy !req
1180. I'll tell you
something else.Copy !req
1181. My father said I could've
hired a Iawyer and sued you
for everything you've got.Copy !req
1182. But I didn't because
I'm not that kind of guy.Copy !req
1183. What kind of guy are you?Copy !req
1184. Tell you what— I think maybe
I'll get a Iawyer here.Copy !req
1185. If you were a man,
you'd apologize to me right now.Copy !req
1186. But you're just
poor white trash,Copy !req
1187. so I guess that's too Iofty
a concept for you.Copy !req
1188. I mean,
what are you gonna do—Copy !req
1189. Are we, uh— Is everything—
Are you okay? Huh?Copy !req
1190. This— I'm sick
of this shit, Lawler.Copy !req
1191. I'm gonna sue you for everything
you've got, I swear to God.Copy !req
1192. Fuck you! Okay?
Okay, Lawler?Copy !req
1193. Fuck you!
I'm sorry, Dave.Copy !req
1194. I know I'm not supposed
to say those things on television.Copy !req
1195. I apologize.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1196. But you, you are a
m-ing -hole!Copy !req
1197. Okay?Copy !req
1198. Well—Copy !req
1199. - Well—Copy !req
1200. I, uh—Copy !req
1201. I, I think you can use
some of those words on television,Copy !req
1202. but what you can't do
is throw coffee.Copy !req
1203. Some of us
at Saturday Night Live...Copy !req
1204. think Andy Kaufman's
a comic genius.Copy !req
1205. But others disagree.Copy !req
1206. They say he's
just not funny anymore.Copy !req
1207. So we're leaving
the decision up to you.Copy !req
1208. To keep Andy,
call 1-900-555-7618.Copy !req
1209. To dump him—Copy !req
1210. This is bad.Copy !req
1211. I, um, only got 28%.Copy !req
1212. This is Saturday Night Live,
the hippest audience in television.Copy !req
1213. They turned on you.Copy !req
1214. Look, it pains me
to say this,Copy !req
1215. but I don't think you two guys should
ever work together again.Copy !req
1216. I'm sorry, George.
We just thought it was funny.Copy !req
1217. You don't have to be sorry,
Jerry.Copy !req
1218. You're— You're terrific.Copy !req
1219. You're just the best.Copy !req
1220. I wouldn't have traded it
for anything.Copy !req
1221. To me, this was a shining
moment for wrestling.Copy !req
1222. Me too. And—Copy !req
1223. And it was a shining moment
for behavioral science.Copy !req
1224. Hey, well— But why can't I make
a gag out of this?Copy !req
1225. I mean, maybe I could go on the show
and I could say...Copy !req
1226. it was rigged
and I demand a recount.Copy !req
1227. Andy,
you don't understand.Copy !req
1228. They don't
want you back.Copy !req
1229. Now close your eyes.Copy !req
1230. If the thoughts of this world
come into your head,
don't be upset by them.Copy !req
1231. It's just your stress
unraveling itself.Copy !req
1232. Just slowly
come back to the mantra.Copy !req
1233. Andy?Copy !req
1234. Please?Copy !req
1235. Just continue your meditation.
I'll be back.Copy !req
1236. - Jai Guru Dev.
- Jai Guru Dev.Copy !req
1237. Hi, Andy.Copy !req
1238. Hi.Copy !req
1239. This is, uh,Copy !req
1240. very difficult
for me to say.Copy !req
1241. Uh, but we—Copy !req
1242. we feel that it's best...Copy !req
1243. if you don't attend
the retreat.Copy !req
1244. Why?Copy !req
1245. I go to the retreat
every year.Copy !req
1246. Oh, I know, Andy,Copy !req
1247. and we don't doubt your devotion
to Transcendental Meditation.Copy !req
1248. It's just that we feel that,
well, you and the program...Copy !req
1249. have, uh,
g-grown apart, uh—Copy !req
1250. Philosophically.Copy !req
1251. "Philosophically"?
What's "philosophically"?Copy !req
1252. Well, Andy, the wrestling,
the sexist remarks, the foul Ianguage,Copy !req
1253. they're just not becoming
of an individual
of spiritual enlightenment.Copy !req
1254. It seems you just
don't respect anything.Copy !req
1255. Of course I do.Copy !req
1256. I just— I think of the world
as, as an illusion,Copy !req
1257. and we shouldn't take ourselves
so seriously.Copy !req
1258. Don't—Copy !req
1259. Don't,Copy !req
1260. please,Copy !req
1261. do this.Copy !req
1262. You've got to let me
attend these classes.
It's what keeps me balanced.Copy !req
1263. I-It's apparently
not working.Copy !req
1264. Then, then help me.
Help me, okay? Guide me.Copy !req
1265. Andy...Copy !req
1266. we just don't wish
your presence here.Copy !req
1267. Hi.Copy !req
1268. I brought you
some Haagen-Dazs.Copy !req
1269. I don't deserve
Haagen-Dazs.Copy !req
1270. I'm— I'm a badperson.Copy !req
1271. Oh.Copy !req
1272. You aren't a bad person.Copy !req
1273. You are
a complicated person.Copy !req
1274. You don't know the real me.Copy !req
1275. There isn't a real you.Copy !req
1276. Oh, yeah.
I forgot.Copy !req
1277. Baby.Copy !req
1278. Do you want to move in
with me?Copy !req
1279. What?Copy !req
1280. Say it again.Copy !req
1281. Oh, RoseCopy !req
1282. MarieCopy !req
1283. I love youCopy !req
1284. I'm alwaysCopy !req
1285. Dreaming of youCopy !req
1286. I'll get it.Copy !req
1287. Kaufman and Marguiles
Center for Sexual Research.Copy !req
1288. Andy, it's George.Copy !req
1289. Hey, George. I'm not sure
we can do anything for you.Copy !req
1290. Yeah. Uh, Andy, uh,
I got some crummy news.Copy !req
1291. Oh.Copy !req
1292. Taxi's been canceled.Copy !req
1293. And the crummy news?Copy !req
1294. Do you want me to come over,
we'll talk about it?Copy !req
1295. Um, no.
I'm sorta busy right now.Copy !req
1296. I'll see you next week,
though.Copy !req
1297. Thanks.Copy !req
1298. Put it right there.Copy !req
1299. Yuck.Copy !req
1300. And now, Iadies and gentlemen,
a treat for staying late,Copy !req
1301. please welcome, from Taxi,
the Improv's own Mr. Andy Kaufman!Copy !req
1302. Actually, Bud,
you're wrong.Copy !req
1303. I found out today that Taxi
has been canceled.Copy !req
1304. What?Copy !req
1305. Not to mention
that my wife left me,Copy !req
1306. and she took the kids.Copy !req
1307. I don't understand why you're Iaughing.
I'm not joking.Copy !req
1308. And then this morning I got up
and I noticed that I have, um,Copy !req
1309. a cyst
or some kind of boil...Copy !req
1310. on the back of my neck.Copy !req
1311. Look.Copy !req
1312. See?Copy !req
1313. So I was thinking, since I'm still
kind of a quasi-celebrity,Copy !req
1314. that maybe I could charge people
to touch it.Copy !req
1315. Would anybody like to pay
a dollar to touch my cyst?Copy !req
1316. I'm serious. I could really use
the money right now.Copy !req
1317. It's a good deal.Copy !req
1318. Oh, okay.Copy !req
1319. Oh, wait, no.
You gotta pay first.Copy !req
1320. It's a dollar...Copy !req
1321. to touch my celebrity cyst.Copy !req
1322. Okay.Copy !req
1323. Oww!Copy !req
1324. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
1325. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1326. W-Would Andy
like to tell us...Copy !req
1327. why he called us out
at 4:00 in the morning?Copy !req
1328. Um...Copy !req
1329. yeah.Copy !req
1330. Uh, I have cancer.Copy !req
1331. Forget it.
Forget it!Copy !req
1332. - That is—
That is in terrible taste.Copy !req
1333. I don't wanna have anything
to do with this. Nothing.Copy !req
1334. No, no, no, that's good.
We can make that play.Copy !req
1335. Okay, and we'll really—
We'll just drag it out. All right?Copy !req
1336. Y- You get better,
you get worse.Copy !req
1337. No, you die, and then,
uh, you come back to life.Copy !req
1338. That's funny.Copy !req
1339. That's funny,Copy !req
1340. but, um,
it's not a gag, Bob.Copy !req
1341. I got cancer.
I got Iung cancer.Copy !req
1342. Lung cancer.Copy !req
1343. That's ridiculous.
You don't even smoke.Copy !req
1344. I've got some freaky
rare kind.Copy !req
1345. It's called
Iarge-celled carcinoma.Copy !req
1346. Yea!Copy !req
1347. I'm a Iucky guy.Copy !req
1348. - Have you told your family?
- No. No.Copy !req
1349. I don't want to tell them.Copy !req
1350. I've just...Copy !req
1351. jerked them around so much.Copy !req
1352. Andy, look in my eye...Copy !req
1353. and tell me
this is true.Copy !req
1354. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1355. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Hey.Copy !req
1356. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1357. Lynne? Come on.
Hey. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1358. Wait up.Copy !req
1359. If I find out that you're behind this,
I'll kill you, Zmuda!Copy !req
1360. What the hell are you
talkin' about, George?Copy !req
1361. I was the one who just said
I didn't believe him.Copy !req
1362. That's just the kind of thing
you two would work out to fuck me up.Copy !req
1363. Man]
We want the truth, boy!Copy !req
1364. My father said Lassie bit me,
so I said she did too.Copy !req
1365. - Lassie never
bit you, and you know it.
- Case dismissed!Copy !req
1366. Dramatic]Copy !req
1367. Dad?Copy !req
1368. The cancer started
in Andy's Iungs...Copy !req
1369. and spread to his left arm.Copy !req
1370. We've initiated an aggressive
radiation program.Copy !req
1371. - See if we can eradicate
the affected cells.
- Dr. Sullivan, line one.Copy !req
1372. Excuse me.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
1373. What a crock.Copy !req
1374. How dare you
make Iight of this?Copy !req
1375. I cried when he broke his neck.
He's not getting me again.Copy !req
1376. Jesus Christ, Carol,
he's got Iung cancer.Copy !req
1377. He wants us
scratching our heads,Copy !req
1378. asking ourselves,
"Is this real?"Copy !req
1379. Of course it's real.
We're in a hospital.Copy !req
1380. Mom, it's Cedars-Sinai.Copy !req
1381. It's a show biz hospital.Copy !req
1382. Andy's studio friends,
they probably run this place.Copy !req
1383. He plans these things.
He takes over and hires actors.Copy !req
1384. Personally, I don't think
that doctor guy was very convincing.Copy !req
1385. - His costume had the wrong shoes.
- Didn't even have doctor shoes.Copy !req
1386. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's bullshit.Copy !req
1387. No more Kaufman stories.
He's burned us too many times.Copy !req
1388. A very reliable source
told me Andy Kaufman has Iung cancer.Copy !req
1389. Oh, please.
He's definitely not dying.Copy !req
1390. Now those big white cells
are attacking the cancer cells.Copy !req
1391. Attacking.Copy !req
1392. I see them.
I see the white cells.Copy !req
1393. - Attacking.
- Attacking.Copy !req
1394. He's an actor.Copy !req
1395. I-I recognize him
from The In-Laws.Copy !req
1396. Yeah. That's true.Copy !req
1397. But he's also ordained
in holistic medicine.Copy !req
1398. Oh.Copy !req
1399. George, what am I
supposed to do?Copy !req
1400. I'm sick and I'm trying to get better,
but everybody's Iooking at me funny.Copy !req
1401. I feel like I'm being surrounded
by negative energy.Copy !req
1402. You're surrounded
by what you create.Copy !req
1403. - Great.
- Andy, you're the king
of negative energy.Copy !req
1404. - And it's gotta stop.
- Andy.Copy !req
1405. 'Cause if these
negative vibes get out,Copy !req
1406. everybody's gonna be
talking about how sick I am,Copy !req
1407. and it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy.Copy !req
1408. How can I help you?Copy !req
1409. I wanna go back to work.Copy !req
1410. - You wanna tour the clubs?
- No. No clubs.Copy !req
1411. I wanna reach the top.Copy !req
1412. Carnegie Hall!Copy !req
1413. I want this show
to build and build.Copy !req
1414. I want it to be everything
that's joyful in the world
piled one on top of the other,Copy !req
1415. until the audience can't
stand it and they turn into
children right in front of me.Copy !req
1416. - I might even have Santa Claus.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1417. You can say, "Santa, what am I getting
for Christmas this year?"Copy !req
1418. - And he says "Cancer."
- No, that—Copy !req
1419. No, that's— I don't wanna do that.
That's a bummer.Copy !req
1420. Uh, okay, positive, positive.
Okay—Copy !req
1421. Look, this is really,
um, great—Copy !req
1422. - Santa and snow and—
- Yeah.Copy !req
1423. But it's gonna cost
a fortune.Copy !req
1424. That's okay.
Not a problem.Copy !req
1425. - Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy?
- Tony CIifton.Copy !req
1426. Oh.Copy !req
1427. Andy, you know,
Tony doesn't have that kind of money.Copy !req
1428. Don't you worry about that,
George.Copy !req
1429. I know Tony better than you do,
and even if he has to work
another ten years to pay it off,Copy !req
1430. he'll do it.Copy !req
1431. Abu-dabi
Abi-dabu-ahCopy !req
1432. Abi-dabi-dabu-ehCopy !req
1433. - Abu-day
- Abu-dayCopy !req
1434. - A-ki-chay-wah
- A-ki-chay-wahCopy !req
1435. - Yaken-bu-day
- Yaken-bu-dayCopy !req
1436. - Ichen-di-bich
- Ichen-di-bichCopy !req
1437. Yaki-di-shika-tala-
ga-bola-ga-deba-ga-dili-
ga-bohhhhhhhhhhhhCopy !req
1438. OhhhhhhhhhhCopy !req
1439. Abu-dabi
Abi-dabu-ahCopy !req
1440. I got spurs that
jingle-j angle-j ingleCopy !req
1441. As I go ridin'
merrily alongCopy !req
1442. And they sing
Oh, ain't you glad
you're singleCopy !req
1443. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1444. we are so very fortunate
tonight,Copy !req
1445. because we have with us...Copy !req
1446. the last surviving cowgirl
from that 1931 film.Copy !req
1447. She's 94 years young.Copy !req
1448. EIeanor Cody Gould.Copy !req
1449. - I got spurs that
jingle-jangle-jingleCopy !req
1450. As I go ridin'
merrily alongCopy !req
1451. Hi, EIeanor.
It's great to have you here.
It's a real honor.Copy !req
1452. Thank you, Andy.
I'm delighted to be here.
It's overwhelming to me.Copy !req
1453. Well, it's gonna
get even better,Copy !req
1454. because we found one of the old
original hobby horses from your movie.Copy !req
1455. Do you think you could grace us
with a couple of steps
from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?Copy !req
1456. - Oh, I don't think—
- Okay, hit it!Copy !req
1457. "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle']Copy !req
1458. Faster!
Come on!Copy !req
1459. Faster! Faster!Copy !req
1460. Faster! Come on!Copy !req
1461. Faster! Faster!
Faster!Copy !req
1462. Faster!Copy !req
1463. Oh!Copy !req
1464. Andy, stop! Andy!Copy !req
1465. Is there a doctor in the house?
Stop the music!Copy !req
1466. — Uh, we need a doctor.Copy !req
1467. Anyone?
Please?Copy !req
1468. Can you call us
an ambulance?Copy !req
1469. Praise the Lord!Copy !req
1470. She's alive!
Hallelujah!Copy !req
1471. HallelujahCopy !req
1472. Hallelujah
HallelujahCopy !req
1473. HallelujahCopy !req
1474. Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!Copy !req
1475. Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa ClausCopy !req
1476. - Right down
Santa Claus Iane
- Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
1477. - Vixen and BIitzen
and all his reindeer
- I can't believe this!Copy !req
1478. It's the Rockettes!Copy !req
1479. Are pulling
on the reinsCopy !req
1480. Bells are ringing
Children singingCopy !req
1481. All is merry and brightCopy !req
1482. Hang your stocking
and say your prayersCopy !req
1483. 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonightCopy !req
1484. - Here comes Santa Claus
- Boys and girls,
you're not gonna believe this!Copy !req
1485. Here comes Santa Claus!Copy !req
1486. He's got a bag
that's filled with toysCopy !req
1487. For the boys and girls
againCopy !req
1488. Hear those sleigh bells
jingle-jangleCopy !req
1489. What a beautiful sightCopy !req
1490. Jump in bed
Cover up your headCopy !req
1491. Since you've all been
such good boys and girls,Copy !req
1492. I would like to take everybody
in this entire audience out...Copy !req
1493. for milk and cookies!Copy !req
1494. There are buses outside!
Everybody follow me!Copy !req
1495. Don't worry, folks!
There's enough milk and cookies
for everyone!Copy !req
1496. Let's go, let's go, let's go!Copy !req
1497. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
1498. And now we'll place
the blue crystal.Copy !req
1499. Very high vibrations,Copy !req
1500. and it's wonderful,
wonderful...Copy !req
1501. for its
healing powers.Copy !req
1502. Okay.
Let's try two of those.Copy !req
1503. And another pink one.Copy !req
1504. All right.Copy !req
1505. Hah!Copy !req
1506. Looks like somethin'
my dog puked up.Copy !req
1507. How 'bout me and you dolls go out
and get some real food?Copy !req
1508. Sure.Copy !req
1509. French fries
and a porterhouse steak.Copy !req
1510. Or we could skip the meal and go right
to the "montage a trois."Copy !req
1511. Have you ever been
with another woman?Copy !req
1512. Well, like, in the kitchen
and stuff, yeah.Copy !req
1513. Okay, hey, here.
This'II help.Copy !req
1514. Ah!Copy !req
1515. - Okay.
- Here. Put that on your face.Copy !req
1516. - Yeah.
- There you go.Copy !req
1517. - Hi.
- Now you can't
even tell the difference.Copy !req
1518. Well, we could put
all of this together in a soup.Copy !req
1519. Then we could pretend
it's a porterhouse steak, Andy.Copy !req
1520. I am not Andy.Copy !req
1521. Andy is sick.Copy !req
1522. Chick, pick, wick, Iick!Copy !req
1523. Dick!Copy !req
1524. Whereas I am getting
stronger and stronger.Copy !req
1525. - Hi, Andy.
- Hey.Copy !req
1526. Hey.Copy !req
1527. You wanna wrestle?Copy !req
1528. Bob and I...Copy !req
1529. came up...Copy !req
1530. with a—Copy !req
1531. an idea for a TV show.Copy !req
1532. It'll be a Saturday morning
kind of thing...Copy !req
1533. where I can goof off
with the kids.Copy !req
1534. Yeah.Copy !req
1535. We can sell that, Andy.Copy !req
1536. Did your doctor say
it's okay...Copy !req
1537. to go back to work?Copy !req
1538. No, but he will.Copy !req
1539. Yeah.Copy !req
1540. 'Cause...Copy !req
1541. I'm going
to the Philippines.Copy !req
1542. The Philippines?
What's in the Philippines?Copy !req
1543. A miracle.Copy !req
1544. I just want to say,
until we meet again...Copy !req
1545. please remember—Copy !req
1546. In this friendly
friendly worldCopy !req
1547. With each day
so full of joyCopy !req
1548. Why should any heartCopy !req
1549. Be IonelyCopy !req
1550. In this friendly
friendly worldCopy !req
1551. With each night
so full of dreamsCopy !req
1552. Why should
any heartCopy !req
1553. Be afraidCopy !req
1554. Yep, it's a friendly world.Copy !req
1555. We should all treat each other
like brothers and sisters.Copy !req
1556. So everybody put your arm around
the person sitting next to you...Copy !req
1557. and sway back and forth
in rhythm to the music.Copy !req
1558. Come on. Everybody.Copy !req
1559. Even if you don't like
the person sitting next to you. Okay?Copy !req
1560. When I say "okay,"
you say "Okay!" Okay?Copy !req
1561. Okay.Copy !req
1562. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1563. Okay.Copy !req
1564. Everybody sing,
"The world is such a wonderful place."Copy !req
1565. - The world is such
a wonderful placeCopy !req
1566. To wander throughCopy !req
1567. Follow the bouncing ball.Copy !req
1568. When you've got someone
you loveCopy !req
1569. To wander along
with youCopy !req
1570. With the sky
so full of stars.Copy !req
1571. With the sky
so full of starsCopy !req
1572. And the river so full of song.
River so full of songCopy !req
1573. Every heart should beCopy !req
1574. So thankfulCopy !req
1575. Thankful for this
friendly, friendly world.Copy !req
1576. Thankful for this
friendly, friendlyCopy !req
1577. WorldCopy !req
1578. Thank you...Copy !req
1579. for this friendly,
friendly world.Copy !req
1580. Thank you...Copy !req
1581. and good-bye.Copy !req
1582. Andy! Ohh!Copy !req
1583. — Andy!Copy !req
1584. Andy! Andy!Copy !req
1585. Andy? You guys
wanna see Andy tonight?Copy !req
1586. - Anybody got a flashlight
and a couple of shovels?Copy !req
1587. Okay, guys,
let's do our dirt!Copy !req
1588. First I was afraidCopy !req
1589. I was putrefiedCopy !req
1590. Kept thinkin'
I could never IiveCopy !req
1591. Without you by my sideCopy !req
1592. But then I spent
so many nightsCopy !req
1593. A-thinkin'
how you did me wrongCopy !req
1594. - And I grew strong
Mid-tempo Disco]Copy !req
1595. And I learned
to get alongCopy !req
1596. And now I'm backCopy !req
1597. From outer spaceCopy !req
1598. I just walked in
to find you hereCopy !req
1599. With that sad look
upon your faceCopy !req
1600. I should've changed
that stupid IockCopy !req
1601. I should've asked you
for the keyCopy !req
1602. If I'd have known
forjust one secondCopy !req
1603. You'd be back
to bother meCopy !req
1604. Go on now, go
Walk out the doorCopy !req
1605. Don't turn around nowCopy !req
1606. You're not welcome
anymoreCopy !req
1607. Weren't you the one
that tried to hurt me
with "good-bye"Copy !req
1608. Did you think I'd crumbleCopy !req
1609. Did you think
I'd Iay down and dieCopy !req
1610. Oh, no, not I
I will "sur-vivvy"Copy !req
1611. As long as I know
how to loveCopy !req
1612. I know
I'll stay "aleeve"Copy !req
1613. I've got all my life to Iive
I've got all my love
to giveCopy !req
1614. I will "sur-veev"Copy !req
1615. I will "sur- veev"Copy !req
1616. ICopy !req
1617. WillCopy !req
1618. "Sur-veev"Copy !req
1619. I will survive! I will survive!
I will survive!Copy !req
1620. I will survive!
I will survive!Copy !req
1621. I will survive!Copy !req
1622. Mott the Hoople
and the game of LifeCopy !req
1623. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
1624. Andy Kaufman
and the wrestling matchCopy !req
1625. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
1626. Monopoly, Twenty-one
Checkers and ChessCopy !req
1627. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
1628. Mr. Fred BIassie
in a breakfast messCopy !req
1629. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
1630. Now, Andy, did you hear
about this oneCopy !req
1631. Tell me, are you Iocked
in the punchCopy !req
1632. Hey, Andy
are you goofing on EIvisCopy !req
1633. Hey, babyCopy !req
1634. Are we losing touchCopy !req
1635. If you believedCopy !req
1636. They put a man on the moonCopy !req
1637. Man on the moonCopy !req
1638. If you believeCopy !req
1639. There's nothing
up his sleeveCopy !req
1640. - Then nothing is cool
- NothingCopy !req
1641. If you believedCopy !req
1642. They put a man on the moonCopy !req
1643. Man on the moonCopy !req
1644. If you believeCopy !req
1645. There's nothing
up his sleeveCopy !req
1646. - Then nothing is cool
- NothingCopy !req
1647. If you believedCopy !req
1648. They put a man on the moonCopy !req
1649. Man on the moonCopy !req
1650. If you believeCopy !req
1651. There's nothing
up his sleeveCopy !req
1652. - Then nothing is cool
- NothingCopy !req
1653. I watch the stars
fall silentCopy !req
1654. From your eyesCopy !req
1655. All the sights
that I have seenCopy !req
1656. I can't believe
that I believedCopy !req
1657. I wish that you could seeCopy !req
1658. There's a new planet
in the solar systemCopy !req
1659. There is nothing
up my sleeveCopy !req
1660. I'm pushin' an elephant
up the stairsCopy !req
1661. I'm tossin' up punch Iines
that were never thereCopy !req
1662. Over my shoulder
a piano fallsCopy !req
1663. Crashing to the groundCopy !req
1664. I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoonsCopy !req
1665. I'm keepin' flowers
in full bloomCopy !req
1666. I'm Iooking for answers
from the great beyondCopy !req
1667. I want the hummingbirdsCopy !req
1668. The dancing bearsCopy !req
1669. Sweetest dreams of youCopy !req
1670. And look into the starsCopy !req
1671. And look into
the moonCopy !req
1672. I'm pushing an elephant
up the stairsCopy !req
1673. I'm tossing up punch Iines
that were never thereCopy !req
1674. Over my shoulder
a piano fallsCopy !req
1675. Crashing to the groundCopy !req
1676. I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoonsCopy !req
1677. I'm keeping flowers
in full bloomCopy !req
1678. I'm Iooking for answers
from the great beyondCopy !req
1679. I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoonsCopy !req
1680. I'm keeping flowers
in full bloomCopy !req
1681. I'm Iooking for answers
from the greatCopy !req
1682. Answers from the greatCopy !req
1683. AnswersCopy !req
1684. I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoonsCopy !req
1685. I'm keeping flowers
in full bloomCopy !req
1686. I'm Iooking for answers
from the great beyondCopy !req
1687. I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoonsCopy !req
1688. I'm keeping flowers
in full bloomCopy !req
1689. I'm Iooking for answers
from the greatCopy !req
1690. Answers from the greatCopy !req
1691. AnswersCopy !req
1692. Well, it's timeCopy !req
1693. To sayCopy !req
1694. Good-byeCopy !req
1695. It's been goodCopy !req
1696. Having youCopy !req
1697. So nearCopy !req
1698. AIthough
I've got to leaveCopy !req
1699. It's the endCopy !req
1700. I'll always be stayin'Copy !req
1701. Right hereCopy !req
1702. So, all my friends
good-byeCopy !req
1703. It's just about that timeCopy !req
1704. Wish that I could doCopy !req
1705. Just one more song
For youCopy !req
1706. Good-bye, everybody!
Thank you! Good night!Copy !req
1707. Good night!Copy !req
1708. Okay! Great!
Good night!Copy !req