1. I told him, "Donald...Copy !req
2. "I have to attend.
It's my ball."Copy !req
3. And then he said:Copy !req
4. "The lodge only throws their ball
once every decade.Copy !req
5. "Why can't you ever
attend my balls?"Copy !req
6. And I said, "Jesus Christ, Donald,
that's what I've been doing for 30 years."Copy !req
7. You're such an idiot.Copy !req
8. Gov. Dalton,
this is Jared Svenning...Copy !req
9. the gentleman to whom you are presenting
the honorarium.Copy !req
10. Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you.Copy !req
11. Might I add, you're absolutely stunning this evening?Copy !req
12. You can dispense
with the ass-munching.Copy !req
13. You're getting your check.Copy !req
14. Thank you.Copy !req
15. The grant, that is,
will go a long way...Copy !req
16. towards funding
the new programmingCopy !req
17. that I'm working on for KREL.
Mmm...Copy !req
18. That's the public
access station, right?Copy !req
19. The one they run
the lottery numbers on?Copy !req
20. Well, we, uh, air more
than just lottery numbers.Copy !req
21. Mmm-mmm...
I mean, in fact...Copy !req
22. we're going to broadcast a live game show
from a local mall this Saturday.Copy !req
23. How long is this thing
going to take?Copy !req
24. Tonight I've got
Melrose at 9:00.Copy !req
25. Uh...Copy !req
26. Well, there's dinner,
followed by the presentation.Copy !req
27. Oh, and then we adjourn into the auditorium
for a stage presentation...Copy !req
28. by the Drama and History Clubs.Copy !req
29. They put together an impressive musical about Paul Revere...Copy !req
30. entitled Light Your Own Lamps.Copy !req
31. Is there a dance number?Copy !req
32. Nothing better than
a couple of skimpily clad undergraduates...Copy !req
33. just hurling themselves across the stage, I always say.Copy !req
34. Get me another highball.Copy !req
35. Right away, Governor.Copy !req
36. Will you stop?
Stop it! Cut it out!Copy !req
37. Just don't eyeball everyone like that.Copy !req
38. All you're doing is
creeping everyone out.Copy !req
39. Sorry, Governor.Copy !req
40. Sven, you know
these security types...Copy !req
41. everyone a glory hound,
I always say.Copy !req
42. They're all just waiting to tackle the next Sirhan Sirhan.Copy !req
43. I mean, I ask you...Copy !req
44. can you imagine anyone wanting to attack me,
for Christ's sake?Copy !req
45. Freeze!Copy !req
46. What are you doing?Copy !req
47. You looking at naked guys in the shower again?Copy !req
48. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to point guns at people?Copy !req
49. Once. I shot him.Copy !req
50. Mmm.Copy !req
51. Nice sneakers.Copy !req
52. Oh, I went to look
for you in your room,Copy !req
53. and Ronnie told me
I could find you up here.Copy !req
54. What gives?Copy !req
55. I wanted to finish
that paper on supernovas...Copy !req
56. and John Slas said that
I could use his telescope...Copy !req
57. before he went home for break.Copy !req
58. What do you need his for?
You got your own.Copy !req
59. No, I got the lenses, T.S.,
but I need Slas' shaft.Copy !req
60. Oh.Copy !req
61. You need Slas' shaft, huh?Copy !req
62. You insatiable slut!Copy !req
63. "We're all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking at the stars."Copy !req
64. Oscar Wilde.
Mmm.Copy !req
65. I thought that
you'd be down thereCopy !req
66. trying to secure the best seat in the house.Copy !req
67. This might be the first and last time
you ever see your boyfriend on stage...Copy !req
68. especially in a musical.Copy !req
69. So I'd like you to be down there front row, up center.Copy !req
70. I'm gonna watch you
from up here.Copy !req
71. With that thing?
You'll never see me.Copy !req
72. Are you kidding?Copy !req
73. Do you have any idea
how powerful this thing is?Copy !req
74. I'll be able to see the flop sweat form on your brow.Copy !req
75. Yeah, but you won't
be able to hear me sing.Copy !req
76. Bingo.Copy !req
77. Strident.Copy !req
78. I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson
about being demure for your man.Copy !req
79. In fact...Copy !req
80. that's it.
I'm having sex with you right here, right now.Copy !req
81. What are you doing?Copy !req
82. Let's go, come on. Pull them down.Copy !req
83. Would you get off me? I've got work to do.
Oh, I don't mind.Copy !req
84. I'll just let you finish
your star gazing.Copy !req
85. I'll take you from behind here.Copy !req
86. It'll be great practice
for when we get older,Copy !req
87. and you watch TV
while we screw.Copy !req
88. Will you get off me?Copy !req
89. All right.Copy !req
90. For now.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
91. But when
we get to Florida in...Copy !req
92. about approximately
17 hours, you owe me.Copy !req
93. About that...Copy !req
94. Yes?Copy !req
95. Well, I can't go.Copy !req
96. Excuse me?Copy !req
97. My dad's asked me to help him with his new show.Copy !req
98. What, like his assistant or...Copy !req
99. As a contestant.Copy !req
100. You mean that
Dating Game rip-off thing?Copy !req
101. That is what you're talking about here, right?Copy !req
102. Geez!Copy !req
103. That guy knows no shame.Copy !req
104. What, so he forbid you to go to Florida
when you said no, is that it?Copy !req
105. I can't believe...Copy !req
106. Brandi?Copy !req
107. You didn't say no?Copy !req
108. T.S., it's no big deal.
I mean, it's just TV.Copy !req
109. Besides, it is really important for my father's career.Copy !req
110. Otherwise, he would never have asked me.Copy !req
111. Brandi, the guy hates me,
for Christ's sake.Copy !req
112. Don't you think that might be
a little part of the motive here?Copy !req
113. He'd love to see us break up.Copy !req
114. He'd love for us not to go on that vacation,
that's for sure.Copy !req
115. What did you think,
for Christ's sake?Copy !req
116. Jesus! You know,
for a science major,Copy !req
117. you can be really
fucking stupid sometimes.Copy !req
118. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, T.S.Copy !req
119. I thought that you might be able to
handle this like an adult...Copy !req
120. and show my father how wrong he is about our relationship.Copy !req
121. Well, I guess I credited you with too much.Copy !req
122. You are just as thoughtless
and possessive as he is.Copy !req
123. You both see me as property.Copy !req
124. In fact, the two of you have so much in common...Copy !req
125. you should just go
date each other.Copy !req
126. Brandi, wait!Copy !req
127. Just leave me alone.
Please.Copy !req
128. Ow!
Oh, no. The gun's caught in your hair.Copy !req
129. Would you get it out?
I'm trying.Copy !req
130. Oh, Mr. Svenning...Copy !req
131. Jesus Christ!
Don't kill me!Copy !req
132. Oh, no! Shh.
For God's sake!Copy !req
133. He's with me.Copy !req
134. Oh, God!
He's one of my people. It's okay.Copy !req
135. We'll be ready in five,
Mr. Svenning.Copy !req
136. Go, it's okay.Copy !req
137. No, your hair's caught around the trigger here.
Stop moving.Copy !req
138. Would you just get it off?
It hurts.Copy !req
139. The presentation will begin in about five minutes, Governor.Copy !req
140. Mmm-mmm.Copy !req
141. Why not freshen up a bit?Copy !req
142. What the hell is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
143. That I look like a piece of shit or something?Copy !req
144. Maybe we can jar it loose.Copy !req
145. Here, come over here to the right.
Oh!Copy !req
146. Here, lean over here.Copy !req
147. Come over here, okay? All right? Ready?Copy !req
148. Sniper!Copy !req
149. Oh, shit!Copy !req
150. How many are there?Copy !req
151. I spotted two,
a male and a female.Copy !req
152. What kind of artillery?Copy !req
153. Perps were using a shotgun.Copy !req
154. Was the Governor hit?Copy !req
155. Of course I'm hit, you asshole.Copy !req
156. You hit me like
some goddamn wrestler.Copy !req
157. There's no blood.
She wasn't attacked.Copy !req
158. Get your foot off my tit!Copy !req
159. Oh, sorry, ma'am.Copy !req
160. Mr. Svenning, I quit!Copy !req
161. Hey, I think they're trying to signal us.Copy !req
162. It's okay, we're not armed.Copy !req
163. This is just a prop.
I'm in the musical.Copy !req
164. It's just a blank.
It wasn't serious.Copy !req
165. What did he say?
I think he said they were Syrians.Copy !req
166. Sweet Christ,
terrorists on our campus?Copy !req
167. Why is he dressed like a Revolutionary War minuteman?Copy !req
168. For irony!
Your average terrorist's a showman first, killer second.Copy !req
169. My God! It's a member
of the History Club.Copy !req
170. I blame the parents.
It's the parents at blame.Copy !req
171. They are not raising their children properly these days.Copy !req
172. Is Jared Svenning
down there?Copy !req
173. That's you, isn't it?Copy !req
174. Uh, no. Well, yes...Copy !req
175. but, I mean, how would a terrorist know me?Copy !req
176. Daddy? It's me, Brandi.Copy !req
177. That explains it.Copy !req
178. Governor, please.Copy !req
179. I want to apologize
for this fiasco.Copy !req
180. My daughter is a huge
fan of your work.Copy !req
181. Svenning.Copy !req
182. Your check.Copy !req
183. Oh.Copy !req
184. Oh, I don't know what to say, but thank you.Copy !req
185. You want money
for your pissant station.Copy !req
186. Just try playing the lottery.Copy !req
187. No!Copy !req
188. You know where
they air those results.Copy !req
189. Oh!Copy !req
190. Get me to
the goddamned hospital.Copy !req
191. Now!Copy !req
192. God damn,
I fractured my collarbone.Copy !req
193. Mr. Svenning, look,
I want to apologize.Copy !req
194. Thank you for squaring everything with the police.Copy !req
195. I know we probably worried you,Copy !req
196. but Brandi and I are both okay. We—Copy !req
197. If it wouldn't mean implicating my daughter
in this somehow...Copy !req
198. I would insist that the authorities lock you up...Copy !req
199. for the rest of your young life,
you goddamned little menace!Copy !req
200. Sir, it was an accident,
I swear!Copy !req
201. No, you're the accident,
you moron!Copy !req
202. You have no idea what you just cost me here today. Mmm!Copy !req
203. I mean, you're like
all the other spoiled jerksCopy !req
204. I've ever known
in my whole life!Copy !req
205. Everything is handed to you
on a silver platter.Copy !req
206. You people, you just don't grasp the precept...Copy !req
207. of somebody who has to work for their breaks.Copy !req
208. That's "concept."
What?Copy !req
209. Oh, you said "precept,"
I think you meant to say...Copy !req
210. "concept."
Listen to me, you little prick, you.Copy !req
211. You may have
my daughter snowed...Copy !req
212. but it'll be a cold day in hell
before you pull the wool over my eyes.Copy !req
213. What you just did to me
here tonight...Copy !req
214. I'm going to make it
my mission in life...Copy !req
215. to do to you
on a regular basis.Copy !req
216. Mmm!Copy !req
217. Nobody fucks with
Jared Svenning's career...Copy !req
218. and walks away clean, huh!Copy !req
219. I promise you that.Copy !req
220. Hey man, I just want to tell you that
I really dug what you did up there.Copy !req
221. Anarchy rules, dude!Copy !req
222. We're over, T.S.
Oh, come on!Copy !req
223. I thought we weren't going through this break-up,
make-up shit anymore.Copy !req
224. No, we're not.
So you can just forget about making up.Copy !req
225. Listen to you. Why don't you just admit it?
Admit what?Copy !req
226. That this isn't about just what happened
on the roof.Copy !req
227. You're using that as an excuse
'cause you don't have the guts...Copy !req
228. to stand up to your father.
Maybe I don't.Copy !req
229. Come on, Brandi.
What about Florida?Copy !req
230. You have just humiliated me in front of the entire school...Copy !req
231. the community, the nation,
for God's sakes.Copy !req
232. You seriously damaged
my father's career...Copy !req
233. you insult me with that
good-cop bad-cop routine...Copy !req
234. and now you have the gall
to ask me if I still want to go on vacation.Copy !req
235. I was going to propose
to you in Florida.Copy !req
236. I thought that you'd screwed up
in every way possible tonight, T.S.Copy !req
237. Guess I underestimated you.Copy !req
238. Shit!Copy !req
239. Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?Copy !req
240. God!
What?Copy !req
241. What time is it?Copy !req
242. 9:30.Copy !req
243. Man, go back to sleep!Copy !req
244. Thank Christ.Copy !req
245. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
246. Finishing my game.Copy !req
247. No. You promised me breakfast.Copy !req
248. Breakfast!Copy !req
249. Breakfast, shmeckfast.
Look at the score, for God's sake.Copy !req
250. I'm only in the middle of the second
and I'm winning 12 to 2.Copy !req
251. Breakfasts come and go, Rene.Copy !req
252. Now Hartford, the Whale?Copy !req
253. They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.Copy !req
254. You hit the bathroom already?Copy !req
255. Don't worry. I didn't
let your mother see me.Copy !req
256. Who's worried?
Are you kidding me?Copy !req
257. I've never met a person
who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do.Copy !req
258. I do not.
Mmm.Copy !req
259. So that's why I have
to sneak in here...Copy !req
260. after everyone's
asleep at nightCopy !req
261. and sneak out undetected
in the morning?Copy !req
262. You want I should tell my mother
what we do in here at night?Copy !req
263. That you play videogames
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?Copy !req
264. Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.Copy !req
265. What can I say?
She doesn't like you.Copy !req
266. You've never even introduced me to her, Brodie.Copy !req
267. She wouldn't like you.Copy !req
268. You're retarded.
Everybody's mother likes me.Copy !req
269. Not mine.Copy !req
270. Jesus Christ!
Are you back in the bathroom again?Copy !req
271. What do you do in there all the time?Copy !req
272. Figure it out.Copy !req
273. No, I mean like before.
Like every morning before you leave...Copy !req
274. you're in there for
like a half an hourCopy !req
275. and all I ever hear
is water running.Copy !req
276. And?Copy !req
277. You're not in there touching yourself, are you?Copy !req
278. I was wrong about you.
You're crass and retarded.Copy !req
279. What do you do in there?Copy !req
280. You really want to know?Copy !req
281. I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.Copy !req
282. I cry.Copy !req
283. You cry?
I cry.Copy !req
284. Any particular reason?Copy !req
285. Hey!Copy !req
286. I think about the people
that make decisions that affect our lives.Copy !req
287. The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.Copy !req
288. The engineer that
designs skyscrapers.Copy !req
289. The guy that maps out
a plane's flight path.Copy !req
290. The navigator.Copy !req
291. I think about how those people are out there every day...Copy !req
292. making a difference,
leading big lives...Copy !req
293. and how they refuse to be intimidatedCopy !req
294. by the tremendous odds
of failure they face.Copy !req
295. And how they only
concern themselvesCopy !req
296. with peers and company
that apply...Copy !req
297. to their goals
and noble causes.Copy !req
298. Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about
when I'm in the bathroom.Copy !req
299. I think about
all that and I cry...Copy !req
300. because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.Copy !req
301. You're dumping me?Copy !req
302. What are you, crazy?Copy !req
303. Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?Copy !req
304. Holy shit!
If it isn't mon frère.Copy !req
305. Last time I saw you,Copy !req
306. you were on CNN taking shots at public officials.Copy !req
307. Mr. Quint.Copy !req
308. Move!Copy !req
309. So you're looking
for sanctuary.Copy !req
310. It's been like this
all morning.Copy !req
311. Can you blame them
after the spectacle you made of yourself?Copy !req
312. What were you trying to do, anyway?
Impress Jodie Foster?Copy !req
313. I wasn't gunning
for the Governor, Brodie.Copy !req
314. It was a stupid
misunderstanding.Copy !req
315. Ah. Now you're crying patsy...Copy !req
316. thus demonstrating all
the key characteristics...Copy !req
317. of a lone nut assassin.Copy !req
318. Usual vault rules apply:
touch not, lest ye be touched.Copy !req
319. You're such an
anal-retentive bastard.Copy !req
320. Hey, I tried to teach you
how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no...Copy !req
321. you wanted to play
Little League instead.Copy !req
322. What's that?Copy !req
323. Like it? I framed it
before you got here.Copy !req
324. Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you!Copy !req
325. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.Copy !req
326. What's that mean?
You had to be there. Just keep reading.Copy !req
327. Wow! Look at this
laundry list of complaints.Copy !req
328. You have no direction,
no college ambition, no job prospects.Copy !req
329. Yeah. It also says
I have no dick.Copy !req
330. But you'll notice that follows the financial question,
proving once more...Copy !req
331. what women really look for.Copy !req
332. What do you do
for money, anyway?Copy !req
333. Blood bank, sperm bank,
currently considering the eye bank.Copy !req
334. Wow, she calls
you callow in here.Copy !req
335. You say that like it's bad.Copy !req
336. It means frightened and weak-willed.
Really?Copy !req
337. Shit. That was the only part of the letter
I thought was complimentary.Copy !req
338. Yeah, well, you're lucky.Copy !req
339. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter
filled with obscure adjectives.Copy !req
340. What are you telling me here?Copy !req
341. I, too, now am in
the framing business.Copy !req
342. Holy shit!
Brandi dumped you.Copy !req
343. Wait a second,
aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?Copy !req
344. Should've left this morning.
Oh, it gets worse.Copy !req
345. I was gonna propose to her.
Where?Copy !req
346. On the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?Copy !req
347. When Jaws
pops out of the water.Copy !req
348. That's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
349. Too bad I'm not
trying to marry you.Copy !req
350. Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?Copy !req
351. Why do you ask?Copy !req
352. I never farted in front of Rene,
not once, all right?Copy !req
353. Then last week I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.Copy !req
354. You think that that's
why Rene dumped you?Copy !req
355. She's not the shallow type, Brodie.Copy !req
356. She was going down
on me at the time.Copy !req
357. Shut up!
What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed.Copy !req
358. When I'm relaxed, I squirt.Copy !req
359. If all she did was dump you, you got off light.Copy !req
360. I can't believe this shit.Copy !req
361. Why are we sitting here
trying to figure out...Copy !req
362. where we went wrong
with our significant others?Copy !req
363. We just nailed it,
in your case.Copy !req
364. No, there is something out there
that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.Copy !req
365. Ritual suicide?Copy !req
366. No, you idiot.
The fucking mall!Copy !req
367. I prefer ritual suicide.Copy !req
368. Oh, come on, man!
It'll be great.Copy !req
369. They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand.Copy !req
370. You have to try them,
they're awesome.Copy !req
371. You think the promise of a cookie is gonna lure me...Copy !req
372. into doing something
I have zero interest in?Copy !req
373. What am I, 5 years old?Copy !req
374. Quint, don't be such a pussy, all right?
Just go.Copy !req
375. All right, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
376. We can stop off at Brandi's
if that'll make you feel better.Copy !req
377. You can talk to her,
maybe patch this thing up.Copy !req
378. Oh, Mr. Quint, I'm Fred Bishop with NBC.Copy !req
379. The network would like to buy the rights to your story...Copy !req
380. to make a tasteful telepic.Copy !req
381. Mr. Quint,
Tom Drucker, CBS.Copy !req
382. We'll pay more money and we'll get Drew Barrymore
to play your girlfriend.Copy !req
383. Hey, back off.Copy !req
384. We can stop at Brandi's, right?
Yeah.Copy !req
385. Get dressed.Copy !req
386. Jazzercise?
Why does your mother have an aerobics tape in her car?Copy !req
387. We lose them?Copy !req
388. Not a news van in sight.Copy !req
389. Damn, anyone ever tell you
you drive like the Bandit?Copy !req
390. Oh, shit!
So much for seeing Brandi.Copy !req
391. Just ignore them
and go in.Copy !req
392. You kidding?
That's Hard Edition. That's tabloid TV.Copy !req
393. They see me here
and it's "Suburban Bonnie and Clyde reunite...Copy !req
394. "to slay father
in his own home."Copy !req
395. Man, I don't know
what you're crying about.Copy !req
396. I'd cut one of my nuts
in half to be on TV.Copy !req
397. That'd get you on this show.Copy !req
398. All right, tell you what.
You go round the back...Copy !req
399. I'll run interference
with the fourth estate.Copy !req
400. You got my back?
Your back is got.Copy !req
401. All right.Copy !req
402. So what's this all about?Copy !req
403. I'm Tori Metzger
from Hard Edition.Copy !req
404. We're hoping to get an interview with Brandi Svenning.Copy !req
405. Yeah, that's the girl who took a shot at the Governor.Copy !req
406. The same.
Do you know her?Copy !req
407. Oh, I should say so.
I've lived next door to her for 19 years.Copy !req
408. Even dated her once.Copy !req
409. Shit, the stories I could tell you!
Really?Copy !req
410. Satanic rituals?
Oh, all the time.Copy !req
411. I remember coming over
for Christmas one year...Copy !req
412. and they were celebrating
a black mass.Copy !req
413. Her father had sex with a goat right there in the den.Copy !req
414. And nobody ever reported this to the authorities?Copy !req
415. Everyone around here
is paralyzed by fear.Copy !req
416. Makes for shitty block parties.Copy !req
417. Could we possibly
go onto your property...Copy !req
418. and get you on tape with their backyard behind you?Copy !req
419. You want to put me on TV?Copy !req
420. Shit, I'll take you
to their propertyCopy !req
421. if you're gonna put me
on TV. Come on!Copy !req
422. I was thinking of calling you.Copy !req
423. Has your dad calmed down any?Copy !req
424. Well, until this morning.Copy !req
425. He read an article today
comparing him to the father of James Earl Ray.Copy !req
426. Can't you explain it to him?
You know it was an accident.Copy !req
427. I know it wasn't planned.Copy !req
428. But "accident"
is too light a termCopy !req
429. to describe what happened, T.S.Copy !req
430. Whatever. Can't we
just forget about it?Copy !req
431. Look, we already
missed Florida.Copy !req
432. We could be spending
this time alone together.Copy !req
433. Away from our friends, school, studies, everything.Copy !req
434. Don't you want to spend some time alone with me?Copy !req
435. Just to talk.Copy !req
436. Perhaps.Copy !req
437. Or perhaps more than talk.Copy !req
438. Oh. Oh, oh.Copy !req
439. Absolutely.
I'm always one for active non-talking.Copy !req
440. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
441. Why don't you go get
a pizza with me tonight?Copy !req
442. I've got the game show tonight.Copy !req
443. This is Svenning's bedroom.Copy !req
444. Now, I must warn you.Copy !req
445. The images that you capture,
whatever is going on in that room...Copy !req
446. may be ungodly and horrific.Copy !req
447. Take a look.Copy !req
448. I can't believe that you're still going through with this.Copy !req
449. Come on, T.S.,
it's no big deal.Copy !req
450. I mean, it's not like
I'm going to sleep with them.Copy !req
451. You might as well.Copy !req
452. I thought you had
more backbone than this.Copy !req
453. Why do you have to do everything that he tells you to do?Copy !req
454. There you go again.Copy !req
455. Just as you're making headway,
you louse it up with this...Copy !req
456. possessive machismo
which brings everything endearing about you...Copy !req
457. to a screaming halt, T.S.Copy !req
458. What are you doing out here?
Who are you people?Copy !req
459. What are you doing on my property, huh?
Get out of here!Copy !req
460. How do you answer
to your neighbor's chargesCopy !req
461. that you practice
satanic rituals?Copy !req
462. Satanic what?Copy !req
463. Daddy, what are you doing
outside in a towel?Copy !req
464. You did this, didn't you?Copy !req
465. You trashed my fiscal year...Copy !req
466. and now, you and your crony here egg these media vultures...Copy !req
467. into thinking they can...Copy !req
468. Daddy, T.S. had nothing
to do with—Copy !req
469. Mr. Svenning, look.
Whatever happened, I assure you, I didn't—Copy !req
470. You get your ass off
my property now! Go!Copy !req
471. And you people, you get the hell out of here
before I call the cops!Copy !req
472. Me, too?
Now!Copy !req
473. I don't know what
he's so mad about.Copy !req
474. They'll digitally erase his organ when they air the footage.Copy !req
475. Goddamn it!
What is my problem?Copy !req
476. I was this close to reconciliation and I blew up at her.Copy !req
477. And here I'm going to the fucking mall, of all places.Copy !req
478. You know what, as a matter of fact, I'm not. I'm going home.Copy !req
479. Look, the safest place for you to be right now
is at the mall.Copy !req
480. No press'll think to look for you here.
Hide in plain sight.Copy !req
481. Just shut up!Copy !req
482. You know what, this is all your fault this happened anyway.Copy !req
483. You and your
15 minutes of fame.Copy !req
484. Get a grip, for God's sake.Copy !req
485. Did you ever stop to think...Copy !req
486. that maybe the relationship wasn't on firm ground
to begin with?Copy !req
487. Hey!Copy !req
488. You know, it couldn't have been that strong
if she breaks up with you...Copy !req
489. over something stupid like getting her shot at, numbskull.Copy !req
490. Hey.Copy !req
491. I love the smell of
commerce in the morning!Copy !req
492. You're really making that last.Copy !req
493. Waste not, want not.Copy !req
494. What, you want
to say something?Copy !req
495. Yeah, about a million things...Copy !req
496. but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough
for you to understand them all.Copy !req
497. Asshole!
Prick!Copy !req
498. Fuck you!
What the hell was that all about?Copy !req
499. He's a jerk from
Fashionable Male,Copy !req
500. this upscale wannabe
shop on the 2nd floor.Copy !req
501. He's the manager.
The guy's always giving me shit.Copy !req
502. I've no idea why.Copy !req
503. I thought everybody
loved you at this mall.Copy !req
504. "F" him! Where do
you want to go first?Copy !req
505. Back to Brandi's.Copy !req
506. Look, Brandi is the past,
my friend.Copy !req
507. She's behind you now.Copy !req
508. You face forward,
or you face the possibility of shock and damage.Copy !req
509. You should learn
to heed your own advice.Copy !req
510. Where the hell did that come from?
What's going on here?Copy !req
511. It looks like a stage
is being erected.Copy !req
512. What is this monstrosity?Copy !req
513. Maybe it's for
the Easter Bunny pictures.Copy !req
514. Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is down
at the other end of the mall.Copy !req
515. It's been up since two days after Christmas.
I want answers.Copy !req
516. Ask one of the workers.Copy !req
517. No, there's a soul
who might know what's up.Copy !req
518. Willam.Copy !req
519. Willam!
Poopie trim.Copy !req
520. Brodie, man, what's going on?Copy !req
521. What, do you work here now?Copy !req
522. No, man.
Just hanging with T.S.Copy !req
523. T.S., I saw you on TV.
I think it was on Baywatch.Copy !req
524. CNN, Willam.Copy !req
525. Oh yeah, didn't you kill the Pope or something?Copy !req
526. I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.Copy !req
527. Oh.Copy !req
528. What are you doing, Willam?Copy !req
529. Looking for the hidden picture.Copy !req
530. If you stare at these things long enough,
you're supposed to see...Copy !req
531. some kind of hidden
three-dimensional picture.Copy !req
532. Oh, yeah, look.
It's a sailboat.Copy !req
533. You saw it, too?
Dammit!Copy !req
534. What?
I've been staring at this thing...Copy !req
535. for a week now from opening till closingCopy !req
536. and I can't see
a goddamned thing!Copy !req
537. You gotta relax your eyes.Copy !req
538. Everyone sees
this thing except me.Copy !req
539. Today's my day.
I brought a lunch and a soda...Copy !req
540. and I'm not gonna leave
until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.Copy !req
541. So, Willam...Copy !req
542. would you happen to know
what this stage business is all about?Copy !req
543. It's not a stage!Copy !req
544. I'm gonna see it if I
have to go blind trying.Copy !req
545. No man, this stage over here.Copy !req
546. Oh, that thing?
I think some game show in the mall today.Copy !req
547. I think it's going to be on TV.Copy !req
548. It's called Truth or Date or something.Copy !req
549. Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show.Copy !req
550. What is it?
It's this cheesy Dating Game rip-off thing.Copy !req
551. Supposed to be
for college kids.Copy !req
552. Just trying to capture
the '90s youth marketCopy !req
553. with a staple
of '70s television.Copy !req
554. Why can't they bring back
or remake good shows...Copy !req
555. like BJ and the Bear?Copy !req
556. Now there's a concept I can't get enough of:
a man and his monkey.Copy !req
557. Would you guys shut up?Copy !req
558. You're breaking my concentration.
Sorry, Willam.Copy !req
559. Now I have to start
all over again.Copy !req
560. Good luck with that thing.Copy !req
561. Remember, relax your eyes.Copy !req
562. Wow, a sailboat!Copy !req
563. Shut up!Copy !req
564. Could this week get any worse?Copy !req
565. Now she's going to be auctioned off on live TV from a mall.Copy !req
566. Not "a" mall, all right?Copy !req
567. "The" mall.
Show some respect.Copy !req
568. It doesn't have to go down like that,
if we trash the thing.Copy !req
569. There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces,Copy !req
570. by ruining her father's show.Copy !req
571. You're a clever one.
I can get someone to do it for us.Copy !req
572. We'll be blame-free and Brandi won't be able to do the show.Copy !req
573. Who is this imaginary
hatchet man?Copy !req
574. Hatchet men.Copy !req
575. Knock it off!Copy !req
576. Kitty, kitty, kitty!Copy !req
577. Look at these two.
$10 says they're trying to figure out...Copy !req
578. which one they're gonna
bury up to its neckCopy !req
579. and run over with a lawn mower.Copy !req
580. Kitty, kitty, kitty!
Hey, Jay!Copy !req
581. Brodie, man!
Nootchy nootchies!Copy !req
582. And, holy shit,
what do we have here?Copy !req
583. Mr. America's
Most Wanted himself.Copy !req
584. I had a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair.Copy !req
585. Ex-girlfriend.
What's he doing?Copy !req
586. Oh, shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week...Copy !req
587. and ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.Copy !req
588. Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts.Copy !req
589. Knock it off!Copy !req
590. The Force is strong
with this one.Copy !req
591. Dude, don't encourage him.Copy !req
592. So I was telling T.S. here we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
593. If there's anyone
that can help us out...Copy !req
594. it's the two guys that have even less to do than us.Copy !req
595. What is this shit?
Everyone's looking for us today.Copy !req
596. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talkCopy !req
597. to Obi-Wan about
her video set-up.Copy !req
598. Why him?
Silent Bob's an electrical genius.Copy !req
599. He won the science fair
in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator...Copy !req
600. into a CD player, using chicken wire and shit.Copy !req
601. Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver!Copy !req
602. Knock it off!Copy !req
603. And it's that kind of smarts we need, right, mopey?Copy !req
604. Leave me out of this.Copy !req
605. We need you to embark
on a little sabotage missionCopy !req
606. on behalf of T.S.'s love life.Copy !req
607. You know about this game show thing
they've got going on here?Copy !req
608. We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.Copy !req
609. Is that it?
We were gonna do that anyway.Copy !req
610. Really? Why?
What else are we gonna do?Copy !req
611. Silent Bob just stole the schematic of the stage
from some foolish carpenter...Copy !req
612. and found a weakness, just like the fucking Death Star.Copy !req
613. He figures if you pull
this crossbeam out...Copy !req
614. fucking bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.Copy !req
615. We were thinking
about something simple...Copy !req
616. but if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.Copy !req
617. Only problem is LaFours.Copy !req
618. Who's LaFours?Copy !req
619. You don't know who LaFours is?Copy !req
620. They don't know who LaFours is!Copy !req
621. He's only the most feared security guard
in the business, man.Copy !req
622. 460 collars, all convicted.Copy !req
623. I hear he's even got two kills.Copy !req
624. Holy shit! I never thought
I'd see the day...Copy !req
625. when two such highly reputable mischief-makers
as yourselves...Copy !req
626. douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard.Copy !req
627. Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out that stage
like a high-school kegger.Copy !req
628. We're just gonna outwit
LaFours, X-Men style.Copy !req
629. Should I call you Logan,
Weapon X?Copy !req
630. No, Wolverine!
Snicky, snicky, snoine.Copy !req
631. What he's doing is imitating
Wolverine's berserker attack with his Adamantium claws.Copy !req
632. I never would have guessed.Copy !req
633. All right, guys.
You have your mission...Copy !req
634. go forth and wreak havoc.Copy !req
635. Bye, baby kitties.Copy !req
636. Damn, Silent Bob,
show some heart.Copy !req
637. Pss, pss...Copy !req
638. That's better.
We're on the job.Copy !req
639. Thanks.Copy !req
640. I have to admit
I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.Copy !req
641. I would if I actually thought for a second
they could pull it off.Copy !req
642. Oh, ye of little faith,
want a cookie?Copy !req
643. What's he doing?Copy !req
644. If you stare at this poster for a few seconds,
a hidden picture appears.Copy !req
645. Can we do it?
Please?Copy !req
646. Go ahead, but hurry,
the Easter Bunny's waiting.Copy !req
647. Wow, it's a schooner!Copy !req
648. You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.Copy !req
649. A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead.Copy !req
650. You know what?Copy !req
651. There is no Easter Bunny!Copy !req
652. Over there is just
a guy in a suit!Copy !req
653. But they're engaged.
It doesn't matter, it can't happen.Copy !req
654. Why not?
It's bound to come up.Copy !req
655. It's impossible.
Lois could never have Superman's baby.Copy !req
656. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm?Copy !req
657. I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun,
right through her back.Copy !req
658. What about her womb?Copy !req
659. Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?Copy !req
660. Sure. Why not?Copy !req
661. He's an alien,
for Christ's sake!Copy !req
662. His Kryptonian
biological makeupCopy !req
663. is enhanced by
Earth's yellow sun.Copy !req
664. If Lois gets a tan,
the kid could kick right through her stomach.Copy !req
665. Only someone like Wonder Woman
has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid.Copy !req
666. The only way he could bang regular chicks
is with a Kryptonite condom.Copy !req
667. But that would kill him.Copy !req
668. How did I go
from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi...Copy !req
669. to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?Copy !req
670. Cookie stand is not
part of the food court.Copy !req
671. Of course it is.Copy !req
672. The food court is downstairs,
the cookie stand is upstairs.Copy !req
673. It's not like we're talking
quantum physics here.Copy !req
674. The cookie stand
counts as an eatery,Copy !req
675. the eatery's a part
of the food court.Copy !req
676. Bullshit. Eateries that operate
within the designated square downstairs...Copy !req
677. qualify as food court.Copy !req
678. Anything outside of said
designated square...Copy !req
679. is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.Copy !req
680. Now if you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject...Copy !req
681. Holy shit!Copy !req
682. Wait here.
Where are you going?Copy !req
683. Cherchez la femme.Copy !req
684. He said it was
just a guy in a suit.Copy !req
685. Don't listen to that man,
he just said it to be mean.Copy !req
686. That would look
terrible on you.Copy !req
687. Didn't I dump your ass
this morning?Copy !req
688. Look, I know you've had
some time to think about the mistake you've made...Copy !req
689. and I just want to let you know you don't have to apologize.Copy !req
690. I'm sure you were just
PMSing or something.Copy !req
691. Brodie, what kills me about you
is your inability to function...Copy !req
692. on the same plane of existence as the rest of us.Copy !req
693. Piss off.Copy !req
694. Okay. I see you want to continue
with this charade of ending our union.Copy !req
695. Fine, I'll play along.Copy !req
696. But if we're divorced,
we're gonna have to divide our mutual possessions.Copy !req
697. What the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
698. You have my
Punisher War Journal #6...Copy !req
699. my copy of Fletch and the remote control to my TV.Copy !req
700. I know it's gonna be hard
to give this stuff upCopy !req
701. because of its
sentimental attachment.Copy !req
702. Sentimental attachment?Copy !req
703. If I have any of that crap...Copy !req
704. it's because you brought it over to my house
and left it there.Copy !req
705. Okay, then let's
talk about coming upCopy !req
706. with a schedule
for visitation rights.Copy !req
707. For what?
For the mall.Copy !req
708. I figure you can
have the odd days,Copy !req
709. I'll take the even days
and weekends.Copy !req
710. When there's any
special functionCopy !req
711. like a sidewalk sale,
boat show—Copy !req
712. Brodie!Copy !req
713. I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.Copy !req
714. On your birthday,
when you asked me to do a striptease...Copy !req
715. to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay.Copy !req
716. When we were at that hotel, prom night...Copy !req
717. and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed...Copy !req
718. in case your mother
burst in, I did it.Copy !req
719. And even when we were
at my grandmother's funeral...Copy !req
720. when you told most
of my relatives...Copy !req
721. that you could see her nipples through her burial dress,Copy !req
722. I let it slide.Copy !req
723. If you think that I'm gonna suffer
any more of your shit with a smile...Copy !req
724. now that we're broken up,
you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.Copy !req
725. It wasn't Mighty Mouse.
It was Josie and the Pussycats.Copy !req
726. What?Copy !req
727. Sorry.Copy !req
728. First, you take a run at LaFours
with a sock full of quarters.Copy !req
729. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humping your mom last night. Nudge.Copy !req
730. You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold.Copy !req
731. That's when phase two kicks in.Copy !req
732. I attack the structure
Wolvie-berserk styleCopy !req
733. and knock out
the fucking pin...Copy !req
734. and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.Copy !req
735. T.S.: What? Do you know
that kid or something?Copy !req
736. I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.Copy !req
737. T.S.: What is with you today?Copy !req
738. Don't get me wrong.
I don't wish the kid harm...Copy !req
739. but his mother should suffer
that horrific ordeal...Copy !req
740. so she'll learn how
to manage her child.Copy !req
741. That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?Copy !req
742. There's not a year goes by
that I don't read about an escalator accident...Copy !req
743. involving some bastard kid
that could've been easily avoided...Copy !req
744. had some parent,
I don't care which one,Copy !req
745. but some parent,
conditioned him...Copy !req
746. to fear and respect
that escalator!Copy !req
747. Wow! Look who it is.Copy !req
748. Jerk!Copy !req
749. Little Tricia Jones!Copy !req
750. What's a pretty
girl like you...Copy !req
751. doing sitting alone
in the middle of this monument to consumerism?Copy !req
752. Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
753. And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual.Copy !req
754. On the contrary,
I'm here for comics.Copy !req
755. T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.Copy !req
756. Nobody calls me that.Copy !req
757. Our little Tricia here is only 15 but, uh,
somehow she's a senior.Copy !req
758. How'd you manage that?Copy !req
759. Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right.Copy !req
760. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what?Copy !req
761. Jesus, Brodie!Copy !req
762. Calm down.Copy !req
763. Tricia's compiling data
for this book she's writing...Copy !req
764. about the sex drive
of men ages 14 to 30.Copy !req
765. If I remember correctly,
it's titled Bore-Copy !req
766. A Study of the '90s
Male's Sexual Prowess.Copy !req
767. Ready to get sick?
Tell him about the advance you got.Copy !req
768. Pendant Publishing
gave me $20,000Copy !req
769. based on a treatment
and a sample chapter.Copy !req
770. You're kidding.
It's true.Copy !req
771. She'll be the youngest author
to tackle the subject.Copy !req
772. So when are they going
to publish this filthy little tome of yours?Copy !req
773. After my 18th birthday,
to avoid the moral and legal entanglements.Copy !req
774. So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys as research.Copy !req
775. If that's not enough, get this:Copy !req
776. She videotapes all of them.
What?Copy !req
777. I get everybody's consent
before we do it.Copy !req
778. Most guys get off on it.Copy !req
779. Men are easily amused.Copy !req
780. What are you writing in the calendar?Copy !req
781. I was coding
last night's research.Copy !req
782. She means sex.
I know what she meant.Copy !req
783. What kind of codes?
Here, look.Copy !req
784. The smiley face is for when I go down on the guy.Copy !req
785. The smiley face with lashes is for
when the guy goes down on me.Copy !req
786. The circle is for
when we have sex.Copy !req
787. The circle with the "X" in it
is for when I have an orgasm.Copy !req
788. The little house is
when we do it insideCopy !req
789. and the grass is for outside.Copy !req
790. That kid is back on
the escalator again!Copy !req
791. Wow, that's a pretty
elaborate log you got there.Copy !req
792. Wow, look at all those smiley faces without eyelashes.Copy !req
793. That shows you how
courteous men are.Copy !req
794. Out of 50 entries, only two have smiley faces with lashes.Copy !req
795. You slept with 50 guys?Copy !req
796. To fill out my research, yes.Copy !req
797. That's more guys than you've slept with, dude.Copy !req
798. Oh, my God. That kid is sitting on the escalator again!Copy !req
799. How old was last night's subject,
if you don't mind me asking?Copy !req
800. Twenty-five.Copy !req
801. It was the guy who runs
that store Fashionable Male.Copy !req
802. Holy shit! You slept
with that asshole? Why?Copy !req
803. I needed a 25-year-old.Copy !req
804. And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add.Copy !req
805. Ew, he mentioned me during sex?Copy !req
806. Afterwards.Copy !req
807. He says he wants
to kick your ass.Copy !req
808. I'd steer clear of him,
if I were you.Copy !req
809. Tell me you videotaped him saying that.
No.Copy !req
810. I shut the camera off
after the sex.Copy !req
811. You should have heard the stuff he wanted to do.Copy !req
812. I'm having
a hard time with this.Copy !req
813. Do your parents
know about this?Copy !req
814. Of course.Copy !req
815. That's remarkable.Copy !req
816. That's criminal.
That kid...Copy !req
817. That kid is back on
the escalator again!Copy !req
818. Leave it alone.
What?Copy !req
819. So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning
in some theme park.Copy !req
820. When are men going to learn
that women want romance?Copy !req
821. Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.Copy !req
822. Be fair, all right?Copy !req
823. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.Copy !req
824. Remember my offer.Copy !req
825. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs...Copy !req
826. Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy.Copy !req
827. Good luck with
the comic-book store.Copy !req
828. "Sega-boy." God,
Rene's got a big mouth!Copy !req
829. What does that mean,
"Good luck with the comic-book store"?Copy !req
830. How does that junior Masters and Johnson
know about my proposal?Copy !req
831. It's not like she's in an exclusive club or anything.Copy !req
832. What are you talking about?Copy !req
833. Sean Hartle's giving
everyone the inside scoop.Copy !req
834. What? What's he saying?Copy !req
835. How her father made
her do the game showCopy !req
836. so you couldn't
take her to Florida.Copy !req
837. Now, what the hell
is this shit?Copy !req
838. One hour? For what?Copy !req
839. What the hell is this?
What's going on here?Copy !req
840. What, you live in a fucking cave?
The man is in there.Copy !req
841. How'd Sean find this out?Copy !req
842. He was interning at KREL and he said he heard Svenning...Copy !req
843. barking at Brandi
over the phone about it.Copy !req
844. Apparently he had a feeling you were gonna pop the question.Copy !req
845. Who the fuck is the man?Copy !req
846. What, you waited till now
to tell me this?Copy !req
847. If you're gonna bother me
about this for the rest of the day...Copy !req
848. I'll go home!
You dragged me here!Copy !req
849. You needed this.
Who the fuck is in there?Copy !req
850. One side, Red.Copy !req
851. What the hell's going on here?Copy !req
852. I was warned about you.Copy !req
853. Take it easy before I have you removed—
Warned?Copy !req
854. What the fuck
are you talking about?Copy !req
855. Tell him, Steve.Copy !req
856. Fuck you, fan-boy!Copy !req
857. Would you testosterone-seething, He-Man comic book fans...Copy !req
858. finish up with this tough-guy back-and-forth?Copy !req
859. I got some questions
I need answered.Copy !req
860. Who's in there?Copy !req
861. You got to ask me nicely.Copy !req
862. Fuck this.Copy !req
863. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
864. Get the hell off of him.
Come on.Copy !req
865. You fuckers think
just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?Copy !req
866. I'll fucking
take all of you on!Copy !req
867. Somebody get a medic!Copy !req
868. There's a little boy
caught in the escalator!Copy !req
869. Come back here
and arrest this goon!Copy !req
870. You're fucking next, man.
Jesus, Brodie!Copy !req
871. I'm not going anywhere
until I find out why I can't get my comics.Copy !req
872. All right.Copy !req
873. Excuse me.
Don't hit me.Copy !req
874. Why is there a line?Copy !req
875. Stan Lee is signing comics.Copy !req
876. Stan Lee?Copy !req
877. Okay, Lunchbox,
let's try this again.Copy !req
878. We tie you to the roof,
you jump and sail like a Spitfire...Copy !req
879. passing right over
the arch-nemesis LaFours.Copy !req
880. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin.Copy !req
881. And when that's gone,
the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl.Copy !req
882. You got it? Now, get your fat ass out there!Copy !req
883. And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.Copy !req
884. Fly, fat-ass, fly!Copy !req
885. What the fuck?Copy !req
886. You fucker!Copy !req
887. Security?
Is it alive?Copy !req
888. Yeah.
This is Popular Girl.Copy !req
889. We just had something
crash through the wall.Copy !req
890. Stan Lee! How does something as big as the creator...Copy !req
891. of the most important titles in comics history...
coming to my mall get by me?Copy !req
892. I must be slipping
in my old age.Copy !req
893. The name amongst names.Copy !req
894. There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.Copy !req
895. Her father!Copy !req
896. I knew this game show thing
was just a beard for an attempt to break us up.Copy !req
897. Why can't he just
leave us aloneCopy !req
898. and let us follow through
with our plans?Copy !req
899. What kind of man
are you, anyway?Copy !req
900. I'm talking comics and you bring up chicks and romance?Copy !req
901. While we're on the subject,
why the hell do you want to get married now, anyway?Copy !req
902. You're still in college.Copy !req
903. I was just gonna propose.Copy !req
904. The wedding wouldn't be
till after we graduate.Copy !req
905. Waste of time, if you ask me.Copy !req
906. My grandmother always said,
"Why buy the cow...Copy !req
907. "when you get
the sex for free?"Copy !req
908. She did?
All the time.Copy !req
909. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday,Copy !req
910. but that's beside the point.Copy !req
911. Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry?Copy !req
912. Is he gone?
Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.Copy !req
913. Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog.Copy !req
914. What's with
all the running?Copy !req
915. What the hell happened to him?Copy !req
916. The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.Copy !req
917. We'll have to take a pass
on the stage-trashing business...Copy !req
918. otherwise he's liable
to kill himself.Copy !req
919. Sorry, bro.
Oh, no hard feelings.Copy !req
920. Isn't that Rene?Copy !req
921. She's probably
looking for me.Copy !req
922. I better go talk to her.Copy !req
923. Keep that.Copy !req
924. I don't know.
She's with somebody.Copy !req
925. She's practically blowing him.Copy !req
926. Wait a minute, isn't that...Copy !req
927. The asshole
from Fashionable Male!Copy !req
928. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
929. T.S.: My God!
You think that they're...Copy !req
930. Could be.
It'll explain why he hates me so much.Copy !req
931. And there's only
one way to find out.Copy !req
932. Can you run interference
with the lug?Copy !req
933. What are you gonna do?
Get some answers.Copy !req
934. Shit!Copy !req
935. Oh, you work at the Fashionable Male, don't you?Copy !req
936. Yeah? So?Copy !req
937. That's a great store
you got there.Copy !req
938. Uh, thanks. Listen,Copy !req
939. I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend here.Copy !req
940. So why don't you beat it?Copy !req
941. Oh, that's your girlfriend?
Right there?Copy !req
942. If you don't stop gawking at meCopy !req
943. and get the hell out of here,
I'll kick your ass.Copy !req
944. Haven't you ever
heard the phrase,Copy !req
945. "The customer's always right"?Copy !req
946. Let me tell you
a little secret:Copy !req
947. The customer's
always an asshole!Copy !req
948. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
949. What the hell gives
with the cover boy?Copy !req
950. None of your damn business.
He'd kick your ass if he knew about this.Copy !req
951. Are you insane?
The guy looks like a date rapist!Copy !req
952. Is that my jacket?
Start the elevator.Copy !req
953. Not until you tell me
what the situation isCopy !req
954. with you and
the Sperminator out there.Copy !req
955. How long has this
been going on?Copy !req
956. Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing.Copy !req
957. He's a much more suitable companion than you, any day.Copy !req
958. Are you nuts?Copy !req
959. The guy's pure testosterone!
He's a walking hard-on, looking for a hole!Copy !req
960. I need testosterone
after babysitting you and your comic book collection.Copy !req
961. I forgot what
real men were like.Copy !req
962. I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall
and pick up guys!Copy !req
963. Oh, no,
Shannon did the picking up.Copy !req
964. He's already taken me to lunch
at the Cheese Haus...Copy !req
965. purchased tickets for the opera night
and took me to stores I like!Copy !req
966. I took you shopping
all the time!Copy !req
967. You took me where you
went shopping, jerk!Copy !req
968. Do you think I care
what rat-hole storeCopy !req
969. in that shit-pit you
call the dirt mall...Copy !req
970. has got the latest
Godzilla bootlegs?Copy !req
971. You call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria
every night eating out?Copy !req
972. Do I give a shit when two major comic labels
are crossing over characters...Copy !req
973. and selling two editions of the book
in varied-ink chromium covers?Copy !req
974. I'm a girl, damn it!Copy !req
975. I want to do girly things
like fix someone's hair and get romantic phone calls.Copy !req
976. I call you all the time!Copy !req
977. "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over."
You call that romantic?Copy !req
978. When was the last time
you pulled out my chair or told me I was beautiful?Copy !req
979. This guy does all this
in the span of a day!Copy !req
980. This guy already introduced
me to his mother.Copy !req
981. Really?Copy !req
982. He was up and at work
by 9:00 this morning.Copy !req
983. Unlike my ex-boyfriend,
who would sleep until 1:00...Copy !req
984. 'cause he played Sega and watched videos all night long!Copy !req
985. Which, by the way, has enormous effect on your libido.Copy !req
986. Oh, now you attack my libido?Copy !req
987. There's no libido to attack.Copy !req
988. No libido to attack?Copy !req
989. You're sure you saw
her get on, right?Copy !req
990. Maybe she was getting off.Copy !req
991. Ow!Copy !req
992. Sorry.
It's all right.Copy !req
993. You know something?
You look familiar to me.Copy !req
994. Couldn't be.
I'm never at the mall much.Copy !req
995. No, it's not from the mall.Copy !req
996. I know. You're the guy from the news
that kidnapped the President's daughter...Copy !req
997. and threw her off the roof.Copy !req
998. I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.Copy !req
999. There, that was
romantic, right?Copy !req
1000. Passionate, yeah.Copy !req
1001. No, Brodie. That was too little, too late.Copy !req
1002. Too little?Copy !req
1003. You said it was a good size.Copy !req
1004. The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little, too late.Copy !req
1005. But now that you mention it,
when a girl says it's a good size...Copy !req
1006. it's a nice way of
saying that it's small.Copy !req
1007. Hey!Copy !req
1008. I'm gonna kill
that son of a bitch.Copy !req
1009. No, forget about him.Copy !req
1010. He just wanted to give me something
that he forgot to give me a long time ago.Copy !req
1011. He's harmless now. Okay?Copy !req
1012. Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.Copy !req
1013. Right there in the elevator?Copy !req
1014. I don't know what came over me.Copy !req
1015. She challenged my libido.Copy !req
1016. I felt obligated to defend myself
against her accusations.Copy !req
1017. Oh, it's not like you
still wanted her.Copy !req
1018. Not in the least.
I'm over her.Copy !req
1019. Holy shit!Copy !req
1020. You really love that girl.
Yeah, right.Copy !req
1021. No, I never noticed it before,
but she really fuels your engine.Copy !req
1022. You have this new glow about you.
I don't have a glow.Copy !req
1023. You do.
You're glowing.Copy !req
1024. If I have a glow
it's because just I got laid.Copy !req
1025. I'd look the same if I banged
anyone in that elevator,Copy !req
1026. present company excluded.Copy !req
1027. Deny it all you want.
I think you're too proud to admit you want her back.Copy !req
1028. I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.Copy !req
1029. What is your problem? I don't understand.Copy !req
1030. Oh, Gwen! I'm sorry.
You fucker!Copy !req
1031. See! That's what you get
for fucking with me.Copy !req
1032. Hey, Gwen, he didn't
really mean to hit you.Copy !req
1033. He's got a funny way
of showing it,Copy !req
1034. by elbowing me in
my frigging tit!Copy !req
1035. Why the hell are you glowing?Copy !req
1036. I'm not glowing.Copy !req
1037. Brandi dumped him.Copy !req
1038. Would you stop saying that?Copy !req
1039. I know. I heard.Copy !req
1040. You heard? How?Copy !req
1041. She told me.
I ran into her a few minutes ago.Copy !req
1042. Really? Where?
By the stage.Copy !req
1043. Do you want me to rub it?Copy !req
1044. Work with me, people,
would you please?Copy !req
1045. No, I don't want this here.Copy !req
1046. I want it toward the front.Copy !req
1047. The rug keeps popping up.Copy !req
1048. If I put the podium there,
it'll stay down.Copy !req
1049. Move it!Copy !req
1050. Mr. Svenning!
Give me the podium!Copy !req
1051. You put the podium
down over here...Copy !req
1052. Like this.Copy !req
1053. You stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English?Copy !req
1054. Like this.Copy !req
1055. Mr. Svenning!
Let me help you up.Copy !req
1056. Get off! Move!
Here, let me help you.Copy !req
1057. All right, where's Brandi?
Let go of me!Copy !req
1058. Where's Brandi?Copy !req
1059. You're fired.
You get the hell out of here.Copy !req
1060. Get off my set!Copy !req
1061. Where is she?Copy !req
1062. You are out of her life.Copy !req
1063. Now, you stay out of her business and mine,
understand me?Copy !req
1064. Come on, people.
Are we working here?Copy !req
1065. Get the backdrop ready.
Are those lights ready to go?Copy !req
1066. Okay, Mr. Svenning.Copy !req
1067. Go on the other side
and put the podiumCopy !req
1068. over the bad spot
in the carpet, okay?Copy !req
1069. The hole?
Please. Go. Now. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1070. So, you made her dump me...Copy !req
1071. and now you're going
to auction her offCopy !req
1072. in an effort to better
further your own career?Copy !req
1073. Not that it's any
of your concern,Copy !req
1074. but Brandi agreed to be
on Truth or Date.Copy !req
1075. After that shit you
pulled last night,Copy !req
1076. I think she's even
looking forward to it.Copy !req
1077. It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy.Copy !req
1078. Somebody with a brain.Copy !req
1079. You admit it?
You are behind our break-up.Copy !req
1080. Admit it?Copy !req
1081. Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am of this game show here.Copy !req
1082. Listen to me.
It's over between you two.Copy !req
1083. The sooner you get that,
the better off we're all gonna be.Copy !req
1084. Understand me?
You don't.Copy !req
1085. Guard, come here.
Get this guy off of my set.Copy !req
1086. If he gives you any shit,
you have my permission to castrate him.Copy !req
1087. T.S.: You can't do this!Copy !req
1088. I just did.Copy !req
1089. Get me LaFours.
Right away, sir.Copy !req
1090. Well, go on!Copy !req
1091. I wonder if my mother
ever wore a pair like this.Copy !req
1092. How about these?Copy !req
1093. Very sexy.
That sounded convincing.Copy !req
1094. I'm preoccupied.Copy !req
1095. T.S., she told you.
She's just doing it as a favor to her father.Copy !req
1096. Regardless.Copy !req
1097. It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.Copy !req
1098. She might as well.
You're overreacting again.Copy !req
1099. That's why your
relationships fail.Copy !req
1100. It's certainly why ours did.Copy !req
1101. You got bent out of shape
the same way over that costume party in high school.Copy !req
1102. You fucked Rick Derris
on a pool table!Copy !req
1103. With everyone watching,
no less.Copy !req
1104. It was a costume party, T.S.Copy !req
1105. No one could tell it was me.Copy !req
1106. Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that?Copy !req
1107. I would've been a sexy chick.Copy !req
1108. Do you remember
that costume party?Copy !req
1109. Might that have been the one
where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table?Copy !req
1110. Nobody remembers
shit like that?Copy !req
1111. How is it that you recall
the most trivial events?Copy !req
1112. I'll never forget it.
How many chancesCopy !req
1113. do you get to see
Smokey fuck the Bandit?Copy !req
1114. Didn't I look just
like Burt Reynolds?Copy !req
1115. Except for the moustache.Copy !req
1116. You know, they have a whole room
you're supposed to do that in?Copy !req
1117. Some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly today...Copy !req
1118. he busted in on me twice
while I was trying on stuff.Copy !req
1119. This saves him the effort. Oh.Copy !req
1120. Ooh.Copy !req
1121. How much longer are we gonna be
in this chick store, anyway?Copy !req
1122. I'm starting to get
a mean hard-on.Copy !req
1123. Brodie, Tell me about
the Rene break-up.Copy !req
1124. I threw her away like a parking ticket.
Ha!Copy !req
1125. Don't front, Brodie.
I talked to Rene's cousin this morning.Copy !req
1126. It was vice-versa.Copy !req
1127. They certainly aren't
acting broken up.Copy !req
1128. Go ahead.
Ask him about the elevator.Copy !req
1129. Tell me about the elevator.Copy !req
1130. It goes up and down.Copy !req
1131. Rene seems so coarse, anyway.Copy !req
1132. What was it like to date her?Copy !req
1133. Ever slept with somebody?Copy !req
1134. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
1135. I mean, really slept
with somebody.Copy !req
1136. Beside them, not just fuck them on a gaming table.Copy !req
1137. We slept together one time,
remember, in high school?Copy !req
1138. That ski trip?
That was you?Copy !req
1139. Yes, Brodie, I've slept
beside many people.Copy !req
1140. All right.Copy !req
1141. You know how when someone lays with their back to you...Copy !req
1142. and you lay behind
them really closeCopy !req
1143. and you throw
one arm over them?Copy !req
1144. It's called spooning.Copy !req
1145. But you gotta put
the other arm somewhere.Copy !req
1146. You can either lay on it
or just shove it in between your bodies.Copy !req
1147. The only other option is to stretch it above your head.Copy !req
1148. But sometimes my arm
pops out of the socket when I'm sleeping like that.Copy !req
1149. So, I was constantly searching for someplace
to keep my arm...Copy !req
1150. while still laying
close to her.Copy !req
1151. And?Copy !req
1152. What do you mean, "And"?
That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship.Copy !req
1153. Jackass.Copy !req
1154. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.Copy !req
1155. I know exactly
how he feels. Excuse me.Copy !req
1156. Fill this with Coke, no ice.Copy !req
1157. Want a sip of my soda?Copy !req
1158. Smartass ex-boyfriend.Copy !req
1159. You know who I am?Copy !req
1160. A deeply resentful
retail manager?Copy !req
1161. Rene's with me now.
Okay? You got that?Copy !req
1162. So don't be sniffing around her anymore
like you tried to do today.Copy !req
1163. Shit!Copy !req
1164. There goes the lung.Copy !req
1165. Listen to me.Copy !req
1166. I got two things to tell you.Copy !req
1167. I don't like you.Copy !req
1168. I see you every week
in this mall.Copy !req
1169. I don't like
shiftless layabouts.Copy !req
1170. You're one of these
fucking loser mallrat kids.Copy !req
1171. You don't come here to work or shop,
you hang out all day.Copy !req
1172. Act like you fucking live here.Copy !req
1173. I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.Copy !req
1174. Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?Copy !req
1175. Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fucking clueless.Copy !req
1176. The newly single often feel strangely protective
of the ex-boyfriend.Copy !req
1177. If this is her idea
of protective,Copy !req
1178. hate to have her mad at me.Copy !req
1179. Now, you see, Bruce...Copy !req
1180. I like to pick up girls
on the rebound from a disappointing relationship.Copy !req
1181. They're more vulnerable,
they're in much more need of solace...Copy !req
1182. and they're fairly
open to suggestion.Copy !req
1183. And I use that suggestion
to fuck them someplace very uncomfortable.Copy !req
1184. What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?Copy !req
1185. No, like somewhere girls dread.Copy !req
1186. Oh!Copy !req
1187. All right. Now, uh...Copy !req
1188. is it because it's a challenge?Copy !req
1189. Is it because it's taboo?Copy !req
1190. Or is it because
I like to, you know...Copy !req
1191. have them differently than they've ever been had before?Copy !req
1192. This sounds like a discussion
much more suited...Copy !req
1193. to an extended professional
counseling session.Copy !req
1194. I'll go get
a therapist for you.Copy !req
1195. Now, evidently,
the only one that's gonna need a doctor here...Copy !req
1196. is yourself, my friend.Copy !req
1197. And my suggestion to you is...Copy !req
1198. forget you ever dated Rene.Copy !req
1199. Until I get what I'm looking for
from this latest dalliance...Copy !req
1200. I better not find you within 10 city blocks of her...Copy !req
1201. otherwise I will be forced
to do you some very serious damage.Copy !req
1202. All right? Hmm?
We clear on that?Copy !req
1203. Rene who?Copy !req
1204. There you go.
Not bad, you're learning.Copy !req
1205. Well, all right, Bryce.Copy !req
1206. Bruce.Copy !req
1207. I'm glad we had
this little chat.Copy !req
1208. I'll remember it when I'm fucking your girlfriend.Copy !req
1209. Oh, and, uh, my store's having a sale next weekend.Copy !req
1210. You should come by.
I'll cut you a nice deal on a suit.Copy !req
1211. Did we ever get along?Copy !req
1212. Once or twice.Copy !req
1213. How come we went
out as long as we did?Copy !req
1214. You had cable.Copy !req
1215. So, are you gonna
stay for the show?Copy !req
1216. Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone.Copy !req
1217. T.S. Quint. Where's your sense of chivalry?Copy !req
1218. Oh, my God!
Is that Brodie?Copy !req
1219. You're fucking kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?Copy !req
1220. All I said was the Easter BunnyCopy !req
1221. at the Menlo Park mall
was more convincing.Copy !req
1222. He just jumped the railing
and knocked me down.Copy !req
1223. He's fucking dead!Copy !req
1224. Oh, let it go.
He's under a lot of pressure.Copy !req
1225. What the hell happened to him?Copy !req
1226. The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass.Copy !req
1227. Fuck all that shit.
Come on, Silent Bob.Copy !req
1228. What really happened?Copy !req
1229. The proprietor of
Fashionable MaleCopy !req
1230. beat a rain check
into my stomach.Copy !req
1231. Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?Copy !req
1232. I went out with him
after we dated.Copy !req
1233. He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once.Copy !req
1234. What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?Copy !req
1235. Sounds like his M.O.Copy !req
1236. Can you get up?
Am I still glowing?Copy !req
1237. You're barely breathing.
Was Rene involved in any of this?Copy !req
1238. This was an independent
act of aggression.Copy !req
1239. He told me that
his intentions wereCopy !req
1240. to penetrate
my ex-girlfriend...Copy !req
1241. in the most notorious of body cavities.
Sounds just like him.Copy !req
1242. Oh, you better tell Rene.
Let him do whatever the hell he wants.Copy !req
1243. If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is,Copy !req
1244. she deserves the discomfort.Copy !req
1245. I, on the other hand,
have had just aboutCopy !req
1246. all the discomfort
I can stand for a day.Copy !req
1247. Oh, shit, I'm late.
I gotta go.Copy !req
1248. You're just gonna leave
with him in this condition?Copy !req
1249. I gotta split.
You gonna be okay?Copy !req
1250. Couple of pins in the hip,
I'll be good as new.Copy !req
1251. That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.Copy !req
1252. Women, always leaving you
when you've just had the crap kicked out of you.Copy !req
1253. You look like
you're gonna live to me.Copy !req
1254. You stay here.
I gotta hit the bathroom.Copy !req
1255. Please, don't say "hit!"Copy !req
1256. All right, honey.Copy !req
1257. Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday.Copy !req
1258. Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.Copy !req
1259. All right, who's next? It's hot in this goddamn suit!Copy !req
1260. Hey, guys. Wait in line
like everybody else.Copy !req
1261. What the hell is this?Copy !req
1262. This is for Brodie.Copy !req
1263. He's here.Copy !req
1264. What?
Him and Brodie.Copy !req
1265. Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving.
Oh.Copy !req
1266. He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.Copy !req
1267. Maybe because we're broken up for good this time.Copy !req
1268. I remember when I dumped T.S.Copy !req
1269. I was all right with it till
he started dating you.Copy !req
1270. A little jealousy residue?Copy !req
1271. I thought so at first.Copy !req
1272. Then I realized it
was more than that.Copy !req
1273. When I saw how he was with you,Copy !req
1274. how well you two
complemented each other...Copy !req
1275. it finally hit me that
T.S. is a great catch.Copy !req
1276. Gwen, you were always
cheating on him.Copy !req
1277. Capricious youth?Copy !req
1278. Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.Copy !req
1279. Jesus, Gwen.
The last thing I need at this point...Copy !req
1280. is a lecture on my love life.Copy !req
1281. All I'm saying is that
the really good guys are few and far between.Copy !req
1282. In fact, I haven't
met one since T.S.Copy !req
1283. Even if I did meet one,
I guarantee I'd use him as the basis for my comparison.Copy !req
1284. You can have him
if you want him.Copy !req
1285. Believe me,
I might consider trying...Copy !req
1286. if he weren't
so hung up on you.Copy !req
1287. Well, I gotta get home.Copy !req
1288. Have a great show.
Okay. Bye.Copy !req
1289. Chocolate-covered pretzel?Copy !req
1290. This is Roddy,
Mr. Svenning's assistant.Copy !req
1291. Mr. Svenning would like
to have a word with you.Copy !req
1292. Where? Ah, these are melting.Copy !req
1293. Copy that.
By the stage.Copy !req
1294. Tell him I'll be
there in a minute.Copy !req
1295. What do you think?
I don't trust it.Copy !req
1296. Maybe he's calmed down a little bit.
We'll talk reasonably.Copy !req
1297. Reasonably, shmeasonably.
You should go over there and give him shit.Copy !req
1298. You kidding?
I'm trying to marry his daughter.Copy !req
1299. All right, so you can't scream at him,
but after all he's done...Copy !req
1300. you should still
kind of stick it to him.Copy !req
1301. How do you propose I do that?Copy !req
1302. You stink-palm him.
Stink-palm?Copy !req
1303. Take your hand
and you stick it in your ass like this.Copy !req
1304. You've been walking all day
and you're also nervousCopy !req
1305. and no doubt you're
sweaty as hell.Copy !req
1306. You should see
yourself right now.Copy !req
1307. A man with his hand
in his pants.Copy !req
1308. I probably look like
my old man.Copy !req
1309. Now you shake hands
with the guy.Copy !req
1310. "Hey, Mr. Svenning.
How've you been?"Copy !req
1311. What's the point?Copy !req
1312. Know how long it takes
for that smell to come off?Copy !req
1313. Scrub all you like,
it'll stick around for at least two days.Copy !req
1314. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family?Copy !req
1315. They'll think he doesn't know
how to wipe his ass properly.Copy !req
1316. Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand
that smells like shit?Copy !req
1317. Small price to pay
for the smiting of one's enemies.Copy !req
1318. I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor.Copy !req
1319. Stay here while
I go talk to him.Copy !req
1320. I assure you, tonight's program will go off
without a hitch.Copy !req
1321. I hope so, Jared,
for your sake.Copy !req
1322. You picked a dangerous mall
to host a game show in.Copy !req
1323. I hear the Easter Bunny
was accosted this morning.Copy !req
1324. If there's anything
even remotely resemblingCopy !req
1325. the trouble you had at
the Governor's Ball...Copy !req
1326. you're gonna be hosting
the Lotto drawingCopy !req
1327. on public access the rest of your career.Copy !req
1328. Gentlemen, please trust me.Copy !req
1329. I have just taken
the necessary precautions...Copy !req
1330. to insure everything
will go smoothly.Copy !req
1331. Hmm?Copy !req
1332. Nothing to worry about.
Sound test!Copy !req
1333. I tell you what.
Why don't...Copy !req
1334. Why don't I meet you back here around show time?Copy !req
1335. Somebody said you
wanted to see me?Copy !req
1336. Yes, I did.Copy !req
1337. You know what?
I'm feeling a little less frazzled...Copy !req
1338. and I thought maybe
we might chat.Copy !req
1339. Chat?
Mmm-hmm. Yes, chat.Copy !req
1340. All right, look.Copy !req
1341. I realize that the other night
didn't go very well for you.Copy !req
1342. And I realize I'm to bear most of the blame for that.Copy !req
1343. Yes, you do.Copy !req
1344. But hey, it was a grant
that would have enabled...Copy !req
1345. the station and myself
to make the leapCopy !req
1346. into syndication-viable
programming...Copy !req
1347. leaving me, of course,
with no choice...Copy !req
1348. but to peddle this show
to the network execs and beg for a job.Copy !req
1349. No big deal. It's okay.Copy !req
1350. And for that I'm sorry.Copy !req
1351. But to penalize Brandi and I,
our relationship, for that...Copy !req
1352. Come on, isn't there
some other way?Copy !req
1353. I'm afraid not.Copy !req
1354. I mean, I can't exactly
ask Brandi to marry me if...Copy !req
1355. Marry you?Copy !req
1356. Yeah, I was gonna ask her to marry me
when we got to Florida.Copy !req
1357. Oh...Copy !req
1358. You know, uh...Copy !req
1359. Uh...Copy !req
1360. I've always felt bad
about the fact that I had to raise Brandi on my own.Copy !req
1361. Her mother, she left us
when Brandi was only 3.Copy !req
1362. Well, her mother was
a little immature.Copy !req
1363. She was only 15 at
the time she had her.Copy !req
1364. Of course I was only 14. But that's another story.Copy !req
1365. Anyway, ever since she left
it was just the two of us.Copy !req
1366. But I've prided myself
on the fact...Copy !req
1367. that I've instilled in her
some strong values.Copy !req
1368. And while I know she's generally a good girl...Copy !req
1369. I also know that,
being young once myself...Copy !req
1370. it's hard to sometimes
ignore certain, uh...Copy !req
1371. urges.Copy !req
1372. Tingles. Hmm?Copy !req
1373. I'm not sure I follow you, sir.Copy !req
1374. Quint...Copy !req
1375. I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter.Copy !req
1376. The two of you...Copy !req
1377. have been dating long enough
for you to have slimed your way into her panties...Copy !req
1378. and I'm sure you did just that at least once or twice...Copy !req
1379. in my own house, probably while I was at home.Copy !req
1380. The idea of that used to keep me awake at nights.Copy !req
1381. But now you give me something even worse to think about.Copy !req
1382. The notion of you...Copy !req
1383. as an albatross around my daughter's neck
for the rest of her life...Copy !req
1384. is too much.Copy !req
1385. Brandi has a bright future.Copy !req
1386. She is an extremely intelligent\ and capable girl.Copy !req
1387. And I'm sure that one day
she'll be even more successful than me.Copy !req
1388. Maybe.Copy !req
1389. But you...Copy !req
1390. You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition.Copy !req
1391. Hmm?Copy !req
1392. And no chance of making it
in the real world.Copy !req
1393. My daughter is
too good for you.Copy !req
1394. You will never,
ever be with her.Copy !req
1395. Hmm?Copy !req
1396. If there isn't anything else...Copy !req
1397. Hey, fellas!Copy !req
1398. Well, well, well,
if it isn't my neighbor.Copy !req
1399. You been watching
my family conductCopy !req
1400. any more of our
satanic rituals lately?Copy !req
1401. Please, sir, accept my apology for my juvenile behavior.Copy !req
1402. Damn! Would you feel that iron-grip handshake!Copy !req
1403. Uh...Copy !req
1404. You know, with an imagination like yours...Copy !req
1405. you belong on TV.Copy !req
1406. Oh, that's your forte, sir.
And you do it so well.Copy !req
1407. So, what's going on here?Copy !req
1408. T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points.Copy !req
1409. Of which he does have many.
Mmm.Copy !req
1410. Hey! Look at that ring.
What is that?Copy !req
1411. That is my junior-college
class ring.Copy !req
1412. Cum laude, '69.Copy !req
1413. I also hope to come loud one day,
preferably in a 69.Copy !req
1414. Boy, look at the shine on that.Copy !req
1415. Mmm.
Do you polish it daily?Copy !req
1416. You know, Bruce, once you eventually get a job...Copy !req
1417. and start working
for a living...Copy !req
1418. you're gonna realize
that there's not enough time in the day...Copy !req
1419. for such luxuries
as ring polishing.Copy !req
1420. Is that so?Copy !req
1421. Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?Copy !req
1422. They're a little melty,
but, damn, are they exquisite.Copy !req
1423. If I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.Copy !req
1424. Um...Copy !req
1425. Dark chocolate?
Yeah!Copy !req
1426. Oh, come on!
No, please, no!Copy !req
1427. They're awesome.
Here you go.Copy !req
1428. Thank you.Copy !req
1429. Mmm.
Oh.Copy !req
1430. That's good.
Very nice.Copy !req
1431. Being a man who,
uh, believes in...Copy !req
1432. "one good turn
deserves another"...Copy !req
1433. Mmm.Copy !req
1434. I have something...Copy !req
1435. to offer...Copy !req
1436. the both of you.Copy !req
1437. Really, what's that?Copy !req
1438. What is this?
These are called handcuffs.Copy !req
1439. This is what is known
as a precautionary measure.Copy !req
1440. Easy, boy, easy.Copy !req
1441. I couldn't risk having you screw up my career...Copy !req
1442. or make another
play for Brandi.Copy !req
1443. Once I realized you
two were in the mallCopy !req
1444. I decided to set up
this little ambush...Copy !req
1445. to remove...Copy !req
1446. you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.Copy !req
1447. Why am I his sidekick?
How do you know he's not my sidekick?Copy !req
1448. Well, that's something
you're gonna have to figure out for yourself...Copy !req
1449. in jail.Copy !req
1450. Take them away!Copy !req
1451. Yes! Whoo!Copy !req
1452. Oh, joyous.Copy !req
1453. So good.Copy !req
1454. Mmm.Copy !req
1455. T.S.: You're nothing but
a lot of talk and a badge.Copy !req
1456. Rene! Get Jay
and Silent Bob! Please!Copy !req
1457. Hurry!Copy !req
1458. Did somebody call your name?Copy !req
1459. Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait here, okay?Copy !req
1460. Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.Copy !req
1461. Thanks.Copy !req
1462. I'll tell you, what you need
is a fatty-boombatty blunt.Copy !req
1463. Then I guarantee
you see a sailboat...Copy !req
1464. an ocean, and maybe
even some of themCopy !req
1465. big-titted mermaids
doing lesbian shit.Copy !req
1466. Look at me, look at me,
you sloppy bitch!Copy !req
1467. Dude, you're a mad
chick magnet!Copy !req
1468. T.S., Brodie, security guards.Copy !req
1469. Under arrest,
they need help! Go!Copy !req
1470. Wow. A sailboat.Copy !req
1471. Brenda?
Dick!Copy !req
1472. This is illegal!
You can't arrest us for nothing!Copy !req
1473. Oh, all right.Copy !req
1474. I believe when Mr. LaFours
turns us over to the police...Copy !req
1475. the bag of contraband that he's "found" on our persons...Copy !req
1476. will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up.Copy !req
1477. At least for the duration
of this evening's show.Copy !req
1478. Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?Copy !req
1479. Come, son of Jor-El!
Kneel before Zod!Copy !req
1480. Snootchy bootchies!
Ha ha!Copy !req
1481. Asshole.Copy !req
1482. Vulcan nerve pinch?
That was close.Copy !req
1483. What about that stink-palm back there?
He even licked his hand.Copy !req
1484. We gotta disappear, man.
They'll be looking for us.Copy !req
1485. Oh, thank you, man. We owe you one.
You want to hide?Copy !req
1486. I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go.Copy !req
1487. Don't I even get to wash my hand first?
Brodie!Copy !req
1488. What the shit are we gonna do?Copy !req
1489. Come on, we're fucked!
They're right behind us. Come on!Copy !req
1490. Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!Copy !req
1491. Where do you get
those wonderful toys?Copy !req
1492. T.S.: This is where
we're hiding out?Copy !req
1493. This is the dirt mall!Copy !req
1494. Cops never come in here.Copy !req
1495. Neither does any self-respecting consumer.Copy !req
1496. I never could figure out
what you saw in this place.Copy !req
1497. Good buys. Great people.
Earthy aromas.Copy !req
1498. Hey, Walt!
Brodie!Copy !req
1499. They know me here.Copy !req
1500. I wouldn't be
too proud of that.Copy !req
1501. Listen to the sound
of defeat in your voice.Copy !req
1502. Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated?Copy !req
1503. Man, you're giving up?
You?Copy !req
1504. You used to be a stand-up kind of guy.
What happened to that guy?Copy !req
1505. The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother
after she called him "low-class."Copy !req
1506. That wasn't me, that was you.Copy !req
1507. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1508. It wasn't her mother,
it was her grandmother.Copy !req
1509. No wonder the bitch
went down so fast.Copy !req
1510. You should have boards in them.
All right?Copy !req
1511. Bloody savage.Copy !req
1512. That is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.Copy !req
1513. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother...Copy !req
1514. or an entire senior citizens' community
if you believed in the principle.Copy !req
1515. But only if they
were really old.Copy !req
1516. Maybe I was deluded.Copy !req
1517. Maybe you were right
this morning...Copy !req
1518. when you said if something stupid
could change how she feels...Copy !req
1519. she's not into it
in the first place.Copy !req
1520. You'd listen to me?
To something I said?Copy !req
1521. Jesus! Haven't I made it clear
during the tenure of our friendship...Copy !req
1522. that I don't know shit?Copy !req
1523. I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass.Copy !req
1524. Or sticking my hand in it.Copy !req
1525. Sometimes, but on occasionCopy !req
1526. you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out.Copy !req
1527. This morning might have been one of those occasions.Copy !req
1528. You know what you need?Copy !req
1529. Some sage-like advice.Copy !req
1530. You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.Copy !req
1531. Not from me, from Ivannah.Copy !req
1532. Who's Ivannah?Copy !req
1533. I can't even find the words.Copy !req
1534. Is that ingenuity or what?Copy !req
1535. What's palm-reading have to do with being topless?Copy !req
1536. It makes the news
easier to take.Copy !req
1537. She could tell me
I'll die in 10 minutes,Copy !req
1538. so long as she told me topless.Copy !req
1539. Your maleness
amazes me sometimes.Copy !req
1540. What can I say?
I love tits.Copy !req
1541. What kind of people
patronize this service?Copy !req
1542. People like us.Copy !req
1543. Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting—Copy !req
1544. Don't be such
a damn fundamentalist.Copy !req
1545. I've already reached my lowest.Copy !req
1546. This is where I draw the line.Copy !req
1547. You used to like tits, too.Copy !req
1548. I love tits as
much as the next guy,Copy !req
1549. but why pay some
old hag good money...Copy !req
1550. for supernatural
chicanery coupledCopy !req
1551. with sagging, wrinkled,
weathered boobs?Copy !req
1552. You know, Quint...Copy !req
1553. you're a homosexual.Copy !req
1554. Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.Copy !req
1555. You've come for a glimpse at your future?Copy !req
1556. Amongst other things.Copy !req
1557. Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly.Copy !req
1558. If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea...Copy !req
1559. or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown...Copy !req
1560. Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake...Copy !req
1561. in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.Copy !req
1562. You guys still in?Copy !req
1563. We're both healthy
and strapping young men.Copy !req
1564. You give me $58.60.Copy !req
1565. What?Copy !req
1566. You expect me to pay for this?Copy !req
1567. I'm broke.
I'll pay you back.Copy !req
1568. I knew it.
I can't believe you.Copy !req
1569. I didn't even want to do this.Copy !req
1570. You'll thank me later.Copy !req
1571. Thank you.Copy !req
1572. Mmm.Copy !req
1573. All right, gentlemen,
free your mind.Copy !req
1574. I'd like to free something.Copy !req
1575. Focus.
That's what I was thinking.Copy !req
1576. She said "focus."
Whatever.Copy !req
1577. I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.Copy !req
1578. A difficulty in affecting
a resolution...Copy !req
1579. for a problem.Copy !req
1580. Something hard.Copy !req
1581. I'm convinced.
She's got the gift.Copy !req
1582. Try to contain yourself.Copy !req
1583. Miss, I appreciate the effortCopy !req
1584. and I'm sure
you're very good at...Copy !req
1585. whatever it is you do...Copy !req
1586. but my shallow friend isn't interested in his future,Copy !req
1587. so you can cut the theatrics.Copy !req
1588. What a relief.
I do so much betterCopy !req
1589. when I don't have to
say things in character.Copy !req
1590. You don't have
to say anything at all.Copy !req
1591. You paid,
I should tell you something.Copy !req
1592. In order to do that...
Mmm...Copy !req
1593. I have to work completely...Copy !req
1594. unfettered.Copy !req
1595. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1596. Oh, I can definitely
sense the problem. Here.Copy !req
1597. Girl trouble.Copy !req
1598. Apparently,
you're both on the outsCopy !req
1599. with your respective steadies.Copy !req
1600. That's amazing.Copy !req
1601. That's disgusting!Copy !req
1602. Oh, you both feel
the pain... Ow!Copy !req
1603. of loss.Copy !req
1604. But only one of
you makes it vocal.Copy !req
1605. The other one suffers silently.Copy !req
1606. My God, you're right.Copy !req
1607. We gotta go.Copy !req
1608. How can this be resolved?Copy !req
1609. I would say, yes...Copy !req
1610. combine your efforts.Copy !req
1611. You both have
very strong auras...Copy !req
1612. and two strong auras
produce positive results.Copy !req
1613. I feel nauseous.Copy !req
1614. So, in working together—Copy !req
1615. You'll beat the odds.Copy !req
1616. The odds. Yes.Copy !req
1617. Mmm, that's what I see.Copy !req
1618. Let me tell you what I see...
That's great!Copy !req
1619. I don't buy her power.Copy !req
1620. All right, when's my birthday?Copy !req
1621. Between the first
and the last...Copy !req
1622. of October.Copy !req
1623. Did you hear that?Copy !req
1624. Very haunting. Let's go.Copy !req
1625. Why are you stuck here
in this dirt mallCopy !req
1626. and not in an upscale
commercial setting?Copy !req
1627. You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.Copy !req
1628. Believe it or not,
some people still frown on topless fortune-telling.Copy !req
1629. Unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective.Copy !req
1630. Really?
It's the third nipple that does it.Copy !req
1631. Oh, you have a third nipple?Copy !req
1632. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1633. It's clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake.Copy !req
1634. You can stare at it.
I don't mind.Copy !req
1635. No.Copy !req
1636. Understanding is reached...Copy !req
1637. only after confrontation.Copy !req
1638. Of course!Copy !req
1639. Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how informative you've been.Copy !req
1640. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1641. And don't ever
lose that nipple.Copy !req
1642. I won't.Copy !req
1643. Do you have...Copy !req
1644. Any other extra body parts?Copy !req
1645. No.
Just curious.Copy !req
1646. You could double-check me, if you like.Copy !req
1647. Really?
T.S.: Come on!Copy !req
1648. Works every time.Copy !req
1649. Mmm. Cherry.Copy !req
1650. You're gonna what?Copy !req
1651. I'll get on her dad's show.Copy !req
1652. Are you kidding?Copy !req
1653. Last time he had dope planted on us.
What will he do this time?Copy !req
1654. He can't touch us once it starts.
It's a live feed.Copy !req
1655. He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs.Copy !req
1656. It can't happen.
I'll make it happen.Copy !req
1657. "Understanding is reached
only after confrontation."Copy !req
1658. That's what Ivannah said.
Brandi will respond to confrontation.Copy !req
1659. Hey, man.
Didn't I see you on CNN?Copy !req
1660. What the hell's
your problem, anyway?Copy !req
1661. You're supposed to be the impetuous one, not me.Copy !req
1662. Why are you fighting me?Copy !req
1663. I'm being rational!Copy !req
1664. You're scared you may want to follow my lead
and win Rene back!Copy !req
1665. Rene who?
Whatever. Just do me a favor.Copy !req
1666. Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.Copy !req
1667. I'll need your help.
Where are you going?Copy !req
1668. Shopping.Copy !req
1669. What the hell am
I supposed to do?Copy !req
1670. Hey, man! It wasn't me!Copy !req
1671. Dude, this looks like your mom.Copy !req
1672. I've been looking
all over for you two.Copy !req
1673. We're hiding.Copy !req
1674. In a bookstore?Copy !req
1675. Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch.Copy !req
1676. I need your help.
What?Copy !req
1677. You two up for getting stoned?Copy !req
1678. Look
who you're asking.Copy !req
1679. You looking at
that couple inside?Copy !req
1680. Actually, I was just looking
at this little pink number over here.Copy !req
1681. That's kind of nice.
They look happy, don't they?Copy !req
1682. What, the bras?Copy !req
1683. No, the couple.
They look happy.Copy !req
1684. I guess, as far as couples go.Copy !req
1685. You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-Man I did.Copy !req
1686. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping.Copy !req
1687. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up...Copy !req
1688. and he pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.Copy !req
1689. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.Copy !req
1690. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1691. Holy shit!Copy !req
1692. Aren't you...
Oh, Stan Lee. Hi.Copy !req
1693. What's up, boys?
You guys on this show?Copy !req
1694. That's the rumor.Copy !req
1695. Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there...Copy !req
1696. and being on TV, I'd be scared as hell if I were you two.Copy !req
1697. Yeah?Copy !req
1698. Sure, man.
What if you fuck up?Copy !req
1699. Your friends and
family watching.Copy !req
1700. I'd be piss scared
I'd get a boner or fucking fart or something.Copy !req
1701. He's got a point, man.
This is live. Anything could happen.Copy !req
1702. Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.Copy !req
1703. There's only one thing that could take off that edge.Copy !req
1704. Make you feel relaxed as hell.Copy !req
1705. Make you forget how many peopleCopy !req
1706. are staring at
you here and on TV.Copy !req
1707. And what's that?Copy !req
1708. Snootchy-bootchy nootchies!Copy !req
1709. The Fantastic Four.
Reed Richards. Can his whole body stretch?Copy !req
1710. I mean every part,
you know, like his—Copy !req
1711. I know what you mean.Copy !req
1712. We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.Copy !req
1713. What with the
comic-book code and all.Copy !req
1714. I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you!Copy !req
1715. You're responsible
for the greats.Copy !req
1716. Let's do the list.
Spider-Man?Copy !req
1717. Guilty.
The Incredible Hulk?Copy !req
1718. Afraid so.
This is so cool.Copy !req
1719. The X-Men?
Now that you mention it.Copy !req
1720. Shit, man.
You are a god!Copy !req
1721. Hey, look at that couple.Copy !req
1722. Boy, they sure seem
to be in love, huh?Copy !req
1723. What's with that?
That's the second timeCopy !req
1724. you've commented
on couples in love.Copy !req
1725. Well, I like
that sort of thing.Copy !req
1726. Tell me, do you have
a girlfriend, Brodie?Copy !req
1727. Had one.
We just broke up.Copy !req
1728. The Thing?
Is his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body?Copy !req
1729. It's a superhero secret.Copy !req
1730. Tell me, Brodie.
Why did you and your girlfriend break up?Copy !req
1731. She was a pain in the ass.Copy !req
1732. She wanted me to be
this typical boyfriend guy.Copy !req
1733. She said I was too into my own world of comics and all.Copy !req
1734. I can relate.Copy !req
1735. There was a time when it was all about comics for me.Copy !req
1736. I had a girl, probably
the same as yours.Copy !req
1737. She always complained
that I spentCopy !req
1738. too much time
with my own comics.Copy !req
1739. And eventually we broke up.Copy !req
1740. See, what did she know?Copy !req
1741. Here you are now,
a legend in the field.Copy !req
1742. You had a slew of
women since her, right?Copy !req
1743. Oh. Lots of women.Copy !req
1744. Jagger and me,
we had a running contest to see who had the most.Copy !req
1745. Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.Copy !req
1746. Damn, that's hot!Copy !req
1747. But I never forgot that girl.Copy !req
1748. Did you ever get
back together with her?Copy !req
1749. One day I found out
she got married.Copy !req
1750. I had blown it.
I had missed my window.Copy !req
1751. No way.Copy !req
1752. What'd you do?Copy !req
1753. I went on with my life.Copy !req
1754. I created some special
new superheroes.Copy !req
1755. They were characters
that reflectedCopy !req
1756. my own heartbreak
and my own regrets.Copy !req
1757. How so?Copy !req
1758. Doctor Doom wears body armorCopy !req
1759. to conceal his
own mangled form.Copy !req
1760. Right?
Yeah.Copy !req
1761. That was me beneath the armor.Copy !req
1762. The Hulk.Copy !req
1763. A normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.Copy !req
1764. Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.Copy !req
1765. So you created each characterCopy !req
1766. as a way to deal with
your one big regret.Copy !req
1767. Yeah, the girl that got away.Copy !req
1768. Look, do yourself
a favor, Brodie.Copy !req
1769. Don't wait.Copy !req
1770. Because all the money,
all the women...Copy !req
1771. even all the comic
books in the world,Copy !req
1772. they can't substitute
for that one person.Copy !req
1773. I don't know. All the comics in the world?Copy !req
1774. Trust me, true believer.Copy !req
1775. Well, good talking to you.Copy !req
1776. Keep up all the good work.Copy !req
1777. You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.Copy !req
1778. Hey, Stan!
Yeah?Copy !req
1779. She really meant
that much to you?Copy !req
1780. Brodie, I'd give it
all up, all of it...Copy !req
1781. for just one more day with her.Copy !req
1782. Take care.Copy !req
1783. Stan!
Hi!Copy !req
1784. I think he bought it.Copy !req
1785. What kind of story
did you give him?Copy !req
1786. Oh, it was the Vulture's
soliloquy, you know,Copy !req
1787. from the Spider-Man
anniversary issue.Copy !req
1788. "Love Be a Vulture Tonight."
Yeah.Copy !req
1789. I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee.
Oh, forget it.Copy !req
1790. You know, I think you ought to get him some help.Copy !req
1791. He seems to be really hung up on superheroes' sex organs.Copy !req
1792. But he'll outgrow it.Copy !req
1793. Oh, Mr. Lee?
Yeah.Copy !req
1794. Excelsior!
Oh, you got that right.Copy !req
1795. See you.Copy !req
1796. Cool.Copy !req
1797. I think I felt it move.Copy !req
1798. Just kidding.Copy !req
1799. Just the two I'm looking for.
I need help.Copy !req
1800. With what?Copy !req
1801. Let me borrow the Shannon Hamilton tape.
Why?Copy !req
1802. It's important!
The future of my relationship depends on it.Copy !req
1803. It's at my house.
Take T.S.'s station wagon, parked in 2D.Copy !req
1804. I don't even have a license.
Just go!Copy !req
1805. You still got
that stage schematic?Copy !req
1806. I need you to wire something together for me.Copy !req
1807. Oh, Jesus.
What's with him?Copy !req
1808. Oh, I don't know.
I'm suddenly not feeling too well.Copy !req
1809. But everything is fine.Copy !req
1810. We're about to start.Copy !req
1811. Oh, you are in for something
really special tonight, gentlemen.Copy !req
1812. I have lined up...Copy !req
1813. Excuse me.Copy !req
1814. Jesus.Copy !req
1815. Sorry.Copy !req
1816. I have lined up some
really bright kids here.Copy !req
1817. This promises to
be a lot of fun.Copy !req
1818. I'm sure you're gonna love it.Copy !req
1819. Shouldn't you be in bed or something?Copy !req
1820. No. I wouldn't miss
this for the world.Copy !req
1821. Make sure everybody's
ready and let's start.Copy !req
1822. How much did you smoke?Copy !req
1823. All it took was a fat chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.Copy !req
1824. How much do I owe you?
My treat.Copy !req
1825. As long as you promise,
next time you pop your old lady...Copy !req
1826. you make her call you "Jay."
Snootchy bootchies.Copy !req
1827. Let's hope there
is a next time.Copy !req
1828. All right, I'm ready.Copy !req
1829. You're never gonna
believe who I just met.Copy !req
1830. What the hell happened to these two?Copy !req
1831. Power of the Dark Side.Copy !req
1832. Wait, there's only two.Copy !req
1833. There's supposed to be three.
Where's the third guy?Copy !req
1834. I never saw a third guy.Copy !req
1835. Who's this asshole?Copy !req
1836. What the hell happened to those guys?Copy !req
1837. They got lightheaded.
You got that right.Copy !req
1838. They gonna cancel the show?Copy !req
1839. What do you care?Copy !req
1840. I'm supposed to be on it.
I'm Gil Hicks.Copy !req
1841. Suitor Number Three.Copy !req
1842. We're taking their place.
I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.Copy !req
1843. Didn't I see you on the news?Copy !req
1844. Dude. Don't give him
any shit, all right?Copy !req
1845. Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svenning?Copy !req
1846. Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria.Copy !req
1847. What happened to those two?Copy !req
1848. They got sick.
We volunteer to take their place.Copy !req
1849. Isn't this guy
from Monmouth State?Copy !req
1850. He and that broad tried to kill the Governor.Copy !req
1851. Yes, it is.
All right, Quint.Copy !req
1852. I don't know how
you got back in,Copy !req
1853. but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning.Copy !req
1854. We'll postpone the start until we figure this all out.Copy !req
1855. You called down the thunder,Copy !req
1856. now you've got it!
Security!Copy !req
1857. Hey, Roddy!
What?Copy !req
1858. Jesus Christ,
you knocked him out.Copy !req
1859. Now hit him!Copy !req
1860. Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?Copy !req
1861. They got stoned and knocked him out.
He needs medical attention.Copy !req
1862. That's not what happened. Ow!Copy !req
1863. Could you have him removed?
The show's about to start.Copy !req
1864. Whatever.Copy !req
1865. Look, dude.
No more shit, all right?Copy !req
1866. Just go out and woo like you're supposed to
and nobody gets hurt.Copy !req
1867. When Tricia shows up
with the videotape,Copy !req
1868. you get it to
Silent Bob, understand?Copy !req
1869. I'm on it. Wait a sec,
where is that tubby bitch?Copy !req
1870. Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.Copy !req
1871. One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.Copy !req
1872. Hi, I'm Bob Summers,
your host...Copy !req
1873. and tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors...Copy !req
1874. woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.Copy !req
1875. Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for romance in the making...Copy !req
1876. as we introduce the suitors!Copy !req
1877. Our first suitor goes
to Marymount CollegeCopy !req
1878. where he majors in Economics.Copy !req
1879. Say hi to Doug Paging.Copy !req
1880. Do it, Doug!Copy !req
1881. Our second suitor hails from Canisius College in Buffalo...Copy !req
1882. where he majors
in Communications.Copy !req
1883. Say hi to Rob Feature.Copy !req
1884. Our final suitor
goes to Rutgers...Copy !req
1885. where he majors in Fine Arts and Greek mythology.Copy !req
1886. A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.Copy !req
1887. Pay attention, dick.Copy !req
1888. May the best man win.Copy !req
1889. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette.Copy !req
1890. From Monmouth State,
where she majorsCopy !req
1891. in Astronomy and
Earth Sciences...Copy !req
1892. a big welcome for the lovely Brandi Svenning.Copy !req
1893. All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.Copy !req
1894. Our lovely suitor-ette will askCopy !req
1895. a series of questions
of our suitors...Copy !req
1896. and make her decision
based on their answers.Copy !req
1897. Anything goes!Copy !req
1898. Brandi, are you ready?Copy !req
1899. Absolutely, Bob.Copy !req
1900. Then you may fire when ready.Copy !req
1901. Okay.Copy !req
1902. Um.Copy !req
1903. Suitor Number One.Copy !req
1904. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?Copy !req
1905. Um, the kind you'd never dump your boyfriend in.Copy !req
1906. Okay.Copy !req
1907. Suitor Number Two.Copy !req
1908. Can't you call me
the Second Suitor?Copy !req
1909. "Suitor Number Two" sounds like a bathroom code, you know?Copy !req
1910. Now, the Second Suitor...Copy !req
1911. sounds like
a figure of mystery.Copy !req
1912. Like I belong on
the grassy knoll.Copy !req
1913. Okay.Copy !req
1914. Second Suitor.Copy !req
1915. If we were making whoopee—Copy !req
1916. What's whoopee?Copy !req
1917. Um.Copy !req
1918. If we were...Copy !req
1919. If we were being intimate...Copy !req
1920. What, like fucking?Copy !req
1921. Yeah.Copy !req
1922. If we were, you know, what kind of noises would you make?Copy !req
1923. No, I think that's
kind of personal.Copy !req
1924. I don't think I
should answer that.Copy !req
1925. Uh, Suitor Number Three.Copy !req
1926. What would our
first date be like?Copy !req
1927. First I'd take you shopping to the stores
you'd want to shop in.Copy !req
1928. And then we'd do
a little lunch,Copy !req
1929. probably at the Cheese Haus...Copy !req
1930. followed by some golfing.Copy !req
1931. Then at night,
we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus.Copy !req
1932. Then I'd follow it all up with a drive
to a secluded beach...Copy !req
1933. where I'd pop on the radio...Copy !req
1934. and then we could slow dance till the sun came up.Copy !req
1935. That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!Copy !req
1936. I mean, look at you,
you're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.Copy !req
1937. I should know,
we can smell our own.Copy !req
1938. Suitor Number One.Copy !req
1939. If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?Copy !req
1940. When Jaws popped
out of the water.Copy !req
1941. Excuse me?Copy !req
1942. I'll propose to you right now.Copy !req
1943. I propose you stop letting your father run your life...Copy !req
1944. and be true to yourself
and not give up on someone you know has value.Copy !req
1945. Yeah, and take off your socks
when you make whoopee...Copy !req
1946. or whatever that word is.
He hates it when you leave them on.Copy !req
1947. What?
Hypothetically speaking.Copy !req
1948. Suitor Number One,
you sound familiar.Copy !req
1949. Like your conscience, maybe?Copy !req
1950. Look, lady. You don't
know him, all right?Copy !req
1951. Now make with the questions.Copy !req
1952. Suitor Number Three.Copy !req
1953. Is your kiss like
a soft breeze...Copy !req
1954. a firm handshake,
or a jackhammer?Copy !req
1955. What's the funny guy
doing with his hands?Copy !req
1956. I don't want to know.Copy !req
1957. What the fuck is
going on up there?Copy !req
1958. Never mind.
You go tell LaFours to call the police.Copy !req
1959. I want the fucking Department down here now
to arrest those guys.Copy !req
1960. Now. Go.Copy !req
1961. Definitely a jackhammer.Copy !req
1962. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done...Copy !req
1963. you're not the same as before.
You're changed.Copy !req
1964. Where do you come
up with this shit?Copy !req
1965. That is the cheesiest response
to an honest question I've ever heard.Copy !req
1966. I saw you kiss
and it wasn't anything like that.Copy !req
1967. Suitor Number Two,
you have to wait untilCopy !req
1968. you're addressed
before you respond.Copy !req
1969. Richard Dawson,
go back to your podiumCopy !req
1970. until it's time to play
the Feud, all right?Copy !req
1971. Who did you see me kiss?Copy !req
1972. Some dude backstage.Copy !req
1973. I don't know who he was,
but he seemed unimpressed.Copy !req
1974. I didn't kiss any guy backstage,
I swear. I'm not gay.Copy !req
1975. Hey, Suitor-ette,
this guy's a homophobe.Copy !req
1976. You heard how
repulsed he sounded.Copy !req
1977. Is this the kind of guy
you want to spend a vacation with?Copy !req
1978. This hate monger?
I don't hate gay people!Copy !req
1979. So you love them?
Yes!Copy !req
1980. I mean, no!
Textbook closet case. Self-loather.Copy !req
1981. Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.Copy !req
1982. Brodie said to
give this to you.Copy !req
1983. Are you watching this shit, man?
It's fucked up!Copy !req
1984. I don't want to be
here when that tapeCopy !req
1985. does what I think
it's going to do.Copy !req
1986. Why the hell not, man?
This shit is dope.Copy !req
1987. Holy fuck.
He'll kill him.Copy !req
1988. Who'll kill who?Copy !req
1989. LaFours, man.
Silent Bob, he's my fucking board, man.Copy !req
1990. What am I going to fucking do?
Point him out.Copy !req
1991. Miss Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?Copy !req
1992. Um, I don't think that—Copy !req
1993. How strong are
your convictions?Copy !req
1994. Hi.Copy !req
1995. Would you be
interested in partakingCopy !req
1996. in some psycho-behavioral research?Copy !req
1997. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1998. How easily do you quit?
Say you wind up with one of us.Copy !req
1999. Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh, over here.Copy !req
2000. I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!Copy !req
2001. Why not, because he's fat?
You got something against fat people, too?Copy !req
2002. Snootchy bootchies!Copy !req
2003. Are you ready?Copy !req
2004. Uh.Copy !req
2005. If I have a conviction,
I stick to it.Copy !req
2006. Were you ever in love?Copy !req
2007. Yes, as a matter of fact.
Oh, really?Copy !req
2008. What happened to
your boyfriend?Copy !req
2009. We broke up.
Why?Copy !req
2010. It just didn't work out.Copy !req
2011. I mean, were you unhappy?Copy !req
2012. Sometimes.
Why?Copy !req
2013. I don't know.
The usual baggage.Copy !req
2014. He lacked a sense of romance.Copy !req
2015. He almost ruined
my father's career.Copy !req
2016. He got me implicated
in an attempted murder.Copy !req
2017. That was an accident.Copy !req
2018. T. S.?Copy !req
2019. Hey, what about the rest of us?Copy !req
2020. Why don't you
ask me a question?Copy !req
2021. Suitor Number Two.Copy !req
2022. Hey, what about me?
Gil, just shut the fuck up!Copy !req
2023. Second Suitor...Copy !req
2024. would you ever make
whoopee in public?Copy !req
2025. I already did once today.Copy !req
2026. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once.
True story.Copy !req
2027. He was on a plane
to New Mexico,Copy !req
2028. when all of a sudden
the hydraulics went.Copy !req
2029. The plane started spinning around, going out of control.Copy !req
2030. He decides it's all over,
whips it outCopy !req
2031. and starts beating it
right there.Copy !req
2032. All the passengers
take a cue from him,Copy !req
2033. they whip it out and
start beating like mad.Copy !req
2034. So all the passengers
are beating off,Copy !req
2035. plummeting to
their certain doom...Copy !req
2036. when all of a sudden...Copy !req
2037. the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.Copy !req
2038. It lands safely...Copy !req
2039. and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever,
away and deboard.Copy !req
2040. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.Copy !req
2041. Did he come or what?Copy !req
2042. Jesus Christ, Gil!Copy !req
2043. There are just some things
you do not mention in public.Copy !req
2044. Second Suitor...Copy !req
2045. if you were a comic-book character,
what character would you be?Copy !req
2046. Wow, that's a great question.Copy !req
2047. A tough one, though.
What does one gauge his response on?Copy !req
2048. Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?Copy !req
2049. The ability to banter well
with super villains?Copy !req
2050. How's your comic-book
collection, Brodie?Copy !req
2051. Oh, it's going good.
But, I mean—Copy !req
2052. Oh, comics!
What are you talking about?Copy !req
2053. I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids!Copy !req
2054. I knew it.Copy !req
2055. Suitor Number One...Copy !req
2056. you just don't know
when to quit, do you?Copy !req
2057. No.Copy !req
2058. No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.Copy !req
2059. I was.Copy !req
2060. But you complicated my life.Copy !req
2061. How so?Copy !req
2062. Well, you placed
me in such a damnedCopy !req
2063. uncomfortable
position with my father...Copy !req
2064. Twice even.
What was I supposed to do?Copy !req
2065. Show a little backbone.Copy !req
2066. I was ready to show
a little backbone.Copy !req
2067. And then you had to
show up with Bumbler the Boy Wonder over there...Copy !req
2068. and screw things
up further, proving...Copy !req
2069. that you never took
the situation seriously.Copy !req
2070. Boy Wonder?
I'm all man, lady!Copy !req
2071. I've never done anything
but show interest in you.Copy !req
2072. Our whole goddamn romantic career I doted on you.Copy !req
2073. The minute things
got dicey, you cracked.Copy !req
2074. There we were,
mere hours from spending an entire week together...Copy !req
2075. away from our family, school.Copy !req
2076. She throws in the towel
because her daddy says so.Copy !req
2077. He got us shot at by
the Federal authorities.Copy !req
2078. He brought his troublemaker friend over to my house...Copy !req
2079. where he proceeded to
allow news cameras...Copy !req
2080. to take naked
videos of my father.Copy !req
2081. Then he had the audacity
to inform me...Copy !req
2082. that on this vacation that we were supposed to take...Copy !req
2083. that he was going
to propose to me,Copy !req
2084. without even discussing
it with me first.Copy !req
2085. We've been talking about getting married since high school.Copy !req
2086. He could have approached my father, man to man...Copy !req
2087. and made his intentions clear.Copy !req
2088. He could have apologized
for all the problems that he caused.Copy !req
2089. But what does he do instead?
He just goes on with his life.Copy !req
2090. I mean here he is.
He's hanging out at a mall.Copy !req
2091. You put yourself on an auction block for God's sake...Copy !req
2092. in front of
a live studio audience.Copy !req
2093. Do I get a chance to field
any more questions?Copy !req
2094. No!Copy !req
2095. Look, I think I should say something here.Copy !req
2096. I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor-ette...Copy !req
2097. Suitor Number One
has done nothing but pine over you all day...Copy !req
2098. trying to figure out
a way to win you back.Copy !req
2099. When this public opportunity
to literally do that arose...Copy !req
2100. he pulled his shit together, risked life and limb...Copy !req
2101. and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot.Copy !req
2102. I'm tired of this whole thing!Copy !req
2103. You're both retarded
for each other!Copy !req
2104. Forget about
the shit that happenedCopy !req
2105. and do what you're supposed to!Copy !req
2106. I think the audience
would agree with me there.Copy !req
2107. Ask her, you silly bastard!Copy !req
2108. Miss Suitor-ette...Copy !req
2109. Suitor Number One loves you...Copy !req
2110. has always loved you,
and will always love you.Copy !req
2111. He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.Copy !req
2112. Will you marry me?Copy !req
2113. Yes.Copy !req
2114. Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!Copy !req
2115. Are we set or what?
Good to go.Copy !req
2116. Hey, did you see LaFours out there?
No.Copy !req
2117. For a minute there, I thought that we were in trouble.Copy !req
2118. Oh, a sailboat.Copy !req
2119. I think it's safe to say,
we've made our match.Copy !req
2120. These two lucky people will soon be winging their way...Copy !req
2121. to beautiful, sunny Florida
for a week of theme parks, beaches...Copy !req
2122. and a lot more
from the look of it!Copy !req
2123. I guess that about
wraps it up for—Copy !req
2124. Not just yet, Pat Sajak.Copy !req
2125. All right?Copy !req
2126. You! All right.Copy !req
2127. I believe you have something that belongs to me.Copy !req
2128. Yeah? What's that?Copy !req
2129. Not you, asshole! The girl.Copy !req
2130. You have my heart.Copy !req
2131. What can I say?Copy !req
2132. I love the retard.Copy !req
2133. Wait a minute.
I thought tonightCopy !req
2134. we were supposed to,
you know...Copy !req
2135. Hamilton!Copy !req
2136. Let's try to wrap this up, all right?
I promised her breakfast.Copy !req
2137. All right, that's it.Copy !req
2138. You're dead, mallrat.
I'm going to fuck you up beyond repair!Copy !req
2139. Sailboat. Sailboat.
Goddamn sailboat.Copy !req
2140. What in Christ's name
took you guys so long?Copy !req
2141. Get your asses up there
and arrest those guys.Copy !req
2142. The one with the girl and the one with the microphone.Copy !req
2143. For what?Copy !req
2144. Trespassing, public lewdness, FCC violation.Copy !req
2145. Food poisoning.Copy !req
2146. Ladies and gentlemen,
this tall drink of water headed my way...Copy !req
2147. is a pillar of
the shopping community...Copy !req
2148. who informed me earlier today
of a nefarious plan of his...Copy !req
2149. to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.Copy !req
2150. What? Like the back
of a Volkswagen?Copy !req
2151. And as he comes up here to...Copy !req
2152. Holy shit!Copy !req
2153. Without further ado,
I'd like to present you all...Copy !req
2154. with an accurate portrayal
of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.Copy !req
2155. Now, Silent Bob!Copy !req
2156. I said now, Silent Bob!Copy !req
2157. When, Lord?Copy !req
2158. When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?Copy !req
2159. Now, now, now!Copy !req
2160. Who's your favorite New Kid?Copy !req
2161. Call me Joey.Copy !req
2162. Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose.
I think that's it.Copy !req
2163. Yeah. Call me Donnie.
Come on. Oh, girl.Copy !req
2164. Yeah, please don't go.Copy !req
2165. No wonder why she
walks all fucked up.Copy !req
2166. That girl's only 15.Copy !req
2167. Oh, 15?
I thought she was 36.Copy !req
2168. Hey, come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't have popped her?Copy !req
2169. Where you're going...Copy !req
2170. they screw people in
a very uncomfortable place.Copy !req
2171. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
2172. You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.Copy !req
2173. Oh, come on, just once?Copy !req
2174. All right, but make it fast.Copy !req
2175. Would you have gone on vacation with the winner?Copy !req
2176. What do you think?Copy !req
2177. I don't know,
I think you would have.Copy !req
2178. But I would have
sent you a postcard.Copy !req
2179. What the hell is wrong with me?Copy !req
2180. If the tape was
out of your reach,Copy !req
2181. how the hell did you get it?Copy !req
2182. The Jedi mind trick!Copy !req
2183. Holy shit!
Motherfucking Yoda and shit!Copy !req
2184. Adventure?
Excitement?Copy !req
2185. A Jedi craves not these things.Copy !req
2186. Holy! You spoke.Copy !req
2187. There was never anything good to say before.Copy !req
2188. Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?Copy !req
2189. I call that illegal.Copy !req
2190. So.Copy !req
2191. So what?Copy !req
2192. I was just wondering,
if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night...Copy !req
2193. Yeah?Copy !req
2194. Would you like to have dinner at my house
and meet my mother?Copy !req
2195. I can't guarantee
she'll like you, but...Copy !req
2196. Hey, want a cookie?
It's on me.Copy !req
2197. It was just a warm-up.
Please, come on?Copy !req
2198. The show wouldalways go smoother
and be less racy.Copy !req
2199. The show was a piece of shit.Copy !req
2200. Unoriginal,
uninspired, you know.Copy !req
2201. The only thing that saved it was this guy here.Copy !req
2202. I'm Bentley Garrison,
with the network.Copy !req
2203. Me and Mason thought
you were hysterical.Copy !req
2204. Hilarious. You've got
great presence, kid.Copy !req
2205. Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show?
Yeah.Copy !req
2206. Him?Copy !req
2207. Excuse me, sir. Are you the producer of this program?Copy !req
2208. Of course I am,
you stupid shit.Copy !req
2209. And I want those
two guys arrested.Copy !req
2210. Sir, you are under arrest.Copy !req
2211. What?Copy !req
2212. What for?Copy !req
2213. For broadcasting lewd or indecent images
in a public forum...Copy !req
2214. and violation of about 19 FCC regulations.Copy !req
2215. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
2216. And for vomiting on my shoes.Copy !req
2217. Yeah?Copy !req