- 1. I told him, "Donald...
- 2. "I have to attend.
It's my ball."
- 3. And then he said:
- 4. "The lodge only throws their ball
once every decade.
- 5. "Why can't you ever
attend my balls?"
- 6. And I said, "Jesus Christ, Donald,
that's what I've been doing for 30 years."
- 7. You're such an idiot.
- 8. Gov. Dalton,
this is Jared Svenning...
- 9. the gentleman to whom you are presenting
- 10. Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you.
- 11. Might I add, you're absolutely stunning this evening?
- 12. You can dispense
with the ass-munching.
- 13. You're getting your check.
- 14. Thank you.
- 15. The grant, that is,
will go a long way...
- 16. towards funding
the new programming
- 17. that I'm working on for KREL.
- 18. That's the public
access station, right?
- 19. The one they run
the lottery numbers on?
- 20. Well, we, uh, air more
than just lottery numbers.
- 21. Mmm-mmm...
I mean, in fact...
- 22. we're going to broadcast a live game show
from a local mall this Saturday.
- 23. How long is this thing
going to take?
- 24. Tonight I've got
Melrose at 9:00.
- 25. Uh...
- 26. Well, there's dinner,
followed by the presentation.
- 27. Oh, and then we adjourn into the auditorium
for a stage presentation...
- 28. by the Drama and History Clubs.
- 29. They put together an impressive musical about Paul Revere...
- 30. entitled Light Your Own Lamps.
- 31. Is there a dance number?
- 32. Nothing better than
a couple of skimpily clad undergraduates...
- 33. just hurling themselves across the stage, I always say.
- 34. Get me another highball.
- 35. Right away, Governor.
- 36. Will you stop?
Stop it! Cut it out!
- 37. Just don't eyeball everyone like that.
- 38. All you're doing is
creeping everyone out.
- 39. Sorry, Governor.
- 40. Sven, you know
these security types...
- 41. everyone a glory hound,
I always say.
- 42. They're all just waiting to tackle the next Sirhan Sirhan.
- 43. I mean, I ask you...
- 44. can you imagine anyone wanting to attack me,
for Christ's sake?
- 45. Freeze!
- 46. What are you doing?
- 47. You looking at naked guys in the shower again?
- 48. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to point guns at people?
- 49. Once. I shot him.
- 50. Mmm.
- 51. Nice sneakers.
- 52. Oh, I went to look
for you in your room,
- 53. and Ronnie told me
I could find you up here.
- 54. What gives?
- 55. I wanted to finish
that paper on supernovas...
- 56. and John Slas said that
I could use his telescope...
- 57. before he went home for break.
- 58. What do you need his for?
You got your own.
- 59. No, I got the lenses, T.S.,
but I need Slas' shaft.
- 60. Oh.
- 61. You need Slas' shaft, huh?
- 62. You insatiable slut!
- 63. "We're all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking at the stars."
- 64. Oscar Wilde.
- 65. I thought that
you'd be down there
- 66. trying to secure the best seat in the house.
- 67. This might be the first and last time
you ever see your boyfriend on stage...
- 68. especially in a musical.
- 69. So I'd like you to be down there front row, up center.
- 70. I'm gonna watch you
from up here.
- 71. With that thing?
You'll never see me.
- 72. Are you kidding?
- 73. Do you have any idea
how powerful this thing is?
- 74. I'll be able to see the flop sweat form on your brow.
- 75. Yeah, but you won't
be able to hear me sing.
- 76. Bingo.
- 77. Strident.
- 78. I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson
about being demure for your man.
- 79. In fact...
- 80. that's it.
I'm having sex with you right here, right now.
- 81. What are you doing?
- 82. Let's go, come on. Pull them down.
- 83. Would you get off me? I've got work to do.
Oh, I don't mind.
- 84. I'll just let you finish
your star gazing.
- 85. I'll take you from behind here.
- 86. It'll be great practice
for when we get older,
- 87. and you watch TV
while we screw.
- 88. Will you get off me?
- 89. All right.
- 90. For now.
- 91. But when
we get to Florida in...
- 92. about approximately
17 hours, you owe me.
- 93. About that...
- 94. Yes?
- 95. Well, I can't go.
- 96. Excuse me?
- 97. My dad's asked me to help him with his new show.
- 98. What, like his assistant or...
- 99. As a contestant.
- 100. You mean that
Dating Game rip-off thing?
- 101. That is what you're talking about here, right?
- 102. Geez!
- 103. That guy knows no shame.
- 104. What, so he forbid you to go to Florida
when you said no, is that it?
- 105. I can't believe...
- 106. Brandi?
- 107. You didn't say no?
- 108. T.S., it's no big deal.
I mean, it's just TV.
- 109. Besides, it is really important for my father's career.
- 110. Otherwise, he would never have asked me.
- 111. Brandi, the guy hates me,
for Christ's sake.
- 112. Don't you think that might be
a little part of the motive here?
- 113. He'd love to see us break up.
- 114. He'd love for us not to go on that vacation,
that's for sure.
- 115. What did you think,
for Christ's sake?
- 116. Jesus! You know,
for a science major,
- 117. you can be really
fucking stupid sometimes.
- 118. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, T.S.
- 119. I thought that you might be able to
handle this like an adult...
- 120. and show my father how wrong he is about our relationship.
- 121. Well, I guess I credited you with too much.
- 122. You are just as thoughtless
and possessive as he is.
- 123. You both see me as property.
- 124. In fact, the two of you have so much in common...
- 125. you should just go
date each other.
- 126. Brandi, wait!
- 127. Just leave me alone.
- 128. Ow!
Oh, no. The gun's caught in your hair.
- 129. Would you get it out?
- 130. Oh, Mr. Svenning...
- 131. Jesus Christ!
Don't kill me!
- 132. Oh, no! Shh.
For God's sake!
- 133. He's with me.
- 134. Oh, God!
He's one of my people. It's okay.
- 135. We'll be ready in five,
- 136. Go, it's okay.
- 137. No, your hair's caught around the trigger here.
- 138. Would you just get it off?
- 139. The presentation will begin in about five minutes, Governor.
- 140. Mmm-mmm.
- 141. Why not freshen up a bit?
- 142. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- 143. That I look like a piece of shit or something?
- 144. Maybe we can jar it loose.
- 145. Here, come over here to the right.
- 146. Here, lean over here.
- 147. Come over here, okay? All right? Ready?
- 148. Sniper!
- 149. Oh, shit!
- 150. How many are there?
- 151. I spotted two,
a male and a female.
- 152. What kind of artillery?
- 153. Perps were using a shotgun.
- 154. Was the Governor hit?
- 155. Of course I'm hit, you asshole.
- 156. You hit me like
some goddamn wrestler.
- 157. There's no blood.
She wasn't attacked.
- 158. Get your foot off my tit!
- 159. Oh, sorry, ma'am.
- 160. Mr. Svenning, I quit!
- 161. Hey, I think they're trying to signal us.
- 162. It's okay, we're not armed.
- 163. This is just a prop.
I'm in the musical.
- 164. It's just a blank.
It wasn't serious.
- 165. What did he say?
I think he said they were Syrians.
- 166. Sweet Christ,
terrorists on our campus?
- 167. Why is he dressed like a Revolutionary War minuteman?
- 168. For irony!
Your average terrorist's a showman first, killer second.
- 169. My God! It's a member
of the History Club.
- 170. I blame the parents.
It's the parents at blame.
- 171. They are not raising their children properly these days.
- 172. Is Jared Svenning
- 173. That's you, isn't it?
- 174. Uh, no. Well, yes...
- 175. but, I mean, how would a terrorist know me?
- 176. Daddy? It's me, Brandi.
- 177. That explains it.
- 178. Governor, please.
- 179. I want to apologize
for this fiasco.
- 180. My daughter is a huge
fan of your work.
- 181. Svenning.
- 182. Your check.
- 183. Oh.
- 184. Oh, I don't know what to say, but thank you.
- 185. You want money
for your pissant station.
- 186. Just try playing the lottery.
- 187. No!
- 188. You know where
they air those results.
- 189. Oh!
- 190. Get me to
the goddamned hospital.
- 191. Now!
- 192. God damn,
I fractured my collarbone.
- 193. Mr. Svenning, look,
I want to apologize.
- 194. Thank you for squaring everything with the police.
- 195. I know we probably worried you,
- 196. but Brandi and I are both okay. We—
- 197. If it wouldn't mean implicating my daughter
in this somehow...
- 198. I would insist that the authorities lock you up...
- 199. for the rest of your young life,
you goddamned little menace!
- 200. Sir, it was an accident,
- 201. No, you're the accident,
- 202. You have no idea what you just cost me here today. Mmm!
- 203. I mean, you're like
all the other spoiled jerks
- 204. I've ever known
in my whole life!
- 205. Everything is handed to you
on a silver platter.
- 206. You people, you just don't grasp the precept...
- 207. of somebody who has to work for their breaks.
- 208. That's "concept."
- 209. Oh, you said "precept,"
I think you meant to say...
- 210. "concept."
Listen to me, you little prick, you.
- 211. You may have
my daughter snowed...
- 212. but it'll be a cold day in hell
before you pull the wool over my eyes.
- 213. What you just did to me
- 214. I'm going to make it
my mission in life...
- 215. to do to you
on a regular basis.
- 216. Mmm!
- 217. Nobody fucks with
Jared Svenning's career...
- 218. and walks away clean, huh!
- 219. I promise you that.
- 220. Hey man, I just want to tell you that
I really dug what you did up there.
- 221. Anarchy rules, dude!
- 222. We're over, T.S.
Oh, come on!
- 223. I thought we weren't going through this break-up,
make-up shit anymore.
- 224. No, we're not.
So you can just forget about making up.
- 225. Listen to you. Why don't you just admit it?
- 226. That this isn't about just what happened
on the roof.
- 227. You're using that as an excuse
'cause you don't have the guts...
- 228. to stand up to your father.
Maybe I don't.
- 229. Come on, Brandi.
What about Florida?
- 230. You have just humiliated me in front of the entire school...
- 231. the community, the nation,
for God's sakes.
- 232. You seriously damaged
my father's career...
- 233. you insult me with that
good-cop bad-cop routine...
- 234. and now you have the gall
to ask me if I still want to go on vacation.
- 235. I was going to propose
to you in Florida.
- 236. I thought that you'd screwed up
in every way possible tonight, T.S.
- 237. Guess I underestimated you.
- 238. Shit!
- 239. Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?
- 240. God!
- 241. What time is it?
- 242. 9:30.
- 243. Man, go back to sleep!
- 244. Thank Christ.
- 245. What the hell are you doing?
- 246. Finishing my game.
- 247. No. You promised me breakfast.
- 248. Breakfast!
- 249. Breakfast, shmeckfast.
Look at the score, for God's sake.
- 250. I'm only in the middle of the second
and I'm winning 12 to 2.
- 251. Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
- 252. Now Hartford, the Whale?
- 253. They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.
- 254. You hit the bathroom already?
- 255. Don't worry. I didn't
let your mother see me.
- 256. Who's worried?
Are you kidding me?
- 257. I've never met a person
who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do.
- 258. I do not.
- 259. So that's why I have
to sneak in here...
- 260. after everyone's
asleep at night
- 261. and sneak out undetected
in the morning?
- 262. You want I should tell my mother
what we do in here at night?
- 263. That you play videogames
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?
- 264. Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.
- 265. What can I say?
She doesn't like you.
- 266. You've never even introduced me to her, Brodie.
- 267. She wouldn't like you.
- 268. You're retarded.
Everybody's mother likes me.
- 269. Not mine.
- 270. Jesus Christ!
Are you back in the bathroom again?
- 271. What do you do in there all the time?
- 272. Figure it out.
- 273. No, I mean like before.
Like every morning before you leave...
- 274. you're in there for
like a half an hour
- 275. and all I ever hear
is water running.
- 276. And?
- 277. You're not in there touching yourself, are you?
- 278. I was wrong about you.
You're crass and retarded.
- 279. What do you do in there?
- 280. You really want to know?
- 281. I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
- 282. I cry.
- 283. You cry?
- 284. Any particular reason?
- 285. Hey!
- 286. I think about the people
that make decisions that affect our lives.
- 287. The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.
- 288. The engineer that
- 289. The guy that maps out
a plane's flight path.
- 290. The navigator.
- 291. I think about how those people are out there every day...
- 292. making a difference,
leading big lives...
- 293. and how they refuse to be intimidated
- 294. by the tremendous odds
of failure they face.
- 295. And how they only
- 296. with peers and company
- 297. to their goals
and noble causes.
- 298. Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about
when I'm in the bathroom.
- 299. I think about
all that and I cry...
- 300. because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.
- 301. You're dumping me?
- 302. What are you, crazy?
- 303. Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?
- 304. Holy shit!
If it isn't mon frère.
- 305. Last time I saw you,
- 306. you were on CNN taking shots at public officials.
- 307. Mr. Quint.
- 308. Move!
- 309. So you're looking
- 310. It's been like this
- 311. Can you blame them
after the spectacle you made of yourself?
- 312. What were you trying to do, anyway?
Impress Jodie Foster?
- 313. I wasn't gunning
for the Governor, Brodie.
- 314. It was a stupid
- 315. Ah. Now you're crying patsy...
- 316. thus demonstrating all
the key characteristics...
- 317. of a lone nut assassin.
- 318. Usual vault rules apply:
touch not, lest ye be touched.
- 319. You're such an
- 320. Hey, I tried to teach you
how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no...
- 321. you wanted to play
Little League instead.
- 322. What's that?
- 323. Like it? I framed it
before you got here.
- 324. Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you!
- 325. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
- 326. What's that mean?
You had to be there. Just keep reading.
- 327. Wow! Look at this
laundry list of complaints.
- 328. You have no direction,
no college ambition, no job prospects.
- 329. Yeah. It also says
I have no dick.
- 330. But you'll notice that follows the financial question,
proving once more...
- 331. what women really look for.
- 332. What do you do
for money, anyway?
- 333. Blood bank, sperm bank,
currently considering the eye bank.
- 334. Wow, she calls
you callow in here.
- 335. You say that like it's bad.
- 336. It means frightened and weak-willed.
- 337. Shit. That was the only part of the letter
I thought was complimentary.
- 338. Yeah, well, you're lucky.
- 339. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter
filled with obscure adjectives.
- 340. What are you telling me here?
- 341. I, too, now am in
the framing business.
- 342. Holy shit!
Brandi dumped you.
- 343. Wait a second,
aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?
- 344. Should've left this morning.
Oh, it gets worse.
- 345. I was gonna propose to her.
- 346. On the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
- 347. When Jaws
pops out of the water.
- 348. That's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard.
- 349. Too bad I'm not
trying to marry you.
- 350. Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?
- 351. Why do you ask?
- 352. I never farted in front of Rene,
not once, all right?
- 353. Then last week I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.
- 354. You think that that's
why Rene dumped you?
- 355. She's not the shallow type, Brodie.
- 356. She was going down
on me at the time.
- 357. Shut up!
What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed.
- 358. When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
- 359. If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
- 360. I can't believe this shit.
- 361. Why are we sitting here
trying to figure out...
- 362. where we went wrong
with our significant others?
- 363. We just nailed it,
in your case.
- 364. No, there is something out there
that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.
- 365. Ritual suicide?
- 366. No, you idiot.
The fucking mall!
- 367. I prefer ritual suicide.
- 368. Oh, come on, man!
It'll be great.
- 369. They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand.
- 370. You have to try them,
- 371. You think the promise of a cookie is gonna lure me...
- 372. into doing something
I have zero interest in?
- 373. What am I, 5 years old?
- 374. Quint, don't be such a pussy, all right?
- 375. All right, I'll tell you what.
- 376. We can stop off at Brandi's
if that'll make you feel better.
- 377. You can talk to her,
maybe patch this thing up.
- 378. Oh, Mr. Quint, I'm Fred Bishop with NBC.
- 379. The network would like to buy the rights to your story...
- 380. to make a tasteful telepic.
- 381. Mr. Quint,
Tom Drucker, CBS.
- 382. We'll pay more money and we'll get Drew Barrymore
to play your girlfriend.
- 383. Hey, back off.
- 384. We can stop at Brandi's, right?
- 385. Get dressed.
- 386. Jazzercise?
Why does your mother have an aerobics tape in her car?
- 387. We lose them?
- 388. Not a news van in sight.
- 389. Damn, anyone ever tell you
you drive like the Bandit?
- 390. Oh, shit!
So much for seeing Brandi.
- 391. Just ignore them
and go in.
- 392. You kidding?
That's Hard Edition. That's tabloid TV.
- 393. They see me here
and it's "Suburban Bonnie and Clyde reunite...
- 394. "to slay father
in his own home."
- 395. Man, I don't know
what you're crying about.
- 396. I'd cut one of my nuts
in half to be on TV.
- 397. That'd get you on this show.
- 398. All right, tell you what.
You go round the back...
- 399. I'll run interference
with the fourth estate.
- 400. You got my back?
Your back is got.
- 401. All right.
- 402. So what's this all about?
- 403. I'm Tori Metzger
from Hard Edition.
- 404. We're hoping to get an interview with Brandi Svenning.
- 405. Yeah, that's the girl who took a shot at the Governor.
- 406. The same.
Do you know her?
- 407. Oh, I should say so.
I've lived next door to her for 19 years.
- 408. Even dated her once.
- 409. Shit, the stories I could tell you!
- 410. Satanic rituals?
Oh, all the time.
- 411. I remember coming over
for Christmas one year...
- 412. and they were celebrating
a black mass.
- 413. Her father had sex with a goat right there in the den.
- 414. And nobody ever reported this to the authorities?
- 415. Everyone around here
is paralyzed by fear.
- 416. Makes for shitty block parties.
- 417. Could we possibly
go onto your property...
- 418. and get you on tape with their backyard behind you?
- 419. You want to put me on TV?
- 420. Shit, I'll take you
to their property
- 421. if you're gonna put me
on TV. Come on!
- 422. I was thinking of calling you.
- 423. Has your dad calmed down any?
- 424. Well, until this morning.
- 425. He read an article today
comparing him to the father of James Earl Ray.
- 426. Can't you explain it to him?
You know it was an accident.
- 427. I know it wasn't planned.
- 428. But "accident"
is too light a term
- 429. to describe what happened, T.S.
- 430. Whatever. Can't we
just forget about it?
- 431. Look, we already
- 432. We could be spending
this time alone together.
- 433. Away from our friends, school, studies, everything.
- 434. Don't you want to spend some time alone with me?
- 435. Just to talk.
- 436. Perhaps.
- 437. Or perhaps more than talk.
- 438. Oh. Oh, oh.
- 439. Absolutely.
I'm always one for active non-talking.
- 440. Mmm-hmm.
- 441. Why don't you go get
a pizza with me tonight?
- 442. I've got the game show tonight.
- 443. This is Svenning's bedroom.
- 444. Now, I must warn you.
- 445. The images that you capture,
whatever is going on in that room...
- 446. may be ungodly and horrific.
- 447. Take a look.
- 448. I can't believe that you're still going through with this.
- 449. Come on, T.S.,
it's no big deal.
- 450. I mean, it's not like
I'm going to sleep with them.
- 451. You might as well.
- 452. I thought you had
more backbone than this.
- 453. Why do you have to do everything that he tells you to do?
- 454. There you go again.
- 455. Just as you're making headway,
you louse it up with this...
- 456. possessive machismo
which brings everything endearing about you...
- 457. to a screaming halt, T.S.
- 458. What are you doing out here?
Who are you people?
- 459. What are you doing on my property, huh?
Get out of here!
- 460. How do you answer
to your neighbor's charges
- 461. that you practice
- 462. Satanic what?
- 463. Daddy, what are you doing
outside in a towel?
- 464. You did this, didn't you?
- 465. You trashed my fiscal year...
- 466. and now, you and your crony here egg these media vultures...
- 467. into thinking they can...
- 468. Daddy, T.S. had nothing
to do with—
- 469. Mr. Svenning, look.
Whatever happened, I assure you, I didn't—
- 470. You get your ass off
my property now! Go!
- 471. And you people, you get the hell out of here
before I call the cops!
- 472. Me, too?
- 473. I don't know what
he's so mad about.
- 474. They'll digitally erase his organ when they air the footage.
- 475. Goddamn it!
What is my problem?
- 476. I was this close to reconciliation and I blew up at her.
- 477. And here I'm going to the fucking mall, of all places.
- 478. You know what, as a matter of fact, I'm not. I'm going home.
- 479. Look, the safest place for you to be right now
is at the mall.
- 480. No press'll think to look for you here.
Hide in plain sight.
- 481. Just shut up!
- 482. You know what, this is all your fault this happened anyway.
- 483. You and your
15 minutes of fame.
- 484. Get a grip, for God's sake.
- 485. Did you ever stop to think...
- 486. that maybe the relationship wasn't on firm ground
to begin with?
- 487. Hey!
- 488. You know, it couldn't have been that strong
if she breaks up with you...
- 489. over something stupid like getting her shot at, numbskull.
- 490. Hey.
- 491. I love the smell of
commerce in the morning!
- 492. You're really making that last.
- 493. Waste not, want not.
- 494. What, you want
to say something?
- 495. Yeah, about a million things...
- 496. but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough
for you to understand them all.
- 497. Asshole!
- 498. Fuck you!
What the hell was that all about?
- 499. He's a jerk from
- 500. this upscale wannabe
shop on the 2nd floor.
- 501. He's the manager.
The guy's always giving me shit.
- 502. I've no idea why.
- 503. I thought everybody
loved you at this mall.
- 504. "F" him! Where do
you want to go first?
- 505. Back to Brandi's.
- 506. Look, Brandi is the past,
- 507. She's behind you now.
- 508. You face forward,
or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
- 509. You should learn
to heed your own advice.
- 510. Where the hell did that come from?
What's going on here?
- 511. It looks like a stage
is being erected.
- 512. What is this monstrosity?
- 513. Maybe it's for
the Easter Bunny pictures.
- 514. Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is down
at the other end of the mall.
- 515. It's been up since two days after Christmas.
I want answers.
- 516. Ask one of the workers.
- 517. No, there's a soul
who might know what's up.
- 518. Willam.
- 519. Willam!
- 520. Brodie, man, what's going on?
- 521. What, do you work here now?
- 522. No, man.
Just hanging with T.S.
- 523. T.S., I saw you on TV.
I think it was on Baywatch.
- 524. CNN, Willam.
- 525. Oh yeah, didn't you kill the Pope or something?
- 526. I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.
- 527. Oh.
- 528. What are you doing, Willam?
- 529. Looking for the hidden picture.
- 530. If you stare at these things long enough,
you're supposed to see...
- 531. some kind of hidden
- 532. Oh, yeah, look.
It's a sailboat.
- 533. You saw it, too?
- 534. What?
I've been staring at this thing...
- 535. for a week now from opening till closing
- 536. and I can't see
a goddamned thing!
- 537. You gotta relax your eyes.
- 538. Everyone sees
this thing except me.
- 539. Today's my day.
I brought a lunch and a soda...
- 540. and I'm not gonna leave
until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.
- 541. So, Willam...
- 542. would you happen to know
what this stage business is all about?
- 543. It's not a stage!
- 544. I'm gonna see it if I
have to go blind trying.
- 545. No man, this stage over here.
- 546. Oh, that thing?
I think some game show in the mall today.
- 547. I think it's going to be on TV.
- 548. It's called Truth or Date or something.
- 549. Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show.
- 550. What is it?
It's this cheesy Dating Game rip-off thing.
- 551. Supposed to be
for college kids.
- 552. Just trying to capture
the '90s youth market
- 553. with a staple
of '70s television.
- 554. Why can't they bring back
or remake good shows...
- 555. like BJ and the Bear?
- 556. Now there's a concept I can't get enough of:
a man and his monkey.
- 557. Would you guys shut up?
- 558. You're breaking my concentration.
- 559. Now I have to start
all over again.
- 560. Good luck with that thing.
- 561. Remember, relax your eyes.
- 562. Wow, a sailboat!
- 563. Shut up!
- 564. Could this week get any worse?
- 565. Now she's going to be auctioned off on live TV from a mall.
- 566. Not "a" mall, all right?
- 567. "The" mall.
Show some respect.
- 568. It doesn't have to go down like that,
if we trash the thing.
- 569. There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces,
- 570. by ruining her father's show.
- 571. You're a clever one.
I can get someone to do it for us.
- 572. We'll be blame-free and Brandi won't be able to do the show.
- 573. Who is this imaginary
- 574. Hatchet men.
- 575. Knock it off!
- 576. Kitty, kitty, kitty!
- 577. Look at these two.
$10 says they're trying to figure out...
- 578. which one they're gonna
bury up to its neck
- 579. and run over with a lawn mower.
- 580. Kitty, kitty, kitty!
- 581. Brodie, man!
- 582. And, holy shit,
what do we have here?
- 583. Mr. America's
Most Wanted himself.
- 584. I had a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair.
- 585. Ex-girlfriend.
What's he doing?
- 586. Oh, shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week...
- 587. and ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.
- 588. Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts.
- 589. Knock it off!
- 590. The Force is strong
with this one.
- 591. Dude, don't encourage him.
- 592. So I was telling T.S. here we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.
- 593. If there's anyone
that can help us out...
- 594. it's the two guys that have even less to do than us.
- 595. What is this shit?
Everyone's looking for us today.
- 596. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk
- 597. to Obi-Wan about
her video set-up.
- 598. Why him?
Silent Bob's an electrical genius.
- 599. He won the science fair
in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator...
- 600. into a CD player, using chicken wire and shit.
- 601. Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver!
- 602. Knock it off!
- 603. And it's that kind of smarts we need, right, mopey?
- 604. Leave me out of this.
- 605. We need you to embark
on a little sabotage mission
- 606. on behalf of T.S.'s love life.
- 607. You know about this game show thing
they've got going on here?
- 608. We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
- 609. Is that it?
We were gonna do that anyway.
- 610. Really? Why?
What else are we gonna do?
- 611. Silent Bob just stole the schematic of the stage
from some foolish carpenter...
- 612. and found a weakness, just like the fucking Death Star.
- 613. He figures if you pull
this crossbeam out...
- 614. fucking bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
- 615. We were thinking
about something simple...
- 616. but if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
- 617. Only problem is LaFours.
- 618. Who's LaFours?
- 619. You don't know who LaFours is?
- 620. They don't know who LaFours is!
- 621. He's only the most feared security guard
in the business, man.
- 622. 460 collars, all convicted.
- 623. I hear he's even got two kills.
- 624. Holy shit! I never thought
I'd see the day...
- 625. when two such highly reputable mischief-makers
- 626. douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard.
- 627. Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out that stage
like a high-school kegger.
- 628. We're just gonna outwit
LaFours, X-Men style.
- 629. Should I call you Logan,
- 630. No, Wolverine!
Snicky, snicky, snoine.
- 631. What he's doing is imitating
Wolverine's berserker attack with his Adamantium claws.
- 632. I never would have guessed.
- 633. All right, guys.
You have your mission...
- 634. go forth and wreak havoc.
- 635. Bye, baby kitties.
- 636. Damn, Silent Bob,
show some heart.
- 637. Pss, pss...
- 638. That's better.
We're on the job.
- 639. Thanks.
- 640. I have to admit
I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.
- 641. I would if I actually thought for a second
they could pull it off.
- 642. Oh, ye of little faith,
want a cookie?
- 643. What's he doing?
- 644. If you stare at this poster for a few seconds,
a hidden picture appears.
- 645. Can we do it?
- 646. Go ahead, but hurry,
the Easter Bunny's waiting.
- 647. Wow, it's a schooner!
- 648. You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.
- 649. A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead.
- 650. You know what?
- 651. There is no Easter Bunny!
- 652. Over there is just
a guy in a suit!
- 653. But they're engaged.
It doesn't matter, it can't happen.
- 654. Why not?
It's bound to come up.
- 655. It's impossible.
Lois could never have Superman's baby.
- 656. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm?
- 657. I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun,
right through her back.
- 658. What about her womb?
- 659. Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
- 660. Sure. Why not?
- 661. He's an alien,
for Christ's sake!
- 662. His Kryptonian
- 663. is enhanced by
Earth's yellow sun.
- 664. If Lois gets a tan,
the kid could kick right through her stomach.
- 665. Only someone like Wonder Woman
has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid.
- 666. The only way he could bang regular chicks
is with a Kryptonite condom.
- 667. But that would kill him.
- 668. How did I go
from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi...
- 669. to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
- 670. Cookie stand is not
part of the food court.
- 671. Of course it is.
- 672. The food court is downstairs,
the cookie stand is upstairs.
- 673. It's not like we're talking
quantum physics here.
- 674. The cookie stand
counts as an eatery,
- 675. the eatery's a part
of the food court.
- 676. Bullshit. Eateries that operate
within the designated square downstairs...
- 677. qualify as food court.
- 678. Anything outside of said
- 679. is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
- 680. Now if you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject...
- 681. Holy shit!
- 682. Wait here.
Where are you going?
- 683. Cherchez la femme.
- 684. He said it was
just a guy in a suit.
- 685. Don't listen to that man,
he just said it to be mean.
- 686. That would look
terrible on you.
- 687. Didn't I dump your ass
- 688. Look, I know you've had
some time to think about the mistake you've made...
- 689. and I just want to let you know you don't have to apologize.
- 690. I'm sure you were just
PMSing or something.
- 691. Brodie, what kills me about you
is your inability to function...
- 692. on the same plane of existence as the rest of us.
- 693. Piss off.
- 694. Okay. I see you want to continue
with this charade of ending our union.
- 695. Fine, I'll play along.
- 696. But if we're divorced,
we're gonna have to divide our mutual possessions.
- 697. What the hell
are you talking about?
- 698. You have my
Punisher War Journal #6...
- 699. my copy of Fletch and the remote control to my TV.
- 700. I know it's gonna be hard
to give this stuff up
- 701. because of its
- 702. Sentimental attachment?
- 703. If I have any of that crap...
- 704. it's because you brought it over to my house
and left it there.
- 705. Okay, then let's
talk about coming up
- 706. with a schedule
for visitation rights.
- 707. For what?
For the mall.
- 708. I figure you can
have the odd days,
- 709. I'll take the even days
- 710. When there's any
- 711. like a sidewalk sale,
- 712. Brodie!
- 713. I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.
- 714. On your birthday,
when you asked me to do a striptease...
- 715. to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay.
- 716. When we were at that hotel, prom night...
- 717. and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed...
- 718. in case your mother
burst in, I did it.
- 719. And even when we were
at my grandmother's funeral...
- 720. when you told most
of my relatives...
- 721. that you could see her nipples through her burial dress,
- 722. I let it slide.
- 723. If you think that I'm gonna suffer
any more of your shit with a smile...
- 724. now that we're broken up,
you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.
- 725. It wasn't Mighty Mouse.
It was Josie and the Pussycats.
- 726. What?
- 727. Sorry.
- 728. First, you take a run at LaFours
with a sock full of quarters.
- 729. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humping your mom last night. Nudge.
- 730. You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold.
- 731. That's when phase two kicks in.
- 732. I attack the structure
- 733. and knock out
the fucking pin...
- 734. and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.
- 735. T.S.: What? Do you know
that kid or something?
- 736. I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.
- 737. T.S.: What is with you today?
- 738. Don't get me wrong.
I don't wish the kid harm...
- 739. but his mother should suffer
that horrific ordeal...
- 740. so she'll learn how
to manage her child.
- 741. That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
- 742. There's not a year goes by
that I don't read about an escalator accident...
- 743. involving some bastard kid
that could've been easily avoided...
- 744. had some parent,
I don't care which one,
- 745. but some parent,
- 746. to fear and respect
- 747. Wow! Look who it is.
- 748. Jerk!
- 749. Little Tricia Jones!
- 750. What's a pretty
girl like you...
- 751. doing sitting alone
in the middle of this monument to consumerism?
- 752. Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.
- 753. And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual.
- 754. On the contrary,
I'm here for comics.
- 755. T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.
- 756. Nobody calls me that.
- 757. Our little Tricia here is only 15 but, uh,
somehow she's a senior.
- 758. How'd you manage that?
- 759. Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
- 760. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what?
- 761. Jesus, Brodie!
- 762. Calm down.
- 763. Tricia's compiling data
for this book she's writing...
- 764. about the sex drive
of men ages 14 to 30.
- 765. If I remember correctly,
it's titled Bore-
- 766. A Study of the '90s
Male's Sexual Prowess.
- 767. Ready to get sick?
Tell him about the advance you got.
- 768. Pendant Publishing
gave me $20,000
- 769. based on a treatment
and a sample chapter.
- 770. You're kidding.
- 771. She'll be the youngest author
to tackle the subject.
- 772. So when are they going
to publish this filthy little tome of yours?
- 773. After my 18th birthday,
to avoid the moral and legal entanglements.
- 774. So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys as research.
- 775. If that's not enough, get this:
- 776. She videotapes all of them.
- 777. I get everybody's consent
before we do it.
- 778. Most guys get off on it.
- 779. Men are easily amused.
- 780. What are you writing in the calendar?
- 781. I was coding
last night's research.
- 782. She means sex.
I know what she meant.
- 783. What kind of codes?
- 784. The smiley face is for when I go down on the guy.
- 785. The smiley face with lashes is for
when the guy goes down on me.
- 786. The circle is for
when we have sex.
- 787. The circle with the "X" in it
is for when I have an orgasm.
- 788. The little house is
when we do it inside
- 789. and the grass is for outside.
- 790. That kid is back on
the escalator again!
- 791. Wow, that's a pretty
elaborate log you got there.
- 792. Wow, look at all those smiley faces without eyelashes.
- 793. That shows you how
courteous men are.
- 794. Out of 50 entries, only two have smiley faces with lashes.
- 795. You slept with 50 guys?
- 796. To fill out my research, yes.
- 797. That's more guys than you've slept with, dude.
- 798. Oh, my God. That kid is sitting on the escalator again!
- 799. How old was last night's subject,
if you don't mind me asking?
- 800. Twenty-five.
- 801. It was the guy who runs
that store Fashionable Male.
- 802. Holy shit! You slept
with that asshole? Why?
- 803. I needed a 25-year-old.
- 804. And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add.
- 805. Ew, he mentioned me during sex?
- 806. Afterwards.
- 807. He says he wants
to kick your ass.
- 808. I'd steer clear of him,
if I were you.
- 809. Tell me you videotaped him saying that.
- 810. I shut the camera off
after the sex.
- 811. You should have heard the stuff he wanted to do.
- 812. I'm having
a hard time with this.
- 813. Do your parents
know about this?
- 814. Of course.
- 815. That's remarkable.
- 816. That's criminal.
- 817. That kid is back on
the escalator again!
- 818. Leave it alone.
- 819. So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning
in some theme park.
- 820. When are men going to learn
that women want romance?
- 821. Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
- 822. Be fair, all right?
- 823. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.
- 824. Remember my offer.
- 825. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs...
- 826. Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy.
- 827. Good luck with
the comic-book store.
- 828. "Sega-boy." God,
Rene's got a big mouth!
- 829. What does that mean,
"Good luck with the comic-book store"?
- 830. How does that junior Masters and Johnson
know about my proposal?
- 831. It's not like she's in an exclusive club or anything.
- 832. What are you talking about?
- 833. Sean Hartle's giving
everyone the inside scoop.
- 834. What? What's he saying?
- 835. How her father made
her do the game show
- 836. so you couldn't
take her to Florida.
- 837. Now, what the hell
is this shit?
- 838. One hour? For what?
- 839. What the hell is this?
What's going on here?
- 840. What, you live in a fucking cave?
The man is in there.
- 841. How'd Sean find this out?
- 842. He was interning at KREL and he said he heard Svenning...
- 843. barking at Brandi
over the phone about it.
- 844. Apparently he had a feeling you were gonna pop the question.
- 845. Who the fuck is the man?
- 846. What, you waited till now
to tell me this?
- 847. If you're gonna bother me
about this for the rest of the day...
- 848. I'll go home!
You dragged me here!
- 849. You needed this.
Who the fuck is in there?
- 850. One side, Red.
- 851. What the hell's going on here?
- 852. I was warned about you.
- 853. Take it easy before I have you removed—
- 854. What the fuck
are you talking about?
- 855. Tell him, Steve.
- 856. Fuck you, fan-boy!
- 857. Would you testosterone-seething, He-Man comic book fans...
- 858. finish up with this tough-guy back-and-forth?
- 859. I got some questions
I need answered.
- 860. Who's in there?
- 861. You got to ask me nicely.
- 862. Fuck this.
- 863. Jesus Christ!
- 864. Get the hell off of him.
- 865. You fuckers think
just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
- 866. I'll fucking
take all of you on!
- 867. Somebody get a medic!
- 868. There's a little boy
caught in the escalator!
- 869. Come back here
and arrest this goon!
- 870. You're fucking next, man.
- 871. I'm not going anywhere
until I find out why I can't get my comics.
- 872. All right.
- 873. Excuse me.
Don't hit me.
- 874. Why is there a line?
- 875. Stan Lee is signing comics.
- 876. Stan Lee?
- 877. Okay, Lunchbox,
let's try this again.
- 878. We tie you to the roof,
you jump and sail like a Spitfire...
- 879. passing right over
the arch-nemesis LaFours.
- 880. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin.
- 881. And when that's gone,
the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl.
- 882. You got it? Now, get your fat ass out there!
- 883. And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.
- 884. Fly, fat-ass, fly!
- 885. What the fuck?
- 886. You fucker!
- 887. Security?
Is it alive?
- 888. Yeah.
This is Popular Girl.
- 889. We just had something
crash through the wall.
- 890. Stan Lee! How does something as big as the creator...
- 891. of the most important titles in comics history...
coming to my mall get by me?
- 892. I must be slipping
in my old age.
- 893. The name amongst names.
- 894. There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.
- 895. Her father!
- 896. I knew this game show thing
was just a beard for an attempt to break us up.
- 897. Why can't he just
leave us alone
- 898. and let us follow through
with our plans?
- 899. What kind of man
are you, anyway?
- 900. I'm talking comics and you bring up chicks and romance?
- 901. While we're on the subject,
why the hell do you want to get married now, anyway?
- 902. You're still in college.
- 903. I was just gonna propose.
- 904. The wedding wouldn't be
till after we graduate.
- 905. Waste of time, if you ask me.
- 906. My grandmother always said,
"Why buy the cow...
- 907. "when you get
the sex for free?"
- 908. She did?
All the time.
- 909. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday,
- 910. but that's beside the point.
- 911. Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry?
- 912. Is he gone?
Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
- 913. Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog.
- 914. What's with
all the running?
- 915. What the hell happened to him?
- 916. The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.
- 917. We'll have to take a pass
on the stage-trashing business...
- 918. otherwise he's liable
to kill himself.
- 919. Sorry, bro.
Oh, no hard feelings.
- 920. Isn't that Rene?
- 921. She's probably
looking for me.
- 922. I better go talk to her.
- 923. Keep that.
- 924. I don't know.
She's with somebody.
- 925. She's practically blowing him.
- 926. Wait a minute, isn't that...
- 927. The asshole
from Fashionable Male!
- 928. Son of a bitch!
- 929. T.S.: My God!
You think that they're...
- 930. Could be.
It'll explain why he hates me so much.
- 931. And there's only
one way to find out.
- 932. Can you run interference
with the lug?
- 933. What are you gonna do?
Get some answers.
- 934. Shit!
- 935. Oh, you work at the Fashionable Male, don't you?
- 936. Yeah? So?
- 937. That's a great store
you got there.
- 938. Uh, thanks. Listen,
- 939. I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend here.
- 940. So why don't you beat it?
- 941. Oh, that's your girlfriend?
- 942. If you don't stop gawking at me
- 943. and get the hell out of here,
I'll kick your ass.
- 944. Haven't you ever
heard the phrase,
- 945. "The customer's always right"?
- 946. Let me tell you
a little secret:
- 947. The customer's
always an asshole!
- 948. Jesus Christ!
- 949. What the hell gives
with the cover boy?
- 950. None of your damn business.
He'd kick your ass if he knew about this.
- 951. Are you insane?
The guy looks like a date rapist!
- 952. Is that my jacket?
Start the elevator.
- 953. Not until you tell me
what the situation is
- 954. with you and
the Sperminator out there.
- 955. How long has this
been going on?
- 956. Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing.
- 957. He's a much more suitable companion than you, any day.
- 958. Are you nuts?
- 959. The guy's pure testosterone!
He's a walking hard-on, looking for a hole!
- 960. I need testosterone
after babysitting you and your comic book collection.
- 961. I forgot what
real men were like.
- 962. I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall
and pick up guys!
- 963. Oh, no,
Shannon did the picking up.
- 964. He's already taken me to lunch
at the Cheese Haus...
- 965. purchased tickets for the opera night
and took me to stores I like!
- 966. I took you shopping
all the time!
- 967. You took me where you
went shopping, jerk!
- 968. Do you think I care
what rat-hole store
- 969. in that shit-pit you
call the dirt mall...
- 970. has got the latest
- 971. You call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria
every night eating out?
- 972. Do I give a shit when two major comic labels
are crossing over characters...
- 973. and selling two editions of the book
in varied-ink chromium covers?
- 974. I'm a girl, damn it!
- 975. I want to do girly things
like fix someone's hair and get romantic phone calls.
- 976. I call you all the time!
- 977. "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over."
You call that romantic?
- 978. When was the last time
you pulled out my chair or told me I was beautiful?
- 979. This guy does all this
in the span of a day!
- 980. This guy already introduced
me to his mother.
- 981. Really?
- 982. He was up and at work
by 9:00 this morning.
- 983. Unlike my ex-boyfriend,
who would sleep until 1:00...
- 984. 'cause he played Sega and watched videos all night long!
- 985. Which, by the way, has enormous effect on your libido.
- 986. Oh, now you attack my libido?
- 987. There's no libido to attack.
- 988. No libido to attack?
- 989. You're sure you saw
her get on, right?
- 990. Maybe she was getting off.
- 991. Ow!
- 992. Sorry.
It's all right.
- 993. You know something?
You look familiar to me.
- 994. Couldn't be.
I'm never at the mall much.
- 995. No, it's not from the mall.
- 996. I know. You're the guy from the news
that kidnapped the President's daughter...
- 997. and threw her off the roof.
- 998. I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.
- 999. There, that was
- 1000. Passionate, yeah.
- 1001. No, Brodie. That was too little, too late.
- 1002. Too little?
- 1003. You said it was a good size.
- 1004. The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little, too late.
- 1005. But now that you mention it,
when a girl says it's a good size...
- 1006. it's a nice way of
saying that it's small.
- 1007. Hey!
- 1008. I'm gonna kill
that son of a bitch.
- 1009. No, forget about him.
- 1010. He just wanted to give me something
that he forgot to give me a long time ago.
- 1011. He's harmless now. Okay?
- 1012. Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.
- 1013. Right there in the elevator?
- 1014. I don't know what came over me.
- 1015. She challenged my libido.
- 1016. I felt obligated to defend myself
against her accusations.
- 1017. Oh, it's not like you
still wanted her.
- 1018. Not in the least.
I'm over her.
- 1019. Holy shit!
- 1020. You really love that girl.
- 1021. No, I never noticed it before,
but she really fuels your engine.
- 1022. You have this new glow about you.
I don't have a glow.
- 1023. You do.
- 1024. If I have a glow
it's because just I got laid.
- 1025. I'd look the same if I banged
anyone in that elevator,
- 1026. present company excluded.
- 1027. Deny it all you want.
I think you're too proud to admit you want her back.
- 1028. I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.
- 1029. What is your problem? I don't understand.
- 1030. Oh, Gwen! I'm sorry.
- 1031. See! That's what you get
for fucking with me.
- 1032. Hey, Gwen, he didn't
really mean to hit you.
- 1033. He's got a funny way
of showing it,
- 1034. by elbowing me in
my frigging tit!
- 1035. Why the hell are you glowing?
- 1036. I'm not glowing.
- 1037. Brandi dumped him.
- 1038. Would you stop saying that?
- 1039. I know. I heard.
- 1040. You heard? How?
- 1041. She told me.
I ran into her a few minutes ago.
- 1042. Really? Where?
By the stage.
- 1043. Do you want me to rub it?
- 1044. Work with me, people,
would you please?
- 1045. No, I don't want this here.
- 1046. I want it toward the front.
- 1047. The rug keeps popping up.
- 1048. If I put the podium there,
it'll stay down.
- 1049. Move it!
- 1050. Mr. Svenning!
Give me the podium!
- 1051. You put the podium
down over here...
- 1052. Like this.
- 1053. You stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English?
- 1054. Like this.
- 1055. Mr. Svenning!
Let me help you up.
- 1056. Get off! Move!
Here, let me help you.
- 1057. All right, where's Brandi?
Let go of me!
- 1058. Where's Brandi?
- 1059. You're fired.
You get the hell out of here.
- 1060. Get off my set!
- 1061. Where is she?
- 1062. You are out of her life.
- 1063. Now, you stay out of her business and mine,
- 1064. Come on, people.
Are we working here?
- 1065. Get the backdrop ready.
Are those lights ready to go?
- 1066. Okay, Mr. Svenning.
- 1067. Go on the other side
and put the podium
- 1068. over the bad spot
in the carpet, okay?
- 1069. The hole?
Please. Go. Now. Uh-huh.
- 1070. So, you made her dump me...
- 1071. and now you're going
to auction her off
- 1072. in an effort to better
further your own career?
- 1073. Not that it's any
of your concern,
- 1074. but Brandi agreed to be
on Truth or Date.
- 1075. After that shit you
pulled last night,
- 1076. I think she's even
looking forward to it.
- 1077. It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy.
- 1078. Somebody with a brain.
- 1079. You admit it?
You are behind our break-up.
- 1080. Admit it?
- 1081. Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am of this game show here.
- 1082. Listen to me.
It's over between you two.
- 1083. The sooner you get that,
the better off we're all gonna be.
- 1084. Understand me?
- 1085. Guard, come here.
Get this guy off of my set.
- 1086. If he gives you any shit,
you have my permission to castrate him.
- 1087. T.S.: You can't do this!
- 1088. I just did.
- 1089. Get me LaFours.
Right away, sir.
- 1090. Well, go on!
- 1091. I wonder if my mother
ever wore a pair like this.
- 1092. How about these?
- 1093. Very sexy.
That sounded convincing.
- 1094. I'm preoccupied.
- 1095. T.S., she told you.
She's just doing it as a favor to her father.
- 1096. Regardless.
- 1097. It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.
- 1098. She might as well.
You're overreacting again.
- 1099. That's why your
- 1100. It's certainly why ours did.
- 1101. You got bent out of shape
the same way over that costume party in high school.
- 1102. You fucked Rick Derris
on a pool table!
- 1103. With everyone watching,
- 1104. It was a costume party, T.S.
- 1105. No one could tell it was me.
- 1106. Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that?
- 1107. I would've been a sexy chick.
- 1108. Do you remember
that costume party?
- 1109. Might that have been the one
where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table?
- 1110. Nobody remembers
shit like that?
- 1111. How is it that you recall
the most trivial events?
- 1112. I'll never forget it.
How many chances
- 1113. do you get to see
Smokey fuck the Bandit?
- 1114. Didn't I look just
like Burt Reynolds?
- 1115. Except for the moustache.
- 1116. You know, they have a whole room
you're supposed to do that in?
- 1117. Some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly today...
- 1118. he busted in on me twice
while I was trying on stuff.
- 1119. This saves him the effort. Oh.
- 1120. Ooh.
- 1121. How much longer are we gonna be
in this chick store, anyway?
- 1122. I'm starting to get
a mean hard-on.
- 1123. Brodie, Tell me about
the Rene break-up.
- 1124. I threw her away like a parking ticket.
- 1125. Don't front, Brodie.
I talked to Rene's cousin this morning.
- 1126. It was vice-versa.
- 1127. They certainly aren't
acting broken up.
- 1128. Go ahead.
Ask him about the elevator.
- 1129. Tell me about the elevator.
- 1130. It goes up and down.
- 1131. Rene seems so coarse, anyway.
- 1132. What was it like to date her?
- 1133. Ever slept with somebody?
- 1134. Uh, yeah.
- 1135. I mean, really slept
- 1136. Beside them, not just fuck them on a gaming table.
- 1137. We slept together one time,
remember, in high school?
- 1138. That ski trip?
That was you?
- 1139. Yes, Brodie, I've slept
beside many people.
- 1140. All right.
- 1141. You know how when someone lays with their back to you...
- 1142. and you lay behind
them really close
- 1143. and you throw
one arm over them?
- 1144. It's called spooning.
- 1145. But you gotta put
the other arm somewhere.
- 1146. You can either lay on it
or just shove it in between your bodies.
- 1147. The only other option is to stretch it above your head.
- 1148. But sometimes my arm
pops out of the socket when I'm sleeping like that.
- 1149. So, I was constantly searching for someplace
to keep my arm...
- 1150. while still laying
close to her.
- 1151. And?
- 1152. What do you mean, "And"?
That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship.
- 1153. Jackass.
- 1154. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
- 1155. I know exactly
how he feels. Excuse me.
- 1156. Fill this with Coke, no ice.
- 1157. Want a sip of my soda?
- 1158. Smartass ex-boyfriend.
- 1159. You know who I am?
- 1160. A deeply resentful
- 1161. Rene's with me now.
Okay? You got that?
- 1162. So don't be sniffing around her anymore
like you tried to do today.
- 1163. Shit!
- 1164. There goes the lung.
- 1165. Listen to me.
- 1166. I got two things to tell you.
- 1167. I don't like you.
- 1168. I see you every week
in this mall.
- 1169. I don't like
- 1170. You're one of these
fucking loser mallrat kids.
- 1171. You don't come here to work or shop,
you hang out all day.
- 1172. Act like you fucking live here.
- 1173. I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
- 1174. Is this what's known as
- 1175. Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fucking clueless.
- 1176. The newly single often feel strangely protective
of the ex-boyfriend.
- 1177. If this is her idea
- 1178. hate to have her mad at me.
- 1179. Now, you see, Bruce...
- 1180. I like to pick up girls
on the rebound from a disappointing relationship.
- 1181. They're more vulnerable,
they're in much more need of solace...
- 1182. and they're fairly
open to suggestion.
- 1183. And I use that suggestion
to fuck them someplace very uncomfortable.
- 1184. What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?
- 1185. No, like somewhere girls dread.
- 1186. Oh!
- 1187. All right. Now, uh...
- 1188. is it because it's a challenge?
- 1189. Is it because it's taboo?
- 1190. Or is it because
I like to, you know...
- 1191. have them differently than they've ever been had before?
- 1192. This sounds like a discussion
much more suited...
- 1193. to an extended professional
- 1194. I'll go get
a therapist for you.
- 1195. Now, evidently,
the only one that's gonna need a doctor here...
- 1196. is yourself, my friend.
- 1197. And my suggestion to you is...
- 1198. forget you ever dated Rene.
- 1199. Until I get what I'm looking for
from this latest dalliance...
- 1200. I better not find you within 10 city blocks of her...
- 1201. otherwise I will be forced
to do you some very serious damage.
- 1202. All right? Hmm?
We clear on that?
- 1203. Rene who?
- 1204. There you go.
Not bad, you're learning.
- 1205. Well, all right, Bryce.
- 1206. Bruce.
- 1207. I'm glad we had
this little chat.
- 1208. I'll remember it when I'm fucking your girlfriend.
- 1209. Oh, and, uh, my store's having a sale next weekend.
- 1210. You should come by.
I'll cut you a nice deal on a suit.
- 1211. Did we ever get along?
- 1212. Once or twice.
- 1213. How come we went
out as long as we did?
- 1214. You had cable.
- 1215. So, are you gonna
stay for the show?
- 1216. Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone.
- 1217. T.S. Quint. Where's your sense of chivalry?
- 1218. Oh, my God!
Is that Brodie?
- 1219. You're fucking kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?
- 1220. All I said was the Easter Bunny
- 1221. at the Menlo Park mall
was more convincing.
- 1222. He just jumped the railing
and knocked me down.
- 1223. He's fucking dead!
- 1224. Oh, let it go.
He's under a lot of pressure.
- 1225. What the hell happened to him?
- 1226. The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass.
- 1227. Fuck all that shit.
Come on, Silent Bob.
- 1228. What really happened?
- 1229. The proprietor of
- 1230. beat a rain check
into my stomach.
- 1231. Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?
- 1232. I went out with him
after we dated.
- 1233. He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once.
- 1234. What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?
- 1235. Sounds like his M.O.
- 1236. Can you get up?
Am I still glowing?
- 1237. You're barely breathing.
Was Rene involved in any of this?
- 1238. This was an independent
act of aggression.
- 1239. He told me that
his intentions were
- 1240. to penetrate
- 1241. in the most notorious of body cavities.
Sounds just like him.
- 1242. Oh, you better tell Rene.
Let him do whatever the hell he wants.
- 1243. If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is,
- 1244. she deserves the discomfort.
- 1245. I, on the other hand,
have had just about
- 1246. all the discomfort
I can stand for a day.
- 1247. Oh, shit, I'm late.
I gotta go.
- 1248. You're just gonna leave
with him in this condition?
- 1249. I gotta split.
You gonna be okay?
- 1250. Couple of pins in the hip,
I'll be good as new.
- 1251. That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.
- 1252. Women, always leaving you
when you've just had the crap kicked out of you.
- 1253. You look like
you're gonna live to me.
- 1254. You stay here.
I gotta hit the bathroom.
- 1255. Please, don't say "hit!"
- 1256. All right, honey.
- 1257. Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday.
- 1258. Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.
- 1259. All right, who's next? It's hot in this goddamn suit!
- 1260. Hey, guys. Wait in line
like everybody else.
- 1261. What the hell is this?
- 1262. This is for Brodie.
- 1263. He's here.
- 1264. What?
Him and Brodie.
- 1265. Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving.
- 1266. He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.
- 1267. Maybe because we're broken up for good this time.
- 1268. I remember when I dumped T.S.
- 1269. I was all right with it till
he started dating you.
- 1270. A little jealousy residue?
- 1271. I thought so at first.
- 1272. Then I realized it
was more than that.
- 1273. When I saw how he was with you,
- 1274. how well you two
complemented each other...
- 1275. it finally hit me that
T.S. is a great catch.
- 1276. Gwen, you were always
cheating on him.
- 1277. Capricious youth?
- 1278. Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.
- 1279. Jesus, Gwen.
The last thing I need at this point...
- 1280. is a lecture on my love life.
- 1281. All I'm saying is that
the really good guys are few and far between.
- 1282. In fact, I haven't
met one since T.S.
- 1283. Even if I did meet one,
I guarantee I'd use him as the basis for my comparison.
- 1284. You can have him
if you want him.
- 1285. Believe me,
I might consider trying...
- 1286. if he weren't
so hung up on you.
- 1287. Well, I gotta get home.
- 1288. Have a great show.
- 1289. Chocolate-covered pretzel?
- 1290. This is Roddy,
Mr. Svenning's assistant.
- 1291. Mr. Svenning would like
to have a word with you.
- 1292. Where? Ah, these are melting.
- 1293. Copy that.
By the stage.
- 1294. Tell him I'll be
there in a minute.
- 1295. What do you think?
I don't trust it.
- 1296. Maybe he's calmed down a little bit.
We'll talk reasonably.
- 1297. Reasonably, shmeasonably.
You should go over there and give him shit.
- 1298. You kidding?
I'm trying to marry his daughter.
- 1299. All right, so you can't scream at him,
but after all he's done...
- 1300. you should still
kind of stick it to him.
- 1301. How do you propose I do that?
- 1302. You stink-palm him.
- 1303. Take your hand
and you stick it in your ass like this.
- 1304. You've been walking all day
and you're also nervous
- 1305. and no doubt you're
sweaty as hell.
- 1306. You should see
yourself right now.
- 1307. A man with his hand
in his pants.
- 1308. I probably look like
my old man.
- 1309. Now you shake hands
with the guy.
- 1310. "Hey, Mr. Svenning.
How've you been?"
- 1311. What's the point?
- 1312. Know how long it takes
for that smell to come off?
- 1313. Scrub all you like,
it'll stick around for at least two days.
- 1314. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family?
- 1315. They'll think he doesn't know
how to wipe his ass properly.
- 1316. Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand
that smells like shit?
- 1317. Small price to pay
for the smiting of one's enemies.
- 1318. I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor.
- 1319. Stay here while
I go talk to him.
- 1320. I assure you, tonight's program will go off
without a hitch.
- 1321. I hope so, Jared,
for your sake.
- 1322. You picked a dangerous mall
to host a game show in.
- 1323. I hear the Easter Bunny
was accosted this morning.
- 1324. If there's anything
even remotely resembling
- 1325. the trouble you had at
the Governor's Ball...
- 1326. you're gonna be hosting
the Lotto drawing
- 1327. on public access the rest of your career.
- 1328. Gentlemen, please trust me.
- 1329. I have just taken
the necessary precautions...
- 1330. to insure everything
will go smoothly.
- 1331. Hmm?
- 1332. Nothing to worry about.
- 1333. I tell you what.
- 1334. Why don't I meet you back here around show time?
- 1335. Somebody said you
wanted to see me?
- 1336. Yes, I did.
- 1337. You know what?
I'm feeling a little less frazzled...
- 1338. and I thought maybe
we might chat.
- 1339. Chat?
Mmm-hmm. Yes, chat.
- 1340. All right, look.
- 1341. I realize that the other night
didn't go very well for you.
- 1342. And I realize I'm to bear most of the blame for that.
- 1343. Yes, you do.
- 1344. But hey, it was a grant
that would have enabled...
- 1345. the station and myself
to make the leap
- 1346. into syndication-viable
- 1347. leaving me, of course,
with no choice...
- 1348. but to peddle this show
to the network execs and beg for a job.
- 1349. No big deal. It's okay.
- 1350. And for that I'm sorry.
- 1351. But to penalize Brandi and I,
our relationship, for that...
- 1352. Come on, isn't there
some other way?
- 1353. I'm afraid not.
- 1354. I mean, I can't exactly
ask Brandi to marry me if...
- 1355. Marry you?
- 1356. Yeah, I was gonna ask her to marry me
when we got to Florida.
- 1357. Oh...
- 1358. You know, uh...
- 1359. Uh...
- 1360. I've always felt bad
about the fact that I had to raise Brandi on my own.
- 1361. Her mother, she left us
when Brandi was only 3.
- 1362. Well, her mother was
a little immature.
- 1363. She was only 15 at
the time she had her.
- 1364. Of course I was only 14. But that's another story.
- 1365. Anyway, ever since she left
it was just the two of us.
- 1366. But I've prided myself
on the fact...
- 1367. that I've instilled in her
some strong values.
- 1368. And while I know she's generally a good girl...
- 1369. I also know that,
being young once myself...
- 1370. it's hard to sometimes
ignore certain, uh...
- 1371. urges.
- 1372. Tingles. Hmm?
- 1373. I'm not sure I follow you, sir.
- 1374. Quint...
- 1375. I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter.
- 1376. The two of you...
- 1377. have been dating long enough
for you to have slimed your way into her panties...
- 1378. and I'm sure you did just that at least once or twice...
- 1379. in my own house, probably while I was at home.
- 1380. The idea of that used to keep me awake at nights.
- 1381. But now you give me something even worse to think about.
- 1382. The notion of you...
- 1383. as an albatross around my daughter's neck
for the rest of her life...
- 1384. is too much.
- 1385. Brandi has a bright future.
- 1386. She is an extremely intelligent\ and capable girl.
- 1387. And I'm sure that one day
she'll be even more successful than me.
- 1388. Maybe.
- 1389. But you...
- 1390. You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition.
- 1391. Hmm?
- 1392. And no chance of making it
in the real world.
- 1393. My daughter is
too good for you.
- 1394. You will never,
ever be with her.
- 1395. Hmm?
- 1396. If there isn't anything else...
- 1397. Hey, fellas!
- 1398. Well, well, well,
if it isn't my neighbor.
- 1399. You been watching
my family conduct
- 1400. any more of our
satanic rituals lately?
- 1401. Please, sir, accept my apology for my juvenile behavior.
- 1402. Damn! Would you feel that iron-grip handshake!
- 1403. Uh...
- 1404. You know, with an imagination like yours...
- 1405. you belong on TV.
- 1406. Oh, that's your forte, sir.
And you do it so well.
- 1407. So, what's going on here?
- 1408. T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points.
- 1409. Of which he does have many.
- 1410. Hey! Look at that ring.
What is that?
- 1411. That is my junior-college
- 1412. Cum laude, '69.
- 1413. I also hope to come loud one day,
preferably in a 69.
- 1414. Boy, look at the shine on that.
- 1415. Mmm.
Do you polish it daily?
- 1416. You know, Bruce, once you eventually get a job...
- 1417. and start working
for a living...
- 1418. you're gonna realize
that there's not enough time in the day...
- 1419. for such luxuries
as ring polishing.
- 1420. Is that so?
- 1421. Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?
- 1422. They're a little melty,
but, damn, are they exquisite.
- 1423. If I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.
- 1424. Um...
- 1425. Dark chocolate?
- 1426. Oh, come on!
No, please, no!
- 1427. They're awesome.
Here you go.
- 1428. Thank you.
- 1429. Mmm.
- 1430. That's good.
- 1431. Being a man who,
uh, believes in...
- 1432. "one good turn
- 1433. Mmm.
- 1434. I have something...
- 1435. to offer...
- 1436. the both of you.
- 1437. Really, what's that?
- 1438. What is this?
These are called handcuffs.
- 1439. This is what is known
as a precautionary measure.
- 1440. Easy, boy, easy.
- 1441. I couldn't risk having you screw up my career...
- 1442. or make another
play for Brandi.
- 1443. Once I realized you
two were in the mall
- 1444. I decided to set up
this little ambush...
- 1445. to remove...
- 1446. you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.
- 1447. Why am I his sidekick?
How do you know he's not my sidekick?
- 1448. Well, that's something
you're gonna have to figure out for yourself...
- 1449. in jail.
- 1450. Take them away!
- 1451. Yes! Whoo!
- 1452. Oh, joyous.
- 1453. So good.
- 1454. Mmm.
- 1455. T.S.: You're nothing but
a lot of talk and a badge.
- 1456. Rene! Get Jay
and Silent Bob! Please!
- 1457. Hurry!
- 1458. Did somebody call your name?
- 1459. Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait here, okay?
- 1460. Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.
- 1461. Thanks.
- 1462. I'll tell you, what you need
is a fatty-boombatty blunt.
- 1463. Then I guarantee
you see a sailboat...
- 1464. an ocean, and maybe
even some of them
- 1465. big-titted mermaids
doing lesbian shit.
- 1466. Look at me, look at me,
you sloppy bitch!
- 1467. Dude, you're a mad
- 1468. T.S., Brodie, security guards.
- 1469. Under arrest,
they need help! Go!
- 1470. Wow. A sailboat.
- 1471. Brenda?
- 1472. This is illegal!
You can't arrest us for nothing!
- 1473. Oh, all right.
- 1474. I believe when Mr. LaFours
turns us over to the police...
- 1475. the bag of contraband that he's "found" on our persons...
- 1476. will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up.
- 1477. At least for the duration
of this evening's show.
- 1478. Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?
- 1479. Come, son of Jor-El!
Kneel before Zod!
- 1480. Snootchy bootchies!
- 1481. Asshole.
- 1482. Vulcan nerve pinch?
That was close.
- 1483. What about that stink-palm back there?
He even licked his hand.
- 1484. We gotta disappear, man.
They'll be looking for us.
- 1485. Oh, thank you, man. We owe you one.
You want to hide?
- 1486. I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go.
- 1487. Don't I even get to wash my hand first?
- 1488. What the shit are we gonna do?
- 1489. Come on, we're fucked!
They're right behind us. Come on!
- 1490. Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!
- 1491. Where do you get
those wonderful toys?
- 1492. T.S.: This is where
we're hiding out?
- 1493. This is the dirt mall!
- 1494. Cops never come in here.
- 1495. Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
- 1496. I never could figure out
what you saw in this place.
- 1497. Good buys. Great people.
- 1498. Hey, Walt!
- 1499. They know me here.
- 1500. I wouldn't be
too proud of that.
- 1501. Listen to the sound
of defeat in your voice.
- 1502. Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated?
- 1503. Man, you're giving up?
- 1504. You used to be a stand-up kind of guy.
What happened to that guy?
- 1505. The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother
after she called him "low-class."
- 1506. That wasn't me, that was you.
- 1507. Oh, yeah.
- 1508. It wasn't her mother,
it was her grandmother.
- 1509. No wonder the bitch
went down so fast.
- 1510. You should have boards in them.
- 1511. Bloody savage.
- 1512. That is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.
- 1513. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother...
- 1514. or an entire senior citizens' community
if you believed in the principle.
- 1515. But only if they
were really old.
- 1516. Maybe I was deluded.
- 1517. Maybe you were right
- 1518. when you said if something stupid
could change how she feels...
- 1519. she's not into it
in the first place.
- 1520. You'd listen to me?
To something I said?
- 1521. Jesus! Haven't I made it clear
during the tenure of our friendship...
- 1522. that I don't know shit?
- 1523. I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass.
- 1524. Or sticking my hand in it.
- 1525. Sometimes, but on occasion
- 1526. you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out.
- 1527. This morning might have been one of those occasions.
- 1528. You know what you need?
- 1529. Some sage-like advice.
- 1530. You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.
- 1531. Not from me, from Ivannah.
- 1532. Who's Ivannah?
- 1533. I can't even find the words.
- 1534. Is that ingenuity or what?
- 1535. What's palm-reading have to do with being topless?
- 1536. It makes the news
easier to take.
- 1537. She could tell me
I'll die in 10 minutes,
- 1538. so long as she told me topless.
- 1539. Your maleness
amazes me sometimes.
- 1540. What can I say?
I love tits.
- 1541. What kind of people
patronize this service?
- 1542. People like us.
- 1543. Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting—
- 1544. Don't be such
a damn fundamentalist.
- 1545. I've already reached my lowest.
- 1546. This is where I draw the line.
- 1547. You used to like tits, too.
- 1548. I love tits as
much as the next guy,
- 1549. but why pay some
old hag good money...
- 1550. for supernatural
- 1551. with sagging, wrinkled,
- 1552. You know, Quint...
- 1553. you're a homosexual.
- 1554. Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.
- 1555. You've come for a glimpse at your future?
- 1556. Amongst other things.
- 1557. Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly.
- 1558. If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea...
- 1559. or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown...
- 1560. Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake...
- 1561. in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.
- 1562. You guys still in?
- 1563. We're both healthy
and strapping young men.
- 1564. You give me $58.60.
- 1565. What?
- 1566. You expect me to pay for this?
- 1567. I'm broke.
I'll pay you back.
- 1568. I knew it.
I can't believe you.
- 1569. I didn't even want to do this.
- 1570. You'll thank me later.
- 1571. Thank you.
- 1572. Mmm.
- 1573. All right, gentlemen,
free your mind.
- 1574. I'd like to free something.
- 1575. Focus.
That's what I was thinking.
- 1576. She said "focus."
- 1577. I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.
- 1578. A difficulty in affecting
- 1579. for a problem.
- 1580. Something hard.
- 1581. I'm convinced.
She's got the gift.
- 1582. Try to contain yourself.
- 1583. Miss, I appreciate the effort
- 1584. and I'm sure
you're very good at...
- 1585. whatever it is you do...
- 1586. but my shallow friend isn't interested in his future,
- 1587. so you can cut the theatrics.
- 1588. What a relief.
I do so much better
- 1589. when I don't have to
say things in character.
- 1590. You don't have
to say anything at all.
- 1591. You paid,
I should tell you something.
- 1592. In order to do that...
- 1593. I have to work completely...
- 1594. unfettered.
- 1595. Oh, yes.
- 1596. Oh, I can definitely
sense the problem. Here.
- 1597. Girl trouble.
- 1598. Apparently,
you're both on the outs
- 1599. with your respective steadies.
- 1600. That's amazing.
- 1601. That's disgusting!
- 1602. Oh, you both feel
the pain... Ow!
- 1603. of loss.
- 1604. But only one of
you makes it vocal.
- 1605. The other one suffers silently.
- 1606. My God, you're right.
- 1607. We gotta go.
- 1608. How can this be resolved?
- 1609. I would say, yes...
- 1610. combine your efforts.
- 1611. You both have
very strong auras...
- 1612. and two strong auras
produce positive results.
- 1613. I feel nauseous.
- 1614. So, in working together—
- 1615. You'll beat the odds.
- 1616. The odds. Yes.
- 1617. Mmm, that's what I see.
- 1618. Let me tell you what I see...
- 1619. I don't buy her power.
- 1620. All right, when's my birthday?
- 1621. Between the first
and the last...
- 1622. of October.
- 1623. Did you hear that?
- 1624. Very haunting. Let's go.
- 1625. Why are you stuck here
in this dirt mall
- 1626. and not in an upscale
- 1627. You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.
- 1628. Believe it or not,
some people still frown on topless fortune-telling.
- 1629. Unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective.
- 1630. Really?
It's the third nipple that does it.
- 1631. Oh, you have a third nipple?
- 1632. What are you talking about?
- 1633. It's clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake.
- 1634. You can stare at it.
I don't mind.
- 1635. No.
- 1636. Understanding is reached...
- 1637. only after confrontation.
- 1638. Of course!
- 1639. Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how informative you've been.
- 1640. Thank you very much.
- 1641. And don't ever
lose that nipple.
- 1642. I won't.
- 1643. Do you have...
- 1644. Any other extra body parts?
- 1645. No.
- 1646. You could double-check me, if you like.
- 1647. Really?
T.S.: Come on!
- 1648. Works every time.
- 1649. Mmm. Cherry.
- 1650. You're gonna what?
- 1651. I'll get on her dad's show.
- 1652. Are you kidding?
- 1653. Last time he had dope planted on us.
What will he do this time?
- 1654. He can't touch us once it starts.
It's a live feed.
- 1655. He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs.
- 1656. It can't happen.
I'll make it happen.
- 1657. "Understanding is reached
only after confrontation."
- 1658. That's what Ivannah said.
Brandi will respond to confrontation.
- 1659. Hey, man.
Didn't I see you on CNN?
- 1660. What the hell's
your problem, anyway?
- 1661. You're supposed to be the impetuous one, not me.
- 1662. Why are you fighting me?
- 1663. I'm being rational!
- 1664. You're scared you may want to follow my lead
and win Rene back!
- 1665. Rene who?
Whatever. Just do me a favor.
- 1666. Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.
- 1667. I'll need your help.
Where are you going?
- 1668. Shopping.
- 1669. What the hell am
I supposed to do?
- 1670. Hey, man! It wasn't me!
- 1671. Dude, this looks like your mom.
- 1672. I've been looking
all over for you two.
- 1673. We're hiding.
- 1674. In a bookstore?
- 1675. Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch.
- 1676. I need your help.
- 1677. You two up for getting stoned?
- 1678. Look
who you're asking.
- 1679. You looking at
that couple inside?
- 1680. Actually, I was just looking
at this little pink number over here.
- 1681. That's kind of nice.
They look happy, don't they?
- 1682. What, the bras?
- 1683. No, the couple.
They look happy.
- 1684. I guess, as far as couples go.
- 1685. You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-Man I did.
- 1686. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping.
- 1687. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up...
- 1688. and he pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.
- 1689. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.
- 1690. Oh, my God!
- 1691. Holy shit!
- 1692. Aren't you...
Oh, Stan Lee. Hi.
- 1693. What's up, boys?
You guys on this show?
- 1694. That's the rumor.
- 1695. Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there...
- 1696. and being on TV, I'd be scared as hell if I were you two.
- 1697. Yeah?
- 1698. Sure, man.
What if you fuck up?
- 1699. Your friends and
- 1700. I'd be piss scared
I'd get a boner or fucking fart or something.
- 1701. He's got a point, man.
This is live. Anything could happen.
- 1702. Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.
- 1703. There's only one thing that could take off that edge.
- 1704. Make you feel relaxed as hell.
- 1705. Make you forget how many people
- 1706. are staring at
you here and on TV.
- 1707. And what's that?
- 1708. Snootchy-bootchy nootchies!
- 1709. The Fantastic Four.
Reed Richards. Can his whole body stretch?
- 1710. I mean every part,
you know, like his—
- 1711. I know what you mean.
- 1712. We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.
- 1713. What with the
comic-book code and all.
- 1714. I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you!
- 1715. You're responsible
for the greats.
- 1716. Let's do the list.
- 1717. Guilty.
The Incredible Hulk?
- 1718. Afraid so.
This is so cool.
- 1719. The X-Men?
Now that you mention it.
- 1720. Shit, man.
You are a god!
- 1721. Hey, look at that couple.
- 1722. Boy, they sure seem
to be in love, huh?
- 1723. What's with that?
That's the second time
- 1724. you've commented
on couples in love.
- 1725. Well, I like
that sort of thing.
- 1726. Tell me, do you have
a girlfriend, Brodie?
- 1727. Had one.
We just broke up.
- 1728. The Thing?
Is his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body?
- 1729. It's a superhero secret.
- 1730. Tell me, Brodie.
Why did you and your girlfriend break up?
- 1731. She was a pain in the ass.
- 1732. She wanted me to be
this typical boyfriend guy.
- 1733. She said I was too into my own world of comics and all.
- 1734. I can relate.
- 1735. There was a time when it was all about comics for me.
- 1736. I had a girl, probably
the same as yours.
- 1737. She always complained
that I spent
- 1738. too much time
with my own comics.
- 1739. And eventually we broke up.
- 1740. See, what did she know?
- 1741. Here you are now,
a legend in the field.
- 1742. You had a slew of
women since her, right?
- 1743. Oh. Lots of women.
- 1744. Jagger and me,
we had a running contest to see who had the most.
- 1745. Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.
- 1746. Damn, that's hot!
- 1747. But I never forgot that girl.
- 1748. Did you ever get
back together with her?
- 1749. One day I found out
she got married.
- 1750. I had blown it.
I had missed my window.
- 1751. No way.
- 1752. What'd you do?
- 1753. I went on with my life.
- 1754. I created some special
- 1755. They were characters
- 1756. my own heartbreak
and my own regrets.
- 1757. How so?
- 1758. Doctor Doom wears body armor
- 1759. to conceal his
own mangled form.
- 1760. Right?
- 1761. That was me beneath the armor.
- 1762. The Hulk.
- 1763. A normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.
- 1764. Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.
- 1765. So you created each character
- 1766. as a way to deal with
your one big regret.
- 1767. Yeah, the girl that got away.
- 1768. Look, do yourself
a favor, Brodie.
- 1769. Don't wait.
- 1770. Because all the money,
all the women...
- 1771. even all the comic
books in the world,
- 1772. they can't substitute
for that one person.
- 1773. I don't know. All the comics in the world?
- 1774. Trust me, true believer.
- 1775. Well, good talking to you.
- 1776. Keep up all the good work.
- 1777. You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.
- 1778. Hey, Stan!
- 1779. She really meant
that much to you?
- 1780. Brodie, I'd give it
all up, all of it...
- 1781. for just one more day with her.
- 1782. Take care.
- 1783. Stan!
- 1784. I think he bought it.
- 1785. What kind of story
did you give him?
- 1786. Oh, it was the Vulture's
soliloquy, you know,
- 1787. from the Spider-Man
- 1788. "Love Be a Vulture Tonight."
- 1789. I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee.
Oh, forget it.
- 1790. You know, I think you ought to get him some help.
- 1791. He seems to be really hung up on superheroes' sex organs.
- 1792. But he'll outgrow it.
- 1793. Oh, Mr. Lee?
- 1794. Excelsior!
Oh, you got that right.
- 1795. See you.
- 1796. Cool.
- 1797. I think I felt it move.
- 1798. Just kidding.
- 1799. Just the two I'm looking for.
I need help.
- 1800. With what?
- 1801. Let me borrow the Shannon Hamilton tape.
- 1802. It's important!
The future of my relationship depends on it.
- 1803. It's at my house.
Take T.S.'s station wagon, parked in 2D.
- 1804. I don't even have a license.
- 1805. You still got
that stage schematic?
- 1806. I need you to wire something together for me.
- 1807. Oh, Jesus.
What's with him?
- 1808. Oh, I don't know.
I'm suddenly not feeling too well.
- 1809. But everything is fine.
- 1810. We're about to start.
- 1811. Oh, you are in for something
really special tonight, gentlemen.
- 1812. I have lined up...
- 1813. Excuse me.
- 1814. Jesus.
- 1815. Sorry.
- 1816. I have lined up some
really bright kids here.
- 1817. This promises to
be a lot of fun.
- 1818. I'm sure you're gonna love it.
- 1819. Shouldn't you be in bed or something?
- 1820. No. I wouldn't miss
this for the world.
- 1821. Make sure everybody's
ready and let's start.
- 1822. How much did you smoke?
- 1823. All it took was a fat chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.
- 1824. How much do I owe you?
- 1825. As long as you promise,
next time you pop your old lady...
- 1826. you make her call you "Jay."
- 1827. Let's hope there
is a next time.
- 1828. All right, I'm ready.
- 1829. You're never gonna
believe who I just met.
- 1830. What the hell happened to these two?
- 1831. Power of the Dark Side.
- 1832. Wait, there's only two.
- 1833. There's supposed to be three.
Where's the third guy?
- 1834. I never saw a third guy.
- 1835. Who's this asshole?
- 1836. What the hell happened to those guys?
- 1837. They got lightheaded.
You got that right.
- 1838. They gonna cancel the show?
- 1839. What do you care?
- 1840. I'm supposed to be on it.
I'm Gil Hicks.
- 1841. Suitor Number Three.
- 1842. We're taking their place.
I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.
- 1843. Didn't I see you on the news?
- 1844. Dude. Don't give him
any shit, all right?
- 1845. Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svenning?
- 1846. Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria.
- 1847. What happened to those two?
- 1848. They got sick.
We volunteer to take their place.
- 1849. Isn't this guy
from Monmouth State?
- 1850. He and that broad tried to kill the Governor.
- 1851. Yes, it is.
All right, Quint.
- 1852. I don't know how
you got back in,
- 1853. but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning.
- 1854. We'll postpone the start until we figure this all out.
- 1855. You called down the thunder,
- 1856. now you've got it!
- 1857. Hey, Roddy!
- 1858. Jesus Christ,
you knocked him out.
- 1859. Now hit him!
- 1860. Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?
- 1861. They got stoned and knocked him out.
He needs medical attention.
- 1862. That's not what happened. Ow!
- 1863. Could you have him removed?
The show's about to start.
- 1864. Whatever.
- 1865. Look, dude.
No more shit, all right?
- 1866. Just go out and woo like you're supposed to
and nobody gets hurt.
- 1867. When Tricia shows up
with the videotape,
- 1868. you get it to
Silent Bob, understand?
- 1869. I'm on it. Wait a sec,
where is that tubby bitch?
- 1870. Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.
- 1871. One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.
- 1872. Hi, I'm Bob Summers,
- 1873. and tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors...
- 1874. woos our beautiful,
- 1875. Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for romance in the making...
- 1876. as we introduce the suitors!
- 1877. Our first suitor goes
to Marymount College
- 1878. where he majors in Economics.
- 1879. Say hi to Doug Paging.
- 1880. Do it, Doug!
- 1881. Our second suitor hails from Canisius College in Buffalo...
- 1882. where he majors
- 1883. Say hi to Rob Feature.
- 1884. Our final suitor
goes to Rutgers...
- 1885. where he majors in Fine Arts and Greek mythology.
- 1886. A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.
- 1887. Pay attention, dick.
- 1888. May the best man win.
- 1889. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette.
- 1890. From Monmouth State,
where she majors
- 1891. in Astronomy and
- 1892. a big welcome for the lovely Brandi Svenning.
- 1893. All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.
- 1894. Our lovely suitor-ette will ask
- 1895. a series of questions
of our suitors...
- 1896. and make her decision
based on their answers.
- 1897. Anything goes!
- 1898. Brandi, are you ready?
- 1899. Absolutely, Bob.
- 1900. Then you may fire when ready.
- 1901. Okay.
- 1902. Um.
- 1903. Suitor Number One.
- 1904. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?
- 1905. Um, the kind you'd never dump your boyfriend in.
- 1906. Okay.
- 1907. Suitor Number Two.
- 1908. Can't you call me
the Second Suitor?
- 1909. "Suitor Number Two" sounds like a bathroom code, you know?
- 1910. Now, the Second Suitor...
- 1911. sounds like
a figure of mystery.
- 1912. Like I belong on
the grassy knoll.
- 1913. Okay.
- 1914. Second Suitor.
- 1915. If we were making whoopee—
- 1916. What's whoopee?
- 1917. Um.
- 1918. If we were...
- 1919. If we were being intimate...
- 1920. What, like fucking?
- 1921. Yeah.
- 1922. If we were, you know, what kind of noises would you make?
- 1923. No, I think that's
kind of personal.
- 1924. I don't think I
should answer that.
- 1925. Uh, Suitor Number Three.
- 1926. What would our
first date be like?
- 1927. First I'd take you shopping to the stores
you'd want to shop in.
- 1928. And then we'd do
a little lunch,
- 1929. probably at the Cheese Haus...
- 1930. followed by some golfing.
- 1931. Then at night,
we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus.
- 1932. Then I'd follow it all up with a drive
to a secluded beach...
- 1933. where I'd pop on the radio...
- 1934. and then we could slow dance till the sun came up.
- 1935. That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!
- 1936. I mean, look at you,
you're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.
- 1937. I should know,
we can smell our own.
- 1938. Suitor Number One.
- 1939. If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?
- 1940. When Jaws popped
out of the water.
- 1941. Excuse me?
- 1942. I'll propose to you right now.
- 1943. I propose you stop letting your father run your life...
- 1944. and be true to yourself
and not give up on someone you know has value.
- 1945. Yeah, and take off your socks
when you make whoopee...
- 1946. or whatever that word is.
He hates it when you leave them on.
- 1947. What?
- 1948. Suitor Number One,
you sound familiar.
- 1949. Like your conscience, maybe?
- 1950. Look, lady. You don't
know him, all right?
- 1951. Now make with the questions.
- 1952. Suitor Number Three.
- 1953. Is your kiss like
a soft breeze...
- 1954. a firm handshake,
or a jackhammer?
- 1955. What's the funny guy
doing with his hands?
- 1956. I don't want to know.
- 1957. What the fuck is
going on up there?
- 1958. Never mind.
You go tell LaFours to call the police.
- 1959. I want the fucking Department down here now
to arrest those guys.
- 1960. Now. Go.
- 1961. Definitely a jackhammer.
- 1962. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done...
- 1963. you're not the same as before.
- 1964. Where do you come
up with this shit?
- 1965. That is the cheesiest response
to an honest question I've ever heard.
- 1966. I saw you kiss
and it wasn't anything like that.
- 1967. Suitor Number Two,
you have to wait until
- 1968. you're addressed
before you respond.
- 1969. Richard Dawson,
go back to your podium
- 1970. until it's time to play
the Feud, all right?
- 1971. Who did you see me kiss?
- 1972. Some dude backstage.
- 1973. I don't know who he was,
but he seemed unimpressed.
- 1974. I didn't kiss any guy backstage,
I swear. I'm not gay.
- 1975. Hey, Suitor-ette,
this guy's a homophobe.
- 1976. You heard how
repulsed he sounded.
- 1977. Is this the kind of guy
you want to spend a vacation with?
- 1978. This hate monger?
I don't hate gay people!
- 1979. So you love them?
- 1980. I mean, no!
Textbook closet case. Self-loather.
- 1981. Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.
- 1982. Brodie said to
give this to you.
- 1983. Are you watching this shit, man?
It's fucked up!
- 1984. I don't want to be
here when that tape
- 1985. does what I think
it's going to do.
- 1986. Why the hell not, man?
This shit is dope.
- 1987. Holy fuck.
He'll kill him.
- 1988. Who'll kill who?
- 1989. LaFours, man.
Silent Bob, he's my fucking board, man.
- 1990. What am I going to fucking do?
Point him out.
- 1991. Miss Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?
- 1992. Um, I don't think that—
- 1993. How strong are
- 1994. Hi.
- 1995. Would you be
interested in partaking
- 1996. in some psycho-behavioral research?
- 1997. What are you talking about?
- 1998. How easily do you quit?
Say you wind up with one of us.
- 1999. Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh, over here.
- 2000. I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!
- 2001. Why not, because he's fat?
You got something against fat people, too?
- 2002. Snootchy bootchies!
- 2003. Are you ready?
- 2004. Uh.
- 2005. If I have a conviction,
I stick to it.
- 2006. Were you ever in love?
- 2007. Yes, as a matter of fact.
- 2008. What happened to
- 2009. We broke up.
- 2010. It just didn't work out.
- 2011. I mean, were you unhappy?
- 2012. Sometimes.
- 2013. I don't know.
The usual baggage.
- 2014. He lacked a sense of romance.
- 2015. He almost ruined
my father's career.
- 2016. He got me implicated
in an attempted murder.
- 2017. That was an accident.
- 2018. T. S.?
- 2019. Hey, what about the rest of us?
- 2020. Why don't you
ask me a question?
- 2021. Suitor Number Two.
- 2022. Hey, what about me?
Gil, just shut the fuck up!
- 2023. Second Suitor...
- 2024. would you ever make
whoopee in public?
- 2025. I already did once today.
- 2026. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once.
- 2027. He was on a plane
to New Mexico,
- 2028. when all of a sudden
the hydraulics went.
- 2029. The plane started spinning around, going out of control.
- 2030. He decides it's all over,
whips it out
- 2031. and starts beating it
- 2032. All the passengers
take a cue from him,
- 2033. they whip it out and
start beating like mad.
- 2034. So all the passengers
are beating off,
- 2035. plummeting to
their certain doom...
- 2036. when all of a sudden...
- 2037. the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.
- 2038. It lands safely...
- 2039. and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever,
away and deboard.
- 2040. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
- 2041. Did he come or what?
- 2042. Jesus Christ, Gil!
- 2043. There are just some things
you do not mention in public.
- 2044. Second Suitor...
- 2045. if you were a comic-book character,
what character would you be?
- 2046. Wow, that's a great question.
- 2047. A tough one, though.
What does one gauge his response on?
- 2048. Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?
- 2049. The ability to banter well
with super villains?
- 2050. How's your comic-book
- 2051. Oh, it's going good.
But, I mean—
- 2052. Oh, comics!
What are you talking about?
- 2053. I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids!
- 2054. I knew it.
- 2055. Suitor Number One...
- 2056. you just don't know
when to quit, do you?
- 2057. No.
- 2058. No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.
- 2059. I was.
- 2060. But you complicated my life.
- 2061. How so?
- 2062. Well, you placed
me in such a damned
- 2063. uncomfortable
position with my father...
- 2064. Twice even.
What was I supposed to do?
- 2065. Show a little backbone.
- 2066. I was ready to show
a little backbone.
- 2067. And then you had to
show up with Bumbler the Boy Wonder over there...
- 2068. and screw things
up further, proving...
- 2069. that you never took
the situation seriously.
- 2070. Boy Wonder?
I'm all man, lady!
- 2071. I've never done anything
but show interest in you.
- 2072. Our whole goddamn romantic career I doted on you.
- 2073. The minute things
got dicey, you cracked.
- 2074. There we were,
mere hours from spending an entire week together...
- 2075. away from our family, school.
- 2076. She throws in the towel
because her daddy says so.
- 2077. He got us shot at by
the Federal authorities.
- 2078. He brought his troublemaker friend over to my house...
- 2079. where he proceeded to
allow news cameras...
- 2080. to take naked
videos of my father.
- 2081. Then he had the audacity
to inform me...
- 2082. that on this vacation that we were supposed to take...
- 2083. that he was going
to propose to me,
- 2084. without even discussing
it with me first.
- 2085. We've been talking about getting married since high school.
- 2086. He could have approached my father, man to man...
- 2087. and made his intentions clear.
- 2088. He could have apologized
for all the problems that he caused.
- 2089. But what does he do instead?
He just goes on with his life.
- 2090. I mean here he is.
He's hanging out at a mall.
- 2091. You put yourself on an auction block for God's sake...
- 2092. in front of
a live studio audience.
- 2093. Do I get a chance to field
any more questions?
- 2094. No!
- 2095. Look, I think I should say something here.
- 2096. I know both of you pretty well.
- 2097. Suitor Number One
has done nothing but pine over you all day...
- 2098. trying to figure out
a way to win you back.
- 2099. When this public opportunity
to literally do that arose...
- 2100. he pulled his shit together, risked life and limb...
- 2101. and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot.
- 2102. I'm tired of this whole thing!
- 2103. You're both retarded
for each other!
- 2104. Forget about
the shit that happened
- 2105. and do what you're supposed to!
- 2106. I think the audience
would agree with me there.
- 2107. Ask her, you silly bastard!
- 2108. Miss Suitor-ette...
- 2109. Suitor Number One loves you...
- 2110. has always loved you,
and will always love you.
- 2111. He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.
- 2112. Will you marry me?
- 2113. Yes.
- 2114. Snootchy bootchies,
- 2115. Are we set or what?
Good to go.
- 2116. Hey, did you see LaFours out there?
- 2117. For a minute there, I thought that we were in trouble.
- 2118. Oh, a sailboat.
- 2119. I think it's safe to say,
we've made our match.
- 2120. These two lucky people will soon be winging their way...
- 2121. to beautiful, sunny Florida
for a week of theme parks, beaches...
- 2122. and a lot more
from the look of it!
- 2123. I guess that about
wraps it up for—
- 2124. Not just yet, Pat Sajak.
- 2125. All right?
- 2126. You! All right.
- 2127. I believe you have something that belongs to me.
- 2128. Yeah? What's that?
- 2129. Not you, asshole! The girl.
- 2130. You have my heart.
- 2131. What can I say?
- 2132. I love the retard.
- 2133. Wait a minute.
I thought tonight
- 2134. we were supposed to,
- 2135. Hamilton!
- 2136. Let's try to wrap this up, all right?
I promised her breakfast.
- 2137. All right, that's it.
- 2138. You're dead, mallrat.
I'm going to fuck you up beyond repair!
- 2139. Sailboat. Sailboat.
- 2140. What in Christ's name
took you guys so long?
- 2141. Get your asses up there
and arrest those guys.
- 2142. The one with the girl and the one with the microphone.
- 2143. For what?
- 2144. Trespassing, public lewdness, FCC violation.
- 2145. Food poisoning.
- 2146. Ladies and gentlemen,
this tall drink of water headed my way...
- 2147. is a pillar of
the shopping community...
- 2148. who informed me earlier today
of a nefarious plan of his...
- 2149. to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.
- 2150. What? Like the back
of a Volkswagen?
- 2151. And as he comes up here to...
- 2152. Holy shit!
- 2153. Without further ado,
I'd like to present you all...
- 2154. with an accurate portrayal
of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.
- 2155. Now, Silent Bob!
- 2156. I said now, Silent Bob!
- 2157. When, Lord?
- 2158. When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?
- 2159. Now, now, now!
- 2160. Who's your favorite New Kid?
- 2161. Call me Joey.
- 2162. Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose.
I think that's it.
- 2163. Yeah. Call me Donnie.
Come on. Oh, girl.
- 2164. Yeah, please don't go.
- 2165. No wonder why she
walks all fucked up.
- 2166. That girl's only 15.
- 2167. Oh, 15?
I thought she was 36.
- 2168. Hey, come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't have popped her?
- 2169. Where you're going...
- 2170. they screw people in
a very uncomfortable place.
- 2171. Really?
- 2172. You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.
- 2173. Oh, come on, just once?
- 2174. All right, but make it fast.
- 2175. Would you have gone on vacation with the winner?
- 2176. What do you think?
- 2177. I don't know,
I think you would have.
- 2178. But I would have
sent you a postcard.
- 2179. What the hell is wrong with me?
- 2180. If the tape was
out of your reach,
- 2181. how the hell did you get it?
- 2182. The Jedi mind trick!
- 2183. Holy shit!
Motherfucking Yoda and shit!
- 2184. Adventure?
- 2185. A Jedi craves not these things.
- 2186. Holy! You spoke.
- 2187. There was never anything good to say before.
- 2188. Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?
- 2189. I call that illegal.
- 2190. So.
- 2191. So what?
- 2192. I was just wondering,
if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night...
- 2193. Yeah?
- 2194. Would you like to have dinner at my house
and meet my mother?
- 2195. I can't guarantee
she'll like you, but...
- 2196. Hey, want a cookie?
It's on me.
- 2197. It was just a warm-up.
Please, come on?
- 2198. The show wouldalways go smoother
and be less racy.
- 2199. The show was a piece of shit.
- 2200. Unoriginal,
uninspired, you know.
- 2201. The only thing that saved it was this guy here.
- 2202. I'm Bentley Garrison,
with the network.
- 2203. Me and Mason thought
you were hysterical.
- 2204. Hilarious. You've got
great presence, kid.
- 2205. Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show?
- 2206. Him?
- 2207. Excuse me, sir. Are you the producer of this program?
- 2208. Of course I am,
you stupid shit.
- 2209. And I want those
two guys arrested.
- 2210. Sir, you are under arrest.
- 2211. What?
- 2212. What for?
- 2213. For broadcasting lewd or indecent images
in a public forum...
- 2214. and violation of about 19 FCC regulations.
- 2215. Jesus Christ!
- 2216. And for vomiting on my shoes.
- 2217. Yeah?