Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile (2022)

1. Ten tiny typists tripped through the tunnel.

2. Ten tiny typists tripped through the tunnel.

3. Ten tiny typists...

4. - You can't be in here. - Compliments of the house. Enjoy it.

5. - Sir. - It's delicious.

6. Tell him callbacks are next week and he'll know when he knows.

7. Okay.

8. La-la-la-la-la!

9. Okay, Show Us What You Got.

10. Contestant 318, you are up next.

11. He wasn't next.

12. - Where's your number? - I have no time to waste.

13. - Magical magic.

14. Wait a minute, man.

15. No, no, no.

16. Hector, we told you after last time, no more.

17. That was just my song-and-dance routine. My new act will blow your minds.

18. Prepare yourself for the Dance of a Thousand Pigeons.

19. Yes.

20. That's enough.

21. Thank you.

22. Maybe...

23. Maybe go back to singing.

24. Security.

25. Seriously, dude?

26. Ditch the birds.

27. You gotta show them something they've never seen before.

28. Because whatever that was, ain't working.

29. Hi, I'm looking for something...

30. Something, uh...

31. Something unusual.

32. But cute.

33. Really, really cute.

34. Also affordable.

35. That I can fit under my hat,

36. while I am dancing.

37. We got a special on bird-eating spiders.

38. Okay, let's try this again.

39. Boa constrictor.

40. Vampire bat.

41. Might have a lemur in the back.

42. A lemur.

43. A singing crocodile.

44. "Lyle." Lyle.

45. Hector P. Valenti, star of stage and screen, at your service.

46. Oh! Oh.

47. My reptilian friend, welcome home.

48. We're family now.

49. Come.

50. Okay, let's go.

51. Come on, Lyle.

52. I know you don't talk, but you can sing.

53. You already owe me for the last show.

54. Yes, but this one's special.

55. Then you pay me up-front. In cash.

56. Cash might be a problem.

57. But I have something far more valuable.

58. Thirty seconds to curtain.

59. Got a full house out there. Break a leg.

60. Lyle.

61. Lyle.

62. Lyle, sing.

63. Sing, Lyle.

64. Please.

65. Drop the curtain.

66. Come on.

67. What's that look for? Oh.

68. We've had a minor setback, nothing more.

69. Yes.

70. I'll go on the road for a bit, and make some cash.

71. Oh!

72. Here, take this.

73. It's got every song you'll ever need.

74. The best companion there is.

75. Okay.

76. Okay, I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

77. And remember, if anyone asks, tell them you are stuffed.

78. Okay.

79. - You got it? - Yeah, I'm good.

80. - Couple more. - Straight to the living room, brother.

81. Are we actually gonna be living here?

82. I think we are.

83. This is a really bad idea.

84. Do you realize Manhattan crime statistics have seen a year-on-year increase

85. of over 18 percent?

86. Most people move out of the city when they have kids, not into it.

87. Ready?

88. And you must be the Primms.

89. I am so pleased to meet you. I'm Carol from Liberty Day School.

90. We're so excited to be here.

91. Your new Math Department chair.

92. We are very pleased to have you.

93. Oh, if you can just sign these when you get the chance.

94. Oh, and this is our son Josh.

95. Plus we haven't even talked about the widespread use of lead paint.

96. - New city. Little nervous. Sure.

97. Oh, can I tell you how much of a fan I am of your cookbooks?

98. - Right? - I can't wait to see what you do next.

99. You know, I'm actually scaling it back a bit work-wise,

100. so I could spend more time with Josh.

101. And this is Mr. Grumps, your downstairs neighbor.

102. Hey, how's it going?

103. The local housing administration has established strict noise abatement rules.

104. - Make sure you read them. Yeah, of course.

105. - We certainly will, won't we, darling? Of course.

106. That is the most beautiful cat I've ever seen.

107. Loretta is not a cat.

108. She's a Silver Shaded Persian with an extremely delicate constitution.

109. Do not feed her or let her out of the building.

110. Why don't we go upstairs? Yeah, come on.

111. I'll be watching them. My lawyers will be watching them too.

112. One foot out of place, and they'll be out, and you'll be forced to sell.

113. Okay?

114. I'd say his bark's worse than his bite,

115. but to be honest, his bite's pretty unpleasant too.

116. Amazing cat, though. Can we have a pet?

117. Josh, allergies.

118. I know.

119. FYI, there's a few leftovers from a previous owner in the attic.

120. Hopefully they won't get in your way.

121. Welcome home.

122. Babe, can I put this here?

123. You hate it.

124. No.

125. New York City.

126. - Did we just move here? - I think we did.

127. You think Josh is gonna be okay?

128. Are you kidding me? He's got his own floor up there.

129. He's probably having the time of his life.

130. What was that?

131. That is an ambulance.

132. What was that?

133. That was a car tire.

134. What was that?

135. I have no idea what that was.

136. "This is my crocodile. Please, take good care of him.

137. Cordially yours, Hector P. Valenti."

138. "Lyle."

139. Tofu kale breakfast bowl.

140. Swiss chard chickpea scramble.

141. - Vegan turmeric latte. - I thought it was in...

142. Three different recipes from three different books.

143. It's perfect.

144. Oh, honey, this looks amazing, and healthy.

145. But I gotta go. I can't be late. Where's Josh?

146. I'm taking Josh, remember?

147. Right.

148. Grab something.

149. Um, have you seen my glasses?

150. - Thank you. - Hey.

151. Yeah?

152. You got this, okay? They're lucky to have you.

153. I'm lucky to have you.

154. - Don't forget to sign up for wrestling. - Okay.

155. - We gotta go. - Josh, there's time for breakfast.

156. No, it's an 11-minute ride on the subway from East 86th to West Farms Square,

157. plus a four-minute walk at this end and a seven-minute walk at the other.

158. Assuming everything goes right.

159. Keep up, Mom. All the way down to the end. Then we just cross this little avenue.

160. This is 86th Street Station.

161. [man 1] Excuse me.

162. Watch it. - [man 2] Wrong side, kid.

163. [man 3] Excuse me.

164. [man 4] Move, move.

165. Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

166. Don't worry, you got this.

167. Seriously?

168. What are you doing?

169. - Do you not see us filming here? - [boy 1] Come on, man.

170. - [boy 2] Do you mind? - [boy 3] Dude, are you serious?

171. He's literally filming.

172. Let's go, guys.

173. Watch it on Sweep like everyone else, pumpkin.

174. Whatever. Weirdo.

175. - Featherweights, you're up.

176. And wrestle.

177. Look for the single leg.

178. Come on.

179. I'm Trudy, and I'm auditioning for Show Us What You Got.

180. Loretta.

181. Go ahead. That milk's for you.

182. Hey.

183. Okay. Stay close.

184. No!

185. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

186. Wait. No, you have to give her back.

187. Did you see that?

188. [man 2] Dude, that was crazy.

189. Wait.

190. [man 1] Hey, watch where you're going!

191. [man 2] Hey!

192. Hey, kid.

193. You gonna give me that phone, or am I gonna have to take it from you?

194. That was totally awesome.

195. Wait, you gotta show me how to get back.

196. Okay, last box.

197. Why did we even bring all this stuff?

198. Oh, don't eat those. They're horrible.

199. What? You love these things.

200. You used to bake with cherries. You made us put them on our wedding cake.

201. I know I did, but that was before I found out what's in them.

202. They're full of hydrogenated palm oil, and sugar, and corn syrup.

203. We wanna set a good example for Josh. We should throw them out.

204. Outside in the garbage.

205. Hey.

206. Those are my trash cans, not your trash cans.

207. Yours are in the back.

208. Oh, right. I'm so sorry.

209. Sorry is right.

210. Don't come around scattering suburban mediocrity all over my trash.

211. - I didn't know. - Someone's been feeding my cat.

212. I wanna know who.

213. Do you have any idea how dangerous irritable bowel syndrome can be

214. in a cat as valuable as Loretta?

215. If I catch you, or your wife, or your horrible son

216. so much as looking at Loretta, my lawyers will be all over you.

217. Do I make myself clear?

218. Now, hold on a minute.

219. - Yes or no? - Yes.

220. - Yes, yes, yes. - Great.

221. Oh, please, use more of the hot water. Help yourself.

222. - There's plenty to go around. - What? Hot water?

223. Hey, hi.

224. You awake yet?

225. - Um... here.

226. This is my Plus Four Strength card.

227. It's the most valuable card in my deck, and I want you to have it.

228. Josh, where are you?

229. Okay, uh, I gotta go.

230. And I'll be back after 3, okay?

231. An actual pet.

232. Hey, Josh, let's go.

233. Taking a shortcut.

234. What?

235. Josh.

236. Wait.

237. Josh?

238. This way.

239. Josh.

240. Hey.

241. Josh.

242. What's up?

243. Don't worry. I got this.

244. Oh, your book.

245. It's beautiful.

246. That cake's gonna make you famous.

247. - That was a modest bite. - Wait, wait. No, no, no.

248. How about another taste?

249. Hey, Animal Planet.

250. What's with all the books?

251. Uh— Um...

252. You won't believe me.

253. I, uh, kind of have a...

254. pet crocodile.

255. Nobody has a pet crocodile.

256. Told you.

257. And absolutely nobody has a pet crocodile in the city.

258. My dad had to do free dental work for the mayor

259. just to get my pet rattlesnake allowed in our building.

260. I, uh, saw you on Sweep.

261. I mean, like, not...

262. I didn't... It was...

263. You're kind of a weirdo, aren't you?

264. Yeah.

265. I've always approached our life like one of my recipes.

266. When things get hard, we stick with the ingredients that work.

267. But now it's all different, and I still feel bad.

268. About what?

269. Josh growing up.

270. Oh, honey.

271. I know that I should feel happy, but...

272. I wish I just didn't feel so left out.

273. Hey.

274. You're a huge part of Josh's life, and an amazing mother.

275. All right?

276. Hey.

277. We were lost until you found us.

278. What...?

279. - You want me to...?

280. Okay, okay. See, the thing is I've never dumpster dived before, so...

281. - Okay.

282. Okay.

283. Whoa!

284. What...?

285. Ugh.

286. So gross.

287. Let's see.

288. You like noodles?

289. Ugh!

290. Oh, my God.

291. No, that's okay.

292. I have sort of quite a specific diet,

293. which is mostly Bagel Bites, so I'm...

294. I'm not sure if that's gonna taste—

295. Wow, that's actually amazing.

296. I've never had anything like that before.

297. Where are you from?

298. My mom's family is from Taiwan.

299. Well, she's actually my stepmom.

300. My mom died when I was 2.

301. My dad says I got her nose.

302. I can do this really, like, crazy thing with my knuckles

303. where if I, like, go like that, I can, like, crack them all.

304. Do you have knuckles?

305. What is that?

306. Uh...

307. You don't talk, do you?

308. Yeah!

309. - Whoo-hoo!

310. Yes, it's an emergency.

311. The city must do something about these double-wide strollers.

312. You know, just because somebody made the mistake of having a second child

313. doesn't mean that I should be forced off the sidewalk,

314. into the...

315. streets.

316. - Mumsykins?

317. Have a great day.

318. You too, honey.

319. Josh, time to wake up.

320. Come on.

321. Josh?

322. All right, Josh, come on.

323. Let's go.

324. Mom, no, hold on.

325. Oh, my God.

326. He's safe.

327. - No, Mom, it's okay.

328. Mom, I swear, he's not dangerous.

329. - He's a crocodile. - Okay, yes, crocodiles are dangerous.

330. They bite through bone and have a taste for human flesh.

331. But he's not like that. He wears a scarf.

332. I have to tell your father.

333. - No, he'll have him taken away.

334. - I'll agree with him. - No.

335. Thanks for calling. Leave a message.

336. Lyle is a good crocodile. He's just lonely, like I was.

337. And he cares about me.

338. Do you realize how different things have been since I met him?

339. I made a friend.

340. Mom, I feel like I belong here, because of Lyle.

341. - Josh. - You won't even see him. He's nocturnal.

342. And he can sing.

343. - It's, like, how he talks.

344. Just don't do anything until I get home tonight.

345. That's all I'm asking. Please.

346. Hey. - Hey, honey, sorry.

347. Did you call?

348. I just...

349. wanted to wish you a great day.

350. Oh, thanks.

351. I could use that. These city kids have a lot of energy.

352. I'll see you at home. I love you.

353. I can't believe I just did that.

354. - Everyone. Yeah, that's nice.

355. Can we sit down, though, please?

356. Hey, guys, let's not throw stuff.

357. Can we just settle down? Just a little bit, okay?

358. This isn't happening. Crocodiles don't belong in houses.

359. No—

360. Mom?

361. Lyle? Lyle, all right.

362. Three cameras, all mounted on the roof's perimeter.

363. No one's getting in or out without you knowing about it.

364. Perfect. I know they're up to something.

365. No one's ever putting anything nasty in Mummy's tummy ever again.

366. Are they, Mumsykins?

367. No. No.

368. N-O.

369. That's how we spell "no, no, no."

370. I'm just gonna...

371. Yeah.

372. Mmm!

373. Mmm!

374. Try that.

375. Really?

376. - We should save some for Lyle.

377. Good morning, sweetheart.

378. Hey, Dad.

379. Pizza. For breakfast.

380. And where'd you get caviar?

381. Can I have a—?

382. No. - Sorry.

383. - Sorry. Excuse me. - It's more like...

384. - See you. - Let's not get any food...

385. Um...

386. Honey?

387. Yeah?

388. I've, um, noticed that you've been, um...

389. happy, uh, recently.

390. Which is great.

391. And I wondered if that,

392. you know, hasn't been because of me.

393. I mean, is...?

394. Is there something I need to know?

395. Oh, sweet pea.

396. I mean, is there...

397. someone else?

398. Not exactly.

399. It's time to tell your father.

400. Tell me what?

401. Go, go, go... - Hey, Dad, wait, it's fine.

402. It's not what you think.

403. All right, this way.

404. Hide in here.

405. Dad, it's okay.

406. It is not okay.

407. There's a crocodile in the house.

408. That's what I thought too, but he's not a normal crocodile.

409. What are you talking about?

410. Everybody, get out of here!

411. Follow me! Let's go!

412. There's a crocodile...

413. May I wish you good day, sir.

414. - Hector P. Valenti, at your service. What?

415. Where should I put my bags?

416. Uh... I'm not sure I—

417. Oh, dear. You didn't know I was coming?

418. No worries.

419. While you call the school authorities, I'll make myself at home.

420. But you're... I'm...

421. Please, please, be my guest.

422. It's been a very long and difficult trip.

423. I'd hate to put my back out in a moment of—

424. Oh, my.

425. Oh, Lyle.

426. Look at the size of you.

427. Lyle.

428. Yes.

429. I missed you too.

430. Lyle.

431. Oh, no, no, no. We had no idea. Nobody told us anything.

432. Uh-huh.

433. Yeah.

434. Okay, yeah.

435. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Bye.

436. What did they say?

437. Well, this was his family's brownstone,

438. but he somehow lost it in some kind of a business deal.

439. He's figuring out some kind of new show,

440. and there's a clause that says somehow he can stay here 15 days out of the year.

441. What?

442. This cannot be happening.

443. We have a crocodile, and now David Copperfield, living in our attic.

444. This is definitely not okay.

445. And can you please stop drawing him?

446. It's weird.

447. Yes.

448. Yes.

449. - I hate you.

450. I hate them so much.

451. Good morning, sir. Good morning.

452. If there's any breakfast, I'll take eggs.

453. Any way you wanna make them. But not scrambled. Or fried.

454. Thank you.

455. Okay, family day. What do you think, history museum?

456. - Go there? - Sure.

457. There he is.

458. I'm just gonna...

459. So, Dad's not coming.

460. Dad needs to let off a little steam.

461. He doesn't like Hector, does he?

462. Oh, well, Hector is a very colorful character.

463. I don't know about you, but I could eat a horse if you spread butter on it.

464. - You're a Gators fan? - Don't be ridiculous.

465. Smoke and mirrors, my friend. Smoke and mirrors.

466. How else do you think Lyle can join us?

467. Whoo!

468. Shall we?

469. - Are you sure this is safe? - Who wants to be safe?

470. No, "safe" is a repellent little word. Expunge it from your mind.

471. We are here to live, yes?

472. And living is a dangerous business.

473. You're not worried that some people might think he's a real crocodile?

474. Ah! Nothing could be of less importance than what other people think.

475. Let people stare.

476. For once in their dreary lives, they have something wonderful to look at.

477. - Look, look.

478. Here it is.

479. - Brain freeze. - Another one.

480. Oh, no, you're going down!

481. - You're going down! - Yeah!

482. Oh, perfect timing. You could be on my team.

483. - Hey. - Oh, uh, I'm okay.

484. I'm exhausted. I'll go upstairs and take a shower.

485. Hector thinks the hot water might be out.

486. My bad.

487. Okay, right hand, red.

488. Lyle.

489. I was, uh, just checking the boiler.

490. Because it's cold, right?

491. Ow! Ow.

492. Where'd you get that at?

493. Lyle, why would you do that?

494. Oh, no.

495. Not today.

496. One, two, three.

497. Yeah!

498. All-league champion!

499. I'm back, I'm back!

500. I still got it.

501. Twenty years. State champs, '99.

502. Come on, one more round.

503. Stay down.

504. Good morning.

505. Let's try that again.

506. Good morning, Mr. Primm.

507. Dad, you have to come see this.

508. - Is that a white rabbit? We can start the show of magic.

509. Can you please pass me those?

510. This? - Thank you. Yes, I need those.

511. Thank you very much.

512. Now, now that we have the bunny, we can start our magic show.

513. Front row for you, sir.

514. Behold, the power of illusion.

515. Okay? Nothing here, nothing over there.

516. Follow the card carefully.

517. Wow!

518. Magical magic.

519. Where are they? Here they are.

520. You have a nine, and you have a two.

521. Thank you. Thank you very much.

522. Hey, play us one of your songs.

523. Yeah, play something.

524. That would be amazing. Please?

525. Hm...

526. Don't you see what that means, Lyle?

527. That was an audience,

528. and you performed.

529. You performed, Lyle.

530. Yes.

531. Lyle. Lyle?

532. We can do it.

533. We can do it. We can take our show on the road.

534. You and me, like we always planned.

535. Let's go. Let's go.

536. Where are you going? Why is he all dressed up?

537. When the world sees Lyle sing and dance, we're gonna be rich.

538. - Rich. - What?

539. But he doesn't need money. He needs a family and a home.

540. This is the business of show, Josh.

541. Because Lyle is not just a crocodile.

542. He's a showman.

543. Bye.

544. Does he even want that?

545. Josh, tonight is our big night.

546. The night for what?

547. The preview for potential investors in our new show.

548. Evangelyne will get us there just in time.

549. Who's Evangelyne?

550. Hector?

551. Wish us luck.

552. Take a look at us now.

553. Hey, how'd it go?

554. Uh, the stage can be a cruel mistress.

555. I thought Lyle had changed, but he hasn't.

556. He froze.

557. Stage fright.

558. He still won't sing for an audience.

559. Just so you know,

560. I don't care if you sing or not.

561. Either way, I think you're awesome.

562. Just give him a little time, okay?

563. He's gonna be okay.

564. I won't pretend this isn't something of a blow, my old friend.

565. One or two loans will now require

566. a radical renegotiation, you know?

567. But nothing I can't smooth over with a little Valenti charm.

568. It's the school's brownstone, not yours.

569. I'm done. I did not sign up for this.

570. Mr. Primm, for you.

571. Oh, good, it's the man of the hour.

572. You're a member of the neighborhood? Time to earn your spot.

573. Okay, great.

574. Get the money.

575. Show business.

576. Oh, please, sit.

577. Come in.

578. I don't wanna be unneighborly.

579. Really, I don't.

580. And no one loves music and singing and dancing more than me, you know.

581. Just not at 3:00 in the morning.

582. So if you could find it in your hearts

583. to sign the petition,

584. and override the school's power to allow awful families like this...

585. - Okay, now hold on just a second—

586. - No.

587. - Well... That's just Josh.

588. - Practicing wrestling. - Trampoline.

589. On a trampoline.

590. He wrestles on a trampoline that we'll get rid of.

591. Sure, but if it's not that, and it's something else,

592. something that you're hiding from us,

593. something that you think you'll get in trouble for,

594. well, I believe now is the time to share it.

595. Do you mind if I join you?

596. - Valenti. - Alistair Grumps.

597. Alistair Grumps.

598. How in the world are you?

599. Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay! Wait, is that the same sofa?

600. You literally have not changed a thing.

601. You see, Alistair and I grew up together.

602. - Have you been drinking? - Yes, I have.

603. I always feel like the world looks better with a glass of champagne.

604. A glass of champagne.

605. Get out. This is none of your business.

606. It is, it is, because if the Primms are the problem,

607. then I, as their houseguest, I'm part of the problem too, am I not?

608. A large part.

609. With your permission, I'd like to be part of the solution as well.

610. Would you mind, please?

611. Thank you.

612. - Delicious. - Per usual, Hector, you're overstepping.

613. We are not the only ones who overstepped the mark.

614. We, for instance, haven't mounted security cameras

615. throughout the neighborhood,

616. filming other residents without their consent.

617. No permission asked?

618. None.

619. - No. - No. Were releases signed?

620. - No. No.

621. Well, if it was me, I'd go straight to the police.

622. Mm-hm.

623. Out, all of you.

624. Everyone, get out of here.

625. Come on.

626. This meeting will be reconvened at a later date.

627. Thank you so much for coming.

628. Excuse me.

629. Not you.

630. I can assure you, Alistair, we have absolutely nothing to talk about.

631. Why don't we see about that?

632. Hector had this whole performance.

633. Even Marjory was miffed.

634. - She was so upset. - Mr. Grumps's jaw was...

635. - Hector. - Hector.

636. Oh, thank you.

637. - Thank you so much. - That was incredible.

638. No, no, no. You have all been extraordinary.

639. It was the least I could do.

640. Thank you, really.

641. So I have to make myself presentable.

642. I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail, okay?

643. Hide him.

644. Now.

645. Go.

646. Stay here.

647. Hector, Hector.

648. Where is he?

649. I'm gonna look around back. Just in case. Could be a big one.

650. Stay back, stay back.

651. - No, no. - Josh.

652. He won't hurt you.

653. Lyle.

654. You have to sing.

655. Now.

656. No.

657. No.

658. - Watch your step there. - Easy.

659. No.

660. You're clear.

661. - Josh. - I'll talk to him.

662. I knew it.

663. I knew you were up to no good.

664. Hiding a crocodile. You've broken so many rules.

665. Wait till I tell your school. They'll throw you out of the city.

666. You'll be gone, all of you, by Thanksgiving.

667. Lyle.

668. Hey, hey, buddy.

669. Hey, are you okay?

670. I came as soon as it opened.

671. - Lyle. - Hey, buddy.

672. Hey, no hands through the bars.

673. Thank you.

674. You, get back.

675. We have to do something. He must hate it here.

676. Look, Josh, they understand crocodiles. They're gonna look after him.

677. Then why aren't they giving him pork-and-rosemary vol-au-vents,

678. or chicken Milanese with a dash of salsa verde?

679. He's a crocodile, sweetheart.

680. He's a very special crocodile, but he is still a crocodile.

681. He has to learn to live with the other crocodiles.

682. - No, no. We can break him out. Josh.

683. It's not a bank. It's a zoo. How hard can it be?

684. Josh, stop.

685. Okay? We'll come visit Lyle every day, I promise.

686. We'll speak to the zoo, and ask them to let us bring Lyle his favorite treats.

687. There's only so much we can do.

688. Not all problems have a solution, Josh.

689. No, you don't get to decide that.

690. Not for me. Not anymore.

691. My whole life, I've been scared,

692. because you've been scared.

693. But I'm not scared anymore.

694. Because of Lyle.

695. He changed everything for me.

696. And not just for me.

697. For you too. So...

698. I'm not gonna leave here.

699. I'm not just gonna leave here without...

700. - Leave here without... - Josh?

701. - Wait, Josh, Josh, Josh. - Oh, my God.

702. Josh, are you okay?

703. - Josh. Get his inhaler. - It's in his jacket.

704. Call 911.

705. He had a panic attack that triggered his asthma.

706. It's good he had his inhaler.

707. He's gonna be fine. You got nothing to worry about.

708. Thank you, sir.

709. - You okay, bud? - Yeah.

710. - You sure? - Yeah.

711. Hey.

712. Can you believe it?

713. I still can't believe it. We're gonna be on Show Us What You Got.

714. That's great.

715. You deserve it.

716. Listen.

717. Don't give up.

718. When Malfoy escaped, I thought I'd never see him again either.

719. Malfoy? The pet rattlesnake my crazy Uncle Ernie gave me?

720. He was gone for six weeks. We all thought he was dead.

721. Until the neighbors found him in the back of their toaster oven.

722. Miracles do happen, Josh.

723. There he goes.

724. Mom, I'm fine.

725. I know you're fine. I'm gonna make sure you stay that way.

726. Come on.

727. Where you going?

728. - Taking the trash out. - Okay.

729. - Be careful. - Be careful.

730. How could you do it?

731. I've asked myself the same question over and over, Josh.

732. But, you see, I've got nothing.

733. No family, no friends.

734. Then why do you keep leaving him?

735. When Lyle choked,

736. I had to go back and make it on my own.

737. Again. Yes.

738. But I couldn't, because no one's interested in...

739. me.

740. And I owe a lot of people a lot of money.

741. A lot of money.

742. So when Alistair Grumps offered me that cash, I had to take it.

743. Out of need, out of fear, out of weakness.

744. And I've hated myself for doing it.

745. Good, because I hate you too.

746. But this is not about me, or about you. It's about Lyle.

747. You know as well as I do, we can't leave him in that zoo.

748. So if you have the stomach for it,

749. if you have the fire in your belly I know you have,

750. you have,

751. you, young man, are going to help me break that crocodile out of the zoo.

752. Yes, because we have magic on our side.

753. The power of illusion.

754. Magical magic.

755. There is no magic, Hector.

756. I'll be at the East Gate at 4 a.m.

757. Four a.m. Be there.

758. Join us live tomorrow, right here in New York City.

759. We're crowning the world's next superstar on the finale of Show Us What You Got.

760. Oh, no...

761. - What do we got here? My dear fellow.

762. May I have some assistance, please?

763. I thought I had this trick down, but I've got myself in a bit of a pickle.

764. - Please. - Uh...

765. - Okay. Some sort of handcuff trick? - Thank you.

766. This looks crazy. Maybe if you move that way...

767. Hey.

768. Hey, hey.

769. Magical magic.

770. Let me out of here.

771. This won't take long. I promise.

772. No, you can't go in there. You can't go in there.

773. Come back here. Come back here.

774. Lyle.

775. Lyle.

776. Not Lyle.

777. Not Lyle.

778. Not good.

779. This was seriously your plan?

780. I knew you'd come.

781. Yes. Climb up there, and catch my rope, please.

782. You have to get me out of here.

783. Josh?

784. - Come on. Josh. - Lyle.

785. Lyle.

786. Lyle.

787. Help me. Help me.

788. Lyle.

789. - No, no, no.

790. Josh?

791. You have to talk to him. Tell him to help me.

792. It's not me that has to talk to him, Hector.

793. It's you.

794. But...

795. I realize I may not have always acted in the best way possible, Lyle.

796. But I showed you the world.

797. I introduced you to white truffle oil.

798. - I taught you the moonwalk.

799. Okay, fine, fine.

800. I apologize. My behavior was unforgivable.

801. I used you, and I abandoned you.

802. And it's my fault you're here.

803. But, please, come back with me.

804. Come back to where you belong.

805. Back to...

806. Back to Josh.

807. And the Primms.

808. To your family.

809. Oh!

810. We gotta get you out of here.

811. Tell me the second part of your plan is better.

812. Not better. It's perfect.

813. I've got Evangelyne parked up by the gates.

814. We can outrun anyone on her.

815. But Lyle can't just keep running.

816. Of course he can. You'd be amazed what you can outrun.

817. - Ex-wives. - Hands up.

818. - Creditors.

819. Park rangers.

820. No, no, this is not a life.

821. We have to show people what Lyle can do.

822. That they don't have to be scared of him.

823. We gotta show them...

824. Go, take Lyle. I've got this.

825. Ah, sorry, not this one.

826. Uh...

827. Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

828. Prepare to have your flabber truly gasted.

829. No, we have no one to drive it.

830. Go, go, go.

831. Go. Come on, Josh.

832. - Come on. They're leaving the park.

833. - Call the police. - Copy.

834. Sorry.

835. How much further?

836. Lyle.

837. All units, we got a crocodile on a motorcycle,

838. entering the Theater District.

839. You got a what?

840. Where's Josh? He's not in his room. I looked everywhere.

841. What's he doing in Times Square?

842. Hey, hey.

843. I'm on the steps.

844. Yeah, I need your help. Where is it?

845. I'm at the backstage door.

846. What are you doing here?

847. Is...?

848. Is...?

849. Yes, and we need to show people what he can do.

850. We need your help.

851. Trudy.

852. Follow me.

853. Whoa, hey.

854. Kaysha from Kingsport, check. Where's Kaysha from...?

855. Security?

856. Yet another unbelievable performance.

857. Text your vote to the long number on the bottom of your screens.

858. - Once again, Tamia and Talullah.

859. And if you thought the talent stopped there,

860. oh, boy, are...

861. - What is happening? - What is going on?

862. Wait, is that a real crocodile?

863. Do you have him? - Got him, sir. Copy.

864. You're just gonna have to trust me now.

865. This is it.

866. Lyle, you have to sing.

867. It's okay.

868. We'll, uh, do it together.

869. You have to show them.

870. - Come on. - Come on, let's go.

871. All right.

872. The point I'm making, Your Honor, is that nothing has changed.

873. So the crocodile sang.

874. So what?

875. - It wasn't even that good.

876. Oh, you're just impressed because it was a crocodile.

877. It was still broken out of the zoo.

878. And according to every single one of the city's very own regulations,

879. it cannot be kept in a domestic residence.

880. Order, order. - It's okay.

881. I'm afraid the plaintiff is right.

882. But who wants to be merely right

883. when you can be fabulously triumphant instead?

884. Good morning, Your Honor. Excuse me.

885. I have some documents here that were stolen from me

886. which I think are of vital importance to this case.

887. What documents?

888. The original deeds to the house on East 88th Street.

889. How'd you get those? Those were under my bed.

890. I was led to them by a new friend. Meow.

891. Why?

892. Let me see that. - Of course.

893. Those papers date from the time of my maternal grandmother,

894. Evelyn T. Valenti.

895. Not just the woman who built the house on East 88th Street,

896. but the woman who was the founder of the New York Zoo.

897. This is nonsense. - What?

898. This is a special deed granted by the City of New York.

899. In acknowledgment to my grandmother's contributions to the city,

900. and to accommodate her fascination for the animals.

901. "The house on East 88th Street is hereby granted

902. a special waiver to house any exotic creature as a pet."

903. Certainly Your Honor cannot be stupid enough to consider this.

904. Approved.

905. - Yes.

906. Your Honor, this is ridiculous.

907. I demand a mistrial.

908. This is absurd.

909. Wait a second. Loretta?

910. - Hey. - Loretta?

911. Keep your filthy hands off of my Loretta!

912. All right, everybody, let's go.

913. - Relax, we got time. - Ooh!

914. I'm gonna get the sunscreen.

915. Wait, wait. What's all of this? Where...?

916. Hector, good morning.

917. - Where are you going? - Get in the car, guys.

918. Hold on. I've already got Lyle over 200 bookings.

919. Two hundred bookings in New York alone.

920. Once we roll out a national tour, we're gonna be swimming in cash.

921. We're not going on a national tour. We're going on vacation.

922. On a what?

923. Have you ever even been on vacation before, Lyle?

924. I got you a floatie.

925. That's cute.

926. Okay, okay. Fine, fine.

927. We'll do a stadium tour instead.

928. Fewer dates,

929. but we'll pack in just as many people.

930. - Bye.

931. Bye.

932. Bye.

933. Uh... Hector?

934. Yes?

935. Oh...

936. I'm sorry, kid, but...

937. Do it, Malfoy.

938. Does he have an agent?

939. He does now.

940. - Oh!

941. He's got an attitude.

942. Let's go.

943. And we're off.

944. How about...?

945. - Play Lyle's music. - Oh!

946. Hey, Loretta.