Love, Simon (2018)

1. I'm just like you.

2. For the most part, my life is totally normal.

3. - Happy birthday. - No!

4. My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback

5. who married the hot valedictorian.

6. And, no, they didn't peak In high school.

7. I have a sister I actually like.

8. Not that I'd ever tell her that.

9. And last year, and 200 episodes of Chopped ago...

10. she decided she wanted to be a chef.

11. Which means we're pretty much all her test subjects now.

12. Is it spicy, Jack?

13. Oh! Gracious. Oh, my gosh.

14. And then there's my friends.

15. Two of them, I've known since pretty much the beginning of time.

16. - Or at least kindergarten. - No. No.

17. - Oh! Sorry! - Okay. How 'bout that?

18. One of them, I just met a few months ago,

19. but it feels like I've known her forever.

20. We do everything friends do.

21. We drink way too much iced coffee,

22. watch bad '90s movies and hang out at Waffle House

23. dreaming of college and gorging on carbs.

24. So, like I said.

25. I'm just like you.

26. I have a totally, perfectly normal fife.

27. Except I have one huge-ass secret.

28. Hey! Morning! Oh!

29. - Hey! - Sorry.

30. I didn't realize you were masturbating.

31. Yeah, very funny.

32. Your sister's downstairs making some

33. la-Di-da pancake thing she saw on Top Chef,

34. so we should probably go eat that.

35. Great. I'll be down in just a second.

36. Okay. Right after you finish searching the internet for...

37. lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?

38. It's Hadid.

39. Right. I didn't realize she was your girlfriend.

40. All right, finish up here.

41. You got me.

42. Morning, guys.

43. Simon, have a seat, honey.

44. Morning, Simon. You gotta eat your breakfast.

45. Please don't tell me

46. that breakfast is the most important meal of the day

47. because that is just so cliché. You're better than that.

48. I was gonna say breakfast lowers LDL cholesterol

49. and prevents fluctuating glucose levels

50. that lead to type two diabetes. Oh!

51. Touché.

52. Nora. These are incredible.

53. Cornmeal pancakes with blackberry compote.

54. But they're not crumbly enough.

55. Stop it. They're perfect.

56. Eat up, Bieber.

57. Okay, I didn't put very much powder...

58. - See you, guys. - See you, Simon.

59. Hey, honey. Be back by seven! It's TV night.

60. Hey!

61. Morning!

62. It's Simon! I live right here!

63. I like your boots!

64. Okay, bye!

65. God damn.

66. - Yo! - Yo!

67. Had the craziest dream last night.

68. Hey, Nick, you have the craziest dream every night.

69. You don't understand. I'm in this cave, right?

70. Or maybe it's in outer space.

71. David Beckham is there with these two contact lenses

72. and then like, blue one or red one, like he's a sexy

73. Morpheus from Matrix.

74. And I don't know which one to pick.

75. I don't know what to do with these things.

76. Oh, my God. Have you guys seen CreekSecrets today?

77. First of all, you are obsessed with that blog, so...

78. Okay, but apparently, Becca Peterson

79. got caught giving Ryan O'Donovan an HJ in the pool.

80. That's the real reason they drained it.

81. - Man, our janitor needs a raise. - Oh, my God.

82. And an HPV vaccine.

83. Leah, I have this dream, right?

84. Nick, we have a rule, remember?

85. No analyzing dreams before coffee.

86. Hi, could we get four iced coffees, please?

87. Oh, could you get Abby's with milk? She likes milk.

88. One with milk. What are you, her barista?

89. It's not hard to remember "with milk."

90. Thank you.

91. Hey!

92. Hey. Hey.

93. Oh, thank you. I am figuratively dying.

94. So, Abby, last night I dreamt

95. I put the wrong contacts in my eyes.

96. - Another dream. You're like... - Hmm.

97. You're like the love child of

98. Sigmund Freud and Cristiano Ronaldo.

99. Oh, my God. Thanks.

100. Now, look. I can't see anything

101. and I'm stumbling around in this cave,

102. crashing into stuff, and then, I wake up.

103. - That's it? - Yeah.

104. Maybe it's something that you're not seeing clearly.

105. Like something that's, like, right in front of your face.

106. What am I not seeing?

107. No idea.

108. Ooh! Ooh!

109. We should be hot Pokemon for Halloween.

110. Oh, yeah. But I get to be slutty Charmander.

111. Cool scarf, Ethan.

112. Hope it doesn't get caught in your vagina.

113. Great choice on the cargo pants, by the way.

114. It looks like you got gangbanged by a T.J. Maxx.

115. Whatever, fag.

116. Honestly, it's just

117. not even a challenge anymore.

118. Dicks.

119. Wish Ethan wouldn't make it so easy for them.

120. Yeah, well, at my old school,

121. that would have been settled with a knife fight.

122. Good morning, Creekwood High!

123. Come on, phones off!

124. There's a whole world to look at!

125. You can look people in the eyes!

126. Gah! Yeah.

127. Stop with the selfies. You're not all that.

128. - I'll see you guys at lunch. - Yeah.

129. Wow! Simonay.

130. Look at those new kicks, my brother.

131. Where'd you get those? Where could I get a pair of those?

132. - I forget. Sorry. - You forget?

133. Come on, you gotta let me know the brand!

134. I want to be sneaker brothers.

135. Oh, I see more phones! Who took your phones now?

136. Me! Me! Me took your phones now! You can get 'em at my office!

137. I can't believe we have to be off book, in like, two weeks.

138. Seriously, Sally Bowles never shuts the eff up.

139. Don't you wish you were talentless like me?

140. Here. Let me show you a thing or two.

141. Because then you could just be living

142. the easy life as company member number eight.

143. Well, well, well...

144. If it isn't my fellow thespians.

145. Hey, Martin.

146. Hey. $pier. Hey, Abby.

147. Hi.

148. Excited to rehearse with you later.

149. Hey, uh, so, fun fact.

150. You know that Cabaret was actually based off a play

151. called I Am Camera?

152. Then I Am a Camera was based off this novel

153. called Goodbye to Berlin.

154. And Goodbye to Berlin was actually based off

155. Christopher Isherwood's

156. early years in Berlin.

157. Wow. That's awesome. I have homeroom.

158. Yeah. All right.

159. Well, I think she found that interesting.

160. Bye, Martin.

161. Bye, big boy.

162. Suraj! Now.

163. Come on. You know the drill.

164. I've had an inspiration. How about The Affair?

165. No. No. We cannot watch The Affair as a family.

166. Why not?

167. Because it's all about sex.

168. Oh, well, God forbid we should watch people make love.

169. Oh, God.

170. Oh, my God. You guys are so repressed.

171. Don't therapize us, okay? We are not your patients.

172. - We're your family. - That's true.

173. If you were my patients, you'd be much more well-adjusted.

174. Oh. Nice therapy burn, baby. Thank you.

175. She got you. You know what?

176. We didn't see last week's episode of The Bachelor.

177. How did that guy even become the bachelor?

178. Why?

179. Well, he's clearly gay.

180. - No, he's not. - Really?

181. - He's handsome. - That date, where he took the girl

182. to the "make your own perfume" place?

183. Dad! The producers plan those dates.

184. He is so fruity. He's so fruity.

185. He's a one-man pride parade. Are you kidding me?

186. - He has more chemistry - Just stop it.

187. With Chris Harrison than any of those girls.

188. After this, I gotta show you something.

189. Okay? Let's watch The Americans.

190. Every single episode, you here next to me.

191. So your mother decided that we should make

192. each other anniversary presents this year.

193. You know, so they came from the heart, or some crap.

194. Anyway, I decided to come up with this bad boy.

195. Look at this.

196. I present to you, a Jack Spier production.

197. Wait, wait.

198. Look at that!

199. Oh, it's so good.

200. Look at this. Wait, wait, wait.

201. Yup. Okay.

202. What are you...

203. Look, this is your 20th anniversary,

204. so I'm gonna be super real with you right now.

205. This looks like a fourth grader made it.

206. And not even the smartest fourth grader in the class.

207. Just, like, a deeply average fourth grader.

208. What are you talking about? This is amazing.

209. I got fade-ins. I got dissolves.

210. - This is beautiful. - Get up for a second.

211. I'll help you. Trust me.

212. We can make this good. We just gotta put in...

213. you know, some home video.

214. Maybe put in some better music.

215. "Better music"? This was huge when we were young.

216. Yeah. So was Bill Cosby.

217. - Hey. - Have you seen the new post?

218. No. What? Oh, my God.

219. You know, I'm never getting back in that pool again.

220. Wait, no. About the closeted gay kid at school.

221. What?

222. Yeah, it's on CreekSecrets.

223. Who do you think it is?

224. I bet it's that sophomore with the rimless glasses.

225. I get a vibe.

226. - Actually. - Hmm.

227. Maybe it's Parker O'Malley

228. I've heard he's, like, obsessed with Les Mis.

229. Oh, gosh. Jeez. I gotta go.

230. Bieber just took a dump on the floor.

231. Aw, Beebs.

232. - Feed him some rice... - Can I call you back?

233. "Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel.

234. One minute I'm on top of the world,

235. and the next, I'm at rock bottom.

236. Over and over, all daylong.

237. Because a lot of my life is great,

238. but nobody knows I'm gay.

239. Blue."

240. Blue. Okay.

241. Dear Blue, I'm just like you.

242. For the most part, my life is totally normal.

243. My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback

244. who married the hot valedictorian.

245. And no, they didn't peak in high school.

246. I have a sister I actually like. Not that I'd ever tell her that.

247. And then, there's my friends.

248. We do everything friends do. We drink way too much...

249. So, like I said, I'm just like you.

250. I have a totally, perfectly normal fife.

251. Except I have one huge-ass secret.

252. Jacques.

253. Hey. Morning.

254. Nothin'.

255. Math is what we're talking about.

256. Can anyone answer for me how we find the value

257. of "d-y by d-x"

258. that I have written up on the board?

259. Does anyone want to... Yes! Simon.

260. Can I go to the bathroom?

261. Sure, it's fine.

262. Thanks.

263. Simon. Simon.

264. - Yeah. - Can I get some fries?

265. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah? Thanks.

266. I'm telling you, the Oakwood Tigers

267. score so many goals because they shave their legs.

268. Garrett, I'm not gonna shave my legs.

269. It makes their kicks more aerodynamic.

270. - We can just do extra burpees, man. - Whatever, Bram.

271. Guys, I just found a press-on nail in my salad.

272. Debbie.

273. Why is there no cell reception at this school?

274. I swear to God.

275. Simonay, Simonay. Hey.

276. What are you doing? You can't text in the halls.

277. How many times have I told you that?

278. I can't have all my students Tindering it up.

279. That's my department.

280. Right.

281. It actually is.

282. I got a really hot date on Tinder tonight.

283. She is cute!

284. "Ew! Vice principals can't go on dates. That's gross."

285. We're people too, Simon.

286. We like to go out. We like to have a good time.

287. We like to have sex. That's not a big deal, right?

288. Yeah, no. No biggie at all.

289. Actually, you know, I totally see you as a person.

290. - Thank you. I appreciate that. - Yeah.

291. - Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

292. - Seriously. - Yeah. Yeah.

293. Could I just get my phone though?

294. No. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to keep it

295. until after play practice.

296. But you will get your precious

297. - after play practice, okay? - I promise.

298. So how's play practice going?

299. - Great. Yeah, it's... - MR.How's Ms. Albright?

300. She's good.

301. MR. She's good? She doesn't like men.

302. Okay.

303. - Those aren't actual claps. - My hands are tired!

304. Okay! All right.

305. That was...

306. Cal, help me. That was...

307. That was a start?

308. That was a start! Is what it was.

309. That was a start.

310. You know, when Mr. Worth told me that no student,

311. regardless of talent...

312. was to be left out of my production, I had my doubts.

313. Yes, I did.

314. Yeah.

315. That's it. That's my whole speech.

316. Ms. Albright.

317. Hi.

318. That was the biggest train wreck our stage has ever seen.

319. And Rob and Brianne were practically

320. dry humping the whole song.

321. MS. Oh, I saw.

322. Save the kissing for the cast party. All right?

323. This is war. You're Nazis. Okay? More anger.

324. Suraj, stop pretending that trumpet is your penis!

325. My boy.

326. It is a rental.

327. I was an extra in The Lion King, and this is where I am.

328. Hey. What time is it?

329. Ten minutes since the last time you asked. Go.

330. One! Two! Three! Four!

331. MS.I will kill you.

332. Oy, yoy. Yoy, your. Yo!

333. - Mr. Worth. - Hey, what's up, my brother?

334. Hey, just here for my phone.

335. Oh, of course you are. Of course you are.

336. How'd you enjoy being unplugged?

337. It was great.

338. - Great, right? - Yeah.

339. This isn't life, man. This is plugged.

340. - This is unplugged. - Mm-hmm.

341. - Plugged. Unplugged. - Yep.

342. All right, Simon, I know that I'm hard on you. I really do.

343. Mm-hmm.

344. But it's only 'cause I really see myself in you.

345. Uh... You know, I don't know if I'd say that.

346. No, I see it, it's obvious. It's obvious.

347. I know there's a lot

348. going on there, man. Yup.

349. And I bet you got a lot of questions.

350. Is there something you wanna say to me?

351. No. You know my policy.

352. What does it say?

353. - "Open door. Open ears." - "Open door. Open ears."

354. There's nothing you want to say?

355. - Nope. - You sure?

356. Yeah. Okay.

357. - It's a great sign though. - Thank you.

358. Thank you. Now don't text and drive.

359. That's how my cat got murdered.

360. Okay.

361. I'm just kidding. I don't have cats. I got asthma.

362. A secret, huh?

363. Is it the same as my secret?

364. If it is, when did you know?

365. Have you told anyone? Blue.

366. Okay.

367. No, Blue. I haven't told anyone.

368. And, honestly, I can't even really exp/aim why.

369. Deep down, I know my family would be fine with it.

370. Hey, what rhymes with "patriarchy"?

371. That says "patriachy" though.

372. Oh, shit.

373. My mom's about as liberal as they come.

374. And my dad isn't exactly the macho type.

375. I mean, Creekwood's resident out-gay kid

376. seems to be doing just fine.

377. When Ethan came out, no one even cared.

378. Guys, I have something to tell you.

379. I'm gay.

380. Wow, really? That's really great, Ethan.

381. Oh, my God. No way.

382. Oh, my God, you are? I had no idea.

383. What a complete surprise!

384. Too much, Claire.

385. As for how I knew I was gay,

386. it was a bunch of little things.

387. Like this one recurring dream

388. I kept having about Daniel Radcliffe.

389. And then proceeded to have every night for a month.

390. I was obsessed with Panic! At the Disco.

391. I can't. He's so cute. He's so cute.

392. He's...

393. Come on, he's like Jesus and chocolate.

394. Just look at him.

395. Then I realized

396. it really wasn't about the music.

397. And then there was my firs! Girlfriend.

398. I think I'm falling in love with you.

399. Wow. Thank you. Be right back.

400. Wasn't my proudest moment.

401. How bout you? How did you know?

402. Warmly, Jacques.

403. Fondly, Jacques.

404. Jacques.

405. Jacques, don't worry.

406. If your proudest moment happened in middle school,

407. that would be pretty sad.

408. For me, I realized I liked guys

409. watching Game of Thrones.

410. My friends were all holding their breath

411. waiting lo see the Dragon Princess's boobs.

412. I was crushing hard on Jon Snow.

413. Well, I've never told anyone

414. about my Daniel Radcliffe phase so now we're even.

415. And for the record,

416. I think Jon Snow is an excellent choice

417. for your sexual awakening.

418. So I guess, if I want to find you at school

419. I just have to look for the Game of Thrones fanatic.

420. Wow.

421. I was just listening to that M83 song "Reunion,"

422. and it made me think of you.

423. You'll probably think my music taste is lame.

424. Kind of have the same taste as my Aunt Sally

425. who loves show tunes.

426. Obviously, some of the things I've told you about myself

427. are things I've never talked about with anyone.

428. There's something about you that makes me want to open up.

429. And that's slightly terrifying for me.

430. So I've been thinking,

431. maybe I should be Jon Snow for Halloween.

432. What about you? Who are you gonna be?

433. I'm not dressing up.

434. For me, Halloween's all about the Oreos

435. with the orange frosting in the middle.

436. - Hey, hey, he! - Hey.

437. Wow. Look at that smile. You're glowing, man.

438. No. You are glowing.

439. You look happy.

440. Oh, just regular.

441. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

442. Me too. I'm a little meh.

443. Why "meh"?

444. Oh, I had my big Tinder date last night. Oh, God.

445. She was not into it.

446. Al. All.

447. - Oh, come on. Too soon. - No.

448. The bell is a buzzkill.

449. - See you, Mr. Worth. - All right.

450. Well, thank you for your help, Fräulein.

451. You're welcome.

452. German accent for Cabaret. Yup. Take care, Ms. Bradley.

453. Ladies.

454. Let's see what you got, interwebs.

455. Here are your burnt tots, because you have horrible taste.

456. Here's your green banana,

457. because you like disgusting things.

458. - Mm-hm. - Wow, you guys are weird.

459. Yup. They're practically Cantonese twins.

460. Siamese. Yeah. Siamese.

461. Yeah, agree to disagree.

462. I don't think that's one of those

463. things where you can agree to disagree.

464. Agree. It's just right.

465. To each his own.

466. Oreos.

467. Man, I love those.

468. Halloween ones are the best, right?

469. Yeah.

470. Er, so, guys, I have great news.

471. My aunt's boyfriend

472. just took off with her car and all her jewelry.

473. Bram, that's terrible news!

474. I know, but it's like,

475. the third time it's happened to her.

476. She has really bad taste in men.

477. Anyways, my mom is going down to Orlando to deal with it

478. which means I get to throw a Halloween party.

479. Awesome! Yay!

480. Nice!

481. Thank you, Bram's dumb-ass aunt!

482. All right, this is gonna be epic, you guys.

483. I can bring my karaoke machine.

484. All right, hey, guys, Halloween party Friday night!

485. Friday night, Halloween party, okay? Bram's house!

486. - You really set this in motion, man. - I know, right?

487. Hey, little guy.

488. Me? Halloween party.

489. Friday night. Bram's house. Be there.

490. - You're gonna freak him out, man. - Yeah.

491. I know. He's, like, nine years old.

492. Very relieved that we're in agreement on Oreos.

493. That would have been a deal-breaker for me.

494. On a totally different, non-cookie related note...

495. is it weird that I have no idea what you look like,

496. but I can't stop thinking about kissing you.

497. Simon. Simon.

498. Eyes on your own test.

499. Don't stop on my account, Rob and Brianne.

500. That's the most action I've seen in weeks.

501. What do we got here? Ah! When we're done, it's gonna look

502. like a real German sex club. Don't ask me how I know.

503. Hey! Hey!

504. The spray paint is for painting, not for huffing.

505. You don't want to get good at that.

506. Okay, do you guys think I should dye my hair Grey

507. - to play Fraulein Schneider? - Sure.

508. Really? But my hair is kind of like my thing.

509. I'm gonna go get a soda.

510. Do you want anything?

511. - No. - MS.You disgust me.

512. Simon! Hey, hey, hey.

513. - Hey, Martin. - Buddy.

514. Hey, urn, I used the computer in the library right after you.

515. Okay. Mm-hmm.

516. Well, I went to Gmail, and it pulled up your account.

517. And I, uh, read some of your emails.

518. I know I probably shouldn't've,

519. but they were, like, right there.

520. So you'll be interested to know my brother's gay.

521. No. Martin, that wouldn't interest me to know.

522. Okay. Don'! Worry. I won't show anyone.

523. Show anyone what?

524. Did you print my emails or something?

525. Oh, no, no.

526. I screenshot them.

527. - You screenshotted my emails? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

528. Let me talk to you for a second.

529. - Oh, Ms. Bradley. - Hello, Martin.

530. - Did you feather your hair? - No, Martin. Shh.

531. Looking good, huh?

532. This is a good section.

533. Jeez.

534. Now, why the hell did you screenshot my emails?

535. Ah, well, you and Abby Susso are good friends. Right?

536. Yeah. We know each other.

537. What does that have to do with anything?

538. Well, I need you to help me talk with her...

539. and hang outwith her and stuff, you know?

540. Why would I help you do that?

541. Are you blackmailing me?

542. Oh, shh! Okay. Don't be so dramatic here, Simon.

543. Sup, Tyler?

544. What's up, Tyler? Is that a Patagonia?

545. Nice. I just like her.

546. And I think that you could help me.

547. Yeah, what if I say no, Martin? I mean, what are you gonna do?

548. You gonna tell the whole school that I'm...

549. You're gonna leak my emails?

550. You're gonna post 'em on CreekSecrets?

551. I just think that we're in a position here,

552. where we could help each other out is all.

553. So think about it.

554. Good talk.

555. You know, I never thought of a pepper

556. as being a vegetable...

557. but it makes perfect sense.

558. I like the cilantro. A little Mexican flair, huh?

559. Very creative, kiddo.

560. You hate the peppers. Don't you?

561. No. The peppers are great.

562. I'm just gonna get some air.

563. Jacques, I have to get something off my chest

564. The other day, you asked me what I was wearing for Halloween

565. and I said I wasn't dressing up.

566. I lied. Truth is,

567. I didn't want you to know what I was wearing

568. because I don't want you to know who lam.

569. Right now, these emails, they feel like

570. this totally safe place.

571. I'm just not ready for my whole world to change.

572. I hope you understand.

573. Yes, Blue. I understand.

574. Okay, if you want me to help you with Abby,

575. you cannot eat that.

576. So you're gonna help me?

577. Yeah.

578. Simon, that is fantastic news.

579. I really think that Abby and I are meant to be together.

580. Really? Do you? Mm-hmm.

581. It's not all about looks, Simon.

582. Okay. So you're banking on your great,

583. blackmaily personality to get the job done?

584. Where are we going?

585. Your place.

586. We're gonna see if you have anything

587. that doesn't scream "punch me."

588. Actually, I've got swim lessons.

589. Cancel it!

590. Okay, I just have to call my mom first.

591. She has to approve everybody that comes in the house.

592. All right. Here we go.

593. All right. And here we are.

594. This is where the magic happens.

595. Wow.

596. Ooh. Correction.

597. This is where the magic happens.

598. I've been dabbling in close-up illusions.

599. Does Abby like magic?

600. No. Martin, I don't think she does like magic.

601. But, um, there's a really thin line

602. between laughing with someone, and laughing at someone.

603. And you are that line.

604. So, if you want Abby to like you,

605. what you have to do is you have to

606. make her see you as more of a...

607. As sexy Martin!

608. Yeah! Yeah, I could be sexy.

609. You like dudes. Tell me.

610. What part of me do you find the hottest?

611. - No. I'm not doing this. - No. Come on.

612. No, Martin. I don't want to answer that.

613. Look, if you said my shoulders

614. I would dress to accentuate. You know?

615. You know what? Here's your first tip.

616. Ripped.

617. Girls,

618. they don't want to read your clothes.

619. I think you're wrong about that one.

620. - How many of these do you have? - Hey, can you...

621. Please, just stop! Hey! Stop!

622. Look, I don't want your help in changing me.

623. I want your help in getting Abby to like me for me.

624. Look. Um...

625. there's a party this Saturday. At Bram's.

626. Do you want to go with my friends and I?

627. Yes!

628. Yes! So simple.

629. Must be why they call you Simple Simon.

630. Nobody calls me that, Martin.

631. Hey, uh, do you want to, like, sleep over?

632. Nope.

633. Oh, hello.

634. Hey, what's up?

635. - Nice, right? - Nick.

636. Good?

637. This is, like, a new level of laziness, even fur you.

638. What do you mean? I'm Cristiano Ronaldo.

639. And you couldn't even be bothered

640. to fill in the letters on the back?

641. No, come on. Give me that.

642. You are a bully.

643. Hey. Don't talk about Yoko that way, man.

644. Because if you do, you're out of the band.

645. Who are you guys supposed to be?

646. John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

647. Oh! I thought she was the girl from The Ring,

648. and you were Jesus.

649. Jesus? No. Why would Jesus be wearing a white suit?

650. I don't know. You tell me.

651. You're the one who decided to dress up like fancy Jesus.

652. Oh, my God. Okay. Come here.

653. - Turn around. - I'm here.

654. - Turn around. - Okay.

655. Okay. Way better. Is it good? Is it?

656. Yeah. Now, we need to do something about this hair.

657. Maybe slick it back?

658. It doesn't do that. It doesn't slick back.

659. Wonder Woman in the hizzy!

660. Hi!

661. I made up a catchphrase,

662. 'cause Wonder Woman doesn't have one.

663. "Hizzy" means house.

664. - Yeah. - Yeah.

665. - Right. Yeah. - Yeah.

666. Oh, Abby, you look amazing.

667. Thank you!

668. Yeah. You look awesome.

669. I'm gonna go make those frozen pizzas.

670. - All right. - Yeah, I'll help.

671. That's a nice costume, for real.

672. Thank you. What? Cristiano Ronaldo!

673. Nailed it.

674. Do you remember when we went to school

675. dressed as Charlie's Angels?

676. Oh, my God, yes.

677. And Nick's balls fell out of his booty shorts

678. when he, like, dropped down to do the gun pose?

679. Mm. Do you miss trick-or-treating?

680. What, you mean instead of, like, going to loud parties

681. pretending to like the taste of beer

682. and feeling too self-conscious to dance?

683. I don't know why you feel self-conscious.

684. I mean,

685. you are very clearly the coolest person at our school.

686. I'm pretty sure you're the only one who feels that way.

687. But thank you.

688. Who's that?

689. I invited Martin.

690. Martin Addison? Why?

691. Is this a Make-A-Wish situation?

692. No, he's cool.

693. Hey.

694. Oh, looking sharp.

695. What the...

696. - Guys. - What are you supposed to be?

697. Isn't it obvious?

698. Ah! I'm a Freudian slip.

699. Abby. Wonder Woman.

700. Just pick a song already.

701. Hey, Nick, uh, can you not rush me?

702. Honestly, I can't choose. There's so many.

703. That's like Netflix.

704. You know, trying to pick a film on Netflix.

705. I'm like... "Am I in an Apatow mood,

706. or am I in a Billy Wilder mood?" You know?

707. Ooh, play Drake. Yes.

708. Uh, no. Drake is, like, super played out at this point.

709. You can't play out a rap god. Doesn't happen.

710. Impossible. First of all,

711. he's not a rap god.

712. And second of all, I'm looking for some Beyoncé.

713. Oh. I just can't find "Lemonade."

714. Hey. Here's an interesting question.

715. I love Beyoncé.

716. What makes you guys feel nostalgic?

717. You do?

718. I mean, I think everybody kinda likes Beyoncé.

719. Minds grape soda makes me feel very nostalgic.

720. What are you talking about? What makes you feel nostalgic?

721. Hey, Abby.

722. I bet you're gonna have the best costume tonight.

723. - Thanks. - Nah, you're welcome.

724. What the hell, Spier?

725. Hey, why is Nick still flirting with Abby?

726. I don't know, Martin.

727. Maybe you shouldn't have worn a dress.

728. You look like a drag queen

729. rolled around in magnetic poetry.

730. Hey, Abby!

731. Whenever you need a refill of your drink,

732. I'll be your designated bartender.

733. So don't worry.

734. Okay. Hey, Chloe, come here!

735. Yo, yo, yo!

736. Hey. John Lennon?

737. - Yeah. You got it. - Nice.

738. And, um, Nick you're...

739. You're Nick.

740. No. No. I'm Ronaldo.

741. - Oh, My bad. - Obviously.

742. Who are you supposed to be?

743. Oh. Uh... I am post-presidency Barack Obama.

744. So I'm just chillin' in Hawaii, drinking Mai Tais,

745. writing memoirs and hoping Trump doesn't destroy my legacy.

746. That's awesome.

747. Thanks. Now let's go to the bar. Come on.

748. Yeah.

749. Hell yeah.

750. All right, we should have a little toast.

751. No, thanks. I'm driving. And Simon doesn't really drink.

752. No, I drink. It's cool. I drink.

753. - All right, that's my man. - Really?

754. You wouldn't even have a glass of Manischewitz at Leah's Seder.

755. No, it's Halloween, man. It's a special occasion.

756. True that.

757. Cheers.

758. You Okay?

759. You're good at this. You got this.

760. Abby is the hottest Wonder Woman I have ever seen.

761. Yeah.

762. The shit that I would let her do to me with that lasso.

763. Oh, I know, man.

764. Just, like, tie me up with that thing.

765. You're not into Abby, are you?

766. No, no, no.

767. I mean, it's not like I... She's cute...

768. Yeah. but she's just

769. not really my type.

770. Not because she's black. I love black women.

771. Not like, you know, I have a thing for black women,

772. I just love all women.

773. Oh, oh. Oh! Oh!

774. Oh, hey. Hey! Oh, hey.

775. Hey. Mm.

776. - I'm gonna go ask her out. - What? No.

777. - No? No? - No.

778. - You can't ask Abby out. - Why not?

779. Because. She didn't tell you about Jonathan?

780. - She didn't tell you about that? - No

781. He's older.

782. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In college.

783. He's really experienced.

784. You know I've only had sex once, right?

785. I know that.

786. You know, it's like no one tells you

787. how dark everything is

788. and how slippery everything gets, and, you know,

789. the pans you think are the right parts

790. are actually the wrong parts and...

791. All right, I'm gonna go eat my feelings away.

792. Man, I'm sorry...

793. No, it's okay. Don't worry about it.

794. Whoa, whoa.

795. - Hey, Simon! - Hey.

796. Hey, you wanna play Beirut?

797. Yeah. Sure.

798. We just need two more people.

799. How about you and me, and then, um...

800. Let me pour. I insist.

801. Abby and Martin?

802. Okay, cool. Hey, Martin.

803. Yeah. Abby.

804. Let's play Beirut.

805. No, I don't... Yeah. Let's do it.

806. Come on, let's go. It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

807. Good old competition.

808. Ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

809. Beirut. Right?

810. Yes!

811. Okay. Have you ever played Beirut before?

812. Uh, totally. Yeah.

813. Great. All right, so, two reracks, no blowing

814. and two balls in the cup means

815. that you have to take three, okay?

816. Okay. Cool.

817. I thought we were talking about a different game.

818. We'll just explain as we go. Okay?

819. - Yeah. - Okay. Got it.

820. Ready?

821. Maybe you should take these...

822. Oh.

823. You'll see better.

824. Right? Good idea. Yeah.

825. - All you. - Raindrop!

826. Here we go, all right. You got this one.

827. Oh, is that... This is mine to drink?

828. God.

829. Oh!

830. All right.

831. Chug! Chug! Chug!

832. Do we need a handshake? Is that...

833. You get one of these in

834. and we can totally have a handshake.

835. Fly it away. Fly it away.

836. Chug, chug, chug.

837. - Sweet! - All right.

838. Hey, Bram. It's me, Jacques.

839. Hey, Bram. I'm Jacques.

840. Hey, Barack. It's me, Jacques.

841. Why did I pick Jacques?

842. Yeah, no problem.

843. Oh.

844. I'm sorry, I thought this was the bathroom.

845. Sorry.

846. - I'm starting to get so tired! - I am so tired.

847. Hey, Martin, not now, man. All right? I've had a big night.

848. Oh!

849. Really? Really?

850. I'm sorry.

851. Come on!

852. - What are you doing? - I don't know.

853. Okay, come on. We gotta get you home.

854. Look, we're so close!

855. Oh, my God!

856. Wait, what?

857. Dude, my parents are still up.

858. Oh, God.

859. Oh... Okay, you know what...

860. Come on.

861. I need you to think of something really sad...

862. Uh-huh.

863. Like, the documentary about how all the whales

864. hate living at SeaWorld.

865. Too sad!

866. God. Okay, then just, you know what,

867. don't say anything at all...

868. And we'll ditch the barf shirt till tomorrow.

869. Okay.

870. Si? Yeah.

871. Just as little as possible,

872. say as little as possible.

873. So how does that work?

874. I know, I remember when I went to...

875. Hey, guys!

876. Hey! Hey!

877. Come talk to us. Hey!

878. How was the party? It was really fun.

879. - Was it? - Yeah.

880. Aces.

881. Huh.

882. Uh, well. Thanks for letting me stay over.

883. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

884. You've been staying over 10 years.

885. You don't have to thank us.

886. Oh. Yeah, thanks.

887. Stop. Shh!

888. John Lennon was wearing a woman's sweater.

889. Mm. And he's drunk.

890. Definitely. So how do we feel about that?

891. Well, he didn't drive drunk,

892. and he's home before curfew, so...

893. Good. That's what I thought we thought.

894. Yeah, that's what we think, right?

895. Yeah. We're good parents.

896. Yeah, we're good parents. Right?

897. The room stopped spinning.

898. Do you ever feel weird?

899. - Weird? - Yeah.

900. Sometimes I feel like I'm always on the outside.

901. What do you mean?

902. Like tonight, you know...

903. I was at that party, and it was fun, but...

904. it kinda felt like I was

905. watching it from across the room.

906. I don't know, there's this invisible line

907. that I have to cross to really be a part of everything

908. and I just, I can't ever cross it.

909. I feel that way sometimes, too.

910. Not tonight you didn't.

911. Yeah, I was trying something.

912. Yeah, sometimes I think it'd be so much easier

913. to be one of these people who can just take a few shots

914. and then hook up with whoever's closest.

915. Yeah, I guess I'm just unlucky.

916. Unlucky?

917. Why?

918. Because I'm not a casual person.

919. What kind of person are you?

920. I think I'm the kind of person who is destined to care so much

921. about one person, it nearly kills me.

922. Me too.

923. It's getting late.

924. Si?

925. Yeah?

926. Good night.

927. Good night.

928. Dear Blue,

929. so one of my friends likes the other,

930. and he has no idea. I guess we all have secrets.

931. Anyway, I've been thinking about why I haven't come out yet.

932. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem fair

933. that only gay people have to come out.

934. Why is straight the default?

935. I have something I need to tell you.

936. Mom, there's something I have to tell you.

937. Can we talk?

938. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

939. I'm straight.

940. I'm sorry, Mom, it's true.

941. I like girls.

942. I like men.

943. You get that from your daddy's side.

944. I'm in love with Nick.

945. I feel like I've been raising a stranger.

946. Yes, absolutely, you have.

947. I'm heterosexual.

948. Oh, God. Help me, Jesus. Please.

949. Or maybe it's because I can't be sure

950. this whole "being gay" thing is forever.

951. Or maybe it's that there's not that much

952. of high school left and pan of me wants to hold on to

953. who I've always been just a little longer.

954. And then, when I go to college in Los Angeles,

955. I'll be gay and proud, I promise.

956. Yeah, maybe not that gay.

957. I'm not sure who I'm promising.

958. I'll keep ruminating.

959. Love, Jacques.

960. Shit!

961. So, yeah, after swimming with dolphins,

962. we fly to Saint Martin for New Year's.

963. Anybody else, Christmas in the Caribbean?

964. Staying here.

965. We have a classic Spier tradition

966. of French toast on Christmas Eve.

967. I'm going to an unheated vacation house

968. in the middle of nowhere.

969. As is our bleak family tradition.

970. Ow! Ow!

971. Oh, man. Oh. You okay?

972. Oh, yeah, that's a paper cut.

973. Overdramatic.

974. Um, Simon, do you know where the bandages are?

975. Yeah. They're just in the supply closet.

976. Okay, do you mind showing me?

977. Be right back.

978. He's like a nurse, this man.

979. Okay, I don't actually have a paper cut.

980. I know that, Martin. You're a very bad actor.

981. What, you think this is funny?

982. Simon, look, I don't wanna have to

983. leak your emails, all right? But I will.

984. Look, you cannot bring Blue into this, okay?

985. If he found out that my emails got leaked,

986. he'd get totally freaked, all right?

987. He'd never talk to me again.

988. Yeah, probably not, you know?

989. The Internet's a freaky place to meet people.

990. - Yo. - Hey!

991. Hey!

992. Fun movie! Freak. Freaky Friday.

993. That's a fun movie! Freaky, freak, freaky.

994. You guys are weird.

995. I need a Band-Aid. Those programs are a bitch.

996. Erm, yo. Martin was having trouble running his lines

997. and we were thinking we could go to Waffle House and go over 'em.

998. - Really? - Yeah.

999. That would be great.

1000. I'm insky.

1001. - Good work, Spier. - Go to hell, Martin.

1002. Jacques, if I were a betting man,

1003. I'd say you were drunk emailing me during that last letter.

1004. Don't worry. I liked it.

1005. As for coming out, I know what you mean

1006. about wanting to waft till college.

1007. But our emails have inspired me.

1008. I'm going to tell my family. So thanks, Jacques.

1009. Love, Blue.

1010. Yeah.

1011. Hey!

1012. - Madame. - Oh.

1013. Simon...

1014. How the thespians rehearse, right?

1015. Hey, guys.

1016. What can I get you?

1017. Lyle! You guys know Lyle? We have Latin together.

1018. I don't think so.

1019. Hi. How's it going?

1020. Actually, we had Bio together last year?

1021. - Oh, really? - It's Simon, right?

1022. Yeah. Yeah, sorry, I don't, um...

1023. It's okay. It was like a big class,

1024. and I have a good memory for faces.

1025. What can I get you guys?

1026. Well, we plan on being here for a while.

1027. So, we're gonna start off small and go larger.

1028. Probably get some bacon first, some sausage. I'd say...

1029. "You're right. I'm much too strange and extraordinary.

1030. Much! And much too distracting!"

1031. Wow.

1032. And you never did any acting at your old school?

1033. No. Can we get back to...

1034. And yet, you're from D.C., right?

1035. Yeah. Can you give me my next cue, though?

1036. So why did you move here?

1037. Because my parents got divorced

1038. and my aunt found us an apartment in her building.

1039. - Why'd they get divorced? - Why dues it matter, Martin?

1040. Are you writing a book about girls

1041. from a broken home in D.C.?

1042. So?

1043. I thought that my dad

1044. was the greatest person on the planet.

1045. But it turns out that he's just a sad, tired loser

1046. who hates his job, drinks way too much beer,

1047. and cheats on his wife.

1048. To make up for all the stuff that I just mentioned, so...

1049. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

1050. Yeah.

1051. You deserve the father that you thought you had.

1052. You know what, Abby?

1053. You deserve a goddamn superhero.

1054. Okay, thank you. Let's get back to the...

1055. Say it.

1056. What?

1057. I wanna hear you say,

1058. "I, Abby Susso, am an incredible young woman

1059. and deserve a goddamn superhero."

1060. I'm not gonna say that, Martin.

1061. Okay. Well, um...

1062. I won't stop until you say it.

1063. Okay.

1064. What are you... Excuse me.

1065. - Waffle House patrons! - Martin. Martin, stop.

1066. - Pardon the interruption. - Martin.

1067. I would just like to say that Abby Susso here

1068. is an incredible young woman.

1069. Martin, please.

1070. And deserves a goddamn superhero.

1071. - Okay, okay... - That's right. Abby Susso!

1072. Abby Susso I'm Abby Susso!

1073. - Is an incredible young woman! - I'm Abby Susso!

1074. Incredible young woman, and deserves...

1075. A goddamn superhero. A goddamn superhero.

1076. A goddamn superhero! A goddamn superhero!

1077. A goddamn superhero!

1078. Yeah.

1079. All right.

1080. Breakthrough. Yeah.

1081. Okay, you can all go back to your meals. Thank you.

1082. Please sit down. Please.

1083. Well...

1084. Well, let's get back to...

1085. my entrance into your song. I'm gonna take five.

1086. "Ah, the Kit Kat Klub proudly presents...

1087. I'll be right back.

1088. a beautiful woman coming straight from England."

1089. Sally Bow/es, everybody."

1090. Hey.

1091. Were you in Bio when they did that identifying leaves test?

1092. Yes. And Joel Winslow ate that poison ivy.

1093. Because Doug Fogerty told him it was pot.

1094. - Right. - Poor Joel.

1095. I think he just wants to be liked 'cause...

1096. you ever notice that he has extra pens in his backpack?

1097. Like, you know, he's just waiting for the day

1098. that someone comes up to ask him for a pen?

1099. And then he can be that guy to give 'em a pen.

1100. You see everything, don't you, Simon?

1101. I don't know.

1102. But Simon means "the one who hears"

1103. and Spier means "the one who sees"

1104. so you put that all together

1105. and pretty sure that means I was just destined

1106. to be up in everybody's business.

1107. I've gotta get back inside

1108. and scrub down some waffle irons.

1109. - Duty calls. - Indeed.

1110. I'll see you in there.

1111. Yeah, I'll see ya.

1112. Hi.

1113. So my dad's flying in tonight for Hanukkah.

1114. If you are thinking,

1115. "But Hanukkah isn't for another month!"

1116. Well, you are correct.

1117. Welcome to navigating divorced parents.

1118. Take holidays where you can get them.

1119. And my dad's staying at the same crappy motel as always.

1120. Well do all our horribly awkward traditions.

1121. Well light the menorah and I'll silently pray

1122. that the sprinklers don't go off.

1123. That's happened twice before.

1124. Would you believe I'm considering doubling down

1125. and turning this whole awkward mess

1126. into a coming out thing?

1127. Do you think I'm crazy?

1128. No, Blue, I don't think you're crazy.

1129. I think you're crazy brave.

1130. Honestly, Martin used to annoy the crap out of me.

1131. But he's actually kind of a cool person.

1132. I've been meaning to ask you about your parents.

1133. I just didn't wanna say anything

1134. when we were actually in the restaurant.

1135. I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it.

1136. Yeah' No, I don't mention it a lot

1137. because it kind of messes with my image.

1138. What kind of image?

1139. The girl who is excited to start a new school senior year.

1140. Girl whose life didn't just end, like, three months ago,

1141. who's angry and sad all the time.

1142. Girl who still believes in love.

1143. Come on. You still believe in love.

1144. Maybe.

1145. Have you ever been in love?

1146. I think so.

1147. Abby.

1148. Yeah?

1149. I'm gay.

1150. Oh.

1151. You can't tell anyone though.

1152. Nobody really knows,

1153. and I don't really want people to find out.

1154. I won't. I promise.

1155. Okay.

1156. You surprised?

1157. No.

1158. - So you knew? - No.

1159. But you're not surprised?

1160. Do you want me to be surprised?

1161. I don't know.

1162. Okay.

1163. Well, I love you.

1164. So...

1165. Love you, too.

1166. There's no one behind us.

1167. You don't have to put your blinker on.

1168. - Okay, just being safe. - Yeah.

1169. Dear Blue, I hope it goes okay with your dad.

1170. Whatever happens, you inspired me.

1171. I came out to my friend tonight.

1172. And I never would have done that without you.

1173. Maybe we should ride this bravery train

1174. and reveal our identities.

1175. I'm dying to know who you are. Love, Jacques.

1176. Hold my dad.

1177. It was insanely awkward. But also, kind of fine.

1178. And you got it backwards.

1179. It's you who inspires me.

1180. But I'm sorry,

1181. I'm just not ready for us to know each other's identities.

1182. Love, Blue.

1183. Hey! What are you doing? I'm a fry shark!

1184. Yeah!

1185. That is good. You're a good fry shark.

1186. Thank you, thank you. I like that.

1187. I didn't even know you were coming near.

1188. You know what day it is? What day is it?

1189. Must be Friday!

1190. Oh!

1191. I guess I'm being loved, right? Right?

1192. Yeah. Excuse me.

1193. Hey, what do you get when you get black and Jewish?

1194. - What? - Bluish.

1195. That's mean. Simon?

1196. Since when does Abby find Martin so goddamn funny?

1197. Yeah, it's crazy.

1198. You know, this is stupid.

1199. I'm just gonna tell her that I like her.

1200. And I've been thinking

1201. the whole sexual experience thing,

1202. it's not that big of a deal.

1203. And, actually, I've been practicing, right?

1204. I got this thing online. It's really cool.

1205. It's called a pocket puss... Abby likes Martin.

1206. She told me herself.

1207. But he's Martin. I know.

1208. Look, I don't care. I'm gonna try.

1209. Hey, wait, wait. What about Leah?

1210. What about Leah?

1211. Dude.

1212. Leah's in love with you.

1213. No, she's not.

1214. Are you kidding me?

1215. I mean, come on. The way she looks at you

1216. and how she's been all jealous ever since Abby's been around?

1217. And she blushes every time you come into the room.

1218. Look, you and Abby...

1219. it's never gonna happen.

1220. But you and Leah...

1221. I mean, you could be incredible together.

1222. - Hey. - What's up?

1223. So I have something to tell you.

1224. Nick just asked me to get dinner before the homecoming game.

1225. Okay.

1226. No, like, Si, he was like...

1227. He came up to me and he's like, "Do you wanna go get dinner?"

1228. All right, and I was like,

1229. "Sure, are Abby and Simon in?" And he was like

1230. "I was thinking it could just be the two of us. Like, a date."

1231. That's amazing.

1232. It is?

1233. Yeah.

1234. Leah, come on.

1235. I know you're into him.

1236. What?

1237. All that stuff that you were talking about

1238. the night after Bram's party, about,

1239. you know, being so into one person

1240. that it almost kills you.

1241. You were talking about Nick.

1242. Uh...

1243. So you think I should go out with him?

1244. Yes. Yes.

1245. Okay.

1246. Yeah? Yeah!

1247. I promise you, you're not gonna regret it.

1248. It's gonna be great!

1249. Let's pull out your claws, Grizzlies!

1250. Oh!

1251. Simon, that Almont QB is insanely hot.

1252. We can talk about stuff like this now, you know.

1253. Yeah, I still don't know

1254. if I really quite figured out how.

1255. - Seriously? - Yeah.

1256. We gotta practice. All right. Simon.

1257. Yeah? Do you think

1258. that quarterback is lookin' fine in those hot pants?

1259. He's lookin' pretty fine.

1260. No. No. No.

1261. Fine! Good. Put your body into it.

1262. Fine!

1263. That was really good.

1264. That was so good. Thanks.

1265. Hey, check it out. It's the Waffle House guy.

1266. Oh, yeah.

1267. Whoa.

1268. Lyle? I don't know. Could be.

1269. I don't know. Do you think he's...

1270. I don't know.

1271. Okay, well, you should talk to him.

1272. I'm gonna go get a coffee. Look, you are fine!

1273. You got this.

1274. Hi.

1275. Hey. If it isn't my favorite waiter.

1276. Ah, there he is. The guy who sees everything.

1277. Yeah.

1278. Hey, I wouldn't have taken you for a homecoming guy.

1279. Oh, just here for the coffee.

1280. Of course. Yeah, it's all about the cappuccinos

1281. and camaraderie for this guy.

1282. I'm glad you're here.

1283. You are?

1284. Yeah.

1285. 'Cause I wanted to ask you something.

1286. I was gonna ask you the other day

1287. and then I was, like, too chickenshit.

1288. What's Abby's deal?

1289. I know you and her hang out a lot.

1290. Are the two of you like a thing, or...

1291. No.

1292. No, uh, we're just friends.

1293. I could never be just friends with someone that hot.

1294. Yeah! Every day is a struggle.

1295. I gotta go. I'll see ya.

1296. Hey! You!

1297. Little birdie told me you're into bears!

1298. Dude! It's me!

1299. I'm the Creekwood bear.

1300. Of course you are.

1301. Thank you.

1302. Not a compliment.

1303. Hey, um... I figured out my next move with Abby.

1304. Great, that's good for you, Martin.

1305. I just wanted to run it by you real quick.

1306. No, Martin, look.

1307. I've been helping you for weeks

1308. and I am sick and tired of helping you

1309. mess with my friends' lives.

1310. So why don't you just do that shit

1311. that you did at Waffle House?

1312. That went great.

1313. So you're saying I should go for it?

1314. It's kind of a big gesture.

1315. Go big or go home! Right, Martin?

1316. Go big or go home.

1317. I like that. Thanks for the pep talk, man!

1318. Gotta get amped up.

1319. Come on!

1320. MR. We're gonna take ya!

1321. Ethan!

1322. I didn't know you like football.

1323. He's just here to check out the packages.

1324. Didn't your mother ever tell you

1325. not to grab your micropenis in public?

1326. Could we get some hummus for that baby carrot?

1327. Shut up, man.

1328. Hey, guys. What's up? Hey.

1329. How was dinner?

1330. It was good.

1331. Yeah, uh, we got soup dumplings.

1332. That dumpling place I told you about?

1333. Yeah.

1334. You know, maybe you could go with Martin.

1335. Why would I go with Martin?

1336. Please stand for the national anthem.

1337. This goes out to all the refugees.

1338. And my vocal coach, Monica Lewis.

1339. Yeah!

1340. What the hell are you doing?

1341. Sorry. Hi.

1342. Hi, everyone. Uh, sorry to interrupt.

1343. Why are we interrupting the national anthem?

1344. But I have something to say...

1345. that's a little more important than the national anthem.

1346. No offense, America.

1347. Abigail Katherine Susso...

1348. when you transferred to Creekwood High School,

1349. just a short three and a half months ago,

1350. you not only transferred into a new school,

1351. you transferred your way into a new heart

1352. belonging to me. My heart. Right here.

1353. And whether It was being your partner in pong,

1354. or your Waffle House warrior,

1355. I have cherished...

1356. the 135,300 minutes that we've spent together.

1357. Oh, I'm sorry.

1358. 135,301 minutes.

1359. And I know that you're this smart, talented

1360. perfect creature.

1361. And, uh, I'm just a sweaty schlub in a bear costume.

1362. But like old Bogie used to say,

1363. it's a "crazy mixed-up world."

1364. So, Abby,

1365. without further ado...

1366. will you go out with me?

1367. She's too hot for you, assface!

1368. Excuse me. Sorry.

1369. Just say yes. Say yes.

1370. Martin...

1371. I am so sorry.

1372. I don't feel that way about you.

1373. You don't?

1374. No.

1375. But I really like hanging out with you

1376. and I don't know, maybe we could still be friends, you know?

1377. Yeah, uh...

1378. Are those doves?

1379. No, no, hey, hey! Suraj!

1380. Hey! No, no! She said no! No, don't.

1381. Yo, I thought you said she liked him.

1382. Not the ceremonious dove launch I was hoping for.

1383. But still uplifting to free some birds.

1384. Yeah.

1385. Okay, uh...

1386. Enjoy' the game.

1387. Nice try, Martin! And way to go, Martin!

1388. You gave it a shot! Right?

1389. That was terrible.

1390. Don't worry, people will gel over it in a few weeks.

1391. This is Donald J. Trump.

1392. Martin Addison can'! Come to the phone right now.

1393. Hey, Martin, it's Simon. Again.

1394. Um, look, I wanna make sure you're doing all right.

1395. I know it's been tough since, uh...

1396. Well, you know since when. Um, listen. Just...

1397. Just give me a call back, okay?

1398. I just wanna make sure you're okay.

1399. Hey! What you doin' in there?

1400. Really?

1401. I need you to help me decorate. Untangle these for me, will ya?

1402. This is not cool. I'll be down in a minute, okay?

1403. - What's not cool? - I'll be down in a minute.

1404. The fact that you're on a ladder next to my room!

1405. I can still clearly see you.

1406. All right, there you go. Okay. Merry Christmas.

1407. Jacques,

1408. I'm drinking eggnog and packing to go to my dad's cabin

1409. on Lake Rabun.

1410. I'm pretty sure there's a photo of it on the Wikipedia page

1411. for "middle of nowhere."

1412. Middle of nowhere.

1413. I'm going to an unheated vacation house

1414. in the middle of nowhere.

1415. Oh, shit.

1416. There's barely electricity and definitely no cell service

1417. so this will be my last email for a while.

1418. It should be a real rite of passage.

1419. A dad and his gay son pretending they like

1420. to fish and trying to find things to talk about.

1421. It's gonna to be an excruciating two weeks

1422. without you, Jacques. Love, Blue.

1423. Sounds like you're gonna need some good music.

1424. So I'm sending a list of the seven best

1425. Christmas songs of all time.

1426. Of course it includes David Howie's

1427. "Little Drummer Boy,"

1428. and Smokey Robinson & The Miracles'

1429. "Christmas Everyday,"

1430. but the number one song you're gonna need,

1431. and trust me, I know this sounds a little bit twee...

1432. - Si, have you seen it? - Hey.

1433. Seen what?

1434. CreekSecrets.

1435. You need lo look at your computer right away.

1436. Dear fellow Creekwood students,

1437. Simon Spier has a secret male pen pal.

1438. Because he's gay.

1439. Interested parties may contact him directly

1440. to discuss arrangements for butt sex.

1441. Ladies need not apply.

1442. We should all probably be talking about this

1443. instead of Martin Addison's homecoming debacle

1444. which was actually kind of sweet,

1445. and romantic, if you think about it.

1446. Sincerely, Anonymous.

1447. Si, have you read it?

1448. I can't talk right now.

1449. - No. Si, wait! - I gotta go.

1450. Si?

1451. I saw it.

1452. I already reported it. They're gonna take it down.

1453. It's too late.

1454. No, there's people who've already seen it, so...

1455. it doesn't really matter.

1456. It's true.

1457. I'm... I'm gay.

1458. Oh...

1459. So what are you gonna do?

1460. I don't know.

1461. You could deny it.

1462. Why the hell would I deny it, Nora?

1463. I'm not ashamed of it.

1464. You've just never really said anything.

1465. So what?

1466. What does that have to do with anything?

1467. What the hell are you talking about?

1468. Sorry.

1469. I know you're going off the grid and you won't see

1470. this until you're back, but something's happened.

1471. You're gonna find out who I am.

1472. And someone posted our emails.

1473. Please don't freak out. Please, Blue.

1474. I need you to promise me you won'! Disappear.

1475. Let me open my present.

1476. Honey, I'm trying to tell you you need to shave.

1477. Does that mean you're gonna keep cooking?

1478. Yeah, of course. I can make dinner tonight, too.

1479. - Awesome. - What's this for?

1480. Oh!

1481. This one, Sherlock. There you go.

1482. What is it?

1483. Bluetooth headphones.

1484. Do you like the black? Oh, I love it.

1485. Because I didn't know if you liked...

1486. This is great.

1487. They have other colors. He said he likes it.

1488. No, I love it. Okay. I have the receipt.

1489. He's good.

1490. Actually, I did want to talk to you guys about something.

1491. What is it?

1492. Uh, well...

1493. Let me guess...

1494. you got somebody pregnant.

1495. No, you're pregnant.

1496. - Yeah. Yeah, I'm pregnant. - I knew it.

1497. He's got that glow about him, baby.

1498. - Honey. - No. Uh...

1499. I'm gay.

1500. Honey.

1501. And I don't want you guys to think anything different.

1502. I'm still me.

1503. Of course you are.

1504. Oh, Simon. Yeah.

1505. So you're gay?

1506. Which one of your old girlfriends turned ya?

1507. Was it the one with the big eyebrow...

1508. - Jack. - Jesus Christ.

1509. Dad, can you ever shut the hell up?

1510. I'm kidding.

1511. - It's not funny. - I'm kidding, Nora.

1512. Just open up your gift. Please.

1513. It's okay, honey.

1514. - Nora, I got you this. - Simon.

1515. - That's for you. - No, that's for you.

1516. That's from me.

1517. It's a Cuisinart.

1518. I love it. Thank you, Simon.

1519. Dear Blue, happy New Year.

1520. I haven't heard from you,

1521. so I'm going to assume It's because you have no service.

1522. I came out to my entire family on Christmas.

1523. It didn't go great.

1524. And I've been avoiding my friends the whole break

1525. for all sorts of reasons.

1526. Change is exhausting.

1527. I feel like there's nowhere to hide

1528. from all the newness of everything.

1529. Except here. With you.

1530. Please write to me.

1531. As soon as you get even one bar of service.

1532. Breakfast burrito?

1533. Thanks.

1534. Hey, Si.

1535. Come sit down.

1536. I'm gonna be late.

1537. Hey. Guys.

1538. Hey, Simon, we need to talk.

1539. So Abby and I hung out on New Year's Eve, and...

1540. you see, now we're together.

1541. - That's awesome. That's great. - Yeah, it is.

1542. But then we got to talking about why it took so long.

1543. Why did you tell Nick that I have

1544. a boyfriend in college named Jonathan?

1545. Why'd you make that up?

1546. Look, Martin...

1547. he was the one who wrote that Creek-Secrets post about me.

1548. He screenshotted my emails

1549. and he's been using them to blackmail me for months.

1550. What does that have to do with us, Simon?

1551. He told me that if I didn't help him get with Abby,

1552. he'd out me.

1553. And I...

1554. That's why I had to keep you guys apart.

1555. So you made up a bunch of lies.

1556. And that's why you convinced me to go on that date with Leah?

1557. You know, to keep me away from Abby?

1558. So, wait. Running lines at Waffle House

1559. and beer pong at Bram's,

1560. all of that was just to pawn me off on Martin?

1561. I'm not a piece of meat, Simon.

1562. You know how hard it was for me to start over.

1563. I trusted you.

1564. Hey, come on, Leah. I'll take you to school.

1565. Leah. Leah, please. Listen, listen.

1566. I know I messed up, okay?

1567. But I knew you were in love with Nick.

1568. And I thought that maybe... Just stop it!

1569. You know what? You are insanely stupid, Simon.

1570. I was never in love with Nick. I was in love with you!

1571. But...

1572. We're... We're us.

1573. Yeah, well...

1574. Sorry.

1575. I've been trying to tell you.

1576. That night I slept over, I was trying to tell you.

1577. You wanna know the funniest part?

1578. It's that all these years, you being so picky with girls,

1579. I thought that maybe it was because you might like me, too.

1580. And then, you know, you told me I should go out with Nick

1581. and I realized you were just never gonna see me that way.

1582. I can deal with you being gay, Si.

1583. But you set me up to get my heart broken

1584. when you thought I was in love with Nick

1585. and that just makes you cruel.

1586. You all right?

1587. Hanging in there.

1588. Uh, for the record,

1589. when I was saying that we have a lot in common, you know,

1590. I wasn't really... That's not what I was talking about.

1591. Gotcha.

1592. Just FYI, just for the record.

1593. Okay, great. Thanks. All right.

1594. Hey, Jackie.

1595. Did you date me because you think I look like a guy?

1596. No. No, I actually broke up with you

1597. because you don't look like a guy.

1598. Oh. Oh, okay. Thanks.

1599. Welcome.

1600. What did he say?

1601. Yeah! Hey, Creekwood!

1602. This one's for you, Spier.

1603. Hey, Ethan.

1604. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

1605. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

1606. You like that, don't you, Spier?

1607. Yeah.

1608. Oh, yeah, Ethan, Simon likey.

1609. You have something you wanna say to me?

1610. I said do you have something to say to me?

1611. I'll take it from here.

1612. Hey, Ms. Albright.

1613. Don't "Hey, Ms. Albright" me.

1614. We're not friends. You're not gonna braid my hair

1615. or paint my nails.

1616. Get your ass off the table now!

1617. You sweaty, hormonal virgins.

1618. You know what? You're about to be suspended for so long,

1619. that by the time it's over, you're gonna be

1620. the fat, bald, unhappily married

1621. wildly mediocre nobodies you're destined to become.

1622. You can't talk to us like that.

1623. Actually, I can, 'cause I just did.

1624. And you know why? Because you're just those two

1625. assholes that did that shitty thing

1626. in front of the whole school. And guess what?

1627. Nobody feels sorry for those assholes, especially me.

1628. Now, walk. Mr. 'North's office now.

1629. Bye.

1630. Uh-uh. That's mine now.

1631. I'mma sell it. Get my tubes tied.

1632. Why does Mr. Worth have to talk to us?

1633. I mean, can't we just let this shit go?

1634. Hey, I'm sorry, Ethan.

1635. None of this ever happened when just you were out.

1636. You know what they say, one gay's a snooze,

1637. two's a hilarious hate crime.

1638. You could've told me you were gay.

1639. I guess I didn't think we had very much in common.

1640. You're telling me, Simon.

1641. It's not like your all-hoodie wardrobe

1642. rocks my world.

1643. I don't know.

1644. Maybe I was jealous.

1645. You've been out since you were 16.

1646. It always seemed so easy for you.

1647. Easy?

1648. Are you kidding me?

1649. My mom still tells my grandparents

1650. about all the girls I'm dating

1651. when we go over to their house for dinner, every Sunday.

1652. She says it's 'cause they're old and religious,

1653. and it's just easier that way.

1654. I don't know, maybe that's true.

1655. But you should hear her voice when she talks about the girls.

1656. All right, boys, come on in.

1657. Come on.

1658. All right, just stand right here.

1659. Get up.

1660. Okay, these gentlemen have something

1661. that they would like to say to you.

1662. We're sorry. Our bad.

1663. That's right. 'Cause at Creekwood High,

1664. what do we believe in?

1665. Tolerance.

1666. And "tolerance" means we respect

1667. Simon and Ethan's choice to be boyfriends.

1668. - We are not boyfriends. - Yeah. No.

1669. Hey, whatever you wanna call it, it's fine with me. Seriously.

1670. We call it "two people

1671. that are not at all romantically involved."

1672. Yeah, I get it. Keepin' it casual, man.

1673. I can dig, seriously.

1674. Oh. Simon. Hey, can we talk?

1675. I don't have anything to say to you.

1676. Please, please. I just wanted to say

1677. that I was sorry, okay?

1678. I didn't know or think

1679. that people still did shit like that.

1680. And I got in a lot of shit for Homecoming,

1681. and I wanted everyone to focus on something else, you know?

1682. I just didn't think it was gonna be a big (hing.

1683. I don't care if you didn't think that my coming out

1684. was gonna be a big thing, Martin.

1685. Look, you don't get to decide that.

1686. I'm supposed to be the one that decides when

1687. and where, and how and who knows and how I get to say it.

1688. That's supposed to be my thing!

1689. And you took that away from me.

1690. So, look, can you please just get the fuck away from me?

1691. I saw the posts. M' know who you are.

1692. Jacques a Dit.

1693. That's what they cal! Simon Says In France.

1694. Very clever.

1695. I'm sorry, Simon. I can'! Do this anymore.

1696. Please, Blue. I'm so sorry.

1697. You can't leave me alone. Everything's falling apart.

1698. I mean, I haven't even talked to her.

1699. I haven't even seen her at school.

1700. Anyway, I guess I'll see you in class, right?

1701. Yeah, totally. Okay.

1702. Later.

1703. Hey.

1704. Hey, Simon.

1705. Is it you?

1706. Are you Blue?

1707. No. No, it's not me. Sorry.

1708. I know you've had a crazy couple days.

1709. You wanna talk about it?

1710. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

1711. No, don't worry. Sorry for bothering you.

1712. Did you know?

1713. I knew you had a secret.

1714. I mean, when you were little, you were so carefree.

1715. But these last few years, more and more...

1716. It's almost like I could feel you holding your breath.

1717. I wanted to ask you about it, but I...

1718. didn't wanna pry.

1719. Maybe I made a mistake. No. No, Mom, you...

1720. You didn't make a mistake.

1721. Being gay is your (hing.

1722. There are parts of it you have to go through alone.

1723. I hate that.

1724. As soon as you came out, you said, "Mom, I'm still me."

1725. I need you to hear this.

1726. You are still you, Simon.

1727. And you are still the same son who I love to tease,

1728. and who your father depends on for just about everything.

1729. And you're the same brother

1730. who always compliments his sister on her food,

1731. even when it sucks.

1732. But you get to exhale now, Simon.

1733. You get to be more you than you have been...

1734. in a very long time.

1735. You deserve everything you want.

1736. My boy.

1737. Hey, Leah.

1738. Hey. What's up?

1739. What are you doing?

1740. Just going for a run, you know.

1741. Daily ritual.

1742. Yeah, you've never done that.

1743. Have, too.

1744. But you're wearing jeans.

1745. They're my running jeans.

1746. Simon, you're about to pass out.

1747. Okay, fine. I'm not going for a run.

1748. Hey, Leah. Please, listen.

1749. Look, I know, okay?

1750. You didn't want anyone to know you're gay.

1751. No, that wasn't just it.

1752. I fell in love with someone.

1753. That guy in the emails...

1754. I love him.

1755. And I knew that if Martin leaked our emails,

1756. it'd scare him off.

1757. I'm sorry.

1758. I know what I did was messed up.

1759. You're my best friend.

1760. If I'm your best friend,

1761. then why did you come out to Abby and not me?

1762. Think it was easier.

1763. I've known Abby for six months,

1764. and I've known you for 13 years.

1765. And I knew that if I told you,

1766. that everything was gonna be different.

1767. I really wanted things to stay the same.

1768. Tell me about this guy you love.

1769. - You sure? - Yeah.

1770. It'll help me kill off Hetero Simon in my mind.

1771. You don't have to kill him off. He's dead, Si.

1772. Hacking him up with a mental machete as we speak.

1773. All right. Fair enough.

1774. So, I call him Blue.

1775. Hey, Si.

1776. Yeah?

1777. How long have you known?

1778. Like, I really started to get it when I was around...

1779. thirteen?

1780. Four years? Four years of...

1781. eating dinner together,

1782. four years of going to movies together.

1783. Four years of walking Bieber together.

1784. I'm sorry.

1785. I shouldn't have missed it.

1786. No. Hey, no, Dad.

1787. All those stupid jokes...

1788. Well, I know you didn't mean 'em.

1789. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have missed it.

1790. But...

1791. in case the message got lost somewhere I just...

1792. I just want you to know that I love you.

1793. And I'm really proud of you.

1794. I wouldn't change anything about you.

1795. Hey. Shit, Dad.

1796. Hey, stop crying.

1797. I'm trying. I'm trying.

1798. Oh, God.

1799. Come here.

1800. How's that video for Mom coming?

1801. Good. Good, good.

1802. Good.

1803. You don't know how to export it,

1804. do you? Can you help me with that

1805. - please? - Yeah.

1806. Okay. Let's go.

1807. Hey.

1808. I thought maybe we could sign up for Grindr together.

1809. You don't know what Grindr is, do you?

1810. It's Facebook for gay people.

1811. Not what it is.

1812. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

1813. 20 years of bliss.

1814. Did you guys do this?

1815. Simon and I did it, yeah.

1816. I just helped. It was mostly me.

1817. Yeah, right.

1818. Really? Really?

1819. I can't believe you did this.

1820. I panicked and bought you a watch.

1821. That's okay.

1822. You can give me somethin' later that I can't get in the store.

1823. That's really gross.

1824. Oh, guys, just look. Sorry, just pay attention.

1825. Just look at baby Bieber!

1826. He was so cute!

1827. Just look at our baby!

1828. Dear students of Creekwood High School,

1829. As anyone with a half-decent data plan already knows,

1830. a recent post on this very website

1831. declared that I was gay.

1832. The delivery left something to be desired,

1833. but the message is true.

1834. I am... gay.

1835. For a long time, I was killing myself to hide that fact.

1836. I had all these reasons.

1837. It was unfair that only gay people had to come out.

1838. I was sick of change.

1839. Bu! The truth is I was just scared.

1840. Come on, Garrett. Let's go!

1841. At first I thought it was just a gay thing.

1842. But then I realized, no matter what,

1843. announcing who you are to the world

1844. is pretty terrifying

1845. because what if the world doesn't like you?

1846. So, I did whatever I could to keep my secret.

1847. I hurt the best, most important people.

1848. And I want them to know that I'm sorry.

1849. I am done being scared.

1850. I'm done living in a world

1851. where I don't get to be who I am.

1852. I deserve a great love story.

1853. Disclaimer, this is about to get romantic as eff,

1854. so anyone adverse to gratuitous feelings

1855. kindly click over to the BuzzFeed quiz

1856. or resume the porn you paused to read this.

1857. Did you even use the ladder?

1858. This guy that I love once wrote

1859. that he felt like he was stuck on a Ferris wheel.

1860. On top of the world one minute,

1861. at rock bottom the next.

1862. That's how I feel now.

1863. I couldn't ask for more amazing friends,

1864. a more understanding family.

1865. But it would all be so much better

1866. if I had someone to share it with.

1867. So, Blue...

1868. I might not know your name or what you look like,

1869. But I know who you are.

1870. I know you're funny and thoughtful.

1871. That you choose your words carefully

1872. and that they're always perfect.

1873. And I know that you've been pretending for so long

1874. it's hard to believe you can stop.

1875. I get it.

1876. Like I told you at the very beginning,

1877. I'm just like you.

1878. Hi, Simon. What's up?

1879. So, Blue...

1880. after the play, Friday at 10:00, you know where I'll be.

1881. No pressure for you to show up, bu! I hope you do.

1882. Because you deserve a great love story too'

1883. Love, Simon.

1884. Okay. They're not paying me enough for this.

1885. Hi Oh, my God.

1886. - Oh, my God! - You were amazing.

1887. I'm not even kidding.

1888. You were, like, insane. Thank you!

1889. What's up? Baby!

1890. Yeah. Yeah.

1891. Hey, Simon. Hey.

1892. Do you wanna go to the carnival with us tonight?

1893. Yes.

1894. - Yeah? - Yeah!

1895. Yay!

1896. Get in here, Leah!

1897. The love!

1898. Thank you.

1899. - We'll be right here. - Yeah.

1900. Go get him. All right.

1901. Yes! Woo! Yeah!

1902. Go, Simon!

1903. Spier, Spier, Spier! Woo!

1904. That should last a while.

1905. Oh, my God, look.

1906. I bet he's waiting for the other gay kid.

1907. Where's Dana? She'll love this.

1908. You got this, buddy. Proud of you.

1909. Yeah, buddy! Yeah!

1910. You got it! Woo!

1911. This is it.

1912. Yeah!

1913. We love you, Simon!

1914. Yo. Can you just... Come on, no.

1915. Go, Simon!

1916. Okay. That's your last ride ticket, buddy.

1917. Wait. Wait!

1918. Simon, it's me.

1919. I'm Blue. I love you.

1920. No, you're not.

1921. No, I'm not. I just...

1922. This is so brutal.

1923. Here. I'll tell you what.

1924. I got a couple... How much is it?

1925. It's four tickets, four bucks. Perfect. Okay. There you go.

1926. Last one's on me.

1927. Got it.

1928. Last call for the Ferris wheel!

1929. Oh, no, I can't watch. I can't watch this, babe. No.

1930. This is awful.

1931. Okay, Dora. Wait, wait.

1932. Can I sit there?

1933. I was kind of waiting for somebody.

1934. Yeah, I know.

1935. It's Bram!

1936. It's you.

1937. It's me.

1938. But that night at the party...

1939. Yeah. I was drunk and confused.

1940. And it ended, like, a minute after you saw us.

1941. And you're Jewish.

1942. Yeah.

1943. Which is cool.

1944. And I'm black, too.

1945. And gay.

1946. It's kind of crazy, huh?

1947. I didn't think you'd come.

1948. Me neither.

1949. Until I was walking towards you, I didn't think I had it in me.

1950. Are you disappointed that it's me?

1951. No.

1952. Hey.

1953. Have you seen CreekSecrets?

1954. There are six new confessions, ail signed.

1955. Listen to this.

1956. 'My parents didn't come and see me in Cabaret.

1957. They hate that I wanna be an actor.

1958. I don't know if they'll ever be proud of me.

1959. Taylor Metternich."

1960. Wow.

1961. You're a trendsetter, Spier.

1962. Now, come on, get In the car. We need to go.

1963. - Good morning! - Ah, there he is!

1964. - Morning, Simon. - Top of the morning, kid.

1965. What's this?

1966. - Nora's specialty. - Mm, coconut?

1967. - Yeah. - You look good.

1968. - Have a good day, honey. - You too.

1969. - Is it good? - It's delicious.

1970. I'll see you guys. What, you're not gonna eat?

1971. Bye, Simon.

1972. - Mornin'. - Hey, buddy.

1973. - Good morning. - Hey!

1974. How you doin', Leah?

1975. Pretty good. Pretty good.

1976. Hey!

1977. Hey.

1978. - Morning. - Morning.

1979. Everybody in?

1980. - Yes. - Oh, yeah.

1981. All right, it's too beautiful a day,

1982. so I think I'm gonna actually take us on a little adventure.

1983. - Yes! - Woo!

1984. That's exactly what I need!

1985. Yeah, adventure!