1. - Who are you?
- We are three wise men.Copy !req
2. - What?
- We are three wise men.Copy !req
3. What are you doing creeping around
a cowshed at 2:00 a.m.?Copy !req
4. That doesn't sound very wise to me.Copy !req
5. - We are astrologers.
- We have come from the East.Copy !req
6. - Is this some kind of joke?
- We wish to praise the infant.Copy !req
7. - We must pay a homage to him.
- Homage? You're all drunk!Copy !req
8. It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!Copy !req
9. Bursting in here with tales about
Oriental fortunetellers. Out!Copy !req
10. - No, no, we must see him.
- Go and praise someone else's brat!Copy !req
11. - We were led by a star!
- Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!Copy !req
12. - We must see him. We have presents!
- Out!Copy !req
13. Gold, frankincense, myrrh!Copy !req
14. Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.Copy !req
15. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.Copy !req
16. Well, what is myrrh anyway?Copy !req
17. - It is a valuable balm.
- A balm?Copy !req
18. What are you giving him a balm for?
It might bite him!Copy !req
19. - What?
- That's a dangerous animal!Copy !req
20. - Throw it in the trough!
- No, it isn't!Copy !req
21. - It's a great big...
- No, no, no, it is an ointment.Copy !req
22. Well, there is an animal called
a balm, or did I dream it?Copy !req
23. So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?Copy !req
24. What star-sign is he?Copy !req
25. - Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?Copy !req
26. Well, he's the Son of God.
Our Messiah.Copy !req
27. King of the Jews!Copy !req
28. - And that's Capricorn, is it?
- No, no, no, that's just him!Copy !req
29. I was gonna say,
otherwise there'd be a lot of them.Copy !req
30. - By what name are you calling him?
- Brian.Copy !req
31. We worship you, Brian,
who are lord over us all.Copy !req
32. Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.Copy !req
33. - Do you do a lot of this?
- What?Copy !req
34. - This praising.
- No,no.No, no.Copy !req
35. Well, if you're dropping
by again, do pop in.Copy !req
36. And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense...Copy !req
37. but don't worry too much about
the myrrh next time, all right?Copy !req
38. Thank you. Goodbye.Copy !req
39. Well, weren't they nice?Copy !req
40. Out of their bloody minds,
but still, look at that!Copy !req
41. Here. Here, that's mine! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
42. Shut up!Copy !req
43. Brian
The babe they called BrianCopy !req
44. He grewCopy !req
45. Grew, grew and grewCopy !req
46. Grew up to beCopy !req
47. Grew up to beCopy !req
48. A boy called BrianCopy !req
49. A boy called BrianCopy !req
50. He had arms and legsCopy !req
51. And hands and feetCopy !req
52. This boyCopy !req
53. Whose name was BrianCopy !req
54. And he grewCopy !req
55. Grew, grew and grewCopy !req
56. Grew up to beCopy !req
57. Yes, he grew up to beCopy !req
58. A teenager called BrianCopy !req
59. A teenager called BrianCopy !req
60. And his face became spottyCopy !req
61. Yes, his face became spottyCopy !req
62. And his voice dropped down lowCopy !req
63. And things started to growCopy !req
64. On young Brian and showCopy !req
65. He was certainly noCopy !req
66. No girl named BrianCopy !req
67. Not a girl named BrianCopy !req
68. And he started to shaveCopy !req
69. And have one off the wristCopy !req
70. And want to see girlsCopy !req
71. And go out and get pissedCopy !req
72. A man called BrianCopy !req
73. This man called BrianCopy !req
74. The man they called BrianCopy !req
75. This man calledCopy !req
76. BrianCopy !req
77. How blessed are those
who know that he's of God.Copy !req
78. How blessed are
the sorrowful.Copy !req
79. They shall find consolation.Copy !req
80. How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.Copy !req
81. They shall have the earth
for their possession.Copy !req
82. How blessed are those who hunger...Copy !req
83. and thirst to see right prevail.Copy !req
84. They shall be satisfied.Copy !req
85. How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.Copy !req
86. They shall see God.Copy !req
87. - Speak up!
- Quiet, mum!Copy !req
88. Well, I can't hear a thing.Copy !req
89. Let's go to a stoning.Copy !req
90. - You can go to a stoning anytime.
- Come on, Brian.Copy !req
91. Will you be quiet?Copy !req
92. Don't pick your nose!Copy !req
93. I wasn't. I was scratching.Copy !req
94. You was picking it while you
was talking to that lady.Copy !req
95. - I wasn't!
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.Copy !req
96. - Do you mind? I can't hear a word.
- Don't you "do you mind" me.Copy !req
97. - I was talking to my husband.
- Talk to him somewhere else.Copy !req
98. - I can't hear a bloody thing.
- Don't you swear at my wife.Copy !req
99. I was only asking her to shut up
so we can hear, big nose.Copy !req
100. Don't you call my husband
"big nose."Copy !req
101. - Well, he has got a big nose.
- Could you be quiet, please?Copy !req
102. - What was that?
- I was too busy talking to big nose.Copy !req
103. I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."Copy !req
104. What's so special about
the cheese makers?Copy !req
105. It's not meant to be taken literally.Copy !req
106. It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.Copy !req
107. If you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, big nose.Copy !req
108. Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in!Copy !req
109. Listen, might be a bit
about "Blessed are the big noses."Copy !req
110. Lay off him.Copy !req
111. You're not so bad yourself, conk-face.
Where are you two from? Nose City?Copy !req
112. One more time,
I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!Copy !req
113. Language!Copy !req
114. And don't pick your nose!Copy !req
115. I wasn't going to.
I was gonna thump him!Copy !req
116. - Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
- The Greek?Copy !req
117. Apparently,
he's gonna inherit the earth.Copy !req
118. - Did anyone catch his name?
- You won't thump anybody.Copy !req
119. I'll thump him if he calls me
"big nose"!Copy !req
120. Shut up, big nose!Copy !req
121. Right. I warned you.Copy !req
122. I really will slug you so hard—!Copy !req
123. It's the meek.
"Blessed are the meek."Copy !req
124. That's nice, isn't it?
I'm glad they getting something.Copy !req
125. They have a hell of a time.Copy !req
126. Listen, I'm only telling the truth,
you have got a very big nose.Copy !req
127. Your nose is going to be
three foot wide...Copy !req
128. across your face
by the time I'm finished!Copy !req
129. Who hit yours?
Goliath's big brother?Copy !req
130. - Right, that's your last warning.
- Do pipe down.Copy !req
131. Silly bitch, getting in the way.Copy !req
132. Break it up!Copy !req
133. - Come on, let's go to the stoning.
- All right.Copy !req
134. Blessed is just about everyone with an
interest in the status quo, right, Reg?Copy !req
135. What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.Copy !req
136. Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.Copy !req
137. Come on, Brian, or they'll have
stoned him before we get there.Copy !req
138. All right.Copy !req
139. Hey, get off her. That's disgusting.
Officer, intervene here.Copy !req
140. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap
with the big nose's fault.Copy !req
141. He started it all.Copy !req
142. I hate wearing these beards.Copy !req
143. Why aren't women allowed
at stonings?Copy !req
144. It's written, that's why.Copy !req
145. - Beard, madam?
- I haven't got time to go to no stonings.Copy !req
146. He's not well again.Copy !req
147. - Stone, sir?
- They've got them lying on the ground.Copy !req
148. Not like these, sir. Look at this.Copy !req
149. Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship.Copy !req
150. All right. We'll have two with points
and a big, flat one.Copy !req
151. Could I have a flat one, Mum?Copy !req
152. Sorry. Dad.Copy !req
153. All right. Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.Copy !req
154. Packet of gravel.Copy !req
155. Should be a good one this afternoon.Copy !req
156. - Local boy.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
157. Enjoy yourselves.Copy !req
158. Matthias, son of
Deuteronomy of Gath...Copy !req
159. - Do I say yes?
- Yes!Copy !req
160. you have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...Copy !req
161. of uttering the name of our Lord...Copy !req
162. and so as a blasphemer...Copy !req
163. you are to be stoned to death!Copy !req
164. Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was:Copy !req
165. "That piece of halibut was
good enough for Jehovah."Copy !req
166. Blasphemy! He said it again!Copy !req
167. - Did you hear him?
- Yeah! Yes, we did!Copy !req
168. Really.Copy !req
169. Are there any women here today?Copy !req
170. Very well. By virtue of the authority...Copy !req
171. vested in me—Copy !req
172. Lay off! We haven't started yet.Copy !req
173. Come on! Who threw that?Copy !req
174. Who threw that stone? Come on!Copy !req
175. She did! She did!Copy !req
176. He did! He did! He did!Copy !req
177. Sorry, I thought we'd started.Copy !req
178. - Go to the back.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
179. Always one, isn't there?Copy !req
180. - Now, where were we?
- I don't think it ought to be blasphemy...Copy !req
181. - ... just saying "Jehovah."
- He did! He did!Copy !req
182. You're only making it worse
for yourself!Copy !req
183. Making it worse?
How could it be worse?Copy !req
184. Jehovah!Jehovah! Jehovah!Copy !req
185. I'm warning you!
If you say Jehovah once more—Copy !req
186. Right! Who threw that?Copy !req
187. Come on! Who threw that?Copy !req
188. Him! Him! Him!Copy !req
189. - Was it you?
- Yes.Copy !req
190. - Right—
- Well, you did say Jehovah.Copy !req
191. Stop. Stop. Will you stop that?Copy !req
192. Stop it!Copy !req
193. Now, look. No one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle.Copy !req
194. Do you understand?Copy !req
195. Even, and I want to
make this absolutely clear...Copy !req
196. even if they do say Jehovah.Copy !req
197. Good shot!Copy !req
198. - Have I got a big nose, mum?
- Stop thinking about sex.Copy !req
199. - I wasn't.
- You're always on about it.Copy !req
200. Morning, noon and night.Copy !req
201. "Will the girls like this,
will the girls like that?Copy !req
202. Is it too big, is it too small?"Copy !req
203. - Alms for a leper.
- Alms for a leper.Copy !req
204. Alms for an ex-leper.Copy !req
205. Bloody donkey-owners, all the same,
ain't they? Never have any change.Copy !req
206. Here's a touch.Copy !req
207. - Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
- Buzz off.Copy !req
208. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?Copy !req
209. A talent? That's more than
he earns in a month.Copy !req
210. - Half a talent then?
- No, go away.Copy !req
211. - Big nose, let's haggle.
- What?Copy !req
212. All right, let's say you open
at one shekel...Copy !req
213. I start at 2000, we close at 1800.Copy !req
214. - No.
- 1750?Copy !req
215. - Go away!
- 1740?Copy !req
216. - Leave him alone.
- All right. Two shekels, just two.Copy !req
217. - Is this fun, eh?
- Look, he's not giving you any money.Copy !req
218. Now piss off!Copy !req
219. All right, final offer,
half a shekel for an ex-leper?Copy !req
220. - Did you say ex-leper?
- That's right, sir.Copy !req
221. Sixteen years behind
a bell and proud of it.Copy !req
222. - Well, what happened?
- I was cured, sir.Copy !req
223. - Cured?
- A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.Copy !req
224. - Who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.Copy !req
225. I was hopping along,
minding my own business.Copy !req
226. All of a sudden, up he comes,
cures me.Copy !req
227. One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
next minute my livelihood's gone.Copy !req
228. "You're cured, mate."
Bloody do-gooder.Copy !req
229. Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?Copy !req
230. I could do that sir.
I could, I suppose.Copy !req
231. I was gonna ask him if he'd make me
a bit lame in one leg during the week.Copy !req
232. You know, something beggable, but
not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.Copy !req
233. Brian.
Come and clean your room out.Copy !req
234. - There you are.
- Thank you. Thank—Copy !req
235. - Half a dinare for me bloody life story?
- There's no pleasing some people.Copy !req
236. That's just what Jesus said, sir.Copy !req
237. Good afternoon.Copy !req
238. Hello, officer.Copy !req
239. I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?Copy !req
240. What's he doing here?Copy !req
241. - Don't start, Brian. Go clean your room.
- Bloody Romans.Copy !req
242. Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them,
we wouldn't have all this.Copy !req
243. - And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything.Copy !req
244. That's not entirely true, is it, Brian?Copy !req
245. What do you mean?Copy !req
246. Well, you know when you
were asking me about your...?Copy !req
247. My nose?Copy !req
248. Yes, well, there's a reason
it's like it is.Copy !req
249. What is it?Copy !req
250. Well, I suppose I should have
told you a long time ago, but...Copy !req
251. Well, Brian...Copy !req
252. - ... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
- I never thought he was.Copy !req
253. Now, none of your cheek!Copy !req
254. He was a Roman, Brian.Copy !req
255. He was a centurion
in the Roman army.Copy !req
256. - You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.Copy !req
257. - Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus his name was.Copy !req
258. Promised me the known world,
he did.Copy !req
259. I was to be taken to Rome,
house by the Forum...Copy !req
260. slaves, asses' milk...Copy !req
261. as much gold as I could eat.Copy !req
262. Then he, having his way with me
he had: Like a rat out of an aqueduct.Copy !req
263. The bastard.Copy !req
264. Yes, and next time you go on
about the "bloody Romans"...Copy !req
265. - ... don't forget you're one of them.
- I'm not a Roman, Mum.Copy !req
266. And I never will be.
I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose.Copy !req
267. I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian and proud of it!Copy !req
268. Sex, sex, sex, that's all
they think about, huh?Copy !req
269. Well, how are you then, officer?Copy !req
270. Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest is between...Copy !req
271. Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian baby-crusher...Copy !req
272. and Boris Mineburg.Copy !req
273. Thank you, madam.Copy !req
274. Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers.Copy !req
275. Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.Copy !req
276. Wolf-nipple chips. Get them
while they're hot. They're lovely.Copy !req
277. Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar.
Tuscany fried bats...Copy !req
278. I do feel, Reg, that any
anti-imperialist group like ours...Copy !req
279. must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.Copy !req
280. - Agreed. Francis?
- Judith's point of view is very valid...Copy !req
281. provided the movement
never forgets...Copy !req
282. it is the unalienable right
of every man...Copy !req
283. - Or woman.
- ... or woman...Copy !req
284. - ... to rid himself—
- Or herself.Copy !req
285. - Agreed.
- Thanks, brother.Copy !req
286. - Or sister.
- Or sister...Copy !req
287. Where was I?Copy !req
288. - I think you finished.
- Right.Copy !req
289. - It is the birthright of every man—
- Or woman.Copy !req
290. Shut up about women, Stan.
You're putting us off.Copy !req
291. Women have a perfect right to play
a part in our movement.Copy !req
292. Why are you always
on about women, Stan?Copy !req
293. I want to be one.Copy !req
294. What?Copy !req
295. I want to be a woman.Copy !req
296. From now on, I want you
all to call me Loretta.Copy !req
297. - What?
- It's my right as a man.Copy !req
298. Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?Copy !req
299. I want to have babies.Copy !req
300. You want to have babies?Copy !req
301. It's every man's right to have
babies if he wants them.Copy !req
302. - But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.Copy !req
303. I'm not oppressing you, Stan.
You haven't got a womb.Copy !req
304. Where's the fetus gonna gestate?
You gonna keep it in a box?Copy !req
305. Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree...Copy !req
306. that he can't actually have babies...Copy !req
307. not having a womb, which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'...Copy !req
308. - ... but he has the right to have babies.
- Good idea, Judith.Copy !req
309. We shall fight the oppressors for your
right to have babies, brother. Sister.Copy !req
310. - What's the point?
- What?Copy !req
311. Why fight for his right to have babies
when he can't have babies?Copy !req
312. It is symbolic of our struggle
against oppression.Copy !req
313. Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.Copy !req
314. - Get out there. Get out.
- It's dangerous out there.Copy !req
315. Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelots' spleens.Copy !req
316. - Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts.Copy !req
317. I've got Wrens' livers,
badgers' spleens—Copy !req
318. No,no, no.Copy !req
319. - Otters' noses?
- I don't want any Roman rubbish.Copy !req
320. - Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?Copy !req
321. Yeah, not those
rich imperialist tidbits.Copy !req
322. Don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this.Copy !req
323. - All right, bag of otters' noses, then.
- Make it two.Copy !req
324. - Two.
- Thanks, Reg.Copy !req
325. - Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off.Copy !req
326. - What?
- Judean People's Front.Copy !req
327. We're The People's Front of Judea.Copy !req
328. - Judean People's Front, God!
- Wankers.Copy !req
329. - Can I join your group?
- No, piss off.Copy !req
330. I didn't want to sell this. It's only a job.
I hate the Romans as much as anybody.Copy !req
331. - Are you sure?
- Dead sure.Copy !req
332. I hate the Romans already.Copy !req
333. Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,
you'd have to really hate the Romans.Copy !req
334. I do.Copy !req
335. - Oh, yeah, how much?
- A lot.Copy !req
336. Right, you're in. Listen...Copy !req
337. the only people we hate more than
Romans are the Judean People's Front.Copy !req
338. Splitters.Copy !req
339. And the Judean
Popular People's Front.Copy !req
340. - Oh, yeah.
- Splitters.Copy !req
341. - And the People's Front of Judea.
- Yeah. Splitters.Copy !req
342. - What?
- The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.Copy !req
343. We're the People's Front of Judea.Copy !req
344. - I thought we were the Popular Front.
- People's Front.Copy !req
345. Whatever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?Copy !req
346. He's over there.Copy !req
347. Splitter!Copy !req
348. I think I'm about to have
a cardiac arrest.Copy !req
349. Absolutely dreadful.Copy !req
350. - What's your name?
- Brian. Brian Cohen.Copy !req
351. We may have a little job for you,
Brian.Copy !req
352. What's this then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?Copy !req
353. "People called Romanes,
they go the house"?Copy !req
354. It says, "Romans go home."Copy !req
355. No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for Roman?Copy !req
356. - Come on.
- Romanus?Copy !req
357. - Goes like...?
- Anus?Copy !req
358. Vocative plural of anus is...?Copy !req
359. - Ani?
- Romani.Copy !req
360. - "Eunt"? What is eunt?
- Go.Copy !req
361. - Conjugate the verb "to go."
- Ere, eo, is, it, Imus, itis, eunt.Copy !req
362. So eunt is...?Copy !req
363. Third person plural, present indicative.
"They go."Copy !req
364. But "Romans go home" is an order,
so you must use the...?Copy !req
365. - Imperative!
- Which is...?Copy !req
366. - Oh, -I.
- How many Romans?Copy !req
367. - Plural, plural. Lte. Lte.
- lte.Copy !req
368. Domus? Nominative?Copy !req
369. "Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, boy?Copy !req
370. Dative! Not dative,
not the dative, sir!Copy !req
371. The accusative! Accusative!
Domum, sir. Ad domum.Copy !req
372. - Except that domus takes the...?
- The locative, sir.Copy !req
373. - Which is...?
- Domum!Copy !req
374. Domum.Copy !req
375. - Understand?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
376. - Write that 100 times.
- Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar.Copy !req
377. If it's not done by sunrise,
I'll cut your balls off.Copy !req
378. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.Copy !req
379. Finished.Copy !req
380. Right. Now, don't do it again.Copy !req
381. Hey. Bloody Romans.Copy !req
382. We get in through the underground
heating-system...Copy !req
383. up through into the main
audience chamber here...Copy !req
384. and Pilate's wife's bedroom
is here.Copy !req
385. Having grabbed his wife,
we inform Pilate...Copy !req
386. that she is in our custody,
and forthwith issue our demands.Copy !req
387. - Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?Copy !req
388. We're giving Pilate two days
to dismantle...Copy !req
389. the entire
Roman imperialist state...Copy !req
390. and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.Copy !req
391. - Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.Copy !req
392. Send them back on the hour,
every hour.Copy !req
393. Show them we're not
to be trifled with.Copy !req
394. And of course, we point out
that they bear...Copy !req
395. full responsibility
when we chop her up...Copy !req
396. and that we shall not
submit to blackmail.Copy !req
397. No blackmail!Copy !req
398. They've bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.Copy !req
399. And not just from us! From our fathers,
and from our fathers' fathers.Copy !req
400. - And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Yeah.Copy !req
401. And our fathers' fathers'
fathers' fathers.Copy !req
402. All right, don't labor the point.Copy !req
403. And what have they ever
given us in return?Copy !req
404. The aqueduct?Copy !req
405. - What?
- The aqueduct.Copy !req
406. Yeah, they did give us that.
That's true, yeah.Copy !req
407. And the sanitation.Copy !req
408. Yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember
what the city used to be like.Copy !req
409. I'll grant you
the aqueduct and sanitation...Copy !req
410. the two things
the Romans have done.Copy !req
411. - And the roads.
- Yeah, obviously the roads.Copy !req
412. I mean the roads go
without saying, don't they?Copy !req
413. But apart from sanitation,
aqueduct and roads—Copy !req
414. - irrigation.
- Medicine.Copy !req
415. - Education.
- Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.Copy !req
416. And the wine.Copy !req
417. That's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.Copy !req
418. Public baths.Copy !req
419. It's safe to walk in the streets
at night now.Copy !req
420. They know how to keep order.Copy !req
421. Let's face it, they're the only ones
who could in a place like this.Copy !req
422. All right, but apart from sanitation...Copy !req
423. medicine, education,
wine, public order...Copy !req
424. irrigation, roads, the fresh-water
system and public health...Copy !req
425. what have the Romans
ever done for us?Copy !req
426. - Brought peace?
- Peace. Shut up!Copy !req
427. I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bented.Copy !req
428. - It's all right, Matthias.
- It's all clear.Copy !req
429. Well, where's Reg?Copy !req
430. Reg. Reg. It's Judith.Copy !req
431. - What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.Copy !req
432. - Did he finish the slogan?
- 100 times.Copy !req
433. In letters 10 foot high,
all the way around the palace.Copy !req
434. Oh, great.Copy !req
435. Great. We need doers
in our movement...Copy !req
436. Brian, but before you join us,
know this:Copy !req
437. There is not one of us who would not
gladly die...Copy !req
438. to rid this country of the Romans.Copy !req
439. Well, one.Copy !req
440. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one.Copy !req
441. But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?Copy !req
442. Yes.Copy !req
443. From now on, you shall be called,
"Brian, that is called Brian."Copy !req
444. Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.Copy !req
445. Right. This is the plan:Copy !req
446. Now, this is the palace
in Caesar's Square.Copy !req
447. Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street...Copy !req
448. and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.Copy !req
449. If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.Copy !req
450. Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ...Copy !req
451. will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head...Copy !req
452. though he will not be taking part...Copy !req
453. in any terrorist action,
as he has a bad back.Copy !req
454. - Aren't you gonna come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.Copy !req
455. Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.Copy !req
456. Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.Copy !req
457. There is a Roman feast later,
so we must move fast...Copy !req
458. and don't wear your best sandals.Copy !req
459. Turning left here, we enter
the Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer.Copy !req
460. And from there proceed directly
to the hypocaust.Copy !req
461. This has just been re-tiled.Copy !req
462. So terrorists,
careful with those weapons.Copy !req
463. We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.Copy !req
464. This is the moment
for Habakkuk to get out his prong.Copy !req
465. Campaign for Free Galilee.Copy !req
466. People's Front of Judea. Officials.Copy !req
467. - What's your group doing here?
- We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife.Copy !req
468. - So are we.
- What?Copy !req
469. That's our plan.Copy !req
470. - We were here first.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
471. - We thought of it first.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
472. Yes, a couple of years ago.Copy !req
473. - We did.
- You got all your demands worked out?Copy !req
474. - Of course we have.
- What are they?Copy !req
475. - Well, I'm not telling you.
- Pull the other one.Copy !req
476. That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.Copy !req
477. - Did not.
- We did.Copy !req
478. - You didn't.
- We bloody did!Copy !req
479. Bastards, we've been
planning this for months.Copy !req
480. Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.Copy !req
481. - All right.
- Why you sly—Copy !req
482. Brothers! Brothers!
We should be struggling together!Copy !req
483. We are.Copy !req
484. We mustn't fight each other!Copy !req
485. Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy!Copy !req
486. The Judean People's Front?Copy !req
487. No, no, the Romans!Copy !req
488. - Oh, yeah.
- Yes.Copy !req
489. - Yeah, he's right.
- Look out!Copy !req
490. Careful.Copy !req
491. - Right! Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.Copy !req
492. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
493. Brothers!Copy !req
494. Get off!Copy !req
495. - You lucky bastard.
- Who's that?Copy !req
496. - You lucky, lucky bastard.
- What?Copy !req
497. - Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
498. You must have slipped him
a few shekels, eh?Copy !req
499. Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face!Copy !req
500. What wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face?Copy !req
501. I sometimes hang awake at night,
dreaming of being spat at in the face.Copy !req
502. Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They had me in manacles!Copy !req
503. Manacles!Copy !req
504. My idea of heaven...Copy !req
505. is to be allowed to be put in manacles
just for a few hours.Copy !req
506. They must think the sun shines
out of your arse, sonny.Copy !req
507. Lay off me, I've had a hard time!Copy !req
508. You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years...Copy !req
509. they only hung me the right way up
yesterday! So don't you come around—Copy !req
510. All right, all right.Copy !req
511. They must think
you're Lord God almighty.Copy !req
512. What will they do to me?Copy !req
513. You'll probably get away
with crucifixion.Copy !req
514. - Crucifixion?
- Yeah. First offense.Copy !req
515. - Get away with crucifixion? it's—
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.Copy !req
516. - What?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
517. If we didn't have crucifixion,
this country would be a mess.Copy !req
518. - Guard!
- Nail them up, I say!Copy !req
519. - Guard!
- Nail some sense into them!Copy !req
520. - What do you want?
- I want you to move me to another cell.Copy !req
521. Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!Copy !req
522. - Shut up, you.
- Sorry.Copy !req
523. Now, take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.Copy !req
524. Every night they take me down
for 20 minutes...Copy !req
525. then they hang me up again.Copy !req
526. Which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.Copy !req
527. And if nothing else, it's taught me
to respect the Romans...Copy !req
528. and it's taught me that
you'll never get anywhere in this life...Copy !req
529. unless you are prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's—Copy !req
530. Shut up!Copy !req
531. - Pilate wants to see you!
- Me?Copy !req
532. Come on!Copy !req
533. Pilate? What does he want
to see me for?Copy !req
534. I think he wants to know which
way you ought to be crucified.Copy !req
535. - Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
- Shut up!Copy !req
536. Right. Right.Copy !req
537. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.Copy !req
538. - Hail Caesar.
- Hail.Copy !req
539. Only one survivor, sir.Copy !req
540. Throw him to the floor.Copy !req
541. - What, sir?
- Throw him to the floor.Copy !req
542. Now, what is your name, Jew?Copy !req
543. - Brian, sir.
- Brian, eh?Copy !req
544. No, no, Brian.Copy !req
545. The little rascal has spirit.Copy !req
546. - Has what, sir?
- Spirit.Copy !req
547. Yes, he did, sir.Copy !req
548. No, no, spirit.
Bravado, a touch of derring-do.Copy !req
549. About 11, sir.Copy !req
550. So...Copy !req
551. - You dare to raid us?
- To what, sir?Copy !req
552. Strike him, centurion, very roughly.Copy !req
553. And throw him to the floor, sir?Copy !req
554. - What?
- Throw him to the floor again, sir?Copy !req
555. Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor,
please.Copy !req
556. Now, Jewish rapscallion...Copy !req
557. I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.Copy !req
558. - A Roman?
- No, no, Roman.Copy !req
559. So your father was a Roman?Copy !req
560. Who was he?Copy !req
561. He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.Copy !req
562. Really?Copy !req
563. - What was his name?
- Naughtius Maximus.Copy !req
564. Centurion, do you have anyone
of that name in the garrison?Copy !req
565. Well, no, sir.Copy !req
566. Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?Copy !req
567. Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir.Copy !req
568. Like "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.Copy !req
569. What's so funny
about Biggus Dickus?Copy !req
570. Well, it's a joke name, sir.Copy !req
571. I have a very great friend in Rome
called Biggus Dickus.Copy !req
572. Silence! What is all this insolence?Copy !req
573. You will find yourself
in gladiator school very quickly...Copy !req
574. with rotten behavior like that.Copy !req
575. Can I go now, sir?Copy !req
576. Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.Copy !req
577. - Right! Take him away!
- Sir, he—Copy !req
578. No, no, I want him fighting
rabid wild animals within a week!Copy !req
579. Yes, sir. Come on, you.Copy !req
580. I will not have my friends ridiculed
by the common soldiery!Copy !req
581. Anybody else feel like a little...Copy !req
582. "Giggle...Copy !req
583. when I mention my friend...Copy !req
584. Biggus...Copy !req
585. Dickus?Copy !req
586. And what about you?Copy !req
587. Do you find it risible...Copy !req
588. when I say the name...Copy !req
589. Biggus...Copy !req
590. Dickus?Copy !req
591. He has a wife, you know.Copy !req
592. You know what she's called?Copy !req
593. She's called...Copy !req
594. incontinentia.Copy !req
595. Incontinentia Buttocks. Shut up!Copy !req
596. What is all this?Copy !req
597. I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel,
sniggering behavior!Copy !req
598. Silence!
You call yourselves centurion guards?Copy !req
599. Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!Copy !req
600. You lucky bastard.Copy !req
601. And the beast's head
shall be huge and black...Copy !req
602. and the eyes. They're of red,
with the blood of living creatures!Copy !req
603. And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a three-headed serpent...Copy !req
604. and throughout the land
shall be a great rubbing of parts.Copy !req
605. And the demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword!Copy !req
606. Nine-bladed! Not two
or five or seven, but nine!Copy !req
607. Which he will wield
on all wretched sinners.Copy !req
608. Sinners just like you, sir, there.Copy !req
609. - And the horns shall be on the head...
- Through Hebediah, his servant...Copy !req
610. there shall in that time be rumors
of things going astray...Copy !req
611. and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.Copy !req
612. And nobody will really know
where lieth those little things...Copy !req
613. with the sort of raffia-work base,
that has an attachment.Copy !req
614. At this time, a friend shall
lose his friend's hammer...Copy !req
615. and the young shall not
know where lieth...Copy !req
616. the things possessed
by their fathers...Copy !req
617. that their fathers put there only
just the night before, about 8:00.Copy !req
618. Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril...Copy !req
619. that in that time shall the turds...Copy !req
620. - How much? Quickly.
- What?Copy !req
621. - It's for the wife.
- Twenty shekels.Copy !req
622. - Right.
- What?Copy !req
623. - There you are.
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
624. - What?
- Well, we're supposed to haggle.Copy !req
625. - No, I've got to—
- What do you mean, "No"?Copy !req
626. - I haven't got time—
- Give it back.Copy !req
627. - No, no, no, I just paid you.
- Burt.Copy !req
628. - Yeah?
- This bloke won't haggle.Copy !req
629. - Won't haggle?
- All right, do we have to?Copy !req
630. - Now look, I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.Copy !req
631. - Are you telling me that's not worth 20?
- No.Copy !req
632. Look. Feel the quality,
that's none of your goat.Copy !req
633. - All right, I'll give you 19.
- No, come on, do it properly.Copy !req
634. - What?
- Haggle properly, this isn't worth 19.Copy !req
635. - Well, you just said it was worth 20.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.Copy !req
636. - Come on, haggle.
- All right, I'll give you 10.Copy !req
637. That's more like it.
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?Copy !req
638. Me, with a poor,
dying grandmother? Ten?Copy !req
639. - All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're getting it. 11?Copy !req
640. Did I hear you right? 11?Copy !req
641. - This cost me 12, you want to ruin me'?
- Seventeen?Copy !req
642. - No, no, no, no, "17"!
- Eighteen?Copy !req
643. - No, no, you go to 14 now.
- All right, I'll give you 14.Copy !req
644. - Fourteen! Are you joking?
- That's what you told me to say!Copy !req
645. - Oh, dear.
- Tell me what to say, please!Copy !req
646. - Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.Copy !req
647. - He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!Copy !req
648. Seventeen. My last word, I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.Copy !req
649. - Sixteen.
- Done.Copy !req
650. Nice to do business with you.Copy !req
651. - I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it.Copy !req
652. - Burt.
- Yeah.Copy !req
653. - All right.
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?Copy !req
654. I just gave you 20.Copy !req
655. - That's right, that's four I owe you.
- No, that's all right.Copy !req
656. - No, I've got it here.
- It's all right, that's four for the gourd.Copy !req
657. Four? For this gourd? Four!Copy !req
658. It's worth 10
if it's worth a shekel!Copy !req
659. - You just gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth 10.Copy !req
660. All right, all right.Copy !req
661. No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10,
you're supposed to argue.Copy !req
662. "Ten for that? You must be mad!"Copy !req
663. Oh, well. One born every minute.Copy !req
664. - Daniel.
- Daniel.Copy !req
665. - Job.
- Job.Copy !req
666. - Job.
- Joshua.Copy !req
667. - Joshua.
- Joshua.Copy !req
668. - Judges.
- Judges.Copy !req
669. - Judges.
- And Brian.Copy !req
670. - And Brian.
- And Brian.Copy !req
671. I now propose that all seven
of these ex-brothers...Copy !req
672. be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.Copy !req
673. - I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.Copy !req
674. Siblings, let us not be down on it.Copy !req
675. One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning!Copy !req
676. Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in a—Copy !req
677. Look out!Copy !req
678. Hello?Copy !req
679. Matthias?Copy !req
680. - Reg.
- Go away.Copy !req
681. - Reg, it's me, Brian.
- Get off. Get off out of it.Copy !req
682. - Stan?
- Piss off.Copy !req
683. - Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.Copy !req
684. Shit!Copy !req
685. Corning.Copy !req
686. Yea, verily at that time, which is written
in the Book of Obadiah...Copy !req
687. a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey...Copy !req
688. and anyone in the vicinity
of either the nephew or the donkey.Copy !req
689. My eyes are dim, I cannot see.Copy !req
690. - Are you Matthias?
- Yes.Copy !req
691. We believe you may
be hiding one Brian of Nazareth...Copy !req
692. member of the terrorist organization
the People's Front of Judea.Copy !req
693. Me? No, I'm just a poor old man,
I have no time for lawbreakers.Copy !req
694. My legs are gray, my ears are nulled,
my eyes are old and bent—Copy !req
695. Quiet!Copy !req
696. Silly person.
Guards, search the house.Copy !req
697. You know the penalty laid down
by Roman law...Copy !req
698. for harboring a known criminal?Copy !req
699. - No.
- Crucifixion.Copy !req
700. - Nasty, eh?
- It could be worse.Copy !req
701. - What do you mean, "could be worse"?
- Well, you could be stabbed.Copy !req
702. Stabbed? It takes a second.Copy !req
703. Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.Copy !req
704. Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.Copy !req
705. You're weird.Copy !req
706. No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.Copy !req
707. Well, don't worry, you've not seen
the last of us, weirdo.Copy !req
708. - Big nose.
- Watch it!Copy !req
709. That was lucky.Copy !req
710. - I'm sorry, Reg.
- Oh, it's all right. Siblings, he's sorry.Copy !req
711. He's sorry he led the Fifth legion
to our headquarters.Copy !req
712. Well, that's all right then, Brian.Copy !req
713. Sit down! Have a scone.
Make yourself at home.Copy !req
714. You klutz!Copy !req
715. You stupid, birdbrained, flat-headed—Copy !req
716. —with a great juicy melon behind.Copy !req
717. My legs are old and bent,
my ears are grizzled, yes?Copy !req
718. There's one place we didn't look.
Guards!Copy !req
719. I'm just a poor old man,
my sight is dim...Copy !req
720. my eyes are poor,
my nose is knackered.Copy !req
721. - Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
- Crucifixion's a doddle.Copy !req
722. Don't keep saying that.Copy !req
723. Found this spoon, sir.Copy !req
724. Well done, sergeant.Copy !req
725. We'll be back, oddball.Copy !req
726. - Open up.
- You haven't given us time to hide.Copy !req
727. Don't pass judgment on other people,
or you might get judged yourself.Copy !req
728. What?Copy !req
729. I said, don't pass judgment
on other people...Copy !req
730. or else you might get judged too.Copy !req
731. - Who, me?
- Yes.Copy !req
732. - Thank you very much.
- Well, not just you, all of you.Copy !req
733. - That's a nice gourd.
- What?Copy !req
734. - How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.Copy !req
735. - Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.Copy !req
736. - Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.Copy !req
737. - What's wrong with it, then?
- Nothing, take it.Copy !req
738. - Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.Copy !req
739. - What birds?
- Any birds.Copy !req
740. - Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?Copy !req
741. - Who?
- The birds.Copy !req
742. Have the birds got jobs?Copy !req
743. - What's the matter with him?
- He says the birds are scrounging.Copy !req
744. No, the point is the birds,
they do all right, don't they?Copy !req
745. - Well, and good luck to them!
- Yeah, they're very pretty.Copy !req
746. Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?Copy !req
747. So, what are you worrying about?
There you are! See?Copy !req
748. I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.Copy !req
749. I haven't got anything against birds.
Consider lilies—Copy !req
750. - He's having a go at the flowers now.
- Give the flowers a chance.Copy !req
751. - I'll give you one for it.
- It's yours!Copy !req
752. Two then.Copy !req
753. Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants—Copy !req
754. - What were they called?
- What?Copy !req
755. - What were their names?
- I don't know.Copy !req
756. And he gave them some talents—Copy !req
757. - You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
758. He doesn't know
what they were called!Copy !req
759. Oh, they were called
Simon and Adrian. Now—Copy !req
760. You said you didn't know!Copy !req
761. It doesn't matter,
the point is there were two servants—Copy !req
762. - He's making it up as he goes along!
- No, I'm not!Copy !req
763. And he gave them—
Wait a minute, were there three?Copy !req
764. - He's terrible.
- There were three—Copy !req
765. - He's still a traitor!
- Oh, get off!Copy !req
766. Now hear this. Blessed are they...Copy !req
767. who convert their neighbor's ox,
for they shall inhibit their girth.Copy !req
768. - Rubbish!
- And to them only shall be given...Copy !req
769. To them only...Copy !req
770. shall be given...Copy !req
771. What?Copy !req
772. - Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.Copy !req
773. - What were you going to say?
- Nothing.Copy !req
774. - You were going to say something.
- I finished.Copy !req
775. - Oh, no, no.
- Come on, tell us before you go.Copy !req
776. - I wasn't going to say anything.
- No, you hadn't.Copy !req
777. - What won't he tell us?
- He won't say.Copy !req
778. - Is it a secret?
- No.Copy !req
779. - Is it'?
- It must be, otherwise he'd tell us.Copy !req
780. - Tell us.
- Leave me alone.Copy !req
781. - What is the secret?
- Is it the secret of eternal life?Copy !req
782. He won't say!Copy !req
783. If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.Copy !req
784. - Leave me alone.
- Just tell me, please.Copy !req
785. - No, tell us, master, we were here first.
- Rubbish!Copy !req
786. - Five!
- Go away!Copy !req
787. - Tell us, master.
- I can't go above 5.Copy !req
788. - Is that his gourd?
- Yes, but it's under offer.Copy !req
789. - This is his gourd.
- Ten!Copy !req
790. It is his gourd.
We will carry it for you, master.Copy !req
791. Master?Copy !req
792. He's gone. He's been taken up.Copy !req
793. - Oh, he has been taken up!
- Eighteen!Copy !req
794. No, there he is. Over there.Copy !req
795. Look!Copy !req
796. - He has given us a sign.
- He has given us his shoe.Copy !req
797. The shoe is the sign!
Let us follow his example!Copy !req
798. - What?
- Let us, like him...Copy !req
799. hold up one shoe and let the other
be upon our foot...Copy !req
800. for this is his sign that all who
follow him shall do likewise!Copy !req
801. No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must
gather shoes together in abundance.Copy !req
802. - Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd!
- No, let us gather shoes together.Copy !req
803. - Let me!
- Oh, get off!Copy !req
804. No, it is a sign that, like him,
we must think...Copy !req
805. not of the things of the body,
but of the face and head!Copy !req
806. - Give me your shoe!
- Get off!Copy !req
807. Follow the gourd,
the holy gourd of Jerusalem!Copy !req
808. - The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal, like he has—Copy !req
809. - It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!Copy !req
810. - No, it isn't! It is a shoe!
- Cast it away!Copy !req
811. - Put it on!
- Now clear off.Copy !req
812. Take the shoes and follow him!Copy !req
813. Come all ye who call
yourselves Gourdenes.Copy !req
814. Stop, I $8)'-Copy !req
815. Stop. Let us...Copy !req
816. Let us pray.Copy !req
817. Yea, he cometh to us
like the seed to the grave...Copy !req
818. Master!Copy !req
819. Hey, is there another way down?Copy !req
820. Is there another path
down to the river?Copy !req
821. Please, please, help me!
I've got to get—Copy !req
822. My foot!Copy !req
823. - Damn! Damn! Damn!
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
824. - Damn! Damn and blast it!
- I'm sorry!Copy !req
825. Don't you shush me. Eighteen years
of total silence, and you shush me.Copy !req
826. - What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years.Copy !req
827. Not a single recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.Copy !req
828. Please be quiet
for another five minutes.Copy !req
829. It doesn't matter now,
I might as well enjoy myself.Copy !req
830. The times in the last 18 years
I wanted to shout and sing...Copy !req
831. and scream my name out!
Oh, I'm alive!Copy !req
832. I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive—Copy !req
833. Get off! I'm alive!Copy !req
834. Master! Master!Copy !req
835. The master! He is here!Copy !req
836. - The shoe!
- It was the gourd!Copy !req
837. The shoe has brought us!Copy !req
838. Speak! Speak to us, master!
Speak to us!Copy !req
839. - Go away!
- A blessing! A blessing!Copy !req
840. - How shall we go away, master?
- Just go away and leave me alone.Copy !req
841. Give us a sign.Copy !req
842. He has given us a sign,
he has brought us to this place!Copy !req
843. I didn't bring you here!
You just followed me!Copy !req
844. It's still a good sign,
by any standard.Copy !req
845. Master, your people have walked
many miles to be with you.Copy !req
846. They are weary and have not eaten.Copy !req
847. - It's not my fault they haven't eaten!
- There is no food in this high mountain.Copy !req
848. What about the juniper bushes
over there?Copy !req
849. A miracle! A miracle!Copy !req
850. He has made the bush
fruitful by his word!Copy !req
851. They brought forth juniper berries!Copy !req
852. Of course they brought forth
juniper berries, they're juniper bushes.Copy !req
853. What do you expect?Copy !req
854. Show us another miracle.Copy !req
855. Do not tempt him, shallow ones!Copy !req
856. Is not the miracle
of the juniper bushes enough?Copy !req
857. - I say, those are my juniper bushes.
- They are a gift from God!Copy !req
858. They're all I've bloody got to eat.Copy !req
859. I say, get off of those bushes!
Go on! Clear off, the lot of you.Copy !req
860. - Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.
- I'm healed!Copy !req
861. - The master has healed me!
- I didn't touch him!Copy !req
862. I was blind, and now I can see!Copy !req
863. A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!Copy !req
864. Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.Copy !req
865. A miracle! He is the Messiah!Copy !req
866. And he hurt my foot!Copy !req
867. Hurt my foot, Lord!
Hurt mine! Hurt mine!Copy !req
868. - Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah!Copy !req
869. I say you are, Lord.
And I should know, I've followed a few!Copy !req
870. - Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah!Copy !req
871. Would you please listen, I am not
the Messiah, do you understand?Copy !req
872. Honestly!Copy !req
873. Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.Copy !req
874. What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?Copy !req
875. - All right, I am the Messiah!
- He is! He is the Messiah!Copy !req
876. Now, fuck off!Copy !req
877. - How shall we fuck off, Lord?
- Just go away! Leave me alone!Copy !req
878. You told these people
to eat my juniper berries.Copy !req
879. You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...Copy !req
880. and then you try and clean up
on my juniper bushes!Copy !req
881. Lay off! This is the Messiah,
the chosen one!Copy !req
882. - No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!Copy !req
883. An unbeliever!Copy !req
884. - Persecute! Kill the heretic!
- Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
885. - Kill!
- Leave him alone!Copy !req
886. Leave him alone!Copy !req
887. Leave him alone.Copy !req
888. Put him down. Please!Copy !req
889. Brian?Copy !req
890. Judith?Copy !req
891. Look, there he is!
The chosen one has woken!Copy !req
892. Brian!Copy !req
893. Mother!Copy !req
894. - Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!Copy !req
895. - Hello, Mother.
- Don't you "hello, Mother" me.Copy !req
896. What are those people doing
out there?Copy !req
897. Well, I...Copy !req
898. Come on! What have you
been up to, my lad?Copy !req
899. I think they must have
popped by for something.Copy !req
900. Popped by? Swelled by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!Copy !req
901. They started following me yesterday.Copy !req
902. Well, they can stop following
you right now.Copy !req
903. Now stop following my son.Copy !req
904. You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.Copy !req
905. The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!Copy !req
906. - The who?
- The Messiah!Copy !req
907. There's no Messiah in here.Copy !req
908. There's a mess all right,
but no Messiah.Copy !req
909. Now go away!Copy !req
910. Brian! Brian!Copy !req
911. Right, my lad,
what have you been up to?Copy !req
912. - Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.Copy !req
913. They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.Copy !req
914. - What have you been telling them?
- Nothing, I—Copy !req
915. You're only making it worse
for yourself.Copy !req
916. Look, I can explain—Copy !req
917. No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
Your son is a born leader!Copy !req
918. Those people out there
are following him...Copy !req
919. because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope.Copy !req
920. Hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!Copy !req
921. - Who's that!
- That's Judith, Mum.Copy !req
922. Judith, Mother.Copy !req
923. Show us the Messiah!Copy !req
924. Now you listen here,
he's not the Messiah!Copy !req
925. He's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!Copy !req
926. - Who are you?
- I'm his mother, that's who.Copy !req
927. Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!Copy !req
928. Hail to thee, mother of Brian!Copy !req
929. Blessed art thou! Hosanna!Copy !req
930. All things to thee, now and always!Copy !req
931. Now, don't think you can
get around me like that.Copy !req
932. He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.Copy !req
933. Now shove off!Copy !req
934. No!Copy !req
935. - Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!Copy !req
936. - Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?
- Yes!Copy !req
937. All right then, you can see him...Copy !req
938. for one minute,
but not one second more!Copy !req
939. - Do you understand?
- Yes.Copy !req
940. - Promise?
- Well, all right.Copy !req
941. All right, here he is then.
Come on, Brian, come and talk to them.Copy !req
942. - But, Mum, Judith—
- Leave that Welsh tart alone.Copy !req
943. I don't really want to, Mum.Copy !req
944. - Good morning!
- A blessing! A blessing!Copy !req
945. No, please. Please, please, listen!Copy !req
946. I've got one or two things to say.Copy !req
947. Tell us! Tell us both of them!Copy !req
948. Look, you've got it all wrong!
You don't need to follow me.Copy !req
949. You don't need to follow anybody!Copy !req
950. You've got to think for yourselves.
You're all individuals!Copy !req
951. Yes, we're all individuals!Copy !req
952. You're all different.Copy !req
953. Yes, we are all different!Copy !req
954. I'm not.Copy !req
955. You've all got to work it out
for yourselves!Copy !req
956. Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!Copy !req
957. Exactly!Copy !req
958. - Tell us more!
- No, that's the point!Copy !req
959. Don't let anyone tell you what to do!Copy !req
960. - Otherwise— Oh, no!
- That's enough! That's enough.Copy !req
961. That wasn't a minute.Copy !req
962. - Oh, yes, it was.
- Oh, no, it wasn't!Copy !req
963. Now stop that, and go away.Copy !req
964. - Excuse me?
- Yes?Copy !req
965. Are you a virgin?Copy !req
966. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
967. Well, if it's not a personal question,
are you a virgin?Copy !req
968. If it's not a personal question?
How much more personal can you get?Copy !req
969. Now piss off.Copy !req
970. - She is.
- Must be. Definitely.Copy !req
971. Definitely. Definitely.Copy !req
972. Morning, Savior!Copy !req
973. Lay your hands on me! Quick!Copy !req
974. Now, don't jostle the chosen one!
Please!Copy !req
975. Don't push that baby in the
Savior's face! He'll touch it later!Copy !req
976. I say...Copy !req
977. Could he see my wife?
She has a headache.Copy !req
978. You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!Copy !req
979. She's very bad,
and we've got a luncheon!Copy !req
980. Look, the lepers are queuing!Copy !req
981. Her brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath.Copy !req
982. Can I introduce you to the man who's
letting us have the mounts on Sunday?Copy !req
983. - Hello.
- Don't push!Copy !req
984. Now keep the noise down, please!Copy !req
985. Those possessed by devils...Copy !req
986. try and keep them under control
a bit! Can't you?Copy !req
987. Incurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.Copy !req
988. Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?Copy !req
989. Brian?Copy !req
990. Brian! You were fantastic!Copy !req
991. - You weren't so bad yourself.
- No, what you said just now!Copy !req
992. - Quite extraordinary!
- What? Oh, that. Was it?Copy !req
993. We don't need leaders!
You're so right!Copy !req
994. Reg has been dominating us
for too long.Copy !req
995. Well, yes...Copy !req
996. It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian!Copy !req
997. You're very attractive.Copy !req
998. It's our revolution!
We can all do it together!Copy !req
999. I think...Copy !req
1000. We're all behind you, Brian!
The revolution is in your hands!Copy !req
1001. What?
No, that's not what I meant at all!Copy !req
1002. You're fucking nicked,
me old beauty!Copy !req
1003. Right!Copy !req
1004. Stop it!Copy !req
1005. Well, Brian, you've given us
a good run for our money.Copy !req
1006. A what?Copy !req
1007. And this time,
I guarantee you will not escape.Copy !req
1008. Guard!
Do we have any crucifixions today?Copy !req
1009. 139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.Copy !req
1010. Right! Now we have 140!
Nice round number, eh, Biggus?Copy !req
1011. - Hail Caesar!
- Hail!Copy !req
1012. The crowd are getting restless, sir.
Permission to disperse them, please.Copy !req
1013. Disperse them?
But I haven't addressed them yet!Copy !req
1014. No, I know, sir, but—Copy !req
1015. My address is a high point
of Passover!Copy !req
1016. My friend Biggus Dickus has come
all the way from Rome to hear it!Copy !req
1017. - Hail Caesar!
- Hail Caesar!Copy !req
1018. You're not...Copy !req
1019. You're not thinking of giving
it a miss this year, then, sir?Copy !req
1020. Give it a miss?Copy !req
1021. Well, it's just that they're
in a rather funny mood today, sir.Copy !req
1022. Really, centurion!Copy !req
1023. I'm surprised to hear a man like you
rattled by a rabble of rowdy rebels.Copy !req
1024. - A bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away!Copy !req
1025. I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly!Copy !req
1026. And crucify him well!Copy !req
1027. Biggus!Copy !req
1028. - I really wouldn't, sir!
- Out of the way, centurion!Copy !req
1029. Let me come with you, Pontius.Copy !req
1030. I may be of assistance
if there is a sudden crisis!Copy !req
1031. Right! Now, item four:
attainment of world supremacy...Copy !req
1032. within the next five years. Francis,
you've done some work on this?Copy !req
1033. Yeah, thank you, Reg.Copy !req
1034. Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...Copy !req
1035. unless we can smash the Roman
Empire within the next 12 months!Copy !req
1036. - Twelve months?
- Yeah, 12 months.Copy !req
1037. And let's face it, as empires go,
this is the big one.Copy !req
1038. So we gotta get up off our arses
and stop just talking about it!Copy !req
1039. Hear! Hear!Copy !req
1040. I agree! It's action that counts,
not words, and we need action now!Copy !req
1041. You're right. We could sit around here
all clay, talking, passing resolutions...Copy !req
1042. making clever speeches,
it's not gonna shift one Roman soldier!Copy !req
1043. So let's just stop gabbing on about it!
It's completely pointless...Copy !req
1044. - ... and it's getting us nowhere!
- Right!Copy !req
1045. I agree!
This is a complete waste of time!Copy !req
1046. They've arrested Brian!Copy !req
1047. - What?
- They've dragged him off!Copy !req
1048. They're gonna crucify him!Copy !req
1049. Right!
This calls for immediate discussion!Copy !req
1050. - What?
- Immediate!Copy !req
1051. - Right!
- New motion?Copy !req
1052. Completely new motion!
That there be immediate action...Copy !req
1053. Once the vote has been taken.Copy !req
1054. Obviously once the vote's been taken.
Can't act on a resolution—Copy !req
1055. - Reg, let's go now, please!
- Right! Right!Copy !req
1056. In the light of fresh information
from sibling Judith...Copy !req
1057. - Not so fast, Reg.
- Reg, for God's sake!Copy !req
1058. It's perfectly simple!Copy !req
1059. All you've gotta do is to go out
of that door now...Copy !req
1060. and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!Copy !req
1061. It's happening, Reg!Copy !req
1062. Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?Copy !req
1063. Yeah, hello.Copy !req
1064. Another little ego trip
from the feminists.Copy !req
1065. - What?
- Sorry, Loretta.Copy !req
1066. Read that back, would you?Copy !req
1067. Next.Copy !req
1068. - Crucifixion?
- Yes.Copy !req
1069. Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.Copy !req
1070. Next.Copy !req
1071. Crucifixion?Copy !req
1072. Good. Out of the door, line on the left,
one cross each. Next.Copy !req
1073. - Crucifixion?
- No, freedom.Copy !req
1074. - What?
- Freedom for me.Copy !req
1075. They said I hadn't done anything
so I could go free and live on an island.Copy !req
1076. That's jolly good.
Well, off you go, then.Copy !req
1077. No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.Copy !req
1078. I see. Very good, very good.Copy !req
1079. Well, out of the door.Copy !req
1080. Out of the door,
one cross each, line on the left.Copy !req
1081. Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion?Copy !req
1082. - Yes.
- Good.Copy !req
1083. People of Jerusalem!Copy !req
1084. Rome is your friend!Copy !req
1085. To prove our friendship,
it is customary at this time...Copy !req
1086. to release a wrongdoer
from our prisons.Copy !req
1087. Whom would you have me release?Copy !req
1088. Release Roger!Copy !req
1089. Release Roger! Release Roger!Copy !req
1090. Very well, I shall release Roger!Copy !req
1091. - Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.
- What?Copy !req
1092. We don't have anyone
of that name, sir.Copy !req
1093. We have no Roger!Copy !req
1094. But what about Roderick, then?Copy !req
1095. Release Roderick! Release Roderick!Copy !req
1096. Centurion, why do they titter so?Copy !req
1097. Just some Jewish joke, sir.Copy !req
1098. Are they ragging me?Copy !req
1099. Oh, no, sir!Copy !req
1100. Very well. I shall release Roderick!Copy !req
1101. Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.Copy !req
1102. - No Roger, no Roderick?
- Sorry, sir.Copy !req
1103. Who is this—? Who is this
Roderick to whom you refer?Copy !req
1104. He is a robber!Copy !req
1105. And a rapist!Copy !req
1106. And a pickpocket!Copy !req
1107. He sounds a notorious criminal.Copy !req
1108. We haven't got him, sir.Copy !req
1109. Do we have anyone in our prisons?Copy !req
1110. - We've got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?Copy !req
1111. Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Silas the Syrian Assassin.Copy !req
1112. Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.Copy !req
1113. Sixty-seven...Copy !req
1114. - Let me speak to them, Pontius!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
1115. Good idea, Biggus!Copy !req
1116. Citizens! We have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler...Copy !req
1117. Silas the Assyrian Assassin...Copy !req
1118. several seditious scribes
from Caesarea—Copy !req
1119. Next.Copy !req
1120. - Crucifixion?
- Yes.Copy !req
1121. Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each. Jailor?Copy !req
1122. - Excuse me? There's been a mistake—
- Just a moment, would you? Jailor?Copy !req
1123. - How many have come through?
- What?Copy !req
1124. How many have come through?Copy !req
1125. What?Copy !req
1126. You'll have to speak...Copy !req
1127. Speak up, sir.
He's— He's d—Copy !req
1128. He's deaf— Deaf as a post, sir.Copy !req
1129. How many have come through?Copy !req
1130. - Oh, dear.
- I make it 90—Copy !req
1131. Ninety—Copy !req
1132. Ninety—Copy !req
1133. Ninety-six, sir.Copy !req
1134. It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?Copy !req
1135. No, sir!Copy !req
1136. Not with these b—
Bastards, sir!Copy !req
1137. Crucifixion's too good for them, sir.Copy !req
1138. I don't think you could
say it's good, it's nasty!Copy !req
1139. It's not as n—Copy !req
1140. Not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.Copy !req
1141. - Now, crucifixion?
- ls there someone I could speak to?Copy !req
1142. - Well...
- I know where to get it if you want it.Copy !req
1143. - What?
- Don't worry about him, sir. He's de—Copy !req
1144. He's deaf and mad, sir.Copy !req
1145. Well, how did he get the job?Copy !req
1146. Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!Copy !req
1147. Get a move on, big nose!Copy !req
1148. There's people waiting
to be crucified out here!Copy !req
1149. Could I see a lawyer or someone?Copy !req
1150. - Do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.Copy !req
1151. How about a retrial?
We've got plenty of time.Copy !req
1152. - Shut up, you!
- Miserable, bloody Romans!Copy !req
1153. No sense of humor.Copy !req
1154. Sorry, bit of a hurry.Copy !req
1155. Can you go straight out, line
on the left, one cross each? Now...Copy !req
1156. Was it something I said?Copy !req
1157. Silence!Copy !req
1158. This man commands a crack legion!Copy !req
1159. He ranks as high as any in Rome!Copy !req
1160. Crucifixion party?Copy !req
1161. Morning.Copy !req
1162. Now, we will be on show
as we go through the town...Copy !req
1163. so let's not let the side down!Copy !req
1164. Keep in a line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...Copy !req
1165. and a good, steady pace.Copy !req
1166. Crosses over your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs hard up...Copy !req
1167. against the crossbeam
you'll be there in no time.Copy !req
1168. All right, centurion!Copy !req
1169. Crucifixion party!Copy !req
1170. Wait for it.Copy !req
1171. Crucifixion party!Copy !req
1172. By the left! Forward!Copy !req
1173. You lucky bastards!Copy !req
1174. You lucky, jabby bastards!Copy !req
1175. Let me shoulder your burden,
brother!Copy !req
1176. Thank you.Copy !req
1177. - Hey! Hey!
- What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
1178. It's not my cross—Copy !req
1179. Shut up and get on with it!
Come on!Copy !req
1180. He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson!Copy !req
1181. All right!Copy !req
1182. I will give you one more chance!Copy !req
1183. This time I want to hear
no Rubens, no Reginalds...Copy !req
1184. no Rudolph
the Red-nosed Reindeers.Copy !req
1185. No Spencer Tracys!Copy !req
1186. Or we shall release no one!Copy !req
1187. Release Brian!Copy !req
1188. Yeah, that's a good one!Copy !req
1189. Release Brian! Release Brian!Copy !req
1190. Very well! That's it!Copy !req
1191. - Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?Copy !req
1192. - You just sent him for crucifixion, sir!
- Wait! Wait! We do have a Brian.Copy !req
1193. - Well, go and free him, straight away!
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1194. Very well. I shall release Brian!Copy !req
1195. - Get a move on, there!
- Or what?Copy !req
1196. Or you'll be in trouble!Copy !req
1197. Oh, dear. You mean
I might have to give up...Copy !req
1198. being crucified in the afternoons?Copy !req
1199. - Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?Copy !req
1200. I wouldn't have nothing to do!Copy !req
1201. Thank you!Copy !req
1202. Are they gone?Copy !req
1203. We've got lumps of it
around the back.Copy !req
1204. What?Copy !req
1205. Don't worry about him sir,
he's ma-Copy !req
1206. - He's mad, sir.
- Have they gone?Copy !req
1207. - Oh, come on.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1208. Anyway, get on with the story.Copy !req
1209. Well, I just never really liked them,
so I—Copy !req
1210. Right! The motion to get on with it
passed with one abstention.Copy !req
1211. I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a second?Copy !req
1212. - Let's just go.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1213. - Bloody Romans!
- Watch it! Still a few crosses left!Copy !req
1214. Up you go, big nose!Copy !req
1215. - I'll get you for this, you bastard!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
1216. Yeah, don't worry.
I never forget a face.Copy !req
1217. - No?
- I warn you.Copy !req
1218. I'm gonna punch you so hard,
you Roman git!Copy !req
1219. Shut up, you Jewish turd!Copy !req
1220. Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!Copy !req
1221. A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section!Copy !req
1222. It doesn't matter!
You're all gonna die in a day or two!Copy !req
1223. It may not matter to you,
but it matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?Copy !req
1224. Oh, rather!Copy !req
1225. Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy...Copy !req
1226. we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.Copy !req
1227. Pharisees separate from Sadducees!Copy !req
1228. And Swedish separate from Welsh!Copy !req
1229. All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!Copy !req
1230. Hands up, all those who
don't want to be crucified here!Copy !req
1231. Right! Next!Copy !req
1232. - Look, it's not my cross.
- What?Copy !req
1233. It's not my cross,
I was holding it for someone.Copy !req
1234. Just lie down, I haven't got all day!Copy !req
1235. Of course.
Look, I hate to make a fuss—Copy !req
1236. Look, we've had a busy day,
and there's 140 of you lot to get up.Copy !req
1237. - Is he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?Copy !req
1238. We don't want more
Samaritans around here.Copy !req
1239. Belt up!Copy !req
1240. Will you let me down
if he comes back?Copy !req
1241. Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down.Copy !req
1242. - Next!
- You don't have to do this!Copy !req
1243. - You don't have to take orders!
- I like orders.Copy !req
1244. See? Not so bad once you're up.Copy !req
1245. - You're being rescued then, are you?
- It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?Copy !req
1246. No, we've got a couple of days
up here.Copy !req
1247. Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.Copy !req
1248. Oh, yeah.
My brother usually rescues me.Copy !req
1249. If he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.Copy !req
1250. Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.Copy !req
1251. Hello. Your family arrived then?Copy !req
1252. Reg!Copy !req
1253. - Hello, sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.Copy !req
1254. I think I should point out in fairness
that we are not the rescue committee.Copy !req
1255. However, I have been asked to read
this prepared statement...Copy !req
1256. on behalf of the movement.Copy !req
1257. "We, the People's Front of Judea,
brackets, officials, end brackets...Copy !req
1258. do hereby convey our sincere...Copy !req
1259. fraternal and sisterly greetings
to you, Brian...Copy !req
1260. - ... on this occasion of your martyrdom."
- What?Copy !req
1261. "Your death will stand as a landmark
in the continuing struggle to liberate...Copy !req
1262. the parent land from the hands
of the Roman imperialist aggressors...Copy !req
1263. excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing...Copy !req
1264. education. And any other Romans
contributing to the welfare of Jews...Copy !req
1265. of both sexes
and hermaphrodites."Copy !req
1266. Signed, "On behalf of the P.F.J.,
et cetera."Copy !req
1267. And I'd just like to add, on
a personal note, my own admiration...Copy !req
1268. for what you're doing for us
and what must be...Copy !req
1269. after all, for you, a difficult time.Copy !req
1270. - Reg! What are you going to do?
- Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.Copy !req
1271. All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad.Copy !req
1272. Terrific work, Brian.Copy !req
1273. Right.Copy !req
1274. For he's a jolly good fellowCopy !req
1275. For he's a jolly good fellowCopy !req
1276. For he's a jolly good fellowCopy !req
1277. And so say all of usCopy !req
1278. And so say all of—Copy !req
1279. You bastards! You bastards!Copy !req
1280. - Where is Brian of Nazareth?
- You sanctimonious bastards!Copy !req
1281. - I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!Copy !req
1282. - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?Copy !req
1283. - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down!Copy !req
1284. I'm Brian of Nazareth!Copy !req
1285. - I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!Copy !req
1286. Look, look, I'm Brian!Copy !req
1287. - I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian and so is my wife!Copy !req
1288. Right! Take him away
and release him!Copy !req
1289. No, I'm only joking.
I'm not really Brian.Copy !req
1290. No, I'm not Brian! I was only—
It was a joke.Copy !req
1291. I'm only pulling your leg!
It's a joke!Copy !req
1292. I'm not him,
I'm just having you on!Copy !req
1293. Put me back!
Bloody Romans, can't take a joke.Copy !req
1294. The Judean People's Front!Copy !req
1295. The Judean People's Front!Copy !req
1296. Forward, all!Copy !req
1297. - Look out! The Judean People's Front!
- The Judean People's Front!Copy !req
1298. The Judean People's Front!Copy !req
1299. We are the Judean People's Front,
crack suicide squad.Copy !req
1300. Suicide squad, attack!Copy !req
1301. That showed them, huh?Copy !req
1302. You silly sods!Copy !req
1303. Brian!Copy !req
1304. Judith!Copy !req
1305. Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me,
and I think it's great what you're doing.Copy !req
1306. Thank you, Brian.
I'll never forget you.Copy !req
1307. So there you are!Copy !req
1308. I might have known
it would end up like this.Copy !req
1309. Just think of all the love
and affection I've wasted on you!Copy !req
1310. Well, if that's how you treat
your poor, old mother...Copy !req
1311. in the autumn years of her life,
all I can say is:Copy !req
1312. Go ahead. Be crucified.
See if I care.Copy !req
1313. - I might have known.
- Mum! Mum!Copy !req
1314. I don't know what
the world is coming to.Copy !req
1315. Cheer up, Brian!Copy !req
1316. You know what they say?Copy !req
1317. Some things in life are bad.Copy !req
1318. They can really make you mad.Copy !req
1319. Other things just make
you swear and curse.Copy !req
1320. When you're chewing on life's gristleCopy !req
1321. Don't grumble
Give a whistleCopy !req
1322. And this'll help things
Turn out for the bestCopy !req
1323. AndCopy !req
1324. Always look on the bright side of lifeCopy !req
1325. Always look on the light side of lifeCopy !req
1326. If life seems jolly rottenCopy !req
1327. There's something you've forgottenCopy !req
1328. And that's to laugh and smile
And dance and singCopy !req
1329. When you're feeling in the dumpsCopy !req
1330. Don't be silly chumpsCopy !req
1331. Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thingCopy !req
1332. And always look on
The bright side of lifeCopy !req
1333. Come on!Copy !req
1334. Always look on the right side of lifeCopy !req
1335. For life is quite absurdCopy !req
1336. And death's the final wordCopy !req
1337. You must always face
The curtain with a bowCopy !req
1338. Forget about your sinCopy !req
1339. Give the audience a grinCopy !req
1340. Enjoy it
It's your last chance anyhowCopy !req
1341. So always look on
The bright side of deathCopy !req
1342. Just before
You draw your terminal breathCopy !req
1343. Life's a piece of shitCopy !req
1344. When you look at itCopy !req
1345. Life's a laugh and death's a joke
It's trueCopy !req
1346. You'll see it's all a showCopy !req
1347. Keep 'em laughing as you goCopy !req
1348. Just remember that
The last laugh is on youCopy !req
1349. And always look on
The bright side of lifeCopy !req
1350. Always look on the right side of lifeCopy !req
1351. Come on, Brian! Cheer up!Copy !req
1352. Always look on the bright side of lifeCopy !req
1353. Always look on the bright side of lifeCopy !req
1354. Worse things happen at sea,
you know?Copy !req
1355. Always look on the bright side of lifeCopy !req
1356. What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing...Copy !req
1357. you're going back to nothing,
what have you lost?Copy !req
1358. Nothing!Copy !req
1359. Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say?Copy !req
1360. Cheer up, you old bugger!Copy !req
1361. Come on! Give us a grin!
There you are!Copy !req
1362. See? The end of the film. Incidentally,
this record is available in the foyer.Copy !req
1363. Some of us have got to live
as well, you know?Copy !req
1364. Who do you think pays
for all this rubbish?Copy !req
1365. They're not gonna make
their money back, you know.Copy !req
1366. I told them. I said to him.Copy !req
1367. "Bernie," I said,
"They'll never make their money back."Copy !req