Let's Start a Cult (2024)

1. Why do you think you're ready to transcend?

2. Why?

3. Because I've listened to every word you've said.

4. I've studied the scripts that you have wrote.

5. I've listened to every speech.

6. I've— I've cataloged every moment.

7. I don't think there's a way that I'm not ready to transcend.

8. I hunger for the next realm.

9. I can't wait.

10. I mean, because it sounds fucking sick, honestly.

11. This tree that we're on is burning

12. and it's telling us to get off.

13. It's too hot.

14. It's full of pain.

15. In my heart, I know that we're meant to be so much more.

16. I had a family before, and I left them to come with you.

17. Because of your teachings, I convinced a Chinese lady

18. with dementia I was her son.

19. I don't even know how it happened,

20. but just kind of channeling you—

21. and I got like $13,000 out of her before she realized I

22. didn't actually know how to speak Mandarin.

23. I was just kind of doing the sounds.

24. Any final thoughts?

25. Just thank you.

26. I feel too lucky to have met this family.

27. Me and you fucking getting slurped up.

28. God's watching.

29. Buddha will probably be there.

30. Let's all try to get along.

31. Marilyn Monroe. Oh.

32. You're getting it from the back.

33. Oh.

34. You know what I'm saying?

35. Even if there's one person that we may not like—

36. Maybe Marlon Brando.

37. You ever see him when he was young?

38. Piece of ass.

39. And in heaven, being gay is not bad.

40. It's actually cool.

41. Let's welcome him into our fold.

42. I can't wait to spend forever with you, dawg.

43. It's going to be awesome, me and you forever.

44. Forever.

45. Worms, that's all we are—

46. wasting our days writhing in the mud, bound to vessels

47. that suffocate our potential.

48. But for this family, for those who know the truth, today

49. we reject our earthly bondage and embrace

50. our rightful destiny.

51. Today we grow legs, sprout wings, and open eyes

52. that see for the first time.

53. Today we return to Jalanzana.

54. To Jalanzana.

55. Xana.

56. Hey, dude, check it out.

57. What?

58. Look down, dude.

59. Look.

60. Fuck you.

61. You're disgusting.

62. Do we have a rag I could wipe this with?

63. Or honestly, a whole new cup would be a lot better, actually.

64. No. Just drink it.

65. Kathleen just rubbed her whole mouth on it right before me.

66. - So what? - So what?

67. So I'm clean as a whistle.

68. I'm not trying to get herpes all over

69. my thinking balls 'cause you rubbed your dirty ass lips all

70. over the fucking thing.

71. Chip.

72. Fine.

73. All right, that's it. We're done.

74. What? Come on.

75. It was just a practice run. Who cares?

76. Punishment barn.

77. I've been in the punishment barn all month.

78. Fuck you, Kathleen.

79. Shut your mouth.

80. Stupid raccoons ate all my kettle corns and on-the-go

81. desserts.

82. What's up?

83. How are we doing. What's up, Gabe?

84. Good morning.

85. Good morning.

86. Fuck you, dude.

87. I'm just fucking around.

88. Can I get some coffee or what?

89. - Morning family. - Morning.

90. William.

91. Good morning.

92. Thank you.

93. William— hello and good morning, Will.

94. I was just wondering— and you know how I hate bringing stuff

95. up over and over again, so I'm hoping we can just settle this

96. right now—

97. I was just wondering if I could have a gun or a long sword,

98. like longer than what I got now.

99. Because the setup now, dude, is not snagging these raccoons

100. and they are running buck wild on my various oats

101. and approved crackers.

102. What's the question?

103. May I have a gun?

104. No.

105. OK.

106. Agenda B, is it possible to get the generator in the mix?

107. Because it might not feel like it indoors,

108. but when you're sleeping outside,

109. it gets pretty cold at night.

110. And I would love to just plug in the space heater.

111. Are we hearing this?

112. Somebody seems to forget, after tonight,

113. he's going to be kept plenty warm by the Celestial Bosom.

114. I know.

115. I'm sorry.

116. I'm fucking stupid.

117. It's going to be awesome, the Bosom,

118. and I'm jacked for that shit.

119. So rescinded.

120. Request rescinded.

121. Everybody gather around.

122. So today is obviously a joyous day, and we have so much to do.

123. But it is Tuesday, so you know what that means.

124. It's—

125. Ice cream Tuesday!

126. I thought that it couldn't possibly be Ice Cream Tuesday,

127. but it is Ice Cream Tuesday.

128. All right.

129. Oh, fuck.

130. All right, well, Elizabeth and I are going to get ready to go

131. to town and when we get back, I'm trusting all of you to have

132. everything ready for our special night, mm-kay?

133. Mm-kay.

134. Guys.

135. Guys.

136. What a meal.

137. Gabriel and Jefferson, that's got to be in your top 10 stews.

138. And a little birdie told me there might be a cake.

139. Yeah, but I mean, the stew was so rich and good.

140. I mean, cake on top of that?

141. A little over the top, right?

142. No, I don't think so.

143. Time for cake. - Yeah.

144. No, I know, but I'm just saying, like, we

145. got the whole we're transcending and we got the whole ceremony.

146. Who wants to be, like, bloated for that?

147. Jefferson, would you mind going and getting the cake?

148. It would be my honor.

149. Yeah, he should—

150. he should get the cake.

151. That's right.

152. The only thing better than a stew and a Cola

153. is a stew and a Cola and some cake.

154. That's so true.

155. He just— yeah, that's good.

156. Huh.

157. Well, personally, I would have made the cake a little bigger

158. myself, but it is a beautiful message, guys.

159. Whee.

160. Right?

161. We're on a roller coaster.

162. This life of ours, huh?

163. Chip, did you eat the cake?

164. For the last time, no.

165. Outside.

166. Now.

167. I wasn't even that much of fuck.

168. I did a little bit.

169. Clearly, punishments don't work.

170. So instead of punishing you, I'm going to empower you.

171. I had a task I had planned to entrust to Jefferson,

172. but obviously, now he has to bake a new cake.

173. Yeah.

174. Whatever it is, I'll do it.

175. I just need you to mail an envelope.

176. Are we sending a bomb to City Hall?

177. No, it's our tape that we're sending to News Line

178. to Georgeanne Jennings, to show the world what we've done here.

179. Yes, that's a beautiful plan, and I will execute it

180. to perfection for you.

181. It's already stamped and addressed.

182. All you have to do is put it in the mailbox

183. outside the Snack-And-Go.

184. Can I get a Mr. Slush?

185. Once the envelope is in the mailbox,

186. you may get a Mr. slush.

187. Yes. Thank you, William.

188. Thank you so much.

189. I will not squander this opportunity.

190. I love crackers.

191. It would have been nice.

192. Would you guys like to join me in the basement?

193. I'd love to run something by you.

194. Fuck.

195. Look Goddamit.

196. Guys, bad news.

197. Somebody tried to jump me.

198. I fought him off, obviously, but he

199. did pour his slush all over the envelope.

200. We are going to need a new one.

201. Hello?

202. Where is everybody?

203. Chip!

204. Oh my gosh, Chip.

205. My Chippy is home.

206. My brother.

207. Oh, my big baby.

208. Oh.

209. Hey.

210. How are you?

211. My son's home.

212. Look at you.

213. What the hell happened to you?

214. Stop jerking off, it's time to go to work.

215. You want me all backed up in the workplace, dumb ass?

216. You need to learn to cum faster.

217. All due respect, Ma, how about a fucking pancake every once

218. in a while?

219. Pancakes didn't get your father, brother,

220. and me losing over 300 pounds combined.

221. Doesn't that motivate you, make you

222. want to make that number 600, maybe 700?

223. 700?

224. How fucking fat do you think I am?

225. How am I supposed to perform at work if I'm operating

226. in a caloric deficit all day?

227. Ha, you mean clock in and play Minesweep for eight hours?

228. Is that what you're talking about, work?

229. Take a look around you, Chip.

230. Look at this beautiful home.

231. Look at the clothes on your back.

232. The certified pre-owned Ford Taurus in the driveway.

233. You think your father could have given us all that if he'd

234. been playing computer all day?

235. The answer is no.

236. It took determination and the ability

237. to sell the shit out of some gravel.

238. Your brother gets it.

239. It's more than just piles of rocks.

240. Chip, I'm sick of the excuses, kid.

241. You either make a sale today or you start

242. looking elsewhere for work.

243. Elsewhere for work? How?

244. I have no other skills.

245. Maybe you shouldn't have spent five years

246. being a sumo wrestler in China.

247. For the last time, Mom, I was training

248. to be a karate champion in Tokyo,

249. but the day before the big championship,

250. my sensei betrayed me and stole my beautiful girlfriend, Akiko.

251. I was too heartbroken to fight, and that's why I lost.

252. Doesn't anybody fucking listen to me in this house?

253. Enough!

254. Make a sale today or you're fired.

255. Hi, this is Chip Harper from Harper & Son Gravel.

256. Now, it's your lucky day because we

257. have some incredible new deals on some fresh, hot rocks.

258. Well, I don't know.

259. Would you consider sharing information

260. with a friend a threat?

261. So you're saying you've never had us out there

262. for gravel maintenance?

263. Your driveway must look like fucking shit.

264. You know, people are talking.

265. They're saying, if that's what the outside looks like,

266. imagine how fucked up it is inside.

267. Yeah, your driveway is so fucked up, an officer of the law

268. believes you got junkies in there shooting up, sucking,

269. and fucking all over your carpets.

270. I need you to go into your mommy's purse,

271. take out her credit card, and then just really slowly

272. read me every number.

273. It's 5 o'clock, idiot.

274. You're fired.

275. You're fired.

276. What the fuck?

277. I was going to close that.

278. Saboteur.

279. Serpent.

280. Fired!

281. I'm going to fucking kill you, Cody.

282. The disgraced zoologist was eventually

283. cleared of any inappropriate conduct with the chimpanzee.

284. For News Line, I'm Georgeanne Jennings.

285. What the fuck even is this little round rice?

286. It's called "quin-yo-oa," and it is an ancient grain from

287. the jungles of Peru.

288. The people who grew it have never even seen

289. civilization before.

290. Our top story tonight, a Grizzly discovery

291. in an upstate cabin, as the decomposed remains of five

292. individuals have been found.

293. The result of an apparent mass suicide.

294. A group of local teens made the gruesome discovery

295. after breaking into the abandoned cabin,

296. possibly to explore one another's bodies.

297. Authorities speculate that this was a doomsday cult

298. and have released this photo found at the scene.

299. Police asked for any information regarding the red-haired man

300. in the center.

301. Police are also searching for a potential seventh member

302. of the cult as a mysterious obese hand can be seen

303. at the very edge of the photo.

304. These bozos.

305. What a bunch of dopes.

306. That's probably for the best.

307. If I dressed like that, I'd kill myself, too.

308. Yeah, that guy in the middle needs to cut that hair.

309. Pumpkin-headed bitch.

310. I bet they're all banging each other.

311. I'm sure nobody else wants to.

312. You know what?

313. Five less freaks walking around, if you ask me.

314. What do you think, Chip?

315. Chip?

316. Chip?

317. William, you fucking piece of shit.

318. I'm coming to get you, motherfucker.

319. You seen this guy?

320. Nothing.

321. Seen this person?

322. Don't look at me like that.

323. Shit.

324. Oh, God.

325. I'm so sorry.

326. I thought you were this guy that ruined my life.

327. Well, obviously I'm not. Jesus.

328. OK, relax.

329. You're really milking this, lady.

330. Hey, where'd you get that?

331. It's none of your business, you shit ass.

332. God.

333. Hey. Hi, there.

334. Yeah, hi.

335. Listen, you ever see this piece of shit?

336. Yeah, I wish.

337. I'd love to see a cartoon in real life.

338. No, it's a real guy.

339. You know, he looks like one of our old regulars.

340. Yeah, bad guy.

341. I don't think I can prove it, but I

342. think he stole our birthday prize wheel.

343. Yeah, I haven't seen them in months, though.

344. Shit.

345. You know what?

346. I wouldn't be surprised if he was mixed up

347. in that cult stuff in the news.

348. Why do you ask?

349. Are you a policeman?

350. Yeah, I'm undercover, FBI.

351. Listen, you happen to remember this freak's favorite flavor?

352. Oh, sure.

353. Yeah strawberry?

354. I prefer vanilla myself, you know.

355. Pal, listen, with all due respect,

356. I don't need your life story.

357. I'm on an investigation, OK?

358. So what I need you to do right now,

359. give me two scoops of strawberry in the cone

360. with sprinkles on the house.

361. I got to get in the mind of this freak.

362. Can you help me scoop the ice cream?

363. What?

364. Get the fuck out of here.

365. Oh, balloons for birthday parties.

366. You fucking bastard.

367. You fucking piece of shit.

368. I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you.

369. Eat your fucking nose.

370. How could you cut me out?

371. I don't know what you're talking about.

372. I'm Silly Billy. - Oh, you're Silly Billy, huh?

373. Well, I was looking for my old pal William,

374. but I guess I'm going to have to kill a fucking clown.

375. It's me, William. It's William.

376. - Is it? - Yes, it is.

377. Why aren't you dead?

378. Why aren't I dead, either? - I can talk.

379. I just need you to get off me.

380. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.

381. You were dead lying with the rest of them.

382. The universe had another plan for me.

383. Fuck this.

384. I'm going to the cops.

385. I did die, Chip, but I was sent back to get you.

386. To get me?

387. Why the fuck didn't you just take me with you

388. in the first place?

389. Believe me, I wanted to, but the others

390. insisted we transcend without you.

391. I was overruled.

392. Bullshit.

393. And I think, because they had so much hatred

394. in their hearts for you, that they didn't

395. return to Jalanzana at all.

396. They went to Golgomorth.

397. And because I had nothing but love in my heart for you,

398. I was spared.

399. No, fuck that.

400. You're fucking lying.

401. Didn't you see me there, dead, with your own eyes?

402. Yeah.

403. Why else would I be back from the dead?

404. I'm not a magician.

405. I don't know.

406. Maybe you had some, like, unfinished business

407. or something. - Right.

408. Maybe you had to fix the biggest fuck up of your whole life.

409. Exactly.

410. You couldn't transcend without me.

411. We need each other.

412. That's right.

413. We need each other.

414. We have to start a new family.

415. What's that?

416. You said it yourself, the last one was full of snakes.

417. They betrayed both of us.

418. You weren't meant to die with them

419. and I wasn't meant to sell fucking gravel.

420. They sent you back for me.

421. We get another crack at this, dude.

422. We're going to do it right this time.

423. With your knowledge and my power, we're unstoppable, right?

424. That's what you're saying, right?

425. More or less.

426. And we're actually going to transcend this time

427. because we'll both be leaders, co-leaders.

428. Well—

429. Or you could go to fucking jail.

430. Why are you a clown, dude?

431. Well, think about it.

432. I've been living in the woods for a while.

433. Eventually, I ran out of food.

434. I have to go out, so I figured nobody

435. can tell who I am in this.

436. So I go out.

437. I get work.

438. I get money.

439. I get food.

440. I go back to the woods.

441. Kind of an ideal situation, given the circumstances.

442. But now the heat's probably off a little bit,

443. I'm kind of looking forward to starting over.

444. Dating?

445. Who knows?

446. Dating?

447. Dude, they found the bodies yesterday.

448. No, they didn't.

449. They found the bodies months ago because once News Line got

450. the tape, the police would have went to the house.

451. See, the thing about the tape, actually,

452. is due to circumstances that were not under my control,

453. I wasn't able to mail the tape.

454. You didn't mail the tape?

455. So where is it?

456. Well, think about me.

457. You sent me out on this important mission

458. and it gets fucked up.

459. Not my fault. So I'm running back

460. to make sure everything goes according to your plan.

461. And how am I rewarded?

462. So I'm pissed off.

463. And I build a fire and I take off all my stuff

464. from the family. I take off my uniform.

465. I throw that in there, my sandals.

466. So you burned the tape?

467. Yeah.

468. Yeah, I burned it.

469. I burned it.

470. I burned the tape.

471. You saved my life, you know that?

472. Really?

473. Yeah.

474. If they had that tape, I'd be in prison right now.

475. Holy shit.

476. This is really meant to be, isn't it?

477. It is.

478. Hey, I got something I got to do,

479. so I'll be right back in just a few hours, OK?

480. No way, dude.

481. From now on we're going everywhere together.

482. We're going to be, like, that type of twin that's

483. like, two guys mashed into each other, sharing armpits and shit.

484. That's going to be us.

485. I hear it's somebody's birthday.

486. Well, kids, my name is Silly Billy,

487. and this is my partner, Pancakes.

488. But pancakes is not allowed to speak because pancakes

489. is in training.

490. So how did you find these guys?

491. Well, we had a Power Ranger bot,

492. but apparently, his house exploded.

493. And the skinny one there, he's always

494. giving me balloons in the park so I felt bad for him.

495. Hey, cakes fell off the horse.

496. I have to give him CPR.

497. - I got to piss. - All right.

498. It's going to happen.

499. Actually, Pancakes needs to go inside right now and do

500. something else.

501. So he'll do that and we'll see what we got in here.

502. I need to get in shape.

503. I guess I'll jump rope.

504. Oh, sorry about that.

505. What exactly are you up to down here, young man?

506. Let's blow one up, huh?

507. Oh.

508. Dude, I know, homework fucking sucks, dude.

509. I wonder where pancakes is.

510. Where's pancakes?

511. Better hurry up and get back up here

512. and come back upstairs right now.

513. Look at the hot dog.

514. Now, you see, a lot of people think that,

515. but the fighting is actually the easy part of "ka-ra-tay."

516. What's hard is the iron lung discipline.

517. See, not a lot of people got the kind of discipline

518. I did, but I think you got it in you, kid.

519. Thanks, Pancakes.

520. Mister!

521. Take it easy, lady, I'm high.

522. You're moving so slow.

523. What's happening?

524. This woman thinks I'm trying to fuck her son.

525. I never said that.

526. Good, 'cause I wasn't.

527. OK, you perverts need to get the hell out.

528. Now!

529. We are so sorry, ma'am.

530. We will just take our payment and be out of your hair.

531. Payment?

532. This lunatic gave drugs to my son.

533. Hey, he smoked me out.

534. Are you mad at me?

535. Yeah, I am.

536. I guess we really needed that 80 bucks, huh?

537. Yeah, we did.

538. That was kind of the whole point.

539. I guess we should probably just give up?

540. Yeah, I think that's the play.

541. Yeah, maybe it is.

542. Or maybe it fucking isn't, you fucking dummy.

543. Look at this shit, huh?

544. There's 200 bones in here.

545. Serves that lady right, leaving her purse

546. unattended in her own home.

547. Hey, and that's not it.

548. Huh?

549. That's real gold.

550. We came up with, like, 600 bucks just now, William.

551. Cheer up, you little fucker.

552. Hey, if you're going to do stuff

553. like that, though, you got to run it by me, OK?

554. OK.

555. We're co-leaders now.

556. You deserve— you know, I should never go rogue ever again.

557. Co-leaders always align, and from now on I

558. will run everything by you.

559. Starting now.

560. What do we do next, co-leader?

561. OK, I have a place we can go, but we cannot show up like this.

562. I could use a shower, too.

563. Yeah, dude, you're right about that.

564. I didn't to say anything, but you

565. smell like an armpit took a shit in a lady's pussy.

566. You smelly stinky.

567. I cannot wait to get some followers.

568. I think we need like 10 or 15 to start.

569. We can start with one and we'll see how that goes.

570. Whoa, that guy looks strong.

571. Yeah, but he's not what we're looking for.

572. OK?

573. Oh, that guy looks strong and cool.

574. Not our guy.

575. Who exactly are we looking for here, man?

576. Someone with a certain energy.

577. That's our guy.

578. 13.

579. Wow, look at you go.

580. Excuse me.

581. Sorry.

582. Sorry about that.

583. Oh, gosh, the Army sure is lucky to have you.

584. Yeah, well, they actually decided

585. to go in a different direction today.

586. Oh, no.

587. Why is that?

588. They said I have something called celery bones, which

589. is like where the bone is a horseshoe style dead around.

590. So I can't do it.

591. Somebody as strong as you?

592. And you even have the outfit.

593. They say dress for the job you want, right?

594. They don't say how to dress when you don't get it.

595. About how old are you?

596. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm Tyler.

597. I'm 25. It's nice to meet you.

598. - It's nice to meet you, too. - Yeah.

599. That's a great name, by the way.

600. Tyler, I got to tell you, if I was the Army,

601. I'd make you a five-star general.

602. I appreciate that, sir, but you are not the real Army,

603. and they don't want me.

604. Yeah, well, I do.

605. I agree with William.

606. I would make you like an eight-star general.

607. He's William, by the way.

608. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

609. I'm Chip.

610. Well, William and Chimp, it was nice to meet you guys.

611. Chip.

612. Well, it was nice to meet you guys, but I don't know.

613. I just have to go figure out what I'm going

614. to do with the rest of my life.

615. So adios, I guess.

616. Maybe we could help you with that.

617. Do you like bowling?

618. Yes, I do.

619. The balls are fucked here, dude.

620. So you guys are like a family?

621. We're not like a family.

622. We are a family.

623. Except we don't have the petty squabbles

624. a family has because we've chosen one another.

625. That's right.

626. No asshole brothers barging on your privacy,

627. dad threatening to fire you.

628. No Uncle Aaron stuffing you in a sleeping bag,

629. not letting your ass out, swinging you around

630. like a sack of wet meat.

631. And you're like, screaming, like.

632. Help me.

633. Let me out.

634. And yet he doesn't let you out and you nearly sweat to death.

635. Right.

636. None of that shit, no.

637. And we'll fuck your uncle up if you want.

638. Oh, he was in chronic pain.

639. He ended it.

640. Oh, well, if he was alive, we'd fuck him up.

641. Even if he was, like, old as shit or in a wheelchair

642. or had one of those fucked up little hands.

643. That's true. We would.

644. Really?

645. Appreciate that, guys.

646. Gosh.

647. Dude, you're going to learn so much from us.

648. It might be hard for you to imagine,

649. but I wasn't always this good at leadership.

650. William taught me.

651. And together, we're both going to teach you.

652. That's right.

653. Cool.

654. We should hit the road, but maybe you

655. want to pick up a change of clothes?

656. Perhaps anything else of value you might own.

657. It's a beautiful thing.

658. We share it all.

659. I'm kind of in, like, a transitional phase right now,

660. but I might have a couple things back in my place.

661. I got to say, I'm not really finding much here.

662. Dude, speak for yourself.

663. Look at this thing, huh?

664. This will come in handy the next time

665. we need to send a tape to the news, huh?

666. Hey, Tyler, I had a question about this.

667. Is this gold? Is this made of gold, or—

668. Oh, chill. Chill.

669. That's actually not mine to give away.

670. Whose is it?

671. No.

672. No. No.

673. No. No.

674. You said you were joining the Army,

675. or going to Vietnam or whatever.

676. You can't be in here with a bunch of homeless people.

677. You play with my mind too much, baby.

678. She's playing, guys. She's just kidding.

679. William, Chip, this is my beautiful fiancé, Meredith.

680. You can't call someone your fiancé if they say no.

681. Hey, guys.

682. My name is Bo.

683. I hope I'm not intruding.

684. Meredith and I just had a lovely steak dinner.

685. However, despite the food being delicious,

686. it could not even hold a candle to the conversation.

687. Sounds awesome, man. I'm Tyler.

688. Pleasure to meet you.

689. Thank you for your service, sir.

690. Meredith, have a lovely night, but I

691. think I'm going to go home.

692. What?

693. No.

694. I'm not done with you yet.

695. You're staying here tonight.

696. Meredith, I think you should know I'm leaving town

697. to try and find myself.

698. And God willing, if I come back, I

699. pray I may become a better man, perhaps the men of your dreams.

700. Leave the keys.

701. Come on.

702. Jesus Christ, dude, are you all right?

703. I'm fine, dude.

704. What are you talking about?

705. I'm chilling with my new best friends.

706. I'm having a good time.

707. We should get going, though.

708. It's about that time.

709. Listen, we're about to go on an amazing journey, right?

710. We're going to go see crazy stuff.

711. Let me just give us one gift before we go,

712. a gift of hospitality.

713. Tonight, why don't we stay Casa Tyler style—

714. sleepover right here, like we did when we were babies.

715. Going crazy sounds awesome, but we do kind of need

716. to get going.

717. I'm not taking no for an answer, dude.

718. We're staying here tonight, and we're going to have fun.

719. And you're going to have some drinks at my fridge

720. and we're going to play some games.

721. We're going to have snacks.

722. What kind of snacks?

723. Dried fruit.

724. Bring it on.

725. You're really good at this game, dude.

726. Thanks, man.

727. Psych.

728. I'm about to blast your little nuts.

729. I've never played with someone else before.

730. It's so much more fun.

731. Oh, my God.

732. Oh, yes.

733. Here comes everything.

734. Guys, just remember, if anybody asks,

735. we're here for the conference.

736. Nobody ever asks.

737. Do you know how many free hotel breakfasts

738. I've got in my fucking life?

739. When you make a wish on a star, every dream in your heart

740. might actually come true.

741. What a joke.

742. No, it's a song.

743. It's from a movie about the wooden child.

744. I can't remember the name right now.

745. I can't remember the name of the movie, but it was a wooden boy.

746. And he taught me so many things.

747. He taught me that if you lie, guess what?

748. Your nose will grow as long as a hot dog.

749. Somebody ought to tell her that she'd better

750. watch her nose.

751. - Who, Judge Linda Booch? - Yeah.

752. Why? What'd she do?

753. I was just trying to participate in the conference,

754. you know?

755. Yeah and I asked her a really simple, straightforward

756. question, and she refused to answer in front of everybody

757. and embarrass me.

758. You see those women over there?

759. They're in charge of this stupid event.

760. They also screamed at me.

761. What?

762. And they made me leave the room.

763. Well, that puts them on the naughty list.

764. Yeah, I got a target on my back.

765. I'm Tyler, by the way.

766. It's nice to meet you. - Hi.

767. - Hey. - I'm Diane.

768. - Nice to meet you, Diane. - Nice to meet you.

769. Yeah.

770. What do we tell Tyler about transcending?

771. I say we do it now and get him pumped off the rip.

772. Not yet.

773. It takes time.

774. You have to build trust.

775. All right, well, can we tell him

776. about the Galactic Palace of NamNam Jazar?

777. No.

778. The energy dolphins swimming through an ocean of cloud?

779. Not yet.

780. The seduction of Bound Latham?

781. The Ceremony of Endless Beginnings?

782. Why can't we tell him anything cool?

783. Let me lay it out for you in a way you might understand.

784. Would Colonel Sanders share his secret spice recipe

785. with somebody he just met?

786. Of course not.

787. He's famously tight-lipped with regards to his chicken.

788. And look how successful he is.

789. Holy shit.

790. Morning, ladies.

791. You are all looking very lovely today—

792. for a bunch of snakes.

793. That's my friend right there.

794. That's Diane.

795. That's my new friend.

796. And she was just telling me about your, frankly, disgusting

797. conduct that you showed her this morning.

798. Vile.

799. You are all being vile to her, and that does not

800. sit right with me, OK?

801. So I'm asking you—

802. I am asking you as an American citizen—

803. to go apologize to her right now.

804. No threat.

805. I'm not threatening you, but you must do it.

806. Guys, this is Diane, and I feel like she

807. might be exactly the kind of person we're looking for.

808. - Hi, guys. - Hell, yeah.

809. Welcome, Diane.

810. Well, hold on.

811. The way you guys were talking, you

812. said this group is all about community.

813. It's all about helping kindred spirits, whatever.

814. - Yup. - She's awesome.

815. Right.

816. It's just kind of a vetting process.

817. And I'm sure you're a lovely person, but—

818. Say no more.

819. I totally get it.

820. I don't want to be a burden on you.

821. I've been a burden my whole life.

822. Been pretty much a drain on everyone I've ever met.

823. It's all good.

824. It's nice while it lasted.

825. Bye, guys.

826. Hold on.

827. You didn't let me finish.

828. We were just about to leave.

829. And we just realized that none of us know how to use a map,

830. so we could use someone to help us navigate,

831. and we'd like you to join us.

832. It's my idea.

833. Oh my gosh.

834. Yes.

835. Hell, yeah.

836. - Yes. - Awesome.

837. Awesome.

838. I just have to do one thing really quick,

839. so can I meet you in the parking lot in a couple minutes?

840. - Yeah. - Yeah, for sure.

841. OK, cool. OK.

842. See you then.

843. I can't believe it.

844. Diane.

845. This is awesome.

846. Yeah, it's good.

847. Cool.

848. Dude, I saw what you were doing back there,

849. but I'm actually awesome at maps.

850. The thing you got to do is follow the roads.

851. That's a good trick.

852. I know.

853. I hate you.

854. You're going to tell me who's a good mother, huh?

855. You think you know everything about kids?

856. Where did you get your fricking law degree,

857. from the Toilet University?

858. Nothing.

859. Nothing.

860. Nothing.

861. You don't know anything about kids.

862. You think you're Barney?

863. No, you're not even Mr. Rogers.

864. You're just a dumb, old bitch.

865. Linda, look at me.

866. Fuck you.

867. So um, that was pretty fucking wild back there, huh?

868. What was that about?

869. I know, I'm really sorry.

870. I guess I should explain.

871. So that judge, that little bitch, decided to ruin my life,

872. like, out of nowhere.

873. And she wouldn't even reconsider her insane ruling today.

874. That's what I was doing there.

875. Because of her, I'm not allowed to see my son anymore.

876. What?

877. Not really.

878. You know, I'm not even exactly sure why.

879. I used to do this really fun thing with him, where

880. I would take him to abandon houses

881. and I'd help him through the window,

882. and he'd unlock the door for me and then we would sneak in

883. and we would go exploring.

884. He loved it.

885. He really did. - Wow.

886. Then one day, we went into this house

887. that I really thought was abandoned because it looked

888. like such shit, you know?

889. Really, really bad.

890. But it turns out that guy was living in there.

891. Oh.

892. And they took him away for that?

893. Basically.

894. We set off some fireworks, too, but I never

895. would have done that if I knew that somebody

896. was living in there, you know?

897. Like, I'm not that kind of person anymore.

898. I would never do that.

899. Plus, my ex, Shawn's dad, made up some really bad shit

900. about my work situation right now

901. and the judge took his side, even though I'm his mom.

902. There's nothing like a mother's love.

903. He needs you.

904. I know that was a lot, so I understand

905. if you guys want to pull over to the side of the highway

906. and dump me off.

907. No.

908. What?

909. I know it's hard, but I appreciate your understanding.

910. We all—

911. No.

912. I love the way you handled yourself back then.

913. My family would never fight for me like that.

914. I remember when I was a little kid,

915. one time I was wrongfully accused

916. of stealing six bags of Reese's Pieces from the J & F Market.

917. My mom didn't take my side.

918. She made me give back all the candy to the old ladies that

919. saw me take it.

920. I wish I had a mom that would destroy a Plymouth for me.

921. Really?

922. Dude.

923. Yeah.

924. Thanks, guys.

925. You're really special.

926. I guess my only thing is that you did assault that concierge

927. that pulled you off of the judge's car,

928. so I'm fairly certain that the police are looking for us.

929. OK, so they're probably looking for this car.

930. We dump it and steal a new one.

931. Easy. - That's perfect.

932. Then we add grand theft auto to the charges.

933. Wait, I think I got it.

934. I hate doing the ceiling.

935. I mean, every painter knows, like, doing a ceiling,

936. painting the ceiling, like when it drips—

937. It drips in your mouth and you get sick.

938. Yeah.

939. That's the worst.

940. That's probably— that's got to be my least favorite.

941. I think every paint— if you're a painter, you know.

942. You hate doing the ceiling.

943. Then you got that you got to take a week off

944. and you're bedridden. - Yeah.

945. And then you're staring at the ceiling.

946. You're looking at the ceiling that made you sick.

947. - That's a great sort of irony. - Whoa.

948. Whoa. Whoa.

949. Whoa.

950. What the fuck are you guys doing, huh?

951. What are you doing?

952. Well, we were painting the garage.

953. Yeah, no shit you're painting the garage.

954. You're painting my garage, and I don't want my garage painted.

955. Wait.

956. Wait.

957. When we were talking on the phone,

958. you were like, paint the garage.

959. And you weren't as mad.

960. No.

961. What's the address?

962. 767 Maple—

963. Maple Avenue. Yeah.

964. Yeah.

965. It's yummy, like the syrup. - It's yummy like the syrup.

966. That's how we remember it. - That's how we remember it.

967. Yeah.

968. This is Maple Lane, dickheads.

969. Oh, fuck.

970. - Shit. - Shit.

971. Yeah, you fucked up big time.

972. You sure?

973. Am I sure?

974. It's my fucking house.

975. Get the fuck out of here. Go.

976. - Shit. - This has happened before.

977. Yeah, this—

978. We're sorry about that.

979. - Sorry. - No.

980. No. No.

981. No. Put that down.

982. You don't take your stuff.

983. You get your stuff when you come back with white paint

984. and you paint my garage white, the way

985. it was, the way my beautiful wife designed it.

986. - Sorry about that. - Sorry.

987. Sorry. Sorry to you and your wife.

988. Don't apologize, she's gorgeous.

989. She's an acclaimed Pilates instructor.

990. Oh.

991. Yeah, it's fucking cool.

992. Now leave.

993. We got the crew.

994. Who's ready to become the most awesome version of themselves

995. possible?

996. Me.

997. Yeah, we might be looking at a couple of scrubs right now,

998. but when we get to William's, uh—

999. William, William, tell Diane about this place, man.

1000. Uh, well, it's big.

1001. It's on a lake.

1002. I own it.

1003. It might just be the chrysalis from which

1004. we emerge our true selves, a little slice of paradise.

1005. Paradise.

1006. Fuck yeah. William's paradise.

1007. William's paradise.

1008. William's paradise.

1009. And now the sun is shining all day long.

1010. There'll be no more clouds in the sky,

1011. just the sun for you and I.

1012. Sunshine.

1013. There's only sunshine waiting for you and me.

1014. It's all the happiness we dreamed that it would bring.

1015. There'll be no more clouds in the sky.

1016. No more wondering why.

1017. Sunshine.

1018. What's going on?

1019. Oh, just had to help an injured moose across the road.

1020. Where are we?

1021. Why are you dressed like that?

1022. Well, we were all going pretty stir-crazy in the car.

1023. We figured, fuck it, let's stop and get some new threads.

1024. Went to a little camping store, got decked out.

1025. Don't worry.

1026. We got something for you, too.

1027. What?

1028. You wanted to drive through the whole night?

1029. Yeah.

1030. That's crazy.

1031. We need a little break.

1032. We deserve to kind of chill out, maybe have some dinner.

1033. Huh?

1034. We stopped at a grocery store, and guess what?

1035. We're going to have a little barbecue, camping style.

1036. Our friend Diane here called ahead, got us a great plot.

1037. She's a hell of a negotiator, this one.

1038. Why didn't you wake me up?

1039. Well, come on, dude.

1040. You were out cold.

1041. We tried.

1042. I don't want to go camping.

1043. So basically, I think if my dream were to come true,

1044. it would be to finally guess the amount of jelly beans in the jar

1045. at my mall. - That would be fucking awesome.

1046. That's a great fucking answer, dude.

1047. - Thanks, man. - Hell, yeah.

1048. How about you, Diane?

1049. Wildest dreams.

1050. Wildest dream.

1051. I would want to get a parrot.

1052. OK.

1053. That's nice, but come on.

1054. Think bigger than parrot.

1055. We can get you a parrot.

1056. Anything in the world, what do you want your life to look like?

1057. OK.

1058. I've never told anyone this before,

1059. but um, I would want to be an actress in TV commercials.

1060. You know, like I want to be one of those women by the shower,

1061. and they're spritzing it, and they go, just

1062. look at that shine.

1063. Like that. - Wow.

1064. But I could never. I could never.

1065. Nobody would want me to do that.

1066. What do you mean you could never?

1067. You just did.

1068. Yeah, I would buy $1,000 worth of cleaning supplies off that

1069. pitch alone.

1070. You're a natural.

1071. For real.

1072. And if you're this good now, just

1073. imagine what it's going to be like when we transcend.

1074. What does transcend mean?

1075. I meant—

1076. I didn't say it.

1077. I said tan skin.

1078. When we tan skin at William's paradise,

1079. there's going to be so much—

1080. by the lake, so much sun.

1081. And everybody likes a tan actor, right?

1082. - Yeah. - Hey, Diane?

1083. Diane?

1084. Would you mind going to get us some sodas from the vending

1085. machine? - Totally.

1086. Yeah.

1087. I hope they have grape.

1088. Diet grape for me.

1089. You like the tan skin, right, dude?

1090. I've never been able to.

1091. My skin is like paper.

1092. They should put beer in those, don't you think?

1093. Yeah, I guess so.

1094. I ain't never seen you stay here before.

1095. I know because I'm always here.

1096. That's mine.

1097. You ever been in one of them before?

1098. Man, it's like a big car with a bed.

1099. I didn't catch your name.

1100. It's Gertrude.

1101. Gertrude, I'm going to stop beating around the bush.

1102. I ain't seen something as pretty as you in a long, long time.

1103. And even though you got the name of a real old lady,

1104. I'd like to invite you onto my house and have sex with me.

1105. My wife is taking care of her sister this week.

1106. No, thank you.

1107. Bye.

1108. Door's always open.

1109. Thank you.

1110. Thanks.

1111. And you, William.

1112. Just in time, a little soda to wash down these dogs.

1113. Hey, Tyler, you got to double it up.

1114. What are you doing with a single dog?

1115. I don't even know.

1116. You're embarrassing yourself.

1117. Yeah.

1118. What's the most hot dogs you ever had in a day?

1119. Hey, look who it is.

1120. Yo. You.

1121. What's up, dude?

1122. What is this?

1123. Somebody want to tell me what's happening?

1124. Who is this?

1125. I'm Jim Smith.

1126. I'm part of the family.

1127. OK it's time we come clean.

1128. Earlier, we weren't stopping to help a moose across the road.

1129. We were picking up Jim Smith.

1130. The family grows stronger with another member.

1131. And listen, I know what you're going to say.

1132. We vetted him.

1133. Don't worry.

1134. It's all good.

1135. William's paradise sounds like a dream come true.

1136. Chip?

1137. Chip?

1138. What?

1139. Let's talk.

1140. I'm doing hot dogs.

1141. Now.

1142. Jimmy, why don't you take over for me, buddy?

1143. You like hot dogs?

1144. This is not working.

1145. What are you talking about?

1146. I gave you a chance.

1147. I gave you the keys.

1148. And I'm doing a fucking great job.

1149. You're doing the opposite of a great job.

1150. You're doing everything I said we should not be doing.

1151. You're building too fast.

1152. You're telling them about transcending before they even

1153. know the teachings.

1154. You're spending all our money on camping gear.

1155. You picked up a hitchhiker, who may well be a murderer.

1156. Jim Smith's cool.

1157. You're overreacting.

1158. I really don't think I am.

1159. And you're not going to like this,

1160. but I've made a decision to demote you

1161. from the position of co-leader of this family.

1162. You can't demote me.

1163. No, we're co-leaders.

1164. You don't make that decision by yourself.

1165. I already have.

1166. No, fuck that, because you forgot our arrangement.

1167. Either we do this together as co-leaders or I take you

1168. to the cops. - Oh, interesting.

1169. OK, yeah.

1170. Call the police and they'll come and they'll haul me away.

1171. And then what do you think's going

1172. to happen with all those people when you have nowhere

1173. to take them?

1174. They're going to leave and you're going to be alone.

1175. This is fucked up, dude.

1176. Hey, it's only temporary.

1177. We can reassess once we get to the lake house.

1178. How about that?

1179. I mean, maybe there was one or two

1180. things I could have run by you, but this is fucking extreme,

1181. dude.

1182. Look, one day, when we've transcended together,

1183. you'll understand.

1184. This is a song I used to know in another lifetime,

1185. so I apologize if I'm a little rusty.

1186. They woke up in the dark.

1187. They learned to walk in the dark.

1188. They sang their songs in the dark.

1189. They didn't know the sun.

1190. She wandered from the path they laid.

1191. Said, don't go, you'll be afraid.

1192. I smile.

1193. Turn my eyes toward the sun.

1194. That's crazy.

1195. You go forever and ever and ever.

1196. No.

1197. You're cheating.

1198. Traitor.

1199. Good morning, family.

1200. Good morning, William.

1201. Got you a cup of coffee.

1202. I thought you might like some of that.

1203. Oh, thank you, Tyler.

1204. You're welcome.

1205. Thank you.

1206. I slept like a baby last night.

1207. Oh, that's great to hear.

1208. Diane, good morning.

1209. Good morning, William.

1210. Uh-oh, you have a little leaf in your hair.

1211. Uh-oh.

1212. Oh, no.

1213. God, it's so soft.

1214. It's like feathers.

1215. Thank you.

1216. Good morning.

1217. I got to say, you three are brimming with potential today.

1218. Oh my God, thank you.

1219. I mean it.

1220. Ah, Chip, you decided to join us.

1221. Yeah.

1222. You missed a really wonderful discussion last night.

1223. Basically, we are all worms.

1224. Yeah, I know that one.

1225. All right, gang, I'm going to hit the showers.

1226. Chip, why don't you go ahead and start breaking down

1227. the tents for us, OK?

1228. Hey, Chip, dude, is everything OK, man?

1229. Yeah, dude, everything's fucking awesome.

1230. Good.

1231. It's just you seem— you seem kind of down.

1232. What?

1233. Nah, dude, I was up all night thinking about all the chicks

1234. I slammed, actually.

1235. Oh my God, that's excellent.

1236. It was fucking sick.

1237. That's so sick.

1238. It's just I'm pretty sure I saw you

1239. crying last night at the fire.

1240. What the fuck, dude?

1241. Don't you ever fucking lie about me again.

1242. - Sorry. - I don't cry, dude.

1243. OK.

1244. If you saw anything— and you didn't—

1245. probably what you saw was me being sad because William's

1246. song sucked so much dick.

1247. I thought the song was awesome.

1248. It rocked.

1249. Yeah, dude, you would think some shit like that.

1250. You're fucking weak-minded.

1251. I just want to let you, man, like, if you're hurting,

1252. trust me, I've been hurt before.

1253. I've been hurt in ways that are illegal.

1254. But if you are feeling bad, just let me know, man.

1255. I'm here for you.

1256. We're family now.

1257. Dude, I don't need shit like that.

1258. I'm at the top of this thing.

1259. I've been here longer than you. You don't help me with stuff.

1260. I help you with stuff. - OK.

1261. OK. I'm sorry.

1262. I've stepped over a boundary, and I apologize.

1263. - Yeah, you did. - I'm very sorry.

1264. I'm sorry. - You fucked up, dude.

1265. - OK. - Beat it.

1266. - I'm sorry for bothering you. - Dude, you're slowing me down.

1267. - I'm sorry. - I have an important job.

1268. Were you assigned a job?

1269. I don't know.

1270. No, because you're not trustworthy enough.

1271. I'm sorry, dude.

1272. All yours, ginger dick.

1273. Thanks.

1274. Holy shit.

1275. Holy fucking shit.

1276. Three Balls Billy.

1277. How's that third nut, Billy?

1278. You must be thinking of somebody else.

1279. Oh, bullshit.

1280. It's me.

1281. It's Robbie.

1282. Come on, man.

1283. How you been?

1284. You still hanging out with all those busted theater

1285. girls who follow you around, call you a wizard?

1286. Different guy.

1287. Come on. Robbie.

1288. You're right.

1289. I shit in your history book and smushed it shut.

1290. You've mistaken me for someone else.

1291. No. No.

1292. No. No.

1293. I'm pretty sure it's you.

1294. Matter of fact, I was just thinking about you.

1295. Saw a picture of a fucking guy on the news.

1296. Thought it was you, but wasn't sure.

1297. Had a lady's haircut.

1298. But seeing you here in person, I think it was you.

1299. What's going on, man?

1300. That wasn't me.

1301. Oh.

1302. All right.

1303. I get it.

1304. Hey, I'd do the same thing, too, if they were looking for me.

1305. Well, good seeing you, Bill.

1306. OK, everybody, it's time to go.

1307. Time to go.

1308. Let's get in the car.

1309. Let's leave everything.

1310. Trust me.

1311. Tyler, I would love to invite you to drive for us today.

1312. Are you serious?

1313. I am.

1314. And Diane, our navigator, we couldn't do it without you.

1315. Please resume your position.

1316. OK.

1317. Leave everything.

1318. Let's go into the car.

1319. We won't need tents where we're going.

1320. And we'll all have our own bedrooms overlooking the lake.

1321. I think it's going to be a perfect place for us to become

1322. who we were always meant to be.

1323. Hello?

1324. Aunt Bev?

1325. It's Billy.

1326. Sandra, is that you?

1327. Not too hung over today, party girl.

1328. But you can hang out if you want.

1329. You can use the bathroom.

1330. Aunt Bev, is that you?

1331. Who is that?

1332. I'm Billy.

1333. Is my aunt here?

1334. Honey, where you been?

1335. Where have I been?

1336. I mean, I've been a lot of places.

1337. Where's my aunt?

1338. Honey, I'm sorry to have to say this,

1339. but your Aunt Bev passed about six months ago.

1340. She was sick for a couple of years.

1341. I didn't know that.

1342. She cared for you a whole lot.

1343. You know that.

1344. Yeah.

1345. I mean, she was my favorite aunt.

1346. She was my only aunt.

1347. And you didn't think to call in, what, six years?

1348. Yeah, I should have called.

1349. Who are you?

1350. I'm Dorota.

1351. I did your aunt's hair for years.

1352. Started getting friendly.

1353. When she got sick, I helped her out.

1354. I miss her, I do.

1355. She was so kind to me.

1356. She left me this place.

1357. She didn't have to do that.

1358. She always said she was going to leave me the house.

1359. She wanted to.

1360. You broke her heart, honey.

1361. How hard is it to pick up the phone?

1362. Probably the prettiest place I've ever been in my whole life.

1363. I knew two boys that drowned in a lake once.

1364. Sorry, guys, this is not my property.

1365. It's my aunt's, and she's dead, and she left it

1366. to her hairdresser instead of me.

1367. So this whole thing is over.

1368. Thanks for coming.

1369. It just wasn't meant to be.

1370. Wow, that really sucks.

1371. Chip, what are you doing?

1372. Chip?

1373. Hello?

1374. Ma'am?

1375. I told you to leave.

1376. Who are you?

1377. Oh, hi.

1378. I'm Chip.

1379. I'm friends with William.

1380. I'm not sure how much he told you,

1381. but our group is really depending on this house.

1382. Group?

1383. He didn't say anything about a group.

1384. That little shit just came in here

1385. and threatened me with legal.

1386. Said he was going to kick me out of my house.

1387. Yeah, no, that sounds like him.

1388. He could definitely be a dickhead sometimes.

1389. The thing is, though, me and my friends just really

1390. don't have anywhere else to go.

1391. Whoa, sick piñata.

1392. Is that a beer smoking weed?

1393. Yeah, I made it myself.

1394. You

1395. Keep a really nice home.

1396. Anyway, it's just we've been on the road

1397. just trying to get here for days.

1398. And everyone in the crew is so awesome.

1399. You have Tyler, who's this tall, strong physical specimen.

1400. And Diane, she's beautiful and nice and just trying

1401. to get her son back.

1402. And then there's Jim Smith, who's

1403. a foreign man of some kind.

1404. We'll do whatever it takes to stay here.

1405. We'll do your laundry.

1406. We'll cook for you.

1407. We'll clean.

1408. We'll secure the premises.

1409. We just— we just really need a place to become our best selves.

1410. I'm sorry, honey.

1411. I don't think I can house a whole crew of people

1412. I don't know.

1413. No, I know.

1414. You're right.

1415. It's just I owed it to everybody to give it a shot.

1416. Thank you for hearing me out.

1417. It's a shame, too.

1418. This really is such an awesome place.

1419. Is that a vintage Dorota "The Destroyer" poster.

1420. Come on now, you're just trying to butter me up.

1421. What?

1422. No way.

1423. Are you kidding me right now?

1424. Come on.

1425. You know who I am?

1426. Do I know who you are?

1427. I remember this exactly.

1428. May 9th, 1981.

1429. The Superdome. You got fucked.

1430. The ref turned his back and Marvelous Mabel

1431. hit you over the head with a steel chair.

1432. Pinned you.

1433. She stole the championship from you.

1434. You should have been the champ.

1435. You got fucked.

1436. God, that thing was rigged.

1437. I hate to break it to you, kid, they're all rigged.

1438. You had such cool moves—

1439. the Dance of Destruction, Thigh Blaster.

1440. Come on, are you kidding me?

1441. That was a long time ago.

1442. God, you were so electric. What's going on?

1443. Why are you here?

1444. You should be headlining main events right now.

1445. Yeah, that was a lot of fun, but nobody

1446. wants to watch an old lady parade around next to nothing

1447. and crush a man's head with her thighs.

1448. Well, speak for yourself, sister.

1449. The hell is he doing?

1450. Oh my God, that was one of the coolest ways I've ever busted.

1451. I'm not even close to being done with you yet.

1452. Thigh-blast me.

1453. You like that little piggy?

1454. Yes.

1455. - Prove it. - I like.

1456. I like.

1457. I like.

1458. I like.

1459. Holy crap, dude, it's so cool that Chip saved the day.

1460. Hey, everybody, I have something I'd like to say.

1461. I've decided to step down from my position as a leader,

1462. because I think we've all realized something.

1463. Actually, I want to get this on camera.

1464. William, what are you talking about, man?

1465. I'd like to give a toast to Chip.

1466. He's the one true leader of this group, and he always has been.

1467. To Chip.

1468. Let's go.

1469. Would you follow Chip anywhere?

1470. Oh, without hesitation.

1471. Chip is an awesome leader.

1472. He got us this beautiful new home.

1473. He's the smartest man I ever met.

1474. Who was it that brought you into this group?

1475. Chip, all the way.

1476. There you go, buddy.

1477. Chip. Chip.

1478. Chip.

1479. Chip. Chip.

1480. Chip. Chip Chip.

1481. Chip. Chip.

1482. "Dear Chip, this isn't an easy note to write,

1483. but last night it became clear to me

1484. that I shouldn't be here anymore.

1485. I've always feared I never had a real purpose here,

1486. and now I know for sure.

1487. I'm certain you will continue to be a powerful leader to everyone

1488. else, but I know that I'm not worthy to receive

1489. your leadership, and perhaps I'm not even worthy of this life.

1490. Goodbye, William.

1491. Today we lost an important man who was wise.

1492. He was brilliant.

1493. He was smart.

1494. But perhaps his greatest attribute

1495. was understanding when he was no longer needed.

1496. Yes, his greatest masterstroke was

1497. knowing that to stand in the way of the supernova of leadership

1498. I've become would have been completely futile to this family

1499. that William abandoned.

1500. I promise to take us to heights that he couldn't even imagine.

1501. And William, though you've now transcended and are likely

1502. experiencing pleasures we can't even comprehend—

1503. the Festival of Endless Beginnings,

1504. likely seated at the table of Garnatham

1505. himself, gorging yourself on his fat berries and juices—

1506. we miss you.

1507. One day we'll all be with you, William.

1508. We'll be where you are.

1509. And on that day, I will, of course, maintain my leadership

1510. position over you, but you won't have a problem with it

1511. this time.

1512. To William.

1513. To William.

1514. To William.

1515. You're not allowed in Europe but you don't remember why?

1516. I think it's a family thing I did, we did, long ago.

1517. Where's your from?

1518. The middle of Germany.

1519. Wait, go back.

1520. Wherein my client, William Davenport,

1521. was held captive for years, forced

1522. to sleep in an unheated barn by the leader of the cult, Chip

1523. Harper.

1524. This sick, depraved individual forced my client

1525. to take part in a myriad of twisted acts,

1526. including a group suicide ritual, during which my client

1527. was finally able to escape, only to be tracked down

1528. several months later by Mr. Harper, who, at which time,

1529. threatened and forced poor Mr. Davenport to join

1530. yet another suicide cult.

1531. Only through cunning wit and the bravest of hearts

1532. was my client able to escape this dangerous, disgusting,

1533. unregulated militia and flee to safety, at which point

1534. he contacted me, Don Wright.

1535. At this time, we're going to open it up for questions.

1536. Yes, beautiful woman in the front row?

1537. How are you?

1538. He's fucking lying.

1539. He never spent a night in the punishment barn.

1540. I knew it was too good to be true.

1541. It's not. What we have is real.

1542. I can clear this all up.

1543. You got to believe me.

1544. you guys got to believe me, too.

1545. A lot of that was very concerning, man.

1546. Fuck.

1547. Oh, no, dude.

1548. Guys, I'll explain everything, but we got to go now.

1549. Guys, we got to go now.

1550. We got to go now.

1551. I'll buy you some time.

1552. Y'all don't deserve this kind of trouble.

1553. I can't get in trouble with the police.

1554. You're a good woman, Dorota.

1555. I'm doing this for them, Chip, not you.

1556. Oh, D, what are they doing to you, baby?

1557. Guys, this way.

1558. Chip, was that all true?

1559. Is this a suicide cult? - No.

1560. William is full of shit.

1561. He was the leader of the old family, not me.

1562. Were you going to kill us?

1563. No, of course not.

1564. When the time came, I was hoping you would want

1565. to kill yourselves with me.

1566. I know how that sounds, but it's not death.

1567. It's transcending.

1568. Is that what transcendence means, killing yourself?

1569. It's about so much more than that.

1570. There's so much bullshit here.

1571. When we transcend, that all goes away.

1572. No dumb judge taking advantage of you, stealing your family.

1573. No one to break your heart.

1574. You're just hanging out with your best friends all the time.

1575. Doesn't that sound awesome?

1576. Best friends don't lie to each other

1577. and they don't manipulate each other.

1578. I thought we were supposed to help each other, man,

1579. and make the best of this life right now.

1580. We are, guys. Come on.

1581. You don't get it.

1582. I know it sounds a little far-fetched,

1583. and I didn't want to tell you this,

1584. but I know it's true because I brought William back to life.

1585. I'm serious.

1586. I saw him.

1587. He was dead.

1588. The old group, they tried to transcend without me,

1589. but they're a bunch of snakes.

1590. They had hate in their hearts, so they couldn't do it right.

1591. They all died. William, too.

1592. They brought him back for me.

1593. We were supposed to get a second chance at this.

1594. I was supposed to transcend with a good family this time.

1595. Guys, I think we should just go back, explain

1596. to the police everything that happened,

1597. and just pray for the best.

1598. All the things you said is really crazy.

1599. You let us down, man.

1600. It's so sad how people can lie to themselves.

1601. Could Chip hear himself?

1602. Some people can't face reality even

1603. when it slaps them in the face.

1604. It's pathetic.

1605. I don't understand why all these bad things keep happening

1606. to me when I'm doing so good.

1607. And I promised Meredith I'd come back a better man.

1608. Let's hope she forgot about that one.

1609. Wow.

1610. I hope this doesn't come off really nasty,

1611. but when it comes to delusion, Chip has nothing on you two.

1612. Diane, when are you going to admit that your life is

1613. a result of your own choices?

1614. And, Tyler, no matter how much you

1615. don't want your relationship to be over,

1616. you have to face the facts.

1617. She's just not that into you, dude.

1618. Then again, who am I to judge?

1619. When I first met you guys, I was still

1620. reeling from losing my position within the ranks

1621. of a top secret government program.

1622. After a failed assassination attempt

1623. on the Vice Premier of Morocco, I was shot four times

1624. and left for dead in the Aegean Sea.

1625. Thanks only to the kindness of the fishermen,

1626. whose nets lifted my near lifeless body

1627. from the frothy waters, did I survive.

1628. I heard rumors of a false flag terrorist

1629. attack being coordinated by the United States and Saudi Arabia.

1630. I was hitchhiking to Wyoming, planning to execute vice

1631. presidential candidate Richard Cheney,

1632. who my sources indicate is the chief architect of this plot.

1633. But after just a few hours with you guys, I felt so foolish.

1634. I realized I've been wasting my life committing violence so I

1635. could feel a sense of purpose.

1636. I realized that hanging out with cool friends, that's all I

1637. really need.

1638. This family taught me to love again.

1639. But now it seems like it's falling apart,

1640. and there's nothing we can do, and it sucks.

1641. Jim Smith is right, except for I do

1642. think you're wrong about one thing.

1643. You are wrong about the fact that we

1644. can't do anything about this.

1645. Chip might be all messed up in the head, but listen,

1646. he's our friend, OK, and I think we got to go back for him.

1647. Let's do this thing.

1648. Chip!

1649. Where are you, buddy?

1650. Yeah, come on, man.

1651. Chip?

1652. Chip?

1653. Chip, I'm coming for you, buddy.

1654. Oh my God, Chip!

1655. Chip, dude.

1656. Com, On, man. I got you.

1657. I got you.

1658. Dude.

1659. Fuck!

1660. Where the fuck am I?

1661. We brought you back, Betty.

1662. What?

1663. Why?

1664. I screwed you guys big time.

1665. You guys sold some bogus, dude.

1666. We figured you could use some help sorting out

1667. the bad from the good.

1668. You guys are the best.

1669. When I was just dead right now, nothing fucking cool

1670. happened at all.

1671. It fucking sucked.

1672. I didn't just grow wings and fly on the Celestial Orbit.

1673. I didn't get the fucking crown jewels of Princess Namaharnomor.

1674. I believed William's bullshit.

1675. He fucked my head up so bad.

1676. And then I was so charming and seductive when you met me,

1677. I fucked your heads up bad.

1678. I almost lost you guys.

1679. I'm not going to let it happen again.

1680. Now that you've passed my test—

1681. Chip.

1682. OK, I'm sorry.

1683. Now that you've saved my life, I'm very appreciative for you.

1684. I'm going to repay the favor.

1685. I'm going to save your lives.

1686. I know how we can clear our names.

1687. OK, so with that last call, the night

1688. before we were all going to kill ourselves,

1689. William made us do this fucked up tape.

1690. OK.

1691. So on this tape, that motherfucker

1692. is clearly the leader.

1693. He's admitting himself.

1694. He wants the whole world to know.

1695. Where's the tape now?

1696. The important thing is William thinks I burned the tape.

1697. He thinks all the evidence is gone.

1698. But I didn't burn it.

1699. As embarrassed as I am about it now,

1700. I just couldn't bring myself to destroy those memories.

1701. Now the bad news is— - Fore!

1702. Fuck.

1703. You see, the problem is that tape is all the way

1704. the fuck back at that first house where

1705. William brainwashed me.

1706. So that's, like, really far.

1707. If you're dicking around, yeah, it is.

1708. But if we drive straight through—

1709. no stopping for hotel breakfast, no video games,

1710. no hitchhikers— we can get there in less than a day.

1711. We just need a real set of wheels.

1712. Oh, I have an idea.

1713. Well, well, who do we have here?

1714. I was wondering if that offer for sex while your wife's away

1715. still stands?

1716. You're just in time, Gertrude.

1717. My sister-in-law's back on solid food.

1718. Means the missus will be back any day now.

1719. I just have one problem.

1720. I need to do it outside.

1721. It's the only way that I like it.

1722. It's beautiful and natural.

1723. Just the right amount of nodding, you know?

1724. Oh, girl, careful now.

1725. If I'm boned up, you'll give me the shoot

1726. right here where I stand.

1727. Uh-oh.

1728. Come and get me before I change my mind.

1729. Good things do happen to good people.

1730. Hey, that's my grandmother's RV.

1731. Hey.

1732. Hey.

1733. The gravel has scraped my penis.

1734. Behind me stands what most would call a normal-looking home

1735. just outside a sleepy Midwestern town.

1736. But within those walls, it was anything but normal.

1737. Meet Billy Davenport, an innocent man

1738. who fell under the spell of one of the world's most

1739. depraved criminals.

1740. It's honestly a little uncomfortable

1741. being back this close to the house.

1742. And why is that?

1743. I can still hear Chip screaming at me.

1744. But maybe that was the allure.

1745. The more he pulled away, the more

1746. I felt the need to prove myself because he was just

1747. so charming and special.

1748. Billy was talking about Chip Harper, a.k.a.

1749. the Manson of the Midwest and leader of the suicide cult

1750. known as The Cosmic Dynasty.

1751. How did you first meet Chip Harper?

1752. Well, I was very fat at the time,

1753. and I was in a fast food restaurant arguing

1754. with one of the workers about the amount of food

1755. I'd been given.

1756. I was insisting that they hadn't given me my order,

1757. even though I'd already eaten all the sandwiches in question.

1758. Chip saw my desperation and pounced.

1759. What do you think Chip thought when he first saw you?

1760. If I had to speculate, hey here's

1761. a guy I can get to do all the menial, degrading tasks that I

1762. am to relieve my followers of, in the hopes

1763. that they'll fall more deeply in love with me.

1764. If I had to guess, that's it.

1765. Wait.

1766. Why is that news van here?

1767. What's going on?

1768. Fuck, he's here.

1769. That piece of shit is here, and he brought Georgeanne Jennings

1770. here.

1771. He's probably in there telling her a bunch of lies about us

1772. right now.

1773. No, hold on.

1774. We're fine, because the tape's in the barn.

1775. He doesn't know about the barn.

1776. As long as he doesn't take her to the barn, we're golden.

1777. He wanted to show me the barn, far away from the house, where

1778. he was forced to sleep, often without electricity,

1779. left to deal with the elements and the wildlife.

1780. Fuck!

1781. They're going to the barn.

1782. Oh, fuck, I'm going to fucking jail forever.

1783. No.

1784. No.

1785. I'm going to get there.

1786. William, consider your ass plucked.

1787. Did you ever think about leaving?

1788. I was too stupid to go anywhere else.

1789. And to tell you the truth, I've blocked

1790. a lot of memories of this place out

1791. on account of all the trauma, but I

1792. will do my best to answer any questions you may have.

1793. Did you ever have sex with Chip?

1794. Stop! No.

1795. Do not listen to a word this man says, Georgeanne Jennings.

1796. He is a liar and a huge piece of dog shit.

1797. Georgeanne, you should run and hide and disregard everything

1798. this lunatic is saying.

1799. Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

1800. Keep rolling's right.

1801. Keep rolling's right.

1802. You're going to want to roll on this because I got it all right

1803. here, Georgeanne.

1804. I have— in this tape, I will expose this man

1805. for the snake he really is and clear my good name.

1806. It's probably a tape of him showing you

1807. his penis, and once you see that, you can't unsee it,

1808. and that's how—

1809. It's not my cock.

1810. Your time has come, William.

1811. Georgeanne, it's going to work, I promise.

1812. He's stalling, Georgeanne.

1813. We should leave now while we still have the chance.

1814. Shut the fuck up, William.

1815. Mr. Harper, if you don't have anything you can show us,

1816. I'll have no choice but to call the authorities.

1817. Georgeanne, it's going to work.

1818. I know it is.

1819. Oh.

1820. Yes. Yes.

1821. Look at this.

1822. This doesn't prove anything.

1823. That looks like CGI to me, a video game,

1824. or something like that.

1825. My name is William Davenport and I

1826. am the father, shepherd, and spiritual leader of The Cosmic

1827. Dynasty.

1828. If you are watching this tape, Georgeanne,

1829. we have transcended successfully and it

1830. is your job to spread our message to the unfortunate

1831. masses.

1832. Jesus Christ.

1833. Well, that's obviously a joke.

1834. The whole thing is a prank.

1835. Why isn't everybody laughing?

1836. It's time for laughing now.

1837. Whoa.

1838. What the fuck, dude? Chill out.

1839. Calm down.

1840. You calm down.

1841. Unhand Georgeanne Jennings right now.

1842. Oh, big man. Big man.

1843. He's trying to impress you, Georgeanne.

1844. But she's not impressed because you're a fool.

1845. Georgeanne, did you know that Chip here

1846. thought I died and magically came back to life just for him?

1847. I didn't drink that poison, you stupid fuck.

1848. You know what, dude?

1849. That little comment would have really

1850. hurt the old me because I thought you rocked,

1851. but it turns out you fucking suck.

1852. Yeah, I feel sorry for you, honestly.

1853. Your vibes are fucked.

1854. You got a bad attitude.

1855. And you're a terrible hang.

1856. Always were.

1857. Bullshit.

1858. People love me.

1859. Not me.

1860. I think you're a loser.

1861. Yeah, you think you're all that,

1862. but you're actually a total scrub.

1863. I still like you, but not as much.

1864. Who cares?

1865. Give me that fucking tape.

1866. OK, man, just don't do anything crazy.

1867. Get on your knees. Get on your knees.

1868. Do what he says.

1869. Everybody on your knees.

1870. - Let Georgeanne go. - OK.

1871. OK. OK.

1872. I should have let you drink that fucking poison, fucking idiot.

1873. You got raccoon trapped, bitch.

1874. You're going to fucking die.

1875. I love when my enemies perish.

1876. He's probably dead, you guys.

1877. Chip Harper landed on his feet after that fateful day.

1878. Once spending half a decade under the spell of William

1879. Davenport, Harper is now an in-demand motivational speaker.

1880. Today we kill our Williams, and today you're

1881. all going to become the best versions of yourselves possible.

1882. Though his wife is currently serving 25 years

1883. to life in prison for the murder of four police officers,

1884. these two lovebirds are expecting a beautiful baby girl.

1885. You know, it wasn't easy, Georgeanne.

1886. At first, we thought I'd have to cover my frozen seed

1887. in chocolate and sneak it into the facility

1888. with a candy bar wrapper.

1889. Eventually, we were granted conjugal visits,

1890. but trying to make love to your wife

1891. in a cold concrete cell, all the other inmates hooting

1892. and hollering.

1893. They can smell my pheromones.

1894. I suppose it comes with the territory of being an alpha

1895. male, but it's not easy on the erection, Georgeanne,

1896. I'll be honest with you.

1897. Luckily, I was able to bust soft and our little miracle

1898. is on the way any day now.

1899. Oh, precious.

1900. And even though your immediate family was recently

1901. killed in a gravel spill, it seems

1902. like you've managed to persevere and create

1903. kind of a new family of sorts.

1904. You know, what can I say, Georgeanne?

1905. I'm blessed.

1906. But as difficult as this ordeal was,

1907. I met the best pals of my entire life through this thing.

1908. That's right.

1909. Mommy.

1910. Thank you.

1911. Thank you.

1912. Thank you.

1913. Thank you.

1914. Tyler, I think it's safe to say that everybody that

1915. lived through this situation, we're

1916. all the absolute best versions of ourselves possible now.

1917. As for William Davenport, after 36 hours of surgery,

1918. they managed to remove the sword from his head and save his life.

1919. But now he's a shit for brains, the type that

1920. laughs when a train goes by.

1921. Put aside your sad, unhappy endings.

1922. Turn away from the world.

1923. It's gone and turned its back on you.

1924. Who knows what tomorrow is beginning?

1925. All I really know is that I want to be with you.

1926. For all we'll ever have may be what we share tonight.

1927. The future's promised to no one, so stay with me in paradise.

1928. Time is like a river flowing, winding down

1929. through all our memories, making islands

1930. of the happiness we've known.

1931. Down to the sea of life and loving,

1932. watering our days and all the seeds that we have shown.

1933. For all we'll ever have may be what we share tonight.

1934. The future's promised to no one, so stay with me in paradise.

1935. Yes, all we'll ever have may be what we share tonight.

1936. The future's promised to no one, so stay with me in paradise.

1937. And all we'll ever have...