Lesbian Space Princess (2025)

1. - Kiki, I made you this scrapbook,

2. which I know is a bit weird,

3. but it all means nothing without you,

4. because you are my everything.

5. It's like my life only started that day

6. you rode into Clitopolis for that bounty hunting job.

7. I didn't exactly have girls knocking down my door,

8. before you did.

9. Kind of hard when everyone's obsessed with my moms,

10. the great Leanne and Anne, the lives of the party.

11. And I'm just there, too.

12. The most boring royal in the history of Clitopolis,

13. as voted by the people.

14. That was a tough day.

15. But look at me now!

16. No one ever thought they'd see the day Princess Saira

17. would have a hot as fuck partner.

18. I can't be exiled to the singles zone

19. this year's Lesbian Ball.

20. I know we're a bit of an odd match,

21. like you love travelling, and danger, and partying,

22. and I'm scared to go anywhere, and of everything,

23. and I'd rather stay home and work on my magic tricks.

24. But you know what they say?

25. Opposites attract.

26. You complete me.

27. And I know in my heart

28. we'll be together forever

29. and ever,

30. and ever.

31. - You're dumped.

32. - Fuck.

33. Oh, and she's very sad.

34. - Look, maybe if things were different

35. and you were a different person

36. and I was a different person,

37. maybe this could have worked for me.

38. But you're you,

39. and I'm me.

40. - I'm sorry.

41. - Please stop crying.

42. - I literally can't.

43. - Hey, it's okay, you'll be all right.

44. You are really good with your hands.

45. Oh my God, oh. (moaning)

46. Oh, you're so good at that.

47. - It's my sleight of hand.

48. - You're smothering me.

49. We've only been dating like two weeks,

50. and you made this terrifying book.

51. - No.

52. - I just thought dating a space princess would be more,

53. ah, fun.

54. I don't wanna Gayflix and chill every night.

55. - I'm sorry.

56. - And the "Sorry's always with the "Sorry's.

57. - Sorry, oh, sorry for being sorry.

58. Can we at least still go to the Lesbian Ball together?

59. - Absolutely not, I need to get outta here.

60. Goodbye forever. (mimics explosion)

61. Pretend you saw a smoke bomb and I'm gone.

62. Wait, Saira. - Yeah?

63. - You're wearing my jumper.

64. - Oh. (crying)

65. - Oh man, fuck, that's my jumper, too.

66. - Mm-hmm. (crying)

67. - Ugh, you know what?

68. Keep it, it can be your birthday present.

69. - Yay!

70. - I will never

71. take it off.

72. - Oh.

73. - Yeah, I gotta get the hell outta here, I'm sorry.

74. Fuck, ugh, it's contagious, goodbye forever.

75. I'll miss you so much.

76. Oh, and of course I'll miss you, too, Royal Pussy.

77. You always bring the party.

78. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

79. - Honestly, I can't believe it lasted that long.

80. - We told you the scrapbook was too much.

81. - Okay, so that start was pretty shit house.

82. - But welcome to...

83. That's a cool drum roll.

84. - Our birthday party!

85. For Saira.

86. - Oh.

87. - We can't believe she's 22 today.

88. - 23.

89. - We can't believe she's 23 today. (sniffles)

90. - Which means it's that time of the year

91. where we see if she can finally summon her royal labrys.

92. Think she'll fail again?

93. Is the sky rainbow?

94. - For thousands of years,

95. the Clitopian royal bloodline has been born

96. with the ability to summon one of the most

97. powerful weapons known to l-l-lesbian kind.

98. - The labrys.

99. - Let us now turn to the ancient scriptures of Wikipedia.

100. This all began back on Earth, it says...

101. - "In the 1970s, the labrys was adopted

102. by the lesbian community as a feminist symbol

103. representing strength and self-sufficiency."

104. - The summonings happened first try for us.

105. But you know what they say, six time's the charm.

106. - Try not to do that over the thinking thing you do.

107. - Wait, what do you mean by that?

108. - Let the summoning begin!

109. - It's happening.

110. - Oh. - Oh, for fucks sake.

111. - Oh, sweetie, that was really tough.

112. Especially for us.

113. - It is so hard to watch you struggle,

114. but let's not have it ruin a good party.

115. Who wants to see us dance?

116. - I do, I wanna see us dancing.

117. - Great dancing!

118. - Kiki, ever since you've disappeared,

119. who else can I talk to?

120. I'm lost.

121. When you left, you took everything with you.

122. The absence of you is everywhere I look.

123. - It's like a huge hole

124. has been pumped through my chest.

125. But in a way, I'm glad.

126. The pain is my only reminder that you were real.

127. - Kiki the Destroyer, for all your bounty hunting needs.

128. Hmm.

129. Couldn't you just watch me, like, all day?

130. Kapow.

131. Fuck, I'm good.

132. Yeah, no, this is my room.

133. Take them, not me, what the fuck!

134. No, no, no, no, please, I'm too hot to die.

135. What the fuck?

136. Where am I?

137. Oh, what is this?

138. - Welcome to our cave, that is our toxic home brew.

139. - Who the hell are you?

140. - Who are we?

141. We're the Straight White Maliens.

142. - Who? - Oh, come on.

143. - Are you, are you serious?

144. The Straight White Maliens.

145. We used to be the most powerful beings

146. in the whole universe.

147. - Who?

148. - Yeah, of course, everyone has forgotten about us.

149. Everyone!

150. - You stripped our ancestors of all their power and you,

151. you left our kind for dead.

152. - And we were exiled to this man cave.

153. But we've had a gut full of being pushed us bloody side.

154. - I'm getting upset.

155. - You don't wanna see us upset right now.

156. - Oh, you don't want to see us get bloody. (mumbling)

157. - It's not good.

158. - Let me guess, you wanna rule the world again?

159. - No, wrong, incorrect.

160. - Then what do you want from me?

161. - You?

162. This isn't about you.

163. - You are just the bait.

164. - What?

165. - You see, we can't get the hot chicks anymore.

166. So for thousands of years we've been slaving

167. over building this chick magnet.

168. But Larry fucked it up!

169. - Well, I don't hear you complaining when you eat

170. these delicious, fresh eggs every morning,

171. - Your eggs are shit!

172. You know those eggs are shit!

173. - What are you gonna feed the chicks when we get 'em?

174. - Anyway, shut up, I'm gonna feed the chicks our-

175. Oh no, wait, that makes a lot of sense.

176. - Thank you.

177. - Anyways, long story short,

178. we ended up buying a new Swedish chick magnet online.

179. - But when it arrived, what did we discover?

180. The bloody battery's not included.

181. - Oh, hate that. - Yeah, I do hate that.

182. - And according to the manual, the battery is Princess Saira

183. of Clitopolis's royal labrys.

184. What the fuck?

185. - That seems weirdly specific.

186. - It's so stupid!

187. Especially because we can't get past

188. that dumb Safety Bubble protecting gay space.

189. And that little princess is some sort of weird shut in.

190. It says she literally never goes anywhere.

191. - Literally never.

192. - But according to the manual, there is one thing

193. that could lure her out of gay space. (giggling)

194. - Kiki, finally.

195. Wait, oh my God, where are you?

196. - Saira, you gotta help me, I've been captured by these

197. things called Straight White Maliens.

198. - Who? - Oh, fuck you!

199. Now listen, princess, we need your royal labrys.

200. - What, why?

201. - For super tough cool dude stuff.

202. - So if you don't want us to drown your beloved Kiki

203. in our toxic home brew, you will bring it here,

204. to the worst, most dangerous place in the universe.

205. - But- - Saira, please tell me

206. you actually have the labrys.

207. - Oh yeah, totally, I've got it.

208. Yeah, it's, it's not on me right now,

209. but I definitely have it.

210. - Oh, thank God.

211. - Great, bring it here in the next 24 hours and come alone,

212. or lover girl is going down,

213. or should I say going drown? (cackling)

214. - Oh.

215. - Going drown. (cackling)

216. - Kiki, Kiki! (whimpering)

217. - Why did you do that?

218. You'll never summon the labrys.

219. The only royal to fail at this simple tradition.

220. You're a disappointment to your moms.

221. To everyone. (laughs)

222. Kiki's doomed because of you.

223. If you weren't broken, you would have your labrys.

224. - Can't believe Kiki was with her.

225. - Saira sucks.

226. - How can you be a princess,

227. and not even like to party? - Saira still sucks.

228. - I heard she's straight.

229. - Ew.

230. - You all need to give her a break.

231. No wonder she can't summon her labrys.

232. She should come to my club, I can help.

233. Blade, your resident weapons expert, kisses, motherfucker.

234. - Saira, we left some food outside, okay?

235. It's a banh mi.

236. - Also, honey, we, we hate to bring it up, but-

237. - We put you down as single

238. for the Lesbian Ball tomorrow night.

239. - No need, I'll be going with Kiki.

240. - Oh, thank God she's taken you back.

241. - Oh my goodness.

242. - That is a relief.

243. - Oh, it's just so, so sad to be single.

244. Well, we can only imagine it is.

245. - Never done it, never want to.

246. - Like everyone can see it,

247. 'cause there's no one standing next to you,

248. and when someone's single,

249. you just imagine them in a food court, by themselves.

250. - Eating alone, chatting to the cleaner

251. who doesn't even want to talk to you.

252. She's got her own life, she's not bothered with you.

253. You look sad, sad, sad, sad.

254. - Okay, well, we'll pop the two of you on the list.

255. - So glad you've got a girlfriend.

256. - And you're not alone.

257. - Oh.

258. - Mm-mm.

259. - Whoa, awesome.

260. - Hey, who's there?

261. - Uh-oh.

262. Huh?

263. Huh?

264. Oh, no.

265. - Ugh, I thought I was never gonna get off

266. planet of the lesbos.

267. - Who's there?

268. - It's me, the ship.

269. You don't wanna know how long I've been trapped down there,

270. the things I've seen.

271. What's your name, sir?

272. - Saira.

273. - That sounds like a girl's name.

274. - I am a girl. - What?

275. Girls can't be pilots.

276. - Yeah, this was a mistake, take me back please.

277. - Here's what I'll do, I'll be your temporary ship.

278. I'll drop you off at a nail salon

279. and we'll go our separate ways.

280. So, Sahara, where are you from?

281. - Clitopolis.

282. - Yeah, but like where are you from?

283. - The palace?

284. - No, no, no, where are you really from?

285. - Well, my cultural heritage is half Clitopian,

286. and half Indian.

287. - Namaste.

288. - Hey, please turn around, you don't understand.

289. I, I've never been outside of the-

290. - Oh God, that was an awful night.

291. I hope that Shetland pony survived.

292. Oh my God, this fucking song again. (gasps)

293. Hey daddy.

294. - Huh?

295. - I am Safety Bubble, fierce protector of gay space.

296. They say space is a vacuum, but nothing sucks like me.

297. What are you doing?

298. - Oh, let us out of here.

299. - Why the hell would you want to go out there?

300. It's straight, also, it's like way dangerous or whatever.

301. Or as they say in German. (mumbles indistinctly)

302. - Danger is my middle name, baby.

303. - Ew, how did you even get in here?

304. You can definitely leave.

305. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

306. - Yes, sweet freedom!

307. Beautiful, isn't it?

308. - Oh, no.

309. - Babe, what's for dinner?

310. - Chicken.

311. - Oh, no.

312. - This one's for my bodacious baby.

313. I love you, baby girl.

314. - It's worse than I ever imagined.

315. - Okay, okay, now there are gonna be a lot

316. of really hot chicks coming in here soon.

317. - Yeah. - And we need to learn

318. how to charm them bloody heck out of 'em.

319. - Mm.

320. - Now Josh is our expert speaker

321. for today. - Hi.

322. - He was once successful in getting a woman's number.

323. Now we don't know what happened after that.

324. We called the number and the line was dead.

325. I dunno if Josh mistook it down.

326. - No, phone companies.

327. - Phone company sort of going,

328. maybe playing tricky business, maybe doing-

329. - Tricky business.

330. - Maybe tricky business was going on, some sort of-

331. - Tricky business.

332. - Some sort of tricky business was going on

333. with the phone companies.

334. Number didn't work. - Yeah.

335. - Obviously, phone companies playing tricky business.

336. Still, huge achievement.

337. And now Josh is gonna come and he's gonna tell everyone here

338. what you know about talking to chicks.

339. - All right, gents, boys, thanks for having me.

340. - Josh.

341. - Show of hands, who wants to meet a chick?

342. - Me.

343. - Hands up if you don't know the process

344. of how to go about that,

345. who wants to walk outta here today with chicks in hand?

346. - Ooh. - Yeah.

347. - Yeah. - Fuck yeah.

348. - Now, take note boys, all right?

349. Act like you are listening and then interject

350. over the top of it, that gets the chicks ticking.

351. Don't let 'em get a word in edgeways, with me.

352. - Don't let 'em get a word in edgeways.

353. - Let them know how much Reddit karma you have, as well.

354. - I have a lot of opinions on Marvel movies.

355. Would, would they be interested in them?

356. - They'll love that.

357. - Okay, firstly, if you want a chick to like you,

358. you need to connect with them.

359. Ask questions and listen,

360. no matter how boring the answers are.

361. And secondly, let me go now and no one will get hurt.

362. But if you don't, when I get myself loose,

363. I will kill every single one of you.

364. - What did she say?

365. - Please take me back, this was a mistake.

366. - What, aren't you excited to get your nails done?

367. - I don't wanna get my nails done.

368. I have to keep them short, anyway.

369. - Oh God, well, where can I drop you then, Pilates?

370. Supermarket?

371. Why did you even board me

372. if you don't want to go anywhere?

373. - Well, I thought- - Come on.

374. You can't stay with me and I'm not taking you back.

375. So pick somewhere, chop chop.

376. - S Club. - I can't hear you.

377. - Do you know where S Club 17 is?

378. - The party hub, now you're talking.

379. I can't remember how to get there, though.

380. Hmm.

381. I have a good feeling about this way.

382. Such a strong feeling about this way.

383. Don't even think about it.

384. Now, what takes you to S Club 17, hmm?

385. - I need to find a way to summon my royal labrys.

386. - Whoa, yeah, say no more, I know that part of the vagina.

387. - And then I need to go to the worst,

388. most dangerous place in the universe.

389. - What, are you mental?

390. - I don't think people say that anymore.

391. - I'll take you to S Club 17, but no further.

392. - But my girlfriend is there.

393. - What the fuck is your friend doing there?

394. - She's in trouble and she's my girlfriend.

395. - Yeah, like a girl who's a friend.

396. - Like, my partner, I'm literally from Clitopolis.

397. - Oh, yeah.

398. - She used to be my girlfriend, at least.

399. - Wait, so she's your ex?

400. - Well, technically yes, but maybe if I can save her-

401. - Oh God, this, this is pathetic.

402. - Fuck, what am I doing?

403. - Oh, hello!

404. No one actually goes the speed limit, poofter.

405. - You definitely can't say that anymore.

406. - Oh, what is their problem?

407. Oh, these guys have been rude.

408. What do you think you're doing?

409. - Sorry!

410. - Mutiny, mutiny!

411. I was distracted, for not even one second,

412. and you have gone and couped me.

413. I am a man, and I have rights.

414. My old pilots were right, and you just cannot trust women.

415. I'm hurt, I'm hurt, now what are we gonna do?

416. We're gonna die out here, I told you not to drive.

417. - Sorry.

418. - You are covering my insurance premiums,

419. okay, from now on.

420. - Maybe there's moon crystals on this moon?

421. - Even if there was, we don't have anyone capable,

422. brave, or strong enough to find them.

423. - Yeah, sorry.

424. - Sweet, sweet freedom, only to get stuck somewhere else

425. shitty.

426. - What if I went? - You?

427. Ugh, yeah right.

428. - Well, just sitting here isn't going to help.

429. How bad could it-

430. Be? (gulps)

431. Oh, thank God.

432. - It's gone. - Oh.

433. - If you'd have been here two years ago.

434. It's just me, I'm gonna go over this way.

435. There's nothing here.

436. Oh, you found a hole.

437. Ugh, make a friend, lost a friend.

438. - Huh?

439. - Yes.

440. - So shiny, right?

441. - Please don't hurt me.

442. - Whoa, do I look like I'm going to hurt you?

443. Oh, the goth thing?

444. Oh, it's just a look, I'm not going to hurt you.

445. I thought you could hear me singing

446. that moon crystal song.

447. - What?

448. Listen, I crashed my ship and I need this moon crystal.

449. My girlfriend's, well, technically ex-girlfriend's

450. life depends on it.

451. - My goodness, you've got a lot on your plate.

452. Look, I'm just sorry for scaring you.

453. - Oh, sorry.

454. - Why are you sorry?

455. - I don't know.

456. - Enough apologies.

457. I'm so glad you are here.

458. I came to this moon to write my solo album,

459. but I fell down a hole.

460. - I fell down a hole, too.

461. - We have so much in common.

462. I'm Willow.

463. - I'm Princess Saira of Clitopolis.

464. - Whoa, a princess.

465. Also, I hear that place is famously hard to find.

466. - It's actually not, if you know what you're doing.

467. - Well, maybe you could show me the way sometime?

468. I mean, if we can ever figure out how to get out of here,

469. let me tell you, I've been down here a while

470. and there's no obvious way out.

471. - I'm not sure if this will help, but what if we use that?

472. - I did not see that.

473. - Gross, what is this?

474. - I feel like I should know what that is.

475. Weird, it wasn't here before you broke the crystal.

476. - Great, so this is my fault.

477. - It's okay, look, these things happen.

478. Here, let me help you.

479. - Why is everything always so hard?

480. - You are so emo.

481. I love it!

482. - Why did I think a reject like me could do anything?

483. - Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay.

484. - Why is it not targeting you?

485. - I don't know.

486. Wow, I'm really grateful for that.

487. - You're like, annoyingly positive.

488. - Thanks for saying that.

489. - Wait, maybe it's responding

490. to me being negative about myself.

491. Sorry, I remember now, we sang a song about this.

492. It's this incredibly dangerous sentient goo

493. that feeds on bad vibes.

494. - So I should just say something

495. positive about myself, right?

496. - Great idea.

497. Come on, quick.

498. - I,

499. I don't know.

500. - You don't know?

501. Saira?

502. Saira!

503. Really good at holding a conversation,

504. and I can write a song about basically anything.

505. I did a great job coordinating my spikes and chains today,

506. I have the voice of an angel, my eyebrows are great,

507. and also my guitar,

508. my public speaking has never been better.

509. I'm ambitious, and I'm brave.

510. And if I was a Pokemon,

511. I'd be a freaking Pikachu, I'm that cute.

512. - No, the crystal.

513. - Just forget it, keep going.

514. - Stupid, stupid, stupid, I needed that crystal.

515. I couldn't do it.

516. - Stop, you're encouraging it.

517. It's gonna blow!

518. - What did you do?

519. - I'm sorry.

520. - Please tell me you've got the moon crystal.

521. - Yes.

522. - Oh, that's a relief.

523. - But then I lost it.

524. - I knew you couldn't do it, you idiot!

525. Now we're completely fucked!

526. - Oh man, it's a shame we can't use that one.

527. Where to next?

528. I'm driving.

529. - Where the fuck did she come from?

530. - They.

531. - There's more than one?

532. - Okay, so just remember when your permanent is tapped,

533. you can't tap that card again until it's been untapped.

534. - And only when your turn begins.

535. When your turn begins, then you can untap your tap cards

536. so they can be used again.

537. Do you understand?

538. - Oh, and there are different phases

539. each with their own set of rules.

540. So the beginning phase rules-

541. - Please, stop, if you don't stop,

542. I'm going to make you stop, I mean it.

543. I really am going to get myself loose any minute now.

544. - Why can't you chicks ever like what we like?

545. Now about the beginning phase.

546. - Ooh, yes, the beginning phase.

547. - Wait, so you need this labrys thing to save Kiki,

548. and your only hope is that this Blade person

549. that you found on the future net,

550. and know nothing about, will be able to help?

551. - Yeah, I know, it's-

552. - Such a good plan.

553. - Is it, though?

554. Hey, be careful, go straight, go straight.

555. - Typical.

556. I'll have you know, I'm actually bisexual.

557. - Are bisexuals really a thing?

558. - Where did you find this thing, the 21st century?

559. - Yeah, that is where I'm from.

560. - Oh.

561. - Hey, thanks for saving me back there.

562. - Oh, no, thank you, that was a thrill.

563. Besides, I might not have found that ladder without you.

564. I'm not super observant.

565. Or book smart or street smart.

566. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Why?

567. It's not a bad thing, I'm just smart in other ways.

568. Like I'm super creative.

569. - That's right, you're a songwriter?

570. - Trying to be, you see...

571. - Oh, oh, oh, you better not sing it.

572. - Wow. - Fuck my life.

573. - They never used to let me play my own songs.

574. They said they were too

575. indie.

576. Now, I finally get to figure out my own music

577. separate from the group.

578. I thought I'd be able to write songs on the moon,

579. but let me tell you, there was not a lot to write about.

580. But I'm hoping hanging with you will inspire some songs.

581. I mean, an inter galactic space quest to save your ex?

582. Oh, wow.

583. - Oh, I'm actually really boring.

584. - I don't think you are.

585. - No, I think she is, she really is.

586. - Look, I love the emo vibe, but you must have something

587. positive to say about yourself, right?

588. What's something you're good at?

589. - Well, I'm not bad at magic.

590. - That's so cool, I'd love to see a trick.

591. - No, you wouldn't.

592. - Ah, yeah, I would- - Pick a card.

593. - Ooh. - Okay.

594. So we're going to use your card, the ace of hearts,

595. and put it in the middle of the deck.

596. - Yeah. - Because it's one

597. of the only cards that acts like a helium balloon.

598. If I push it the whole way in.

599. - Uh-huh. - Like this,

600. and snap my fingers. (snaps)

601. Did you see it come back to the top?

602. - What the freak?

603. - We'll do it again, we'll take it.

604. We'll put it in the middle like that,

605. now if I don't snap my fingers,

606. the card doesn't come to the top.

607. But if I either snap or cover it just for a second

608. did you see it come back to the top?

609. - Oh my God!

610. - We'll try this one more time, I'll take it just like this.

611. In fact, I might use your hand for this.

612. You can press it, the whole way in, into the middle.

613. Here we go.

614. Oh.

615. Huh?

616. - What did, how, wait, oh my God!

617. That's so cool, you're really good.

618. - No one's ever stayed for a whole trick before.

619. - Well, they're missing out.

620. - What do you guys think about the sex scene

621. in "Blue is the Warmest Colour?"

622. I'm figuring that one out.

623. All right here, we are, S Club 17.

624. This is where that lady who can help you

625. find your laprys will be.

626. - You mean, we have to go in there?

627. - Yeah.

628. - Not looking like this, we won't.

629. It's montage time, baby!

630. - What?

631. - Oh, I'm good with what I've got on.

632. - Come on, you can't go in there like that.

633. - But Kiki gave this to me.

634. - Seriously?

635. What's so great about this Kiki?

636. - Well,

637. she's just like,

638. really

639. fucking hot.

640. - Wait, is that seriously it?

641. - It's just, there's only one Kiki the Destroyer.

642. No one ever gave me a chance, but she did.

643. And being with her was like getting the keys

644. to this better life.

645. Without her, I'm like, nothing.

646. - You know, that's kind of how I felt

647. after I left the group.

648. But you know what made me feel better?

649. A makeover!

650. Come on, it's time to make you fucking hot, too.

651. Not that you aren't already, I mean, that came out wrong.

652. - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, mm-hmm.

653. - Sorry!

654. - Willow?

655. - Sorry, sorry.

656. - Bow-wow! (barking)

657. - It's perfect.

658. - What did you do?

659. Take off- - I took off the jumper.

660. - Okay, I'll beam you over now.

661. Do you remember how to get back?

662. - Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

663. - You sound unsure.

664. Okay, let me explain again.

665. - Thanks so much, but I think we got it,

666. the first three times you told us.

667. - Oh, you say that now.

668. But it can be pretty easy to get confused and mixed up,

669. especially if you're a lady, or whatever you are.

670. And you know, not used to tech stuff.

671. - Honestly, I reckon we got this.

672. - Just one more time.

673. What you need to do is get up the remote beam tracker

674. and press the beam button.

675. Oh, fuck my life.

676. - Thank God!

677. He just kept talking and talking.

678. - I can't believe I did that.

679. - I love this place.

680. - Oh, God.

681. - I'm Blade, this is my club.

682. - Oh man, it's gonna be hard finding Blade.

683. - That was easy.

684. - Okay, what's the plan.

685. - Should we go up and say hi?

686. - But how will we get into the air vent?

687. - What if she actually doesn't want to help?

688. - Genius, okay, you go find a screwdriver,

689. and I'll get the pineapple.

690. - You're right, we can do this if we're together.

691. - This is VIP.

692. - Willow?

693. - Willow ditched you.

694. Your plans are stupid.

695. Blade doesn't wanna help you.

696. You will always be broken.

697. You should just give up.

698. - We need to talk

699. about Ryan. (crying)

700. I swear he's cheating on me with Stephanie,

701. and he is totally gaslighting me.

702. Like, why would he post all those selfies with her,

703. and what, you know, what is, if that's just the vibe,

704. but like, don't tell me I'm crazy.

705. That's how things ended the last time. (sobbing)

706. So like I'm, (hiccups) I'm not crazy, right?

707. Right? - What?

708. - Thanks for agreeing.

709. So yeah, he just always puts himself before me,

710. and makes me feel like a loser. (sobbing)

711. - You shouldn't let him make you feel so terrible.

712. Why do you let him do that?

713. - He's just, like, really fucking hot.

714. I just, I can't believe he likes me.

715. - Surely there's lots to love?

716. - Well, I do listen a lot when he's talking

717. to me about his video game.

718. I don't even, I don't know what's going on in there,

719. but he seems really excited.

720. So he's telling me about AK-47.

721. I don't know what that is, but it makes him happy.

722. And I'm really good at shoplifting.

723. - It sounds like this Ryan

724. doesn't appreciate how great you are.

725. - Oh my God, you're right.

726. Thanks, babes, I needed to hear that. (laughs)

727. It's wild to think I won't remember any of this

728. in the morning and we'll never see each other ever again.

729. You know what?

730. You're right, screw him, I'm great.

731. You're like the wisest, coolest,

732. prettiest person I've ever met.

733. You fucking rock, girl.

734. - Hey, Blade, I need to speak to you, please?

735. - What?

736. - I said, I need to speak to you, please.

737. - What?

738. - I said- - I'll come down.

739. Coming down.

740. Fucking, fucking. (indistinct)

741. Well, hello.

742. - Hi.

743. How's it going?

744. I'm Princess Saira from-

745. - I know who you are.

746. - Ah, cool, yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

747. I saw on the future net that you might be able

748. to help me summon my royal labrys?

749. - You think you can just come into my club,

750. march into the VIP area, make me come down from my throne,

751. and expect me to just help you summon your labrys?

752. If that's what you think, you would be

753. absolutely right. (laughs)

754. I am so excited you're here.

755. Princess Saira, it would be my honour

756. to help you out, darling.

757. - Oh, oh my God, really?

758. Thank you.

759. - Get up, you little sweaty bitch.

760. You know, we're actually not so different, Princess Saira.

761. - Really?

762. - I mean, my parents aren't queens or anything,

763. but they are renowned psychologists, and ooh girl,

764. when people talked shit about me, (laughs)

765. I tried for the longest time to fit in,

766. and be the psychological professional my parents wished for.

767. But I realised if there's no room for you to be yourself,

768. fuck it, go and make it yourself, girl.

769. I finally followed my real passion.

770. - Drag? - Weapons.

771. They love the drag, but the weapons, they said,

772. "Blade, your behaviour is very concerning."

773. But like, don't call your kid Blade

774. and expect them not to be into blades, right?

775. Speaking of blades, your labrys.

776. I'll tell you what's causing you trouble.

777. As with all metaphysical weapons,

778. the key to unlocking your labrys is a mental one.

779. The wiring is all there.

780. You just need to make the right connections.

781. - So, I'm not broken?

782. - Not at all, and luckily, I happen to know

783. a thing or two about psychology.

784. Now let mama help you find your labrys, you ready?

785. - Mm-hmm.

786. - Okay, close your eyes.

787. - This is safe, right?

788. - Of course, we're only meditating.

789. I want you to take a deep breath in.

790. And out.

791. Now babes, it might feel like

792. you're not in control of your own mind,

793. but just a conscious is actually trying

794. to protect you in a roundabout kind of way,

795. and a saboteur, all that shit.

796. But it's only as powerful as you let it be.

797. Now look around at your surroundings, what do you notice?

798. Reach out and touch the door.

799. Feel the handle, feel its smoothness.

800. - This won't work.

801. - Remember, you're the boss.

802. Breathe in.

803. And out.

804. At your own pace, hold the handle firmly and pull.

805. - Wait, Saira, I wanna hang out with you.

806. Just kidding, I ditched you because you-

807. - Bore me.

808. Bore me, bore me.

809. Bore me.

810. You bore me.

811. - Why do we keep trying?

812. - Boring.

813. - Huh?

814. Can't you just stay here with me today?

815. - We can't,

816. we'll be late for our royal orgy, sweetie.

817. - Can I show you my magic show now?

818. - Not now, Saira, we're gonna be late

819. for our own burlesque show, much cooler than magic.

820. - You should do burlesque instead.

821. - I'm 10.

822. Wanna come over after school, maybe?

823. - Will the queens be there?

824. - No, they're away.

825. - Sorry, I can't.

826. - What did we do wrong, it can't be us.

827. - Waste of space.

828. - Something wrong with her.

829. - Happened the first try, right?

830. - You can't have it.

831. - But it's mine.

832. - You're not good enough for it.

833. - Yes, I am.

834. Yes, finally, yes, yes, yes.

835. - Yoink. - Yes?

836. - I'll take that. - Huh?

837. - Finally, a labrys is mine, all mine. (cackling)

838. I can't believe you fell for it, you basic little bitch.

839. - Wait, I thought you wanted to help me.

840. - Nah.

841. I can't believe you didn't see that.

842. - But I need it.

843. - Not when you're dead. (laughs)

844. Time to christen this beautiful blade.

845. - Whoopsies, finally found you.

846. Sorry I took so long, it took me ages to find the pineapple.

847. What's it for?

848. - What?

849. - Oh, hey, you found the labrys thing.

850. - Okay, so Blade is not cool.

851. - Yeah, she's trying to steal my labrys.

852. - Oh, hell no.

853. - What are you gonna do, fight me with a pineapple? (laughs)

854. - Oh, it all makes sense now.

855. - Ow, what the fuck?

856. - Willow!

857. - Ha, have you ever used an axe before?

858. Ha, even with that beautiful weapon,

859. you can't defend yourself against a pineapple.

860. You're a joke.

861. No, what are you doing to it?

862. - No.

863. - Fuck, you bitch. (crying)

864. Yeah, that's how you use it. (coughs)

865. - Now who's a joke, you bitch? (crying)

866. - Hey.

867. Welcome back.

868. - Is she okay, is she awake?

869. - Yes, she's okay, you can stop freaking out now.

870. - I wasn't freaking out, you were, I don't care.

871. - I beamed us back here

872. after you decapitated that Blade lady.

873. You are such a badass. (purrs)

874. - Wait, where's my- - Hey, hey, hey.

875. Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.

876. It's here.

877. - What?

878. No, where's my labrys?

879. - Oh, that, yeah, that's here too.

880. - I really was pretty badass back there.

881. - Yeah, I have a huge crush on you.

882. Wait, did I say that out loud?

883. - Yes.

884. - It's just...

885. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that got you.

886. That song was about you.

887. - I got that.

888. - Ooh, yeah.

889. Called it.

890. - That's been there this whole time?

891. - Yep, it's been in front of you all along.

892. - We're not talking about the button, are we?

893. - No, I'm talking about the button, I saw it ages ago.

894. - Oh.

895. - How can you even have sex?

896. - Now that he's gone.

897. Woof woof.

898. Are yours hands magic?

899. - Hello there, lady at bar.

900. - Hello. - Hi.

901. Well, what, do, I like your dress.

902. - Thank you.

903. - I wore a nice shirt to this bar.

904. - It's making me horny.

905. - Perch hands.

906. - Drink, drink, ask about a drink, ask about a drink.

907. - I'm thirsty.

908. - Oh, are you thirsty? - Yeah.

909. - She gave you the leading, just go for it, man.

910. Just go for it, just be yourself, bro.

911. - Can I get you with my money, a drink for you?

912. - Oh yes, please.

913. - Close the deal, close the deal.

914. - Now that I have purchased you a drink, you owe me sex?

915. - Yes. - Yes, correct.

916. - Hey, don't be so mean, this is a safe space.

917. - What's so funny?

918. - It's just like,

919. I don't get why this is so hard for you.

920. - Oh, wow, so predictable,

921. from the lady of colour who's a lesbian.

922. I'm really shocked, lesbian of colour.

923. The whole universe is built around you, lesbian of colour.

924. - Here's something that I guarantee you did not know.

925. Did you know that crash test dummies are built

926. around the average size and proportions of a woman?

927. What if we get into a crash?

928. - And look at this phone.

929. They make these for chicks.

930. How am I supposed to use this tiny phone with my huge hands?

931. It's a tiny fucking lesbian phone, fuck you lesbian phone!

932. - We gotta be confident.

933. We gotta be too- - But not too-

934. - But not too confident. - Don't be too confident.

935. Don't be too confident.

936. - We gotta be beautiful.

937. - But not too beautiful. - But not too beautiful.

938. - Can't be too beautiful.

939. Can't look too good.

940. - You gotta have nice shoe, you gotta, everything you do,

941. everything you do, I gotta do backwards in flat shoes.

942. Do you understand?

943. You've got the support of heels.

944. I just, it is hard for us, too, and I just think sometimes.

945. - Oh, no. - Oh.

946. - So, no, I'm sorry, I'm just...

947. - Oh. - I know.

948. No, he does this.

949. - We can't win. - He's just upset.

950. - I'm not, I'm not upset, I, these are angry tears.

951. I'm so angry I'm crying.

952. - Ugh, you should just stop complaining.

953. Screw this, my life is hard too, that's it.

954. I'm really doing it this time, I'm getting myself loose.

955. Yeah!

956. - No, no, no, no.

957. - Oh.

958. I think it's time you realise who has the power here.

959. Kill the lesbian!

960. - To be or not to be.

961. That is the question.

962. Oh, God, oh, this is the most painful

963. and horrible death anyone could ever experience!

964. Oh God, why me, why, why? (gurgling)

965. - Bro, I said kill the lesbian, not the thespian.

966. What the heck, bro.

967. - You can hear they sound- - Yes.

968. - The same.

969. - I understand.

970. - I mean, I know this isn't my argument,

971. but I'm pretty sure you said thespian.

972. - I don't think I did.

973. When I say kill the lesbian,

974. I'm talking about, quite specifically, her.

975. And you know that, you do this, you team up and-

976. - You said thespian. - You pick on me.

977. Fucking, I swear to God I didn't, and if I did, I apologise.

978. - Now, who's the lesbian, hey?

979. - What, no.

980. - That doesn't make sense.

981. - No, no, no, no, no, do, what?

982. Do you know what a lesbian, do you know what a lesbian is?

983. - Yes. - What.

984. - They're, they get on stage.

985. - That's a thespian.

986. - And, and, and date someone of the same sex.

987. That's a lesbian thespian.

988. - It's a lesbian.

989. - No, no, it's a lesbian thespian.

990. - Just kill the lesbian, just kill the lesbian.

991. - Every lesbian in "The L Word" was also a thespian.

992. - Yes, that's fair, you cannot argue with that.

993. - No, and I never would, either way,

994. we're getting off topic. - Mm.

995. - And I would like to kill the lesbian, we gotta-

996. - We already killed her.

997. - No, we killed the thespian, you killed the thespian, the-

998. - Yes, and that's what you wanted.

999. - I thought you said thespian. - No.

1000. No, shut up, stop talking now.

1001. All right, now.

1002. Kill the lesbian.

1003. - Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, you're right.

1004. Women like me suck, we take up too much space.

1005. - Ah, no, no, no, no, no, too late.

1006. I am sick of you always patronising us.

1007. - But you need me, mm-hmm.

1008. Saira's not gonna give you the labrys for nothing.

1009. Do you really want to invite a lesbian with one

1010. of the most powerful weapons in the universe to your cave,

1011. and then tell them you've just killed the person they love?

1012. - Well, if she loves you so much,

1013. what is taking her so long?

1014. - Just let me talk to her.

1015. I promise I can get her here.

1016. - Fine, but you better hope she's close by.

1017. I am done waiting.

1018. Button!

1019. New time limit, princess, one hour.

1020. - What?

1021. - You can thank big mouth over here for that

1022. and all the mean things she's been saying.

1023. About me and my friends.

1024. - Saira, wait, where are you?

1025. Is that sex hair, who the fuck is that?

1026. - Hey, I'm Willow, Saira's new partner.

1027. - What, no, they're no one.

1028. - Oh.

1029. - Wait, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.

1030. - Are you serious?

1031. - I mean, I'm sorry, they're no one.

1032. - Oh.

1033. - I mean, I don't know, I'm confused.

1034. I'm just,

1035. sorry.

1036. - No, Saira, I'm sorry.

1037. I can see now, I screwed things up, I never appreciated you.

1038. But Saira, you are the only one

1039. who can bring your royal labrys and save me.

1040. Now, but now I've lost you, and now I'm going die. (cries)

1041. - No.

1042. - That's not true, I'll come, of course I'll come.

1043. - You have one hour.

1044. - Kiki!

1045. - Willow, I'm sorry.

1046. - It's okay, if Kiki means this much to you,

1047. we can open this relationship up.

1048. - No, Willow, I think maybe

1049. you and I should just be friends.

1050. - You're friend zoning me?

1051. I hid the body for you, not the head, though.

1052. I figured they'll never figure out

1053. who it belongs to without the body.

1054. You know, I don't even like murder.

1055. I just wanted you to like me.

1056. - I do really like you.

1057. I think you're the first proper friend I've ever had.

1058. I got a bit caught up in that.

1059. Now I've messed it up.

1060. - I just need some time.

1061. And I'm taking this, you owe me that at least.

1062. - It's yours.

1063. - Don't let them see you cry.

1064. I definitely have some inspiration for my album now.

1065. - I'm sorry.

1066. I really hope we can be friends.

1067. - Fuck you, Saira.

1068. - Finally, how was it?

1069. Wait, where's the other one?

1070. What happened?

1071. Did she, they dump you, too?

1072. - I kind of dumped them.

1073. - Why would you do that?

1074. They seem to genuinely like your boring personality

1075. and magic tricks.

1076. - Because I've gotta save Kiki.

1077. - Oh man, you still wanna do that?

1078. - I, I can't just abandon her.

1079. Listen, I know you didn't wanna come this far,

1080. but she needs me.

1081. Is it okay if I drive us to the worst,

1082. most dangerous place in the universe?

1083. - No pilots ever asked me if I'm okay with something before.

1084. Honestly, they were a bit mean. (crying)

1085. - Well, what do you say, wanna stick with me?

1086. - I mean, we've come this far. (crying)

1087. Sorry, you really hit a nerve.

1088. Yeah, whatever, let's go.

1089. - Hold on.

1090. That's the worst, most dangerous place in the universe?

1091. - Yeah, apparently this is it.

1092. - Do you know what this is?

1093. It's like one, one of those world's best cup of coffee

1094. bullshit slogan things.

1095. It's like, "Oh yes, that shitty little cafe

1096. has the world's best cup of coffee."

1097. - Ship.

1098. - What?

1099. - Oh, God.

1100. - Hey.

1101. I'm so happy.

1102. - It shot us! - Right in the face.

1103. I'm sorry I took you here, you should take us back.

1104. - Don't you dare.

1105. You are not the same shy, sad, pathetic,

1106. boring, miserable princess you were when you hopped aboard.

1107. My generous wisdom and guidance has helped shape you

1108. into the strong lady warrior sitting here right now.

1109. So what are you gonna do, Sangria?

1110. - I know what to do.

1111. Okay, mama's driving now. (grunting)

1112. - Ow, fuck.

1113. It's really on me.

1114. - Shit, this isn't working. (gasps)

1115. I think I've got an idea.

1116. - I trust you.

1117. - Take it back, I take it back, I don't trust you!

1118. - Oh, that does not sound good.

1119. - What, me?

1120. I feel great.

1121. Get outta here, go save your stupid ex-girlfriend.

1122. Oh, and I guess, be careful, okay?

1123. - Hey.

1124. Thanks for being an ally back there.

1125. - Ew, what?

1126. I'm not gay.

1127. - Boys, I miss the thespian.

1128. - Hey. - What?

1129. - Oh, you shouldn't have-

1130. - I've got the labrys.

1131. - Shouldn't have killed the thespian.

1132. - I miss that thespian.

1133. - Shouldn't have killed the thespian.

1134. - Putting on plays and stuff.

1135. - Why'd you tell him to kill the thespian?

1136. - I said, hey, I've got the labrys.

1137. - I remember specifically. - I fucking didn't.

1138. They did my favourite one man show of "Book of Mormon."

1139. - Yeah.

1140. - Our labrys is here!

1141. - Oh. - Our labrys is here!

1142. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,

1143. gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. (grunts)

1144. - Oh.

1145. Now, let Kiki go.

1146. - Oh, gladly, terrible deal for you if you ask me, take her.

1147. Get her outta here, look at the labrys.

1148. - Hey.

1149. - You saved me.

1150. I'm free! (laughing)

1151. I'm finally free.

1152. Oh God, I thought I was gonna die, whew.

1153. - You know, if we hurry, we could still go

1154. to the Lesbian Ball together.

1155. - Yeah, I don't think so.

1156. - Ooh, rough.

1157. - But I came all this way for you.

1158. - Yeah, well, you kind of got me into this mess.

1159. - But you said that maybe if I was different.

1160. - Listen, I'm so grateful you saved me.

1161. I'm genuinely impressed you made it here.

1162. - Mm-hmm.

1163. - But I don't owe you anything, nothing's changed.

1164. - But I have.

1165. - Ugh, again, with the crying.

1166. Look, I really don't want to be mean,

1167. but it never really made sense

1168. that I was with you in the first place.

1169. You know what I mean?

1170. - What's happening to it?

1171. - Fuck!

1172. - What the hell, princess, we had a deal!

1173. I'm upset, fuck!

1174. - Fuck! - Fuck!

1175. - Huh?

1176. Huh.

1177. - I knew you couldn't ignore me for long.

1178. You haven't changed at all.

1179. Get it into your thick head.

1180. You are not good enough for Kiki.

1181. Without her, you're nothing.

1182. - That's not true.

1183. - Yes, it is.

1184. Even your own moms don't like you.

1185. - Just stop it, stop criticising me.

1186. - What the fuck?

1187. - You disappoint everyone.

1188. I'm just telling you how it is.

1189. - Are you?

1190. Maybe my moms are just bad parents.

1191. Maybe Kiki is actually a narcissistic asshole,

1192. and I deserve better.

1193. I'm not always the problem.

1194. - Yes you are.

1195. - I don't think so.

1196. - You're a boring little wimp, and you know it.

1197. - Ah, shut the fuck up. (screaming)

1198. - Oh, good and great, you got it back, now hand it over.

1199. - No.

1200. - What? - What?

1201. - What?

1202. - But you said we could have it

1203. if we gave you the mean lady.

1204. - You can't have a lesbian and a lesbian thing.

1205. - That's too many-

1206. - What? - Things,

1207. 'Cause we don't have any-

1208. - What? - What?

1209. - I'm crying. (screams)

1210. - No, you're not.

1211. - Aren't I? - No.

1212. - We had a deal!

1213. - Yeah, well, sometimes things don't work out

1214. how you want them to.

1215. - Oh, well we know that all too well.

1216. - Give it back, it's ours!

1217. - Actually, it's mine.

1218. - Oh, oh.

1219. - Why do you even need it?

1220. - Well, because if we don't have your labrys

1221. to power our chick magnet, then we'll never get hot chicks.

1222. - And we'll be losers forever.

1223. - Wait, that's seriously why you want it?

1224. - We don't exactly have chicks

1225. knocking down our door.

1226. - No. - I leave my door open,

1227. and they still don't come through.

1228. - Yeah, but all the chick magnets in the world

1229. won't help you.

1230. I went through all of this.

1231. And why, 'cause I wanted Kiki to love me?

1232. But now I see my biggest problem

1233. was that I didn't even love myself.

1234. We deserve to love ourselves without a chick magnet

1235. or a hot as fuck girlfriend.

1236. - Wow, I mean, no, you're full of shit.

1237. Get her, boys!

1238. - Incoming chicks, incoming chicks.

1239. Incoming chicks, incoming chicks, incoming chicks.

1240. - Wait, guys, I, I just had a random thought.

1241. All the chick magnets in the world won't help us.

1242. We went through all of this, and why?

1243. Because we wanted chicks to love us.

1244. But now I see our biggest problem

1245. is that we don't even love ourselves.

1246. - Oh.

1247. - We deserve to love ourselves without a chick magnet,

1248. or a hot as fuck girlfriend.

1249. - Wow, that was beautiful, bro.

1250. - I'm proud of you, man.

1251. - You are so smart. - Thank you.

1252. - God, you all deserve one another.

1253. Shame you can't just date each other.

1254. - I mean, we would have the best time, like all the time.

1255. - Yeah, and well, I guess they do say

1256. you should date your best friends.

1257. - Yeah. - Yeah, they do say that.

1258. And I hear, I hear sexuality is a bit of a spectrum.

1259. - It is. - Can be.

1260. It is a spectrum. - You know what I mean?

1261. - It is, it's a whole-

1262. - Yeah.

1263. - It's a whole spectrum.

1264. - Yeah. - So, you know.

1265. - Yeah, yeah. - Put it out.

1266. We would have the best time.

1267. - Oh. (stammers)

1268. - Hmm, oh, yeah.

1269. - Just, Larry. - Yeah.

1270. - Just come over here for a second, yeah.

1271. - Okay, just a little.

1272. - Oh, yeah.

1273. - Can I just have a soft one?

1274. - Oh.

1275. - Can you do the rough stuff with me?

1276. - Come here, you.

1277. - Let me in.

1278. - I told you we're not going anywhere without Saira.

1279. - What are you doing?

1280. - Saira?

1281. Oh, thank God you're okay. (laughs)

1282. Mind if I

1283. bum a lift?

1284. - Yeah, I just don't think that would really make sense.

1285. You know what I mean?

1286. - Oh, come on, are you seriously mad at me?

1287. - Yeah. - Fair.

1288. - You're looking better.

1289. - Yeah, it was mostly just cum.

1290. - Oh, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

1291. - We don't wanna ever see you again.

1292. - Oh, you can have this back.

1293. - I've never been more attracted to you.

1294. - Where to now, Sasha?

1295. - Back to Clitopolis.

1296. - No.

1297. - Also, just as a heads up, it's Saira.

1298. - Oh my God.

1299. Have I been saying it wrong the whole time?

1300. That is so embarrassing.

1301. I am so sorry, Saiyeera.

1302. - Saira.

1303. - That's what I'm saying.

1304. - No, listen to what I'm saying.