Leprechaun Returns (2018)

1. Where's me gold?

2. Next stop, Devil's Lake.

3. Uh, hi, Katie, this is Lila Jenkins.

4. I'm pretty sure you said you were gonna pick me up,

5. but I'm— I'm here at the bus stop,

6. so I guess I'll just keep waiting.

7. Please don't come this way. Please don't come this way.

8. Do you need a ride?

9. Uh, no.

10. No, I'm definitely waiting for someone.

11. You must be one of the girls fixing up the old house,

12. way out there from campus.

13. You know about that?

14. Small town.

15. It's hard not to know everybody's business.

16. Not— Not that I try to know it,

17. I just seem to end up knowing it anyway.

18. Okay, well, I should keep waiting for my friend.

19. I don't mind.

20. I don't usually travel out that way much anymore,

21. but... you look like someone I used to know.

22. Okay.

23. Ozzie's Taxi.

24. I need a ride.

25. Good.

26. - Are you Irish? - No, no.

27. Oh.

28. Just a fan of the culture?

29. Not at all.

30. I... I haven't seen you before.

31. I'm pretty good at remembering people. I...

32. Oh, yeah, no. It's my first year.

33. Well, I'm not a freshman, it's my first year at Larimore.

34. I just transferred.

35. Am I talking too much? I'm sorry.

36. I'm a little nervous.

37. Oh, I'm always a little nervous.

38. You know, I've always wanted to come here.

39. - My mom used to live here. - At Devil's Lake?

40. Yeah. Yeah, actually at the house we're going to.

41. Her dad, well, my grandfather, bought it for her.

42. But now the university owns it.

43. You're Tory Reding's daughter?

44. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Did you know her?

45. Yeah.

46. Is that who you thought I looked like?

47. Yes.

48. How is she?

49. She passed away last year.

50. I'm sorry.

51. She was... nice to me.

52. Well, do you have any stories about her?

53. I'd like to hear them.

54. She didn't tell you anything

55. about the place where you're going?

56. No.

57. Ah.

58. Well, it's probably because everything's all right now.

59. What is?

60. Nothing.

61. I didn't realize the house was so far from campus.

62. It's far from... everything.

63. Thank you.

64. Everything okay?

65. Oh... yeah.

66. Everything.

67. We made sure of it.

68. But if it's not... look in the basement.

69. Wait, what?

70. Hello?

71. Hello?

72. Hello?

73. - Are you Lila? - Yeah.

74. What are you doing here?

75. I thought your bus didn't get in until 4:00.

76. It did.

77. - It's 4:00? - It's 5:30.

78. Oh, that means you had to spend an hour in a truck alone

79. with Ozzie the weirdo.

80. It's probably for the best, though.

81. Meredith isn't even back with the car yet.

82. Who the hell knows where she went?

83. Okay, be warned.

84. Rose has gone all Ed Begley Jr.--

85. - Who? - Never mind.

86. I'm thinking of crushing up some of my Klonopin

87. and spiking her clover juice.

88. - Oh, I love clover juice. - Right?

89. I'm so over kale.

90. We found this random clover patch in the yard a while back.

91. It inspired us to grow some in the garden.

92. - Did you pick it up yet? - Not yet!

93. Lila's here.

94. I thought she wasn't getting in until...

95. - Yeah. - Oh.

96. Well, it's good you're here, Lila.

97. We need your help.

98. She just got here, Rosie.

99. Lila, do you wanna pee outside or inside this week?

100. Uh, inside?

101. Then it's time to get to work.

102. Grab that wire.

103. Okay, Lila, this hose is gonna be our water line

104. until we get the pipes in.

105. Then our water source will be officially self-contained.

106. Step one of going off the grid.

107. Oh, wait, you guys weren't using the well before?

108. No, they stopped using it years ago because they said the water

109. was corrupted but I tested it myself and it's totally fine.

110. Like, perfect.

111. We should have been done with this already but it took longer

112. because someone decided to try and jerry-rig the solar panels

113. so she could use it to get internet.

114. Dude, we haven't had it for, like, three days.

115. Wait, there's no internet?

116. Yeah, no internet, no power, and no cell service, either,

117. until we get these frickin' solar panels installed.

118. There.

119. Once this juices up we'll have water

120. - and once Meredith gets back— - Okay, who's— Who's Meredith?

121. She's... She's the asshole.

122. Yeah, but she's the only one at the sorority

123. that's studying native plant landscape architecture.

124. So we need her.

125. Yeah, well, she loves her native plants.

126. Oh...

127. Think, Ozzie.

128. You had your phone at the bus stop.

129. You had your phone in the truck.

130. On the way to the house.

131. And now you don't.

132. It's at Tory's.

133. Darnit.

134. As long as Meredith is focused and booze-free she's great.

135. I brought refreshments.

136. - Also, I got beer. - Katie!

137. Meredith didn't tell me you were gonna be here.

138. Didn't I?

139. Hey. I'm Matt.

140. I'm Andy's friend. It's, uh, nice to meet you all.

141. No, Meredith. No, no, no.

142. This is not why we're here.

143. This is not supposed to be a four-week party,

144. this is serious.

145. This is me being serious with a beer in my hand.

146. Mm. Ah.

147. Plus, you told me to find people that are handy.

148. That's Matt and Andy. That rhymed, weird.

149. Anyway, it's, like, six. We can be socially conscious

150. and get shit-faced. They aren't mutually exclusive.

151. Well, actually the sun doesn't go down until about 7:00,

152. so, you know, we could work for a while...

153. Who's the party killer?

154. - Oh, uh, hi. I'm— - That's Lila, Meredith.

155. Our newest Alpha Epsilon sister.

156. Well, I also got pizza, but if you guys don't want any...

157. Fine! But only because I'm starving!

158. We're still starting early tomorrow!

159. We're still starting

160. - super early tomorrow. - Yes.

161. Of course she invited Andy.

162. She always has to start trouble.

163. Andy and I used to date.

164. I'm absolutely not going to sleep with him tonight.

165. It's just a coincidence.

166. Just a coincidence.

167. Oh, God, no!

168. Leave me alone!

169. No!

170. Papa?

171. We... We killed you... 25 years ago.

172. You're dead!

173. Twenty-five years.

174. You're lookin' a little worse for wear, my boy.

175. If you don't take care of your body...

176. It won't take care of you.

177. There once was a lad they thought died,

178. His flesh had melted off his whole hide,

179. But he escaped from the well, alive and quite swell,

180. And now he'll be killing in stride.

181. Twenty-five years, then?

182. I've got a lot of killing to make up for.

183. When did I get better looking?

184. You guys really going off grid?

185. By the end of summer we'll have moved all our electricity

186. to solar and all our water to the well.

187. We'll have grey irrigation and-

188. And we're raising myotonic goats for their milk

189. and soil aerating because the nitrogen in their...

190. It's gonna be, like, totally kick ass.

191. You do have a great ass.

192. No of fence, but you guys might win

193. nerdiest sorority on campus.

194. We are actually the only sorority or fraternity, Maddie,

195. since Rose petitioned to start a chapter.

196. Relationships are the key to a successful career.

197. If you are in a good sorority you will have contacts

198. anywhere you apply for a job.

199. Hey, Rose? What's this for?

200. The golden trowel?

201. I got that for building yurts out of Dralon.

202. Look, can we stop talking about work for five minutes?

203. I wanna learn more about our new friend, Lila.

204. Yeah.

205. I'm sure this can't be easy for you.

206. Leaving all your friends at your other school

207. to hang with some strangers in the dark.

208. Um, actually I lived at home and commuted,

209. so I didn't know that many people.

210. But you had some friends.

211. No.

212. Um, I spent most of my time taking care of my mom.

213. What was wrong with her?

214. Maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it.

215. No, it's okay.

216. It's what people do, right?

217. Um, she had some mental health issues.

218. She thought that monsters were always trying to get her

219. so she never left the house.

220. And then she got cancer.

221. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all that.

222. Well, I think I'm gonna get another beer.

223. - Anyone want anything? - I'll help you.

224. I got it.

225. I'll help anyway.

226. I love how she's all pretending she's not gonna screw him later.

227. Looks like I'm sleeping in your room, ladies.

228. As long as they're up at 6:00 I don't care what they do.

229. Lila, I need you on the rainwater barrels tomorrow.

230. - Sure. - I can help you.

231. Thanks.

232. Careful, Matt.

233. Sounds like Lila's mother was crazy

234. and that shit's hereditary.

235. She wasn't... She couldn't... That wasn't very nice.

236. - I think I'm gonna go to bed. - I'm just kidding, Lila.

237. No, really. It's okay. I'm just tired.

238. Well, goodnight.

239. Is it just me or is she a little weird?

240. Crap.

241. Only you could make cleaning look so filthy.

242. Stop it.

243. I'm trying to clean.

244. Being super clever won't get you anywhere.

245. Hello?

246. Oh, no.

247. Shit! Oh, my God!

248. Shit! Shit! This is gonna set us back half a day!

249. No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

250. Um... I think I got it.

251. Well, it doesn't matter! Look at all this water!

252. Okay, if you can just let me have

253. the water pump for a couple hours

254. I can use it to drain the water in here.

255. Really?

256. Yeah, really.

257. Thanks.

258. Yeah, of course.

259. I spent so much time taking care of my mother

260. that I got pretty good at problem solving.

261. Clearly.

262. But helpful, friendly hint...

263. maybe don't mention your mother so much.

264. What are those?

265. Meredith likes to juice

266. the fruit and vegetables from the garden.

267. Wow.

268. I had no idea she was so health conscious.

269. Please.

270. She infuses them all with vodka.

271. I love the smell of me gold in the morning.

272. Oh, actually you're supposed to drill it straight down,

273. otherwise it might get loose.

274. It's fine to do it this way. I've done it before.

275. Me too, and I'm telling you if you—

276. I knew you were gonna get weird if we had sex again.

277. Whoa! Whoa.

278. First of all, you hit on me, remember?

279. And second of all, this is so not about that.

280. You're literally just putting it in wrong.

281. Or...

282. you're being weird.

283. You know what, you ruined it.

284. We're not having sex again.

285. God.

286. Boo!

287. - Mer? - Yeah?

288. Are you okay?

289. Yep. Peachy.

290. Are you still in your pajamas?

291. Yep.

292. Jesus, Mer!

293. What is the point of you being here

294. if you're not gonna participate?

295. Do you even care about what we're doing here?

296. Yes, I care.

297. I care more about these plants

298. than any of the a-holes around here.

299. Really?

300. A plant has one job, Rose. It does it really well.

301. The right plant in the right place

302. won't only thrive for itself,

303. it helps the world around it thrive.

304. That was kind of lovely.

305. Also, you can ferment almost any plant to make alcohol.

306. Hello?

307. Okay, guys, very funny. Joke's on the new girl.

308. Uh, sorry, I uh... I—I came to see if you needed help.

309. Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

310. Were you just banging on the cistern?

311. I don't even know what that means.

312. - Cis... - Right, uh, sorry.

313. The— This thing. The water barrel.

314. Uh, no.

315. Hold on, I got an idea.

316. With no gold these 25 years,

317. I've lost me knack.

318. But time and a fresh killing should help bring it back!

319. I'm the least handy person.

320. I'm good with a camera, but, uh, don't ask me to fix your sink.

321. That's okay, I can fix my own sink.

322. So is that why you wanted to be a camera person?

323. Whoa, filmmaker, way different but, uh...

324. yeah, you know, these days you have to do it all like

325. Cassavetes or Rodriguez.

326. Maybe I can film an interview with you later

327. - for the documentary. - Oh.

328. No, no, I don't have anything interesting left to say.

329. You pretty much heard it all last night.

330. Friendless shut-in.

331. So, you know, my mom actually used to live—

332. Why are you here?

333. Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have to do the interview if, uh...

334. Oh, no, no sorry, I just thought I saw the taxi guy, but dead.

335. I don't know why I just said that.

336. It's fine.

337. I should probably get some last-minute footage

338. before it gets too dark.

339. Way to go, Lila.

340. Anything?

341. It's working!

342. We have power!

343. Well, then it's time to celebrate.

344. Yes!

345. Katie, come on!

346. All right.

347. Meow.

348. Meow.

349. Help! Help me!

350. Neither show, nor rain, nor heat,

351. nor bloom of light can stop a leprechaun from Kill...

352. What is this?

353. All better.

354. Killing is the key to my health

355. and helps me in finding my wealth.

356. Oh, that is awful! That is so awful!

357. Are you okay?

358. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. The hot water just ran out.

359. Don't tell Rose, she's gonna flip.

360. Uh, for Snapchat! Ah!

361. I love having internet again!

362. See, visually, I was going for, like,

363. a David Lean thing here, making the landscape the protagonist.

364. Oh, whatever.

365. All that moving is making me nauseous.

366. Babe, I think the shots you did are making you nauseous.

367. Andy, is that you peeing in the back yard?

368. What?

369. I thought the john wasn't working.

370. You're such an idiot.

371. Wow, Matt, this looks so cool.

372. Oh, thanks.

373. Weird? What is that, a rabbit?

374. God.

375. Rabbits will eat through the garden in an hour.

376. This is literally the worst thing that can happen right now.

377. What is this? This wasn't on my playlist.

378. I should put a temporary fence around the garden.

379. Matt, we should blow up our mattresses.

380. Sure thing, man.

381. Mm, no. II don't know.

382. I didn't have the right sized fuses for the circuit box.

383. I don't think it can handle that much power at once.

384. If you want me to sleep with you again

385. you don't have to make up excuses, okay?

386. Just say so.

387. God, I hate you.

388. She wants me.

389. Okay, well, um, I actually have portable speakers

390. that we could just plug my phone into, no problem.

391. I hate it when people try too hard.

392. Now we'll probably be stuck listening

393. to the Wicked soundtrack all night.

394. Okay.

395. Your bear isn't the only animal on the endangered list, love.

396. This can't be real.

397. Do I look like a figment of imagination to you?

398. Fruity. And full-bodied.

399. With hints of your mother.

400. You're the thing my mom always said was real.

401. She wasn't crazy.

402. Crazy to think she could get rid of me forever.

403. Her and her friends tried.

404. They watched me melt,

405. then threw me down the well to rot!

406. But if you leave a piece of a leprechaun intact,

407. you haven't killed the leprechaun, no.

408. And thanks to this piece of gold taken from my friend's bowels,

409. I was able to reform at my discretion.

410. Now, I want the rest of it.

411. Give it to me.

412. I don't know anything about your gold.

413. Then what's hanging around that pretty neck of yours?

414. What kind of trick is this?

415. It's not a trick.

416. My mom gave it to me. She said it would protect me.

417. It looks as real as me gold. Now, what did she do with it?

418. Andy!

419. Katie's never gonna let me hear the end of this.

420. I told you this was gonna happen.

421. I got the fuses you told me to.

422. But...

423. You know what?

424. I don't care.

425. Well, this party sucks.

426. Way to go, dude.

427. Oh, go film the damn stars, Scorsese.

428. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

429. And welcome to—

430. Lila!

431. I'm here for you, lass.

432. Or am I here?

433. Lila, are you okay?

434. - Matt! - Forget that hack.

435. I saw you in the shower.

436. You've got boobs of tal— I mean, oodles of talent.

437. I'll get all your best angles.

438. Oh, you're disgusting.

439. But in a sexy way, right?

440. Oh, gross.

441. You give great head.

442. Lila? You okay?

443. I'll be right there, Matty.

444. Wait, no!

445. Are you okay?

446. - Yeah. - Wait, wait.

447. Did you see it?

448. Something ran past me and knocked me down.

449. Like an animal or something. I caught it on my camera.

450. No, that wasn't an animal, okay? It was— It was...

451. Look, we need to get out of the house.

452. I'm sure we can set traps in the morning.

453. It's not exactly the end of the world-

454. No, it is kind of the end. Okay, we seriously need to go!

455. - Um... - Look, I'm not crazy, okay?

456. But how would you know that?

457. You don't know me.

458. None of you know me, so of course you think that I'm crazy,

459. just like everyone thought my mother was crazy

460. and Rose told me not to talk about my mom too much.

461. We are all so screwed.

462. Where is everyone?

463. I don't know.

464. We need to find them.

465. God. What an asshole.

466. Your face.

467. God!

468. Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?

469. What's wrong?

470. Hmm? Hmm?

471. I think there's another box of fuses in the barn.

472. If we don't turn everything on at once

473. I think we can get the lights working again.

474. Aren't you the smarty pants?

475. - Stop it. - Hmm?

476. I am not.

477. I'm not gonna keep doing this.

478. Stop.

479. There once was a lass in college,

480. Who studied the spirits for knowledge,

481. She laid hard with the devil, To rise up a great level,

482. But no one begrudged her the mileage.

483. Ah. A golden shower.

484. I don't care what the others say about you.

485. You're a keeper.

486. What do they say?

487. You know... I got a glad eye for a fellow tosspot.

488. I think I'm having alcohol hallucinations.

489. Don't be selling yourself short.

490. Short?

491. A Walkman and a camera all in one.

492. Impressive.

493. What's a Walkman?

494. Forget it.

495. I'm looking for something and if you tell me where it is

496. I won't rip you to shreds.

497. What're you looking for?

498. Come a little closer and I'll tell you.

499. Katie?

500. Oh, Rose.

501. Do not tell me something else is wrong.

502. I filmed an animal in the house.

503. It's inside?

504. Everyone needs to close the doors when they go.

505. Okay, it is not an animal.

506. It's a leprechaun.

507. So, no animal?

508. Okay, I am going to try to explain this calmly

509. so that you both can see that this is real.

510. I went to get my speakers and the leprechaun was wearing

511. my bear's head and it—

512. It attacked me and then it ran off

513. when all the lights went out.

514. Thank God.

515. Not for you, Lila, for the house.

516. Oh, for you that sounds...

517. Mental illness is a really unfortunate problem.

518. Maybe she hit her head.

519. There is a deranged dwarf

520. obsessed with money in the kitchen!

521. What?

522. Yeah, I got away before he could do anything.

523. See? That's him. I told you.

524. It could be a crackhead who got a hold of the wrong stuff.

525. It's a leprechaun!

526. How did you get that?

527. Guys, I always thought that my mom was sick, okay?

528. I mean, the strange things that she used to say.

529. That he would murder anyone for his gold.

530. Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't take stock

531. in the rantings of a crazy person.

532. She wasn't.

533. Okay?

534. I mean, I always thought, but... you know, she wasn't.

535. Katie and Andy are out back.

536. We can't leave them.

537. Guys.

538. Guys, I really don't think this is a good...

539. I gotta go take a leak.

540. No, no, no, no, that's latex which isn't biodegrade...

541. I make such bad choices.

542. Come on, Katie.

543. I don't wanna have another talk right now, okay?

544. My sentiments exactly.

545. The ladies always want to ruin the moment.

546. That's why I'm fond of tearing out their tongues.

547. What the hell are you?

548. I'm a leprechaun and I've come to get me gold back.

549. You wouldn't know anything about that now, would you?

550. Dude.

551. You and me.

552. I've given you something.

553. Now I want what was stolen of mine.

554. I have no idea what you're talking about.

555. Let me put it in a way you'll understand.

556. Tit for tat!

557. It got me!

558. My bad, it was just a piece of hemp grass from the...

559. Shit.

560. What's happening?

561. It's him.

562. He's shorter in person.

563. Is that all you've got, you micro freak?

564. I'll admit, without me gold I'm not in top form,

565. but I, unlike you, still know how to perform.

566. I'm gonna stomp your ass!

567. Andy, just let it go! Get out of there!

568. Shut up, Katie, I know what I'm doing!

569. One for Andy.

570. Actually it's one for me and two of...

571. I don't have the key on me! It must be in my room!

572. - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure!

573. Do you think Andy's dead?

574. I mean, I know that he was split

575. down the coronal plane but he...

576. Oh, my God, he's dead! Oh, my God!

577. Why can't we just run?

578. We— We can get as far away as possible.

579. Wait, did we lose Rose?

580. Hello?

581. Heel! Heel! Heel!

582. That's not exactly what I meant.

583. You vile troll!

584. Troll? That's just offensive.

585. Now, why would she go and do that?

586. You can't leave perfectly good shoes just lying about

587. without a care!

588. - Maybe he ate her. - No, no, no, no.

589. I— I don't think that he's a cannibal.

590. Well, he could be a cannibal, I mean...

591. No one cares, Matt!

592. No, he seems a little too refined, though.

593. I mean, he wears that frickin' jaunty hat!

594. We have to go back for her!

595. What?

596. Okay. Babe, don't be mad, okay?

597. It's the right thing to do.

598. It's just... it's a little surprising coming from you.

599. So we're just gonna go in like it— Like it's nothing?

600. Look. We are a bunch of smart women.

601. Matt, you seem smart, too.

602. Okay, we can do this.

603. We can totally figure this out, right?

604. Right?

605. Probably doing fashion a favor killing that one.

606. They should be on my desk.

607. He's gone. Come on.

608. Do you see Rose?

609. Okay.

610. Shh.

611. Shh!

612. Shh!

613. Why would you do that?

614. I was trying to quietly get your attention!

615. Mission not accomplished! What're you doing here, anyway?

616. I needed something.

617. Where's the lawn gnome?

618. We lost him, but we gotta get to the car.

619. But the house?

620. Everything I've... We've worked for,

621. we can't just leave it!

622. It's time to start making some smart choices, Rose!

623. You can't save the world if you're dead, okay?

624. Come on, let's get to the car.

625. Meredith and Lila are getting the keys.

626. Shit! He's coming through the back.

627. Wait, what? No, no, no. Are you sure?

628. Yeah, look.

629. He's too close, we're not gonna make it without him seeing us.

630. We should hide in the basement, wait 'til he passes,

631. - then book it to the car. - Wait, what? No, no, no.

632. Meredith, I think this could be a really bad idea, okay?

633. I mean, I mean, we could get trapped in there.

634. Will you trust me? We're sorority sisters.

635. And friends.

636. No, no, no. Meredith?

637. Meredith! Come on, what're you doing?

638. - Let me out! - He just wants his gold, Lila.

639. Give it to him and I'm sure you'll be fine.

640. No, no, no, Meredith.

641. Meredith, I don't think that's how he works, okay?

642. I mean, you— You saw what he did to Andy, all right?

643. You can't trust him. Come on, you don't know him.

644. I don't know you, either. None of us do.

645. No, no, no! Come on!

646. Meredith, come on! Let me out!

647. Whoa, whoa, whoa, where's Lila?

648. - She didn't make it. - What do you mean?

649. She's dead! He killed her!

650. What?

651. We have to go!

652. We should get out of here.

653. He's probably really close by now.

654. That's the car of the future? Sad.

655. No, no, no, no, get away from me!

656. What is going on right now?

657. Are you here to hurt me?

658. Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead

659. and I'm gonna guess that you're dead.

660. Did the leprechaun do it?

661. I'm sorry.

662. Are you a zombie?

663. A ghost?

664. This should help a little.

665. Is the leprechaun how you know my mom?

666. You guys stopped it together?

667. I didn't get any of that.

668. Okay, well, uh, what would be really helpful is

669. if you knew where his gold was.

670. It's in one of these boxes?

671. There's nothing in here.

672. Tory, Nathan, Alex, Ozzie.

673. A map of gold?

674. Ozzie, this is amazing!

675. Wow.

676. Super strength, telekinesis, really good impressions.

677. He's like an awful David Blaine.

678. Or just David Blaine.

679. Wait, clovers can stop him?

680. Okay, okay, okay.

681. We just have to find a way out of here now.

682. Uh, ghost Ozzie, I can't do that.

683. Ozzie?

684. Ghost Ozzie, a little help here.

685. All right, time to go for the gold.

686. Yeah, this would have been a better first option.

687. Sorry! I'm super drunk.

688. Did we get away?

689. Did we just get away?

690. I don't see him anywhere.

691. We did it!

692. And I feel super bad about Lila.

693. She's getting what she deserved.

694. What do you mean "getting"?

695. Is she still alive? Did you lie?

696. What?

697. But she's the reason all of this happened in the first place.

698. The leprechaun said if I gave her to him

699. he would let us leave.

700. Us?

701. Fine, me.

702. We are sorority sisters! We stick together!

703. You think I wanted to be in a sorority? No.

704. We need to go back for her.

705. We aren't even a real sorority,

706. you literally set it up, like, a month ago!

707. Whoa!

708. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

709. Oh, my God.

710. Go faster! Go faster!

711. I think we've established it's not going to happen!

712. Here!

713. Turn here to the right, to the right!

714. To the right! To the right!

715. I think you got him.

716. Come on.

717. Do you see the keys?

718. No.

719. Ozzie?

720. Katie, look for the keys.

721. Oh, my God.

722. Looks like you've hit a dead end.

723. Katie!

724. Oh, my God!

725. Me gold must be close by,

726. "cause I'm starting to feel like me old self again.

727. A few more kills should do the trick.

728. I did what you wanted.

729. I left Lila for you.

730. You said you wouldn't lay a hand on me.

731. I suppose I did.

732. And a leprechaun always keeps his word.

733. What the hell are you doing? Meredith!

734. I made a deal with him.

735. You wanna make your own deal, go ahead,

736. but I'm getting the hell outta here.

737. Let's go.

738. I won't lay a hand on you.

739. Really?

740. We're friends.

741. Meredith, 1. All of you assholes, 0.

742. Woohoo!

743. You promised! Why are you doing this?

744. I promised I wouldn't lay a hand on you.

745. I didn't say I wouldn't kill you.

746. Now she's one with nature.

747. Ashes to ashes!

748. Blood and guts!

749. Do you think she's okay?

750. Uh, no.

751. Is everything all right?

752. Yeah, I think I can get this working with my phone.

753. You guys keep going.

754. Maybe I can slow him down.

755. You can find Lila, get the power on and call the police.

756. Are you sure?

757. Not really.

758. But a great filmmaker is like the captain of a ship.

759. If Werner Herzog can do it so can I.

760. Werner Hertzcock would be proud.

761. Thanks.

762. - Who's Werner Hertzcock? - How the hell should I know?

763. Okay. Okay, just keep it together, Lila.

764. Pied Piper this, douche bag.

765. I see you, little birdie.

766. Where the hell are we?

767. I was hoping you knew.

768. Nope.

769. Okay.

770. What're you doing?

771. I'm looking for the north star on my star-gazing app.

772. Do you see it?

773. Yeah, look. See? It's that one.

774. So we're supposed to go north?

775. Well, technically the sorority house is south east but...

776. I don't know. Without the proper coordinates

777. I don't know exactly where we are, so...

778. You have no idea?

779. No.

780. - Shh! Shh! - It's him!

781. - We are so dead! - Be quiet!

782. You're not dead! Good for you!

783. Thank you.

784. What're you doing out here?

785. I'm looking for his gold.

786. I thought you said you didn't know where it was.

787. Well, I didn't. But now I do.

788. Almost.

789. Okay.

790. All right. All right.

791. Oh, shit.

792. Lights, camera, decapitation.

793. Work goddam it!

794. Why do you look so sore?

795. Audiences love lots of gore.

796. Help!

797. As long as you don't let it get to your head.

798. I tried to warn you.

799. And now you're dead.

800. Okay, so my mom and her friends hid the gold.

801. I guess they didn't want anything to do with it,

802. but they hid it here in case it came back.

803. Which, obviously, he did.

804. Where'd you find the map?

805. Oz.

806. Look, what if the gold isn't there?

807. It has to be.

808. Look. There.

809. That seems like a big enough marker, don't you think?

810. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

811. Um, okay.

812. - Look, we found it! - Yeah!

813. Oh.

814. What?

815. That's what he's trying to kill us for?

816. That seems a little anticlimactic.

817. Well, yeah, but if that's what he wants then we just—

818. - We have to give it to him. - No. You can't give that to him.

819. That isn't all of it.

820. How do you know that?

821. Because I found it months ago, okay?

822. I didn't know who's it was, it was just here, just...

823. hidden here.

824. You stole it?

825. I only took what I needed for the house project.

826. I— I kept a record of it

827. so I would know how much to buy back

828. once I could afford it after everyone saw what I...

829. What we did with the house project.

830. So much for the sorority code.

831. This is something you should have mentioned before, Rose!

832. My God, we're so screwed!

833. I thought we were gonna get away.

834. I don't understand, though.

835. I thought you had a successful GoFundMe page.

836. Please.

837. No one really gives a shit about saving the environment.

838. The only people that gave money were my stepmother out of guilt

839. and some dude from Albuquerque who asked if I would send

840. a naked picture of myself in return for 20 bucks,

841. which I did, by the way.

842. So I funded it all myself.

843. But I only took as much as I needed.

844. I planned on buying it all back and returning it

845. from the Cash for Gold place.

846. Okay, okay.

847. How much more was in there when you first found it?

848. Not much more.

849. Well, what does your notebook say?

850. I guess like...

851. - Oh, my God. - So overflowing?

852. Okay, look.

853. We can just take it back to the Cash for Gold place

854. and get it back.

855. It's all the way in Bismarck.

856. Oh, God! What have you done, Rose?

857. Now we have nothing to offer him!

858. Oh, my God, oh, my God, he's gonna Kill us all.

859. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. Look.

860. If we can't give him his gold then...

861. Then there's only one thing left to do.

862. - Run forever? - No.

863. We use his strengths against him.

864. And we Kill him.

865. Where are you going?

866. Okay, I don't know, actually.

867. That just seemed like the right thing to do,

868. but we should probably make a plan first.

869. Yeah.

870. Okay, well, we know his strengths.

871. I mean, that's something.

872. Yeah, but we don't know what his weaknesses are

873. and we can't just Google how to kill a leprechaun.

874. Wait, can we?

875. If we had power, yeah.

876. We could just reboot the internet and call the police.

877. Wait, is there a way to turn the power back on?

878. I just have to change the fuse.

879. Lila, why didn't he take the coin around your neck?

880. Well, he tried but it burned his hand when he grabbed it.

881. Let me see it.

882. I think it's fool's gold.

883. How can you tell?

884. Andy tried to pass off this bracelet he got

885. for my birthday as real gold.

886. It wasn't.

887. Lila, fool's good is iron pyrite.

888. Iron. That's a thing, right?

889. That sounds like a thing we can stop him with.

890. Oh, yeah. And four-leaf clovers.

891. - How do you know that? - I just do.

892. Where are we gonna get that much iron?

893. Guys, I have an idea.

894. We are so not going to pull this off.

895. We can do this.

896. We can do this.

897. Well, we have to give it to him.

898. That's easy for you,

899. you have protection around your neck.

900. Okay, I thought we said that we were all gonna stick together?

901. We have been, and look where that got us!

902. If we give it to him we're as good as dead.

903. You don't know what you're talking about.

904. Neither do you, Lila.

905. Just because your mother dealt with this

906. doesn't mean you're gonna walk out of it, too.

907. You're gonna get us all killed.

908. Well, fine. Then I'll just give it to him myself.

909. - Fine. - Fine.

910. Fine.

911. A bunch of chirping birds make for easy pickins.

912. Two pretty sights in one.

913. Me gold and a girl whose fate is undone.

914. You want it?

915. It's yours.

916. Looks like your friends didn't agree with your plan.

917. They didn't want me to give it to you.

918. But if I didn't you'd just Kill us.

919. Okay?

920. So it's yours, just— Just take it and leave.

921. Very wise of you.

922. One, two, three...

923. Not so fast, lass.

924. With more gold I have more power.

925. Have a seat.

926. If you disturb me counting of gold,

927. I'll give you a beheading like times of old.

928. Or like a few hours ago, for that matter.

929. Turns out Matt's greatest achievement was a snuff film.

930. You're a monster.

931. Four, five, six...

932. I guess it's your time of the month.

933. I want me gold.

934. Now!

935. You'll find it in Bismarck, douche bag!

936. Okay, go!

937. What have you done?

938. It's iron.

939. Let me out!

940. Okay, come on, okay.

941. We are broken up! Get over it!

942. So gross, so gross, so gross!

943. Okay.

944. Okay.

945. If you let me free I'll grant you a wish.

946. You can have anything you want.

947. I don't want anything from you.

948. Are you sure?

949. Do what he says, sweetheart.

950. Mom?

951. I told you, all of this is real.

952. You have to believe me when I tell you

953. that if you let him go you could wish me back.

954. These people aren't your friends.

955. You don't need them.

956. Not when you have me.

957. I love you, Lila.

958. I could really have my mom back?

959. Just set me free.

960. That's it.

961. I wish...

962. I wish you'd just die already.

963. One Shamrock Shake coming up.

964. I really wish someone heard that one.

965. Hey, did it work?

966. Yeah. Yeah, I think it did.

967. So... now what?

968. Okay, okay. Now we have to burn the rest of him,

969. because he said if you leave a piece of a leprechaun

970. you haven't killed a leprechaun,

971. so we have to get rid of all of him.

972. - Like a funeral pyre? - Yeah, I guess so.

973. We can get a fire started in the front yard,

974. because I never wanna see that shitty Lilliputian ever again.

975. No, Rose, we don't wanna hear how fire releases carbon dioxide

976. into the air, okay? Okay.

977. Fine.

978. I'll sweep him up.

979. Just scream if anything happens.

980. What more could possibly happen?

981. Well, this has been the weirdest day of my life.

982. Yeah.

983. After everything I went through with my mother

984. I didn't think I'd have a weirder day.

985. Then again, I also never thought I'd have any friends.

986. You do have a hard time keeping them, though.

987. You're...

988. - Oh, no? - Uh-uh.

989. Stupid leprechaun.

990. Are you kidding?

991. I'll never get a job at ICF now.

992. You missed a spot.

993. Oh, no!

994. Guess you're gonna foot the bill.

995. Not cool.

996. Stop, hammer time!

997. I'll give you geriatrics some hammer time.

998. I know something you don't nose.

999. Rose!

1000. I spent last summer stopping poachers

1001. from Killing sea turtles in Costa Rica.

1002. I can handle a bunch of pocket-sized pixies!

1003. Rose?

1004. No!

1005. Guess she couldn't dig herself out of that one.

1006. Wha...

1007. You know what really helps the environment?

1008. Population control.

1009. Please tell me you have a solution for this.

1010. Um... uh, gold's— Gold's a conductor, right?

1011. Yeah, but they don't...

1012. Yeah. Yeah, it is!

1013. Looks like I really pulled it together.

1014. Now, give me me gold.

1015. Well, you're the one who can't keep track of his gold.

1016. Maybe you need to be more fiscally responsible.

1017. Maybe you...

1018. need to liquidate!

1019. It's a little too little, a little too late.

1020. The best you can hope for is a painful fate.

1021. Hey, you minuscule monster.

1022. It's time to cash out.

1023. Oh, shite!

1024. How's that for energy efficient?

1025. Help me.

1026. We need to go!

1027. Come on!

1028. How do we get out?

1029. Are you shitting me? Eco fiber glass!

1030. And they say there's no global warming.

1031. Wait!

1032. Dying in the basement is your best idea?

1033. Okay, Katie, we are not going to die!

1034. Hopefully!

1035. Okay. Okay, come on.

1036. Please don't leave me, Lila.

1037. I've got a limerick for you.

1038. Eat a dick, Ass Baggins.

1039. Come on, come on!

1040. Oh, my god.

1041. Ow, I think it punctured my trapezius.

1042. What?

1043. - It's okay, I'll be okay. - Okay, okay.

1044. Um, come on, come on. We gotta go.

1045. Why are you doing that?

1046. What?

1047. You don't see...

1048. See what?

1049. See what?

1050. Nothing. Nothing. I don't see anything, either.

1051. Thank you.

1052. What the hell happened here?

1053. Are you girls okay?

1054. Yeah.

1055. We just learned that sometimes the best green footprint...

1056. is no footprint.

1057. Actually, we're probably gonna need a ride

1058. "cause I'm losing a lot of blood, so...

1059. Okay, yep.

1060. Back's open.