1. Hey. You know
the 5th grade starts tomorrow again.Copy !req
2. What? Does that mean
we have to get up at 8:00?Copy !req
3. Oh, calm down.Copy !req
4. - You slept 95% of the summer.
- Yeah.Copy !req
5. - What about Summer?
- Yeah, she's nice.Copy !req
6. Uh, vomit.Copy !req
7. - Summer, where's Mommy?
- I'll put you to bed tonight, Kayla.Copy !req
8. We're getting older.
Mom'll be gone someday.Copy !req
9. It's 5th grade. Time to be a grown-up.Copy !req
10. - Where did she—
- I won't drink coffee or like boys.Copy !req
11. - I'll fill my own water bottle, get bangs.
- Is she still gonna—Copy !req
12. Everyone got bangs,
but my forehead's getting bigger.Copy !req
13. I don't wanna look like a parade float
or an alien and be the talk—Copy !req
14. - The big time!Copy !req
15. Going to Westlake next year?Copy !req
16. My cousin said
there's a kid who smokes there.Copy !req
17. - You see anything?
- No. A lot of yappin'. Come on.Copy !req
18. - Ah, there we go.
- All right.Copy !req
19. Another year, another batch
of 5th grade head cases.Copy !req
20. Kabir, Anthony, welcome.Copy !req
21. You from New York, new guy? Patriots suck!Copy !req
22. That's New England.Copy !req
23. - I think your shirt's on backwards.
- Come on!Copy !req
24. - Look at this. Bunch of motormouths.
- Yep. Same old, same old.Copy !req
25. I saw Cara in a sweater from Gymboree.Copy !req
26. - There's the snotty clique.
- Tween Queens.Copy !req
27. - The Facade Squad.
- Peaking at 11.Copy !req
28. - The "sick and should've stayed home" kid.
- Always one.Copy !req
29. There's the class clown
who secretly despises himself.Copy !req
30. That's hysterical, Cole!Copy !req
31. - Thanks, Cole!
- Jeez, how many Coles this year?Copy !req
32. Reminds me
of the Justin avalanche of 1991.Copy !req
33. God forbid we ever see a Richie again.Copy !req
34. Bro, no way, are you taller than me now?Copy !req
35. The inevitable Cheez Doodle kid.Copy !req
36. No,
those look like Dorito fingers.Copy !req
37. - We just moved from the Bronx.
- You're new? Wow.Copy !req
38. That's hard. Never had to leave friends,
except when we went to Myrtle Beach.Copy !req
39. On the flight home,
the old lady next to me had arthritis.Copy !req
40. I opened her mustard packet.Copy !req
41. - First child.
- No filter.Copy !req
42. Never heard the word "enough."Copy !req
43. Okay, guys. Are you excited?Copy !req
44. Most of you have been going
to this school for five years.Copy !req
45. Some of you, seven.
And now you're the big kids.Copy !req
46. I hope everyone's met our class pets,
Leonardo and Squirtle.Copy !req
47. I'm not touching those things.Copy !req
48. Don't they eat, sleep and poo
in the same place?Copy !req
49. Hey! I poo where he sleeps.Copy !req
50. Now what if I told youCopy !req
51. there's a big reward at the end
of this year if you do well in class?Copy !req
52. - The Academicathalon thing?Copy !req
53. Look at her work these kids.
Salinas, what a pro.Copy !req
54. Best since Ms. Bielecky in the '60s.Copy !req
55. And what if I told you
this year's winning classCopy !req
56. gets a field trip to somewhere special
for a whole day?Copy !req
57. - Yeah!Copy !req
58. Wow!Copy !req
59. - Salinas havin' a baby?
- The belly's poppin' a little.Copy !req
60. Oh, Zane, I'm afraid
you can't bring snacks into the class.Copy !req
61. I'll hold those, just for now.Copy !req
62. Cheetos. Wow, didn't see that coming.Copy !req
63. At the end of the year,
our three 5th grade classesCopy !req
64. compete in art,
debating, science, and history.Copy !req
65. And if our class wins,
we get a trip to Magic Land Park!Copy !req
66. Don't they have the Dragon Coaster?
I heard it caught fire once!Copy !req
67. - Yeah, it was banned in Europe.
- Yes, but not in Florida.Copy !req
68. - Yep, havin' a baby.Copy !req
69. Okay. Let's see
how much you guys already know.Copy !req
70. Who knows what you call it when a plant...Copy !req
71. converts light to food?Copy !req
72. - The conversion's photosynthesis...
- Photosynthesis.Copy !req
73. - ... turning H2O and CO2 into glucose.
- Into glucose.Copy !req
74. - Ah.
- Excellent job, Mia.Copy !req
75. Oh. So...Copy !req
76. Oh, boy. Divorced parents.Copy !req
77. Okay, honey. Thank you.Copy !req
78. - You're okay. So sweet.Copy !req
79. Okay.Copy !req
80. Let's look at some of the books
we're gonna read in class this year.Copy !req
81. Who's heard of Charlotte's Web?Copy !req
82. Oh no. The kids always cry at the end.Copy !req
83. Like kids don't cry enough?
We gotta trigger the garden hoses?Copy !req
84. - Crying's for weaklings.
- Right.Copy !req
85. We'll meet Fern and her pig, Wilbur.Copy !req
86. It's a stupid book anyway.Copy !req
87. - Right. Animals never talk to people.
- Plus, no one gets to eat Charlotte.Copy !req
88. You just have to hear
about this delicious spider for daysCopy !req
89. and get hungry thinkin' about it.Copy !req
90. - ... like you'll learn this year.Copy !req
91. Sorry, Cole?
Is there something you wanna share?Copy !req
92. - That's so gross!Copy !req
93. - I can't believe you did that!Copy !req
94. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
95. Man, that smells good.Copy !req
96. Send some of that our way next time.
Gettin' sick of the lettuce.Copy !req
97. Hi, Mrs. Salinas!Copy !req
98. - Hi, I'm Cole Wiseki's mom.
- Oh, hi.Copy !req
99. Can I— Real quick? For Facebook?Copy !req
100. - Thanks.Copy !req
101. - Cole is a very—
- That's gonna look great. Thank you.Copy !req
102. Since when do people
wanna look like ducks?Copy !req
103. Isn't that something,
how they've grown?Copy !req
104. And in 5th grade, you'll find your kids
wanting to make their own choices.Copy !req
105. Embrace it.
Let them make their own mistakes.Copy !req
106. How long does this go?Copy !req
107. Not terribly long, Dr. Wenger.Copy !req
108. Now, some of you may have heard
about Mrs. Salinas', uh,Copy !req
109. incident in class.Copy !req
110. I want to confirm it has nothing to do
with anything she ate in the cafeteria.Copy !req
111. She's just gonna be taking some time off.
A leave, let's say.Copy !req
112. Wait. For how long?Copy !req
113. Here comes the bomb.Copy !req
114. For, uh... Till she has the baby, let's say.Copy !req
115. - What?
- Having a baby?Copy !req
116. Are you sure?
Did she get a second opinion?Copy !req
117. Are you kidding me?
This is what happened in 3rd grade!Copy !req
118. The substitute was awful!Copy !req
119. I'm texting my daughter right now!
She'll be devastated!Copy !req
120. - You can't just say that!Copy !req
121. Look at these lazy class pets.
Do they even move?Copy !req
122. - I'd like that job.
- That lizard looks pretty old.Copy !req
123. Do I look old?Copy !req
124. Mm-mm.Copy !req
125. Thank you.Copy !req
126. It's a Tuatara. They live a long time.
Till about 75.Copy !req
127. Hmm. Never knew that.
Suck on that, hamsters.Copy !req
128. Wow. Looks like
he's gettin' close to that.Copy !req
129. Bye. Nice seeing you.Copy !req
130. - Ah, he's nuts.Copy !req
131. I mean, you're old, cranky, lazy,
but no way does that make you 75.Copy !req
132. Seventy-five.
Seventy-five. Seventy-five.Copy !req
133. Underneath it says,Copy !req
134. "Here men from the planet Earth
first set foot upon the Moon."Copy !req
135. - We came in peace—Copy !req
136. 1949.Copy !req
137. - What about it?
- I was born around then.Copy !req
138. How many years has it been since 1949?Copy !req
139. No idea. That's addition.Copy !req
140. They learn that in 2nd grade.
We're all about fractions.Copy !req
141. Great. Why can't they move us
around a little, so we can know more?Copy !req
142. Okay, four sixteenths equals
how many fourths?Copy !req
143. - She's leaving. They don't hear a word.
- 1966, 1967...Copy !req
144. - What're you doin'?
- Trying to count how many years old I am.Copy !req
145. 1968, 1969, 1970...Copy !req
146. I'm out of toes and fingers.
What else can I count with?Copy !req
147. - I'd tell you, but there's kids around.Copy !req
148. I was talkin' about his tail.Copy !req
149. Addition... I...
I gotta talk to some 2nd grade pets.Copy !req
150. Forget it.
We only see those pets at fire drills.Copy !req
151. They don't happen until November.Copy !req
152. - What the—Copy !req
153. - Huh? What?
- Is this a fire drill?Copy !req
154. It's probably nothing, but let's go.
Anthony, why don't you grab the pets?Copy !req
155. - Everyone evacuate! Stop, drop and roll!Copy !req
156. I think I'm on fire!Copy !req
157. Jeez, we just redecorated!Copy !req
158. Someday, cops are gonna
carry that kid off a plane. Huh?Copy !req
159. I'll park ya right over here, fellas.Copy !req
160. All right, here we go.Copy !req
161. Hey, guys, how was your summer?
Do anything fun?Copy !req
162. - Sleep.
- Sleep.Copy !req
163. - Eat.
- Lot of poopin'.Copy !req
164. Terrific. Say, who's 2nd grade again?Copy !req
165. - That's me. How ya doin', Lizzy?
- Great.Copy !req
166. I'm actually Leonardo. Lizzy's the iguana
in Mr. Marculia's homeroom. You're...Copy !req
167. I'm Cinnabun. I know. So corny.
Just got renamed again.Copy !req
168. Oh. Well, beats "Thumper."Copy !req
169. I guess. What's bad are the Hare ones.
Hare Brain, Hare Piece, Hare-y Potter...Copy !req
170. Right, right. Hey, the 2nd graders,
you guys do addition, right?Copy !req
171. - ... Hare Lip, Hare Club For Men.Copy !req
172. Yes, and subtraction. We do both.Copy !req
173. Great, okay, look. If I got here in 1949,Copy !req
174. and it's 2023, what does that make me?Copy !req
175. Oh. Uh, I know this one. A reptile.Copy !req
176. - Shmuck.Copy !req
177. - Okay, it was a false alarm.Copy !req
178. The school is not on fire.Copy !req
179. No, how old would I be?Copy !req
180. No. Right, subtraction.
Okay, um, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, 74.Copy !req
181. - Seventy-four. Isn't that right before—
- Upsy-daisies.Copy !req
182. Wait, wait! Hold on!Copy !req
183. That's the number before 75, isn't it?Copy !req
184. - What's the matter? You look upset.Copy !req
185. - Cinnabun!Copy !req
186. - Settle down.Copy !req
187. I'm a lizard. Ooh.Copy !req
188. That's good. Don't dignify it.Copy !req
189. Doesn't matter. I'm doomed.Copy !req
190. I'm 74 seventy-fifths dead.Copy !req
191. What? That's not for class pets.Copy !req
192. When you're in captivity,
75 is the new 70.Copy !req
193. And, hey, you wanna live so bad,
a little exercise wouldn't kill ya.Copy !req
194. - Like what?
- Blinking's good. That'd be a start.Copy !req
195. - I blink.
- Barely.Copy !req
196. Fine.Copy !req
197. - Okay. You didn't have to dive right in.Copy !req
198. Who am I kiddin'?Copy !req
199. I can't start this rigorous workin' out
at this point in my life.Copy !req
200. It's too late. I blew it.Copy !req
201. I wasted my life!Copy !req
202. And now, it's almost over.Copy !req
203. Go about your business.Copy !req
204. Everyone, meet your new teacher.Copy !req
205. This is our substitute?Copy !req
206. You have to leave? So soon?Copy !req
207. Well, my doctor thinks I need
to rest through my pregnancy.Copy !req
208. So until I'm back, you'll have Ms. Malkin.Copy !req
209. - It's not brain surgery, gang.Copy !req
210. Guys, you don't have to be afraid
of change.Copy !req
211. Change is a beautiful part of life.Copy !req
212. - Oh, I don't sing.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
213. How about we continue with the class.
I'm gonna teach with Ms. Malkin today—Copy !req
214. - Please don't leave us, Mrs. Salinas!
- Oh.Copy !req
215. Agh! Down! Now! Down!Copy !req
216. - No hug! Sit!Copy !req
217. In class, we sit up straight,
pay attention, and we are what? You!Copy !req
218. What? Oh, my God. Um, we're quiet?Copy !req
219. That's very good listening, Logan.
That's a heart for you.Copy !req
220. The hearts are for when the kids listen.
To motivate good—Copy !req
221. Listening is not a favor.Copy !req
222. When you listen, you get knowledge,
not a carnival prize.Copy !req
223. - We have a chance to go to Magic—Copy !req
224. Ew. What was that?Copy !req
225. Peanut butter and ham. My dad overslept.Copy !req
226. Okay, well, we're out of time,
so let's wish Mrs. Salinas well. Bye-bye.Copy !req
227. - But, I— The class is—
- No, no. I know. Out we go.Copy !req
228. - Better luck with your own kid.
- Okay, guys, see you in—Copy !req
229. Moving on. It's Friday. That means
one student has to take home a class pet.Copy !req
230. - What's this now?
- Uh, we don't do that here.Copy !req
231. Not anymore. No way.Copy !req
232. In my classroom,
you will learn responsibility.Copy !req
233. You will feed it properly
and return it in healthy condition.Copy !req
234. Alive.Copy !req
235. Do we have a volunteer?Copy !req
236. - Come on. Somebody raise your hand.
- What?Copy !req
237. Remember what happens at the kids' houses?
They forget to feed you or abuse you.Copy !req
238. - It'll grow back.Copy !req
239. - Yeesh.
- Hey, it looked cool in the '90s.Copy !req
240. I'm waiting. Volunteer, please.Copy !req
241. Don't you get it? This is my shot.Copy !req
242. So I go with one of these kids,
case the house for open windows,Copy !req
243. then when I'm alone, zip! I escape.Copy !req
244. - Ha. You couldn't zip when you were 20.
- I'm zipping. And then I really live.Copy !req
245. Maybe climb a tree. Swim in a sewer.
See the Everglades.Copy !req
246. The Everglades?
With those untamed animals? Are you nuts?Copy !req
247. You know they don't even have names,
right? It's anarchy.Copy !req
248. You think a rock potato like you
can survive there?Copy !req
249. - Your last days will be in a beer can.
- Let's go.Copy !req
250. Who's gonna take on some responsibility?Copy !req
251. - Or do I have to pick?
- Well, if no one else will...Copy !req
252. I don't want them to feel not wanted.
Everybody wants to fit inCopy !req
253. and shouldn't be judged
on looks, species, foreheads.Copy !req
254. I have to go indoor skydiving tomorrow,Copy !req
255. but my father'll be home,
so if it's okay to—Copy !req
256. - Pick one!
- Okay, the lizard!Copy !req
257. Listen, when you're out there in the wild
and those animals come after you,Copy !req
258. remember to change your colors
and blend in!Copy !req
259. - That's chameleons. I'm not a chameleon.
- Oh, well, then you're a dead man.Copy !req
260. Tomorrow's indoor skydiving.
We have to get ready.Copy !req
261. It's exactly like skydiving,
except you can't get hurt.Copy !req
262. Okay, we have a busy weekend.Copy !req
263. Do I have to wear a dress to Grandma's?
It'll be pants weather on Sunday.Copy !req
264. Jayda said the word "puke".
She said it wasn't a curse word. Is it?Copy !req
265. I feel bad leaving him.
Nobody wants him near the dinner table.Copy !req
266. He's good with his water. Back soon!Copy !req
267. Kayla, don't look scared of him.
That's being mean.Copy !req
268. It's on.Copy !req
269. Yeah.Copy !req
270. He's nice, the new kid Kabir,
but he doesn't talk a lot,Copy !req
271. at least not with me.
Maybe he's shy since...Copy !req
272. Then I burned my tongue.
It didn't, like, burn off completely,Copy !req
273. or I couldn't tell you
how I ate my mozzarella sticks.Copy !req
274. Hey, Leonardo. You missed a great movie.
Tomorrow I'll take you down for breakfast.Copy !req
275. I hope they have everything bagels left.
I don't know why we get sesame bagels.Copy !req
276. Mom asked me to try one, I was like,
"Why would you take off the poppy seedsCopy !req
277. and the salt..."Copy !req
278. Wait, where are you?Copy !req
279. This is a nightmare!
I'll be the kid who killed the lizard,Copy !req
280. no matter what I do in my life.Copy !req
281. Whether I do drama, be a doctor—
I'll never be a doctor now.Copy !req
282. I could work at the DMV.
Hopefully, the one next to Quiznos.Copy !req
283. - I don't wanna go far from my parents.Copy !req
284. Mother of Godzilla!Copy !req
285. What was that?Copy !req
286. Well? Who said that?Copy !req
287. The wall? Walls don't talk.
Why would a wall say anything?Copy !req
288. Why point to it?
They say, "If these walls could talk,"Copy !req
289. because they can't talk—Copy !req
290. - The trophy!Copy !req
291. You said something! You just spoke! Mom!Copy !req
292. - No!
- You talked!Copy !req
293. You're talking!Copy !req
294. I'm telling Mom,
or people will think I'm crazy.Copy !req
295. I'll have to go to that school
in Tampa for kids with issues! I—Copy !req
296. But please, people can't know!Copy !req
297. - Why are your hands wet?
- They're naturally moist.Copy !req
298. Please, I'm begging you to keep quiet.Copy !req
299. If people know I talk,Copy !req
300. they'll send me
to a scientist or something.Copy !req
301. - But I have to tell someone.
- Please.Copy !req
302. You're the only one
who can hear me.Copy !req
303. Oh. Then why are you whispering?Copy !req
304. Because you were,
and it sounded fun.Copy !req
305. Do all lizards talk?Copy !req
306. I don't know. I never met them all,
but we never talk to humans.Copy !req
307. - Why are you talking to me?
- Well, I didn't...Copy !req
308. Because I want to. I think you're nice.Copy !req
309. Really? Thanks.Copy !req
310. I don't know if people think I'm nice.
It's so hard to read people at school.Copy !req
311. People say you're nice to be nice,Copy !req
312. and if they say you're nice,
you'll think they're cool—Copy !req
313. I get it.Copy !req
314. You say "I get it" a lot.Copy !req
315. That's 'cause I understand things.
That's all. "I get it." I've been around.Copy !req
316. - Okay. I thought it was something else.
- Like what?Copy !req
317. - That you want me to stop talking.
- Oh. Wow.Copy !req
318. Really? Like, "Wow, that's crazy"?Copy !req
319. No, more like, "Wow,
I didn't think you were that self-aware."Copy !req
320. I can tell. People are too nice
to say I talk too much,Copy !req
321. but I can tell from their faces
that I'm talking too much.Copy !req
322. Like, old people make this face.
And babies kind of look sleepy.Copy !req
323. And the bus driver's face is like,
"Stop." But I can't stop and I...Copy !req
324. Sorry, I'm listening. Please, go ahead.Copy !req
325. I've seen a lot of kids who talk a lot.
They seem—Copy !req
326. Right. This is normal. A bunch of kids—Copy !req
327. I said, "I get it!"Copy !req
328. I know I said "I get it" again. I'm sorry.Copy !req
329. It's just that last one
wasn't even a rhyme, it was a repeat.Copy !req
330. They don't really like—Copy !req
331. Ask a question?Copy !req
332. Wow. It's not like I don't care
about the other kids—Copy !req
333. I know. It's great you're good
at talking about yourself.Copy !req
334. When people share stuff, they feel better.Copy !req
335. So if you get other kids talking
about themselves,Copy !req
336. they'll like being with you.
More than they do already, I mean.Copy !req
337. Five-second rule.Copy !req
338. Well, that was really nice. Thank you.Copy !req
339. Oh, yeah. Glad to do it.Copy !req
340. Hey, remember,
you can't tell anyone, ever.Copy !req
341. Or we won't be able to talk again.Copy !req
342. Okay. So I'm your special, secret friend?
That was a question.Copy !req
343. Uh, yeah. Sure. And good question.Copy !req
344. - Thanks, Leonardo.
- Call me Leo. Less Ninja Turtley.Copy !req
345. Summer. You need to get to bed, sweetie.Copy !req
346. Mom, what's the square root of 91?Copy !req
347. What? Please just get to bed.Copy !req
348. I don't mean just any question.Copy !req
349. Okay. Right. Got it.Copy !req
350. - Find your new seats.Copy !req
351. Oh, back already?
You saw the whole world in one weekend?Copy !req
352. Wow. Hey, how were the Everglades?
How high was the Eiffel Tower?Copy !req
353. - What was the Pope like?
- Could you not do that on my pillow?Copy !req
354. Put those computers away. We will not
be studying our curriculum on toys.Copy !req
355. Russian judge.Copy !req
356. - Slow down. No running.Copy !req
357. - No eating the books!Copy !req
358. Oh, Coach Kimura.Copy !req
359. Oh, I apologize. Let me...
Let me clean that for you.Copy !req
360. There we go.Copy !req
361. This is so unfair. Ugh!
She'll work us till we have no energy.Copy !req
362. Then we'll only get into schools
with drug problems.Copy !req
363. Forget about winning the trip.
This is a nightmare.Copy !req
364. It's worse than when I lost my phone.Copy !req
365. Worse than when my dad wore bike shorts.Copy !req
366. Worse than when I got lost on a plane,
which is hard to do, but really scary.Copy !req
367. Like a horror movie,
though my parents won't let me watch them,Copy !req
368. unless you count the furnace
in Toy Story 3, but that—Copy !req
369. Oh. What should we do about it, Jayda?Copy !req
370. I'm totally telling my parents about it.
My dad has a lot of pull,Copy !req
371. because he gives the teachers
free zit cream,Copy !req
372. but you should tell yours too.Copy !req
373. Why are you talking to Summer?Copy !req
374. - I like her now.
- Uh, I know. I do too.Copy !req
375. - What was that all about?
- She likes me. She thought I was fun.Copy !req
376. You fun? What'd you do,
turn your head more than once?Copy !req
377. Oh, what a showman.Copy !req
378. Get all your mean jokes in now,Copy !req
379. 'cause the next kid
who takes me home is the last kid.Copy !req
380. Sure they are, Mr. Chicken-to-leave.Copy !req
381. Whatever you say, Mr. Wants-to-get-bitten.Copy !req
382. Oh, I'm shaking,
Mr. Almost-as-brave-as-Scooby Doo.Copy !req
383. - Duck, duck, duck, goose!Copy !req
384. Ow! Okay. Okay.
All right! That's not the game. Kids!Copy !req
385. the Stamp Act. Eyes up here!
For those of you who did the reading...Copy !req
386. - Salinas never taught this stuff.
- Yeah. What's a stamp?Copy !req
387. the first tax levied directlyCopy !req
388. on American colonists
by the British Parliament.Copy !req
389. - Skyler, what did I just say?Copy !req
390. Answer! How did the colonists react?Copy !req
391. Demerits!Copy !req
392. You do not want demerits.Copy !req
393. - What's a demerit?
- I think he played for the Clippers.Copy !req
394. You're going to leave 5th grade
with discipline,Copy !req
395. or you are never going to leave 5th grade.Copy !req
396. Eh.Copy !req
397. Who has the discipline
to take a class pet home this weekend?Copy !req
398. I'll do it. I'll take Leo again.Copy !req
399. "Leo"?Copy !req
400. Again? Who would want it twice?Copy !req
401. Not one of you is man enough
for middle school, are you?Copy !req
402. - Ugh. Not now. I'll take the lizard.Copy !req
403. Oh, you'll have so much fun with Leo, Eli.
You think, maybe, I can visit?Copy !req
404. Really? That'd be great.
Zane's coming, but we can all hang—Copy !req
405. You kids having a fun play date?Copy !req
406. Uh...Copy !req
407. Sure.Copy !req
408. Sorry about those chips, Zaney.
Can't be too careful.Copy !req
409. Have a kale cupcake.Copy !req
410. Do I have to wear the safety suit
all weekend?Copy !req
411. Lizards carry disease, honey.Copy !req
412. Kids and dogs are especially vulnerable.Copy !req
413. Um, I think my mom wants to pick me up.Copy !req
414. - Thank you, Julie!
- They had the best time.Copy !req
415. Could you go cut his chicken
into non-chokeable pieces?Copy !req
416. - Hey.Copy !req
417. - Ow!Copy !req
418. - Ha-ha.Copy !req
419. What? It'll grow back.Copy !req
420. You're dressed like a 1950s astronaut
and I'm the weird one?Copy !req
421. Oh, now you're threatening me,
Doodlepoo? Do that—Copy !req
422. - What?Copy !req
423. - What—
- Dinnertime, Eli!Copy !req
424. Eli, now! You need three hours
to digest your food before bed.Copy !req
425. This is totally crazy. You talk?Copy !req
426. Just to you.Copy !req
427. - 'Cause, uh...
- I'm special?Copy !req
428. Uh, yeah, that's right.Copy !req
429. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
430. But you can't tell anyone.
They'll try to kill me like E.T.Copy !req
431. But my parents told me when someone says,
"Don't tell anyone,"Copy !req
432. that's when I have to tell.Copy !req
433. Well, your parents are right,
but that's with strange humans.Copy !req
434. I'm just a strange lizard. Okay?Copy !req
435. - Please don't tell. Especially him.
- The drone?Copy !req
436. No way. You saw what it did
to the Cheetos out there.Copy !req
437. I mean, it's nice that it's loyal.Copy !req
438. Come on. When I was six,
kids thought it was cool.Copy !req
439. - Maybe you should say something about it.
- I don't want to hurt its feelings.Copy !req
440. I know a way.
I've seen kids break up over the years.Copy !req
441. You write down why you're dumping them,Copy !req
442. and it gives the other person time
to soak it in and not snap.Copy !req
443. It's a "Dear Drone" letter.Copy !req
444. Get a pen and paper.Copy !req
445. He's just doing it for show. See?Copy !req
446. He knows he's recyclable.Copy !req
447. Let's just give him some space.Copy !req
448. Nobody's ever gonna like me like he does.Copy !req
449. Kid, they don't even know you.
Now you can finally show your stuff.Copy !req
450. Uh, I don't have any stuff.Copy !req
451. Ah, you just gotta find your gimmick.Copy !req
452. There was a boy in 1998, Mike Djokovic.Copy !req
453. He memorized all the words
to "Walkin' on the Sun."Copy !req
454. Smash Mouth? No?
Look, it's got a lot of words.Copy !req
455. The point is,
plenty of kids have a gimmick.Copy !req
456. It's okay. I got a few.Copy !req
457. - Uh, get me a caterpillar.
- For real?Copy !req
458. Trust me.Copy !req
459. Oh, that's perfect.Copy !req
460. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
461. - So gross!Copy !req
462. Wait.Copy !req
463. - What the—Copy !req
464. Here, let me show you something.Copy !req
465. Eli, where's your safety suit?Copy !req
466. Try doing this.Copy !req
467. - Very good.Copy !req
468. Fore!Copy !req
469. - You nailed that thing.
- What was it? A possum?Copy !req
470. I don't know,
but you hit it in the jellybeans.Copy !req
471. Wanna quit and go home?
Can't top that.Copy !req
472. Not everyone's invited.Copy !req
473. Yes, I'm back.Copy !req
474. Where's your tail?
You escaping one limb at a time?Copy !req
475. Just give me some space.
I got hit in the jellybeans.Copy !req
476. I forgot that was there.Copy !req
477. Salinas was teacher of the year!
That substitute lady's unacceptable.Copy !req
478. Do the skin cream samples I give out
mean nothing to you people?Copy !req
479. How do I get that horrible woman replaced?Copy !req
480. Dr. Wenger, please.
She's sitting right here.Copy !req
481. - So?
- Jay, it's not polite.Copy !req
482. Fine.Copy !req
483. May I speak about you
as if you're not here?Copy !req
484. Listen, my kid was on track
to get into Westlake next year,Copy !req
485. Langley Prep in three years,
Dartmouth in seven years,Copy !req
486. then a moderately happy marriage
in 14 years.Copy !req
487. I paid for that smart board
and this light switch.Copy !req
488. If I'm letting you keep this animal
as her teacher,Copy !req
489. you're gonna do something
for me to fix this.Copy !req
490. Four seconds. Three, two, one.Copy !req
491. Pencils down.Copy !req
492. Except Jayda,Copy !req
493. who will now be getting two more minutesCopy !req
494. due to her permanent jet lag.Copy !req
495. - Quiet. No discussion.Copy !req
496. Now, one of you
has to take home a class pet.Copy !req
497. Volunteer or be assigned.Copy !req
498. I'll take Leo again.Copy !req
499. - What is the deal? Leo? Again?
- You can't take a pet twice, right?Copy !req
500. Because I would—
I mean, why do you want him again?Copy !req
501. Um, 'cause he was awesome.Copy !req
502. - Why do you want him?
- Uh, same reason. Awesome.Copy !req
503. Wait. If it's awesome, I want it.Copy !req
504. It's supposed to say, "Dr. Skin,"Copy !req
505. not "Dr. Skid."Copy !req
506. S-K-I-N. No D's.Copy !req
507. - Jayda, I dyed the cat green.Copy !req
508. So unoriginal.Copy !req
509. Isn't that great, what I got for you?Copy !req
510. - Drake's coming to my party?
- Eh, I'm still on it.Copy !req
511. I meant the pop quiz,
the two more minutes.Copy !req
512. - Who takes care of you?
- What did Daddy do?Copy !req
513. Well, Benji, Jayda's substitute teacher
is a horror show...Copy !req
514. Making the kids read big books.Copy !req
515. No!Copy !req
516. So Daddy got Jayda something
no other kid gets.Copy !req
517. What, Daddy?Copy !req
518. Should we put the lizard in my room?
The birthday party's coming up—Copy !req
519. Ugh. It's like the worst day of my life.
Nobody's focusing on my party.Copy !req
520. It's going to totally suck,
and the other kids will be happy about it.Copy !req
521. What? Why would they be happy?Copy !req
522. Because they're all jealous.
Wait. What? Who said that?Copy !req
523. That was me.Copy !req
524. - Oh my God! You talk?
- No, it's not safe.Copy !req
525. - You're the only one who can hear me.
- So awesome! We have a talking lizard!Copy !req
526. - I can only talk to you!
- Oh my God! Daddy!Copy !req
527. Uh, sure.Copy !req
528. That makes sense.
But can you do tricks at the party?Copy !req
529. Can you rap
and play the piano with your tongue?Copy !req
530. Nah, this is just between us.
I'm talking to you to give advice.Copy !req
531. - I don't need advice. I'm awesome.
- Nah, you're miserable.Copy !req
532. Wait, what?Copy !req
533. Just like Emma Lawrence in '03,
Nina Myers in '55,Copy !req
534. all pretty, all rich, all bright.Copy !req
535. - So?
- Not done.Copy !req
536. All snotty, all secretly hated.Copy !req
537. - People were jealous.
- Not of the snottiness.Copy !req
538. Look, people don't realize
the pressure someone like me is under.Copy !req
539. My family is so amazing,
so I have a lot more to live up to.Copy !req
540. I have to get into the best middle school
and have the best partyCopy !req
541. and, yeah, only the best people around me.Copy !req
542. No, you don't.Copy !req
543. Ugh, you don't get
what being awesome's like.Copy !req
544. But you're not.Copy !req
545. I'm what?Copy !req
546. Brace yourself.Copy !req
547. A middleweight?Copy !req
548. Great?Copy !req
549. You're great, but no one's that great.Copy !req
550. We're all just people and lizards.Copy !req
551. There you go.Copy !req
552. - Bravo.Copy !req
553. - Thank you. Great job, guys.
- Thanks.Copy !req
554. - Honey, maybe you wanna tip them?
- What? The watches?Copy !req
555. - Guys, you want some water? Anybody?
- No, that's okay.Copy !req
556. - Okay. Well, thank you.
- Yep. Thanks, Mr. Skin.Copy !req
557. - It's "doctor."Dr. Skin."
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
558. Mom, Dad, do we have any more invitations?Copy !req
559. More? I thought we excluded
everyone you wanted.Copy !req
560. Yeah, but we made a bigger list.Copy !req
561. - Hi, guys. I'm so glad you came.
- Thanks for inviting us.Copy !req
562. Of course. How are you?Copy !req
563. Uh, wait. I know this one. We're fine.Copy !req
564. - That thing sounded like Cole.Copy !req
565. - Wow. Zane is funny now?Copy !req
566. Zane was always funny.Copy !req
567. Like in 2nd grade,Copy !req
568. when he told Mrs. Lemos
that Superman came from planet Crouton?Copy !req
569. - Hey. You kids try the bubble guy yet?
- Dad, we'll get to the bubbles.Copy !req
570. This guy's next level.
He makes bubble animals.Copy !req
571. Here you go. Next.
You're not holding it right!Copy !req
572. Jayda burgers. Jayda taters.Copy !req
573. Jayda vegetables.Copy !req
574. Please don't do this.Copy !req
575. - What're you looking at, boss?Copy !req
576. Got a problem with compact legs?Copy !req
577. What?Copy !req
578. You think you got it so great out there?
What do you do in the box?Copy !req
579. Uh, I molt.Copy !req
580. Occasional blinking.Copy !req
581. All right. I'm sorry, brother.
We're fighting the same fight.Copy !req
582. I mean, the only fun I've ever had
was biting some of that guy's fingers off.Copy !req
583. I've asked you five times
to jump through this hoop.Copy !req
584. I'm just, uh... I'm getting old, you know?Copy !req
585. Ever feel like time's running out,
and this is all we're ever gonna know?Copy !req
586. Were you just talking to that horse?
Is he having a good time?Copy !req
587. I gotta tell you,Copy !req
588. the truth is,
no animal wants to be locked inside—Copy !req
589. Hey, Jayda. Hey, Leo.
I can't believe how much cool...Copy !req
590. Uh, I mean, hey, just Jayda,
are you having a good time?Copy !req
591. Thanks for asking me.
My parents never ask.Copy !req
592. They just assume I'm having a good time,Copy !req
593. 'cause they still don't realize
they aren't that great.Copy !req
594. - What would make you have a better time?
- Good question.Copy !req
595. - Okay. Standard magnetic lock.
- Circuits are cross-current.Copy !req
596. - Jumper cables. Balloon.
- Right here.Copy !req
597. - This is so fun!Copy !req
598. I specifically said
"no mayhem!"Copy !req
599. - Thanks, PJ.
- Uh, TJ.Copy !req
600. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's cool. Jacked about the eye contact.Copy !req
601. Stop that stopwatch. He's got my wallet.Copy !req
602. You made it happen, boss.
Greatest day ever.Copy !req
603. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Leo! Where's Leo?Copy !req
604. - Did someone take him?
- Please, somebody find him. Leo!Copy !req
605. Leo! Leo! Leo!Copy !req
606. - You're not holding it right!Copy !req
607. - Leo! Leo!
- Where is he?Copy !req
608. - Leo!Copy !req
609. Leo!Copy !req
610. You guys are really into that lizard.Copy !req
611. He's just awesome.Copy !req
612. - Cheese!Copy !req
613. - I had so much fun at the party.
- Did you get a bubble animal?Copy !req
614. Camel went on the waterslide.Copy !req
615. - Again? Whatever happened to zipping?
- Oh, you'll know when I zip.Copy !req
616. I'll be in the Everglades
dining on maggotsCopy !req
617. you can only dream about.Copy !req
618. - You were fun, Leo. I'll miss you.Copy !req
619. If Santa Claus has 39 elvesCopy !req
620. making 1,981 toys an hour...Copy !req
621. Freezing here.
How about giving a guy some shell?Copy !req
622. Wait. Ho, ho, Mr. Popular,
now you wanna come in here with me?Copy !req
623. It's 65 degrees.Copy !req
624. These Central Florida winters are brutal.Copy !req
625. Just a couple of minutes.Copy !req
626. Hey, hey! At least buy me dinner first.Copy !req
627. Wait.
Are those my baseball cards?Copy !req
628. Call me.Copy !req
629. - You're talking to them.Copy !req
630. - That's why you keep coming back.
- What? No.Copy !req
631. Just a little bit.Copy !req
632. No, no, no, no. There is no little bit.
We don't talk to them.Copy !req
633. These kids are all benefiting
from my insights before I drop dead.Copy !req
634. - Okay, so it's about your ego.
- That's not what this is.Copy !req
635. It's about sharing my 74 years of wisdom
to help these kids with their issues.Copy !req
636. Whether it's breaking up with the drone
or having hand-me-down pants.Copy !req
637. Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.Copy !req
638. I had to wear my sister's shell
till I was 16.Copy !req
639. I made a huge difference with that TJ kid.Copy !req
640. What? I don't understand. That's normal.Copy !req
641. First one? Usually, it's in the front,
but very nice. You're growing up.Copy !req
642. No, no, no. It's my dad.Copy !req
643. What's so funny?
I told him that Dave Connaire,Copy !req
644. in 1974, all of a sudden, grew a nose
the size of a Buick just like his dad's.Copy !req
645. And everybody still loved him,
'cause he was a cool kid, like you.Copy !req
646. And the next week,
Cole's problem was even tougher.Copy !req
647. You won't do sleepovers,
'cause you say things in your sleep?Copy !req
648. Well, if I'm not gonna tell anyone
about you talking to me,Copy !req
649. do you promise not to tell anyone?Copy !req
650. - Yeah. Of course.Copy !req
651. This isn't my real voice.Copy !req
652. I really talk like this.
I can't let them know. I sound ridiculous.Copy !req
653. This is priceless.Copy !req
654. Well, I fixed it. I told him...Copy !req
655. - You sound like a young Bee Gee.
- A what?Copy !req
656. How 'bout The Weeknd? Know him?Copy !req
657. Yeah, like that.Copy !req
658. Last week,
he sang at the winter recital,Copy !req
659. and I heard they went nuts.Copy !req
660. Nice job, Ms. Malkin.Copy !req
661. I'm sorry, was that praise?Copy !req
662. Keep it up,
and we may see more of you here.Copy !req
663. - The class did great.
- Did they win?Copy !req
664. Nah, kindergarten always wins.
Way too cute.Copy !req
665. And you should've seen me
last week with Mia.Copy !req
666. You mean Huggy?
The human cling wrap?Copy !req
667. Excuse me. She has a name.Copy !req
668. As you know,
her parents were recently divorced.Copy !req
669. Only two hours late today.
Very considerate.Copy !req
670. Are you letting him cut his own hair now?Copy !req
671. You can't watch the kids next weekend,
so me and Aurora can haveCopy !req
672. Valentine's Day together?
I'm asking you one favor!Copy !req
673. - You don't have any plans. Because I know.Copy !req
674. I'm sorry, but lizards do not talk.Copy !req
675. Parrots, macaws, songbirds,
and certain killer whales.Copy !req
676. Don't believe everything
you read on the Internet.Copy !req
677. Why would you only talk to me?Copy !req
678. 'Cause you're nice. You're great
at school, answering all the questions.Copy !req
679. - I love to learn things.
- You're a lot quieter around your family.Copy !req
680. Don't you ever wanna let 'em see
how big that brain of yours is?Copy !req
681. My brother and sister think I'm weird.Copy !req
682. Really?Copy !req
683. - You just looked like my grandpa.
- Yeah? Is that a good thing?Copy !req
684. Uh-huh.Copy !req
685. My grandpa used to talk to me.Copy !req
686. He really liked science,
and he would ask me questions,Copy !req
687. even if he knew the answer.Copy !req
688. What? He sounds like a great guy.Copy !req
689. He was my best friend.Copy !req
690. Oh, no, no, no, no.
I didn't mean to get that going.Copy !req
691. Please, kid, I hate that.Copy !req
692. - I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no. Don't be sorry.Copy !req
693. Just stop. I... I can't handle it.Copy !req
694. But my mom says it's good to cry.Copy !req
695. Not where I come from.
Here. Let me calm you down.Copy !req
696. I'll sing you a lullaby,
and you'll go to sleep.Copy !req
697. Whoa. You scared me.Copy !req
698. You're just doing
what my grandpa did,Copy !req
699. pretending not to know something,
so I can tell you what's right.Copy !req
700. Here. Scientific research has establishedCopy !req
701. that crying releases
oxytocin and endorphins.Copy !req
702. These feel-good chemicals help ease
both physical and emotional pain.Copy !req
703. I didn't know how to help her,
so I just listened. And that helped.Copy !req
704. Wow. So you got this E.T. scam going.Copy !req
705. Got every kid thinking he's Elliott?
This will end badly.Copy !req
706. All I know is these kids'll remember me.Copy !req
707. Did you hear about
Hammy #3's funeral last week?Copy !req
708. - Hammy #3 died? Didn't know that.
- Exactly.Copy !req
709. They say the funeral was a snooze.
No one had anything to say.Copy !req
710. I liked that white spot over his ear.Copy !req
711. I liked the way he breathed.Copy !req
712. He gave me pinkeye.Copy !req
713. My funeral is gonna be packed
with fond remembrances and anecdotes.Copy !req
714. Yeah, good for you
and your last week's vocabulary words.Copy !req
715. And, buddy, that funeral
could come sooner than you think.Copy !req
716. - Me! Me!
- My turn with the Geico thing!Copy !req
717. Have fun, Anthony! Leo's awesome!Copy !req
718. These things heads grow back too?
Or just their tails? I'll figure it out.Copy !req
719. Oh, no. Call my next of kin.
This is how I want to divide my estate.Copy !req
720. Help me!Copy !req
721. - What?
- I got your back.Copy !req
722. - I couldn't let you do this one alone.
- What are you gonna do?Copy !req
723. You lay back. It's harder to hurt me.
I got the shell.Copy !req
724. What about giving advice?Copy !req
725. Oh, like I don't know anything?
I can do what you do.Copy !req
726. - Mm.Copy !req
727. That was an incredible move!
What strategy!Copy !req
728. - Hey!
- ... starting to let his...Copy !req
729. Go straight to his head.Copy !req
730. Hey, over here.Copy !req
731. - What?
- Ah!Copy !req
732. - Oh, come on!
- Forget that. I talk.Copy !req
733. Oh my God. Grandma!Copy !req
734. No, no, no. Stop, stop.
Can't do that or we'll all die.Copy !req
735. - What? Why?
- I don't know. I... I'm telling you.Copy !req
736. - You... You'll die. Just shut up. Calm down.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
737. Fix your phone later.
I'm a talking turtle. I picked you 'cause...Copy !req
738. "I like your style."Copy !req
739. - Take it down a notch.
- I got this. Now, tell me your problems.Copy !req
740. - What?
- I... I can fix your problems. I... I... I...Copy !req
741. I seen a lot of things
in that 5th grade room,Copy !req
742. and I can help. So come on.Copy !req
743. I don't have any problems.
Other than I broke my phone.Copy !req
744. Ah-ha. Bully. I get it.Copy !req
745. Come on. You're insecure, right?
Every class bully is.Copy !req
746. No. I don't know.Copy !req
747. You're sad, you got something
tearing you up inside.Copy !req
748. Just say it. I'm a talking turtle.
I can't tell anyone else.Copy !req
749. Of course I'm a bully.
I don't know what else to do.Copy !req
750. - I'm just different. I'm not smart.
- Nah. Everyone's smart in some way.Copy !req
751. You're just afraid of trying
and looking not smart. That's textbook.Copy !req
752. - What's a textbook?
- You know what? Never mind.Copy !req
753. - I'm different in other ways too.
- There you go. Come on. Out with it.Copy !req
754. - You won't say anything?
- No. What is it? What's the sadness?Copy !req
755. I don't know how babies are made.Copy !req
756. Perfect. That's very class bully.Copy !req
757. Tough on the outside,Copy !req
758. a self-hating pile
of cottage cheese on the inside.Copy !req
759. - Can you just tell me?
- Oh. About babies? Sure. Here we go.Copy !req
760. First, the daddy climbs
on the mommy's back while she's swimming.Copy !req
761. He reaches under the mommy
to find her cloaca.Copy !req
762. This goes on for about 24 hours.Copy !req
763. Then the mommy comes ashore, makes a nest,
and deposits eggs in the sand.Copy !req
764. My mom made eggs in the sand?Copy !req
765. Yes. So the fish don't eat 'em.Copy !req
766. I crushed it.
Totally fixed the kid's problem.Copy !req
767. The taping me up,
maybe it's 'cause he wants to keep me.Copy !req
768. - Stop!Copy !req
769. You miss your friends
from being held back.Copy !req
770. Worried about being behind?Copy !req
771. This is a tough time,
but these are the best years. Believe me.Copy !req
772. Enjoy not knowing everything.Copy !req
773. Enjoy being a kid. You're a good one.Copy !req
774. Do you miss being a kid?Copy !req
775. I'm just glad I'm still here.Copy !req
776. Okay, every one of you
has had a weekend with Leo here.Copy !req
777. So from here on, you'll be taking home...
What's the turtle's name again?Copy !req
778. Squirtle. My name is Squirtle.Copy !req
779. I think it's Squirtle.Copy !req
780. Squirtle sucks.Copy !req
781. I beg your pardon? Why?Copy !req
782. I don't know. He just sucks.Copy !req
783. - I like Leo, though. He's nice.
- The best.Copy !req
784. - Yeah! Come on...
- Leo's better than that turtle.Copy !req
785. Oh, stop that noise. Stop it!
What is so special about this reptile?Copy !req
786. I like his skin.Copy !req
787. His skin is like my grandma's elbows.Copy !req
788. Uh, same.Copy !req
789. - Same.
- Same.Copy !req
790. - Elbows.
- Same.Copy !req
791. All right. If you all so desperately want
to take home that lizard again,Copy !req
792. you'll just have to earn it.Copy !req
793. - I wanna get picked!Copy !req
794. We'll do our homework
and promise to bring it in.Copy !req
795. You will all make my class
a model of excellence,Copy !req
796. and even win that Academicathalon,
or it's the turtle for all of you.Copy !req
797. Yes! Thank you so much.Copy !req
798. Was this your dying wish?
To turn a bunch of brats against me?Copy !req
799. It's not about us. It's about the kids.Copy !req
800. They're motivated.Copy !req
801. They're gonna finish the year strong.Copy !req
802. Yes!Copy !req
803. Yeah, Louis Pasteur is the father
of microbiology.Copy !req
804. He discovered that dangerous
microorganisms could grow in open water.Copy !req
805. - Wow! Well, now, that's impressive.Copy !req
806. Class 5-C, you're one step away
from going to Magic Land Park!Copy !req
807. - How great a job has our teacher done?Copy !req
808. - Bravo, Ms. Malkin.Copy !req
809. I know a lot of parents weren't happy
when I first brought you in,Copy !req
810. due to your rep as a miserable person.Copy !req
811. But if you win
the History Fair on Saturday, we'll—Copy !req
812. You'll prove all the doubters wrong.Copy !req
813. Well, Principal Spahn, in the classroom,
sometimes the old ways are the best ways.Copy !req
814. - I can't believe it.Copy !req
815. Back to your posts. No five-highing.Copy !req
816. - Oh, that pic is fire.
- [Skyler, on phone] Thank you.Copy !req
817. Hey, what is the deal? I've been waiting
for your next Jenga move for 30 minutes.Copy !req
818. Now did you make the costume
or did your mom?Copy !req
819. Tell the truth.
You know I won't tell anyone.Copy !req
820. - I only talk to you.Copy !req
821. - What?
- Is that another phone?Copy !req
822. Uh, I don't know.
Uh, must be on Malkin's desk or something.Copy !req
823. - Oh.Copy !req
824. - Hello?
- Come on.Copy !req
825. - Leo, where'd you go?Copy !req
826. I... I'll be right there.Copy !req
827. - Leo?Copy !req
828. - Hello?
- Hey, pal, toss it here. I'll handle it.Copy !req
829. - Can you hear me?Copy !req
830. - Leo?Copy !req
831. Yeah, I think Malkin
must have an extra phone.Copy !req
832. Anywho, what did Summer say?Copy !req
833. Oh my God,
you can't all play Jackie Kennedy.Copy !req
834. And, like,
we so wanna slay this History Fair.Copy !req
835. I know. That Magic Land Park trip
would be awesome.Copy !req
836. Hey, you're awesome
because you tried your best.Copy !req
837. That's why I'm your special friend?Copy !req
838. Yeah.Copy !req
839. - You talk to Skyler too?Copy !req
840. I... I just... Only because she—Copy !req
841. That's Summer's phone in there,
right behind yours.Copy !req
842. - You happy now? For ruining this?
- I don't know what happened.Copy !req
843. I... I must've butt-dialed ya.
I mean, butt-shot ya.Copy !req
844. You don't even have a butt.Copy !req
845. How dare you?Copy !req
846. - You talk to all of us?
- You said I was the only one.Copy !req
847. You said I was the only one.Copy !req
848. - I thought I was special.
- You're all special. I—Copy !req
849. - I'm sorry! I just...Copy !req
850. Seeing you guys getting along
and doing great in class,Copy !req
851. it felt like
I was actually making a difference.Copy !req
852. You did. This year would've been
a nightmare without you helping me.Copy !req
853. Ms. Malkin's so mean.
Talking to you made the class bearable.Copy !req
854. - I was just worried if you all knew...Copy !req
855. other people would find out.Copy !req
856. You told me not to tell anyone,
and I didn't.Copy !req
857. - Nobody did. Because we can keep a secret.
- Yeah.Copy !req
858. What, did you tell everyone
I shave my unibrow?Copy !req
859. Because I don't.Copy !req
860. Hey, the only one he told
about your unibrow,Copy !req
861. or that you still eat your boogers,
was me.Copy !req
862. - And I barely chuckled.
- What?Copy !req
863. I'm leaving.Copy !req
864. I tried.Copy !req
865. Wait, it's Friday.Copy !req
866. Aren't you gonna take me home?Copy !req
867. Summer, it's your turn.Copy !req
868. Please, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
869. How can we trust you now?
That was a question.Copy !req
870. All right, what's everyone doing here?Copy !req
871. Oh, you're leaving.
Good. Take the whole day off.Copy !req
872. You need to rest up
for the history fair tomorrow. Go home.Copy !req
873. Go. Shoo. Come on, out you go.Copy !req
874. You and I have a lot to talk about.Copy !req
875. I don't understand.Copy !req
876. I... I know I lied to the kids.
What did I do to you?Copy !req
877. Excuse me, talking to my students
behind my back? Advising them?Copy !req
878. Okay. I feel terrible,
but I was just trying to—Copy !req
879. Undermine my methods!Copy !req
880. Cheat me out of feeling
any satisfaction from their success.Copy !req
881. What? They learned everything you wanted.
Why wouldn't that make you happy?Copy !req
882. Don't think you can analyze me.
I'm an adult.Copy !req
883. Not a shrieking brat who thinks
reading Canterbury Tales is torture.Copy !req
884. It's not torture?Copy !req
885. Quiet!Copy !req
886. Asking me to be happy
when I have nothing but these four walls.Copy !req
887. - What about your family?
- Excuse me, do you see any family?Copy !req
888. Oh. Uh, not unless you're related
to the gym coach.Copy !req
889. - Those pictures are none of your business.
- Gotcha. Never saw 'em.Copy !req
890. I put my whole life into teaching
just to be a mere substitute.Copy !req
891. Never had my own class,
never got any respect.Copy !req
892. Look, I also had dreams
that never happened.Copy !req
893. Like seeing the Everglades,
or spreading Salmonella.Copy !req
894. But this year,
I fell into something even better.Copy !req
895. I really clicked with these kids.Copy !req
896. Uh, maybe it helped, just a little,
that you're a talking animal?Copy !req
897. Yeah, but also, maybe it's you.Copy !req
898. 'Cause I've seen subs come
through this school that kids love.Copy !req
899. A fine teacher.Copy !req
900. Wait, you were a student here?Copy !req
901. You don't remember me?
I was a lot different.Copy !req
902. I was...Copy !req
903. Oh, wow. Yeah.Copy !req
904. You were very sweet.Copy !req
905. I was adorable. And she...Copy !req
906. Yes, she did.Copy !req
907. She made me feel like I could do anything.Copy !req
908. And tell me, do you think she was...Copy !req
909. She made you her family.Copy !req
910. That's what great teachers do.
Even substitutes.Copy !req
911. With the little time they have,
they try to make a difference.Copy !req
912. And that's what keeps them happy.Copy !req
913. - Well, that felt wonderful.
- I know you got it in you.Copy !req
914. You're gonna get those kids
first place tomorrow.Copy !req
915. - Oh, you're coming with me.
- No, please. They're mad.Copy !req
916. Let... Let them focus on winning.Copy !req
917. Well, I'm still taking you.Copy !req
918. After they win,Copy !req
919. we'll make sure they appreciate
all you were doing for them.Copy !req
920. You know what? You are special.Copy !req
921. I couldn't sleep last night.Copy !req
922. I couldn't stop thinking
about what Leo did to us.Copy !req
923. Let's just not talk about Leo.
We're done with Leo.Copy !req
924. We're ready.
We can win this thing ourselves.Copy !req
925. - Good morning, my dear students.Copy !req
926. - They look confident.
- You sounded nice. Real warm.Copy !req
927. Thank you.
I'll keep you posted when I can.Copy !req
928. I'm Betsy Ross.Copy !req
929. I designed the first American Flag
in 1776.Copy !req
930. But I didn't just say
what I thought the flag should look like,Copy !req
931. I listened to others
to see what they thought.Copy !req
932. The result was
the superior design we have today,Copy !req
933. and also, people liking me more.Copy !req
934. I'm Susan B. Anthony.Copy !req
935. I played a pivotal role
in the women's suffrage movementCopy !req
936. in the 19th century.Copy !req
937. But I'm not that special or great.
And neither is my family.Copy !req
938. So I can relate to average women
who couldn't vote until 1920.Copy !req
939. I'm Winston Churchill.
"We shall fight on the beaches."Copy !req
940. "We shall fight them
in the fields and in the streets."Copy !req
941. "We shall never surrender,Copy !req
942. but we shall let them down easy,
with a nice letter."Copy !req
943. - "So they don't lose their minds."
- This is wonderful.Copy !req
944. You've taught them life lessons.Copy !req
945. I... I can't hear anything.
Can you open your pocket?Copy !req
946. They burned me, Joan of Arc,
at the stake, but I am not afraid.Copy !req
947. Boo-freaking-hoo! Everyone's got problems.Copy !req
948. I talked about it to a friend
and felt a lot better.Copy !req
949. Aw, I think that friend is you.Copy !req
950. Malkin's Marvels,
you're going to Magic Land Park!Copy !req
951. - Congratulations, class!Copy !req
952. Yeah!Copy !req
953. And to the first substitute
to ever win Teacher of the Year!Copy !req
954. You'll be chaperoned
by Ms. Malkin and Coach Kimura.Copy !req
955. - Oh...Copy !req
956. Is it over? We win? When do I come out?Copy !req
957. What's happening?Copy !req
958. Ms. Malkin, can we go see Leo?Copy !req
959. - Honey, it's about to rain.
- We can't go to our class for one second?Copy !req
960. You know what the rain does
to my extensions.Copy !req
961. I gotta say, I thought you were
some kind of a twisted animal.Copy !req
962. A rabid, bitter bag
of mothballs foaming at the mouth.Copy !req
963. But I've never seen my Jayda speak
like that. It's like she's, uh, nice?Copy !req
964. That's our Ms. Malkin!Copy !req
965. You really got to know our kids.Copy !req
966. - What a special lady.
- Get this woman a full-time job next year.Copy !req
967. Oh,
I think we can arrange that.Copy !req
968. She's helped Summer make friends.Copy !req
969. Cole's proud of his voice,
thanks to you.Copy !req
970. - How'd you do it?
- Well... You know...Copy !req
971. That's, um... my stomach. I... I better go.Copy !req
972. - She's not gonna make it.Copy !req
973. What happened? I couldn't hear nothing.Copy !req
974. Did we win?
I thought I was gonna see the kids.Copy !req
975. We're going somewhere very special.Copy !req
976. We're all going to celebrate?Copy !req
977. What, a pizza party?Copy !req
978. Wow, this pizza's out in the boonies.Copy !req
979. What's goin' on?
You're leaving me here?Copy !req
980. What about the kids?Copy !req
981. They lost. The class
embarrassed themselves and blamed you.Copy !req
982. What? What was all that cheering?Copy !req
983. That was for the other class. I'm sorry.Copy !req
984. What did I do? I've never felt so bad.Copy !req
985. Don't say that.
You said the Everglades was your dream.Copy !req
986. Now you can live it out, with no chance
of ever running into the children.Copy !req
987. Or their parents.
Or the principal. Or the media.Copy !req
988. I said it was my dream.Copy !req
989. - The kids are what I—Copy !req
990. - What?
- Where is he?Copy !req
991. - Is he hiding?
- He's not hiding.Copy !req
992. He was here.Copy !req
993. - You seen him?
- What happened?Copy !req
994. What a shame. He must've run away.Copy !req
995. - He left us?
- Oh, look.Copy !req
996. There seems to be some kind of note.Copy !req
997. - Leo could write?
- Of course. He could talk.Copy !req
998. Oh! He talked to you people too?
Oh, I thought I was special.Copy !req
999. "Dear class."Copy !req
1000. "I've greatly enjoyed my time
with you this year,Copy !req
1001. but I wish to move on
and finally see the world."Copy !req
1002. "I realize I broke your trust,
and that can't be fixed."Copy !req
1003. "But if you would be so kind,Copy !req
1004. please keep our conversations secret,
so that I'm not harassed,Copy !req
1005. like E.T. or The Iron Giant, or Splash,Copy !req
1006. or the classic, The Shape of Water."Copy !req
1007. "Simply attribute your success
to Ms. Malkin,Copy !req
1008. whose integrity is beyond reproach."Copy !req
1009. "Best Regards, Leo."Copy !req
1010. Well, let's try and be happy for Leo.
He's doing what he wanted most.Copy !req
1011. But we never even got to thank him.Copy !req
1012. That's life, gang.
Life gets more difficult the older we get.Copy !req
1013. It's called growing up.Copy !req
1014. Okay, everybody.
Be careful on the Dragon Coaster.Copy !req
1015. Wipe the chair and the safety bar.Copy !req
1016. Doesn't matter what the teacher says,
you call us every half hour.Copy !req
1017. - And don't lick anything.Copy !req
1018. They tried to put the shift on Kabir
when he was up, but guess what?Copy !req
1019. - He can hit to right field too.
- Oh!Copy !req
1020. That is something.Copy !req
1021. - What do you think Leo's doing right now?
- I have no idea.Copy !req
1022. Sure, kids, why flip over
the musty old turtle before you leave?Copy !req
1023. Even though he knows the truth?
But no, everyone's gone!Copy !req
1024. Everyone but me and that pathetic...Copy !req
1025. Wait.
Where's the allergy kid's phone? Ah.Copy !req
1026. Ha.Copy !req
1027. Here we go.Copy !req
1028. There's no time for lettuce. Flip me!Copy !req
1029. Okay, we gotta move!Copy !req
1030. Follow those brats!Copy !req
1031. - Hey.Copy !req
1032. Shake it off, man.
You're freaking everyone out.Copy !req
1033. Okay, let's hit it.Copy !req
1034. Ouch.Copy !req
1035. - This is our last field trip together.Copy !req
1036. Why does it feel like our worst?Copy !req
1037. - What?Copy !req
1038. - What is going on back here?
- She did it!Copy !req
1039. - Excuse me?
- I saw it. I saw the whole thing.Copy !req
1040. She took him out of the terrarium
after you guys left that day.Copy !req
1041. She took him,
and I wanted to say something,Copy !req
1042. but her and her vacuum,Copy !req
1043. they gave me the stink eye,
and I slipped on, uh, somebody else's pee,Copy !req
1044. and I flipped on my back,
and this whole thing is my faultCopy !req
1045. 'cause I got jealous of my best friend
instead of being happy for him.Copy !req
1046. I used the camera phone to bust him,
but now I gotta bust you, Demeritface!Copy !req
1047. He's lying! This turtle can't be trusted.
He turned on Leo.Copy !req
1048. Come on. You all know Leo's
the reason you got this stupid trip.Copy !req
1049. He helped you
with your weird kid problems.Copy !req
1050. That's why you won.Copy !req
1051. He wanted to do something meaningful
with the rest of his pathetic time,Copy !req
1052. and he did it.Copy !req
1053. Why did you say, "The rest of his time"?Copy !req
1054. - He's dying!
- What?Copy !req
1055. He's gonna be 75.
That's lights out for lizards.Copy !req
1056. - Oh, no!
- He's dying?Copy !req
1057. But does Demeritface care? No!Copy !req
1058. All Demeritface wants is all the credit!Copy !req
1059. Another lie!Copy !req
1060. Then where is he, Ms. Misery?Copy !req
1061. Where's my best friend,
Demeritface? Where is he?Copy !req
1062. - Out with it, Demeritface!
- Where is he, Demeritface?Copy !req
1063. - What did you do with him?
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it now!Copy !req
1064. I took him, and I drove him away.Copy !req
1065. - That's crazy! Seriously?
- I can't believe you!Copy !req
1066. He's right, I wanted the credit.Copy !req
1067. I thought it would make me...Copy !req
1068. - He's gonna die thinking we're mad at him.
- Where did you take him?Copy !req
1069. The Everglades.Copy !req
1070. You sent him to the Glades?
That's a terrible neighborhood!Copy !req
1071. - Those crazy animals will rip him apart!
- Ms. Malkin, please help us find him.Copy !req
1072. We can't not see him again.Copy !req
1073. Hey there.Copy !req
1074. We need to change course.
We're going to the Everglades.Copy !req
1075. What? We're going to Magic Land Park!Copy !req
1076. That's what the parents expect,
and that's where we're goin'.Copy !req
1077. Oh my, our first fight.Copy !req
1078. Thank you. I'm fine.Copy !req
1079. Children, we're going to Magic Land Park.Copy !req
1080. Thanks, but a little too murky for me.
How... How close are we to a drip tube?Copy !req
1081. Seriously, the microorganisms
will kill you.Copy !req
1082. - A kid told me that.Copy !req
1083. You guys never heard of Louis Pasteur?Copy !req
1084. What the...Copy !req
1085. - Someone help me out here.
- Boss, is that you?Copy !req
1086. Wha— What?Copy !req
1087. Hey, that's the guy!
The guy who set us free at that party.Copy !req
1088. - That's the guy?Copy !req
1089. - That's the guy.Copy !req
1090. I don't know what Grandma's thinking.
We'll save him on our own, let's go.Copy !req
1091. - Get this guy some algae.Copy !req
1092. - And some of you.Copy !req
1093. Boss, you're gonna love it here.
No trainers telling you what to do,Copy !req
1094. no bratty kids joking
about your compact legs.Copy !req
1095. But I miss those kids.Copy !req
1096. What?Copy !req
1097. They're not bratty.
You just gotta get to know them.Copy !req
1098. Like this one kid whose father's back
had a gorilla situation.Copy !req
1099. I got this. You go back to the kids.Copy !req
1100. Hey, anybody see a buddy of mine?Copy !req
1101. He's green with bumps,
got a tail, wicked ugly.Copy !req
1102. Okay, moving on.Copy !req
1103. - We're here, y'all!
- Yes!Copy !req
1104. - And I'm hungry.Copy !req
1105. - Let's do this.
- Hi, welcome to Magic Land Park.Copy !req
1106. - Okay. Let me get—
- A Cotton Dragon!Copy !req
1107. - A Wizard Puffs, please?
- Me too!Copy !req
1108. - I'll take a Unicorn Balls.
- Huh?Copy !req
1109. They're jawbreakers. Please?Copy !req
1110. Okay, gang.
You getting all of this?Copy !req
1111. Oh, and I need one Fireblower hat.Copy !req
1112. Okie doke. Now we're ready,
am I right, kids?Copy !req
1113. Are you kidding me? Hey!Copy !req
1114. - Go! Run fast!
- Come on. Move it!Copy !req
1115. - Come on!Copy !req
1116. - Oh my God!Copy !req
1117. - Come on, Ms. Malkin. Hurry up.
- Faster!Copy !req
1118. Just go. Go without me!Copy !req
1119. - But you have to drive us!Copy !req
1120. - Come on!Copy !req
1121. - Come on, Ms. Malkin!Copy !req
1122. Huh?Copy !req
1123. The Purell!Copy !req
1124. Whoever did this will pay!
Help!Copy !req
1125. - He's coming!Copy !req
1126. - We have to get out of here!
- I got this!Copy !req
1127. - What?
- I'm from the Bronx.Copy !req
1128. - I've been driving since I was eight.Copy !req
1129. - Yeah! Yeah! Do it!
- Woo-hoo!Copy !req
1130. - Oh my God!Copy !req
1131. Hey, pick a lane, lady!Copy !req
1132. A-ha!Copy !req
1133. I knew it. Leo?Copy !req
1134. Hey! Whoa, whoa. No.
No, no, no, no, no. I hate it out here!Copy !req
1135. And I explained to them,
I was just afraid someone would tell.Copy !req
1136. But now they're all mad at me,Copy !req
1137. and my funeral's gonna be
even worse than Hammy #3's.Copy !req
1138. - Who's Hammy #3?
- I think it's a sandwich at Arby's.Copy !req
1139. Why you talking about your funeral?Copy !req
1140. 'Cause it's coming any day.Copy !req
1141. I'm almost 75 years old.Copy !req
1142. So what? We live to, like, 110.Copy !req
1143. What? But Skyler's dad said—Copy !req
1144. A hundred and ten,
unless eaten by alligators.Copy !req
1145. I'm 97.Copy !req
1146. A hundred six. He's 74? He's a tween.Copy !req
1147. Look how fast he blinks.Copy !req
1148. I'm gonna live!
This is incredible!Copy !req
1149. - The guy's gonna live!Copy !req
1150. The guy's gonna live!
The guy's gonna live!Copy !req
1151. I gotta get back to those kids.
I can redeem myself!Copy !req
1152. And we're gonna help you.Copy !req
1153. - The guy's gonna live! The—Copy !req
1154. - I said I was sorry!Copy !req
1155. I'd kill for lateral movement.Copy !req
1156. Guys, before you do anything,
let's talk about why you're angry, okay?Copy !req
1157. Anyone's parents getting divorced?Copy !req
1158. - Aren't you gonna stop?
- I'm trying.Copy !req
1159. But I weigh 80 pounds
and this thing needs oil.Copy !req
1160. - This looks scary. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1161. - Come on!Copy !req
1162. What the... Is that
some kind of woolly mammoth?Copy !req
1163. I don't know, but it could kill us, right?Copy !req
1164. Uh, definitely.Copy !req
1165. We're here.Copy !req
1166. - Get back.Copy !req
1167. - Oh, gosh.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
1168. That's a demerit.Copy !req
1169. You need to chill.Copy !req
1170. Summer, talk to him.Copy !req
1171. So I don't know if you know,
but it doesn't really matter.Copy !req
1172. We were supposed to go to Magic Land,
which is cool.Copy !req
1173. I've never been there.
I don't like magic and roller coasters.Copy !req
1174. They just seem really boring.
They're scary, which isn't boring,Copy !req
1175. but you're not doing anything,
you're just sitting,Copy !req
1176. when you could be
playing soccer or baking a cake.Copy !req
1177. - I mean, my mom's on a diet, so—Copy !req
1178. How could Leo ever survive
out here?Copy !req
1179. How do we even start looking for him?Copy !req
1180. I just don't know.Copy !req
1181. - What? Leo, no!Copy !req
1182. - Oh, no. Leo!
- Leo!Copy !req
1183. Leo,
we just wanted to thank you.Copy !req
1184. I'm so sorry I got mad. We all are.Copy !req
1185. We won the trip, Leo. All because of you.Copy !req
1186. You made me feel like I could do anything.Copy !req
1187. You brought us all together.Copy !req
1188. I never had a lizard
that taught me so much.Copy !req
1189. Or any non-lizards either.Copy !req
1190. I'm not scared.
I wanna hug you one more time.Copy !req
1191. What? They ate his insides!Copy !req
1192. I'm not—Copy !req
1193. - Huh?Copy !req
1194. I'm okay, pal.Copy !req
1195. - I can't believe it.
- You're all right.Copy !req
1196. Sorry I scared you.
When I get nervous, I tend to molt.Copy !req
1197. Old habit.Copy !req
1198. Awesome!Copy !req
1199. That was the best funeral
I could ever have.Copy !req
1200. Wait, but if you guys won,Copy !req
1201. shouldn't you be celebrating
in Magic Land Park?Copy !req
1202. We couldn't celebrate.
We needed to see you before you die.Copy !req
1203. Oh. Uh, who told you I was dying?Copy !req
1204. The turt— Uh, Squirtle told us.Copy !req
1205. Well, I thought I was,
but I found out I'm not.Copy !req
1206. - You're not?
- You're not gonna die?Copy !req
1207. You're not still mad?Copy !req
1208. This is incredible.Copy !req
1209. - We love you, Leo.
- Are you crazy?Copy !req
1210. - This is amazing!Copy !req
1211. I'm so happy!Copy !req
1212. You're right about the endorphins.
It really feels awesome.Copy !req
1213. - Ah. Oh, boy! Ah!Copy !req
1214. - Still coming. Give me a second.Copy !req
1215. Hey, glad you're okay.
Sorry about busting you.Copy !req
1216. I want you to have something.Copy !req
1217. - Least I could do.
- It's okay. Put it back on.Copy !req
1218. You're gonna get arrested.Copy !req
1219. You should all be proud.
We've all learned so much this year.Copy !req
1220. Now, before I go,
I want to finish something elseCopy !req
1221. that Mrs. Salinas started.Copy !req
1222. I'm going to read
the rest of Charlotte's Web.Copy !req
1223. - Ugh, is she kidding?
- Let's just get through it.Copy !req
1224. "Charlotte was dying."Copy !req
1225. "'But I feel peaceful,' she said."Copy !req
1226. "'Your success in the ring was,
to a small degree, my success.'"Copy !req
1227. "'Why did you do all this for me?'
Wilbur asked."Copy !req
1228. "'Because I liked you,'
replied Charlotte."Copy !req
1229. - "'After all, what's life, anyway?'"Copy !req
1230. "'We're born,
we live a little while, we die.'"Copy !req
1231. "'Perhaps,
I was trying to lift my life a trifle.'"Copy !req
1232. - "'Anyone's life can stand a little of...'"Copy !req
1233. What? I was wrong, okay?
Crying's doin' so good for me.Copy !req
1234. - Still wish I could eat spider babies.
- Nobody's eating any spider babies!Copy !req
1235. - Hi, guys!Copy !req
1236. Mrs. Salinas.Copy !req
1237. - I missed you. Come meet Cole!
- Yes!Copy !req
1238. - Can I hold the baby?
- He's so tiny.Copy !req
1239. Only one baby.Copy !req
1240. I guess she didn't bury the other eggs
deep enough in the sand.Copy !req
1241. How are we gonna get
through middle school without you?Copy !req
1242. You'll be fine. It wasn't me. You did it.Copy !req
1243. You trusted someone to hear your problems.
That's all we need.Copy !req
1244. Remember, everyone's scared.
So don't keep it to yourself.Copy !req
1245. Find your Leo to talk to.Copy !req
1246. It could be your teacher,
your mom, your friend.Copy !req
1247. Your turtle.Copy !req
1248. They're ready to listen.
I promise they'll make you feel better.Copy !req
1249. Ms. Malkin!Copy !req
1250. Needless to say,
you've made your mark here.Copy !req
1251. And as I promised, I'm opening up a class
for you to run full-time next year.Copy !req
1252. Well, thank you, Principal Spahn.Copy !req
1253. But I'll need one condition met.Copy !req
1254. Whatever class I teach,
I want these two alongside me as pets.Copy !req
1255. Well, okay.
I don't see that being a problem.Copy !req
1256. - Look at this. We're going with Malkin.
- Change of scenery. Should be good.Copy !req
1257. Congratulations, meet your new students.Copy !req
1258. - Oh God!
- Not in the shell! Keep it clean!Copy !req
1259. Lot of energy.Copy !req
1260. This is good,
we're finally gonna learn the alphabet!Copy !req
1261. - Oh my God!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1262. - What about Summer?
- She's nice.Copy !req
1263. Uh, vomit.Copy !req
1264. Way to be strong, Dad.Copy !req
1265. The big time!Copy !req