Lady Ballers (2023)

1. What are you doing, man? What are you

2. doing?

3. You guys are doing great, man. You're

4. doing so you're doing such a better job.

5. And honestly, this time it's going to what

6. the hell? You call that a pass? You called

7. that a catch. Your mom's a catch. She's

8. your mom, too.

9. Hey, get off the floor. What's the matter

10. with you? You're playing like JV girls out

11. there. And for the record, your mother is

12. not a catch. She was sightedly unfaithful

13. to your dad. Come on,

14. Coach. Gabe gonna be all right. No,

15. Gabe's not gonna be all right, David.

16. Gabe blew his ACL and probably our chance

17. at being state champ. But, Coach, you're

18. already a state champ. Two time state

19. champ. It's true for me. This is a

20. minor step back. For you boys,

21. this is it. This is your shot. No state

22. championship means well. It means no

23. making your parents proud. It means no

24. scholarship to Michigan. But Michigan's my

25. dream. It means Gabriel died in vain. You

26. said it was his ACL. Well, he can't score

27. points in the second half, so he's dead to

28. me. What about me and Blaine? I mean, I'm

29. being honest. I see you both ending up

30. used car salesmen. Either way, nice. But

31. you can kiss your chances with Rebecca

32. VanderKamp goodbye. Damn. She isn't any

33. you. No, she isn't any you.

34. Come on, Coach. You must have something to

35. help us win. I already threw three chairs

36. on the sidelines, pal. I don't know what

37. else you want from me. And that was

38. inspiring, for sure.

39. But what? You know,

40. you want to pep talk Alex? Is that it?

41. You think I'm like one of those coaches on

42. TV who can just give a speech and change

43. the face of every young man in a locker

44. room? That I could, by dent of my rhetoric

45. alone so stir the hearts of my team as to

46. snatch victory from the jaws of certain

47. defeat, that by the virtue of my soaring

48. oratory alone I might muster the animal

49. spirit in each and every one of you, that

50. you might do the impossible. Strive

51. harder, dig deeper. And say to that

52. ancient enemy of man who promised an easy

53. life with no suffering or glory no,

54. not me, not today to call forth the future

55. and all the wonderful and terrible

56. possibility it holds. Not for the meek.

57. But for the bold, for the brave, for those

58. willing to risk it all that history might

59. remember their names, remember their

60. struggle, and remember what it means to be

61. a tiger. To those who say in the voice of

62. thunder, winners are just losers

63. who win I said, winners are just losers

64. who win. Winners are just losers who

65. win. Winners are just losers who win.

66. Winners are just losers who win. Let's get

67. out there. Let's go. Let's go.

68. You're a god among men, Coach. I am,

69. Cowboy. I really am.

70. It's Felix sake.

71. It's over. But it's just starting,

72. can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until

73. the others finally see it takes a

74. strong one to stand and face the

75. cup me don't

76. know about

77. it ain't alphabetical

78. they are calling you Coach Miracle. The

79. coach of the new millennium, the future of

80. basketball. What do you say to that?

81. What do you say for yourself, lady? What

82. can I possibly say that three state

83. championships hadn't said already? Go

84. Tigers. Nice. Any indication

85. the future looks bright for Coach Miracle.

86. Go Tigers.

87. Go,

88. Coach.

89. What does it take to be a man? Is it

90. money, fame? Respect?

91. Maybe. But what do those things have in

92. common? What do they take to achieve? You

93. have to win. You have to be a winner

94. tonight. I have a question before you

95. gentlemen. You gonna go out there today

96. and play like it's just another game? Or

97. are you gonna go out there and play like

98. this could be the beginning of dammit,

99. Kevin, could you put the cell phone down,

100. buddy, please? Dwayne guys,

101. this is serious. Sports can be your

102. pathway to a better life. Well, like

103. yours. No, not like mine.

104. Better like this.

105. The global games. When I was a kid, you

106. had to be an elite athlete just to try out

107. for the games. Never let any loser try any

108. loser. And if that loser happens to win,

109. well, now he's

110. not a loser at all, is he?

111. He's a winner. Isn't that worth something?

112. Isn't that worth a shot?

113. Nothing? No.

114. All right, good talk, boys. Please don't

115. steal my catalytic converter again on your

116. way out. Yo can't talk to us like that.

117. You're right, Kevin. I'm sorry,

118. buddy. You dropped your cordless

119. reciprocating saw.

120. Kevin really feel like

121. he would have heard that?

122. It's racism, Rob. You can't tell a bunch

123. of teenage boys not to steal. Yes, you

124. can, Gary. It's one of the most important

125. things you should be teaching them. It's

126. literally in the Bible. Which you also

127. can't teach them. You're 86 from the rec

128. center, pal. Come on, you know I need this

129. job, Gary.

130. You sorry,

131. Miss Brethwell. I'm normally very

132. punctual. This is the fourth time, Mr.

133. Dibson. What's that?

134. This is the fourth time. It's the

135. obedience trap, lady. I can't hear

136. anything through it. This is the fourth

137. time. Crying out loud. I don't even have a

138. catalytic converter. You got to speak up.

139. This is the fourth time. See, there you

140. go. You're a beautiful woman. It's a

141. beautiful day. Maybe a little concealer

142. next time.

143. Put her there, kiddo. Hey, what's wrong?

144. You were really late, Daddy. I know,

145. baby girl. What can I say? Daddy was on

146. the court. Okay? On the court. There she

147. is. What'd that big brain of yours learned

148. at school today? We learned all about the

149. Cold War. Oh, yeah? Our history teacher

150. led us in a moment of silence for all the

151. workers exploited by the capitalistic

152. system. You should ask your history

153. teacher which side people ran to when the

154. Berlin Wall fell. What's the Berlin Wall?

155. Oh, and Mary Margaret showed me her penis.

156. Some boy showed you his penis? What? No.

157. Not a boy, daddy. Gross. Mary Margaret.

158. She's a girl. Girls don't have penises,

159. Winnie. Mary Margaret does. Penises are

160. weird. Can we stop saying penis, please?

161. Where'd this happen anyway? In the

162. bathroom. Well, why are they letting boys

163. in the girls bathroom? Why do you keep

164. misgendering, Mary Margaret?

165. Misgendering? What are you talking about?

166. It's very transphobic of you. How do you

167. know the word transphobic? I'm eight years

168. old. Exactly. You're eight years old.

169. Okay, boomer.

170. You know what? It's fine. We'll just have

171. to get you into a private school. Some of

172. them have good sports programs. Private

173. schools reinforce white patriarchal

174. privilege. Teach you that at public

175. school, did they? No. Mommy's boyfriend

176. Chris told me he's an ally. Is he?

177. We'll see about that.

178. Hi. How are you? You have

179. a good time? Yeah, Daddy. Who's. Okay. Is

180. he late? Okay.

181. Hey, we need to talk.

182. Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert.

183. We're married for 15 years. Darby can call

184. me Rob. Darby and Robert will do

185. just fine, Coach. Rob. Oh, good. My

186. lover's. Former lover.

187. Okay.

188. Look at us. One big unconventional family

189. lover. I think your transition into

190. divorce will be smoother if Coach moved in

191. with us. Absolutely not. Never going to

192. happen. Well, Coach, now that we're

193. basically co, dads, I was wondering if

194. you'd like to help me train for the

195. Nashville runs.

196. $5,000 prizes. My body's a sacred temple.

197. I'm all about physical fitness, bug based

198. foods, mRNA vaccines, equitable and

199. inclusive hiking. There it is. My lover

200. says you were a great coach back in the

201. day. Honey, why don't you go help Winnie

202. with her homework? Light and love,

203. Coach. Light and love.

204. Is this the guy you replaced me with?

205. Seriously, I'm not having this

206. conversation. Yeah, well, I don't like the

207. things that he's teaching Winnie. How

208. about that? Chris is a good man who cares

209. about other people and the world around

210. him? It's not just winning some stupid

211. game. Hey, basketball is not a stupid

212. game. And winning matters. It's the key

213. ingredient in becoming a winner. Maybe you

214. should try it sometime.

215. Unbelievable.

216. It.

217. Can I help you? Yeah, I used to work here.

218. They said I could come back anytime. How

219. long ago was this? 25 years. Is this still

220. compact disks forever? Not for the last 24

221. and a half years. But it doesn't matter.

222. You're hired. Cool. You don't need to ask

223. many questions first. We only have one

224. question at the doll house. What's your

225. bra size?

226. What's up?

227. It what

228. a way to make a living.

229. I just had no idea men could be so handsy.

230. Really makes you think about how you treat

231. women. Thanks, babe.

232. What the heck happened to you, Coach?

233. That's just it. Nothing happened to me. I

234. stayed the same and the world changed.

235. One day it's all about winning. The next

236. day, they want you to lead from behind.

237. Don't be mean to the kids. Don't push them

238. so hard. Don't make fun of the losers.

239. Are you supposed to win that way, man?

240. What about you? You know,

241. everyone always told me I could do

242. anything I wanted. So what does any kid

243. who can choose anything in the world?

244. Actor. Actor. Always thought you were

245. straight. I am straight.

246. Who could doubt it? Well, either way,

247. turns out white male of non exotic

248. sexuality is the only ethnic group not

249. being cast by Hollywood these days. Yeah.

250. I hear Disney's gonna make the new snow

251. white. And neurodivergent lesbians.

252. Neurodivergent black lesbians. I don't

253. understand the world wasn't that long ago

254. we were champions. Winners. You're the

255. fastest point guard in Tennessee. No, I'm

256. still pretty fast. Yeah?

257. How fast are we talking?

258. Just going to the end of the alley and

259. back. Nothing to it. On your mark, get

260. set. Coach, this is ridiculous. I got to

261. get some sleep. I'm working nine to five.

262. You hear yourself, right?

263. Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here.

264. Think about what we could do with that

265. money. Think about what we could not do

266. with that money.

267. I do miss being a winner. Yeah, you do.

268. Knowing who you were, knowing your

269. purpose. That's what I'm talking about.

270. Your money could be nice. Damn right it

271. would be. Fine. Hold my

272. heels. Had a boy.

273. On your mark, get a setup.

274. We are definitely homeschooling.

275. Not bad for a girl.

276. Seriously, buddy, I think with some

277. training and some excellent coaching, you

278. could be competitive. No.

279. How much?

280. We're not actually, ladies I see

281. it. How much wonder

282. all right, Coach, you got this. Just like

283. the old days. You get out there and win.

284. Here we go.

285. You're late. Tina made me clean all the

286. fry traps again. I nearly got grease all

287. over my good wig. Now we'll lose the wig,

288. would you? We're in public, for crying out

289. loud. Coach Rob.

290. Daddy. Hey.

291. There's my girl. Former lover. Don't call

292. me that. You came to cheer me on?

293. Actually, I'm here professionally. What

294. profession? You remember Alex, my former

295. student? Oh, hey, Mrs. G.

296. Yay, daddy. You're going to be a coach?

297. Yes, I am.

298. I see you.

299. Okay, big guy. We feel seen. Thank you.

300. Just going to go get seen by the

301. registration lady. Good luck, pal.

302. Thank you. I need

303. to register my athlete, please. Name?

304. Alex Cruz.

305. I'm sorry, sir. The men's events are all

306. full. Next. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you

307. talking about? You're late and there's

308. nothing I can do, so next. That's

309. bullshit. He's a

310. white man. I've been here the whole time.

311. Cut me some slack. I need to help the next

312. athlete. Help him what? You said it's

313. full. Are you going to move? I am not.

314. Coach, I'm sorry. I couldn't find my

315. wipes. Oh, my crap. You're a trans woman.

316. Oh, my crap, I taste an ally.

317. There you go, miss. This is everything you

318. need for the women's heptathlon and all

319. other events. And you know what? I'm just

320. going to go ahead and waive that entry

321. fee. It is so wonderful what you're

322. doing. No, I'm not.

323. I'm just glad we were able to get this

324. worked out without having to get social

325. media involved. Please, I have

326. a family and a queer dog.

327. Oh, she tastes me

328. down. Let me down. Coach. What the heck

329. was that?

330. I'm not going to compete against women.

331. Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how

332. much faster even a man past his prime like

333. you is than a female athlete past his

334. prime? High school boys can run faster

335. than world record female sprinters.

336. You're going to get out there and you're

337. going to beat these chicks. I'm a man.

338. Says who? I have. That doesn't matter

339. anymore. Look, my eight year old daughter

340. told me all about it. This is the way the

341. world is now. This is wrong.

342. We wear a dress every freaking day.

343. When's the last time you could say we were

344. wearing the dress of a champion? When's

345. the last time you could look in the mirror

346. and say, this is the makeup of a winner?

347. The tatas of a titan.

348. You're wearing a thong, aren't you? Yeah.

349. You're staying? Character unbelievable.

350. This is the hand life of belchi. Are you

351. going to waste it or are you going to get

352. out there and be the best lady you can be?

353. Best lady I can be. That's a spirit.

354. There we go. So we

355. not it alone. She knows she's

356. got it all get

357. it right. Keep it tight like a psycho girl

358. burning brighter watch your fight,

359. lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,

360. keep your coach and keep your product.

361. She's okay with second hand and working

362. harder. Go to sight every night like a

363. psycho girl. She's a psycho girl. Be like

364. a psycho girl. Go.

365. Don't look at me. Run, you son of a bitch.

366. Get it right. Keep it tight like a psycho

367. girl burning brighter watch your fight,

368. lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,

369. keep your coach and keep your products

370. she's okay the second hand and working

371. harder. Golden sight every night like a

372. cycle girl. She's there's

373. breaking news tonight from the all city

374. Heptathlon where Alex Cruz, a brave

375. and beautiful trans woman, has taken gold

376. in the female competition, winning in

377. every single event by wide margins.

378. That's right, drake and Wiaw's own Gwen

379. Wilde is on the scene with more from this

380. unprecedented moment. Thanks, Stacey.

381. Indeed, history was made today as middle

382. Tennessee's own Alex Cruz, a brave and

383. beautiful former high school basketball

384. state champion, absolutely dominated the

385. women's heptathlon, setting new records in

386. both javelin and shop putt the

387. secret to her success, according to Alex,

388. her coach. I want to thank my parents for

389. always supporting me no matter what. And

390. my coach, Rob Gibson. I've never once been

391. a winner without him.

392. Gwen. Stacey Santiago. O'Brien here.

393. There's no question that good coaching can

394. make a difference. But isn't there another

395. reason why Alex might have completely

396. crushed the competition? I don't know what

397. you're saying, Stacey. I think Stacey is

398. referring to the obvious fact that Alex is

399. a what? Well,

400. I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is,

401. she she is brave and beautiful,

402. of course. But she does have certain

403. advantages over a real woman. Right.

404. Well, Stacey Drake, all I can say to

405. that is how dare you. Trans women are real

406. women and thus have no innate differences

407. with other women whatsoever. The only

408. story here for which I fully intend to win

409. a Pulitzer is that absolutely nothing out

410. of the ordinary happened here tonight.

411. And we should all celebrate the brave,

412. beautiful woman who did it. Back to you.

413. To you, bud. Probably the least sexy,

414. elite female athlete of all time. Hold on.

415. I've been informed that I am, in fact,

416. not only brave, but also beautiful. You

417. know what you are? You're $500 richer.

418. That's what you are. 500.

419. Cleaner taxes, attorneys fees, child

420. support. Well, not cheers

421. of that.

422. What is that? Bud Light I'm sponsored now?

423. No, buddy, they'll give that shit to any

424. dude in the press.

425. I better roll out. It's Wednesday.

426. Tomorrow the only day with

427. double DS. It's a pretty big deal at the

428. doll house. Doll house? What are you going

429. back to that place for when you got a

430. corporate sponsorship and five Benjamins

431. in your bra? I don't know. I guess I don't

432. completely hate it there. And a man can't

433. live on $500 for long. $500 is just the

434. beginning, Gwen Wild. Come on,

435. let's cut to the chase. I know you're not

436. a woman. How? He identifies

437. david, I'm a journalist. I literally

438. cannot be shamed. And I don't care how you

439. identify. Unless you've cried three times

440. in the same day from the pain of menstrual

441. cramps. Frustration with your boyfriend

442. for not understanding the pain of

443. menstrual cramps. And frustration with

444. yourself for being so mean to your

445. boyfriend for not understanding the pain

446. of menstrual cramps. You are not a woman.

447. That's strangely specific. It's cute that

448. you think so. But you just did that entire

449. story to what? To make a name for myself?

450. To get clicks? To gain power? What part of

451. I'm a journalist do you not understand? I

452. guess all of it. Look, what do you know

453. about the US. Opens for the Global Games?

454. First time in history amateur athletes can

455. compete to represent the USA. Exactly.

456. The diversity and inclusion crowd decided

457. to democratize the Global Games. Now

458. anyone has a chance.

459. Any woman has a chance.

460. Don't you see? Men are faster, stronger,

461. meaner. The entire reason we created

462. women's sports was to keep you out.

463. But now.

464. Soon all the best women will be men.

465. Cheating, low life men like

466. you. You want us to compete

467. as women? Think of the sponsorships.

468. Think of the fame. People will hate us.

469. People will love you. How do you know?

470. Because I'm going to tell them to. That's

471. the deal. I won't tell the world the truth

472. about you and in exchange, I get to tell

473. them the lie. I get the exclusive,

474. plus half the money. Half? Go home.

475. Think about it. You'll see I'm right.

476. Not you. Coach. You're going home with me.

477. You're a winner now. Every woman wants a

478. winner. You literally just called me a

479. cheating, low life one.

480. Now put your tongue down my throat.

481. Coach. Alex, we could play basketball.

482. Could be like the old day. We'd have to

483. get the whole team back together. You

484. think there's a chance?

485. You know you always get a fair deal on

486. wheels and three square meals here at

487. Crane and Company.

488. And if you need a ride to the airport, we

489. can do that, too. Because we have two

490. gently used love wagons and one of us is

491. more than happy to give you the ride of a

492. lifetime.

493. Isn't that the hot little money? Since

494. 1987, we've had our own continuously

495. operational smorgasbord on site.

496. Isn't that the hot little money? So

497. whether that's wheels on meals or a ride

498. to the airport, we do it all for you.

499. Middle Tennessee.

500. And we sell mailbox.

501. All right, ladies. Good job. Listen, if

502. you don't have dinner later, just make

503. sure you call me up. Just let me know.

504. Should have gone to med school. Awake,

505. Daddy. Boom, tell me

506. the cameras are still rolling.

507. You have lost your mind. You've lost your

508. mind. What did you just say? You heard me.

509. Look clean to me, boys. Tosh Alex.

510. It's good to see you boys still love the

511. game. Means we can get right to it. Yeah,

512. coach, what's the deal with that? You need

513. another catalytic converter again or

514. something? Yes, I do, Jake. But that's not

515. why we're here. We're here on serious

516. business. Basketball business.

517. I can get the blinds, please. Code eleven.

518. You guys are going to love what

519. fresh hell is this?

520. Oh, yeah,

521. it oh, yeah.

522. This, my friends, is the Crane Cave.

523. Alex, is that a purse? It's a

524. purse.

525. It's a purse.

526. What is this, my man? This is

527. where the action happens.

528. What's this one, my man? This is

529. where the action happened. In the same

530. room? Yeah.

531. Gentlemen, take a seat.

532. Let's talk basketball.

533. We're getting the old state champs back

534. together. For what? Just say.

535. Alex and I are working on a new strategy.

536. Something to get us back into the game

537. professionally. Coach, we're old. We're

538. out of practice. We're in. We're in.

539. Coach. What, bro?

540. Professionals. Honestly,

541. when's the last time you felt like

542. someone? I mean, I kind of always feel

543. like someone, but when's the last time you

544. got laid. We're in. Now, you guys got

545. David already, right? Coach, we have to

546. have the human tower. No one's heard from

547. David since he blew that college

548. championship game. But there have been

549. sightings.

550. I'll get my hiking boots.

551. Hey, Coach, you didn't mention the hold.

552. One thing at a time, Buddy. One thing at a

553. time.

554. Got it. GBS says we're here.

555. I don't see anything.

556. Damn it. I lost the signal.

557. The hell was that?

558. David. Coach.

559. What are you guys doing here?

560. Stop.

561. I mean, it's fine. You're all very safe.

562. We are not safe,

563. Coach. My life is here. I'm a man

564. of peace. Now, how many badgers have you

565. killed?

566. All but one. Ma'am. This jerk

567. is great. What is venison?

568. Squirrel? Look,

569. David, I get it, man. You're fat, you're

570. old, you're slow, you're very fat.

571. Like Shaquille O'Neill if he was mediocre

572. and white.

573. That's it. That's the pitch. Yeah, coach,

574. I'm not a good speech giver. I'm sorry.

575. Look, buddy, we need you. You're the heart

576. of the team. You're the center. I said no.

577. I can't go back. Not after the not

578. afternoon.

579. What was that? Badger humping?

580. I don't know, buddy. Maybe this is your

581. shot at redemption. I have been redeemed

582. through badger blood, redeemed through

583. basketball. This whole badger murder thing

584. is a weird tangent.

585. You guys should leave.

586. I'm not fat. Disgustingly fat.

587. We miss you, pal.

588. You're not not fat. You it.

589. It.

590. What if this isn't about revenge at all?

591. What if it's just about basketball?

592. Please let me go. Shut your mouth, you

593. pervert. Badger.

594. I'll be back.

595. It coach.

596. I'm in. Nice.

597. Is that a purse? Play some basketball?

598. No,

599. we just need one more player to round out

600. the squad. What about Jamal? Nah, he's

601. dead. Found him in the middle of the

602. street with a hole through the top of his

603. head. Cops said it was almost like some

604. type of laser from space and all over the

605. weird. What about that little guy he was

606. always picking on? Not a bad player.

607. Moisha revealed he was Maasad even back in

608. high school. Well, that's it.

609. That's everybody. My man.

610. Looking smooth. Man, you guys weren't

611. kidding. These Jeremy's razors are

612. amazing. And did you know that Jeremy's

613. now offers a razor specially designed for

614. women? And don't forget about

615. Jeremy's shampoo and conditioner. They

616. keep our hair silky and smooth.

617. Didn't we just find someone else from the

618. year before? No, it has to be somebody

619. from this team. The championship team. I

620. knew this was too good to be true. Hey,

621. what about Felix towelboy?

622. Felix guys. We used to shove him in the

623. lockers after we total

624. loser. I heard he's rich.

625. He's in.

626. I'm in.

627. What's with the cat? Cindy Clawford.

628. She was my grandma's cat, and now she's

629. mine. I love her more than anything in the

630. whole world, bro. I'm allergic to cats.

631. Cats are stupid. More of a dog guy.

632. I can't wait to show you guys around.

633. Who is this guy at the Willy Wonka the

634. Towel game? Oh, my God.

635. Come on. Towel boy has

636. become the towel man.

637. What do you do? Gym in your house? Oh,

638. yeah. After I sold my company, I thought,

639. I'm going to build the sickest gym for

640. when my bros come over.

641. But this is the first time we've ever come

642. over here, so it was

643. totally worth it. It's a draino

644. festival. Bring the kids. Oh, my goodness.

645. Nothing's changed.

646. Feels good to be back on the porch, big

647. guy. Oh, my God. Is that our mascot?

648. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, big guy.

649. That's our old tiger mask. Dude, that's

650. not nurse. This is a purse, bro.

651. Hey, bud. Hey, dad not

652. dead. Come on. Dinner, please. I'll never

653. hurt you. I'll never hurt you.

654. Always love you. What are you doing? You

655. know, our boys got serious PTSD issues.

656. You've got PTSD? That doesn't even make

657. any sense. You don't make sense.

658. Welcome to Epstein's Island. You know,

659. too much lifted.

660. Whoa, ELO.

661. Hey. What the hell's the matter with you?

662. That is enough.

663. You have a coach whistle. That's funny. I

664. have a race whistle. That's not funny.

665. This is the Dream Team. Seriously,

666. what's up? I'm Jake, and I love poetry.

667. No one cares. What's up. I'm Blaine, and I

668. hate poetry. Easy, boys. This is my

669. girlfriend.

670. I'm a reporter, and I'm here to start my

671. profile on the scene. Profile? Why would

672. we need a profile? We're just getting

673. started.

674. You haven't told them? Told us what?

675. Told us what?

676. Ray bad.

677. It's not that bad. Really? Have you lost

678. your mind? You know the name Crating

679. Company, it still means something in this

680. town. And we're not going to besmirch it

681. in this way. I'm going back

682. to the woods. I've never been so disgusted

683. in my life. I ain't no chick, bro.

684. I'd cut my dick off for you, Coach. Just

685. say the word and it's gone.

686. And I'm not dragging him into it. I'm not

687. doing some stupid thing.

688. Come on, take a knee,

689. boys. No men.

690. I know I'm asking a lot of you. Hell,

691. I've always asked a lot of you, even when

692. no one else would. Even when you didn't

693. think you had anything left to give. Do

694. you remember where that got us? I do.

695. I remember holding that trophy in my hands

696. with you boys by my side. And where have

697. you gotten since I stopped asking too much

698. of you? Jake and Blaine running the

699. Skeeziest car lot on the skeeziest side of

700. town. David too afraid to even leave

701. the woods. It's so fat. I've gained three

702. pounds since high school. You're fat. And

703. Felix. I mean

704. Felix. You did all right. Nobody saw that

705. coming. You know what I'm offering you

706. now? Something nobody's offered you in a

707. long time. A chance. A chance at

708. success. A chance at dignity.

709. A chance at redemption.

710. What about me, coach kind of already ended

711. the speech, buddy.

712. Screw it. I'm in.

713. Fine.

714. There's my boys. Me too.

715. So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks

716. off? Nobody's cutting their dicks off,

717. budy. I totally would, though, just for

718. the record. Dude, what's the

719. deal with those two heteropaternal

720. superfuckendation? They're half

721. brother twins.

722. Same mom, same time,

723. different dance. Sounds hot.

724. Daddy. Hey,

725. where's my little athlete? Oh, this is

726. Miss Gwen. Alex. Boyce, it's good to

727. see you. What's up, Mrs. G?

728. Hey, you.

729. Hello, Robert. Hello, Darby. Your hands

730. off my boyfriend.

731. Thanks for ringing by. Huh? I got a little

732. caught up. Look at this.

733. You got the state champs back together.

734. Yeah, we got a little something cooking,

735. if you can believe it. And a girlfriend.

736. She's a journalist. You can't believe

737. anything she says. No, it's fine.

738. I mean, why wouldn't you date?

739. I hope you're finally happy, Doc.

740. That's right. Walk away, bitch.

741. It's the mother of my child, okay?

742. Plus, I owe her a mortgage payment. It's

743. the newest one. This came out this year.

744. I saw a commercial for it. Lady Balders.

745. Man up. Come on.

746. Yes, sir. Ladies. Ladies. You look

747. ridiculous. Felix, get that bra off your

748. head. And you gotta shave your beard.

749. Girls don't have beards, right? Lots of

750. girls have beards, Daddy. My aunt

751. teacher's a girl. Her beard is gray.

752. Daddy's a little busy, so we're just going

753. to put those headphones right back your

754. little spawn is right. Girls can have

755. beards. It's a great headline.

756. What else has your teacher told you?

757. Heterosexual is a whole different

758. category. But really you only need a crap

759. ton of drugs or complicated surgery every

760. seven or eight months if your body gets a

761. big. So a guy can

762. become a girl with no physical changes at

763. all? They were always a girl.

764. Unless they decide they're guys again, in

765. which case they were always guys. But what

766. if they, like, go back and forth? Oh,

767. that's called jigger fluid. So I can be a

768. woman on the court and a man in the

769. bedroom? I can't believe it. Nice. You

770. mean when you're sleeping?

771. Yes. Okay, I think that's enough knowledge

772. for one day. Thank you, sweetie.

773. So any questions?

774. Yeah, coach? What is a woman?

775. Guys, it's easy. Women are just like men,

776. only better. Just shave your legs,

777. tell each other how brave you are for

778. things that require absolutely no physical

779. courage. And don't be afraid to cry at

780. work. Easy peasy.

781. All right, I think that's enough, ladies.

782. Better get some sleep. Tomorrow we start

783. winning. Let's go, brave you.

784. History is being made today, as for the

785. first time ever, the United States will

786. choose the athletes they send to the

787. Global Games. From a competition open to

788. all Americans. It's nice to know the

789. little guy has a chance for once. Gwen.

790. During my two weeks of sensitivity

791. training, I discovered that I am not only.

792. A raging scoliosexual, but also one 2048th

793. pure Dakota Indian, so I know what it's

794. like to overcome adversity. Right,

795. Stacy? Stacy Santiago O'Brien

796. is my slave name.

797. Stacey drake, back to you.

798. Remember that feeling, boys. The thrill of

799. the crowd.

800. Are you crazy? What?

801. All right, pack it up. Pack it up. Here we

802. go. Here we go.

803. That's the end of the men's qualifying

804. round. Up next, the women who

805. owns this game, ladyball who was born for

806. this game, ladyball who loves America.

807. Ladyballers who can keep a secret.

808. Ladyballers. Ladyballers on 3123.

809. Ladyballers Sadie's.

810. Basketball, boys. Nobody watches. You said

811. the thrill of the crab. That was

812. rhetorical. How'd they clear out so fast?

813. It I don't know.

814. Hey, what's your problem? Never seen a

815. ladies basketball team before? Those

816. aren't like aren't what?

817. Guys, I'm getting paid, like, $50 to be

818. here. I don't care.

819. Hey,

820. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian.

821. All right, ladies, keep it clean. Keep it

822. tucked. Just throw it back

823. on deep. Back on deep.

824. What are they doing? I think they're

825. running a set. They're making me nervous.

826. Hey, watch out. Watch out.

827. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

828. Get down the corn.

829. You that's

830. garbage technical.

831. And you shut the up. Franz phobic mother.

832. Oh, it welcome

833. to my rodeo welcome to my rodeo

834. welcome to my rodeo welcome to

835. my welcome to my welcome to my rodeo.

836. This is great. It's like watching men's

837. basketball.

838. We're hugging. We're hugging. It's weird.

839. Ladyball forever, baby.

840. Davina. Yeah.

841. Guys, I'm on the team now.

842. That felt good.

843. The crowd loved us. Have you seen the

844. reaction on Social? We're heroes. I didn't

845. know it was going to feel this good. I

846. want to stuff myself in a locker.

847. How's it feel to be winners again, boys?

848. Amazing. Incredible. Amazing.

849. David, what's your problem?

850. I don't know, Coach. It's just some of

851. those girls we're out there beating,

852. they've worked their entire lives for this

853. opportunity. I didn't make the rules,

854. pal. Okay, but aren't we just using our

855. innate strength and speed to wail on

856. a bunch of girls in a competition where we

857. wouldn't stand a chance against other men?

858. None. I mean, Coach, what's that

859. make us? Winners? I'll take a course.

860. I would for a thousand growing couch. Not

861. cases. Cups of daily double.

862. Put a baby in me. What? No, you're right.

863. The last thing I need is another abortion

864. this year. You're a monster. What?

865. You have any idea what it takes to be a

866. female field reporter in the 29th biggest

867. media market? No.

868. Whatever. I just think what we're doing

869. here isn't right. No way.

870. I just got sponsored by Maybelline.

871. Nike wants me to be in a commercial about

872. tolerance or some crap. Nike wants me to

873. be in a commercial about tolerance or some

874. crap. I was just invited to the White

875. House to give a talk on women's rights.

876. You earn that, you own it. Slight girl you

877. go, girl. Welcome to the Virtue economy,

878. girls. And that's just from one game of

879. basketball. You could win at any

880. sport. You could win at every

881. sport. No. All right,

882. focus up, focus up. She's right, Coach.

883. We could dominate every woman's sport.

884. Running, swimming, soccer. I said sport,

885. Felix. Hey, we talked about this.

886. We should be kings. Queens.

887. No, that's not the plan. We're here to

888. play basketball. We still have four games

889. to go before we even qualify. You can't

890. assume they're all going to be this easy.

891. I'm with her.

892. Holy crap. They are going to be this easy.

893. It out in the streets,

894. you're fighting coming up in

895. a time where you

896. made it no one can take history

897. one small step for dudes one giant leap

898. for lesbian.

899. Always reaching, driving, sweating for it.

900. You're number one, so you know that got

901. him focused. There's a sleeping in when

902. you live the dream,

903. brother can't you see what

904. can take it for you?

905. You always had a day one of being a girl

906. athlete. I've already eaten a whole pint

907. of pistachio ice cream, given up on

908. parallel parking twice. Reread Sense and

909. Sensibility and started washing down

910. Benzodiazepines with Rose. I love you,

911. girl how'd I do? Ladies, this is

912. going to count on you.

913. Butterfly, just look inside we're waiting

914. on you you always had the freedom

915. take any commerce and be my pronouns

916. are I'm wrong you always

917. had the freedom no

918. mo ras.

919. If I'm really being honest, I've never

920. completely known myself. Or been known

921. until now. You've all overcome so many

922. obstacles. I've developed body positivity

923. issues. She's a. Yeah, it still hasn't

924. been easy. Some people wouldn't even let

925. us use the women's showers. No such

926. bigotry. You know, it's been especially

927. hard for Felix here, who was bullied in

928. high school. It's. She I coach.

929. Maybe you can just, like, not dead name me

930. for five freaking seconds. Okay. You know,

931. as my daughter Winnie has informed me,

932. one can even be trans age now, which

933. provides Shealix with a wonderful

934. opportunity to relive all the experiences

935. that she missed out on in school. Like

936. having my period never happened. Yes.

937. Let's go to the package.

938. What do you say, Coach, to people at home

939. who suggest your athletes have unfair

940. natural advantages and LeBron doesn't?

941. Tiger doesn't. We're talking about elite

942. athletes, Quinn. Of course they have

943. natural gifts. What about people who say

944. that women could never compete in men's

945. sports? Well, that's a lie. Caitlin Jenner

946. won the men's decathlon in 1976. My ladies

947. were high school state champions in boys

948. basketball. Some would say they were boys

949. back then. Well, anyone who would say that

950. doesn't understand science.

951. That was fun. You want to grab some

952. avocado toast and time into the furnace

953. again? I think the blisters are starting

954. to heal from last time. Not here, you

955. idiots. That was awesome. Mr.

956. Wild. Who said you could speak to me.

957. Okay. You did it,

958. Daddy. Hey, there she

959. is. Okay, daddy's going to talk to the

960. girls. Score 1 minute. Can you wait for me

961. over there?

962. Bella's? Where's the after party? No party

963. for me, Coach. Gotta work on my backhand

964. so I can make the women's tennis team

965. tomorrow. Yeah, we're out, too, Coach.

966. Got a couple hawkheads coming over to the

967. office for an old fashioned sleepover.

968. Y'all know girls don't have sex with each

969. other at sleepovers, right? Wait, what?

970. Look, they told me Internet made a

971. mistake. I didn't make this. That's why I

972. gave you lying. Well, that's why mom hated

973. you. Felix got a

974. blog, babe. Day three of being a girl

975. athlete. I already have 2 million

976. followers. Like and subscribe bitch.

977. Well, hey, I need you fresh tomorrow for

978. the game. How? I don't stay up all night.

979. I'm always fresh, girl.

980. Hey, that was quite a display back there

981. with the waterworks. You all right? I

982. meant every word. This is the best

983. experience of my life, Coach. I feel like

984. a brand new woman. Brand new man.

985. What? Oops. Where is my head?

986. I've got to get to the spa for a manipetty

987. before the game tomorrow.

988. That was weird.

989. Mommy. Hi, sweetie.

990. Can you go wait with Chris in the car for

991. a second? Mommy needs to talk to Daddy for

992. a minute.

993. What's up? You have to stop, Rob.

994. Stop what? The Crane boys. Really? What

995. about them? They barely even bother to

996. shave their legs. My former lover the

997. turf. Oh, please. Look, I don't know what

998. to tell you. My girls say they're girls,

999. so they're girls, but they don't even

1000. believe it. Except maybe Alex. That kid

1001. isn't well. No.

1002. You know what? I think they need a

1003. hug.

1004. Half of these ideas come from Winnie. You

1005. know, between your stupid woke school and

1006. your stupid woke boyfriend. That's

1007. different. How is it different? Chris,

1008. he's big hearted. You're taking

1009. advantage so guys like Chris get to just

1010. make this crap up, and if I go along with

1011. it, I'm taking advantage? That's real

1012. nice. You're better than this, Rob.

1013. You're the one who couldn't handle being

1014. married to a loser. You're the one who

1015. told me to try winning sometime. I never

1016. cared if you won or lost. I just wanted

1017. you to be happy. You were always so

1018. unhappy. Well, take a good look, because

1019. I'm happy. Baby, you know this is wrong.

1020. I'm happy and my girls are happy. They're

1021. not real girls,

1022. Chris.

1023. No, you know what? Fine. I'm the bad guy.

1024. Come on, Winnie.

1025. At least we still have each other.

1026. Alexa. What's? Get in the game.

1027. Come on.

1028. Excuse me. Are these seats open?

1029. Never mind. Told you we should have sprung

1030. for the box seat.

1031. Put your prop I think the girl broke my

1032. nail. Get off my foot.

1033. You tennis looks so easy.

1034. Flair. Would you run a freaking marathon

1035. last night? Let's just say david was wrong

1036. about the girl's sleepover last night.

1037. Coach jake.

1038. Let's just say David was wrong about the

1039. girl's sleepover last night, Coach.

1040. Monica from the Hawkettes played a little

1041. one on one with her last night. Shirts and

1042. skin style. Kept me up like half the

1043. night. What? Monica kept me up half the

1044. night. Which half? Do you told

1045. you not to talk. You must have that's.

1046. It all right.

1047. What can I say? It wasn't a pretty win,

1048. but it was a win. My girls look forward to

1049. participating in the championship game

1050. tomorrow. That's it. Any questions?

1051. Daddy, can we talk? Daddy's a

1052. little busy right now, honey. Can we?

1053. Of course you can, baby. Anytime.

1054. Come on, sit down. Yeah.

1055. I'm sorry you saw mom and dad fighting

1056. last night. That's not for you. I want to

1057. be a boy.

1058. What? I want to be a winner just like you,

1059. Daddy.

1060. What's that have to do with being a boy?

1061. Boys are better at everything. Honey,

1062. that's just not true. They're better at

1063. basketball. Okay, yeah, basketball and

1064. swimming. Okay, MMA. That goes without

1065. saying. And running and javelin, power

1066. lifting, shot putt. Hockey, karate,

1067. football, hole vault driving, parking,

1068. most of the stem fields. Rock and roll.

1069. Opening pickle jars. Okay,

1070. yeah, boys are better at all of those

1071. things. But those are just things,

1072. Winnie. Things boys made up so we'd have

1073. something to be good at.

1074. Doesn't matter anyway, because girls can't

1075. become boys. Boys clearly can't

1076. become girls. Listen,

1077. women are better at all kinds of things.

1078. They can be nurturing and sensitive and

1079. empathetic. Better at doing lots of things

1080. at once and caring for a lot of people at

1081. once. They're better at communicating and

1082. building community.

1083. And they civilize men.

1084. It's the only reason we have a

1085. civilization. No women,

1086. no world. Did Mommy civilize

1087. you?

1088. She tried.

1089. I think she's still trying.

1090. Plus, Mommy brought you into the world.

1091. That's a superpower no man will ever have.

1092. Yeah. Okay.

1093. You go with Mommy. Daddy's got a few

1094. things to figure out.

1095. The sunset is rising the love we feel

1096. despite our faults could change hearts for

1097. some just a sip more brandy seems

1098. perfectly sad or at least

1099. the feel is fine we

1100. break bread again we see our

1101. wicked truth and make plans my

1102. God, you're weak. How the hell did you get

1103. in here? You gave me a key. I absolutely

1104. did not give you a key. You're right. I

1105. picked the lock. What do you want, Gwen?

1106. What do I want? How about for you to stick

1107. to your end of the deal? Your merry band

1108. of losers almost shit the bed out there.

1109. Yeah, we won, didn't we? And what's with

1110. all this boys and girls are different,

1111. honey? At least you can have babies crap.

1112. Would you bug the locker room?

1113. What if that had been for a different

1114. network, idiot?

1115. I'm sorry. I forgot I was Micked. Okay.

1116. I just need you to be a winner, Coach.

1117. Okay. No, I'm sorry. It's this divorce.

1118. I think it's really starting to affect my

1119. daughter. Seriously?

1120. Of course your divorce is affecting your

1121. daughter. 70% of all people in prison come

1122. from broken families. She's twice as

1123. likely to do drugs, twice as likely to

1124. drop out of school, four times as likely

1125. to have trouble fitting in, three times as

1126. likely to end up in therapy, twice as

1127. likely to commit suicide, 50% more likely

1128. to have health problems. Do you people not

1129. even do a freaking Google search before

1130. you decide to blow up the planet your kids

1131. live on?

1132. Greeters Winnie's

1133. going to be fine. Just keep fighting

1134. with her mom and get her into a school

1135. journalism program. She could end up like

1136. me. Oh, God.

1137. I just need you to focus on what really

1138. matters. Winning.

1139. Winning tomorrow and becoming the most

1140. important news story in the history of

1141. sports. Okay?

1142. What we're doing to these women. The

1143. entire concept of women's sports is wrong.

1144. Stop It. You listen to me, Coach. These

1145. are not sexy slaps. Do you hear me? Do not

1146. get aroused right now. Not even a little.

1147. I stake my entire future on this deep

1148. transhumanist tech oligarchs and nihilist

1149. college professors have already convinced

1150. every self righteous housewife with

1151. munchausen by proxy to sacrifice their

1152. kids on the altar of false virtue.

1153. The least we could do is get rich off it.

1154. Gracie. You ruin this for me, and I'll cut

1155. you in ways that don't lead to orgasm.

1156. I'll cancel you. Robert.

1157. Are we ever even going to have sex? How

1158. Much?

1159. It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee

1160. as 10,000 people are gathered right here

1161. in Music City for the women's championship

1162. basketball match in the first ever US.

1163. Open for the Global Games. A big day for

1164. sports and a big day for trans rights,

1165. which are women's rights, which are human

1166. rights. Why do you always get to talk

1167. first? I beg your pardon? It's just

1168. evidence of systemic sexism and racism.

1169. Drake you Are Very White,

1170. ladies and gentlemen and in between from

1171. mass

1172. and from Santa fe the

1173. skinless cowgirl why

1174. is Gwen Wilde talking to their Coach?

1175. What's wrong with his neck?

1176. Ernest Burns. I dated girl like that once.

1177. The Cowgirls seem to have made some last

1178. minute substitutions. Keep talking, big

1179. man.

1180. Those aren't the Santa Fe cowgirls. Let's

1181. just say I made some substitution. Can't

1182. substitute players in a qualification

1183. match. Qualifying the players is the

1184. entire point. There's no rule against it.

1185. Yeah, pretty much. Just making it up as we

1186. go. But they're not real. They're not what

1187. she told me. There's a sniper here. It's

1188. raptors right now. Help Me.

1189. Okay.

1190. What's the story there, Coach?

1191. Gentlemen, alex.

1192. I've known you men since you were boys.

1193. This isn't the first time we've walked

1194. into a championship game as the underdogs.

1195. Remember what happened last time. We won.

1196. We won. So ask yourselves this.

1197. What do we have then that we don't have

1198. now? Practice. Youth? A black guy on the

1199. team? Heart. We had heart. We had love of

1200. the game. We had the desire to win and the

1201. determination to do it. It wasn't about

1202. money. Then sponsorships, fame. Trying to

1203. keep the psychojournalists I've been

1204. trying to sleep with from shooting us all

1205. with sniper rifles. What? It was

1206. about basketball. Wait, you got tied to a

1207. furnace and didn't get laid? I like to

1208. move slow, Blaine. It's called respect.

1209. It was about love of competition, then

1210. love of your teammates. Love of America.

1211. And it was about one simple, beautiful

1212. truth. Winners are just losers

1213. who win. There he is. I said winners are

1214. just losers, sir. Winners are

1215. just losers who win. Winners are just

1216. losers who win. Winners are just losers

1217. who win. Winners are just losers. I'm so

1218. sick of you doing that. How was I supposed

1219. to know when to stop? Did you guys

1220. practice? How are you, Rich?

1221. Yeah, let's play some basketball.

1222. SA,

1223. bro, you know tampons are for real girls,

1224. right? No. Now they're for people who

1225. bleed. Where'd you even get those things?

1226. I found them in Alex's purse.

1227. Oh, Lordy. Where does he put oh, great

1228. balls of fire.

1229. Jake. Blaine. Hey,

1230. Monica. Hey. There's something I have to

1231. tell you both.

1232. I'm pregnant. Who's the father?

1233. Both of you?

1234. Heteropaternal superfacendation man.

1235. How did she know any of that? This soon?

1236. And the sins of the father will be visited

1237. upon the son even until the third and

1238. fourth generation it.

1239. Ah.

1240. What are we going to do? Coach?

1241. Coach.

1242. Coach Gibson. Drake diamond wiaw news.

1243. How, Coach. Win or

1244. lose, you have clearly changed the game of

1245. women's basketball forever.

1246. Inasmuch as, no matter the outcome,

1247. tonight, for the first time ever, the

1248. American team won't include a single real

1249. biological woman. How does it feel to

1250. change the world? All right, that's

1251. enough. Whoa. All right.

1252. Don't push me off my land, white man.

1253. Is literally every journalist a lunatic.

1254. Coach, you all right?

1255. Boys, we've taken this thing about as far

1256. as we're going to take it. Coach is right.

1257. They're not even real girls. We're not

1258. even real girls. No, we're not. Jake.

1259. We're not men, either. Maybe we still can

1260. be. We just have to lose.

1261. You mean we'll never be going to the

1262. Global Games? I am already qualified in

1263. powerlifting. I landed a spot on the swim

1264. team and the marathon. 100 meters hurdles.

1265. 400 meters hurdles. I am the fastest

1266. female jockey in the world right now. Not

1267. to brag, but you're going to forfeit all

1268. of those positions. Coach. Coach.

1269. Guys, you don't want your legacy to be

1270. erasing women from women's sports.

1271. It's time to man up.

1272. So what's the plan, Coach? Think I've got

1273. it all figured out. But I'm going to need

1274. you boys to buy me some time. Can you do

1275. that? Yes, sir.

1276. Coach, there's a little red dot on my

1277. forehead. I know, but I know Gwen.

1278. She's a vindictive little minx, but I

1279. don't think she'd actually hurt anybody.

1280. Hold up a

1281. lucky penny.

1282. Damn it.

1283. Coach. You what,

1284. pal? I understand why this is wrong.

1285. I mean, Shake and Blaine as real women?

1286. Please. It's a miracle we got away with it

1287. as long as we have. But I do.

1288. What? I am a woman.

1289. I mean, all those years playing

1290. basketball, I never really felt like

1291. myself. Decade in Hollywood trying to

1292. figure out who I really was. And then I

1293. started working at the Dollhouse. And this

1294. is the real me, Coach. This is who I am.

1295. Proud of myself. For the first time, my

1296. parents are proud of me. Would parents

1297. ever not been proud of you, Bud? What do

1298. you mean? Your parents love you, Alex.

1299. That's a good thing. Parents should love

1300. their kids. I shouldn't be proud of you?

1301. Unconditionally. Should only be proud of

1302. you when you do what's right. What we've

1303. done here, this isn't right.

1304. You're confused. I get that. We all get

1305. confused sometime. And if you need help,

1306. Buddy, I'm going to help you get it.

1307. You got to believe me when I tell you

1308. this. You are not a woman.

1309. You're just a lost man in a lost world

1310. with shitty parents and a real shitty

1311. coach who've all gone along with this lie

1312. instead of just hurting your feelings and

1313. telling you the truth. How can you be so

1314. sure I'm not a woman?

1315. Good talk. Good talk.

1316. And Tim, it's your boy Deuce

1317. Johnson here. Let's play the basketball.

1318. No. I have to do this.

1319. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an

1320. announcement to make. I,

1321. Blaine Crane of Ladyball Is Fame,

1322. am not only a woman, which is obvious,

1323. but I'm also a hot lesbian.

1324. A lesbian in love.

1325. Monica, my love. I knew I was

1326. gay views since the first time I saw you.

1327. Please come down here.

1328. That's fine. I'll do it from here.

1329. Monica, will you be my

1330. lesbian wife? And I jake Clayton plays

1331. lost fame. Of all he's super lesbian,

1332. people say I'm the best upstairs around

1333. right now. Monica, I love you. You're the

1334. one for me. I'm trying to get married,

1335. you dick. I'm getting married. I am, but

1336. I'm hey, you're fighting.

1337. Oh, no. She did.

1338. Here's.

1339. How much?

1340. That's the biggest dick I've ever seen on

1341. a lady.

1342. Come on. We're here to topple the

1343. patriarchy, not each other.

1344. Wait. The Ladyballers are making some

1345. substitution.

1346. Come on, Coach. What is this?

1347. What, you never seen a ladies basketball

1348. team before?

1349. What are they doing? I think they're

1350. running a set. They're making me nervous.

1351. Deeper. You get

1352. on your man. Get on your man. Come on.

1353. Hustle. Hustle. Proud of yourself?

1354. Proud of the team.

1355. Come on now. Hustle. I can still cancel

1356. you. I can cancel all of you. You can.

1357. You probably should. I won't.

1358. You gave me a good story. It pains me

1359. to say it, but you're a winner, Rob.

1360. A reluctant winner, but still a winner.

1361. I don't ever want to have sex with you.

1362. No, I don't ever want to have sex with

1363. you, either, Gwen. Really? Oh, no, I do.

1364. I really, really do.

1365. But I think our time together is heading.

1366. See you around, Coach.

1367. See you around, Gwen. All right,

1368. ladies, form up. Form up.

1369. It,

1370. um and

1371. that was the heartwarming scene at today's

1372. Global Games final qualifiers. Just about

1373. the cutest thing I have ever seen. A true

1374. testament to the power of sportsmanship.

1375. Absolutely. Though ultimately, the little

1376. girls were trounced. Final score 418

1377. to 16.

1378. Welcome to the grand reopening of the

1379. Crane and Company luxury used cars and

1380. youth sports center, where you can still

1381. get a deal on new wheels. And now you can

1382. help kiddos learn how to dunk and steal

1383. here at Craning Company.

1384. Still sell bail bomb? You still sell bail

1385. bomb. Plus, kids will have a chance to

1386. figure out who they really are from the

1387. best coach anyone could hope for. Coach,

1388. you want to come say a few words?

1389. Sellers. Sellers. Fellas,

1390. I look out at all your faces. Some of you

1391. loved me even when I didn't deserve it.

1392. Some of you slapped me when I clearly

1393. deserved it. You tased me precious

1394. little provocation. I'm sorry. I think

1395. I have a restraining order against you.

1396. Oh, I said was too much. Look at all these

1397. families and children. How do

1398. these people live like this? It's

1399. disgusting. All of you helped me learn an

1400. important lesson. There's only one win

1401. that matters now. Let's play some

1402. basketball.

1403. How big an investment did you make in

1404. training company anyway? Oh, I own it

1405. outright. Makes sense. Probably sell it

1406. next week. Touche.

1407. You're a good dad, Rob. You're a good mom.

1408. Garb, I was thinking, why don't the three

1409. of us get together this weekend, have a

1410. little picnic? Oh, yeah. Why not?

1411. Why not? Hey,

1412. baldilock, I want to see a rebound. Come

1413. on. Run that set again. Remember, winners

1414. are just losers who do what's right. Come

1415. on, now. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Use his

1416. favorite line.

1417. Here we go.

1418. We'll get him next time. So silly.

1419. Another sweet Daddy Walsh adventure comes

1420. to a satisfying conclusion. What are you

1421. talking about? I don't understand how

1422. anything you did helped to make this

1423. situation better. Don't you?

1424. Why?

1425. Han,

1426. think it's over. But it's just starting.

1427. Can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until

1428. the others finally see it takes a strong

1429. one to stand and face the coming

1430. dark don't be our

1431. heart no,

1432. it ain't our heart it

1433. ain't our burp S-A-O-F

1434. grade Lacey Logan called me pretty. Not

1435. handsome pretty. And that felt good.

1436. Everybody loves a compliment. In 7th

1437. grade, Moisha convinced me to steal Carly

1438. Truitt's underwear from the girls locker

1439. room. And I did. And god, they were so

1440. soft, silky, you know, why don't they make

1441. men's underwear more?

1442. And in 8th grade, I had it down bad for

1443. Jessica Montgomery. And I didn't feel like

1444. a girl at all that year, you know what I

1445. mean? But in 9th grade, Jessica broke up

1446. with me. And I had a good cry.

1447. Jake called me a sissy. And I don't

1448. know why it's so wrong for men to cry.

1449. Who made that rule?

1450. You waiting for you. You always have the

1451. freedom. Take it. Cover the freedom.