Lady Ballers (2023)

1. There you go, Thomas, come on, come on.

2. Set it up.

3. Dude! What are you doing, man! What are you doing?

4. You're doing so, you're doing such a good job.

5. And honestly, this time, let's get it done.

6. Don't worry about that.

7. What the hell?

8. You call that a pass?

9. You call that a catch?

10. Your mom's a catch?

11. She's your mom too.

12. Hey, get off the floor.

13. What's the matter with you?

14. You're playing like JV girls out there.

15. And for the record, your mother is not a catch.

16. She was decidedly unfaithful to your dads.

17. Come on.

18. Oh, not again, not again.

19. Coach, is Gabe gonna be all right?

20. No, Gabe's not gonna be all right, David.

21. Gabe blew his ACL and probably our chance at being state champs.

22. But, Coach, you're already a state champ.

23. Two times state champ.

24. It's true.

25. For me, this is a minor setback. For you boys...

26. This is it.

27. This is your shot.

28. No state championship means—

29. well, it means no making your parents proud.

30. It means no scholarship to Michigan.

31. But Michigan's my dream.

32. It means Gabriel died in vain.

33. You said it was his ACL.

34. Well, he can't score points in the second half,

35. so he's dead to me.

36. What about me and Blain?

37. I mean, I'm being honest.

38. I see you both ending up used car salesman either way.

39. Nice.

40. But you can kiss your chances with Rebecca Vanderkamp,

41. goodbye.

42. Damn.

43. She isn't into you.

44. No.

45. She isn't into you.

46. I'm rolling with the bat.

47. Come on, Coach.

48. You must have something to help us win.

49. I already threw three chairs on the sidelines, pal.

50. I don't know what else you want from me.

51. And that was inspiring for sure.

52. But—

53. But what?

54. You know.

55. You want to pep talk, Alex?

56. Is that it?

57. You think I'm like one of those coaches on TV

58. who can just give a speech and change

59. the fates of every young man in a locker room?

60. That I could by dent of my rhetoric alone

61. so stir the hearts of my team as to snatch victory

62. from the jaws of certain defeat.

63. That by the virtue of my soaring oratory alone,

64. I might muster the animal spirit in each and every one of you

65. that you might do the impossible.

66. You might drive harder, dig deeper,

67. and say to that ancient enemy of man who promised an easy life

68. with no suffering or glory, no, not me, not today,

69. to call forth the future and all the wonderful and terrible

70. possibility it holds.

71. Not for the naked, but for the bold, for the brave.

72. For those willing to risk it all,

73. then history might remember their names,

74. remember their struggles, and remember

75. it means to be a tiger.

76. To those who say in the voice of thunder,

77. winners are just losers who win.

78. I said winners are just losers who win.

79. Winners are just losers who win.

80. Winners are just losers who win.

81. Winners are just losers who win.

82. Now get out there, Joe.

83. Let's go.

84. Let's go.

85. Javakers!

86. I'm Brian Kanger!

87. You're a god among men, Coach.

88. I am, Talboy.

89. I really am.

90. It's Felix.

91. It's over, but it's just starting.

92. Can't you see?

93. Ain't going nowhere until the others finally sing.

94. It takes a strong one to stand and face the coming star.

95. Strongly me.

96. Oh.

97. It ain't over.

98. No.

99. Strongly me.

100. No.

101. Oh.

102. It ain't over.

103. It ain't over.

104. It ain't over.

105. It ain't over.

106. Wow.

107. They are calling you Coach Miracle, the coach

108. of the new millennium, the future of basketball.

109. What do you say to that?

110. Coach Miracle?

111. Sir?

112. What do you have to say to yourself?

113. Lady, what can I possibly say?

114. The three state championships, haven't said already.

115. Go Tigers!

116. Tonight's that indication.

117. The future looks right for Coach Miracle.

118. Go Tigers!

119. Go, Coach!

120. Go, Coach!

121. Go, Coach!

122. Go, Coach!

123. Go, Coach!

124. Go, Coach!

125. Go, Coach!

126. It's not the only church that you want today.

127. What does it take to be a man?

128. Is it money?

129. Fame?

130. Respect?

131. Maybe.

132. But what do those things have in common?

133. What do they take to achieve?

134. You have to win.

135. You have to be a winner.

136. So now you have a question before you, gentlemen.

137. You going to go out there today and play like it's just another game?

138. Or are you going to go out there and

139. play like this could be the beginning of—

140. Dammit, Kevin.

141. Could you put the cell phone down, buddy?

142. Please.

143. Dwayne?

144. Guys, this is serious.

145. Sports can be your pathway to a better life.

146. What like yours?

147. No, not like mine.

148. Better.

149. Like this.

150. The global games.

151. When I was a kid, you had to be an

152. elite athlete just to try out for the games.

153. Now they'll let any loser try.

154. Any loser.

155. And if that loser happens to win,

156. well, now he's not a loser at all, is he?

157. He's a winner.

158. Isn't that worth something?

159. Isn't that worth a shot?

160. Nothing?

161. No.

162. All right.

163. Good talk, boys.

164. Please don't steal my catalytic converter again on your way out.

165. Yo.

166. Can't talk to us like that.

167. You're right, Kevin.

168. I'm sorry.

169. Hey, buddy, you dropped your cordless reciprocating saw.

170. Kevin!

171. I really feel like he would have heard that.

172. Damn it.

173. It's racism, Rob.

174. You can't tell a bunch of teenage boys not to steal.

175. Yes, you can, Gary.

176. It's one of the most important things you should be teaching them.

177. It's literally in the Bible.

178. Which you also can't teach them.

179. You're 86 from the rec center, pal.

180. Buddy, come on.

181. You know I need this job.

182. Gary?

183. Sorry, Miss Breswell.

184. I'm normally very punctual.

185. What's that?

186. This is the fourth time.

187. It's the obedience craft, lady.

188. I can't hear anything through it.

189. This is the fourth time.

190. For crying out loud, I don't even have a catalytic converter.

191. You gotta speak up.

192. This is the fourth time.

193. See?

194. There you go.

195. You're a beautiful woman.

196. It's a beautiful day.

197. Maybe a little concealer next time.

198. Put it there, kiddo.

199. Hey, what's wrong?

200. You weren't really late, daddy.

201. I know, baby girl.

202. What can I say?

203. Daddy was on the court, okay, huh?

204. On the court.

205. There she is.

206. What'd that big brain of yours learn at school today?

207. We learned all about the Cold War.

208. Oh, yeah?

209. Our history teacher led us in a moment of silence

210. for all the workers exploited by the capitalistic system.

211. You should ask your history teacher which side people ran to

212. when the Berlin Wall fell.

213. What's the Berlin Wall?

214. Oh, and Mary Margaret showed me her penis.

215. Some boy showed you his penis.

216. What? No, not a boy, daddy.

217. Gross. Mary Margaret, she's a girl.

218. Girls don't have penises, Winnie.

219. Mary Margaret does.

220. Penises are weird.

221. Stop saying penis, please.

222. Where did this happen, anyway?

223. In the bathroom.

224. Well, why are they letting boys in the girls' bathroom?

225. Why do you keep misgendering Mary Margaret?

226. Misgendering? What are you talking about?

227. It's very transphobic of you.

228. How do you know the word "transphobic"?

229. I'm eight years old.

230. Exactly. You're eight years old.

231. Okay, boomer.

232. You know what? It's fine.

233. We'll just have to get you into a private school.

234. Some of them have good sports programs.

235. Private schools reinforce white patriarchal privilege.

236. Did you teach that at public school, did they?

237. No.

238. Mommy's boyfriend Kris told me.

239. He's an ally.

240. Is he?

241. We'll see about that.

242. Hi.

243. How are you?

244. You have a good time?

245. Yeah.

246. Daddy was okay? Was he late?

247. No, he wasn't.

248. Okay, okay.

249. Good time.

250. Hey!

251. We need to talk.

252. Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert.

253. We were married for 15 years, Dharby. Call me Rob.

254. Dharby.

255. And Robert will do just fine.

256. Coach Rob!

257. Oh, good.

258. My lover's former lover.

259. Okay, my God.

260. Yep.

261. Okay.

262. Look at us. One big, unconventional family.

263. Lover, I think your transition into divorce will be smoother

264. if Coach moved in with us.

265. Absolutely not.

266. Never gonna happen.

267. Coach, now that we're basically co-dads,

268. I was wondering if you'd like to help me train

269. for the Nashville runs.

270. $5,000 prices.

271. My body's a sacred temple.

272. I'm all about physical fitness.

273. Bug-based foods, mRNA vaccines, equitable and inclusive hiking.

274. There it is.

275. My lover says you were a great coach back in the day.

276. Honey, why don't you go help Winnie with her homework?

277. Light and love, Coach. Light and love.

278. This is the guy you replaced me with, seriously?

279. I'm not having this conversation.

280. Yeah, well, I don't like the things that he's teaching Winnie.

281. How about that?

282. Kris is a good man who cares about other people

283. and the world around him.

284. Not just winning some stupid game.

285. Hey, basketball is not a stupid game.

286. And winning matters.

287. It's the key ingredient in becoming a winner.

288. Maybe you should try it sometime.

289. Unbelievable.

290. I... I...

291. Can I help you?

292. Yeah, I used to work here.

293. They said I could come back anytime.

294. How long ago was this?

295. 25 years?

296. Is this still compact discs forever?

297. Not for the last 24 and a half years.

298. But it doesn't matter.

299. You're hired.

300. Cool. You don't need to ask me any questions first.

301. We only have one question at the dollhouse.

302. What's your bra size?

303. What the...

304. Oy, mate.

305. More mayo, yea? Sure thing.

306. Coach?

307. Alex?

308. What a way to make a living.

309. I just had no idea men could be so handsy.

310. It only makes you think about how you treat women.

311. Thanks, babe.

312. Mm.

313. What the heck happened to you, Coach?

314. That's just it. Nothing happened to me.

315. I stayed the same, and the world changed.

316. One day it's all about winning.

317. The next day they want you to lead from behind.

318. Don't be mean to the kids.

319. Don't push them so hard.

320. Don't make fun of the losers.

321. How are you supposed to win that way?

322. Man.

323. What about you?

324. Mm.

325. You know, everyone always told me I could do anything I wanted,

326. so what does any kid who can choose anything in the world do?

327. Mm. Actor.

328. Actor.

329. I always thought you were straight.

330. I am straight.

331. Who could doubt it?

332. Well, either way, it turns out white male of non-exotic sexuality

333. is the only ethnic group not being cast by Hollywood these days.

334. Yeah.

335. I hear Disney's gonna make the new

336. Snow White and neurodivergent lesbian.

337. Neurodivergent black lesbian.

338. I don't understand the world.

339. It wasn't that long ago we were champions.

340. Winners.

341. You're the fastest point guard in Tennessee.

342. No, I'm still pretty fast.

343. Yeah.

344. How fast are we talking?

345. Just going to the end of the alley and back?

346. Nothing to it.

347. On your mark, get set.

348. Coach, this is ridiculous.

349. I gotta get some sleep. I'm working nine to five.

350. You hear yourself, right?

351. What?

352. Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here.

353. Think about what we could do with that money.

354. Think about what we could not do with that money.

355. I do miss being a winner.

356. Yeah, you do.

357. Knowing who you were, knowing your purpose.

358. That's what I'm talking about.

359. The money could be nice.

360. Damn right it would be.

361. Fine.

362. Hold my heels.

363. Attaboy.

364. On your mark, get set.

365. We are definitely homeschooling.

366. End time.

367. Not bad for a girl.

368. Seriously, buddy, I think with some

369. training and some excellent coaching,

370. you could be competitive.

371. No.

372. How much?

373. We're not actually ladies.

374. I see it.

375. How much?

376. Damny's fast.

377. All right, Coach, you got this.

378. Just like the old days.

379. Just get out there and win.

380. Here we go.

381. You're late.

382. Tina made me clean all the fry traps again.

383. I nearly got grease all over my good wig.

384. Now we'll lose the wig, would you?

385. We're in public for crying out loud.

386. Coach Rob?

387. Daddy!

388. Hey!

389. Oh, there's my girl, former lover.

390. Don't call me that.

391. You came to cheer me on.

392. Actually, I'm here professionally.

393. What profession?

394. Ha ha. You remember Alex, my former student?

395. Oh, hey, Mrs. G.

396. Yay daddy! You're gonna be a coach.

397. Yes, I am.

398. Yes, I am.

399. I see you.

400. Okay, big guy. We feel seen.

401. Thank you.

402. Just gonna go get seen by the registration lady, huh?

403. Good luck, pal.

404. Thank you.

405. I need to register my athlete, please.

406. Name?

407. Alex Cruz.

408. I'm sorry, sir. The men's events are awful.

409. Next!

410. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

411. You're late, and there's nothing I can do, so next!

412. That's bullshit.

413. I will tase a white man.

414. I've been here the whole time. Cut me some slack.

415. I need to help the next athlete.

416. Help him what? You said it's full.

417. Are you gonna move?

418. I am not.

419. Coach, I'm sorry. I couldn't find my wipes.

420. Oh, my crap. You're a trans woman.

421. Oh, my crap. I tased an ally.

422. Oh.

423. Oh, here you go, miss.

424. This is everything you need for the

425. women's heptathlon and all other events.

426. And you know what?

427. I'm just gonna go ahead and wave that in, truthfully.

428. It is so wonderful what you're doing.

429. No, I'm not...

430. I'm just glad we were able to get this worked

431. out without having to get social media involved.

432. Please! I have a family! And a queer dog!

433. Oh, she tased me.

434. Yep, yep. Easy.

435. Let me down. Let me down easy.

436. Let me down.

437. Coach, what the heck was that?

438. You can't.

439. I'm not gonna compete against women.

440. Are you crazy?

441. Do you have any idea how much faster even a man

442. past his prime like you is than a female athlete?

443. Past his prime?

444. High school boys can run faster than world record female sprinters.

445. You're gonna get out there and you're gonna beat these chicks.

446. I'm a man.

447. Says who?

448. I have a...

449. That doesn't matter anymore.

450. Look, my eight-year-old daughter told me all about it.

451. This is the way the world is now.

452. This is wrong.

453. You wear a dress every second day.

454. When was the last time you could say

455. you were wearing the dress of a champion?

456. The last time you could look in the

457. mirror and say this is the makeup of a winner.

458. The tatas of a titan.

459. You're wearing a thong aren't you?

460. Yeah, gotta stay in character.

461. Unbelievable.

462. This is the hand life has dealt you.

463. Are you gonna waste it?

464. Or are you gonna get out there and be the best lady you can be?

465. Best lady I can be.

466. That's the spirit.

467. Up a little.

468. There we go.

469. In these hard streets

470. They say she should just go home

471. She'll never make it out here

472. Her pretty face won't cut it alone

473. She knows she's got it all

474. Get it right, keep it tight like a psycho girl

475. Burning bright, watch her fight like love of the world

476. Keep your good, you keep your coach, you keep your product

477. She's okay with secondhand and working harder

478. Golden sight every night like a psycho girl

479. She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl

480. Go! Go!

481. Don't look at me, run you son of a bitch

482. Get it right, keep it tight like a psycho girl

483. Burning bright, watch her fight like love of the world

484. Keep your good, you keep your coach, you keep your product

485. She's okay with secondhand and working harder

486. Golden sight every night like a psycho girl

487. She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl

488. She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl

489. Call the station, we've got a story.

490. There's breaking news tonight from the All City Heptathlon

491. Where Alex Cruz, a brave and beautiful trans woman

492. Has taken gold in the female competition

493. Winning in every single event by wide margins

494. That's right, Drake. And WIAW's own Gwen Wilde

495. Is on the scene with more from this unprecedented moment

496. Thanks, Daisy. Indeed, history was made today

497. As Middle Tennessee's own Alex Cruz, a brave and beautiful

498. Former high school basketball state champion

499. Absolutely dominated the women's Haptathlon

500. Setting new records in both javelin and shot putt

501. The secret to her success according to Alex, her coach

502. I want to thank my parents for always supporting me

503. No matter what, and my coach, Rob Gibson

504. I've never once been a winner without him

505. Gwen, Stacey Santiago O'Brien here

506. There's no question that good coaching can make a difference

507. But isn't there another reason why Alex might have

508. Completely crushed the competition?

509. I don't know what you're saying, Stacey

510. I think Stacey is referring to the obvious fact that Alex is a

511. A what?

512. Well, I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is

513. She... she is brave and beautiful

514. Of course. But she does have certain

515. advantages over a real woman, right?

516. Well, Stacey, Drake, all I can say to that is, how dare you?

517. Trans women are real women, and thus have no innate differences

518. With other women whatsoever. The only story here

519. For which I fully intend to win a Pulitzer is that absolutely

520. Nothing out of the ordinary happened here tonight

521. And we should all celebrate the brave, beautiful woman who did it

522. Back to you

523. Here's to you, bud. Probably the least

524. sexy elite female athlete of all time

525. Hold on. I've been informed that I am in

526. fact not only brave, but also beautiful

527. You know what you are. You're $500 richer. That's what you are

528. $500?

529. Well, you know what, there are taxes, attorney's fees, child support

530. Well, I choose that

531. What is that?

532. Bud Light. I'm sponsored now

533. Oh, buddy. They'll give that shit to any dude in a dress

534. I better roll out. It's Wednesday tomorrow

535. The only day with double D's

536. It's a pretty big deal at the dollhouse

537. Dollhouse?

538. You're going back to that place

539. before when you got a corporate sponsorship

540. And five Benjamins in your bra

541. I don't know. I guess I don't completely hate it there

542. And a man can't live on $500 for long

543. $500 is just the beginning

544. Gwen Wilde

545. Come on. Up. On, on, on

546. Let's cut to the chase. I know you're not a woman

547. How dare you... You don't know how he identifies

548. Save it. I'm a journalist. I literally cannot be shamed

549. And I don't care how you identify

550. Unless you've cried three times in the

551. same day from the pain of menstrual cramps

552. Frustration with your boyfriend for not

553. understanding the pain of menstrual cramps

554. And frustration with yourself for being so mean to your boyfriend for

555. not understanding the pain of menstrual cramps

556. You are not a woman

557. That's strangely specific

558. It's cute that you think so

559. But you just did that entire story to what?

560. To make a name for myself, to get clicks, to gain power

561. What part of I'm a journalist do you not understand?

562. I guess all of it

563. Look, what do you know about the US Opens for the global games?

564. First time in history amateur

565. athletes can compete to represent the USA

566. Exactly

567. The diversity and inclusion crowd

568. decided to democratize the global games

569. Now anyone has a chance

570. Any woman has a chance

571. Don't you see?

572. Men are faster, stronger, meaner

573. The entire reason we created Women's Sports was to keep you out

574. But now

575. Soon all the best women will be men

576. Cheating, lowlife men

577. Like you

578. You want us to compete as women?

579. Think of the sponsorships, think of the fame

580. People will hate us

581. People will love you

582. How do you know?

583. Because I'm going to tell them to

584. That's the deal

585. I won't tell the world the truth about you

586. And in exchange, I get to tell them the lie

587. I get the exclusive

588. Plus half the money

589. Half?

590. Go home, think about it

591. You'll see I'm right

592. Not you coach, you're going home with me

593. You're a winner now

594. Every woman wants a winner

595. You literally just called me a cheating lowlife

596. Cool

597. One

598. Now put your tongue down my throat

599. Coach?

600. Alex, we could play basketball.

601. It could be like the old days.

602. We'd have to get the whole team back together.

603. You think there's a chance?

604. You know you always get a fair deal on wheels

605. and three square meals here at Crain & Company.

606. And if you need a ride to the airport, we can do that too.

607. Because we got two gently used love wagons,

608. and one of us is more than happy to give you the ride of a lifetime.

609. Since 1987, we've had our own

610. continuously operational smorgasbord on-site.

611. So whether that's wheels or meals, or a ride to the airport,

612. we do it all for you, Middle Tennessee!

613. And we sell bail bonds.

614. Alright, ladies, good job.

615. Listen, if you want to have dinner

616. later, just make sure you hit me up.

617. Just let me know.

618. I should have gone to med school.

619. Oh, wait, Danny!

620. Oh! Boom!

621. Tell me the cameras are still rolling!

622. Wow!

623. Wait!

624. You have lost your mind!

625. You've lost your mind!

626. What did you just say?

627. You heard me.

628. Look clean to me, boys.

629. Coach?

630. Alex?

631. It's good to see you boys still love the game.

632. It means we can get right to it.

633. Yeah, coach, what's the deal with that?

634. You need another catalytic converter again or something?

635. Yes, I do, Jake.

636. But that's not why we're here.

637. We're here on serious business.

638. Basketball business.

639. Blain get the blinds, please?

640. Code 11.

641. You guys are going to love this.

642. What fresh hell is this?

643. Oh, yeah.

644. Oh, yeah.

645. This, my friends, is the Crain Cave.

646. Alex, is that a purse?

647. It's a murse.

648. It's a purse.

649. What is this?

650. My man, this is where the action happens.

651. What's this one?

652. My man, this is where the action happens.

653. In the same room?

654. Yeah.

655. Gentlemen, take a seat.

656. Let's talk basketball.

657. We're getting the old state champs back together.

658. For what?

659. Just say Alex and I are working on a new strategy.

660. Something to get us back into the game professionally.

661. Coach, we're old.

662. We're out of practice.

663. We're in.

664. We're in, Coach.

665. What?

666. Bro, professionals.

667. Honestly, when's the last time you felt like someone?

668. I mean, I kind of always feel like someone.

669. But when was the last time you got laid?

670. We're in.

671. Now, you guys got David already, right?

672. Coach, we have to have the human tower.

673. No one's heard from David since he

674. blew that college championship game.

675. But there have been sightings.

676. I'll get my hiking boots.

677. Hey, Coach, you didn't mention the whole...

678. One thing at a time, buddy.

679. One thing at a time.

680. Got it.

681. GPS says we're here.

682. I don't see anything.

683. Dammit, I lost the signal.

684. What the hell was that?

685. David?

686. Coach?

687. What are you guys doing here?

688. Stoooop!

689. I mean, it's fine.

690. You're all very safe.

691. We're not safe.

692. Sorry, Coach.

693. My life is here.

694. I'm a man of peace now.

695. How many badgers have you killed?

696. All but one.

697. Man, this jerky's great.

698. What is this?

699. Venison?

700. Squirrel.

701. Look, David, I get it, man.

702. You're fat, you're old, you're slow, you're very fat.

703. Like Shaquille O'Neal if he was mediocre and white.

704. That's it?

705. That's the pitch?

706. Yeah, Coach, I'm not a good speech-giver.

707. I'm sorry.

708. Look, buddy, we need you.

709. You're the heart of the team, you're the center.

710. I said no.

711. I can't go back.

712. Not after the—

713. Not after.

714. What was that badger humping?

715. What was that badger humping?

716. I don't know, buddy.

717. Maybe this is your shot at redemption.

718. I have been redeemed through badger blood.

719. Redeemed through basketball.

720. This whole badger murder thing is a weird tangent.

721. You guys should leave.

722. At least I'm not fat.

723. Disgustingly fat.

724. I miss you, pal.

725. You're not not fat.

726. What if this isn't about revenge at all?

727. What if it's just about basketball?

728. Please let me go.

729. Shut your mouth, you pervert badger.

730. I'll be back.

731. Coach!

732. I'm in.

733. Nice.

734. Is that a purse?

735. Let's play some basketball.

736. No!

737. We just need one more player to round out the spot.

738. What about Jamal?

739. Nah, he's dead.

740. I mean in the middle of the street with

741. a hole through the top of his head.

742. The cop said it was almost like some type of laser from space,

743. and it was all over the place.

744. Weird.

745. What?

746. What about that little guy he was always picking on?

747. Not a bad player.

748. Moisha.

749. Revealed he was mossad, even back in high school.

750. Well, that's it.

751. That's everybody.

752. My man, looking smooth.

753. Man, you guys weren't kidding.

754. These Jeremy's razors are amazing.

755. And did you know that Jeremy's now offers a razor

756. specially designed for women?

757. And don't forget about Jeremy's shampoo.

758. And conditioner.

759. They keep our hair silky and smooth.

760. Couldn't we just find someone else from the year before?

761. No, it has to be somebody from this team,

762. the championship team.

763. I knew this was too good to be true.

764. Hey, what about Talboy Felix?

765. Talboy Felix?

766. Guys, we used to shove him in the lockers after we won.

767. Oh, hey!

768. Hey, Jeremy.

769. Real small.

770. Total loser.

771. Totally.

772. I heard he's rich.

773. He's in.

774. I'm in.

775. What's with the cat?

776. Cindy Clawford?

777. She was my grandma's cat, and now she's mine.

778. I love her more than anything in the whole world.

779. Bro, I'm allergic to cats.

780. Ooh.

781. Cats are stupid.

782. More of a dog guy.

783. I can't wait to show you guys around.

784. Who is this guy?

785. It's like the Willy Wonka, the towel game.

786. Oh, my God.

787. The hand of wine's come on.

788. Talboy has become the Tal man.

789. You ever do—

790. Gym in your house?

791. Oh, yeah.

792. After I sold my company, I thought,

793. I'm going to build the sickest gym for when my bros come over.

794. But this is the first time we've ever come over here.

795. So it was totally worth it.

796. It's a drain-out festival.

797. Bring the kids.

798. Ou my goodness.

799. Nothing's changed.

800. Feels good to be back on the court, eh, big guy?

801. Oh, my God.

802. Is that our mascot?

803. Badger!

804. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

805. Easy, big guy.

806. That's our old tiger mask.

807. Dude, that's my murse.

808. This is a purse, bro.

809. Hey, bud.

810. Hey.

811. Dad?

812. Huh?

813. Not dad.

814. Come on.

815. I'll never hurt you.

816. Huh?

817. I'll never hurt you.

818. I'm always—

819. What are you doing?

820. You know our kids got serious PTSD issues.

821. You got PTSD.

822. That doesn't even make any sense.

823. You don't make sense.

824. Easy.

825. Welcome to Epstein's Island.

826. You know too much.

827. Let's eat.

828. Whoo!

829. Hey!

830. Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?

831. That is enough.

832. You have a coach whistle.

833. That's funny.

834. I have a brain whistle.

835. That's not funny.

836. This is the dream team.

837. Seriously.

838. What's up?

839. I'm Jake, and I love poetry.

840. No one cares what's up.

841. I'm Blain, and I hate poetry.

842. Easy, boys.

843. This is my...

844. girlfriend?

845. I'm a reporter.

846. And I'm here to start my profile on the team.

847. Profile?

848. Why would we need a profile?

849. We're just getting started.

850. Hmm.

851. You haven't told them.

852. Told us what?

853. Told us what?

854. Guys, it's not that bad.

855. Really.

856. Have you lost your mind?

857. You know the name "Crain & Company"

858. still means something in this town.

859. And we're not gonna besmirch it in this way.

860. I feel like I've spent the riddler on this—

861. I'm going back to the woods.

862. I've never been so disgusted in my life.

863. I ain't no chick, bro.

864. I'd cut my dick off for you, coach.

865. Just say the word, and it's gone.

866. And I'm not dragging him into it.

867. We need this guy!

868. I'm not dragging him into it!

869. You know what you want.

870. Come on.

871. Take a knee.

872. Boys.

873. No.

874. Men.

875. I know I'm asking a lot of you.

876. Hell, I've always asked a lot of you.

877. Even when no one else would.

878. Even when you didn't think you had anything left to give.

879. Do you remember where that got us?

880. I do.

881. I remember holding that trophy in my hands

882. with you boys by my side.

883. And where have you gotten since I stopped asking too much of you?

884. Jake and Blain running the skeeziest

885. car lot on the skeeziest side of town.

886. David, too afraid to even leave the woods.

887. And so fat.

888. I've gained three pounds since high school.

889. You're fat.

890. And Felix—

891. I mean, Felix, you did all right.

892. Nobody saw that coming.

893. You know what I'm offering you now?

894. Something nobody's offered you in a long time.

895. A chance.

896. A chance at success.

897. A chance at dignity.

898. A chance at redemption.

899. What about me, Coach?

900. Kind of already into the speech, buddy.

901. Screw it.

902. I'm in.

903. Yes.

904. Fine.

905. There's my boys.

906. Me too.

907. So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks off?

908. Nobody's cutting their dicks off, buddy.

909. I totally would though, just for the record.

910. Dude.

911. What's the deal with those two?

912. Heteropaternal superfecundation.

913. They're half-brother...

914. twins.

915. Same mom.

916. Same time.

917. Different dads.

918. Sounds hot.

919. Daddy!

920. Hey.

921. Where's my little athlete?

922. Oh.

923. This is Miss Gwen.

924. Alex, boys.

925. It's good to see you.

926. What's up, Mrs. G?

927. Mwah.

928. Hey, you.

929. Hello, Robert.

930. Hello, Dharby.

931. Keep your hands off my boyfriend.

932. Thanks for bringing Winnie by, huh?

933. I got a little caught up.

934. Look at this.

935. You got the state champs back together.

936. Yeah.

937. We got a little something cooking, if you can believe it.

938. And a great friend.

939. She's a journalist.

940. You can't believe anything she says.

941. No, it's fine.

942. I mean, why wouldn't you date?

943. I just...

944. I hope you're finally happy.

945. Dharby.

946. That's right.

947. Walk away, bitch.

948. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

949. It's the mother of my child, okay?

950. Plus, I owe her a mortgage payment.

951. It's the newest one.

952. This just came out this year.

953. I saw a commercial for it.

954. Lady Ballers.

955. Man up.

956. Come on!

957. Yes, sir.

958. Ladies, ladies, you look ridiculous.

959. Felix, get that bra off your head.

960. And you got to shave your beard.

961. Girls don't have beards, right?

962. Lots of girls have beards, Daddy.

963. My aunt teaches a girl.

964. Her beard is great.

965. Daddy's a little busy, so we're just

966. gonna put those headphones right back.

967. Your little spawn is right.

968. Girls can have beards.

969. It's a great headline.

970. What else has your teacher told you?

971. Pansexual is a whole different category,

972. but really, you'll need a crap ton of drugs

973. or complicated surgery every seven or eight months

974. if you're body dysmorphic.

975. So a guy can become a girl with no physical changes at all?

976. They were always a girl.

977. Unless they decide they're guys again.

978. In which case, they were always guys.

979. But what if they, like, go back and forth?

980. Oh, that's called gender-fluid.

981. Mm.

982. So I can be a woman on the court

983. and a man in the bedroom.

984. I can't believe it.

985. Nice!

986. You mean when you're sleeping?

987. Yes.

988. Okay.

989. I think that's enough knowledge for one day.

990. Thank you, sweetie.

991. So, any questions?

992. Yeah, Coach, what is a woman?

993. Guys, it's easy.

994. Women are just like men, only better.

995. Just shave your legs.

996. Tell each other how brave you are

997. for things that require absolutely no physical courage.

998. And don't be afraid to cry at work.

999. Easy peasy.

1000. All right.

1001. I think that's enough, ladies.

1002. Better get some sleep.

1003. Tomorrow, we start winning.

1004. Let's go.

1005. So brave.

1006. History is being made today.

1007. As for the first time ever,

1008. the United States will choose the athletes

1009. they send to the global games

1010. from a competition open to all Americans.

1011. It's nice to know the little guy has a chance for once, Gwen.

1012. During my two weeks of sensitivity training,

1013. I discovered that I am not only a raging scolio-sexual,

1014. but also one 2,048th pure Dakota Indian.

1015. So I know what it's like to overcome adversity.

1016. Right, Stacey?

1017. Stacey Santiago O'Brien is my slave name.

1018. Okay.

1019. Stacey, Drake, back to you.

1020. Remember that feeling, boys?

1021. The thrill of the crowd.

1022. Are you crazy?

1023. What?

1024. All right, pack it up.

1025. Pack it up.

1026. Here we go.

1027. Here we go.

1028. That's the end of the men's qualifying round.

1029. Up next, the women!

1030. Who owns this game?

1031. Lady Ballers!

1032. Who was born for this game?

1033. Lady Ballers!

1034. Who loved America?

1035. Lady Ballers!

1036. Who could keep a secret?

1037. Lady Ballers.

1038. Lady Ballers on three.

1039. One, two, three.

1040. Lady Ballers!

1041. This is ladies' basketball, boys.

1042. Nobody watches.

1043. You said the thrill of the crowd.

1044. That was rhetorical.

1045. How'd they clear out so fast?

1046. I don't know.

1047. No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

1048. Hey! What's your problem?

1049. Never seen a ladies' basketball team before?

1050. Those aren't—

1051. Wait.

1052. Aren't what?

1053. Guys, I'm getting paid like 50 bucks to be here.

1054. I don't care.

1055. Hey.

1056. I'm a lesbian.

1057. I'm a lesbian.

1058. All right, ladies. Keep it clean.

1059. Keep it tucked.

1060. Just throw it.

1061. Hey! Hey! Hey!

1062. Back on deep! Back on deep!

1063. Get out! Get out!

1064. Let me in!

1065. Let me in! Let me in!

1066. What are they doing?

1067. I think they're running a set.

1068. They're making me nervous.

1069. Hey, watch out! Watch out!

1070. Oh, my God!

1071. I am so sorry.

1072. Hey! Get down the court!

1073. That's garbage!

1074. Technical! And you shut the fuck up transphobic motherfucker!

1075. Oh.

1076. It's going great!

1077. - This too much? - This too much?

1078. Yeah! This is great.

1079. It's like watching men's basketball.

1080. Yes!

1081. - That's my girls!

1082. - You did it, Daddy! - Oh, there she is.

1083. We're hugging. We're hugging. It's weird.

1084. Lady ballers forever, baby!

1085. Davila.

1086. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

1087. Lady Ballers!

1088. Lady Ballers!

1089. Lady Ballers!

1090. Lady Ballers!

1091. Guys, I'm on the team now.

1092. That felt good.

1093. The crowd loved us.

1094. Have you seen the reaction on social?

1095. We're heroes.

1096. I didn't know it was gonna feel this good.

1097. I want to stuff myself in a locker.

1098. Pfft.

1099. How does it feel to be winners again, boys?

1100. - Amazing. - Incredible.

1101. Amazing.

1102. David, what's your problem?

1103. I don't know, Coach.

1104. It's just some of those girls we're out there beating.

1105. They've worked their entire lives for this opportunity.

1106. I didn't make the rules, pal.

1107. Okay, but aren't we just using our innate strength

1108. and speed to wail on a bunch of girls

1109. in a competition where we wouldn't stand a chance

1110. against other men?

1111. None.

1112. I mean, Coach, what's that make us?

1113. Winners.

1114. I'll take a "Course I would" for a thousand.

1115. I'm growing. Coach I...

1116. It's his daily double.

1117. Oh, no, darling.

1118. - Aww. - Ugh.

1119. Put a baby in me.

1120. What?

1121. No, you're right.

1122. The last thing I need is another abortion this year.

1123. You're a monster.

1124. What?

1125. You have any idea what it takes to be a female field reporter

1126. in the 29th biggest media market?

1127. No.

1128. Whatever.

1129. I just think what we're doing here isn't right.

1130. No way.

1131. I just got sponsored by Maybelline.

1132. No, you didn't.

1133. Nike wants me to be in a commercial about tolerance

1134. or some crap.

1135. Nike wants me to be in a commercial about tolerance

1136. or some crap.

1137. Shh.

1138. I was just invited to the White House

1139. to give a talk on women's rights.

1140. You earn that.

1141. You own it.

1142. You go, girl.

1143. Welcome to the virtue economy, girls.

1144. And that's just from one game of basketball.

1145. You could win at any sport.

1146. You could win at every sport.

1147. What?

1148. No, no, no, no.

1149. Focus up.

1150. Focus up.

1151. She's right, Coach.

1152. We could dominate every woman's sport.

1153. Running, swimming, soccer.

1154. I said sport, Felix.

1155. Hey, we talked about this.

1156. We could be kings.

1157. Queens.

1158. No, that's not the plan.

1159. We're here to play basketball.

1160. We still have four games to go before we even qualify.

1161. You can't assume they're all going to be this easy.

1162. I'm with her.

1163. Holy crap!

1164. They are going to be this easy.

1165. One small step for dudes, one giant leap for lesbians.

1166. Day one of being a girl athlete.

1167. I've already eaten a whole pint of pistachio ice cream,

1168. given up on parallel parking twice,

1169. re-read "Sense and Sensibility,"

1170. and started washing down benzodiazepines with rose!

1171. I love being a girl. How'd I do, ladies?

1172. My pronoun's are I'm strong.

1173. And I guess if I'm really being honest,

1174. I've never completely known myself,

1175. or been known, until now.

1176. You've all overcome so many obstacles.

1177. I've developed body positivity issues.

1178. She's a fan.

1179. Yeah, it still hasn't been easy.

1180. Yeah, some people won't even let us use

1181. the women's showers. No.

1182. Such bigotry.

1183. You know, it's been a special hard.

1184. for Felix here,

1185. who was bullied in high school.

1186. It's Shelix' coach.

1187. Maybe you can just like not dead name me

1188. for five frickin' seconds.

1189. Okay, that's, you know, as my daughter Winnie

1190. has informed me, one can even be Trans-Aged now,

1191. which provides Shelix with a wonderful opportunity

1192. to relive all the experiences that she

1193. missed out on in school.

1194. Like having my period.

1195. Never happened.

1196. Yes.

1197. Let's go to the package.

1198. What do you say, coach, to people at home

1199. who suggest your athletes have unfair natural advantages?

1200. And LeBron doesn't, Tiger doesn't.

1201. We're talking about elite athletes, Gwen.

1202. Of course they have natural gifts.

1203. What about people who say that women

1204. could never compete in men's sports?

1205. Well, that's a lie.

1206. Caitlyn Jenner won the men's decathlon in 1976.

1207. My ladies were high school state champions

1208. in boys basketball.

1209. Some would say they were boys back then.

1210. Well, anyone who would say that

1211. doesn't understand science.

1212. And cut.

1213. That was fun.

1214. You wanna grab some avocado toast

1215. and tie me to the furnace again?

1216. I think the blisters are starting to heal

1217. from last time.

1218. Not here, you idiot.

1219. That was awesome, Ms. Wilde.

1220. Who said you could speak to me?

1221. Okay.

1222. You did it, daddy.

1223. Hey.

1224. Oh, there she is.

1225. Okay.

1226. Daddy's gonna talk to the girls for one minute.

1227. Can you wait for me over there?

1228. What's up in here?

1229. Bellas, where's the after party?

1230. No party for me, coach.

1231. Gotta work on my backhand

1232. so I can make the women's tennis team tomorrow.

1233. Yeah.

1234. We're out too, coach.

1235. Got a couple of Hawkettes coming over to the office

1236. for an old fashioned sleepover.

1237. Oh yeah.

1238. Y'all know girls don't have sex with each other

1239. at sleepovers, right?

1240. Wait, what?

1241. You told me tonight...

1242. The internet made a mistake. I didn't make a mistake.

1243. That's what I gave you.

1244. You have a bow in your hair.

1245. What, what are you lying?

1246. Well, that's why my mom hated you.

1247. Felix.

1248. Huh?

1249. Gotta vlog, babe.

1250. Day three of being a girl athlete,

1251. I already have two million followers.

1252. Like and subscribe, bitch.

1253. Well hey, I need you fresh tomorrow for the game.

1254. Don't stay up all night.

1255. I'm always fresh, girl.

1256. Hey, that was quite a display back there

1257. with the waterworks, you all right?

1258. I meant every word.

1259. This is the best experience of my life, coach.

1260. I feel like a brand new woman.

1261. Brand new man?

1262. What?

1263. Oops, where is my head?

1264. I've got to get to the spa for a mani-pedi

1265. before the game tomorrow.

1266. That was weird.

1267. Mommy!

1268. Hi, sweetie.

1269. Hi.

1270. Can you go wait with Kris in the car for a second?

1271. Mommy needs to talk to daddy for a minute.

1272. What's up?

1273. You have to stop, Rob.

1274. Stop what?

1275. The Crain boys, really?

1276. What about them?

1277. They barely even bothered to shave their legs.

1278. My former lover, the TERF.

1279. Oh please.

1280. Look, I don't know what to tell you.

1281. My girls say they're girls, so they're girls.

1282. But they don't even believe it.

1283. Except maybe Alex.

1284. That kid isn't well.

1285. No.

1286. You know what I think they need?

1287. A hug.

1288. Half of these ideas come from Winnie, you know?

1289. Between your stupid woke school

1290. and your stupid woke boyfriend.

1291. That's different.

1292. How is it different?

1293. Kris, he's, he's big hearted.

1294. You're taking advantage.

1295. So guys like Kris get to just make this crap up

1296. and if I go along with it, I'm taking advantage?

1297. That's real nice.

1298. You're better than this, Rob.

1299. You're the one who couldn't handle

1300. being married to a loser.

1301. You're the one who told me to try winning sometime.

1302. I never cared if you won or lost.

1303. I just wanted you to be happy.

1304. You were always so unhappy.

1305. Well take a good look, cause I'm happy, baby.

1306. You know this is wrong.

1307. I'm happy and my girls are happy.

1308. They're not real girls.

1309. Kris?

1310. No, you know what?

1311. Fine, I'm the bad guy.

1312. Come on, Winnie.

1313. At least we still have each other.

1314. How much?

1315. Alexa, what's your problem?

1316. Get in the game!

1317. Come on.

1318. Get it!

1319. Come on!

1320. Hey, what're you doing?

1321. Excuse me, are these seats open?

1322. Nevermind.

1323. Told you we should have sprung for the box seats.

1324. What's your problem?

1325. I think the girl broke my nail.

1326. Get off my court.

1327. You?

1328. Tennis looked so easy.

1329. Blain, what'd you run a frickin' marathon last night?

1330. Let's just say, David was wrong

1331. about the girl's sleepover last night, Coach.

1332. Jake?

1333. Let's just say David was wrong

1334. about the girl's sleepover last night, Coach.

1335. Monica from the Hawkettes played a little one-on-one

1336. with her last night, shirts and skin style.

1337. Kept me up like half the night.

1338. What?

1339. Monica kept me up half the night.

1340. Which half?

1341. Hey, hey, hey!

1342. Told you not to talk to her.

1343. What's the matter with you?

1344. Get up!

1345. Stop that!

1346. Hey!

1347. Test test.

1348. All right!

1349. What can I say?

1350. It wasn't a pretty win, but it was a win.

1351. My girls look forward to participating

1352. in the championship game tomorrow, that's it.

1353. Any questions?

1354. Daddy, can we talk?

1355. Daddy's a little busy right now, honey.

1356. Can we?

1357. No, of course you can, baby, anytime.

1358. Come on, sit down, yeah?

1359. I'm sorry you saw Mom and Dad fighting last night, huh?

1360. That's not for you.

1361. I wanna be a boy.

1362. What?

1363. I wanna be a winner just like you, Daddy.

1364. What's that have to do with being a boy?

1365. Boys are better at everything.

1366. Oh, honey.

1367. That's just not true.

1368. They're better at basketball.

1369. Okay, yeah, basketball.

1370. And swimming.

1371. Okay.

1372. MMA.

1373. That goes without saying.

1374. And running, and javelin, power lifting,

1375. shot putt, hockey, karate, football,

1376. pole vault, driving, parking, most of the STEM fields,

1377. rock and roll, opening pickle jars!

1378. Okay!

1379. Yeah, boys are better at all of those things.

1380. But those are just things, Winnie.

1381. Things boys made up so we'd have something to be good at.

1382. Doesn't matter anyway.

1383. Because girls can't become boys.

1384. Boys clearly can't become girls.

1385. Listen, women are better at all kinds of things.

1386. They can be nurturing, and sensitive, and empathetic.

1387. Better at doing lots of things at once,

1388. and caring for a lot of people at once.

1389. They're better at communicating, and building community,

1390. and they civilize men.

1391. It's the only reason we have a civilization.

1392. No women,

1393. no world.

1394. Did mommy civilize you?

1395. She tried.

1396. I think she's still trying.

1397. Plus mommy brought you into the world.

1398. That's a superpower no man will ever have, yeah?

1399. Okay.

1400. You go with mommy.

1401. Daddy's got a few things to figure out.

1402. My God, you're weak.

1403. How the hell did you get in here?

1404. You gave me a key.

1405. I absolutely did not give you a key.

1406. You're right, I picked the lock.

1407. What do you want, Gwen?

1408. What do I want?

1409. How about for you to stick to your end of the deal?

1410. Your merry band of losers almost shit the bed out there.

1411. Yeah, we won, didn't we?

1412. And what's with all this...

1413. boys and girls are different, honey...

1414. at least you can have babies.

1415. Crap.

1416. Did you bug the locker room?

1417. What if that had been for a different network?

1418. Idiot!

1419. I'm sorry, I forgot I was mic'd, okay?

1420. Look, I just need you to be winner, Coach.

1421. Okay?

1422. No, no, I'm sorry.

1423. I just, it's this divorce.

1424. I think it's really starting to affect my daughter.

1425. Seriously?

1426. Of course your divorce is affecting your daughter.

1427. 70% of all people in prison come from broken families.

1428. She's twice as likely to do drugs,

1429. twice as likely to drop out of school,

1430. four times as likely to have trouble fitting in,

1431. three times as likely to end up in therapy,

1432. twice as likely to commit suicide,

1433. 50% more likely to have health problems.

1434. Do you people not even do a freaking Google search

1435. before you decide to blow up the planet your kids live on?

1436. Breeders.

1437. Look, Winnie is going to be fine.

1438. Just keep fighting with her mom

1439. and get her into a school journalism program.

1440. She could end up like me.

1441. Oh God.

1442. Look, I just need you to focus on what really matters.

1443. Winning tomorrow and becoming the most important news story

1444. in the history of sports.

1445. Okay?

1446. What we're doing to these women,

1447. to the entire concept of women's sports is wrong.

1448. Stop it.

1449. You listen to me, coach.

1450. These are not sexy slaps.

1451. Do you hear me?

1452. Do not get aroused right now.

1453. Not even a little.

1454. I've staked my entire future on this.

1455. These transhumanist tech oligarchs

1456. and nihilist college professors

1457. have already convinced every self-righteous housewife

1458. with Munchausen by proxy to sacrifice their kids

1459. on the altar of false virtue.

1460. The least we could do is get rich off it.

1461. Crazy.

1462. You ruin this for me and I'll cut you in ways

1463. that don't lead to orgasm.

1464. I'll cancel you.

1465. Robert.

1466. Are we ever even gonna have sex?

1467. How much?

1468. It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee

1469. as 10,000 people are gathered right here in Music City

1470. for the Women's Championship Basketball Match

1471. in the first ever US Open for the Global Games.

1472. A big day for sports and a big day for trans rights.

1473. Which are women's rights.

1474. Which are human rights.

1475. Why do you always get to talk first?

1476. I beg your pardon?

1477. It's just evidence of systemic sexism and racism, Drake.

1478. You are very white.

1479. Ladies and gentlemen and in-betweens,

1480. from Nashville, Tennessee, the Lady Ballers!

1481. That's my daddy!

1482. And from Santa Fe, the Skinless Cowgirls!

1483. Why is Gwen Wilde talking to their coach?

1484. I mean, what's wrong with his neck?

1485. Furnace burns.

1486. I dated a girl like that once.

1487. The Cowgirls seem to have made

1488. some last minute substitutions.

1489. Keep talking, big man.

1490. Those aren't the Santa Fe Cowgirls.

1491. Let's just say I made some substitutions.

1492. You can't substitute players in a qualification match.

1493. Qualifying the players is the entire point.

1494. There's no rule against it.

1495. Yeah, we're pretty much just making it up as we go.

1496. But they're not real.

1497. They're not what?

1498. She told me there's a sniper here

1499. in the rafters right now.

1500. Help me.

1501. Okay.

1502. What's the story there, coach?

1503. Gentlemen, Alex, I've known you men since you were boys.

1504. This isn't the first time we've walked

1505. into a championship game as the underdogs.

1506. Remember what happened last time?

1507. - We won. - We won.

1508. So ask yourselves this.

1509. What did we have then that we don't have now?

1510. - Practice. - Youth.

1511. A black guy on the team?

1512. - Heart! - We had heart.

1513. Heart. It's heart.

1514. We had love of the game.

1515. We had the desire to win and the determination to do it.

1516. It wasn't about money then, sponsorships, fame.

1517. Trying to keep the psycho journalist

1518. I've been trying to sleep with

1519. from shooting us all with sniper rifles.

1520. What?

1521. It was about basketball.

1522. Wait, you got tied to a furnace and didn't get laid?

1523. I like to move slow, Blain.

1524. It's called respect.

1525. It was about love of competition then.

1526. Love of your teammates, love of America.

1527. And it was about one simple, beautiful truth.

1528. Winners are just losers who win.

1529. There he is.

1530. I said winners are just losers who win.

1531. Winners are just losers who win.

1532. Winners are just losers who win.

1533. Winners are just losers who win.

1534. Winners are just losers—

1535. I'm so sick of you doing that, every time.

1536. How was I supposed to know when to stop?

1537. Did you guys practice

1538. this without me?

1539. How are you rich?

1540. - Yeah. - Come on, man.

1541. Let's play some basketball.

1542. That's the end of the half, folks.

1543. Bro, you know tampons are for real girls, right?

1544. No, now they're for people who bleed.

1545. Where'd you even get those things?

1546. I found them in Alex's purse.

1547. Oh, God, oh, Lordy.

1548. Where does he put them?

1549. Oh, great balls of fire.

1550. - Oh. - Oh.

1551. Jake, Blain.

1552. Hey, Monica.

1553. Hey.

1554. There's something I have to tell you both.

1555. Oh.

1556. I'm pregnant.

1557. Oh, man.

1558. Who's the father?

1559. Both of you.

1560. Heteropaternal superfecundation, man.

1561. How did she know any of that this soon?

1562. Shh.

1563. And the sins of the father will be visited upon the son

1564. even until the third and fourth generations.

1565. Fathers.

1566. What are we gonna do, coach?

1567. Coach?

1568. Coach Gibson, Drake Diamond, WIAW News.

1569. Howgh!

1570. Coach, win or lose, you have clearly changed the game

1571. of women's basketball forever.

1572. In as much as no matter the outcome tonight,

1573. for the first time ever, the American team won't include

1574. a single real biological woman.

1575. How does it feel to change the world?

1576. All right, that's enough.

1577. Whoa, all right.

1578. Don't push me off my land, white man.

1579. Is literally every journalist a lunatic?

1580. Coach, you all right?

1581. Let's play some basketball!

1582. Coach, what are we gonna do?

1583. Now boys, we've taken this thing about

1584. as far as we're gonna take it.

1585. Coach is right, they're not even real girls.

1586. We're not even real girls.

1587. No, we're not, Jake, but we're not men either.

1588. Maybe we still can be.

1589. We just have to lose.

1590. You mean we'll never be going to the global games?

1591. I am, already qualified in powerlifting.

1592. I landed a spot on the swim team and the marathon.

1593. 100 meter hurdles.

1594. 400 meter hurdles.

1595. I am the fastest female jockey in the world right now.

1596. Congrats, man.

1597. Not the brag, but... You're gonna

1598. forfeit all of those positions.

1599. Coach, coach.

1600. Guys, you don't want your legacy to be erasing women

1601. from women's sports.

1602. It's time to man up.

1603. So what's the plan, coach?

1604. I think I've got it all figured out,

1605. but I'm gonna need you boys to buy me some time.

1606. Can you do that?

1607. Yes sir, yes sir, we can.

1608. Coach, there's a—

1609. A little red dot on my forehead?

1610. I know, but I know Gwen.

1611. She's a vindictive little minx,

1612. but I don't think she'd actually hurt anybody.

1613. Oh look.

1614. A lucky penny.

1615. She's got a gun, she's got a gun.

1616. What?

1617. Dammit.

1618. What?

1619. Coach.

1620. You what, pal?

1621. I understand why this is wrong.

1622. I mean, Jake and Blain as real women.

1623. Please.

1624. It's a miracle we got away with it as long as we have.

1625. But I am—

1626. You what, pal?

1627. I am a woman.

1628. I mean, all those years playing basketball,

1629. I never really felt like myself.

1630. A decade in Hollywood, trying to figure out who I really was,

1631. and then I started working at the dollhouse,

1632. and this is the real me, Coach.

1633. This is who I am.

1634. Proud of myself for the first time.

1635. My parents are proud of me.

1636. Your parents ever not been proud of you, bud?

1637. What do you mean?

1638. Your parents love you, Alex.

1639. That's a good thing.

1640. Parents should love their kids unconditionally.

1641. Shouldn't be proud of you unconditionally.

1642. Should only be proud of you when you do what's right.

1643. What we've done here, this, this isn't right.

1644. You're confused, I get that.

1645. We all get confused sometime.

1646. And if you need help, buddy, I'm gonna help you get it.

1647. You gotta believe me when I tell you this.

1648. You are not a woman.

1649. You're just a lost man in a lost world

1650. with shitty parents and a real shitty coach.

1651. We've all gone along with this lie

1652. instead of just hurting your feelings

1653. and telling you the truth.

1654. How can you be so sure I'm not a woman?

1655. Good talk.

1656. Good talk.

1657. Hims, hers and thems.

1658. It's your boy, Deuce Johnson, here.

1659. Let's play some basketball!

1660. What are you doing?

1661. I'm gonna take it, buddy.

1662. No, no, no, no.

1663. I have to do this.

1664. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.

1665. I, Blain Crain, of Lady Ballers fame,

1666. am not only a woman, which is obvious,

1667. but I'm also a hot lesbian.

1668. A lesbian in love.

1669. Monica, my love, I knew I was gay for you

1670. since the first time I saw you.

1671. Please, come down here.

1672. That's fine, I'll do it from here.

1673. Monica, will you be my lesbian wife?

1674. And I, Jake Crain of Lady Ballers fame,

1675. am also a super lesbian.

1676. People say I'm the best lesbian around right now.

1677. Monica, I love you.

1678. You're the one for me.

1679. I'm trying to get married, you dick.

1680. I'm getting married.

1681. I am.

1682. Hey, you're

1683. strong.

1684. I don't care, fight.

1685. Oh no, she didn't.

1686. How much?

1687. That's the biggest dick I've ever seen on a lady.

1688. Come on, we're here to topple the patriarchy,

1689. not each other.

1690. Wait!

1691. The Lady Ballers are making some substitutions.

1692. Come on, Coach.

1693. What is this?

1694. What?

1695. You never seen a ladies basketball team before?

1696. What are they doing?

1697. I think they're running a set.

1698. They're making me nervous.

1699. Defense, defense!

1700. Oh, hey!

1701. Come on!

1702. They killed it all!

1703. Come on girls! Yeah!

1704. Get on your man, get on your man!

1705. Come on, hustle, hustle!

1706. Proud of yourself?

1707. Proud of the team.

1708. Oh.

1709. Come on now, hustle!

1710. I can still cancel you.

1711. I can cancel all of you.

1712. You can.

1713. You probably should.

1714. I won't.

1715. You gave me a good story.

1716. It pains me to say it, but you're a winner, Rob.

1717. A reluctant winner, but still a winner.

1718. But I don't ever wanna have sex with you.

1719. Aw.

1720. I don't ever wanna have sex with you either, Gwen.

1721. Really?

1722. Oh no, I do.

1723. I really, really do.

1724. But I think our time together is heading in.

1725. Mm-hmm.

1726. Uh-oh.

1727. See you around, coach.

1728. See you around, Gwen.

1729. All right, ladies, form up, form up!

1730. And that was the heartwarming scene

1731. at today's Global Games Final Qualifiers.

1732. Just about the cutest thing I have ever seen.

1733. A true testament to the power of sportsmanship.

1734. Absolutely.

1735. Though ultimately the little girls were trounced,

1736. the final score, 418 to six.

1737. Welcome to the grand reopening of the Crain & Company

1738. Luxury Used Cars and Youth Sports Center.

1739. Where you can still get a deal on new wheels.

1740. And now you can help kiddos learn how to dunk and steal

1741. here at Crain & Company!

1742. We still sell bail bonds.

1743. We still sell bail bonds.

1744. Plus, kids will have a chance to figure out

1745. who they really are.

1746. From the best coach anyone could hope for.

1747. Coach, you wanna come say a few words?

1748. Fellas, fellas, fellas.

1749. I look out at all your faces.

1750. Some of you loved me even when I didn't deserve it.

1751. Some of you slapped me when I clearly deserved it.

1752. You tased me, precious little provocation.

1753. I'm sorry.

1754. I think I have a restraining order against you.

1755. All I said was how much!

1756. Look at all these families and children.

1757. How do these people live like this?

1758. It's disgusting.

1759. All of you helped me learn an important lesson.

1760. There's only one win that matters.

1761. Now let's play some basketball, huh?

1762. Woo!

1763. Hey, how big an investment did you make

1764. in Crain & Company anyway?

1765. Oh, I own it outright.

1766. Makes sense.

1767. Probably sell it next week.

1768. Touché.

1769. Whoa!

1770. Hi.

1771. You're a good dad, Rob.

1772. You're a good mom, Dharb.

1773. I was thinking,

1774. how about the three of us get together this weekend,

1775. have a little picnic.

1776. Oh yeah?

1777. Why not?

1778. Why not?

1779. Hey, Baldylocks, I wanna see a rebound.

1780. Come on, run that set again.

1781. Remember, winners are just losers who do what's right.

1782. Come on now, hustle, hustle, hustle.

1783. This is his favorite line.

1784. Oh!

1785. Here we, whoa!

1786. Oh!

1787. We'll get him next time.

1788. Your dad is so silly.

1789. Another sweet daddy Walsh adventure

1790. comes to a satisfying conclusion.

1791. What are you talking about?

1792. I don't understand how anything you did helped to make this situation better.

1793. Don't you?

1794. In fifth grade, Lacey Logan called me pretty.

1795. Not handsome, pretty.

1796. And that felt good.

1797. Everybody loves a compliment.

1798. In seventh grade, Moisha convinced me

1799. to steal Carly Truett's underwear

1800. from the girls locker room.

1801. And I did.

1802. And God, they were so soft.

1803. Silky, you know?

1804. Why don't they make men's underwear more soft, doc?

1805. And in eighth grade, I had it down bad for Jessica Montgomery.

1806. And I didn't feel like a girl at all that year.

1807. You know what I mean?

1808. But in ninth grade, Jessica broke up with me

1809. and I had a good cry.

1810. Jake called me a sissy.

1811. I don't know why it's so wrong for men to cry.

1812. Who made that rule?